Out of the Storm

Perhaps this will be cathartic for me as it appears to be for others.  I have journaled privately in an app on my ipad in the past, but will give this a try as well.

Several years into my recovery, I am uncovering some very rich material to do with my self concepts and "voices" I carry in my head.  My Dad, the critic, has been dead since 1982 but until very recently I allowed his insecurities and attacks on me to dictate how I talk to myself.  I only very recently understood the full implications of this upon my daily life, as well as the somatic symptoms Inhave manifest since birth.  For me, psoriasis and digestive issues have been constantly with me.  Yesterday, I read online that the mind/body connection between mood and psoriasis is thought to be linked via depression.  So, instead of feeling depressed I have given myself inflamed and itchy skin lesions.  Yay.  Among other things, Dad was very depressed - I guess that is the gift that kept on giving. 

To fast forward to an issue that is on my plate right now, I learned yesterday that a work assignment that I have devoted much time to over the course of the last 12 months has been undermined by higher-ups.  More specifically, a course I have been teaching and was asked to substantially revise (and which was co-written by a colleague and vetted by an outside panel of consultants) has not even been offered to students who may have been interested in signing up to take the class.  It is not exactly a conspiracy (I hope) but more an unintended consequence of many small incompetencies and poor decisions on the part of administrators (who are all new to the school and fumbling in the dark on this issue).  Nevertheless, unintended consequences are still hurtful.  So, I am left with the feeling of being discounted and abandoned and pretty undervalued.

I have to choose my response carefully, as this is a work situation.  I told my colleague that if the idea is to backfill my class at the last minute with kids who are uninterested and unprepared for the course, I will not teach it.  How much is up to me is unclear at this moment.  What is clear, though, is that I must give positive messages to myself.  My anxiety and depression are already kicking up and Incant afford for them to infect my home life.  My life partner is quite fragile, both physically and emotionally, and it is key to not bring tons of stress into her life.  Fortunately, we have a long weekend away planned which begins tomorrow.  This also happens to be Morher's Day and the 3rd anniversary of my Mother's death.  It was her passing that brought me into awareness of my codependency and Cptsd issues. 
I depend a great deal upon emails with my therapist in order to remain on an even keel.  I only get to see her once in a great while due to the small number of psychologists in my healthcare system.  It's been a few months now but I do have an appt for next week.  I feel overly dependent. I feel ridiculous and small.  I miss my Mother, but not the box I have kept myself in these past 56 years.

It's interesting and difficult emerging from the sea of inaccurate and damaging messages I have accepted for so long.  Perhaps it is symbolic that the place I am going for the weekend is well known as a spot that Monarch butterflies return to each year during part of their life cycle.  Perhaps I am coming out of the cocoon myself. 

Jdog
Thank u for sharing
I too am in a time of becoming aware of the poor self concept and critical voice in my head - waking up to it is alarming yet good - hopeful -

I am now seeing a therapist who specialises in child trauma and she is v good -
Healthy dependence not sue if it is truly classed as co dependence  as the compliance element is to do withy own growth -
I like her a lot it is very much adult t adult and I resect and need that at this point in my recovery
I've relied on therapists a lot of my adult life - and thank god for that -

I liked what u said about coming out of the cocoon - it's a good good feeling really sensing a place of newness and life

It's been a long road - would I want to do it again - * no !!
But then I don't have to :)
Grateful

Boatsailrose-

Glad you are also in an "emergent" phase.  Finding some solid ground is a good, though scary, experience.

Best wishes as you continue your journey toward wholeness.

This weekend marks the third anniversary of my Mother's death, and the first time I will have moved through this difficult time alcohol-free.  More feelings and different feelings are coming up than in the past.  I am spending the weekend at the ocean with my wife, and being as gentle as possible with both of us.  I am experiencing somatic stuff, some that I regularly experience and some brand new stuff.  I ran by the ocean this morning and will race tomorrow, so endorphins are pretty much my medication whilst running is my meditation.

I am a bit dizzy, off-balance.  I know this to be a sign of a mild EF and know that I am safe in the "now".  At least I have the pleasant surroundings, the ocean air, and some amount of healing behind me now.

  Mom, I miss you so much but am glad your body no longer is suffering the many ravages that strokes inflicted upon you.  I am moving forward, finding out who I really am and shedding the shame I carried for so long.

Good for you on being alcohol free
I am 5yrs sober - alcohol never makes things better in the long run

Best wishes and blessings to your mum and to you

As I begin the day - feeling imperfect yet hopeful - I am reminded of the importance of staying atop life's waves by letting energy move through me rather than dragging me under the water.  I am lighter and safer than I sometimes imagine, and don't have to identify with each feeling or thoight that comes into my awareness.

That's very nice of you to say, BH. The undertow got me briefly today but back to bobbing along now.  You also inspire me!

I had a tough and triggering situation in my teaching career today when, out of the clear blue, 3 administrators, a cop, and a counselor showed up at my classroom door.  Apparently, a student had told her friend (also in the class) that her boyfriend said she should die.  She proceeded to take a lot of pills ( according to her friend anti nausea and anti diarrhea pills, but who knows?) and luckily the friend went to the main office and reported this.  Sadly, nobody informed me of the situation....and it was creepy.  I coteach this class with another person and he helped me evacuate the classroom - we have a vacant room next door, luckily.  So, the class did get to proceed but seeing paramedics haul the student out of my class on a stretcher is a memory I won't be able to forget. 

I am wishing the best for the girl.  She has had major mental stability problems in the past, and I just hope things get easier for her (and that she stops seeing the boyfriend who wants her to off herself).  Thanks for letting me get this off my chest - not the kind of thing I will discuss with my wife.

BeHealthy-

I was able to contact my therapist by email, and she validated that the situation sounded bad and that I should use lots of self compassion as I would be triggered.  That, plus writing here, plus just being quiet last evening and not expecting myself to instantly pop into my cheerful self really helped.

Thanks much for the support.  It really helps!

Took a tumble on my run today and had to call my wife to pick me up from the park where I had been running.  I'm going to be ok, but have to take most of the week off from my "salvation" which is running.  Also, I have difficulty being taken care of and she is doing such a good job.  Life lessons here include humility, self compassion, and letting go of outcomes.  In a not-so-humble move I sent pictures of my badly injured arm (an entire layer of skin was ripped off of right forearm) and torn up leg to my exercise partners so they would know why I'm not working out this week.  Of course, this is nothing compared to the fact that my wife face booked the gory pics.  Oh well.  I guess she and I both needed some support from friends. 

Lessons, lessons.  Never an end to them, it seems.  I guess that it is a good thing, as when we stop learning we are (at least functionally) dead.  Not ready for that yet!  I am 56, have the cardiovascular system of a 35 year old but the thin, easily torn skin of a 90 year old.  Nature has quite the sense of humor.  Time I picked up on it.

Repair well jdog  :wave:
Isn't humility a wonderful tool :)
Yes I love this learning path out of all past paths -
It's a true head to heart journey
Best wishes -

Thanks for the well wishes, friends.  I rediscovered Pema Chodron's wonderful writings today - about Bodhichitta, the warrior's path.  Noble heart, unafraid to face life's surprises and hurts and loneliness.  Also, in my case, uafraid to allow others to help me.  I am much better at doing the helping than letting someone help me. 

Yes, there are lessons here.  I received the gift of the trust of a young man who was having a panic attack today.  Helping him calm down calmed me down as well.  His gift to me was a reminder that we are all in need of connection and that helps us be in the present moment.

Sitting on my living room floor, having eaten fruit and listened to a Pema Chodron lecture and stretched a little and emailed my lovely therapist, I have a feeling of wonder.  It is the last day of school and I will see the groups of kids briefly ( 30 minutes per class) and file grades, and clean and straighten my belongings.  Endings are strange.  I feel that I have learned a lot about myself this school year, and am somewhat better at handling panic attacks and fears.  I am better at catching my inner critic when the "not good enough" tapes start rolling in my head.  I have received many gifts from students in the form of trust, vulnerability, and witnessing change in their intellectual and emotional capacities. 

I am still struggling with my recent injury which is keeping me from my running habit but will at least take a walk today.  This darned sore knee and arm which has had a complete layer of skin torn off is inconvenient.  Pema says these times are our teachers, and what choice do I have but to learn?

Here's to learning a lot on the last day of school.

Thank you, BeHealthy.  As usual, your optimism and can-do attitude provide me with a much needed lift.  I am completely exhausted at the moment but could imagine doing something fun and creative in a few days.  Yes, the temporary sidelining is only a setback and my knee and arm will heal.  I finally took myself on a walk today, and that felt good.  Will do that again tomorrow, and maybe jog a bit Saturday.  I am going back to clear up clutter and file papers in the classroom tomorrow.  I did stop by the gym on the way to work to visit my best gym buddy, and that felt nice.  Part of the deal with working out is getting to see friends.  She is willing to have coffee tomorrow, if I can get up and out early enough.  The complicated part is that my wife has been putting fresh dressing on my arm, so if I can manage that on my own I can leave early.  Will see.

Thanks again for the good energy. :hug:

I am congratulating myself on having moved through sadness that my teaching year is over (don't ask) into the phase of, "Yay, I made it!".  This was my 20th year in the classroom, and only the second one while actively recovering from cptsd and codependence.  This past year I was able to feel more free and open and could recover from EFs much more quickly than before.  As you may realize, being with adolescents in groups 6 hours a day is an environment rife with opportunities to be triggered by the drama of their everyday lives.  Some of them come from abusive backgrounds, some have problems with substance abuse, some attempt suicide.  Most kids are just confused and learning how to function in the "real world."  In any case, it is tough but very rewarding work.  And I made it one more time!

Thanks, BH.  Yes, the rewards of teaching certainly outweigh the risks and I am truly honored to be entrusted with some portion of students' education every year.  I am humbled by the responsibility and also find stuff to laugh about many days.  A good gig.

I did get to hang with my gym buddy today and then took myself on a beautiful walk by the river.  What a very fortunate person I am!

Letting go, moving on.....

We are selling my Mom's high end electronic piano which has not received proper use for over 10 years.  I am glad to be lightening my load, on the one hand - it takes up quite a bit of space in my small office.  On the other hand, there is sadness as I fondly remember her playing it before she began having strokes which made it impossible to continue playing.  I am sure that this instrument is meant to be in a home where it will be loved and enjoyed, and equally sure that she would be happy that it will receive use once more.  But of course, letting go of this is another step in letting go of her and moving on to build my own self. 

Unlike some folks on this site, I was not plagued by a narcissistic Mother.  I truly could not ever become my true self while she was living, however.  Her death set me adrift like someone who had (unknowingly) been tethered to a branch only to have the tether suddenly release.  The release was confusing, scary, and disorienting (despite how severely disabled she was at the time of her demise).  By contrast, the death of my Father many years ago (I was in my early 20's) was something I never truly mourned at all.  His own pain was too deep to allow him to show me affection or give comfort.  Too much denial, alcohol, and depression to be a good Father.  Since I have no children of my own, I need not worry about either smothering them or pushing them too far away from me.  It is a blessing. 

Hi friends!

I wanted to report that sinc my previous post in this spot so very much has happened - my wife and I sold our home and have rented a duplex and adopted a much simpler lifestyle, I am continuing to make progress in my cptsd recovery and hardly ever have panic attacks, and I am enjoying my teaching year.  I continue to be so grateful for the support of friends, my wife, and for my running which helps me stay sane in ways I can never fully explain.

I will be 57 in two more months, and will have run my second marathon between now and then.  I am very motivated to continue working on staying present and facing difficulties.  I will probably need to look back and reread these words in coming weeks!  ;D

J dog enjoy - sounds good :)
Nice to hear

Thank you!  Still a work in progress!

Yes :)
Reflecting on any progress we make is good :)
Good to
Look and see where we came from and where we are ... The rest is yet unwritten but it sure looks better even on the bad days
All best wishes

Tomorrow, I run my second Marathon.  I have been training sufficiently, eating properly, and working on my overall mindset - fine tuning so that I can be present more of the time.  This "test" is also a celebration of recovery for me.  I do have a time goal, which will be adjusted up or down as necessary as the race proceeds.  The final hour will find me coming face to face with so many parts of myself - a chance to soothe the child, keep the adult focused, and remember why I am taking this journey.

Today - it's all about keeping the feet up!

For a friend who ran the marathon, I once biked around so I could pass him his energy drinks at the pre-designated spots along the track.

I'll be cheering you on!  :woohoo: <--- that should read: JDOG! JDOG!

:applause:

Many thanks, Dutch Uncle! I so very much appreciate the support!!

Wow it's been a couple of years since I posted here.  What made me think of adding to the journal was another injury I received today - not while running, however.  I was ruminating over my growing up years, looking at Google Maps photos of my old neighborhood.  Somebody bought our old house and doubled it in size.  I was feeling very lost.   While feeling this, I decided to cut some of the cardboard away from an ice cream container.  The knife slipped and I punctured myself in the fold between thumb and the rest of the hand.
We went to the ER, and I now have 5 stitches in my hand.

I guess it's not a great idea to use knives while dissociating...

Aww j dog! Thank god for hospitals...
Take care..
Yes I've been having a similar thing lately putting old photos in albums and looking at old homes..
I haven't been back to my old childhood house I think it would be v sad and lonely.
Sometimes the past is better to keep letting go of.. But reminiscing is an easy activity to do
Hope your hand heals well

Yes, agreed, Boats.  Best to let some things go.  Especially since there is much for which to be thankful in the "now." 

Today is an easier one.  Thanks for the support.

glad to see you back.  hard to believe it's been so long.  but, sorry about your hand.  hope it heals quickly and smoothly.  sending love and hugs to you.

BeHea1thy-

Thanks- I think I am keeping the stitches clean and supple - they are protected by a bandage that lets no germs in....will check it later today. 

San-

Thanks for the support!,

I wrote in another spot on the forum of the pain being triggered by recent revelations of sexual misconduct as well as domestic violence coverups by staff at Ohio State, my alma mater.  I wrote of the memories and guilt and shame resurfacing from being coerced into having sexual relationships with several professors. 

Today, I took a very long walk, just letting that pain be felt.  I did some yard work, then read a handbook related to something for work.  I am watching my favorite baseball team play on television (go A's).  I am getting ready to go to someone's home in order to learn the right way to make a pie crust.  All of these distractions help as much as feeling the pain on my walk did.  But I feel dirty and ashamed and almost like I'm coming out of a stupor.  The only way out is through.

 :hug: :hug: if they're good and helpful and feel safe.

Blueberry-
Oh, yes, these folks were the nicest.  And now I know how to make fail-safe pie crust.  And, had a lovely piece of fruit pie with ice cream.  All good!

Haha - pie icons would be great!  Yes, a lot of effort to live but also a lot of trust and letting go.  I'm learning.  As a "hand on the throttle" kind of gal, it's important to leave some breathing room.

Back to school.  The fun of routine (truly) and the opportunity to meet many new teens and begin a relationship with them.  Working with a terrific co-teacher and an enthusiastic student teacher full of things he wants to try.  A great, supportive administration with whom their is mutual trust and respect.  All great things.

And then, there is the group of deceivers known as our school board and superintendent.  Last year, we narrowly avoided a strike over pay and benefits and working conditions.  There was a signed agreement to increase pay as well as to restructure the salary schedule such that it would make our district more competitive and attract and keep better teachers.  In my case, as a person who has over 20 years in service to the district, it would have meant not having to wait until year 26 to reach the top amount.  Well, now they are waffling and refusing to adhere to the memo which the union gave explaining the structure and amounts and to which there was not only no contest by the superintendent but a signature of good faith by our mayor, who brought all parties together at the zero hour.

Yesterday's communication from our union says both parties are going to go straight to binding arbitration.  I feel very devalued by the district, the district to which I have devoted my teaching career and always given so much on behalf of our very diverse, impoverished students.  If I and fellow teachers were to go back on our verbal and written promises in this way, we would no longer have jobs.  It's disgraceful.  If this does not get resolved in our favor, it means having to work more years before I can afford to retire (which I had hoped to do in 2021).  Grr.

Thank you.  Your support means so much.  I am just so ashamed.

Hey Jdog,
I just wanted to send you some warm wishes.  My district is in a similar situation but we are devalued by our administrators instead of the board.  It's nice to see fellow teachers on this board.  Hang in there, hope things work out.   :hug:

Thanks, Deep Blue.  Yes, we teachers are so often scapegoats for the larger failings within a system over which we have little control.  Left to pick up the pieces, expected to keep the fires burning no matter what. 

Sending warmth right back to you, too.

Hi JDog,
I can imagine it is difficult to be expected to pick up the pieces and keep the fires burning no matter what - within a teaching system where you have little control.  I was struck by your quote after your name - which says "Commitment is daily" - which shows to me that you take things seriously and you are striving to keep things ticking over.  I wish there were more people out there like you - and Deep Blue too - both of you striving to teach future generations - education would be in safe hands with more people like you two.  That's what I believe - from things I've read that each of you have written.
Hope  :)

Hope-

How very nice of you.  As I read your words, I am preparing to get into gear for another day in the classroom.  I had one of those nights where I was very unsettled within myself, and a dream made me aware that I do have to continue learning to rely upon myself rather than others to remain grounded.  I've read your journal, too, and know that you are making great strides in that direction. 

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. 

Although I am letting the wound made by the unfairness of not having the promised pay heal up a bit - not scratching at the perverbial scab as much - the latest indignity is a report that my school district is so out of kilter with budget projections that the county office of education has sent the financial officers in my district back to the drawing board with a strict deadline of October 8th to come up with a balanced budget for the next 3 years.  IMHO (and that of many other union members) this is one more in a series of smoke and mirrors, as many times the district has pled poverty only to come out with massive surpluses months later. 

Hiding money so that it won't have to be spent as intended.....what kind of a sick thing is this?  It appears that the county issues the ratings on budgets based only upon self reported numbers.  Now, they are sending in an auditor to sit with our financial people.  Maybe we will yet learn whether this is fake news (sorry) or a real emergency.  And even if it IS real, don't they still have to abide by the contract that was agreed upon last year?

This is deeply triggering.  Memories of adults not telling me the truth about certain things, and me knowing that the cover story was fishy but unable to do anything about it.

Here's what I am doing about it today:  I am going to compete in a 4 mile race, the first one since last December due to a bunch of foot problems.  I don't aim to be exteremely quick, but the positive energy put out by those around me will be contagious.  Nobody competes in a race with the thought that life sucks.  It's a celebration and an active mindfulness opportunity.

 :cheer:  :thumbup:

Thanks, 3 Roses.  It was a fantastic experience.  Perfect weather, just enough of a challenge. I ran well and met some super people.  Some were vacationing from my home state of Ohio, and we took pictures together.  So fun.

Yes, thanks!  Although today found me ever more angry at the incompetence of my employers, yesterday was a wonderful and carefree gift to myself.  Yay.

The fun of racing has created a setback, in that my injured foot from last year has been reinjured.  It is a slightly different injury - not plantar fasciitis but possibly tendons.  I had an X-ray which revealed only the arthritis which we already knew about.  I have asked for an MRI, to be scheduled soon.  Meanwhile, I am icing, hobbling around my classroom in a flat bottomed shoe thingy I have from the previous injury, and not exercising.  One of my favorite spiritual writers, Pema Chodren, says "Fail.  Fail Again.  Fail Better."  Haha.  This is a new and better failure, born of success. 

So, here I sit.  The lessons of slowing down are being forced upon me.  The reality of aging is now mine to have and to hold.  But I actually am smiling as I write this.  Life will continue to give good things to me, and I have to be ready to receive them. 

Quote from: Jdog on September 22, 2018, 03:23:42 PM

So, here I sit.  The lessons of slowing down are being forced upon me.  The reality of aging is now mine to have and to hold.  But I actually am smiling as I write this.  Life will continue to give good things to me, and I have to be ready to receive them.

Hi Jdog,

You sound positive, and I hope your foot injury improves soon.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope.  I had an MRI yesterday, so maybe the actual problem can now be determined.  It's called aging, I believe (no escaping that, sadly).  Thanks for the well wishes.

I sometimes refer to myself as old in body and young in spirit  :hug:

Oh, thank you much BeHea1thy.  My podiatrist reviewed the MRI and pain is being caused by a stress fracture at the end of the third toe.  I am to get another X-ray tomorrow and am unsure of treatment to follow.

Yes, Fail Better is a gem.   It's come to me from the incredible Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun.  It is a great reminder to be unafraid of life's bumps and to keep being grateful for opportunities to learn. 

Thanks for reminding me that I am generally an upbeat person.  Lately, I have felt more like a beat up person  :whistling:

So many tests to grade, so much planning to do.  It's been a tiring week.  And, our school district, previously reported at being 24 million short of projections over three years is now a whopping 48 million in arrears.  Isn't that ducky.  I hope I can retire one of these days, but until things get stabilized it doesn't appear prudent ( suddenly I hear George H.W. Bush in my head, "wouldn't be prudent..."). 

Jdog I literally laughed out loud when you said wouldn't be prudent! Ha ha

My friend has a stress fracture on her toe and I had one in my foot near my ankle.  I used a bone growth stimulator in my recovery and she did too.
Sending you love and support  :hug:

Glad to have provided some levity, Deep Blue.  I am not light hearted at the moment, as I have to wear "the boot" for two weeks and get another X-ray following.  I just had a dust up with my wife as she came into the kitchen and I wasn't wearing it.  I also want to wash my car and told her I wouldn't have this on during that and she really got upset and said the car wasn't that important.  It's actually really dirty and embarrassing to me and I do want to wash it.  I don't know whether she will wash it for me but she's really mad and thinks I'm acting like a 5 year old.  Well, maybe I am.  I had to wear this boot for a month last spring and it really makes me feel disabled and ridiculous. 

Jdog,
Sorry about the disagreement with your wife.  Sometimes it helps me to feel better to organize and clean.  By physically doing it with my surroundings it sort of helps clear the clutter in my head.

Why do you think she was angry with you for not wearing the boot? Maybe because she cares about you?  :whistling:  just saying... probably some love behind that frustration  :hug:
Love ya Jdog

Yes, she was angry because she cares about me.  In fact, she went yard sale shopping and came home with a scooter to support my booted up leg.  Very cool.  And yes, I am working on shifting my mindset.  Thanks for being such astute friends, both of you!

I spent the morning working on a budget for a grant we are writing for the school garden and looking over some student papers.  Felt better after. 

Thanks again, BH and DB.  You are wonderful.

 :hug:

Improbably, my wife and I attended a dance last night which we had been planning to attend prior to my booted existence.  Of course I didn't really dance but during a chain dance to the oldie "We are Family", I got out on the floor and rode my one legged scooter around the chain.  I also had people come and tell me about foot injuries that they had in the past.  Felt nice.

Metaphorically I can imagine that my injury comes from kicking and screaming over the Kavanaugh appointment. The injury to our democracy is much longer lasting than my broken toe is to my body and spirit.  Bullies are glorified, victims vilified.   Regardless of whether or not K assualted anyone, non-judicial conduct should disqualify a person from the highest court in America.  I guess our Senate just really likes beer.  Good news for brewers everywhere.

Jdog,
Interesting but sad symbolism. I wish I could say I was surprised by the outcome.  Even though I had prepared myself for the outcome... I still swallowed my heart when the news came through.

I can picture you in your scooter in the dance floor.  Hang in there and try to take it easy while your body heals.  :hug:  thinking of you

Thanks, Deep Blue.  I'm really fighting depression now.  I can't run, tinnitus makes meditation difficult, and my school district is facing deep debt.  My wife told me I'd better take it easy this time or the doctor would put me in a cast.  Ok, I thought I had been doing the right thing all summer, only gradually getting back to running.  Turns out the plantar fasciitis and associated heel spur is still an issue, per the MRI. 

Argh......

My boyfriend had to have surgery on his heel spur and sleep in a boot for over a year!  One thing that he did that helped was get a paper cup, fill it with water and freeze it over night.  The next day he would rub it in his heal in circles.

I have tinitus too and hate it.  I wish I had a fix for it  :Idunno:  hang in as best you can

Hey, I have tinnitus too. Hate it!

So is tinnitus pretty conclusively a side effect of cptsd?  I have done a little research and it seems possible.  I didn't notice it until I took a series of meditation classes and someone else said they had it....and bam!  there it was in my head. 

 :Idunno:

I think my tinnitus is cuz of my Ménière's disease, not sure about everyone else.  Usually it's only in 1 ear or the other, not both at same time

Interesting.  Mine is both ears, all the time. 

Mine is both ears, all the time.

Maybe it's at least partly due to the fact that we were never taught that we were worth taking care of. I went to concerts without ear protection, I listened to music as loud as I could, with headphones and without; just didn't take self-care seriously and thought it was honestly kind of wimpy. Of course I feel differently about it now.

❕*TW FOR PA;*❕
⬇️

⬇️

⬇️


My ears were a favorite target of my F's, got my ears slapped open handed a lot. For me I think that's at least one reason my ears ring now.

Ok, it's Monday and I've had several nightmares involving school, politics, and who knows what.  I awoke fearful and am giving myself extra time for coffee and online newspaper reading.  Starting to feel better.  Hey, here's some good news:  I'm listening to NPR and it was just reported that Romania was unable to pass a law banning same sex marriage.  Not enough people showed up at the poles.  Hey, whatever it takes.....my sisters and brothers have more freedom as a result!

I will be scooting along on my one-legged scooter wearing my boot today.  That should get plenty of unwanted attention.  But healing is healing.  I have to write a rubric for grading student journals, which means that my free time after work will be taken up with grading for a few days beginning at the end of the week and into next week.  I'm not taking the heavy hstuff info home.   My coteachers can help some, so instead of having 175 to grade I may have 120 or so.  At 3 minutes per, that is 6 hours.  2 hours at a time, that will take 3 late afternoons.  Baby steps......

Oh Jdog,
If I had a dollar for every time I calculated how much time it would take to grade papers, I probably wouldn't need to teach ha ha. 

Do you like having a coteacher?

I was with you and didn't sleep last night.  I didn't sleep because my son's fever and then he threw up all in his bed. 

Maybe baby scoots instead of baby steps?  :bigwink:   We had 3 teachers on scooters last year.  One had a broken ankle, one torn Achilles and I forget what happened with the other one.

Get well soon  :hug:

Baby scoots!  Love it!  I took a fall from my scooter in my classroom due to trying to reach inside a cabinet and the dang wheels went out from under me.  My coteacher ordered me to SIT DOWN.  I love her.  We have different talents and are friends outside the classroom.  She is a new teacher so there's the fun of sharing strategies with a newer teacher.  And she is a SPED teacher, so I learn about how to modify lessons to everyone's benefit. 

Sorry the little guy was so sick. 

Jdog,
I think your coteacher sounds like my cup of tea.  Anyone that gets you to take care of yourself is alright in my book 👌  :bigwink: 

I am a bit nerdy and love writing new lessons.  Ha ha, I like working on modifying them to meet the needs of all students too.  I guess am an oddball there but we all have our various strengths as well.

Sending you a good Tuesday hug  :hug:

Hugs to you both, BH and DB.  Yes, having someone who wants me to take better care of me is a delight to have around.  You both brighten my day as well and I like reading your writings so much!

DB, we are nerds of a feather!  BH, I hope my spirit is as indominatable as you suppose it to be!  Love you both!

Haha, thanks BH.   I love word play and engage in it as often as possible.

I now know what it's like to be on the other side of a liberal-conservative issue.  Last night, I spoke up at our school board meeting in favor of continuing the contract between our district and the police department to allow our School Resource Officers (SROs) to maintain a presence at our high schools.  We are a rather large district, with 43,000 students.  In my 24 years of teaching, I have had numerous occassions to refer a student to one of the officers so that he or she could safely handle a student suspected of being inebriated or in some other bad situation.  I know that there have been several cases in which a student has come to school with a weapon.  All of these things have been handled in such a way to allow the school day to continue smoothly. 

And yet, there is the idea that because some cops are biased against various ethnicities, all are bad.  That somehow, kids are so afraid of someone in a uniform that they skip school.  In fact, our officers help with truancy sweeps.  I have never heard of one of my students feeling afraid of our SRO.  The SROs are hand selected by our head of security specifically because they care about kids.  They undergo extensive sensitivity training around issues to do with mental health, LGBTQ, and at risk students of all types. 

There were 14 of us who spoke up about either continuing or cancelling the contract with SROs.  I told my truth - as a 24 year teaching veteran, 13 years at the same school, 10 years a mentor to the LGBTQI group, I feel much safer officer on campus.  I can't imagine going to work in an urban high school that has no trained officer to help diffuse tricky situations.  SROs don't recommend suspension, don't advise administrators in any way in regards to punishment.  I am a liberal, through and through.  And I know that some kids are more at risk for heading to juvenile hall and jail as adults.  But I cannot blame our kindly school officer for this.  I understand that a major risk factor for kids ending in incarceration is not being able to read at grade level.  This precipitates acting out behavior.  I feel that the statistics which make it seem that SROs cause so-called school to prison pipeline are conflating various factors.  Not saying that somewhere there isn't a bad SRO.  But I now that all of my staff members and likely the entire community surrounding the school is glad  we have a uniformed officer at the ready.

This is a long post.  I am tired.  But I am not a knee-jerk liberal, or someone who wants to believe every set of statistics, no matter how many times they are quoted.  I guess it's a call to action for me.  I can go back to some of the organizations with which I affiliate and have some difficult conversations around race and class and gender and how they intersect in the real world, which is sometimes dangerous. 

Jdog,
That's so great that you did that.  I have no doubt that you spoke your mind clearly and that people heard you. 

I agree with you very much.  We have a new SRO this year and I desperately miss the one we had the last 4 years.  He was wonderful, sensitive and really did well with students.  He was so good that he has moved up.  He was given a special promotion and is working with the whole city to make schools safer.

Our new one isn't my favorite.  I've only had 1 encounter with him and he dismissed me as a "female teacher."

The good SROs make such a positive difference

Thanks, loyal friends. 

Deep Blue- it pains me that an SRO ( or anyone) would dismiss you as a "female teacher".  What the hey?  Is he from the Stone Age?  And yes, the good ones make such a difference!

BeHea1thy-

Thanks for the kudos.  I think that the board will decide in November.

I had a chance to thank the school board member from my school's area for the outstanding job she did speaking out on behalf of the SROs.  She and our Superintendent were in front of the high school today because we had our annual Homecoming Parade.  I actually didn't want to talk with the Superintendent since there is a lot of controversy over how he is handling our budget crisis....but I sucked it up and made nice to him.  He makes more money than our state governor but refuses to take a pay cut even though we are deeply in debt.  Sigh. 

Wow! What a jerk face!

That was probably smart to be nice to him.  Anyone in that position who refuses to take a pay cut sounds like a sociopath.  I would steer clear of him because no doubt he probably holds grudges too. 

Have a safe weekend  :hug:

jdog, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of letting your voice be heard for very important issues.  yeah, having to 'play nice' with someone you don't respect just sucks, but there are times when it's the lesser of 2 evils.  advocacy for what's right can take some weird turns at times.  well done on navigating those waters.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

I agree.  Thank you, San.  I'm feeling glad to be able to use my voice for good, but it's also triggering me in the fact that even contemplating violence at school makes me feel unsafe.  It's all kind of related to abandonment and being unprotected when I needed it most.  Sigh.  Rising out of the ashes may be grand but the feathers still get a bit burned...

Hi Jdog,
Sending you some gentle balm to protect your feathers - so you can rise from the ashes with lovely plumage.  I hope you will fly and do whatever you feel like doing.   :hug: 
Hope  :)

Ah, thanks Hope67, rise I will. Digging into my reserve pile of gumption and self care today.... :bigwink:

One of the reasons I call myself JDog has to do with tenacity.  Yesterday, I spoke with the woman who is president of a local faith based group with whom I am beginning to be affiliated, the same group which sent four members to speak against having officers in our high schools.  I told her how hurt I am that they felt the need to speak against our protectors.  She's offered to connect me with the person who heads the education subgroup so we can dialogue.

Fingers crossed.

🤞

That's awesome! Best of luck Jdog

Thanks, Deep Blue.

hope that goes well for you and your school, sweetie.  i never had the experience of having protectors in a school, but i can see how they could be such a calming influence during this time in school history especially.  when i worked in a day treatment center, we eventually put some safeguards into place, such as wanding the girls at the entrance.  it made a big difference for everyone.

keep up the good work.  we need your voice in our educational system now more than ever.  love your tenacity reference!  love and hugs to you.

sanmagic7-

Thanks so much for your kind support, hugs, and love.  There was a time bout three years ago when every school shooting, no matter how far away from my state, would cause a big EF for me.  I've never been through a shooting, but the level of responsibility we have for students is huge and I can't fathom how I would be able to keep them safe.  We had a rather low level incident in the neighborhood surrounding the school two years ago, and it occurred when my kids and I were outside in the garden.  We had to run to an unused shop area and huddle on the floor for an hour until the culprit of the crime was found in someone's backyard blocks away.  And then, of course, was Parkland.  One of my students left from the garden without permission the same day as Parkland and we could see him getting into what seemed like a stranger's car.  It was his brother picking him up early because they wanted to play golf....ugh.

I am not afraid of my students.  They treat me kindly, even the big football players are polite most of the time.  But honestly, kids today have so many problems that are compounded by social media and by the pressures their families feel as a result of racial divisions and economic hardships.  It's hard to know what it would take for one of them to go over the edge in one way or another.  We have four counselors for our 1350 students, and they are mainly kept busy with career and college planning, schedule changes, and various tests for college, the military, or foreign language competency tests.  The desperate kids often go unnoticed.  I try to speak with each student each day, even to greet them or mention something I notice like their shoes or new haircut.  But I miss some, inevitably.  We do our best, right?

Meanwhile, life goes on.  We get to plant fava beans and maybe brocolli in the garden today for winter harvesting.  There's lots of nice compost on the beds.  My LGBTQ club comes twice a week at lunch, and we have a guest speaker Friday.  I'm sure they will want to discuss the Trump administration's attacks on the trans community.  Our club president is trans.  These friggin conservatives in power have no shame and will throw red meat to get votes - let's scare the people into voting so that the "freaks" can't get rights...grrr.

It's a lovely day.  I have a loving wife and such nice friends, some here at OOTS.  May we all be safe, be happy, have peace.

I dreamed last night about putting several students in dangerous situations.  I woke up and heard about the bombs that have been arriving at the offices of politicians.  I carried the feeling of needing protection all day.  Kind of spooked, honestly.

This does nothing to reduce my tendency to seek comfort in food.  Sigh. 

Hugs and love today.  Self care self care self care.   And I'm with you sweetie.  :hug:

Better today.  I still have fear and shame within but more joy and hope and even humor are emerging.  I had a nice complement paid me yesterday by one of our younger hall monitors.  She said students talk about how much they like me and specifically enjoy that I allow my personality to show through when I teach.  That is very gratifying to hear.  I feel a deep sense of responsibility for the students but am glad that my worrying does not appear to interfere with my goofy take on life. 
I am quick witted and love plays on words, and I guess the high school crowd enjoys that.  Maybe it makes up for some of my short comings......

In any case, here's to a successful Friday.  I need to put some water on the school garden, since our drip lines need a bit of repair.  I will shed my big boot for that task, as it's impssible to walk through through the beds in the little troughs in the boot.  I am also to evaluate my student teacher this morning.  I have given him one of my more challenging classes, which is first period.  They are a lively bunch and not at all sleepy as one would expect early in the morning.  They text, talk back, and laugh.  And many are just wonderful kids.  The student teacher also obliges me by leading instruction for several other classes most day, and those classes have fewer behavioral challenges.  He will take over my first and fourth period second semester and one biology class taught by a colleague downstairs. 

You are awesome.  I say that with my whole ❤️  I'm grateful for you in this forum  :hug:

Deep Blue-

I am so grateful for you, as well.  Your whole heart means a lot, as it is gynormous!!  Thanks!  :bighug: :bighug:

BH-

Thanks for noticing all of my little subtopics and commenting.  Your appreciation and care mean so much to me.  And I did what I could for our garden.  I wish it would rain here.  None is forecast at all for the next week.  I'm not active on other social media accounts either.  I have a Twitter account and am a voyeur only!

HI Jdog,
I'm going to do a rain dance, to see if I can help your garden along.  Hope I made you smile, and I hope that's ok.   :)
Hope  :)

Hope-

I see you dancing!! Smiling here!!

My wife is in the hospital for a few days.  She was absolutely screaming in pain last night and we drive to the ER.  There was an ER bed for her and eventually some pain meds, but we had to wait six hours for her to be admitted into the regular hospital section.  That, of course, is a normal length of time.  I know she is getting great care.  It is possibly pancreatitis.  We spent some time together this afternoon and her vitals are much better than last night. 

I am with a medically fragile partner, of which I am accepting.  It is of utmost importance that I take proper care of myself during her times of illness.  That means eating right, and not eating too much.  It means getting enough sleep.  And it means not trying to overdo.

My best wishes for a speedy recovery. I'm sorry you're going thru this. A safe  :hug: for you if you want.

Dear jdog - I hope your wife will recover and recuperate well, and I also wish you the best to self-care for yourself too - sending you a gentle and supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Oh no Jdog,
I'm so sorry to hear about your wife.  Sending her healing thoughts and love.

You are right my friend.  Be sure to take care of yourself too.  The best way to help her is to make sure you are taking care of yourself.   :hug:

Hope, ThreeRoses, and Deep Blue-

Your love and support mean so much at this time.  I will ALWAYS accept safe hugs, and thank you for those, too.  I am feeling a bit disoriented this morning and have a mad urge to clean the entire house but no time to do it before heading off to work.  I think I will divide that job into smaller morsels and do a bit each day after work.

Hi Jdog,
I'm going to send you another safe hug, and hope you and your wife are ok.   :hug:  Thinking of you.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope!  She is just about to be released - just waiting in the hospital room for final discharge info.

Glad to hear they are releasing her.  Just wanted to wish her more health and some rest to you both  :hug:

Thank you, DB.

glad to hear she's coming home.  also wishing rest for the both of you.

i know how taxing it can be to have chronically ill people in one's life.  self-care is of the utmost importance.  i hope you can take some time for yourself, maybe an overnite in a motel, just a bit of time all for you.  don't know if it's possible, but i do know the benefits - i used to go away by myself for a weekend during the year and just veg out.  it was so rejuvenating not to have responsibilities for others for 48 hrs.

however it works best for you, tho, always.  love and hugs, sweetie.

BeHea1thy-

Yes, both are home now.  Thanks for your sweet message.  It was a rough couple of days, not knowing for sure what was wrong and then catastrophizing, which meant little sleep.  My wife is on the slow path to regaining her strength now, thank goodness.  I don't have school tomorrow because am going for another X-ray on the bum foot to be followed by the appt. with my podiatrist.  Sigh.  I'm eating my ice cream and just staying as positive as I can.

After catastrophizing, you could probably use a longer weekend.  I hope the 2 of you have a relaxing weekend.  Hopefully you hear good news about your foot too.

Much love  :hug:

Yes, my system needs a "reset", for sure.    Thank goodness for National Public Radio, chocolate, my recliner, a therapist who allows me to email even after 2 1/2 years of no face to face contact, the wonderful new Barbara Kingsolver novel, beautiful pieces of chamber music, and all of my friends here at OOTS.

Thank you for your kind and generous spirit.

good luck with your foot.  glad you've got all your 'goodies' at hand to help relax you.  this stuff is so draining.  love and hugs.

I was able to see the xrays taken today alongside those from one month ago, and the fracture is healing.  There is less fear with more information, as you stated, BH.  I am to continue wearing the big ole boot for two more weeks, and can try transitioning into a smaller flat bottomed ortho shoe.

So, maybe I can do a little walking over Thanksgiving Break.  I'm still depressed, but slightly hopeful as well.  It's overwhelming being nursemaid to a sick spouse at the same time one is trying to heal one's own injuries.  But, doable.  And the spouse is starting to get better and able to eat a little bit.

Thanks for all the love and support, everyone.  It is much appreciated.

Hi Jdog - glad to hear that your fracture is healing - and you've got 2 more weeks of the 'big ole boot' - hope you're able to move about reasonably ok with that - great that you can then transition to the smaller flat bottomed ortho shoe. 
Really glad to hear you are slightly hopeful - and that your spouse if starting to get better and is able to eat a little. 
I think you were very strong to cope with being a nursemaid as well as trying to heal from your own injuries.
Hope  :)

Thank you for your kindness, Hope. ;)

Hey Jdog,
I'm glad to hear that your foot is coming along.  Have you used a bone growth stimulator at all?   I did that with my broken foot and it really seemed to shorten the healing process.  I'm sure it also depends on the location of the break though.

It's so hard when the things we love are taken from us.  Your wife's health, your exercise... it's tough stuff. Just want you to know you are doing a great job fighting that adversity friend.  :hug:  You are showing so much resilience and I am blown away by the fight within you.

Deep Blue-

Probably this set of life circumstances is a chance to work on acceptance of things that I cannot change.  And yes, I am sort of a fighter in the sense that I can't roll around in self pity for too long.  The fracture is a stress fracture and it is healing normally, so I think just letting it continue is the best.  My wife's illness, one of many that she has had and probably will have, is nothing I can affect or control.  She is a marvelous, creative, loving person with a childhood that has left her in very bad shape.  I think her illnesses are at least partly brought on by the PTSD and CPTSD she has experienced.  Electrocuted at age 2 1/2 when she bit into an electrical cord (father was drinking instead of watching her), forced to undergo more than 12 surgeries on her face to reconstruct it after the damage, Mother rejected both her and her father after the accident.....and more.  It's fairly awful stuff.  She has overcome rejection, learning disabilities due to the accident, and has come out able to not only live her life but as a leader.  I don't know how she does it. 

Sorry to go on so......I am wanting to put my minor discomforts into perspective.  Thanks for all the support, Deep Blue, and others on this site.  You all are amazing, and I look up to you so much!

Wow it seems that you and your wife are a good match.  You are lucky to have each other. 

I agree with BeHealthy that what she suffered was tragic.  It really speaks to her strength and your understanding.  Love to you both  :hug:

Thank you, both BH and DB.  Yes, we are a good match.  It's taken years for us to iron out some interpersonal difficulties, as we have tended to trigger one another in the past.  16 years in, we are doing better than ever.  My wife and I are opposites in many ways, but share a set of essential values.  In today's world, that matters very much.  Whereas I am bookish, into classical music, and I possession of a masters degree, she is more blue collar, country music loving, and possesses an associate degree from community college.  But who said we have to be with someone exactly like ourselves?  We share a belief in the dignity and worth of all people, the importance of caring for kids and animals, and love the outdoors.  Seems like a winning formula.

Today, we remain in recovery mode.  We dropped off our ballots yesterday (hey, Americans, VOTE!!).  We went to a movie.  That's all we will likely do this weekend,  as her insides and my foot continue to heal. 

Blessings to you all in these somber times.

QuoteBut who said we have to be with someone exactly like ourselves?

I once heard it said that if two people in a marriage are exactly the same, one of them is redundant. :rofl:

Haha!  Love it!  No redundancy here.

I have my masters and my husband has his associates too.  Our core values are the same but I'm so type A and he's type B all the way.  Sometimes it causes problems.  I love the layers of our similarity Jdog

Deep Blue- 
I love our similarities also.  How fun!  I would have to say that there is no Type B in m6 house, however.  Type A and and Type AA, maybe.  Control issues, you might correctly infer.  But we manage.

Quote from: Jdog on November 04, 2018, 04:27:43 PM
Today, we remain in recovery mode.  We dropped off our ballots yesterday (hey, Americans, VOTE!!).  We went to a movie.  That's all we will likely do this weekend,  as her insides and my foot continue to heal. 

Great to hear you are both in 'recovery mode' and wishing you continued healing. 

Hope  :)

I appreciate your support from across the pond, Hope67.  Here's wishing you a good day of healing as well. :heythere:

Wow, there is so much pain in my state.  A mass shooting yesterday, wildfires near the shooting and also north of where I live.  This makes me feel grateful for my life as well as sad for those who have challenging circumstances.  I had a wonderful guest speaker for all my classes yesterday, even had her speak in a colleague's class during my prep.  Her topic was Environmental Justice, looking at the way both historical racism and racism today affects those living in particular communities so much more than those in neighboring communities.  How peoples' life expectancy can be predicted by the block or neighborhood in which they live.  How air pollution, traffic, lack of sidewalks, lower quality schools, and more affect people of color and low income people to an extent unknown by those with more power, better education, or whiter skin.  It was fascinating, students listened attentively.  I hope they take it in, learn to use political structures to change their lives. 

Today, it's persimmon tasting and doing a short observation in the school garden.  Hopefully, we won't be overwhelmed by smoky air.

Glad you're safe!  :hug:

I'm glad to hear the speaker was good. 
Was the shooting the one at the bar?

I often wonder if the speakers get through to the kids.  I think it depends if they buy in you know?  Only time will tell I guess

Deep Blue-

Yes, the bar shooting is the one I was talking about.  Until very recently, I had relatives in that town.  Such a terrible tragedy.  Along with our fires, it's very triggering for a lot of us.  I'm not even worried about my use of food to numb me at the moment.  It's such a small thing compared with the pain so many are feeling.

Also - my student teacher learned his father suddenly died today. 

In terms of the speaker - yes, hard to know whether they really get through to students.  I did do a debrief today and some from each class at least sounded as if they got the messages.

We have had trrrible air these past several days, but that's nothing compared with those who have lost lives, homes, and all semblance of normalcy.  Of course, our lovely president is waffling in giving federal aid as he blames the rest of us for poor forest management.  Hello?  Even if that were the actual problem, 80% of our forests are federal, not state property.  And he hasn't made massive cuts to the budgets which handle forest management.  Anyways, it is more related to climate change, which he denies having any bearing on the fires. 
Meanwhile, my wife and I are having a nice time together despite the woes of the world.  We cooked pumpkin bread and soup today, played Chinese checkers, listened to CDs, and watched movies.  I played my guitar for a little while.  My disordered eating is still a minor problem, but I see hope on the horizon.  And I walked outside without the cumbersome boot for the first time in 8 weeks.  I'm looking forward to regaining muscle and losing a bit of fat as I can begin walking more regularly.

Looking forward to some better things in coming days.

Hi Jdog,
Every time I see the news, and the fires in California I am thinking of you and your wife - and I am glad that you are both safe.  I heard that your President had said about Forest Management, and I thought that was a very insensitive and badly thought out response. 
Your Pumpkin bread and soup sounds so lovely - and you had some quality time together - it sounds really good - and glad you were able to get out without that cumbersome boot - freedom!!!  Very pleased to hear you're both recuperating well and enjoying one another's company - that is really good. 
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope.  Life is so unpredictable, and I am extremely grateful that my wife is feel8ng better and that we are getting along so well.   I am still dealing with my own triggers, and am trying to be as self compassionate as I can.

Best to you, also.

Following 3 days of misery  smoke, my school district finally decided to cancel class for tomorrow.  I honestly doubt whether enough teachers would have shown up to work tomorrow to teach the few students who were in attendance. The  air is truly that bad.   We are breathing in particles of toxic materials along with who knows what.  Ick.  So,  my wife and I will leave for our week vacation one day early.  Yay.


Feeling overwhelmed, overstuffed, overstimulated.   Noises are too loud.  Time for bed.

I'm so sorry for the air quality,
My friend just bought a new vent for her air purifier.  Her asthma is really rough. 

I hope the air quality gets better.  Glad you two are getting an extra day off but sad for the circumstances  :hug:

Enjoy your break.

Please take care, the two of you ❤️

Thanks Deep Blue-

Sorry for your friend's breathing troubles.  We drove to Monterey yesterday and the air is much better here.  Diving to a town near Santa Barbara today. 

So much loss.   This disaster will take years to recover from.  Some, of course, will never recover. 

Hi Jdog,
Wishing you the best for this week and also hope that you are ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi, Hope-

Yep,  doing ok!  Thanks for asking!!  We are in S Cal and the air is much better!   

We went by the makeshift memorial to the victims killed in the Borderline Bar in S Cal.  So sad.  A local screen printing shop made t shirts and sweatshirts and mugs, etc. with messages of support for those who have lost loved ones, with profits going to the families.  We bought some shirts and a mug and coasters.  It feels good to be able to help those who suffered such a terrible loss.  We will go walk on the beach later, trying to find some beauty during this time of murder and devastating fires. 

Glad you all are here.

Glad you're here, too.  :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

I am glad you're here too Jdog - sending you a warm hug  :hug: and a big group hug too  :grouphug:
Hope  :)

Jdog,
It's so hard not to get pulled down by the devastation.  I'm going to look and see where I can donate money to help as well.  Maybe I can order a sweatshirt too.

Keep taking care of you my dear.  Much love to you  :hug:

Thanks for your support, Hope and Deep Blue!

DB- If you want to order a shirt to support the families of those who lost their lives in Thousand Oaks, check eastwindscreenprint.com.  They are the folks making T-shirts, sweatshirts, and other memorabilia.  They are donating most or all profits to the families to help defray funeral expenses, etc.

We also helped sponsor one of the families who lost a home in Paradise, CA.  If anyone wants to help, I'm told there is a Facebook group connecting donors with needy families.  I'm not on Facebook, so I can't be any more helpful than that. 

To those of you in the US and Canada, Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy ThanksGiving to you Jdog.   :)
Hope  :)

Two years ago, I ran in my town's marathon for the second time.  Last year, right around this time, I acquired an injury which has kept me sidelined.  Recently, I have been able to walk senza the boot, which is great and wonderful to me.  Today, I walked 2.2 miles up to cheer on the marathon runners at Mile 10.  It's a bright, beautiful day and this little walk helped me release a bit more of the "I'm not good enough" tape that plays in my head.  I also observed salmon spawning in the River, something I could not have done if running.  I ended up crying some unshed tears for the loss of my Mom 6 1/2 years ago, and let myself really feel the pain in my belly.

It's a journey, coming to terms with limitations and letting go of what could have been but just isn't.  And through it all, the sun shines and the fall foliage is rich and colorful.  Speaking of which, I had better keep moving as I have to rake some of that lovely stuff up before rains return!!

I think you are more than good enough Jdog!

I ordered a shirt from eastwind print shop place you mentioned and had it sent to my friend that's been effected.  Thanks for suggesting it  :hug:

Thanks for the kind words, Blue.  And I'm so glad you were able to send a shirt to your friend who suffered due to the terribly smoky air we had back in November.  I'm sure she appreciated it!

Hi Jdog,  Great that you were able to support and cheer the people doing that marathon - and that you walked 2.2 miles - sounds like a lovely day as well - and I agree with Deep Blue - you are much much more than good enough - you are wonderful.    Glad you were able to cry some unshed tears for your Mom - and let yourself feel that pain in your belly.  Sending you a gentle hug -  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope.  Your gentle reflecting back is really nice.  Actually, I walked 4.5 miles since it was up and then back again.  Not that it matters....

It definitely matters - you walked a long way!   :)  Well done.   :)
Hope  :)

Wow.  What an emotional day it has been.  Starting with welcoming my student teacher back after he took time away to cope with the death of his father and a drawn out series of funeral events - he is Hmong, and the grieving process is lengthy.  Next, I had a student confide something r9 me that absolutely ripped my heart apart and he and I went to the counselor together, during which time all 3 of us sat and cried over his situation....and we are trying to help all that we can but the counselor and I look at him and see a pretty grim future unless he gets an immediate redirection and lots of outside help...

Then, since it is late in the semester, I was writing emails to parents of kids in danger of failing the class and one woman became incredibly ticked off at me since she feels I have waited too long to contact her, etc. etc. and my co teacher had friction with her son and so forth.  Ugh.  And then, I received an email from our superintendent and the president of the school board - actually, it was a video message - boo hooing about how the district is so broke and they just can't cut any more from central office so we should all be prepared to give a little back, primarily in the form of reduced benefits.  Oh, and he is going to forego his next raise...,never mind that he already makes more than the governor of the state and won't take any pay cut as a symbolic gesture.....

Then, I panicked when I thought I had lost my credit card, but it was really in the pocket of a shirt in my closet....

I needed an extra graham cracker with peanut butter and jelly tonight....my comfort food.  Yeah, I need to take off six pounds, but tonight wasn't the time to start.....

 :aaauuugh: Wow, Jdog, that's a lot! I'm sending tons of good wishes for relaxation and refreshment to you.  :hug:

Hi Jdog - I hope you enjoy that Graham cracker with peanut butter and jelly tonight - your comfort food.  I can see you've had so much to deal with - very emotional - sending you a hug  :hug: and hope that you can relax this evening. 
Hope  :)

Thanks, 3 Roses and Hope.  The young man I mentioned came to school on time, had eaten breakfast, and was really glad to receive the alarm clock I purchased for him.  It was heartwarming seeing him awake and smiling! 

The school district woes won't end any time soon, but I can't let that be my focus.  I feel appreciated at my school site.  That counts for a lot, since I have sure had the opposite feeling in the past.  Lately, it seems my triggers have lead me to good places as I have just continued following the feelings that get stirred up.  There's a lot left to do, healing wise, but I have so much gratitude for the distance I have already come.

Hi Jdog, It's great that the young man was awake and smiling today - and that he appreciated the alarm clock you purchased for him, and I think it's great that you feel appreciated at your school site.  I just want to add that I hope you feel appreciated here too - as I and many others appreciate you!   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope!  I appreciate everyone here, and do feel appreciated myself.

Jdog,
That sounds like something I've done with students too.  You are incredible and I'm glad you were able to get through it.  Even as I read your entry I could see the heavy weights getting added one by one.

Kudos to you for not letting it keep you down.  I'm glad to see you building up the strength and doing some self care too.  Much love darling  :hug:

you know, sweetie, having worked in a school situation before, it just grinds my gears when i hear about cutbacks and such.  been there, done that, and it was such b.s.   :pissed:  i'm just really glad you feel appreciated.  you are a special kind of teacher and only deserve the best in one of the toughest jobs ever.

as far as that gritchy parent, why isn't she seeing the homework/test grades as the semester goes along?  that's on her to be keeping up with her kids' progress or struggles in school.  dang!

so, there's my little rant, all in your favor.  i think you're great.  love and hugs, jdog.

Thanks, friends.  Yes, parents are sometimes looking for excuses when their kids screw up academically.  Back when there were no electronic ways to check on grades, it seemed like thee were also fewer people looking to blame me for not jumping in and doing parents' work for them.  It's all very confusing to me.  Sometimes, the more tools people have the less they want to utilize them.  What's that all about?  Guilt?  Overwhelm?  I had a little run in with a student who should not even be in my class as he is emotionally incapable of functioning in a mainstream environment, but his Mom insists that he be in regular classes.  And, when he inevitably gets to the point of needing to be sent out, she accuses me of not following his IEP or Behavioral Intervention Plan first.  All I want to do is teach and help people, not constantly be trying to protect myself from crazy parents and incompetent school boards.  It's exhausting.

It feels good to rant.  Now, maybe I can go back to trying to be gentle with my wife instead of being petty and distant.  Sigh.  I'm tired, and we have to work an estate sale tomorrow.  Hey, at least it's not grading papers.

Hope the estate sale goes smoothly!  :)

Yes, I am looking forward to that distraction!  Thanks 3 Roses!

Jdog,
I feel ya girl! Even though parents can check in on grades, they want us to call home and and not email to inform them.  It ends up that the teacher does more work than the kid who fails the class.   :stars:

I totally agree that there always seems to be something.  When do we get to teach? A parent's blame, a speaker, testing, read this, check attendance for that, it's like aaaahhhhhh I just want to do my job!

Have a nice weekend, hope the estate sale goes well  :hug:

DB/

It's so good to have a fellow teacher to listen to me and confirm my frustrations!!! Thanks so much!

The estate sale is off to a slow start....hoping for more customers as the morning progresses.   It's chilly here, so people may still be having their coffee.....

Things went  well yesterday at the estate sale,  and my wife and I got along so well. I got home before she did and put some cookies in the oven so that the house smelled nice for her when she got home.  We had cookies and decaf and watched a Christmas movie.  Today, we went to an historic town  which was all done up for Christmas and learned about the history of various residents and businesses and ate soup and cookies.   On the way home we went for dinner.  What a nice weekend.

I have an accute awareness that I have more healing to do.  What  is new is that I accept myself more than before and this lets me accept my wife also.  There is shame still and loneliness and depression, but keeping my heart open to me lets me be more available to others.

Sounds nice those cookies, accepting ourselves and the trauma is the only way to heal ( that I know of ) it's hard but so much better than living in denial, I'm glad u had a nice time with your wife  :thumbup:

Love you Jdog!

I have more healing to do too. Glad we have each other to lean on  :grouphug:

sounds like a lovely weekend.  love your acceptance, sweetie.  i agree, there's more healing to do, but i think acceptance goes a long way toward that end.  love and hugs.

I am lucky to have you, too, Blue!  Love you!

San-acceptance is a daily challenge, and it's a sobering task but a better way to go than alienating myself from myself.  Thanks for the love!

Hi Jdog,
I hope you and your wife are doing ok - and I am sending you a hug  :hug:  I'm glad to see that you had an enjoyable day together at the estate sale.  I bet those cookies smelled gorgeous.  Christmas movie too - that sounds really lovely.  Glad you had a lovely weekend.
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope!  This past weekend we went to a little town and sold things at an indoor flea market.  It was like going back in time, since it's a tiny town with one Main Street and no stop lights at all.  The people are friendly, a bit quirky.  But it was low key.  I am in my last week before Christmas break now.  It's a bit of a frantic time, and I look forward to a nice, slow two weeks off.

Same and same!

Last week of school and it is a bit frantic indeed!

What Christmas movie did you watch? Do you have a favorite?

i love little towns like that.  i'm figuring out that i'm a small-town gal all the way.

i'm sure those 2 weeks will be a welcome relief.  enjoy, enjoy.  love and hugs, sweetie. 

Haha - so close to vacations!!  DB - we watched a Lifetime Channel movie and I have no clue of the title.  My wife watches as many of those as well as Hallmark Christmas movies as possible, as they offer a retreat into fantasy and a way to block out the ridiculous mess created by the Trump administration.  No mention of migrants, secret talks with Russians, or all the brand new ways we will all be hated on in these movies. 

San- thanks for the well wishes.  My students have been doing research on the effects of climate change upon any chosen area in the world, and they are presenting the slides they have made to the classes.  I like to keep the stakes high as we approach vacation, and this is 20% of their semester grade.  They are doing pretty well, as even the lowest special ed kids are pulling something together and standing up to speak. 

Stick THAT in your Christmas stocking, Trumpster!!

HI Jdog,
I also watch those 'Hallmark' Christmas films you mentioned - they are a retreat into fantasy - they tend to be on in the afternoons here, and I tape them.  They are set in America, and I am beginning to recognise some of the actors now!   I know your wife watches them. 
The Christmas holidays are approaching, so I hope you are enjoying your weekend.
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope!  Yes, it's now day one of vacation and although I am completely pooped it's good to have less pressure to do school related planning and grading.  I just received a Christmas card from a gal I knew growing up and found out that her husband passed away in August, so that is sad.  They didn't have an easy marriage but a sudden death like the one he suffered is a terrible shock for the survivors. 

So, I need to remember that each day is precious. 

Merry Christmas Jdog,
I hope you enjoy your time off.  Sending you gingerbread cookies and time to relax with your wife.
:bighug:

Yummy cookies, Deep Blue!!  Please share your recipe!!

I'll contribute some hot chocolate! There's different flavors - mint, raspberry and French vanilla. ☕

Hi Jdog, Yes, each day is precious, and so is every moment.  I'm glad I popped in here just now, as I see there are yummy cookies and hot chocolate - so I hope I can share some with you all.   :)  What can I bring - maybe some macaroons. 
Hoping you have a lovely Christmas.
Hope  :)

What a fun party!  My wife and I are feeling so blessed to be invited to the party.  I think vanilla hit chocolate sounds lovely, but other flavors intrigue me as well.  And Hope, we definitely have space on the table for your macaroons, so please bring them.  We also have coffee, both regular and decaf. 

Pull up a chair, everyone!

Great, lots of colourful macaroons - in everyone's favourite colours - and I'm enjoying this party - thank you  :party: 

Have a lovely day.

Hope  :)

Yummy!

Well, I am in bed trying to make this cold go away.  I've already had a big misunderstanding with my wife today and just think it's best if I don't join her and the neighbors at Christmas Eve dinner and church going.  I have reading to do here. 

Hi Jdog,  I hope your cold is getting better, and I hope the day is going ok - this time of year is notorious for misunderstandings - I think - so I hope that you and your wife are doing well today - whatever is happening, sending you good wishes.
Hope  :)

Hope you are feeling better today, Jdog!

My wife is no longer upset with me and I am still suffering with the cold.  It will get better.  Thanks, Hope and 3Roses.

Stress adds to recovery time. Did you know that?  Maybe now that she is not mad you can heal quicker.  Sending you love... and vitamin C... lots of it  :bigwink:

Thanks for both , DB!!

Hope ur cold is gone now hoping u have a great holiday season jdog and a healing happy new year  ;D

Wattlebird/

Cold not exactly gone but I am better, thanks.  I am well enough to take my car in for routine maintenance this morning, and I hope to do one or two other errands as well.

Thanks for your concern.  I love your bird picture, BTW!

Hi Jdog, I hope you're continuing to feel better as time progresses, regarding your cold.  I hope it will leave you alone soon, so you can breathe clearly.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Hope you're feeling better!  :hug:

Friends-

Yes, my cold is nearly over.  Wishing all a very Happy New Year! :cheer:

 :bighug:

Happy new year jdog hope it's a good one for you, glad you are feeling better.

I have been kind of morose lately, feeling as though my decision to disconnect from most members of my FOO years ago was a mistake since I am on the cusp of 60 and feeling the loss of family.  Even the two cousins with whom I once freely corresponded have distanced themselves.  I am actually about to snail mail yet another cousin, hoping for connection.  You see, I learned a couple of years ago that my own father told a group of cousins on that side of the family that I was a "*" who wanted nothing to do with him or basically with them.  A lie.  I was young, feeling alienated, and often chose to read or play my musical instrument rather than be subjected to my father's teasing and bullying.  But I would have liked to have had a good relationship.  And, being different in my sexual orientation - though I didn't know it at the time, exactly - did nothing to ease family tensions.

But the great thing that happened today was this:  A very old friend texted out of he blue and said she was in town from another state where she and her husband and kids live, and wanted to get together.  It was fantastic seeing her, and reminded me that the love of those whom I have chosen to let into my life can make up for what I don't have from distant family.  At least some of the time.  Definitely, today.  Thank you, Universe.

i'll echo that 'thank you, universe'.  those disconnect decisions can be tough at times, especially around occasions that are touted as 'family' affairs.  personally, i think you made a healthy decision about foo.  very glad a friend stepped up to connect with you. 

happy birthday, early (in case i forget).  may i just say that my 60's were some of the most productive of my life, no matter what else was going on with me.  i hope you enjoy yours.  love and hugs. 

 :applause: So glad you had fun with your friend!

Hi Jdog,
Sending you a hug  :hug: - I hope that your attempts to contact your cousin will be positive for you.  Whatever happens, wishing you the best for today - and your Birthday will be soon - I hope it will be a good one for you. 
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope.  I have not decided whether or not to send the card to my cousin, after all.  I want to be sure I am not just feeling external pressures to connect following the holidays.  I dont want to beg to be let back into the family, as I am worth more than that.

My wife and I just got back from three nights out of town, during which we intended to visit a national park here in the U.S.  However, once I heard about the terrible littering and abuse of the natural resource happening due to there being few rangers (we are in a partial government shutdown), I could not, in good conscience, become a further burden along with the many free loaders who are going because there is no collection of fees happening.  If we had gone, I would have spent the entire time picking up trash left by the "poorly brought up" portion of society,  Not a great birthday gift to myself, I thought.  My wife agreed, and we did small shopping and sight seeing adventures rather than visit the park.  It may sound like a let down, but I feel that I upheld my principles by not becoming a further burden to the already strained resources. 

I so very much hope this government shutdown is lifted soon, as many workers across our nation are suffering. 

It's lovely to see some people who have real integrity, I applaud your decision, I live in a small country tourist destination, and over holiday season there's so much rubbish left everywhere, bags dumped on the side of the road, beach littered etc etc
It's so frustrating to see people come to enjoy natures beauty but dumping on it. Good for you  :yes:

Thanks very much, Wattlebird.  I sometimes feel very ashamed of other peoples' disrespect of our shared planet and its resources. 

I am sorry that people routinely trash your area as well.  So disappointing. 

Hi Jdog,
I think it's your Birthday sometime around now - and I might already have missed it, but I wanted to wish you the best for your Birthday and send you a Birthday hug  :hug:
Happy Birthday!   :cake:
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope!  Yep - it's tomorrow!

 :cheer: Happy Birthday Salutations !!!  :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  :cheer:  :fireworks:

Thanks, friends.  60 and going strong....

happy birthday, jdog!  enjoy your day.  hope you also enjoy your 60's - they can be great.

:cake: :phoot: :boogie:

love and hugs, sweetie.

Thanks, sweet San!  The 60's will be groovilicious!

Hey j dog
Happy birthday to yooooouuuu 😊
Celebrating all.the great things that you are with a kind heart

 :bighug: :cake: :phoot:
Groovilicious 60's - Happy Birthday!

Jdog, you are Groovilicious!   :)

Hope  :)

Haha!! Thanks Boats and Hope!! Waiting for my PT for plantar fasciitis right at the moment.  Ah, the fun of aging!! But my mind works just fine, thank you very much. 

Love ya Jdog! Is your plantar fasciitis both feet or just one?  My friend tore hers and it took some recovery but I guess it doesn't come back????

Hope you have a good new crop of kids this semester!

Its only left foot.  My PT dude is methodical and patient and seems really aware of steps I must take toward full recovery.

Not a new semester for me yet. Also, my course goes for 2 semesters.  Glad I enjoy my students!

Thanks for the great birthday wishes, BH, and I love that it's today instead of yesterday.  I'm stretching the "aha" feeling of landing safely at 60 for as long as possible.  It's kinda like playing an odd version of a board game, where each square holds new challenges and promises.  I doubt I have enough cash reserves to buy Park Place or add a hotel to one of my holdings, but otherwise am feeling pretty well.  Passed Go, collected $200, and so forth.....

I finally did mail the card to my cousin today because I decided that I am far richer in friends than I often realize and don't feel as vulnerable as I have in the recent past.  If she responds positively, yay.  If she ignores me, ok as well.  Her choice to make.  My chosen family (which also includes my buddies here at OOTS) gives me so much and I am deeply grateful.  As far as actual blood relations.....don't know them very well, and will connect if and when it seems right.

Ha.  The continued federal shutdown will definitely provide we trash collectors a few more opportunities to be the do-gooders we profess to be.  Is that a silver lining? 

Something positive today - I met a student who just completed his first week at my school, and is transgender.  He came to my school specifically because word on the street is that we are a very good place for folks like him to be.  He was horribly bullied at his last school and says that the week at my school has been an absolute dream.

So great for me to be a small part of keeping us a safe place for all students.

HI Jdog,
That is very positive - it is very heart-warming to hear that.  A safe place - and you are part of that safety haven for your students. 
:hug: to you Jdog.
Hope  :)

Sorry it took me a couple days to see this Jdog! I love that! I've had 3 students who were transgender.  There is one this year that is also non-binary but they are not in my class.

I have a sticker on my door that welcomes all those of the lgbt community and I love that your school is a safe place  :hug:

Thanks for your kind words, Hope BH and DB.  The evolution of thinking is slow, and even in my school ( no bastion of liberalism, BTW), we have much work to do.  The next real task is to educate some of our teachers, particularly the older ones who are tasked with teaching sex Ed.  The new sex ed lessons explicitly discuss gender identity and I have become aware that some teachers are not covering this as required.  We met and discussed this in our LGBTQ club meeting.  Hoping for support from admin as we tackle this tough issue. 

I feel ya girl!  :yes: 

Some of our psych texts are very out of date.  The DSM-IV was simply incorrect and marked homosexuality as a mental disorder.  Obviously not the case. Lucky I have more books with the DSM-5 now.

Good - glad DSM 5 info is in your books now.   California's health requirement specifies that students become aware of all types of gender and  and sexual identity identification and it is apparently most distressing to some of the older teachers tasked with including this in the biology curriculum.  I expressed my dismay to our principal this morning, as not teaching to the standards is plainly not acceptable.

My thoughts exactly  :yes:

I am here to celebrate the fact that I took a big chance and sent a snail mail letter to what I hoped was the address of a long lost cousin, giving her my email address.  She wrote back today - a wonderful thing, considering how socially conservative my family is ( my being lesbian isn't accepted by many of them).  I really like this cousin and am thrilled that she wrote me.  As an only child whose parents are dead and with no children of my own I do value having SOME family in my life. 

So, it's a big day for me.

 :thumbup: Cool! May the tidings continue on their upswing for you. And in the tidings, a dollop or more of hope that you will find at last find someone who will finally understand and, more important, accept you unconditionally.  :hug:

Nice, it's good to see their not all so "conservative " my niece just come out and my parents generation are finding it difficult to accept, although they haven't disowned her or anything, are just baffled and think she's trying to be trendy (eye roll)
I'm glad for you and hope it develops into a healthy family connection  :hug:

Woodsgnome-

Thanks so much for the well wishes.  My dear Auntie from the other side of the family was the one who accepted me unconditionally and even spoke up when fellow memebers of her Lutheran Church expressed dismay or disgust about gay folks.  Sadly, she passed in January of 2017.  But maybe others, some of whom I may not even know yet, will be more understanding also. 

Wattlebird-

Haha.  Yes, we gays are so trendy.  Hard to even keep up with our next trends.   I wish good things for your niece.  I don't know her age but the high schoolers and your adults with whom I have contact are so much freer than oldersters like me.  Not that the political situation here in the states is all that supportive, quite the contrary.  But apparently 67% of Americans are in favor of gay marriage, which is a huge change from ages past.  I don't know the situation in your country, but perhaps it's much the same. 

Yes we got to vote on gay marriage last year or maybe 2016, the yes vote won easily and it was leagalised, my adult children where horrified that when we went to school if you were gay you were bullied (a lot). So looks like progress here, they had several gay friends at school and no one thought anything of it, and it is a Church run school.
I think it quite tolerant here, although a gay friend of mine said he still gets called faggot occasionally so there's still some homophobes around.

Hi Jdog,
It is lovely to read your good news about your cousin.  That is a wonderful thing.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Wattlebird-

That's wonderful news that your country is so supportive of gender identities and various sexual preferences.  And to have a Church school be so cool about it.,..wow.

Hope and BH-

Thanks for the encouragement and for being happy with me.  I was very open with cousin in my follow up email, mentioning how long my wife and I have been married, etc. and now I hope I haven't ruined the chances for further contact.  But I am too old to go back into the closet.  So, hoping for the best.  And, I really think she had a long term lesbian partner too - hiding in plain sight as it were.

Hi Jdog,
I hope that you'll have a further positive reply from your cousin.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope.  I wish I didn't put so much stock in her response or non response.

I can understand that having positive contact from a family member who i like and appears safe is a big big deal ! Finding blood where there is a chance of healthy relationship.
I've had a similar situation with a cousin lately . we were close.when younger . i however know to keep boundaries and reservation feel my way slowly with it cause the disorders are a family affair and i don't think anyone in the family is truly safe ...unless im proved otherwise ;)

Thanks, Boats.  Yes, I feel that family is a concept that I probably don't understand in the same way others do.  I moved 2500 miles away from most of them, for several reasons not entirely due to our relationships.  But I never felt included or that I truly belonged and wanted to get on with my life.  Being older, I wonder how many of those my age or younger would be pleasant company for me now.  So,  I am dipping one toe in the water and have to be ok with whatever I discover.

 :hug: to you jdog - dipping your toe in the water was brave, I think. 
Hope  :)

Great news!  Cousin emailed that she loves  the pics I sent and loves me, too.  Ahh.... :hug:

  :thumbup: good to hear

 :cheer:  This is lovely Jdog.  I am so happy to hear this.
Hope  :)

Brilliant news !
Pleasant company sounds like it.could be yours :)

 :hug: to all of you!

I had trouble sleeping and here is the fun I had as I thought of alternative comment codes I wish I could use when entering semester grades.

Highly Ability, Low Interest, Tuned Out Students In School (otherwise known as HALITOSIS).

Presenting A Reduced Capacity, Probably as a Result of Trauma (otherwise known as CRAP TRAP...you have to go backwards to get this one).

Students With Increasing Motivation and Maturity Experiencing Real Success! (otherwise known as SWIMMERS).

:bigwink:

😂😂😂

Ha ha ha  :rofl:

I adore you! You know that? What a novel thing to do when you can't sleep!

I think mine would be Lacks Academic Zest Yearly!   LAZY. Ha ha

LAZY is a great One!!  Haha!  I adore you, too, Blue!

BH - yes, end of the semester is stressful as I despair when my students lack of progress stares me in the face.  But there are always SWIMMERS to help me fine safer shores!  Thanks for the appreciation.  Question:  Do any of these qualify as backronymns?

ThreeRoses-

Happy to provide a laugh!

My wife's health continues to be a challenge and is leaving me feeling quite helpless and sad.  Even though she is younger than me, you would not know it by looking at her or understanding all that is wrong with her body.  She does not need to report to work, at least, as she officially retired in 2011 and runs her own business out of our home.  But I fear that she will die before I can retire, and that makes me so very depressed and sad.

Oh Jdog, idk what to say, can I just give you a hug?  :hug:

Jdog,
I'm so sorry. Things I can't control are a big trigger for me.  I struggle when my son is sick.  I can't imagine how hard it must be that it is your wife  :'(

Sending you some love and strength  :hug:

Thanks, internet buddies.  I usually can distract myself by focusing upon life's other joys and sorrows but am being hit particularly hard by this one now.  And the interesting thing is that she wants to play racket ball with me this afternoon.  She is courageous and not willing to give in to setbacks, quite an admirable trait.

Your support, 3 Roses, Deep Blue, and BeHea1thy means more than I can say.  It really helps. 

I am feeling better today.  The uncertainty about my wife's health remains but is not overshadowing all that is right with my world.  I was able to fix some problems with my classes today.  The problems occurred as a result of having a sub for half of yesterday and having students ride roughshod over her.  I stepped in today and provided a rewarding activity/lab for those who managed to complete the assignment while the rest had to sit and still finish yesterday's work.  I also made sure the classes knew how sad and disappointed I was that they were anything less than courteous to a guest in the classroom.  That all felt right.  I doubled checked with the successful students to make sure they felt special and recognized by getting to do the optional activity.  They said that they did feel that way.  I will be using the same activity with several of my other classes which did not cause problems (or did not have the sub since I actually taught the morning classes yesterday).

I spent an enjoyable hour in the school garden this afternoon, supervising the after school garden class as they did some weeding.  They got to eat some oranges that grow on a tree in the orchard.  It's good to see kids working and laughing outdoors.  I hope to take a few regular classes out tomorrow. That's a great deal more challenging. 

Hi Jdog,
I am glad that you're feeling better today.    Sounds like you handled that situation in your classes admirably as well -  :cheer:
I think it's great that your class were eating organs from the tree in the orchard - that is cool.  Hope you enjoy your regular classes and the trips out tomorrow.   Although you said it will be a great deal more challenging, I feel sure you'll manage it.   :)
Hope  :)

Ah, shucks. Thanks, you two.  And the three classes that did gardening today pulled a prodigious amount of weeds.  I'm looking forward to planting some other veggies between our rows of nitrogen fixing Fava beans. And no, the kids haven't ever seen "Silence of the Lambs", so they don't have any weird ideas when fava beans come up in conversation......(Clarice...)

Yes, y'all have been in a deep feeeze in much of the country.  We are expected to get some rain over the weekend, but nothing as scary as much of the U.S.  I was just reading that Chicago is calling itself "Chiberia" and "Chilaska."  I want the job of renaming places to match their weather.  How about "Caliburnia" or "Freezouri"? 

My wife had a CT scan yesterday and it appears that the pancreatitis is no more.  She still has some pain and is stressed at the moment over some flooring in our kitchen that a repairman is coming to replace today....long story.  But it's the stress that hurts her most.  I would know something about the physical effect as of stress.....

Ah, Friday.  At least there's that.  And there's a little recognition breakfast for high achieving and overall good-egg students (haha...probably serving eggs as well) this morning before school.  That's always a highlight of the year, as each of us staff members picks two kids to sit and eat with us and they all get certificates and pens and a scratch behind the ears from the administration.  Very sweet. 

QuoteI want the job of renaming places to match their weather.  How about "Caliburnia" or "Freezouri"? 

:rofl:

The heavy rain and my own emotional weather woke me early this morning, and I was able to do body scans and work with mental imagery to be able to stay unde the covers for a couple of hours.  I had a realization about the long term effects of stress on my body which in turn lead me to thoughts about some rough patches I have been through over the course of 25 years.  I have shame and tend to turn away from myself rather than toward myself when I recalling ways in which I handled adversity in the past.  I was with a partner who turned away from me, and that lead me to betray her and myself in ways that seemed inevitable at the time.  Holding secrets and denying feelings left me very separate from my true self and it took years to heal from that trap. 

I did heal, and met someone new and began a life that was more authentic (though still very much out of touch with pain that predated my adult problems).  Within only two years time, I was plunged into another * when my Mother had first one stroke and then others.  I had daily worries about her, drove miles and miles to see her several times a month, had to endure the abuse of her narcissistic partner (who failed to properly care for her, resulting in a very unpleasant forced removal to a care home), and this lasted for 8 years.  She died seven years ago, and much of my grief has now dissipated.  But I have had to rediscover myself, the me who exists underneath pain and denial and constant efforts to prove my worth. 

So, I am not sure who I am becoming.  I suspect few of us do know that about ourselves as we transition into new stages of life.  One thing is for sure:  If I can release stress that I have carried for many years, I will find more joy and can more easily reinvent myself.  Looking back, I can have a sense of gratitude for having moved through so much pain and appreciate my grit and tenacity.  I did the best I could, and now I have knowledge to do differently. 

I'm glad I'm not alone in having pain, revelations, and discoveries.  Growth is hard won. 

Quote from: Jdog on February 02, 2019, 01:01:49 PM
One thing is for sure:  If I can release stress that I have carried for many years, I will find more joy and can more easily reinvent myself.  Looking back, I can have a sense of gratitude for having moved through so much pain and appreciate my grit and tenacity.  I did the best I could, and now I have knowledge to do differently.

Hi Jdog,

I find what you wrote here very inspiring - meaningful - and I just wanted to send you a hug  :hug:   
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope - hugs are always appreciated!

Hi Jdog, I'd like to send you another one.   :hug:
Hope  :)

That's fantastic, Hope - much appreciated.  I attended the memorial service of a friend over the weekend, and it brought my thoughts back to my own Mom.  Mom had many admirable qualities, which are the ones I like remembering.  Compassion, great sense of humor, intelligence - ualities that I think I possess as well.  But the thing that I recalled had to do with a darker side.  Mom chose a terrible partner years after my Dad died .  Truly a damaged, NPD man.  And the other thing was that she was in denial about her own health problems.  Her high blood pressure contributed to a series of strokes that ultimately left her incapacitated for 8 years before she died. 

All of her long term care policy money ran out, and she was destitute when she died.  There had been no provision made for funeral services.  And truly, since my wife and Mom's sisters and I had to take Mom away from her partner and into a care facility (social workers were about to charge him with elder abuse) and finally to take her to another town without his knowing where we went, we did not want to publicize her passing with a public service.  So sad.  And I have felt guilt over not having a proper service since she passed in 2012.  Fast forward to this past weekend.  I am now allowing myself to feel anger at my Mom.  And that can lead to acceptance and also to a way of forgiving her for putting herself and me in such a bad situation. 

So, a lot to process.

Thanks again for the hug, Hope.  And thanks to everyone for the support you so kindly offer me here.

Hi Jdog, that is a lot to process, and hope you are ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

QuoteI am now allowing myself to feel anger at my Mom.  And that can lead to acceptance and also to a way of forgiving her for putting herself and me in such a bad situation.

Hard stuff. A safe :hug: to you if you want it.

Thanks, Hope and TR.  I have been working at letting this information in a little at a time.  So far, so good.  I am on my way towards having a more realistic view of my Mom, which is best overall.  Nobody is all good or all bad, no matter how convenient it may be for me to think that of them. 

Thanks for the support.

Mums are such an big part of us wether we like it or not, I don't personally like it but know that I need to process that relationship. Take it easy jdog and I'm sending a hug to make everything better! Well I wish I could make it all better
:hug:

Wattlebird-
Having your kind words and thoughts here does make it better.  Thanks ever so much, friend. :hug:

wow - mother stuff.  always a toughie.  i'm glad you're processing this bit by bit, at a pace best for you.  just want to let you know you're not alone.  some of my most difficult patches were wrapped around family members.  hang tough, jdog.  i like your perspective on everybody not being all good or all bad.  i think that's healthy.  i have a hard time with that at times.  ugh.

love and hugs, sweetie.

Thanks, sanmagic7.  The general icky feeling I am carrying around with me is partly related to this processing.  I am now very aware of waking up with a feeling of terror many mornings, and it is not related to the present (although there is a plentitude of terrifying stimuli in our world now).  It is old terror.  I had colic as a baby, and no doubt I was scared out of my little mind and body.  So, I am now ready to handle some of this old baggage.  And knowing that my Dad was a sort of bully and my Mom didn't know how to stand up to bullies.....well, the mind boggles with ideas about why I was afraid.

In any case, this slow processing is a good thing, and I thank you for the support.

I'm on my way out the door to go teach high school and have some concerns about student reactions to the decision not to file charges against the policemen who shot and killed Stephon Clark.  Good wishes are appreciated.

Good wishes sent!  :hug:

good wishes to you, sweetie.  i just read it myself - i can't believe this keeps happening.  love and hugs to you, too.

It's a little after 2 a.m. and I couldn't sleep so got up and made my morning cuppa joe.  Or pot of it, more accurately.  I realized I had ordered something from Amazon and forgot to check the front stoop since I came in through the entry from our garage last night.  Thankfully, my little package was waiting for me just now, an amazing thing considering the prevalence of porch pirates.  My little combination metronome/instrument tuner is all in one piece, from the looks of it.

I am aware that I must be stricter with my last class of the day.  Yesterday was not easy, partly because I didn't properly enforce the seating chart and a cluster of low level,kids was sitting together.  I must type the chart into my computer (it has been just in pencil form for the past couple of weeks) and that will also remind me to be stricter with the students about their seating.  Honestly, years ago when I moved from teaching middle school to high school I thought that some of the immature behaviors would fade away.  Some do, but many linger.  This is especially the case with kids who have not had great parenting.  The ones who are causing me grief are either being raised by grandparents or are in foster care.  They, in turn, get others in the class stirred up and there goes my lesson plan.  And yes, being a person with cptsd means I get triggered as well.  Sigh.

Maybe I will try to close my eyes a bit or read now.  I am reading Barbara Tuchman's book about the 14th Century, "A Distant Mirror."  It is both wonderful history, escapism, and a chance to consider the present era and be somewhat grateful that at least some of the practices from the past have changed.....

 :hug: :hug: for being triggered in a classroom of kids. It used to happen to me too. Not easy I know. I also had trouble being strict and enforcing rules, knowing that sometimes I was too strict. Hard to get the balance right.

:cheer: your little package didn't get stolen.

 :hug:

Hi Jdog,
Sending you a hug, and I'm happy that your package was safe.   :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:

glad you got your package.  also sounds like a good plan for reminding yourself about your seating chart, and why it's there.  a group like that can certainly be a handful, as well as triggering.  well done.  love and hugs to you.

***TW***

Whew- it's been quite a week.  I realized how much things are affecting me when my wife told me Imhad forgotten to run the dishwasher and we had company coming for dinner last night.  After feeling he shame of letting her down, I washed them all by hand before making the salad.  Any easy fix.

Lots of stress at work - everything from getting the entire school ready for a huge evaluation by an outside panel (they visit Mon-Weds. and their approval rating means kids' diplomas are legitimate) to coping with the continuing budget crisis my district faces (the state will probably take us over in the next 6 months) to dealing with the sad news of a student's demise by her own hand.....it's a lot. 

Adding to this, my city continues to roil with turmoil over the killing of an unarmed person by police last year.  Students walked out of many schools on Thursday and there was a community march last Monday.  I have my own feelings about all of this but the point is, it's a lot to manage.

Hi Jdog, that is certainly such a lot to have to deal with this week.   :hug:  I hope that you can get some much deserved rest.  I think you thought on your feet to wash all the dishes by hand - hope that you are ok.
Hope  :)

Hi jdog
Hope you take it easy, with so much emotion in the air it's easy to get overwhelmed.
:hug:

Sending you what support is possible, across the miles ❤️

You are carrying a heavy load right now. So sorry to hear about the student, so sad. Just wanted to send you support during this difficult time.

Thank you all.  You are so very kind and your kindness makes a difference to me. 

I am dressed and ready to launch my day, watching the TV news to see about possible slow traffic areas along my route.  I always get to school very early to rethink my lesson and just be able to ease into my day, and today comes with an intensified need for advance preparation.  My committee for the accreditation process meets with the accreditation team first, and it will be a relief to be on the other side of that 90 minutes. 

I am thinking about the intellectual sluggishness exhibited by some of kids who are so much more connected to their smartphones than they are to my class.  I know that many teachers have class websites and post homework and such but as I look at student grades, the students who don't read my weekly printed calendar and don't make note of the homework reminder posted on my board are also not doing the homework posted online by some other teachers.   What to make of this......
It is not an excuse for me not to go digital, but believe it or not I am not a very tech savvy person.  I have a Twitter account that I never use, no Facebook or Instagram.  So it's a challenge for me to learn new ways of posting.  And, too, fewer than half of the parents of our students even bother to use our district's online grade and attendance reporting system, which I utilize religiously.  I am proud of always being up to date on grades, unlike some of those who maintain their teacher websites.  Go figure.

I will close for now.  I appreciate this space to help me ferret out my thoughts.

Hi Jdog,
I just wanted to pop by and say that I like the phrase 'ferret out my thoughts' - it made me smile - and I want to extend a warm hug to you -  :hug:  I relate to what you say about being 'not a very tech savvy person' - I feel like that as well - I haven't even set up a Twitter account or Instagram - although I do have Facebook.  I don't use it very often though.    Well done for always being diligent with the online grade and attendance reporting system - especially in light of what you've said about your digital presence - you can clearly do it - and you prioritize what you feel is best.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope.  Your sweet reflections are a wonderful way for me to begin my day today.

The school accreditation team did not end up loving what we are doing at my school.  They thought our relationships with each other and with the kids were warm and suporrive but when it comes to the instruction they felt that we were not rigorous enough or providing enough challenge for students.  Does that apply to me and my instruction?  I don't know.  My situation is somewhat complicated due to the fact that we have intentionally included many more special education students in my classes than most other science teachers are hosting.  I co teach with a special ed teacher 3 out of 5 periods.  But yes, it continues to be hard to offer challenges to everyone. 

I have two special things for my more advanced learners upcoming.  One is a field trip to a local arboretum.  I am taking the top tier of each of my five classes, and it will be a refreshing time to have no worries about being embarrassed by their behavior and a chance for them to talk with professionals who are leading our tour about plant cultivation and native species.  The other thing is we are doing a lab on the effects of various pH levels on germination of radish seeds, and I am assignment of doing a detailed lab report to show the findings.  I hope that offers challenge.  The kids who are less capable...well, we will have to scaffold the directions or maybe only grade parts of the report.

Otherwise, my district is still failing and refusing to meet with our teacher union to address budgets.  We have threatened to strike.  If we do, I hope it doesn't interfere with my field trip for high achievers.  Fingers crossed.

I am suffering from compassion fatigue.  I have been emailing with my former therapist.  She's an absolutely a lovely person and reminds me that my little efforts and the love I extend do matter, that research shows that it only takes one person to make a life saving difference to someone.  Planting seeds, in the garden and in the classroom.

Quotemy little efforts and the love I extend do matter, that research shows that it only takes one person to make a life saving difference to someone.

Yes, your efforts matter. My 4th grade teacher made a big impact on me, I remember her still. Hang in there!

I feel ya darling!
It's like the starfish analogy though... a man was walking on the beach and there were hundreds of starfish there.  They had all washed up on shore.  I watched him as he picked them up 1 by 1 throwing them back in the water. I went over to him and said there are so many starfish you can't possivly make a difference.  The man picked up another and threw it in. He said, maybe not, but I'm making a difference for that starfish.

Much love to ya sweetie. I've really missed you but feel myself coming back.  :hug:

You are planting seeds of compassion, learning, understanding, and care in your students. A tiny seed can grow into something big.

Ah, thanks my buddies! 

3Roses- it's nice that you remember your 4th grade teacher.  I had some good ones also, and you just never know who will benefit from your kindnesses.  Thanks for the reminder.

Blue-
The starfish story is very apt. Funny thing, I was in the garden yesterday watching some of my floundering starfish and I was telling one who isn't floundering how I worry for them.  He said, "I feel that way too."  He said he tries to make a difference to others and hopes it works.  Very sweet.  15 years old going on 40, that one.

Quote from: Jdog on March 23, 2019, 03:08:03 PM

my little efforts and the love I extend do matter, that research shows that it only takes one person to make a life saving difference to someone.  Planting seeds, in the garden and in the classroom.

I agree, those efforts really do matter. 

Hope  :)

 :hug: to you Hope.  Thanks!

Thanks, BeHea1thy.  I will try to imagine those  threads, indeed. 

I am touched by the amount of thought you put into the response to my post.  I am humbled by the way in which you wrap me in care from across the country and across cyberspace. 

Thank you very much.

I read something that indicated that spammers were continuing to assault our site here, and perhaps that explains why it is so difficult to access the site lately.  Whatever the reason, it is a source of frustration for me.

I have had some interesting healing experiences lately.  One I may have already related - not sure - but it had to do with overcoming negative feelings when been criticized over some mistakes I made at work.  I owned the mistakes, made apologies, and things were ok.  More recently, I ran into some rough sailing in communicating with a co worker, someone I work very closely with and whom I feel as connected to as one would a sibling.  I don't have siblings, but I imagine this is the feeling I would have if I were to have one.  Anyways, I once again felt attacked and critisized and apologized for my misstep.  This was not in person, although there had been an earlier communication issue that was in person.  But yesterday, I chose to just give the individual some space and not give in to my feelings of wanting to control the situation.  She is, after all, allowed to be frustrated with me, to make her own mistakes, and to get angry as well.  So, things blew over in a few hours and we ended up sending sweet words to one another. 

On another front, my union is preparing a one day strike next Thursday.  The school district has not honored the terms of the contract they signed with us 18 months ago, and has repeatedly failed to meet with our leaders and/or come to any meaningful settlement of grievances.  The entire district is going broke due to mismanagement at the top, but we offered to give ground over the cost of our health benefits several times in exchange for things that would benefit students.  Historically, the district takes any savings and gobbles them up by hiring even more administrators who have little impact upon what happens in the classroom.  Talk about your gaseous bloat.....

The best thing that happened last week was getting to take 20 of my best kids to the arboretum at a local university.  They had a formal tour and then had time to walk around other areas on their own.  They were marvelously playful with one another - high school kids still have their child like sense of wonder and play fully in tact- and since they didn't all know one another before coming on the trip, they made new friends.  It was very gratifying to get to provide the opportunity to them.  Who knows, a few may choose to attend this excellent college in the near future.

I feel you Jdog,
One of my coworkers, who has become like a sister to me these last 3 years has been riffed. I'm going to miss her so much.

They riffed 3 social studies, 2 math, 1 science, several fine arts and 1 English. It's a mess here.  Why can't we pass a levy??????  :pissed:

Quote from: Jdog on April 06, 2019, 01:02:19 PM

I have had some interesting healing experiences lately.

Hi Jdog,

This is good to hear, and I'm glad you enjoyed the trip to the Arboretum with your students.  Sounds like fun.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Our one day strike has come and gone, there is some strong support for our cause being voiced by other unions and by some parents and teachers, and we continue to be vilified in the local newspaper.  Today's OpEd reached a new low in which we were called racists and entitled.  It is very tiring to endure assaults when what we are asking is that a legally signed contract be enforced and supports given to students.  Lower class sizes, more nurses and more mental health, as agreed upon 18 months ago.

It is finally Spring Break, a very good thing.  I have a new semi recumbent bike and my wife has a new fully recumbent bike.  We took our maiden ride together yesterday, going almost 20 miles.  So fun!!  This is going to allow me to keep running some without ruining my body.  I can run a couple of miles these days without putting myself back in "the boot."  Biking some every week will mean rest days from pounding my feet on the trail or the treadmill.  And the fact that my new bike has a seat with a back and positions my body so that I don't have to lean over handlebars is so much easier on the body.  The main thing is that my tailbone doesn't ache afterwords, as the seat is large and padded. 

Sigh.  I don't know when I will be able to retire from my stressful occupation.  Having nice pastimes does help lower my stress.  I am even picking up my violin a little and thinking of getting together with a friend to make music.  My arthritis makes it not as fluid as when I was younger, but it is still a good creative outlet. 

Hi Jdog,
That one day strike sounds tough - and I'm glad that your Spring Break is here.  Glad to hear you had some fun riding your recumbent bike - and it's good that you are able to pace your running.  You deserve lots of nice pastimes - to lower your stress.  I hope you enjoy playing your violin with your friend, if the two of you get together to do that. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope!

BH-

It seems to me that nearly everything is misconstrued or reimagined as someone's platform for their own sacred cow these days.  Kind of like the old saying that when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  And when the school district "suddenly" developed a 35 million dollar "hole" in the budget, they turned to that as the reason not to enforce the contract they had signed one year before the hole was discovered.  Now, we have successfully gotten the state to agree to a forensic audit of the district finances, so far will be flying.  Where DID the money go?  And because racial politics are so heated in my town, that gets piled like the cherry on top of the sundae. 

I wrote a letter to the editor of our paper on this topic.  I don't know whether it will be published.  But I feel better having written my thoughts down and making what I think I should a logical and cool headed appeal for the disturbing accusations against the teacher's union to be stopped.

Yes, the bikes are great.  Mine is a semi recumbent and hers is a full on recumbent.  We love them!!!!

QuoteI wrote a letter to the editor of our paper on this topic.  I don't know whether it will be published.  But I feel better having written my thoughts down and making what I think I should a logical and cool headed appeal for the disturbing accusations against the teacher's union to be stopped.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Hi Jdog,
I hope they publish your letter.  Well done for writing it.   :cheer: 
Hope  :)

Thanks.  I don't think my letter to the newspaper editor is going to be published, as writers making some similar points have already been published.  But that's ok, it's the good fight that counts and I do feel results will be forthcoming. 

I'm spending Easter at a baseball park, feeling slightly sad not to have family other than my spouse anywhere nearby, but aware of my many blessings at the same time.

Hi Jdog,
I hope that you enjoy your time at the Baseball park - Easter has mixed feelings for me too - sending you a hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:  sending a hug back to you, Hope!!

 :hug:

 :bighug:  I just wanted to send you a hug today. 

I had one of those days that only a fellow educator would get... my administrators (in all their infinite wisdom) ran a tornado drill, fire drill and a lockdown drill today! 3 drills in 1 day!?!?!? Are you kidding me?  What crazy brownies are they eating?

Anywho just wanted to send u some love

 :cheer:Haha-

My admins have done the 3 drills in one day (one class period) and yes, it reminds me of special magic brownie eating as well!  They forget to do the drills until the very end of the year and then it's OOPS!  Must do drills!  SO I get it, yes!

Thanks for the love, dear, and for thinking of your California colleague, your nerd of a feather. 

Sending it back to you, Blue!

Mmmmmm crazy brownies! :rofl:

Haha 3Roses!  It takes me back to my misspent young adulthood......glad that's over and done now!

I have a lot to post but am way too exhausted to do so now.  It's mostly good stuff, but hard won nonetheless.  Will jump on later or maybe tomorrow to seek support from y'all.

My spouse apparently has been triggered by something today and retrigerred by my accidentally speaking to her from another room, not once but twice.  Sigh.  This comes on the heels of my own highly emotional 24 hours.  So, my boundaries may be wonky right now.

I guess I could use TLC on that account at the moment....

Here's some TLC for you! ♥️👩‍❤️‍👩💕💞💖💝💜❤️

 :hug: May you find the peace and hang out in a positive vibe soon.  :hug:

Ah, thanks you two.  Working on it!

Wow, I just finished reading my first journal post which was 4 years ago.  Some things have changed, others have not.  My somatic symptoms are much less now than they were then.  My bouts of depression are fewer and last a little less long.  My partner is still fragile but I am able to withstand her triggers better - I still get triggered by her triggers but no longer feel like the world is ending.  I am having to learn how to sit with difficult emotions and be aware that yes, they will pass.

Speaking of difficult emotions, this week brought on a rather large trigger when one of my students leveled false accusations against me.  He is difficult, non compliant, and mean.  He constantly defies any and all rules, especially having to do with his cell phone.  This week, he tried three times to charge his phone in my room and the third time, I reached to unplug it and he  grabbed it, and me.  He then proceeded to take a picture of me with my co teacher at a moment when we were pretending to take a selfie as a joke.  I was flashing a "peace" sign, but his blurry picture made it seem like I was "flipping the bird" and he told his Mom I was flipping the class off and filming the students.  Whew.  I'm the last person who would ever do either of those things.  She believed him - tried to use it as a deflection from her son's obvious distinctions - and tried to get the administration to attack ME and wants her kid out of the class. 

Fortunately, I had not only my co teacher but another adult in the room at the time and both backed my version of the story (aka the truth).  I work for reasonable people, and the decision has been to ignore the Mom (a non parent if ever there was one) and just keep sending the son home each t8me he violates a policy and gets sent to the office.  The admin has said he causes problems all day in all classes and is probably mentally ill, thanks to the lack of boundaries set by his non parents. 

So, I lost a night of sleep and went through the whole shame EF thing until coming out the other side.  On top of this, my wife had an unstable day the following day so it's been a hard 2-3 days.  I didn't even hate myself for overeating last night when we went out with friends.  I survived the most difficult week I have had in months.

Hi Jdog,
You have had such a tough week - I am glad you've got through it - and I just wanted to say that I am glad that your colleagues were able to back you, and that you were supported through that difficult scenario. 
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Oh sweetie! I just saw this.  I'm so so sorry. That's a huge trigger for me too. 

Today is teacher appreciation day and I appreciate you! Love ya Jdog

I appreciate you also!  Thanks, Blue.  I'm doing better now,  it took me a few days to allow the shock and anger to dissipate. 

I'm glad it is dissipating.  It's hard sometimes.  There are so many wonderful great students I have on a daily basis... and yet one, with a bad attitude or one that is out to hurt others can make us have so many sleepless nights.  Don't let the 1 bad dismiss all the good you do. :hug:  love ya and am sitting with you on this dearie

Oh, I most certainly haven't and won't allow one miscreant to color my attitude toward all students.  I, too, have so many nice kids whom I look forward to seeing every day.  We have a great back and forth relationship which involves playfulness as well as more studious and structured aspects.

I am off today and tomorrow as my wife is having sinus surgery.  It will be painful in the short term but long term a very good thing, we hope.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery!
:heythere:

I wish your wife all the best with the surgery and speedy recovery   :)

We both thank you so very much! :hug:

Best wishes for a quick recovery!

Thanks sweetie!

Hi Jdog,
I hope your wife's surgery has gone well and that she is having a comfortable recuperation, and I hope you are both ok.   :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you so much, Hope.  She is recuperating, although in quite a bit of pain.  Not unusual for this type of surgery.  We are both doing ok. 

My Mother passed away 7 years ago today, and this anniversary feels different from the others.  I have spent time this past year considering that her choices made my life painful at times.  For sure, she was a caring and loving Mother whose skills have allowed me to be a caring and loving person myself.  But the other aspects, concerned with her own unresolved trauma which drove her to "fix" a terrible man late in life made my life and the lives of her other family members so very difficult.  He was so awful that we had to take her out of the home the two of them shared so that she would not die of malnutrition and neglect after her strokes.

I don't want to make a laundry list of the horrors we all went through over the eight years her poor body continued functioning, but suffice to say that it was very bad and would have destroyed a lesser person than my wife, who was a trooper with her interventions and support.  Instead, we are strong today and working on ourselves and our relationship. 

In the end, I am grateful for the gifts my mother passed on to me. It is a cruel irony that she died the day before Mother's Day.  I have never wrapped my mind around that one, never understood the symbolism fully.  She was not a person who wanted to cause others pain or worry, yet those very traits made her the poster child for pain and worry.  Maybe that is the lesson.

Quote from: Three Roses on March 23, 2019, 04:04:45 PM

Quotemy little efforts and the love I extend do matter, that research shows that it only takes one person to make a life saving difference to someone.

Yes, your efforts matter. My 4th grade teacher made a big impact on me, I remember her still. Hang in there!

Hi Jdog,

I was actually looking for something else I wanted to respond to in your posts and came across this! I totally agree with you and 3R here. I recently had contact with a teacher of mine from decades ago and mentioned how much I appreciate her and 2 other teachers asking my M if there was something wrong (with me)? Were they giving too much homework? I looked totally exhausted, "washed out" in fact. M mentioned this to me at the time, sort of querying. This was a big deal - in a pretty small school, 3 teachers who my M respected pointed out that something seemed to be wrong. Nothing changed really at home of course but at least M had bothered to ask. I perked up a bit after that, and I've never forgotten it.

Thank you for sharing that, Blueberry, it means the world to me.  I am not at all sure that I have ever fulfilled that particular role for a student but I do try and encourage them the best I can.  Maybe my central gif to them is just being "real", at the same time as having good boundaries.  That teaches them how  safe in their other relationships (one hopes) and helps them know that they can be themselves (which ever self that may be at the moment, lol). 

So anyways, thanks a bunch.  I'm sorry nothing really changed for you at home once the three teachers expressed concern for your wellbeing.  But at least you perked up some.  That's kind of a big deal, I think! :hug:

QuoteI am not at all sure that I have ever fulfilled that particular role for a student but I do try and encourage them the best I can.

I'm quite certain my 4th grade teacher never realized what an impact she had on me, since I only recognized her influence much after the fact. Just fyi.  :hug:

That's sweet, 3Roses. 

Jdog,
I am quite certain you have filled that role before. You probably just don't recognize it.  To you, it's just a Thursday...  :hug: love ya darling

Deep Blue to Jdog: "I am quite certain you have filled that role before. You probably just don't recognize it."

             :yeahthat:

I know that's happened a lot in my life as a 'teacher without a classroom' -- as an actor I presented unique historical skits in schools and other educational venues for many years. So many times I heard after the fact of how what was said or taught touched someone where and when they needed it. I often had no idea how often this happened; it's still hard to let it sink in, but when I dare to, I find it encouraging even if I didn't realize it at the time. Self-compassion and self-realization is so hard sometimes when one has learned so much of the negatives per self-image.

             :hug:

Deep Blue and Woodsgnome-

You are both such sensitive, affirming people.  My life is richer for having you part of it!  Thanks for the kindness you have shown me.... :grouphug:

Thank you, dear BeHea1thy.  Your kind words always soothe me and make me want to be my best self.  I hope you are continuing to prosper as well. :hug:

I enjoy this virtual classroom very much.  Your appreciation is a beautiful aspect of your own kind self, BH.  I have had an especially roller coasteresque week, and your validation is so wonderful to me right now. 

I had an experience today wherein I needed to get my principal to acknowledge that she needs to be more cautious about allowing certain kinds of parents to observe in classrooms and I put her on the defensive and she bit back for awhile until landing back in a more positive spot.  It made me realize that, much as I like her, she has little experience with either being discriminated against or being falsely accused of something.  I am ok, but sometimes standing up for myself is just as frustrating and difficult today as it was when I was a kid.

Anyway, thanks so very much,  all the validations you and others have sent means the world to me.

Quote from: Jdog on May 14, 2019, 02:22:29 AM
I am not at all sure that I have ever fulfilled that particular role for a student but I do try and encourage them the best I can.  Maybe my central gif to them is just being "real", at the same time as having good boundaries.  That teaches them how  safe in their other relationships (one hopes) and helps them know that they can be themselves (which ever self that may be at the moment, lol). 

I'm pretty sure it doesn't have to be that particular role to be meaningful! In fact encouraging the students themselves might make more of an impact in some ways. Also like 3R said about same quote, I'm sure my teachers had no idea the effect their talks with M had on me, especially the long-lasting effect.

Hey Jdog,
I have 4 days of exams and then a teacher workday on Friday and then I'm finished.  Yay!

I still have no clue what I'm teaching next year yet though. It drives me crazy to not know till the last day of school.  Grrrr

I'm also still waiting to see if I will have to do some coursework of my own this summer.  Much love! Jdog  :hug:

Blue-

Glad you are so near the end!  Congrats!  Things will become clear very soon, my friend.  And if you end up needing extra coursework, I know you will go about it with grace. 

18 days more for me.  A bright spot is that the second one day strike planned for this coming week has been called off.  The district is finally "discovering" that they must obey the law and uphold our contract....with a lot of pressure from outside forces, a forensic audit by the state, and clobbering over the head by the State Superintendent.  Honestly, you could not make this stuff up.  I am thinking of writing a Lifetime Movie script about the lies and intrigue.  Maybe I can fund part of my retirement this way.....

Love ya.

Wow - I had a gift yesterday in the form of a snail mail letter from my father's youngest sister.  In the letter, she said that she loves me and is proud of me, misses both of my parents (they have both died) and letting me know she is basically doing fine for her age.  I think she is 81.  It was nice to get this, as I certainly feel like a Motherless Child, without siblings at all and with no close family anywhere within 1,000 miles from my current home.  I will snail mail back.

I am appreciating the fragility of this life of ours, the importance of connections, and the overall value of seeking the good in all nooks and crannies.  It is easy for me to become depressed, overwhelmed, defeatist.  But every day allows me a choice to respond in a more uplifted manner.  I must make that choice, as everything depends upon it.  I had a nice day at work yesterday, very busy day, and it left me feeling good.  As I left the final meeting of the day, I had to walk across the school cafeteria.  And my students who were there enjoying their after school snack between studying and other activities called out to me, wanted me to see them, wanted to connect because they like me.  You cannot buy that sweetness, it just exists in the world.  What a blessing.

Thank you for this post, jdog, it was very comforting and encouraging to me.  :hug:

3Roses, I am so glad it was a source of comfort and encouragement.

Quote from: Jdog on May 22, 2019, 11:54:59 AM
And my students who were there enjoying their after school snack between studying and other activities called out to me, wanted me to see them, wanted to connect because they like me.  You cannot buy that sweetness, it just exists in the world.  What a blessing.

:) :)  :hug:

Hi Jdog,
It's so nice that you got that letter - and some lovely things said in it.  Very meaningful and special.   :hug:
I smiled when I read about your students connecting with you because they like you - that is great. 
Hope  :)

Thank you for the encouragement, friends.   Teaching sure has its ups and downs.  The day after I posted the feel-good news, I had difficulty with a slew of boys, one of whom was the so-and-so who had falsely accused me of giving him "the finger" and posted a photo taken from an angle which makes it look that way (my co worker and I were being playful and giving a sideways peace sign and laughing).  Anyways, that boy continues causing problems for others, too, and is now going to a district expulsion hearing since he physically assaulted an adult hall monitor.  The other irritating kids were given detention and will be ok.  I think they got high at lunch and were being dumb and rowdy in class as a result of the marijuana. 

Life is good, however.  My wife and I just returned from attending a couple of professional baseball games out of town as a celebration of her birthday.  We have colds, but will be ok soon one hopes.  I have planned out next week's instruction - and it's a short week due to tomorrow being Memorial Day - and only need to decide on final exams.  I am considering offering a short project as an option for the more advanced students, one in which a person calculates the amount of land required to grow that person's food consumed over the course of a year.  There is a bit of research required, then keeping track of one's foods for a period of time, calculating, and writing a report. I will maybe give the less capable or studious an option to take a multiple choice test covering the major components of nutrition and how the body digests food.  There is a biology book that covers much of that material which they can work from over the course of the week prior to exams. 

What a world we inhabit, friends.  It comes down to the need and responsibility to seek out healing structures, positive people, and certainly the good within ourselves.  I am learning so much at this time.  I have a great deal of gratitude for the healing, the learning and the growth which is yet to come.

Yeah, I am still thinking over whether or not to have students bite off the assignment to do with calculating the land needed to grow their food.  Maybe best to save it for another time.  I am still sick with a cold and need to scale back rather than scale up my workload.  Their work inevitably makes more work for me, longterm!

Thanks for the nice words about my positive outlook.  I struggle to maintain it each day! 

Quote from: Jdog on May 28, 2019, 11:01:50 PM
I am still sick with a cold and need to scale back rather than scale up my workload. 

Amen to that one. Self-care involves getting over our colds before we add more work. I need constant reminders here too - so thanks for reminding me ;)

Quote from: Jdog on May 28, 2019, 11:01:50 PM
Thanks for the nice words about my positive outlook.  I struggle to maintain it each day!

:thumbup:  :applause:  :cheer: for maintaining it each day, especially since it's a struggle. 

Sharks ahead!  Or behind, as it were!  I'd rather have a debate than BE da bait!!!

I'm exhausted, wish I could sleep in today rather than go to work.  But the end of the school year is at hand, so must soldier on.  I want to get back to my more active self, and hope to at least do a light workout at the end of my work day.  It is just one of those mornings when every little thing seems like a big thing.  I am working my way out of an EF, I believe, and I wish it were faster and easier to get out.  Ha.  The only way out is through, I know.

Thanks, BH.  I'm starting to emerge from the primordial muck....

I wrote earlier about the student in my classroom who created havoc not only with me but with others in the school.  He assaulted a custodian and was placed on suspension and slated for a disciplinary hearing.  We had thought he was headed for expulsion.  Not so fast.  The hearing office cancelled the hearing, and even after reviewing the video showing the kid shoving the custodian several times and saying he would "beat his *" for blocking the kid from getting into an off limits area, the hearing officers said it was really all the custodians fault.  The custodian should have never chased after the kid and never put an arm up to block him from proceeding through the closed area.

Sigh.  The other teachers of this kid and I are fed up.  The poor custodian won't press charges, and now none of us truly feels that the district cares about staff safety.  Not a good feeling at all.  Will the kid be attending the same school next year?  Who knows.  But this year truly cannot end soon enough. 

A small victory today.  The errant student will be kept out of my class for sure for the rest of the year (this week and finals).  Our union rep is still working to get more traction with admin at the district level to see whether the kid can be prohibited from attending our school next year.

This is all very triggering and exhausting.   Thank goodness for this site and for the email connection with my therapist.  I can't see her IRL any longer, and haven't been able to see her for 4 years now.  That's how great she is.  4 years of answering my emails above and beyond the call of duty.  Who gets that kind of good service these days?  Amazing.

 :thumbup: for the victory!

:hug: for triggering and exhaustion. I know them well in this general kind of situation.

Thanks so much for the support, Blueberry.  I have slightly more hope that the principal gets the severity of the situation now and is standing up for the cause of staff safety.  Time will tell whether or not anything will actually change overall.

 :hug: to you Jdog.
Hope  :)

Wow, that's a great therapist! Honestly wish my hmo would let their therapists do Skype or Messenger sessions...

Your lucky to have such an awesome therapist.  :hug:

Jdog,
I think you deserve all the kindness your therapist gives you.  Much love sweetie

Yes, my therapist is awesome!  And when I frustrate her she allows herself a human response and then hits the  reset button and rallies once more.  She represents a true resting place in life's storms.  And she is at least 20 years younger than me.  Fascinating.

Thanks for being happy with me, 3 Roses and Deep Blue. 

Tomorrow is the last day my students attend school for this year.  I have still more cleaning to do as well as printing my grade book which contains both grade history for all students along with a record of their assignments,  And to think we used to just have a thin record book with hand written entries at the end of the year.  We didn't have computers in the classroom when I started teaching.  Role was taken on individual forms and collected each class period.  And, of course, no kids addicted to the apps on their phones. 

I'm feeling gluttonous and a bit lethargic, as my eating has been somewhat out of kilter of late. Kind of depressed, too. It's been a * of a year.  Not much of anything solid to hang onto.  But I will find a way to rebalance.  Soon.  Not tonight, though.  But soon.

Hey sweetie,
I have a friend that gets a massage after the school year each year.  She says it kind of helps her to cleanse it and loosen things up.  She said he allows those toxins to leave her body.

Congrats on the end of school honey. Hope you can take some tome to relax this summer and do something just for you. Looking back... you are right! With the strikes, and the difficult students, and your injury... I'd be surprised if you said that it wasn't a tough year. Love ya and I'm here if ya need anything  :hug:

Hey a massage sounds fabulous.  Perhaps I will go for one soon. 

Thanks for your kind words and for paying attention to my year.  I'm so tired....still must drop by school tomorrow to complete the checkout process....

Wow, I am doing so much processing of old trauma and am determined to not only understand how that has been an underlying motivation for my actions but also to learn better ways of self soothing so that I don't continue acting out of old pain.  It is a big challenge, but one whose time has come.  I am alternately exhausted and energized by the process.

You are wonderful  :yes:

Thanks, Blue.  As are you!

Hi Jdog,
Very inspiring that you are undertaking your processing.  I am also finding it an undulating process of different energy zones.    :hug:
Hope  :)

Jdog, your talk of reprocessing intrigues me. It's something I find myself doing, and over the years I have noticed some crumbling of the old edifices ... but ...I'm still not strong enough to get around some of it, then the anger rises, then I turn on myself, etc., ad infinitum.

So I always perk up when I find someone else willing to delve into whatever comes up. If anything, I've discovered that to be open to surprises and actual ... gulp ...change can nudge a couple of those long-locked doors ajar. And the best start is usually from within, so I hope you find yourself tired perhaps, but also wanting so much to feel that warmth and light emerging from what once was so dark.

I ran into a four-word description I liked recently and am trying to incorporate it into my sense of how I want to be; maybe it'll appeal to you as well. It says, simply: Tired Mind. Wild Heart.  :hug:

Woodsgnome-

Tired Mind.  Wild Heart.

That pretty much says it all.  Thanks for being such a great fellow traveller.  This journey is not linear and is not for the weak of spirit.

May your strong spirit continue to guide you!

Jdog, I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your posts and am inspired by the way in which you walk your path.

"Wow, I am doing so much processing of old trauma and am determined to not only understand how that has been an underlying motivation for my actions but also to learn better ways of self soothing so that I don't continue acting out of old pain.  It is a big challenge, but one whose time has come.  I am alternately exhausted and energized by the process."

This really spoke to me. I'm very much in the same place. Feeling for so long that things need to be different and now realizing that I need to start with me. Looking at things differently, ways I can facilitate change in my process, self soothe--with love and support from others, as that has made the difference for me. We're changing the old paradigms, alternately exhausting and invigorating. I do believe there is more, there is light out there and inside as well.

Thanks for such beautiful honesty, strength and for sharing your journey.

Moonbeam-

It does sound like we are very much in the same spot.  The whole "I need to start with me" idea is jam packed full of emotion which comes tumbling out.  Inner child and inner critic vie for attention and one is hurting while the other is demanding to be right.  And sometimes, the whole process can dramatically turn and then reflect that inner and outer light to which you refer.  We say, "aha- there is a diamond in all of this mess after all....and it's part of me."

Thanks for the appreciation.  I like how you are walking your path as well!

As summer break begins in earnest (first week didn't count because there was a great deal of "busyness" around the house and yard which needed doing), I sense how much I resist slowing down since that puts me into contact with my feelings more completely.  And I am working on maintaining my own path and healing journey while also being more aware of my partner's patterns and needs and the ways in which we interact. 

I am finding that gratitude and humility are daily needs for me, and they smooth out some of the rough edges of the past and present.  I am considering the dynamic between my inner and outer children and how they have had a not very productive set of patterns in the past.  It does little good to feel regret over that now, as it is all about doing the best I can given what I know.  What I know today is worlds beyond what I knew even several months ago.  I get to choose better ways now, and need only to thank my "selves" for doing their best to protect me in all circumstances. 

My heart is hurting over mistreatment of children at the U.S. border with Mexico.  We are treating them in a sub human fashion, and the scars they bear will last a lifetime.  Our society will have to deal with these hurt humans in ways we cannot imagine.  I am sad, embarrassed, and so angry. 

Back to my reading, and to just trying to be my best self.

 :hug: to you Jdog. 
Hope  :)

Back at you, Lady Hope!  :hug:

I love this -

QuoteWe say, "aha- there is a diamond in all of this mess after all....and it's part of me."

Thanks, 3Roses.  I so admire your drive and persistence. 

I am taking myself to my doctor today to have some symptoms checked.  We all know how strong the mind-body connection is and some of the things going on with me may be strongly related to my healing from trauma, but I have questions about some things which are interfering with my ability to process information as well as my persistent tinnitus, low blood pressure, Andy irregular heartbeat.

Hoping for clarity.

I hope you get clarity Jdog! And I also hope that it's good news that's easy to fix. 

I'll join you in hoping for clarity. 💎

Good luck :grouphug:

Thanks, friends

I had a chest X-ray and some blood work done.  I see an audiologist on Tuesday. 

Hey honey,
Good luck at the audiologist. 

I had a huge vertigo bout yesterday. I think it was the fluid build up cuz I'm getting a cold and a high pitch of a vacuum cleaner. It just knocked me on my bottom for a few minutes.  The tinnitus just wouldn't stop! Anyway I feel ya Jdog

Love and hugs to you  :hug:

Thanks, DB.  Sorry your vertigo got the better of you.  Tinnitus just sucks.  Mine has been getting worse, and I have lived with it for over 4 years now.  Hoping for some help understanding the origins, as my efforts at adjusting to the noise have not produced results.  If the audiologist doesn't have any suggestions, my doctor says she will do either an MRI or CT scan.

Mine has calmed down since going to a chiropractor... sounds strange but it really is helping.

Maybe a chiropractor would help me, too.

All my bloodwork is finished and all levels seem fine.  The chest X-ray did not reveal anything interesting, but I have been continuing to wheeze and have breathing problems off and on so the doc prescribed a course of prednisone as well as an inhaler until this clears up. 

Hearing test tomorrow.  Whee.

Glad things are coming back positive.  Sorry there are no answers though.

Hi Jdog,
I hope the hearing test is helpful tomorrow.  I think it's good that you're getting yourself checked out and I hope that you'll get to the bottom of things, once all the tests are undertaken.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hearing test only showed that there is no problem with my hearing.  Tonight, I am scheduled for an MRI of the brain.  We shall see what the old grey matter does or does not contain!!

Aw man,
I find not getting answers really frustrating.

How is your chest? Are you still wheezing?

:hug: sending you hugs filled with love and support  :hug:

Thinking of you Jdog and how courageous you are, showing up for you, following through on looking for insight into your physical well-being as well as emotional. They are so connected. Best of luck and I hope the inhaler and meds help you feel better.

Yes, the wheeze is still present, but I am able to run anyways.  I will consult with my doctor soon as the course of prednisone did not alter my oxygen saturation levels, at least not yet. 

I feel pleased that my health care providers are paying attention.  Thanks for the support!

Be careful that's scary stuff that they haven't figured out what's going on yet. Good luck. :grouphug:

Thank you, Tee.  The MRI wasn't as bad as I had feared, only lasted 15 minutes. 

That's good I hope they figure out what's going on.

Hi Jdog,
I'm glad you got through your MRI ok, and that you weren't in it for too long.  I hope you get the results soon, so you can know what they are.  Fingers crossed for you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks so much!

It's always great to hear your cheery voice here, BeHea1thy.  I am unbelievably grateful for access to medical care.  The antibiotics prescribed by my primary care doc once the MRI revealed a massive sinus issue are starting to help my level of blood oxygen saturation return to a more normal level.  That makes life much more enjoyable!!

Thanks again for checking in.

 :cheer: glad they are helping! :hug:

Sinus issue huh? What did they say to do about it?

Blue-I've just finished a course of antibiotics and am doing the sinus rinse thing with salt and with a Flonase chaser.  I guess I'm better. 

Thanks for the cheery well wishes, Tee!!

I'm now needing to work on some addiction/anxiety issues of long standing.  Going to my first 12 step meeting in a few minutes.  It's 12 Step done Buddhist style, so not as deistic.  I am hoping to get something helpful here.  I also downloaded and began reading "Recovery Refuge" by Noah Levine.  More other meetings to follow if this one helps.

 :hug: good luck jdog

Love ya Jdog!
Hope you find something helpful in your book.

I use those nasal rinse things too.  Every once in awhile my mouth will taste like cigarettes (I don't smoke).  Anyway it usually means something is wonky with my sinuses.  The nasal rinse seems to help with that too.

Take care you!  :hug:

Thanks, friends.  The 12 Step meeting was fantastic.  Everyone was welcoming and I felt ok about having attended.  It's nice to be able to own mistakes out loud.  I am working on what is called a Truth Inventory.  Boy is it exhaustive and draining to complete.  But it's what I need to do in order to be really who I am.

Lots of hard work to do.

👏👏👏 :hug:

Support for your progress on this road.

:hug:

Thanks so much, friends.  My GP prescribed a low dosage SSRI to reduce anxiety.  Boy, I had a couple of massive panic attacks this week (and it's still early in the week!).  It causes communication problems with my wife, misunderstandings, and tremendous shame on my part as I tend to do stuff like forget to close and lock doors when I have these.  Today's was brought about after she criticized me for forgetting not to bang doors which abut her home office...I wasn't aware that I had done so, and she could not understand why I even had to use those particular doors knowing that the noise reverberates and startles her.  I need to remember to go the long way around through our slider doors and back into the garage in such a way that doesn't involve banging doors near her office.  I am writing it here in hopes of remembering to stop and think before just doing habitual things.  Thus I might not get triggered into panic attacks which take hours to subside.

We had big blowup a couple of days ago because I accidentally barged through her office on my way to the garage (there's actually a door from her office into the garage....I wish it could just be an exercise room instead if an office but we don't have that many rooms).  She was so upset that I volunteered to sleep on the futon couch and am still doing that.  Things will come back to normal in a few days, I think.  We are actually planning a trip out if town Friday through Sunday and will be sharing a bed in a hotel.  That should get things back to sort of normal. 

When two people with cptsd and triggers out the kazoo get married, this is what you get, folks.  Love is interesting. 

Aw Jdog,
That's good about the ssri. Mine is not a low dose, I found it took about 6 weeks to have much of an effect.

Sorry to hear about the disagreement with your wife.  I think the fact that you wrote it in here to try to make a concrete change that will benefit her is sweet and loving.

Hope you feel better soon honey  :hug:

 :hug: hugs at least you both are trying. :hug:

Deep Blue:

Thanks for the kind words, friend.  Yes, it may take a few weeks to notice a difference and I will work with my doc to see if we have the correct dosage.  Given how awful things are in America now, it would not surprise me if half of us need an SSRI!!

Tee/

Thanks.  I do truly believe that my own recovery, which will be ongoing, will substantially help me in staying grounded.  That, in turn, will be all I can do or maybe need to do to keep my relationship afloat.

Whew- school starts up again in three days.  I volunteered to help kids get schedules when they came for orientation in the early evening.  It was over 100 degrees and I and a few others were completely soaked in sweat as we were in the direct sun for over an hour.  The experience was good, even still.  But I can tell I am already stressed as I left something in my room which is of value and I am going to feel better when I can retrieve it tomorrow. 

The many, many details needed to be attended to in my job are a source of frustration.  I am doing better with getting myself to slow down and focus - baby steps - and yet the overwhelm that creeps in when I realize that my classes are all over the limit is hard.  The district has about 15 or 20 school days to make things right, but by then we are fully in the swing of things and it feels like so much jostling.  I would do well to include more meditation in my routine just about now. 

Thank goodness for antidepressants.  There are only a couple of side effects so far, but worth it.  I don't even react to my tinnitus as I once did.  That alone is worth the price of admission. 

Oh, gosh.  I will try to remain positive.  Arriving at the end of my career is odd.  Two more years, fingers crossed.  Trying to stay physically fit and getting more emotionally stable.  That is the great hope.  And not having to be perfect or please everyone.  Being ok with difficult emotions.  Letting them just pass through me. 

Hi Jdog,
Wishing you the best for when school starts up again.  Glad you're doing better with getting yourself to slow down and focus - although it sounds very challenging with your class sizes etc.  It's good to hear you're coping better with your tinnitus.  I experience tinnitus as well - it's in my left ear.  Not all the time, just intermittently.  I'm glad to hear you are coping and not reacting as you once did to it.
Sending you a gentle but heartfelt hug of support, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hope-

Thank you for the well wishes.  I certainly appreciate you also and graciously accept your hug! Here's one back at you :hug:

 :hug:

My school year began last Thursday, and the first two days were fun and exhausting.  I am feeling grateful that my SSRIs have kicked in, as a sense of calm is such a boon at this time.  I have a sprained knee at the moment, brought on while I was standing for hours painting our backyard pergola a week ago and exacerbated when I decided to exercise every day of last week.  So, I am icing and have a no-exercise regiment for a while.  :(

But the calmness remains, and it is responsible for an improved home life at the moment.  My wife struggles so much with physical and mental illness, and if I can be a sea of calm, all the better.  I think I finally get just how much she struggles, none of which takes away from her inherent goodness and intelligence.  She is one of the smartest, most caring people I have ever known. 

So here's to continued healing, in all its aspects.

Glad you found some calm. I'm sure it will be a great help for your wife. Hopefully your knee heals quickly and you can get back to your exercise. Take care! :)

Thanks so much Jazzy!

Hi Jdog,
Glad to hear that your SSRIs have kicked in, and that you have a sense of calm.  Sorry to hear about your sprained knee though, and hope that improves soon.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)