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Symptoms => General Discussion => Topic started by: Indigochild on May 10, 2015, 03:44:56 PM

Title: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 10, 2015, 03:44:56 PM
Hi, its Indigo child again.
Every time i think of posting a new topic, I wonder if i have posted too many topics on here, and weather that is annoying to others. I wonder if people just think that my questions are stupid..or pointless...and i wonder if I should only post if it is a really important burning question i have to ask.
Im not sure if this is normal and its paranoia setting in, but i hope my messages are ok.  :blink:
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Birthdays...Does anybody else hate their birthday?

I find my birthdays depressing, because I feel so embarrassed at the idea of having a party, or asking people if they would like to celebrate my birthday with me (no matter what I'm doing to celebrate).
I don't like any sort of attention on me and just want to crawl into a whole and die.
I feel so undeserving of positive birthday attention, and worry that people would not really want to be there celebrating with me but they just do it as they might feel bad if they didnt.
I feel guilty being given gifts.

For as long as i remember, i havent celebrated my birthday, and i have never celebrated it the way most of the people i know have, with huge parties and all their family around.
Going to anything like that of other peoples majorly triggers me.

During my boyfriends birthday, I knew i would feel bad (didnt know if it was called bing triggered (before i found out about ptsd) so i drank all day to get through it and at another friends birthday, i felt tears brimming behind my eyes and i had such intense anger all day, and his parents were so supportive and they even played the album he had made to everyone.
My parents have never been so supportive.
I know my mum is very ashamed that she brought me into this world with a visual impairment, and perhaps this is partly why.

I just feel so sad.
Can anyone relate?
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: keepfighting on May 10, 2015, 05:33:38 PM
Hi, Indigo,

another one who hates her own birthday. For many of the same reasons you have given (though I'n not triggered by other people's birthdays, only my own).

I usually feel myself wishing it was anybody's birthday but my own - I like other people's birthday parties, big or small. Just nothing where the spotlights are on me - it makes me extremely uneasy. (In the past, I used to wish I could just crawl under a stone for the day till it's over so I guess it's an improvement of sorts already  :bigwink:).

Do you have a birthday coming up or just had one?

But you know, there  are many people I know who don't celebrate their birthdays with huge parties of family and friends. My t made me start celebrating my birthdays, but in a way that feels nice and safe to me. I had three since then: One a short break with my FOC, next a small party of friends and we met at a nice place where we shared some activities and a picnic; this year a girl's day out with two other 'girls'. Nothing major, nothing like in the movies, something that suits my needs. I still feel uneasy about it, but I'm trying...

I know my mum is very ashamed that she brought me into this world with a visual impairment, and perhaps this is partly why.

 :bighug:

This is so sad and so wrong. How does this make it less of a reason to celebrate your being here?  :hug:
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: bee on May 10, 2015, 09:05:25 PM
I hate my birthday.

It is on a major holiday. My M told me; when I was young and worried that no one would come to my party; that of course they would, their parents would jump at the chance of getting rid of their children with free child care, so the parents could go out and celebrate. Gee M that helped...not. Now I don't feel like the day is mine, I do not matter compared to a holiday.

I also don't like being the center of attention. I feel like I'm weird for not wanting a party, and weird for not being able to have one if I did, because I don't have friends. So yeah, depressing.

I'm sorry you feel this way though.
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Rrecovery on May 10, 2015, 11:58:54 PM
I dread my birthdays and feel so relieved when they are over. For many years I was suicidal on my birthday; but it's been a few years since that's been the case.  For me it brings up a lifetime of having a family that wasn't there for me.  Some years none of them acknowledged it at all.  WTF?!  Finally I told them, "if you don't acknowledge my birthday I won't be acknowledging yours."  Then I followed through with it.  And they were so surprised and dismayed  :stars:  Pretty soon they were busting their a**es to remember and acknowledge my birthday  ;)  But WTF?!  In the past I'd get triggered when someone's family really celebrated their birthday; I'd nosedive into a deep depression (which would totally catch me off guard) and take a week to come out of it.  It just triggered despair around having such a neglectful family.  They have improved as the years have gone by, which I'm grateful for.  But every year there is the fear of whether they'll remember, and whether I'll feel depressed/despair or not.

Thanks for the thread.  Feels good to share about this  :hug:
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 11, 2015, 08:26:04 AM
Hi Recovery

I am *so* glad that it feels good to share about this. Hearing that makes me so glad i made this thread!
I am sorry that your family have been so neglectful. Its just awful and extremely sad.  You do not deserve that and you deserves to celebrate being alive and living for however long you have been on this world.
I understand why you would feel suicidal on your birthdays and I'm sorry that you felt that way.

And you go girl!! Perhaps they never realised what they were doing.
*Finally I told them, "if you don't acknowledge my birthday I won't be acknowledging yours."  Then I followed through with it.  And they were so surprised and dismayed  :stars:  Pretty soon they were busting their a**es to remember and acknowledge my birthday  ;)*

I dread them too and feel relief every time when they are over and usually completely forget about it the next day. This year i am still quite sad but think i may be in a flashback.

(My parents were not completely neglectful of my *birthdays*, just never made as much of a deal about it like i see other families doing and since i have left home, they seem even less bothered.
I think it just brings up a lot of feelings of feeling unimportant, ashamed, worthless and neglected, like known else would care about my birthday. I have been suicidal too on my birthdays but this birthday, did not act upon it. Im not sure what I'm flashing back to, but
the same feelings come up of wishing i was dead.)

I hope that soon, you can start to feel better about your birthdays, and that your family get their act together!!

 :hug:
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 11, 2015, 08:43:32 AM
Hi, Voicelessagony2

I am sorry that you also hate your own birthday!
Whilst making this thread provides comfort in that I'm not alone or weird...it makes me so sad.

Reading what youve written:
*I usually feel myself wishing it was anybody's birthday but my own - I like other people's birthday parties, big or small. Just nothing where the spotlights are on me - it makes me extremely uneasy. (In the past, I used to wish I could just crawl under a stone for the day till it's over so I guess it's an improvement of sorts already  :big wink:)*
-i think youve helped me figure out that perhaps part of the reason i hate and dread my birthdays may be because my mum used to say, (and the memories are not there fully) but she used to say something like...at this rate ill be cancelling christmas, if you don't....whatever...you wont be having a birthday etc etc.

My birthday was yesterday.
You are right about not having huge parties. I feel guilty even doing something small and stating what i would like...such as where to go for a meal.

I am glad you have started celebrating your birthdays and i hope it gets easier for you to do that in time.

I meant that perhaps me not being the perfect daughter my mum wanted is partly the reason she has never been so proud, or given me a birthday party, or played the songs i have recorded to anyone else.

Thats not a reason not to celebrate, i just feel so much shame.
Thanks so much for being so lovely  :hug:


Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 11, 2015, 08:47:56 AM
Bee, I'm sorry that you too hate your birthday and that it is also on a major holiday!

That is a horrible, insensitive, neglectful thing that your mum said to you. That must of made you feel very unimportant for one.

I understand. Its like a double bind in your own mind. you kind of hope that know one will discover your feelings about your birthday, whilst at the same time, feel awful for having a party.

Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Widdiful Falling on May 11, 2015, 12:05:05 PM
I'm sorry you guys have to go through that. You all deserve so much better. Not everyone is the partying type, but it feels good to celebrate being around for another year.

I have never really had a big party, but I try to do one nice thing just for myself on my birthday. It's my one selfish act that I don't feel bad about afterward. I do feel weird about being given gifts. Especially if I haven't gotten anything for the gift-giver. I feel like it's just one more thing they can hold over my head, and I'm tired of keeping track of that stuff.

Happy belated birthday, indigochild, and congratulations on making it another year!  :yourock: It's hard, this living thing we're doing, and there are a lot of struggles, but it will be worth it in the end if you can say you've done one act of kindness. From your responses, you seem like a very empathetic, kind person, so I'm sure you help people all the time, even if you don't realize it.  :hug:

Recovery, that boundary you set sounds like a good one. You deserve to be shown kindness and respect. Congratulations on that. And happy belated birthday to you, too. I have no idea when it is, but I'm glad you made it another year.  :hug:

Bee, what a terrible thing to say to a child. Your M just invalidated any sort of self-esteem or friendship you held. That's an earth-shattering thing to say to a child. I can see how it would destroy your sense of trust, and instill a healthy dose of paranoia to boot. Happy belated birthday to you as well. It being on a holiday sounds to me like reason to celebrate more, not less. :hug:

Thank you all for being here, guys. It's really fantastic having you around.  :yourock:

A random idea: if you guys feel bad doing something purely for yourself, why don't you volunteer at an interesting place that you like? You will be helping others and doing something nice for yourself at the same time.
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Rrecovery on May 11, 2015, 04:48:47 PM
Indigochild , thank you for your understanding, compassion and encouragement.  And Happy Birthday to you!   :party:

Widdiful Falling thank you!  Happy Birthday to you too   :cake: :phoot:

Perhaps we should start a "It's my Birthday" thread, we are a special kind of family here  :hug:
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Widdiful Falling on May 11, 2015, 05:35:59 PM
Indigochild , thank you for your understanding, compassion and encouragement.  And Happy Birthday to you!   :party:

Widdiful Falling thank you!  Happy Birthday to you too   :cake: :phoot:

Perhaps we should start a "It's my Birthday" thread, we are a special kind of family here  :hug:

"It's my birthday" now up and running in the cafe!  ;D
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 11, 2015, 08:55:51 PM
Widdiful Falling, that is a great idea!  ;)
And no worries, any time, thank you for your understanding!!!  ;)
Thank you very much for the happy birthday.
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 11, 2015, 09:05:53 PM
ps. I'm so glad that you do something nice for yourself on your birthday. It is the one day where we should do something for ourselves with no guilt attached....even though idealy, that would be most days.
Its sucks feeling like you have to keep score with the presence. Its not enough for me to rationalise it and say..oh well, its their choice to get me something, i don't have to repay them.

 :yourock: too Widdifull! You seem like a lovely person. Thank you for your really nice words. Right back at you!
I do to believe it will all be worth it if we can make something amazing come out of it in the end. The knowledge and understanding that others don't normally acquire as well as hopefully self acceptance will definatley be something. 

Volunteering is something i already do. I find it hard applying for new opportunities but may apply for something else when i am in a better place. Its a great way to feel good about yourself whilst helping others at the same time.
Thanks for the suggestion.

And lastly, this is such a great forum, with what seems, some really nice caring people on it. i am glad to be a part of such a place  :hug:
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: littlepalm on May 11, 2015, 09:35:50 PM
 :party: :cake: :bighug:

Happy Birthday to all of Us! :thumbup:

i hate my birthday as well. It triggers my trauma of my father dying which started me being an *orphan* as my mom did not care about me.My trauma is the neglect & abuse from my mother. In fact I dislike the entire month.

The only reason I had parties was so my mother could save face w/her FOO. They were not about me.

Terrific thread! :hug: :applause:
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on May 24, 2015, 08:20:05 PM
**possible trigger **

I get sad on my birthday - feeling the 'family ' thing
My mother once said to me she wished I'd been aborted -
That seems about one of the top worst things you could say to a child I think-

Anyway I wasn't got rid of and I am here 42 and proud that I've come as far as I have

Turning celebratory times around is something that has taken practice and I don't always get it right but what I do know is both you and I deserve to be loved whatever day it is x
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Jdog on May 24, 2015, 11:35:01 PM
I love that this thread exists.  I don't dread my birthday but today is my wife's birthday and she shared that her parents never made her feel special on her birthday.  For a few years after we got together she threw herself huge parties - rafting trips, BBQs, outings to baseball games involving 12 or more people.  Then it started to become a smaller event for her.  Now it's just she and I doing something nice and out-of-the-ordinary together.  We are at a mountain resort this weekend. It is very relaxing. 

I think birthdays rock and whatever people decide to do is just fine.  We deserve love, respect, and recognition up to our capacity to enjoy those things.  Some of us are not ready to do so, and that is ok also.  Some go overboard and then find balance (like my wife).  Whatever fits your needs is just fine, I think.
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Rrecovery on May 25, 2015, 01:14:50 PM
Boatsetsailrose Happy Birthday  :yourock:  I'm glad you're here. 
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: woodsgnome on May 25, 2015, 06:35:18 PM
First, Indigochild...yes, I'm the same as you--wonder if and especially why anyone should care about what I write, etc., that old self-esteem/compassion conundrum. I just don't feel worthy, but one reason I'm here in the first place is to not feel alone, so I plod on and yes, hope I'm not boring others...and yes, this is supposed to be about mutual support, not just info, and certainly not just to not be boring, but I'd better get myself out of this self-revelatory word-ditch and back on track...

Birthdays. Abhor them. Trigger City. Mainly it involves who's pulling the trigger, but for years even the thought of my birthday being a big deal--nah, not me. And I was able to do it, lots of times--but eventually I "allowed" some friends to make it worthy of some attention. Fair enough, I reasoned, and as it never involved FOOs or other trigger-vibes, it was usually okay.

There was one last remnant, though--my sister sent me a card every blasted year...trouble is, she factors big-time in my cptsd story and I'd brace myself for triggers that would blast me from that card, but I'd never respond (she doesn't live close either, which is cool). Nonetheless, every single year it would happen, and even if I didn't open the card, the triggers blew my psyche to shreds to think that she, of all people, would....I'm stopping myself there.

But here comes the better news--no card this year. Two friends wanted to come over and it was tranquil, peaceful, fun, and what I needed for what I still don't regard as a big day.
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 28, 2015, 09:26:39 PM
Hi Jdog

I am glad you don't dread your birthday.  Have you ever dreaded it? If so how did you stop dreading...and it you never have...do you know why not?
Just maybe theres something i could be missing here.

I am sorry that your wife doesnt enjoy your birthdays.
I never thought of it like that, that it could also go the other way too..but of course it could as people can deal with the same issue in either of the two opposite ways.
Perhaps for you, you wanted to have a normal birthday, and you managed to dull some how any dread you felt?

I hope you enjoyed your mountain resort break? Sounds very nice.
Whilst its a shame she couldn't continue having huge parties etc. ...perhaps there was stuff lurking there amongst all of that, and perhaps not doing it *that way* will help her figure it out...weather she's counties of this or not.

And your right- its ok if your not *ready* to celebrate your birthday yet. We all have to be patient with ourselves.  Very good to remember.
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 28, 2015, 09:54:48 PM
Hi woodsgnome

I am so glad you messaged! And i have to say, i do like your username.  ;D

Trigger warning too for you.

Firstly, i would like to say that i hear you, and that I completley understand your worry, fear, anxiety, old self talk, judgemental inner critic about why would anyone care about what you write. 
I thought i was the only person who felt that way too. On this thread at the top which you may have read, i wrote that i worry that I'm boring, or irritating others and knwone replied, which plays into my sens of...oh that was so stupid...etc etc. for known to even acknowledge it, and then i think...but I'm not asking for attention..not even in my head! It probably goes back to neglect but anyways.

The fact that you don't feel worthy my lovely, is exactly why you should be here.
Perhaps you could start a thread about that and hear others experiences and about how other people feel? I know id join that, and i also know that that alone wont solve this.

I don't know about you, but do you feel that even if others say...yeah..i feel worthless too...you would feel completely different from them still...as if there is something that is so deeply wrong within you...something unexplainable in words...that you cant put your finger on?
I feel that everyone else has a story, but that I'm not worthy of that story myself. Not worthy to have a similar / valid experience and to have nice things said in the end.

Oh yes and as for boring people...i get the worry.
It is of course different when you are not moaning endlessley about your own life...and i for one, enjoy browsing on here and reading others experiences etc.

This takes time- opening up online...writing messages, and you should be so proud of yourself for writing your first message. I hope you mange to stick around and that you find this place helpful.
Its not so scary...popping in now and then, and you don't have to give away too much if you don't feel like, and you don't have to help others yet, as you are so new.
Don't be worried about asking all the questions right now, as one person on here put it, you are looking for help and support right now, and to just be heard, later you can offer any input, and you can now if you so wish, but don't feel pressured.

I am sad to hear that you also don't like your birthday.
And that your Foo is triggering for you.

I hope you don't mind me asking...as i don't know your story....but have you looked into your Foo and why its so triggering?
Why your sisters card is so triggering? And what you could about it?

I hope you don't worry you have to stop yourself writing...not sure if it was just too hard to write.
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 28, 2015, 09:55:33 PM
Boatsetsailrose Happy Birthday!!!  ;) Hope you had a good one.
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on May 28, 2015, 10:01:01 PM
Boatsetsailrose,

Im sorry your mother said that to you. Know one should have to hear that, and its so sad if in her heart, she thought that.
Its awful when a mother just has the incapability for whatever reason, to love the wonderful child she has.

Im glad your trying to celebrate...and you do deserve to celebrate.
The fact that you are still around, is something to celebrate, despite all struggles through life, and its something we should all remember on our birthday.

Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on June 11, 2015, 05:36:12 AM
Thank you indigo child :)
Yes it was the worse single thing that she verbalised to me and stuck with me for a long time and at points has really fed into my mental health ---
It has lost most of its power now - I did some work with an energy healer and that really helped me to feel born and here --
Yes thank u to celebrate being here on earth, alive and thriving it is a miracle -- my strength to thrive even blows me away :)
We all here are born survivors and it's so encouraging
I love this site and am v grateful to met everyone
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on June 11, 2015, 09:37:08 AM
Yes...im not surprised it effected you!
 :sadno:

Energy healing sounds interesting.
I am glad it helped you to feel more alive.
Yes, we are all strong. I love this website too.

Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: sunnyday1 on June 11, 2015, 07:35:17 PM
I used to dread them a lot.  My birthdays were either a glut of attention seeking from the FOO or not recognized at all.  Pretty much get no attention from the FOO now, which I find nice.  I used to not really do anything. I've started just doing a few small things to make it a nice day. 
Title: Re: Does anyone find their birthday triggering?
Post by: Indigochild on June 11, 2015, 07:41:52 PM
Hey Sunnyday1

That sucks! Your birthday is the one day people should celebrate how special you are, make you feel special, celebrate your life.
Im not surprised you dreaded them.  :'(
You do not deserve that from your FOO.
You deserve people who love you and who pay attention to you.

Im so glad youve started doing a few small things. 
Thats a good idea. Just take it slow, start small if your afraid to go big and all out on the celebrations.
Thanks for that!