Out of the Storm

NOTICE -  OOTS does not endorse the use of any illegal psychoactive substances.

WARNING - For any members reading/posting to this board, please note that discussion of psychoactive substances is involved, some of which are legal in certain countries and illegal in others. There are ongoing clinical trials medicinal or therapeutic use of substances such as MDMA, psilocybin, cannabis and several other substances being conducted around the world (e.g., http://www.maps.org/). It is important to understand that for safety and legal reasons, the trials are conducted under strict government and medical supervision.  Pure ingredients are used whereas street drugs more often than.

In this particular sub-forum posters may NOT encourage others to use any psychoactive substances. Rather, you may share your own experiences with them and/or discuss the research into substances which may/may not help with CPTSD. Posts which contravene this will be edited or removed.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Kizzie
Site Manager

Thanks for posting Kizzie,
I know traumatized people who have also benefited from other psychedelics such a psilocybin - which has also shown promise treating depression.  These substances could help people have therapeutic breakthroughs.  It frustrates me that this important research remains illegal.  :pissed:

MAPS has actually managed after many, many years of pushing and squawking to get quite a few clinical trials done and more underway including psilocybin I think, but oh the hoops they've had to jump through and mainly because of the stigma.  I just shake my head when I consider how destructive alcohol can be. 

I don't smoke pot or haven't since I was in high school (w-a-a-a-a-ay back when), but I have considered going to Washington to try some different strains now that's it's legal there (it borders my province). I hesitate because I don't know if it will interfere with recovering from CPTSD by letting me  dissociate/numb, or if it would help me to feel less fearful/anxious when I have an EF and let me look at my trauma with more ease  ??? ??? ???  More mulling and researching required on this one.

Kizzie -
I call myself the 'one hit wonder'. I probably only smoke a couple of times per year and find that one hit is great for taking off the edge and dulling anxiety, kind of like 2 glasses of wine. I really don't like the stoned, numbed, stoopid feeling of being out of control and completely numbed by getting high. That makes me really uncomfortable.

Ive never tried X but I've wanted to.

Now that I've read about X (well, the pure form of it which is MDMA), I am actually so glad I never tried it on my own as I'm afraid it would "release the hounds" so to speak.  You know bring down the wall so that you can access self compassion, etc but what would be a massive amount of internal shifting going on without therapeutic assistance and support. It's exactly that guidance and support I think is probably key to using it with CPTSD, aid with integrating the various parts and tapping into those positive abilities the ICr keeps shuttered.

I hear you about weed. I'm not really into the numbed out feelings these days although ask me a year ago and I would have definitely latched onto it instead of alcohol to numb out if it hadn't been illegal here. I rarely drank at all before then so it really was just a way of numbing - I do not like the out of control, stupid feeling either - hmmmmmm, I wonder why that is lol? CPTSDer's need for order and control perhaps?  Anyway, I think weed also has some potential as a therapeutic tool - fine line though.

Quote from: Kizzie on October 01, 2014, 03:21:02 PM
MAPS has actually managed after many, many years of pushing and squawking to get quite a few clinical trials done and more underway including psilocybin I think, but oh the hoops they've had to jump through and mainly because of the stigma.  I just shake my head when I consider how destructive alcohol can be. 

I don't smoke pot or haven't since I was in high school (w-a-a-a-a-ay back when), but I have considered going to Washington to try some different strains now that's it's legal there (it borders my province). I hesitate because I don't know if it will interfere with recovering from CPTSD by letting me  dissociate/numb, or if it would help me to feel less fearful/anxious when I have an EF and let me look at my trauma with more ease  ??? ??? ???  More mulling and researching required on this one.

This is very encouraging to hear.  Humanity needs a lot of healing.  The more tools the better.

MDMA...
In my few encounters with MDMA, it acts as a 'truth serum.'  Anything & everything you would 'normally' hold back, don't say, don't share...comes floating out in a very positive euphoric way for about 8-10 hours.  It has the potential to wreck your joint fluids (I suggest reading up on the physical damages which have nasty consequences) and you will feel your lower spinal cord ache. 
I think it has good use for breaking through significant walls in your head & heart.  It does last a LONG time in your system, and you don't want to use it around others who are FAR from ready to handle the 'FULL YOU' with no restraints. 
It's been incorrectly labeled the 'love drug.'  If I faintly recall, it was used by marriage counselor's to help couples get past their hatred/problems of each other.  It has been highly and widely abused by rave party fanatics and sex based interests.
One boundary most people have is their personal 'space.'  As in most people aren't touchy-feeling (as in having to touch another person ALL THE TIME) and adhere to respecting personal boundaries.  If I sit next to someone, I don't sit RIGHT up against them, I give them their space.  -And hope they respect mine.  Most people give brief handshakes and physical greetings.  We don't go around giving hugs and kisses to everyone we encounter and telling them 'I love you' in a crazed manner...followed up by offering massages. 
MDMA breaks down ALL BARRIERS and BOUNDARIES.  It will make you want to say WHATEVER you've EVER held back, it will make you want to tell others EXACTLY what you think, good or bad.  It makes you extremely touchy-feely, which is why diehard rave attendees love the stuff, because everyone is right up against each other for HOURS.  It causes you to be super social, non stop talking, non stop touching, etc.
I wouldn't take it alone either.  It's best taken with extremely trusted friends and/or partner who are ALSO taking MDMA.  You will definitely annoy or make a non using MDMA person really wierded out...with the exception of a counselor observing/controlled environment.  You cannot and should not drive on it or EVER go out in public on it...because you will NOT be able to STOP yourself from hugging and talking to every person you meet.  It's ideal if the setting is planned well...quiet, uninterrupted space, mellow surroundings, and identically like minded company who will take it with you.  Smoking a little pot with it helps take off the 'intensity' and calm you down.  It's a long, long 'trip' so you should take all precautions to safely use it for the purpose intended.  You will have the best time EVER (in my opinion) because you have no stress, no constraints, no worries, no problems...for 8-10 hours.  I used to call it a 'vacation from myself.' 
In these modern times, it is considered a highly illegal drug and in some states, the criminal charges are very steep.  Also, trying to find real MDMA vs. fake or watered down MDMA would be difficult since it's a 'street drug.' Other risks are unfortunately buying it from an undercover cop or a criminal who's going to mug/rip you off.  Plus, you have to consider the risk factors of taking an unfamiliar substance that might not work in your system or conflict with other medications. 
It is a shame that MDMA isn't prescribed like it once had been for marriage counseling.  It does have immense medical benefits if used and controlled in the right manner.  Oh, and don't even think about functioning the 'day after.' Because you WILL be up all night long on it, it's too intense a stimulant/hallucinogenic properties to sleep.  You will sort of sit around and talk...talk...talk with a couple of trusted friends or partner.  We had also prepared food, drink, etc beforehand.  You are WAY TOO HIGH to play with fire or monitor cooking...it greatly distorts time/space.  It is an extremely interactive social drug; avoid the urge to drive or mingle with strangers.  I'd hide keys if I were you!  Listening to music with friends and eating good healthy, yummy foods is really cool.  If you can rent a wilderness cabin or a remote cabin/condo with a Jacuzzi/pool....and nobody around for miles, -PERFECT. Then everyone can hoot, hollar, get nekked, be unhinged, and do it safely.  MDMA will make your body feel 'hot'...its speeding up your system and stressing it out, so clothes kinda-sorta don't stay on.  :stars:

Psilocybin in contrast to MDMA:  Psilocybin has greater hallucinogenic effects which aren't always guaranteed to be good or make you feel good.  You can have a 'bad' trip on it, and also 'trip out' harder than you intended.  It also goes for many hours, about 8-12.  You won't be able to drive or interact with society.  It is ideally taken in a semi outdoor setting FAR from society with others who are also taking it.  It's not meant for casual use and going out to the movies, etc.  You risk getting arrested if you take it and go mixing around public spaces and human populations.  It's not the break-through drug like MDMA at all.  It's a solid hallucinogenic trip which can go great or can go too intense/bad trip.  Smoking a little pot with it also shaves off the intensity.  Keep in mind with any drugs...if you are subject to blood/urine screening, taking 'street drugs' can land you in a lot of trouble.

MDMA is a completely different 'trip.' Check out online sources for the chemical compounds and mixture which makes up MDMA, it has a few different properties, its not pure cocaine or heroin, its a concoction which should make you fail a blood/urine drug test, and I think it stays in your system for awhile.  MDMA is a solid good 'trip' from start to finish.  I don't think it's possible to even have a bad trip on it, it's a total override of intensely positive, honest friendly energy for 8-10 hours.   :party:

Tks for all the info Ghost, I don't know anyone who has used it (or don't think I do lol), and appreciate the opportunity to talk with someone who has as I've only read about it. 

I am not at all interested in MDMA recreationally, but it's something I would consider using with a therapist as a way of getting behind the wall or into the vault where the trauma is stored.  When you have used it did you see into your dark places or was it more a positive 8-10 hours of feeling sociable and loving? The author in the O Magazine article wrote that in her session she did venture into the darkness, and that she was able to get past the fear and be accepting and compassionate, which is what the excerpts I posted earlier seem to suggest. From your experience can you see MDMA being helpful in working through past trauma with the self-compassion it seems to tap into?

For any members reading this thread, plea note that we are discussing illegal substances.  This is not to suggest that you should try this or any illegal substance either for recreational or therapeutic reasons.  The context of the discussion is about the research into currently illegal substances which may/may not help with CPTSD and which may/may not be available legally in the future. 

There are ongoing clinical trials for MDMA, psilocybin, cannabis and several other substances so there is a lot of movement around the world in the direction of legalizing certain substances for medicinal or therapeutic use (See MAPS -  http://www.maps.org/). For example, in Canada recently the Cdn Arthritis Society has called for more research into the medicinal effects of MJ with an eye to legalizing it (hallelujah as the med I currently take is so hard on my stomach and I still have a lot of joint pain). See here - http://arthritis.ca/page.aspx?pid=7784.  And the Cdn Centre for Addiction and Mental Health has officially called for the legalization of weed under strict govt control (link - http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/Pages/home.aspx).   

Anyway. there is a lot of movement toward looking at the benefits of these kinds of substances and I hope we can discuss this as openly as possible here without suggesting that members should engage is the use of illegal substances.

Kizzie said: "I am not at all interested in MDMA recreationally, but it's something I would consider using with a therapist as a way of getting behind the wall or into the vault where the trauma is stored.  When you have used it did you see into your dark places or was it more a positive 8-10 hours of feeling sociable and loving? The author in the O Magazine article wrote that in her session she did venture into the darkness, and that she was able to get past the fear and be accepting and compassionate, which is what the excerpts I posted earlier seem to suggest. From your experience can you see MDMA being helpful in working through past trauma with the self-compassion it seems to tap into?"

Unless the therapist can legally prescribe it (not sure how that would happen) since it's classified as a dangerous street drug, not sure how anyone can obtain MDMA without having to find/buy it from nefarious sources.  My brief encounters with MDMA were 20+ years ago; each session was over 8-10 hours straight, and zero darkness/negativity at all. It's a VERY intense, long super freaking happy layers of effects from physical to mental.
In my opinion, you don't have to make ANY effort to get past barriers, depression, emotional walls, etc.  That mess evaporates immediately on MDMA, you are 100% free of any of your troubles/issues, which is why I called it a 'vacation from yourself.'  As far as 'loving' or 'compassionate' goes, I wouldn't say those are major emotional factors I recall from MDMA, it's more of a truth serum...it instigates you to tell others exactly what you feel or think.
MDMA dissolves all barriers which might be seen as embarrassing 'after the fact' in that you didn't really want to share that much about yourself.  Hence, highly trusted friends or a partner who's taken it with you.  MDMA isn't something which pinpoint targets trauma; it makes you share EVERYTHING but in a fun, upbeat, positive manner. Which is why rave goers really love it, they're dancing, having fun and letting loose.  I think it would be pretty difficult to try and focus on a trauma or anything heavy, you'd have hours and hours of not being able to think of any bad stuff.
If I recollect, it was highly effective with married couples who could not get past negative hang-up's, grudges, hatred, etc...in order to save their marriage.  MDMA would have given a couple a long break to just enjoy each other, apologize for being mean, spiteful, and hurt.  It would definitely break down defensiveness and intimacy problems.  MDMA is an intensely interactive drug, you will be compelled to honestly admit how you feel/think about others, and the overwhelming urge for physical contact (massage, sex, intimate contact) is a major component.  It is highly favored by some couples for the extremely heightened intimacy urges; I wouldn't want to use it with a pseudo-stranger like a professional counselor.
All drugs, whether legal/illegal...have differing effects on an individual such as that O Magazine author.  I'd recommend others to do extensive online medical research, there are pros/cons about any drug; but MDMA does have ingredients which will make you fail a drug screening test, and it is highly addictive for some users.  Considering the unknown street ingredients that can be downright deadly, toxic or damaging; I would not venture to track it down again.  I was fortunate over 20 years ago to have access to high quality, clean MDMA.  -Those days are long done!

Some MDMA Links:

http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/mdma-ecstasy-abuse/what-mdma

http://www.drugfreeworld.org/drugfacts/ecstasy/what-is-ecstasy.html

http://www.urban75.com/Drugs/e_guide.html

Yes, I've read at MAPS the despair that so many T's felt when it was made illegal as they had a lot of success with using MDMA theraputically.  Tks for the links and the info and words of caution, all appreciated Ghost! 

This thread is ironic! when I was younger I was quiet the E person! For me it did act as a truth serum of sorts too, back then I had so many bottled up thoughts and feelings that E really took me for the first time out of my anxiety! However, I would crash horribly. I have a Theory that many addicts are reenacting trauma with addiction. You Idealize ( most of us have a specific set of things we must have to use and ritualized the whole process IE. I must have this type of environment, this music, certain company ETC.) you get all hyped up for the event, then you devalue after the peak, then discard feel intense shame. E is perfect for this because it hits in waves then leaves you depressed. Also people that dissociate seem to gravitate towards E from what I have read. All I can say for sure is that stuff " fit " me well and I would def have access to emotions that I hadn't had previously. I would actually say the things and realize the things that I was too afraid to in my normal walk of life. I was with a N at the time and through writing things down while on E I finally got through my own self deceptions. I knew she was cheating and using me but I would not dare even consciously acknowledge all of the mounting evidents until I was rolling. Unfortunately It got out of hand because I was moving from once a month to a dangerous habit. I bought what I thought was molly and it was not it was a synthetic version called MMC4 and I was hooked badly for several months. I sometimes now question wether or not that phase did serious damage to my brain. luckily it was only for a few months. hm mm scary stuff. If MDMA where left untouched it could help people but thanks to the war on drugs the fake versions are killing people... anyway different topic for a different website LOL

I currently live in Maine, and was able to get a Cannabis license. I don't use it super often, but have found that a few hits takes the edge off and I don't get too high then. I used to like using a small amount of edibles, but its really easy to eat more than you mean to and end up too high- its uncomfortable when you get to that stage, too.  Its not "bad" per-say, but I"m not one that likes actually being stoned or high.  Like Kizzie said, it seems to be a CPTSD thing- gotta have control lol. There does seem to be a fairly fine line with it, but I've kind of figured out about where that line is (though still experimenting with different strains at the moment), Cannabis does seem to work. Certainly better than a lot of the "legal" therapeutic drugs out there!

Hi Stormwolf  - thanks for telling us about your experience with cannabis, I'm always interested to hear as I don't have a medical license so haven't tried anything yet (it's been years since I used it recreationally and I didn't use much even then).  We are planning to go to Washington where it's legal recreationally so that I can try some different strains.  I don't want the stone or buzz either (yup, it's a control thing and I have felt weird enough in my life without using lol). I'm interested in taking the edge off, pain relief (arthritis) and help with falling asleep. 

I am concerned about getting too reliant on using instead of working through difficult times.  Do you see that as a potential problem?  So much of the CPTSD involves dissociating from pain so I'm afraid I will use it that way instead of for pain, sleep and occasionally to relax.

I see where the edibles market is getting bigger all the time and I was thinking I would want to stay away from that for the reason you suggest - too easy to get carried away with eating something yummy! 

I was concerned about it being a potential problem. It was something I discussed with my doctor- we thought the benefits outweighed the risks for becoming too reliant. However! I discovered that the control freak in me doesn't like that high feeling, so I generally only want it when I"m having a really bad day. This doesn't mean it will be the same for you, obviously, but what seems to work is stopping for a second and asking myself if I need a dose of meds right now, and how strong of a dose do I need? And then going from there. Hope this helps!

It does SG, tks!  I am interested in the Indica (low THC) strains so that will help as well. They apparently give more body relaxation/pain relief versus a head buzz.  There's a lot to learn with cannabis so hopefully I will find a knowledgeable dispensary. That's awesome that you have a supportive doc by the way, things are changing!

Well, I was able to get a provincial membership/license at two cannabis dispensaries in the province.  BC is quite liberal when it comes to pot compared to the rest of the country. 

Anyway, I was "examined" by a naturopath via Skype at both places (3-4 questions about symptoms), got the thumbs up to buy and use weed for medicinal purposes, and was issued a membership card so I can buy what I want.  Unlike the US I can buy as much as I want as long as the dispensary is certain I am not buying it to resell. Lots of gray areas, loopholes the industry is taking advantage of here.

So I bought one gram of 8 different strains, 6 Indica and two hybrid.  I have tried three and have to say I'm not liking it at all!   It doesn't help me to feel sleepy and doesn't take the edge off as I thought it would. I just feel weird and want it to wear off so I don't know if I will even bother trying the rest. 

Not to discourage anyone from trying cannabis - I often have really different (paradoxical) reactions to medications (anti-anxiety meds ramp up my anxiety; codeine makes me jumpy)

Hi Kizzie,

I few years back I went through a horrific extended period of profound sleep deprivation (no exaggeration!).  The doctors and the naturopath all said that there was nothing "more" they could do for me.  So I got a MM license and bought some.  It didn't help and the side effects made my life worse.  Like you I don't believe this means everyone will have this experience.

I eventually figured out how to help myself.  Here's what I use:

10pm Lithium Orotate (over the counter very low dose lithium), Lemon Balm, and sublingual 5-HTP (sublingual so it doesn't go through the gut and give me IBS)
11pm L-Theanine, PassionFlower, 5 HTP
2am doxilamine succanate
5am L-Theanine

These supplements are non-addictive and do not develop tolerance.  They are relatively good for you (except the dox suc which isn't horrible).
My hope is that as I recover from Cptsd more and more I will be able to come off some or all of these, but for now they work and have been for about 18 months.

:hug: Rrecovery

Tks so much for this Rrecovery!  I must say after all my efforts to get ahold of some to try pot I was really disappointed at how I felt.  I grew three plants last year that were the epitomy of failure to thrive lol - who knew there was such a science to growing pot? Yeesh!

Anyway, I really don't like feeling that weird head thing you get even with the Indica strains. I can only imagine what the Sativas would be like  :aaauuugh:.   In some ways I see this as a bit of progress perhaps (i.e., I don't want to numb or fog up because staying present/grounded is a little more comfortable than it used to be.) 

I hope you don't mind some questions about the items you listed!   

10pm Lithium Orotate (over the counter very low dose lithium), Lemon Balm, and sublingual 5-HTP (sublingual so it doesn't go through the gut and give me IBS)
11pm L-Theanine, PassionFlower, 5 HTP
2am doxilamine succanate
5am L-Theanine

Are those the times you take the various items tat the start and if so why do you take certain things at certain times? What dose do you use of each?  Do you just get sleepy when you use them?

Tks again  :hug:

Hi Kizzie,

Those are the times I take them.  I figured out this configuration (sups and times) through lots of trial and error.  None of them put you "out" like Ambien, they all relax the nervous system.  If I'm really wound up I can take all of them and barely sleep.  I have to do "my" part by consciously relaxing my muscles and mind through meditation or at least thinking non-stressing thoughts.
LemonBalm Force by New Chapter 1 softgel
Lithium Orotate by Pure Encapsulations 5mg
Doxilimaine Succanate 25mg
PassionFlower by Solaray 350mg
L0Theanin by Whole Foods 100mg
sublingual 5-HTP by Life Link - I put 2 - 25mg under my tongue each time, I don't swallow the saliva, I spit it out - so I swallow none of it, let it dissolve for 15 minutes, spit out what's left
I also take Magnesium glycinate by Pure Encapsulations - 2 capsules at 10pm.

Hope this helps  :hug:

Thanks for the info Rrecovery.  I think you're quite right about doing your part  :yes:  and it made me think that I need to work on that more if I am being honest with myself (and tk you for your part in my seeing that).  What I am doing so far (being more mindful, checking in with my body, trying to think differently about things that cause me anxiety) has been working so it makes sense that doing more of this would help. 

:hug:

Just by way of an update to this thread, I have gone from wanting to numb my pain as I did when I became addicted to alcohol, to wanting to get at and deal with my pain via a drug that would allow me to do that, to not wanting (needing?) to use anything once I gotten further into recovery. 

Please know that in relating this I'm not advocating one way or another (use or not use), just letting members know that in the end I moved slowly but surely into recovery with therapy, prescribed medication and this forum. Having said that I am still very curious to see what the MAPS trials reveal regarding what it may do to help those of us with CPTSD in terms of recovery.

I've made my reservations regarding the use of (not so) illegal substances (in the Netherlands) known elsewhere, even though I'm not against them per se. I do think caution is warranted.

In te Netherlands there is a (in)famous example of such use. The pro's arguing for it and the con's against it are still in debate.
While searching for a good source on this historical case in English I found this article on the website of MAPS. No coincidence there.
**possible triggers: Prof Bastiaans used LSD in his treatment of horrific trauma caused during WWII. Some graphic details are disclosed**
http://www.maps.org/news-letters/v08n1/08118sne.html
What the article doesn't mention is that after he had retired, a drug addict in his care died while treated with ibogaine. His license was revoked as a result.
I'm not drawing any conclusions from it, but I'd say "be careful out there".

I'm so glad this.thread is here. I always refrained from talking about my past, extensive use of psychedelic drugs because I did not.want to encourage anyone one way or the other. I just had an extensive run of my life where I did anything to search for answers and psychedelic drugs played a big roll in that. It's hard to talk about though, because when I found answers, my family all chalked it up to "she's on drugs. She's crazy" but the truth is that the drugs heightened my sense of what was really going on.

LSD was really hard for me under the circumstances I was in, but it helped bring back childhood memories that otherwise may have been suppressed had I not taken it. They were bad memories, and I had prolonged fearful states but I would have rather know than not. It has a way of helping people face fears. They used to use it for therapy.I wish I had the opportunity to sit with a healer while I used it.

Same with MDMA. I have lots of experience with this drug. It was used origionally, in its plant form, for healing relationships. Sometimes the healer would take the Extacy while speaking with the people seeking help with relationships.

I have also tried DMT which has been known to heal cognitive distortion as well as addiction and although I travelled to a different dimension and it was absolutely terrifying at moments, it was one of the most beautiful and helpful things that has ever happened to me. It's 7 hour version is called Ayahuasca and is used by shamans and indigenous cultures for healing as well.

I was once at a class for plant healing and DMT was the recommended first drug to try had anyone not tried psychedelics because it is short lived, but opens you up to so much.

I have an extensive use of psilocybin which i have.found to be more of a grounding psychedelic, than the ones mentioned above. I also used to smoke marijuana like a chimney, but it's a sacred plant and abusing it is not cool. Nor abusing any of these sacred plants/healing drugs.

Today I don't use any, but if I get with a shaman in South America with Ayahuasca it's on.

So many drugs with such healing properties are illegal. But then substances like alcohol are legal. It has always been known to be used for killing off bacteria and sickness. Now its so abused, naturally with how addicting it is.

I mean kudos if you have a couple glasses.of wine.  I just can't stand drunk people. So ignorant, loud, obnoxious, rude, and talk to close to your face. How embarrassing. I've been that person, but on the other side of it now, I'm humiliated and saddened by what I've done while drunk to relationships, bad choices I've made and the danger I've put myself in.

While there are so many drugs that could open eyes and make the world a  better place, they legalize.and target the most likely to cause harm. It's ridiculous

Hi,  :wave: I'm new and just finishing Pete Walker's book on cptsd. I have had a Medical MJ license for 2 years now. I treat it as medicine, not recreational. I was able to get it for my buldging discs in my back and happily have not had to take pain meds for my back more than 5x over the last 2 years! I found one or two puffs of 'sativa,' the happy strain, as opposed to 'indica,' the go to sleep strain, will diminish intrusive thoughts immediately and create an incredible amount of relief in less than a minute and last about an hour and a half.

I use an edible indica infused brownie slice to go to sleep.  One brownie will last me about a week.  I was sleeping only 4 hours a night for 10 years.  After an acupuncturist prescribed a tea to cleanse my liver of anger, which in Chinese medicine, anger is stored in the liver, based on what part of the body is supposed to be healing/rejuvenating when I woke up between 1:30 & 2 a.m., I did the tea for 2 months.  I suddenly started to cry about sad things, hadn't cried in years. I slept gradually a little longer.  I still use the mj to sleep but will sleep about 6-7 hours now, very nice!

Eventually, I would like to be off of everything. I drink wine too, one or 2 glasses a day, early evening.  Other than that, I am a health nut.

This was a particularly hard holiday stretch between Thanksgiving and Christmas as I have started to feel emotions again. I have been NC with my N mother for over 30 years now, as well as my N sister for over 25 years.

I did not realize my "no picture" flashbacks were flashbacks! OMG, what a relief to discover, I have been having them since my early childhood, constantly.  I have worked hard to get well over the last 3 years after divorcing my N husband of 20 years.  I am finally getting it and trying to rebuild my life.  It has been a struggle but a glorious time of understanding and personal growth.

I want to say if you can get MJ in your state give it a try. I do experience a rapid heartbeat sometimes which is annoying but also worth it for the relief.  It is strong stuff, much stronger than my younger years and needs to be respected as a medicine. 

Hi Cleo and a warm welcome to OOTS!  :wave:

That's fantastic that you have had so much relief with cannabis.  I recently was given a legal prescription for my osteoarthritis and cannot believe the difference it makes in terms of pain.  Not short of amazing considering the alternatives (opiates).  I use Avi Dekel which is one of the highest in CBD (versus THC) you can get.  I haven't tried any strains for sleep or anxiety yet, but the company I purchase from has nurses on staff and a pharmacist to help patients make decisions about which ones to try. I'm heartened to see that different strains have helped you so much so thanks for sharing your experiences in this thread.  :thumbup:

It is such as relief to find out about the emotional flashbacks isn't it?!  I mean no-one wants to have them but it sure brings down the fear when we figure out what's happening.  I always thought I was having a breakdown or going crazy. I had one this Christmas and knowing what it was and then looking for the reasons for it, I managed to defuel it fairly quickly. 

I love how you describe your recovery, "It has been a struggle but a glorious time of understanding and personal growth."  Couldn't say it any better!  :hug:

I'm happy to see this discussion. Medical MJ is awesome for intrusive thoughts, it dissolves them immediately and gives a sense of well being so I could at least see what well being felt like! It is legal in my state. I am happy to say though that after 3 years, I am stimulant, alcohol (35+ yrs) and drug free. Am I normal member of society? No. I have issues and probably always will. I also have a lot of issues with what society considers normal. I had a sociopath mother, sister, absent alcoholic father since age 2 and didn't meet him until 27, I liked him but it was too late. We were good friends who understood each other and were very much alike.

I married verbally abusive narcissists 2x for a grand total of about 50+ years of abuse. A slow learner, I only figured it out a few years ago, about 5. I divorced my husband - we were together for 20 torturous and numb years. I am terrified of men but just starting to see I am attracting different types now, not angry, yay!. I have isolated in order to not have anyone taking up space in my head but me, so I could focus on healing. I've lost many friends, all of them I ended the relationships after seeing toxic behavior and laying down my boundaries. I find deliberately saying "no" to small things helps tremendously in being able to see most people don't get upset and it actually makes me stronger when they do! I have no issue saying no to anything now. Boundaries make life very manageable. I've become a warrior for myself realizing nobody else cares about me like I do. Also, that I no longer care about others and obsess over them and what I can do for them. It's very freeing. I can't handle stress and I'm an insomniac. I am able to dial myself way back and live in the moment and observe what others are really about before I become attached or involved.

I have been NC with entire family for 30+ years. I have found peace in CoDA meetings of late and I can honestly say I love myself, and all of my emotions. I welcome ALL of them as I will sit and "interview them" as to why they are present and what do they want to teach me? I have a new group of friends now and they are fun. I am normally a fun person with a survival sense of humor, and they know about my cptsd and continue to invite me to do fun things for which I am very grateful.

I am not ready to date and have no desire for a sexual relationship and don't know that I ever will. I do feel many of life's pleasures have been ruined for me as they are now triggers and I don't trust men at all. I do have a great relationship with my higher power and I can honestly say I am thrilled with my life and would not trade it for the life of anyone else. I am starting to make male friends and the jury is still out.

It has been a long road, I suspect I have had cptsd my entire life, but am grateful for everything that has been my journey. I am an artist and it is finally weaving its way into my work and giving it meaning and depth, and seems to have tied my life together. I am able to catch myself now when I am in a flashback, when I idealize someone and I now feel, thanks to Pete Walker's book, that I have the tools to manage it, but will never be rid of it, it's a friend now with gifts of its own. I am proud of how far I've come in 5 years after searching for that one thread that would unravel my personal misery since my teens. It is worthwhile ton of work and I've read over 75 books easily over the last 5 years. But I am finally alive, not numb, I'm confident, speak my mind, I'm honest and vulnerable and unafraid, except for men.  I'll take it. Peace within to all.

I find smoking cannabis and the edibles are way too strong and as others have mentioned I don't like the feeling of being high so I made a tincture from the dried plant material and vodka. Just two drops of this under the tongue a few times per day really seems to help anxiety without making me feel high at all-just much more relaxed and calm. I do hope this becomes legal in more places because it seems like a potentially valuable tool.
I got really turned off from many of the psych meds years ago after trying about 15 different ones for over a decade and nothing really worked. I ended up with tardive dyskenesia (automatic involuntary movement disorder) that gradually reversed but because of that I'm no longer a candidate for most pharmaceutical drugs or the condition could eventually return.
The cannabis tincture has been a wonderful alternative for me that I can use as needed. My Nurse Practitioner actually recommended it for my anxiety but she couldn't officially prescribe it due to the current laws in my state. I don't find it addicting in the least and have gone without using it for months at a time. The only negative is that it makes me a bit tired sometimes. I hope this was okay to post here. Feel free to delete it if not.

interesting reading, this.  back when i was using pot/drinking alc. the whole purpose of it for me was to get out of control!  i wanted to laugh, to have fun with others who were doing the same thing.  that's why i loved going to bars - people were having a good time!  and, i stayed away from stoners who just mellowed out - i was introduced to pot as a have-fun, feel-good drug, laugh out loud drug, and that's the way i always preferred to be.  not being in control, away from the seriousness of everything, and among those who also loved to laugh and find things funny.

i'm in recovery from all that now, and i stay away from meds/drugs as much as possible.   the idea of using something, legal or illegal, just goes against my grain now, even for this psychological work.   i want to stay in my reality and work through it, but that's just me.  this has been a real eye-opener, though.  i'm glad i happened through here.  best of luck to anyone who tries this avenue.  i hope it's helpful.  it really may break down walls in the brain that could not otherwise be accessed.  like it was said, everyone's brain stores their traumas/memories differently. 

Love the openness and honesty. I have had no luck with pharmaceuticals. While it's great for those who are helped by them, I'm tired of the insistence that they are the best or only course of action.
There's a good documentary on netflix for DMT and another for Ayahuasca. I've read that psilocybin can rewire the traumatized brain.
While visiting a legal state, I tried a sativa type cannabis and felt great even though I smoked quite a bit. I tried gummies that were concentrated THC and got anxiety (no worse than too much caffeine) so it's whole plant products only for me. A very low dose CBD tincture just made me sleep really well as did the bath product.

Does anyone know any practicing MDMA therapists or other psychedelics in Canada?

Thank you!

I have tried cannabis, but cannabis doesn't like me.

Alcohol does get rid of my bodily pain, and helps sleep, but alcohol doesn't like me either.

Psilocybin is gentle, and it does not induce terrifying flashbacks. I have found that it  treats me with respect. It also  (scientifically) rearranges our neurons, stimulates new neuron growth, and treats depression after only two therapeutic experiences.
Psilocybin like me...
Slim

QuoteI have tried cannabis, but cannabis doesn't like me.  Alcohol does get rid of my bodily pain, and helps sleep, but alcohol doesn't like me either.

Ditto Slim and thanks for sharing about your experience with psilocybin.  Based on the MAPS clinical trials I had been looking at the potential of MDMA assisted psychotherapy to help us. So far, however, the trials have only been for PTSD, so unsure of whether/how it works for Complex PTSD and trials, if any, are a ways off. It's proving quite helpful for PTSD, but that doesn't mean it's safe/effective with CPTSD. 

Lately I've been reading more about psilocybin and must admit I've become quite interested in its potential. It does seem to be a 'gentle' psychedelic as you've described and I like that you find it treats you with respect.  :thumbup: