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Welcome to OOTS - New Members Please Start Here => New Members => Introductory Post => Topic started by: Broccoli.woccoli on August 03, 2015, 02:11:16 AM

Title: hi
Post by: Broccoli.woccoli on August 03, 2015, 02:11:16 AM
New, obviously. Seriously struggling, hard to get compassion so decided to look for online support.

Started age 3ish, stepfather was an abusive sociopath who enjoyed terrorizing and beating me. Throughout my life, one person after another for, oh, 37 years. Misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, ive been rediagnosed as having aspergers. 15 years of medication that gave me symptoms of bipolar so they overmedicated me trying to make me well.

I Took myself off all the meds over several years, but the therapist i was seeing at the time wasnt thrilled. Ive been unmedicated for two years now, but its hitting me, the grief.

Im dying inside. There are no supports that i know of for people like me. I feel like i was wrongly imprisoned, set free without any coping skills. The degredation i suffered while medicated, the humiliation, I COULD HAVE HAD KIDS. Ive dealt with so much and im tired. Im sick and tired of the pain.

I cant find adequate professional help with compassion. This pain is drowning me.
Title: Re: hi
Post by: Trees on August 03, 2015, 03:07:18 AM
Dear Broccoli, I hear your pain and grief.  You have had a long journey and you deserve comfort and compassion.

My own long journey also began around the age of 3 and has gone on for many decades.  I understand how exhausting the years of pain can be.  I am so sorry to hear what you have been enduring.  Some of us find it very hard to find the kind of help that we need. 

I am glad you found this site.  It is for people with cptsd seeking a safe place to speak the truth about their circumstances with this condition.  Here the goal is to support each other with compassion and whatever information we have gleaned in our search for healing.

Our frame of reference is Pete Walker's book, "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving," which I recommend very highly for its compassionate discussion of the many aspects of cptsd.  And the Guidelines for Members here on the site can also be helpful for connecting with others here.

I hope you will stay in touch here and share more of your journey with us.  Please do try to take good care of yourself, as it what you deserve.  Big hugs    :hug:
Title: Re: hi
Post by: Indigochild on August 03, 2015, 08:19:28 AM
Hi Broccoli

Im so sorry about the pain you are feeling.

It is common to get diagnosed with bipolar- its wrong- the whole health care system-
doctors give out pills with out finding out what is ACTUALLY wrong.

You have put it well. Imprisoned ,then set free with out the skills to have a life.
It sucks that you put off having kids. Very nobel as well, as all kids need skills from their parents, and if we had awful upbringings, we are good people, but maybe lack the skills we were never thought.

Im not sure why your therapist wasnt thrilled at you stopping you medication. Maybe you did it all at once?
Its good that you did it in order to feel. Feeling the pain is the only way it gets rid apparently, and with proper help.

I do not know of any supports either, and feel very alone in the world. Apart from supportive people, which i dont have, there seems little for us in terms of actual help.
I know Mind in the UK do groups etc for Ptsd, not sure if its Cptsd.

Its a good point your at. Being sick and tired of the pain. Which means you have every chance at succeeding in healing if you have the right help and support.

I do hope being here is helpful or at least an outlet.
Sorry i dont have any advice.  :hug:
Title: Re: hi
Post by: Lifecrafting on August 03, 2015, 12:25:36 PM
Hi Broccoli,

I too, am on shaky ground. I wish I could write about it here at OOTS but every time I try to share about myself, I judge it and discard it even if it took an hour to write what I did.

I found this site 2 days ago and although I haven't given these folks any insight as to me and my situation, I find responses to be welcoming, compassionate and resourceful; I am glad that I found this place.

Trees mentioned Pete Walkers book CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving; I just started reading that book and I can tell you that I feel it is one of the most helpful actions I have taken toward feeling better. It helped to get through a whole day without falling apart.

Welcome Broccoli. I hope to see you here again.

Title: Re: hi
Post by: Broccoli.woccoli on August 03, 2015, 01:31:41 PM
My therapist was never supportive of the autism diagnosis. She swore up and down i still had bipolar. No, i was better after slowly going off the meds. She practically had a panic attack, made me promise to go to the E.R. if i felt too happy, or too anything. We butted heads over that, and its ultimately why i left seeing her. Funny thing is, she diagnosed the cptsd.

Ive managed to attain 11.5 yrs of sobriety, starting a singing career, but this pain is preventing me moving. It seems to be triggered from the death of a baby boy i was an honourary grandmother to. (Had a hysterectomy when i was 37 so will never have kids now) Tyson was going to call me Nana. 7 months old, and he died of SIDS. My husband commit suicide two and a half years ago, he had complex ptsd.

I had coffee with a well meaning friend who ive very quietly now cut off. She told me off in spades, how i need to suck it up, move on, pull my socks up. I cried in a public location, and she refused to let me defend myself. I felt so humiliated. Yeah, buh-bye. Sad thing is she has cptsd and aspergers too, but refuses to acknowledge either, so bullies her way thru life. Controlling, bossy, and um, no.

I have to be honest, this is a last ditch attempt to try anything. Im at the end of my strength. Something has to give. I dont want to die, but honestly, this hurt and constant denial of the severity of my hurt and pain.... its drained every ounce of happiness i had. I was coping, and then Tyson died a month ago, and i cannot get over it.

I feel like everybody i know has kicked me while im down, but theyre saying theyre there for me. I cant believe how many people treat me like im an idiot and expect me to just take it. I dont have any energy for a confrontation, so im just cutting people out of my life and not telling them.

Ive recently been betrayed by others who slandered me.

Why do people keep thinking this is ok, and that i will take it?

I am currently healing from a knee injury. It popped at a rehearsal and ive been in a leg brace for 3 weeks, still waiting for the mri, because the e.r. only xrayed it. I said it needs an mri, but the bipolar disorder is still in their chart so they pretty much dismissed it.

And i just had the 40 yr anniversary of my dads death, june 26. And one of my cats died the next day. Shortly after was when the knee went, and Tyson died the next day after the knee.

Its been one thing after another. I cant catch my breath.
Title: Re: hi
Post by: Broccoli.woccoli on August 03, 2015, 01:34:47 PM
Realized one thing ive been thru is banned topic. Im a widow. My husband is no longer by his own doing. He was found by his social worker.
Title: Re: hi
Post by: Kizzie on August 03, 2015, 07:24:56 PM
Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Broccoli. I am so sorry for all your loss and pain, it's a lot for anyone to handle but especially for those of us who have CPTSD. It's like a lifelong pile on, and in a sense that is what's happening.  We don't deal with the trauma from the past (thus the development of CPTSD), and then as we become adults new traumas layer on top of the old. And in that we don't know how to process trauma, it does mount up until we hit maximum load. That's different for everyone but for me it was two years ago.

Many of us here can relate to that feeling, of having been through too much and being at wit's end.  Two years ago I was drinking and hiding in my closet (literally). Like you I didn't want to die  I just wanted the pain to stop.  (And you're correct that we don't discuss suicide here because that is something members need to seek professional help with so thank for following our guidelines, that was very considerate and respectful of you :hug:) 

Finally I reached out, got help and am sober and recovering from CPTSD. It was a tough first 6 months getting back on my feet, but an online support group like this one, medication, and therapy made a big difference. I know that you have had a lot of difficulty finding help but I would encourage you to keep trying until you do t find a trauma informed physician/therapist.  I had just moved when I got into drinking heavily but eventually managed to find a new doc who knew about CPTSD and was quick to get me to the right resources (a psychiatrist and an addictions counsellor).

You have taken a big step in coming here.  We do understand and can share our knowledge and experience with you, and that can go a really long way to not feeling so alone and overwhelmed.

Very glad you're here with us  :hug:
Title: Re: hi
Post by: Dutch Uncle on August 03, 2015, 08:16:17 PM
Hi and welcome, Broccoli.wokkoli,

What a history you have had. I hope you will find some sanctity here.

I COULD HAVE HAD KIDS.

That's heartbreaking.
I feel the same. I've postponed and postponed. Until there's no time left.
I do find some comfort in the knowledge I might not have been the dad they would have needed. As I have missed my dad.
Still, I like to be around kids. And many of my female friends, mothers now, often tell me: "You would have made a great dad".
I know they mean it as a compliment. Yet it still hurts.

I have to be honest, this is a last ditch attempt to try anything. Im at the end of my strength. Something has to give.
I hope you will succeed at last.
You go Girl!

Realized one thing ive been thru is banned topic. Im a widow. My husband is no longer by his own doing. He was found by his social worker.

I'm so sorry you had to go through banned topic. My condolences for your loss.  :hug:
Title: Re: hi
Post by: KayFly on August 03, 2015, 11:11:00 PM
Hi Broccoli.Wokkoli,

You are brave and strong, and I am so glad you are here.  I know how hard that grief, and chaos from the past all combined can be. I'm really sorry for what you have had to go through. Its great that you are pro active in doing something to make yourself happy.  I think you are right where you need to be.  There are some strong observers of life, a lot of wisdom and compassion here, and today is day 1 for me too.  :applause:

I was misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, amongst other things as well, went through medications, weight gain, insanity, resistance to the medications, going off the medications, drug abuse. Once I realized I had Complex PTSD, and started researching more about it, it continued to validate what I was going through, and things kind of started to make sense, and I had to get sober too. I'm only a couple months sober. I take an anti-depressant now, Wellbutrin. I'm happy with it. It helped me quit smoking too.  Medications are hard. I resisted for a long time, and self medicated. I think there is hope in you finding your balance, what ever that may be.

EMDR Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy have been really helpful for me, as well as group and online support.

I also started being abused by my parents at the age of 3 (as I remember it), and have had to estrange myself from my birth family.  I know how hard grief and loss can be. I'm very sorry and I'm sorry you feel at loss of not having children. I dunno what to say.

I really commend you for putting yourself out there, even while it feels like no one cares.  I feel like I go through that thought process 5 out of 7 days a week.  Its hard to feel alone.  Take care of yourself.  Do nice things for you every day. Reward yourself for reaching out. Reward yourself for rewarding yourself :). Good will find you. Crying is good. I wish you well in your healing process and I'll be crying with you.  :hug:

Title: Re: hi
Post by: Broccoli.woccoli on August 16, 2015, 07:03:07 AM
Thank you all so much.
Getting it out, and having the validation i needed, i ended up seeking help, specific help that my doctor was happy to oblige with, and the scary, dark place is gone again.

Sometimes its just nice to feel understood. Made the difference for me. Thank you.

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Title: Re: hi
Post by: Dutch Uncle on August 16, 2015, 10:08:23 AM
Getting it out, and having the validation i needed, i ended up seeking help, specific help that my doctor was happy to oblige with, and the scary, dark place is gone again.

Awesome!
And congrats! Well done.  :applause:

 :yourock:  ;D
Title: Re: hi
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on August 17, 2015, 05:15:41 AM
Hello broccoli
Thank u for sharing
I can relate to the grief ! And what has been lost - I found those feelings were intense and went on for some time - but I can see now it was so relevant to feel them and feel what I never had, what I missed out on . To feel angry about what I was denied and out of the that came feelings of my rights and I could see clearer how I ( I ) could take my life back and wanted to move it forward ..

When I hear that anyone has come off meds it gives me hope - I'm still on meds but hopeful :) sorry to hear u got the wrong diagnosis ( I here that quite often) and for u to recognise that and get the diagnosis that is helping u is good to hear ...

Re professional help - I am not diagnosed ( there is no diagnosis in the UK ) but I strongly identified with all of the symptoms of cptsd. I had an assessment with a psychology service and said that's what I thought I had and to my joy I was assigned a specialist child trauma therapist . We worked together for 12 wks and I made such progress working with her . The main thing I felt was she really 'got it' and was compassionate and taught me how to some compassion for myself..
I am not sure where u live but a suggestion maybe seeking ' child trauma ' specialist or broadening how u seek support -
There is also a 12 step programme called adult children. Of alcoholics and dysfunctional families and I went there for a while re my own dysfunction - I found it very helpful to start being able to be heard and hear others - ACOA website

It's horrible to feel alone and no one really understands and being on this forum has been so good for me .. To meet a community of people in recovery who come from a similar place and experience symptoms of a disorder Just as I do is . To learn from others and they I

I wish u all the best on your recovery journey