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Welcome to OOTS - New Members Please Start Here => New Members => Introductory Post => Topic started by: IFeelSoAlone on August 10, 2015, 05:50:44 PM

Title: New
Post by: IFeelSoAlone on August 10, 2015, 05:50:44 PM
I am new here and looking for the support I just have never really found outside my therapist and husband.  I am 29 and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I was abused 4-7 days a week for the first 14 years of my life.  I suffer from C-PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, OSDD, and Self Harm.  I am really here just trying to find support and a place to put my emotions, hopefully without criticism. I feel very lost in life and like I don't really fit in anywhere.  I am married and we have a 6 year old daughter who is one of the reasons I keep going.  When the abuse slowed down when I was 14 I thought things were going to get better, but I was wrong.  I was raped 3 times in 5 years between the ages of 16 and 21, all by different guys.  I have often asked myself what I did wrong.  What was I doing so horribly wrong that this has happened to me.  I try so hard on a daily basis to function and be a good mom, but it is not at all easy.  I have not found anywhere I have felt comfortable or that I belong when it comes to support.  I get tired of being told that I am only reaching out so I get attention.  I didn't ask for this to happen to me, I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. Anyways, Hi.
Title: Re: New
Post by: Lifecrafting on August 10, 2015, 06:22:39 PM
IFeelSoAlone, HI!!!

I am a week or so new here as well.

I haven't heard (seen) one criticism of anybody. There is common ground in that we all share some of the same experiences, feelings, thoughts, etc. The support available is vast, really; it's been my experience that by looking around at the various topics, asking questions/sharing thoughts I find folks welcoming and helpful.

What you have experienced is heartbreaking; I will think of you today and say prayers for peace and comfort to be with you...

Title: Re: New
Post by: IFeelSoAlone on August 10, 2015, 10:07:47 PM
My abusers were all three of my brothers, they would take turns with me. I felt like a game piece, just being tossed around in their twisted games.  A lot of it I had blocked out for YEARS, and it is all now starting to come back to me.  The flashbacks are severe and often.  I feel so lost, so confused, so alone.
Title: Re: New
Post by: Lifecrafting on August 10, 2015, 10:37:36 PM
Hey...

Really,  I haven't experienced that kind of sexual abuse; I can't say I know how you feel but I can say that I do believe you can get the support you need here.

When I found this site, I realized that I was so overwhelmed and confused, I didn't know what to do so I just dug right in and found threads on the site where I could share a little bit.

What I want to share with you now, is a book called ComplexPTSD by Pete Walker, a man who has CPTSD himself; the information in this book is invaluable; It really helps me stay connected with the support I need to feel better!

Take a look around; I think you may find subjects that you can relate to and people who are more than willing to assist you on your journey to feeling better yourself.

Kudos to you for reaching out; I know it's hard when we feel so alone in our stuff but really, you are in the right place!

I hope you keep coming back.

Hugs to you.

Title: Re: New
Post by: Trees on August 10, 2015, 10:42:48 PM
Dear IFeelSoAlone, you are so welcome here!  I am so glad you found this site!  We are a group of people just like you, here together to support each other in dealing with cptsd.  Childhood trauma of any sort can affect a person's life so dramatically, as shown by your own story.  I am so sorry you had to endure all that!

You do belong here.  A lot of people here are dealing with the continuing trauma of flashbacks.  They are awful, I know.  My own childhood was full of sexual abuse by my father and severe emotional abuse by my mother, along with isolation from the rest of the world as we moved so often.  The worst memories were hidden from my consciousness until my late-30s and then erupted in years of flashbacks.

Please read around the site according to what interests you.  As a frame of reference, we recommend Pete Walker's book, "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving," and I myself recommend it as a warm and compassionate discussion of the many facts of cptsd.

Big hugs  :hug:    :hug:    :hug:  You deserve lots of attention, and love and respect and comfort and safety!
Title: Re: New
Post by: IFeelSoAlone on August 10, 2015, 11:36:39 PM
Thank you all so much for the kind words and encouragement.   I am really struggling in life right now and there is no one close to me that I can talk to without feeling like they are judging me. Coming to terms with my past is something that I am not having a very easy time doing. It sucks to think that the ones that should have protected me are actually the ones that have hurt me the most.
Title: Re: New
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on August 11, 2015, 09:50:41 PM
Hello ifeelsoalone

Thank u for sharing

I too felt like this for some years ... I can see now that healing was taking place it's just that it has taken longer than I would have wanted ...
I just wanted to feel 'normal' to be able to fit in, to not struggle with my self and my inner world so much and to stop hating and blaming myself - though these latter parts are in hindsight I didn't know that's what I was doing ...

Quote

 I have often asked myself what I did wrong.  What was I doing so horribly wrong that this has happened to me. 

Yes I've felt like that 'a lot', beating myself up .. I must have somehow deserved it .. Why me .. And yes why me indeed ... But I've learnt over time and being here that it's not just me there are so many more 'unfortunately' who were mistreated and have been left with a lot of scarring.
For many years I felt like a bad person a really bad person I now know this to be part of the scarring and its label 'shame'. I've read a lot about shame and how it manifests ..

Today I don't feel like the above - since I got in recovery for an eating disorder and then Starting working with a child trauma specialist the healing has really come on ...
I believe for each one of us we absolutely can heal well from the past - in my experience it takes dedication , lots of exploring and to keep on finding the right things for each at any given time -
Beating myself up is not an option today and the shame has thankfully lifted - I mean it may come back who knows but today I don't feel like a bad person ...

We didn't do anything wrong - misfortune happened - and healing well can occur - I'm 42 yrs now and I just feel like I'm really gaining who I am - I'm not suggesting that it will take u as long as me :) and I'm still a work in progress ( of course ) but I know the worst is over and whatever u are feeling there is always ways to grow and heal

Ps hope u don't mind me saying but someone saying ' you are only reaching out so you get attention is just not helpful -
We need compassion and people who understand and can support us ...
And yes dam right we need attention - lots of it - we are in intensive care for serious trauma
All best wishes to you
This forum has been super great for me :)
Title: Re: New
Post by: Lifecrafting on August 11, 2015, 10:16:15 PM
Boatsetsailrose,
Quote
And yes dam right we need attention - lots of it - we are in intensive care for serious trauma

I never thought about caring for myself this way; I love that you share this with so much empathy for yourself and others. Thank you!
Title: Re: New
Post by: IFeelSoAlone on August 11, 2015, 10:55:10 PM
Thank you Boatsetsailrose for your kind words.  I think that for me, one of the hardest things with the healing process is placing the anger that I do have in the correct direction.  I would much rather hate myself for letting this happen to me then to believe that my parents didnt protect me.  I tried os many times in many different ways to tell them what was going on in the house.  However, like most kids I was not believed.  I know better than to think that they truly thought I was lying because there was one time when one of my brothers was in the middle of abusing me and my mom walked in.  She looked and then just turned around and walked out. Later that night she told me I need to not play so rough with my brothers or I was going to get hurt.  *! 

I know that it is okay to be mad at my parents, but I feel bad for doing so.  My mom passed away unexpectedly on November 21st, 2013 at the age of 55.  She is not here to defend herself so what right do I have to say things that she cannot defend?  I know that you would think that my mom and I were at odds pretty much all the time and not close.  For the most part after I graduated from high school and moved out (not my choice, mom and dad were divorcing and neither of them really wanted me to live with them) we didnt talk a whole lot.  Once I got pregnant though for some reason we became much closer. We were actually starting to be a loving mother and daughter, and then all the sudden she was gone. As for my dad, when I graduated he moved out of state to go live with his new girlfriend.  I have seen my dad I think twice maybe three times in the last 11 years.  Even if I wanted to try to talk to him about it, it wouldnt matter.  He really doesnt want to talk to me or to stay in contact at all.  I mean the only reason he found out that he had a granddaughter was because I called and told him the day after she was born.

As for my three brothers, I just within the last 6 months have completely cut off contact with them.  I dont know why I was trying to stay in touch but I did.  Then I realized that they are likely part of the reason I cannot try to heal, like they are holding me back.  Each time I would see them I would get even more flash backs and things would get really bad in my head.  I also came to the conclusion that I didnt want them anywhere near my daughter.  If they were willing to do what they did to me then what would stop them from trying it with her.  * no!  Honestly since I cut off contact I feel like it gives me the space that I need to work on me.  Granted, it is not any easier when it comes to flashbacks, but at least I can try to heal. 

I realize that I have a very long road ahead of me and honestly that scares the * out of me.  I feel so alone, so afraid.

sorry that this was so long but it was all in my head and needed to come out.
Title: Re: New
Post by: Indigochild on August 11, 2015, 11:28:34 PM
Hi Ifeelsoalone

Welcome to the forum.
Your name says it all, and I'm sure there are many others on here who can relate to feeling alone.

I am sorry that you have never found the support you need with your therapist and husband.
Im sorry your alone and that you have had to deal with these horrible horrific ordeals yourself.
It sounds like something in you wants to fix what happened, which is impossible, but you can fix how you respond to the rest of your life, with the right help.

What a brave lady for keeping going for your little girl. That is admirable.
Hopefully you can in the end say that you kept going for yourself, and for your own little girl inside of you.

And what a slap in the face for people to acuse you of wanting attention. There is noting wrong with wanting attention anyway, I'm sure you are craving and desperate for some sort of positive attention, for you to be treated with positive regard, as it doesnt seem you have very much of that. So you are very brave for posting here.

Did you know that feeling misundersood and that you dont fit in, is a symptom of sexual abuse, as well as wondering what *you* did wrong, when in fact you did *nothing wrong.*

I know that you didnt ask for this to happen to you and it would be simply crazy ill logic for anyone to presume that you did.
They obviously have no clue what they are talking about if anyone were to think this, i certainly dont think this.

There is a section on here in the Emotional flashbacks section and sexual abuse is one of the headings in which it can be discussed.

I do hope you find the  support you are looking for here.
Welcome  :hug:
Title: Re: New
Post by: KayFly on August 12, 2015, 02:19:58 AM
Hey IFeelSoAlone,

I'm really glad you are here. Sorry to hear about such a terrible past, and how hard it is for you now.  I was sexually abused by my mother and father (which came with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse), and also raped later in life.

Sexual abuse is HARD to work through, but you are not alone here and I think you will find that how unfairly you have been treated, will be validated on a whole new level.

Indigo said:
Did you know that feeling misundersood and that you dont fit in, is a symptom of sexual abuse, as well as wondering what *you* did wrong, when in fact you did *nothing wrong.*

I didn't know that. Yesterday I had a breakdown on this website (I am new here), because I also had it in my head that I was just "craving attention" or whatever, but that's not the case here. We are all in need of support, and we all are so worthy and deserving of that support.

I hope you find safety and comfort in here and bravo for reaching out to the support you need :applause:

I am glad you are here  :hug:

*K
Title: Re: New
Post by: IFeelSoAlone on August 12, 2015, 09:47:11 AM
Thank you KayFly for sharing with me even a glimpse into your past.  For me I have always felt that it taboo to talk about what went on in my past.  I was always made to feel like if I talked about it then everyone will think that it is my fault.  I didn't know any better, I thought when I was young that this happened in every family, so why would I mention it to anyone else? I was made to feel that I was dirty, deserved what I went through for some reason or another.  For me to come here and discuss my past is something that I am very VERY nervous about for fear of judgement.

Each day is a battle that I have to fight and each day I am unsure of how far I will get knocked down (seems to be more often than not).
Title: Re: New
Post by: KayFly on August 12, 2015, 01:05:42 PM
Hey IFeelSoAlone

I know exactly what you are talking about. It was literally beaten into me that if I ever told, I was gonna get hurt or killed. So I blocked it out of my head.  Later as I remembered again, I began to get therapy, and eventually estranged myself from my birth family.

I realized I don't need people who hurt me anymore. For awhile I started talking about the abuse all the time and I found myself confiding in the wrong people. I was needing so much to be heard.

I understand how scary it can sometimes be to talk about something that was made out to be taboo. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You are in a safe place now. Everyone here is a blanket of support to fall into. No one will judge you here as we have gone through similar feelings and experiences.

Im sorry your pain is so deep and so hard  :hug: I know the feeling of having the abuse so deeply ingrained. SA is hard when it comes from your family of origin. Luckily you are not alone and there are many tools to recovery.

I'm glad you're in therapy and that you reached out here, and are doing everything you can to move forward.

I don't know if you know of the book, but Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Srviving to Thriving" has been a helpful tool for many of us here. Im almost done reading it...

He talks about that feeling you described , getting knocked down, as two steps forward, one step back and he explains why it is normal and part of recovery. You are making great steps. I hope you find a safe haven of sorts here. You are so brave. Big big  :hug:
Title: Re: New
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on August 12, 2015, 05:38:19 PM
Thank u for sharing I feel so alone

I really can identify with the 'feeling bad' that you talk of regarding being angry ..
I had this too -- I was bought up in a sit still, do as you are told and don't show any emotion house and expression didn't come easy for me as an adult
That shame stuff twists and turns and aided me to remain trapped -
And then I put down alcohol and the flood gates opened I was so angry and now I look back I'm glad I went through that time -
I hear people talk of people who have passed and don't feel able to express ill feeling -

I've been times of feeling like a bad person - yes definitely - starting to believe I am a good person was so liberating ' I am good enough
Re it being a long road ahead I can share that it has been important for me to take it literally one day at a time
Also, vast healing has happened for me in a short burst so anything is possible -
I do believe if we put the recovery work in it pays dividends sometimes slowly sometimes quickly

Lastly - I totally get that - love for a parent and the opposite -
My mother and I had the better times when I went back as an older adult for a short time - she hugged me age 35 for the first time in my life ( well that I can remember and it felt for a few days that we connected women to women -
That women broke my heart with her abusive way and I grieved and grieved
But when it finally came to say ' enough is really enough I cannot have a relationship at all - part of me was released and as you point to I was then able to start my proper healing journey - that was 7yrs ago now and it has been quite a journey ..
Some major major lows ( depression desperation - lots of healing - wonderful life experiences and travel - but most of all the return to me who I was always meant to be all along -
For me it's a spiritual journey and I wouldn't trade it for anything ..
Our experiences can I believe push us to be deep, loving and creative people.. Humans who have vast compassion and inner strength -
I've gone from * and back and * again and I know 100% * is behind me never to be revisited -
Reclaiming our insides to function healthily has been my sole task

Once we share with each other I feel we become part of the human race we are suddenly in the innings for feeling better -
Being frightened and alone are ok feelings to have too - for me it's always been about feeling what I am feeling and trying to develop a part of me that says its ok you are going to be ok - one day it won't be this tough ...
Title: Re: New
Post by: IFeelSoAlone on August 13, 2015, 07:19:37 PM
I just don't understand why it is so tough.  Logically I understand why it is so difficult, but I cannot get the rest of me to figure that out.  I honestly refused to believe that what happened to me really happened until just a few years ago. I felt like if I talked about it then it was real, which it was very real. Once all the flashbacks started though I just couldn't deny it anymore.  Each day, it is like waking up in the middle of a horror movie, with the difference being that you have no control over it.  There is no pause, or stop, just the terrifying play. 

As for growing up in a house where you show no emotion, I had that too, so I can relate.  In our house the worst emotion you could show was sadness.  If you cried, then whatever you were crying about was guaranteed to get worse (never thought that was possible).  So growing up I made sure I only cried when I was alone and silently. I would often lock myself in my closet and cry there, and only a few times was I found.  When I was found though, it was BAD (not going into detail because I cannot handle that).

Now as a adult the emotion that I use as a cover is anger.  For me it is so much better to be angry than show whatever real emotion there is.  I feel like that if I cry then I am showing that I am weak, and someone will take advantage of that.  I am very lucky that my husband is supportive and understands that when I am angry it is likely because I am really hurting.  I feel like a bomb a lot of the time, pressure (sadness) building and building until it is just too much and I explode.
Title: Re: New
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on August 14, 2015, 05:57:01 AM
I was just this minute having a conversation with someone about anger and pain ...
Yes that denial was there for me in varied forms and I can see it was trying to protect me -
As time has gone on seeing enough to work with and gaining support to start to make sense of 'the inside jungle'

Psychological damage is confusing - I still get glimmers of 'was it really that bad ' ? 'Am I just making it up, blowing it out of proportion ...
But now I know the answer is yes it was that bad - the effects have been devastating on my life ...
When I expressed anything as u point to I got bad consequences - even when I expressed illness
I was a quiet child and I discovered food addiction as a way to cope so would hide in my bedoom and eat - it felt good

I can relate to the present day anger that you describe - for me it's been about learning the middle ground ( emotional regulation stuff and compassion for self -
My learnt pattern is hide and fix on something ( numb out) and get low mood or shout and then feel guilty -
It's very current for me at the moment that I am learning a new way - ( I've had enough of shouting and being low ) fighting . I am learning to feel my feelings and hang back - talk - write - do something physical and then approach things in a less emotional state - as u point to the anger as a consequence of another emotion - pain fear etc .. Learning to accept where I am at and my current experience is a new thing for me and it feels good - I'm not so reactive and it feels I am growing
Hating ourselves for symptoms of cptsd is fruitless and detrimental and I feel v grateful to have people the forum therapy and books to aid me in understanding I have a condition which needs to be treated and cared for just like any illness - learning that I am not a bad person has been a vast key in the door
I believe we can have control over the symptoms and start to heal it just is a process with the right support
Best wishes
Title: Re: New
Post by: IFeelSoAlone on August 14, 2015, 07:24:52 AM
For the longest time I would always bottle my emotions, and I actually still tend to so this.  However, much like you I have also tried practicing a better way to direct my emotions rather than just lash out.  I love to write, and though I am sure I could write an entire novel by now, I love to write poetry.  Ever since I was in high school I have written probably close to 150 poems. Some of them are dark and frightening when it comes to the topics, others are hopeful.  What is written is a reflection of the emotion that was going on at that time in my life.

As for the hating myself, I have that. I feel like I did something to deserve what happened to me, and I hate myself for doing whatever it was that made it that way.  Again, there is plenty that I understand logically, but still have yet to actually believe.  I beat myself up for everything and I take the blame for so many things just because it saves arguing, and others from reaping the consequences  I am glad that was my choice.