Hi
Wasn't sure where to put this post - so if it needs moving that's ok
Due to cptsd I have been held back in my relationships only choosing emotionally unavailable men -
Not saying I haven't been unemotionally available but actually I think it's more I've been too emotionally available
I am leaving him -
It's been 4 yrs with a lot of difficult feelings and suppression..
I've finally woke up
I can see clearly that I have been repeating this pattern to replay my foo being unavailable and me being care taker , nurse , counsellor and general pacifier - not thinking of my own needs - thinking of others -
I finally feel I have played this pattern enough now - I've truly woken up to the choices I have made and the emptiness I have been trying to fill - staying in the end for security
This time I feel absolutely 'done' no more Nader .
I don't know what the future holds and I don't need to know ( because it's today :)
But I do know that today I shall learn about me and cptsd and how to work with it with the new found awareness I am experiencing
When people have said 'need to love yourself first ' I've never really got that but now I do
Compassion for myself and who I am - no secrets - no hiding - me -
I've never really thought about what my principles are for what I need and deserve in relating - I've just always felt 'less than ' when things arnt right and it has fed into shame
I'm changing and I feel I have more dignity than ever - an integrity I have never felt before -
It feels good like a birth right
I've spent so much of my life feeling less than - it's time now for that to be an old story not the new one
I'm fearful of sitting and splitting up
With man - it could get ugly ( my fear ) but I have support and it feels right to do it face to face and be clear -
'I am ending the relationship ' it feels more than the present it feels like I am cutting some binds to the past too -
I deserve equality in my relationships and relating I can see that now fully -
Be cautious in the future and to stay steady within myself that emotional regulation stuff
I'm so grateful to be able to talk here and to be listened to
Thank you
I commend you for taking the reigns now that you feel up to it! :thumbup:
Tip off the hat to you! :applause:
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on August 18, 2015, 05:51:35 AM
I'm fearful of sitting and splitting up
With man - it could get ugly ( my fear ) but I have support and it feels right to do it face to face and be clear -
Take care and be safe. Don't hesitate to walk to your support if need be.
QuoteI don't know what the future holds and I don't need to know ( because it's today :) )
That's such an awesome concept, isn't it? I'm just starting to embrace it myself, so I relate.
One mantra that has helped me through similar events recently is:
"I am already doing the right thing." It has helped me to regain calmness when the inevitable stress seemed to get a hold of me.
I wish it may be of an aid to you too.
You go Girl! :applause:
Good for you. we are here to support you.
On all our journeys there come times when the essential "you" part needs to be rescued from its hiding spot. Recognizing that is step 1, and the rest will come, perhaps with trepidation and fear; but finding that "you" part and recognizing that its survival is at stake needs to be honoured.
Wishing you the best!
BoatsetsailRose :hug:
Getting up and leaving a relationship is a really hard thing to do. It can bring up so many confusing emotions (after...in my experience) but it sounds like you really know yourself, understand your own accountability as well as your partner's roll.
I really commend you for all of your dedication and hard work in coming to this insight, and awareness about yourself and I am proud of you for following your heart instead of doing the, comfortable, secure thing :applause:
I see really good things in your future. We are here as a blanket to fall back on, as a 4 year relationship may take some pain in getting through, but again I am really proud you have taken the time for you. You are a gem.
Best,
K
Thank u all very much ! :wave:
Dutch uncle
Quote ' I am already doing the right thing ' yes ! Lovely - perfect - plugs straight in -
Don't hesitate to walk to your support if need be - is v good to hear - I'm in another city to do this ( old home town ) and so ill be leaving to go home via train - I have lot of phone support as I'm in 12 step programmes - so yes keep age is good to hear that's my fear - he will blow up
Woodsgnome - I really feel that finding. The me part - it's like I've woken up and a huge shift has happened - it feels historical and even generational also
kayfly what a lovely warm and kind response - thank you :hug:
Yes it's an up and down experience in the emotional department !
Yep it's a life time dedication hey ! The past few months have been phenomenal - in recovery for eating disorder ( developed as a child and also work with trauma therapist - I can't believe the help and support that has been given to me
Yes I've always tried to follow my heart and not live in something because fear keeps me there -
Feels like the universe blows a wind when it's time to change -
You are right 4 yrs is a long time - I've put my life and openess on hold in some ways and I feel so excited with the forthcoming to be free - yet alas I am preparing for the tough emotions and the grief - but hey who knows maybe I've grieved - not sure
One thing I know is that next time I shall be more integrated in myself and there will be no more 'losing myself' in romance - there has been too many years not being present for me -
All best wishes and may we each keep building to strengthen our freedom and happiness
Ps I find the support here so liberating
BoatsetsailRose,
I find your choice inspiring,
I have done it so much before...
But not with the awareness you have...You have so much to offer
Feels like the universe blows a wind when it's time to change -
Yes. I hope you find much empowerment in your life change.
Ditto to all of the above comments and well wishes!
QuoteI'm changing and I feel I have more dignity than ever - an integrity I have never felt before
Standing tall, Boatsetsailrose, breathing in all that is you... It is your birthright. You go get it!
Thank you very much -
I am touched by the positivity and character building in this post !
What a kind empowering group of people we are :)
I read somewhere that this recovery journey produces such a depth to people and the abilities to be empathic and connect with others . I forget this sometimes and see my sensitivity and empathic way in a bit of a negative. I also just think that everyone is like me and of course it is not the world is made up of so many different types .
Got me wondering how many of us here in recovery are creative ?
Thank u Kayfly I am starting to see I do have a lot to offer .. Always just viewed myself as less than and this has shifted - not to a place of ego but to a place of genuinely being able to have awareness of my ability to grasp being human . How much I've learnt through experience and how I have absorbed the right things along the way to aid healing ..
It seems many of us here come from this place - to re build ourselves as life crafting says 'it's our birthright -
Wonderful, Boatsailrose! A cup of chamomile tea to you!
Hello
So today was the day - it was horrible
I was much more emotional than I expected and was angry and crying at the same time . There was a scene in the kitchen and I flashed back to my own mother and father and it was intense. Yet I got to really experience that this pattern was replaying and a sense that the cord is cut - pattern has gone -
Odd yet good
Ex was very odd in his dialog ( not that he wasn't before ) but I got to see how emotionally damaged he is ( prob has cptsd but is older than me 63yrs and seems more intrenched ( may not be true but it seems that way )
But I went for what I planned - to speak face to face and I heard myself say the words firmly ' I have been bought to this place - I cannot be in this anymore
A sad day
Calls and texts after ( deleted them ) shock and blame
I just feel done with trying to work anything out anymore -
I know I played a part in it and have my own dysfunction and he has a right to be upset and blame -
Blame such a fruitless exercise -
No one can be changed people tell me and now I know that to be true -
I can only change myself and so on to the next part of life
But for now rest and plenty of it
Thank u for listening and being here
( ready through this post again has helped me tonight
Best wishes
I'm sure this was very hard. When I was pre-divorce I read this book called the Uncoupling. It explained what I was going through very well. I had uncoupled and moved on, at my own time and space, but now he was being uncoupled and it was all new for him. It was hard to see him go through what I had been going through for some time. I felt a little guilty that I was so much more prepared for this parting than he was. But I knew it had to be done and it was never going to be easy at any point. We both have moved on now and have a civil relationship when we see each other. For a while after the break up though it was hard. He would call and want to go out to eat or do something and I had to say no. Keeping that contact like that would only give him false hope and drag the separation out. So, I know this is hard and no matter how much you prepare it still hurts on some level. That will get better though and I hope he gets the support he needs to help him through this.
Thank you trace
Yes I've been preparing for a long time !
Re shock for him - I have been open about my unhappiness and the issues - we had a few wks separation after Christmas - nothing changed after and so the past 6 mths have been hard and harder
Yes uncoupling - for me I'm ready and relieved -
This has to be the last dysfunctional relationship I have - I don't have room for another one
I made the decision to work at releasing any guilt - it is just self hatred and I can't be in that - he couldn't take responsibility for the problems and so I was led to a place where I just couldn't be in it anymore -
I know I gave it my best and tried to make it make
What support he gets and how he copes I leave to him and the universe
He is an adult
For me it's about taking care of myself, getting what i need and the support
I have grown up a lot in this relationship and feel more integrated and stronger
Yes I've already made decision - no contact - it's only about holding on - dragging it out -
Clean break required that's the only way the healing can take place
Thank u for your reply
Best wishes
Sounds like you are doing well with this break. I wish you lots of happiness with your new life, and hopefully if another relationship is in your future it will be the one of your dreams.
I'm a bit at a loss for words.
My condolences, well done.
Is that fitting?
Hang in there, boatsetsailrose. :thumbup:
Very fitting Dutch uncle :)
Feels just like that - one minute sad the next dancing round the garden saying to the sky 'I'm free'
Free - from that dysfunction -'the one I know so well '- foo
The one I started to see really freely in me and get to know -
People pleaser /- nurse- carer - master of 'don't look at what u need keep quiet, accept and serve
If I take care of others emotions hard enough, well enough and long enough they will love me -
Jesus ( sorry Jesus
Learning no means no and yes means yes
Not saying it doesn't matter it's ok - don't worry about me
And then comes flip side Emma - the tantrums - the control - the low moods
Oh gee exhausting -
Foo may your binds be broken enough to set me free - surely it's time - 20 yrs of self development - come on it must be time -
Tread carefully now -
Stay close to me
For I am the one
Who can really set u free
( written by me for me
Beautiful. Very touching.
So touching and extremely inspiring. :hug: So proud of you for having the courage to do what you knew was the right thing. Very much wishing you a happy future. I think it is definite. :yes: All the work you have done and the growth that has taken place. Now you are getting to reap the rewards. :hug:
Fairyslipper
Thank you :)
It's been a week now since the split ... I feel like a different person ! At this point I feel so happy to be single and focus on ME
Also branching out in the world ( I closed my life down in that relationship ) .. Learning to relate with others in a more healthy way is def the theme of the moment .. Simple things like showing enough of my self and being heard - making eye contact and being present ..
Not being that shame as much and not feeling the guilt for taking up 50% of the space - those things have been a massive part of my past but I feel that they have finally moved out !
I can't say I am without fear - social anxiety still prevalent - but I am doing life anyway -
At the moment I am working with allowing myself to be happy and not ruled by the fear that 'it' s not really ok to be happy- I don't really deserve it and something bad is going to happen anyway
All tapes from the past -
Foo didn't like me being happy - chatty - taking up space
Feel a bit angry writing that - foo took up SO much space
Reclaiming ourselves by seeing clearly how the past affects our present is by far the most liberating thing I've experienced in my life -
Cutting those binds - seeing them for what they are - and not living in a way that is ruled by them
Today
I am enough
I am good enough
I am normal
I am worthy of being loved by others
I like me
People like me
I can goof up
I can be heard
I have real confidence
My integrity is good
I am humble where needed
I love and value my life
I live in trust
I have faith
The past is being laid to rest a little more each day
first time i have read this thread, and o my word, it has blown me away, boatsetsailrose! :applause: you really are quite something, and i bet you don't even realise it.
just remembering my own breakup (after 20 yrs abusive marriage to what i now think was NPD husband). I guess i could have left before, but i had two (three but one died at 15 months) kids and husband was disabled so i was his full time carer. but i remember the guilt even tho the kids were grown and flown. am only just beginning now after nearly five years to discover what you are talking about here, and it's a much slower process than i would like.
you sound so positive and courageous i just wanted to applaud you for that. :yes: :applause:. seriously, you've really inspired me.
keep going, keep safe and keep sharing. :hug:
Thank you arpy :)
Well much of my progress is down to 12 step recovery programmes not my own making - but yes it's taken / takes lots of action !
He sent me an e mail today ( a long one ) and it was full of his feelings ( which he very rarely shared b4 when it came to how he felt about me - And gratitude for what I have given him ( he very rarely expressed thanks for anything I did in the relationship -
And reading it created even more guilt on top of what I was already feeling - then I was just angry ' I don't want him to contact me anymore '
Then I realised that the guilt of 'I broke up with him was futile and I found a new strength from somewhere and thought 'yes I did break up with him - I wasn't happy for a long time and I got out - Horray !!
I'm going to speak with my sponsor tomorrow and ask her opinion on how to put a boundary in with him -
It's been a week of messages and it's just not helping anyone as far as I can see
He was 20 yrs older than me and had health issues and yes I can relate to your past situation - I was in the carer role - I hated it !!
Don't know how people do it for a long time - I think our age gap didn't help -
So onwards and upwards for us all :)
yeh, i hear you, my ex is 14 yrs my senior, not an issue at first until he got sick.
carer role, yeh, i became what i had to be to keep him happy becos when he wasn't it was emotionally horrendous, champion sulker, heavy vibes, like living in treacle. not good for the kids, so we all worked very hard to keep him happy.
i would agree, firm boundaries re him and communication are gonna be a life saver... just a little heads up, just in case: when i finally drew my boundaries (only took 20 yrs :doh:) i had a whole gamut of behaviours - Mr Nice, Mr Nasty, Mr Needy, Mr Sick, Mr Angry, Mr Martyr, Mr Dominant Male, to name just a few. thank god he wasn't the violent type. hope u can keep clear of anything like that, but if not, that's where ur boundaries will be invaluable.
anyway, respect, Boatssr, :bighug: :yourock:
Thank you arpy 1
Yes !
Quote 'champion sulker - heavy vibes -
My my all the time - until he decided he would come out of it ' 'are u depressed I would say 'no' he would reply -
Ignoring me for hours - I always thought his pain was bad but at times I learnt it was low level -
No gratitude for what I did or my feelings 'I'm not going to feel bad about my condition '
His giving to me seemed to always be an after thought - a 'oh I better give something now so it never felt like genuine giving
And yes !!
Quote Mr nice and Mr poor me are out at the minute
What an as s
I'm going to pick my belongings up in 3 wks and will be glad when that is done -
Ill be glad when it's all done - time has moved on and he is a memory of the ex
I've agreed with my sponsor 1 year of no relationship -
Time for me and to firm up my edges and let down my 'this is what I deserve for any future liaison -
Never ever to repeat the giving up myself for someone else - not in the way I have in the past
Horray to freedom
Glad you got out too
Best wishes
oh boy! r u sure we weren't married to the same guy all that time??????? ???
Boatsetsailrose, your sharing during this transition in your life is inspiring to me - it has helped me come to terms with some of my own stuff:
QuoteTread carefully now -
Stay close to me
For I am the one
Who can really set u free
I have a serious lack of trust in myself - very hard to deal with. When I read these words, they reached me. Thank you.
QuoteHis giving to me seemed to always be an after thought - a 'oh I better give something now so it never felt like genuine giving
This also speaks to me of lacking trust in my feelings. Why does his thoughtfulness, his giving... feel fake to me - why does it feel like it lacks substance? I have been running these words around in my brain for a few years now knowing that his "giving" has been, as you put it, an afterthought. Intellectually, I know this but I haven't really wanted to look at it - to feel it because I haven't trusted myself to know what to do with it. So today, inasmuch as I still don't know exactly what to do, I have, through reading your thoughts/experiences, a new platform from which to work.
Boatsetsailrose, I applaud your commitment to yourself and your willingness to share with us all you've been through and I look forward to hearing about your new adventures in the months to come!
Hello life crafting
Thank you for your sharing.
I find that is the wonderful thing about sharing here that we experience similar and can learn from each other. And I find that when I read back to myself what I wrote previously and then someone puts some perspective on it - it affirms to me that 'I am really recovering, this is good stuff !
Quote ' I have a serious lack of trust in myself'
Yes I understand just what that is like - and makes sense - not being affirmed for a long time and not developing that within us -
It's like 'is what I am feeling right ? Relevant ? Real ?
Have to say after coming out of this last relationship I really can see how much I have grown -
And working with the child trauma therapist - that sense of validating my experiences and having some more compassion and ability to say 'this is how I feel'
That low sense of worth has been a minefield to work with - it is shifting now
Being in a u forfilling relationship is miserable - and that little I did get is what I clung onto until I just was all out and didn't love him anymore -
In other respects he was a good friend and would listen to me and that was something I was missing in my life
I've learnt now that the more I can be and love me anyone else is a bonus not the giving what I don't own
Quote ' to feel it as I haven't known what to do with it '
Yes it it's the awareness isn't it and then the acceptance
Feelings can be SO overwhelming for us -
I really believe in that premise of 'we attract what we are ' and so for me attracting someone who was emotionally unavailable was always going to be the case taking into account of where I was at..
As I became more emotionally available for me and got honest there was no going back - starting to develop a sense of self worth and what I wanted
People keep saying 'oh it must be really hard ' ( being out of the relationship ) and I'm like 'no really it's not it's great :)
Says it all really
So yes treading carefully is very important to me right now -
I'm 42 yrs old - I'm done with messing up
All best wishes to you - keeping the focus on our recovery is so important ! I mean what else is there from it stems the quality of our lives