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Welcome to OOTS - New Members Please Start Here => New Members => Introductory Post => Topic started by: Bluevermonter on October 10, 2014, 04:24:51 AM

Title: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: Bluevermonter on October 10, 2014, 04:24:51 AM
I am here to learn from all of you.  And to let go of the good times and bad times in our r/s.  She is 66 and I am 60.  We were together for 20 years.   When things went wrong with us, actually not very often except in the last year, I would tell her she was punishing me for all the bad stuff that happened when she was a child and into her 30's.

I have nc w her, but that is not my choice.  She told me she loved me but never wanted to see or hear from me again.

Thanks to ootf, I found Pete W's book about surviving to thriving and have used it as a study guide.  I am hoping to find a way to let go of the good and bad memories of our r/s so that I don't go mad.
Title: Re: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: schrödinger's cat on October 10, 2014, 07:36:13 AM
Hi Blue, and welcome. I'm sorry to hear that your partner broke up with you. I hope you'll find something helpful here.
Title: Re: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: Rain on October 10, 2014, 11:22:32 AM
Welcome, Bluevermonter.

Like Cat said, I'm sorry for your loss of your long-term partner.   Has she been officially diagnosed or is she / or has been ever in therapy?

Just a wild guess here, really wild guess, but maybe she is opening into all this pain from her past and in her unconscious way may be "trying to protect you" as the rage, etc. from her childhood past is coming up in her.

You are here for your own healing, as it should be.  We can only change ourselves.   Have you been diagnosed with CPTSD, or like me, saw your symptoms and solutions in Pete's book?

Title: Re: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: Kizzie on October 10, 2014, 06:50:35 PM
Hi and welcome Blue.  I so sorry to hear that you GF has left, but glad to see you are trying to help yourself get through it in a self-compassionate way.

If you're reading Pete Walker's book you'll likely develop some really good insights as to why you GF behaved as she did. Was she able to see that she had problems relating to her past that were influencing her in the present?  Had she ever gotten a diagnosis from a physician or therapist?  I ask because those of us with CPTSD have bucket loads of guilt and blame we struggle with, many of us think we are the problem (defective, worthless, crazy), rather than knowing and accepting that we have a psychological injury.

There is a forum for people in your situation "When Someone in Your Life has CPTSD" that you may want to post in when you're ready.  There aren't too many others there who are dealing with a loved one with CPTSD just yet, but many of us with CPTSD try and make posts that help to see things from our perspective. 
Title: Re: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: Bluevermonter on October 10, 2014, 08:20:42 PM
Thanks to all for responding.  Rain, you could be right, as she mumbled something once about working on her mom kissing her on the lips.  Shortly after that, I think many triggers entered her life--she was turning 65, wondering what she would do when she retired, how we would get along.  She put a lot of stress on herself w these thoughts, then my usual stuff- forgetting something at the grocery store, rolling my eyes over her controlling OCD, didn't help.

She has PTSD and OCD dx, and sought therapy throughout her life.  She might have gotten onto a plateau and couldn't go further, or just decided it was easier to sc me. All of the t we did in the last year was about how my behavior upset her and how I needed to behave according to her script so I wouldn't scare her.  She has much book knowledge about behavior, but could easily dismiss her issues.

After reading Pete's book, I know I have issues but not c-PTSD, and can identify w fawn types.  My mom and extended family had narc, depression, and bipolar issues, but at the end of the day, everybody loved each other.  So that whatever emotional abandonment and neglect was there was made up for with loving behaviors.

My ex's family, was a family in name only.  Her mom and dad have passed, but she has two brothers that she has LC with, because they are so messed up, they don't communicate well.
Title: Re: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: Bluevermonter on October 13, 2014, 11:24:39 PM
Thanks for your words, bH. She has also dumped friends and plans to leave town to live in a place she has never been, thinking she will find new friends and a new life.  That new life includes bringing enlightenment to the planet.  I know she knows she is damaged, but the lessons she may have learned is to run, and not to be enlightened.  Does she feel guilt?  Shame?  I have no way of knowing.

I only wish she would have realized I would have stood by her.  I was also her best friend and she was mine.  I don't even have that.  I even would have given her space, but nothing.  Complete annihilation of one's life-and mine as incidental-- without actually dying.  She has a wonderful good side, except for this sxxx.  I have been so sad and ridiculously angry.

To help me drop this anger, I have told myself she is in prison for murder (of our life together) and whether she gets out depends on whether she does something besides self-help, acknowledges how she killed our life, and then tries to make amends.  Until then, I have to believe she will not have the life she is looking for.  This is my version of Pete walker's soul murder.  Done to her, and now passed on to me.

There is definitely a "me and only me" aspect to her behavior.  Any conscience?  Beats me . . .

One of her narc friends dumped me as well--a family violence expert who I asked for help.  While I was running today I realized my ex and this woman basically agree that friends can have "shelf-life."  Really?  To me, it's one thing when friends drift apart or move away, but to tell someone that you choose one over another.  Geez, I did that in grammar school, but learned that it hurt people so haven't done it since.

But I get it.  People in their 7th decade acting like kids.  My t said her plan to move and save the world is a teenage characteristic.

Sorry for the rant.  I wish I could talk about these things to the person who caused my pain, but you guys are stuck w it.

Thanks for listening.
Title: Re: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: Rain on October 14, 2014, 12:21:32 AM
Glad to be here for you, Blue.   Rant away.....

I just do not have words.   I don't know how you are supposed to make sense of it.

Title: Re: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: Kizzie on October 14, 2014, 05:42:53 PM
I have been so sad and ridiculously angry.

A very normal reaction to abnormal and really hurtful behaviour Blue  :hug:

One thing that came to mind when I read your post was if she does does 'dump' people and seemingly without much guilt or remorse, I wonder if perhaps she has a personality discorder rather than CPTSD?  Not diagnosing here, just suggesting a possibility because you did question whether she feels shame or guilt and wrote "There is definitely a "me and only me" aspect to her behavior.  Any conscience?  Beats me . . ."  .  That's classic PD.

Hopefully you've seen on this Board those of us with CPTSD tend to struggle to make connections with others, avoid relationships oftentimes, and then blame and shame ourselves over hurting others when we do end a relationship, and we care very much what others think.  So her behaviour to my untrained eye looks to be more characteristic of a PD than CPTSD imo.  Childhood abuse and neglect underlie PDs as well. Can't remember if you've been over to the Out of the FOG site yet but it may be worth a gander.
Title: Re: A former partner of a cptsd
Post by: Bluevermonter on October 16, 2014, 12:08:44 AM
BH, I cried reading ur post.  You are kind to be so honest.

Kizzie, thanks for the hug!   she is diagnosed OCD and PTSD.  But also fits a lot of char of narcissism, and lord knows what else.  Would not be surprised to learn that she was diagnosed NPD but would not share it w me.

So, I feel great compassion for one so damaged--and I would have done my part to help.  But blaming me was easier.

I have to leave it to the universe to resolve this.  And I won't repress my anger.   :pissed:  She had to as a kid, or mom would fall on the floor and have a tantrum.  I don't want to destroy the happy person that I am.

Wish the anger would go away so I could be that happy person again.  In time . . .