For someone who's being
!Watched at 10 per cent (whatever that means), I'm not being
!Watched very closely, am I? I have only five posts on the board now. Kizzie, bless her, removed the
Self-destructiveness one -- the only one of my thread starters that I couldn't modify.
I'm having a ball with the other five, and clearly no one on the forum is !Watching. I can write at great length, as I did yesterday. And I'm encouraged by the 10 per cent, because yesterday it was 15 and the day before it was 20. This suggests that when a couple more days have passed I won't be
!Watched at all
by Storm moderators. After yesterday's tirade against C. I expected to find I'd been Banned and locked out of the forum today. But no, here I am. Provided no one stumbles across one of my five threads
and replies to it or
reports it, I can go on modifying indefinitely. Also, I spent much of yesterday racked with guilt over
that post. I'm fully aware the people who run this forum also have C-PTSD, and are therefore prone to going off half-cocked like I do. All I can say, C., is that if you wait a few days, that post will change. I intend to keep rewriting my five thread-starters in order over and over as I heal myself of the darkness. If I'm not discovered and banned in the meantime, I may or may not return when the Watching stops to write one more thread about how good it feels for C-PTSD sufferers to start fighting back.
But
this thread starter was originally about the Phantom, the one person I have to assume is still Watching. So Phantom, I will address you directly and continue the discussion here about
that paragraph in my email to you on September 4. Here it is again:
QuoteGiven our history, which of us has more reason to be wary of the other? You couldn't help waving your fanny at Robert even though you considered him "an idiot". Ditto with Michael, which to you was probably an improvement. Hey, you're welcome. Arranging to meet Eric when he and I were engaged. Asking to be introduced to Ananda, when he and I had been married less than a year. I'd spotted the trend by then so he knew what to expect.
I worded that very carefully, and the only unfair accusation is the first. You can't possibly know how hurt I was when you told me in 1979 that you'd had sex with Robert, presumably
in my bed. I'd invited you to stay at my place because I was going on holiday and needed someone to look after the terrapins. I know what Robert was like. How could I not? He and I had been on-and-off for seven years, beginning when I was 17, and I idolised him. But it was him I dumped at that point, never to return. I continued seeing you as normal and swallowing my pain, because ElderSis was very vocal on the subject -- and as usual, my feelings didn't count at all. Yours did, of course.
I wish you hadn't told me in 1983 about Michael. He and I were well and truly over, so there was no need for you to say anything ... unless you were continuing the relationship, which you clearly weren't. I was less upset about the fact of it than that you'd
told me. It was over for you as well; you got pregnant to someone else later that year, right? And I blew it off straight away. I remember us walking outside so you could smash one of my glasses to deal with
your anger! Once we got to the road you chose not to, we went back in and you stayed the night. As I recall, attempting to eat raw onions in my bed, then chucking them out and screaming with laughter.
I was the sibling you called when you found out you were pregnant. I immediately took a taxi from my workplace in the city to that outlying suburb, sat with you and talked you through whether you wanted an abortion or not. You were in a terrible state, crying and repeatedly saying you had to get rid of it. I was watching your hand on your belly, and seeing a different story.
Nevertheless, I called the hospital and we went there by train and tram. The taxi from the city to your place had cost me a lot of money and I was struggling with my mortgage. I remember you thought it was funny when I said the terrapins and I were usually on an involuntary fast for a week before Payment Day each month. I
knew they weren't going to operate that day; you apparently didn't. I simply didn't have the $$$ to do that trip by taxi twice in one day.
All we did was make an appointment. The nurse took me aside and said you were very distressed (as if I didn't know!), and she was glad you had a sister like me to get her through it. But what happened? Next time I rang, you said ElderSis and BIL would be taking you to hospital, adding that you couldn't face public transport. Next thing I knew, the whole episode was somehow my fault. It's possible you didn't actually say that, but I certainly heard it -- and you shut me out. You even played games. While you were staying with ElderSis and BIL you called me and said you were suicidal. Once again, I got a taxi from my place to theirs, thinking you were alone. What did I find? The three of you watching TV. I remember, incongruously, that you were in the corner nibbling on uncooked spaghetti. ElderSis took me aside and furiously told me how much trouble I was causing, and basically banned me from talking to you. Did BIL then drive me home, late at night? No, he didn't. All they did was call another taxi for me. I can't remember what that five minutes at their place cost me, but I know for a fact I couldn't afford it.
1983 was also the year I got locked up. What precipitated that? I heard from
Sonja that Mother had told her: "Southbound's always been jealous of Phantom, because she had whooping cough right after Phantom was born, and I couldn't go to her for fear of infecting the baby. It broke my heart to hear her whooping into a bucket all by herself."
Yeah, right.
Do you remember me teaching you maths? I was 11 or 12; you have always been either six or seven years younger, depending on time of year. You certainly hadn't started school. I would draw two circles, a + sign, and three more circles. You then drew five circles, and I praised you to the skies. No one said I was pushing you too hard. On the contrary, you would come to me asking to do "bubble sums", and I would drop whatever I was doing. If you indeed feel "enmeshed" with me, it was because at that age I was the closest thing you had to a nurturing mother.
So, knowing Mother was telling everyone I was out to get you, I became psychotic. I remember you bringing me the notebook and pen while I was locked up -- by far the best thing anyone did for me during those weeks. The following year I started travelling north. You will remember you showed up unannounced at one place I was living at. I don't know who gave you the address, although I can make an educated guess. That same person didn't contact me to let me know you were on your way; that would have wrecked her plan.
So I got home from work one evening to feed my dog and myself before going back to the newspaper office, and there you were with the weirdo whose house I was living in. There was no bedroom for you. Of course I
could have let you share my double air mattress on the floor, but I don't think I can be blamed for not doing so. I was doing my damnedest to get right away from FOO. You immediately started up with the accusations you call "explaining". I showed you the door, and cried as I watched you walking down the road in the rain. (Was there rain? That's the way I've always recalled it.)
Mother had exactly what she hoped for: incontrovertible evidence
for other people that I'd "always" hated you. She brought it up again at the Great Gang Bang of 91: "Phantom tried so hard to get through to you. I'll never forget the state she was in when she came back. She was heartbroken."
What a great mother! She
could have called me, or got someone else to call me, when you were on your way. How could
anyone assume I would be able to house you while I was in transit myself? Do you see now that if you were indeed "heartbroken", as I can easily believe, it was Mother who set you up for it?
Incidentally, I also had a breakdown after the Great Gang Bang of 91. That time I hid myself and contained it, determined not to get locked up again, because Dad had told the Gang Bang 'mediators' he thought I had brain damage, and cited my previous incarceration to make his point. But it was a
very rocky ride for me. It's the only explanation I can think of for taking up with Eric.
You may or may not know Eric worked in a factory. He and I went there one weekend because he had to do something; he and the boss were mates and he was free to come and go. At first I sat outside in the car, but he was gone a long time so eventually I walked in. I couldn't see him, so I went into the office (the kind that's full of big-tit posters) to sit down. Right there on the desk was a scrap of paper: "Call Phantom" -- your first name and our surname -- and a phone number.
Eric and I had a major row on the way home. We were engaged, right? He told me straight out that he had contacted you, and he'd already seen you. I cried non-stop for three days; I remember looking in the mirror at one point, and I've never before or since seen eyes like that on me or anyone else. Once again you'd put a spanner in the works. I'll tell you now I'm very glad I didn't marry him for all sorts of reasons, but you can't expect me to thank you for that. At the time he and I were very happy. Things were never the same afterwards, and eventually we split.
Finally, asking to be introduced to Ananda. He stayed briefly with ElderSis and BIL in March 2006. It was ElderSis who told me you'd called and asked to be introduced to him, and that he'd refused to go to the phone. From ElderSis's point of view, this was my fault for whatever I'd said about you.
He was with them again on his way back to England mid-2010. This time you spoke to him, telling him you wanted him to listen to what you had to say about me. You can't possibly have forgotten
that Voice telling you: "You aren't getting into
my pants."
Your reply to me on September 7:
QuoteAlso re. That paragraph: I suspect you're feeling a whole lot better for getting it off your chest. You're welcome. If only you could have eye-balled me and spat it out 40 years ago. Better late than never. If it's helped you now then my initial email hasn't been totally in vain.
Phantom, in 1975 you were 11 or 12. I'm reasonably sure you hadn't slept with any of my partners then. The earliest I could have written that paragraph in its entirety was in mid-2010, when believe me, I had much worse stuff to contend with. I became homeless at that point, was in boarding houses or other people's spare rooms for
three years.
And what a hostile paragraph, "eyeballed and spat it out" -- considering your behaviours over 30 years and what you subsequently wrote to my T about wanting to "help" me!
Same email, two paragraphs later:
QuoteRe. Our email exchanges in 2013: (I reckon I'm Muggins!) My remarking on our profiles (and music, etc.) was my clumsy attempt to reconnect with you. [BTW, a friend gave me the album 'Dub Side of the Moon' recently, it's a hoot!] It was too hard for me to immediately engage with your dysfunctional family stuff when we've barely spoken for so long. (Eeek, bit of a JADE there!)
You acknowledge it was "clumsy". Next sentence, you do exactly the same again.
I haven't missed the fact that you're well up in dysfunctional-FOO parlance. The trouble as I see it is that you still believe
I'm the source of all your troubles. You decided I was the N in our FOO, right? In case you haven't worked it out, I see our mother as the reason there are three Disturbed daughters, none of whom provided grandchildren; and a GCbro who keeps himself
very busy with work and his FOC so he doesn't have to deal with what went wrong for all of us. Further, I long ago identified Dad as her secondary scapegoat; she convinced all of us
he was the bad guy. I know differently, because he was good to me for a very long time after I stopped seeing him and Mother. True, his main agenda was to bring me back for Mother's sake (so she could brutalise me all over again, presumably), but he offered to pay for therapy after the Great Gang Bang of 91. He rang back five minutes later and said they couldn't afford it. Nor could I, obviously, but it was a Must if I was to stay out of the psych ward. I have no doubt who "changed his mind".
As I've said to you, I was thrilled to hear from you at the beginning of 2013. Until that point you could have got a giant hug (and no doubt tears) from me at any stage.
Your most recent email, October 23:
QuoteRe. Our recent email contact: You think I'd want to hurt or have a go at you? Why on earth would I want to?
[snip]
What on earth do Mum's alleged smear campaigns consist of? You seriously believe she has that much power?
Signs of hysteria: "Why on earth..." "What on earth..." Well gee-whiz, Phantom,
you figure it out!
You underestimate Mother, or you wouldn't still be calling her "Mum". I know she's 85, recently widowed and has osteoporosis, but as I've said before, she started on me when I was pre-verbal so I have no sympathy for her now. I would have, if she'd responded differently to our (hers and my) email exchange December 2012 to whenever she stopped replying.
And then you popped up again. Coincidence? Maybe you just saw my email address in the Christmas card I sent to her and Dad. My therapist suggested it, because I showed up to my session in tears having just heard a Christmas song Dad used to sing, and by that time I knew he had alzheimers and would never call me again.
I know Mother's capable of using the internet and of making phone calls to relatives in England. Recent contact with two of them has shown beyond doubt that they still believe everything she says about me. She could find my number in White Pages Online and call to apologise. I would prefer she not do so.
The same applies to you.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Big Brother may be watching all of us. I know for a fact that Little Sister is watching me!
oh hon, don't let the phantom pains of that particular amputated limb fool you into thinking it's still a part of you. it ain't. u had that bit cut off becos it was killing you.
do whatever you must with the email, delete it, ignore it, print it and burn it, even (not recommending this one) reply if you must.
as long as you remember, that bit doesn't belong to you any more.
you are the person who IS DOING REALLY WELL... (that isn't a shout, btw, it's more like an exclamation, a victory shout, a 'yay, go Me!' sort of thing).
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Hi Southbound,
Like the new avatar! Can relate to so much that you have written in your posts. Glad you are here.
Quote
The most empowering thing I can offer to FOO scapegoats is that you don't need anyone's love but your own.
[/b]
I am trying but I have not figured out how to do that yet. I have anxiety constantly and only recently learned that what I was experiencing throughout the day were actually panic attacks. I thought it was severe anxiety and it exhausts me, feels debilitating. In OP therapy, I discovered that I am cycling from anxiety to panic attacks throughout the day. At work, it is at least 4 to 5 times and then when I get home, it is worse and I drink in order to numb myself and go to sleep hoping that I will not wake up because I do not want to go through it another day.
I have the same addiction except the cigs. Not that I wouldn't like to smoke cigs, I have been dreaming of menthols for months. But, I know if I start, I will be addicted to those as well because of how good it will feel. Alcohol, Coffee, and Chocolate in that order. Then Mexican and Margaritas.... I stay away from the crunchy stuff because I could eat a whole bag. I can cook, or at least I used to be able too. I have not really cooked a meal in years other than preparing Thanksgiving and Xmas dinners to take to the in-laws so we actually have something good to eat. I get home too late and I am too exhausted all of the time to prepare meals through the week.
Good luck on shedding the addictions. If you can shed the one to coffee, please let me know how you did it! And, well, I see no reason to shed the addiction to chocolate ;D! What is life without chocolate.
Like you, I have decided I want to live :yes:.... Sometimes my brain does not cooperate and it is a struggle but I am working to fix that. Got to quit the drinking and keep working on self-growth, self-worth, and developing a sense of self, who I really am.
MaryAnn :hug: :hug:
Yep, that MaryAnn.... Love Gilligan and definitely identify with him. I learned everything as a kid (other than school) from TV. All of the shows from the 70's and 80's were my parents. And music, would go to bed with headphones listening to the stereo, loud enough to drown out the rest of the world.
Love your little diddy that you wrote to the Gilligan intro :thumbup:. Again, it is awful and you did not deserve to be the scapegoat at all. But you have a talent for writing about it in a catchy way that makes it not seem all that awful. I look forward to being able to put it all in the same type of perspective. I love to laugh and I have lost the desire to have fun and really laugh :rofl:. I laugh but it is really just a mechanism of dissociation most of the time so that I do not feel anything at all or to suppress a trigger :sadno:. I relate all to well to being the scapegoat. I was the first child but I was not a boy. The second was a boy and he was the goldenchild until he proved to a disappointment to his father. But, he is back in his good graces some 30 years later because he is married, has a son to continue to the family name, and attends a Southern Baptist Church. He has become his father and is his spitting image. :cheer: Yay for him. He does not have to worry, there will be no competition from his older sister to take his spot. I could not live the way he does. Narrow and judgmental, unwilling to experience or accept new ideas, lifestyles, or cultures.
You are the best Southbound. I am the only one that can do it. My T told me from the beginning that no one was going to rescue me, that I would have to rescue myself. It was hard for me at first to accept because I have always been the rescuer for so many to help them through or to manage a crisis. But I do realize now that I am the only one that can rescue me, I have to Love Myself. I am not there yet, but I am working on it. ;D
Thank you for being here!
MaryAnn
Thank you arpy1.
Yes, The Fear is still embedded in me.
The Obligation is still somewhat appealing.
But the Guilt I'm practically done with.
Thanks for your empowering, kind and inspiring words. :thumbup:
u go, gurl!! :applause: the thing with the valium? meh... wouldn't worry about that. it just shows ur new boots are a bit stiff. keep wearing em, they'll soften up and not rub so much. :hug: :hug: