According to Pete Walker:
The Inner Critic... is typically spawned in a danger-laden childhood home. When parents do not provide safe enough bonding and attachment, the child flounders in abandonment fear and depression. Many children appear to be hard-wired to adapt to this endangering abandonment with perfectionism. This is true for both the passive abandonment of neglect and the active abandonment of abuse. A prevailing climate of danger forces the maturing superego to cultivate the various psychodynamics of perfectionism and endangerment listed at the end of this article. When anxious perfectionist efforting, however, fails over and over to render the parents safe and loving, the inner critic becomes increasingly hypervigilant and hostile in its striving to ferret out the shortcomings that seemingly alienate the parents. Like the soldier overlong in combat, PTSD sets in and locks the child into hypervigilance and excessive sympathetic nervous system arousal. Desperate to relieve the anxiety and depression of abandonment, the critic-driven child searches the present, and the future, for all the ways he is too much or not enough. The child's nascent ego finds no room to develop and her identity virtually becomes the superego. In the process, the critic often becomes virulent and eventually switches to the first person when goading the child: "I'm such a loser. I'm so pathetic... bad... ugly...worthless...stupid...defective". (Reference: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm)
The Outer Critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self. It perseverates about the unworthiness [imperfection] and treacherousness [dangerousness] of others to avoid emotional investment in relationships for fear they will replicate early parental betrayals. (Reference: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf)
Books
- Embracing Your Inner Critic- http://www.harpercollins.ca/9780062111944/embracing-your-inner-critic
- Soul Without Shame - http://soulwithoutshame.com/
Articles
- Calm Your Inner Critic - http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/calming-inner-critic.html
- Calming Our Inner Critical Voices - http://forthelittleonesinside.com/calming-our-inner-voices/
- For the Little Ones Inside: Criticizing Your Self - http://forthelittleonesinside.com/criticizinf-your-selfc5/
- The Inner Critic - http://delos-inc.com/articles/The_Inner_Critic.htm
- Shrinking the Inner Critic - http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
- Shrinking the Outer Critic - http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf
Web Sites
- How The Truth Silences Inner Critics Voices and Healing Begins - http://emergingfrombroken.com/how-the-truth-silences-inner-critics-voices-and-healing-begins-by-pam-witzemann/
Thank you for posting this kizzie
Is very helpful and supportive
When you find your self criticizing your self, stop...
Ask the critic-in-you what it's so afraid of...
Then do what you can to help this old and frightened part feel safe enough to be comfortable
with you being just how you are being right now!
By Robyn Posin - http://forthelittleonesinside.com/
Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I only learned about CPTSD last night, so I'm new to my self-discovery on this stuff too. I read what you wrote here and started crying. It's like you were describing exactly what goes on in my head all the time. It feels so good to know I'm not weird or alone on this, and it really helps me understand and start accepting myself better. Thank you so much.
You are most definitely not weird (what you are experiencing are symptoms common to CPTSD, not character defects, weaknesses, or crazy parts), and you most certainly not alone any more. :hug: to you SugarPuff and welcome to OOTS.
Thank you so much, Kizzie! And a :hug: back! It's so overwhelming but such a huge relief to have found this information! I've always felt that I'm crazy and somehow innately different and weird and just "bad". Finding that CPTSD exists, and is pretty much my definition, helps me feel like it might be okay to try to not hate myself so much! And that maybe I don't have to be so scared of other people "finding out the real me" (even though I've never been able to figure out what that actually means in my head haha) and hating or being disgusted by me!
Also thank you so much for replying and welcoming me! It's such a relief that I'm not the only one who has thoughts and feelings like these!
Welcome to our forum, Sugarpuff! You are not alone and we are glad to have you with us here. Please post as often as you would like, and know that your presence helps others here as well.
Thanks Jdog! I really appreciate the welcome and it's really nice to think I could help people too! I'm so glad I found this place! It feels like a home haha, I feel like I finally have a place where people understand me! I'm sure I'll start posting more regularly soon I'm just taking in my surroundings right now! :) I really appreciate how nice everyone is here!
Hi New to this forum and site and so thankful to be here! :thumbup:
I was professionally diagnosed a few years back with CPTSD but I ironically I overlooked it because it came with a lot of other notes in the column at the time of my hospitalization.. I remember borderline with a huge ?(and after dating a BPD I definitely can self relate that I am not lol) and of course was suffering from major depression.. I wish I had really been pointed in the way of understanding CPSTD , it could of saved me some even more years of nasty self criticism! I took mental health in as not being 'strong' enough, was constantly told in my life that I was and am "too sensitive" and yet I always was so hard on myself when all I had to do was just look at the family history, the traumatic events and emotional- physical- sexual abuse that I had suffered in my life to really step back and realize I did the best I could do and that because of these events.. many of them or maybe all of them of which I had no control over ...that I would unfortunately and inevitably develop symptoms. I am becoming more aware of the self critic.. I know where she comes from now- who's voices she's using now and id like to desperately help her.. but I am also learning to be gently aware at first that she's there.. that it doesn't mean I hate myself, and that I can observe her for now in response to how I run my life. I am a chronic people pleaser .. I have constantly put others needs before my own. I also ask very little in return, I feel very strange receiving things or treating myself to nice life situations.. I am learning.. I just moved into a way nicer rental than my previous place (outhouse and 320 sq feet lol !) and it was interesting to watch my inner voice almost feel undeserving and guilty of a basic but good place to call home. anyways, glad to be here !
Quote from: Kizzie on February 02, 2016, 06:49:12 PM
When you find your self criticizing your self, stop...
Ask the critic-in-you what it's so afraid of...
Then do what you can to help this old and frightened part feel safe enough to be comfortable
with you being just how you are being right now!
By Robyn Posin - http://forthelittleonesinside.com/
this is interesting. I had only read about it sometime last week, and correct me if I'm wrong but this sounds like self-compassion? the sort of way of treating yourself as you'd treat a friend who would be feeling this soft of way.
I think you're right Tea :yes: it is about self-compassion. I always find it interesting that it's easier (for me at least) to be compassionate towards others but I had/have a difficult time being that way with myself. Something else interesting is that the more self-compassionate I become, the more compassionate I become with others. Why it doesn't quite work the same way in reverse I don't know :Idunno:
oh gosh I have somewhat the same thing! verbally, I'm not so good, but texting/messaging others compassion comes so easily to me. in my heart I know folks don't deserve the pain they're going through. but my heart seems to be confused when it comes to my own situation. :blink: whenever I try to say it out loud or even think any compassionate thoughts, I feel really emotional and start to cry. it's very confusing :stars:
Tea-
I know what you mean. I am a high school teacher and it struck me this week that my students appear to trust me when I tell them it's ok to make mistakes and that I am there to them learn and grow. My inner child has great difficulty believing that truth from adult me, however. I think the little one inside has been let down many times and it is only with much patience and repeated good treatment (along with good boundaries) that trust will be built. So puzzling, but a job well worth doing.
Couldn't agree more Jdog about a job worth doing :thumbup:
Wow... after reading the link that Kizzie posted about shrinking the outer critic I think my mind is blown...
I have friends and an amazing boyfriend but a part of me doesn't really feel comfortable or feel really connected to them....the "thought substitution" part seems like an amazing activity to try to help me feel like they are actually my friends and my boyfriend, not just distant people I spend all my time with.
Whew, thank you for posting i'm gonna go rethink my entire life now (haha)
xo -Shoshie
Finally finding this post, as I am starting to want to comabt my overactive inner critic. I read Pete Walkers description, and as I got to the list at the end I realized I can make a check mark for basically every single behavior. No wonder, this is such a strong struggle right now.
Thank you for these resources Kizzie!
:thumbup: and :hug:
Re the inner critic and self-compassion...
This has been an epic struggle for me as well. I'm getting some traction with the idea of holding myself with the same unconditional love that I hold my own son. I visualize that child-self at 6mo's old or so and think: "This child was born whole and sound and deserving of love. I will treat him with the same love, care, and protectiveness of a father to his own son". When I can truly give myself over and believe this idea, it is incredibly powerful and healing. But it is not easy, as we all know so well how hard it is for us to feel deserving of such love. I have been committing myself intensely to this idea of self-compassion ("Radical Acceptance", as Tara Brach says it) for well over a year now (yet another layer of healing following decades of work). And it is only now that I have moments of truly feeling it. I sense that this is the true path, and that I have a long journey ahead as well.
Kindly,
andrew
Wow...this is a hard one. I've been trying to work on this one for a couple months now and well...feeling like a failure again. It's not that I deserve my love any less than the next person. They just deserve it more. I tell myself all sorts of fantastical things to keep this lie alive. I feel like this one just might be the one to leave alone. The one thing that I can't fix (and I can fix anything hahaha). I know there has been progress since I finally broke so bad I couldn't keep going. Like a Ponzi Scheme finally crumbling down after 30 years of avoidance and distraction. Anyhow I digress.
So we soldier on one foot in front of the other down the path. Maybe one day we will learn to love ourselves as much as we are deserving, but not today.
The Inner Critic has been with most of us a long time and ironically kept us safe when we were at the mercy of our abuser like flight, fight, freeze and/or fawn - all strategies for 'keeping our heads down' in a sense.
It becomes entrenched so it makes sense it takes time to dislodge it, reduce it to a whisper. One step at a time as you say :thumbup:
:grouphug:
Hello Kizzie,
Thank you for this. I have a ferocious inner and outer critic at the moment. I am at a point that I rather stay in my room instead of going outside, because I have a general distrust in people and also ... I don't trust myself at the moment.
Do you have any advice on what can help me going through this stage of confrontation of the trauma therapy I am going through at the moment?
Is it normal at this stage that my energy is very low?
Thank you for al your help.
:Idunno:
I am no expert, obviously, but I can share what is helping me so far. I think it was in a Youtube video, I apologize that i don't recall which one, that suggested you name and personalize your Inner Critic so it's easier to visualize telling it to shove off.
I tried it. I took this cartoon character who complains about everything and is super critical and selfish, just generally a jerk, and renamed him. I can hear his voice clearly (Richard Kind is a decent actor), so it's easy to envision who is being critical. When I catch myself being self-critical, I bring up that image and voice and (sometimes out loud if I'm alone) tell him in very blunt terms to faff off. it's helped a little bit with intrusive thoughts at bedtime, too. I just say, "That's not realistic/possible/or even likely, Carl, so shove it and let me sleep. Shut up, you have no power over me."
Ok, the last line is from Labyrinth, but still. It is kind of an empowering thing for me. So, just a thought. :) :hug:
ME low energy is really common Bodhi which is why you'll often read posts by members recommending if you're new to therapy and here that taking baby steps helps (i.e., it took time to develop CPTSD and it takes time to refuel and heal from it), destressing life when and where you can, and being OK with resting more. I also drink a lot of water to flush my system when I'm especially stressed by CPTSD because there are a lot of things like adrenaline, cortisol secreted when we under stress.
Part of why the above can help is that they signal to your Inner/Outer Critic you are taking care of yourself so they can calm down. If they're active and loud they're trying to keep you safe so demonstrating that "I got this, I am practicing good self care" can help :hug: