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CPTSD and Others => Our Relationships with Others => Friends => Topic started by: Boatsetsailrose on March 27, 2016, 09:31:16 PM

Title: How to like people ?
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on March 27, 2016, 09:31:16 PM
So I've recently woken up to my 'perfectionist traits and how that has linked to my lack of friends -
This has either manifested by having friends and dumping them when they don't meet my overly high expectations / perfectionist box or not making friends in the first place for the same reason s
I can see that I have a lot of dislike for people eg their flaws and I distance myself -
I'm wondering if this is a fear based thing - that is I fear people so I use this way of thinking and attitude to keep them at a distance -
Also I find that most people
Talk a lot - and I am not that confident and so can be quieter - hence its not equal and then I can get resentful
I have made some progress but still have way to go

It feels that it's about me building myself up and holding my ground -

Any thoughts please share /)
Title: Re: How to like people ?
Post by: Jdog on March 28, 2016, 02:00:40 AM
Hi, Boat-

For me, perfectionism is a shield (you alluded to this in speaking about keeping others at a distance) and it also keeps me at a distance from my own self.  I believe I developed this trait as a kid when I never thought I could do anything well enough to please my parents (Dad in particular).  Now that I am on a journey to see my own inherent worth and value, I am making progress in dismantling this armor.  I suggest trying to look into your own beliefs about yourself and see if you might find where this need to have everything a certain way may come from.  And do all that you can to let yourself know that you are enough and great just as you are.

Just my thoughts, take them or leave them. 

Best wishes, friend.
Title: Re: How to like people ?
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on March 28, 2016, 08:47:16 PM
Hi j dog
Oh absolutely my core issue is 'not good enough' and I have started to see how this relates to my relating to others
Quote 'do all you can to let yourself know that you are enough and
 Great just as you are '
Would u be able to share what your experience is of how you get this message in yourself -
I do affirmations - I sometimes don't feel that I can change this core belief it is so deep in me .....
Title: Re: How to like people ?
Post by: Jdog on March 28, 2016, 11:49:31 PM
You asked how I get the message across to myself in terms of self worth.  Several ways:  Saying the words internally while breathing deeply, catching myself in the act when I am about to say or do something that reflects that I feel unworthy (such as putting myself down or eating something not good for me), and in the case of my work (as a teacher), actually saying aloud, "I don't deserve to be treated this way" when kids are disrespectful.  Not sure how that translates for you.
Title: Re: How to like people ?
Post by: Flutterbye on May 09, 2016, 08:10:24 AM
relate to social isolation as a result of perfectionism Boat. For me, eventually led to such loneliness I'm now trying to overcome it. ??? my question changed from 'how to like people? to 'can anyone like me?'

that's great Jdog. thanks for sharing your real life examples. I am v lonely (friendless, family-less, significant other-less), decided to do something about that! I started a friendship group. the same stuff comes up for me, "I don't deserve to be treated like that". just because I've put the offer of friendship out there does not mean that magically all who respond will behave respectfully towards me. The perfectionist in me reacts, "this is so offensive, I can't even see the nice people who like me, I can only see the people who I feel disrespected & offended by". So I have to have some standards within myself about my self worth. What's courteous behaviour (e.g. how late can you arrive?) as opposed to rude behaviour? 15-20 mins late is ok. even 40 min is ok if you do what I'd do & say, "sorry I'm so late!" because that's genuinely what I'd say & mean it. and... Q. what perfectionistic expectations cut me off from the possibility of meeting people who like & respect me? A. expecting everyone to arrive on time (and if someone is very late, expect them to behave as perfectly as I do in the rare event that I am very late & apologise genuinely for being late). The perfectionist in me focuses only on those I feel were rude to me & not even remember the other people who I felt were friendly, kind & respectful towards me at the time.

I agree, it is not ok to be treated in ways that are not ok. when that red flag, "I do not deserve to be treated like that," comes up in my mind that is very helpful information I need to heed, don't pander to that person who offended me, don't fall into the trap of trying to win their acceptance because experience tells me that will never happen!  but also, I try not to let the perfectionist win & blind me to the other potential friends available, gotta try to see the people who indeed treated me how I deserve to be treated. why is it they seem more subtle, quieter & less significant? it's almost like it's easier to focus on the people who disrespected me than focus in the people who respected me because they might get to know the real me & reject me for real.
Title: Re: How to like people ?
Post by: Jdog on May 09, 2016, 10:12:35 PM
Flutter bye-

You are on a real journey, one which will I predict will lead to increased self awareness (it's already begun) and to getting more of what you want and deserve in relationships.  Don't worry about initially focusing upon the negative - you are correct that the people who are respectful toward us seem to fade into the background sometimes while the glaring examples of rudeness are front and center.  If you make a little effort to look for and recognize nice people in your midst, things will even out. And you can let yourself take the chance that the nice ones will accept you, not reject you! 

Yes, lateness is a difficult issue.  I find that those who constantly show up late are passive-aggressive and sometimes have no other way to assert themselves.  It's usually their issue, not yours. 

Best wishes with your friendship explorations. 
Title: Re: How to like people ?
Post by: Flutterbye on May 14, 2016, 12:33:27 AM
thanks Jdog, appreciate your kind words and encouragement  :). Hosting a small get together today so a good chance to put noticing the positives into practice.

Yes! agree extreme lateness often = passive aggression, my exbf used to do constantly. never fails to make me furious & then guilty.
Title: Re: How to like people ?
Post by: Jdog on May 14, 2016, 01:06:19 AM
Excellent!  Here's hoping your get together is really fun! It sounds like you are really putting some great ideas into action!