Here's a section on Angering for the Glossary. It's meant to prompt some discussion about angering as a tool for recovery, but also if you have some changes you'd like to see to the section please add those in too.
Note: The format is going to be shortened for the Glossary sections as they take forever to write as you can imagine. From now on it will just be Definition, Description and Resources and maybe at some later point they will be expanded to this longer format.
ANGERING
Definition: Angering is the expression of one's feelings of resentment of and rage over the trauma inflicted by an abuser in a way that does not hurt either the survivor or anyone else.
Description: Angering is a one of four "processes of grieving" (angering, crying, verbal ventilation and feeling) described by Pete Walker in his book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" (2013, pp. 222 to 225). It involves expression of one's deeply held feelings of hurt, anger and even rage over the abuse or neglect at the hands of the perpetrator. It is important to point out that angering is not directed at the person who inflicted the trauma, but against the internalized version which in CPTSD commonly takes the form of a virulent and vicious Inner Critic (ICr).
What It Feels Like:
Angering pushes the shame and blame back onto the ICr (internalized perpetrator of the abuse or neglect) where it belongs. In this way it defuels the ICr and helps the flame of self-protective capacities which were arrested in childhood or suspended in adulthood to ignite. It fuels instead self-care, compassion and confidence in ourselves that we can as adults be angry without taking a toll on our inner landscape by not turning shame and blame against ourselves, but outwardly when an occasion calls for healthy anger.
What Not to Do
• Do not direct your anger against the real life perpetrator of your abuse/neglect. This can be risky physically and emotionally, and in recovery it is the internalized version of the abuser that we need to stand up to and defuel – the ICr. Do not let compassion stop you. If you over-identify with the perpetrators of your abuse/neglect, and/or if you pity them, you might shrink from feeling any anger towards them. Remind yourself that you aren't being angry at who they truly are throughout their lives. You're angry at who they were during your abuse. You're angry at one aspect of them. You're angry at the parts of their abuse that still lives on within you - the negative messages they sent you, and the memory of how they treated you.
• Do not let your ICr convince you that you are self-centred or bad for being angry.
• Do not let others convince you that you need to forget about the past and just move on.
What to Do
• If possible, first practice angering in a therapeutic setting where you will have professional support and guidance for the process.
• If your CPTSD developed as a result of childhood abuse or neglect, remind yourself that although you were not allowed to be angry or express negative emotions when you were a child, you are an adult now and it is safe and healthy to do so.
• Direct your angering at the internalized version of your perpetrator - the Inner and Outer Critic.
• If angering triggers an emotional flashback, soothe yourself with whatever techniques are helpful (e.g., "13 Steps to Managing Emotional Flashbacks"), and remind yourself that the flashback is a message from your Inner Child (IC) that there is work to be done.
Source and Resources:
• "Shrinking the Inner Critic" by Pete Walker
• "13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks" by Pete Walker
• "The Importance of Recovering the Feeling Nature" by Pete Walker
So my angering lasted for a very long time. It then lead to a profound sadness and a lot of grieving, and now is turning into acceptance.
I don't think it's as linear as all that, and that there was and will contnue to be a back and forth movement through stages but I do have an overall sense of progress forward out of the storm. I am simply not angry as deeply or as often as I used to be and that feels good, it just overshadowed so much of the positives in my life before.
I know some approaches to recovery suggest that it is healthy to "just let it go" but I honestly couldn't have done that, it would be like denying a whole part of me.
Quote• Do not direct your anger against the real life perpetrator of your abuse/neglect. This can be risky physically and emotionally, and in recovery it is the internalized version of the abuser that we need to stand up to and defuel – the Inner Critic.
Maybe directly after that, something like...
Do not let compassion stop you. If you over-identify with the perpetrators of your abuse/neglect, and/or if you pity them, you might shrink from feeling any anger towards them. Remind yourself that you aren't being angry at who they truly are throughout their lives. You're angry at who they were during your abuse. You're angry at one aspect of them. You're angry at the parts of their abuse that still lives on within you - the negative messages they sent you, and the memory of how they treated you.
...sorry, it's so late here, I can't think of a shorter way of saying this. Maybe tomorrow.
Quote from: Kizzie on October 19, 2014, 09:23:56 PM
I know some approaches to recovery suggest that it is healthy to "just let it go" but I honestly couldn't have done that, it would be like denying a whole part of me.
I agree. I found Peter Levine's "Waking the Tiger" interesting - haven't read more than a few chapters yet, but I'm thinking that maybe anger is yet another thing we need to just let happen naturally so we can move through our trauma reactions? Of course Levine says his theory isn't applicable to CPTSD, but still, it made me wonder.
"Just let it go" is funny. If I could, I wouldn't have CPTSD, would I?
:yeahthat: Really eh?!
I added in your para Cat. Even though we'll go for a shorter format to get the Glossary in place, I will be storing the longer versions for use at some point in the future possible. Tks for the feedback ;D
This is so extremely eye opening and helpful and interesting. Especially about thevoveridentifying and to be angry at the abuser for what Rey did at that time and place. Not as a person who they are now. So fascinating.
Quote from: Kizzie on October 19, 2014, 09:23:56 PM
I know some approaches to recovery suggest that it is healthy to "just let it go" but I honestly couldn't have done that, it would be like denying a whole part of me.
I don't know if this falls under, "forgiveness," but just letting it go could just be denial like you said. I can't find this article I read a while back about forgiveness. It pretty much said that no one has to forgive anyone else, but also more interestingly that forgiveness can be on a spectrum. Maybe some things are easy to let go, and some things are not. Sometimes you feel you've forgiven, and sometimes you change your mind because new feelings have surfaced. It was just nice because it didn't put any pressure to forgive or get over abuse, it just said that it's okay to be on a spectrum. If I can find the article I'll post it.
Ah...forgiveness or denial. Very good point. I have spent a HUGE amount of time considering this and have written three short and simple blog posts about it:
http://theacceptanceproject.co.uk/acceptance-forgiveness-blog/begin-acceptance-forgiveness/
But briefly I have found that accepting and forgiving my feelings about x, y, z to be far more possible than accepting & forgiving x, y z themselves. Strangely when I forgive the feelings about and around them, the external form of x, y, z becomes less threatening.
And secondly my pain is not my enemy to be hated and bombed but my wounds to be tended by compassion, insight and love.
Anyways, the posts are there if anyone fancies a trip to flookieland.
I was going through my bookmarks, organizing them in categories, and I came along this one. I think it fits the topic "angering" and/or restoring the "Fight"-response as Pete Walker advocates.
Nonviolent Communication can hurt people (http://realsocialskills.org/post/91609471897/nonviolent-communication-can-hurt-people)
Excerpt:
QuoteNonviolent Communication is an approach based on refraining from seeming to judge others, and instead expressing everything in terms of your own feelings.[...]
Nonviolent Communication can be particularly harmful to marginalized people or abuse survivors.[...]
Sometimes it's not enough to say "when you call me slurs, I feel humiliated" - particularly if the other person doesn't care about hurting you or actually wants to hurt you. Sometimes you have to say "The word you called me is a slur. It's not ok to call me slurs. Stop."
Note: on this site Nonviolent Communication is a must. When dealing with your abusers and/or other obnoxious people in your surroundings, this article may be of help, and allow you to conduct proper self-assertiveness in these special cases.
Another resource on anger: 4 Crucial Ways Anger Management Falls Short (http://mindfulconstruct.com/2010/03/15/4-crucial-ways-anger-management-falls-short/)
I think (and personally experience) that angering has been a major asset in my recovery, as I identify with being a "Fawn"-type, and my "Fight" response has been very much undeveloped.
This article has been of much help to me, and is a great write up for those among us who have no trouble repressing their anger. To a detrimental level.
The start of the article:
QuoteAnger management usually advises stopping anger in its tracks.
And calming down.
So that anger doesn't get expressed.
But what anger needs is your attention.
So that you can learn from it, and use that information to be more response-able to your life.
Anger is just the messenger, signaling to you that something is not right.
That thing may be a dysfunctional belief that you have, some unrealistic expectation that is causing you a lot of pain, or a boundary violation which you have allowed and cannot bear the brunt of any more.
(emphasis mine)
Quote from: Kizzie on October 19, 2014, 09:17:01 PM
ANGERING
Description: Angering is a one of four "processes of grieving" (angering, crying, verbal ventilation and feeling) described by Pete Walker in his book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" (2013, pp. 222 to 225). It involves expression of one's deeply held feelings of hurt, anger and even rage over the abuse or neglect at the hands of the perpetrator. It is important to point out that angering is not directed at the person who inflicted the trauma, but against the internalized version which in CPTSD commonly takes the form of a virulent and vicious Inner Critic.
.....
What Not to Do
• Do not direct your anger against the real life perpetrator of your abuse/neglect. This can be risky physically and emotionally, and in recovery it is the internalized version of the abuser that we need to stand up to and defuel – the Inner Critic. Do not let compassion stop you. If you over-identify with the perpetrators of your abuse/neglect, and/or if you pity them, you might shrink from feeling any anger towards them. Remind yourself that you aren't being angry at who they truly are throughout their lives. You're angry at who they were during your abuse. You're angry at one aspect of them. You're angry at the parts of their abuse that still lives on within you - the negative messages they sent you, and the memory of how they treated you.
This has been a really good find for me! Just shows there's really important information in threads that haven't been posted in for a while. Good to bring them back up from time to time. Angering - well, there have been questions recently about Fight mode. Maybe reading this thread will help more people than just me. I've got tons of anger atm.
I get very angry but it's always directed at myself.
I direct a lot at myself too, partially through self-harm and partially through holding it in, which often leads to me becoming ill or just getting lots of aches and pains.
When I express anger outwards, apparently my methods aren't always very good - just the way I express it verbally, so I end up having verbal fights with people. Not always. But sometimes.
I also tend to get a bit irritable and touchy when i'm carrying a lot of anger around and may end up arguing some point that's not particularly important. I'd be able to roll-eyes and let it go if I hadn't otherwise been swallowing my annoyance and anger so much. The person I really need to set a limit towards doesn't hear it. The person is often FOO, except angering retroactively, 30-40 years too late, or even just 2 years after the fact isn't too constructive, mostly.
I have an extremely difficult time expressing anger. My Borderline mother would often try to bait me into arguing with her. Over time, I found that simply not engaging hurt her the most--not giving her what she wanted. But, for that, I'm now suffering. Her words were anger-inducing, but because I wouldn't fight back, that anger stayed inside of me. It expressed itself as depression and self-harm.
I recall being in a verbal argument with someone and actually raising my voice to yell at the person. When I did, it felt like a little bomb or firecracker went off in my head. When the little bomb went off, I saw a flash and was blinded for a split second. This all happened in an instant, but after the little explosion, I felt very dizzy and had trouble seeing. It was an awful feeling. It's happened a couple of times when I've raised my voice and attempted to express anger.
I just realized that I stopped reading the Peter Walker book when I got to the section on grieving and angering. I think it's time to read it...
incredibly grateful to find this! likely a lot of fawn and fawn-freeze (me) can relate to the massive struggle it is to anger and perhaps maintain angering long enough. seems like the flame blows out immediately (the "forgetfulness" of the forgiving fawn-freeze :doh:), so it comes in rare short bursts.
hoping to get a chance to look through the articles. they seem promising.
I hadn't heard of angering, I find it very validating thank you so much!
It doesn't even cross my mind to act out strong hateful thoughts and feelings against abusers in real life, it's just how I feel and I don't believe there's such thing as a wrong emotion. If I feel angry at the person now even though what they did in was in the past, I can do that if I feel like it. I can feel hate and resent as much as I want uncensored. I'm so grateful for that. All my life and still today I'm told what I can and can't feel, also told by implication that some emotions are 'lesser than' others, and someone who feels certain emotions is lesser or not as progressed in recovery. My instinct is to disagree, I think a person whos make tons of progress in recovery can still be a nasty son of gun and the most compassionate person on the planet at the same time. :)
There's more from Pete Walker about anger in the current blog article at http://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers/ if you haven't read it yet. I had a lot of anger when I read Pete's book CPTSD in 2013 and it helped enormously then to have him validate it and again when I read his comments in the blog. I needed to hear again that it is necessary in recovery and in order to lead a healthier life. :yes:
TBH I am still struggling with getting in touch with the anger I know is under the surface, and the grief. I get tiny glimpses is all. I guess that comes from decades of suppressing it all? :Idunno: :Idunno:
I didn't think I still had a lot of anger left either until last summer when my H was deployed unexpectedly for 2-1/2 months during which time our dog got sick and eventually had to be put down. That started fanning the flames of what was still inside I guess and then when he finally did come home, we both got sick when and it was the longest worst cold either of us have had in years. It just dragged on and on and even my normally happy go lucky H got depressed so we weren't able to pull one another out of our funk. A big wearing source of triggering for me during that time was Trump's NPD behaviour. It just triggered me on a daily basis and I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier, feeling more despair and struggling to be positive. I felt trapped by circumstances beyond my control and could not seem to get out from under, just like being back in my family.
It was when I read Pete Walker's comments to Blues that I realized clearly there's still a bunch of residual black gooey anger & grief inside. Anyway, I don't know if I suppressed it or what though TR :Idunno: I'm just glad I know clearly now that I need to focus on working through it. I know you had a pile on your plate recently, did all that not trigger anything?
It did trigger a lot, I was extremely withdrawn and depressed, and shut down almost completely. I know intellectually the emotions are there but I have no idea how to get in touch with the "bad" emotions. I've tried several things but the most I get are just brief glimpses.
I can only trust that they will come up at the right time. I don't want to force them up, I did that with my memories and yikes! Not a good idea. But I know there are still a lot of things I need to face.
I'm so tired of hearing people bad mouth emotions like they're something bad. can you imagine if there was no anger at child abuse?
I hear you about shutting down TR, I have been feeling myself wanting to detach and isolate again just to protect myself - that's mostly the constant news about Trump's NPD behaviour added on top of life stresses that are so triggering for me (or vice versa, don't know quite how that works).
I know anger and grief are or can be healthy, I just feel stuck in it and don't quite know how to move past it right now. E.g. I am heartened by watching the youth marches for gun control but then see crazy reactions to it like they should do something about it individually like learning CPR instead of demonstrating to get others to deal with the issue. Seriously???? How absolutely insane is that!" And boom I am angry all over again and in all of that there is every insane thing my NPD family ever did/said that kept me imprisoned in an alternate reality for so many years. I voted my FOO off the island a few years back and I can only hope that voters in the US will do the same. It's beyond tough to watch and know what so so many are enduring right now so Nov can't come soon enough.
I didn't talk about how I was doing much here because it was so related to Trump and that has been very divisive and corrosive for many. But not talking about it meant it built up and maybe that's why I have been feeling overwhelmed and like I am only just keeping my head above water. I need to talk about being trapped and emotionally injured by the constant and ongoing NPD behaviour of a world leader because it is traumatic. And if I speak up about how it is affecting me then maybe others will begin to see the nuance of emotional abuse and trauma more clearly. NPD behaviour is not merely dysfunctional, it's traumatizing for those trapped in the alternate reality that comes with it. I am angry, I should be angry, we should all be angry at the way so many with NPD treat others. (And as you posted Cygnus, about all abusive behaviours :thumbup:)
Well phew, that felt good.
I agree about not forcing it though TR. Mine is not even below the surface now so I don't have to dig around for it. Trump and his minions outed my anger and I don't have much choice but to deal with what it has brought up. However, if I had my druthers I would have worked away at this slowly in small bits. As we have seen so many times here, we each have to go at a pace that allows us to face what is in the shadows or buried.
YES! Tea-the-artist... you nailed it. I always wondered why my anger is like a flash in a pan. I can literally just walk out of a room and walk back in and it has vanished.
I cry when It gets really bad, and I might go for a walk and vent (quietly) into the air where no one can hear me so I don't let them know or see that I have anger. It feels so wrong to have anger or to express it in direct ways. The worst I have done is throw pillows at the floor or slam a door. :Idunno: I know that's not normal. Pillows are harmless and they don't deserve it! LOL
Quote from: Kizzie on October 19, 2014, 09:17:01 PM
What Not to Do
• Do not direct your anger against the real life perpetrator of your abuse/neglect. This can be risky physically and emotionally, and in recovery it is the internalized version of the abuser that we need to stand up to and defuel – the Inner Critic. Do not let compassion stop you. If you over-identify with the perpetrators of your abuse/neglect, and/or if you pity them, you might shrink from feeling any anger towards them. Remind yourself that you aren't being angry at who they truly are throughout their lives. You're angry at who they were during your abuse. You're angry at one aspect of them. You're angry at the parts of their abuse that still lives on within you - the negative messages they sent you, and the memory of how they treated you.
• Do not let your Inner Critic convince you that you are self-centred or bad for being angry.
This is really good to read again! I've read it before and even quoted it before but wasn't till today when I realised that not directing anger at RL perpetrators doesn't just mean not telling them directly, it means not even telling them in my head because they take up space and energy there. Step-by-step I will get there.
Yeah, that ICr tried to tell me I was being self-centred yesterday for cheering myself on in a post here, but i didn't accept that. Angering appropriately is harder, but i'll get there too.
I am so thankful I came up on this post right now. I have been so angry at my father for how he treated me as a child. Now that I am an adult and have completely broken free of his influence, I can have a "normal" relationship with him. But even though he's no longer inflicting the pain on me that he did in the past, I find myself sooooo angry at him. Even when talking about completely unrelated matters, sometimes I just want to explode at him.
I am reading through the responses and it is so cathartic to see so many posts that I can identify with. I believe I am a Freeze/Fawn type, and showing anger is also hard for me. The "flash in the pan" statement--that is totally me.
All of these feelings have welled up now that I have started therapy. What do I do with this anger?? I feel anger and then I feel profound sadness. I guess this is something I need to bring up in therapy. Sometimes I feel a strong compulsion to confront my dad about how he parented me--either through letter or by phone.
Also, this passage really resonated with me:
Quote• Do not direct your anger against the real life perpetrator of your abuse/neglect. This can be risky physically and emotionally, and in recovery it is the internalized version of the abuser that we need to stand up to and defuel – the Inner Critic. Do not let compassion stop you. If you over-identify with the perpetrators of your abuse/neglect, and/or if you pity them, you might shrink from feeling any anger towards them. Remind yourself that you aren't being angry at who they truly are throughout their lives. You're angry at who they were during your abuse. You're angry at one aspect of them. You're angry at the parts of their abuse that still lives on within you - the negative messages they sent you, and the memory of how they treated you.
My dad is not all bad. Even though he did crush my spirit, he did love me in the way that he knew how. I love this passage because it allows me to keep those good parts of him in tact while still allowing me to have rage at the parts that were all wrong.
QuoteWhat do I do with this anger??
A lot of us write letters we have no intention of sending. It helps us get our feelings out, and get feedback if you want. (if you don't want feedback, that's okay too, just say so in your letter.) Here's a link to that part of the forum - http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0
I feel like mentioning that I've heard handwriting utilizes a different part of the brain, enabling you to access deeper feelings. Here's some info on that too - https://www.pens.com/blog/the-benefits-of-handwriting-vs-typing/
I look forward to hearing if this was helpful. :wave:
Thanks ThreeRoses, that is such a great idea!! I used to keep a journal in the past from time to time at certain points in my life so I think I'll get back to that and work on the letter that way. It would be so awesome to share with the group and get feedback.