Out of the Storm

Other symptoms of Cptsd - thought this fitted better here.
I just want to write, to offload. Im doing this a lot lately, and i really do hope that its ok.
And this is not a woe is me post. I just need to get stuff out.

I am very appreciative of having a place away from partner- not my own yet, but a safe place.
I am homeless because he kind of threw me out, and i couldnt stay at friends place. They need their space etc. i could tell, and by this post, i am not moaning, just writing down how i feel.

So tonight is my first night here.
Im exhausted, and its been more difficult than i thought it would be.

After being all geared up to go somewhere, and somewhere that could offer support, after the gap as things went wrong and i couldnt go to the place after they said i could, i waited, not knowing what to do.
I was lying in bed the other night, thinking that all this isn't real. It feels like I'm just watching things happen in my life. Nothing feels real.
And this happened when the lady with undiagnosed NPD left my life.

So i was really nervous about going this morning.
I sat down and suddenly said to myself that i was scared and had a few small tears.
I remembered that i felt that way on the first morning of secondary school, and i talked to myself to try to calm myself down. I cried that morning too, but i knew i couldnt break down.
My parents didnt notice of course, and i was alone in my room.
Why remember this now?
I think that I'm realising that I'm doing a lot of adult things myself, and its hard.
Just like i always have.
I feel i have to keep it together.
There is no time for crying it seems and it seems to me anyway in my head, that others would think that strange, and that I'm not strong or a grown up. Of course id never intentionally cry around others.

Im worried about what the other people in this place think of me.
When i lived with others in the past, i had really bad social anxiety, and didnt eat in the evenings, as i couldnt go down and cook.
I dont want that to happen here. Im forcing myself to not run away or hide.
Then i would really worry about what they might think.

Children make me sad. Toys make me sad.
Came into contact with a little one today.
The fact that others are having a difficult time, including their children, its so sad.
I dont know how to be around children, and i think that my (narc) mums comment during my work experience with them has always made me worry.
I felt like i was about to break down and i dont know why.
The little one has no idea what is going on. He just wants to play.
And seeing the errors in others parenting is difficult.

The woman who works here asked I'm ok with children / if I'm used to them.
I was paranoid that she noticed me look upset and away when the little one was told off.

I had to buy food so i went into town.
I am so tense and my whole body aches.
It has been like this forever but am feeling it more recently as its intensified due to this long drawn out process due to whole break up and more with X.
I went for a coffee to try to relax.
I could feel myself disassociating sat there and i had a terrible headache all afternoon.
I felt so tired and heavy and buying food after was a *real* effort.

The people are nice though.
I just cant believe I'm here.

Im too afraid to tell them i smoke, for that fear again- of what they might think and
I dont want to smoke around little ones.
I already think that they dont like me and that I'm in the way.
I understand, a new person coming in is difficult.
I climbed out of my bedroom window and had one out there and found a little yogurt pot that i can stub out in.
I hope i can relax here, but i think that that will happen maybe only when i have my own place.
But it should be more relaxing and spacious than at friends.
Its only the first night, so ill see.

Thanks for listening.

 :hug:

You're so brave doing this.
I hope and trust you'll fit in fine.
I'm sure others have gone through much the same, settling in.

:thumbup: for not smoking with the little one around.
And for climbing out of your window. :D

Aw, thank you Dutch and thank you for the hug.
It was really nice waking up to your message.   :)

They probably felt awkward too yes. Some have been here for quite a long time.

And for climbing out of your window :D
Haha, this made me laugh!  :thumbup:
(Thought you'd understand this as I know you said you smoked / have done  :hug:

Omg. People I'm staying with are Indian so it's hard for us to understand each other.
I'm pretty sure one doesn't like me.
I was too nervous to go cook.
But we had a street power cut and I talked to the people who came over to help us get electricity back so I was once again, around so I
I put pizza in the Ivan and burnt it. I'm so embarrassed.
But not cos it's embarrassing. More that by one- I feel I'm being judged. I don't want to look incompetent.
Then I worried they're judging the food I have. I can't drive, so couldn't pick real healthy things to cook with as I can't carry lots of stuff, so I'm getting food in bits.
Then one lady noticed I was drinking water and said its good- that it will help my skin because I'm getting a pimple.
I'm so spotty right know due to stress, not eating much and smoking.
I'm so embarrassed.
It would be easier if I could communicate better with her.

Just wanted to write again.

 :hug: x 10  Sienna, I just wish I could do so in person. 

Thank you so much Kizzie for caring and for the hug. Thats so nice of you.
thank you so much for your support.
:hug: :hug:

You are doing so well. I'm reading along and cheering you on and sending calm and hope your way.

 :yeahthat:    :bighug:

You are doing so well in such difficult circumstances Sienna. 

Hey Otillie, and thank you so so much!
I cant believe it!  :)
I cant believe others are taking the time to read my rambles. I really appreciate the support i can't even explain how much. Thanks for reading along.
Thank you for sending calm and hope.
:hug:

Thank you Kizzie. 
Sometimes its hard to remember that. Sometimes i feel really bleak and despairing of the world and everybody in it.
Its so great that you guys are here.
Went to see T yesterday. Im confused about her, and it may be because I'm looking for narc traits in everyone sub consciously.
I talked about the little one to her, and cried, and had to hold my tears in which took a lot.
My tears and sadness are so huge,
and i said that i hate hearing him cry and that it reminds me of when my sister was left to cry, parents never came to comfort her, and she would cry so much she would make her self throw up. Then she would be in trouble for it.
T wanted to know if that happened to me, and i said maybe...but i dont remember, but I was emotionally neglected so maybe this started at an early age.
My sister was *the favourite* (poor sole)...so as the scapegoat, that must of happened to me.

T said that the little one, calling for his mum and getting angry, going on the *naughty step* and (which is abandonment)..and his mum telling him to *stop crying*, is emotional neglect and abandonment, and that maybe he reminds me of myself.
I cried then, like it hit a nerve.
Then when i got back, he came into my room and clicked something on my laptop which brought up a picture of the dog that my partner has, that i loved and lived with.
I miss her.
He kept kissing the screen and saying doggy, and woof woof.
Im crying writing this now...but i can't because I'm on reception at volunteering. Thank god known is around at the moment. Had to go and sort myself out in the loo.
T says its good stuff is comming up, but i dont feel i can express it and i know i would feel better if i could let out my grief and my rage, but i cant for other people being around.

Oh and ps. this mother doesnt change her child as she should, so accidents have happened *on me*  :pissed: and yesterday it happened and we were all sat on my bed. She just laughed and didnt attend to him, and he claimed on my bed, and i actually said to her, can we not have him on the bed, because he's wet, and unfortunately she moved him a bit off roughly and he cried, - ah this is hard.
but my point is is that i was able to say something as i didnt want my bed sheets to need to be washed.

Thanks for listening if you still are. Its so good to get this stuff off my chest.

You are doing so well in such difficult circumstances Sienna.

Would this mother appreciate your changing the child's diaper? Perhaps she's overwhelmed too and acting out at the child's expense. You obviously care about this child and have expressed a desire to be accepted by these people. You didn't cause this mother's behavior and you can't control, change or cure her. Even if it makes you cry, you have the capacity to change a diaper. Please stop being ashamed of your tears. My mother used to say stop crying right now or I'll give you something to really cry about. She's dead now and I can cry whenever I please. I can even cry for her.

What floor is your bedroom on? It's only that you frighten me when you say you climb out the window to smoke. If you are on disability you may be offered free assistance quitting smoking.

Do you watch Kati Morton on YouTube? She is a therapist and discusses many of the family dynamics you have described. She has a chat line and forums on her site.     :heythere:

Hey Danaus

Yes, maybe she is overwhelmed.
I jumped straight into thinking that she has always parented like that, i can see the attachment style that is going on...and I'm thinking it must come from her own parenting- which is why she ended up with a man who didnt treat her well.
umm... so maybe thats true...can people really come from having *good enough* parents and still end up with someone that hurts them?
But still stands- maybe she is overwhelmed.
There are rules here, that i was told about when i arrived in the office-
that only the parent of the child can care for the child.
I am capable of changing this little one...but I'm not sure i can or want to go there.

Even if it makes you cry, you have the capacity to change a diaper. Please stop being ashamed of your tears.
I cant change a diaper if I'm upset. These are emotional flashbacks that i am experiencing due to seeing this child upset and begging for attention...so when I'm in that state, its too hard. Its overwhelming.
I hope you understand that. And thanks for saying to not be ashamed. Its hard. Im scared others will find out. I need to start locking my door when I'm inside.
Talking to the lady last night (who has the child)- she is saying that the other lady needs to stop talking about it, needs to stop crying...just move on, dont think about it-
and that makes sense- but for me- i need to stop attacking these types and i need to work on myself and the grief from my childhood that has dominated all of my life..
so if she saw me upset by accident, I'm not sure she would be so understanding.

Im super sorry your mother said that to you. That is very cruel and insensitive.
I am glad that you are able to cry. Crying is hard and I'm still very blocked but these intrusions of tears  - I'm not used to.

Oh its ok- thanks for your concern. Im on the ground floor.
Thanks about the assistance quitting smoking suggestion.
Im looking at it with my T, because i smoke due to triggers and flashbacks and trouble managing my emotions, to calm down and to self damage etc.
Im not ready to stop at the moment whilst everything is stressful.
I thought about going to a clinic for help, but they wouldnt look at the underlying reasons you do it, i just end up swapping coping mechanisms if one goes for another unhealthy one.

I do watch Katie Morton- thank you for the suggestion and for telling me she has a chat line on her site. Have you used it yourself?

error- meant - I'm not sure she would not be so understanding.

yes and I'm on her PTSD forum.  :cheer:

oh woah, thats cool. I will check it out- thanks.  :)

QuoteI cant change a diaper if I'm upset. These are emotional flashbacks that i am experiencing due to seeing this child upset and begging for attention...so when I'm in that state, its too hard. Its overwhelming.

Hey this looks a lot like you standing up for yourself - definitely a good sign of recovery Sienna!   :applause:   FWIW I think you need to focus on you and getting you better.  Locking your door might be a good idea. :yes:   

Your T may be right, that this is the stuff that needs to come up and be grieved and that that is what you're doing (even though I know it feels so awful).  :hug:

Thanks Kizzie for understanding - And thanks- I am trying to stand up for myself and feeling angry helps though I will have to learn even when anger isn't driving me.
Thanks for pointing that out- it's good to know its a good sign of recovery.

You help me to feel more confident that focusing on recovery and doing what I need to do and needing space is ok.
It's great that someone in the world understands that, as well as how awful it feels- but not for your own sake.
It helps to feel supported and understood, and as though I'm not alone, so I can't thank you enough.
I really hope your doing ok Kizzie  :bighug:

I am doing OK now Sienna - had a bad week or so (and was surprised by how bad EFs feel - hadn't had one in a while), but I seem to have gotten through it with just a small slip back to drinking.  I was so ashamed and scared I knew I'd better get to the bottom of things rather than go back to using alcohol to numb myself.  At the time though, I just wanted to "go away" rather than go through an EF and I did but then there's that moment when you come back - awful!

Much like you it was triggered by abandonment issues - what else, of feeling really alone and scared.  I've been working on dissociation in the Book Club and that helped me to (eventually) look at my feelings rather than avoid them.  OK, so I still have a BIG fear of being alone, but the up side is that it's not as bad as it used to be and the more I process the fear, the better off I will be, I believe that sincerely. 

Anyway, in my eyes you are doing so well because I know what it takes and I don't have half of what you have on your plate right now. Honestly, you give me courage  :hug: 

My dad is comming down to visit tomorrow.
He cant come to the place I'm at so we are going for food and ill walk to meet him.
I have been talking in therapy with T, about him when i was growing up, and also him and the recent past.
T was saying, that she thinks that he *did know* that i was scared at home alone with my mum, when he was out at work.
He knew that i used to pace around the living room waiting for him to come home, because i told him. This was before I started school. She thinks that by the way i ran to meet him at the door, he would have known.
I was very clingy as i grew older- i would cling to him and follow him round the house before he went to work.
I had this compulsion to say everything i wanted to say to him before he left for work, every single thought that went through my head i had to tell him.
I would ask him - what should i do when your at work this afternoon (on summer holidays), or...what would you do...
then i would do what he suggested, and i think that is because i wanted to hold on to him.
T thinks that i was always scared that he would never come back.
My biggest fear was him dying and me living alone with mum.
It was really mean to me when Dad wasnt there.
I never told him about these things she did, because i thought mum was right, and that i deserved it.
I felt ashamed so i didnt tell dad.
But dad knew when i was * off with mum.
He would tell me to *be quiet, she might hear you!*
and i would go to him (before i stopped doing that), and tell him how i was upset with what mum had just said.
He would see me crying in my room after mum had emotionally abused me, and he would tell me *oh just ignore your mam*, or he would completely ignore my tears.
I dont remember much more of this stuff.
But i have been angry with him for a while, and i said that i would see him, because i was thinking that he wouldnt actually come down for a while, so i was a good little girl and acted happy on the phone and said it was fine for him to come.

T says that we dont know why he didnt stick up for me when my mum hurt me.
I was saying that he might fear abandonment, so thats why he stayed.
Maybe he was scared to speak out.
I fear abandonment and stayed with partner but, unfair to him (but rightfully so for me and our dog), I tried to fix him. I couldnt keep quiet if i was unhappy with his behaviour.

Dad is just so emotionally neglectful, and no matter the reason he never saved me from mum, I'm still mad.
He hurt me too.
And when he texts me, its stating to really hurt, ever since i noticed the parenting that he should be doing but that he doesnt-
since i read about emotional neglect.
It felt traumatising to be at his house when i ran out on partner once and i havent been back since.
I just cant believe what I'm seeing in his ...lack of daringness it seems.
I do wonder if he cares. He is about himself a lot of the time.

I got a text off him yesterday, and it sent me into a weird place.
I panicked, and cried and didnt know what to do.
Since seeing this little one and being reminded me my younger self and how much she is hurting, Im scared of seeing him because I'm scared to be faced with that.
Seeing it happen to another child is hideous and i cant believe it happened to me (and is still happening if i communicate with dad)
Im scared to see it. IM scared i have no support if i go into a weird place.
I may be able to handle it in whatever way i may...as I'm figuring out i can deal with things...but I'm scared to feel it.
He says that his partner understands more than he does- she does as she came out of an abusive marriage, and he said he understands ...he might understand more because what happened with me and partner is the same I'm sure- as what happened with him and my narc mother.
But he cant hear the truth about the past, as i found out...and I'm still hurt by what he said.
I never said anything to hurt him, just that I'm dealing with mum stuff that happened in the past (didnt say him too - that would have been bad-and he did ask what was wrong- long story)
He denied anything ever happened,
he is not emotionally supportive, though his texts are full of lies, saying he is here for me.
He cant be here for me in the way that i need him to.
and he cant support me with the whole truth of whats happened to me / what is happening to me...because it *does* go back to the past.
He said to go to therapy, but never asked since if I'm there or how its going.
I wondered if i should see him or not because of what the truth of his actions in the past and recent past may be.
It frightens me= him= and I'm not sure why.

Thanks for listening.

I dont want to seem ungrateful or unappreciative that my dad came down to visit me.
Im not.
I just dread it each time because it is difficult.
He didnt talk over me this time, which started to * me off when i started to notice it, and each time he does it, but he was very quiet.

I was just reading a few articles on Attachment styles and attachment trauma.
The thought suddenly popped into my head, as i was reading about counter dependancy as a result of attachment style-
that my dad never asked why i didnt call him or tell him about the break up.
He asked when it happened and i said about three weeks ago.
I have learnt, and i knew this on some level always-
that i cant turn to my parents if things are bad, or to talk..they were *never* here for me emotionally.

When i think of the little one where I'm living, its so sad, seeing the attachment play out with him and his mother.
and to think that, at around age 3, before i started school- like the article said, i was emotionally abused by my mother and shamed.
I was so scared of her - i only remember one memory.
But i must of been as little as the little on in the accommodation...its os weird to think of it like that.
He seems older than his age...and maybe i did too. Maybe we *both* never had a choice.
But he is still little, and so was I.
Sometimes, lately, it has all felt a little more real. It makes me cry and i feel sad.
I just cant believe it. Its like, the reality of my childhood has not hit properly and i know that, but sometimes, things hit a nerve.
Did you know that being abandoned or abused in childhood, - missing those developmental stages of attachment...sends the child into shock?
And that is what makes us have addictions and makes us stay in abusive relationships.
OMG. Its all so messed up and explains everything.
Just wanted to write what was in my head.

 :hug:

Thanks Duch.  :hug: to you too. I hope you are ok.

It's good you have this safe place and also T to get this out. Sadness and tears are a release, they're about loss and letting go. All my life I was chastised to hole them back but now I cry in a quiet place, in my pillow, soft sobs and tears and breathe through the spell. It feels much better to release my pain than to hold it inside. It hurts me to hold it inside.

I hope you dont think I'm ungrateful or anything for being honest about finding being at this place, although safe, -hard.
People are difficult cos of my past, I'm sure you can relate, and others here too.
And triggers from the past that are comming up now are hard.

Butterfly, I agree with you there. It does feel better to cry and yes, it is a release.
Im so sorry you were made to hold in your tears, so was I.
I like how you say - breathe through the spell.
This is what i do too.
Apparently, more pain comes from holding pain inside, rather than from expressing it.

I wish you luck and support Butterlfy.  :hug:

Big Trigger warning- (as is this thread- should have put that on the top- only i didnt know things like this would come up)
****************
I have know one to tell these things to. X wasnt the best person..but he was a person so i felt a little bit on an outlet - the times i did tell him stuff, stuff that was not about *me*.
And you guys are not just *people*- you are the best people to tell.

Made food tonight. Wasnt as afraid of being round one person ...
Whilst eating...the children were playing, and something happened.
Being visually impaired, i couldn't see what happened from the distance i was sat,
but it looked like one kid pushed the other and ran off.
The little one lay on the floor on his back- i hard him hit it hard, and he was crying.
I wasnt sure if it was an explanation he does..where he pretends to cry (still- that is a cry for attention and help and love)...
But then i realised it was real crying.. loud crying.
Knowing that his mother should go and comfort him, I had to wait, to see if she did, I didnt want to take over as this is not my child..and i thought she might go to him.
She didnt and she just laughed.
I didnt cave in to feeling like i had to laugh also, and said...is he ok??
She didnt go to him, so I did, and I reached out my hand to him and gently rubbed his shoulder. Cant remember what i said to him.
Like he usually does, he pushed me away angrily.
I helped him sit up, despite his efforts to get rid of me, and now I'm wondering if what i did was the right thing to do.
I wanted him to know that i understand that he is angry, but that I'm not leaving him.

Its like he is doing what I do and pushing others away, when what i want anyway, is for others to stay regardless of my efforts to shut them out.
Im thinking that, you have to be gentle.
He is angry and pushes my had away or gently slaps it away, so like with us, I'm thinking that it would do more damage to him, to either,
. ignore him and walk away after he has pushed me away,
or... .to be persistent like I'm not leaving him.
He may be in a lot of emotional pain...so I'm thinking that its best to be gentle and not brush away his efforts to push me away.
That may be his defence.

His mother only comforted him after i went to him.
Im guessing, that he was angry that his mum didnt come to him, and angry that in the ned she did, but it was too late. She wasnt here for him when he was crying.

The attachment pattern I'm seeing here is Ambivalent.
He pushes his mother away when she comforts him, and her comfort and attention happens sometimes, and other times not - which is very confusing for a child, and they end up viewing their parent as dangerous, unpredictable, and unsafe. Scary for a child.

And whilst this happened, its like i had no emotion about it.
Then i felt like i was disassociating...but i sometimes feel that way after eating.

When i was little, my sister was left alone to cry at night time,
and i remember her crying a lot when my mum left the room. She was too young to walk.
Mum wouldnt go to comfort her when she got back,
and i hated my sister crying. It was very disturbing to me watching her cry...
so the only thing i could think of to do when I was five was to say her name over and over in a comforting way...trying to distract her and let her know that i was here for her.
My mum came in and said to me that she is crying because she doesnt like it when i say her name over and over.
I think i felt guilty but i cant remember.
I do know however, that after that, i stopped saying her name, and i would just have to watch her cry. There was nothing i could do about it.

Its so weird writing this down and looking at memories that feel like a distant dreams i thought i must have imagined,- for what they really are.
Thanks for listening.

I know that this is really weird to write down here. Just doing some reading on what to do about the little one, and began reading something that was up on my screen from the other day.
Cant remember what put it into my head, but i have slowly been realising since i left X that i might have been sexually abused by him.
This feels huge and its like i cant remember much of what happened over the whole eight years.
It like i surpassed and didnt allow myself to feel (denial?) the hurt of some of the things he said to me- or most of hte things!...now I'm remembering one thing he said to me in the bedroom and i can feel how wrong it is, where as when it happened, i couldnt believe it and thought that he mustn't really mean it.
This feels huge. Sometimes, i feel I'm about to explode and I'm just equally as mad about that as i am about everything else. And I'm walking round like nothing ever happened.
I began thinking that it might have happened as a child, only i just cant remember. Maybe it did for it to happen as an adult with X.
Or maybe the very reason i wondered about it and would spend ages researching the topic, is because he was doing it. I felt dirty and used because of him?? it seems again, to be written in stone.
Not really sure what to do with this new found realisation.

About the crying boy and your crying sister you did the right thing and his and your mother are the one who should feel guilty not you. This crap really burns me up! You have compassion and you know how to use it. Stop second guessing yourself. Talk back to that bully of an inner critic. Tell it off in no uncertain terms. Say it out loud with your cell phone to your ear so eavesdroppers will assume you are just talking on the phone.  :pissed:

Haha, thanks Danaus.
Im just so worried I'm not doing the right thing.
I think I'm definitely dealing with trauma here- well, my own and his and i dont want to do any damage.
Thank you for telling me to talk back to my inner critic.
I dont know if my worry is rational or not. Im sorry it burns you out. I should put a trigger warning on the top of this thread.

burns me up, not out and it's still not your fault.

I can't do this anymore. I can not be in this world feeling invaded about and on so much pain.
I can not watch this little boy being absurd and I can not hear it. I do not wish to hear it.
There's nothing o can do about it and I will report it : talk to someone professional about it when I get out of here.
His mother and what she does and his crying flashes mr back and it's difficult to watch anyway. It makes me cry- sobs.
Often I leave in tears and run away. I don't want to be like my father and go away to smoke and just ignore. I'm not ignoring it- i just can't do anything to help him and it's so painful.

Today - triggering with one person outside of this refuge. Maybe I am just seek g him and things for what they really are,
It's his problem not mine but I feel triggered and alone.
I'm so miserable and tired and feeling hopeless.
I want all the pain to end but what if the world and everybody in it is just painful?
Some days I just don't want to live anymore.
Life seems so hopeless and devoid of any joy or happiness.
I feel trapped here and in my own world of pain with no outlet apart from T who I don't trust and who doesn't really care.
Just venting.

I often don't want to live anymore myself. For better or worse everyone I trust knows better than to promise to take care of my cats if anything happened to me, so I'm stuck here taking care of them. They better pray to the Cat Gods they don't out live me. I have mentioned elsewhere a laundry list of crap that has come down on me. It's mostly public so you can search it if you feel like. Memorial day was especially crappy for me. I'll not repeat myself here. Venting here under a pseudonym is hopefully without consequences. If you tell your T you don't want to live anymore she may move you to an involuntary in-patient facility. start practicing counting backwards from 100 by sevens. That's just one of the random hoops the doctors will make you jump through to get released. Also too here are some videos that help me climb out of the deep dark pit of despair. They are not better then meds, but what the *, they're short, giver them a look.       https://youtu.be/i33ufGKY3pg     https://youtu.be/syR_NinJ2B0    https://youtu.be/M8KdtJOCzOU 

Just venting here. If nothing else, it's helpful for me to look back. Triggers- lots of triggers. ----

This little boy- one time his mother  hit him. It was in my room  I was so upset and angry I asked everyone to leave
Sheep and the other little girl scratching him but she scratched him because he hits out and attacks children
I think he does this to feel seen because he is mother
Because of the children playing having an affect on other people this is What  I have read anyway.
His mother was telling the other little girls mum to cut her nails   
She didn't she didn't ask nicely she just said you need to cut her nails
She doesn't take into account what the Savoy is doing to the children but she does tell him off makes sense
She doesn't understand why he's doing and she doesn't understand that hurting him and him to his people and he's angry frustrated .

She's quite Boundry inviting other people walking into peoples rooms without knocking and leaning on people want and I was very squashed  but I couldn't say anything
She did this tonight  to her little boy
He cried because he was squashed she was leaning on him
When he cries she talks in it in her language to him quite abrupt way I scared him he cries

He started falling asleep on her  tonight and she thrust him quite hard onto the couch she is rough with him when she handles  him  and it makes him cry
He needs a proper routine -  A bedtime he is only two but he's not sleeping

I knew a girl that came here today told him to stop crying but in hindsight I think that she might have meant it in a good way people say that all the time but it really annoys me as it so invalidating
The reason that I think she didn't mean it is because she said to the man why  did you just shout at him ?

The mother makes him turn down what he is listening to you on her iPhone so that she can hear what she's listening to
It's all about her needs are not here's
She turned the TV up to and tells him to turn his program down
He's watching kids stuff and you want to sit on his own because she doesn't watch with him she doesn't participate in any play with him
He shouldn't have to do these things alone he's only two

Mealtimes a really traumatic
He doesn't like to eat he's always running around and I thought that maybe has to much cortisol going on
Probably does but I realise what the time that mealtimes a traumatic because she shouts at him
Maybe kids aren't interested in eating a lot of the time and would rather play but she shouts at him a lot
Started to notice that he is scared of  mealtimes
  He cries and underway wants me at times and it reminds me of when mum used to say to me that it's time to read my school reading book and I want time remember not wanting to and she said I have to
It took me ages to walk into the kitchen
Practising reading and doing homework was always traumatic because she would shout I will be in so much trouble

This little boy is really scared of his mum tonight he was saying mummy mummy and could grab in my leg and holding on to me
He was jumping all of the other girls on the couch and trying to hide from her in church  and you were shouting at him

I didn't want to write about this I want to just forget about it but it's like all the stuff just installed up and I understand why I wanted to avoid this because I'm crying  writing this

It reminds me of how scared I was with my mum and my dad never did anything
My therapist thinks that my dad did know that I was scared of them because of how are used to rush to meet him and I told him that are used to piss around the home
It's obvious that this little boy is terrified of this mum
And I feel like my dad because I can't do anything to help the moment
When she was trying to make him eat he was watching something on her iPhone that he borrowed and I wondered if he was to so see it in your folks and something else so he didn't have to face it eating

I want to give us this little boy all the love in the world and everything  that I never had  as a child

The way he looked at his mother his face was cracking with pain like it was going to cry because she wasn't paying any attention to him

This mother one time started cutting is toenails but he was asleep and he got angry he can't even sleep in peace
Chilson grabs him I think it's meant to be in an affectionate way but it's too rough doesn't like it so then she shouts at him if he cries pushes her away
I watched the video I think :-) set a Romano  and she said the children are children want to be seen so as parents that they should encourage the children to let and out at something else like objects
When is little boy was hitting children and curtains things and he has been in the backyard it in the wall with his plastic toys

He hits me and I feel awful for telling him that he can't help me but I always try and tell him to hit something else on the if that option is not available I feel bad for telling him to do something at him  to just simply not hit me

I can't bear this little boy grabbing onto me I want to me to pick him up and hug and hold him because he is so scared of  his own mum .
Sometimes like today I don't feel anything about it
If things kick off and it sets me have to leave and go to  my room
But I'm thinking that maybe all of these emotions onto the surface I can't feel them .  Do you think I have been quite associated for the past two days .

  I think that he is really tired from not having much sleep but  for not having much of a bedtime routine
Tonight she said that it's time for bed and he started crying he's onto and I think that the tiredness as well as the stress is getting to him like it does with  call to year-olds
She said why are you crying stop crying stop crying
If you're going to cry I'm going to leave you
They were in the hallway and she was going to go upstairs with him
He's crying like a baby is due because he's tired  and she can't even let him just be a two-year-old
His childhood is completely stolen  he's just not allowed to be a child
It just makes me so sad
I wonder if this happened to me too   I know that being silly and being a child and making a mess of being loud but is not tolerated by my mother
When the whole maths homework thing happened and I was four I was crying and she didn't come for me but instead comforted my sister is crying because she was scared because I was crying
  This isn't about me but I don't remember what happened to me during the early years as I just don't remember
The whole if you're going to cry I'm going to leave you here and stop crying stop being silly it all seems to make sense to me as though it happened to me
I'm not sure if I was sent to my room as a child for  crying
I'm not sure if my mother setting such as he can stay in there until you've sorted yourself out until you've booked up your ideas we can stay in there until you ve  stop crying crying
Have a very very dim memory that I'm not sure if we'll not banging on my bedroom door  after being told to go in there .

I just wanted to get this out

Secondly there is a new girl  that came here yesterday
I was nervous around here is today  and the other two seem to get on really well and the second with the callous as I don't like this of them very much because of her parenting although rather I don't like  her parenting
  I thought that had been pushed out but maybe that is because of what's happened with friends lately
It filled me with anxiety yesterday  only today that ice has been broken which doesn't mean that I want to feel afraid
It's another  stress here when I thought that the  stresses were going to stay the same

We are going for a birthday meal for his mother not the new girl but she's coming  and I'm just really nervous about it I'm actually dreading it and I'm not really sure  why
I guess just hanging out with them outside of here then I think they might see that and in perfect
I don't want my fish impairment to be revealed to them
The other knows about it but doesn't know the extent
I'm just so afraid  that if it comes up they won't accept it for what it is that they won't understand it because it seems that I do so well and it seems that my vision is better than actually is because of the  Way I have been brought up to pretend that everything is fine

I guess I just didn't want to get involved with anybody from the refuge outside of the refuge and this guy wants to come to volunteering with me child but the new one and I guess I just don't want everything to be mixed
And if you just come and I leave here I don't want any reminders of this place has just been horrible horrible time so if she is in the centre it will be a reminder  and I don't know what to do
I know she is bored and wants to do some think like going to ring so I don't want to be there
I'm just being brutally honest  here

Tonight they were talking and I thought of the new girl asked me a question so I answered but she was actually asking the other girl I question
They both laughed and after a while and I know it's all in good humour part of me can't help feeling offended and upset that I made the mistake due to not being able to see in which direction she was looking I couldn't see which person she was talking to you  and you don't need to see to know sometimes you do as it's not clear by the tone of voice and I just feel so stupid and like a failure for doing this

The girl whose birthday it is we are also going to the cinema and the film is in her language language and she asked me about the subtitles she said I can read the subtitles and I don't know why but I was honest with her and said that and then I'll be able to see them but I'll try shouldn't Saint understand as you can asking over and over throw evening and eventually I said I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them but  I will try
She did ask if I was okay Bing for the ticket of the movie that I might understand as it's in a file language
The physical impairment such a sensitive subject for me and I've been avoiding therapy and she noticed I wanted to know why  but she understood that had a lot of answers about it and that it was a really sensitive subject
My mother made me feel really bad about it
And whilst I know that logically it's not my fault I feel so ashamed about it
So we will see how it goes
It's just so mightily triggering for me if people just don't understand pretend  which I have been doing for my entire  knife

So that's that thank you for let me just get this out
I know that one day I can always do I will probably forget all of my time here just as I will probably forget all of what happened living with  narc X
As I already forgot a lot of what happened when we lived in office place
And whilst I would love to forget this ever happened part of me knows that things happen for a reason this has happened probably to help me learn and partly can't forget it I definitely can't forget what happened to this little boy because I need to do something about it when I leave here
All this learning and all this information that I need to gather to help him and myself it would seem silly to waste time just listen forget
Whilst I may have no visual images of what happened when I leave here at least I will have the facts

## phone. Dictate doesn't write accurately either. ! Will write with corrections tomorrow so that it makes sense

Corrected version:

Just venting here. If nothing else, it's helpful for me to look back.
Triggers- lots of triggers. ----

This little boy- one time his mother hit him. It was in my room  I was so upset and angry I asked everyone to leave. I had my suspicions but i think i was right as i heard noises but wasnt sure if it was toys being thrown or dropped.
That night, that he was hit, the other little girl scratched him but she scratched him because he hits out and attacks other children.
I think he does this to feel seen because of his mother neglecting him, not paying him the attention he needs.
I have read that children do this, not only to imitate the behaviour of the parent (she hits him), and to let out his anger at being hit and, well, abused my his mother, but also-
to feel that he is having an impact on other people and children...*i must be real if i can get a reaction out of others. Me being here must mean something, it must have an impact*

His mother was telling the mother of the little girl to *cut her nails*, because she scratched the little boy.
She didn't ask nicely she just said *you need to cut her nails*
She doesn't take into account what her little boy is doing to the children but she does tell him off for it if that makes sense, whilst also blaming the little girl at the same time...she did scratch, but the mother has no idea why she did and doesnt care why it seems.
The other night, she laughed and said that her little boy blames the little girl and its funny. Thats not something that should be encouraged!

She laughs at him when he is hurt or when he is crying.

His mother is quite boundary invading with other people, walking into my room without knocking and leaning on people and I was very squashed one time but I couldn't say anything (freeze response)
She did this tonight  to her little boy - leant on him.
He cried because he was squashed.
When he cries she talks in it in her language to him quite abrupt way or in english telling him to Stop crying...
so he is un comfortable with being sat on, and he cries as he is 2, and he gets in trouble for it. ahhhh! whats that going to teach him?!!!
It is a normal basic human need to not be squashed!!! *dam it.

The time she hit him (that i was there for), she did it cos she got annoyed at him getting angry for her touching his head, grabbing his head, as she was looking at the scratch the little girl had made.
She was, in my opinion, quite..rough, and grabbed him and heard his head for longer than necessary, and he didnt like it.
She then hit him for expressing dis pleasure at that.

Just a note- this little boy not only hits other children, but he lies on them and one night he put a pillow over the little girls head. The little girl of course, does not like this .
And he is 2 and she is 3, so he is going though the narcissistic stage of development , where the world centres around him (as it should he is a child!), and everything is *mine!*.
His mother was saying why does he do that, and is said its quite normal for children of that age, and that he will grow out of it.
(with any hope he wont have issues later in life but i think he will)
She, though, despite knowing this, tells him off for not being able to share etc
She doesnt know how to deal with it- nor do I.

He also receives no positive re-inforcment or praise ive noticed.
Its always *name..dont be naughty*
*you are being naughty, you are a naughty boy*

He started falling asleep on her  tonight and she thrust him quite hard onto the couch. She is rough with him when she handles  him  and it makes him cry
He needs a proper routine -  A bedtime- he is only two but he's not sleeping sometimes at night either.

A  a girl that came here today and she told him to stop crying but in hindsight I think that she might have meant it in a good way people say that all the time but it really annoys me as it so invalidating.
The reason that I think she didn't mean it is because she said to the mother,
*He's so cute, why did you just shout at him ?*
and the mother didnt answer.

He was crying at being squashed and she said whats up to him and i said, maybe he's a bit squashed! She didnt say anything.

The mother makes him turn down what he is listening to you on her spare iPhone so that she can hear what she's listening to on her phone, or on the TV, and sometimes, its just too loud for him to hear what he is listening to.
It's all about her needs are not here's

He's watching kids stuff and he watches it on his own, because she doesn't watch with him she doesn't participate in any play with him. Its so sad.
He shouldn't have to do these things alone. He's also only two years old.

Mealtimes are really traumatic.
He doesn't like to eat and he's always running around and I thought that maybe has to much cortisol going on.
Probably does but I realise with in a short amount of time that mealtimes are traumatic because she shouts at him.
Maybe kids aren't interested in eating a lot of the time and would rather play but she shouts at him a lot - so I'm not sure where it started-
being shouted at because he was running about being a kid, or was he running because he was scared of mealtimes from the off, and / or, because he just doesnt want to eat because he is so upset all the time?

This boy cried A LOT, its really not normal for a child to cry all day every day.
His mother tries to make him eat whilst he is crying, whilst he is in an emotional state, not being comforted, being invalidated and told to not cry.
She puts him on the naughty step for crying when he is trying to eat, that meal times take such a long time.
He feels bony. His little spine- i can feel it when he is in my arms.

He is scared of  mealtimes
He cries and runs away.
Last night he tried to hide from his mum. He got on the sofa with this other new girl, and tried to hide behind her.

It reminds me of when mum used to say to me that it's time to read my school reading book and I remember only one time of not wanting to and maybe saying ohhhh....and taking ages to get into the kitchen.
She said i have to do it.
Practising reading and doing homework was always traumatic because she would shout and get inpatient, and i would be in so much trouble. She slammed my bedroom door on me and was just emotionally abuseive.
I now hate doing anything like work, and from spartnalifecoach video., i realised that *eery time the mail comes* so to speak - every time the work of any sort comes, i just dont feel good.

This little boy was really scared of his mum tonight he was saying mummy mummy and he looked fearful.
Tonight he was grabbing my leg and wanted to be picked up an awful lot- so i picked him up.
He seemed frantic- and his is a regular occourance.
If he can hear his mum he exclaims- mummy! and looks worried.
Sometimes he will laugh, but i think he is nervous. His face drops when she comes into the room.

I didn't want to write about this. I want to just forget about it but it's like all the stuff just piles up and I understand why I wanted to avoid this because I'm crying  writing this.

It reminds me of how scared I was of my mum and my dad never did anything.
The little one clinging to me, it reminds me of how i used to cling to my dad, how i spent time with them as a little girl to avoid my mother.

My therapist thinks that my dad did know that I was scared of them because of how are used to rush to meet him and I told him that are used to piss around the home
It's obvious that this little boy is terrified of this mum
And I feel like my dad because I can't do anything to help the moment

When she was trying to make him eat he was watching something on her iPhone that he borrowed and I wondered if he was disassociating and that seemed to help him eat.
He stands up to eat, dont know why. There is no - mother and son eating time...i was gonna say family time- but its only those two.
Thats not good for digestion but maybe he feels safer eating stood up so that he can run away.

She feeds him spicy indian food. The lady who runs the refuge at the office, suggested she try him on different foods.
He likes the food i have. He's only 2 and his mother says he doesn't like spice.
and they always eat rice. maybe he wants something different.
Its not right! So he has no inclination to eat anyway.
i think she gets annoyed that he wont eat and he cries and hates meal times.
But the verbal abuse - its gonna give him issues about eating. He may associate food with pain.
i mean, no wonder he doesnt want to eat.

I want to give us this little boy all the love in the world and everything  that I never had  as a child
The way he looked at his mother tonight, his face was cracking with pain like he was going to cry because she wasn't paying any attention to him

This mother one time started cutting his toenails but he was asleep and he got angry. He can't even sleep in peace. She told me she cleans his ears when he is asleep, and that his ears, like hers, are itchy. I asked if she cleans them too much and she said every day. Then she should stop doing her little ones every day if its causing him dis comfort.

She has the TV on loud too, not restful for a child (not sure what the reason is. When i got here, i thought she was afraid to leave him after what happened domestically...but i do think its for her own gain. She often says she cant be bothered taking him up to his bed)

So there is punishment but also inconsistent boundaries, or lack of boundaries most definitely.

She also grabs him- I think it's meant to be in an affectionate way but it's too rough and he doesn't like it, so then she shouts at him if he cries or pushes her away.

This little boy seems very angry to me- and rightfully so!

I watched a video - I think by Lisa A Romano which said the children  want to be seen so as parents that they should encourage the children to let anger out, not at people but at something else like objects.
When is little boy was hitting children, i tried to encourage him to hit my pillows, to his anything that isn't people. He hits me and i think that i can take it, so i should be his punching bag, because i know he is so angry and i want to help him.
But then i know that wouldn't be teaching him the right way to express anger, and its dis respectful to me,
so he has been hitting the wall with his plastic toy in the garden.

If there is nothing else he can hit, i feel awful for telling him he is not ok for him to hit me.

I can't bear this little boy grabbing onto me. It breaks my heart. I want to me to pick him up and hug and hold him because he is so scared of  his own mum .
Sometimes like today I don't feel anything about it, and like the time when he was hit, it was like i was emotionally numb but i did feel uncomfortable to it. But i have been disassociated this week.

If things kick off and it up sets me have to leave and go to  my room  and sometimes i leave and go to the cafe in town or the park.

He falls asleep on the couch as she makes that his bed...even if its noisy in the lounge with the TV she has on really loud- and music channel too, so when she carries him up to bed, it might wake him I dont think he gets the most restful sleep.
I imagine he wouldnt anyway  with the stress and he often wakes in the night crying she said and then he is hungry. He must also wake from hunger from not eating much.
But he is not being given a calm environment in which to sleep.

I think that he is really tired from not having much sleep and for not having a bedtime routine. He sometimes does not stop and if he is tired, she doesnt notice. there is no, its bedtime soon , lets wind down. Its hard for him to wind down too when people are in the lounge, moving about, talking and cooking.

Tonight she said that it's time for bed and he started crying. He might have been woken up to get taken to bed. and i reckon he wanted to be picked up to go upstairs as he was so tired. He likes me to carry him upstairs.
I think that the tiredness as well as the stress is getting to him like it does with all to year-olds
She said why are you crying! stop crying stop crying !
If you're going to cry I'm going to leave you here.
(She was in the hallway and she was going to go upstairs with him)

and she can't even let him just be a two-year-old
His childhood is completely stolen  he's just not allowed to be a child
It just makes me so sad
I wonder if this happened to me too.
  I know that being silly and being a child and making a mess of being loud was not tolerated by my mother
When the whole maths homework thing happened and I was four I was crying and she didn't come for me but instead comforted my sister who was crying because she was scared because I was crying
  This isn't about me but I don't remember what happened to me during the early years as I just don't remember
The whole if you're going to cry I'm going to leave you here and stop crying stop being silly it all seems to make sense to me as though it happened to me
I'm not sure if I was sent to my room as a child for  crying
I'm not sure if my mother sent me to my room, saying things such as, you can stay in there until you've sorted yourself out, until you've booked up your ideas
You can come down when you have changed your ideas or when you have stopped crying
I have a very very dim memory that I'm not sure is real, but its of me banging on my bedroom door after being told to go in there, and I'm crying.

I just wanted to get this out

Secondly there is a new girl  that came here yesterday
I was nervous around here is today  and the other two seem to get on really well and the second with the callous as I don't like this of them very much because of her parenting although rather I don't like  her parenting
  I thought that had been pushed out but maybe that is because of what's happened with friends lately
It filled me with anxiety yesterday  only today that ice has been broken which doesn't mean that I want to feel afraid
It's another  stress here when I thought that the  stresses were going to stay the same

We are going for a birthday meal for his mother, the new girl is comming and I'm just really nervous about it I'm actually dreading it and I'm not really sure  why
I guess just hanging out with them outside of here then I think they might see that and in- perfect
Im scared that my visual impairment might be revealed to them
The other knows about it but doesn't know the extent
I'm just so afraid  that if it comes up they won't accept it for what it is that they won't understand it because it seems that I do so well and it seems that my vision is better than actually is because of the way I have been brought up to pretend that everything is fine.

I guess I just didn't want to get involved with anybody from the refuge outside of the refuge and this new girl wants to come to volunteering with me and I guess I just don't want everything to be mixed. My T said i split things off from each other - compartmentalise. and the thought of her comming with me just makes me feel uncomfortable. Apart from X , that part of my life is still the same, its the only place i can relax a little that has nothing to do with the refuge, and i need a place like that in my life.

And when I leave the refuge, I don't want any reminders of this place has just been a horrible horrible time so if she is in the centre after i leave it will be a reminder and I don't know what to do.
I know she is bored and wants to do some thing like volunteering, so i dont want to be selfish, its just how i feel.
I'm just being brutally honest  here

Tonight they were talking and I thought of the new girl asked me a question so I answered but she was actually asking the other girl I question
They both laughed and after a while and I know it's all in good humour part of me can't help feeling offended and upset that I made the mistake due to not being able to see in which direction she was looking so i couldn't see who she was talking to and her question could have easily been directed at any of us. (dont need to see to know but the question was not obvious who it was for)
If i was totally blind - they would udnersand...as people do. They always understood my partner- and yeah , jokes are fine...but with me, i worry that they just think I'm ditzy and stupid (omg, thats what my dad said to me, I'm clumsy and ditzy when it was due to not seeing well, not a personal flaw of mine , which he thought it was!! )
It hurts as i just want them to know that I'm not stupid or silly, and that my vision just isn't good.
I want the same underhanding that other people get, and sure, its hard to give it cos i appear fine always...with no challenges, but i think they'll think I'm a faliour or making it up.
My dads comments and my mother being annoyed at me being VI, maybe thats why this stuff hurts. and it seemed that totally blind narc X got help and undersading that i never got.

I *slipped up* and whilst i know that logically it is not my fault, i feel stupid and ashamed, especially as i dont feel i can explain to them why.

The girl whose birthday it is we are also going to the cinema and the film is in her language  and she asked me about the subtitles she said I can read the subtitles and I don't know why but I was honest with her and said that I'm not sure ill be able to read them.
Maybe she didnt understand, despite knowing that i can't see the tv from where it is in the lounge...she kept asking over and over throughout the evening and eventually I said I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them but  I will try.

She did ask if I was okay buying the ticket of the movie that I might understand as it's in a different language , which was nice.
The visual impairment is such a sensitive subject for me and I've been avoiding therapy and she noticed I wanted to know why  but she understood that had a lot of answers about it and that it was a really sensitive subject
My mother made me feel really bad about it
And whilst I know that logically it's not my fault I feel so ashamed about it
So we will see how it goes
It's just so mightily triggering for me if people just don't understand or if i  pretend  which I have been doing for my entire life.

Im really worried that this meal will be triggering- because mealtimes with him are, but also..maybe it reminds me of something.
What will I do? What should i do if so?
leave her birthday meal?
What would the healthy, self respectful thing be to do???

So that's that, thank you forum for let me just get this out
I know that one day I can always do I will probably forget all of my time here just as I will probably forget all of what happened living with  narc X
As I already forgot a lot of what happened when we lived in office place
And whilst I would love to forget this ever happened part of me knows that things happen for a reason this has happened probably to help me learn and partly can't forget it I definitely can't forget what happened to this little boy because I need to do something about it when I leave here
All this learning and all this information that I need to gather to help him and myself it would seem silly to waste time just listen forget
Whilst I may have no visual images of what happened when I leave here at least I will have the facts

My goodness Sienna, just read through this post today. You've gone from one stress to another.  :hug:

In regard to the little boy, it is so easy to see the damage that can be caused to children simply because their parents don't know any better. Its easy to see what is abusive whether in an extreme or subtle form. And it is always distressing. Poor little munchkin.

Do you have much contact with him, have you built a good rapport with him? My nephew and I are thick as thieves, and he is a big reason for my happiness. His parents are good people (the one sister I talk to), but I do have to bite my tongue sometimes. Sometimes I jump right in before they can, and use my old teaching strategies to redirect or divert his attention in a constructive way before he can be reprimanded or smacked. On one occasion I couldn't help but take him away from his parents when he was utterly distraught from getting into trouble for doing something that I quite frankly thought was not naughty. But overall, my sister does appreciate it, especially when he starts to jump all over her on the couch and I swoop in on him with an idea for a game or shove a toy under his nose or grab him and tickle him on the floor or... anything before she loses her temper.

We can't do much to change how parents bring up their children (beyond calling the authorities for flat out abuse). But we can be another source of fun, happiness and safety. For us it is something little, mindless, silly, routine...for them it is the world. I'll admit though it is not easy. Especially as you have mentioned triggers.

Maybe you can be like a cool aunt, and give him the positive reinforcement when you see something worth praising? Play a little game or two? it might serve as a subtle hint to his mother :)

I do realise that what I say could be completely ignorant of what you're expressing, so ignore away if need be.

Well said Contessa.

Hey Contessa,
I really appreciate you reading my post, i know it was long.

The refuge is not the peaceful, supportive place i thought it would be. The woman in charge is useless and when i told her about the sexual assault, (shoulnt have, i got upset when she asked me how things were, if i was ok...and everything had built up) she was very invalidating and told me to move on and forget about it.
She made excuses for this guy..when what i wanted her to understand / validate, were my feelings.
She joins in in telling this little boy to just eat and to be quiet, not understanding why he is like that, thinking he is the problem - or he is where the problem started.
She says shhhh!

In regard to the little boy, it is so easy to see the damage that can be caused to children simply because their parents don't know any better. Its easy to see what is abusive whether in an extreme or subtle form. And it is always distressing. Poor little munchkin.
Yes.

I do play with him.
Im sorry to hear that your sister isn't the best parent. That must be hard for your nephew and also for you.
Sometimes I jump right in before they can, and use my old teaching strategies to redirect or divert his attention in a constructive way before he can be reprimanded or smacked.
Man. Its so lovely that you want to help him.
Is your sister working on dealing with her anger when around him? letting of steam some other way than being mad with him?

The only thing i can do, (i try to do all you said you do), is to be a fun person for him to play with.

When it gets too much, i have to go to my room, or go out for a break.
I also give him positive reinforcement.
I am not sure if his mother is annoyed that he seems to like me so much.

It wasnt ignorant at all. Im trying to take care of me when in flashbacks, and also him.
I want to repot his mother when I leave here, I just hate having to wait.
I thought if ringing up and asking them what i can do.
If i report it now...then that might be ok...i just dont want her to know its me...and i dont want this child to be in any pain if i report her. i just dont know what happens when you report something, apart from the fact that they might not take it seriously.

Some people are so out of touch aren't they? They may be sympathetic but have absolutely no empathy through lack of experience or a completely different temperament. They think they are helping when in fact they say the worst possible thing. In some cases they're just plain stroking their own egos because they truly lack altruism.

Yeah it is tough on the little guy at times but on the same token, his parents really are doing the best they can. His father was abused as a child, and my sister and I were brought up in a house with a lot of anger. The munchkin is loved tremendously, and the affection he does receive from them is very heartwarming. When he is a little naughty, or acting too silly, he can be reprimanded in a way that I can see does not work, may not match his crime, and at times tips the balance of control. His parents didn't have the good example when they were young, and so are still trying to find the right way. My sister is definitely working on it but really needs the break sometimes, the munchkin is a big handful. In plenty of respects shes doing a lot better than was I could :)

QuoteI do play with him.

QuoteThe only thing i can do... is to be a fun person for him to play with.

QuoteWhen it gets too much, i have to go to my room, or go out for a break.
I also give him positive reinforcement.
I am not sure if his mother is annoyed that he seems to like me so much.

Perfect. He's got a break from his mother, you get to enjoy him, and you balance that with time for yourself. His mother being annoyed... maybe, in which case that's her problem. Or she could be observing your strategies. Sometimes I think my sister was annoyed too but, she never said anything so I did not worry. All she ever did was ask me how I would deal with some of the hairy situations and then practice them with me.

Reporting is a tough one. I like the idea of asking for advice on that. I'm not sure how the system works where you are. In the meantime, enjoy hanging with with the little one. You'll both be happier for it :)

Thank you Danaus plexippus :)

Yes, exactly Contessa. They do think they are helping.
Do you know the saying- Don't worry, be happy?
I was brought up to think that when others say dont worry, dont cry...it meant *i want you to be happy* and that it was a nice thing.
But it never felt nice. They are saying, you have to fit into my idea of what i want you to be. Don't be yourself.

From what ive learned, i cant help wondering if that woman in charge had a past in which she was invalidated.
The mother is like that too at the refuge. The new girl, she had a death in the family, and the mother told me that she said to her, to come out of her room and just be happy, to just forget about it. She is always like this, and it makes me feel incredibly unsafe.
I get so afraid that if anyone accidentally found out that i was upset or needed space..that they would invalidate me and it hurts so much.
Even if i know that its ok and that I'm taking care of myself, and that my feelings are valid, it still stings when things like that are said.

I hate that other woman at the office. I didnt tell her anything yesterday, she misunderstood what i said , and i never said anything personal at all, but she said to me that what happened with my X isn't that serious.
She meant because he is not coming after me like the X's of the other girls was.
But i wondered if she meant that what happened to me, (narc abuse- she doesnt know anything about it, only that it was psychological stuff) *was not* serious.
I felt awful and had to go to this mothers birthday meal and film after that.

And, I'm just outfitting here, staff went into my room yesterday. I wasnt in so they wondered where iw as so they went in as they are allowed to if they havent seen me for a while.
In the office, she had the empty bottle of wine i drank whilst having flashbacks last monday evening.
She said, do u recognise that? and i couldn't see it from where i was (i have a vision problem) and i just panicked cos i couldn't see it. She knows about my lack of vision but people just dont understand.
I nearly cried as i wanted her to know that i knew we are not allowed alcohol here, but that i didnt know what else to do.
The refuge has not been supportive since i came here. She said before that they offer counselling- but i havent ever been offered any.

After her saying to me that she is here and that we will talk about what happened and how I'm feeling, she never did.
And I'm glad because  she is so unsupportive and invalidating.
But i just think that people come here, and those with parents who tell them to go back to their X's or who live abroad or like me, who were abusive so i dont see them anymore...
we have know one. And we cant even drink or smoke here, to help deal with the problems.
I understand their reasons for the drink. They are worried things will get out of hand if people are intoxicated.
Just, she could have asked why i felt the need to drink.
And she of course, doesn't know me, so she doesnt know that i hide away to drink.

And she was annoyed with me when we had to make a phone call about housing benefit mess up.
She acted the whole time, as though she was p*st off with me for making a mistake.
She said she was going on holiday for the next two weeks. And she said, that she has to call back now and that it takes ages to get through, but the tone in which she said it, I'm to imagining this in my head, i felt really uncomfortable and just like an inconvenience.
And she sighed about the fact that it was her job to go and write housing benefit a letter before she went home.
She should not be doing this job - this job involves interacting with women who have been abused, and you can not afford to just see it as a *job* that you *have to do*, and if you do, then fine, but i dont think that letting that show to the women living here is ok at all.
People need support, not invalidation and being made to feel like an inconvenience.

I am glad that the little one receives affection
His parents didn't have the good example when they were young, and so are still trying to find the right way.
I am glad that your sister is trying to find better ways to parent. I know its hard. I reckon that you might do a good job. You might not know what to do, but i reckon you would find a way.
What about her husband / partner? Is he aware? Is he trying too?

All she ever did was ask me how I would deal with some of the hairy situations and then practice them with me.
Woah, thats so great. See, you must have been doing a good job!

Reporting is a tough one. I like the idea of asking for advice on that. I'm not sure how the system works where you are. In the meantime, enjoy hanging with with the little one. You'll both be happier for it :)
Thanks. Yes, i will have to see. Ill ask them all the questions when the time comes.
I wish she would go and get help- though a lengthy process.   :hug:

Danaus, i missed your post, I'm sorry.

I often don't want to live anymore myself.
Im so sorry Danaus. Its really hard.

For better or worse everyone I trust knows better than to promise to take care of my cats if anything happened to me, so I'm stuck here taking care of them.
How do you mean Danaus? Why do they know better than to promise?
Do you think that your cats will outlive you?

I definitely do think that venting here under a pseudonym is with out consequences.

I dont think that T will send me to an involvery place .I nearly came close to telling her what these dark thoughts are that i mentioned i have.
I just have the feeling that she would accept ti as part of Cptsd and wouldnt send me anywhere at this point. They come and go, they are no continuous every day, but the pattern of feeling this way is continuous.

Thank you for the advice and for the links.
I have lost all hope in support services as i have not received emotional support of any kind here at the refuge, so i definitely dont want to go to anywhere inpatient. I dont think i need that and i dont think it would help.

I hope you are ok Danaus.  :hug:

My friends know better than to promise to take care of my cats because the night I stood on the edge of the railway platform waiting to the next train to come barreling into the station, the thought that I had not made arraignments for them was the only thing that kept me from taking a flying leap.

Yes of course it is possible they may outlive me.

I felt awful earlier this evening because the little one was in my room. After adking him- even more assertively, to leave with me because food had been nafe and I didn't want both if them in heter because they use my stuff and ness up my room, he riyals by vin come.his mother is inconsistent with what she asks him So he doesn't do it.
Also it's a cry fur attention Sbd maybe pushing boundaries.
He was rolling around on my bed.
He won't leave , he runs about and folks around etc do I have to pick him up which I don't like doing.
I don't want him to feel out of control Snd I picked him up once And dI can't remember if I had asked him first or not but I felt so bad and remember thinking that I must ask / tell him if he needs to leave my room.

I couldn't pick him up tonight because he kept rolling about and I don't want to hurt him when u can't reach him.
I totally lost my cool and shouted "listen to me" .
He quite bed and he dies this thing where he won't walk and unhdve to carry him out.
I put him down a bit too heavily.
I felt like my mother Snd felt they I had totally failed.
This anger just came shooting out of me from know where.
I know there is s lot if angst in me and I don't let him in my room if I am angry.
He is a lot of hard work- his behaviour rather Abd I believe it's because if the way his mother is with him.
8ts not his fault,
I felt like such a terrible person Abd  worried I scared him.
It seems that no matter how serious you are, he "seems" un afraid.

Earlier when I had to help cook in the kitchen, he wouldn't leave. I think he is scared to go Snd be with his mother and would rather be in my tmro which is understandable, I hate this because it souls maybe selfish and as if I regard my things as more important than him - which o don't,
But I have things I need and can't easily replace such as my vision AIDS and my sunglasses- one pair the kids took and I haven't found so thru are gone and cost £30 to replace- money o don't have right now due to not having kvh mkvej and having to afford therapy, stay here and food as my X is not here to help me out money wise anymore,

I talked to him in a more serious voice and sags that I just asked him to come with me out of the room and theft you didn't do what I saud, so can you cons bus please. Abs he said yes and came which was a lot more effective.
I try to explain why I'm asking something of him like they because I hate helm the "because I said so" thins parents say.
I fight want him to on correctly learn that you just have to do as others say always because then his boundaries will be bad and I don't think it's right for children to only do things out of fear.

I hope I didn't scare him by loosing my cool.
I always thought ghost if I had a child of my own I would loose it and I have been trying so hard. It is overwhelming abs a lot to take in bring with a 2 And 3 year old- being with him in general because he is so loud And rowdy,

I had to go Snd have a coverage to punish myself and I was so upset.
I found him and apologised and said to him that I shouldn't have shouted st him, I said I was sorry but did nut ask him to forgive me. That has to cone on the persons own terms in their own time.
Don't know if he understood but he let me effectionatkeu rub his shoulder and his back,
Just wanted up offload that.
I don't think I will end up like my mother and go far, I think the way I handled that with the taking s break and the apology was more than she ever did. But I can understand her overwhelm.

:'( Danaus plexippus

Those thoughts are utterly horrible. Scary to have them at first, then each time after that becomes less so. I envy those that do not understand those thoughts.

Glad you've got friends who know, and show that they would rather have you in their lives than not :)

Sienna you've had a very rough few days.

Maybe the little one feels more comfortable and safer with you, something you already alluded to. That's all I can think of. They don't have the ability to reason at this age so communication is very tough for both child and adult. It really is a case of playing and winning the mind games with them until they develop the ability.

I remember supernanny being big for a while. Might be a good idea to look some of the episodes up on youtube? In the meantime can you close the door to your room? If you would like me to suggest a strategy or two feel free to PM me and i'll see what I can come out with.

Have you begun to settle from the events of the last few days?

Excellent suggestion. I'd forgotten all about Supernanny. Hope it helps.

My gosh, i just can not write accurately on my phone.
Corrected version- if you guys understood it - I'm surprised! haha.

I felt awful earlier this evening because the little one was in my room.
After asking him- even more assertively, to leave with me because food had been made, and I didn't want both of them in there with out me because they use my stuff and mess up my room, he would not come.
His mother is inconsistent with what she asks him so he doesn't do it and then he is shouted at / punished basically when he doesn't do what she says. There is no follow through so why would he? Its not his fault.
Also it's a cry for attention and maybe he is pushing boundaries. There is definitely a lack of them, and kids need them in order to feel safe.

He was rolling around on my bed to avoid leaving my room.
He wouldnt leave , he runs about and rolls around etc and I have to pick him up which I don't like doing as thats the only way he will leave.
I don't want him to feel out of control by me doing this and I picked him up one time and I can't remember if I had asked him to leave first or not, but I felt so bad and remember thinking that I must ask / tell him if he needs to leave my room first before picking him up. He needs to feel in control of his own body.

I had to pick him up lots of times after asking / telling him he needs to leave because he wouldnt, but I couldn't pick him up tonight because he kept rolling about on my bed and I don't want to hurt him when I can't reach him.
I totally lost my cool and shouted "listen to me" .

He quietened and he does this thing where he won't walk and you have to carry him out of the room. He wont put his legs out so if you let him down to the floor, he just falls.
I put him down a bit too heavily.

I felt like my mother and I felt that I had totally failed.
This anger just came shooting out of me from know where.
I know there is s lot if anger in me and I don't let him in my room or interact with him if I am angry for fear of loosing it.
He is a lot of hard work- his behaviour rather and I believe it's because of the way his mother is with him. Its not his fault.

I felt like such a terrible person and Im worried that I scared him.
It seems that no matter how serious you are, he "seems" un afraid.

Earlier when I had to help cook in the kitchen, - before the food was ready- he wouldn't leave. I think he is scared to go and be with his mother and would rather be in my room which is understandable, I hate this because it sounds maybe selfish and as if I regard my things as more important than him - which I don't,
But I have things I need and can't easily replace such as my vision aids and my sunglasses- one pair the kids took and I haven't found so they are gone and it will cost £30 to replace- money I don't have right now due to not having narc X around anymore who used to help me out, service charge weekly for this place, having to afford therapy and food.

So earlier, when i had to go help in the kitchen, I talked to him in a more serious tone of voice and said that I just asked you to come out with me and you didn't do what I said, so can you come with me now please
And he said yes and came which was a lot more effective.
I did feel bad through.
But i always make sure i change my tone- because he is not in trouble! and i will hold his hand and we will leave together.

I try to explain why I'm asking something of him because I hate phrase my parents used which was "because I said so" .
I dont want him to un- correctly learn that you just have to do as others say always because then his boundaries could be poor and I don't think it's right for children to only do things out of fear.

I hope I didn't scare him by loosing my cool.
I always thought that if I had a child of my own I would loose it and I have been trying so hard. It is overwhelming and a lot to take in being with a 2 and 3 year old- being with him in general because he is so loud and rowdy.

I had to go and have a cigerate to punish myself and I was so upset.
I found him and apologised and said to him that I shouldn't have shouted at him, I said I was sorry but did not ask him to forgive me. That has to cone on the persons own terms in their own time.
Don't know if he understood but he let me affectionately rub his shoulder and his back.

What do you do when a child is afraid to leave, but you also have to not have your stuff broken or taken? They are fine in my room when i am there. I need to demonstrated healthy boundaries for him, otherwise the might think he can get away with everything and i need to respect my own. I guess, this mother will continue to be the way she is with him weather or not i let him stay in my room when I'm out of there, because it isn't all day every day that he is in there.

Just wanted up offload that.

I don't think I will end up like my mother and so far, I think the way I handled that with the taking a  break and the apology was more than she ever did. But I can understand her overwhelm.

Hey Contessa, thanks. and thanks for your understanding about the last few days being rough.

at this age so communication is very tough for both child and adult. It really is a case of playing and winning the mind games with them until they develop the ability.
Yes, i think your right.

I have watched Supernanny before.
The only thing i didnt like about it was the *naughty step*. I have read that it is abandonment - physical and emotional abandonment to put a child on the naughty step.
I personally see why they say that, and this mother puts him on the naughty step.
I think that a child should be taught why what they did is not ok, not left on their own when they make mistakes.
and it breaks my heart when children are put on it and they cry, and know one comes. That happened to me as a child, and when it happens to this little boy, i end up crying (in my room of course) a lot. I think it reminds me of what happened to me.
But- the other tips are good on the programme- so thank you for that.
I always found it hard to watch it as it involves children, but maybe I'm getting used to children, or maybe I'm just numb, now that i have been thrown in the deep end so to speak.

Maybe i could just not let the kids in. i have stopped letting them use my make up etc. because I'm running out fast.
I guess i just worry that it confuses them. They might wonder whats changed. i did say that i have no money to buy anymore but i dont know if they understand that.

Thanks for the offer of the Pm. really kind of you. I will see how things go.

Yes, yesterday was a bit calmer thanks. And i felt a bit better when i woke today. A lot of it has to do with whats going on in the house. If there is like, hardly anyone around and no shouting and crying children, i feel a bit better.
Thanks for asking. I really appreciate your support.
How are you Contessa?   :hug:

Danaus, I have heard that peoples animals, they often stop going through with it because of thoughts about what will happen to them.
Im so sorry you have felt like this.

I guess it is possible that they will outlive you. I hope this is no true.
You deserve to be here in this world. I know from my own experience that its very hard to believe that, and even if i believe it, (or i *think* i do), the pain that this world is and the pain i feel is enough to make me not want to live anymore. Maybe you relate.  :hug: :hug:

Thanks, I'm medicated now and in group therapy with other women in similar situations. To anyone who can not afford private therapy, I highly recommend group therapy. Honestly it's the best therapy experience I've ever had.

One of my cats is 20 years old and cuddling between my arm and my heart right now. My other cat is 15, semi- feral and purrs like a motorboat.

The "refuge" sounds like something out of the old movie, "The Snake Pit" an institution deliberately designed to make you want out.

Thats good Danaus. I hope it works out. Thanks for recommending group therapy. Im so glad it is helping you.

Umm. I wonder if there is any way you could afford therapy if you wish to go.  I know that Emma Wicks on youtube talked about how she made a Facebook post or something like that, and people put together money for her to afford it. Don't know where you are living but in the UK (its rubbish and such a long wait), you can go on the NHS.
My doctor when i came of my antidepressants wouldnt give me therapy on the NHS so i changed doctors. He kept saying i only want therapy and that i feel how i feel because of pill withdrawal despite me expelling to him that these issues have been the same for years, even before i was on pills.

That is so sweet about your cats! aww. i cant believe he is 20 years old! Thats good going for a cat!

Haha, Danaus!
The "refuge" sounds like something out of the old movie, "The Snake Pit" an institution deliberately designed to make you want out.
It is. Its not restful. And because i cant express emotions, and because i feel to anxious to leave my room at times, i feel how i sued to feel living with my narc mother and my father at home as a child. Cant wait to leave.

The black and white cat in the background of my avatar is the mother of my 20 year old cat. She died after our apartment was destroyed by a fire. I don't remember if I ever wrote about that.

What a cute kitty Danaus. It must be lovely to have some friends to cuddle around the house :)

Sienna, I'm going quite well at the moment. Had a busy few days so am very quiet on here a the moment. Apologies if I seem abrupt, very tired at the moment!

I'll admit I vaguely remember supernanny, I do rememebr that she practiced many strategies that could be useful as a start. But of course take or leave whatever seems aligns with your personal values. You're very in touch with them when interacting with the little one, its lovely to read :)

Glad you're calmer today. I agree whats happening in the house will be key to your mood... there are not other refuges about that you can perhaps explore?

Sorry this is short guys, sleep is calling me...

Yes, cute Kittie indeed Danaus!

I am glad your doing ok Contessa, and i hope you can take it easy after your busy few days.
You dont sound abrupt at all.

Yes, i could have just said thanks for the suggestion couldnt I! I was worried that you had watched it and that you agreed with the naughty step thing, and thats totally ok...but i worry and its all me in my own head! I worry that i am the only one who thinks these things and part of me feels safe with myself, and trusts in what i believe is right and what isn't (not with everything though and i have major problems trusting my intuition).
So yes- all my own worries.

You're very in touch with them when interacting with the little one, its lovely to read :)
Aw...thanks!

Thank you for suggesting about another refuge.
I have thought about going to another refuge. I was worried that the same problems would be at other ones too- not to say that they definitely would be, but i felt that moving would also be stressful and i would experience anxiety around new people like i did when i came here and that i might not be able to leave my room.
I know it sounds weird, as I'm so upset about the little boy and it makes me flashback, but i am concerned that there would be similar problems in a new place if that makes sense.

I watched my horoscope reading on youtube the other day, so far, it doesnt seem too generalised and seems very accurate to my situation's. She predicted everything that happened in my life thus far....whatever anyone thinks about that, i do think she may have a gift of strong intuition for seeing into the future but i could be wrong. Anyway, she said that this month, things will get moving. So i hope i wont be here long after sending these forms off.

I hope you had a good sleep.  :hug:

A thought just occurred to me.
When i have been treated unfairly, or when someone like X neglected me, or when someone invades my boundaries, i dont even notice. Not all the time.
And then later, i think - hang on a minute! and i feel angry.

The little one was knocking on my door this morning, shouting my name. I was still asleep and it work me.
I suddenly thought, why doesnt his mother, tell him that i might still be sleeping so to come away?
I cant ask her to thought cos he is abusive to him. And she would probably deal with it by shouting at him, which would make him cry etc etc.
Its just like...hello! I'm in the world too, and that bedroom is the only person space i have.
She is self absorbed though, just like the others.
None of them can see past their own nose.

Just a rant.

You're a very considerate person, wish you were getting the same consideration in return. You deserve it.  :hug:

It does sound like you are settling down a bit Sienna. And Three Roses is right, you do need some consideration in return.

I remember there was a bit of controversy with the naughty step. I don't agree with it's name but "time out" has better connotations. I wouldn't have a dedicated object for a child to go to either, but there it is necessary that they learn to self sooth.

My nephew sometimes stand outside of my door and says "Wake up Aunty Contessa!" He just wants to play and sometimes I let him in, but if I don't make a sound he eventually leaves. Its not abandonment, he's just learning that he has to do something else until I get up. And you have every right to do that too, you are not selfish for it.

I understand that you need some stability and looking for a new refuge is too much of an upheaval at the moment. But it is clear that your needs aren't being met where you are for now. I hope you are able to settle enough that a new place becomes a more attractive option, but all in your own time!

Aw, thank you Three Roses. That is very validating.
You deserve it too :hug:

Thanks Contessa.
And today was a good day. 

It definitely is necessary to get a child to learn how to self soothe.
I have major issues with a child being left on their own when they have done someitng wrong, i wonder if it sub consciously forms this connection their heads up to adult hood- though out their whole lives that says
when i make a mistake / do something wrong, i will be alone, abandoned, and know one will come to me to comfort me when i am upset with my self or disappointed that i made a mistake.
This kid too, is not being taught how to self soothe because his mother never soothes or comforts him.

The other day, i think the little girl took his juice off him - but whatever, he came over to me crying, red in the face, really upset. I hugged him and asked him what happened.
I went with him to get the juice back.
It was over and done with in a second. Beautiful as Lisa A Romano says.
His upset and crying would have gone on much longer if i was his mother, telling him as usual to stop crying. Just makes it worse as she is invalidating and ignoring him.
No comfort or acknowledgement of his pain what so ever.

Haha, does your nephew actually call you *Contessa*? Im guessing that is just your screen name for here. 
Oh yes, i totally know. Kids have to learn that they can't always get their way. Which is why i leave it and dont let them in if i dont want to.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm not selfish for that. I do feel bad as i know the little boy wants to be away from his mother.

thank you for verifying to me that my needs are not being met where i am right now.
I hope i will be moving into my own place soon. These forms are hard but i will get through them.
I hope your ok Contessa?  :hug:

Hello again!

Yeah i'm still going well, all good here :) still got a way to go in moving forward, but at the moment I seem to have settled which means I will be better able to handle the outside world soon.

My thought is there's a difference between making a mistake and being deliberately naughty. There needs to be a balance between comforting and reassuring a child when a genuine accident/mistake occurs and when they are being intentionally disruptive, or having a tantrum. Too much attention and they will never self sooth either. Its tough, but doable.

You did the right thing with the juice :) very pleasing to read.

No he doesn't actually call me "Contessa" though one of my friends does, hence the name. Glad to hear that you are in the process of moving toward your own home, it will be so good to have some time to yourself! Good luck with the forms, little by little!

Until next timec :hug:

Hey!
Sounds like you have been having problems handling the outside world? Have you been isolating a bit? Of course you dont have to talk about it if you dont want to.

You are right, i never thought of that. There IS such as thing as being deliberately naughty.
You did the right thing with the juice :) very pleasing to read.
I hope so. Thanks.

I do love the name Contessa! Its coo that one of your friends call you it. just the thought of the child shouting through your bedroom door, Wake up Contessa! it just tickled me as you dont normally hear the name Contessa.

Thanks for wishing me luck with the forms.
Take care of yourself,
:hug:

Yes, definitely had a problem a month ago for several weeks. Its distressing because I love being in it, but periodically get that fear and need to shut off.

In fact douchy made a comment on it that he hadn't seen me for ages.

Yeah and 3 seems to be the age where it comes in too. Had to pull the nephew into line last week because he's starting to try out his manipulation skills... but he is genuinely apologetic if he has any accidents. He's starting to test me a little :)

No, but its just the name my friend calls me when he is wishing me the best, it has very positive connotations. Makes me happy. But the nephew, soo cute when he does it. Xox love him.

Let us know how you go with the new accomodation!

Yes, definitely had a problem a month ago for several weeks. Its distressing because I love being in it, but periodically get that fear and need to shut off.
Im really sorry Contessa- what are you referring to here? or what is it in reply to?

In fact douchy made a comment on it that he hadn't seen me for ages.

Yeah and 3 seems to be the age where it comes in too. Had to pull the nephew into line last week because he's starting to try out his manipulation skills... but he is genuinely apologetic if he has any accidents. He's starting to test me a little :)
Umm yes. I think its normal. And asserting dominance too. Testing stuff. Being bossy.

That is so sweet of your friend. Im glad it has positive connotations. Its so unusual too.  ;)

Aw, thank you, i will let you know. will be a bit yet till then.  :hug:

I had *such* a great day today.
Didn't see narc X about at all. Didnt hear him. And i didnt hear his annoying whistling that makes my heart jump. (in a bad way)

This guy at volunteering asked how i was doing.
To my surprise, i told him in the casual way that i sometimes do, that I'm ok, but that i cant wait to move, things are difficult.
He said he saw the reply to a quote on Facebook i had written in the comments (i thought after i impulsively sent it, that i shouldnt have)
It was about the reasons why others spread rumours about you.
It said that when they can no longer get to you in the way that they want to, that is what they do as a last resort.
I am no longer supply anymore to my narc X. So if he has done that, and thus all my so called friends who were never friends in the first place, are on his side.
This guy thought that i was thinking of the narc lady who left and spread rumours about me around the centre last year (around the same time that my narc boyfriend dumped me)
I hate the summer. There seems to be a pattern of people leaving my life around that time.
But maybe its positive, as i got rid of two narcs, by them getting rid of me.
I said it wasnt about her, and told him a little about what X did and about how i dont have any friends anymore.
I didnt say it in full, but he knew exactly what i was talking about.
He said that he is sorry that it happened.
It was so incredibly validating, and boosted me up. I felt more energetic this afternoon, and happier. I felt heard, seen, supported and believed.
He knew exactly what that other narc lady was like and he got scared and stopped going to her house to help her with jobs. He has had run ins with neighbours who he said *were like narc lady*, and they called the police on him, saying that he did things that he didnt do.
He could be lying...but he believed me today and i thanked him for that.

I felt so sad when i thought, that my own father had not even been that supportive.
When  he came down to see me, he did not ask if i was ok and he did not ask what happened.
He ignored my fears that i told him about when i was with X.
Last night, that thought out of know where suddenly popped into my head- about my dad and his lack of fatherliness, worry, support and concern,, and it bothered me.
Its like I'm realising all this stuff about my FOO and I'm in shock. It doesnt feel real.

I asked if i could join this man who works at the centre (i know, all the men)...for a ciggie.
He has had a lot of family deaths lately. I was surprised that i could so freely ask him.
I used to be preoccupied with thoughts that he hates me, and my X said to me when we were together, that this man told us what his husband does (husband is a therapist)
and told us he works with people with personality disorders, because he thinks that i have BpD.
i mean, what a sweeping statement.
Im sure this guy doest actually think this. I was self conscious around him for so long.
He let me finish his cigggie as i was looking for mine and he had to go talk to visitors, and i gave him one of his, and left it on his desk.
I hope he knows that i do care about him and about how he is doing.

Then, up at the Allotment with everyone today, just really relaxed atmosphere and had a laugh with everyone.
They said that they are going down there on Sunday, and we advent been able to go the past few weeks, so I'm so glad about that. the weekends are so long and boring here, and i dont go out to see friends as i decided it was best to not see them, after they invited narc X round with out telling me they were going to.
I think they just think that its my choice to go to the refuge simply because i couldn't stay at theirs, but on the night i left X's place, i knew i had to do it.
I really needed some emotional support. And it was not relaxing at friends, simply invalidating and i couldnt stay there in fear of X comming over even if they let me stay.
They were anything but supportive when this whole thing happened. I hadn't even told this guy anything that i was staying with, and he was drunk and suddenly told me he didnt believe me- i made one small comment - probably something like, i didnt see the signs and i should have left X sooner.
I simply said, that i wouldnt be going to a refuge if it wasnt serious.
Refuge or not- narc abuse is always serious.
There were more behaviours from X whilst i was still living with him after he broke up with me, that lead up to him hurting me by being in bed with another girl, after promising he would have her out of the house by the time i got home, and he even text me asking if i was comming back and when.
he lied in the text and told me she had gone home, only she was there in bed with him when i got back, and it wasnt hurt at them two being together, it was hurt that he intentionally hurt me.
He isn't stupid. He knew i would notice the door being shut to the room where he sleeps, as it normally is open.

Now I'm rambling.
Got a lift home today with another guy as usual on Thursday.
I told him the truth about what happened with y *friends* as he asked and has been asking before, if i still see them and why not.
he understood and said I'm better off with out them.
So that was also validating.

I wanted to get a nice book to put some recover stuff in, and to document this journey, as i feel its a very important chapter for me in my life, and if i succeed and end up more stable and happier in the future, i can look back on how i have grown.
What if this forum does not exist one day and i cant look back so i think a book will be helpful, much as i would like to forget the refuge.
Hope that makes sense.

So on the way to the cafe to do my forms this evening, i went looking for a nice book.

On the way to one shop, i was stopped by a man who wanted money for a charity- bank details.
Told me he didnt want bank details, rambled for ages, payed me compliments,
such as that i look younger than my age, high fived me like 100 times,
told me after i said i was volunteering that day so have no money to give, said it looks like i have a halo around my head-dint now if it was just a saying, or because of my hair colour.
i mean= come on!
I know he has to sell, but its so see through, and some people actually fall for that.
Turned out he actually did want my bank details and i put up boundaries and i was so proud of myself.
I said i dont feel comfortable doing that.
He said, but i thought you wanted to help us!
i said, i do, and i will in my own way, but i just dont trust things like this.
Before, i have caved and then panicked about it later worried that they will take money.
i know he has to do it
I stopped because he handed me a leaflet and i thought that was it.
I missed the shops and they closed because of talking to him.

Then in another shop after that, i couldnt find the door to leave.
A lady rudely told me to go to the till, and i said that i didnt buy anything, and that i was just leaving.
She said rudely to go to the back door to leave pointing *over there*
and said i am, I'm just trying to find my way out.
She said over there, you need to leave, and she was really grumpy. (i get it, end of the day, maybe rude customers..but i hadn't done anything wrong)
I ended up snapping and saying that i am trying to find the door , I'm visually impaired ok?*
and she said, um, sorry and seemed guilty.
I felt bad then and wished i hadn't have snapped. She didnt know i cant see well did she, and thats not her fault.
I just wish that people could have some patience and not take things out on other people.
maybe thats me again, trying to respect my own boundaries??

So, thats that. I guess just wanted to ramble about my day. Thanks for listening.  :thumb:
Even though the end wasnt that positive, I'm ok, and i think that things that touch me on this journey, are important to document.
It gives me hope, that maybe there is some good in the world, and that maybe there will be good days.

Now on to do more of my form.
How is everyone else here?

Sounds like you had some very positive interactions! I'm so happy you found support and validation. :)

And as for the rude shop lady, if she was pressuring you repeatedly and you snipped at her, OH WELL! Maybe next time she won't be so pushy. It's ok that you snapped, you're human and have your limits like everyone. You don't have to please her.

Hope you have more and more good days!   :hug:

Aw, thanks ThreeRoses!
How are you doing? (you dont have to write it here if you dont feel comfortable)

Haha, i hope that next time she wont be so pushy.
It feels like everyone else can just do what they want, where as, i set myself limits, to be the calm one, the person who thinks about others so much that i cant just let loose and be grumpy if i want.
It's ok that you snapped, you're human and have your limits like everyone. You don't have to please her.
Thanks. I guess, for whatever reason, she didnt consider my feelings due to her grumpiness at me, so why should i consider hers?!
I wouldnt be rude just because if someone was rude- but if it happens and I'm annoyed- i guess it happens. No matter what coping skills or how sereen like we are in life, everyone has their moments.
Thanks ThreeRoses.
I hope you have more good days too.  :hug:
oh, and ps. thanks for reading despite being long and bad spelling.

Hey hey Sienna, sounds like you've been kept pretty busy.

Great that you have found an ally. How wonderful is it?

And that grumpy lady could have been having a bad day herself, who knows? Whatever her mood, its not your problem. Glad to hear you were able to stick up for yourself, well done :)

Keep on plugging lady!!

When I'm in a situation where someone is clearly reacting out of proportion the circumstances I can easily tell myself  "Whoa, are they ever having an EF!"

Quote from: Danaus plexippus on July 08, 2016, 03:42:15 AM
When I'm in a situation where someone is clearly reacting out of proportion the circumstances I can easily tell myself  "Whoa, are they ever having an EF!"

🌟⚡💡

What a great perspective!! I hope I can remember that next time I witness the same kind of thing.

Haha! Danaus! Thats funny! Yes, she could well have been in an EF.
I will remember that too! Thanks  ;D

ps. just thought-
a good way to tell if their reaction *is like, out of order / over the top*-
is if its too exaggerated for the circumstances.
Thanks- really helpful.

Omg guys.
This new girl at the refuge-
was upset because her grandma died.
She told me that the other girl who is here (the one with the little boy who doesnt treat him well),
said to her that she needs to come out of her room, dont be sad, just forget about it.
I said that i agree, that was invalidating and insensitive.

Now, this girl and her are doing everything together-
which is great by me, because the refuge has been quiter since they have been doing everything together.
The other lady here - dont see much- see her sometimes and her little girl-
but maybe she stays out the way like i do.
So, the new girl and the girl with the little boy, they stay in her room ive noticed quite a bit- which means its easier on my social anxiety-
i can go to the lounge when i want with out them doing in there.
I hate walking in when others are in there- too self conscious, and if I'm not in a good mood, i worry i have to be *sociable and happy*, or fit in with their vibe,
and i often dont want to get caught up in feeling i have to stay in the lunge if I'm enjoying my space and just want to make a cuppa.

On facebook- this new girl has been writing lots of mushy- over the top stuff and it sickens me to my very core!
It is absolutely hilarious what she is writing to this other girl, about how they will be friends forever.
This new girl, she was mad because on the way to the other girls birthday thing, the mother made her push her son in his push chair, and she one time, asked her why she shouts at her son.
Maybe she is attracting a personality type that she is used to , by being so close with this other person,
but it does make me not trust her,
because she says one thing to me, then does another.
But I'm used to people like that.

Its just so mental. All of it. And I'm not envious or anything, thats not why I'm writing this.
Im so glad that I'm not involved in that.
I never wanted to be close with this other girl as i can't stand the way she treats her son, and i just think that we are very different.
She takes selfies all the time and there is never any conversation that i am really interested in. Noting much deeper than clothes and selfies. Its all about her taking pictures of herself and wanting to show me her photos.

Its so freeing to stick by my morals, and what i feel comfortable with, and now this new person has come in (i hope it stays like this), i feel free, like a lone island, and it feels good!

 Trigger warnings
I am very drunk right now
I drank with them tonight and I shouldn't have
I don't like their company, so i didnt want to.

They said to get pizza and that they will have a pizza and that they were going to drink so I thought I would have one  sensible  a glass of wine
I said to my therapist that I didn't feel the need to drink because I felt like I had to be in control I need to be in control
She said that that is because I have never been in control
I guess that when X was dictating everything I was not in control -I felt out of control but I didn't realise it so therefore drinking and being out of control in those circumstances  took me far away
Now I feel the need to be in control of my own life and of my own self.

I will be able to write about this more clearly in the morning

One girl was talking about how she wanted to kill herself
Very attention seeking behaviour from her tonight- and I'm not meaning because she told me that.
I wasn't sure if it was serious but I thought that if she was showing attention seeking behaviour that she obviously needed the attention - which is a serious matter.

The kids saw us smoking outside after i went after this girl after she said she is going to go and end her life and that she was going outside. She didnt.
I took a cigerate with me, thinking that she might talk for a while. She didnt.
The mother of this little boy wanted a cigerate. In my drunke ness i said yes, forgetting about the fact that *i think* that she went in my cupboard and used my source.
I shouldnt have said yes to the cigerate for her.
I think she used my source because when i got here , she told me she just eats things on the side that people leave out.
So if she tells me she does that to others, she might be doing that to me too.

She had her cigerate wit her son in her arms which i don't like.
It was beyond my control and i had gone outside to be away form the children whilst i had one.
Then, the new girl (the one that wanted to run away) was holding the little boy but he was reaching out for me.
I passed her my cigerate right away and took him and asked her to stub it out for me.
The little boy didnt know what was going on and as usual, his mother was laughing when he was crying and not comforting him.
She said the kids were fighting so she even locked her son out- this all took place in my room, which i didnt want, but they were worried that the other lady there who wasnt involved in this - rightly so as she has two children...
would report us for drinking as its not allowed.
I thought it wasnt ok that she locked her son out and when he was knocking, she ignored it.
Having alcohol in me numbed me to the effects of what was happening- this little boy being upset...and thats weird for me. I would never want to live like that and not be aware to the real effects of his distress.
But- despite my haze, i was very present for him and was there for him, and comforted him.
When they left the room, i sat with him and he ate some crisps from the bowl.
His mother doest involve him, ever offered him any.
I really do think that he feels safer with me.

She asked this new girl to carry her son up to bed cos she was too drunk and as this girl was drunk, this time she actually said no to her- no, he is your son.

This other mother seems so immature to me.
She asked me to take her son, saying she was too drunk.
I said, didnt you think of that before you had a drink?  (a huge thing for me, i was just annoyed)
and she said she has never been this drunk before.

The other girl asked if she could finish my drink.
After me listening to her ramble on about her X and what he did to her, and how much she hates him, she said to me, *you don't need that! let me drink it please!*
We all had a fair share of drink.
I said no, this is mine, if you want some more, its in the bedroom.-
she knew where it was from a minute ago.
The other girl drunk my drink after I had left the room to go to the loo after i had told her that if she wants more drink, that its in the bedroom.
My drink was knocked over and as usual, i thought- was it me? did i do it? was it my fault?

She had gone to bed.
I was angry and went up to her room and asked her if she had drank it - very calmly.
She was quiet for ages and just stared at me and then said, sorry baby and hugged me. I didn't let her hug me and said its ok- which i shouldn't have said.
and walked downstairs letting out a sigh.

Then i started thinking, that she might have forgotten that i said that because she is drunk-
then i thought- does that mean that the boundary that i put up doesnt count??
I used to do this with X and everyone-
oh well, its ok that they did X,Y, and Z, because they have issues, because because because....!!!

Do I have a right to be angry with her for drinking my drink after I told her that it that it was mine and I told her where she can get more if you want to do it even though she is drunk ??
It wasnt my fault if she did forget, due to her being drunk.

Maybe it sounds silly but I was so angry that i put up a boundary, and it wasnt respected.
I heard, that our fear of asking for what we want and need, is that we still wont get what we ant and need, just as we asked as children and never got it.
This rang a huge bell and is the reason i never ask for anything.
I remember not asking for anything as a kid for this reason- the fear that i would feel powerless if the answer was no.

Stupidly I told the other girl what happened about the drink- the one that abuses her son
She completely ignored what i said and told me she felt ill.
She does this all the time though.
She ignores what you say- just like my self absorbed X friends and starts a completely different topic all about herself.
She doesnt care ab out anything i have to say. No wonder i don't connect with her (not that i want to!)
I was angry and stood right up and said, I'm going to bed.

She then knocked on my door and wanted her key.
She kept apologising for me taking her son up. I said i would only do it this once.
I couldn't pick him up properly and he nearly started crying.
I bumped into a few walls too because of the alcohol and the narrow stair gate.

This girl could have taken her son.
She was doing washing dishes in the kitchen and seemed to be moving around ok.

People apologise for things but I don't think that they really mean them as they just do them again and again.

---
Also, tonight, the new girl kept apologising for something that happened between us when she got here.
We were back at the house, after the b day evening, and she kept saying to me to open the door, but not asking nicely, more, ordering me to do it.
She never gets her keys out saying that she cant be bothered, even if I'm loaded up with loads of bags, like that time she came to town with me and i had to get food shopping.
I just said to her *please!* (which might not have been the right way to ask her to not talk to me like that),
and she said sorry and hugged me.
She said she had her hands full, and i didnt see due to vision impairment, that she was carrying a push chair and stuff.
I explained this to her tonight, because at the time, she didnt know that i can't see very well.
She kept apologising saying that she really suffered because of what i had said-
one of my worst fears is upsetting people too if i put up a boundary.
In the end i was annoyed and just said to her that she is making me feel guilty by saying things like that.
Maybe saying *you make me feel guilty*, i should have said *i don't feel good when you say...*
in response to what i said she said see, I'm a bad person, shall i go and die? and all this stuff.
Im done with her. She's too much hard work for me at the moment, and if she really does feel bad- i get it, but i need to look after myself and my own recovery.
I said that it was my fault that i snapped at her, and explained about the boundary thing, but she could have asked nicer, so i wish i hadn't blamed myself as i always do.

Like me they have issues to and maybe their partners had issues with their issues which of course are not their fault-
but maybe they had issues with things they were saying and doing just as my partner had issues with me being so emotionally unavailable and closed off to affection.

Even though he was invasive and Boundary breaking- I think that I am that way from my childhood and not *just because* of the way he treated me - only he did not help as he was a repeat of both of my parents.

The new girl was also saying things such as, in this room, (my room) you cant cry you have to be happy and saying to the little boy to not cry.
It just makes him cry harder.
She told me to not cry either, that you don't cry in this room
Il do what i like thanks. I said, in my room, its ok to cry.
I believe tears are healthy.

I should not have had a drink with them
I need to get out of here as soon as possible -these people have issues
That is okay that they have issues but I don't want to get involved with them.

Why am I so angry at having my band is invaded ?
Do you guys think that is silly but I got so angry that someone drunk my drink after I had told them not to ?
oh, and ps. she let us have some garlic bread, so maybe I'm going over the top here?
tit for tat as they say.
but she had her own glass and didn't have any garlic bread in the end. AND i let her have a slice of my pizza, and she wanted more but i said this is mine, why don't you put yours in the oven? (as we had all got pizza)

It seems that maybe their boundaries were broken or maybe they were never taught them-
but they are out for themselves to compensate.
I don't want to be like that- i don't like others who are like that.
But i need to put up healthy boundaries.

i was so angry last night i ended up smashing my glass in the garden.
The other girl came out and started laughing at me. I must of looked funny cleaning it up.
I couldnt see where the glass was, so i was using the brush to help me find it.
So i was going around the garden in rows to not miss any.
It annoyed me a lot, because she never asked if i was ok or offered help. Just stood their laughing like she laughs at everyones pain.
---
Woke up this morning and the girl who is the mother of the son,
and started following me round the kitchen.
She never listens to me, so i didnt want to listen to her.
she was like, touching my shoulder, and walking like she was attached to my hip, getting in my way so that i couldnt walk.
I just wanted to make a cup of tea. AAAHHHH!

Then when i went to have a shower, another lady was in their cleaning my bathroom.
I have always cleaned my own bathroom.
When i got here, the lady at the office gave me cleaning products and a sponge for my own bathroom
It annoyed me as she never cleaned it before, (maybe she's changed to being on bathroom duty now since new girl got here..)
but i needed the loo and a shower, and i couldn't go in.
I opened the door and she was in there cleaning and what did i say?-
*sorry!*
She never said, oh sorry, or explained anything.
She didnt give my door a knock either to let me know she had finished.
Today, i just feel like my personal space is being invaded.
Like i don't have a right to exist on this planet, because everyone wants to invade and squash me.

Im at the coffee shop now, and i just need to be by myself- not with any of them.
I hope I'm not reported for having a drink and that i would need to go to another refuge.
I was the most sensible adult person their last night.
there is always a part of me who is still in controll when I'm drunk.

I don't want anything to do with either of them. I never did.
Now i don't care what they think of me. i mean, i don't think i have anything to worry about gong by the way they acted last night. (not to sound big headed)
Ill keep to my room i think.

Thanks for listening.

Wow, that place really is a snake pit! Hope you get out soon and lay off the sauce. It definitely made things worse last night. You need all your wits about you to survive in that place.

haha yes. I didn't want to drink with them. and yes, alchol makes everything worse. It woudkl have been ok if I had drank with different people- people who didn't act like that.
I would rather be aware and sober than not.

Man.
Not sure i will be able to complete these forms in time, and not sure if i can ask for another extnetion.
Dreading my assessment - not got one yet.
I'm having one of those evenings, where I'm working on the form, but feeling hopeless, and that ill just end living at dads, another things i will have to survive that will be added to these set of *challanges* , that my life has become about.
Im tired of being challenged.

The assessment, because others are are on this benefit cos they have blagged the system and don't need the benefits, they are asking others who are really entitled to the benefits, to do assessments.
So because they are reluctant to give away money to others, and because people are getting it who shouldnt be who fake disability...
we have to prove we are eligible for this benefit.
I have been told to exaggerate my condition (VI), and i cant and that when I'm asked questions, to say i cant do hardly anything.
Its everting my mother taught me not to do..she made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed about my condition that i hide it from others, so others think i can see more than i can too.
its automatic for me and i cant do the assessment.
i know i would forget / disassociate and freak out. i know i woulnt be able to answer the questions and even if i could take my time to think and answer the questions about the things i find difficult due to the lack of vision i have, i know i would space out and not be able to answer, as i have this like, gag reflex in which my throat constricts and i cant speak.
I am forbidden to be honest and tell the truth, let alone exaggerate.
I wold be like this worried even if i could just simply be honest and tel the truth as i was never allowed to and I'm scared.
Im scared to be honest. Im scared to be dis believed.
I'm scared about the forms, and I'm scared about the assessment. this needs to work so that i can get my own place to live.
i cant go back to dads and i know i would be terrified. of everting there.
of being alone in the house. of mum. of dad.
trigger *.
and I'm worried ill be so triggered by this assessment, and that i will feel humiliated and ashamed.
i fear that i will just break down after the assessment has finished, or during it.
god.

If honesty is your core value, do not fake competence and get a magnifying glass. You need it.

Really hammering my form, after such a great day, as i have get it done.
I literally have tears just pouring down my face, researching so that i don't miss anything, and writing about the difficulties i have in getting about.
I have no choice but to write this form but its just so triggering.

Im remembering things my mother said to me, how i was in trouble for falling down some steps one time, and it was not my fault but due to my vision loss.
i felt that i was stupid and clumsy my entire life.
I cant do anything to alert others that i don't see well, and to make my life easier.
Everything my X said was true. I can't make my life easier for my fear.
I don't know why it makes me cry so much. I ve never looked at this. Ive never grieved it.
To help myself would feel like giving up, and my entrie life and self worth has been built upon me looking totally indipendant and capable, and as through i never struggle with anything.
My mother made me this way from a very early age and i had no idea that the struggles i have are due to my lack of vision.
It was never accepted but instead shamed, and i had know one to help me understand this thing i have that makes me function a little differently.

Earlier today, i fell down a hole at the Allotment, and brushed it off embarrassed as always making it clear that i was *alright*- no show here kind of thing.
This guy who i really really like...asked if i was ok, and i noticed he was looking out for me a lot day.
My mother never did this and i just find him so caring. I wish he could care about himself more though.

I fall a lot too. Do you have glasses? You should have a white cane. You may qualify for a seeing eye dog. Being vision impaired is nothing to be ashamed of. This is just one more example of the neglect your parents committed against you. People living with vision impairments have rights! Address this issue with your case worker. In case you ever wondered, I use a larger size font because I'm visually impaired and need a magnifying lens to read most things especially on my phone.   

Omg! Another person who is VI. I cant believe it Danaus! I never thought i would find anybody else in the Cptsd world such as on this forum, and sure, they must exist.
I felt like the only person- and felt that those who understand abuse we went through, wouldnt understand this VI thing and i felt i that that would seperate me a bit as other would not understand how a narcissist reacts to a child with a *disability*.
I put it in quotes as I'm still embarrassed to name it that.

Glasses don't work for me. Im registered blind and ditched the specs because they didnt improve my vision.
Thanks a lot Danaus for understanding and for telling me that its nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't have a cane- and was never encouraged to use one even though my parents noticed i struggled in unfamiliar places. Had some collisions with cars lately and writing about it on my form- just X said all this stuff about how i could make my life easier and he was right, and now that he is not here for me to bluff denial too, I'm starting to see his point, i mean, really see it, now that I'm paying more attention to how i feel and its sad because even though he helped in the wrong way...he has gone, and I'm left alone with his truth in my head.
Don't know if I'm making any sense.

I use large print and the magnification on my phone too. Thanks Danaus for sharing that.  :hug:

Just want to get this down as part of this *journey*, although , this journey doesnt feel like it fits...as i think i have compartmentalised everything and tonight, I'm back in the past...anyway..

Tonight, i got a Facebook message from the mother of the little boy in the refuge.
She hasnt been here and has been on a long trip away.
I kept wondering if she would be back.
She told me she had to leave. that she had bene here to long so the council said she needs to leave. She is in a hotel, and she thinks they will find her housing.
I always thought i would leave before they do, and i had visions of what i would say to the little boy...that saying not much would be best...but i would hug him and wish him the best.
They have gone. Im glad. I am finding it hard to feel elated about anything lately.
But yes, they have gone.
I don't want to see them again. I know they will be part of my *bad memories*. But i will never forget this little boy and how this situation taught me so much about part of what happened to me as a child.

Ok. i feel weird writing here, as I'm realising lately just how much i hurt my partner. that we were both to blame.
Had meeting with woman at refuge.
She said my time is nearly up- though i have up to eight months here. We are not near eight months. Its August and i only came in may.
She said i need to apply for housing on home finder, but i cant unless I'm registered as living here, and
i can't if i don't have any money to pay for a flat.
Had assessment in my home town to sort out money but they cancelled it.
They re arranged it for next wed.
rnib advised me to not tell them I'm in cov in a refuge at the moment. So i was just gonna go next wed to the appointment.
Lady said PIP (what the assessment is for), will find out if i register as living in cov.
Thats ok though. But what if they question my money? and circumstances?
apparently they wont, but the woman thinks they will.
god. I'm being told so many different things.
don't know if i wrote about the refuge on the form. if so they might know I'm in cov. they sent my letter about the appointment to cov.
i hope this wont effect my money.
the fact that i never told them id moved in with my partner ilelgally- even though Rnib advised me not to tell them that, as they would take money of me and my parenrer and we would loose the house.
and the landlord was happy with me living there, even though i couldnt pay the rent.
I tried interviews for jobs. not making excuses, but i couldn't do them and said to myself - never again . too triggering and stressful with Cptsd stuff going on.
so i don't have a job.
this money I'm entitled to and its for life. I'm on a low rate when i shouldnt be.
so yes.

lady said on sunday we will meet again and she will seek advice to tell me what to do.
if its different than what Rnib said, and if i have said I'm in a refuge on the form, i don't know what to do.

I CANT go back to live in my home town. i would have to leave T (and it may work out with her), and leave those who i know, what i do daily, and start all over again.
it feels awful being back there, when i went back for the assessment.
I would be so alone, and i cant live with my dad.
i cant. for many reasons.

just wanted to vent that.

Just for my own personal record.
Finished notes for assessment just now. yay!
Assessment this wed.
Last time before the assessment two weeks ago-
i didnt finish the notes. wasnt in a good phrame of mind at all.
I wonder if the assessment was cancelled, to give me chance to prepare, like some higher power is making things right for me.
I knew i had to take this chance and make the notes, so that i could hopefully have a chance at talking about stuff.
maybe i had been given a second go of it.

And, after the assessment whilst waiting for the results, i can register as living here and get myself on home finder.
Feels like things are moving, as i got a letter about how to set up an account on home finder from key worker, who is great- better than the other one.
Maybe i wasnt crazy to not like the other one very much as the contrast is outstanding.

Glad to hear progress is being made. Keep up the good work! I'm happy for you. I hope all works out for your betterment.

Aw, thank you Danaus! Thats really nice!
Hope your ok.  :hug:

For the past several weeks I've been titrating myself off the SSRI I've been prescribed. I'm journaling about it under SSRI Withdrawal.

I will check out your thread  Danous and see how it's going for yiou. You are very brave.
I also came off mine and didn't find it please t at all. Here supporting you  :hug: