Out of the Storm

I've joined support groups for children of autistic parents. Haven't joined a support group for children of alcoholics yet, but I'm seriously considering it. In the meantime, I've decided that writing a recovery journal might be a good thing to do. The positive word "recovery" in "recovery journal" might help me keep an eye on the road I *want* to be traveling so that I may slowly make my way towards it. I once did a car skid training thing, where the one thing they kept repeating was "Once the car starts to skid, don't look at where you don't want to go. Look at where you want to go. Your hands will steer towards where you are looking".

Where do I want to go?

I want to feel more calm and in peace with my life. In my private life, I have a great husband (talked about him in the first thread I opened) and things are well. However, work is a major pain in the *. I causes me loads and shitloads of anxiety. Which isn't a lot of fun for my hubby of course, in the long run this puts a strain on our relationship. I keep falling back into anxiety and I want to find a way to manage that.

So, for this journal, that's going to be my main topic for now: How to manage my anxiety with respect to my job.

What I'm doing currently: I take three walks a day during work, one at 10 AM, one around noon and one around 3PM. I have marked it in my calendar and my computer at work pops up a reminder at those times.

Congrats on starting your recovery journal, indeed.  :thumbup:

Quote from: annakoen on June 01, 2016, 01:29:27 PM
"Once the car starts to skid, don't look at where you don't want to go. Look at where you want to go. Your hands will steer towards where you are looking".

I like that!

On a side note: I've been looking for support groups for children of autistic parents, but so far I couldn't find any. (It's a small country I'm living in, and somehow support groups in general are not a popular thing.) So if you want and can share on how things go there, I'd love to know. In a separate thread preferably, but if you want, feel free to share here.

My recovery journal has helped me a lot, I wish it will be helpful to you as well.

Quote from: Dutch Uncle on June 01, 2016, 01:36:24 PM
Congrats on starting your recovery journal, indeed.  :thumbup:

Quote from: annakoen on June 01, 2016, 01:29:27 PM
"Once the car starts to skid, don't look at where you don't want to go. Look at where you want to go. Your hands will steer towards where you are looking".

I like that!

On a side note: I've been looking for support groups for children of autistic parents, but so far I couldn't find any. (It's a small country I'm living in, and somehow support groups in general are not a popular thing.) So if you want and can share on how things go there, I'd love to know. In a separate thread preferably, but if you want, feel free to share here.

My recovery journal has helped me a lot, I wish it will be helpful to you as well.

PM'ed you on the topic of support groups.

The support groups I go to are organized by female volunteers, who are also daughter of an autistic parent (or both parents even) themselves. They found, in the years that they've been organizing this, that many children of an autistic parent struggle with being themselves. Children of autistic parents often learned to always do what the other needs or wants, to satisfy the other's needs. Their own needs were often not seen at all by the autistic parent and often also not by the non-autistic parent. (It could be that if someone had a non-autistic parent that was able to compensate for the deficits of the autistic parent, they would not need such a support group.) Support groups with professional psychologists were found not to be so helpful. Presence of autistic participants would drive non-autistic participants away as well, they would not return to participate again. (Again, due to this pathological response to always adapt to the other, when an autistic participant was present, the non-autistic participants would immediately be triggered. I think of all places online, here people will understand the best what this means.) Therefore, these groups are for non-autistic participants only.

It's a homely setting (often quite literally) and often it takes on a kind of Q and A style. Someone will say "I have found that.... Do you recognize this?" and more often than not others will have a similar story to tell. It's very reassuring. There's always tea and cookies :)

Thanks a lot. I did search for groups like this, even found some, but never got a reply on my e-mails I did send them.

Thanks for this opening. I think a good part of my recovery will be to share my experiences with my fellow peers.

In a strange coincidence (well, probably not... but subconsciously I guess) my DramaMama worked as a nurse in a psychiatric hospital where people with autism stayed. (we're talking the mid 20^th century now.)

Ok, enough with the thread-jack as far as I'm concerned. I'll leave it yours. (I tend to not reply much in these private journals.)

Thanks a bunch, again.
:hug:

Trigger trigger trigger ow ow ow

Today, a colleague made a joke I didn't get during a meeting. When he sent me a PM with link to a YouTube video that took forever, I asked for the short version. He replied that that was the point of the joke.  In other words, what I had to say took too long for him.

This hurts soo much. Not being seen and heard is a huge issue for me, and jokes like this are a slap in the face for me. It hurts, badly.

I'm now standing outside the office, I walked out for a breath of air.

Ow ow ow pain pain pain. I'm not going back in for another few minutes...

 :pissed:


:hug:

OK, quick breather helped.
We (colleagues) always go for a walk after lunch but now my ears are ringing (I have tinnitus) which, when it's really bad means my brain is overloaded. So I snuck into the toilet on our way out and said "catch you later!". Now, I can go for a walk all by myself :)

Learning to take good care of myself is something my therapist urged me to do. I'm easily overwhelmed at work and going for solitary walks is a must. I need to allow my anxiety to settle down.

Thanks D/U

Need to learn a more positive inner dialogue, so here's some practice: yesterday I met a stranger at a small gathering who was very open and it was comfortable to talk with him about various topics, such as the education system, society, culture. He told me about his former jobs, that he's retired and talked about his children and grandchildren. At some point he showed genuine interest and asked what kind of "nest" I grew up in. I said I didn't really want to talk about it and he looked compassionate and said "they didn't see you?" somehow I felt comfortable enough to talk about some of it and summarised it: alcoholic dad, autistic mom. He listened, asked questions and told me I was great at explaining autism. He said he thought I'd be good at explaining to parents of an autistic child what autism means. Then, he told me his brother has autism. We talked about disorders, parenting and whatnot. In the end we both thanked each other for the conversation, he hoped we'd run into each other again perhaps. This felt genuine and I was happy I stayed at the gathering that evening instead of going home early as I had intended.

Takeaways: I'm not broken, I am able and in fact good at communicating and connecting! 

Fear fear fear fear.

It's Saturday morning and I'm anxious. The trigger was something my husband said yesterday evening. The whole story goes back to Thursday afternoon.

I work in a large team, lead by two team leads. This team is sometimes split up into smaller groups, sometimes not. This has been going back and forth for a while. For my taste, the team is far too large. I indicated this a week ago to team lead #1. Thursday afternoon, team lead #1 hesitantly walked over to the desk of myself and a few other colleagues and started with "So... erm... I just talked on the phone to team lead #2, and.. he's not coming back from holiday for a while. He's got a burn out." We all responded warmly of course, asking after #2's well being, asking if a get well card would be sent around. At some point, I told #1 that if he needed any kind of help, please let us know.

Now, I've talked with the boss a while back and indicated that in the long run I have leadership ambitions. So, this seemed like a good opportunity to offer help and hope that this would yield opportunities for growth. #1 looked thoughtful for a while and then echoed what I had said a week back "The team is quite large." and then followed by speaking a thought out loud, that maybe he'd split up the team. I repeated that if he needed any help, he need just ask.

Forward to Friday morning. I have an e-mail in my inbox, sent to myself and someone else on my team, with a request for a meeting. Team lead #1 explained that he wants to split up the team, at least temporary, and that he was thinking of making myself and other colleague temporary sub-team-leads. Myself and said colleague had both offered to help, so he would like to take us up on the offer, if we feel this is a good direction. I love the idea, it's exactly what I had in mind had I been in the position to decide, the team is really large and I felt a split-up would be good. Also, that my offer for help was noticed and that I now get the opportunity to stand in for a while is a good career opportunity.

Towards the end of the meeting, team lead #1 asked us if we had any concerns. In fact, I have two. Stemming from my C-PTSD of course, but I've never mentioned that to anyone. (When I told my T I think people don't really see that I'm struggling with trauma, she agreed that probably most people won't notice.) So I mentioned both concerns. Firstly, I said that I really need support with this. It's not a matter of just throwing me at it. #1 agreed and said that initially, he will be there for every meeting and every task and that I can decide for myself when I can do it on my own. If that moment doesn't come at all, it's no problem.

The second concern... I stammered and hestated and sought for the words, because it's a difficult topic: One of my colleagues is a Narc. Nobody notices but All My Alarm Bells are ringing. It's awful, those types of people: I either get sucked in as a source of Narc. supply, or I end up in a power struggle with them. Neither, I want. So I stammered and hestated that "for personal reasons, I have trouble with a certain personality type" and that "there is one person in the team with that type of personality" and "It's a private matter really, it's nothing to do with the team, but I have some trouble handling this personality type". I may have stammered too much, but #1 was really calm and understanding and said "Well, you can't avoid some types of people, but if you're not ready for that yet, we'll have to see how to arrange that". Colleague next to me said "But at some point you're gonna have to tell who it is" and I replied "Of course, I don't want to pick anyone out, it's a difficult topic because I don't want to make it appear as if I don't like that person, it's just that I might clash with them at some point in time and wish to avoid it for now". Team lead #1 suggested we split up the team first, and then I get first pick.

I stood up for my needs!!!!!!!

My husband said, in the evening when I recounted the story "That's an awful lot of dodging the topic you did there".

And that remark hurt.

I stood up for myself, for my needs, I already have difficulty with being happy and pleased that I have an opportunity for career growth, and now all I can think about is "What if, because I stumbled and hestitated, they're going to think I'm weak, or worse, what if they find out I am broken and a flawed human being?!?"

It hurts..

Right now, I have trouble with it, but I know the right thing to do is:

* Reward myself for standing up for myself. I did that very well. A while back I told myself I would stand up for myself, no matter how much I'd stumble while doing so.

* Try to enjoy and be happy about this career opportunity. Acknowledge that if #1'd think I'm not suited for the role, he wouldn't ask me.

There's no reason to believe they're unhappy with my work, I've received positive remarks. And yet.. And yet. I'm thinking "I'm not getting anything done, I'm not getting anything done."

Stop. I'm doing enough. I *am* enough

Fear fear... Geez that's the only mode my brain has...
I've noticed that keeping this journal is somehow purging. It helps get the anxiety down.

So, here goes:

Mostly, I'm afraid of this N colleague. Everyone thinks he's funny, positive, witty... But I see the manipulations for what they are: Attempts at getting N supply. Every sentence he utters is about himself, one way or another. It has made me worry if I'm N myself, because somehow I understand the need for validation. What's the difference, really? Apparently, an N is so damaged from his/her childhood that they will do anything to get any kind of validation. Where's the line?

I have succesfully kept N out of my subteam. I have been allowed to choose from three subteams the one I liked. I asked #1 and other colleague if they had any preferences for their subteam and they indicated no. I then stated that looking at the names in subteam X made me really cheerful and they had no problem whatsoever to allow me to be temporary stand-in for this subteam. (It's a group of wonderful people I think have great skills and personalities, all very different but will be great contributors in their own way.)

Why am I so focused on N? I think it has to do with my father.

Last night I had a dream, where my father wanted to hug me. A real, genuine, warm hug. And I refused. He got angry and said he finally understood and he wanted to make it right. And I yelled at him stating that after a childhood of neglect, you don't get to decide when it's all well again. I shouted, screamed. And then... I felt I really wanted the hug. I needed it. And then I APOLOGIZED FOR NOT ALLOWING HIM TO HUG ME!! What the *!? At the end of the dream, I got the hug. And it felt... good and bad at the same time.

I will always apologize first. I will give the other what *they* need. It's the only way I know how to get what *I* need, but it makes me feel like I'm violating myself.

I know this about myself, and that's why I'm afraid of N. Because it feels either I will fall into the trap and be a source of N supply, or I will refuse vehemently, which is *also* a source of N supply and will pull me into a power struggle.

So... what do I DO?!?!?!




Nothing.
Breathe annakoen. Breathe.

just wanted to send you a hug and say you don't sound like a narcissist to me.  narcs don't think they are narcs, they don't even worry about it. they're too focussed on being the centre of every universe.

and you did really good at work. and ok, it was hard and you stammered. so who wouldn't, when they are doing something they are scared of and doing it anyway? you were amazing. and it paid off.

big respect to you for all of that. fear is the mind killer but you fought through it  and you show true courage. i'm sure that  your mind will catch up later, when the emotional flashbacks this has triggered have eased a bit.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Arpy, thank you so much for your kind words. :hug:

Why oh why can I not resist being the one who responds to appeals?

Today, during a meeting, there was a short quiz  "what would you do if...?" and the presenter, my boss' boss, had options to choose from. He asks, "who would choose A?". Nobody raises their hand. "Who chooses B"? Again, nobody. This goes on until G is reached: 'other'. My hand shoots up, with only a few others.

Boss asks who would elaborate on that and again I almost jump out of my chair to answer.

Why? Why do I feel I have to 'Help' / 'Compensate for everyone else' / 'be a good girl'?

After I answer, two other people respond. They stay seated, however. Boss replies with that we all had good points but didn't cover everything.

I'm embarrassed afterwards. What will everyone else think of me?

Inner Critic goes: who do you think you are? You're too eager, too arrogant. You should have stayed seated, should have kept your mouth shut! You stand out like a sore thumb. See, you're different again, you don't fit in!

Inner Critic, SHUT UP!

 ;D i am exactly the same !!!!  and i feel the same afterwards too!  at least now i know i'm not the only one  :doh:

Quote from: arpy1 on June 09, 2016, 12:05:34 PM
;D i am exactly the same !!!!  and i feel the same afterwards too!  at least now i know i'm not the only one  :doh:

And your response, in turn, makes me feel relieved that I'm not the only one either. Thanks :hug:

Ugh headache
But! I'm doing well today :)

I'm now taking a short walk, got myself out of the office and in to the fresh air as I promised myself. Work isn't so bad today. I'm very productive by the company's standards, and not that unproductive by my own ;)

 :thumbup:

Creating new connections in my brain.

Today, I visited a friend who told me that she is suffering from depression again. This is the second time she has a depression. I felt bad for her and gave her a hug she needed very much. We talked briefly about it and about her feelings of self-doubt and that her husband isn't supporting her in the way that she needs. He was at home, so when he came back downstairs from putting their baby girl to bed, we talked about the usual things. Kids, work, hobbies. Felt sorry that my friend and I couldn't spend a little more time talking with just the two of us. I might visit her on Wednesday, when she has a day off. I can leave early from work and visit her.

Now that I'm back home, with a cup of tea I've just made and two cats comfortably purring in my lap I realize how happy I am at home, with my husband and cats and a place to call my own.

Well bleep... I'm pretty damn content right now :)

Ugh ugh ugh work is frustrating today. Everything's so unclear, so unproductive... It's driving me crazy

Breathe

Don't feed the narcissist

 :thumbup:

Someone emails something. Someone else misunderstands and asks for explanation. I understood correctly and want to reply that I agree so I explain and state my opinion. Now first person is upset that I spoke on behalf of her...

I know she has her own process but it upsets me in turn. I am so done with having to slow down for others to catch up...

I don't know exactly how I did it, but I just managed to fight off my Inner Critic.

I responded to aforementioned person that I understand her feelings. I typed I didn't think I'd always be able to wait for her to clarify herself, I'm impulsive and quick and will reply to a message. It felt natural to me to just clarify something (it was a really small thing). "But," I ended with "I understand and I will do my best to keep it in mind from now on."

Her response: "Yes, that would be a good exercise in self control..."

And I was fuming for a while there. I wanted to type back a lot of things, including "ouch, that hurt" followed by a lot of snarky, hurtful things at her address.

I got into instant rumination mode. I did it wrong again! She's upset and I have to fix it, but I don't want to beyond what I have already done. I have told her I understood and that I would do my best to keep it in mind. My Inner Critic is pushing me to devalue myself, to apologize twenty times because the other person got upset, to crawl on the floor because I was impulsive again. I won't. I didn't apologize. There was nothing to apologize for and that's the end of it.

I am done apologizing for who I am, and most of all I'm done apologizing for things that are so very unimportant, like someone getting upset that someone else clarifies a message.

I'm impulsive. If your fragile soul can't handle that, then we're not a match and we'd best not interact too much.

 :cheer:  :cheer:  :cheer:

Good for you! You rock :righton:

Thanks!! :D

yep, i agree. it's one thing apologising for upsetting someone, quite another taking responsibility for fixing their feelings. the first is good, the second has to be their job.  you did good!

Quote from: arpy1 on June 19, 2016, 08:39:57 AM
It's one thing apologising for upsetting someone, quite another taking responsibility for fixing their feelings. the first is good, the second has to be their job.

Oh, I like this definition and approach.  :yes:   :thumbup:  Not quite the thing I'm used to do... (The "not taking responsibility of their feelings", that is.  ;) The other I can do just fine.)
Thanks.

And I agree with arpy1, you did well annakoen.  :applause:

Thank you so much for reaching out to me, three roses, arpy and dutch uncle.

Yes, it makes sense. Knowing that you're not responsible for others' feelings is hard if you've grown up having been made to take care of your parents' feelings... Thanks for spelling that out, it helps, I can learn how to navigate this :)

 :thumbup: :thumbup: :hug:

Last Sunday, on father's day, and the day after that, I continuously suffered from flashbacks. All I kept thinking of was the day my dad told me my mom used to have epilepsy and that one night he woke up to her having spasms and nearly choking. He made the gurgling sound as he told me. He said he responded immediately and pushed her head to the side so she wouldn't choke. "I wish I hadn't done that",  he concluded the story. "She'd be dead now"

I had that flashback over and over.

Today, my T mentioned PTSD. I had brought it up during our previous session. She told me that she recognises the symptoms in her patients oftentimes and some will reach a point where they are in psychiatric trajectories. When PTSD was officially diagnosed, she said, she nearly always agreed. She didn't explicitly make any statements about myself. I haven't been in therapy with her for very long yet.

But I think I fit some symptoms. For example, my memory is horrible. Except for stressful events, they get burned into my brain. I cannot remember holidays, or what I did last week. Some research papers cite this as a common symptom in PTSD.

I'm not aiming for a diagnosis, but writing this down for future reference. I hope I'll never need it, but should I ever want evaluation for PTSD, I'll bring it up.

Your father should have never told you that. It is inappropriate at best and abusive at worst to involve children in the problems & feelings of adults - it taxes the child's resources and capabilities beyond what they can manage.

I can relate; my father used me as his confidante and confessor. Too much for a child to bear!

Quote from: Three Roses on June 22, 2016, 06:51:35 PM
Your father should have never told you that. It is inappropriate at best and abusive at worst to involve children in the problems & feelings of adults - it taxes the child's resources and capabilities beyond what they can manage.

I can relate; my father used me as his confidante and confessor. Too much for a child to bear!

Yes, that is exactly what happened. He would put his worries and anguish on my shoulders, from a very young age, 6 or so.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure who did the most damage here, my autistic mother who couldn't be there for me when I was a baby and thereby starved me from satisfying interactions (Google "still face experiment"), or my emotionally abusive father who exploited my attempts at having a meaningful connection with someone by making me his surrogate mother and wife... Dare I say it? I hate them. For not having been there for me, for damaging me so deeply that on stressful days I cannot even manage to connect with people for 10 minutes. They robbed me of my confidence, my faith in myself and others. I am fearful, anxious and on some days the idea flashes through my head that if I killed myself this pain would stop.

I did not visit them, for neither father's day nor mother's day. I sent them flowers. The flashbacks I had on Sunday and Monday was, I think, the old "I have to save daddy"-mechanism that he caused in me, revolting against the idea of not visiting. But I'm done. I'm so done. My life is mine, that much I have at least and I will put my needs first.

Quote from: Three Roses on June 22, 2016, 06:51:35 PM
Your father should have never told you that. It is inappropriate at best and abusive at worst to involve children in the problems & feelings of adults - it taxes the child's resources and capabilities beyond what they can manage.

I can relate; my father used me as his confidante and confessor. Too much for a child to bear!

Oh, I'm ruminating. Thanks for confirming that this is inappropriate of my father. And a big hug to you :hug: Sorry you have gone through the same

Hating my parents... Is that the Inner Critic too?

Constant stress levels since Thursday. Received a laptop at work that was damaged. Triggered me. Friday was OK, but Friday evening I triggered myself by responding to an email too quickly. Berated myself all evening for being so impulsive. Read today that's a common theme in adult children of alcoholics (impulsivity).

I can feel cortisol is still high. Feel like there's an electrical wire running from my head down my spine. Moderate anxiety

 :hug:

This too shall pass.

"Hating my parents...."  That sounds more like the outer critic.

"The outer critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self." (From pete-walker.com, SHRINKING THE OUTER CRITIC IN COMPLEX PTSD)

Hang in there, we care about you.  I'm so sorry you're having a rough time, it really is difficult. We are wounded people whose wounds are invisible to others but are nonetheless real, physical, and measurable. Our brains have been changed by the trauma we endured! It does not matter that we do not receive the recognition from others as we coast thru life in our emotional wheelchairs; we are still wounded.

You were right to not contact your parents on mother's and father's days, you were being true to yourself. Tell your inner critic to stfu. Your anger is justifiable.

sending you support, annakoen, and just to say it's ok to feel bad and hateful to your parents. it took me decades to truly see that feeling something is not the same as acting out on it.  that the hatred, fury, whatever is just a feeling.
and from the sounds of it, a healthy one, becos what happened to you was wrong.  i have such a hard time believing this in my deepest insides, but i am still convinced it's true.  just takes a bit of time i guess, to filter past the inner critic's defences.

i like reading your journal for the honesty and the courage i find here.

:hug:

Thanks for your kind words three roses and arpy

I'm on my way to work but have to stop over to write this down. I hope it helps.

My mind and body are screaming at me that I'm in deadly peril, that, at work, things will happen that I can't control. True, of course, that's life, but I'm screaming inside. I don't want to be at the mercy of other human beings. I need to be in control!!!

:fallingbricks:

Ok, that helped. It was a good day, actually.

My Inner Critic keeps whining that I'm not actually doing anything at work or producing anything. I spend so much time looking for people and talking, transferring information from one head to the other. It doesn't feel right, I'm being useless.. It's weird, because on one hand it is the Inner Critic, but he's getting support from my creative side, that's not very happy with a job that doesn't involve creating something...

Called my dad to congratulate him on his birthday. He was at work (he's retired....) and we talked a bit about that. He hesitated and said "I don't want to bother you with this but I just wanted to let you know I have minor surgery soon". I responded "ok"  and he told me why. Then the conversation smoothly went on to the dinner he and my mom are buying me and my husband soon, to celebrate both their birthdays.

At the end of the conversation my dad thanked me for calling and wished me a nice day. I did the same. Before he hung up he said "Bye sweetie"

I'm hiding in the bathroom at work bawling my eyes out

aw hun  :'( sending you a  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

I think I mainly cried because this acknowledgement by my dad, that I'm a sweetie, that I'm a kind person, makes me realize that I've never felt loved as a child. It's like shining a flashlight at a black canvas; it makes it painfully clear what I've missed. As a result, I'm overwhelmed, it's too much, so much that I am barely capable of truly receiving it.

I think I'm having an Emotional Flashback right now. My dad's surgery is next Tuesday and I'm feeling the parentified part of myself, the child that was always used as comfort and consolation to my father, flaring up. I'm being ripped apart on the inside, because my sad, lonely, distraught daddy is having surgery and WHY AM I NOT TAKING A DAY OFF TO SUPPORT HIM!!?

How do 'normal' people do this? When their parent has minor surgery (local anaesthetic), what do they do? What is normal?

An added complication is that my mother is of no use. She cannot really support anyone emotionally and she's a huge danger in traffic. I can just see my dad driving himself to surgery and driving himself home....

URGH, EF EF EF EF
pain pain pain pain

i really understand the guilt! i felt that way about my disabled ex when i left the marriage.  and he was a one for playing on my guilt and went to town on it when i left him.

i had (still have) to remind myself he's actually a grown up and quite capable of looking after himself. he recently had a couple of operations, one quite major. and i was only slightly tempted to offer to visit, help, make everything alright for him the way i always used to. and i resisted. three or four years back i would have been in a state about it. so i guess i have gotten better at it.

if your dad, sorry to sound harsh here, needs to have help to get to the hospital, or home, he might be able to call a taxi or arrange hospital transport if such a thing is available where he is.  like my ex, he is a grown up too. and imo, you are not responsible for him in any way no matter how much you might think you should be.

i wonder personally whether his sweetie remark was a manipulation. again, sorry to sound harsh, but i know that kind of manipulation too, where my ex would say nice things to me if he wanted something out of me.  when i had complied he ceased to see me really. until the next time he felt needy.  your dad's 'kindness' certainly seems to have triggered you into a great big EF. maybe that's what's going on, i don't know. all our situations are different.

anyway, annakoen, much support to you. may you regain your  balance soon  :yes: :hug:

Quote from: arpy1 on July 03, 2016, 11:27:25 AM
i really understand the guilt! i felt that way about my disabled ex when i left the marriage.  and he was a one for playing on my guilt and went to town on it when i left him.

i had (still have) to remind myself he's actually a grown up and quite capable of looking after himself. he recently had a couple of operations, one quite major. and i was only slightly tempted to offer to visit, help, make everything alright for him the way i always used to. and i resisted. three or four years back i would have been in a state about it. so i guess i have gotten better at it.

Thanks for your understanding, arpy. Sorry to hear you have been mentally trapped in a similar way.

Quote from: arpy1 on July 03, 2016, 11:27:25 AM
if your dad, sorry to sound harsh here, needs to have help to get to the hospital, or home, he might be able to call a taxi or arrange hospital transport if such a thing is available where he is.  like my ex, he is a grown up too. and imo, you are not responsible for him in any way no matter how much you might think you should be.

I know this. He is an adult, a grown-up himself and should be able to take care of himself.

Quote from: arpy1 on July 03, 2016, 11:27:25 AM
i wonder personally whether his sweetie remark was a manipulation. again, sorry to sound harsh, but i know that kind of manipulation too, where my ex would say nice things to me if he wanted something out of me.  when i had complied he ceased to see me really. until the next time he felt needy.  your dad's 'kindness' certainly seems to have triggered you into a great big EF. maybe that's what's going on, i don't know. all our situations are different.

anyway, annakoen, much support to you. may you regain your  balance soon  :yes: :hug:

Thanks. No need to apologize for your musings. I'm actually glad you wrote it down, now I can spend some time and thoughts on this.
I do not believe he called me sweety to manipulate me into taking care of him. (At least not consciously... ) He is very sorry about having leaned on me so much in my childhood. Once, he waved me out when I walked to the car after visiting them and he said "This was never our intention. We [he and my mother] didn't know, we didn't realize that this was happening in our family. And now it's a generational problem". He teared up when he said it.

The tough part is that he doesn't really 'own' this: The fact that he feels bad about it, makes him the sad, kicked puppy again. The dynamic in our family will never be such that they are the more experienced adults and I can go to them for support. Again, this unconsciously happens; they are not strong, stable adult figures. My dad has C-PTSD himself and is badly traumatized from his own childhood and marriage.

My dad has a huge hole in his soul as well from emotional neglect. When I was young, he unconsciously turned to me for solace and comfort. As a result, I'm also running on empty as an adult now. In turn, my dad feels immensely guilty about this and is, basically, afraid to do anything wrong in our relationship again. Therefore, he will not ask for help, even though I can feel his subconscious scream for help...

This does not mean that it has ever been okay that he leaned on me when I was a child and it does not mean that this is a reason to fall into the 'please take care of me' again. I am well aware of this trap and steer well clear of it. But the flipside is that I am, nowadays, forced to take the cold-hearted approach and keep a calculated distance to them.

I cannot refill his emotional tank, it would deplete mine.. This stalemate might never end and that's tough..

it really is tough. and i understand what you say about it being unconscious. and about the end result being you with an empty tank.  am thinking of you so much.  be nice to yourself today. you deserve it.  :hug:

Thanks arpy :hug:

I'm starting to recognise that I have EFs on a daily basis.. It's shocking to realise that this is not an exaggeration, daily is probably an understatement because that suggests short EFs every day. Rather, I have EFs that last for days...

Let's see if this realisation helps me.
Right now, I'm in an EF triggered by a snarky email that someone sent to someone else and then forwarded to me. Second person got quite a verbal beating by the first person and I'm feeling that anxious childhood feeling I always had when my dad got verbally abused by my mother. I feel anxious, powerless yet somehow responsible, disgusted and afraid.

This journal is really useful... :)

What is normal? Do kids from normal families show up when their dad has minor surgery?

Hubby: "I think they do, but they don't crash from exhaustion after a day with their parents"

Pain pain pain

My mom texted me she'd call the hospital to ask about my dad. I couldn't wait for that and called them myself. The lady on the phone was very.. What do you call it? Curt? Brief? Unfriendly. She didn't let me finish my question and interrupted me: your mother just called and she is first contact person and we cannot just have everyone calling here! My dad had gone to surgery later, he's still in surgery

I interrupted her and said this hurt me. I told her my mother has autism and doesn't communicate well and I do not know what is going on. I cried, I just want to know what is going on. She offered to put me in as second contact person.

Within five minutes my mom texts me an update that my dad is still in surgery.

So, now not only have I accused my mother of having autism in front of a nurse that will be seeing her, I also lied because my mother does communicate.

I called back, apologised for my emotions, said my mother had updated me after all and I don't have to be second contact person after all.

Realisation: my dad programmed me so view my mother as a bad wife for him. I fell for the trap of having to compensate for her, even though she does do the things she says she'll do

Now, I am afraid the nurse will bring up autism and that this will anger my parents and turn them against me...

Big hugs to you! You're navigating some unfamiliar, treacherous waters here. Give yourself grace, and permission to do what your heart tells you to do.

Remember, it doesn't have to look like what your parents want, or anyone except you. You're in charge, what is it that you need in the midst of this?

 sending you a hug  :hug: and :yeahthat: to what Three Roses said, annakoen. this is treacherous waters indeed and you are doing your best with a difficult situation, and that is good enough.  times like this, it's like you're having to navigate the past along with the present in these relationships which makes feel impossible to cope with. but... you are coping. you are doing good. so take heart and follow your heart. lots of support to you.  :thumbup:

Quote from: Three Roses on July 05, 2016, 03:57:35 PM
Big hugs to you! You're navigating some unfamiliar, treacherous waters here. Give yourself grace, and permission to do what your heart tells you to do.

Remember, it doesn't have to look like what your parents want, or anyone except you. You're in charge, what is it that you need in the midst of this?

Thanks. I hadn't seen your replies yet, but I took good care of myself and went home. I got into bed and slept for three hours... Exactly the three hours of sleep I had missed last night because I was home way way too late, it was half past twelve.... I know I shouldn't plan any late things, but did so anyway and paid the price.

:stars:

Anyway, went home early from work and slept. Cried a lot. Slept some more. Hubby came home and caught me.

Quote from: arpy1 on July 05, 2016, 04:50:39 PM
sending you a hug  :hug: and :yeahthat: to what Three Roses said, annakoen. this is treacherous waters indeed and you are doing your best with a difficult situation, and that is good enough.  times like this, it's like you're having to navigate the past along with the present in these relationships which makes feel impossible to cope with. but... you are coping. you are doing good. so take heart and follow your heart. lots of support to you.  :thumbup:

This really resonated with me: it's like navigating past and present at the same time, yes... I calmed down somewhat when I managed to tell myself "This is trauma."

Spoke to my dad. He's fine, surgery wasn't so bad, he's feeling well. And then he asked about work and my career opportunities. He was really supportive. "Your talents are being seen. Now you can test out what it's like to lead people and see if that suits you or not. I know you have these qualities to be a good leader."

It's so hard to have to navigate past and present because yeah trauma.

I'm hoping some day I can reconcile these two worlds, the one I grew up in and the present one. My brain is still in 'storm' operating mode and I will fall back when triggered. It hurts.

I had some successes today as well: protected my boundaries at work (someone was pressuring me and I defused that with a lot of great humor) and went home when I felt I was breaking down.

Note to self: try to signal this sooner. Be home in time for sleep.

Thank you for your supportive replies and not judging :hug:

A week has passed without journalling. Quick recap:
Had an intense therapy session a week ago, after the huge trigger with my dad's surgery. Therapist confirmed that I am "processing trauma".  She mentioned PTSD again. Although she didn't say it out loud, I think she realizes now how deep my anxiety goes.  T said she's worried how long I can keep up with combining work and therapy. I said I didn't know. Besides this trigger, at work I'm fairly stable. I'm even being considered for promotion (in the long run) by my manager. But, I told her, please write along, because someday I might go for a PTSD diagnosis. I hope I don't need it.

She urged me to do two things: Firstly, focus on breathing. Gave me a book about hyperventilation. However, I do not recognize this: I discovered that I under breathe. It's like holding your breath before something bad happens, or when you see someone nearly falling, or whatever. I do that on a daily basis. When people pass me by bike, I hold my breath. (Also, my dad has asthma and sleep apnea, so maybe some hereditary thing in there as well. When I get drunk, I sometimes stop breathing intermittently. I will catch myself and take some deliberate breaths.) In general, I do not breathe very well I think. So, exercise: A few times a day, stop and focus on breathing. I need to breathe in deeply to get my breathing to be less shallow, so that's what I do now. Seems to help.

Secondly, my T let me choose two images from a stack that represented anxiety/trauma and relaxation/happiness for me. We talked about whether I could conjure up both feelings. Anxiety, easily of course, that felt very... bleh. Relaxation: Also managed to do that. She urged me to make a clear distinction between the two and mentally place the first one as far away from myself as possible. At first I thought in terms of "down the street" and then she asked me which country I placed it in..  :blink: Oh, yeah, right, really far away! Ok.

So, basically, the message she gave me and that I'm trying to give myself: Don't set up camp in trauma. I've been working on that this week and it's going rather well.

This morning, hubby saw a wasp in the house. My youngest cat will attack anything that buzzes without hesitation. So I yelled "NOOO!" (she knows something is forbidden when I say 'no' in a really low voice). Hubby grunted "You don't have to shout in my ear".

I froze. My breath caught. I walked to the bathroom as a flashback came to me.
Once, on vacation, my parents saw one of those signs with a name and character description. For me, it said "annakoen, lightning fast, leaves nothing to coincidence" and then some other things. My parents laughed and said "yeah, that's you". Mind you, I couldn't have been older than 6 at the time. I was very happy to get this affirmation. It was really rare to get any kind of compliment in our house. So they gave that to me as a present. Response of a typical child? Of course, I started talking faster, walking faster, talking louder. I'm lightning fast! I leave nothing to coincidence!

Within minutes, my dad had an anger outburst. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO START ACTING LIKE THAT JUST BECAUSE WE SAY YOU'RE LIKE THAT!".
I felt so betrayed. And put down. Basically, you affirmed me, only to take that away from me straight away and telling me that those traits are, to you, now, a bad thing. I feel so much sadness and anger.

My dad really has brain damage. I am sure of it. My aunt told us that my dad's personality changed after his accident and coma he was in. Nobody ever realized what that meant, for us children. He was so unstable, he would get so very angry. We were afraid of his anger outbursts. He would not care about you in those outbursts, at all. It was only about him.

I am, right now, still triggered somewhat. Just showed my hubby out to work. Good thing I only have half a day of work today.
Going to shut down my laptop now and try to breathe.

Breathe, annakoen. There's a reason you always say that to yourself, subconsciously you knew you're under breathing.
Breathe.

just want to say i think you're doing amazingly well atm. reading that last post, in spite of the triggers you are coping. take heart!  :yes:

Thanks  :)

Journalling really seems to help to get my thoughts/feelings clear.

We had some trouble at work today and I felt overly responsible. I want to fix things. But people need to cooperate and I need to have a clear overview of the playing field, otherwise bleeeaaaugrhgh. I stayed at work an hour longer than I should have, I should have gone home at 1PM. My manager even told me to go home and I ignored that  :stars: I stayed until 2PM because I really wanted to get a plan of attack clear before I left, but regardless the reason that was really dumb stupid inconsiderate towards myself. I need this afternoon off. To relax, to get tension off, to.. whatever.

Now, because I also promised hubby I would do some shopping, which I haven't done yet because I was just too damn tired and went home straight away, I feel rushed. I still have to cook, do some laundry, do shopping, feed the cats and meet hubby at the sports centre, all in a timespan of one and a half hours... 

:fallingbricks:

Did a good thing yesterday. Hubby told me many times "Just ask me for help. A lot of things you struggle with, I know an answer to."

Asked him if he could pick me up at home instead of me having to bike to the sports centre. He did, which gave me 45 minutes extra to do shopping. I was still a little rushed when I finally got into the car but on hindsight I think I may have prevented a meltdown  :cheer:

Not sure what to make of this evening. We went on an activity with colleagues and out to dinner. At some point, I switched into an uncomfortable mode, feels like I am trying to hard to.. Compensate? Hide?

I am talking loudly, laughing hard and joining in, but not feeling comfortable doing so. I organised the event, but would much rather be at home with a good book. I feel like I am.. Standing out like a sore thumb. Some form of social anxiety seems to take over, yes, feels like anxiety. Fear even.

Also, I know nothing about the world. I have nothing to contribute when people are talking about countries, travel, cultures. And when I do pitch in, I talk about an accident I read about last week. Nobody responded, awkward silence and they started talking about something else.

Exhausted.

:stars:

Ah, I know what it is.

Social hangover

:blink:

Anxiety anxiety anxiety

Unclear agreements with customer about a deadline sends me into an anxiety attack. Even though one person did tell me next Wednesday would be fine, a manager said "this weekend". This stays in my head, he never retracted his statement and he is higher in rank. But the lower ranked person said the customer had agreed to Wednesday. It makes me upright and panicky.

[remove duplicate]

Even more anxiety.

At work, I was irritable. I tried to explain a concept to a more senior person, but he refused to accept anything I had to say. I got more irritable as the conversation proceeded. Luckily, a (calm) colleague supported me.

I'm pretty irritable still. And anxious. I am afraid being irritable is something that will get me punished. Old programming: My emotions are a burden to other people.

New programming: I am allowed to be irritable once in a while, like everybody else. I didn't lash our, I wasn't mean, I just disagreed with someone. Vehemently  :cheer: ;D

I have so much anger and anxiety right now.
Why do people not understand what I am saying? Why can I not convey my message? Why are people so goddamn stupid?
Are they misunderstanding me on purpose? Why do so many people have no idea on how to do a job properly?
They will argue, * and moan about things, instead of just buckling down and getting the job done that was asked of you?
Why do people make things complicated that don't need to be complicated?
Most of what is confusing is made confusing.
Why do people do this?

Ugh. Hate humanity today.

Good day yesterday and today.

Turns out, under breathing is a form of chronic hyperventilation. And I definitely have that. I tend not to breathe a lot, or at all. Tend to finish a sentence even though my lungs are empty.

Goal: breathe deeper and more calmly

Had an anxiety attack before a presentation today and managed to shake it off by taking deliberate breaths

:cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Excellent! I bet that was a great feeling. Good job, you! :D

Thanks! :D yes, i felt great

More good things:
Positive feedback from a team member. Good cooperation with a senior colleague I had some trouble making a connection with. Was asked to fill in for my manager during the holidays.

Apologised for something I shouldn't have apologised for. Trying not to allow myself to feel that ruined the day. A lot of good stuff happened.

I can't breathe. Anxiety is crippling me.

I don't understand exactly why. It's a combination of things: I only slept 6,5 hours of the 9,5 I normally need. A colleague said that by moving the task note to 'done' for a difficult task he had been working on for weeks,  I "took the joy of moving that note from me". It's been haunting me since. During a meeting I spoke up on a topic where people were afraid to put data in a shared system because another department wants to access that data and they feel it needs to be suitable for them, i.e. We cannot put data in there that is useful for us, while the system is exactly meant for that.

My manager intervened and talked about how we shouldn't do "we vs. them thinking". And I'm thinking: you need we-them thinking for social cohesion! By removing boundaries, people become uncertain...

Ruminating, panicking, breathing is difficult now.

I'm being considered for promotion but I can't handle this.
I'm seriously considering asking my T for a referral for a PTSD diagnosis. Should I?

Tightness in my chest, difficulty breathing.  I want to escape but there is no escaping TO because it's all in my mind. I need to relax but don't know how, right now

Breathe, annakoen. You're alright, you're safe. Can you do some validations, or some breathing exercises? I like rhythmic breathing when I'm hit with anxiety because it's something I can do anywhere.

You're going to be okay! Find a truth that seems relevant to you right now and stand on it ("I am capable, I am good enough"). Keep posting here, we know how it feels and you're not alone!  <3

Thank you,  Three Roses.
I kind of resurfaced yesterday and today.

My husband was reading a book on how people experience pain and told me some anecdotes. People will prefer longer but lower pain over shorter but higher pain. I said "Not me. Better quick, to get it over with." He looked thoughtful for a while and then said "Yes, medicine needs to acknowledge that it's different for people with PTSD." Felt immensely validated then and there.

I do have PTSD, and I am going to discuss with my T, if I dare bring it up, the question of how to get a formal diagnosis.

My perception of the world is as if I see it through a stained, black window pane. Objectively my life is fine, subjectively I feel constantly in danger. The stress regulation system in my brain is definitely broken...

I'm feeling better now, on Sunday. It always takes a few days for me to settle down after working a whole week. A whole week is just too much for me.

Going to the sauna today, to relax some more

This week, I managed to get closure on something.... Very much so, that I don't remember what it was. It was a flashback that has been haunting me for a long time, I know that much.

Somehow, it has been erased from my trauma mixed tape of flashbacks   :cheer:

Doing well at the moment. Support group meetings are a godsend. Therapy also helps and I've got a good support network.

I'm at a bachelors party right now. After the first activity, a GPS hiking tour, we went to a cooking workshop. There were four courses, one of which was to be made by a single person. I chose that, it's a zucchini soup, real easy. I've made that before. All other dishes are in groups of four, that's too much for me right now. I said I felt a bit frazzled and wanted to do that at my own pace. The bachelorette at some point said to me over the din of sounds "If you need a quiet room, just tell the best woman, it's okay."

I teared up a little. I'm a HSP. And that's okay :')  :cheer:

There's a lot of noise, cutlery and pots and pans clanging together, but I am now on the terrace outside having a drink, because I finished creating my dish. Everyone else is still making their main course and desserts and whatnot, while I am now relaxing so that I can enjoy and be present at the dinner.

Yeah, going well right now :)

I'm on holiday... And it's triggering me constantly. Hubby knows I want to go home but the flight back is in a couple of days. We already agreed not to go on holiday this long (10d) next year but to go a few days and then back home.

:(

Sorry you're not having more fun.

Thanks. The last two days were good. Good talks with hubby about dissociation from me and some anxiety he is experiencing sometimes.

Stuck in trigger town today. Yuck. I hate it here but don't know how to leave... Trying to sleep but I can't fall asleep :(

I was immensely triggered, first by the perceived threat of missing a deadline, then by narcissistic colleague * on me (might be gaslighting even) and then another colleague calling me annoying. I just want to set fire to these people, that's how I feel right now. My mind keeps going over what happened and then replays alternate realities for me, where I become angry or say something witty. Flashbacks, sometimes. Flash alternate realities and flash forwards it is for me. I wonder if anyone else experiences this...

Trigger, trigger, trigger, ffuuuuuu--...

After gracefully deflecting both the narc and the guy with ADHD who keeps making derogatory remarks about women from my team, both persons who tend to take very 'against' stances in meetings and, frankly, people I'm afraid of, today for the third time management tried to get one of them in my team. I said I regretted that I have to be so explicit, but then gave the reason I don't want ADHD guy in my team. They were a little shocked at the behavior I mentioned. However, my new boss (yikes, more change! :( ) understood. I emphasised that it is me who is struggling with this person and I expressed that I regretted expressing my difficulties with said person. New boss said he thought I did well indicating my boundaries and that I would do well to consider indicating my boundaries with ADHD guy as well. I said I didn't mean to be negative about this colleague and that it is my problem really, newboss said again that it was no problem. He regretted not having seen it.

Inner critic is having a blast. "Now everyone will think you're a whiney btch.  If ADHD guy hears, the whole floor will know you said something bad about him. This is going to be food for the narc!"

:fallingbricks:

Trigger, trigger, trigger.... Ugh...
Try to calm down annakoen. Breathe. You're safe. You're not in danger. Even if people don't like you, you're fine. There is a safe place, at home. You're doing well. Be kind to yourself, you know your CPTSD  is there, it's the reason you may be kind to yourself. You may actually do less, not more, all things considered. Slow down....

Sigh... This is hard

 :hug:

Thanks Three Roses. Feeling better now that I'm at home. Anxiety attack has passed.

Geez, I'm gonna congratulate myself for being able to function at all at work... Good job, me. I'm doing my best and try to be forgiving towards myself.

Writing this down in a moment of "on the edge of starting to ruminate" and I'm consciously stopping myself right there.

Question.

When do you apologize to people? Especially at work?

At work, someone sent me a presentation that was.... just awful. It was a unprofessional throw-together which consisted of numerous slides with walls and walls of text... where a simple link to an existing 5 page PDF would have sufficed. It had photographs of drawings on a board where it would have taken less than half an hour to just reproduce these graphs in vector graphics or whatever you like. He violated almost all rules about presentations, i.e. a presentation should not have walls of text but simple bullet points, it should explain the main reasoning and conclusions but the details are best left to verbal explanation by the presenter. Said person could not even separate the main issues from the side issues.

Basically: It was unprofessional and said person asked me to review it. Me, explicitly. He had sent the presentation around a day earlier, with about 10 people on CC, myself included, and at the time I ignored it. I have loads of other stuff to do. That day, he asked me to review it, because he wanted to start giving a training to some colleagues. Now, note that he had copied all the material from a two day course he did earlier, together with me. Basically, a review would result in a step-by-step manual on how he should redo the entire presentation.

I sent him a message strongly advising him not to give the training internally but, instead, to keep working with external trainers who are qualified and can offer quality service. I told him the material looked copied and more like personal notes than training material and that creating good, high quality training material takes a LOT of time. I again strongly advised to keep working with trainers and ended the e-mail with kind regards.

Now, right now, I'm slowly getting anxious that I have hurt his feelings. Or that I came across as a d-ck. Or that he'll rat me out to my boss that I'm being uncooperative. My Inner Critic is trying to build a party, and abusing the sentence "It is better to be kind than right". But heck.. I cannot approve of a presentation, in a corporate environment, that a 15 year old would be able to do better for an assignment in school....

Am I being a pr-ck? I think I am...
The core question is: Can I live with myself being unkind every now and then? Do I have to apologize, even though nothing has transpired yet? I cannot be everyone's friend, it is not my goal in life, and cannot be my goal in a company either...

Anyone who has thoughts on this, I'd like to hear some opinions...

Hi annakoen,

I struggle with this a lot at work. It was only last year that a boss pointed out to me that I won't be able to please everyone so I shouldn't try. It was a revelation, sad to say. I personally believe that all correspondence can be written compassionately, but that takes time and most others don't seem to care too much. I also find that some people respect you less for being "too" compassionate.

So perhaps in your mind you sounded like a jerk. Maybe, possibly in that guy's mind, too. But he asked, and then asked again. If he didn't want to know he should not have asked.

One technique I picked up from my last job was the sandwich - placing the negative feedback in between two positive items so it stings less. Maybe it works. I appreciate the intention behind it, but now that I know what it is I can tell when it's being used on me.

I find that many of the women who get things done and get ahead are pretty blunt, so I hope that's some consolation to you. You might not be coming across harsh at all, even though you think you are.

Thanks mftb. I reread my post and yours just now and although I wasn't making an effort to be explicitly kind, it may not be as bad as my Inner Critic wants me to believe. I didn't call his work awful or anything. And yes, he asked me twice. I have heard men say more harsh things to one another.

So yeah double standards, I have them. A while back I came up with the following quotes, to forgive myself and make myself laugh when I'm being intense about this kind of stuff:

It's better to be kind than tight. But someone's gotta be right!

And: I'll be kind after we figure out who's right

:bigwink:

I know all about the sandwich. I feel it can make genuine compliments sound fake. I prefer to say what I mean when I say it.

Trying to find a balance in expressing myself and not letting the Inner Critic run rampant while heeding his advice when it makes sense.

Conclusion for today: no need to apologise until said person expresses hurt or disappointment and even then don't crawl through dust over a mildly blunt email. My message was professional, albeit perhaps not something he wanted to hear. Don't let me tell myself I am not worthy of breathing just because I sent an email.

Edit: If it does come up, I can express that I did not intend to hurt his feelings and, if necessary I can apologise for the tone of the message. Yes, that feels right, I think. And most likely this won't even come up, I'm probably worrying for naught again

Annakoen - I've had to deal with this a lot. I've had co-workers tell me that apologizing too much reduces the impact of when it is actually called for. WOW - that was a revelation!

My one fortunate gift while dealing with this inner/outer critic telling me I did it all wrong is knowing that I do have a gift for words. So, I built a reputation of using just the right words and/or tone to get the message across. I have been known to send an email for 'proof-reading' when I'm so angry or frustrated that I cannot use this skill. I have several very trusted co-workers who will review and edit for me.

The flip side of this is that those same trusted co-workers know they can have ME edit THEIR emails when they are in the same situation. I can calm down an angry email, pump up a wimpy email and help be more concise when that is required.

We pull together as a team. When I hear inner critic fussing that I said that all wrong and now, not only will they (customers) not like me, they'll stop buying and our company will suffer and it will be ALL MY FAULT. I send the 'offending' email to a coworker who usually comes back to me saying - what was the worry, that sounded fine! It could have even been tougher!

Take that, inner critic!

Since you are over a team, you know the personalities working with you. Is there one 'word-smith' in the bunch who could be trusted to be quiet if edits are needed, but also honest and helpful? I'm low on the totem pole and my boss hasn't yet learned that I can be such an asset. She will. I have faith. And I can talk louder than my inner critic, sometimes!

Good advice. I did ask for a proof reading a while back, that worked well.

On my way to my T now, on the train. Now that I've left work again, I'm calming down considerably. Ugh, work is such a pain... I'm hanging in there, I'm doing fine but I dissociate a lot and get anxious due to too many context switches. So yeah, after four years of working, still haven't exactly found what 'works' for me, haha. But I'm learning, I hope I can learn to be a decent team lead. If not, I can always do something else again. I don't feel so trapped anymore, although it is still tough.

Working on it. Inner Critic is subsiding a bit, I can now sometimes catch myself when he starts talking  :cheer:

 :cheer: :applause:

Thanks for your support :)

I'm learning to intervene for myself before things get out of hand.
Five minutes ago, I noticed I had a missed call from my mother. She often tries to call me on Saturdays.

Since the last time my dad was in hospital, and I experienced a major trigger, I've been prone to anxiousness whenever I see my mom has called. In my imagination, my dad has fallen, is unconscious, is not breathing, whatever, and she is in a panic.

Mind you, this happened once for real, I don't remember if I journaled about it yet. Now that I think about it, I should discuss this with my T.. My dad was once so hella drunk he stopped breathing. This was in the midst of an all-time low in our family, which came and went in cycles. HE couldn't cope with my growing up and all the other issues in our family (grandpa, his dad, had died, etc) and drank and drank. At some point he was totally out of it and I performed mouth to mouth in a desperate attempt to get him to breathe again. My mom was behind me, totally panicked and at some point I yelled she should call an ambulance. She didn't, she called our GP, but obviously on weekends he wasn't available. In the end, I screamed in her face to call an ambulance. She replied "You can't just call an ambulance!", but in the end she did call. After that, for weeks, whenever my dad was sleeping on the couch (drunk or not) I would anxiously check if he was still breathing.

Sometimes, when my cats are snoozing, I will ask my husband, anxiously, "Is she breathing??". He never mocks me, I think he knows why I am this anxious and then helps to check and reassure me. "Yes, she's breathing."

My dad had surgery a while back and the anesthetic lasted hours longer than it should have, way into the night when it should have ended around 5PM, clearly indicating his liver is going to *. He has problems with his sense of balance, when standing still he will be slightly swaying even when I know he's totally sober. His body is breaking down and he refuses to see it. I ended up in a huge trigger/anxiety/panic state for two days during that ordeal. I journaled about it, which helped.

I'm programmed by my dad to look after my dad and not to trust my mother. Now that I know she is probably autistic, this has been popping up every now and then, it's food for the programming dad inflicted on me. And on another level, I tell myself "They're adults. I am not barging in there and saving them. I will not be hypervigilant to this, they are 61 and 56, they should be able to sort it out themselves". And while I am typing this, I'm thinking "They're not that old, they are not due to die anytime soon and should be able to take care of themselves for quite a few years yet."

Like hubby said a while back "They didn't take care of you for 20 years, now it's your turn to not take care of them for 20 years. After that, we'll see."

I texted my mom I would call her in an hour. She texted me back she's on her way to the mall by bike, whether I could call a bit later.
Yep, will call her a bit later, I'm not up to it just yet today.

Ugh, poor day. Good thing I have the afternoon off. I'm not getting anything done at work at the moment and I feel bad about it

Small epiphany: until a few months ago, I would regularly bike to work in TERROR. Triggered before anything even happened, stuck in EF. Currently, that is all but gone.

I may never heal completely, but the terror is subsiding. Finally

Vehemently disagreed with someone at work today. Mild white noise of anxiety underlying my thoughts right now, but manageable. Don't feel unsafe, thankfully :)

*cue theme from Rocky...*

;)

Hahaha, thanks that made me laugh.

I seem to be more consciously aware of my thoughts now. For example, miscommunication always gets me in a funk. I get anxious and afraid of the other person's anger. Like now, I'm going for dinner with my brother and he went to the wrong train station. I had apped him I made reservations at a restaurant in my neighbourhood, so he should have gone to the train station near me. He didn't. He probably didn't see the "in my neighbourhood" part. He is a bit miffed now and I am now afraid. My mind wants to get stuck on how to 'fix it', make his discomfort go away. I tend to punish myself for mishaps like these. But they're human. It can happen. And it's not like the restaurant is going anywhere.

Trying to calm down. His anger is his, not mine.

He's here, everything's fine, no anger. Remember for next time ;)

Brain is rewiring? "hey.. I'm not in danger!" lightbulb

Also, since Friday I'm seeing in 3D. Seems odd to write it like this, but I saw the trees whooshing by as I biked from home to work.. Note to self: have not worn contacts for two weeks, am wearing them again today. Related?

Am I getting the hang of office politics? Instead of arguing for a case, I CC'ed the main stakeholder of some problem. He replied rather forcefully to the person who caused the problem/conflict. In other words, I didn't have to :) Very tactical annakoen

One step forward, two steps back. I'm horribly stuck in trigger town. We're missing a deadline, the boss was already angry last Friday and now we're having even more setbacks. In my mind, a shitstorm of anger and blame is about to descend on me and I'm terrified

:fallingbricks: :spooked:

The story I'm telling myself is that I failed, personally and that my judgement calls were the direct cause for all that went wrong. I'm telling myself I'm powerless, worthless and a victim of the situation. Nothing I can do will fix this.

*deep breath*

Contact boss, explain situation.
Contact 10AM appointment, ask for reschedule.
Don't stay too late, be kind to your HSP body

Anna - I've had a similar inner critic voice.

The lie - it's all YOUR fault, only YOUR fault and you're powerless now that the problem is here.

The truth (repeat until believed): In an organization, no one person has the power to be the SOLE cause of a problem, not even the CEO. And, if you had the power to make decisions that led to the problem, you have the power to set the resolution into motion as well. YOU CAN DO THIS, if you have to cry in the bathroom before facing the angry boss, do that and rinse your face with cold water before facing him. Remember, some people project their anger even when they're angry at themselves. Your boss may have some of this going on.

OK, stuff hit the fan. Grab a bottle of bleach and some towels. This, too, can be cleaned up. With teamwork, it'll be cleaned up even quicker. Folks who know you do your best regularly WILL be willing to help - that's the real nature of most people. The hard part, I know, is asking for that help.

And, most important of all - BREATHE! Nobody is going to die as a result of this mistake, right? Ok, that should include YOU! Breathe, then breathe again.  :hug:

Thank you so much for reaching out. Yes, it's the inner critic that tries to wreak havoc. Writing it down like that diminished it somewhat.

Guess what? Boss wasn't pissed today, maybe *because* I asked for help. He could see we were all making overtime, the whole team, to get it fixed. He adapted his planning and left us to do our work. At the end of the day, we finally, after weeks of agony, got it under control. We're going to do something with the team soon to celebrate the victory, relax and reconnect :)

My downs last a lot shorter these days, thankfully 

 :cheer: I knew you would find a solution. You're very smart and that's why you are entrusted with your position. Because YOU ARE CAPABLE!  :cheer:

Unplanned overtime sends me into a funk. Stress of the past 1,5 hours has not subsided yet.

Stress and cancer are correlated, I hope the stress of the past 30 years won't wreak havoc on my body... It has me worried, but there's not much I can do except to try to relax more now.

Today was not a failure. I was fun, engaging and got * done.

Thank you for the encouragement Wife#2. I fear I am often not able to respond to journals like yours, I'm exhausted most of the time. Please know that my heart goes out to you as well.

Pain pain pain pain.
Curse curse curse curse.

I made a mistake. I forgot to check a document, and now we have to do extra work to set things straight. Other team members also didn't catch it either, so it's not just me, but I feel extra super responsible, because this has been going on and on and on and on... And to find this fifteen minutes before five!! Argh, it's infuriating. I am telling myself I suck, I screwed up big time, I should have seen this, how could I have not seen this?! People will be so angry! We have a chance at fixing it before anyone catches on, but that makes me even more anxious. I feel like a failure right now.

Breathe! You are human, and humans make mistakes!

At my office we have a program called 'Problems, Errors, Mistakes'. When we catch one, we record it and what we did about it when we found it, to fix the problem or correct the error. The paperwork turned in is used as a teaching tool for where the mistake started and through anyone else who had access but didn't catch it. This helps ensure thorough training and review of each order processed.

Mistakes are viewed as opportunities to improve our processes. NOT as failures or as reasons for stress. Because our employers recognize that nobody is perfect, they actually get concerned when the number of 'P.E.M.' reports drops some months.

This has helped my inner critic from getting the better of me and reaming me for a simple error, or oversight of someone else's error. I wish you had the same type of program to help you alleviate some of your inner stress.

Breathe again. As fantastic as you are, as smart and capable, you are no more perfect than the fellow next to you or in the corner office. And, you ARE fantastic, smart AND capable!

As I said in your journal, thank you for reaching out. Everything worked out, finally, at the end of this week :)
I did not mention it in my journal I think, but I had a fight with my mom a week ago. I just realized that this contributed in major ways to my stress.

I can happily say that there **is** some form of progress!
Firstly, something positive that happened: I'm getting a raise!!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Secondly, they asked me so sign the raise, something that is usually not necessary. And since the HR department of the company I work for tends to * up regularly (they keep processing the wrong hours and calling me about holidays I did or did not take, which frustrates me to no end) I asked hubby if I should ask for a change to this document **before** I sign it. Reason: They mention a raise of my salary, but I am one of the few who has a monthly bonus structure on top of this raise under certain conditions (that are currently met). I am worried that HR will only read the "her salary is now XX" part and will stop transferring my monthly bonus. So, I e-mailed them back that I have encountered trouble with HR and would request that the wording of the raise is changed to prevent trouble.

Of course, right now I am worried that I may have overstepped, but as my T said: "No wonder you are always anxious about whether or not you were supposed to say something, you never received positive affirmation that your opinion and thoughts matter." I once stood up for myself to a bully, in the middle of class, and the teacher did **nothing**. I am always afraid of whether I did something _right_. But, you know, I am allowed to be my own person. Yes, I can be a bit of a controlling person. So what. There are many more people out there who can be nitpicky and controlling. And I'm one of them. I have a right to request a change of wording to a document I didn't even have to sign anyway.

It will take some time to relax again, but hubby encouraged me to send it. "They need to hear that HR *s up regularly. Just mention how you want the wording to be, they won't mind."

Congratulations on the raise!  :cheer:
Being assertive when needed isn't easy especially for those with CPTSD. So the fact that you did several times (I read few of your posts) stand up for yourself is great  :applause:
Glad your workplace recognize your work.

Ugh, a joke I took personally and blew up about. Colleague comes to my desk to talk it out. I feel threatened and offended. I feel stuck in the middle between something and he says "you put yourself in the middle". He's probably right but how else should I do things? I know no other way. I want to disengage but am not allowed to, says my inner critic.

I'm an introvert abused into extraversion

 :hug:  It stinks when something like this happens. I'm sorry it happened to you.

Thanks. I was really in a funk this morning. Two reassurances and pleasant interactions later I felt better. Colleagues understand I'm easily overwhelmed and don't seem to mind...  Wow

I cried in the bathroom at work. Sank down on the floor and cried. Some days I feel totally fine, and on days like this it hits me. Yes, I have CPTSD. I need a cup of tea and a blanket. Go home early tomorrow,  annakoen, you need it

Sigh of relief. It's weekend and I have a week off. Promised myself I won't push myself to do anything I don't want to this week.

Intend to make a wall painting my hubby wants to have on the wall of our living room. He'll be happily surprised :)

I like the sound of that ~ healing, therapeutic, relaxing and beautifying a space you share with a loved one.  :applause:

I have a week off and had a session with my T last Wednesday. Now, thanks to that, yesterday and today were both productive and relaxing.

I've been reading up on covert incest and some of the consequences. And I have to say, I have made progress the past ten years. Previously, I would not be able to enjoy contact with men. My previous relationship was very distant, I kept him at bay and he me. And always when men asked something of me, or complimented me, or approached me in any way, I would think "What is it you want from me?". I still have this a little, but not anywhere near what it used to be.

I'm going in the right direction.

One final thing: How do I decide whether to go NC? I've gone LC with my parents, but every time we do have contact and it does not go well, it costs me three weeks of my life in emotional flashback. My dad is texting me now, since it's my birthday soon. He texted me "your birthday is coming up" and I texted back "yep!". That's it. That's all I can send. I can't call him, I just feel it. Because you'll never know if he's sober. You'll never know if he'll pull me back into the covert incest dynamic. I can't handle that right now, I just recovered from an EF and still feel vulnerable.

Boundaries. I'm finding them.

I wish I could tell you when NC is required. But that's a very personal decision. It also takes work. That work can be exhausting, too.

One funny thing to relate: I went NC with Mom after a particularly bad holiday at my house. That went on for almost two years. Siblings didn't get it, I didn't expect them to. Friends thought I was being harsh. Except one. She knew Mom, but not the home-life side. BUT, she had a complicated relationship with HER mother, so she got that part. When I went NC, it made her think about her own situation. She's chosen VLC, but knows she can talk to me about it without judgment. And, she can vent to me when the VLC means time to talk to old Mommy and it went as bad as expected!

You'll know when one too many boundaries are blasted as if you hadn't stated them. When holding the rope would cause you more damage than dropping the rope, drop the rope! For your own health! When YOU are sure.

Thanks! I know by now I need firm boundaries in my contact with my mother or father. It's LC now and will probably be for some time to come.

I came across an idea that really stuck with me: the drama triangle. I was taught as a child to take the savior role. When that is too much, I switch to attacker or victim. Reminding myself to stay out of the drama triangle seems to be a helpful move. The victory triangle is what I'm aiming for. It's the first concept I've found that I can actually apply in daily life. Recommended read!

Yesterday, talked about Christmas and new years with hubby and sister in law. SIL will be on holiday during that time. I proposed we do a dinner with both families in January. This was met with approval.

At that moment, I should have *immediately* texted my FOO to invite them for this. I didn't, and I just now received an invite from my father for a dinner on Christmas. Now, I have to decline instead of taking the initiative. Frustrating. I don't dare to decline: I'm falling into the drama triangle right here, right now.

Don't reply yet, annakoen, try not to tense up / stress out. Discuss how to respond with hubby in an hour or so.

 :cheer:

OMG I caught myself again! :)

So recap: hubby hugged me while I had a good cry, told me "this is exactly why we should take it easy during Christmas, you're already in a funk over a text message" and I sent my dad a message proposing a new date.

Just now, half an hour ago, I got triggered like WHOA. I wanted to type angry email. Saved it instead and decided to go home. On the way out said bye to colleagues and indicated I felt bad about the meeting. Colleague responds: don't worry about it. I agreed with your point of view, I disagreed with the other person's.

Relieved. I'm still triggered, but doing well :)

Yay!

Urgh ugh urgh. Bad evening yesterday. Well, not bad per se, but disconnected. From myself and hubby. It frustrated him. I'm feeling guilty and upset, but know rationally that trying to 'make up' like a puppy that didn't do anything wrong but *thinks* it did, well... That's cute when it's a puppy, not so when it's your spouse.

Trying to calm down. Session with my T this afternoon, great timing!

I really, really, really need to take up journaling again. It was helping me cope, but I stopped for a whole month.
I'm really stressed out right now. It's the middle of the night here and I haven't slept for a minute yet. I know this will only add to my anxiety and stress in the morning, but I'm afraid to call in sick, especially after the meeting we had today. It was such a heavy meeting, with emotions flaring up and misunderstandings all over the place. I got angry and snapped at someone and other people fell over each-other to complain. Manager's behavior is extremely triggering for me and I can't seem to calm down.

If I call in sick, I'll feel like a failure. If I don't call in sick, it may end in crying at work.

Called in sick. Emailed my therapist, I'm going to go for a diagnosis. Ptsd, cptsd, dissociation, anxiety disorder, whatever fits, one or multiple. I can't go on like this until my old age...

Stress stress stress, pain pain pain

 :hug:

That was hard to do, but healthy, too. You are worth this effort, though.  :hug:

Three Roses, Wife#2, thank you for reaching out to me. I feel guilty at times that I cannot be more involved in this community, I hope I will have an easier time ahead so that I can give back.

So, yeah, sleepless night again. Anxiety. It's tougher in the week before my period usually (due this Friday)

I have an extra appointment with my T, this Wednesday, and in January I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. (still have to ask my GP for a referral though, not looking forward to that. Don't expect I'll have to defend myself but I always brace for just that....)

Colleague at work today, whom I have recently become the supervisor of, took me apart to inform me he may have an anxiety disorder and is seeing a T,  so he may miss days at work. I felt really comforted by firstly his trust, entrusting me with that information, and as a de-stigmatisation.. I'm not the only one struggling out there...

I feel threatened. Our team's performance is being questioned. Fair question in itself but it terrifies me to the bone...

I wanted to write I can't handle it, but deleted that sentence, that's a good sign at least...

I'm stuck in an EF, have been for more than 5 days now I think. Insomnia again.

:hugs: wishing you peace & healing :)

Going for a diagnosis. In less than a week I have an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Hanging in there. I'm doing okay right now :)

I haven't written in a while. Things are reasonably well. I'm decreasing the amount of therapy sessions. That's good. But now I have a lot of dissociation going on lately. Not so good.

Anxious day.

Something hurts real bad: I see narcissistic tendencies in my sibling.

Thus throws me off so bad. It makes me doubt myself as well. Could I have narcissistic tendencies too? Am I kind enough to my husband? I often have so little energy left for others. When that happens, I feel quite inadequate. I hereby vow to pay more attention to the friends in my life and cultivate my friendships!

It feels really bad to see the genuine personality of my sibling disappear. I get nothing but emails and messages that do nothing but try to evoke a response from me. He cannot handle any type of feedback that is not totally 100% positive. This has steadily been getting worse. These tendencies have always been there but lately it's ridiculous. He is even bothering my husband with messages and emails. He tends to 'steal' hobbies by suddenly being very interested in them too and then demands to ask or give unwanted advice.

It hurts because I see how damaged he is underneath. But I see no way to help him, because he refuses any conversations that he cannot dominate...

Sad day

This week, I've been practicing saying no. Standing my ground. Happy with that, I'm feeling a lot better.

Yowtch, anxiety attack...

Work related. Again   :|
Sensitive to perceived criticism. Boss seems to think I'm not consciously managing my stress. God, Psych, come up with that diagnosis already...

Promised hubby I would call my psychiatrist... But I really don't want to call just to say "thought I'd let you know I'm anxious again". Ugh...

I'm with hub. Maybe your psych needs to know it's too the point edger others (like your boss) are commenting on it. Could speed up the process? Big, gentle hugs to you :hug:

Thanks three roses.
Had an appointment with Psych today... I didn't call him. My excuse was that he was on holiday. Weak, I know :(
Forgot to mention that my boss is also making comments. I will mail my psych this when I get home. Promise to myself

Emailed my psychiatrist two weeks ago and last week. Also talked to my therapist. Psychiatrist talked about anxiety disorder and maybe PTSD. My T is encouraging me to push for an official PTSD diagnosis. She offered to call psychiatrist to convince him. She even got a bit worked up over it.

I wrote a letter to the psychiatrist that I want to read to him next appointment, to explain what I'm dealing with to support a PTSD diagnosis

Inner critic is having fun, telling me I am not nearly bad enough for a full blown PTSD diagnosis...but deep down I know I am. I am actually hopeful and a bit fearful as well. I don't dare to imagine what having a diagnosis will be like. For starters, I can then start getting my foot off the eternal gas pedal and stop working full time...

Hopeful.

Okay, I need to start using this journal again. If only to have a safe space to vent.

I'm moderator on a forum. Today I realized I feel like I'm posting there wayy too often. I worry I'm suffocating people.

On the one hand, I want the right to be as intense as I want to be. But I don't want to be a nuisance to others. I don't want them to feel like I'm watching their every move.

I feel * right now.

PMS doesn't help... 

I'm doubting whether I should remove my last post altogether. Should I apologize? Or just... Stop posting for a while, starting now.

Don't panic, don't panic... Just stop for a while...

vent away, anna.  you're safe here, and not alone.  big hug.

Thanks :')

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I had dinner with my parents and my brother. My dad probably has undiagnosed: TBI, PTSD, narcissistic traits and he's an alcoholic. His behavior definitely constituted child abuse. My brother is probably narcissistic, as a consequence of the neglect and abuse. They're both very difficult people. My mom probably has autism. She is the most upbeat person I know. Which is very difficult in its own way, because due to her austism and her own background, I can't really talk with her about anything. She'll forcefully tell you to be happier. Well-intended, though! Those dinners are tough nights.

The weeks leading up to it were.. well, pretty bad for me. I had a lot of anxiety, sleepless nights and nightmares. And, come to think about it, I'm not sure if the lingering anxiety I have today is still from back then?... It takes me a long time to process emotion.

Anyway... It was actually not a bad evening. It's becoming more and more clear how mentally ill my father is. And, with all the work I've been doing over the past year, I found myself reasonably able to resist his old 'tricks'. At some point he started talking in a way that I've come to see as delusional/paranoid. He'd find fault with something and won't stop going in circles about it. In this case: High school teachers. He'd go on and on about how they suck and their jobs suck and they are * and... And at some point he'll bring up that his mother died when he was young. Which is his default goto. He'll find a way to insert that into the conversation, even if it's a complete tangent. He sounds like Donald Trump a lot, I'm afraid... 

But this time, I just looked away and focused on eating my food. I stopped responding. Basically, I gray rocked that *. And it worked somewhat. I was pretty pleased with myself. I turned to my mother and kinda used the fact that she is oblivious to most social things, and asked her about her work. She'll go of on a happy rant about how she loves her work. It was perfect! Not only that, but she asked me how I was doing. And I really felt a connection with her! That's huge progress  :cheer:

I'm also having a lot of trouble with my brother. He's resembling my father more and more. The negativity just oozes out of his pores. And it's soo tiring. This week he asked me to meet for a cup of coffee, as he was going on a holiday soon. He was just all negativity. But this time, I didn't try to fix it. Or, at least, not as much as I used to. I tried to turn the conversation around a little, because all that paranoia about people listening in on our conversations and everyone at work being against him, etc etc is just exhausting.

At some point in the conversation, he took a thing I said and turned into an insult at my address. I point blank stared at him and said "*". And kept looking at him. Until he sorta mumbled "nevermind" and continued onto something else.

Two hours in, he said another thing that could be taken for an insult and then, realizing I didn't appreciate it, turned it into a joke. And I turned the conversation towards goodbyes and left.

I just left.

I didn't walk out like a rude person. I just paid for my part of the bill and said "well, I'd better go now" and said my goodbyes. I didn't tell my brother that my husband is out of town, because I didn't feel like hosting my brother's pity-party at our house. I just said goodbyes. It had been two hours of conversation and I'd had my fill. My brother looked quite shocked and bereft, but nothing else happened. That was it.

He texted me a couple of times that day, with angry messages about how his life is *. But I'm done. I'm not his therapist. I spent the better part of my twenties trying to convince him to see someone. He visited a therapist I recommended once or twice, but never stuck with it. I've shown him the way. The rest is up to him. I'm not going to convince him to see a therapist or stick with it. It wouldn't work. It has to be his own choice. I feel his life has to fall apart before he'll do something about it. And maybe that's a good thing. I am not going to prevent him from hitting rock bottom, as harsh as it sounds. He needs a wake up call.

I feel some sadness about this all, too. The past three years I've spend figuring out what's going on with my dad and brother. Only to find out they are bitter, angry and hollow inside.

But I'm happy to find out that I can be in contact with them, somehow, and still preserve myself. I have a long journey to heal, I know it, but I think it's some progress that, when I feel obligated to meet with them, I can do so and find a way to distance myself from them somewhat, at the same time. And I can realize how damaged they are. I can see them for the damaged human beings that they are. And I can now see that. And I realized just now that during the last few visits, I wasn't angry at them for being so damaged. Not all anger has left me, but I'm making some headway.

Now, the work for me is to heal further. To learn to be kinder to myself and others. And more compassionate to myself and others as well. I find that the more I unearth about where my judgmentalness of others comes from (of course, a deep judgmentalness/dislike/disdain of my own flaws is tied in there firmly, but it's taken me a long time to really really realize this), the more compassionate I think I can learn to be.

Courage, compassion, connection.

I've reached out to some friends again recently. I'm afraid not all of my social connections are as good as they used to be. I think I've not only been struggling with an anxiety disorder, but there are some elements of dysthymia in there as well. And I've found out I may have ADHD.... Which explains like 100% of my quirks and intensity! I have six full pages of ADHD symptoms and counting which I've written down in the past two weeks.

In combination with my high IQ (just 3 points shy of gifted) I'm extra-super-duper intense. It explains so much!

I'm going for an evaluation at the end of the month! I just hope they'll have some decent experience and won't think I'm being a smartass by answering all questions with YESSS!!

Long time no post, but it feels good to write this down somewhere.

I've always been bad at keeping up blogging. But I hope today marks a fresh start.

My therapist has been trying to help me get in touch with my body more. She refers to the emotions as residing in the belly. I've never felt much down there.

But the past week, I've decided to try a more holistic approach to reducing my anxiety. I'm having a lot of anxiety as well as bowel problems. I'm going gluten, dairy and soy free. And later, if needed maybe cut out corn as well. Also I'm taking multi vitamins and bought magnesium, to see if (small doses of) supplements help. I'm gonna try stuff. Just. Try. Try to change something, and see how I feel

I will need to do more to get rid of my anxiety, like meditation and long walks. This has never been clearer to me than today.

I need to make changes in how I treat my HSP body. It needs a lot more care than I cared to admit

Oh, and I started a food diary. I've been keeping track of what I eat and how I feel since Saturday. Hoping this helps the battle against anxiety

So far so good. This week 2 anxiety attacks. Foods that may have contributed: milk and soy?

Odd thing is: I ate Yoghurt on Saturday and Sunday and I didn't have anxiety on those days. So why would the two cups of milk on Wednesday have been an issue? Don't know... The again, I had severe anxiety on Monday. Ate soy products on Sunday evening and Monday morning. Could the soy on top of the milk have been the tipping point?

Mailed my gp to ask about diet and supplements. She responded with a referral for blood tests. Tests for anemia, B12, glucose, hemoglobin, and more. The curious thing: having blood taken was totally different from last time. Last time I was a ball of anxiety. Today I was totally calm. Like, unusually so for me.. Haven't eten gluten in 6 days or so and no milk for 2 days. Could this be related???

Part of me hopes they can find something in my blood to explain the anxiety...

hi anna,

the relationship between what we put into our bodies and our emotions/reactions is indeed complex.  i give you all kinds of credit for looking at possible connections, and getting tested to see what else might be going on.  i think it's progress that you're able to begin dealing with your body now, and i wish you all the best.

my d had severe anxiety, and one thing she was told by a nurse was that sugar can exacerbate it.  she went sugar-free for a few years till she had her anxiety more under control, then has weaned herself back on (she missed her 'treats'), but is still careful about the amount she consumes.    so far, so good.

i wonder if the enzymes in the yogurt helped your body regulate the dairy intake.  with these kinds of things, like with meds, it can be experimental.  good for you, tho, for becoming more aware, and i hope your tests give you some useful information.  sending love and hugs to you.

Hi sanmagic7,

thank you for your message, it means a lot to me.

Thank you on the advice, also. I haven't had any candy for a week. I'll make sure to stay away from refined sugars as well. I can easily do without. Except liquorice, haha. But I'm sure I can find alternatives for that.

Thank you for the suggestion on the yoghurt. The jury's still out, it will be weeks or months of keeping a food log to see if there's a relationship. But I agree, I think it's a good signal that I've reached this point. This is the first time in my entire life that I'm looking closely at what my body likes and dislikes. I've neglected my poor body in many ways... By nearly pushing it into a burnout three times. That I have never looked at food, is part of the pattern...

Result or no result, having the blood taken was not a bad experience at all. And that's a good experience in itself.  :cheer:

Again, thank you. I appreciate your message

Wow my body has been trying to send out so many signals all these years. Tinnitus, sore breasts, headaches, ocular migraines, no sense of smell, tiredness,... too many signals to mention. None of these are a daily thing. Some are rare. But it's a long list, nonetheless..

I'm trying to listen.

Keeping a food journal feels empowering :)

I ate some tempeh with a bit of cheese. I was a bit apprehensive (soy and dairy are suspects in my investigation ;) ), but I'm glad I did. I don't want to become fearful of food. So far, 1.5 hours later, no ill effects. A bit of tinnitus, but no anxiety.

Also supplemented with some magnesium this afternoon, because I felt really foggy in my brain. That seemed to have helped a bit? Not sure and nothing definite. I used one third of the supplement dose. (3 tablets a day, I took 1)

I'm rather proud that I'm experimenting without going overboard.

sending all the encouragement i can muster to keep going.  you're doing so well, anna - you deserve to be proud of you.  if it's my place, i'm proud of you as well.  love to see this for you.  love and hugs all over the place.

Am I imagining this? Have I ever felt this good before? Is my ADHD just messing with me and is it just that I can't remember, or is this really helping? Am I gluten intolerant without knowing it??

I'm keeping a food log (+ how am I feeling log), so we'll know in 7 more weeks. I'm susceptible to placebo and confirmation bias. My husband suggested I keep it up for at least 8 weeks. "That should cancel out the placebo effect, because by then you'll hate quinoa" hahaha

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 12, 2018, 03:25:00 AM
sending all the encouragement i can muster to keep going.  you're doing so well, anna - you deserve to be proud of you.  if it's my place, i'm proud of you as well.  love to see this for you.  love and hugs all over the place.

Thank you thank you San for your kind words  :hug:

Oof, morning fatigue. So very very tired.

But, crucially, still not anxious!

sounds like progress to me, sweetie.  keep up the good work.  sending love and a hug filled with encouragement and support.

I think this may finally be the change my body has been waiting for. I'm writing down what I feel physically. And although I have aches and pains, mentally I'm feeling pretty good. Even had energy to clean the house a bit. And to cook calmly.

Google tells me I may have adrenal fatigue. It rings true to me. The morning tiredness especially. And the crash at 9pm followed by (if I can't sleep) a new peak at 11 which can keep me up until one.

I'm really hopeful, things are looking up! Haven't felt this way in a long time.

"Waking between 1 AM and 3 AM may indicate low blood sugar resulting from inadequate glycogen reserves in the liver, low adrenal function and cortisol, or both."

Well, there's something waking me up, that's for sure...

Holy *... I'm HAPPY

I'm singing. I'm listening to music.

I'm HAPPY!

Blood tests: no abnormalities found.

I don't know how to feel about it yet. Part of me had hoped for an abnormality, really...

Have a new appointment with my doctor in two days. I'll be bringing a list of questions, so that I can't forget

Right now, I'm mostly journaling about how I feel physically, but I'm considering this to be good progress.

I was very very very tired today. Turns out tiredness can be part of what is called "gluten withdrawal". I was also a teeny bit anxious, but I caught myself in time before I started ruminating. This morning was awesome, the afternoon isn't great. But looking at the global average of how I've been feeling the past week, I'm calling my experience with going gluten-free so far a success.

I'm expecting tiredness and nausea for the next two weeks or so. And probably hunger. I recognize these things from when I went abroad and my diet changed suddenly and radically. I was very hungry and for three weeks. Angry, also.... Oh well, we'll see. :)

Tiredness hit me like a wall of bricks several times this week. I recognize symptoms of adrenal fatigue.

My doctor supports my dietary changes. Gluten free and sugar free. She knows I have generalized anxiety disorder and doesn't mind much, it seems. She suggested I make a follow up appointment in October. When I said that's what I wanted to ask her, to prevent anxious visits (I can tell myself to wait until October) she replied: exactly, that's what it's for.

My body has been waiting for this self care for a looong time... Could this be the change I needed to live a happier life?

More and more things fall in place: I can remember being anxious, tired, labile and cranky after various lunches. Gluten-filled ones.

I'm hopeful this will finally help me level out

I feel like I'm doing rather well today. I'm making sure I'm eating regularly and drinking enough. I'm not as focused as I'd like, but again: not anxious.

I'm a bit better at regulating my emotions and impulses today. Yesterday also.
My brother called yesterday, to let me know he's going to quit his job today. He's going to either travel or study. He hadn't decided yet.
I know what's going on with him: I quit my job last year. So, now he has to quit his job as well. He copies anything I do. The course he wants to follow: My major.
A part of me is pretty pissed off about this. But it's not banging-my-head-against-the-wall-angry. Also, part of me wants to tell him that he's copying me because deep down he hopes he'll finally feel loved if he does the same things I do. He only got negative attention as a kid, I got all the positive attention, but neither of us was supported. But I won't tell him. It's not my place. He has to figure out for himself who he is, what he wants and where he stands. I've been parentified enough in my childhood, I'm not picking up this glove.

I can't fix him. I'm not his therapist. Maybe he needs to indeed quit his job today and cut his lifelines. It'll either be a good experience for him, or he'll hit his head against the wall and maybe wake up.

Who am I kidding. He isn't going to change anytime soon...
I'm a little upset about that. And I'm rather proud that I can recognize (part of) how I feel about it. It's conflicting, but manageable, today.

Oh, also, last week when I had anxiety after drinking two cups of milk, I found myself crying and wishing to be comforted by my mother. I think that's some level of progress, too. To acknowledge that need, that was never met in childhood. I texted my mom to have our nails done together.

Still feeling pretty good.
I had a bad morning sometime this week, felt rather depressed. But a good lunch fixed it! :)

I'm feeling human again.
I'm enjoying music.
I'm being kinder to my body.

Wow, there really is some truth to choosing a good diet.

My shoulders are a bit tight still, but overall, I'm feeling... I'm feeling like myself.
I don't feel so broken. I even feel decently smart and seem to have more energy to analyze situations.

Dear Lord, please let this improve further!

Sounds like really positive changes and results :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: 

Thank you Blueberry.

Yes, things are looking up!  :cheer:

Truth be told, I had a really bad evening last night. Woke up at 4AM very hungry. Ate something. But I felt very very depressed. Soooo depressed. My life felt miserable and without hope. My period is due in a week or so, and we've so far always attributed it to PMS. But PMS was never this bad in my teens and twenties! I had the pill and Mirena then, is what my husband says. But still... PMS has been getting worse and worse every time. I am seriously dreading it now. I never used to have that.

I've been doing a lot of reading, and there are several things that could contribute to PMS. Food intolerance is one of them. Adrenal fatigue is another. And adrenal fatigue... boy that resonates with me. My poor body has been under so much stress. For years and years and years. And adrenal fatigue can make food intolerance worse, or even cause it and food intolerance feeds into adrenal fatigue!

I'm hoping that tackling what I eat will help in the long run. It would make it so much more manageable to know that there is a trigger somewhere that I can identify and then eliminate. I'm really hopeful and optimistic at the moment.

I've temporarily cut out gluten and dairy and try to minimize my sugar intake. So far, still no anxiety attacks for three weeks. It's looking really good. One more week to go, let's see how my PMS goes and then I've been doing this for four weeks. If this helps, I'm sticking with it for another four weeks. At the very least. I may never go back.

As it stands, I'm starting to suspect that nightshades could be contributing to the depressive episodes. So, I intend to limit my intake of those.
Who am I kidding, I want to stop eating them right away! I'm keeping a food journal. Let's see how it all works out. I don't care if I have to live off cucumber the rest of my life, as long as I'm feeling happier. That's the whole point.

Oh I don't know if I've written this down already, but improvements so far:
- no anxiety
- better sense of smell and taste
- more confidence
- less sweating
- better sense of touch / heat / cold
- better awareness of my surroundings (although it is nowhere where I want it to be and goes up and down)
- shoulders are less tight (more cracking of the shoulders and to be honest more pain as well.. but it used to be so tight I didn't feel *anything*)
- more feeling in my belly / stomach

It's already a good experiment. The upcoming week does make me a bit nervous. I'm hoping this isn't just a lucky streak and will really help me through my PMS as well.
I'm hopeful and optimistic, but also a bit nervous and uncertain. Weird feeling.

anna, well done!  it sounds like you're really doing a good job with this experiment.  i can relate to adrenal fatigue, too.  it definitely can interfere with so much.

sending a hug filled with encouragement to keep going - i think you're doing great - and lots of love.

Thank you sanmagic.
Yes, this experiment is brilliant.

I was worried about PMS coming up... Well.. That tough night *was* my PMS! My period came 4 days early. And I haven't been nearly as miserable as I tend to be!!

I'm so happy!  :cheer:

My husband thinks I'm overdoing it with the dieting though. I want to eliminate more foods that I think upset me and he said "Just finish this (=gluten, dairy) first". He also said "I want to be able to go out for dinner together." and "I like eating the same things at home together."

I understand now that he's worried this will mean we won't eat together. That the togetherness will go away. I now see that eating a meal together is really important to him. If I fuss about food, it apparently feels to him like we're not doing this together. Subconsciously, he expects this to be a temporary thing.

I haven't the heart to tell him it could take anywhere between 6 months to 2 years for symptoms to subside.

I don't know what will happen the next few months, but if symptoms keep improving, I don't intend to expose myself to these food groups anytime soon....

Started reading The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk.

Wow. Just, wow

Love that book. Gave me a much better view of how deep the damage goes. CPTSD really is an injury and not an illness.

Yes, thank you for that phrase, three roses. This book makes it clear that I don't "have" any disorders. I am not fundamentally defective. I am injured. And it also made clear what to do: yoga, massages, writing. Maybe more but these are the ones I'm picking. Also contacted a therapist specialized in EMDR, let's see what that does. The book said it didn't do as much for childhood trauma, but I'm going to try.

I'm just afraid that it might be "too late" for EMDR. Ten years ago, I had so many vivid flashbacks. I knew what had happened to me. Today, I have so much stress but I can't remember why. I fear I have repressed a lot, just to be able to function. How will I be able to bring up things to process with EMDR if I can't remember?....

Still, the road ahead is clearer now.

I wish that book had existed in 2004...but then again, the therapists I got probably wouldn't have read it...

I'm thinking about sending them a copy of this.

Also, the book says something my current therapist feels rather alone in: that helping the client make language where there is none, is vital. My therapist had always (in her schooling) been forbidden to explain things to her patients. I'm going to copy that page and give it to her. I'm sure she'll be glad to read that affirmation of what she felt was right

That's a great idea, annakoen. I believe in getting the word out to therapists and encouraging education in those in the medical field, in hopes that it will have a ripple effect and spread the word about cptsd.  :thumbup:

I've shared the chapter with my therapist. She appreciated it and thanked me for sharing it :)
Not sure yet if I'll send anything to my former therapists. I'd like to, but I don't have the money and energy to spare. So this will have to wait until later.

I am typing this to get something off my chest. My brother is begging for attention again. He is now claiming that he will quit his job to travel the world. Do what you must brother, but you'll get no compliments from me until you've done it. He has done this more times than I can count: Claim that he'll do some amazing lifechanging thing (change his job, quit and go to university, move cities, etc etc) and he'll never do it. He just wants attention. He just wants narcissistic supply. He sent me a link to polarsteps, urging me to start following his travels. Dude, you haven't left yet. Also, he wanted to "meet up with me before he left". I replied: "We'll meet up right before your flight. Let me know when that is." Haven't heard from him since. See, I don't really think he has quit his job. He never confirmed it. He was going on and on about his travels and how he'd let me know what his boss would "offer" him. You see, I think his boss wants to get rid of him and will propose him something like: You want to travel? Well, how about we terminate your contract and give you two months' salary to go with you on your travels? This is just me speculating, but I've seen my brother and the way he acts. I can vividly imagine his boss is sick and tired of him. But hey, maybe my brother is a model employee. What do I know? All I know is I am tired of him demanding attention.

My dad is no different. He sent me a WhatsApp asking if I received the polarsteps link. And "if I knew how that worked". FY dad. I've catered to your emotional needs my entire childhood. You're on your own. I apped: "I got a link too but haven't checked. Don't know how it works." My dad sends back: Then we'll have to figure that out.

I'm silently screaming inside my skull: There is no WE!  :pissed:

Go away. Leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with you two in the foreseeable future.

I've taken up the habit of deleting texts that upset me. Maybe it's childish, but it really helps to calm me.

I am so, so bloody pissed.

My therapist encouraged me to connect with my anger. Well, here it is. I'm seething.

Okay, this anger helps me. It's telling me stuff.

Firstly, if my dad says "we" he never means doing something together. He always means: "Can you take care of... ?"

Ugh :pissed:

hey, anna, i think deleting those texts is a show of empowerment.  just my opinion, but if they help you feel better, then i'm all for it.

glad for you that you're getting in touch with your anger.  it's an important asset for us at times, i believe.  keep going, you're doing great.  sending love and a hug filled with support and encouragement.

Thank you San, I appreciate it

Been feeling crappy the past four days. PMS (=anxiety) on Saturday and the aftermath consisting of more anxiety.

I can't seem to relax. I don't like life right now. I dislike needing money. I dislike not feeling like I can make my own choices. I dislike my anxious brain and body. Why can't I just be happy like everyone else?   :pissed:

Installed an app called GoodDays. It shows you a red/green calendar. Right now, I *know* the past month has been good, but these four days screw it all over. I need to keep some proof for myself. That my life isn't * all the time. That I am actually happy on a lot of days, contrary to what my anxiety wants me to believe

Ha! Triumphant "HA!"

My physiotherapist concluded I have mild hypermobility. Not the extreme kind where people spontaneously dislocate shoulders, but noteworthy nonetheless.
And look what I found: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3365276/

"Joint hypermobility is overrepresented among people with anxiety and can be associated with abnormal autonomic reactivity."
"Individuals with hypermobility are (up to 16 times) overrepresented among those with panic or anxiety disorders."

Also: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201806/hypermobility-and-anxiety

Apparently, if your joints are more flexible, you can have the paradox of being really tense! Your muscles will try to overcompensate to get some semblance of balance. Because being too mobile means you are more 'wobbly'! And apparently, it can also cause tight shoulder muscles and shoulder pain!  :aaauuugh:

So.. here is yet another marker for my anxiety and shoulder pains and whatnot!
And it is not "all in  my mind" !  :pissed:

Watched some YouTube videos: No, not *that* flexible... I can put one thumb to my forearm, not the other. I can bend my elbows past 180, but only slightly. I can touch the ground without bending my knees. But I can't jump rope with my own arms, or turn my leg backwards in its socket. BUT. I am more mobile than average. The physiotherapist confirmed that this may have caused my muscles to lock up, in order to overcompensate for the unbalanced feeling it gives me.

Is ruminating and the inner criticism a form of self-harm? I think it is.

God, modern medicine sucks. They treat only one symptom, and ignore the rest. How blind they are to the human condition.

hey, anna,

good point you bring up about ruminating/self-criticism = self-harm.   interesting thought.  i think i could be, actually, if i think about it.  either can certainly be a way to keep ourselves from moving forward or doing something positive for ourselves.  and either isn't a 'neutral' type of behavior.  hmmm . . .

i'm with you all the way about how we're not treated as whole people by most in the medical field, but rather as a series of symptoms.  and all the new drugs that are appearing to treat all the newest symptoms brought on by older drugs being used to treat other symptoms at the same time creating newer symptoms.  what a vicious cycle.

interesting insight into the whole flexibility/muscle tenseness scenario.   more 'wobbly' - never heard it put that way, but it makes sense.  thanks for sharing.

love and hugs to you.

I think nobody goes "Hey you know what would be a good idea? Drinking myself into oblivion". Self-harm is inherently an unhealthy coping mechanism. And I think rumination/inner critic is too. It is consistent with ptsd, but the damage and hence the coping is more emotional than physical

I'm doing well. The GoodDays app helps. It makes clear that I have many good days. It's the fear of the next bad day (in which all my memories of good days go up in smoke) that keeps me from enjoying them. And the conviction that I'm defective.. Recognizing this feels like a good step.

I'm having more vivid dreams (normal ones, no trauma). And I recognized dissociation as it was happening to me. And intercourse with my husband didn't trigger me.

GoodDays

sounds like progress, sweetie.  yay, you.   love and hugs.

Meeting with my brother today. Told him I have 1 hour. Let's try to protect my boundaries.

I've decided that if he makes so much as one derogatory remark (about me or my husband) he gets a formal warning that from now on, whenever he does that, our lunch/dinner/day is over and I will leave.

Yuck, why do I make degrading remarks about myself!? Why do I do that? Am I inviting him to pounce? Why, why?!

He's quit his job and is moving in with our parents. I'm triggered big time.

Bah bah bah

maybe you make those remarks in order to protect yourself.  if you say them first, the other person can't say them and hurt you with them.

i love those boundaries you put out for yourself.  it sounds like you weren't entirely pleased with meeting your bro, tho, due to other factors.  i wish it had gone better for you.  sorry to hear about the trigger, too.  ugh.

sending love and a warm, caring hug to you, sweetie.

Big hugs to you  :hug: sounds great about telling him you'll immediately leave if he's insulting. Good boundaries!  :cheer:

Sorry to hear he is moving in with your folks tho -  :fallingbricks:

Thanks all. I'm not doing too well right now, but I'm recognizing it. That's some progress at least. I'm letting the tears flow. I often feel like I'm bleeding emotionally. And sometimes it feels like an artery. People have hurt me so much and so often as a child. It wounded me deeply.

I often wonder when the tears will end. I wonder when I'll stop bleeding. On moments like these I just feel so... So amputated. Part of me wishes I could hand my suffering to the ones who inflicted it.

I'm starting to come to grips with how much damage there is to address and unpack. I'm so angry. I'm so goddamned angry at people for * up my life  :pissed:

I think the reason I make degrading remarks about myself, is because it makes other people laugh. It was a coping strategy from childhood: make mom and dad laugh, quick, before they start fighting. And it probably developed from there. I could evoke a response, any response, from people. It made the unpredictable, predictable. I'm not sure if it's to be ahead of them... Or, maybe, yes.. It hurts when I do it, but at least not as much as when another person does it. Which, rationally, doesn't make sense because my own opinion of myself should count as more... But there you have it. Putting others above myself.

My brother is a huge trigger. So is talking about my parents. I've known it for a while. Yesterday I was already anxious. Hubby gave a meaningful look when I told him I'd be meeting my brother: aha, that's why you're anxious.

I feel really bad about this, but on some level, I am angry at my brother for not being the brother I want to have. Every conversation is a minefield for me.

I'm not done processing today yet. I don't know how I feel yet.

I think him moving in with my parents is a grave, grave mistake. I mostly feel for my mother. It's going to be * there again with two narcissistic men.

But it not my fault, not my problem, I don't have to fix this. Why do I have this family?  :no:

Oh yeah San, I wanted to reply in your journal but I felt like an intruder, so I'll say it here: I too need a LOT of time to process things. And I'll drag it around with me for a long time. It won't be resolved until I feel heard and validated. Sometimes the person isn't there anymore because it's decades ago. And I am still mulling it over. Stuck in a loop. And others don't get that I'm back pedaling on something because I didn't agree in the first place, but went along because I didn't know it yet... I need wayyy more time to figure out what I feel.

Annakoen that's me too.  :hug:

 :hug:

anna, i would never feel like you're intruding.  what you wrote to me here just felt validating and supportive, and i thank you for that.

why, indeed, do any of us have our families, people who hurt us in childhood and beyond.  it's sad to me that you have these worries on top of you, but you're right - not your problem.  that was something i was taught by a sometimes very wise man - whose problem is it? if it's not your problem, you can let it go.  if it is your problem, you can do something about it.  the trick is in deciding what's my problem and what isn't, but it has gotten easier over time and with practice.

about your tears - i'm really glad for you that you're getting them out.  i used to cry at the drop of a hat, so very often, at tv, movies, commercials, good things, bad ones - especially anything that had to do with loving and caring about someone.  wow - it was so intense.  then i began digging for the root cause of those tears and figured out that i was grieving so much of what i hadn't gotten in my life.

when i was able to put a focus to my tears, the crying diminished.  sometimes i had to make myself out and out sob hysterically at certain things, but i noticed that the tears finally seemed to have a purpose.  that was the beginning of a major realization for me.  when there was a real, personal reason  behind my tears, they began to make sense.  and, when they made sense, they began to lessen.

i don't know if it's the same for you, but putting a focus to my tears helped a lot.  i hope you can find the way for you so that your tears will diminish sooner than later.  sending love and a hug filled with clarity and calm, sweetie.

San, thanks for sharing that. Often, I have no real idea of why I am crying. I know there is a reason but I can't access it. I think a part of it is in anticipation of being hurt. I will say things, arguably emotionally loaded things, but the tears are not because of the emotional thing, but because as I am saying it, I am regretting saying it. And afterwards I will tell myself I shouldn't have. That I was too intense again. That I am too much.

I have a feeling that a lot of my tears are half sadness and half anxiety at the thought of being hit for crying.

My dad used to scream at me "I'll give you a reason to cry". For a sensitive girl like myself, that repeated statement that he was going to hurt me, was enough damage in itself. Part of me wishes he had hit me, so I could use that fact as proof to myself. But fact is, he broke me down just by screaming at me. Screaming is emotionally violent enough to damage a sensitive child.

I cry because I'm afraid I'll get hit for making any noise. Any noise would set him off. I cry because I'm afraid I'll get told I have no right to my actions. I cry because the anxiety at doing something wrong keeps building up when I'm with people and it finds its way out of my body somehow. I cry because I am utterly unable to soothe myself.

I'm afraid of people. I'm on my way home. Tomorrow I'm not doing anything, except drinking tea and sitting under a blanket. Maybe one of my cats will sit in my lap

i heard that exact same sentence when i was young, and from my dad, too.  'stop your crying, or i'll give you something to cry about!'.  the other one was when i displeased him, i was so upset to have upset him that i'd begin crying almost immediately when he'd start telling me what i did wrong.  then his line was 'agh!  every time i try to talk to you, here come the waterworks!'.  since i knew my crying was upsetting him, i cried harder.

sweetie, all those reasons you have for crying speak to me as utter denigrations you experienced during your life, and the fact that you didn't get soothed, comforted, held, gathered in when you were in distress.  you were denied your right to cry for whatever reason.  i understand that one so well.  i was also mocked and humiliated for crying by my sister.  there's so much history of crying not being allowed, not being ok, and you're right - for sensitive people it can be not only traumatic, but devastating.

i hope you have a lovely tea day, blanket and cat warming you.  neither will put you down for crying.  love and hugs, anna.

Denigrations.. Yes... I have been bullied, abused, neglected. I was pointed to as the weird kid in primary school. Kids are horrible to each other. I was hit, kicked, spit on and yelled at. There was nowhere where I was safe. Not at home, not in school, not in the street.

It's the reason I am still afraid of people. I'm afraid of everyone's response. Will they yell at me? Will they, too, think I'm weird?

I was indeed a weird kid. And I'm a weird adult.

I've never learned to 'own' my weirdness. To enjoy it. I've only learned how to be an outcast. And I'm afraid that this is the self fulfilling prophecy that I always seem to invoke over myself. I work from the assumption that I'll be an outcast and I'll be anxious, crippled in my social interactions. I'm frustrated, fearful and I beat myself up over being me.

Not having a great day today.

On the other hand, part of me wants to own who I am very badly.

So what if I don't have a big social life?
So what if I spend most of my days at home?
So what if I dislike humanity fiercely?
So what?

So sue me. I'll do with my life what I damn well please and if I want to spend my days behind my computer, drinking tea with a cat in my lap, or maybe running a tiny distance twice a week, I will damn well do just that.

I'd like to have friends, but maintaining friendships is exhausting. I'd like to meet people, but they scare me.

Most of all I'd like to be happier. And I'm working on it.

So much anger is coming to the fore. It's part of the healing process.

If I was almighty for a day, everyone who ever bullied me had better stay the * away from me

I often don't have the words to describe what the first 20 years of my life were like.

What a mess. When I reach 80, that crap will still be a quarter of my life. *.

I will assume people will be hurt or offended by my actions. That makes me tense and it makes me more socially awkward. People will pick up on the tension and will get tense in turn.

I am capable of 'fixing' that by making a joke, giving a compliment or saying something positive, but then I'm in my child modus again, where I was the clown and savior at home, always there to lighten the mood. And then I get tense again....

:fallingbricks:


My mom used to dish out all sorts of well-intended positive messages. But she is incapable of making a connection. And her speeches always left me trampled. I hated them.

Having to be positive makes me tense.
Hearing myself dish out advice that makes me sound like my mother, makes me tense.

I am so * terrified of making a mistake. 'cause then I'll get yelled at. Or worse, people will SULK. Like my dad used to.

I am working through this now, finally, but it's really confronting to see how disabled I've become in something that should just be easy: Connecting with others.

Breast cancer scare!! Yay, my anxiety found something to freak out over again.

I'm not having a great day, but I'm trying to practice self-soothing.
The past couple of months, my husband and I noticed that my right boob gets bigger than the left one during PMS. In general, my boobs have gotten bigger.

Now, outside of PMS, we don't notice the difference at all. It's not until PMS where the right one swells up more. I can't even remember if my right one was always bigger than the left one or not.

My anxiety latched on to that today: Of course I have inflammatory breast cancer now!  :fallingbricks:
Google helped me a little bit: IBS symptoms are swelling of a single boob (yes), hot to the touch (no), dimples/ripples like an orange (no) and red color/inflamed appearance (no). Also, Google helped me confirm that PMS is a *.

Of course, I had an agreement with my doctor that I would check in with her in October. So I called today to make an appointment. And at that moment I thought the following: This is an anxiety attack. It's okay, take it easy. So I didn't freak out or mention it. I just called for my "check-up". Appointment is in 6 days on Thursday, because her schedule is full and on Tuesday she's available but I'm not. And then I thought to myself: On Thursday your period is over and you'll feel better and you can have that normal check-up and a normal conversation about your breast without the anxiety attack to go with it.

In that moment, I acknowledged:

• This is anxiety. Breathe. I went for a 30 minute walk after making the appointment. I feel a teensy bit better. I also sat down on the couch with a blanket. Trying to comfort myself.
• It's normal to discuss this symptom (swelling boob) with your doctor, so that's adult behavior right there.

I'm trying to calm myself down by being aware of the feelings. Also, I took an antihistamine. I don't think it did a lot, I took it 1,5 hours ago. Thenagain, I feel better than I did two hours ago.

PMS is a *  :pissed:

I am calming down a bit for real. I can think again.

I've been diagnosed with mastopathy twice in my twenties after breast cancer scares. I never thought much of it and interpreted it as the literal word it is: breastpain. But now that I'm Googling that:

Mastopathy is a diseases caused by hormonal imbalance in the breasts. It is characterized by unequal proliferation of connective tissue within breasts, forming little cysts and widening ducts. Usually, it occurs in both breasts, but the process may be unequal in both sides.

So there you have it. It's probably that.
I'm feeling a little bit better, I'm hoping this anxiety attack will diminish further.

I'm kinda proud of myself: I realized I was having an anxiey attack and I scheduled my check-up (which I honestly had been procastinating on for two weeks) without freaking out over the phone.

:cheer:

Usually antihistamine tablets start to work within 30 minutes after being taken, and tend to be most effective within 1-2 hours after being taken.

:)

It's morning. Anxiety again.
Same topic: right boob's bigger, I'm gonna die.

Or rather... I'm gonna suffer and not have any control over what happens to me..?

I feel helpless. Something about my body is weird and I'm bracing for impact.

PMS + CPTSD + physical symptom =  :fallingbricks:

I'm hanging in there. In three days at most, I'll feel better.

Later in the day. I'm feeling a bit better. I went for a run and I watched my favorite movie.
I've found some benign reasons for one boob being bigger/swelling more during PMS and I'm telling myself that the odds are very low that I'll have something really bad. And I'm feeling reassured that I can discuss it with my doctor.

And whew my cat has bad breath... She is sitting in my lap and just started washing herself. Wow... yuck, what a fishy smell, LOL!

I shouldn't Google.

I had a shingles outbreak on the 14th of September. Now I'm reading that if you have cancer, you can get shingles outbreaks. And that people can have shingles as symptom of undiagnosed cancer. I had the shingles on the right side of my back. And my right boob has grown. So my anxiety is now convinced I have breast cancer.

And my anxiety is shouting: And we lost weight!

But I changed my diet rigorously and I'm taking in wayy fewer calories. Of course I've lost weight! So shut up you stupid anxiety! :pissed:

Just got my period. In bed yesterday evening, I told my husband the anxiety will pass.

His response: "I know it'll pass, honey... It's harder on you."

It was so sympathetic, I cried. My husband's so sweet to me.

And he's right. In the middle of anxiety, I know nothing BUT that anxiety.

I did have a realization though: my anxiety is what Bessel van der Kolk calls "a firefighter". It's a state that is geared towards getting control of whatever situation can potentially become threatening. I can trace it back to the tension and hypervigilance when I was a kid. I'd be on the lookout to defuse the bomb.

As an adult, I've tried to appease my firefighter by 'solving' the threatening state. Every month I was convinced I was (unwanted) pregnant. I'd buy test after test and do many of them until I got my period. So I got my tubes tied.

And now every month my firefighter thinks up something worse. I'm thinking now: fearing a pregnancy wasn't that bad, should have stuck with that.

And now the fears have gotten bigger. I'm training my anxiety to come up with a new, plausible scenario.

And ultimately these fears are all about loss of control for me.

Quote
I did have a realization though: my anxiety is what Bessel van der Kolk calls "a firefighter". It's a state that is geared towards getting control of whatever situation can potentially become threatening. I can trace it back to the tension and hypervigilance when I was a kid. I'd be on the lookout to defuse the bomb.

I relate strongly to this. I hope you get some peace and quiet within soon, you deserve that.

Thank you.

I'm not there yet.
No appetite yesterday, this morning nausea. Rationally, I know it's from the anxiety. But it also feeds more into my anxiety.

I have therapy today. I hope my therapist can help sort me out again so that the anxiety can subside.

Okay, so a week or so has passed and I'm feeling reasonably normal again.
I still have my hypochondria of course.

Oddly enough, yesterday and today I'm feeling really really well. Physically and mentally.

Which of course makes me suspicious. My hypochondria goes "We *never* feel normal and good, something must be wrong!"   :doh:

I'm trying to enjoy how I'm feeling.

My hypochondria did make me buy a pregnancy test though... I've been having lower left abdominal cramps for the past week. Also, I haven't had an appetite for a week.

I'm chalking it up to the gluten-free diet for now.

i do hope you can enjoy feeling ok, if only for a little while.  i think it takes practice, sometimes, to let ourselves enjoy something 'good' in our lives.  we've gotten so used to the bad stuff for so long.

keep taking care of you as best you can, sweetie.  i hope whatever's going on is something benign.  love and hugs, anna.

I felt okay for a little while. But I'm not there yet. Lack of appetite since October 30. And it hasn't recovered yet. GP I visited on November 7th thought it could be a virus.

My left side is sore/sensitive. I've lost weight. My stool varies from loose to watery. And my anxiety is convinced it's colon cancer this time.

I've found a clinic that does ultrasounds without doctors referral. But can I go there knowing that this action to soothe my fears may actually reinforce my anxiety? I don't ever know if an ultrasound can catch colon cancer.

I said I'd wait it out over the weekend. I visited a dietician who told me I've lost weight because I'm not getting enough calories. My husband had a stomach bug a couple of weeks ago that bothered him for three weeks. Should I wait it out?

My anxiety says: If you don't check it, and it turns out malignant, then what? Isn't it better to check as soon as possible?

I should wait it out another few days at least. Give my body the chance to get rid of any stomach bugs I might have.

Trying to breathe and relax.

Bowel discomfort is migrating through my entire lower belly now.
I'm taking it easy and telling myself that feeling discomfort doesn't mean you have bad health.
Yes, I'm having abdominal discomfort, after three months of going on a weird diet and quitting that diet a week ago. No surprise, right!

I read this article a few days back: http://nothingworks.weebly.com/

I need to start NOT ACTING on my anxiety. To teach my body that we're not in danger.

I have nowhere to turn to.
My story is ... absurd. Everyone thought I was going mad. And they still think what I am telling them is psychosis. I cannot ask a therapist to help me process the trauma, because they don't believe it happened. It is horrific.

I can't even type it all down right now. I don't know how to tell the story. It's too long. It's too complicated. But I have to. To process it.
I was sterilized with Filshie clips in 2015. In beginning of 2018, I started having abdominal pain in the lower left side. And I was very, very tired. Extremely tired. My menstrual cycle got shorter. And less. Then I lost my appetite. Then I got nauseous. In january 2019 I had lost 30 pounds of weight. But through 2018 I had been going to the GP and had tried to self-diagnose too much. Mentioned everything from cancer to kidney failure. My GP and husband were exasperated with my anxiety. And then january 2019 rolled around and I couldn't breathe. I was choking. At night and by day. I was tired. No appetite, kept losing weight. And my abdomen hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Throughout 2018 my body had been telling me something was wrong with the sterilization clips. The thought kept coming back to me again and again. I managed to find a gynaecologist and tell her about my physcial problems. Tired. Abdominal pain. Menstrual cycle problems. Breathing problems. She, thank god, said "I can't promise it'll help you but I'm willing to remove the clips."

Two weeks before my scheduled surgery and I literally FEEL that it's a bacterial infection going through my belly. I had blood work done that showed signs of infection, but was brushed off by my GP. I was prescribed antidepressants. Which made me want to kill myself. Two weeks before surgery. Can't eat. Can't sleep. In so much pain. I then.. my stroke of miracle.. managed to illegally obtain antibiotics. And started taking them. I felt marginally better. The pain went away. The burning sensation went away. I could breathe again. Still no appetite and intensely tired. Couldn't get up from the couch. My husband was fed up with it and told me to stop imaging things.

Then I got a magic phonecall: The surgery could be scheduled a week earlier. YES!!

I had surgery. And it probably saved my life. But no infection was seen at the site. Probably because I had been taking antibiotics. Within days after surgery, I felt better. I have more energy. My pain is gone.

The story is absurd. I know. I know it sounds like I am psychotic. I cannot convince anyone that what happened really happened. Every action I have done was in panic. And yet, I saved myself. And now I cannot talk to anyone about it, to work through my emotions. I could have died.

Please don't respond if you are convinced this cannot possibly be a true story. This is my journal. Please respect it.
This was a horrific year.

Everything that my anxiety has been trying to tell me this year, has been: Something is really wrong with our body.
I have not felt anxious since my surgery. At all.

It's only today and yesterday that the force of what had happened hit me. I am, still, not anxious. I am shook up. I am angry. I am frustrated.

I cannot describe in words how ill I have been throughout january and february. And how horrible it was that nobody believed that I was physically severely ill.
I felt so alone.

My husband still does not believe me.
And this is the worst part of it all.
I cannot talk to the one person I wish to be able to talk to.
I want to tell him how frightened I have been. I want to tell him how ill I have been.
He, bless him, tried to help me with advice like dietary changes and other benign causes of why I was feeling the way I was feeling. But in january, I just knew. I just knew. It was an infection around the sterilization clip. Everything suddenly matched up. But by then, my anxiety and hypochondria had wrecked all trust between us.

I can't go back in time. I can't change anything.
Would it have been better if I hadn't taken antibiotics? But I was so underweight and so ill. I don't think the gynaecologist would have operated me had he seen me in that state. The antibiotics helped me get through that last week.
Would it have been better if I had done nothing at all and had let my body deteriorate to the point where they had no choice but to believe me? By this time, my GP had started about anorexia and psychiatric clinics etcetera. Even my husband believed it.
I would not have made it.
Everything I did in the end, was to save myself. And it worked. I am physically well again.

But now.. I could have died. And nobody believed me. And I in part caused this myself, by self-diagnosing. But had I not self-diagnosed, then I would not have determined that it was the sterilization clip. It's a double edged sword.

I can't go back in time to change anything. It is what it is.
I just need to process what happened. Work through my emotions.
Regardless of whether someone believes me. I believe me. I know what happened.
It was the most terrifying year of my life.

There is only one friend who believes me. But even he does not understand the extent that I was sick in that past week. If that surgery hadn't come sooner, if those antibiotics hadn't come in, I don't know if I would have made it. I don't think I would have made it, mentally.

I am dizzy now, just thinking about it.

The day before the antibiotics came in, I prayed. I haven't prayed in years. I actually got my name removed from the church register. But I prayed. I said, please, please let me get better. I'll go to church again. I promised myself I'd go to church again. And I've gone. The sunday after my surgery and the second sunday after that, I went to church. I don't know if I should be at *this* church. I don't know if it should be church per se. But I need to rediscover some spirituality. Some faith. Some belief, that something saved me. Some strength, that I can get through the emotional upheaval this has given me.

I need to get through the pain of not being believed. I need to get through the regret of panicking so much this year. I need to get through the regret of not listening to my body sooner. I have been doubting those surgical clips since january 2018. My subconscious was telling me. But I didn't listen. And now there is so much that is destroyed. So much of my trust in other people, that wasn't great to begin with.

And my file at the GP is littered with nothing but "anxiety disorder" and "hypochondria".
I have made a pact with myself. Apparently, after X years, you can get your medical file destroyed. I don't need to have everything destroyed, I'm okay with the diagnoses I have. But in 5 years time, I will walk into my GP's office, I will tell her that I have been pretty much anxiety free for five years and that I want to invoke my right to have parts of my file destroyed. This entire episode is going out.

I have one appointment with a pulmonologist upcoming. Because of the shortness of breath. But that has entirely disappeared.
And my husband is like "yeah but you'll freak out in a year or so about your breathing and then you wish you had this done".
But all I can see is that this appointment will result in yet another "nothing wrong physically" entry in my file. And a further confirmation for my GP that it's anxiety.
I think it's best that I pre-emptively call my GP and say "hey, my physical ailments have all disappeared, I think I'll cancel that appointment with the pulmonologist".

This is my coping strategy. Regain control.

God, life is difficult. And what rotten luck that this happened to me.

I expect I'll be cycling through emotions for days to come. And I'm okay with that.
On one level, I'm lucky that I don't have to work fulltime. I would certainly have lost way more weight in a short amount of time. And I have all the time I need at home to process this.
I have talked to two strangers in the street, who were walking their dog. And the exchange was pleasant.
It's the connection with my husband that is damaged so intensely. I don't need a stranger in the street to acknowledge what I've been through. I need someone closest to me to acknowledge it.

I am giving myself positive affirmations. And I am seeking positive affirmations around me. I have actually learned a lot these past years.

The universe must have a sense of humor.
For children of parents with autism there is the term "Cassandra phenomenon". Cassandra was a goddess with the gift of foresight, but the curse that nobody would believe her.
I already was a Cassandra child.
Now, I have experienced something that nobody believes.
Thenagain, it is mostly a case of Boy Who Shouts Wolf. I've been going to the doctor for my anxiety so much.. No wonder nobody believed.
If only the surgery had come a week earlier. Then, they would have seen with their own eyes.

I'm going to visit the one friend who believes me. To talk about my feelings. He said he didn't mind at all and that I was very welcome. I'm glad I talked to someone while I was sick about what I was really feeling.

* * * * * * aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghh
Why do have to deal with this *? Why can't life just leave me the * ALONE!?
I had enough * to deal with already, why did this have to happen to me?
It's been three months and I am still dealing with the aftermath of this *. I HATE it!
I am numb, because I can't be angry.
*(%^$*^#*&$^#(*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have not recovered yet. Medical PTSD on top of CPTSD. Trying to hang on to life. Some days I wish I had just died instead of fought for my life. I'm stuck with the aftetrmath, everyone else just goes on with their life.
Hospital complaints department said a year later "You might have made the right decision, buying antibiotics." They wouldn't say more, not available for comments. There are days I have lost all faith in a good life.

I am sorry you have not been believed. To not be believed is. . . horrible. . . can't think of a word that is strong enough. I'm sorry for all the pain you continue to experience.

Annoakoen,

I'm sorry you are hurting so terribly right now.  :hug: I hope you feel a bit better soon. It's great that you have your friend with whom you can talk to!

<3 Jazzy

 :hug:

It sounds really really hard.