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My partner and I have a very difficult relationship. I have given my partner chances after chances to try to regain a lot of the lost trust.
But this latest one is making me feel sick: my partner (according to my partner via many, many texts and a voice mail) contacted my psychologist and is taking my partner's side of the views of my PTSD and depression (in other words, it's my fault for everything). I have taken to the "flight" response when having to deal with my partner: often shutting down (tried to use the "not personal approach" to try to detach from the constant texting to give me a break -- didn't work), and physically removing myself from my partner's presence from the constant verbal abuse (my partner no longer physically hits me since being arrested).
My partner did this once before too, and contacted my case manager with the veterans to complain about me, stating I was extremely aggressive (I am not, like I said, I shut down or ask for room to bring down my anxieties) and was afraid I was going to be physically harmful towards my partner (my partner then spread that around through mutual friends).
I just wonder what other people have done when their partner crossed that line so many times... I still struggle with maintaining boundaries (I just learned about them and started applying healthy boundaries -- all which my partner crushed and broke; unfortunately, I didn't really fulfill my consequences :'( ).
It just feels like I had a few great steps and now I tumbled down the hill again and I have to start over.
hope this helps at least a little. https://youtu.be/KhW4g9urdXQ
By going behind your back to your T your partner is triangulating against you. https://youtu.be/6354-2hoJh0
Thank you for the links. I watched them and they are helpful.
I had my appointment with my psychologist today (thankfully). And was able to discuss some of these worries. Turns out my partner accused me of hitting her (not the first time I get accused of this). :(
One of the boundaries I was working with was to no longer have false accusations. I confronted my partner via text about it and my partner denies it all and made me to believe the psychologist was lying to me! My partner completely manipulated the conversation (making it seem like I'm not committed to our relationship, escaping answering directly to questions, and shifting blame or guilting me for not wanting to come home because of what she said -- I mean, is it not safer to stay away if I am constantly being accused of a violent temper?) and now I am getting completely different sides (one version: my psychologist/ the other version: my partners).
For the first time in a long time too, I cried to the point of not being able to speak. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard.
Any other suggestions and videos would help. I plan to go to the library and pick up books on PTSD to try to understand it better too.
I have ptsd too.
Can you leave?
It's hard to hear what you are experiencing in the hope of things improving. My experience tells me things will get worse, that you are vulnerable and don't deserve this.
I so much hope your experience is different, that you won't find yourself months or years down the track more broken and feeling there was no point in trying, and that this was meaningless suffering leading only to more meaningless suffering.
Do you have reason to believe things will improve?
I think it's important to know that your cPTSD is not causing your feelings of being betrayed, lied to and lack of trust, but it's the betrayal, the lies and the boundary busting that makes your partner not to be trusted.
It's not you, it's your partner.
I'm not a psychologists, but quite possibly that has contributed at least to your cPTSD.
Trust has to be earned. There is nothing wrong in not trusting a proven liar.
She has no business contacting your psychologists, and she has no business telling you what your psychologists has told her.
Quote from: Wanishin on June 13, 2016, 02:47:16 PM
my partner (according to my partner via many, many texts and a voice mail) contacted my psychologist and is taking my partner's side of the views of my PTSD and depression.
Have you checked this with your psychologist?
It is very unlikely your psychologist has said any of this.
Again, I'm not a mental health care professional, just a guy with cPTSD and experiences like this, and I think your partner is getting upset you are setting and keeping your boundaries, your therapy is working for you, and thus a threat to her: she's not getting away with her abusive behavior anymore. It is all in her interest in messing up your bond with your trusted (and trustworthy) therapist by trying to make you believe the therapist is on
her side, not yours.
Divide and conquer.
If the accusations of you being violent to your partner keep coming, get out. It seems it's a pattern for your partner. Domestic Violence is hard to prove, and as long as she keeps slinging this mud of false accusations to you, some of it will stick. Whether it's true or not. So unfair.
You already have a psychologist to help you, but possible this article still holds some valid points to discuss with your present T. It's not too clear from your post, but I get the impression it's your partner who is being violent physically abusive ("my partner no longer physically hits me since being arrested"). How to Find a Good Therapist If You Are Involved with an Abusive Woman (https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/how-to-find-a-good-therapist-if-you-are-involved-with-an-emotionally-abusive-woman/).
There are some more articles on that site on how false accusations of Domestic Violence can really screw up your 'fortunes' when it's actually the women who is perpetrating the DV, and accuses her partner of it.
Take care, and just know: you don't have to put up with any form of abuse.
Easier said than done, I know, I put with it for decades. And am, like you, in the process of learning this.
:hug:
Quote from: radical on June 14, 2016, 03:25:19 AM
Can you leave?
Yes, I was kicked out of the house a few weeks ago because of my PTSD. I found a small apartment, but now I get a lot of guilt for not coming over to visit or stay over. According to my psychologist, I am considered vulnerable.
Dutch Uncle: thank you for the article, I will take a read. And yes, I believe my partner is a form of trigger (so to speak): I get elevated anxieties when I must interact with her or be around her.
Quote from: Wanishin on June 14, 2016, 11:39:46 AM
Yes, I was kicked out of the house a few weeks ago because of my PTSD. I found a small apartment, but now I get a lot of guilt for not coming over to visit or stay over. According to my psychologist, I am considered vulnerable.
Does "to get a lot of guild" means she is guilt-tripping you? Like: "I kick you out, but I expect you to come visit me and stay over"?
Or are you guilting yourself?
Either way: you were kicked out, so stay out. I don't know on what kind of arrangement you were living together, but make sure you get what is rightfully and/or legally yours.
What does your psychologist means by you being "considered vulnerable"? Yeah, of course you are vulnerable. Anybody who is forced out of their home is vulnerable. Anybody who is in an abusive relationship is vulnerable: because they are in contact with an (un)predictable abuser!
Sorry, but I'm getting angry on your behalf. I might be wrong.
Let me tell you this: you are less vulnerable than you may think, or they may make you want to believe. You found your own apartment and are now holding your own ground. Yes, your abusive partner is a threat to your wellbeing. Both physical and emotional and psychological. But you're out now, you can bolt and lock your door and if she tries anything crazy you can call the cops. The vulnerability is not something inherent in you, it's because of an external threat.
This psych should have
your back. You should probably
ask tell her you want him/her to cut all contact with your girlfriend/wife. The two of you are separated at the moment. It's not like the two of you are in counseling together, are you? Or am I getting this wrong?
(S)He's your counselor, and yours only. I think you need to claim her for yourself. You have every right to do so.
Take good care of you, as you already do. :thumbup:
:hug:
I feel more like my partner attempts to guilt me. I do battle my own guilt, even when I know I didn't do anything wrong -- sometimes I just feel guilty because I'm doing something for me instead.
I did grab most of my stuff. I honestly didn't have much. My partner took over the house with her all of her belongings and all of mine were stored. When I asked for a small area to workout, I was shamed for asking a place where *her* computer had to go. In the end, while we were still living together, and I was still in service, and in a method to get rid of paying excessive amounts of extras (such as storage units -- yes plural... I was paying for storage units for her belongings). I donated my stuff to an abused women's shelter. I don't regret doing that, to be honest with anyone reading this. And the apartment I am in, I was very fortunate that the landlady was able to furnish me a bed and small table.
What I meant by considered vulnerable is he put it down in his assessment. I am currently suffering from PTSD in conjunction with Major Depression and he wrote down that this makes me a vulnerable person.
Thank you very much for your kind support. I didn't mean to get you upset on my behalf. I am on the baby steps of recovery after years of damage. It's like a small light just appeared and I am realize after all this time, oh wait... I've been hurt for so long, but it doesn't have to continue.
I must say, this time around, I am holding my ground to not come over to visit my partner (for a first). It's difficult, because I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't (and it brings me to tears and that gets me upset!). But, deep inside of me, I know this is the right path to take.
Quote from: Wanishin on June 14, 2016, 03:31:49 PM
I didn't mean to get you upset on my behalf.
Me being upset is OK. I just wanted you to know I react(ed) emotionally to your post, and my reaction reflects it.
If you feel different about it than I do, then that's what matters. I do not want to tread on your experiences.
QuoteI feel more like my partner attempts to guilt me. I do battle my own guilt, even when I know I didn't do anything wrong -- sometimes I just feel guilty because I'm doing something for me instead.
Yeah, I can relate.
Any guilt-tripping on the part of your partner you may let slide, IMHO. Feeling guilt over you doing something for yourself is part of the recovery process in my experience. You don't have to feel guilty about that, but I know the feeling all to well.
QuoteI must say, this time around, I am holding my ground to not come over to visit my partner (for a first). It's difficult, because I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't (and it brings me to tears and that gets me upset!). But, deep inside of me, I know this is the right path to take.
:thumbup:
QuoteWhat I meant by considered vulnerable is he put it down in his assessment. I am currently suffering from PTSD in conjunction with Major Depression and he wrote down that this makes me a vulnerable person.
I see. Take care, as you already do. :hug:
Heed The Warnings of Taking a Narcissist Back
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B58Twc6i_0M
Stop Seeking Nurture from the Betrayal Source
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyZ5a4zAxps
Pain After No Contact
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kj4eHyyicGc
'Vulnerable' and 'weak' are two different things. A vulnerable person can be very strong. 'Vulnerable' is about factors external to character.
I am not sure if part of my assessment, the following was meant by vulnerable:
A vulnerable adult is unable, rather than unwilling, to properly learn or properly maintain these skills, and is usually completely without, and unable to obtain, any family, friends, acquaintances or other assistive persons in their lives to offer education or assistance in these areas (see: abandonment). To be classed as vulnerable, the adult's circumstances must be unable to be altered or improved by the adult's own individual actions without direct assistance from a more typical adult. The vulnerable adult must also be shown to be, on some significant level, a risk to him or her self if assistance is not provided.
I agree there is a difference between weakness and vulnerable. Mind you, I will admit I have my moments of weakness.
Quote from: Wanishin on June 14, 2016, 11:53:38 PM
A vulnerable adult is unable, rather than unwilling, to properly learn or properly maintain these skills, and is usually completely without, and unable to obtain, any family, friends, acquaintances or other assistive persons in their lives to offer education or assistance in these areas (see: abandonment). To be classed as vulnerable, the adult's circumstances must be unable to be altered or improved by the adult's own individual actions without direct assistance from a more typical adult. The vulnerable adult must also be shown to be, on some significant level, a risk to him or her self if assistance is not provided.
That's a nice definition of vulnerable. :thumbup:
It's nothing like the dictionary definition.
Is this some kind of criteria in the armed services or public service in the US, a bit like how the word "special" has taken on a different meaning in eduation in my country?
More importantly, I'm so glad you are out of there. Abuse on top of trauma is so damaging and retraumatising. The abuser can also use the fact that you have ptsd against you when you try to stand up for yourself, which is even more vicious.
I know how tough it is. Somehow being safe can allow the pain to rise to the surface and it can feel like things are getting worse rather than better. You are not alone. Be really kind to yourself. Warm wishes coming to you from across the Pacific Ocean!
I want to say how grateful I am for all the replies and the youtube video links.
My partner is now saying it is "our fault" and even though I have expressed limited contact, my partner now comes up with the idea of limiting contact so that my partner can take time to heal from all this hurt. When I didn't respond, my partner finally added "and to be a better wife".
I still haven't responded. This is where I feel the most guilt. I get that feeling where my partner is trying and is going to be loving; but, then I fearful of the unpredictable nature afterwards. Fortunately, seeing some of these videos helped me -- help me confirm something I have been telling myself already: why go back when it will just be worse.
But it's tough. I'll admit to it right here and now. Easy to say I'm not doing it, but difficult to stay true (which I am!).
Well... I finally broke it off with my partner. After so much, I couldn't find it in me to come back to her.
I am pretty sad. As I expressed to my psychologist, I had fantasized what it should have been (maybe that was unfair of me -- but I dreamed of happiness and caring, each able to do what we wanted, and to grow together as one).
The hot and cold temperament of my partner was too much (hates me, loves me, hates me, loves me).
And, the worst was my partner's reply: "I am so relieved," when I told my partner I could not see how our relationship could amend.
I am sorry, but I am using this as a way to write down my feelings. I don't have many friends and I feel guilty putting this kind of burden on them.
:hug:
So sorry you are feeling such pain.
We are here for you
I'm sorry for your loss, Wanishin. Breaking up is always so hard and painful. It is saying goodbye to something, and somebody you wanted.
A big :hug: to you.
Dutch.
Ugh, breaking up is hard. We are here for you! :hug:
Be kind to yourself as you go through this period of mourning a relationship that never really was. Go outside, get some air, walk around, listen to music that makes you feel good. If you are able to travel, go somewhere or visit some long lost relative. I really want to go hike my favorite part of the Appalachian Trail again, maybe take off my shoes and dangle my feet in the Delaware and let the small fry tickle my toes. There's a glacial pond high up along the trail that has craw-daddies the color of the most brilliant blue sky. I don't know how anyone could kill and eat something so beautiful, but then I'm a vegetarian. It's all my mother's fault. She's the one who took me to see Bambi. She also took me to the county fair where I saw little baby chicks hatch out of eggs. How could she imagine I would ever eat eggs again after that? https://youtu.be/syR_NinJ2B0 https://youtu.be/i33ufGKY3pg https://youtu.be/HLrVRrDFjNQ
Quote from: Danaus plexippus on June 23, 2016, 12:22:49 PM
She also took me to the county fair where I saw little baby chicks hatch out of eggs. How could she imagine I would ever eat eggs again after that?
The eggs you eat are not fertilized, Danaus. They will not hatch chicks. They will just go bad.
I was only three years old at the time and my mother decided she was not going to explain about the birds and the bees to a three year old. As time passed I decided I didn't even like eggs anyway and then there's PETA, traumatizing the * out of anybody willing to watch their videos.
Quote from: Danaus plexippus on June 23, 2016, 02:46:40 PM
I was only three years old at the time and my mother decided she was not going to explain about the birds and the bees to a three year old. As time passed I decided I didn't even like eggs anyway and then there's PETA, traumatizing the * out of anybody willing to watch their videos.
I'm sorry your mom treated you as bad as she did.
And yeah, PETA do their very best on traumatizing people. While I care for animal wellbeing in the food industry, and a lot can still be improved on it, I don't like the 'traumatizing' part of their quest.
But to each their own.
NB: in the Dutch parliament there is actually a "Party for the Animals" who, you guessed it, has as one of their major objectives standing up for animal rights. They are always one of my options to vote for. Yet I'm a 'swing-voter'. I decide every election anew which party gets my vote.
With that I'll leave the thread back to topic.
Wow! A political party for the animals. God, we here in the US are such a backward country!
Thank you for the links, and the many of you showing me great support.
I am feeling a bit better; even though, my partner went from relieve to now displacing this separation as entirely my fault and claiming I am being mean by minimizing my contact and decided she will not quit the relationship because she doesn't believe in that. :blink: I find I am emotionally drained: going from relieved to claiming I live for drama and seek out negative attention because it's all I grew up in.
Some days, I wish I could show these texts to other people to just make sure I'm not losing it -- I find my partner has an excellent way to have me doubt if I am being mean or being harsh, and often I start to think that way and then feel extremely guilty for wanting something better; not just for me, but if she really believes this is how I am, for her too. How can someone love another person if they keep berating them? Or claim that I am violent and have an extreme temper? Or say to others she is fearful of me because of my PTSD and that I could snap at any time?
I just don't get it.
She's done this before and she knows your predictable guilt reaction to her BS. The next time she maligns you say "That's right I'm NOT good enough for you, You deserve better. I hereby set you free. Go, achieve all the happiness you rightfully deserve. That's all I've ever wanted for you." She will be momentarily speechless, (enjoy the nanosecond of peace and quiet) but will fire back with denials of every argument she just made against you. Stand firm, do not be deceived into false hope. Insist "No, you were right the first time. You deserve way better than me. Go, Be free! I insist." Smile when you say it. Stand tall, shoulder back, chest out, head held high. This is your declaration of independence.
Don't worry about your attraction to drama. You are a self aware human being. You have the power to stop blindly rushing down that path. Try volunteering at a veterans center or a homeless shelter to fill your need for drama and make the world a better place in which to live at the same time.
Quote from: Wanishin on June 24, 2016, 01:10:22 PM
I find my partner has an excellent way to have me doubt if I am being mean or being harsh, and often I start to think that way and then feel extremely guilty for wanting something better....
Sounds like gaslighting to me! I just watched that old movie not long ago, with Ingrid Bergman. Good stuff. That tactic has been around for a while, your partner didn't invent it ;)
Oh, I have always been quiet. When she blames me for drama, I believe it is a way to blame me for all the wrongdoings.
As example, before I met my partner, I knew my neighbours (in military housing) respectfully by name only. When my partner moved in, she quickly befriended a number of them (and nothing wrong with that!), but suddenly was always in a dispute against one or the other. I found I had become a peacemaker. One fallout was so bad, it lead my partner to numerous calls to military police against everything that they did that was perceived wrong. I kept insisting to drop the matter and let them be; a friend wouldn't do that, and if my partner felt the need to call the military police, then they are not her friends. She wouldn't drop the issue. Eventually, it led to a severe confrontation in the common yard and I quickly step between my partner and the neighbour and brought my partner home. (I suffered for doing that the next day, my partner claiming I had slept with the neighbour and that was why I was "protecting" her.)
Anyway, on one call to the military police against the neighbour, the neighbour must have had enough and told military police that my partner often punched my in a drunken state. Well... I told the military police nothing happened when they asked me, but my partner flipped out. She forced me to call the military police and give them heck for asking such a question (I remember this well, because my partner was right beside me, coaching me and threaten to leave if I didn't take this stand).
During one of my partner's more aggressive outbursts, I left for a few days. Actually drove to my parents house (had no where else I could really go) -- about 350 miles away. That's when I (eventually) learned my partner called the military police and claimed I was beating her.
When I got back, everything was fine. But the military police were insisting on talking to me. I told my partner I would go and talk to them. When I went, they the military police told me not to worry about it. A few days later, I was arrested in my own home for domestic violence. I was already suffering from PTSD then. That same night, the military police let me go and arrested my partner.
I had an excellent doc while in service. I wasn't one to cause drama -- I did stand up for the rights of my soldiers though, even through the Chain of Command -- because I believe that hard work and perseverance should always be rewarded.
I do volunteer my time and I *try* to go do all my physical activities. I say try because a lot of times I get too much anxiety and decide to forget it. Sometimes I plan not to do something in the future today! Which isn't great, I know.
:hug: to you, Wanishin...
Quote from: Wanishin on June 24, 2016, 01:10:22 PM
I am feeling a bit better; even though, my partner went from relieve to now displacing this separation as entirely my fault and claiming I am being mean by minimizing my contact and decided she will not quit the relationship because she doesn't believe in that. :blink: I find I am emotionally drained: going from relieved to claiming I live for drama and seek out negative attention because it's all I grew up in.
Oh dear... it's only since I myself am starting to see these patterns (in my own life), but if I may summaries what you have posted in this thread:
- she kicked you out of the house.
- after a while you (rightfully) thought: "Well, that's it. I'm done."
- She then says: "Thank heavens you're done."
- The day after she says: "I don't belief in break-ups."
She's the loony here, Wanishin, not you.
QuoteSome days, I wish I could show these texts to other people to just make sure I'm not losing it -- I find my partner has an excellent way to have me doubt if I am being mean or being harsh, and often I start to think that way and then feel extremely guilty for wanting something better; not just for me, but if she really believes this is how I am, for her too. How can someone love another person if they keep berating them? Or claim that I am violent and have an extreme temper? Or say to others she is fearful of me because of my PTSD and that I could snap at any time?
I just don't get it.
She's nuts. There's no other way to say it. There's nothing 'to get', she flip-flops just for the flip-flopping itself. It's a tool, however deranged it is.
You are not loosing it, she is. She has lost it long ago probably. You are the one who's NOT loosing it.
She doesn't love you, sorry.
This is
not your cPTSD, this is what one gets cPTSD from.
Hang in there. We'll be here for you.
And do read this thread again sometimes. You
have written it down. For anybody, including you, to see.
Again and again.
A really BIG :hug: to you.
Hang in there, Wanishin.
Don't let yourself be dragged back into this nightmare.
Danaus has given a great example of how to deal in a non-confrontational way. Use the stuck record technique: "You have told me how unhappy you are for such a long time. It makes me sad. I've tried and tried, but I can't make you happy and I know that I need to let you go so you find someone who can. That person will never be me."
I have a dBPD friend who caused me major distresss and problems for decades. I couldn't get away.
When I arrived home from a really difficult time after my father died, I found she had sent me an abusive email which included her saying she didn't feel safe with me and that she would no longer be my "confidant". It was total bulls*^t, but I grabbed it with both hands!
She tried to drag me back in but I stayed firm. I wished her well as kindly as I knew how. I said I was unable to be the friend she needs. I stuck to it, through all the hoovering and tears. I'm so relieved to finally be free and the harm she caused in my life has only become more clear over time. I don't hate her. I do feel sad for her.
I can't compare this with your situation except that you need to get away from this mess. It will hurt more if you let it continue because this will not get better. You didn't cause her problems, you can't cure them and you can't control the situation. But you can get out and be as decent and non-confronational about it as humanly possible. I know you don't wish her harm, but you can't help her. You owe it to yourself to save yourself. You are the only person you can save here and you so deserve it.
I know it will hurt like *, but it will ease with time. Once you are free of your feelings for her you can finally start healing your own wounds. One day you'll look back and be so glad.