Part 3 of the original thread "Today I feel ....."
My body hurts. I find myself in an armored full-body clench complete with clenched jaws.
So appreciative to have one other care about what has been happening- what she observed of narc X and his new misses.
Triggered to anger...resarching my eye condition for benefits forms. All the things my parents blamed me for and that they thought was a personal fault of my own, are due to my vision problem, only i didnt know this until doing in depth research.
If I'm clumsy or dont do well in a crowd, its due to my vision problem- not me being ditzy, or clumsy.
I believe everything comes to you in life that should, to help you learn.
Aw Three Roses, Im sorry to hear that. I really am.
I know what its like to have a sore body, as mine has been like this for months, and continues to be.
Sounds like your body needs some love and care, and healing. Easier said than done i know.
I hope you can find some relief ...somehow. :hug:
Frightened .. The inner child is trembling ... And then I remember to tell her it's ok and I am taking care of her ...
Whatever happens around me I Am ok ....
I am so glad to know I can ancor to myself and not listen too much to the inner critic -
I do wish I wasn't where I am in my life but wishing it away is not grown up -
I grown now -- or am I ?
Hey Boatsetsailrose
I'm right here with you. I wish I could give you a hug. :hug:
So great that you remembered to tell your inner child that you are here for her.
it sounds to me as though you are feeling her pain, her fear, and having to remind yourself and get, that you are safe on the preasent. It sounds like she doesn't feel safe. Are you able to sit with her and feel what she is feeling some more? Are you able to listen to what she may be trying to tell you?
I know it's frightening and I know it's hard.
Good for you for not listening to that inner critic of yours.
You may be grown up, but maybe not in the way most are -if you missed certain developmental milestones due to trauma.
It's ok to not feel grown up or capable at times or like an adult. It sounds like you are feeling your inner child's feelings.
I wish I could offer you and her comfort. (I know what it's like to feel like this).
I bet you have an inner fighter that can get you through even if you are not feeling her at the moment. I hope you can listen to her, scary I know, and cuddle her and just be with her.
I do hope you will be feeling ok soon. Big hugs to you both :hug:
Thank you sienna for your lovely reply ...
When I listen to her she is screaming .... In terror
No worries Boatsrtsailrose.
They sounds awful/ hearing Abd feeling her screaming, I'm so sorry you are going through this trauma stuff - I'm so sorry that you are feeling so terrified.
I do t know what to say to make it better. I don't think I am the right person to know what will make her feel better. You might not know, but I think that eventually you will and I believe you are the best person for the job.
Can you work out what she is screaming about?
If it's too much- are you abke to self soothe if you haven't tried this yet? Or can got at least distract?
I say this because during these times I can't self soothe.
And sometimes it is overwhelming that you might need to distract (for now) the eventual aim is go feel.
I get frustrated listening up my inner child because she tells me stuff, about how she feels, what she is afraid of, and at the moment, it feels that there is nothing I can do about it.
I do think that just listening to her is what is needed.
Feeling these feelings that have been trapped inside for so long, as that energy, thors feelings- they need somewhere to go. And feeling them up through your body, lets them out and we may have to feel the same thing over and over.
I just realised that you might not want advice, and I just went off on a tangent writing do I'm sorry about that,
Feel free to write out what is happening on here if you need to not be alone right now. And if you think it lift calm her as well as yourself.
You are doing amazingly to be dealing with her terror.
Here for you :hug:
Hey Boatsetsailrose,
How are you today? Did you manage to sleep at all? (it was night time in the UK when i messaged you)
Thinking of you :bighug:
Boatsetsailrose,
Im so sorry if i tried to much to *fix* what was happening for you.
I had this huge desire to help you as i know what its like to be alone with this really difficult stuff.
So I'm sorry if you felt that I didnt meet you where you were at and accept that.
I hope you are alright.
Worried, - know one can help me word my PiP form.
Shame and guilt, which makes me cry, when on the phone to some woman asking for help, when she asked me about my visual impairment, and if I'm registered blind.
There is so much shame and guilt surrounding this for me.
I want to shrivel up into myself and disappear, when asked questions about it, as i cant talk about this VI issue with anyone.
im so worried ill have to fill this in myself, and ive done it before and not gotten the right amount i should be on (Pip is for life), so if i fill it in myself, i might do it wrong again and i cant afford to because, as I'm not working, this is the only way i will be able to get my self a place to live.
Upset. Huge revelations today. It's good and bad so I'm conflicted.
That sounds huge Three Roses and very hard.
I hope you are managing ok. Take care of yourself. :hug:
Angry. Realising the problems i have now are due to the parenting i received.
I need to listen to this and outlet it all, but i have no place to outlet.
Confused, a little sad, and concerned.
Confused about another...sad and concerned that i responded wrongly today and that may have resulted in this dude feeling invalidated.
I didnt mean to invalidate, i just did the best i could at the time, but i shouldnt assume that he feels how i would feel, or that he would want to hear eactlu what i would have wanted someone else to say.
I even gave it a lot of thought before i opened my mouth...
I don't know how to be validating- someitmes- but not all the time, as i never learned how!
I cant even think of what i would want someone to say to me in that situation...as maybe ive just never had the right, supportive responses to stuff that is happening in the present day- before i write on the forum or instead of- i mean, at the time that it happens.
this dude has been inconsistent with me so then why am i bothered?
And then i think...that that i cant ever let him know what I'm thinking, or how much i regret today, because i just cant show it. Its like I'm stone around everyone and they would never even guess at how i really feel.
Reflective
Trigger warning
* ANGRY and *OFF with the world!
This has been doing on for a while and i can do anything about it as i can't out let it.
All it took was for a rude bus driver who hated the fact that i asked him how much the fare was.
Im sick of the lack of understanding and others thinking I'm just being awkward or stupid.
This is the way my mother treated me and the way i responded to my partner ... I'm a bad person too.
i cant deal with this absolute rage. The very reason why pills or alcohol is what i feel i need at the moment as i can't express this stuff for where I'm living and other people being about.
I hate this world and i hate living in it.
I have know one at all to even tell this to. Even more reason to stuff my feelings.
Let it out, sienna! It's got to come out. I think about you frequently and wonder how you are - even tho we've never met, you have me/us here at the forum!
Three Roses,
Thank you for being so supportive and kind and for being here. Im glad i logged into the forum today.
I can't believe that. It means a lot that you wonder how I am.
Do you have any idea how i can express this anger when i cant yell or scream or hit or throw things where i am living?
How are doing you three Roses? :hug:
Today I feel - energetic and hopeful. :)
Punching a pillow used to really help me - it doesn't make a noise and I used to knee on the bed and punch ...
Also finding an open space
Away from people and yelling ...
There are workshops around that let free expression come out too
Today I feel irritable - people are getting right on my nerves ...
Time alone now which is great - I love time alone :)
I meant to reply to you Three Roses.
Today I feel - energetic and hopeful. :)
I was very happy to read that. I don't know if you are still in that mood state, but yes...i was glad to read that. :hug:
Boatsetsailrose, thank you!
I was thinking of punching my bed / pillows. I have to yell and scream when i release rage and i cant yell here, but maybe hitting my bed is better than nothing.
Workshops umm...not sure I'm ready for doing it around others yet...though i wish i had someone to rant to a lot.
I wanted an open space. the closest place - the park, is open, but not free of people. i hope to find one one day.
Seriously, thank you for your ideas.
Some days it feels like everything is wrong.
Triggered, uncomfortable inside.
Everything feels unsafe. Everyone feels unsafe.
The environment and circumstances today is triggering.
I'm afraid of others.
And scared of coming events and that I'll run out of coping mechanisms due to lack of money.
:hug: :hug: With you, Sienna.
Thank you Three Roses. I hope your well... :hug: :hug:
...feeling (if I know what feelings are yet)...
...broken, alone, friendless, tired...so...sadly, my 'normal' self. The hope star seems ever fading further onto the horizon. Therapy helps, but it's also all I have to grab onto. Support system? What's that? Like everything...it's passed me by...and I'm reduced to dreaming about anyone who'd care for a broken soul anyway--possessing only a brilliant mask of 'I'm fine'. I only had a couple true friends as it was, and they've left whatever this world is; increasingly it seems like even this world is beyond anything I can relate to. Despair is such a long, endless road.
Oh woods gnome... :hug: :hug:
I know you may feel incredibly alone right now...and all i can do is offer my support online which sucks...but you are not alone in how you feel, or in being the only one in this world who feels exactly like you do.
I know what it is like to feel all of the things you have listed. To experience every day, all of the things you have listed. To not have a support system.
Its such a shame that for some of us, life goes this way. And i hope one day it will be better , but i know that that hope, if you have any, isn't enough to solve how you are feeling now.
Im here dutch, over the net...and we are your support system for now. My words are so trite, I'm sorry :hug: :hug:
Sienna, this means a lot, especially coming from you. :hug:
These emotional lows come and go, but its staying power seems stronger than either, and it wears one down...that's where I've arrived, and it feels regressive even if it might not actually be so. What an oddity--wanting to feel more alive and yet, this is what I do feel. Go figure. My emotional hurt doesn't match my rational inclination to realize that yes, it's all part of being vulnerable; but it still seems full of more pain, too. Or is it too much to expect some relief at least some of the time?
Thanks for the support--sometimes I get the feeling that some see there's a post from 'woodsgnome' and assume it'll be wordy, full of questions instead of answers, wondering instead of knowing, and out-of-the-box :spooked:. It's true; I tend to do that, I think, and it probably contributes to my feeling misunderstood. My ultra-sensitivity runs amok threatening to heap the inner critic's viewpoint onto the pileup of emotions. :fallingbricks: It's all so confusing...yet supposedly 'good'? :aaauuugh: :stars:
Thanks again!!! :hug:
I know Woodsgnome, if this is what you mean-
you are going along doing this *recovery stuff*, becoming more *aware* of things, and then you suddenly wonder- what am I doing??
This doesnt feel good!
And what a perfect metaphor for what it might have been like back then- trying to stay out of the way and avoid the human *inner critic/s*
I know that others feel that way about their posts too. I understand totally, and spend ages recently, editing and worrying about what ive written! ahh!
As far as I'm concerned, i don't think you have anything to worry about regarding your posts :hug:
Hurt. Alone. Sad. But am faking it :fallingbricks:
:hug: :hug: Joyful.
Thank you Sienna :hug: it really means a lot.
Angry.
Ever felt like you are doing things twice or more work than everyone else around you to do the right thing but when you need help you don't seem to be able to get it? Sometimes I feel like we need to literaly be dying to get someone to realize we need help!
Dowonderer, :hug: :hug:
Im sorry for your pain. I want you to know that i understand what you are saying.
I don't know if its any comfort, but i understand. I have no other words.
You have every right to feel your anger. :hug:
Scared. Scared of everything and everyone.
This intensified state has been like this for a while now. I just want to rest. I want to run away to a safe home and just rest and hide.
Im sad and angry that others are so..horrible when i really don't think i have done anything wrong. And they get angry when i put up a healthy boundary when unfair behaviour is happening to me.
Why do people want to just hurt me so much?
I know its his problem, not mine.
Life just feels so hard and so scary and i feel ill explode into pieces any second. Its hard trying to hold it together.
I know that feeling too Sienna. The intense fear and dealing with others anger over me trying to set boundaries. I don't really have any comfort other than just I know how you're feeling. :hug: hang in there (which I know doesn't mean much...) :hug:
Joyful, it was majorly comforting to read what you wrote, knowing that I'm not alone. That was the most comforting thing i could have received. Thank you. And i hope you keep hanging in there too. :hug:
I'm glad that it helped. :)
today i feel a little stronger.
Sanmagic, :hug:
Hope your ok. If not, that's ok too. Just.. :hug:
You have been through so much
Lonely. Craving the connection I fear so much and hate myself for.
Hate coming back to an empty room. Hate the "party" ending.
Know that I can't accept what may be available for it may not be real, is not what I really want and I may just get hurt again.
I just want to be loved and held and for someone to hear of my silent pain and to stay with me through the loneliness and emptiness. This is that other part of me talking-the counter dependet me is ashamed, fearful for good reason, and just won't allow it.
thanks, sienna. big hug to you.
Quote from: Sienna on October 29, 2016, 10:25:46 PM
I just want to be loved and held and for someone to hear of my silent pain and to stay with me through the loneliness and emptiness.
That is exactly what I'm feeling. No one understands or even really wants to listen to the messy side of me.... they don't get how much pain I'm in and I don't even know how to describe it. I just ache. I just want to go far away to a place where I don't hurt constantly.
Joyful, that sounds awful.
QuoteThat is exactly what I'm feeling. No one understands or even really wants to listen to the messy side of me.... they don't get how much pain I'm in and I don't even know how to describe it. I just ache. I just want to go far away to a place where I don't hurt constantly.
Im so sorry your in so much pain.
It sucks that people cant handle that part of you, and it must be awful when the pain wont stop.
I have heard it before as being described like an ache. Perhaps thats your child inside not having words for his/her pain. I know what it feels like to me, when i want the pain to stop, though its not constant and i don't think i fully feel it yet...but ..here with you.
Huge :hug: :hug:
ps. and thank you - other people. The pain subsided pretty quickly and thankfully i don't feel it that much. I hope it stays that way.
i don't think most people know what to do when someone is in emotional pain. they can't put a band-aid on it, can't fix it, feel helpless and frustrated, don't like those feelings, so they avoid it as much as possible. just my take on it. only people who have experienced it know what it means, know that an ear and possibly a shoulder are what's needed most of the time. a hug, someone who will just gather us in like we weren't gathered in and comforted and soothed as children.
my earth mother self would gather in everyone in pain if it were possible. glad to hear yours has subsided for a bit, sienna. i hope you can enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
I'm sorry for posting on this thread so much...
Last night I got hit with some intense sadness, I don't know yet what caused it. And of course my first reaction us to ignore it and just forget the pain I'm actually in. This morning it's lingering plus chills and body aches and pounding head. I just want to crawl back in bed. I just feel heavy.
no apologies necessary, joyful. that's why it's here.
you're not getting sick, are you? chills and body aches? i hope not.
would that i could wrap you up in a snuggly warm blankie and make everything bad go away.
Thanks sanmagic.
:hug: :hug:
Today I feel anxious, scared, and isolated.
I didn't take my Lexapro or brush my teeth last night, so my mind is beating myself up over that, my self-abandonment turning into self-loathing.
All my friends are either busy with school or at an indie music festival I really wanted to go to but couldn't afford, so even if I felt like reaching out to others I currently can't talk to them.
Also, I'll avoid getting too political but I'm kinda terrified about this week's election.
I already voted and campaigned for my candidate of choice, but knowing that so much of the country is rooting for a certain reality-TV host whose platform promotes prejudice against gay people and Mexican-Americans (two groups I belong to) is terrifying.
It's launched me into the mental trap where I feel like everyone's "out to get me", even though rationally it's not the case.
My guess is it's partially a holdover from childhood trauma where my dad and so many of my classmates resented me.
I feel fragile even on my best, most serene days, so being reminded that it's still dangerous for me to exist hurts.
today i feel sad that i let go of a longtime friend.
today i feel glad that i let go of a longtime friend(?)
today i feel more whole and clear about myself than i have in a long time.
today i feel hope that i will continue to heal, both physically and emotionally.
today i feel surrounded by love. that's surprising! but i can really feel it. hallelujah!
like i'm about to drown in my sadness if i'd let myself.
so much pain. so much confusion. :'(
let down
not good.
Abandoned. Today I feel small, like I've been left. Which I have but this is inner child stuff x
I feel as though my loneliness can be as much a friend as it has been a problem in the past...
I feel less sorry for myself for not having much family....
I feel grateful for healing, and for a growing ability to learn self compassion.
:fallingbricks:
Overwhelming feelings of impending doom. :'(
That's the hardest.
I wish I could sit with you, if you wanted company. It wouldn't take it away, I know, but you could say it out loud and be heard.
:hug:
today i feel like i'm disappearing from the inside out. my body is crumbling, i feel like i'm dying.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so rough! I wish I could do something tangible for you but here's a cyber hug. :hug:
I'm thinking of you (and everyone here) throughout my day. Sending positive thoughts your way!
Sad and angry and frustrated.
Sad that I got drawn into the FOO drama again and that it's a month later and I'm not free yet.
Angry that they (siblings) know why I drew away from Mom yet insist that I ought to be willing to be drawn back in, just because it's Mom.
Frustrated that I've slid back into some behaviors I thought I'd moved on from (fawning around Mom & Sis, JADE).
Angry at myself for allowing the hoover. Angry that I didn't defend myself when my sister completely disrespected me. Angry that I've taken this long to really realize that my sister, in whom I have confided lately, is really a flying monkey for both parents. Angry that they think they (siblings, mostly sis) can expect ANYTHING from me after all Mom has put me through.
Quote from: radical on November 28, 2016, 04:44:41 AM
That's the hardest.
I wish I could sit with you, if you wanted company. It wouldn't take it away, I know, but you could say it out loud and be heard.
:hug:
Thank you, radical. That means a lot :hug:
Wishing a feeling of peace to everyone who is struggling.
Sanmagic7-
:hug:
:hug: Sanmagic. I don't know what to say that might help. So ill say nothing, but just let you know that i understand and that i am with you, in thought.
thank you all. in main part because of you my spirit has gotten stronger and today i feel a bit more in control. i've tried this stuff the doctors' ways, and my system just can't tolerate their meds anymore while my mind can't tolerate their incompetence. moving forward . . .
Angry. Why would someone just assume that because I'm *young*- because of my age, that ive never thought about death.
*Oh, your too young to have thought about death*
And i know its them- not me..its their thinking.
Maybe they cant read me.
It just shows that my outside persona and keeping others at a distance via not sharing anything personal is working.
I wonder if anyone has ever stopped and thought, *humm...you know..i don't actually know ANYTHING about her*.
They don't know about my past and the secrets that never get to see the light of say. The things i struggle with. i just don't think they would believe me as my outside self is so different from all th stuff i hide. from the real me. and they might hurt what they see.
Know one can see me. Its frustrating, because there's so much more about me than what others see on the outside.
But who cares? My X narcissist is starting to turn others against me, so maybe its just a matter of time until these people are all out of my life.
Things always come to and end anyway.
Thanks for listening.
This isn't a big problem in comparison at all.
I think it just has to do with the rage I'm surpassing, not through my own choice, just, there is know where where i can outlet it all.
Due to weight loss (unintentional, due to social anxiety, so not eating, stress, and maybe adrenal problems..)
i wanted to buy a new pair of jeans as al my jeans are hanging off me.
They fitted great and i was so excited i had finally found a pair.
Due to having no money, i didnt buy a purse -after loosing my purse and everything else in it.
Ordered a new bank card but accidnetly stood on my bag, leaving a crack in my bank card.
It worked fine- until today, so - i couldnt pay for the jeans. Had no cash.
And i was so angry.
I think my rage is to do with more than just this incident. Im just so over the money issue, - which has lead to other problems and not buying a purse to protect my card, and over the not eating thing, which has caused me to loose tones of weight leading to me needing new clothes that i cant afford.
Hopefully i can take money out from the bank tomorrow and order another card.
I wish i had someone to rant to sometimes, even if its only about the small things.
You have us, Sienna.
I know it's not the same as having people in person.
Rage is tough. It burns, and it always feels there is never going to be any outlet so it will just keep burning us up. And life can feel like one humiliation after another, which doesn't exactly help.
I hope you have a better day or night. (The different time zones with us being all over the world can be confusing. It's 8.05 am where I am).
aw, thank you so much radical.
Having you and you guys means a lot.
Rage does burn us up- your right there. And is very damaging to the body.
I hope you have a good day/night too, and thank you so much.
I hope your hanging in there ok too. :hug:
Anxious and generally....bad.
I feel like a bad person. Worthless. Scapegoat comes to mind, even if everything's all my fault.
Outcast. Like the dirt on someones shoe. i want to :disappear: yet it looks like I'm creating my own isolation which has just happened, its not what i want.
I cant please everyone, and know one knows whats happening in my FOO that has meant i cant go back there, and has lead to me making a snap decision about who to spend xmas with, meaning that it took me ages to let this person know...and thats the option i would have rather gone for, rather than the other, in which the choice was also, made for me...
I cant say no, i can't be honest...i feel overly responsible for everyone...
and I'm sure I'm repeating patterns with this guy who I'm spending it with, who is kind of like my father.. My dad may not be physically with me, but he appears in others.
Today I feel like there is no hope for me. And it's not just about C-PTSD. It's also about the grim reality of being a poor person in the USA.
I want to validate the reality of the external vulnerabilities and hardships that this condition often inflicts on sufferers, and how they interact with the internal vulnerability, suffering and conflict of cPTSD, and intensify each other.
Poverty is real and frightening. A huge challenge for any person to live with. I read a report in 'Psychology Today' that showed that most people living in severe poverty, studied by US researchers, met the criteria for PTSD as a result of their everyday experiences of living in poverty; violence, threat of violence, insufficiency, insecurity etc. I think close to 100 percent suffered clinical depression. Mental illness often condemns people to poverty and the relationships that can cushion and support are usually family relationships, in our case, usually the very people that caused our condition in the first place.
I don't mean to make you feel more hopeless. I want to validate that these aspects of the condition are real, and can be a big factor in whether we are able to find relationships that heal and support, or find and further abuse and increased isolation. That has been true of my experience. It is part of the picture that many overlook or airbrush out.
This is a harsh world in which to be injured and alone. It's a fact and it makes me weep. I can only offer you my solidarity and validation. I think it does need to be acknowledged and respected. You never deserved abuse and you certainly don't deserve to live in hardship. I'm really sorry.
Thank you so much, radical. :hug:
...so scared. :'(
Reaching out my hand across cyberspsace (there's no emoticon for that). Take care, Mourningdove :hug:
:hug:
Hopeful.
And that is almost ridiculous. The heat pump is getting old, the van is in the shop (no idea how much THAT will cost), work is difficult these days, my body is revealing all my stress, my husband is needy, my son is struggling and hating school, and symptoms are indicating that I am seriously dehydrated.
Still, I woke up this morning, got my shower, got a reluctant 8-year-old ready, made his lunch, made hubby's coffee, let the dogs out then back in, lost my temper, apologized, got son and me out the door and into the car. And, for some unknown reason, hopefulness washed over me. Seeing the full moon, knowing it's Friday the 13th (a thing that never bothered me anyway) and knowing I had a long day ahead of me didn't diminish that hopefulness.
I wish I could explain it. I wish I could share it. So, I figured I'd come here and share with everyone that I am having a good day. I hope and pray that you will also have a good day. :hug:
Thanks, radical and Three Roses :hug: :hug:
Happy for you today, Wife#2 :hug:
mourningdove, that's a show of the greatness and strength of your heart that you can be happy for someone else who is feeling the exact opposite of you.
this world right now, the uncertainty, the economics, what will happen after jan. 20 in the u.s., what is happening here in mexico - i don't blame you for being scared. i am, too. it's a horrible feeling based on the reality of what's going on, and everything that's led up to it. i've got a hand out to you, too.
wife2, hang on to that hopefulness. i am able to share some of that right now, and it feels good, weird, but good.
all i know is that i have some terrific support here, and i'm grateful for it. the rest of the future will have to take care of itself. i can't battle that beast anymore.
Awww... Thanks, sanmagic. :hug:
today i'm so mad because my hub kept waking me up during the night. i've been working on my sleeping, had a couple good nights and good naps, and that always makes me feel better. so, along with feeling mad, i'm also feeling a bit sickish from having such terrible interrupted sleep all night. grrrr and ugh!
Hey sanmagic,
Just wanted to save having sleep interrupted is the worst. My dog has been doing this it's making me feel exhausted and annoyed. But that's probably a bit easier because she is so adorable it's impossible to stay mad at her. Still sorry you had a rough night. Hope you can take good care of yourself and get some extra rest today!
Everything hurts today. Haven't seen my therapist in a while, and I feel like I never wanna go back. I feel as if I'll be broken forever. I feel like nobody's ever gonna love me, because every time I show someone how broken I am, they run away.
thanks, rose. yeah, i think we're going for separate beds. we've been down this road before, and i'm thinking we're just not compatible sleepers! it may seem weird, but i've never had this many problems with others.
courage, your name says it all. i sincerely hope you get through this phase as quickly as possible. i've been where you are, several times and it sucks. however, i've also made it out, every time, and i'm wishing that for you. the one phrase that's helped me, and i know it sounds kind of cliche', is 'this, too, shall pass'. i've had to hang onto that one as a lifeline at times. big hug.
today i feel happy. i have discovered a small, soft, shining bit of happiness, finally, within myself, and i've been feeling it for about 2 weeks and it feels lovely.
i'm also feeling happy for both a friend and my hub. she has battle cancer last year, had to cancel going to her favorite tennis tournament, but is packing to be able to attend it next week. i am so happy for her, i'm nearly overflowing. it didn't look like she'd ever be able to attend it again, yet here she is. i think it's the best medicine for her. she's been through *.
my hub left this morning to go whale watching down the baja peninsula. it is quite an adventure and i'm so happy that he's getting to do it, especially since he'll be with a dear friend and they'll be able to share the experience together. i'm so happy to see him excited like a little kid at christmas. like he says, it made my heart rumble and roll like a puppy.
feeling happy is a really good feeling. i'm glad i've lived long enough to experience it.
Yay, sanmagic! :)
there is a smile on my face, mourningdove. thanks for that!
San - Heart rumble & roll like a puppy... what a wonderful way to express real happiness! I hope that is continuing, along with good sleep while he's away!
Courage - I know it's been a month, are you getting any relief from the body pains? I've been thinking of you and hoping that your pain is at least less than it had been. ::: gentle hug :::
Anxious and frustrated.
Like the kind of anxious when you're at work and realizing that parts of your face are starting to get numb. Like the kind of anxious when you feel like your legs won't support you.
The kind of frustrated when you know that someone won't listen to you, doesn't care about what you say, and will never change.
today i feel a little more human. some of that sucks, but mostly it's the best ever.
today i feel sad, especially for me. i don't like what i'm facing.
sanmagic - :hug:
Today I feel...like I'm in a huge relapse. Following 2 nights of decent sleep (for me a rarity), last night it was as if the demons were unleashed and relentless in their fury. Now sleep-deprived, I face a day including a therapy session for which I was feeling in a good state, now the pendulum has swung and hit me square yet again; leaving me dizzy, confused, angry, and intensely sad.
I feel like I'll never make it out of this pit. Swings are one thing; but they seem extremely wild and out-of-control of late. This isn't a bumpy ride, it's just stupid and the self-blame finger points its gnarled finger right at me with accusations of "it's your-own-fault" shaming and other taunts.
I'm sorry, I know this may even upset those who read this even more; but I have no where to turn right now.
You're not making me feel bad, Woodsgnome. I'm glad you felt able to reach out.
I feel like I know how this feels. It's not your own fault, it's how it is. You haven't willed this on yourself or caused the demons to be unleashed by any act or omission.
I just hope you can find some kindess for yourself. You are always so kind to others. And I very much hope your session gives you some of the care and kindness you need right now. :hug:
You didn't upset me either, woodsgnome. I'm just sorry that you feel so badly.
If the self-blame is too powerful to believe anything different about yourself, then please let us be your witnesses, and we can reflect back to you what we see: It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.
:hug:
Mourningdove and radical,
Thank you. I'm still laid pretty low by what I thought would never happen again, to the extent it did...those ferocious demons. My t suggested it's a sign they're desperate; next time I plan to follow that up, e.g. why she thinks that, as she knows I'm frustrated with false hope. But I'm open to that, which might be the greater hope, as I've mouthed things like being open in word, but that wasn't reflected in deed. You know, the old believing in myself theme...yes, I say that, seems like I get halfway there on a rickety swinging bridge, then retreat to safety, even if in reality it isn't that safe.
Both of you have allowed me to regain a base of composure about this. I can't thank you enough; it's like your kindness has at least stabilized the bridge so I can continue the journey...not knowing where I go is even beginning to feel safer than always searching out the perfectly safe route. That said, I'm still worn out.
Utterly without hope
Candid :hug: :hug:
We'll be here to listen.
Sending much care and support your way Candid :hug:
:hug: Sorry things are so hard for you today. Sending warm wishes and gentle thoughts across the miles.
Keep posting and take care.