since i read this, it's been nagging me in the head, wanting to be shared.
Emotional abuse through invalidation
Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. When we invalidate a person's feelings, the implied messages are - i know what you should feel more than you know about yourself - you must be weird for not feeling what i feel - I don't approve of what you feel - Don't be yourself. Be what I expect you to be.
Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality. It is like telling water to not be wet. There are many forms of invalidation. Most of them are so insidious that we don't even know what is happening.
Ordering you to feel differently - "Get over it." "Don't be so sensitive."
Ordering you to look differently - "Don't look so serious." "Don't look so proud of yourself."
Denying your perception, defending - "You've got it all wrong." "But of course I respect you."
Trying to make you feel guilty while invalidating you - "I tried to help you." "At least I ____." "You are making everyone else miserable."
Trying to isolate you - "You are the only one who feels that way." "It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?"
Minimizing your feelings - "You must be kidding." "It can't be that bad."
Using reason - "There is no reason to get upset." "Let's stick to the facts." "Maybe it is because ______."
Judging and labeling you - "You have a problem." "You are too sensitive." "You are hopeless."
Telling you how you "should" feel or act - "You should be excited." "You shouldn't let it bother you."
source: http://traumadissociation.com
Thank you for the resource! Really helpful! :thumbup:
Yeah, so true...
Thanks for sharing.
Any particular reason why you have put this n the "Friends" section?
I'm tempted to move it to the "Causes of cPTSD" board. :Idunno:
Yes :'(
Dutch - feel free to move it anywhere you want :D
thanks for sharing 3 roses :hug: some of my worst adult experiences of this have been in 3d support groups and in poor therapy, very damaging to my recovery at the time. It's so great to find validation here.
Dutch, invalidation is a significant cause of cPTSD from my past but these kinds of experiences mainly effect me in the present as I repeat them in my social interactions today. Apols, I'm not too familiar with all the boards yet, is there some place for developing healthy social skills, social interactions & boundaries? Idk, just my 2c worth.
Agreed.
All that was ever wanted was some awareness from those I thought meant the most. They're not expected to understand, just listen. Not offer advice, they can't. All that is wanted is a simple "That really sucks. Lets go have a beer and talk some sh**."
My inner critic does the “Judging and Labeling” thing. This gives a whole new meaning to self-abuse. Wow! My former shrink judged and labeled me too. My T said I should have called him out on it. I didn't know what it was when it happened. What's in it for me to aggravate myself if I don't have to.
Quote from: Flutterbye on June 21, 2016, 01:12:03 AM
Apols, I'm not too familiar with all the boards yet, is there some place for developing healthy social skills, social interactions & boundaries? Idk, just my 2c worth.
Not as specific as you mention, but the Recovery from cPTSD (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=4.0)-board is a place where things like that are shared. Particularly in the "Ideas/tools for recovery" and the "Successes, Progress?" child-boards there. The "General Discussion" might also be a place to look and/or share your own thoughts and/or experiences.
Please forgive me, my son. My darling boy. These phrases were such a part of my growing up that I didn't even realize the damage they do. I've hurt you and only begun to recognized how deeply.
These phrases do hurt, I should know, I received them often also. It's time for me to grow my 'Mama Bear' claws and protect my DS8 from myself AND his father and sister and brother who do say these things exactly as well as similar things to this sweet boy.
He is a sensitive person and it is NOT RIGHT to hurt or chastise him because of it. Who gets to define 'too sensitive' anyway? Do I have a right? NO! Just because his emotional outburst is not conveniently timed gives me NO right to lash out at him with such unkind words and judgments.
I have a lot of apologizing and making it up to this good boy God gave me. I may never convince the rest to do this, but at least he will know he has one champion in his life. I can love him enough to see that this type of thing stops. Now. Forever. Not in my house, not to my son. Or to me anymore, for both our sakes. If I refuse to tolerate it and teach him how to defend HIMself, then we both may come out of this stronger.
That is such an insidious evil, I must force it out of my own mouth as well as the mouths of others around me and DS8.
Thank you more than I can ever, ever say for making this point, Three Roses. You have placed a mirror in front of me and I needed to see what was there. Now, I can act on this knowledge. I hope it isn't too late to reduce the lasting damage. Again ~ Thank you!
You have chosen to be the change you wish to see in your family. Habits ingrained in us from youth take constant vigilance to eradicate. If we don't get enough sleep, if we are overworked, stressed or in physical pain the most regrettable things can come shooting out of our mouths like emotional shrapnel. First thing, stop beating yourself up. My grandmother used to say the bling can't lead the blind. Fill your mind with loving thoughts so that loving words should come out of your mouth. As hard as it is for many of us to smile, Mother Theresa said our smiles are a gift of love.
I agree with Danaus. While it's important to recognize areas in our lives that need improvement, it's also important to not beat ourselves up ("When you know better, you do better.")
And quite possibly, your son will learn the most precious gift of all - how to improve oneself in the face of opposition.
I say, good for you!
I'm not beating myself up. I'm recognizing where I have been wrong, addressing it head on, thanking a friend for making me aware that there WAS a problem and moving forward with as much integrity as I can muster.
The reason I even posted about having a mirror up is that it's so easy to say - Yeah, my husband does that to our son, just like our Mom's did to us. But, that wouldn't be the whole picture and would have made it appear that I was some innocent trying to make my mean husband stop. Well, the fact is, we both do this. And since I can't change my husband, I wrote the post about my own awakening awareness. And what I can and will do to change what I CAN change.
I do especially love the idea of putting only love thoughts about my son when I think of him, am around him, talk with him. This will help me to pull these invalidating phrases out of my 'handy phrase book'. It's helped me to reduce and almost completely eliminate cussing at all, but especially around my son. DS8 knows that I will try, I may fail, but I don't give up. Not when it comes to him.
I had already recognized a couple of these phrases as damaging, but not all - so I am thankful for the list as it is presented. I can also work on my tone - so that exasperation is not the primary emotion DS8 hears from me. Another work-in-progress!
Wow, this is really helpful. I just made a post about struggling with an enabler - who has said many of these things when defending her role in the abuse. Thank you for sharing :)
Thank you three roses for the link
thank you for this. i was able to give this list to my husband who has argued constantly when i tell him how i want to be spoken to, especially in public, or with others around. he, of course, had no idea of what he had been doing, just following the way his dad interacted with his mom and defending that interaction. he's quite new to anything personally insightful, so things like this, that he can see in black and white make a big difference with him. it brings him to an 'aha!' moment. this was also very validating for me for all those times i couldn't explain to him why it bothered me when he said certain things in certain ways. and, validation is my medicine du jour nowadays. this has been really appreciated.
The one that stopped me dead is my tracts:
QuoteTrying to isolate you - "You are the only one who feels that way." "It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?"
Of all the things he does and says, this statement shuts me up the quickest. It's the exact wording too.
I remember going into a frinzied search on all things invalidating, to argue my case to him. Now that he understands it, for the most part, he corrects everyone else's invalidating habits as if he's a guru.
Oh, Vexed,
I'm so sorry that you've had such overwhelming invalidation like that!
Here's something for your inner child, that freezes when hearing Vexed is the ONLY ONE who feels that way..... And that is GOOD ENOUGH! It doesn't matter if you are the only one, it matters that you feel that way, in the moment.
The sarcastic in me (which has been finding her way out a lot more lately) wants to shout - so if I'm the only one who feels like crying at your funeral, I should buck up and dry my tears? If your death didn't bother anybody else, I shouldn't let it bother me? Come on, my feeling about this situation is just as valid as that.
I hope that counter to such a horrible phrase will help you keep it in perspective.
lol, I'll keep that in the back of my mind when he starts his crud :hug:
Thank you Three Roses.
My childhood abuse was all invalidation.
I wound up trying to be a whole other person.
But when you do that you have no self-esteem, because your "self" is not even there.
after reading your other post, laurelleaves, you give another meaning to surviving emotional abuse.
and, i do believe that your self-esteem is beginning to grow, as is your entire person. you posted here, showed yourself, so we know that you exist, even it others want to deny that. you are real and true.
Laurel - someone suggested this link, I forget who - "how traumatic boundary violations destroy the capacity for self care", http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911. Really great insights! Thanks to whoever this was from.
Wow. That's deep. I've never thought about boundaries. I'm making a list, as we speak, of things that are boundary-like.
Thanks Three Roses.
You're very welcome :) glad you're here :hug:
Thanks for sharing this list Three Roses. :thumbup: So true... I recognise these words so well. This is another form of emotional abuse and can really make you lose your sense of self, especially when already fragile (or fragmented) from other forms of abuse. Great site too! Am posting this quote which I found because I have experienced it too.
Judith Lewis-Herman, who first proposed Complex PTSD as a separate diagnosis, stated:
"Observers who have never experienced prolonged terror, and who have no understanding of coercive methods of control, often presume that they would show greater psychological resistance than the victim in similar circumstances. The survivor's difficulties are all too easily attributed to underlying character problems, even when the trauma is known. When the trauma is kept secret, as is frequently the case in sexual and domestic violence, the survivor's symptoms and behavior may appear quite baffling, not only to lay people but also to mental health professionals. The clinical picture of a person who has been reduced to elemental concerns of survival is still frequently mistaken for a portrait of the survivor's underlying character." [1]:388 Read more: http://traumadissociation.com/complexptsd.html
Wow! :thumbup: Thanks for posting this. :)
A couple of days ago, I started a boundary diary based on an article I read.
Boundaries sound so simple and yet they are at the core. Just being able to experience my self in interactions and start thinking about being with people in a way in which I have rights and preferences is important.
Thanks for this article
Three Roses, so pleased you like my quote. :)
Radical - it's funny that you mention a "boundary diary". What a good idea! My T recommended a book by Cyndi Dale about boundaries as it's something I need to work on, especially being so sensitive to the moods and energies of others. Maybe I'll post some bits and pieces about it when I get further into the book.
Fen
Thank you for sharing, Three Roses. That post was totally worth going into dissociation for (which of course is not even remotely your fault. You even put a trigger warning in the subject. I just chose to go there anyway). I'm still living with my abusive person, and its still really hard to understand why what he does hurts me because I'm so used to the tactics being "acceptable." I think I need to save this and journal about it or slip it away somewhere so I can pull it out when I need it, so I can be like "I'm not over reacting. He did THIS and it's abusive. " This post was totally worth going into dissociation for.
Now excuse me while I go do some Sudoku to see if I can get my brain back again. Sigh...dissociation is kinda stupid.
:)
This was incredibly valuable! I am still reeling from a couple of re-triggering incidents with people who have way too much sense of power and control. A number of the expressions used above were part of their vocabulary that I only now know were caustic and limiting my ability to not get taken down.
It seems the experiences I have had have come from those whom I would identify as NPD, who lack empathy of the current situation and can not see or accept what I am experiencing. By the time I realize what has transpired :fallingbricks: I am in too deep, almost like a spell has been cast and I am caught, frozen in the messy goo. As writer/psycho-therapist Jeff Brown states in his work - boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
Preparing myself and anticipating the sign posts that let me know these interactions may/will have consequences if I am not in tune with these hits to a tender psyche (totally depends on my own state of mind and stress levels incurred). Thank you so much for this post. Very helpful :applause:
This is is the problem with growing up in a PD family. Youll never get validation from them.
Although i have tried over the years especially my uNPD father. If i ever try to bring up my now dead uBPD mother , he refutes to discuss her in anyway negatively or criticise her. He doesnt want anyone to upset his fantasy and it was a fantasy.
If i press him , its "she was a wonderful mother" " she was disappointed with her children" He dissociated all his life and dismisses my pain. He wont recognise the causes. He doesnt want to go there, the problems are mine and nothing to do with my family
Its a pointless exercise , but i still fall into the trap.
:hug:
That link to that boundaries article. Gulp, just gulp. That explains so much.