Lately I am struggling because I think my therapist is so much of a better person than I am. She is about my age and is everything I think I should be. I wouldn't want a therapist who didn't have it together, but I just feel so inferior to her. She has a successful career; I am on disability. She is a great mother and has a good marriage. I did not do well at all, with any relationships. I let my ex control me in every way. I am not the mother I think I should be, I get overwhelmed. I have self-harmed and I feel so horrible to think I could go so low. I can't imagine she would ever stoop so low. I sometimes drink too much as well. I feel worthless. She validates me and doesn't judge. She has empathy for me. It's stupid, I should be thrilled she is so grounded and able to be fully engaged in my treatment. The truth is, I think I keep feeling worse about myself when making comparisons I should not make. I don't feel my past is an excuse.
So is mine :) - in all the ways you describe. And she values me, which means the world to me.
I'm also on a kind of disability - more like insurance in my case, but it makes me feel inferior, ashamed. I also hurt myself with comparisons with other people and obsessing about my "failures" and mistakes. Can you talk to her about this? I don't mean in a fawning way, but maybe it would help to hear how someone you respect sees you.
I think you are pretty amazing, maybe she does too? :hug:
I also think you could find a lot of value in talking to her about this.
Someone else made a post about being a personal trainer and only being able to show clients certain aspects of themselves so as to present professionally. I think that applies to your therapist, too. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, and a story you might not know. Thay said I totally compare myself to others too much, and it's something for me to work on. It also causes me pain.
I realize now though that it's a tag-team one-two punch from my perfectionism wielding inner child and critic, and knowing that makes it a bit easier to redirect my thoughts back to things I can do something about rather than what other appear to have.
It's also a great time to appreciate something good about myself. I might not have a house, but I have the freedom to move about or travel easily if that is what I choose, etc.
I hope you can be comforted. You're definitely not alone in this.
I think you're all amazing! Group hug! :bighug:
They all look so happy shiny, those Others. But if you asked, they'd most likely say they know exactly what you mean, and admit that they have compared themselves to others and come up short, too.
"Comparison is the thief of joy." Theodore Roosevelt
I've had nearly a dozen therapists, but the current one is light years ahead of the others in terms of approach, knowledge, and comfort level. She's the only one I've ever felt trustworthy with, even when some of our sessions have hit on my darkest places.
She readily admits she's not that way for everyone, either; that she 'doesn't know it all' and that ours is a two-way street--she's been through the therapy cycle from the client side, too. So she sees the relationship as a partnership, but doesn't just say it--practices that way, allowing me as a fellow explorer, not seeing me as just another needy client for whom she provides a fix. I'm encouraged to discover my own realities, to which she adds her own professional expertise (and personal when relevant). I feel fortunate to have found someone with this approach. So yes, I have a high opinion of this therapist, for all the reasons noted. Part of it is personal style but I'm also beginning to feel better about myself than I ever have before.
So I also concur with what's already been said--those 'Others', even smart therapists, have cracks in their armor, probably a lot. Some show it more than others, but it's likely that if you risked asking her, she too would acknowledge having some rough edges. Which I hope would make you feel more comfortable with the process.
Quote from: Dee on August 04, 2016, 10:08:32 PM
Lately I am struggling because I think my therapist is so much of a better person than I am. She is about my age and is everything I think I should be. I wouldn't want a therapist who didn't have it together, but I just feel so inferior to her. She has a successful career; I am on disability. She is a great mother and has a good marriage. I did not do well at all, with any relationships. I let my ex control me in every way. I am not the mother I think I should be, I get overwhelmed. I have self-harmed and I feel so horrible to think I could go so low. I can't imagine she would ever stoop so low. I sometimes drink too much as well. I feel worthless. She validates me and doesn't judge. She has empathy for me. It's stupid, I should be thrilled she is so grounded and able to be fully engaged in my treatment. The truth is, I think I keep feeling worse about myself when making comparisons I should not make. I don't feel my past is an excuse.
With all due respect for all that you have been through and all that you want for yourself, I wish to remind you that this is your Inner Critic talking. Your inner critic is not your true self. It's just a 'toxic map', given to you by your caretakers, and turned inward on yourself. It's composed of shame that does not originally belong to you, that you have adopted and turned into the voice in your head. I say this to remind you that you are not the Inner Critic, even if you have been used to identifying with it and using it as a tool against yourself for a very long time.
While it may be true that your Therapist is an example of all you wish to have for yourself, and while you may be well intentioned in reminding yourself what is possible in life, or trying to motivate yourself to grow past your pain, all this kind of talk does ultimately is reinforce and further entrench you in more pain, which can create more reason to criticize yourself, in a self destructive loop of pain and shame. No fun at all.
And as others have pointed out, it might be useful to pop the bubble of the illusion of your Therapist's "perfect life" by asking her about her own shortcomings; Don't let yourself get too 'Black & White' in your thinking about this. The truth is likely much more nuanced than that.
You are most likely dealing with an Emotional Flashback, and you'll begin to feel better as soon as you can become aware of it. I feel for you and this dynamic of comparison. I've been there so many times myself. It's so painful. All it's ever gotten me is anxiety, neurosis, exhaustion, and depression. And yet, I kept going back there because I thought this I needed to be stronger, or that because this is the way society pressures us, that it was "right". It's not though. Self Hatred is not, and never was the answer. The way you feel is normal for somebody who has been through what you've been through. Your Therapist is demonstrating unconditional love and acceptance of you, just as you are, so that your unconscious mind has an example of it. By watching it and interacting with it, you too can learn how to feel it and be that way as well. It may take time and work, but you can heal if you keep at it.
Have you read Pete Walker's Complex PTSD book yet? If not, DO SO a.s.a.p.! It will help a lot. He illuminates this dynamic very, very clearly. Sending you love as you deal with all this. I think most of us have been there too
With genuine respect, SweetFreedom, who's experiences are you describing here?
Not intending to offend, I've been guilty of this kind of thing myself :whistling:
I agree with you about Pete Walker's book. I'm rereading it at the moment.
Looking forward to hearing more about you and your experiences!
Warm wishes,
-R
I appreciate the support, it is nice to know I am not alone. I have a seriously, difficult time talking about how flawed I feel. So much so, I cannot get the words out, they just don't come. Yet, I can see that if I don't approach the subject, she can't read my mind, and therefore cannot help. What I have learned to do is to write her. I have done this only four times. The first three times I dropped off a letter, the last time I let her read my journal while I was there. Still, this is so very hard. I honestly do not know if I can even approach the topic. The advice is good and appreciated, I'll see what I can do. Somehow this topic seems so difficult to discuss.
I have not read Pete Walker's book yet. My therapist occasionally gives me books to read and I feel she best knows what I can and can't handle. I will ask her about it.
Thank you all so much. It is really, really good to know that perhaps it is a little bit normal for being abnormal.
Also, I really feel that others understand and care here. I always find the support I get through a computer is amazing.
personally, i think writing is a brilliant way to communicate with her if you're having difficulty right now saying the words. writing has been a lifesaver for me. i'm really glad you've found this outlet. and i'm glad you've discovered and are utilizing this forum.
one thought occurred to me. altho you said you don't want your traumatic experiences to be an excuse for why you haven't accomplished exactly what your therapist has, do you realize how very debilitating trauma is as far as getting ourselves from day to day alive? that you've managed to live thru all you've gone through is quite an accomplishment - many, many others have not been able to do what you have done, which is stay alive long enough to begin finding help, answers, and support. you deserve a lot of credit for your strength, your perseverance, your determination, and your courage to not allow your own traumatization take its ultimate toll on you.
i think it's easy for others to look all together and accomplish this, that, and the other when they don't have the challenges that we who have been traumatized have had. not to use that as an excuse, but as a fact/reality. living in mexico, as an example, i would have been able to learn a lot more spanish if i hadn't been so sick and my brain would have been working more efficiently, not having to cope with what was going on with my body at the same time it was battling depression and anxiety and out-of-control emotions (i have been able to learn a lot of medical terms, tho!) i hope you can give yourself some credit for what you have accomplished. you deserve lots.
Quote from: radical on August 07, 2016, 06:19:47 AM
With genuine respect, SweetFreedom, who's experiences are you describing here?
Not intending to offend, I've been guilty of this kind of thing myself :whistling:
To some degree, I was describing all of our experiences. Or at least attempting to. What I described is pretty much exactly what Pete Walker says in
Complex PTSD, along with a couple references from John Bradshaw's
Homecoming and
Healing the Shame that Binds you. This is what they as experts have to say about the Self-Judgements that we go through. Perhaps I was being a bit too focused on Dee and it may have come off as personal, when what I was sharing was actually something that is common to everybody who deals with this 'disorder'.
I recognize that we are all at different places in our healing Journey, and that for some of us, all we want is to be Validated and met with unconditional acceptance. For others of us, there is a need for understanding, awareness, and distinction that makes the healing journey possible. Kind of a Yin and Yang of recovery. And I've gotten a lot of value out of learning the 'structure' of what happens for people with CPTSD. Even though we all have different stories and experiences, there is a common underlying structure to what we go through. Understanding that side of things has sped up my healing and helped me get out of Flashbacks many times. Naming what is happening is key. And so, thats what I was aiming to offer in this thread; a little 'yang' of knowledge to the 'yin' of feelings, as clearly, there's a lot of emotional support here <3
Dee, my sincere apologies to you if my enthusiasm in sharing crossed any lines for you. I know that when Im dealing with my own Shame, that it can be hard to have something pointed out about me. So if I added to your pain, then I really apologize to you. My intent was genuinely to help. Wishing you all the best.
Hi SweetFreedom,
I'm speaking for myself here.
I was describing all of our experiences.
You can't describe everyone's experiences, you can only describe your own.
No lines were crossed. Everyone's responses were valuable and well received. I absolutely have issues with shame and self-hatred, no doubt about it. Black and White thinking is a cognitive distortion that I have been trying to work on.
I don't have a group, I don't know a single person who has CPTSD or has even been abused as a child other than myself. I have spent a lifetime feeling flawed, different, and marked. It is so nice to finally feel like I am not alone.
i hear you. i have had that feeling re: not belonging', whether it was in my church (i never got comfort from anything i was taught or that i learned, from being a sunday school teacher to serving on the council, even going to other religious/siritual gatherings - i didn't fit, somehow), or support groups, or 12-step groups (i couldn't relate to people saying that they finally felt like they had come home, they finally felt like they belonged). then i found this internet connection support forum, and i feel more belonging and comfort here than from anything else i've tried.
that's so strange to me, seeing as how there is only a virtual connection with the people here, but i feel closer to this group than to any group i actually attended in person. this is truly the first place i've shared without fearing shaming or watching people look at me with ??? in their eyes. it's weird, but wonderful.
and, i have to say i agree that, no matter what the 'experts' say about the condition of c-ptsd, as individuals with individual experiences, we will take, even from them, what fits for us, and leave the rest. i don't think that everything said in anybody's book will resonate with every person, no matter how basic or fundamental it may seem. i know that i have had to learn that in my own life, in my own job (therapist), and it took a while. i'm still learning. so, i'm glad you're finding something positive in what's being posted, and glad you're here.
I too have had a therapist that seemed to look at me like an organism on a petri dish that she could psychologically dissect! Not a nice feeling at all! And not one that encourages you to open up! Needless to say I only had two sessions and thought "* this! I'm outta here!"!!!
Something helpful my current and super amazing therapist has said is that a lot (but not all - I would hate to generalise!) of people become therapists due to having experienced trauma of their own. And generally they are the most effective as they truly can empathize with how rotten to the core their clients sometimes feel. Perhaps keep this in mind? Also my therapist has shared some of her difficult childhood memories with me as a way to show she can truly relate and I often feel like I'm just having a deep and meaningful conversation with a wise friend.
Good luck ;)
Have you ever heard anyone say "you're comparing your insides to someone else's outsides"? You know all of your private issues and none of hers. I'm not sure that's a fair comparison.
And I think there might be another way that you comparison is unfair too. Most of us are very hard on ourselves and far kinder to everyone else. Try substituting one of us for you in your story. Maybe imagine me with the same background that you had, tell yourself the story of my life and have it parallel yours closely. In the end, let me become exactly the person you are today, but look at me with the kind eyes you turn toward the world. Now, am I inferior to your therapist? Or have I done very well under the circumstances?
Survivor526,
I have never heard that (you're comparing your insides to someone else's outsides), but I like it.
And you are right. When I put another person in my place I don't feel they are inferior to her. In fact I think the opposite, they are such a strong person to be sitting with her. I have an appointment today and I will try to keep this in mind.
Also, I do really like my therapist. She doesn't act superior and doesn't look down on me. I am the one who looks down on me. She is warm and compassionate. She is also a very balanced person. One thing that I think leads to my feeling on inferiority is she projects such confidence. Sometimes I think it is hard for me to distinguish confidence from being superior. Perhaps there is jealousy going on as well. Somehow I seem to dismiss all my accomplishments and focus on hers.
She does bring in her life sometimes, I think to model behavior. She sometimes talks about the equal relationship between her and her husband. I believe she does this because my ex husband was so controlling, there was nothing equal there. I think she tries to show me how it can be. I need to not think of how she chose better than I did, and take the lesson at hand.
Thank you all, I'm working on it. I don't think this is something that will resolve overnight. It is something I need to keep reminding myself.
I think that since we weren't taught to be kind to ourselves, (quite the opposite in most cases), it's a big challenge to learn to be nice or even fair when we see ourselves. My T has me do a lot of mirror work in order to develop self esteem. It's no magic pill but it is helping me. Have you done any mirror work yet?
I don't know what mirror work is. So that would be no, I have not done mirror work.
survivor, i thought that was beautifully said. and, so very, very true. i've often said to a friend - reverse that. what if it were me in that situation, what would you think of me? getting outside ourselves like you suggested and viewing ourselves as if those doubts, flaws, fears, etc., belonged to someone else can be mighty powerful.