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Treatment, Self-Help & Recovery => Self-Help & Recovery => Frustrated? Set Backs? => Topic started by: Sandstone on August 20, 2016, 06:47:26 PM

Title: Why do they do this?
Post by: Sandstone on August 20, 2016, 06:47:26 PM
My last partner who has severe cptsd with no help, used to throw my depression in my face. Id open up and try explain the way i felt and hed end up saying i was using it as an excuse.  That really hurt.
Now my curren bf has just said pretty much the same thing. Even tho i havnt been able to explain to him the vastness of the whole thing. He may have googled cptsd i dunno but thats only an outline, he doesnt have a clue about the depth of it and he doesnt want to know.
Now he says hes leaving cos im always negative and take it out on him. He says im critical which yeah i probably am.
I am still involved in my highly dysfunctional family trying to work things out in my head since iv been diagnosed only 4 months ago as well as trying to juggle a moody teenage girl and a hyper 10 yr old boy as well as trying to keep house and im really f*ing struggling. I have no one to talk to about it all either. Yet again im alone.
I told my boyfriend last week that his drinking is a problem for me. It has for a while but this time i told him. Not sure if this has anything to do with him wanting his own place or not.
Perhaps im expecting too much from him? I know he cant fill the void i have.
Any advice please?
Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: Dutch Uncle on August 20, 2016, 07:47:09 PM
Hi Sandstone,

I haven't got a clue on why they do this, I can only surmise/speculate.
Which I won't.

First I want to tell you:  :thumbup: for telling your current BF his drinking is a problem for you. You're setting a boundary: YOUR boundary. Excellent.
I've been a people pleaser for most of my life, and I have only started to learn about boundaries, but what is becoming increasingly clear to me, is that boundaries are personal. So everybody sets their own. So  :thumbup: for having set YOURS with regard to HIS drinking.

Getting invalidated by (supposedly) using my cPTSD as an excuse (or i my case: my FOO-dysfunctionality and childhood abuse. I haven't told anybody yet I identify as a cPTSD affected person) is a major stress-factor in my life as well. I'm witnessing friends falling away. Which adds additional hurt to the process of recovering from all this mess.
I'm sorry this is not painting a pretty picture, but I've come to understand this is, very unfortunately, part of the process.
There is a very encouraging (yet sad) video on this by a guy called "Narcissism Survivor" on YouTube: Narcissism Abuse 4 Stages of Pain ( A Trigger Warning should be added to that, as it's quite confrontational. He speaks specifically about what you describe as being part of 'stage 3', specifically after @8:15 in the video. (I think. At least it is what I relate to, both in his video, as well as with your post.)

With regard to me loosing friends, some of them teen-age friends, I try to find some comfort in knowing that it took me up to now to finally fathom the depth of the root of my cPTSD, so I can't realistically expect them to move any faster, or even keep up with me. Alas, that doesn't negate the fact I will have to leave them behind, if they can't keep up as I will (have to) go on.
Or perhaps they are leaving me 'behind' ?
Whatever it is, we are getting separated. And some of them are separating themselves from me, by putting the blame solely on me for the 'rift'. Which for sure isn't fair...

Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: Three Roses on August 20, 2016, 08:17:24 PM
 :hug: so sorry you're going thru this.

In my opinion, trying to get better emotionally while in a relationship with an active addict is a bit like shoveling snow in a snowstorm; you'll never get anywhere.

You have enough on your hands, dealing with all you're going thru and trying to raise children, too. It's kind of pointless trying to figure out why anyone does anything - I can't even figure out my own motives half the time!  :D
Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 20, 2016, 08:28:57 PM
sandstone, to me it sounds like not only can't he fill the void in you, his words and actions have actually been making it even larger.  i agree w/ dutch uncle that you set a boundary with him, and those boundaries we put out are our way of making our life better.  'too critical'?  i think those are words used to dismiss your concerns about what kind of life you know is best for you and your kids.

and, speaking of your kids, it sounds like you have a full plate.  that is certainly a lot of time and energy expended.  and, if a partner isn't helping the situation, s/he is hurting it.  why do they do this?   it's the nature of the beast.  those who don't know, aren't willing to know, have no interest in knowing, well, that's all the farther they want to go.  they'll say and do hurtful things to protect their own way of life, their own perspective of the world.  they don't want to broaden it, so they attack whatever's different. 

i'm sorry, truly, that he didn't want to be part of the solution.  i think you did a good thing for yourself.  problems with a drinker only add more stress, use up more time and energy in a neg. way.  as you continue to look out for yourself, continue on your path of recovery, you will also continue to speak up for you and what's best for you.  others may not like it, true, but i've discovered that i have only a very few people in my life now that are worth keeping close to me.  they lift me up, support and encourage me to do what's best for me.  the rest are at different levels of friendship, but it's quite superficial.  kudos to you for taking this step. 
Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: movementforthebetter on August 20, 2016, 09:13:08 PM
This sounds so difficult for you to have to go through.

I've also been told by orhers that I use my situation as an excuse. It's lazy and shows a lack of awareness, frankly. Our experiences are our own and anyone who pretends to know better is doing nothing more than pretending.

I also think that you saying something about the drinking probably triggered his hurtful reaction. You've challenged him just by looking out for you and he probably didn't appreciate it but you have done nothing wrong. You have children to look out for and anyone who doesn't understand that is doing you a favour in the long term by removing themselves.

But any of that knowledge doesn't make it hurt less in the meantime. Big hugs ro you. You sound like a very strong person even if you don't feel it at the moment.  :hug:
Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: meursault on August 20, 2016, 09:42:39 PM
I think you've done the healthy thing here.  It's hard, but I think you should pat yourself on the back.  As Dutch Uncle said, you successfully set boundaries - hard at the best of times!  If you have to defend your feelings, like with your depression, or take responsibility for his understanding of CPTSD, you're being invalidated, IMO.  It sort of makes you have to PROVE your feelings are acceptable.  I think a lot of people don't understand, but rather than being able to face that lack of understanding, they project their incomplete view onto us.  And if we don't fit it, it's wrong of us.  Sort of  unintentionally kicking us when we're down.

Three Roses makes a good point about the snowstorm!   It's not good to be around that when we already have so much to deal with.  I don't even like being around friends much if they're drinking anymore.  It stresses me out.

I think you've done really well with this.  Still hurts, but maybe you can feel good about looking after yourself and kids too...

Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: Sandstone on August 21, 2016, 01:13:43 AM
Aaagh i just lost my long reply before finishing it. I will try again tomorrow. Thank you all for your replies  :hug:
Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: Sandstone on August 21, 2016, 02:25:05 AM
Iv just got back out of bed.
 Dutch Uncle, yeah i didnt even realise that i had set a boundary but i had hadn't i  :cheer:
Thanks for the link it was interesting straight to the point as you said, i didn't realise there were stages.
Im sorry you had to lose people along your journey too especially old friends. You made a good point about not expecting others to stay at your pace thanks for the thoughts.
Three Roses, yes im not helping myself really am i lol i was hoping he might be ready to heal too. I went in eyes wide open this time too and still carried on.

SanMagic,  one of the worst things imo someone can do is throw something back in my face when iv confided or opened up to them. I could find a thousand other words to hurt before i used what they told me against them. Having digs about me needing to get more therapy and how i speak psychology bullsh*t etc. Yes it does hurt.  I just wanted to believe in the fairytale still.

Movementforthebetter, thank you, yes it does hurt when they try to just dismiss. Thats what he does a lot during arguments anyway.
Youre right i been thinking the same, i just gotts concentrate on me and the kids. Thats were my energy should be. Thank you.

meursault, i know its the right thing to do and i realise iv made a boundary and its very new ground. iv had a couple of partners that invalidated my feelings in the past. Probably why i try not to have them (feelings)

I do appreciate you guys taking time out to reply to me when i know you all have your plates full too. I think you youre all amazing.
 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:
Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: Three Roses on August 21, 2016, 04:01:25 AM
 :hug:  :hug:
Title: Re: Why do they do this?
Post by: Joeybird on October 05, 2016, 08:19:36 AM
You did the right thing. It will take some time to heal, but life is better without toxic people around.