Just in case anyone needs one. I need one.
Me too. I'm having a terrible time right now. I am just falling to pieces in terror about my upcoming court stuff, and just chaotic agony, panic, self-loathing and brokenness with need for affection and intimacy.
I wish someone would love me, and I think I could bear anything. Just some woman smiling at me or caressing my arm, or interested in talking to me would fortify me for a while, at least.
Meursault
Right, I have been in therapy for a year and I crashed again. At the beginning of August I was doing so well and then it all fell apart. Some days I think there is no way for me ever to be happy.
i'm standing right next to all of you. i seemed to be doing so well, really making my way out, feeling positive about it all, and it just feels like it's crumbling again. tense, miserable, feeling sick again.
:( Sorry so many are also struggling. I hear you.
Whether he means it to come across this way or not, I've been getting some strong signals from my husband to hurry up and get better. I'm sure he means to be encouraging. How can I expect him to understand since he says he can't relate to what I'm going thru, personally. So I've been in a funk for a few days. Or possibly longer, haha.
My back is out so I'm spending a lot of non-productive time which also makes me feel like :pissed:
I used to bake when I got this way but that only made me larger. :P
This community feels very real to me; I find myself wondering from time to time about a poster, wondering how they are now, or missing someone who hasn't been on/posting lately.
I feel like I don't say things very well, either speaking or writing. But each one of you is important, your happiness is important; I just want to say thank you to those who are here. Your insights and stories have been so important to me. And Hello to the lurkers! :heythere:
there are times when i think this would be easier on my own, other times when i'm grateful my hub is around. but, the other night he emotionally sucker-punched me just when i've been thinking that i can un-tense myself, begin relaxing my body (which has been in fight or flight mode for waaaaay too long), get off my 'always alert' wagon, then this happened. about a half hour later, i looked down, my fists were clenched. that hadn't happened in quite a while.
we got it straightened out the next day, but i'm feeling hyper alert again, and i hate it. when there's another person involved on a day to day basis, it's unpredictable. those are the times i wish i had a dog.
I love you all, thank you for being here xx
Dogs are the best! Animals in general, but dogs are my favorite.
If only getting better was a linear path! Please don't feel your not getting better you will! Discovering what is wrong with you is half way to getting better! I once told my T what everyone here is saying and she asked me "would you have preferred not to know?".
I was 58 when I discovered I had CPTSD, I'd spent my whole life suffering this c**p and blaming myself. Count how many years you took to get here and think how long it might take to 'fully' recover? Don't lose heart the journey is long and arduous and needs baby steps.
Hugs to everyone who is travelling this very mountainous territory :hug:
Well said Sweetsixty :hug: half the battle is definitely the diagnosis and i cant describe the feeling of knowing i wasnt 'broken ' after all.
i do feel like i'm broken. i don't believe i'll ever get 'well'. long and arduous journey! yeah, and i'll be 70 next year, i don't have all that much time left, which is why i keep pushing myself. i've come a long way, even before i realized about the c-ptsd. now it explains a lot, and i'm grateful for knowing. but that doesn't heal my brain, doesn't heal the damage done to my system, and i'm not young enough to be able to turn those things around. wow! what a downer i'm on right now. i know i need to get back to therapy, and hopefully it will only be another month.
in the meantime, i'm doing what i can with what i know. i don't want to learn anymore right now - i know enough. i stay away from many postings because of the emotions they will bring up - not triggers, per se, but empathetic emotions. i'm hangin' on by my fingertips right now. this has been the worst ride of my life. i'm on hiatus for the moment, trying to give myself a break. onward.
Mourning Dove - are you ok today? This is a good thread because it IS so needed sometimes. How are YOU doing?
We may not be able to fix a darn thing, but at least we can hear you and let you know you matter!
QuoteHow are YOU doing?
I wouldn't know where to begin, but thank you very much for asking, Wife#2. :hug:
Cheers, mourningdove. Hope you find some relief!
Meursault
Thanks, Meursalt! I hope you find some relief, too. :hug:
Quote from: mourningdove on September 19, 2016, 10:01:23 PM
QuoteHow are YOU doing?
I wouldn't know where to begin, but thank you very much for asking, Wife#2. :hug:
Plumping up some pillows, blankets and throwing down some mattresses - to help make your landing easier. We all free-fall sometimes. Just know that there are people in this world who give a d**n how you feel and what you're going through. You matter and regardless of how bad you think/know it is right now, we'll be here beside you.
Sure, we clicked on this thread because we're having our own setbacks. That just means we really do get it. When you're ready, we'll be here. :hug:
Right here too Mourningdove and sending you (and everyone) much support :hug:
To everyone who feels they aren't recovering -- setbacks are horrible, but they aren't unusual. The good news is that they are temporary. When I'm in one, I try to stay away from thinking gloomy things, and sometimes I can. I've been in therapy three years now, and I'm so much better in many ways. But every time I come up against the wall of knowing that I won't go back to the person I used to be, it takes me a couple of day to recover.
Hello
I dont know if this will help anyone or not, but I think its useful to ignore the claims lots of therapies, and sometimes therapists, make about how long it should take to get better. Its something I've seen myself from experience, and which I was amazed (and slightly depressed) when I saw it in black and white in Pete Walker's book - recovery can take many many years, especially when we are all trying to recover in a system of treatment that is barely at the point of truly recognising it, still arguing over what it is and whether it exists.
I guess the following is a list of daft rabbit holes, stuff that's worked and things to avoid I wish I had known many years ago :doh: May not apply to anyone else at all, maybe some of it, maybe all of it.. hope its helpful.
I have been having therapy and medications of different sorts since I was 21, and I am 38 now. Ive had three or four years of CBT, three years of Schema Therapy, 2.5 years of Client Centred Counselling and 2 years of Coherence Therapy (a trauma centred therapy which is a bit experimental and ironically, was meant to be "brief" :bigwink: ). The biggest piece of advice I can give is to trust your gut on what it is you need to do. CBT is very "heady". Its all about thoughts - but with CPTSD and the disconnection from feelings, most of the time you may not know what you are thinking or feeling. So if you need to go down more into your body, follow that. Have the courage to tell your CBT therapist that working in thoughts and behaviours just is not working right now.
Client centred was very good, because it allowed me to just "be". Very validating, helped me to explore and deepen. No challenging, no behavioural plans which I had no clue how to connect to my emotions. Schema was an inbetween - a lot of stuff from the past, though ultimately we were working with a misdiagnosis of BPD, which I do not have. This caused more damage than it provided healing.
Coherence really ended up just being someone nice to talk to. Again there was more deepening, validation and allowing to be. Out of my own research I found "focusing" by Eugene Gendlin, which really, REALLY helped with making sense of all the nameless pain and emotion I had struggled for years with. Its like mindfulness, but does way more than mindfulness as it is more directed rather than all-accepting, which can ultimately be fruitless.
If you are feeling stuck, listen to your gut of where you think you need to go. It may be your body, not your head. It may be you need to go towards anger, not acceptance. You may need to rage, not meditate. Seeing all of this stuff validated in Pete's book was both validating and frustrating - things I had learned the hard way to be true. If you have not read it, I would highly recommend reading his book Surviving To Thriving. There's some bits of it that don't really work for me, and other bits that are extremely helpful.
At the moment I am stuck on fighting the inner critic in order to give way to grieving, as the critic part is just as fierce as ever. His recommendation just for this stage is essentially CBT type thought challenging, and thankfully as the other therapies have freed up emotions and the ability to name them, this step feels possible now.
Recovery is like a rubiks cube. If you feel like you keep twiddling the same face and are getting nowhere, switch tactics, and try to take as many paths at it as you can. And .. beware of panacea, beware of "5 step processes", beware of anything that claims its easy. There really isnt an easy way - there's only the combination that works for you.
Don't get attached to a therapy or approach. Its easy to find something that helps, and believe it is the One True Way, become evangelical about it. It helps with motivation to stick with it, but it can also make you ignore what's NOT working and become too invested in "selling" it to others, perhaps even make forays into becoming The Guru (looks at self in mirror :| )
Oh, and if you're a perfectionist or people pleaser - be careful not to try and be "good at therapy" and get an 'A' from your therapist :D Its the one place you really need to be emotionally honest, be free to screw up, be lazy, be whatever. One quote I remember reading - "therapy doesn't really begin until the client gets angry with the therapist". Worth bearing in mind :)
Sending love to all. I often feel much the same. But please remember that everyday you wake up is a day you are recovering, it isn't a quick process, and every day is a step.
I posted earlier in this thread, feeling like I wasn't recovering. Looking back, that wasn't true. I was in a hard spot. The other day I told my son he could chose to reply to the numerous and irrational texts from his dad or he didn't have to. The choice was his, he didn't even have to read them. I also told him I am not telling him to not see his dad, but I want him to know it is a choice. Then I stepped back and realized that a year ago I would have been in a panic feeling like I needed to please his dad, in fear of making him angry. I would of also tried to get my son to do what his dad wanted, again in a panic mode. I'm not doing that now, it is huge progress.
Biscuits - I laughed when I saw the comment on perfectionism and people pleasing. The first time my therapist gave me a book to read, I read it twice in a week and made notes. She explained that isn't what she wants. I still try to please, but she sees through it. In fact, she has worked with my dietitian to communicate they are not looking for a good student. My dietitian now asks if I did something for me or to please her. I am doing a few months of IRT (image rehearsal therapy) and I was given a paper to write imagery of a safe place. I of course typed it, reviewed it, edited and edited. She read it and went on and on that it was very, very good. She hasn't got the message yet :) It will be nice when the day comes that I understand I don't have to prove myself. I suspect that is going to be harder because that goes back to guilt and shame.
Quote from: Dee on November 14, 2016, 02:53:08 PM
I posted earlier in this thread, feeling like I wasn't recovering. Looking back, that wasn't true. I was in a hard spot. The other day I told my son he could chose to reply to the numerous and irrational texts from his dad or he didn't have to. The choice was his, he didn't even have to read them. I also told him I am not telling him to not see his dad, but I want him to know it is a choice. Then I stepped back and realized that a year ago I would have been in a panic feeling like I needed to please his dad, in fear of making him angry. I would of also tried to get my son to do what his dad wanted, again in a panic mode. I'm not doing that now, it is huge progress.
Biscuits - I laughed when I saw the comment on perfectionism and people pleasing. The first time my therapist gave me a book to read, I read it twice in a week and made notes. She explained that isn't what she wants. I still try to please, but she sees through it. In fact, she has worked with my dietitian to communicate they are not looking for a good student. My dietitian now asks if I did something for me or to please her. I am doing a few months of IRT (image rehearsal therapy) and I was given a paper to write imagery of a safe place. I of course typed it, reviewed it, edited and edited. She read it and went on and on that it was very, very good. She hasn't got the message yet :) It will be nice when the day comes that I understand I don't have to prove myself. I suspect that is going to be harder because that goes back to guilt and shame.
Lol aww I think thats cool they do that :) it sounds like your therapist really understands you, that's so awesome. I think one thing that helps with stopping it is exhausting yourself. Imma guy, and used to work for the oil industry. Its a place that either holds people up as utter perfection incarnate, or puts them on the floor as a piece of *. Its very weird like that, cutthroat I guess and very narcissistic.
If your face fits, you are more likely to get into the shiny group, but if it doesn't, you're never going to. I was the face doesn't fit type, and it was just so exhausting trying to be shiny, that in the end I just said "* it, I am out of energy for this". It was kind of liberating, I didn't have to try anymore. Its maybe harder when you are in an environment that rewards people pleasing because the good feelings it gives keeps you going back I guess. When the well is utterly dry, it forces you to go and look for sustenance somewhere else I suppose. Its just very very hard to find what that source is (or maybe, recognise when you've found it? Not sure).
Biscuits--what a fantastic summary of recovery road (or whatever we choose to call it en route to...something beyond fill in the blanks (recovery, self-discovery, plodding along, etc.). Sometimes it feels nothing like recovery is 'supposed' to. Maybe the 'supposed to' part needs tweaking? Maybe even take the name 'recovery' off the street sign?
I've spent umpteen years on the road myself, always sure I'd find the eureka moment when it would all end. As Biscuits said, "If you feel like you keep twiddling the same face and are getting nowhere, switch tactics, and try to take as many paths at it as you can. And .. beware of panacea, beware of "5 step processes", beware of anything that claims its easy. There really isnt an easy way - there's only the combination that works for you."
I would add another quality worth considering--be ready and willing to be surprised. I had this perfect picture of how it should all go, and so aware of what all the risks of everything was (I'd look those up first!) that I'd freeze in place (well...I am a prototypical freezer in Walker's typology; but no excuse just because I have those characteristics). The trick is to work with what's there and then see (the gut reaction part) if your direction still seems like the right one. And it may be, for quite a while, achingly confusing and it'll feel like 'giving up' time...again. The risks are fraught with the unknown, but what I sense in the confusion is there might just be, must be, something or a combo platter of things that will help me ease out of the pain.
One of my own biggest surprises was finding this forum. As in...what, we're allowed to talk about this...we can...there are others plodding this forsaken path too...? Since then, just that one stumble has opened the mind/spirit to consider that maybe there is help in unforeseen places, perhaps unexpected out-of-the-blue places.
Way before I found the cptsd diagnosis, I used my employment (actor amongst other better-paying gigs, lol) to cover over a lot of the pain; and thought yeah, I'm over what I was feeling. Wrong!!! The Inner Critic, though, also loves that word...so let's try another...Patience. And along with it a way to laugh about it--for us perfectionists, that also works wonders.
It's all edgy, though. The hurdles seem to just get moved further down the track. That's if we over-analyze. I don't want to just 'go with the flow', though. But I do feel the need to press on. My descriptive word for this is...Perseverance .
Back to surprises--if I don't define with certainty what 'recovery' is supposed to be, the best surprise of all would be to get there and not know it, but feel it. And feelings!--oh how I've been so far from them, stuck in numbness for so long.
Thanks again, Biscuits...and Mourning Dove and everyone on this thread, for opening up an important aspect tied to those nefarious 'gut instincts' spoken of. None of us are there, in the sense of feeling complete. Sadly, I guess it doesn't work that way. Not so sadly, we might discover the real 'me' that's always been there; the better 'me' that reflects the truth beyond the lies and setbacks we grew up with.
QuoteOne of my own biggest surprises was finding this forum. As in...what, we're allowed to talk about this...we can...there are others plodding this forsaken path too...? Since then, just that one stumble has opened the mind/spirit to consider that maybe there is help in unforeseen places, perhaps unexpected out-of-the-blue places.
The shock, relief and validation I felt when I discovered there were others like me - thanks woodsgnome
Today I am reminded of how broken and hurting I am. Its been two years and I just want to feel better. I want the strength to move on from this.
A huge thank you to everyone on this thread. Although it makes me cry it is so validating for me to hear of the honesty of your struggles. Sometimes it is crushing for me to converse with people who solidly wear their mask (in my own life). Here on the forum people may be at different stages, sometimes needing support, at others giving it, however to realize I am not alone today is enough. Can't thank you enough. :thumbup:
:hug:
....and another one :hug:
Its hard for me to feel like I'm offering support when I don't often get support or I feel like anything that I might say is grossly inadequate or sounds shallow so though I've read many posts I may only lurk around without responding.
I appreciate this thread. Reading it helped me feel a little better, which I've been working on all morning (trying to make myself feel like myself again and not just a jumbled mess). Reading everyone's comments about how they're at different places and seeing people who might be close to my place in trying to healing helped stop the topple I've been in.
Is it possible to ever fully recover? I am an eternal optimist (only way I have survived) I lived in robot mode until I had kids and wanted things to be different and teach them emotions ect and then secrets spilled out (only therapist know my history). I thought eventually after telling, I'd get to a point with no nightmares, hypervillance, anxiety and panic attacks. It has been almost 2 years. How long does this taken. Disclaimer I never processed anything before, I also never spoken about anything outloud-I write everything down, I choke on words. My diagnosis are anxiety, ptsd (chronic), OCD: jinxed and researching. Why can't I just make myself better?! I feel ridiculous, like this should be easier. So frustrated with myself
Hello and welcome, Missingmermaid! I'm glad you're here.
Yes, healing and recovery are possible. Some exciting discoveries are being made about the brain and its ability to regenerate itself. This is referred to as the neuroplasticity of the brain, and there are articles on this site and others that will give you more info.
It is important, tho, to progress at your own pace.
Good luck to you in your quest for healing. Thanks for joining us! :wave:
Quote from: TheDamagedDiamond on December 10, 2016, 08:30:25 PM
or I feel like anything that I might say is grossly inadequate or sounds shallow so though I've read many posts I may only lurk around without responding.
I feel like this a lot. You're not alone, Diamond.
:hug:
http://jamesclear.com/marginal-gains
I thought i would share this article to help you all see how great you are doing. Little steps, tiny tiny steps make a huge difference. Love to you all xx
:hug:
Lost my way a little in the lead up to Christmas. Not my favorite time. Thought I would check the forum. Now I feel connected again. Thanks to all. :)
:hug:
Thank you for this thread. I feel in like company here. I lurk alot and compose responses in my mind, but back away from posting nearly every time. Guess that means that no, not getting better over here.
Got a big extra hit of long distance invalidation from my Dad this morning, so I'm glad to have a place to "hang out" (i.e., lurk) where I can at least imagine that it's probably safe to do so, even if no one has any idea I'm here. LOL yet another habit of mine that I need to break...staying invisible as possible.
I hope everyone found at least a small spot of joy this Christmas.
I hope you did, too, Gentian :hug:
Quote from: Gentian on December 26, 2016, 09:14:59 PM
I lurk alot and compose responses in my mind, but back away from posting nearly every time.
I do this a lot. Glad you posted here, Gentian! :)
p.s. I love the quote in your signature line.
My partner is out of town, deadlines at work are looming, I'm ridiculously upset at myself because of a request from my partner, I'm in the middle of switching SSRIs, my work computer has me locked out, the weather is incredibly icy and dangerous, I have a headache, and to top it all off, my pet had a still birth and seems very depressed. Her ears are tucked far back and she is sitting in a corner constantly.
I had a nervous breakdown last October and I haven't gotten back up. I am deeply depressed and easily triggered to feeling very badly about myself. I have to fight to keep from withdrawing from people, and it isn't working. I go to work, come home, and go to bed and read our play computer games. I take sleeping pills to end the day sooner. It's tempting to drink away my pain, but that just gives me a headache.
I am not moving forward!
I am not in a good place right now.
Big hug to you, BrokenDollMagnet. Hang in there! We're hanging in there with you. :hug:
Quote from: Sweetsixty on September 18, 2016, 06:29:47 AMCount how many years you took to get here and think how long it might take to 'fully' recover? Don't lose heart the journey is long and arduous and needs baby steps.
Aaaaarghhh! :stars:
I've been in one long EF for about 18 months now, my circumstances worsening all the time. I am pinning my slender hope on trauma counselling that hasn't started yet. And I'm already scared the therapist will say something ignorant or dismissive in the first five minutes.
Just hanging on, here. And hanging out on this forum where I'm guaranteed people will understand. What a haven this is! Hugs to all who feel like giving up...
I'm going to see my usual therapist again soon, probably Monday, if she's available. She's good for making me feel that my emotions are valid and my pain is real.
I wish you luck in seeing a new one. It's like finding a glove that fits. Most therapists are helpful, but only to those who are a good fit. A glove that's too large is still a perfectly good glove, but it will only hinder you.
Please keep that in mind. It's ok to not feel a good fit with a therapist. They don't have to be 'bad' for you to keep shopping for a more compatible therapist.
(I'm just bringing this up because I've stayed with incompatible therapists because they weren't bad, but they weren't helping as much as others could. )
Sometimes I wish I was still oblivious to how broken I am and how much work I have to do to heal.
Feeling so overwhelmed and wondering if it's worth it.
I think it is! I'm worth the effort and so are you!
Well, I am actually recovering bit by bit. But it doesn't feel that way right now. I've come to an impasse as usual. The worst part is things could be better if I picked myself up and got on with a few activities, even 'simple' things like, um, showering and washing my hair. For want of an embarrassed emoticon, I'll use :whistling: I guess there's probably a reason for the lack of embarrassed emoticom on here.
Unfortunately showering and washing my hair are hardly ever that simple. They take quite a lot out of me, energy-wise. So I guess I could admit that to myself instead of dumping on myself.
Blueberry - wise realization! Because other people are not you, what they can or can't do has NO bearing on who you are and what you can/can't do. If showering and washing your hair is an accomplishment for you, then :cheer: :waveline: because you actually DID get it done.
There are some who just aren't ready to recover yet. That's really fine. That's their lives, their reality and it's the best they can do - just staying alive one more day.
You are, it sounds like, just with lots of forward and backward. Guess what? That makes YOU completely normal and in lots of company, besides.
One of my favorite things about this website is that we are all allowed to be where we are, without judgment.
Though I am very capable of showering and washing my hair with relative ease, I also have had days where that much effort was more than I could do. How much more so for you, who struggle?
I'm just so glad you felt up to posting. It helps us feel connected and better to know that we are not alone. Even on the bad days. Especially on the bad days. ::: Hugs ::: I hope your day improves, at least in your ability to be OK with who you are today.
Thanks wife#2 for the cheers and the wave. I finally showered and washed my hair today.
Thank you also for the validation that I am on the road to recovery, but just with lots of forward and backward and that that's completely normal round here. Usually I can only work on one or two things at once. So in my psyche there's quite a lot going on and I'm still managing my work but then I can't keep up with personal hygiene.
:hug: to you and I wish you a good day as well.
I feel I am not recovering. I have been battling anxiety and depression for most of my life. Last year I discovered I had C-PTSD due to childhood bulling, child sexual abuse, and growing up in a domestic violent environment; as well as ongoing trauma of domestic violence in my adult life, rape and the murder of my second child when he was a baby at the age of 6 months. I have been receiving counselling for the past five years. I have tried to go back to study after raising my children, but have not been able to complete my studies due to anxiety and depression. I am currently taking medication prescribed by my psychiatrist and it is increasing my anxiety due to my religious beliefs that it is wrong to put unclean substances into my body. Counselling only helps for a short time and often increases my anxiety and depression due to reliving the trauma and increasing my triggers. I have applied for the disability support pension as I am unable to work due to my anxiety and depression; but have been told that my application has been rejected due to the fact that they think I will be able to work within a two year period, with further treatment and medication. I do not believe I will be capable of getting a job within that period of time. I have asked my psychiatrist to write a letter to explain that further counselling and medication will not improve my condition within 2 years; but he has said that he can not do that because he has not been treating me for long enough. My psychologist has said that I need long term psychotherapy over several years to be able to manage my day to day stressors and triggers, however, she can not write a letter to support my claim because she is not a clinical psychologist yet. She is on the register for clinical psychology and is supervised by a clinical psychologist, but still has four months left before she can be a registered clinical psychologist; therefore, they will not accept a report from her. Right now I feel like I will never get better. The stress is too much for me. I have also recently been diagnosed angina, which is stress related. My psychiatrist has increased my medication, which I do not think will help as it will probably cause me to be more anxious or it will cause me to be emotionally numb or will make me lethargic and not able to do anything. I told him I want to try a natural way of treating my anxiety and depression and he told me I was just wasting his time; which made me even more anxious and depressed. I feel like everything is hopeless. I am 61 in a few weeks and I feel like I will never be able to gain employment because of my anxiety and because I have not been employed in over 40 years. I have no experience and my fears are overwhelming.
I hear you, Inneedofhelp.
Sorry that you are having such a difficult and scary time. :( Is it possible to switch to a different psychiatrist? The comment about you "wasting his time" is a big red flag, in my opinion. You deserve so much better than that.
Not sure where you are, but I know that disability applications are usually rejected the first time in the US. Most people have to appeal. Will your counselor be able to write you the requisite letter when she gets her credentials in four months? Or is it possible for her clinical supervisor to write the letter?
You're not alone. :hug:
right now i feel like i'm recovering emotionally, but physically i'm getting worse. i'm doing what i can, but it doesn't seem to be enough. i can feel my eye going bad, and that's scaring the bejeezus out of me. i hate this crapola! i really thought that with emotional recovery my physical side would begin to right itself. i was wrong.
and now my hub has to do antibiotic eye drops every 4 hrs. for another week. my sleep is so mucked up this month, my eating is out of whack, i'm gaining weight, and i feel pretty miserable most of the time. i just want it to end.
:hug: sanmagic
Quote from: Blueberry on March 06, 2017, 12:09:48 AM
Well, I am actually recovering bit by bit. But it doesn't feel that way right now. I've come to an impasse as usual. The worst part is things could be better if I picked myself up and got on with a few activities, even 'simple' things like, um, showering and washing my hair. For want of an embarrassed emoticon, I'll use :whistling: I guess there's probably a reason for the lack of embarrassed emoticom on here.
Unfortunately showering and washing my hair are hardly ever that simple. They take quite a lot out of me, energy-wise. So I guess I could admit that to myself instead of dumping on myself.
5 months later, I could write almost the same post.
I feel I'm not recovering atm and that it's my fault. I almost feel like throwing in the towel, not life's towel. But just going back to FOO and saying "OK you win. I can't survive without you after all." I am not going to do that. But I feel they were right in some respects. I AM indolent, I'm being that way atm. Or is that just depression? Anyway there are things I could be doing to better my lot atm but I'm not doing them. I need to take responsibility for my own life and future, but I'm not doing so.
Quote from: Blueberry on August 12, 2017, 09:50:37 PM
... going back to FOO and saying "OK you win. I can't survive without you after all." I am not going to do that. But I feel they were right in some respects.
Oh, sweetheart. What you're calling indolence, and the feeling that you're not taking responsibility, are the results of what They taught you about yourself. All of us here have seen the Blueberry who
runs her own business. That's industry and accountability in one hit, more than anything I could aim at.
Please be kinder to yourself. :bighug:
Quote from: Candid on August 13, 2017, 01:01:13 PM
Please be kinder to yourself. :bighug:
This is what a friend told me today too. I reached her by phone. CPTSD too. I don't think anybody else would understand me atm. Since two of you have said it, it's probably not a coincidence.
I finally had a bath and washed my hair, at another friend's place. When she's on holiday, I'm allowed to use her bath and do. Somehow easier for me than showering. Idk why but it doesn't really matter.
Quote from: Candid on August 13, 2017, 01:01:13 PM
Oh, sweetheart. What you're calling indolence, and the feeling that you're not taking responsibility, are the results of what They taught you about yourself. All of us here have seen the Blueberry who runs her own business. That's industry and accountability in one hit, more than anything I could aim at.
Hmm. I'll try and believe you here. It's good you wrote it anyway. Sometime it'll filter through the depressive layers.
Showers are for getting clean, nothing more. Lingering in a nice warm tub shifts from self-care to self-nurturing. I'm glad you did that.
Thank you for making this thread, it made me feel less alone to read it. I'm completely sick of hearing about recovering/recovered people lately, not here per say, but as a pervasive cultural thing. Not that I'm not happy for them, but if I see one more grinning amputee on a surfboard I'm going to barf. The spotlight always seems to be on the happy/triumphant/bittersweet/poetic etc. tail end of what was probably years of suffering/work for that person. :snort:
Not everyone who is f---ed up is already in the process of recovering. Some days (or years) we're still just in the middle of stagnant suffering. It doesn't make a very fun or compelling story arc- "I was f---ed up, I'm still f---ed up, also going to be f---ed up tomorrow too, if you're interested." But sometimes that's how life is, and it would feel less awful down in the stagnant mire if it weren't for the weird pressure to live out some scripted r*** survivor hero journey.
Ha, there - can't even type the r-word, probably won't be able to tomorrow either, and probably won't be embarking on a crusade to change that anytime in the foreseeable future. I will, however, try to be better at remembering to brush my teeth. :udaman:
I relate to this a lot, Frederica. Could have written that post myself. Sometimes you're happy for recovering people, sometimes you just wish they'd leave you the f--- alone with their optimism.
Frederica, I hear you.
:bighug:
Good to know others feel the same at times.
I feel like I can't get better. I watch everyone around me laughing and living but then there I am. I feel so different than everyone around me and I know they are sick of me not getting better. I keep trying to tell myself that dealing with CPTSD is a long and hard process and that I am doing the best that I can but I feel like it's never good enough. That and living with my narcissist mother who is the cause of my CPTSD makes recovery that much harder. I'm feeling so miserable. Thank you to everyone posting on this site. It makes me feel less crazy and less alone. :yourock:
I don't think I m getting better, I am like a heartbeat that goes up and goes down. When I'm down I can't think of going up again, I think of all manner of terrible ways to end it all. I'm still here though so who knows.
It's hard to feel hope when you're down. But you do say, you "go up and down." I've seen you reach out with compassion and genuine concern here; there is hope and healing! Hang on, the upswing is on its way. ;)
Silentrhino, I am sorry you feel this way. Thinking about ways to end it, is IMO natural, after abuse, and something else than acting on it. Feeling anger after abuse can turn inside, at yourself. Maybe it's time to talk about your anger with your T and let a professional help you with that.
Lingurine
Lostinthedark, if it's appropriate, here's :hug: :hug:
You are so right, healing from CPTSD is a long slog. Two steps forward, three steps back, a few sideways, and then forwards again. Some of us on here have been doing it for years. Younger people are often luckier, they often get the correct diagnosis earlier and then the appropriate treatment.
Anyway, it sounds to me as if you really know yourself that you are making progress, it's just that the people around you can't see it. Or won't see it. Ignore them as best you can.
We are here for you, post away! It helps. All the best, hope to see you around here.
Silentrhino,
I'm sorry you feel so low atm. :bighug: But you write things go up and down. So they can go up again.
Things go up again for me by themselves. My T recently explained why that is. So not just my observation.
You've posted compassionate replies to me before, I think on SI. Some time you'll have the compassion for yourself. Hang in there. I believe in you and I'm rooting for you. If you like :grouphug: if not, ignore.
Blueberry
Thank you, it's a new day. Hopefully a better day, trying to get some better control of my emotional state today. I find I get triggered by invalidating. I don't go around whinging about my life, but sometimes even at work a trivial remark will set me spiraling. I am working with some much younger more conceited people. They invalidate me at times and usually I don't care because I know the game they're playing but at times it hits a nerve root of being invalidated for bigger things, like being injured, humiliated and scorned just for daring to exist. Then I can't stop.
Quote from: silentrhino on October 08, 2017, 04:07:50 PM
I find I get triggered by invalidating. ... sometimes even .. a trivial remark will set me spiraling. .. They invalidate me at times and usually I don't care because I know the game they're playing but at times it hits a nerve root of being invalidated for bigger things, like being injured, humiliated and scorned just for daring to exist.
Sounds familiar. The only thing I can say is that it has got somewhat better over time, without my consciously working on it.
Continued good wishes to you!