I think I want to try journaling again. I used to journal a whole bunch when I was a kid but around middle and high school my parents would read through them often and confront me about things I had written (I think it was mostly because of swearing and pinpointed numerous "negative" feelings I "shouldn't" have been having, another point confronting and questioning about my sexual orientation and by the time I was 17 I stopped writing journals or (recently) struggled to just write positively. So this is kind of tough. But there's a lot of things I need, and I know one thing for sure is I really need is to have a space where I can safely organize my thoughts. Hopefully establish some goals (already it feels overwhelming). I've blogged about it, but I want to clean up that blog and return to it when I know things in my life have positively changed, that I can actually feel it and see those changes.
The garden I'm living in is rather decayed (ha, I must be a wilted tea rose then!), lots of intrusive weeds sucking away energy and the like, and I hope to be able to leave, whether on my own terms or not (part of me hopes for the latter to justify my own anger and sadness) and move on to root myself in a new garden and be and feel cared for and care for others in healthy ways.
I want to be serious about this. While I don't have method of transportation on my own terms (I rely on father) or ability/finances/support to go to therapy, I would like to really be committed to something. I think my attempts to cope in the last couple months really failed because I gave up too quick, overwhelmed with the feeling that I may not make it out. Logically... I think I will. On some terms, I'm not sure right now. In my heart, it's hard, like optimism was stolen from me but I have to regain that in time, and not rush and give up if progress isn't visible.
At first I wasn't sure what I might journal about, but I think I know now. I know people in my FOO aren't changeable. It really hurts, feeling like they have never cared outside of "obligatory family love/care." I still haven't accepted that yet :'( But I know I can change myself (I've done so many times, but that's a topic for another entry).
I want to start letting my friends know about things that I need. I do have a lot of issues with guilt and feeling selfish if I ask for things I never got growing up or even nowadays. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or like I'm being unusually needy and strange (I don't really ask for much to be honest... I think I'm kind of easygoing in safe environments and have always tried to be self-sufficient... but being self-sufficient... isn't sufficing.
I also don't want to be uncomfortable asking these things if I know or feel it will benefit me. Some things I'd like to be able to ask my friends (hopefully before the year ends):
- communication at least twice a week, once if possible
I think I have some issues with object constancy issue? (Not taking validation well? Possible object constancy issue? (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?t%20pic=4834.0)) but I feel I maybe I just need to hear more from them, and learn to actively reach out myself and not waiting alone and thinking I've been abandoned.
- reach out if I've seemed to isolate myself again
I've always been one of those children (and now adults) who cried alone in their room at night wishing somebody could just reach out and be there. validation is a hard thing, and these days with all my intrusive thoughts it's getting harder and harder to believe them, but I think normalizing contact with good people will help me.
I think that's all I can jot on that topic for now. I'm kind of feeling a bit anxious about journaling suddenly... like I want to or need to get this right since I feel and said I feel like I need to be more serious about it. I wish I was better at long term goal planning. I've recently felt like I tend to just coast along and not really being in much control unless it was an immediate, short term thing, and kind of going day by day. Anything more I feel so overwhelmed and immediately exhausted because any changes or plans weren't happening right then, right that second. But I hope this journal can help me organize better and feel more committed... to myself. I should be honest with myself and understand that... despite it being because of trauma, I've done quite a bit for people in my life, especially my family. And even now, I'm going beyond what I think I should be doing, and for once I really need to focus on myself.
:cheer:
I love flowers!
Tea-the-art,
I'm so proud of you for taking a first step in recovering and taking care of yourself!
Journaling can be awfully hard, can't it? That's terrible what your family did. I'm sorry. :hug: You CAN do this, though, even if it's just a few lines or even a sketch at a time.
And I believe you will get a nicer garden. I'm still waiting and praying for one, too. And I believe we'll get them.
Quote from: Three Roses on September 28, 2016, 11:51:06 PM
:cheer:
I love flowers!
I do too! pansies, zinnias and alyssum are my favorites!
Quote from: writetolife on September 29, 2016, 05:57:20 AM
Tea-the-art,
I'm so proud of you for taking a first step in recovering and taking care of yourself!
Journaling can be awfully hard, can't it? That's terrible what your family did. I'm sorry. :hug: You CAN do this, though, even if it's just a few lines or even a sketch at a time.
And I believe you will get a nicer garden. I'm still waiting and praying for one, too. And I believe we'll get them.
thank you for understanding! i truly appreciate your support :sunny: it's taken me years to come to realizing that my FOO only wanted to hear and see that I was happy, but never caring or getting angry if I showed, felt, or wrote that I was feeling negative emotions. Just last year I realized this, and still struggle to express negativity without feeling guilt or shame. I think we all will get a better garden too!
Yesterday and today have been so much better than the two weeks. I reached out to my friend Peach (a fellow artist I met online last fall. she's such a sunshine and is so nice to talk to! we both talk a lot) to try and un-isolate myself. She was really understanding and offered to give me space (though I really just needed to communicate more) and most of the day we sent messages about watercolor paints (I recommended her a set I had) and for the whole day I was feeling so good.
Today (as I write this actually), I'm still feeling good, but I'm very wary of losing the feeling. This happens time to time, in the last 4 months, every other week I would go from very happy, cheery, and/or just content.. to feeling really down, often empty, dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts, self doubt, guilt about family, etc.
I wonder if this is why I was isolating myself. Even after the negativity had passed. I don't want to approach this in a "enjoy it while it lasts" manner, and I don't want to coast my way through either. I'm not sure if coast is the right word here though. I think while I coast, I'm more inclined to watch TV or youtube videos, or scroll through tumblr kind of mindlessly just to pass time until I go to bed. Most of the time I daydream/daydream act (someone had asked me a while ago if I dissociated after I explained daydreaming but I don't know.. from what I've read prior and after being asked, I don't really know if any of that counts)
The days I don't daydream or force myself not to are really difficult. I feel kind of empty...floaty almost kind of waiting around for something to do. I feel really low-energy, very likely to stay seated on my bed (either daydreaming on and off or scrolling through tumblr for a couple hours). Sometimes I get up to go chat with mom and I'll feel elevated or until I go back to my room. Not really trying to be jokester-y with my brother considering he's very invalidating and it's tiring to be all smiles for him when he treats me like nothing. Sometimes I joke, but lately when I joke and it's ignored or brushed off, I start to tear up on my way back to my room. Ugh.. I hate that.
Yesterday was one of my best friends Rose's birthday. I texted her but didn't get a response. I hoped she was doing well. I know she has a party coming up but I don't know if I have the energy to make it this time. I should be honest with her about that, but ah...I don't want her to feel bad or that I might be lying.
Still have yet to speak with other best friends Zinnia, Pansy and MG. I want to but I feel like it won't change things. Or that I'll give up quickly and that will make them feel uncomfortable and make them stop trying for me. Is that selfish... I don't think I've been a good friend. I don't want to blame it on cptsd but everything feels so scary like I'm a child.
Also yesterday, after reaching out to Peach, I messaged my ex Lily. We're on good terms, though both mentally ill and trying to work on our own issues. Haven't gotten a response but I had waited almost 2 weeks to respond to her, and she may be struggling in a low mood the way I was. Currently not feeling bad about that. Trying to see it logically instead of as though I'm being rejected.
Last bit. I decided on a new goal. This will probably take some time and may happen after the other two goals I listed:
- work on removing self from daydreaming
There's a lot more thoughts on just that that I need to sort out.
ah I continue my chattiness. I remembered another goal after reading some posts in the "Friends" boards
- tell friends about cptsd, try explaining what that might mean for our relationships (and bounce off of asking things I need from them, how we can work together)
I think they're all understanding and aren't the types to walk out on me. Pansy and her brother MG have offered twice to move me out of my house (I rejected the first time, fearing I'd be abandoning my brother) but this time I wonder if it'll be it. I might know in the next month or two. They both understand my situation the best next to Lily, as we have shared experiences.
Zinnia's another story. we're long term friends but in the past as i tried to explain certain things to her (like why I sometimes go for weeks or months not speaking) it seemed as if I was being bothersome or that she was annoyed that I had some issue/s that affected me mentally, which would affect my relationship with her. we shall see.
Quote from: tea-the-artist on September 28, 2016, 11:33:06 PM
(I figured since I love painting flowers a lot, I'd make the subject garden-flower related?)
I think I want to try journaling again. I used to journal a whole bunch when I was a kid but around middle and high school my parents would read through them often and confront me about things I had written (I think it was mostly because of swearing and pinpointed numerous "negative" feelings I "shouldn't" have been having, another point confronting and questioning about my sexual orientation and by the time I was 17 I stopped writing journals or (recently) struggled to just write positively.
Tea, I hope you won't mind me only responding to this bit. Me and my brother experienced this too: no privacy whatsoever. Parents reading their children's diaries is a
huge massive violation of privacy. You say "I think it was mostly because...". There is
no because, EVER, for anyone to read your diary without your consent. I am not sure if you realise this yourself, I felt compelled to respond. It makes me :pissed:, this was a violation if your boundaries and privacy in my opinion.
Sorry to butt in like this.... Hope I didn't overstep..
Welcome to the forums, I hope you may find the support here that you need
annakoen! no no need to apologize! i really welcome any and all feedback (I'm trying not to feel bad for it but I really do need to feel like someone's out there listening to me and being understanding for once).
it took me some time, I think up to 2 years ago when I learned about what emotional abuse looks like, but I do understand it was a violation. at all the times I was confronted about my writings I was so outraged and embarrassed to tears and because they didn't realize or care that they were seriously overstepping boundaries, I've really done a lot of anger suppression over the last decade (since I started middle school). I didn't realize my wording made it seem like I justified them doing that. perhaps internally I do on some level feel that way. In so many ways I feel disrespected, but I guess I focused more on the fact that they didn't want me to express and feel any negativity. but I suppose also if they weren't the type to disrespect and violate my privacy, then things would definitely be much different.
also please again don't feel like you're butting in! i really appreciate you having Little Tea's back! it's so important for me to know others would have her/my back! thanks for the welcome as well! i'm already feeling so supported! :sunny:
I might have made a new discovery! Another chatty day :blahblahblah:
Last night was quite confusing for me, I think for the first time I tried to reach out to my inner child. a dismissive comment from my brother (kinda petty honestly) triggered an EF, and an unsure assumption on my dad not wanting to eat what I had made for dinner kind of pushed me over the edge. I ended up not wanting to eat and going upstairs to cry. but I started pacing and I thought "hey maybe this is my inner child feeling intense and alone and rejected, maybe I can say something to her" so I gave it a try and apologized. I realized a lot of my emotional suppression in recent years might have felt the same as how my FOO treated me as a child. so I ended up rejecting my IC. I don't know if I got to her but I did apologize, which made me cry even harder, and I acknowledge that I was doing to her what our (my?) FOO did to me. I felt I wanted to listen if she wanted to talk. I kind of rubbed my right thumb over the back of my left hand, to calm myself a little bit and it seemed to work.
A while later, I tried to write some questions and statements that I was there for her and tried to write any response with my left hand (a technique Kizzie talked about here: Neat Tool for IC Work (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=364.0)), and I felt really intensely sad at "Hello. May I talk with you?" I wrote "I don't know. I don't feel comfortable" and I asked why and I (she?) wrote "Don't leave." I wonder if I was starting to lose focus afterwards or just get tired (I'd been up since 5:45am and it was almost midnight at this time) but the only other response I got was "clear sky," to "What do you need from me at this time?" but it was more so an image in my mind? I felt and saw a lot of images to other questions but nothing was written down. It was mostly colors (paint? did she want to paint! I did offer to say we could sit and paint and watch a movie, but that didn't happen :'( ) and images of the sky (sunsets, which I love) and clouds moving across rapidly.
Eventually after sitting with my eyes closed for a while, I headed to bed. I'm very new to understanding all of this, but I felt bad for going to sleep. I didn't feel any intense sadness (none at all), but still. I hope she feels rested and knows that I want to do more work reaching out and connecting.
Also! This morning when I woke up a few hours ago (so early still) I did some more research on the 4F types and made some notes about which type/s I might be.
Freeze Type thoughts
- I resonated a lot with the freeze type. very unaware of inner critic projecting onto others (friends especially, but FOO too).
- seems like justification to isolae myself as I can "predict" or assume others will do what I projected onto them
- a sort of "let me isolate myself before they do that to me, because I know they will, they don't ask me what I need and aren't around all the time" method. I did mention this the other day, and that I'd like to stop isolating myself out of fear of abandonment by friends. never realized that was my inner critic ???
- perhaps am closer to finding out whether I really do dissociate. (will save this for a day and entry where I can solely focus on this alone)
Fawn Type thoughts
- without doubt resonated with fawn type. I'm not even going to question! definitely me
- no wonder I have been feeling no sense of self lately. I think I already started grieving that loss without realizing (or perhaps inner child).
- I'm totally not very assertive, I'd rather listen and do what people I care for would like than request for something I need. all my relationships, while I feel I talk about myself a lot, I am thinking of others. what could I paint this friend? should I do this for that friend even though I don't need to? I hope they're doing OK. maybe I should paint them something to make them feel better. these two are talking but So and So got interrupted so I'll speak with them first. (though I'm prone to being interrupted a lot and I don't say anything)
- I think I still fawn over dad and brother. needing to be the jokester with brother who always needed something bright in his live (over childhood, it seems I was trying to become that person despite our age gap of 5 years (he is older)).
- and needing to be nice or the Sweet Daughter with dad (to make sure no danger/hint of anger). I've always been Dear Daughter, even these days despite the very low interaction we have.
- looking back, I feel I was such a servant to these two all my life that I truly did forget myself.
- I even still feel selfish and ashamed for thinking I should be more assertive and think about the things I need and want
Quoted from Pete Walker's site:
Quote...and the fawn-freeze type who numbingly surrenders herself to scapegoating or to a narcissist's need to have a target for his rageaholic releases (the "classic" domestic violence victim)
This resonated so much with me! made me understand why I have once already rejected Pansy and MG's offer to let me move in with them away from this toxic home! And why I have not already said "Yes!" the second time they asked me (last month) :doh: Though I am still sitting on it. I feel a part of me will impulsively say yes but regret it because my FOO currently depends on me financially too. Ah.. but still! Some interesting new news :yes: Going to spend this weekend looking into how I use the 4F responses.
Almost decided not to stay on the site anymore. I've thought a lot and I think I'm still having the issue of wondering where I could actually go (in regards to online communities). I don't particularly feel like a "survivor" of emotional abuse and neglect because I still have (unwilling) full contact with FOO. But at the same time I think I'm second guessing because I'm an "adult" that isn't "defenseless" anymore though I often strongly feel like I am. Or that since I'm an adult it's not as bad. I really wish I had access IRL to help. It's finally October and I haven't heard anything from Pansy and MG about moving situation (not even sure if it was this month or last month they said they'd let me know... or if I was supposed to contact them if living here was getting unbearable).
I did some research these past few days and I think I've been dissociating for the entirety of my childhood and maybe on and off as an adult. Not fully sure. Like 80% sure. I know it happens in different ways for different people, but I wonder if I've been in denial about dissociating for a year (around the first time I read about it in relation to child emotional abuse). Maybe I will post about it in the Dissociation section, but for now I feel embarrassed about that. :dramaqueen:
This weekend Lily is driving 2 hours to see me and it'll be the first time I've seen her in over 3 years. She kind of dropped it on me which I didn't mind but I got excited but now I'm really nervous about possibly dissociating through the entire thing. Or dealing with an abandonment feeling EF after she drives back. I really just want to stay in the present and feel the good feelings because we're good friends who really understand and care about each other as we experienced and still experience similar trauma/toxic home. I really miss her a lot and despite us not being in a relationship anymore I know I want to see her again. She was the most patient person I'd ever met who never invalidated me.
Anyway, also did some more reading on trauma response types. I think while I'm fawn-freeze, the level of the two varies. Sometimes I'm more fawn, sometimes I'm more freeze. When I'm leaning more fawn-type, I feel very frustrated with myself, especially if whatever I've done was unsuccessful/ignored, in a "why did I even bother?!" feeling. If I'm more freeze that day (or even moment of the day), sometimes I physically shake out of it (occasionally in a cartoonish manner) but usually within minutes go back into it until disturbed. I may be confused or mixing things, but sometimes it feels purposeful when I go back, because those feel like daydreams. Like "oops I didn't finish my thoughts" and other times less purposeful or not at all and will be sort of floaty/dazed for a while. Those I don't "shake" out of.
Just now actually, I'm listening to music and the song changed and I feel like I started to daze or drift/space out. It was only for a moment.
kinda wonder if this is why I might not be connecting successfully with IC. like I can't focus long enough.
a quote from Pete Walker's
Codependency, Trauma and the Fawn Response (http://pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm) that resonated:
QuoteThere are many codependents who understand their penchant for forfeiting themselves, but who seem to precipitously forget everything they know when differentiation is appropriate in their relationships. To break free of their subservience, they must turn their cognitive insights into a willingness to stay present to the fear that triggers the self-abdication of the fawn response, and in the face of that fear try on and practice an expanding repertoire of more functional responses to fear.
likely why I'm struggling on my second chance at being given an offer to move out of this place. I suppose that's why fawn-freeze was referred to as the "classic" dv... :'( it really sucks to be "aware" but also "forget" but also be aware and ashamed that I "forgot."
while not directed at me, a fellow user's comment struck me today:
Quotetaking care of yourself is breaking the cycle of abuse you were raised in, were taught to believe in. of course it feels heartless - you're finally doing what's best for you instead of for everyone else. you're taking back your heart for yourself, where it truly belongs, and that means it's not available to them to shred anymore.
I know in regards to wanting and NEEDING to move out, the guilt is still very strong in me (understandably), but I have to remember that moving out will positively change things for me. "Getting away from abusive people" is one of the most consistent advice for people (usually children/youth still living with abusive FOO) I've heard and read for the last couple years since I understood emotional abuse. I usually don't find it helpful because I don't have the financial or transportation access. But that comment just felt like the biggest reminder of what I need to do.
Please Tea! Get this through your head and through your heart:
Moving out is the big goal.
Getting away from an emotionally abusive and emotionally draining house is the big goal!
Getting away from parents who could not provide consistent and unconditional love and support is the big goal!
Getting away from a parent who thought financial and physical support were the only things required to be a good parent is the big goal!
Getting away from a sibling who justifies invalidating you because you "didn't have it as bad" as he is the big goal!
Getting away from people who were never there for you in the ways that you needed them to be there for you is THE BIG GOAL!
Read it. Remember it. Guilt isn't your fault. Your unconditional caring for them, despite everything that's happened to you, says a lot. But for once, Tea, you've got to do something good for yourself. You can't keep coasting day-to-day, letting the actions of others and your own inaction blow you along like wind blowing a feather. Please for once, be selfish and learn how to care about yourself!
Rocky start this morning. Not sure if it had anything to do with my brother telling me he got lectured by my dad for something relating to me but completely unrelated to my brother. While we both were getting in the car, it sounded like my brother grunted at me to go first, and I responded saying "You don't gotta grunt at me, I already know" but apparently he wasn't, and then said something I can't remember right now, but that every day "there's always something, and I don't need you adding to it" and I almost got to asking him if something else happened apart from yesterday, but my parents came into the garage so I stopped myself.
On and off spaced out on the drive to work (good thing I don't drive). Right now, I'm tired (only an hour and a half into my proctoring shift and it's pretty slow). Almost told my mom or wanted to hint at being tired of living at home, but I dropped it and tried to act "normal." I'm not really sure what to feel, I have to wait 6 more hours to possibly get vented at (I'll probably initiate if I'm not tired/agitated by the time we all get home). I feel like hinting at some small agitation/aggression towards my dad because I'm sick of him scapegoating my brother, but I know that's not smart (and I also know that will probably still add to any resentment from my brother, considering he's called me "two faced" in the past for listening to him vent about our parents, but also trying to make nice/be nice/sweet and joking to my parents...I'm even more tired just remembering those conversations).
Now that I've written that I'm finding it hard to go back to being content. Of course I'm worried about his well-being but I'm starting to notice myself feeling smaller and smaller. As soon as he has a problem, I still have the habit of putting all my focus onto him and his pain, as if I'm simultaneously being hurt too, and that's tiring. I need so much time for myself.
a fellow user gave me some things to think about re: moving out that I need to look at and remind myself of every day:
Quote1) If you move out you'll be able to offer him a place to escape and vent sometimes.
2) If you move out you're more likely to proceed towards healthy thinking and living. Isn't that a GREAT example to give your brother?
3) You can't really get healthy when you're living in the same conditions that caused the problem in the first place.
I definitely believe in dream meanings (every time I have a dream, I record as much as I can remember and check dreammoods (http://dreammoods.com) for meanings of certain symbols I came across in my dream). Handful of years ago I had a lot of nightmares and I did some digging and realized a lot of those nightmares were telling me things and had to do with a lot of suppressed/repressed emotions, memories...
Anyway, this week, I had two dreams about being in a grocery store and it just makes sense...
QuoteTo shop for groceries in your dream represents some emotional of physical need that you are currently lacking in your life. You may be in need of nurturance and some fulfillment. Consider the specific items that you are shopping for.
That's just such an clear-cut obvious sign (I even dreamed of holding a bag of a rather long loaf of sliced bread). Along with some really encouraging words, I just feel like it's time to step up. For me... or at least for my inner child. I've faced scary things before, and while none of them seemed as scary as stepping into the adult society but... at some point it has to happen. And it seems my subconscious is yelling at me and sending me signs that it should be happening sooner rather than later.
I know this is going to anger my dad, sadden my mom, probably anger my brother if he's not indifferent about it (I feel like he might pretend to be to mask possibly feeling abandoned by me... but I truly do want to set another example for him. I got a part time job before he did (tho he did have a work study job at his first college about 10 years ago)).
I'm scared of all that... my dad might not even let me. I feel.. if I have to run away or set up a system to move some things out discretely, then I'll have to do it.
I also feel like I need to justify. I've been daydreaming so much about potential conversations... what I'll say... "I don't feel it's healthy for me to live here" "
So what! What's that supposed to mean?"... "I think it's time for me to become an adult and be more independent" "
You must be out of your mind! Are you kidding me, child?!... So it was true you really were planning to leave!"
I'm shuddering at the thought, but I'm 23. For once I've got to think of myself and how my action will benefit me, and not how others will react to my action. That cannot be my fault, my responsibility. I can't control their reactions, their emotions. If they are upset, maybe it means they finally realize how important I am and that I never should have gotten the treatment that lead up to this point. That maybe they finally see how much worth I have and what I mean to them (whether it was from their emotional manipulation/sucking-me-dry or not), and how it'll hurt when I leave.
But that's not my responsibility. That's something they have to consider and think about on their own time. I don't even want to hear apologies (as ... interesting... as that would be, especially from my dad and brother). I don't want to hear change. I don't want to falter at all. I really want to be confident in my decisions. I never got to be like that as a child until I quit my job as a staff writer and switched to cartoonist at my first college newspaper (ah.. my dad's dream... crushed instantly in the 15 seconds I spoke to my boss at the time!). I'll never forget that moment.
Or when I decided I wanted to switch majors from Journalism to Visual Communications. Took me a good couple weeks to do research and confront my dad, who in the end accepted it (even though further in the end I didn't switch until transferring schools). I couldn't have been prouder of myself.
Even when I took this current test proctoring job. I was so upset... thinking "No! I should be waiting for my brother to get a job first so he doesn't feel left behind!" Well... how silly. My getting a new job before him doesn't reflect badly on him at all. He may feel however he wants to feel, but I'm not in control of that. He may not want me to talk about my job because it makes him feel inadequate.. I can do that, but again, it's not reflecting bad on him. It doesn't mean that I should quit or do things to get myself fired so he can look good. Nope!
And now he's in an IT course. Which, after getting 3 certificates after completion, will greatly increase his chances to get internships or straight into a new job at last! I've been rooting for him my entire life ever since I first started to understand our family power dynamics. And after leaving, I'll still root for him. I can healthily encourage him without putting myself down.
But most importantly, I'll be in a safe place where I can learn to function better and feel better and think better of myself.
That's the big goal, Tea. Being healthy. To be healthy enough to finally be able to help others without unhealthy latching or codependency. No matter how they make you feel in the meantime, that's the big goal. And it should matter to you because your life and your feelings matter.
I had another dream. I forgot to record it but I remember I was packing clothes into a big bag or a suitcase. Seriously is this the week of "Signs That Tea's Finally Gonna Make The Decision To Move Out"?! Because that's what it's looking like. If only I could muster up the strength to contact my friends and see what the status on them moving apartments is looking like.
Maybe I should look at it one step at a time..
- First I joined this site, realizing I needed a safe space to organize thoughts, feelings
- I didn't leave the site immediately after joining(I tend to do that, thinking I won't find any help, comfort, resources, etc)
- I've stayed on the forum for just over a week (that's an accomplishment right?)
- Worked on being open with feelings (and not just talking about the situation/s) and tried not to be embarrassed about my feelings
- if anything, I've learned so much about C-PTSD in the last month or so (before then I thought I was dealing with PTSD but a lot of info, wording, help wasn't making sense and wasn't working for me until I found out C-PTSD was a thing!)
I mean... that's five things. Important things.
I also temporarily left my blog (where I was talking and venting a lot about issues at home and mental illness). It seemed useless especially since I was met with mainly silence (though some probably sympathetic "likes" which I appreciated, but still). I ended up letting folks know I didn't plan on returning until some positive changes were made and I'd be making a new blog (that would be hassle/obligation-free for once!!) when I'm fully established in a safe and peaceful new place. I don't know when that will be. That's the reality of course. But I don't want to go back until things are settled and I've got enough breathing room.
Yesterday when I got off work I approached my brother (I couldn't do it on Tuesday, just didn't want to I guess), and asked if he was feeling OK. He kind of said "yeah" like he was annoyed or maybe surprised I'd be asking that. Not sure. I asked if he was sure and he said it was like same "stuff" (code for annoyances re: dad, possibly his course (he didn't say) and his stutter) keeps happening over and over. I kind of lingered a bit. I didn't know how to respond without making him even more uncomfortable, and he ended up dismissing me by saying "that's it."
He didn't look at me at all. I still don't know if it's really resentment or indifference towards me, or if it's that he doesn't want to show me his feelings (a strange time to be deciding that considering I have 15+ years learning and understanding his emotions, what makes him mad or sad, etc (unfortunately the same can't be said for him re: me)). I donno... but I'm still trying to be strong and aware that I need to be self-focused.
I also got the energy to plan some things for #Inktober, which is when artists create works using ink throughout the month of October. I've been debating if I want to participate again, since I'm still on and off low on creative energy. I think I will, at least one or two per week instead of daily.
I also want to start and finish the artworks my friend Pansy (who said I'm more than welcome to move in with her after she and her brother switch apartments) commissioned me a month ago. I feel bad, I feel she'll understand. But I still feel bad. They were going to be hung up in her classroom at her new teaching job. I did let her know I'd have to finish the other commission (which ended sept 18) to start hers, and she understood but now it's late. I want to be able to finish them hopefully soon, but I won't put a date on it to and stress myself out further.
Also, I've finally gotten some more energy to continue working on my art story. I'm really glad. I was feeling so iffy about my intentions with it a couple weeks ago, feeling like it was literally "my story" and all the characters were "me" but were individual aspects of myself/personality. I still feel like that's the case... but I guess that's OK. I think many will be able to relate to it and that's part of my goal with the story.
I don't really want to overload, so I think I'll work on Pansy's commission first and then think about the other two later on.
This week I haven't had too many feelings of guilt. Just fear. Of moving out. I talked to some other members who have been incredibly encouraging, but I'm still really scared. I'm going to have to leave this job (even if it's just a part time) and find a new one... and I have no degree. I never finished school... but I've gotta be bound to find something in that new town. I feel naive. Maybe I should start looking for some job openings and check out the qualifications.
Or.. maybe I should consider taking out loans. Not even sure what school I want to consider. Or if I should just wait until my brother finishes his course in January and then my parents can help me finish school... ugh... I don't know if I can wait that long. I don't want to stay that long either. I really wish they were the type to say, "18 years old? Gotta live on your own now!" or at least encourage that. While I appreciate that considering I have only like one adult skill (calling the bank), I don't feel like it should be applauded or even reason to dismiss the other things that have lead me to this situation. I gotta remember that. Just because they're letting me live under their roof doesn't mean they weren't and aren't abusive.
There's a lot of options I need to weigh. :Idunno:
haven't journaled in a few days. Friday I was playing a video game most of the day and did groceries with my mom. I can't really remember too much about that day.
Yesterday, I had gone out with my friend (and ex girlfriend) Lily. She drove 2 hours to see me! It was a sort of art date. We went to eat first and then a little shopping and headed to a comic book shop and then to the park to paint and draw until it got dark and then to a starbucks to continue arting around..
I think here's where I'm a bit concerned... Before I left to go in my house, we kissed a lot (I was new to it, last time was 6 years ago) and for multiple moments I felt confused and kind of annoyed with myself because I wasn't "feeling" something or another. But I can't say it wasn't nice because it really was and it was with the person that I really have felt a lot and care a lot for.
But when I went to my room, I felt really ... caught up? Like the feelings I thought I was supposed to feel I finally felt them. It was like I was reliving it, and I ended up being in a daze for a couple hours until I fell asleep. I woke up again and felt like I was reliving it and all the feelings and whatnot. I stayed up for another hour until after 3:30am when I finally fell back asleep.
Not sure if that's normal for folks with CPTSD. It wasn't traumatic or scary, this was something nice and thinking back, gosh now (and earlier this morning) I'm feeling elated and thinking of her face and how happy she looked.
Part of me, I felt almost like a shell. I think some parts of those moments, I felt present with her, other moments I felt distracted, other moments I felt like a shell. It's confusing. I'm really hoping that when I've moved out and re-established myself and become fully engaged in self-focused recovery, that will change and I will understand what happened. I don't want to not feel... (I don't want the feelings to be delayed like that either!)
ALSO! Something I realized on the drive back. Although we were talking about still liking each other, I realized (when I got home) that I didn't feel an overwhelming dread. I didn't feel abandoned. I didn't feel abandoned when I got to my room. I didn't feel abandoned when I thought about her over and over, not even when I woke back up. Not even when I tried to fall back asleep. Not even this morning when I was daydreaming, not even right now. She lives two hours away, and I don't feel like I'm having object constancy issues. I don't understand why though I wonder...
Maybe it's because it felt like old times. Like "Ah this is Lily, of course I'll see her again" and who knows when that will be. But with Pansy, MG and Rose, I feel different. When they (except for Pansy who was older) graduate, I cried while exchanging End-of-the-Year gifts. They said I was silly, and that we'd still see each other during the summer, which was true, and looking back that was indeed silly.
But with Lily I just didn't feel upset that she was leaving. I really hope it isn't a delayed feeling. I really hope it's not a "nonexistent feeling" either. I think I need to think more on that. Before recently, after we stopped calling ourselves "girlfriends" I feel like I had made a weird effort to forget her because I thought I was being tossed aside and abandoned. Ugh...!! It was such a crummy impulsive thing to do. I feel like I'm faking feelings or that the delayed feelings are fake but I don't even know. Now I'm feeling confused... ???
Geez! I don't know what's up with my memory these days... still feels short term as usual but I'm kind of surprised by this?
Yesterday I also told Lily (verbally... and not through messaging like typical) more about my situation and needing to move and like always she was really supportive and validating. I think... it was nice to hear it out loud from her and not just seeing it in text. I think when she was speaking I was feeling kind of overwhelmed because I couldn't look away from any text (normally if we're messaging I have to take a few seconds break from reading... validation stuff is still really confusing). I don't know why I didn't thank her verbally.. I must have felt weird or just taking in the validation bit by bit.
But that encouragement and support regarding possibly being able to move out and focus on myself really felt good. I didn't feel the guilt like I usually do, but I did vocalize that that's what I had been feeling lately. In the last couple days, the encouragement from folks here has been really wonderful and somehow has been making me realize the guilt is unnecessary.
I feel kind of strong. Maybe because my brother and I haven't been talking very much and that he's been pretty short with me these last couple weeks.
Though, my mom and dad are still relying on my financial support... still talking about school. I think... when the option to move out is concrete I'll really know what to do. I'll have talked with Pansy and MG, and talked with Lily and Zinnia definitely since she's my longest best friend. I feel like... there will be options. I feel optimistic about the potential help along the way if I decide to move out. Maybe it's naive or just my developed instinct to hope and trust there will be someone who's invested in looking out for me in non-manipulative ways.
Normally when I think about moving out I burst into tears. But I've thought about it a lot lately and I haven't cried in some time.
(though I wonder... if I'm suppressing... I can't tell. but I have gone some days without any EFs... so maybe it's coming or maybe I'm getting stronger and more understanding and kinder towards myself?)
I stressed about the kiss all yesterday and for the last hour since I've been awake. I can't shake the worry that "What if I don't care?" or "What if I don't have feelings for her anymore" and neither of them make any sense because I do care about her and I do have feelings for her. But I'm starting to wonder if I've really distanced myself the way I have with my other friends. What if what I was feeling while being dazed out Saturday night was fake? I felt fake kissing her but then after it didn't feel fake. I feel so different I'm starting to get angry with myself.
Now it's like I've got to add "empathy" or "reconfigure my feelings" to my recovery list :fallingbricks:
I looked so much stuff up last night, from possible dissociation to intimacy issues/anxieties. I wonder if it could be the latter, considering my difficult time with validation and showing my friends my non-jester side. I think I've cried in front of Lily maybe once, but she does know I can get upset about things, especially regarding my family.
But I do feel scared. I easily opened up about things here. I guess because I didn't already set an example that I'm only comfy with being a jokester. Lily and I had been really close and talked about things that were important to us. But we mostly like to laugh, and Saturday, I think for once I didn't want to laugh too much, but I forced myself to. I guess I wanted to talk more, maybe talk about what was going on with me and how that might affect us, but I only got to mentioning I joined a forum for folks with CPTSD and how it's been helping me figure things out.
I just have this urge to figure everything out and fix everything right NOW! Did I already forget, the key is to move out and re-establish first!
I wonder if I should be open with her about my confusion...spacing out/dazing afterwards problem. I don't want to scare her, I just want to become more open about serious things, but maybe once my recovery properly starts, I'll work on that. I don't think I have the skills to be open and not mess it up right now. Future thinking is so hard, but I gotta do it.
Last night I ended up chatting with someone on 7cups to help me sort things out. I still don't know if what I was feeling or my distancing was dissociation or something else. But I did realize some things.
Saturday when Lily and I hung out, I think I was really wanting things to slow down. Not so much re: being in a relationship, but just the day itself. I hadn't seen her in so long. It felt so unreal. Like I was coasting the entire time. I don't know what that really means, but I guess it explains why kissing didn't seem right and that I couldn't focus on being in the moment because my actual self (?) hadn't even caught up yet. And why minutes later when I got up to my room, then I could feel the moment, though unfortunately it had already passed.
Something else, I realized maybe I felt like I needed to be grounded. I spoke to the 7cups listener yesterday about looking back on Saturday and wishing Lily had held my face gently in her hands. Eventually, I realized I needed to be strongly or tightly held by her because the day seemed to go so fast even though we were together for almost 8 hours. I guess I wanted a different kind of physical contact that felt more of a "reassurance of love." That was what the listener had said. I didn't feel weird about them calling it "love" I guess because I have (had?? still have??) a strong love for all my friends. Hugs with my friends don't last long and I think the last longest hug I had was probably many months ago if not within a couple years ago. But when I thought more about it, I feel like maybe I would have become more present if we had a really nice, strong, (intimate?) hug. I really wanted to be in her arms and like feel her presence.
It's kind of a bummer because I don't know when we'll meet up again.
But I figured I really wanted to be open and honest about my feelings (that didn't involve my family) and the listener helped me become confident about telling her. So I did. I wish it could have been through the phone but I have issues with that, so it was done over a text. Long text. I feel like I may have overwhelmed her or made her anxious because I'm sure she must have gotten at least 10 messages of my broken up long text.
But I really had to tell her or it'd bug me. I was really honest. I felt so embarrassed and felt so exposed and vulnerable and I ended up crying when I talked about wanting to be held. I think that was the first time I've cried in about a week (I'll probably talk about that in the next entry). I donno if it was an EF though (perhaps feeling miserable or abandoned when I thought about hugging) or just feeling really strong emotions.
Now I feel kind of nervous since I haven't gotten a response yet. I went to bed a bit before midnight (or was it after? I forget if Friends was on or Fresh Prince) and woke back up around 2:30am and couldn't sleep for an hour. I kept checking my texts. But... I also feel a slightly tiny bit stronger. More confident? To be open about something like that that felt embarrassing. I had expressed something like that earlier this summer, but since then a lot has changed and I just felt like it was important to voice what I was feeling so that there would be no confusion about it in the future. But also perhaps its important to feel vulnerable like that. I know I have the chance to get hurt in this, but bottling things up has been my 15+year forte and no one I know is a mind reader.
If things go well, I could count this as a small success in my Recovery [Lite] Journey I think!
I have a lot to journal but I'll save the bulk for later since I'm at work... :doh:
While I was reading a couple threads in the Inner Child board, a student came in 10 minutes ago to take a test where I do makeup proctoring and he looks so much like one of my best friends MG (morning glory!). I had one of those "mini heart attacks," but got him settled as necessary. I guess it kind of spooked me a little, I haven't seen or spoken to MG since the summer other than to congratulate him on his new teaching job.
This sort of prompted me to think about texting him. I got another strange feeling in my heart, but ended up doing it anyway (even muttered "ugh just do it!"). For some reason afterwards, I started feeling uneasy. Having that feeling of potential abandonment when he didn't respond immediately. I can't say for sure if that's my IC getting uneasy, but I tried to think "well sure he will, come on, it's Thursday at 1:30pm, he's probably teaching a class!"
Funny enough, he just messaged me, and now I'm at a loss for what to say. ???
But I wouldn't be surprised if that uneasy scared feeling was my IC (maybe upset with me that I decided to text MG?). Yesterday I got some interesting feedback regarding my IC that kind of has me relieved about a copy mechanism I do. This week has been really strange, attempts at assertiveness and openness, also short EFs coming at me. I'm kind of excited for the next entry but I want to do a little more reading!
Today really seemed to be a good day! Managed myself well during work, I even made my lunch for the first time in what seems like over a month. Texted my friend MG and we fell back into old texting and I had a really nice laugh (during my shift smh!) I also saw my longest best friend Zinnia at the store she works at. That made me super happy! I've been feeling so bad about being distant to my friends lately. I kind of impulsively texted MG and it ended well and (feels like it) lead to seeing my other close friend. How nice! (I also got to look at some flowers and houseplants at the store, just a bonus!)
On the drive back home, I told myself "Today has really been a good day! It doesn't at all reflect badly on your brother! Remember that." And I am. I'm actively trying to remember that. I haven't felt this... warm.. in months. Suddenly I have all the urges to see my friends.
Even bigger (if not on the same level), I have a new appreciation for a coping mechanism that developed in my childhood! I was posting in the Dissociation thread about this habit I have of speaking to imaginaries (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4916.msg29864#msg29864) to cope with loneliness and neglect/lack of emotional support. I've always felt embarrassed about this since the moment I started senior year of high school, and now almost 6 years later, I don't feel so ashamed. Especially considering I'm stuck with an abusive FOO for the meantime, it's probably a top priority to survive right now (though I'm still trying to find ways to unlearn some things).
It seems though, that I've probably been in contact with my inner child for... a while. If I think about it, it's probably been at least 3 or 4 years? I'm trying to think of the conversation topics I had back then. But talking with an imagined brother and/or parents, it seems my IC has already been yelling about what she needed, and perhaps in those conversations, when I spoke up about how it hurt me (in a way that I as an adult can comprehend), that was me speaking for her.
Even the less intense and upsetting conversations, like often I sit and paint and will sort of "chat to myself" (chatting to imagined IRL friends or comfort characters from shows that I like (recently it's been the new Voltron show)) it's giving my IC company. I never got to hang out with friends outside of school hours until my junior year in high school, so I made up for it in imaginary friends that I carried through to adulthood. I haven't fully gotten past feeling embarrassed about it, but I'm working to embrace it and actively use it in low times/EFs. It does "go away" when I'm interacting with people in real life. But I'm learning to appreciate this more.
One of the imagined things I used to do as a kid was lipsync to songs as if I'm performing/practicing in front of friends or big crowds. I still do this actually, and it's probably why whenever I go days without listening to music, I become saddened, likely to go into freeze mode if something bothers me in the present.
I've actually been noticing some songs I like seem like "Survivor Anthems" like SIA's "Alive" and "Burn The Pages," and Solange's recent "Don't Wish Me Well" (possibly?). I might put together a playlist one of these days to encourage my growth and determination to leaving of this place.
I also realize a lot of my recent imaginings are of my characters (from the art story I'm writing and illustrating) as young children. Between ages 2 and 5 typically. There's a number of characters that I relate to, and only one of them was specifically abused as a child and into his adulthood. I suppose they unintentionally are all representations of singular aspects of what I think of myself. But in the imaginings, the kids (we? me?) are with the characters from Voltron who are at their normal ages and are being babysat by the five characters. The crossover happened recently (a little after I started watching the show).
This is all super complex, but I'll let what happens happen.
Just want to start this entry with how proud I am. I started this journal 19 days ago, and it's made a world of difference. It's been some time since I've felt incredibly defeated about being unable to move away from abusive FOO, and I think that's good. I've been approaching it differently and it's thanks to joining this site!
I can't say enough how important it's been for me to have a safe place to sort my thoughts and not get criticized for negative feelings.
--
The last couple days have been interesting. I've still heard nothing back from Lily, which has saddened me at least twice a day, but I think I've been managing it well? I think because of my new understanding of my inner child (and possibly children). I've been able to calm her down remind her it's OK to be upset, but be understanding that she's not being abandoned. It's still kind of tricky, but I'm trying to be a sensible adult about it considering both Lily and I are facing mental illness and a toxic home with little way out.
On the downside, it's hard to get past when I feel bad for being honest. My honest has gotten me hurt quite a lot in the past and present and it's tough to not get a response from me being incredibly honest about something I was really embarrassed and ashamed and nervous about. I gotta be an adult, but I can't deny it hurts, especially since it's not the first time with her particularly.
In other news, I also had another dream that signified I need to move out. I was literally looking at apartments with some friends so my subconscious couldn't be more obvious. I really wish I could get that ball rolling but it's not really up to me right now I don't think. I'm too nervous to ask my friends about their new place. They have 3 bedrooms, but I don't want to feel like I'm intruding or like I want to mooch or something (what a thing to say after years of being emotionally mooched off of).
I also had a sudden imagining that I was talking to a therapist about my situation with Lily. I talked about how it hurt that when I was honest, it might have turned her away and made me feel bad. They asked why did I feel bad, and I said it makes me feel sad when people don't talk to me. I was asked why again, and I said "I felt unworthy." I guess I'm processing in more ways than I think. It made me feel like I had messed up trying to explain (I did send those texts kind of impulsively), but I even sent a follow up apologizing that they were long and probably made her anxious. That failed, but I'm trying to remember that she might be having a tough time and that I need to be patient.
At one point I think my inner critic was muttering about how I shouldn't have been honest, that I shouldn't have texted in the first place. I kept saying to be quiet! And how that didn't make any sense and that if I wanted my relationships with all my friends to get better, I needed to be honest about how I was feeling. Sheesh. That voice has been creeping here and there, and I think I've just been running from them.
I really wish I could move out soon. I can't really say it's getting more and more unbearable being here, but I've been getting closer and closer realizing I don't deserve to live here at all. I tried to explain to my friend Zinnia, but I think she just took it as me being unable to deal with my family being mean to me. Even if that was the case, I still wouldn't deserve to live here. But I just want to start moving on and away. I don't like the feeling of being the cause of someone else's misery when in reality it was someone else #2's reaction to my action that makes someone else miserable. I still feel bits of creeping guilt about moving out, about leaving them all in a serious financial crunch (geez, if I was to move out today, I'd have $17 to my name...), but I'm really fighting that. Trying to learn every day, and stick to my gut feelings.
I keep daydreaming about a domestic life because I'm so incredibly tired. I don't want to do anything. I just need 10 years to have a break to myself or with someone who cares about me. I'm so exhausted I wanna be that wife who cooks nice cute things for her wife/partner and lives a moderately stress free life. Ugh I can't express how tired I am!! If I have one more dream about packing bags or moving out or apartment searching, I might yell!!
I keep feeling like I've got to one day (soon) confront my brother about our relationship since childhood... how I've sort of been a surrogate parent to him, the physical abuse (that I just became aware was actually "physical abuse" ugh).. the constant invalidation (and invalidation as justification for his own feelings). It is really exhausting living here, though my breaking point hasn't yet come yet. Every day I don't speak or joke around with him I feel bad for it like I have done something wrong. But I just don't feel comfortable anymore. I don't feel very safe after all this realization.
Maybe I want things to go back, to us being jokey jokesters and me just "taking" the invalidation and the pain that comes with being the sort of sister I grew up into. I don't know.
I'm still isolating myself in my room. I keep the door closed (he does too) and I just want to be left alone but I want to be alone with someone that cares about me. Last night I ended up crying myself to sleep realizing again how alone I am (and constantly battled the image of my brother and the words "but he is too, even more than you"), how much I just.. miss affectionate physical touch. How I'm just not going to get it from this family. I just don't feel much of anything towards any of them really. I feel so on and off indifferent these days. I feel resentment and general tiredness regarding my dad. But I just don't care. I care about my mom, but at the same time I just don't care. I care a great deal about my brother, but I'm also extremely exhausted. Too tired to care.
I feel like maybe the last time I was in trouble a month ago, when I told my mom I didn't think any of them loved or cared about me (though she had asked if I thought I was loved, and I just shook my head), I guess I really did believe it. At the time, I was just unsure and tired and confused about what everyone really thought about me. Like suddenly I had been pulled out of some self-induced trance and just became and felt so detached.
Detached. That's a way to put it. I feel so honestly out of place, I'm still confused about my identity, I can't really rebuild that while I'm still living at home. I don't feel that out of body detached. Maybe.. no.. just.. I don't belong here. The me that everyone raised isn't right, isn't me. Isn't real maybe? I'm sure I'm real, just... I can't explain.
(changing the title of this journal since I think now I've taken a really important step to recovering)
I've been struggling to write this entry for 3 hours now. I guess, good news, I finally got a chance to start reading Pete Walker's famous book. I'm a really slow reader so I'm getting by, but after chapter 1, I started with chapter 5 (the title
What if I Was Never Hit? really resonated with me). I've almost finished but already it's gotten me pretty emotional. A couple understanding/validating sentences for some reason sound like possibly my ICr saying those things to me rather than understanding it being another adult believing what happened to me was indeed traumatizing. I'm sure I'll work through that, but it was kind of unexpected (my reaction).
I think I gained a further and new understanding of some of my "imaginings" especially the ones where I'm talking with my brother or family. I do this outside of imaginings, but I do a lot of drasticizing. I remember all the times I wanted to go hang out with my friends (as an adult) but also being extremely anxious about asking my dad for permission. I can't remember how I imagined it, but I always felt like my asking alone would set him off and turn the house into chaos again.
An even earlier memory actually. I was in 7th grade and my class was going on a field trip somewhere and I was to bring home a permission slip so either of my parents could sign. I never did tell them or show them the slip until it was too late. On the day of the trip, I told my mom I didn't want to go to school, and the field trip ended up being revealed. I said I forgot, and my parents were very disappointed in my "bad memory" but I just didn't want to go through the trouble of asking for permission. Not even sure what I expected out of that situation, but that's 13 year olds for you.
QuoteYou learned early tthat, no matter how hurt, alienated, or terrified you were, turning to a parent would do nothing more than exacerbate your experience of rejection.
I missed out on a lot of things because of that drastacizing tendency, though nowadays, despite still having that anxious feeling, I have actually graduated from saying "Dad can I go hang out with Rose, Pansy and MG?" to "Dad, me, Rose, Pansy and MG are going to starbucks on Saturday around noon." Sometime ago (last year?) I had a small moment of pride at my progression. Now it's just natural to assert that I will be going somewhere. I never face any issues, but I still have that anxiety about speaking up about what I want to do and where I want to go with friends.
I'm also starting to learn to not minimize my emotional abuse and neglect/abandonment. It really was abandonment. I was so unsure before, since I don't have much early memories. I was thinking about asking my mom questions about when I was really small, baby and toddler age so she might unintentionally hint at things done or not done to me at those ages. I think I have such a strange idea of what "childhood" means that I feel like by age 8 (the key "It All Started When" age) I was already a grown up and expected to emotionally take care of myself at the least. That anything after age 8 doesn't really count because of my "grown up status" so I wasn't really impressionable. Very false, but I do want to know more about those early childhood times.
Even at kindergarten age (5) I can't remember anything affectionate. Maybe "happy fun times" but nothing affectionate.
I also realized my issue with being open and honest to others. I can't say that I fully understand because of my recent text impulse.
QuoteEven love, coming their way, reverberates threateningly on a subliminal level. Unconsciously, they fear that if they momentarily "trick" someone into liking them, the forbidden prize will vanish once their social perfectionism inevitably fails and exposes their unworthiness. Moreover, when this occurs, they will be triggered even more deeply into the abandonment mélange.
If that's not me in 1/4 a nutshell... I remember one time thinking about how I "set an example" that my friends see and become used to. The happy go lucky gal who loves to laugh and make others laugh. And how it's so unbearable feeling the need to be comforted by those friends, but feeling so despicable at the thought of letting them see how I "really" am. Even to this day, as incredibly close as my 5 close buds are to me, none of them have really seen me... raw? Two of them had already mentioned early in the friendship that they're uncomfortable when others cry in front of them, so that was clue enough that they weren't "safe" to open up to. Even the others, I just felt and still feel too compelled to keep the really bad stuff inside for myself to deal with.
Reading through that, I feel like my reaction to not getting a response from Lily from over a week ago might have brought me into an EF. It's still tough to deal with but at least I'm gaining some understanding. I'm trying to remember what's important was that I was able to try really hard to be open and not hide whatever I was feeling. And not take the lack of response as a reason not to do that anymore. That'll be hard to learn.
It's been hours now, I think I should stop and go back to reading and sleep soon. A last thought, I wonder if my new understandings will have an effect on my dreams. Maybe as I understand more, I'll dream about actually and finally settling in a new apartment. Maybe by that time, I'll have already mustered the courage to move out semi-guilt-free (if not completely guilt free). That'd be nice ;D
I only just realized while reading From Surviving to Thriving... that I started with chapter 5 (What if I Was Never Hit?) and it dawned on me. I was hit. I was. How did I forget? I can't concretely remember when it began and ended. But I definitely was hit. I feel so embarrassed to not have even thought about it (whether it was from my parents or my brother).
Gosh I feel really scared to even go there, as if dealing with the emotional abuse and abandonment (which I can now properly differentiate and acknowledge they both happened to me) isn't enough to deal with... I never really looked into what symptoms look like in those who were physically abused. I just never thought about it until now and now.. I feel so ridiculous and overwhelmed :fallingbricks: I'm kind of mad at myself too... I left this out, never thought once because I figured it "didn't happen like that" so that's not on my list of Things Tea's Gotta Recover From. ughhh..
maybe later after reading chapter 5, I'll do some research on that. I don't know if I want to though considering I've set so many records in speedy self-invalidation. (at least it's the last day of work this week so I can go home and do something nice for myself).
I also had remembered things recently (within the last couple of years) about my childhood, and young adult years, and I felt kinda dumb for forgetting. They're not small things, either! But I think sometimes our minds hide things from us for our emotional health. Then, at a time when we can face and address these issues, our mind allows us to remember. At least that's the only thing I cam come up with, to explain why I forgot these things. :)
I'm learning to go easier on myself and be more forgiving of my human-ness.
Three Roses that makes a lot of sense! On some level I've always known I've gotten hit as punishment. It just didn't seem "important" so I must have shoved that all the way to the back, keeping just he general "yeah I got spanked so what?" mentality until recently.
I don't think I've come to he point I can properly confront those memories (a month ago I had a really intense flashback at work that scared me so much) but I hope the day will come.
I think I also need to learn to go easy on myself too! And sit with myself and really understand these subconscious processes that tried to work to keep me feeling safe all this time
I spent all day at work yesterday reading more in depth about the 4F responses and I definitely confirmed I am a fawn type, with a bit of freeze. I already knew, but I learned some new info that will be handy to reference in the future. I also wrote some notes to journal about since I was too tired to journal last night.
On the car ride to work, I actually started tearing up realizing my brother abandoned me too. In a way, since he's not my parent. Along with my parents, none of them had any real interest in the things I was interested in (I learned "lack of interest" is a way of abandoning). Growing up and still today, I have always had an interest in art and drawing things and nobody really cared. None of them ever ASKED about stuff I drew or liked drawing.
I'll never forget my grade school self asking my dad if I could become an artist when I got older, and he blatantly said "No." I felt really bad on our drive to my school. I still ended up doing it anyway since at least some of the teachers and friends took interest in what I drew (I think I oughta write letters or something of thanks to them).
What's ironic is that a decade and a half later, the three of them have a low to mild interest. My brother once asked me if I knew how to do character design, since he's into learning game developing. My mom asked me for her portrait (I did one for mother's day last year but she asks every now and then like she forgot). Even a few months ago, my dad asked me to redraw something his friend/relative sent him. I took the image but ended up not doing it because of the irony. In the end of summer, he asked if I had finished it and I pretended to not know what he was talking about. He got upset but didn't bug me about it. To this day (hasn't been long but still) I just don't care. Funny enough, my friends were the first to buy me art supplies for art (and not school supplies that also counted as art supplies). Funny.
Another bit of irony, on New Years this year, my dad asked what my resolutions were, and I said I wanted to create more art more consistently. He asked why I never show him the kind of art I do, and I said because he never asks (translation: "you were never interested and at one point you called my stuff junk and you took all the art off my walls when I was away at college, so why would I think you cared?"), and he told me that was no excuse. He lectured for a bit but I seemed to have tuned him out watching the TV.
It's taking some time to realize that's emotional abandonment but logically I know it is. At the very least, it's annoying, but I guess I'll feel intense anger or sadness when I finally understand and stop minimizing.
Also, this memory occasionally comes to me every once and a while, and when I tell my mom, she denies this ever happening (my brother too for some reason, I vaguely remember him being there but maybe not). When I was about 3 or 4, I was sitting on the floor of the living room. I was throwing a quarter up and down (the way you would with a ball) and I remember it falling into my mouth. I can't remember if I swallowed it or not (I think I did, but maybe I coughed it up in my following panic). I remember running to my parents room, their door closed, and banging on the door for them to come help me. I don't remember them opening the door to check on me. I was in tears and yelling and banging but still nobody showed up. At some point I think I calmed down.
Thinking about it, I guess that was the earliest memory I have right now of being abandoned. I still worry I'm remembering it all wrong, but I just.. don't think that's the case. I know it had to have happened.
Really grateful for this reading, it's making me think about a lot of things, bringing a lot forward so I can properly label things. Just having a better understanding of CPTSD and how it affects me and how I deal with life and people just helps a lot! :)
:hug:
Tea, I can relate so much. I wanted to be an artist too and all my dad could do was drink and drink and drink and make derigatory remarks about "my daughter becoming a Picasso". So what, I think now. Picasso was awesome!
It is so painful when our abilities, desires, hopes and dreams are unrecognized, pushed away. There is a very very clear line between a and a history of neglect and rejection of your dreams versus a supportive parent, who has been there for their child, saying "I worry for your income if you would become an artist, can I help you to make a plan that allows for your creative side to be expressed as well as having something to fall back on?". I would have hoped to have had the second variety. I have chosen a different field and am doing well, no regrets on choosing this field, but major **pain** from the rejection when I was a teenager.
Sorry to hijack, I just came here to say, I totally understand.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
annakoen no worries! it's nice to have others be able to relate to this :hug: It really is still painful sometimes. I think I was lucky enough to have teachers and peers who were impressed. My parents wanted me to get into journalism when I started high school and college, and I ended up following through despite my dislike for it. Eventually, I got some courage to tell my dad one summer that it wasn't my interest. I had to back it up with some research on graphic design (which was just a step closer to illustration, which is what I want to do now) and it worked but now school's been on hold for 2 years.
It's pretty frustrating realizing if I had the support to begin with, my first 2 years of college wouldn't have felt like a waste. My dad always said condescending things too, like "What are you gonna be? One of those artists with holes in their pants carrying around a portfolio?" When he said that I was in such shock. How in the world could my own parent use something so stereotypical and hurtful to me? About something I had such a huge passion for? :Idunno:
One day I hope if I ever become successful in this and he wants to take credit, I'll remind him of the many things he's said to me to discourage me. But I'm glad your different chosen field has worked out for you and continues to work for you in the future! :)
Hello Tea,
I would like to share my personal experience and hope that it can help encourage you to fine happiness and healing that you deserve because I can relate to a lot of things that you mentioned here.
[POTENTIAL TRIGGER BELOW !!]
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My family were unhealthy, abusive and unsupportive. In my case, I was the designated scapegoat and also therapist in the family. My mother specifically have gone through many traumatic events on her life. Since I was a child (very young) I became her confidant, her object for ranting and a tool to make herself feel better. I developed empathy at a very young age exceeding even the adults around me. I did what I thought would alleviate my mother pain by obeying her every whimps, letting her emotionally and verbally abuse me. Whenever I tried to speak up and point out things that are painful but factual, she got angry and belittle me, calling me selfish. Boundaries were crossed so many times I lost counts of them (One time my mother wrote a journal "on my behalf" writing as if I wrote them and shared it with her friends. I was so shocked and speechless when I found out about it "real-time" as in when she showed it to her friends infront of me) My father wasn't any better and my brother was absent. Over time I stopped taking care of my needs. I started to developed depression and isolate myself. This continue for years well into my teenage years. Then one day I came into realization that it would never get better. My family was stuck on a cycle in which each member have roles and they couldn't see what I saw, the true sources of our problems. I remembered crying, hating and cursing the truth: I was going to be the one that broke the cycle. It took me few extra year after that and desperation (as at that point I was force to suicide) until I was able to accept the truth. I cut my ties from my parent.
What I wanted to share with you is this:
a. When I decided to leave my parent I was living in USA (this is not were I was born and raise).
b. I knew basic English grammar and vocabularies but never actually have conversation in English
c. I was 19 just starting college and my sources for income came from my family and federal grant. With no family help I couldn't go to school so the grant also is gone.
d. I didn't know anyone except extended family that didn't rly get a long well with me (which I also stopped talking to) however I was lucky to find a good friend that rly understood me and helped me to move on.
It was scary time for me and the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It took me 2 years but at the end of it I had a stable job and was independent in many ways including financially. It took however longer years to deal with the traumatic events that had happened to me. It's still an ongoing progress and lately I found what has caused me to still be stuck after all this year.
If there is anything I have learned are these:
1. No One cannot truly help anyone when they are not in the place where they can help themself and their basic needs are not met.
2. Even if an individual can help someone, if the other person is not ready to be helped, they cannot force the other person to help themselves
3. At the end of the day, each person is the only who knows their personal experience thus the only one that knows the right answer to their healing and beyond that (personal happiness). Other people even the most well intention one cannot fill this task. To search for an answer somewhere outside oneself will only derail one from healing. They will be plenty of things in this world including religion that promised you "salvation". The people I saw going this route to the extend that they stopped truly working on themselves are the ones that ended up repeating the cycles to their children and others around them.
4. Repressing emotions and not feeling them was the worse thing we can do especially when those emotions came from abusive situation. They need to be let out in healthy ways (This was the last part I'm struggling with the most. By the time I recognize the importance I basically couldn't feel anything. I can't even cry when needed. All the tensions can manifest to physical diseases. In my case I was diagnosed with 1 stage before cancer. I found out just in time to reverse the damage)
From my experience, I hope you will find strength. Also great job on wanting and continually trying to work on yourself for healing and beyond. :applause:
Forgot to mention I can relate to feeling exhaused physically and emotionally and wanting a break from everything. I can also relate to being dismissed from liking art and pursuing art. Lastly for being non-heterosexual on top of dealing with everything else.
Dwonderer, I really do appreciate you sharing your experience in my journal actually (it kind of feels like a handwritten journal, and i'm attaching other people's stories with a little paper clip so I can reference in the future!) i cant imagine going through all that you went through, but it's encouraging to see your words from a place of experience :)
all of your points I feel are really important for me to remember. some of them are things I've "told" myself. it must have been incredibly tough having to go through all of that alone. I think that's what I'm partly most afraid of. probably actually incredibly afraid of. when I think about the future it gets really scary to me and images I think of are really hazy-seeming and I cannot clearly see the face of "the Me in the future," who's incredibly isolated and living alone. just thinking of it now has me teared up..
I don't know.. if it's because I still feel childishly attached to my family, on whom I've been really codependent (cue the words "fawn" lined in big bright lights). I always feel ok when I know things happening in the recent future are concrete, and super anxious when they're not. like... I know i'll still be living here next week, so on some weird level that's comforting, knowing I'll have a "home," despite it being the house all of my abusers live.
I'm afraid to "grow up" despite being 23 because I know I don't have a lot or any resources at all, and the idea of moving in with my friends still scares me. I'm still afraid of them going back on their word and abandoning me (before I didn't realize the thought of them "going back on their word" on being able to house me registered mentally as "abandonment," but I realize that now). I think I might journal about this later.
I'm trying to take on every day as it comes and focus on the future, but I think that's a bit detrimental, considering I want to begin recovering for the benefit of my current and future self.
(edit: small bit of possibly triggering (self invalidating) talk. i put it in beige color so it wouldn't be easy to see)
The last couple days has been kind of.. nice (except for today)? Maybe the lower end of pleasant. Surprisingly, Friday when my dad and I picked up my brother, he was pretty talkative to me. The drive all the way back home was mostly quiet, but later in the day after I did groceries with my parents, he was chatty, pretend-whining about how tired he was since we were late picking him up from his training course. He was being kind of huffy and not really helping put the groceries away which we both thought was funny.
Saturday I had washed the kitchen and house landing floors and was basically tracking everyone's movements bc neither had dried completely when everyone wanted to eat. I had my brother take his shoes off and walk through the kitchen to make breakfast, and when he tried to sneak back downstairs to return dishes, I burst out of my room like some kind of guard and he made one of those "trying not to laugh, but failing" faces and we both had some chuckles about it all.
I've still been reading Pete Walker's book, which has been kind of making me go in and out of imaginings/daydreams. I got up really early this morning and decided to read and ended up "conversing" in my head with Zinnia about how terrible parents are and how they should be more understanding to kids who are learning to self express. How spanking is normalized and awful and can really damage children.. I guess I was processing some things that I'd been learning. I was "conversing" in the car with my dad, so maybe I was processing in a way that was helping me place blame on him (I do this a lot, and maybe it's my subconscious telling me that I'm not the bad person, my dad is for causing those things to happen, despite his bragging about being a "good parent").
I'm super blessed though, to just be starting to read a chapter dedicated to the fawn type! A lot of the reading has been really validating, though I still feel I need a physical presence to accompany that validation. I just really hope I'm not reading and losing information as I read. I do feel like I'm learning though.
Something I thought of earlier when I was commenting, I thought about my friends' offer to house me. We still haven't really spoken much. I'm really nervous about getting back in touch, and I think it's the fear of re-abandonment (and retraumatizing). If they say no, I'm sure it'll be triggering an EF and I'll probably have lost all hope considering the one chance to escape would be gone. I feel like in a way they would resemble my parents back then. They just "weren't able to help" me through any of the problems I had growing up simply by not being emotionally present and intelligent. To have friends that "care" about me, end up being unable to help me would probably feel just as bad. I'm dreading it and I guess that's why I'm dragging my feet.
I think it's similar with Lily. She still hasn't returned my texts (maybe she has and they never got to my phone.. wishful thinking), so I feel re-abandoned. Like... being honest and emotional with her... and once again, like with my parents years ago (and even recently) being met with silence (and in their case, contempt and following silence) just feels horrible. All sorts of things could be going on on her end, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like how I did as a kid. And maybe my silence as a response to her silence is my freeze type of my hybrid acting up, probably figuring that being open and honest with my feelings was futile anyway. Because in the end nobody cares. Not about my feelings, not about me, and any words challenging that don't ever feel like the truth.
Knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. I just made myself cry too :/ I hate this, I think I'll stop for now.
Hi Tea,
I think being afraid to separate from parent and "doing your own things" is normal. For people with abusive past this can be extra scary. However from experience I would say the feeling of accomplishments and healing beat the scary part.
People with abusive past tends to have distorted unkind images of themselves. In reality, they can infact do the things that they didnt think they can and do it well if not better than others.
This is my anology:
Imagine a Ferrari, fast, aesthetically appealing, luxurious etc. People want it. If the owner take good car of the Ferrari, the car will run smoothly and sparkle beautifully like it should. Imagine the owner doest take care of the car. Its the same Ferrari but it has leaked and problems. The car is covered with dirt you dont even recognize it as the same car when you look at it. Infact you are disgusted by it.
In the anology above, the car is the victim of abuse and the owner is their family. So when the victim of abuse take ownership of the car (their own self) and begin to work on their problems (toward healing), they will start looking and realizing things differently.
My point is you may not be confident enough right now but as you do your journey away from your abuser to be independent, you will not only reclaim what is lost but discover new things about yourself you didn't know before.
Also, I just want to let you know that I sincerely hope you will heal and find happiness. I can't tell you what to do to resolve your situation but I just want to put it out there that there is and can be something better for you in life than the current situation you are in right now. :hug:
I'm at work right now and feel awful. I was in the middle of writing an entry earlier but never finished before I left, but a student was just giving me a hard time about me taking his test when he left the room for 20 seconds to answer a phone call. He didn't even give me a second to TELL him that it's against our policy for students to leave in the middle of testing, so I had to take his test and when he came back I explained it to him but he just kept arguing and not getting it that that's our policy. Like... I would be pissed too if I had to take an important call and the proctor ended up taking my test and wouldn't let me finish. But after about 2 minutes of arguing back and forth I just let him take it back. It's so... I feel so unreasonable even though proctoring is my job and enforcing proctoring and testing rules is my job I just always feel like an unreasonable person in this job.
I can't just not enforce "unreasonable" rules just because I was recently a student just years ago. And I can't not be "reasonable" because this is my job. When he sat back down to finish his test I ended up tearing up even after he apologized. I didn't say anything else. There was another student so I just (and still am) hid behind the computer so no one can see me crying. He's already left, and after that I cried a bit more and have been on and off crying. A couple more students have come in and can probably tell I'm red eyed.. I feel so miserable I wish I didn't have to work at all I hate that that student already worsened an already terrible day and had the nerve to tell me he didn't want to ruin my day. well you already freaking did..
--edit
I can't say for sure or at all if I've calmed down. I still feel irritated and just want to go back home but I'm only an hour into a 4 hour evening shift. I feel like I got upset because this is just how it always is and has been. When I say "no" or anything in refusal of something happening, nobody ever ..freaking cares. It makes me so upset. Nobody ever listens to me. Just before my shift I was telling my mom about how awful it was trying to wash my hair which has 3 different types of curl patterns and how in the end it didn't turn out the way I wanted and that I wanted to just cut it all into a pixie or shave it all and start fresh. And of course she just ignored all the stuff I was saying and mentioned how her coworker gave her part of her sandwich and she didn't like it because of the mayo... like nobody ever listens. Every keeps misunderstanding and acting like they know exactly what I'm talking about but direct the covnersation in such a wrong direction away from my original points. Or they just ignore everything and when I'm visibly annoyed or upset by it, then they wanna act like they were paying attention and actually care when they were and are NEITHER of those things!
I didn't even get to mentioning how I had so many urges to just take my scissors and snip off all my hair and not care one bit but I'm sure that would be the one thing she cares about. Me looking nice and feminine and pretty "like a lady should" and not at all about how my own freaking hair makes me feel.
Tea,
I'm so sorry these past few days have been so hard for you :hug: !!
One thing my Mom used to say that tickled me (and kept me from getting crazy haircuts), was, do what you want. It's YOUR head and YOU have to go to school like that.
It made sense and made me think about it. And usually, I chose to stay with the long hair. BUT, as long as you're comfortable with pixie short or shaved hair, it's YOUR head. You are within YOUR rights to do as YOU please with YOUR hair! If she likes it, great. If not, too bad. Your hair is not on her head.
I used to be a little freaked out when my husband shaved his head. Then, he let it grow back out, real thick and long. I put my hand into his hair and realized JUST how thick, heavy and hot all that hair is - and we live in a humid part of the South. So, for his comfort, he shaves his head. Often. Now, I just offer my help to make sure it's neatly shaved. It's not MY hair and it's not on MY head, so what makes him comfortable and happier is what works for both of us.
One other tidbit I wanted to share. I moved out of my mother's place often. Then, I'd have to move back in. There were comments about it, but as long as I paid my rent upon return, it was allowed. I've had roommates fail to appear on lease-signing day, move in girlfriends and move in boyfriends. I had one move out while I was at work! My point is, I survived all that. It wasn't easy. I was evicted a time or two. Yet, here I am - a home-owner, mother, wife, employee.
When I say don't worry about what you don't know, I mean it with all love and kindness. Yes, you may fail and you may have to scramble and you may even have to return home. But, even 6 months away from the birth family can help a lot of FOG lift and completely change your perspective on yourself. Therapy during that time DOES help. BUT, and this IS possible, you may just succeed and break free and, like a butterfly breaking free of the chrysalis, discover that you were designed to fly!
My point is, don't wait for confidence to move out - that's a sure way to put it off. Don't wait for assurances that even best friends can't always offer. Eat crackers to settle your tummy, drink good strong tea as well. Then, call the friends, make the plan and escape. Even a short-lived freedom run is better for the soul than stagnating where you are. And tasting freedom can become addictive, driving you to try harder next time until you are truly free!
:hug: :hug: :hug:
sorry for not responding to your comment Dwonderer yesterday. but I am really moved by your kindness and encouragement! :hug: just thinking about myself in a position of being able to reclaim myself is scary but it also feels kind of beautiful. I think part of the scariness is also being afraid of losing my "job" as the Fawn Entertainer of The House, so to speak. It's strange being the victim of emotional abandonment and feeling like somehow my wanting to move on to self-focused recovery and healing would ever mean the same kind of abandonment (logically I know that's false!). Your analogy makes a lot of sense! I want to be able to take ownership of my car and see my real and once hidden beauty.
also Wife#2 your words are super encouraging as always! thank you both honestly! I found myself trying to hide a cheesy smile (I'm at work so I gotta be sneaky). Since last night I've been feeling a bit better, but the encouragement sparked me back up! I feel so nervous, I feel emotionally I'm one step closer to reaching out and just at least going for it. I really think Dwonderer and you are totally on the money about discovering new things about myself once I'm out of this place. I really honestly can see it (I'm trying to wave off the thought that it might be an impulse feeling)! But some part of me really feels it like honest feeling from my heart :sunny: I also explained (yet again) my wanting to cut my hair (I'm new to having an afro after cutting my hair mostly off in the summer, so having a lot of hair to manage is really challenging and tiring). she seemed.. slightly more understanding and said "You'll just have to draw it for me to see" because I really like the cut. And having less hair means less product to use but also having an easier time learning about my hair. But I think I'm for sure gonna go ahead when I visit the salon. I've been dying for this cut for about a year anyway haha! And your'e totally right! My hair isn't on her head!! :thumbup:
(unintentional massively long entry...)
This last couple of days, I've been looking back at things I had a lot of interest in, like street fashion. And something in me just registered... or restarted or something. It was like a younger me was so SO excited to look back at that stuff again. I donno if it was my inner child (I got interested in Japanese street fashion at 14 but more interested in general street fashion when I was 19), but I really felt kind of nostalgic too. Those were such nice times. I remember experimenting with my clothes back then.
Part of me today wonders if that was the mimicking part of my identity's "lack of identity." Because that's something I do these days I realize. But another part feels like back then it was more of being inspired. Not full on copying. Not even full on copying the "essence" or "aesthetic" or "feeling" that I tend to copy heavily these days. It was inspired. I miss that. Part of me again is afraid of looking back at all those fashion bloggers and ending up copying them even their "persona" or the different ways they all carry themselves. I'm sure one day after moving I'll be able to re-establish my identity and have a better and stable sense of self.
I've also (clearly) calmed down a lot since yesterday. I still feel caught off guard by how that student made me feel, but I already addressed why I felt that way so I want to move on.
I read post just earlier about feeling the need to read other people's journals or threads in the forum and it made me think about "the way I really feel" about being here. I'm still having a lot of issues accepting validation and believing words to be true. Can't say I'm making progress with that, but I do tear up when I see or hear those words. Possibly flashing back to childhood when a similar situation came up and I never got that validating response. Not sure, but I ought to conclude that validation (regarding healing, moving on to a better home, etc) are triggering. Compliments and most encouragement is OK (usually regarding my art or my outfit... is that snobby?)
I also sometimes get this feeling that I ought to be responding to other people's journals or reading all the way through and responding so that I can feel helpful here. Like if I do XYZ, then and ONLY then will I belong. Then and only do I deserve acknowledgement from others. Like.. I have to do something in order to deserve to receive response or deserve to even be here in the first place. That makes no sense at all, but it's a weird fawn sort of feeling I get. I dont feel it has to do with other members, considering I felt this way on the blog site I was at before joining. And if I do those things but get no response, then I feel like I've failed (not only the site but myself too) and want to storm away and not return for days where I end up wanting to repeat the cycle.
I also read in From Surviving To Thriving about fawns being in developmental arrest, and the difficulty in consistency regarding recovery. I had done therapy those years ago, but only for 3 months since I had to move back home after the school year ended for the summer. The T gave me her contact info and I think possibly once I had either called or considered calling. If I did, I didn't get any helpful response from the person who worked with the T. If I didn't call, I'm sure it was because my doubt in being helped, so I gave that up quickly. Same goes for 7cups, which I had joined and stayed for about a few days and left immediately. I on and off returned based on how quickly I got a response to my help. My last experience was most helpful (over about 2 hours) but it also lead to me deeply opening up to Lily (I'm trying not to feel ashamed about that! trying to remember that regardless of response, it's still important to be open and not bottle up feelings!). In all honestly, I felt slightly discouraged at the idea (fact?) that many fawn types often quit before getting too invested in recovery. I won't ignore that, but I'll try to focus on just the simple fact that this is not only going to be hard, but parts of me are going to make me want to quit while I'm ahead. Maybe that's the critic.
I'm talking so much but I still have that unfinished journal entry from yesterday (I totally forgot what I was even writing about) that I was typing at home. Last thing though..
I just finished the very informative chapter about trauma based codependency. I could heavily relate! The Scapegoat portion made me flashback a lot. It also concerned me (though maybe not as much today) about the revealing of the self... I can't say I'm super secretive, mainly about my feelings that I got shamed for. I feel like I talk a lot about myself, the things that those friends and teachers back in elementary school praised and accepted of me. Like my drawing/art skills. I could talk for days about it, about my recent and occasional past accomplishments. As I was reading, I was starting to wonder if I might be a narcissist. I still have the worry.. I sometimes have a habit of not asking enough questions about people and praying that they can bring it up themselves or that I can actually remember what they've said. Now I wonder if I pay attention at all during conversations or if I am so focused on making myself look Neato that I forget to ask them things :(
I mean... I don't feel like I relate much to the way the narcissist is described. I couldn't really relate to the fight-fawn OR the fawn-fight hybrid types. I'm not particularly aggressive in giving advice (I haven't even advised in months maybe) and try to stay neutral and not forcing the other person to go with what I'm advising. I can't say I'm at all assertive (yesterday was a prime example, as was the heavily one sided conversation my brother had with me a few months ago about invalidating me). Even when people or friends are rude or hurtful to me, I don't pull out a laundry list of "But Here's Why I'm A Good Person And Have Benefited You, Therefore You Shouldn't Treat Me Like This" or something like that. That seems very un-fawn like and only until recently had I just not even thought about myself and how I don't deserve the mistreatment of past friends or my family. I donno. I can't really say that excessive talking about the one thing that makes me feel good would make me a narcissist. I think I should end here.
I'm really talking a lot and of course I still haven't posted the other journal entry (I was adding to it but something came up which I'll talk about..)
I really love my friend Zinnia a lot. we've been best friends for over 10 years now since middle school and we've never not wanted to be friends. But lately ever since I opened up to her about the reality of my home/FOO situation (and not just being annoyed with my family), I feel like such an annoyance to her. Or that she thinks I'm annoying. I can't even say that this might be intrusive thoughts. Just earlier we were texting and she wanted to show me her new phone in person and I wanted to see if she was free on Friday. She works to close but could hang out before but she said she wanted to come to my house which makes me uncomfortable.
I don't understand how I'm supposed to be comfortable inviting her to a place like this? It might not be hostile right now but it's still uncomfortable. It still makes me anxious. As soon as she said "come over" I refused and asked why and she just said "You really don't wanna be at home lol" and said I had food here and am close to her job. I told her I really didn't ever want to be here and said we could do another day and she called me dramatic. I was close to not responding because that made me so frustrated.
How is it dramatic to not want to try to be relaxing with a good friend under and abusive house? When it's practically impossible for me to relax unless I'm so invested in painting or watching videos that it just seems like I'm not even really present at all?! That's not dramatic!!! I know she doesn't want to be at her house either, but I just feel like she should remember all the times (looong before I even knew about mental illnesses) that I never EVER like being here. Codependently, yes. Sure. As my "self" absolutely NOT! Why would I want to bring friends into this place! I haven't had friends over since I was 17 and that was only 2 times in my entire life!! Even when "things were good" and we were living in an apartment (but i was sheltered so nobody could ever come over anyway!). Ughh.
This just makes me feel like a bad friend. But I'm not! Right?? It's not bad to take care of myself and not bring good people into a bad space? If she came over I wouldn't be able to calm down. I'd either spend the entire time drasticizing while she might be talking to me or on edge. And like normal I'd of course be counting down until she has to leave for work. I almost wish I hadn't asked if she was free on Friday. If I had just said "Yeah let's meet up one of these days when you're off" then there would be no issue. Though maybe she'd probably still want to hang out at my house and it'd stress me out and we'd end up in the same conversation.
Ok.. I still feel angry but I'm going to try to re-approach this calmly as if I'm parent of the Me who got upset about her friend (or if I was a trusted adult that that Me knew) and try to resolve things on my end if I can.
So.. I got mad when she said I was dramatic. That's OK and an understandable response. I should not have to be inside a bad and toxic home just because it might be convenient for my friend. That doesn't make me a bad person. Not wanting to cater to someone else's convenience, not forfeiting my comfort, doesn't make me a bad person.
I spent my whole life sacrificing my comfort for others, so of course it's normal to feel "bad" for refusing to do so. Suddenly refusing to be championing the role of the fawn.
A good idea when it feels like I'm being cornered into a self sacrificing situation (which was how it felt) is to make it clear about wanting to go somewhere else that's not home/near my FOO. Since she had to go to work, it felt like a better solution to hang out on a day where neither of us would feel rushed if we were to go out somewhere, even if we didn't plan or want to spend any money.
I can see how I started to go into freeze mode saying that we should just go another day, maybe to buy myself time to prepare for a non-work social interaction. I think I may have jumped the gun and refused everything altogether, which is understandable but it would have been better to take a minute and clearly think of alternatives to attach to my refusal. Perhaps this was a failed attempt at activating a fight response.
She may be annoyed at me right now, so it's probably also a good idea to text tomorrow and see if we can move forward with alternatives.
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I feel calmer now. the TV's been distracting me really intensely, but Zinnia texted me back and things are concretely fine :) I explained just briefly how I didn't want to feel anxious while we're so supposed to be relaxing but she has the weekend off so that's even better! I can breathe (even better than after I tried to resolve things with myself. I think that was good? I just want to eat dinner and relax!)
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edit (sort of? I wrote this on my laptop yesterday before going to work but never posted)
(wrote this entry before i left for work)
I had a dream I was one of my characters from my art story (he's an older, tall, shy/timid artist who now that I think of it probably has CPTSD too), and that I was at an elementary school. I can't remember too much, but there were little kids around in the class room and I was trying to leave but the teacher was trying to get me to interact with them a little more. I meant to note it down but I was really groggy this morning (I could barely open my mouth to say good morning to my parents).
I just remembered that bit of the dream and figured I'd check out what dreammoods has to say about it
QuotePreschool
To dream that you are in preschool suggests that you are going through a transitional phase in your life. The dream may also represent some unresolved feelings of anxiety or separation.
The latter part makes more sense (though maybe I'm also "transitioning" into a better understanding of my mental health?)
QuoteSchool
To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.
Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience.
I think that's pretty obvious. I haven't dreamed about being in a school in a while. The last memorable one was more like a nightmare but I guess since then I had been mostly unaware of how my childhood affected me in my so far short adult life. I was trying to read before bed but I was really tired and couldn't get past the page I was on without dozing off. But I've definitely been learning a lot, and it makes me feel better that my... subconscious thinks so too (that sounds weird, but it makes sense).
QuoteTeacher
To see your teacher (past or present) in your dream suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge. You are heading into a new path in life and are ready to learn by example or from a past experience. Consider your own personal experiences with that particular teacher. What subject was taught?
Alternatively, a teacher relates to issues with authority and seeking approval. You may be going through a situation in your waking life where you feel that you are being treated like a student or in which you feel you are being put to a test.Also pay attention to the demeanor and attitude of the teacher in your dream. If the teacher in your dream is mean, then it implies that you may be putting too much pressure on yourself to succeed.
I can't remember the face of that teacher, but they may have been my first grade teacher, or kindergarten teacher. From memory, they both look similar to me. I think on some level I've had "issues with authority" but I typically have always followed rules when it was crucial, and kind of did things my own way (usually the creative, rule-breaking way) when I felt I should. My parents have been saying since I was a teenager that I'm being "rebellious" against them and even now my dad still says it every now and then when I "catch attitudes(/act assertive knowing I don't deserve to be talked to like I'm less than a person)."
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I think there's a lot of journalling going on today and that's great! I always have a lot to talk about and I'm hoping I can start diminishing my shame about that (I already feel bad for excessive posting... but this is my journal..)
Anyway :blahblahblah: since last night I've been struggling with moving forward to read beyond the informative chapters of From Surviving to Thriving. I think it's pretty reflective of my life, that I'm struggling to move forward to moving away and properly healing. I guess I'm nervous about messing up and scared that I'll quit before I get very far. The feelings are still there but I ended up backtracking and started reading chapter 2 about levels of recovering and a few quotes stood out to me.
QuoteTo recover, you need to learn how to support yourself - to meet your unmet developmental needs on each level that is relevant to your experience of childhood trauma.
I think this is really important for me to remember. I think it's also, still of course, what I'm afraid of. Like Dwonderer had mentioned, it is normal to be afraid about going out to and being able/having to do "my own thing." Like... I'd even say to myself,
Who do I think I am? An adult? But I am! I'm 23, and not that age really means much, but the reality is that I'm an adult. I am responsible for myself now and it's important to be able to to take on that responsibility not only for my current and future self but also my Child self who missed out on parents who could willingly and lovingly took on the role, despite the challenges. I really do gotta be that person, and even more, I can't [subconsciously?] force that role onto friends or other potential newcomers in my life. They can aid, but they really should not take on burdens they didn't sign up for (the way I took on the role of Surrogate Parent for my brother). If only these words of confidence and sureness could be read to me every day when I wake up....
QuoteMy efforts to nurture myself in these arrested areas of development were limited and spoiled in early recovery by a feeling of resentment. "Why do I have to do this?" was a common internal refrain. Resentment that should have been directed toward my parents often boomeranged onto me and spoiled or thwarted my efforts at self-nurturance.
I think I've looked at lists and ended up quitting early because I wasn't getting the results when I thought I should be. And that I wasn't getting the results because I was drifting into shaming myself and hating myself. I end up thinking more about others and how I could be benefiting (fawning over) them, instead of how I can finally step up as an adult to my child self and learn and work on self-compassion. And also accept the fact that this will take time because this is COMPLEX ptsd!
Definitely have been reading a lot and working to calm down. Yesterday evening was rainy and relaxing (I ended up napping for 3 hours unintentionally). I thought about journaling but I think I was really exhausted.
I finally remembered to bookmark pages in Pete Walker's book so I can refer back to relevant readings :doh: The book is feeling a bit tricky to navigate, or maybe I'm just having a hard time figuring out what I need to focus on first. I might consider rereading the chapter about not facing physical abuse (though I am still acknowledging I was in FACT hit, but it isn't as prevalent as the emotional abuse and neglect). I'm concerned if I'm retaining any of what I'm reading. I feel like I am but only for a short while until I move on to reading something else.
Maybe I ought read a section and practice daily some of the reminders and validation. In my scattered reading I came across the 14 Common Inner Critic Attacks, and that section was really helpful and strong-seeming assertions that I could tell myself in the middle of those attacks.
I also feel like I might be rushing to finish the book in a "normal time" which just won't happen because I'm a very slow reader (something like 100 or less words per minute, factoring in comprehension and constant rereading of words, sentences, entire paragraphs). So maybe I'll read a section, practice some assertions or whatever skills I learned for some time until it's at least developed a bit before moving on. That might also take the pressure off me and help me remember that recovery is not a 4-week program. :no:
In other news, my bro and I are getting along... fairly OK. Still not much talking outside the car. Sometimes on Thursdays and Fridays he shows me what he's learning in his training course. He seems to be doing well but he could be hiding non-academic mishaps. I'm still approaching things as, If He Wants to Tell Me, He Will, Otherwise Carry On With Your Self-Focused Recovery. Focusing on myself is still tough and tiring and occasionally guilt-ridden.
I'm also still struggling with not having concrete.. facts... validation...something? that I'm dissociating because sometimes it feels like I might be, and sometimes I feel like I'm faking the feeling... and other times it feels like those "imaginings." I know the "basic" idea is that you aren't present with your body but ugh... not knowing sometimes brings about a wave of self-criticism.
Your faking... stop pretending to feel weirdly absent... just because you're so glued in on the TV doesn't mean anything... Just because after the show goes off or on commercial and you suddenly feel "back in place" doesn't mean anything. Like omg... please relax!! I just need somebody to just verify so I have at least one question answered.
Anyway back to the ol' dream meanings. Today I woke up pretty peaceful, but just before I got out the shower I realized my dream was kind of nightmarish. It was almost a war zone... a lot of violence, planes and drones in the sky being destroyed. Scary... but I didn't feel scared at all. I didn't even feel like I was there at all either. I was "there" but it felt like I was watching from within myself through a TV or movie screen (see.. now that sounds like dissociation!!... can you even dissociate in your dreams? I'm so confused!!)
QuoteViolence
To see violence in your dream indicates unexpressed anger or rage. You need more discipline in your life. The dream may also reflect repressed memories of child abuse. Violence toward others in your dream suggests that you may be fighting or struggling against aspects of your own Self.
Well the bold is ridiculously obvious. I tend to get really short bursts of anger, and not very often. If something "angers" me I don't usually seem anger, but I typically cry about it. I'm 100% sure I have a lot of unexpressed and suppressed anger, especially about my childhood trauma. I don't even think I've gotten ANGRY about it... just.. a lot of sadness and guilt. My fight response is so almost shut down (if not completely). That actually makes me a bit sad.
I mean... all these years (what.. two decades!) without being allowed to express anger. All my youth anger was turned against me and labelled "rebellious behavior." I was punished for ever getting angry about the hurt my dad put me through. Even my recent adult years, that I've learned to stop caring about myself and care about my brother's abuse from our dad, even my anger about that was used against me. It made me sick how my brother was treated but never once was allowed to express that. And still never allowed to express anger (or to even BELIEVE) about my own and his abuse. I've expressed to friends my agitation but it just seems to fly right back because they aren't people who can remedy that.
Anyway, in my dream I wasn't violent at all actually. I seemed to just be strolling by. I can't remember if I was walking or in a car, but I didn't feel anything at all. But it does make sense, maybe I've been struggling against the Self that is ridden with guilt about my past.
QuoteGun
To see a gun in your dream represents aggression, anger, and potential danger. You could be on the defensive about something. Or you may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence. Alternatively, a gun is a symbol of power and pride. Perhaps you are looking for shelter or protection in your dream.
That makes sense. I mean I am understanding the serious passiveness that comes with being a fawn. As for looking for shelter/protection, I can't say that for the dream Me, but for me in the real world, I feel that's the case. I think I'm still shirking the responsibility of self-compassion on some level. And that I'm just praying to find someone to take care of me like I'm a child... that's probably not a good idea considering being a fawn-freeze type often brings me to re-abandonment feelings in relationships (platonic or romantic).
QuoteCrowd
To see an unruly crowd in your dream signifies that the worries and problems around you are pressing in on you. You are expressing great distress.
Something I just realized. A lot of the aspects of my dream (the panicky crowd, the people shooting, the person running away from being shot...) have all been key elements of past dreams. I think this is the first time I dreamed as an observer. I wasn't really a part of the mess. I could walk past things but not actually feel the emotions. Normally in my dreams I can feel the emotions, and normally right as I wake up, I feel the emotions but they slowly linger away. But this morning I woke up peacefully and only when I was in the shower did I realize I had a dream at all.
Another thing... A lot of the violence... was missed. The planes in the sky, whenever looked up I could see triangular aiming symbols that would flash red to symbol firing, and shortly after, a small explosion would appear just behind the plane, clearly missing the target.
QuoteExplosion
To see explosions in your dream symbolize your repressed anger. The rage that you have been holding in has come to the surface in a forceful and violent manner. Your subconscious is trying to get your attention.
Well... that might be my inner child. I wonder if ICs ever communicate through dreams, because dreams is usually how I figure out what underlying issues might be going on or what I need to focus on. Like I said before, I haven't really had a chance to express anger so a lot of my dreams tend to do it for me (though I'm sure I need to do it IRL too).
QuoteAirplanes
To see an airplane in your dream indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Perhaps you need to gain a better perspective or wider view on something.
I think waht's also interesting is that the planes (from what I remember) were never hit. Or.. maybe one. I can't remember, but a lot of targets were missed. So maybe the results I've been looking for might be positive after all. At least... that makes me feel a little positive (so maybe my changed outlook will have an effect). Last symbol..
QuoteField
To see green fields in your dream symbolize great abundance, freedom, and happiness. You may also be going through a period of personal growth. Alternatively, this dream may simply be an expression for your love of nature.
The bold and the last statements are correct! I think... it's really nice that my subconscious (inner child as well? maybe) would tell me that. That it really feels like I'm going through personal growth. I feel appreciative actually! It even makes me feel a bit more confident too! Motivated as well. :cheer: ;D Dream recording has been so useful and important to me, and while things don't fully seem "better" than the first memorable nightmare I had on father's day years ago, I know I've definitely grown since then and have released a bit of suppressed emotions through knowledge over this time. Go me! :cheer: :hug:
I went back to reread some earlier journal entries and normally, my own words of self-compassion don't move me but I just teared up at this.
QuoteGuilt isn't your fault. Your unconditional caring for them, despite everything that's happened to you, says a lot. But for once, Tea, you've got to do something good for yourself. You can't keep coasting day-to-day, letting the actions of others and your own inaction blow you along like wind blowing a feather. Please for once, be selfish and learn how to care about yourself!
I don't feel sad, but I can't explain it. It's how I react to validation and encouragement. I tear up, because they're saying words that was never spoken to me when I extremely needed them as a child. I still can't say for sure if it's my IC responding to the self-compassion. Possibly.
When I was younger and used to write fun journals about cartoons I liked and school life, I would reread my entries "to myself" as if I was reading to the imaginary friends I had back then (I recently did this again, reading some old journals to new imaginaries..friends?). I think it was a way to comfort my loneliness and to make my room a place where I felt the presence of kids and some older people who liked me and cared about me.
Maybe my reading that entry I wrote the other day felt the same, and my IC felt comforted by it. "Guilt is not your fault." It's not. Nothing I ever did would be reason enough for the guilt. I don't deserve to be holding guilt over things that were never my fault. And you, timid little IC, you didn't ever deserve to have people force you to develop a guilt like this. :hug:
I don't think I feel like talking much but I haven't been here in a few days. I made the mistake of opening up to being neglected to Zinnia (I wasn't real specific and she didn't really respond to it specifically since my texts were out of order.. of course), and now I had to be in work early so I'm here and just.. ugh. I wish we hadn't been talking about that stuff right before I had to come in. I don't really have the energy to get up and leave even though no students are here for testing.
i feel like my mind is racing and I feel so angry but sad and tired and exhausted and bits of memory are popping up here and there and my feelings about them are coming and going.
I haven't read in a few days and haven't been practicing what I've read. I want.. should feel and be serious about this but something's making me not want to do that.
sometimes I feel closer to moving out and other times I'm thinking to myself "I'm fine...things are fine... what did I need to move out for again?"
but I'm so tired of this emotional yo-yo. I have half a mind to throw myself back into video games so I can just not think at all and just focus on gaming and not the * my mind is going through trying to figure things out.
Sometimes few words are best, other times, just a :hug: :hug: is what you need. Peace for your heart until you know which way you want to go today. Tomorrow will handle itself. You can't take any steps if you feel overwhelmed by the whole journey. Just look at today. What will help you feel happy (happier) and safe (safer) today. That's all. No 'should's about it. YOU are enough and just by being YOU, you deserve happiness and safety. :hug:
I know Wife#2.. I think I'm just still having trouble being comforted and validated too. I can't say I'm not feeling anything or much considering I cried a bit today already, but I donno how to explain it. I feel kind of floaty/drifty. I donno which end of an EF I might be in, if I'm just finishing or just starting one. I just want to sleep for days I guess (too bad I got work and people to please) :disappear:
Something I forgot but now just remembered, over the last couple days I've been asking my mom questions here and there about my childhood. Just to see if I could get some evidence of neglect that I of course won't be able to remember since I was so small (between birth and 3-4 years). Haven't gotten much answer, but she did tell me I stopped needing a baby sitter when I got to first grade. I forgot about the babysitter I had when I was in kindergarten. She was nice I think but I didn't like her son. He roughhoused with me and one of my friends the way my brother did my whole life. Thinking about that's kind of... :sadno:
I told her about the times I had to wait at "The Office" of our apartment complex neighborhood up for years after school since i didn't have a key to the apartment. She asked me kind of "pretend sympathetically" if I was traumatized being left alone, and I ended up playing along, but honestly saying "Yes." She continued the schpiel, patting me on the back and when she turned around I walked out the kitchen up to my room not saying anything else.
I donno if I'm feeling better. It's been an hour since I wrote and got off work and I still feel drifty. Yesterday I had a weird imagining that Lily had randomly come to visit in an emergency. She needed to see me and I was feeling shocked. I felt panicky and was pacing the room but for some reason I couldn't finish it. I ended up going to sleep crying feeling so alone that there's literally no one that can come here and comfort me at all. but even still sometimes i dont want anyone to try because I just can't feel it at all. i don't ever feel like any warmth is true if applied to me. I could be told 700 times a week, I'm not sure I'd really believe it.
I know the biggest thing is because I still live here. I just.. ugh! I really want to be thrown out. Speed things up. If I have to figure out all the "adult" things on my own then fine. I got sent to college barely even knowing how to cross streets with traffic. I figured it out then, I'm sure I'll figure it out later. I feel guilty I promised things to friends and never completed them and I'd feel bad to ask to move in.. I know my safety and health would be priority. I just feel like I need to complete those things so I can gift it whenever I ask. It still sounds like I'm trying to buy my safety as if it has a price and if I can't pay it then I can't get it or deserve it. I know that's not true. I just don't have the energy to complete those things. They were supposed to be done at least in September. Now it's already November.
Even if I moved I still don't know if I'd get that comfort. I feel like I'd still isolate myself.
This morning I had a dream about a child. A toddler on youtube who shares my real name. IRL I think she's 4 now but in my dream she could walk but wasn't speaking much (mostly whining or grunting). I was holding her had at a craft store and she let go and ran around to another isle. I went after her and she was sitting kind of grumpily. I brought her up to her feet and we walked over to a shelf that had some plants. She was trying to sit down or pull away or something and kept trying to sway herself out of my hands and I kept having to pull her up. I was reaching for one of the plants when a lady came by and commented on the girl. I forget what, but I responded "Well it's probably also hard for me because I'm not actually her parent." Soon after the dream ended.
As soon as I woke up I was wondering if that was my IC :Idunno: (she would be in my dreams, the one place that's easy for me to identify and understand key elements and attempt to act on that understanding). If so I hope I can see her again. I've been thinking about when I might start working to understand IC work and attempt to reach out again. But I guess she found me in my dreams. Though, we were already together, from what I remember. I wonder if I can get myself to dream about her again. Like lucid dreaming or something. Maybe when I learn and understand more I'll somehow be able to do it.
I'm still having a really difficult time with comfort/validation. Last night I was reading a couple articles on emotional neglect and abandonment and of course there were statements like "What you were conditioned to believe about yourself is false" or "The belief that you don't deserve better is just that. A belief. Not a fact" and that really got me emotional. I still can't tell if it's me being overwhelmed that we've never been told good things like that growing up, or if it's an inner critic combating those kind words with intense feelings of doubt and disbelief and self-invalidation. I'm sure once I've really come to understand all of my selves, I'll know what's causing me trouble.
I'm still having MASSIVE problems soothing myself when I get into an EF. I just end up feeling all the emotions and then drifting off as the emotions ease up. It's horrible and so exhausting, especially when I'm at work. I'm always thinking it's not fair, maybe to help myself realize I'm on my own side, but I guess I don't really believe that.
Before I headed to work I was actually imagining myself in such a rage. I had read something about kids who are emotionally neglected have difficulty with mood swings and handling anger. And I thought of myself going into the bathroom and yelling and screaming, kicking the stall doors, everything. Then I imagined myself in the pack of trees near campus, and screaming until I got distracted by my mom coming back to her office. I really wish I could scream. I used to scream into my pillows but I haven't done that in a while.
I just wish Icould go somewhere and scream in rage and cry because I'm so so so so so sooo tired. And then after I could go home and instead of my FOO, it would be a pet (preferably a cat, but a dog would be nice too, maybe both) and they would actually be able to sense I'm not feeling OK and comfort me to the best of their ability without making me feel bad.
I've been on and off dreaming/imagining as Rosie (one of my characters) and him being comforted by his partner about self-perception. He's the only character other than the timid older man that really needs/likes physical comfort, so he's been on my mind a lot lately.
I really really wish there was a way to physically comfort myself. For it to not feel like me, but as someone else that I like or care about. I hate that my parents are so emotionally unintelligent that I have to live like this now.
I'm going to go back to reading so I can continue my self-educating. I think I have a lot to learn about inner children and critics and flashback managing, so I've got a lot to brush up on.
trigger warning// emotional neglect/occasional caps lock, I had to step away and came back and realized how much I was raging
I can't say I'm on edge, or even drasticizing, but I'm feeling a little skeptical. Yesterday my brother and I had some laughs about a car in front of us was blaring music. I pretended like I was vibrating along with how loud it was (in retrospect, that was the entertainer fawn in me that just had to lighten things up). He said it sounded like our washing machine that makes banging noises and I laughed maybe a little too hard at that.
I know it's not going to last. Maybe he's seen how down I've been and wants to suck me back into to being Little Miss Sunshine. This morning he even came to my room as I was getting ready and asked if I was about to leave. The answer was obvious but he asked anyway. Usually if he's up he ignores me, just walks past my room if the door's open.
It's just a little too good. It's starting to bring back some guilt, but I'm trying really hard to continue focusing on myself.
Anyway, yesterday I asked my mom some more questions about my childhood. I've been realizing some wickedly early memories and I needed to know how old I might have been.
I told her about the time my dad and I were coming to a grocery store. As we entered, we saw a little kid about my age (my mom said I was 3 or 4) crying and yelling, something about wanting his Barney plush toy, I don't remember. But what I do remember is my dad saying to me "Don't ever let me catch you doing that/behaving like that." I said OK. I didn't really get why he told me that, but little did I know that's probably one of the KEY elements as to why I started to suppress my feelings. I must have understood him as saying "Don't ever cry! Not like that. Not at all! Or you'll be in trouble when we get home."
20 years later, I'm still following old orders.
But how DARE he have the nerve to say that to a child. It really... just... I hate that a crying child could ever be a "nuisance" to my dad like that. In our house, someone was always being "a nuisance," and it was either my brother and I goofing around or my brother and I having feelings.
How could anyone something like that to a child. A child who's got only 3 years of life experience. Who probably just started to speak coherently to her parents. WHY!!!! I just really @#$@#^#$%#$% hate that he thought that was OK!! And still thinks its OK! Telling me "So what?!" when I expressed how upset it made me when he told MY MOM to TELL ME "not to cry" if someone at school was being hurtful to me. WHAT KIND OF... god awful #*%&@#* parenting!!! Honestly the worst. The absolute worst. How any adult who decided to continue caring for a helpless baby for many years to come... how could any person who MADE that decision deny a 3 year old her right to having NORMAL EMOTIONS!!!
I struggled for years, I might still be young but for all of my life, being unable to express and healthily express my emotions. What the * did I ever do to * deserve that?! NOTHING!!! I was born and I had the gall to have emotions like every freaking body else, and I got stuck with the ignorant duo that couldn't handle that. Who pushed me off to baby sitters and a daycare while they work away and sacrifice to provide for me. Oh yes congrats :applause: :applause: :applause: The world's greatest parents could fill the economic need of their children, but completely flopped and BAILED on the emotional needs!
that's just the * reality of all this *. NOBODY cared. My parents didn't care. They didn't even TRY to care. They cared about all the things that don't even mean *. My grades in school don't mean *. How well I tried (and failed) to keep my room clean don't mean *. The major I was forced to choose when I first started college don't mean *. That GARBAGE newspaper job I was forced to take alongside taking 7 classes on my FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE don't mean anything. The garbage pay I got for that job doesn't mean anything. The classes I took. The transferring of schools. The job I have now. None of that means anything.
What mattered was getting bullied on the first day of 6th grade. And being told I didn't deserve to get singled out like that. My desire to be the person I wanted to be. Who needed support to be that person. How sad and miserable I was when my brother left for college. How worthless I felt all the times my dad blatantly said he didn't care about my feelings. The way I felt about that awful job, how I felt I got treated like some lesser person. How seriously stressed I was having to do a job that still continued even when I WASN'T working. All this * matters.
But for some reason I got stuck with two people on this planet who are so wildly emotionally unintelligent that THEY WILL NEVER KNOW. How lucky for them right? To never really know the extent of my misery beyond "You were never there for me emotionally and that makes my life rather difficult to bare with. Woe is Tea~" Even if I had the foolishness to bring it up expecting anything from them, they won't get it. They won't understand. My dad will continuously yell "SO WHAT?!" like it's his second nature. My mom will tear up or cry knowing she should have stood up for her children but never having the strength or ability to do so. Even my brother will shake his head in shame, not at himself but at me for making such a big deal instead of getting over it or "biding my time" like he does.
What a freaking awful family. And every single day that things "go right" is just all the more reason that nothing here is right at all. Fawning excessively as The Entertainer and The Listener towards the people who hurt and abandoned you over and over and OVER AND OVER so many times is just NOT RIGHT!! Emotionally abandoning your children is not right!!! WILLINGLY abandoning them like for the sake of "tough love" (as if I believe in that garbage) is not right! Letting your YOUNGEST child become the surrogate mother to your oldest child is not right!! Letting her do that unknowingly since the age of 8 is NOT RIGHT!!!!!!!
I didn't do anything to deserve any of this. NOTHING a person could do would ever make them deserving of this. I'm NOT a bad person. I never hurt any of them intentionally. All of my actions were and are STILL so based around how all of them are going to feel and react and treat me. I didn't deserve that. The kid I was back then, she didn't deserve any of that. She's not a bad person. She would NEVER hurt anyone. She would never make anyone feel bad about themselves. She would never go out of her way to make someone feel like they are worthless, like they don't matter.
UGH and one of the worst things is I can't even SHOW how angry I am about this. When I get off work I'm going to go back to Little Miss Sunshine to see my mom. And go home to smile sunshiney smiles at my brother and dad. One crooked look at I'm back in the hot seat, back to outright verbally denying any abuse, any failures on my parents' part. What a fun life.
Yes, yes and YES - you did NOT deserve that treatment and you DID deserve loving, considerate, supportive parents. Little Tea went through so much! Grown-up Tea still is also! :hug: to you, my friend. No matter how long it takes, I and others will be here cheering you on, giving you someplace to unload all that hurt and anger until you're safe enough to express it out loud.
YOU are a wonderful person, just as you REALLY are, without the Little Miss Sunshine mask in place. Ticked attitudes ARE allowed. YOU are allowed to feel whatever you feel, without justification or explanation. YOU are enough!
Instead of waking up on the wrong side of the bed, you somehow were put in the position of having all 'wrong-sides' painted black. They're still there, but you're not allowed to 'see' them, let alone have and use them. As soon as it's safe to do so, I'm sending you some psychic paint thinner, so that paint doesn't go with you. All your colors will shine through - happy iris blue to angry rose red with thorns and all! I will wait along side you until the WHOLE, REAL you can emerge.
Thanks so much for your support Wife#2 :hug: As hard as it is to truly feel validated it really means a lot to know you and others are cheering me on, and are compassionate to Little Tea, who I know really needs to know she has grown ups by her side :hug: :hug:
I think this is the first time I've expressed such anger here. I managed not to cry or even feel incredibly low and sad during or after writing. It feels different. I've reread it twice now. I still feel like I have a lot to say. I thought more about some stuff and things from my past. Some things have been continuing to click and a lot is starting to make so much sense.
I remember those little family vacations we had my first couple years in elementary school. Honestly I don't know how it didn't click before. I really truly do have a hard time "relaxing" and honestly I always have. On each of our trips, it was supposed to be "fun." Most kids would be running around screaming in joy but I was the Little Adult that acted properly. Didn't want to act rambunctiously or else I'll be in trouble with dad.
That time we visited the city near where I live now. There was a tall fountain that people (usually kids) could run around in. My parents had the camera out to video tape us. I kind of stood around awkwardly near them, but they told me to go check it out. I think I was 8 or 9. I walked over to the fountain, maybe skipped. I remember watching the tape and seeing just how uncomfortable I was. I wanted to have fun, but I was so embarrassed to even THINK about being joyful and hopping around the water like any kid ought to do (especially when encouraged by their parents).
I didn't look like I enjoyed it. I don't think I did. I know I didn't enjoy it. I walked around for a little near some smaller kids but rushed back, like somehow my "fun time" was up. I hate that, but I feel more sad than angry now.
On our vacations all we did was sight-see, but never really experience what the city had to offer. We never went to the beach. I live 30 minutes away from that beach now and I still have never been to the beach. My brother and I never got to rent roller blades like the cool adults we saw. Or biking. The last time I rode, I was still in elementary school. Probably 9 or 10.
I was such an ordered kid. I could never keep my room clean for more than a month though. But for the most part, I was a grown up kid. All my friends said I dressed older than for my age.
But I just can't remember any times I could really relax. Even back when I started college, I was always on edge about something. My first weekend away from home I cried so much because I didn't know what to do with the new freedom. At the time and even years later I thought I was homesick, but I really wasn't. Even my first drink, I still felt on edge. Even the times that I was without a doubt relaxed, I wasn't really.
But I just feel so sad for Little Tea that was on edge. Always reciting the orders in her head. Don't do that. Make sure you behave yourself. Don't let me catch you doing XYZ or ABC. She never got to really enjoy childhood. She actually never got to go to her friends' houses except for two birthday parties. All before 2nd grade.
She was so alone and I hate that. When she played with her own interests, dolls, drawing/painting, her own games, she was always by herself. She always ALWAYS loved watching brother play his games. I haven't in a while but I still enjoyed. But whenever she did her things that she liked, nobody watched her. Nobody took interest. Nobody cared about her stuff. Everybody let her do her own thing as long as she wasn't breaking rules or acting up. Some of the kids at school liked watching her draw. One time actually in 6th grade, a whole crowd of kids (maybe 10 or so) crowded around her in the gym on picture day to watch her draw her friend.
Little Tea's family never did that for her. I can't remember if any of her drawings made it to the fridge. If they did, she put them their herself. Nobody was proud of the nice pictures she made. I'm still proud. My skill is much higher now but I kept a lot of drawings. I don't even think I threw any away after becoming an adult.
It's funny (in a non-humorous sort of way).. a couple years ago my dad annoyingly called my brother and I "boring" when we didn't voluntarily come outside to watch him and our mom grill or relax on the deck. To expect us as adults to be outgoing funlovers when as kids we were expected not to act on any emotions that werent proper and positive (but not too positive, because then we're acting childish).
To have all these strange rules and expectations, honestly it's no wonder Little Tea freaks out whenever there's a change in environment. Now that I'm older and can go to Zinnia's house whenever I like, it's still difficult to fully relax. How am I supposed to act now? As a kid going to her friends house for a birthday, Little Tea stayed seated on the couch, next to the big fluffy cat, not really saying anything. Attempting to laugh when the other kids laughed. But mostly uncomfortable. Not really having fun.
All those horrible expectations made her become such a lonely kid. At face value, Little Tea had very good friends. Nice, they laughed at her jokes and awed at her drawings and made her feel like she was a good and cool and caring kid. But they didn't have as strong an influence as mom and dad. Deep down she was so lonely. Always truly alone. Doing her own thing alone. Watching TV alone. Playing her games alone. Drawing and writing her comics and stories alone. Decorating her room alone. Doing her own laundry alone. Playing with toys alone. Making her own lunches alone. Eating her dinners alone. Breakfast alone.
I just can't stop thinking about that video of Little Tea at the park fountain place. She didn't even look sad or upset, but I feel and am so sad and upset. What kid would ever be unexcited to go play at a water fountain with other kids? What kid wouldn't have gone bananas when their mom and dad told them to go play and get your clothes wet? On purpose!
it's so upsetting I'm in tears..just where did my childhood go? was there any point at all that revolved around me, that I was every truly having fun? if so why can't I remember? every memory of it is just so lonely.
:hug: to you and to Little Tea.
I have found in my middle-aged years that it is perfectly acceptable to be silly sometimes. My H was mortified, my step-kids delighted. I cared more that day about showing the step-kids that I'm not always stiff and proper.
We ran through a grocery store, playing the alphabet game and tag. It wasn't about winning, it was about relaxing, being silly and having FUN, even while grocery shopping. We got the shopping done. Yes, it took longer than it would have if I'd behaved. But, it got done. And the bigger issue was that the kids realized that being a grownup isn't all about frowning and being responsible. Sometimes, it's OK, even recommended, to cut loose and let the little you inside escape for some silliness. After that incident, it was worth H's sour look. The kids and I were breathing hard and smiling and had that shine to our eyes. They may have forgotten, but I'll never forget the freedom and joy I felt running, chasing after DS, running from DD as she tagged me.
I know you will have to teach Little Tea HOW to be silly, and that the world will keep spinning when she does.
Maybe start her off slowly. Take her to the park, just Tea and Little Tea. Smile at the other children, especially the noisy ones. Sit on the swing. Slide down the slide. If you're feeling particularly brave, stand on a bench! It's OK to draw attention! Really! Smile at random people you don't know.
My heart hurts for Little Tea and that the parents put a lid on her well of joy. Good news! It's still there! Finding the lid and getting it off will be hard work. She may not trust that the joy belongs to her - but it does. She's allowed to feel it now. She can drink from that well - she can have a TEA PARTY from that well (someplace safe that won't draw attention from the joy-thieves) if she wants!
Ok, that may be too much all at once. If so, I'm sorry. I just get so excited at the prospect that Little Tea could finally discover fun and joy and laughter till tears rolled down her face. She will, you will. I have faith in the both of you. :hug:
You are so kind Wife#2 like so incredibly kindhearted :yes: :hug: Your grocery store-y (heheh) was really cute and sounds like so much fun! Grocery shopping can be really boring (both when you're the kid and the adult, I've learned) but that's super nice you had some good fun with your stepkids!
I love going to the park so I really love your ideas to take Little Tea to the park! I always head straight for the swings! The first time I visited one a couple miles from my house right before college it was a dream! I swung like a kid and I still do!
Your compassion for her is really amazing! And you're excitement was definitely not too much! It's so uplifting I caught myself smiling a lot! :hug: :hug: thank you!
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I really think I needed that cry. Cries I guess. I really tried not to hold back though I couldn't cry out. I kind of just sat in my chair and cried for a while, and then moved to my bed to cry some more. I was just crying the other day too, also about a ruined childhood. I'm sure there's more crying to come but I don't feel so bad about it like I used to. I'm kind of feeling.. encouraged to cry more. Not even feeling like it will ruin my mood or day or anything like that.
I didn't feel embarrassed or annoyed at myself yesterday. kind of just sat there and let it out and let the tears fall and I woke up feeling kind of new.
I'm still new to understanding inner children, but I would like to focus on Little Tea (and possible other? Teas?) and EF management, so lots of reading and research will be about them.
I think that crying was kind of new for me though. The crying and allowing myself to cry, without the bad intrusive thoughts. The whole time, I felt so upset at my parents' failures. How could they let us down. We didn't deserve to be alone like that. We should have gotten to have more fun, freely. Be able to freely and comfortably be more expressive.
I didn't at all feel annoyed or aggressive towards myself. I didn't think any self-invalidating things. Even more, my thoughts weren't even focused on my brother. Like.. at all. Normally, the terrible incidents with him and my dad would pop up in my mind and it would confuse me and direct my thoughts and feelings towards guilt. But THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!
That's kind of exciting. Really exciting.. it's actually confusing :stars: But logically I know this is what I'm working towards. Self-focused recovery! ;D
Tea, I don't know, but I think you've experienced cathartic tears. If so, that is absolutely wonderful! A whole new emotion and you gave yourself permission to feel it! Even the sad, bad, scary and angry emotions are worth experiencing - because they're all part of the WHOLE person that is Tea. Gentle tears, cathartic tears, whatever they were, it's beautiful that you could own them, completely for and about Tea, and experience them fully.
Those tears, might they be a start of mourning the fact that your parents couldn't be who you needed them to be? One day, I hope soon, you see that their failure does not reflect on who you are and who you will be.
Wife#2 that's interesting. I don't think I've ever felt any sort of relief after crying before. Just felt this floaty feeling like I was floating away from those emotions from crying and into a sort of neutral but not content state until something else came up. This is so new to me but I'm going to embrace it!
I had a feeling they might be possibly mourning tears, considering I was tuned into what happened (and didn't happen) to me specifically. In a way it feels good to see and feel this little progress here. :thumbup:
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In another note, tomorrow I'm seeing MG and his sister Pansy together for the first time in months. I'm sure they're going to ask me about moving out. I almost decided not to respond to MG asking if I was free Saturday. Pansy's commissions aren't done at all and I know she'll understand but on some level I feel maybe not.
My excuse is so poor honestly. The characters from my story, she wanted them but painted as children doing kid stuff. I was excited up until I sort of realized the "reality" of that story. Essentially, the story of the way things [in my life] should have been. That's embarrassing.. every character is an aspect of myself, but magnified with other aspects scattered here and there. I didn't want to be that person but I am and for a while I've been reluctant to write anymore of it. Themes of abandonment, emotional abuse, neglect, betrayal.. suddenly I was realizing how triggering it was to write it and brainstorm (through those "imaginings"/daydreams).
I still daydream as them a lot (as children mostly, sometimes as their normal adult selves). I don't know how to explain all that to Pansy. I don't even know how to explain CPTSD to either of them should I impulsively bring it up :fallingbricks:
I also started realizing how "different" they both feel to me. They have jobs now. Careers that they worked towards. I still feel kind of like a child and I keep fretting how I should act around them. We're a goofy bunch but I'm always nervous about if that changes while I'm still not catching up. I know there's no need to compare and catch up. But I still feel like a dependent child, partly because they figured I ought to move in with them.
We might not even talk about any of that at all. Not moving in, not trauma... That would upset me too. Not to think they wouldn't care enough to, but that they didn't ask. It always hurts thinking about how people in my life didn't ask the right questions or enough questions.
I know I can bail.. They're supposed to be in the town next over anyway so it wouldn't completely hurt (I can feel getting annoyed at that.. Not completely hurt? But you said yes already! AND you were supposed to finish Pansy's commissions! You should do that now so she doesn't feel hurt by your lack of communication these few months!)
I feel like I'll have to explain myself with my tail between my legs or something. I wanted to see about working on them next week since her birthday's coming then. They were supposed to be hanging up in her classroom back in September.
I want to bail. I didn't even let my dad know I might be going so there's that. Just when I was starting to feel relatively OK about a few things.. they wanted to see me.
I know I'm hiding and isolating and wanting to stay hidden because I didn't finish the project. I know that doesn't make me a bad person, so many weekly EF's since then... trying to understand it all... but even then I worked on other things. But my story and the characters, I freaked out about it. I know all that doesn't make me a bad person.. logically I know that. I would have been better to outright say that I just won't be able to do it right away or possibly at all. Maybe I should just go and explain and be honest, though I can imagine getting similar results like with Lily. It's been almost a month and no response.
And I was just feeling OK. As soon as I realize I've been slacking in my duties to other people, no longer being self-focused, I feel so bad. My friends didn't do anything wrong to me at all, and yet I don't even know.. I don't feel like I want to see them at all.
I ended up bailing last minute. MG said it was OK and he hopes everything's OK with me. I stressed for a couple hours trying to not feel guilty, but I couldn't get past that.
In all honesty, I just couldn't deal with being about all of this. And I know I'd have to at some point tell them about complex trauma but I just don't feel I'm in shape to do so. But also I donno.. I don't feel like I trust them enough to take the information and not abandon me. Or wean off connection. I can't even say they don't seem like they wouldn't do that. But this isn't the me I want them to see, and unfortunately I still feel like I need to show them my goofy fun-loving facade that tells everyone that Everything's OK With Me And I Don't Have Any Problems At All. Even though that's completely false. But I just don't feel strong enough to bring on that facade.
I don't want to go out and pretend to have a good time and when they leave, get myself shoved back into an EF. I can't say I'm not in one right now, but it wouldn't be right to pretend. When I pretend, I feel like not only am I lying to my friends but also to myself (and very likely Little Tea). I don't want to do that. When I lie to myself, it feels like the EF I'll inevitably go into will be so so much more intense than usual. Like... "But I was just having so much fun! I was happy! And now I'm not happy at all! I'm in pain. But just hours ago I was so happy with my friends and they think everything's OK with me but it's not. And they don't even know."
That's how it feels. My heart feels so heavy and I feel disappointed in myself for being unable to continue the happiness even after they leave to go home. It's not good to always isolate either, but I just don't want to experience that. I don't even know when I'll be able to push past and be able to show myself fully. I feel so distant to all of my friends. And it's weird and hurts. Maybe because I spent all that time building this fun girl persona that, now that I realize and am becoming more aware of the sadness and other "negative" emotions, I'm too afraid and ashamed to ruin it by showing my full self.
Last night before I said I couldn't make it, I prepared my hair and while looking in the mirror I was practicing faces for when I'd see them. I practiced smiling and laughing and that look I try to do when I want to seem aloof. I even practiced being sad, how I'd look when they'd ask if I was OK and I'd brush it off. Well all that was for nothing. I always practice faces. Like I'm not a real enough person that I have to make sure I know how my face should look when I need to communicate non-verbally.
Who knows when I'd see them again. I know recovery is supposed to be self-focused, but if I don't think about them, I'll have no friends by the time the year ends.
UGH and it only just occurred to me the massive amount of holidays coming up (including my dreaded birthday at the end of this month). I'm not excited for any of it. We're not a family but inside I still want to decorate and make this place look and feel like a home that a family lives it. I just wish it could be with friends, people who are warmhearted and kind and would be relatively easy to relax around.
I want to help my mom with Thanksgiving dinner and desserts but the last years I didn't or came around occasionally to help because I was focusing on how much my brother dislikes eating with the family (which then made me not like eating with the family because he was uncomfortable with how he's treated and ignored). I feel like I need to prepare something to talk about so I can just talk to him. Or maybe I'll play a game at the table or he can. Usually my dad puts on some * movie that either resembles too much our family dynamic or makes me wish our dynamic was different. Either way, it's always bad.
Last year I wanted to watch an uplifting Ghibli animated movie, but nobody was interested in that and didn't give me the chance to say much about it. Sometimes I wish there were more family members. If we had little siblings, we could talk to them and be fun and hopefully nice to them.
I don't really have much memory of Thanksgivings when I was a younger child before moving here. Christmases were pretty fun. I still wasn't super expressive with my excitement at gifts, and I always had to hold it in, even if I got a present I had really wanted. The last handful of years, we've been financially tight so Christmas isn't too much a deal. But I'm not looking forward to it still.
The thought of having to be together, my dad totally delusional, mom too, thinking we're a good family. It's tiring, considering I'm usually the one they all look to to keep it all together. If I'm looking happy and content, then the family is good. If not, I'm a bad person, ungrateful.
I can almost bet nobody's going to interact with me on my birthday like last year. They'll want me to stay home the day we celebrate, but not talk to me much, only for cake and possible presents.
New Years... we'll pretend to all be excited and hopeful for the New Year. Technically, my brother's the only one who really had any changes this year, with his training course. Good for him, honestly.
I don't even know what I'll hope for next year.
As I was commenting in another thread I realized how overwhelmed things are starting to get with recovering. Not even talking about still living with the people who hurt me, but just realizing I've got a lot of things to address.
Just the thought that I might not be as "present" as I think I am... and not even knowing if it's an EF or dissociation or who knows what. Baby steps... I know I know.. I just hate this feeling that I got put into this situation, and I have no companions to help me through it. I know folks here are cheering me on and believing in me and my situation/s, but I'm still alone.
I've got abandonment issues and validation/comfort issues and rejection issues and self esteem issues, even self-identifying/SELF-PERCEPTION issues and attention issues and relationship issues and communication issues and trust issues and intimacy issues... the list would probably go on if I had more memories of what else has caused me trouble.
I just feel so overwhelmed at where to even start. Do I start to work to communicating with my inner child/children first? Do I learn and figure out about emotional flashback management first? I don't even really know what I'm doing 90% of the time. Just hoping my autopilot mode doesn't start to consistently fail me.
Maybe I should just figure that the autopilot mode, I'll be able to turn it off when I'm actually in a safe place, and probably have healed considerably from where I am now.
The distant feeling still scares me in a way, and it makes me feel more wanting to isolate myself.. I just don't think I have the skills and the safe place to work on it right now. And it's likely tied to my emotional neglect. And that's something I'm learning how to soothe so I can re-parent myself in the ways my parents failed me.
And I think I've also lately been doing a good job at staying focused on myself and have realizing and recovering some memories that are proof of neglect. And that's helped me cry about myself and cry guiltily about my brother and how he too suffers (which is true, but it does not mean my own suffering, past and present, are any less important than his). I think the last month I've been progressing in that area. And it's becoming natural to immediately remember my pain and not drift off and focus on the many ways my brother was hurt, like I'm used to like he unintentionally trained me to.
I think also because I may be starting to grieve over lost childhood, it may be a good idea to learn more about inner children. Knowing what I missed out on childhood (non-material based love, physical affection, etc), and learning to provide that for myself. I know it's not going to or supposed to be easy, but I hope soon I can reach out and start to communicate with Little Tea.
And again I've been asked by MG if I could either sleepover or hang out with him and his sister. I said I wasn't sure about sleeping over but I'd see about hanging on Friday. I think I'm trying to push away from being asked the daunting "So are you interested in moving in with us at all? Or are things at home going so swell that you're fine with living there?" question.
I just can't see myself visiting and feeling at ease. I'm not in trouble with my parents or under the hot seat with my brother or anything. I donno if it's an EF, I just don't want to feel attached or don't feel attached and I'm scared of having to eventually leave. Maybe between today and Friday my parents will throw me out and I'll have no choice and I can start to move on. That's so wishful but I'm so...
I can't believe I'm afraid of hanging out with friends. Those commissions still aren't done. Maybe if I complete them before Thursday, I'll feel better, knowing I have a present for Pansy (though of course, I'd be fawning).
I'll probably be forced to spill my guts about what's been really going on and feel embarrassed and low about how being invalidated by my brother all summer and most of my life has made me feel and how it's made me become.
I don't like being distant to any of them, but I just keep getting the constant need to distance myself. And I'm sure if I see them I won't at all be really aware of what's really happening. I'll know I'm there and I'll function like a normal person but not have any real feelings about anything.
I also don't want to lie and pretend everything is OK or relatively OK. It's not. In reality I don't want anything to break this facade of being happy and fun and outgoing. That's the Tea that they know. It's held up pretty well for the last 3 years they've known me, but keeping up the charade is so exhausting. And it's lonely. Them not really knowing what's going on, me wishing they knew what was going on so I wouldn't feel lonely, but also me not wanting them to know so they don't abandon me. I'm so tired and overwhelmed.
I had this kind of unsettling dream that I quickly recovered from. My brother was there and he was saying "Sure, you won't talk to me, I won't talk to you." And I felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt. We've been on "play" terms lately despite my futile attempts at trying to prolong my role as The Entertainer Fawn, but it hasn't really been strained at all. He's been busy studying for his training course so we having been talking that much.
I did get away from that guilt feeling, but I just wonder why it came up. Maybe I do still have a hidden feeling of guilt about not actively interacting with him. Whenever I do, he often feels compelled to do comparisons and make it seem like whatever I'm experiencing just isn't as bad as his or isn't important at all (or not happening at all). But I've been working to not feel bad and focus on learning to heal myself and be there for myself. So that guilt can just stay away from my waking life.
Yesterday I read a bunch of stuff about dissociation (idk how much of what I read is sticking with me) and I'm still unsure. I just don't know what it really means to be "present" and not just "autopiloting." Maybe being present would mean that I can feel everything and everyone's presence (physically AND emotionally) and probably not have a slight floating feeling. I still have that "I'm not really a part of this" feeling, not only emotionally (feeling detached from situations, like the time my mom tried to comfort me and basically tell me all the things I should have heard as a child for it to be effective), but even physically. It's almost a slight distance away. Like, if I was ever being thrust out of my body, but I was strong enough to not get pushed back too far, I'd be just an inch behind or something. I guess that's how I'd describe it. Ugh... it's so weird and eerie thinking about it.
Anyway, part of me now is wanting to spend the night over at Pansy and MG's place. Not really to get away... maybe. I just feel like I need to recuperate or something. Or maybe just a longing to be around them.
DISCOVERY??????? possibly... :blink:
I think... I realized this yesterday when Zinnia was asking me about a sketchbook commission I was doing for Peach my online artist friend. She seemed kind of interested and asking questions, more than usual and it felt like all the times my parents tried to show interest (all of a sudden, finally after much of my short life has passed) in my art stuff. I don't usually talk to her about it since she's not an artist and when we were growing up we didn't talk much about it then. But it just felt off.
and I realized it was a similar feeling to when my mom tried to comfort me that day a few months ago and tell me I was a good person and that everyone in the family loved me despite me doing things that caused drama or problems.
And I realized it felt just like when Lily had kissed me last month too and was saying those nice things about me and how she still liked me and wanted to be with me more after not seeing each other for over 3 years.
It's all the SAME DISTANCE!!! All of it. Every single time. I felt that distance, that detaching. It's weird to say that comfort and validation could ever trigger me to unconsciously detach emotionally. But... there it is.
In all those moments, I felt not much. I only felt like "well I should be reacting this way, so let me react" or "I should just go along with this because they appear to want that." Maybe I've figured it out? I feel like I finally have.
Not that this solves my problem of detaching, but I see what might be causing it. I see why I have trouble with validation. Even when Pansy and I hung out for my birthday last year and she asked me if I would consider moving in the first time. I mean, I felt guilt about the past and my codependent relationship (unbeknownst to me at the time) with my brother, but nothing about the present gesture itself. But in my normal autopilot ways, I said I was grateful for the offer but wasn't sure about taking it up.
Even on this forum, when people are cheering me on or wishing me good luck, I still get that detaching feeling. Be grateful! Make sure to thank them. Tell them how much you feel uplifted to continue your journey in recovering. Include a smiley so they know you're for real!
wow... This is probably one of the worst things ever to discover actually. I don't think I'm feelingless. Well.. I'm sensitive (or maybe get triggered a lot into EFs). I think all my sensitivities end up causing me to relate to the past and feel what Little Tea felt back then. I still wonder if I have to daydream to communicate with her (or if my daydreaming "as" my characters as children means I'm communicating or something). But I'm still scared to wonder if I'm ever really reacting to the present in the present and only the present. Not being sent back to childhood and how my dad yelled at me. How my kindness was taken advantage of. How I took on the affectionate parental role of my brother who also missed out. The guilt that developed with that role.
I even remember in school (both high school and college) being almost in tears whenever my friends and I finished our lunches and they'd leave and walk ahead away from me without waiting. It didn't feel "rude" but rather like abandonment I see. High school Tea wasn't an adult until senior year, so maybe that doesn't count. It still hurt and I never understood why I always wanted to cry when they wouldn't wait for me.
But anyway it just really seems like a lot of what I react to emotionally is all not really present at all. The negative things (that resemble past abandonment and neglect and abuse) possibly trigger emotional flashbacks. The "positive" things (like comfort, kindness, validation, etc things I didn't receive by my parents as a child) those things trigger this emotional detachment (though, if I see it happening to other people like in TV shows/movies/games/sometimes IRL, I think it triggers an EF or some kind of overwhelming sadness that I didn't receive those things). In the moment I won't feel it or something inside will deny it to no end, also causing me to cry. Now I'm confused...
The positive things.. even just the positive moments, I just feel like it's happening to someone that's not me. In another board I talked about how it felt like I was a bystander sitting a table away, eavesdropping on the conversation. I still "see" fine and know who I'm with. But I donno. It's hard to explain the detachment when... I was detached and not feeling what's really going on.
As much as it concerns me, I still want to keep my focus to learning more about inner children and managing flashbacks. If I ever move out, maybe then I'll be be able to have the strength to also work towards "being present."
I want to write this before I head off to work.
I've been so detached lately (especially the last 15 or so hours) and I feel like... what's just happened in my country kind of reminded me of something. I read someone say "What do we do now? We look out for each other." And I forgot about that. Not that I should now stop my self-focused recovery. But this story I had been working on for over two years. It was about that. Perhaps not so deep and strong as what my country's going through, but still I had always thought it was enough.
And last night I also realized that I wasn't just writing that story for those of us who are suffering and longing for something like it. But I've been writing it for myself. "This is the story of how things should have gone." In my life. In my childhood, in my short adulthood. I think in a way I was unconsciously writing it for my inner child. To tell her a story about a loving life that all of these people live, a hard life that some of them lived, and the better life that they were able to attain.
I'm not disappointed in myself for forgetting or not realizing. But I feel in a way (a very low, but still present way) energized to pick it back up. It meant so much to me while writing it. A lot of it hurt, triggered me. But in some way, I still knew I wanted to keep writing and illustrating it.
I really want to pick it back up. I'm not just writing and painting and illustrating for those of us here who have and still are suffering. But also for my inner child, I see now.
What a wonderful realization! :hug: Your inner child deserves this story and you deserve to be the creative force that brings it to her.
I think so too Wife#2! I wrote so much yesterday that my work shift went by so quickly! Every day I want to remind myself how important this is and will be for Little Tea. I hope the further I get, I will picture her, in every key time of hurt, picking up this story, the comics, the illustrations, the poetry and prose, and feeling at ease. I hope her eyes will sparkle and I hope she will feel comforted and joy!
I also decided tomorrow I'm going to go see Pansy and MG. I never did those commissions. I feel bad still. I feel compelled to lie and say my other commission took over, but maybe I won't. I also feel compelled to spill my guts and talk about all the things I've been learning these past few months.
They both said they miss me, and I still feel that detaching. I replied the same, but in a way felt like I didn't want to see them. I'm nervous they're going to ask about moving possibilities. It's been a while since I felt excruciating guilt over leaving my family. I've been pretty focused on me and what Little Tea had experienced and educating myself (haha or maybe it's me just now generally being so detached that I seem to not really care).
That last bit does concern me though. If that's the case I must really truly be burnt out from this * summer. I've been still crying about Little Tea, though I don't remember having an EF since either early this week or last week.
I've been dreaming a lot this week but I've been too tired to record them or at least record the key elements. My brother and dad make appearances this week, but for today I forgot what was going on. I also wonder if it might have to do with this detaching thing I'm still figuring out. Dreams have always seemed to be my subconscious trying to alert or remind me about something. And typically I feel enough to record it all instantly. Not this week though. :Idunno: We'll see. Still nervous about seeing friends tomorrow.
Before meeting with them, try all your relaxing methods you know - yoga or mindfulness or whatever works for you right now. Deep breathing if that will help. Then, try to let the conversation happen organically.
I want to recommend not lying to your friend. With guilt and fear trying to build up in your system, you don't need the added ammunition right now. If they ask about moving, tell them your truth. If you'd love to, but don't see this being the right time - say that. If you changed your mind - say that!
While I do say don't lie, that doesn't mean you have to tell them everything that's been blocking the artistic process. Be truthful without full disclosure.
An example in my life: My husband asks how my day was. There are the following answer options:
A) Productive. It was busy and I got a lot done. I feel good about today.
B) Fine. I was busy. Is dinner ready yet?
C) Wow, what a day. I had problems all morning and challenges all afternoon. I got a lot done and I feel really good about handling all those issues and making everyone happy.
I usually go with B, but A happens sometimes, too. C might happen, but later, after I've asked about HIS day and we've had dinner. All three are true and all three describe my day and answer my husband's question. I read his mood (grumpy face, happy face, actual hug when I get in) and decide from there which answer will be received the best. I keep it true, but decide during the conversation how much to disclose.
Maybe you could make a list of true answers, with varying degrees of detail, and decide during the conversation which one feels best to actually say. For both big issues likely to come up - the commission and the idea of moving out.
The biggest thing to remember is that you WILL survive, and your friendship will survive, if they are disappointed or even upset! Really! True friends can be upset with each other and still love each other and still want to be around each other! As bad as I've let one of my best friends in the world down, she still considers me a heart-sister and wants me included in her life. That's how true friends are!
Thanks for the tips Wife#2 :) I'm going to see about practicing tonight and again tomorrow morning.
I don't really want to lie, just.. every time I met up with them and they ask how things are going, I jump straight to lying or brushing everything off like "It's terrible but whatever ;D " and I definitely don't want to do that either. I think I'll write some scenarios here, so if I get nervous again tomorrow I can look them over and practice what will feel right.
Pansy asks how the commissions are going. Options:
- I only got up to sketching everything out. Only one of the six are ready to paint. I didn't realize how long they would actually take.
- Everything's sketched but I haven't gotten to painting them yet.
- I didn't get to painting any of them, a lot's been going on since we last met up.
2 or 3 sounds like what I would lean to. Possible follow up, Has everything been OK? (also possibly the first question they'll ask when I get in the car)
- Hmm not really, but I'll live.
- *shrug* No *avoid eye contact*
- Not exactly, I've been trying to learn about stuff so I can cope with being at home all the time.
I'd like to be able to say #3 but I'll probably stick to old habit and go for #1. If I get to say much more than that before making them uncomfortable, maybe I can non-specifically say I'm learning about ongoing childhood trauma and how to deal with the affects now that I'm an adult. Either or both of them will say something like "That's good." And we'll probably move on or ask me more (either way it's upsetting because I deeply would like to be able to get them to know like... how frustrating and emotional it's been, more than they've ever seen out of me (which is not much) and more than I lead on (also not much). If they ask it'll be emotional too).
I think I should answer slowly and not always so immediately, think about what I'm going to say and whether in that moment I'm comfortable saying it out loud. The ideal is still to let them know what's been going on has been incredibly tough and draining.
And to the even bigger question, about moving. Have I thought more about moving in with them? Options
- Yeah... I really want to, but I don't know if I even can.
- I have, and right now I don't know if it's a good time to leave. I've been having a lot of guilt about leaving and I don't know if it's a good idea right now.
- Yes and I want to move out, I just don't know what to do about it now and after the fact (IMPULSIVE CHOICE)
It'd be a blessing to say #3. Still, while I'm feeling less guilty these days, I still feel like I will get into trouble and I've got no clue how to bring it up to my parents.
Now that I'm writing that, I think I also want to mention that I earnestly feel like my family doesn't care about me. Like.. those are my true feelings, something I never thought I'd feel because was given the illusion that all the material things and economical care I received was enough to keep a feeling like that away. I think that might give them some perspective to add to how hard it is to still be living here.
Ugh.. I should be prepared to cry in front of them. That'll be the third time in the almost 4 years I've known them. I always want to appear aloof and uncaring (not empathy-wise but just that aura) so I don't inconvenience them and try to be easy going. I don't want to ruin the whole mood. Maybe I'll talk about the stuff all together. Moving and my feelings about it and how they relate to my mental illness that it's incredibly overwhelming especially since I just realized it just months ago.
I think somehow it's going to be OK though. I want to keep reassuring myself that. It always ends up looking OK, but the feeling of dread (EF? abandonment issue-related EF?) when we leave to go home will surely be there. I think this time since I know what it may mean, when I get back home (or on the way home) I need to practice soothing myself and possibly Little Tea (if EF is the case? either way I want to do both) and let her know I'm still here for her.
Speaking of, IC is still a confusing concept for me. I never know if I should go about it the way I once did with imaginary friends as a child (and up until now even) or the way I project into a feeling of being around other characters, either as my characters in their story, or as myself interacting with characters from a new cartoon I like. I've been trying, and I never know if it's for real or not.
I had tried the "reach your arms out" and the "can you imagine lifting her up?" "can you see her?" Well maybe. I was able to see myself as a kid. I never do that. Never before (I even cried at work Monday because when I tried to think back then I couldn't get any image of myself as a child, like I wasn't sure what I looked like). But I've been kind of able to now. I think the Little Tea I'm seeing is 5 or 6. I think definitely kindergartner Little Tea. Strange, when I think of her, she has the hairstyle my mom would give me when I was in 6th grade I think.
Yesterday, I got new watercolor paints in the mail, and a big art catalog from the store I bought it from. I imagined sitting with Little Tea and going through the catalog looking at neat stuff, as if I was her guardian/parent?/caretaker, and seeing her little hand pointing to things and saying the color it was.. "red!" or what a drawing was "house..tree!" And this morning while I was eating, I imagined her doing that thing kids do when they eat. Kinda wigggle or dance in their seat. I made funny faces.
Still though... I don't know if it's really Little Tea or my imagination. I hope it's her. I'm nervous tomorrow. If it was her, will she be upset after I leave my friends? True friends won't abandon me, so I'll have to remember that, to eventually know it not only logically but emotionally too.
I hope I can spot potential hurting while I'm hanging out, and see about excusing myself and not pushing the feeling/s away. We'll see. I hope I can do things as planned and not just wing it as usual.
HUGS to you and your inner child. I'm no professional, so I can't say for sure, but when you do these scenarios, if you feel just a little better in your heart, then I think it may be your inner child that you are soothing, spending time with, comforting. Those little tender moments are wonderful for you and for her.
I also thought it not so strange that her hair style was from a different age - she's YOUR inner child. She's picked some things she liked along the way, even if she's more or less Kindergarten Tea.
I don't know how great these friends are to you, but I can say that great friends are a little uncomfortable and a lot honored when someone who was closed off opens up around them. Even with your aloof attitude, they were able to see that you wanted and needed out of your parents' home. That sounds like very good friends to me.
I just realized part of why I wanted to befriend you when reading your posts. You remind me very much of a friend who was very dear to me. Her situation was nearly identical. She is aloof, breezy was the word I used a lot. She is incredibly smart. When we got to know each other in our 20's, she was already haunted and damaged. She didn't talk about that much. I was one of the few friends she allowed in her house. In her case, I think it was the mother who was the narc and her father the enabler. Her older sisters had bailed as soon as they were legally old enough. But, her brother couldn't be pried from the house with a crowbar. She, as the youngest, was basically the family glue. I could tell that she needed out, though she never spoke ill of either parent. Over and over, I offered a way out and she'd seem interested until the time came. She didn't get out until she married. The marriage was rocky because it was for all the wrong reasons. Regardless, I kept being her friend. She was always welcome at my place and I visited her often at hers. When she threw her husband out (I didn't ask questions, I just offered help), she asked me to move in so we could split rent. She reconciled with her husband and by her own choice severed our friendship. When I reached out to her years later, she pushed me away again. I reached out again recently. She didn't push me away, but she acts as if we are strangers. After all this time, maybe we are. But, I still love her as a friend and want only the best for her.
I'm telling you this to let you know that real friends will NEVER give up on you, even if you shock them, scare them or hurt them. They may distance themselves for a while, but they won't just walk away. Unless you walk away from them, then they'll respect your decision. So, while you decide what you want to say, what degree of truth you feel safe speaking, know that they may react, but that does NOT mean they reject. Despite how your parents have made you feel about interactions - it's not friendship fatal if they react negatively. They don't have to be happy with you every second to love you and want the best for you. So, go with what makes you feel safest. If you can, also be honest, but first be safe.
HUGS.
Thank you Wife#2! :hug: It's been interesting these last few days but I'm still learning a lot. I'm not sure if what I described was her, but when I got home on Friday I was incredibly upset at having to return home, in tears and ended up writing about it, laying down and hugging myself. But I tried to see it as Little Tea. My parents or brother hadn't said or done anything to me that would hurt, but I was so upset, so I feel that might have been an EF. It felt soothing actually, and after a while the tears stopped. I really tried to think that she was there, and maybe it didn't work, but I did feel better and the sadness hasn't come back. I'm aware of the reality of having to be here, but my heart doesn't feel painful.
Your story about your friend really brought tears to my eyes. I think I can see why I remind me of her. I think in a way, I want to push friends away and think it's just easier that way, but it was surprising to see them and they were still the same. Maturer but still the same and still welcomed me.
Quote from: Wife#2 on November 11, 2016, 02:44:23 PM
They don't have to be happy with you every second to love you and want the best for you.
I'm glad you said that, because I think that's another thing that scares me a lot (likely from being a fawn type). The fear that any unhappiness with me from them means the friendship has ended. And why I want to please them so much to alleviate that? I think since we've been friends, we try a lot to not hurt each other because we all know most of each other's backstories. But after the fact, I feel heartwarmed that my friend MG said he was happy to see that I've been progressing in being more open about my situation. And that he'd noticed before, I'd kind of brush around it but reluctant to talk about the reality of it, and now it's different. I really appreciate that that's noticeable, and if I get the chance to move in, I know they won't push me away if I become even more open than I am now.
I did bring up a few things that I'd never said before, that I genuinely felt like my parents didn't care about me, even if it might not be true at all. I told them that concretely no matter what, my answer to moving in was "Yes." but I just wasn't sure what to do about the time between telling my parents and moving out.
I even told MG I was really afraid of having to grow up, though I didn't specify my fear of the reality of being responsible for myself. He ended up calming some of my worries about being unsure if I'd be able to for sure stay there without any issue of finances. And Pansy told me and our friend Rose that she's all for letting friends stay and working to sort their $*&^ out basically. And that eased another worry too.
We had actually gone to hang at their apartment, and I saw the room I'd be living in. Their whole space just felt like a small house. It felt comfortable, but still I wasn't able to fully relax. While we watched Devil Wears Prada, every time my attention went away from the movie, I felt myself distancing and even though I was sitting by everyone, I felt like I was sitting in a corner until my attention returned.
Even when I got early birthday presents, they were talking and I was flipping through a "Why You're So Awesome" book they made for me, and I felt kind of closed off, and reading some of the things that didn't feel true didn't help. I teared up a bit and I think Pansy noticed but she didn't say anything.
Every now and then I could feel MG looking at me, I think to see if I was doing OK (this was after I told him about complex trauma and how I've been trying not to invalidate myself). I teared up just a moment ago, feeling bad about it, but I'm trying to see it as a nice gesture. Like... this person cares about you, ya know? It doesn't feel like happy tears though.
Anyway, I think Pansy and MG know I want to move in. There's no question. I want to move in before the year ends, and I told them that. There's just the standing to my parents and saying I want to move out, and how strange the place will feel before I'm officially moved out. I wish I didn't have to.
I ended up posting to my blog about how upset I was to return home. I got home just having wiped tears away from the car ride home, and my mom was in my room behind the door and she didn't see me upset, so I kept them closed pretending to ask her to leave so I could get redressed. I just really honest to my heart wanted to be like "Yeah I'll move out right now today, just go home and get all my stuff and bring it back." I don't feel bad about not being able to, just having to wait and how I've got to get the courage to get myself out of here because no one else can do it but me.
I think a part of me other than lack of courage, is still dragging her feet. I'm still putting my art on my walls and reorganizing my art desk to make it feel new, like the constant change will make this house more bearable. I still have another chance to make it concrete. This weekend is our Friendsgiving and hopefully I can do something confidently.
In some other news, I've been deep breathing. I do it for a while until I feel like I need to do it 10 more times. Last night was particular. I showed my mom my new desk set up and she was looking at the work on my walls and said when she gets her new office desk, she wants me do make a bunch of art for her. I told her it was ironic that now they wanted me for my skills. She said she and my dad have always supported me in everything I did. WRONG!!! WRONG WRONG!!! :pissed: I said it wasn't true but she ended up changing the subject. We went back downstairs and I was doing dinner and I forget what but she said "I guess I'll just go back to my place (in the dinning room at her laptop)" and then one of the taco shells fell to the floor I slammed them onto the plate to microwave, and I got so angry and had to go upstairs. I ended up doing my deep breathing and cooled off, and did it 10 more times after I felt more relaxed and went back downstairs.
I think that was good because I know I would have yelled at her and felt like my dad does when he gets angry. I gave her her dinner when I was done and she thanked me and I said "you're welcome" instead of "sure" or "yeah" like I would if I was annoyed.
So far that's the one thing I've been able to do. I might go find my bubble blowers because Pansy's sister brought it up when she mentioned her daughter was in therapy and used bubbles to be a therapeutic thing. She thought it was silly, but I agreed, and I love blowing bubbles. I forgot about them, but I'll hunt for them later to add to my initial self-calming toolbox :)
But all in all... they know I want to move out, and they know that my guilt has been lessening greatly in just the last month. I know if I move out, healing will be easier, though still challenging. If I move out, I'll be forced to be an adult for myself, which I've done before. Having to figure things out for myself, and I know my friends will still be there.
Oof... I'm starting to feel how anxious I was last week, and feeling it pass too. I hadn't seen Rose since last september on her birthday, and the others since summer. I feel kind of relieved that I decided to see them and stop brushing them off. I got to say things I've been needing to say and I'm really glad they understand and aren't being forceful about me moving in (though, that would really help actually if they could literally drag me and keep me in their apartment and get all my things here). They even talked about getting movers... it seems real. But it hasn't hit me like that yet. My heart will be fluttering on that day.
Earlier, I told my mom about the 3rd room in MG and Pansy's apartment. I said it was for me if I wanted to move in, and she didn't say much to that.
It's still frustrating, maybe she's just forgetting how I've felt about everyone in the few times I've told her in the last couple years. I've blatantly told her my dad was emotionally abusive. Blatantly said I wish I could move out. All times when my dad was in a rampage or being horrible to my brother. So.. why push all that aside and act confused or hurt when I hint at wanting to move out? I don't want to be rude about it and blame her for being "old" when she's only 57 but she does forget certain things a lot and it hurts when it feels like she either wasn't paying attention or didn't really care whenever I express my dislike having to live here.
She even jokes about me moving out once I get married and it always makes me sick to my stomach. To think I would still be here while I'm dating someone. In what world does she live in where I'm going to be dating someone?
Even more that I think about it, I know I won't marry a man anyway. My label is pretty loose (once bisexual, then "queer", then pansexual, now queer again), but typically gender doesn't have a negative influence on potential romantic relationships (though in the last year I'm very against dating men, and knowing despite my attraction, I'm valid in my choice for my own safety).
So I just can't see myself living here (I actually wrote "there" so is that a step closer to my final decision?).
TRIGGER WARNING // SUICIDE MENTION
Sometimes actually... I wish I could get thrown out because of it. I've thought about it a LOT in the last year. It's terrifying. While my parents probably don't think about it anymore, I still think of what my dad said to me when it was hinted that I might be gay. I'd rather kill myself than have a gay daughter. I was 14, sophomore in high school. It went back to him reading a journal of mine and of course he'd bring it up to me. Even to this day, I don't understand why he'd say that to me at that age.
Even more, I sometimes wish he did. Though, at that age it would bring me incredible guilt, thinking I'd "caused" that to happen. I think my anger about it is valid. My sadness at the time was valid too. And my confusion. How any parent could think saying that to a kid is the right thing. It's funny, my parents aren't that religious anyway. I never went to church.
At first I didn't want to think about this, but I think it's all the more reason to move out. And feel safer. I'm only out to my 5 friends and one of my coworkers. I'm not obligated to be out, but I am obligated to be in a safe space.
One thing I should have asked my friends.. is if moving out guaranteed never having to come back here. I'm sure it might. Or things might get better on my end where I can support myself if they become unable to help out.
Maybe Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years will go so horribly wrong that my moving out will make sense to them. I know it shouldn't have to be that way though, but I'd really rather go through it than muster up real strength to confront them when no drama has happened since September.
Tea,
I am so glad that you discovered that you have genuine friends. Don't be upset with yourself for the 'floating / alone' feelings. That will happen from time to time. Especially as you explore stepping out into a great unknown.
HUGS to you and hopefully a peaceful, productive day is ahead!
Thank you as always Wife#2! I'm really trying hard to accept their kindness for what it is, kindness, and not as a reward for doing good or nice things to or for them. I'll try not to be upset about the floating/distance feelings. I still try to spot when I'm feeling them, though I only realize a little while after thinking to myself "hmm, I feel like I'm not really here/sitting in a corner," not immediately realizing what's happening. I shouldn't be hard on myself about it. Thank you also, Wife#2 for being such a nice friend to me! :hug: ;D
Tea, I consider it an honor to call you friend! And you returning the title makes me feel even more honored. You are, from all your posts, a thoughtful, kind person. I am glad to know you! :yourock: :bighug:
:bighug: I'm really glad Wife#2!! :yourock: as well!!
This morning I may have annoyed/aggravated my dad. We were running a minute late (my brother needs to get to the city for his course) and I went to the kitchen to help my mom with packing. I took the milk out since she was pouring her cereal and when I was done putting it in her bottle, she said she didn't need it. So as I turned to the fridge to open it, my dad came in to close the milk. I grabbed and he said hold on. So I held for a second and then (foolishly not saying "I'll tighten it, no worry") tightened the cap as he said "Hold on!" again. I said it's ok so that we don't waste any time (implying "I can do it faster than you") and as I walked out the kitchen he said "What's that?!" in his loud "I dare you to be being disrespectful right now!" voice. I repeated myself and then moved on. He seemed to be annoyed I guess, not sure. He asked my mom if she was wearing the jacket he had grabbed, and when she said yes, I offered to take it to her and he said "Just go ahead, I'll give it to her" so I went to the car.
Fast forward a minute later, my mom got into the car and looked at me like something was up (I assume my dad momentarily raged about me to her while they were still in the house. I didn't care visibly but since then (since his loud voice in the kitchen actually) I've been on edge. In the car I acted unbothered, chatted with my brother about something funny.
Like... on one hand, the Adult thing to do would have been to just let him screw the cap on the milk. It wasn't even about screwing the cap on so milk wouldn't spill, but having control over me. "Hold on." But someone logical and neutral would say it was about the milk.
I could have even said "Oh don't worry I got it." Because I did have it.
I didn't really have to make that comment about wasting time. In retrospect, I felt the same as I did the last time I got in trouble for speaking without thinking. Like that wasn't me speaking, but it was. But really I don't care.
I mean if this blows up, it'll give me a reason to move out. And they'll see why. I would be doing myself and Little Tea justice if I moved out. My whole childhood was such a daydream. Imagining I wasn't really living with everyone, but a dormitory with at least 20 friends that I got to "see" every dad and "live with" every day.
Doesn't that ALONE say how much as a child I did not enjoy living at home?!?? Spaced out for hours if I wasn't with my brother, and even then my "friends" and I developed telepathy so we could "communicate" if I was too embarrassed to whisper-speak to these imaginary friends (something I learned from the show Ghost in the Shell). Doesn't that say how much I just didn't or couldn't feel safe "being present." Whatever that even means!!
Seriously, even if I was to just say, forget everything that's happened to me as an adult. Gone. Just... the sight of my childhood. 17 and under right? Just all of that. Didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve to be in that space. God why am I still writing when I'm at work it only makes me more anxious and aggravated.
AND NOTHING HAPPENED!!!! My dad raised his voice!! And I started to feel small but tried to brave it out by being uncaring!!! Well it didn't work because now it feels bad. I blogged this earlier morning saying I knew I was drasticizing and heading straight into an emotional flashback and sure enough. I must be there right? It's not fair to be an adult and feel like I have no control or power. I just want to leave and let them deal with the loss of the one person.. THE ONLY PERSON that would never intentionally do harm. If the tables were turned and I was the parent or the older sister, no way in H E double hockey sticks would I do this.
My trauma... as much as it frustrates me to say.. my trauma has made me caring to them. And nice. And attentive. Learning and unlearning it has made me feel uncaring, distant. But I just can't live here and try to unlearn it all to relearn it healthily. If I stick around, I won't be healthy. There will ultimately be no change. I'm tearing up... that's the reality.
I'll be stuck in a loop of living with tolerable people, then suddenly living with people who trigger constant EFs, then living with tolerable people.
I feel like I'm being pushed to the edge.. it feels like an impulse, but I desperately want to tell my friends I'm ready to move in.
Why wait till I get off work to see if dad was really mad at me? Why wait to have a brand new fresh tangible reason to leave them? Why keep saying "I just need one more reason!! One more! Then I'll go!"?
It doesn't matter if my dad's presently angry with me. He's hurt me so much all my life. The stoicism didn't work. The tough love didn't work. The consistent absence of affection and comfort and validation didn't work. The contempt I received all the times I cried didn't work. The contempt I received for being aghast when I came home from school when I was 12 and found he and my mom had read my journals didn't work. The threat of sending me away because I wrote "bad things" didn't work.
It doesn't matter if I went home and found a new reason to be angry. Almost an entire year (December 1st) has gone by since I rejected my friends' first offer to house me. And since then, I've felt completely worse. This is probably the worst I've felt since I started adulthood. I had the choice to prevent that and I blew it off because all the guilt. I don't need another reason to be angry to validate wanting to move because I HAVE SO MANY!!! That I collected in just the last year.. ALONE!!
I shouldn't be here at all.
Tea,
Breathe. First that. Second, feel the anger. Allow yourself that. A simple thing like who put the lid on the milk should not have become what it became. You're so very right. It wasn't about the milk. It was about him having an opportunity to scorn and he took it.
One last thing, though. You made the best decisions you could make at the time you were making them. This may be what you needed to spur you out the door, it may not. Even if it doesn't, you are making what you hope to be the best decisions for Tea. You are working slowly to be better at thinking of Tea first. This is, thanks to your youth, not an easy transition to make! You are doing the best you can with the skills you have - and your newfound, small but growing self-confidence.
None of us, not a single one, is living in your house with you. We do not know your struggles or your strengths. Only what you tell us here. We can and do sympathize and empathize with what you face each day. We admire your strength for handling it as well as you have thus far. THIS is why we do not judge you if you use this to find the strength to leave. Nor do we judge you if you decide this is just not the right time.
Yes, I would love for you to feel good about moving out and beginning your new, independent adult life. I want that for you very badly. That doesn't mean it's the right thing for YOU, even if you are angry. Only you can know if, by the end of your work day, you still feel that moving out is the best decision for you right now.
:bighug: Just being able to feel your anger and know it's justified is a Mount Everest accomplishment!
I am proud of you regardless how this plays out. I hope you find some time in your day to feel proud of yourself, too!
Thank you Wife#2. Thanks for understanding :) I wish I could say more to show thanks but I am grateful for what you said.
It ended up not blowing up in my face, but my brother came to me saying I need to start doing dishes regularly because after my dad picked him up from his course, they stayed at my work campus parking lot for 2 hours while my dad lectured him about doing dishes (and when my mom and I got in the car, he said they only go there just 20 minutes before we finished work UGH!!! liar!!).
He vented to me some, and after he left thekitchen I was kind of in a dazed state, with a plate in my hand. I put it down after standing there for a while and went upstairs and dazed some more. I was thinking "well this is it. i'm making my move to text Pansy" but I never did. Just thought "I can't be doing this. This is too much... This is too petty to have become an issue (even though he said my dad thought he was taking advantage of my mom since she ends up doing them pretty often but that's my fault)."
Again, I didn't reach for my phone to text anyone (I think if I did, I would have impulsively texted).
I'm just really angry my dad lied. And I could TELL! And when I was doing dishes, he had this tone of voice that
I get when I'm trying to test the waters and make sure nobody hates me or is annoyed with me. Asking me,
"who's milk is that in the bottle in the fridge?"
"mine." (lie: it was the bottle I poured for my mom on Tuesday, but left it in the fridge since she didn't need it)
"Oh. Cos I was about to say 'Uh ohh~ somebody forgot their milk! *chuckles*"
"Hm.
But not did I realize while I was washing dishes that he lied and was testing waters, but he was also trying to PLEASE! To joke. Possibly fawn. Make sure I can laugh with him after he must have berated my brother in the car for hours about dish duty. Put one kid down, lift the other.
Anyway, I've been short with him since. I'm sure my brother will notice and annoy me about needing to change that so no issues rise up. If he does (what, Tea? use it as grounds to move out??)
I didn't say anything to my brother when he was venting for that short couple minutes. I'm still just really tired of it. I'm not mad at him for it, even though months ago he said he would stop coming to me to vent or talk about what dad's done or said. If he feels comfortable continuing, I won't stop him. I almost cried afterwards though. I think that was the real feeling that it would for sure push me to move out. My heart was racing at the thought of making it real. But I guess I'm not tired enough.
Or no... I guess it's still not the time yet. I felt very ready. Ready enough like my "old self" who figured she'd deal with the rest when it comes up. I've never really been good at future thinking. Procrastinate homework? Sure! Prospect of incoming failure due to procrastinating? Never heard of it! Didn't say a word about the field trip till the last minute in 7th grade. Didn't ask for reading help until I was in tears at my incredibly slow progress as a 3rd grader. Didn't work on that science project until the night before when my mom confronted me.
In a way I think... future thinking would be self-care. For me at least. Not future thinking that involves me drasticizing hypothetical situations. But future thinking that takes care of the Me in the future.
If I eat now at this normal eating time, my stomach won't hurt later.
If I work on this project now, in the future I won't feel guilty about not starting it sooner (likely causing me unnecessary stress that I proudly wave around as "Working best under stress/time crunch").
If I move out now, the Me in the future will have a much easier time recovering.
The Me in the future won't be around the same people who took so much from her Self and her childhood.
The Me in the future will consistently be around people who understand my pain, or at least show that they're trying to.
In some other news, I picked back up Pete Walker's book and finished chapter 2 (so I've completed I think 4 chapters now?). Not sure what made me stop reading (always been a slow and inconsistent reader after middle school), but I learned a lot and realized a lot. Something to note:
QuoteUnstructured social situations however, like attending parties or just hanging out can be considerably more triggering. Spontaneous self-expression feels like the same setup for disaster that it was in childhood.
Either way... relating often involves hiding a great deal of anxiety and discomfort.
I've always felt this. Not always knowingly, but definitely felt this. That other day when my friend was wanting to come over even though I said no. I talked about this in my lonely childhood thread. First the anxiety about having to be social.. then the distance and lonely feeling when I MUST endure it anyway.
I want to bounce off this and say that I think I may have been grounded and aware that I was yesterday. At least I think... I was trying so hard to think about what was going on around me as I was being driven to work.
How the trees looked. So pretty, I like the colors fall brings right before the leaves fall down. How trees blew in the wind outside my work window.
I like how the golden and red-golden leaves glimmer in the sunlight as the wind hits them. I didn't just "see" trees as images.
I always felt like my mind has been racing so much. Thinking of what I'm going to think about next. Thinking of what I'm going to write in my next journal entry. What situation I'm going to drasticize next. Daydreaming.
Must be why I can't relax. I donno.
Oh and something else I read in the book! It's always surprising when I come across relatable text!
Quote...in cases of verbal and emotional abuse our capacities to be comforted by eye-and-voice contact are undeveloped or seriously diminished.
Honestly need I say more? It's horrible the power adults have to totally ruin helpless children and babies so easily. Often without even realizing.
Tea,
Take some time to be kind to yourself, please? This is a process, not a finish line. Processes move forward and backward, then forward again. Sometimes, they surprise us and move sideways. That's why none of us may judge the other about where you are on your journey. As long as you are physically safe, for now that may have to be enough. It's not for me or anyone else to say.
So, daydream if that helps you get through your days.
I wish lots for you, but as the cliché says - if wishes were Porsche's, poor men would drive (ok, a little modernization - I hope it made you smile). So, I'll be right here beside you, cheering on your victories, helping you keep steady when victory eludes you.
By the way, you amaze me that didn't snap off at dear old bro, 'What does your failure to do dishes, and getting lectured because of it, have to do with me?' You have more fortitude than I have! I say kudos to you!
Wife#2 I'm honestly trying so hard :( I hate feeling "so close" only to go back on it because it feels like I'm hurting myself. I know I'm not a bad person but I feel like I am not only for wanting to leave but for dragging my feet about it. I wish i could just so easily daydream and be OK about it but it's so unbearably embarrassing that when I'm shaken out of it I feel so miserable because nothing of my daydreams are even tangible. I don't get to stare at the lake from my friends' apartment windows. I don't get to tell off my parents about everything. I don't get to be my own characters who have soothing and meaningful relationships. I don't get to be them as little kids going to the beach with nice and safe adults and play in the sand or get ice cream cones or get protected when a mean person stomps on the sandcastles we made. I don't get to be open and honest to a brother who would for once in his life let me speak about me and not about him.
I can easily daydream of all of that, but it hurts to come out of it, whether to go eat or work, and realize that it's not real, not in my access. It's all just a daydream.
:bighug: True, we can't turn back time and have those who let us down suddenly turn out differently than they are. One thing you can do is one small kindness for yourself. You already take little Tea to the park, that's great! Maybe give her that beach visit one day? The visit where it's ok to get sand in your pants and shoes, to eat ice cream and make a mess on your shirt, to pretend to fly a kite when all you really want to do is run along the water line.
I really believe that your FOG is lifting or lifted pretty well. It's that Obligation that's still getting you. Feeling obliged to maintain other people's status quo and/or happiness is a pretty heavy burden. It's small wonder that you have so little energy to try to break free. Even thinking about it can be tiring.
So, self-care. Even in a tiny way. Write something that makes you smile. Then crumple it up and burn it (to keep it private). Then, smile when you think about it. Maybe it can be - 'WHO CARES ABOUT THE MILK?' You'll know what small thing can make you smile.
So sorry for the late response Wife#2. I ended up taking a break for a lil over a week just to kind of stop thinking for a while.
Maybe not really "stop thinking" but to just exist and not think so heavily about my trauma. I ended up blogging a bit about it to just get the feelings out but mostly I played the new pokemon game and did some painting.
Of course as expected I got into a couple emotional flashbacks. I could tell, and I kept thinking to myself "Ok I feel this but I'm not seeing this as an adult." Monday a student came into test and I couldn't test her without student info and while she argued with me (calmly but still rude, saying that I didn't know what I was doing and that I didn't know procedures for a job I've had almost 2 years), and immediately after she left I cried, even though another student told me I handled it well.
After my shift, I ranted to my mom on the way to the car and before I opened the door, she said "Dad doesn't want to hear all this" and I said "Of course not" angrily and slammed the door shut. I cried all the way home and blasted my music. The whole time I felt like a child. Of course nobody wants to hear about it.
When I got home I expected my mom to show up so I could finish talking but she never came to my room and that sent me further into flashback. I was visualizing myself screaming and stomping around until the floor broke but all I did was hold in sobs. It felt suffocating but after a couple hours it passed.
Then yesterday my birthday I finally brought up moving out to my mom. Didn't go well, for obvious "mom won't let me go" reasons, but also "abuse enabling parent isn't looking at the situation clearly." In the end we made nice (or I did, even though she didn't bother to have a real conversation with me, but we were in her office so in retrospect that wasn't the appropriate place) and I just talked about some things I bought over thanksgiving weekend that I was excited about receiving in the mail this week.
Last night was so confusing, I got a wonderful and long message from Pansy who had such heartwarming things to say about me (which unfortunately still I couldn't feel, but appreciated). My brother and I talked about his course and joked around and laughed about the all nighters we pulled while we were in college.
But then later it felt like some internet friends were ignoring me even though it was my birthday and no one said anything. That maybe no one really talked to me because I'm always talking about how I'm suffering at home, that I'm too emotional, too angry, cuss too much, yell too much, write too much. That like... whenever they see my username, it's "ugh, Tea's suffering. what's new?" or "ugh what else does Tea even have to say." That if I wanted them to send me birthday wishes, I have to be cool and likable and funny and entertaining.
I can't tell if it was silly to expect that, or to expect them to see that I mentioned it was my birthday, but still it sent me back into an EF. My friend Peach had forgotten until late at night when she saw the one birthday message I received. And Lily never messaged me at all, still not since early last month when we hung out and she told me she still liked me.
I don't feel angry about Lily, just kind of tired. I don't feel like I'm really in her thoughts at all, despite knowing that things may not even be great on her end. But I feel like a yo-yo and again I feel ready to drop things. But I'll wait it out like usual.
And now today I feel kind of groggy and tired. I had a lot more to say but I'm too tired to write.
First things first... belated, but still...
:party: :cake: :party: :party: :bighug: :excited: :party: :party:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Even though it's really painful when we feel forgotten, sometimes we have to remember that our friends have stuff going on, too. It might not be as big or as painful, but they get distracted, none-the-less.
Anyway, I am thinking of you, sending you BIG HUGS for your birthday.
I'm so sorry you had such a tough time with that one student. Funny, it's so much easier to hear the negative stuff than the good stuff? At least someone SAID the good stuff, and that matters.
One last :bighug: :party: for your birthday!
:fireworks: :fireworks:
Happy birthday!
Chiming in to sing you a happy birthday song!!
aww thanks you guys ;D i really appreciate that! :bighug:
and yes Wife#2 I think it's important to remember those who did wish me happy birthday and sent me nice messages. I think the feeling of being ignored really outweighed and overshadowed them. the really long meaningful message, I know it meant a lot to pansy to write me that, and I know she really does care a whole lot about me as if I were her little sister.
maybe whenever something like this happens, I'll look back on the letters and messages and add words of my own to say to myself, to little Tea, so maybe it'll be an extra oomph to help her feel like those words are really true.
Last night I told Peach about some surface level aspects of cptsd. I told her about the emotional distancing I've been feeling and noticing lately, and a little bit about dissociating and a bit more about emotional flashbacks. while we were talking some stuff she said I think was attempting to spark some "awareness" or something in me. it felt that way at least, when she said sometimes I just need a friend to cry in front of, and how she felt better to do that instead of staying in bed and crying until she fell asleep.
like I always say, logically it makes sense. I also told her about shame i feel about it, though I don't feel she quite understands the extent of the toxic indoctrination that cptsd comes from. but I think she understands that saying "just let your feelings out to them" is massively easier said than done.
I think I'm glad I talked to her. I think I say "I think I'm glad" because I do feel kind of floaty right now. Not really emotionless... maybe.
These last couple weeks I've been becoming a little more aware of when I go into emotional flashbacks. Especially Tuesday night. And this morning and sometime yesterday I think, I was aware I may have been dissociating just for a short few seconds. Minor, but it felt like I had fallen out of my body, especially this morning. I was trying to tell my mom something, and I "fell out of body" and could actually feel it. Like maybe my self was tilting out ways. After I blanked I knew what happened.
Something I had read a while ago, and I'm not sure how accurate it was, but it said something either "when you're diagnosed with/aware that you have a mental illness(es), you're more likely to display the symptoms more often because you feel less pressured to suppress and hide the symptoms you may not have been aware of."
I think it may just be an increased awareness. Because I'm sure before I knew about cptsd, I experienced plenty of emotional flashbacks. I'm sure I dissociated as well, and now I just am noticing it more and more, the more I educate myself and work towards being more mindful.
Also the other day I read that it isn't necessary to unpack trauma. I'm going to find that post because I feel I need to pin it here.
QuoteIt's okay if you can't deal with everything immediately.
It's okay if you experience trauma and you need to take a while to sort through it. You are allowed to choose to unpack something when you have the energy and emotional stability to actually wade through it. You don't have to process everything as soon as it happens, you can put it away until you have the spoons for it and it doesn't mean you're repressing it. You're allowed to acknowledge something has happened and you're not in a good place to sort it out in your head.
You can take a breather and take your time and process at your own pace.
Although we experienced ongoing trauma and not a singular traumatic event, I think this still applies.
I have the tendency to quickly analyze and solve whatever I've learned about my past right away as soon as I recover memories or think back to things I already remember. It's a nice effort, and I should give myself credit for wanting to do that for my own betterment, but it is a taxing thing. It's still hard to figure out where to start first so I try to tackle a lot at once or consecutively.
I of course haven't moved out yet, so I think it would be beneficial to me to put recovered memories on the back burner until I've moved out. Maybe I can say, "I didn't deserve that. Little Tea didn't deserve that" if it gets to be really upsetting.
And in the meantime while I'm still living with my FOO, I want to spend more time
- learning to be more mindful/aware when I go into emotional flashbacks
- living here inevitably will bring about triggers, but being mindful will help to start managing them better
- learning to identify when I "fall out of body" and when i dissociate while people are speaking to me
- telling myself good things
- like complimenting myself
- validating myself (through either my main self (speaking out loud, thinking) or a "self" in the form of daydreamed characters (so far, Shiro, Jhendu and Hama take that role. interestingly enough, they are all men)
I think truly, thats what I can manage for now. I'll focus my readings to mindfulness and
understanding inner children and emotional flashbacks.
I've been pretty relaxed lately. I got a new tablet for my birthday so I can read pete walker's book a lot more clearly! but somehow everything seems fine. I may have jinxed myself.
I do feel like my family is trying to suck me in. While I don't fully believe they know how miserable I am despite appearances, I can just tell it's a tactic to keep me here. Only my mom knows I want to move though.
I haven't bothered to go deep into fully analyzing memories, but in the car ride to work I saw a person walking near a grocery store. I don't remember if they were carrying anything, but it reminded me of a four years ago when I was in college. It was so hot out, I think I was carrying bags and walking a long way between stores because the bus wouldn't return for another hour.
I remember crying at some point. When I was in the car I was thinking how at the time I must have felt sad that no one would come to help me. Not that anybody needed to, but I was sweating and incredibly uncomfortable. And of course I was by myself. I'm getting those same feelings again... remembering things like this is so tough, because I start to cry like I am now. I can't tell if I'm feeling self-compassionate or feeling sorry for my past self (I was 20) or if it's the beginning of an emotional flashback.
I'm feeling a lot of other memories trying to come up, just getting feelings of what my atmosphere felt like a decade ago or almost 2 decades ago or 5 years ago and so on. Just the thought of trying to comfort a younger self and her abandonment issues is tiring.
And now I'm getting the high school lunchtime memories where my friends would walk off without me before I got a chance to put the leftovers in the trash. How they wouldn't wait for me to go find a table after picking up their food if I was just behind them in line, how I would always stop by the drinks or condiments and wait for them all to pick up their food so we could find a table together.
Of course it had nothing to do with them, but rather my parents, but I still felt some kind of misery toward them. Sometimes I would try to walk slightly ahead of them so I'd be first in line. And in the future I'd do the same, though sometimes that backfires and it feels still like I'm left out because they're conversing behind me.
I wasn't really trying to unpack any memories today, it just happened..
HUG.
I understand always feeling just out of step from everyone else. I remember similar things in high school. Lots of stories, but that's for my journal.
That's one reason this journal is such a healthy, healing place. Those memories that just pop up, we can unpack them here. It really helps. That there are people who understand those feelings (lost, lonely in a crowd, hurt but can't really say why) and can tell you that you are/were completely normal to have those feelings!
Sometimes, it's enough to just have enough energy to get through today. Let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.
wife#2 you are always so supportive and understanding.. even when it feels like I'm in a case or remember things that just seem so unrelatable for other people.
I've still been feeling really emotionally distant and dealing with EFs here and there. I'm still getting used to identifying them (not much luck in getting out of it purposefully). Yesterday in the morning I was having another fit about The Summer of Unending Invalidation and had another imagined conversation with my brother. Then at night, I had a fit about Saturday when I got my birthday presents. I was talking to my brother about something, and kind of going on and on trying to explain something, and he was looking like he didn't care what I was talking about. I was trying to address that and stumbled on my words, and he ended up saying "I'm not even listening to what you're talking about."
Then I had imagined it had gone differently.
Me: *hurt and annoyed* You're not funny.
Br: *silent*
Me: *trying to hide sadness* I'm gonna go upstairs now and play with my new tablet
Then I got so angry. Again angry-sad.
Why!! Why would he say that kind of thing to me?! He really didn't care about any of the stuff I said to him this summer. He really doesn't care. Why doesn't he care about me? Why doesn't he think the stuff he says can and has hurt me a lot?
those were just a couple of thoughts while I was doing my hair for today. I was so angry I had to sit down and I was staring at a glass cup on my small makeshift shelf next to my bed and for 5 minutes considered swiping it off across the room. I never did but I wonder if that would have made me feel better or release some anger at least.
And then today, I woke up from a dream. Two dreams. The first i was in a grocery store (what's new, honestly..) but the second one. I was a younger child. Maybe 8 or 10. And my dad was with me. It was spring time so the scenery was flowery and slightly vibrant. He was nice to me. And gentle. I don't remember him speaking much. We were on our way to a flower competition of some sort. As we walked up the hill to the building, he held my hand and we playfully walked around each other, switching hands. I made sort of waves or dolphin movements with my free hand, feeling so free and relaxed.
When we got inside, the room was open to a outdoor courtyard that looked like a miniature meadow. The wind was blowing through the grass as my dad and I sat on the ledge of a wall. I turned the other way, and when I turned back, my brother was sitting next to me. I asked when he got there, and he said something like "I've been here" or "I saw your tweet/post." and then my dream ended there.
I woke up kind of in shock and started to cry for a moment.
It's confusing. Why I would dream something like that. I want nothing more than to be free from all of them, free of obligation and guilt and into a comforting space. I don't want them to change. It's just way too late for it to have any impact on me, and yet I have this dream. And dreams say a lot about what I want and this just can't be right.
It's ok to have loving or kind memories of your parents and your brother. In your dreams, they CAN be how they ought to have been. Not every day was a drudge and not every memory is tainted. That's allowed. It's also allowed that, in the midst of wanting your freedom, you imagine a better life had things been different. Yes, it makes reality harder sometimes, but it can also help you to relax.
Treasure the kindness you felt in that dream. You deserve and little you deserved that. If it's a memory couched in a dream, treasure it all the more. Just because they could be, and sometimes were, kind doesn't mean you are a bad person for needing to separate from them to get well. It just means they are complex humans like the rest of us. Capable of great good and great evil. Just as we all are.
Maybe think of it like this, if I poked you in the arm most every time I walked by you, you'd hate it and wish I'd stop, right? But, if you suddenly remember the week that I patted your arm instead of poking it, does that make you a bad person for still wanting to get away from me? Of course not! Because the likelihood is still that I will poke you next time I see you. The chance that I'll pat your arm is very small, too small to base your decisions on.
HUGS to you. It's ok to think kindly of them and still want to get away. That is the natural order of things, regardless of good or bad treatment. There is no room for guilt in the natural, healthy flow of life. It simply is what it is. It's life. And you ARE getting better at managing it. HUGS
Quote from: Wife#2 on December 07, 2016, 06:34:02 PM
It's ok to have loving or kind memories of your parents and your brother. In your dreams, they CAN be how they ought to have been. Not every day was a drudge and not every memory is tainted. That's allowed.
...
You deserve and little you deserved that.
...
Just because they could be, and sometimes were, kind doesn't mean you are a bad person for needing to separate from them to get well. It just means they are complex humans like the rest of us. Capable of great good and great evil. Just as we all are.
I think I understand what you mean. And I think for once, even just a tiny bit, I understand the words emotionally. I've been constantly remembering and thinking about all the bad things and it's gotten me very stressed out. Often brings with it strong EFs. I think I understand why, that I felt and feel like if I started thinking about the good times, it would be like I would forget everything bad. I know as a complex person, that wouldn't make sense...
But I'm so scared and afraid of it. Being a fawn type that is easily swayed by good things attempting to overshadow the bad. I'm afraid that if I start to remember good things, or kindfully treasure and acknowledge them, then it will feel like I don't at all want to leave. And that it'll make it even harder to leave. Every time I feel content here, when nothing is going wrong, not EFs happening, it feels like I've stepped backwards and have to relearn everything. That I have to reteach myself and remind myself of all the bad things that happened that causes all the bad things I currently experience.
And it happens so often. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm actually in the cycle right now and have been for the last year. Bad thing/s happen. Get angry or upset. EF. Good thing happens. Feel content. Feel confused. Remind self of bad thing. Get Angry or upset. EF. Rinse repeat.
I think the guilt is coming back. Or resurfacing, and hasn't actually been gone like I thought.
Guilt to my family. Remembering good things (possibly being able to feel kind about the memories), and yet I want to move out and away from them.
Guilt to myself. Remembering good things (possible kindness), yet I know they are traumatizing people whose traumatizing words and actions cause me all the pain I deal with right now.
I do feel bad to have good memories. This dream and my immediate reaction to it showed how bad I felt. I think it was a reaction to the guilt I have about myself and not them. Like I betrayed myself, for deep down honestly wanting a kinder relationship with my dad. Writing that made me tear up.. So I guess it is true that I'm sad I can't have that. Truly sad. Maybe I feel like he is changeable despite him being a unchangeable narcissist. The despite knowing, and having verbal PROOF that he cannot change
"So what?!" in response to "It upsets me when you always said you didnt care about my feelings, and didn't care if I cried." despite the proof no one wants to change for me, I still feel sad and possibly in denial about it.
Well maybe if I do [fawn tendency] or say [fawn tendency] it could be better. I know that's not true.
I know it's very complex and we all are. Knowing all these stuff, being more aware of when I'm in an EF... I still can't leave because my feelings towards my family are complex. I don't even think I honestly hate any of them. But I hate all the things they've done and said, but I hate thinking of them as bad people. But I hate thinking of them as good people too. And again, hate thinking about the good times, as if doing so negates everything I've learned, everything I've written in this journal.
BIG, BIG HUGS to you! <expletive they'd edit if I typed it> It's just not fair that any of us have to debate these feelings! It shouldn't have to hurt to remember good times. Yet, I understand the bittersweet, the pain, the scramble to remember that your boundaries are still valid, just because a good memory drifted into our awareness.
Yes, it's true that your father is an unchanging Narcissist. That will not change. He has decided he is good enough as is, so no change is needed. If only he'd give YOU the freedom to decide YOU are good enough and leave YOU alone. That's a fairy tale and everyone who is a child of a narcissist knows it.
HUG again! Because I didn't mean to distress you with my post, but I have. For that I am sorry. Your life is yours, your way of handling it is much better suited to you than anything I could suggest. Know that I am here to encourage you in whatever decisions YOU make for YOUR life as you grow into your full, healthy self!
It's understandable Wife#2.. I think it's important to still really feel things, regardless of my feelings...about those feelings (if that makes sense). I do appreciate what you were trying to say, and since I left work after writing, I thought about it still. I think that what you said is an important thing to know.
I think, not mentioning my parents, I owe it to myself at least to understand and allow that complexity of feelings about my family. Sure they are just as complex as I am, but still I feel as the person who was caused pain at such an early and defenseless age, I feel I hold the right to see them as primarily pain causers. Awarding them the full range of not only human emotions but human complexities, something I was never allowed to have beyond various forms of "positiveness," would not be fair when often I cannot even give myself validation to feel the full range and complexities.
I think in some ways it's been helpful to me to see them one-dimensionally, and tell myself "How can I see them as complex people when I was never given that right? When I now, as an adult, cannot feel complex feelings without guilt or regret?"
I think for me it's still hard to acknowledge a good past (or a should-be good future) and want to feel good about it, but come back to reality that it is certainly not attainable. Im not sure how to get through that without feeling horrible in one way or another. And that's totally not anything to do with you or anything you suggest or encourage (or even say!) ;D I'm of course still learning and am learning to be OK to being sensitive (or thinking too far ahead and feeling hurt about it). :bighug: Thank you always for the hugs and warm support!
I also had an (unrelated) thought. It seems I'm picking up illustration commissions again (some folks at my job have seen my drawing and have been requesting some work from me (last week I got $20!). It probably won't be much that I accumulate (since I'm not a professional) but I'm planning on saving this money. Maybe put it in a jar. I'm not going to tell my dad about it. I think it may end up being money for moving out. I've still got to do Pansy's commissions which I can concentrate on during winter break.
I'm going to do the best I can to keep away from this money. Lately I've been "filling the void" with art supplies and clothes but I've unsubscribed from stores' emails so I won't be tempted. I just want to focus on art and self-education (as this journal suggests) :thumbup:
Trigger Warning, abuse, invalidating abuse victims (DV)
i'm just going to put this entire thing in beige/whatever color so it can only be seen if highlighted
earlier I heard my dad talking downstairs about some show he was watching with my mom. he talked about this woman on a show was in an abusive relationship (boyfriend or husband) and said that women who go back to that, who go through all that (getting beaten up, bloody nose, hospital visits) that they are %&#*%#$ and that they're idiots or something. I couldn't make out much of what he said, but i got so angry i just I don't understand how
that could even be said at all. to his own wife, yelling about how "I always know what I'm talking about" as if he has ever been in the shoes of an abusive victim. in the same house as his own children, both of whom are susceptible to manipulation and violence and abuse. in the same house as his own daughter, youngest child, hardly grown at all despite being 24. I hate him so much I hate living here I hate feeling so disgusting living here I hate how disgusting I feel to have heard that from my own father's mouth I hate that my OWN mom didn't even CHALLENGE it at all!!!!!! IT'S SO DISGUSTING HOW CAN ANYONE WITH MORALS AT ALL OR ANY SENSE OF HUMANITY SAY THOSE THINGS!!!, how can i still live here why can't i have self compassion enough to be strong and give myelf courage enough to leave so i never have to hear that from the people i live with ever again.
I just can't even think how he can say those things, say things like "more power to that guy" because that woman went back to him instead of "someone who will treat her right" as IF he knows anything!!! he doens't know anything what it's like to feel all of this confusing *, LEAVE!! GO!! DON'T LEAVE!!! NOT NOW!! YOU DON'T NEED TO LEAVE!!! how confusing it is to be in a sort of relationship with the person who breaks you down, and you know it!! but you can't leave because it just doesn't feel right!! that you don't deserve to leave!! there's no REASON to leave!! everything's FiNE now!! god i 'm so angry i want to smash everything in my room I hate hate HATE hate him so much I hate men so much I hate living here so much
HUGS! I have found it useful to beat up pillows and mattresses when I've reached that level of frustration and anger. It also helps to write letters never sent, to say EVERYTHING in your heart that deserves to be heard, but wouldn't be even if you said it to him.
thanks for the tip! :)
I finally got around to writing a letter to Little Tea. I really tried to be as honest and open and validating as I could. Cried a lot. wondering if that has to do with the lack of emotional intimacy since childhood. that kind of response happens a lot when I read validating posts or articles. I don't really want to analyze my physical response right now though.
i really hope Little Tea heard it, and doesn't feel like I was fake or anything. I don't want to force anything to happen soon. I just want her to know I'm on her side and I care about her feelings and am willing to listen and that she is inherently lovable.
earlier today I was in flashback and feeling horribly alone. at first I couldn't tell if it was relating to childhood loneliness, but it was. I kind of napped it off and later on my brother and I talked for almost 2 hours. I just really wanted to be around my friends or wanted to talk to them or something but I just sat there annoyed at my tendency to not contact them first and how everyone seemed too busy to be around or think of me.
after I wrote my letter, I thought a bit about my reactions to validation and general kindness from others. how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I know it has to do with being starved of emotional support growing up. but I also thought a lot about how I often reject it. not by publicly stating to the person "I don't believe you," but immediately internally rejecting it. disbelieving the good things said about me. like something inside takes the words, crumples them up in front of me and throws them out or throws them into an internal fireplace. that "something" inside just won't let me have the kindness and validation. they don't ever speak. they just give me impulses or feelings that feel like the kind words aren't for me.
I still often have a lot of feelings like "ah nobody cares" whenever I feel sad or angry or even happy. like no sort of emotion is even allowed to be verbalized. this is likely my last week of work this year, so hopefully during the break I can catch up on pete walker's book and continue my education.
HUGS - don't forget to take some time to just be. To just breathe. To be the human being you are. Don't worry about figuring out who that is or could be, just be. We can work ourselves too hard and fail to take time to just stare out a window, doodle or sip that tea (coffee in my case) slowly and think of nothing but the texture of the mug, the heat of the tea, the sweetness of the sugar or cream added in. THAT is part of living also. The quiet time when we give ourselves permission to relax and take a quiet moment. And just be.
:yeahthat: I agree! I think before I had called it "coasting," where I just go for a long period of time not really thinking or feeling much, and I always felt it was bad. looking back I think I was in a cool-down period (this happened right when summer was ending, after all that drama and bad stuff happening at home), where I just didn't have the energy to do much else except exist.
lately in the last month I've been able to gradually pick myself up out of it (of course I didn't notice while it was happening, I was so down) and I feel like I'm regaining some energy, but it could be good for me to not rush that regaining, and really take some personal time to let little things that you mentioned soak in and just be. exist in a way that isn't just coasting, but really actively stopping myself to breathe for a bit. I want to try that.
Today has been a relatively nice day, and yesterday too. No sorts of triggers or anything that I can remember, even when Peach and I had spontaneously planned to call each other and watercolor paint and chat to end the night, but ended up cancelling. I was bummed for a while but I didn't feel like I was neglected and left alone. No childhood feelings (at least, if there were, they were gone pretty fast).
I also got a lot of compliments yesterday and today on my outfits and hair and that of course was nice and uplifting. Even a complete stranger who was just going to grab something in the cafeteria said I looked very pretty ;D
On the slightly downside, I've been a bit silent towards my mom. Still a bit annoyed about the domestic violence comments my dad said the other day, but mainly how she doesn't get my frustrations with him.
It's got nothing to do with the whole "You don't love your dad do you?" guilting crap that she's pulled twice in the past month, but how I have been affected by all the things he's done and said to me. It frustrates me that my own mom cannot or won't see that. In the last day I've had the feeling that I should just send her some information on CPTSD and see how she reacts and maybe will put two and two together to understand my current behavior. I can't verbalize it. I don't trust that she won't throw my feelings out the window in favor of politely and subtly asking me to get over it. I can't say all the stuff I've said in these journal entries or even try to paraphrase it.
And I just don't feel like I need to at all! Truth be told. I'm not obligated to explain things. Even if I am her daughter and she's my mother. Familial ties... are and have always been confusing to me. I have no healthy examples of family other than "Will give you their last dime." Family should invalidate me or hurt me or try to excuse themselves and escape blame or place blame on me when they hurt and invalidate me.
I can just send her info and if she is at all moved by any of it the way I was when I realized so much of it was relatable, then good for her. I can already say from past and current experience that I will not feel any validation (maybe logically but not emotionally) from whatever she would say.
Anyway, last night I texted Pansy and MG asking if they could send me some reassurance about moving out. I felt kind of lame (I had written it at around 8:30 last night and didn't send until after midnight before going to sleep. Pansy responded first and it was long (like the birthday message she sent me :) ). And a few hours ago MG sent me his reassurance too.
They both told me the just really wanted me to be healthy and happy and that they're proud of the progress I've made so far to being more self loving. And they also seemed to have really reassure that they weren't going anywhere, and that they're able to take me in whenever I'm willing and able. I really appreciate that and it's still baffling how I could deserve friends like them. They had even just gotten keys made for me. I want to see them again.. I don't know if I'll be able to really finally speak to them about it without getting upset. But I just want to be in that space a lot just to keep developing my imaginings.
I've still been imagining/visualizing myself living there and just doing small things. Yesterday I imagined I was watching movies (Studio Ghibli films) with them and Rose and eating 3 bowls of moose tracks ice cream. A while ago I imagined standing at the desk they have in my room, with my watercolor tools out and doing a painting, and MG coming in to see if he could chill in my room and work on his teaching lesson plans. We weren't saying much just in comfortable silence, something I always like.
I'm sure it won't be this year that I'll be ready to leave. I think... thinking about just trying to exist in a non-coasting/almost dissociative way kind of makes me feel better and OK about the next half of the month. Not optimistic (especially if my mom's gonna try to talk to me about this stuff), just... gonna try and just be.
I think to wind down tonight I'm going to shower a little early and get cozy and do some small paintings and watch a ghibli movie. I feel OK. Content.
It's been a while... not sure what kept me from posting here (though I ended up resorting to yelling on my blog, which I regret but :Idunno:)
Been managing fairly well. Painted a whole lot. Daydreamed a bit. Flashbacked twice (that I could tell).
First off, on Saturday when my brother and I were going to set up the tree, there was an incident.. sort of. I was making toast n juice for my mom (who's recovering from a cold) and I asked my brother to hold the butter for just a second so I could get to the juice (he was standing in front of the fridge, and there was also no space to set the butter nearby). He said no kind of rudely, so I just took it to a counter further away and grabbed the juice saying "If it was you who asked me and I said no, you'd be all 'Just hold the butter you *$#%$'" and he said "Since when have you ever helped me?"
And that's what go to me. I couldn't say "COUNTLESS TIMES, YA JERK!" or even remind him just the day before he called me while i was asleep so I could move some things in his room to our bathroom while he was at school...
It really baffled me and I didn't say anything, just kind of frozen and making the breakfast and left as soon as I could. Later when I went to shower, I slammed a cabinet and he came in later saying if I did, and I said no. Then when we got to setting up the christmas tree, he told me "Listen, don't catch an attitude with me (um?? dad much?!!) And see, you didn't even move mom's bags out the way or get her to do it so we'd have less work to do. So why should I help you?" and again I stood there baffled and frozen. Then he said "Well it's not a big deal" so we got started.
It's been some days but I'm still bothered. We're talking like normal now, but it irks me. I guess being there for him and being the only person to not make him feel worthless doesn't count for much, huh? :pissed:
Anyway, I'm slightly past it and am still trying to do my own thing to keep semi-positive/out of flashback. I've been daydreaming a bit lately and today dreamed about being in The Apartment (as I'll call it now) and asking Pansy and MG about the big desk that's in the room that'll be mine. I had some measuring tape in my hand and I gave it to MG to hold after I measured the desk, and I wanted to see if I could rotate it by the window and still walk into the room with ease.
Also daydreamed about laying on the floor on just a random day that I was visiting. One of them came to check up on me, and as soon as I had the thought, I teared up.
Anyway, I don't have any feelings about the new year. I don't feel hopeful nor pessimistic really, but I'd really like for it to be here already.
the last couple days I feel like I've been mostly unable to stop crying. i feel so miserable so worthless and exhausted. i just don't have any energy to care at all to try to do any self soothing.
I wish I had never told Lily about any of this stuff. three months of silence and finally getting a response today it turned out I had probably made her anxiety worse by overwhelming her with all of this garbage. had I not sent a birthday message on 2 days ago i bet i wouldn't have gotten any response at all going into the new year.
i should have never said anything at all, to anybody. i feel like i wish i hadn't come across this site months ago. i wish i never read anything about cptsd or tried to look further into why i feel so horrible when my brother invalidates me. i wish i never looked into the possibility that i might have a mental illness. i wish i hadn't read that post about signs of emotional abusers. i wish i hadn't seen that post about hypervigilance that started all of this.
every single time I've tried to be open about something that I struggle with or pain someone else caused.. it's always silence. i just regret all of this. i'm too intense a person, too emotional, too angry and too sad and it makes people not want to talk to me or comfort me or anything.
i just don't see any real point when i've always been so worthless when i'm not smiling and even if I am it's too loud and annoying and nobody cares what i have to be happy about. it's always "mhmm" or "hurry up!" or some fake reaction or they shift the conversation to speak about themselves as soon as possible. why would anyone want to talk about something unimportant like things that i like or think about or feel or just myself? why would lily want to talk to me at all, even before any of this, when she had her own problems that made her not want to speak to me? why would i at all be important to anybody? outside of bare minimum parenthood, outside of friendship or anything at all
Tea, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I really, really am. It is hard to open your heart to discover there are only the sound of crickets answering your cries.
I can tell you why *I* care! Because you are a beautiful soul. Because you are an artist. Because you are generous in your nature. Because you are kind. Because you are a sincerely sweet person.
No, don't give me those few examples of when you've been a human being and been selfish, frustrated, mean or sour. They happen for all of us. THOSE times don't define you. How do I know that? From being your online friend for these few short months. I see what you type and what you mean by it. I see what brings you pain and what makes you smile. My reasons for caring are legitimate. You ARE worth listening to, caring about, loving.
:bighug: :bighug: THANK YOU WIFE#2!! everything you say means so much to me!
my breakdown really does feel like it happened so long ago because somehow, the metaphorical clean slate of entering a new year had an effect on me.
on th 31st i did some heavy reflecting. of course my feelings had to do with neglect but also self-neglect too. I realized i havent been taking self care seriously or doing it consistently because i honestly and earnestly did not feel i was worthy enough to enact self care on. and i felt that moving out suddenly wouldnt make any difference because no matter where i go, I'd still have these problems of reacting when people say things to me, or don't speak to me at all. similar thoughts to when i realized a few months ago that compliments and comforting words often don't work or make me uncomfortabe because i was so starved of emotional intimacy for the majority of my life. in my mind, i thought "how could an inherently worthless person deserve comfort? feel comforted?" when there is no inherently worthless person.
i know that.
but then i just got to thinking. it has to be repetitive. i remembered when i first met pansy, MG and rose. we hung out all the time when we were in school together. whether it was for newspaper work or for just hanging out for fun, we were always together, 2 or more of us. it was repetitive. day after day, week after week. and the environment was relaxed and supportive. after dropping out of school in 2014, i became so miserable, and back then i just didn't have a clue why. why was i crying every day? was it really just SAD? why did i have hardly any energy to get up from bed?
but it was that i was always at home. in a house where my feelings were always ignored. my silence and sadness went unnoticed, i was yelled at for not noticing my own brother's sadness and silence when my own felt so overwhelming. there was nothing good about being home all the time when my friends had moved to the city for the second part of school and for work.
and from that i realized. yeah, it's gonna be quite similar when i move out. i might even continue to feel miserable even then. but after it sets in that i'm consistently away from my toxic family, then things can start to feel better. when i'm in a consitently supportive and relaxed environment. at that point, I can establish that i am an important person, even when no one is speaking or interacting with me.
And so, going into the new year, at that point of realization, I started to feel a bit better. i almost didn't, so i wouldn't psych my self up too much and get disappointed with failure, but i wrote a goals list for 2017
- get a concrete routine for self care
- go back to using a planner
- read more books
- work on my art story
- move out
- get some funds for moving out
I had posted to my blog asking if folks could wish me luck or anything. i really wanted to go forward into the new year feeling like i was really cared for and supported and not feel alone, and a few online friends sent some wishes and an "i love you!" and it was just.. a new and incredible feeling. feeling not alone. feeling supported and acknowledged and not ignored. it really felt so good. after my parents kept me and my brother trapped watching My Cousin Vinny until 2:30am (it was fine actually) i stayed up until 4am on new years morning writing 2016 reflections in a journal which i'll post later. before i went to bed, i read some text messages my friends sent on my birthday and after that were really uplifiting, as well as messages my online friends had sent and it felt like the reality of my support system was finally in my awareness. it was real. IT IS REAL. the support and love for people who know me personally and those who don't, they're all real and they care about my feelings and they're rooting and cheering me on. i had cried so much in that moment. and i'm crying now as i type, amazed still at the support and care i've gotten.
i went into the new year feeling like a person who's life was valid and worthy of living. it was 4am and i felt that. for once. truthfully and strongly in my heart that i cried and i let myself cry and feel the love and kindness they have for me. it was like being hugged. a huge hug from everyone and i could feel all the distinct arms around me, the strong hugs and the shy hugs alike. how incredible.
this entry is going on very long but there's even more.
I'm determined to move out this year. my dream move date is in March but realistically it may be sometime early summer like july. on friday, i visited pansy and mg's place and we and mg's friend had a great time together. and before we went to lunch, pansy and i were talking in the room that would be mine about potential plans to getting me to move there. attending school may be the option for moving in with them. i dont even have any furniture to move actually since i dont own much anyway. but we talked for a long time and came up with some solutions. pansy also said they were looking for a bed that would fit the room. i also brought over my most expensive watercolor paint palette ($60) and left it in the bottom drawer to the desk thats in my new room. just to give me some extra encouragement for moving out. Pansy also told me shes great at apartment and job hunting and said she will look out for somethings that i may be OK with (like working in one of the city museums possibly) and that's also encouraging, especially since i still don't have a degree, but by the time i'm talking with my parents about finishing school, i'm also going to do some job searching too.
i'm nervous still of course about just bringing up moving out to my parents (though i did have a talk with my mom that night while my dad was sleeping on the couch, and often said "where we live" when i meant "where MG and pansy live" as if i've already moved in, and my mom caught that... i did talk to her about needing to grow up and stop feeling so tied to them like a child who cannot do anything. talked to her about school, i'm not sure when that'll officially come up, but she thought i would want to move into an apartment by myself (yikes!) at the school i used to go to when i first started college. but i clarified i wanted to go to the city, and gave her a "what if my friends let me stay rent free?" and still wasn't reallly sold but she said she'd think about it.
i also finally cut my hair, my dad definitely doesn't like it, and him questioning why i wanted to get it (in a "you're not good enough to make decisions for yourself and i see this decision you made is bad" kind of tone), i got a little bit into an EF but quickly out of it doing some breathing and some telling myself i am beautiful and his thoughts about me don't matter, which worked out. other than that it's been a great start to the new year! :cheer: :cheer:
Glad to say that I'm much closer to moving out. The step before actually moving out still stresses me out and causes me to go into a fit of hous-long drasticizations and feeling very overwhelmed with all of my feelings and the imagined conversations. However I feel more positive about it. I'm excited at the idea of moving out to be with my chosen family and to finish school.
Months ago when I thought about my life outside of this house, it was so cloudy and hazy, always nighttime and I always felt these somber/melancholic undertones of the scenarios I was imagining. I never felt much happiness about moving out, as I always felt alone. But now I don't, I imagine myself with my friends, in my new room lit with peaceful natural light, a peaceful breeze coming through the window. And I'm taking that as a success.
I also think I may be trying to work with my inner child. I decided I'm going to try to really approach it as if Little Tea is my own child. I've written some things we can do and watch, like a parent getting some ideas on how to be closer to their children. Yesterday when I was with Pansy and MG they were reminiscing about their childhood and how their father would actively take interest in the things they liked. Of course mine was the opposite, and would get angry if my brother and/or I didn't really seem interested in what he liked. Not that he ever spent much time with us, that I remember. I got a bit teary eyed when they were talking and felt like a sore loser.
But I know that it's valid to be sad about all the things I missed out on. But I also know that I can do that for myself as an adult, for Little Tea. She deserves that. Good attention and a playful guardian who will do her best to take care of her. Who will not leave her alone when things are seeming happy and only come around when unbearable feelings of the past arise. A good parent wouldn't and shouldn't do that. We can do fun things as well as have pain comforted. I don't and won't judge Little Tea for any pain she feels.
Quote"I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more."
― Michelle K.
Since I'm using my planner more often and consistently now, I think I will put together little schedules that incorporate Little Tea. I think I respond well to crafty and artsy things, of course, so there will be some sessions where I have a "warm up" before a big drawing or painting and we can just play. I'm not too certain how to reach her to ask if she'd like to come out to play, so hopefully these sessions will seem interesting to her. I'm sure I'll know when she wants to come and check things out.
Also working on eating habits. I realized I've unconsciously skipped lunch almost every day for the past couple months on days I haven't gone to work (which is the last month since I worked and numerous weeks before). I'm going to stop that and feed myself (ourself?) better and more consistently. There should be noticeable change.
Some nostalgic movies and cartoons and shows from childhood that we can watch. Two days ago I watched Wreck It Ralph, though I was already an adult when it was released, but I still felt like a little kid, seeing all the video game characters and references I knew from childhood. Any thing to make Little Tea feel comfortable and not alone. I'm here for you Little Tea, I want you to know that.
When she is sad or if I'm in an emotional flashback, I will work so hard to think of what my friends would say to me, and tell Little Tea or myself those things. I know it'll work out.
Wreck it Ralph - I LOVE that movie. My 8-year-old is tired of watching. My husband teases me. So what? I love that movie! I don't cry at the end anymore, but I keep tissue handy, just in case!
What other movies really touch you? Think of children's fare. Like for me, the scene in Horton Hears a Who - when the mayor is greeting all of his daughters on the conveyor belt - yeah, I get that scene. Which ones speak to and validate you? Watch them! That can help your inner child know you are reaching out to her.
Yes that's one of my special movies! There's a theme of movies I cherish that involve characters cheering on the protagonists. Especially characters who were once antagonists. The Studio Ghibli movies have that tendency, especially Spirited Away, which I also need to add to the list. Whisper of The Heart is my all time favorite movie, a relationship where two characters do their best to uplift each other in their goals. I love that and that's always touched my heart since I was a kid. I think that really has spoken to Little Tea in the past, remembering childhood was not a time of much inspiration and encouragement from family. Those movies all have children as the protagonists (save a few) and are geared towards children as well which I have always appreciated.
I also feel the same way about music too, those songs that seem so happy-go-lucky and are encouraging you to be the best version of yourself. The Rocket Summer comes to mind first, his music is so intensely uplifting that so many of them leave me in tears. Later tonight I'm going to look through my old journals to see what other music I was really into. I loved writing songs and artists lists every now and then, and maybe I'll come across some movies I've forgotten about.
Oh I haven't watched Horton Hears a Who in so long, I think I'll watch that too! Thanks as always Wife#2! I hope you're doing well these days :hug:
I'm back at work as usual but this time, this year, with a new perspective. I wanted to take some time to talk a little bit about an issue I was having around the time I joined. The whole identity thing. Truly, who am I without this trauma?
The answer is I just don't know. And I'll never know. Over time I've realized there's been neglect as early as 3 from what I can remember. I have little to no memories of my parents being interested in me at that very young age, I don't know if we ever played together after I started walking and talking coherently.
I know as my memories clear up, I can see younger self (4... 5.. 8... 9) I can see her always sitting alone in her room playing with her toys or drawing. I remember that one time I wanted to draw at the dining table one afternoon. I drew with my brother, who would always comment, "stop shaking the table when you erase!" How can a 9 year old help that? I still wonder. After a while I ended up staying in my room alone to do my activities.
Even a sad time when my mom was arguing with either my dad or brother, I sat in my room by myself singing sadly that "We Are Family" song, but saying "We aren't" instead. No one came to comfort me. Not even as I got older and more aware of when my parents argued. Even the time when I was much older in high school, when I yelled at them to stop yelling. They were angry with me and couldn't tell how afraid I was.
Even all the other things that count as abuse and neglect.
I suppose without all of that, I wouldn't be who I am today. Sure I wouldn't be dealing mental illness and struggling to keep myself up. But really who would I be? I don't know, and I think I'm starting to feel OK about it. Many of the things I do and say for and to others is because of trauma.
Over New Years and even prior, friends (online, here, and IRL) have said good things about me. People that I like and care about and trust, they've said those good things because they believe it and want me to believe it too. That I'm nice and intelligent and sweet... cool even (of course MG thinks that!). I've been rereading messages often these days and it's making me feel more and more comfortable. When I do actions that once "seemed nice but I only did them because my trauma makes me feel compelled," I tell myself that I'm such a nice person.
I'm thoughtful... many things I do because it just seems right, and I'd hate for the other person to feel sad or upset. Just yesterday I lent my mom my card when she went to go have lunch with her old boss. I know she doesn't have money to spare... and really I just did feel compelled to give her my card just in case. She ended up not needing it. But I don't regret giving it to her.
As horrid as he occasionally treats me, I still buy groceries and snacks for my brother and myself. Without the trauma, if he still treated me this way, I'm sure I'd be selfish. Which isn't necessarily bad. But my caring for him and caring that he has something ready-to-eat during the week isn't necessarily bad either. There are sometimes I buy more for myself than him, and that isn't bad either I don't think. I do it because I know it's frustrating not having much to eat when he's at home off from school.
I do the same for bills with my parents. I could lie and say I haven't got much, and put the rest away for moving out. Sure (what an idea though!), but I don't. Because I'm nice. The sort of codependent relationships I'm in with my family as a whole and individually among the three of them has made one of my characteristics "niceness." It's often excessive niceness, as I'm walked on and spoken to any which way.
I'm still learning to make habit of not taking rudeness kindly. Perhaps their reactions to it will lead me to finally externally burst in front of them and I can make my move to get out of the house at last! In due time, I'm sure. I'm not rushing.
But anyway, this identity crisis I'd been having. It's valid. Who wouldn't be upset knowing that their personality stems from abuse?
My personality stems from abuse. That's my reality. And I feel, it's going to make me stronger in the end. Or now or tomorrow.
My personality stems from abuse. I'm nice because I was conditioned to tolerate everything without fighting back.
My personality stems from abuse. I excessively fawn over others because I was conditioned to be the secondary servant of emotional labor for my brother and entertainment and pleasing/pride for my parents.
My personality stems from abuse. I go along with things because I know what it feels like to be left out. To never get my way and I don't want that for anyone.
My personality stems from abuse. Often I soak up the emotions from others around me because I've been conditioned to feel disrespectful or like a bad person if I am content or enjoying myself while someone else is sad and suffering.
However! It's also ok to become more assertive. Being assertive doesn't make me mean.
Not always doing what others want or expect of me (in the right contexts) will not make me a bad or mean person. It's OK to do things for myself on my own terms. It's ok to refuse to do things.
Wanting to have my way doesn't make me a bad person. It also doesn't mean I want someone to feel left out or ignored.
There is nothing wrong with being happy while someone else is sad. The reason is that I am not happy BECAUSE someone else is sad, but rather I amhappy because things in my life are making you feel that way. This goes the same for someone else being happy while I am sad. Even if friends are out enjoying themselves while I am sad, it doesn't mean they are ignoring you or not caring about your sadness. Just as often I cannot handle being the emotional labor sponge for everyone, the same is true for everyone else.
I am not obligated to down my mood to match that of a sad friend's. I'm allowed to acknowledge their pain and be there for them, while also being content.
Truly, 2017 is becoming that year of accepting myself. It's going to be a pattern. I'm going to care more about myself. My friends will support me and they will still cherish me, I know that. Everything they've said to me tells me they will be there for me. They care about me and love me, and I care and love them back too.
If my family is so determined to keep me in this shell of self hate and unacknowledged trauma and sadness, then I will be on my way. Day by day, bit by bit, I want to make a routine of not putting up with even the smallest of hurt. That "small" hurt has often triggered flashbacks for me in the past. No more of that. I'm an adult, not a child. Not even an adult child. I want to get on with my life.
:cheer: :yourock: :yahoo: What an empowering post! You can add to your list of traits - Wise. Perhaps wise because of trauma, still wise. :hug:
Yes definitely Wife#2!! I have gradually been seeing an increase in being accepting and OK with it, too!
things just suddenly turned sour. remembering loss of self, of identity. i remember how when i was a kid, middle and high school ages, I used to look up and take online quizzes about "who I am" based on the things i did, colors i liked, foods i ate. i hate and am sad that my parents destroyed all chances for me to develop at so young an age.
https://askthepsych.com/atp/2010/07/05/i-dont-know-who-i-am-the-stages-of-personal-identity-development/ (https://askthepsych.com/atp/2010/07/05/i-dont-know-who-i-am-the-stages-of-personal-identity-development/)
QuoteGenerally speaking, the ease with which a person masters the task of defining personal identity has a lot to do with how successfully they mastered the developmental tasks that came before. The stages Erikson outlines that precede identity solidification include:
- Basic Trust vs. Mistrust (established during the very first years of life) :thumbdown:
- Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (the task of toddlers to develop a sense of self-reliance and will) :thumbdown:
- Initiative vs. Guilt (the pre-school age task of developing courage, independence, and a sense of purpose) :thumbdown:
- Industry vs. Inferiority (the childhood task of developing confidence, work ethic, and responsibility) :thumbdown:
none of them met.
trust destroyed likely before i could talk. or probably by age 3.
nothing from childhood really tells me my parents ever had the mindset to trust me to do much of anything. have always been doubted. most of my actions today are either held back by uncertainty or done on impulse.
scared of everything (tormented by the lego palm tree top that reminded me of a spider. sometime around age 3 or 4. family continued to scare me with it up until we couldn't find it anymore, maybe around middle school. no one reassured me it wasn't a spider, received nothing but joking ashamed looks that said "you really think this is a spider?" all of this very much explains my current longlasting fear of bugs)
parents did not encourage confidence or outspokenness (both things would be seen as disrespect). i don't manage responsibilities all that well unless it comes from a place of shame ("they will hate me if I don't get these things done)
i already know my personality comes from trauma. but it doesn't change the fact that i still do not have a concrete identity.
in a good way I suppose, it's started making me question my gender identity and expression. I realized I'm pretty detached and typically on autopilot when it comes to it. have been getting a sort of indirect support from an online friend that's encouraged me to work things out and talk myself through things using a coping character and so far I think that may be a good thing to hold on to.
still just.. unsure of myself. having an identity crisis when the steps to developing identity have been destroyed and burned already. :fallingbricks: i don't feel anyone really knows what to do about it. or understands how that can happen. i just pick up on mannerisms and tastes from other people and then rotate them out when it doesn't feel like it suits me. i wear what i wear because the internet thinks it's a #Look. i don't know what's me. I'm planning for wednesday after my shift to look through my closet and sort through what gives me a sparkle in my eye when I see and wear it. i'm afraid none of it will really do that because of this whole lack of identity. i don't know who I am. i know what I want to do. I know HOW I am (nice.. sympathetic..). who is Tea? an artist? lover of sweets and fashion? well, we know the things Tea likes, but who is she? I donno.
feeling super jumbled, living in my head. just need to get some things out.
what im feeling.
tired. annoyed. frustrated. sad. confused.
thoughts
gender stuff.. i want to be a more concrete person
i hate having no sense of self. no identity. i hate that much of what i am is a mix of things i picked up from people and things that were caused by people.
i feel detached too. not sure in what way. earlier i had the image of my physical self carrying a string attached to a balloon that vaguely looked like me. but in terms of a coping character. so it wasn't really me.
interesting way to visualize feeling detached. my autopiloting seems to have really started up today or sometime late yesterday.
no sense of self... can't remember my goals either. i always forget things. the things i want or need to do to progress in recovery or towards moving out. i haven't even thought about that in some time.
i can't seem to focus on more than one thing or concept at a time or timespan.
i'm mad to have parents that just arent even aware of all the damage they've done.. that i have to now fix.
i dont know what i like. i dont know if the things that i like are because i genuinely like them or because someone else liked them too. did strawberries always used to be my favorite fruit? my first memories of "liking" them so much were with my old friend Marantha. we were in high school, walking away from one of the school buildings back to the other. we were eating strawberries and i think she had made a comment about them, and i think from then on strawberries became my favorite fruit.
i never really cared about gardening until the blog site i'm on got into a trend of flowers and plants-loving. suddenly i made art of a girl who had a flowershop. suddenly i'm with my mom gardening and asking her about flowers. then bloomed my story about a girl who worked at a flowershop with her mom and the life she had with her family andfriends.
suddenly i liked floral prints. then fruit prints. i wanted my room to be themed after a flowershop. i didnt get far but then i wanted to theme it after a rustic tea shop. still never got there.
who am i supposed to be. i dont feel any better now that i've written this. i feel sad i can't even answer that question. i'm a fake person. i never ever feel real. i dont know what about me is really real. i dont know if this self doubt is even real.
im looking at everything i have in my room. none of its real. or genuine. none of it is really me. not the boots that make me feel edgy or cool. not the houseplants. not all the jewelry. not the boxes of tea. not really the art or the art supplies out for show. not my phone or the floral print clear cases. not the mason jar i drink water out of. not the books i dont even read.
none of that stuff is genuine. but if i were to throw it all away who would i be? how would i rebuild? could i even rebuild? with what skills?
when it comes down to it, i'm fake. outward and inward. there is nothing individual. sure nothing out there in the world is truly original, but even most people are individual. they know who they are. what they like and why. nobody ever even thought to let me grow into an individual with valid and unshamed likes and dislikes and feelings and dreams.
i write in such a performative way. hoping to be interesting enough or entertaining enough or real enough for people to notice and feel something. i don't know when it's ever been about me. idont know if my doubts are just clouds. but
you know your feelings about trauma are real. you are often sad and alone and feel hopeless. that's true. sometimes you're able to feel angry, as you should, because two people who were supposed to love you and protect you unconditionally with all their heart betrayed you at so young an age that recovery is almost unthinkable. those feelings you have are true.
i almost wish to be so alone so no one ever has to look at me and so i don't have to beg for it. that even if no one noticed i wouldn't feel so miserable. do i feel so miserable because no one noticed my reality as a child? if i'm crying as soon as i thought i think my feeling is true.
why do i want to get better? do i deserve it? Tea, do you deserve to get better? become happier? feel calmer? i know the logical answer. do i feel it emotionally too?
wanting to care about myself makes me feel so ashamed and out of place. my attempts seem only for everyone else to applaud but not for me to reap the benefits.
i'm so afraid of people seeing me, physically and emotionally, and knowing whatever my reality is. knowing i am uncomfortable with myself in all ways. i just don't want anyone to look at me.
i miss so much being hugged deeply. i can't even recall a time i was hugged and felt something.
last night i imagined myself in the new apartment, at my bedroom door with MG next to me. i was tearing up, shedding some tears quietly and he pulled me into a deep hug that made my self cry in and out of the imagining. he's not the type to really talk about emotions, not with me at least. we're all goofy and for the most part expressing feelings has been hard for us.
i just wish i could be hugged and could feel it. stop being alone. i want someone to see me and my emotions and all my ashamed tears and my hidden face and just embrace me and soothe my shaking and just be there for me and i want to actually believe that, realize that with all my heart.
:hug:
It's all I can offer, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart!
Tea, we love the 'Tea' we know. Yes, we only know what you present here, but that's enough. She's enough to deserve love. It doesn't matter what you decide to do. Really, it doesn't. THAT is what unconditional love means! You can't earn it, you simply are and we simply recognize that you are loveable. So, we love you.
You don't have to perform for us. I understand that drive - I suffer from it, too. But, whether you are happy, angry, bored, boring, tired, joyous, creative or silly - I know at least I will read. I will read to find out how my friend Tea is doing - does she need a hug? Does she need silent support? Does she need someone to celebrate with her? I want to be that friend to share you life's story with. At least for this season in both of our lives. If longer, hurray! If I can be there for you until the cows come home, sleep off the meal and get milked, then hurray! Count on me being here!
Your real self is emerging and not sure how to do that. I'm not qualified to help, really. Besides, I think you're farther down that path than I am in some ways. The chrysalis from which you are emerging is safe, but confining. It may take a while for the wings to dry enough to support you in flight - but they will. They will. :hug:
thank you both Three Roses and Wife#2!! i read these earlier this morning and was so unsure how to respond, but then a little later my friend Peach texted me this quote from a show we both like (to paraphrase, we are both princesses and must be our own prince! we also got to talking about inner children and reparenting) and needless to say, all the support has definitely lifted my spirits!
i felt really lost and confused and full of so much self doubt, a lot that i've got to clear up, but it's always a challenge emotionally knowing yall are all here, and i can't say enough how much i appreciate that. i appreciate that you check on me and care so much about how i'm doing. that i really matter.
i know i've got so much to do. i wrote myself a letter earlier some sort of aggressive health care. i told myself i wasn't yelling, but speaking in a place of concern, reminded myself that i have got friends here, other places online, and in real life of course that i can't forget about in tough times. i'll reread those angry-supporting myself texts i sent to peach to remember that passion. how mad i was for believing the lies my parents and brother had indirectly told me growing up. it's not my fault i believed and still believe them, but i won't rest until i properly debunk every lie. i'll be that character in the cartoons who talks to the protagonist almost aggressively persuading them to know and believe their worth, and that they'd stand up for them. those characters often move me to tears, especially the younger the protagonist is.
and i realized i've been thinking so hard and stringing together every bad time i've had, but not including the times i've bounced back. i know it's going to happen, but through habit i will be able to refer to the good times and the things i and my friends have told myself.
even.. if it really boils down to working harder to impress, surely something good has to come out of that? as long as i know someone cares about the progress i'm making, through habit maybe hopefully it will translate from me caring about another's perspective and feelings to caring about my own. i got so bogged down and i know i just wasn't thinking and seeing things clearly. this is a record of my progression, the baby steps. getting out of the entertainer habits is going to be hard i know it.
i'm sure my genuine self will come out, i'm sure i'll get out of the habit i picking up small tastes and personalities to fill my dish of my Self so to speak i guess. i know i have a lot of genuine feelings. i know what makes me genuinely laugh and what makes me cry, at the very least, those things i can't control so much. what makes me happy, truly happy, i'll figure that out i'm sure too.
:hug: And I love the quote you're using on your posts! If you hear something often enough it can become your reality -so let me say again that I love you, Tea. The person I've got to know here is worth loving, such a beautiful soul. I do love you as a friend and value you as a person. :hug:
i cant tell if much has changed. it's been almost two months since my last entry. i think possibly i've felt a little better for a longer period of time while i was away. i fell into the same trap i fell into sometime in november. i have a tendency to want to isolate when my fawn skills of pleasing and entertaining fail me.
i also can't tell if the hiatus was good for me or not. i think for the most part i was starting to calm down and attempt to just exist, but the identity issues got the better of me frequently, and still is. i can't tell if all through this time i was suppressing, considering i haven't written my feelings in a couple weeks.
i tried to see through my EFs logically, this is what they do... I've done nothing wrong... i don't deserve this... they are bad or wrong, and not me, and sometimes it worked. There's been a couple down times (both times, my brother confronted me for not talking to him [as my usual cheery self], and one of the times i got emotional in front of him again and for the2nd time i explained some things to him, hoping he wouldn't speak to me in certain ways or expect certain things from me all the time. at the time i felt like it ended ok, that we had finally a mutual understanding. that he finally had some insight that my growing up wasn't as shiny as he thought it was, compared to his own. there's been some frustration here and there, and i just for some reason cant tell if things have changed. sometimes he speaks meanly to me, out of some random frustration and i never get an answer why.
but... the identity issues are just resurfacing. almost constantly. like i keep needing to pick up something from someone else so i can feel that happiness, but not seeing the results pains me. and not being able to always detect that, or detect when my brain is putting 2 and 2 together is frustrating. i think that's where i start to isolate too. like i don't want any sort of influence because i'll feel myself trying to change but it wont work for me. and that's disappointing.
on the subject of moving out, i'm in the dream move out month. it's not looking like i'm budging. still waiting for one more reason, even though my dad's recent comments on DV added to the pile. i thought back numerous times to childhood, and felt incredibly sad and cried over some things and still don't budge. i wont beat myself up, but i still would be happier if i could get the ball rolling. just today i read one of my first journals i wrote when i started middle school, and realized the way i was writing was as though i was speaking to a friend that cared about the things i talked about. and just a couple years later when my parents confronted me after invading my journals and privacy, i felt like that friend was taken away. i kept writing, just in secretive ways and yet still "got caught" and eventually stopped sometime in high school and on and off picked it back up up to recently.
really i just feel so unstable. about a lot of things. as important as it is i wish i could just stop crying. today i got so sad while working on an art journal i started.i couldn't figure out why. i just feel so tired. genuinely tired of this fight. lately it's just started to feel like it's too much for me to deal with. i'm starting to feel and remember the lie that i'm just not worth fighting for. how tired i am of being self reliant. how everyone seems to be depending on me for something. how i am too much to depend on someone else.
i know i'm a strong person. everyone has tested my patience and my kindness and my trauma-caused forgiving nature. i know i've been pushed and pushed for two and a half decades now. but for some reason i just can't show how tired of it i am. any hint and i'm suddenly guilt tripped you don't love you're dad do you?... are you mad because i didn't wash the forks?...are you mad at me?... why are you so quiet?
a saying my brother and mom have consistently told me over the last few years was about people changing. dad's not going to change... nothing's going to change. you can't change your dad.... has anything changed since then? no. and every now and then this spark comes up. and i think about how i could change. i could be different. i could be the one that acts on self betterment. i could stand up for myself when no one will. none of them have, and none of them will. so i could be me, who is the one who finally changes. but i always forget. something happens and it's out of my mind. my goals for 2017. i haven't really even thought about. and it feels like i'm telling myself that not even i think i'm worth changing for. i know that's wrong. but what does it say when i can't even keep my own goals and passions in mind?
that last entry came from a sad place. I will not beat myself up.
I quickly slip into that forgetful phase that fawn-freeze types go into when it comes to assessing self-worth. I'm not gonna beat myself up about that. It's not my fault I was trained to forgo self-preservation throughout my life.
I quickly get tired of routines and efforts towards developing a better Self. I'm not gonna beat myself up about that. A structured structureless life is what i experienced, expecting trouble, waiting for inconsistent love.
It's hard to get motivated for myself. Not all motivation lasts, but often it's still in your mind. Not something so easily forgotten. Trauma made me forget myself and my needs and that's understandable, and understandably frustrating. And even more understandably hindering. It's horrible, but it makes sense why things have gone and are going the way they are.
I came across this website for an interactive self care guide (http://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-*-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play) (cursing warning, in just the title so far that). I haven't gotten very far, but yesterday I felt like I need to give self care another go. A stronger go. A more consistent go, with extra elbow grease this time. I don't know how to keep consistent, but I want to try harder. It's suggested to play every morning when I wake up, so I'll do that. Or every couple of hours even. To accommodate for being rather unstable myself.
If I can get into the routine of just checking up on myself, and having this site guide me, it will be good for me. I want the habit to pick up, and I want to gradually get rid of the habit of forgetting that I'm a person who exists and needs care. I won't guarantee anything because that stresses me out, already setting rules and restrictions and expectations for myself. I'll just do the best that I can do.
Hello! I'm new to the forum, this is actually my first post. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd recently and in my search for resources I happened upon your journal, I just want to say that i'm rooting for you, you're making progress :thumbup:
Also you are not alone when it comes to the dead motivation cycle. Step 1 find something interesting, step 2 do all sorts of research and planning, step 3 abandon all hope of success or lose interest. I respect someone who gets back on the horse, it isn't easy.
Tea - regardless of what you decide, how you decide or when you decide, I'm here. Standing beside you, saying that your decisions ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
Yes, yes, failing to decide is also deciding. Maybe that's all you need to try to manage for a while. You've done a lot of growth in a short time. It's not surprising that you withdrew inside yourself for a while - to take stock maybe? Anyway, it was the right decision for you at that time. It's still your life and you get to be the one person who says when anything *should* happen!
:hug: to you, my friend. For the memories, for the pain involved in 'waking up'. :hug: because you just deserve to be hugged and treated well.
strangenights - a big welcome to the forum :wave: pretty amazing (in a way) that your search lead you to my journal. wishing you big luck on your own journey through understanding and managing complex trauma! thanks a bunch for rooting for me! i'll get through it.
wife#2 - i also appreciate your standing by me. that's hasn't changed at all :hug: I don't want to beat myself up, so.. I think i'll say overall during my break I've done an alright job at not getting angry with myself about not moving yet. When I feel frustrated about it I try to tell myself both sides ...You're doing the best you can right now. Progress can't be rushed. but also the more "logical" it takes a lot of strength to tolerate what you don't deserve. it'll take even more strength to reach out and grab what you rightfully need. and I know 100% you have that strength in you.
You are a great friend Wife#2 and I appreciate your compassionate presence :hug:
I feel like I'm in my "reporting back" mood but that's OK i'll roll with it since I am a bit proud of myself (still 25% proud of myself, 75% reporting back).
Again for some reason last night I felt kind of low suddenly. There was no trigger that I could pinpoint, I think it was just a sudden sadness about rejection/feeling ignored (I blew off my friends twice this weekend, and not that I deserve any rejection, but working on reaching out is still a struggle, so things were quiet). But I ended up following the steps on the self care guide from before.
I can proudly say it was a success. I used it about 5 to 10 times in the last week, and yesterday was the day I genuinely felt sad. I pat and rubbed my left hand gently for a while. I Tried to think of Little Tea and her two braids hair. I thought about my right hand (my dominant hand) being the "adult who's developing the skills" and my left hand as Little Tea's hand. I hugged myself, and pat myself on the chest for a long while until I felt better. I said "I love you, I'm sorry" and cried a bit (self-compassion reaction). In the end I was ok. I told myself I would be ok. I looked through a blog's self care tag and read quietly aloud some of the quotes and messages. I would get through it, it passes. And it did.
I'm proud of myself. Tea I'm proud of you. You're a strong person, capable. I'm proud of myself. For the things I can do. The things I attempt. Last week I read a whole long article from Oregon State about identifying plants based on their leaves. I spent three whole days putting together a 60 page reference book with the article text and photos. I'm not a botanist. I'm not studying to become one. But I love plants and decided to make a reference book for myself. And I did. It's beautiful and it took a lot of effort and fixing and refixing and I did it. Motivation comes and goes, and even though I haven't looked at it since Friday I learned a lot, so much added to my vocabulary. I'm proud of myself for the things I can do. It doesn't even seem silly. I just love plants and flowers.
And open windows. I'm going somewhere with this. Friday was probably my favorite day last week. I did the self care guide tips all on my own without referencing the site. That's good, it's getting built into my mind. I opened my windows and cleaned my room for the suggested 5 minutes, finished my laundry (didn't fold it of course), and worked on the book! I felt so at ease. It was a good spring day, 70 degrees and windy. It was like I was a whole person. I talked aloud about how I came to liking open windows, and it still doesn't make sense. I just felt like it was one of the few things genuine to me! And I felt great and have been on a streak of taking care of myself. Following through on the quote in my signature below.
If I were my own parent, what would I do? I'd know how my child's body and emotions my react under certain circumstances, and work hard to prevent or alleviate any pain. So far the cleaning for 5 minutes, drinking water, and as I did yesterday, working on a solution to my problem/trigger for 15 minutes are very helpful. And it keeps me moving. Just getting up and moving around helps me. I can stay glued to my computer drawing or playing a game for 7+ hours without moving and it's draining, and I realize it when it's too late. I'm working on that, and the self care guide is helping. One week will be two weeks, 4 months, one year. :applause: :thumbup:
speaking as an adult, mostly speaking on behalf of my child self, it still bothers me how much my FOO just unknowingly dumps frustrations onto me. things I can't fix. I've never been able to fix these things. especially when I was just in the middle of elementary school.
sometimes I want to ask, "why are you telling me this? why are you venting at me? did you ever think to ask me before venting at me?"
I already know the answer. after all my baby steps learning about cptsd, I know exactly why they flock to me. right now as I'm typing on my phone my M's venting about work and it just came out of nowhere but I'm not stopping her. its not that I don't vent to her because I do. but... its one of the expectations kids have of their parents.
last night I went into a 4 hour long EF just venting to the imaginary brother about how I feel inside. there was a silence in the car ride home and I thought I may have been outted (turned out my F found a scratch on the car) and it was triggering back to a horrible time.
but it tells me a lot about the dynamics. how my brother talks to me instead of M or F. how my mom talks to me (like this) instead of F. I hear how my M and F sound when Ms venting or just simply talking. and whatever my F can't provide I have to. its not fair.
not that I'm a child right now but I'm their child. not their parent. not their friend.
and when I try to vent to brother or on the rare rare rare occasion my F, they are uninterested. or I get lectured about how it was my fault. or how I should have done xy or z. of course no one else realized bc that's the norm. :pissed:
I'm so tired of being the sole emotional support. this isn't even about moving how and how that could solve that particular problem. I'm so exhausted. I'm always around when someone needs me but who is around when I need someone? and thentimes I'm not around I get called out for no reason (always by brother) or get maximum vented at because no one seems to have the skills to process info/frustration without immediately having to dump it onto me. none of us have any of the healthy skills to be an adult with good emotional health. and the proof is shown in my brother and myself. that's a fact. :fallingbricks:
Tea, those are absolutely wonderful realizations! Now that you can observe it in action, is there any chance you can begin to distance yourself a bit? Gently, since you're still there, but firmly. Yes, everyone 'vents' to loved ones. In a healthy relationship, you're right - that would go both ways. This may be a part of why you struggle with allowing 'venting' in friendships. Because your family has taught you to expect a full dump and for you to *fix* it, but friends are just venting as part of sharing. I don't know.
I just know that I'm so very proud of you that you see things as they really are now. I do wish I could offer solutions. But, what I can offer is my friendship, ongoing. Also, my respect and admiration - YES, you deserve those. I don't offer them lightly! You earned them!
I think the obligation still lingers, wife#2. everyone's a pretty talkative bunch (myself included though often I run out of breath (out of nervousness possible? usually when my bro and i are talking about feminist stuff and i'm speaking more)) so there's often tangents and they often subtly turn into venting. i'd feel rude if i tried to change the subject smoothly somehow. i could give it a go (it just seems so out of my nature, and almost like i'm repeating their behavior of saying things like "well that's how things are, [let's move to another topic]" or something like that. and i often feel miserable even when friends do something similar, where I feel i have more to say but the conversation is already changing (part of me feeling "left behind").
i can still give it a go though. I actually just read this thread over on the sister forum (http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=38460.0) that's also given me some hope as to what I could do :) definitely can't use it on F though :no: of course. but M and bro are easier (tho it breaks my child-parent heart to think of setting boundaries when someone else is hurting). but alas i'll have to venture through like a re-parented adult and gradually set up boundaries.
as a bonus though, my bro's the chattiest of us all despite his speech impediment and is always telling me to cut the convo short when he's gone too long. he can really spend 4 hours starting off talking about a show we used to watch and how it sucks to be immortal, and ending on us watching a video about that primitive living youtube channel. true story. happened on Monday before i left for work :doh: I feel a lot better now! :hug: thank you as always!
i think day by day it's dawning on me that the love my F has for me, as his daughter, just doesn't exist. i felt bad the first time i said it out loud in front of my friends that i genuinely felt like my parents didnt love me. but i don't think i was misguided or being dramatic at all.
it feels like my F is just prone to saying things to make his prey feel bad about themselves, without any kind of reinforcement. a bare minimum parent will cover the basics for their child (food clothing shelter, education, any financial support) and stop it at that. that's who he is.
in my eyes, a parent who goes beyond that will never ever make their child's feelings seem unimportant and invalid. they won't make them feel like they are worthless.
they wont make them feel ugly as my own F made me feel today. they won't say things like I'm not gonna feel bad if you wanna only stay in contact with M. It's not gonna bother me, like my own f said to me in the car today. they wont make you feel like there's nothing at all likeable about you other than you providing financial support when they need it ever month.
i donno if i'm over it yet, though i did some subtle self soothing while he ranted at me during the car ride, and cried just a few minutes ago after my bro and i put the groceries away. i think i'm starting to see little tea more often than before. still not frequent, but i could see her while i was self soothing a few minutes ago and hugged myself. i've calmed down now, and i think i'm going to just stay in my room for the night and watch a video playlist i made for days like today. i'll be ok.
:hug: :hug:
Tea - you're such a beautiful soul! No, this isn't easy. There isn't a finish line where you cross it and say to yourself, 'There, I'm done hurting over that.' It can lessen over time, it WILL lessen over time. As you begin to know your own worth and not count on his words for ANY part of your identity.
There is a phrase, it's a cliché, I know, but I hope it'll help you when he's being so blatantly cruel. 'Consider the source.' You need not believe what he says, father or not. And, when he's being horrible, like he was last week, just consider the source and discard his relevance in your life. This will take time and practice, and the words will not lose all their sting. I just hope it'll help you distance yourself from his words.
And, I meant what I typed earlier. You are a beautiful soul, whose input and contributions on these boards have made my life better and more bearable - and I'm just one person. I know others feel the same about you. :hug:
if i don't write it out i just might burst into flames and i'm only an hour into my work shift.
i'm so so angry today!! and partially yesterday. since friday really. my F's words still are lingering in my head and i almost want to punch him for it. i keep flash forward thinking to my mom asking what's wrong why am i not talking, and me just saying "it doesn't matter! it doesn't matter to F and it doesn't matter to you and never have my feelings ever mattered to either of you so stop asking and acting like you care beyond your own potential guilt!!" that's what i want to say!
i feel like i'm boiling over today especially. keeping in mind the phrase "consider the source" in the last 24 hours has been helpful. yeah. why exactly should I believe anything he says to me or about me?! why do i have to feel ugly for no reason! why did no one ever say i was beautiful as I was when i was a kid!
that's a big one. maybe something i havent' had the chance to fully think about over the course of this journey. why hadn't they? why did my dad have to say that to me? i'm not crazy about that style of hair... to me i like the perm better. what good did that do!? none. what does it say about an F who says he doesn't like the hair that grows on his daughter's head? newsflash *!! look at what grows on your head too! on your son's head!! on your wife's head! even though she has a perm. don't you dare think i forgot the day you told her her hair didn't look good. miserable sack of *
i can't believe i spent my whole life begging my M for a perm.. being too young wasn't good enough excuse but when senior prom rolled around that was it for me. there was no more excuse. i was 18 and i wanted what i wanted, but what i needed was for a parent to tell me i didn't need to change my appearance to be beautiful.
the idea of rebelling is still so annoying to me, considering my F labelled me as such for a good chunk of my life, even up to now. but i'm glad i cut my hair last july. i'm SO glad i did, without their permission. without even letting them know. i'm glad i cut my hair AGAIN in january. no permission. no warning. i'm glad i did. i took it into my own hands to tell myself i'm beautiful as i was, as i'd always been, even if M and F didn't think so and didn't say so. even after explaining it constantly to M, who still in the end did not understand my reasoning for the first haircut. that's her own fault and i'm uninterested in explaining it for a 10th time.
i ought to do whatever the * i want. this isn't some BS my F says about people needing to hear the truth. god if i had the backbone, it'd go like this!
me: you say you're all about telling people the truth even when it hurts, right?
F: yeah
me: cool cool well i think i'll follow in your footsteps! get a load of this: YOURE A GODAWFUL PARENT!!!! *packs bags, moves out immediately*
imagine that. just imagine it. i do feel exceptionally closer to moving out. impulsively or not, i just feel it in my bones and in my blood that i just can't keep getting talked to like i'm trash. like i'm nobody's daughter. nothing i've done or not done or refused to do is reason for me to deserve this, and all the pain from childhood. i dont care what happened on their end. i don't care at all. it's not reason for a child to be emotionally neglected and abused. man..
i'm fighting the urge to call my feelings petty. it's just hair... but it's not just hair. it's never just hair. never ever has it JUST been hair. society doesn't want me to be proud of it, my parents don't want me to be proud of it... and that's a shame. but maybe i'll pick back up the rebel label and wear my hair and my label proudly then.
i need to keep talking.. still having imaginings about moving out. less and less about my time living there (with the exception of meeting a partner in the building, but that's romantic wishful thinking), and more about move out day. more about the potential yelling. more about a random day i'm to hang out with friends, as soon as i get into the car, i've shut down. not talking or responding to them. i rush back out the car into the house, grab a bag and pack it with some necessesities and tell my parents it's for a project. back to the car, "I can't live there anymore."
another time, F is ranting at me, in the car probably, at the grocery store. i step out, call Pansy, tell her i can't live here anymore. sorry it's short notice. can i leave ASAP? whenever's convenient for you.
this morning i was in a daze and imagining myself handing my boss my 2 weeks notice.
and last night i dreamt of driving a car horribly (tho i can't drive in my waking life either), it was a big car, so i think that is pretty representative of the state of my waking life. i was backing up out the drive way, and didn't know the wheel directions for reversing, and went into the ditch.
i think i just am getting to the border of being "tired" and "having enough of this." maybe it's how i feel about this dream/my subconscious telling me i'm headed for doom or whatever, but i am getting there. i am running straight into the territory where i feel i just cannot keep surviving. i can't! it's extremely exhausting. just NO!! no no no!!
all of my "attitudes" and "disrespectfulness" is me getting tired of surviving! surviving for me is taking the heat and not being able to protect and defend myself when someone tries to tell me who I AM! sorry hun but not even I know who i am so back off!!
i've survived a lot. for almost 24 years, if not the whole ride. i survived a great deal of absolute *. sometimes i'm so unsure how i made it through certain parts of my life, only to realize that part of my survival was throwing away my already destroyed self worth.
GOD!!! i still cannot understand how "I want mutual respect" is DISRESPECTFUL to an F asking "what do you want out of your relationship with your F?" that parents are incapable of disrespecting their children.... but consider the source. Of course he would say that nonsense.
i think i really need to see Pansy and MG again. thinking about this stuff... i can't tell if it's impulsive feeling or not, but i donno how long i can last in this two story 3 bedroom hellhole.
it's just too late in the game. it's too late for M to realize she could be a million times better at defending her kids their whole lives. for starters, she could have defended us in front of us.
it's WAY WAY too late for F to realize his cruelty. to realize that his cruelty has had and still has consequences on his kids. that those consequences are why we are the way we are. that his actions and words shaped us to still somehow be not good enough.
*TRIGGER WARNING physical abuse, suicide (mention)
I survived these parents. I survived when i was hit for disobedience, or catching an attitude. I survived when they crushed my dreams telling me i wasn't good enough. I survived the bullying at school, and the lack of refuge I had at home. i survived constant privacy invasion and the punishment aftermath. I survived.. when F said he'd rather kill himself than have a daughter who's gay, at 14. i survived the consequential compulsive heteronormativity.. at least... the awful thing was with only one guy. i survived the consequence of that, the depression and following berating from F, who called me psychotic as i cried in front of him, feeling like i failed not only him, but the jerk i felt forced to please. I survived the deterioration of my self worth. I survived their failed attempt at telling me not to go to college for them, but for myself.
i survived going to college, with suddenly unstable guidelines as to how to behave in a new unfamiliar environment. I survived throwing myself away completely, I've now realized and glad it only went as far as heavy drinking on two occasions that i blacked out once and vomited from it both times (even though i told myself "drinking's not a big deal..."). I survived throwing myself into work, putting it before my schoolwork and my health, on my first year away, even though today I pride myself on quitting the reporter job and moving to the enjoyable cartoonist position despite my parents wishes.
I survived a quietly racist and fatphobic second roommate. I survived going into art classes that I didn't feel prepared for, even though they were foundation level, even after telling the professor I didn't feel good enough to be in the class. Yeah remember I survived my parents telling me "You have to be good at art to do it." I survived dropping out, and the quick depression that followed, no one being there for me, but everyone somehow needing me, not caring about the situation I was in.
I survived many many flashbacks, more than I can count. I survived the torment disguised as "tough love," "tough parenting." I survived all the nights, childhood and adulthood, where I cried myself to sleep, feeling so alone and miserable. All the shifts at work I barely made it through because the only thing on my mind was trauma, and for once I couldn't ignore it.
In what world does continuing to survive feel OK anymore? Closer and closer, I feel my self worth resurfacing.
Even though I truly don't have a past "before the trauma" to go back to, the option of rebuilding still stands. Recreating a self, outside of toxic hands. Because of them, I have nothing to return to.
But because of all my surviving, I'm getting the tools to create something strong and better. Beautiful, longlasting. Those tools will die in this house. They will rust and wither in this house. They only last so long in this house until it seems to be of no good anymore. Imagine a life with stronger tools, reinforced by the support of friends. Who know, and who care, deeply, passionately. Where working on myself will be a good thing. I'm a work in progress. that's OK. when the tough times come, they can go with me saying "he's not here to torment me, to manipulate me." I can safely say that I'm ok, and will be OK. His physical presence won't be there, forcing me to hold my breath while he stomps around my space.
I feel like i really need to see my friends. i feel like crying right now but hopefully i can get a break soon.
Huge hugs for my friend Tea.
Finally, the reality that you are WORTH loving and DESERVE love and are capable of BEING LOVED and LOVING is pushing all this yuck and anger through your soul and out of your existence. That is healthy anger. Keep it private for now, though. Others who have not been through what you have been through would see this as a rage and be afraid.
I see it as necessary to move to the next stage of building TEA into who TEA is, not who you've been told you should be.
Why couldn't your parents tell you, as my mother told me, that the hair on your head is your concern. If you like it, wear it proudly! However that is. And, I've told my children the same thing - that hair is on YOUR head. Wear it how YOU want. Be aware, others may judge you based on what you do, but that is a consequence to freedom of expression - someone misinterpreting your expression.
I had no idea that little phrase would spark such a huge fire of emotions. I'm so sorry that it hit at work and you had to deal with the aftermath there. I'm so sorry it ever happened to be stuffed inside you so tightly.
Yes, Tea. You are beautiful. You matter. You deserve to love and be loved in return. :hug:
thank you wife#2. it took a bit out of me, and i've definitely still feeling the anger but mostly the validity of it. which i'm pretty happy about tbh!
in the last couple days I feel like I've been making my mind about M. we are closest other than me and bro, so i've been slightly shaky about things.
i'll start with yesterday since it came as a surprise. once again i had another imagining of move out day. two actually. the first my brother betraying my confidence and outing me. personally i dont think that'd happen unless we end up on incredibly awful terms, and on my end i'm unwilling to allow that to happen.
the other.. slightly better. went like this:
i'm at friends' apartment. F calls, angry, yelling. can't see friends anymore. first time i angrily stand up to him
me: you can't tell me that! you're wrong!
f: yelling something. come home right now!
friends comfort me, unnamed partner asks if I really feel safe going back. I say I have to get my stuff. so it's determined.
I don't return home till nighttime as usual. go inside. yelled at. i stand my ground. retreat upstairs. pack as much as i can.
but then my brother comes in to see this. "do what you have to do." i almost cry, then hug him. then strongly tell him about not letting anyone take away his self worth. "don't wait as long as i did to realize you dont deserve to live here." he agrees. i finish packing and he sneaks my things out to my friends' car that's still outside, while F's ranting in his room. he calls me, yells at me. i look at M whos quietly watching. "since no one is willing to stand up for me, i'll do it myself." say i'm not going to take this anymore. i leave, grab last bag and rush out, noticed by F.
im at the car, he's outside now, yelling.
me: if you think for a second I'm going to spend another minute in that house becoming the worthless garbage you raised me to become, you can ch*ke! i go into the car, and we've driven off.
by this point i'm sitting at my desk crying. like i'm actually in all those moments. still have yet to figure if it's really an emotional flashforward or some sort of daydreaming or even dissociating.
by the end of it, i'd finish a phone conversation with M who once again asked "you dont love your F do you?" and me crying again at the future M who still cannot see the reality we live in. at least that was last night, that got followed up with something nice on youtube so i felt a lot better.
last thursday I got to hang with friends and we had a great time despite my initial anxiety, suddenly needing to self isolate right before leaving, and exasperation. it was good, and more and more im feeling more appreciative of them. our last stop was Target and I decided to buy my bro and F cards ahead of time instead of making them myself. we spent a long time looking at cards and laughed a lot about how they were all lies, and how there needs to be a lie-to-truth ratio. it was good, and after they left, i texted them I was really happy i got to hang with them.
in other news, I still haven't joked/talked much to M after F said that stuff about my hair. It's definitely crummy of me to do this and she not know the reasoning. it's just tiring hearing the same old "he's not gonna change" spiel yet again. not really speaking to F either, but openly and show-offy speaking and joking to bro. don't really know how to break the habit of silent shouldering when i'm wrong unbeknownst to another.. it's tough cos things aren't blatantly going wrong. but i'm still hurt and i'm not sure how to bring it up to her without her asking to not expect him to change or why i don't love him.
but on the day I hung out, a woman at the crafts store complimented my haircut and it was so uplifting. since then I've felt good about it and still reminding myself to consider the source and that's been really handy! and just now a student complimented my outfit as well! so today's been really good so far even tho i'm an hour into my night shift.
on another subject, I realized a new thing I need to work on. self care has been pretty good so far to be honest. I've been becoming passionate about art again and it really is a beautiful thing I'm realizing.
though, I need to learn how to ground myself more often. i must admit I'm always feeling pretty scattered in my head and constantly questioning if i'm really grounded. it's still a concept that eludes me, but I think it'd be beneficial to start learning about considering my toolbox has ... some tools in it finally. i'm really proud of myself!
and last bit but again I'm having dreams again. usually they come up when moving out is at the core of my daily thoughts. it's almost comforting. no nightmares lately. i feel again just a touch closer to moving. and Pansy sending me photos and telling me about the furniture she and MG are buying for the place really helps! :thumbup:
:cheer: I'm cheering because of the hope and self-preservation I see in this post. You are finally coming to see that TEA is an extraordinary woman with talents to offer the world and love to offer friends and that potential SO out there. I hope you like the TEA you are uncovering as much I like her. :hug:
I'm actually taken aback right now (well, about an hour ago). that made me realize something wife#2
all these imaginings, while are often "ideal me," are even more so a genuine me. in particular, the tea who's no longer stifled under trauma on the daily basis. as much as Ive come to understand self care recently, many of my genuine wants is to be cared about (even cared for, though not babied), standing up for myself, just living freely.
and it's true... i've seen the genuine me. it's when i laugh so hard i'm in tears (lately i can thank the podcast MBMBAM for that!), and when i cry when i truly feel loved and valued, and valuable! when i take pride in my art, patting myself on the back for learning watercolors in just a year. when i wanna run and tell everyone my accomplishments! i know she feels pretty big!
but stifled under trauma, is the me who kind of sits motionless, not really sure what i'm thinking about, but thinking about something. holds her breath around people, feels small, like it's not worth it to tell anyone what's she's accomplished.. because "who cares?" that she needs to be entertaining, that she's not entertaining enough (and wants to make her trauma funny, even though that's self invalidating!).
so often i get a little burst of "I WANNA BE REAL BIG!!!" and flail my arms around and just do whatever i want! i wanna run around down a hill covered in wildflowers with my best friends and kind of scream? that's what i'm feeling right now! that i want to scream and yell (just as, but not as quietly, as i did the other day when i opened my windows to such beautiful beautiful spring winds! MAN it was refreshing i even cried! i wanna cry now!)
it's like little tea's wanting to burst out! all these feelings I just wanna feel on the daily, even if i get exhausted! that's what sleep's for! and the next day i'll be rejuvenated. i do feel beautiful! and i feel super corny and i particularly love that feeling! i'm the whole crop!
:yourock: :party: Even though you're stuck in that caustic environment for a while longer, you are uncovering the Tea you are going to be free to be soon. I am so glad that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, you will get to be your authentic you EVERY DAY, ALL DAY. It will happen. You've come a long way, friend. It was hard work and the journey isn't over yet. Still, I celebrate the distance you have travelled. :hug:
possibly suppressed a llot today after the nightmare. i am glad i guess to have fallen asleep after 2 hours of crying and trying to stay awake. i just got too tired and woke up 2 hours later feeling still sluggish and out of it.
the day was ok, i painted in my art journal and listened to a comedy podcast pretty much to keep my mind off it. i definitely kept getting the picture in my mind throughout the day. at one point earlier one of the hosts mentioned railroads and i started crying so there's that. it was really hard in the morning and now it's gotten harder at night now.
it feels like the taking steps forward, and then 500x steps backward, like i'm reverting. but i know i'm not. i just feel a new kind of terrified. still childlike but new for me. similar in that no one was there to comfort me, but the nightmare just was not a real thing. but it felt real. i wont talk about it until i feel Ok to, but i don't think i will. it's something i need to get to the bottom of. why did whatever my anxiety is that i haven't yet addressed have to manifest like this? it's horrifying and it's not fair. i can't even think or write clue words without getting upset.
tomorrow i see my friends again and since they live in the city depending how i feel i may need to tell them to slow down on the expressway. i had a couple imaginings where i started panicking in the car, and again later at their place after hearing a train go by. this really sucks. i'm sorry to my self 2 years ago when it happened and brushed it off because it was quite the most minor accident that could ever happen to F and i. but still got shaken into a new hypervigilance, and thrown into new and confusing and horrifying nightmares that don't make much sense right now. i'll figure it out when I'm feeling stronger and up to facing it like i faced the memories of my abuse.
HUGS - we're here, with you, hands on your shoulder if that is a comfort to you. All your previous success still counts. It just does.
I do wish I could hug you in real life. The sadness in your post makes me want to reach out to you, to comfort you, to let you know you are wonderful, just as you are, even in this struggling moment. I'm glad you took those minutes to post here. I'm glad you trust us enough. Trust yourself enough to reach out.
We do care, Tea. We care about you and we are hoping today isn't as sad or awful. HUGS.
I think i'm on a roll of serious suppression in the last few days. Today's the last day of work this week so I think finally I'll be able to sit down with myself and assess some things.
I attempted to tell MG and Pansy on Sunday when we did some baking but shied around some specific details. I haven't gotten any blues about it since late monday and the fear of sleeping seems to have passed, though the ruined sleep is hitting me since I was really tired and kind of cranky yesterday.
I think what I'll do is write down all the symbols that I can remember and look at some dream symbolism. That's always helped me get past the "acknowledgement" phase and hopefully end up telling M about F's driving. sometimes I feel like I'm close to flying out of my body backwards out of the car.. There's a certain bump we always hit on the way to work that always scares me that we might lose control.
well in some other news, I found a job that's hiring downtown. I haven't told F yet, but I've been working on my resume which is 2 pages and "looks good so far" according to M. I may apply today or later this week and hopefully I can get some good news soon after. Feeling almost a bit miserable re my brother, but today's the last exam day and he just got 3/4 certificates yesterday (barely passed but I'm still proud that he did!) so hopefully he himself will get a job soon too so I can stop worrying I'm moving too ahead of him.
the job seems nice. it's a library job and I hope the pay is decent. M hopes so too so to cover transportation costs but I subtly brought up moving out so I wouldn't have to pay for too much of that. No response of course, but if the interview is successful and they want to hire me, I'm for sure moving out and for sure dropping the My Friends Will Let Me Move In Rent Free [For A While] news on them. I keep getting signs that this is a good thing for me (mostly coincidental "Do what you want~ Live your life~" type lyrics in new songs I've listened to).
Every time I visit the apartment I still get that homey vibe. I've noticed the younger-brother-older-sister dynamic my friends have a lot more clearly than before. It's almost upsetting truthfully, but I think that's my IC feeling fretful that one argument means that's the end of the relationship and the world. Raised voices still make me shrink, but I've imagined some times standing up for myself or just saying "Don't raise your voice at me!" I'm still learning to relax around them too and baking on Sunday I was pretty good at it. Just small things like casually leaning on the counter or just touching areas of the kitchen and putting some of the groceries away. Even turning off the running water because it was bugging me even though city tenants don't pay water bills.
I even put two watercolor sketchbooks into the drawer of the desk in my new room. I made one of them last week and figured I wouldn't use it for a while. So now it's the 2 books and a $60 watercolor palette that I'm keeping in the apartment. Kind of to make a mark on my space.
But that homey vibe is still there. I hope I can move in soon. I can just see a new self emerging as I get settled. More genuine and free and happier than before. Busier even? I kind of wish this job I have kept me busy instead of watching students test all day. I can still see myself painting commissions or laying in my bed with the wind open, getting a lake breeze.
If things go well with this new job hopefully.. I'll attain that. well. I think the reality is is that I will attain that. I don't think I won't ever move out. I donno how but I know all the possibilities that could happen.
Oh, Tea, that's great news about the potential job! I also hope it pays enough to be the final piece to this moving out puzzle. I'm so glad you're seeing how it CAN be between close friends, even between siblings, when there are healthy emotional systems at work. I do understand the envy, but you already put that to bed, so that's wise and wonderful!
I also can see you sprawled across your bed, paper at an angle to catch the light better, breeze billowing the curtain edge and you painting. :yes: All in the new space shared by friends. :yes: The goal is achievable. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU can make a life for yourself and succeed. Surrounded by friends who genuinely care about you (as your friends MG and Pansy do), you can do nearly ANYTHING you set your mind to do. :hug:
Turns out the job is a no. The resume "isn't ready" and isn't specific to graphic design, so when employers read it they may assume I just want the job to get money.... I can't even be bothered to get annoyed at that right now. though it did set me a few mile long steps back in terms of the prospect of moving out, feeling like because he doesn't want me to apply for the job, I'm never going to move out.
I didn't bother to face the nightmare facts/symbolism this weekend. I think out of laziness but I was on my period and really couldn't be bothered to do it. I don't feel so sad or triggered about it much now. I've been doing a lot to not think about it so in the even that I approach the subject again, it'll put me out of sorts, I'm sure. due to all the suppression I suppose.
really just wanted to get to this part though. I'm coming to terms with gender and my sexual orientation and it made me think about the really awful thing F said to me about not wanting a gay daughter (and a much worse statement preceded that, that still haunts me). I know I deserve to be mad. that's fine. i think as usual I'm just sad and exhausted about it. how sad it is thinking about the compulsive heteronormativity I went through. Still go through. Still trying to understand my genuine feelings. Still trying to HAVE genuine feelings about people. that's tiring. policing myself "Make sure you smile!!! You need to feel like you appreciate them! You love them, act like it! Smile! Feel good about them! Feel genuine!!" that's tiring.
the other day, I thought about our life without F in the picture. i've pictured this numerous times over the years. maybe since I was in high school. I always felt bad imagining if something bad had happened and it was only M, bro and me at home. the other day I heard M and bro chatting about something as I was reading in my room and it felt kind of nice to be honest. I could hear how at ease bro was. he may still have VERY VALID frustrations and grudges against M, but second to me, she is still easy to talk to. she's not the type to really judge, but often has a case of not knowing how to really emotionally be there for us. but still, I can see how lighthearted the 3 of us are, and then when F comes downstairs or wherever the 3 of us are at, and the mood/atmosphere will change. And I really hate that. I see it in bro's eyes and his tone of voice. He gets shorter with me/M or the conversation ends quickly and he retreats (isolates) upstairs. I do the same, but not as quickly or typically as he does.
so I keep having these daydreams (very very short lasting) about it being just the 3 of us. M would be more emotionally strong to help us. At least, there wouldn't be someone else making her second guess whether her own children deserve the unfortunately "optional" emotional love and support. I try not to think about it too much because I don't want to get caught up in it. It'd never happen, and part of me feels like if it did, I'd be guilty of it just by thinking about it excessively. how awful am I? is it awful even? the abuse doesn't change the fact that he did provide for me.
but still his providing for me doesn't change the abuse. doesn't cancel out how worthless I grew up feeling (and still feel). how much harder he made my life, so much unnecessarily harder!!! it doesn't change that at all. i know that.
i just wish things were different. i wish he was weaker and my M, brother and me were stronger. if they were stronger, I'd be OK moving forward with things but that's not the case.
Oh, Tea.... HUGE hugs.
I've done the same, regarding my husband. I know that cloud-entered-the-room feeling, too. As the wife instead of the daughter, I can tell you this much. Your mother is VERY aware of it also. She simply isn't strong enough to oppose your father. His Narc talents have drained your mother of some critical parts of her humanity.
There is no shame in imagining him on a rest-of-his-life trip somewhere remote with no phones or internet. Like Castaway. Except no escape from that island.
I'm so sorry that he keeps saying such things to hurt you. I wonder, because I'm an adult and a parent and see things from a different direction, if he isn't aware of your sexuality and trying to goad you into responding to his hurtful remarks. I've seen plenty of goading in my house. One of my proudest moments for DSS24 is when he heard a negative comment about gays from his father and stopped him right there. 'How do you know I'm not gay, Dad? How do you know anything about me or my friends? How many gay people have you known, besides Mom's friend? Don't talk about what you know nothing about, Dad.'
I was FLOORED, but in a great way. I was so proud of him that when his father tried to defend his bigotry, I stopped him. I reminded him that everyone who is gay isn't running around shoving it into people's faces. And he has no right to judge people. Suddenly, the obvious bigotry stopped. He'd been shamed by his son for his bigotry. Now, the worst he'll say is, 'I don't care who a person sleeps with, but just don't put it in my face and tell me I have to like it'. That is as near to open-minded as he can get. DSS24 can live with that.
By the way, DSS24 isn't gay, but his point was our proof of that is very limited (I only happen to know the sister of the last girl he crushed on, who was unfortunately in love with someone else). And, I've let him know that I could care less WHO he loves, or their gender, as long as they are good to him and he is good to them. That SHOULD be all a parent cares about for their child. To love and be loved well. This is what I hope for you, Tea. To love well and to be loved well. This is what you deserve!
im so off track with things but i just need to vent.
i only thought of it just a second ago as i'm sitting and proctoring tests, and i wiped under my eyes kind of dramatically... its weird. i had the thought that i am essentially a walking performance of some sort. like the entertaining fawn can't make any moves without it being thought of as an action being done under watching eyes. im going back to feeling un-genuine again, even though my new gender ID has been helping a lot to make me feel whole. but still so much that i do is such a performance. i dont even know if that's really a "bad" thing or not but i feel like i'm worked up about the stupidest thing of my trauma. when i stare out the window at work when its windy outside, staring for a long time, is that necessary?
im still thinking of all the places my small habits come from. what's genuine, what's not. genuinely, i haven't bothered to take more time understanding my trauma nor the recent nightmare. i dont even know if i'm scared about it anymore but really i'm not sure I want to find out. yesterday unexpectedly on the car ride home i had a sudden, very brief flashback. an overall feeling i had of my midteens. all the times i got into trouble and the times my F said he didn't care about my feelings, felt all that in just 2 seconds and 2 seconds more i felt so angry until i got in the house and got greeted by my brother who goofily "fell" up the stairs.
even writing that felt like a performance. i feel all the time so calculated.
but i guess that makes sense considering much of my actions were calculated in a self-preserving yet self sacrificing way.
now i just feel like i dont want to talk about anything. i can't say things are going super great but so far no one's yelled at me nor have there been any problems, but of course i feel tired. but i dont want to go into it. idk what that means, if i'm just taking another break or just avoiding it simply.
i know part of self care is taking care that my needs are met. and i donno. i'm exhausted suddenly so i'll see about writing again tonight.
Tea - that is going to be one of the hardest parts to overcome, and therefore not stupid!
This happens to me so much I named it. Going into 'performance' mode. My husband has observed this and calls me out on it. I just don't know any other way to be around my FOO. The part hubby hates is that it can take DAYS to get back to being me. And, most of the time, that's because I have to go back over and redefine who 'me' is.
Distance is the best overall cure for that sense that you aren't real, just an image put up for everyone to see. Those commercials for an antidepressant that shows sufferers putting up a happy face in front of their depression really hit home with me. That used to be me all the time. I've only in the past few years begun allowing my FOC to see that depression or that quietness or that gentleness that is part of my genuine self. The more time I get away from my FOO and don't even think about them, the more I feel safe and real being who I am.
You will find, when you finally are able to break free from your FOO, that it may be slow going while you figure out just who TEA genuinely is, but you'll sense that comfort and that soul-ease when you express something genuine. I won't lie, it's scary sometimes. That second-guessing when you want to be real, but don't know if it will be accepted by anyone, feels like the world will stop spinning. Stepping through the fear and doing it anyway is the warrior woman action. Those first few times you've already spoken your truth were probably like that. It does get easier. You do become more comfortable with the idea that they don't have to like you, but they do need to accept you for who you are or get out of your life. Your FOO may never do that. OK. That's horrible, but it's horrible about who THEY are that they can't or won't. It's not a judgment on who you are. It's a reality of who THEY are.
thanks so much for the words of support and encouragement wife#2 :hug:
it feels like a big journey step, even though this is going to be just a long assessment of things. i don't know why i'm choosing to do it today of all days, but i've been pushing it off long enough and tomorrow i'm spending the day painting cards and flowers and figuring out how i'm going to manage on the the second of SEVEN spring/summer holidays in may-july. (holiday anxiety 2K17 continues).
going to talk about the nightmare. trains haven't seemed to trigger me so I think I'm good.
mom dad and I are driving somewhere. a lot of train tracks everywhere alongside the road we're driving. We get to an area with multiple tracks curving and leading here and there. It doesnt make sense at all, logically this would probably never appear in the real world. the area has train tunnels on the 3 walls in front and to the sides of where we came from. Suddenly trains are approaching very fast and it seems like they'll all crash but the tracks don't let them. There's some cars coming from behind and next to us. Theres a path for cars to go alongside the trains carefully, and we continued driving slowly, waiting for a train to pass. one of the cars, kind of old timey, drives past us and into the path of where a train was going to be. We were stunned and scared and it didn't take long for a train to come around from the left, and then behind us, to the right and run into the car mercilessly. i think the car had tried to back up at the last minute but not in time. i was so horrified and i felt like i was screaming No no! but maybe just in my head.
i woke up right after that crying of course. now i'm crying and i don't know if it's from remembering the fear. In the last handful of years i've been getting through bad and weird dreams by looking at symbolism to help me at least get an idea of whatever inner turmoil it is i'm dealing with.
in a way I guess this dream couldn't have come at a better time. I definitely have been doing a lot of suppressing and after realizing "survival mode" isn't good enough, yet still going through with it, it might have messed with me. Reinforcing feelings that I'm going against my Self-That-Needs-Protecting by not moving forward with move out plans or jobs or projects etc etc. Like in a way, I'm colliding with myself maybe? Not that that meaning for the dream is 100% factual, but it's getting some gears in my brain moving so I can hopefully make an action soon.
The surviving thing. it entails pleasing and conforming and suffocating. Those are things FOO unknowingly (the first 2) want from me. And I guess inside, in my mind i've grown to fully understanding that can't be an option anymore. Self-sufficiency isn't sufficient in terms of protecting and suppressing my true self in order to survive here. I'm making a lot of nice, even though I'm still distant with F. I wish it could be easier and that I could be confident and just move forward. but of course that's not the case and somehow i have to muster up the strength to come out and say "I'm done here" and get on with my life.
truthfully I feel incredibly exhausted these days and maybe that's why ive been taking the easy way and suppressing and ignoring and coasting day to day. I have been doing a lot of work since september when I joined, and to have such a different perspective and understanding of things than I did before joining is still something kind of amazing. despite most struggles not changing or getting any easier/manageable.
i only just realized that if I were to go about things in a survival way, it wouldn't be until 2022 when I move out. I still have to finish school. get a job. save money. school would probably take 2-3 years if I'm lucky and end up being dedicated.
I guess that's where my bro and I are different. He's willing to bide his time and hold his tongue for as long as it takes until he can move on and out. He's endured a lot more than I have. Though just partly because I've been at his side. in this cold dark and suffocating place, there's at least one person here for him. one constant. it seems rude to bring it up like I'm a saint. i've failed in a lot of ways. though I guess those failures were things that shouldn't have been expected of me in the first place.
on the other hand, I just don't know if I'm willing like that. i speak out in ways that seem like my true and healthy self preservation skills are still there somewhere, mostly dormant and active at sporadic times. i'm impulsive, with the downfall of second guessing myself and my validity as a person. as an abused person. i've learned too much about abuse and neglect and trauma to NOT want do something about it now. i know what surviving is like, and what it's done to me and it isn't fair to continue it.
especially! most especially with the opportunity of moving out *snap* just like that. with a phone call. to rebuild under the support of friends. i donno when this is going to end. i thought it might be spring break 2 months ago. then maybe the end of this summer. it can't be 2018. it can't be 2022. or later than that. I don't even think i would change if I realized I had to stay here another year. i could use 6 months worth of confidence boosters just to be able to tell my parents i'm just thinking of moving out to start progressing in my life.
it's naive to think, but I imagine maybe they'd understand. even if I said "I really need to progress. I don't feel like I'm doing anything and time is going by, I'm almost 25." they see me in this crummy job. it's easy, but the pay isn't cutting it, nor is it helping us. if somehow I can get some job in the city. the idea of moving out and not having to pay rent for a while could help. i need to be OK with being told "No," that it doesn't mean i'm worthless or invalid. at least then, i'll be making moves to moving out. that'd be my priority.
i dont really know what to do now. its finally 1am so ive been writing this for 2 hours trying to process things and i'm not sure what the conclusion is really. I ended up suppressing and going against my true self, knowingly, and need to remedy that. suppressing in favor of just trying to exist day to day didn't work out the way I thought it would.
more talking to IC and keeping up with how she's doing. i need to get back on track with that. event the times i did get upset and emotional, i seemed to have maybe stifled her and I'm feeling out of touch for sure. I feel like things have gotten a lot harder, or more confusing. I know what to do, but I'm still at a loss.
I have some ideas of what the trains, tracks and old-fashioned car all represent, but those are MY ideas. This is your dream. What do you think they mean? Without looking them up in a dream-translator. (I know, because I'd be tempted to do that, too).
The trains are all fine, moving along their paths, every which-a-way, quickly as if motivated. They don't wreck, though it looks like they will all the time.
Your family is safe, as long as the car you're in doesn't hurry, doesn't push.
The old-fashioned car is either unable to move or unaware of the danger from staying still. It is mercilessly struck by trains.
Your heart goes out to the old-fashioned car. You want to help. You are horror-struck.
If you keep having this dream, it's important. Even if it's only with small changes. There is a theme in here for you to understand. Even understanding, I think we both know, doesn't mean the dream will stop, just that it won't hurt you so badly when it does recur.
HUGS, I can imagine how frustrating this figuring out the calendar thing can be. The only thing I can say is that my plan failed by a year. I was almost 31 the last time I moved out of my mother's house. BUT, it was still glorious. I was buying my own home. So, maybe the plans seem to be falling apart, being put on hold, or that your life is slipping past you. Still, even if this IS the case, you can find what will make all this delay, all this struggle worth it. Will it be escaping with friends who REALLY care about you? Will it be renting your own place and knowing you'll NEVER have to live with Mom and Dad again? Find that piece of the puzzle and hold onto it. That piece can be what gets you through however long your dream takes. Mine was delayed by a year. I don't regret that. A lot of good happened during that extra year. And the goal made it all worth even more to me.
I can only hope this dream helps you resolve some ideas and begins to lose it's fearsome qualities. :hug:
a small note for recent reference. i decided i'm gonna reread this journal. just to get a perspective and see how things have changed for me mentally. a quote I had pulled out reminded me of an important task I had forgotten.
QuoteThere are many codependents who understand their penchant for forfeiting themselves, but who seem to precipitously forget everything they know when differentiation is appropriate in their relationships. To break free of their subservience, they must turn their cognitive insights into a willingness to stay present to the fear that triggers the self-abdication of the fawn response, and in the face of that fear try on and practice an expanding repertoire of more functional responses to fear.
I think I've come pretty for, knowledge wise and self-sympathizing wise. I am a lot nicer to myself now than I was back in the fall. A bit stronger, at least in terms of caring about little tea. I read the first time I tried interacting with her, and I remember it kind of fondly. I think then I decided my dominant right hand would be the adult self, and my left hand would be my child self. When I self soothe and pat myself on the chest when I'm sad or frustrated, it's my dominant hand patting, covered by little tea's hand. Rubbing her hand with my dominant hand when I know a bad feeling is bubbling up. I do care about her.
Still been rereading. Today's my last day of work before the summer and I got to the entry about some childhood things that might explain/be evidence of neglect.
for a second I tried to prove it wrong. I could feel that invalidating feeling in my chest. I remember when I was in elementary school, we lived in an apartment. Many times after school, I had to go to this place called "The Office" to wait for my brother to come from school to pick me up, or for my dad to come and drive me to his job. I'm feeling really emotional about this. A sad kind that I feel about being lonely as a child.
All those times I waited in the office. I was too small to have my own key and I was notorious for losing things. So I had to wait at the office, which I guess was a place where you go to rent one of the apartments? looking back, I don't like waiting there. I of course never said anything. The office lady was nice to me for the most part. There was a candy bowl I remember and being a kid I wanted to take a piece every day I got there. I did infrequently. I think I mostly felt like a bother. A burden to another adult.
At one time, I watched a pair of people play racquetball from a window above them. Some times I went to another room to watch TV and draw or do some homework sheets. But for the most part that makes me upset is I never did anything but wait. No one interacted with me much. A small kid. 7 years old. 8 years old. No one talked to me at all. Once again I was in one room or another by myself. Why didn't anyone talk to me? I guess the employees were busy.
On days my dad took me to his job, I sat at the back of the store, in the breakroom, while my dad, the manager of the game store, worked. I watched a small retro tv/radio and ate a burger we got on the way. Did my homework. I went out to the floor to look at strategy guides or new games that came out. I liked to play Harvest Moon and Power Stone (if someone came up to play with me, I'd walk away) and Paper Mario. For the most part I was doing things by myself. A child. 7.. 8 years old.
On days my brother picked me up and walked us home, it was a bit different. We'd watch TV together until 4 when I had to go do my homework. It was ok. That first hour. Sometimes we'd draw at the dining room table. Most times I sat in my room by myself keeping busy.
These were school days. That old entry from october brought up some sad feelings for me.
And the grocery store incident when I was a toddler. "Don't ever let me catch you acting like that!" Dad lectures me about a fellow crying kid who wanted his toy or something. I didn't understand it until that entry.
Don't ever let me catch you crying.
Don't ever let me catch you having negative emotions.
Don't ever let me catch you wanting things.
Now I don't like crying in front of people who are supposed to care about me.
Now I actively suppress negative emotions. Well, at least up until recently.
Now I'm not assertive enough to ask for what I need.
At least now I am better at not suppressing negative feelings as much. At least in the comfort of my own space away from others, I can release that. Small attempt to awaken the fight response.
I think a fight response may be something to work towards. That would help me move out, but also help me manage things better. I'll think more on that later.
what's new today other than once again I woke up, showered and immediately started drasticizing and mentally arguing with my brother. yesterday was his 30th birthday and things were all good. we chatted a lot but most of it i did laundry and he watched videos/movies on his own. by the end of the day i was cleaning up some doors with some wood soap and cleaning the banister when F came out his room staring in a sort of pretend shock that i was cleaning. i ended up cleaning my parents' bedroom door too, along with my brother's.
by the end of the night he didnt seem in the mood to talk. it could be a number of things. of course i am currently assuming it's because it seemed like i was trying to get attention and be the star child by doing cleaning. i mainly regret the cleaning because my fawn response was in full gear yesterday. i did a lot of petty favors/stuff. did the dishes all week and after today i'll continue doing them since i have this one shift today until 1.
so i guess i felt like i needed to keep being subservient even though it wasn't necessary. now today i feel frustrated about my brother's ending attitude last night. in my head i was telling him he needs to work through his trauma. that I didn't do anything to him by cleaning. then went deeper almost getting to the usual "my trauma is just as real as yours even though nobody cares and nobody noticed I was ever sad when I was growing up!" conversation. i spent almost an hour doing that before leaving for work. i started tear up patting myself on the chest trying to tell myself i didn't do anything wrong and even if he's hurt by my actions, it comes from a place of trauma-reaction (both if I'm right) and not from my abusive/manipulative behavior. for a split second, twice, i could picture holding my child Self.
I'll move on and think about that. the one i mostly picture is carrying age. probably 5 or 6, so a kindergartner. patting my chest with my dominant/Adult hand with my left/Child hand on top felt like i was holding her to my shoulder as I pat her back. so that was good. I still feel teary, a building guilt I can feel. I don't think I did anything wrong. I don't want to pull up how Ive been ignored by everyone my whole life and am genuinely the only person who emotionally looks out for my brother, while I'm the little sibling that ended up having to look out for herself and attempt to care for her own emotional needs by herself (unsuccessfully). I know that's all true, but i feel like i'm doing invalidating now.
at least I could see little tea. I left my earphones at home in a frustrated rush so I cant listen to anything that could cheer the mood until my shift is over.
i'm sure when i get home i'll suck it up and fawn away and if that fails i'll retreat to my room like a failure.
Tea, it could be a let down due to unfair expectations on his part. He, being used to you tending HIS needs and it being his 'big 30', may have expected YOU to throw him a party or make a big fuss over him. You treated it like any other day, so he's being sour towards you.
This is my theory only. And, I want to support you in knowing that your actions were not wrong and his disappointment or foul mood are his responsibility.
If you are up to it and WANT to do something for your brother, perhaps you could suggest you and he getting away for some sibling time this weekend. Catch a movie or hit the park and act like children for a while (helps a lot when someone is feeling old) or grab his favorite (affordable) meal together.
He probably wanted to have someone drag him out and 'make' him feel special. That didn't happen, so he's having a go at a pity party, possibly.
If he's still pouting and unwilling to 'hang out' with you, then take some time for yourself! Bring Little Tea to the park or for a movie that you AND Little Tea might enjoy. If you want, you can think (or even say), 'Ok. Suit yourself. I was going to be nice to you, but instead, I'm going to be nice to ME and you can stay here and stew if you want. Love you, brother, BYE' In your most cheerful inner or outer voice. It's surprising how just thinking that can lighten YOUR mood!
Try, I know this will be hard, but try to choose a good mood for yourself for an hour. If that works, stretch it to two hours. Refuse to grant your brother's sour mood permission to ruin your whole day. It takes work and it's absolutely ok if it doesn't happen. Still, it's one way to chip against that wall of emotional enmeshment that everyone in your family expects from you.
HUGS!
Wife#2 it's strange because we definitely did a lot of interacting yesterday! it was more so strange that he wasn't making it a big deal, but i know he tends to bottle things up, so maybe that is the case that he wanted to feel special even tho a good 90% percent of my attention was on him outside of doing laundry. he seemed to wanna just hang with himself and after long conversations he would dismiss me as he usually would so i could leave him. this weekend we're doing the whole cake shebang since M worked so maybe it'll be different then. but we had ice cream together and i still feel like the ending with the door chores was bad on my part?
maybe he is isolating even though he wants attention and I feel selfish and simultaneously like a tired parent that I did offer and was genuinely gravitating towards him the whole day. he's got a lot on his mind from retaking a certificate test next month to doing job search again today until next week and then back to studies for the test. so I can understand the stress and maybe even his normal desire to want to be alone to deal with it alone.
it's just likely that i'm projecting and placing assumptions onto him and similarly expecting him to be all smiles/cheer and when he's not there's an issue (though I'm projecting inward, while he would project outwardly and confront me).
i wish i had access to transportation or anything because taking him out totally would have been something I'd have done or offered. i still always want to present myself that there's nothing that would make me not want him to be a happy person and know that there's someone that cares for him genuinely, even if it is partly because of our own trauma. like... it didnt feel right to go back to finish laundry or pretty much just not be around him the whole day. and when he wanted me gone, it felt weird and i always tried to linger a bit and we'd goof off. but still, it gave me the feeling of my 23rd birthday when no one was hanging around me and i sat alone for the whole day. just months after his 28th when we sat together to watch a favorite childhood cartoon for over 12 hours.
I donno. i'll know when i get home, but will be even more sure this weekend. thanks for the insight by the way. it's appreciated as always
Aww, TEA! :bighug: You really, really tried!
This is going to be a challenge. Try and repeat after me: His mood is not my responsibility. Nobody else's mood is my responsibility. I can only control me. Only he can control him.
Also, so you did some chores. So, you were caught by Nfather DOING those chores. Your goal wasn't to 'outshine' your brother, right? Therefore, you can't control how your father or your brother reacted. You were trying to do a nice thing for the household - cleaning common spaces. I hate when no good deed goes *unpunished*.
:bighug:
trigger warning for caps lock/shouting, probably cursing that i'll block out
it's still early in the evening but i want to write because i'm sad and angry and want to calm down before i talk to friends who sent consoling messages yesterday.
it was going to be a great day yesterday. go to work to make up memorial day hours, go to the bank to take out financial support money, go home and paint and watch a favorite movie.
NOPE!! F says disapprovingly "Why didn't you put on your earrings?" I forgot i left them in my jacket. not that it mattered! but I know matters that i keep up even the pettiest of * gender roles. whatever.
surprise trip to grocery store to get detergent rebate. cool. "what's the size we need to get?" no response. i turn away slightly to show i'm annoyed at that and try shake it off because i'm gonna go home and paint.
still nope! get to self check out. I think we are going to do this separately, and that he only has one rebate for last week's sale price. "stay right there" in that dictator voice like I haven't ever bought my own groceries before. I scan and am about to pay. "Come over here!!" I'm confused so I try to void the item and get an attendant. "Get over here, Tea!" I turn to him and head over, invisibly frustrated of course. he's talking to me as if he explained how we were going to do the rebate. as if I even knew I'd get one too since he didn't hand me anything.
after he pays for his, I'm about to scan, the attendant stops me and has to key in the rebate first. Cool. we set it onto the bag holder and I pay and finish. F tells me to put it into the bag. NO *!!!! who wouldve thought! I know I need to double bag because it's huge. I lift it up -"HOLD ON!" god * damn I must be a giant moron or something!! we leave.
I'm scrolling the grocery app to check some new coupons as we drive off. "YOU FIND SOMETHING ON SALE?!?" I was shaken I barely understood what he was saying. he asks again, I say I'm just checking new coupons. i started to tear up because i imagined him smacking me in the face for scowling at his booming voice.
here's the * great part of the whole day!!!
a car next to us to the right (i'm in passenger side) tries to swerve into our lane. F honks. fine. They flip us off. F honks louder and longer and we drive past. as we're driving, they drive around us to the right off the shoulder of the road and pass us, but they slow down. i've been in a small panic the last 10 seconds as we passed them. panic heightens.
i think we're going to crash. we dont, but f's not slowing down. i think he was yelling. as we get further down the road he goes around them to the passing lane (two lane street) and just ahead is a small school bus coming up. as soon as I saw I'm in full panic almost quiet shouting "dad!! stop!! please don't!! no please don't!" and on the verge of tears feeling like i've already flown out the car.
"WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR??!!" the other car is behind us and turns left as F honks again, yelling at them, and we go straight cross the intersection. again, "WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR!! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!!" i can barely get out that i don't want anything to happen because THEY seemed they could be aggressive and hurt us whether with their car or with a gun or anything.
i get lectured. i'm crying and shaking and trying to drown out his yelling as he misunderstands, thinking i'm upset he honked when i'm upset of fear and that he pulled into the other lane into oncoming traffic even though they were a bit further down. i got lectured all the way to the bank and beforei could even get out i was still shaking and red eyed but left anyway.
more lecture to his bank, and he told me if his car was old and dingy then "his intentions would be" to run into their car into a ditch and it's awful!! i'm on that side of the car. i'm IN the car!! does he not care?
more lecture on the way home. i tried to sound understanding and agreeing/obedient even though i was still shaken and still focused on how i was yelled at WHY AM I CRYING instead of getting CONSOLED!! instead of being APOLOGIZED TO!!
"Sorry Tea! I didn't mean to make you scared."
"Sorry Tea, I don't want you to be afraid when you're in the car."
"Sorry Tea, I was so angry they had the nerve to flip us off even though they were wrong, but I was wrong to drive aggressively like that, especially with you in the car and I will work to not ever do that again so you feel safe with me driving."
NONE OF THAT. again once again there's no comfort and I knew it wouldn't come to me. that's the price survivors pay, even though those of us who "know better" than to expect what was never given.
i almost didn't tell bro, but i told him the story later on in a more annoyed tone than feared because by nature I know and don't expect he would give any comfort or some kind of reassurance. i didn't talk about how i cried and panicked.
the couple times F left his room i started to cry, like somehow his presence is even scarier than before. i'm very much avoiding him.
it won't happen because my drasticized imaginings don't ever come to life but i ended up constantly picturing myself panicking again in the car and stopping short of opening the door to my friend's car, frozen in place. then inside and panicking and crying and embarrassed.
i haven't done anything for little tea but will do some comfort touches before bed and try to think about consoling her even though i'm not even sure i'll feel safe.
it only just hit me that he definitely didn't even tell M that i was so upset. that i was panicking! i don't know what she even knows. she definitely didn't come to me to say anything. F didn't come to me to say anything or apologize. it's like when i was in the hospital years ago in an emergency, away at college and my brother ended up telling me how F was telling M to shut up when she wanted to come down and make sure i was ok.
there's just no capacity to love and care in my own father and it really *s me up. how you could visibly see the fear in your own child's face, adult or not, and have no urge to let them know they're ok. that they'll be ok. i don't mean anything at all to him and i still every month hand over half my check to keep us all afloat. he doesn't care about me or any of us at all. outside of being his property. i'm not worth anything to him. if i'm not physically damaged that's all that matters. yet another reason to add to the list of reasons how he doesn't care about my feelings.
But, Tea, you ARE physically damaged as a direct result of what he put you through! You're having panic attacks and flashbacks and everything that goes with another injury to you.
As is typical of a narc, there aren't scrapes or bruises, but the wounds are deep! :bighug:
It makes me angry for you that you cannot yet escape this situation. Yes, he was acting rashly and recklessly and you were his victim, along with anyone else on the road around both cars.
Yesterday, I nearly got run off the road, with my DS8 in the car, by a car passing who didn't even notice me. By then, it was almost too late. If I hadn't pulled off, he would have hit us head-on. So, this kind of carelessness is fresh on my mind. To think of you strapped in that car, helpless in the situation, then fussed at for crying makes me furious on your behalf.
My personal opinion, having been around narcs, is that tears remind them of the harm they do others. Rather than apologize and mend the relationships, they get angry at the reminder of their own wrongness so then take it out on the very person they wronged. This isn't to excuse him in the slightest. It's just to help you understand how he could be angry with you for crying instead of repentant for scaring you and behaving so wrong while driving.
The saddest part is that you get two injuries for the price of one. Hurt, scared (really - terrified), then diminished for having emotions that don't tell Dear Old Dad that he's the greatest Dad ever!
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
How it's safe for me to respond, since I'm not living in that house with you: Gee, Dad, you are such a great provider that you require HALF my income to cover your bills. It couldn't be any issues with your personality, could it? Like the issue that makes it OK in your mind to scare the * out of your daughter, then be mad that she cried about it? Just saying. By the way, if your recklessness had killed me, where would you be then? Think about THAT if you are too selfish to think about me and my feelings. You need my income, so protect me a little better in future, why don't ya?
In essence, it's ok to be angry at him for what he did, how he responded later and how he's still choosing to expect you to 'get over it' so he doesn't have to deal with bad feelings about being a reckless jerk.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
it's dad's birthday and it's been terrible so here's reasons to stay mad. reasons to not ever forgive. **warning for suicide mentions** one day I'll be able to stop questioning if I'm overreacting or am too sensitive.
dad has said many times "I do not care about your feelings." if he does not care about my feelings, a core part of being human, he does not care about me.
multiple times dad was never there for me. not when kids bullied me at school. not when a boy harassed me in the hallway. not when a boy made me feel worthless and consequentially near-suicidal.
dad told me "I'd rather kill myself than have a gay daughter" when I was 14.
mom and dad read all of my journals while was in school, punishing me when I came home that day.
dad threatened to send me away to a detention center to "learn a lesson" because of I cursed in my journals.
dad was never patient. if I didn't understand something that seemed obvious, I would get yelled at or/and lectured.
dad thinks domestic violence isn't that bad.
mom is not a good role model.
dad yelled at me to the point of tears because a friend created a facebook account for me.
dad shows no respect to any natural boundaries that I inherently have as a human and as his daughter.
mom never defended me nor did anything to prevent him from treating me harshly.
dad is an aggressive narcissist. he shows off when he speaks with strangers or old coworkers, while treating his family like we are worthless outside of chores and academics/other performance.
both dad and mom have hit me as punishment. the longevity is irrelevant.
dad has on several occasions made me feel ugly and worthless.
my tears and all non-positive emotions have all always fallen on deaf ears.
dad developed no skills or refused to bond with me in a way that makes me feel emotionally safe.
dad doesn't believe children, adult or not, should get respect, and that mutual respect between children and their parents does not exist/doesn't make sense.
my dad yelled at me just for asking for mutual respect.
mom asks "you don't love your dad do you?" in situations where my anger and sadness towards him is justified.
when dad's angry with someone that isn't you, he takes his anger out on everyone.
brother invalidates me, even though a year ago we talked about him stopping.
dad cared to rather show a woman employee my age, that it's important for her to keep her relationship with her father despite being estranged, rather than show support and love towards his own daughter.
mom and dad forced me to become the parent-child of my older brother before i even got to middle school.
brother compares his and my growing up circumstances in order to make my sadness/frustrations seem unnecessary or irrelevant compared to his own.
dad yelled at me while I was in mid-panic attack while aggressively driving with another aggressive driver.
brother has made me feel like I should be fully concerned with how he is consistently hurt by dad, instead of caring or wondering if his younger sister is also hurting at all.
dad has made me feel like I must please every man in order to "not be gay," regardless of what I want for myself.
brother does not understand my existing in two toxic relationships: one between my parents and me, and the other between me and him.
brother does not/is not capable of reciprocating the emotional support i've given him through my parent-child role.
dad and brother both have consistently yelled/chastised me for crying/showing non-positive emotions.
brother confirmed today that it's imperative that I wait for him to get his career-ball going before I move out, despite my protest that at some point I just can't keep dealing with being treated like I am worthless trash.
Tea, I haven't read your Journal before. Now I've read through most of the final page in it. Your post about what it was like going to the Office after school or to your dad's place of work made me feel really sad. Probably partly because I was neglected at home as well, especially after school. :hug: to little Tea.
As for the long list on your dad's birthday about what all your parents have done and said to you over the years, and also the role your brother is playing in the mess, - you are not overreacting or being too sensitive! They sound very insensitive. Maybe that's just the way they are. And you are sensitive. That's the way you are. Not too sensitive, as if being sensitive is always necessarily a bad thing. It is good that there are sensitive people in this world. My parents tried to beat / ridicule / scream the sensitivity out of me, but that's not how it works. So no, I repeat, you are not being too sensitive, you are being who and how and what you are.
The list of all they did and said - I can't even read all of it at once - it speaks volumes. That's more than enough to traumatise somebody several times over. And you're still living with them on top of it all. I think you are very strong and brave to manage in that situation, and you also come across as very clear. I hope you are having a better day today. :hug: to modern day Tea too.
thank you lots blueberry :hug: that means a lot to me after this tiring weekend. i did a lot of thinking and can agree that all this has made me very strong in a way. in a, i can still survive all this. i'm glad my wording seems clear and i can't believe you've read most of it already so i really appreciate that too! today i feel a bit different. more self-protective in a way :)
Tea - I have nothing that I can say to help. Just know we're here with you. I hope you keep making it through each day. I wish you could get into good therapy that could help you see your inner beauty and talent and compassion. :bighug:
thanks kindly as well wife#2! no words necessary, i'm glad youre here as always :hug:
I think i realize more than ever now that i'm the only one to make change in this family. yesterday I asked MG for reassurance that the offer was still available and he said it's there for as long as I need it. I said it wasn't a confirmation of action or anything, just looking for reassurance after the miserable weekend I had.
I'm now in regret and trying to figure out how to scrounge up some cushion cash before summer ends. I just. need to have some money that can get me regular necessities before I find new work if i'm gonna move out. i know it's not necessary as I wont be paying rent right off the bat, but it'll keep me feeling assured.
told my mom how year after year brother's been repeatedly saying how nothing's ever going to change. and how still nothing has changed of course. and I said that it seems like now I'm the only one who's able to make any sort of change.
biding my time isn't change. biting my tongue isn't change. its almost reinforcement of the toxic cycle, and somehow my brother can't see that. or isn't acting on that, likely for valid reasons.
in an older entry (entries?) i felt so guilty about leaving him behind to deal with all this alone. how that's kept me here and growing more and more tired. worse for wear. and how saturday he told me that if I were to leave he'd have no one here (to talk to, to vent to, to make days bearable). i felt sad about that as I always have.
but I felt even angrier, that he confirmed it. he said to me later that day that I should "go out and get what I want" and to not "worry about me bearing the brunt" of mine or someone else's actions. part of me feels he didn't mean any of it. a big part. because the question stands: will he be ok if I leave?
but we both have to move past this. forcibly or otherwise. it'll HAVE to happen. one of us will leave first, and the other will leave second and hopefully progress into happier lives. by going out. and getting what we want. regardless the effort. waiting around won't help us. and as i've been told in this very journal, we cannot become healthier in a toxic environment. and i said that to him, we can't grow in an unhealthy place. he agreed, feeling stagnant. so while the issue is feeling abandoned... the reality is that i'm not. i'm still his sister, still gonna call and communicate. we're adults. 24 and 30. part of adulthood is not waiting around for someone else to call the shots and make the moves for you. or move pieces into place for you. that's my take. i'm tired of waiting for him like he wants me to. i may have an outlet of friends but it doesn't change the fact that i'm not getting any better. any younger. one of us has to leap and get through all the obstacles first, and if it has to be me, then i'll suck it up as I always have.
I don't think I care what comes of it, but I've decided this year I am going to move out. however I can. I fear getting ahead of myself with planning but I feel different and I feel a good kind of angry. I genuinely can't move on staying here. I can't get into a good self care routine while everyone's throwing me back into the toxic cycle. I can't keep doing that. Whatever it takes. If it means returning things to get some cash back, whatever. It's impulsive to say, but really it's been on my mind since december 2015 and i've spent long enough biding my time.
Quote from: tea-the-artist on June 06, 2017, 05:21:29 PM
it'll HAVE to happen. one of us will leave first, and the other will leave second and hopefully progress into happier lives. by going out. and getting what we want. regardless the effort. waiting around won't help us. and as i've been told in this very journal, we cannot become healthier in a toxic environment. and i said that to him, we can't grow in an unhealthy place. he agreed, feeling stagnant. so while the issue is feeling abandoned... the reality is that i'm not. i'm still his sister, still gonna call and communicate. we're adults. 24 and 30. part of adulthood is not waiting around for someone else to call the shots and make the moves for you. or move pieces into place for you. that's my take. i'm tired of waiting for him like he wants me to. i may have an outlet of friends but it doesn't change the fact that i'm not getting any better. any younger. one of us has to leap and get through all the obstacles first, and if it has to be me, then i'll suck it up as I always have.
Strong and wise words, Tea! :thumbup: :thumbup:
Standing by, holding my breath, hoping you'll choose Tea and HER health and HER wellbeing, for long enough to escape. Cheering you on no matter what you decide. This is YOUR life, you get to choose the next step. Those who have no motivation to change, won't. Those who do may get sidetracked, but change they will. I think you are one who has motivation! :bighug:
have been talking to M during lunch break. i took an hour accidentally today but it's summer so it went unnoticed. lot of frustration i've vented in the short time. last week she asked what it was she could do to make things right and i told her there was nothing. i don't think i even care what can be done because i know nothing can change. F's going to continue being a narcissist and hurting everyone. i dont know how you can emotionally hurt a narc and still stay safe when you're dependent on them.
i told her also about pansy and MG offering their place. she kept wanting to "bring it up" to make the situation better and i strongly told her not to and if anything happens then i would certainly move out next week. i dont want my brother having to suffer any more because of these "talks" that come of nothing but F controlling the conversation and me and bro grovelling and apologizing while F reinforces in himself that he's always right, will always be right, and has not and never will be the problem. meanwhile M watches in the close distance as her two kids get mercilessly chewed out and emotionally destroyed even more than what seems to be possible.
i don't know how she can't be angry. maybe we're the same in that it's hard to pick up the anger and keep it when you're powerless in a way. i told her she needs to be a better mom to bro and look at my relationship with him, how we are never awkward unless with the parents. she's not going to get it. i don't think she is.
im back at work and she came by to hug me and hope i feel better? it was just a short while ago, i'm not sure how I already forgot. i didn't hug back. i'm just tired and need to eat because i didn't eat at all in the hour we talked. she's not gonna get any of this. at the beginning of our conversation she told me she read into cptsd and told me she didn't want me to be diagnosing myself, because it could be called something else, just because i feel like my brother deals with some of the things. but i tried to gear it back to myself because this is essentially about me. not focusing on my brother, but me. she said the same about diagnosing but of course it was unhelpful. "don't want you to feel this way... i wish you didn't feel this way." would have helped me more if she looked more into it and put pieces together either for herself or for me, and not say anything at all but act on it.
she still thinks she was always there for me the best she could, and i guess that could be true, but the results don't really show that. all those times spent alone isn't being there for me. all the times i got bullied at school and got told "try not to cry" (and the times i got bullied and DIDN'T tell them). told her she didn't stand up for us vehemently like i figured a mom would. told her they did the bare minimum. food. clothing. shelter. education. all the things if you didn't provide your kid you could legally get in trouble i assume. no laws against not being emotionally neglectful to your child. signs might look like they're shy.
i assume we'll continue talking tomorrow during my break but again, i'm just tired.
Tea,
Yes, there are some telling comments from your Mom. I think that she really does love you, but that she is damaged more than she realizes or is willing to admit. Otherwise, she wouldn't have emotionally abandoned you in favor of your father.
I understand this, having some guilt on this score. Now that I can see myself more clearly, I see how much work I have ahead of me. If it was just me, I wouldn't feel such urgency. But, my DS9 has only one childhood and it's half over already.
What struck me was how your Mom was able to invalidate your feelings with 'don't want you to...' 'wish you didn't...' statements about your feelings. She's read up on cPTSD. Nice. Did she understand that even just ONE person helping the child can make the difference? Even having my heart-mother sister made a big difference for me. You had your brother, but only when his need wasn't greater in his mind.
Yes, your Mom did do the best that she could, sad to say. And, you are doing the best YOU can now. If she deserves latitude for her failings back then, don't you deserve some now, for the consequences of your childhood?
About your option of a place to go, you may want to make it clear that this is YOUR information to share or withhold as YOU see fit. While you did share it with her, that was not intended to be shared BY her with anyone else. If she is unable to restrain herself, please make it clear so you can decide how you want to cope with the likely consequences.
I'm so sorry that the conversation with your Mom has made you so sad and unsettled and even angry. You deserve those emotions. They are YOURS! You have a right to voice or not voice your emotions as you see fit. They are YOURS. You also have a right to feel your emotions without being chastised just for HAVING those emotions. They are YOURS.
I hope that, if she does want to talk tomorrow, you agree only if it's what you also want. But, that if you don't want to, you may feel granted permission to refuse another lunch discussion. I also hope that you don't always feel conversations like this with your Mom aren't always wasted time. :hug:
I was almost thinking I may have been too harsh yesterday. just almost. i remember she stood up and walked to me in a shocked kind of .. anger or urgency, when i brought up the thing my dad said when they were speculating that i might be gay 10 years ago. i couldn't tell if she was angry with me or had thought i meant that I said or felt that way (when it was my dad, i clarified). maybe more so that she was scared, and that's understandable and i don't fault her for that.
yesterday i had some thoughts on how i feel about "feeling loved" and it's very hard to say. listing all the things from this journal, and the things i didn't write about or remember, all those actions done onto me out of "love"? i tried to question her on that. a lot of "shouldn't have said that" and "maybe i'm just old school" etc etc.
we'll discuss more today. i'm planning on bringing up them reading my journals and i think her response to this will tell me much of what i need to confirm. the big issue is "treating me like i'm worthless" and she felt like she didn't ever. i hate to see them as a singular unit instead of mom and dad, but when dad's actions overshadow her it's kind of hard when she doesn't back me up or protect me. i can understand the fear behind the inaction but understanding is different than accepting or forgiving and in the end this is where we are.
im assuming for now that her response about the journals will be "but you wrote [this and that]" and try to make me the issue (and reason for them invading) rather than the true issue that they not only invaded my privacy, but the prided themselves on it when they found "bad stuff" or "incriminating stuff" (like talking about my friend who I had a crush on who was also a girl). that when i cried in front of them, feeling caught and exposed for something I couldn't understand, they didn't care. they didn't think my right to privacy mattered. didn't think my feelings mattered. so the response to that will be telling.
i've thought a lot on wht you said wife#2 and will keep them in mind as i alwys would. i've wondered if there really is anything more she can do to help. i wonder if i feel that way because i want to help her and be nice and accepting any help, though i feel that will bring me back into "i feel content at home" territory, when i'm trying to move out ideally before summer ends but realistically before 2018.
in some related but nicer news i want to write about, saturday was a great day for me. incredibly great. that's what ive been thinking about, how my friends feel like a good family. i got to see MG and Pansy's older sister and niece and we had a dinner at an italian restaurant and it really felt so nice. i felt so deliriously happy about it. we were all chatting. i didn't feel too awkward or quiet. the older sister, Lavender i'll say, is really funny and talked to me as if we'd met more than the 2 times we'd spoken. i really appreciated that! the whole dinner was really good, and then we went to her house and I got to see the cats again while MG tried to open the door from the other side while Lavender and Violet went shorts shopping.
i just had a good good time. we went for ice cream when they returned and that was also really nice. i felt a bit out of place because of some shows i never watched, but still nice. chatting in the car effortlessly. getting praised because the cats didn't bite me like they would other strangers.
so i really felt at peace and at home and dreaded coming home of course.
if i can be honest, i'll say my family would be better without my dad. he's hurt all of us, but when me and mom and bro come together, even if on bad terms, it still feels like a family. i used to feel so so bad for shouting and raising my voice at her because i don't want that for anyone. i feel like i'm dad and speaking to her like that. but even still, the 3 of us talk, and if dad hasn't come home from an errand yet, then we taper off into a quieter discussion.
i wonder if it'd be any different now that she's got hopefully some understanding of cptsd. if she were to talk to both of us, or let us talk to her together. that's a talk i'd want. i guess, i want us to be a team. stronger for each other. but that can't happen i don't think, while bro and i are still living here. i can't even say i was good back when his relationship with her was good.
but i just wish my dad didn't have any presence. a nice way to put it. mom could be stronger and focus on herself and her kids. but we're not kids anymore and i'm itching to go because it's too late for a lot of things. i dont want an apology because.. it won't work. like they say, the best apology is changed behavior. something i couldn't really even learn, to be honest.
well i am sorry to myself. little tea. i've worked on becoming stronger for her so i can make changes that weren't made for me. keep her safe and validate her feelings. feed her and care for her, like my signature says.
i'm wondering about a potential move-out boost. i feel bad to borrow money, but i need money to cushion moving out and essentially convince my parents of it. i feel naive, but maybe i can borrow some amount of money, move out, and give it back. that could be an option. i just need anything to help moving out easier, and if it's fake convincing my parents that i've been saving up for my future, then maybe that could help.
of course i could always go with plan A which is somehow getting kicked out for being gay, my gender (which i'll talk about in another entry), or for excessive talking back (aka standing up for myself). but i've thought about it and i wonder if it's even like narcissists to even WANT to kick anyone they've got a hold on out of their house. that'd probably be painful. to lose someone you've got a manipulative grip on. that's like freeing your prey. letting go the thing that gives you power and control.
back from lunch. more crying. talked to mom about how i've never been able to come to her or dad or both at once for emotional support. she talked for a bit about how she wishes things could be different so she can do it over. unhelpful, but i get it. told her to look into the symptoms of emotional abuse, physical abuse/corporal punishment, and emotional child neglect. i need her to see the reality i'm dealing with, and what i dealt with as a child. i wish i had the time, but i need to emphasize child.
i talked about the journals, the invasion, invalidating my feelings about it, punishing me for it. saying they'd put me in a detention center for it. didn't remember about how they took my journals away, but maybe tomorrow. talked about them strongly discouraging me from art. how they didn't care how that made me feel, and thus made me feel they didn't care about me.
overall what i'm getting from her is that she didn't realize their ways affected me the way it has. didn't realize their best efforts turned out to be their worst, as she said. she felt also the biggest thing was the way they focused on my academics, pushing me into journalism instead of art. i told her i didn't fault them for wanting me to have a back up, but that when they constantly made me feel bad about my art (calling it "junk," taking them down from my walls while im away at college) is the issue.
told her about the grocery store incident when i was coming into walking and talking age. the "don't let me catch you crying." and how that seemed to kickstart some things for me in terms of who i can and can't talk to and trust with my feelings.
she says she knows i'm hurting. still, i can't bring myself to actually "feel" it. im still dealing with detachment issues and trying to feel validation and such as genuine as i can feel in my heart. she also said she doesn't want to lose the relationship we have and become estranged.
i feel what will what will work for me is moving out and then becoming healthy and deciding how i feel. what i eventually want from them. i think on a level i'm willing to keep my relationship with my mom but only untouched by dad. and that i also don't want a relationship with him because he is incapable of growing, as far as i can see.
i also told her about how long i've continued to suffer, even when i had the opportunity to get away from it. i repeated December 2015 as many times as i could to emphasize how long i've been waiting. for anything. for change.
i briefly talked to her about identity loss. i can't and probably won't go further with that because it's an extremely complicated thing i'm dealing with and i'm currently rebuilding in what feels safe for me and it being in terms of gender most importantly is very crucial and important to me feeling whole and complete as a person. likely won't talk much about it on the forum in or out of the journal but i'm glad to say i've found what works and what makes me feel good and like ME.
i'm still not sure what i need or want out of these conversations. i can't visualize any of them changing. i daydream about being able to stand up to them. and tell them what i've been through and how i feel about it. that's what i'm doing now, with mom. but even more i daydream about already being moved out. being in the embrace of friends who loves me, a partner who loves me. all of whom care for me deeply and who i can healthily love and care for too.
what i really want is to have just myself on my mind. and myself to focus on bettering. i want to just get some time to be selfish because i missed that window. i spent much of my short life worrying about everyone. creating defense and coping mechanisms to deal with everyone else. how to make everyone else happy. but what big things am i doing to make myself happy? i know what i need to do.
:bighug:
and the cycle continues! have gained zero reasons to stay. not that it would have mattered. i made up my mind about moving ASAP/before the year ends.
growing more and more tired. at least i'm still keeping up the MaDD (maladaptive daydreaming, which i've now confirmed but have always kind of known since about a year ago) and continuing my hypothetical arguments where everyone finally shuts up and lets me talk.
some package issues yesterday. dad told bro to watch and listen out for it. by the time we came home, he said nothing had come and that he didn't hear anything. bro said dad walked away while he was talking, shaking his head (predictable) like bro is a fool. bit later, while i tried to stay in my room and remind myself i'm not involved in any of this, got called to bro's room while dad's downstairs, mom comes in too and he vents. very angry, his predictable anger that can escalate towards my dad.
mom of course is not being strong. wants him to calm down, makes sense. but is also NOT LISTENING! constantly turning her back and trying to walk out room, or messing with her nails or just overall avoiding eye contact. it's pissing me off because that's opposite what bro needs. how do i know that and i'm not even his mom (well...)
continue venting and talking. she keeps interrupting to calm him down, i tell her this is the exact thing i've been trying to talk to her about. showing no respect to your children. let us speak. we'll calm down later!
it's dragging on. i'm more angry with mom than dad even though he caused this and it looked and sounds like my bro's last straw. they talked about how it's not beneficial for him to explode on dad. of course. makes sense. after a while mom leaves, bro and i continue talking. at one point he turned to me and said "i truly believe mom does love us. because at least she makes the effort to come talk to us" after i said she's a bystander watching us get chewed out and emotionally destroyed by dad. i guess it's true, but love... is a confusing and painful concept for me to grasp right now after so much learning about trauma.
by the end of it, i was trying to talk about moving out subtly and how biding my time isn't going to work and that i'm not going to get better staying here... and that as an adult we have to take care of the baggage before we try to do all these new things that require us to have skills we definitely weren't taught. he seemed to cut me off there. "don't want to be talking like a self help group" and ended the conversation so it wouldn't drag on.
i started crying but his back was to me showing me the stuff he's worked on in a software. stopped crying pretty soon after. i feel defeated. none of what i'm saying is getting through to either of them CLEARLY and i'm trying not to force feed them and say my way is the best way, but suggest because it's worked for me.
mom wants to continue this on friday, i'll probably talk to her again during break. but they just don't get that you just get tired and when you get the opportunity to make your life better, you need to take it. no regrets about it because it isn't fair for me to continue sacrificing my mental health for 3 people that i apparently need to keep coddling like a mom. i assume i'll have to blatantly tell them "yes i'm moving out before the year ends" on friday if dad decides to continue lyfting.
im furious with both of them and they just don't get it, bro in particular. not understanding having to emotionally care for someone else. and he'll call himself saying he'd do this and that and the opposite of what dad does if he has kids. it's not that easy! it's extremely not that easy to just DO it. you have to learn how to from healthy example and hard work and he's done none of that and gotten none of that.
and then again, there's what he also said to me. "You gotta look out for yourself. And same for me." and I told him. well maybe I should just be mean and cold. And actually look out for myself, and to do that, I need to focus on myself and moving forward. He tried to reword himself but I already know what he meant. the same needing me to stay. he said again it doesn't benefit him to move out. what he doesn't realize or is afraid to realize or confront, is that it benefits ME to move out. he knows i have the option. and if he doesn't get it yesterday, he'll get it on friday.
that's the reality. he wants to talk about "no one gives a *" and that "you need to look out for yourself," but then refuse to let someone else use those words to their advantage. HAR HAR! that's not going to happen. whatever we decided to discuss on friday, I will let both of them have it. and they'll know.
they'll both freaking know that i'm not willing to sacrifice any longer. if mom wants any piece of advice to make things better, she needs to be stronger and be a better mom to bro because that's what he needs if his one source of emotional support needs to leave and focus on herself. that's what she can do for me.
they'll both realize that at some point, you gotta say... hey. i need to take care of myself. and hey. this surviving thing i've been doing for decades? i can't keep doing that. it's not good for me. maybe for right now. but soon I need to thrive. and move on and move forward. they'll get it. and if not they can just stay stuck in their positions while the one person with the guts to change is way off in the distance doing what she can to undo and rebuild herself.
Warrior Woman TEA! At last you matter to yourself at least 51% in these relationships. And it isn't cold or mean or selfish or any of those other crippling words that have been used against you. It's healthy, empowering, motivating and even a little scary.
When you put yourself first, even by just 1%, you remove the ability of others to be subtle in their attacks against you. Bro must acknowledge that if HE can put himself first in his life, so can YOU put YOURSELF first in your life. So, he can't assume you understand he only means himself. If you are just that little bit more important in your life, you won't accept that!
Dad is an unrelenting narc. Nothing will change this. Staying will not change him. You benefit nothing for staying. Instead, by staying you leave yourself open to more incidents like in the car. Even with your mental and emotional health improving, he can and will find ways to injure you. He cannot allow you to care 51% about yourself. Talking with him as if he could sounds like an invitation to more invalidation. Your ability to care 51% about yourself means that his manipulations to put you forever under his control don't work anymore. I don't think he's oblivious to the fact that you are pulling away, or that most adult children do that eventually. But, you upset HIS apple-cart if you do. So, this caring 51% about oneself is not allowed in those under his thumb!
Joke is on Dad - you stopped being under his thumb the minute you realized that you DESERVE to matter 51% in your own life. Just like him, Mom and Bro. That's why there have been so many conflicts lately! As smart as your Dad is, he can't figure out how to get you malleable again, so he can get you back under that * thumb!
Meanwhile, keep remembering that YOU DESERVE to have your own life. Mistakes will happen, things will get tight, there will be times when you will fail. THAT IS LIFE. Not going through those things stunts your growth! The thing is, and this is a big one you haven't had the freedom to experience yet: When you fail or make a mistake or run out of money before payday, you learn, you adapt and you feel real good about yourself for figuring it out! Even if you have to ask friends for help or advice. Because THAT is one of the biggest blessings of having friends - they'll be there when times get tough and help you laugh about them when things aren't so tough anymore.
TIRED. took another hour break again (will probably get docked/checked on). it feels like a blur. unsure if mom gets it.
told her I am the strongest in the house. not to brag. but so she understand that I GET IT, that I've suffered through a lot. And then some (and some and some and so on). and that I'm strong enough to change. and do better.
I told her, the one thing she can do to make me feel better about moving out, is protecting my brother. being stronger for him. being there for him. i said all this. that, there is something there between him and her. he has once told me, "Tea, I'm not gonna talk to you about any of my problems anymore." 2 years later, here we are. nothing changed there. but what he doesn't realize, i said, is that there is something there between us. I told her, I ask myself time after time. Why does he still come to me? Why does he still talk to me about his problems? And that she should ask herself that too. Even though he says her inaction is part of why he doesn't talk to her much anymore. But.. again. Is that so true?
I told her, it's because something's there. It's trust. A trust we have with him. A reassurance. He knows * well I am 100% the last person to invalidate him. To ignore him. To brush him off to the side. To reject him.
And he knows the same of mom too. In a way. She's done a lot of damage through "minor" actions/inactions like saying she'll come back to talk with him and never showing up. but he's still going to her or calling for her so he can vent.
i told her, the second person i felt was the strongest is HER. i won't talk to her about how she may have suffered at dad's hands, but strong in the sense that she is still here and willing to change. and listening to me yell about it. and I HATE yelling at her. but it has to be said and I seriously need her to understand the reality we live in. while i'm tired of always focusing on bro, i need her to do better for him. our relationship isn't broken, and me moving out doesn't mean i'm abandoning anybody. But if they can be closer and a stronger team against dad (even if in secret) then that will help me get past the G in FOG easily. I want to shirk off my mom coat and get my life rebuilt.
she cried. i felt bad, i never want to make her cry, genuinely. i could tell it was hard for her to keep eye contact, even when i commented how i hate when she doesn't look. i let it go after a while. i can understand "it's a hard pill to swallow" as she said, to hear all this. in just 4 lunch breaks. i told her. i know it's a lot. i wanted to tell her i can support her, of course. i didn't but in the future my actions will be there if needed. told her, she has this small thing. even though bro is furious with her. she has this small thing with him, small connection that keeps him returning to her. as a mom, she needs to be aware of that, and vehemently protect that. and make it stronger. so that he clearly knows that even tho Tea has left, there's still one person i got. one "level 5 adult" as I call it, that has his back. we, bro and i, are level 1 adults barely any mundane/or not experience and don't just leave and get to level 2 like that. we need support. and i need her to take the reins and give him support.
i just. i love hearing when they chat about whatever while i'm up in my room. how easy it is. how the three of us joked. i remember talking about this in another entry i think.
i'm too tired (or memory failing?) to recount the rest of our conversation. i'm hoping for the best because i do love them both. i want them to try harder. i need them to learn that it's all unacceptable. and that the three of us deserve better, and should fight for something better. no matter how long it takes. i understand and don't fault my brother for not feeling like moving out would help him. but there's plenty things to work on to add to a desolate toolbox. from my perspective he is ill-equipped to take on the world as is. even if he had all the money in the world (though that'd open up access to therapy).
thinking about all this, having a slowly building hope for my mom's new action, along with your extremely uplifiting comment has me excited to move out. when i go home i'm going to start organizing some stuff to take with me when i go. i may pack some small things for emergency or at least to take the next time i see my friends. I'm going to look through some articles and blog posts and make a list here of what i need to take.
family is just bad. bro doesn't understand. dad will never understand, mom proved yesterday she doesn't really care to understand.
the fact i can actually be sitting here writing says something.
yesterday im playing a game and mom came to talk. basically threw all the stuff i said to her right out the window.
"You can't live your life with that kind of anger." yeah NSS! that's why i want to move out!
"maybe we need to go to church." uhh no. nice try tho, sure let's just avoid putting in the hard work to change our unhealthy behavior!
"what if Pansy gets a boyfriend and wants to move out?" thanks for trying to shatter my already shaky assurance about the move out offer not being too good to be true. thank you for that. thank you so * much for being so horrible enough to say that when i have such trust issues and an extremely * difficult time believing i deserve something good. even when i TOLD you have those issues.
"maybe we need to pray on it." lets exclude everything from adulthood. you telling me little tea from childhood deserved all the emotional abuse, physical abuse, and emotional neglect because there was no praying for it to end? if praying it to change no religious child would ever continue to be abused if they are.
"maybe you need to tell dad how you really feel." my response: that didn't work. he doesnt care.
"maybe you need to tell him again?" seriously none of what i said stuck huh?
faith lost. i don't know if it's because she talked to bro on friday or if dad said to her something other than apparently feeling like i've been distant with him lately (huh, again NSS!! almost killed me in the car couple weeks ago, AND yelled at me when i was scared and crying. seems like grounds for distance for me, no?)
this family is just absolute garbage. im so angry she even told me i can't move out now. i'm back at square one trying to figure out how to get past guilt because i feel it bubbling up again. this trash family has me locked in for the worst selfish reasons and can't see and DOESN'T CARE that it's hurting me so * deeply. now it feels like i need to start calling it "running away." i can't even believe her. everyone else's feelings once again more important than mine. and AGAIN. somehow i'm supposed to just deal with it? deal with bad treatment? they are so lucky to have me but they still treat me all sorts of awful.
Kept to myself yesterday playing a zelda game. during all meals i tried to talk to my brother just to have some conversation to joke around but somehow he wasn't interested. that's annoying. just the other day and many many times before he's talked about how dad doesn't respond to him (at all or like a normal person) and how he always just is quiet looking down at his food. so i figured, well maybe instead of focusing on who won't talk to him, lets focus on who will. that didn't work. i showed exasperation, because trying to do something with someone who won't budge is annoying and he should know that, but he seemed very clueless. if i stayed quiet the whole meal he would have come chastise me.
still don't know what i'm going to do about moving out. mom's words pushed me back a couple steps. "can't move out right now." how dare she. nothing that i said stuck. must have gotten swayed in favor of brother or dad and that tells me a lot. my family just has a very disturbing way of life. if someone wanted to leave and not come back, but you wanted them to stay, chances are, if you're "normal" you'd fnd ways to make their living situation better. change your ways if you happen to be the problem.
apparently to everyone i just don't have the right to make my life happy on my own terms. i don't feel very confident. about being able to do that. i need to reignite my agitation because if i stay like this low-confidence moment, it's going to drag on to the end of the year and i'll have made no tangible progress. i just feel very very low and hopeless now.
mom isn't going to do anything. she's going to go back and favor dad and not actually be better for brother and so continues my mom-little-sister job.
i'm here facing some facts.
Need to move out, before December
Need to get money to move out, even though i won't be paying rent
I think i'm not realizing that even though i won't be paying rent for a while i still need cash to cover personal expenses. i have $80 ive taken out discreetly and put into a bag. i'm crunching. considering opening for commissions on my art blog so that could be a possibility for income while i'm waiting to move.
dont' know what to do with mom. i saw her pained expression yesterday or at least what looked like one when we were leaving work. earlier before we left she told me she felt like she lost a connection with her daughter. i dont know wht to do as i haven't been keeping up smiles with her. i have with my brother who seemed to suck me back into it.
i just wish y dad wasnt in the picture to hurt us. then we could be closer and stronger together without someone else undoing anything or overshadowing.
i guess i am biding my time. i'm going to see MG and pansy tomorrow so we'll see.
I'm so sorry that this drama dance continues and that you're struggling so with it.
Yes, you do need relief from the anger, the stress and the invalidation.
I don't think your Mom is evil or clueless. I think she may just be struggling to 'hold the family together'. She may not see that in her attempts, she's hurting you. You are old enough. You are capable. Yes, there may be struggle, but which struggle is worse? Being at home where your thoughts are criticized or being in the world where your struggles are to learn how to navigate the world and get to feel accomplished when making it through one more day is it's own reward?
As to the prayer, well, my mind went back to a scene in Forrest Gump where Jenny, tired of her father's abuse, kneels and prays in the cornfield - Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. Yeah, that didn't work either.
God is great, I do believe in God, but to use Him in His Holiness as a tool to keep you in the house, well, nope. That's another bird that won't fly. If she wants to pray for an awakening, let it be for your father to finally see the damage he's caused and to have true repentance. Let your father be awakened to the reality that both of his adult children are emotionally crippled by his hand/word. Let your father be awakened to the fact that every utterance out of his mouth is driving his daughter farther and farther away. Let those be your mother's prayers.
It so bothers me to hear that religion is such a big factor to your mother. Because, that's probably at the root of why she tolerates your father. If she's got it in her head that she's being a good wife by not divorcing or challenging him, well, nothing you say will affect her in the slightest. She's got her Holy Goggles and Holy Earmuffs on and anything that makes it more difficult to stay your father's wife will not penetrate.
Wow, that makes so much sense, now. She needs you and your brother to perform as happy children so she can keep her illusion of a good, Godly family alive. She's able to tell herself that you both still live at home because she and your father were such great parents that you don't want to leave. Therefore, when you DO want to leave, you crush that image. Telling her that her and your father's actions (or inactions) hurt her is a blow to everything she's told herself about who she is and who you are. That you aren't just a little photo smiling back at her, that you are a real person with a real purpose in this world and it isn't to make her and your Dad look good.
This, when looked at from outside, makes a lot of sense. I have no idea if this helps you or makes things more confusing. Still, if this is true, and it feels true when you read it, this is one approach that can actually be heard by her. Every human has a purpose, a God-given purpose. As a person of faith, I believe this, she probably does as well. Her purpose is to be the good wife and good mother. Your purpose is to be Tea. To have your own testimony. You cannot build your own testimony until you live your own life. God cannot work in your life until you are an independent person. As long as you continue to remain under their roof, you are reaping THEIR testimony (whatever they choose to tell themselves that is). But, God can't work in your life until you are actually living it. THEN will your prayer have power. THEN, God's will for your life can be revealed.
I'm not suggesting that you mock or manipulate your parents with this. As I said, I do believe in God. I know He will not be mocked. Still, what I just wrote felt completely given to me by the Holy Spirit. I'm not that smart, nor am I that insightful, really. Not without His help. I do honestly believe everything I wrote. That you cannot find your purpose, live in God's will or discover your testimony until you are out from your parent's home.
Also, forgiveness can't even be discussed until you are free from repetition of the behavior you are trying to forgive. Not that you can, will or even should forgive them. That will be your personal decision as you live your personal life. And, forgiveness doesn't mean putting yourself back under their thumb ever again.
:bighug: It just bothered me that your mother would even consider throwing religiosity at you as a means of holding you in the home. Sorry, Mom. Not cool. Tea's world is bigger than what you tell her it should be. And, for that, I'm grateful!
Wife#2 I also agree that she isn't evil at all! i do know she knows and I feel we experience a similar struggle of trying to keep things together despite them inevitably falling apart. I think and feel someday soon she'll realize there really isn't much to be done except hope that me and bro are able to live fulfilling lives despite and in spite of our traumatic backgrounds.
your perspective makes a lot of sense to me. it is very much an environment where it's very difficult to think for myself but also do work for myself. clearly shown that i'm still living at home first of all. any of that is considered "rebelling" and of course rebelling will shatter the picture perfect scene. it's not hard to see that our behavior is very much caused by them, but it's easy to ignore that in favor of feeling like you've done the best you could, even though clearly more could have been done.
I don't have much faith in my dad for any awakening as he's seen the mirror many times in the last 10 years to see himself for what he really is. but I guess his self made image reflected back, ensuring that he's never been in the wrong.
in some good news, I am feeling closer to moving. MG and Pansy did the reassuring trick they're good at and Pansy told me about when she was determined to move out of her father's place. though for her, it turned out to be in less than a year instead of the planned year and a half.
but school is definitely a priority. would like to work some kind of part time while I'm finishing up, as I don't want to spend forever finishing school taking one class a semester.
so I will bring that up to my parents. hopefully soon. will emphasize not wanting to stay in a dorm when I can just commute from a rent free apartment until I've gotten steady income. thy've also shown me some pictures of furniture they're planning to get for my room which is exciting. seeing it feels very real! I talked to my coworker last week and that also got me excited too, about moving forward and getting what I want in this life.
need to keep focusing on myself! my goals and needs. I keep visioning (let's just call it what it is, maladaptive daydreaming!) myself getting hit by dad. slapped or pushed roughly. and that being it. the last straw. me telling him, "you've lost. you lost the game." that he's lost me. I don't know why, maybe I want that to happen, I don't particularly because I can't say I'd really have the guts to walk out right then and there.
I feel a little too weak to just say "I need to move out and get on with my life." not with $6 in the bank. not without a car. it really sucks that I need proof of independence before saying that. and that I'm no where close to being independent. having to rely on my friends, i feel a slight hurt to my pride but moreso regarding my parents who will see I'm not ready. emotionally, I think I am. mentally too. it's scary but I'd rather rush in with shoulders available to lean on, rather than stay back, timid and biding my time for the unknown that becomes scarier and scarier.
I think that's why I want a last straw situation. but I can't count on that. but i just wish i got things in motion last year. maybe this year i'd at least have money saved. and at least know how to drive. if i'd started the self recovery process a year earlier.
it can't be helped. but i'm growing impatient. can i really wait a whole year before moving? can i deal with that? can i deal with any more pain? I definitely dont' want to. and I don't want to see whether or not I'm capable of withstanding it either.
woke up this morning, straight into a ma-daydream of again giving brother piece of mind. and mom. after my dad went back to work yesterday, bro said he avoided eye contact as usual when coming in. so that set him off and i hadn't been home for 20 minutes even. me bro and mom were in the kitchen as he vented at us. by the end of it, some drastic things had been said and i felt very fearful of moving out. mom's worried, so am i.
but i'm very tired. this morning i just felt a growing anger. at everyone. even bro. it wasn't fair what he said. it's the second time he's said it and the first was many years ago around my early college years. it was like he made his life my responsibility. that's not fair. i was barely an adult. and yesterday, again. but mom heard it too. the things she said, any mom would say, but i know they were futile. in the end he said it's because he's bored. he doesn't do anything. i know it's hard for him.
i'm not going to go there this time. it's my self focused recovery. and i feel cold to say it, but those words made me want to leave even more. i'm going to go insane. like i felt a year ago. like every single day of every single week i felt so unstable, like i'm so high functioning but still spiraling out of control until i explode and make things worse.
i have to leave. soon. very soon. i have. no money. i'm getting paid friday. don't know if i'll be giving that up next week, but it's certain i'll be left with about $100 after help and groceries.
i just have to go. those things bro said. it was guilt. and mom felt it. and i felt it. but i'm not responsible for his life. i can't be full blame for his trauma. i brought up moving and he heard it. "So you're gonna move?" in a condescending sort of tone. i told him why should i give a *, when nobody else does. when nobody else wants to change? when there's people here in this house that treat me like trash, why should i put up with it? when i finally have the opportunity to just get out of it. i know the answer already.
but my anger is growing again. my exhaustion is getting to me. inch by inch i'm moving past "but nothing bad's happening right now" and "mom and dad clearly aren't on bad terms with me." because there's only one reason i ever needed to move. the abuse. that's it. if i needed a second reason, it's that no one's willing to change their behavior. mom has proven it, as an enabling parent. dad has proven it, as a narcissistic emotionally and formerly physically abusive parent. and bro has proven it, as the victimized child that victimizes his younger sibling (adding on to the pile of damage my parents have done onto me).
that last statement is crucial. i won't pretend i did a bad job at being a better mom-sister years ago when dad was constantly hurting him. but the results still show that i was there. and the results show the opposite was never true.
i think moving out is now going to be considered an escape. i'm moving the date up from "before the year ends" to by the end of july, mid august at the latest.
i can leave while my dad's doing the lyft job on a day i've come home from work. or any of my off days even. i just can't last another year year. it's urgent. extremely. i feel like a bad little child because i can feel my impulse to text my friends. if i text them theres no going back. i don't think i'd even let myself go back on it. just out of habit and continued impulse until what's done is done.
i'm scared of not having money, of not having a degree. i'm scared that i will become a rescue animal and that my friends will walk on annoying eggshells to make me feel safe in a new place. i'm scared they'll get tired of it or confront me. i just don't know what else to do. nothing good or beneficial is coming out of staying here. i had the thought just now of my brother telling me the benefit, and it having to do with him, his life. i can't think about that. it's not fair. i'm not a bad person for leaving at all! i feel like i'm going to be sick.
:bighug: It's normal to feel a little sick when deciding on making a major change in one's life. Really. That is normal.
It's not my place to say stay or go. I do believe strongly that your recovery will be easier and faster paced when you are out from the situation that caused your cPTSD in the first place.
I also think, and this is JUST my opinion, that developing skills at calming yourself, soothing yourself, will help to make the time still at your parent's house, the move, the job, school and the adjustment to being out from your parents' home less stressful.
My method lately is to 'pet' my forearms. It's how I calm myself down and regulate my heartbeat so I'm not scared, angry or reactive. It's good because I can't accidentally leave my arms at home! They're there no matter where 'there' is. A few rubs and I'm able to answer upsetting questions, do things I don't want to do (but should, like dishes) or am feeling overwhelmed again. It's helping. I hope you can find some way that you can use no matter where you are. :bighug:
haha Wife#2 turns out, 20 minutes after I wrote that entry yesterday, I texted MG and Pansy that I wanted to push up the move out date to by the end of July or mid August at the latest! so! there's that! my sickness passed right after, and I think I became more "oh... what did i just do??" but also "oh boy... oh boy I did it!! i finally did it! no going back now!! :excited:"
you are absolutely right about recovering easier when I am out of the house! my mom agrees too. I talked to her yesterday until I got a big headache and she agrees. I am still sad for her. I'm not a mom, but I still relate to Mom Sadness when her children are not doing well and want to leave (I think I mentioned once that each time my brother went away to college from 2008 to 2011, I cried like a mom watching her son leave into a harsh world, hoping he will be successful). I don't know how to shake that, but I guess as long as she agrees I need to move out, that can keep me going.
I actually do a similar self-soothing technique. I rub my left hand (it's my nondominant hand so I consider it Little Tea's hand) and I also place my left hand on my heart, and pat it with my right hand. usually when i'm in a fit of anger or feeling intrusive invalidating thoughts coming.
yesterday's talk was long. from just before 5pm until 6:45. well. it felt very long. i talked a lot. I was secretly hoping my brother could hear in his room. I won't be talking to him about moving until after he takes his test on Friday.
I will have to stand my ground. big time with him. there may be some abandonment/attachment/codependent issues that will come up with him. but I have to just say,
"I have to take care of myself. I have to look out for myself. I have to put myself first for once, and now that I have the opportunity to do it, I need to take it. And I deserve to be able to do that."
He may not realize since we are quite frankly two peas in a pod, but we are quite different. I need to tell him, "Unlike you, I cannot sit and bide my time and expect something good to come of it. You always say every single year since we moved here, there's always something that happens. It's an endless cycle because no one was ever wiling to change. But guess what? I'm tired of playing the game. I'm not interested in continuing the cycle. There's no benefit to doing it anymore. I'm interested in breaking away from the cycle."
I want to tell him, "When you get the chance to move out, the access to move out, take it as soon as you can. I have waited for a year and a half. I had the opportunity a year and a half, and I didn't take it because I didn't think I was worth it. I didn't think I had any value. but you have to take it because it's hard to 'just move out.' It might not seem like it now, but it's tough when the chance is in front of you."
I'm afraid of how he'll react, probably condescending words to try and suck me back in. to make me doubt myself and my abilities and my trust in my friends. They texted me a photo of the room with a caption "We are here for you! And so is your room!" along with a photo of the bed they ordered. those things will keep me reassured.
and then there's my dad. I have to either stand up to him, or just escape when he's at work. the latter seems irresponsible, as if to shirk the responsibility of telling him to my brother and mom. he will try to be condescending too. I have no money except for the little cash I took out twice when I went grocery shopping. no degree or full time job.
I only just thought of it, but I can imagine him trying to force me to stay. saying I can't leave or doing or taking something that will prevent me from leaving. the week after my bro graduated, there was a fight and he'd gone and started packing bro's clothes as if to kick him out, even though HE was the one who started the fight, ripping bro's shirt while bro just tried to push him off.
what would I even say to him? "I need to leave and live a better life"? that would imply he's done something I deem WRONG because he WILL assume that. My first option was to wait for bro to finish the test and get a job after and wait till my parents call me to do school stuff again. but that could take a while.
no clue how to approach him. it's going to end up bad because I'm thinking for MYself and trying to make moves to progress MY life. ugghhh that's so frustrating! i dont know what to do. maybe after I get more concrete plan of how moving out will go, I can figure it out.
Quote from: tea-the-artist on June 28, 2017, 02:50:12 PM
20 minutes after I wrote that entry yesterday, I texted MG and Pansy that I wanted to push up the move out date to by the end of July or mid August at the latest! so! there's that! my sickness passed right after, and I think I became more "oh... what did i just do??" but also "oh boy... oh boy I did it!! i finally did it! no going back now!! :excited:"
Good for you, tea! :party: :fireworks: :yourock:
As for your questions on what to do with F and B, it might help to read over at Out of the Fog, our sister website http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
or http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
I don't know if you've read over there before. For personality-disordered persons, think "abusers and enablers". It can be a bit triggering for us CPTSDers to read over there and especially post and get answers, which is one reason why we have our own forum. But there is a lot of useful information over there and many more members and posters.
"I have to take care of myself. I have to look out for myself. I have to put myself first for once, and now that I have the opportunity to do it, I need to take it. And I deserve to be able to do that." - Absolutely! I've found it most useful to say this sort of thing to myself and to others who will validate it (like us on here) until I believe it and no FOO can knock the ground out from under my feet or reel me in again.
Good luck to you, keep taking your baby steps, that's what keeps us going the right way for us. :bighug:
Yes, you can figure this out.
May I suggest that, rather than think in terms of cowardice if you move out while your Dad is at work, you give yourself the term that fits and is uplifting. You are using discretion. Confrontation is likely to result in further abuse or at the minimum manipulation. Writing a well-though-out letter that you DO give to him is one way to ensure that you follow through with the move and are not interrupted while you establish your well-founded reasons.
You don't have to place your life as a sacrifice on the alter of family just to prove you love them. If everyone was sacrificing in similar ways, you may not have suffered abuse, but that isn't the case. Therefore, it is abusive for one (or two) to be asked to make that sacrifice and the others to enjoy the benefits of your sacrifice.
Family help each other because of the love they share and their desire to see other family members flourish. It's hard to know this when the family you came from didn't operate that way. Because of that truth, it's ok to question the motives behind what your family of origin want. And, it's ok to say no when doing as they ask requires more of you than you are capable of giving.
Thanks so much for the links blueberry! I haven't been over at the sister site before but I will be looking into that more into that! In my mind since I joined I've been thinking a lot about FOG and now notice the difference i feel with each.
and that makes sense Wife#2. that's some good stuff to think about.
Quote from: Wife#2 on June 28, 2017, 05:47:15 PM
Family help each other because of the love they share and their desire to see other family members flourish. It's hard to know this when the family you came from didn't operate that way. Because of that truth, it's ok to question the motives behind what your family of origin want. And, it's ok to say no when doing as they ask requires more of you than you are capable of giving.
this really means a lot, and I'm going to remember this! sometime last year around this time I was getting very burned out with my brother's constant venting. i didn't hate or resent him for it and I still do not, but I was just getting worse for wear on top of then being expected to further be there for him when I had no where to place all the negative energy.
it's so important to remember this. I don't even think I thought too much on "what FOO is asking for is more than I am capable of giving." because it really is. and just the other day when I talked to mom, I said how could I be expected to be so outspoken as dad says he wants, but then he crushes me down when I try to defend myself and speak up. the confusion is unnecessary and almost the same goes with bro. he wants a lot from me, but as an older sister. but wants me to stay down and stay small like the little sister he feels he has.
maybe my one last thing is to just be the older sister that I'm not, and move forward. i won't focus on being his role model but if it can inspire something, then good!
but again, more importantly i'm doing this for myself. i've had enough of the cycle. no more games. no more nonsense.
oh and a small bit of GOOD NEWS! my new bed arrived today at the apartment! pansy sent me a video of MG opening it and I just couldn't stop smiling! my friends are so good and I'm honored and blessed to know them!
I'm keeping my spirits up as best as I can! pansy has been keeping me in the loop about things she's buying.. she feels like my sister mom. it's kept me motivated! my brother has been studying for his test tomorrow and hopefully he passes! he's been silent to me despite some of my attempts to Happy Sister things.. again, feeling foolish for trying. I know he's in a bad place BUT!!! but. I am staying self focused. we are both adults. and we can both get through this, one at a time if it has to be that way.
I'm telling myself one more month. one more month! no bull. they wanted to treat me like trash, well. I say I'll move out. And I will. no going back on that.
earlier I had a daydream of speaking to bro again, confronted me on moving out. "You all really thought I was joking huh? You really thought I would be treated like trash and not take the opportunity to leave? think again!"
I was smiling. smirking in a way. almost the way an antagonist would, when they've caught the protagonist in something hypocritical they've done. maybe it has to do with me telling my mom my new years resolution was to "become evil."
but evil.. it's not evil. but in their eyes it would be, because they'd all have negative reactions. how dare I? oh? how dare I take the malicious words and actions said and done on to me and take action based on that? how dare I? oh? sacrifice my life? my IDENTITY?! that I have to rebuild or create again from thin air? how dare I move away from this foolishness? this abuse this craziness? how dare I?
leaving on no money should be a red flag! but regardless. just one more month. for once, I will not be stopped! I won't be swayed by fear, obligation nor guilt! that fire I set on myself, has been gradually dying down. and soon it'll will be doused with sand of self compassion and self love and self care.
and emerging from it will be me, damaged and broken and hurt, but with eyes shining with rightful and guiltless anger, a fearless determination to protect myself. me, who has shirked off the cloak of child-motherhood because I am the only person I will ever take care of until I say otherwise.
I'm not responsible for dad. no action of mine or anyone else is an excuse for the abuse he dealt onto me.
I'm not responsible for mom. she could have gone her life without invalidating the abuse and attempted to protect me from abuse, but I will not feel sorry that she was incapable when it was my life at stake.
I'm not responsible for my brother. I did not deserve to be victimized and invalidated because of his own received abuse, and I am not his mother who is capable of sacrificing herself to keep him warm and ok. I know now, after 16 years, that I have been incapable of doing so and I will no longer feel guilty of being unable to do something I should have never had to learn how to do in the first place.
I'm going to walk out. run away. escape. whatever i'll call it. "It's not fair" will turn into "No more."
:bighug: You beautiful, strong soul! I'm so glad you are seeing yourself for all of the great worth that I, MG and Pansy see in you.
You know I'd still love my little sister Tea (because I'm nearly 50, I can say that LOL), even if you chose to stay at home for the rest of your life. No matter what you decide is best for Tea, that is what I support. Because I support YOU, the woman we call Tea.
Reading your posts lately, seeing how you are taking charge of your own life and future, has brought me great joy. Not because it's been difficult, though I can see that it has. But, because it is Tea emerging. The woman. Who is learning her own self-worth. Amen and Hurray!!!
Tea, there is so much strength reverberating in your post! So much decisiveness. :cheer: :cheer: Yay for you!
the other day an online friend told me i'm running on spite when I talked about how i'm functioning on anger. keeping sight on the prize of moving out and the things i need to do to get there. that really lit a fire in me.
it almost died this morning. F and i haven't been talking since he's been working most of the day and of course I'm not interested in making moves to seek him out to chat. but on the way to work, he talked about bills and my brother needing a job and me going back to school hopefully after that, blah blah blah.
through all that, i started doubting. like somehow I wasn't making the practical Good Daughter decision that required me to wait on everyone to get their situations right before I can make my own.
i know that's not how it works. but i think it's the fawn-freeze response that got me panicked. doubting myself that I could do this. that there was no reason to be moving when I have no money. however..
Quote
Elucidation of this dynamic to clients is a necessary but not sufficient step in recovery. There are many codependents who understand their penchant for forfeiting themselves, but who seem to precipitously forget everything they know when differentiation is appropriate in their relationships. To break free of their subservience, they must turn their cognitive insights into a willingness to stay present to the fear that triggers the self-abdication of the fawn response, and in the face of that fear try on and practice an expanding repertoire of more functional responses to fear.
When the client remembers and feels how overpowered he was as a child, he can begin to realize that although he was truly too small and powerless to assert himself in the past, he is now in a much different, more potentially powerful situation. And while he might still momentarily feel small and helpless when he is in a flashback, he can learn to remind himself that he is in an adult body and that he now has an adult status that offers him many more resources to champion himself and to effectively protest unfair and exploitative behavior.
This is how it goes. how it's been going, and I can see each of those things in myself in the last nine months, going through the motions. back and forth between knowing I deserve better and feeling thrust back into childhood fears and powerlessness.
But when I was a child, I didn't have people like MG and Pansy. Or any of my friends and guidance here. cheering me on, helping me maintain self-protection. I have that now, I know that. There's a lot to be afraid of, I understand that, but a lot to look forward to. Standing up for myself is key.
If no one is willing to change, then I will be the one to step forward and do it. I've said that. I still believe that. It's not about making others sad and hurt or angry with my actions, but rather making my life better by taking it into my own hands. Relying on myself and my support to make things better.
I've taken so many baby steps to this grandiose step in my recovery. a big step for me. I got panicked into feeling powerless but that can't last for too long. I got so scared but im recovering now.
I just need to hold out for a bit. August 12 is the plan, but I plan on telling my bro sometime this week and F next week? Pansy suggested it, and if it turns out I need to leave the day I give the news, then she will be parked across the street waiting for a text to pick me up, and that then I can tell myself "At least I tried." even in a fake asking them for support. at least I'll try for it.
This is all non-negotiable anyway! so. if F says no, then... I suppose I won't see him when he gets home from work the next day!
But some calming thoughts. Happy things. Last week since the 1st was the first time I've ever seen my friends so many times in one week outside of school. The first I celebrated MG's 23rd birthday with a marigold themed present. and then last Thursday they dropped off my gloves but we decided to hang out longer up until almost 11pm! that was nice! just being out until whenever. it felt like I was taking small parts of my life back. I could stay out a bit late, even on short notice, and i DID! and then we went to a small housewarming sort of party for a friend on Saturday.
it was all so good. This last week was just great in all sorts of ways, just focusing on myself... and my new bed is all set up and they sent some pics of it made! That's also been keeping me motivated. Keeping my heart beating that excited beat!
For once, I don't feel guilty about having fun even when some others aren't. Normally I would be too tired to hang out for a second time, let alone a third, but I put all that guilt behind me! I can have fun and enjoy my life as I please without putting myself down for it or telling myself I don't deserve it! I've past that sister-mom guilt now!
just need to spread the news and... welp. How those two days goes will tell me everything I need to know!
yesterday when i came home from work I felt suddenly really unsafe. emotionally. i quickly got into a maladaptive daydream unfortunately :'( it lead me to thinking about how no one protected me when I was a child. that no one was there for me, and it got me to crying for a few seconds just staring out the window and at my plants.
it's not a new feeling, but still almost felt out of nowhere. i've been running on spite for the last few weeks that I may have been shoving some things down. its confusing, especially not having a therapist to guide me through this, to tell whether it's me suppressing and emotions trying to come back up yesterday, or something else.
my feelings lately have very much been that almost stereotypical "getting away from abuse/bad situation" and acting like everything's good now and not doing any work to address the past problems.
but I was feeling a lot of "negative" energy yesterday and boiled it down to just being angry that two important men in my life have hurt me constantly and have failed me and expect me to be OK with that.
still haven't been talking with bro other than a few words a day. I may be telling him i'm moving sometime this week or next week. through MDD-ing i've been working on how and what i'll say. Pansy suggested I just say that I'm 24 and it's time for me to move out and move on. I won't do any of the JADEs but I will likely bring up his statements "No one gives a *" and "You just have to go out and get what you want" and use that to my advantage and keep him aware that asking for the opposite is hypocritical of him. and manipulative but I'm trying to stay away from pointing blame at him.
i also talked to mom during lunch break. told her I moved up the move out date to next month... she seemed shocked thinking I still wanted it to be "before december" but I said nope. I showed her a photo of my made bed Pansy sent me and she seemed to like it but turned away quickly. I think she was just being a mom and sad to see her youngest leaving (especially on these terms). and I get it. but I'm focused on myself now and knowing that the sort of motherly sadness-happiness parents might have when their kids move out isnt.. it's not a reason to stay. I think years ago if I had the opportunity to move out, I still wouldn't. back then, before I understood all this, I would think more about my mom having that partial sadness and just stay.
anyway. I feel a bit somber after writing that even though the day started pretty good.
I'm still trying to figure out how to pack. I want to start packing soon, hopefully right after I tell my brother the news but i'm dreading that. but still looking at the photos my friends sent me to keep motivated and keep myself excited about the future!
within a month, I'm going to be living away from this place. I'm gonna be just.. existing as I am. whoever that is, whoever I decide that is.
You are so amazing and worthy of joy. Yes, Mom is feeling the bitter-sweet that is watching a child blossom into an adult and to realize the young adult must, at some point, become his or her own person. It is bitter-sweet. There is often a desire to find the flaws in the new adult's plans just to keep that young person close, dependent. Not in a crippling way, but just because the transition to mother/father from a distance is hard.
Now, when I visit my adult daughter and her family, I am so proud of her and what she and her husband have made of their home. It isn't what I would chose, but it's not my life. My opinion no longer matters in that sense. Sure, my daughter and I can talk and discuss opinions and preferences. But, now, she's voicing HER OWN without opposition. If I agree, we laugh about how much we agree. If I disagree, we disagree and laugh about how different we view subject A or B. Because she is now a fellow adult. She will always be my child, but she is no longer a child.
This metamorphosis is something I hope for you and your mother. Adult daughters and their mothers CAN and OFTEN DO become friends once not in the same house. I think your mother would be a fine friend, once she gets used to the idea that you're not her compliant little girl anymore. You're a smart, independent, talented woman making your way in this world. She'll adjust over time. Then, watch the eyes for all that pride she feels towards you. Accept there may also be tears. That really is a Mom thing. BIG HUGS to you!
Wife#2 I really appreciate your perspective, especially as a mom! that makes me feel loads better and something I can keep in mind (I think being "just barely an adult" I and others my age don't realize this? and that her feelings aren't malicious at all, and I know that). even more especially as I'm coming down from my own forced-mom role, and remembering that I am indeed her child and that gives me a sense of comfort, that I am not responsible in the way I previously thought. it's giving me a bit of "normal" feelings. she is my mom. my MOM!
that makes me think about feeling like my relationships with my family have always felt so strange and often detached but this today, is a good feeling. i'm her daughter and not some random adult living with them.
There's a lot to say and I really just had it in my head that I'd come back to this forum already moved out and into my friends' place and working day by day on self care and getting new work, etc etc. no.
last night i woke up from a stalker dream and suddenly went into a maladaptive daydream where i was in therapy talking about what happened my last year of high school and just breaking down in tears at 5am because it felt really real. being in therapy and remembering 6 years ago. how i felt ashamed of myself and humiliated doing things for a guy i didn't really have romantic interest in but it just happened and i struggled to not downplay it even though sex hadn't happened. i kept feeling nasty as this daydream was going on and it wasn't like all my hard work was gone, but that i suddenly had new things to work on.
i don't even know where to begin with it. what to even look up. because it's not a common case i don't think. my friend Peach could sympathize when we talked months ago about struggling with being gay and doing things to make it stop like "being with guys" when we really didn't want to. i thought about the things my dad had said to me when i was 14 and they were suspecting that i wasn't straight. i thought about that and linked it to what happened with that guy and what I did and why I did it. why i didn't say no to any of it, why i went along even though i know that I knew in my heart it wasn't right, that it didn't feel good. it wasn't a two sided experience.
i know past trauma shaped my decisions regarding that. i feel sad for my teenage self thinking that was something I had to do. In order to become a better and mature woman. i just don't know what to call it. i don't know if it's sexual abuse. there was emotional manipulation in the last half of the relationship, some threats to self harm that i wasn't equipped to deal with and getting broken up with when i couldn't do anything made me feel incredibly incompetent as a "young woman" and as a "girlfriend" and that it and all other actions were my fault. i don't even know if i've come to terms with the fact that none of it was my fault.
whatever it is, it's some kind of sexual trauma. a few years after that i realized i was having occasional bouts of sexual repulsion and wanting nothing to do with it or hear about it or see it on TV or movies. i would kind of flinch and turn away. but then there's times when i'm ok and it's not bothering me. i guess i'm glad to not have had any physical partners since him.
how do i even begin to unpack this? i have no clue. it's so different than what's typical.
last week i had an intense freakout/panic/frustration with my habit of maladaptive daydreaming. i went into one for 2 hours and didn't realize until i had started crying because recounting family trauma was feeling so real to me that the daydreamed feelings were turning to reality. that was frustrating. two hours lost while i was in the middle of a task. i can't even control it. i wouldn't know how. i still space out and am looking far away for moments before realizing... and then moments before i'm able to get myself moving again. i really freaking need a therapist who's able to tell me what all this is and ways i can stop doing it "voluntarily involuntarily."
still coping in a few ways. i rearranged my room over the weekend to make it feel more like a bedroom and less like a room dedicated to being spacially efficient. i've taken up oil painting which has been interesting. done a lot of watercolor pieces and flower studies and those things have made me happy genuinely.
also picked up some skincare habits. drinking more water every day to stay hydrated and keep dehydration headaches away. going to bed at before 11 has been pretty good, and i don't feel groggy waking up at 7 even on weekends/days off.
i noticed i've been having bad eating habits that i can't call an eating disorder but i often skip lunch without realizing and paying attention to my body. sometimes in the morning if i'm running late i will just decide that I won't eat until lunch, even though i can easily pack a quick breakfast or ask mom. like i'm punishing myself for being late.. but even then sometimes i just can't figure out what to eat due to limited options and will skip it altogether to avoid hassle. no clue how to address that but i will eventually.
as usual now i feel really exhausted. i feel slightly better after writing about the coping and self care habits i've picked up so that's good. we'll see how i feel tomorrow.
almost didn't want to write today. i'm definitely back in the place where I feel like I should feel bad for feeling upset that my feelings were hurt. my dad's doing his usual cold shoulder/non-acknowledgement thing outside of needing me for something. that's cool i guess.
the other day I had asked them for permission to stay out overnight with friends and it was just about a replica of a conversation we had earlier this year and typical parental concerns came up which i understood but it turned into this feeling of hopelessness that I was trying to genuinely get across. i may have been in an EF and i was thinking about that during the lecture but I wasn't able to calm down. that translated into him thinking i was taking sides and blah blah..
it's frustrating to know the world is dangerous but have no one providing any real tools to make it through and be independent. i really do have to figure this out by myself bc my parents prove to be useless. i can't just be afraid of everything yet they instilled that in me from a young age.
dad triggered some hopelessness as well as emotional abandonment feelings that i couldn't pat down while i was getting lectured. he was just emotionless as i got upset. even if it didn't make sense to him, there was no concern. i keep daydreaming about still sitting there for hours but then bringing up "i feel like you don't care about my feelings" to him. i donno how that would go.
what's also related is i had a dream last night where i was with Pansy and MG and a bunch of other students and some coach talking to all of us. towards the end of the dream, the walls around us disappeared and everyone was rushing out to the fields and i panicked looking around for my friends but I couldn't find them.
my dad has this way of making me feel like my friends will never be there for me... and that somehow my family will. it's practical to grow up able to not 100% rely on friends, but it hurts to have a parent make you feel like everyone's going to abandon you.
I guess in a way, while that stems from childhood trauma, I am bigger now and I know my friends wouldn't? at least I really try to believe that. i trust them because I can see in their actions and the way they speak to me and things they've said about me. apart from my best friend of 11 years (i forget the name I gave her here, now it'll be Daisy), my friendship with them and Rose has been the longest and most fulfilling. i cherish that. but * triggers "remind me" that it won't last forever. for whatever terrible and probably untrue reason.
to help with some of this, I bought The Body Keeps The Score and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to read on my phone so that's pretty promising. I still haven't finished Pete Walker's From Surviving To Thriving yet. I struggled with that but I'll find my way back to it.
I just can't get fully out of coasting.. I bought so much art supplies this week, setting myself back a bit in terms of savings. this happens whenever there's a setback in moving out or when it feels like it'll never come. it's annoying, i don't like feeling like I shouldn't try, when i could at least try for my IC if not my adult self. i've been thinking about her a lot lately. not enough though but that's something i'm still working on too.
I'm sorry to hear about what you're F has been doing... Sounds so unpleasant and all so familiar to me.
Strange how parents seem to tie us down all the time but when you hit a certain age they suddenly expect you to be able to manage everything on your own. That's my experiences at least. It can be frustrating.
I hope those books will help you out by the way. :)
Hope you're doing well.
thanks aphotic :) the irony really is something... :snort:
****TRIGGER WARNING - self harm****
last week I had a troubling memory return to me. it fairly rarely comes back and usually when it does it's a glimpse and gives me a gross, repulsed feeling. but last week I was thinking about the time i was sexually "intimate" with a guy. i think when i thought of it, I felt like i was assaulted and I still don't really know if that's the case and whether it's something I want to analyze in that way.
but a few days ago i felt like it leaned more towards self harm. and the way i looked back on it, the way I was in a daydream in therapy and feeling all sorts of shame and skin crawling feelings. i just feel like it was an action i took because i didn't know better.
i remember telling peach about it a few months ago. how i did it to "be different" than who i was. to be a better woman. to be a maturer person. to not be gay. i think that's why i feel like it was more self harm than assault. i know in my heart now and back then that I didn't want any part of it. [hidden] the thought of being in his house, in his bed, on my knees, both times. i feel really embarrassed and nasty. years ago when i was in college i felt so humiliated looking back and remembering it clearly, being 17 and just feeling like i had to do that. like i had to say yes. i think in a way i'm grateful it was never penetrative and that he stopped before it got there. in a way i'm grateful. i hate him, feeling like i got dragged into it regardless. i DID NOT want any part of it. i really truthfully didn't and it always brought me anxiety knowing that i did something sexual and how disgusted i felt afterwards and how i felt like i couldn't get the taste out my mouth. how nasty it was. how i just wished it was over. i wish i had said no. or just not responded to his message when he sought me out from one of my * male friends.
i think i'm still pushing it down just by habit. it was the lowest time of my life before i became an adult. the worst point in my life, where i felt worthless as a person, so much that i guess i resorted to fawning in a harmful way.
it was the time my parents, particularly my dad, proved to be incredibly useless to me and proved that he had no intentions of ever being there for me. my school counselor thought i was harming myself (but by cutting). i resented him so much for that and for calling my parents. i guess he was right, but it wasn't harm in the way he thought.
my dad yelled at me for hours and called me a psycho. even after last year and the drama with an old relationship, i don't think i'd ever felt so worthless, on top of being left by that guy, who'd made loose threats to hurt himself, making me feel so incompetent and incapable, like i should have done something. like it was my responsibility. i couldn't talk about that.
i think this is the first time i'm actually talking about that. i dont even think i told my school therapist from college.
i didn't deserve any of that. i didn't deserve to impulsively do whatever a guy asked me or wanted me to do. i didn't deserve to have trauma that made me feel like i had to say yes to everyone, otherwise i was being abandoning them or hurting them.
i didn't deserve to feel violated, humiliated. 17 and i felt smaller than ever, i didn't deserve to feel like that.
i don't know if i ever blamed myself for it. maybe i did, in an embarrassed "shouldn't have done that" way. but ever memory of it, long and detailed or a short glimpse, makes my skin crawl for a reason. the same reason all the pain of my past causes me current sorrow.
what would i have done if i was my parent back then. i'd be furious. with the guy. i would want to know what got my child's self worth so low that she felt like she had to do that, even though she said she didn't really want to.
- I know why I did that. I felt like I had to please everyone, including him, to be a good person. make everyone happy. But my own happiness is important too. Doing that didn't make me happy at all. It made me feel gross, unpleasant... nasty. It made me feel wary to be around him, even though he wasn't posing a threat, even though he wasn't mean. But his demeanor doesn't matter.
- What matters is that I did something I didn't want to do. That I knew I shouldn't have done. That I wish I never had done. That I wish I'd never met him, that I trusted my feelings about speaking to a student I didn't know and agreeing to meet him, even if he was a friend of a friend. I know I didn't have to say yes, but my experiences prior to that day, prior to that year, prior to starting high school, middle school. My experiences made me feel like I had to say yes. That's understandable. That's not my fault.
I already know that fawning and freezing aren't the best mix of trauma responses to have. I was wired to serve and not talk back. My dad wired me to fear him through physical punishments. My mom taught me how to not fight back, to never develop a sense of self-preservation. My brother, with the help of my parents, taught me that there was nothing more that I was allowed to feel other than happiness. and that any step beyond that was reason for their resentment.
They together taught me how to see myself as worthless. How to put my feelings and needs below others'. There wasn't any sympathy. There wasn't any care, beyond basic needs. There weren't any attempts to understand my feelings, and change behaviors accordingly.
There was no making me feel emotionally safe in the homes I grew up in. There was no family for me when I needed them. No emotional support, no reciprocation of emotional care and labor.
They really made their choice to leave me alone. They left me alone. In ways that still don't make sense to me. They let me be alone. They let me feel like I would always be alone. They taught me to believe there would always be someone who would abandon me. But they never really stuck around to remind me that they would always be there for me.
That was their choice. They didn't have to make that choice. They could have gone their whole lives without resorting to abuse. That was their final choice in the end.
This isn't really the beginning, but I know I've got a lot of choices of my own to make.
*offers a hug*
I can relate to what you're talking about today. It's awful feeling you have to submit to someone else just to please them, please everyone. To do things that you don't want to do, just to make sure everyone else gets what they want - even if it costs you your health and dignity. You're right, you didn't deserve that. You did NOT deserve to be abused, to be manipulated and to be yelled at. It's a big step you are taking by talking about it. I hope that it's the first step you can take in order to heal from these truly awful events and emotions.
Sorry to hear about that tea, what a rough part of your life that must have been. :(
You have my sympathies.
QuoteMy dad wired me to fear him through physical punishments. My mom taught me how to not fight back, to never develop a sense of self-preservation.
And this resonates with me so much. I understand how hellish it must have felt for you.
I hope you're doing okay. ^^
thanks sceal and aphotic :)
I think I'm done recounting my trauma. I know what the past has and still is making me feel. I want to push forward a bit and move to a different step.
Living at home still feels unbearable, still feels like a disservice to Little Tea since I have the access to move out, just not the confidence or emotional capacity to yet. Staying dedicated is really tough and I have goals that I want to accomplish. I don't know if I'll come back to read this journal again. I've reread a few entries and the feelings I'd felt back then felt really powerful, even now I'm tearing up remembering how small I felt a year ago, even just some months ago.
I think I made enough excuses about struggling to read so I'm going to spend however long it takes getting through the books I bought and learning about what my past means in general and ways I can move forward without sitting and remembering all the details, triggering myself.
I don't want to be the classic domestic violence victim, the fawn-freeze that can't realize they need to make the change to get to recovery. I really don't want to be stuck here, in this house and in the midst of emotional flashbacks and retraumatization. I do want to be stronger.
I know the facts of my family. I know my perspective. I know my feelings. I know the loneliness and sadness and quiet anger and misery and false-happiness. I never deserved any of that. I don't deserve to keep feeling like things were my fault, like I deserve my current treatment, I don't deserve to tell myself that in the back of my mind.
I don't deserve self-invalidation.
I don't deserve self-hate.
I don't deserve a family that never stood up for me.
I don't deserve people who would never change if it meant the betterment of everyone.
I don't deserve to have my feelings invalidated.
I don't deserve to feel worthless.
I don't deserve to be alone, by myself, neglected. I didn't deserve to be the girl who sat in her room by herself, whose interests and loves and dislikes no one cared about.
That's what I know.