(TW!)
I have stopped my nightly habit of smoking cannabis for about 3 weeks now. It was hard to start, but I my willpower finally kicked in. I haven't been strong enough to take a break from it for about 2.5 years now. My GF and I have had a tough relationship since Jan/Feb this year, she smokes quite a lot, and it might end within the next week.
I know now that it has been really good for me to give up smoking cannabis. I use an app called "Habitica" for keeping track of habits and it helps me see my streak of days I've made.
Of course, taking off the bandage revealed a lot of dark thoughts. Last week and earlier this week I was waking up and falling asleep wishing I weren't here. I have been using crisis chats, opened up to one of my friends, been 100% honest with my T. Although my FOO is messed up and stressed out, I came to their house to visit and get away from my loneliness, take a few days off from it and working.
My heart doesn't have a lot to say lately. I feel a lot of negative thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to push through it with exercise and reaching out to old friends, but god it is hard. It feels so scary and I worry about all the missed opportunities I've had for partnerships that couldv'e worked out if I hadn't always given them up. I want to open up to more of my friends so that I can get support, but I'm very afraid to. I've been having this struggle on and off for 9 years and I've been guessing that they won't take me seriously anymore or think it's just normal. Just wanted to share. This is tough.
:hug:
It's overwhelming at times. As you said, you ripped off the bandaid and it's painful to feel that again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Hug to you again.
:hug:
Thank you for being there for me time and again Three Roses.
After I posted this, I stumbled on this video of a traumatized panther who receives understanding for the first time in his life through a special person who can communicte with him. It helped me feel better and I thought I would pass it forward
http://www.viralvo.com/how-she-transforms-a-deadly-leopard-into-a-relaxed-cat-is-beyond-my-understanding/
I found it through someone else' post about an angry cockatoo. Thank you to the user who shared it :)
i give you a lot of credit for quitting using and facing your true self. i am recovering from subs abuse for about 15 yrs., and the clarity can be painful, but it also shines on the positive parts, which are very important to see as well. i don't doubt you have plenty of those that have been hidden behind your smokescreen. keep up the good work. in my mind, it's worth it.
I've officially made it more than 3 weeks so this weekend will be a month
!!! I'm really excited.
Things in life are tougher but really not as hard as I thought it would be when I was smoking and considering quitting. My smoking brain thought I wouldn't be able to handle it if I didn't have cannabis to smoke every night. Guess what, it's working.
My meds have gone up but it's a small price to pay in return for freedom from a dependency.
Many hugs all around
Congratulations! You need to pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for dong a really hard thing. You will have the clarity that you need to deal with so many things. It may be painful, but it's worth it.
Really well done to you. It is scary giving up habits but you are doing great. All the best.
sanmagic: I think you deserve a Congratulations for your achievement too. 15 years is remarkable. I really admire you for that
Joeybird: Thank you :) :) It really feels worth it too, it's been more than a few years since I took a break
Sandstone: Thank you for the thoughts. I hope you're doing well too. Hugs