Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Hope66 on December 08, 2016, 09:46:23 PM

Title: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 08, 2016, 09:46:23 PM
Hi,
I joined this forum a few months ago - I can't remember when exactly, but this is my first posting, and I wasn't sure where to post - but a journal feels a good place to start.  I'm really not sure what kind of things I feel comfortable to write about.  I've kept diaries as a child, but I never felt able to write the things that concerned or mattered to me there, as I feared they would be read by my parents. 

There was literally one time that I did write about things, and I felt so bad I had to go through that entry and blacken it out so that no words could be read - I remember it vividly. 

I am 50 years of age now, and I feel good to be writing something here - because reading everyone's entries and posts has given me some strength - and I feel like it's a supportive place - and I hope to come back here and write more as time goes on.

Emotionally - whenever I came here to the forum, and thought about writing something, there was a feeling of fear that I wouldn't be able to do my post 'justice' - that somehow it wouldn't be 'good enough' and I realise the perfectionism aspect that is clearly there.

I've read Pete Walker's book about 3 times now.  I bought it last year.  I read the one called 'From Surviving to Thriving' first, and that's the one I've read 3 times.  I did also buy 'The Tao of Fully Feeling' but I prefer the Surviving to Thriving one as I relate to it so much.

I think this forum is wonderful, and I hope that I will be able to use this journal as part of my 'recovery' - I chose my name carefully - i.e. 'Hope' and I do have hope that life will be positive and that there is 'hope'.

I feel ok for writing what I've written, and that in itself feels like a good start. 

So I'll sign off for today, but I will continue to read and learn from the amazing posts that others have done, and I hope to write again when the time feels right.

Hope66. 
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 09, 2016, 12:51:04 AM
Hello Hope  :heythere:

I just want to make sure you know that journals are considered, usually, more private and so don't feel bad if you don't get any responses. I don't usually respond to journal entries bcuz I feel like they're more private than a regular post. (I do read them tho.)

Thanks for joining :wave:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 09, 2016, 04:53:38 PM
Thank you Three Roses, I appreciate you saying that.  :-)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 09, 2016, 05:30:41 PM
I am pleased that I posted the start of this journal yesterday, because I could then process the emotions that followed having done so!  I felt some significant anxiety at first, but then it felt 'good' - empowering to think that I could write somewhere, and that in communicating I'd be sharing things with people who understand C-PTSD - that feels important.  So I hope to continue posting, both in the journal and also in other parts of the forum.  I relate to many different 'areas' of the forum, and I feel it will help me to communicate with people who understand.

So I feel good about things today.  So far so good.  The weekend is here, and I'm looking forward to that.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 13, 2016, 09:41:48 PM
I am still working out how exactly I process my emotions.  I know that I comfort eat when things are difficult - and I've succumbed to comfort eating over the weekend and again today.  I think it's because I've written something 'out there' - i.e. in a place that can be 'seen' - even though it's in a place that I know will be helpful to me.

I've ordered a book for Christmas - by Van der Kolk called 'The Body Never Lies' - I think that's the title.  I wanted to read it because I think my body stores up tension, and my back aches sometimes when I'm under stress. 

I had a lot of stress this past few months, but in many ways, I am making progress - because I'm putting some pieces of a jig-saw together and it is making sense to me.  But at the same time, it's overwhelming at times.

I've suffered various sleep disturbances throughout my life too - night terrors and also sometimes some quite violent 'nightmares' where I literally get thrown out of bed, and I can hurt myself on those occasions.  I am thankful that those have got better recently - i.e. I've not noticed any for a while. 

I'm hoping to write in my 'journal' here from time to time, and also venture into other areas of the forum and contribute to other part of the threads - I've been reading what people have written, and feel that everyone is really brave - insightful and kind.  I like that. 

Just thinking that someone can be validating and kind makes me feel tearful, because I don't feel I've had my emotions or my feelings allowed as a child - and I've felt repressed and have had to contain myself and keep family 'secrets' - only in very recent years have I begun to 'talk' to anyone about things.  Only a few trusted people, and I did see a therapist for a short while about 4 years ago.  It was very helpful to do that, and I got so far, but I can't afford more therapy at the moment - and so I'm turning to self-help kind of books - like Pete Walker's books, which I love, and buying the new one too by Van der Kolk.  I"m not sure if I've got the name right... going from memory there. 

I also bought a book about Emotional incest too - I hope I won't overwhelm myself with these books, but I hope to read them and I've seen there are places in the forum to discuss books, so I hope to go there and talk to others.

As someone said to me, baby steps, and I am taking them.  Cautiously but I feel braver.  But I must stop comfort eating, as I don't feel good when I do that.

I am so grateful that someone has set up this amazing forum - I've seen Kizzie's posts, and they are wonderful. 

I feel very emotional writing this, and I think it's because I'm so happy that someone might be reading this and that they might understand - it means a lot.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 14, 2016, 12:43:00 AM
(I read it and I understood! :D)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 14, 2016, 07:25:31 PM
Thank you Three Roses, that means a lot.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 30, 2016, 07:33:49 PM
I've got through Christmas relatively ok, although it was tough in places.  I've got a lot going on at the moment, and some significant changes going on - regarding some relationships and finding that people don't appear to cope very well, or as I anticipate they might, if I act outside my 'script' (i.e. what they expect me to do or say).  It's scary how much people can be pigeon-holed and expected to act and behave a certain way, just because others expect them to.

I've got the 2 books I ordered - and I want to start reading them, but somehow I'm feeling apprehensive and wondering when is the right time to read them.  I may try reading some over the weekend.

I had some vivid dreams leading up to Christmas, and it was good to write about them in the forum. 

I keep coming here to the forum and reading things that people write, and wanting to interact in the threads, but then feeling a whoosh of emotion that makes me hold back. 

I feel I'll get better as time progresses and feel more brave - I really find the things that other people write to be very validating of things that I struggle with.

I think this community is a friendly and very supportive one. 
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 31, 2016, 11:33:31 PM
Feel free to jump in, anytime!

As far as reading, I found "The Body Keeps The Score" to be engaging and informative. I can't remember another time I felt so validated by a book!

When I read it, I made comments in a thread, you may find it interesting -

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4305.msg25780#msg25780

Feel free to add on, if you want to. I'm sure you have insights we can use ;)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 01, 2017, 08:16:36 PM
Hi Three Roses,
Thank you so much for that link - I will definitely pop into that thread and hopefully post something in there once I start reading the book.  I still haven't managed to venture into it, but I will hopefully do so very soon!

I am sure it will be so helpful to have a place to reflect on the contents of the book. 
Thanks again.   :)

Hope
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 01, 2017, 08:25:29 PM
So, it's New Year's Day - and I feel more positive about 2017 than I did about 2016, so that is good!  But I have also been over-eating to a chronic degree over Christmas and my clothes feel tight - it's not a good feeling.  I know I comfort eat, and there's been a lot of stress - but reading the other posts have helped me to realise the fact it's a stressful time of year for many of us.  Probably most of the people out there in the world - or so it seems!

But I've got through it, and it was ok.  I am relieved.

I've been thinking about whether to pursue therapy - but to be honest, my finances aren't great - I need to budget and therapy is expensive, and limited where I live.  I don't think they understand complex PTSD - Pete Walker's book has been the best help so far, and I can see that the people in this lovely forum understand - it is great to see so many things here I can relate to.  I find it validating to read the threads.

My sleep has improved - such a relief as I hate bad dreams - especially as I tend to 'act out' in my dreams - i.e. physically move about - maybe run sometimes, and I can hurt myself at such times.

I'm recognising big time that I might be dissociating when in different situations - even whilst watching films - it's hard to stay in the 'moment' and focus.  I find I miss content and really have to try hard to concentrate on the here and now.  Frustrating, and I want to do better.

Have to go - but good to write these few words.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 13, 2017, 07:13:24 PM
I've read the book called 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Van der Kolk - wow, it was amazing.  So many things resonated with me, and I wrote notes while I read it - and also wrote some flashbacks that came back to me whilst I read it - putting those in brackets, so that I could go back to them and try to work through some stuff. 

I felt like I focused better on that book - I normally end up dissociating, but somehow I was able to really focus - I think the eye movement desensitization is a great idea - so much of that book makes sense.  I really wish I'd read it years ago, but maybe I wouldn't have been ready back then to take it in.  I don't know.  Better late than never - and I am relieved that there are things I can do to make things better - I've already been to the library and got out some books on 'breathing' and also 'mindfulness'. 

I also want to try to begin to organise my thoughts and feelings better - and try to get more in touch with my 'feelings'.

There's a few things I want to write about in the forum, to seek people's replies - but I am wondering which bits to focus on - again there's a perfectionistic side to me that wants to write in a way that makes sense, but I find it hard to think of how to put my sentences together to do that. 

I also want to take some time to allow my feelings and thoughts to flow on paper - in a private journal I'm going to start, and see what associations come up there.  Maybe I can uncover other memories - I understand better (I think) how my memories are fragmented due to being traumatic memories.  I want to enable myself to feel 'safer' so that I can explore some of the things that might be exiled from my conscious memory.  I am hoping I'll be able to make some links, and also find ways to be ever more present in the here and now.

Life is precious, and there are so many things that I would like to do with the remainder of my life.  Time is precious. 

This forum is both meaningful and a 'safe haven' - and I I am grateful that it is here.  If you're reading this, then I want you to know that I'm pleased to be in a place where people actually understand - it's a rare thing to find that.    :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 13, 2017, 07:36:16 PM
I decided I would try to write something in the other parts of the forum, but I felt a tightness in my throat, and I felt tearful - I went from topic to topic, and thought - "Where can I write this?" - Neglect/Abandonment seemed to figure as a topic that drew me, but then images that came to mind were horrible - and I thought - "I can't write that!" - I seem to have a powerful inner censor who is stopping me from sharing things - what's the emotion?  Shame?  Humiliation?  I think so. 

I think I need a bit more time, but I feel sure I'll be brave and will share more another day. 

What I found very interesting whilst reading the book by Van der Kolk is that whenever my partner walked by - I was feeling incredibly angry towards him - as if he was violating my space.  I don't normally feel that way about him, as he is such a lovely and wonderful person in my life and he has never hurt me, but I think that the book about 'The Body Keeps the Score' had clearly triggered me - and I was facing some incredibly strong emotions/feelings - anger?  Hurt?  So many things.

I did tell my partner how I had been feeling, and it was good to talk to him about it.  I think part of me was feeling guilty for reading the book - as if I was trespassing in trying to help myself - something that my parents would have belittled and said 'There's nothing wrong here!' - denial and minimisation of me. 

I feel really upset thinking about this - but I'm glad I'm feeling things.  I am no longer in the fog.  I can see much clearer and I want to find my way to the sunshine and light.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: bring em all in on January 13, 2017, 10:21:52 PM
Hope66- Your courageous posts continue to be a source of inspiration for me. I can relate to so much of what you write- especially the points of having to deal with the internal censor and what my parents would have said to me. It seems many of us with CPTSD have internalized the abusive messages we received and we can now self-harm psychologically. I can remember wanting to tell people when I was a teen, you can stop bullying and hurting me now- I've learned how to do it myself.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 15, 2017, 07:19:20 PM
Hi Bring Em All In,

Thanks for your comments, which I really appreciate.  I agree with you about internalising the abusive messages we received from our families - it's a tough thing and hard to cope with, but being aware of it is helpful for definite.

:)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 22, 2017, 07:22:36 PM
I've been reading more books - probably too quickly and too many.  I guess it's my way of trying to 'sort things out' and 'move forwards' - in my enthusiasm to find a positive way forward.  But I am also aware that I am 'rushing' things - trying to make things better by 'educating' myself - when infact what I need to do is slow down and 'feel things' - do some proper work on my past, and look back on childhood memories and 'feel' the emotions that I had repressed from that time. 

Even writing that, I feel as if I'm 'rushing' - like I can't sit still and contemplate. 

Soon I am planning to go to a place that I've avoided - and reconnect with some friends I've not seen for a long time - a few years.  But I've avoided that place because it is where my FOO (family of origin) are - and I am estranged from them, and I am phobic about the potential of bumping into them.  So I'm scared, but at the same time I feel very brave to be contemplating this.

I shouldn't have to avoid a place because of the potential to see people I don't want to see.  I want to re-engage with my friends - and E-mailing or communicating via Facebook isn't the same. 

But at the same time, I feel scared - because I've been protecting myself by being a long way away - and that has felt safe.  But I need to remind myself that I'm an adult woman now - not a small child.  I need to take my inner child by the hand, and tell her that she will be ok, and I will protect her.  I think I can protect her now.

I feel stronger.

I need to start looking more at the past - because the past is pushing itself into my view every day - I can be walking along, and flashbacks are coming to me of situations and I have some feelings associated with those images and thoughts. 

I took notes whilst I was reading and I need to re-read my notes and make sense of them.  I kept getting 'Ah ha' moments as I read - it made so much sense. 

Some of the things I've remembered, I want to write about in here - in another section where I can get people's responses and thoughts, but at the same time I feel like there is a great sense of shame associated with my memories.  But I realise that is an emotion I've internalised, rather than there being any real reason for me to be shamed by what happened. 

Interesting that as I'm writing this, I feel a wave of emotion descending on me - my response is to try to push it aside - but I know it would probably be good to think about why I feel this way, and what has been triggered by the feeling.

I know I need to do some work on this, and I am keen to do it.  But I fear being over-whelmed at the same time.

Anyway, it's helped me to 'talk' here - knowing that it's a safe place.  So thank you - if you are reading this, because I value knowing there are people out there who understand, and I feel sure that is the case in this community.  It's a rare and special place.

Hope   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 29, 2017, 01:22:18 PM
Just updating my Recovery Journal today (Sunday 29th January 2017) as I am due to travel tomorrow to see friends and catch up with people I've not seen for a few years!  I have been feeling apprehensive, and also scared on occasions of the potential to bump into people I'm estranged from - but I found that when I posted about my fears in other parts of this great forum, that several people reached out and supported me - and it felt really good to know that people understood and that they also offered me some strategies and ways to cope.  I am going to hopefully bear all those things in mind when I make my trip, and I hope that things will go well and that I'll be able to enjoy it, and keep the anxiety and hypervigilance at bay.

I am also really happy to be able to return to this forum again when I get back.  It's made a real difference to my life knowing there's a supportive community out there - I know I keep saying it, or at least I keep thinking it, but I am happier to be part of this community.  I had felt isolated before, even though I have good support from my partner, I needed to also talk with people who understand what having complex PTSD is about - because it's not easy to explain to other people.

Anyway, I feel reasonably ok today - which is good!   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on January 29, 2017, 03:08:28 PM
It's intimidating, thinking about bumping into a toxic person and worrying what will happen!

For me, planning what I would do in that situation works pretty well. If they say this, I would say that. Etc. Not worrying about it but planning for it is empowering for me.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 29, 2017, 03:15:04 PM
Thank you Three Roses, your reply means a lot and is very validating - I will certainly keep the helpful strategies in mind, and I am feeling a bit more confident about things - although my mood is wavering and is quite changeable - but overall I'm doing ok.  Thank you!   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: bring em all in on January 29, 2017, 05:50:34 PM
I wish you the best in your travels!!! Remember, we are with you in spirit :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on January 29, 2017, 07:45:20 PM
Hi Bring Em All In,

I am grateful to have your support - thank you!   :)

Wishing you a good week, and hope you sleep better over the week.  :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on February 05, 2017, 03:07:29 PM
Just wanted to update my Recovery Journal today - I actually COPED with a visit back to my previous home - where my FOO currently live - I wanted to re-connect with friends I'd not seen for a few years, and I had felt quite 'phobic' about re-visiting that part of the world, but it was such a good thing to have done - and the fact is I COPED....!!!!  I think that shows I'm doing ok.  I feel braver now. 

Yes, I was hypervigilant, and certain places were scarier - understandably so, but the fact is that I didn't avoid any particular place - comments that others in the forum had made to me prior to going were sooooo helpful - and I felt as if I had them 'behind' me - cheering me on.  It really helped so much.

I did feel some emotions relating to an 'anti-climax' when I returned home - also some feelings that were similar to 'emptiness' - of 'feeling more alone' - but I think that was because I was still grieving in my mind for the wish that things could have been different. 

A bit like 'holiday blues' I guess - returning from a holiday to a more normal routine etc, and feeling that change.

But I am now looking forward to trying to focus more on my self-development, and my creativity - which has been stifled and repressed so far, and which I need to 'let loose' to 'play a little' - and I'm looking forward to finding out 'who I am' - what "I would like" in my life and how I can develop those things and lead an authentic and 'real' life - trying my best to stay in 'real time' rather than focus on past memories, and future 'worries' - but enjoy being in the moment, and actually experiencing whatever emotion comes my way, rather than dissociate from it.

This is my hope.  I will see how it goes.  I am also hoping to go back to the books I read recently, and take things a 'step at a time' and do some of the exercises/suggestions in the books - to see how that goes. 

I feel hopeful this weekend.  :-)  I am pleased that I survived and coped with my trip away, and that I am home again, and able to focus on the week ahead. 
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on February 13, 2017, 08:15:40 PM
Just wanted to write some more in my journal - I feel a bit directionless at the moment.  I know I felt good for coping with returning the places I had avoided for a few years - and I felt braver etc, but I also had quite an anti-climax being back home again, but wonder if that was because of the build-up etc to coping with everything, and then the 'what now' kind of thing.

I had been almost bingeing on self-help books after Christmas - read three books one after the other, and felt like I was devouring them - I posted questions about how to 'work on things' rather than just read about things, and I got some great replies - suggesting engaging my more playful parts of myself - rather than thinking about regarding it was 'work'.

I have entered a poetry competition over the weekend - something I've never done before.  It was fun to write some poetry, and I think it could be therapeutic for me.

****Potential triggers here - if you're reading this****
When I was a child my father burned a whole box of things in a bonfire in the garden, and it turned out that they were the childhood stories I had written, which I was proud of and felt I'd done something worthwhile.  Of course - it was supposedly an accident, but as an adult, I feel as if he violated my creativity - not only with that physical act of burning my stories, but in other ways - he violated me.  He didn't allow me my space to be free and a child - he invaded my space - I feel choked up literally when I think of this.

Also, I would have loved to read my stories back - now as an adult, to see if any themes were there about how I was feeling, what things I was writing about - I feel sure I would have communicated quite a bit that would have been helpful to me now.  I am angry that I am unable to do that - they were mine.  He burned them - in a callous way - although allegedly it was an accident. 

But was it?  Maybe I had written something in the stories that they didn't want anyone to read?  This is the paranoid side of myself, wondering - what were they covering up? 

I've been waiting for a reply from someone I've written to - someone I am hoping will re-connect with me, and whom I upset last year.  I've apologised for my part in the altercation.  My anxiety level has gone up - I've been tempted to over-eat - I tend to comfort eat when I'm stressed.  I realise that I feel vulnerable for making the move to re-engage contact - and wonder how much I feel the need to be in control of that situation.  But of course, I can't be.

I've watched a couple of U-tube videos today about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother - they were helpful and I realise how many great resources there are online - why have I avoided watching them before?  Maybe I just wasn't ready, or maybe I was scared of what I might learn.  But I avidly read - so that can't be the case.  I think it's something about the verbalisation of stuff - i.e. reading means hearing it internally - rather than speaking something out loud.

I did have some therapy a few years back, and found it incredible to speak out loud some things infront of someone else - that was one of the most powerful things, but I haven't been doing that recently - as I am not able to have any therapy at the moment - finances are sufficient and there just isn't anyone available to see who works with complex PTSD - to my knowledge.  I'm in an isolated place in that respect.

Despite what I've written, I do feel I'm making some progress - slowly but surely - and I am hopeful. 

That is so positive, I know that.

Interesting to notice that having written this now, I feel better for it.  Seeing all those emoticons above the window - expressing themselves in various ways - makes me feel like there's a whole audience there who are reacting to things I've said, and weirdly that is making me feel less isolated with this - as well as knowing that people do view the journals too - and that it's a validating and supporting forum.  That all helps. 

I wrote a couple of things whilst watching the U-tube videos today, so want to jot them here:

"Being present and authentic" is helpful.
"What we think and what we feel is not important" (taught by parental experience) - BUT 'what I think and what I feel DOES matter"

I'm feeling proud of the fact that although I've felt like comfort eating, I've not done so.  I've come here and written in my journal, and it feels good to have done that. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on February 13, 2017, 11:58:01 PM
:cheer:

I don't always answer in journal threads but I wanted to give you credit for making a journal entry instead of comfort eating. Good job, you!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on February 14, 2017, 01:28:23 PM
Thanks so much Three Roses - I was pleased to have done that too.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on March 01, 2017, 07:39:26 PM
I've been reading more in the forum this last couple of days, and I find it interesting how I feel having done so - it's like something 'builds up' in my throat - like a pressure, and I feel more emotional - and my head hurts - but not on the left side like it can do, but on the right side.

I'm still feeing a bit 'at sea' in terms of not knowing how best to proceed with my recovery.  I read three books back to back after Christmas, and I felt 'compelled' to read them, and had every good intention to do something with the information - that would be meaningful to me and helpful, but when it comes to it, I haven't done anything. 

I tried the writing with the non-dominant hand and then the dominant hand, and was amazed by the spidery writing that emerged - understandable, but it makes it look childish - and I guess that's understandable, but also represents the fact that I am frozen inside at a much younger age - or that's how it feels.  I realise that's the 'inner child' and I do worry for her. 

Many of the discussions and topics in the forum resonate with me, and I feel like I want to reach out and interact, and sometimes I say something, but I often find myself 'holding back' - probably because I am uncertain of the right thing to express what I'm feeling. 

As I sit here, contemplating what to write, I think I feel 'directionless' and that is concerning for me, as I want to feel I'm going in a direction that is meaningful and which will help me to break free and gain a greater perspective and understanding on things.  My family of origin (FOO) have always kept 'secrets' and made me feel that I can't discuss things openly, and I guess it feels hard to express myself openly in this forum - yet I know that's holding me back.  I make tentative attempts, and compared with how I felt right at the beginning - i.e. when I first set foot in this forum - I am much more comfortable to write - but I need to get over this barrier that is stopping me from making the best use of the forum, and really communicating.

I got some books out of the library on breathing techniques and reducing anxiety, but I felt bored - and took them back again.  I didn't use them, and I feel bad for the fact I took them out and then didn't use them.

I can hear my inner critic telling me that I'm a failure, and that I can't succeed at things, and yet I know that I have succeeded at many things in life - but essentially the things I'd like to do - are the things I'm stalling over, and not making any progress.  The creative parts of my life seem strangled in terms of their ablility to breathe - and yet I think I'd be good at things if I only allowed myself to 'do those things' - is it perfectionism that is holding me back, or fear of failure, or what?  I don't know.  Maybe it's the 'freeze' reaction - suspended in space and unable to move forward. 

Someone in the forum suggested that I 'play' rather than 'work' at things - and so I will think about this more and maybe try to 'play a little' rather than restrict myself in this way.  I was a parentified child - taking a lot on my young shoulders, and sometimes I experience back pain as if I'm carrying a heavy load, and I want to shake that off and feel lighter and happier.

As I'm writing this, I'm trying to write more in a free-flowing kind of way, without censoring myself - but that in itself is a challenge.  Maybe I need to work on self-expression and feeing free to express myself.

This is very upsetting - to acknowledge how stifled I feel.  Restricted.  It's like a prison of mind, but I feel there is hope - and that's why I chose my name - Hope.  I will hold onto that, and I will experience some freedom of expression - I'll work on that this week, and see what happens.  Maybe I've worked out some small sense of direction - so writing this has been helpful afterall.  :-)

Hope  :-)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on March 14, 2017, 07:00:50 PM
I'm not sure what I'm going to write, but somehow I want to write in my Recovery journal today - and so I'll see what 'comes out' of me.  I think I've been making some progress - because I am able to 'stay' with my emotions/feelings/thoughts more - and feel more 'in the real world' as opposed to dissociating - I've also been using a diary where I've been writing things down, and I even wrote some words to one of my FOO - to express how I felt - although I know that I 'held back' - because I've always been conditioned to repress my own feelings and thoughts - and therefore it feels alien to be doing that.

I have tended to try to look for the good in people, even in the face of the fact that I now realise that my FOO didn't look out for my interests - only their own.  They were the selfish ones.  I was a vulnerable child, trying to make my life and understand things. 

I feel as if my childhood was spent as a person brain-washed and in a Cult - I was told what I like, what I don't like, what to wear, how to feel, how to think - and I was made to keep secrets.  I'm still trying to work out the 'roles' that each of my FOO had - I think my M (Mum) is a narcissist - but what about my D (Dad) - is he a Flying Monkey (I've only just found out what that term means - someone mentioned it in a post I'd done, and I had to look it up) - or is he an Enabler?  Or is he Co-dependent?  I don't know.  I think they were both abusive - and they covered up their abuse by appearing as if there was 'nothing to see here' - moving me around at significant points in my life, so that any friendships I had were broken, and making it hard for me to find any support outside the FOO.

Horrible - and I strove to be 'the good daughter' for SO MANY years - well into my adulthood and beyond, and only in the last decade have I managed to break away.  I feel foolish when I think about it - why did I stay so long in their control - even to the detriment of my emotional and mental health.

I'm hoping to put a list of things in my diary that are meaningful across the ages of my childhood, as I am keen to see if I can fill in gaps in my memory about particular things, and make some links.  That feels important to me.  I'm hoping that my memory will enable me to link things more and make more sense of the whole picture. 

I've written more than I thought I would.  It feels good.  Not sure about the content, but I'm not going to evaluate it too much, just let it 'be'. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on March 15, 2017, 02:12:11 PM
Jotting a few things down to remind me they happened.  Last night I had a horrible dream that my M was pressing my head against the pillow, smothering me, and I yanked my neck to free myself, feeling as if my head was going to split in two - and I felt my tendons/muscles or something 'tear' a bit - and felt horrible pain - had to take painkiller to settle it, and today I am sore, but essentially not too bad.  I was so angry that my M had got into my head so much last night to do that to me in my sleep.  I felt down first thing, but as the day has gone on, I've felt better. 

However, I couldn't find my car in the car-park - not for ages, and when I did find it, it didn't look like my car - a sticker in the window was one I didn't recognise, and somehow my brain saw the car as very old and unkempt and dusty - I'd not realised it before - but in that strange and dissociated state, I saw something clearly - in a weird kind of way.  Makes me feel a little crazy, but I know I'm ok.

I've also noticed that I have written 80 something posts and/or replies in the forum, and I think 'How did I do that?' - almost as if it wasn't me, but I know it was.  This forum has been so supportive.  To think that I felt so hesitant and shy to post anything or to say anything before, and then sometimes I'm wanting to share something, and thinking of the best place in the forum to write about it.  It really does help.  If anyone is reading this, and thinking about whether to post something - I would say - it really does help.  I think so.

I can't think of anything else to say now.  But it was good to have written something.  :-)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on March 25, 2017, 04:50:50 PM
Just feeling the need to write something here in my journal today - I know it does me good to do that - and I feel extra triggered at the moment as it's going to be Mother's Day in the UK tomorrow, and all week they've been talking about it on various TV programmes, and of course there's the usual E-mail reminders from various businesses etc saying 'It's not too late to send a card' etc etc, and it really annoys me that there are so many reminders of it. 

Even today when I went out with my partner to try and get a cup of coffee somewhere, the cafes and restaurants were full of families meeting up for Mother's Day.  So we decided to have our coffee at home, and that was that. 

But, I have ordered and received a Workbook about Complex PTSD, which has arrived, and it's proving to be useful - although I'm reading it carefully and slowly - as and when I feel able to.  I even tried writing down some feelings and thoughts in a notebook, and that was interesting - I notice tension in the throat area, and also it reminded me of the numerous times when I was a small child that I was gritting my teeth and feeling immense tension in my jaw as a result of that.

I was also reading Blueberry's journal entry today, and she spoke of sarcasm having been something that her family used to suppress emotions, and that made complete sense to me, and I thought of my own FOO and how many of their comments were SO sarcastic and had double meanings, which would have gone over my head as a child, most likely.

I am going to try to cope with M's Day tomorrow, by trying to keep busy and distract my thoughts - but maybe I will spend some focused time on thinking about my relationship and perhaps writing something down - just within the space of half an hour or so, so that any thoughts I do want to express can be focused within that time window.  I am hoping that will allow my thoughts to channel themselves and not burst forth at other times in the day.  That's my hope, that the day will pass in a way that doesn't cause me too much distress or pre-occupation.

I can feel my anxiety levels are heightened at the moment, so I am thinking of ways to channel that angst that is bubbling behind it.  Maybe doing some exercise or just doing lots of cleaning - it really needs a good clean at home, I've been neglecting things!  Yes, that's what I'll do - lots of cleaning and then maybe have some relaxing moments later in the day and contemplate how I'm feeling and maybe it won't be so bad.

I've been dreaming more lately, but I can't remember the content of the dreams!  At least it hasn't felt unpleasant so maybe the content has been ok. 

One thing I've realised is that I've always felt the need to try to protect my FOO and try to see their good sides, to such a degree that the fog obliterated the truth - and I was blind for a long time to the reality of their control and brain-washing.  I am so glad I can see more clearly now, and I've realised that they didn't care about me much at all, it was more about feeding their own needs - sad but true.  That's how it feels to me anyway.

I'm glad to have written something here today. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: jdcooper on March 26, 2017, 01:34:52 PM
QuoteWhen I was a child my father burned a whole box of things in a bonfire in the garden, and it turned out that they were the childhood stories I had written, which I was proud of and felt I'd done something worthwhile.  Of course - it was supposedly an accident, but as an adult, I feel as if he violated my creativity - not only with that physical act of burning my stories, but in other ways - he violated me.  He didn't allow me my space to be free and a child - he invaded my space - I feel choked up literally when I think of this.

This is heartbreaking! Your stories! Burned! By your father.  How very cruel.  I am so sad this happened to you.  That he didn't allow you to be a child.  I feel the same.  Unfortunately, or fortunately I can't remember much of my abuse.  But I can feel it.  And this is how it feels, like my space was invaded.  You write so well!

QuoteHorrible - and I strove to be 'the good daughter' for SO MANY years - well into my adulthood and beyond, and only in the last decade have I managed to break away.  I feel foolish when I think about it - why did I stay so long in their control - even to the detriment of my emotional and mental health.

Oh how I relate to this.  I thought I was helping my mental health to keep a connection going.  I also feel foolish I stayed so long.  I even ask my husband why he continued to allow myself to be hurt by keeping up the visits.  I was in so much denial, he couldn't even notice how I was being re-traumatized.  Sometimes its subtle, but the old patterns building up for years, even the smallest of comments or slights can hurt us.  We just think - how can I be upset about that - I should be able to let that go.  I am the mature one here.  Its so complex.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on March 30, 2017, 04:09:49 PM
JdCooper - thank you so much for your comments - which I've just read today - I really appreciate the fact you read some of my journal and I especially like your validation of the fact my Dad burned my stories, as that hurt me so much - although he claimed it was an accident - but I wonder how that could happen.  I also think it was representative of him taking much of my innocence and not allowing me to be a child or to be creative and play - I feel anger about those things now, and I've been protecting him for so many years by not confronting him with the truth about different things.  I don't think it's worth doing it now, because I believe he would deny it - and Mum would collude with that - and they would present a united front and say 'Nothing to see here' - I feel sure of that.

I am so sorry that your space was invaded, and I so relate to that feeling. 

You spoke of being in denial, and I think that's how it is when we're in the fog and can't see past it.  Yet things can re-traumatise us, and that's not fair.

So thank you.  I appreciated your comments very much.

***Potential Triggers - mentioning Sexual abuse, but not graphically***
So, to my journal entry for today - as I've not written here for a few days - I want to reflect on the fact I shared some details of my sexual abuse in the other section of the forum, and it felt like a mega thing to do that - yet I also felt a pressure to do it, as I really wanted to share what had happened and see what would happen - I felt 'safe enough' and just writing it down felt really helpful, and people validated my feelings, and it felt incredibly emotional - my inner critics came out in the moments and days after to shame me for writing it 'publicly' because of course I had been shamed into keeping it 'secret' and not sharing it with anyone for many many years.  My partner was the first person I told - and I've also more recently told a couple of very close friends - and thankfully I received such positive and supportive responses from them, although I could tell they were all shocked.

I disclosed to a therapist I saw a few years back - but only because her first question in the interview was whether I had been sexually abused, and I said 'Yes, I have' - and she asked me a few questions about what happened, and once I talked more about my experiences she was quick to suggest that I estranged myself from the toxic effects of continuing to be in contact with my FOO.  I was surprised because I thought that therapists wouldn't be so prescriptive, but I really think she appeared shocked as well.  That shocked me into a realisation that it was 'true' and 'happened' - whereas before I couldn't decide if it was significant enough - not sure if this makes sense.   

But when I think back to it, I think - was it that bad?  People experience worse things - and I realise it's the inner critics perhaps saying that. 

My partner sometimes fears for me, as he feels that I am going round in circles trying to 'work through' my emotions and feelings, and I think he hopes that I'll be 'better' and 'over it' - but it's a tough thing to get over ingrained brain-washing, coupled with sexual abuse, and incredible 'control' and the errosion of an identity - I feel like I'm just beginning to 'find myself' and discover what 'I like' as a person, and what 'I want' - and I am beginning to try to experience things whilst staying in the 'here and now' rather than dissociating - which I do frequently.  I am beginning to make some progress at this - I think so.

I was scared that when I wrote about my experiences in a bit more detail, that somehow my Dad would read it, and immediately know I was talking about him - but I realise that's ridiculous - he's unlikely to ever find his way to this forum.

I am so relieved that Mother's Day is over now, here in the UK, as it was so triggering for me in the week leading up to that occasion.  But it's over now - and so hopefully there won't be many more triggers relating to that for a while - and I'll be less likely to ruminate about such things.

Whilst I write these words, there's an inner voice that is saying - "Delete this - it's meaningless drivel" - "Who cares how you feel anyway" - "You're moaning about nothing - get over yourself" - and the usual comments of "You're a drama Queen" and "You don't know you're born" etc - but I know those statements are from an inner critic created by my parents - and I am not going to listen to them. 

We all have a right to express ourselves and live our lives in an authentic way, and be true to the person we find out that we are, and I am seeking to find myself in amongst this past muddle that kept me tied up and frozen in fear.  I am thawing out, and I am enjoying the sunshine and the prospect of life without the confines of parental suffocation.

I can even feel some anger surfacing about the injustices of it - and I wonder what to do with that emotion. 

Anyway, it's good to have written something here today.  I am not sure how much sense it makes, but it feels good to have written. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on March 30, 2017, 08:18:26 PM
QuoteWhilst I write these words, there's an inner voice that is saying - "Delete this - it's meaningless drivel" - "Who cares how you feel anyway...."

I do!  :yes:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on March 31, 2017, 08:51:04 AM
Three Roses - thank you so much.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on March 31, 2017, 05:38:29 PM
***TW: Possibly some triggers - mention of sexual abuse ***

Today I felt really down mood-wise.  I realise I wanted to shift my mood - either by eating, and even considered drinking alcohol this evening to 'lift my mood' - but in the end, I decided to 'stick with' my feelings and think about what they meant and what they were.  I think it's down to the fact I disclosed some memories of sexual abuse, and it was the spilling of emotion that came from that.

Interesting that last night I lay awake - or in some kind of semi-awake state, and was imagining all kind of things - tried to stay attentive to the thoughts and feelings, and noticed that I related to a couple of 'inner children' - within myself - one who is very shy and frightened and lonely, and nearly showed herself to me.  It surprised me so much - I nearly saw her, or imagined her.  Not sure, but I felt she was present, and that she wanted to tell me things.  But she only showed for a moment or two. 

I was pleased that I was able to stay with my thoughts and feelings, even though today I can't remember too much about what I thought about!!!  I just know I felt very flat today - numb, and low in my mood. 

However, I haven't binged on comforting foods to numb myself (past coping strategy) and I decided against alcohol to 'lift my mood' and as time has passed, I'm beginning to come out of it - and feel better.  So I think this is good.

I've also noticed some feelings of anger, and instead of brushing it aside, I've sat with it - and allowed myself to feel it and to direct it at my FOO - instead of trying to 'protect' them and be their 'perfect daughter' - someone who wasn't encouraged to express my own feelings, and who was expected to be what others expected me to be.

To think how I struggled at first to write anything in this forum, and was silent for the first few months of being here, and now I am posting and contributing - and feeling more confident and braver as time goes on.  It's validating and helping me in so many ways. 

I'd like to write more about my SA, and I will do so, but I need to pace myself, and process the feelings that are coming up as a result of that, and I know I mustn't rush that - but I feel I want to do that, as it will help me to move forward with it, and process it and hopefully it will make me feel less alone with it, and more connected to life - having survived experiences and come through them - also reminding me that I am now estranged from my FOO and therefore I am safe from further distress, but I need to emotionally detach as well - if that's possible, as I still feel their 'control' in my life, and their censor on my freedom, but it is less suffocating now, as I am physically separated from them.

But they've left me a legacy that I didn't want, and I need to ensure I bury that legacy somewhere where it can't hurt me anymore.  I wonder if that is possible.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 01, 2017, 03:28:12 AM
Hope,

Quote
    Whilst I write these words, there's an inner voice that is saying - "Delete this - it's meaningless drivel" - "Who cares how you feel anyway...."

Can only agree with Three Roses here: I also care how you feel!!

And in addition, I have inner voices who say similar things, but actually what your and my inner voices are saying in this sort of case - that's the drivel! I hope it's OK for me to say that to you. It's still a lot easier for me to validate a fellow sufferer's feelings than to acknowledge and validate my own.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on April 01, 2017, 08:41:17 AM
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much.  It means a lot that you commented, and I really value what you said - and understand what you're saying about 'the drive' - you're right.  Challenging that inner critic and voice is important, and knowing where it stemmed from too.
Thank you again.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on April 04, 2017, 03:55:10 PM
Not sure what I'm going to write today in my Journal, but thinking that it's been doing me good to write things and post about things, and so I want to continue - I feel I'm making some progress - but it's like going up and down, backwards and forwards - with no particular direction - I keep dipping in and out of different topics and subjects in relation to so many areas of my life that feel they need attention, and sometimes I feel like I'm swamped, and at other times, I feel some clarity.

I am also aware of my inner critic, which tries to thwart me and hold me back, but the thing is that I'm actually listening more to the words that are expressed by the inner critic, and I'm actively challenging them by verbalising them, and looking for the power behind those words, and quite often, there's no reality behind the critical tone - it comes from my FOO and their brain-washing of me.  So I don't have to listen to it, and it no longer has power over me - not unless I allow it to have.  Hope this makes sense.

Since I lay in a semi-awake state one night, and noticed how what I perceived to be an inner child - a smaller me, who was frightened, and briefly showed herself to me that night, I've been imagining that when I'm walking along, I am no longer alone, but I have a few inner children following along - it's more like a symbolic feeling, but at the same time it does feel quite real.  Anyway, I feel as if I'm carrying a baby - literally close to my chest as I walk, and that I'm trying to nurture that baby - because I feel that I wasn't nurtured properly when I was a small baby.  I also have a small girl, maybe about 6 years old, maybe younger, who is trying to hang onto my trousers as I walk - because she doesn't want to be far from me, and I am trying to help her to feel more confident and reassure her that I won't leave her - and that she's safe.  Then there's another child who seems relatively care-free and she's skipping and running along behind, and she doesn't seem to need my help in the same way that the others do.

I am finding this a really interesting thing - because I'd not allowed my imagination to flourish much before, and therefore I'd not been able to experience these 'children' - I see them as my inner children, and I am glad they are in contact with me.

I just want to reflect also on the fact that as I was writing this, my partner happened to come into the room and was talking about putting a jumper on, and I ended up snapping at him, and telling him I needed some space to write something personal here - and I am amazed that I felt such anger - as if he was coming into my space and I felt ashamed for writing these things.  I guess it shows how personal it is, and how protective I am of my inner children, and wanting to communicate in a private sphere - even though I share things with him - I admit I've not talked about the inner children with him - except that I wanted the doll that my inner child seemed to ask for.  I bought that doll, and my partner asked me if he could pay for it, and so he's taken it to wrap up for my BIrthday later in the year - so the doll is currently wrapped up!

I'd better stop writing now as I need to do some stuff - didn't realise the time, but glad I've been able to write this today. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 09, 2017, 12:03:28 AM
Hope, I'm sorry that you don't have your doll yet, that she's lying wrapped up somewhere. I hope your birthday is in early summer rather than late autumn so that you don't have too long to wait.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on April 12, 2017, 05:36:57 PM
Blueberry, I really appreciate you saying that - and yes, my Birthday will be not too far away, so I will have my lovely doll sooner rather than later.  Exciting!  :-) 

OK, so my journal entry for today - I am feeling positive because I'm reading 'yet another book' and I feel the need to copy a whole section from it, as I relate to it so much, and want to remember it. 

The book is by John Bradshaw, and it's called "Home Coming: Reclaiming & Championing your Inner Child" - and this is the section that resonated with me (one of many sections of his book infact):

copied from p65 of the book: "One way adult children avoid their legitimate suffering is by staying in their heads.  This involves obsessing about things, analyzing, discussing, reading, and spending lots of energy in trying to figure things out.  There is a story about a room with two doors.  Each door has a sign on it.  One says HEAVEN; the other says LECTURE ON HEAVEN.  All the co-dependent adult children are lined up in front of the door that says LECTURE ON HEAVEN!

Adult children have a great need to figure things out because their parents were unpredictable adult children themselves.  Sometimes they parented you as adults; sometimes they parented you as wounded and selfish children.  Sometimes they were in their addictions, sometimes not.  What resulted was confusion and unpredictability.  Someone once said that growing up in a dysfunctional family is like "getting to a movie in the middle and never understanding the plot."  Someone else described it has "growing up in a concentration camp".  This unpredictability caused your continual need to figure things out.  And until you heal the past, you will continue to try to figure it out.

Staying in one's head is also an ego defense.   By obsessing on things, one does not have to feel.  To feel anything is to tap in to the immense reservoir of frozen feelings that are bound by your wounded child's toxic shame.

So, I repeat, you must actually do the original pain work if you wish to heal your wounded inner child.  The only way out is to go through it.  "No pain no gain" as we say in the 12 Step programs.

My belief is that recovery from childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse is a process, not an event.  Reading this book and doing the exercises will not make all your problems disappear overnight.  But I guarantee that you'll discover a delightful little person within yourself.  You will be able to listen to that child's anger and sadness and to celebrate life with your inner child in a more joyous, creative, and playful way."

(Quoted the above from the book by John Bradshaw).

I am filled with enthusiasm for this book, and hope that I will do the exercises recommended in the book, and make some progress in the process of reclaiming and helping my inner child/children.

I wanted to share that information in my journal - as I feel it is a route to recovery and I am hopeful.  :-)

Hope   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on April 16, 2017, 04:23:50 PM
I was feeling very positive when I wrote my last entry in this journal - however the process of going through the Easter weekend has brought up many varied thoughts and feelings that have dampened my enthusiasm.  This is normal though, as Easter is a triggering time - reminds me of family of origin (FOO) holidays - and memories, and heightens the fact we are estranged.  I feel quite a lot of grief and sadness - but it is related to the 'what if' scenario - and I also notice that I feel 'guilt' - i.e. accompanied by thoughts such as 'If only I'd managed to cope' - but it was so toxic to be part of that FOO system, and I had to break away for my own sanity.  For my own peace of mind.  It wasn't easy, and it took me a few decades to finally do it, and I've done it, and I need to resolve these feelings that come.

I talked to my partner about it today - and that was helpful.  He told me I have no reason to feel guilty - that I am not responsible for the actions of other people, and that I shouldn't take those on board.  I know he's right, but at the same time, I have felt responsible and I've felt bad about not being able to keep things together - and it's distressing to think about it sometimes.

But I have been feeling things strongly, and the grief that I feel is very potent and strong.  So I think that's good that I'm feeling it, rather than dissociating or comfort eating to numb myself.  Previously I would have been eating loads of chocolate treats - Easter is full of those - everywhere.  But I've not done that this year.  I am feeling the emotions, and I think that is progress.  So I am feeling positive about that.

I also feel the need to interact more in the forum - so I will try to do more posts in places where I can discuss thoughts and feelings with others, as that really helps too.  I hope to do that more this week - but I will see how I feel, as I know that saying I'll 'do' something can often make me feel pressured, and I don't need pressure on top of my other demands.  Bit like having a 'To Do' list that ends up stressing me out.

As I'm writing this, I notice that I feel a bit 'frustrated' - as if I'm not conveying what I want to say, as if I don't really know what I want to say or how to say it.  But thankfully I'm writing something, and that is making me feel better.  I feel like I'm over-critical - I wish I could just be without always looking and analysing my behaviour, etc - but at the same time, I feel a need to do so.  Dilemmas.

If anyone is reading this and wondering about starting a Recovery Journal - I would say that it does help - just getting words out can be good - I'm glad I can come here and communicate from time to time, as needed.  It really does help.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 16, 2017, 05:16:39 PM
Hope, thanks for writing. It might even inspire to go and write in my Journal again.

Good on you for sitting with your feelings and feeling them instead of eating Easter goodies.  :cheer: i can't say I've managed that.
Good on you for writing even if you feel that you're maybe not quite expressing what you want. I think that will come some time. That's my experience anyway, at some time the clarity comes but before it can be good just to write, maybe bringing the clarity a little nearer.
:hug: to you on this difficult holiday.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on April 18, 2017, 05:54:07 PM
Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for your message, and I was good for most of Easter - in terms of not comfort eating, but I did end up over-eating in the evening on Sunday night - so I could only last so long...  Never mind, it could have been worse...

Yes, I do hope to gain some clarity - and the thing is that there are moments of clarity now and again.  I can feel them and sense them, and that is what gives me some hope that things will get better.

Just having this forum and gaining strength and support from the great people on here - it means a lot.  It's somewhere to come and 'talk' and know that the people around will understand, and that they listen and really 'know' what a person is talking about.

We've got through the difficult holiday of Easter - that is progress in itself.   :)

Thanks for the  :hug: Blueberry, and wishing you the same.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on April 27, 2017, 03:58:41 PM
I had hoped to write more in other parts of the forum, but somehow I felt a bit 'frozen' when it came to expressing myself!!!  I guess it could be down to the fact I've been reading another book (I do read prolifically about self-help stuff as I am so eager to change and learn) - anyway, I'm reading a book by Steve Sisgold called "What's Your Body Telling You" - and it is really good so far. 

Maybe listening more to what's going on in my body is meaning that I'm attending more to bodily cues, and also my emotions too - what I'm 'feeling' as opposed to my tendency to 'think about things' and not really process them at a 'feeling' level. 

I've been reading things people write in the forum, and many things help so much to hear - I relate to so many things that others write.  I am really thankful that this forum is here - it is so helpful. 

I've got to a chapter in the book called 'Releasing Trauma' - so I'm hoping that will be helpful. 

That's all I feel I want to write in my Journal for today, but I am glad to have come back here and written something, as I know it helps me whenever I do.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on April 29, 2017, 06:56:03 PM
I finished that last book, and now I am 'without a book' to read - i.e. not managed to find another source to focus on - and as usual, I tried certain things - like focusing on my 'whole body' and what is going on in it - rather than my usual tendency to dissociate from what I'm feeling - and I know it was helpful to a degree, but at the same time, I can feel myself 'avoiding' things.

Maybe I just can't deal with things so well - my usual tendency is to obsess about things more and previously I ruminated a LOT of the time - I am thankful that more recently I've been able to be more 'in the moment' and 'mindful' of things around me - and that is a good thing.

Potential trigger here:
There's a big part of me that would like to be more 'open' in the other parts of the forum, and share more - I did disclose about some of my sexual abuse, and I found that to be really helpful - especially reading the validating replies, I was thankful for those.  However I avoided re-reading what I wrote for about a month, and then went there again and re-read it - and when I read the replies, I felt a hot flush of emotion in my face, and my inner core was very 'active' in terms of feeling intense emotions.

I am glad I wrote about it though - because having it 'out there' and away from me, and knowing that other people have 'read about it' is somehow comforting - I can't explain why that would be, but it is positive.

I did disclose about my sexual abuse when I saw a therapist previously, and she did validate my experience, and I wanted to tell her more about it really - but I felt that she didn't necessarily want to hear about it.  But maybe that was me that felt that, and wanted to protect her somehow...  I'm not sure.

I'd like to talk about other members in my FOO - but I fear that if I talk about those people, that somehow one of them will see what I've written, and recognise themselves.  I've seen that people have discussed this in the forum, and that others haven't been 'found' here - but I guess part of me is scared of a person from my FOO 'finding' me - I am 'no contact' with most of my FOO - and I feel VERY scared of the prospect of any of them having any contact with me.  I guess that must be my inner child being scared - rather than my adult self - as it feels like a primal fear, rather than any 'real threat'. 

I'd always done everything they wanted me to do, and I'd always been the 'golden child' in their eyes, and as long as I did that, things appeared to be fine on the outside, but inside I was 'dying' - my needs (emotionally and spiritually) weren't being met, I was mirroring the needs of my parents, and 'being' who they wanted me to be.  Now I am trying to discover who "I am" - what 'my needs are" - even what my preferences are. 

I relate to descriptions of being codependent, and I feel very fragile and small in certain situations. 

More recently, I have felt times when I feel stronger though, and that is a good thing.

My emotions have been more labile lately - e.g. watching TV programmes with any emotive content - I find I really end up crying or feeling strong emotions - I think this is a good thing, as I'm opening myself to 'feel' more rather than repressing and pushing it down. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 29, 2017, 09:09:53 PM
Hi Hope,
Good to hear more about you and how you're doing again.  :wave:
I found after I mentioned my fear of FOO figuring out who I am through my posts and various people posted that that had never happened, my fear dissipated fairly quickly all by itself. You've done a similar step here in mentioning your fear so it might just disappear too. I know it's hard to be patient and remain in the moment - which imo includes listening to body or emotions wanting to avoid certain topics till we're better able to deal.

I find that when I cry during films or when reading something sad that that's working as a release for my own emotions, which are often very pent up. I think it's a good thing too.

I'm curious: have you got your new doll yet? Or is she still wrapped up?
:hug: from Blueberry
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on April 30, 2017, 05:53:18 PM
Hi Blueberry,

Yes, I hope that my fear will dissipate, now I've mentioned it here, and I'm glad to hear that happened for you when you talked about it in another post.  You've made a very valid point about listening to body or emotions wanting to avoid certain topics till we're better able to deal with them too - I think that is such a relevant point.  Thank you.   :)

Yes, I did feel a sense of some 'release' of my emotions when crying in films etc - and I acknowledge my tendency to repress and have pent-up emotions otherwise.  So it's good to allow that release.  I am no longer fighting it - which means I can express the feelings better.

Yes!  My doll is now unwrapped - I felt really excited on the day I opened the parcel and very happy to have her in my life.  She is unusual - and beautiful, and I really appreciate the fact I have her in my life.   :)

Thanks for your reply - and hugs back to you as well  :hug:

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 01, 2017, 06:00:02 PM
It's a holiday here in the UK at the moment, so more time - I feel like I've 'wasted' it - not been very productive, but at the same time, I am not going to feel too bad about that, as I think I needed to chill out a bit and unwind.  Normally, I try to read whatever current 'self-help' book I'm into, but I've finished one, and don't have any more to turn to - I could go online and look for things, but I decided I should take a break from it.

But then I'm in a bit of a 'void' - wondering in what direction I should go. 

I have been a bit more 'open' with friends about my feelings - in that I've been sharing some issues or instances where I feel annoyed or upset about something - and this is different from what I'd normally do, which would be to say quiet and repress it - keep it to myself.  However, in the process of doing that, I end up feeling quite bad about what I've said - but thankfully I've had some very helpful responses from friends who have said that it's helped them to hear my thoughts or feelings about something.  So I should do more of that.

I was watching a film last night that had a codependent couple in it, and I wondered 'Am I codependent'?  But at the same time, is it so bad to be codependent?  I think it's nice to rely on a partner and feel loved and cared for, but maybe I am overly dependent on my partner. 

I still find that I have a censor that is stopping me from being more open in so many situations and scenarios.  One of the books I read, mentioned that it's important to live with authentic truths, and I know that my FOO kept so many things 'secret' from me, so many taboo subjects - and if only they had been able to be open and honest about things, then it would have been so much healthier for me and for them.  I feel sure of that.

On the occasions when I've been open with friends - I've found that they tend to reciprocate and the relationship deepens.  But I am aware of how carefully I choose who to share what with.  I know some people would cope and others wouldn't understand.

Even as I sit here writing this, I think - "What are you saying here?"  "Does this make ANY sense" - to you, to anyone?  Erase what you've written, stop it, don't write anymore.  What's the point.

But the point is that beginning to open up more about things that I've kept hidden and secret for years is such an important part of healing and making progress, and I feel sure that it's doing me good.  I feel like it goes in waves - in that I experience changes in mood, and levels of coping, but essentially - I AM coping.

I am sleeping better than I used to - since I've been coming to this forum and writing about things, I've not had many night terrors, and I've felt a greater sense that there are people out there who understand.

That is meaningful, and that is special. 

Anyway, I am glad to have written more today, even if my inner critic wanted me to erase it. 

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 01, 2017, 06:58:55 PM
Hope, I'm glad you wrote what you did and didn't erase it. It all made sense to me.

When I started opening up to friends, the relationships tended to deepen too. 

Public holiday here today too and it felt like I was wasting the time away, except that I had a realisation which I've written in my own Journal. A realisation coming and/or memory resurfacing is often preceded by a day or two of not being able to get on with things.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 05, 2017, 04:14:15 PM
Hi Blueberry,

Thanks for your comments, and it's good that we got through the recent Public holiday - I find those harder to cope with.

Your feedback that a realisation coming and/or memory resurfacing is often preceded by a day or two of not being able to get on with things is really helpful.  Thank you.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 05, 2017, 11:02:39 PM
Hi Hope, glad my comments helped. And am very happy you posted because I tend to forget that very realisation  :doh: which I suppose means that I've just been in another mild but long EF.

When I'm in a self-forgiving mood, I quite like Public holidays because they are days when I can do as I like, somehow. The country shuts down for the day: everything's closed, the centre of town where I live is really quiet (as opposed to Mon-Sat), and only select friends phone, nobody drops by. So I feel nobody is going to interrupt me from lying in bed all day if I feel like it, or being up but still in pyjamas (sometimes just deciding what to wear is triggering for me  :stars: ) at 2pm. But as I say, only works if I'm in a self-forgiving mood.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 06, 2017, 12:19:11 PM
Thanks Blueberry, I also like Public holidays too - less structure and being able to choose what to do. 

I also like weekends, and it's the weekend now!  Hurray!!!

My diary entry for today:

I'm just going to copy and paste what I wrote in another thread (about Dreams) for the continuity of reminding myself what I said, so here it is:

"I've decided to add to this thread, because I have had a couple more dreams this week - one was very realistic and involved me receiving a phone call (in my dream) from my FOO (Mum) telling me that my Dad was on his death bed, and my partner took the call, and told me she was on the phone - and what was happening.  I 'froze' which is what I would do if I received any phone call from her - I have been NC for a while now - but in the dream I ended up going to the phone, and saying to her 'I'm here' (I felt a surge of energy to enable me to do that, it felt 'assertive') but then she wouldn't speak on the phone at all, and I put the phone down.  Remember this is all a dream, and then I remember thinking about whether my Dad had died or not. 

I guess it's my subconscious mind worrying about these things, and the fact is that someday that scenario will happen, and I really don't know what I'm going to do.  Being NC has some testing aspects to it, but I think if I can't face them when they are alive and breathing, what can I do when they are gone?

I also had a 'night terror' (according to my partner) on a different night (last night) and he told me that I asked him if there was anyone else in the room with us, and that I had a rapidly beating heart and I was shaking and visibly upset and anxious - but I don't have any recall of that incident at all - I wouldn't have known about it if he hadn't told me about it.  I find that quite scary in some ways, as I think my heart must be being put through it's paces and I don't even know about it. 

I just wanted to put these dreams and experiences here, and I hope that I will have more peaceful experiences in the next few nights.  I am sleeping quite well - which is good. "

OK - to my thoughts and feelings about posting about that - I felt it was good to put it in the 'Dreams' post, because it was 'getting it out' and writing it down, but what happened for the hours after was a multitude of 'bad thoughts' about the fact I'd had such a dream - probably because in my 'ideal mind' I'd have loved a family that was close and healthy, and where I didn't end up being NC when my parents are older.  I think they are fit and healthy, as opposed to frail, but they are older, and somehow I feel like 'society' will judge me for choosing to be estranged from them.  I know that this community will not tend to judge - because you understand, but I couldn't stop myself from fearing that somebody might tell me 'How could you!' or similar words.

I guess it's my 'inner critic' at work there - but I posted it, and I am tolerating the thoughts better now as their intensity and frequency is lessening.

I HAVE made a decision regarding a 'move forward' to help myself to process some of my past memories etc - and I'm going to write a post about that in a minute to get people's ideas and thoughts.  So I'll do that now... 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 06, 2017, 12:28:33 PM
Not sure if I can copy and paste the link to the thread I just wrote, but it is here:

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6403.0

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 13, 2017, 06:40:01 PM

Trigger warnings: Mentioning Childhood Sexual Abuse in today's entry.

I've been getting myself organised this weekend, and been busy trying to sort out things to throw away, and things to keep.  Ended up looking at some photos, and saw myself with my FOO in some of those - and realised that I looked unhappy in those photos - like there was a smile on my face, but behind the smile was an emptyness portraying that I wasn't happy in them at all.  It made me feel sad.  But I was also able to compare more recent photos (since being NC with FOO) and realising that I have a smiley face that is more 'genuine' - and that I am happier without them in my life, than when they were.

Whilst I was sorting though things I found a self-help book (bearing in mind I buy lots of these and also get them out of the library too), and the one I found is called: "Rescuing the 'Inner Child': Therapy for Adults Sexually Abused as Children" by Penny Parks.  The book was written in 1990 and reprinted in 2008.  So I'm wondering how long ago I bought that book, because I can't ever remember reading it.

The reason for that is I felt unable to acknowledge my childhood sexual abuse in any real sense - in that I was scared to read about it and scared of what I might find out in books about it.  But today, having found that book, I felt that I 'can' read it - and so I started to read it, and found that I could actually focus on it - although it was triggering and I had some EFs - but I've managed to cope, and it's been ok.

One thing I read was that "the natural father is the most common aggressor, according to P.B. Mrazek, M. A. Lynch and A. Bentovim's 'Sexual Abuse of Children in the United Kingdom' (Child Abuse and Neglect, vol 7, 1983).  This had surprised the author of the book, and it also surprised me, but it made me feel that it wasn't so unusual as I had thought it was.

The book talks about people's experiences, and I really related to many of the examples given, and I felt less alone to read that other people have experienced things - and I felt angry towards my FOO for the fact that they weren't able to be the parents I would have liked them to be.

Normally I would read a book far too quickly, but this one I am pacing myself with, as it's too heavy to rush - and I don't want to dissociate - so I'm trying to slow down and process the information.   But I needed to get out and walk around and do more manual work to stop myself from thinking too much.

I've collected some coloured folders instead of envelopes for the Timeline exercise I am planning to do - and I will decide on what colour folder to have for each age range of my life - and then I can easily put any notes of memories in the right folder - as and when things surface.  I will be deciding on that tomorrow - so I'm making progress, and I feel good about that.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 14, 2017, 06:48:34 PM
**Trigger warning
I have finished reading that book about Childhood Sexual Abuse by Penny Parks.  It is a great book, but I am left with a horrible migraine - feels as if my left eye-ball is being 'squeezed' literally.  I know I ended up reading it too quickly, but I felt as if I focused on the examples and 'took in' the information.  I know I need to do some of the letter writing exercises - and I admit that feels a bit scary - but I am hopeful at the same time.  Not sure when I'll be able to start that though, as I am very busy next week - maybe next weekend or maybe I'll try one evening.

Penny Parks used real people's case examples in her book, and I related to many of the things they said, but what gave me a sense of positivity is that she mentioned that regardless of someone's experiences, there were good outcomes to be had by doing the exercises she suggested and she seemed to think it could be possible without a therapist - although obviously having a good therapist alongside would be advisable.

I am going to try the exercises by myself, but hope to talk about my experiences in this forum, as a support - that's the plan. 

I need to try to get rid of this migraine now, so I'm going to keep things calm and lie-down for a bit.  Just wanted to write something here, while I was thinking about it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 19, 2017, 06:41:14 PM
I've tried the writing to the inner child exercise - I realise I tried it back in March, just one time, but somehow I'd blocked out all memory of doing that - and only realised when I was reading back some of this journal...! 

Potential trigger warning here - abandonment feelings...
Anyway, I wrote as an 'adult self' using my dominant hand, and replied as my 'little self' - and what happened later that same day was that I felt such a heavy and depressed feeling - literally a feeling of extreme abandonment that saturated my whole being - and I had to go to bed and sleep for a bit to 'get away' from the gravity of that feeling. 

I know that a couple of you had warned me that it would evoke some strong emotions, but I had no idea how powerful it could feel.

Anyway, I think that after experiencing that, and the time after that, I have felt 'a bit better' - more energised and happier than I was before.  Lighter again.  So I am going to keep exploring this.  Also, I feel as if I've awoken my inner child, and that she will hopefully talk to me again - I am feeling that this is a good thing to do.  But I am going to take it very slowly as I was shocked by the intensity of those feelings I had. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 22, 2017, 05:01:41 PM
I have got such a headache today - I don't know why - I wish it would go away. 

I haven't read any self-help books at all this week - I was a bit shocked at how emotional I found the 'letter writing' exercise I tried with my dominant and non-dominant hands - last weekend.  I was thinking of doing it again this weekend, but I avoided it in the end. 

I know I need to pace this - and I know I'm making some progress, but I feel like I'm not good at 'feeling' my emotions.

Anyway, I wanted to express that here - and tell this headache to 'go away' - and somehow my journal seemed the best place to say just that. 

I really value this forum and being able to come and read what people write.  I'm glad I can write things here as well - and it really helps.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Wife#2 on May 22, 2017, 05:54:38 PM
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard day. Those headaches can be awful. I do believe that they precede good things sometimes. I hope that is the case today.

Well done on not allowing IC to erase your thoughts. You are allowed to have all of them. Just as you are allowed all of your feelings. Sometimes, folks can get so used to stuffing down their feelings that they lose touch with how to even feel them. Unpacking them is messy and sometimes painful. Still, it's necessary work.

I've also been guilty of pushing too hard, too fast from time to time. Just know we are here, we are listening and we care what you're going through. As hard as it can be, and the more you are tempted to 'take the bitter medicine fast', pacing yourself may be more healing in the long run. And this is a marathon, not  a sprint.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 23, 2017, 05:35:10 PM
Hi Wife2,
Thank you for your reply, and I agree that all our feelings are worthwhile, and that we should be allowed to express and 'feel' them all.  Yes, unpacking them can be messy and sometimes painful - but like you say, it's necessary work. 

It's good to know that people care in this forum, and I definitely want to pace things and not rush anything.

My headache has gone - I am relieved.   :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Wife#2 on May 23, 2017, 05:46:40 PM
 :hug: I'm so glad one thing is better today. Maybe it's not too much to ask for two things to go better for you today as well!  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 27, 2017, 06:03:11 PM
Thanks again Wife2 - that day seems a long way away now. 

I have still been suffering from milder headaches for the past few days - not sure why - maybe it's the hot weather - and some storms affecting the atmosphere - could be why.  I must drink more water - maybe I'm dehydrated. 

Anyway, it's the weekend, and I am glad.  I struggled a bit more to get through that last week, but I made it and here I am - on the weekend, and can reflect back.

I think I need to re-focus on my 'self-help' stuff - I know I can't keep on reading books - there are only so many in the world, and I really think I've read many of them!  But I find it hard to process my feelings, well - I find it hard to allow myself to feel them. 

I've just thought of something I want to discuss in another part of the forum, so I'm going to go and do that.  This is good - I suddenly thought of it, and it's something I'd like to ask others about - so I will try to find a place to mention it that fits.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 27, 2017, 06:41:44 PM
Potential Triggers here:

I just went round this forum, and wrote a couple of posts, and I am just back here in my Journal reflecting on the fact that it brought a LOT of emotion up doing that.  I wanted to describe the physical feeling of that emotion, as I've read Van der Kolk's book 'The Body Keeps the Score' (not sure if I've remembered that title correctly), but he talks about being aware of what the emotion 'feels' like and where it is expressed physically -  and it goes to my throat - i.e. I feel as if I'm being suffocated as if someone has their hands around my throat - and there's a wave of emotion as if I want to cry - the feeling of tears whell up, and I feel 'stifled'. 

When I was a small child I held lots of tension 'in' - i.e. my jaw hurt from clenching my teeth, and my throat was tight, I used to get pain in my neck, as if I held my body tightly and therefore any sudden movement could jerk me and hurt my neck. 

As an adult, I've learned to release that tension more - I don't clench my jaw anymore - I am grateful for that.  I can appear as if I'm incredibly 'laid-back' and 'relaxed' - but actually inside I don't necessarily feel the same - I can be swimming serenely as a swan, but have my feet paddling like mad underneath - if you know what I mean. 

Certain memories come to my mind, and I wonder whether to share them in the forum - and sometimes I feel brave to do so, and other times I feel as if they will make me feel too 'ashamed' - and then I realise my inner and or outer critics are stopping me from sharing them.  But I'm feeling braver as time goes on.  I think it really helps to get the memories or flashbacks 'out' and to have some kind of validation - or even just being able to 'speak' - it seems to really help.

There is a member of my FOO that I was never allowed to talk about, and that I kept a 'secret' my entire adult life - from most people, and therefore denied that person's existence, and yet, on the very few occasions when I tried to communicate about that person, I was unable to actually 'speak' - tears always accompanied any attempts on my part to speak - but someone explained to me that it is probably because there was 'internalised shame' relating to that person, and as no adult ever explained things to me, then all I could do is internalise the shame and secretiveness of the things that the adults weren't prepared to talk about.  I carried that within as a child, and it was a heavy thing to carry. 

I feel very emotional writing this, so maybe I'm going beyond my capacity to share - I think I need a break.  But I realise how emotive it is for me to even broach the subject of it. 

But you know, I'm glad I can write something about it - because that is progress - I think it's good.  Yes, I feel ok about it. 

But I'm going to take a break now, and do something relaxing. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blackbird on May 28, 2017, 06:41:44 AM
  :bighug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Wife#2 on May 30, 2017, 05:23:58 PM
Hope, that took such bravery. Give yourself a chance for some peace before continuing. Yes, just admitting that the shame is hiding below the surface, covering something for which you deserve no shame, but it's there all the same, is a HUGE accomplishment!

One thing I am learning here is that we must be kind to ourselves when we tap the really deep things. Yes, it can begin to get better, sometimes - usually. Still, it's scary because it's been covered so long, we aren't sure just how much is under there. So, be kind to yourself. You've acknowledged the cover. That's great. You have done a great thing for yourself.

:bighug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on May 31, 2017, 10:24:02 AM
Thank you so much Blackbird and Wife2 - I really value your replies.    :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on June 06, 2017, 04:01:49 PM
I am just writing today to say that I'll be away from the forum for about a month, maybe even two months - but I will be looking forward to getting back again, and re-connecting then.  I have things I need to focus on, and my circumstances are such that I know that I will have limited chance to pop in here - so I'd rather just wait till I can re-focus and return here properly. 

I'm not going to post this separately, as I am very bad with any form of 'goodbye' - I find it triggering in many ways, like Abandonment.  Hence, I'm just writing it here, and I just wanted to say that I will really look forward to being back and able to post here again in a few weeks time, and I will miss the forum in the meantime, but I am really happy to know that you'll be here when I am back and able to join in again.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 15, 2017, 12:48:25 PM
So I'm back again, after a period 'away' - and it feels good to be here and re-connecting with this great forum.  I noticed a part of the forum called 'The Porch' yesterday, and although I didn't actually write anything in that section, I somehow felt 'part of it' by imagining I was sitting on that porch and re-connecting with some of the people I've recognised within the forum. 

I've purposefully avoided reading any 'self-help' books for a while, as I was getting a bit overly obsessed with them - and the distance and space has felt good.

I haven't made any progress on my 'time-line' - but I am intending to start putting down some memories in writing and use coloured folders to keep them in 'time-frames' - and I hope to start that next week. 

I can't afford therapy at the moment, and so I will stick to trying to gain support via this forum and also seek out further self-help books and resources, but hopefully without overwhelming myself.

My sleep has been better.  I am happy about that.

I've been comfort eating a bit though, and I've gained some weight.  I hope I can reverse that.  I'll see what I can do.  It's hard to turn to other things - when food seems to numb me, and give me 'comfort' - but then I feel bad for over-eating.

Glad to be back in the forum, and hope to pop in regularly again - as and when I feel up to it and when I feel the need to re-connect with supportive people in a supportive place.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 15, 2017, 01:37:49 PM
Welcome back! We've held a spot for you on the porch ;)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 15, 2017, 03:52:06 PM
Hello Hope,  :wave: It's good to see you back! I'm glad your break from here and reading self-help books has been helpful for you.

The Porch is a great place, and it's magic so there's room for everybody. You can add your own elements of healing as you wish.
Blueberry
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 16, 2017, 01:03:07 PM
Hello ThreeRoses and Blueberry,

It means a lot to have your lovely messages here - thank you!!!   :)

It's good to be back. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Wife#2 on July 17, 2017, 12:18:26 PM
Welcome back, Hope! We've missed you and been thinking of you.

Please, join the healing porch when ever you want, however you want. You don't have to post over there, we'll enjoy feeling your kind presence there.

It's good to pace yourself and be patient with yourself when therapy is not in the budget. You are showing again what great insight and wisdom you have.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 18, 2017, 03:51:53 PM
Thanks so much Wife2, that means a lot - and I found The Porch to be such a magical and homely place - even though I just looked around in there, and read what people said, I felt like I was 'part of it' and it felt grounding, so thank you so much for setting it up - great idea and everyone who contributes there is fantastic.  I am sure there will be many more who 'pop by' and enjoy it too.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Lingurine on July 18, 2017, 04:33:32 PM
Hope66, welcome back, so sorry to hear you have to do without therapy, hopefully you find comfort and support here.

:hug:

Lingurine
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 19, 2017, 06:49:45 AM
Lingurine, thank you so much.  I really appreciate you saying that.  :-)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 19, 2017, 03:34:35 PM
So, how am I feeling today?  I feel the need to write a few things down, but again, lack of clarity regarding exactly what I want to write, and indeed, lack of clarity about how I'm feeling.

Yesterday I managed to write some things down on my 'timeline' - which is an account of my childhood memories, and some descriptions of things that have come to mind.  I felt good about that, but realise that it's made me feel more emotional and triggered as a result.

But it was a start, and I am happy to have done that.

I feel like I'd like to open up more on the forum, and share more things - but I feel tentative about it at the moment.  I feel like I need to be 'brave' and 'go for it' - and I know that the forum is supportive and that it will help me to open up more.  So I hope to do so over time.  Taking tentative steps and trying to pace myself.

I am hoping that this week will be positive and that I can achieve some things.  Just writing that is helping me to 'look forward' - I've been used to ruminating and feeling 'stuck' in the past - and I know I want to work on the past, but that I also want to 'live' in the 'here and now' and make the most of my life and begin to develop more of a sense of 'self' and 'who I am' as a person. 

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 22, 2017, 01:24:22 PM
Ok, so it's the weekend, and I have 'time' - nothing planned so time sits infront of me, and I want to focus on some things - but somehow I can't focus - I can't 'get on' with anything - I am procrastinating.  I keep making lists - trying to prioritise things, but then thinking that I don't know where to start.

I guess I feel a bit over-whelmed - I had a difficult day yesterday - I was trying to focus on working, but kept getting distracted by an issue that had upset me.  I'd also recently written things down in my 'timeline' and I suppose it's caused me to ruminate about some things again - but I was pleased that I decided to write about my feelings in a 'letter to FOO' which is in the other section of this forum.  It made me feel incredibly anxious to write that, and I felt the heat of what I can only describe as 'toxic shame' - which burned me and then various inner critics clamoured to be heard, and told me off for writing it - but thankfully as time passed, I felt better, and I was especially grateful to 'Clarity' who wrote and validated my writing with her reply. 

Anyway, I realise that part of my problem currently lies in not really 'focusing' on any one thing for 'sufficient' time to really process it. 

I've been reading self-help books, avidly, for recent years, and I'm only now beginning to 'write about' my feelings and thoughts and 'share' them - and I wish I'd started that process years ago - I feel sure it would have helped.

I'm writing this today, but again, feeling a lack of direction.  I need to 'plan' things - work things out, and go forward in a direction that makes sense.

I am sure I will get that purpose and intent - I just need to find it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 22, 2017, 05:12:27 PM
There was me, thinking about my 'lists' 'my plans' and my 'lack of direction' - and now I ended up going to bed and sleeping for about 2 hours.  Before I fell asleep, I felt such a 'low feeling' - deep in the pit of my stomach - felt all-encompassing, felt 'hopeless' - but I just allowed myself to 'ride that feeling out' and I fell asleep, and now I have woken, had some food, and I feel ok.

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 22, 2017, 07:51:51 PM
Yay Hope  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Way to go. Sometimes allowing ourselves to simply sleep is healing in the long-term and helpful in the short-term.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 26, 2017, 07:44:02 AM
Thanks so much, Blueberry - your support means a lot.

I am going to attempt to write more about myself today, because I think it will help me to move forward if I am more open and honest with how things are.  If anyone reads this, and wants to comment, then please do – as I would value feedback. 

My parents have never been honest with me.  They have expected and encouraged me to say that I am an only child, with no brothers or sisters, and I have been too scared to challenge this, and have gone along with it, for most of my life.

But I remember that I have an older sister – but I don't remember much about her.  I last saw her when I was 8 years old, and I've not seen her since.  I didn't know if she was alive or dead, but I hoped that she was out there somewhere, and I hoped she'd try to find me.  She never did.  But I have found out that she didn't look for me, because she thought I was ok, and that she assumed that the whole FOO didn't want her in our lives, including me.  She had been made to believe she was the unwanted child in our family.

Even talking about the fact I have a sister – which I only did maybe 2 or 3 times – caused me to cry, and I think that's because it felt traumatic to think about her and talking about her had always been 'taboo'. 

The last time I saw my FOO, (my parents), which is a few years ago now,  I mentioned my sister – and the reaction felt 'catastrophic' in its intensity.    They refused to talk about her or what had happened.

I've been NC with my FOO for a few years now, and a couple of years ago, I contacted an organization who helped me to find my sister, and over the past year I have been in regular contact with her via E-mail.  We've also sent Birthday cards for the first time that I can ever remember!  This is a positive thing, but it has also meant facing lots of emotions and feelings.  But I think it's real progress in understanding some things about my FOO, and filling in some of the missing pieces.

***Possible Triggers  TW regarding abuse****
My sister has told me how things were from her perspective, and I have been shocked by her experiences.  She was definitely the scape-goated child in the family – she experienced a range of abuse – physical, sexual, emotional - she told me that she was treated badly in so many ways.  She was also away for periods of time in Children's homes, which was why my memories of her are so sketchy – she literally wasn't at home for much of our childhood.

It took me about 4 decades to 'get away' from my FOO, whereas she 'escaped' from their 'lack of care' when she was just 16 years old.  She has had a very tough life, but she told me that she feels free.

I am still trying to find that sense of freedom, as I still feel 'guilty' for breaking away from them, and leaving their excessive control behind. 

What is difficult for me at the moment is that I feel sure that my sister thinks I was the Golden Child in the family, because she thought I got 'everything I wanted' – yes, I did have many material gifts from my FOO, and it would have appeared as if I was the child that they wanted, whereas she was the child they didn't want – but I feel as if I have been imprisoned for decades, and I feel bad for allowing myself to take that role.    It's tough to try to support her through her own memories, but also to look after myself. 

But never knowing what had happened to her – knowing I last saw her when I was just 8 years old, and having memories of the tension and angst that was around when I was small, it made the little me very very scared – and I was therefore trying to be a 'good daughter' to escape whatever fate I thought had happened to my sister.  Noone told me what had happened to her.  Noone talked about her.  Infact sometimes I wondered if I'd 'imagined' her – and if she was even a real person.  I am so glad that she is a real person, and that she does exist.

I'm glad I've managed to write this, and to share it here in this journal.  I think that's a positive step, but it also feels like a big step, so I hope I cope ok with having shared it.   Thank you for reading this, it feels good to no longer be alone with all of this.    I have a supportive partner, but it's good to share it with people in the forum, as I know you'll understand.

Hope  :)




Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Lingurine on July 26, 2017, 09:14:38 AM
Dear Hope, how brave of you to write this down. I can only imagine how awful this must have been. Not knowing where your sister went and being feared that the same thing might happen to you. I'm so sorry for that. So brave of you also, to find her! Maybe it's an idea to meet her in person and share some of your experiences about childhood. It might help you going forward. The isolation you feel, she must have felt too.

I hope you keep writing about this.

Lingurine
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Wife#2 on July 26, 2017, 12:54:44 PM
Hope, I am so sorry for what you had to survive. I can't imagine the feelings of doubt and betrayal. I have sisters who are that much older and who were in the home to adulthood, still I don't have a lot of memories of them. Their experiences of Mom and Dad are completely different than mine. So, I hope this helps you not feel bad that you have very sketchy memories of her from childhood. Even more so since she was sent out of the home so often.

Writing about this - and not deleting it - was very brave. This is a scab on your childhood. Being told to deny reality and maintain the family lie was a tremendous burden to put on a child. It's completely logical that this family lie terrified you. Along with everything else you survived, this is one more layer of abuse, and a pretty big one at that!

:hug: to little Hope, who was terrified and got lies instead of comfort.  :hug: To adult Hope, who showed bravery finding your sister and trying to build a relationship with her.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 27, 2017, 10:30:30 AM
Lingurine & Wife2 - Thank you both for your comments, and your supportive and lovely replies - I read them yesterday, and felt emotional, but in a good way, because it meant a lot that you validated my experiences, and said what you said.  Thank you both.   :)

It's a huge relief to have finally put that information 'out there' - because essentially to 'keep family secrets' is such a burden, especially on a small child, and you're right, that it's not fair to ask a child to keep a lie like that.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on July 29, 2017, 01:41:27 PM
It's the weekend and I am feeling quite emotional today - I can't really identify the triggers, but I wanted to write in my Journal here, because it usually helps me to do that - and I am glad it's here - as a 'safe haven' to come to. 

I know it was a big step for me to share more of my personal circumstances in this forum - and I don't regret that at all - it was a step I should have taken years ago - to be more open and honest about what was happening in my life, and I do wish I had been able to do that, but I had felt 'bound and gagged' - in so many ways. 

Language is a fascinating thing - I've written that, and now I'm surprised to see the choice of words that came out - they are so visceral and physical in meaning, and I wonder why certain themes come when we're writing. 

I think amongst my emotions today - there is a sense of 'grief' but also some 'anger' below the surface.  I don't access my anger very often, it is normally repressed away, and I guess I don't like it that I can feel it bubbling away underneath. 

I wrote about a dream I had in another part of this forum, and the fact that part of me had felt 'mischevious' at the thought of my M chasing me in her car - but not finding me in the dream.  The inner critic in me ended up pursuing me for a while after I wrote that, telling me I was horrible for laughing at my M in a dream.  That's the thing, I have such 'guilt' at the same time as knowing that a relationship with my FOO is un-tenable. 

I think I need to look at what 'guilt' means - and why I feel 'guilty'.  I think I need to look at that, and try to understand it.

I recommended Pete Walker's book to another forum member today - and you know, I'm already thinking - "I can't remember what he said in the book" - and yet I've read it and re-read it about 3 times in total.   I feel like I should know what's in the book, and have 'sorted myself out' by reading it, but I know that it's not that simple - I've read lots of books over the years, and I search for things to help me reflect and understand, and yet I can often feel directionless with it.

I am pleased to be writing this here, because I am going to 'leave that feeling' here, and hopefully try to focus on something - and then I will find some direction for a while.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on July 29, 2017, 01:45:00 PM
 :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on August 01, 2017, 06:35:12 PM
Thanks so much 3 Roses  :)

So, I just wanted to reflect on how I've been feeling this past couple of days - I've noticed that I am more emotional - but in respect to feeling 'annoyed' by things that wouldn't normally bother me, and that I've felt like I want to 'eat more' - and seek out comforting foods - but I have managed to stop myself doing that - and I've kept busy with my work and also tried to do more in the evenings as well - and so far - so good.  I am doing ok.

I discovered that I had awakened an angry 'inner critic' - or 'outer critic' - not sure which - not sure of the terms I should use there, but basically some very 'critical part' of me was awakened - and I know that was because I shared some personal things in the forum - and previously I would never do something like that for fear of some kind of 'retribution' - but basically - what can happen?  I doubt my FOO would ever find their way here, and even if they did, all I've talked about is things that anyone should be able to discuss with anyone of their choosing. 

It is my choice to share that - and my choice to speak out about how I am thinking and feeling about things. 

That should be a freedom that any person has - throughout their life - the right to be authentic, and true to their own feelings and thoughts.  Not to have to repress things, keep them inside, be controlled and assume some kind of outward facade - which is how I felt obliged to be for much of the time. 

A chance to relax, talk about things, open up - be free. 

This forum enables that sharing and validation - and is precious.  A safe haven where people understand.  I appreciate each and every person who comes here - I often read replies and posts and see such strength and courage in people. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on August 05, 2017, 06:53:37 PM
Just wanted to reflect on the past few days - I've found it harder to cope this week - in that I've been feeling more emotional, and experiencing some feelings of what I can only describe as 'grief' - feelings of intense sadness, mixed with some anger, and some frustration too. 

I am used to dissociating more, and I certainly have experienced that as well - and it reached a point where I thought I was going to faint or lose my consciousness at a couple of points, but I managed to calm myself and I felt I recovered after a bit.  I was able to see that I'd triggered that by reading a letter from a friend, and I had realised she'd written some very emotive things - which when I'd first read the letter I had somehow 'failed to see' - and that bothers me, that I could basically be 'blind' to what she had written - as if my brain had 'shut off' and 'refused to see it' - and I felt so strongly 'touched' by the words in her letter, that it made me feel very very emotional as a result.

Whilst I feel as if this all represents a difficulty in coping, I realise that it is probably a 'healthier' way for me - in that I am finally 'feeling' things more - and thankfully that also includes some positive feelings too - I found myself being really involved in the experience of enjoying the scenery - the leaves in the garden, the flowers, and thinking how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful world that has such beautiful things - like flowers and leaves and trees.

So it's been a 'mixed' week of 'mixed emotions' - but I feel 'better for feeling more intensively' - and I think I've dissociated less frequently - although my experience of nearly fainting frightened me a bit, as I've not experienced that much before.  Maybe it was something else, I'm not sure.

I've had some dreams the past few nights as well - with themes of 'hiding things' from my FOO - and trying to 'evade being seen by them' - and it almost felt like I was in some kind of film - as if it wasn't really real - just a 'drama' unfolding kind of thing.  Weird.  Then last night's dream was about a city that was under water, and it was like a tragedy - and I felt that death was likely - it was scary, but somehow I survived it all.  I was relieved when I finally woke and realised it wasn't true.  That one had been more 'realistic' - and therefore more believable in my mind.

I've had strong urges to over-eat, but somehow I've managed to fight those off, and I haven't resorted to food - I've tried to do other things - and doing some exercise is helping.  So I hope that I can continue with that, as a way of coping.

There have been occasions when I've felt 'like a small child' and as if I am very 'dependent' and 'can't look after myself' - which is strange as I am definitely an adult, and I can look after myself - but I feel as if somehow noone really 'regards me' as an adult - and that they assume I'm still a child.   As if they overlook me.  Actually, I think I'm assuming that they 'take me for granted' - and I'm wondering where those thoughts are coming from, because the reality of that is that they probably don't treat me that way.  It is just me thinking that they do.

As I write this, there is a 'critical voice' which says "What are you doing?  You're writing jibberish.  Who can understand what you're going on about" - but I will not edit this, I will leave it as it is - because I have written it, and I wanted to allow my thoughts to 'free-flow' a bit in this journal today.  And that is what I'm doing.

But I need to go now, so I'll go.  Someone has just come in, and I need to go.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Candid on August 06, 2017, 08:08:34 AM
Quote from: Hope66 on August 05, 2017, 06:53:37 PM
Then last night's dream was about a city that was under water, and it was like a tragedy - and I felt that death was likely - it was scary, but somehow I survived it all.  I was relieved when I finally woke and realised it wasn't true. 

Yes, Hope66. Somehow you survived it all. A psychiatrist recently told me the content of a dream is largely irrelevant; the feelings within the dream are the message: you were scared, in danger, and death seemed likely. But you survived, not even noticing how you did it.

Your journal shows you're in the process of waking, and beginning to see that the things your M taught you about yourself weren't true.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on August 12, 2017, 09:28:28 AM
Hi Candid,
Thank you so much for your reply - it is really helpful, and I will concentrate more on the 'feelings' in dreams - in attempting to work out their meaning. 
Yes, I think you're right that I am 'waking' in many ways, and becoming more in tune with my feelings and thoughts, as opposed to dissociating/blocking/avoiding them.  It is a positive process, although it has its ups and downs too. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on August 12, 2017, 10:02:40 PM
Quote from: Hope66 on August 12, 2017, 09:28:28 AM
Yes .. I am 'waking' in many ways, and becoming more in tune with my feelings and thoughts, as opposed to dissociating/blocking/avoiding them.   

Yay for you Hope!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on August 14, 2017, 06:51:56 PM
Thank you Blueberry  :hug: - I appreciate your  :cheer:   :)

So, here I am today - feeling a bit directionless with what to do - feeling more triggered so far this week - and it's only Monday...  I'm reading yet another book - this one is by Paul Gilbert and it's called 'The Compassionate Mind' - and so far it's very good.  It's about learning to be compassionate to myself and to other people.  Learning to be Mindful and to do things Mindfully.  I relate to some of the things he's saying.  I think he writes a lot of sense.

Emotionally - I am getting more in touch with what I'd describe as a mix of feelings - some grief for the loss of the 'normal' relationships that most people have - and learning and understanding more about the differences for me in terms of growing up with a narcissistic mother - how my autonomy and sense of individuality was compromised by that, and I tried hard to be a 'people-pleaser' to the detriment of my own freedom.

I also feel quite a bit of 'guilt' and 'shame' - because I feel like I should have continued the facade that we were a 'happy family' - because my going NC with them has meant that the happy facade is broken.  I feel responsible for that in many  ways, and as if I've broken a taboo - and that I should have stayed strong and got through things. 

But I was crumbling inside, and much of my strength was ambushed by the toxicity of it all - the sheer blackness and fear of being engulfed by it. 

I broke away, and I escaped.  My sister did that years ago, as soon as she could.  I've found out that she was essentially raised by our Grandparents - whereas I was raised by our parents - and comparing our experiences I realise she appears to have come to terms with things much better than I have.  She is living her life without excessive ruminations, whereas I have been ruminating for the past few years - infact probably my entire life trying to make sense of things, and understand what went on, and why things happened as they did.

Whilst I'm writing this, I can feel that I am in touch with some anger about this. 

Little me wonders why my sister didn't come back for me - and help me to escape.  She left me - I feel abandoned by that, but I expect she needed to escape and didn't look back.

If only people had talked to me and explained things - I could have understood, but I know that they weren't capable of talking about things, or expressing things in a reasonable way.  It was dysfunctional, it was covert, it was all things hidden.

I feel a massive rush of emotion as I write this - like I want to sob, but it can't get out. 

I think I know the way forward for me, and I think I need to do some 'writing of letters' - to share my emotions and my feelings, and I hope to do that in the forum, in the 'Letter section' - but I need to ensure I am 'safe' and 'stable' enough to do that - so maybe later in the week, when I am a bit less busy.  I'll work up to it.  The time will be right, and then I'll do it.  So I'm writing it now, so I know my plan of action, and I'm glad I wrote today in my Journal - as a way forward has presented itself.  I felt directionless, and now I know what I will do.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on August 19, 2017, 06:38:10 PM
Just wanted to update my journal - I've shared a letter to my M in the 'Recovery Letters' section, and it was called 'I Feel Torn' - and it took me a few days to post it after I'd written it - but it was my partner who encouraged me to share it, as he said 'Why not' - maybe you need to see what people say, and I am glad I did, because 3Roses and Blueberry both validated my feelings, and that felt positive and meaningful to me. 

I feel as if I've been experiencing more EF's since I posted it, because I feel quite panicky and I've been feeling horrible sinking feelings - difficult to describe really - but I don't like the feelings.  But it's not all the time, and I am able to distract myself and ground myself too.  It's worse at night-time, but that is usual for me - I think night-time can be challenging as it's dark, and the mind can wander off more. 

I've been reading a book about Compassion, and it has been helpful so far.  It talks about Acceptance of feelings, rather than challenging them - or at least that is what I took away from it - the book talks about many things - but as usual I am reading quickly through it, and not really 'doing' any of the exercises - I really think there's part of me that is scared of 'feeling too much' - and I guess that's good, as I'm pacing myself - rather than rushing into anything.

Now, I'm sitting here and wondering what to write - and nothing is coming to mind.  I'm sitting and thinking - what am I feeling right now?  I feel anxious - like there's a lump in my throat and I feel thirsty. 

I got triggered by something today, and felt very tearful - but now that I think back to it, I can't remember what it was that specifically triggered that. 

I do feel that writing a 'letter' regarding my feelings is a useful process - but it's a painful one too - but at the same time, I'm glad I'm working on that, as I think it is helpful to me. 

I'm repeating myself now, so I'll stop writing.  But I'm glad I wrote something here today - I think it's also a good process to keep up with this Journal. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on August 19, 2017, 06:52:15 PM
Hi Hope,

:thumbup: for writing and expressing what you are feeling right now, what writing the unsent letter stirred in you.

I have also experienced EFs and  other flashbacks after expressing something about my childhood. I also figure it's because I wasn't allowed to say anything as a child, nobody outside FOO was supposed to notice anything wrong. That was a total taboo so now when I explain something about my past, most or the whole of FOO arrives in my head and feelings, saying "No, No,  No, How dare you say this?" That's enough to catapult me into an EF.

I was really impressed by your letter - you managed to write so much and so coherently. Mostly I have to stop after a few lines when writing something like this. It's an EF. My brain goes on strike.

Good on you for being able to distract yourself and ground yourself.
Blueberry
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on August 21, 2017, 07:01:52 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I relate whole-heartedly to all the things you wrote there - it's extremely validating to hear that.  Thank you so much.  Any 'Taboo' subject that a child is made to keep secret - it is such a heavy burden on such a small person - most adults would find it hard to adhere to such rigid rules, and yet we were expected to keep things to ourselves in that way - and not have appropriate support or help.   Horrible. 

I do think it's helping me a lot to finally be 'speaking out' and sharing my thoughts, and feelings, and being in a community where people truely 'get it'.

So, my journal entry today - I found it more challenging yesterday as I had to visit with my partner's relatives, and although they are lovely to me - I know they don't understand my 'background' - basically because they don't understand why I'm estranged - I've not told them the ins and outs of it, and I don't want to.  I don't think they'd understand. 

I am relieved that I'm through that experience now, and I did cope ok, but it took a lot of energy, and it was quite triggering too - but I feel calmer today - and I am relieved about that.

I know it's the Eclipse tonight, but I can't see it - it's too overcast here.  But I am thinking of everyone in the World who might be able to see it right now, and hoping that they are enjoying the experience. 

I find I am unable to write anymore now, as my mind has gone blank...  So I'll leave it there for now.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on August 27, 2017, 08:02:02 PM
I just want to touch base with my Journal, as it feels like a 'grounding place' for me somehow.  I have disclosed more of my childhood sexual abuse - and received some incredibly validating replies from Blueberry and 3Roses.  I feel like I'm dissociating now, and I feel a bit 'high' - I'm going to try to 'ground myself' and watch TV - hopefully nothing too triggering.

I feel quite a lot of emotion inside - a 'whoosh' of emotions all flitting and flying around and clamouring against each other.  Strangely I also feel as if I've been 'naughty' - doing something I shouldn't do - probably the speaking out and raising something that has been 'taboo'.  The good thing about that is that I believe that I am 'safe' - and I can't be 'punished' for speaking out - I think I was scared before that something terrible would happen if I spoke out.  Like having a wolf at the door, and being too frightened to open it.  Fear of the unknown. 

Bank holidays are tough - but I have some plans for tomorrow, and hopefully it will go ok. 

I've finished my book about Compassion - it was ok, but it felt quite 'generic' and I didn't feel it 'touched me' emotionally like some other books I've read.  So I'll be looking out for another book to read - I might re-read something - as often it's like reading the book for the 'first time' - which worries me about how much I actually take in when I first read them... 

I feel as if I'm floundering here to find my words - so I'll stop writing now.  I just wanted to write something.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 28, 2017, 03:50:16 AM
hope, when i first began posting about my ex's sexual addiction, i, too, felt like i was speaking about something taboo, something that needed to remain hidden.  i was his confidante, so i should keep his secrets.  isn't that how it goes?

the more i speak to this, the easier it gets.   i am not the one with the addiction, (i've been open about mine), i'm not the one denying there is a problem, i'm not the one who did things that put him in harm's way, and i'm not the one who spoke lewdly about our daughters. 

i still get an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach (it's there now) and i'm not sure if it's fear or disgust or shame - maybe a combo - for speaking out about something that is not right, that's wrong.  maybe it's guilt for not doing more to protect myself and my daughters, for allowing him to remain with us even tho i couldn't comprehend just what was going on or why.

anyway, hope, bringing these taboos out into the open is so very difficult.  i hate it, but i also know it's important to do it in order to be free of the role of secret-keeper for something that shouldn't have ever been.   i'm very glad you are safe.  i don't ever feel quite safe as long as he is alive because both my daughters have chosen to continue having a relationship with him.  they're adults, they know, it's their choice, but they're my daughters, and the thought of him even talking to either one makes my skin crawl.  i distract myself from that as much as i can.

thank you for allowing me this space in your journal.  sending you a hug of peace and comfort. 
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on August 30, 2017, 06:21:23 PM
Hi San,
I read your reply a couple of days ago, and it meant a lot - I've just popped back today - I think you are spot-on with regard to how difficult it has been for me to share my 'taboo' subjects with people, but how validating it has been to do so, and I think that each time I do so, it helps me to move towards some progress in working things through. 
Thank you again.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 02, 2017, 06:16:05 PM
To update my Journal today, I have found last week quite tough - but I'm thankful to have got through things and reached the weekend - I really like weekends - except for Bank holiday ones - which last week was - somehow those 'holiday' weekends trigger me - but this weekend is a normal one, and that's been fine.  :)

I realised a 'theme' from my childhood this week - and I wanted to write about it here - I realise that I have felt 'responsible' for trying to keep my family together - although it would be ridiculous for a little child to be able to do that - and so it's as if I felt I had the 'power' to do that, but was actually 'powerless' - if that makes sense.  I used to do some 'ritual counting' as a small child, and would think that if I didn't do a certain number of repetitions or counting to the number of people in my family - then one of them would disappear.  The irony being that for part of my childhood there were 4 of us - i.e. my parents and my elder sister - and then my elder sister 'disappeared' - noone told me why she didn't live with us, and I always lived as if on 'egg-shells' to ensure that I didn't follow a similar fate to her - I kept counting to 3, and hoping that myself and my parents would be ok.

Anyway, that feeling that it was down to me to keep my FOO 'being ok' has followed me through much of my life - and clearly I couldn't keep things ok - because it was always dysfunctional and it was never 'ok'.  So I was setting myself up for failure from the start, and I could never make things right.

I was re-reading some diary notes I'd made over the past few years - and realised that my FOO had attempted to 'hoover me' back into their control on numerous occasions, but without acknowledging that my feelings mattered - they suggested to me that I was 'ill' - even asking if I had had a 'nervous breakdown' (to use their terminology) - and I suppose that because I haven't been acting how I would have done, under their control, that I must be seen as being abnormal in some way - and no recognising that a lifetime of 'control' would produce someone who finds it hard to break free.

But I 'have' broken free - I am estranged and no longer under their control - although psychologically I think they still reign over me in some ways - and I need to work myself free of those remaining ties - and I have been 'speaking out' about the secrets I was asked to keep - and I am no longer holding those secrets within myself.  It is like putting down a heavy burden, and having some help with unpacking and dealing with those things. 

I am so grateful to the supportive people in this forum, and also to my FOC (family of choice) who have been supportive - of course I wish I could have realised a way to get free many decades ago, but it is never too late - and there is plenty of life left to live - so I hope that I can live those remaining years without carrying the burden of secrets, and that I can discover 'who' I am, 'what I love' and 'how' I would like to live.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on September 02, 2017, 09:10:28 PM
 :applause: :applause: That final paragraph sounds really optimistic and positive, Hope  :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 03, 2017, 02:27:54 AM
i think those psychological strings that hold us to foo are the strongest of all, and can be the most difficult to deal with.   kudos to you, hope, for breaking at least some of them by becoming your true you.  such courage and determination!  big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 14, 2017, 06:37:25 PM
Hi Sanmagic,
Thank you so much for your lovely comment here - I really appreciate it. 

Journal Entry for today:
I've been 'away' from the forum since 2nd September - or thereabouts - so that's 12 days - I realise I've lost track of time, but that's ok.  I think I suffered a bit from 'over-processing' things - and I think I dissociated quite a bit as a result, but as the week progressed, I felt like I was getting in touch with some really strong emotions - and instead of pushing them aside, I tried to 'let them be' and 'feel them' - rather than intellectualise them - or 'work them out' - the feelings were akin to 'grief' really - feeling upset at how things have 'turned out' -  but also acknowledging that I've accomplished quite a lot in the past few years - in terms of breaking away from my FOO, and beginning to develop as my own person. 

I've also been reading a book by John Bradshaw called 'Family Secrets: The Path from Shame to Healing" and I've nearly finished it - and it is the 2nd time I've read that book.  As is typical, I felt as if I was reading the book for the 'first time' - despite having read it before, and I think it's because I am now 'ready' to accept some of the things written there - and I 'think' that I'm ready to try to do some of the Exercises he recommends in the book - mainly to do with developing a Genogram of my FOO and working out the various 'family secrets' and how they all fit together with my experience.   There's a lot to process in his book, but I think what I need to do is actually try some of the exercises - and I will hope to try to do so.

Interesting that whilst I was reading it, I got headache on the left-hand side of my head - not sure what significance that has, but I am trying to listen to messages that my body might be telling me - knowing how much the "Body remembers" - I want to be open to more things, and not miss anything that might be relevant.

I popped in the forum this morning, and felt 'speechless' - I tried to reply to someone's post, but felt I couldn't 'say anything' - felt tongue-tied, but I did say 'something' - so that was good!

I think I'd also like to take more account of my EF triggers - and look at them more - and maybe keep a diary to see the links between them.  I don't like to be 'hijacked' and not understand where or why it is happening, but I should be used to that by now. 

I feel as I write that, as if some critical voice is scathing about it - but I'm not going to heed that - and I will keep the words I'm writing here - this Journal is important to me, and I want it to be authentic and 'real' - meaningful and something I can look back at and read - and see what was going through my mind.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on September 14, 2017, 09:21:52 PM
Just want to say that you seem to be making lots of progress, both in recognising things (e.g. reading book as if for first time because you're now open and ready for the messages; e.g. feeling physical pain and being able to link it to some process) and in allowing the emotions to be and just to sit with them. Yay you!  :cheer: :cheer:  :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: AphoticAtramentous on September 15, 2017, 06:12:40 AM
Quote from: Hope66 on September 14, 2017, 06:37:25 PMI felt like I was getting in touch with some really strong emotions - and instead of pushing them aside, I tried to 'let them be' and 'feel them' - rather than intellectualise them - or 'work them out' - the feelings were akin to 'grief' really - feeling upset at how things have 'turned out' -  but also acknowledging that I've accomplished quite a lot in the past few years - in terms of breaking away from my FOO, and beginning to develop as my own person. 
That's really good to hear, Hope. :) I'm still trying to figure out how to 'let my emotions be', so I'm impressed you're managing to try all that!
Quote
I think I'd also like to take more account of my EF triggers - and look at them more - and maybe keep a diary to see the links between them.  I don't like to be 'hijacked' and not understand where or why it is happening, but I should be used to that by now. 
I had a similar idea myself. It can be really frustrating to be moody and upset over seemingly nothing. Good luck with that diary. ^^
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 16, 2017, 01:48:19 PM
Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for your validating comments, which I value a lot.  I missed you too!   :hug:

Hi AphoticAtramentous,
Thanks for what you said - I really appreciate it - and I'd like to wish you well with the diary idea - as I know you've thought of it as well - and I hope very much that it goes well. 
I find I am 'full of good intentions' but don't always 'follow through' - so whilst I am talking of attempting these things, I am unsure of how much I'll manage to do - but I feel like it's the only way forward for me - and I feel compelled to keep working on this.

General thoughts for today -  it's a wet and rainy weekend - I feel 'restless' - but it's been ok today - and I am feeling ok.

I'm going to choose a 'diary' to write down some 'associations' and thoughts and feelings - so I need to find something and then hopefully I will begin to 'write something' - I have a feeling I've been 'avoiding' it.  But I feel some sense of compulsion to 'get things out' - and I am hoping to maybe write some more things in the forum, once I am clearer about what those will be.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 17, 2017, 06:52:29 PM
Wanted to reflect on things now in my Journal.  It's been an emotional weekend really - I had an E-mail from my sister this morning, and it made me feel very emotional - but I think it was in a good way.

She wrote many things, but one of the things was that she wrote:

"She (referring to our M) held on to you too tight and smothered you like a caged bird"

She went on to say:

"Noone was going to take you away from her.  I am so glad that now you have got free.  If you had not broken free you would still be there looking after her, doing what she wanted, never what you wanted.  It was always one-sided."

This made me feel emotional because:
a) my sister acknowledges that I was smothered and that the feeling of being a 'caged bird' - it's very apt.
b) 'smothered' - that's very evocative - and makes me think of how I sometimes feel as if I am struggling to breathe, being literally suffocated by my memories.
c) I feel so validated by my sister in hearing her say that she is glad that I've 'broken free' - because there's still a large part of me that feels I've committed some kind of crime to have broken away from the control of my FOO, and created space around me to breathe and hopefully live my own life.

Her compassion also made me feel almost as if I'd been 'unfaithful' to her by writing about 'Sibling Perspectives' (which I wrote in the FOO part of the forum) - but I am trying to come to terms with so many different factors at that moment.    So many contrasting themes - but they are all connected, and they are beginning to make more sense now that I have my sister's support and can hear her perspective.

So I am very grateful that I managed to find her.  It wasn't easy.  It took me so many years to pluck up the courage to try to find her.  I even doubted whether she actually truely existed - whether she might be dead, all kind of fantasies about her.

As I write this, inner critics shout at me things like 'You're a Drama Queen' - 'you're so melodramatic' - things that I know my M would say about me if she knew I was talking in this way.  Because let's face it, she didn't want me to talk about it, she didn't want me to breathe a word about it, she didn't want me to breathe if it wasn't in a way that was deferential to her - and mirrored her narcissistic needs.

I feel sorry for my M that she needed to keep me so close to her, and she needed to have me so tightly under her control - I wish she could have had friends in her life who could have helped her to develop some more healthy focuses.

I feel like I shouldn't be writing any of this.  But the fact is that I AM writing it, and I am facing up to things that I had tried to put to the back of my mind previously - and I'm trying to understand the motives, and what drives people to behave in particular ways - and sometimes it doesn't make a great amount of sense.

Probably people are just trying to survive and live the best way they can, based on their early experiences, and without some form of challenge - some people can end up going down a path that isn't very nice. 

It annoys me that even talking about this, I am tending to 'sound as if' I'm polite and careful about what I say - and that's because I AM and always have been treading on egg-shells - trying to do and say the right things, and often not say anything at all, because then I'll be ok, and not get a negative reaction.

I'm just going to click on 'post' with this entry, because otherwise I will be tempted to edit or change bits, and I think that writing in a free-flowing way is ok.  I think I can reflect on what I've written another time.

I just know that reading that my sister described me as a 'caged bird' and that she acknowledged that I was 'smothered' and that she thinks it's good that I have broken free - that all means a LOT to me - and I feel very emotional about it. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Bev1101 on September 23, 2017, 11:06:50 AM
Hi Hope,
Your journal has really touched me. Thanks for sharing so much of your thoughts and feelings.

I find it so hard to cope with coming to terms with CPTSD and the journey of recovery, partly because I think it is so hard for the people who haven't been through it to understand and I don't know anyone in my day to day life who has been through it.
I can relate to much that you have shared. I have a narcissistic father and have gone no contact. The cocktail of emotions of rage, grief, shame and guilt are a journey for sure. I'm reading through Pete Walker's book and trying to process so many feelings.

I'm glad to read that your sister reached out and you felt some understanding from her.
I'm told by a few people who get it it's all about feeling our feelings. I've been feeling my rage for about a year, mornings are when it pops up, just allowing it to be, going to a safe room, breathing into my gut and punching a pillow until I collapse into the grief. That has helped a lot. I've just realised I have this huge well of guilt in my gut now too. The guilt seems to be a part of the inner critic, for example, telling me now that I shouldn't be hogging you journal by talking about myself! But I felt to share with you as you've written so much and I thought maybe it could help.

It's so hard, I'm 37 and only in the last year since becoming a mum have I really started to see just how unhealthy the relationship has been with my parents. That a part of me hasn't separated emotionally. That I don't feel completely able to live my life. That I worry about everyone else (guilt) and feel responsible for everyone else. It hit me last year, when I very very politely asked my parents to not talk over me (almost every sentence was always cut off mid way through) and I got told off for being pompous and got the silent treatment after that. I realised how much I/we still played the same role as when I was a kid. As i started to try to break out of that role, my dad resisted and cut off from me.

I guess I'm trying to say I understand a bit how hard it is trying to reverse an unhealthy role that was imposed on us as kids and then we unknowingly continue it into adulthood. To me it feels like I'm trying to swim against a really strong current. Having to always be careful about what you say/feel/do.  Have you had any further contact/sharing with your sister about it? She sounds like she gets it and hopefully that relationship can really support you now.

take good care
Bev xx
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 24, 2017, 08:05:31 AM
Hi Bev,
It is lovely to have a reply from you - thank you so much - I would like to Welcome you to the forum, and hope that you'll find it as supportive and helpful a place as I have - and I appreciate all the things you said in your reply - really good to hear you're reading Pete Walker's book - I think it's such a great book.  I've read it a few times now.  I get something more out of it each time.

I can see you've been through a lot - and you described a cocktail of emotions you are dealing with - and I'd like to wish you the best with processing things and working through things - go at a pace that feels right - don't rush anything. 

I do communicate with my sister about our FOO - and it is helping - definitely.  Good to hear her perspective on things, and share my own. 

Thanks for your message, and I hope to see you round and about in the forum - take care and have a good weekend.

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 24, 2017, 08:18:12 AM
My Journal entry for today (24.09.17):

To be honest I'm not sure what I'm feeling today - last week felt a bit like a roller-coaster - in terms of suffering from more intense feelings relating to emotional flashbacks (EFs) relating to abandonment - when I thought about changing my GP - and the process of trying to address my medical concerns via other means - i.e. talking to a friend about it, and consulting with a couple of Pharmacists - then I feel like I'm 'ok again' - I have a plan of action, can go to the chemist and take the relevant 'treatment' - and I've avoided having to face the new GP.

I guess I feel a bit pathetic about that, i.e. that I couldn't face going to see the new GP - but I had some really helpful replies when I wrote about that dilemma - Sceals and Blueberry's names come to mind as people who replied and said some helpful things - and 3Roses gave me a wonderful group hug - those things meant a lot.  In particular - I think the 'adult parts' of me have come out today - to say - 'You can cope with these things' - they are manageable.  You are doing ok.

I was thinking that I have 'improved' quite a bit in the past year - because I previously used to have frequent night terrors - and yet I've not had one for a significant period of time now.  It's like re-connecting with my sister has somehow 'quietened' something - reassured me, and I haven't been affected at night-time for a good long period of time. 

That is such a change for the better. 

The constant 'ruminating' I used to do - thinking virtually every waking moment, about my parents (FOO) - it's so much better now - I do still think about them, but I can actually get through a day without necessarily considering them at all - that is a massive difference!!! 

So things are improving. 

Yet as I write this, I feel a bit 'flat' - maybe it's the fear of the unknown - I'm not sure.  I'm trying to 'tolerate' different emotions, and be mindful of them, and I'll sit with this feelings and see what happens.

I will make a cup of tea and get on with some stuff.  I was busy yesterday - cleaning and stuff like that, so maybe that's why I'm feeling more 'adult' in myself today - like I've done some responsible and adult things - yet it doesn't completely 'sit' comfortably with how I feel within myself.

I think I'm over-analysing it now...  :stars:

I think I'll just go with - I'm doing ok today!   :)

Time for that cup of tea.   :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2017, 12:41:04 PM
enjoy your tea, hope.

i have some of that going on at times - am productive one day, and the next feel dull, flat, tired, etc.  you're not alone.  i always feel like i used up my amount of energy the day before and now i have to sit back and recharge.  that's been going on with me for a long time.

i think your gp thing will work out.  at any rate, you'll get thru it.  big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 25, 2017, 07:00:58 PM
Hi Sanmagic,
Yes I enjoyed my tea, thank you.  I think you were so right about the need to 'sit back and recharge' - that felt like exactly what was happening.   I'm sure you're right that the GP thing will be ok - I no longer feel triggered by it - at least not now - and hopefully I will face it at a later stage, as and when I need to.

OK - my journal entry for today - I wanted to talk about a memory that I often recall - and wonder why it presents itself to me in my memory so often - i.e. it doesn't seem to have any EF triggering aspects - as I don't feel any emotion when I think of it - only curiosity about why it comes back as a fragmented memory - as if it wants me to take it seriously and process it, and yet I don't know what to do with it.

Basically it is a memory of something that happened when I was about 4 years of age - I'm estimating - I really don't know my age at the time, but I know I was very small, as I could see the knees/legs of a person - and I was walking with my Dad in a busy place (a town I think), and the next thing I remember is the hand of my Dad struggling to push me away - as if he didn't want to hold my hand, and I remember looking up his legs to his waist and on upwards to his face, and then was shocked to see he wasn't my Dad at all - but was a stranger.  Clearly what must have happened is that I had somehow stopped holding my Dad's hand, and then gone back to a man I thought was my Dad, and grabbed his hand, and of course that man was shocked that a small girl was doing that.

For some reason, I think about this image and memory a lot - but not in any upset way - i.e I don't have upset feelings about it - not to my knowledge anyway.

I wonder why it fascinates me so much.  I don't suppose anyone can really answer that - but if you're reading this and you have any comments/thoughts - then please let me know!  I wasn't sure where to write about it - as I didn't really think any section made sense to include it - which is why I'm writing it in my journal.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on September 25, 2017, 10:29:08 PM
Two things on this memory, Hope: 1) you write about looking up the legs of this man to his waist and then further. My immediate guess is that you were younger than 4. That sounds to me like a really young child (unless you were really small for your age)

2) I have memories from when I was small (2-4 years) which are just little snippets and I wonder why on earth I remembered that and I have no idea. e.g. we dropped by on friends and I was given a glass of water Why remember that?  :Idunno: :Idunno:

On productive and non-productive days: I get a lot of that too. When did I get out of bed today? Noon? 1 pm? Something like that, although Sunday was pretty productive by my standards. But then I needed a half day to recuperate. I was actually reading part of the morning in bed, not just sleeping, but still the need to 'lie back and recharge'. I have to actually lie back because if I 'sit back' like you and san, I can't seem to help overdoing it.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 26, 2017, 02:08:27 AM
hey, blueberry, funny how this works differently for all of us, right?  i was using 'sit back' metaphorically, actually.  those are the days when rocking, playing on the computer, watching shows, taking a nap are all intertwined.  no chores, basically.

hope, i don't exactly know why that particular memory keeps popping up for you, either.  maybe someday you'll figure it out, or it will reveal more to you.  i'm just glad it's not loaded with adverse effects for you. 

and, forward we go.  hugs all around.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 26, 2017, 12:57:06 PM
Blueberry - your comments on my age in that memory are really helpful - I was on a bus today and saw a very small girl - possibly aged just 2 years old, and I figure that was probably the age I was when that memory happened - it makes much more sense now than thinking I was 4 years old.  Thank you!  Also, I've thought more about my reaction to the 'stranger battling against that little girl taking his hand' - and I do think that his reaction 'stayed with me' - in that he was embarrassed, he was concerned not to be in contact with me. 

You mentioned you had that memory of being given a glass of water when you were very small by those people - I thought immediately - that it would have had an effect on me in that situation, because I think it shows 'caring' and 'consdieration' for 'your' needs as a small child - and probably that might have stayed with you, especially if your FOO didn't pay you the same courtesy of recognising the needs of little Blueberry.    I know you weren't asking for a reaction to your memory, but I wanted to share what I thought - and it sounds meaningful to me.

Sanmagic - thank you for the big group hug, and for your comments, which I always value - and yes, here's to 'going forward'.  :-)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 26, 2017, 06:31:13 PM
"Here I am – a very small young girl – I thought I was 4 – but I spoke to the adults – and I think I'm only 2 or 3.  I was holding your hand, walking with you.  In amongst lots of people – in the town.  Before I knew it, I felt your hand wriggling – as if you were trying to push me away – I tried to hold onto your hand, and I remember telling you 'No, Daddy' and I laughed – and looked up from your knees, past your waist and upwards – then saw... another face, startled eyes, a look of disgust on a startled man's face, and I felt confused – I felt similarly startled and I ran away."

I have had this memory a few times, and as an adult I think about it – wondering why it sticks in my memory as it does.

You see – I'm not entirely certain what happened next, but there is part of me that thinks that you made me feel 'stupid' after that event – instead of comforting me – after I had been upset – you told me I was 'stupid' – or you made me feel 'stupid' – as if it was somehow my fault for losing contact with you, and ending up holding another man's hand. 

Alongside this memory – is another very close one – where I remember picking up a penny or maybe even a 2 pence piece that someone had dropped on the floor, and being excited to pick it up.  Then a woman (who must have dropped it) smiling at me, and saying to my F – "She can have it if she'd like to" (or similar words) and then you saying 'We don't want charity' (or similar words) and you threw it back on the floor.  I felt shamed by that experience – just as somehow seeing the stranger's face looking so startled at holding my hand, made me feel some kind of strange rejection.

As an adult, I often notice coins on the ground, and I pick them up, and I keep them!  I think to myself – I can keep this, and there's no shame in it.  A strange legacy from that memory I know, but somehow it gives me pleasure to know I can do that – it's a choice I can make.  Of course, if I knew it was someone's  money and they'd dropped it – I would of course return it to them – I'm only talking about small coins that are obviously 'lost'.

I realise these are such 'neutral' memories in terms of apparent connecting emotions, and I know there are far more upsetting issues that I would like to address with you – and I guess I am edging towards doing that – but I still feel disloyal to talk about your in some or many ways – even though your behaviour has affected me in so many ways.

My partner tells me that I still protect you (both my parents) in terms of thinking about reasons for your behaviour – and my sister believes you are both spirits from the dark side, and tells me there's no point trying to change the past, as it is as it is – and then I think about 'What do I think?' – and I need to think about this more.

I feel a multitude of emotions – I feel like I've given decades of my life to trying to understand and 'work things out' – and yet massive chunks of the puzzle were missing – I am now filling them in – bit by bit.  It's helped me enormously – and what helps me is knowing I have a place I can come – this forum – where there are other people who really understand things – who share thoughts and who care about each other.  It is amazing.

Anyway, it's felt good to write about this. 

My realisation from writing this is that somehow I am carrying a lot of toxic shame - which wasn't right for a child to carry, and which probably comes from your experiences as parents - I have absorbed it - I have carried it - and now I am beginning to realise this, I choose to look at things face on - as much as I can, and hopefully over time, I will feel relieved of the burdens of carrying all this stuff around.

Hope ☺
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 26, 2017, 06:37:46 PM
Reflections on Process:
I've just written my last entry to my journal, and whilst writing it - I didn't feel much emotion.  But then I read it to myself - after writing it - and experienced so many strong emotions - I just want to write about them now - to keep them fresh in my memory - I felt intense pressure in the front of my head - like a band around my head.  I feel as if my throat is clenching and it's harder to swallow.  I find my eyes welling up, and my nose running.  Tears coming easily.  I feel really upset.

So even though at some level I don't feel I connect to emotions about these isolated fragments of memory - somehow writing about them, and hearing myself 'say them' (in my mind) means I'm processing the emotions and feeling some more intense ones.

Anyway, I'm pacing myself - and I'm going to make a cup of tea and try to relax.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 27, 2017, 10:56:15 AM
Feeling quite good today - glad I did that processing of my emotions last night.  It was a helpful process.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on September 27, 2017, 11:12:07 AM
Glad to hear your day is good , especially after processing some difficult emotions.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 27, 2017, 04:17:22 PM
good for you, hope, being able to step back when you needed to and come back when you felt strong enough.  i think that's a big chunk of progress there. 

how those emotions can hit us can certainly feel strange at times.  it sounds like your memory snippets were preparing you to be ready for this emotional work.  keep up the good work, my dear.   big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on September 30, 2017, 12:29:26 PM
Hi Sceal -  thank you so much for your lovely comment - it was good read that. 

Hi Sanmagic - I think I did make some progress - and I am trying hard to pace myself and process things at a rate that feels ok.  It's tough though as like you said, emotions can hit us in unpredictable ways.  I also am thinking of something that Three Roses said in another post - where she suggested that if thinking about potentially repressed memories causes a headache, then it is wise to proceed with caution - or similar words to that - and trying to uncover repressed memories without adequate support can be potentially damaging - (again I am trying to recall what she said from my memory) - but that has made me think quite hard about the need to pace myself even more.

I am also thinking that if I end up feeling I'm not adequately supported (i.e. by my various self-help books, my partner, my friends, and the amazing people in this forum), then I will turn to the therapist I saw previously - because I have been saving money for that purpose, and I think I could afford a few sessions - if needed - as I am budgeting now and have some money available in reserve - if necessary.  But just knowing that is a possibility - whereas previously I felt I couldn't do that, it makes me feel a whole lot better about things. 

So I'm feeling better able to keep going forward and trying to process these things and make progress.

Diary entry for today (30.09.17):
I am excited as I've ordered a book from the library and it has arrived - I collected it today - it is by Peter A. Levine with Ann Frederick  and it's called 'Waking the Tiger - Healing Trauma' - I had seen it recommended by someone in the forum, and so I am keen to read it.  I hope to be able to read some over the weekend. 

Having a book to focus on really helps me.  Gives me some direction. 

I ended up comfort eating last night - as I wasn't coping with some emotions very well - but in the light of day, I am thinking that I need to find some things to distract me from turning to food at such times... 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2017, 12:20:22 AM
ah, hope, you kind of brought a smile to my face, not of derision but of camaraderie.  with my emotional upheaval this morning, i also turned to food.  for the most part i've been doing pretty good, but today warranted just doing what i needed to do in any form that took.

so glad you got your book.  enjoy!  big hug to you, my dear. 
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 01, 2017, 07:24:33 AM
Books are the best!

I also turn to food, I have been through a long period now where I've managed to not seek out unhealthy food. But this past week it's been too much of the good stuff. I mostly stress-eat. It's an awful habit, and I too do not know how to properly stop it. So I'm just here offering my support :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 01, 2017, 04:47:06 PM
I turn to books and food. Atm no food though because of a stomach bug  ;) Maybe not the best way round the problem.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 01, 2017, 06:06:42 PM
Hi SanMagic, Sceal and Blueberry,
Thank you all for your comments, and support, and I appreciate very much those things you said -  :hug: to you all, and Blueberry - I hope that your stomach bug clears up really soon - that isn't good...  Hope you feel better really soon!

My journal entry for today (1st October 2017):
I'm feeling good about the new book by Levine - I like the way he writes, and he sounds very knowledgeable about trauma.  I've read the first couple of chapters so far, and I'm just about to read about an exercise to do - funnily enough at that point I put the book down - I realise I get a bit scared at the experiential parts - the actual 'doing' of exercises/suggestions - I obviously like to 'read about it' - but then get scared at the 'doing'.  Probably because I don't know what I'll feel like - probably because I recognise that I tend to distract, dissociate, in various ways normally - or comfort eat to numb myself. 

But I think I've been gradually learning to 'feel more' - to stay more in the 'moment' - and I feel that's a positive thing. 

I'm now sitting here and thinking 'I don't know what to write' - 'what am I feeling?' - 'I don't know...'  oh well. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 01, 2017, 06:27:59 PM
Quote from: Hope66 on October 01, 2017, 06:06:42 PM
I'm just about to read about an exercise to do - funnily enough at that point I put the book down - I realise I get a bit scared at the experiential parts - the actual 'doing' of exercises/suggestions - I obviously like to 'read about it' - but then get scared at the 'doing'. 

It's the same for me. I like to read, but then gloss over the actual doing. My therapist always says that I'll start to do an exercise when the time is right for me, so not to put myself under added pressure. That has actually been my experience over the years. I tend to 'forget' that though and go on a spew of self-blame when not actually 'doing'.

Feeling more and staying in the moment is great progress!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 01, 2017, 07:13:05 PM
I also have a book that contain excersises. I've decided to finish the book first, reading the instructions and what the excersises are about. And then come back to them later. And do it slowly. I don't know what kind of excersises that are in your book, in mine it's mainly awareness and mindfulness. And the book also points out that people with trauma have difficulties with lengthy excersises because it can be triggering, and therefore shorter excersises are better. In regards to mindfulness excersises that involves being aware of my own physical body I find this particularly true. And even more so in regards to excersises about self-compassion.
So maybe, like Blueberry says, don't put any pressure on yourself before you start doing them.

And remember, you can always stop. You have a choice.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 02, 2017, 03:26:18 PM
Hi Blueberry,
Thanks so much for the encouragement - really good to have that.   :)
I like what your Therapist said about doing things when the time is right, and not putting added pressure on myself - I can definitely relate to that.

Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much for your comments about the exercises in your book - I must admit that I've not yet seen what kind of exercise my book is suggesting, because I literally 'saw' that there was one coming up, and that was the point where I closed the book - so it was as if part of me didn't really want to even 'go there' at the moment.
But I can choose when to proceed, and I can choose when to stop - you are so right - choices are liberating.  Thank you for your support and great comments.   :)

Journal entry for today 2nd October 2017
I am aware that this week is a heavy one, with lots going on in it for me IRL (in real life) - so I will hope to return to the forum again in a few days - either on the weekend or early next week - as I know that will be a better time for me to focus on my 'personal stuff', and hopefully I can get stuff done IRL that needs my attention in these few days ahead.

So that's a plan.  That feels good.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 03, 2017, 05:24:37 PM
Hope,
thought I'd tell you in your Journal that I did that card trick yesterday for a prolonged period of time, and it was really helpful.
So thanks very much once again for the idea.

I hope for you that you're managing this heavy week as best you can. Hang in there.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 09, 2017, 06:15:59 PM
Hi Blueberry,

You know it's lovely to return from a heavy week in the real world (IRW) and get a lovely message from you here in my Journal - thank you - it means a lot.   :hug:

I am happy to hear you used the Card thing successfully, and it was helpful to you.

I've missed everyone here - this past few days - and am glad to be back.  Tired though.   

Hoping to catch up on things that have been posted, and read around.   I'm going to take some time later in the week, to devote to doing just that. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: AphoticAtramentous on October 10, 2017, 12:31:18 AM
Welcome back Hope. :) Hope the time away was okay and that you could get stuff done. ^^
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 10, 2017, 01:12:19 PM
Hi AphoticAtrementous,
Thanks so much for the lovely 'Welcome back' - I appreciate it.  I have got some stuff done, so it was a good outcome.  Thanks for thinking of me.  Hope you're doing ok - I know you had an EF today, so really hope that you are feeling better as time goes on. 

My journal entry for today (10th October 2017) (possibly Triggering - as I've ended up triggering myself during the process of writing about my feelings today - TW warning therefore):

I just want to touch base with my Journal again, in the hope that it will give me some 'direction' - as I feel a bit over-whelmed having returned from a busy week where I had some stuff to sort out - and therefore took a break from the forum to try to focus on that.  I think I achieved quite a bit - or at least more than I thought I would, which is a bonus.

Something that really has bugged me since I communicated about some of the things I was doing to my sister - was that she appeared 'judgemental' of me - one of the things I did this week was that I re-connected with an old friend, someone I'd not seen for about 5 years, and yet my sister commented when I told her about my plans to see that friend again -  in what I perceived to be a sarcastic way - she said something like - well we've not seen one another for many more years than that - "but that doesn't matter, does it" - I really thought it was passive-aggressive in tone and quite sarcastic.  I didn't know how else to take it. 

My thoughts are that I was the one who made efforts to find her - she hasn't tried to find me - when I asked her about it, she told me that time hadn't been right, and spirits had told her that I would find her.  She has a different belief system to me, I don't believe in spirits - but I have tried to respect that fact that she does, and I really hope that I haven't come across as judgemental of her for believing as she does.  But at the same time, I feel hurt that she seems to be judging me.

Actually I'm surprised to find myself writing this here - I didn't intend to do so, but somehow it's what's bothering me most at the moment - feeling judged by my sister, when I feel like she doesn't know me. 

I feel like screaming inside - this has upset me far more than I could have envisaged it would. 

I probably hoped that re-connecting with my sister would be like something out of a fairytale - with a happy ending, and of course - it is good to fit together parts of the puzzle of my childhood, by comparing our experiences, but essentially we've both been damaged by our upbringing - and the last thing I want to do is replace a toxic relationship with my parents, with a similarly toxic relationship with my sister. 

Maybe this is an EF - I am feeling as if I'm feeling this far too strongly - hopefully I'll be able to calm and think about this more rationally. 

Infact as I read it back, I think that a much younger part of me is writing it - not my adult self.

Anyway, I must go now, as someone is coming in...

Hope  :)



Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 10, 2017, 01:46:36 PM
Quote from: Hope66 on October 10, 2017, 01:12:19 PM
I probably hoped that re-connecting with my sister would be like something out of a fairytale - with a happy ending, and of course - it is good to fit together parts of the puzzle of my childhood, by comparing our experiences, but essentially we've both been damaged by our upbringing - and the last thing I want to do is replace a toxic relationship with my parents, with a similarly toxic relationship with my sister. 

It's good to see you back and journaling and I'm glad you managed to get things done.

The paragraph above speaks to me so much atm too. I even hoped for same with reconnecting with parents, not just with sibs. But it was not to be. They're all too toxic and not realising it. Thx for finding words for the good part of reconnecting - comparing experiences, fitting puzzle pieces back together.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: AphoticAtramentous on October 10, 2017, 01:56:45 PM
I admire your respecting of her beliefs, Hope. :) It's refreshing to see. I don't believe in spirits myself either, but my FOO does and it can be a little strange at times lol But I try and play along when I can, keep the peace kind of thing.
It must be a little difficult situation for you with your sister... but I think it's good you're aware of not wanting to fall into another possible toxic relationship... being on the lookout for these things. It's good. ^^
If you're still feeling riled up, maybe take a few deep breaths, get a hot drink. :) Be nice to yourself.

QuoteThanks so much for the lovely 'Welcome back' - I appreciate it.  I have got some stuff done, so it was a good outcome.  Thanks for thinking of me.  Hope you're doing ok - I know you had an EF today, so really hope that you are feeling better as time goes on. 
Thank you very much! Glad to hear you got stuff done! My EFs are pretty short thankfully so I'm much better now. ;) Cheers.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 10, 2017, 05:10:21 PM
Hi Blueberry & AphoticAtramentous,
Thank you both for your comments - they helped me a lot because it was just very validating to hear your replies and know that you understand - so thank you.
I am calmer now - just getting my thoughts 'out there' - in this journal, and having them listened to and understood - it's taken a weight off me.  That's what it often feels like when I come in this forum, and write about things - I am so glad I found this 'space' and this incredibly validating and wonderful place.  People like yourselves, who understand, and relate. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 11, 2017, 07:55:03 AM
Journal entry for 11th October 2017

I am reading Peter Levine's book about Trauma – and I did a 'felt sense exercise' yesterday.  Interesting that overnight, I had a very vivid dream, so wanted to write about that here:

I was in a work situation – not my actual work, but another job, involving a lot of responsibility and tasks that I wasn't used to undertaking, but with a similar experience of complex stuff and having too many responsibilities – so similar to my actual job role.  Anyway, I ended up 'not coping' and in the end couldn't undertake the tasks I was supposed to do – and I ended up crying uncontrollably in the dream – felt as if I was crying in real life too – but I don't think I actually shed any tears in real life.  Felt like utter grief, inconsolable – and when I woke, it took me a while to settle myself again. 

What I did realise is that at the time that I ended up leaving my job, IRL (in real life), I had been facing so many things that would be hard to cope with for anyone – and that was over-whelming in so many ways, and that process  probably re-traumatized me in many ways.  So it is understandable that I would grieve for those losses, and react to those changes, and the effect would stay with me longer term.

But the good thing is that I can put it into some form of perspective, and that's a good thing.  I think I am still grieving for my old job, but trying to focus on developing new projects - and in many ways it's refreshing to have that opportunity, although in terms of finance I am not as well off as I was previously, so budgeting is key.

I'm not sure what I think about Peter Levine's book – I find his comparisons with the animals' physiological reactions to traumatic events to be interesting, and how our neo-cortex as humans means we often don't process things in the same way – or at least I think that's what he's saying – he writes in a complex way that is hard to understand sometimes, but I am sticking with the book, and I will continue through to the end and see what I can glean from it.

Certainly, the dream came through after reading it – and I do wonder if that might be related.

Just wanted to write about that today - so I don't forget it.  Seemed important, and interesting too.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 12, 2017, 08:10:44 AM
Journal entry for 12th October 2017

I don't know if I can make this a daily practice to write in my journal, but somehow it feels like a positive thing to do at the moment, and helps me to 'ground' myself - and I am still feeling excited by the fact that I've ordered a new book - the latest one that Pete Walker has written, and I can't wait for it to arrive.  I've nearly finished the Peter Levine book - and whilst I appreciate reading it, I find it quite complex in the language, and therefore harder to relate to.  But there have been some bits in it that have resonated with me, and therefore it has been useful. 

I am trying to be more in tune with my body's feelings - i.e. the 'felt sense' as he termed it, which goes contrary to my usual tendency to dissociate from my body, and it's hard to do - but I am going to pursue it, and try to make some progress.

Things that are 'bothering me' currently relate to my sister - in that she seems to have made some passive-aggressive kind of remarks in recent communications, which I have 'ignored' - but I wonder if that is the way to go - maybe I should raise the issues with her, but to be honest I'm a bit scared to do that, as last time I attempted to sensitively challenge her on a few things, we ended up not communicating for about 4 months. 

I hardly know her - this is the difficulty, and I've not seen her face to face since I was 8 years old...  This is tough to try to 'understand' and 'get to know' someone from a distance, but we live in different countries now, and I am finding that I feel reluctant to broach meeting up.  This is difficult for me to handle, as I feel 'bad' for thinking this way - but at the same time, I feel I'm protecting myself.

Interesting that thinking about these issues relating to my sister, means I'm not ruminating much at the moment regarding my FOO (parents) - but I guess I might be ruminating more about my sister - oh no!!!  I don't want to replace one rumination with another... similarly difficult one. 

I'm thinking ahead to the weekend, and the fact that I'd like to try to do something creative - like drawing - I think that would do me good - be something calming and focused.  I like the thought of that.

Hope  :)


Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on October 12, 2017, 02:37:12 PM
QuoteI am trying to be more in tune with my body's feelings
I'm doing this too. Seems to be helping.

QuoteThis is difficult for me to handle, as I feel 'bad' for thinking this way 
Self protection is never bad. You don't know her and so you are necessarily cautious, and that's okay.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: AphoticAtramentous on October 13, 2017, 12:20:03 AM
QuoteI am trying to be more in tune with my body's feelings - i.e. the 'felt sense' as he termed it, which goes contrary to my usual tendency to dissociate from my body, and it's hard to do - but I am going to pursue it, and try to make some progress.
Same here. Good luck with it. ^^

QuoteI'm thinking ahead to the weekend, and the fact that I'd like to try to do something creative - like drawing - I think that would do me good - be something calming and focused.  I like the thought of that.
Sounds enjoyable. :) Hope you enjoy it.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 13, 2017, 05:33:04 PM
Hi Three Roses - thanks for the reminder that essentially I don't know my sister, and I am being necessarily cautious - I think it's good to be wary.  Good luck to you with getting in tune with your feelings too - I am finding it an interesting process - challenging at times, but I think I'm gradually making progress.  I hope you are finding it a good process too.  I know you're in the Healing Porch today - swinging on the hammock and enjoying lovely scented flowers, so I am sure that will be a great experience!   :)

Hi AphoticAtramentous - thanks for the good wishes about the drawing on the weekend - I am looking forward to it, providing I actually do some - sometimes I have the best of intentions, and then don't manage to do what I am aiming/hoping to do.  But I really do hope to do it, and feel sure it will be enjoyable if I do.  I can see that you're also trying to be more mindful of your body's feelings - so I hope you are finding that ok - I have had some thoughts about it that have come to me today - and I will be doing a separate post about it in another part of the forum, as I want to see what people think.

My journal entry for today (13th October 2017)
Feeling a bit more 'in control' or 'with some direction in mind' - in that I am happy that the weekend is here and that I have some time to focus on things.  I feel like I need it.  I also want to do something creative - as already planning to do some drawing - not sure what to draw yet! 

I've finished reading the Peter Levine book - I would conclude that it wasn't as useful to me as other books have been, probably because he talks more about PTSD rather than 'C-PTSD' - and I relate more to the latter than the former - but I did find it a useful thing to read the book, and using the 'felt sense' exercise is useful - although I've only done it once so far...  But in different tasks, I am trying to be more mindful of my feelings and trying to ensure I stay within my body, rather than dissociate off.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 14, 2017, 01:45:20 PM
Journal Entry 14th October 2017

I've just written a 'Letter to my sister' (not to send) in the Letters of Recovery section of the forum.  It felt good to write it, and get my feelings and thoughts out - and I can review how I feel about it all at a later stage.  So it was a good process, and I'm glad I did it.

I've been so pleased with the fact that I managed to write more in other parts of the forum too - because it feels like I'm 'getting somewhere' each and every time I venture out and 'face something' - which is how it feels to write something in the other parts.

It's the weekend, and I have quite a lot of things I need to do in the home, but I am also keen to try to do some drawing, as that will be something creative, and I would like to get in touch with that side of myself - as I feel it's been stifled and shut down in the past.  So I am going to try to do half an hour of drawing, and see what happens.

That's the plan.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on October 14, 2017, 02:04:31 PM
Yay, for progress!  :cheer: good job, you :yes:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 15, 2017, 09:48:23 AM
Glad to hear that writing that letter made you feel better. And every step of progress is important!

Hope you get around to do your drawing!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 15, 2017, 04:35:35 PM
i also applaud your bravery in venturing out to other parts of the forum, hope.  as long as it's moving something which is a positive for you, i think it's a very good thing.   progress, absolutely.   

may i encourage you to keep up the good work you're doing for yourself.  getting in touch with your creative side is wonderful to hear.  i've been doing more of that myself, lately, and it really does feel good.  big hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 20, 2017, 05:38:22 PM
Lovely to read your replies, Three Roses, Sceal and Sanmagic.   :hug: to you all.   :)

Journal entry for 20th October 2017

This week was tougher for me – I have been concentrating on being 'more in the moment' 'mindful' and processing emotions and paying attention to them, but the result of that ended up being more over-whelming than I anticipated...  I ended up suffering from some strong EF's (emotional flashbacks), and was especially shocked by an incident  in a supermarket whilst shopping – and the result of the second one was that I nearly broke down in tears infront of a sales assistant who had initially made me feel very ashamed and upset, and who subsequently was trying to help me.  I just wanted her to leave me alone, as I didn't want to end up sobbing infront of her, and I attempted to tell her that her initial treatment of me (shouting at me across the shop floor) had made me feel bad – i.e. I muttered something like "I found it upsetting how you spoke to me" – interesting that she didn't really reply to that – maybe she didn't hear me.  But just the act of trying to be assertive and tell her how she'd made me feel, felt incredibly hard and upsetting - like I couldn't stand up for myself.  I realise after the event, and also during it, that I was reacting completely out of proportion to the actual situation, but that realisation didn't help me at the time at all.

Anyway, the thing that shocked me was how small, fragile and upset I felt – and that feeling stayed with me for most of the day, and some time after as well – I've not had that experience in a shop before – and it made me think that maybe things were getting worse for me – but when I think about it a few days later, now that I'm feeling better again, I think that I was just more fragile, and I'm putting it behind me.

I think it can be really draining to focus on processing something – and I've been reading in different places how it can sometimes be good to just allow things to come to mind, rather than go around 'seeking them out' – and that the brain and sub-conscious mind will hopefully allow things to be processed as and when I am ready for them.

I've noticed that if I try to 'dig around' that I end up with pain in my forehead, near my left eye – and that seems like a warning sign to me to 'back off' – so I am going to heed that, and see what happens –taking this coming week hopefully at a more relaxed pace.

I didn't get to do any drawing (my hope to do something creative) last weekend – so that is hopefully going to be something I can do this weekend – I'm going to try to do just half an hour of drawing, and see what happens.  Being creative is a sore point for me, as I feel that my childhood experiences have stifled and halted my creativity – and I've never really pursued it to any degree since.  I would like to though, and I think it would be good for me – I know I do enjoy it when I have drawn or painted something.  So I really want to do that at some level. 

Pete Walker's book has arrived, and so I've started to read it – and I am enjoying it so far.  It's really helpful to learn more about his own personal journey through his life and experiences. 

How am I feeling right now?  A bit flat to be honest, but pleased that I'm feeling better than I was earlier in the week.  I'm glad it's the weekend. 

Good to have written something in my journal again today – I'd hoped to write daily, but I didn't manage that – so I'm going to hope to write as and when I want to – and feel able to.  That's ok.  ☺

Hope ☺
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 21, 2017, 01:00:39 AM
hey, hope,

yes, it definitely is ok.  your recovery, your pace, your space.  i'm so glad you're going to heed that pain above your eye telling you it's time to stop.  yes, listening to our bodies is definitely a good thing, to my mind.

your experience in the shop of feeling small and fragile struck a chord with me.  it's how i felt w/ my t at our last session.  it was also a brand new experience for me.  what came to my mind was that it was my little me, out in full force, feeling threatened, that the experience was a trigger back to childhood in a very real manner.

don't know if that's how you felt it, but reading your version hit me full on and i totally related.  i was able to trace it back to the original threatening feeling as a little girl.  it caused a very positive shift in me when i did that.  you may not be ready for that, and i'm not suggesting you do the same as i.  just letting you know i could totally relate to your experience.  we're not alone in this at all.

here's to staying as present as possible when we're able.  thanks for sharing.  sending you a big hug full of warmth and love.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 22, 2017, 06:02:38 PM
Hi Sanmagic,
Your reply is very 'spot-on' in terms of how much the 'small fragile' feeling felt like a younger version of me - just as you connected with the younger fragile young girl - I do understand and I did feel that - thank you so much for making that connection and empathising so much - it is so validating.   :)  I also found that I was connecting in my sleep - because it was hard to sleep due to the Storms in the UK at the moment (we have Storm Brian), and I was a bit anxious at times, and yet when I felt that intensity of emotion (the acute anxiety) - it reminded me of feeling that strength of emotion as a small child - and this is a realisation that previously I must have 'blocked' out - because at some levels I had felt 'numb' and as if my childhood was 'glossy' - if that makes sense.  Like having 'no realisation of the truth of the matter' - which is that essentially my childhood wasn't a happy time - but was filled with tension and 'walking on egg-shells' - and 'fear'.  Excess levels of control from my narcissistic M and my enabling F - and ***trigger warnings here - a history of CSA.

I have read the book 'Re-claiming your Inner Child' by Penny Parks, and have thought about the younger me - and I think that steadily I'm beginning to connect with her - with little Hope. 

Yes, I think I connected that day in the supermarket - because the tone of the shop assistant (which triggered me into feeling chastised, put in my place, and also frightened and like I wanted to run away from her) - that wasn't related to the actual event at all, it was triggering an emotional flashback (EF) and I felt Little Hope's fear and fragility.

Sanmagic, thanks for your reply, because when I came into the Journal today - I wasn't sure what I was going to say, and already you've helped me to say quite a bit, and it all feels very relevant and helpful to keep account of.

Journal entry for 22nd October 2017
It's the weekend again, and I wonder where the week has gone.  Some of it feels like a 'blur' - but it's been a good mixture of achieving some things, and procrastinating on others - the balance of which - I'm satisfied with.  I feel better in myself today (Sunday) - and I feel brighter in mood - which is a contrast to earlier in the week, when I felt a bit hopeless and frightened and fearful.  I much prefer my current emotion.

I don't know what else to say now, so I'll end there for today. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 22, 2017, 10:30:33 PM
it's good to know we're not alone, we're not making these feelings up, and that there is a reality behind them that we simply hadn't been in touch with before.  thanks for sharing, hope.   big hug to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 24, 2017, 08:45:19 AM
Big hug back to you Sanmagic  :hug:

Journal entry for 24th October 2017

A few thoughts that have come to mind - I've noticed that in the past few days that I've become more aware of past incidences when I have dissociated - i.e. the memories behind those periods of dissociation are re-surfacing, or just coming back into my consciousness - and it makes me realise just how prevalent dissociation has been in my life - and as I begin to allow the memories to enter my consciousness - I am amazed that I have shut myself off and shut myself down to so many past experiences - both negative and sadly also the positive ones.  I feel some sense of loss for that experience, but I do recognise that it has been my mind's way to protect me and help me through life - and so I guess I am grateful to the body and mind's resourcefulness to do that.

Regarding work - I find it really difficult to open up about that area of my life - even in this very supportive forum, because I feel a sense of shame about it (which I realise is probably from my inner critics and therefore down to my FOO's expectations of what 'they' want for me, rather than what I want for myself - if that makes sense). Previously I had a reasonably well-paid and personally valued profession, which meant a lot to me, and now I am no longer doing that work, due to a combination of stress, estrangement, and other factors that were outside my control - and I am trying to adapt to the changes, after decades of doing that job, and focusing now on new projects - whilst budgeting and adapting  to manage on a much reduced financial income.   I will get a pension eventually and I think I can manage in the meantime - but I do need to make a success of some of my freelance projects - so I must focus!  I also do some voluntary work as well - which I am finding rewarding - although even that has been stressful and hard for me to cope with in recent years - depending on what is going on.

Anyway, I'm glad to have written something about how I'm feeling about work in this diary - as I had been avoiding it before, because whenever I thought about it, a voice in my head said things like 'You are a failure' - and I know that's not true - I need to give myself more credit than that - I worked hard, I survived in a difficult profession for longer than most, and now I'm 'free' to engage in other projects - which could be very exciting providing I can actually focus and get things done.

The other issue on my mind at the moment is in relation to my sister - because this time last year we fell out - due to her unusual beliefs that she was expressing strongly as Halloween approached - so I am anticipating another difficult time as Halloween approaches this year.  I've only been back in contact with her for a while, after many years of being apart from her, and essentially I don't 'know' her - I've not met up with her - she lives in another country, and neither of us has mentioned meeting up - although she passively aggressively seemed to attack me in an E-mail for having seen another friend and not having seen her for many years. 

One of my friends asked me if I want to see my sister - face to face - there is part of me that thinks that would be nice, but there is a much greater part of me that is very troubled by this prospect - that is scared to do that, and I am listening to that larger part of me at the moment, and keeping myself 'safe' from being hurt - I suspect that is the Little Hope part of me, that doesn't trust anyone - especially my big sister (8 years older than me) who didn't seem to look for me after we were separated, and who fought our FOO and escaped - it was like she thought I was ok - but I wasn't ok...!   I was trapped like a caged bird - and she was free.

Writing about this makes me realise I have so many unacknowledged feelings about this, or maybe I'm beginning to acknowledge them - and I need to work through them and process them, and maybe that will help me to rationalise things.

Anyway, how am I feeling today?  I feel ok.  I've been feeling more anxiety generally - and my heart was racing a lot yesterday - or felt as if it was, and so I am trying to actively 'relax' and breathe and focus on calming myself.  I have a project I'm going to focus on today - so I will see how I get on with that.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 24, 2017, 04:05:18 PM
Hope, there are many things you write that resonate with me in some way. I've posted a lot about work and my problems with it under Employment mostly.

Quote from: Hope66 on October 24, 2017, 08:45:19 AM
Regarding work - I find it really difficult to open up about that area of my life - even in this very supportive forum, because I feel a sense of shame about it (which I realise is probably from my inner critics and therefore down to my FOO's expectations of what 'they' want for me, rather than what I want for myself - if that makes sense). Previously I had a reasonably well-paid and personally valued profession, which meant a lot to me, and now I am no longer doing that work, due to a combination of stress, estrangement, and other factors that were outside my control - and I am trying to adapt to the changes, after decades of doing that job, and focusing now on new projects - whilst budgeting and adapting  to manage on a much reduced financial income.   I will get a pension eventually and I think I can manage in the meantime - but I do need to make a success of some of my freelance projects - so I must focus!  I also do some voluntary work as well - which I am finding rewarding - although even that has been stressful and hard for me to cope with in recent years - depending on what is going on.

Anyway, I'm glad to have written something about how I'm feeling about work in this diary - as I had been avoiding it before, because whenever I thought about it, a voice in my head said things like 'You are a failure' - and I know that's not true - I need to give myself more credit than that - I worked hard, I survived in a difficult profession for longer than most, and now I'm 'free' to engage in other projects - which could be very exciting providing I can actually focus and get things done.
Yay you for being able to ignore the Inner Critics spouting about "failure", instead you are able to praise yourself for managing so long in your profession.  :cheer: :cheer: and then continue to work on freelance projects, like a few more of us here on the forum.  ;)

Quote from: Hope66 on October 24, 2017, 08:45:19 AM
One of my friends asked me if I want to see my sister - face to face - there is part of me that thinks that would be nice, but there is a much greater part of me that is very troubled by this prospect - that is scared to do that, and I am listening to that larger part of me at the moment, and keeping myself 'safe' from being hurt - I suspect that is the Little Hope part of me, that doesn't trust anyone - especially my big sister (8 years older than me) who didn't seem to look for me after we were separated, and who fought our FOO and escaped - it was like she thought I was ok - but I wasn't ok...!   I was trapped like a caged bird - and she was free.

Writing about this makes me realise I have so many unacknowledged feelings about this, or maybe I'm beginning to acknowledge them - and I need to work through them and process them, and maybe that will help me to rationalise things.

It sounds like you're making great progress here, by taking your feelings especially that fear seriously!  :cheer: :cheer:

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 24, 2017, 05:26:04 PM
you know, hope,  i also have fear about meeting several people from my life who have hurt me.  one of them is my sister, the other is my daughter.  i see it as a rational fear, tho, one that is important for me to acknowledge, pay attention to, and above all, heed.

i don't think it's my little me that feels that fear, tho.  i believe it is the adult me.  those two especially have been mean, nasty, and hurtful to me in so many ways for so many years, i think it is a form of self-care to stay away from both.  i don't need to stand up to either of them, or to prove anything.  i simply don't want them and their ways in my life.  they're scary people.

just saying that i'm glad you're respecting that bigger part that's telling you it's not a good idea to meet up with your sis.   you've got enough on your plate without more drama, especially of the hurtful kind.

also wanted to acknowledge your strength and courage for writing about your work situation.  i don't see you as a failure at all.  i think careers, like anything else, work differently for everyone.  for some, one career can last a lifetime.  for others, it has its season and then it's time to move on.   just like relationships, to my mind.

thanks for sharing, hope.  sending you a warm, loving hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 25, 2017, 06:16:30 PM
Hi Blueberry & SanMagic,
Thank you both for your replies, I really got something positive about each reply - it meant a lot.  I always read things and then ponder on them for a while - to really take in the meaning and process it, and each of you helped me so much in what you said.

Journal entry for 25th October 2017
My sister seems to have upped the ante a bit with a recent E-mail where she has given me a link to a website that represents a lot of her 'very unusual views' and she even asked me to spend time reading the whole thing (4 pages) and then let her know what I think.  Weirdly this is a year since we fell out (close to Halloween) for the self-same kind of diversity about her unusual beliefs.  I did read the information, and I am now in a dilemma, because if I told her the truth of what I think, I would certainly upset her.  But I don't want to lie to her either.  I want to be honest and authentic about my thoughts and feelings, without upsetting her.  I think this is impossible to achieve!!! 
Anyway, I've decided to think about it for a few days, and then reply - because I know she will be celebrating on the weekend and Halloween - and I don't want my communication with her to dampen her enthusiasm for a time that means a lot to her.

The information she believes in - I find it difficult to understand how anyone can believe in it - I think the people writing the information are preying on vulnerable people and making money from getting them to believe such things.  I think it's like exploitation - but I know that my sister respects and follows these people's doctrines - and not only that claims to be an International Leader in those spheres. 

If I'm honest with myself, I feel really quite amazed that she can believe these things - I think maybe she is in a cult of sorts - I also worry about her.  But then I also think - well she just has different beliefs to me - and in life, people like different things and follow different principles etc - but honestly, when I told a couple of friends about the information she shared with me, they really thought she is deluded and they said they would be concerned about anyone who buys into that kind of information.

I hope I don't offend anyone who is reading this, I am just 'getting it out' - and sharing it here because it's the prominent issue I feel I'm focusing on at the moment. 

I wondered if maybe she sent me the link to be antagonistic - i.e. as if she's looking to spark another disagreement - and the fact we fell out last year - around the same time, maybe her feelings surface more at this time of year and she wants to push me into following her lead - and she wants me to 'see the light' and join in with her way of thinking.  But I couldn't be further apart from that way of thinking, as I believe in more critical thinking and looking for evidence. 

I'm going to try to keep a level head, and not 'bite' - or respond too quickly - I will think about it more, and hopefully I will make an appropriate reply - after some considered thought.  But I hope I can remain authentic to my own thoughts and feelings about it.

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 25, 2017, 06:41:33 PM
Just wanted to know I read your entry here too. I think I've posted before about your sister and her beliefs, and possibly about the weird cult I ended up in which was partially about making a profit off vulnerable people, which I was in those days.

I think it's strange she's asking what you think. I had the impression she knows you don't see eye to eye with her on this stuff.

I think it's good you're taking time to find how to bridge the gap of staying true to you and not upsetting her.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 26, 2017, 08:04:42 AM
I think it's smart to take a few days figuring out what to say.
It might be possible to be more diplomatic about how you feel without insulting her. Like saying it's very different from the things you've learned about for example.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 26, 2017, 12:50:35 PM
i gotta go with blueberry on this, a bit of confusion as to why she'd want you to read something that she knows you don't believe in.  it sounds like a manipulation of some sort to me.  something to hook you into conversation with her, or to get a relationship started again, albeit in a neg. way.

i'd be wary of this as well, like your friends.  it doesn't sound healthy at all for you.  just my two cents' worth.  i'm concerned for you.

diplomacy is nice, but i have to admit that i'm not always diplomatic when i think people are attempting to coerce me into something i don't want to be a part of.   my hub always told me that 'no' means 'no', and to certain kinds of people any wavering gives them the idea that you're still willing to consider it.  when they think that, they'll keep coming back, hoping to wear you down.

please be careful.  something doesn't ring right to me.  warm, loving hug to you, hope.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 27, 2017, 10:42:27 AM
Hi Blueberry, Sceal & SanMagic,
Thank you all for your comments regarding my situation regarding my sister's unusual beliefs - I found them all helpful - thank you so much.

Journal Entry for 27th October 2017

I tried to tread very sensitively and carefully in wording my reply to my sister's E-mail.  I was going to leave it a few days, but I felt that an interim solution would be to clarify with her why she wanted to know my views - bearing in mind that we fell out about things this time last year - and I attempted to word an E-mail that conveyed that sensitively - I asked my partner to read it, and also a friend before I sent it, and they both reassured me that it wasn't at all inflammatory and hopefully she would reply in a reasonable way.

However, she didn't.  She replied the same day - and she was ANGRY - she told me she basically doesn't care what I think - she expressed some quite pointed and angry stuff.    Then after she had vented her thoughts and feelings, she concluded by saying "you can either read it or delete it.  It does not bother me at all."  I think she was referring to the blog she'd sent from her friend, rather than her actual E-mail - but I can't be sure!

Anyway, I am definitely 'stepping back' and I'm going to take some time to think about what to do next - my partner thinks that maybe we shouldn't communicate apart from Birthdays and Christmas, but I think back to my therapist saying to me (when I was LC with my FOO (parents)) and was still sending cards - she said to me 'Why are you doing that?' - and I think the same would be true if I went LC with my sister - then in effect, what is the point of communication - but maybe this is the whole point - maybe she is finding it tough to tolerate being in contact with me, just as I am finding it challenging with her.  I do suspect that her sending me the information and asking me to comment, when she knows I don't feel the same as her about things, was a manipulation of some kind - as if she was 'baiting me' to argue with her.

I really tried not to take the bait, and I tried to just ask her why she wanted to know my thoughts - and even that was taken as a cricitism by her, and she expressed anger.  I realise that it can be difficult sometimes to understand the tone and what someone intended when sending an E-mail - but she said quite a few very angry sounding things - almost as if she thinks I am stupid and I'm not 'seeing the light' like she is.

I feel as if my fingers are burned now, and I feel a sense of shock throughout my system, but at another level I am not wholly surprised by this. 

The last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings, but I don't want to roll over and just accept her views and leave them unchallenged, especially if she is asking me specifically what I think - but I suspect she only wants to hear my views if I am agreeing with her, and I don't want a co-dependency with her - I don't want to be controlled by her, and I don't want to enter an unhealthy relationship - and I fear that is what it is turning into.

She actually said in her E-mail "If I talked to you openly you would not understand, like you didn't before, so I watch what I say" - this is a frustrating situation - and I feel hurt by how this is turning out, but I really think that she wanted us to face this issue again - and she pushed for it.

Anyway, I feel a bit better for coming and 'letting this out' in my journal - I have really appreciated the comments that people have made, and it has helped me enormously to cope and have the strength to face these things - and I am being cautious and trying to protect myself.

Ironically I didn't actually tell her what I thought of the information she shared - for the reason that I didn't want to upset her, but somehow just asking her why she wanted to know my thoughts, when she knows we have disagreed in the past, made her very angry - or at least she appeared to be angry and very defensive in response.

Maybe it's like her beliefs are a 'faith' that she can't allow to be challenged in anyway?  Like, she isn't open to even discussing them?  She thinks I am 'blind' to the truth, and therefore I can't understand.

She has already told me that she thinks that education and school represent 'brain-washing' of children and adults, so I suppose that she believes me to be brain-washed.   She minimised my own experiences and education and training by saying 'what you've learned in your little book' - which I thought really told me that she doesn't regard my experience as being at all relevant - she made me feel very small.

Anyway, I realise I feel upset, I feel some anger within myself, and I should try to allow those feelings to settle - work through them, and hopefully become calmer.

I have decided I won't reply till next week - I've made that a rule for myself, to stop myself 'rushing' into a reply until I've thought it through.  So I'll wait and see how I feel as time goes on.  I am not sure what I want to do, but I do intend to reply to her at some point. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 27, 2017, 04:27:23 PM
 :hug: I am sorry that your sister is being so difficult. It's strange behavior to ask for your opinion and when you try to give a kind one back she blows up in your face. Siblings can be difficult to be around, and I think in your case it's even harder for the two of you to have a connection due to your history.

Taking a step back sounds like a wise move. I hope you'll be able to take care of your own needs and set the boundaries that are important to you.
I wish you the best.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on October 27, 2017, 06:14:12 PM
I had to tell my sister in law that I wanted a two way relationship of give and take, and not all give on my part. We've since been estranged and are very careful around each other now. I do love her tho it's still a distant relationship. I'd like it to be closer but I am not interested in the sacrifices I feel I'd have to make for us to be closer.

The strange part is, I know she feels the same. I know I've hurt her, too, without meaning to. It's all just misinterpretations, and seeing each other through the clouded filters of our individual expectations.

There is a middle ground for us but we will both have to be willing and able to talk openly, to reach it.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 28, 2017, 02:05:14 AM
i guess i'm a bit more battle-weary of these kinds of communications than some.  i just don't have a lot of tolerance for people who ask my opinion then blow up at me if i don't give them the one they want.  i see that as game-playing.  and, the fact that her reply was something that made you feel small, hope, flies red flags for me.  i guess i just don't like how's she's treating you.

just my opinion, and i totally support you in what you want to do with this relationship.   again, please be careful.  there are already signs that something's not healthy here for you, at least to my mind.  big hug, hope, filled with concern and clarity.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 28, 2017, 01:00:40 PM
Hi Sceal, Three Roses & SanMagic,
Thank you so much for your support and helpful replies - you have all helped me - and I am currently taking a step back before I respond to my sister - some breathing space, and chance to think a little before making a reply to her.  I really am thankful for being able to reflect about things in this forum, it is a precious thing.  Thank you all.

Journal entry for 28th October 2017

So, I am taking a step back before replying to my sister, and that feels like the right choice, not only in terms of ensuring I don't respond in too much 'haste' - and also allowing me to process, reflect and think about things.  But at the same time, I want to focus on 'my weekend' - because I have things I need to do - and I'd like to be able to look back on the weekend and think that I've managed to 'do' some things.  I'm hoping to have a mixture of things - some domestic stuff - which I feel has to be done, but also some time for 'me' - a time when I'm not ruminating about FOO issues - and can focus instead on 'being in the moment' and enjoying some peace and some positivity.  I'd also like to read more of Pete Walker's book - as that will be enjoyable to do - so I need to make some time to do that as well. 

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 28, 2017, 06:15:56 PM
Just popping in here again - I've been reading and 'researching' the person my sister told me about - and the more I read the stuff by that person, the more worried I become about my sister's beliefs.  I really think it's incredibly 'out there' 'conspiracy theory' stuff, and I've also read about other people she seems to idolise and follow, and I am similarly convinced the more I read that she is actually surrounding herself with some truely weird stuff.  I always thought I was 'open-minded' but this has challenged my acceptance of things - I don't feel I can accept the things I've been reading about.  It's completely different to anything I've ever thought or considered. 

I feel a multitude of emotions when I think about all of this - because I had hoped for my relationship with her to sustain and grow, but I realise that we've lived separately for over 4 decades, we don't know one another - and we are very different.

I'm so glad that I have given myself time - and taken a step back - because it's good to try to process these things.  I am thankful that I don't think I've said anything disrespectful or upsetting to my sister - I have always phrased what I've written to her in as sensitive a way as I can, and I've checked that out with my partner and occasionally my close friends - but even when I've tried to tread as carefully as I can, she cannot tolerate any challenges - even very small - and that's difficult.

I'm going to try to distract myself from focusing on this now for the remainder of the weekend, as it's really triggering me emotionally - I just wanted to write about this - and it has helped.  I think I'll go and watch some TV and relax that way. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 29, 2017, 06:10:15 PM
Journal Entry for 29th October 2017

I can't believe the number of times I've dropped things today - it's like gravity is working against me - I've dropped berries all over the floor, numerous kitchen implements, I've dropped a glass (thankfully plastic), but I managed to break it!  I've cut myself by accident with a knife.  It reminds me of numerous 'accidents' that would befall me in the past, and how I think my sub-conscious mind used to scupper me, and I would end up hurting myself.  Lately, I've been more 'careful' - 'more considerate of my self' - but today it was like a 'rewind button' had been struck, and I am determined to try to ensure that tomorrow I return to being more careful again.

I know it's due to feeling stuck regarding my sister - I have been trying not to let it get to me, but of course it has been affecting me in many ways.  I've ended up in tears and feeling as if I can't cope - and I nearly backed out of a social meeting today - but thankfully was able to cope sufficiently to attend it.  I was relieved about that.  But it took a lot of strength to pull myself together to face the outside world.

I think it's been good to get the emotion out - and to let myself cry - I say 'let myself' - I really couldn't stop myself from crying - it just happened, as I felt the frustration of everything surfacing.  What I'm realising is that my sister's behaviour towards me is very reminiscent of my FOO's treatment of me - there are definite similarities, and whilst she assured me when we got back in contact that she 'wasn't like them' - I think there are some definite similarities.  She has ended up believing that she heads up a cult-like organisation - that she is the top person in that hierarchy, and that reminds me of narcissistic behaviour - wanting to control and 'head up' something.  She won't tolerate even a slight query about her beliefs - and infact, when she knows we think differently, she has actually pushed her beliefs my way again, but wanting me to comment on the writings of one of her 'friends' - I think he is someone who is manipulating people for money and material gain, and I dislike that - it's like they are preying on potentially vulnerable people. 

I re-read her E-mail to me today, and thought that her words suggest that she was pushing a tirade of aggressive reaction towards me.  See, I'm even tying myself up with my language here - I can hardly formulate what I want to say.  I feel shocked by it.   I realise that my anger has surfaced, and to be honest, I don't feel angry very often - it's a trait I tend to repress, as I wasn't allowed to show that when I was a child, but I know it was there - and it is still there in me as an adult, but I don't access it very often.  I've usually been passive, more codependent and looked to serve other people's needs. 

But I know there is a strength in me, because if there wasn't, I would never have been able to go NC with my FOO - and I would never have felt the strength to seek out my sister, and find her after 4 decades of separation.  I didn't know what I would find, and I've been communicating with her for over a year now - nearly 2 years I think.  But it's becoming evident to me that our contact isn't really doing either of us any good - at least that is how it feels - but it's tough - it's tough to know how best to proceed, and what to 'do'. 

I am 'stepping back' and I am waiting to see how I feel after time passes.  I think I'll wait at least a week.

I feel really sad, because I think that part of me wanted a positive and happy ending, but the thing is that my FOO is extremely dysfunctional, and both of us (my sister and I) have come out of our upbringing with issues that are hard to address, and trying to establish a relationship is proving difficult - I think it is difficult for both of us.

:stars:

That about says how my head has felt at points today.  And part of me feels like  this  :spooked: (how apt for Halloween approaching... my attempt at a joke there ha ha).

I actually think this is good that I'm getting some emotion 'out' - so I think this is progress.  I am sure I will feel better for it, and maybe tomorrow will be a positive and better day - and I won't be dropping things, and having accidents - that's my bad day over - I really hope so. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 30, 2017, 11:20:05 AM
Dear Hope,

It's good to see that you are processing your thoughts and emotions. It can be nothing short of difficult and challenging to be in the situation you are with your sister now. Deciding how to move forward and such.

I can relate to not allowing anger to surface. I can argue with my roomie, but no one else. It took me years to learn how to fight with him. To stand in the anger when it comes. But anger relating to other things doesn't surface. It's so hard to know what to do with it. But I've learned that we all feel anger, and it's a fundemental emotion that serves a purpose. I hope in the long run, we can both feel healthy doses of anger again.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 30, 2017, 06:10:39 PM
i don't doubt your mind is filled with thoughts about your sister, so it would make sense that doing everyday chores could be challenging.  hard to be mindful of what you're doing in the 'now' when your mind is battling somewhere else. 

still standing with you as you make these decisions.  sending warm and supportive hugs.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 30, 2017, 07:42:01 PM
Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much for what you said, I really find it validating that you talked about expressing anger - it is definitely something that I struggle with - but I have definitely found some surfaced over the weekend.  After anger, came tears, and I think it did me good to get that 'out'.  I do feel better today - I should do more of that - processing those emotions that I repress and push aside normally. 

Hi Sanmagic,
Thank you for the warm and supportive hugs - they mean a lot, and also for standing with me - I do feel you alongside me, and it makes me feel stronger.    You're right, my mind has been battling somewhere else, and focusing on my sister, and also all the issues surrounding my sister, and my FOO in general - and I'm aware that it's felt a bit over-whelming, but that essentially I've got through the weekend, and processing things and letting out some emotion has been good for me.

Journal Entry for 30th October 2017
I am continuing to 'take a break' from responding to my sister - trying to balance my thoughts and feelings, and processing my emotions.  Trying also to concentrate on chores I need to do, things that I need to concentrate on - and trying my best to achieve those things.  I've managed.

I wandered through the 'healing porch' last night, and it felt very emotional to do that - tears were streaming down my face, but I was thinking - 'This place is so special - such a great place - even though I haven't ever commented in that place yet, I've visited it a few times, and read what people write there - and somehow it triggers a very intense feeling inside me - I can't name that feeling, but it's powerful.  Maybe it's too visceral to describe.  I don't know.

I've been able to read more of Pete Walker's book "Homesteading" and it's a very interesting read so far.  I feel like I'm learning and understanding more about Pete's life and there are parts of the book that I relate to.  I may write about some of those things at some point, but for now, I'm just enjoying reading the book.

I feel better in myself today - I found the weekend tough - but I know I needed to sit with my feelings and process them, and it was only that way that I could feel and process my anger and reach my tears.  I think it did me good.  But I didn't enjoy it at the time - it was hard. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on October 31, 2017, 10:54:11 AM
Hi Hope!
I am glad I could help you a little! :)

I haven't had the will or energy to read anything outside my curriculum these past months, but I miss reading for just the sake of exploring. It's good to hear you're enjoying Pete Walker's book. I haven't read any of his yet. It's good to allow yourself to just enjoy something. Keep it up!
I'm also glad to hear that you're feeling better today. Processing feelings are such a hard job, but you did it! A big step forward! :) A friendly hug your way, if you want one :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on October 31, 2017, 08:10:54 PM
Hi Sceal,
I very much hope that you are able to read something for your own enjoyment at some point soon, as that is what you have enjoyed doing in the past.  You sound very busy with your curriculum - that must be tough to try to do that alongside processing stuff.

Journal Entry for 31st October 2017

I feel more anxious generally - I feel less able to focus and process things calmly - I guess I feel more 'angst' inside but at the same time, I think that's normal in the circumstances - i.e. battling with what to do in relation to responding to my sister.

I spoke to my partner today, and that was helpful - we talked things through, and he was very supportive to me - which he always is.  We talked about the fact that today I thought I saw my F in a supermarket - literally a man who looked 'just like him' - it could have been him, but I've not seen him for a few years now, and I was scared to see him there, wondering if it was actually him - but then I realised I was being hypervigilant to people who look 'like him' and I noticed many more men walking around who looked similarly to him.  But it was uncanny how much he looked like him.

I am pretty sure it wasn't him though!  His stance and behaviour in the shop was different to what I would expect from my F. 

What I was pleased about was the fact that if I had suspected he was there in the past, I would have really frozen, and 'run away' to escape out of the supermarket - and I didn't - I hid behind something, but I didn't rush off and escape the shop - I stayed and finished my shopping.  That is progress - because I reached a stage when I was very anxious and would avoid and run away.

I have just been re-reading my 'recovery letters' that I wrote - the one to my sister, and the one to my FOO and to my M.  It was helpful to do that.  At the moment, my anxiety levels are higher, but I can see by my letters that I have been making progress with things - I have been sharing things in the forum, and people's responses have been so validating and helpful.

I feel stronger for having this supportive place to come and off-load - and I feel like I want to venture out into other parts of the forum again, and interact more - because I know I will get a lot out of it if I do - I just need to feel brave enough and hopefully be able to write what I want to say. 

I often feel 'tongue-tied' and yet when I read back things I've written, I am 'impressed' that it appears fluent and articulate - and yet I didn't feel like that at the time I often write things.  Sometimes I feel like I can't speak.

I'm glad I've written something today, as I wasn't sure I was going to write anything - but I came here, and now I have! 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 31, 2017, 08:31:07 PM
hope, you're such a sweetheart.  i can feel that vibe off you thru the screen. 

i think you're doing wonderfully well with all that you've got on your mind.  and now thinking that you might start venturing out to other parts of the forum.  good for you!  that's a step forward in itself.

the intensity of your feelings at visiting the healing porch - it is a magical place and full to overflowing with caring, support, comfort, and soothing gestures to others.  really, it has everything we've ever needed and didn't get.   i've shed tears many times because of what i've discovered there. 

i'll be there tonight.  if you decide to visit, and you'd like some gentle company, i'd be happy to just sit with you and look around, enjoy who and what's there.  i'm thinking of carving a pumpkin for halloween there, set it on the railing.  a little bit of fun.  big hug to you, hope. 
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 01, 2017, 07:09:57 PM
Hi SanMagic,
I read your reply to me last night, just before I went to bed, and I want you to know that your words meant a LOT to me - I felt emotional reading them.  You are a lovely person - I hope you know that!   
I'm still trying to process why I feel so emotional about just 'walking around' that Healing Porch in a virtual sense - it makes me feel so tearful when I do - because I guess it makes me realise all the mothering qualities that I've missed in my life - it highlights my grief for those things - and makes me feel extra sensitive and emotional.  I was thinking about it today - and that is what came to mind.  It is deeply touching at an emotional level - but also evokes a deep and intense feeling.  Highlights my feelings of vulnerability too.
But I did pop over to the Healing porch - again in a virtual sense, and just knowing you were there with that lovely Carved Pumpkin - it was really comforting and I feel sure I slept better last night as a result of knowing that.  So thank you.   :)

Journal Entry for 1st November 2017
I have had a more productive day today - that has felt good.  I've done things I wanted to do, a mixture of things, and feel I coped quite well with them.  I am relieved, because I had felt out of control over the weekend, and clumsy and making mistakes and having small accidents.  Thankfully I was calmer today.   

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 01, 2017, 09:14:19 PM
I'm thinking of you Hope. I think you're dealing really well with all that's going on with your sister, including taking a step back. Keep looking after you  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 02, 2017, 02:55:39 PM
Thanks Blueberry, I missed you whilst you were away, and it's great that you're back - and thanks for your support and kind words.  I appreciate them.   :)

Journal Entry for 2nd November 2017

Not much to say today except that I have been productive this morning, and that feels good.  This afternoon is ok too.  I'm not putting any pressure on myself to 'do any particular thing' - because I want to 'stand back' and think about what I want to do - rather than what I feel I should be doing - if that makes sense.

So that feels good in itself - I would normally be considering things in a less rational way - and standing back a bit is helping me to consider what I really would like to do in terms of approaching things.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 03, 2017, 02:00:46 AM
makes perfect sense to me.  i believe those 'shoulds' are the voices of other people, and are not necessarily true to our 'self'.  i'm really glad you're looking at what it is you want to do.  that's the best.  sending a hug filled with love and caring.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 03, 2017, 08:03:12 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Yes, I often hear the 'shoulds' and I recognise them to be from my FOO rather than from myself, and so trying to think about what I 'want to do' is something I am really trying to focus on.  Thanks for your validation and also for the hug  :hug: - your love and caring eminates strongly - and is much appreciated - thank you.   :)

Journal entry for 3rd November 2017

Over the weekend, I hope to focus on what I 'want to do' in relation to going forward - I've been reading in different parts of the forum - and I am sure that I will find things I'd like to post about - somehow I'm feeling a bit stronger in myself - at least today - not sure why.  But part of it could be that I've taken a 'step back' from feeling I have to act/respond/do anything in relation to my sister - I am just trying to consider 'what' to do. 

However, interesting that having a week where I've not communicated with her, somehow I feel 'freer' and 'less restricted' - and that is interesting to realise that it was quite a heavy communication. 

I've also been thinking more about some past memories - and I think I'd like to try to get back to documenting some of my memories - I had bought a colour coded pad to do that - but then I hadn't done any more - it's like I'm full of 'good intentions' but then I procrastinate.  Other things come along that somehow 'need doing' - and so I focus on those. 

So I really want to focus myself - and so I'll try to do some planning for the weekend - write some lists - and see what I can do.  This is my 'intention' and I just hope that I will 'act' on those intentions - but you know - I am feeling 'stronger' in myself today - I like that feeling! 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 03, 2017, 08:53:49 PM
i like that feeling for you, hope.  sounds like progress to me. 

i think those intentions will materialize when you're ready.  i don't think you need to get down on yourself for not following thru all the time.  they will happen when they're supposed to.

in the meantime, i think you're doing great with the sister stuff.  freer, indeed!   warm hug being sent to you filled with a smile of happiness for you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 04, 2017, 06:50:37 PM
Hi SanMagic,
I think it is progress - feeling stronger - and I also think you're right that intentions will materialise when I'm ready.  They will happen when they're supposed to - the brain has a good way to ensure we don't overdo things, and I'm all for listening to my body and trying to ensure I don't over-stress it.  Thank you so much for saying that, it is really validating. 

Journal entry for 4th November 2017 (Potentially triggering *** Mentioning Cults ***)

I have been thinking back to this time last year, and how I 'fell out' with my sister back then, and am doing so again this year - and I have re-read the communications I sent to her both last year and this year, and I think that I did phrase things really sensitively - I asked a couple of close friends what they thought too, and they confirmed that they thought I was sensitive. 

I haven't replied to my sister - it's been a whole week - and I feel sure that if I don't reply to her, then she won't contact me.  I could be wrong, but this is what I think will be the case.

I've been considering how things have been between us over the past year - and I am feeling as if it sucks the energy out of me to continue with any communication.  I feel drained by it.  When I'm not communicating, then I feel freer.  Yet I feel horrible for not being able to maintain a relationship - but then I tell myself - how could you - there is a very fragile and almost non-existent relationship between you - our FOO didn't allow us to bond as sisters - we were separated for most of our early childhoods, and for the brief periods of time that we were in the same house, we weren't allowed to play together, or interact beyond the briefest of interactions.  So it's hardly surprising that we have no bond.

What has been valuable to me, and I hope to her too, is that when we re-connected (after I searched for her and an organisation found her), we were able to share our experiences and 'talk to each other' about those - and I think we both validated each other's experiences.

But to be honest, I feel as if my sister wants to talk about herself and her life and that she's not interested in my opinions or my thoughts and feelings about things - she is wrapped up in her own life and it's a very unusual set of perspectives on life.

I have been looking in the 'Cult' area of the forum - and there wasn't really anything there which was like my sister's views - she believes in a whole load of quite unusual things (at least I think so) - and whilst I did try to respect the fact she has different views, she ended up pushing her views in my face and wanting me to 'see the light' - there have been things she's said to me that make me think that she believes I am stupid not to see the things she 'knows' - and I haven't told her how I feel, not properly, because I don't want to upset her.  But even the slightest suggestion that I am not going along with what she thinks, means she has been hostile about it.

I guess I needed to say those things here - to 'get it out' - I had been happy to find her - but also upset that she never 'looked' or 'searched' for me - I was very easy to find as my name is the same as it was when she knew me - whereas it was really hard to find her, as her name has changed as she got married.  When I asked her why she never looked for me, she said that 'The spirits told me it wasn't the right time' - and somehow I don't feel satisfied with that reply - I feel like she just didn't want to find me.

I feel bad for expressing anger about this - because I know that she had a difficult childhood - but at the same time, I think she knew our FOO were not looking after us well - and surely she could have checked on me to find out how I was.  Rescued me. 

Even as I say this, I think it must have been very hard for her - she was only a child herself - neither of us could have protected ourselves against our experiences - she fought and got out of the family - I was too scared and I didn't understand what had happened to her - she could even have been dead, I wouldn't have known - noone spoke about what happened to her.

I feel a lot of emotion right now.  I thought I was calm, but of course, writing about it - I realise I have a LOT of emotion bubbling under the surface.

Anyway, I have been feeling stronger in myself this last couple of days, and I am pacing myself - and I will try to keep grounded and focus on getting through another week in a balanced and hopefully positive way.

I am ever grateful for this forum - everyone is so supportive, caring and understanding. 

My sister told me she is 'much loved' within her family of choice - she has a husband, and a son, plus a daughter (although she is estranged from her daughter) - estrangement has gone through several generations of our FOO.  A repeating theme.   She also has another FOC  - relating to the cultish group she is part of - and she told me she is a head of this - working across the world.  I know she feels safe within that group - but they frighten me in that they seem to want to control people and might be trying to get money out of them. 

When I first started writing to her, we wrote almost every day, and I felt over-whelmed, and then when I started to want space and wanted to reduce contact to once or twice a week, she told me that if I was her 'spiritual sister' I would want to write daily - that was a warning bell to me that she was possibly controlling.  I think she is. 

I really can't cope with being enmeshed in another controlling relationship - and I think what I want to do is break free from that.  Hence for the moment, I am considering being VLC or possibly NC depending on what happens - I don't think she will contact me again, if I don't reply - but I don't know.

If anyone is reading this, then thank you - because it must sound very long-winded, but I feel 'torn' about this in some ways, but at the same time, the stronger part of myself is telling me that I need to preserve my own mental health - I need to live my own life - and with a FOC (family of choice) rather than a family that wants to envelop me.  I hope that makes sense.

I think I should write 'trigger warning' at the start of this post, as I think I triggered myself - wasn't expecting that...

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 04, 2017, 08:45:54 PM
 :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on November 04, 2017, 09:18:14 PM
 :bighug: You are doing incredible well looking after yourself in such a tough situation.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 05, 2017, 01:48:36 AM
hope, i think you already know what you need to do.  just take your time, which it seems that you are really doing a good job with. 

i've been estranged from my sister for nearly 30 yrs.  for a long time it bothered me, but there were many of the same qualities of which you speak.  it was her way or the highway, to put it in a nutshell.   i, too, feel freer without her in my life.  it's too bad, but self-care is most important.  no more energy into saying and doing things 'just right' that wouldn't upset her.

sending you a hug filled with warmth and love.


Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 05, 2017, 03:09:56 AM
Hi Hope, I'm new here.

I don't really know about this stuff but I guess hugs make it better.

:grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 06, 2017, 06:00:44 PM
Just to say that I feel so supported by all your replies - thank you so much, they have all really helped me - thank you.   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 08, 2017, 03:43:12 PM
Journal Entry on 8th November 2017

So far so good this week - I'm doing ok.  I haven't had any further communications from my sister, and I'm not anticipating any - she wrote quite an aggressive and defensive E-mail to me, and I didn't reply.  I think the stress of that was wondering what to do - and I found it so helpful to write here in my Journal, and receiving so much support back - it really helped.

Anyway, I'm trying to be kind to myself this week - just getting through things that need doing, and not putting too many 'demands' on myself - as I feel I can't cope with them.  But the things I am doing, I am coping - so that feels ok.

I've ordered a book - which was one that ThreeRoses mentioned a few times, and I found that there's a new edition of it (January 2016) so I've ordered that one - and it will arrive by the weekend hopefully.  It's by Steven Farmer and it's called "Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have been Physically, Sexually or Emotionally Abused." - and I think it will be helpful to me.  I love the words 'Healing program' - they sound positive. 

I've been having thoughts relating to past events more often recently -and I think I need to write more about those - so I hope to do that when I feel I can.  But I'm going to pace myself - and take my time - because I think that way I can hopefully cope and get through the processing of things.

My partner has told me that I've been disturbed in my sleep - i.e. he told me that I seemed quite distressed and my heart was 'beating ten to the dozen' - and yet, I have no memory of that.  But I know it's suggesting I am processing things at night, and I really hope that I can experience more peaceful sleep, so that I don't disturb my partner's sleep.  He said it didn't last too long.  So that was good.

I hope to start reading my new book on the weekend, and I will take it slowly.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on November 08, 2017, 04:58:05 PM
So good that you are taking time to do those tasks that you feel you can cope with. Its part of self-care, is it not? Not overdoing it.

Its also good that you are processing at night. Maybe its a form of deeper processing?

I hope you have a continued good day!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 08, 2017, 06:40:30 PM
i'm with sceal in wishing you well with all this, and i do think you're doing a good job already.  well done, hope.   big hug!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 09, 2017, 10:51:37 AM
Thanks Sceal & SanMagic  :)

Journal Entry for 9th November 2017

I feel more reflective today - I've been reading through some of the past E-mail communications with my sister.  Processing things she said - making sense of pieces of the jig-saw of my life that her narrative has enabled me to 'fill in' - but recognising at the same time that she has her own perspectives on that time, just as I have mine. 

I've also been doing various tasks and chores that I need to do - some have been things I've 'put off' - so actually getting round to 'doing them' feels positive.  Somehow there feels like there's more 'space' for me to do that currently.  I am thankful, as it feels good when I accomplish something.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 10, 2017, 04:19:13 AM
Hi Hope  :)

Reflection can give you a lot of insights. Glad you're learning something from it.

Nice to have a productive day, huh? Heh.

Take care, Hope.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 11, 2017, 06:30:01 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you for your lovely reply - I appreciate it.  :-)

Journal entry for 11th November 2017

It's the weekend, and my book hasn't arrived - I was disappointed, but I decided that I'd focus on some 'time line' kind of stuff - and so I worked from various notes and writings that I've done in the past, and I literally wrote some line diagrams with the central part having a year and then from that year I wrote things that happened at that time - both from my own perspective (my own events) and then what I know/have learned from the accounts of my FOO (family of origin).  I think I accomplished a lot, because I found it really useful to see the diagrams, and I began to notice themes and also began to see how many 'triggering events' there had been, and at what time they had happened - and then how the family reacted to those.

Emotionally, I found that I ended up tearful at different points in the day - and my partner was concerned for me.  However I explained to him that I need to process things - and work through some intense feelings - there's grief there, and anger too - and I'm getting in touch with those emotions, as opposed to my previous pattern of pushing them down, and dissociating from them.  I think he understands.  But it worries me at the same time, that I may be distancing myself from him, by processing issues relating to my FOO.  Afterall, I need to live in the 'here and now' - in my current 'relationships' rather than continually trying to work out and understand my FOO and their dysfunctional toxicity.  That is how I see it - they are and have been toxic for me.

Anyway, I am glad I did that 'timeline' stuff today - because I actually 'did it' rather than just 'thinking about it' - I can often have good well made plans, but then manage to avoid actually putting them into place, and today - I 'did' it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 12, 2017, 11:38:26 AM
Hi Hope. :)

I noticed that when I see my achievements on one day, it seems worthless. But when I see how progress adds up on a long period of time, I think I'm doing pretty well. I hope you got the same experience on reflecting on your past.

I'm glad that you recognize that it's essential to feel your feelings and are able to communicate it to your husband.

Well, it's just my opinion and you get to choose whether to follow it or not. I heard something like this from woodsgnome. While you're supposed to move on to the present, it seems a lot of issues in the present can only be understand and solved by understanding your past. But there is also a point where understanding your past doesn't give insights as much anymore and become ways to hurt you. So ask yourself : Is it giving more insights or is it just hurting you?
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 13, 2017, 05:42:13 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
What you said was really helpful, so thank you for your comments.  I also like the wise words of Woodsgnome too - it makes a lot of sense.  Many thanks.   :)

Journal Entry for 13th November 2017

Not really sure what I'm going to write today - but I wanted to 'touch base' with my journal, and I have been doing more 'reflecting' on things - and just allowing my feelings to surface as and when they want to.  It's been ok. 

My book that I'd ordered has arrived - it's called 'Adult Children of Abusive Parents' (by Steven Farmer) and it's the 25th anniversary updated edition.  I am excited about reading it, but I know I need to pace myself.  So I'm not 'rushing into' reading it - I will wait till I am feeling up to it.

I am beginning to get triggered by the thought of the Christmas holidays - even though they are still some weeks away - but already people are mentioning things that they want to do - and wanting me to do them with them - this relates to my partner's family - and that's ok - I don't mind being included in those things, it's lovely to be asked to join in - but it then makes me think about the fact that I'm not doing those things with my FOO.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to do those things with my FOO - but it intensifies my feelings - some of which feel as if I'm 'guilty' for spending time with my FOC, when my FOO would 'expect' me to be with them.

I feel like it's time to start writing some more 'letters' - to express my feelings that way - as I find that to be really therapeutic - I know I have a 'lot to say' and I need to vent it and let it out.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 13, 2017, 07:56:10 PM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on November 14, 2017, 09:49:27 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 14, 2017, 07:44:04 PM
you go, hope.  choices of self-care never need guilt attached, in my opinion.  the holidays are tricky cuz of the hype about family, but it sounds like you have a lovely 'family' to spend them with.   your foo is what it is, and your choice is valid.

big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 16, 2017, 05:10:00 PM
Hi Blueberry, Sceal & SanMagic,
Thank you all for your lovely replies and I appreciate the hugs  :hug:

Journal Entry for 16th November 2017

A mixed few days since I last wrote here - emotions varying day to day - but I've started reading the book by Stephen Farmer, and it is a powerful book - I feel like it's been written as if he 'knows' me and that he knows exactly what I've been through - and I'm being very careful in reading it - so that I protect myself and don't dive into anything - because I have a feeling it's a big thing to do stuff in that book.

I'm beginning to consider doing some more 'letters not to send' writing - and I hope to share that in the forum, because I seek validation in doing that - as well as 'getting the feelings out' - but again, I am keen to pace myself and so that is what I'm doing.  Taking things slowly.  Thinking, considering, and with that comes a range of emotions - I've noticed I'm 'reacting' more to triggers - and experiencing more frequent EFs at the moment - but I'm trying to process the triggers more and also I'm trying to understand my feelings more.  Staying more 'in the moment' as and when I can, rather than dissociating off. 

I also want to work on finding out more about what I 'like and don't like' as a person - because I've not really felt able to develop confidence in that - and infact it can be overwhelming when I get to make a decision - it can be so difficult - I'd like to give an example here, but I can feel there's an 'inner critic' telling me that if I share an example that I will look stupid.  That's how I 'feel' in those circumstances where I find I can't decide - and sometimes I get my partner to help me out and get him to choose... 

I've had a few more sleep 'disturbances' which I've been aware of - and I've felt very scared and anxious at nighttime when I've realised those - but I feel as if that is how I felt when I was a small child - and so I'm recognising that whatever is frightening me, it's not from the present time - it's from the past.  That seems to help me - and I hope that it will continue to be the case.

Even as I write this, I think - does this make sense - am I writing it in a coherent way.  I doubt myself.  But I know whenever I re-read things I write, that on those occasions I think 'Wow, how did I do that' - it is ok...  So I am not going to edit or change what I write - I will just 'say it'.

I've found when I'm reading posts in the forum lately that I feel 'over-whelmed' - and that annoys me, because I value so much being able to read the posts and see what people are writing about - and I relate so much to things people say - but yet I feel over-whelmed and then feel 'tongue-tied' as if I can't interact and contribute. 

Then sometimes I am feeling more able to just launch in and say something - how come I feel stronger on those occasions - consistency would be nice, but I guess that's the thing with being triggered and reacting and processing and handling things.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on November 16, 2017, 05:18:46 PM
Your writing makes perfect sense. It has evolved a bit, I think, from being careful and tentative to being more inquisitive. It's just a change, so please don't read anything negative into that. ;)

I've read that book several times. The first time I kind of skipped around doing the exercises but I found that when I did them, and did them in the order they're presented, I got more out of them. When you said,
Quote
I also want to work on finding out more about what I 'like and don't like' as a person 
, I think those writing exercises may ultimately help with that.

I'm very interested in what you think if this book so please say more, when you can.
:heythere:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 16, 2017, 06:51:53 PM
hope, you're still making a decision about whether/what to say to your sister, correct?  it may be, and i'm just guessing, that as you're getting closer to making a decision, that part of you is coming to the fore and causing some of these situations for you.  what you want/don't want would seem to fit perfectly in there.

it seems that you may be on the edge of a change for yourself right now with the whole sister thing, and that could be bringing up extra emotions, which could also cause that overwhelming sensation while you're reading other posts.  again, just guessing.  does that make sense?

at any rate, i have no doubt you'll figure all of this out - it sounds like you're very close to a breakthrough, a positive one.  standing right beside you - you'll be ok.   warm, loving hug to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 18, 2017, 12:25:07 PM
Hi ThreeRoses - thanks for your reply and I am pleased to think my writing has evolved - and I like the change from 'careful and tentative' to 'inquisitive' - I think that's a positive thing, and I am grateful to you for sharing your thoughts on that.  Thank you.  Regarding the book - so far I'm reading it through in full - but at the same time I've picked some of the exercises to do - those that relate to being mindful really - and that process has been very helpful already.  I do intend to do them in a more disciplined way - i.e. more thoroughly and in order, but I want to complete the full book before going back over it and taking that approach.  I have been really impressed by the book so far.  But at the same time, I'm glad I've done other reading - because if I came to that book first, I think it could have really 'blown me over' in terms of its powerfulness - i.e. I think I needed to be 'ready' - before I could cope with it.  Does that make sense...?  I'm aware it's your Birthday today - so I hope you're going to have a day that is a positive one and that you'll enjoy it. 

Hi SanMagic,
You are right in that I've been considering what to do about my sister - and whether I 'want' to continue in my relationship with her or whether I 'don't want' to - and so far I am realising that I feel 'better' when I'm not writing to her - and as she is not contacting me anymore, I wonder if maybe she feels the same...?  I don't know - I know I can't be responsible for her, and that I hardly 'know' her.   I am aware that there's a part of me that wants to 'make things all ok' - but I know that in reality I can't do that - and I just need to look at what I need in this life - because my FOO haven't looked out for my needs - even when I was small - my emotional needs were not addressed.  I know that.  My sister 'escaped' the FOO very early - and she has her own FOC - they are very different again - and I know that I need to think about my FOC - and nurture and tend to that - and begin to learn more about myself and my needs and wants as well.  SanMagic, thank you for your lovely reply.  I feel like you're right, that I'm getting close to a positive realisation/change - it feels good.

Journal Entry for 18th November 2017
It's midday on Saturday as I write this and it's a sunny day.  I am feeling more hopeful about the future today than I've felt for some time.  I like that feeling, and I really hope that it will stay with me and I can enjoy it. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 18, 2017, 03:18:36 PM
Quote from: Hope66 on November 18, 2017, 12:25:07 PM
Journal Entry for 18th November 2017
It's midday on Saturday as I write this and it's a sunny day.  I am feeling more hopeful about the future today than I've felt for some time.  I like that feeling, and I really hope that it will stay with me and I can enjoy it. 
Hope  :)

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  :fireworks:

And even if the feeling becomes less pronounced, as they often do when life takes over, it's an achievement that you are feeling this now. When I feel positive, hopeful emotions rather than depression, it's easier to tap them again and go back to feeling them. I so wish this for you too.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 18, 2017, 07:55:18 PM
Thanks Blueberry - those fireworks are amazing!  I love them!!!   :)  It's been a good day today and I am grateful for that.   :)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 19, 2017, 12:18:06 AM
yay, you!  so very glad for you that your day is going well.  such a wonderful feeling.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 19, 2017, 06:34:34 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you.  I enjoyed the feeling for a while - definitely!   :)

Journal Entry for 19th November 2017

I did feel good, and then my inner critic must have 'set to work' because it caused me to 'negate' much of my positive feelings - and I also ended up getting some dreams that centred around thoughts that my FOO were ill/dying - this is unlikely, but I thought to myself that it was a way of punishing me for having some positive thoughts about my future.

I got really upset about this, when trying to explain it to my partner, and then ended up in a very powerful EF - I think - where I felt as if I couldn't speak at all - like as if there were hands around my throat - squeezing my breath - and I was amazed that I was literally 'choked up'.  This makes me think of the book by Bessel Van der Kolk - about 'The Body Keeps the Score' and I wonder if maybe I was 'choked' or maybe just that I couldn't speak and express my emotions and voice when I was a child, and that somehow when I get really upset, it repeats - and I 'feel the same'.

Anyway, the thing is that I am not feeling 'over-whelmed' anymore by this process - and 3Roses was right in saying that my writing is more 'inquisitive' - as that is how I feel about this process now - I feel as if I'm truely learning things about myself, and I don't feel so scared about discovering and finding things out. 

I also just saw a thread that HealingFinally wrote, and BlancaLap replied to - which was very helpful to me - and I related to that a lot.  I felt like I could have written a similar thread today - and I was grateful someone else had done just that, and expressed something I related to - it made me feel less alone in this, and that there are people who completely understand.

So, I conclude it's been eye-opening to me to see how I react to experiencing some positive emotions and feelings - and how my mind has tried to sabotage and repress those.  But I'm going to pursue the positives, and hope to have more of them, and begin to enjoy them, and experience the negatives and the positives - both being vital parts of life.  That's what I hope.

So I say again - I am still feeling good about my future - and I'd like to thank all those of you here - because you are alongside, and I feel braver for knowing the community is here and so supportive.   :grouphug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 19, 2017, 09:24:11 PM
Hey Hope,
That sounds really positive, upbeat and forward-looking despite what Inner Cr. got up to. You got waylaid by I.Cr. a bit but then you pulled through.  :applause: :cheer: :cheer:

Your post sounds really strong at the end, so that means to me that your writing is getting stronger.

Yes, that title "The Body Keeps the Score" is very apt! I'm so sorry you felt choked today and probably did literally or figuratively as a child.   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 21, 2017, 10:01:47 AM
Glad you're feeling that way, Hope.

Inquisitiveness is good. The special thing about curiosity is that you're not asking "What good will happen next?" or asking, "What bad will happen next?" Curiosity simply wants to understand without it needing it to be bad or good. It's a type of fullhearted acceptance of things and it's great you're embracing it here.

:cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 21, 2017, 06:54:05 PM
Hi Blueberry & Decimal Rocket,
Thank you both for your replies - I really appreciate them.   :)

Journal Entry for 21st November 2017 - I received an unexpected communication today - via E-mail - from my FOO - and I came here to the forum to 'vent' about it - which was a good thing to have done - and I had a really helpful reply from Goth_Mike who suggested putting it in the Junk file - which I've done - and wow, that felt good!!!   :)

Wouldn't it be great if we could take all the bits of our lives that we didn't like and put them in the 'junk file' - turn our backs on them and just move forward afresh - I guess that's what can happen - in walking away from an abusive situation - I just need to sort my head out - so that I can focus on interacting positively with life and seeing what it has to offer for the next few decades of my life.  I figure I'm 'half-way' through my life - I'm aspiring to live as long as I can - and I would like to ensure that my life is one where I can enjoy the entire range of emotions - rather than feel repressed and shut-down, which I think was the case for a time in my childhood and much of my adult life to date.

I think my emotions are more up and down at the moment - which is a bit scary in some ways - but exciting at another level - I feel as if different parts of my personality are beginning to feel more confident to 'pop out' and I wonder what that represents for me.  I don't quite know how to describe that - is it like they are just elements of my personality, or my inner children, or what?  I don't know...  But it's feeling more 'free' - to think about and express different parts of myself that felt bound up before. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 23, 2017, 05:34:35 PM
Journal Entry for 23rd November 2017

I feel a bit stressed out internally - I've been rushing around today - trying to do many things and not really managing to complete anything, and it feels frustrating.

I felt more anger at my M for sending that E-mail - and also annoyance at myself for opening the E-mail - but it's human curiosity that made me do it - and I should have known better.  But anyway, it's in the 'junk box' now, and I did feel better for having done that.

Interesting that when I look around the forum, somehow I'm feeling a bit panicky - as if I feel like I want to write something in different parts of it, but feeling like I don't know where to start...  So 'over-whelmed' matches my feelings right now.

I'm going to try to calm myself - maybe with a relaxing cup of tea or something like that. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: AphoticAtramentous on November 23, 2017, 08:49:39 PM
Sorry to hear about that stress, Hope. ^^" Take it easy. :) You deserve the rest and calm.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 24, 2017, 08:12:04 PM
Thanks so much AphoticAtramentous, I appreciate your reply and lovely comment.   :)

Journal entry for 24th November 2017

I had processed my emotions over the past few days - and I realised that I had felt a bit 'high' in my emotion - not sure if that's the right way to describe it - but I felt some positive emotion, but also some sense of stress, of being over-whelmed and also anxious - so it was a mixture.  I know that when I felt the positive emotions - the 'high' feeling - that my inner critic (IC) appeared to dislike that intensely and I felt some sense of shame for feeling that way - but there was also part of me that was 'excited' about feeling those things - and wanted to feel them more often. 

I've also noticed that I'm feeling more intensely connected to 'upset' type emotions - probably intense 'grief' like emotions - because it worries me that I might start crying and not be able to stop.  Thankfully it doesn't last very long - and is triggered by TV programmes that centre around issues relating to the festive period - Christmas etc.  There are more of those at the moment of course.

I felt some sadness that one of my relatives - my paternal Aunt has died - and yet I never knew her - never met her (to my knowledge) and I wonder what her life was like and what kind of person she was.  Sad that she was used in an E-mail - in terms of her birth year and death year - and nothing else said about her.

Part of me feels bad for the fact that I've not managed to reach out to my sister - and to try to 'work things out' with her - but I know that things can't be 'worked out' - it feels impossible to do that.  My FOO all feels dysfunctional, broken, estranged at every single generational level - across more than several generations - it can't be repaired.  It's not my place to repair it - I tried to hold bits together as a small child - how I could I do that - how could I possibly have any control on any of it.  I couldn't.  I can't now - I am still working out my own identity, my own preferences, my own likes and dislikes.

I do feel stronger in myself.  I don't quite know where the strength is coming from, but I feel it.  I am glad of it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on November 24, 2017, 08:31:19 PM
More strength to you! In my FOO, there is only me and my sibling left, and he is very, very sick (mentally or emotionally disturbed). I'm just not able to have a relationship with him, also he was one of my abusers. My whole FOO was. It feels very weird to know my FOO is gone or unavailable to me. My heart goes out to you, Hope.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2017, 08:34:17 PM
hope, i think that a lot of the holiday stuff wears on us when it comes to estranged family.  so much emphasis on family, like we're somehow failures if ours doesn't look like the ones in the movies.   someone once told me that those families only look like that cuz they're scripted, rehearsed, and directed to.  that made a lot of sense to me, and helped relieve some of the pressure i was feeling.

if/when you get ready to post elsewhere on the forum, i believe that some topic will call to you and you'll know it's the one.  until then, maybe you can let it go - instead of searching for which one is the 'right' one, let it come to you.  i think it will make itself known in due time.

i agree with you about not being able to fix others or our relationships with others who don't want to put in the work themselves.  if all they are capable of seeing is their own point of view, well, there's really nothing to fix anymore.

so very glad to hear you're feeling some extra strength lately.  it is a good feeling, isn't it?  i get it at times - it doesn't always last for me, but i always know it was there for a bit, and can believe that i'll feel it again.  that's a good feeling.

keep taking care of you, hope.  i think you're doing great.  love and hugs to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 25, 2017, 04:35:12 PM
Thank you so much, ThreeRoses and SanMagic - your replies mean a lot - and  :hug: to you both. 

Journal entry for 25th November 2017

As it's the weekend, I somehow feel better - I've given myself permission to just 'be' rather than wondering what to do or how to spend my time - and I've tried to say 'with' any emotions or feelings - rather than trying to distract myself from them - I've felt many feelings as a result - but they don't last all that long - they are transient and so I've experienced them for what they are - and not dwelt on them too long.

I am opening up more to friends in letters too - as I prepare for Christmas and gradually write 'catch-up' letters to them.  Some of them have no idea that there are any issues at all in my FOO - so it's a bit of an eye-opener to be sharing things with some of them.  I am normally incredibly private about that side of my life.

Such a pity that I couldn't be open about all aspects of my life - and not feel I am always treading the lines of respecting different people's secrets or privacy - now is a time when I can choose my own privacy boundaries, and I will try to share things with the ones I trust - and see how things go.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 25, 2017, 04:44:20 PM
little by little, step by step, hope.  it all counts.  sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do.  big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 26, 2017, 12:54:00 PM
Thanks SanMagic - step by step is definitely a good way to approach things.  Thanks so much for the hug - and  :hug: back to you.   :)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 27, 2017, 10:20:44 AM
Hey, Hope. Lots of us have trouble with opening up with people and it's a great courage to be able to open up. I'm glad you're able to catch up with your friends like that.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 27, 2017, 05:54:50 PM
Hi DecimalRocket, Thanks for the hug and your reply - I appreciate it - I'm gradually opening up each year to different friends - but understandably proceeding with caution - I think it's a lot for people to take in - but I've been surprised by how well my good friends have reacted - they have proved to be good friends.  I am lucky.

Journal entry for 27th November 2017
I've just triggered myself a bit by listing a few words that I remember being said to me as a child by my FOO - and particularly a comment by my F (trigger warning here) *** and I think I'm going to write about it in another part of the forum - but I don't know when - as I have things I need to do - so feeling a bit rushed for time - but I know I've evoked some feelings of anger towards my F - because he violated my trust as a child, and it's not right.

I feel glad to have this place to come to and 'get things out' - it really helps. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 29, 2017, 05:16:15 PM
Journal entry for 29th November 2017

It took me a while to stabilise, but I'm relatively ok today - so that is a relief.  I felt much better for talking about things in the other part of the forum - and I pushed back those feelings that came to me which were feelings of being 'ashamed' - because I know it's 'not my fault' that things happened to me - and I shouldn't therefore feel 'shame' about it - but somehow that's the feeling that comes into my head about it.  Hard to shake it off.

I am glad that I felt some anger - because that is normal.  Infact I imagined what someone else would say if they discovered a similar situation - and how they might react - and I think they would be disgusted and angry.

Anyway, I feel calmer again, and the day has been ok.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 29, 2017, 05:49:27 PM
Hey Hope,
That all sounds like good progress to me!  :cheer:

No, it wasn't your fault. Knowing that is a step towards not feeling the shame that rightfully belongs with the abuser.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on November 29, 2017, 07:52:52 PM
Blueberry - thank you.  I agree with you that shame and connected emotions should definitely lie with the abuser.  Thanks for your support.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 02, 2017, 01:59:47 PM
It's really a relief to let go of blame towards yourself, right? That's progress.

Take care, Hope.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 02, 2017, 07:26:34 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket - Yes, I agree with you, and thank you so much for your lovely comment.  I appreciate it.   :)

Journal entry for 2nd December 2017

A bit of a mixed few days - but overall I think I'm feeling 'stronger' - and that is a good feeling.  I feel like I'm better able to identify my triggers for EFs now - and I am more aware of them, and thankfully they don't seem to 'last too long' - I'm able to move on and 'cope better' - I think part of that is that I'm allowing myself to 'feel more' and experience whatever emotion is there - rather than dissociating from it.  I think I am more 'present' in day to day events - taking more details in when I watch TV or read.

I'm reading another book - this one is called 'Positivity' and it's by Barbara Fredrickson, and it is 'Groundbreaking Research to Release your Inner Optimist and Thrive' - and so far it's a readable and pleasant book - and I'm enjoying it.  It makes sense, and I am finding that it's helping me to appreciate more things around me.  I think it blends well with Mindfulness kind of concepts and being more 'in the moment' - appreciating colours and textures and whatever happens to be there in the here and now.  Much better than my previous inability to stop myself from ruminating about the past - I was doing that almost constantly at one time, and probably over the course of a couple of years - it was at its height and drained me so much.  So it's good to see the difference, and to 'feel it' as well.

I find that writing about my CSA in the other part of the forum has been so helpful - because when I write it there, I 'air it' 'process it' to some degree, and then 'leave it there' - and the replies I've had from people in this forum have been so validating and made me feel supported and understood.  You really 'get it' and I value that so much.

I'm trying not to put pressure on myself to rush into any particular area - i.e. I'm trying to pace myself and begin to think about what I would 'like to do' rather than what I feel I 'should' be doing or 'ought to be doing' - because I acknowledge that some of those messages are likely to come from my FOO, and not from my heart.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on December 02, 2017, 07:44:59 PM
Quote from: Hope66 on December 02, 2017, 07:26:34 PM
A bit of a mixed few days - but overall I think I'm feeling 'stronger' - and that is a good feeling.  I feel like I'm better able to identify my triggers for EFs now - and I am more aware of them, and thankfully they don't seem to 'last too long' - I'm able to move on and 'cope better' - I think part of that is that I'm allowing myself to 'feel more' and experience whatever emotion is there - rather than dissociating from it.  I think I am more 'present' in day to day events - taking more details in when I watch TV or read.

That sounds really good! I understand that you're staying more in the moment and because of that you're making progress.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Quote from: Hope66 on December 02, 2017, 07:26:34 PM
I'm trying not to put pressure on myself to rush into any particular area - i.e. I'm trying to pace myself and begin to think about what I would 'like to do' rather than what I feel I 'should' be doing or 'ought to be doing' - because I acknowledge that some of those messages are likely to come from my FOO, and not from my heart.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: here too, for being on the way to finding your own wishes instead of FOO's.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 05, 2017, 04:27:32 PM
Thank you Blueberry - your support means a lot.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 05, 2017, 04:49:52 PM
Journal Entry for 5th December 2017

I feel a bit over-whelmed, but probably more to do with the fact that there is too much to do - and I am struggling with doing things...!  But I am managing to accomplish something each day, and gradually ticking things off a list I've made.   

I've been having panicky thoughts relating to my FOO, and I have also been thinking about the fact that I can't remember quite a bit of my childhood between the ages of 12 and 17 years - and the bits I can remember make me think that something traumatic has gone on during those years - I know that earlier in my life, things weren't 'right' either - but I guess as I try to process my time line of life, I am realising that there are parts that are very cloudy indeed, and I can't see what was going on. 

I am also thinking again about what to do regarding my sister, and the fact Christmas is nearly here - and whether or not I want to contact her again or not.  She has made no attempts to contact me, and I've not contacted her.  So it's a stalemate - pretty much exactly like last year - this happened then as well. 

I sometimes wonder whether I should pay for a few sessions with my therapist that I saw previously, just to talk through the issues, but when I think about doing that, I remember that when I saw her previously, I got the impression that she didn't think it was a good idea to even make contact with my sister.  Almost as if her view was 'Why would you want to take on that extra 'can of worms' - I know she didn't actually say that, this is what I 'think' she meant, by things she said.

My partner's view is that my entire FOO are 'trouble' - I can understand his perspective - I believe that too, but at the same time, I don't 'blame' any one of them - I think that our traumas are 'generational' - stemming from past trauma through the generations, and so each and every one of us was damaged and affected and we are all just doing our best in the circumstances to survive and build our lives.

Anyway, I am sure I will be coming here to try to sort out my thoughts and my feelings and find a way through them, and 'decide' what to do - I know there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way - I can only choose the way that I think is best at the time, and see what happens...

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 05, 2017, 05:00:47 PM
Needed to come back to say, that as I re-read what I wrote here just now, a big part of me spoke out and said "But you DO blame them"  'They shouldn't have done some of the things, indeed, MANY of the things they did to you.  You DO feel ANGRY about that.  Don't be passive and sit back and say you're not bothered, because you ARE bothered."
Interesting to think of the thoughts that came to mind - like I wasn't being 'authentic' and 'true' to myself...
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 05, 2017, 09:58:47 PM
hope, that splurge of honesty was wondrous to behold.  i feel exactly the same.  i know that a lot of the people who have hurt me were also hurt in their pasts.  but, doggone it, so was i and i haven't treated people like i've been treated.  there are choices to be made, and they made theirs.  they didn't have to be mean and hurtful to us, but they chose to.

i know this because my narc ex and daughter were given so many chances during years and years of therapy to make different choices.  maybe my parents didn't have this option, didn't know better, etc., but many of my tormentors were educated, knowledgeable about therapy (including my narc therapist) and chose to continue what they were doing to me.

so, yes, i have put blame even while understanding about their histories.  how many people here have spoken to feeling sorry for what they may have done to others?  that's why they're here - they want to make changes so they don't do the same thing in the future. 

the people who hurt us haven't taken advantage of acknowledging what they've done to us.  they can carry the blame instead of me.  or you.  or any of us here.

warm, loving hug to you, hope.  you're beautiful, too.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on December 05, 2017, 10:16:26 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 05, 2017, 09:58:47 PM
hope, that splurge of honesty was wondrous to behold.  i feel exactly the same.  i know that a lot of the people who have hurt me were also hurt in their pasts.  but, doggone it, so was i and i haven't treated people like i've been treated.  there are choices to be made, and they made theirs.  they didn't have to be mean and hurtful to us, but they chose to.

:yeahthat:

In my case, members of FOO were mean and hurtful not that long ago at all. They chose that and would choose it again. I know you're NC, Hope, but there's a reason for that. Once you commented to me that my FOO has a lot to answer for. It sounds as if yours does too.

Hope, I can feel the strength in your post when you express this anger.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 06, 2017, 01:05:25 PM
It's really something to realize your anger. Emotions like these are necesarry to protect ourselves, and to fight back.

It's really something to try to break the cycle of generational hatred and stress. It's a cycle that reinforces itself over and over. The more hatred and cruelty there is, the more it will spread throughout time and places if nothing is done.

By finding what you personally value — your authenticity — then you're allowing yourself and others who you cross in your life through your words and actions a way out of this cycle. Success in something is often exponential — it doubles, triples and quadruples over time and to continue this is some amazing stuff.

Oops. Sorry if it's too long — I've been obsessed with studying feedback loops and cycles recently and I'm finding these everywhere.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 08, 2017, 10:26:58 AM
Hi SanMagic - thank you so much for your lovely reply - and I particularly related to you saying "the people who hurt us haven't taken advantage of acknowledging what they've done to us"  - I think that is definitely true - my FOO haven't taken responsibility at all.  It's like they don't think there's a problem.  Maybe their view is 'out of sight, out of mind' - I don't know...  Anyway, I thank you for your kind words, and ever lovely support. 

Hi Blueberry - I agree with you - for us both, our FOO have "a lot to answer for" - and it is horrible that your FOO have been mean and hurtful to you - not that long ago - mine have too - although I am NC, they have tried to contact me now and again, and each time, it demonstrates how much they don't consider my thoughts or feelings, and only consider their own.  Narcissistic in the extreme - that's what I think.  Thank you for noticing the strength in my words - I do feel stronger - it's a good feeling - it doesn't always remain, but the fact it is there - it is welcome.  I wish you continued strength too - I always watch out for your posts and replies, and I relate so much to things you say and also to many of your experiences too.  Stay strong Blueberry -  :grouphug:

Hi DecimalRocket - Thank you so much for your reply, and I love it's length - it is just perfect!  You mentioned many things that I related to in your reply - and I love the fact that 'Authenticity' can be the way out of the cycle of hatred and stress - and I like how you described success in terms of being exponential and appreciating the power and nature of the feedback loops - I'm reading a book about research on Positivity at the moment, and that is literally giving me some 'Hope' about going forward and changing my life experiences to enjoy more positive times in my life.

Finally - today I want to thank Wife2 again - because she replied to my post about 'Disclosing some of my CSA' - with her Big Mama-Bear - and that was such a wonderful image, and was SO validating to me - I can't even put into words how that made me feel - it is incredibly powerful, emotional (in a good way) and has really helped me move forward - thank you!

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 11, 2017, 08:19:49 PM
Journal Entry 11th December 2017

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment - I can't work out if I'm in a long EF, or just 'over-whelmed' - it's really hard to think about my emotions and feelings right now.  So I just wanted to come here and write about it for a moment - and then maybe it will help me to separate what's going on, and help me make sense of it.

So - breaking it down - I guess these are some components - in no particular order:
a) Feeling as if I'm running out of time - too much to do and in too little time - just trying to get ready for Christmas and all the things related to that
b) Not knowing what I want to do about my sister - whether to send a card or not - to both her and to my nephew (her son) - yet we've fallen out again - so I am currently NC with her - but I still feel 'bad' about not being able to establish a relationship - but it wasn't easy, and it isn't easy.
c) Feeling as if I sometimes haven't got a meaningful 'role' anymore - now that I'm not working anymore.  But I do have some aspirations and I think I could 'make some money' doing some of those things - I just need to develop a plan and 'do it'.  But I lack confidence at the moment.  I lack direction too.
d) Still learning about 'what I like' 'what I want' 'what I need' - which is hard when I've usually thought of other people's wants/needs/likes.
e) Remembering how powerful the concept of 'Big Mama Bear' is - thank you Wife2 - that is incredible.
f) Various aches and pains surfacing - not sure why - maybe unresolved 'stuff' I need to deal with.  The Body keeping the score - I don't like it.

I think I need to 'relax' - to try to focus on some peace and tranquility - maybe just 'take a step back' and see if I can relax - I'll try that.

I'd like to be more 'present' in the forum here, but I've just not felt able to 'stop' and 'reflect' - and I've felt overwhelmed by my thoughts and my feelings - and yet I don't know how I am thinking or feeling.

:Idunno:

Oh well - I am glad I came here - just writing about it does help.

Hope   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 12, 2017, 07:00:13 PM
Journal Entry for 12th December 2017

I am feeling better today than I was yesterday - I am so relieved because it took a few days - and I know that part of it was the fact I am on my 'time of the month' and that also affects me.  I found it hard to know what was going on in my mind - I felt more anxious - less in control - and probably quite 'grumpy' - as I felt various aches and pains in my body. 

But I feel better today - and my mind is less 'cluttered' - and I don't feel that horrible sense of being 'overwhelmed' anymore.  At least not at this moment!  That is nice.

I was really taken aback that I got a Christmas card today, and the person asked me what my news had been for the past year - I had sent them an E-mail telling them about my estrangement from my FOO and the fact I'd reconnected with my sister - although I had fallen out with her - not being able to maintain a relationship that was already fragmented and broken (not by any fault of our own, just be circumstances) - and yet this person asked me what my news was...

I felt a bit incredulous, and I wrote to check they'd got my E-mail safely - and they replied that yes, they got it safely, but it was sent at the end of last year, and they wondered if 2017 had been an eventful year for me?!

This made me realise that in 'my mind' this whole thing is so 'important' - so 'relevant' and yet to someone else, it's like they don't really even see it as an issue.  I know I carry immense feelings of what I call 'toxic shame' around with me - like it's a heavy skirt and I try to walk along - whilst feeling tied up with the weight of that wet and heavy skirt.  I have an image of a Victorian Lady in my mind as I think about this - and it strikes me as 'bizarre' that that image came to mind! 

Anyway, it had taken me a long time to share my news with some of my friends - and that person is someone who knew me from many years ago, but whom is a long-distance friend - i.e. someone I only write to at Christmas, but he did meet my FOO at the time I knew him - so I assumed he'd be shocked and offer some kind of reaction to my news, rather than seemingly 'forget about it' - and then ask me if I've had an eventful year.

Again, I am annoyed at myself here - because I realise I am thinking that my life is important to others - and really - we're all struggling to get through the year in some way, and probably have various worries and concerns of our own, making it difficult to empathise and react to the news of other people.

I actually realise I feel a bit annoyed with my friend - that's what I feel - as if I think - If it was the other way around, I would have replied immediately and validated your experience, so why didn't you even acknowledge my news...

I talked to my partner last night about my worries about whether or not to send my sister a card for Christmas - bearing in mind we've 'fallen out' since mid November.  He didn't hide the fact that he thinks it's a bad idea.  He said we have 'nothing in common' - and she's 'trouble' - and you know, I think he is right - but there is part of me that feels like I should try to reach out to her again - but I also think it's a bad idea. 

She is linked to me on Facebook, and she sent me something on Messenger which was a 'chain snowball fight' - that was her only communication to me since we fell out this November - it made me think that she was a 'naughty school-girl' 'picking a fight for fun' - rather than a woman in her late 50's - it made me wonder if she's just a child at heart - and that made me sad that we weren't able to develop a childhood relationship - and yet it also made me think, how insensitive to do that, when she knows that her last communication to me via E-mail was quite vitriolic and defensive.  But she was responding in a 'fight' kind of way at the time, rather than my usual reaction to triggering events, which would more likely be 'freeze' or 'fawn'.

But I don't feel strong enough mentally to handle a relationship with her - that's the truth of it.  I feel like I need to protect myself, and my life, and my relationship with my partner, and that's all I can handle. 

I feel very tearful now - and I wonder what has brought those tears to the fore.  But I feel very emotional right now. 

I remember that I couldn't even say the word 'sister' or talk about my sister without crying - it was soooooo emotional to even process the fact I had a sister - because I'd been denied her presence, and NOT allowed to talk about her.

I had been excited when I finally found her, and excited to make contact, and I really worked hard to hear her experiences and validate her experience, and felt she validated mine.  But I felt that she didn't understand my perspective really - I felt like she judged me - I felt like she didn't understand me, and I felt like she wanted me to believe some really weird stuff that she is into - Cult-like stuff - I am open-minded, but not that open-minded.  I did try to listen and be non-judgemental, but I couldn't manage it.  I wanted to be authentic to my own thoughts and feelings and beliefs too.

Anyway, I wasn't expecting to end up writing so much here, and if you're reading, then thank you.   Just having this space to come and talk - it's so valuable.

I do feel better than I did - and I think it's good that I'm talking about my feelings and airing them.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on December 12, 2017, 11:07:24 PM
Quote from: Hope66 on December 12, 2017, 07:00:13 PM
I talked to my partner last night about my worries about whether or not to send my sister a card for Christmas - bearing in mind we've 'fallen out' since mid November.  He didn't hide the fact that he thinks it's a bad idea.  He said we have 'nothing in common' - and she's 'trouble' - and you know, I think he is right - but there is part of me that feels like I should try to reach out to her again - but I also think it's a bad idea. 

You know what strikes me here? Christmas is a time we reach out  :blahblahblah: but IME we with CPTSD have our own timetable for dealing with things and rushing to do something just because that's what everybody else does at that time is not necessarily appropriate.  We get to slow down now and do things how and when it feels right for us.

I had my own saying for a good while: "If the answer  isn't definitely 'Yes', then the answer is 'No'."  If the answer is (still) no, then, well, Christmas comes again, every year. I'm not sending any FOO Xmas cards this year either.

Quote from: Hope66 on December 12, 2017, 07:00:13 PM
But I don't feel strong enough mentally to handle a relationship with her - that's the truth of it.  I feel like I need to protect myself, and my life, and my relationship with my partner, and that's all I can handle. 

Yay  :cheer: you can feel what you need! Self and FOC take precedence over FOO in your feelings! Sounds like progress to me.

Quote from: Hope66 on December 12, 2017, 07:00:13 PM
I actually realise I feel a bit annoyed with my friend - that's what I feel - as if I think - If it was the other way around, I would have replied immediately and validated your experience, so why didn't you even acknowledge my news...

Feeling annoyed is OK. We're allowed to feel annoyed. I probably would too in a similar situation.

Quote from: Hope66 on December 12, 2017, 07:00:13 PM
I do feel better than I did
:cheer:

Quote from: Hope66 on December 12, 2017, 07:00:13 PM
I think it's good that I'm talking about my feelings and airing them.
:yes: you betcha!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 13, 2017, 01:04:11 AM
 :yeahthat:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 13, 2017, 02:43:54 AM
dear hope, i just love how you've been writing all this out, struggling thru the excuses, and finding your true feelings on the other side.  it is a shining light to me, because i see so much of who i was in it.  i was always looking for ways to make it ok for the other person while at the same time denying myself my truth.

i have to admit, i don't have the patience to do that much anymore.  since i've gotten in touch with my own awareness and anger about what i'm now aware of, i've stopped a lot of 'maybe so and so this or that' kind of stuff.   i can see your process and progress with this in what you've been writing, and i think it's beautiful to behold.

like your partner, just cutting thru all of it and saying what he said.  'don't' and 'she's trouble'.  my hub is able to do that, and i've always been a bit envious that i couldn't get to the nub of things like that.  but, i'm much closer to that now, and i can see you getting there as well.  yay.

sending a hug full of warmth and love and progress.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 13, 2017, 10:56:11 AM
Ah yes, it can be really invalidating when someone doesn't see your issues as important. Especially when they're deeply burdening you. It can really be damaging with that inner critic you have there — extra pressure, extra worries and extra fear.

Take care when you're grieving. You need all the time and rest you can get. It might not be the best when you're hearing it from someone who makes similar mistakes, but I hope that with repetition, we'll all get there.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 14, 2017, 10:24:39 AM
Hi Blueberry - thank you so much for your reply - and I found your comment about having our 'own timetable' to be particularly helpful - just because there are seasonal holidays when people feel they 'ought to' or 'should do' certain things, doesn't mean we should do them, if it doesn't feel right.  We can make our own choices - and that's important too.  Thank you so much for all your comments, I found them so helpful. 

Hi 3 Roses - thank you for your validation - means a lot.   :)

Hi SanMagic - thank you for your reply, and I appreciated what you said - particularly regarding the speed that people can 'get to the nub of things' - my partner can do that, because he's not got the fog and stormy stuff to negotiate - he hasn't got the past treacle sticking to his thoughts and opinions - but I have - and it takes me a bit longer to extricate myself from that sticky stuff, but I'm getting to it gradually - bit by bit, and I think that's ok!  Thank you for your comments - I always appreciate them.

Decimal Rocket - it definitely does help to hear what you said - you speak from experience, and it is incredibly meaningful to me - thank you!  You made such a valuable point about taking time to 'grieve' - I do recognise that I am grieving for the 'ideal' relationship with my FOO - whereas the reality is that it wasn't what I'd hoped for - and it feels sad and distressing when I consider that, but I know I need to process those feelings - and that is what I am starting to do - it's an ongoing process.  But I feel I am making some progress, step by step.

Journal Entry for 14th December 2017
I am so grateful for all the amazing and validating replies - I'm feeling 'better' today - in myself.  Although I suspect I'm processing things at night-time more, as my partner told me I've been waking up as if in distress in the middle of the night (the past couple of nights) - yet, I don't have memories of that this time, which in a way is better than me being aware of it...! 

I'm hoping to be able to read around in the forum more later today - if I get the chance, because I want to connect and see what is happening in other people's lives on here - and I am aware I've been 'wrapped up in myself' and not really looking outside that.  I'd like to therefore spend some time reading in the forum, and catching up with other people's situations and experiences.  But the fact I've written that now, makes me feel as if I've added another thing on my 'To Do' list - and I"m already fighting that - interesting...! 

Let's just say, I'll see how I feel, and act accordingly.  Wow, having the inner critic constantly on board, is always interesting. 

I have got a long 'To Do' list - and I can feel it beckoning me - so whilst I'm feeling up to tackling something - I will do so.  I hope to pop back later and read around the forum though. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on December 14, 2017, 09:24:24 PM
Hi Hope,

Came by to visit.  :bighug:

Andy :phoot:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 15, 2017, 10:47:28 AM
Hi Andy,
Lovely that you came by to visit - you made me smile.   :)  Thank you.   :hug:

Journal Entry for 15th December 2017

So far this morning I've done some things - accomplished a few things  - just by going slowly and carefully and taking my time - but somehow it's been easier to finish something, than trying to 'rush' - I've been 'in the moment' and it's been good.

So it's a good start to today.  I hope that I can keep this up over the weekend, because I have a lot of things I want to do - and need to finish, if possible - so I will keep going and just do 'what I can'.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on December 15, 2017, 06:14:32 PM
Hope,

Mission successful! Made you smile!  ;D

Andy  :phoot:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 16, 2017, 08:33:24 AM
Hey, Hope, can't say much. I got sick today.

But here are some reminders.

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

:grouphug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 16, 2017, 06:13:12 PM
Hi Andy, yes you definitely made me smile, and I am thankful that you popped by to do that.  You are a kind and lovely person.   :)   :hug: to you.
Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for those lovely big hugs  :grouphug: - I'm sorry to hear you're feeling sick today, and I hope you feel better soon.   :hug: to you.

Journal entry for 16th December 2017
I wrote a 'letter of recovery' last night, and felt a huge amount of emotion during the process of doing that, but began to dissociate towards the end.  I was thankful to Blueberry who came by and suggested that I do something 'grounding' - and I did try to do that, and it helped. 

I wanted to reflect on some of the thoughts and feelings and reactions I had after writing that letter - whilst they are fresh in my mind.  The weird thing was that somehow although I got in contact with 'some anger' and some 'upset' during the course of writing the letter, I ended up feeling some 'compassion' towards my F later, as if somehow I should be the one protecting him.  But then I thought to myself that is typical of how I've felt towards my parents my whole life - as if I need to 'protect' them and 'keep all the secrets' of the family - never tell them, never talk to others about it, and therefore when I do share any information - no matter what it is, then I feel bad for doing so, and I feel guilty, and then I feel like I'm 'not doing my job' in terms of 'protecting them' - so it's a bizarre thing - but that's how I feel.

I think it would be 'healthier' for me if I could get in touch with my emotions more - if I could 'feel' the sense of indignation, and repulsion that I know my partner feels about what's happened to me - he would stand up for me, and fight my corner if needed - but why can't I feel that sense of angst and anger on behalf of myself?  I come close to it sometimes, but many times it is like it is buried under a pile of extremely thick snow. 

I've just sat for a few minutes, and find I can't think of 'anything more to say' - it's like my mind has gone blank.  So I'll stop there for now. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on December 16, 2017, 09:15:29 PM
Quote from: Hope66 on December 16, 2017, 06:13:12 PM
The weird thing was that somehow although I got in contact with 'some anger' and some 'upset' during the course of writing the letter, I ended up feeling some 'compassion' towards my F later, as if somehow I should be the one protecting him.  But then I thought to myself that is typical of how I've felt towards my parents my whole life - as if I need to 'protect' them and 'keep all the secrets' of the family - never tell them, never talk to others about it, and therefore when I do share any information - no matter what it is, then I feel bad for doing so, and I feel guilty, and then I feel like I'm 'not doing my job' in terms of 'protecting them' - so it's a bizarre thing - but that's how I feel.

At odd times, I feel a sort of detached compassion towards M which to me seems healthy. It's a bit like beginning to 'let go' But it is much different from the guilt I used to feel all the time when I spoke up about what she or others did to me, and still sometimes feel. Within this guilty feeling there is a "I feel sorry for her" (or for enF). Ts told me that that weakened me because I focussed on compassion for them, as I'd always been groomed to feel, rather than focussing on myself, including compassion for so many hurt ICs and Inner Teens.

I saw on another thread that your ICritic is getting active. Correlation?

Quote from: Hope66 on December 16, 2017, 06:13:12 PM
but why can't I feel that sense of angst and anger on behalf of myself?  I come close to it sometimes, but many times it is like it is buried under a pile of extremely thick snow. 

IME 2 possible reasons: I'm not allowed to feel it. It's a FOO taboo.
Or: self-protection, because the amount of anger, indignation etc (not to mention the pain which is often hiding below that in my case) would bowl me over, and has done so in the past.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 17, 2017, 02:23:15 PM
Hi Blueberry,
It was incredibly helpful to me to read your reply - I read it last night, and I wanted to come back today and just tell you how helpful it was.  I think currently, that because I am only just beginning to write and vent about things - that the feelings I am having are such that any compassion I'm feeling - it's more of how I've been 'groomed to feel' rather than focussing on myself - like I'm 'not allowed' to focus on my own needs, and therefore if ever I cross that line, and point the finger in the direction that it should be pointed - then I feel a great sense of negativity come back at me, as if I've transgressed and broken a rule. 

The fact my Inner Critic awoke so ferociously last night, in reaction to what I'd written to my F in that 'letter' - it really shocked me at how strongly it 'beat me down' - and I was aware that it all co-incided with some other stuff that was going on - relating to my sister - it was an incredibly heavy load of stuff. 

I ended up watching a film last night in the end, and whilst I was aware I was dissociating frequently throughout it (which isn't an unusual occurrence for me) - but the film had some incredibly sad parts in it - it had themes of 'endings' 'death' and stuff like that - and I ended up unconsolably sobbing - crying - and just feeling incredibly raw.  But I think it was good, as those sobbing tears were cleansing at the same time, and it was good for me.  A venting of emotion, in a really strong way.

I slept ok - that was good.  I've woken today, and I feel calmer again.  My inner critic did shrink - as I used advice that Eyessoblue suggested to me in the other part of the forum - to talk back to my inner critic and argue with it a bit - I did that 'in my mind' at various points in the night - and it was effective to a degree, and I am thankful for that.  I'll use that again another time for definite.

I've made a decision now - that I'm NOT communicating anymore with my sister - I'm NOT sending her a Christmas card or any further communications - I am NC with her now, and the rest of my FOO.  I am standing by that decision. 

Thinking about what you also said, Blueberry, about FOO taboo.  I think you're right about that.  There were so many FOO Taboos put in place, and therefore to transgress that, it's like a forbidden thing - and 'NOT allowed' - but at the same time, I also relate to that other potential you wrote about - i.e. 'self-protection' - as I know that I try always to avoid getting into situations where I might be 'out of control' - incase I end up 'going too far' - i.e. I am truely scared at what might be unleashed if I 'allow' myself to 'let go' in some way.  Maybe if I unleash some anger and truely get in touch with it, then I might feel out of control and it would just be too scary.  Hence, maybe I bury my feelings deeply - as if they're under several feet of snow, as a protection. 

You have given me a lot to think about, and I thank you so much for that - as I really find it helpful to think about things in different ways, and hopefully a path through it all will be made apparent and the journey will be a positive one in the end.

My inner critic has abated somewhat, now it's the daytime again - and I feel calmer.  I'm glad I wrote that letter.  Thanks Blueberry, for your comments - they are really helpful to me. 

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 17, 2017, 06:44:25 PM
i've also been a protector, mainly of my narc ex and his secrets that he's only told me.  i've posted about some of it on the forum, and it was a real strain to do so, like i was breaking confidentiality or betraying him by saying the truth.

saying the truth.  dang, so difficult to do that, yet it's what brings all that we've had to bury into the light.  and the light is what takes the neg. power away and helps us  realize our own personal power.  that's how it finally felt to me, anyway.  the truth about the others in our lives is what opens new doors for us to go thru in order to find the truth about ourselves.

hope, we've had to control everything about ourselves and what's around us for so long, no wonder it's scary to think about 'losing' control.  personally, i don't think of it as losing anything, but gaining your self.  those emotions have been there for so long.  yeah, they can be explosive sometimes (just ask some of the docs i've been with this year, finding out different stuff about what wasn't taken care of for me in mex.  whoo, boy!), but it felt good to just let 'er rip.

that's not to say that it's not good to go slowly with letting emotions out.  they can be overwhelming because they're so strong and there are so many of them.  my opinion - i think you're doing a very good job with writing then feeling a bit at a time, questioning what it might mean, all that you're doing.   it's different for all of us, and, as always, your space, your pace.

congrats on your decision about your sister.  i agree with you.  she won't/can't be changed, and you don't need your energy going in her direction anymore.  you've done all you could, and you're clean in this now.  you can let her go and move on to other things.    :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 18, 2017, 07:45:26 PM
Dear SanMagic,
It means such a lot that you wrote what you did, and especially as I know how much pain you are going through yourself at the moment - please make sure that you're not stretching yourself too much here - I really hope that you are ok.

I read what you wrote yesterday, and wanted to digest it and think it through, and I felt so validated by everything you wrote - thank you.  I also held onto the last thing you said, about how I can let my sister go, and move on to other things.  It's like you've validated my decision, and I actually felt that I needed that - to hear someone say it was ok to do that - to move on, to make a decision for myself, and move on.  It's not been an easy decision to make, I've taken a lot of thought about it - but it feels like the right thing to do. 

I need to explore more what I think and how I feel about 'losing' control - I would love to gain my sense of 'self' - I still don't really know 'who I am' yet - because I've usually strived to fulfill my FOO's desires and wishes, rather than my own. 

Anyway SanMagic - you are a wonderful person, and I appreciate so much you coming in here and saying everything you've said - I know you were tired, in pain, and it must have been draining to come and say something to me like that - thank you - but please make sure you're ok.  I want you to have strength and to be ok - I want you to be pain-free - I wish that there was something we could all do to give you some respite from the pain.  Big hug to you, SanMagic.

Journal Entry for 18th December 2017

One of my partner's family tried to question me on the weekend about my FOO - it was 'subtle' but it was 'digging' to get answers, and I was proud of the fact that I managed to stay 'calm' and just said that I didn't want to talk about it - because it was too painful to do so, and because it was Christmas and it's a stressful time - and so I didn't want to talk about it.  My partner backed me up - but I was just glad that I was able to 'stay strong' and 'keep calm' and just say that.  I feel sure I'd have got upset in the past, might have been angry or even upset infront of the person, but I stayed 'calm'. 

What's helped is having this forum and all you people as my 'back-up' - so I can feel stronger in situations, and it helps me so much.

I believe that is what is helping - and I am grateful to have that support. 

The days are feeling a bit like being on a helter-skelter at the moment - not quite knowing what emotion or feeling is going to come along.  When I wrote my 'letter to F' the other day - I had drunk some alcohol, and I wonder if that made me less restrained and more 'open' than I normally would be.  I don't drink very often, again because I fear being 'out of control' - but having some alcohol enabled me to write what I wrote - but then my inner critic came and slapped me around a bit - metaphorically speaking - but it has lessened again, and so far, so good - this week is going reasonably ok.  At least so far.

I am relieved.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 19, 2017, 09:42:08 AM
Journal Entry for 19th December 2017

I woke a couple of times in the night, and felt as if I'd been 'abandoned' - in that the house felt cold and unwelcoming, and I had a flashback to how my FOO home felt when I was a small child.  The thing is that I am getting more in contact with my inner children - and I think that they are beginning to communicate more with me - and share more of their feelings and memories.  I am finding that this is happening more, now that I'm no longer 'searching' for memories - the process of just 'allowing them' to come as and when 'they want to' - seems to mean they are surfacing more. 

I think I would like to write more of them down - but I've not been doing that as yet - I had started to do that previously, but somehow drifted from it.

I have a day ahead of me which feels ok - I have written myself a list of tasks to get through, and there's a mixture on that list of some chores and some 'nicer things' - so it should be ok. 

I still haven't tackled re-connecting with my GP - and I do need to go and see my new GP about a health issue, but it's not a big thing - and because of that, I'm putting it off.  I think I have significant anxiety about re-engaging with the GP - the one I liked and knew has retired, and I have a new one - whom I've seen before, but when I last saw her I wasn't very well at all - and I just don't want to have to 'fill in' on what's happened for me in the meantime - but maybe it wouldn't be like that - afterall they only have a few minutes per patient - I feel pathetic that I don't feel brave enough to tackle that, but that's how I feel at the moment.

Still, I think I'll do it, when I need to go.  I hope so.  But for now, I'll put it off till next year.  It can wait.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 19, 2017, 01:21:53 PM
Hey Hope, I'm just glad you're giving yourself more of a break. From what I've seen of you, you really need one.

Still feeling a bit too weak to post something lengthy now, but take care, Hope.   :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Wife#2 on December 19, 2017, 04:42:09 PM
I've borrowed a blanket from the porch and brought it to you... The blanket of not-blaming-myself. If you feel strongly enough that you need a doctor, you will find the strength to go. If not, you won't. No blame in that. Either way! The blanket is warm, the love stitched in (love-of-self included) to the pattern sometimes glows!

Anyone would get annoyed at having to fill in a new doctor with details the retired doctor already knew. It's what I had hoped would be solved by the portable care act. That we would own our records and could just bring them to the next doctor and say, 'Here. This should answer most of it. I'll be in this corner while you read, in case you have questions.' I hope my naiveté made you smile just a bit :-)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 19, 2017, 07:01:04 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for your lovely reply - I really hope you'll feel a bit better soon - and in the meantime, you take care and look after yourself.  I appreciate your lovely comment, it means a lot.  Thank you  :hug:

Hi Wife2 - Thank you so much for bringing that amazing Blanket 'of Not-Blaming Myself' - it is just perfect and very snuggly.  I love the fact that the pattern sometimes glows.  You are so thoughtful to bring that to me, and I really appreciate your kindness - you warm my heart.  You have made me smile, and it is much appreciated. 

I think you're right, that I will see the doctor when the time is right. 

Journal entry for 19th December 2017 - I am glad that the day went ok.  I find the festive time of year to be a challenge in many ways - but I am also looking forward to some things, so it's a mixed bag - but I am cherishing the positives that are in my life, and I am lucky to have some positives there.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on December 19, 2017, 09:18:44 PM
Hello Hope!!!!

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :waveline: :waveline: :party: :yourock: :fireworks: :woohoo: :rundog: :sunny: :excited: :yahoo: :)) :boogie: :cloud9: :chestbump: :chestbump: :chestbump:
That should have you smiling for a  bit.    :grouphug:

Andy :phoot:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 20, 2017, 11:37:02 AM
Wow, Andy, that will seriously keep me smiling ALL day long.  Thank you so much!   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 20, 2017, 03:35:31 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 20, 2017, 03:45:42 PM
Thank you so much, SanMagic  :hug: to you too. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 22, 2017, 10:57:17 AM
Journal Entry on 22nd December 2017

I've been feeling a bit more panicky inside this past day or so - but I think it's more down to knowing that Christmas Day is getting closer, and I know that I will be spending that day in the company of my partner's relatives - and so I'll feel a bit 'hyper-vigilant' about that in some ways - whilst they are lovely people, they do occasionally (well one of them) occasionally asks me what I feel are 'intrusive questions' - but I handled one of those questions a few days ago quite well - told her I don't want to talk about it, that Christmas is a stressful time for me (being estranged from my FOO) and that I'd rather not answer her questions about my FOO.  She tried to pursue her questioning a bit, but did back off - especially as my partner also supported me at the time.

I think that subconsciously, my mind seems to be processing quite a few things, and I get senses of them in my dreams - like a sense of dread that maybe a FOO member has died or is ill - I know those things could happen, but the reality is that my FOO are usually quite healthy people - and I suspect they will be healthy into very old age - but of course I don't know that for certain.  Being NC means I don't know how they are - and I guess there's part of me that still 'cares' - because I always tried to be a 'good daughter' - but I've begun to realise that essentially I'm not sure how much they actually 'cared' about me - I seem to feel as if I was an instrument that was helpful, useful, and as long as I toed the line and catered to their emotional needs, that's how they wanted it to continue - to the detriment very much of my own development as an individual person with my own wants and needs. 

I've been reading a book about 'Positivity' and it summarises a lot of research that's been done on how people can raise their positivity potential - and I am keen to explore some of those things.  I'd like 2018 to be a year when I can live my life more authentically - more in the moment - more positively - and I'd like to stop myself or reduce the frequency of my dissociating - as I realise I do that quite a lot.  I know it's a protective mechanism, but really - there's nothing that could actually 'hurt' me now - not really - especially now I've got my Big Mama Kodiak Bear to protect my little Hopes and Adult Hope too (thanks so much Wife2 - such a helpful thing for me).

Although I feel a bit more panicky, I am also feeling more 'hopeful' - because I can see that I've 'improved' in my well-being over the past few months - maybe I'll write some kind of progress letter somewhere - to list the things I've noticed that are different - but they are definitely different - and I am making progress.  Previously I used to 'ruminate' constantly about my FOO - literally most moments in the day - and nowadays I don't think of them as often - I have other things I think about, and those are nicer things.

Anyway, I am once again so happy that I found this amazing forum, and such supportive and lovely people - that is something I am very grateful for. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 22, 2017, 06:36:53 PM
Journal Entry for 22nd December 2017 (Part 2)

I've just copied something that Three Roses wrote in another part of the forum, which is "I would also point out that the reactions are in the brain, not necessarily the mind, and in some cases views the trauma as current and not passed."

I just wanted to reflect on that, because it felt pertinent to me today - and helps me to keep grounded and 'not take things to heart' - bearing in mind that any reactions I have are most likely to do with EFs. 

I was happily going about my day today - until the Post arrived - and of course, there was a Christmas card from my FOO - and of course - even though I recognise the hand-writing, and know it's from them, instead of doing what a friend had suggested to me - and sending it back unopened - I open it.  It didn't say much - just a very short signing of their names - as in 'M&D' (M & F) - but of course, it meant I ended up thrown back into an EF - and the feelings surrounding it were very much as if I was going to be 'told off' 'really badly' - as if it was catastrophic - and I have basically been trying to get myself grounded again since then.  Thankfully that was about 4 or 5 hours ago, and I am finally feeling a bit better!  But it's so annoying that I feel like that, and have no control over it.  Or at least that's how it feels.

I have put the card 'out of view' - and part of me wanted to tear it up - I might do that later.  I don't want to keep it.  I am NC - but they still persevere in sending Christmas cards.  They have stopped sending Birthday cards now.  I really thought they might have stopped Christmas cards too.  Maybe next year.

Anyway, I am going to try to concentrate on enjoying Christmas and hopefully not feeling too triggered by the various things that go on at this time of year. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 22, 2017, 07:38:05 PM
maybe you're able to learn from this, hope.  that is my hope for you.  if we can learn from our experiences, then they're something positive for us and give us strength for the next challenge.

i've had a lot of good results tearing things up.  the action of it, the strength and power it takes, and the sound of it - oooh, that sound has always been meaningfully positive for me.  i know you'll do what you think is best for you.

if it were me, i would plan on receiving a card next year, and make a plan for what i'm going to do with it ahead of time.  i think that kind of thing gives us the feeling of empowerment, which can also offset those pesky ef's.

i love what 3roses said and totally believe it.  our brain and our mind are two different entities.    one does not necessarily control the other.

keep up the good work, hope.  i think you're dealing with all this holiday and foo stuff just fine.  big hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on December 22, 2017, 09:53:02 PM
Quote from: Hope66 on December 22, 2017, 10:57:17 AM
I can see that I've 'improved' in my well-being over the past few months - maybe I'll write some kind of progress letter somewhere - to list the things I've noticed that are different - but they are definitely different - and I am making progress. 

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 23, 2017, 11:11:49 AM
Hope, it's alright to be backtracked somewhat. As long as you keep trying to move forward in some way, that's okay.  :hug:

Merry Almost Christmas by the way. Take care.

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 24, 2017, 08:38:17 PM
Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your lovely replies, and I'm writing a short message here - as I am having difficulty with my internet connection at the moment.
I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Christmas. 
Sorry not to have mentioned you individually - I am very conscious that I might get kicked off the internet at any moment - it is playing up quite a bit.
Hope everyone has a good Christmas.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 25, 2017, 10:08:17 AM
Merry Christmas too, Hope.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 26, 2017, 01:25:38 PM
 :hug: Happy Christmas Decimal Rocket - hope you're doing ok.   :)

Journal entry for 26th December 2017

Finding it a bit tough, but not too bad - will be glad when Christmas celebrations are over - I still have some things I need to go to this week - and I'm suffering from a head cold now - but I think I'll be alright to get through them.   There's part of me that wants to 'cancel' them - but I am going to try to keep going, and carry on. 

My internet seems a bit better today.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 26, 2017, 01:34:49 PM
Ah, Hope. I'm doing better these days — I'm not sick now at least. Not exactly energized — but I guess it's just my mellow personality.  :)

I wish the best of luck that you complete whatever you're planning to do. CPTSD makes us a lot more easily tired than most people, but we can still accomplish things in our daily lives at our own pace. I'm giving you a gentle push if that's alright.

:hug:


Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 26, 2017, 03:20:37 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket, I am glad to hear you're doing better, and that you're not sick now.  I appreciate your gentle push - and your wishing me the best of luck to complete what I'm planning - you're right - at our own pace, we can still accomplish things - and I'd like to wish you the same - in terms of accomplishing the things you plan to do as well.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 26, 2017, 06:32:42 PM
dear hope,  i've been in low energy at times, also with things to be accomplished.  sometimes i've had to prioritize in order to make sure i do the things i most want to do, and if i have enough energy left over, will do the rest.   i think you know where your limit is for pushing yourself.  it's different for all of us. 

in the meantime, i do hope you are able to enjoy all of what's still on the horizon for you.  big hug filled with warmth and love to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on December 26, 2017, 08:44:08 PM
Merry Christmas, Hope! I hope the rest of the holiday will bring you some joy and strength.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on December 27, 2017, 09:17:11 PM
Hi Hope, I hope you feeling better!  :bighug: :party: :waveline: :yourock: :fireworks: :chestbump: :woohoo: :yahoo: :excited: :sunny: :rundog: :)) :boogie: :cloud9: :cheer: :wave: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :bigwink:

Andy :phoot:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope66 on December 28, 2017, 04:37:23 PM
Hi SanMagic, Thank you for your lovely words  :)  You're right about prioritising and I have been doing just that - and I appreciate your lovely hug too - sending you one right back  :hug:

Hi Sceal - lovely to hear from you!  Merry Christmas to you too, and wishing you good things for the time ahead.   :hug:

Hi Andy - Wow, how could I not feel better when you've sent all those amazing emoticons to cheer me up.  You've made me smile from ear to ear.  Thank you!     :hug:

Journal Entry for 28th December 2017
I really am smiling from ear to ear - it's so heart-warming to have such lovely replies from people and to feel the warmth and care that resounds in this forum.   

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 29, 2017, 07:55:50 AM
Can I join in too?

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 30, 2017, 01:03:18 PM
Glad to see you Decimal Rocket - and thanks for the hug - one back to you  :hug:

Journal Entry for 30th December 2017

I was a bit anxious last night.  I'd updated my software and it meant I ended up not being able to log into this forum - as I'd forgotten my password, and I ended up coming back here as Hope67 - but I am the same person - i.e. 'Hope'   :)

Another reason I was extra anxious was that events happened yesterday whereby I got a Christmas card from my sister, which made me feel some sense of guilt over the fact I've decided not to send any to her.  Also, I ended up getting a communication from her daughter - via social media - and she told me she was spending Christmas with my FOO (her Grandparents) - this made me feel really strange - I ended up feeling a horrible sense of 'futility' or maybe 'disappointment' - that my estrangement from my FOO has lead to my FOO reaching out and making contact with members of the family they had previously been estranged from - i.e. for years and years - and it's as if they can just 'replace' one member for another - without any thought for how that feels to the ones who have been replaced.

I realise it's not as simplistic as that - but it is bizarre. 

The result for me was that I woke this morning feeling 'as if' I'd been crying a lot in my sleep - I know this is possibly as I've woken before with very sodden bedclothes as a result of crying.  My partner told me that I'd been talking a lot in my sleep last night - but he couldn't remember what I'd said.  So clearly I was 'disturbed' by all of this.

I reacted on my 'feelings' about all of this - and basically there was part of me that felt relieved that my FOO had been 'with' someone over Christmas - but there was also part of me that thought - 'they don't care about me' - they have 'moved on' and 'replaced me'.  It's like it doesn't matter who the person is who replaces the need for narcissistic flow - and then I was thinking about how my niece must feel - she's not met her Grandparents until a couple of years back, she must hardly know them, and now she's invited for Christmas - and it's a lonely place she'll be staying in - isolating and far from young people for company. 

I've also been 'reflecting' more - as it's the end of 2017 - the final weekend of that year - and I wonder what 2018 has in store.

I am excited for the future though.  I feel that I have made progress in these past few years - and although it's hard - some days, some moments seem really challenging, I feel that I'm going to be ok. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 30, 2017, 07:04:12 PM
Another entry for 30th December 2017 (Part 2)

I feel very restless at the moment.  Like I don't know what to do with myself.  I've been writing in some people's Journals, and then I realise that my Inner Critic starts on me, saying 'What did you say?' 'Why did you say that?' - and I feel awkward about it, but I am glad I went and wrote those things, because I can, and I want to.

I've also been feeling uncomfortable for the fact I wrote about my niece, because basically I've never met her - not even once in my whole life - I didn't even know she existed till my sister told me (when I re-connected with my sister) - and my sister hasn't seen her niece for a few years now.  But my FOO (parents) have made contact with their Grand-daughter, and they apparently see her sometimes.  My niece contacted me a couple of times, but she's hardly said anything to me - quite bizarre how communication happens (or rather doesn't happen) in my FOO.

Basically each of them doesn't communicate properly with anyone - that is how it seems to me.  It is really weird.  Like some kind of dysfunctional web - very dark and difficult to work out.

I wonder if maybe she (my neice) will have a better relationship with my parents, than I did as their daughter.  She's a grown woman, so she should be able to hopefully cope and make her own decisions, but I think she is potentially a vulnerable person at the same time.  But of course I don't know.  I've never met her.

I've always idealised the idea of getting a card from my sister - to the extent of looking at cards in shop windows over the years - the ones with 'sister' on them, and wondering what it would be like to get a card from her, or to send one to her.  But the reality is - I can't establish a relationship with her, and now she's sent me a Christmas card, and I feel 'guilty' 'or bad' about that - because I've not sent one to her.  But honestly, I tried to establish a relationship with her, it is too difficult - I think I'd lose my sanity if I continued to try to communicate with her.

I think I need to focus myself - on what I would like 2018 to be like - and see if I can achieve some things that are meaningful and that will help me to move forward and get out of some of the more 'sticky' aspects - I don't think this is making much sense - as I write it.  But it's good to write something.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 30, 2017, 10:16:21 PM
actually, hope, it made a lot of sense to me.  i got the sense of the family environment you grew up in, the sense of how difficult communication has been (distorted and convoluted instead of straightforward) with member of your foo, and how, despite ICr guilt, you continue to hold on to your sense of self as most important.

lots of sense, hope.

sending a hug full of continued self 'sense' for the new year, wrapped in love, strength, and clarity.  you are doing so good!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 31, 2017, 07:08:35 AM
I'm not that knowledgable about the nature of relationships and family and what to do with them, so I can't really comment on that.

Just hope you'll be okay and be able to solve the issue.

Take care, Hope.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on December 31, 2017, 06:31:28 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on December 30, 2017, 07:04:12 PM

I think I need to focus myself - on what I would like 2018 to be like - and see if I can achieve some things that are meaningful and that will help me to move forward and get out of some of the more 'sticky' aspects - I don't think this is making much sense - as I write it. 

Makes sense to me! (Maybe not to your ICr.) Your goals for 2018 sound good to me  :thumbup:

You tried with your sister, you really tried. And I'm sure you really tried wiht M and F before you went NC. We here on OOTS don't go NC on a whim. There have been years of mess and years of us trying to make it better before we go NC (or VVVLC). But then NC or VLC ends up the only thing we can do, followed by increased focus on ourselves and on family-of-choice if we have one, which I don't. So focus on self!  :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on December 31, 2017, 09:34:25 PM
It made sense to me too. And I think it is a wise move to try and focus on what you want out of the coming year. It is your life afterall, and it's a thing of growth to work towards finding meaning in your everyday life.

I hope it's okay that I give you a warm new years hug!  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 01, 2018, 04:58:38 PM
Hi SanMagic - thank you so much for the lovely hug and warm wishes - and I really appreciate the fact that you said that my goals make sense - and I'll hold onto the thought of nurturing my 'sense of self' into the New Year.  Here's to continued 'self sense' - that is meaningful and positive.   :hug:

Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for your lovely comment - it means a lot - and I appreciate it.   :hug:

Hi Blueberry - thank you!  You've also validated my goals for the future in what you said, and that means a lot - thank you!  You're right, it is such a challenging process to go NC or VLC with FOO - and it would be unlikely for anyone to do that 'lightly' - we do it as a result of a range of factors and after a lot of thought.   :hug:

Hi Sceal - I really appreciate that lovely New Year's Day hug - thank you!   :hug: to you too, and thank you for popping by.

Journal entry for 1st January 2018
The New Year is here - and I am hopeful that it will bring some positive things.  I assume it will continue to bring some challenges and twists and turns, but I hope I have the strength and fortitude to navigate them, and that any choices to be made will be my own - i.e. I am capable of choosing how I react or how I respond to whatever occurs.  Most of all, I know I can come here - and find support, from people who truely understand. 

Wishing everyone a year that will be better, and whatever happens, that we'll cope with whatever comes our way.
:grouphug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 02, 2018, 02:21:12 PM
we shall cope, hope, cuz we've got each other and we're finally not alone in navigating these challenging waters we find ourselves in.  absolutely looking forward to a better 2018  with more strength, surety, confidence in ourselves, and healing love.  big hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on January 04, 2018, 06:09:09 PM
Hi Hope,
Happy New Year and new beginnings my dear friend.  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

I only understand a little about family dynamics. In my own..we've been dysfunctional since the late 1880s, apparently. So...yeah, there's that. 

Lots of hugs for you, and DR too! And San and Blueberry and Everyone else not named who wants hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Andy :phoot:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 06, 2018, 03:57:01 AM
Yes, may our new year be better. For a better self, a better life, and a better world.

Take care, Hope.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 06, 2018, 01:27:13 PM
Hi SanMagic, Andyman & Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for all those lovely hugs, and good wishes, and  :grouphug: to all of you.   

Journal entry for 6th January 2018 (Might be some Triggers in my entry today - mentioning 'teasing' as a child, with relationship to CSA) **

I've had a mixed few days - in terms of some nice things happening, and also some more challenging feelings - probably related to reading a book - and it bringing up more feelings to the foreground - but I'm really glad I read it - however, I noticed that it's almost like different 'presentations of myself' 'come out' at different times - not sure if this makes sense, but at certain points when reading the book, I felt like a small child, and at others, as if I was an 'academic' - so I suspect that I was either 'intellectualising' at certain points, as if I'm an 'impartial observer' - and then at others 'feeling my feelings as a smaller child' - other things I've noticed were that I was reluctant to 'bear any touch' - especially around 'feet' - which is understandable in terms of some of the invasive things I felt as a child - relating to people teasing me with their feet - I still find it difficult to be around a bare foot!

However, I am feeling 'stronger' for having read the book - it was about Child Sexual Abuse and was by Dr Susan Clancy - however, I also found certain parts confusing too - infact I want to talk more about it, but somehow feel 'overwhelmed' regarding 'where to start' in terms of talking about it.  Hence, I've not written more in the "Books" section yet - but I do remember that just reading that one of the participants of the study hadn't talked about their CSA for decades, and just reading that in my mind brought me to sobbing uncontrollably - so it evoked something incredibly powerful in me.

Actually, Andy's comment about there being dysfunction in his family since the 1880's - that resonated with me too - as I have looked into my family history and there is dysfunction in so many ways in my family history, and it does help me to understand a little why things have turned out as they are currently - several generations of the family have been 'estranged' - it is a powerful legacy.  I just wish people could have communicated through the ages, it would have helped so much!

Not sure what else to say just now, but glad to have written again in my Journal - and I am hoping to do more 'processing' of things - as I see that as a way forward for me at the moment.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 08, 2018, 05:41:09 PM
Journal entry for 8th January 2018

I feel as if my emotions are closer to the surface than normal - I'm more tearful and reactive than normal.  Little things seem to trigger me - but the good thing is that I'm 'thinking about it' and recognizing it's to do with emotional flashbacks (EF's) and that helps me to understand why I'm experiencing what I'm experiencing.

I'll try to pop back later, as I'm not able to think about what I want to write.  The words are 'stuck' - but I'll be back hopefully later tonight - if I get a chance.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on January 08, 2018, 06:25:23 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on January 08, 2018, 05:41:09 PM
I feel as if my emotions are closer to the surface than normal - I'm more tearful and reactive than normal.  Little things seem to trigger me - but the good thing is that I'm 'thinking about it' and recognizing it's to do with emotional flashbacks (EF's) and that helps me to understand why I'm experiencing what I'm experiencing.

:cheer: :cheer: on recognising that it's to do with EFs! I'm very irritable and argumentative atm IRL. Thanks for pointing out: those are EFs.

Thanks so much for responding to my own post, despite the fact that your words are 'stuck'.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 09, 2018, 09:38:31 AM
Hi Blueberry,
What ended up happening yesterday was that I tried to 'quote' your post in my reply in the other thread, and because I didn't do it right, I ended up thrown into an EF - whereby my inner critic had a bit of a 'dance' and told me I was just 'useless' - then I felt upset and teary - and then I thought 'How ridiculous that you can't do a tiny thing' (which again was my inner critic having a go at me). 

When I tried to write about it in my Journal, I ended up thinking 'How ridiculous is this?' - which again is an inner critic type of thought - and then my words just 'stuck' - so I got on with some other things - cooking my meal - and thankfully I felt better about things, as I thought what a good example it had been of an EF and how it can make a person feel so small and upset - and yet if I'd told someone who didn't understand C-PTSD - they would think 'What is wrong with her?'.

Anyway, that's a long-winded explanation of what happened, and it is just a small example of the wave of EF's I've had this week - it does make me wonder how I ever managed to hold down a job for so many years.  But I did...! 

Journal Entry for 9th January 2018
I realise that part of the reason I've been having more frequent EF's this week is that I've been doing some things that are more 'assertive' - I've stood up for myself a few times, nothing really big, just little things, and I guess it's made me feel a bit vulnerable.  Also, I was affected by reading the book on CSA - mainly because it evoked some thoughts that I hadn't considered before - and I guess I'm assimilating those things.  I am glad I read it.  It was very thought-provoking.  Also validating, but at the same time raised some questions in my mind.  The only thing is that I feel too over-whelmed by it to be able to think about how to talk it through with anyone - so I'll let it stay in my mind for a bit - and see what I want to do with it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 09, 2018, 04:35:27 PM
Just popping in later on 9th January 2018 to say that I feel quite good about the day - and how it went.  I wrote myself a list of things 'to do' and I gradually worked my way through them, and ticked them off, and it felt very satisfying.  I am trying to get a 'mix' in my lists - where I ensure I do things that are more mundane and necessary, but also some things that are nurturing of my self - and I hope to include some creative things too - to ensure I expand on that side of myself, as I feel it was very much curtailed in the past. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on January 09, 2018, 04:58:48 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on January 09, 2018, 09:38:31 AM
What ended up happening yesterday was that I tried to 'quote' your post in my reply in the other thread, and because I didn't do it right, I ended up thrown into an EF - whereby my inner critic had a bit of a 'dance' and told me I was just 'useless' - then I felt upset and teary - and then I thought 'How ridiculous that you can't do a tiny thing' (which again was my inner critic having a go at me). 

When I tried to write about it in my Journal, I ended up thinking 'How ridiculous is this?' - which again is an inner critic type of thought

Dear Hope  :grouphug:

I'm sorry all that went on with your ICr.! You've mentioned before that you see similarities between us. This is another example of those. My ICr. comes up with all those accusations, word-for-word. I also have trouble with fairly minor seeming tasks, e.g. on the computer, or my bike. I let all the air out of the tires while pumping up  :stars: so I just always take it to the bike shop now and let the owner do it while I throw a coin or two in his piggy bank. That way I don't feel 'useless', don't end up in an EF again or feel back to the last bike tire episode EF  :aaauuugh: Don't want to feel that again.


Quote from: Hope67 on January 09, 2018, 09:38:31 AM
so I got on with some other things - cooking my meal - and thankfully I felt better about things, as I thought what a good example it had been of an EF and how it can make a person feel so small and upset -

Yay  :cheer:  :cheer: for getting on with other things and then feeling better! And for being able to distance yourself from it enough in order to see it as a good example of an EF!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on January 10, 2018, 09:31:02 PM
I am sorry to hear of your EF's. They are truly awful when they happen!
But I also think it's a good step forward making to-do lists! i also find it incredible satisfying to scratch a task out when it's done! :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 12, 2018, 01:36:05 PM
That's great to hear Hope.  :) Accomplishments are great little confidence boosters, and to be able to have something like that even with the little things is a sign of something good.
Sorry about the EFs with assertiveness. I get those these days too.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 13, 2018, 02:40:31 PM
Hi Blueberry, Sceal and Decimal Rocket - thank you all for your comments and replies and I appreciate them all.  Thank you!   :)

Journal entry for 13th January 2018

I am currently reading a book called 'Reparenting the Child Who Hurts: A Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and Attachments" and it's been interesting - I've been writing a few notes in the 'Books' section of the forum, and I've written out parts that resonate with me.  I feel I'm learning from it, and also relating to it.

I've also been using a diary to include diagrams of different stages in my life - i.e. split into 0-2 years, 2-5 years, and similarly throughout my whole life - and then putting events/memories/thoughts/links etc in bubbles next to the right section - and that's been really helpful in looking at 'when things happened' - and also helping me to recall more events and also make new links between things too.  I'm building a more coherent 'picture' - and also filling in details that my sister told me about in her communications over the last couple of years - which I know are her memories - but they are pertinent and relevant to my own time-line, as it really helps me understand what was going on - and it's information that was kept from me - as noone talked to me about what was going on, I was left 'in my own little world' to try to negotiate my way - and I'd have loved someone to take my hand and help guide me through it - but I held my own hand, and made my own way.

Strangely, I have experience 'more' this weekend - i.e. I seem to be 'feeling temperature' when normally I don't - I feel colder, need to wrap up warm etc - normally I 'don't feel' that temperature.  Not sure why that is. 

I had a horrible night a couple of night's ago - felt so despondent and hopeless - the night was dragging on and I wasn't sleeping.  Nihilistic thoughts - about the point of life etc, and I was so glad when the morning came and I felt more 'normal' again - because I don't like that sense of hopelessness. 

I have a lot of positive things in my life - I want to enjoy them, and to feel happy - and I am hoping to focus on gaining more positivity as time goes on. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 15, 2018, 11:31:49 AM
That's an interesting book, Hope. Thank you for the mention. :)

Filling in diagrams like this remind me of what every person seems to parrot when they're asked why history needs to be studied. To learn from humanity's mistakes. To learn what the future's course would be like. To understand the teachings of the past. But I remember an insight by an author whose name I can't recall . . . That you can never learn everything from the past to deal with the future, because the world is always changing. We learn from the past, so maybe we could understand what kind of possibilities could open up someday.

I'm glad you're experiencing "more". It seems you're dissociating much less, and you manage to have some hope even through your pain. I bet you chose that username for a reason, Hope.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 21, 2018, 11:48:26 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thanks so much for your comments, and hope you're ok.   :)

Journal Entry for 21st January 2018
So happy to be able to get back into this forum again - after it was down for a few days - it was really horrible not to be able to pop in here, didn't realise how attached I am to it, and everyone here, but I am, and I am happy to be back again.

Just wanted to express my relief at being able to get back here.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 21, 2018, 09:45:54 PM
Hi Hope. Well, it's not perfect, but I'm doing better these days.

Yes, we sure have gotten attached to each other, huh? Not being able to go here has made me gloomy. Well, I'm glad to see you again, Hope.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 22, 2018, 12:18:57 AM
hey, hope, sounds like you're making some very personal inroads into your past experiences.  i give you a lot of credit for delving in, sitting with what you're feeling, and allowing the knowledge that some of these things can be overwhelming, some are thought provoking, some bring up questions.  it's kind of like life itself.

big warm loving hug to you, hope.  i see you moving forward in a strong way.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 23, 2018, 04:15:49 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket, - Yes, I missed you too   :hug: - and I was also gloomy whilst not being able to get back here.  Glad we can access it ok again now - a peaceful haven to come to.

Hi SanMagic - Thanks for your kind words - I really appreciate what you said - and thanks also for the big warm loving hug -  :hug: to you as well.

Journal Entry for 23rd January 2018

Just knowing I can get back here to write things when I want to - it feels great - but somehow I've not been 'able' to write much - as it's that usual thing of 'not knowing where to start' - and I guess the server being down for a while meant I felt a bit 'at sea' - and it's hard to get 'back' - I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm just saying it as I 'feel it'.

Anyway, I'm just going to take it a step at a time, and write as and when I want to - and I guess that before long I'll be writing more often again - and gaining greater insights for doing so.  That is how I found it - previously in this forum, and how I anticipate it will be going forward.

Hope to write more later in the week but for today - that's all I can think of to say!   :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 23, 2018, 05:30:47 PM
you said plenty, hope.  it all counts.  your time, your space, your place.  it will come as you are ready.  not to worry, you've been finding your voice more strongly as time has gone on, and it will come back when it's time.  meanwhile, loving hug to you - we're still with you no matter what.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on January 24, 2018, 06:46:54 AM
Hi Hope!
I just wanted to drop by and say Hi, and give you a hug :hug: I wish you a wonderful day.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 24, 2018, 02:47:20 PM
Hi SanMagic - thank you so much, you always say incredibly validating things to me, and it means a lot.  Thank you.  :-)

Hi Sceal - thanks for your lovely hug  :hug: and for wishing me a good day.  I appreciate it.

Journal Entry for 24th January 2018

I'm just still feeling grateful for the forum being back online - it means a lot.  It's like having a 'safe base' to come back to - and being able to read everyone's posts and re-connect with people, that's so great.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 03, 2018, 11:15:11 AM
Journal entry for 3rd February 2018

Phew!  I got back here!  I had difficulty logging in earlier, and saw that Decimal Rocket did too - hope you've got in as well.  Not sure what happened earlier, but it seems to be fine now. 

I am going to try to transfer over one post that I did on the old forum - which was about 'Acknowledging different parts of me" - as I really valued that post and the replies I got, so I'll copy and post the replies too.  Hope that's ok.  I'll try to do it.  I'm going to put it in the 'Dissociation' section, as it seems appropriate there - from what someone said in their reply.  Helpful.   :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 03, 2018, 01:07:42 PM
Hey Hope. Yes, I got in too.  :wave:

I guess a lot of us might repost our own important posts, huh? I don't see anything wrong with it - we get to keep our best insights and growths while whoever the IT person is can get some weight off his/her shoulders on moving each post here.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on February 03, 2018, 04:33:43 PM
Hope, let us know if you have questions or trouble doing that, maybe we could help  ;D
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 05, 2018, 04:54:19 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I am happy you got back in - lovely to see you here - and hope you're ok.   :wave: to you   :)

Hi Three Roses,
Thank you for offering to help - I have managed to transfer the post I wanted to keep hold of - and it was fine.  I'm not worrying about the other ones, I'll just start 'afresh' from now - just glad to have the forum back - and I think the people behind the scenes have done a great job in keeping it safe - and I feel sure that would have been hard work to do.  I appreciate the fact we're all able to get back here.  It's a relief.   :)

Journal Entry for 5th February 2018

I had a mixed weekend - ended up in a massive EF during a 'family visit' to my partner's family (so the equivalent of my 'in-law's' - but thankfully I managed to somehow 'cope' - although I felt at the time as if the whole room was staring at me - and I felt very 'small' and 'as if I wanted the floor to swallow me up'.  I did end up over-eating during the evening - and I was annoyed at myself for that - it's like I want to 'stuff down' the uncomfortable feelings - I guess it's yet another form of dissociating and coping - but I dislike it, and hope to find a different way to cope in future.

I do want to say that I managed to cope with returning to see a doctor (as I have a couple of issues I needed to address medically) and I had been almost phobic at the thought of seeing a new GP - as my old one had retired.  I managed to make myself go - I went by myself - I coped.  It was ok in the end.  I am soooooo relieved that I finally was able to face it and go.  I managed to be ok in the appointment as well - in that I didn't cry or get emotional, which is what I feared I would do.  I am relieved.  I feel I can go again another time now, if I need to, and it's not going to be so 'scary'. 

So, that's a good thing.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on February 05, 2018, 06:05:24 PM
Hello Hope!
Sounds like you had quite a taxing and horrible week-end.  I am sorry you had to go through such a massive EF! They are never pleasant. I hope you are feeling better today in regards to the EF though?
I know full well the needing to "push down" emotions with food, and it never helps in the long run. I have managed to lessen it, but I don't quite know how, so I don't know how to help you  out with that. :(

And I just want to say, you did amazing going to a GP that you feared going to. That is a big step to take. I hope you are able to give yourself a big hug of accomplishment. If not, I hope it's okay I give you one?  :hug: You did well.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 05, 2018, 09:49:03 PM
i'm a stuffer, too, hope, so i can relate.  it's lessened over time and recovery, but it's still there.  most of the time (bob dylan - one of my favorite songs of his) i can keep it in check.  however, i'm now finding it easier on myself to just accept that there will be those times when i just reach for the food.  so be it.  it's seemed that the more i accepted it, the less often i've done it.  weird, huh?

congrats on the whole doc thing.  i relate to that as well.  i haven't even been back here a year, and i can't tell you how many docs i've had to see, how many tears i've shed in front of them, how emotional the whole of it has been.  i give you so much credit for going and getting thru it.  that's really great.

big warm gentle hug full of caring and love to you. 
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 06, 2018, 12:29:34 PM
Hi Hope.

I disappeared for a few days from a big EF too. I'm sorry you went through such a distressing time. I know how terrible it can be, so I hope you can take care of yourself, okay? Glad you're able to meet a doctor. Being able to trust someone to reach out takes massive guts, really, especially with our circumstances.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on February 06, 2018, 04:41:18 PM
Yes, massive guts!!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 07, 2018, 09:50:50 AM
Hi Sceal - thank you so much for the  :hug: - I appreciate it, and your kind words about my EF - it has passed and I do feel a lot better today - I am pleased about that.  The ironic thing was that my 'MIL' (equivalent of my mother-in-law) phoned me the following day to 'apologise' - but she didn't apologise for the thing that had triggered my EF - it was something completely different that she apologised for - a very trivial thing infact - but it's made me think about how different events within a scenario can be perceived so differently by different people - for me, her particular behaviour had been so triggering, and for her, she'd been affected by a completely different part of the event - we all have our very different triggers.  Interesting to see that more clearly.   

Sceal - thanks for your comments about seeing my GP too - I did feel 'brave' - I had been avoiding it for so long.  I am so relieved that I finally got the courage to go, and that it was ok in the end.

Hi SanMagic - it's really interesting that you've found it easier to cope with your tendency to 'stuff' food by 'accepting' that you do it, and then the frequency has got less - that's good to hear - maybe I can learn from that and maybe it will become like that for me too - I hope so.  I'm glad it's a bit better for you though.  That is good.

Hi Decimal Rocket - so sorry that you've also experienced an EF - and hope you're ok after it.  I am feeling a lot better now - mine seems in the past, although I did ruminate about it quite a bit afterwards - it took me a few days to calm down and re-centre myself.  My MIL did apologise - but for something else that hadn't even bothered me at all.  I laugh about it now - I guess that's a good response.   Thanks also for your description of me having 'massive guts' about seeing the doctor - it took me soooo long to get to the point where I could force myself to go - but having gone, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was ok.

Hi Three Roses - Thank you!  "massive guts!" - I like it.   :)

Journal Entry for 7th February 2018
I am feeling more positive in myself than I've felt in a longish while - I hope this feeling will stay with me.  That's all I'll say about it, incase I 'jinx' myself.   :)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on February 07, 2018, 03:27:14 PM
I liked the term "massive guts" too, but just to give credit where credit is due, that one came from Decimal Rocket.  ;)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 08, 2018, 06:27:33 PM
Yes, Three Roses, it's good to know who mentioned the 'Massive Guts' - and credit to Decimal Rocket for saying that - I like it too.   :)

Journal Entry for 8th February 2018
Feeling a bit 'restless' today.  As if I don't know 'what to do with myself' - hoping that I will feel calmer later - or sooner rather than later. 

I really would like to do some 'sorting out' of some clutter in my life - literally getting rid of some things I no longer need, and tidying and cleaning and things like that.  Somehow I feel that will help me to 'feel a bit better' - I am happy - but I feel like there is quite a lot of stuff that is 'in my way' and that I need to try to sort out.

But is that a way of procrastinating again - turning to 'sorting out' the physical things in my life, when infact I want to sort out the emotional stuff - and the baggage that I feel hangs heavy on me.

Maybe I'll try to divide my time and attend to different things - but what I fear is that I won't end up doing anything useful at all - and the time will just pass me by.  I don't want that to happen either.

I feel like I need to read another self-help book - but whether to re-read one that has helped me before, or to try to get hold of a new one.  I'm not sure. 

I feel sure I'll find a direction to go in, but right at this moment, I'm not sure which direction to go.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 08, 2018, 09:26:54 PM
sorting out, cleaning up clutter - those terms can be used on so many levels, can't they.  like you said, physical and emotional, could also be mental clutter.  i surround myself with clutter, physically.  little odds and ends here and there.  it may be backlash from living with my folks - my mother had no clutter at all, only one picture on the wall in the living room, nothing in any other room.  very sterile.

where i live now, the ll has lots of clutter, but it seems a bit contrived, like it's all for image's sake.  things just so, just the 'right' kinds of things, perfectly mismatched patterns - my d even commented on it, that it's uncomfy for her, not her style.

i think my mind gets more cluttered than anything.  it's taken a long time to even begin sorting through it, deciding what can stay, what needs to go. 

i don't doubt you'll figure out what direction is best for you to go in as you sort through all that's in your life.  it's just a very interesting concept to me.    we'll get there.  big hug, hope, with lots of tidiness among what needs tidying, love, and care.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 09, 2018, 12:24:26 PM
Hi SanMagic - I agree, thinking about what 'clutter' means - it's really interesting.  Thank you for your comments about it, and I always appreciate your replies - very meaningful and helpful to me.  Big hug to you too  :hug: and hope that we each get to be more comfortable with whatever is around us in our environments. 

Journal Entry for 9th February 2018
I received a letter today from a friend - someone I regard as a 'wise' and 'valued' friend - whose opinion I really appreciate - and her words in her letter made me very emotional - and I wanted to quote a couple of things she said, to 'hold onto' those words and treasure them - because they were so meaningful to me.

She wrote: "Your sister seems a difficult person and I think you have felt too much guilt for your family.  I wouldn't bother anymore and just enjoy the life you have and don't feel guilt or worry about them.  Your idea of enjoying your life.  Just leave them.  You have done more than most.  You are such a wonderful person and take too much in your heart."  Later in the letter she wrote: "Be at peace with yourself and stop feeling their guilt.  Noone would not ask about your life!  Very odd!" (the last statement refers to the fact I told her that my sister hadn't asked me about my life - despite us not having had any contact for over 40 years - and how my friend found that odd. 

I feel emotional, because I feel 'validated' by my friend's response.  I feel like she's right, about my holding onto someone else's 'guilt' - that of my FOO - I don't think I've done anything wrong myself, but I've been holding onto their 'guilt' and 'feeling it' and I know my friend is right that I should shake it off - put it down - leave it alone.

Whilst I feel emotional about this, I feel as if she's given me 'permission' to let go - and that's what me and many parts of me wanted to hear today. 

I am going to try to 'clear some clutter' (both emotional, and physical clutter) over the next few days - that's my focus as I look ahead to this weekend, and I hope I will achieve something in the next few days.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on February 09, 2018, 07:56:19 PM
Hope, I'm so happy for you that you have such a good friend irl and that what she wrote to you is so helpful.  :hug:

Physical and emotional de-cluttering often go hand in hand for me.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 10, 2018, 12:50:25 AM
really a great friend, hope.  sounds like that 'guilt' may be part of the clutter you might clear out.  wise words, indeed.   :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 10, 2018, 03:26:31 PM
Hi Blueberry & SanMagic - thank you both for your replies, I appreciate them very much.   :)

Journal Entry for 10th February 2018
Procrastination seems to be the 'theme' of my weekend so far - all those 'plans' for de-cluttering and sorting through things, and then it's like I hit a wall - a wall of resistance - and can't break through it to 'sorting' anything...  Oh well - I won't fight it - I'll try to sit with whatever it is that is holding me back.  Although I think I need to process it - work it out - and move forward from it. 

It's not as if I've 'not done anything' - I have been doing something today - I've managed to get through a few things on a list, and I felt good for doing that.  But when it comes to thinking of a way to tackle my emotional stuff - and even my physical stuff - I just put it off.

Last night I felt as if I was spending the evening in a state of 'anxiety' - there was an 'angst' there - and I didn't like that feeling.  Today, I no longer have the angst or the anxiety, but I just feel a bit 'pathetic' that I can't seem to get myself into some form of 'action'.

I had felt liberated by my friend's words - to let go of guilt - I thought 'yes' - that is what I should do.  I've been holding onto the 'guilt' of my FOO - when infact I should be living my life - I can't be beholden to them, and I can't take their dysfunction on board constantly - I need to live my own life.

On my facebook page, I can see the posts that my sister does - and she does lots of posts - and I wonder why I am still linked to her - but it is because I wasn't aware even of whether she was alive or not before, and now I'm connected to her on Facebook - I can see that she lives and breathes, but we don't communicate with one another anymore.  It is quite strange really.

But then so much of my life experiences have felt 'strange' to me, and almost as if they happened to 'someone else' - but yet, it was me who lived through things - but I guess I was dissociated, numb - for much of my childhood, and throughout a lot of my adult life too.  I'm 'waking up' now - and I'm feeling things more - as I sit with my feelings sometimes, and it feels uncomfortable to do that, but it does at the same time feel 'real' - so I guess that's progress.

I have recently taken on some voluntary work - and I will be doing more of that in the coming weeks - and I suppose that I am a bit scared about how I'll cope with that - memories of work for me are traumatic too - and I've not written in the forum about the circumstances of what happened to me when my job finished.  There were so many things I was contending with at the time, it was over-whelming. 

But I'm in a different place now, in terms of my well-being, and I am stronger.  So hopefully I'll be ok to cope with the roles I'll undertake in my voluntary work. 

I'll see how it goes.

Glad to have written something today - in this journal - because it does help me to focus and I always feel better for writing something - well usually....!

Not always.   :)

Waffling now, so I'll go. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 11, 2018, 01:16:59 PM
Journal Entry for 11th February 2018
Thankfully I feel a bit better today - I've ordered a book - one that was recommended to me in the thread I wrote about 'different parts of me' - can't remember the details now, but hopefully I'll get the book by the middle of next week, and that will be great, as I feel I need to have some 'self-help therapy' from a book.

I've thought about whether to go back to my therapist that I saw before - but I am watching my finances, and I remember what that therapy was like, and I often felt as if the therapist didn't really understand trauma - and at that time, I wasn't aware of complex PTSD and all the things related to that - and I suspect that my therapist wouldn't be able to help me.

I also don't have faith in other therapists, or GPs really - I've always ended up being quite 'self-sufficient' and looked within myself to cope - but I have the support of my partner, who is incredibly open-minded and accepting of my experiences - I've been able to share everything with him, and I've also begun to open up to some close friends too - and have had very helpful replies from them, and support from them.

So I feel like I have a good support framework around me, and particularly with this forum - it has been a life-saver for my sanity - somewhere to come and feel completely understood by like-minded people.  So, I can continue to use the 'self-help' literature I read and also the support in the forum, and it feels like the best form of therapy - even though I realise it's not therapy in the sense of an ongoing relationship with one therapist.

Anyway, I'm trying to sort out whether I feel I can continue to go forward and 'cope' and explore more my sense of self and the different 'parts' of myself that I've begun to notice, as a result of exploring my relationship with dissociation - I know I'm not wording this incredibly well - but I know what I mean, and I just wanted to write a bit about my process of working things out.

I also want to say how pleased I was to see Libby had returned to the forum today - I had wondered how she is - not having seen her around and about, and I am happy she's back. 

Regarding clutter and sorting things out - I have been doing some things on my 'list' - I have accomplished some things this weekend, and I have also been busy with more mundane things - housework, washing, cleaning etc - and this afternoon I want to try to focus on some planning for next week - as well as anticipating the arrival of my new book...  I am excited!

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Whobuddy on February 11, 2018, 01:43:32 PM
I think the book you ordered was the one I wrote about. I hope you like it. It really meant a lot to me. I have a therapist who doesn't seem to embrace the book's methods but he can see how much it has helped me in living more frequently from my 'adult' part. This is really helping with the therapy in that he is not always having to deal with my wounded parts like before so we can have more effective discussions. His latest assignment for me is to think about what my life would have been like if I had grown up in better circumstances. My first thought is that I wouldn't have all these 'parts' that are wounded and I need to provide comfort and encouragement to all the time.

I look forward to hearing what you think about the book. If you would like I could share some things that the book inspired me to do to identify and sort out my 'parts.'
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 11, 2018, 05:38:19 PM
Hi Whobuddy - Yes, it was definitely you who mentioned the book - thank you so much for telling me about it, it does sound like one that I would find helpful, and I am excited about having ordered it.  It's good to hear you have a therapist who can see how much it has helped you, and that you're finding it helpful in that way.

I think I will open a discussion thread about the book, when I start to read it, so it would be great if you could share some things that the book inspired you to do - either in that thread, or anywhere that you want to do that - because I think it would be great to share thoughts and experiences in that way.  Thank you.   :) 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 12, 2018, 05:02:48 PM
Journal entry for 12th February 2018
I have just written in a couple of places on the forum about my CSA, and I have to say that the replies I got today helped me to write a 'letter to my F' (not to send) and it has choked me up, but it was also good to 'get it out' - so I just want to say that - I can't formulate replies yet to the people who replied to me - I need to get my tears out - as they are flowing right now, and I'm glad that I'm alone in the house - because I need to express it.  I know my partner would worry if he saw me upset.
I'm going to cook some food now - whilst listening to some music, and maybe I'll dance - because I feel like I've got some 'angst' to 'dance out' - if that makes sense.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on February 12, 2018, 08:34:15 PM
Hi Hope!

I haven't read your threads yet, but I just wanted to pop by and say hello!
Perhaps offer up a hug, or a comforting cup of tea?
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on February 12, 2018, 10:47:45 PM
Having 'angst' to dance out makes perfect sense to me. I dance some of my feelings out too. I'm glad you cooked some food, sounds like self-care, and that your tears are flowing out rather than staying in.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 13, 2018, 11:32:54 AM
Hi Sceal,
Lovely to see you, and thank you for popping by with such a lovely offer of a hug  :hug: I appreciate and accept that hug, and also the offer of a cup of tea - such a refreshing and welcome offer - thank you!   :)  I am feeling calmer again after writing things down - and relieved that it helped me to do that. 

Hi Blueberry,
I didn't dance in the end - but I thought about it!  I ended up cooking - and trying to combat the inner critical thoughts that were banging me on the head.  Thankfully they wore themselves out in the end - and I felt calmer for having eaten something, and I also think that the tears helped - crying is good, and I don't do it that often - but when it happens, it is helpful.  I didn't want to cry infront of my partner, as I know he would worry about me - he wants me to be happy.  I am happy - but when I consider my past experiences and process them, then so many conflicting emotions clamour to be heard.

I know that you dance some of your feelings out, Blueberry - and that's partly why I was trying to do that too - because I hoped it would help me too - the thought of it sounds great - but I didn't allow myself to actually do it, in the end.  I think I'm definitely quite 'controlled' still - I need to 'let myself be freer'.

Journal Entry for 13th February 2018
Pleased to be calmer.  Relieved.  Hoping today will be a calm day and I can focus on things I need to do. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 13, 2018, 02:49:04 PM
i share your hopes for you for today, hope.  glad you were able to let go of those tears.  at the right time, they can be healing.  big hug to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 14, 2018, 09:29:29 AM
Hi SanMagic,
Yes, the tears were healing, and getting in touch with my anger was good for me too - I feel sure of that now the moment has passed. 

Journal entry for 14th February 2018
Valentine's Day today - and I have had a lovely card from my partner - so a really nice start to the day - and I have plans for us to enjoy a special meal tonight - not sure what it will be yet, but will be going shopping later, so will see what there is.  Feeling ok today - the last few days I would say I was jumping between various emotions, and I also scared myself a little whilst driving the car - and then realising that I was really dissociated, and had no idea where I was going - I nearly panicked and shouted out loud - but thankfully I was able to keep myself focused enough to negotiate my way back home safely.  It shocked me though, and I am going to try hard to 'keep focused' on whatever task I happen to be trying to do today.

I have quite a few things I'd like to do - mundane things, in many respects, but I feel that I might actually achieve some things today - I have some hope - so it's a good start. 

I've been having a few night time disturbances, this past couple of nights, but nothing like the night terrors I used to have.  I might write about one of them later - to think about its content and why it happened.  I know I won't know the actual reason, but writing about it might bring some useful thoughts to mind.  I'm writing it here, to ensure I don't forget about it - and the intention to write about it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 14, 2018, 10:24:18 AM
Nice to hear you had a nice Valentine's day too. I'm not really interested in romantic relationships at all but I showed some platonic love to friends today.

Dissociation can have the worst timing, and I agree, it can be scary when that happens. Sorry for those night terrors. Sleep is supposed to be for rest, but night terrors just make it more exhausting.

Take care.  :hug:

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 16, 2018, 04:05:35 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thanks for your kind words, and I hope that you enjoyed showing some platonic love to your friends on Valentine's Day - I think that's a lovely thing.  Yes, dissociation can have the worst timing - I agree!  My night terrors are nothing like they used to be, it's improved such a lot - and I appreciate your kind words.   :hug: to you.  Hope your weekend will be one that is enjoyable.

Journal entry for 16th February 2018
I have had quite a few things happen this week that have been 'triggering' - and it's felt a bit 'over-whelming' - and also I guess I feel as if I'm on a bit of a 'high' in terms of not being able to feel calm - it's like I'm a 'wound-up' spring - 'full of energy' but not in a good way.  It feels 'too much' - so I think I need to calm myself and bring myself down from that.   The other thing is that I feel as if I've been 'too much' around people and interactions - like I'm 'too full of myself' - rather than my usual calmer and 'nicer' persona - I guess I worried incase I was getting a bit 'narcissistic' - if that makes sense.  I don't think I am, but sometimes I worry that maybe there are elements of my personality which 'crave' and 'need' some attention, and then I fear I'm like my narcissistic M - and I fear that.

Anyway, I am hoping to do something on the weekend to ensure I 'take some time to breathe' and hopefully become less like a 'coiled spring'

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 17, 2018, 11:36:35 AM
I can relate to that. I'm so used to not asking for attention and help growing up that often I don't think I deserve it. But really, a little more attention isn't narccicistic. But we all need attention at some amounts — as human beings are wired to need love and connection — and needing that is not something wrong. As long as we respect boundaries as we ask for it — I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Take care, Hope.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 17, 2018, 04:10:48 PM
Thanks so much, Decimal Rocket, you've really helped me with your lovely reply, and I appreciate it very much.   :)  Hug to you  :hug: and what you wrote is something I relate to.    You're so right in saying that needing love and connection is not something wrong.  We are wired to need those things, as human beings.  Makes sense to me.   :)

Journal entry for 17th February 2018
Feeling less like a 'coiled spring' and more 'level-headed' - which feels a much better balance.  Hope I can maintain that.  I'll see what the rest of the weekend brings.  Hoping to read more of my new book soon.  But at the same time, not wanting to trigger myself too much.

I've been experiencing more 'raw feelings' in the middle of the night, which remind me of feelings I had as a small child, and then I've felt as if I'm gaining an 'insight' and the 'key is turning and fitting in the lock' and it 'makes sense' - and then I wake up, and find I've lost the connection, and the memory of the great insight I felt I'd discovered.  It's a bit frustrating.  But I am fascinated by the uncovering of these feelings, and I am not afraid of it.  I am recognising it as being some kind of connection to my inner children, and that they're beginning to wake up and tell me things - and small glimpses of memories are re-surfacing - things I had forgotten about, but then suddenly remember.  I need to write them down, and keep account - to make links and think about and process it.

Pleased with that.  Hope it continues.  It isn't frightening at all - but the rawness of the feeling is 'raw' - if that makes sense.  I recognise it - and it is like a primal feeling.  Difficult to describe. 

I'll stop there.  Not sure I have anything else I can say at this moment.  But pleased to have written something, it always helps me feel a bit better to write things here.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 18, 2018, 03:24:49 AM
very interesting that you're connecting these realizations to your inner child(ren).  the inner child stuff fascinates me.

i have no doubt you'll keep going with this, able to grab onto and keep what you realized.  happy for you.  big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 20, 2018, 03:17:13 PM
Hi Sanmagic,
Thank you so much, I always appreciate your kind words and your hug is much appreciated.   :hug:
:)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 21, 2018, 07:58:09 PM
Journal Entry for 21st February 2018 (some Trigger warnings here - as mentioning night terrors, a gun,  and mention of CSA)

I have been struggling a bit - from time to time - because more emotions have been coming 'to the surface' and I've been 'feeling them' rather than dissociating from them.  In the main...   Also, I've experienced more night terrors - one which was thinking someone was going to shoot me - weirdly with a roll of dustbin bags wrapped around the barrel of a gun - I woke my partner because I literally sat bolt upright and then 'ducked' to miss the aim of the gun - and I was scared for him too. 

My partner told me that I had had a further night terror incident later in the night - (which I have no memory of) and he made me feel very tearful when he told me that he'd felt 'very sad' for me, as he said he had clearly heard me say "Please don't do that" - and he said my voice had sounded incredibly similar to a child's voice - and he had wondered if I was recalling anything relating to CSA - when he said that, my cheeks flamed red, and I felt a lump of emotion immediately in my throat, and felt he could be right - it resonated with me. 

He said to me 'Have you been 'delving again' ' - meaning I guess researching and reading - and I said 'Yes' - but explained that I really think I'll improve and get better if I learn more and resolve things.  I guess I'm worried for him, as he worries about me - he doesn't like to see me upset, but I can't 'control' my feelings at night - that's when things can happen and I can't contain them.

I'm taking things slowly.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on February 21, 2018, 11:43:53 PM
 :hug: :hug: :bighug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 22, 2018, 06:31:40 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 22, 2018, 08:24:24 AM
Hi Blueberry & Decimal Rocket,
Thank you both for those most welcome hugs -  :hug: :hug: back at you.   :)

Journal Entry for 22nd February 2018

I slept much better last night, with no night terrors - and feel better for it.  My partner had said to me as we were lying in bed at the start of the night "You'll sleep better tonight, you won't have any bad dreams - No bad dreams for you" - and somehow that felt very reassuring to me, and maybe I listened, and my wounded parts/inner children listened too - and slept more soundly.  I don't know, but I am glad of his understanding and also his kind words, and his care and love for me.  I am very lucky.

I am not sure what today holds in store for me, emotion-wise or practically - but I am waking up with some positivity, and I want to hold onto that. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 22, 2018, 10:56:05 AM
I guess it's because we tend to dream about the things just before our sleep the most. Well, happy you're feeling better.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 24, 2018, 02:13:27 PM
Thanks so much, Decimal Rocket   :hug: to you.   :)

Journal Entry for 24th February 2018

I'm doing ok this weekend - I am grateful for that.  I slept better last night, another quite good night.  No night terrors that I can recall.  I'm noticing more 'past memories' - little fragments - coming back to me.  However, I have managed to 'lose' my book where I had put my 'memory diagrams' - and that worries me - because it contains some really personal stuff, and I would like to know where I put it.  Ironic that I 'lose' my paper version of my memories, just as some of my 'memories' are re-surfacing.  I feel sure that someone would analyse that - if I took it to a therapist...! 

Talking of therapy - I still wonder whether to book any more sessions with the person I saw a few years ago - because she told me I could book when I needed to and could afford to - and I have realised I have sufficient money to spend on maybe 5 sessions - but really I have other things I'd rather spend it on - and want to keep those 'in reserve' - i.e. use them if I absolutely feel I need to.

I am finding the support of this forum to be invaluable, and also my self-help books are therapeutic in addition to that, so maybe that's ok. 

I have been self-reliant my whole life - I feel as if I 'parented' myself - 'supported myself' all through my life.  I have done a lot of reading over the years, as well as a lot of study - both formally and informally - and I've seen that many people in the 'professional spheres' are not always 'reliable' - hence I am mistrustful of them. 

I essentially think I really 'like' people though - and I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.  But regarding my health and well-being, I am cautious - I am cautious in all realms of my life.

I feel as if I'm 'waffling' as I write this. 

Anyway, the thing is that I feel the need to justify the fact that I feel that my reading and my studies so far - plus the support of my partner, and the fact this forum is here - with so many understanding people who I feel really 'get it' - it's great.

I have to go now. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 24, 2018, 03:23:29 PM
i agree with you hope.  this place is great and has personally given me more than any therapists i've seen in the last 20 years.  if you feel ok with the progress you're making, that's what counts.  love and a big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Three Roses on February 24, 2018, 05:15:36 PM
 :yeahthat: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on February 24, 2018, 07:55:33 PM
I hope it's okay to offer you a big, big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 25, 2018, 11:31:58 AM
It's interesting how much simple love and support can do wonders. Here's some love for you too, Hope.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 25, 2018, 02:02:04 PM
Hi SanMagic, Three Roses, Sceal & Decimal Rocket,
I've just read what you all wrote, and I felt a surge of positivity and feel so glad to be part of this great forum.  Thank you all.   :grouphug:

Journal Entry on 25th February 2018

I'm not going to write much today, except to say that I feel that it's been a better weekend - I feel a bit stronger and more hopeful going forward into next week. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 26, 2018, 04:57:57 PM
Journal Entry on 26th February 2018:

I have had quite a 'triggering' day - it was almost as if things got 'over-whelming' for a while, and I felt like I couldn't cope, but in the end I broke down and cried - and got some emotion out that way, and I also talked to my partner about some of the things going through my head.  He was gentle, concerned and supportive, which is what I needed.  He 'heard me' and that was important to me, and I think he understood too. 

Now I've let that emotion 'out' - I feel less pressure - my head had been hurting - a bit like a 'pressure' on the left-side near the temple and eye-socket, and a bit 'migraine-like' - but I don't think it was a migraine.  Since I cried and talked, it feels less - I feel ok.

I am alone now, and having the place  to myself and being able to write here - that feels good.  Some 'space'. 

Possible Triggers (didn't realise there would be), but Anger seemed to surge up as I was writing this...
I know that this year feels 'difficult' because there are some FOO significant dates and 'occasions' that are coming up - and somehow that is really pressing hard on me.  I guess it's the unresolved 'guilt' and 'fear' and 'obligation' - which could stand for 'FOG' if I put them in that order, but I wrote 'GFO' - which ironically I can now see might stand for 'Get the F**** out' of my life!!! 

I really hate the fact they still impact on me, even though I am no longer in contact.  I want to shake them off.  Get rid of all the 'stuff' they left me with, and the unresolved emotions, feelings and thoughts - that are tied up with memories of them.  Yuk, I don't need that in my life. 

:stars:

It's perplexing on occasion, that's not a strong enough word.  I have been conditioned to be passive, to be obedient, to be meek and unobtrusive, and that's ok in many instances, but I am thankful for a stronger side of me that helped me to break free and 'get away' - because I would have just gone completely downhill and into intense depression if I had stayed in contact. 

I've been getting in touch with some 'raw feelings' from my inner children - beginning to get to know different parts of me - and I'm making some links.  Once I feel a bit clearer about these things, I'll write about it in other parts of the forum - but right now, I'm just 'thinking aloud' and sharing it here in my Journal, so as not to lose the content of my thoughts/mind.

I could see some 'worry/concern' on my partner's face as he spoke to me earlier today - I don't like him to be worried/concerned about me.  I wished I could 'keep myself together' to protect him from seeing my more vulnerable side, but somehow I just couldn't do it, and it was ok - it was better that he saw me like that, it was better than continuing to hide my sensitivity.

I won't write more for now.  But right now, at this moment, I feel ok again. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on February 27, 2018, 01:42:49 PM
It's good to hear that you were able to share with your partner, and that he was there for you in the way that you needed him to be.  :) I understand the feeling of not wanting to be a worry for him, but you chose each other, that do come with worry. I am sure you worry about him sometimes too right?

Our past will always be there, unchanged. And I think it'll always send us reminders on significant times whether we like it or not. Because of its impact on our lives in the past. I hope though, that the year will pass easier than you dread it to be due to these dates. Maybe you can change the meaning of these dates? Take it back somehow, and make a celebration of you breaking free from your FOO? That ought to be celebrated right? :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 27, 2018, 04:04:58 PM
glad to hear you're feeling better, hope.  that worry thing, i think, is one of the costs of caring.  it just comes with the territory, and in a relationship it's a two-way street.  i'm glad you let yourself be vulnerable with your partner, and that he 'heard' you.  well done on both your parts.  big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on February 28, 2018, 09:36:23 AM
Quote from: Sceal on February 27, 2018, 01:42:49 PM
Maybe you can change the meaning of these dates? Take it back somehow, and make a celebration of you breaking free from your FOO? That ought to be celebrated right? :hug:

Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much for your reply, it is so much appreciated - and I really like what you said about changing the meaning of those dates - I will definitely consider that and hold onto that, it is really helpful - thank you.   :hug:   :)

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks for your reply - you're so right that a relationship is a two-way street - that is meaningful and it's good to be reminded of it.   :)   :hug: to you.

Journal Entry for 28th February 2018

This morning I feel calm again - I think I was experiencing some kind of 'blending' with different 'parts' of myself over the past couple of days - it was as if I'd got in touch with my 'inner parts/inner children' and they were 'taking over' - I found 'anger' surfacing strongly - and was thinking some negative things about situations - where normally I would be really passive and calm.  But instead of dissociating off - splitting off- whatever the process is that happens, I was 'blending' with those experiences, and then I felt over-whelmed. 

But I know I need to be 'mindful' and not 'react' - just be 'curious' about the experiences, and then I can better 'communicate' with the wounded/hurt/angry parts of myself. 

I am hoping to talk about this in other parts of the forum soon, but for now I'm just keeping hold of the memories of what's been happening.

So, this morning, right at this moment, I think I feel OK.  So that's a good start to today.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 28, 2018, 04:02:54 PM
it is, indeed.    :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 01, 2018, 07:01:59 PM
Thanks SanMagic  :)

Journal Entry for 1st March 2018
Sceal's words still stay with me, in terms of thinking of celebrating being apart from FOO - I think that's a good thing to do, rather than focusing on dates and occasions that might be meaningful to 'them'.  Afterall, my life has been taken up too much with being considerate of their feelings - of trying not to hurt anyone - of trying to tread 'carefully' and 'on egg-shells' incase I upset anyone.  Instead, I should have been allowed to 'play' 'to express all my feelings' 'to laugh' 'to cry' 'to make mistakes' - all of those things that children should be able to do, without fear.  I always had 'fear' - I always had 'trepidation' - and I always strove to 'conform' and 'fit an impossible mould'.

Reading Janina Fisher's book and using the other parts of the forum to talk about that - and exploring the 'other parts of me' stuff - it is all beginning to help me to formulate and understand things so much better.  I was over-whelmed this past few days - at first - it felt horribly intolerable and over-loading - and I struggled - but I have to say, that I feel 'better' over all.  A bit like a roller-coaster - because moment to moment, it varies, but essentially I am learning 'tools' and ways to cope - and Janina's book gives me written things to do - to do diagrams about what triggers me, and then to recognise which 'part' of me is triggered and what happens next - I feel I will be able to apply this to both current and past memories of things - to better make sense of why certain things 'trigger' me so much, and why there can be competing reactions within me, that don't often make sense to me.  I think it's because there are competing 'parts' within me, who each react in different ways, and I need to begin to get in touch and relate to them, and also learn to care for them, and recognise their boundaries.

I was just reading Paperclip's diary, she writes so eloquently and she talks of 'parts' - and I relate to what she writes.  She was also talking of boundaries with her own children, and I could see how she's looking to care for her own children, and I wish very much that I could have experienced that level of care from my own FOO - they didn't seem to be available to me - they were struggling with their own issues potentially, but at the same time, I didn't see much empathy ever shown to anyone else, except for themselves and their wishes and their desires.  There's quite a lot of narcissism - particularly in my M and I felt my F was enabling.  They were both abusive and crossed boundaries they shouldn't have crossed.  I used to have difficulty expressing that, but now I see it much more clearly - what they both did in their parenting - it wasn't right.

I feel as if I write with more 'clarity' just now - somehow I have an 'adult' head on my body right now, and feel as if I am 'ok' - yet earlier today, I felt like a small and frightened child - a couple of times - I can see what triggered me, more clearly, and I understand more now what 'she' was feeling - and talking about her as 'she' helps me to process it better - I'm beginning to write about my 'parts' and I know it is going to help me more and more.

So that's a good thing.

I also spoke to my partner about something I am supposed to go to next week - which fills me with intense fear, and which I think I may end up opting out of.  We spoke about it, and I shared with him some of my fears.  He was very understanding, and we both agreed about the different options there would be - i.e. face it, avoid it, maybe think of things I can say if I need to say anything - I guess the fearful thing is that I'm not sure anymore about 'who/which part' I take with me to things - and I don't feel as 'in control' anymore as I used to - because I could shield myself better in the past, and now I feel more 'naked and vulnerable' - if that makes sense. 

I am no longer so numb and dissociated - I am 'feeling things more' - and my 'cloak of protection' is gaping and letting things in, and I am therefore feeling less protected - but at the same time 'more real'.

I've also been pondering about the subject of 'procrastination' and the fact I am 'very good at doing that' - and yet I hate it, as there are so many things I need/want to do.  But somehow I can't get the motivation or action going to 'do them'.  Yes, I make lists for myself, and sometimes I achieve something from the list, but sometimes I don't - and then I feel bad. 

Also, I am scared to let my creativity out - and I think that is down to a fear to do with an occasion when I attended a Art therapy group (just one session) and it really frightened me as I painted myself screaming a torrent of 'stuff' out of my mouth - it really scared me.  Hence I worry about painting and 'allowing' myself to 'let go' in a creative sense.  But yet, I really want to - because I think being creative would be good for me.

I might write about that in another part of the forum, I'll think about it.

Anyway, glad to have written these things today.  I always feel better for doing so.  Well, often, anyway.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 01, 2018, 09:03:17 PM
wow, hope.  so much progress in this post, it's quite wonderful.

i hear you on letting go of those protective screens we've used and how much more vulnerable it can make us feel.  i also believe that we wouldn't have been able to do that if we hadn't gotten stronger in ourselves. 

i, too, like sceal's idea of personal celebrations instead of putting the energy out to foo.  that sounds like something i need to do in several instances.

well done, hope.   warm and loving hug to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 02, 2018, 07:15:41 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you - for seeing some strength there, I do feel it - and thank you for the hug  :hug: - you are lovely.   :)

Journal Entry for 2nd March 2018
I do feel stronger today - infact I was able to actually 'do' more things today - it was as if I 'gathered all my 'parts' together and we worked together to get through things - I'm really relating to the 'acknowledgement of parts' and I'm recognising where they are coming from in terms of different emotional states - and it also makes sense of the push and pull of certain things - how they contradict and conflict with one another sometimes.  Almost as if a trigger can engage both a 'freeze' as well as a 'fight' or even a 'fawn' reaction - I can change within moments sometimes.

Today I have been through a range of emotions, but I have also been able to 'do things' - and that has felt good.  I ticked some things off my list, a couple of things - and it was great to do that. 

I'm hoping to read more of the book over the weekend - and also do more diagrams to represent my inner children/different parts - I still am not sure exactly what to call them, but both descriptions seem to 'fit'.  So I'll go with that at the moment.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 04, 2018, 12:11:16 PM
I remember something in Calculus class that reminded me of this. To make the equation easier to solve, we were taught to split it into different parts and handle each individually. We had to simplify each equation to its most understandable form - dividing, multiplying, adding and subtracting what is needed, and only then can we look at the whole to know the answer.

Maybe our emotional lives can be similar.

I wanted to comment on that art class you've tried. I tried a couple creative hobbies myself.  I also had and still have a similar feeling when trusting myself to just create new ideas. For some people, creativity is planned and for some, it just flows out. Like fiction writers who creates an outline for a story compared to others who simply improvises as they go. Some people who create music want to focus on expressing their pain and others want to use it to find gratitude for their joys. People create differently, and you're free to have your own choice in this.

The unknown can be dangerous, but it can also allow new discoveries.

Take care.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on March 06, 2018, 08:07:40 AM
Hello Hope,

I just wanted to send you some warm thoughts and a hug. It sounds as if you're doing some breakthroughs these days, and that's wonderful!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 06, 2018, 09:11:03 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you for your comments, which you know - I find really invaluable - you have a really clear and constructive way of expressing things that make them easy to understand and follow, and I really relate to what you said - the Calculus analogy, it is great - seems to fit with the 'fragmented parts' stuff I'm looking at - and I especially like what you said about Creativity - and how it's ok to find a choice/way to express creativity.  I think in regard to 'being creative' that I would favour the 'letting it flow' way - i.e. if I was writing a story I think I'd feel better to let it 'develop' and go in its own direction, rather than have a plotline etc - but of course, something is 'holding me back' from even 'starting' any creative projects, and I need to really explore what that is - and get around it/negotiate it.  I've decided I would like to be 'creative' as it will be therapeutic and meaningful - I believe that to be the case. 

Hi Sceal - thank you so much for your lovely warm thoughts and a hug - and  :hug: back to you - I haven't been in here for a couple of days, and it's lovely to come back to my diary and read these messages from you, and from Decimal Rocket.  Thank you both.   :)

Journal Entry for 6th March 2018
I've had a dream last night which was disturbing to me, so I will hope to write about it in the 'dream' diary I've got going in the other part of the forum - but maybe later - for now I just want to say that I've found the weekend to be quite challenging - I had some 'social' things that were difficult for me, but which I managed to cope - and infact I coped better than I thought I would.  Also, I have something this week that I am not looking forward to, and which I am considering whether to 'opt out' or 'face it' - and I think I'll be better off to 'face it' - for my own well-being, as I don't want to end up being reclusive or a hermit.  But it's not going to be easy.

I have been doing some voluntary work - taking a more active role in that - and it's going ok, but I am finding that interacting with work colleagues again is triggering, as it wakes up past memories of what it was like when I was last working in a full-time paid job.  I am only doing a few hours a week - and typically I am enjoying the interactions with the customers, but finding the staff interactions to be less rewarding, and triggering some emotional flashbacks.

Also, I've not been able to read any of the book I'm currently trying to read - and I had hoped to get the chance to do that over the weekend.  Will hope to continue this week, it is a great book (by Janina Fisher).

I am trying to focus on some 'self-care' things - even looking at vitamin supplements, which is new for me. 

I am hopeful that the week will be ok.  I just need to get through the triggering event - I really hope I can attend it, rather than opt out.  I think it would be good if I get through it.  I'll see.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 06, 2018, 12:08:34 PM
Tough dreams, work colleagues triggering flashbacks, and an entire book to read. That's a lot to put your mind in, Hope. I just hope you'd get some rest and a pleasant slumber tonight. Take care,  :hug: .
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 08, 2018, 09:54:08 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you so much, you listed those things, and you're right, it's been a lot to put my mind in - and my night-times have been a bit more 'dream-filled' and triggering, but actually last night I did sleep better - thank you for your lovely reply - I appreciate it.  I hope you're ok - I've not been to read your posts - mainly because I'm a bit over-whelmed by my own stuff right now - but I will hope to read them later in the week - or maybe over the weekend - wishing you the best.

****
Journal entry for 8th March 2018
I have had a 'full-on' few days - I had something that I was 'dreading' - it was a 'social event' and it was potentially a triggering thing as it would mean facing some people I don't want to see - but at the same time, I wasn't sure if they would actually 'be there' or not.  My anxiety level went up and up during the day - and I also felt the clamouring of different 'parts' of me, who were both 'angry' 'frightened' 'upset' 'terrified' - all kinds of difficult feelings really - and I nearly caved in and decided NOT to go.  But - I decided to do some exercise - dancing around to music, to 'get it out' of me - and somehow that was calming and released some pent-up stuff. 

I ended up 'going' and not only that, I think it was not too bad.  I noticed that I was dissociating for part of the time I was there, and I also felt very anxious at a few points, but managed to keep my 'coping face' calm - and I didn't do or say anything to show the discomfort I was feeling underneath.  I felt good afterwards for having 'faced this' and that I did actually cope, because I had wanted to be a 'hermit' and 'hide'. 

A couple of years back, I would have hidden, I wouldn't have been able to face this.  So this is progress, and I acknowledge that I was 'brave'.  I am also relieved.

I've thought about 'routine' and about the fact that being without a full-time job anymore means I have 'time to fill' - and somehow that reminds me of when I was a child and I was very lonely and frightened and also bored, and yet I felt as if anything I did wasn't 'good enough' for my NM, and I had to be on 'tenterhooks' all the time to be the child she wanted/needed me to be - and somehow having the space to 'choose' how I spend time - I'm not equipped for it.  Working gave me restricted time to think so much about my 'self' and what 'I' wanted or needed - and when left to decide my own decisions, I feel pathetic and as if I can't do it.  But I know that's a wounded part of me, and I can hopefully help myself to focus on developing a routine, within choices that are meaningful - and then I'll be able to achieve things again.

I am doing some voluntary work - not a lot, but it's something - but it's also triggering for me.  But I'm doing it, and it's ok.  I'll see how it goes, because there are some positives to it, but also some really horrible bits too - and I'm not sure how I feel about it really. 

I've also been getting more memories/flash-backs coming back to me - as if my wounded parts/inner children are each 'showing me' snippets of what happened to them, or what they experienced and their feelings, and I recognise these scenes/memories - but again they are literally snap-shots, and difficult to put in any order, or make sense - but I am going to build up a picture by using the diagrams I'm doing to describe each 'wounded part/inner child' - and build a picture that way.  I think it will be helpful.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 08, 2018, 06:42:29 PM
sounds like some major progress, hope, on a lot of levels.  it also seems that you've come to a point of feeling both strong and safe enough to allow those 'snapshots' to surface.  wow.  that's really something.

well done, sweetie.  big hug.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 09, 2018, 09:21:38 AM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you - that's very validating to hear - and I do feel stronger, and knowing that my wounded parts/inner children are feeling ok to show me more snippets from the past, it's actually really appreciated, especially as I don't feel frightened or scared of those flashbacks now, but more 'curious' and hoping to 'see more' and 'understand better'. 
****
Journal entry for 9th March 2018
I have written about my Dream that I had a couple of nights ago, and that was helpful.  I feel calmer today - I am relieved.  It was hard yesterday, as I literally felt like I was experiencing symptoms of dementia, being so forgetful, distracted, and not being able to focus - but today - I feel completely different.  It was thanks to doing some processing of my thoughts and experiences overnight - and using the things I've read in Janina Fisher's book - as well as the reminder from WhoBuddy about shifting the body position slightly (e.g. lengthening the spine or other stuff) so that I can 'feel my adult self' and unblend from the 'wounded parts' - I have no idea if I'm using the right terminology to describe these things, and I'm aware I use different terms here and there, but it makes sense to me.  So I guess that's ok!

If I contrast my thought processes yesterday (e.g. Thinking that I couldn't cope with my voluntary work and I'd have to give it up - despite only doing it for a relatively short time - wondering if I can cope with even getting through the day - feeling as if my inner critic was taking hold and taking over - fearing that I had dementia - lots of catastrophising thoughts like that were popping up yesterday) - then today they are much calmer - as if I'm a different person entirely - so makes me think that I had blended yesterday with a wounded part that was hypervigilant, and a hypochondriac - but I've been able to separate and unblend - by processing and re-evaluating those experiences - last night in my sleep (lying awake for part of the night and processing) - and I feel better today.

I don't think I'm explaining myself very well - but I won't re-write it.  Better to leave words there, as I often experience when I come to re-read them later, that I am amazed by what I've written, or how I wrote it.  It's like I think 'Did I really write that?'

I was a bit concerned earlier in the week as I had written to a friend via E-mail, and she had replied to say that she thought I 'wasn't very well' - or that she said 'you weren't feeling very well' - or similar words to that - and it made me wonder what I'd said to her, that she would worry for me in that way, and think I 'wasn't very well' - the thing is that I had worried about myself that I might be going to 'break-down' and not cope anymore - so she had hit a nerve - I had felt over-whelmed - and therefore worried about myself and my sanity, and then she'd commented - and it was like 'Wow, I must be 'not very well''

Anyway, I can conclude today, that I am ok.  It's just a stressful time - coming up to Mother's Day on the weekend, and also to other stuff relating to FOO 'anniversaries/special dates' - and they continue to impact on me - despite my being estranged for some years now.  But I CAN and I WILL turn this around, and I'm going to try to 'celebrate' the fact I'm 'free' - rather than feel constrained - I really hope that I can do this.

***Trigger warnings here - mentioning Stockholm syndrome & abusive scenario ***
The other thing that just went through my mind as I said that, is that I relate to the autobiography that was written by that girl who was kept in a cellar by her captor - in terms of the constraints she felt on her liberty, and that she experienced Stockholm syndrome - I can't remember her name - but I related to so much to what she described and how she felt - and yet my 'captors' weren't actually 'captors' they were my parents - and I felt restrained and kept captive, and thought I loved them, it's a horrible thing.

I think I need to work on some 'letters to - not to send' - as those will hopefully help me to sort out the intense feelings that come up when I think of that situation, and I know I have anger about it - and I need to express that in a safe place.

I won't write more for now, as I can see I needed to write a lot here - more than I thought I would.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 09, 2018, 10:10:48 AM
Just copying and pasting a sentence from Janina Fisher's book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" which I want to remember and go back to:

"The challenge is how to access a going on with normal life part and convince that aspect of self to not only assume a leadership role but also cultivate the qualities of self, curiosity, compassion, clarity, calm, creativity, courage, commitment, and connection." - from p.98 of her book (chapter 5: "Befriending our parts).

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 09, 2018, 02:50:15 PM
i'm glad you left your words just as they were - they made total sense to me.  i love the idea of 'unblending' with those parts we've been attached to in such a way as they've seemed to be parts of our 'selves'.  shifting body positions sounds valid for that.

i'm also glad you feel better today, hope.  the one constant in life is that things will change.  right?  it's so true.  they always do, in some way, shape, or form.

big hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 10, 2018, 08:50:53 AM
Glad you're finding a way to heal that works for you, Hope.  :hug: I didn't read the same book, but I've tried similar ways of healing too. These often allow a way to be more deeply aware of ourselves somehow, and you can't heal what you're not aware of after all. Sometimes I healed not by changing what's inside, but simply being aware of them. Somehow with being a little more aware, what I tried to force change into unfolds naturally.

When I read about your Stockholm Syndrome, it reminded me of a movie I had to critique for English class. (Hey, even specialized STEM students need to learn how to communicate, right?) I remember Evey from the movie V for Vendetta was held captive in a prison after being accused of crimes against the dictatorship of the government. Even when she was told she was about to be executed, she didn't give away the location of who she worked with. After her last refusal, the guard told her she was completely free -- she had no fear.

It was strange how the guard said she was free, even if she was held captive externally.

She had a different kind of freedom.

Well, see you around.   :heythere:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 10, 2018, 09:41:23 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you so much for all that you wrote here - it's good to hear from you, and I agree that being able to be more deeply aware of ourselves and parts of ourselves is helpful.  Awareness, that's a key, isn't it.    It was interesting to hear about the movie you critiqued and the character V for Vendetta, and how she was 'free' even in a captive situation - because she had no fear.  You're right, it's the 'fear' that can hold us captive - regardless of whatever scenario/situation we are in, and that's why I am working on helping my 'Little Hope' that feels fear to feel 'safer' and in the end I hope that me and all the little parts of me will feel free - in the end.  Thank you again for your reflections, they are helpful.    :hug: to you as well.

***
Journal entry for 10th March 2018

I have been expressing quite a lot of emotion today - as well as feeling over-whelmed by triggers related to the fact it is Mother's Day in the UK tomorrow - I wanted to change things around this year, and try not to be affected by it, but of course I have lots of conflict within, and my 'parts' are all reeling from the reactions to that occasion - and I'm doing my best to 'cope' - as a functioning adult woman.  But it's tough!!!!  I'm crumbling sometimes, and other times I feel ok.  It feels like a roller-coaster - and I know it's because I'm thinking things through - and listening to different viewpoints - not only within my own 'parts' but also all the 'expectations' of people around me - in real life.  All the adverts on TV for buying great presents, special meals - etc. etc.  It's endless - that's a bit how it feels right now.  But after tomorrow - it will be over.  I have some other significant dates (related to FOO) coming up - beyond that, but I will get through those as well.  That is what I'm telling myself.

It feels 'ridiculous' at one level, as I'm not even in contact anymore, but it's like I am held responsible - something keeps me from being free to 'break free' - I am 'tied'.  That's how it feels.

I guess the other thing is that reading the book about 'Fragmented parts'  brings it home to me how much those contrasting agendas have held me back from living my life - so it's bringing up a sense of loss and grief - which is so much more than the original issues that I was aware of.

But you know, I think this is also a good thing, as I am literally 'waking up' some parts of me that have been frozen, and which could breathe and enjoy life, if they were given the opportunity to do so. 

I know that things will get better - I really believe they will - because I feel as if I have a 'key' that will work - and which will enable me to better understand and be more aware of how my mind and my personality fit and work together.  How I cope, and how I can adapt - and I am feeling greater self-awareness than I have done previously - and it makes more sense of many things - like the puzzle is beginning to fit together - and there are less bits missing.

Some clarity.

I feel better already, just for having written this - but I have also been talking to my partner a lot today, and that has also been really helpful. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 15, 2018, 04:53:38 PM
Journal entry for 15th March 2018
I'm alone as I write this, although since I've been learning about 'fragmented parts' - I no longer feel 'alone' as I know I have many parts of myself that are wounded, and therefore I can befriend them, and they are close to me, even though I am physically alone at this moment.  That's interesting and somehow comforting, and I don't even mind my 'critics' because I know they have been around to protect my more vulnerable parts - so they've been functional in that.

I was a bit freaked out this week - mainly because of feeling over-whelmed in trying to comprehend everything, and understand the book I'm reading.  It's quite complex, but I feel it makes sense too - and I am trying to pace my way through it. 

I managed to cope with Mother's Day - mainly by keeping very busy for most of the day - doing physical stuff that needed doing, and I also coped with meeting other people's wishes for celebrating the day - I won't say more than that, except that I found it quite tough.  But I got through it.  I was ok.

One of my friends had contacted me to ask if I was ok - this worried me, because one of my coping strategies is often to appear as if things 'are ok' - i.e. I can show a very calm exterior, and therefore I am surprised if someone then asks me if I'm ok - infact I'm not really used to people asking me that - it's like I would be invisible and coping, and I'd be surprised if anyone took the bother to find out if I was ok.  Like I'd think 'Are you talking to me?' - as if that would be a surprising thing.  The book I was reading had commented that sometimes people who are dissociated can end up communicating via E-mail or text inbetween therapy sessions, without the knowledge of the 'host' adult - and I actually worried that maybe I was one of those people who doesn't know when I've communicated - and that maybe I'd sent an E-mail to my friend that had concerned her.  I still haven't brought myself to check this out yet. 

I have had large sections of my life that I've seemed to block out/forget - and it's not purely times from when I was a small child, it's throughout my life, and that worries me that maybe I dissociated so much for those events/times, that I just conveniently blocked/erased them from my memory - or maybe I 'wasn't myself' at those times - I have identified some very variant parts of myself - which have very different personalities, and that is why I rarely touch alcohol, because I really fear what I 'might do' if I did.  I am scared to enter any scenario or situation where I might be 'out of control' in some way - or not completely in control.

I'm not saying I'm a 'controlling person' - because there's a very subservient aspect to my personality, but again, even as I say that, I know there are other sides that express different sides/aspects.

I have also noticed that a relationship I have with a friend has 'changed' a bit, as I've been a bit more 'assertive' in how I expressed myself - and she was shocked I think - and she seems to be 'digging at me' when she sees me - as if I've hurt a wounded part of her and she is going to take months to forgive me.  I can see that wounded part of her now, more clearly, and I feel bad for having been more assertive.  But at the same time, I feel that I have a right to talk about things that matter to me as well - and not just be a listening ear for her issues and her problems.  I also hope that my critic isn't getting over-involved in this, and trying to sabotage my friendship with her, and make me friendless - I'm not going to allow that to happen, so a part of me is going to be careful about that.

I'm wondering if I need to try to have some therapy now, that I have a framework to 'work within' - but then I wonder - how will a therapist cope with all of this.  I don't think they will.  I don't want them to think I'm crazy, because I know I"m not crazy.  But I know that the way I'm talking about all of this could sound a bit bizarre. 

Each time I write something here, I then face the 'critical parts' telling me that I'm 'bad' in some way - that people will say 'Look at her, she's a know-it-all - what does she know really!!!?' - it is very bad afterwards, but I just reply that I need to do it, because this forum is a safe and validating place, and I want to get these things out and share them, it feels therapeutic and it feels like the right thing to do.

I feel a pressure infact - to express some of these things, like I'm impelled to do so, for the sake of my Little Hopes who want me to help them and get them through all of this.

I've remembered a dream I had, so I'm going to write about that now.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 16, 2018, 03:14:43 AM
hope, i give you so much credit and want to validate you as a person struggling with a wounding - this beast of c-ptsd.  i'm so glad you were able to write, share, and not delete.  thank you for letting it out, especially if it helps you.  your vulnerability lands in soft strong hands here.

i totally relate to being asked 'how are you?' by someone when it isn't something i've been used to.  i had one friend who would do that regularly, and it would always take me by surprise.  i, too, was always the strong one, the one who took care of things, who had the 'i'm always ok' face on, so for someone to attempt to penetrate that would kind of knock me off center for a bit.

i'm glad for you that you were assertive with your friend.  yeah, they can be taken aback at having a real person they're dealing with, but it sounds like you'll do what you are able to make sure the relationship isn't shredded beyond repair.  i hope the friend feels the same way.  this could really bring you closer together. 

as far as therapy, if you are able to find the right t for you, i believe it will be beneficial.  your call, of course.  i know you're not crazy, everyone here knows you're not crazy, and a good t will not believe you are crazy, either.  anyone who even hints at that is not worth your time or money.

you are such a caring person, writing this stuff down in order to let your little hopes know that you are doing what's necessary to take care of them.  i don't doubt they appreciate it tremendously.  keep going, hope.  i think you're doing really well.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 17, 2018, 09:28:03 AM
Hi Hope. Thanks for introducing me to the book you're reading. The passages and comments you have on them are insightful, and I regret not buying that book last time I had my book allowance. I understand being overwhelmed with trying to learn something - intellectually and emotionally. I have my own subjects I'm confused about. Damn statistics class, and how to trust. . .

I don't like showing people my own pain either. I'm not much of a good actor hiding it sometimes. I always tend to come off as nice-person-trying-to-be-cold than someone cold.  :whistling: But even if they know what emotion are there, I won't admit it and say why these are there. I want those reasons to look ordinary, not CPTSD level reasons like it is.

I can relate to fearing that a part of me would be out of control. I have some not-so-nice sides of me I wouldn't enjoy being too blended with.

Conflicts with a friend can be tough. Remember you have the right to speak up for yourself. If both parties are willing to listen and trust each other, they can actually get closer.

Reminds me of the mathematics of relationships. Apparently some nerdy people tried to calculated the number of times people agree and disagree in a conversation, and counted how long their relationship lasted. It's not the ones who have no conflicts that last. It's those who have small conflicts over time, rather than leaving it out for a big one to explode that actually last.

Hope, I don't think you're crazy. I've thought of crazier things than this, and I don't think that those really count as crazy. People who suspect they're crazy are probably the ones who are least crazy.

y=1−(∣x∣−1)2‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾√,arccos(1−∣x∣)−π, Hope, which by the way is the equation of the graph of a heart. Hey, don't look at me like that!

Take care, Hope.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 17, 2018, 07:46:46 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for everything you said in your reply to me here, and also for your encouragement too - I appreciate it.  I don't have your faith that a T won't think I'm 'crazy' though - I honestly don't have that faith in them - but that's not unusual, as I don't have faith in medical people generally - I am distrustful of them.  I can't help it.  I suspect there is a wounded part of me that doesn't trust them, and thinks they will potentially hurt/harm me.  But, if I do go for therapy with anyone, I know I could see the person I saw previously - and I think I could trust her - although to be honest there are aspects of her physical appearance which remind me of my M, so that would be slightly difficult really - to get over that.  I guess it's a transference kind of thing.  They are afterall different people, but yet they are similar ages, and similar physical looks...!  This is interesting, as I wasn't thinking about that, until I started replying to you - but it is a factor, and I will think about it more.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you, SanMagic, and say how much I appreciate your support and your care.

Hi Decimal Rocket - I am glad you have found that book to be helpful - Whobuddy told me about it, and I am so happy to have found it.    Yes, it has been very overwhelming lately - learning something new and also trying to process all these new things too - both intellectually and emotionally, as you say. 

I found it interesting what you said about 'showing people... your own pain' - and it made me think that regarding my own pain, I think I'm actually quite dissociated from it - i.e. I rarely 'feel things' - even temperature or any other discomfort, and yet in the past couple of days, I have actually begun to 'feel' more things - i.e. I have experienced indigestion today - and I never usually become aware of anything like that.  So I wonder if I'm getting in touch with more physical things.

I do get headaches, and pain in the left-hand-side of my head, near the temple - quite often, but it's not been as frequent as it used to be, and I've been feeling calmer. 

Decimal Rocket - when you said that you have some 'not-so-nice sides' of yourself that you wouldn't enjoy being too blended with - I do relate to that - fearing what might happen if...  But sometimes I wonder if we stop ourselves from experiencing something, then maybe we won't know if it's as bad as we think it might be.  I will ponder on this more, as it could be helpful.

You're right, if both parties are willing to listen and trust each other, they can get closer, and my friendship is important to me, I won't step back from it - but I'll try to engage and work through things.

Thank you also for letting me know that you don't think I'm crazy - I appreciate that.  I think I worry about it sometimes - because I begin to doubt the veracity of my memories, and I wonder why I acted certain ways - at certain times, and it worries me.  But the fact that I think about it, and am concerned about it, I think that means I have a rational mind to consider it.

I really like the equation of the graph of a heart - you are lovely to share that.  Thank you!  You've made me smile.  I know it's going to be your Birthday soon, Decimal Rocket, and I very much hope that you will have a special day and that you'll know you have friends here - to share it with, if you want to. 

Take care.   

***

Journal Entry on 17th March 2018

I feel like it's been a bit of a roller-coaster for me this past week - but I also feel like it's been a worthwhile journey and I've been learning a lot of useful things - and making some good links and putting pieces of the puzzle together.  Fragments are connecting, and there's more of a sense of understanding. 

It's been very humbling to make contact with my Little Hope - and begin to befriend some of my wounded fragmented and wounded parts - and I'm tentatively connecting - and especially at night-time, I think I'm struggling with the difference between 'noticing them' and being 'blended with them' - which can be a bit discombobulating - to say the least.  Freaks me out a bit too, to be honest.  But essentially, I think that it will be positive and a 'way forward' - and I also feel that I can begin to experiment with my 'creativity' - which has felt stuck before - I think I know some ways I can loosen it up and 'do something creative' - I'll see how it goes.  Don't want to put those thoughts into words just yet, as I feel like it will be a bit of a jinx if I say it out loud.

Right at this moment, I feel positive.  I hope this feeling lasts - I do like it, for this moment.  It's a good feeling.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 21, 2018, 02:54:24 PM
Journal Entry on 21st March 2018
I am excited today - because I had put a question on the Blog post by Pete Walker, and he replied, and I am just sooooooo excited now!  I also feel quite a lot of emotion too - I think I need to calm down...  But I just wanted to share that it feels very exciting to have had some contact with him, and to have such an amazing reply - I have copied and pasted it into my 'helpful file' because I need to process it and there's a lot of information there, and I need to read it when I am calmer.

:cheer:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 21, 2018, 07:58:50 PM
Journal Entry for 21st March 2018 (2nd entry today):
I feel the need to write here, because I was feeling excited earlier, and a bit 'high on emotions' - and I'm coming back down again now, and I wanted to write that I feel quite 'emotionally exhausted' - underneath everything that has gone on over the past weeks.  The occasions I was dreading have both passed now, but it took such a lot of energy to get through them, and I have also been trying to process so many things - reading the new book and working on those things, and it's meant I've been 'getting in touch' with my 'wounded parts' and experiencing more things - I wanted to write about some of those things now - for example, I am 'feeling' more of my body - in that I am experiencing more pains and aches, and I can also feel that I'm experiencing things like indigestion - and I don't normally have any problem with those things - as I rarely 'feel' things.  I am adapt at dissociating and numbing and freezing - I suspect that is what it is.  But I do feel headaches and pain my  head - and have done for quite a time, but actually that hasn't been so bad recently - so things are 'shifting' and 'changing'. 

I realise that so far, my reaction to Pete Walker's response to me in the blog means that I actually feel more excited about the fact he 'replied to me' - it felt like a very 'young and excited' kind of response - that I felt in myself, as if my Little Hope thought 'He's noticed me' - and that was what felt emotional and exciting.  I realise I've tried to read what he wrote, earlier, and I haven't taken too much of it 'in' - as if my adult side wasn't reading it, but my child side was jumping up and down from being 'noticed'.  Then my inner critics started on me, and told me that I was pathetic for getting excited, and other such things that they said to me.  I turned to doing some 'dot to dots' as I find those relaxing - and it did help. 

I've also found myself worrying about other people in the forum, and noticing that if I've written somewhere, and then the person hasn't come back, and wondering if I've put them off somehow - I realise this sounds very egocentric to say that, and yet, I am just sharing my thoughts on it, as I realise I have thought about it - and I worry for Paperclip, as she's not been around, and also Andyman.  I know that 'goodbyes' or 'endings' of any kind are super-triggering for me, and so I guess I worry about those things.

I feel stupid now that I've just written that.  I also worried for Decimal Rocket, because I had spoken in the other thread about the fact that I'd popped back to write to her, because I didn't want to let her down, and then I felt embarrassed for having written that.  So if you're reading this, Decimal Rocket, don't pay too much attention to me, I am thinking aloud here.

But I also realise I am wanting to share these reflections, because I want to share some of my own vulnerabilities here, because I see how others share theirs, and I know it is helpful, and I also want to be more open here than I might usually be.  I am very 'guarded' in my 'real life' - I am always 'careful' about what I say and how I 'portray myself' - and I think it could be more authentic and real to be more 'relaxed' - yet I know I am probably very 'controlled' as a person.

I've been getting in touch with different 'wounded selves' - and I recognise a few.  I've even begun to 'name them' - but I don't want to share those names here yet - because they might be recognisable to my FOO - if they ever stumbled here. 

I am going to re-read what Pete Walker said in his reply - infact I may copy and paste it into this journal at a later point - so I can keep it here. 

But right now, I want to continue to reflect.

My partner commented that he thinks I've been 'suffering from intense stress' this past few days - he said he's noticed that I'm so tired from that, and that he worries that I've been overdoing things - but at the same time, I think he's glad that I'm talking to him about things, even though I had worried that he might think I was a bit 'mad' - he actually seems to understand and he is supportive.  I am so lucky to have him in my life.  I don't think I could do this without his love and stability - and I was reading something that a new member called Slackjaw99 had written, in his reply to someone else, about having met someone who has a 'stable attachment' and having that relationship was stabilising - and I definitely relate to that.  When I saw a therapist for a while, she told me that being with someone who was supportive like that, was helping me to 'open up' and be more 'vulnerable' and 'ready for change'.

I don't think I'm recalling that correctly - but I do relate to what Slackjaw said.  I didn't comment in the thread where he wrote it, because I was just reading.

The frustrating thing for me at the moment is that I keep getting some 'lightbulb' moments, but then they seem to disappear, and I've not written them down, and then they feel 'lost' - it feels frustrating.  Like I'm trying to use a torch at night in the thick fog, and shining the light doesn't necessarily show the way forward - yet, I know I am going to find a way through.  I can 'feel the way' rather than see it. 

I don't like experiencing indigestion like this.  I think I need to try to relax.

I will try to take it easy for the rest of this evening. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 21, 2018, 10:07:18 PM
Oh Hope, I read that post and I appreciated it. I usually don't think of myself as someone worth worrying about letting down, and it made me smile. I just get really shy sometimes with responding, becaus understanding people takes more stamina from me than most people, and well, being more touchy feely is still a little overwhelming to me sometimes.

Not to mean that you should be hard on yourself for this mistake, but being called a her bothers me. I'm genderfluid, remember? Not that you should call me a him either. Maybe more of a gender neutral "they". Sorry for the trouble.

Sorry that you're going through some trouble Hope with your emotions, and the book you're reading. We all have zig zags sometimes with our time to progress. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to rest.

Take care. :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 22, 2018, 09:15:01 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thanks for your reply, and it's good to know that you smiled when you read my comments, because I know that you're ok, and that's good to know.   :)

No trouble at all by the way, in terms of referring to your preferred gender neutral 'they' - and please don't apologise, I will certainly try to do that - I have been conditioned regarding 'grammar' etc - and so using 'they' seems a little unusual - and maybe I'll stick with 'you' when referring to 'you'.  Or just use your name - but either way, I will definitely address your gender neutral preferences. 

Zig zags - I like that - there have definitely been some 'zig-zags' going on - but I guess it makes the journey more interesting... Yes, I feel more rested today - and thanks again for your reply.

You take care too, Decimal Rocket. 

Hope  :)

****
Journal Entry for 22nd March 2018

I feel more 'adult' today - and less like a young and excited child - which was very much 'me' yesterday - after getting a reply from Pete Walker.  I wondered if I was 'fawning' and 'trying to please' - and I very much thought that might have been the case, but I do feel happy that he replied and later today I hope to re-read his reply and understand it along with the other things I've been reading about.

I felt quite a bit of 'shame' in the evening yesterday, after I had written my entry here in the journal - also embarrassment that I had expressed some of my vulnerabilities, but today I feel differently about it, and I actually think 'That was brave, Hope, that you did that' - and 'Nothing bad has happened' - and infact, you feel closer to people here for having shared those things.  So that's ok!

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 22, 2018, 03:31:15 PM
i also thought it was brave of you, hope, and i thank you for sharing, for letting us know you just a bit more.  i'm really glad you could let some of that guard down  -  it's a bit freeing, isn't it?

i totally understand that feeling you got at having pete walker reply to you.  after all, he is a sort of celebrity here, and maybe you were a little bit 'star struck' that he answered you.  i think that would be a pretty common thing to feel.  i've felt that way a couple of times in my life, too, and it was a fun feeling for me.  i hope you can see it that way as well, and just enjoy it.

i've worried also about some of the people we haven't heard from in a while, have worried about some of my responses as well.  i think i rely more on the mods now to let me know if something i wrote is inappropriate, and otherwise hope that people know that what i wrote is only from my perspective, what i think, or is just my opinion.   i truly never want to cause anyone hurt or pain of any kind, and i know you don't either.

very glad you have such a supportive partner.  that's so helpful.  very glad you're feeling strong enough to open up here, too.  thank you for sharing, hope.  love and hugs to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 23, 2018, 10:19:49 AM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for your words, and I appreciate what you said.   Love and hugs back to you - thank you  :hug:

****
Journal entry for 23rd March 2018
I think I'm building up to wanting to do some more 'Letters not to send' - because I think that I have some underlying bubbles of emotion that need to be expressed - so I'm trying to locate the strength I'll need to 'write them' - but hopefully on the weekend I will do just that.  I know it always helps me, when I've done that, but I know that it is an emotional experience and will cause me some emotional flashbacks.  i.e. more than I normally get.

I've felt frustrated that at night, I think I'm making some 'key links' - in that I feel like I've made a 'realisation' - and then I can't remember what it was the next day.  I should have a pad and paper by the bed, to capture those realisations, and maybe I'll try that.

There's part of me that feels as if I'm walking through a bog, i.e. a quag mire - or mud - and I am struggling to get through it.  I think I need to build some strong supports to help me rise up above the mud, and then I can walk more freely.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 23, 2018, 03:17:50 PM
i know that feeling, and i had to chuckle on reading that you felt it.  i always called it 'slogging thru the ****).  it's just a messy place to be, i would always feel messy, it felt difficult to make progress, hard to pick my feet up and take another step forward.  anyway, that's how it's always been for me.

i think those realizations that you've missed will eventually come back.  the fact that they surfaced for you shows that you are gathering strength to face these.  maybe you're not quite ready yet to look them in the face, which is why you haven't had that pen and paper by your side.  when you're ready, you'll either remember, or you'll have your supplies there. 

keep taking care of you, hope.  you are blossoming like a flower in the spring.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on March 23, 2018, 06:24:44 PM
Hi Hope :)

I think it sounds smart to build some support to get you through the quag mire, could you also get support externally? Like a lantern or a rope around your waist to keep you from sinking too deep while you waddle through it?  If It's okay, I'd like to send you some light at least to get you through the mud. Maybe in a form of a pretty firefly (if you like those)
:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on March 23, 2018, 10:31:01 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on March 22, 2018, 09:15:01 AM
I felt quite a bit of 'shame' in the evening yesterday, after I had written my entry here in the journal - also embarrassment that I had expressed some of my vulnerabilities, but today I feel differently about it, and I actually think 'That was brave, Hope, that you did that' - and 'Nothing bad has happened' - and infact, you feel closer to people here for having shared those things.  So that's ok!

That sounds like progress to me.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Pete Walker's reply to you was helpful for me so thanks for asking him!

When realisations come up and I don't manage to write them down before they disappear, they come back again and usually stick about a bit longer eventually.

A T once told me that feeling embarrassment and/or shame was a definite sign that you're making progress. Idk whether that's really always true cuz I can make progress without feeling embarrassment / shame but it sounds like progress to me that you're leaving your thoughts  here in your Journal in spite of your feelings.  :cheer:  :)  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 25, 2018, 09:44:01 AM
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for your reply and I'm glad that Pete Walker's reply was also helpful to you - I am going to re-read it again when I am calmer, I am a bit triggered today!  I won't go into why, but I need to try to re-focus and get myself out of this, as I need to put my 'coping mask' on this afternoon for 'social stuff' - oh no!!!!  But I will think of a saying that helps me at such times which is 'This too will pass' - I find that very helpful...

Yes, I agree with you, that leaving your thoughts in the journal in spite of the feelings - that's progress.  Definitely!   :cheer:

I think I need to do something 'active' to help me get some emotions out today - I'll have a think about it, and then take action...!

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 25, 2018, 09:46:29 AM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 23, 2018, 03:17:50 PM
i think those realizations that you've missed will eventually come back.  the fact that they surfaced for you shows that you are gathering strength to face these.  maybe you're not quite ready yet to look them in the face, which is why you haven't had that pen and paper by your side.  when you're ready, you'll either remember, or you'll have your supplies there. 

keep taking care of you, hope.  you are blossoming like a flower in the spring.  love and hugs, sweetie.

SanMagic, Thank you so much for your reply - and you give me some definite hope - as I do want to re-discover things and get in touch with them.  I like the analogy of the blossoming flower in the Spring - thank you.   :hug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 25, 2018, 09:48:17 AM
Quote from: Sceal on March 23, 2018, 06:24:44 PM

If It's okay, I'd like to send you some light at least to get you through the mud. Maybe in a form of a pretty firefly (if you like those)
:hug:

Thank you Sceal, so much for the hug, and also the beautiful Firefly - I know that will help me to see a way through this mud, and I really appreciate you sending me that my way.    :hug: to you, Sceal. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 26, 2018, 06:31:03 PM
Journal entry on 26th March 2018

I felt like I was struggling for parts of the weekend, it was very hard - but I am through it and I feel better than I did.  I was struggling - and I felt like it was too hard to push myself to keep going and get through things, but somehow I found some strength and I am ok.  I feel so much better today - it's been a more relaxing day, and I think it's because I feel I am now understanding more how to connect to my inner wounded parts - and I'm making some progress in doing so.  I don't feel so dissociated today - like there's a more 'grounded' me - and whilst I guess it might be partly due to having a calm after a stormy weekend, it feels good.

I've been connecting to different parts of me - there's many of them, and also there's a part who likes to 'rub out my memories' - probably to protect me, so I'm calling that part 'my protector' - that part literally won't let me remember certain things, and I will hope to get its trust and as I build up my resilience, then maybe it will begin to allow me to see things for longer. 

For some reason I don't feel able to write anything more, which is interesting in itself.  So I'll stop now.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 26, 2018, 07:24:39 PM
I've just written about my dilemma about seeing the doctor, and it's made me quite upset - and teary.  I wonder what part of me hurts so much, and why that is so triggering.  I guess it might be the helpless way I end up feeling, and that I don't trust people - or feel that they won't help me in the way that would be helpful. 

Anyway, just wanted to reflect on that - and actually I already feel a bit better - it's like I'm aware of a more 'grown-up' part of me that is feeling more 'in control' and reassuring the child part of me that it's ok. 

My emotions are 'waxing and waning' - I think they are like an undulating flow of energy. 

I'm going to do some 'dot-to-dots' now, as they are very calming to do.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 29, 2018, 08:04:11 AM
Journal Entry on 29th March 2018
So I have actually been to see a doctor and it was a new person - as my own doctor is about to go on holiday and didn't have any spaces - and the new doctor was helpful - she referred me to a specialist, which I wasn't expecting - but I will go with that.  Interesting that at this moment, of writing this, I feel 'nothing' about that prospect - maybe I will feel more when I get an appointment date.  Maybe it's a protective thing, to feel nothing...

I am continuing to connect more to different 'flashbacks' of memory - and I feel as if more of my wounded inner selves are communicating with me - and I'm beginning to recognise them at different ages - and I'm beginning to piece together things - I need to do some diagram drawings to put the pieces together.

I've been doing my voluntary work as well - I only do a few hours per week - and I can do it when I want to do it - there isn't a set routine - or set hours - and whilst I'm managing to cope, at the same time, it's been really triggering sometimes, and then I've worried about whether I can 'carry on' - or whether I should 'give it up' - so my confidence is definitely compromised.  But I'm going to try to keep it going.  I'll see how it goes.

I am nervous about the Easter weekend, as I have some social things I need to cope with over that time, and I know it will take a lot of energy to get through those things.  I wish it wasn't like that, it would be so nice to just relax and enjoy such things, but it doesn't feel like that - although maybe I will enjoy things when the time comes. 

I am glad that this forum is here, so I can come by and seek some refuge if I need it.

I read an article someone shared in the forum about 'Emotional Neglect' - and I thought it was really good.  I think it was a new member called Babbit who shared it, but that's from my memory, and I didn't thank them for sharing it, so 'thank you' - I have forgotten where the original thread is now...  It was a great article and I related to it a lot.

I'm feeling a bit 'flat' emotionally today - but I have things I need to do, and I am hoping the day will be ok. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 29, 2018, 05:23:39 PM
hey, hope,

i've also felt like pieces have been clicking into place.  it's a good feeling, isn't it?  like becoming more whole.  i'm glad for you that it's happening.

thank goodness volunteer work is just that - volunteer.  i hope that if it's too triggering, you can pull back on it without feeling guilty.  sometimes, tho, i also know it can be a distraction for when we go thru some rougher times, or an excuse to get out of a place if we need that, too.  use it to your advantage, unless it stops being beneficial to you.  that's how i see it.

when i was volunteering, it was a time when i was home with the girls, and, since i was able to do phone counseling, it didn't interfere with that.  it helped with my sense of self-worth, plus i got out once a month for volunteer meetings, and even made a good friend thru that.    i did it for 5 yrs. before i went back to school and just couldn't fit it in my schedule anymore.  but, i never regret doing it, it felt worthwhile, and like i was contributing to society in a pos. way.  i hope on the whole, it's the same for you.

i'm very glad you're here, hope, and that you're glad you are, too. love and a warm hug to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 30, 2018, 12:28:30 AM
I relate to how busy it can be with "holidays". It's supposed to be a time to relax and enjoy the moment, but many people have to treat their "leisure" time as something to perfect. I felt so claustrophobic when all the people gathered around for a holiday sometimes, and it's a little distressing.

It's alright to take it easy, Hope. It's alright to feel like having to rush yourself too.

We'll still be here.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 30, 2018, 06:31:23 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Thanks for sharing your reflections on voluntary work, and you're right, that is what it is - voluntary - and I will try to see how it goes, and whether it's something I can handle, or whether to let it go or not.  So far, it's been challenging, but I'm learning quite a bit from it at the same time - as it is showing me how I cope in certain situations where I'm not actually 'paid' to be there - which is a contrast on how I've felt during my previous working life in paid employment.  It's very different.  Thank you for the warm and loving hug - they are always welcome, and I have just been in your new Journal to offer you one as well - what a good idea to start a new Journal - maybe I will consider doing that, as this one is quite hefty now.  Maybe I would feel 'lighter' with a fresh Journal - I will think about it. 

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I rarely find the "holidays" relaxing - so I definitely know what you're saying there - it's like they have extra pressures, and are reminders of 'expectations' from family - that's what I think.  But the thing is, that I am going to try to make them more personal - and less about expectations - I'm not sure how I'll do, as there are still some people expecting things.  Even though they're not my actual FOO - as I don't have contact with them anymore - there are others in my life who have expectations.  I try to meet those, but I also hope to find out what "I" would like - which is a hard thing to consider, as I don't actually feel as if I know 'who' I am and what I'd like....

Anyway, thank you so much Decimal Rocket for saying that I don't need to rush - and that it's ok to 'take it easy' - I will try to do that.  I hope you do as well - if that is what you'd like to do.   :hug: to you. 

****
Journal Entry for 30th March 2018

I went into a few people's Journals, and then as I was writing there, and offering hugs and words to those people, I got a strong sense of inner criticism coming at me saying "You must go round everyone's diaries now and write in them, because if you miss anyone out - well they'll feel terrible - like you didn't care about them - and you know how that feels, and so how can you do that to someone" - so - basically I only wrote in 3 people's diaries, and then I stopped - because I didn't want someone to feel left out - but already I'm thinking - Oh, I wanted to write in Sceal's diary, and in Memorex's diary and in Paper Clips' diary - and etc etc etc - and then there's Libby and WhoBuddy and Fen Starshimmer - and Dee - and so many people - 3 Roses - so many people...

This is making me feel very emotional now - because I realise that I do feel 'close' to people here - and that actually 'hurts' - and now I feel an inner part of me is 'wailing' - as she's so upset about that.  Now my head is hurting along the left-hand side and my ears feel like they are actually 'burning'.   This is strange, but it doesn't surprise me - it shows me I'm so much more in touch with my emotions, and it's ok.

I have literally felt so much more stressed out over the past few weeks - I've tried to show a 'smiley and happy' outlook to anyone who physically sees me, because that's the coping persona I'm so used to wearing.  I do it often, and it is in some ways second-nature - people perceive me as a really nice and lovely person - I know that they do - because they often say it to me.  But yet I feel as if I hold them at arm's length - in so many arenas of my life - rather than allow them to actually get close.

I am scared of getting close to them.  I feel safe with the interactions I have here in this forum, because I know we're able to reply whenever we feel ok to do so, and that it's not 'in real life' - and I have to say that in my real life situations, I still feel that I've 'walled myself off' from true authentic contact - except for my partner - I do feel true contact and intimacy with him.

This weekend has a few things in it that will be triggering for me, and will be hard to face.  But I will do my best to cope and get through them. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 30, 2018, 06:46:17 PM
I've had to come back, as I thought immediately - I've missed out 'Eyessoblue' and 'Kat' and 'Andyman' and 'AncientSoul' - and this then reminded me that I used to obsessively 'count' the members of my family - and do some kind of ritual or compulsive thing where I'd repeat something the same number of times as the members in my family, and that I believed that if I missed them out, or didn't do it sufficient times, that one of them would die.  This may be because my sister - who would have made us a family of 4, suddenly 'disappeared' at various points in my life - as she was in and out of care homes - and then she disappeared completely when I was just 8 years of age, and I never knew what happened to her - not till decades later, and so I guess for small child, I must have thought she might have died, and... the thing is that I believe that I could have been responsible -

Trigger warnings here ***
just as I felt responsible for 'looking after' my NM and my enabling predator F -

The thing is that those things are 'not my fault' - I was the one who suffered at their controlling and suffocating parenting style.  They gave me no space, to the extent that I don't feel as if I could breathe properly - it's so stifling.  Yet I 'believed' it was somehow perfect - I was so stuck in a fog and unable to see.   So many parts of me shut down, dissociated and fragmented - so that my perspectives were clouded - I couldn't see. 

I see so much more now, and the fragmented and wounded parts of me are finally communicating and building a picture of things that happened and why I felt as I did.  Why the emotional flashbacks are with me constantly now, and I am beginning to truely comprehend them.  Making sense of them.

I feel some anger - towards my FOO - that's been hard to face - but it's there, and it's strong.  I also feel intense grief, intense pain, intense disappointment.  Not all the time, but at moments - and they are flashes that come and go.

Just trying to remember all the great people in this forum who have affected me, and who have helped me - I can't think of all their names, but they are all... I can't even think of the right word to say what I want to say.  Just that they do mean something - i.e. the fact they are all here, and that they have helped me in things they've said - and things I've read that they have said.

My partner shocked me a bit today, because he told me that sometimes I turn things around to be 'about me' - and I think that has shocked me a bit - because I feel that maybe I'm desperate for attention in the fact he said that.  But maybe that's the 'little Hopes' that are hungry for attention, and maybe he feels that.  I've been able to talk to him about the inner child work I'm trying to do with the self-help book - and I think it's incredible that he is supportive of me in discussing that - because I think it could be hard to talk about those things with someone who wasn't open to different ideas.  So I'm lucky. 

I think he might have been trying to say to me that sometimes other people aren't necessarily thinking about 'you' - i.e. that people tend to be much more self-focused, and not mindful of anyone outside their experience in that moment - but I'm not really sure what he meant.

I am feeling like I'm waffling now - but as Blueberry reminded me in another thread - that's ok, it's my Journal afterall.  That makes me smile, and I appreciate that reminder.

I'll stop writing for today though, as I've written quite a lot.  More than I thought I would!

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on March 30, 2018, 06:54:53 PM
The best way to hear how you're doing and see if Easter is going to be a difficult time for you is of course to read your journal  ;) not comment in my own.

So I'm wishing you all teh best for Easter with lots of self-care even in situations where you think you have to be there for others in some way e.g. social interactions.

I understand some of the stress of replying in peoples' journals btw. I have to remind myself from time to time not to stress so as not to get burnout over it. It does mean that I don't read or reply as much as I'd like to in some people's where I feel a connect such as yours. I hope you can be accepting of yourself about not being able to read and comment everywhere too.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 30, 2018, 10:10:08 PM
i've also been there, done that about replying to others here.  it got to be a heavy burden, nearly obsessive.  i'm working on putting that down.  i know i'm grateful for replies, but don't usually put an expectation on anyone to do so.  i'm hoping others feel the same, because it was getting to be too much pressure.

the same with remembering everyone's names.  i have to have faith that everyone knows how grateful to them i am, even if i don't mention them by name.

i am glad, tho, that you're getting in touch with your anger, and can hopefully get it out of you, and especially glad that things are falling into place for you.  love and a warm hug, hope
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 31, 2018, 11:13:28 PM
I relate to my little parts of myself that's hungry for attention. There's always a part of me that has to fight for the right to give time to myself to be listened to. It's a struggle, but I hope you can find a way out of that struggle each time.

I also relate to thinking of really messed up things with my imagination as a kid. I seriously thought monsters in the dark would kill me, and there was no adult to soothe me out of that fear. Kids don't understand much about the world yet, and to leave them alone as they develop that understanding could be terrible.

See you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 01, 2018, 10:52:59 AM
I've been thinking of you everytime I've logged into the forum. And a few times when I haven't logged in too. Just general kind thoughts and apprechiativeness towards you. You've met me with such kindness and gentleness, I don't know how to thank you.

If you're not certain what your partner meant when he said you turn things around to be "about you", maybe you could ask him what he really meant about it, and what he thinks about it? So you don't have to worry too much about it? I think it sounds farly logical that your inner children are craving attention - and that is by no means a bad thing. It's just how it is. I sometimes too talk too much about myself, and I find I can't stop. It's like I've been quiet for so long, and if I feel safe and someone is asking me a genuine question I might talk to much - because "finally" I have a voice to use sometimes. Could it be similar?
A gentle easter  :hug: - if it's okay!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 02, 2018, 05:59:32 PM
Hi Blueberry, SanMagic, Decimal Rocket & Sceal, Thank you all for replying to me here and I've appreciated what you have each said very much.  I found it a stressful time - over the Easter weekend - and I returned here from time to time to read things in the forum, and I saw what you had each written, and I would like to hug you all  :grouphug: if that's ok. 

Blueberry - thank you for mentioning about self-care - I tried to heed that and it did help.
SanMagic - yes, I am more in touch with anger - it's a new thing to feel it - and sometimes I feel as if I'm 'gushing it out' if that makes sense.  As if I'm not in control of myself - but when I think about that, I think - I am rarely out of control, there's a greater part that keeps me in check.  Thank you for the love and warm hug -  :hug:
Decimal Rocket - I really relate to what you're saying about 'Monsters in the dark' and how we can be so afraid, when we're children, and especially when there's noone to soothe us.  Infact, I relate so much to that, that I'm going to write about an experience I had in another part of the forum, as my 'little Hope' wants me to write about that for her - and I will do - but thank you for triggering the wish to write about it, as I do think it would help me to write about it. 
Sceal - your words touched me emotionally - and I want to reciprocate what you said, with a gentle hug  :hug: and also my thanks to you.    I definitely relate to what you said about having a voice, and how it then makes it harder to go back to being quieter, because those thoughts and feelings and everything wants to come out and see the light of day, and enjoy being in the arena of kindness and validation - it is such a precious thing.  I think we have been locked up for too long - when we've not felt able to talk about things in a safe place.  Thank you for everything you said.   I've also thought about asking my partner about what he meant when he said that things could be 'about me' - but I haven't felt able to ask him - because I'm partly a bit scared that he might suggest that there's a narcissistic element there - I don't think there is, but at the same time, I don't think my ego could cope with the thought/implication that it could be there - which in itself then worries me, that maybe it 'is' there - anyway, I am not brave enough to ask him.  I 'think' that he meant that I might believe that someone would be thinking about me, when infact they are more likely to be considering their own needs and thoughts - which is probably more true in most situations 'in real life' - i.e. maybe people are more caught up in their daily lives to think about how someone is feeling or thinking.  Whereas in this forum, maybe we are more sensitive generally and therefore maybe we're more likely to think of others - rather than ourselves.  Or maybe it's my tendency to have grown up as someone who has been a 'fawner' - in terms of trying to meet my NM's needs, because she's needed me to do that for her, to the detriment of my own needs and feelings and thoughts.  I don't know.  But thank you for the reflections you shared, as they helped me very much, and I hope that you have had a weekend that was ok.  I also think about you, and indeed, many many people here in the forum.  (SanMagic - that obsessive thing reared its head just at that moment, but I won't name everyone!)...

Journal Entry for 2nd April 2018
I am relieved that the weekend is finally coming to an end - it's been stressful in different ways, but I am essentially pleased that things went 'ok' - and I got through the various social things that I needed to do.  I was mindful of Blueberry's suggestions about ensuring 'self-care' and I tried to allow myself the space and time that I needed. 

I was very touched to see such lovely replies in my diary, and I read them during the weekend too - although didn't feel I had the strength to reply until today.  I have relied on doing 'dot-to-dots' to calm my mind, when I've needed to.  I have also been doing the 'meditation circle' that Janina Fisher recommends in her book, which is helpful to connecting with my inner/wounded parts, and trying to help answer their worries and concerns, so that I am not over-whelmed at other times.  I think it is helping, but it's a difficult process.  But I think it will help as I get better at it, and also that it's a meditative process, and is calming to my mind, in the main.

Little Hope wants me to write about something, so I will do that. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 02, 2018, 07:10:24 PM
Dear Hope,

I am very happy that I could help you out. And that my thoughts reached you. :)
I remember I was once talking to a T many years ago. He said I could do with being a bit more egosentric. I told him I couldn't, that would make me selfish and self-observed and not look to others needs. I suspect that  maybe you too feel this way? Especially in relation to fearing being a tiny bit narsissistisc? He told me in reply again that we all need to be egosentric. We need to take care of ourselves and to look to our own needs once in a while, it doesn't mean that just because we prioritize ourselves in certain matters or for a while that we are selfish and/or narsissistisc (I realise I've no idea how to spell that word correctly). It simply means that we are humans that have needs. And I think, if what he said was true, that you starting to use your voice now more than you have ever before is part of you taking care of your needs, or your little ones needs, and that it is a part of healing. Discovering things, setting boundaries, being challenged on your thoughts and discover if you can stand by your thoughts or if you must adjust your thinking (in a positive way, not unhealthy way).
Does this make sense? I hope it does, and I hope it helps.
My mind is rambling at the moment, so it's difficult to keep a straight thought in my mind. But I just wanted to share.
:hug: if it's a good time for one :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 03, 2018, 01:05:35 AM
Ah, I heard about those techniques in your thread about that book. They sound really wonderful. A nice way to bring our inner parts all together and share their worries. It's nice that the weekend is over for you. Must be a relief.

Maybe I'll check that thread you're making if I have the strength, Hope. See you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 03, 2018, 08:47:59 AM
Quote from: Sceal on April 02, 2018, 07:10:24 PM
We need to take care of ourselves and to look to our own needs once in a while, it doesn't mean that just because we prioritize ourselves in certain matters or for a while that we are selfish and/or narsissistisc (I realise I've no idea how to spell that word correctly). It simply means that we are humans that have needs. And I think, if what he said was true, that you starting to use your voice now more than you have ever before is part of you taking care of your needs, or your little ones needs, and that it is a part of healing. Discovering things, setting boundaries, being challenged on your thoughts and discover if you can stand by your thoughts or if you must adjust your thinking (in a positive way, not unhealthy way).
Does this make sense? I hope it does, and I hope it helps.

Hi Sceal - yes, it does make sense, and thank you so much for sharing that - it really helps me.   :hug: to you and thank you so much. 

Hi Decimal Rocket - yes, those techniques from that book are wonderful, and I think the opportunity to meditate and calm my inner selves - and begin to understand them, all of them - it is something I really want to pursue.   :hug: to you Decimal Rocket. 

***
Journal entry for 3rd April 2018

I feel like I've learned a few things this past couple of days, and especially thanks to writing here in the forum about my thoughts and feelings - I've learned that I dissociate so much - but even splitting my thoughts from my feelings regularly - even when writing about things - but that is most likely a protective thing, and I am going to pay more attention to the protective side - and try to pace things.

Writing about Little Hope's night-time experiences - it was a starting point, and I knew she wanted me to write about other things - but I wanted to hold back and just write about the 'safe' areas - and I'm glad I held back, because I did have a night terror last night - which was very frightening - I've written about it in my Dream diary - but the focus was fearing for my life - and a person trying to kill me.  I really thought I was going to die.  I am glad I am still alive!  I worried for my partner as I screamed very loudly and he feared he was going to have a heart attack.  He also asked me 'why now' - in terms of another night terror - as I know he was surprised by it happening now - as he said that the triggering events are 'out of the way now' (referring to some key FOO dates that have passed and then the stress of the Easter weekend etc - so maybe he hoped I'd be 'fine' now - and I feel bad because I know I'm likely to feel worse perhaps, whilst processing these things - and trying to sort myself out. 

Normally I wouldn't fear the impact on my relationship, but lately I have been feeling a bit concerned about whether my complex PTSD could end up pushing him away - or scuppering my relationship - and I feel in many ways that him being in my life has enabled me to have the strength to break away from the toxic control of my FOO - so I am a bit worried about him, but I will also acknowledge that there's a part of me that always tries to look out for the needs of others, and not myself, and so to be focusing on my own needs and those of my Little Hopes - maybe that's disconcerting me - and I relate to what Sceal said about the fear of being egocentric etc - but actually it's a normal survival thing to be egocentric - and for me to look after my own needs - maybe that's something I should have done earlier in my life - rather than been a parentified child, trying to care for my dysfunctional FOO.

Lots to think about for me at the moment. 

I also want to focus on moving past procrastination - I am procrastinating in so many arenas and areas of my life right now - I want to do some things and move forward, but I feel stuck - and I wonder how far through the FOG I actually am - I see glimpses of space and clarity from time to time, and then feel bogged down at others.  But I'll get there - I feel sure I will in the end.  I have 'hope' literally.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 04, 2018, 07:18:44 PM
Journal Entry for 4th April 2018

I have felt more triggered by a few things today, including the voluntary work I'm doing - I did a couple of hours of that today - and I felt like I was more 'triggered' than normal by a few things related to it.  It's made me wonder whether to continue with it, or whether to stop doing it. 

At the same time, it's helped me to consider 'what I want' - and how I would like to spend time - and what is meaningful to me - these things are not easy for me to consider, but the fact is I felt like I might have got somewhere in the thought processes. 

I feel a bit bad that I've 'neglected' my 'circle meditation' today - and I had said to my 'inners' that I would be there for them in the circle meditation every day, but I wasn't there for them today - but I've rationalised it in terms of thinking that they can access my mind when they want to - I am here all the time.  The door is never closed to them.  We are together therefore all the time - although I think I can leave some of them safe at home, if there's ever an occasion that one or more of them can't cope with.  This rationale works well, I think.

I am fascinated by how I can write in different parts of this forum, and feel different levels of 'being there' - i.e. I think I dissociate sometimes, and blend with other parts of myself, and that even my writing will alter depending on how I'm feeling and who I'm relating more to. 

I was researching 'dissociative amnesia' a bit today - mainly thanks to Sceal talking about it in her Journal or maybe somewhere else in the forum, and I do relate to it - it's happened to me a few times - I know that for certain.  Although I didn't realise what it was, and didn't really worry about it previously either.  Which one source said was often the case, that people didn't worry about it much.  Interesting really.

I am relieved that I slept better last night, and didn't have anymore Night Terrors.  That's so much better... 

As I write this now, I feel 'far away' from my inners - it's like Little Hope is somewhere else entirely - and I feel as if I don't have many worries or concerns right now.  Actually this is quite strange, as Little Hope is normally much closer to me.  So I'm not sure what's going on really.

I feel a little bit like Alice in Wonderland, looking down the Rabbit hole and wondering what activity is going on down there, yet feeling a thousand feet away - and therefore disconnected. 

I'm still trying to work out how to get out of 'procrastination' - I feel like I'm in a constant state of it.  As if I'm a statue frozen in time.  I need to de-frost myself and get into action! 

It's like a sticky mud grasps onto me, and keeps me suspended there. 

I'm trying to be more in the moment when it comes to watching films and TV generally - I often dissociate and can't take in the details of the film, although I do enjoy the lovely scenery and details - and I noticed that Little Hope was also watching some things, and when she was there - she would really enjoy the coloured patterns of wall-paper and things like that.  She looks at things in a more intent way - with open eyes and heart.  I like that.

I think I've felt a bit depressed in mood today - a bit flat - but this is after the Easter weekend, which was stressful for me, so maybe I just need to be quiet and flat now.  It's better than feeling anxious and upset.  Calm is good.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 05, 2018, 01:51:07 PM
Journal Entry for 5th April 2018
I've decided that I'll wait till this Journal reaches 30 pages, and then I'll start a new one!  That's a decision made, and feels good.

I think I must have been experiencing depersonalisation yesterday when I wrote here, because that feeling like 'Alice In Wonderland' looking down the hole - that was like being outside looking in - and now that I've been reading another thread in this forum just now, it made more sense - I saw that Eyessoblue had also written something similar about such things, and it made perfect sense to me.

Today I feel more grounded, and in touch with my feelings, and it feels a lot better somehow.  So that's good.

Regarding tackling procrastination - I'm managing to do a few things each day - via a list, and then ticking them off, and whilst I feel like my progress is slow, it is at least happening!   

So this is good.

I talked to my partner today about whether I would seek out therapy again or not - and we both decided that for now, I'll continue as I am doing - with self-help and the support in this forum, because I seem to be doing ok.  But that if it reaches a time when I'm struggling, then maybe I'll approach the therapist - but right now, I'm doing ok really.  I have been a lot worse - and I think I am making progress.

I'll see how it goes.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 05, 2018, 11:51:26 PM
I'm glad to see that you're feeling more grounded, Hope. Little Hope must be feeling more heard and loved then, huh? Sometimes when I feel distant from my own little ones, I just get the sense that we need a break with time to ourselves until we can start talking again.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 07, 2018, 06:30:26 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you - yes, I think that Little Hope is feeling that she is being heard and she likes that communication.  I really like what you said about needing time to take a break and time to oneself, before talking again - that really makes a lot of sense.  Thanks for sharing that with me.  I think that me and the Little Hopes will take heed of that.   :hug: to you.

***
Journal Entry on 7th April 2018

I had started re-reading Janina Fisher's book again today - and was amazed at how much I could understand it better the second time of reading certain parts - as if I was seeing some things for the first time, and I also freaked myself out a bit as when my partner brought me a cup of tea to drink, I thought he'd given me the wrong mug, as the mug I had was ENORMOUS - yet it was the same one I usually have - and it really felt as if I'd become very little - as if I had morphed into Little Hope - and the cup was sooooo big.  That happened to me before when I had written about the Lady with the Long Brown Hair, and then when I'd gone to get ready for bed, I felt as if I had an enormous body - so I'm wondering if I keep blending with Little Hope - or whether this is something else.  Anyway, I'm going to be careful and try to pace myself and also ground myself - to ensure I stay in the real world. 

I was also looking at my 'diagrams' - which are different time periods from my life and things that I've noted down around those times - and it also felt as if I was reading them for the first time - and thinking 'Did I really write this?' - and it was as if I was processing it - rather than just intellectually seeing it - I was able to feel some of the feelings that relate to the events, rather than just seeing them. 

I watched a u-tube video by someone called Heather Gingrich - she has written a book called 'Restoring The Shattered Self' and she was being interviewed by a radio presenter about Complex PTSD - she spoke about how it was important for people to look at the details of  the traumatic events - and to explore the emotions and the physical sensations accompanying it.  The interview was really helpful.  She also said things about how EMDR could be used, but it was often more helpful if the person doing it was trained to understand complex PTSD, as that was important - the only experience of EMDR I've had was via a hypnosis CD that I bought by Paul McKenna and he used it in there - and I tried it, but I can't remember how it went, as it was a long time ago now.  Maybe I'll try it again sometime.

I have bought a kit to try to do some oil painting!  It was a pad of paper and some oil paints and paint brushes - so I hope to see what happens.  I've not done oil painting before.  My partner has also given me some white spirit  so that I can clean the brushes. 

Right now, in this moment, I have no idea what I'm feeling - it's like I'm not feeling anything. 

But it's ok.  It feels alright to be feeling like that.   I think the week as a whole has been ok.  I got through it, and I did do a few things from my list. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 07, 2018, 09:42:16 PM
hope, i'm glad you made a decision about therapy that suits you.  well done.  we all go about healing in different ways, and what works for you is your way, and that's what matters.

i'll be interested to hear how your oil painting goes.  i used to do the 'paint by numbers' types when i was a kid, but i remember the smells, and that i loved doing it.  no artist am i.  still, it was something i enjoyed.  i wonder if those are still around. 

i think the idea of taking a break for a bit is a good one, too.  nice that d.r. thought of it for you.  i do take regular breaks no matter what kind of brain work i do, and they really help.  hope yours will as well.  love and a big hug, hope.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 08, 2018, 07:58:21 AM
I too am wanting to try oilpainting. But I don't have a well ventilated living space, so I wont be able to try until the summer so I can sit outside. I hope you find it an interessting medium!

As for merging with Little Hope, I think that might be a good thing. I've heard that it's part of healing to intergrate the different parts of ourselves when it comes to complex ptsd and to DiD. I hope it feels good for you!
:hug: - if it's okay today?
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 09, 2018, 07:41:04 AM
Hi SanMagic - I also remember doing Painting by Numbers when I was a child - it was a nice thing to do.  I don't know if they still have those things, but I do remember it was oil paint, as I also remember the smell.  Thank you for the love and hug - and reciprocating that back to you -  :hug: thank you.  I'm not sure if I'll actually get to do the painting, as I can't even motivate myself to even draw at the moment - my creativity is stuck - I feel stuck in many ways, but I am going to try to make some changes this week, and hopefully I'll be able to get past it.

Hi Sceal - I think I will also wait till the Summer to try the oil painting, because you've made a good point about needing ventilation to do it.  I am finding it hard to even do some drawing, as my creativity is stuck - but I thought if I try to do a drawing this week - just one - just start one, then maybe I'll want to do more.  I do dot-to-dots currently, which I find relaxing.  I only do about 10 minutes of dot-to-dot a day - but I like it.  So maybe I can do 10 minutes of drawing.  Thanks for what you said about merging with Little Hope - maybe she will want to draw herself and so maybe she can lead the way on that.  Thank you for the hug, and I would like to also give you a warm hug back too -  :hug: - if that's ok.
****

Journal entry for 9th April 2018
I need to do some de-cluttering - I have lots of things I need to get rid of, but again, feel lack of motivation to even start.  I feel quite flat in my mood today - which isn't helping.  I have an appointment I need to attend later - so I need to get ready for that. 
Can't write anymore just now.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 10, 2018, 05:48:25 PM
Journal entry on 10th April 2018

I am continuing to be in quite a depressive phase, emotionally - feeling quite low and flat and lacking in interest - BUT I am also attempting to process this and get in touch with the part of myself that is represented by this feeling - and I think I am making some links and that I am getting somewhere.  But it's really hard - I am also feeling physically sick quite a bit of the time, and then wondering if I am 'sickening for something' - maybe I am physically ill - but my partner said to me that he thinks it's 'psychological' - interesting! 

I can't put things into words just yet - because I just don't have the words to convey it.  I felt physically sick, and as if I couldn't eat - but I did eat.  Then I felt a bit better.  So it's like my appetite has gone, I can't work out when I'm hungry and when I'm full. 

I'm not going to worry about it - or at least, I'll try not to. 

I think it's because I've been working hard on the inner wounded parts stuff, and maybe it's too much - too soon - but yet I don't want to stop doing it - as I feel like I've finally found a way to understand myself.  But at the same time, I can see that I have a lot of different issues to contend with - so many.  Too many.

But I have time, and I have hope - and I will just try to go with it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 10, 2018, 06:21:11 PM
Hi Hope!
I'm sad to hear you're in a depressive period where you're lacking in interest for those things which previously were enjoyable to you. I hope your interest will come back to you soon.
Physical illness and mental illness/fatigue can often go hand in hand. Like, an anxiety attack for many feels like a heart-attack the first few times around. A heart-attack is a very physical thing. Also walking around with migraine, and knots in the belly are often physical symptoms of psychological stress. So perhaps your partner is right? You've worked alot with your innner wounds for a while now, perhaps the sign of feeling physical sick is a sign that you should rest a bit before continue working? Or perhaps it's a sign that something is starting to losen up a little more for you?

Don't forget to give yourself self-care and rest after all your hard work.
:hug: if it's okay today
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 10, 2018, 07:42:09 PM
i agree with sceal, hope.  you've been working awfully hard on putting those pieces in place.  i also understand not wanting to stop because of the progress you're making.  maybe you don't have to stop, but slow down.  it sounds like your body is telling you that.  not forever, just for a bit while your brain/body get a bit of rest.  they're having to fuel this work, after all.  they deserve a break, too, just as you do.

i'm down right now as well, so i can relate.  please, take it easy on yourself.  you deserve that, you've earned that.  much love and hugs.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 11, 2018, 05:41:19 PM
Thank you so much Sceal and SanMagic - I appreciate your replies very much.   :hug:  :hug: to you both.   :)

Journal Entry for 11th April 2018

I am physically ill - I thought it was psychological, and I suspect that quite a significant part of it is exhaustion from all this work I've been doing, on my inner wounded parts - but I also think I have some food poisoning - as I have a bad stomach upset - and I can't eat very much - I am trying to eat bland foods - and keep hydrated. 

I am also being mindful of the advice to rest and recuperate from this, and I've been sleeping a lot - during the day and at night.  I took a warm bath as well - and it was comforting. 

I had felt very depressed in my mood, and it was getting me down.  However it is lifting a bit, as I am feeling a bit better as the day has gone on. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 11, 2018, 08:09:00 PM
here's to a speedy recovery, sweetie.  that kind of stuff is also exhausting on the body's systems.  glad you're sleeping and resting.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 12, 2018, 07:57:31 AM
Hi SanMagic,
I am feeling a lot better today - the extra sleep and resting has done me a power of good, and also ensuring that I ate bland things - my stomach is still a bit gripey, but overall, I am much calmer and also feel as if my appetite is returning - but I will continue to take it easy on the food side of things, and I am so grateful for the love and hugs - thank you. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 14, 2018, 07:07:43 PM
Journal entry on 14th April 2018

I have been reading a lot - I felt exhausted from it, but I was glad I did it.  I am going to try to take a break from it for a while though, as I think I need to focus on just taking some time to allow myself to process everything - I think my body has reacted a lot to all of this - and I need to listen to it, and give it some respite.

Was so happy to see that Paperclip is back in the forum - and also read what Memorex had said - and things resonated with me in both of their journals. 

I'm experiencing some quite 'heavy' emotions lately - they feel too heavy to carry - so I guess I'm putting them down for a bit - I have been working on my 'Memory diagrams' and also putting things in terms of themes too - and also trying to look for links and to be honest, it feels quite over-whelming, as I see so many things that look like 'red flags' to me - and I wonder why they feel so scary - but it's due to the fragmented nature of it all - and the missing parts - but I read in Janina Fisher's book about trusting that "triggered states 'tell the story' of the past without the necessity to either recall or avoid recalling specific incidents." - that was reassuring to me.

I don't feel like my writing is making sense right now, but I will leave it as it is.  I am just tired.  I will rest.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 14, 2018, 08:38:08 PM
Hope, your writing makes perfect sense! Reading this, I'm impressed at how much therapeutic work you do on your own, without a therapist. Wow!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 15, 2018, 12:36:12 AM
Hi Hope, nice to see you. Hope you can get some rest after all that healing work. It must be tough.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Libby183 on April 15, 2018, 07:53:01 AM
Hi Hope.

Just wanted to say that I hope very much that you are feeling a bit better after your illness. These things are so hard to get over when you are already dealing with so much, aren't they?

Take care and hugs,

Libby.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 15, 2018, 05:44:55 PM
Hi Blueberry, Decimal Rocket and Libby,
Thank you for your replies - I really appreciate them all -  :hug: to all of you. 

Journal Entry for 15th April 2018

I have felt really low in mood throughout most of today - but as time went on, I felt calmer about feeling that way - and it became more bearable.  I've just spent some time 'planning' the next few days - and produced a detailed list of things I hope to achieve, and also been specific about when I want to do those things.  I am just hoping that I will actually do them, and not procrastinate.  But there are some deadlines - which means I will most likely manage to do things. 

Instead of reading self-help books - I read some of a fiction book today - and also newspapers.  So took a break from self-help stuff.  My partner wanted me to go out for a walk with him - but I still don't feel as if I have much energy, so I declined.  But hopefully tomorrow I will try to get some air, and that will be good for me.

I found that I was facing many self-critical thoughts today - particularly relating to my FOO - and I was probably grieving my relationship - i.e. wishing it could have been different.  I guess it's hard to feel positive when thinking of those things.  It all feels like a very big mess when I think of it, and previously I felt as if I was keeping things together, but actually the whole thing was just dysfunctional and broken, and the reality of how things were, were completely different to how I perceived them.  My whole being fragmented - I recognise that there are many different parts of me, and I am getting in touch with them and beginning to understand each of their perspectives, and it's over-whelming on the one hand, but also very positive to finally be making sense of things - and putting some sense into things for myself. 

I've got a few challenging things to face this week - and I need some strength to do that.  I had felt really poorly this past few days - in many ways, so fatigued.  But I have rested - and I have slept more, and I do feel a bit better now.  Ready to hopefully go forward into a new week.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 15, 2018, 07:42:53 PM
 :hug: :hug: for all the difficulties you were going through this weekend. I hope you are less plagued by those sorts of thoughts this coming week! I mean I know it's healing in a way when the puzzle pieces start slotting together but it's also exhausting.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 16, 2018, 04:59:11 PM
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you.  I really appreciate those hugs  :hug: 

****
Journal Entry on 16th April 2018

I feel a heightened sense of anxiety at the moment, it's as if I've done the most awful thing - and it's that feeling I would have about impending punishment from FOO for transgressing something - and it's a frightening feeling - but I am thinking that I really want to shake that awful stuff off me - shake it away - leave it somewhere.  I just wrote about some stuff in the SA forum section - and whilst I realise I feel some disgust at myself, I was pleased to also feel some compassion for the part of me that has had to endure things and it felt ok to express the things I said - but now my anxiety levels are back up really high again, so I'm trying to distract myself - and I thought I'd come back and just write about it for a bit - as it does help to get it out there - write it here. 

I've suffered horrible head pains over the weekend, left side of the head - and particularly whilst I read the book by Torey Hayden - but I was absolutely desperate to read it from start to finish and take heed of her words - it meant a lot to me to read the compassionate nature of that person, she cared so much about her clients - and she really worked hard to try to find out what was going on behind their difficulties - look at their families and try to support at a systemic kind of level.  I thought it was amazing.  Little Hope really liked it.

I've been comfort eating again on and off - and I realise that's going back to an old pattern I've had - and I don't want it to take me over, and numb me.  I want to feel my emotions, and I don't want to block them out with food.  But it was hard to stop myself from bingeing, and I did binge - it could have been worse though.

I also realise I feel guilty, as I mentioned that I don't fantasise, but actually I have done - but I feel too embarrassed to admit that to myself - because the content hasn't been 'acceptable' - I can't bring myself to write about it - I'm worried about my FOO somehow finding that I even write anything - they censored my thoughts, my feelings, my everything.  I couldn't write in my diaries without fearing they would read them, so I would censor what I wrote.

I've been very open here - in so many ways, and that is actually cathartic and special and important to me, because I'm sick of hiding all my feelings and my thoughts, but I still am censoring myself, and there is still some control there.  I realise that.  But maybe that's to be protective.

I've seen people talk about doing 'dark side' work - and I think I know what they might mean, as I am realising there are other sides to myself that have been repressed and cut off - and I related to what California Dreaming said in another thread about the Curious Imp that Edgar Allan Poe wrote about - I might have remembered the name wrong there - I'm going from my memory - but it was something like that.  The Perverse Imp?  I'm not sure...

The feelings I have currently are like a tightening of a drum - I feel intense tension.  I wish I had something I could thump, and hit, because I feel like there's pent-up aggression inside - and it wants to get out.  If I was driving alone in a car, then I think I'd scream and scream out loud - I have done that before - it was a good thing for me at the time. 

I think I'm getting in touch with some very strong feelings - feelings that have words like injustice, unfairness, disgust at how I feel I was treated - as if my feelings didn't matter - as if I was the object rather than a child.  Yet I know that if my FOO would be asked about any of this, I feel sure they'd look with open eyes and say 'Nothing to see here' - 'we don't know why she is doing this or saying this'

Feels incredibly frustrating - but maybe that's good - I'm 'feeling' this.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 17, 2018, 11:55:56 AM
Journal Entry for 17th April 2018

I am glad that today I feel calmer again, because I felt such an 'angst' yesterday - it was unbearable at times - such heightened anxiety and tension, and underlying anger, but at the same time, it still felt as if it 'wasn't real' - like it was under treacle or part of a 'novel' rather than real life.  Yet this is 'my life' and it is 'my feelings'.  I had to negotiate a terrible inner critic telling me I was disgusting - that people would dislike me for writing about things, that they would say "What are you whining on about" "You are so lucky - you have this and that" - but I recognise that's probably the messages that my FOO would say, i.e. "don't be a drama Queen" - "You make a fuss about nothing" - and basically I've not confronted them with the issues of CSA - I'm too scared to confront them about many things - I've been NC for a few years now - but whilst I was VLC I tried to communicate with them about 'safer' topics and met a barage that suggested intensive lack of comprehension.  Actually there was a delusional quality towards some of the communications I received at the time.  Particularly from my NM - and my enabling F - he just seemed shut-off and incomprehending. 

My sister believes they are from the dark side, literally - she thinks they are 'evil' - she totally believes that, and I can understand why she does, from the things she told me - and when I look at my time-line, I see that the worst times for her coincided when I was aged 18 months to 3 years of age, and so I realise that I must have witnessed the incidents she has told me about - and she agreed that I would have heard and seen some of them - and yet, I only have 'flashes of memory' - rather than a comprehensive grasp of what happened, due to being so young.  This makes sense of how traumatised I believe I have been - at a pre-verbal age. 

The other thing that concerns me is the lack of memories I have from the age of 12 to 16 years, and that makes me wonder what I've repressed for that time period - I really believe that was another danger time for me.  I have flashes of things that make me feel very uncomfortable, and my gut instinct tells me somethings very badly wrong about that time period too.

Basically all my childhood is veiled in various ways - there are layers and layers of things - I've avoided many aspects, and I think I've coped by compartmentalizing, as I feel as if I'm along the dissociative spectrum, but not to the degree of losing consciousness of my different dissociated states - but even saying that, I know there are periods of my life when I feel as if I was 'taken over' by other 'alter states' who made me behave in contrasting ways, at different points in my life and in different relationships and situations.

When I had T for a time a few years ago, the T told me that she felt that the only way I was able to safely begin to look at these issues was because I am in a stable relationship at last.  I believe that.  Until my current relationship with my partner, I didn't choose very good partners - I can see the danger flags in past relationships.  I can also see that I avoided looking at the CSA - whereas in the past year to two years I have started to tentatively look at it.

Anyway, it's good to be able to think and express these things, and I'm not going to allow my inner critic to silence me anymore - I can speak and share my thoughts and my feelings, and I am thankful to have people alongside me who understand.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 19, 2018, 03:35:15 AM
Hi Hope. :)

Hope, I know about the dark side work they talk about. People call it shadow work, and it's a work that people have multiple misunderstandings about. It's not acting on those dark sites, but simply acknowledging them and accepting them. You can only control what you're aware of, and you can only truly love yourself if you love every part of yourself. To realize these flaws makes it easier to understand what it's like for other people to have these flaws, though still defending yourself if they might go too far with possibly harming you.

It's crazy how we forget memories like this, huh? Part of what makes us us is the life we lived, and to forget essential parts of it is like forgetting essential parts of who we are. Essential inner children. I guess it takes time and effort to realize these parts of us, and I'm not sure these parts of us even want to be seen sometimes, but I hope they can open up one day. They need love and acceptance too.

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 19, 2018, 07:19:20 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you for everything you wrote here, I really appreciate it, and also the reminder that the work is called 'shadow work' - yes, I am going to look more at that - because I think you're right, it's getting in touch with all parts of ourselves, and I have certainly been doing that this past few days - and it's been tough going.  I have especially found that I've woken a very critical part of myself - which has made me feel it is disgusted with me - but I am actually beginning to resolve that, and there is some compassion coming in, which is easier to bear.

*****
Journal entry for 19th April 2018

I am thinking of trying to 'take a break' from self-help reading over the weekend - and will try to do less demanding things - and just see how that goes - because I felt like I was on a bit of a roller-coaster of emotions this past few weeks, and I realise I probably pushed myself a little too hard - as there were times when I feared that my sanity was being compromised. 

What I have found helpful is watching a couple of u-tube videos by Peter Levine on grounding techniques, where he just showed a couple of things I could do to feel the containment of my body - by physically hugging and 'feeling' the containment and noticing changes within - relating to the vagus nerve etc as well - which I thought was interesting. 

I think I've avoided watching u-tube videos before - and have been focusing more on books - and I'm not sure why that is - because there is so much out there online in that format of videos, and so I could learn a lot that would be helpful.  So, my intention is that once I've taken a bit of a break - I will then re-start looking at information, and that I'm going to focus on pacing myself and hopefully ensuring I take things slowly.

I have also thought about my wish to de-clutter things at home, and finally sort things out - because there's so many things I've put off, or procrastinated about, and I need and want to deal with that.  I read that Blueberry has started doing her process and had put some things into piles - and that sounded positive.  Sounds like a good strategy. 

Anyway, just making some kind of plan feels positive.  So that's a good thing.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 24, 2018, 12:08:53 PM
Journal Entry for 24th April 2018
So I took a break from self-help reading - I also made a decision to stop doing my voluntary work too - because I've not found it helps me very much at the moment, and there have been things within it that have been too 'triggering' - so I have informed the people who needed to know, and they have been understanding of my decision.  I feel a sense of relief, so I think it was the right decision. 

I am feeling reasonably calm today - I've not had many triggering things happen - the weekend was ok.  So really - I think I am feeling some equilibrium, and a sense of calmer perspective. 

I also had a situation where I had to say 'goodbye' to someone I'd not seen for a while, and that would normally trigger me into an EF - just the thought of saying 'goodbye' - but somehow it was like it didn't impact on me - I'm not sure how to take that - was it that I dissociated and therefore didn't process it at all, or was it that whatever triggered me on previous 'goodbye' occasions just wasn't somehow part of that scenario?  I really don't know.  But it was different.  It was like I coped more normally - how I see other people coping with saying 'goodbye' rather than my usual reaction.

I have been comfort eating more though - this upsets me, because I know it's a way to numb my feelings, and I don't want to rely on that as a way of coping.  I will get over-weight - and I won't feel healthy if I do that.  So I need to find a different way.

I haven't got any further with my attempts to tidy things and get rid of stuff I don't need anymore.  I keep thinking of Blueberry, and knowing she's put some things into piles - that is impressive - I need to take a leaf out of her book, and try to do a similar thing. 

Anyway, the good thing is that the roller-coaster of incredibly strong emotions has calmed and I feel as if I'm coasting along at a station right now - and I can look around, and think about what direction I want to take.  That feels positive.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 24, 2018, 03:42:23 PM
Quote from: Hope67 on April 24, 2018, 12:08:53 PM
I haven't got any further with my attempts to tidy things and get rid of stuff I don't need anymore.  I keep thinking of Blueberry, and knowing she's put some things into piles - that is impressive - I need to take a leaf out of her book, and try to do a similar thing. 

I didn't get much of that done at all! Recently I looked at a bookshelf while waiting for something to upload and within those few minutes, I decided on about 10 books I could get rid of. But then my mind kind of closed down and I couldn't decide on any others to get rid. Though I should. Which reminds me, I need to go to the library before I have to pay fines on late books...  :doh:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 24, 2018, 05:54:42 PM
I am trying to come up with effective ways to handle emotions other than eating too.
I've thought of two things (although - not yet tried it out): reading a good and enjoyable book just for fun.. Or maybe a cup of tea?  Or a walk in fresh air if possible?  Or a shower/foot bath?
Food is so easy and simple though, and it's hard to resist the temptation once you're already worn out and tired and emotional.

Sounds like a smart thing to pace yourself with self-help. I think you are doing wonderful, you are an inspiration to me to do more of that outside therapy.   :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 24, 2018, 06:34:05 PM
Hi Blueberry - I am still impressed that you started the process though - even the fact you thought of 10 books you could get rid of, you made a start.  I think that's great.  I will try hard to do something tomorrow and see what happens. 

Hi Sceal - Your ideas for effective ways to handle emotions other than eating sound really good.  I like all of them, and will try them out - thank you!   :hug:  I also really appreciate your kind words - and want you to know that you similarly inspire me - there are so many people in this forum who do - I am so grateful to have been able to come here and find a safe and welcoming place.  It's like a Sanctuary - where people really understand, which is a very valuable and great thing.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 26, 2018, 11:49:54 AM
Hey Hope, good luck with those self care ideas.  :cheer:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 26, 2018, 07:37:45 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you!   :)

*****
Journal Entry for 26th April 2018

I am still trying to make some progress on my de-cluttering - it is very very slow, but I am managing to do something, so I guess that is good. 

I have got another of Torey Hayden's books out of the library - it's called 'Silent Boy' and so I am looking forward to reading it.  She has written quite a few books - including these titles "Ghost Girl"; "One Child", "Beautiful Child", "Just Another Kid", "Tiger's Child" and "Silent Boy" - and the one I've already read which was called "Twilight Children".  She specialises in writing about people who are 'electively mute' and I think the book I read was amazing, so I am hopeful that I'll enjoy this next one that I've managed to find.  I am hoping to read some of it tomorrow.

I haven't been doing my 'circle meditations' recently, so I think I'm neglecting my wounded parts, and they've stopped showing me flashbacks of memories as a result - but maybe that was a good thing, as I was getting overwhelmed and overly anxious.  I am calmer now, but maybe more 'cut-off' - although I'm not sure about that, as I noticed today that when I was walking along - I could 'feel' my body moving more - which is something I wasn't used to feeling. 

Just writing about this reminds me that I had begun to watch some U-tube videos about techniques to get in touch with feeling more - right now I can't remember the name of the guy whose video I saw - might be Peter Levine?  He was talking about stimulating the Vagus nerve - especially for people who have had CSA - and I thought it was helpful how he was talking about containing the body and I did the movement he suggested and it helped me.

So maybe I'll do more of that.

I was happy to see that Eyessoblue is back in the forum - and I wonder if Libby is ok.  Not seen any posts from her for a week or so.  Was very glad to see Paperclip was back - I had worried a bit about her.  I also want to write something in Ah's post - because Ah has been such a helpful and wise person - and yet somehow I've not felt able to write anything there - glad I'm doing so now - although Ah may not see this.  I hope to write there at a later time.  It's like I don't know what to say - how to express myself - this varies - sometimes I can do it, sometimes I feel awkward.

I feel like that about the 'Healing Porch' - somehow I can go there and read what people write there, but I haven't felt able to write anything there myself - I don't know why that is.  But it has some enormous emotional 'thing' connected to it - and somehow it feels difficult for me to approach that.  I am wondering what that is about.  I don't know.  But I hope to explore it - and work out the meaning and what it means to me, if I can.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to write anything here today - but now that I've started writing, I realise I am able to write afterall, and I am relieved about that.

I've been thinking more about my sister - and feeling a bit disappointed that we couldn't maintain a relationship - but it was so difficult.  I just couldn't do it in the end.  Neither could she. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Libby183 on April 27, 2018, 06:31:23 AM
Dear Hope,

I was so very touched that you wondered if I was OK.  It means so much.  I come to OOTS every day, to see how everyone is, and I always check in on your journal.  I have started several replies, to you,  and to others,  but I just didn't seem to have any words! But your concern has really helped me, and inspired me to look at starting my own recovery journal, something I want to do, but haven't found the strength to do yet. 

This journey through cptsd really "hurts", doesn't it?! Reading your journal inspires me and makes me feel less alone.

It's interesting that you mentioned the healing porch. I know about it and have had a brief visit,  but, like you, I can't go there. Through my EMDR sessions,  I have come to realise more and more, how very out of touch I am with my emotions.  I suppose they are there,  but I see no signs of them. Other than some anger. I think that my therapist is a bit exasperated with me. She says I need to turn off my thinking brain,  but then, there doesn't seem to be anything there at all. So, yes, I think that the healing porch is difficult because of some sort of emotional block.

I was also struck by your mention of your sister.  I'm remember that things didn't work out with her, and I'm sad about that. Thinking about childhood memories for therapy has made me realise how few specific ones I have.  And, despite my sister only being a year younger than me, and we grew up together, she simply does not really feature in my memories. I keep asking myself where she was.  I just don't know. Then I doubt myself.  It does seem to explain, however,  how we gave up on any relationship six years ago when she "sided" with our parents, and we seem to have never looked back. It seems that these parents don't allow for good relationships between siblings and it's not our fault.

It's lovely to talk here again.  It's what I needed. Thank you so much. 

Have to rush out to the train station now!

Take very, very good care.

Libby.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 27, 2018, 08:12:35 AM
Dear Libby - I really appreciate all that you wrote here - I'm relieved to hear you're ok, and I am really glad that you're considering starting your own recovery journal - I hope it will help you, and I certainly have appreciated doing this one - it helps me so much - sometimes I come here and think I can't write anything, and yet, I find I can - and often write much more than I thought that I could.

Yes, I think the Journey through CPTSD does 'hurt' - it's a physical and emotional thing - and I agree with you that connecting with each other, it helps to know we're not alone in this, but have some shared experiences. 

I found what you wrote about the Healing Porch really helpful - because your thoughts about it resonate with me - you think that it's relating to an emotional block - I think that sounds like a very plausible reason - I know that I am disconnected from many of my emotions - and that I tend to 'intellectualise' rather than 'feel' - and I really want to learn to connect to my raw emotions and 'feel' them - whatever they may be.

I was also interested by what you said about your sister - and how you have such minimal memories, even though you were so close in age, and brought up together.  I was only living with my sister from the age of 18 months to 3 years of age, and then again briefly for just 6 months when I was 5 years old, and my memories are extremely limited.  Like you, I used to ask myself where she was, and sometimes, was she even there?  Did she even exist?  I would doubt myself too.  When I re-connected with her, just a couple of years ago, she told me that we weren't allowed to have a relationship, and she said it wasn't our fault - much as you said too - how unfair not to be allowed a relationship with a sibling.  At least as adults, we can choose whether we wish to have a relationship with someone - but if the foundations aren't there, it's tough to build anything, or rescue something.  That's what I think.  I did try again to re-connect with my sister, but it broke down again.    There was an event recently that I thought she might contact me about, but she didn't.  So I feel that the door is closed once more.  I could open it, but I feel like it wouldn't do either of us any good.  So I am going to try to move forward and live life independently of FOO. 

Anyway Libby - thank you again for all that you said, and I hope you have a positive day - and that your next EMDR session goes well - I also keep a look out for your replies and posts - and you have inspired me with all that you have done and said.

****
Journal entry for 27th April 2018

I have period pains today - so I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I've taken some pain killers for them, and hope to be pain free very soon.  I really want to try to get somewhere today with de-cluttering - so I'm going to try my best to make some progress with it.  Then later, I'll hope to read some of the book 'The Silent Boy' this afternoon - but only if I make some in-roads on the de-cluttering.  I also need to do some cleaning and tidying - so housework is my focus.

I've got a social event I have agreed to attend on the weekend.  So that is already causing me a bit of anxiety - but I will do my best to cope. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 27, 2018, 08:23:35 AM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 27, 2018, 05:48:32 PM
 :hug: to you Blueberry - thank you so much for those hugs, I appreciated them!   :)

Journal entry on 27th April 2018 - I felt so bad with period pains earlier, and despite taking some painkillers the pain was still with me for half the morning, so I ended up in bed!  I slept for a good part of the morning, and I'd been a bit tearful - feeling sorry for myself - just before falling asleep - but when I woke - closer to lunchtime, I felt a lot better.  So I am relieved about that.  However, I've not managed to do any de-cluttering or any housework either - I'm leaving it till tomorrow now.  Tomorrow is another day - and I really hope I'll feel up to it then.

I did read some of the book by Torey Hayden called 'Silent Boy' - I'm not enjoying it as much as the one called 'Twilight Children' - as the latter kept me engrossed from beginning to end, and I think I read it in a couple of days - but this one doesn't seem quite as interesting, but I am still finding it interesting how I get flashbacks to memories of mine - at certain points in the book - so I think it's a worthwhile exercise to continue.

I have eaten too much today - I need to be careful - I also think I'd like to lose some weight, I think I need to lose a couple of stone of weight really - I am overweight.  I will try to eat better - starting tomorrow.  I'll see how it goes. 

I feel under pressure this weekend as I know there will be visitors coming to my home, and hence I need to do the cleaning and tidying - and also make sure there's no sign of my various self-help books - if people see the titles of those, then they'll learn things about me that I don't want them to know!  The pressure to be a certain way - hiding my past from people who don't know me that well - I don't think they'd understand. 

I feel a bit like saying 'Go away' and hoping they won't come round to visit afterall - these people - but I need to be social for my partner's sake, so I will...  Reluctantly though!  But maybe it won't be as bad as I anticipate...  But I guess it's the unknown questions - and not knowing what they might say/ask, and having to keep my self together infront of them.  It's tiring, and I'm not feeling my best.  Oh well.  I will hopefully cope ok.

I feel like I'm moaning now. 

I am glad I'm not in pain anymore just now.  That's good.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Libby183 on April 28, 2018, 06:45:08 AM
Fingers crossed that you are starting to feel a bit better,  Hope. I remember just how awful period pain was. I think I was lucky to go through an early menopause. I have often wondered if bad period pain is linked to cptsd.  I don't think a definite physical process has been discovered to explain why some women suffer and others don't.  But it certainly runs in families.  My nm suffered, I did and now my daughter suffers even more so. I am sure this passing on trauma through the generations plays a role.

Good luck for your social event this weekend.  I really admire the way you cope with social activities for the sake of your partner. Hoping all goes well.

Take care.

Libby
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 01, 2018, 09:25:30 AM
Dear Libby - thank you so much for your kind words, and I am relieved that my period is over now, and I am feeling much better.  I managed to cope with the social thing on the weekend, but it took quite a lot out of me.   :hug: to you Libby - I am glad you're writing in your Journal.

They were talking about menopause on the news this morning, and that a study has shown that diet impacts - I feel sure that CPTSD would too - in terms of painful periods - I have always suffered from them.  I feel sure you're right about passing on trauma through the generations and that playing a role.

*******
Journal Entry for 1st May 2018
I feel a bit overwhelmed - only from the point of view of not knowing quite what direction I need to go in today.  I have lots of things I 'need to do' - but I want to focus on something that will be helpful and beneficial.  I had a 'gratitude diary' - and had been writing 3 good things in a day in it, but I've mislayed it - not sure where it is.  Not sure where to look to find it.  Feeling disappointed in myself that I can't even 'keep a good system' going - can't find things... I guess my inner critic is annoyed with me.

I'm also wondering whether my buying another book - which is called "Not Trauma Alone: Therapy for Child Abuse Survivors in Family and Social Context' by Steven N. Gold is because I am avoiding doing the work that I was doing with Janina Fisher's book 'Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors' - because I am aware that I was reaching some wounded parts and they were communicating with me, and it was very powerful, and maybe I was a bit afraid of that in some ways, and was pushing back into a wish to intellectualise, rather  than 'feel' and 'communicate'. 

I have decided that I can hopefully strike a balance here, and be able to re-read Janina's book, whilst also making a start on Steven Gold's book - and I am also reading Torey Hayden's book 'The Silent Boy' as well.

There's part of me that says 'How lazy you are - how decadent that you can spend time reading, and really you should be working - doing something 'productive' - and I'm battling with that - I get the same thoughts when I turn to my 'dot-to-dot' books - which are a way to help me to relax and de-stress - my self-care for my inner children - they enjoy doing that.  I really feel it engages a different part of my brain when I do that, and it feels good - like a 'quiet' - like I'm pouring some cooling healing gel on a frazzled ruminating brain - if that makes sense.

I was reading in the forum earlier, and I think it was Woodsgnome who had replied to someone and spoken of us being stuck in some weeds - with CPTSD - and I thought to myself, yes, that really seems to be a good description, but I have hope that this forum is one where as we traverse those weeds, we can come across like-minded folk who represent some beautiful flowers - and they have plenty of helpful things to say on this journey with CPTSD.  The petals are open and there is goodness there.  So I am glad to be traversing these weeds in such good company as the people here in this forum.  It's a safe haven - and we can negotiate the weeds together.

I'm doubting my memory now, and wondering if it was Woodsgnome who said it or not.  I wish I could check that out.  Anyway... I'll leave it there...

It's funny - I was feeling a bit over-whelmed when I started writing here today - but as I write, I'm beginning to feel more 'hopeful' that I am going in a positive direction with all this stuff.  I feel supported - this forum is supportive, and the guidance for the self-help books, it's like being with a therapist that is competent, reading the words of the authors of those books - and having resources on the U-tube as well - there is so much out there these days in comparison to decades ago - so that's good.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on May 01, 2018, 10:37:00 AM
Hi Hope,
I'm always impressed at all the books you're reading about trauma and healing from it. I remember a post about slowing down and taking a break from pushing yourself too hard where it came to the work on fragmented self. Perhaps you're not quite ready yet to continue, and getting this other book will help you get back to a point where you are ready to continue?

Someone reminded me today, on this forum, that slowing down is important.
:hug:
You're doing good work, Hope!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 01, 2018, 04:22:55 PM
hey, hope,

maybe you backed off that one book because what you were heading toward was too much at the time.  there will come a time when you can go back to it, when you feel more able to tackle the 'material' that comes up.  or, maybe it's something that needs to be done with a t.  i don't know, but i don't think you're lazy.  these books seems to be helping you, even if bit by bit, and that's worthwhile, constructive, and productive.

i think too many times we think taking care of ourselves somehow doesn't count as constructive 'work'.  dang, it's some of the hardest, most worthwhile work i've ever done!

love and hugs, hope.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 02, 2018, 05:28:02 PM
Hi Sceal - thank you - I think you're right, and I am slowing down a bit - to enable myself the time I need to progress forwards.  I have been thinking that I have been overdoing things sometimes, but at the same time, I am glad that I have felt able to do all this reading, and processing - because I know it means I'm 'able' to face things that I used to avoid and 'not see'.

Hi SanMagic - thank you for your reply - and you have also validated me, and especially thank you for saying you don't think I'm lazy - I recognise that was my inner critic that was coming out - and I know I'm not a lazy person - just that I have been described as being so - in the past, even though I don't think my behaviour merited that description at all.  I have always been hard-working, diligent and try to do my best with all things.  I suspect it's my perfectionism that makes things very tough - because essentially it makes me feel flawed or as if I'm struggling, and of course, it's probably because I can't obtain whatever I am aiming to do.

Actually as I write that, I am thinking - does that really make any sense?  I'm not sure it does, and yet that is what I ended up writing.  I don't really know what I think about things - maybe I could list what I do like, what I don't like, and even then - I would struggle to do that.  Because I think I've been 'told' what I like and what I don't like by my FOO, and they never really knew me.  Never related to me as a person with my own individual rights and feelings and thoughts.

***
Journal Entry for 2nd May 2018
I think I'm feeling 'triggered' today - not really sure what the trigger was - but I feel a sense of 'frustration' and a 'restless' feeling.  It's like I'm angry about something, but can't put my finger on exactly 'what' it is.  The fact I can't pinpoint it, it's making me feel frustrated.

Even writing today isn't really helping me.  I need to do something else I think.  Maybe I'll go outside for a walk in the fresh air.  Maybe that will help.  I hope so.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 02, 2018, 10:55:10 PM
it made perfect sense to me, hope.  if you're supposed to be perfect, then not doing things perfectly would certainly leaving you feel like you failed.  i grew up striving to be perfect to the point where i believed i was.  i even eliminated any trace of an ICr, because that would tell me i was imperfect, and imperfection was not allowed.

i think a list is a good thing sometimes, getting stuff down in black and white can help make it more real for you.  an idea i just thought of - it's said that writing with your non-dominant hand accesses a part of your brain from before adult logic.  i believe that all of us had likes and dislikes of our own before the adults got to us.  maybe that would help you.  don't know.  maybe.

love and hugs, hope.  i think you're making progress, even if you're in the 'one step back' place right now.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 03, 2018, 08:41:20 AM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you said, as it makes perfect sense to me - and I relate very much to what you said about 'striving to be perfect' - I was particularly interested in what you said about eliminating any trace of your inner critic, because imperfection was not allowed in your FOO - I do relate to that.  I have been what could be described as a 'high achiever' - I have achieved a lot in my professional career, and coped with many things - and I am sure that other people would regard me as 'coping' and 'doing well' and would be extremely surprised to know how I've felt 'inside' - I was able to hold down a very demanding career for a few decades, but in the end my C-PTSD caught up with me, and I wasn't able to keep it together.  So that whole transition has been such a learning curve for me - and that's when my inner critic has 'come out' to 'shame me' for no longer 'achieving' and 'furthering my career'. 

But you know, I feel better for stepping back, and finally looking at my issues and my goals in life - I know that I can achieve things, but really - I don't need to keep trying to prove myself - what I do need to do is to find out how to quieten the inner critic that has come out - and also finally look at the wounded parts of myself which have helped me to cope with things and got me through my life - but whom I feel I have neglected, through not being able to 'see them' - I am beginning to communicate with them now, and it feels positive.  Although over-whelming too.

I have tried to write with the non-dominant hand previously, and I think it was quite interesting, and I will try it again.  Thanks for the reminder of that - and  :hug: to you SanMagic.  You are a kind and lovely person, and your heart is huge.

****
Journal Entry for 3rd May 2018
I feel a bit better today - not sure why.  I felt frustrated and some anger was surfacing yesterday, but I had no idea why.  But when I think of it today, I can relate that it was most likely due to a couple of things that are on my mind, relating to this coming weekend, and that I have been getting anxious about them.  However, I am going to try to handle them, and get through them, and in the meantime, I'm going to try to keep grounded and cope.

I'll see how it goes.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 03, 2018, 07:28:35 PM
good luck for the weekend, hope.  i hope it goes smoothly and well.  thinking of you.   love and hugs.  and thanks for the kind words.  touched my heart.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 04, 2018, 05:56:31 AM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you!  I appreciate your wishes, and I am up very early today - as my stressful things are mainly today and tomorrow!  But I am doing my best to face them 'head on' - and I am hoping to get through everything - I can remind myself that whatever happens, 'this too will pass' - I find that saying very helpful.  I felt worse yesterday, in terms of anxiety etc, and right now - I feel ok, so that's a good start...

****
Journal Entry for 4th May 2018

I feel like I've got too much to do today - preparing for some stressful things I need to do today - but I am also hopeful that I'll cope.  I'll see how it goes.  Today and tomorrow will be the worst times, and hopefully things will be calmer by Sunday...    I don't want to write about the contents of the issues I'm facing - because in many ways, I think I will feel very small and trigger myself if I do - so that's why I'm glossing over the actual nature of the things.  They just 'feel' anxiety-provoking. 

What I do think though, is that if I get through this next couple of days - which I know I will - then I will be likely to have progressed quite a bit - I just think that will be the case.  I hope so.

Anyway, I'll get on with stuff now.  Need to focus...

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 04, 2018, 09:53:00 PM
Still 4th May 2018
This day has felt such a LONG one - but I am managing to cope - and it's surprised me that I've had more strength than I anticipated.  So I feel good about that.  I still have tomorrow to negotiate, but if it's like today, then I will get through it - and hopefully ok...  I am reluctant to write that, incase I jinx myself, but I've written it now.

I've been pacing myself, and I've been able to do some things that I had thought I would have had more difficulty doing.  I know I'm not mentioning what they are - but I'm keen not to trigger myself by writing the content.  So I feel like I'm writing in riddles a bit today.

But I really think that if tomorrow goes ok too - then I will feel like I've progressed a lot - and maybe it's a bit of a turning point, and then I can feel more confident again.

I also feel as if I'd like to start exploring my FOO issues a bit more again - as I'd avoided broaching some of those issues - letting them lie for a while - but essentially I know that I need to think a bit more about my feelings and my thoughts about some things that happened in my childhood and in my adult life too - and I'm going to hopefully process them, and then move on from them.  That's the plan, anyway...

I'd also like to lose some weight, so I'm hoping to try to do that.  Might start a diet of some sort.  Not sure what to do yet, but will try to cut down on my bad habits.  That will hopefully help. 

I am very tired - so will hope to sleep earlier tonight.   

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 04, 2018, 11:18:57 PM
you know, hope, i'm very glad for you that you were able to decide what was ok for you to write and what wasn't.  well done!  hope you got some sleep, some rest, and some peace that you're doing what you need to do.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 05, 2018, 12:30:21 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much.  You always validate me, and your replies mean a lot - thank you.

***
Journal entry for 5th May 2018
My 2 anticipated stressful days - yesterday and today - I've coped better than I thought I would - and 'time did pass' and it's just past midday now, and I feel a sense of relief!  That feels good!!! 

That's all I want to say just now, because it feels good to be able to write that.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 05, 2018, 04:17:40 PM
Oh no!  I've ended up bingeing this afternoon - eaten LOTS - far too much.  I thought I was doing ok, and feeling reasonably 'in control' and then it hit me that I was literally craving 'bad things to eat' - and I had those things available, and so I ate some, and then I ended up eating a lot more.  To think I was considering trying to lose some weight as well...  Not likely to be a good start to that really.

Then a friend has just phoned me up, and I admitted to her that I've over-eaten, and she offered for me to come round to see her tomorrow, if I want to - and I realise her kindness in making that offer to me, it's that she's a bit worried about me.  My partner is away at the moment, and I'm alone - which is unusual for me.  He is usually not far away, but right now he's a long way away.  He will phone me later as well - and I'm thinking that I won't tell him that I was struggling a bit.

I've been listening to music from the '80's over the weekend as well - which has made me feel some nostalgia kind of feelings for my younger days.  I had even been dancing around a bit - by myself, and had been feeling happier for a few moments, but it's also hit me about the estrangement from my FOO - and how sad it is that things worked out how they did - although I can't tolerate contact with them, I still grieve for the missed relationships. 

Maybe this is a good thing that I'm in touch with more of those emotions of grief - because it means I'm feeling more - but at the same time, I recognise my binge on food was a way of trying to block things out - and then of course I just feel bloated and uncomfortable - I used to do this a lot in my younger days - I'd stopped doing it in recent years - I don't want to get back into that habit again.

I also think that doing the fragmented wounded parts work - it's the way forward, but it's also a challenging route to take - because I do recognise some parts of myself that I had 'disowned' and sent into some kind of exile, outside of my consciousness, and they are coming into view now - and showing me snapshots of things and feelings that I recognise only too strongly - so they are not a surprise to me, but at the same time, I am shocked at how much I've been able to compartmentalise over the years.

As I write this, I am glad I'm able to get it out - write something down - I feel better for writing something here.  I feel better for knowing that someone will read it too - it feels comforting somehow knowing I'm not alone with this - I know that other people relate to these things - I wish we didn't have to - but it's comforting to know that.

My friend wants me to see her tomorrow if I need to - so I have that option, but I feel like I don't want to go round, as it would look like I wasn't coping.  I 'want to cope' - and I want to do it by myself really - but it's not weak to reach out to a friend, especially if she offers support in that way.  It means a lot to know she took the bother to phone me today, and check how I was.

It makes me feel very tearful thinking that someone has 'held me in mind' and is concerned about me, because I didn't feel 'kept in mind' or 'cared about' by my FOO - they had other stuff they were focusing on, and I was ok as long as I was quiet - and didn't get in the way.  That's how I feel.  Whenever someone acknowledges me and my feelings, I am amazed by that experience - it is as if I can't believe that they're actually thinking about me. 

It humbles me.

I wasn't going to eat a meal tonight, now that I've been bingeing, but my friend advised me to 'eat something later' - so I will do so.  But probably much later than normal. 

My head hurts right now - at the front of my temples - towards the left-hand-side.  I'm going to lie down for a while.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Whobuddy on May 05, 2018, 10:50:42 PM
Your journal entry today brought a lot of thoughts to my mind. First I want to say that it is good that you know you will feel better knowing that we will read your words and relate to what you write. I do.  :hug:

I guess I feel responsible for your uncomfortable feelings in that I recommended the book about fragmented parts. Please take time to accept and send compassion to all your parts. Even the ones who want to eat too much. Maybe if you read some of the book where Fisher writes about befriending them. Be kind to yourself.

What really struck me was your thoughts about going to see your friend or not. I have friends now. This is new to me. It is hard for me to remember that they like me and want to spend time with me. I thought for quite a while that I was simply their 'project' because they like to help people. In my past, I had never learned how healthy friendships develop and grow. So I can relate to your questions. My guess is that your friend will really enjoy spending some time with you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 06, 2018, 08:14:51 AM
Hi WhoBuddy,
Thank you for writing what you wrote, it's really helped me - especially when you said about accepting and sending compassion to all my parts, including the ones who want to eat too much.  This has helped such a lot - because I can see that my over-eating relates back to a coping mechanism I did years back, and maybe I sent that 'part' into exile - and now that I'm opening my mind and heart to my wounded parts, the ones who overeat are also coming out - and expressing their needs - and my first reaction was disgust - because I don't want to be over-weight anymore, I'd like to be slimmer.  I don't want to slide back into old habits of bingeing.

But thinking about this more, and hearing what you said in your reply - it's helped a lot. 

Similarly what you said about friends - because my history has been one where my FOO ensured that my friendships were constantly disrupted and broken off, by so many geographical moves etc, and not allowing me to keep friendships, and I guess in the end, I continue the pattern of disruption, and whilst I do try to persevere with friendships these days, I also ensure that there is some 'distance' to protect myself, and so when a friend tries to get closer to me, I am not so keen to meet them on that. 

But - I think things can change, and I do value the friendships I have - so I am going to think quite a bit about these things, and hope to manage some healthier balance.

So thank you WhoBuddy - you have really helped me.  Also, I am incredibly grateful for the fact you introduced me to Janina's book on the Fragmented Parts - because it's the best book I've read - it is the key for me - I just recognise it's not easy to do this work - but I am going to persevere and keep working on it.  It's a journey of personal discovery that I feel will help me to enjoy the remainder of my life - and that's worth doing.  So thank you again.  I hope you're doing ok.

****
Journal entry for 6th May 2018
I have been very much touched by WhoBuddy's reply - which made such a lot of sense to me, and has given me food for thought that doesn't involve over-eating, but I am at the same time going to try to connect with the parts of me that like to over-eat, and see if we can negotiate a different way of coping - as I really don't want to end up very over-weight.  I'd like to lose some weight. 

I ended up watching a film last night, and it was quite emotional, and I ended up crying quite a bit - but that felt good to do that, and I think that was what I needed, so that was good.  I do feel a bit better today - and actually a bit more hopeful - which I'm relieved about, because I didn't feel good at all at certain points yesterday - I was quite bleak and depressive in my thought patterns.

My partner will be back tomorrow, so I only have one more day to cope alone - maybe many people cope ok with being alone, but for me, it is challenging.  I think I do rely on him for quite a few things, and feel safer when he is around, and less safe when he is away.

I haven't decided yet whether to see my friend today or not.  The thing is that I only saw her a couple of days ago, and if I go and see her again today, I will feel as if I'm being a bit 'pathetic' - and I won't want to face that feeling.  Not sure if that makes sense, but it's the closest thing to understanding what my thoughts are about it.  But I appreciate the fact that she has offered me the option to pop round, if I want to.  She spoke out of genuine caring, and that was touching to my heart - I am lucky to have someone who cares about me as a friend.

So, here's to the day ahead, and I am hoping it will be ok. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 06, 2018, 10:41:44 AM
Sometimes films can be healing in a way for me too. I empathize with certain characters and see myself in them. I feel compassion for them, and so I can feel compassion for myself too. I've heard of the idea that you have to put yourself in other's shoes to empathize with them, but I think I have to understand other's feelings to empathize with mine. Weird.

I'm glad you found a friend that cared for you. Sometimes it doesn't matter if they're smart enough to figure out a solution. Sometimes just being there with us makes it more of a breeze, huh?

:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 06, 2018, 03:45:07 PM
Hi D.R. - yes - I agree that films can be healing, and I'm glad to hear they serve that purpose for you too, and thanks for what you said about my friend.  Thank you also for the hug, and sending one back to you too  :hug:

***
Writing again on 6th May 2018 - ****[potential Triggers - as mentioning CSA]***

I don't know why I hadn't connected the fact that the nature of my reading this past couple of days is the most likely reason for evoking the parts of me that wanted to over-eat and 'stuff the thoughts and feelings away in a numb and dissociated state of over-eating' - but I'm able to think more clearly at this moment - and the fact is that I read half of a book entitled "Not Trauma Alone: Therapy for Child Abuse Survivors in Family and Social Context" by Steven N. Gold, and then, I have read quite a few chapters of a book called "Life With My Idiot Family: A True Story of Survival, Courage and Justice over Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Kathy & Gary Picard.   Thanks to Whobuddy for recommending the first book, and to Dee for recommending the second - they are both really good books.

I relate to both those books and the content - and it's resonated big time with me - and I think that's why I ended up over-eating so much. 

But I've not been quite so bad regarding food today - I've made sensible choices so far today - and I am glad about that - I really think that crying last night after watching the film I watched was cathartic and helped me get some grief and angst out - and now that I consider what WhoBuddy said about communicating with the parts who want to overeat - I feel less 'out of control' than I did before.  It makes sense. 

My partner is due back tomorrow - I can't wait to see him again - but at the same time, I feel that I've coped better than I anticipated that I would - I am phobic of 'Goodbyes' - they trigger me massively - and I know that's because many of my 'Goodbyes' as a child were literally that - I wouldn't see the people ever again - I wasn't allowed to keep contact, and it was like I was trapped in my life and my circumstances.

I realise I'm an adult now - I can choose who my friends are, I can choose how long the friendships last, and I am better able to tolerate some aspects of friendships - although I still fear getting too close - and I fear betrayal and abandonment.

Right at this moment, as I am writing this, I am feeling more optimism, and I like that feeling. 

I'm also looking forward to Blueberry getting back - I've missed her.  I also hope that everyone else is ok - I've been preoccupied with myself this past few days, but I still keep others in my mind, and wonder how they are.  I am stopping myself from listing them now...  There's part of me who wants to do that... But I feel it's an obsessive trait, and I'll leave it alone...

I will try to prepare a meal that will be sufficient and which will be better than what I ate yesterday and the day before. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Libby183 on May 07, 2018, 08:16:08 AM
Hi Hope.

It sounds as if you have done brilliantly well with coping with your partner being away. I am sure it will be great to have him back, however.

It seems that you are starting to get to grips with the huge issue of food and attachment and communicating with the part of you that needs to over eat.  That seems to make a lot of sense. It's sort of the same but opposite for me. I am trying to accept that I can actually enjoy food. I am doing better but the guilt and shame still niggles away.  I am somewhat overweight as well, but for now, I think I will put that aside. I really think that, as these issues are about so much more than actual weight,  they need to be looked at first.  Does make sense to you?

All the best,  and hugs to you,  Hope.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on May 07, 2018, 10:03:09 AM
Just wanted to drop by and say that you've handled this challenge really well!
Good job :)
:hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 07, 2018, 04:07:07 PM
i think you did great, hope, on so many different levels.  you go, girl!

someone once talked to me about the whole 'accepting help from a friend' dynamic, which i've never forgotten.  it was the idea that we feel good when we help others, and allowing others to help us is us giving them the chance to feel good in that way as well.   it made sense to me, and has helped me not go so much into that 'i have to cope with this on my own or it's a sign of weakness'. 

that's what i had to do as a kid, cope on my own, so i basically grew up with that notion that it was the only way to show strength, even tho i never thought of others who'd ask me for help as weak.  never.  but i wasn't able to exchange places with them. 

i think being on this forum, asking for help, reaching out has helped me with that, with being vulnerable, which is not the same as being weak.  it gave me practice, and i'm better able to do that in the real world now, and am better able to tell who i can trust that vulnerability with.

it sounds like you have a good friend there.  i hope you can take advantage of it eventually without feeling bad  in some way.  we all need to use (not abuse) each other occasionally.  i think it's part of what we're here for.

love and hugs to you, hope.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 08, 2018, 08:49:29 AM
Hi Libby, Sceal & SanMagic,
It is lovely to read all your replies here, thank you for each of them - I appreciate it very much.  It was a challenging weekend for me, and I'm glad it's over now, and I'm happy that my partner is back safe and sound.  It's a relief!

****
Journal Entry on 8th May 2018

Feeling relief to have my partner back, and also glad that I managed to cope reasonably ok over the weekend.  Not sure how I'm feeling today apart from that. 

Hope :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 08, 2018, 07:15:37 PM
This week is proving to be unexpected in quite a few ways already - I can't believe the things that have come up today as things I've had to deal with unexpectedly!  Somehow I've coped - and somehow as I try to process my feelings about it - I find that I'm not actually feeling very much - maybe a sense of being 'calm' - which I guess is good.

I just hope it means I'm engaged with things, rather than dissociated from them.  I was talking to my partner today about how I am generally quite 'controlled' - but there are occasional times when I have literally 'gone off the rails' - and really surprised him.  I try not to let that happen, because I am never sure what I might do in that situation.  He hasn't minded the two times we can remember me doing that - because he said it was fun.  He liked the fact I was acting in a way he found to be quite exciting at the time - but he did also say that he wouldn't feel he could trust what might happen if I lost that control again - it's like the fact he knows more about me - as we've grown closer and I've confided in him about my issues, and now he is a bit scared that I might cross over into some kind of psychotic state - he hasn't said that, but I wonder if that's what he thinks...  I guess I should check that out - I don't think I would allow myself to do that, but of course - maybe I wouldn't be able to stop it.

But I do think that there is a protector part of me that looks out for me, and many other parts that are also protective too. 

I'm still trying to find a way to list my wounded and fragmented parts in a way that will make sense to me.  I try some 'mind-map' kind of diagrams, where I put myself in the centre and then put labels around it with descriptions of different aspects and of different emotions/thoughts/feelings - even memories of things that have happened.

I keep changing them around and adapting them.  I'm not happy with them yet, but it is developing and I am gaining more perspective/s

I am approaching p.30 of this Journal, and when I reach that, I will start a new one - and I want to consider what to call it.  I also want to think about an introduction to it, in terms of what I should write in it.  I hope I'm not making it too onerous a task, or too complicated that I'll not know how to start it.

Essentially it doesn't really matter what it's called - but I'd like to give it a name with some 'meaning' - so I may have a good think about it, before starting it.  I'll see how I feel.

I'm going to try to be 'in the moment' whilst watching a TV programme later, because I am not very good at 'being present' during most of those.  But I'm going to really try and see how I get on.

I have to stop writing now as I have to do some things.   

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 08, 2018, 09:08:19 PM
Wow, Hope, there seems to be so much going on in your healing right now!  :cheer: All that work you're doing on your own too. When you're not reading, you're doing mind map type work on your wounded and fragmented parts! I guess that type of thing might be a work-in-progress for a while.

I've gone off the rails a few times. People usually see me as very controlled too. Sometimes even 'too controlled' but I think that is times when I'm desperately trying to hold everything together. Going off the rails isn't fun for me, putting it mildly. When I once went off into something that looked like a psychotic state (it was a really bad re-traumatisation), there were warning signs in advance. I managed to get myself appropriate help before I lost track of time and place. Idk if everybody gets warning signs but can only hope so. A therapist told me that a really bad re-traumatisation can look like psychosis but isn't quite, so maybe that's why I got warning signs?

:applause: :applause: for doing so well on the weekend while your partner was away. I skim-read a bit, enough to know you were having a tough time.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 09, 2018, 08:09:51 AM
Hi Blueberry,
Yes, I feel sure that the work on the Wounded and Fragmented Parts will be a work in progress for some significant time to come - it's been years that some of them have been neglected - and I realise there are quite a few of them.  But it's feeling like a positive experience - in the main - and I'm going to continue with it.  I see it as a key to progressing with everything.

I am so glad that you were able to get appropriate help during the time when you experienced those warning signs after the bad re-traumatisation - and I would also hope that warning signs would be around for most people, but like you, I don't know.  But I hope so too.

Thank you so much for your reply here, and yes, I did have a tough time over the weekend, but I'm glad to have got through it ok. 

****
Journal Entry on 9th May 2018
I tried to be more in the moment/concentrating last night when watching a TV programme, and it was part of a series, and what I realised was that some of the characters I came across in it, were ones that I hadn't realised had been in the previous parts - so that meant I'd managed to miss their contributions when watching the previous parts of the series completely!  My partner was telling me "Yes, that's the character that has been in it since the start" kind of thing, and I was thinking - "I've never seen them before!" - so that was an eye-opener in terms of realising I couldn't have been present for the other episodes...  Never mind, I can hopefully improve on this, if I really focus.  I'm going to try.

Unexpected things were happening yesterday - and I coped ok with them - so I'm pleased about that.  Infact I felt a bit more 'alive' during parts of yesterday - more in touch with feelings and thoughts - at certain points.  Today I feel a bit flat, but I'm ok.  There are many many things I want to do today - but at the same time, I'm not sure where to start!  I need a system to help myself get organised and more importantly to 'do something' rather than procrastinate. 

I'll see how it goes.  I'm going to try to organise a list and start something now. 

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 10, 2018, 11:09:14 AM
It's a funny thing that most of us, including me, aren't that aware of how little we're paying attention to things sometimes, huh? Dissociation doesn't help, and it's a little disorienting to not be as aware of daily life.

Hope you can ground yourself a little more, Hope.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 10, 2018, 06:27:23 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you so much - I appreciate your kind words - and I am trying to 'ground myself more' - in different ways.  I think it does help.  Thanks also for the hug, and sending you a gentle hug back  :hug:

****
Journal Entry for 10th May 2018

I think I'm managing to get a better 'routine' together - that feels more positive.  I do lots of chores and essential things, but I also allow time for reading, and also some writing too - and then I am also trying to be more active and force myself to try to do more social things.  That isn't easy - but I am doing it...  Perhaps I am a reluctant socialiser.  I really do find it hard.  But I'm doing it.

As I mentioned before, this week has had some unexpected things turn up, and I was surprised that I actually felt 'more alive' when dealing with those things, but maybe that's because I do respond reasonably well to potentially stressful situations - probably because I've faced many of them in the past.  I think I don't cope so well with the more mundane things - because without adequate structure, it means I can 'ruminate' and 'think a lot' and then my wounded and fragmented parts can contribute quite a bit - but now that I'm trying to get to know them, and hear them and understand them, and be compassionate to them, it's better. 

I've found that reading some people's writings in this forum end up triggering me, even when they haven't specifically written anything with a trigger warning on it, but I think it's just because I really relate to what they say, more than anything else.

I am going to try watching a TV programme and concentrating more on it - as I'm trying to be more in the moment, and trying to prevent myself from dissociating.

I am also hoping to maybe work on a 'letter not to be sent' to a FOO member - as well as considering what to name my new Journal here in this forum, as I think I may be close to the 30 page mark, and I wanted to start a new one when that time came... 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on May 11, 2018, 06:28:22 AM
Hi Hope,

First I want to cheer  :cheer: you on for having dealt with unexpected things this week in a good manner! And also that you're starting to have a routine that is working out for you. Being social is good, but perhaps you need to take it slower to get used to it? There's nothing wrong with that. I too find that social engagements wear me out, even if they are pleasant. (the weariness lasts for much longer if it's not pleasant)

mindfulness is supposedly a good way to stay away from dissociation, I hope your TV shows were enjoyable to stay focused on!  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 11, 2018, 08:56:08 AM
Hi Sceal,
Thank  you so much for cheering me, and I am thankful for your validation -  :hug: to you.  I think your suggestion to pace the socialising is a good one - thank you so much.  It is incredibly tiring - I know that. 

*****
Journal Entry for 11th May 2018

I've worked out a bit of a schedule for myself for today - and I'll see how it goes.  It feels quite good to have done that - it gives me some structure - and I've tried to put some variety into it - so that I can keep all my wounded/fragmented parts engaged - and not forget anyone! 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 11, 2018, 12:41:05 PM
hope, reading your last few entries made me immediately think that you're making so much progress.  realizations, working on being more present, coping well with the unexpected, making a routine for yourself, including variety in your day - just, wow.

good for you, sweetie.  brought a smile to my face.  sending a hug full of love and continuing progress.  i'm so happy for you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 11, 2018, 12:56:10 PM
That's such a wonderful form of self-care to your little ones. I'm glad you can be kind to them.  :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on May 11, 2018, 03:34:16 PM
I agree with San, it's wonderful to read about all your progress!
And I am very grateful to be allowed to stand in the (internet-)background and cheering for you as you continue to work on your healing and discovering new parts, things about yourself.

P.S I'm glad my suggestion is helpful for you!  :hug: back to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 11, 2018, 05:28:24 PM
Hi SanMagic, Decimal Rocket & Sceal - thank you so much.  I appreciate you all -  :hug: :hug: :hug: for each of you. 
Hope :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on June 13, 2018, 11:01:26 PM
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on June 14, 2018, 01:30:17 PM
Thanks so much Andy - I appreciate your hugs   :hug: :hug: to you too.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on July 02, 2018, 12:55:17 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Lots of hugs Hope, for you and your littles too! Cuz littles need love too.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Sceal on July 02, 2018, 11:21:52 AM
Hope you have had a lovely holiday. I've been thinking of you. :) Missed you!
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 03, 2018, 02:28:28 PM
Hi Andyman & Sceal - thank you both so much for your lovely comments here - lovely to read them from you both.   :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 03, 2018, 04:02:19 PM
Hi Hope  :wave: It's nice to see you back!  :hug: I hope you had a good holiday  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 03, 2018, 07:47:07 PM
Thanks so much Blueberry - I've missed you all - it's good to be back.  I did however enjoy my holiday - which was good.   :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on July 06, 2018, 12:21:39 AM
Quote from: Hope67 on July 03, 2018, 02:28:28 PM
Hi Andyman & Sceal - thank you both so much for your lovely comments here - lovely to read them from you both.   :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)
:hug: Hi Hope. I really hope your time away was pleasaant and relaxing.  :bighug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 06, 2018, 11:19:32 AM
Hi Andy,
Yes, it was relaxing, and thanks again.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on July 09, 2018, 02:56:05 AM
Hope,
That's good to hear. I never liked going away with wife...always had to be doing doing doing...and not so much relaxing.  So lot of times I was just as tired when gettng back from vacation, not rested at all. Then going back to work almost seemed a mini-vacation.
But now...since moved out...vacation feels Soooooooo relaxing. Like when was a kid.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 09, 2018, 12:42:55 PM
glad you're back, hope, but also glad you've had a relaxing time.   that's great to hear.   love and hugs to you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 09, 2018, 01:19:33 PM
Hi Andy & SanMagic,
Thank you both for your lovely replies.   :hug: :hug: to you both.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on July 13, 2018, 01:47:30 AM
Hi Hope
:hug: :bighug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 13, 2018, 10:31:32 AM
Thanks Andy, and  :bighug: to you.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on July 16, 2018, 09:25:29 PM
 :bighug:
Hi Hope, just sending some warm hugs and loving kindness your way.
:hug: :bighug: :hug: :bighug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 17, 2018, 03:50:48 PM
Thanks so much, Andy  :hug: :hug: :hug: and a big hug too  :bighug:
Hope :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on July 20, 2018, 11:04:34 PM
Anytime, Hope. Always have hugs to share with you and anyone else.  :hug: :bighug: :hug:
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 21, 2018, 06:59:54 AM
Thanks Andy -  :hug:  Hugs are always great.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on July 24, 2018, 06:42:02 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Don't know if you needed any at this moment, Hope, but here's some extras for you.
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 31, 2018, 09:06:44 AM
Thank you Andy, I appreciate those hugs. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on August 17, 2018, 07:02:28 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighu

Hi Hope!!! I'm way behind, so I hope these hugs help get me caught up.  Miss you lots. I do try to be more present, but somehow it's not working out like I want.  But that's okay....this is a super marathon...and I have all the rest of my life to get there.  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 20, 2018, 02:47:16 PM
Andy - thank you!!!!  So many hugs - thank you sooooo much.   :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on August 25, 2018, 11:39:43 PM
Hi Hope,
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

I hope you been as well as you can be.  Things have gotten much more interesting for me...and not in a good way. Will post in my journal, about it, soon.

Andy
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 26, 2018, 10:28:06 PM
 :bighug: :waveline: :bighug: :waveline: Andy - thank you!   :grouphug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Hope66's Journal
Post by: Andyman73 on September 16, 2018, 05:22:55 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :party: :waveline: :fireworks:

Hi Hope! Sending lots of hugs and love your way!