Last night I had two dreams that I found disturbing, so I will write the words 'Triggers'.... here, as I think they might be triggering - I am fairly new to this forum, so not sure exactly how to phrase that.
Firstly, I am estranged from my FOO - a NPD mother and a sexually abusive father who was an enabler. However it is Christmas and I guess some feelings of guilt at not seeing them for the holidays is surfacing.
I feel anxious, I feel over-whelmed, but I wanted to talk about my dreams.
The first dream I had agreed to go to see my parents and had gone with my partner to a house they had organised for us - not my parents' home, but some kind of rental property - my Mum had put presents on my bed, and wanted me to kiss her on the cheek, but I felt so anxious about seeing her and I couldn't touch her. She expected my partner to sleep in an adjoining room, but we weren't allowed to sleep together - we're both in our early 50's incidentally!
Everything in the house seemed large and like it was unreal - like being in a fun park - really weird. I felt really anxious, and my partner decided he would go and try to find a place for us to stay together so we could escape my parents - but while he had gone to search for somewhere, he left me alone in the house, and then a huge guy with a kind of lawn-mower or 'crusher machine' started to attack me - trying to crush me in a room, and then he was going to rape me. I thankfully woke up before he could attack me - and I remember feeling so relieved that I was safe at home.
Later, I dreamed again - this time me and my partner were in a guest house but I was shocked to find that we had to share the room with about 10 other people - and there was no privacy and no space, and I felt shocked and upset. Scared.
I've had quite a lot to cope with the past few weeks, as I've had to say 'goodbye' to some people who have meant something to me - and that was within another forum I had found to be helpful. I have also recently had communication with a family member that I had only recently made contact with - but subsequently fell out with - and I feel vulnerable and anxious about both those things.
I am due to spend Christmas day with my partner's family, who do accept me, but I feel sad about the fact I am still finding Christmas to be so challenging, even though I have such a supportive and lovely partner - who helps me through and helps me cope.
I really wasn't sure where to post this, and I wasn't sure it makes sense, but it feels good to write it down.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping for, I just wanted to ask what people think about my dreams, and maybe if there are any ways I can reduce them, or help myself to deal with them. I know they get worse when I'm stressed.
I have to go - I'd hoped to write more, but I am finding it hard to put my thoughts together in a constructive way.
I just wanted to say that now that Christmas is over, I haven't had further disturbing dreams - I felt really shocked that I had actually written those dreams down - but at the same time, putting them in this forum, meant that they were away from me, and the process of writing them down helped me to somehow process them, at some level at least.
I hope others are coping at this difficult time of year. It's tough, but thankfully, time passes, and I am glad that I got through it. :-)
I'm glad you did too :hug:
Thank you, Three Roses, your reply means a lot to me. :-)
Hope66- I'm glad you posted as you did! I know full well how dreams can really shake a person to the core. If one more person tells me, "Tell yourself it's JUST a dream," I'm going to scream!
As for not having the dream since you posted, it might be that the stress of the holiday is over, but I suspect it also had much to do with confronting the reality of the dream and its impact on you by writing about it. I'd had the SAME dream (with minor variations) for over a decade. I'd spoken to several people about them. I finally confronted the dream in a series of journal entries, and it's been almost a month since the last nightmare!
I hope your relief from the nightmare is permanent. I encourage you to, if they return, continue to take them seriously and process them in whatever way you see fit. I read that the human brain does not differentiate between a dream experience and a real experience. The more vivid the dream, the more real impact it has on our mind and body.
For me, minimizing the significance of nightmares is just as dangerous as exaggerating them.
Sweet dreams!
I had 3 months of non stop nightmares so consequently didn't sleep for 3 months. My therapist got me to write my dreams/nightmares down and we used to discuss them. The therapy of writing/journaling is very beneficial to me as it kind of helps me process them and work them out. I use writing/journaling a lot and do find it really helps me to make sense of things, hope it works for you too.
Thank you both so much for your comments, Bring em all in, and Eyessoblue - it was great to see what you'd both written, and the fact you've both suggested writing about dreams and confronting the reality of them, analysing them and I feel sure that will be a helpful thing to do. I think it did help very much to 'leave it here' in this forum - and whilst I was initially a bit shocked to have taken the step to put it 'out there' - I am glad I did.
Bring em all in - I also had a recurring dream for much of my childhood, which I viewed as a nightmare - always the same content, and I am thankful it's not followed me into adulthood, but I can't help wondering what it symbolised for me as a child. It was a massive collection of winged moths - that seemed to block the way to an out-building that was at the back of the garden in our family home. I know my sister had spoken of a chicken having its head cut off and running around for a while before it died - our father did that - but I wasn't aware that I'd actually seen that, it was purely something that my sister had found disturbing. I was much younger than my sister, so maybe I was very scared by that - and the moths represent hiding the fear and upset away. But I don't know. This is purely what I'm thinking now - I have no idea what it actually meant.
Eyessoblue, it's great that you've found that writing/journalling have helped you make sense of things and that your non stop nightmares have abated. That must be so great.
I am glad that I've not had any bad dreams for a few days. I feel so much better for having better quality sleep.
Thank you again for your replies, they are very helpful to me. :-)
Glad you found our posts helpful.
What's surprising to me is that my dream meaning was very obvious- I was terrified of being evaluated on my job and often felt "lost" to the point of dreaming that I could not find my classroom or even my school at times. These dreams continued even after I was forced into disability retirement- you'd think I'd be relieved to be free of the stresses of teaching but my teacher-dreams continued unabated for months until I journaled.
I did have one teacher dream the past week, but that's better than every freakin' night, week after week, month after month!
I had a different nightmare last night (totally non-school related) and woke my wife with my screaming. I hope it's just a one-off and not the beginning of a new nightmare script.
Hi Bring Em On,
Dreams and nightmares are so interesting aren't they. I am going to start a Dream Journal - I'll need to look and see if there's a place to put them, but maybe I can use this thread if not. I've started a Recovery Journal, which feels like a great place to 're-group' and order my thoughts a bit, or just share whatever has come to mind.
I often wake my partner in the night, as I often scream out in my sleep, but I don't always remember why, and I feel really sorry for him that he gets woken so violently by me screaming out.
Sorry to hear you had that experience last night, were you aware of doing it, or was it because your wife told you about it?
I got a 'tracker' for Christmas, which can track my sleep, so I am wearing that now, and I found it really interesting that the fact it put on the screen of my computer - 'Leave it to us, we'll do the rest' - was almost like I was 'handing over' the comfort of my night to a digital gadget - however that only calmed me for a couple of nights, as the effect after that was that sometimes the gadget flashes or lights up, and then my brain was recognising that as something frightening and traumatising, and I was then misinterpreting it, and ending up scared!!! But, I am persevering, as I like to see whether I can improve the quality of my sleep over time.
What I have been finding is that the process of writing things down in this forum, and hearing people's replies means I am making new links, and learning new things, and then new things come to mind, and I feel like the puzzle is beginning to slot more into place than it has ever done. I am so grateful, as I really want to get through this, and manage things better, and live more in the moment, and try to be less hypervigilant.
I do hope you have a better night tonight, and I wish the same to myself! :-)
This is really interesting to me. I also have dreams that have symbolic meanings in them but they usually are not the exact dream reoccurring over and over. It's like the themes/symbols will reoccur and I have to "translate" them to get the true message from my subconscious. These dreams often are very surreal, and the surrealness is usually the symbol.
Usually it's a warning or sad truth of some kind. I really feel that dreams are where we process trauma or other stressful emotions. I've begun dreaming (and remembering my dreams) a lot since I came out of the fog.
I have a lot of dreams with a wish - fulfillment aspect to them, too. They are usually enjoyable, though.
Are your guys dreams very vivid and/or realistic? Sometimes I literally have to check stuff to make sure it was a dream and not a memory of what I did the day before!
Hi Spirals,
Yes, my dreams are also very vivid - sometimes to the degree that I physically move - e.g. I've run out of bed in an 'escape' themed dream/nightmare, and they are usually very lifelike.
Thank you for replying and for talking about your dreams - the wish-fulfillment ones sound good - it's great that you've some pleasant nice dreams as well.
You spoke of translating the symbolic meanings of your dreams - and the surreal aspects of them - I think mine tend to be more 'in my face' in terms of reflecting something that has happened.
I remember one time when I was in my 20's, and I had a dream where there were 6 identical versions of my Mother and 1 version of my Father - and I was in a massive Hotel trying to escape from them, but I'd keep getting trapped by my Mother - as there were so many of her, it was difficult to get away. It was a nightmare - not a dream. I'm glad I've not had that one again, but the memory of that stays with me.
Actually, although I think my dreams are more vivid and realistic, I am usually clear it was a dream and not a memory, so that is interesting.
Thanks again for your reply. :-)
Your welcome :)
Yes, I have only started having the confusion about memory vs. dreams the last few years. These dreams are always really realistic. Like I may do something totally ordinary, like eat a bowl of cereal. But I have had memory issues for a while, so I think they are more related to those.
The wish - fulfillment ones are the best! :yahoo: They are very vivid and sensory. I've eaten chocolate and really experienced it. I also make out with people a lot in my dreams. But some of them are more serious. I've confronted my abusers (or people who've hurt me) and gotten the reaction/response I've wanted or knew they would give.
I sometimes have nightmares about some of my abuse, but it's a lot rarer than my other types of dreams. Do you think the nightmare you had about your mother was symbolic? Like there are multiple sides (masks) to her personality, or she would use her flying monkeys to trap you (and her six doppelgangers represented the flying monkeys) in an abusive relationship?
I love analyzing my dreams. But I usually don't take mine literally, because I don't feel my own dreams are reliable in a factual way (most of the time). It's interesting that other people's dreams are, though.
Hi Spirals,
Your wish-fulfillment dreams sounds great. I remember once that I dreamed about having a baby - and the feeling was so amazing when the baby was delivered and I could hold her - I think she was a girl. It was like total elation - I have always remembered that feeling - so lovely! I don't have any children. So maybe that was a wish fulfillment dream.
I think the dream/nightmare about my Mum represents being trapped in an abusive relationship with my parents - they had complete control over me in so many ways - I have related to books about cults and the feelings that cult members have when they are within the cult and then when they 'escape' - (if they manage to escape of course). My Mother seemed to be the more controlling and scary one out of the two of them.
I definitely think it is helping me to write about my experiences and share my dreams in the forum, and thank you so much for replying - and sharing your experiences - it really helps to talk about those things. Thank you! :)
I woke up crying in my sleep last night - and the centre of my head really hurt - normally it's the left-hand-side that might hurt, near my left eye socket and above that. But I understood that I was crying due to having had to leave a role I loved recently - and so it was normal to process and grieve for that change. I don't like any form of 'goodbye' anyway, so it has been a challenging time, but I am glad I'm managing to process things, rather than dissociate and distract myself from them. So it feels like progress. :)
Hi, Hope66
They are great! And I think that sounds like a wish - fulfillment dream. It's amazing how real a dream can feel. It's like you really get to experience something you may not otherwise. Like a personal version of virtual reality. I think that's a cool dream you shared, and you're welcome :) I love discussing dreams, I think they are fascinating.
Sorry you are going through a difficult time, hopefully it gets better!
Hello again, Hope and Spirals!
My very vivid "school dreams" are back with a vengeance. I recall them in vivid detail upon waking. It's like my chronic nightmare is a reliving of just one of the traumatic aspects of my life. I've had such a variety of traumas over the years (many much worse than teaching), but my sleeping mind seems fixated on this one.
My therapist suggested that my childhood traumatic experiences left me constantly feeling observed and judged by others and feeling that I was never good enough. So, it makes sense that my chronic nightmare consists of being observed and judged inadequate in my role as a teacher- even though I am no longer a teacher.
I've only had one wish-fulfillment dream that I can remember- I was in a concert playing lead guitar for my favorite singer-songwriter. Other than that, I've found that there are no "sweet dreams" to be had.
Hi, bring them all in
I can see why you would have nightmares about teaching. I think teaching is one of those careers that people think is easier than it really is. I feel bad for teachers. I have a lot of problems with authority figures in general and I think some of my teachers got to experience that firsthand :whistling:
I think what your therapist said about it being related to your childhood experiences makes a lot of sense, though. Did you feel inadequate and judged during your time as a teacher? Or is are these feelings "super-imposed" over your experience of teaching only during the nightmare?
It's too bad a lot of people around here seem to mostly have nightmares :'(
Hi Spirals and Bring Em All In,
I didn't see your replies till today - sorry that I missed them! It's lovely to see you both replied and I appreciate what you both said.
I have been dreaming this week, but the details won't come back to me, so they are not as vivid.
I think maybe I'll try writing them down in the night, i.e. as soon as I have had them and can hopefully remember them, as I have read that they can be messages from the subconscious - and I would be keen to think about the symbols and things relating to their potential meanings.
Thanks again for your lovely replies.
Hope :)
I've been wondering about what the themes of dreams can mean. I think about a past dream which would occur fairly frequently where I would be on a boat or a ship and there would be tons of rubbish strewn around that vessel - and I would be out in the middle of the sea trying to wade my way through it.
Similarly I sometimes had themes of being in very old large houses - like ones that might have been around in Victorian times - and I would feel uncomfortable there, wondering why I was there and what that was about.
When I was a child I used to dream quite frequently of being able to go around shops and just take anything I wanted from the shops - i.e. basically stealing as I wasn't paying for those things - and somehow that felt incredibly exciting. I wonder what that is about. I've been wondering about these things more recently, as they feel like themes that re-occurred in my dreams, and were therefore meaningful.
Can anyone relate to any of those themes, or do you have any thoughts on what they might mean?
Hope :)
Hi, Hope66
Sorry, I haven't been on lately. I had my first nightmare in a while about my family. I am taking some drugs that have vivid dreams as a side effect so I think it could be due to that.
Hmmm, I once had a dream about making out with the guys I was attracted to when I was in HS. But whenever I would get close they would change into a different guy. Oddly enough that's basically one of my fears about relationships but at the time I was having a lot of dreams about reaching for rewards that were always just out of reach so I always thought it was part of that theme.
The stealing one is kind of funny to me. I wonder if the stealing thing was about being able to meet your needs. Like you didn't have to feel guilty about taking what you wanted. I feel like PD parents tend to have a very conditional or transactional style of relationships. So maybe if your parents guilted/shamed you into being "good" but you still rarely got your end of the bargain upheld (your needs met) despite this, your subconscious was like "Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just take what we wanted without having to jump through all these social hoops!"
Just some thoughts... ;D
Hi Spirals,
Thanks so much for your reply - and I just want to start by saying that I hope you're ok after the dream you had concerning your family.
It's good to see you back in the forum, and I think your reflections/thoughts about the 'stealing' topic in my dream is really insightful, and I do relate to that - whilst my parents were able to provide basic needs like food, clothing - I felt like my emotional needs were NOT met - and I felt liberated in the dreams by being able to take things - the subconscious is interesting isn't it.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts - I found it very helpful.
Wishing you the best,
Hope :-)
Hi, Hope66
You're welcome :) I like analysing things ;D And it is nice to be back and see what everyone is discussing lately.
I'm doing ok. It was a weird dream. My parents had this gross biological fluid on them and were bald. Somehow they and my uBPD sister and uASPD sister-in-law found me at a hotel (I think I was on vacation) and I spent the whole dream trying to "escape" them. I avoid them in waking life so it's kind of humorous even my dream self does that, although after I woke up I was like "why, didn't you just tell them to leave?"
It was just one of those :blink: dreams. Lol.
hey, all,
hope, i once read that houses in dreams represent your self. perhaps the idea of being in old, victorian houses and not feeling comfortable in them relates to the old ideas and messages you were forced to live under that really weren't you, didn't suit your essence of being.
i've also been having a lot of dreams about people, dead, alive, imaginary (like from tv). they have been wonderful, actually. old friends that i get to see and hang out with again, my folks (who have been dead for quite a few years) who i can interact with in a happy way, celebrities that i just get to meet and have a lovely interaction with.
whenever i've had these dreams, i've always believed that these people are visiting me, and i'm ever so glad to see them once more. this has been going on for about 6 mos. on a regular basis, but has happened before throughout my life as well.
just wanted to say that not everyone is having horror dreams. i hope more of us can find happy dreams to enjoy.
Hi Spirals,
Your dream sounds interesting - and the theme of escaping from your family in your dream and it reflecting your choice to avoid them in daily life is something I definitely relate to - I have had a few dreams where my FOO have been chasing me. I have been escaping.
Like you say, the choice to say 'Go away' doesn't appear to happen in the dream - maybe one day!
Sanmagic7 - thanks for your reply - and it's great that you've been enjoying some happier content dreams - getting together with all kind of folks and enjoying some time in their company - I think I'd like one of those kind of dreams. Maybe it will happen - and I'll have a great time. :)
I experienced a dream last week where I really felt as if I'd reached a 'result' in terms of some element of my past that I'd been seeking and finding hard to locate - and it made perfect sense, but could I remember what it was when I woke up again the next day? NO - and I felt really frustrated by that. I really wanted to know... It's like I'm searching for the missing links. But I know that traumatic events produce fragmented memories, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to find the missing parts I want to find.
I found your comment about houses and the Victorian building really helpful - infact it reminded me of a time when I tried to write a story in a creative writing class, and the teacher told me that my style was like a writer from Victorian times - I can't remember the author's name unfortunately - but the teacher gave a name to me, and said I reminded her of that writer in that piece of writing.
Personally I feel 'stilted' a lot of the time when I write - like I'm struggling to express myself. Yet I also have the experience that when I read back what I've written at a later time, I actually wonder 'how did you write that?' so then I feel like it wasn't bad after all.
Spirals - that image of your parents being bald with the sticky stuff/substance on them, it is a very powerful image - I'm wondering if it was like them being re-born - but it felt like they had an alien quality to them. Just thoughts that came to mind for me, and I have no idea why. I guess different images and thoughts conjure up different things for people. I wondered what you made of their appearance and how that felt. Please don't feel the need to reply to that, unless you want to - I am just wondering.
I might try to write down a dream next time, shortly after I remember it - like keeping a more active dream journal perhaps and see what themes come out - and I'll hope to share some of that here.
Hope :)
i'd think that if subconsciously, such as in a dream (even if you can't remember it) you came to a turning point about your past, that turning point is still there and will show itself to you in another way at another time. i know it's frustrating not to be able to remember those things - that happens to me, too.
i do believe that something, somehow, will be different for you because of that dream - whether it's a perspective that's changed, a perception that wasn't there before, or a sentence you speak when normally you'd have said something else. it'll happen. maybe you'll even have the same dream and this time remember it, and consciously you'll now be aware of something that wasn't there before.
spirals, why didn't you just tell them to leave, indeed? have you done that with them in real life? or is the whole family dynamic too 'sticky' yet for that to happen? no need to answer, just my curiosity making itself known.
i find dreams fascinating and frustrating at the same time. i do believe there's meaning behind them, tho, that our subconscious is often speaking what our consciousness dare not yet. i don't know. it's all interesting to me, tho. take care, both of you.
Hi sanmagic7,
I really like your reply - it makes sense, and I will be looking out for the changes that might happen, and I feel sure you're right that something will be different as a result of the dreams - I believe the subconscious is powerful and that dreams are a route to finding things that remain hidden from conscious view.
I am thankful that I've not experienced any night terrors recently - which is really good!
I am still aiming to write down any dreams, but since I made that decision, bizarrely I don't remember any dream at all from last night!
Hope :)
Last night I experienced a traumatic kind of dream where I felt as if my M was pressing my head hard against the bed and almost smothering me, and I felt as if my head was going to split in two. I struggled to free myself, and in the process of doing that, I actually tore something (or felt as if I pulled a muscle/tendon) or something in my neck and shoulder, and it really hurt. I was groaning and crying out in agony over that, and found it hard to get comfortable with the pain - I took painkiller in the end, and today I have a sore shoulder and neck.
I am NC with my FOO but they are often in my thoughts - almost daily, and I hate that they still have 'power' over me in that way. I used to ruminate frequently, but the frequency has reduced, but there are certain times of the year that it gets worse, and this is one of them. I am sure I'll feel better as the weeks go on, and I will just have to cope with a few extra disturbing dreams and situations for a while. But being able to talk about them here in the forum helps me to process them and the comments and support is great.
Hope :)
some of my dreams have changed in the past year or so. people like my sister (who i also believe represents my daughter in my dreams) who come at me to hurt me, i've begun fighting back, getting angry, standing up for myself, yelling at them to get off me, and doing all the things i never could do to/with them in real life. i've felt empowered in the dream, and, remembering it, felt empowered in reality as well. a very good feeling, indeed!
here's hoping for more empowerment dreams for us all! cheers!
Hi sanmagic7,
Yes, I hope for more 'empowerment dreams' too - they would be good. It's great that you've been taking some control in your dreams, and I am thankful that my sore neck and shoulder are feeling a lot better already - so I am healing up well. :)
Hope :)
This is all very fascinating to me. For contrast sake, I went the opposite direction. I used to have the most vivid dreams with full or mostly full recall. Full color, lots of details, remarkable adventures. Rarely would I get a real nightmare. (Could it be the nightmare was my waking state? esoteric question.)
My CPTSD comes from childhood abuse combined with the loss of loved ones. But in 2003 after my SO suddenly died, I stopped dreaming. It was like - slam on the brakes. My first dream didn't reappear until 18 months later, and that one was hard to recall. I was surprised I remembered a dream at all. I was sleeping only 5 hours every night at that time.
I had about one dream a year for several years. Then I started having about a couple a month starting about four years ago right before I remarried. The last few months I've had a lot of dreams and some are again, at last, vivid, but still not always easy to recall.
I do recall now some dreams that don't turn out so well but I seem to wake up calm. In a recent one I physically appeared to die and turn into a skeleton, still living I suppose, since I remember having something to say about it. I seem to wake up calm, but then my anxiety doesn't manifest as a fear in the moment. It's like a broken alarm clock that goes off unexpectedly, well wound, I suppose. :yes:
My anxiety manifests when everything is all fine, as in inexplicable panics when things are almost ordinary. But that anxiety also has reduced more and more over these years. (I walk with my anxiety as a potential given in a more confident fashion because I'm more aware of it. )
I still sleep about 5 hours at a time before I wake up. I mostly go back to sleep. I consider that a relative success story. I hope you find a lot of nice sleep soon.
Hi Magnet,
Just saw your reply today - thank you. It was interesting to hear your experiences of dreams. Thank you for sharing them. I can see you're relatively new to the forum too - so Welcome. I hope you are feeling supported and finding your feet here. I was sorry to hear that your SO suddenly died in 2003 - that must have been so difficult to cope with.
It's interesting that your frequency of dreams is much more again in recent times. Your dream about turning into a skeleton sounds strange, and it's good that you woke up from that dream feeling calm. Also good that you are getting some quality sleep - although I know I would struggle on just 5 hours. I am lucky that I do manage about 7 and a half hours of sleep on average per night.
I've not had many dreams recently - only one last week - and in that one I was on a train in a foreign country - travelling - but wasn't sure where I was going or who with.
Wishing you well and hope to see you around in the forum. It's a very supportive place.
Hope :)
Thanks for the reply Hope, but don't feel bad for missing my post before. I just checked back in today, the day after your responding post. Love and grace, hope.
Hi Magnet,
Thank you. I hope you are having a good week.
I've decided to add to this thread, because I have had a couple more dreams this week - one was very realistic and involved me receiving a phone call (in my dream) from my FOO (Mum) telling me that my Dad was on his death bed, and my partner took the call, and told me she was on the phone - and what was happening. I 'froze' which is what I would do if I received any phone call from her - I have been NC for a while now - but in the dream I ended up going to the phone, and saying to her 'I'm here' (I felt a surge of energy to enable me to do that, it felt 'assertive') but then she wouldn't speak on the phone at all, and I put the phone down. Remember this is all a dream, and then I remember thinking about whether my Dad had died or not.
I guess it's my subconscious mind worrying about these things, and the fact is that someday that scenario will happen, and I really don't know what I'm going to do. Being NC has some testing aspects to it, but I think if I can't face them when they are alive and breathing, what can I do when they are gone?
I also had a 'night terror' (according to my partner) on a different night (last night) and he told me that I asked him if there was anyone else in the room with us, and that I had a rapidly beating heart and I was shaking and visibly upset and anxious - but I don't have any recall of that incident at all - I wouldn't have known about it if he hadn't told me about it. I find that quite scary in some ways, as I think my heart must be being put through it's paces and I don't even know about it.
I just wanted to put these dreams and experiences here, and I hope that I will have more peaceful experiences in the next few nights. I am sleeping quite well - which is good.
Hope :)
Thanks for that, Hope!
:sunny:
Quote from: bring em all in on January 13, 2017, 10:10:35 PM
Hello again, Hope and Spirals!
My very vivid "school dreams" are back with a vengeance. I recall them in vivid detail upon waking. It's like my chronic nightmare is a reliving of just one of the traumatic aspects of my life. I've had such a variety of traumas over the years (many much worse than teaching), but my sleeping mind seems fixated on this one.
My therapist suggested that my childhood traumatic experiences left me constantly feeling observed and judged by others and feeling that I was never good enough. So, it makes sense that my chronic nightmare consists of being observed and judged inadequate in my role as a teacher- even though I am no longer a teacher.
I know this is an old topic which no one has replied to in a while.
Bring em all in,
I can so much relate to this post. I've got a code system down for my nightmares. If I have a nightmare about going to either nursery school or nursing school or both of them combined it's a definite clue that it's a memory. Of course there are other nightmares where I know they are memories. The reason for me on nursing school themes is that during the time I attended I traveled to an area of the country where my abuse took place. Though at the time I had no idea it occurred there. I got triggered on the trip and had anxiety/panic attacks the entire time. When I returned to nursing school I was totally messed up. I had my first breakdown.
Nursery school nightmares are similar in that my Nmother lied about me going to nursery school with my brother. I never went to school with him. Instead she was forced to drop me off with my psychopathic Nfather. I didn't know he was my father back them. I nicknamed him The Crazy Man because I witnessed him doing crazy things to people.
I write down all of my nightmares which fall within my guidelines as memories.
It's good to see this thread is still going, and people still pop in - and Fictionalizer, I just saw your comments about your dreams and memories - I think it's a great idea to write down your nightmares, because it can help to make sense of them - at least I find it helpful to do so as well.
I've just popped in to write about a dream I had last night - which had my M in it - from my FOO, and she was driving around trying to pursue me in her car, but thankfully she never managed to actually find me! I was relieved, but frightened by the pursuit. However, what I found interesting, was that previously such a dream/nightmare would have been 'really scary' - whereas this time I actually felt as if part of me was in a 'mischevious' mood - and thought it was funny that she couldn't find me. I find that really interesting, and think it might represent a 'braver' part of myself - or maybe even the 'adolescent' in me, that wants to assert herself. I don't know, but it's showing a shift in the way I'm looking at the situation, and it feels like a better way to 'see it'.
Not sure if this makes sense, but anyway, I just wanted to comment on what you wrote, and also share my dream.
I hope other people will also pop in and share experiences too - as it is so helpful to read other people's experiences, and I feel I learn something from everyone here.
Hope :)
I wasn't having many dreams for a while, but this week I've experienced a few more - so just wanted to mention them here - in one I literally thought I saw a young girl dressed in white with long blonde hair and I thought I saw her in the room with me, and she ran past me - and it felt very 'real' as if I was 'awake' and had 'seen her' and then I put the light on, and woke my partner, and told him "I've seen her - a little girl" - I felt scared but then I went to sleep again, so it didn't affect me too much.
Then last night I dreamed that I was in another country - and I was trying to drive somewhere over there, but I was unable to reach the destination and I felt 'stuck'. It wasn't a nice feeling - it was like I would be stuck there and unable to get back home. I felt worried, upset and concerned about it.
I guess the themes I can see in both these dreams are ones of feeling 'out of control' and 'scared' about things - and I guess that is because I've been worrying about an altercation with a member of my FOO (my sister) and wondering what to do about it.
I just wanted to ensure I captured the essence of these dreams here - as I want to keep track of them.
Hope :)
Last night I had another dream, and this time I saw my M in that dream - she was standing with her head turned towards a wall - so I could just see her profile and her back mainly - and she was just standing there facing the wall. The thing was, that I felt like I could 'see her' quite clearly - so I wasn't sure if I was actually asleep or whether I was awake and able to see a person there. So that was a bit weird. But I think I was only dreaming and it was just very realistic.
I don't remember feeling any particular emotion - except for a sense of 'surprise' that I could see her so clearly.
Hope :)
Another very vivid dream last night - this time I was pregnant and in hospital and trying to think of ways to begin the labour process - as it was long 'overdue' and I needed to have my second child! This is bizarre because I've not got any children IRL, but I did dream about giving birth in the past - and felt immense joy when the baby was placed on my stomach afterwards - and so I guess in my 'dream world' I already had delivered one child, and so here I was pregnant and trying to give birth to my second.
However, I never actually gave birth - I woke up before that had happened, so I didn't experience the emotion of having the baby delivered this time. Pity, as it had been an amazing feeling last time.
I am too old to have children of my own, but I think that dreams about being pregnant or giving birth must be relatively normal/usual for women to have.
If anyone relates to this or has any comments - I would like to hear what you think. Otherwise, no worries, as I felt ok about this dream - it was just interesting to me. I enjoyed it really. :)
I used to have dreams about being pregnant and I always used to panic because I couldn't figure out how I could possibly be pregnant and who on earth the father could be. It was always a relief when I woke up and knew: just a dream.
It's interesting that your experience is so different and that you even dreamt the birth of your first 'dream child' and that it was such a positive experience for you.
Hi Blueberry,
Thanks so much for your comments here - and what pregnancy dreams were like for you and how you interpreted them - you opened up a few thoughts and feelings for me, which I found helpful - and I might do another thread about it, once I've thought more - but it's the theme of what pregnancy or lack of pregnancy can mean, and how I've thought about that over the years, and how things have changed - I related to some things you said - it was really helpful to hear your thoughts - thank you. I wish I could expand on that more - but at the moment, I think I need to think about it more in my head.
Hope :)
This is an interesting thread, thank you Hope. I have had a few pregnancy dreams and I have always woken up in a panic. Mine always centered around fear and apprehension. Unsure of how it would have happened, and if I would survive it.
Hi Elphanigh,
Thank you for sharing your own experiences of pregnancy dreams - that does sound scary to have that fear and apprehension around it.
I do wonder if I am having positive experiences within my pregnancy dreams because the reality is that I am too old to have a baby now - so maybe I know it's impossible... no fear there as a result? I don't know.
I know that issues of 'pregnancy' are relevant in my family history - and I hope to post about that sometime - when I feel brave enough to open up about it. But so far, I feel too scared to express it - but I know it's a theme for me.
Thanks again for sharing your experience.
Hope :)
Last night I had a dream - so just wanted to write about it here - it was more like an 'apparition' as I woke with a 'jolt' and really believed that I'd seen an older woman with grey hair walking towards my bed, just before I 'jolted awake' - and then I screamed out and tried to get the light on - because I was convinced that she would come 'for me' and possibly attack me - that was my real and very intense fear at the time. Of course, there was nobody there, and all I managed to do was wake my partner, and my pulse was racing really fast, and I suspect his was too, having been woken so violently.
I can see that my fears at the moment are that my FOO (parents) will die - even though there's no reason to think they should, as they are both fit and well - as far as I know - but I know they are older and ageing, and there is the inevitability that they will die at some point. I fear that. I feel intense guilt for that.
It was interesting when I was 'hanging around' listening into the conversations in the other sister website (out of the fog) (whilst our own forum was 'down') that I then realised what 'fog' stands for - 'fear' 'obligation' and 'guilt' - and it made such sense to me - although I still feel all 3 of those things on a regular basis, even though I've taken the step to be NC (no contact) with my FOO. I'm not through that FOG yet - I still feel 'fear' I still feel 'obligation' and I still feel 'guilt' - I know that I need to let go of those things. I am making progress - it's so much better than it was in the past few years. But I still need to do more to break free of it.
Maybe then these dreams/experiences will lessen and stop happening.
I know that my sister (whom I have only communicated with via E-mail in the past couple of years, and with whom I am now NC again) has really strange beliefs - and I feel sure that she would think the 'woman with grey hair' might be a real spirit, or energy or even alien force - but I don't believe that myself. I think she represented my fears of the ageing of my M, and her potential death, and maybe that I feel guilty for not being able to be the daughter that I was expected to be. Hence I feel she wants to come and do me some damage.
Anyway, just a few thoughts - it's good to talk about it - see - I even have to justify the fact I write it here - makes me upset to think I struggle with this, but I very much do.
Not sure what to say now. Run out of words. Enough said.
Hope :)
I wanted to write about a dream I had a couple of days ago, because it was very 'triggering' for me, and 'stayed with me' for much of the next day.
To give some background, that makes this dream seem 'understandable' - my FOO situation is that I never had a relationship with my Grand-parents or my elder sister, because my parents were secretive about 'what went on' and they were estranged from them. But having got in contact with my sister, in the last few years, briefly, I learned more about my Grand-parents (as my sister had been brought up by them for part of the time, and therefore knew them). One of my Grand-parents had Parkinson's disease, yet my NM never told me this. I have a memory of a friend whose Grand-mother had Parkinson's disease, and me saying to my M that I was concerned for my friend incase there was genetic links (this was when I was quite young that I said this, not really understanding the condition etc) - but my M had never said to me, 'Well your own Grand-mother has this' - she kept that from me.
Anyway, in my dream, I ended up believing that I have Parkinson's disease, and I really felt as if I had it - and it was scary and that scary feeling remained into the following day - but in addition to that I had a triggering event that I needed to go to that evening, and so my anxiety had gone up and up during the day - and although I managed to attend that event, and was pleased about it, I remained quite 'triggered' the following day - which was yesterday - and I actually felt as if I had dementia, because I was forgetful, distracted, couldn't focus - etc etc. I am so thankful that this morning, I feel so much better - calmer, more focused, and so I realise that my 'head' has been churning through some existential fears - and wondering if I've inherited something from the Grand-mother I never knew, and has caused me to 'feel symptoms' that just aren't there. Anxiety creates forgetfulness, and I know I dissociate regularly - moment to moment sometimes - in the day.
Last night, I was experiencing 'getting in touch' with some 'wounded parts' of myself, and a 'new character' came out to me - that was 'stressy' 'anxious' and 'overly worried about health' - extremely 'hypervigilant' and I thought - that's a destinct character/part/inner child I've not met before, but whom I can feel her angst and worries. I tried to think of unblending myself and separating myself from 'her' and it did help me to feel calmer, and I was able to listen to her worries, and also tell her that it's understandable that she would be worried about a medical condition, in view of the fact that noone had ever talked to her about her Grand-mother and indeed about any of the other stuff that was going on in the FOO - which was just basically extremely dysfunctional and horrible.
I think that latter process of 'talking to my worried self' has really helped me - and that's probably why I feel calmer today - I am grateful because I don't want to have a day like yesterday or the day before.
This week leads up to the weekend, when Mother's Day is going to be celebrated in the UK - and I am not looking forward to that... But I am going to celebrate it for myself, and the fact that I helped to mother the wounded parts of myself, and I can offer them what they need now I'm a functioning adult, and I can give them some empathy and love - so I'm going to try to turn it around. :)
Hope :)
My partner told me that we were spooning, and he felt as if I was 'clamped to him like a limpet' and he needed to move, so he did. That was his recollection of what happened - and when he moved, I apparently screamed out really loudly.
My experience of that was that in my sleep I was dreaming that I was lying in suspended animation in the sea or a large salty lake, with water lilies around me, and I was precariously balanced. Then it was as if someone had stepped on one of the water lilies and it tipped me into the sea, and I felt at that moment as if I was definitely going to die and that I would just drown and be dead. Hence I cried out (not realising that it was the movement of my partner that had disturbed my sleep and woken me), and I had apparently literally shouted out.
I didn't remember this - until he reminded me that I had screamed so loudly - then I recalled what had happened.
I just wanted to write about the dream, as I remembered it.
Hope :)
I really find some strength in seeing that I'm not the only one having weird but heavy and realistic dreams. I hope you all have the strength to get back from that 'dreamworld' and take care of yourselves good.
I hope it's okay if I share some of my experiences? That way I can write some off my mind and maybe if someone recognizes it, it would be great to hear!
For the past three years I have been struggling with realistic dreams and feeling really tired during the day. These dreams occur mostly during the beginning or the end of my 'sleep'. Sometimes they're paired with physical outings like laughing, screaming and hitting (,that is for what I know).
[TW: violence] (sorry im quite new to TW, so not sure if this is the right one & use)
This afternoon I had a nap and dreamed about a whole array of things. From being on a holiday with my mom, grandmother en family of my grandmother. Which was alright, but I had to hide some money? I also needed to study a video of kpop-group BTS so I had to put that above the people I was on holiday with.
Then, somehow things spiraled out of hand. I ended up in a bakery where I felt threatened by a man, that followed me during my work there. I lost some moments but it ended with him being closed up in a oven by accident and that was my moment to run away, but not without having to look him in the eyes one more time.
Somehow my dreams have an elaborate scenario and I'm quite surprised of what my mind is capable of when I wake up.
If you have read this, thank you for your time >.<
Hi ws0116,
I read what you wrote about your dreams, and really relate to what you wrote, in terms of also having very realistic dreams and experiences related to them.
I'd like to Welcome you to the forum too, as I see you've done your third posting - and I hope very much that you will find this forum helpful - there are very supportive and encouraging people here, and I hope you'll find it helpful.
I hope you feel better after your nap this afternoon, and that you are ok.
Hope :)
Trigger warnings *** (disturbing night terror including details of that):
Last night I had quite a vivid and disturbing Night Terror - I remember struggling with whether I was actually awake or asleep, and feeling 'as if' I had a stroke happening - i.e. as if half my face was feeling numb, and I was worried about myself - but I think I must have been asleep - because the next thing I remembered was a man in a dark coat with a bag who ran towards me, and I had the thought that he was going to kill me with a chemical attack - I wondered if the news events of the chemical nerve agent in Salisbury had caused me to think this - and also whether my post about Little Hope's fears of the night-time, had triggered me to have this awful night terror. I woke my partner up by screaming really loudly - and he told me he had thought he was going to have a heart attack - so I was worried for him.
But I am going to keep going with my attempts to process things, and hope that the frequency of the night terrors won't increase too much in the process of that.
Hope :)
Trigger warning: Disturbing dream, slightly graphic.
I experienced a disturbing dream/night terror last night whereby it was as if someone/or maybe even myself had a coat hanger and had made it into a pointed wire tip and was going to attack my eye-ball - I woke my partner by screaming really loudly at that point, just as I thought the attack was about to take place - and maybe that's why I remembered it, as he woke me up, after I screamed. I don't know.
I know I had been feeling bad for sharing some stuff about myself here in the forum, and that my inner critic had been having a go at me for that. Telling me that people would think I was disgusting etc - and so maybe those fears fed into my dream and created that horrible night terror.
Anyway, the relief is that it's not happened. I just think the angst and the terror was felt - and now I can be grateful for the calmer aspect of the day, in comparison to the terror of the nighttime.
I guess the frequency of night terrors is getting more due to my facing my CSA issues, and other issues, that I had previously avoided, and so I am going to continue with my wish to face these things - but I need to pace myself - as it has felt quite over-whelming - and I've been reading around the forum more - and realising that I'm not alone with these things. That is so helpful.
Hope :)
I have just re-read much of this thread - and I am amazed at what I've been writing about my dreams. I do realise I have written quite a lot in the forum, since joining, but reading through this - I think - it's amazing how many dreams I've had and also it is interesting to read about the content and somehow part of me is laughing as I have read some of them - I think - How can this be that I am so affected in this way. Is this real? I know it is of course, but as I read it this evening, I think - it is a LOT of dreams.
What I am glad about is the fact that the night terrors haven't been happening lately - dreams are ok, but night terrors, those are so frightening when they happen - so I'm relieved that there's a change.
I dreamed last night, but can't remember what the content was - but I felt like it was a deeper sleep and that I did dream.
Hope :)
11th August 2020
I have just re-read the entire thread here today - and I am now tearful - because I realise how much I forget about what I write, and I am amazed by how much I've written, and also the themes of my dreams - and for some reason the dream where I was precariously balanced on a water pad and feared drowning, that made a part of me really upset and tearful. Really emotional to read that - but maybe it was also the contrast with my partner's recollection of that night as well. Such different perceptions and experiences of the same situation.
I am so glad I kept writing about my dreams here, because I can see themes, and I can recognise stuff - and see how I've changed over time.
I'd also like to write about a dream I had last night - a similar theme to ones I've had before - this time I seemed to be on a boat with lots of belongings around me, and then it seemed to morph into a hotel room or old guest house - not sure, but it wasn't very homely - quite old and there was stuff everywhere. My equivalent of my MIL was with me in the dream, and she seemed to be enjoying the trip (at that point it was on a boat) and she was smiling and she was close physically to me - and I was thinking that she was enjoying it a lot, and wondering why she was getting so close to me!
I know that in IRL she has been having some help from me, so maybe that is why. I admit I'm not so comfortable with the proximity of that either. So maybe that was represented in the dream.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope66 on January 09, 2017, 10:44:12 AM
Hi Spirals,
Your wish-fulfillment dreams sounds great. I remember once that I dreamed about having a baby - and the feeling was so amazing when the baby was delivered and I could hold her - I think she was a girl. It was like total elation - I have always remembered that feeling - so lovely! I don't have any children. So maybe that was a wish fulfillment dream.
I woke up crying in my sleep last night - and the centre of my head really hurt - normally it's the left-hand-side that might hurt, near my left eye socket and above that. But I understood that I was crying due to having had to leave a role I loved recently - and so it was normal to process and grieve for that change. I don't like any form of 'goodbye' anyway, so it has been a challenging time, but I am glad I'm managing to process things, rather than dissociate and distract myself from them. So it feels like progress. :)
Wow, I came here to add a dream that I'd had last night, and noticed what I wrote here back in 2020 about the birth of a baby and the wish fulfillment kind of dream.
I am embarrassed that I didn't see the replies from Spirals and Bring Em Back (not sure if that was your name - going from memory of just reading it) - so I'm sorry I never responded back then.
Need to post this, and then write about the other dream, as it is also about the birth of a child...
Oops, I feel silly now, as I had been reading page 1 or page 2 of this journal, and thought I hadn't responded to Spirals and Bring Em On, but I had replied I think. I noticed the dream I had about the birth of the baby - previously, and how that had felt.
4th January 2022
I dreamed last night that I had given birth to a baby, and I was in a hospital and the baby had been taken away for some treatment or procedure, and I was left not knowing what had happened, and not being told anything. I felt abandoned and some feelings relating to that. I found it interesting that I stayed with those feelings, experiencing them, and actually telling myself it was ok to feel those feelings - rather than distract or dissociate from them. I am sure this is down to my attempts in recent years to stay with emotions and work through them, rather than avoid or distract from them.
I have never had a baby, I don't have any children, but yet I had two dreams - one of the intense feeling of joy at having a baby, and the other of the feeling of abandonment and grief that the baby was taken away, and I didn't know what had happened.
I can't really make more of these things, except to comment on them, and I wanted to add the recent one to this 'dream journal'.
I don't think I'm up to re-reading this whole thread today, but I might come back in a few days and re-read it, to see if I get any thoughts about the themes or what I think about it.
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate you sharing your dreams. I am curious what you will uncover in looking back. I am also curious about trying to log my dreams. I think I often dream and then can't remember them but then am left with a weird feeling after.
Hi Rainydiary,
I have found it helpful keeping a dream journal, and I hope you will also find it helpful, if you decide to go ahead with your curiosity regarding trying to log your dreams. The 'weird feeling' after is definitely something I relate to. I am often left with remnant feelings, after dreams, and I feel as if different parts of myself have been able to take hold of my body in the night, and that they process and work through things - and that sometimes I remember snippets, and othertimes I don't. But it's interesting to read back my dream notes, and I can see themes and changes there.
*****
I did re-read some of these notes, and what struck me was that there were many dreams that involved my M, and her pursuing me, or controlling me etc. But I am thankful that in the recent months she's not featured in my dreams, and that's nice! I prefer it that way.
Regarding the dreams of giving birth, I noticed there were three of those - I am sure there will be regrets about the family I never had - no children - but I'm not grieving that, as I do feel happy with my life and my partner. What I think I feel is that my earlier background and upbringing caused me to not have normal feelings about certain things, and therefore opportunities passed me by. Actually as I write that, I know there are lots of things I could write about it, but I would feel uncomfortable about sharing the details, hence I'm not.
My partner told me that I had been talking in my sleep last night, and immediately I felt a sense of dread about what I might have said. However, he told me that I said this:
"My hands have become flowers. No scissors."
He thinks those were the exact words I said. I think that's a little bizarre. It made me laugh to hear that though. I wonder if I feared that someone might cut off my hands (thinking they were nice flowers to be picked) and therefore it was important that no scissors were around to do that. I don't know...
I had no memory of the hands turning into flowers, and no memories of any dreams last night, so it was interesting to hear that I'd been talking about it in my sleep.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
Thanks for sharing your dreams here. To me, it sounds like you might be connecting to a younger part of yourself, maybe one that experienced some things before, which is why you're familiar with dissociating. It sounds very positive though. Scissors sound like something violent/intimidating as well and flowers are loving; that you're blocking that negativity out for joy. Not sure if you've mentioned it before, and just looking in as an outsider so please disregard if it doesn't feel relevant.
dolly :hug:
Hope, I appreciate your sharing and insights. I had two pretty intense dreams last night and documented them after they happened on my phone. I'm not sure I would have remembered them otherwise - for me a pattern is lack of safety. I'll be interested to see how this goes.
Hi Dollyvee - I think what you wrote about my dream was relevant and useful, so thank you. :hug:
Hi Rainydiary Good luck with taking account of your dreams, I think it is an interesting thing to do, and can see how themes are there and how they can change over time. I've been glad to keep this Dream journal going.
16th January 2022
I had a very realistic dream last night. I was attending some kind of conference with my partner, which would be unusual to have done in real life, as we come from very different work backgrounds. But we were at the same conference, and there were a lot of people attending it. There were times when people needed to work in two's, and I didn't always find my partner around at the time, but was able to locate him in time to pair up with him. Although I felt anxiety each time that I tried to seek him out and locate him - but what came through to me was that he was there in time, and that he came to work with me.
There was also some times in the dream where the organiser spoke of feeling tension in the room, and amongst the participants, and how she commented on the fact that there was more tension than she was used to handling in a group. I was aware that I'd wanted to say something to her at that point about her statement, but I'd felt unable to talk. I also then became acutely aware that I didn't feel able to speak out loud about anything that was bothering me. That I held it inside. Therefore, how could I attempt to process it. This rings true to experiences for me, so I see this theme loudly in this dream.
But when I woke, and thought about the dream, I was pleased that I'd ended up at a conference to attempt to work things through, as that felt like a big thing to have done. I could see that my mind is trying to process things, and get me somewhere, even in dreamworld. I feel positive about this dream. There's action and there's pointers for me there.
Hope :)
Hope, having read about your dream and then what you thought when you woke up, I sense so much change in you since you started on the forum or even just a short time ago. :cheer: :) :hug:
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for saying that, and for noticing that, it's helpful for me to see that. :hug:
**********
I dreamed last night that I was going to have a hair appointment, and had arrived in a salon to have that, but somehow things changed and I ended up having to have a major operation of some sort (not sure what kind of operation, just that it was a major one!) and so I had the thoughts about that, and trying to cope with going through that - bearing in mind it was unexpected and I wasn't supported, I was alone in coping with it.
I kind of think that is positive though, in my reflection about the dream, as I was unprepared, BUT I did manage to go through with it, and put my trust in the people to do the operation, and hoped the outcome would be good.
But I've no idea why I would be dreaming about needing to have an operation, as I don't think I need to have one (irl).
Good to have this dream space to write down themes and dreams.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
I found this dictionary to be helpful sometimes discerning themes etc. Maybe you might find it useful too.
http://m.dreammoods.com/site/dreammoods/o?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dreammoods.com%2Fdreamdictionary%2Fo.htm#2613
dolly
Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you. I tried to look at that link, but it had a code saying '403 Forbidden' so I couldn't access it. But I do appreciate you taking the time to try to give that link to me.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
Oh that's strange, I can access it but it says unsecured. It is a safe site so that's odd.
Operation
To dream that you are having an operation suggests that you need to get something out of your system or cut it out of your life. Perhaps you need to let go of something or change your habits.
To dream that you are operating on someone indicates that you are facing some deep issues or dealing with some repressed thoughts.
To dream of a military operation suggests that you need to approach some issue or situation with discipline, precision and planning. Do not rush through your decision.
*Please see also Surgery .
Haircut
To dream that someone is giving you a haircut suggests that you are experiencing a decreased sense of power. You feel you are being criticized unfairly. Alternatively, your dream haircut symbolizes a fresh start. You are shedding off some unwanted aspect of yourself.
Hairdresser
To dream that you are a hairdresser suggests that you are imposing your ideas and opinions on others. Perhaps you need to work on your self-image and improve on your image. Alternatively, it refers to your attitude toward your own sexuality.
To dream that you are at the hairdresser implies that you are looking to change your attitude. You are ready for change and move in a different direction.
dolly
Hi Dolly,
Thanks very much for taking the trouble to put that information up for me, I appreciate it. It looks interesting.
********
Last night I dreamed that a friend of mine had achieved something that I would have liked to have achieved myself, and I wondered why I was dreaming about that friend in that way. She never did that particular thing, and neither did I, but of the two of us, I would have been more likely to have done it. This made me think about things that I could have achieved, but never did. Also, think about how I perceive my friend and what she's done in her life. Interesting.
I spoke about the dream in more detail with my partner, and whilst I spoke about it, I ended up crying and very upset. He was helpful to me, as he helped me talk about some of my feelings, and I found that doing that helped me to feel better and to enjoy the rest of my day more. So that was good.
Hope :)
12th February 2022
My dream last night was a bit like a 'night terror' but it felt more like a nightmare.
Trigger warning - mentioning assault
The dream was such that I was in a house and was attacked by a man with greasy hair, couldn't see his face. He assaulted me sexually. I didn't know who he was.
After I woke up, I found I was really in pain in different parts of my body, and also shaken up emotionally. I took quite a while to re-ground myself into the here and now. But I felt like it was less like a night terror and more like a bad dream/nightmare. Somehow I was able to feel like I could feel more in control, even though I couldn't stop the sexual assault.
I don't think this makes sense, but I also don't feel so scared by it, as I would have been by a night terror.
Hope :)
Hi Hope67 :)
That sounds awful... though I am glad you didn't feel so scared.
Please forgive me if this doesn't relate or isn't helpful...
I had one very bad recurring flashback and the last time with it I was in more control (still limited but not frozen). It ended up being the last time with that memory, at least as far as flashbacks go. I wonder whether it was because I was able to move in it.
Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry you are having nightmares but hope there is something wonderful to come from it for you :)
Hi Paul72, I realise you wrote your reply quite a long time ago now, but I wanted to say that I did read it previously (sorry for not responding before now!) and found it to be a really helpful reply. Thank you so much. I recognise what you're saying, about being more in control within a flashback, and it does seem to be helpful. I relate to what you said.
******
26th January 2024
I am back here in this 'dream journal' quite some time after I first started writing in it. I wanted to just copy what I'd written in my 2024 journal about dreams, which was:
"I've noticed that my dreams have been still focusing on the theme of packing and trying to get away from something in a limited time frame, but instead of feeling completely out of control with that process, this time there are people from my life who are supportive, and they are featuring within the dream, and they are helping me to get away. So I think that's a very positive change to that particular kind of dream. I must feel like I have support in my life - and I acknowledge that I do!"
I also wanted to just briefly write about a dream I had last night - which took place in my work environment, bearing in mind I've not worked for a few years now! But I think I was in my 30's in that dream, I seemed to think that I had given birth whilst at work (bizarre I know) and that my baby was being kept in an incubator with two other babies. I was working at a desk in a communal area, and wondering whether to take time off to care for my baby at home, or whether to still work on, and hope to manage both things! I also seemed to think I already had another child, whom I had given birth to when I was 32 years old. I think I was 36 years old in the 'dream'. I was surprised by the exactness of the thoughts about the ages.
I also felt like the birth had been a positive experience. I was very happy to have my baby and my other child too.
I don't have any children, so wonder once again why it's featuring in my dreams just now. But I was also surprised to see a work environment surfacing too - and feelings of how much agency and control I had over how I was spending my time there.
Anyway, I am hoping to continue to add to this 'dream journal' when I remember to do so, as I like to see the evolvement of themes and content over time.
Hope :)
Yesterday I re-read a lot of this thread, and noticed that the theme of births has come up quite a few times for me now - more than I realised! I seem to 'forget' that I've written about these things previously, and so when I see them again, I think 'Wow' 'Did I write that?'
I wanted to add that the number of night terrors have reduced considerably over the past year or so, and also that on one occasion recently when I experienced a night terror, my partner told me that instead of diving 'out' of the bed (which I sometimes did in the past), I had approached him and fallen into his arms (quite a quick motion which had woken him up and surprised him a lot), but we both discussed the fact that it's a more positive reaction (to seek safety in his arms) than to throw myself out of bed, and potentially injure myself. That night terror was over Christmas, and to my knowledge, I've not experienced one since then.
I've also noticed that my tending to mindfully notice my feelings of trepidation that surface at regular points in the night, with some concern and care for those parts of me that are feeling that way, has meant that the frequency of that feeling has also reduced, and I only notice it briefly now, and am able to calm and reassure those parts - who are then able to sleep, enabling the entirety of me to sleep. I think that's really good.
Whilst I remember - I did have a dream last week which featured the equivalent of my MIL, who seemed to have come to our house and was sleeping in a room - but somehow her doing that meant that I wasn't able to sleep with my partner, and so she was effectively causing us to have issues and almost split us up! I think that represents some anxiety on my part about my MIL's greater needs for support currently, and whether she will somehow affect my relationship by causing difficulties between us - but in the light of day, I think that we are able to discuss the best ways to support her, without her effecting our relationship in a negative way. I know I wouldn't want anyone else living with us in our house - that's for sure! There's no room, and also I feel unable to cope with the dynamics of that. (yes, I think that's why it's been affecting my dreams - worrying a bit about that). I shouldn't, because there's no reason for that to happen. Also, my MIL is a nice person, and I recognise that sometimes I perhaps project feelings about my M onto her - when really, they are separate people and it's not fair to do that - but it does happen!
Hope :)
Last week I had what my partner thought was some kind of nighttime disturbance, where he heard me talking, and I remember that he spoke to me in the night and asked me about it, and I told him 'Yes, I know what that was about! - I saw a green helium balloon float across the bedroom, and it was shaped like a green heart." So I must have been talking about that. We both agreed that it was a much more positive kind of night-time experience than being pursued by something, or visualising other stuff that I have seen in the past. A green love-heart balloon - I'm wondering what it might represent. I think it's nice though!
Last night's dream was one that had a lot of stuff in it that was upsetting - I think I might have cried. I don't know what the content was, except that it felt upsetting, but I just allowed myself to feel the feelings, and that was ok.
Hope :)