i believe that my c-ptsd was caused by events in my adulthood, beginning with hub#1 telling me he didn't want to be married anymore when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant. the entire marriage was abusive, don't get me wrong - lying, cheating, drugs, porn, disrespect, etc. - but i think i took the downward swing toward c-ptsd with this statement.
the trauma was exacerbated after i married hub#2, where i was in a state of confusion most of the time, not knowing who he was, what were his likes and dislikes in a day-to-day setting (he always looked to me for direction on what to do, where to go, how to deal with the kids, etc.). he continually set me up to be the 'bad guy' in our family, making the difficult decisions, how/when to discipline, what they should eat, where they should go to school - it was all on my shoulders. i knew i was in a downhill slide when i got pregnant, asked him to come to childbirth classes w/ me, and he refused, saying, you've been through this before, you know what to do. we had been friends since high school, and i thought i was going to have a friend/partner/teammate in our marriage. it never happened.
he adopted elder daughter, always did things like that so he looked like a really great guy to anyone outside our home. he went into rages at the slightest mistake he made, but never got mad at me. in fact, he was frightened of me. (he admitted this later). he also cheated on me, but with porn videos, nearly every night we were married, until he said something in therapy, and was diagnosed w/ a sex addiction. he told me about it, telling me that he had been into auto-eroticism. while he began going to SA meetings, i was terrified that i'd wake up one morning and find him dead in the living room with his junk hanging out. i've never mentioned this here before, and my chest is tight.
i was also double-teamed in that elder, who had been diagnosed with any number of mental illnesses, was extremely abusive toward me, testing me when she was very young (if my sister and i were drowning and you could only save one of us, who would you save? it would be her, right? cuz you love her more). sophie's choice questions, competition w/ her sister to see who was getting preferential treatment from me. as she got older, the abuse became public, including her friends in humiliating me, ignoring me when i was at a school function, things like that. eventually, in high school, while she was self-harming, she lied to her friends and the school counselor, telling them all that i was beating her, giving her black eyes. soc. services was called on me, and hate spewed out of the eyes of her friends if i happened to be around any of them.
when she was 16, the suicidal gestures began, and my hyper-vigilance was thrown into overdrive, never knowing from one day to the next if we'd get 'the call' that she was dead. in and out of psych wards, she'd been on so many meds from an early age that i was always checking on her every night when she went to bed to make sure she was still breathing. she was scheming, cunning, extremely intelligent. and so hateful toward me, i didn't know which way to turn. of course, hub#2 took no part in this, never stood up to her about her treatment of me, and was told by one couples therapist that the problems between her and me were between her and me. i had no help, no support, no compassion. he admitted later that he'd 'checked out' while all this was going on, just going to work, visiting her when she was in the hospital (what a great dad, right?) and becoming involved in stage productions so he was never home at night, either. of course, when i confronted him on this, elder told me that i'd made him quit the only thing he loved doing, and how horrible i was for that. his feeble denials did nothing but fuel the double-teaming dynamic.
and there was therapy going on, with a therapist who i now know held men in higher esteem than women, who made me feel worse about myself the longer i was involved with her instead of the other way around. this was my first venture into therapy, i believed everything she said (i know now i had very little sense of myself, was newly into recovery from alc. and drugs so was extremely vulnerable, and wanted to please. she took advantage of that.
in those 8 yrs. of being with her, i was her client, trained to lead her therapy groups (tho i was not a therapist at the time) and became her employee at the same time she made me her best friend. if these 3 levels of involvement weren't enough, she often put me in double-bind situations, expecting me to act 'correctly' on two, sometimes 3 levels at the same time. for example, i had gone through her group as a client, had had couples and singles sessions with her as my therapist, and, when i showed an interest in doing what she did, she encouraged me to join a training group so that i could become her employee and lead these same groups i had gone thru. after a few months, she held a training group for other therapists (i still was not one), and invited me to join in as a refresher course kind of thing. so, i was a student again at the same time she'd ask me to teach these other therapists what it was like to have gone through the groups as a client.
other times she'd ask me to spy on therapists who were doing her groups, report to her about how they were coming along, snitch on them if they weren't making the grade, so to speak. at one point on a group getaway, i was not only her roommate, but her confidante as she talked about the issues of other participants, and when it was over, she raked me over the coals in her office for the issues she noticed with me because i didn't participate fully with the others. too many more examples to list here.
by the time i finally went back to college to actually become a therapist, i started learning what professional ethics and boundaries were all about. none of what she'd been doing with me fit under ethical practices or professional boundaries, and i began the painful de-tangling of myself from her. i was involved with her for 8 yrs. by the time i'd gotten free, i had to get on meds for anxiety and depression. it took me 8 more yrs. before i could get up the gumption to report her to the state board.
these four people in my adult life, 3 of whom i believe are narcs, and 3 of whom i believe are misogynists are the main people i see as causing my c-ptsd. i finally was able to go nc w/ my ex and my daughter in jan., 2015, but only after being re-traumatized by them double-teaming me. i had my 6th breakdown because of it, and almost didn't get up that time. the anniversary of that nc caused a massive ef that lasted till aug of last year. the second anniversary is coming up this month. i believe i'm better prepared for it this time.
there is so much more of the same that happened in those 20 yrs. i finally moved away because i knew i was dying, could feel it happening. they were killing me. i've lived here for 15 yrs., and more of the same happened w/ ex and elder, only long distance. so, 35 yrs. of abuse, chronic stress, tension, traumatization - it's no wonder my body has a difficult time functioning anymore. but, i've survived the madness. i have the people on this forum to thank for that in large part. i couldn't be where i am today without you.
thanks, kizzie. this is my story if you want it. i was able to get it out. now, to relax.
And what a story. Thank you for sharing Sanmagic. Such a tremendous level of experience.
How do you feel with that retelling?
scared of letting it out, scared of how i might be judged, scared this wouldn't be accepted, scared i'd be berated. i was scared to come here today. on some level, tho, i feel like i've let the poison out and i don't ever have to repeat this again. i'm going to have a funeral for it, put it to rest. my chest is still tight with tension and the stress of going through it in a real way, in black and white. it was awful, both the actual experiences and the re-telling. but, i just started writing and kept going. actually, the aftermath of re-telling it is what's kicking my butt. all this fear of the consequences of writing it here is what's the worst.
thank you for caring, contessa.
:hug:
In pieces, you've been able to tell parts of this before. To muster up the strength to tell in one place the whole story took serious courage. That you have survived at all is amazing. You are a warrior woman.
Lighting a candle in your name - saying a prayer for peace and bodily recuperation. :hug:
I feel sad that you felt that you might be judged, discounted or berated, but know the feeling all too well.
I'm so sorry this happened, it's awful, so hard. it must have been difficult to write it and also to see it. It is courageous to lay it all out. I want to validate and honour your suffering and your courage and strength.
:bighug:
thank you, both of you, wife2 and radical for your lovely, healing thoughts and prayers. i think it had to come out, finally, so that i could be done with it. the anxiety afterwards was horrific, even tho every chance i've taken on this forum has only been met with love and caring.
i read another posting about the difference between being abused as an adult as compared to being abused as a child. it felt like she was defending my choices, like she had my back, and i loved reading it. i wrote about it in my journal. today, i have the strength and adult freedom to get out of abusive relationships, and have done so with no regrets. during those years, i had parental and societal expectations that i believed i had to live up to. that therapist even called me a 'runner' at one point in couples therapy, which strengthened my resolve to stay and take it. she was taking care of my husband, and i had so little voice at the time i just accepted it.
i just want to move forward with healing both mind and body. but i have a different type of clarity now, almost a different force that's working inside me. the poison is out, i don't have to carry it around with me anymore. apparently this change in the forum triggered me to be able to get rid of it, put it someplace where it won't hurt me anymore. i'm so grateful, kizzie, that you started this. it was the jumpstart i needed.
so, forward. and love all around. everyone's hugs mean the world to me.
So much to have lived through Sans, but you are here and I for one am glad of that. :hug:
I hope this Jan is not a difficult time in that it is the anniversary of going NC; rather I hope you are able to feel the freedom and self validation doing so represents. As you suggest sometimes it isn't really a choice at all, but it still takes a lot of courage to step away and leave major parts of our lives behind, to endure the loss until we are able to see what we have gained.
It sounds to me like in telling your story you are acknowledging all of that and are moving into that place where you can feel some freedom, connection, validation, and maybe even joy. :thumbup: Onward!
thank you, kizzie. and, yes, after the initial bout of anxiety, i've been able to crawl out of the madness now, and feel relief that it doesn't have to define me anymore. for awhile i felt i had no choice - i was a product of what had been done to me and i couldn't figure out how to escape that feeling. after writing this and doing the funeral for it, and for that 'fixer' part of me that was my reason for hanging in these relationships so long, i do feel like my focus is on me in a positive way finally. i can turn to healing, self-care, and thinking about things other than revenge or justice or getting these people to hear me. i know that'll never happen, that they'll never understand, and that it would be fruitless to even think about it anymore.
so, i feel much more prepared for this anniversary coming up. it may be like the anniversary of any loved-one's death, but i'm hoping that it's not going to affect me like last year's did.
joy? did you say joy? the only time i remember feeling joy was at the sight of my elder daughter's first step. it was quite a feeling. i can feel warmth, now, in a way i didn't before, so maybe that's a start. i'm also having some lovely dreams where i do feel happy. that feels good as well. this process has been a gritch, for sure, but i'm looking at it over my shoulder now instead of on the horizon. that feels better all by itself. i hope i'm not talking out of my butt, and all those bricks will decide to come tumbling down on top of me anyway!!! we'll see.
Maybe some :fallingbricks: now and then, but hopefully fewer and fewer, and more and more :sunny: days
thanks, kizzie. fewer bricks is always welcome.
Loved reading this :)
contessa, can i ask why? no judgment, just curiosity. does it ring a bell with you or something? similar experiences? you don't have to go into detail, i'm just curious as to why you 'loved' reading this.
Oops sorry Sanmagic, that comment left absolutely no context.
Loved this:
Quotei can feel warmth, now, in a way i didn't before, so maybe that's a start. i'm also having some lovely dreams where i do feel happy. that feels good as well. this process has been a gritch, for sure, but i'm looking at it over my shoulder now instead of on the horizon. that feels better all by itself. i hope i'm not talking out of my butt, and all those bricks will decide to come tumbling down on top of me anyway!!! we'll see.
I hope not to sound idealistic here, yet even though you have stated that you feel no joy, I did sense the positive lift with that paragraph. It may be little, but it is there. And its not only in the right direction, its a direction you deserve to keep on going in.
Yes, the bricks will fall again, but hopefully less often as Kizzie said, and also with less weight.
So that is what I loved. We've all been stuck in a horrible storm, when the long awaited rays of sun start to break through its something to truly to appreciate.
I felt good reading that, forgot where I was, and got up to sieze the day here instead of writing an explanation. My bad!
no problem, contessa, it just left me a bit confused is all. thanks for the explanation.
it does feel good to have a little light shining thru for a change. it's been a long haul.
Yeah apologies again, could see the obvious confusion and insensitivity clearly when reading back. Forgot where I was for a moment San.
That light does feel so good doesn't it? Its small, but it is finally some movement away. I'll spare you further metaphors, but here's hoping it stays behind you, even if it is only over the shoulder for now.
I'll admit to feeling the same over the past couple of weeks. You know what I have been dealing with in recent months, so the calm no matter how small is welcome. Thank you for helping me find that, and I am glad you're feeling it too.
and thanks back to you, contessa, for your continuing support. it is really nice to not be in the middle of the storm anymore (i love metaphors!). even my daughter mentioned to me that i had seemed defeated. that's just how it felt, too - like i'd never be shed of this. so, over my shoulder, but it's receding in the distance as i walk forward toward the sunrise.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 11, 2017, 12:11:26 AM
i just want to move forward with healing both mind and body. but i have a different type of clarity now, almost a different force that's working inside me. the poison is out, i don't have to carry it around with me anymore. apparently this change in the forum triggered me to be able to get rid of it, put it someplace where it won't hurt me anymore. i'm so grateful, kizzie, that you started this. it was the jumpstart i needed.
I love the way you put this... getting the poison out. I feel that's the perfect description!!! I'm so glad that you're in a better space now! Keep it up!!! :) :cheer: :applause: :hug:
San definitely is a tough cookie :)
thanks to both of you. ironic - today, i'm the crumbling cookie that's been dunked in the milk too long, soggy and crumby, full of fear and self-doubt, feelings i've never consciously allowed before. it's horrible. i can understand and relate to how people talk about being scared now, and i don't know how they've done it. i've been wrapped in my cloak of grandiosity so long, but it's now fallen to the floor, and i'm naked out here, and don't know how to be. dang, will this never end!!!
San, as hard as it will be, try to not run from it! Know that you are safe in the here & now and feel it. Usually it washes over me like waves, so I can catch my breath between crests. Try to feel the fear and still look at it.
I guess feeling fear but continuing anyway is like staring at the bug and still grabbing the shoe and crushing it. Why do we stare at it WHILE we attempt to crush it? It isn't actually going to harm us, it's just a bug! We still want to keep our eye on the critter, in case our aim isn't true - so we'll know where to send the next crushing blow. Fear is like that. It will try to skitter away and stay alive. It's that fragile AND powerful. Just think about how someone jumps after the bug that escaped!
This is the downside to allowing those feelings to reveal themselves. The upsides are joy, contentment, pride, humor and even justified anger. Allowing ALL of the emotions to exist is allowing you to be the authentic you - with all her facets able to shine in the light.
We'll be here for you when these unpleasant ones show up. We'll be here for you no matter what! You are the warrior woman. Even fear is allowed in her heart, because she is a warrior and also a human being. Because YOU are a warrior woman AND a human being. :hug:
:yeahthat: Sending a big warm :bighug: your way San.
man, i hope it's not as tough being human as it is getting there! today was a cleansing cry about how many people have hurt me. i count 3 in my life who have been there for years as the only ones who never have. i carry the pain throughout my body because anytime i tried to tell someone, it was smashed away, denied, ignored, or made worse. i am now admitting it, and i think it's * awful! i don't get it. so many cunning, impervious, deceitful people who, even after they knew, did it some more. *!!!
i used to want to think they were clueless, but i know better now. they are deliberate, doing as much as they can to see what they can get away with, and some of them got away with it for more years than makes any logical sense to me. but i guess that's the dark side of this - there is no logic, only striking out, draining, exhausting whoever cares to stay around to take it. what a frickin' fool i've been. and i don't normally call myself names like that, but that's how it feels at this moment. ugh!
I can relate to everything you've said here, San.
It is tough and so painful. It opens the way for something better but there are a lot of losses to get to the other side of, and learnings-from to process.
I feel I need to stay inside my own feelings in order to enact boundaries at the lowest level, with body posture and facial expressions that reflect how I feel. I know people who are very good at this, at being boundaried and in touch with what is okay with them, and communicating it authentically without fanfare. It means that they don't end up like I do, further down the line, with virtually no boundaries unbusted, and too many hurts and misunderstandings for the relationships to be repairable.
That is my understanding of how I managed to end-up feeling so wounded and betrayed so often, - letting things go, turning a blind eye over and over, until the little things became big things and I felt powerless. I don't know if this has been a problem for you?
It's always good to hear your battles and victories, to know we are all in this together.
People can be pretty easy-going and convey self-respect at the same time. It feels like a mountain to climb
radical, yeah, i just absorbed all that negativity for all those years, never knowing how to get it out, or when i tried, it somehow got stomped on. that's the part that was always so confusing to me - i'd ask for what i wanted/needed, like i'd learned, i'd be given lip service of some kind, and no follow through at the last moment, which left me dazed and confused. i couldn't understand it, mainly because i've always tried to be a woman of my word. i thought that was extremely important, and i just didn't get it when others thought nothing of going back on theirs.
for some reason, maybe because i lived in my own little bubble so much of the time, i never stopped trusting people to do what they said. i just gave them chance after chance to live up to their word, almost always disappointed in the end, having to do it myself, scurry around to make different plans that i could implement myself. i got real good at doing that, but i continued being the starry-eyed optimist through it all. still.
living in mexico, i found a new level of not following through, of not being to rely on someone's words, including my husband's. i've been married 15 yrs., and altho i know he loves me, and has showed this by taking care of me all these years that i've been so sick, i'm only now getting to the point where i can't trust most anything he says about what he's going to do (except errands he runs for me), can't rely on him to follow thru on his word. how sad to live like this. it's a mexican thing i've discovered - most everyone tells you what they think you want to hear instead of the truth. it's so frustrating! being american here, too, they think of me differently, so will treat me differently, including charge me more for something than they'd charge my hub. in mexico's eyes, all americans are rich, pretty much.
so, i just struggle along, another bird on the wire with the rest of you. sometimes i really don't know how much more i can take, except that i have nowhere else to go. so, the pressure is on to find a way to change my way of thinking, my expectations, in order to stay here with some relative sense of being ok. this has changed my idea of trust, tho. i don't trust people now, except for a very few who have proven themselves to me. the people i've gone nc with, i don't trust a word that would come out of any of their mouths. i can finally admit and accept that they did nothing but hurt me over and over, even when they knew i was at my wit's end. smuck 'em, i say!
Hi Sanmagic7,
Just wanted to say I am both saddened and impressed by your story and your courage in telling it. I am NC too with my only sister whom I believe is likely a psychopath. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be the mother to such a person. Like your elder, my sister was toxic and dangerous from a very young age. For what it's worth, I know you were right that they were slowly killing you and you were right to get away. I hope you can find more peace after getting this all out.
P.s. I am deeply sad for you being abandoned by your first husband like that, though it sounds like a good riddance ultimately. I know that my childhood ptsd definitely flared up when I was pregnant and has been going strong since. We're just more vulnerable at that time, no matter how tough we are. It was a crappy thing for him to do.
thank you, gentian, for that validation. to this day, the people i ran from think all i was doing was running away from my responsibilities, leaving them in the lurch while i've been having fun in the sun on the beach in mexico. they'll never get it.
slowly, the 'me' place i'm in is becoming a bit smoother, less hopeless feeling, and stronger in knowing what is and isn't good for me. last year, i let go of two more long-term relationships that i realized were unhealthy for me. it's coming together, i'm coming together, back to me, in ways i would have never imagined.
and thank you, too, for your kind words. they are so appreciated. you warmed my heart today. i can feel it!
:hug: