Today I realized that...
-Sharing is caring!
-that I am learning to regulate some of my flashbacks better.
Please feel to add yours... ;D
-Cycles will inevitably repeat. I'm not crazy and I can't change someone else. AND "I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM!" :)
:thumbup:
I am safe, I am free, I am happy, and I am okay. I'm a talented musician, and a loving person. I am not supposed to be anyone else. Everyone else is already taken, so I can be only me :)
Today I realized that I haven't had an overwhelming urge to SI since my Weds session with my T. :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
It's still there, but at a much lower (and manageable) level.
Quote from: Pixelpixiestick on November 29, 2014, 09:35:21 PM
I am safe, I am free, I am happy, and I am okay. I'm a talented musician, and a loving person. I am not supposed to be anyone else. Everyone else is already taken, so I can be only me :)
WOOOO HOOOOO!!!! :party: :party: :party:
Quote from: Pixelpixiestick on November 29, 2014, 09:35:21 PM
I am safe, I am free, I am happy, and I am okay. I'm a talented musician, and a loving person. I am not supposed to be anyone else. Everyone else is already taken, so I can be only me :)
I am smiling and crying happy tears. You are "not supposed to be anyone else." You are needed just as you are....and what a lovely package. :applause:
Onward!
Quote from: Sandals on November 29, 2014, 09:56:36 PM
Today I realized that I haven't had an overwhelming urge to SI since my Weds session with my T. :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
It's still there, but at a much lower (and manageable) level.
Yo!!!! Way to Go!!!! :waveline: :sunny: :waveline:
I need to work on my outer critic and fear of rejection! I was able to get angry and write an angry journal entry about my parents treatment of me and my siblings. Battling the critic! :waveline:
Today I realized that it is okay to feel a lot of different emotions this time of year and not know exactly why. If appropriate I even shed some tears. Trying to be genuine in my communications.
I think this is one of my favorite posts today, Whobuddy. Self acceptance. And being genuine, authentic in communicating. :thumbup:
:hug:
Quote from: Rain on December 21, 2014, 03:48:55 AM
And being genuine, authentic in communicating. :thumbup:
:hug:
I probably should have bolded the word
trying in Trying to be genuine in communicating.
Ohhhhh, of course, Whobuddy!!! How did I manage to miss that Critical Trying?!
You and I are one of the official TOOTS members then! You know ...the Trying to get Out Of The Storm members. :blink:
I've jumped over my fear this week by participating in several holiday events and enjoying several conversations with strangers. No one bit me! No one criticized me!
My inner critic must be shrinking! After the holiday socializations, I sat back and braced myself for the barrage of criticisms about how I handled things. What I should not have said/done, what I should've said/done that I did not. You know the conversation...
And guess what? Nothing. Nada. Inner Critic must be running away scared. I'm on to you ICr!! Go away! :applause:
Awesome WB! :applause:
How did I miss this, Whobuddy!! Most awesome like Kizzie says. :applause:
I realized this week that one of the most important things I've got to learn is authenticity. Sorry for the wonky word. I mean the opposite of faking it, pretending, ignoring problems, creating a nice little virtual reality where everything in my family's past that was horrifyingly tragic gets a twee little Disney makeover until all that remains are 'challenges that we've overcome' and that have 'made us stronger'. I keep slipping back into that mindset. It was all I was taught. But it's making my symptoms worse. Honestly. If I spend thirty minutes every morning acknowledging that YES, I had a * past and now I hurt and I have CPTSD, then it's like a load is taken off my back - like I can breathe again, like I can see things clearly, like I have hope.
NOTE: I'm not saying "we should all confront our pasts right now", because sometimes it's best not to. Be safe. When I look at my past and go "EEEP" and run to distract myself from remembering it, that is a way of acknowledging that the real is in fact real. I mean, if you take a look outside, realize there's a blizzard, and choose to stay indoors, you are in fact acknowledging that yep, there's a blizzard outside. The lack of authenticity I mean would have us go: "aaah, what a gentle little breeze, surely 'tis the harbinger of spring!"
I hear you Cat! I want to be authentic, too. First I am having to learn the difference between real me and not real me. I have been pretending so long and in a life now that I arrived in because I was pretending.
It is so great to have found OOTS so at least now I am not on this path alone.
"Authentic" - it's just the perfect word Cat! :applause: and :hug:
I have to take (by force if necessary) the opportunity to stand up for myself. I have to take action. I have to!
Forget the fears and what-if's.... just do it... NOW!
I don't have to be perfectly good all of the time, swallowing everyone's emotional bologna while choking my own.
For the first time I texted my dad; something I knew he wouldn't want to hear, about how he makes me feel unimportant. I was panicking, pacing, nervous, scared of his reaction. And to my surprise he acknowledged by feelings. OMG, I almost fell over! OH, the relief!!!! I'm giving myself a HUGE pat on the back and high-five while dancing a jig and whistling. It's just a baby step, but one that I've avoided for 30 years. I'm on a pride-high now, and trying to enjoy it.
Dear ICr- Go sit in the corner and shut up!! You are the one that should be ashamed of yourself!! And if you speak up, I'll beat your @$$!!
I don't have to address my abusers. But I do have to address the junk leftover in my head! -- Breakthrough!
:waveline: Congratulations! It's a good point you make, about
taking the opportunity to set good boundaries. A lot of times, I still drift into waiting for "a good time" or for "the right moment" or something, and that's not always so very helpful, I'm coming to think. So this was inspiring.
Quote from: brainSTORMI don't have to be perfectly good all of the time...
Yes. Exactly. Hard to learn, that. But SO freeing.
Yay Brainstorm :cheer: I love that you are having a "pride high" and well you should :applause:
Just because I'm going through this again, it doesn't mean that the work I did prior is null and void. It's not that I'm a failure, but have reached a new point in my healing.
And that I'm O.K. That I'm going to be okay.
Is it OK if I realized something yesterday? :)
Yesterday, I realized that when I get triggered from exercise - any type of physical exertion, really - it is my resistance to, or denial of, specific childhood memories about physical exertion, that I have kept repressed all these years, that causes such intense and confusing emotions that discourage me from even trying any type of exercise.
*Triggers ahead for anyone with bullying in their history*
As a kid, running was always a problem for me. I had (still have) scoliosis and tibial torsion. These conditions were not severe, and they were not discovered until I was finally taken to a doctor at *AGE 15 or 16* when it was too late to do anything about it. My feet pointed outward, and my knees inward, so my running was slow and looked ridiculous. I remember being maybe 9 or 10, and my step-father and his son, who was much older and visiting from out of state, laughing at me, and mocking me for running "like a duck."
From age 6 through most of my school years, we lived in the most remote wilderness there is in this country. There was a school bus that picked up kids from that area, but the houses were so far apart we could not even see each other from one house to the next. Our house had a long driveway that crossed over a pond and a creek, and the bus driver refused to drive down the driveway, I guess it didn't seem stable enough for that large of a vehicle. As a result, I had to walk up the driveway, which sloped upward to the main road, and it was probably a couple hundred feet, from the house to the road.
The problem was, because of the landscape, the bus could not be seen until it was pretty much right there, so I had two options: Walk up the driveway to the road at a certain time and wait for the bus (and stand for what seemed like eternity in sub-zero temperatures, brutal wind, ice, and snow much of the time) or wait until the bus could be seen, which meant I was expected to RUN because for some reason, nobody on the bus had any patience to wait for my slow a** to walk all that way. (To this day, I have never really forgiven my parents for not just driving me to the bus in a car. They sat in the warm house, drinking hot coffee, watching me SUFFER.)
Of course, kids being kids, they would lean out the bus windows and scream insults, mocking me, and when I finally got on the bus, none of them wanted me to sit next to them, so I would walk all the way to the back of the bus, and all the way back up to the front, and every kid would spread out on their seat to make it super obvious that I was not welcome to sit there. Then the driver would yell at me to hurry up and sit down.
That was not my only problem with physical exertion, either. I experienced sharp pain in my side whenever I ran for more than a minute or two. It would be bad enough to make me stop - but, with kids screaming out the windows at me, I dared not stop. I told my parents but they scoffed, especially my step-father. "Pain? What do you know about pain? You're a kid!" I don't get that pain any more, and to this day I don't know what would have caused it, but I know it was real, and physical, not psychological.
In school, obviously Physical Education class was dreadful. I never found anything I was good at. PE teachers - yes, teachers, adults - mocked me, and pointed me out as a negative example to the other kids. I was beaten up by a bunch of girls after school one day, and bullied on a regular basis.
It's not a big surprise then, that these memories haunt me and cause an overwhelming sense of shame, anger, and hurt feelings, even today, when I go to the gym, or even exercise in the privacy of my own home. Then yesterday, I was on the exercise bike, and I tried an experiment: I allowed myself to look at the memories, instead of ignoring them like I usually do. I decided to just pretend that I could change my own history. I pretended that the little girl running up the driveway was cheered, encouraged, and accepted by the other kids, by my parents, and by other adults. I am taking the first little steps to re-parenting that sad little girl in the way she should have been.
I was very moved by your post, Voice. I am so happy that you are reparenting now. You truly deserve it! You were so strong to put up with that treatment and then keep on keeping on. Now you are here and you can heal. I am sorry you had to go through that. And what is it with parents watching their kids suffer??!! :stars:
:stars:
Today I realised that I was caught up in the Karpman's triangle of drama as the perpetrator and rescuer role. Whenever I was doing something "bad" (ie not studying quietly in my room), I was a perpetrator to my dad. He would beat me physically with scars to show.
Whenever I was breaking my head over desperately trying to find the "right thing" to do to appease my narcissistic, wounded father I would be the rescuer.
What an unfair position to place a little kid in.
Hugs to your younger self :hug:, you can sit next to me on a bus any day :yes:
And a BIG cheer for turning things around by reparenting yourself :cheer:
PS - I used to get pains like that in my side whenever I ran and it was a stitch which I think came from being so tense all the time - tightly coiled muscles and shallow breathing do not make the body happy when you put it to work. Once I learned to stretch out and warm up before I ran (which I hate to do by the way) I didn't get them as frequently or as bad.
I'm not crazy. THAT it really is inappropriate for 25+ year old men to try to seduce 13 year-old girls. How did I ever think this was okay?
After 15 years at one company I've changed jobs a couple of times in the past couple of years. I used to categorize people at work in to the categories of "trust" "medium trust" "don't trust." Through learning about empathy and appropriate people interactions on OOTS I now see more layers with people, like that person lacks empathy, that person is critical or on the flip side that person shows empathy, doesn't criticize, etc. I feel like I'm working towards the ability to simply minimize contact with those with the unhealthy qualities rather than either try to "win" them over, be hurt, or be confused. And I have pretty accurately assessed the healthier people with whom I would want to have contact.
I'm afraid to step into the light. I'm still so enmeshed w my parents' emotional brainwashing that I feel guilty living life in my own terms and living for myself. It's a very uncomfortable process and I try to self-sabotage any chance I get (with the critical voice emerging "see? see? you can't do it without me, you need to be under my control, I knew you would fail")
Quote from: Kizzie on February 12, 2015, 09:20:30 PM
Hugs to your younger self :hug:, you can sit next to me on a bus any day :yes:
And a BIG cheer for turning things around by reparenting yourself :cheer:
PS - I used to get pains like that in my side whenever I ran and it was a stitch which I think came from being so tense all the time - tightly coiled muscles and shallow breathing do not make the body happy when you put it to work. Once I learned to stretch out and warm up before I ran (which I hate to do by the way) I didn't get them as frequently or as bad.
Thank you Kizzie! If I ever have dreams about that damn school bus, I will try to put you on it with a friendly smile, making room for me! :hug:
Wow, what a difference one person could have made, if they had just showed me how to warm up back then!
I met my friend's boyfriend last night and realized that I'm still drawn to drama and find stable things boring.
Waking up and feeling defective is just one of those storms I may occasionally have to weather from time to time and not even emails from my kindly therapist will keep it from happening....but I am ok just the way I am DESPITE my vicious inner critic and lonely inner child (who are sometimes one and the same)!
Quote from: BeHea1thy on March 19, 2015, 04:00:21 PM
Seeking out therapy from a man who consistently offends me is not gonna work. I terminated the relationship via secure e-mail and asked for a referral to someone else. Yeah ME! :applause:
Good for you. I always feel guilty for changing therapists, but if there's no alliance why should they get my 160$ for a bad hour.
I've got the right to grieve.
I started drifting into a depression somewhere between the age of ten to twelve. I was always sadder than the others, slower than the others, more absent-minded than the others. Less cheerful, less bouncy, less optimistic, a lot less fun to be with.
So for all my life, I've tried so HARD to keep up. I always walked as fast as I could. I tried to be as cheerful as I could. I tried to get as much done as I could. Of I did that - if I worked full tilt - then I could jiiiust scrape by and seem normal. I could just about keep up with the stragglers. And unless I was absolutely at the top of my game, someone would inevitably notice my vulnerability and home in on it. I noticed today that I still have that reflex. "Oh, I can't socialize with XY - she's so cheerful, so full of energy. I just can't keep up."
And it hit me: why the * should I 'keep up'? Who'd even demand of me that I 'keep up'? So I'm more serious than other women around me. So what? Serious is good. Quiet is good, too. A good person won't mind. I've got to give people a chance to prove that not everyone on earth is a jerk.
Mostly, I can just let it happen, the seriousness or quietness or grief. It's okay now. I've got grown-up ways of expressing my true state of mind in acceptable ways. I can find my own pace now.
Cat-
Two thumbs up for finding your own pace! I find that staying with my own rhythm, whatever it happens to be at any one time, is very challenging. I think this is true because I have so often tended to look at myself from outside-in....trying to see myself as I thought others saw me. I spoke of myself in the third person as a toddler,("she wants this, she sees that") which may not be all that unusual except I think others may have shifted to first person pronouns eventually (ok, I did EVENTUALLY - but didn't quite make the 180 degree turn and feel my own feelings).
So good for you for taking a stand on your own behalf! Huzzah :hug: :applause:
I am one tough cookie. :applause:
It's okay for me to think positive things about myself. It does not mean I am selfish, or hiding from the truth. I truly try, every day, to make the world around me a better place. Sometimes I don't succeed in getting past the trying part. That's okay. I can take a break as often as I need to. Mine is a tiring life.
I most definitely know what it is like to have a tiring life. That concept does not belong to other people alone. I'm allowed to feel bad for myself, I'm allowed to grieve the loss of my childhood, and I'm allowed to think of it as lost.
No one else's pain is comparable to my own. We all feel things in profoundly different ways, and we all cope with things differently. Asking myself "why can't you just be more like Xyz," is not only invalidating, it's unadulterated poison for the mind.
I'm allowed to eat food I like, wear clothes I like, and do activities I like. I don't have to feel bad that I have spare money in the bank. I don't have to feel guilty because I don't send it to my M. Sending her money has never made a difference in the past, and I don't see how it will start now. I am not dangling it over her head, I do not value material goods more than my family, and I did not suddenly stop supporting her in her time of need.
It is rather narcissistic of me to write my story and problems out, and tell people about it, but it's a good kind of narcissism. One that comes with a heaping side of validation for me, and healing. I am not a covert narcissist, just because I need validation. I do not run around intruding in others' lives to get it, and I don't have any expectations that people will treat me like a god because I post my story. I am always pleasantly surprised, in fact, at the support I get for posting. It's wonderful. It's like having a parent I can go to, who won't judge me for being me-centered right now.
I am very other-centered. Yesterday, I read about covert narcissists, and worked myself into a tizzy because, at some point or another, I had displayed some of the traits of one. I had to remind myself that narcissistic people of any flavor do not worry about the feelings of others, only their perceptions. I worry constantly about the feelings of everyone around me. I don't want to hurt people so badly, that I've sacrificed my emotional well-being to avoid doing so. Of course, I've hurt people. I'm not perfect. But I always try to learn from my mistakes, and this does not happen anywhere near often enough to be described as a dominating trait of mine.
Simple human error is okay. Being mad at people is okay. Even wanting to hurt people that wronged me is okay, as long as I don't act on that impulse. Wanting to hurt someone, and actually thinking of the consequences and not doing so, is a very un-npd type of behavior.
Wow. This is very long. I had quite the day yesterday! ;)
Thanks for posting it and cheers to all you've learned. I gleaned some more support and ideas too :thumbup:
I'll add another yesterday (instead of today) here. Yesterday I realized what a long, long road this is going to be, and how when I thought I was making progress, it wasn't more than down the lane and turning onto the road. But I'm grateful for being able to see the road now and to have wonderful people with me on the way.
I don't need a lot of money to be happy with the right guy....
I'm sorry to hear this happened. I think we especially get hurt in situations where we want to trust and risk being vulnerable. I appreciate you sharing as a way to help prevent others from the same thing.
bheart I'm very sorry for what you experienced and thanks for the heads up. I also know it takes courage to stay connected here and I hope that you continue to do so.
Great to hear bheart :thumbup: I hope I understand what you mean about safety...I like what Dr. Pete Walker says about things being "good enough"...in other words all humans due to their imperfections will make mistakes and do things that may be less safe, meaning parents, therapists, doctors, friends, forum members, etc. But, hopefully, with some of those people the positives outweigh the negatives enough to become "good enough". It sounds like your T and one of your experiences here wasn't good enough. But you're on track with your needed current steps, so I have faith and hope that with good enough support you will move through them...I only count my T, the forum as a "single" entity, and maybe one friend, to be "good enough" in my current reality...I too had a bad therapist who re-traumatized me...So I only had one person "good enough" up until a few months ago...my point being that I see you are sticking w/hope and healing and you will, eventually, see the fruits of your efforts...
Folks, I just want to step in here and say that what I have been alerted to are off-board relationship and not on this forum. That said, I have taken steps to ensure everyone's safety in this forum by rewriting the Member Guidelines. I will also be recruiting two moderators so that we have more "eyes on" the board. In the meantime, please let me know if you do come across any questionable posts by clicking on the "Report to Moderator" button.
As C put it so well, let's make sure we stick with hope and healing here :hug:
Tks all!
Kizzie
Thank you for watching out for us Kizzie. I haven't seen anything weird, but if I do I will report it like you said.
Thanks Voiceless :hug:
Thank you, Kizzie. I already said it in another post, but it's really great to see forum admins that are so protective of their members. It's so easy to sit back and do nothing. Fitting with the theme of this thread, today I realized that OOTS is a good-enough safe place.
:thumbup: :applause: :hug:
I have a real driving phobia because it exposes me fully and it's an open invitation to be ridiculed and live up to the "female bad driver" stereotype. I'm terrified of being honked at, or yelled at, or otherwise attacked. It's my terrified state just like when I lived with my FOO.
I want to overcome this phobia so I am more functional in society by having a car!
It's a debilitating fear.
My M was using me as an emotional extension of herself.
I have been minimizing the abusive things my M did to me, and I have been in denial about a lot. More and more things are making sense, now.
I have many good qualities, and I am a loveable person.
Today I realised that I'm with the partner I'm supposed to be with right now. He's so easy going and understanding and forgiving without being a pushover.
I'm so grateful that I'm learning a quiet, non-painful, non-tumultuous love through him. It's surprising and scary and disturbing to experience such an all-around good relationship.
Today I realised I have succeeded in escaping my X's behaviour and that people I love are beginning to get why I choose not to talk to him. I feel relieved.
Congratulations on that step Vista. It sounds like a large step to me and one that would bring more peace to your life.
I've come a really long way...
That there are people that care and accept others for who they are. Appreciate others unique personalities and special talents and interests.
I am starting to feel again and allowing myself to by a little vulnerable. This is a big step for me.
I still have a lot of fears and mistrust (even myself). I have come a long way in the last two years but still have a very long way to go.....
Thanks to everyone on the forum for you support and kindness. :hug:DaisyMae
That sometimes answers take time.
Today I realized fully that I was partly responsible for the disaster that was my just end relationship, my fault? inactivity, sitting idly by a letting her do things I knew to be wrong, constantly covering for her and being her scapegoat. I have realized my fault accepted my blame, give my penance, and leave her to her part.
Today I realized that the list of things for which I am grateful dwarfs the list of fears and griefs.
and I actually voiced this while in a park...
That I want to say to my mother she is ruthless, pitiless, relentless, dispiteous, merciless, cold-hearted... And all that in just one word: "meedogenloos".
:blowup:
I probably won't. But it doesn't make it any less true that it's (and has been) my experience.
It felt good saying that, in an awkward way. :blowup: , again. Ngghh...
If someone cannot be the person I would like them to be, a good friend, a good listener, or whatever, it has nothing to do with me.
I have the courage to be a better mom than I was before even though it hurts to think of the mistakes I have made.
In accordance with our guidelines, I am going to lock this thread now that it has reached 5 pages and start a new one (Part 2).