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Physical & Psychological Comorbidities => Co-Morbidities => Suicide Ideation/Self Harm => Topic started by: Blueberry on April 04, 2017, 08:15:06 PM

Title: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on April 04, 2017, 08:15:06 PM
While writing in Just a Difficult Day, some realisations on my type of self-harm briefly flashed into my mind. I'm going to see if I can find them again. I didn't want to flood Just a Difficult Day with them. Realisations are almost always useful to me in some way, this one I even felt - hey, that could be the key to me stopping, and then the realisation disappeared again. But that's normal for me.

Sooo my type of self-injury is non-bloody.
I pull my hair out, hair by hair, compulsively. Writing and thinking, especially intellectual thoughts where I'm not connected to my emotions is especially conducive to hair-pulling. Is that really self-injury???, people have asked. YES, even though not potentially lethal.  It does hurt your scalp after a while, and it's pretty self-destructive for your appearance. And the myriad situations when I do this show me the symbolism behind it - constant self-destruction, overwhelming lack of self-esteem, constant inner critic, uncertainty,  deeply ingrained in my system. Uncertainty came from being so much criticised in FOO. Whichever way I chose or decided, it was wrong. Even the most minor things. like I was to buy large size packet at grocery store, but it was out-of-stock so do I choose small or go back home without??? Stood there deliberating for minutes on end, and eventually chose 2 small ones. WRONG!!! And then an incredible amount of blaming and shaming on my poor little approx. 8 year old self from M. So much dinning into my head that I was completely stupid and incapable of thought  :blahblahblah:  :blahblahblah:  :blahblahblah: That made such an impression on me that about 4 years later (I know from the aftermath that I was 12 or 13) when I was sent to the grocery store to get a packet of something else and there was S, M, or L to choose from, I deliberated agaaaaaaiiiiin and chose L. WRONG!!! I ought to have taken into consideration that we were moving within the year and wouldn't be able to use up all the contents by then and it would take up space in the packing. By the way, it was a tin of baking powder, not a hundredweight of coal. As I'm sure everybody knows, a single tin of baking powder takes up sooo much space  ;)  I'm a little bit in touch with Inner Children right now, and of course they don't understand the  ;) They're more  :'(   :'( and maybe some  ??? and   :stars:  So of course my comment about baking powder taking up soooo much space isn't really useful. Maybe not damaging, but it doesn't help on the emotional level at all.

In my Just a Difficult Day post, I was writing about my difficulties with getting on with the freelance work I'm meant to be doing. What is partly so difficult about this type of work I do is that I constantly have to make minor, nit-picking distinctions and decisions. A mistake could potentially cause me quite a lot of money (by my earning standards)  and/or client annoyance if the work were rejected, but I think it's more the completely over-the-top criticism, verbal abuse and rejection I experienced as a child due to my decision-making. Yes, the Inner Children are nodding. So that's a realisation worth having, and something concrete I can work on with my Inner Children. There is more than one involved, I can't feel yet how many i.e. could be more than two, an Inner Helper I last had contact with about two years ago is now appearing on the scene, she represents inner strength especially in the spine. What is also clear to me is that this inner work is so much more important than getting that freelance work done. Maybe I can find another freelance colleague to take over at short notice. Yikes. But it might work. So I wouldn't earn my 70 mojos, well tough. The inner work is more important.

_____________________________
This is the rest of the post, from before I figured out the middle bit, but I'm leaving it. They are my thoughts, my truth about myself.

I also do it (hair-pulling) in order not to disocciate as well as to bring myself back from disocciation. So much of it is semi-unconscious, or even completely unconscious. At some point I become aware, but have probably pulled out any number of hairs by then. Sometimes I do catch myself before my fingers have pulled, for which I give myself a  :thumbup: It has taken a lot of work even to get to this stage.   Nobody was meant to notice I had any problems in childhood and teenage years so I guess unconsciously I 'chose' methods which are not very visible. Cutting would've been a bit more visible. I would've got into trouble with FOO over that. My hair was always a mess, which happens if you constantly run your fingers through your hair, pulling it out, and I did get a lot of ridicule over that as well as being yelled and screamed at and shamed, but I don't want to imagine what else would have happened if I'd taken up cutting....

Also I do think it's a little disgusting for other people, having my hairs floating around, like when I'm sitting in a waiting room or on the bus. I get so easily grossed out myself by other people's odd hairs (from their scalp) floating about.



Title: Re: My type of self-harm
Post by: mourningdove on April 05, 2017, 01:29:58 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm
Post by: Blueberry on April 05, 2017, 01:52:38 PM
Thank you, mourningdove, most appreciated. Though in a column, the way you originally had them, instead of in a line like now, was visually more effective  :thumbup:  :thumbup: even if it took up more room.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm
Post by: mourningdove on April 05, 2017, 08:22:56 PM
Good to know! :)

 :hug:
 :hug:
 :hug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm
Post by: Blueberry on April 07, 2017, 12:13:27 AM
Thank you for the columns of hugs, mourningdove.

Now that I've finished my project and sent it off, my SH impulse is way, way down. It's there a tiny little bit again, after a short spell of zero, but it often is when I write, which I'm doing right now, obviously.  Still  :cheer:  :thumbup: for myself.

Yesterday and the day before, I knew there was no way I could finish my project without buying and eating a packet of cookies a day. I know that there are others here who sit with their feelings and don't feed their addictions, but I could not. In retrospect it's good that I tried so hard to be a "good girl" in my adolescence that I never tried out drugs, alcohol or smoking, otherwise I might be hooked on one of them, and I would find the former two definitely worse than eating. Just my personal feeling on the issue, others may disagree.

What's good now is that my stuffing-my-face impulse is gone too, has been since I finished my project. And I actually even left a bit in each packet and no impulse to eat that either.  :cheer:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: mourningdove on April 07, 2017, 02:31:52 AM
That's great, Blueberry!  :thumbup:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on April 20, 2017, 09:39:42 PM
Today I was pulling out hair more than usual, because of being so brain-fogged while trying to do some work that I haven't been able to do / been putting off doing for a few weeks now. I gave myself a deadline: it has to be done by the end of this week. So tomorrow. But I did want to try today too because doing things at the last minute tends to trigger me in other ways. So when I realised how vicious my hair-pulling was becoming, I stopped trying to do this work to post on here, then moved over to reading on OOTF then came back here. I got much clearer in my head, but I haven't done my work. It's late evening here, so should be going to bed soon.

When I re-read this whole self-injury post of mine, I realised: there I go again, SI or addiction (eating) in order to complete my paid work. What I was trying to do this early evening was a whole different kettle of fish from the other time. This time it's not the nit-picking decisions, it's setting limits to one set of clients who are constantly pushing my limits and calculating appropriate payment for a second set of clients who have no problem with paying, so the problem is??? I suppose it's maybe the issue of demanding payment at all for work. Yes, inner head nods. That's the difficulty. This old issue of: I shouldn't really exist, but if I do dare to, then work I do is a sort of pay-off for my being a burden on the world in general, I shouldn't be charging money on top of it. My FOO, with whom I realise I'm still enmeshed, doesn't even think this now. It's just what's left of decades of damage and remarks in other contexts. The falling bricks effect  :fallingbricks: of traumatisation.

I also ask myself: is working worth it if the only way I can keep going is by destroying myself? But I guess it is. Being overweight and not being able to stop over-eating is a common enough problem and my self-injury isn't fatal. Also I do get satisfaction from some aspects of my work. Also if I applied for welfare instead, I would just feel like even more of a burden and would quite possibly re-double my SI and over-eating among other unhealthy pastimes.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Andyman73 on September 21, 2017, 04:08:59 PM
Blueberry,

My form of SH is also not noticeable. Leaves no visible marks. Wont mess my hair, cuz I keep it fairly short, and is done as punishment.
Sitting with you. Safe hugs if okay.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 21, 2017, 08:38:25 PM
Thank you for responding Andyman  :hug: (safe hugs are fine). I'm sorry you have something similar, or do sth similar. It's still good to know that others understand where I'm at.

Your responding led me to reread my whole post and reminded me why it's good that I'm still not doing the type of nitpicking work that always leads to SI.  :thumbup: to myself to keep going as I am this week - feels like I'm doing nothing but T says I'm allowing time and space for 'things' to come up and am most definitely not doing nothing.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Candid on September 22, 2017, 06:46:22 AM
it's good that I'm still not doing the type of nitpicking work that always leads to SI.  :thumbup:

 :thumbup: indeed!

Your T sounds great.  You're doing really well.  :hug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 22, 2017, 01:27:45 PM
Thanks for the  :thumbup: Candid. I'm still turning down work in this area.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Liminality on September 22, 2017, 02:57:45 PM
Don't know what to say, but sending warmth and comfort your way, Blueberry. Used to do that too when I was a teen. It's called trichotillomania, halfway between self-harm and an obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Can't remember how it stopped. So sorry you're still struggling with this.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 22, 2017, 10:50:28 PM
Thank you Liminality!
I know, Tricho... what-not used to be on my list of diagnoses, and I was given the obsessive-compulsive diagnosis probably because of this too. Now that I have the C-PTSD dx, Tricho and OCD have both gone from the list.

I've worked on this issue off and on in my long journey of healing, including journalling when and why I do it. Pulling out hair is my method of covering up all emotions or dealing with all emotions so it's likely it's the hardest one to control. It's also semi-automatic. I have another method of self-harm that I've managed to more or less stop, but it has only a few triggers in the CSA section. Mostly I can avoid those triggers.  Whereas the triggers for Tricho what-not are more or less everywhere.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2017, 07:56:31 PM
blueberry, i'm really sorry that you continue to struggle with this.  it seems to me, tho, that you are making progress.  small steps at times, maybe they even feel tiny, but i still see progress.  you are learning more and more about yourself and your propensity to self-harm, and i always think information can be valuable.

my d used to have a problem with 'sitting still', 'not doing anything'.  i'd tell her that we all have to take breaks at times, and during those times we are still doing something - we are allowing the healing process to continue.  it took her quite a while to be able to understand that healing is, indeed, doing something important for our lives and the lives of those around us.

i'm really glad your t was able to point that out to you.   just a thought:  i know you do tapping.  have you ever discussed tapping about your emotions?  may be something to talk to your t about as to how that process would look.  one at a time, or even a piece of one, since your tricho what-not is to escape feeling them.

however you go about your journey, tho, i want you to know that i fully support you blueberry.  i think you're amazing.  sending a loving, accepting hug your way, accepting that whatever decision you make is exactly the right one for you at the time.  (that's one i need to remind myself about!)
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 24, 2017, 08:15:50 PM
Thank you so much san for commenting! Atm there's so much going on internally that I can't even consider starting any new processes about anything. That might change - hope so anyway - before I'm finished with T for good! I have tapped emotions through - "Even though I'm feeling angry / sad / ..., I still accept myself"

Thank your for the compliments on my healing progress!  :hug: :hug:

And keep taking care of you, all the best with that.  :bighug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2017, 09:18:47 PM
thanks, sweetie.  back atcha!   :bighug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 25, 2017, 06:30:29 PM
I have a bit of progress to report. To clarify, I pull my hair out partly as an expression of self-hate. I was criticised about my appearance, especially my hair, so much growing up particularly by M and B1 that I wanted to destroy myself on some sort of unconscious level. Looking back I can see that that's how it was. I know that when I was about 9 years old, I hoped I would somehow slip off and die, rather than actively wanting to kill myself.
For years I have had problems doing anything new with my hair. I do try different things from time to time, but it's just really, really difficult. And sometimes my immediate impulse afterwards is to self-harm. I may not, I may manage to not do so. But that's my standard impulse, sometimes almost as if my hands have a mind of their own. I used to say "my hands want to do it" because the impulse was not only in my mind but somehow physical too (visceral?).  (It's the case also but to a lesser degree with putting on makeup, wearing perfume etc. etc.)

So my progress is: A few weeks ago I started pinning my hair up at the back, so that my long hair is not hanging down at all. I then covered the whole lot with a colourful cotton scarf but that was because I was working in food production (the farm). However, I was able to keep working and not with the constant SI impulse I might otherwise have had. The farm is a place where I feel less self-conscious about my appearance than in town. Today just before my evening client I finally managed to shower but I didn't have time to wash and dry my hair, so I again pinned it up so I could put on my bath cap while in the shower, and then I left it pinned up while client was here because I think you don't notice quite so much how badly it needs washing this way. The huge progress is that I managed to go through with work with client without feeling self-conscious  :cheer: :cheer:  :cheer: and more particularly

**** Severe TRIGGER WARNING violence ***

without the impulse to pull all my hair out by the roots and/or hack it all off with scissors and simultaneously chop my own head off.

*** End Severe Trigger Warning ***

have you ever discussed tapping about your emotions?  may be something to talk to your t about as to how that process would look.  one at a time, or even a piece of one, since your tricho what-not is to escape feeling them.

I'm considering talking about the above tomorrow in T and seeing if we could have a look at self-hate and self-destruction. That'll probably be a topic for screen processing. One of these days I'll provide a description of screen processing for those who've asked.

Thanks FOO so much for either doing or allowing such extensive criticism of the appearance of your little daughter / sister. Much appreciated. NOT.
As usual I'm not quite far enough along to express my anger and hurt towards the perpetrators. But I know that will come when I'm ready. And then there'll be another few non-sender FOO letters in my thread for that purpose.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Hope66 on September 25, 2017, 06:42:01 PM
Hi Blueberry,
I've only read the most recent of your entries in this thread, but I am aware that you pull your hair out on occasions, and I am really glad to hear that you've managed to find a way of wearing your hair that has caused you to feel less self-conscious - and that you wore it up infront of your client today - and it was fine.   :cheer:

I feel speechless at your FOO for how they have caused you to feel self-conscious and I don't know what to say - except that they have a lot to answer for.

I hope your session goes well with your therapist.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 25, 2017, 10:14:55 PM
I feel speechless at your FOO for how they have caused you to feel self-conscious and I don't know what to say - except that they have a lot to answer for.

The fact that you write that you feel speechless is very validating for me. Thank you. I often feel speechless myself about the extent of seemingly 'minor' things my FOO did for years on end and never noticed/cared about the effect on me. And still don't understand. So, yes, I'm often speechless.  My FOO does have an awful lot to answer for. You're right there.

I am aware that you pull your hair out on occasions

"on occasions" is unfortunately a bit of an understatement. It's an almost daily habit.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Liminality on September 26, 2017, 01:19:28 AM
I'm so glad you found a way to lessen the need to SI!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Don't know what else to say, except same as Hope66, I'm appalled at and so so sorry for what your FOO made you go through. You deserved to be treated gently and lovingly, not with passive and aggressive violence. They deserve your anger, whenever you feel safe to express it. Many warm thoughts your way.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 26, 2017, 01:21:36 AM
darling blueberry, kudos to you!  there must be something emotionally different for you in the act of having your hair up.  what a breakthrough!  that sounds huge!

i'm with hope on her perspective of your foo, what they did and didn't do to make you feel beautiful, just the lovely little girl that you were.  she's so precious, and so is her hair.  instead of criticizing, why wasn't that taken care of, combed, brushed, washed, fixed by those who were older and wiser?  the shame and blame is on them.

i'm so glad to hear about this.  good luck with your t - i hope you're able to make even more healing inroads on this.  you're doing great!  warm hug coming your way.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 26, 2017, 09:07:23 PM
Thank you Liminality and san for your replies and validation. It's really good for me to know that some people are reading and understanding, after years of people neither hearing nor understanding.

Today in T we were discussing the progress and changes since last week - quite a lot - so didn't get on to this self-hate topic till in the final 10 minutes. There were about 3 different aspects to it, which I felt emotionally rather than just cognitively. The one aspect we got into a little bit is that it felt to me emotionally as if my M wanted to get rid of me completely. Not just my hair was unacceptable but the whole of me. I've always kind of known this, it's not the first time I've even said that in therapy but this is the first time a therapist has got me as far as remaining in my Adult person but still feeling from the point of view of a child (or in this case several children) what my M thought or felt. And then how this translated into this urge/impulse in my hands to attack my hair and head. As I write that I remember my M saying that small children do impulsive things without thinking, so I'm wondering if this urge/impulse in my hands is a very small inner child? I didn't actually pull hair out when I was 3 or 4, I didn't start till I was about 6 or 7, but maybe the impulse was already in my hands? Something for me to consider / think on / feel into.

I know that up until 3 or 4 years ago I used to say that the trauma was situated in my hands. It's good for me to note that that is much reduced. I mean, I used to have this urge/impulse to pull all my hair out by the roots and/or hack it all off with scissors (and possibly simultaneously chop my own head off) at the thought of doing almost anything with my hands: changing the vacuum cleaner bag, sellotaping a postcard to the wall, hammering a nail in somewhere.... If I didn't actually have this impulse e.g. with things like washing the dishes, hanging up laundry, they would just exhaust me beyond imaginable and I used to get a lot of arm pain and tired/tense arms too.

We'll be continuing with this self-hate topic next time, which is in 2 weeks.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 26, 2017, 09:37:41 PM
Decided to split my post on self-hate.

Today after therapy I remember reading a review of the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Ann Lawson, which is on OOTF    http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=58922.0   where there are 4 types of Borderline mother including Witch Type. When I first read this post a while back, I knew: my M is a witch, and I was almost devastated to read that you can learn to love the other three types, but Witch type you can only learn to live with and not become a victim, so loving M will be impossible. Now, in light of my emotions today in therapy, that is no big suprise, nor does it feel devastating.  So, further progress.

*** Possible TRIGGER WARNING for PARENTS ***

It also occurred to me today that it could conceivably be that my M didn't hate me that much or didn't want to get rid of me, but the point is my ICs absorbed this hate from her and turned it into self-hate and suicide ideation. So that junk we sometimes hear to the tune of: "you must've misunderstood, misheard, falsely interpreted, falsely remembered" etc is all irrelevant. We're working in therapy to heal me from the traumatisation of my feeling rejected by my M from early childhood (maybe even infancy) onwards and what I 'gathered' then would have been more on a visceral and emotional level, more 'felt' than cognitively understood. So these words quoted above about misundertanding et al. don't mean anything. That's just FOO trying to wriggle its way out of the situation as usual and find a scapegoat, dumb Blueberry misunderstood again. Only I'd say with a small child the onus must be on the parents to communicate correctly, not expect a small child/infant to re-interpret the actions / body language / facial expressions of the parents into something more acceptable or something other than what it felt like to the child.

*** End TRIGGER WARNING for PARENTS ***
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Andyman73 on October 02, 2017, 10:10:23 AM
Blueberry not dumb, not misunderstand. Parental units defective! Blueberry good and delightful child, never given chance for happy childhood or happy adulthood either.
Not Blueberry fault at all! :hug: 🌸🌈🌺🌷🌹🌼🌻🍄💐💐💐🌟✨
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on October 02, 2017, 11:24:57 AM
Thank you Andyman  :hug: Parents very defective. 

I'll have to work a lot on believing that I was a good and delightful child and still a bit on it not being my fault e.g. that I was never even given the chance to be a happy or productive adult. But I've written your words on paper and later when I'm offline I'm going to work with them creatively a bit, let Little Blueberries work with them.

I love all those symbols of flowers and rainbows you add to your posts! Really brightens everything up.   :)
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Andyman73 on October 05, 2017, 05:09:37 PM
Thank you for responding Andyman  :hug: (safe hugs are fine). I'm sorry you have something similar, or do sth similar. It's still good to know that others understand where I'm at.

Your responding led me to reread my whole post and reminded me why it's good that I'm still not doing the type of nitpicking work that always leads to SI.  :thumbup: to myself to keep going as I am this week - feels like I'm doing nothing but T says I'm allowing time and space for 'things' to come up and am most definitely not doing nothing.
Yeah...do the tricho thingy thing too.
Thank you Andyman  :hug: Parents very defective. 

I'll have to work a lot on believing that I was a good and delightful child and still a bit on it not being my fault e.g. that I was never even given the chance to be a happy or productive adult. But I've written your words on paper and later when I'm offline I'm going to work with them creatively a bit, let Little Blueberries work with them.

I love all those symbols of flowers and rainbows you add to your posts! Really brightens everything up.   :)
Glad you liked those flowers and stuff.  ;D :hug: Wasn't exactly me that wrote that for you. Parental issues are very triggering for me. So....had some help with that post.  :hug:  How did the little blueberrys like my words? Oh, the flowers and stuff come from my smart phone when I'm logged on through that.  ;D :) ;)
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on October 30, 2017, 08:11:43 PM
I was away doing 4 days of intensive group therapy in a place where self-harm is not allowed. You are not allowed to physically hurt other people, light fixtures/furniture etc. or yourself, no matter what emotions come up. (Nor is verbal abuse allowed). Nor are you allowed alchohol, drugs (apart from prescription meds), and a number of other things are discouraged as being detrimental to the process.

I've been there before and managed to not self-harm. I knew it was going to be tough this time. The first 24 hours I still had the sentence about "throwing in the towel is the best solution" running through my head, which I mentioned on and off. But strangely enough I didn't have much impulse to self-harm (and didn't). As the sentence about "throwing in the towel is the best solution" got much less frequent, self-harm impulse returned. I didn't do it though. Once I caught myself running my fingers through my hair and removed a loose one. Could happen to anybody (so I've been told) but that's sometimes / often how I start. So I noted that.  I wore a head scarf daytime and I wore socks on my hands at night. By the final day, I'd removed my head scarf again and didn't return to self-harm. Today I've caught myself running my fingers through my hair again, but always stopped short of pulling out any non-loose ones. That reminds me: there's an exercise I could be doing, given to me by my T. Check my diary later, where it's written up. 

It really seems that this place where I go for intensive therapy is such a - I don't know - 'safe place' / 'place of healing' that I can manage without self-harm. This time, oddly, it gives me hope that I might manage to spread an aura of safe and healing space around myself that I in time do not self-harm at all. Just an idea, a vision. Not good to set myself under pressure with. There's enough of that as is.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on November 25, 2017, 11:49:23 PM
I admit, while reading posts as Mod today I pulled a hair out. This is not a reason for me to give up the job as Mod. I don't expect to be able to give up self-harm completely, except in exceptional circumstances like in the intensive group therapy place. (If I did it there, I wouldn't be sent home, I would admit to it and explore the issue.) On good days, I do less of it.

During Mod work, it was a combination of 'I need to make a decision' and "oh dear, I'm texting the other mods again" running through my mind. Don't worry, fellow Mods, you don't have to react to this! It's just good for me to look at what went wrong in my mind and emotions. As I posted in my Journal, I got less dissociated as time went on during Moderating. SH was in the middle somewhere. And I made the decision to keep going.

This is also not the first time I've self-harmed since being in intensive group therapy! Moderating isn't setting it off, it's 'whatever' in my emotions.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on November 26, 2017, 03:20:40 PM
Just now, reading posts as Mod, I caught myself wanting to pull a hair out. I didn't though. I'm writing directly to try and undestand what was what. I read a post and didn't understand it completely and then my emotions got blurred a bit. I mean, my mind felt clear, despite not understanding completely  :stars: My emotions hmh. I'm meant to try and feel or something like that as homework for therapy. But now I've forgotten what my homework is and exactly what T said and what I was reading in the post anyway.

Sorry for the mumbo-jumbo but I think it's good for me to try and formulate what's going on and then notice that I can't. Helps me feel better about not being able to do my professional work. Cuz I think: no wonder!
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: AphoticAtramentous on November 27, 2017, 09:07:03 AM
Don't know what else to say other than offer a hug, Blueberry.  :hug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on November 27, 2017, 07:37:05 PM
Thanks AA, much appreciated!

________________________________

My SH impulses are way up today! Some of it is definitely connected to being Mod because of all these 'perfectionist' tendencies I have especially around language and comprehension and also making decisions and yikes the whole of the forum being able to read them. Not that I'm even that far yet, atm it's just the other Mods who are reading my queries and comments.

I do realise that some of the time when reading in Mod role, I'm pretty EF-y. All this brain fog. For the moment I'm observing the effect on me.

A little while ago I was at a loose end (whole computer / Internet connection needed a break so I couldn't do anything either). I realised I needed to do something with my fingers but didn't have a worry egg around  :whistling: but I remembered to massage my fingers pretty hard, as if I'm pulling gloves off my fingers one by one. I hadn't done that for a long time. It helps to relieve tension. I yawned like crazy, which means not just physical tension was being relieved but that there was a lot going on on the emotional level too. Some of that will have been released now too. I intend to do more of this massage today, tomorrow.  :applause: to self for remembering this old recovery tool.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on December 13, 2017, 04:46:20 PM
I'm much less EF-y in Mod role and my SH impulse has gone down. Yay  :cheer: progress!

Yesterday I was spitting with rage about something in present day life and in my childhood. I was so angry I couldn't fall asleep and I didn't know what to do with my anger. Partly I had the impulse to do some hard physical exercise but can't do that late evening in my apartment (noise levels) and anyway my feet aren't up to it. I ended up sweating in bed, though it's winter. The interesting thing is though that I had no impulse whatsoever to self-harm, and I don't think I did.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Three Roses on December 13, 2017, 05:59:39 PM
 Yay! Yay for progress!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on April 19, 2018, 11:25:54 PM
It's interesting to read that exactly a year ago I was sitting about trying to do professional work and doing SH. (I called it SI then because was thinking "self-injury"). That's what I'm doing tonight too. For the same reasons. Nitpicking decisions.

ha. Today I was out in the garden clearing moss and picking wild herbs, and I couldn't do either in any kind of systematic way. I used not to be able to do any of that kind of activity in a systematic way. For a couple of years now, I have when I'm feeling relatively stable, but then sometimes I can't again, which shows I'm sort of confused internally. Maybe it's quite simply an EF. That would explain such difficulty getting on with my professional work.

So what would cause an EF? Attempting some real concrete steps at another paying job and contact with FOO.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Deep Blue on April 20, 2018, 01:51:49 AM
Blueberry,
Hang in there.  I think my current EF has been triggered by a looming anniversary.  Maybe it had something to do with the date?  Just wanted to send you a  :hug: if thatís ok.   We all have some lapses sometimes... but remember a lapse is not a relapse  :bigwink:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on April 20, 2018, 07:40:34 AM
Thanks Deep Blue!  :hug:   is great. Yeah, I forgot you've been in an EF for quite a little while but still answering posts and being supportive on here. Kudos to you and big thanks!

You're right, it's just a lapse. Not a relapse. My lapses are much shorter and less deep than they used to be too. They used to feel like they'd never end. Now I know they do and I can reach this knowledge while still in EF, whereas I used not to be able to. Progress and healing!  :cheer:

A fellow freelancer is taking on most of the job for me so my SH impulse has gone way down.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Deep Blue on April 20, 2018, 11:41:59 AM
Blueberry,
Thanks for the kudos but Iím not sure I deserve them.  I guess trying to post for others is another way of me trying to ground.  I was right where you were last night.  I pulled out my tools to SH and then thought better of it.

I reread some stuff on the forum instead and got through it.

Lots of love,
Deep Blue
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 14, 2018, 01:10:54 AM
I pull my hair out partly as an expression of self-hate. I was criticised about my appearance, especially my hair, so much growing up particularly by M and B1 that I wanted to destroy myself on some sort of unconscious level. 

I'm back to constant SH. Undoubtedly because I dared stand up to F. If I'm hating anybody it should be FOO for what they did to me and neglected to do for me but I seem to be not that far along.

But I did read some coping methods in here, like pulling my fingers and wearing socks at night, and clutching my worry egg. In a couple of hours I'm going up to the farm and the very fact that I'll be working with both hands will certainly reduce SH if not the self-hate. I don't even consciously feel the self-hate, but I maybe would if I sat with my feelings instead of pulling my hair out. Or maybe I would feel as if I'm about to implode, something I've felt before when forcing myself to not do any SH.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Wattlebird on September 14, 2018, 06:42:58 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Deep Blue on September 14, 2018, 01:31:03 PM
Hey blueberry,
Try not to beat yourself over this.  Sometimes we SH when we arenít even aware of it.  Good self care to use some of the methods you read on the forum.

You know why you do it, and thatís an important step.  Here for support if you need us.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 14, 2018, 01:53:15 PM
You're right Deep Blue, I'm sometimes only half-aware of what I'm doing in this regard. I was very jumpy and not able to concentrate properly on what I was doing at the farm. Start one thing, stop, change direction, do the other shelf etc.  Very hard to do anything methodically. I used to be like this all the time but now it's just in bad phases.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Deep Blue on September 14, 2018, 04:44:04 PM
Good job at taking a step back and acknowledging your progress.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Andyman73 on September 16, 2018, 05:25:14 PM
BlueBerry,

Here supporting and believing in you.

Andrew
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 16, 2018, 06:29:25 PM
blueberry, you darling thing, you.  so much criticism to have had to deal with over your lifetime.  that's just plain wrong.

but, you aren't wrong.  not for a minute.  i know this sh has diminished over time, and i'm glad of that.  are you at a place where you could do some screen processing, if only to make the self-hate or criticisms a bit smaller?  i wonder if that could help you with this.

just know that we're with you, no judgments.   you've been doing so well with so much lately, maybe this bout of sh is to counter-balance all the good you've been achieving.   just a thought.

whatever, you are precious and loved here, a formidable and integral part of our community family.   :grouphug:
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 16, 2018, 08:58:58 PM
Thanks san  :hug: Moved to tears-behind-the-eyes at your post. EFT would be a good idea, not sure about screen processing atm.

I finally washed my hair  :cheer: which reduces SH impulse usually.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Andyman73 on September 17, 2018, 11:55:03 PM
 :applause: :applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :party: :waveline: :yourock: :woohoo: :chestbump: :fireworks:
Well done on hair washing.
Sometimes it's all I can do, to do the basics as well.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on September 18, 2018, 01:02:55 PM
Thank you Andy! Put a big  :) on my face
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Andyman73 on September 20, 2018, 08:18:46 PM
Glad it made you smile, BlueBerry! That was my intent.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on October 11, 2018, 09:26:14 PM
Quoting from another thread:
I feel like mentioning that I've heard handwriting utilizes a different part of the brain, enabling you to access deeper feelings.

Interesting. Presumably one reason I'm better off writing here and not writing out by hand in my paper journal. Here is safe-guarding me from going too deep. Writing by hand in almost all situations gives rise to me pulling my hair out. While there are a whole host of reasons for me behind this type of SH, one is anger directed at myself that ought to be directed elsewhere and another is a general type of self-punishment for breaking family taboos e.g. speaking out (washing their dirty laundry in public)

It's also a lot harder for me to write in my paper journal. I get stuck, my brain closes down, I lose my train of thought, can't feel emotions and remain in thinking part of brain. Tho it has been getting a bit better recently, a sign of healing I'm sure.
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Deep Blue on October 11, 2018, 10:30:51 PM
Blueberry,
Iím with you on this.  Itís sometimes harder for me to write in a physical journal for 2 reasons.  1 because I shut down... similar to how you feel I think????  But also because Iím scared my T will have me read it out loud.  Iím not a fan of doing that.

I like how you said that you are getting better in this area and noted your progress.  Well done
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Blueberry on October 12, 2018, 05:09:00 PM
Thanks Deep Blue  :)

Yes, it sounds as if 'shutting down' might be what I'm doing.

I actually often read bits to my T, it helps me remember and focus on what's been going on in the interim 2, 3, 4 weeks. We all have different ways of surviving, different breakthroughs in healing. Different strengths you could say but I don't like seeing the other side of the coin as a weakness because it got there through injury, not intrinsic 'weakness'. 
Title: Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
Post by: Deep Blue on October 12, 2018, 07:55:56 PM
We all have different ways of surviving, different breakthroughs in healing. Different strengths you could say but I don't like seeing the other side of the coin as a weakness because it got there through injury, not intrinsic 'weakness'.

Well said! I agree with you here so much