:heythere:
Note: I appreciate comments, or even just a mark of sorts, to show you read my latest non-sender FOO letter. It's important to me to have witnesses. A few of you on here were helping me not send letters to FOO in about April-May 2017, and someone asked if I'd be posting on here when I write those letters, as non-senders. As of Sept. I've started writing again, adding on to the bottom of this thread. It's been cathartic and healing already.
Blueberry
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear M and F,
Thanks so much for teaching me not to set limits, any limits at all. No limits to women, no limits to men. Thanks for the sexual abuse. Thanks for blaming me for not entering into romantic relationships. Thanks for not seeing the connections between not being allowed to set limits and not entering romantic relationships. Thanks for making fun of me for avoiding rom.relationships like the plague. Thanks for teaching me not to trust my judgement at all. It makes functioning in the working world super easy, NOT. Thanks for allowing B1 to beat me up. Thanks for not believing me. Thanks for calling me a liar perpetually. Thanks for not protecting me. Thanks for telling me I was a useless burden. Thanks for continually telling me I was stupid. Thanks for making fun of the way I moved, the way I looked, the way I dressed, the way I ran, the way I stood, the way I laughed. Thanks for making fun of my very existence, right down into the core of my being. Thanks for leaping in to correct me and all my ways of expressing myself before I even had time to reflect on them myself. Thanks for criticising me for being self-conscious. Thanks for not noticing how I got so self-conscious.
Thanks for teaching me that making a mistake is life-threatening. Thanks for being so unpredictable. Thanks for disallowing emotions, except your own. Thanks for not hugging me. Thanks for using me to your own ends. Thanks for not forgiving, not even normal childhood misdemeanours. Thanks for telling me how fat I was (though I wasn't). Thanks for setting me up to believe that my muscles were fatty tissue. Thanks for blaming me for being favoured by a geographically very distant relative, especially since it wasn't even true. Thanks for taking up the issue with me as a child rather than with the adult relative. Thanks for leaving me to lie cold in bed at night and threatening to punish me when I tried to rectify the situation. Thanks for putting B1's feelings above mine, always.
Blueberry :hug:
I'm so sorry for all this.
Lingurine
Thank you here too, Lingurine.
The bad thing about my post is that I can list all this stuff but only in a kind of sarcastic way because I am of course not grateful. I would not want to thank anybody for doing any of these things to me, never mind the whole lot, but the only way I can list it as yet is as 'thanks'.
The good thing I've just realised is that I can list these things at all. I used not to be able to, I'd just blank continually, couldn't finish the sentences. Or if conceivably I didn't blank so much, I could only write by doing my semi-automatic self-harming as described over in the appropriate thread. It was so automatic that I wouldn't notice I'd stopped writing.
So having realised that, then a further step would be being able to feel anger and express that in writing instead of sarcastic thanks. At the moment it's good I managed to write at all. The anger will come when I'm ready.
I don't really feel that it's good, it's just a cognitive thing, but I'm going to give myself :applause: at least. And :cheer: even though it's hard to feel I deserve a cheer and I feel embarrassed. But that's why it's so important to give myself one!
Blueberry, you did nothing wrong, they did and that's so very important to remember I think. Sarcasm is IMO a healthy way to give words to your emotions. It is okay the way you did this. You are okay.
Lingurine
Thank you Lingurine! It's 3 months later and I can finally believe you, that the way I wrote my post was OK and that I am OK too.
Reading around the forum again to avoid writing what I came on to computer to write. I guess I need the reading around between writing in my Journal and here. To gather good energy and the feeling that you're all there, understanding me, while FOO doesn't.
Dear F,
Yes, I'm sad too. Sad that my reasons for very little communication are incomprehensible to you. I've explained as much as I could in the past. I can't explain more and I won't. Because it gets thrown back at me in some form or other.
I'm so sad that when I'm alone with you we can have quite a good time together, e.g. good conversations but that was before the last Horrendous Event. I'm sorry that the only adult member of FOO who wished there was some way I could stay on was an SIL. The rest of you were either easy on me leaving or positively helping me go. While I did appreciate you driving me a small part of my long journey home, I'd have appreciated it even more if there'd have been someone among my blood relations asking me if there wasn't some way I could stay. That would have involved somebody helping me stand up to the other SIL as I think everybody actually knew. You blew it, you threw it away, you nailed your own coffin shut. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I'm wise to your tricks too. I know you're sending Flying Monkeys. I know that when you say "I" you really mean "we". You're asking me partially to save M from pain, maybe even to avoid problems in your marriage. Yes, if you want me back, you'd have to look at your marriage, and my siblings would both have to look at their roles in the family, change their ways of dealing with M, so that the other SIL doesn't scapegoat me because she's not 'permitted' to say and do to M what she'd really like to. But she is to me. Yes, this SIL knows no one will protect me or even stand with me. It's pretty obvious really. And I'm not strong enough to take you all on at once. I decided some time after Horrendous Event that my state of health is more important to me than contact with any of you. There is no safe place for me within our family.
It's hard for me to write in case anybody in FOO reads this but I'm really really sad that I'll probably never see you again, F. I'm mourning the loss of you before you've even died because I know you'll never change. I know nothing in our FOO will ever change to allow me to be a part of it on my own terms. As an adult who can even ask for what I want. And who's not blamed for "everything going wrong". Things might not have got so far as the Horrendous Event if I'd felt able to ask for what I wanted: accommodation on my own. But I couldn't because I couldn't bear thinking about M's haranguing and postulating about the inconvenience of me being somewhere on my own without a car or a mobile phone. I know in the distant past you told me I have to learn to put up with those kinds of comments. Why?? Why can't and shouldn't M have to learn not to spew her anger and rage over who knows what onto me? I say "who knows what" because it's not really about the lack of a driving license or a mobile phone.
While we're about it, the lack of both have an awful lot to do with my upbringing, the emotional abuse that I can't even tell you about because you'd deny and not understand and wonder why neither of my siblings have these troubles. I know because that's what you've done in the past.
Anyway, I know why M doesn't have to learn to keep her comments to herself. But it's way too difficult to explain to somebody who can't look at the complexities of a dysfunctional family or even see that this is what we're dealing with here. Not only is it too difficult, but it's just not worth it. It won't change anything, it won't give me anything, except possibly remarks I've heard often enough, like I "have to get over this".
At or after the Horrendous Event you undoubtedly thought things would continue as always. Right at Horrendous Event I couldn't think straight enough to know they wouldn't either. I was putting all my powers into staying upright, into not dissociating, into not ending up in a trauma ward, into being able to function long enough to get home in one piece.
But pretty soon after I knew. That was it. All of you adults except the one SIL went one step too far. That was the one event too many. I'm really, really sad. And I'm saddest about you, but I'm not going back on my decision to protect myself. As my T surmised, I do love you and I know that there's a measure of that coming from you to me too but my loving you is really difficult for me. It always has been. The only way as an adult is to give part of myself up and I'm no longer willing to do that. I'm crying now. As a child giving part of myself up in order to feel your love and protection, such as it was, was necessary for my survival. But it isn't any more. In my childhood and lots later too I needed to feel and believe that at least one parent was there for me. If I'd rejected you, I would have lost paternal GrM too. That would have been unthinkable.
Sadly,
Blueberry
I wasn't sure, after reading this this morning, if you wanted replies since this was a letter to FOO. But then I saw your newer post saying you'd appreciate comments, so here I am. :)
You are strong and brave to examine your emotions around your F and your whole FOO in general. Braver still to face them by putting them down in writing. It takes a chunk out of you, doesn't it? But every time you recognize that they are at least part - if not all - of the problem, the truth that it's not your fault sinks in a little deeper. Bravo, Blueberry! Job well done.
There is so much sadness and anger here, it's good that you're able to put it into words. Even if it is "just"here on the forum.
Your desicion that this was the Last Straw, and that your health comes first is an incredible brave desicion to make. I hope when the sadness gives way a little that you can feel proud of yourself. If not, allow me to be proud of you.
:bighug:
Thank you so much, 3Roses and Sceal! Since F himself will never read this, it's important for me that other people do, and it's healing when somebody cares to leave a comment.
I heard a long time ago that we need witnesses to our pain, fear, anger... in order to heal. Somebody who hears now even if nobody heard then. Group therapy can be a good place for witnesses but so far that hasn't been enough for me. Anyway, the stuff in the letter to F contains new realizations and especially a new level of pain and sadness. I haven't been in any kind of group healing retreat for a year.
Although I talked about the feeling re: F in last therapy session and cried (which is unusual for me), it was an additional step to write it out here. Written makes it more concrete, in my native language it goes deeper than in my therapist's language too. That makes a difference. I cried again while writing the letter. As I say that's unusual, it's hard for me to reach my tears, but I did and I know that's healing.
Thank you for feeling proud of me, Sceal :hug: I'm not that far along yet that I can feel pride, but at least I don't feel shame. That is huge! :cheer: What I do feel in addition is relief. I have a bit more energy again, I'm looking after myself better, I have more motivation to do things I think I ought to or even things I want to. My therapist says that when I block emotions or expression of those emotions, I block a lot of other stuff too. He's right, I've been observing that through my body language and breathing patterns etc. over the past year.
You're right 3Roses, the more I recognise FOO's part in all this, the more I see of the truth that it's not my fault. I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. It's good to write that out!
I'll give myself a few :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: My favourites!
Quote from: Blueberry on September 24, 2017, 05:27:16 PM
Thank you so much, 3Roses and Sceal! Since F himself will never read this, it's important for me that other people do, and it's healing when somebody cares to leave a comment.
I heard a long time ago that we need witnesses to our pain, fear, anger... in order to heal. Somebody who hears now even if nobody heard then. Group therapy can be a good place for witnesses but so far that hasn't been enough for me. Anyway, the stuff in the letter to F contains new realizations and especially a new level of pain and sadness. I haven't been in any kind of group healing retreat for a year.
I can relate to the feeling that it's healing when someone notices your pain, and leaves a comment. I've been thinking about this, with witnesses. Well, sort of anyway. More on the fact that keeping everything locked up, and hidden deep down inside as dark, dark secrets has created nothing more than poison for our minds and bodies. And that by writing here, braving to put words, and sharing some of it, it's like forcing the poison out of me. For for the poison to really leave, the witnesses are in order. I haven't quite figured out that bit yet, but it seems quite important.
Quote from: Blueberry on September 24, 2017, 05:27:16 PM
Although I talked about the feeling re: F in last therapy session and cried (which is unusual for me), it was an additional step to write it out here. Written makes it more concrete, in my native language it goes deeper than in my therapist's language too. That makes a difference. I cried again while writing the letter. As I say that's unusual, it's hard for me to reach my tears, but I did and I know that's healing.
Thank you for feeling proud of me, Sceal :hug: I'm not that far along yet that I can feel pride, but at least I don't feel shame. That is huge! :cheer: What I do feel in addition is relief. I have a bit more energy again, I'm looking after myself better, I have more motivation to do things I think I ought to or even things I want to. My therapist says that when I block emotions or expression of those emotions, I block a lot of other stuff too. He's right, I've been observing that through my body language and breathing patterns etc. over the past year.
You're right 3Roses, the more I recognise FOO's part in all this, the more I see of the truth that it's not my fault. I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. It's good to write that out!
I'll give myself a few :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: My favourites!
I think some things, the things that sit so deep inside, and hurt us so much, requires a lot more talking than just one session with a T. So there's no wonder that writing it out makes a difference. I don't dare to write in my native language, as you say, that sits even deeper. It carries more meaning in a way. Brave of you to do so! Truly!
:hug: I can understand it's hard to feel pride of onesself. But it is really good to hear you do not carry the shame. That is indeed huge!
Blueberry:
Thank you for posting your letter. I relate. I have some of this work to do myself and it helps so much to see this brave work.
Thank you for commenting, rbswan. As I wrote, having witnesses, feeling seen and heard are so important to me and my healing.
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Another letter
Dear F,
I do appreciate the photo of little niece. But how to tell you without that encouraging you to do more :hoovering: :hoovering: because that's partly what you're doing. Maybe unconsciously. I don't know. Or partly unconsciously. Probably you're thinking it's nice for me to have a photo of niece, it is. But the fact that I don't otherwise have contact with her and don't usually get photos anymore is just one more symptom of our dysfunctional family. Something that - sad as it is that contact with my niece and god-daughter is going to probably peter out - could only be changed if B2 and SIL2 looked at their contribution to the family dysfunction, and it doesn't sound or look as if they are. *, SIL2 shouldn't even be a part of it. She should have stayed out like SIL1. But she didn't. And she attacked me instead of M, as mentioned in previous letter, because the former is permitted and the latter isn't to the degree that she'd like to do it. So sad as it is that little niece will de-facto lose a godparent and an aunt, it's not my responsibility.
I know in one way or another you'd all like to maneuvre me back into that position. Blueberry, you're causing problems again. Problems in so-and-so's marriage, problems here, problems there. But no, you all have responsibility too. But there I am again beginning to JADE, trying to explain things that none of you are capable of understanding and even if you were, none of you seem willing to take any steps to relieve me of the burden of changing it all. Because those steps would involve you lot making changes. You don't want to. You lot say things like "Oh, weeeeeelllllllll" or "Tough-o" to me. And that's meant to be enough for me to hear?? :doh: :doh: :doh: - that's for you.
I'm taking responsibility for me, for me and my life and my health. Sadly, it's not possible for me to take responsibility for that and retain any form of meaningful contact with you, or with little niece.
Blueberry
M,
I hate you! You did so many awful things to me in my childhood, teenage years, continuing on into adulthood. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!!
It's good that I wrote that long Unsent Letter to F at the top of this thread because i've just been able to re-read it after reading an email from F, in which he asks if we can have a phone chat sometime soonish.
No, we can't, for all the reasons above.
To B2,
And your plan was?? No plan undoubtedly, except that you didn't plan on me hearing that at all. You forgot that B1 would pass it on.
Speechlessly, Blueberry
- - - - - --- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I imagine that being VVVLC should mean that the thoughts of FOO should cease to churn around, that I should let them go and fill my head with thoughts of other people and things and places. But today I'm not managing.
Though as I've commented to other people on here, there is no "should" to feelings and therefore no "should" to where I am in my process. So if I'm going through another phase of grieving my lack of a real family (and not just family in name only), then it makes sense that these thoughts are churning around again.
It's time I wrote some more letters. They tend to churn around in my head and when I try and write them down they disappear. But I imagine that quite soon I'll be getting them down on 'paper'. No wonder I feel so exhausted atm.
Me too Blueberry - I am also intending to write some more 'letters not to send' - :hug: to you. :)
Hope :)
F,
You ask "Why are you doing this to us?"
Why have I reduced contact to occasional emails?? Um, have you forgotten that the last two times I had FOO contact to anybody more than you alone I left early after crying for hours? Have you forgotten - or did you just not notice at the time - that GCBro was reported to have said he wanted nothing more to do with me since I was going to ruin the family holiday?? You're seriously wondering why I don't want contact with anybody after that?? I guess you've forgotten or didn't notice the nice things I did for you and M in the early part of that holiday. Instead you tell me how hurt M is because I've set her a boundary since then. I'm just flabbergasted at the amount of cluelessness in our family.
Since you refuse to understand anything I say to you, always denying or finding some hole in the logic, can't you at least understand the language of emotions? It actually takes an awful lot to get me to cry as an adult. Congratulations, contact with FOO does it every time. And you wonder why I don't want contact with any of you!
Why on earth would I want contact with a bunch of people who think it's fine for me to end up in tears for days? And to have no one of my adult blood relations seeing if there's not a way for me to stay on? I was absolutely devastated last time I had contact with all of you. It makes me feel even worse that you apparently put no importance on this. So it's just a repeat of "Oh well, Blueberry is crying as she always did as a child." And apparently now not having either of you or M thinking that could have anything to do with the current situation?
I am sick of the treatment of me in our family!! Sick of it. I have had enough! You shelter M from my feelings, you sheltered and protected B1 from her feelings when he was young, but me? No. I just heard rounds of: "you have to learn to put up with other people". I don't actually. Especially not people who treat me the way you do and don't see anything wrong with this.
F,
FWIW I do appreciate that you drove me as far as the nearest mainish line train station rather than having me navigate that part of the journey on rural bus routes. It made the whole thing seem a little less like I was just being dumped, sent off home while everybody else moved onto the rest of the holiday. I also remember you standing on the platform as my train left and you looked sad. But you still don't understand that your behaviour contributes to this situation! How on earth could you stand there and think: "how sad, but we'll see Blueberry some other time."?? I don't think you will. And I'm so sad about this too. I'm crying while I write this.
Brought up the way I was by you and M, I've been feeling guilty on and off for months about not having written to thank you for the trip to the mainish line station, though undoubtedly I thanked you at the time. That's so perverse. There are so many other unexpressed feelings in our FOO, so many that have caused all this chaos and I'm worried about not writing 'gratitude' in this aspect. Shake head in disbelief at self.
Sending you huge, safe, comforting hugs! You are worthy of being treated well. I'm glad to know you. :hug:
Me too, I am very happy to know you, Blueberry - and :hug: to you on writing your letters.
Hope :)
Thank you 3Roses and Hope. It means a lot. :grouphug:
:hug:
blueberry, you brave soul. glad to see you're getting the poison out.
again, this stuff makes no sense cuz, in reality, it's nonsense. there is no sense to it. we've tried to make sense of it for so long, finally discovering it's not in our power. like trying to make a skyscraper on a foundation of pudding.
loving hug to you blueberry.
To B1,
You phoned. I'm going to put here what I might have said if a) I hadn't been slightly dissociated and b) I hadn't been protecting myself from further FOO damage.
(Quite a bit of it I've already posted on here to other FOO members. You're somewhat interchangeable. )
I didn't talk about me. I think actually you might have noticed a difference to earlier calls, from before Horrendous Event. I let you flounder around. Yes, it was quite nice to speak to the little ones but you made your decision last time I saw you in person whose side you're on and it definitely wasn't mine. That means your little ones won't have much contact with me. Because contact with you and our generation and older generations in FOO is too damaging to me.
In a healthy FOO, it might be possible to be neutral and not take sides. You thought you were being neutral, possibly. But you weren't. You were enabling our SIL against me. Thanks. You were gaslighting. My T says your methods are great at shutting down any discourse there could be on behaviour in FOO. Shutting me down. Shutting me up.
I'm so angry and so upset, so hurt! When M said things to you when you were a young adult, F waded in (in my hearing) and told M if she ever wanted contact with you again, she'd better apologise! She did. But nobody does that for me. You search around for reasons to support our SIL, why she's right and I was wrong. If you had been supporting your own wife, I could understand it, but your and my SIL?? Sure, you don't want any problems with our other B. I'm expendable. I'm very far away.
And so far I've never managed to adequately protect myself in FOO or have barriers up for long enough. i've come crawling back eventually. It might have taken years, but I did eventually. I won't again though. You phoned today. I didn't phone you. I'm remembering too a time in the long ago past when you decided to hug me because I was going away for months. I didn't want your hug, I put up with it. You're an abuser and an enabler. Some time I'll be strong enough to put up a boundary that you'll recognise as one. Maybe. Or maybe you'll just never recognise?? My T says empathy is obviously not your strong point. Up till recently, some of me has been looking up to you. Some ICs or ITeens. Still looking up to older B for protection and for support, somehow ignoring the physical abuse. Cuz "it wasn't often". Or I "wasn't really hurt". No, those are FOO excuses. Probably ignoring the physical abuse because it was the only way to exist in FOO and still is. I can only exist in FOO if I try and pretend everything's fine. But it isn't fine!!! So I've got that straight now. I can only exist in FOO if I pretend the abuse - emotional, verbal, psychological, physical and CSA - didn't take place. I know you didn't do the last, but you did everything else. So, I can't have respect for myself and exist in FOO. Slowly but surely, I'm choosing respect for myself.
You said before, last time I re-connected with M and F that they'd have you to reckon with if they went back to their old behaviour. I hoped during Horrendous Event that you'd protect me from SIL2. You wouldn't, so it got more horrendous. In fact, instead you passed on this
Quote from: Blueberry on November 18, 2017, 07:06:00 PM
B2 wanted nothing more to do with me since I was going to ruin the family holiday.
And that's somehow OK to pass on? My T is right. Empathy is sorely lacking. Though you expect it from other people. But I can't change anybody in FOO, or anywhere else. Only go NC or do MC and grey rock. It was those last two I was practising in the phone call.
Quote from: Blueberry on November 18, 2017, 07:06:00 PM
It actually takes an awful lot to get me to cry as an adult. Congratulations, contact with FOO does it every time.
I suppose for you
Quote from: Blueberry on November 18, 2017, 07:06:00 PMit's just a repeat of "Oh well, Blueberry is crying as she always did as a child."
I am a bit sad to no longer have contact with the little ones or even with your wife. She seems the healthiest of our generation and she was the only adult who asked if I could somehow stay on. But her loyalties are naturally to you, and I won't get in between.
Quote from: Blueberry on November 18, 2017, 07:06:00 PM
I am sick of the treatment of me in our family!! Sick of it. I have had enough! I heard rounds of: "you have to learn to put up with other people". I don't actually. Especially not people who treat me the way you do and don't see anything wrong with this.
The "you have to put up with..." is what you said about me and SIL2. You said she's not going to change, implying that I have to. I'm doing so. Just not quite the way you were or are expecting. You've lost me. I have a FOO in name only. The reverse applies: you have a sister in name only. The little ones have an aunt in name only. M and F have a daughter in name only. You all made your decision. I'm hanging on for the money.
Blueberry
It's good I've been re-reading this thread again, not just to see how useless contact with FOO is but also to see:
Quote from: Blueberry on September 24, 2017, 05:27:16 PM
What I do feel in addition is relief. I have a bit more energy again, I'm looking after myself better, I have more motivation to do things I think I ought to or even things I want to. My therapist says that when I block emotions or expression of those emotions, I block a lot of other stuff too. He's right, I've been observing that through my body language and breathing patterns etc. over the past year.
B1, I reiterate: I want to be left in peace. Full stop.
Blueberry
_____________________________________
There's nothing more to say, I find.
It didn't take long for the hatred I expressed here to evolve. For quite a while now M has mostly been playing a much lesser role in my thoughts and feelings. She is much less 'around'. Sometimes she comes back, but last time in T I sent her off with the strength of my anger. Just the feeling of anger and knowing it was towards her allowed me to move the obstacle of her from my path, in the visualisation.
Possibly this previous expression of hatred helped set all that in motion.
Quote from: Blueberry on October 17, 2017, 11:40:17 PM
M,
I hate you! You did so many awful things to me in my childhood, teenage years, continuing on into adulthood. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!!
To B2,
I'm angry and I'm upset. You're never going to read this so I can use the words I want.
I left the family holiday because of your and your wife's actions and you dared to phone me at home a few weeks later as if nothing had happened, as if everything was the same as it had been before.
With the amount of triangulation that goes on in our family, you knew full well why I was leaving. How dare you phone and just pretend everything's normal!
I'm upset because you did and said all sorts of things behind my back. You never let on what you thought of me. You pretended something different. Even when you phoned after Horrendous Event, you didn't let on that things might be different. Even recently when I emailed you about one of the children, you responded with "Nice to hear from you." That's a lie. How can it be 'nice' to hear from a sib you accused of ruining the family holiday? How does that add up? Unless you're thinking you can reel me back in with that? But you can't. Not anymore. You crossed a line at Horrendous Event. You went one step too far.
The only way to normalise contact would be if you and everybody else in FOO went into counselling to figure out all your roles in the family dysfunction and then started working on changing. As if that's going to happen. It's not. It would be a wonder if any of the males in the family did that. So there won't be any normalisation of contact. Forget it.
What on earth were you thinking about your d?? She's my godchild. You asked me if I would be godmother at a time when you were fully aware I have psychological problems. I take the role of godmother seriously, but I'm taking my own health even more seriously. So it didn't occur to you that I might fight back at some time, I might say "No! I'm not putting up with this anymore!!" This also being your wife thinking it acceptable to slip 'mental health issues' into the conversation at random intervals in front of M and F's guests and me too of course. I'm not contacting your wife about this. You're hearing it instead. You pretended to be nice, caring brother before Horrendous Event, never stating directly that I was stressing you. I know you'd say that you were showing me indirectly and that I was too clueless to pick up on it. Actually I'm not clueless. You have to say these things, you can't just expect people to pick up on it. Especially somebody you hardly ever see face-to-face.
It's hard for me to know what you were thinking about the relationship between me and your d. Maybe you thought you could get away with your behaviour and once I was back in my own country, nice and far away from all you lot, your d and I would revert to the contact of before: occasional phone calls, and me sending cards and presents.
Or maybe you regret asking me to be godmother and so you don't really care what the results are. If so, that's terrible on account of your d! But I can't change that. I can't cure our family dysfunction, the habit of lying and blaming. Because that's what you'd be doing if you were to tell d I'm not contacting her the way I used to because I have mental health issues or something along those lines.
I'm not contacting her by phone because it would mean speaking to you or even worse your wife. I'm done with your wife. She may be your wife, but to me she's just an IL and a nasty one at that. I'm done with putting up with her rudeness and spitefulness and nastiness to me. You know, before Horrendous Event, I did intend to try and visit you some day on your own turf, mostly in order to see your d's of course. I won't now. No way am I ever going into somebody's house who thinks it's OK to drop 'mental health issues' around the conversation (your wife) or who is not capable of telling me my presence is unwanted, even when I give the opportunity on a silver platter (you).
That's the other thing I'm so angry about: I asked you if it was really OK for M and F to be putting me in your FOC's accommodation. You said it was. I found that a bit hard to believe but didn't press the issue. Then I found out from a) your behaviour and b) from B1 after the blow-up that you were far from happy. Guess what? 'Mental health issues' deriving from dysfunctional families can make stating this kind of truth "yeah, you're right Blueberry, me and my wife, we don't want you staying in our accommodation" pretty difficult. I'm so angry that you don't even see that you have a problem! Sure, it would've been really good if I had been able to say to M: "no, not appropriate, I need separate accommodation", but it's very difficult. It's a symptom of these 'mental health issues'. I'm working on them. You have them too, otherwise you would have been able to say "No way" to M, or she wouldn't even have asked you to begin with. Yeah, you have them too, just a milder form. So long as you keep blaming me, you'll never see a reason to work on your own. In fact you won't even see them. I'm so angry you seem to think it's acceptable to blame me for the whole FOO dysfunction.
To M,
I'd like to express that I appreciate that you have made some changes in your behaviour towards me and that you seem to have realised one or two things. This is hearkening back to the last FOO event. No idea what changes you may or may not have made since.
Thank you for allowing me to cry without slagging me off about it or insulting me or yelling at me or telling me to shut up. I realise that's a big change for you, big progress. Unfortunately, it's not enough of a change for me. You advised me not to talk about what I was talking about at the time because "it was obviously upsetting me". It wasn't actually upsetting me. I was already totally upset at all that had transpired in the past idk 24-48 hours. By speaking about it, I was finding an outlet. Crying was another outlet. I couldn't not cry, it was all so terrible for me. I was upset at B1's refusal to help me, at what B1 told me of B2's remarks about me and that B2's remarks to B1were like a betrayal, I was upset labout SIL2's behaviour and remarks towards me.
You still seem to think you know more than I do about emotional matters in general and about my own emotional matters in particular. :stars: :pissed:
Maybe my talking was upsetting you? And instead of reverting to yelling at me or any of that, you decided to try a different tack? I doubt that though. I think if you'd been upset, you'd have reverted to old behaviour. No, I really think you still believe you know better than me. Despite you and everybody else in FOO being wrong about me for decades. You just don't see it. And nobody in FOO other than B1 has ever apologised for anything. Sorry, I'm misremembering and concealing the truth. Once a number of years ago you said something like even if somebody had made mistakes in bringing up children, there wasn't anything you could do about it later. So maybe that was an admittance and an apology of sorts from you? But it wasn't a real apology.
The other change I noticed at Horrendous Event is that you actually complimented me on my appearance instead of criticising! Wow. OTOH you didn't do so until I was really upset and was sitting crying at your table. You can be supportive these days sometimes, but you wait till I'm in a totally bad state. It's progress for you. It's a change. But it's way too little, way too late.
_____________________________
Adding on Feb. 21st
Another change I remember now: You actually agreed at the time that I was in no fit state to be dealing with SIL2 and her vitriol. Why then for **?#%* sake did nobody in FOO including you think it might be appropriate to try and protect me from her?? And why can none of you make the connection now?? Answer: Cuz you never thought I'd clear out and say "Enough! I've had it with you guys."
Maybe you genuinely believed that since I wasn't in a fit state to be dealing with SIL2, (I think you even agreed that I was far too vulnerable,) maybe you genuinely believed everything would be OK for me if I went home again and that at some point in the future when I was feeling less vulnerable, I'd be fine putting up with SIL2's vitriol the way you decide to? But you're wrong. I repeat, I've had it with you guys! I'm my own person and it's totally OK for me to decide a different way of reacting.
Hi Blueberry,
That is a really well put together letter - just wanted to say that. Really expresses things, and :hug: to you.
Hope :)
Thank you Hope :)
______________________________________
And another one:
B1,
Idk if this should be more a letter to you or to me or to both.
I treated you with gratitude because you were the only one in FOO to apologise to me a) for what you did and b) on behalf of the family as a whole for what it did as a unit. Because M and F never apologised for anything, this seemed huge. And so I was grateful.
I now realise that gratitude was the wrong reaction. It left me vulnerable in a still-disordered family. It left me vulnerable to attack from our mutual SIL. It left me looking up to you still; still the little sister looking to her big brother for protection.
You did protect me when I was small, you protected me from much bigger children who would have beat me up. In that way, you made M's life easier. Without you, she would have needed to collect me from school every day the way another mother did her child in my class. But because you protected me outside the home, you were somehow then allowed to treat me as you wanted in the home. M said so. That was always her reason: "well he protects you at school". Brilliant. So you got to decide how to treat me at home instead as compensation.
M was paying you off because you relieved her of arduous work (collecting a 6 year old from school). It wasn't just that year either. You continued to treat me as you wanted and M continued to trot out her excuse long after you ever needed to protect me, long after we were in different schools and lived in other parts of town.
You've helped me financially on and off since then. I thought it was because you'd changed. But I know now after Horrendous Event that nobody in FOO has really changed. So you were playing Generous Big Brother and I was grateful. But still not treated as a proper human being with own thoughts and emotions and just as much right to proper treatment in FOO as you. I'm done with gratitude now!
_______________________________________________
To SIL2,
I'm so angry at your treatment of me. I'm hurt too. I see your manipulation now. Your attempts to curry favour with me when I first got to know you.
I'm jealous of you too, I admit it. You're an alpha female in my FOO. What you think and do is oh so much more important and more believed than what I think and believe. You know that. You know you can treat me how you like and nobody will curb your behaviour or stand up for me.
You think you're so knowledgeable about human characteristics, human relations and about psychology because you did a course on it during college. Your branch of medicine has nothing whatsoever to do with psychology and psychiatry! But you think you know it all and unfortunately my Bs both believe you. I know far more about what I suffer and similar aspects of psychology than you do.
You're similar to M. You think you're a perfect person, you can't imagine how you could be like M, but you are. The scathing remarks, the put-downs, the inability to put yourself in another person's shoes, manipulation, gaslighting. You put words in my mouth. I think you're a BPD Queen/Witch combo. So much is about appearance for you. When I dropped something on the floor and made a little noise before a family event started, you shot me a look. If looks could kill.... During the event a non-related person dropped something and made a noise. You sniggered. Then I understood your reaction to me. You saw me as an embarrassment to you because I was in your 'party', an extension of you. Not that people round about would have known. And you snigger about somebody who's not in your party. You fit well with FOO, who divide the world up into us and them or winners and losers. If you don't divide people up like that, you can look at people and rejoice at the good things that happen to them instead of sniggering at their slip-ups.
No wonder I'm so triggered around you. For M, I'm part of her entourage too. She couldn't see me as a separate entity, I don't think she can now either. She felt embarrassed by me. But you're triggered by me too. Instead of accepting me the way I am, you push me around like M did and does, try and manipulate me, try and push me into things I don't want to do.
I tried with you. I put up with all sorts of stuff from you for the sake of your H, my B, and so as not to create a fuss, the way we're not meant to in my FOO, or because I was a guest in your house.
__________________________________________________________________
But I'm back in my head, whereas my feelings are :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :blowup: and :bawl:
To F,
I've been thinking about you since yesterday, since I saw in the news that there was a bad road accident near you. Would I be ready for you just to die? No, I wouldn't actually. I'm not healed enough for that. Unfortunately, there isn't a way round this. I wish I could talk to you and you would understand. But I've tried often enough. I know you can't understand or don't want to. You "can't" means you're "not able to". It doesn't mean I haven't been explaining properly. Unfortunately you believe the latter and so does M.
I still miss part of you. People round about here used to tell me you obviously did me good because when you visited I was less depressive, I smiled more. That was before I realised how much you were stabbing me in the back, that was before I finally knew that you were never going to support me when somebody else's interests got in the way.
Apparently it's normal to side with your spouse against your adult children, or at least to be on the same page as them. You're not actually always on the same page as M when you're with me on your own and she's not always on the same page as you. You never have been, you spent my childhood fighting with each other about things small and large, but not about the really important stuff - M's treatment of us kids. So you're meant to be on the same page as M, but that doesn't mean you have to fight her battles for her. She ought to be able to deal with her own against me. Everybody else in FOO including you expects me to fight my own battles or put up with everything and everybody more like. But certainly, there's nobody in FOO who will fight my battles with or for me. Nobody who will stand up for me against my sibs or sister-in-law, or against M.
It's good that I wrote that out because now I feel less sad and weepy. Not that I was crying, I just wished I could.
I haven't heard from you since I sent you a limit. But I'm getting used to that a bit. If I set a limit in FOO, it's accepted now but whichever FOO member (or other ones too) retaliate with even more versions of silent treatment. I'd be going against my better judgement if I told you that my limit-setting is done to protect myself and my very shaky emotional state from you all. Whereas you apparently don't need to protect yourself from me, you're just retaliating. Like way back in my teens where you and M both reacted like so "You don't want to be addressed by your nickname, so we won't use it". Me: "I don't want B to use it, it's not appropriate for somebody who beats me up." You still stopped using my nickname. That hurt me at the time. It was as if you couldn't separate yourselves from him, as if you were hurting me to get back at me 'hurting' him. Though I was just setting the only limit I could to show I didn't approve of the way he was treating me. Later came "You're not speaking to your brother?? Then we're not speaking to you."
You guys are so messed up. I am too unfortunately. If I weren't anymore this wouldn't still make me sad. :'( :'(
Blueberry
Dear SIL1,
I feel moved to tears when I read your last email. Telling you that would just make me even more vulnerable in FOO however. But you are the only adult in FOO who seems to understand a bit and the only one who seems to wish me well. The only one not going in for retaliation along the lines of: "you set a boundary?? Now I'm setting you an even more drastic one." The only one who seems to understand green when I say green, instead of understanding yellow or even purple.
I think when you write "Love" to close an email, you actually mean it, or at least you have some appreciation of me as a person. You don't treat me as family scapegoat. Mostly I appreciate that you seem to stick to what you told me years ago: you just have to try and get on with your in-laws, you don't have to reform them. Which means you're not trying to reform me and attempt to prevent me from rocking the family boat or anything like that.
I really, really appreciate this. I also appreciate that you sometimes send me a reply or a couple of sentences about your boys or a pic or two. Of course SIL2 doesn't get a chance because I don't send her any correspondence at all any more. There's a reason for that though. There's a reason, a good one (!), for me continuing to send the occasional email to you and B1, both together.
This is really not to send. I wish I could tell you this, but I can't. I don't want to triangulate or drive a wedge between you and B1/your H. That's not fair to you or your relationship to him. Probably it wouldn'T be fair to him either, though I'm not really too concerned about fairness to him. It's not as if he's too concerned with fairness towards me. If it weren't for your boys, I probably wouldn't try with either of you. Keeping contact with your H is more about the boys, with you it's both about that and because I genuinely appreciate how you're treating me, which is better than any of my close blood relations do.
BB
To B1,
You're really weird, you know? Since I would never write this to you, I can word it how I want.
I remember at the end of Horrendous FOO Event no. 2, you said your boys would "get over" me leaving early and them not seeing me for the rest of FOO holiday, though they'd been told they'd have a whole further week with me, and also that they'd get over not even getting to say 'Goodbye' to me, not finding out I was going till I was already gone.
Now you're intimating that your youngest little one still remembers and talks about me. You know, maybe he didn't get over it quite the way you expected? Maybe the Scapegoat Aunt is more important than you think? Both your boys were enjoying their time with me at Horrendous FOO Event, before it got really horrendous. I could tell the way they were reacting and telling me about their favourite things and asking me about how things are where I live. I could tell just the way they trusted me.
Well, I can't change how you think or see it. They are your boys, you decide how you deal with them and me. I appreciate that you do send a pic from time to time if I ask. It's just I mentioned in passing at Horrendous FOO Event what your older boy asked me about the previous time he'd seen me - that was something he'd carried around with him for four years before asking me. I can't tell you why he didn't ask you, but it just shows how much children notice when the adults around them think they don't. So God knows what your children are carrying around from the aftermath of Horrendous FOO Event. You seemed to assume they wouldn't carry anything. :stars:
They're your children, you get to decide who they interact with. Even though you've always said your oldest one has a keen sense of who his FOO is and that his extended FOO is important to him, you threw away his chance of having meaningful contact with one aunt. Like with everybody else in FOO, I suppose you never thought that would happen. You probably didn't imagine for a minute I might finally stand up for myself and think to myself "I and my well-being are even more important to me than contact to FOO, even to my nieces and nephews." And then that I'd act on that.
Blueberry
I wrote a missive here to one B but since my T has OK'd it as me not throwing myself under a bus, I've removed it and will be sending it.
The 'blank' after writing it just seemed to be the usual fear that I was exposing myself too much to criticism and/or attack from FOO.
_________________________
Then I'm blank, but that's why I'm taking this to T tomorrow.
:thumbup:
Having sent that one, I went on to send two more FOO missives and another two non-FOO emails. As usual doing one difficult-to-do task made it easier to do a few more. I even still have my email open. This is new. Up till now I've usually closed it to protect myself from a response, though one has never come that fast before. some time ago I'd even turn off the computer and leave the room. Small steps, small steps.
:cheer:
The FOO email I wrote and sent a couple of weeks ago was to a sib about contact to his children, me asking for a bit more, especially to get email photo send-outs of my godchild, same as her other close relations and her non-related godparent do. The result: (sigh) more contact from various FOO mbrs. No phone calls, they haven't breached that rule, but Christmas wishes and cards and chit-chat, and asking for information.
I know this is all a process, so I don't have yet to decide what to do about any of this. I might get to the point where I let contact with my godchild go for the sake of my own health.
The latest email photo send-out includes one of SIL2 all by herself. If I had it as a printout, I'd tear it up or even snip it up into little pieces. Not that I'd ever attack her physically and in fact I can't even stand up for myself verbally towards her or rather the powers-that-be in FOO don't allow it. But I still have to figure out if I can detach it from the other photo. I'm not too talented at computer stuff. If I can detach it, I'd probably just delete it and then have the photo of my nieces with a few other people in the photo. Those other people aren't my faves either but I can choose to put up with them for the nice photo of the little ones. Those other people don't invoke quite such bad feelings in me as SIL2, though maybe they should and maybe that will come.
To B2,
You sent me a chit-chat email recently. I asked for more contact with your daughter, my god-daughter, not with you. When I read that email, I'm enraged :pissed: :pissed: How can you?? How dare you just write to me as if nothing happened in FOO 2 1/2 years ago? As if you did nothing? As if you didn't mention anything like me "ruining the family holiday"? How dare you pretend you're still caring younger brother? Why on earth do you think you know more about that pressing political problem than I do anyway?? It doesn't affect you. Why are you giving me suggestions? Don't you think I might have figured out what to do about it all by myself?? :blowup:
____________________________
I'm not really feeling the anger, but having started to express, maybe more will come later.
Another email today from enF and my answer hasn't changed much. Not that I'm sending this, but it's what I feel now.
Quote from: Blueberry on September 23, 2017, 01:21:45 AM
Dear F,
I've explained as much as I could in the past. I can't explain more and I won't. Because it gets thrown back at me in some form or other.
I'm so sad that when I'm alone with you we can have quite a good time together, e.g. good conversations but that was before the last Horrendous Event. I'm sorry that the only adult member of FOO who wished there was some way I could stay on was an SIL. The rest of you were either easy on me leaving or positively helping me go. While I did appreciate you driving me a small part of my long journey home, I'd have appreciated it even more if there'd have been someone among my blood relations asking me if there wasn't some way I could stay. That would have involved somebody helping me stand up to the other SIL as I think everybody actually knew. You blew it, you threw it away, you nailed your own coffin shut. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I'm wise to your tricks too. I know you're sending Flying Monkeys. I know that when you say "I" you really mean "we". You're asking me partially to save M from pain, maybe even to avoid problems in your marriage. Yes, if you want me back, you'd have to look at your marriage, and my siblings would both have to look at their roles in the family, change their ways of dealing with M, so that the other SIL doesn't scapegoat me because she's not 'permitted' to say and do to M what she'd really like to. But she is to me. Yes, this SIL knows no one will protect me or even stand with me. It's pretty obvious really. And I'm not strong enough to take you all on at once. I decided some time after Horrendous Event that my state of health is more important to me than contact with any of you. There is no safe place for me within our family.
I know nothing in our FOO will ever change to allow me to be a part of it on my own terms. As an adult who can even ask for what I want. And who's not blamed for "everything going wrong". Things might not have got so far as the Horrendous Event if I'd felt able to ask for what I wanted: accommodation on my own. But I couldn't because I couldn't bear thinking about M's haranguing and postulating about the inconvenience of me being somewhere on my own without a car or a mobile phone. I know in the distant past you told me I have to learn to put up with those kinds of comments. Why?? Why can't and shouldn't M have to learn not to spew her anger and rage over who knows what onto me? I say "who knows what" because it's not really about the lack of a driving license or a mobile phone.
Anyway, I know why M doesn't have to learn to keep her comments to herself. But it's way too difficult to explain to somebody who can't look at the complexities of a dysfunctional family or even see that this is what we're dealing with here. Not only is it too difficult, but it's just not worth it. It won't change anything, it won't give me anything, except possibly remarks I've heard often enough, like I "have to get over this".
At or after the Horrendous Event you undoubtedly thought things would continue as always. Right at Horrendous Event I couldn't think straight enough to know they wouldn't either. I was putting all my powers into staying upright, into not dissociating, into not ending up in a trauma ward, into being able to function long enough to get home in one piece.
But pretty soon after I knew. That was it. All of you adults except the one SIL went one step too far. That was the one event too many.
Blueberry
The difference this time is that I'm not feeling much.
Blueberry,
I've often thought we have very very similar families and experiences..this is another proof of that. I'm so sorry as I feel your pain and experience so poignantly. I believe you, as I can so relate. I'm so sorry for your experience and the child that didn't get to be a child or develop in a healthy way because of your FOO's selfishness. They took it away, and now WE get ALL of ourselves. They can't have any of us anymore.
With Love and Understanding,
Phoebes
Thank you Phoebes, that means a lot. :hug:
Quote from: Phoebes on June 03, 2019, 03:40:29 PM
I'm so sorry for your experience and the child that didn't get to be a child or develop in a healthy way because of your FOO's selfishness.
Phoebes, when I first read this part I thought "but I did get to be a child" because I wasn't one of those children who looked after a whole troupe of younger sibs and who had to do all the housework and care for alcoholic parents and go out to work at 14 years to put food on the table. Now while I write that list, I'm reminded of a response I got once on OOTF about parents (like mine) comparing themselves to parents in a completely different social strata or with quite simply different problems. I'm still down-playing what was done to me using the words and thoughts of my parents and grandparents and to some degree my brothers.
Phoebes, through your comment I get to understand there are more ways to be a child than just playing. I
was able to play but there was an awful lot I missed out on otherwise that is part of being a child, like being safe enough in my emotional surroundings to develop.
Quote from: Blueberry on June 03, 2019, 12:21:56 PM
Another email today from enF and my answer hasn't changed much. Not that I'm sending this, but it's what I feel now.
So I wrote a response yesterday and sent it. Now I'm going to write what I would have liked to have written:
Hello F,
I'm so angry that you keep trying to get more information out of me. Why can't you just leave me alone??! I responded to make sure you didn't attempt to phone me 'out of worry' or try to get information about me out of friends of mine, or out of the husband of a friend of mine. I don't want that!
If you really cared about me, you'd accept my limit and you'd remember that I don't want phone calls for the foreseeable future! How hard is that to understand?? Yes, you're forgetful but surely somebody could remind you, like M? She's not forgetful. I'm so angry! There's always some reason for you FOO lot to go against my limits. There's always some reason I'm meant to put up with it. There always has been some reason or other. I'm done with it.
My bad dreams last night tell me there's no way I should be increasing contact with you. In fact they tell me that that one carefully worded email was actually
too much for me. :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
________________________________________________
I write and write these letters to FOO, on here, and carefully-worded ones in the real, and it doesn't seem to make much difference. I presume I need to make a more obvious split, i.e. go NC, though I won't do so before discussing with my T.
:hug: Hard stuff, for sure.
Idk what kind of music you like, but I posted a link yesterday to a song that I like, about this very thing. I'll re-post partial lyrics here, hopefully they will give you as much strength as they give me.
"The Last Goodbye"
I don't believe you
And I never will
Oh I can't live by your side with the lies you've tried to instill
I can't take anymore, I don't have to give you a reason
For leaving this time
Cause this is my last goodbye
It's like I hardly know you
But maybe I never did
It's like every emotion you showed me, you kept well hid
And every true word that you ever spoke, was really deceiving
Now I'm leaving this time
Cause this is my last goodbye
Oh I, I've got to turn and walk away
I don't have anything left to say
I haven't already said before
And I've grown tired of being used
And I'm sick and tired of being accused
Now I'm walking away from you
And I'm not coming back
And I don't believe you
And I never will
Oh I can't take anymore, I don't have to give you a reason
For leaving this time
This is my last goodbye
My last goodbye
Thanks 3R, those are pretty apt lyrics!
Quote from: Blueberry on June 20, 2019, 01:11:43 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on June 03, 2019, 12:21:56 PM
Another email today from enF and my answer hasn't changed much. Not that I'm sending this, but it's what I feel now.
So I wrote a response yesterday and sent it. Now I'm going to write what I would have liked to have written:
Hello F,
I'm so angry that you keep trying to get more information out of me. Why can't you just leave me alone??! I responded to make sure you didn't attempt to phone me 'out of worry' or try to get information about me out of friends of mine, or out of the husband of a friend of mine. I don't want that!
If you really cared about me, you'd accept my limit and you'd remember that I don't want phone calls for the foreseeable future! How hard is that to understand?? Yes, you're forgetful but surely somebody could remind you, like M? She's not forgetful. I'm so angry! There's always some reason for you FOO lot to go against my limits. There's always some reason I'm meant to put up with it. There always has been some reason or other. I'm done with it.
My bad dreams last night tell me there's no way I should be increasing contact with you.
Most of that is ditto.
Except enF apparently did understand in some way that I don't want phone calls so instead he phoned the friend I mentioned above :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: but he didn't leave a message. His phone number was displayed though and because of his international code it was easy to recognise. She phoned me to see what she should do and because she's met him and like most people falls for his 'nice guy, poor me' approach has trouble accepting my 'hard' statements based on Grey Rock / Medium Chill and not giving him what he wants necessarily. Designed to not encourage hoovering. She wants to say something polite and friendly whereby she unfortunately undermines the limits I set him. Which I have told her. Man, this is so hard. Juggling friendships around FOO stuff.
I have already told him he is not allowed to phone her unless a) there is a real family emergency (e.g. death)
and b) he can't get hold of me otherwise. This wasn't the case. There was no email I didn't reply to and he didn't attempt to phone me. He is allowed to phone if there is a real family emergency (e.g. death or somebody close to that). He is trying to get the information he doesn't get out of my Medium Chill / Grey Rock emails.
When I think or write about the situation I feel :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: but a lot of the time I just don't think about it, I've been getting on with other things instead. This is progress. I'm not giving him head space. No free rent in my head.
I remember this friend was critical of an ex-partner of her brother's who bad-mouthed him to their mutual friends when they separated. My friend was implying that that was rather childish. But what if abuse is mixed in? I'm at a loss for words again. I don't think my friend would take well to my saying: choose between me and him. Her husband would take it even less well. He'd probably choose enF. Well, I don't put a lot of store in my contact with her H anyway. If I ask him how his Little Furries are, he explains in huge detail and never asks about how my Little Furries are, not even when I had my own all the time. I just ask to humour him, not expecting him to care. Anyway I don't have a solution for this friendship question atm, but it'll probably come.
I'm just adding for myself that there's information on last time enF phoned this friend of mine here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8150.msg75544#msg75544
I'm :pissed: for you! Grr.
Hugs :hug:I hate being forced to interact with my Foo. They talk to my H trying to get more info about me. It's hard cause my H doesn't 100% understand the situation.
Blueberry your bravery to stand up for yourself and to leave hurtful people behind you are such a strengthening comfort.
Your words to F " I mourn you even though you're not dead"... My heart feels the fist squeezing it. But as well the resolve to save yourself for the people who are there for you. And for you!!
This sentence struck a nerve for me. And I will have the strength to write my letter bcz of your brave example. Hope you will find peace of mind and a new family made by friends. A soft :hug:
Blueberry, you brought me here through your kind words and encouragement :cheer:
I am sorry for your pain.
I hear you. It is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong.
Thanks for commenting and validating, brightlight :) :hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on November 18, 2017, 07:06:00 PM
I am sick of the treatment of me in our family!! Sick of it. I have had enough! I heard rounds of: "you have to learn to put up with other people". I don't actually. Especially not people who treat me the way you do and don't see anything wrong with this.
The "you have to put up with..." is what you said about me and SIL2. You said she's not going to change, implying that I have to. I'm doing so. Just not quite the way you were or are expecting. You've lost me. I have a FOO in name only. The reverse applies: you have a sister in name only. The little ones have an aunt in name only. M and F have a daughter in name only. You all made your decision. I'm hanging on for the money.
Blueberry
Sigh. Another email from F a) spitting with rage about computer technology and b) suggesting I email him and M about a good time to phone then they will phone me. They seem to assume I can't manage the phone bill. That's not the problem.
I know I wrote it on here somewhere but can't find where now - The only way for me to allow FOO contact other than emails would be if I refused to acknowledge to myself that verbal, psychological, emotional, physical and sexual abuse took place. I'm no longer willing to deny all of that.
I'm not even sure if I'm going to inherit at all. I'm sticking to my boundaries with FOO anyway.
The good thing, the progress, is that emails like F's used to really throw me for a loop. It's not so bad now. I'm not beside myself with anger, not really triggered. Just, well - sigh.
I replied yesterday. Partially thinking I'd better get on with it before F tries via friends of mine, or something else I don't want. I don't like that I feel pressure because of his past actions. Still the pressure is fairly small and I did wait over a week. :thumbup: This morning I simply didn't get up though. It could be connected. Or maybe there are other reasons.
Quote from: Blueberry on July 19, 2019, 02:45:13 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on June 20, 2019, 01:11:43 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on June 03, 2019, 12:21:56 PM
Another email today from enF and my answer hasn't changed much. Not that I'm sending this, but it's what I feel now.
So I wrote a response yesterday and sent it. Now I'm going to write what I would have liked to have written:
Hello F,
I'm so angry that you keep trying to get more information out of me. Why can't you just leave me alone??! I responded to make sure you didn't attempt to phone me 'out of worry' or try to get information about me out of friends of mine, or out of the husband of a friend of mine. I don't want that!
If you really cared about me, you'd accept my limit and you'd remember that I don't want phone calls for the foreseeable future! How hard is that to understand?? Yes, you're forgetful but surely somebody could remind you, like M? She's not forgetful. I'm so angry! There's always some reason for you FOO lot to go against my limits. There's always some reason I'm meant to put up with it. There always has been some reason or other. I'm done with it.
My bad dreams last night tell me there's no way I should be increasing contact with you.
Most of that is ditto.
Except enF apparently did understand in some way that I don't want phone calls so instead he phoned the friend I mentioned above :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: but he didn't leave a message. His phone number was displayed though and because of his international code it was easy to recognise. She phoned me to see what she should do and because she's met him and like most people falls for his 'nice guy, poor me' approach has trouble accepting my 'hard' statements based on Grey Rock / Medium Chill and not giving him what he wants necessarily. Designed to not encourage hoovering. She wants to say something polite and friendly whereby she unfortunately undermines the limits I set him. Which I have told her. Man, this is so hard. Juggling friendships around FOO stuff.
I have already told him he is not allowed to phone her unless a) there is a real family emergency (e.g. death) and b) he can't get hold of me otherwise. This wasn't the case. There was no email I didn't reply to and he didn't attempt to phone me. He is allowed to phone if there is a real family emergency (e.g. death or somebody close to that). He is trying to get the information he doesn't get out of my Medium Chill / Grey Rock emails.
When I think or write about the situation I feel :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: but a lot of the time I just don't think about it, I've been getting on with other things instead. This is progress. I'm not giving him head space. No free rent in my head.
I remember this friend was critical of an ex-partner of her brother's who bad-mouthed him to their mutual friends when they separated. My friend was implying that that was rather childish. But what if abuse is mixed in? I'm at a loss for words again. I don't think my friend would take well to my saying: choose between me and him. Her husband would take it even less well. He'd probably choose enF. Well, I don't put a lot of store in my contact with her H anyway. If I ask him how his Little Furries are, he explains in huge detail and never asks about how my Little Furries are, not even when I had my own all the time. I just ask to humour him, not expecting him to care. Anyway I don't have a solution for this friendship question atm, but it'll probably come.
I'm just adding for myself that there's information on last time enF phoned this friend of mine here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8150.msg75544#msg75544
It's an ongoing saga and it's definitely time I did something about it.
This is the beginning of an email I was seriously considering sending my parents a few hours ago.
" I know you phoned friend S. on the weekend despite me having given you her name, address and phone number as an emergency contact in case I cannot be contacted by any other means. That was NOT the case on the weekend. You did not even attempt to ask me if I had moved. This is actually information I would send around the family pretty much immediately. However, if you feel uncertain of that (or anything else) your recourse is to email ME. You may not get the answer you want and you may not get it as soon as you want, but you will get one. You note I wrote on date xyz that I was replying at the pace I can manage. That still holds true. My godson, a CHILD, accepts uncomplainingly that his presents are usually late. I sent his Christmas present on Monday, he received it yesterday.
I will now respond to the remarks in your email from pqr date, although in doing so I am going against my better judgement.
There are many things in our family which make me sad too. One is that I have explained several times why I have reduced contact. Neither of you really listen unfortunately. It's possible that you don't have the ability to listen and to comprehend. This does not mean that my verbal expression is defective. It means, sadly, that you are unlikely to ever understand and that you are likely to continue to use the methods you do to deflect. I have NOT reduced contact to hurt you. I am doing it to protect myself. I also find it very sad that I need to protect myself from my own nuclear family, but I do. You know, SIL1 was the ONLY ADULT in the family who asked me if there was not any way that I could stay on after Horrendous Event no.2. None of my adult blood relations did. I presume you thought I'd go back to my country of residence and everything would continue as normal. "
_____________________________
Took what seemed like hours to write. Then I gave up. Partially I would like to send something like that, maybe as a way of finally putting me out of the misery of my uncertainty. And also to finally have my say. NTS: don't do it. Remember the wise words of GP - "it seems you got a little bit too close to the nuclear reactor". I've been advised on here before not to say these types of things to FOO because I'll just get hurt. It's true too, I will. Because that's what happened in the past. FOO hasn't changed, ergo... I'm hurt enough atm thru the actions of a friend. I don't want to add any more instability to the mix.
What I do notice is that what I attempted to write is somewhat more self-protective than my early non-sender letters on here. So progress.
To M and F,
I mentioned in my previous email that I have some major and unavoidable expenses coming up in the next 1-2 years. You haven't responded so it seems you're not interested, but just in case you were, these expenses are coming NOW unexpectedly early. So if you actually do care about me as you profess to, it would be a really good time to respond to those questions I sent you and to start sending money again. Also to send the lump sum. I don't need to invest it, I will be living off it.
My impression is unfortunately that you don't really care. After all, you, M, mentioned you're putting money aside for grandchildren's university fees. What the actual...? That's more important to you than me having a roof over my head??
If you EVER want any form of contact with me again then it is high time you responded to this email and the previous one (which I also printed out and sent as a letter). You also need to treat me better e.g. by treating me equal to B1 and B2. That includes notifying me directly of important matters rather than via B1 and/or B2 because it's 'too much bother'.
If you do not at least acknowledge receipt of this email and my email from ... by Nov. 15th and respond to them both by Nov. 30th, then that's it. I'm cutting off contact with you both and unlike previous times, I won't be going back on my decision. I don't want any contact with people who treat me as badly as you do. None at all. To recap: if you want to retain me as a daughter in more than name only, then you'd better act fast.
I will inform B1 and B2.
my heart goes out to you, blueberry. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you san :hug: