This is my first post. I have 4 and a half months sober from alcohol. This is usually my breaking point where I go back to drinking, but hanging on with everything I'v got.
I recently went to a treatment facility that diagnosed me with C-PTSD with dissociation. Anyway I thought I had DID and PTSD so maybe I have a bit more understanding now.
The abuse I endured growing up was mostly through my mother, although my father went along with some of the worst of it.
At age 6 I was initiated into Eckancar, which proved to have a very negative effect on me way into adulthood. I'v had a lot of healing in that area. I'm 52 and have been actively seeking healing for 30 years.
My mother's mother was raised in a Catholic convent from age 9 to around 17 after her mother died. My mother was raised in a bizarre mixture of religious purity, and physical and sexual abuse.
My mom raised me in a bizzare mixture of strict brainwashing religious indoctrination in which she had control over me and my personality. She also allowed sexual abuse in my chilhood.
There were a lot of strange twists to her insane logic. I didn't realize she was in fact mentally ill until I was an adult. She passed away when I was 21.
Anyway I'm on a waiting list for trauma therapy. I started trauma therapy in rehab 4 months ago and for the first time in my life connected to my younger self really. I wish I could feel happy sober, but I feel lost, depressed, alone and lethargic. Hoping I can stay sober and truly find some healing for my heart. Hoping it helps to be in this support online, as all the groups I go to like AA and Celebrate Recovery, I can not make attachments. I feel very disconnected and unable to be vulnerable and after 30 years of trying to be open and vulnerable in groups like that, I give up! It's exausting.
Just wanted to say welcome :hug:
Good luck in beginning trauma therapy, it's always hard but it's worth it.
Thank you Blackbird for your encouragement. I just accidentally erased my post to you. I will get better at this! I'm st ok ll on the waiting list gor therapy. When things get really tough I call the rehab I was in and that usually helps.
I keep getting involved in support groups like AA and Celebrate Recovery and then disconnect. Well I never connect in AA. I don't feel safe there. I begin to connect some in Celebrate Recovery and then totally disconnect. Maybe therapy can help with that.
Thanks again for connecting with me!
your story sounds very similar to mine. my mother is a fundamentalist Xtian. She talked a lot about being washed clean in the blood, etc. But I could never be clean because of the things that had been done to me. It was a chronic source of fear for me to go to * for my sins when I was only 9 or 10, when I really was just doing what I had to survive. How could I be dirty cuz of what "they" had done to me? Was God going to punish me for being dirty for the choices the adults in my life made. I was molested by my uncle and my mother and father knew it. I am a recovering alcoholic, but I never felt like I was getting better. I still made stupid man choices. I still had flashbacks. I still was depressed. I was still suicidal. I am 48 now and just was diagnosed with CPTSD and bipolar disorder. I feel so relieved. I have been through so much medication to help me. I have gotten divorced. I really thought getting sober would change everything, but it did not. I have stayed sober by the grace of God. That is all I can say. I have long searched for someone else who suffered religious abuse. I think it is like soul rape. Our connection with God is the most sacred and for that to be molested as well is just sickening. Still I cannot express how much I hate my mother.
Welcome, obsidian.shards! I'm so glad you're here. :hug: