Hello...
I'm having a trouble with eating. It's 2 am and I haven't eaten breakfast, or dinner. This happens ALL the time. I had some cheese and bread a while back, but that's all I've eaten today. I'm hungry and empty. This happens more days than it doesn't.
Over the last five years, I thought my dissociation was low blood sugar and I believed I needed to control it with eating. So I tried to do that. Of course, it was impossible. I made my diet very restrictive and had no sugar, no sweet fruit, no bread, no carbs, just lots of protein and veggies. It became such a chore to eat that I'd have to force myself. Of course it didn't work at all since the problem wasn't blood sugar, it was dissociation. So now I've stopped the crazy diet.
But I have this thing where it's just... so hard to cook. And so hard to be in the kitchen. When I do, I hear my mom's voice telling me how I'm doing everything wrong and I'm disgusting because it's all wrong what I'm doing. Nothing is right. I try and cook as well as her and I don't have the energy so I criticize myself. It's like extreme perfectionism. What I'm eating is not healthy enough, or not balanced enough, or not right in some other way.
I will lie here on my laptop for HOURS and not go in the kitchen to get food even though it's RIGHT THERE. The kitchen is such a stressful place I can only go in there and do stuff if I'm listening to a show or a podcast to distract myself from the feelings.
:fallingbricks:
Major depression can leave us so depleted that we cannot even due the basic necessities for self care. I once went through that about five years ago I had a period of depression so severe I couldn't get out of bed. I quit my job and was too ashamed to tell them why. My brother-in -law is a firefighter and he carried me out of my condo and into the car to his house. I went to see a doctor and was put on anti-depressants for six months. It was a nightmare.
The thing I suggest is to have ready to eat things available to you so that you do not HAVE to cook like premade sandwiches, fruits and vegetables, whole wheat bread, peanut butter, nuts, olives, pickles, chips(but not too many) so that you can eat a little for strength then when you have enough strength you can cook.
I wonder about eating. I recently lost 3 stone in 2 months which put me off the low end of the BMI scale for males. Lately I have been eating again and am "normal" on the BMI scale. My FOO has major food issues and are very tiny due to bulimia and anorexia combined with alcoholism. I am the "Enormous huge fat pig" due to my "average" body weight. I know I could easily become frail and sick again. Then I would fit into the FOO norm of being raggedly underweight. My aunt has nearly no teeth due to her bulimia, the vomiting makes them fall out. I don't know what to think I feel batted about by expectations and failing all of them on a regular basis. My BMI is solidly average, this makes me feel guilty can anyone relate?
these foo messages are certainly not healthy, whether it's how to cook, what to cook, what or how much to eat/not eat, etc. my expectations were to be perfect in every way - i'm overweight now due to being so sick, and find it difficult to be comfortable in my skin. societal messages don't help with body image, either.
i am convinced, tho, that food is fuel, both for our brains and our bodies. the best fuel will give us the best results, but we can only do what we can right now as we're battling this beast. i like the idea of getting pre-prepared foods so that you can just reach into the fridge, heat it up, and it's done. you don't have to worry about anyone looking over your shoulder and judging you.
and, having a healthy weight is a good thing, not something to feel guilty about. anyone who drops those guilt messages on you is wrong to do so. losing all your teeth from vomiting certainly isn't healthy, which means her way of staying at her (under) weight isn't healthy, either.
i think the more we stay focused on our health, give ourselves the positive messages that aren't coming from foo, the better chance we will have of overriding those unhealthy messages eventually. we deserve to be healthy, no matter who has said what. that means healthy meals and healthy amounts of food. we may not get it right all the time, but i do believe that the more we aim for that goal, the easier it becomes. my heart is with everyone with food/body image issues. it's huge and horrible. hugs all around.