Out of the Storm

Development of CPTSD in Childhood => Causes => General Discussion => Topic started by: Elphanigh on June 21, 2017, 10:10:16 PM

Title: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on June 21, 2017, 10:10:16 PM
Hi all, I wanted to write this because it is becoming very apparent that I need to deal with a lot more than just sexual abuse. As I am recognizing abusive cycles, and the different types of abuse I am seeing and starting to call what was abusive, just that abusive.

I realized I didn't have a healthy life from anywhere as a kid. My CSA was outside of the family unit, but my family unit was toxic and abusive as well. Emotionally, verbally, and physically. I endured abuse from multiple friends, and from other authority figures. Even a few teachers at school were emotionally abusive. All the way through college there were sources, and even now I recognize my mom can be emotionally abusive and narcissistic towards me.

I am finding it increasingly hard to accept all of it. My CSA is horrific and extensive (if you want an inkling see my first journal).. that is enough to accept an process on its own. I have had to add so much to that abuse list.. to that hurt list lately that it is a bit overwhelming at times. I have no idea  how I am here to be honest.. and I have no idea how to accept it all. How to accept no adult figure until college was truly healthy for me... and even then there are ones that weren't. I have 23 years behind me, and I have not had a truly good adult figure. Every one that spent much time in my life was abusive, or neglectful in the fact they saw the abuse and did nothing.

How do I accept this? How do I cope with the fact there is that much? :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 21, 2017, 10:28:28 PM
elphanigh, we cope by moving slowly, small steps, carefully, not taking on more than we know we can deal with, and resting, being good to ourselves, utilizing this forum, tips and strategies that work for us (like positive self talk, or telling ourselves to slow down, breathe), eating and sleeping well, as well as possible and whatever else helps.

i have 69 yrs. behind me and have still been realizing, eliminating, changing, taking different actions - but i have more than 40 yrs. extra baggage to contend with.  it's only been a couple of years that i've finally known what's going on, have been able to give it a name, and have recognized everyone who has been part of my abuse.  before that, i hadn't even really included my parents.

take your time, take your space and place, and know that this is your recovery, your individual and personal recovery.  maybe you can focus on one piece of this at a time, knowing that the rest will wait for you to get to it.  others may have more ideas for you.  you will get there - it doesn't have to be done all at once.  best to you with this.  big hug, sweetie.
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: asyouwish on June 22, 2017, 01:01:27 AM
Hey Elphanigh --

I'm only 28, but I could've written the same post five years ago. (Heck, even five minutes ago.) Until I was 21 and moved to the place I live now for work, every single person in my life was terrible. Well, maybe not every single one but the vast majority. It went from my awful FOO to my "friends" to some teachers/youth group leaders to the perpetrator of my (relatively minor) sexual abuse. Many were outright abusive. Some just stood by and watched the abuse happen and did nothing. I'm mad at all those people. All of them. 

I'm still struggling to accept it as abuse. But I'm working on it and it's all you can do! Now, the life I've built for myself, it doesn't include anyone who abuses me. I'm confident you'll get there, too. I haven't been able to do any real work on all this, like grief work on my childhood/FOO, or schema work, or whatever, until I built a support system of found family and professionals around myself.

No one can tell you what you need to do with regards to your FOO. I had to go NC. That might not be forever, but it was necessary for now. But I think everyone can agree you need a support system. This forum can be part of that, too.

There is so much. There's SO much. And you'll ever get through it alone. Found family and professional help are the key, I think. Or, at least, I hope. That's what I'm hitching my horse to anyway. :-)
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on June 22, 2017, 03:09:40 AM
Thank you both for replies. It is always encouraging and validating to see someone do so. I have been struggling so much because I finally call my family abusive, and can see old boyfriends that way. I see the nasty cycle in my life.. even after the worst of my abuse.. It may have been ove rbut abuse in my life as a whole wasn't and to a very mild level isn't.

San, you always show such great patience. I am trying to be that good to myself. It is getting thrown at me all at once.. from inside of me, and from other people etc. Mainly I am just aware now, with memories coming flooding in and realizations of habits that were built on my FOOs part in my life... It's a lot. I want to think I can handle it all since my mind is deciding to throw it all at me.

I will try to be kind and  patient, and take the small steps. I feel like my mind is sending me in so many directions, that's without the added input from people.. It's a lot. Having to finally call my family abusive and a good chunk of the people in my life that I knew weren't good, but seeing how many of them were abusive or let it happen. It is hard to take in... Sorry that was a rant and probably not a cohesive one. I am struggling with it obviously

asyouswish, the five years ago comment was perfect. It is good to hear someone relate so much to this at that age. I am really sorry you experienced all of that. I am also banking on the fact I have a good support system for once in my life, and that I did find a really great professional.
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: asyouwish on June 22, 2017, 01:37:40 PM
Being relatively young, and having the vast majority of my friends group about ten years older than me, nothing annoys me more than the "when I was your age" thing, or "you're so young, you have so much life ahead". You know, with all their years of wisdom haha So, I'm glad you didn't take it that way.

But one thing I also hate hearing, but is very true in your situation compared to me (and, begrudgingly, my situation compared to many of my friends) is that thank goodness you've figured this out so young! If I'd started this at your age, think of where I'd be! So, good on you for that. Good on you for getting help so soon. So many people (myself included) refuse help for too long. (And maybe not always "refuse", but at least maybe don't realize they need it. I refused.)

It's so brave to admit you need help. Onwards and upwards, Elphanigh!

Tangent: There's this really interested concept my therapist introduced me to called the Change Cycle, where people are in different stages in order to make a change. I was in the "pre-contemplation" stage (where you're not even willing to admit change is required) when it came to FOO/abuse for YEARS, even in therapy. Anyway, I find it fascinating. You can give it a Google! End tangent
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on June 22, 2017, 01:56:11 PM
Thank you for that, I did not take it that way. I have many older friends as well.  I think I have the advantage of having always remembered my abuse, and being pushed so early to get help. I was truly overwhelmed and wanted it out of my system in High school (not my family abuse, but I recognized all of my CSA). I don't have all my memories, but I think knowing that the sexual abuse existed all of my life has probably helped me tackle this so early. There are days I want to go and hide from it, back in the pre-contemplation stage, but I haven't been there for at least like 4 or 5 years. I did refuse the help in High school, and up until I was a sophomore in college.

Thank you for calling me brave! I truly try to be

I love that tangent. I will give a look into it. Thank you for sharing.  I think that is a good concept, and am curious where I would be in that cycle.
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on December 21, 2017, 06:05:02 PM
Multiple sources....

Yeah got that.  42 years worthy
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on December 21, 2017, 09:16:29 PM
Andy thank you for seeing this old thread. Reading through my old post was actually very helpful to me today. I am sorry you are so familiar with having multiple sources.
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 22, 2017, 02:21:40 AM
Yes, I have a similar case. With bullies, with parents, with teachers, strangers and so on.

It was different in that I actually attracted many people who showed genuine care, but I distrusted people enough that I would come to reject nearly every one of them in some way. The cycle repeats itself unless the primary emotional wound is healed isn't it?

Well, best of luck to all of us.
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on December 22, 2017, 04:11:47 AM
Elphanigh, I don't know if I can handle it. From 2 years old to 44 years old, 42 years of abuse, csa/r/cpa/dv/sa/apa/dv and one attempted murder on my life, and 7 sui attempts too. Just too much if I try to see big picture.
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Hope66 on December 22, 2017, 11:03:19 AM
Hi Elphanigh,
Just wanted to say that you have had such a lot to cope with -  :hug: to you - I think you're brave too.

Hi Andy,
You just listed all the things you've had to cope with - that is such a long list - but wishing you strength -  :hug: to you. 

:grouphug: to everyone in this thread

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on December 23, 2017, 03:49:28 AM
Hope66, thank you  :hug: this original post was from June and I have found so much more about just how much I coped with in those six months.

Andyman, I have faith that you will make it. It is a lot but you are so strong, I have seen it

Decimal, I think you are correct about that. Best of luck to all
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on December 26, 2017, 02:17:39 PM
DR,
How do we know what the primary emotional wound is ?  :hug:

Hope,
Until the end of January...2018, I will still be dealing with future axw. Even though so much is old, It's only been in the last 8-10 months that the trauma from it all, has really been hitting me. Even now, it still hasn't fully hit me.   :bighug:

Elphanigh,
I feel so weak and helpless in my strength.  Strength like we need and use, isn't seen on bulging biceps and giant pecs. It's measured in beats of our hearts. Every heartbeat we spend here, or in other support areanas, is a show of strength. Ever heartbeat supporting others like us, again, huge show of force, of our kind of strength.  Still, feels like David facing Goliath.  :'(  :bighug:

:grouphug: Everybody.

Andy  :phoot:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Hope67 on December 30, 2017, 06:09:36 PM
 :grouphug: to everyone. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on January 01, 2018, 07:32:42 PM
 :bighug: :grouphug:  :hug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on January 04, 2018, 05:11:55 AM
Thank you both. I need those hugs this evening, and am glad I came here  :hug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on January 05, 2018, 06:12:08 PM
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Just want to make sure you're feeling loved and cared for.

Andy :phoot:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on January 06, 2018, 10:17:27 PM
Those are amazing. Thank tou for making me smile irl and feel even more cared for.  :grouphug: :hug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on March 03, 2018, 05:55:19 PM
Hi Elphanigh,

Here's a few more   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on March 03, 2018, 06:25:32 PM
Thank you, Andyman :hug: :hug: This always makes me smile.
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Blueberry on March 03, 2018, 08:36:22 PM
I just read through this old thread. Just look how far you've come since then Elphanigh!  :cheer: :hug:


Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 22, 2017, 02:21:40 AM
The cycle repeats itself unless the primary emotional wound is healed isn't it?

DR, if it's any consolation or gives you hope, my T said that the first trauma doesn't have to heal, if that's what you mean with 'primary'  :Idunno: I don't live in an English-speaking country and my T doesn't speak English, so I don't always have the correct terminology ;)  He spoke about that in connection with the inflatable doll imagery. Here's the link: http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8370.msg57699#msg57699

I hope he's correct and that other sources of information bear this out.
 
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on March 03, 2018, 09:10:56 PM
Blueberry, I hadn't read through this in a really long time. It is amazing the difference in myself in this time. I have come a long way in accepting and learning to cope with the multitude of abuses I suffered. Thank you for inspiring me to skim through all of this again
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on June 02, 2018, 09:58:24 PM
HI elphanigh, got more hugs for you.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on June 03, 2018, 01:06:03 PM
That made me smile, Andyman  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 03, 2018, 04:04:12 PM
yay!  i'm glad you found that helpful, el.  sometimes the smallest things can give us the biggest dividends.  keep moving - you're doing great.   love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on June 04, 2018, 02:18:55 AM
Seeing this after a long eleven straight hour day at work helped too. Thank you all for being huge sources of light in my life   :hug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on June 28, 2018, 11:26:44 PM
Elphanigh,

I'm a little behind, trying to get caught up. Here ya go... :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

:bigwink:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on June 29, 2018, 04:03:42 AM
Seeing this after the rough week, and particularly rough night I have had makes me feel very cared for and loved. Thank you  :hug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on July 02, 2018, 01:20:50 AM
WE hope you feeling a bit better. HOpe your nights have been kinder to you. Got some hugs for you.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Elphanigh on July 02, 2018, 04:42:43 PM
Thanks! Things are slowly getting better, lots of rest and self care  :hug: :bighug:
Title: Re: Multiple Sources, how to cope? Help
Post by: Andyman73 on July 04, 2018, 10:37:34 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :grouphug:
So glad to hear that you making some progress. We....not so much. But only still new in our journey.