Just started t. Only official DX is from the VA as ptsd due to personal trauma(MST). However that does not take into account my childhood cpa/csa/r and bullying and many forms of childhood dv abuse. And little account for the ongoing DV abuse from wife that stretches over 20 years.
andyman, i hope that as your therapy gets more into your issues, your t will realize what's really gone on in your life and what's really happening here. your dx may be changed at a later date. as of right now, the dsm (the clinician's bible) doesn't recognize c-ptsd as its own category. the va has historically followed the dsm.
fingers crossed that you have a t who is open-minded and willing to go the extra mile for you. there are other dx's that may serve you better eventually. best with this, and a big hug to you.
Sanmagic7,
Can't really tell VA t about my life before I joined the Marines. Could give them cause to reverse and deny my service connected disability rating for ptsd. If you aren't really sure, all those scandals about the VA are in fact true.
Having said that, I do have a t outside of the VA. Been seeing her only a month now. She already has seen enough to know that I'm not a simple case of ptsd. Told me at last session that we really need to work to get me to a place where I can't be sa again. Said I'm in the highest risk bracket to be sa again, without living an at-risk life style.
🤗 Hugs are always welcome with me. Thanks.
that va crapola sucks, always has. sorry you're stuck in it, but glad you have another t who recognizes the severity of your wounding. i'm glad you're here as well. i hope you get any extra support you need from this forum. meanwhile, hugs galore to you! :hug: :hug: :hug:
Sanmagic7
Thank you for the hugs.
Quote from: Andyman73 on September 06, 2017, 02:13:56 PM
Can't really tell VA t about my life before I joined the Marines. Could give them cause to reverse and deny my service connected disability rating for ptsd.
I'm so sorry this is the case for you, Andy.
Apologies if I've written this to you before (I've certainly written it on the forum more than once): The only trauma-dedicated therapist I've seen so far had a client base chiefly comprising military and ex-military personnel. She told me all of them had CPTSD rather than PTSD-simple; she understood they had joined up in order to
repeat the experience of a highly abusive and dangerous 'family'.
That suggests you might find a lot of allies in the VA, although they wouldn't be easy to spot. This T of mine set up a group thing, half a dozen vets and yours truly. I found them very defended, mostly making noir jokes and talking about their current activities together elsewhere. It didn't work for me, and they were probably more at ease when I bailed out. Certainly none of them poked a stick at pre-existing family trauma.
I can only wish you luck, and give you another :bighug:
Candid,
I couldn't say if you did or didn't write this to me before. I just don't remember.
I joined the Marines just to try to prove I was indeed still a guy, maybe or maybe not a man. Was trying to earn my man card. Had no interest or thought of repeating any experience. Just wanted to prove to anybody who may have cared, that I still was worth something. That turned into a lot of fun...4 SA, 7 sui attempts, implied and out right death threats. And one attempt negligent manslaughter..with me as the near accidentally dead guy. Oh, and add to that a handful of physical injuries.
I have no interest in any kind of therapy beyond what I do get from the VA. They haven't exactly done right by me...But on the otherhand, my new T outside the VA..she's nice enough so far...only had 4 sessions and nearly all of it was going through intake questions and such.
Thanks for the hugs...well received.
andy, as a therapist, i know it's taking a long time (or seems to be) for your t to be taking your history, but i don't think it's a bad thing. a good trauma therapist will want to get as much info as possible so as to be able to help you determine a course of action and treatment plan best suited to your needs.
with complex trauma, and all those layers piled one on top of another, it can be a difficult job seeing what needs to be seen while taking you as an individual into consideration. i hope you have patience with this process.
the first time i was relating my story to a t, it took 2 mos. it felt like a relief to finally be putting it into her hands, that someone else would finally be helping me with this. i don't know if that's how you feel, but i, for one, was glad of it. it was the first time in all my years of therapy that someone was listening to the entire picture.
i do hope you get the help you deserve, from both t's. they could be viewed as each tackling different parts of the whole. i pray that's the case. big hug to you and all the best.
I'm not too sure I was really feeling like 'aren't we done yet?' Just maybe noting the time, one hour a week. I feel she only got 30-40% of my history. And I had a new memory surface a few hours before T, 2 weeks ago. Which I didn't share that time. Last week was holiday, no T.
Don't know that I feel anything yet...but am quite happy to be going there! You may recall....I am just 7 months into this...the memories only started coming back this year. So I am still trying to get over the shock of it all.
🤗🌸💐
Andrew
I can tell my history only in bits, which is what makes the forum so valuable to me. Recently tried to write about The Worst Day of My Life in my journal, and there were so many explanatory back stories, I gave up. What I managed to get out there seems to have helped, though. I presently have no therapist and no one IRL I can tell it to -- my feeling that no one wants to hear it is validated -- so I made up my mind to tell it to myself. Seeing it on paper, forcing myself to get the sequence of events in order, helped me see things more clearly.
When/if I ever make it to the top of the waiting list for therapy, I'll be focusing on CPTSD symptoms that are bothering me now.
sorry, andy, if i jumped to conclusions.
it sounds like going slowly is a good thing for you since you're relatively new with it all.
candid, glad you already have your priorities. i still don't know what i want to focus on. but, i have a couple of weeks left. i hope your time comes soon.
hugs all around.
Quote from: Candid on September 10, 2017, 03:39:43 PM
I can tell my history only in bits, which is what makes the forum so valuable to me.
It's the same for me. There are people here who can post a whole essay of what happened. I can't, I start blocking in my brain. Nothing comes out. Like when I tried to write FOO letters, to not send. One sentence came out. That was it.
Often I have no words. If I were to express anything, I would just scream and scream. I know my screams because I have been in types of therapy where screaming was allowed or even encouraged. My screams are pre-verbal - an infant. You can tell by the pitch. No wonder I have no words. Something I read today in "The Body Keeps the Score" helped me understand why that is.
Sorry for the hijack.
Sanmagic, no conclusions jumped to, okay? We good. 😊
Blueberry, please feel free to hijack. K don't mind at all. You never know what might be said, so I always welcome any posts on my threads. :bigwink:
Candid, I would listen to you. I do want to hear you.
Quote from: Andyman73 on September 12, 2017, 02:51:13 PM
Blueberry, please feel free to hijack. K don't mind at all. You never know what might be said, so I always welcome any posts on my threads. :bigwink:
OK will do. :bigwink:
Quote from: Andyman73 on September 12, 2017, 02:51:13 PM
Candid, I would listen to you. I do want to hear you.
Candid, I would listen to you too. In fact I think I already have in bits and pieces! Just think of how you coached me a few months back into not writing that FOO letter ;) I wouldn't manage to listen or read all at one sitting anyway.
Alright!!! 😋Blueberry!!! 😁
Quote from: Blueberry on September 10, 2017, 06:14:40 PM
If I were to express anything, I would just scream and scream.
That's my issue now, Blueberry. I'm so full of grief and rage that it's literally kept me sleepless for weeks. Seeing my own haggard face is a punishment, and I hate it when people take photos of me. Yesterday, walking through town, I had to seek a blind alley I could go into and scream with rage without anyone on the busy high street noticing. Can't say I felt any better for it, just that it was something I suddenly felt moved to do.
This leaves me feeling terrified of the trauma therapy I'm still waiting for. Who's going to contain the fall-out between sessions? I'm snappy enough with H as it is; I'm dangerously sleep-deprived
now.
Thank you (and Andy) for saying you would listen to me. Yes, I believe you have 'got' the guts of my story.
The grief is for all the people I've loved and lost, in which I include myself. The rage is for Mother, who offered a fauxpology in our final phone conversation 18 years ago but has done absolutely nothing about all the smear campaigns she set in motion, thus depriving me of all relatives on her side of the family. It was a paternal cousin who told me she was in a nursing home, but I have no further information.
Secondary rage is for the sister who cyberstalks me. She hasn't had a good word to say about me for 35 years, but she made it clear a couple of months ago -- and indirectly -- that she had found me here on OOTS. In the absence of a T this is my only outlet, and it has been compromised.
Seems to me that a long time taking history is a good thing. First we get the facts out there, gaining trust that the T gets it, then we start to tackle the
feelings. That's when things get rough.
Our stories are all widely different, but the feelings are the same. That's why we understand each other so readily.
:grouphug: Andy, Blueberry and San.
Quote from: Candid on September 13, 2017, 07:10:31 AM
Secondary rage is for the sister who cyberstalks me. She hasn't had a good word to say about me for 35 years, but she made it clear a couple of months ago -- and indirectly -- that she had found me here on OOTS. In the absence of a T this is my only outlet, and it has been compromised.
Oh goodness, one of my worst nightmares. :\
I hope you can get some proper rest soon, Candid. ^^"
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 13, 2017, 08:11:58 AM
Quote from: Candid on September 13, 2017, 07:10:31 AM
Secondary rage is for the sister who cyberstalks me. She hasn't had a good word to say about me for 35 years, but she made it clear a couple of months ago -- and indirectly -- that she had found me here on OOTS. In the absence of a T this is my only outlet, and it has been compromised.
Oh goodness, one of my worst nightmares. :\
I hope you can get some proper rest soon, Candid. ^^"
Wow what a load of crap! Doesn't she have a life of her own???? I am so sorry!!!
Quote from: Andyman73 on September 13, 2017, 05:45:03 PM
Doesn't she have a life of her own????
Apparently not. Sorry for the threadjack, Andy.