There have been two times in my life when I knew there was no way out of a long-term situation.
The first was when I was either in 11th or 12th grade and I said something about being picked on. My sister said, "Well, they've been picking on you since grade school."
I knew then there wasn't any way out, that the bullies would always be there.
The second was when I told the woman who was my "prayer partner" at the time, in an abusive church that I was part of, that I wanted to focus on other things in my life and not worry about getting visitors to Bible study (which was stronglyemphasized, and you were criticized if you didn't bring people.)
She said, "I think you ought to expect to have visitors."
That's when I knew there was no way out. There would be no way out of the pressure.
Eventually, I graduated from high school and college. The school bullying stopped and I left the abusive church.
Why can't I let it go?
Do I just want people to feel sorry for me?
It's part of CPTSD. Not being able to let things go. I keep a card on ruminating. I tell myself to stop. I don't think it is attention seeking, I think it's normal for the diagnosis. This is a large part of why I go to therapy.