Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: DecimalRocket on October 28, 2017, 09:05:52 AM

Title: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on October 28, 2017, 09:05:52 AM
I have a problem with thinking I'm worth listening to.

So first I hope someone would reply — because I'm not sure if I could go on with this project without some hope. The more effort in a reply or the more people — usually validates that fear for me more. But I understand if you don't want. Sorry for asking.

I'm not sure why. I can't remember. Maybe my mom made me feel like I don't deserve to be listened to — especially when communicating my stress. Always telling me it was natural for her to yell or get annoyed by my stress. Or whenever I discuss something I'm interested in, she would often be busy on her phone.

Maybe it's that my interests tended to be nerdy ones that have a reputation for being hard to understand that most people don't bother with. Maybe it's because I find it hard to read body language so I get shy when I can't read whether people are interested or not. I tend to think rather slowly and deeply — and the nature of most conversations that switch topics quickly in real life tend to get confusing for me. My therapist said something about social skills delay but I have to wait for a week for him to explain.

I've tried forums on the internet to discuss things. I could often see views. But I could not see whether they liked it. Or hated it. Or cared about it. Or anything. When I had a response, I always assumed they hated my response in some way and was lying when they said something good. I wrote over 100 long effortful articles for personal development that totaled 100,000 views and I could count the comments I received on my two hands. I wrote a journal on another forum but barely anyone bothered to read or talk to me.

In real life, I have friends — it's actually easy for others to like me despite a lack of social skills in some areas. But I would always go with the conversation topics they chose and the interests they had. I've learned how to listen to any topic and I felt a warmth with people I didn't have for a long time, but it seemed something was still missing. Whenever I'd get the chance to talk about what I wanted and someone responded well, I felt an incredible relief on a deep sadness I hadn't realized was there.

Then I came here. People seemed to respond more here — and in a more compassionate way I need. Even if I keep getting ashamed on communicating here — I keep thinking I don't deserve it.

I tend to have a particular insecurity with how detailed my thinking is when I communicate — but I can't seem to control how my brain can't switch between topics that quickly and secondly, because I keep fearing being misunderstood in a way that makes people hate me.

Sigh. But I'll give it a try, and here I am.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 28, 2017, 03:18:29 PM
here you are, indeed, d.r.  i hear you.  you're absolutely worth listening to.  you've got a unique perspective (as everyone does) and it deserves to be heard.

i'm with you on the communication thing.  i can't always come up with quick answers in conversation, can't always change gears, so to speak, in order to follow along.  it's like i still had something to say, but the conversation changed and my thoughts had lagged too far behind. 

i guess we're all different that way.  no right or wrong, no shame or blame.  just different.  and what a dull world it would be if we were all the same.  so, here's a hug celebrating our differences and individuality.  i'm very glad you didn't get too shy to post.  thanks.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on October 28, 2017, 07:03:51 PM
Validation always feels nice.  :hug:

A couple of things about this forum:

If your post doesn't get enough responses, try asking a question, or say you're looking for feedback.

Lengthy posts seem to get fewer responses.

Lastly, we're all in the same boat - afraid to come out of the dark, convinced no one wants to hear what we have to say. And so every post and every response really counts! They are like small treasures, given in a spirit of wanting connection.

You matter here. Each of us does. Our voices are meant to be heard.

:grouphug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: woodsgnome on October 28, 2017, 08:01:56 PM
First, I'll note that at least in what you've posted here you're a skilled, creative communicator. And I also recognize the insecurity you exhibit, as it's reflective of my own story, and probably of many others here.

There's also a lot of care evident in what you've written, an enthusiasm to want to communicate what is important. This can be suspect in a society driven by sound-bites. So you're starting from a good place, showing an eagerness not to impress, but to really share what you want to get across. You want to get into the crux but want to explain it fully, too. It's crucial for that to happen.

I know that one well, too--I felt instantly rejected in many ways as a kid. I loved learning, though; and I think there was a slight persona of nerdiness, as neither my FOO or the school (private religious outfit)  tolerated anyone outside their preconceptions of what a kid is for (shut up and don't ask being the dominant themes). Anyone deviating from the norm was rejected, ostracized, shamed, and humiliated as an unwelcome oddball or persona non grata. 

My social development was thus stunted, but the curiosity never was wholly beaten out of me (thanks to the libraries discussed in another thread). What had already been implanted, though, was this sense that no one understood me then, or ever have. So I recognize what seems to be a similar pattern in what you've written.

It's scary to put yourself out there, but you have questions, ideas and things you want to say. I'm hoping you find this to be an outlet where you will thrive, even as you struggle to find and build a new way of life, one in which connection and communication will find its rightful place. 


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on October 29, 2017, 12:22:19 PM
Thanks guys. I'm still anxious, but I feel a bit more at ease around here. I've been reading many of the Recovery Journals around here. They all seem to point to how accepting people are here. Man, guys, what makes you all so nice? I wish I can repay people's warmth here by joining in more, but I'm too shy.  :heythere:

I can't seem to open up that much about the bad things in life now — my memories are blocked and overwhelming. So I figured I'd practice opening up about good things that happened in my life first — They're easier to share and even if it's "good memories", I can't open up well with it without hesitating over and over. I tend to think saying anything good about myself is lying to myself or bragging. So let me start by telling you an achievement that changed my entire life — .especially my recovery itself.

I'm afraid you guys are going to call me crazy, but I saw a glimpse of some hardcore practioners of Buddhist meditation call. . . the Truth. Just glimpses — not everything — yet it was enough to change my life. You don't need to believe me, what I need most is validation that would accept me even with claiming to  have experienced something as crazy as the "Truth".Seeing it is what Buddhists call the key to a life of no suffering. Enlightenment.

Not a removal of suffering as in no negative emotions. You can only appreciate positive emotions when you have negative emotions so that's a no no. To understand, there are two types of emotions. The initial reaction to a situation. And the secondary reaction to the initial reaction. For example, you can have initial reaction of depression towards bullying. And you can have the secondary reaction to getting angry at yourself for feeling depressed. Removing all suffering is making the secondary reaction completely accepting towards any initial reaction.

The Truth is a lot like seeing the world like a newborn baby. The baby doesn't see the teddy bear as a teddy bear or hear twinkle twinkle little star as twinkle twinkle little star because she has no language to discriminate between different sensory experiences. She only experiences a jumble of sensory experiences as one thing — that is what Buddhists mean by being "one with the universe" because with no language, there is no separation between you and the rest of the world.

It's also why many people tend to be deeply skeptical with this. It's hard to rally for something that you can't explain with specific words since the Truth is wordless experience itself. And most people don't bother trying because it requires an incredibly advanced skillset with meditation.

So armed with an experience of meditation since the age of 11, I practiced a technique that promised the fastest results — self-inquiry.

I'll tell you about it more, but that's enough for me for today. Opening up too quickly for me have given me panic attacks before and can trigger some intense flashbacks.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on October 30, 2017, 06:28:01 AM
When I first saw the Truth, it was terrifying. A world without words was a world without the assumptions made by language — political assumptions, societal assumptions, assumptions of your own life, your thoughts, your emotions, cultural assumptions, education assumptions, relationship assumptions, even assumptions about the nature of reality and every single thing I have ever believed in.

Enlightenment (As an oversimplification) is when you're able to experience this state for every moment of the day for every single day for at least a year, and be at ease with it. There are also deeper stages of the Truth — that can allow more and more insights over decades. That glimpse lasted for 10 minutes, but from that day on, I was obsessed with it.

Trigger warning *** Suicidal thoughts

Whenever I saw the Truth, it tended to cause extreme emotions. I threw up once out of extreme disgust and on another day, I had experiences of ectasy so strong that I was literally running around the whole day from 5 am to 12am. I was depressed to the point of considering suicide and I was overjoyed to the point of mania.

I knew this would happen from what I've heard. The thing is is when I was deep into it enough, I CANNOT STOP. Because from Daniel Ingram's research on the stages of meditation, the extreme emotions will continue unless I continue meditating enough to finish the cycle. The insights were significant — it could allow me to change my life and even other's lives. I'd sum up my philosophy about recovery as "Strict Accuracy" — know what is true or false even if it hurts you, and you will find the truth of how to change things.

Trigger Warning End***

As time passed, it would gradually come down and come to a stop. I was still traumatized somehow. Still having overwhelming flashbacks throughout the day, anixety about my lack of confidence, more physically exhausted than other people my age but I noticed a dramatic change in my secondary reactions.

These were more accepting. Not always —I still have a lot to go — but it had the most dramatic change in accepting myself I've ever seen in my life. Once in a flashback a few days ago, I cried tears. I was shaking. I had snot all over my nose and my entire body was aching. But I noticed — I was completely accepting of it.

I finished the day feeling terrible yet because of my accepting secondary reactions, entirely satisfied by my life as it was.  This state is still here and it often lasts for several hours straight no matter how strong the pain. I learned from seeing the Truth — that the idea of good and bad emotions is an assumption of language itself.

From seeing my assumptions removed from the Truth, I used it to rebuild my life. I'd question basic assumptions that solved problems I had for years in about every area of my life. And especially my healing. Years of intense reflection, intense pain, intense research and the insights came flooding like never before.

Later on, I'd begin to question how I viewed my past and how I came to be . . .

That's when I found a book about childhood trauma. Hmmm. . . Well, this is interesting. Wonder what I could find. . .?
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 30, 2017, 06:19:37 PM
i've found acceptance to be freeing.  i don't do it all the time, but it comes on more often than in the past.  i think it's a good thing.  just accepting myself and my world as we are.  tough at times, cuz i don't always like it, but battling either uses up energy and brings on stress - two things that don't do me any good.

so, practice, practice, practice.  and forward . . .    big hug, dec. rocket.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on October 31, 2017, 08:18:33 AM
Thanks Sans. You're having such a hard time yourself but you go around replying to all these journals. It's nice to feel heard, and while it's not perfect, it's easier to open up now. I hope you can find more acceptance in your life too. You deserve it.

My 11 year old inner child was crying. Panicking. Screaming.

We were both in a flashback — triggered by trying to open up here.

He said no one cared. That he was going to be abandoned. Called too Sensitive. Crazy. In my mind, I held him close and said I cared. He told me over and over that I was lying.  It seems he must have said this over 50 times and I must have said that I cared even more than that. He shook in my arms and was hyperventilating to the point of having trouble breathing.

He couldn't take it any longer and broke free from the embrace. He curled up in the corner. I managed to approach him to give him a blanket. I was about to leave the room in my mind but he mumbled for me to stay. And I did so in silence.

Later, he would say in a soft voice for a hug and I did so gently. He'd rest in silence in there for some time. He'd become more and more transparent and disappeared. He couldn't trust me anymore. But he was a part of me after all, and I could still feel his grief heavy in my chest.

They say that one of the sure signs of an EF is feeling tiny and helpless., I remembered a flash of a memory in my bedroom crying over the blankets — no parent or outside guidance have offered help for my emotional problems for months and my pain often  remained invisible throughout the years. Each time I'd cry — they'd tell me to stop crying. Sometimes, the tears forced their way out. Even when I was surrounded by my a sweet comfort — my books.

Not one of those good days, is it? I thought to myself.

I put a hand over my heart and managed a chuckle. My muscles were aching.

Yeah. . . Didn't even get to read my books. Damn it. I just got to the part where the moon used to be so close to the Earth that it took up nearly the whole sky. With volcanoes and lava. That's . . . That's metal.

I heard my inner child roaring with laughter.

Heh. I did it.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 31, 2017, 08:10:41 PM
may i commend you on what great care you took of your 11-yr. old you.  that was so wonderful to read.  they will come around eventually as they learn to trust us. 

with my last ef, i was triggered by my t.  i was able to take care of little me by confronting her, after figuring out what was going on.   i haven't had many of those dialogues that you wrote about.  i'm still not very in touch with feelings, but the action i took was my way of showing little me that i'd take care of her.

it really does work differently with everyone.  i'm really glad you're feeling safe enough here to open up a bit more.  it takes courage.  sending a warm, caring hug to both you and little you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 01, 2017, 05:27:37 AM
Trigger warning for the whole post ***

I talked to my 15 year old inner child. She (My inners have different genders for some reason.) demanded that she speak and that I'd type it all down as she goes.

She sat tapping her fingers impatiently on a wooden table in the room of my mind. Her back straight and with a glare.

"You don't care about me, don't you?" she said.

"I do," I said. "No, you do not. Shut up and let me speak." I nodded.

"People do not care about liars. And I am one," she said, her eyes downcast and with a frown.

"You see," she continued, "People do not care about attention seeking people in this world. And for all these years without it, I so badly wanted it. Remember, we were smart kids. Always praised from my teachers about being intelligent and learning faster than other kids . . .

I worked my butt off till I was coughing violently. Until I was feverish sometimes. Until I just collapsed and if I wasn't allowed to collapse, I cried hysterically. We . . . we did.

I went on the more unpopular social media sites — the ones that didn't make you mention your real name. And I lied about how good my life was to myself and others. Barely anyone listened or at least to me, not enough people did. When I finally admitted that I was a liar and a braggart, what did I get?

Hatred. Absolute hatred.

I told someone about my needing praise and she blocked me. I confessed and no one payed attention. I confessed somewhere too and all anyone ever did was reply that I accidentally put my info on the wrong forum. I told people on another forum that I did everything I could for months to deal with this lying habit. . . and that I was tempted again and needed help. Someone told me I was stupid for being so tempted. Another told me I was some selfish ****." She was shaking now. Laughing. Crying.

"Haha. Like all these years reading about not caring about what others think was for nothing. All these years doing exercises, CBT, mindfulness, affirmations and more just for validation was all for nothing. Like I did no effort at this at all!

Hahahaha. I'm a liar? If that's all the world is going to treat me as . . . then LET IT BE. I'M A LIAR. A NARCCISTIC ********. AN ARROGANT AND SHALLOW NOTHING WHO NEVER TRIED! I AM. . .," she looked down and said in the most vulnerable voice she said in the entire conversation,

"A liar . . . Just a liar."

She was silent for some time there.

"I care,"I said.

And she drifted away like smoke . . .

How ironic. I lied to her too. . .
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: rbswan on November 01, 2017, 10:16:35 PM
Thank you so much for sharing your inner life decimal.  You are heard and very talented at writing your inner experience.  I completely relate but feel that I can't express what is in my head most of the time.  I admire how you can interact with your inner children.  I know I have inner children as well but they have only communicated with me in group therapy.  I'm not at the point yet where they trust me.  What is weird is they trust my T and most of my group members, but not just me.  I've tried a few things like meditation (which I'm not good at yet) and opposite hand writing with no real results.  They will grieve (cry) and anger if I give them a safe place. 

May I ask you how you got to the point where you can understand what they are telling you?  How did you get them to start communicating with you?  I really relate to your experiences and am greatly appreciative that you are on this forum.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: AphoticAtramentous on November 01, 2017, 10:28:18 PM
Thanks for sharing Decimal, was interesting to read. I can write to myself like this at times too, it's rather... relieving to do.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 02, 2017, 12:24:47 AM
Thanks for listening, you two. I was starting to worry that no one would bother to drop by. I kinda got a bit emotional over all this honestly before I saw people replied. . .

To answer your questions, rbswan, when I first tried the idea of inner children, it was already as direct as that. But that doesn't mean I can answer your question. I have some theories on what made me skilled at this.

First, I'd have to introduce to you about an analysis of mine. You see, when I was younger, I noticed some mental health treatments worked better at certain times and made things worse at other times. So I made my own categorization system that could allow an analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of different therapies.

There are three major areas intersecting with another three major areas.Treatments that aim towuards being aware of, accepting of or changing thoughts, feelings or the body.

The idea of the inner child seems to point towards thought and feeling awareness or acceptance. Here are some treatments for that.

Feeling awareness : Journaling, the creative arts (Poetry, singing, dancing, drawing, etc. You don't have to be good at it — sometimes slapping on some random colors about your feelings or dancing your feelings even if you're absolutely terrible at it can work.) ,Meditations with reflection

Thought awareness : Automatic writing — a type of writing where you let your thoughts flow without restraint. It tends to be incoherent at first but it becomes more and more directed the more you practice. This trains your brain to stop being so hesitant on letting or blocking your flow of thoughts.

Feeling acceptance : Self compassion meditation, Self forgiveness meditation, Any meditation that focuses on specifc emotions (Envy meditation, anger meditation etc. just google the word meditation next to a specifc emotion. )

Thought acceptance : Shadow Work. I recommend Scott Jeffrey's article on that online for a good start. It's based on the idea that people you despise are people you hate because you secretly hate a similar trait hidden in yourself. These are techniques to find it.

Yeah. . . While I often deny it, I guess I am pretty talented at expressing this stuff. Growing up, my best subjects were Science and English. I was a pretty good creative fiction writer for my age then and I read about teaching concepts like science so I can make better notes to myself.

I'm not as fond of many other ways of expressing emotions — like poetry or drawing even when people tell me I'm good at these things. They seem to lack the directness and precision I found in STEM subjects.

I read about a poet who talked about her feeling that no matter how much she explains her feelings in metaphor or prose, it never seems enough. In the same way, my thoughts never seem precise, accurate or specific enough.

Journaling seems to be a more direct way I appreciate. I have a whole world of definitions, patterns and categories I've made and found for myself like the above.

It's like a whole language that only I can understand well enough . . .



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 02, 2017, 11:39:22 AM
Epistemological boost or ELB.

It's a certain upgrade I made to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. CBT is a therapy made on arguing against negative thought patterns and ELB is a name for what arguments I noticed made the most impact. ELB got its name after epistemology — the philosophy of the nature of knowledge. Rather than only asking, "What is true?", it asks, "What makes something true?"

My point is to ask these questions during CBT. What makes something true? What makes each opinion valid and in what situations? What kind of information is best appropiate? — intuition, journals, logic, other's ideas, scientific research etc.? And so on.

For example, I've been getting emotional today. A few hours ago, I felt anger at the people who wronged me, sadness at losing much of what could have been a happy childhood and fear that I'll lose my place of support. Then I felt a weird sudden excitement that made me create happy beats in nonsense words like a fast talking drunk rapper. Also, I gained a sudden attraction to a pretty good looking lady in public. (Puberty. . . Also, don't think you've found out my gender. I also have liked men. Bwahahaha. No one will know my gender.)

Also, slap it all off with some toppings of intense shame of not deserving all this and some sauce on people listening and overwhelming gratitude at the people who listen.

Yep. I kept rubbing my shoulder and telling myself . . . Take it easy, buddy. Sigh. Emotions. I'm just in the grief stage of my recovery and after I comforted myself, I did CBT with ELB.

Here are some examples I experienced today.

Asking what is true. Example #1:
"I don't deserve this. If I kept looking through memories, maybe I'd find something that disproves that I'm traumatized and that I'm actually reacting overreacting." This would have prompted me to repeatedly shift through details through my memories that would be endless.

Asking what makes something true. Example #1:
"What if I do not actually require to be aware of details here? There are three types of conclusions. Detail conclusions, summary conclusions and integrated conclusions.

In detail conclusions, you have to be aware of every single detail like math.

In summary conclusions, you just need to have a general summary of events like in making sense of how your life went — after all, you don't need to know someone's entire life to conclude something about them.

Integrated conclusions need both — like planning for a celebration — detail for the budget, summaries for thinking of how others might react etc.

Making sense of how traumatic my life is a summary conclusion so I do not need to collect details on this obsessively."

Asking what is true. Example #2 :

"Maybe I'm not really deserving like they say I am. I'm not smart/kind/hardworking etc. enough." This could prompt me to go through my memories finding more and more proof around this without end.

Asking what makes something true. Example #2 :
"What if I'm putting too much stock into my own experience of this? Traits like smart/kind/hardworking etc. are decided with two standards. The internal standard of ourselves and external standards. They both influence each other — and the best thing is to be aware of other's opinions and mine to make the best conclusion on myself. And from what I've heard here — I have more strengths then I realize."

The pros is that it allows a much more lasting effect on thought change.
But I guess the disadvantage to this kind of treatment is that it is intellectually more challenging than the classic use of CBT.

Eh. I'll keep using it for today. See you guys next time.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: rbswan on November 03, 2017, 04:23:27 AM
Wow, so much great stuff and wonderful insight.  I'm going to look into Shadow Work and Automatic Writing right away.  I loved your take on CBT and on "what makes something true" and your thoughts on detail and summary conclusions.  I think it's good to make CBT more intellectually challenging as I never really got a lot out of CBT myself.  I think that's why I really liked how you have expanded it to be meaningful to you.  My issues with CBT is probably due to trust issues I have with most Ts.  Experiential or Relational Therapy "feels" safer to me right now as my inner child feels heard and I like gestalt, psychodrama and grief work, as weird as it seemed at first.  Thanks for giving me feedback!
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 03, 2017, 09:31:16 AM
Thanks Rbswan. My insecurity was making me think all my ideas were terrible there. Yeah, I have trust issues with therapists too.

From my system there, I was probably really good on the areas of thought awareness, acceptance and change. I kept avoiding the feeling areas because I thought of it as "gross" and "irrational". I acted warm more to look better than really caring. In truth, I was a lot more colder in my head.

I've softened and warmed up with the feeling treatment areas though. My younger self would be surprised (or even horrified) to hear I'd do something like talk about my emotions to a community like this and validate people about something as uncomfortable to talk about as trauma. But here I am. Heh.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 03, 2017, 10:13:25 AM
I thought I'd give people a more general post about my past but it was too overwhelming really.  If you want some background on me — you can take a look at my first post on this forum for what happened. Not going to make the effort again — I cried after for three hours straight.

I won't tell you about my life as a child — it was . . .even more excruciatingly painful. . . but I will tell you my life from a year ago.

I thought I'd give people a more general post about my past but it was too overwhelming really.  If you want some background on me — you can take a look at my first post on this forum for what happened. Not going to make the effort again — I cried after for three hours straight.

I won't tell you about my life as a child — it was . . .even more excruciatingly painful. . . but I will tell you my life from a year ago.

Before this forum, I've talked anonymously on a site with free volunteer listeners 7 cups of tea. I don't go there as much anymore as there are not many listeners for trauma. But they'd tell me certain things repeatedly over the year I hanged around there.

Early on, they'd tell me I can trust them as I often had hours long panic attacks after barely talking about my problem. Later, they tended to say I kept overthinking a lot —I had a time in my life where I kept overthinking to the point of doubting the existence of reality, the validity of human memory and panicking over the limits of human collective knowledge. Now try to imagine how I dealt with choices in everyday life.

Next they'd say I was extremely logical and often ignored my emotional side. Sometimes it took an hour to figure out even a bit of what I was feeling and I didn't have much respect for human relationships. . . mostly because I could barely feel any warmth myself.

Next, they'd say I worked too hard. They'd say I need to stop thinking of how strangers thought of my achievements but focus on the people close to you who love and accept you as who you are — on which I had none.

Next when I felt warmth for the first time, I was freaked about it. I didn't know what to do with it and I'd go into panic. People would tell me developing warmth was a good thing — but it took some months to fully stop being anxious around the mere feeling.

Next they'd tell me I was too empathetic or accommodating to others. When I first developed warmth, I didn't really get what was the right amount of it and often it became too much.

Next I thought of working towards solving a problem for others — use my own logical skills to use — working on the studies I had and different shortcuts I've made and researched to learn better. And I'd often get distressed about my lack of confidence about it. Most, if not all of them, would reply that the kind of things I've solved, said and read on sounds like I'm pretty much a genius (On which people have commented on similar ways before since the start of being on 7 cups of tea)— but I'd often feel embarrassed hearing that and brushed it away.

Last, I'd speak about Sensory Processing Disorder which often accompanies conditions like Asperger or ADHD but can also develop with trauma. It caused me a hypersensitivity to sound — so much that I'd have to get out of class regularly because the students conversations crowding around could give me me panic attacks.

And I'd pretty much grieve on how my dreams about the future is stupid around this disorder and complain about my physical exhaustion from noise. I then talked about occupational therapy — the treatment for this and mentioned once that from a book, it said it could take an entire year to completely rewire your nervous system. I told them — I'd try to do it in half a year while telling them I simultaneously think this is both a good and a bad idea.

And that's when I found this place.

Lots has happened, huh?



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 03, 2017, 02:07:38 PM
i'll say lots has happened!  quite a lot of moving you've done, going from being cold to warm to too warm, etc.  it can be difficult to find a balance that works for each of us.  it's different for everyone. 

i'm glad you're here, and i hope you can find more balance for yourself.  it's ok to take it slowly - i hope you can remember that.  i know that when i rush things that are better off not being rushed, i end up in a battle once again, and that's really the worst thing i can do.  instead of minimizing stress, tension, and pressure, it ups the ante, and i end up at cross-purposes with myself and what i really need.

sending you a hug filled with balance and self-care.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 04, 2017, 12:11:03 AM
Thanks San! I saw you were online earlier and noticed you were replying to Recovery Journals. I had a big smile on my face waiting for you there while also getting anxious that maybe my entries here were too long or I wasn't important enough for the reply. I didn't ask you to but you did reply . . . Heh. There's something about your posts that I'm especially fond of compared to others here. I've gotten both happy and grieving tears for what could have been over them to be honest. I'll try to take it easy as you ask, San, as I've had a lot of memories of working too hard already.

I'm considering adding some more background at my own pace — it's less that I'm hurt by these memories (Though I still am), but more because I'm too shy to share details here. I also was reading history and thought of categorizing my life into different periods according to worldview, common problems, common feelings and solutions used. I didn't finish it though — there were more important priorities in mind.

I also went and analyzed what the most damaging factors contributing to my depression and anxiety growing up were. I went and even read a Systems Thinking book for it — the study of analysis and problem solving things that are self sustaining, with elements, a purpose, connected parts and areregularly evolving. But didn't get much from the first chapters because I already observed these ideas myself — that's only for the first few chapters more so there's probably more.

I thought I'd analyze this stuff so I'd understand more what to avoid and to work on — also because I'm simultaneously horrified and fascinated by my life. Maybe I'd share what I've found from my project later on. It's interesting really — I get happy when people bother to listen to me drone on on any of my intellectual projects. That's rare.

Bwahahahahaha!
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 04, 2017, 01:38:30 AM
o dear, sweet, d.r., how very kind of you to say that to me.  i can't always answer everyone's posts - sometimes i just run out of juice - but if i don't answer yours one day, even if i answered several others, please don't take it personally.  i do what i can, and with the topsy turviness of my physical crapola going on, i never can tell when i might simply have to stop in the middle.  i hate it, but there's nothing to do about it.

you're welcome to share what you want when you want.  there's no pressure here, no judgment, no comparisons.  i'm glad you'll go at your own pace.  i think you're doing just fine.   big hug to you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 04, 2017, 05:03:46 AM
Yeah, san. That's why I didn't really ask you to post. You seemed to have a lot of tough times in your life and I didn't want to force you. I'm glad you did.

I'll try not to take it personally, but considering how my past has scarred me, I can get sensitive even when I try not to. I'm kind of embarassed sometimes by how much I need approval, listening or validation. But don't let that stop you from skipping me here when you need rest, alright?

Take care, San.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 04, 2017, 03:43:51 PM
thanks for understanding.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on November 04, 2017, 03:47:53 PM
Quotei do what i can, and with the topsy turviness of my physical crapola going on, i never can tell when i might simply have to stop in the middle.  i hate it, but there's nothing to do about it.

Me too!
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on November 04, 2017, 05:12:12 PM
Hi! I just wanted to pop my head in and send you some support from far away.
Hope your Saturday is going well.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on November 04, 2017, 09:26:18 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on November 03, 2017, 10:13:25 AM
I thought I'd give people a more general post about my past but it was too overwhelming really.  If you want some background on me — you can take a look at my first post on this forum for what happened. Not going to make the effort again — I cried after for three hours straight.

DecimalRocket,

You don't owe us a post about your past! If it's too overwhelming, it's too overwhelming. I'm sure most people here understand that. C-PTSD leads to us feeling overwhelmed, so please take care of you and don't overwhelm yourself.

If and when you want to post about your past, you can let out little bits of information sentence by sentence. I used to not be able to talk about my past, I just had the impulse to start screaming hysterically. And writing led to self-harm. Improved in both areas, but I had to give myself the time I needed.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 05, 2017, 02:36:10 AM
Thanks guys for dropping by! It may seem small, but little things like this mean the world to me.

I learned about how important validation is on this forum. I thought I needed more "criticism" to toughen myself up but what I needed was more encouragement. So I thought I'd celebrate something good in my life by remembering it.

I noticed something. I'm nearly always fascinated by what's going on in my life in some way. I'll be grieving with tears and I'd still experience wonder in a book. I'd be fuming with anger and I'd be fascinated in my experience. I'd be terrified and especially when I'm scared, look for something to learn to give me comfort. This often leads me to take an active stance in solving my problems since i'm fascinated by them or at least have a healthy way of dealing with emotions by learning a hobby.

When I was about 13, I was depressed and anxious. Why so I don't want to give details to but I can tell you the details of how I dealt with it. I'd google things like, "How to be happy" over and over. I'd try many of these things for hours everyday, but each glimmer of happiness would soon disappear. It felt like my brain was squeezing out joy juice like some kind of fruit and it would dry up too soon.

What I hated the most was the emotional numbness and especially the lack of curiosity in it. I grew up the kid who read books from every single part of the children's library. My parents were . . . not very good parents and I was bullied by my peers. But I grew up with a tutor everyday after school — and he often noticed how much I loved learning and encouraged me to share what I've learned on my own after each session with him.

I'd ask him questions from a variety of subjects — I remember him telling me how they split the atom to create a powerful bomb. He told me they never really saw the atom — Scientists were able to discover it just with their minds. And little me would stare in awe at how they managed to do that. But no, by that time, my curiosity was gone. Gone.

But something came upon me — I had a problem. So why not learn how to solve a problem? Discover something just by your own mind? I googled, "How to problem solve." I'd learn how to define a problem and find root causes from inventors. I'd learn the art of making ideas from the artists. I'd learn efficiency from business people. I'd learn focus from the meditators and so on.

The project no longer was done to be happy. I was, in all honesty, both terrified and fascinated about it. I noticed that curiosity was nearly always my only positive emotion. So why not nurture it?

I pretended I was advertising what I was learning about to a special customer — me — and wrote multiple journals using advertising techniques to elicit my own curiosity. I was learning about something in psychology about reactions to new and old things — and noticed I was more interested when something was not too old or not too new. So i made a habit of noticing familiar or new details about a subject and balance it to be more interested. I read about gratitude journals so I thought I'd make wonder journals. I've learned how to humble myself over the wider world by learning about astronomy. And this would go on and on and on.

I'd call it Wonder and Curiosity Therapy or WCT.

I was still depressed somehow, but for all my time spent on researching about happiness, this was the thing that made the largest difference.

I could cry. I could scream. I could break.

But at the end of the day I'd think this.

"Why do you live?"

"Well, buddy, I haven't finished learning about everything interesting in the world. Of course I'll go on! Dammit."










Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: woodsgnome on November 05, 2017, 04:38:20 AM
Decimal Rocket: "I'll call it Wonder and Curiosity Therapy or WCT."
:yeahthat:

Your mention of your tutor reminded me of a child therapist I was sent to during an especially bad time around age 9. Unfortunately, it was a short stay (those who sent me there only cared for him to declare me "normal"). But that therapist revealed how interesting things can keep us going even when life seems so lonely and meaningless. And how each of us has that sense of wonder and curiosity. It's all that kept me intact, I think.

Thanks for that reminder.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 05, 2017, 03:41:21 PM
i practically lived in the library when a kid as well, devouring many fantasy books with a magical flavor (alice in wonderland is still my very favorite), and i love doing research.  your approach to what's going on with you i think is brilliant.

wct - i think it deserves to be up there with other therapies.  something positive to focus on when the world seems to be shattering around us.  beautiful.

and your reason for staying alive - fabulous.  isn't it the truth, tho.  i can totally relate to that.  i've still got loads to learn.

thanks for this post, d.r.  so inspiring, so uplifting.  you've got a great thing going here.  big hug filled with even more learning and lots of love.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 06, 2017, 09:27:46 AM
Woodsgnome, it's great that you were able to make use of curiosity and wonder in your life too.

Thanks San for the encouragement. I kept shaming myself for not deserving it, but the burden is lighter somehow. I hope you can do well with things in your life too.

Noise.

Bellowing honks. People zipping. Music blaring.

Breath shallow. Heart beating.

Eyes closed.

Calm.

Conversations. Pen tapping.

Whispering. Laughing.

Breathe.

Sensory Processing Disorder is when the brain has trouble organizing the senses like a traffic jam in the brain. It could disorganize one or more of the senses — my particular hypersensitivity is sound and on a much lesser level, sight..

When it's too noisy or too many moving things are in my sight for a long period of time (Maybe say . . . 2-4 hours straight) — all kinds of weird symptoms can happen. I can lose focus. I can get tired enough to need sleep. Sometimes it makes it hard for me to do fine motor movements like grasp things or write. Sometimes it gives me problems with balance and I can't walk without moving in zigzags. Sometimes it makes me temporarily mute.
.
SPD is often associated with conditions like ADHD or Aspegers but also with trauma. When I was little, a psychologist diagnosed me with mild autism or Aspergers. I left because I didn't believe her, and because she tended to be harsh on the way she treated me. When I got the guts years after to get a therapist on SPD — he suggested some other tests since SPD is associated with other conditions and mentioned a social delay but didn't explain further. (Not enough time to.)

I'm not sure — but I always seemed to have SPD from the little memories of my childhood I have. It just became more and more severe with trauma and emotional burdens. For being an aspie — I went and googled more than 10 tests — and lo and behold — I got diagnosed as one for every test I took. From "Strong likelihood of Aspergers" on a 50 item test to "Higher than 2 out of 10" people to indentifying emotions in eyes. I guess real life aren't like forums where everyone tells you what they're feeling directly.

Geez — if this is true, then I have two conditions that make my senses more hypersensitive. Well, that explains the continous mental, emotional and physical exhaustion just before the break — that lasted into uncontrollable crying. Eh.

Most of my troubles today though involved my anxiety in the school bus and the time when I went out of a noisy classroom and fell asleep on the floor — then came back soon enough. I had a flashback in the middle of another class  and felt terrible — but the feelings of loneliness and shame around it were more mild. I had a problem with missing something from the noise and I was able to communicate it without anxiety to the guidance counsellor here.

Well — it's awfully mild today. I wonder if all the grieving and talking here this past whole week did something —

But hey, it's the first day, who knows?
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 06, 2017, 05:36:52 PM
good morning, d.r.,

i used to be able to tolerate lots of sights and sounds when i was in my 20's and 30's, until i started getting physically sick.  now it's all too much, and very anxiety-provoking. 

so, how do you feel about the whole aspberger's thing?  relief?  anger?  overwhelmed?  it sure adds another layer into the mix for you, but maybe helps to explain some things as well.  i don't know, but i hope so.

also glad that some of your symptoms seem to be milder right now.   i know that writing here, realizing, getting so much support has definitely made a difference for me.   so glad for you that you continue to post.  big hug filled with 'forward!' and love.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on November 06, 2017, 08:33:45 PM
Hey Rocket!

I can relate to sound disturbances and sometimes sight. Mostly I get very distracted and disoriented with sound, but I'm usually hypervigilant and I'm also a sensitive introvert (I think that's what it's called in english). So it's fully understandable that it can be exhausting and draining, and making oneself unable to focus. Even music can be distorting or exhausting for me.

Regarding aspies, I've got a sister who is one. And I've known several people who is scoring high on the autism spectrum. And I've found every single one of them as different from eachother as non-autistic people. I enjoy talking to aspies, because you usually know that they mean what they are saying - and to me that's make it easier to feel secure about that person.

Hope your day continues well!
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 07, 2017, 08:17:29 AM
Thanks you two. Nice to have someone to listen.

Honestly I'm getting nervous about sharing myself here again. On the site 7 cups of tea — I had a different volunteer listener each session and I often avoided listeners I talked to before. It was because I was afraid they'd hate me the more they know about my life. But here — I'm explaining myself to people in more and more depth — and it scares me. Sigh.

But because of people like you two, I'll keep going. It's worth the anxiety that charges through my body every time I go here.

I feel an overwhelming mix of both positive and negative emotions honestly.I already suspected this before I came to this site, but didn't fully believe it. I keep looking for signs I was mistaken, but the more I look into it, the more I could relate to it.

I'm not hurting about being possibly an Aspie. Unlike CPTSD — which is all negatives, being an Aspie has a mix of positives and negatives. The negatives being things like a lack of social skills, sensory sensitivities and too dependent on routine. But the positives often including an incredible focus, an eye for detail and associations in a way that allows insights (Not always to the level of genius — but at least above average for many.) and a genuineness towards people — things I love and hate in myself.

What I'm more distressed about it though is this. That maybe if I didn't realize this possibility sooner, then that meant I lack awareness.

As a kid — I only ever could rely on myself for most of things. My parents weren't there for much of life's problems. Not people my age I know. Not teachers. Not even people online. No one.

All I had was the knowledge I had from the internet, my books and my own thinking.  Every experience had to analyzed, solved, reflected on, categorized and researched to survive alone. Every suffering, every emotional breakdown and every thought of ending it — was blamed on lack of awareness. Of lack of knowledge.

To question my lack of awareness and lack of knowledge is to question my ability to deal with life.

And I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it!




Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 08, 2017, 01:11:44 AM
yay, you, d.r.  yes, you are most certainly doing it.  the thing is, too, that you're not alone anymore.  we're here for you, we want to support you, we want to stand with you thru the ups and downs of this process.  it is a process, and it will go at its pace, your pace, and that's ok cuz you're ok.

you are becoming your very best version of yourself, and that's a lot.  it takes time and energy and determination, 3 things you already have and, hopefully, know, are aware of about yourself.   you've got what it takes - i think that's the most important thing to know.  you'll get there.  we're here with you now.  sending a warm loving hug filled with the knowledge you need.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on November 08, 2017, 07:04:55 AM
I think it's wonderful that you have your curiosity, and that you have your strength and willpower to seek out knowledge and continue learning.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 08, 2017, 09:47:23 AM
Thank you both. It's not perfect, but I'm a lot more secure in trusting people here. I'm still having trouble trusting people in real life and I can be really shy — but hopefully, this forum could allow me more faith in the goodness of the world.

I figured I'd have to take a break from journaling for a bit. It's taking a toll on me on being open here everyday and I live with a lot of anxiety of what other people might think. I know you people mean no harm, but I can't seem to control my distrust around people.

Reaching out to other people here is confusing too. When I google things on listening to a person — they show contradicting information. One mentions not to give advice but people do here sometimes. One mentions not to talk much about yourself when listening to someone, but people do here.

Maybe I'm just taking things too literally and there's a context I'm not getting here. I just say things I think I'd like to hear and it looks like it's working. I remember when I was a kid, people told me some of my jokes were too mean. I thought all jokes were mean and I was confused why people still made jokes. Like what in the world makes some jokes mean or not mean?

Nevermind.

From hearing all the advice to take things at my own pace, I thought I'd respect my shyness for now.

See you.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 08, 2017, 05:54:31 PM
i'm just glad you're doing what's best for you.  i respect that, and i know what it's like cuz i do it myself at times.

advice, suggestions, opinions, examples from experience - yeah, you'll find a bit of all that here.  for one, i'm glad about it all.  i can get something from most of it, even if it's something that doesn't fit for me.  at least i can know that and let it go.  i used to think i had to follow up with everything everyone would suggest to me or tell me to do, and do it right away.  no lag time to think about whether it was something i wanted to do, liked hearing, or wanted to do something different.

you know, if there's some part here that you don't want to hear, you can say that as well.  even if it's that you just want to write out your thoughts and not have anyone respond.  you can do that. 

i see this forum as pretty open in its communication, especially focused on recovery and support.  there are guidelines to help keep it respectful and safe, for which i'm glad.  i do hope you'll be able to find your way back at some point.  i've been glad to hear your voice here, and enjoyed your support.  sending a hug filled with warmth and caring.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 09, 2017, 02:26:51 AM
Hey San, thanks! I decided I'd come back to this place sooner than I thought. I miss this place too much. I will most likely die of embarassment — but it beats not going here. Here's what I was going to post yesterday.

....

I'm reading a novel lately called, "The Hundred Secret Senses." It told a story of Olivia and her half sister Kwan from a Chinese mother, who has "Yin eyes", that allows her to see the dead.

Olivia always hated her own sister even if she knew she was always kind to her — on one page, she remembered how her mother never gave her any attention and she was hurt by that.

She always told Kwan she was busy rather than going out with her — and her actions reminded her of her own mother. This time, she decided she'll listen to her sister — even with her crazy stories about the dead.

I felt my heart melt there at that moment. The idea that someone would listen to someone even if their stories sounded crazy touched me — making me all sappy in cheering for these sisters and overcome by grieving for my own past.

"Why am I getting so emotional with this? This is gross. Screw this. Oh come on." I thought.

Another thought was trying to calm me.. Sigh, it's alright. It's alright.

The whole day I'll be grieving — nothing that strong, but the hurt was always in the background.

I talked to my tutor recently and joked around with other students. Strange, but I noticed I listened more. My laugh was pretty loud for someone who tends to be soft spoken. I was warmer somehow — there was always a part of me that was distant, observing my relationships from far away even when I was talking to them face to face. But this time I felt more . . . there.

It didn't take long for me to feel drained. My fundamental nature is to be more quiet, analytic and reflective after all. Though even with focusing on my usual solitary interests — I still keep them with warmth in my mind instead of getting entirely absorbed by the curiosity for a subject. There was still a strong part of me though that was awkward and shy — not just towards people, but to these more confusing stronger feelings of warmth.

I remember telling people on the site 7 cups of tea on and on again after they tell me they can do nothing for me, "You don't need to give me solutions. I can problem solve, analyze and research at a level for these problems many people don't do and that helps. But what I can't do on my own is . . give myself company.

All I ever wanted though now . . . was to be listened. So listen closely, and even if you can't say some special inspiring words, show that you listened. Maybe that's when I'll heal."

I felt tears overflowing onto my cheeks over and over. . .

Emotions are confusing things compared to logic, aren't they?




Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: woodsgnome on November 09, 2017, 06:12:28 AM
Decimal Rocket wrote: "I felt tears overflowing onto my cheeks over and over. . .
Emotions are confusing things compared to logic, aren't they?"

Except they're often more honest than multiple volumes of logic. The confusion might not be logical to many, but without confusion there's little strength either; just a ho-hum it's crazy, I better go along with the logic. Except that leads to forgetting about living life, because its emotions make it illogical. And/or it's just too scary to want to admit to the emotional confusion, and so it gets covered over with logic.

Bringing it closer to home, though--how logical was the abusive patterns so many here had to endure in the name of logic? So many had to endure not being listened to, and there rarely was a logical answer that wasn't dishonest. Logic was just another cover for abuse.

Instead we need to take the emotions and build a new life from there. Hmm...I guess one might conclude that 'logic' is a trigger word for me?

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope66 on November 09, 2017, 10:45:48 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Just sending you a big hug  :grouphug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 09, 2017, 12:06:33 PM
Oof. Sorry, woodsgnome, if I triggered you there. I've been working on this tendency for years now -and I'm aware of it.  It got a lot better though but it still comes out at times. Thank you for the reminder, but mind not pointing it out like that next time? I have some shame around this habit of mine really considering how achingly long it took to get this far and more criticism really isn't helping.

I'd go argue that at times logic and emotion can be both more honest at certain times. Both give certain lessons the other does not.  My mom did not abuse me arguing me out of logic — she abused me with pure erratic emotional shouting, paranoia and being overly clingy in her relationship with me. And I saw my logic as a rejection of that — allowing more clarity in decisions and mental discipline in my life.

While too much of it as bad and I'm working on that, logic is why I've come this far — the right logic. The logic that respects and works with emotions as a partner — like a judge who uses his right judgement of the head with the compassionate motivations of the heart to serve the people in court. The logic that is not just knowledgable, but wise. The logic that that does not overcomplicate, but simplifes. Accuracy was king and first hand knowledge was its queen.

The logic I ideally look for is not the harmful one you think of. If logic is a trigger for you, then being emotional can be a trigger for me — I don't want to become what my mom was, you see.

Not trying to start a fight here — just wanted to communicate my point of view here. You are free to have your own.

. .

Thanks Hope for the hug. Here's one back.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 09, 2017, 02:34:03 PM
d.r., i'm impressed.  really. very powerful posts.  i think there's a warrior woman hiding behind that shy facade.

first, absolutely listening - you're so very worth listening to.  you have some wonderful insights, both inward and outward. 

second, i totally get why you'd start crying when you read that passage.  sounds like it was mirroring parts of your own life, parts that took pieces of you from you, and frightened you.  i understand why you'd shy away from emotions - scared of re-creating your mom's emotional dysfunction.

third, i think it was great that you were able to ask for what you need - to be listened to - and also to put out boundaries for yourself.   i remember you saying before that you used to think being hard on yourself was the way to go, but now are convinced that nurturing and kindness is a more direct route to healing for you. 

i'm glad you decided to take the chance and come back sooner than expected.  you have a wonderful voice, one that deserves to be heard as well as listened to.  sending you a warm, loving hug filled with all kinds of smiles.  i'm smiling now, for you and what you've shown us.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: woodsgnome on November 09, 2017, 03:38:32 PM
Decimal Rocket wrote: "Sorry, woodsgnome, if I triggered you there." You most certainly did not trigger me--the word did. Honestly, I have so many words that might trigger me, including some very surprising ones, that the list would run dozens of pages. Some of my triggers are very commonly used terms.

I thought of pulling that post, realizing it didn't fully reflect where you might be coming from, and in the end it's your recovery journal anyway, and I shouldn't interject like that. But I did, made my jibe at how logic can be used against someone (it was major with me...the abusers tried to look so logical, and some of them were 'pillars' of the community).

I'm right with you when it comes to the ideal use of logic. While the word itself can throw me for a loop, I concur that it has good uses and am saddened when it falls off the mark of contributing positively, as it's supposed to, in an ideal manner. Like you, I like the ethical and wise use of logic, but experienced the pitfalls of those who misused it often and it hurt when that happened. That I still carry that hurt is still a huge obstacle for me. In person, I've been known to visibly wince just hearing the word.

My response to your entry was more of a faux pas and I was bone tired when I wrote it. It was off the mark per what you wrote, but the trigger word was there and it rattled my foggy brain, I guess. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

I feel exactly like sanmagic7 has expressed it, though--you are being listened to; and I concur that it's impressive to see you cast off the doubts that anyone cares and your writing in your own eloquent fashion. I find that impressive, and I look forward to seeing more.   :spaceship:         :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 10, 2017, 07:13:52 AM
Hi San! :)

I don't really know what else to say but thank you. I really appreciate you being a regular reader to me — it's nice to know there's someone who knows me throughout the journaling process really.

W.G, nice that we're able to have common ground here. I was worried I did something wrong by replying what I said here. It's a shame you're still hurt by the past. I understand how it could make you more irritable. I can be like that at times too when I'm too emotionally burdened.

Thanks for these kind words.  :hug:

.....

I get the obvious ideas of who's at fault here — in bullying, in rape, in murder, etc. But I don't really seem to ever get the subtle rules of who's at fault when I watch and read fiction or about other's real lives— even if I've been doing this my entire life.

I've seen people argue who is a more dislikable person or a more likable person. Who is ungrateful and who's not being appreciated enough. Who is being selfish or an actual victim. Who is being rude and who is being assertive. There were emotions and motivations in characters I didn't notice were there. Subtleties in facial expression other people seem to easily see that I don't.

I want to get people but I don't get people. Maybe someday I'll get those discussions someday and join them for once. Right now — all I get is that both parties should listen to each other's views and communicate what they want to say in a respectful manner from social skills books I've read.

What I found out is that you don't seem to need to read facial expressions well or read between the lines to know that people like to be listened to. And for communicating? I had a lot of trauma made from never communicating what I wanted. The idea that I have the right to speak allows some removal of the emotional burdens I've had in me for a long time. I've always thought that people wouldn't believe me or care but many do.

Lots of people are strange. They seem to understand those complicated things but don't seem to get this simpler thing. Am I missing something here?

Eh.  Maybe that's all I need to understand for now.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on November 10, 2017, 03:19:56 PM
Communication is super complex and interessting. It has so many factors involved. Such as what we want to convey, how we say it, and what we actually say. The way it is said, and how the other person hears it and percieves it out from their knowledge of the subject. Not to mention the emotions that are present at the time of the conversation, the setting, the language and body language... There's so much! There's no wonder most of us feels lost in translation alot of the time. I think "regular" people also feels lost a lot of the time, they just know how to fake it better. Or are better at small talk.

When I was growing up I felt so incredible disconnected from people. I couldn't understand the ways they were thinking, it was so illogical - and I couldn't connect with them emotionally or intellectually. It's been years since I've thought about it, but I guess I kind of grew out of it. Or maybe I started focusing on other things, or learning how to act in certain situation and just accept that sometimes things are just utterly weird and makes no sense... :)

I've noticed something though, I think the main reason why people are unable to listen properly to others is that they are generally more interessted in saying out loud what they are thinking/have discovered/their experience on the topic - and when both or multiple parties does this miscommunication happen.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 10, 2017, 05:59:14 PM
hey, d.r., do you have emotions?  are they at the fore for you?  do you know what you're feeling at the time?

i'm only asking because some of the things you've said, like learning everything, being logical, not being able to read a person's face as to what they might be communicating somewhat mirrors my own life.  have you ever heard of alexithymia?  there is a TAS-20 test online - the toronto alexithymic scale - that i've taken that showed me so much about myself.  maybe you'd like to check it out.

i'm not saying you have it, only that it's something i have and now understand.  a few of your statements rang bells for me.  maybe it's part of those subtleties you don't get.

and, no, i don't think  you have to know all these things, but it's cleared up a lot of confusion for me as to why i didn't.   if it's not something you want to follow up on, that's ok, too.  it was suggested to me on this forum when i was struggling with not being in touch with my emotions.    sending you a big hug full of care and love.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 11, 2017, 02:11:17 AM
Well, Sceal, that does clear some things up with me. I've noticed that even when I have trouble with these things, I eventually understand with time. It's not a social never. It's a social delay. I can do something about it.  ;)  :hug:

San, I've heard of alexithymia and I've taken a test online before showing I have high alexithymic traits. I've taken it again and it shows the same result.

I've trained myself to memorize the associated body sensations of emotions to identify them. When I'm afraid, my breath quickens and my eyes widen. When I'm sad, I feel a heaviness in my chest and a bit of tiredness. And so on. I'm not actually able to tell my emotions directly just by feeling them much of the time — I really have to be aware of what's in my body.

I noticed my understanding of emotions are more . . . black and white. Before I couldn't even be aware that I had emotions sometimes. Then I could only tell happy from unhappy. Now I can tell different types of emotions — like relaxation, fear, excitement, shame in me and so on.

But I notice other people have a much more complex understanding of emotions than this — something that can't be explained by these mere words that the creative arts can allow them to express. I don't seem to have the same lost for words as my emotions and even other people's emotions . .. seem more . . . "simplified" compared to what they recognize.

When I read facial expressions, it's difficult. For one, I can't make eye contact without getting overwhelmed. Even if I can actually read expressions, it tends to lack the ability to identify different shades and intensity of emotions — I can see happiness for example — but not if it's hope, relaxation, playfulness or love. It's even more complicated when these emotions are mixed.

I guess that's why I tend to switch between very calm and very expressive because I can only identify well very strong emotions. That's why my laugh is pretty loud even if I'm generally a quiet person. I feel a bodily sensation convulsing in my body for a long time until I'm laughing in the most excitable and the weirdest way possible. I'm not aware of and don't express these emotions enough and so when they do come out, they really do come out.

Though, with negative emotions, I often make more effort to hide them and express them in more calmer or silent ways. My emotions are childlike in this way — and often the only strong emotions I can notice regularly is my curiosity and anxiety around people.

I vaguely sense other subtle emotions in my body but I don't find it very important to be aware of every emotion I feel. My more logical and analytical decision making tends to work things out for me.
Also while I can't tell why I'm feeling directly, I can make guesses based on my tendencies in the past. (Strong curiosity, sensitivity to rejection, likes absurdist jokes, anger tends to be towards myself than others, etc.)

Eh. Maybe I should read more about this alexythimia thing. I heard of it but never researched it in depth.

Well, this is one of my longer posts. Eh. If you're still with me, thanks.

Hug back to you, San.  :hug:


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on November 11, 2017, 07:40:24 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 11, 2017, 04:21:38 PM
dang, d.r., i could've written your post.  i'm also very high on the alex. scale (91 out of 100), and i'm with you at not being able to read facial expressions, being simplistic when it comes to some feelings while others are simply not accessible, and i also believe i have a lot of physical problems due to unexpressed emotions - they simply stayed inside cuz i didn't even know they were there.

from what i've learned, this comes from trauma at a very young age (emotional denial) so as to prevent the correct neural networks from forming that connect the emot. part of the brain to the verbal part.  that's why we can't access them - the connections are incomplete.

i've had to guess at how to respond to situations, taking cues from others as to the emotions they express.   touch is very important to me because it's something tangible, like knowledge and logic.  those are the 3 things that have gotten me thru life.

but being unaware of my emotions for so long has hurt me terribly, both physically and relationship-wise.  i believe it's part of what's caused me to stay too long in abusive relationships - instead of feeling angry about what was happening, i was either tolerant, understanding, patient, or confused.    it's not served me well.

so, now with the help of this forum, and being more mindful of body sensations, i believe my brain is being re-wired so that those connections can now begin happening, where they were stopped in their tracks originally.  it's making me feel more complete as a human being, as well as understanding more fully who i really am as a person. 

some of it i don't like.  i rarely, if ever, was in touch with fear for most of my life, and now that i can often feel it, it's not my favorite thing.  i don't know how i could have accomplished all i've done if fear had been a working entity in the past.  still, emotions are part of being human, having a 'self', and i do want that, so i'm ready, come what may.

i did read that a lot of alexithymic people don't want to find their emotions - too scary.  they'd rather experience the shadowy distress and disturbance instead of finding out what's really going on.  i thought that was interesting.  so, best to you with this, and i want you to know i support you right where you are and for who you are.  big hug, d.r.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 12, 2017, 10:46:26 AM
Yeah, San. Thank you. :) Not knowing your emotions is pretty difficult. I hope you can figure it out too. I had a similar case of not knowing what I wanted and ending up in unhealthy situations in friendships.

I've learned about this bad habit of lack of assertiveness from something called Enneagram — a system that categorizes the different coping responses with fear, anger and shame (3 types for each emotion)— similar in a way that Pete Walker does with the 4Fs. It's only meant to be a guideline as of course people are complex and unique. My response to anger in the system was to repress it and go along with other people too much or a Type 9 response. Looks like the advice helped me a lot.


........

I thought I'd do my regular check up on what's going on with my life. See how things are progressing or not, alright?

So let me ask these questions :

1) How has talking here in the forum affecting my life?
2) How did it affect my fear, shame and anger responses according to Enneagram? It has to be arranged in those three emotions since it begins from the most dominant response to the least dominant.
3) How did it affect my physical recovery?
4) How did it affect my formal education?

Emotional Recovery :

Fear response :
The type 5 response to fear is to collect information — unhealthy fives tend to collect information in a way that distracts from their main problems or allows more anxiety. Healthy fives tend to collect information in a way that calms them or solves their and other's problems.

My curiosity is becoming even more of a significant way of dealing with my fear. I remember having an intense flashback in the middle of statistics class and had to run out with tears — even momentarily thinking of ending it. I calmed down soon when I went to go read a novel and I had a similar case yesterday — calming down quickly when I learned programming and Japanese on my own. After spending about two weeks here, I don't remember a single moment these past days where  I wasn't curious.

I tend to have problems with starting a needed project though. Once I ease in a project, I can focus on it well but the beggining makes me anxious and I'd often go distract myself in other hobbies. When I move on to the next life project, this will be an obstacle.

Shame response :
The type 3 response to shame is to achieve and to control their image to make themselves to feel better about themselves. Unhealthy threes tend to have problems with workaholism and even lying to others about their achievements. Healthy threes are able to use their drive for the long benefit of themselves and other. Also, to be honest about who they are.

The forum's purposes tend to focus most on this distress as it provides practice to be honest.

Before coming to this forum, I remember constantly berating myself on several parts of the day for not working hard enough. I even had an emotional collapse around this. After talking here and getting back to classes, workaholism has decreased by an estimate of 90%. I was able to take an entire week for recovery on the break — which has never happened in years and was able to be completely honest about my situation to a long term group for the first time.

I still have trouble opening up with about everyone in real life though and it'll take time to trust. I can be overly shy sometimes and I'm working on it.

Anger response :

The type 9 response to anger is to adapt to other's needs and to focus on relaxing. Unhealthy nines tend to forget their needs too much and become overly submissive or procrastinating on themselves. Healthy nines adapt to both themselves and other's needs while allowing a sense of calm in their lives.

On the first days of being on this forum, I remember gaining the courage to go to my guidance counselor telling her about my flashbacks. She told my mom who've hurt me for years. And while I've confronted my mom before and she's slowly been changing — this is the first time I admitted in detail my emotional pain over it.

She cried. Hard. And everyday after she would tell me how sorry how she had became such a terrible mother and tell me "I love you." She's become more gentle towards me, and more accepting.

I don't need to focus on this area for now — not much problems around this anymore.

Physical Recovery and Education:

My Sensory Processing Disorder gave me a hypersensitivity to sound that often led to panic attacks in noisy environments (like the classroom) after 2-4 hours. Before this, I often missed 2-3 classes from physical exhaustiom and stress from noise. This last week I often missed 1 class or none.

Another noticable effect is that I was still physically exhausted from noise but I didn't have the panic attacks that much anymore. It often created a need to sleep but not a terrorizing anxiety.

I'm in specialized STEM classes and I was able to catch up on the Precalcalus classes with weekend remedials. I have to wait to see what extra assignments I have for other classes I missed though. The curiosity helps, for sure.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: ah on November 12, 2017, 08:08:37 PM
Hi DecimalRocket,

You're absolutely not alone. In shyness, hypersensitivity to noise, not knowing emotions. I love Wonder and Curiosity Therapy, I think it may be the sane way to engage in things we have no control over, without getting stuck or getting drained, while still searching for a solution. 

I can understand your distance from writing about your past. My life has been unbelievable, and I agree it isn't necessary - only if you find it helps here and now, that's what matters. The way I see it, the one and only purpose of this journal is to be a place where you can be yourself and explore it, changing from moment to moment, from question to question. You make the rules. We follow you here.

Emotions - I'm totally with you, I only knew I felt "good" or "bad", had no idea about emotions beyond that. Eventually I made lists of emotions and started self-educating in order to improve. It's done me a lot of damage too, I kept finding the local abuser everywhere I went.

Shyness, that one I can relate to the most :disappear: but my own shyness aside, you're on my mind. I love your way with words and your wide awake, super-inquisitive mind. Reading your posts is always very special to me.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 12, 2017, 08:12:34 PM
nice organizational skills here, d.r. 

from what i read, it seems like you're making quite a bit of progress.  good for you!  i know you were gonna take a break from here, but came back quickly and are letting your voice be heard throughout the forum.  i'm very glad for you - you have a lovely voice, intelligent, and a caring heart.  your support has been invaluable to me.

keep up the good work.  it's been wonderful getting to know you.  sending you a hug filled with warmth and love.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 13, 2017, 06:31:06 AM
Thanks guys! Ah, it's great to find someone to relate to. And San, thanks for noticing my words around the forum. I kinda think they're all terrible in some form.

I have a thread on the Wonder and Curiosity Therapy, its potential benefits and how to do it. I thought I'd make it as a thank you to people on this forum.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8079.0

Barely anyone is reading it though. Maybe it won't work at all.

Sorry if my posts are too long — my mind is complex and so my entire everyday life is complex to understand. I can't seem to gain any comfort with making much of anything I type in shorter because denying the complexity of my thoughts is denying one of the most fundamntal expressions of my personality. Eh. Sigh.

........

I researched on intuition before — and I noticed my intuition failed at many decisions except one — its ability to choose my next long term priority in personal development in life. I read that people's intuition are especially strong for things they are experts in — like chess masters for example. I guess all these years of writing pro and con lists in my mind for what to do next has assimilated itself to my unconscious to just being able to "feel" what's the next priority that will allow the greatest impact.

I thought of working on my sense of purpose —  one of the essential parts of living a satisfying life and so recovery. What would my drive be used for in this life?

When studying mindfulness, I heard of a man — named Shinzen Young — who wrote a book called "The Science of Enlightenment." In his book, he called on people to create an entirely new revolutionary mix of science and mindfulness meditation.

I was someone who didn't have an idea of what in the world to do with my life. But it gave me an idea — I liked science and I had a ridiculous amount of experience in mental health due to treating myself all this time. I wonder if what I'll do in life would involve the two? I lacked confidence and thought it was pretty stupid, but now, I'm . . . considering it.

I had multiple hobbies — but I noticed I had somewhat of a preference for more of the "left brained" hobbies. I then chosed specialized STEM classes. I planned on Computer Science when I got to college — mostly because I noticed it allowed the precision and accuracy I yearned for as well as some room for open ended creativity. Programming had languages for a computer— and like any language, different words can allow for a wide variety of uses and ideas. I also thought this was stupid.

Next thing I heard was a Ted talk called "Why Some of Us Don't Have One True Calling," where the speaker talks about how a mixture of interests allowed people to innovate new ideas. I remember when studying filmaking for example — there was a magician trying to make films — and he mixed his movie making and magic skills to create the first special effects. Movie magic. This got me thinking.

The next shot to my worldview was studying a course online at Edx about ignorance — the study of its nature and how it affected major problems in our society. One of the essential things I've heard of is how much of problems in society are confusing is because they touch on several fields — ranging from the politcal to the psychological or to the economical to the environmental.

Then I thought of the hobbies I've had in my life — I've counted more than 40. — how I often took ideas from one field to another — and I wondered — what if I could study how different ideas can combine? Not between any specific field — but to study in general what allows ideas to transfer to one to another? Find categories for similarities in fields no one has noticed, areas where transfer is more likely to happen, areas where transfer is less likely but allows more quality of ideas and so on. Then put these ideas into a program for a wide use . . . Then if possible, use it in mental health too.

It's not a specialized or deep perspective. But a more hollistic, the ultimate bird's eye perspective, and it could offer some things the other does not.

I  left it — I dismissed all my ideas — I was not worth anything and so my ideas weren't too. What if it's too risky? It would take away all my time. It's stupid. I was stupid. I don't work hard enough. I don't have enough allies. I was —

And today a voice came into my head — "Does it matter if you'll be succesful or that you're better at this than everyone else? That you might fail?

You feared failure because you failed no one would care about you if you did! But now there are people who give a s*** about you!

Come on. It could be a side project! Something to do in your free time. Something that would make being a jack of all trades, master of a few, more exciting. You don't have to do this with EVERY field. Just some, at your own pace.

What matters after all more is what's interesting. What gives you the kick! The delicious small "aha" moments along the way.

And this? This is one of the most fascinating things you've seen all your life."


I looked back on a list of guide questions I've made for this research that I've left alone in my files for a long time. It's been — what — months? A year since this idea was first formed and thinking about it over time? My intuition was reacting to it like light to a black hole. My wonder around it was exhilirating.

I'm not sure, but it seemed like every time I find something that would change my life even without knowing it at first — problem solving, mindfulness, enneagram and so on — my mind seems to lock into an incredible level of obsession for a very long time. The type of fascination where even if I keep avoiding it, being skeptical of it or getting terrified of it, I keep coming back.

I gulped and thought,

"Uhhhh. . . .I think I'm . . I think I'm going to faint. "



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 14, 2017, 08:09:30 PM
i hope you don't faint, d.r. 

i loved those questions you posed for yourself.  really, what does it matter, any of those things?  it's your life only, it's something that will keep you moving forward in your life, something that you're interested in, something that you are creating and can be creative about.  personally, i don't see a downside.

but, that's my perspective.  yours is your own, and if you have issues in the way of doing what you want, what you love, i hope you can find a way either around or thru them.  i think anything that excites us or that warms our heart is worth pursuing. 

sending a big hug filled with clarity and love.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on November 14, 2017, 09:35:48 PM
Hey Rocket!
What you describe and talk about I recognize so well, although my projects , hobbies and ideas have primarily been towards the creative side along with health and mental health and history.

I think Ive listened to the same ted talk as you.  About being a multipotentialite. There is a community out there for us. I also want to suggest you look into  Live Your Legend, maybe that place can help you towards a focus. It did for me, until I got too sick. But I will go back to that when I need direction again and I am strong enough.

I also would like to share with you Brene Browns ted talks and books, incase you havent come across her yet. She talks about shame and wholehearted living. I know emotions are difficult for you, but i still highly recommend her. 

Keep on going, Rocket.  You are awesome
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 15, 2017, 04:22:07 AM
I see. Thanks for the both of you. :)

San, I appreciate the encouragement.  :hug: Sceal, I'll try to go read on those things.  :bigwink: I've heard of those things but didn't look into them that much since other priorities came into my mind.

Another thing is that I got a talk with my therapist yesterday. He said a couple of things.

1) He said he noticed I have problems with trauma flashbacks and would assign me a psychologist for this soon. Something I've been avoiding for years.
2) He said my sensory hypersensitivity problems have most to do with noise, and so he'll assign me a therapist for that.
3)He said I greatly lacked social inference — the ability to make educated guesses of what other people are thinking or feeling — officially diagnosing being an Aspie. So he thought he'd assign me a therapy for this too.

My project with finding connections between things is beggining with Systems Thinking — the ability to solve and analyze things that have elements, are interconnected and have a purpose. If I'm going to study connections more deeply, I might as well study a field that emphasizes that study already. Then develop upon it further in more specified teams of fields.

That, or maybe I'll try what Sceal suggested first.

Honestly, I'm scared and curious at the same time — a very familiar combination. Somewhat ashamed and somewhat empowered.

It'd also help with my recovery — it would challenge me to face my own insecurities and fears for this. This, as well as train my tendency to avoid things I'm afraid of — on which I'll probably do since I avoid things most at the start of a project. Focus accelerates as time goes by though. Since much of my fears are developed from my fear of not knowing enough — working on my own ideas could be the ultimate challenge to that fear.

I asked myself a question once. "How do you see life and the world?" Life and the world is a connection of problems and opportunities. Cause and effect. Theories and Processes. Details and connections. Chaos and Order. Patterns in the past, present and future.

If I love solving so much, why not make my entire life into a collection of complex problems to solve?

Hahaha. This'll be interesting.

Haha.

I'm going . . . I'm going to watch random youtube videos now to avoid it all, aren't I?

Yes, yes I am.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope66 on November 19, 2017, 06:55:47 PM
Just wanted to say DecimalRocket, that I am glad you're in the forum, and the things you say are interesting and worthwhile - sending you a  :hug: and wishing you well today.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 20, 2017, 09:32:34 AM
Thanks Hope.  :hug:

Well, looks like I'm back.


Trigger Warning*** Emotional Neglect

I was anxious. Hyperventilating. The world seemed to be rushing away and I couldn't catch up.

If only if I could have communicated my problems years ago. If only I had more willpower. More problem solving skills. More fame. More anything to be listened to.

If only my mom didn't yell at me to stop when I was hiding my face in tears. If only my teachers didn't tell me it was wrong to cry.

If only I could have tried harder to ask about things I was confused about in life. When I was afraid a monster hidden in the darkness would kill me. When I was scared of dying of an illness even with no symptoms. When I was criticizing myself over and over. When I was overworking in school.

When I didn't have anyone to talk to when I fell in love with someone — who was the same gender as I was and was straight. When I literally questioned if reality did not exist. When I was pessimistic about the nature of relationships. When I saw the future as looming darkly over me at every moment of the day and even considered a quick end.

I could have talked to someone and be listened to all this time.

I felt both rage and grief over me. That poor poor damn kid! I wasn't just left behind! I was neglected! Abandoned! Why in the world would you teach a kid to silence their voice so that they would do everything outside basic physical needs themselves?! Why would you barely teach a kid any emotional life skills at all?!

I felt a tinge of happiness in me and suddenly, loud joy was bursting through. I felt my eyes water until I was just being flooded with tears. It was a mix of overwhelming pain and relief — as if the temparature of warm happiness was turned up to burning levels.

I felt disappointed at this joy — I was so overcome with emotion that I couldn't find the words to speak. And all I wanted at that moment was to do so.

I would talk about my problem with not being listening for the first time with a therapist even though with all the last therapists — I refused to share anything. The first time to my mom — who've managed to become kind even after being so easily angered years ago.

Yesterday was ordinary. I studied Systems thinking and the usual hobbies. I watched the usual show online when my brain was aching from all the mental work. I ate my usual snacks, sat in the usual sofa and had my usual curiosities.

Not a single emotional flashback that day.

I guess some of the best days are when nothing really happens.






Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: AphoticAtramentous on November 20, 2017, 11:34:03 AM
QuoteNot a single emotional flashback that day.

I guess some of the best days are when nothing really happens.
Nice to hear. :) And I feel the same way too, some of the best days are the uneventful ones - when everything is calm and quiet for once.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 21, 2017, 09:21:35 AM
Thanks, AA.  :hug: You haven't been on this forum for a bit. Glad you're back. I think you were my first friend on this forum.

....
When I read about and practiced meditation, it taught me about a type of happiness called Equanimity.

I was in a luminous jhana once — one of the most advanced meditation practices possible. I was supposed to focus on a light forming in my mind — the nimitta — and as I focused subtly, it began as small as the pinpoint of a pencil until it gradually grew to the size of a building.

It felt like I was dipping my toe into a pool of bliss until I entered in to fully submerge myself into the water. It was beautiful. Wonderous. Heaven. But like any dive under the water — I had to swim up to be able to breathe.

When it was done, I noticed about 20 minutes has passed. But in my mind, it truly felt like a million years.

But the bliss didn't remain in my life — I was addicted to the bliss — far too much. When it was gone, it made me greatly depressed. Deprived. I'd try to focus on my everyday life but my mind was consumed of the thoughts of this bliss. When I felt the bliss again, I was deeply disappointed at how it wasn't as strong as before or could have been.

I've asked around online and read enough books to learn that I was not truly happy — I had joy but not equanimity. Equanimity is satisfaction with life as it is — no matter what you are feeling.

When I practiced for equanimity, the intense bliss was gone and the depressive episodes weren't as strong. I'd learn how to grieve — let out suppresed emotions and was stuck with flashbacks again.

But today — I remember grieving. Being hurt. Afraid. Angry. I was so exhausted I fell alseep during class hours. But it was tempered with a softness — a gentleness and an embracing acceptance of it.

I was thinking of Systems thinking again — the study of how to analyze things that have elements, a purpose and connected that are self sustaining and evolving through time. It was beautifully precise in how it categorized the world. It was more versatile in understanding than mathematics. It was the right amount of complex and the right amount of simplicity.

I didn't want to just know the system of culture, science, politics, language or whatever — I wanted to understand the system of my life itself in the most vigorously precise way possible.

Maybe this is why I wanted equanimity. Not just because I wanted true happiness — but because I could accept any truth of the world I could find. I'd be willing to sacrifice  joy . . . for the truth.

It was not intense bliss anymore nor even a feeling of quiet all the time — but it had equanimity.

Maybe that was all I needed.




Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 22, 2017, 12:46:48 PM
Trigger warning*** Extreme loneliness and self hatred

I have a confession about myself and I predict that when I'd share it, I'd experience indescribable pain. These last few days have been good, but now everything is just . . . horribly broken in me.

Haha. But who'd bother listening and comforting me when I say so, would they? If I'd be rained down with critcism then maybe that's because I deserve it. And maybe people giving me the silent treatment would squeeze that pain into me even more, what can I say? Right now, I don't think I deserve to feel any happiness then — I'm a disgusting *** after all.

You see . . . when I was a child. . . I dreamed of murder. Now, now, don't worry — I have none of these wishes right now . . . 0%. But I still remember it.

I thought it would allow me more attention. More people who'd know my name. I'd daydream about an "audience" who'd see my showcasing of violence.

I never did it because I was afraid I'd be caught. But I thought of it . . . very often.

I've been bullied and I sought revenge on my bullies by beating them up hard. But they were often too fast. I've become a bully myself and the other students would either cheer me or get scared of me. My mom had reacted to my tantrums of hurt by shouting at me and getting angry. My teachers were telling me not to cry. . . Not to get angry.

I remember feeling barely any empathy for other people. I barely remember a much of closeness, love or companionship with anyone I've talked to.

And this would often break me — Someone love . . . a kid like me? Who would? Of course, nobody would. Later, my own cruelties would stop and I've become more neutral. Distant. Neither mean and neither kind.

I've trained myself to feel empathy for months — even though a shred of it meant utter terror at the feeling for days straight. I've train loving kindness meditation for months and it would take months for me to feel any of that loving kindness. I'd feel desperately confused at any love I felt and I went through most of it alone. Just like . . . most of every problem I had in life.

I didn't do it be kind. I did it so I would deserve love and care. I feel for people now that I get afraid when I don't know enough or can't solve everything — because I want to know enough to be able to solve problems for others someday, dammit. And repay the world the love I felt when people first listened to my problems . . . I'd do everything for that.

But still, I . . . there's a part of me that's still selfish. That demands attention even though I'm burdening others. A part of me that's angry at not enough people listening even when clearly they are trying their hardest and they're trying to deal with their own difficult lives. I envy all the other people here who get listened more than I do. I've listened to others here because I cared, but now I listen more because I want to be thanked and listened . . . recognized for something.

Damn it. All this years of ridding off selfishness and I'm still stuck with it.

I really don't deserve this at all. Maybe I'll just go leave this forum. Give up. I've been uncontrollably crying for a while now, and well . . . I don't know.

I no longer think I deserve to be here after all . . . No longer.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: camille13512 on November 22, 2017, 02:58:27 PM
Decimal, I can relate to your post a lot. All the horrible dreams and imagination, and the uncontrollable feeling of "not deserve to be, to do, to exist". But there is one thing I am slowly learning, and I want you know that too. Ideas do not hurt people. You chose to not act on any of the ideas, no matter what the reasoning is. You may tell yourself that it's because you are afraid of consequences. The tricky thing about idea or thought is that once they appear, they do not disappear. Those ideas may include the ideas we are afraid of, and the ones that intimidate us. To me it is an incredible courage to fight against those ideas so frequently without giving into them.  It is hypocritical for me to say this aloud, as I am struggling with the very same thing. But I want you to know that I am so glad and grateful that you are here, posting, reaching out, and replying to others' posts including mine. You said you did it out of selfishness, but when I am on the receiving end it doesn't really matter whether your intention is genuinely altruism or a mixture of both. Your words are genuine enough. The fact that you did it is genuine enough. You must have heard this a lot already, but I'll say it again: you are not alone in this. It does feel an individual, isolated battle all the time, but you are not alone. You told me once to take my pace and be patient with myself, so if you don't mind, I wish to share those time and kindness with you back. Hope you don't mind a warm hug :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 25, 2017, 12:00:04 PM
Thanks Camille. Sorry to worry you with the outburst there. That flashback was particularly stressing me out. And yes, I guess I was biased in the evidence against myself. Big sigh here really.

....

The strategy I thought of before coming on this forum is quite complete. You see — I have a certain philosophy in personal development — change the entire long term nature of improvement with strategy rather than just repeating the same long term vision over and over.

Now what do I mean by that? Ah, if you happened to read what I said long ago on this journal, you'd remember that I divided my life into different periods like a historian does.

I'd call this part of my life the interdependence age while the one before that the independence age. The first I focused on dealing with emotional intelligence skills that involved my own emotional awareness, individual emotional management, problem solving and discipline. This began when I was a child working on myself alone.

This time my strategy was changed to focus on gaining more allies and skills in relationships — and of course, for moral reasons, that I repay them in some way if possible. I did that by first dealing with my intense distrust of others by first opening up online for more than a year then in real life recently. Since then I've gained insights and support from various forums, online chatrooms, other students in real life, teachers, neighbors, relatives and recently, therapists. This took about 2 years in comparison.

One of the weirdest things is that for much of my life, people often moved away from me. But now I seem to have this ability to attract willing help for some reason — Eh. What happened?

Now if I focused the first part of my life on thinking skills — like analysis, independent reasoning or problem solving skills . . . then another part of my life focusing on emotional skills like my own emotional acceptance and compassion towards other people. . . I wonder what benefit I could have on working on skills for the health of my own physical body — I could use the energy.

I did promise people who've helped me before that I'd repay the world in some way. So I intend to do just that — with strategy, my formal studies, my free time projects and action.

Heh. Well, this sounds interesting.

I'd rather have a difficult and fascinating life than an easy and uninteresting life.

So let's see . . . what I can figure out.

Problem is though . . . is that I don't have the energy to get more energy.





Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 25, 2017, 04:41:12 PM
d.r., maybe you need to rest a bit, let the world go by for a while.  you're so busy all the time with research, logic, strategies, problem-solving - whew!  that takes an awful lot of energy.  one of the most useful things my recent t told me was that for right now, i know enough.  it's ok to just be for awhile.

pretty new concept.  didn't quite know what to do with that.  i took a break from here, from research, focused on me as just being who i am.  it didn't take too long until i could feel some energy returning, but i wanted to utilize it differently.  keep it focused more on myself cuz that's where it needed to go.

don't know if that strikes a chord with you, but it's helped me.  it's allowed me to delve into those emotional places that had been absent or neglected.  i feel a bit more of a whole person.  so, if it helps, i'll pass that along to you.  it's ok to take a break and just be you.

sending a hug filled with warmth and love.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on November 25, 2017, 11:06:44 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on November 25, 2017, 12:00:04 PM
Problem is though . . . is that I don't have the energy to get more energy.

I really know how this feels! Years of that. I'd say I have the t-shirt  ;)
It has been getting better though, with trauma-informed t. Hope it'll get better for you too.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 26, 2017, 12:01:38 AM
 Blueberry, it's a shame you feel that way too. Thank you for wishing me better. :).

Yes, San, I recognize I need to rest more. Just thought I'd brainstorm what I might do next without actually doing them. None of this is final actually.

But sure, I do need a lot of rest these days now that I think about it. I've been feeling weak lately from trying to catch up with what I missed in my studies . . . as well as grieving my past sometimes.

But it's not as bad as you think. . . I do a lot of resting — I just don't find it that interesting to post what I'm doing as a break. Also, the act of brainstorming, analyzing and planning in this way is energizing to me — it's when I carry out these plans too much that it becomes stressful. I'm more of a thinker than a doer after all and to actually go without thinking enough for my brain to ache painfully on a regular basis is even more stressful.

I have a certain guideline when I dedicate myself to a project for others — that out of everything — I need to find it interesting.  There are a lot of ways I could have helped people even better but won't because I find it boring — especially intellectually boring. Curiosity comes before compassion, and in that sense, I focus on myself more than you think.

But sometimes I need a break from thinking too. I've been binge watching an adventure action show lately. Nothing more pleasant than watching two young boys travel, train and beat the * out of their opponents while living the power of friendship! Bwahahaha.

Thanks anyway though.  :hug:

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope66 on November 26, 2017, 01:02:04 PM
Hi DecimalRocket,
I like your guideline about ensuring a project you take on is interesting - I think that shows you are selecting things that are meaningful to you - and I admire that.
Glad you're enjoying watching the Adventure Action show - you're so right about how it's good to take a break and enjoy something.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 27, 2017, 09:55:44 AM
Thanks for the affirmations Hope. :) I was a little anxious about what other people would think but you were the opposite of what I thought would happen.

...


It was unpredictable. . . an unpredictable day. And the unpredictable could be stressful. Tiring. Exhausting. Catching up with my studies is tough.

I'd have preferred ideally if the world was categorized into certain patterns of time, effort and energy required — and there would be some type of machine that can analyze that through the amount of estimated energy in your body and brain presented in numerical levels compared with the average of the general population's energy levels around a certain activity.

Thinking this, I was anxious what people thought of me . . . so I did a technique called "The Shadow" which involves imagining someone who's giving you advice without planning what they should say — only letting their ideas flow . . . so the ideas from your own subconscious would come.

Friend: That's because you don't seem to understand context.
Me : Context?
Friend : Remember when you talked about the people who didn't believe you? Well, if you look at the context, you were more stressed out during that time and wasn't able to explain properly. This means people will not always not believe you. Think of another example.
Me : Well, I'm afraid this one lady won't believe me on a forum. I don't know — when I clear up misunderstandings, I assume the other party is hurt in some way
Friend : Sounds like you're projecting your past emotional responses to other people again. When other people's thoughts and emotions sound exactly like yours to you, then you're probably not empathizing well.
Me : Uhh, so what next?
Friend : What's their history and personality? Context again. Different people act differently.
Me : Well, she's changed her mind before, so I think she'll believe me.
Friend : Other forms of context?

... And this context thing would continue. It cleared up some anxiety around people but I was still anxious.

Me : Sigh.
Friend : It's alright if you don't get people. You're oddly sweet, you know. You'll get there.
Me : I'm embarrassed. I can be . . . different. I can be warm, humorous and easygoing. I can also be more logical, detailed, and more serious. Both sides are real. . . just. . . one side is more likeable. The other side is more likely to get snores. And the second, well, is the more dominant side of me.
Friend : Well, I like you — all of you.
Me : Well. . . who knows.

When I think of understanding people, I think of qualitative research. Compared to quantitative research, it has context. You're not just watching your subject from a detached point of view. You have to create some kind of subjective understanding of a person to understand them in interaction.

In other words, to understand people . . .

I had to be more than just an observer.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 27, 2017, 03:56:05 PM
d.r., i really enjoy your dialogues.  such creativity.  such truths.

i don't think any one of us can totally understand any other one of us.  context, itself, can be subjective.  like, yeah, i can relate to being emotionally neglected like you (as an example), but the pure context of that situation will be completely personal.  it won't have been done by exactly the same person in exactly the same way, time, or place in our lives. 

you mentioned before that as you're getting more in touch with your emotional side, that you are also now feeling more of others' pain.  that must mean you are becoming more than just an observer already.  it sounds like a shift has been made.  that, to me, my friend, is magic.  the magic of the universe.  non-logical.  does that give you context?

i don't know.  i do think it gives you something valuable, tho.  it gives you the knowledge that life and interaction are more than logic and reasoning.  i see you growing, d.r., in a fine and wonderful way.  beautiful.  magical.  sparkling.

big hug to you, sweetie, filled with continuance and love. 
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 28, 2017, 10:12:19 AM
——
Thanks San. :) Your kindness is a type of magic itself as well.

I understand how love can be magic. It's a strange thing — to be able to enjoy things with feelings and not due to how intellectually fascinating something is. Maybe that's why I listen to more music these days. Heh.

Yes, we can never fully understand people just like people can never fully understand the world or the universe. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to understand what we can more anyway.

The first step to analysis is not to gather information. It's to believe whatever you want to understand isn't as random or lacking in causes as you think. To believe in order when there is chaos.

It's not just something found in math or science. It's a way of life. It's a special kind of courage to try to understand something you can never fully understand or might never would.

Deep clarity is a rare thing. To see your life and the world without bias is one of the most difficult things anyone can do — to see it clearly without arrogance, to see it clearly without a lack of confidence, to see it clearly without caring what others think, to see it clearly without fear of the future, to see it clearly with whatever shame or anger you feel and to see it clearly beyond culture and setting. And to use this as wisdom to drive your life and others' better.

You misunderstand when you say love and kindness is non-logical. When I can find compassion where I find shame and when I can find belongingness where there's loneliness — then that allows a levelheadedness that allows me to be more objective to find clarity. The best logic isn't found in ignoring emotions. It's found in working with emotions.

That's my plan after all.

All I wanted all my life was to understand — but I didn't realize that so much of my pain was because I wasn't willing to share what I understood with other people. It's a healing thing to allow others more clarity and other people allowing more clarity in myself.

And that's . . . that's magic. The magic I want more in my life and why I want to be listened to.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 28, 2017, 03:50:57 PM
i hear you, d.r.  i think we may simply have some different perspectives here, and nothing wrong with that.

i find love to be magical because it is, to me, so illogical at times.  i have no logic or understanding about the wave of fierce love i felt when my daughters were born.  i didn't feel it before they were born.  they were just passengers i was carrying around.   

so, there are things that defy logic to me, and i'm ok with that.   and, i believe that as long as you're comfortable with your worldview, that's what matters most.  we don't have to understand each others'.  it's what makes us the diverse individuals we are.

nevertheless, i'll keep listening.  your perspective may be different than mine, but it's still interesting to me.  as are you.  big hug filled with love and acceptance to you, my dear.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 29, 2017, 01:42:02 PM
San, I appreciate you sharing your view here even if it's different. It's interesting.

The idea that things can be beautiful because they have no reason or make no sense seems absolutely opposite to what I care about in life — but this seems to be what makes you kind so I love that part of you.

Developing compassion more is illogical in some ways now that I think about it — feeling pain when others' feel pain certainly isn't really an enjoyable experience, but for some reason I feel I should feel it anyway.

Ah, fascinating, and honestly, pretty confusing. Feeling empathy is getting more overwhelming too, especially with this forum. So this is what people mean by "this broke my heart" when they see someone hurting. How do you people deal with these feelings so often?

My empathy before was more distant and mechanically polite when I first came on this forum. But now I feel things more deeply. I feel people's greatest joy and their greatest hurt. I want everything to make sense, but these feelings have no sense. It's scary.

It's scary.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on November 29, 2017, 01:45:33 PM
IMO, we must develop a healthy amount of empathy, because we need it to express to our own Inner, hurting Children. Without it, there's no understanding what they went thru, no communicating with them.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 29, 2017, 11:50:23 PM
Thanks Three Roses, but sigh. I knew that and I'm not going to stop developing empathy any time soon, but I still struggle with my confusion around it. I've been getting like this for more than a year now whenever I grow more empathetic enough. It's stupid, I know, but I can't stop it that easily.

Maybe I'll just go hide under a rock in embarassment . . . and tell myself the evolutionary reason for compassion is to create a reciprocal feedback loop of help towards each other to create a win-win response of cooperation that is beneficial to all parties involved in the long term.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on November 30, 2017, 12:00:21 AM
Uh oh, did I offend you? I was trying to be supportive ... :doh: I'm sorry if I did
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 30, 2017, 03:00:58 AM
d.r., my dear.  i believe you're beginning to feel your emotions/feelings, which would, indeed, be scary.  it has been for me, especially when i first felt fear.  i basically asked the same question on this forum 'how do you live with feeling like this all the time?'

it is scary to have another, illogical part of you begin to open up, especially when you've relied on logic and making sense of everything during your life.  i've done the same thing in my own way.  this whole emotion/feeling gig is a brand new world.  slowly, slowly, step by step. 

i think it's why humans are classified as 'social animals'.  otherwise, if we were all logic, we'd be just as comfortable with robots and their lack of warmth.  as it is, we come together in community, even an online community such as this one.  and, i'm guessing that the pain of others can break our hearts over and over because we have such big hearts to begin with.  there's plenty of room in our hearts for the joys and sorrows of others - the joys are mending the parts that get broken by sorrow.

just my take on it.  maybe not yours, but i'm ok with that.  thank you for the kind words.  i love that you're accepting of something so totally different from what you've cultivated all your life.   big, warm, loving hug to you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on November 30, 2017, 11:35:51 AM
Thank you, San, I needed that.  :hug:

I'm getting really stressed out by all these feelings at the moment. It seems like there's a whole new range of emotions whose growth were dulled from trauma, and now I'm feeling them.

Unlike you, I was a lot more connected to fear — fear is often what drove me to problem solve, but in that case, I also supressed my empathy. I believed that if I cared for others, I'd have less time to work on problem solving my life. . . but it seems that the thing that would make me grow the most are feeling these feelings rather than thinking more. Maybe that's why it's so overwhelming — these feelings might be the empathy locked up in me for years.

I feel terrible, but I feel more . . connected to people. I feel like a lot of pain over not being heard enough feel at ease — it feels like I've been at war all my life without knowing it and finally it ended — with me still feeling shaken but with a strong sense of relief.

I didn't understand why people watched tv shows and movies that made them feel terrible for another character. . . I only watched to analyze these characters intellectually. . . but I don't know, it's bad but so good. I thought I would leave the brutal action show I was watching because of all that empathy pain, but for some reason I feel like staying and cheering on those characters further. And I feel the same way with real life people too now.

I guess the more terrible you feel with someone's sorrow, the more happier you feel being connected to them. Eh — love is strange, for sure. Very strange.

I'll give myself a break for now. . . With alexithymia, it's going to be more difficult to process all these new feelings and it's been taking me more than two hours to figure out exactly what happened for me to feel this way. Sigh.

I think I'm going to cry . . .
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 30, 2017, 03:48:47 PM
standing right beside you, d.r.  you are definitely not alone with this.  it definitely can be overwhelming, but i'm glad for you at the same time i hate that you've been robbed of these feelings, these connections for so long.

we'll make it, sweetie.  big warm loving hug to you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on November 30, 2017, 09:35:26 PM
Standing beside you too DecimalRocket. It sounds like you're making lots of progress and that it is also a confusing time for you in this progress. I often feel that when I've had a breakthrough everything's a bit topsy-turvy for a while. Then it straightens out again, then there's another wave, another breakthrough, more topsy-turvy and on and on.

When I first started therapy I knew only fear and various degrees of anger and rage as feelings. Letting in other feelings can be overwhelming but it's also on the road to recovery. You're on that road too.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: ah on December 01, 2017, 12:23:53 PM
when I read this I felt a combination of things, bitter-sweet. Bitter because it can be so overwhelming, and unfamiliar. Sweet because you're growing and growing and growing, and it's beautiful to see.
i'd feel stressed and tired if I were you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 01, 2017, 01:15:29 PM
Thanks San, Blueberry and Ah. I'd love to individually respond to each of you, but expressing myself emotionally — including appreciation — is getting a little bit too stressful for me now . . mostly because I don't really want to acknowledge how grateful I am to all of you.

I'm humiliated at how experienced I am logically, and how terrible I am emotionally — I just feel you people would abandon me.

Warmth is terrifying to me. My distress around confusion is more intense than my distress over embarrassment, shame, disgust and anger. Safety to me means something that can be understood, researched, theorized on, analyzed and solved — and what love often demands of me is to feel it . . . passively without logic. This makes me feel utterly helpless.

Without thinking, I'm naked. Without thinking, I'm forced to surrender. Without thinking, the only thing I can do is to trust a feeling — a stranger to me all these years — with absolute faith. My love of thinking has been my joy, my meaning and my will to live in life. . . Not this.

I'm taking the advice of others here to let these feelings come out slowly at a time. What's left in this emotional numbing is curiosity and wonder — a nice familiar anchor in my life, the usual fear of not understanding things enough to survive life . .  . and a small amount of warmth that wasn't there before.

I've taken lots of naps, rested in analysis and research mode, and I feel calmer . . . but I have to go back to the rest of my emotions eventually to feel them. I still feel really tired though. . . heavy physically.

But I'm too curious to give it up now. All these years I was just wondering why people saw love as this one big great thing when I felt nothing with people. . . . I wanted to understand the world as much as I could and I've learned that meant I had to understand it in every perspective possible — including a more emotional type of truth.

And well, when I'm curious . . . what can stop me?

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 01, 2017, 03:11:20 PM
QuoteI just feel you people would abandon me.

We wouldn't, we are all here to give and get support. :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 01, 2017, 04:11:05 PM
not gonna happen, d.r.  we're in this together. 

struggling with this emotional side has been a challenge.  i love that you can be curious about it.  draw to your strengths.

i didn't understand most of the emotional side of being human, either, especially about people being afraid.  when i first felt and acknowledged it in myself here, i was very messy about it, worried, too, that this 'flaw' (as i saw it) would cause me to be disconnected from others.  instead, the warmth and acceptance was always there, welcoming me closer, encouraging me to be with my emotional reality.

the people here kept it up, kept accepting and encouraging me, and it became easier and easier to explore this unfamiliar emotional realm.  i don't have it all together emotionally by a long shot, but they are breaking thru bit by bit, step by step.  it can be painful, scary, frustrating, and overwhelming at times, but, as i've said before, i'm feeling more whole as a person than ever.

you've been grounded in facts and logic through this - i used to float thru life, rarely touching ground.  that's exactly how it felt to me, floaty.  i'm feeling less of that these days, more grounded.  it's different, but good.  i'm feeling more peaceful, which is also new.  but, i like it.

so, if warmth terrifies you, would you like a break from sending you warm, loving hugs?  how about a safe cyber hug   :hug:.  better?  i can do that.  i don't want you to feel overwhelmed if how i respond is too much for you.  slowly, step by step.  if you ever get ready for more, let me know.   i'm here for you (unless i get too overwhelmed by something in my own life, then i'm not here for anybody). 

i really think you're doing good, d.r.  this is tough stuff.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 02, 2017, 02:58:10 AM
Thanks you two.

San, I think you're right in mentioning that your way of talking to me is too much for me at the moment. But I only post when I'm asking for something like this and I rather you assume to do so unless I say otherwise.I guess I should take a break from this place — I can feel the emotions of being overwhelmed creeping up the more I stay here.

I'll leave this forum for a bit, unless I miss you people too much and come back — which is why I'm so willing to come despite all the discomfort I have around emotions. I could use a break to something that would allow me to detach from my feelings into logic . . . as I notice the awkwardness around this place is slowly making me more irritable and tired too much.

Well, see you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 02, 2017, 05:26:43 AM
Take care! I'm glad you're taking steps to take care of yourself.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 02, 2017, 03:16:30 PM
also glad you're being careful for yourself.  we'll be here whenever you decide it's ok to return.  your own pace, your own space.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 02, 2017, 09:19:59 PM
Quote from: Three Roses on December 01, 2017, 03:11:20 PM
QuoteI just feel you people would abandon me.

We wouldn't, we are all here to give and get support. :hug:

Ditto!

I'm glad you're recognising what you need and honouring that by taking a break from the forum.  :cheer:      See you when you come back whenever it's good for you.  :wave:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 03, 2017, 11:51:32 AM
Heh. Thanks guys, but it turns out I'm more attached to this place than I thought. I find showing my deeper emotions here deeply uncomfortable yet I really miss this place. When I read the updates around my posts here -- I think I might have felt my face heat up red and something wildly panicking inside me. But I'm still here . . .

The more I know and analyze about something, the less it scares me. So I thought I'd observe these new feelings of connection for certain patterns to feel more at ease.

It seems I'm partially dissociated. I think of my thoughts and ideas as "myself" and see my feelings, the feelings that are empathetic reactions to other people, as "something else invading me". I guess this is why I find it so disturbing.

I miss people more. Missing people isn't new to me as I've felt this before (On which the first time I did I outright panicked at the shock of something so bizarre happening.). What's strange is that it happens so much more often -- I guess I have to get used to this sadness somehow or find a way to deal with it.

I find the concept of beauty in emotions strange. I've seen emotions in myself and others as fascinating to analyze -- much like a psychologist studying people with a detached perspective, but to see it in a way artists do as "beauty" is another thing. I've cried at a song recently - on which I've never done before -- probably because of this new empathy thing and how the singer described being emotionally neglected too. I was grieving . . . but there was a pleasant feeling I didn't really get before. . . something I'd call beautiful.

I also seem to get a more physicist understanding of beauty -- which if you don't know about is how physicists talk about finding equations that explain incredibly complex things in the simplest way as "beautiful". Ah, I seem to feel what they mean now -- even outside physics when things are explained wonderfully simply. I find this stance. . . a lot less confusing than the rest mentioned..

I find emotions uncomfortable is because it feels more involuntary than logic. I can change my thoughts but I can never seem to fully stop my feelings. I find it a little bit disturbing how my inner emotional worlds change with others now.

I'm a little bit more extroverted than before now that I'm more attached to people. I still spend most of my time pondering things alone though but there's a noticeable difference. . .I wonder how I'll adjust to this change?

I've read some advice online on how to make empathy less overwhelming -- like centering or visualization exercises -- it worked well. But for some reason later on I missed feeling the pain of others and did whatever I could to feel this way again -- I find it strange how this can be a pleasant experience. . . Oh well.

I'm a little more sentimental. There's this practice I've observed where people mull over memories of their times with others. . . on which I'm confused about because there is no logical purpose. I feel sad thinking of memories like these, but enjoy it somehow.

Is it me or I got more likable with other people? I usually maintain some likability because that genuine childlike curiosity and wonder for about everything can be charming - even getting a little excitable sometimes (And a lot less serious in real life.) . . but there's . . .something else now.

Conclusion : Emotions are weird.

Very weird.

But very very very interesting. . . and terrifying.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 03, 2017, 02:49:48 PM
they are weird, i totally agree.  uncontrollable, yes, but we can control how we respond to them.  sometimes it takes practice just feeling them, sometimes it's more of an active response, such as pacing ourselves, or how to express them. 

i once heard that in the emotional realm, we need to acknowledge, accept, identify, and express our emotions/feelings.  acknowledge that we have something going on, accept that it's there and part of your being, identify what the emotion/feeling is, and express it appropriately.  (i'm still not very good at this - sometimes if i get to the expressing part, it kind of explodes before i can figure out what would be appropriate.  still learning.)

it's interesting to me how your analytical view is intermingled with the actuality of feeling things.  i'm enjoying this new perspective.  you're digging into it while i used to float thru/above it.   and i love that you're seeing beauty where you never knew it existed.  i think that's so cool.

thanks for sharing this, d.r.  it's like i'm watching a flower bloom, and it's wondrous to behold.     :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 03, 2017, 04:12:58 PM
This comment struck a chord of recognition with me:
QuoteI find emotions uncomfortable is because it feels more involuntary than logic.

And I found myself nodding, yes, like something that's happening to me, rather than something I'm doing.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 04, 2017, 10:29:26 AM
I'd think up something to thank you two, but I'm just . . . really tired. More exhausted than I've ever been in a long time.

I spent a lot of time grieving today. A lot of time crying. I know that I'm supposed to pace my emotions, but they just came rushing out. I don't know — it seems all this new feelings of love awakened flashbacks of times when I've had utter hopeless and pessimism over the idea of the emotion. Believing that love was impossible. Believing no one could be trusted. Believing I didn't deserve love. Believing I was utterly worthless and useless to others due to my own weakness.

I don't know if this increased compassion would even do me much good. Can't help on solving problems when the potential of my own brilliance and curiosity is drowned out by EFs and my own hypervigilance. Can't help give support emotionally when my own heart is breaking from the stress. And I'm not really special in anything physically.

You know. . . I'd love to analyze something relaxing. What's the difference between a stressful problem and a relaxing problem to solve to me you ask? Well, in a relaxing problem, I get to analyze it at my own pace. No schedules — just follow my curiosity at the time I want to. I get to solve it because I truly am fascinated, not because I'm afraid of what happens if I won't. I can learn it in my own way and get to learn it somewhere quiet.

Sigh, if only every problem in my life was a problem like that.

Ah, man, and now I'm crying again. . .

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 04, 2017, 04:50:08 PM
d.r., i know you also posted this as a difficult day, and i responded there.  you have been so special for me, all i can say is thank you for being you. 

of course you're exhausted - this is really hard work you're doing.  your brain is making connections it hadn't before and that takes a lot of energy.  i hope you give yourself some time to rest, take care of yourself, and just relax.  sounds like time for a break.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: woodsgnome on December 04, 2017, 05:05:54 PM
Decimal Rocket, I love your description of the relaxed state of problem solving. It seems beyond the hypervigilance many of us are coming from as we grope for ways to get out of this grand funk called cptsd.

"No schedules — just follow my curiosity at the time I want to. I get to solve it because I truly am fascinated", is how you put it. I sometimes refer to this as my 'playing  with options' mode and it truly does seem to clear the mind's cobwebs, like freeing up space on a computer. The abusers of my youth would punish me for thinking I had any say over my own being, but now they're mute and I'm in control.

The crying reaction I relate to as well. It's when I look around and realize--I'm really free to be this way, to think, analyze, but also to relax into any answers...and let tears come, too. Sometimes the search doesn't find answers, and that's okay--it does give options for what happened, and what I can really do about it now. So the tears are of both sadness and freedom. Freedom--to be me--at last; relaxed; and able to have the new dreams chase the old ones away.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 04, 2017, 10:07:37 PM
love the visual of dream chasers, wg.  i've only ever heard of dream catchers.  this is a good one.  thanks.  big hug.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 05, 2017, 10:09:58 AM
Hey, thank you two for that.

I had to stay home rather than go to classes today from being too weak and sick to go. I've regained energy quickly enough though that I think I could go back tomorrow — partly thanks to you two.

I've thought about what San said to me earlier. That she was growing emotionally a lot from me just by learning what I've been through. And how it has to do with the relaxed problem solving w.g mentioned. We think of teachers guiding students, but we don't see how students guide teachers.

When I've asked for advice online, I've given the people the opportunity to learn how to mentor. When I share what I'm going through emotionally, others learn a little bit more about the human condition.

When I ask help in hobbies, I can ask questions no one asks.When I ask for help in my studies, I can ask questions that that people may be too afraid to ask.

Maybe I'm already contributing to this world. . . just by wanting to learn. We praise people who've found the answers to the questions, but we never seem to praise people who've found those questions in the first place.

After thinking this, I went and found other sites to share ideas in my interests for the first time in a long time. I feared what others thought and I found it too uninteresting to explain to others what I knew — but now I enjoyed sharing what I knew and getting feedback. I enjoyed expressing myself, and being able to feed other's need to know too.

When curiosity and compassion mixes, I wonder what could happen?

I'm fascinated . . . and terrified.

Too terrified.

I feel the inner critic shouting at me for speaking up again, and I lied down trying to figure out how to quiet my overactive mind while my mind slowly detached from my emotions. Then bury myself into unrelated research.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 05, 2017, 03:01:34 PM
even as a therapist, with all my 'book' learning, i learned even more from my clients about the human condition.  the teacher does, indeed, learn from the student if that teacher is willing to have an open mind and heart.  i believe we learn emotionally as well as logically.  it's all connected, just as all of us are.

i'm glad you're taking breaks from this as it becomes too much for you.  i'm also sorry that this has made you sick.  been there, done that, so i can relate.  but you can already tell you're getting your energy back, so, only a temporary setback.  yay.

keep taking care of you, d.r.  you are special, indeed, and have contributed a lot of good to the world.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 07, 2017, 09:29:33 AM
Thank you, San, for being there as always.  :hug:

I've been talking about being dissociated from my emotions, especially love. But I've realized.  . . I've dissociated from my own body and the idea that reality exists.

I thought I'd use grounding techniques and pay attention to my senses on the bus ride home to deal with the dissociation, and what I discovered might have been one of the strangest things I've become aware of in my life.

I passed the clean roads, large houses and sideways full of bushy trees feeling strange. I asked myself : Was this real? Was I real? And I heard no answer.

I struggled to pay attention as the bus passed the bustling intersection, with the traffic lights and the walls covered with graffiti and images of people on bikes. I stared at my hands and was surprised I had them. I was surprised when I reminded myself of my name, my gender, my age and date.

I watched as I passed through grand tall city buildings and felt surprised at how small I was. I was surprised I was human . . . I was surprised I lived in my own country, lived in this city.

I felt a peacefulness and joy, but these feelings didn't seem to be mine. It seemed I was just watching someone else. A tv character. A character from a daydream. Anything but reality.

I passed the slums filled with dirty concrete walls and floors, people in cheap clothing and cardboard boxes of objects to sell. I was surprised these people were real, surprised anyone I saw so far on the ride home was supposed to be real. Surprised at the mix of wealth and poverty was real.

I finally entered a small area full of middle class looking houses where my home was. I looked around the familiar environment, and yet . . .nothing felt truly real.

I just, just wanted to feel something. I felt a distant sense of peace, but I wanted more of that. My usual curiosity has deadened. My own warmth for people has shortened. Don't get me wrong, it's better than before without the intense fear and there are some feelings around . . but something wrong is still left here.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Andyman73 on December 07, 2017, 02:06:00 PM
DR,

I wanted to visit you here. You have been quite patient and accepting of me. I really appreciate that, and you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Andrew
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 07, 2017, 07:42:30 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 07, 2017, 09:29:33 AM
I've dissociated from my own body and the idea that reality exists.

I thought I'd use grounding techniques and pay attention to my senses on the bus ride home to deal with the dissociation, and what I discovered might have been one of the strangest things I've become aware of in my life.

I passed the clean roads, large houses and sideways full of bushy trees feeling strange. I asked myself : Was this real? Was I real? And I heard no answer.

DR, I just wanted to say that this is how dissociation felt to me as a child. I'd ask myself strange questions like "Am I real?", "What if I were someone else?". Later on maybe in my early 30's, when I knew roughly what dissociation was, I had another spell like this.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 08, 2017, 12:50:26 PM
Thanks Andy and Blueberry for dropping by. I can't provide a thought out reply at the moment, BECAUSE IM PANICKING RIGHT NOW. But thank you both. Really.

Something unexpected happened.

I dealt with my EFs the same way I had before, by grieving, crying, angering, verbalizing and so on today. . . . But after that. . .

Well, you see, I thought after I would have dealt with dissociation, I'd have gotten back all my emotions back. My fear. My curiosity. My sadness. My gratitude. My anger. My relaxation. My shame. My blame. My hatred. My love.

But no, there was something else.

For a couple of weeks now, I've been focusing on a friend of mine in my memories the most. I've thought it was more fondness of him as a friend I've known for several months, but then I daydreamed about spending time together, holding hands, kissing, future  and all kinds of strange things. The less I dissociated, the more I felt this way. . .

Oh.

Oh.

OH.

I've been suppressing romantic love too?

This hasn't happened once in my life, except for a girl I had similar feelings with. She had to leave contact with me since she had her own problems in her life, and it broke my heart. And now I might get stuck feeling that again — but with a guy instead of a girl. Oh no. . .

Wait a minute, I don't have time to fall in love. What about my own nerdy projects? This is one of the most irrational things I've felt. I felt something tingly between my legs and it suddenly registered that I've been suppressing sexual attraction too. . . Oh, so that's what it was. Oh come on!

And why am I so. . . so . . .giddy.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Andyman73 on December 08, 2017, 06:25:05 PM
DR,
That's a boat load of emotional logjam there, my friend.

It's okay if you're too overcome to respond to me. It's okay. Really.  You get to it when you get to it. Or don't. That's okay to. While I hope for replies, I trained myself(not very successfully either, I might add)to not expect responses. Just so much easier that way, hurts so much less. Don't want to hijack your thread again, so, just gonna leave that alone.

I so completely understand the love and sexual attraction situation. So really do. Honestly I really can't ever remember anyone, IRL being in love or lust with me. Or even plainly just attracted to me. So..I have no idea what that looks like on someone else who feels that way towards me. As for what I feel...I try so very very hard...maybe harder than any other time, to suppress any feelings of love or attraction or lust towards anyone IRL.  That is just one area of my life where I been hurt far too many times, and I can't afford that again. Especially now, after all my memories have been coming back. About 6 or 7 months ago I made the lethal mistake of sharing my feelings with someone. I've had only 1 contact with them since then. And that was just to tell me they were leaving the company we work for, and moving out of the area too. Before that point of sharing, we had been in constant daily contact.

See, I love far too easily, but can't share it, the risk is far too great. But I am the way I am, so, many people enjoy my company, at least, on line, here, they do. IRL...my social interaction is extremely limited, due to many factors.
Okay...I'll be quiet now. Sorry for doing it again.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 08, 2017, 08:00:50 PM
DR, I know it's important for you to get replies. I read your post. And I'm afraid to say anything in case it's wrong. Don't know what to say anyway. :blink: :blink:    I leave that whole area of romantic what-not out of my life. That isnt healthy either, but much easier for me. Hope somebody replies who has more clue.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 08, 2017, 08:01:19 PM
well well well, d.r., look at you.  sounds like that teenager you has come out to  peek at the world.  i think giddy is so fun.

sometimes it quite importantly amazes me as to what might pop up when we're not looking for it.  look at you, indeed, all bright and shiny. 

:hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 09, 2017, 12:36:14 PM
Okay, I feel somewhat calmer today. Hi there. . .

Andy, thank you for allowing me someone to relate to. It's really tough, huh? It's alright if your response is long to me. I like it when people respond to me with longer posts.

Blueberry, well, if you don't know what to say then all I need is some acceptance, care and validation of what I'm going through. Or at least one of those hug emojis — real hugs would probably make me die of embarassment, but I can settle for this at least.

San, way to make me feel embarassed. I don't particularly enjoy being reminded that I'm going through puberty as I often forget it. But after thinking it through, I found some peace in your acceptance, wonder and kindness around it.

....

Other people when they fall in love, they might do some poetry or some other creative art. Other people might play sports to get their mind off things.

Me? I went and conducted research and analysis on the scientific, evolutionary, neurological, psychological, philosophical, cultural and practical views on love with an obsession to calm myself down. I have to go reevaluate my sexual and romantic orientation too . . . sure adds to all the confusion.

I told myself not to touch any of that touchy feely gross stuff like cheesy love songs or romcom movies.

. . .

But I did it.

. . .

That's when I knew I was becoming insane.

. . .

It triggered nausea. Dizziness. Butterflies. Obsessive thoughts. Heart racing. Sweating. Something . . . going down there.

My mind was struggling to dissociate from it but I couldn't. It triggered flashbacks and it took some time to even figure out what I was flashing back to. I spent a lot of time grieving today — not enough to cry, but enough to make me incredibly irritable the whole day and a few thoughts of suicide ideation in me. (It's alright. Those suicidal thoughts are gone now though when I allowed some angering at my IC. )When I can't find solace in logical thinking, it hits me hard.

I feel irrational. Absolutely irrational!

Sigh. I've calmed down a lot. . . Not completely though.

I think I'll just . . . rest today, and . . . research more.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 09, 2017, 02:29:49 PM
"Too much study wearies the soul." It certainly wearies mine! When I get overwhelmed, nature refreshes me. Hope you have a nice day, d.r.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 09, 2017, 02:43:35 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 09, 2017, 12:36:14 PM
Other people when they fall in love, they might do some poetry or some other creative art. Other people might play sports to get their mind off things.

Me? I went and conducted research and analysis on the scientific, evolutionary, neurological, psychological, philosophical, cultural and practical views on love with an obsession to calm myself down.

DR, you aren't these other people. You're you! You research and analyse. And although that seemed to lead all sorts of places you might prefer not to go, it's equally possible that being artistic or playing sports would have taken you down those paths too.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 09, 2017, 07:39:09 PM
d.r., i didn't mean to embarrass you.  i'm very sorry.  i thought i was having a little fun, but i guess it backfired.  i never want you to feel badly because of something i say.

it doesn't matter which route you take about love - it's infinite, and there are infinite ways to feel, know, and learn about it.  you do it your way - that's perfectly fine. 

it does sound like you'll have a lot to keep you busy with it.  those are a lot of areas to explore.  i'm just  glad that you have your way of exploring it, one that works well for you.  i think it'll be interesting, if you care to share, to hear about some of the info you come up with.     :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 10, 2017, 11:35:28 AM
Sigh. I'm being irrational. I can't focus. My heart keeps racing. I can't sleep properly anymore. I'm euphoric yet absolutely nervous. Giddy, but emotionally overwhelmed. Everything people say seems to hurt me. All these emotional changes are sending me into EFs.

I'm . . . I'm exhausted.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 10, 2017, 12:37:34 PM
Thank you all. . . Hearing those made me a bit teary. I'm feeling deepy vulnerable right now so I really appreciate the effort even if it's not perfect.

Sigh, let me try this again.

I've figured out why falling in love with him has been giving me EFs. Because it reminds me of the first person I fell in love with. He has a similar personality to her really. . . I don't know.

Back then, I was deeper into the freeze response — never really have trusted anyone to rely on as my parents emotionally abandoned me. I was even more depressed, more terrified of life, too withdrawn, more emotionally naive and . . . just broken.

I went and found a site that had people talk to you about your emotional problems — how could just talking solve any problem logically? That was what I thought, but my heart would always beg me to keep coming in ways I didn't understand.

I met a girl there. She was my age,  kind, intelligent, imaginative, and the first person I managed to trust there. Everyday I'd come to talk with her online at least. Soon . . . I felt something more than than that.

But this was irrational to me. Falling in love? No, I can't. It would mean abandoning the possibility of searching for some logical solution. But I was. I was. I was. Even if I made a move, she was far away from me . . . and she was straight. It was impossible from the start.

When she had to leave to take care of her own problems, I told her goodbye and good luck — well, if she wanted to leave from volunteering here, I understand. It must be burdening here, huh? That was the me that spent years barely feeling any love or empathy. I told her I think too much to the point of intense anxiety and she laughed and said, "Your love of thinking is the best thing about you. Keep learning, alright?"

My heart broke the day she left. I know — I've only known her for a short while. I probably idealized her too much. She's probably forgotten me by now. It's irrational. But I think I never allowed myself to grieve that day enough — the person who first allowed me to believe I could feel warmth for others — why I've managed to come this far.

No wonder I feel like I'm breaking.






Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 10, 2017, 07:10:31 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 10, 2017, 11:35:28 AM
Sigh. I'm being irrational. I can't focus. My heart keeps racing. I can't sleep properly anymore. I'm euphoric yet absolutely nervous. Giddy, but emotionally overwhelmed.
If I think back a couple of decades, this all sounds normal.

Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 10, 2017, 11:35:28 AM
Everything people say seems to hurt me. All these emotional changes are sending me into EFs.

I'm sorry this is going on though.  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: LittleBird on December 10, 2017, 10:09:22 PM
Sorry to hear that you're going through all of this dr. I hope things turn around *safe hug*
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 11, 2017, 01:31:37 AM
we're with you, d.r.  i can only imagine how difficult this is for you.  new territory, old losses all at the same time.  that's a lot.  hand tough - we're hangin' right beside you.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 11, 2017, 11:13:13 AM
Thanks for dropping by you three. Without affirmation that someone will listen to me on a regular basis, my distress becomes a lot more severe — often triggering major EFs of being ignored too much in childhood.

I feel kind of guilty though to ask for your time like this. I know I should be easier on myself — but I feel like I don't deserve even a few words of kindness or time on this really. The feelings have softened, but it's . . .still there. And there's still some hurt over feeling ignored.

.....

A student in my school batch has died — the reasons of which will still be communicated in the future considering that he went missing for a few days. I didn't know him, but seeing so many people I knew and didn't knew grieving and afraid was confusing and their distress was contagious.

I couldn't process my own emotions, and I couldn't process theirs. It was an overload. I became distant, withdrawn and more emotionless in appearance than my usual casual easygoingness and quirky humor.

I tried at least not to seem cold or cruel — just . . . just distant. Wave a little to people I know but quickly withdraw. I gave a stiff freaked out hug to an old friend and quickly withdrew.

Usually when something changes in my life, 80% of the distress is confusion and fear over things not making sense along with 20% being other emotions. So I often detach to analyze it logically, withdraw to think it in depth and become stoic because emotions — internal and external — confuse me even more.

I'm still lovesick to some degree, but calm enough to think it through better or try calming hobbies. The more precise, the more rigid the categories and the more intense the analysis, the more I can bury myself in it to calm down. After all — these things make a lot more sense than emotions — which aren't as . . . black and white.

It's why my posts are so long — I need to process everything in full detail to calm down.

I guess I'll just . . . give myself a lot of solitude to think and organize all these new ideas into place. I have no time for the beautiful now — simply for what's accurate.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 11, 2017, 11:52:43 AM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 11, 2017, 11:13:13 AM
I feel kind of guilty though to ask for your time like this. I know I should be easier on myself — but I feel like I don't deserve even a few words of kindness or time on this really. The feelings have softened, but it's . . .still there. And there's still some hurt over feeling ignored.

DR, of course you deserve a few words of kindness!! You have lots for other people when they're hurting! Recently I felt hurt too because there weren't too many responses to a post of mine. I knew my feeling was irrational (doesn't mean yours is) but it was there as feelings are. And I thought: that's what it's like for DR lots of the time.  :hug: for DR.

I think you / anybody can always ask for time here. You / anybody may not get it - depending on what all else is going on in peoples' lives and healing - but you can certainly ask!

Speaking for myself, often I read, well as Mod I have to anyway, but sometimes words fail me. That was the case before I became Mod. So then it can be pretty difficult to formulate a response, or just very tiring and I need my energy for Mod responses and for writing and thinking in daily life. It doesn't mean I don't care though.

Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 11, 2017, 11:13:13 AM
I'm still lovesick to some degree, but calm enough to think it through better or try calming hobbies.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Yay for progress!

Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 11, 2017, 11:13:13 AM
It's why my posts are so long — I need to process everything in full detail to calm down.
Sounds similar to me. I process while writing it all out. So by the end of my long posts, I realise "That's why...". It feels good to know I'm not alone in this.  ;)


Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 11, 2017, 11:13:13 AM
A student in my school batch has died... I didn't know him, but seeing so many people I knew and didn't knew grieving and afraid was confusing and their distress was contagious.

I couldn't process my own emotions, and I couldn't process theirs. It was an overload. I became distant, withdrawn and more emotionless in appearance than my usual casual easygoingness and quirky humor.

I tried at least not to seem cold or cruel — just . . . just distant. Wave a little to people I know but quickly withdraw. I gave a stiff freaked out hug to an old friend and quickly withdrew.

Usually when something changes in my life, 80% of the distress is confusion and fear over things not making sense along with 20% being other emotions. So I often detach to analyze it logically, withdraw to think it in depth and become stoic because emotions — internal and external — confuse me even more.

I'm sorry, DR. Sorry for the student you didn't know and sorry for you to be dealing with this on top of everything else right now. It sounds to me as if you're dealing quite well though. I did read it was an overload, don't worry. But you seem aware of your own changes in behaviour and why you are making them. And withdrawing and so on - you're doing what you need to do for you. You don't need to be there for the others IMO. You need to be there for you. You are as much as you can.  :hug: :hug:



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 12, 2017, 12:42:33 PM
Thanks Blueberry for responding. You truly do care. I never seem to fully believe people's affirmations that I deserve kindness, but each time people repeat it, I believe it a little bit more. I'm getting calmer with these new feelings of attraction I have. I'm uneasy and a bit overwhelmed, but somehow I manage. I listened to your advice to take care of myself by withdrawing and reflecting even more - especially since I seem especially sensitive and hypervigilant to noise and crowds today and I probably need a break from replying to others on this forum.

....

I decided to fall out of love.

I'm not ready for a commitment, to trust someone deeply, to have mutual give and take, and to have to sacrifice time I usually spend on my own interests.

With CPTSD, I have limited energy, and romance is one of the least prioritized things I have in life. When you can't have everything, you focus on what's important. I care more about my solitude to think the most and what's interesting.

I care more about my friendships or a community than gazing into a specific someone's eyes longingly. I'm not a romantic. Maybe a dreamer — but for the collective knowledge of society than the special connection with someone.

Maybe someday I'll be ready, but not now.

So for now . . . I'll try not to fantasize about these for now. I've read that people falling in love have similar brain scans to people with a cocaine addiction — well, I've had a few addictions (An eating addiction first and then a lying addiction.) and combined with my habits of obsessive research, I guess I can figure this out.

I had a terrible EF after contemplating this - I went back to childhood. Trembling, shaking and helpless. I wanted to retreat into my thoughts, and I've analyzed things so hard and for so long that I've gotten fevers. That I've cried from pressuring myself to realize horrible truths so I can use whatever knowledge to protect myself. That I dealt with nearly every single problem that harmed me emotionally in life without ever relying on anyone else.

I was triggered because the utter helplessness of not being able to think through things consumed me. I was angry at myself for being so naive and ignorant of what I can think or do, of being too irrational to figure things out on my own. Angry at my own caretakers for barely guiding me with the knowledge I needed in life, and . . . and, I don't know. I was terrified, but I've told myself to stay there without thinking too hard or researching, just be in the moment. . . Deep breaths . . .

I calmed down - usually I have a regular write up for what I learned recently to calm those fears - especially life lessons, important skills, books and articles read, and other people I could ask questions to - and it helped.

I noticed I've been more distracted and moody lately. . . mostly because honestly I've been thinking of google pictures I saw of hot ladies in classy dresses and more . . . 18+ thoughts which never seem to get anywhere because I feel like asking permission from the lady of the need to fantasize about her. Puberty is . . . bizarre. Well, probably have to give myself the sex talk soon seeing that my parents don't do a good job of raising me enough to talk about this (Along with many other things . . .).

I'll go research the big pile of awkward later, but now I'll just relax and listen to music. I love thinking, but I think I need a break from that too.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 12, 2017, 03:23:36 PM
hey, d.r., i think it's very much self-care to know when you need a break from something and then just do it.  good for you.

i understand about confusion.  not having access to my emotions left me feeling confused about most things in all kinds of relationships.  it was like people were speaking a language i just didn't know how to translate, or they went by rules that i wasn't aware of.  i felt awkward a lot.

even here.  i've had such an outpouring of caring from people recently, and my newfound ability to feel this good stuff pretty much overwhelmed me.  i didn't respond to people in my journal because i was overcome, so i've just shied away.  it's been a few days now and i still can't bring myself to say anything.  very weird.

so, i also agree with you about just being with it for a bit - that's what i'm doing, too. 

sorry, also, about the uncomfortable situation in which you found yourself.  that can definitely be rough.  glad you made it thru - that's what counts.   and, absolutely, you deserve the time and caring here.   :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 13, 2017, 09:26:32 AM
Hi San, thanks for dropping by. I understand how even kindness from others can be overwhelming somehow. I appreciate how you've been following me in my thoughts ever since the start of this journal. Thank you.  :hug:

I've been pushing myself too hard to act on what I'm afraid of today (Might be flight mode coming back.)— My inner critic has probably been giving me EFs on how my mom didn't respect my need to rest. Especially the disrespect for my need for solitude and reflection — and now I just . . . really need time to think.

.....

Sigh. I'm not smart enough to figure life out, I thought.

I told myself that it's not intelligence that mattered the most.

I told myself . . . When you were a child, you were fine with not knowing.

But as you grew up, you valued intelligence. To impress others. To gain your own self esteem. You yearned to learn because of your own desires, not others.

Intelligence wasn't essential if you couldn't find the actual truth that you wanted for its own sake you thought. But as you sought the objectivity for this truth, you found yourself taking life too seriously. You learned because you had to, not because you wanted to.

Curiosity came to the spotlight. The will to learn for its own sake was all that you needed you thought. To explore the truth, you had to look for ideas aimlessly — because some truths could only be found on accident and a sense of adventure.

Reflection became more important. As you wandered aimlessly, you rarely concentrated enough to look back to deepen insights or follow through with the ideas you found. You learned that knowledge wasn't just like an explorer finding uncharted territory, but like a spiral staircase turning the same ideas around and around allowing these ideas to go deeper and deeper.

You realized that you needed to synthesize what you learned into something more — not just for knowledge, but for the knowledge for life itself. And you sought the wisdom of experience.

But as you gained this experience, you became arrogant that you knew everything. And when you finally understood how little you knew, you became angry and hard on yourself for not being experienced enough constantly.

The wisdom of the beginner became the most essential, to admit that you don't know. Every single thing before this — intelligence, truth, curiosity, reflection, experience. . . all began by saying . . . that you didn't know.

As if you were a kid again . . .

That's enough I told myself. That's already more than enough.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: ah on December 13, 2017, 11:07:07 AM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 13, 2017, 09:26:32 AM
I understand how even kindness from others can be overwhelming somehow. I appreciate how you've been following me in my thoughts ever since the start of this journal. Thank you.  :hug:


I totally relate to that, and you've been on my mind too, I'm going through a rough patch so I sometimes don't say anything but I'm reading your journal and thinking of you.

I feel overwhelmed too, like Sanmagic said. 

For me, kindness is such an unknown, it's so foreign that it can freak me out much harder than cruelty or indifference. Kindness touches me more deeply, it surprises me, and it demands new things from me. All of which can be triggering, frightening.

Asking for help always leaves me feeling unsettled... sigh! Oh boy do I relate. You're not guilty for having a break or for asking for help here, you're wise to do those things. You're self caring, and it's the right thing to do, hard as it may be for us at first.

And just between you and me...  :whistling: being smart can have its disadvantages. I've been reading a book "Get out of your mind & into your life" and it's giving me a lot to think about, especially about my habits and about analyzing and solving things in more and more ways than I thought before. Not sure I've understood it yet, I'm still "digesting" it all for the time being but it's very interesting.

:hug:




Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 13, 2017, 11:52:57 AM
Hmm, I missed you here, Ah. Nice to see you again.  :hug:

Yeah, I need to take it easier on myself. I'm rather worn out now and probably shouldn't have spent time responding to other journals recently. Hearing kindness from you is honestly overwhelming, but somehow I appreciate it more than I'm overwhelmed by it. I'm glad there's another regular reader on board — that's wonderful.

I agree that being smart has its disadvantages. Sometimes I wish my brain can turn off for once. I've read a similar book called, "Why Smart People Hurt" by Eric Maisel. From overthinking to being more intellectually bored, from people valuing you only because of intelligence to  existential crises about the meaning and existence of life, to deep arrogance from how others see you and a wrecking perfectionism from hyperawareness of flaws from constant analysis . It's uhh. . . a love and hate relationship, I guess.

I think of being knowledgable like a stereotypical girl thinks and is insecure of her looks, and it's a little embarrassing to be that way. Telling me I'm smart or any similar intellectual trait creates a similar reaction with stereotypical girls being told they're beautiful.  But I cope.

I'll go do something with less intense thinking for now. . . My mind needs as much as a break as my emotions. Thinking for me is an addiction . . .in both good and bad ways.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 13, 2017, 04:18:59 PM
just sending a  :hug: right now.  i ran out of steam.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: camille13512 on December 13, 2017, 11:54:16 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 13, 2017, 09:26:32 AM
But as you gained this experience, you became arrogant that you knew everything. And when you finally understood how little you knew, you became angry and hard on yourself for not being experienced enough constantly.
Hi Decimal, this happened to me too, first to realize that there is so much I don't know, and second to find what I thought I knew was not true. It hurts to get around that corner. I ended up keeping questioning myself why, how, how come. Once someone asked me if not knowing makes me happier, how I will choose, knowing or not knowing. But maybe it doesn't need to be binary. Sometimes knowing still brings relief, even when the truth doesn't seem pretty. And other times, not knowing offers more space to breathe. Not sure if this is what you are going through too, but I just want to say that you are right that it's ok to be a child, to not know everything. Come into terms like this must be a big step. Hope you won't mind a hug. Take care.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 14, 2017, 11:41:30 AM
Thank you for the other replies, but now I don't know how to respond or journal today.

I sense unpleasant feelings locked in my body, but I can't tell what they are. I feel something but I don't know what that feeling is or how intense it is. I'm trying to catch my thoughts around the issue but I can't get even a hint as to why I'm feeling this way. I might be in an EF that numbs my emotions, but I don't know what I'm flashing back to.

It's taking effort to get out of freeze mode or a dismissive attachment style now — I just have this need to be distant, unemotional and silent . . . I heard freeze mode people have an outer critic that justifies their needs for solitude, so maybe I'm . . . afraid of people here. But why? I was about to type an issue here, but I forgot about the issue for some reason. What's going on?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 14, 2017, 05:51:09 PM
DR, it's OK not to know. When you are ready to know, the issue will come back. IME anyway. I'm a logical, analytical type too. maybe our heads need a break for a while?  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Andyman73 on December 14, 2017, 06:46:23 PM
DR,
:bighug:
First want to let you know that my thoughts go away all the time, especially if I was going to share them here or the other online community I belong to.

As for love in the age of puberty.  That is something  I didn't get to experience. Love.  And lust or infatuation....they came and went, but never saw the light of day. Those things weren't allowed for me.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope66 on December 14, 2017, 07:20:05 PM
Hi DecimalRocket,
I also find that sometimes thoughts just 'disappear' or just won't come to mind, and that can feel quite frustrating - but I think it's possibly just a coping strategy that happens sometimes - or maybe just part of an EF or dissociation.  Could be so many things really.   Maybe it just doesn't want to be 'found' at this current moment - and maybe your subconscious mind wants to process some more, and then later, it will 'pop up' like a eureka moment.  That's sometimes what I tell myself, and sometimes, it does happen. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 16, 2017, 07:25:01 AM
Hey thank you all for making it easier for me to take it easier on myself. Blueberry, I really appreciate when people tell me it's okay not to know. People need to tell me that more often. Andy, thanks for being there again as I am with you. Hope, thank you for telling me it takes time and it'll come back when I'm ready.  :hug:

Bad news is that I found myself with a fever when I woke up today. One, I was contemplating things and I found a lot of insights that could help me in the long term but these insights were also terrifying to realize. I'd love to share them, but not now. Second,  the emotions spilled out and I was grieving with tears for a full 3 straight hours.

Third, it's the second time I ever visited my therapist for trauma and opening up to trust her was stressful. I was skeptical of her methods and I was asking a lot of questions there — and I had an EF telling me I didn't deserve to be listened to.

Fourth, I had another therapist who teaches some certain physical exercises for my emotions — The Masgutova method. Apparently some physical reflexes I have — like the startle response or fear paralysis response were delayed from birth somehow — that made my emotions more sensitive.

Apparently Asperger's syndrome has physical reflex delays as well as social skills delays — which is probably why I've been avoiding and is terrible at all sports all my life. . . add trauma to this and it's even worse. Well, being an aspie also tends to come with increased focus, logical and pattern finding skills, independent thinking and organization . . . but the cons are . . . also  unpleasant.

Thing is when the exercises got too much for me, I didn't tell her that I was really tired because I believed she would not believe me, and so I kept going until I was in tears and she was wondering what she did wrong. I managed to explain myself rather than keep quiet like I always do though. So, progress?

I've been sleeping for much of the whole day and I probably will need more rest, to push myself harder would be irrational, so no. I'm tired, but deeply relaxed, so those insights must have really helped, at the least.

Well, see you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 17, 2017, 12:08:34 AM
Sigh, what I'm going to say is going to be irrational and repetitve, but so be it. Logically, I know what the answers are. Emotionally, I . . . I can't.

Am I being heard? Am I being seen? Will I be abandoned? Do I deserve to be listened to? Am I being a burden? Have I done something wrong? Are my problems important enough or terrible enough to need to be cared for?

Am I being stupid and naive here? Am I being arrogant somewhere? — I hate not being aware of things. Is it okay not to know? Is it okay to need so much attention? Is it alright to feel like everyone will abandon or betray me at the slightest sign of lack of response to me?

You don't have to answer everything. Just . . . at least something.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 17, 2017, 12:13:08 AM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 16, 2017, 07:25:01 AM
I managed to explain myself rather than keep quiet like I always do though. So, progress?

Progress!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

There's your other question answered too - Yes, you're being heard, at least by me.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: M.R. on December 17, 2017, 12:49:13 AM
Decimal,

My heart hurts for you. You have contributed to all of the people here and I know we all listen, we won't always respond but we're here quietly cheering you on. I know from my own journal that it makes me feel so much better when I see you've responded or anyone else. I have some of the same doubts as you, but I get reassured through the people here, just like you do. Believe us and our faith in you.

MR
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 17, 2017, 09:10:43 AM
Thanks Blue and Melodie. It didn't make all the pain disappear, but it healed it at least a bit.  :hug:

I've been thinking. I didn't just emphasize the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom because of my genuine curiosity or dedication to learning, or even my own trauma around trying to get as much knowledge as possible to survive on my own.

No, not just that.

I learned also because the little attention I earned had to do with knowing things many other people don't do. And my inner child has been hurting really — because they didn't know as many things as I do now. I was, a lot more blunt and cold, a lot more naive — especially emotionally naive, a lot more terrible at solving and analyzing things and arrogant.

All they really wanted was to be accepted despite all that.

I guess there's still a kid in me — that's imperfect yet yearns to have somewhere to belong, to be accepted and to be loved. Maybe that's why I feel so worthless now.

How long have I been solving things alone all these years? I was alone with years of CBT and  years of meditation on my own. NLP. Gratitude journals. Awe walks. Positive psychology. Western and Eastern philosophies on happiness.

Years of scrolling through self help websites and reading books on it. From developing my own problem solving skills, my own focus, studied the science and process of learning and found ways to organize my life to become better. I learned things from every single part of the library — from the sciences, to the arts, from sci fi fiction to fantasy fiction, from the abstract philosophies to the more practical everyday skills and so on.

I've been alone when I was bullied as a kid. I was alone when I had friends as I grew older — because even as I talked to them, my emotions were numbed enough that I couldn't feel connected to them.

I loved to learn things, but really, I wanted someone there cheering me on as I learned and to learn with me. Someone to notice the stupid amount of effort, and notice how overwhelmed I really was in doing all of this alone. But I never thought I deserved to be heard and listened to to even try to share it— my voice has already been silenced early on from all the neglect and anger pushed onto me.

Sigh, someone tell me. Someone please tell me that . . . it's alright to not know.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 17, 2017, 10:47:01 AM
It's really alright to not know! Really, truly.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 17, 2017, 02:27:52 PM
Yup, it's alright not to know.

:bighug: :bighug: for feeling so alone all these years.

You are looking at and writing about your shadows, what you see as shortcomings. I think this takes real courage on a forum.  :applause: :applause: Really. That helps me to look at and write about mine too.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 17, 2017, 06:30:22 PM
it's absolutely all right to not know. 

so much of your story i could write pertaining to myself.  i feel very connected to you even when i'm in low energy mode.  do i exist when no one notices, as you said, that i've gone too far, done too much, stretched myself too thin? 

you're not alone.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: camille13512 on December 17, 2017, 07:08:38 PM
It's definitely alright to not know. I feel very much related to what you wrote down, about how you feel alone when you are trying to learn and no one will actually find out how much effort is put into the process. But you know how much you have tried. We witness how much you are trying. And all of it counts. Really.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 18, 2017, 10:18:38 AM
@3Roses, thanks.  :hug:
@Blueberry, I'm glad I'm giving you courage.
@San, I missed you. I'm worried you're streching yourself taking time to come here though. But thank you.
@Camille, I'm glad to have a witness here. I guess people only truly exist when others believe they exist.

I feel oddly. . . nothing. I'm tired. As if there are some feelings I'm not aware of being suppressed in me.

Recently, I learned to have a relaxing visualization when I'm feeling deeply emotional from the stress or deeply numb. Not of nature, or anything like on the Healing Porch though.

But of the city I grew up in. Grand buildings like modern mountains. The gentle tumble of being in a vehicle moving along like a cradle on wheels. Grafitti on the walls with its casual charms — even the familiar swears I pass through regularly. People bustling by — so small compared to the buildings but each living their own complex lives.

The sky expanding ambitiously into the horizon. Bits of trash here and there reminiscent of a lazy population. Attention seeking advertisements on buildboards everywhere that almost everyday, I'd look out at in subtle amusement. People yelling at other's rude driving habits. Bwahahaha. My time to think, to reflect, to read and think of corny inside jokes — as I move through the world and the world moves through me.

In the moving vehicle, I can read about how perpetual motion machines can't exist in physics,  programming with C+ in lovely precision, go watchfully flipping through fiction remarking the societal issues of Chinese culture,  listen to a cheesy romantic musical and whatever my bouncy attention span leads me to . . . After worrying about my own future, about how others think about me, about my own insecurities over and over again. . .

I listen to the beating heart of the city. . . and I find a little bit of calm admist the chaos.

I'm home. I'm home.

I'm home.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope66 on December 19, 2017, 09:45:08 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I really like your writing here - I wanted to quote a bit - but couldn't work out how to just get the bit I wanted to highlight - but anyway, you write very well - conjuring the picture of the place you grew up in, and I just wanted to comment on that.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 19, 2017, 12:42:15 PM
Thanks Hope. :) I was beginning to think no one responded because I was being too weird somehow.

I've been fighting deeply persistent inner and outer critics today, so even if I'm off from classes for the Christmas break, I'm feeling worn out.

I don't know why, but I miss it sometimes when my critics and EFs used to be stronger. When I was young, I remember consuming my thoughts with rage at people, grow myself a sense of terror or shame at myself as these were better than feeling numbed. I have enough willpower to stop this type of process now, but I still crave for it obsessively at times.

My curiosity was zipping around for much of the day, but my grieving for the times I was bullied as a kid and my guilt at bullying back those bullies must have broke my spirit now. But to be able to miss the worse, means that it has passed, for now at least.

I was wrong about one thing though — there's a little bit of wonder left — how interesting is it after all to yearn for something so damaging? I know the science of this — "The Body Keeps The Score" had brain scans remarking how brain scans of people with trauma could get addicted to their pain.

But I want to observe it with my own mind, my own way and in my own perspective.

Well, my life can be terrible, but it sure is interesting.



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Andyman73 on December 19, 2017, 06:19:18 PM
I hear you!!!!! I hear you, see you, believe you, stuff!!!
You not alone
you not invisible
not unwanted
wont be abandoned
Not stupid
So very very smart
Gladly be here and cheer you on, and maybe learn a little bit too...
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Andy :phoot:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 19, 2017, 06:24:35 PM
 :hug: DR
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 20, 2017, 08:57:27 AM
Haha, Andy. That's the most enthusiastic form of support I've received here. I'm honestly somewhat embarrassed, but I appreciate it more than I'm overwhelmed by it.

Thanks 3Roses for the hugs.  :hug:

Sorry for the length . . .

I'm feeling overwhelmed by my own growing empathy made from practicing it by supporting others in this site, considering the feeling has been numbed in me after a long time of trauma.

Somehow through my reflection and work with my occupational therapist (for my social delay), I've come to understand that I don't just withdraw too much from trauma, but also because my lack of social skills in some areas makes me afraid of approaching people. I make up with my listening skills, a calm easygoing pesona and humor, but I still . . . lack in some areas.

I've made a mental list of the simple things — like how you're supposed to wave back at people when they wave at you, to not ask the same question over and over again, about how you're not supposed to reject a conversation by ignoring them or how if when someone sends you a message and you don't reply back means that they don't know if you read it.

Yes, I could use more common sense. I know.

I had a similar process the first few weeks I came to this site . . . It took . . . some time categorizing support in different processes — appreciation, validation, changing their beliefs, etc. and observing and researching how they're used. After many mental overloads, I got it somehow. I'm working on understanding people's specific personalities and tendencies now rather than as a group, and it's complicated.

Then there were the bigger things that were caused by the mix of trauma and my own inability to read people. For example — just because you're incredibly suspicious of everyone doesn't mean they're also deeply suspicious of you or just because you were secretly envious in the past doesn't mean you shouldn't share any form of happiness or achievement in fear of causing people envy.

Because rule 1 of empathy : If another person's intentions seem exactly the same as present or past you, then you're doing it wrong.

It was fascinating, but now my brain hurts from trying to practice by understanding people here on this forum and in real life . . I think I'll take a break by studying something that doesn't involve people, probably something sciency.








Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Andyman73 on December 20, 2017, 10:26:25 AM
DR,
Okay, tone it down for you.  :bighug:

I sure do understand what you're talking about. While some of the things I've always been okay with, like waving back in response  :heythere: , other things not so much. I'm not good at starting conversations with strangers or people I barely know. And social settings with groups I barely know or not at all...fuhgettaboudit!!! Normally can't talk at all.  You're not alone in this, my friend.

Andy   :phoot:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: ah on December 20, 2017, 11:58:29 AM
Hi Rocket  :fireworks:

I'd like to add, if I may, a rule 2 of empathy to your (hopefully slowly growing) list of rules:
Other people are just as confused as I am.

The implications of this rule are all-encompassing. It means quite often when I'm unable to read things here on the forums it takes me time to answer, not because you're doing anything wrong but just because my pesky brain is leaking out of my ears and I'm struggling with my own pain and asking questions as you're asking your own  :yes: in my heart you're there because... well, because I like you, because you're a beautiful person and you've helped me so much here on the forums, and because I relate to you, and because your curiosity is so similar to mine so I feel close to you thanks to it. And because I know that feeling you describe, I get it every time I open a new book, that feeling that a universe just opened. It's the only thing I'm still happy about: understanding, knowing.

I do think though it can slow you down, too. I can't remember if I recommended it to you but I may have, there's an interesting book about how we humans think, that I've been reading called "Get out of your mind and into your life". The name is a bit cheesy but the book is anything but. It's thought provoking, describing a therapy called ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy.

Gets me scratching my head quite a lot, I catch myself reading a paragraph of it, then stopping to think.

As for rule 1 of empathy: I think... you can't do it wrong. You experiment, try, learn as you go along.

:hug:

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 20, 2017, 03:34:19 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on December 20, 2017, 08:30:24 PM
DR, I read your posts quit often, as Mod I have to, but I can't always answer. If I answered everybody's posts all the time, I'd never finish modding for the day. Even emoticon is too much sometimes. It's not personal, but I have to keep an eye on my own recovery too!  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 20, 2017, 10:31:05 PM
standing right beside you, d.r. 

you're not weird, you're individual, as are we all. 

give yourself some time with the process, some patience.  it's ok, all of it, all of you.   :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 21, 2017, 12:11:22 PM
Thank you for all the support and time you've given me.. :) It's as if you guys were the family I never had.  :hug:  I'm sorry for all the trouble with how much I need to be validated, even if it's the same thing said over and over. Do give time to yourselves as well.

.....

Ah, when you've called me a beautiful person, it left me in tears. Happy and grieving tears. My confidence around my emotional side is a lot more fragile than with my logical side, so it really touched me.

It got me thinking though — how curiosity compares to the idea of beauty. If curiosity allows an acceptance of whatever you happen to find out in your life, whether good or bad, because it's interested in all kinds of knowledge, then finding beauty in emotions allows an acceptance of the human range of feeling.  Maybe beauty is the emotional counterpart of interesting.

And when I look back at when I manage to accept myself, I find this concept.

Now, now, when do I find beauty in something? Often not as someone in solitude listening to his breathing in nature or scribbling down poems alone — I always found beauty when someone else was involved. Logic and analysis were deeply solitary to me, but beauty was something interpersonal.

So I looked for stories. Stories I related to. Stories who were bullied and were bullies back then. Stories of people who cringed and were ashamed at their regrets— especially social ones. Stories of people who were emotionally neglected. Stories upon stories upon stories.

Even those feel good stories and news — I've lived life trying to survive by confronting the ugly truths of the world, but to heal I had to be less rational for a bit and more of a dreamer. It's okay to rest in something that might not reveal insight logically now, but it could be something that could give you hope to keep going emotionally.

They say you understand your own feelings by looking inside, but I only understood them the most when I saw them in other people. I kept grieving in tears for a long time to the point of exhuastion, dizziness and headaches. then it happened.

I laughed. I thought it was funny how much I cared what other people thought.

Haha.

Hahaha.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I'm not alone anymore.

I'm not alone!







Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 21, 2017, 12:19:34 PM
 You are not alone!  :applause:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: woodsgnome on December 21, 2017, 04:06:34 PM
Oooh, wow--love your take on stories (in this journal and other posts of yours) and how you can take others as reference points for your own life's story pattern. It's what stories, whether fictional or real-life, are for--we might not personally feel a part of those 'other' stories, but in a universal sense we're joined as humans in ways we can't understand, but remain curious about (although even that can be threatened by the abuse/trauma many here know too well).

While I have difficulty with the people in my own life/story, if I can see past the pain obscuring the view, maybe in the form of stories, it can lessen the feeling of being so alone, too. It's tough, sometimes, which is why I need to qualify it as a maybe. If I can get out of my own way, I can find it in the other stories, and yes, even laugh my way to having understanding/compassion for myself in the process.

Odd--how our own story can get in the way of itself; then we find these others, and find...we're not alone. Hope you're alright with my butting into your journal with this--but it touched on something that I often easily forget--so thanks for sharing this realization.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 21, 2017, 04:20:46 PM
hey, d.r., very nice.  i think that's why beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  one who looks with their heart can see beauty everywhere.  there's no logic to that.

the progress you're making is incredible.  you are a wonder to behold.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Andyman73 on December 21, 2017, 05:37:06 PM
DR,
I'm so happy to hear that you're now accepting that You Are Not Alone, not anymore.  :bighug:

Andy  :phoot:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on December 21, 2017, 11:13:09 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 22, 2017, 09:46:35 AM
Hi there. Thanks for all the support — A lot more responses than I usually get.  :grouphug:

Unfortunately I'm not feeling well today. Grieving for hours yesterday exhausted me even when I was able to laugh at my problems, and it left me sick the next day.

My head has been pounding. My muscles have been aching. Standing or sitting up has become harder. My body has heated up. My life seems unreal to me, as if I'm watching it from afar. And while I still feel some emotions, my body is tensed in a way that tells me some emotional pain is still suppressed and numbed inside it — or maybe, it's just . . . that I feel terrible.

I found a channel on Youtube called "I Hate Everything" which is basically a channel that spends time criticizing different elements of pop culture. Another emotion that was numbed other than love was amusement and I seem to be getting it back. Research shows laughter is more present when other people are there with you — and I wonder if increased empathy also allows me to feel this way more.

I've been laughing hysterically at the sheer level of disappointment he has and it was one of the reasons why I was genuinely laughing so hard at how crazy my life is.

I also. . . I also simultaneously feel deeply disappointed in myself too. I've done some insensitive things to other people without realizing it from the lack of social awareness before, and I sometimes don't think I really have it that bad.

It's nice to have an immune system though. Little cells that can act like inner soldier ants  or even those cells that act like kamikaze pilots against the enemy holders of disease. Inside. I have an entire army inside me fighting a battle designed by the wonderful complexity of the human body. That's awesome. Well, that cheers me up . . . just a little though.




Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope66 on December 22, 2017, 10:40:28 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Sorry to hear you're not feeling very well, and hope you feel better soon - take care, and look after yourself. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 22, 2017, 08:04:28 PM
i've been insensitive toward and careless with other peoples' feelings in the past, mainly cuz i had no frame of reference for what was going on with them.  we haven't been perfect even when we've been expected to be - i, personally, have decided to allow those imperfections and not get down on myself anymore (at least, as much as possible).

one thing that's helped me has been talking to my d about all the mistakes i've made (and still sometimes do) as a mom.  the more she's learned about my background, the more she's understood about me, and the more she's been able to accept my actions as products of my upbringing (i've also apologized profusely, cuz i've felt really bad about so much). 

her acceptance, in turn, has helped me accept those flaws in myself.   i'm very grateful to her for that.

so, may i extend a hand of acceptance to you, d.r. as a way of letting you know i still think you're a valuable and valid person here and in real life.   you're not alone in this.   

i hope you feel better soon.  you've been going thru some very strong emotional stuff lately, so much of it new to you, that i'm not surprised your body is reacting badly to all the upheaval.  time and patience, my dear.  this, too, shall pass.  just keep taking care of you - you deserve that.     :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 23, 2017, 12:12:20 PM
Hey hope, thank you.  :hug: I feel a lot better today. A lot more energized.

Thank you San for accepting me. Even with all of the self compassion exercises I've done alone, it never works as best as hearing someone else accept me.

I've heard something called earned secure attachment — where you can have a secure relationship with someone else later in life even with the bad circumstance with early parents or caretakers. And I think you were that for me. . . I feel more ready to open up to people in real life. . . though just a little.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 23, 2017, 12:21:06 PM
I was right — To be emotional in the right way allows me to be logical.

I thought for the logic of thinking for yourself you had to rely on no one. But it's only by relying on people could I think the most independently. If I believe there'll be people — even a small group of people — who would allow me to belong no matter what I think. . . . then I'm free to crash down as my own waterfall.

You know what? I made mistakes. But I rather go with the wrong choice and see it for myself that it's wrong than simply follow other ideas. I rather ask questions — stupid or even potentially offensive questions — just so I could see the reason why myself. Even if my choice was naive, it was my choice and only my own. My own logic.

I don't care about having enough knowledge when that means I won't act on what I think is true. I don't care about praise or recognition anymore when that means I'll be ignoring the needs of others. I don't care about keeping the peace anymore when people can go on mistreating me.

I'm tired of people in wealth, talent, determination, and power just using what they have for their own greedy selfish *. I was born with wealth, I cultivated my talents with an obsessive determination and so I'm much more likely to gain power when I grow up. I want to be different.

I know not every life gets a happy ending — even with all the effort they put. I know this is nearly impossible and I could reexperience the pain I've went through. I know I could just be stupidly naive to consider it when tomorrow I could fall back into major flashbacks and my own critics again.

But I'm going to do this right when others didn't and I. . . I don't ever want to forget . . .WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE WEAK, HELPLESS AND ALONE AND WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE PEOPLE BE THERE FOR ME!

No matter . . . no matter how much stronger I become.

I gotta say . . . Hahaha. I don't think I ever felt this alive in my entire life.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 23, 2017, 03:19:11 PM
 :cheer:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 23, 2017, 07:51:29 PM
d.r., you brave, beautiful thing.  i could say a lot more, but i don't want to embarrass you.  instead, may i just say that even 'a little bit' is major progress, and you're doing it.  well done.

the idea of making our own mistakes, asking our own questions is dear to my heart.   :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 24, 2017, 09:32:00 AM
Three Roses, thanks for the cheer.  :hug:

San, just thank you for validating me and being there again. Yes, I can get easily embarrassed by compliments, especially really generous ones — so I'm grafeful you've toned it down for me.

....

I grabbed the end of a baseball bat, and smashed it down senseless against my bed over and over. If my mattress was a vicious cruel monster tied down in chains, then it would be screaming. Then with its exhaustion, silently whimpering like a little puppy.

My inner child was having a tantrum at the sick influence they've gotten. My parents? No, already angered at them enough it seems. My teachers? No. My bullies? No.

The rude tough streets of the internet?

Yes.

You see when you are an emotionally neglected child without parents, teachers or enough friends to turn to in the internet age, you have a limited number of places to turn to for guidance. Imagine being that kid — lurking around the shadows of video game let's plays, science videos, Yahoo Answers, Club Penguin or other sites. You see perfectly nice people who want to inform you of things, but there are "others".

The type of people who emotionally harass a little boy complaining in a video about being bullied to "man up or stop whining" or people who call others "stupid or ghey" for having a different opinion on a show.

Thank you internet! What responsible mature viewers — way to make a kid trust the world and maintain their wonder and innocence, right?

Sigh.

But I managed to learn my first values of life in there — from the historical and modern lovers of science. It can be strange to hear that a subject often taught of as emotionless or cold often teachers a certain childlike wonder to the world in asking why, or a compassion shown in informing people of another perspective of truth, and respecting that.

Question everything they said — and I've been following that ideal my entire life.

Haha. Those were my first heroes . .

But why am I just numb now?
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 24, 2017, 05:23:48 PM
i absolutely cannot imagine that whole internet scenario, as i grew up with libraries and books rather than in an electronic age.  still, i got a lot of the same messages from real people.  i got emotionally neglected by real people.  i got misunderstood by real people.

those were who were in my life, so those were my teachers.  i cannot understand the fascination with all these electronic gadgets nowadays.  simply don't comprehend it.   i've never embraced it, tho, beginning with microwave ovens.  computers were a means to write papers and do research when i went back to college (besides, at that time, in the 90's, we had to pass a computer literacy section, so i was forced into it), altho i still preferred the library, lingering among the stacks, paging thru reference books.

i feel for the young people nowadays, i really do.  i think the bullying has gotten worse because it comes not only from real people but cyber bullies.  human contact keeps getting more limited as texting becomes more prolific.  a friend (my age) asked me if i texted, and i told her no, cuz i don't have a phone, but if she sent me her phone no. i'd love to talk.  she never sent it.  this happened between us twice.

so, this whole thing confuses me as to the scope of how it's being embraced.  i'm more than grateful i found this forum, because even tho it's online, the people here seem more real to me at times than people i know in person.  so, i do give a nod of approval to some of this technology that has made this possible.  the rest of it i shun as much as possible. 

i don't know about your numbness, don't have that experience.  i do hope it leaves you soon, so that you feel more 'normal' again.  best to you.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: camille13512 on December 24, 2017, 08:08:07 PM
Decimal, internet bullying is among my worst nightmares. The hatred can be so toxic and it comes from nowhere; it's not a communication, and there's nothing attached to the words, so we can only interpret those words with an imaginary face, expression and emotions, which often go down to the worst case scenarios. I'm sorry that the place you look for help also becomes the place that breeds the pains.

I'm not sure how numbness feels to you, but I often get numb when I get too exhausted; I just shut down. I hope you can take the time to recover from the intense emotions.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 25, 2017, 11:31:08 AM
To anyone reading this, Merry Christmas and happy holidays. :).

Thank you San, Camille, and anyone else quietly cheering me on the sidelines. Thanks for sharing your listening, experiences and validations. I thought the cyberbullying issues was just petty to me.

I've been feeling better today. More confidence. Less of an inner critic. New books to read. Went out with others for food. I feel a little too exhausted now though — so if anyone's willing and rested enough for it, I just want some want extra attention today . I've had enough of posting to other people's posts these recent days.

Sigh. I wanted to shorten the next post I have here in some way to lessen the burden of time and energy in others, but as usual, my thoughts are too ridiculously in depth to explain something shortly. I guess I can never fully turn off my super analytic brain.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 25, 2017, 11:34:24 AM
I've figured out another group to do angering on.

You see : It's the selfish immature people of the human race.

Let me explain.

In a study called Systems thinking I mentioned before, one of the foundational teachings is that many issues in life and society isn't just caused by one thing. People can point to leaders like the president for the sole reason in society, or point to only themselves or their abusers in trauma, but it's more complicated than that.

Every single event in life is caused by a complex amount of causes. It could be the educational system, the government, agricultural workers, entertainment media, business owners, activists, medical professions, friends, strangers, and practically everyone — ranging from the start of the human race to now.

So what do I get when I manage to get pissed at the logical and immoral mistakes of the baddies of the human race? It would allow me to soften the weight of blaming myself all the time, as well as possibly doing something about what's terrible in humanity in a way that can disagree.

One of my main skills is finding ideas and opinions that often disagree with the major population. One of my main weaknesses is having no courage whatsoever to share them— even in polite free debate environments. Mostly because the ability to have your own disagreements on things show that you have some amount of healthy to unhealthy anger to be able to blame other's beliefs, feelings or actions instead of yours all the time.

I'm hoping to change that — first because without this, I can't have enough feedback on my ideas for my own curiosity and second, information is better spread. I'm also. . . intellectually lonely, and holy *, I'm starving for conversations at or above my knowledge level.

Thing is, I've suppressed anger —because of certain . . .  childhood events.

And I . . . I can't feel it enough.




Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 25, 2017, 06:00:07 PM
All I can say is, I hear you DR.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on December 25, 2017, 08:13:53 PM
I can relate to supressing anger.
I have done it for so long, I can't even remember when it started. Earlier this fall I managed to get contact with some of that anger, but instead of dealing with it... I supressed it again.
Anger is a fickle thing if you ask me.

I hope you'll allow yourself your emotions. They are there for a reason, even if the reason isn't always so obvious or easy to pinpoint on 1-2 sources due to it's complexity.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 26, 2017, 01:01:24 PM
Thanks 3Roses for being there to listen.  :hug:

Yes, Sceal. Anger can be tough. The thing about anger is that you have to realize your own needs and opinions, which may have been taken away. But I'll try. I hope you can get better with your expression of anger too.  :hug:

.....

What if I learned about anger from the darkest side of the internet?

You see, when I look back in my life at the largest spikes of progress, it usually has something to do with finding a new culture in touring around. No, not touring around different countries — I mean touring around different communities online and observing them. "Online Tourism" if I put it in name.

I've seen the logic of science enthusiasts in contrast to the emotional depth of artists. I've seen the ambition and drive of budding entrepeneurs to the simple joys of everyday bloggers. I've seen excited futurists wanting to know the latest advancements to the more formal types who look back into history and the ancient teachings.

Often the truth lied somewhere in between opposites.

OOTS is a kind, accepting and humble place for sharing your pain. So what's a place that's a complete opposite?

Well, that's . . . that's 4chan. The /b/ and /pol/ threads in particular.

Wait, are you sure? That's about the most triggering place to go to on the internet.

Well. . . you don't know until you try..


I passed by the forums — taking up the usual menu of nude pics, racist jokes, sexist insults, political stupidity, constant sweat words, shock pictures, disability hatred, nazi sympathizers, and the most blatantly offensive ideas on the internet. The internet tourist guide will tell you to look at your right to see the birthplace of memes and hacktivism.

And I joined in  for the lulz.

It would be wrong to act like I did there in other parts of the internet and in real life . . . But here it was . . . "Socially appropiate" and "encouraged". Besides, people here are not easily offended.

This place is the most insulting and vile place in the internet, but in a way, it was accepting of something many people try to supress in themselves. Their dark sides. In Robert A. Johnson's book "Owning Your Shadow", he traces religious history to find that they find the greatest goodness not by removing their dark side, but by acknowledging it and finding a healthy outlet for it.

And this was what 4chan was for me. A modern outlet for a ridiculous amount of anger, along with the many others in the forum. A role model of "How to not give a * about what others thought" to balance out being too passive or self conscious.

It was triggering, but in energizing anger, I grew to love that place.

It was true equality. Everyone hates each other equally.

With much anger let go, I left with a lightness in my heart and a greater love for friends and humanity.
















Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 26, 2017, 07:10:14 PM
i'm glad you were able to find something positive for yourself there.  that's what counts.

acknowledging our dark side is freeing.  i think of 'star wars' and 'neverending story', 2 movies who embraced that very theme as part of their stories.   now, however, i tend to stay away from movies, conversations, etc., that dwell on hatred, disrespect, non-acceptance, excesses for their own sake, et.al. because it saddens me too much to be constantly reminded of the cruelty and inhumanity perpetrated on some by others.

i remember visiting the vietnam memorial in wash., d.c., and being struck still with tears for all that unnecessary loss of some of our best and brightest.  i was able to find the name of my friend on that wall and run my finger over it in loving memory.  i will never visit it again.

i'm glad you were able to leave anger behind there on your 'journeys' to the dark side.   i also believe too many of the systems in place are irrevocably flawed, not just in not protecting, but in actively harming people.  that is what i hate.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 27, 2017, 01:34:15 PM
San, I'm sorry to hear what happened to your friend. Thank you for the validation though. I was nervous people here would think my idea was crazy and abandon me. But you were there. Thank you. :hug: Yes, acknowledging our dark sides can be very freeing. Maybe we can only understand the darkness in other people when we understand it in ourselves. Maybe it's only evil that can defeat evil.

......

I'm changing for the better.

And I'm scared of it.

It probably has to do with being an Aspie, but I don't enjoy change. I enjoy a change of new perspectives and intellectual hobbies , but emotionally and practically. . . it leaves me anxious. I like to eat the same dinner every night. I like it when people I meet come at the exact scheduled time - not too early or too late. I like sitting at the exact spot on the couch in the same position. And I can get stressed without things like these.

But emotional changes are harder. Because to me, something inside me is harder to stop resisting the change in. Because I fear the problems of stagnancy more than I do change. Other than the part of me that meshes with my cautious routinely side -- an intellectual thrill seeker that thrives on the fascination over new profound and/or complex ideas.

As I share more of my ideas in real life and online, I wonder. . . Do I deserve to be listened to?

As I gain progress in my struggle to understand people, people become . . . more real. I thought I understood "How human beings are complex" before, but I've never comprehended so deeply that every human being I've met or never met has their individual dreams, insecurities, passions and pain. I'm overwhelmed by all the possible mistakes I'm aware and not aware of with so many people I've met in the past, and could in the future.

Because after all, words are power. And do I deserve that power? What if something I later found was wrong and someone spreads or uses that misconception? What if I unintentionally hurt someone? What if I hadn't thought my ideas through enough? What if as my words slowly gain more and more respect, that it influences people in the wrong direction - even without knowing it? What if I explain things that people misunderstand in some way and could hurt them?

I'm familiar with being afraid of not knowing enough to cope with my own problems. It's newer to fear not contributing knowledge right with other people.

As my fears extend for other people, my focus on my interests have become more razor focused, made to master than just for my own curiosity. More made to use to teach, to inspire my own ideas or use for others someday, rather than just casually visiting one interest from another. I take more chances to ideas I'm not sure would work and attempt to implement them. And the possibilities of the world never seemed so endless.

I'm panicked.  I'm consumed with worry of what my words can do. My heart keeps pounding. My body is tensing up. I want to scream in total frustration out into the open.

And I've never been so thrilled in my entire life.





Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 27, 2017, 02:21:06 PM
sounds like you're on your own thrill ride, d.r.  learning about something, then all the questioning of the same thing.  quite a lot of ups and downs there.

i think we all will hurt others unintentionally at times, mainly because, as you say, the many complexities of people are not available to us all the time, and we will step over boundaries occasionally without meaning to do so.  i also believe that's part and parcel of getting to know each other.

when we say or do something that bothers someone else (and i'm talking about adults here), and we had no intent to hurt them, it's on them to let us know that it did bother/hurt them.  then, we can acknowledge what we did, apologize for it, respect the interaction, and do our best not to cross that line with them again.

this is in adult relationships with equal power that i'm referring to.  even tho i was an adult, my first t was, as i see her now, a narc among other things, and she took advantage of my ignorance and lack of sense of self to manipulate me in so very many ways that i ultimately ended an 8 yr. relationship with her (as client, best friend, confidante, and employee all at the same time) after which i needed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, neither of which i'd been on before i'd met her.

so, when talking about 'making' someone do something cuz of your words, no, that can't be done.  in equally-powered relationships, we can listen to and hear what the other person says, and make our own decisions about it.  you're not threatening, coercing, compelling, or manipulating anyone simply by speaking your opinions, thoughts, and feelings about anything.

as far as routines, at this stage of my life, i'm more comfortable with my routines.  when i was younger, i was definitely a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of gal - off here and there on a whim, lots of people around, going here and there on a moment's notice.  after i began getting sick, i preferred quite the opposite.  i'm becoming a bit more flexible now, but still like to be in my own place at my own pace as much as possible.

do you deserve to be listened to?  just as much as the next person.  that doesn't mean everyone will understand what you're saying, what you're meaning, or what they can contribute to your conversation.  but, yeah, you deserve to be listened to.   we all do.  there are topics i don't talk much about to most anyone, not because i don't deserve to be listened to, but because some of them might be frightening to others, and i don't want to do that, don't want to possibly make people fearful.

you're on an adventure of self-discovery, d.r.  there will be exhilarating parts to it, and frightening parts to it.  i think you're doing really well.     :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 27, 2017, 10:02:41 PM
Heh heh. San, self discovery? More like others discovery. I know a lot about what I want and need. It's that this time I'm thinking of what others want and need . . .   in a strange mix of strict rationality and compassion. But I'm glad to hear I'm doing well from you — I didn't think I was.

By this time, you probably know how much confusion makes me scared. So I deeply appreciate you walking me through this and explaining ideas for me. It was deeply calming and reassuring, especially with how much I resist the irrationality and out of control feelings of these emotions.

Though, to critique on my skills around relationships, love and emotions is kinda . . . hitting my sensitive spot a little there. Okay, maybe, more than a little. . . But I know I needed to hear that anyway or else my distress would be even worse.

I probably need to go research and analyze something familiar and complex to calm down. Haha. . . Well, I'll go do that now..
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 28, 2017, 12:01:05 AM
o, d.r., again i apologize that i didn't make myself more clear.  i wasn't critiquing you or how you have relationships.  i was simply throwing out generic info that i've learned along the way about intent, boundaries, responses, etc.. which is why i included a personal anecdote.   that wasn't directed at you personally.  i have no idea how you are with relationships, so there's no way i can critique that.  it's not my business, anyway, unless you were to ask about it.

can self-discovery, from a very logical perspective, include how we see and interact with others?  looking at what others want and need seems, to me, (and this is only my opinion) to be another facet of self - self turned outward.  something along the lines that my 'self' has more to it than just how it serves me for myself, but also how it serves me in community.  i see it as more discovery.  maybe i'm all wrong here, but that's how i see it.  you don't have to agree, that's for sure. 

i do think you're doing well.  i enjoy your points to ponder.  it's interesting to me how many twists and turns your logic can take, and i've always liked logical discussions, too.   :hug:

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 28, 2017, 01:50:34 PM
​Thanks San, as always.  :hug:

There seems to be a link between being an Aspie and trauma in my life. Being misunderstood. The lack of social awareness. The bullying over me. The oversensitive senses. Black and white literal thinking. Repetitive movements. Yes. . .

I feel oddly embarrassed that my therapist diagnosed me with both Asperger's syndrome and PTSD at the same time (No CPTSD diagnosis in the area.). It feels like that anyone knowing those two labels would form an image of what I'm supposed to be like too soon. I'd like to keep it a secret to most -- I'm not the image of those preconceptions - not below or above other people. I'm just . . . me.

Sigh. Let me remember. . .  for just a little bit.

Trigger Warning***
In majority of my time as a child, I was the class bookworm hunched over pages in solitude, but from a bit here and there, I served as the class clown. Even winning many peoples' attention. I genuinely enjoyed it, but I felt a confusing strange resistance to it at times, as if other people were treating me like a silly puppet than a human being. I didn't think I fully understood what the difference between laughing at me or laughing with me was.

But in my world — other people were still mean to me. Stealing my things. Making fun of how I often rocked back and forth. Swiftly touching me with the "Cheese Touch", a trend copied from the Wimpy Kid Diaries Series that made other kids avoid you. I was short tempered back then, and I spent time taking revenge back with words or violence, as teachers' efforts never seemed to cause any permanent change. The teachers were often kneeling down to me gently and firmly to say, "Just stop being angry," or "Just stop crying, " without ever asking me why I was. I had so much potential with the intelligence and curiosity has shown -- why did I have to be so emotional?

My mom was frustrated, shouting at me at how deeply embarrassed she was of my behavior until I cried, especially with some of my pranks - I only knew recently that she did so because she thought I truly wanted to hurt her and others. In fact, a therapist a few years later would agree, I was sensitive to sound, and when I was deeply stressed, it could literally feel noise was drilling into my brain as physical pain. My mom's shouts were often those drills. I didn't understand her explanations as to my little black and white world back then -- either people loved all humor or hated all of them. Either everyone cared about me, or no one did. Either I was a genius or I was an idiot.

And so I concluded that all humor was wrong, that no one cared, that I never knew enough, and this broke me. I loved messing around. I loved attention and praise. I loved to learn things and grow. I spent time weeping over my fears alone feeling like I've done something worthy of death.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on December 28, 2017, 03:31:34 PM
I would like to give little DR a friendly hug, a warm smile, a hand to hold. A pile of books to indulge in and a cup of hot chocolate. Hugs to you, dear DR, if you want them.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 28, 2017, 04:33:39 PM
i agree that getting those kinds of labels can seem limiting, like that's all there is to you.  i, personally, don't believe it's true.  as a therapist, i know that we are compelled to come up with a diagnosis asap to put on the forms that are sent to ins. companies.  that was how we got paid, so the sooner the better.  to me, it was really one of the most difficult things to do as a therapist, and the part of it all that i disliked the most.  i didn't like labeling.  still don't.

so, the labels are for the paperwork, but not necessarily for your life.  you keep doing what you're doing, d.r., which is recovering from trauma of whatever kind you endured.   you are so much more than anything written on a piece of paper.  you are working hard to bring yourself into a new space and place in your life.

for that i commend you.  sending a hug filled with encouragement and support. (if that's ok - if not, just ignore that part). 
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 29, 2017, 12:01:50 PM
Hey 3Roses, thanks for the items you've given me. I really appreciate the image — comforting and relaxing.  :hug:

Thank you, San. I'm glad you just see me as me.  :hug:

....

Everyone has their own individual signs of progress, and I have my own.

One of them was boredom. Not a meaningless or empty boredom. But a boredom that yearned for exploration. A boredom that was alive, and not dead. A boredom that relished fear when it came.

I always hated fear. I once thought courage was feeling no fear. Later I thought courage was soldiering on despite fear. But I understood — that the courage I had growing these days was because I began to love fear more deeply.

I found myself sinking into a flashback.

I remember my 11 year old self was typing rapidly into a keyboard. I wanted to know if a God existed, and I felt if I didn't know the answer, it would endager me my entire life.

I was 14, pacing quickly around near the dinner table, and wondering if reality existed. How could I prove I was not a brain hooked up to a machine giving me the illusion of reality?

I was 15 sitting upon the foot of the bed and I worried if humanity had enough knowledge to survive — history has shown that what was seen as normal are now backwards today. So I and the world might be doing something horrible — even causing a major extinction for our species. . .

I'd have multple panic attacks and tears over it, often being hidden under the blankets. I was deeply afraid, yet . . . deeply fascinated, even excited. Even with the few people I relied to online, they couldn't relate to it at all.

I understood I was different, pondering things no one else seemed to, and I felt . . . truly alone.


















Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 29, 2017, 02:54:17 PM
that's pretty heavy stuff to ponder, d.r., especially at those ages.  existential in some areas.  did you ever come up with answers that felt satisfactory? 

personally, i think some of the goings-on in the world today, altho they may take great intellect, are not the smartest.  that may sound like a paradox, or a pair of ducks, take your pick.  (supposed to be gentle humor). 

i can understand why you may have felt all alone.  i would guess there weren't too many kids who were thinking those kinds of things.  sounds like you were far and away ahead of your time. 

yep, i agree with you that progress is individual and personal.   i think, on one level, part of your progress includes sending     :hug:  to people who respond to you.   that's really nice, has a warmth to it, an intangible rather than pure logic.  thanks.    :hug:  back to you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on December 30, 2017, 10:47:00 AM
San, thank you for being there with me all this time. :) You don't know how you just listening to me and validating me has changed my life for the few months on this site.

I thought about making another long post but I had enough of that today with my post, "How Being a Jack of All Trades Taught Me About Acceptance," in the "Successes, Progresses" forum. So it'll just be a shorter than usual one here now.

Did I ever find satisfactory answers?

You see, my obsession with knowledge was similar to a selfish rich man's obsession with money. It was greed to ask for more and more but never was satisfied with it enough. It was shallow to use the riches of knowledge to show off and brag to others. It was selfishness to keep all the information I've learned in my own private piggy bank but never sharing them to others. It was workaholism to keep looking for more to know even when it sacrifices the goodness of other parts in life, like emotions or action.

I learned to be more frugal with it, you see.

The answer to my fear, shame and anger around not knowing enough wasn't to become some all knowing being.

It was to be fine with not knowing everything. And turns out being fine with not knowing makes it possible for me to not force answers that aren't well thought out enough, and to really examine what I didn't know.

I don't know if it will last, but today I think I was fine with that part of me today.

Today, I believe I know enough.

:hug:



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 30, 2017, 11:27:27 AM
dang, d.r., that sounds like real progress to me.  those are quite some heavy realizations to be able to admit, and i commend you for them.  i'm very happy for you - that was the first feeling i had when i read what you wrote at the end.  really.  it felt like a sort of contentment at last. 

whether it can be maintained or not can be changed from day to day, but for this day, you felt it, believed it, and that counts.  and i truly believe that if we get those kinds of feelings once, we can get them again if they don't always stick around.  yep, you are doing really well.  yay.   :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on December 30, 2017, 06:25:08 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
It's good to know that you felt you 'knew enough' - because that potentially shows you're feeling more comfortable what you know - and I think that's positive.
:hug: to you and wishing you lots of positive things for 2018.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on December 31, 2017, 09:37:09 PM
Your post is filled with hope and determination. It is wonderful to read!

I just wanted to drop on by and wish you a happy celebration and a all the best wishes for the year coming! Happy New years!
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: LittleBird on December 31, 2017, 10:15:22 PM
Dr, your post filled me with hope too. I believe I know enough and I'm content with that (in this moment). It's a difficult balancing act.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 01, 2018, 12:43:14 PM
Thank you San, Hope, Sceal, and Little Bird. Happy New Year to you all, and I wish you guys the best for the new year ahead.  :hug:

My inner critic has been raging recently. Sometimes I think I grew up with something similar to an eating disorder, but instead of weight and appearance to obsess about, it was my intelligence.

I was afraid of losing my chance of success.

But what was success to me the most? It was not fame and fortune, of course -- though I think of that too much. It was not the ideal of some kind of near all knowing state to remove all sense of powerlessness.  It was not even compassion, authenticity or meaningful relationships like many here.

It was the kick of new perspectives, new truths. It was asking questions over and over, scanning a thousand possible answers over the horizon, and to find the wonder of an insight after all the effort. It was a beauty often found in the depths of both solitary study and play.

I remember Richard Feynman — a famous physicist with a colorful personality -- a mixture of wild party lover and analytic scientist. While teaching as a professor, he became aware of a certain meaningless and boredom in his life, and he concluded . . . that he was not doing things for fun. He rejected the money others gave him to teach or study certain things they wanted him to learn, and to go explore things as he liked. One night he was called on how he had just received a Nobel Prize because of the discoveries he made for fun — and in response, he showed no interest. The only reward he needed was the joy of discovering something new.

So was I a success in my eyes? Did I learn new delicious truths to taste that only I could answer to myself? Did I see other perspectives of the world to enjoy?  Did I . . . have fun?

I know the answer to that.

Heh. I've forgotten what I wanted most.

I used to rely and listen to only myself and by myself, did I conclude to rely and listen to others. It was others that told me. .  . to rely and listen to myself again.



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 02, 2018, 09:18:44 AM
Hey, I think I'll be taking a break from OOTS for a bit. I don't know how long — I don't usually plan ahead that far off. I figure it out as a I go.

I know I usually come back when I say this, but I bet I'll really try this this time. Why? Because I realized I don't accept myself. . . because I don't know myself. But in a way, people accepting me here allowed a certain role modeling of what acceptance looks like, that I can use now in solitude.

I thought thinking for yourself was only about the big things — political and spiritual beliefs, education and career choices, long term goals and priorities in life, and so on. But now I believe that thinking for yourself is also about the little things.

What little activities I decide for myself on a day. What little things I say to others or refuse to say on a day. How I define concepts obvious seeming concepts such as true or false, smart or stupid, laziness or hard work, kindness or cruelty, and so on. To remove assumptions and to see life without words — the Truth — a concept I mention at the start of my journal.

I need the details rational and precise, you see — not based on a fear of rejection, ignored or being left out. Maybe in a way they're more important — because these little decisions take up a much larger time of our lives. But I only had enough confidence to start to trust myself this way because of OOTS, after all.

So see you much later, unless I give up on this too soon because of some emotional emergency. Who knows?

Bye.  :hug:

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 02, 2018, 01:50:04 PM
see you when you're ready.  hope it goes well for you.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: LittleBird on January 02, 2018, 09:32:59 PM
 :hug: sorry to hear you are taking a break (I've enjoyed your humour!) but you have fair enough reasons. I hope you feel a bit better soon and can rejoin, after some time refocusing.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 03, 2018, 11:42:21 AM
Well, this is an embarassingly quick amount of time to come back. Looks like I need more nurturing than I thought. . . Remember when I said I'd come back if there's an emotional emergency?

Well, you see. . . uhh. . . well. . .

Right now I've been thinking that the world is in the palm of my hands as a holy grail with angels singing. Next thing I know I'm angry at the world that's as evil as Donald Trump's wig. Then hitting me with a brick,  I fear that I'd die of embarassment picturing the epitaph on my grave : "Thou was shamed at life, and in death."

Then suddenly it feels like I'm relaxing in a spa . . . with wonderful scents and  . .  . HOLY CRAP WHAT IF MY LIFE ENDS UP HORRIBLE AND I DIE ON THE STREETS! Then I  think of really . . . .good looking girls. . .and more good looking girls. . . 

Okay, I can tell it's not an EF, and nothing externally has caused it. So why?

I went and ask my nice self (NS) Sometimes I like to imagine a much more compassionate version to me to speak to myself more kindly — while trying to ignore the inner critic.

Me : Why?
NS : Oh, that's just puberty making you moody.
Me : Pfff. I'm not going through puberty. I'm actually secretly an alien being who has the ability to transform their appearance and was born absolutely logical and calm.
NS : Right . . . .It's alright. Acceptance is the first step to emotional healing. You're back from Christmas break to classes too — and the shake to your routine especially with being an Aspie is tough on you.
Me : Hahahaha! Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
NS : Hey, even people who do things like philosophize about the nature of reality and is trying to innovate a specialized application with Systems thinking go through—
Me : Don't  say it! Well. . .
NS : Well?
Me : Excuse me, I'm going to hide under my pillows forever and I'm not coming back. Hahaha! Screw you. Goodbye!
NS : I think you need to go back to OOTS. . .





Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 03, 2018, 02:15:47 PM
glad you have ns to talk to sometimes.  it's ok to be back, to be messy.  tis the season.  i'm messy right now as well. 

hang tough, d.r. - hangin' right beside you.    :hug:  there's a wee bit of nurturing for you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on January 04, 2018, 08:44:39 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 06, 2018, 04:52:33 AM
Hey San and Sceal, thank you.  :hug:

....

I don't ask for favors, help or listening enough — even after a whole amount of practice the entire last year. I don't really take up space that much — I tend to give up on trusting easily and distance myself too much due to my trauma. I enjoy solitude, but even this can be too much sometimes.

I noticed both my trauma therapist and my occupational therapist make a habit of asking me about my interests. It's a new idea to me that people would try to adapt to my hobbies rather than I adapt to others'.

I notice that I lose confidence to speak up very often and they'd have to lead the conversation in a way that gets me talking.. I'm slowly having longer and longer conversations with people outside those two though.

I feel calmer these days — my intensely analytic and serious tendencies has mellowed out somehow, with a touch of gentle silliness at times. Think maybe a mix of Mr.Spock and Gramma Tala from Moana, but a lot more shy. Heh. With a bit of that teenager moodiness, I guess.

But I  . . . I can't still remove that constant feeling of hurt that follows me through the day.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on January 06, 2018, 09:38:45 AM
Sound to me that you are making tremendous progress. 
Being aware that you sometimes distance yourself too much, that your trust issues are a heavy burden to carry.
But you are also able to carry longer conversations with people.

Awareness and doing things are good steps to take.

And I hope that the hurt will slowly, but steadily start to ebb away. Maybe sometimes the steps are so small it's hard to notice at first.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on January 09, 2018, 04:44:06 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on January 06, 2018, 04:52:33 AM

I feel calmer these days — my intensely analytic and serious tendencies has mellowed out somehow, with a touch of gentle silliness at times. Think maybe a mix of Mr.Spock and Gramma Tala from Moana, but a lot more shy. Heh. With a bit of that teenager moodiness, I guess.


Hi Decimal Rocket, I really think you're doing well to feel calmer these days - that is great!   :hug: to you and I don't know who Tala from Moana is, but I do know Mr Spock, and he's a nice character.   Wishing you the best - and hope this year will be a good one for you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on January 09, 2018, 05:20:52 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on January 06, 2018, 04:52:33 AM
I feel calmer these days — my intensely analytic and serious tendencies has mellowed out somehow, with a touch of gentle silliness at times.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: progress! Noticing your own progress is progress too  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I liked your dialogue with NS, it made me laugh at the end that NS thought you should go back to OOTS.  ;D It's where I spend lots of time too. i'm glad you've found a Nice Self. I don't think I have one of those, not consciously anyway. It's a good idea and I'm sure a good healing tool!

I'm sure that with your healing work, the pain will gradually get less. Mine has done so. Until then  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 10, 2018, 12:42:48 PM
Hi Sceal, Hope and Blueberry.

:grouphug:

Thanks guys for cheering me on. I'm growing to be more self accepting with my inner critic weakening these days, but my outer critic can still use a lot work. I guess that's why I'm able to have a Nice Self when it comes to me, but hold lots of distrust with other people.

....

I haven't been posting here as recently because I seem to be able to need less attention, but even when I need some attention, I hesitate.

I don't know. Much of my progress usually involves realizing a solution that comes from inspiration from different hobbies, some complex talented problem solving or profound philosophical insights.

Why do I not post these signs of progress?

Because I feel too different. Unrelatable. Too indimidating with my own ideas. I feel like I have to downput my own intelligence to not seem like I'm bragging or making others envy me — but to do that would be making it impossible to connect with people well.

Because hiding that part of me means hiding much of  my intellectual and emotional perspective on myself and the whole world. It means hiding what often shapes my own hopes, fears, dreams, insecurities and personality.

I want to relate to people more — but dammit, I'm just . . . I grew up knowing so much, yet I often didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with it. I didn't grow up with the same problems, questions and answers as most people do.

I delved into the complex and often ignored issues others don't pay attention to— to others it's brilliance. To me, it's isolation.

Right now I'm not much of anything to me — other than just a teenager who wants to fit in.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Elphanigh on January 10, 2018, 02:28:34 PM
Decimal, I can relate to this so much. I have had to hide my intelligence or ideas to not cause people to look at me differently or to keep them from thinking I am bragging. I still do this around my FOO and in quite a few social circles.

In my opinion, you are not too different or unrelatable at all. Actually you are quite the opposite in my experience. It can be intimidating to share some of the philosophical insight because it feels at firs time like no one will understand, I totally get that. I think this place would be accepting and caring about those words. There is never an obligation to post but I think this is a safe space to post that kind of progress if you ever wanted to.

I hope this was helpful, although I am not sure it will be.  Thank you for all of your wonderful responses and posts here Decimal.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on January 10, 2018, 09:27:55 PM
I had a friend (had, because we lost contact as life continued in our seperate countries) who were born a genious, as they say. He got into uni at the age of 15. Because he was far more superior intelligence wise than his classmates, and he got bored at school. School didn't matter to him. I knew him before he turned 15, and after. He's about 5 years younger than I, I think. I can't quite tell. But emotionally his maturity hadn't levelled out with his intelligence. I've read, that is often the case with children who has above average intelligence. And that they often feel isolated because of it. You're not alone in this.

I think, that if you just tell your life as it is. As how you experience it, it's good enough. It's what any and all of us can do. You might be asking different questions than some of us. Maybe due to your intelligence, maybe due to your indvidual experience or maybe both.
Regardless, it is useful to ask questions no one else is asking.
There might be people who doesn't dare to ask them, and keep them close to their hearts. And there might be people who had never even thought of the curious question.  Questions are wonderful things, they can lead to more knowledge. More knowledge can lead to greater understanding and more questions. It's like a spiral. But sometimes, it is greatly helpful to get other people's perspective.

P.S I think making contact and meaningful and wholehearted connections with people is something we all struggle with in modern day time. Perhaps, it was something that we've always yearned and wanted and not always been able to achieve.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 11, 2018, 10:09:26 AM
Thanks you two.  :hug:

Elpha— you did help. Relating to someone is comforting for me.

Sceal, I guess we're all different somehow, but we all share a common humanity together, huh? Well, I guess it's nice to remember that my own abilites have their good side too.

Sorry, I don't have as much inner resources to go visit how you're all doing these days, but I wish anyone reading this the best.

.....


My teachers once said I'd be put in an accelerated program if I wasn't so easily stressed. Now I'm beginning to think I'm getting to this terrible balance where I'm not stressed enough to be incredibly bored in classes, and stressed enough to still be grieving in sadness over painful flashbacks.

When my mind was more anxious, it felt deeply terrible, but the intellectual challenge of having to be constantly aware of my mind's intricacies were at least interesting.

Many of what I listen to in class are things I've already read on my own a long time ago, and the things I don't know are often just frustratingly boring facts to memorize instead of novel opportunites for critical thinking and problem solving.  When they do the latter, they often pair me up with crowded group settings that overwhelm my noise sensitivity — which was bad enough to be diagnosed as a disorder. I'm not smart at everything, but even my weaknesses are starting to become less and less challenging.

My greatest will to live comes from learning, and without it, life becomes much more meaningless.

Sigh — for now I'll just cope with really interesting books to bring to class, and sneakily googling more challenging things on my tablet under the table.

I miss being afraid. I miss being confused. I miss being lost.

Because only then could ideas be discovered.

....

I have something what I call "Researcher's intuition" where I tend to have a good sense of what the best questions are to ask, the best resources to look for information and a feeling of when essential information is missing. This time, it led me to a certain story.

It told a story of a king who sought to rule the world in power, might and intelligence. While waiting for the next battle preparations, he asked his servants to send him all the national leading champions of the most complex strategy games. He beat all the champions except one, a young blind girl. He taught all humans were the same, but this girl surprised him intellectually . . . and emotionally. When told she would die if she'll lose, she didn't fear death, because from being from a poor family, not being the national champion meant death from poverty. He apologized, then as they played, he'd slowly come to enjoy the girl's presence, and the girl enjoys his.

In battle, the king was poisoned and he was about to die, and requested one last match with the girl, bowing down to the people who took hostage of her. He told her she won't die anymore if she lost, and she said if she won, all she wanted was another match. After all the effort, he lost to the girl again. He died not caring about conquering the world anymore -- the exact reasons why he'll never understand.

Hahaha. I smiled. Reminds me of a certain someone. . .

I live for something new now. I live to lose.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 13, 2018, 06:25:28 AM
Well, no one, huh?

It's alright. . . I'll just deal with the pain myself. Yes, myself.

I might have . . . physically collapsed today, and wept, without asking for help. Then was repeatedly asked what I wanted for about 20 times until I finally broke the silence with one word, "Home."

But I'm okay now. Okay.

Sigh. Not even an event like this seems interesting to analyze now.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on January 13, 2018, 02:42:11 PM
 :hug: to you Decimal Rocket. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on January 13, 2018, 11:17:56 PM
 :hug: :hug: DR
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on January 14, 2018, 06:31:25 AM
 :grouphug:

I hope that you will fight your way through these dark days, and find your inquisitive and curious mind again to start asking the questions.
In the meantime, I hope you remember that allowing yourself to be vulnerable, although how hard and difficult that is, I struggle with being it myself, is according to Brene Brown a place for connection.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 14, 2018, 11:00:06 AM
Thank you all for the hugs.

:grouphug:

I'm sorry, I guess I just wanted to look strong, but inside, it's a mess. So thanks Sceal for the reminder that I can open up.  :hug:

...

I noticed something. While I still have the inner and outer critic, I don't dissociate and numb as much. I can experience a wide range of emotions now, often at the same time at strong amounts. It's strange to realize that I was meant to be this sensitive if not for the trauma — my earliest memories are feeling like this.. I feel scared, amused, grateful, depressed, aching, hurt, thrilled, hopeful, embarrassed and guilty now.

It's a scary thing to feel  — but I've never felt so. . . human. I didn't want to be above or below people, but a part of them— and that's what I get by feeling human.

Do I deserve all the good things that happen in life? Won't that mean less of the good for others?

Well, I'd think to myself, that in the ancient times era, sacrifice was a lot more needed as resources were more scarce. Then science came into the mix — and found more efficient ways for more resources in food, land and water for everybody. Then there were philosophers like Lao Tzu who talked about how a war didn't need to begin if people found a win-win. Who made really cool nature metaphors. . . Heh.

I guess is a resource that can be developed in the same way.

Hmm. . . More doesn't always mean less somewhere else. More can mean more in other places.

It's emotionally healing, historically accurate, efficient on creating change and advantageous on a personal level.

Heh. . .  I feel deeply comforted somehow by thinking this way, but I still don't know what to do with the crowds of emotions flooding inside me moment by moment. It's . . . overwhelming.



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 15, 2018, 08:57:28 AM
Today has been the most normal day in my life.

Which is strange, because my life has often been very abnormal.

I still had EFs, still had feelings of being overwhelmed, still had those critics. . . . but there were lessened to a point that things almost seem . . . ordinary. It wasn't the type of day that could be a scene in a dramatic emotional film, or an inspiration movie climbing up to a miracle. Just. . . an everyday, casual day.

I spent much of it self learning with something I named "Cross Learning". This involved finding more than 200+ thinking words (Analyze, remember, apply, brainstorm, compare etc.), identifiying my problem areas and improving them across unrelated subjects and everyday life. So I can do it throughout the day, work on the root causes of what's wrong, and with variety.

I use this for what I'm bad at and for what I'm too good at — I use for other things. While I'll put in the needed effort, I sometimes read unrelated things in class — some things are more essential things to learn than 80% of what's in school. 20% I'll stick around for.

What's a normal day for me? Hmm, I don't know.

A normal day, huh? I don't think it exists in my life, and in the entire world, I'm not sure if one ever has.

I've heard of too many people trying to be normal (like me), saying they're not normal or saying they "act" as if they're normal, but is there actually anyone in the world who's "perfectly normal"?

I'd like to meet one who truly is — they might just be the strangest person I ever met.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on January 15, 2018, 09:43:58 AM
I suppose you have to define what is normal before you can look at what a normal day contains, and what would describe a normal person.

I don't think PTSD is un-normal. It's a reaction on something bad that happened. Actions without consequence is abnormal. PTSD is a consequence. Although not everyone gets PTSD, but just because majority doesn't get it, does it mean it's abnormal? No, I don't think so.

Normal is a loaded word. Just like "weak" and "strong". I prefer regular, it's similar, but not quite.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 15, 2018, 12:01:57 PM
Interesting that you looked at it from a perspective of how emotionally loaded "normal" is and you have a point. I'll use "regular" more as I'm worried how others will feel about it. I looked at it by stripping away all emotional associations with a word and defined it logically.

Normal seems entirely relative to me - based on arbitrary things like culture, time period and personal experiences, and no one fits it entirely 100%. That's why it'd be very hard to look for someone "perfectly normal" and adapting to everyone's idea of it is going to go nowhere.

My own treatment these days is finding my own definitions of essential words these days -- I get the sense that if I make a word my own, other's words have less of a pull on me.

I'm not going to do any of that follow your heart business. My irrational heart is what got me into this mess. It's better for me to follow my own mind, and follow others' hearts.

I know . . . because it's working, without crossing the line of being too cold.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 22, 2018, 12:32:05 AM
hearts are irrational, d.r.  that's why we love with our heart and not with our mind.  emotions can seem irrational at times as well.  i think it's a process to find a balance of what fits for each of us as individuals.  it made me smile that when you listed off all the emotions you're now feeling, you also added that you felt more 'human'.  feeling 'human' is one of the most irrational things i've ever felt.  also one of the most abnormal.

normalcy is probably irrational in its own way.  i don't think it can be definitively defined, myself.  i do believe we have our own level of normalcy, again, that works for us.   as i've been working away at this, acceptance keeps coming to the fore.  while i've been gone, that was the concept uppermost in my mind.  accepting myself as i am.  isn't that akin to unconditional love?  isn't that what we've striven for all our lives - to be accepted for just the person we are?

so, i'm believing in acceptance for me more and more lately.  i got so exhausted battling what i saw in myself as faults, wrongs, flaws that i shut down.  when the acceptance bird flew into my ken, i suddenly felt clearer, lighter, less like i had to continue fighting who i am.

i noticed you're giving out hugs now.  way to go!  proud of you, d.r.  here's one for you, just the emoji hug until you let me know you're ready to accept more.    :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 22, 2018, 09:19:17 AM
Hi San. :) Welcome back. Heh — don't worry about affection being too much. I can take it now somehow. . . well, at least from you.

Haha, yeah, hearts are irrational. That doesn't mean I'm going to harm or not listen to my heart, but simply that it won't make the final long term decision.

I'll continue looking for my own ideals in objectivity but with a change. It's like any ideal people strive for like love, bravery, discipline and anything really — work hard for it, but realize you're human and you have limits.

My heart wants to be accepted and loved after all — can't hurt to give it some.
:hug:

...
My therapist suggested something creative.

So I got myself a workbook called the "Write Brain Workbook" and wrote stories.

A mystery about how a doctor might have lied about his famous cure, a story like a mythology — of a deity figure blowing away a modern apocalyptic world, a thriller of finding a counterfeiter group — The Whales —giants in the ocean of money, a warmhearted story about an eccentric lady wearing a Santa costume made of red colored paper and cotton, and more.

I've written stories throughout my entire life but kept coming and going with them— it wasn't that I was bad at making them. It was more that I struggled to realize which story I wanted to write out of all the ideas— a strange discomfort with its lack of structure and precision in deciding things.

I felt something release with relief much more than I used to when I wrote before — other times I'd still stare at a blank page not knowing what I wanted to write.

But well, I've been coming back to this hobby for this long for a reason.

I follow the idea that makes me the most curious. Not doing it for anything grand like "Beauty" or "Truth", but just because I want to mess around, explore and have fun.

I understand what I want most in life now — The objective truth and well . . . play.







Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 22, 2018, 04:42:29 PM
not bad goals, to my mind.  objective truth - that's a tough one for me.  i was once asked by a very religious friend if i knew the 'truth'.  hers was based in her religion.  i'm not of any 'religion', but am very spiritual.  so, i told her what my truth was, which ran counter to hers.  she couldn't understand.

is there an objective truth?  or is everyone's personal truth valid.  i tend toward the latter.  i believe that 'truth' comes to us through our experiences and feelings - a mix of reality ( or our perception of it) and emotions about those experiences.  then again, i know nothing about objective truth, except maybe math (2 + 2 = 4).  another interesting concept from you.

sending you a warm loving hug, d.r.  thanks for letting me in. 
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: woodsgnome on January 22, 2018, 05:17:26 PM
"Objective truth" and "play". The first is ever-elusive, the second helps to clear  the confusion. As in we yearn for stories to explain things; some of these work for a while, others not so well. The fix then is to find a new story, revamp an older tale, play with their effects on life and heart, and then...perhaps...find or create another story.

Unfortunately, there are many on this board--myself for instance-- who had other people's stories forced on us, and it can be hard to find the resilience to recover and craft our own stories. Or find the motivation/strength to do so.

Reminds me of a book title--"The World is Made up of Stories" by David Loy. Stories, and creative, curious minds. You're on track, DR.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 23, 2018, 10:27:37 AM
Hi San. :)

This discussion reminds me of a study where they compared how scientists and artists react as they describe images. The artists often described images with words on their own personal feelings of it and the atmosphere it gave. The scientists often described these images by saying what was factually there — observing its details carefully.

To believe that there's only subjective or objective truth is too simplistic really— there's both in this world.

Besides, if I could clearly define what objective truth was, it wouldn't be as entertaining.

....

W.g, you got that one right. People often associate logic only with order, when mine has a certain free spiritedness to it, really. Like a child in wonder trying to take a toy apart to see how it works — not caring if the pieces have to be broken apart, because only with this stage of confusion, can he find a new type of structure to its nature.

Maybe the greatest order lives inside the greatest chaos.
...
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 23, 2018, 11:03:01 AM
I'm guilty for being angry at my mom.

She was an anxious case — with her own life, and with me. She dealt with this by micromanaging the practical side of my life and panicking or shaming me if I wasn't following her exact routine. Even if I was dead tired and crying, she still wanted me to follow the exact one.

She's gotten more flexible and calmer with me over time as I communicate my needs, but being with her still gives me flashbacks — from usually easygoing, I get irritable. Especially when she can still get emotional — even if it's shorter and milder these days — it still feels dangerous.

Why am I so angry? And with time, I realize that aside from the EFs, there was a reason. I despised her own irrationality and her rigidness, and I hate that I'm being forced to deal with it.

Nurturing isn't exactly an area of my expertise. Emotions are deeply confusing to me — in myself and with other people, and dealing with her own constant anxiety in such a rushed way scared  me. Besides, she has a habit of stepping down my constant curiosity and need to explore by finding danger in everything novel I do.

Sigh — I'm ... I'm so bad at this. I don't want to hurt her.

I can distance myself emotionally very well — years of analyzing things objectively has taught me that.

But that won't fully solve things, would it?






Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on January 23, 2018, 04:19:22 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket - I relate to what you said about being 'micromanaged' - it's a tough dynamic isn't it.  Good for you for expressing some of your feelings relating to your Mum, and I just came by to say Hi  :wave: and wish you well for a week that will be positive - or whatever you'd like it to be. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 23, 2018, 05:37:57 PM
i think anger is a natural emotion, one that we express even as infants.  i don't see anything to feel guilty about with being mad at your mother.  when we're not cared for the way we've needed to be cared for, i do believe we have a right to be angry about that.  feel it, express it appropriately, and know that it's nothing to be ashamed of.  it doesn't make you a bad person, just someone who isn't always comfortable with their emotions.  no harm, no foul.

those expectations put on us to do something 'exactly' the way someone else wants us to are horrible.  i grew up with those, and they were nearly the death of me.  throwing them off has come from feeling my emotions about them and the people who placed them on me without my consent.  anger has certainly been one of them.

sending a warm, loving hug to you.  you're not alone in this.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on January 24, 2018, 06:45:40 AM
Hi Rocket!
I can relate to feeling angry with my mother. i think alot of people can, even those who do not have PTSD. Not that it helps, really :P
But, I think it's natural. I also feel bad everytime I portray my mother poorly to others, because after all I do care about her.  And being angry at someone I care about, I find that very difficult. I don't know if it's the same for you.

Eitherway, a hug if you want one!  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on January 24, 2018, 10:00:28 AM
I've communicated some more with my mom to come to an understanding —  she was well . . . a lot calmer than me during it. Me? Sigh. Well, things smooth out bit by bit.

Hope, I'm glad I have someone to relate to, and I wish you positive things too.

San, that eased my guilt well.  I didn't exactly want to remove anger — more so express it more calmly. But I'm glad you're here.  :hug:

Sceal, thanks for being understanding. :) Glad to see you again.

.....
Okay, guys. I have. . . a certan issue . . . that I should have told you people a long time ago.

You ever notice that I don't use "he/she" to refer to myself, but use "they"?

Eh heh . . . Yeah . . . Well, I'm a bit afraid this is going to come off as too weird or crazy. Okay, more than a bit.

I'm dissociating less, and that means being more grounded in my body. Grounded in a body that has a single gender, and it's not to the level of distressing or painful most of the time, but more . . . disorienting or uncomfortable.

My own picture of myself tends to lean into being a man one time and a woman another time — but always somewhere in between, or even somewhere that isn't in the spectrum at all. . . for as long as I can remember.

I can fully calm down with some level of dissociation — by imagining myself in the body I want as I go through the day — sometimes male, female or between and can somehow happily "forget" my gender, until . . . someone mentions it.

You see. . . I'm kinda worried . . .very worried . . .that you picture me in your mind with a single gender.

OH MY GOD. WHY CANT I MORPH MY BODY???




Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 24, 2018, 10:53:31 AM
i noticed, d.r.  i also remember one post where you said you were told to 'man up', which gave me the impression you had a boy's body.  as far as the rest of it goes, it doesn't matter to me.  whatever, whoever you are, you're still aces in my book.

i've chatted with people from the lgbtqetc. community, saw a documentary with katie couric talking to different people about gender issues and found it very informative.  gender fluidity was discussed, and the use of the pronoun 'they' because of moving from one gender to another, perhaps at any given moment. 

it helped open my eyes a bit wider into an area of which i have no personal experience.  genetic makeup of a human being, including body and mind parts is something i realized a long time ago is much too complex not to express itself in many ways.

thanks for sharing.  thanks for letting us know you just a little bit better.  i'm glad you're here, too.  warm loving hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on January 24, 2018, 02:43:36 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
It's interesting what you said, and I wanted you to know that I had no pre-conceptions of what gender you are - I really hadn't thought about it.

I just know that you're a really great person - and that I have found your replies and your posts good to read, and I relate to you.  You have such an interest in life and I love your analytical way that you look at things - or at least that is what I presumed from things you've said.

Just wanted to share those thoughs, Decimal Rocket, and say 'You Rock!' 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: woodsgnome on January 24, 2018, 06:56:30 PM
DR, what you relate about not necessarily identifying with one gender 100% of the time suits my approach as well. Unless I have to, I tend not to point out whether I'm a guy or not--in a lot of what gets discussed here, one's gender pales in comparison to the overall abuses we deal with (in my case, I was abused by both men and women as a kid and beyond).

I may look like a 'woodsman', but I'm anything but when it comes to purposefully portraying that as an essential part of my makeup. Indeed, it's confusing to many who assume I'm some macho fellow who lives in the woods for all the usual stereotyped assumptions. Some assume I'm some anti-social rebel; but they soon find out I'm affable, curious and wanting to like people, but never able to fully trust, for a reason (I don't usually tell; not many understand the implications of cptsd, or want to; few can relate--although a couple have; still I don't normally volunteer that info).

I live in an area where 'outdoors' means that hunting/fishing stand out as characteristic of guys who hang out here. I don't point it out, but anyone who knows me in short order would find out those pursuits aren't high on my list of traits; nothing against either pursuit but they aren't my attraction for living 'out here'.

While always in love with the woods and nature in general, my living here came about directly as part of the escape route away from my misspent youth as a cptsd victim. The woods meant peace, and I ran to them as soon as I could. Admittedly it's difficult to risk judgement about that background by stating it upfront, but I don't worry about it much either--the part about how others will perceive me is entirely their doing; I only know my needs were to find at least a different outward way of life (unfortunately I've learned one never fully escapes the emotional residue from years of abuse).

Some who do come upon my place seem to wonder, but I don't hide it or pretend to be any different. I live in a house dominated by books and reading materials every place one looks. If they really need to know, I'll joke that I'm a professor without a campus or something--my 'self-university'. In practical terms, I'm distant from any actual libraries, and until the internet alternative, instead of going to the source of reading I brought it here.

Okay, back to the gender i.d. theme--I've come to regard myself as asexual, but even that's more of an identity for others to figure than for me. This tends to blend into how I write, without specific gender identifiers unless there's some reason it comes into play (e.g. male/female therapists, which gender abuse was prevalent--in my case both, etc.).

So your mention of this, DR, was one of instant affinity on my part. Also in my case, it's the same with reading as with writing--if gender is a key part of the problem, I can relate; otherwise, I view us all as humans first, then the other (but even the other may not fit anyone's pre-conceived notions).

Hope that makes sense--when I read what you had to say in that regard it was instant recognition and made perfect sense (not that imperfect is somehow wrong either).

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on January 24, 2018, 08:26:29 PM
I want to share my support too.

For as long as I can remember I've never cared what gender anyone is. What has mattered to me is WHO the person is. I am far more interessted in the core of a person. Their story, their belief, their experiences and the way they think and feel- rather than their looks, or sex.  I think it matters more who we are as people, as a person.

I thought a great deal about this during my teens, I recall. Identity-wise and sexuality-wise. I am a woman, mind and body. But I don't always particularly feel feminine. And I do struggle to relate to other women and their difficulties (although that has evened out a little bit more as I've grown older).  My curiosity towards this as a teen, I am certain, was far milder than what you are going through.
I do hope as you find out what it is that you want to call yourself, be it one over the other, or neither at all. Or even changing at different times, I do hope that you will accept yourself for who you are. And that you will find people in real life that will also accept you for who you are.

Because, Rocket, you are simply brilliant.



In any shape or form you come in.
(The wrapping might look nice and wonderous, but we all want what's on the inside.)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 03, 2018, 12:56:37 PM
I thought I'd repost my previous posts, but reading them again just made me feel stupid. I just feel like I don't deserve all this kindness - that the time you guys give for me are better off used for people who need it more.

Recently, I'd been thinking about my dad. Ever noticed how I never really mention him? Yeah . . . he really isn't much of a present force in my life. He's a charming businessman with a knack for negotiations - even literally nearly had a business deal with the president of my country. He leaves me his credit card, but not his love.

Sigh. Every time I mention my own not-so-humble beginnings, I feel like every emotional problem I go through is unimportant compared to say, starving kids in Africa.  Yes, dad. Make me the lonely rich kid trope while you brag about my smarts to others while not recognizing me as a person enough. Right.

I feel guilty - he wasn't thatbad. He'd talk to me eagerly and warmly if I approached him, but influence from my mom, teachers, and bullies giving the message of suppressing my own viewpoints and emotions didn't make that easy. I don't know . . . he could just have done something more than stay distant by default.

Especially with growing up. I'm afraid of all that responsibility beyond high school, especially with more money in my bank account than I know what to do with. I grew up in a third world country dense with poverty and all my life, I've seen homeless people on the streets as I travel to school. Studying in one of the most distinguished schools around here, they drill into in your heads that we more financially lucky kids better don't grow up into greedy morons.

One of the issues around here is that most people well off and educated enough work abroad to get higher salaries - often leaving the worse off here on their own. Alright, I'll stay in this country. But sure, then what? What do I do? Could my choice with what to do with this money make things worse? Can talking with influential relatives create a terrible butterfly effect on those they influence? Does wanting to run away from it make me selfish? Will I become selfish? Why do I want to hide in my analyzing and researching mode forever without taking action?

I just feel a deep intense pressure - the kind of pressure that comes with a lot of power and the responsibility that comes with it . . . with another kind of pressure too.

The pressure of growing up.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on February 03, 2018, 04:37:32 PM
If I could offer my opinion - I say, it's more in your intentions behind your actions that determine whether or not you "should" do something (sorry, couldn't get around the should).  :Idunno:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: ah on February 03, 2018, 09:09:31 PM
You know, for years and years I felt paralyzed by possibilities. I had so many that I felt they weighed down on me like rocks. I could do this and this and this and that, and I wanted to do things meaningfully. I felt irresponsible and selfish if I made rash choices.
But ironically, looking back, as my life rolled on it turned out a lot of things just happened and dragged me in totally unexpected directions. My expectations were turned on their head one by one. Nothing turned out like I thought it would. I'm nothing like what I imagined I'd be. It's liberating in a way, maybe..? It's humbling to me to see how little control I had over my life. I did my best, then circumstances took over completely.

You're using everything at your disposal to be a good person and I think that's not just doing your best, it's uncommon. It's not to be taken for granted. It's worthy of so much respect.

As for gender, I'm with you. I've always felt a bit odd with my gender, ever since I was a baby. It's not that I wasn't a girl, it's just that I wasn't only a girl. I wasn't just a boy either. I was, well, just... a person. Both and neither, I guess. Neither made much sense to me, they felt like masks you wear. The "girl" role left me feeling very confused, limited and very un-girlish. I've always looked at other women's behavior in amazement, for whatever reason I'm just different. In part because of cptsd, but not only. Gender never felt as though it defined me as comfortably as it does others.
I feel like I'm explaining it really badly. It's so hard to put into words, but what I mean to say you're absolutely not alone.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on February 05, 2018, 05:08:32 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on February 03, 2018, 12:56:37 PM
I just feel like I don't deserve all this kindness - that the time you guys give for me are better off used for people who need it more.

Hi Decimal Rocket,
:hug: to you, and I just want to say that in my opinion, you definitely deserve kindness - and why wouldn't you?  You're a lovely person, and I like you very much - your interest in life, your character, you come across to me as a really solid and good person - and who is to say who needs kindness - don't we all deserve some kindness in life?  I think so. 
Anyway, I just wanted to say that.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on February 05, 2018, 06:41:29 PM
I just wanted to second both what Ah said and what Hope said.
:hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 05, 2018, 09:37:59 PM
o, d.r.  the fact that you're even wondering, worrying, contemplating, pondering, and thinking about what all this means tell me that you are going to be just fine.  you'll make worthwhile decisions that make sense to you, even if they don't make sense to anyone else.  you are already a valuable human being, and will become more valuable as you mature, gain some experience, and learn more about what truly fits for you.

you have a good heart, and, to me, that counts for so much.  never underestimate that.  it doesn't matter what your bank account looks like.   you have been a kind, caring person here - i see no reason why that would be any different anywhere else.  that's why people here have responded to you like they have.  you've drawn kindness toward you through being the person you are.

as far as your dad goes, neglect is also abusive.  it leaves us longing for what we didn't have at the same time it can make us uncomfortable getting exactly what we've always longed for.  it's too bad.  many of my problems began with emotional neglect, even tho we had a roof over our heads and enough to eat.   it all looked good to the outside.

do what you need to do for you, d.r.  growing up can be scary, and with added pressures, it can be scarier still.  take your time, utilize that keen mind to its best advantage, and you'll become the person you want to be.  of that i have no doubt.  big hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 06, 2018, 12:07:01 PM
Hi there. :grouphug: My mood has been unstable these past few days - I went to the guidance counselor's office then broke down crying yesterday and fell alseep for 2 hours from emotional exhaustion. I felt awkward around emotions and ashamed to be . . well, me, and I believed I didn't deserve help or happiness. I managed to come back thanks to a huge part to you guys' kind words though. I still feel like a fraud about all these affirmations for me, but thank you.  :)

I don't really mention it, but when I don't go here, I deal with stress mostly by meditation.

Focusing on an object like the breath or your 5 senses allows me to focus on so much else in life. This focus wraps around for the awareness that I use for insights. There were certain meditations used especially to remove assumptions, the kind featured in Peter Ralson's books, and I often use that.

One of the most basic exercises for this was to be aware of everything you haven't experienced first hand, and to realize this means you can't be 100% sure of it. You can believe it's likely of course (even 99% sure), but the challenge is to never make an absolute conclusion, to only fully trust your experience. What does this include for me? Well, nearly every scientific, cultural, historical, religious/spiritual, political, social, emotional and personal belief I ever had.

With the rest of the meditations being like this, I was in for a ride. Through it, I repeatedly questioned my sanity, ripped out comforting illusions enough for more than a few breakdowns and often was incredibly ashamed for questioning basic assumptions everyone had.

But over time, I found a deep calm around it. I had insights, like many of the ones I had since before and during this journal, that contributed to changing my life in never before. I realized that the only way to have peace with not knowing everything in life was not through knowing more, but repeatedly exposing myself to how much I didn't know. It's not perfect, but I trust my own logic more than ever, and the fear drifts away. I read less. I think more.

I've learned a lot by example about love and kindness like here, but alone, I heal the way I knew things best from the start. Reflection, solitude, and accuracy to an extreme precision.

But I did it for one main reason.

The objective truth may be shocking at first, but to me. . . to see the ' harsh ugly' reality as it is. . . I've never found anything more beautiful . . . as to understand what truly is.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Three Roses on February 06, 2018, 04:54:27 PM
QuoteI've never found anything more beautiful . . . as to understand what truly is.

This makes me feel happy!  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 06, 2018, 04:58:32 PM
i'm just really glad for you that you've found your own way to deal with stress.  those kinds of things can be huge for us.

yeah, i agree with you, we don't have to know/learn everything to be ok with what is and with ourselves.  i had to stop trying to understand the workings of the mind of various individuals in my life for the sake of my own sanity.  i have vague ideas now, but i don't have to prove them or explore them further.  i've got plenty in my life to keep me occupied on other levels.

slowly, d.r., all you need to know will be revealed, of that i'm certain.  your emotions are  being revealed to you now, and that's major.  no wonder you're exhausted by them.  take your time - it'll come to you.  warm, loving hug filled with calm and caring.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 09, 2018, 12:22:50 PM
Thank you San. Sorry, no hugs. Hugs are too uncomfortable today.

....

Is it me or math calms me down?

My emotions seem more controlled after solving equations. There's a certain rigorous respect to things with only enough evidence in math, and it teaches me not to blindly believe the fears and shame my emotions bring up.

Oh well, Riemann sums, aritmethic functions and t scores this weekend — yes please.

I had a volunteer listener online recently and she emphasized "positivity" too much. Arguing with her with logical arguments (politely of course) was actually . . . calming. I guess I need to find people to debate with more often.

Other than that, I was embarassed about having an occupational therapist. Aside with my visual/auditory oversensitvities, my fine motor skills are kinda . . . delayed too.

My fingers don't coordinate themselves well sometimes, and so handwriting can be difficult in class even if I understand more than others what to write. I feel like a dumb kindergarterner doing some of the exercises there — sigh.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on February 09, 2018, 12:26:42 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I know you said hugs are too uncomfortable today - so I'll just say 'Hi' - I have to say I admire your ability to do Math - I can't do Math at all - equations and arithmetic - it's like another language to me.  We all have different skills, and I guess that makes life more interesting doesn't it.
Anyway, wishing you well today.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 10, 2018, 12:54:16 AM
very cool that you have something that calms you like that.  math, so logical, seems like a logical choice.  the hard science of math compared to the soft science of emotions.  it makes sense to me that it's soothing to you.

no hug, just good wishes.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 10, 2018, 11:58:38 AM
Hey, thanks Hope and San.  :hug: Well, I find math hard too or maybe I'm just being overly modest again. That's why I like it though.

....

I'm feeling better today but will probably still need to post just for myself here as a break.

I noticed even without EFs, I still get . . . moody. Geez, I don't really want to acknowledge it but I have a growing body here to deal with everyday. I realize that to fully accept myself and my emotions, I have to admit that I'm going through p-p-pub— puber —puberaygun . Sigh. You know what I'm talking about.

This place feels more like my family than the entire 16 years of my life with my biological family, and with my parents, they never really bother explaining about the p word. They rarely really tried to explain much of life to me.

I just get moody about wanting to be independent from people and also wanting constant guidance, okay? I feel awkward and self conscious too often. Come onnn — I feel safe with logic, but it's very hard to be sometimes when emotional control in the brain isn't even fully developed at this age.

I'm pissed off about being abandoned in this confusion.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 11, 2018, 07:25:29 AM
Nevermind. Maybe I'm just burdening people to reply to the above. I'm used to it anyway — relying on myself.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 11, 2018, 11:58:38 AM
Dammit. I'm heating up, coughing and my whole body is aching.

I have a fever.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on February 11, 2018, 01:06:23 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Hope you feel better soon - having a fever - maybe get some medical advice - drink plenty of fluids - I'm not sure what people are supposed to do for helping sort out a fever, but whatever it is - I hope you can do it, and that you'll feel better really soon.
Take care,
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 11, 2018, 02:39:56 PM
those changing bodies, raging hormones - geez, they can be a pain.  you'll get thru it eventually, d.r.  we all did.  just be patient - like everything else , it's a process.  wanting both independence and guidance at the same time is natural at that age.  you're not a kid anymore, but you're not an adult either.  you're in that always excruciating place of adolescence.  it wreaks havoc with perspective, perceptions, and just plain ol' day to day getting along, both with yourself and with others.

emotional ups and downs, moods swinging back and forth, bodily changes, arms and legs longer than before, hands and feet bigger than before can cause all kinds of movement malfunctions, bumping into things, tripping on stuff, dropping stuff.  no matter what anyone says, you're not clumsy - just in the midst of adolescent growth.

i have the feeling of family here, too.  it's been wonderful.

sorry you're sick - hope you feel well as quickly as possible.  caring, healing, loving hug to you, d.r. 
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 12, 2018, 11:10:36 AM
Thanks you two.  :hug: I felt terrible. Glad someone was there.

I guess I got a fever because I was too hard on myself lately, more than usual. It's not your fault, but probably not getting a reply two days ago made me flashback to my emotionally neglected childhood. . . and that was . . . horrible.

I'm feeling stronger, but I was stuck resting the whole day. Even walking around a bit can make me feel completely exhausted. I also find that I momentarily believe weird things - such as thinking my dad is a coconut and wondering if I descended from coconuts or if I was an alien who forgot their memories of an interstellar past. I think my fever's making me . . . a little loopy. But I'm tired because energy resources are needed for a battle inside me created by the function of evolution to fight off illness - neat! Oh boy. . . I think there's guerrilla warfare in my chest and Panzer IV tanks at my back.

I've just been binge watching Star Trek : The Next Generation online today. Geez, I always see Americans talking about Netflix. Netflix wasn't even available in this third world country until recently, so I got used to free alternatives. Also, just because my family is loaded on money millionaires and all. . . doesn't mean I have an unlimited allowance, and I've . . . gotten obsessed with saving money. So yay, free alternatives!

Also, fanfiction. Sick day fanfiction. Romantic/comedy/drama sick day fanfiction. Lots of them.

I'm physically weak, but emotionally brighter. I finally get an excuse to just take it easy.

My loopy self had a point there - maybe I can recover with the enthusiasm of believing I could be an alien in the distant interstellar future.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 12, 2018, 02:17:35 PM
i hope you get better soon, d.r.

being sick, i just do whatever it is that appeals to me, whether it's computer games, watching tv, reading, whatever suits my fancy at the moment.   it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.

keep taking care of you.  sometimes it pays to be loopy if it gives us some needed time off.  big healing hug to you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on February 13, 2018, 08:30:27 AM
I too have access to Netflix, or the potential to. But like you, I too have been using free options to watch shows.  It's more economic that way.  ;) There's nothing wrong with saving money, and the fact that your parents are rich, doesn't always means you are.

I am glad that you're feeling emotionally brighter. Hopefully the physical will improve quite quickly too.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 14, 2018, 08:51:00 AM
 :hug: San and Sceal.

My fever's gone. My body no longer seems to be cooking hot inside like the devil's volcano jacuzzi it seems. Heh. Yesterday, I went on one of my joyful researching sprees on Bitcoin and downloaded programs to earn some online. (Does this count as a first job?) — Yeah, I'm still a newbie trying to figure it out though.

But I had a really tough day emotionally. I began to believe that I was important and deversed help. I was filled with an incredible deep love for myself but somehow . . . my critics just bounced back.

I felt deeply guilty for believing something, shocked that someone like me would deserve kindness, skeptical if this was real, depressed enough to cry for 2 hours over my lack of worth and angry at my own powerlessness. Sigh. Sorry for being so weak.

I'm exhausted. I need to just . . . relax today. Don't want to get a fever again for the same reason.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on February 14, 2018, 09:23:15 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Glad to hear your fever has gone, and I hope that you can relax today - as per your hope to do so.  Wishing you a relaxing and nice day and hope you can cope with a very gentle hug today  :hug: from me.  Only if you can tolerate it though, as I really hope you stay well and fever-free.
Take care,
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 14, 2018, 11:33:45 AM
Oh, it's okay to hug today Hope. I appreciate it.  :hug: back.

UPDATE : Watching a Monty Python movie. The jokes are incredibly offensive. I love it! Geez, I can learn a lot from his comedy gig there (in appropriate situations, of course.). Reminds me of those times where I used to do things like buying a teddy bear and made the teddy bear make cheesy pick up lines to strangers or partnered up with a prank buddy to make a fake exorcism in public (entirely unconvincing, but still hilarious). Maybe I could do comedy more alone - I'm too good making friends laugh and not in making myself laugh. Alone and here, while it's good sometimes, I can take things . . . rather seriously.

I feel like a person mentioned in one of Susan Cain's introversion books, where she mentioned a comedian who loved being loud on stage but still preferred spending most of his time quietly reading.

Interesting how new genres teach different things emotionally - like that time I learned how to get thrilled on fear by listening to creepypasta stories - internet horror legends and tales.

Oh well. Let's see what happens.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 14, 2018, 04:15:11 PM
monty python is one of my favorites of all time - have been into them since the 70's.  totally hilarious - i used to do the 'ann elk' skit with a friend of mine.  i was ann elk.  love all their movies - holy grail, i nearly split my sides laughing, my girlfriend nearly choked on her popcorn, literally. 

jay and silent bob affect me the same way - completely inappropriate humor but i love it to bits.  all the kevin smith movies, actually.  absolutely fabulous was another show that was so over the top, and i ate it up.  anything that can make me laugh out loud is aces in my book.

looks like we have some enjoyment of humor in common, d.r.

glad you're feeling better.  warm hug to you.  stay well.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 17, 2018, 12:08:12 PM
 :hug: You have good taste in comedy, San.   :bigwink:

....

I've worked on my conflict dealing skills lately. Probably why I've been gone from my journal for a bit since stepping up in real life emotionally exhausts me to open up in here. Me and my mom have actually been peacefully compromising lately.

I also found that I can persuade people in other areas —like convincing the head teacher to give us students the wifi password. Second, getting groupmates in class to place a controversial argument in our group essay. Third, making some progress on convincing my dad to convince my grandma not to abuse other people in the house.

Huh? I'm actually fairly good at this. I guess reading all those random business negotiation and philosophy books for no practical reason growing up before did something. I even made a joke with a teacher that I could sit on a table by arguing philosophically that the table is a chair.

Why am I good at it? I guess one, I'm pretty good at logical arguments — adults taught little kid me could grow up to be a lawyer. Second, unlike then, I now give off a very nonthreatening vibe to people that makes it easy to trust and agree with me. For some reason no matter how many social mistakes I make, I come off completely well intentioned.

I've turned from bully magnet to nice people magnet. How'd that happen?

Human beings continue to be a mystery — including myself.

Well, I guess I need a break.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 17, 2018, 04:03:42 PM
humans are a mystery, d.r.  even tho they are my field of interest, i don't understand most of the why and how of them.

you made me laugh about my choice of humor.  thanks.  always good for the day.

i'm so glad to hear how your negotiating skills are making it easier for you to live in your home.  well done.

i'm tired now, too.  too much fun yesterday, i'm still feeling the effects.  that also makes it difficult for me to do too much responding/posting here. 

keep up the good work.  i believe learning, as you have done, whether random or otherwise, might always come in handy at some time in our lives.   sending  a warm hug filled with love and continued knowledge.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 18, 2018, 02:57:53 AM
Thanks San for the praise and love.  :hug:

Sorry, but I always feel a little ashamed to be seen in a good light to be honest — I feel suspicious that maybe I'm a fraud who'll be proved wrong someday or if I wasn't, any progress would attract envy or resentment. I'm not as good as doing than I am thinking after all — I'm too much of a coward to apply what I know sometimes.

....
Possible TW***

I woke up from a nightmare. I usually don't mention my nightmares since I don't usually remember them. All I know is that I wake up feeling deeply stressed and scared for some reason.

I was in a ship lying down on a twin sized bed. The bedroom's walls were ripped apart from the side, and the water's waves were rising. I'd hope and beg in my mind that the water wouldn't reach me. I remember some flicker of feeling like I was being haunted by the ghosts of the seas.

I woke up remembering being a child in the bedroom. No one soothed me from the monsters in the dark. I remember feeling everyday like I was a very bad child, and that would mean all the monsters would kill me for making the adults angry.

It's good that it's day where I am. The night wouldn't be a pleasant time to remember.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 18, 2018, 03:18:18 AM
i've often felt like a fraud, too, d.r., that the praise i get will someday turn to ashes because i'll be shown wrong in the worst way.  i have been envied and jealous of, even by someone who was once a dear friend.  also by my sister.  those, i can rationally see now, are because of their own issues.

my hub has had the same reaction from his best friend.  he and i used to talk about how uncomfortable it was to be envied by these people, even for things such as our personalities, how we got along with people, how we'd attract people, how we had something they didn't have.

what they did have was bitterness in their hearts, unhappiness with themselves and their lives, and a hatred of some sort inside.  it didn't leave much room for being happy for others who were happy or enjoying their lives.  very sad, indeed.  needless to say, i've eliminated these people from my life.  my best friend - we'd been friends for 20 years.  i couldn't stand her attitude toward me anymore. 

sorry about the nightmare.  there seems to be several i've read of here.  they are not pleasant in the least.

you, d.r., in my eyes, anyway, are making a lot of progress.  you're not as good at doing cuz you haven't had a lot of practice yet.  you also haven't had role models (no adults comforted you when you were afraid), so you're learning of such things was stunted.  i still struggle with that with my own daughter at times.  less now than before.

earth mother spirit spreads her voluminous skirts to gather you in and keep you safe from those monsters.  loving embrace coming your way.







Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 19, 2018, 02:11:42 PM
Hey San, don't know how to respond to that now. I just feel . . . wordless.

What's wrong at this very moment?
1. I'm afraid of the mundane, of losing curiosity more than any other positive emotion.
2. I feel awkward in this body where I can't shift genders according to my mood.
3. Recovering feels like I'm losing an essential part of myself. I thought recovery was a good thing, but slowly losing insecurities lead to a deep confusion in my life.
4. Turning 17 on April. Growing up is too fast.
5. I just feel . . . empty for some reason. Like something is missing or my emotions are dulled somehow.
6. I don't agree with the feeling, but I want to fit in but even if I can adapt to some interests, so many of my more unpopular interests - the ones I often like the most - has too many people I can't share it with.
7.  I dislike that my senses are too sensitive sometimes.
8. Life is . . . I have no idea. That's the point.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on February 19, 2018, 04:57:07 PM
  :hug:

I haven't read your previous post, I'm sorry for that. I'll try and check in on it later.

But I wanted to address something in your last post. You want to fit in, and at the same time doesn't agree with the feeling.
Oh, man how I relate! People liking stuff just because other people liked it and it was popular bothered me to no end, in my teens. And it still sort of does.(I no longer have a problem with liking something that's popular, as long as I/you like it because of a reason and not because others like it - if that makes sense?). I had, and still do I suppose, have interests that lie outside what everyone else seem to have.
But to fit in, that is something human. It's part of evolution, and it's part of our psychological makeup. Evolution because if we stood out or wandered apart from the pack/became an outcast we had a much higher chance of NOT surviving. Psychological makeup, because we need others. For their support, for their love, for their approval, but just as much to give all that in return.
I suspect that you will find the group where you do fit in, where you don't have to make adjustments to who you are to please them. It might be something unexpected, and something you weren't counting on. But you will find it. Because, even if your curiosity is fading, it's still there.

Emotions, like most things in life, is apparently something we have to work for. Sometimes they come to us unexpected and (definitively) unwanted. But they all have a purpose, they are all there to protect us and signal us about danger from somewhere. We just have to locate the danger and eliminate it. Easier said than done, I know. (I'm picturing anime characters in my head now, being all awesome and powerful at eliminating stuff, and yet wonderfully awkward at the same time).

You are strong though. You have an extra burden to carry with you for the next  few years, and it's the hormonal changes in your body. I remember I hated to admit I was in puberty, and what effect it did have on me. But it is an extra challenge to go through trauma recovery, and finding your way in that tumultous time of life. I hope you can recognize that, and allow yourself some breathing room.

The only thing that is constant in life, is that everything changes all the time.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on February 20, 2018, 03:16:22 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Just wanted you to know I answered your question about the book by Janina Fisher - so do have a look - I know I sometimes miss replies to my queries or posts, and I didn't want you to miss it.   :)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 21, 2018, 12:53:03 PM
Thank you, Sceal. When I felt stressed today, I repeated your words in my head and calmed down.  :hug:  You're a great person.

Hope, I saw it. Thanks for that too. :)

Well, I feel like I'm out of words these days on posting on this forum. I guess it's because there are some good things happening in my life, and for some reason, I'm ashamed to share them. I feel like I'm bragging, wasting people's time with something unimportant or being arrogant. There always seem to be this part of me that gets guilty whenever I accomplish or gain something good. Even some kind of survivor's guilt when many other lives are much worse than mine. Other times I just feel like I'm lying to myself or that I don't really deserve much attention.

Logically, I know I need it. I didn't grow up with enough encouragement and it helps me to boost my confidence when someone else does so. But sigh, sometimes I just feel too sensitive and dependent on people here. Intellectually, I feel way beyond my peers. Emotionally, I just feel embarrassed and self conscious that I worry about things like fitting in or the responsibility that comes with growing up. Knowledge calms me down, and experience adds to knowledge. Seeing myself having less experience than well, majority of people being older on this forum, is . . . awkward. I feel immature. . . and vulnerable. Very vulnerable.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on February 21, 2018, 02:49:23 PM
 :hug: I am so happy that I could help you, Rocket. :)

I too feel similar to what you wrote, about when there are good things  happening. It feels wrong to "rub it in" when there are people who are currently struggling here. But think of it like this, Rocket (that's how I try to anyway);
The people here really want you to have progress, and will cheer you on.
Positive emotions and events fosters more positive emotions and events. And by sharing your experience, you can bring hope to someone who's struggling with similar stuff that you're going through. Or by sharing your point of view, it might help others explore point of views that is helpful to them.
And even when something good is happening we all still need a sense of belonging, comfort, safety, and reassurance.
I currently find my newfound progression very fragile, and I do need to write down and share my observations, fears, worries, and excitement.

You are young yes, but in that you have a resource. The older we get, the more rigid we become in our thinking. More locked into our ways. You bring alot of various points of view that are very interessting. And your experience is just as valid and important as those of us who has lived longer.

For the most of my life I've always had older friends, and it's given me a different viewpoint than those of my peers. And now I'm suddenly at the point where alot of my new aquintances are younger than me. It's a weird experience, but valuable.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 21, 2018, 03:44:07 PM
i echo what sceal said, d.r.  your accomplishments are worthy of praise, as are all of ours.  we didn't get a lot of it along the way, and we all know what that feels like.  but the people here are very generous, i've found, and enjoy giving gifts to others here, such as praise, encouragement, love, hugs, validation, and acceptance, to name a few.

you are valued here, d.r., for who you are, period.  that you have accomplished something positive is a worthwhile addition to your life and this community, to my mind.  share it, keep it, whatever feels best to you.  i'm very happy that something wonderful has happened to you or because of you.  you deserve it.  warm loving hug to you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on February 21, 2018, 08:25:25 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I just want to say that I hadn't realised how young you are - I think I saw you mention your age, and I had assumed from things you write and how your express yourself that you were older - more 'mature' - so I wanted to say that to you - because I saw you write that you feel 'immature' - you express such a wealth of really amazing  things - I think so - and I hope you recognise that whilst you may be young in years, you're perceived by me as a person with a lot of wisdom.
I hope you don't mind my saying that.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 22, 2018, 06:13:56 AM
Thank you all.  :grouphug: Too stressed to respond well, but you comforted me deeply.

I have to tell you guys a secret I've been hiding even before OOTS. I'm too frustrated to hide it anymore.

I remember after reading something, I placed my finger next to different parts of my body and kept circling a finger with a speed according to the subtle pressure I felt in the air.

I noticed that when I moved my hand to my body, it trembled slightly more than if I moved it outwards — as if some kind of energy was there. As I explored this, I noticed parts of my body were the subtle pressure was lacking, and I would place my hands on it to visualize a white light entering it.

Whenever I did this, my body would shake and after, the tension, emotions and memories from that area would release. It would make me ache badly for a bit, but it would later bring relief.

Later on, I noticed doing this to different parts of the body healed emotions in different areas of life. Thinking I was crazy for trying to do so, I studied the chakras — energies in specific parts in the body — and noticed that its particular healing effects was consistent with each area before I knew about it. Reiki worked.

In a site called Actualized.org, Leo explains a critique about skepticism in science — that the problem is that most skeptics only think and research their way to their skepticism, not experiment first hand too. I tried it myself to find new ways to heal, and he . . . was right.

I researched symptoms of insanity, and I didn't fit it. I've learned over 50 cognitive biases — common logical prejudices and possible explanations— and my experiments on this didn't fit any of these biases or possibilites. I've retested it with different variables, and it still points to it working.

Even now as I explored these areas further, I still doubt myself. Even if I didn't admit it, I wanted some kind of all knowing guide to tell me the answers in life, but even the status quo of science can't be fully trusted.

I hesitate to speak about the details of other experiments. Some seemed false, some seemed true and for most, I don't know. You might call me crazy. . . but I'm thinking maybe the supernatural exists.




Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: LearnToLoveTheRide on February 22, 2018, 07:05:44 AM
The supernatural does exist...it is the natural that we have not explained yet. Over the millennia we have gained and lost much knowledge about the natural. It is by the impetus of people's desire to understand the world that we discover and understand nature.

It takes an attitude of open-mindedness and an engagement in direct experimentation to further our understanding of nature.

As you've witnessed, the rewards are self-evident. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us.

LTLTR
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 23, 2018, 11:45:28 PM
Thanks LTLTR. I don't know you well, yet you've done something great for me. :)

No other replies, huh? I guess people think I'm crazy after all. I'm getting used to it though — believing things barely anyone else does. Not just about the above — but in every area of my life. I can disagree gently at home, school, online and in public even if no one else believes so, and I still have people who accept me.

Usually I get emotional if there aren't enough replies, but I don't seem to mind anymore. I know what I've seen, and I know it's one of the main reasons why even at this age, insights come so easily.

I remember reading 1984 about a dystopian future back when I was 15. Near the end, the main character gets tortured to believe what the government says. Even ideas like 1 + 2 = 4 or even they can make history "change" by making everyone believe a new past.

I realized they were able to do this not just because they changed his ideas of what was true, but the foundations of what makes something true. His definition of reality — of objective truth. I wanted to find a good way to test these ideas, and I've found a potential gap in the research.

It may not be all supernatural causes and be entirely unknown conventional ones. When a child says fairies made the computer, it doesn't mean the computer doesn't work.

Like how meditation used to be seen as "too new agey", but is now backed by brain scans and hundreds of scientific experiments. The traditional and secular viewpoints can disagree on its nature, but they do agree that it works.

I have no idea. I can be wrong.

Oh well. I don't mind being "crazy" anymore — To me, I'm not crazy enough.

Why am I willing to do all this?

My motivation hasn't changed at all.

I'm just curious.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: ah on February 24, 2018, 12:37:48 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on February 23, 2018, 11:45:28 PM

No other replies, huh? I guess people think I'm crazy after all.


Ow Rocket, how could I think you're crazy?
That's never crossed my mind. You're like my little sister. So if you're crazy then so am I. Erm.  :whistling:
Everyone here is in pain, and it can sometimes take time before people can read and respond.
It isn't because you're not good enough, you're so much more than good enough. I think it's because we're all human, flawed and aching and struggling together.

I'm reading 1984 again now and I'm stunned at how good it is, so much better than I remembered. That part at the end always left me wondering too.
This may be a bit philosophical, so my apologies for nerdiness:

I've just read in a buddhist book the following argument: "Appearances are indeterminate." meaning, I guess, that objective things can be interpreted differently by different people, and even by the same person at different times.
They give the example of an apple, if I remember correctly? How for me it looks like a snack, but for an ant it's probably a mountain to be crossed. Both interpretations are valid, there's no "appleness" that has to be the same for everybody.

I find that thought very interesting too. It explains to me how meditation helps you and me. There's the objective object and then there's how we see it, and we can tweak the way we see it.
Tweak your relationships with others in a negative sense, insert too much self doubt and stress and fear into your sense of self and you may get cptsd.
In a way, I think cptsd does make us believe a different past. It warps our memories, changes the way we see ourselves and others so deeply because we're wounded. My swiss cheese memory is a change in how I see the past.
Maybe the foundations of what makes something true always have a subjective part to them. But this is a notorious gap where modern science has a hard time figuring out these things. It's traditionally got a hard time with subjectivity, it instantly tends to recoil and say "That's not truth!"
It's very interesting reading recent research about it.

Also, I have no doubt the tweaking goes both ways. Tweak cptsd in a positive sense, try to help the nervous system learn to calm itself down and bear the stress that caused it, and you may be able to make cptsd symptoms a bit lighter. I hope.
And the same goes for daily experiences. Analyze them deeply, look at them differently and they change as a result, right?

I guess we can call it supernatural, but personally, when I think of it, I think of it as "natural". There's so much I don't know / understand, the things I'm confused about are just as natural as the ones I understand. I don't understand how meditation helps me, but it does beyond doubt, much better than meds or anything else I've tried. So I'm with you.

Also, thinking of these things always ends up leading me to a lonely spot, where I can't share my thoughts with people. It's not craziness, it's... well, I think it's an important part of being a human being with a big brain, with a prefrontal cortex.
Our ability to think about truth is just as natural and just as important and true  ??? as any other.

Keep researching it. Learning what others have figured out, and also experimenting on your own. It's far too interesting not to. Or so it seems to me.

:yourock:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 24, 2018, 03:14:03 PM
you know i think you're a sweetheart, quite the opposite of a monster or a crazy.  as with monsters, crazy people don't seriously wonder if they are.

can't write much - sick and no energy.  i'm still with you, even if i'm not writing.  don't ever forget that.  love and a hug.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 25, 2018, 11:56:27 AM
Thanks you two,  :hug:

San, thanks for being there for me. I've been moved today to more than a few tears at that simple effort. I hope you can gain some strength and rest these days.

Ah, no need to apologise for being nerdy. I'm pretty nerdy one too.  :bigwink:

Haha. I think you might want to try checking out Actualized.org. Lots of personal development taught thought through a very philosophical angle. Meditation has been popularized to be simpler and to be "relaxing", but the earliest use of it is to find insight by removing language which is . . .as intensely hard as it sounds.

This is an oversimplification, but words are what create subjective experience and by removing its use temporarily, you get to understand the world objectively. To know in language means you have to first admit you don't know by removing the logical and emotional assumptions that language gives. That's why beginner's meditation emphasizes focusing on the breath or the body - where you train your mind to slowly let go of language and focus on just observing what's there.

i thought it was irrational when my thoughts say something else and my feelings say something else. Turns out that as I practice, I discovered thoughts and feelings are two sides of the same coin. What were causing many of these feelings of pain were hidden thoughts, assumptions I hadn't even put to words to know they exist.

They were not in words. They were in language.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on February 25, 2018, 01:17:41 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on February 23, 2018, 11:45:28 PM
No other replies, huh? I guess people think I'm crazy after all.

I don't think you're crazy. I'm just having a super difficult weekend myself. I wasn't in a good place all week either though for different reasons.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on February 25, 2018, 01:58:50 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I don't think you're crazy either, I think you have an enquiring mind, and you're interested in all aspects of life - being curious about the world and the things within it, that's fantastic in my view.

I noticed that dream you'd had - I won't repeat the contents as I don't want to trigger you - but I related to that - the feeling 'alone' as a young child - I'm beginning to try to look out for the younger 'me's - the wounded parts of me - and give them a hug when they need it, and maybe that might also help you.  I don't know.

But if it's ok, I want to extend a warm hug  :hug: and let you know that you're a great person.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 26, 2018, 12:42:24 PM
Geez, you don't know how much I cried today. I was deeply ashamed of asking for help here to the point of deep hour long sobs, but eventually what you guys said calmed me down. I never really had much of a role model for self compassion.  :hug:

I can't speak the language of my own country.

Aside from English, there's another main language where I am and that I struggle with.

You see where I live - most people are wrecked in poverty, and the supply of people who are educated and well funded enough to write books here are lacking. Most books here are shipped from other countries in English. I bet I spent more time growing up reading this language in paper and online than interacting with people around here. My emotional distance from people created from emotional neglect didn't exactly help with that. have Even my accent sounds more American than native.

Most people who can afford a high school education here (not exactly . . . everyone) can speak both languages, sometimes better in English than the other so I cancommunicate with people. But even they're much more fluent in that language better than me. In a way, there's a language divide between the rich and the poor here, where English is used in most high quality textbooks, presidential election speeches and all kinds of crazy important things.

I don't know. I just don't want to just keep talking to the rich here, you know?

My parents made better millionaire philanthropists than parents. They spent so much time on it they didn't even bother to learn enough about how to parent their kid well, or well, spend enough time with the person. I wonder if I can ask advice on how to use what power this status gives responsibly. Maybe from one of the most powerful billionaire philanthropists in this country - who seems like a much more relaxed and wiser guy than my parents . . . my grandpa.

Not soon though. I still need to finish reading some books in my second language after all and most importantly, time to recover. . .





Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on February 26, 2018, 01:15:19 PM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 26, 2018, 02:46:17 PM
d.r., sometimes i think your inquiring mind can give you too much to think about, to your detriment.  i'm not putting it or you down, i think you have a wonderful mind and i admire your curiosity and determination to learn.  i just wonder if you ever get any rest from it.  or, maybe that's not possible, i don't know.

language can be so important to a culture or an individual.  here in the states, the kids from indigenous tribes, when overrun by the european settlers, were often beaten if they used their native language in school.  the importance of language to their culture was thoroughly recognized, by both cultures, and the tribal elders have made a comeback in keeping their language vital and viable to all their people now.

it sounds like you are making a project for yourself to learn your own indigenous language, and i give you a lot of credit for that.   the idea that you don't just want to talk to the 'rich' people shows what a very special individual you are.

when i went to mexico, i already knew a smattering of spanish.  what i didn't know was that the spansih i'd learned in books was not the same language that the mexican people speak from day to day.  it was similar, but mexican spanish is very different from spain's spanish.  it was like i had to learn another language again.

interesting what you said about emotions not being in words (if i read it correctly) but in language.  there are so many different languages of the mind, body, soul and spirit of an individual, but they are often felt rather than spoken.  you're just getting into this whole 'feeling' thing, and i know it can be overwhelming for you at times. 

i love your determination to learn, to know, to express, to feel, to understand, to explore, etc. etc.  you have a wealth of knowledge, and you're just beginning to put that knowledge into play in your everyday life.  how does this fit there, why am i feeling such and such, how can i use this, that, and the other to make my life as beneficial as possible on as many levels as possible.

time to recover may be one of our most precious assets.  use it wisely, sweetie.  you so deserve it.  and i think it would be really cool to eventually sit down with your grandfather, get some practical information from him.  he may be very different with you than he was with your parent, which might not be a bad thing.   i would suggest that you be aware of 'shoulds' from him, something your parents might have gotten from their parents.  pressure to succeed financially.

sending a warm, loving hug filled with rest, and maybe a little fun on the side.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on February 26, 2018, 04:38:18 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on February 25, 2018, 01:17:41 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on February 23, 2018, 11:45:28 PM
No other replies, huh? I guess people think I'm crazy after all.

I don't think you're crazy. I'm just having a super difficult weekend myself. I wasn't in a good place all week either though for different reasons.

D.R., this was maybe not the most caring of ways to write what I meant.

Let's try it again: the fact that people may not answer has nothing to do with your value as a person, nor does it speak to your sanity (or insanity). It might just be where they are rn.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on February 27, 2018, 06:29:13 AM
I just want to let you know that I am reading and listening.
I'm just a little used up brain-wise right now so I find myself unable to write something smart or clever in replies to you.

But I'm listening.
:hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 27, 2018, 01:13:32 PM
Blue, San and Sceal,  :hug: . Still here to support me even with all my crazy ideas, huh? I warn you, I've experienced a few experiments even crazier than that. Let's just say that if what happened was real, trying these aren't as dangerous and hard to do as the movies make them. But that's a story for another day.

I'm ashamed and want to apologize for asking help from you all, but I guess I'll accept your kindness for now.   :whistling:

San I do rest and have fun messing around - I didn't come up and sing a rock version to a friend of a lullaby called "You are my sunshine" for nothing today. It's just much of my way of downtime is through thinking and reflecting. Sure, thinking can be tough sometimes, but my emotions tend to get aloooootttt more unstable without thinking. When it's too much, I just look for something familiar to turn my brain off doing and stim.

Aspies usually have some kind of special interest/s they're narrowly obsessed with. My case with this symptom is a lot milder ,seeing how many hobbies I've tried, but even after periods of novelty, I always need to fall back on some main interests I have or face some kind of meltdown. Aspies usually have some problem with executive functioning, and I seem to have a particular problem with switching attention. If you guess, one of the main interests involve planning how to change the world for the better (or at least as many people as possible).

It has its pros and cons. On one hand maintaining things like real life conversations can be incredibly difficult (they keep switching topics. . .) and on another I'm obsessed with certain ideas to the point of being incredibly determined to get better in it.

Thinking of things like these is my rest. It's the only thing I can comfortably singlemindedly focus on that's challenging enough to do my whole life. So much else in the world is directionless, unfocused and confusing. . . like my emotions, people or what practical action can create.

It's like that old myth about sharks. I have to keep swimming and swimming, or I'll drown deep under the ocean never to rise again.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 27, 2018, 04:24:25 PM
got it, d.r.  i've not been too familiar with the workings of aspies, so i'm learning from you, and i appreciate your explanations.

it'll take a lot more than what you've shown to scare me off.  i'm warning the warning!  (supposed to be a gentle joke).

your rock rendition sounds like a hoot.  sorry i missed it.

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  warm loving hug to you.   and thanks for that acceptance.  you've got nothing to be ashamed of - we all need help sometimes.  it's cuz we're human.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on February 28, 2018, 12:01:07 PM
Aspies are just as diverse, simple, complex and wonderful as the rest of us. I sometimes admire the aspies who manage to keep such a focus on one thing. To have such a passion for this one thing, that to me would have been wonderful.
I have met a lot of aspies, and they always amazed me. Their honesty and lack of (or less ) mind games is so refreshing. Makes me feel safe, even if I don't always like what I am told. But then I have a choice to either react or to think about it. If it's not right, then let them know without n excess amount of emotions involved. Or atleast explain why it makes me emotional.
I find it is good practice to understand my own reactions.

Sorry, that wasn't really going anywhere in particular. I just wanted to let you know that.

Also for asking for help.
I think that shows both humility and strength. We do need each other, we are a social species. We're not cats :)  We can't handle everything on our own and recognizing that is powerful.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on March 02, 2018, 07:23:32 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
You mentioned about keeping "swimming and swimming" and I hope that sometimes you'll maybe latch onto a dolphin for a ride, and not feel you're swimming alone - we're alongside you.   :grouphug:  I'm not great at swimming though - so hope I can have some kind of aided motor to help me keep up with you.   :)

I have no idea why I've just written that - but now it's there, I will leave it.  Hope you will view it is my way of trying to be supportive - and I hope you're ok.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 03, 2018, 11:06:56 AM
San,  :hug: Well, my rock rendition wasn't that especially prepared. Sometimes I just improvise music to sing or hum to on the spot. But thanks for the acceptance, :) .

Sceal,  :hug: . Thanks for that. Lots of people focus only on the weaknesses of this condition rather than the strengths as well. To be honest, I don't really notice people's mind games that much. Most of the time I only notice when they're direct. Oh well. Less time being aware of other's ideas though means I have more time to form my own independent ideas.

Hope,  :hug: . You can stick around for the ride with me anytime.  :bigwink: If you can't be a dolphin, then you can hang around a submarine. Then maybe I can go look around for lost treasure with Bayesian search theory and talking dolphins from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I've been gone for a few days from OOTS. Being less sensitive to noise means I can stick around group discussions more, both casual and academic ones. I just needed time to myself then after being exhausted from what I've learned. From experience, I can eventually adapt to new social situations . . . it just takes. . .longer than others.

Even with time off from casual conversations, there's a lot of academic group works at this time of the year here. And . . . I'm exhausted. Can't really hang around here as much as before.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 03, 2018, 11:07:56 AM
To be honest, I'm worried about school. Yes, yes, maybe that sounds petty. Some people growing up gave me the message saying, "Other less smart kids need it more" or "Because you're smart but too lazy". Maybe I'm just deluding myself with these worries and interpreting it all wrong. Who knows?

Most classes I do well in, but the few classes I don't are also the ones that require more handwriting and my fine motor skills are kinda . . . delayed. Sometimes I can't answer practice sheets because I have trouble writing letters and lose finger stamina more easily. Less often, but sometimes sounding out words with my voice muscles get overly confusing. It has to do with sensory processing disorder and I go to therapy for that.

These also tend to be the most difficult classes. The last time with these about 70-90% of people failed and I barely passed. But I'm still worried. I'm afraid of not just the educational implications, but in life too. To be temporarily robbed of a voice, orally or verbally. . . is a deep validation of my own fears.

A deep reminder of those times in my home where I was being emotionally abused. . . and I couldn't speak or write.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on March 03, 2018, 02:27:26 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on March 03, 2018, 11:07:56 AM
To be temporarily robbed of a voice, orally or verbally. . . is a deep validation of my own fears.

A deep reminder of those times in my home where I was being emotionally abused. . . and I couldn't speak or write.

Sounds excruciating DR. No voice can mean no way to defend yourself in certain situations where physical defense would be way inappropriate.

I can really relate to feeling worried about the future because of health concerns, like lack of stamina.

I'm sorry what people said about you. They don't even bear quoting and were statements based on ignorance at best. If today is an OK day for hugs then  :hug:, if not then standing with you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 03, 2018, 05:42:29 PM
d.r., it's terrible to be worried about the future like that, especially about not having a voice.  you have such a beautiful voice and heart as well. 

as far as i'm concerned, education is for everyone.  there's more than one education - not just the one from books.  experience, exploration, discovery, travel, language and any new thing we are involved in are all educating on different levels.  i think they're all important.  some come with age, with time, with learning and we collect all the information and translate it to ourselves and how we fit in life.  that's a lot of education right there.

i understand you have some struggles and challenges, but it seems to me that you keep at it, keep wanting to persevere and move through them.  i give you all kinds of credit for that.  those messages that go against your instincts are not in your best interest and they don't belong to you.  follow your heart, d.r. - you'll never go wrong there.

sending a hug full of hope, faith, and love to you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on March 03, 2018, 07:52:40 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 04, 2018, 11:00:07 AM
Hugs for all.  :grouphug:

Sceal,  :hug:

Blue, thanks for sticking around. Problems with health can make all kinds of things complicated. Hope you'll gain some strength with your worries too.

San, your affirmations over time have been slowly building my self worth. :) Follow my heart? I can follow my own head just fine. My heart? Well, my heart tells me to wallow in self pity and believe people's judgemental conclusions of myself. My heart still needs to be guided by others' wiser hearts.
....

I only saw love when people show it directly, but there are all kinds of ways people show it indirectly, huh? Even if people can't show much, the hidden efforts behind it still matters. More people here and real life care about me than I thought. I was just too socially unaware to notice.

I have people who are warm to me, but when it's hard to read body language, I get suspicious. But well, it's impossible to read body language on this forum and I can trust people here. If they continue to be warm, and that they're willing to show kindness through direct words and actions over and over even in weakness, then maybe I can trust that.

Not everyone likes me, but what good things have people who know me well say to me again? Smart, deeply kind and adorkable. Hey I'm not cute. I told them I was the dark lord incarnated. 'So you're Darth Vader." "Nooo, that's my cousin. I'm the Dark Lord. Get it right." The results say that my intimidation strategies are . . . still in progress.

Even if I can't find people who are as curious as me, I can find many different people who are are or more curious than me in specific subjects. I can learn a lot from them. Experience can beat natural smarts anytime after all.  :bigwink:

"How do you dance?" "Well, what do you think of when you think of Patrick Star?" I flap my arms like I'm making a star in the air. "When I think of Squidward, I do this." He makes a movement with his hands like playing a clarinet. I pause, and then I make movements like I'm conducting. "Yes, you get it!

I asked many questions from different people. How did you choose a drawing style? Who's Freddie Mercury? Why do you keep making communism jokes? Can you tell me about that nature documentary on seagulls you saw? Who are those hot Korean guys in your bag design? How'd you improvise music lyrics? What's this Black Panther movie people keep talking about?

Haha. Eh,  no wonder I needed a 5 day break alone recently from people in real life and a 3 day break from here.  :whistling:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on March 06, 2018, 07:01:07 AM
I too require breaks from both social life, my flat mate and the internet sometimes. Technically more often than I can allow myself.
I am glad you took a break, we all need them from time to time to refocus, to relax, to not get too overwhelemd.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on March 06, 2018, 09:25:53 AM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on March 04, 2018, 11:00:07 AM
More people here and real life care about me than I thought. I was just too socially unaware to notice.

I have people who are warm to me, but when it's hard to read body language, I get suspicious. But well, it's impossible to read body language on this forum and I can trust people here. If they continue to be warm, and that they're willing to show kindness through direct words and actions over and over even in weakness, then maybe I can trust that.
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I am glad that you feel this way, and I agree that it's harder to know what people's thoughts and intentions are - both in real life and in online interactions too - but I've not come across any negativity here - and I also find that I am less triggered here - than I can be in 'real life situations'.

Just wanted to say that I would like to join in the group hug, and celebrate the fact that you're here and in this forum.   :grouphug:

I also totally agree with what Sceal said, that it's good to 'take a break' from any situation - when it's needed/required - it's good to refocus, to relax and not get too over-whelmed.  That is great to do.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 06, 2018, 11:53:37 AM
For Sceal and Hope,  :hug:.

Yes, rest eases the tiredness. Either I'm playful and excitable about learning new things with other people or I'm calmly pondering and writing my own thoughts on things in solitude. Not much in between really. Heh. . . extroverted me was fun to be in while it lasted though but I like to stay quiet most of the time.
....

I swam today for P.E class. A friend, J, taught me all the way through it. Turns out I could only swim backwards and it was downright hilarious to both of us. As we talked, she took one of the swim toys that looked like what people used to lift weights with but uses a material to help people float in water. She moved the "weights" to pile on one side and rowed it, saying she was kayaking without a boat.

That flashed an idea. What if I get two of those floaters and use it to row my way to swim forward? She laughed and gave me another. I held on and rowed it to the sides and I was swimming forward. I was swimming! HOLY **** I'M AWESOME! With this, I realized that the problem was that my hands relied too much on a floater, but I swam better when my hands were paddling by themselves.

I guess problems could be solved in novel ways after all, huh?

Here's another what if. What if my indecisiveness and lack of confidence was not a cause of not just having enough knowledge or ease with ambiguity, but a lack of reliance on instinct? Reminds me when a book gave an example of an Aspie I read that understood people like a mechanical system, finding out specific "rules" consciously, and well. . . I do that. Not just in my social life too. So what if I reverse that assumption and enhance my own intuition?

Michael Michalko, a creative expert who helped find solutions in political, business, social and military scenarios wrote a book called ThinkerToys that had creative techniques on intuition. I even tried those methods from New Age groups to see if it works and unexpectedly they do incredibly well. Many creative visualizations for intuition there seem oddly similar to the ones Michalko collected, and even innovates upon it. Different interpretations of why these work with how reality is defined, but still works either way.

I'm more confident to act, my thinking is more flexible and I understand people better.

Sometimes I say this to myself. Don't measure life's progress by speed, the distance over time. Velocity, speed with a direction to follow is healing. Now I might want to measure acceleration, how the velocity of my progress changes over time, so I won't just see what's happening. I'll see what has been happening in the far past so I can take a better look into the future.

In my calculations, life is getting better.

And they say physics doesn't teach you anything useful about life.  :bigwink:


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 06, 2018, 04:08:03 PM
who says that?  is there anything we can learn that can't help us in real life?  somehow, at some point?

your heart, d.r., has been shown on this forum to be full of kindness and caring, and the longer you've been here, the more evident that's become.  i remember when you had problems with any words that pertained to emotions, either reading or writing them.  now i see you sending love, care, compassion and all kinds of heartfelt wishes to others, and you are able to receive the same as well.

that's you heart opening up to the beauty inside it, as well as to the beauty you can now see in others.  you've come a long way in a short period of time, sweetie (by the by, you are adorable - that's a word i'm able to use for people of all types and ages, not just for looks, but for their essence of being).  i believe those neg. messages that you say reside in your heart may have been put there by others pertaining to your self-worth.

the more you practice your heartfelt emotions and beliefs to others, like you've shown here, the less room there will be for negativity.  your heart will swell with goodness and love and push the crapola out.  give it time, d.r.  you'll get there.  you've got a good heart, and i have faith in the progress you've made that you'll soon be able to trust that soon.

i love your questions.  it's true that we can always learn from someone else because everyone has a personal perspective.  therefore, our learning is only hindered by our own reluctance to ask the questions.  by the by, freddie mercury and queen is one of my all-time feel-good rock bands.  i can't help but smile and dance when i hear him sing.

sending a hug filled with love, warmth, beauty, and trust.  you're doing great.  really.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 07, 2018, 11:38:04 AM
Hi, San. :) Thanks for seeing the good in me. I don't see it in myself enough.

I can't say much about what happened today. I'm too ashamed to say it. Let's just say I had another fitful of sobs over feeling unworthy of kindness and it felt like the pain was shredding out of me. San, you were right that love would eventually push out the negative messages, but damn does it hurt. I feel more at ease and self compassionate to myself in general today, but at the end of it I'm left emotionally exhausted.

Sigh. I can understand logically what's good about me, but I can't feel it now. It just feels like there's something inherently wrong with me. I am nothing. I've done nothing. I hope nothing.

I remember the first time I ever opened up to someone with vulnerability since early childhood, the most vague sentences I told them would create the deepest suspicion of what they thought of me. And that they were judging and finding disgusting every word I said. Just placing the smallest amount of words online was enough to send me to deep sobs and panic attacks for a whole day.

Sigh. I'm just being pathetic, weak and horrible. I won't accomplish anything and I'll die alone in regret someday.



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 07, 2018, 10:22:37 PM
I'm alright emotionally now. Physically. . . well, let's just say I need to stay home in bed today.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 08, 2018, 02:03:50 AM
do what you need to take care of yourself, d.r.  i know this stuff can be draining.  i can't figure it out myself.  i felt pretty miserable all day yesterday, then, last nite, just watching tv, i could feel the 'miserable' simply leave and i felt much better.  don't know what i did, don't know that i did anything at all.  it just went away.

i know you're not pathetic, i know you're a good person.  i give you so much credit for being here, posting, sharing, being vulnerable - this stuff takes time, patience, and practice.  you'll get there.  i have no doubt about that.  sending a hug filled with love, caring, and lots of compassion.  we're all in the same boat here.  we'll get thru it together.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 09, 2018, 11:18:35 AM
Thanks, San.  :hug:

I don't always feel gratitude when you're here since my emotions get numbed sometimes, but eventually I do.

In System Thinking textbooks, to analyze a problem well, they tell you to look for feedback loops. Cycles. There are a few cycles in my life that worry me.

Whenever I improve in some way, there's this reinforcing loop that tells me that because I've improved, I don't deserve help anymore. I often have to assure myself each step in the way that my problems are really difficult but what's a more long term solution? I need to be assured of my value as a person, not just when I'm having the worst of times.

I'm also a bit self conscious about stereotypes of the rich being err. . . spoiled brats. I don't think I've done a single house chore once in my entire life.

Whenever I open up to people more, I get suspicious of them. I have to assure myself about each person one by one, but is there a more general way I can think about people? Maybe a way to tell if people are worthy of suspicion or not to be less cautious about everyone.

Whenever I gain confidence, I feel responsible for people's possible envy. I have to calm down each time I think this, but is there a more long term cause of an unhealthy perception of feeling proud that I can work with?

Eh. Emotions are full of patterns, huh? Systems Thinking is usually used for scientific research, business analysis, political problem solving and all those big intimidating field. I've left the project due to how stressful life is but I'm still wondering if I can invent exercises in Systems Thinking that can be used for personal development like this.

Oh well. Let's see what happens.






Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 09, 2018, 02:42:31 PM
improvement is not necessarily an end goal, is it?  it's a goal along the way of progress, but i don't think that simply because we improve on or with something that that's all there is to it and we're done.  i don't know that i will ever stop improving - therefore, there is always something i can still be helped with.

to me, it's like learning.  just cuz i learn something doesn't mean that i now know everything and there's nothing left to learn.  everything changes, including us.  there are always more things to learn simply cuz we are not the same people today as we were yesterday. 

therefore, i see us as new in some ways every day, which means that we may need help again - either for something the same, similar, or different.  improvement has no end point in itself.  even the greatest minds kept learning, which was a way of helping themselves continue improving.    does that make sense?

so, deserving help, well, that's a given, to my mind, at least.  if we exist and we're in distress or looking to improve further, we deserve help. 

as far as being a spoiled brat, you don't come off that way here.  if you want to improve your knowledge about chores, go do some.  wash some dishes, clean a toilet, dust some shelves.   my mother sent me out into the world without teaching me much about survival on my own, and it came back to bite me in the butt.  she'd say 'you'll learn how to do that when you're married.' (no one could clean her house good enough, for one thing).

i had my daughters washing and taking care of their clothes from the time they were 13.  i thought it was something they'd need to know later in life.  same with cleaning their rooms.  those kinds of chores allow us to be more ready for the reality of being adults, no matter how much money you might have.  it also gives you an appreciation for what other people do to make a living.    however menial a task may be, there is dignity in doing it well. 

people's feelings, including envy, are there own.  yes, you can encourage emotions in others by pushing buttons, rubbing what you have in the face of others less fortunate, etc.  i've been envied, not for the money i have (cuz i've never had any) nor for possessions or other material things, but for my personality.   

people envied me my way of interacting with others and my free spirit, which screamed self-confidence.  i couldn't help that.  it was their insecurities and their own issues that caused the envy, not anything i had or did.  i lived my life my own way, and a lot of people were envious that they couldn't do that for themselves.  not my fault, not my responsibility.

i don't mean to sound cold about it, but i lived with some of that from friends for decades, and it wasn't pleasant.  i finally had to leave them behind - it was too wearing to feel that from them nearly all the time.  plus, they ended up not being very supportive when i had problems cuz they thought i already had more than my fair share of something they wanted, so they didn't feel very compassionate toward me. 

keep going, keep improving, keep getting more confident - you deserve all of it.  warm loving hug to you, d.r.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Hope67 on March 10, 2018, 09:55:14 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,

I just wanted to pop in to see you in your Journal and say 'hello' and also extend a hug  :hug: - if that's ok.   :)  I saw that you wrote in very small type that you'd not done a single household chore in your life - and I know you wrote that in very small print, and I've repeated it in normal print, but you know - I wonder if you might wonder what it would be like to 'do a chore' and see how it feels?  Only if you want to - but they can actually be quite enjoyable.  I have the luxury of a dish-washer at home, but sometimes just washing crockery by hand can be 'calming' and the same with cleaning the house - I find it can be really fun - especially with some music on.

I don't want to embarrass you by saying that, and if you think I've over-stepped the mark to say it, please tell me - I just thought that maybe you'd enjoy seeing what it's like to tackle a chore.  The word 'chore' - it can be misleading - I think - because they are not necessarily a chore to every person.  Certainly, I wouldn't judge someone for whether they choose to do something or not do something.  I'm just wondering if you might consider experiencing something you've not tried before, and you might like it. 

I have admired the way you tackle books and different skills - and I think you'd probably enjoy all kinds of things.
You helped me to think differently when you mentioned V for Vendetta and her coping with the prison she was held captive in - and I hope that I can similarly make a comment that might be helpful to you. 

:hug: to you, Decimal Rocket.   :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 11, 2018, 06:20:04 AM
Hi San and Hope. Thanks for all that advice.  :hug:

I agree that learning is neverending, but I always seem to feel this way for another reason. Sometimes I worry there's not enough help going around the world, and helping me just wastes that.  In comparison to my far past, right now feels like I'm living in luxury even when I'm hurting deeply. To ask for more happiness feels a little too much for someone as pathetic as me.

I guess envy isn't my fault then. My situation is less that other people envied me, and more that I used to envy people myself. My lack of ability to understand people just made me assume people felt the same way as I did. When I spent a life where I didn't talk to people enough to verify ideas about how they see me, I tended to rush to all kinds of negative conclusions.

Hope, honestly I did get embarrassed. But it's not you. I just always have at least a slight feeling of embarrassment when I talk to people. Sometimes I feel like what I say is too pathetic and boring sometimes. Besides, I need to expose myself to situations like these at my own pace so I'd get used to it.

I understand Hope, but my definition of relaxing is very different from the normal. My definition of relaxing is learning the most mentally difficult thing possible so I'd get absorbed into my head away from the dangers of the real world. Honestly, activities that don't emphasize thinking enough like menial tasks can freak me out and I'm cautious around more physical activities too. But San did say chores need to be learned for late in life.

Who knows? It could be different than what I thought it would be. Maybe I can learn how to be happy without being dependent on my mind. I can learn to do as much as I think. Besides, cooking, gardening, sewing and fixing broken things doesn't sound as repetitive to learn as the other chores.   :bigwink: Damn. . . I'm bad with my hands though.



Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 12, 2018, 11:02:22 AM
I'm feeling a lot more calmer and kinder to myself today. Thing is I only got here by being a mess and crying over how terrible I felt as a kid. I couldn't stand seeing little me so in pain that they wanted to end their own life. It's heartbreaking. I was so young then and I . . .

I'll just try to rest now. I'm exhausted.

I hope those really weird Japanese commercials can soothe my soul. One commercial had a mom trying to wake her son with death metal to advertise the energy from a chocolate bar. Hahahaha. I tried singing death metal once. My throat didn't think it was a good idea. Heh. My voice is better suited to angelic melodies in broadway and Disney songs. My voice has gotten a lot weaker from lack of use these days though.

I guess I've been thinking all kinds of crazy ideas all my life, huh?

I'm sure I have.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on March 12, 2018, 01:02:08 PM
Glad you're feeling calmer DR and able to feel a little kinder to yourself  :cheer: :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 14, 2018, 10:36:43 AM
Thanks Blue.  ;)

...
Something is unsettling me.

My SPD isn't making my senses as disorganized and overwhelming.

I feel like a less extreme version of Virgil - a man blind since he was a baby who managed to regain sight through surgery as an adult. He looked at the new world with absolute awe, but he was also deeply terrified of colorful places like the grocery.

I can see people's faces as we speak - their smiles, their pouts and other expressions I don't understand yet - without getting too overwhelmed by visual information that I could only focus on their voice. I see more things at the periphery of sight.

The sounds of a busy environment has become less like scratches on the chalkboard and more like the casual jazzy blur of a coffeeshop. Where it used to be every new food made me nauseous, I can now enjoy a melting pot of subtle novel flavors. I don't feel slightly off balance as often, and moving around doesn't feel as threatening.

I've found an opening to a new medium of knowledge before me. Maybe someday I'd even like the idea of traveling the world outside the safety of books. I'm in wonder . . . but I'm also deeply disturbed. I want to curl up inside my inner thoughts and analysis. . . then escape.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 15, 2018, 12:09:23 PM
Anyone around? No?

Maybe I'll just. . . sit down and cry today.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on March 15, 2018, 12:42:26 PM
I'm on here DR though as it happens, I *ought* to be getting off and finishing another contract job.

If you are in a place where  :hug: :hug: are  good, then there they are. If not, then they're just little pics telling you I care.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 16, 2018, 03:25:39 AM
slowly, d.r., slowly.  you don't have to do it all at once, don't have to understand everything all the time or in a specified amount of time.  this is your recovery, your own space, your own pace.  you are comprehending things about yourself and others now that you didn't think possible 6 mos. ago.  you're making so much progress - give yourself credit.  i sure do.

i also have trouble with facial recognition of peoples' emotions.  dang, i still have trouble with recognizing my own feelings.  we're rewiring brain connections, sweetie, and that takes time as well as work.  you're doing the work - just give it the time.

sending a hug full of love and caring about you.  you're doing so well with all this.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 16, 2018, 11:21:06 AM
Thanks Blue and San, :hug: .

San, sorry, but I can't feel proud of myself now. I can feel other kinds of happiness better — curiosity, compassion, relaxation, amusement. . . but not healthy pride.

I'll tell you a secret I'm ashamed of, and I hope you don't hate me for it.

I remember a flashback.

It was when I was more arrogant. I shifted in believing I was powerful as a god and as weak as a worm over and over. I believed I was entitled to be worshipped and other times entitled to be tortured. I buried that arrogance and hid it way under my entire psyche, only to hate myself whenever I felt this way.

Besides, I wondered if anyone would care about me if I felt this way?

I've spent more than year healing since then and my self confidence is way more stable. But sometimes I still hear a tiny voice in the background that still feels this way.

The me that wanted fame. The me that fantasized of power. The me that yearned for riches. Especially through lies.

I try to push it down with absolute shame each time, but from experience, I know it has only one need that actually heals it over time.

At the deepest level, it was the me that wanted love the most.


Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 17, 2018, 12:51:29 AM
rather than hate you, d.r., i can relate to those feelings of arrogance.  i was better than others cuz i was perfect.  that's a little like being god, if you think of it.   i didn't have the worm feeling cuz my perfection didn't allow me to think badly about myself.

yep, i couldn't understand the frailties and faults of being human.  still, i had a very outgoing personality so i somehow got away with it.  i don't feel that way now, because, as you noted, i've been recovering from that.  coming down off that pedestal i was on was so very painful with every thump i endured.

so, now maybe you hate me. 

there's so much i've experienced, yet so much more i haven't.  i do what i can, and now accept that i need help at times.  we've all been thru our own hells, d.r.   one thing or another, we've suffered and emerged a bit more human.  i'm glad of that as much as i can also hate how it feels at times.  old habits die hard.  still, pushing forward as best we can.  love and a warm hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 17, 2018, 12:21:18 PM
Well, I don't hate you, San. I know how hard stepping down from that pedestal can be, and if you were dedicated enough to change this far, then I know you're a good person. And maybe that means that I am too.

....

I remember Dee showed me a poem on my Birthday thread (I'll turn 17 on April 10), and I thought I'd inspire myself by creating my own poetry. I haven't tried writing many before since I thought all poetry was gross and expressing my emotions with it was too, but hey, I'll give it a shot.

Title : I Am What I Am Not.

I don't run away. I rest in my slumber.
I don't give up. I give in to peace.
I don't escape. I hide in wait to strike.

I'm not voiceless. I speak with the wisdom of silence.
I'm not cowardly. I allow fear to drive me forward.
I'm not a dreamer. I dream for the clarity of reality.

I don't deepen into complexity.
I dive deep for simplicity.

Who am I?

I'm the space between words.
The pause between music.
The rest in a dance.

I am nothing, and don't have to be anything.
And that's why in this moment I'm free.


.....

I SOUND SO COOL OHMYGAWD!!!

This is embarrassing. . . I'm screwed. Hey, I was free in that moment, not this moment.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 17, 2018, 04:04:19 PM
you made me laugh - it was a great poem, but what made me laugh was your assessment of how you sounded at the end.  right on!

love you, d.r.  you're doing it.  big hug.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 18, 2018, 11:08:21 AM
San, thanks. I've been showing a more excitable side lately here.  :hug:

..

I've done a lot of progress in opening up to people here and in real life, and it's getting too overwhelming. I'm a little more than ashamed that I have so much trouble with my softer side and trusting others.

I've always been outwardly warm without being affectionate, though often disappearing physically away from others. Think high fives and friendly teasing level warm than hugging and talking about mushy feelings warm. It's new to me though to be inwardly warm too, and that's. . . weird. I can't take doing things like watching violent shows or studying the chemistry of poison for long anymore.

San, I guess you were right. I'm dissociating less, and my softer side's feelings are getting more intense. It's all . . . very confusing. I need to have some time to let it settle.

I learn a lot from connecting with other people here and have healed deeply from it, but it doesn't feel like home to me. Pondering, understanding, analyzing, researching, theorizing and solving in solitude? That's what I think is home. I'd love to go through one of my own researching sprees these days in my free time between studying for the finals. I miss it.

Maybe I'd take a break from this place a bit, and developing relationships in real life. Maybe chemistry. Heh. Not statistics. It's more of a poison than atropine. *shudder* Finals. . .

I want to go home.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 18, 2018, 03:08:09 PM
do what you need to do, d.r.  as they say, home is where the heart is. 

we'll be here when you're ready.  in the meantime, good luck with your finals -  i hope they go well.  statistics was never my favorite, either.  had to get thru 2 semesters of them in grad school, tho.  i squeaked thru, but don't mind if i'm never involved with them again.  love and a big hug - take your time, rest, relax, however that works for you.  be you.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 19, 2018, 09:17:56 AM
San,  :hug: . I was planning to take a break from here, but something important happened today. Sorry, it's long. But I had to say it.

TW*** Intense anger, teacher abuse.
I broke down today, screaming and crying in anger.

My second language teacher was downright cruel to me. I was particularly bad at this class and when I was terrible at something, I was more likely to get stressed. This usually makes my SPD worse and the noise is too overwhelming for me to stay in the room.

I asked her if I could take the test outside just before the breakdown, and she said no. I told her about the occupational therapy for my SPD, but she said no. When I cried, she acted utterly disgusted at me. She finally let me out, but she still treated me like a piece of *. I screamed at her for not even saying sorry, and gave her the paper back telling her I'd rather fail the class than listen to her.

I was sick of being treated like I wasn't important. Sick of being treated like I wasn't trying my best. Sick of being treated like I was just a liar who overexagerrated everything. Sick of being scared of her strictness towards me all the school year. Strict how she never acknowledged my effort and just told me to try harder.

I told the head teacher, and with a concerned voice, she agreed to talk to her later.

I cried all the way from school to home.

At the end, I stood taller. I felt utterly calm. I wasn't numbed. If I was numbed, I'd have that feeling of emptiness and would probably have forgotten some memories if I tried to remember what happened that day. No, I wasn't.

No, it wasn't my fault. I tried my best to work hard and to stay calm. I tried all that before confronting her and she still refused to change.

Sigh. But I'll still have to apologize to her about my screaming after the head teacher talks to her. I went too far. The head teacher was always very understanding about my situation though.

Oh well. I'd have to study for the finals. I intend to change the world after all. I don't mind if I don't, but hey it'll be a fun process to try.

Well, after I rest for a little.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 19, 2018, 02:06:47 PM
honey, you did your best.  we can't help that some people will not see us for what we are, what we do, and what we go thru to do what's expected.  i'm glad you have the head teacher on your side.

i'm also very glad that you feel calm afterwards instead of numb.  i know that as i've been learning how to be assertive, i've often come off very aggressively.  it's not easy to make that switch, to stand up for yourself, and to make sure that you are seen and heard exactly as you are.

even my d has understood this as she's watched me work at setting boundaries after being so sick and tired of not being listened to, being ignored, etc. as to what i need.  she just told me that i haven't had much practice at it, so sometimes i come off harshly. 

it does take practice, tho, and the more we begin standing up for ourselves, the more polished we become at dealing with these kinds of situations.  be patient with yourself - it's part of the process.  like the pendulum has to swing fully in the other direction for a minute before we can find a working balance.

thanks for sharing.  i have no doubt you'll do the apology well, and hopefully your teacher will begin to be a bit more understanding and compassionate.    best to you with this going forward.   love and a big hug, d.r.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 19, 2018, 10:20:48 PM
Hey San, it's just before school here, and I'm a bit anxious and guilty.  :disappear:

I misunderstood certain things she said when I got angry at her. I think I took things too literally — it's an aspie thing. I can understand people — just more slowly.

I have a reason why I'm still well liked with most people though now. Since I can't make as good educated guesses on people's intentions and can't read body language well, I focus on my skill on talking about things directly. This involves asking good questions, conversation skills and just coming off approachable enough to talk to.

Well, I can do that with casual conversation with my more mellow persona. In a heated argument where I and the other party refuses to trust is . . . harder.

Resources from other aspies always tell you that it's not your fault when you get a meltdown from sensory overload. Many of them have it and get ashamed too. I usually prevent it in time, but this teacher was too harsh for me to do what I need soon enough.

I memorized almost about 50 items in a review paper with one look, so seeing my pace with how I study, I'll probably have enough time to rest at least. I'm afraid I'll get another meltdown though.

Sigh.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 20, 2018, 12:44:03 AM
I managed to tell the guidance counselor to accompany me with my apology, and I usually don't feel trusting enough to open up to anyone about things like this. I said sorry, and the teacher gave me some chocolate as an apology too. Maybe we were both just tired that day.

Hmm. . . Wow, I guess it's a good idea to be straightforward all the time. Though, I can be blunt sometimes, especially in real life.  :whistling:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 20, 2018, 12:49:06 AM
i hear ya, sweetie.  diplomacy has never been my strong point.  i've also been harsh and blunt too many times and ended up apologizing or explaining myself later.  very glad for you that the apology went well. 

keep taking care of you.  i'm doing the same.  love and a warm hug.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 20, 2018, 11:16:15 AM
Yeah, I've gotten a lot better as time passes, and I'm not as scared with conflict anymore. Ever since I've become a teenager, I've had this strange sudden need to get independent from adults, and when I finally let it out, it's. . . clumsy. I'm mostly mellow with friends and most adults, but I get moody around certain forms of authorities.

I try to look for EFs and it's often there, but sometimes it's just puberty. Especially with crushes . . . on both genders. Yes, what a very pleasant thing to happen in a country with no gay marriage. Also I still switch between feeling like a he, a she or a them sometimes. Haha. No, I don't think I might get screwed by this info and be discriminated someday, why would I?

And no, I'm not getting EFs of memories of fearing this as a kid, am I? That I as a kid who has no emotional support whatsoever and has no concept of this stuff, damn it!

Sorry . . . just needed to vent.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Blueberry on March 20, 2018, 08:58:44 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on March 20, 2018, 12:44:03 AM
I managed to tell the guidance counselor to accompany me with my apology, and I usually don't feel trusting enough to open up to anyone about things like this. I said sorry,

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: sounds good DR. You were able to ask for support and got it, and then you apologised. Two things. I used not to be able to say sorry at all. I'm glad she apologised to you too / accepted your apology. That means you can both move forwards I guess

I agree with san that it takes practice to set boundaries. I had to start to learn in my 30's and I still struggle with it but am getting better. I used to come across too harsh. I had no idea how to set and be heard but not be harsh about it. I think that involves re-wiring the brain because simply reading how to do it didn't help me. My mind would just go blank.

You're starting way earlier than in your 30's and though I realise you have the added difficult of aspie, still learning earlier is a Good Thing. Keep going, yay you!  :cheer:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 20, 2018, 09:47:19 PM
well, wanting your independence from adults comes with the territory of being an adolescent.  sounds like you're right on schedule.  well done.

vent away - no harm, no foul.  i'm just glad you have a place to get it out.  love and hugs, d.r.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 21, 2018, 12:12:42 PM
Thanks, San and Blue. Yeah, I guess I have certain situations that excuse me from being too hard on myself, huh? My natural social skills and upbringing weren't exactly normal growing up, you know? My muscles kept aching today. Eh, I guess the anxiety tensed up my body. But I'm calm now at least.

...

I noticed something. My mind is more quiet. There's this emergence of situations where I don't feel the anxious need to have control over the situation by analyzing everything. There are no unnecessary thoughts, and no feeling of strong effort to achieve that. No fear. No shame. No sadness.

It's just . . . peaceful.

I thought I would gain the greatest insights by thinking more, but I only found that in thinking less. A kind of less where everything else unimportant is cut off, and what's left is what's essential.

In math, when they say an equation is beautiful, it's expressed in the simplest way possible. It's when an explanation is so beautiful that it can explain a profound variety of different and complex ideas in a way that's surprisingly simple to understand. But that's not what I mean. I appreciate it, but math has it limits. It fragments ideas to deal with them one by one, and for now, I did enough of that.

But maybe now's the time to see life as a whole, isn't it?
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 21, 2018, 02:25:57 PM
maybe it is, maybe it is.  it sounds like you're beginning to do just that.  besides looking at life as a whole, i believe you're becoming more whole within  yourself as well.  hence, that immediate need to make everything logical and controlled is lessening.

seeing ourselves from various angles, in various ways is freeing when we can accept all those different parts and understand how they all work together to make us the wondrous beings we are.  we are magical, synergistic, much more than the sum total of our parts.   i love us humans, with all our faults and glories.

love and a warm, accepting hug to you, d.r.  you're moving right along.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 22, 2018, 12:10:58 PM
 :hug: San.

....

When I was 9, I had my first crush on a girl. I was supposed to have crushes on boys, they say, and I found it strange how my heart leapt for my best friend at the time. I remember pacing around anxious on what this could mean.

I adored my tutor as my hero who was with me after school every weekday. He nurtured my deep curiosity. He was the type of teacher a kid can ask why the sky is blue, and he'd know the answer. He'd often give me hugs and joke around with me as a kid.

When I was 11, I remember he said homosexuals were disgusting, as the word of God had mentioned. He'd speak about always following what society dictated, and if you don't follow every norm, you will be hated and thrown out. I laughed at him as a kid, and said he was stupid.

On that day, I realized he was no longer my perfect hero.

He'd continue to be kind to me most of the time, but would slip something forced and religious to my ear over and over and over again even if I argued against it. The stories that were sweet back then were repeated and repeated in a way that never taught anything new anymore, and I was sick of it. But inside, I wanted to be loved, loved by the father that didn't abandon me like my biological one did.

I remember at 12, I remember being driven to school. The rosary wrapped around the car's mirror. The words of Jesus plastered over the back of cars. Where the sun basked and when the shadows were giants. I felt like the world wasn't real, and I couldn't tell anyone about this.

How strange it was to admit I had no idea if God really existed or not. . .
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 22, 2018, 03:16:33 PM
my dad was my god and my hero and i wanted to be like him when i grew up.  until one day, he wasn't and i didn't.

those childhood ways of seeing adults, hearing their words and thoughts, and processing our experiences with them seem like the world at the time.  then we grow up, and if we're lucky, we find our own way to be seen, heard, and be.  we capture our own thoughts and nurture them, and process our experiences differently thru the mind of an adult.  getting from one place to another, tho, that transition period, can be long and hard.

and the spiritual side of us, yeah, that can go from one extreme to another - accepting what we've been taught to rejecting it all, to finding our own place that makes sense for us.  sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.  it's personal.

so, i, too, have struggled with all of this.  some i'm still struggling with, some i'm at peace with.   i hear ya, d.r.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on March 23, 2018, 06:34:45 PM
I'm not sure what to say, Rocket.
But it sounds like you're making progress and on the verge of a breakthrough on your way of healing and growing.

Just wanted to say hi. :)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 24, 2018, 09:49:42 AM
I agree San, it is hard. Funny how the curiosity my tutor nurtured was eventually the thing that got used against him though.  :whistling:

Hi there too, Sceal.  :)

....

I'm ashamed of being 2e or twice exceptional.

What's that you ask? It's when you're gifted in some areas, and learning disabled in other areas.

Yeah. It's complicated, I know.

After Ah told me to check out the traits of giftedness, I came across it. I've forgotten taking an IQ test as an 11 or 12 year old before, and my nonverbal intelligence ability (VIsual, abstract, mathematical thinking and planning) and was tested to be at the level of an 18 year old then. I had a breakdown and never finished the test, but I bet my reading level would have been much higher than what's expected of my age considering the types of books I read back then. And that's me when I was more stressed to think well back then.

A more recent test a few months ago apparently tells me I detect social cues and use social inference like an 8 year old. I have to ask notes from my classmates because I get confused with how to write letters sometimes. Sometimes I stay quiet because I don't know how to sound a word sometimes without stuttering. My senses process things in a way that are too strong, and my balance can feel slightly off in a way that's distracting.

In some areas, I feel wise beyond my years, and others, I feel like an immature kid. Either incredibly smart or horrendously stupid. Either I feel petty to ask for help from already being able to do so much, or pathetic enough that I can never help myself. Either I'm not putting in any effort despite my intelligence, or I'll never put enough effort from my own disability. At least, that's what other people have been telling me all this time.

Confused what my place is in the world without having a clear non-complex label to slap my identity with. Having wildly different needs just made my emotional neglect worse, and the years without any emotional support more deeply confusing. Being different lead to being even more deeply misunderstood.

Sometimes I wish I was normal.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on March 24, 2018, 05:47:23 PM
Even people who aren't gifted are strong in some areas and weaker in others. It's part of what makes us all different, none of us are completely alike.

But I'd like to ask you this one question, you say you sometimes wish you were normal - what do you define as normal?
(You don't have to answer that, it was more meant like a game of thought)
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 25, 2018, 10:22:05 AM
I don't know what exactly is normal. What I've learned about being here is that there's strangely always something to relate to with someone, no matter how different I am. Somehow it makes me feel more "normal". It's not really being normal I want then. It's more of a need for belonging.

One thing I learned is that every advantage has a disadvantage and vice versa. How the pressure on the gifted from society breaks them emotionally (Because they don't get the difference between super intelligence and perfection.) and how they can't relate to others as well. How their powerful brains don't make them just think more deeply, but often feel more deeply to be more affected by trauma.

The learning disabled keep talking about being disadvantaged, but having a talent for certain abilities despite or even because of that disability. I know  aspies often have advantages in detail awareness, finding patterns, being nonjudgemental and loyalty. Those with Dyspraxia (those motor control problems I keep talking about) often has more creativity, humor and motivation.

I've seen two sides, and they need to combine for a complete picture.

And I have no idea how to do that without being ashamed of both.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on March 25, 2018, 02:20:50 PM
Perhaps before you combine the two, you could investigate why you get ashamed? Question the shame.
Shame only works ( according to professionals and researchers) if it has breathing room to grow in. Questioning it, ackowledging it, saying out loud, accepting that you are ashamed in the moment are apparently what one needs to do in a moment of shame.

Personally, I haven't broken free, so I can't give a personal attest to it's validity. But massive amounts of research by others, say this is the thing.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 27, 2018, 02:09:16 AM
I guess I have questioned the shame, Sceal, and I guess it was because I was afraid of what other people think.  :whistling:

The more I come to terms with these labels, the less power I give to whatever stereotypes or expectations people place on them. Eh. It feels more. . . normal.

Strange that the world thinks of people either as the strong or as the weak. Maybe the truth is that we're both strong and weak in our own way, twice exceptional or not. Weak enough that we need help, and strong enough that we can make progress in our life. One's more there than the other sure, but they're rival siblings that need to share what they have.

I still have flashbacks, insecurities and disadvantages, but they seem "normal" to me now. Something I'm used to. I was a tragedy not because of these labels, but because of the lack of love shown around these parts of me. Wealth, success and talent doesn't mean happiness, just like certain disabilities doesn't mean despair.

I'm pretty sure I'll fall back to shame again eventually, but I'll enjoy this moment while it lasts.

I breathe, I eat, I love, I hate, I think, I feel, I doubt, I dream and so I live.

Yep. Just a normal human being doing their thing in life.

Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Sceal on March 27, 2018, 10:38:01 AM
You are describing some good progress here.
You've worked really hard to get here.  :hug:
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 27, 2018, 08:56:46 PM
what sceal said, d.r.  becoming human can have its downsides, but also mountains of pleasure we weren't able to achieve before.  keep going - warm loving hug filled with support, acceptance, and humanness to the nth degree.
Title: Re: DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit
Post by: Andyman73 on June 02, 2018, 10:57:41 PM
DR
Just stopped in to say hi..."HI"...been too long. You been doing some hard work here, Well done, my friend.