Hey e'erbody! How ya'll doin? I am just gonna start writing stuff here bit by bit, see what crawls out of the darkness between my ears.
Okay, gonna go with a few stats..as of now I am 44 years old. Been married over 18 years to the only person I had an actual relationship with. And it's been a doozy.
TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING; mentions various abuse, CSA/R/CPA/ASA/APA and DV of all kinds and flavors.
Without realizing it, I chose her to punish me. I needed it in the worst possible way. She has been an overachiever in that role. This past January something cracked and something crawled out of the vast darkness that resides between my ears, and keeps my head in a nice non-scary head shaped shape.
It was a memory of being groomed and sa by a male predator, 2X, while I was a young man serving in the U.S. Marines. That memory exploded in my head like a nuclear device! Literally!!! Everything associated with that memory hit all at the exact same second! Since that time.....I've had more...so so much more....only saving grace is every new memory has come gently, like a piece of driftwood left by a receding wave on the shore.
So...I now know that my earliest known abuse happened before I was 3 years old...still potty training. In just over a 2 year period I was abused...csa/r by 4 male abusers...2 teen boys and 2 grown men. The 4th of that group set in motion a chain of events that culmated with mommy dearest CPA me for the next 6 years, till I was 11 years old. Daddy dearest contributed about 3% in the cpa.
I'm going to stop here. It's too much...
my heart is with you, andy, i hope you know that. to have gone thru so much from such a young age is horrible, to say the least. what strength you have shown to still be here. i know there's more to this story, more horrors (from other posts). you are an inspiration to us all to have made it through.
i'm so glad you're here and you've begun to unload. it's not easy, that's for sure. i hope you can be kind to yourself, gentle with and nurturing of yourself, as much as possible. that's what you deserve, not punishment. you show the heart and guts of being a marine, a man, and a human being. thank you. sending you a hug filled with compassion and love.
Sanmagic7,
Thank you for you kind words.
Struggling a bit atm, seems my faulty memory got me in trouble again. I always try to graciously accept the consequences of what ever I may have done. I wish I could remember so I could learn from my mistakes. At home, I think wife gaslights me all the time...well, she did admit recently, that she withholds information from me all the time.
More often than not, I just play dumb, it's so much safer, at home, Work, social settings. I've learned the more I talk, the more trouble I make for myself. There really must be something wrong with me. So many aspects of life where my opinions or thoughts are disregarded more often than not, just leaves me confused and lost. Almost got in real trouble in the Marines because of forgetting.
How do you not get in trouble when you can't even remember?
:hug:
Truth is....joke's on me. See, when I was little, I was always getting into trouble for what I was remembering. Worst of it was during the 6 year stretch of CPA. Everything I said was wrong. Either remembered it wrong, never happened or it fantastical to be true. This doesn't even take into account frequent episodes of Deja vu or lost time.
Then I graduated high school, joined the Marines....thus changing the role my memory would play in my life. Very quickly I started getting in trouble for forgetting. Got written up a few times, while in the Marines, for forgetting one thing or another. Then met wife. Chose her unknowingly to be my personal punisher....just like mommy used to do.
Then my memory really started getting me in trouble. Though I suppose some was just her gaslighting me.
Been fortunate enough that I haven't forgotten myself into serious trouble. Forget stuff at my job, at home, and even online, both here and another online community.
andy, if your memories were continually shot down in terrible ways as a kid, i think it would be only normal that that part of your mind would have faulty wiring. along with a belief system about being 'wrong' all the time, to my mind it would be quite easy to fall into a pattern of not remembering quickly.
enter a gaslighting partner to reinforce through deceit, deception, and withholding the idea that your memory is faulty, well, it's been like a tag team match, but you had no partner to give you a break and get your wits about you. as we've learned here, the brain has a plasticity about it which means it can re-wire itself given the nurturing, loving, kind, and caring messages we needed but were deprived of.
you know what you know, andy. it's difficult to act on partial or mis-information and have things come out all right. as you get further into recovery, i believe you'll be able to trust your memory more and more, and it will begin to serve you well. the more you surround yourself with positive, accepting people, the easier you'll be able to see it. sending you a big hug filled with self-trust and loving care.
Sanmagic7,
Yeah, but it continued till 4 years ago. That was the last time I remember my parents telling me I remember stuff wrong, or over-embellish my memories. So..from that one source, that spanned 36 years or so.
I hope my brain can rewire and reroute and regroup.
I wonder, though, about all the missing time and stuff I don't remember. While I do expect some relief and recovery to occur, after I leave my abusive wife, I'm mostly just looking forward to the abuse stopping. I really really appreciate your loving care filled big hug! :hug: :hug: :hug:
:hug:
I wish I could give you back your brain intact, without any of the pain that it holds for you. Just do magic, take away the bad things and give you yourself as you could have been. But to be honest, from where I'm standing you're such a special person here and now. Pain hasn't dimmed that one bit.
No more abuse sounds like a very good deal to me.
As for keeping out of trouble when you don't remember, well... just between you and me, playing dumb has worked for me :bigwink: but only with people I couldn't talk to, if it was a safe or a good enough friend then I said "oh, memory... so sorry" and took a deep breath. Then another, and another... I'm in awe that after all you've been living through your entire life, you're who you are now. That's not to be taken for granted.
Your brain has done such a good job at protecting you so far, from the outside it may seem odd to have memory problems but it's the most sane, healthy response imaginable to an insane situation.
:hug:
:yeahthat:
Well-put ah!
I agree with Ah here.
Just wanted to send a quick support hug.
:hug:
AH..... :'( you brought tears to my eyes, dear friend... :hug: that is so so wonderful what you said. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Tried playing dumb, just makes more trouble...she thinks I'm stupid, and worlds biggest jerk. She knows I have memory issues, been tested and confirmed. Dr actually said I was borderline mentally disabled due to cognitive memory issues. But she refuses to believe and accept that. Says I'm doing it on purpose. But then she gaslights me all the time...taking advantage of my dysfunctional memory. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Sanmagic7, thank you. :)
Blueberry, thank you ;)
DecimalRocket, thank you :hug:
Had t on Monday, discussed non-memory things...not sure what to call it...finding I did something with absolutely no knowledge or memory associated with it at all. Very disconcerting...forgetting feels like it was there but now isn't. But these things....it's like someone else must have done them, but had to be me, because only I could do them. I don't know...lost in my own mind I suppose....
Had a rather strong EF yesterday...was overwhelmed with the sense of dread and fear of punishment. Won't say what the trigger is...but cause in doing so...will trigger it again. How do you talk about something, when talking about it..well, writing it on here, will just trigger me again. I can't talk about it on the other community either...for the same exact reason. I feel trapped with this. Guess it don't really matter...got triggered anyway, just by writing here what I did write.
It's holding me hostage. I'm not assuming that it will cause problems...I've already discovered that it will, on the other community. I was talking in hypotheticals even, to try to keep it as neutral as possible.
TRIGGER WARNING CPA
I know where it comes from....but I have no idea how to stop it. It originates from when I was being CPA by my mother from age 5 to 11. I was always in trouble, for who knows what. Had a lot of dissociations, lost time and such. I remember she said one time that she was going to beat the bad out of me and the fear of God into me. And that was early on..guess it took her 6 years of 4-5 times a week beatings. That 6 year period is mostly gone from memory...really just isn't there, like a blurry dark grey fog.
I'm so sorry you've been upset. Big, safe hugs to you! You're an important voice in the forum. Hang in there.
:heythere:
you're pretty courageous, andy. writing about it and all. how horrible for you. so very sorry you had to re-live it by writing about it.
in the end, did it help to write it? did you find any relief? were you able to get any of the poison out? i'll bet that little boy was plenty mad, as well as hurt and in pain, but could never express it. no wonder you feel trapped by it.
sending a warm, caring, compassionate hug filled with love, andy.
Quote from: Three Roses on November 16, 2017, 05:09:21 PM
I'm so sorry you've been upset. Big, safe hugs to you! You're an important voice in the forum. Hang in there.
:heythere:
Thank you. I really appreciate you saying that. :hug:
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't mean writing, mean, in general.
San, you're amazing.
DR, you are quite amazing too.
Yesterday I had a massive EF while at work. Took all my energy not to dissociate. Even so, still messed me up. Was talking about losing my t in a few more weeks. And facing possibility of being without for some unknown length of time. Also facing the possibility of reduced benefits from the Veterans Affairs, here in the USA. That would be catastrophic, because it is how I can afford t on my own. Coupling that with leaving my wife in a few months and it was too much. It triggered a massive EF with fear of punishment and abandonment. My littles were scared of being punished, physically, like when I was being cpa by mommy when I was very young. And abandoned, like when little, some of my csa/r happened after being left or dropped off for various reasons.
I don't know how to reassure them, when I'm just as afraid of what's coming, as they are. I know I won't be physically punished. But the feeling of being punished by losing t and no new t until this is resolved feels like punishment. And being left out, again, which I've experienced both as a child and an adult.
I don't even know what all I'm feeling, or how to explain what it feels like. Don't want to say it's bringing urges of SH and thoughts of sui. So, I'm not saying that.
Andyman, when I close my eyes and absorb what you've said, I can feel what it would feel like to me to be going thru all that - and I'm glad you're keeping your littles close and safe. Take care of yourself please, you're valuable here. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Here are some :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: Andyman for you and your little ones.
:bighug:
I know when we were young, when we felt fear it meant something bad was coming. But this time you're making wise, courageous, right decisions that are meant to bring better things in the future for you and all your little ones. And for everyone related to you. It can be so hard for the little ones to understand... I know.
But sometimes fear doesn't mean something bad comes next. Sometimes it's just very good, very healthy fear, it's the fear that comes before a change is made. It's part of making the change. It's the good kind of fear.
Doesn't feel that way though, not at all. :blink:
Losing your t... that's :sadno:
You don't need to explain what you're feeling, just be here even if you have no words at all, no need for them, if there are none that's okay. If it's just raw fear that's okay too... I'll sit here by you and we'll get through it one day at a time.
You're making some amazingly courageous new moves atm, making decisions that are entirely your own, and if you all didn't feel triggered by it all that would really worry me. Seriously! No kidding.
:bighug:
Quote from: Three Roses on December 07, 2017, 04:56:54 PM
Andyman, when I close my eyes and absorb what you've said, I can feel what it would feel like to me to be going thru all that - and I'm glad you're keeping your littles close and safe. Take care of yourself please, you're valuable here. :hug: :hug: :hug:
3Roses, you may call me Andy or Andrew if you like. I know there are others here and there, that have a lifetime of abuse too. I haven't met any that have had such long term (42 years) ongoing abuse....except perhaps ah. Besides ah, who is still in it too....don't know anyone who has gotten out and away from a lifetime, 4 decades, that I can talk with and see how it is afterwards.
Honestly 3Roses, I feel like a giant redwood, or a mountain....scorched by countless fires, battered by storms beyond count...adding scars upon scars upon scars. Still here, still standing, still facing the abuse....relief is in sight...at least that's something.
Trying to care for us...
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Blueberry,
Thank you so much for the hugs... :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
here are more :hug: :hug: :hug: for you, andy.
have you visited the healing porch? it may be something calming for you, something to help soothe that cutting edge of fear. you can chat, watch the others, or sit by yourself and just absorb the healing and gentle kindness there. you're on the edge of making some big changes, and possibly changes being made to you, so it's no wonder that fear is ruling the roost for the moment. it's ok - we've all been there and now we're also here with you. big warm loving hug to you, andy.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Quote from: ah on December 07, 2017, 09:08:10 PM
:bighug:
I know when we were young, when we felt fear it meant something bad was coming. But this time you're making wise, courageous, right decisions that are meant to bring better things in the future for you and all your little ones. And for everyone related to you. It can be so hard for the little ones to understand... I know.
But sometimes fear doesn't mean something bad comes next. Sometimes it's just very good, very healthy fear, it's the fear that comes before a change is made. It's part of making the change. It's the good kind of fear.
Doesn't feel that way though, not at all. :blink:
Losing your t... that's :sadno:
You don't need to explain what you're feeling, just be here even if you have no words at all, no need for them, if there are none that's okay. If it's just raw fear that's okay too... I'll sit here by you and we'll get through it one day at a time.
You're making some amazingly courageous new moves atm, making decisions that are entirely your own, and if you all didn't feel triggered by it all that would really worry me. Seriously! No kidding.
:bighug:
ah, thank you so very very much, my dear friend. :hug: :bighug: :hug:
Some of it is out of my control, or sphere of influence...losing the t that is leaving that provider. Then facing the idea of being without till that overlap of treatment inquiry is satisfied...how ever long that may be. Can't change or effect it in any way, shape, or form...and that is huge...so very very :fallingbricks:
Makes me think of a time or two, when I was in the Marines, and out on training excersises, and they ran out of food, before I got any. Was one meal for everybody who's name was on the list. Mine was on the list. But because I didn't rush to the truck and push and shove, like the others, I was last in line, and went with out. This happened 2 separate times. The hunger was no big deal, but being told to suck it up and tough luck, when I did nothing wrong...felt exactly like when my mom would force me to skip meals as punishment. Except these I had paid for out of pocket. That's how all this makes me feel, being punished just for living and breathing, not because I did wrong.
San,
:hug: Thank you so much. No, I haven't visited the healing porch. Will have to do that. Yeah, fear..and lots and lots of hurts too. :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
DR,
Thank you. :hug: :hug: :hug:
totally sucks, andy, having been made to feel bad about yourself, be punished/hurt/blamed for something you didn't do. how is a kid supposed to process that in any meaningful way? kids believe they are the center of the world, so anything that goes wrong, or is done to them that doesn't make sense to a kid's mind is automatically turned inward. 'it's my own fault, i'm bad, i'm no good, i shouldn't be here' and on and on.
when we're not told or shown differently as kids, we grow up with those messages and believe them cuz they're the only ones we had. actually, it's the other people where lies the blame, not with the kid, not with the adult who is kind and caring and manipulated by those in power.
i'm hoping you'll eventually get resolution and healing for those messages that were never really yours, but were stacked on top of your own self-care messages when you were too young to push them off. at your own pace, in your own time, of course. you've got a lot on your plate to deal with. keep taking care of you as best you can. sending a hug filled with peace and love.
Thanks, San. I stopped wondering anymore about 2 or 3 years into that 6 years of cpa from my mom, what I did to deserve it. Not that it mattered anyway. There wasn't anything I was or wasn't doing that really needed to be changed, behavior wise.
I just don't know really. It just went from one authority figure to the next and the next. And wife been doing it for nearly 22 years.
Yeah, my plate is more like an overloaded serving platter. I can't really deal with anything but day to day stuff. After I leave wife, then things will start to solidify. And maybe see what happens from there. Love your love filled hugs! :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hey, Andy, no special words from me. Just want to say I've listened and proud of the progress you're making.
:hug:
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 10, 2017, 12:51:40 PM
Just want to say I've listened and proud of the progress you're making.
:hug:
Me too, exactly that.
(Well, actually, I feel this exact same way toward you Decimal, too...)
:hug:
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 10, 2017, 12:51:40 PM
Hey, Andy, no special words from me. Just want to say I've listened and proud of the progress you're making.
:hug:
DR, thank you so very very much. I really appreciate you just being here and witnessing. That's just as valuable as commenting too. Thank you. :hug:
ah,
Thank you so much. :hug:
Hi Andy,
I've read some of your Journal, and just wanted to pop by and say that I think you're handling so many tough things, and you've got a lot on your plate, and I really hope that you will have some relief in sight - sending you a hug :hug: if that's ok.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope66 on December 14, 2017, 07:38:12 PM
Hi Andy,
I've read some of your Journal, and just wanted to pop by and say that I think you're handling so many tough things, and you've got a lot on your plate, and I really hope that you will have some relief in sight - sending you a hug :hug: if that's ok.
Hope :)
Hello Hope,
I hope so too(hope that's not too weird). Seems like my plate keeps getting piled higher and higher. Hugs are always okay, my friend. Thank you so much. :hug:
Andy :phoot:
Doesn't sound weird at all, Andy - sounds perfectly reasonable to me! :) I hope that plate isn't too heavy, and maybe there are some plates you could put aside to deal with another time - I don't know - but whatever happens, know that we're all here supporting you - and being here :grouphug:
Hope :)
:grouphug:
Quote from: Hope66 on December 19, 2017, 09:47:15 AM
Doesn't sound weird at all, Andy - sounds perfectly reasonable to me! :) I hope that plate isn't too heavy, and maybe there are some plates you could put aside to deal with another time - I don't know - but whatever happens, know that we're all here supporting you - and being here :grouphug:
Hope :)
Thank you so much Hope. I not try to pile up plates. Seems like everywhere I turn, another plate gets tossed onto the pile, no matter what. Just want to let them fall and come what may. But too afraid my life will be over, as I know it. Don't want to end up with a psychotic break, either. Thank you for being here Hope. I really appreciate that very much. :bighug:
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 19, 2017, 12:25:49 PM
:grouphug:
Thank you DR! :bighug:
Andy :phoot:
:bighug:
Quote from: Andyman73 on December 19, 2017, 06:12:09 PM
Thank you so much Hope. I not try to pile up plates. Seems like everywhere I turn, another plate gets tossed onto the pile, no matter what. Just want to let them fall and come what may.
Can we carry a few of the plates for you? I can handle maybe one or two extra plates, so that there'll be a little less weight for you.
Give us a couple of your plates.
Quote from: Andyman73 on December 19, 2017, 06:12:09 PM
But too afraid my life will be over, as I know it.
I hope it'll have new things in it.
A bit of safety, and calm, and no new plates on top of all the ones you've got to juggle as it is.
:bighug: :grouphug:
andy, i think anytime we make a change, as in get rid of a plate, our lives are over as we knew them. go slowly, get used to the change, let yourself find yourself in your new life, then, when you're ready, you can let go of another plate. we're here to help you with them. big hug.
Ah,
Yes, you may help with plates. That would be so wonderful. Thank you. I do think things will ease up a little, in the new year. Especially after I move out, which isn't too far away now.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
San,
I hadn't thought of that, you know? That :whistling: one plate being released creates change. I was too focused on the big picture. I do think the biggest plate of them all...abusive wife plate, is the one making all the other plates so unbearable. Will be dropping that one very very soon!!! 😁
:bighug:
andy, it sounds like that plate can't be dropped soon enough. so very proud of you (if that isn't presumptuous) to be taking that step. very happy for you as well. hope it goes as smoothly as possible. warm, loving hug to you, my dear brother.
San,
Forget dropped!!! Thrown like a discus reaching for a new world record!!! :chestbump:
Oh thank you so very much, dearest and most wonderful San. :bighug:
I do hope it goes smooth, like you say. I'm ready for a break from the rough stuff for a while. Warm loving :hug: to you, dear sweet loving sister. :sunny:
Yes, start with what will heal you the most. That's a great idea.
:hug:
Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 28, 2017, 02:05:36 PM
Yes, start with what will heal you the most. That's a great idea.
:hug:
DR, can't say for sure, but tossing the "abusive wife" plate will have profound effects on my life. And honestly....the initial freedom of it all will be quite staggering I think. But on the other hand..the dramatic drop off of daily stress will probably make me feel like a million dollars....okay not really, but maybe a few hundred dollars! ;D
:bighug:
If it's okay, I would love to send you a very warm and supportive hug.
You are clearly struggling, with so much. With what you've been through, and what you are still going through.
I hope that step by step, you will find the good path to take.
My heart goes out to you. I've been thinking alot about you since I read your other thread the other day.
if i might add a warning of sorts here, andy - when you toss that big plate, be ready to also feel confused and/or uneasy. getting rid of such a load can leave us unsteady in the beginning until we get used to it. i'm just speaking from experience.
after moving here from mex., finally having competent medical care, being close to my d, and away from the misery i was feeling as a constant companion, it's taken months for me to make the adjustment. everything is so different now, like jumping from a burning ship onto a life raft in the middle of the ocean. i didn't quite know what to do with it, couldn't quite see land right away in order to feel steady.
it's better now, and i'm very glad to be here and not there anymore. i'm not trying to be a downer, and maybe your experience will be completely different and all you will feel is free and alive, and i think that would be fabulous. i certainly hope that's how it goes. sincerely wishing you all the best with this, andy. warm loving hug to you.
I agree with San here now that I think about it. When something good happens in life, it often becomes better, but it often allows for some additional problems you haven't seen before. And many people are anxious to fix the next big thing in their lives.
Whatever it is, I hope you can take time to slow down and celebrate whatever happens to you. CPTSD is a deeply terrible thing, but there's a potential for a greater capacity of gratitude for moving into a more secure life when compared to what happened in the past.
:bighug:
Hi Andy,
Wishing you all the best for the remainder of 2017, and wishing you lots of good things for 2018 - those plates you've been carrying have been heavy, and like you said, some are larger than others - and like SanMagic said - it will potentially be de-stabilising as you adjust to whatever happens when you put down/toss/break some of them. But like Ah said, we can help you - because we're here in this forum, and you can come and share the load with us - maybe you can paint a couple of plates in different colours - and have a fresh perspective.
Most of all, I hope you have some chance to relax - if that helps - and sending you a hug :hug: - hope you are ok.
Wishing you the best for 2018.
Hope :)
Sceal, warm hugs are always welcome at any time. It's hard to try to process and work through things while still being abused. I think a lot of people don't get it, so they say things as if I wasn't still being abused. Not any of you here, so much. On the other community, I get that a lot. Can't practice much self care when you don't have the freedom to do so.
Havin said all that, Sceal I really appreciate that you respect that I'm still being abused. But only for one more month. :bighug: :bighug:
San, I do expect some negative effects, living with my younger brother and his family will make a big difference too. I am so looking forward to not being criticized for being alive. Going to work will help with some of those day to day issues. Warm loving :hug: :bighug:
DR, I sure do plan to just rest and recuperate for a few months. And I do expect other things to come to light once out frum under her thumb. :bighug:
Hope, thank you so much for your kind words. :bighug:
i sincerely hope this month goes by quickly for you, andy, and you get out from under and finally have some space to breathe and begin your recovery in earnest instead of piecemeal, as is so often the case while still being abused. looking forward to the day when you post here 'i'm out!'. it will be a day to rejoice and begin grieving, both. but, we'll be with you all the way. warm, loving hug filled with strength and patience.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 02, 2018, 01:55:43 PM
i sincerely hope this month goes by quickly for you, andy, and you get out from under and finally have some space to breathe and begin your recovery in earnest instead of piecemeal, as is so often the case while still being abused. looking forward to the day when you post here 'i'm out!'. it will be a day to rejoice and begin grieving, both. but, we'll be with you all the way. warm, loving hug filled with strength and patience.
Knowing you'll be with me, and the rest of you too, makes so much of a difference. I'm just a little worried about what may come out, once the daily abuse is gone. Exit minus 28 days!!!
with you all the way, andy.
i think, for one thing, it'll just feel weird to you not to have that abuse all the time. it'll be a period of adjustment, but you're going into it with eyes wide open, and that will help you immensely. plus, you're not alone.
28 days and counting! you go, bro! big warm loving hug to you.
Yes, yes. I'll be here too when I have the time and energy.
:hug:
The days are counting down Andy, and I hope that you're doing ok. Thinking of you.
Hope :)
I'm with Hope, counting down the days and thinking of you.
San, just got a tiny bit of relief. Wife started her new job yesterday. While creating some new stresses, it means she won't be home for 6.5 hours during the days I'm off work. So...small blessings will feel really big! :woohoo:
E-21 days and counting!
Hi Andy,
Great that you experienced a tiny bit of relief - I hope you enjoy that time and space you'll have - :cheer:
Hope :)
That's great to hear Andy. :hug:
so very glad to hear that, andy. we're counting down with you. pretty soon now - are you ready? warm, loving hug to you, bro.
Hi Andyman,
I hope you're ok - just wanted to say 'hello' and say that I hope you're doing ok. :hug:
Hope :)
same here, andy. been thinking about you. warm, loving, caring hug to you.
same here.
Been wondering about you a little these days too. You alright?
Me too, Andyman, hope you are ok. :)
Hope :)
Me too, Andyman, hope you're OK. :wave:
Hi Andyman,
Just wanted to say I was glad to see you in here the other day, and just wanted to write something here in your Journal to say I hope you're having an ok week.
Hope :)
Hi everyone :grouphug: :grouphug:🌺🌹🌻🌷🌼💐🌸💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
Miss you all so much!
To whomeever sent me an email, please forgive me for not responding. I miss placed it in my phone. I had treid to archive it, so wouldn't delete, but then couldn't find it. So sorry.
I had t this pst Monday, only 2nd time this year. Lost all others. But!!!! But.....new t will be regular t! 😊 Be every Monday morning. Best part of all is she is a survivor and U.S. Military Veteran like I am. So she understands both being being in Military and being sa/r while in Military. So I am really looking forward to talking with someone who knows, cuz she been there too.
Getting more settled at my younger brother' House. Been a lot of struggle for me, on inside. Have to remember my place and that I'm there cuz of their good will and love for me. Overall, much better than my marriage home. My 16yr old daughter recently said that her mom is a lot better since I moved out. Her mom is better all around . To which I am grateful for, cuz I so worried that she would get worse instead of better.
Spent 1st week of May at twin brother's house. He and I went to school with her older brother. Have known them for 29 years now. Brother been married to her 23 years. Anyway, was most relaxed I have ever been....as far as I can remember. They made me feel safe and free and completely like I matter and belong.
It felt wonderful.
Hope new t will help me to be able to come here regularly again.
Love you all
Hi Andy,
Welcome back!!!! You've been missed - for definite!!! :)
:cheer: that you are well and things are going ok for you - I can see that from what you wrote. I am rushing this reply, as I have something cooking at the moment, and need to keep an eye on it, but I was pleased to see you're back, and wanted to welcome you back!
Hope :)
andy, so good to have you back. and so very happy about your new t. she sounds wonderful for you.
i'm just so glad for you that you're out of your abusive marriage, making a fresh start, and hope that progress continues for you on o so many fronts. much love and warm, caring hug for you.
Welcome back Andyman, it's good to have you return feeling safe and well cared for.
Thank you so much Hope!!! I'm still struggling to make my way here. I have missed you all terribly. :) :) :)
Been having trouble sleeping lately. Not that I don't, but feels like I'm waking up as if I had spent the previous day over exerting myself. So must be something going on inside me. I'm usually totally wasted the first night after t. But becuase of the Memorial Day holiday, here in the U.S., I didn't have t this past Monday. Maybe not having t really took a toll on me, this past week.
Hi sanmagic, glad to be back. New t is such a bright shiny personality, I find it so refreshing. Her method of choice is IFS type therapy. This a first for me. I'm really looking forward to working with her.
I'm finding life quite different from what I knew. It's so much harder in some aspects. I've never been this responsible for myself...in all my adult life. I just hope I wont have to go it alone, for too many years. I know it's so early to worry about that. But at age 44, and 42 years of abuse behind me...I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. I try not to think too much...well...hardly at all, really, about it. It's the only way I can keep from having an anxiety attack. :'( Warm caring hug so nice, :hug: Thank you.
Estella, thank you! Glad to be back! Yeah, missed all the love from you guys.
hey, andy,
i hope you can give yourself some time and patience with all this. you've put yourself into a whole new world, and it will take a bit for you to get used to it. being responsible for yourself is so huge.
i've heard good things about ifs therapy. hopefully, you will get a lot of positives out of it.
i'm really glad for you that you're looking forward to working with this t. you so deserve to be able to get out from under the load you've been carrying for so long.
all my best to you, sweetie. sending love and hugs your way.
Hi San,
Yeah, all the rest of my life to work through this. So many things changing all at once...make it seem so so big.
Thank you, I have heard of IFS, but don't know much a bout it. I do know it's new to me, as a patient.
I do hope to lighten my load!!!
I've missed your loving and caring ways. :hug: :hug: :hug:
i've missed you, too, andy.
I've lost the most precious friend I've ever ever had...maybe forever. I got to know her in an online survivors community. We had gotten to the point of discussing our futures together. She has DID, and I have gotten to know 7-8 of her littles/others. And they welcomed mine with open arms. I only know that she's alive and slowly getting better day by day. Her adult son said it was my fault. I didn't hear anything for 5 days, so I thought she had a stroke or a mental breakdown. She was feeling off, and had had a stroke 27 years ago during birth of her son. She lost 2 weeks of time when that happened. But when her son texted me from her phone, and said what he did, I wondered if he was implying his dad beat her so bad she was hospitalized. Son said I was the cause of the verbal abuse, and other abuses too.
Son grew up in that house, knows his dad has been very abusive in every manner of DV abuse, to his mom, and to him sometimes too. Even just 6-8 weeks ago his dad was physically violent with him. This stuff has been going on over the 27 years of their marriage...so...sure aint my fault. I know I was making her happy. She told me so. And her coworkers knew that someone good had finally come into her life, cuz they could see it on her face.
And now.... :'( ??? :stars: we all alone again. We talked and texted every day...all the time...not justme and her, but me and her others/littles too. Feels like lost whole group. :'( :'( :'(
Then just a few days ago had flashback triggered by another online friend's own memory being shared...
TW TW TW !!!!!
they were talking about gettng a sense of being caged as a young child..in a dog carrier/kennel. That triggered me...little andy told me he remmbers stuck in box by mean boy at nursery, when we were 2...him would sit on lid and squish us inside, cuz just not quite big enough. Also then I had body memory from a few years after that, of being in something bigger, all dark, and getting jabbed with sharp sticks through small holes in box. Made holes in my shirt, which made mommy mad, and her beats me then, for ruining shirt.
End TW
can get hugs, please?
:hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
andy, you're absolutely right that you're not to blame for her abuse. i'm just sorry she's in that kind of relationship. how horrible.
too often, the abuser is not held accountable for their actions, and the blame is placed somewhere else. my guess is that it feels safer to the son to blame someone other than his abusive father. i'm glad you're not taking that responsibility onto your own shoulders. i just wish she could get out.
big warm, loving hug to you, andy. i hope she can find her way back to you - i have no doubt that you are a very positive force in her life. fingers crossed and prayers flying, sweetie.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
san, thank you for the hugs. :)
Yeah, but it hard to take it sometimes. And cuz she so scared of Drs and such, that keeping her trapped too. Cuz of her ra/mc background, she too afraid if she lets them help her, she be giving up control of her life and be stuck in some horrorshow forever. Like she isn't now already.
if she could get away, then her abuser would be held accountable, cuz he would fail miserably at running his own life. He's proven that over and over by screwing everything up now, and blaming her for it. He bought expensive tv for his gf, but then blamed wife for not being better with her money so he can get his truck fixed. Nevermind that she pays nearly all the bills, and he and gone behind her back to issue stop payments on several of the checks.
Maybe now, with whatever's going on with her health, maybe now her abusive husband will finally get what's owed him. So many States, if not, all of the States here in the U.S. seem to have little to no legal recourse to help people like her, who are so far under their abuser's thumb that they can't help themselves. Seems the law only cares if children are involved. And even then, sometimes they drop the ball and kids get hurt even after the law knew about their situation and did nothing.
WE hope so too, that she can find us. We not change anything so she can contact us in any of the ways as before. Thank you for hugs and prayers, so nice to have them. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi Andyman,
I hope you will be able to get back in touch with your friend again.
:hug: to you, Andy.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on June 12, 2018, 02:41:16 PM
Hi Andyman,
I hope you will be able to get back in touch with your friend again.
:hug: to you, Andy.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
She called me on the 14th, from a friend's phone. I recognized the area code, so took the risk that it could have been her husbend. It was her! She sounded really good. I haven't heard that tone in her voice ever. Like there was no stress or anything. Made me cry tears of joy and relief.
Then the news...broke my heart. She had stroke. Made heart skip beat. She call us, so not forget us. but what her reemember? Said she is physically okay, but lost 75-80% of her sight, cuz stroke was in that area. But not sure if will be better, if some or all come back, or not at all. Also said not sure how her brain/mind is. Hasn't had to use it for anything really, so not know what things might be lost.
We told her we lover her so much and we still here for her and littles too. Made her cry several times when said love hr. Said we miss all of them, and littles need to hear that we still here and lovethem soo much.
Said she be careful not get in trouble from son or husband. So not sure when call again. So we not know what to do now...been this long. little andy miss his special friends. And special lady always help him get through hard stuff. We don't know what do now. Can't contact them. We wait....scared maybe lose them forever and never even know about it. Hurts so so much.
Thanks for :hug: Hope.
Sorry to hear that your friend went through such an ordeal. And hopefully she'll recover her sight, if not all then atleast some more. The brain is a funny thing, maybe it'll rewire some neurons to help her see more. I'm glad she called you and that you got to know what happened - and I hope she will be able to call you again soon so you can remain in touch.
I'll sit with you, while you wait, if you want?
Quote from: Sceal on July 02, 2018, 07:59:43 AM
Sorry to hear that your friend went through such an ordeal. And hopefully she'll recover her sight, if not all then atleast some more. The brain is a funny thing, maybe it'll rewire some neurons to help her see more. I'm glad she called you and that you got to know what happened - and I hope she will be able to call you again soon so you can remain in touch.
I'll sit with you, while you wait, if you want?
Thanks. I wish I knew she was safe now. But have no clue. I know it's possible, but I hope hers recovers better after she can get safely and permanently away from her criminally abusive husband. She's very afraid of him, and what he is capable of, as she's been living with that for over 27 years now. I feel so .... :blink: ??? :stars: :'(.
Yes, would be very nice haveing you sit with us. Thank you so much.
:hug: to you, Andy - I hope your friend will be ok. It must be hard to not be able to contact her easily. Wishing you the best and also her.
Hope :)
Thank you Hope. :hug: :hug: :hug:
WE did scary thing today. We looked on phone call list, found number that she called us from, and called it. Left voice mail...so...now we wait. HOpe we did right thing??? Did we? :stars: ??? :'( :'( :'( :fallingbricks:
Fingers crossed!
I didn't realize she was living with an awful and cruel man. I hope with you, that she will be safe sooner rather than later. And that she finds a way out!
Hi Andy,
I'm not sure there's ever a 'right' or a 'wrong' way to be/do things - we can only do what we think is the right thing - for us at the time, and so fingers crossed that your friend will be ok - and it's nice that you care about her, and that she has a friend in you.
Hope :)
Quote from: Sceal on July 06, 2018, 06:20:15 AM
Fingers crossed!
I didn't realize she was living with an awful and cruel man. I hope with you, that she will be safe sooner rather than later. And that she finds a way out!
Thanks Sceal. We won't know if never get contact reestablished. That is too scary to think about if never happens. Feel like giant hand squishing heart.
Hi Hope, We decided the risk was worth the reward....or punishment. So far we got nothing...so....not exactly bad? Meaning no bad words from angry people on phone. So....we decide to think that's okay. We really really appreciate all your hugs and support of everyone here. I KNOW we would be super struggling if not for all of you. Thank you everybody. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: for any who would like them.
Andy
best to you with all of this, andy. it sounds like it's an ordeal for everyone all the way around. i hope she's ok and will get better. very sad situation.
keep taking care of you, too, ok? we love you, too. big hug filled with warmth and compassion.
San, thank you. I don't know what to do....been a month now...since that phone call from her. :'( ??? :'( Our heart is breaking more and more everyday.
try to take care of us ...but so hard...hurts so much and piles on top of all our lives hurts too. Thank you for hugs...speciallly big warm ones! :bighug:
i don't know if there's anything you can do, andy. if you believe in prayer, that may help. faith that all will work out may help. other than that, i don't really know. i will send some vibes of hope and faith for her and you to the universe. also, love, of course. always love. :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
these are all filled with strength, hope, power of the universe, care, concern, resilience, comfort, and love love love. hold on tight - we won't let go.
Hi Andy,
I know you like the big warm hugs, so here are a few more for you:
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:hug: :hug:
Plus a couple of little hugs too.
Hope :)
Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 13, 2018, 01:52:33 AM
i don't know if there's anything you can do, andy. if you believe in prayer, that may help. faith that all will work out may help. other than that, i don't really know. i will send some vibes of hope and faith for her and you to the universe. also, love, of course. always love. :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
these are all filled with strength, hope, power of the universe, care, concern, resilience, comfort, and love love love. hold on tight - we won't let go.
Hi San,
We heard from our friend since our last post. Found out what happen, why no call. Her friend, that she used phone last time, was on vacation for a month. And my friend couldn't remmber our phone #. Her friend only got back on Saturday. We talk and cry for about an hour. Now that she got number from friend, she gonna try call at least once a week.
Said her vision has improved a tiny bit. But found out that she lost about 20 years of memory...mostly of her son's childhood. So...her sad about that.
Said that when in hospital, some of her littles had fronted and they were terrified and were acting out. When try make her take shower..water spray her face, triggering her badly and she run away. made our hearts hurt so much for them. Also littles had said stuff, cuz she got asked questions then, later about who or what was said. And she told them that she don't know....playing dumb. Cuz she not want to get into all that.
We told her how much we still love her. Asked if littles thought we abandoned them...was hard to say cuz made us cry to say. She says no...they understand that we didn't go. Again reminded them that we love them all so so very much.
Said something sorta funny. Now that she cant see well enough to run finances and stuff. Her not nice husband finding out very very quickly that all the stuff she did with money somehow made everything work and bills paid on time. He was so surprised that now he can't make it work. Always told her she dumb and stuff. So he ask her if money was always like that. Hers said back.."yeah, been telling you forever that you can't keep speinding money like you want and expect me to get bills paid. See..he would call bank to order stop check after she sent off bill payment. And other dumb stuff like that. So, at least for now he not blaming her for the money issues no more. Felt a little good to hear that.
Asked her if we was still okay. Said we stay for as long as she want if she want. Told us "yes please" So...we so so happy hear that. made us cry more. But good tears.
But now we waiting agian for next call. Wont be so hard...unless goes too long. So for now..we happy. Not know what future gonna be, or how it gonna be...no matter..we be happy as pigs in mud just to have her in our lives.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: Thank you so so much San!!!
Quote from: Hope67 on July 13, 2018, 10:30:43 AM
Hi Andy,
I know you like the big warm hugs, so here are a few more for you:
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:hug: :hug:
Plus a couple of little hugs too.
Hope :)
Awwwwwww, so sweet of you Hope!
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
i'm just glad everyone's ok, there's a no. now at which she can reach you, and that everyone is all good. that's the best news. love and hugs, andy and everyone else who may be around.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 17, 2018, 04:04:02 AM
i'm just glad everyone's ok, there's a no. now at which she can reach you, and that everyone is all good. that's the best news. love and hugs, andy and everyone else who may be around.
Thank you so much san. I really really appreciate that. She called me again, which was a lovely surprise. We had a really nice chat. However it seems what plans we were making are gonna have to be pushed back a year or two. :'( She's worth it though.
We like hugs! Thank you again. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi Andy,
Glad to see that your friend called you again - and that you had a really nice chat. Just sending you a hug :hug: - and wishing you a great weekend.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
Thanks. Still, I worry for her. Thank you so much for checking on me. I really appreciate that. :hug:
Hi Andy,
:bighug: :waveline:
I hope you're ok.
Hope :)
Hi Hope!!!
:bighug:
I'm okay. Things been real hard. My last Grandma is dying...she has end stage liver disease AND cancer of liver, or on her liver...among several other health issues. Been about 3-4 weeks now. There are no treatment options for her, as she is too weak and any of them would actually push her to her grave faster than her illnesses already are. At that time they gave her 2 months....and we're nearly out of the first month. So....she most likely won't make October.
And as for myself....everyday is a struggle...just to survive it all. BUT!!!!!! But got good news!!! Am now back in near daily contact with my special friend!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I sure hope you doing okay, too :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Just remembered somethig I wanted to share...
The other day I was speaking with my dad, whilst my mom was away...not sure how we got to it, but he told me that my mom was taking sedatives, back in the mid-late 70s...when I was little. I didn't say anything, but he said that those years were super super hard on her.
TRIGGER WARNING!!!
This confirmed for me a memory I have I her drugging me so I would sleep with out screaming nightmares. I remember her forcing it in me....supository....I was about 3. Also remember being completely naked too. This was an adult sized sedative...too big for little andy to swallow. I remember it hurt too. Then things got fuzzy and was no more. I think maybe I slept for a day or two. Or three. Seems a big blank for a while. That would have been an overdose for sure!!! Thanks mommy. :'( ??? :'(
Thank you so much BeHea1thy. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Yeah...eventual healing is my goal. Even just getting out of it alive works too! :bigwink:
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Quote from: Andyman73 on August 23, 2018, 02:21:51 AM
eventual healing is my goal.
:hug: to you Andy, and hope you are ok.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on August 26, 2018, 10:29:59 PM
Quote from: Andyman73 on August 23, 2018, 02:21:51 AM
eventual healing is my goal.
:hug: to you Andy, and hope you are ok.
Hope :)
Hi Hope :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
I'm doing okay. My grandma was ill and dying, she passed on Tuesday the 28th of August. So, I've been preoccupied with that. Also dealing with some new issues, too. Been a bit intense lately. Thank you so much for checking up on me.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 16, 2018, 06:22:07 PM
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:bighug: to you Andy
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on October 04, 2018, 09:14:39 AM
:bighug: to you Andy
Hope :)
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: Hope :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Hello everyone...please forgive my absense. Things just got to be too much. I miss you all terriblly. I am now divorced, as of the 18th of January. And becuase my support payments take nearly 65% of my net income, I'm being forced into bankruptcy. Sux, but I already decided to be okay with it. Most of my debt is from the marriage...she got the house and kids, and I got all the marital debt. And of course the support payments as well.
I am still in therapy...which is so so important. Love you all so so so so much!!!
Hey! Glad to see you again! :wave:
Dear Andy,
I am glad you're back, and sending you a big hug :bighug:
Cheering you on :cheer:
Wishing you the best.
Hope :)