Thinking back on the last 12 months or so, I don't think I've been doing so well.
I've made progress, by all means. But the depression is like a claw that never slips up. I thought a few weeks ago that Maybe, just maybe it was starting to let up. I had a week where I slept well, and most of my symptoms were in check. My anxiety levels were low, same with my shame and sadness levels. And then suddenly an emptyness. A void of motivation.
I know I want to study, I know I want to get healthy, get better, I know I want to become a better artist, to read books for enjoyment, hang out with friends. But at the same time... I don't. Or rather it's not that I don't want it, it's just that there's no motivation to do anything about anything.
No motivation to stay awake, no motivation to go back to bed.
I keep cancelling appointments except for the essentials. I KNOW I need to get out of the house, and socialize. I know the fresh air will do me good, and going to the gym will increase my dopamine levels.
Yet... I can't find my self to do what's good for me. Maybe I am in some way punishing myself because I wont be able to take the exam this semester and therefore feel I shouldn't be able to do anything else either. Maybe I don't think I am worthy of relief.
I don't know. I just needed to whine a little. I am frustrated that I can't make myself get out of the house.
Thank you for listening. And I am sorry for the self-pitying moan today, and lately.
I do not hear self-pitying or moaning; I hear self compassion and grief, two vital components in recovery.
Hang in there, IMO you're on the right track.
I want to send supportive thoughts and wishes. I know this territory and am sorry you are suffering. Please try to be kind to yourself.
sceal, i think it's part of the process of tackling this beast. we make progress, we enjoy the fruits of it for a bit, then we take those few steps back to a distressing place, be there for a while, then begin making pos. steps forward once more. you'll get thru this - i think it happens to most all of us, so we get it. like has been said, please be as gentle and as patient with yourself as possible. this, too, shall pass. sending a hug filled with love and compassion.
Thank you all for listening and for your kind words.
I will try to be kind, but it's difficult. It'd be easier if I could pause time a little, so I wouldn't feel so down about not accomplising my goals
Steal, I just hear someone that is suffering with depression- like myself, one day you have all the enthusiasm in the world and feel like no task is too hard, yet for the next week you can hardly get yourself out of bed and think about the next hour ahead.mits the most frustrating thing in the world, sometimes you have so much fight you want to conquer the world the next putting one foot in front of the other is too much. Depression and anxiety is all part of this cptsd nightmare, just take one moment at a time, do what you can do and make a positive out of that no matter how small it may seem, one step at a time is better then no step at all, just keep positive as much as you can manage to do so, you will get there don't dispare.
Depression and CPTSD are nasty conditions, Sceal, and they doesn't always react the way we want, even when we have the best intentions for healing. What I'm hearing isn't self-pity at all; it's just the truth of dealing with your trauma. It isn't pretty, but it's real and it's as worthy of your attention as anything else. Remember: the surface wound always heals faster than the internal wound. Maybe this is just your body and mind's way of telling you that you need to recharge before taking that next big step in your process. Maybe rest and self-compassion are exactly what is "best" for you right now, and that's okay.
Stay strong :hug: You're amazing for getting this far and we're all here to help you keep going.
:grouphug:
You guys are amazing! You are giving me the feels 😊 I am not sure how else to describe it.
I decided to do something good for myself today, so right now I am at the hairdresser getting my hair dyed in a colour ive wanted since I was a child. Itll be costly, the feeling of content in regards to this it wont last, but I will do my best to hold on to it as long as I can today. When things got too hard, this ia usually what I ended up doing. A quick change - a new colour. Normally at home.. but a treat is a treat right? And its not long til my birthday... so birthday present to myself.
Thank you guys for your support and kind affirming words. It means alot, it really does.
Hi Sceal,
It's great that you're having your hair cut and coloured - and it will be a colour you've always wanted from when you were a child - a great Birthday present, and I hope you enjoy your new look. :)
:hug: to you and wishing you a Happy Birthday for when the time comes.
Hope :)
Oooo what color? :D
Thak you Hope :) :hug:
Three Roses, I wanted to go for ginger, like proper ginger. I've wanted to be a freckled ginger since I was a child. But since I've 99% of the time dyed my hair at home I've never been able to get that colour. It's a little darker than I wanted, but when I have to go in and touch up the roots, I'll make them lighten it for me.
It's nice with a fresh colour! Doesn't look all dulled and washed out anymore :cheer:
Good for you I've heard that a new change such as haircut or colour can be very liberating and create a new you, it's something I've thought about too and plan on doing so when I'm feeling more up to it!!
Hi Eyessoblue.
It helps me. But it's been a long time since I dared - for some reason I didn't dare for the last year. I'm not even sure why, it always helped me in the past.
yay, you, sceal. what a very special treat for you and your birthday. and a very happy one to you when it gets here.
i often change my hair when i make a big change, especially to cut it and color it something very different from what i'd had. i don't know why, but it reflects a change of circumstances, mood, or something else that feels equally big. not too long after i moved here, i cut most of my hair off and put blue in it. loved it! i'm sure i'll do it again after my head heals.
so, onward, my dear. i'm so glad for you. keep taking care of you. sending you a hug filled with just the right color ginger for next time.
Quote from: Hope66 on November 07, 2017, 12:31:59 PM
Hi Sceal,
It's great that you're having your hair cut and coloured - and it will be a colour you've always wanted from when you were a child - a great Birthday present, and I hope you enjoy your new look. :)
:hug: to you and wishing you a Happy Birthday for when the time comes.
Hope :)
I second this!
Sceal, I had green hair for a while in an inpatient place and that had an energising and empowering effect. I wouldn't have dared IRL at the time (or now or ever).
Quote from: Blueberry on November 08, 2017, 12:35:15 AM
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I second this!
Sceal, I had green hair for a while in an inpatient place and that had an energising and empowering effect. I wouldn't have dared IRL at the time (or now or ever).
I think green was my first crazy colour. It was just a spray on thing at the time. But I've had partially green hair as an adult too. I've had all variants of brown, I've been blonde, white and grey. I've had black, blue-black, purple-black, purple, all variants of red, I've gone orange (though that one was an accident). I've had bright blue, dark blue. Pink, turqoise, green, multi-coloured. I've never done ombre though, I think I might if I manage to have patient to grow out my hair this time. The strangest times that happened when I had rainbow-colours were all the retired old men who'd walk up to me and tell me I looked great. ??? ;D
love it! :yourock:
Wow, Sceal. You must have a lot of interesting stories on how other people react. I wonder if the rainbow hair was a thing in those old men's prime time?
Enjoy that ginger hair. :cheer:
Quote from: DecimalRocket on November 12, 2017, 05:24:51 AM
Wow, Sceal. You must have a lot of interesting stories on how other people react. I wonder if the rainbow hair was a thing in those old men's prime time?
Enjoy that ginger hair. :cheer:
:) It was mostly positive to be honest. The craziest colours I only had in parts of my hair, because at the time I also worked as a medical secretary at a doctor's office.
I just wanted to pop by this thread to thank you for the inspiration, Sceal. I got to thinking about your fun hair and how low I've been feeling lately and decided that a change would be nice. So I hacked off about 7 inches and dyed it all purple - with help of course.
You guys are all so understanding and wonderful. Thank you for being here.
very cool, resca. may i age myself here and say that it sounds groovy. love it.
That's wonderful, Resca! I hope you are loving your new hair! :cheer:
Quote from: Sceal on November 14, 2017, 08:53:30 AM
That's wonderful, Resca! I hope you are loving your new hair! :cheer:
You, too, Sceal! And I love "groovy," sanmagic - "nifty" is another personal favorite :)
I feel the same way. I don't want to do anything and nothing makes sense. It happens to me all the time. Maybe thid can help:
Why do people go out and socialize? Because it makes them feel good
Why do people exercize? Because it makes them feel good.
Do you feel good when you socialize? Or rather it makes you feel anxious?
Do you really wanna exercize because it makes you feel good or rather because it makes you feel "not bad"?
Maybe you need to find another meaning in doing all that things. Ask yourself: "why would I do that?" And be honest.
Hope it helps, bye!
You're right BlancaLap.
When I was really active and enjoyed it, I did it for me. For my own benefit.
But that reason doesn't seem to be working for me these days. Maybe it isn't clear enough.
I'll have a think about it, thank you for your suggestion!
You're welcome!