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CPTSD and Others => Our Relationships with Others => Friends => Topic started by: songbirdrosa on November 12, 2017, 03:40:36 PM

Title: Realised my friend is toxic *NPD triggers*
Post by: songbirdrosa on November 12, 2017, 03:40:36 PM
Is there something about people like us that seemingly attracts narcissists? Because I realised today that one of my longest friends is one.

She is what I call a "1-upper", in that no matter what I do, she always has to be just a bit better than me. When we were kids, it was that she was a little bit taller (she even occasionally mentions that now). Or she finished a book a bit faster. Or she saw a movie/bought a CD first. Or she'd visited somewhere I hadn't. It made me feel really small. And to be honest, it kinda still does. Only now it's a little different. She always has to know something I don't; be the first to share a news story on Facebook, or find a funny meme. If I make any kind of error, she's the first to jump on it and correct me, usually in a very derisive and patronising way. And if something isn't of immediate interest to her, she ignores it.

But the thing that I noticed today that really threw me, is that if things are going well for me in comparison to her, she won't talk to me. Right now, I'm doing pretty well for example. I've moved to a new city, am studying, got casual work, and have a budding romance happening. And her? She hates everything about her life. Still living at home because she hasn't had a job in several years, her last ex fled because of her explosive temper and controlling attitude, and she doesn't follow through with any plan she makes. And she's taking out her dissatisfaction indirectly on me.

I ask her for advice about this guy? If she doesn't ignore it, she's telling me not to bother. I might mention how I've had a long few days in the studio. She'll look at the message, and never respond. The messages she does send me usually have no reference whatsoever to anything I say to her. If it's a topic that she didn't bring up, it might as well not exist. That is, on the rare occasions that her texts are anything other than spamming me with a dozen links to some shopping app.

To me, it seems like she's mad at me for doing more than sitting around with her dwelling on how good things were as teenagers. Like she's stuck, and she thinks I have to be stuck with her. I can't have more men than she does because she thinks she's more attractive than me. I can't move away because she's still in her hometown. I can't be doing well in my chosen career because she thinks she's smarter than me. But even when I was down in the depths, she wasn't there to help me. Well, she was, when it was convenient for her.

I think I need to fade away from this person.
Title: Re: Realised my friend is toxic *NPD triggers*
Post by: Dee on November 12, 2017, 03:49:32 PM

I feel sometimes people grow in different ways.  I learned about having a circle of friends.  There are the friends that you keep on the outer part of the circle.  Some friends you draw in a little bit more and of those, the very few you bring towards the center.  Maybe it is a friend that belongs on the outer edge while you carefully decide who to bring towards the center.  It is also an ongoing process, people can change places.
Title: Re: Realised my friend is toxic *NPD triggers*
Post by: Three Roses on November 12, 2017, 03:54:25 PM
I think people like us are understandably more tolerant and accepting of others. Whether or not she's a bonafide narcissist, she certainly sounds rather toxic.

I think I would have been exactly like her if I'd taken a different fork in the road, so my heart involuntarily goes out to her. Maybe that's it - maybe we just see the damage in them and relate somehow to the pain underneath.

You are worth having a friend who views friendship as a two way street and not a dead end alley. Big hugs to you!
Title: Re: Realised my friend is toxic *NPD triggers*
Post by: Blueberry on November 12, 2017, 07:05:37 PM
Aside from us being more tolerant as 3Roses says, some of us are possibly too tolerant to the detriment of self. I have trouble setting limits in general so to friends as well. I'm practised at putting up and shutting up. Idk if that's your case or if you have healed enough to move on a bit from that.

This one-upper thing reminds me of a friend /acquaintance from whom I've just parted company. She's a one-upper in healing / therapy. She also has CPTSD and her comments were often about showing me how she's further along and asking me questions in a therapist-like way without being a (good) therapist, so I just got triggered. They were along the lines of: "how could you possibly still be doing this?". I decided I don't need that in my life. Not at all. Not even a case of allowing her to subside to the back. Well actually she vetoed that herself so...

I'm happy to hear you are doing pretty well atm  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: You're worth having a friend who can celebrate that with you.
Title: Re: Realised my friend is toxic *NPD triggers*
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 13, 2017, 01:36:45 AM
i agree with the idea that this relationship is toxic.  i've also had them go the other way, where the other person always made sure to tell me how much worse they had it than me, and all the hardships that entailed.  it was like they were jealous, and believed that somehow they couldn't be happy unless i was miserable.  or just even no matter what problem i might have, they always had one that was worse.  instead of one-upping, they one-downed. 

and, yep, they are no longer in my life. 
Title: Re: Realised my friend is toxic *NPD triggers*
Post by: Rainagain on November 14, 2017, 09:09:51 AM
Its quite common for people to be like this.

If you tell them you went to Timbuktu they respond that they have been to timbukthree........

Its about insecurity in them I guess.
Title: Re: Realised my friend is toxic *NPD triggers*
Post by: songbirdrosa on November 15, 2017, 03:47:09 AM
I decided to not to initiate conversations, and wouldn't you know it, I've barely heard anything from her. Except more links to her shopping apps, which annoyed me to the point that I actually muted notifications from her. Maybe this is going to be easier than I thought
Title: Re: Realised my friend is toxic *NPD triggers*
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 16, 2017, 07:32:24 PM