Hi lovelies. So this whole move of publicly exposing sexual predators in the workplace environment - beginning with Hollywood and heading into congress - its pretty big and is only going to get bigger. On one hand I am overjoyed as its well overdue (WELL OVERDUE) on the other hand it's shining a light on something so many of us have lived and are grappling with, bringing up emotions and memories. Whether we spoke up or stayed silent - whether we lived with those who enabled the abusers - this can be a huge, perhaps *unwelcome* reminder of our own scenarios no matter how long ago things happened. Or... it could look like there are people starting to stand up to mistreatment and abuse of other humans - and the huge misuse of power. It's ugly, and widespread. But we are not alone, you are not alone. Strength in numbers! #Metoo XX
Hi there, honestly I get a mix of emotions and feelings as I read about it. I am glad that something is finally starting to be done but it is difficult to have so many constant reminders of what my life was for so many years
Hi Elphanigh, yes i understand - its everywhere and so unfair when we more than likely had no support to deal with it, then and maybe even now. I am standing with you! XXX
Glad you understand! I am lucky now to have proper support, but back then I certainly didn't. I am sitting with you now, hoping you also have gotten lucky enough to have some support
Please don't be mad, okay?
This really bothers me.
I am voiceless and invisible. :disappear:
I am unseen and unknown.
I'm not in the news, or social media.
I don't exist.
I am not real.
I am a man.
I am a survivor of adult SA by both male and female perps. Including my own wife.
There is no movement or hashtag for the likes of me.
What about me(too)?
Good insight, Andyman! IMO your experiences are worthy of the #metoo movement. You don't have to be separated into your own category unless you want.
hi Andyman73, I hear you, and stand with you. This too is for you!!!! #youtoo are a #metoo and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I purposely kept it gender free as I know and have met so many amazing men who are struggling with their abuse and are also trying to find a place to be heard and feel support... well, its here! And a few other places too. But definitely not mad and I am sorry its so hard to be a man and to feel like you have to crack through the pressure of just "handling it", "manning up" and all those other toxic cultural weights that don't bring life. Glad you are here and thanks for adding to the comments X
Quote from: Three Roses on November 29, 2017, 02:06:25 PM
Good insight, Andyman! IMO your experiences are worthy of the #metoo movement. You don't have to be separated into your own category unless you want.
Thank you 3Roses. I really appreciate you seeing me. I've seen other places where people were upset that some where trying to jump on the #metoo bandwagon. I know it was started for women to say "me too". And I don't want to take anything away from that. I think it's far beyond time to have public recognition on this global epidemic.
I don't want to be separated out. That has been my whole life. Always separated out. Never included. Not wanted. Picked last, or never picked at all.
Quote from: deptofhearts on November 29, 2017, 02:12:03 PM
hi Andyman73, I hear you, and stand with you. This too is for you!!!! #youtoo are a #metoo and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I purposely kept it gender free as I know and have met so many amazing men who are struggling with their abuse and are also trying to find a place to be heard and feel support... well, its here! And a few other places too. But definitely not mad and I am sorry its so hard to be a man and to feel like you have to crack through the pressure of just "handling it", "manning up" and all those other toxic cultural weights that don't bring life. Glad you are here and thanks for adding to the comments X
Hi deptofhearts, thank you for standing with me. No body told me I wasn't, just, felt like it wasn't for me. Didn't want to jump on bandwagon that wasn't for me. I've been unseen, in other places, when I said that I've been there and done that too. So...I don't do that anymore. This stuff is hard enough as it is. And I understand if some can't have or refuse to allow that men are victimized too. It's acceptable that I was physically abused as a child. It's also acceptable that I was sexually abused as a child. There are organizations for that. It's not acceptable that I was sexually abused as an adult. That's why there aren't any organizations for men who were sexually abused as adults. Or the victim of DV relationship abuse, either. At least, not that I've been able to find.
I try to be very very careful to not inflate my own experience. I know how it feels, to be looked at like a freak or evil monster. Got that a few times at the local DV shelter, from some of the female clients. Nothing points out the obvious more than a look of horror and disdain. Felt guilty cuz I'm a guy, and most were there cuz of bad guys. Is okay though, some of wife's friends look at me that way too. I'm used to it
Andyman, I'm not following the #Metoo movement at all. But I can stand with you in empathy too because I suffered CSA at the hands of a woman, my mother. I have been not believed including by therapists a number of times. Ts have even asked if I was sure it wasn't my father. Yes, I am. It's hard. Safe :hug:
andy, and everyone else, my heart goes out to all of you. what's going on, all this sudden exposure of what's been happening to people by those with some kind of perceived power (literal or figurative) over them - i can't imagine how frustrating it's been for all of you to be afraid, to not be believed, to not be supported, and to get no closure.
love and hugs all around.
I've not followed it. It's private. I get the idea, but it isn't my choice.
Quote from: Blueberry on November 30, 2017, 08:59:07 PM
Andyman, I'm not following the #Metoo movement at all. But I can stand with you in empathy too because I suffered CSA at the hands of a woman, my mother. I have been not believed including by therapists a number of times. Ts have even asked if I was sure it wasn't my father. Yes, I am. It's hard. Safe :hug:
I think the #metoo is on FB. Wife forced me off FB 8-9 years ago.
I've heard more than a handful of people say that too, that they were questioned if the abuser was their father and not their mothers, even though they had said it was their moms.
san,
Thank you. I never had to worry about being believed...I never knew, it was all suppressed. But what ever I was telling my parents...they never believed anything I said.
TRIGGER WARNING** Sexual harassment
As I'm seeing it, the #metoo movement mostly has to do with sexual harassment/assault in the workplace, but I could be narrowing the definition. Either way, it disgusts me, and I am completely bothered by each new story.
Today I was listening to a morning radio show and the DJ kept saying, "You can't give a woman a compliment anymore." He told a story about Mark Zuckerberg's wife being on a commercial flight where a man kept making lewd comments to her and touching her without her consent. The DJ's take was that it's impossible to "hit on" a woman any longer. Um...no. There's a BIG difference. It made me sick.
What's worse is that my husband is playing that game, too. What's bad about that is that he was there when I went through my own problems with sexual harassment in the workplace. We worked together. I was about 22-years-old and worked with a guy twice my age alone on Sundays. He would move in really close and put both hands up close to me and ask if he could get a little squeeze. He would ask me if I wanted a taste of his "big black mamba" and tell me about how his wife was too small to pleasure him. I reported it and was basically told that I should maybe stop wearing tight t-shirts (by a female human resources person) and that "he's a good guy" (by my male boss). They left me working alone with him even after I'd complained. Oh, and even after they talked to him, he kept it up...but this time a few feet from the boss as a show of "you can't touch me."
I know a gal who worked at Paramount Pictures. She recently posted a picture of herself and a friend to Facebook. A former colleague from Paramount said something about not wanting to sound like Harvey Weinstein, but then went on to point out how large her breasts looked. Really?
*triggers ahead *
hi Kat - ahhh that sounds like a crappy situation, sorry your husband didn't back you up. Totally can relate to it all bothering you, myself having been affected by it... as a singer/musician I have been harassed, assaulted, raped and all kinds of sleazy guys (one stalking sleazy woman too) - they all felt at ease to do this. Usually with some authority too - and even speaking up, toppling these people from their position is very hard indeed. Having been abused as a kid already broke down my personal barriers and it was hard to stick up for myself and feel strong to stand up to it all. Its similar to being bullied and sadly becoming a magnet to other bullies in the future.
Soooo seeing these people speaking up and going into battle makes me happy! And angry! But mostly relieved. thanks for telling your workplace story, its hard. Am standing with you X
*TW*
Everyone who has harassed me has been promoted in some way. Even when I reported them. I was raped, sexually harassed and bullied, and the target of character assassination. I stood up for myself.
My professional prospects disappeared. Theirs have flourished.
Contessa,
I am so very sorry that you've been retaliated against, indirectly, but still very strongly like that. Do you have copies of the reports? If so, you certainly have grounds for a lawsuit against your employer, if you wish to go that way. You are the perfect example of one of the biggest reasons people never reported any of their workplace harrassment and abuse. Because so many employers do as they've done to you. I am so sorry.
As for me, there is no reporting option. I don't recall any sexual abuse or harrasment at my workplace. And all the others...I've got no idea who, what, or where...so, kinda leaves me out in the dark for that anyhow.
Yeah i've been told several times that I do, yes.
Short answer, no. Nothing was handled properly in my opinion. I have my recordings and email trail... but I fought so hard that finally shutting off has given me the emotional break.
I'll admit the anger has been seething
I'm sorry it has been so unfair.
It's lucky we are strong, but it doesn't take the pain away. Seething anger is pain that is hard to live with, is a very real anguish.
Be kind to yourself, when you can
Yeah that it is. Thanks Rad. Am always grateful for your support during that nasty assassination x
Contessa,
I'm so sorry you got treated the way you did, both the sa/r and from your employer too.
Thank you Andyman. And sorry for that little spat, all, we're all dealing with unbelievable weight.
Quote from: Contessa on December 15, 2017, 01:55:18 AM
Thank you Andyman. And sorry for that little spat, all, we're all dealing with unbelievable weight.
Spat? Not see it. Sounded like righteous indignation to me. But I not normal, not see things right...or left, sometimes.
Andy :phoot:
Ha, yeah. Thanks Andyman. Just felt like I hijacked the thread to make it about me.
Back to it.
Quote from: Contessa on December 15, 2017, 10:55:56 AM
Ha, yeah. Thanks Andyman. Just felt like I hijacked the thread to make it about me.
Back to it.
Sometimes, I'm guilty of hijacking threads too. Try hard not to, though, always feel real bad afterwards.
Andy :phoot:
hey Contessa, super sad to hear that... SO UNFAIR. I can understand you seething with anger - I know the feeling well.
I believe you and am amazed in your fight - you stood up for yourself and thats awesome. Like super awesome. Channel channel channel that anger! Writing, kickboxing, art... got to keep our anger from settling in us (all of us), keep it moving and processing. Especially when we've met a brick wall and we don't get the justice, but only salt rubbed in the wound. Great to hear from you and don't worry about hijacking threads, fine by me! we are never going to be perfect in a setting like this XXX
Thank you depth of hearts.
Yeah, very unfair. I was just trying to do my work, that's it. At first I was getting accolades, something I had never experienced before. It was good. But that didn't suit some people, all men.
Weird experiencing a downfalls (yeah more than one) when you haven't done anything to anyone. They got ahead, I no longer have any professional prospects in that field.
Contessa,
They don't deserve your wonderful talents anyway! I hope you find better and brighter prospects in your very near future!
Andy :phoot:
#metoo.
#invisible
#silenced
It contributed greatly to the recent turn of events - maybe I should show gratitude that it forced me into therapy, although the introspection has turned me inside out. It makes me feel more of an outsider. More broken.
Rowan
Rowan,
You not outsider..here, you insider. Not broken more...just starting to understand what brokeness is there already. Me....I been getting lots of that eversince leaving future abusive ex-wife.
safe :hug: if okay.
Yes. On one hand, it was liberating & empowering seeing those women have a court victory, but then when they give graphic details of their stories on TV or news, it is very triggering. It's not the kind of thing I want to just hear about out of the blue & get all the bad memories going again. It's definitely a double-edged sword. The hard part about it is that when I see a story come up in the news, because I am a survivor of several scenarios, I feel automatically compelled to read or watch about what they went through. I was like this many years ago too before I was aware that I had been SA. Always drawn to reading the books of celebrities describing their SA. What is that? Why the compelling need to know the stories, when I know they will be triggering or painful? What is that about? Why can't I just say to myself, no, don't read or watch that. You don't need the trigger. There are times I've done that, but most of the time I give in.
p.s. andyman73 - regarding the feeling of being left out, I can understand because for me that feeling comes from being an adult survivor of narcissists/borderline who are COVERTS. I cannot really point to obvious overt behavior that most associate with abuse (like physical or verbal) - most of what I've been through is not visible, it is hidden but soul-crushing nonetheless. I constantly feel the need to shout out 'my abusers are COVERTS! you might think they seem like great people! no one can see but the damage is infinite! Maybe they did do things overt - but there's not enough proof' ... so I hear where you're coming from. As for #MeToo, you are absolutely included.
SE7, hi, been struggling to come here, but finally got my own computer in my room, so ... not have to worry about brother's family seeing something I don't want to have to explain or answer quesionts about. But that only goes for that particular issue! ;) Or one of them being on it. ;)
I had to stop watching news and even most tv shows as more and more memories came back. Even now I watch very little news and I take each show on a case by case basis. I really enjoyed watching Law And Order; SVU. I was always rooting for Ice-T and Mariskay Hartigay, and so on, to get those evil perps and lock them away! Have to be real careful with that one now. I do wonder maybe, that subconciously, you were watching to see the justice being served to the evildoers.
Covert, yes! Soon to be ex was quite adept at that! Nobody knew or was aware, beyond my own kids. I tried my best to not look like a beat down, whipped, broken man, when we were out in public together.
Thank you for including me. I really appreciate that.