One thing that came up during my therapy session today was potential, and how people who have been injured by childhood neglect and abuse often don't meet theirs. My psychologist brought up an enlightening point. That if you have such a past, it's like you're running a race from a length behind everyone else. She said to me: "You started life with a handicap. You have to run further, work harder, and be conscious of things that other people don't. It's not fair, but that's what your parents gave to you."
I've been thinking about it, and it's made me rather sad. I - like many people in this situation I believe - am a very intelligent person, and am only now just starting to recognise my own positive character traits. So thinking about what I could have been if not for being unlucky enough to be born into the wrong family, I feel like I've had something stolen from me. What could I have done if I wasn't being told all the time how useless I was? How would my talents have grown and flourished if only someone had bothered to nurture them? Where could I have been by now if I hadn't been chasing the pack right from the beginning?
I guess I'll never know.
I wanted to study psychology, become a therapist to help people because that's what I genuinely loved doing. My parents laughed, said "That won't suit you" and told me I should just study History or something instead. So yeah, I get that. I feel like my career path and skills would be so much broader and deeper if I just had some encouragement. But I feel lost. People ask me all the time "What are you studying at Uni?" And I always reply quietly and shamefully; "I'm not in Uni..." but of course it's expected people my age to be in Uni studying something, furthering your education. But I just haven't figured out what I've really wanted to do, I don't know what I'm good at. I wanted to try new things but was discouraged to do so and now I feel stuck. It's rather depressing.
I can relate, I feel robbed of my life.
Had lots of potential but that in itself was just used to break me, so my potential became a weapon my abusers could use against me too. They'll use anything they've got.
Life filled with chronic physical torment and shortened to half of what it would have been without physical abuse.
Never a moment without fight/flight.
I still have all this potential but now I know it'll go to waste. I had wanted to help other people and I learned and it's too late now.
"Robbed" is just right, it sums it up.
ditto here. also, because of the physical effects. i'd have written more if i could concentrate and focus, could have become fluent in span. after living in mex. for 16 yrs. (i can hold a stilted conversation, but have a difficult time understanding. however, i know a lot of medical terms. haha). absolutely robbed.
also robbed of the pleasures of human contact because i couldn't feel the feelings of happiness or being loved (even tho i logically knew i was/am loved). just pretty much floated thru most of my life, floated past, around, and over people. couldn't connect on an emotional level. robbed indeed.
My therapist tells me I was robbed all the time. However, we try to balance the past with the future. She is constantly telling me I write my own book and need to focus on the chapters to come. I can't change the past, but the future is up to me. She also talks about driving my car of life.
The past is something to grieve and process. The future is up to me.
songbirdrosa, I can so relate. :hug:
Yes, absolutely. Makes me angry and bitter sometimes, and has taken many years for me to no longer live in that anger.
But when I'm able to be present and clear, I also recognize it has carried a gift with it: I am more aware and empathetic and strong -- larger-- than I could otherwise have been.
QuotePosted by: songbirdrosa
« on: November 29, 2017, 10:42:14 PM » Insert Quote
QuoteOne thing that came up during my therapy session today was potential, and how people who have been injured by childhood neglect and abuse often don't meet theirs.
I relate to this feeling you describe Songbirdrosa. For many years I felt like I was running up a downward escalator covered in thick treacle with ankle weights on my feet. I was waiting to start living, waiting for my youth to begin, waiting and waiting to feel alive, participate in life normally. It was so frustrating watching people soar ahead of me in their careers, when I knew I was capable - I proved this at uni with top grades.
Now, instead of being angry and frustrated with the people who have harmed me, I am looking at the experience as a gift of awakening, a gateway to knowledge and wisdom, and personal growth, that I wouldn't have attained with a normal life. After all, what is 'normal'? It's people thinking and acting in a largely unconscious manner, unaware of their 'programming' - the source of their beliefs, the immense power of their childhood conditioning and culture. Normal is a largely materialistic, judgemental value system.
I agree with Gwyon. I feel more aware and empathic than I most likely would have been if life had been smooth.
Perhaps some doorways have been blocked, career paths proven too challenging to navigate with CPTSD, and maybe those paths were not meant for us. There are, however, others we can unearth and/or create. We are creators of our own destiny. We just need to find that spark inside us that knows what we came here for, and follow it. Planting seeds is the first step. I believe many of us came here to help spread awareness of the trauma being inflicted on humanity, to help bring this unconscious disconnect from the heart to the light and heal it. The more work we do on ourselves, the more light and healing we can bring to the planet. :grouphug:
AphoticAtramentous - It sounds like you do really know what you want to do and just lack confidence. I hope you will follow your dream one day. The world needs more healers and therapists who understand trauma.
Yes, I can relate, Rosa.
I'm a STEM student where I am. I'm dedicated and fascinated by what I'm learning, but sometimes I feel like I'm not at my greatest potential. I keep missing classes because of my EFs and hypervigilance to sound, and ocasionally get sick when it's too much. Even when I'm in class, I might be too anxious to learn.
I grew up a smart kid — some would call me pretty much a genius — but I only reserve that word when actual intelligence does something great to the benefit of society, and me? Nah. Intelligence seemed to be the only way to have grabbed the attention I deeply lacked in life, and so the pressure around that trait has built up. I don't want to be one of those stories of prodigies — though I'm nowhere near their level, who end their lives because the expectations around them were too high, even for them.
Well, I guess it takes time. I was born smart and curious, but I wasn't born kind. Wasn't born hard working. Wasn't born with wisdom in life. . . that all this trauma has given me. What's the use of being smart when you don't use it for others really.
Eh. Take care. :hug:
Reply #11 on: January 31, 2018, (from old server)
One of the biggest issues I have with myself is hardly being able to work and certainly not being able to work enough to earn my keep, but OTOH due to other issues I have like the amount of effort that goes into setting boundaries, I sure would not want to go back to roommates, in order to spend less money on rent. It was OK when I was a student, but I couldn't imagine it now.
I think that if I'd grown up with less emotional and psychological abuse alot of things - including earning enough money to live off - would have been a lot easier. I'm intelligent, I have good qualifications, I have good, useful and creative ideas, I'm a hard worker, I'm responsible and I used to be reliable. When it comes to decision-making, IC gets pretty loud and I self-harm compulsively. If any person puts pressure on me now, I go into an EF where all sorts of bad things can happen, especially brain blockages.
I think that if I'd grown up without physical and sexual abuse I wouldn't be so frightened of intimate relationships and I might even have had a partner at some point in my life.
Despite the good I got from FOO, I do feel robbed if I think about it.
Feel robbed? Yep, but what's the biggest after-effect?
For me, it's easy to identify what I feel robbed of --motivation, self-justification; proving that I exist, that I'm a smart, worthy person not looking for favouritism or recognition as much as just an equal footing with others not because I'm so special but just a fellow human.
I have lots of opportunities I could pursue--job and/or otherwise--that I find appealing, and that I know I'm more than capable of being good at; and, in the case of paid jobs, have enormous talents and qualifications beyond that of many others. But I don't reach out, the feeling always overtakes me along the lines of I wasn't wanted before when I was also a good person, and I'm not about to have to devise a story about my worthiness when I already am.
I didn't sign on to be a self-promoting chest-thumping have to prove myself being. As someone once noted, I hate conflict, especially being in one myself. I'd prefer to run away.
I think mere survival took it all out of me and nor in a poor-me sense. That was a major accomplishment that's still working itself out, not always in pleasant ways. The other part of it was the fact that I tried so hard during the height of my early years and came up with the same treatment. I don't feel defeated so much as drained.
As some noted in this thread, maybe all of that left me with some positive traits, too. Being hyper-vigilant and guarded can feel irksome, for instance; but it can also save one from falling for the false values and hypocrisy rampant in so much of modern life. I think aspects of abuse sharpened my insights in certain ways.
It still doesn't eras the awful loneliness of having one's life essence stolen by 'care' givers. I'm not a robbery victim, per se, but the heart says something's missing that I can't find. And I'm tired of the whole works--especially the striving and foolhardy journey to find the answer, just over the next hill.
Yes I do, robbed of ever being a child. Growing up having to take care of my alcohoholic family from such a young age, having to make decisions I didn't know how to make, not attending school due to exhaustion at such a young age.
Now I'm a middle age adult and still feeling robbed of being able to know how it feels to be happy, to know how it feels to be loved to know that actually I am an ok person. Life is robbing me away and I feel like I can't do anything about it.
Yes, I agree and feel the same way. It feels like I just skipped my whole childhood for an unpaid internship taking care of an abusive adult and I'll never get it back, and I wasn't even allowed to admit that I was being abused so I had no explanation for why I couldn't cope with anything or function normally.
Yes. I fought it though and became a strong person. The things I learned to do for myself made functioning practically in this world much easier, and therefore more accomplished than my peers.
Then 'un-specified fecal matter' hit the fan. I'm no lobger winning the battles
I've always felt the injustice from a personal relationship point. Because of the damage my parents sustained and the negative body image they unintentionally reinforced through the years, my interpersonal path has really suffered and been delayed. Relationships are tough as is. Then you throw into the mix a terror of waking up one day and having a repeat of someone you loved and trusted walking out with no warning and no explanation.
I will say I am thankful for my experiences from a professional career way - it's given me a focus and guiding light on having a drive and need to have C-PTSD added to the DSM as a valued and respected diagnosis within the clinical mental health community. I've got an advantage in my classes with other students who aren't sure one exactly the therapist they want to become and if they'll have a specialty or not. I know without a doubt, I want to learn as much about trauma and the dissociative selves and attachment disorders as possible, to add to research and foundations of therapy tools geared towards C-PTSD specifically. It gives me a purpose, and that purpose is something I really hold onto when I'm having rougher days.
Yes, I can so relate. I have been a bit focused on this thought lately as well. Generally the message is "it's never to late to start a new life!" Well, it is too late to start the life I WANTED and had the potential to create! Sure, I can change directions and make things better, include some hobbies I enjoy, etc. Be satisfied for being as fortunate as I am.
But I do get resentful and SAD that the very things I had potential of excelling at have always been sabotaged, from an early age through early adulthood. I was berated and belittled for my interests. I was told to get my head out of my * (As a young child) for being interested in music and art. I was not allowed to do things that were perceived as what "a boy would do" by my mother, so that eliminated the rest of my interests (my sport, skateboarding). If it cost any money or time spent taking me somewhere, it was an automatic no. If she could tie danger into it, she would use that as a reason as well. She just didn't want me to excel.
Now I'm almost 52. What am I going to do? Start a career in music? No, but I learn and play for a hobby. And the younger people, and teachers, are all amazing, and have wonderful supportive parents, I notice. It's kind of a trigger for me, when I see how free and confident they are, and see them interacting with their parents, who are so kind, supportive and respectful of their grown kids (even the 18 year olds get respect).
I worked in the teaching realm for most of my adult life. However, I really struggled with relationships- coworkers, students, bosses. Especially in 20's and 30's. Now I work from home online, hidden away with reduced interpersonal stress. I see now why it was like this.
I could go hop on a skateboard or try out for a team, if I want to break an ankle! But, I settle for appreciating being active and able to do physical activity in some capacity. I had the potential to play at the highest level. At least try out. But I was disallowed. Back then in your 20's you were considered too old. I was often told I was too old for this that and the other by my mom. Too old to go to college at age 24. And I felt shame and ridiculous for wanting to go at such an old age. I was really brainwashed.
So, I do feel for you and understand. I'm really mad at myself for not "rebelling" and just doing my thing once I left home, but in hindsight, I was extremely brainwashed and extremely trauma bonded. Her plan worked I guess.
Oranrose - The word "robbed" came to mind for me too recently, after a negative interaction with my abusive mother and oldest sister. I have often felt like I was robbed of "normal" -- just plain normal parent who didn't undermine me, make comments about my body, make bigoted comments, or unleash rage at the drop of a hat. We were robbed of something really essential and I think it's important to acknowledge that and experience that disappointment/grief. I used to think at some point, we have to stop blaming our parents. But I also think we have to fully explore or name what has happened before we can get to that point of either acceptance or forgiveness.
Maybe since you used the metaphor of being robbed, having something taken from you, you can make a point of giving yourself something special. For no reason at all. A massage (if that doesn't trigger), a trip, special dinner out, whatever makes you feel good.
very well said, sadie
I also feel robbed. I could have stood up for myself when being bullied, I could have chosen to walk out of the church I was part of, I could have chosen who to live with and where to live . . . and because I let people walk on me and bully me, I was robbed of a lot of things that I could have experienced that I'll never have the chance to do again.
I literally *ACHE* over the life I have had due to what was done to me/what might have been.
I especially identify with the bit about noticing the good parents pattern with kids in creative areas. Im middle age also and am struggling to find my way because I am only just finding out who I am, what I can do, and trying to cope in this big scary world of ours *without* having had any kind of role models, training or help to guide me.
Absolutely I feel robbed. :pissed: I'm at a time in my life where I'm going to retire soon and I have no idea who I am - me, personally. the only thing I was taught by my family was how to survive and just barely at that.
I was too busy trying to survive as a child, then as a teenager on my own, to figure out what I liked or what I wanted to do. I finally escaped when I was 17 and I found very quickly that I could act like others at work and get positive recognition for what I did. I never fit in anywhere as a child and I barely do as an adult but I identify with my job (I also became a workaholic). But this phase of my life is coming to an end in a few years. Now I need to figure out who I am. What do I like? What is my passion? Instead of being like others that I admire, I want to be myself but it's pretty scary and I wish I knew who I was a lot sooner than now - the clock is ticking you know? I keep wondering if the person that I've become is really me? A strange question but I've been thinking about it for a while.
And I often wonder what it would be like if the abuse hadn't happened, if I had grown up in a loving family. I would probably know how to handle the acceptance of love in a normal relationship. Would I have had any dreams or goals and would I have gone after them?
I was with my 3 year old grand-daughter last weekend and it hit me that I was the same age that she is now when the abuse started. It hurts my heart thinking that anybody could even think of sexually abusing a baby like that. She will have the childhood that I never had that's for sure and she will never know what my childhood was like. We have so much fun together and through her eyes & laughter, I can experience a little bit of what I should have had in mine.
So yes I was robbed even if I didn't know I was being robbed at the time. Not only robbed by the abusers but by the family who knew and did nothing to protect me (their youngest of 6 children) because the main abuser was contributing to the family finances - and it kept happening for over 13 years just because of $. No wonder I have no self-worth (that's another thing that was robbed from me)
Sorry for rambling, :blahblahblah: but thank you for posting and allowing my feedback. I guess I needed to get that off my chest.
I also feel profound sadness over the life I should have had. There was so much happiness I could have experienced. I think of what I could have achieved and accomplished. Instead, I was set up for a life of sadness and pain.
I try very hard to focus on my life ahead and not dwell on the past. I am 44 and although the first half of my life has been marked with sadness and fear, the second half can be amazing. I also count myself as "lucky" that I was able to get help and I can still have many decades of happiness. I remember there are many people who never get help and never experience true happiness and joy. I still have time to achieve my deepest hopes and dreams--even if not as much time as I would like.
I loved the idea that I read about on this site that people who recover from C-PTSD have a "profound" awakening and deeper appreciation of life than people who have never experienced trauma. Now I'd rather I never experienced the trauma, but since I can't change that, I will be thankful for the spiritual enlightenment that can come from having overcome it.