Out of the Storm

Hi, all. I'm new to this site but excited to start connecting with others. Two new big things in my world:

1. My brother-in-law died over the Thanksgiving weekend. He was an alcoholic, and, in short, his body couldn't take it when he tried to stop drinking this time.

I've been providing a lot of support to my sister, and it's been tricky keeping my boundaries and staying centered with her understandably strong emotions.

2. I'm switching health insurance plans, which means I need to find a new therapist after 11 years. While not an ideal situation, I find that I'm doing OK with it. And, strangely, I'm even a little intrigued about working with someone else who might help my healing journey in new ways.

Despite all of this, I'm feeling thankful for having a supportive partner and an established self-care routine to help me manage around all of this change.

Peace,
Randal

well, randal, i'm very glad for you that you have that support and self-care in place.  so important.

i do hope you have the chance to meet a new t who will further your recovery.  maybe this was a good thing in disguise - i do hope so.  they may take you in different directions, but ones that will help clarify or lead to new realizations for you. 

best to you with this.  here's a hug full of strength in keeping those boundaries with your sister. 

So, I got some decent sleep last night. (I think. Sometime's it's hard to tell.) But woke up in a mental fog. Couldn't motivate myself right away but ended up dashing out the door to attend a mindfulness meditation session.

It was absolutely worth it. Just a lovely experience all around. Quiet and grounding. And I even got a hug from a former colleague who happened to be at the same workshop.

But after eating lunch, I just felt so off. I think the meditation put me squarely in touch with my body and made me keenly aware of my exhaustion from dealing with so much: attending my brother-in-law's funeral, my sister's powerful distress about her husband's passing and her financial situation, my partner's lingering illness that's kept him on antibiotics for weeks, my BFF losing her job, and having to navigate finding new health insurance, which stresses me out. Oh, and it's the holidays.

While I'm not in acute distress, I am feeling somewhat dented. Sometimes I'm not sure what else to do when I'm already doing "all the things." My wellness routine is squarely in place. But I guess I need to make some adjustments or to try some new variations.

That's in part why I joined this forum and tried the new meditation workshop this morning. I'll keep looking for other ways to enliven or supplement my self-care. Suggestions welcome. :)

i hear ya, randal.  i've found that for myself - doing all the things i know how to do, yet not feeling quite together. 

sometimes i think it's just a period of time that we have to get thru, even if it feels messy while we're in it.  you have so much going on right now emotionally that i think it may be the circumstances rather than you, yourself, that are kind of knocking you off balance.

i'm glad for you that you found a meditation/mindfulness gig that works for you.  but i can also see how, as you're absorbing all these emotional pummels, your body might be speaking differently to you.

one thing i've found helpful, even if it sounds trite, is 'this, too, shall pass'.  hang tough, my dear - hangin' right beside you.  warm, caring hug to you.

After weeks of intensive contact with my sister following the death of her husband, a few days went by when I hadn't heard from her at all. She wasn't responding to my texts--simple updates from me, not direct questions--and I started to get nervous, to the point where my body began to spasm with fear.

I reached out again tonight and finally got a few texts in return. Her messages were brief, almost monosyllabic. She's back at work now, and I'm sure she's exhausted from having to function again after losing her husband so recently.

But once again, it was highly challenging to separate myself and my needs from those of another. (And throw in catastrophization, where I imagined the worst in the absence of information for an extra layer of fun.)

I know this is, in part, why I isolate. Because keeping my boundaries can be so challenging. But the real challenge is to exist in healthy balance, where I keep my sense of self despite what other's want and need, and where I can make choices instead of react to old patterns and memories of old pain.

Quote
I know this is, in part, why I isolate. Because keeping my boundaries can be so challenging. But the real challenge is to exist in healthy balance, where I keep my sense of self despite what other's want and need, and where I can make choices instead of react to old patterns and memories of old pain.

This is sooooo good!! Thanks for this post, RR, you made my day.  :hug:

Aww. Thanks, Three Roses.

Hey, Randal.

I also tend to isolate myself when stressed. My friends have experienced a death too recently, and it was distressing to see them grieving. But I needed to isolate.

I remember I read something online that mentioned the difference of withdrawing and disengaging. Withdrawing is meant to punish a person by removing contact with them in anger. Disenganging is isolating yourself to allow for yourself to lovingly take care of yourself and heal.

We need some space sometimes, so I'm glad you're taking some.

Thanks, DecimalRocket. That distinction between withdrawing and disengaging is really helpful.

Just a couple of years ago, I was both going out and hosting gatherings more than I ever had in my life. My friends would tease me, "Are you sure you're still an introvert?" But then my anxiety spiked tremendously about a year ago, and I was having trouble functioning.

So, while I'm doing what I need to in order to take care of myself, the non-linear nature of healing can leave me mystified. Luckily, I'm out to most of my closest friends as having CPTSD/anxiety. The majority of them are introverts as well, and some of them also struggle with anxiety. That means they're pretty understanding that I've disengaged so much. But it does make coordinating get-togethers around different schedules and emotional states more challenging.

Well, I did it. This week was my last session with the therapist I've seen for the past 11 years.

The actual exiting process was quite positive. We reviewed the state I was in when I came started therapy with her, the progress I've made, and the work I still have left to do. I left the session feeling a combination of weepy, grateful, and even upbeat.

But when I got home, I got slammed by my feelings. The best way I can describe it was a powerful sense of being unmoored. I texted my partner, who's traveling right now, and my BFF, who lives elsewhere. Both were helpful. But I'm still very much processing this transition. And my mood has skewed towards sadness and depression, not all the time. But those feelings are quite pronounced when present.

I'm maintaining my wellness routine (daily yoga and meditation) but also feel like the holidays are contributing to sadness and feeling adrift. I just felt that writing about it here might also help.

funny, i just wrote the same metaphor a couple of days ago, like my moorings had come undone and i was adrift.  i think it has something to do with the season, but also with grieving.  i've been resolving some of my issues, which marks a huge change, and you've just ended an 11-yr. relationship.  i think it's pretty common to be sad and feeling adrift.

it sounds like your t did quite well with the ending process, and i'm glad for you about that.  that doesn't mean that the loss wouldn't hit you full force, but it does sound like you had some nice closure.  that's a really good thing in my book.

so, now just take your time, let it be, let yourself feel it, and it will eventually even out again, you'll find dry land and get your feet under you once more.  and, congrats on keeping those boundaries with your sis.  i would have had pretty neg. thoughts, too, if she'd suddenly stopped responding to messages.  i'm glad she's ok, glad you're ok.  well done.

keep taking care of you, randal.  big warm, caring hug to you.

Thanks, sanmagic7. Your kind words mean a lot to me. And while I wouldn't wish feeling unmoored on anyone, I find comfort in knowing that others have similar experiences. One of the things I value most about this forum is the sense of normalization it brings, that while each of our journey's is unique, we are not alone in our healing.

I had some excellent sleep last night and got up ready to take on the world. I ate a super-healthy breakfast and launched into a combination of writing and house chores.

And then my sister called, despondent and grieving. I let her talk, acknowledged her pain and depression, and then encouraged her to take action. I suggested she call a counseling center she had previously been referred to and to reach out to a local friend of hers to share a cup of tea. She agreed that she would do these things.

So, now I'm working to maintain my center and not get swept up in another person's powerful emotions. I'm trying to discern the difference between helping a person I care about and saving them. I did a short grounding meditation, texted my partner, and then launched into cooking. It's helping, but my positive mood has definitely been tempered.

I think another meditation session is in order, some more writing, and maybe blasting some music.

it sounds to me like what you told her was just right.  you offered viable suggestions while not getting mired down in her grief.  well done.

blasting music has done the trick for me at times.  let 'er rip!  big hug.

Hmm. . . I agree with San. That was the right thing. It sounds like you're deeply kind and empathetic, so I can understand if getting caught up with someone's emotions can be difficult. But I'm glad you led her to someone who has more resources to help.

Take care, RR.  :hug:

Quote from: DecimalRocket on December 31, 2017, 06:59:48 AM
It sounds like you're deeply kind and empathetic, so I can understand if getting caught up with someone's emotions can be difficult.

DecimalRocket, you just said a mouthful. One of my key roles in my family of origin was to be the Hero. Helping others and attending the their needs before my own was one of the only ways I got any sense of worth.

I like being sensitive and caring--it's who I am as a person. But I struggle with being overly empathic and with losing myself in another's strong feelings.

I have my immediate responses when this happens: yoga, meditation, calm lighting, (healthy) distraction, limiting media and stimuli. But I'm still working on strengthening my core sense of self so that I can maintain my center no matter what.

I ran into something Alan Watts once said the other day and was going to put it in the quotes area but no one seems to look there much anyway. Then I read your latest journal entries and thought the quote might provide a small window into some of your struggles with sensitivity.

The quote: "There is a price to paid for every increase in consciousness. We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain."

I have the same sort of relationship troubles you describe concerning empathy, and it can become a delicate balance to avoid being overwhelmed. The only way I seem to be okay with this is to accept the pain part or vice-versa. And to feel okay with being this sensitive in the first place.

It is, after all, a very insensitive world out there, so being gifted with sensitivity is a needed energy. Learning how to apply it with more equanimity for oneself seems to play a key role in unlocking the necessary self-compassion.

I've been shaky on-and-off today. It's also cold here, which contributes to me feeling uncomfortable and shivery. And I've felt myself beginning to touch the surface of the Bad Place.

But then I thought, "What's going on with me?" And I realize that I am, at least in part, feeling the aftereffects of the massage I got last night.

It was good and from a massage therapist I trust. But I go to him specifically for deep tissue work. And that sometimes leaves me feeling jittery and vulnerable the next day.

It's not like this realization made everything better. But the clarity I experienced kept me from slipping into a negative space. I made sure to eat something (even though I wasn't really hungry), take a warm shower, and put on warm, comfy clothes.

The shakiness is down to an occasional low-level vibration. And I'm continuing to practice self-care. Up soon is daily meditation.

I'm in my 60s and have never had a massage I felt 100% comfortable with. I really don't like being touched. That's hard to admit, but true.

But... I hear deep tissue massages can be very triggering!  Will you tell the masseuse or masseur what you're experiencing?

Oh, my massage therapist is great. If I get triggered during a session, he's very responsive. In a way, it's because I trust him so much that my experiences can go deeper.

It's just that being in touch with my body can sometimes make me anxious and fretful. Yoga, which I love and is generally wonderful, can do the same thing on occasion.

But I've decided that the rewards of daily exercise and semi-regular massage--which include emotional well being--far outweigh those times that put me in the arousal state or trigger nightmares, etc.

I'm glad you're able to have a satisfactory massage, Randal.

:cheer:

So, it's a quiet Sunday night, and I'm curled up on the couch with my honey, and I've been wondering why I'm on the cusp of freaking out inside.

I think I've pieced it together. This increased contact with my sister since her husband passed recently also means increased news about my family of origin, including mentions of our mother, my primary abuser.

My sister also told me that the trailer we spent the first couple of years of our lives in was destroyed in a fire yesterday. (Everyone's fine, BTW.)

It's just that so much involving my FOO seems filled with pain and drama and dysfunction. My sister is the *only* person from our family that I remain in contact with. I love her, and I want to support her in this tough time. But she never left that system. And sometimes,  it wears me down.

It's a strange hybrid space for both of us. In some ways, I hold on to her specifically *because* she's the last remaining family contact for me. And at other times, all I want to do is throw my hands up and say, "Call me once you've dealt with your bulls***.

Yes, many of us have conflicting emotions like that, and the ambiguity of it can make it confusing. I don't really know much about relationships to give you wise words on it though.

So here's a nice hug to make up for it.

:hug:

After a few weeks of feeling touch-and-go, finally some good news.

Work has been slow (I'm an independent grant writer and blogger). I've had a couple of nightmares recently. And even when my dreams have been pleasant or neutral, my brain has clearly been quite busy at night. During waking hours, I'm mildly dissociating and forgetting small details.

So, I was thrilled to find out today that one of my poems has been accepted for issue 15 of Barking Sycamores (http://neurodiversitymatters.com/barkingsycamores/), a literary journal focused on neurodivergence.   

This is the first time any of my poetry has been accepted for publication. And I am freaking out--in a good way for once!

I've celebrated by having a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and doing yoga. :)

Congrats!  :cheer:

That's amazing! :applause:

I'm really curious now to hear about some of that poetry — though only if you want to. Neurodiversity is an issue important in my own life, and I'm glad to hear you're finding a way to champion these ideas.

congrats, randal.  how wonderful for you!  here's to many more.  big hug to you.

Thanks, all. I'll gladly share the poem here once it's published, although it's not a particulaly happy one. It's about the dread and dissociation I was experiencing one day before therapy.

I'm back from an overseas trip (to Kyrgyzstan, if you're interested). And while I was able to maintain my wellness routine more or less while I was there, jet lag is kicking my butt.

I woke up today around 3:30 AM just convinced that I was doing everything wrong in life. But I was able to remind myself that I was tired and out of sorts, which can lead to excessive negative thinking. It's not that the doubts magically went away. But I feel more centered on my actual self, not my mental illness.

So, I'm going to monitor the situation, continue with the daily yoga and meditation, and try to be gentle with myself.

sounds like a good plan.  having never flown overseas, i don't really know jet lag very well, but any kind of tired can wreak havoc with your system and thinking processes.  glad you're back safe and sound.  big hug to you.   

Oh boy - I remember those times I've gotten Jet Lag. How our bodies deal with sleep can get crazy in those times. Take care.

:grouphug:

I really hate avoidance. I mean, I know it's a defense mechanism and that's it's my psyche's way of trying to protect me. But I feel especially frustrated when I'm aware that I'm avoiding things but can do little about it.

It's not just objectively "big things" like going to the doctor. I get why that's hard for me (undressing in front of a stranger, being asked personal questions, fear of my body, etc.) But I just don't understand why my subconscious associates some things with trauma, like filling out forms. I've gotten better about them. But I can still freeze or avoid doing paperwork altogether.

Then there are times when I realize my holding back is because I actually don't want to do something. And when I listen to that authentic inner voice, my life has been better for it. But discerning the difference between not wanting something on a deep level versus reacting to old abuse and trauma can be tricky.

I try not to beat myself up about all of this. But I get so vexed when I'm unable to move forward in ways that would improve my life. I guess I'm mainly venting. But I'm also hoping that acknowledging this in writing will help me to move past it a little bit more.

you're right, rr, telling the difference can be tricky.  i would guess that something like paperwork might be from trauma, tho.  paperwork in itself isn't dangerous.  consequences of not filling it out according to someone else's expectation could have been.  or, link that to answering someone's questions in a way they found displeasing, and what you might have experienced because of it.

it's that subtle (sometimes not so much) connection between something that seems innocuous on the surface to some deeper meaning buried in our psyche that can be triggering.  or, maybe you're feeling rushed and just don't want to take the time, or are sick of answering the same questions over and over.  i don't know - it's different for everyone.  i do think it takes a certain amount of digging if we want to find the answers, tho.

i don't like answering those questionnaires at the doc's office cuz i get confused - it seems like i always have extenuating circumstances or i feel rushed and i'm trying to give them the best info i can.  i've had such neg. experiences with docs, and i'm trying to explain myself more clearly, hoping they'll 'get it' this time.

i'm glad you avoid beating yourself up too much, tho.  some avoidance is a good thing, isn't it?  like that example - avoidance as a means of self-care and compassion.    that shows progress.  warm hug to you.

Feeling very touch-and-go today.

Was supposed to see a play that a friend is stage manager for. But my partner thoughtfully checked with her and found that it contained descriptions of sexual assault. He suggested I stay home, and it really was the right choice.

Now about to meet up with my honey and some friends to play Dungeons & Dragons. Hoping that diving into fantasy helps take my focus off of my swirling interior and that I can just focus on some good-natured fun.

Part of me wants to skip even this favorite activity. But I know that some light socializing--and snacking--is probably good for me.

Going on a whole month now where my sleep and wellness routine has been thrown off-kilter by: traveling overseas and jet lag, being sick for a few days and sleeping a lot during the day, and house guests from out of town whose arrivals and departures were wicked early in the morning.

I don't mean that I'm in a terrible place, which I'm actually quite proud of. But daily yoga and meditation are *necessary* for me to feel like myself and to navigate the world more effectively. And there have been times multiple times now when I've "trimmed back" on both or forgot to do one or both entirely. That's not good for me.

Yesterday was the first day fully back in the saddle. I feel like to get truly reestablished in my routine, I need to take my inner child by the hand and remind him why wellness is so important. ("Remember what happens when we don't do yoga and meditation every day? Life gets really, really hard, right?")

If I'm really honest, I'm nervous that I won't be able to get back to where I was. And I guess I'm just logging this in here as a way to hold myself accountable.

i give you all credit, rr, for recognizing what works for you and beginning to get back to it after being sidelined.  i have a really difficult time doing that, so i'm always impressed by people who can and do.  sending a hug full of love and encouragement to do what's best for you even after being stampeded off track like that.

I understand Randal. I'm a mindfulness junkie myself and without it, I'm not sure how I can survive through the day. Take care, and do what works for you. Even just 5-10 minutes of this stuff is better than nothing. Take care.

Thanks, sanmagic7 and DecimalRocket.

It's been a little touch-and-go, but I've been able to reestablish my wellness routine. I'm still not as centered as was before things got all jumbled. But I'm less shaky than I was.

This whole experience has reaffirmed the need for daily meditation and yoga/walking in my life. While these don't fully insulate me against all of my problems (e.g., emotional dysregulation, etc.), my life is profoundly better when I live into my wellness routine.

Emotional dysregulation, the bane of my existence.

I'm frustrated with how much time and energy it can take for me to deal with my feelings. Just the simplest things like paying a bill can set me off, and then, no matter what I had planned for my day, I need to shift gears because I'm so distraught.

Intellectually, I get it. I associate certain things with the repeated trauma I experienced during my formative years. But right now, I'm longing to do normal, everyday things in a normal, everyday way.

"I get upset, too!" my usually understanding partner said one time. But he doesn't get it. I'm talking about something throwing me off kilter for hours or even a day or longer.

I know that in it's way, this is progress. I'm experiencing an emotional flashback, and I'm aware of it to write about it and make conscious choices (versus being completely enveloped by it).

So, I'm going to meditate now, take it easy for a bit, and hope this swirling vortex of emotions passes.

Stay strong, y'all.

Two steps forward and one step back.

I guess I'm feeling better on the whole. I have big chunks of time when I don't feel triggered or shaky at all. But then something will happen--a social conversation, misinterpretation of something in a chain of work emails, etc.--and I'll start to feel off, like I'm standing near the edge of full-on badness.

After those first few moments, I can usually start to discern what's happening to me. "Oh, that felt like conflict, although it was just a difference of opinion. But that was enough for me to associate it with my abuse." Then I can work to correct my thinking/perception and meditate or take a break to try and recenter.

But I also recognize that I'm having a lot of negative and extreme thoughts. Something isn't just a blip or a minor inconvenience to address, it's VERY BAD, like I have no hope or agency to change things. Again, it's because I'm back to being a child who really did have no power to protect himself.

It's tricky for me to stay in the here and now and not catastrophize everything. So, I keep breathing and meditating and doing yoga and drinking water and writing and the other things that help in both the short and long term.

i can relate to doing those 'normal, everyday' things and having them turn your world on it's side for a while.  i opened a checking acct. the other day, had to take my d along, at one point i was shaking so hard that i asked her to fill in the spaces.  we went to lunch after, and i came home and slept for 4 hours.  i was clearly exhausted from what, for me, was an ordeal.

i'm not sure what that's about, except it's pouring a lot of info into my brain, having to think and make sense of something, and the stress of it sends me into overload. 

anyway, 4 yrs. ago, i also did a checking acct. change, and the effects of that were so much longer and worse.  i can only hope that i'm making progress.  i hope you are as well.

warm, loving hug to you, r.r.  we'll get there.

I can relate Randal. Sometimes I'm troubled by how easily I'm hurt as I go towards my own goals. Things just remind me of certain flashbacks and the cycle starts all over again.

:hug:

TW: Trigger Warning for descriptions of drinking, alcoholism, and marijuana use.

Last night I dreamed that I drove an uncle of mine to the store, where he started buying excessive amounts of alcohol. Someone in the dream told me how he had run his family into massive debt through his drinking.

I woke up, had my morning tea, and started feeling triggered. "Why?" I thought to myself. And then it hit me.

This weekend I went to a friend's lake house with a group of people. The host was literally falling down drunk not even 10 minutes after I arrived. I helped her up, handed her her glasses, which had fallen off when she tumbled, and dusted the dirt off of her knees.

"I have to sober up before my in-laws get here," she said. I gave her water and kept reminding her to drink it. An hour later she said, "I need to get high before they get here, because I can't handle them."

For the record, I have no problem with people tying one on now and then. And I smoke pot on occasion. But there was no joy in this, no catharsis, no shaking off of stress. It was poor coping skills in action.

On the drive back home, I told my partner that I needed to distance myself from the hosts. He understood. My unconscious understood, too. My dream was a reminder of the addiction in my family of origin and how my brother-in-law died this past fall from alcoholism after driving himself and my sister into excessive debt.

It's hard to watch friends suffer and stay stuck in cycles of addition. So much of my life has been about distancing and separating myself from those who are abusive and dysfunctional. I know I have to do it for my own sake. But the sadness is also there, reminding me of my history of loss and the price I've had to pay for healing.

Thanks for "listening," all.

I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult weekend watching your friend having a hard time coping with her problems. And from the past you describe it is not a strange thing this was difficult for you at all.

It sounds like a brave and smart thing to do, to take a step back and distance yourself a little. It must be hard, since it's a friend. Even if it is a smart thing to do.

Sorry to hear about your friend, and what happened in your dream. It's not a pleasant thing to watch what happen to you happen to other people. It's nearly always a lot more painful to relate when it happens.

Take care.  :hug:

Thanks, Sceal and DecimalRocket.

For the next few days after I posted, I felt really good, solid and in my body, and I was aware of the positive effects of yoga and meditation immediately after each.

But then something shifted. One afternoon, a powerful sense of sadness came over me, seemingly out of nowhere. (I'm sure it was a subconscious association to something.) And then yesterday and today, I've had this fluttery background hum of anxiety, like I'm primed to be triggered, if that makes sense.

I've logged this in with my other half, just so he knows about it. I also find that sometimes talking about my nervousness around my anxiety can take some of its power away. 

So much of my formative years were spent keeping secrets and wearing a mask. There can be a simple, refreshing truth to admitting when I feel off. I have to remind myself that I don't have to wait until I feel oh-so-bad. I can talk (or write) in the here and now about what's happening because it's happening to me.

Been doing better on the whole but also still experiencing some powerful emotional dips.

Yesterday, I got up super early to attend a dawn performance of our local Morris Dancers for May Day. It was fun. But later I felt depressed, which I can only attribute to the disruption in my sleep (despite taking a nap later in the day).

My partner suggested I take a walk. It made a difference, but I could still feel the sadness nipping at my heals. Then I blasted some music in my headphones while launching into cooking and cleaning. That seemed to do the trick.

I wonder how much of this is, at least in part, because I've been out of therapy for four months now. I'm still doing daily physical activity and meditation, which are essential for me to try and maintain a balanced mood.

I guess I'd like an answer as to "why" when I can't perceive anything disturbing/triggering in my environment. I have to tell myself (repeatedly) that it's because I have C-PTSD. And while I'm getting better on the whole, there will just be days and times when my emotions will be problematic. I hate it, but there it is.

IMO being out of therapy for an extended period might be a factor. I missed some appointments this winter due to weather and was surprised at how this affected some of my issues. Once I was able to resume a more regular schedule it has leveled a bit, so it appears I at least had gotten out of sync--for me it revealed that the progress my t and I may have noticed still needs further attention and/or adjustment.

Another therapy session might at least suggest some possibilities in your situation.

why?  i think you answered your own question, r.r.  you've got c-ptsd, and it sucks, and it takes us to places we don't want to go in spite of our best efforts.   yep, it is what it is.  all we can do is our best to keep moving forward.  and, yes, possibly that lack of therapy may be disrupting somewhat.  hopefully you can resume it eventually, and you'll then see if it makes a difference.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

I almost had a mini-meltdown last night. But I didn't. And I guess this morning, I'm kind of feeling proud of that?

At 11:30 pm, I suddenly realized that I hadn't paid my credit card bill, which was due by midnight. I was flustered, got online, forgot my password (this happens to me all of the time), and got locked out of my bank's website.

Fine. I've done this before. But then their website wouldn't let me log in and reset my password. I called the credit card company and got stuck in a strange promotional recording loop. Finally, I looked up a new number and paid my bill by phone.

At this point, my head was swirling. Objectively what's at stake is a $25 late fee. But to me, it's much more than that. It represents that I did something wrong, which as a kid meant abuse was coming. It also showed that I wasn't paying attention (lack of vigilance), which freaked out my inner child because then I wasn't on the look out for abuse.

I know that everyone forgets things. And I know that lots of folks have technological glitches to deal with. But these are laden with emotional import to me and play into all kinds of f'd-up messages that were programmed into me growing up.

The point is, I got nearly overwhelmed, but I persevered. I recognized what was going on with me, took some deep breaths, and continued. Then I processed a bit with my partner (although I was embarrassed to admit the intensity of my emotions over the situation) and busted out some yoga before bed.

Sleep did me good, and here I am, realizing that even if I want to feel calmer over everyday bumps in the road, being able to manage strong feelings is in and of itself progress.

indeed it is.  well done, r.r.  congrats on being able to stick with it and get the job done in spite of everything going on in your mind.  i always count it as a victory of sorts when i do that sort of thing.  love and hugs.

They say prevention is better than a cure, and I think you're doing well in that in your own small way. Congrats on all that, and hope you can relax.

:hug:

Been feeling quite mixed of late, so much so that I haven't been sure what to write here.

For a long time now, I've been moving away from mono-feeling. I remember how startled I was when I discovered that being in a bad mood didn't mean I had to stay that way forever.

Now, I guess I'm learning that I can experience multiple moods within a short period of time or even simultaneously. It can be dizzying.

I tend to view most change with a skeptical eye at best. While I've left hypervigilance behind thanks to a lot of recovery work, I'm still alert to changes in my emotions. "Does this mean....(my anxiety's about to spike? I'm going to slip into a funk? Etc.)"

How difficult it can be to simply accept that my emotions are just doing their thing and to truly trust that I'll be able to handle whatever it is I'm feeling.

that is hard to trust.  since i've only come into some emotions lately, i relate to that feeling.  don't know what this means, that means, where it might lead, etc.  don't even know what to do with them at times.

i've envied people who have had their emotions at the ready, were very familiar with them and just let them come as they did without any thought about it at all.  maybe someday . . .

keep taking care of you, r.r.  love and hugs.

I've been waking up feeling shaky most mornings. Even if I didn't have bad dreams (or simply don't remember them), I've noticed this sense of powerful self-doubt when I get up. It's like I've failed (or fear failing) before I've even begun my day.

Sometimes it's mild. Today, however, my breathing is shallow. I feel dejected, deflated. And I wonder why I should even try to accomplish anything.

But I'm also conscious of this, which gives me choices. I've decided to decide what kind of day I'll have after my cup of tea. And I'm writing here to get some of this out, to be able to look at it with at least a bit of distance.

This dread first thing in the morning doesn't feel like me. I suspect it's the result of powerful messages I received early and often about my self-worth. But, gods, it can be so disorienting.

These feelings are real, but they aren't true, as my therapist used to say. So, I'm engaging in a lot of positive self-talk to counter what's creeping up from my unconscious.

And I chose to believe that there's an even deeper part of me--past the pain and woundedness--that is both real and true, a core sense of self that is pure, hopeful, and wants me to succeed.

I'm sorry that you have to wake up everyday feeling shaky and out of sorts. I hope that they will slowly fade away and that the mornings starts to get better by each passing day.  A gentle  :hug:, if it's okay?

I think it's wonderful that you're trying to decide that the bad mornings aren't going to take over your entire day, and I'm very impressed you're working so hard with talking positively to yourself. It's a powerful tool, so simple - yet can be very, very difficult.

Thanks, Sceal. I decided that yesterday I was going to stay busy, which turned out to be the right choice.

It can be hard to separate when strong emotions are an indicator of something in the present that I need to pay more attention (e.g., extra sleep, slowing down, etc.) or when it's an powerful association to something that happened long, long ago. More often than not, the mood itself is the problem that I need to manage directly.

I hate being so hindered by my psycho-emotional state. There are things I want and need to be doing. Instead, I'm forced to disengage and sooth myself. It's necessary. And there are times when I accept that. But of late, I resent my issues and how hobbled them make me feel.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Some good news to share. I recently scheduled a doctor's appointment for a physical. I went all by myself, and the whole thing was a positive experience.

It had been two and a half years since my previous physical. And it had been *five* years since I had a physical before that. So, progress.

I also found out that my cholesterol level is down. So, the daily exercise and eating more healthy have been paying off.

I'm proud of myself, and I almost never, ever say that.

Bad dreams last night, two of them that I can remember.

The first was my "classic" nightmare--someone's in my house who shouldn't be there. I never see them. They're always out of the corner of my eye, or I hear their footsteps.

I woke up from this, as always, absolutely terrified. Sometimes I have to get out of bed to check for the person in real life. This time I didn't. And I was able to process it somewhat in my groggy, half-asleep state. "This was that bad dream again. It's because we were abused and didn't feel safe at night. That was then. This is now."

Thankfully, I got back to sleep pretty quickly. But then I had a social anxiety dream about my old work place and the boss who laid me off. In in, I didn't know my status or my role, and I couldn't even find a chair for my desk! While less jarring than the other dream, it was still unsettling.

So, I'm up writing this entry and a nascent novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I feel a little shaky around the edges. But tea is helping, as is processing here. I also feel a little wary about what the rest of the day will be like. Perhaps a nap is in order?

Naps are awesome. 😴😴😴

Feeling restless and listless at the same time. And whiny. It's the pre-holiday blahs, I'm certain of it.

My partner's going to work event, and I'm at home not sure what to do with myself. I've always loved unstructured time. But around the holidays, it becomes a detriment. I feel unmoored.

I don't know. I don't feel like writing. I enjoyed the last book I got from the library very much. But the newest one is just OK.

I hear the tone of all this as I'm writing. I'm just not sure how to shake it off.

i think the holidays can be a strange time.  there is so much pressure, so many expectations put out there over and over.  i hope you are able to make them your own, enjoy them as such this year.  love and hugs, sweetie.

I kind of have mixed feelings about Thanksgiving and Christmas. So much of the past gets stirred up but part of me remains hopeful. It's unsettling. A nice big safe :hug:if you want it.

Hugs gratefully accepted. :)

And I hope you both are able to navigate the complexities of the holidays as well.

Sleep is such a mystery to me. Even when I don't have outright nightmares, my brain can remain active at night. Sometimes this makes drifting off difficult. At other times, I have uncomfortable dreams (everyday stress-related scenarios, themes of social anxiety, etc.). And then I also frequently experience vivid dreaming, which can even be pleasant or outright entertaining, but still contributes to a lack of mental downtime and rest.

Today for example, I'm up typing this at 6:30 AM on a Sunday during a holiday weekend, when I could be sleeping in after dreaming about being back in school and not knowing my class schedule. (I think of this as type of classic dream for many.) But then I felt it devolving into something else even less pleasant. So, when I woke up, I decided that was enough, and here I am at my laptop.

I still got pretty decent sleep overall, at least I think so. There are times when I can't tell the quality of rest I had until later in the day. If I feel myself getting shaky or dissociating frequently, it usually confirms that my brain's been working on something, and I really didn't get the deep rest that everyone needs.

All that said, on the whole my sleep is better than it used to be. Nightmares have become less frequent (but still happen unpredictably). Yet dreams of struggling, arguing, and fighting back have increased. It feels like these are "downgraded nightmares" in a way, as if my unconscious realizes more of my overall power.

But still I struggle. So many of these dreams are of uncertainty: I'm lost in an airport and can't find my gate; I have a flight leaving imminently, but I don't have my ticket or passport; I have to take a test when I just showed up to class for the first time, or I arrived for what I thought was the first session of a course only to find it's the final day.

Maybe I'll trying crawling back in bed now and see if I can catch a few more zzzzs. Here's hoping you're all able to get adequate or even excellent sleep!

Some mornings, my anxiety wakes up shortly after I do. Unless I've had a bad dream, I may feel OK at first. But then my inner critic is up and starts whispering in my ear, "That thing you were going to do today is too big for you. Oh, and you forgot to do this other really important thing. You can't handle life. Best to give up and just stay in bed."

The temptation to remain under the covers in strong, as the litany of negative self-talk increases. But I can sometimes hear a quieter but truer voice that says, "We feel this way sometimes in the morning. But once we start moving, it tends to calm down." And I've learned to just make myself get up and start my day.

I splash some water on my face and make my morning cup of tea. I even meditated this morning. (I meditate every day, but usually not first thing. I may try making this adjustment to my routine as well, perhaps with some specific confidence-building guided meditations.)

My anxiety and self-doubt are still here. But it's like more of me is awake to provide a counter-narrative. Here's to all of us who struggle each day and still choose to get up and try our best.

Absolutely love this -

QuoteMy anxiety and self-doubt are still here. But it's like more of me is awake to provide a counter-narrative.

❤️❤️❤️

me, too.  love that you're realizing you can hear that softer voice of truth as well.  you go, rr.  love and hugs.

Thank you both. I was doing so much better today. I had two great work phone calls, with one that might lead to a new client.

Then while I was relaxing this evening, my partner asked me a question about jobs and income in my field (the nonprofit sector).

And my anxiety suddenly went through the roof. My inner critic was saying things like. "He thinks you're not making enough money. You're a failure." Etc.

I did yoga then tried to read in bed but was still spiking. My partner asked me what was up. Although I was embarrased, I told him. He said he had meant nothing of the sort and was just generally curious.

I also just realized that my sister recently losing her job is probably contributing to this acute scarcity mentality I've been having.

I'm coming down a little now. But I'm worried that I'll have trouble getting to sleep. On the other hand, this experience has sapped a lot of my energy. So, maybe I'll be able to drift off after all.

hope you got to sleep, sweetie.  that up and down stuff is definitely exhausting.   :hug:

I did a difficult thing for me today, my quarterly taxes. That might not seem like a big deal to many, but I *hate* forms and finances. I tend to get overwhelmed, feel incompetent, and can spiral into a profoundly illogical scarcity mentality.

So, I girded my loins, meditated this morning, made sure to eat breakfast, showered and dressed, and jumped in. And I did it and felt proud afterwards.

But now I'm having some aftershocks and feeling on edge. A client sent edits to a first draft of a proposal I wrote. And now my inner critic is having a field day. "They hated it. You did a sh*t job. You're no good at this, and they won't want to work with you anymore." That sort of thing.

I'm trying to let these two states coexist, pride that I finished an important task and this low-energy, post-effort state where I'm more vulnerable to self-criticism and anxiety.

Progress doesn't have to be "pure" for it to still count as progress. We can have forward motion and still carry unwanted baggage along the way because we haven't been able to set it down for good yet.

My plan is to meditate again and maybe nap, process a little with my partner when he's home from school, and buy myself some snacks for my online Dungeons & Dragons game tonight. Snacks and silliness sound pretty good right about now!

Having a tough mental health day. Slept poorly last night. And I had a doctor's appointment today.

I hate going to the doctor. Some stranger pokes and prods my body and asks invasive questions? No thank you.

But I know it's good for me. So to the ophthalmologist I went for the first time in more than 15 years.

I honestly wouldn't have been able to make the appointment without the support of my partner. I love him for it, but I hate that I can't do some adult things on my own.

And yet I hear a quiet voice inside that says, "You asked for help when you needed it, and that's a grown up thing to do."

Yeah, I guess. I just feel wiped out afterwards. So, I watched stupid videos and ate gelato. And now I'm in bed early. I'm going to read before heading to sleep and see what tomorrow looks like.

Quote from: RecoveryRandal on May 21, 2019, 03:16:39 AM
So to the ophthalmologist I went for the first time in more than 15 years.

:applause: :applause: :applause:
I often have trouble getting doc appointments for myself and then going. You're not alone there.

Quote from: RecoveryRandal on May 21, 2019, 03:16:39 AM
And yet I hear a quiet voice inside that says, "You asked for help when you needed it, and that's a grown up thing to do."

:yeahthat: 

I'm often wiped out after doing difficult things. It will be cptsd-related, I'm sure.

I left the house for the first time in over 3 days.

It's not good for me, I know. Or maybe I should say it's too much of a good thing. As an introvert and a homebody, I truly enjoy time by myself. But I think I'm pushing it.

Some short trips, especially a visit to my sister before she moved out of the country, have used up a lot of energy lately. My sister's place was filthy and chaotic, and it was difficult for me to spend any time there.

I'm stressed about work deadlines and don't feel like I'm as effective as I should be. (I try to remind myself that a year and a half ago, I was worried about not having *enough* work.) And while I love working from home, it also can contribute to isolation.

I'm managing. I'm doing yoga and meditating for wellness. I'm also taking OTC sleeping pills now and then to ensure that I'm getting enough rest. But it's too hot outside for the walks in nature that are so restorative for me.

I have social time scheduled this weekend with friends. Honestly, though, I just feel lackluster about it right now. I need to remind myself that I almost always enjoy it when I'm actually out with them.

I don't know. I guess I just needed to vent here, to get the words out instead of holding the feelings in. Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read this. I know you're also going through your own stuff. So know that I appreciate you taking a moment to look over my thoughts.

hey, rr,

i've been hearing about that heat, and it can be debilitating.  i'm also a nature walker, so i feel for you that you can't get out in it.  i definitely know i feel better when i get my 'dose'!

deadlines stress me out more than anything, i think, so i hear ya on that. 

i'm glad you came here to vent.  it's good to see you again.  sending love and a hug filled w/ having a good time w/ friends.   :hug:

I was happy to see your post! Yes, we are going thru our own stuff but I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Hope venting helped! 
:heythere:

Quote from: RecoveryRandal on July 19, 2019, 10:49:30 PM
I have social time scheduled this weekend with friends. Honestly, though, I just feel lackluster about it right now. I need to remind myself that I almost always enjoy it when I'm actually out with them.

Often when I have a social engagement scheduled, I dread going and have to remind myself that I am capable, I have functioned socially many times before, and I usually have a good time once I am with people. I wish I could just look forward to it and have a good time, but I need to give myself "the talk" most of the time.

Thanks, all. I'm doing a bit better now.

Some of it has been learning to shift my focus to the things that matter--my wellness, nature, and kind people. It's not that my actions feel any different. But I'm trying to center the positive elements of my life and really sink into an appreciation of them.

Steps forward. :applause:

It's hard to sum up how I've been. Every day there's some anxiety spike over something or other. What varies is the intensity and the longevity.

But while I still feel a background hum of worry even on the best of days, I am, on the whole, continuing to develop a greater sense of agency in my life. My continued wellness routine, a commitment to downtime, and loving support from my partner are helping me to change my inner narrative from negative to neutral to positive. The 11 years I previously spent in therapy didn't hurt either. It's like ice melting very slowly, but it's happening.

I also turned 50 years old recently. And there's something about both getting older and reaching a milestone birthday that help give me permission to let go of more, to care less about negative people, and to believe more deeply than ever that I am capable. Capable of what? Just getting through each day and of managing life and my emotional responses to it.

This growing sense of--dare I say--freedom is the best birthday gift I could ever give myself.

let's hear it for turning 50!!!   :phoot:   :fireworks: :party:

 :yeahthat: :fireworks:

QuoteThis growing sense of--dare I say--freedom is the best birthday gift I could ever give myself.

That's awesome! So glad to hear it. Keep up the good work. Take care! :)

Happy birthday, and hooray for freedom! 🎂🍰🎁  :cloud9:

Have you every had a bad dream turn into a good thing?

For much of my life, I've had a major reoccurring theme to my nightmares. Someone either breaks into my living space or a shadowy figure is there who shouldn't be. I've had nightmares about other topics, of course, but this invasion scenario inevitably wakes me up in terror.

Last night, I dreamed that three men were doing work on a nearby utility pole. They kept making disparaging and vaguely threatening remarks like I wasn't there.

Then they came down and just walked into my place like they owned it. They laughed and taunted me when I told them to get out.

At this point, I half woke up and somehow began to change the narrative. In my half-dazed state, I took control, talking to the men like I owned the place (go, agency!) and began taking practical steps to get them out.

I'm tired today, but this sense of having stood up for my boundaries has stuck with me. It's made me think of pragmatic ways in real life where I've been owning my power and the areas that I still need to work on.

Ultimately, I want to develop a deep and abiding sense of my own agency and boundaries that isn't shaken by the presence or needs of others. And I think I'm getting there bit by bit.

This sounds really significant. Well done!  :cheer:

 :thumbup: That sounds wonderful -- standing up for your boundaries. It took a long time, my experience is that it might bounce a little each way, but take it as a sign that yes, you DO have it in you to turn the corner. And that that time may be now.
I hope this points out the new direction/possibilities for you as you trek onward.

True Trauma Confessions: Today I got stressed and anxious about having to empty the dishwasher.

Was it the worst anxiety spike I've ever experienced? No. But it made me wonder why. Why do some apparently banal tasks feel so laden for me sometimes?

While I was growing up, my primary abuser would often lose her sh*t over the state of the house. She would scream her head off at my sister and me and spew guilt-inducing diatribes that we weren't doing enough. It's not that she had assigned us specific chores that we weren't doing, mind you. But she became overwhelmed with her internal state and her own undiagnosed childhood trauma and projected it all on us.

But there's an additional layer. While today is actually a light day for me work-wise and task-wise, I feel tired. Tired still from the nightmare of two evenings ago. Tired from processing something with my partner yesterday. And tired from just navigating my own emotions and concerns.

I think this contributes to making an everyday task feeling larger than it actually is. I hear the screaming and accusations from my childhood. And I sometimes feel so damn worn out from managing my feelings and reactions. Just being in the world as someone with C-PTSD can take so much energy.

It's not that I'm in a bad place. In fact, I think it's because I'm experiencing a growing sense of agency that I can unpack some of the more "minor" things that I can sometimes avoid.

I just want to get to a place where I can do the things I need to do without them being so emotionally charged. But, hey, if it takes a little while to process some of what I'm feeling first and then I can still get them done, I'll take it.

 :thumbup:

you go!  sounds like you're on a positive path with this.  well done!  sending love and hugs   :hug: :hug:

QuoteI hear the screaming and accusations from my childhood.

I so identify with this!

Your mother was wrong to put all the weight on the shoulders of her little children. Our shoulders were not broad and strong enough to carry the pain of our parents and the damage they themselves suffered.

Best wishes to you, be gentle to yourself and that inner child who's feeling hurt and scared.  :hug:

I had a similar thing with cooking tonight. It does take time to sort through it all. But yay for getting the little things done, despite all the screaming. Take care! :)

Quote from: Three Roses on August 27, 2019, 04:53:54 PM
Our shoulders were not broad and strong enough to carry the pain of our parents and the damage they themselves suffered.

:yeahthat:

Thanks, everyone.

And, Three Roses, your comment is especially poignant.

I hate feeling overwhelmed so easily. I know everyone can and does feel terribly strained at times. But with having C-PTSD, it can be a daily occurrence or even happen several times in rapid succession.

It's exhausting.

After many years of therapy and other forms of healing, I'm able to, more and more, pause and reflect on what's triggered me and take corrective action. This can take the form of challenging negative, self-defeating thinking, meditating, talking or writing out what's bothering me, burning off anxiousness with exercise, etc.

But that's also work, and, despite things being better on the whole, it still takes a lot of effort.

There are things that trigger me where I understand the root cause, such as filling out forms or going to see the doctor. But other times, the "why" is a complete mystery. (See my earlier entry about emptying out the dishwasher.)

I've come to understand that when I experience free-floating anxiety or when my emotional reserves are low, I'm more easily triggered by just about anything. This vexes me in addition to having to deal with the core surge of anxiety, and it makes it difficult to explain what's going on to my always patient partner.

I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I may never live a life completely free of acute anxiety. But I can also remind myself that I have more tools and more support than I ever have before. And that's something worth acknowledging and even celebrating.

Feeling overwhelmed/anxiety is exhausting, but good job looking on the bright side with the tools and support. :)

I related strongly to your last post. I wanted to respond and started feeling overwhelmed. I started re-read your post and had to laugh at myself.

Quote from: RecoveryRandal on September 07, 2019, 06:53:23 PM
I hate feeling overwhelmed so easily.

More tools and support are significant to the journey.

Randal, I loved how you concluded your journal entry by saying:

"I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I may never live a life completely free of acute anxiety. But I can also..."

"I can also" -- that anticipates the next steps. Whatever they are, with them you can find wonderful things ahead.

Someone I was reading recently suggested that all the current fuss about 'living in the moment' might better be said as 'living in the movement. All of life is movement, open to change. This even includes being able to get past those old trigger points floating around, then realizing that in their antiquity they don't need to have any role in your present reality.

Now you've arrived at that point where you --"can also"-- to use those 2 simple words of yours -- continue trekking towards healing.

:hug:

Quote from: RecoveryRandal on September 07, 2019, 06:53:23 PM
I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I may never live a life completely free of acute anxiety. But I can also remind myself that I have more tools and more support than I ever have before. And that's something worth acknowledging and even celebrating.

Hi RecoveryRandal,
I think this is definitely something worth acknowledging and celebrating, and I'd like to celebrate it alongside you, if that's ok.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

ENERVATED [EN-er-vey-tid] adjective: without vigor, force, or strength; languid.

I guess accomplishments can come at a cost. I don't mean hugely, like a Pyrrhic victory or anything so grand, but in a quieter, everyday sort of way.

For example, today I got a physical at the doctor. And I scheduled it and went on my own, since my partner was busy. This is a *big* deal for me.

I've written before about how I hate the thought of a stranger poking and prodding my body. I have intense anxiety about the process *and* potential outcomes. What are they going to find? What might be wrong with me? (Read: classic catastrophic thinking.)

There was a period for five years where I couldn't bring myself to get a physical. That's how anxious and conflicted I was about the whole thing. But I've done a lot of therapy and other work on myself, and I'm blessed with a supportive partner who gently encourages me and cheers me on.

And then I got home after today's appointment. And I felt completely sapped of strength. I just curled up on the couch feeling...not sad or depressed but kind of weepy around the edges. I couldn't even find something stupid to watch on the Internet.

Am I in the worst kind of place? Far from it. But I am wiped out and want to do nothing.  So, I need to put some conscious thought into aftercare.

I did take myself out to eat afterward (because: fasting before blood work), and tonight I'm playing a game online with friends. That should be light and interactive.

I don't know. I guess this is both a win post and a note to my future self. Even as I get stronger, I need to remember to plan for ways to take care of myself before, during, and after I've tackled something big. Aftercare is valuable partly a reinforcing reward, but it'll also help me to get back to center and get on with my life.

yes, a win for going to the doctor and for caring for yourself afterwards.  :cheer:

Hi RecoveryRandal,
I think that is so great that you went to the doctor on your own, I struggle with doing that, and I think it's a big deal to have done it.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

I had a massive work project where, as a consultant, I was in charge of managing a proposal process. Someone on the client's team was the main writer, which is my usual--and preferred--role. He underperformed, and the deadline was fast approaching. It turns out, he had never written a proposal before, which no one seemed to know about ahead of time.

So, I spend three stressful days, where I worked long hours and basically rewrote the whole thing. I had trouble sleeping because I was worried about everything getting done, fretful about my reputation with this client, and just had trouble turning my brain off at night after going gangbusters with writing and editing.

When I submitted it to the client, it took them most of the day to review it. And I had difficulty relaxing until I got their feedback. Long story short, they loved it! That's good news. But I'd also like to be able to function better even without external validation, professional or otherwise.

I know we all need affirmation to some degree. But my childhood programming comes slamming back during times of stress and/or when I have a lack of clear feedback. "I'm not good enough." "I'm lazy." And if I don't do things just right, it only confirms my lack of worth. *Plus* it means I'm going to be punished/abused.

I'm doing better but still feel moody and sensitive. Today was my first day off in about two weeks, and my partner and I had three social events to go to. I couldn't face it all and asked if we could skip one. He agreed, but I could tell he was disappointed. (He's an extrovert.)

I felt guilty about it and got worried that he was mad at me--childhood programming again. We talked about it, and he said it wasn't a big deal.

I just hate getting so wrapped up in others' emotions. I long to be centered in a way that the moods and opinions of others don't have the potential to rock me to my core.

I get it, brain. You're trying to protect me. Being on high alert about our abuser's emotions never provided protection really. But it was a form of an early alert system. And while it was far from foolproof, at least we could see the crazy coming sometimes.

In the end, I can see both the progress I've made and how far I still have to go. It's just hard to hold both simultaneously. You know?

As you noted, high anxiety can become high vigilance and it all can escalate from there. And yes, it goes back to times when the judgements (and worse) left devastating after-feelings.

So I feel entirely for what you've described here, as the yuckiness of this sort of thing resonates even decades later. I've noticed it 2 times within the last day; I find myself grasping to stop my anxiety and instead it pops up again. The only good part is I notice it better than I used to, so it's not so hard coming back down. Still feel bad, but not as bad as before. So maybe that's progress.

Anyway, I just wanted to reaffirm/support your take on this as well.  Keep keeping on ...  :hug:

Thanks! And here's to your efforts as well. Recognizing moments of anxiety for what they are is such an important piece. That's when we can start making choices instead of just reacting. But yeah, there's that interim state where we see anxiety for what it is but don't feel quite able to do things that make a shift. It can be so frustrating.

Stay strong.

I'm going to tell you something you already know: nightmares suck. And I've been having a lot of them of late, including last night.

Thankfully, I don't remember the content of the most recent one, a minor consolation. And at the time, my partner rolled over and simply held me until I fell back asleep, a *major* consolation.

But, man, am I tired of bad dreams that shake me to my core. Because of many years of therapy and other forms of healing (meditation, yoga, journaling, etc.), on the whole, I've been able to go weeks, sometimes months without a nightmare. But they're back with a vengeance.

Sometimes I have a sense of what brought them on, like a specific scene from the horror movie I watched last night. Yet at other times, I have no idea. Did my exercise routine that day activate some body memory? Did someone I meet trigger a negative association? I know that I've been under a lot of work stress for a project that we finalized yesterday. (Huzzah!)

I guess the real takeaway for me in this thread, though is about resilience. Nightmares in the moment are terrible. They interrupt sleep and sometimes make it difficult or even impossible to drift off again. They leave me tired and shaken. BUT, they haven't been following me into my day as much.

I notice that I pretty much shrug them off and say, "Well, that sucked." And I go on with my routine. It's good, on the whole. If only I didn't have to deal with so many nightmares in the first place. You feel me?

Some snapshots of what's up with me:

Post-holiday blues combined with a slow start to the year work-wise means I don't have many distractions from my thoughts and feelings.

My daily exercise is more intense now, which is good for my overall health and often helps tremendously with my mood. But it can also unlock body memories.

I was miserable for a few days with acute anxiety and near-constant "bad feeling." There was something atmospheric about it that made it hard for me to rise above my emotions and find my center. I've been improving in fits and starts but still feel highly sensitive and don't have much energy.

My partner told me last night that he was getting up early today. But apparently my subconscious didn't get the memo. He was getting ready and came back in the bedroom around 5 AM. I woke up terrified. As a child, my abuse sometimes happened at night. And I have an ongoing series of nightmares about my abuser coming into my room while I'm sleeping.

I was able to eventually go back to sleep and, strangely, dreamed that I confronted my abuser, whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. She sat across the table from me at a restaurant. She was going on about her life (read: Narcissist). Finally I interrupted her and said something like, "Well, a lot of things happened to me in my childhood that I wish never had." And I fixed her with a stare. She replied, "I don't think you understand. I came here to say goodbye."

The waitress had trouble bringing the right check, which, unfortunately meant that my abuser and i had more time together. But for some reason, she wandered off, although I could still hear parts of her conversation with another person in the dream.

I don't know what to make of it. But I hope the dream means that I'm moving beyond these challenging last few weeks. I'm exhausted this morning but also kind of proud that I stood up for myself on a deep, subconscious level.

In tonight's anxiety report...

I did something I've been putting off--sending a message to a friend to say I was leaving his gaming group. That might not seem like such a big deal to some folks. But I'm guessing people on this forum get it. I was worried about awkwardness or even outright anger. And you know what? It was fine. He said he was sorry to see me go, and then we moved on the chatting about books.

And for a few hours, I felt normal. I had energy. I took out the trash, put out fresh towels, and changed the sheets on the bed. And then I opened my email.

There was a message from a client, asking if we could talk earlier than scheduled tomorrow. And I thought, "Uh, oh. She hated my first draft." And maybe she did. And maybe she didn't. But I noticed my rush to catastrophize.

I wasn't sure what to do about it that moment. I was sad that my good feeling had fled, as such generalized positivity can be so rare for me. So, I did some conscious breathing. Nothing big, just extended exhalations.

And then I did some self talk. "You know, you and she want the same thing, a good product. And there is *plenty* of time to work on the next draft. So, why not approach the call tomorrow in the spirit of collaboration? You've worked with her before, and you know you get along."

I'm not saying that I magically felt better. But reframing the situation helped. And I didn't withdraw from the world. I sent some non-work emails to a couple of friends, as opposed to shutting down socially, which I tend to do when stressed.

So, here's hoping I get some good sleep. I think heading to bed a little early is the ticket.

Lots of positive steps and being aware of you thoughts and feelings. Yes, a big deal. Good for you.  :cheer:

An attempt at gratitude.

I'm not always so great at regular gratitude practices. I find myself rebelling after a short time. "Oh, yeah?! If everything's so wonderful, then what about this, this, and this!" I know the point isn't that everything is sunshine and roses all of the time. It's about noticing what is going well so that the good becomes a more prominent focus in your life.

I get it. And still it's hard for me. I fear I don't deserve the good. And I'm afraid of letting my guard down on some deep internal level instead of constantly monitoring my environment for the next bad thing.

Like I said, embracing gratitude is challenging for me. But I'm going to do it anyway. Here's what I'm grateful for right now:

* The warm mug of tea in my hand
* That I have the morning off
* The yummy leftovers waiting for me in the fridge
* That work has been plentiful
* That today is supposed to be a beautiful pre-spring day
* That my partner was really responsive to the concerns I raised last night
* That I got halfway decent sleep
* That I've been able to maintain a more intense exercise routing for 3 months now

I'm reading this as I write, and I almost feel like someone's punched me in the gut. I don't like it that good stuff can be scary. Part of me doesn't trust it. But I'm working on it bit by bit.

What are you grateful for right now?

Fantastic grateful list.  :thumbup: