Out of the Storm

Symptoms => Six Major Symptoms => AV - Avoidance => Topic started by: Hope67 on February 03, 2018, 11:16:34 AM

Title: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 03, 2018, 11:16:34 AM
I'm not sure where to post this, hence putting it in 'general discussion' - but I've been thinking about myself and how I perceive my own personality, and acknowledging that there are 'different' parts of me, that almost make me think of a dissociated set of 'characters' - i.e. there's the 'strong' part that I think helped me to cope with the dysfunctional nature of my childhood and getting through different stages in life.  There is also a very fragile part, which makes me wonder 'how' I cope with things, and puts doubt in my mind as to whether I 'can' cope.  There's a part that never wants me to be 'out of control' - and seems like she prevents me from exploring certain things - preferring to keep me 'safe' and there's an 'out of control' part of me, that might say - 'Go on, have that alcohol or over-eat or stay up excessively late'.  That latter part of me rarely gets control, as I'm 'too scared' to lose control, or feel that I might be out of control.

I was talking to my partner yesterday about how I feel that I was 'strong' to have coped with my childhood, and that I didn't fight them, I was passive and didn't want to disrupt the status quo - unlike my sister who fought our parents, and was ejected from the family as a result of that.  He said he was surprised to hear me talk of being 'strong' in that circumstance, as he was able to matter-of-factly say that my sister's circumstances were different to my own - she was essentially brought up by her Grand-parents for the first few years of her life - hence being returned to my parents when she was about 9 years old, that would have been difficult - I was with them the whole time.

Actually I'm surprised where I've ended up - in terms of writing this, I wasn't intending to write about my sister in this thread, but I have.  So I'll leave it there.

I know that I relate to those films about Dissociative Identity - like the film 'Sybil' and others like that - I've always been fascinated by how people 'are' - the parts of themselves they 'show' to others in different situations - and the sides of themselves they keep back/hidden. 

I just wanted to write about it, and see if anyone relates, and just share my thoughts/feelings about it for a bit.  So thanks for reading this, and it was good to write about it.

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 03, 2018, 11:17:17 AM
SanMagic7 replied to me and said this:
"hey, hope,

glad you found it a good thing to write about this.  it interested me because as i'm discovering different emotions within myself, and now this dissociation stuff that i wasn't totally conscious of, i, too, see different parts of me.  certainly the strong me who has kept me alive and going all this time, but now the fearful me, and the needy me have cropped up, two parts of me that i've never consciously either been aware of or haven't given credence to.

i hesitate to compare myself to 'sybil', tho.  on the other hand, now that i'm thinking about it, i've also got a very outgoing social me, and, at times, a very quiet, almost introverted me.  i've also seen myself disappear and become a very gray personality, totally unlike the person i normally show to others.

some of these have come out without me purposely thinking 'this is how i need to be in such and such a situation'.   i've been over the top and under the radar, nearly invisible at times.  most people who know me would describe me as very outgoing, personable, and social, but i've been a shrinking violet at times without really knowing why, literally shrinking away from a situation, refusing to be part of it.

hmmm . . .  i guess it's all parts of me that have had their purposes along the way, altho the gray personality caused me to do badly on a job interview, and i didn't consciously want that to happen.  well, hope, you brought up all kinds of new stuff for me to accept.   i don't have the energy to explore this avenue, but it did feel good to just get it out there.   it also felt weird to consciously express it.  more pieces to this puzzle.    thanks, and a big hug to you. "
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 03, 2018, 11:17:57 AM
Dee replied and said this:
"I'm a lot like that as well.  When  I was in the hospital it was observed.  In the end I was told it was a part of the dissociative spectrum.  I was also told I have different ego states.  This isn't DID, but it is dissociation.  They said it was Not Otherwise Specified, but when I got home my therapist rejected that.  She said it is covered in CPTSD.

It really bothered me for awhile.  Then I finally understood we all have different ego states to some extent.  For some of us it is more pronounced and allowed us to survive.  There is nothing wrong with that."
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 03, 2018, 11:18:38 AM
Eyessoblue replied and said this:

"Hi hope, I was really interested to read your post as I too of late have been thinking about this, I have so many different personalities I actually am not sure which one I am, I seem to adapt them for where I'm going or who I'm seeing etc, I do find it difficult to know who or what the real me is all about, maybe I'll discover me one day but at the moment I'm just feeling a bit lost in life."
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 03, 2018, 11:28:54 AM
I've just copied and pasted the replies I had to this post from the old Forum to the new one - as I didn't want to lose them, and thank you so much for replying - your replies have been really validating, and I waited till we're on the new forum before replying - and I'm glad to have the opportunity to reply:

Sanmagic7 - you described the 'different me's' that you encounter and that all the parts you've noticed in yourself have their purposes along the way.  Like they have a function and a purpose and I relate to that.  I was also interested to hear you say that it "felt weird to consciously express it" - I relate to that too - it took me a while to broach the subject, but I knew that films like Sybil had made me 'sit up' and 'take notice' because I related to the idea that there can be different parts of a pscyhe - and I felt it matched some of my experiences/thoughts/feelings.

Dee - your reply was so helpful in terms of hearing that it's a 'part of dissociative spectrum' as you've helped me to know where to put this post - now it's in the new forum, and I saw that SanMagic7 also spoke of dissociation too - so I've placed it in this section now.  I really like what you said about having different ego states and that they 'allowed us to survive' and 'there's nothing wrong with that' - it is comforting to think that, for me, and I appreciate your reply very much.  Thank you.

Eyessoblue - Thank you for replying and for sharing your experience of this, and I relate to what you're saying about finding it difficult to know who or what is the real 'me' (sense of self etc) - I also feel 'lost' sometimes, and actually a bit confused about who 'I' am - but maybe over time it might become less confusing and that's what I hope for. 

I am thankful that this post is still here, and I've managed to copy it over safely, because I really appreciate the great replies and I feel better for talking about this and sharing my thoughts on it.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Whobuddy on February 03, 2018, 12:28:54 PM
I am glad you wrote and 'rescued' this thread. I relate to what you are saying very much.

I received a lot of help from the book, Healing fhe Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher. She is a therapist who uses a 'parts' model to help people. She discusses the 'switching' way of fragmentation like with Sybil but also the way that I identify with which she calls 'blending' where you don't switch personalities and lose memory of those times but rather you become engulfed in the emotions of that 'part.'

Her book helped me to recognize my adult 'part' which I didn't think I really had. She calls it our 'going on with normal life part' and everyone has this to some extent. It is the part that goes to work, pays bills, goes to dr. appts, etc. So I was able to see that I have that part even though it feels rather fake most of the time. So I have been using that adult part to send comfort and compassion to my wounded parts. This has helped me greatly because I had been feeling so fragmented but I had never really understood it. Therapists said it was just facets of personality but I knew it was more.

So I really recommend this book if you feel like I do about having 'parts'.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Three Roses on February 03, 2018, 05:14:15 PM
Becoming aware of the extent of my past abuse trauma has led me to recognizing that there are several different "ways of being" that I use, to address different situations. Learning about CPTSD and the inner children concept has allowed me to consciously call on those aspects for when I need them - the inner Angry Teen for difficult situations, or a younger version for a patient "me". I no longer feel i always have to be one way, and that the others are somehow wrong or bad. I am comfortable now being multi-faceted. :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: sanmagic7 on February 03, 2018, 10:23:00 PM
i like the idea of being 'multi-faceted' 3 roses.  that's more what it feels like to me.  i remember when the different facets show themselves, so it's not like a  'split' personality thing. 

i don't think it's a bad idea to be multi-faceted.  we are faced with so many different kinds and types of situations and people that i think we need to utilize various personalities in dealing with them.  i don't act the same way in a job interview than when i'm playing a game with friends or when i'm working with a client. 

some of this has come about with experience and time, tho, that i've been able to become more comfortable with most of my prsonality parts.  some, however, i don't understand, and just show up for some reason or another thru no conscious will of my own.  i don't know why that is.  especially that 'gray' lady that is devoid of all personality.  don't know where she comes from or why, exactly.  still, she's there at times, and i just accept her, too. 
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 07, 2018, 09:38:14 AM
Hi Whobuddy - I found your reply really helpful, and I'm glad you related to the thread - and I like your word 'blending' to refer to the experience of the various emotions within a particular part or parts.  I will look for that book you mentioned, as it sounds really interesting, and I think it would be helpful to me - thank you!

Hi Three Roses - I like your description of 'ways of being' and it's great to hear that you are "comfortable now being multi-faceted' - that makes you sound like a lovely diamond to me - all different facets and sparkly parts and also some inner depth (just sharing the 'picture' that was conjured up in my mind when you said that) - I realise it may be completely different to the concept you meant.  But I like it.  Thank you.

SanMagic - I agree that it doesn't sound like a bad idea at all to be 'multi-faceted' - I guess it makes us more interesting as people - and you mentioned your 'grey lady' - 'the woman in grey' - I haven't yet conceptualised my different parts in that way - I am recognising more of them these days though - and realising how they have each helped me to cope with different situations - and I have recognised the part of me that is the 'adult part' (which Whobuddy mentioned) - and I'm grateful to that part for helping me to 'live life' in a sensible way - paying bills, eating, etc.

I am glad to be 'acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality - rather than not being so aware of them (as was once the case when I felt 'blind' to those aspects).  It gives me chance to feel more 'in control' of my life and my destiny or path.  I can make choices.  That feels liberating somehow.  I guess I feel a bit more positive today.  Good start to the day.  I hope it continues!

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Three Roses on February 07, 2018, 03:29:32 PM
Quotethat makes you sound like a lovely diamond to me - all different facets and sparkly parts and also some inner depth

This goes for you, too. I hope you can catch at least a glimpse of yourself in this way.  :hug:
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 10, 2018, 06:22:14 PM
Thank you Three Roses.   :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: woodsgnome on February 10, 2018, 09:21:13 PM
I've been concerned, too, with how I can easily dissociate. At our first meeting a couple of years ago, my T recalls how she wrote in her notes wondering if I was schizophrenic/multiple personality. After the second visit--she decided no way was I schizophrenic; that I was a complete package, but my 'flow' was easily subject to frequent and/or sudden dissociation patterns.

So I think it's nothing highly unusual to feel this way on occasion. When i began learning more about this and caught myself doing it, my T reminded me that dissociation is a natural result of traumatic incidents, and nothing to overtly worry about. She actually enjoyed the fact that I caught myself falling into dissociative patterns.

Hope 67 began this tread by noting: "I've always been fascinated by how people 'are' - the parts of themselves they 'show' to others in different situations - and the sides of themselves they keep back/hidden."

Indeed, it seems like many of exhibit chameleon-like behaviours at time, especially around strangers. Or at least I am--I'm wary of everyone, but also sadly know why (trauma). So it's helped to read these sorts of discussions here. Thanks for starting this one, Hope 67.  :hug:
 
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: songbirdrosa on February 11, 2018, 03:43:18 AM
Thanks for reposting this Hope, it really resonated with me.

When I was younger I thought I had no personality at all, so I created different characters and would 'play' them when the situation called for it. I gave them all names, they had different ways of dressing, I even imagined what their faces would look like. It was quite elaborate, to say the least. I think it's what Whobuddy said about "blending" but taken a step or two further. It wasn't DID because I was aware that I was doing it, but thinking back now it's clear I was dissociating a lot.

Even today, I'm still unsure of who I am. Having lived with the trauma for my whole life the line between what's a symptom and what's "me" is virtually non-existent. But I'm working on finding out the difference.

Thanks again, I didn't think to bring this up with my psychologist until now :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 11, 2018, 06:27:03 PM
Hi Woodsgnome - I am so glad you related to this post, and I have to say that I relate to things you've written - especially about 'chameleon-like behaviours, especially around strangers' - I still can't work out 'who I am' when around people I've just met - sometimes I think I'm able to 'feel what their personality is like' - i.e. I feel 'comfortable' or 'inherently uncomfortable' around them or around their space, and I wonder which part of me is able to deduce those things - but it's a very 'felt sense' that seems to be involved.  I remain 'wary' of people though - 'just incase'. 

Hi Songbirdrosa - I am glad that this post also resonated with you, and that you came over to contribute - and having all your different characters that you created as a child, which you then 'played' for when the situation called for it.  Being aware of doing it.  That resonated with me as well.

I like the word 'resonate' - there's something about it - feels comfortable somehow. 

Anyway, thank you both for contributing - I value your replies and I am so glad I managed to repost this thread - as I am looking forward to trying to learn more about the different parts of me, and work out who 'I' am.  I hope your session with your Psychologist goes well, Songbirdrosa. 

Hope  :)

Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 14, 2018, 01:16:24 PM
Hi Hope. It reminds me of a therapy called Voice Dialogue I still do sometimes, where you take different parts of yourself like "The Playful Child" or "The Angry One" and just imagine what would these separate parts say on their own.

Here's a list of questions psychologist John Rowan uses to talk to these separate personalities of ourselves.

What do you look like?
How old are you?
What situations bring you out?
What is your approach to the world?
What is your basic motive for being there?
What do you want?
What do you need?
What have you got to offer?
What are your blocks to full functioning?
Where did you come from?
When did you first meet (name of person)? What was going on?
What would happen if you took over permanently?
What helps you to grow?
How do you relate to women/men/children?

Taken from here (https://scottjeffrey.com/archetypes-psychology/)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Whobuddy on February 15, 2018, 11:10:20 PM
Quote from: songbirdrosa on February 11, 2018, 03:43:18 AM
Thanks for reposting this Hope, it really resonated with me.

When I was younger I thought I had no personality at all, so I created different characters and would 'play' them when the situation called for it. I gave them all names, they had different ways of dressing, I even imagined what their faces would look like. It was quite elaborate, to say the least. I think it's what Whobuddy said about "blending" but taken a step or two further. It wasn't DID because I was aware that I was doing it, but thinking back now it's clear I was dissociating a lot.

Even today, I'm still unsure of who I am. Having lived with the trauma for my whole life the line between what's a symptom and what's "me" is virtually non-existent. But I'm working on finding out the difference.

Thanks again, I didn't think to bring this up with my psychologist until now :)

The word 'resonated' is one of my favorites, too. It is a word I use to try and figure out who I am.

I identify with thinking you didn't have a personality as a child. I was so unwanted and unaccepted in my family, I pretty much did anything I thought they might want me to do trying to get them to like me. One summer when I was about 4, I was a dog so that my sister would play with me.

DecimalRocket, that is an interesting list of questions. Do you think they are useful if the 'parts' aren't fully separate personalities?

The things I talk to my 'parts' about are what they are feeling and then I try to be the adult 'part' and offer comfort and acceptance to them.

Hope67, did you get your book yet? I can't wait to hear what you think about it.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: DecimalRocket on February 16, 2018, 11:20:21 AM
@Whobuddy

Well, I wouldn't call myself an expert on it, but yes, these questions can be helpful when these parts aren't fully separated either. Especially when you need an idea on how your "whole"personality is or how these parts combine into one.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 16, 2018, 03:54:38 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for posting those questions - they are useful - I was thinking about some of them last night at one point when I was awake early.  I really appreciate you posting them.   :)

Hi WhoBuddy - I have got the book now, and I've opened a new thread in the 'Book section' and mentioned you there, so here is the link - oh now, I've lost the link already - thought I'd copied and pasted it, but I had difficulty logging in and must have lost it - but just go to the 'Book section' part and you'll see my post there, with my initial thoughts already written.  I am excited about that book - and am so grateful to you for recommending it.  Even reading through the 'Acknowledgements' part which describes the author's experiences and the people she's worked with  - so many really great experts in Trauma - her writing style, it really fills me with a lot of hope for the content of the book.

I am going to probably work relatively slowly through it - because I've had a few triggering things going on this week, and that's slowing my ability to process - but I am keen to read more, and I look forward to it.

I hope you'll maybe join me in that thread - to discuss your thoughts too - and that others will join us, because that's what makes it so helpful and validating to share our experiences. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Billy Pilgrim on February 17, 2018, 10:45:39 AM
Hello Hope67,

Dissociation has been on my mind a lot, lately. I can identify six distincly different personas in me. I have given names to them: Mr. Perfect, Frightened Child, Desperate Teenager, Protector, Fighter and The Man I Could Have Been And Would Like To Be Always. Long name, that last one  ;), but I am afraid he doesn't see the light of day a lot, these days  :'(

Anyways, the differences are significant. Mr. Perfect is active at work, at the Gym and in patient situations. He doesn't get depressed and doesn't have tics, either. This has delayed correct diagnosis for a long time, since I'll invariably appear to be just fine, sitting in front of a doctor. Never got a Tourette diagnosis, though I constantly have tics when I am not Mr Perfect  :Idunno: Anyways, I defined all six personas for my therapist, and it became clear to me that each and every one of them had developed as a defense mechanism, as a means to keep me alive. So, even though I still keep that weird long name for who I would love to be at all times, I know he wouldn't have lasted to adulthood without the help of the others. So here's a group hug for all our different personas:  :grouphug:


Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Whobuddy on February 17, 2018, 12:11:42 PM
Love the group hug, Billy Pilgrim! Thank you.

I will try to follow the book study, it is difficult ground to write about on a forum, at least for me.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Dee on February 17, 2018, 03:15:58 PM

Welcome Billy.

I also have different me-s.  I have been told I have different ego states.  Yes, it is a coping mechanism.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 17, 2018, 04:04:37 PM
Welcome Billy Pilgrim,
I can see that you've identified the different parts of you, and I love your group hug for all of all our different personas  :grouphug: and I like your description of them as a 'coping mechanism' (and see that Dee also describes it that way too) - I relate to that very much.

This forum is such a validating and helpful place to me, and I hope you'll find it the same way, Billy.

Whobuddy - I think I agree with you that it could be difficult to write about the book study aspect - but I have opened up a thread there, and I did mention you, as it was you who inspired me to get the book, and I really thank you for that, and I hope you'll pop in there as and when you want to.

I have found that the last few nights I've been getting more in touch with some very 'raw' parts of my self - in that I remember feelings I used to have as a small child, and then small sparks of memory are coming back - the only difficulty of that is that when I wake up, I have forgotten to write down the details - and I lose them during the light of day.  I think I need to keep more of a diary to capture those reflections, because in the depth of night, I feel as if a 'Key has turned' and it's like an 'insight' - but somehow the depth and content has gone when I try to recall it the next day. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Whobuddy on February 17, 2018, 04:42:10 PM
 I think I need to keep more of a diary to capture those reflections, because in the depth of night, I feel as if a 'Key has turned' and it's like an 'insight' - but somehow the depth and content has gone when I try to recall it the next day. 
**************
I feel the same way. I have been working on recovering from my past for over a decade now and this book has been the biggest help to me yet. Saying that, it might be a result of everything I have done so far and this book just came at the right time to be a very helpful next step. I will try to post on the book study thread. Just some things I need to arrange in my head first to get ready for revealing more of myself.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 17, 2018, 06:50:23 PM
Hi WhoBuddy,
I agree that it's important to only share what you feel comfortable sharing - so even though I mentioned your name in the 'Book thread' and said you might contribute -  I want to explain that I only did that, because you had written in my journal once that you wanted to share some things about how the book had made you feel, and so I then wrote enthusiastically in the Book thread about maybe that you'd like to contribute there, but there's a part of me that has wondered if I should have said that, as maybe you then might feel some pressure to contribute - and maybe might not feel ready - I am just speaking aloud with regard so some of the thoughts that went through my head, as I am always second-guessing and feeling as if I've 'said the wrong thing' - and that is an annoying trait in myself, but one that I recognise is directly down to my affiliation with the label of complex PTSD.  I've not been officially diagnosed with that label, or indeed any 'label' - but I do gravitate to all the literature about 'complex PTSD' 'dissociation' 'different 'parts' of me' - all those things.

Even now I've just written that, I get my inner critic telling me - 'shut up' 'stop it' - but thankfully I tend to ride past it, because if I didn't - I'd end up not saying anything, and I think being silenced by the inner critic isn't helpful to me.

I really appreciate the fact you and everyone who's contributed in this thread, and in the forum generally are here, because it does feel so supportive.

I'm glad you relate to the things I said about night-time and finding and then potentially losing the content of 'insights' etc.  I remember feeling really 'tuned in' at the time - and literally it's only been so intense since starting the book, but again, it could be as you say, that we're at a point in our individual journeys when insights are coming - and making themselves known.  I hope so.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Billy Pilgrim on February 18, 2018, 03:38:02 PM
Thanks to everybody who commented - and commented kindly - on my two cents above. I am impressed already but how careful people are not to give offense. I wish it were like that on the "outside", too! Years back I used to review cds on British Amazon. Had about 400 reviews posted - then I started to read people's comments  :fallingbricks: Took me an afternoon to delete all reviews, since you have to do it one at a time...

Whobuddy - would you let me know which book it is you are referring to? I am always on the lookout for new perspectives and approaches.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Whobuddy on February 18, 2018, 05:18:01 PM
"Whobuddy - would you let me know which book it is you are referring to? I am always on the lookout for new perspectives and approaches."
**********
Gladly, Billy Pilgrim. I like your 'name' btw. The book is called Healing The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher.

"Even now I've just written that, I get my inner critic telling me - 'shut up' 'stop it' - but thankfully I tend to ride past it, because if I didn't - I'd end up not saying anything, and I think being silenced by the inner critic isn't helpful to me."
**********
Hope, I am so happy that you know how to shut up your annoying critic! That is so powerful. Concerning my concerns, do not worry. I will tread as cautiously as I need to but I definitely want to be involved in discussions about the book. I am new to sharing much about myself here although I have been a member much longer than most. I am sensing that the time is coming to share my 'story' with more than just my therapist and a few close friends. Sharing our stories helps us heal and helps others, too. This revelation in itself is major progress for me.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Billy Pilgrim on February 19, 2018, 08:38:48 AM
Hello again, Whobuddy,

The book looks very promising and I added it to my Amazon shopping cart already :-) Thank you for that!

As for my name: I am afraid I "borrowed" it, from Kurt Vonnegut's novel "Slaughterhouse 5". Vonnegut was traumatized during WW2 and the novel appears to be an attempt at dealing with that trauma. After the introduction, the narrative starts with the words "Listen: Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time". It then goes on to describe how Billy is continously stressed out, because he never knows in advance which part of his life he will have to re-live next. While this is depicted as actual time travel, and is interwoven with a bizarrely funny Sci-Fi story, I read it as a depiction of dissociation. My mind does that to me: it just throws me right back into some previous moment or phase of my life without a word of warning (emotional flashbacks). So I "borrowed" Billy's name. Should I come to terms with things eventually, I'll give it back  :bigwink:
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 20, 2018, 03:19:05 PM
Quote from: Whobuddy on February 18, 2018, 05:18:01 PM
I definitely want to be involved in discussions about the book. I am new to sharing much about myself here although I have been a member much longer than most. I am sensing that the time is coming to share my 'story' with more than just my therapist and a few close friends. Sharing our stories helps us heal and helps others, too. This revelation in itself is major progress for me.

Hi Whobuddy, really glad to hear this.   :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 20, 2018, 03:23:03 PM
Quote from: Billy Pilgrim on February 19, 2018, 08:38:48 AM


My mind does that to me: it just throws me right back into some previous moment or phase of my life without a word of warning (emotional flashbacks).
Me too, Billy Pilgrim - and I also like your name, and it's interesting to hear about where you got your name from, and why you chose it. 

Glad you've purchased the book too - and do pop over to the 'Book Review' threads if you want to join in with discussions there - or indeed, wherever you want to discuss things - but just wanted you to know I hope you enjoy the book.

I am really grateful to Whobuddy for making me aware of it, and I'm taking my reading slowly, but I relate to the book so far.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 20, 2018, 03:25:36 PM
Here is a link to the Book Review discussion thread for the book by Janina Fisher about "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation":

http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8869.0

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 28, 2018, 09:47:06 AM
Possible Triggers (warning) in this section - talking about anger and angry parts of myself.

I wasn't going to write in this section again till I had something more 'formulated' or 'coherent' to say, but now that I think about it, I think 'Just write' - maybe it will make sense to people who might be reading it, and in anycase, write it for yourself and your 'different parts' - and hopefully it will make some sense.

Anyway, since I've been reading the book by Janina Fisher, I have been experiencing more instances of 'getting in touch' with my 'parts' or 'inner children' or 'wounded/hurt/angry' parts - and 'recognising them' more.  But it's been a bit frightening at the same time, because I realise that during some periods in my life - it's as if I was 'taken over' by a dominant part - which made me 'act' in a certain way, and that maybe I wasn't as 'in control' as I'd like to think I was.  Also, I've noticed that it's like a 'curtain' can come down over some memories - and they can even be memories of when I was older, not just the ones from my childhood - and it's as if something protects me from areas that it thinks are 'taboo' for me - or that might 'hurt me'. 

Also, I felt that the last couple of days, the inner parts were 'rushing out' to be 'heard' and I felt a bit 'over-whelmed' - well actually very over-whelmed at times.  When I was crying infront of my partner, I felt like I was a very little girl - not an adult woman, and I felt very scared and wondered if he thought I was a bit 'mad'.  Luckily he was caring and protective in his reply/response. 

Just writing that now, makes me feel tearful - I guess I fear potentially losing him, if I become too 'needy' or whatever other emotion drives me. 

Also, there was an incredibly 'angry' part of me surfacing, to the extent that swear words were coming to my mind, and I never use those words in my normal life - only if I'm in the car and driving - when somehow I can swear more openly.   

I also noticed that I need to tell the 'angry part' not to over-react if my partner's feet come close to me - because there's part of me wants to punch, hit and kick him, and I need to remind myself that he's not going to hurt me.  He loves me.

I feel very emotional and raw writing this, so again, it's hitting a 'nerve' - now I wonder if it's ok to write this in this part of the forum - but the thing is that it's relating to 'acknowledging different 'parts' of me - and I wanted to share it here, to see if others relate - because it would be good to hear validation or any perspectives.

I am going to do some 'grounding' things today - just household kind of things - and that's ok.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Whobuddy on February 28, 2018, 11:12:44 AM
Sending hugs. I identify with what you are going through. Keep reading on in the book. It will explain about befriending your parts and having compassion for all of them even the ones you might think of as negative, i.e. angry parts. I found it easier to befriend and comfort the sad parts more than the angry ones but they are hurting as much or more.

It was overwhelming to me as well. I wrote about my parts. I listed them. I gave them 'names' or titles like sad one, fearful one, invisible one, shamed one, etc. But it wasn't until I found my 'going on with normal life' adult self that I could help these parts. I wrote to them as if they were separate from my adult self. That was a new way of thinking to me and has helped my adult self to 'grow up' a bit and be heard. The author mentions that even small things like standing up straight or sitting tall can help to give your parts comfort in that there is a 'big' person there to help.

So please, read on, and use this to help you see yourself with self-compassion. Just the fact that we 'get' this speaks of the horrible things we went through that caused us to become fragmented selves. Always know that you are not alone. We will help each other.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on March 01, 2018, 10:07:39 AM
Hi Whobuddy,
Your comments makes perfect sense to me - and thank you so much - because it really helps - and I agree that reading on in the book about how to befriend the parts - that's so helpful - I know it's not going to be an easy process, but I can already feel the benefits of relating to the parts differently - and recognising them as 'wounded' parts rather than as 'me' - it also helps me to understand more the night terrors, and how sometimes I can be so 'disorientated' when I first come round/awake from one of those, and how at those moments, I am more blended to the frightened/scared/terrified young child, rather than my own adult self. 

You said at the end of your reply "Always know that you are not alone.  We will help each other." - I totally agree with that - thank you - we can all be here for each other. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on March 18, 2018, 01:57:43 PM
Quote from: Whobuddy on February 28, 2018, 11:12:44 AM
It was overwhelming to me as well. I wrote about my parts. I listed them. I gave them 'names' or titles like sad one, fearful one, invisible one, shamed one, etc. But it wasn't until I found my 'going on with normal life' adult self that I could help these parts. I wrote to them as if they were separate from my adult self. That was a new way of thinking to me and has helped my adult self to 'grow up' a bit and be heard. The author mentions that even small things like standing up straight or sitting tall can help to give your parts comfort in that there is a 'big' person there to help.

So please, read on, and use this to help you see yourself with self-compassion. Just the fact that we 'get' this speaks of the horrible things we went through that caused us to become fragmented selves. Always know that you are not alone. We will help each other.

Hi again WhoBuddy,
I came back here today, because I think I 'met' another 'part of me' last night in my sleep and dreamful waking state - and I've just re-read what you wrote, and was amazed that your descriptions i.e. 'sad one' 'fearful one' almost replicate the 2 'wounded parts' I've so far 'met'.

Last night, I was experiencing pains in my head again, and also feeling as if I was light-headed, and that my hands were going numb with the circulation being cut-off, and I actually feared that I "might die" - so I actually wondered if I'd be alive today - and yet, it was like I was 'blended' with a very wounded part of me that had clearly feared the high levels of anxiety that she had to endure as a child, and I think that I must have 'felt like that' as a child - and there's a horrible depressive malaise that comes with that feeling - I felt 'blended' with her, for much of the night, until I was able to then think - 'No, that's not 'me' - that's the wounded part' - and I felt pleased that she had felt able to show herself to me - she was older than 'Little Hope' (the very small girl that's been showing me her memories of 'The Woman in the Mirror' and other memories - this one I think is whom I'd call 'The Depressed and fearful one' - she is scared that we'll all die.

I'm not sure what to do with this experience - except that I've 'accepted it' and in the light of day, I realise I am ok, I am very much alive, and I am going to just 'go with' whatever else is shown to me over the next few days.

Now, instead of worrying about whatever feelings, thoughts and emotions I'm having, I'm trying to step back and analyse 'which part' is feeling that, thinking that, reacting. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that here - and I relate to what you said - thank you. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Whobuddy on March 19, 2018, 07:55:58 PM
 :hug:

I can't write much now but I think of you often and send warm thoughts and hugs. This is difficult terrain to be sure.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on March 19, 2018, 08:03:35 PM
Hi Whobuddy,
Thank you  - I really appreciate you saying that, and  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on March 26, 2018, 06:22:05 PM
WhoBuddy - thinking of you when I write this, because I am finding that it is quite amazing how many snippets of memory and how much the different parts of me seem to be 'communicating with me' now - that I've started the process of focusing on my different parts - I have started to do the Communication Circle exercise in Janina's book, and I've only done it a couple of times, but now I am going to make it a daily practice, because although I didn't experience 'much' when I first did it, I have found that in the hours 'afterwards' - my parts keep showing me things.

What I've noticed is that just as parts have 'shown' me something, there also appears to be a part that acts as a 'part to rub out the memories again' - which makes it hard to capture them for later thinking about - and I know that I tend to 'forget' any things that are emotionally upsetting - or which might be upsetting to some particular part of me - it's as if there's a protector part who 'rubs things out' - and I thought about what SanMagic had said to me when she commented that I don't have a pen and paper by my bed, because maybe the protector part of me is resistant or actually doesn't want me to necessarily remember some things yet - as it believes I can't cope or tolerate it.

But I am feeling more comfortable about the 'process' now - whereas last week I would have described myself as being 'thrown about' by the 'roller-coaster' aspect of things, as I found it hard not to blend with the emotional parts, and now I am finding that I can distance safely, and begin to try to connect and communicate.  I feel like I 'know' a bit better what I'm doing - although it is clearly early days in it.

I just wanted to share that here, and hope that you read this - as I think you do pop back to this thread, and also the 'book thread' too - I just wondered if you have experienced a similar process - which of the Appendices are you relying on most?  I like all of the methods she suggests, and I guess I try each of them from time to time, but the circular meditation is one that I think I can do daily.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Whobuddy on March 29, 2018, 01:17:54 AM
Hope,
It is lovely that you think of me. Thank you!

I liked the story in the book about the woman who used rubber duckies of different colors to represent her parts. I got stuck on that thought and I found some little plush toys to represent many of my parts. This developed into keeping one in particular next to my computer. He is the one that is my protector part. The toy looks to me like a cross between someone in bandages and armor. Which is a accurate representation of my protector. He pushes me to do things for survival often beyond what I should do. Then gets wounded, hence the bandages. So I look at this 'part' throughout my day and promise him that I will try to have compassion for him and not let him put 'us' in such painful positions anymore.

This has made me more mindful of trying to process too much, too fast. It reminds me to give myself permission to slow down and even say no to things that are not resonating as appropriate at the time.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on March 29, 2018, 08:32:44 AM
Hi WhoBuddy,
Yes, I also liked that part where the woman used the coloured duckies to represent her parts, and thank you for sharing that you have your 'protector part' by your computer - and I think it's great that you've used the plush toys to represent many of your parts - I'm at the stage where I'm going to develop my diagram drawings more, but I think I need something more tangible - and so I will be thinking about how to best 'represent' them.

I also like where it said about the options for certain parts to 'stay at home' in scenarios where some of them might be frightened of a particular action or thing that the 'real life/normal life' part needs to do - and I am beginning to use this - in terms of checking out if all my parts want to join me for different things, or whether any of them want to stay safe at home, and wait till I get back. 

I've also asked them if they'll 'join me' in being more creative - and I want to do some Art or some writing - and I want to see if they'll help me with that - because I realise I'm stuck in those spheres - and can't seem to 'allow' myself to do either of those things at the moment, and I really think it would be good for me.

I think what you wrote about being more mindful of trying to process too much, too fast - that is such great and wise words to say, WhoBuddy - I have tried to tackle that by telling my parts that I am happy for them to share things with me, but that I can only handle a few things at a time, and asking them to be gentle with me - but so far it's been not too bad, because I actually feel empathic towards them - because I can now understand more.  I am also getting in touch with some angry parts and a part that wants to rub things out - and I need to try to ask if maybe that part can trust me more.

I remember you said previously that you were surprised by the number of parts, and I feel the same - there are many of them.  I have recognised the pre-verbal ones, as they literally make my head hurt, or my throat, or my stomach - it can vary depending on which part - but I am beginning to recognise 'patterns' - and also images connected to those parts too.

Your final sentence, where you said that you can say "no to things that are not resonating as appropriate at the time" - I very much appreciate that sentence, and I think it is sensible - and I hope that I will adhere to that as well - as it sounds like it makes complete sense.

I am going to continue to use the book and work through the exercises in the Appendices, and also dip back into the chapters as and when I need to remind myself - as I feel I get more out of it each time I do look back.  Such a great book. 

But even better to be able to discuss it with people here - and thank you, Whobuddy - it's a process that feels quite challenging but also quite incredible to me at the moment.  I was feeling a bit flat earlier on, but just writing about this today and sharing these thoughts with someone - it's very helpful.  Thank you!

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Eljay on May 19, 2018, 02:14:57 AM
Hello everyone, this is a great post. It's so important to acknowledge our different  aspects of ourselves that make us our whole self. Honour them and respect them because they are a part of us, apart of us that helped us to survive. I don't feel a diffent identity in each aspect, I know they are all a part of me, just each  with a  different set of emotions and needs, associated to the traumas that I experienced and had to endure.  Thank you all for you posts. They really are helpful. 🙏🏼
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on May 19, 2018, 06:50:10 AM
Hello Eljay,
Thank you for saying what you said about this post, and I'm glad you've found the contents to be helpful.  I was inspired to read Janina Fisher's book by WhoBuddy, who recommended it, and it's been so helpful in my journey so far - and I'm glad to hear that you have found this forum, because it is such a validating and great place - so many people here who understand and 'get it'.

Wishing you well in your own journey, and hope to see you around here - there's lots to read - so many helpful sections in the forum, and writing a personal Journal can also be really therapeutic - I am on my second one now, and yet when I joined the forum at first, I was scared to even write here.  But I've become braver and also felt it's a place I can write and not feel negatively judged - the reactions and responses from people are so helpful and validating.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: fullofsoundandfury on September 24, 2018, 04:59:41 AM
Yeah, what the heck is with this?

I'm noticing it too. I have been for a few years but it's another one of those things I just stop looking at too closely if things get too real.

I definitely have Protectors. They're scary to outsiders. They're a bit toxic. They don't always see things very clearly or fairly.

I'm quite sure I don't have DID (although if I was the host, I wouldn't necessarily know even if I did, I'd feasibly be the last person on the earth to know. DID is all about hiding).

There are such distinct parts in me with different objectives and opinions. They have different jobs or roles.

I swing between distinct lifestyles and modes of being too.

Just today I was driving home thinking of a strategy to eat, because I don't get hunger signals due to too much flight or fright. I know I've not eaten if I get weak. Not sustainable forever. And the thought occurred to me: just pull up the guy who will make you eat well, let him be active. As though there is a complete self in here, dormant, who could take charge of it so 'I' didn't have to. That was a suggestion that came from inside my own mind to another part of the mind that didn't know that was a possibility.

Another EXTREMELY concerning thing is the memory gaps. Oh my God. I forget 99% of my life, distant past and recent.

And another is that at work I'll see I've done something but have absolutely zero memory of having done it.....???? And I have maybe two or three memories total of being at work? I know  I am physically there, I have a vague, dreamlike memory that I've been there all year, but only a couple actual memories of things that have happened, and they both involve the same room upstairs.

And last night I looked at one of my old university essays from two weeks ago, an annotated bibliography that was meant to inform my research report. And I was reading it like, who wrote this?! I do not have the capacity for that level of academia. But this body definitely wrote it, submitted it and received the grade for it. But 'I' can't do it! I have an essay overdue now and I'm kind of stumped on this idea that it wasn't me who wrote that....

The more I write the more unusual this seems. Maybe I should tell Therapist.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: EZ Linus on September 30, 2018, 05:38:52 PM
I just wanted to tell everyone here that my T has helped me a lot with using Fraser's "Dissociative Table Technique" where all my "parts" are seated around an imaginary table (I wound up making a little painting of all of them) and we use it in therapy to discuss who is aware of whom, and who was present during difficult moments in my life. I have added some, and so far one has morphed into something else. There is a very critical one who has a dragon on top of her head, a  doomsday black hole person, a child, an adult/reasonable person, etc... Lately we have used it with EMDR, but not all my parts are invited when we do those sessions. Some are kept in a cage.
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on October 09, 2018, 03:11:34 PM
Hi Fullofsoundandfury - I find your writings about your parts really interesting - I've only just read what you wrote today - I've been away from the internet for a bit, and returned just a little while back. 

Hi EZ Linus - I will look at Fraser's "Dissociative Table Technique" - it sounds similar to Janina's inviting people to a circle/meeting kind of thing, and I had been meaning to keep a regular practice of connecting to my 'parts' - and seeing who turns up - but I've not been as disciplined or regular with that as I had hoped.  But I am mindful of it, and hope to try to get some kind of regularity to it.  I think you did really well to do a painting of them - I am a little fearful so far of painting or drawing about my feelings/thoughts, as I am fearful - or a part of me is fearful about it.  But I would like to do that.  I think I will do it - when the time feels right. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on October 15, 2018, 07:09:45 PM
I have just re-read the whole of this - from the beginning, and I find it fascinating to see what I wrote, and also the replies of everyone - I know that I wrote what I wrote, but at the same time, I find it really amazing that I did write what I wrote - and I am so grateful to everyone who has replied here.  I'm going to try to use the Meditation Circle again - and also look up the Dissociative Table Technique that EZ Linus has mentioned - as I am hoping to try to connect more to my parts - on this road towards integration.

I'm now reading another book - also about Dissociation, and it's very useful, but I was beginning to feel a bit over-whelmed - which is ok - I just need to pace myself. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on November 20, 2018, 03:13:11 PM
I've been re-reading this thread again today - I am always amazed to see how much I've written in here in the past - it's like I 'forget' and return to feeling as if I'm not really processing things, but I can see I've been trying to process things for some time. 

In terms of recognising different 'parts' - I still haven't looked up Fraser's 'Dissociative Table Technique' that EZ Linus mentioned - it sounds interesting, and I really hope to look it up.  Mentioning drawing - I am still frightened of doing that - I still remember the time when I did some painting in a group setting and was shocked by what I painted - so I'm fearful of that.

I think I'm fearful of quite a few things, BUT I also feel like I want to proceed and work through these things - and make progress.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Hope67 on February 01, 2020, 07:35:35 PM
I've re-read this thread today - and now my head hurts all over, so I think I've overdone it.  Maybe I'm sickening for something, or coming down with something.  Anyway, I'll stop reading now, and have a rest.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Acknowledging different 'parts' of me/my personality
Post by: Kizzie on February 05, 2020, 04:57:52 PM
Rest is a good thing I've found Hope.  I find that although reading and posting here is brilliant in terms of recovery, it also takes a toll sometimes and I need to step away.  So good self-care on your part  :yes:    :thumbup:    :applause: