Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: DecimalRocket on March 27, 2018, 03:25:59 AM

Title: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 27, 2018, 03:25:59 AM
I thought I'd get a new journal now that the old one is getting too long. Not that I still don't want anyone to reply to my last post there.  :whistling:

When I first came here, I thought of the title 'The Sky is Not the Limit" as a pun to my username. Some people call me Rocket around here, and that's what I envisioned. To explore something beyond the skies. Beyond what was currently seen.

Apparently the famous science speaker Neil Degrasse Tyson had the same title on his biography without me knowing disappointingly. Hey, we all know he stole it from me.  :bigwink:

I named this one Back to Earth for a reason. I remember the book 'The Alchemist', and spoiler alert, the main character goes on an entire journey away from home, until he realizes what he really wanted was back at home. The first title was when I thought growing in life was thinking hurriedly, working hard and dreaming big. But as time passed, I grew by settling down, relaxing and becoming more grounded.

I'm coming back to home. I'm coming back to being too stuck in the past and being too absorbed into the future. I'm coming back from the false ideas that I thought would make me perfectly happy.

Yeah, finally. I'm coming back to Earth.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 28, 2018, 11:39:45 AM
No one?

:disappear:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Three Roses on March 28, 2018, 04:14:22 PM
So sorry this received no replies!  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Returning home - brings up conflicting reactions within me. "Back to square one" is one way to express one of my reactions. But it also conjures images of acceptance and love, of having a place within a loving family unit; of having a sort of home base from which to venture out into the world; and one of getting back to the important basics.

But -
QuoteI'm coming back to being too stuck in the past and being too absorbed into the future. I'm coming back from the false ideas that I thought would make me perfectly happy
doesn't sound like progress to me.

Also, no one who is sane is 100% perfectly happy at all times. We are humans with a vast array of sometimes conflicting emotions and innumerable variations of beliefs and viewpoints.

But all in all I like the title of returning to earth. Putting one's feet back on the ground, so to speak.  :thumbup: :bigwink:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Blueberry on March 28, 2018, 09:45:10 PM
DR, I just returned home myself about an hour ago! You're probably a speed reader and speed writer but I'm not! So bear with me :bigwink:

I rather liked The Sky is Not the Limit myself! But coming Back to Earth sounds like being well-grounded which is important too. I hope you don't lose your dreams and aspirations, and also your curiousity, DR.

Well, we'll see where your new Journal takes you!  :rundog:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on March 29, 2018, 07:55:38 AM
I didn't realize you'd made a new journal!
I usually only click on the "updated topics" button, to avoid being overwhelmed on days where I'm already frail.

There is nothing wrong with being flighty, above the skies and looking for new desitnations. But it's also important to have a home to return to. I hope this home that this journal will eventually become, will be one where you feel safe. One which will continue to grow your curiosity, and one where you will allow your "weaknesses" to be there.  I hope it will be a home that you create for yourself, one that is healthy and nourishing. And not one that's repeating the pattern of how you've grown up.

Being grounded also can signify being more connected with one self - and I hope that's where you were going with this.
:hug: if it's okay!
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 29, 2018, 10:35:44 AM
Well, thanks you three.  :grouphug:

TR, well of course I can't be 100% happy. My highest goal in life isn't to be happy. It's to enjoy learning — because joy without curiosity for me is empty, and curiosity even with pain is freeing. 

Berry (I figurded it sounded cooler than Blue), yeah, people tell me I read very fast. My writing on paper is slow and terrible enough that I can't read my own handwriting sometimes, but I type like a robotic cheetah. It's alright if you can't keep up, Berry.  ;)

Sceal, I appreciate that wish that I won't repeat the same views as I grow up. I've been looking at my old journals even before OOTS. I forgot all the effort I put into recovering even then, and I was often too hard on myself. Honestly, I'm . . . overwhelmed on how I was so in pain, yet I never really saw myself as worth anything.  I guess when I was younger, I never really saw myself as just a kid. I thought I knew everything, but now I see how little I knew, and how little resources I had to deal with my pain.

Damn. That's sad.

But as I've forgotten my life, I've focused on the tiny areas where my pain is, and tried to change my perception on these only. But as I looked at my past as a whole through all these journal entries, a more whole picture emerges. Atoms of memories are different from seeing them as molecules of memories connected and interwoven with each other.

And I did a better job surviving than I thought I did.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 29, 2018, 04:26:14 PM
hey, d.r.

i like your new title (i'm finally back to earth enough to be able to reply to a couple posts).  out of it, that's what i feel when i'm caught up in my other stuff - but at times like today, feeling more together, in less pain, was able to take a walk, yep, that's when i feel like i'm back to earth.

it's a solid feeling for me as compared to so much of my life as feeling floaty.  i think i understand what you mean.   when i am able to focus on what i have, what i'm really about, and not feel like all the rest of this stuff takes me off track, that feels back to earth for me.  i get too strung out on too many things that, once processed, i'm able to leave behind.

anyway, don't know if that relates to you, but i'm glad for you that this feels like progress.  it does to me, too, when i have that feeling.   i think you've done a great job of surviving, moving forward, and being able to connect those atoms into molecules.  funny how a change of perception leads to a change in perspective, and how all those tiny bits that seemed so important once can evolve into something more meaningful.  synergy.  i love it.

well done, d.r.  i love you, too.  sending a warm hug filled with newly formed molecules that may continue to form even greater bodies of goodness in your life.

Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 30, 2018, 07:12:58 AM
Glad you're feeling like you're back to Earth, San, and that you liked how I change my perspective.  :hug: My situation isn't as healing since I've been in an EF the whole day, but after I cried my guts out, I feel a lot better. I still feel tense, but hey, it's nice to be calmer.
...
It's summer vacation, and it's not as I hoped.

I missed talking face to face with friends at school. Maybe often I didn't relate to them for the most part, but I related with their humor.  I may feel older or younger in many areas, but my humor is aged like a teenager.

Reading my older journals I genuinely wanted to progress to something big and important, but there was always this contrasting part of me that just wanted to mess around that I ignored.  "Good comedy" always seemed to have to be intelligent in the reviews online, but my own stupid jokes was a break from having to think deeply and seriously all the time. It was freedom.

I remember when I was a preteen, I liked the comfort of things like animating lame puns with Javascript, absurdist stories in HTML/CSS webpages, and pranking people and memes., but it was to run away from my inner seriousness and shame. Whenever I'd joke around, I remember my mom would tell me how an embarrassment I was. When will I grow up? When will I ever get more serious?

I hoped summer could last forever, but summers end.

It always ends.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 30, 2018, 05:03:17 PM
it does always end, d.r., but with that ending there is always a beginning.  something new to focus on, absorb, make decisions about, whatever. 

i'm glad you have your humor (even if i don't get it at times - but that's just me).  i have mine as well, and not everyone always gets mine, either.  plus, i love to laugh - loud and long.  i've been shamed for that, given weird looks at times, but at other times, people, even strangers, smiled or laughed right along.  and is there anything better to impart to the world than humor?

it gives us all a break from the dreadfulness that can surround us, envelop us, even enmesh us.  there's a difference between being childish and childlike, right?  don't ever lose that childlike sense about yourself and the world, no matter what anyone says.  i think it's one of our few hopes.

i hope you find ways to maybe reach out socially even tho you're on vacation.  keep the faith, as we old hippies used to say.  you never know what you might find if you peek thru a new doorway.  love and a big hug, d.r.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on March 30, 2018, 06:16:00 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on March 30, 2018, 07:12:58 AM
after I cried my guts out, I feel a lot better. I still feel tense, but hey, it's nice to be calmer.

Glad you're feeling calmer, Decimal Rocket - and sometimes it can really help to cry. 

Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' and offer you a hug  :hug: if that's ok.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on March 31, 2018, 10:27:51 AM
Thanks San and hi Hope.  :hug:

I'm planning to enroll into summer classes so I can learn something with other people, but for now, being alone most of the time is fine. It's a nice break to ponder and heal for my life at my own pace. Having to talk to so many people so often for group works was exhausting then.

I'm a little shy about how I get interested in things. I have a certain level of respect to hearing everyone's ideas- from talking to a friendly professor of marketing about educational issues or listening and making rap beats with the bros, yo. Seeing how people could potentially stereotype me with different interests is . . . worrying.
....

I used to think modern art makes no sense, and in a way, it still is.

I practiced being aware of my own emotions by seeing how I felt viewing these online. Often when I pay attention to the humanities, it's to understand other people's emotions, not mine. I remember often struggling to recognize my own feelings when it was otherwise and my mind wandering to something more logical. Now while only very slowly, I can be aware of subtle changes in my emotions here.

I remembered Jawlensky's Young Girl in a Flowered Hat the most. It was a well dressed woman looking down shyly at her fan, but as a video critique said, the style suggested something otherwise. The lines were bold and the colors aggressive in a way that was harmonizing together.

I felt like her. A quiet and shy person hiding or even suppressing something more intense inside. Being a lot more mellow and underconfident to push down something overly confident and incredibly ambitious. Hmm. I guess my humor was a way to express this side to balance myself out and be rough in a really friendly way.

To be honest, sometimes It's overwhelming. Growing up to see that other people and myself aren't as black and white as I thought.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 31, 2018, 04:04:34 PM
yeah, no kidding on that black and white stuff.  it's difficult at times to find our way among the gray, where we fit, what fits for us, all of it.  then to be able to place others there as well - absolutely can be overwhelming.

when i've done art therapy, a lot of it was abstract.  the colors, types of lines, sort-of images came out thru my hands without any real thought from me.  i don't know if anyone else could make sense of it - it didn't really make 'sense' to me either.  just an artistic (if you want to call it that) expression of what was swirling around in my mind at the time.

i like your relation to that painting.  it ended up saying a lot.  thanks for sharing, d.r.  i'm glad you're going to have some space for reflection before starting more classes.  that can be very valuable learning time.  maybe you'd want to do some of your own abstract art.  hmmm ...   love and a big hug, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 01, 2018, 10:24:01 AM
Well, I'm too shy to say what happened today. I'm feeling calmer now, but I get this sense that I'm dissociating and forgetting an issue. It feels like the calmness could erupt into panic any moment.

Just a small favor if anyone would be okay with it? Mind if someone tells me what good they see in me? Like strengths, specific victories, talents and growth? For some reason, I've been filled with a deep craving for someone to praise me at something and I've felt better from praising myself but it's not enough.

I still think I'm worthless, and maybe I'm asking for too much again.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 01, 2018, 10:42:59 AM
You voice your thoughts, and are receptive to people having a different opinion than you - and seemingly you accept that. You are open to more knowledge and different perspectives - always looking to broaden your horizon. You are clever, you are curious, and you fight. You don't give up.
You also admit your vulnerabilities, you ask for reasurrance when it is important for you. You ask for help.
There is alot to admire about you, and i hope that you can see that too, if not now - maybe in time.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 02, 2018, 12:08:17 PM
Well, Sceal, thanks to people like you, I slowly see it in myself as time passes. Though, I fall back and doubt myself often.

....

My emotions are slowly coming back . . . and that includes sexual feelings.

Well, this is awkward, at least to me. Honestly, when I think of this, I remember Christian Education class. "Masturbation is a sin." "Abstinence is benevolence." "Marry then be fruitful and multiply." Hey, I'm not Christian anymore, but I still have . .  Catholic guilt.

I was the kid who made multiple dirty jokes, but for some reason now that I actually feel these things, it's gotten . . . weirder. I mean, I mentioned those feelings coming back several posts ago, but they were very rare. About a few times per month, and these days, it's something else. I have much to learn from the . . . magic of puberty.

I guess being emotionally numb makes me a late bloomer in this department, huh? Especially since I broke one of those rules I mentioned earlier. With some imagination, alone time, and uhh. . . homemade items created from my originality and ingenuity. Then add to that bisexuality and it's stranger. When I told some friends, they were upset. Very upset.

Upset that they couldn't figure out my crush that easily because they had to pick one from both genders. Well, I'm not going to tell them, I'm sure. :whistling:

This doesn't really stop the Catholic guilt though. Haha.

Crap.

Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 03, 2018, 09:15:20 AM
Continuing from the last post. . .

Me : Catholic Guilt, you still there? *Opens box*
CG : YOU WILL BRING SHAME ON YOUR COMMUNITY, YOUR FAMILY AND WILL GO TO *.
Me : *closes box* Yeah, still there . . .
CG :  Your hand is wet. . .
Me : Errr, I just washed my hands.  :whistling:

....

I don't know, but with all this I'm starting to feel ordinary, and even though I wanted to be normal, I hate it.

It sounded more impressive when I worried about big deeper issues, and not worrying about everyday teenage problems. I don't even enjoy remembering my age. I was always dissociated from knowing my age on some level, and I guess it's because some people underestimate me for it.

Sometimes I like learning things like the Mandelbrot equation or the philosophy of reality. Sometimes I like watching things things like a cooking anime or a really cheesy magical highschool show. I'm sure more people praised me more when I wasn't being ordinary, but I like ordinary things too.

In some ways, I'm extraordinary, and in other ways, I'm ordinary.

I hope it's just enough to stand out and enough to fit in.

Well, soon I have to figure out if I can just "wash my hands".
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 03, 2018, 04:02:59 PM
you brought a smile to my face this morning, d.r. with your little cg scenario. 

unfortunately, it's too bad about the guilt and shame.  i don't believe in anything or anyone anymore who does that to someone.   sucks.  feeling guilt and/or shame for being human?  no, ain't buying it, not even renting it.

i know that religious stuff runs deep and is difficult to get rid of.  they also use that fear of eternal damnation on top of everything else to try to keep us in line.  also sucks.

i can totally relate to what you said about being ordinary.  i've struggled a lot with that myself.  well, when i was growing up, c's weren't allowed on my report card (and kids who got c's were average).  the expectations for me were always to be above that, and i was in so many ways.  coming down off that pedestal has been a hard trip.

love you and a big hug today, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 04, 2018, 10:51:39 AM
Glad it was funny to you, San. I was panicking but at the same time I found it all a little funny. Haha. It's humbling in a way. Having impulses like these reminds me that I'm not just human, but an animal. Human beings like to think they're outside nature, but in truth we're part of it. It makes it easier not to be so hard on my emotions and be connected to something beyond human beings.

...

Thinking things through, I get why it's easier for me to understand people now even with Asperger's.

OOTS is a better place on learning how to understand people than occupational therapy. It provides a much more practical view of people to connect with the ideas of my obsessive study into psychology. I understand people faster, better and warmer. No need to read as many reviews or comments on fiction books or shows to understand what in the world is going on.

Though I can still lose stamina on understanding even more commonly understood social situations, but hey the energy will come back eventually. My alone time then is a sweet treat. Body language is harder though. It's easier to memorize body language pictures in a book, but . . . bodies move so fast in real life. So . . . fast.  Well, tone of voice is a little easier.

I find affection awkward, and so I can act incredibly blunt because my logical brain loads faster than my emotional brain. People keep telling me that my fondness for them behind those words are obvious. Oh damn. I think it's in my body language. How do they tell? People are magicians. I don't even notice what I'm feeling in the moment when people say what they think I'm feeling sometimes.

It's rewarding to have this progress, but I think my brain exploded. When this happens, I don't understand people as well, but the emotions that I care about them are still there, and I'm not sure if many people care about me too. But I care about them.

That's simple enough for even me to understand after all.

Just. .  . why do my softer emotions have to show up so easily without me knowing? It's embarrassing, and what it does to my emotions and other's emotions is . . . confusing. Very confusing.

I make a terrible liar.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 04, 2018, 05:35:08 PM
i'm a terrible liar, too, and i just burst out laughing when i read that from you.  my emotions are so plain on my face, even when i'm trying to hide them for whatever reason.  even when i'm not even aware of what they are myself.  it is weird.

i've found this forum to be very fundamentally helpful as well.  i read as much as i could find about narc abuse, recovering from it, etc., but it's been the actual kindness, generosity, and love i've gotten from people here that put the practical suggestions into play.  i would have never thought that of an online support group.  nor, as someone else mentioned, the closeness i feel to some of the people here.  you're one of them, despite the difference in our ages.

keep up the good work, d.r.  birthday coming up.  o boy.  love and a warm, caring hug to you.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 05, 2018, 10:52:10 AM
Heh. Well, nice to hear from you, San. My bluntness doesn't really help much. It doesn't help that my voice is uncontrollably softspoken from lack of use.

The problem is that they're also more touchy feel and affectionate than . . . other places, and that's. . . that's terrifying. I've even seen big men hugging each other here without anyone blinking an eye.

I kinda like it.

I'll eventually learn to like warmth from other people more though. . .  I hope. :whistling: Eughh.

On my birthday, I want no big parties. Small gathering. I'll just buy books. Lots of them. Also rice. Rice is the meaning of life.

On a more serious note, I'm not going to open up about the rest of the day. In truth I worked through some tough stuff with tears, but I'm not ready to share it. I just like to take it easy for today.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 05, 2018, 01:45:36 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,

Glad you've decided to take things easy for the rest of the day, and I would like to wish you an ok remainder of the day.   :hug: to you, if that's ok. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 05, 2018, 09:07:09 PM
 :yeahthat: I echo everything Hope said!  :hug:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 06, 2018, 01:09:25 AM
take your time.  if you ever feel like sharing, we're here for you.  love and a warm hug (cyber, so not too touchy feely)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 06, 2018, 03:46:45 AM
Thanks everyone for the well wishes.  :grouphug:

As I recover, I move away from the extremes of viewing myself, while becoming more realistic. The past and future is no longer a complete disaster or a complete miracle. Whatever conditions I have both provide strong disadvantages and advantages to how it manifests in my specific situation, not others or in stereotypes. I'm no epitome of weakness or perfection of a human being.

I'm just . . . me.

But I miss being in those extremes of good. I miss thinking highly of myself on a delusional level. I know what's wrong about it, and I'm not turning back, but I miss it. I crave it, and maybe I'm being a **** for still craving it.

Though, I'm deeply ashamed. I see learning as something essential, and arrogance means there's no openness to learning. Second to that worry is that I'm just concerned about what other people will think of this craving. I keep remembering how other people saw me before,  especially considering I don't exactly make the best liar.

Many people would say I'm pretty openminded and I could see that, but there's a side of me that wants clear answers. A side of me that doesn't want to admit I'm wrong or I don't know, and it drives the side of me that wants to learn crazy. I'm scared. The only reason I'm on OOTS right now is because I was curious enough to research about several things, and I came across trauma.

I feel less shy to talk about my own interests (even if it's just online), but I hate what shyness is left there. I'm not used to people being able to be equal or even better at my level in intellectual debates or discussions. I'm not used to situations where how my bluntness is softened with humor, and others' straightforwardness seems like bluntness to me.

Maybe I'm just being an easily offended ***** and being incredibly petty.

I've been trying to push it down with shame, underconfidence and overmodesty.

I may look easygoing at first glance and people ask me if I ever get angry, but the truth is that I'm full of pride. I'm pissed at people. Pissed at myself. Pissed at my own inner critic.

I just wanted to belong.



Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 06, 2018, 12:17:49 PM
nothing wrong with being pissed off if that's what you need to do. 

no shame in being who you are, who you were, who you might be.

i get the arrogance part, having the answers, thinking i'm better or more than others.  it was getting so sick that helped get me off most of that pedestal.  i'm glad you're getting down without that extreme needed to push you off.  it hasn't been fun, but maybe it was what i needed.  i might never have climbed down on my own.

i rarely, if ever, get mad at myself or feel ashamed.  that hasn't been part of my emotional makeup for too long.  only recently have i been able to feel any of those things, and only sporadically. 

funny how an opportunity at learning led you here, where you've become such a valuable member of this community.  i love it when the magic does its thing.

keep going, sweetie.  sending a hug full of love and acceptance no matter what.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 07, 2018, 12:57:11 AM
Thanks, I needed that acceptance. Badly.  :hug:

But I don't understand it.

When I was younger, my mom expected me to be proper and kind to people while I warmed up in a more lighthearted and straightforward way. She praised me when I learned more about the practical, but not when I prioritized the intellectual and fun.

Later she praised me when I was loud and happy but not when I was quiet and mellow. I was more analytical and casual while she was more emotional and formal.

She praised me on things she liked in herself without ever asking me what I liked and got angry when I was different. She told me to imagine how others would see her as a terrible mom, huh?
As a kid, I kept making sound arguments against the rules of adults, but somehow that withered away with time. I grew more . . . passive and . . . distant.

Sigh. Lying never suited me. I form my words like an engineer. Always trying to find the precise words, while keeping things simple enough. That's why I nearly always have edits. The slightest falsehood and lack of clarity just seems so . . . inaccurate.

Heh. Numberphile's fans are full of people making terrible jokes that require knowledge of advanced math to understand. What kind of nerdy morons like to think up math pick up lines anyway?

Well, I do.   :whistling:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 07, 2018, 02:18:24 AM
you're not alone, d.r.  lying never suited me, either.  i got in trouble a lot for telling the truth in my family, even tho one of my dad's biggest deals was to be honest.  talk about mixed messages.

that acceptance thing is so huge.  accepting us for who we are, not what we look like, not how we make others look, not cuz of doing well or living up to someone else's expectations.  our little child voices get drowned out no matter how we try to explain our own truths - be it thru words, or even pre-verbal. 

adults have bigger and louder voices.  we never could win, never could be ourselves, never could be good enough, never could get accepted.   we never had a chance.

i hope no numberphile ever tries a pick-up line on me.  i wasn't too good at math, especially past geometry.  i liked working theorems, but that's about it.  if someone expected me to understand higher math in order to know that they wanted to go out with me, i wouldn't get it.  another one bites the dust.

i don't think you have to understand acceptance as long as you know it feels right when you get it.  it's a gut thing.  keep taking care of you, sweetie.  love and a big hug full of acceptance.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 07, 2018, 11:59:58 AM
Something you feel rather than understand, huh? I'd keep that in mind.  :hug:

Haha. I don't have standards high as that with the math. For a very simple to understand example, there are amicable numbers — numbers that aren't complete without each other. For example, there's 220 and 284. Because if you take the numbers that divide them perfectly together, they add to each other.

220 has
      1, 2, 4, 5, 10, 11, 20, 22, 44, 55, 110 and it adds to 284.
284 has
       1, 2, 4, 71, 142 and it adds to 220.

Me, you, and the people I care about like this forum is like 220 and 284. We are made of inner factors that complete each other's inner factors. Personally, I find it heartwarming.

Man, I'm weird.

Anyway, I've been posting more on my own threads recently if that's alright. I'm getting more emotionally affected by others' pain, and it's a little too much for me even if I'd like to see how other people are doing. Oh well then.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 07, 2018, 10:05:51 PM
aren't we all?  weird, i mean.  but, wonderfully weird are the people i like to hang onto.

yep, i was right about the numberphile.  didn't understand a word of that.  but, i'm glad it makes sense to you, cuz that's what counts.  whatever way it works best for you to feel good about yourself, being here, learning new things, how stuff mixes and matches.  i would probably go with colors.

love and a big hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 08, 2018, 08:00:11 AM
It's alright to focus on your on thread for a while. Sometimes it's just too much to take in other people's thoughts, discoveries, progress, setbacks and pain when we're trying so hard to improve ourselves. It's perfectly okay to take a break and just dot down your own thoughts for a while.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 08, 2018, 08:44:22 AM
San, Is that what you think? Oh well. I warn you, I get weirder as time passes.   :bigwink: Okay, I also died from embarrassment.

Thanks Sceal for the reminder. I guess as I get more softhearted, I need to make sure I don't push too far the balance between things for myself and others.

...

If I think about it, I grew up with values no one ever praised me for. Independent thinking. Open mindedness. Reflection. Curiosity. Objectivity. Here what mattered more was family, religion, generosity and traditon. Not that I don't see the value of these, but I care about other things more.

It was lonely in some way. No one ever praised me for these, and so the foundation of my self esteem for what I cared about the most was low. It felt like the things I cared about the most was the things most invisible to others.

I remember I had a talk with my tutor several months ago, and he went on a lecture on how he rebelled as a teenager too. I disagreed. Unlike some people here, I believed respect for older people's advice is earned, not given.

"The past's beliefs have stayed long enough for a reason," he said.

"But the past is no longer here, and beliefs have to be updated."

"We're guided by tradition and rules. Without it, there's no order."

"I can't find my own rules without chaos. I have to look to the future."

"The future was built on the past."

"But the future was built on top of the past."

He was smothering, controlling and closeminded, but he had a point. But I had a point too that he didn't acknowledge.

And so I looked to the past but still tried to move on beyond it. Not the objectivity of following rules, standards and feeling no emotions. It was the objectivity of wisdom and balance between opposing views. Though, I still kept hoping someone would acknowledge my own views since I need support.

Well, I want to be logical, but not cold after all.




Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 08, 2018, 06:17:55 PM
i do like wonderfully weird people.  diversity, to me, is what makes the world go round. 

i have to admit, i totally see your point.  i think family/tradition is important, but i also think individuality is important.  we take the best from what we've been taught, and forge our own future, like you said, on top of that.

my conservative tradition was that you live in your parents' house till you get married, then live with your spouse the rest of your life.  i followed that till it blew up in my face - the guy i was gonna marry dumped me when i was 21.  all the plans had been set.

so, when the opportunity from 2 friends came along to move to the free-spirit west coast, so. calif., the beach, surfers - an alien world to me - i jumped at it, broke tradition, and began finding myself and my life.  it's taken many years, but i'm now back with family (my d) and actually going to find a new life with her.  at least as long as that works.

i acknowledge and honor those attributes, talents, and skills that weren't seen as something to celebrate in you, d.r.    you are finding your own way in spite of what you've gone thru.  if it's not weird, i'd like to say i'm proud of you for that.  you're also adding kindness, compassion, and caring to that list.  becoming a very well-rounded young person. 

love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 09, 2018, 09:01:50 AM
Haha. Thanks.  :hug:

I do like rules and order. I just prefer it to be my structure and order, not others. External rules can be broken and my room can be a mess, but I try not to break my own rules, you know?

People think of logic and emotions as separate, but they're always together somehow. When some people are "logically" analyzing a machine for example, there could be all kinds of emotions behind it. Playfulness. Need for winning. Nostalgia. A lot more than that too.

The logic people talk about of suppressing feelings acts like it's not feeling anything, but what it really feels is fear of strong emotions. You see, the emotions I prefer behind my logic are much more . . . healthy than that, like compassion.

Make no mistake. I prefer logic to take the lead, but good rulers listen to their kingdom rather than become a tyrant, don't they?

...

I feel a little troubled about my birthday coming tomorrow. I just feel like I don't deserve all the happy birthdays already said today and will be said tomorrow.

I went out for a small gathering for some good Thai food, and people who know me well know I have a thing for different types of Asian food. I was treated to books from the history of the Samurai to a book on drawing activites.

But I just feel bad for all this. It's a celebration of me, but I'm not sure I deserve to be celebrated. I'm a bit exhausted from the flashbacks this attention has triggered.

On my birthday, I'd just like to settle down and stay home to ponder things on my own. All the upheaval of talking to people, going to a big mall for a restaurant and a bookstore takes a lot on my sensitive nervous system. Thinking on my own is my favorite thing to do after all, and I get homesick pretty easily.

Yeah. That would be a nice celebration.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 09, 2018, 02:53:53 PM
i hope you have exactly the quiet celebration you want on your day. 

i loved being 17.  it was a good year for me.  i hope the same goes for you.

happy birthday for tomorrow, sweetie.  you deserve to have a happy one.   love and hugs.    :wave:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 09, 2018, 05:11:00 PM
It's taken me a long time to learn this, but on my birthday I should be allowed to choose what I want.
It's a nice sentiment to have a dinner somewhere. But more often than not I prefer travelling on my birthday, to avoid what you write about the dinner, the obligatory thank yous and acceptance of various things.

But it is your birthday. And even if you can't choose this year, maybe next year you can decide to stay at home and ponder if that is how you want to celebrate your birthday. Perhaps make a promise to yourself that you will be able to choose your favourite activity on your birthday. Because, it is your day. And you are worth it. We are all worth it.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 10, 2018, 12:31:10 PM
 :hug: to San and Sceal.

...

There's a TV trope called Bittersweet Seventeen. It's when a character aged 17 becomes nostalgic on their past. For childhood. Haha. Well, they hit it right on the nail, don't they?

Sigh.

Bloody video games, and fashion Facebook games. Pewdiepie Let's Plays and when my attention span was shorter for bite sized educational videos. Especially Ted talks. Even farther back I played with remote controlled cars, and dressed up dolls. I read nearly every children's fun fact book in the library, and drew anime characters terribly.

Adults hid me from the dark side of human life, but I was too curious to find out. Intellectually, I understood. Emotionally, I interpreted them in an overly simplistic way, and I . . . grew jaded too soon. No one ever guided me through those beliefs as a kid. No one. Sometimes I wish I wasn't smart enough to question things like that then. That's too much for a kid to handle alone, or even with a kind adult.

Sometimes, I tell my inner child it's okay not to fully understand all the bad things in the world to survive in it. "Hey kid, trust me. I still don't." I'd have time for more lighthearted stories , and completely impractical math equations like the percentage of choosing the best toilet seat out of a 100. Time for more laughs, daydreams, and "kewl asse memes".

Time less spent on the cold hard truth.

My inner child would enjoy the break for a while, but after some time, they'd have a shine in their eyes.

They still want to learn the truth of things for the sake of it, no matter how much it can break them.

"Well, there's no turning back, but for now, shut up kid. Go binge watch a superhero anime and doodle a half penguin-half seahorse. Also add floating swords like Erza Scarlet from Fairy Tail ."

And so I did.




Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 10, 2018, 05:42:01 PM
 :hug: to you Decimal Rocket.   :)

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 10, 2018, 07:50:48 PM
love you, d.r.  every new life event brings change - an ending and a beginning.  i'm exploring being 70 for the first time, while my spirit steadfastly remains 27.  physically, i can't do now what i did at 27.  but, i can still dance.

the thing about learning stuff too soon without an adult to also teach and support is an interesting concept to me.  we process that stuff with a child's mind, and it takes on its own personality.  having a supportive adult around could have been reassuring, comforting, and given explanations and spins on such knowledge that comes with life experience, something a kid doesn't have, but also something a kid could hang onto that would assuage fears and concerns.

warm hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 11, 2018, 08:15:59 AM
Hope,  :hug: .

Thanks, San. :) New beginnings, huh? Then I wonder what is actually beginning, and what exactly is ending. I want to see what's everyone's doing, but talking to people here doesn't come naturally intellectually or emotionally to me, and it can be tiring. I'll keep my distance for now. I still catch myself missing and worrying about people here though.  :Idunno:

....

There is no music.

Barely any music at all.

In movies, reading the mood of the situation was a little harder to me, but I always understood the music. I understood if the music was a harrowing sorrow or if it was a morning playfulness. A pounding frustration or a tumble of nervous excitement. After a while, I figured out that what the music the movie played didn't always predict how others interpreted the mood of it all. Sometimes, their ideas even run counter to it.

I always had a type of "music" that filled my interpretation of life in my head. I'm more grounded. Less wrapped in worries of my overactive mind. I thought what I feared most in life was the noise, but what I feared most now was the silence. True silence.

Not the external silence of my simple room, but the silence of my mind. Little unnecessary assumptions and less of other people's judgemental opinions.

And it's terrifying.

I have to make my own conclusions and decisions. No one could tell me the exact answers. I have to trust myself even more, and I don't know if my ideas are worth trusting.

For the first time in my life, I begged for noise.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 11, 2018, 07:58:23 PM
sounds like an ending and beginning of sorts right there.  less of what you were used to and decisions about what to put in its place.  i think it might be called growth, both on an emotional and physical level.  you're becoming an adult in various ways.  time to put the things of childhood behind.

go slow.  you've got time.  time to settle in with these new realizations, time to make more room for who you are and who you are becoming as well as the time to start letting go of what isn't necessary anymore.  it's part of the process, d.r., even tho it can be scary at times.  you'll make it thru, of that i have no doubt.  and when you do, you'll be wiser for the journey.

love and a big hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 12, 2018, 07:09:32 AM
San, thanks. I'll take it slow.  :yes:

....

Often, I flashback to a forum post I made when I thought I was getting better at my own social skills and warmth. Someone just came in and said I couldn't have possibly made it this far at my age, and that my views I described were naive. I overestimated myself.

That was all true, but it still crushed me. Those areas were my weakest in life, and to have someone blatantly tell me broke me. I've been thinking it over and over for several months now, maybe even nearly a year.

Whenever I think I improve in these areas at all, I'd always suspect that I'm arrogant in some ways about all this. I tried my best at self awareness, but it still doesn't feel enough. I can accept criticism in other areas better, but this one?

This one just makes me vulnerable in a nerve wracking way.

I wish that person back then would acknowledge my effort at least there, because damn did I put so much blood, tears, and sweat to understand other people and to interact with them well. I hid it even with the months spent at OOTS because I found all that painfully embarrassing. I mean, come on. Why am I still butthurt about it? He was right, and I already made progress on what he said.

And why am I in tears about it now?

Some things I observe with people are strange. They praise people too much on what they've already accomplished rather than encouraging them to accomplish something they still haven't.

I didn't just want acceptance. I wanted praise for any improvements in results I had, no matter how small. I wanted to be confident to act and trust on what I learned, not just confident in being worthy of love.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recoveryi Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 12, 2018, 10:11:03 AM
I think you are touching on some very important things here.
Perhaps it still hurts because your progress at that topic was deeply important to you. And as you say, your progress weren't acknowledged.
From the short time I've interacted with you, I believe you have progressed. You have grown, explored. Dared to ask the hard, vulnerable questions. Which is important and impressive. Perhaps today you can allow yourself to be sad for something that meant alot to you, and maybe by allowing to feel the sadness you might feel better afterwards. A form of healing.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 13, 2018, 04:08:21 AM
Thanks Sceal. That allowed me to grieve when you said that. I feel a lot better about it. :)

.....

I get the sense that I'm not connected to my feminine side. Though I do feel like deep inside, I'm both masculine and feminine. That I am both of these sides. I don't get why, and I dislike having a need that wasn't created through logic. It makes it confusing, but I have to make do.

I guess I avoided it because my mom is an utter girly girl - romance shows, gossip, warmth, etc. and I didn't want to be reminded of that much. I've been analytical and logical for as long as I remember sure, but I wasn't masculine in an aggressive or a stoic way, and tended to be more friendly. Even expressive, when I'm not quiet. I'm shy to have emotions I don't fully understand on display, but well, it just. . . comes out.

They say guys are pressured to not cry and girls are pressured to not speak up in anger. Me? I was pressured to not do both, and was pressured to be both tough and kind from my mom. Especially since when I was more isolated, I socialized online more, and I didn't really inform people of my gender. People assume things, and they react differently. Hence because of the mixed messages, I just fell back to being distant.

My inner critic makes it that my manhood and womanhood is being bruised at the same time, and it doesn't even give me a clear goal. I want the healthy side of both, not the unhealthy side of both other people have pressured on me.

I want to feel free to express anger and sadness. I want to speak with factual bluntness, and other times with indirect gentleness. I want to solve integral equations, and draw really adorable kittens on the side of them. I want to watch hardcore actions shows and deep romance novels. *, sometimes I wish I can vary the gender of my underwear when I sleep at night. I want my curiosity to have no pressures on boundaries of interest.

I want to be a man, and I want to be a woman.

Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 14, 2018, 06:15:08 AM
I guess the above's not as bad as it looks. Where I live might be full of poverty and traditional in most ways, but people around are a lot more accepting with differences in gender and LGBT, with one close exception in my life. At least in the city here and those who are well off financially tend to be more open minded. Outside those? Well, I'd have to be cautious . . . very cautious. I picked most bad ideas on the immature parts of the internet in my isolated days and well, I was a neglected kid.

I dislike talking about controversial issues like this. Feels like I'll attract rages because I said something unclear or stupid. :disappear:

....

I remember someone said that emotional intelligence was more than compassion. It was a connection to society. How would I connect to people I have never met? For an entire year, I wondered what that meant, and now I think I might have.

It's a funny thing how we can be connected to people we never met. When we read a story, fiction or non fiction, we can feel for these characters. When some people post here, many are not just talking to those who reply but people who will never say a word. People create articles, books, drawings, videos, movies and all kinds of communication for those who they never met. Why?

They had something I don't. A much stronger imagination for what people might go through as they communicate. When I say something on the other hand, everyone who does not directly talk to me or reveal about themselves. . . are entirely invisible to me. I stopped writing articles for a wider audience for a reason and settled for more direct back and forth forums like this.

It's why I spent much of my time hear being sensitive to no one replying. To me, it doesn't matter how many views are shown. Literally no one seems to be reading it. They're numbers. I can't imagine the human behind them or trust myself that I'll make a good guess. I can't fully trust others' stories I've read online or in books as a spectator either.

But to talk intimately to people here, and to open up just a little more to people in real life. . . it gets easier to imagine and trust what other people I never met are like. And while not as strong as those I know, I feel closer to them too.

Sometimes when I think I'm alone in something, I imagine that somewhere out there, someone's experiencing something similar. I've never conversed with them or have even heard of them. Never laughed with them. Never shared secrets. Never seen their voice, their smile, or their tears.

But I know and trust they exist, and that I'm not alone.

Oh, and hi there whoever you are.  :wave:



Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 14, 2018, 06:57:42 PM
i remember feeling something similar, i think.  maybe not, but what you wrote reminded me of something that happened a long time ago.  i never realized that just my being was something that was noticed and made an impact on people.  of course, most of my life i was floaty, so i didn't realize i had an impact on anyone or anything.

anyway, i was a therapist in a day treatment program, adol. girls, and it was a school as well as a therapy setting.  at times if one of my girls acted up in class, i was called to come and calm her down so she could rejoin the class and get back to her schoolwork.

one day, one of my girls was having problems in math, so i went there, took her aside while the class continued, and she and i had a chat about what was going on.  she just needed some support and a little stabilization, it took about 10 min. or so, and she was able to go back to her seat with no more problems.

that year was when i left.  my best friend also worked there, and she sent me a letter about 6 mos. later.  it seems that the math teacher had approached her, told her the story of what happened in her class, how it impacted her and her class, and that she could only imagine how much my friend missed me. 

when my friend told me this, i was stunned.  the praise was enormous, and i couldn't comprehend it.  to me, i was just doing my job, helping a girl with a problem.  that was the first indication i had that what i did in my life can have profound and far-reaching effects on someone i was not directly involved with.  the teacher was so grateful for my intervention, how calmly and quietly it happened, and how quickly that her students barely missed a beat.

i was in my 50's when this happened, was blind to anything like that before.  you, d.r., have learned so much about yourself and your interaction with the world around you at such a tender age, it's a marvel to me.  i was the one who was naive for so long, unknowing.  you have accomplished so much in such a short time.  it's truly amazing to me.

but the views that are shown, the people who are reading your stuff even if not replying - i've learned that you're having an impact on them as well.  maybe they don't feel like anything to you (i basically ignored that teacher - she wasn't my focus.  i don't think i said 2 words to her when i was in that class), but they're real nonetheless.  it took that incident to happen to me at that age before i understood that.

your growth is your own and needn't be compared to anyone else's.  if it feels real to you, it is, and deserves to be acknowledged.   i'm glad that your participation here is making the others more real to you, too.  you are a bright star, sweetie.   love and hugs.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 15, 2018, 09:00:48 AM
Thanks for sharing that story with me, San. I guess I get surprised that people say I'm wiser beyond my years is because I don't exactly come off as "wise" in real life. I look quietly lazier and relaxed than I actually am.

I have routines, just routines no one else makes in a way that my goals are very hard to see from the outside. Too easygoing to come off as sophisticated enough for it. I'm easygoing because I'm only controlling towards myself, not others, so my more structured lifestyle is unseen.

...

Did you ever wonder if I ever hated math? Because I have.

Funny to think about since I'm such a big nerd for it today. I've liked science since I was a kid, but math? I'd say it started about 3 years ago.

The math they thought in school was taught in the least engaging way possible. It was taught cookbook style. All memorized ingredients of equations without actually understanding the ideas behind them.

But they were other people with different views on math beyond the usual dryness. There was an author who taught by giving physics examples of superheroes. Numberphile taught math through everyday simple puzzles and math humor. Betterexplained created wonderful visuals and unexpected analogies as if he was telling a story with numbers.

It was a logic that wasn't dry and unemotional. It was a type of logic for fun. I appreciated that as the school pranker who kept getting in trouble, even if I was quiet most of the time. .

As my senses get less oversensitive and my motor control gets less wonky, I get to be curious about the world through my senses than only my mind. My taste buds aren't as sensitive, and so I can enjoy new depths of flavors, smells, and textures in food. I loved trying new food, and I want to see how I'll try a new physical exercise too.

I'll make sure I won't think things through too much . . . which is terrifying. I think of physical activities like most people think of math.  :spooked:  It was exploring that made me somehow enjoy math and be good at it, rather than disciplining myself with defined goals. The rules can come later.

I wanted to learn to love learning before I ever learned well.

But for now, I'll just stay attached to my nice familiar couch and books.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 15, 2018, 06:07:34 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I also love books, and I know you got some new ones for your Birthday, so I'm imagining you getting stuck into many of them.  When I was a child, I would have a pile of books on the floor by my bed, and I'd be dipping into several, and never managed to read an entire one!  Or rarely.  I'm wondering whether you're the same, or whether you tend to start one and go to the end, before moving on to another. 

I just popped in your Journal to say 'hi' and also to wish you the best -  :hug: to you, DR

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 16, 2018, 10:37:54 AM
Hi Hope. :)

Well, I often switch books a lot, but sometimes I finish them. I notice I tend to have modes where I like things in depth, and other moments when I like things with more variety. Even if I explore new ones, my more in depth needs would eventually come back to finish many of the important ones I read.

I've been reading an action-fantasy series, a teen romance novel, cryptography (computer security). research on future technology, shock politics, and trying hand lettering. I'm disappointed on deciding not to buy the fluffy kittens coloring book though. Damn it!
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 16, 2018, 10:56:08 AM
To be honest, I have some kind of survivor's guilt that my life is getting better, often in ways people haven't here when they were younger.  Especially the parent figures I had in life.

My mom has gotten more kind and flexible with her rules. A lot less smothering and willing to look on my strengths. My dad. . . well, he'll talk to me if I approach him first, and I am. He's not much of a parent, more of a friend, but not like a distant acquaintance anymore.

My tutor after school since I was 5 years old is a lot like a second dad to me, and treats me as his kid. He often gives too much advice, especially unasked religious advice. I somehow convinced him that non-believers are not all horrible or cruel people, but is still convinced they'll go to *.

I'm surprised that actually progressed somewhere. I've thought of him as black and white when I realized how horribly discriminatory to other beliefs he was, but he wasn't that simple. He talks of other non-believers condescendingly, but when he speaks to me about it, he tries to be gentle. He repeats certain arguments repetitively even with feedback, but admits to being wrong on some.

I confronted him last time I saw him. I wanted it to be different from the fights we had when I was in my early teens. I didn't try to change his religious beliefs anymore nor did I stay passive like my recent years. I just wanted to hear me out and accept me as I am. I inched him into a corner with words, and finally asked. . ."Why, why, why, why are you doing this?" He choked back, with a frustration strong enough in his voice even I could notice, "I wanted . . . to save your soul."

I went back to my own solitude to think that day. It was a quiet night.

Sometimes I wish the quiet would have lasted.





Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 17, 2018, 12:02:48 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Just wanted to pop into your Journal today to say "hi" - I feel like I've been distant this past couple of days, but I've been finding it hard to process so many things, and I just wanted to say that I hope that you're ok. 

I've just read what you wrote about all the different things you've been reading about - wow, so many!!!  All sound interesting though.  When you mentioned about regretting not buying the colouring book about fluffy kittens, I thought - oh no!  You'd definitely have fun doing that.  I know I find doing my dot-to-dot books very relaxing and therapeutic too.  Speaking of which, I hope to do some later today - anyway, just wanted to pop by and say 'hi' and also give you a warm hug, if that' s ok  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 18, 2018, 10:14:49 AM
 :hug: Hope. Well, it's been rough recently. I've been getting more physical symptoms from the stress, and it's . . . a lot to take. The physical is a lot better, but emotionally I'm still tense.

....

You ever heard of the idea that you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with? Yeah. I don't think that applies to me.

Growing up, I was physically present with people, but always emotionally isolated to some degree from emotional neglect. People look to their families, their best friends or anyone who they interact with the most as people who influence their view on life growing up. Me? I did it all on my own through books and the internet.

I don't feel like part of this country emotionally. I just happen to live here. I respect and admire much of their culture, but I'm not part of that. Patriotism was pressured on me growing up, and to admit so right now can be shaming, but I stand by my own views.

So many of my harmful beliefs weren't pressured through me to emotional abuse. Much of them was made alone through lack of guidance and my growing suspicion towards everyone. It's why I care so much about open mindedness, as so much of my hurt alone was made through a lack of it. Ignorance is not bliss.

I'll still stay in this country, even though much of the financially stable and educated leave this place of little opportunities. This poverty filled place needs more help than many other richer countries I relate more emotionally, but it's not because it's my country. It's because damn it, they're human beings.

And hey, I'm pretty dependent on the food here. Heh.  :whistling: Other cultures aren't as openly warm and emotional. Maybe I'll grow more by learning from my opposite tendencies. Just no hugs.

I'm scared what these choices might mean and depressed on what I could have explored, but I guess there's only one way to find out what comes next.

Maybe it's a time not to be realistic like I've always been. Maybe it's time to dream.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 19, 2018, 02:02:20 AM
I wanted the objective truth, and I thought the truth had to be something cynical and dark, but it's not always like that. The objective truth can be hopeful. It can be childlike. It can be a wonder. It doesn't escape from what's dark or be cynical on what may be good. It just observes what is.

Objectivity means I should see both sides to see what truth may be in them, and I've failed in that here. I've failed. I've let my dark past bias my emotions into believing something beyond proportion. I've let fear reach the worst conclusions too fast and shame to avoid what I was really like.

It was rational to see and avoid danger, but it was irrational to avoid what isn't danger. It was rational to be skeptical, but it was irrational to be paranoid. It was disadvantageous to run away from the possibilities of life, believing nothing good will come from trying.

The ugly truth wasn't that I could never trust anyone. The ugly truth was that in not trusting anyone, I thought I was wise. I believe in evidence, and what my life and others has shown me that the ideal doesn't exist, but I can get closer to it as time passes by. Psychology shows the benefits of the growth mindset and the Hans Rosling provides world statistics from credible organizations on actual progress on world issues.

I've grown up all this time to become an adult.  I hope that by the time I turn 18 next year, that I've grown down into something more childlike.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Three Roses on April 19, 2018, 03:46:09 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 19, 2018, 06:47:47 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 20, 2018, 07:08:40 AM
 :hug: to both of you back.

Have you ever heard of someone rich envying the poor? Of course you don't. That's why I think my feelings are stupid.

If the whole country was a big family, I'd be like the kid who envies their kid brother who gets all the attention thanks to an illness he was born with. Then I'd feel like crap because I'm envying someone who clearly has bad luck, especially when the poor guy coughs his guts out. I grew up with all kinds of information about the poverty where I live, and they always emphasized how lucky we students were to go one of the most privileged schools in the country.

Me? I didn't feel lucky, and I hated it when they said anything like that. Why would I tell anyone though? It'd be taboo in a place like this, and the lack of gratitude was probably my fault anyway, right? I envy all kinds of tragic situations all the time, and even though it makes no sense, I feel like I'd only get more attention if only my situation was worse.

To be honest and I'm sorry, I get angry and envy people here often. It's not you guys, and it's not the main me in control. It's little me getting frustrated at everyone else who gets to be heard, gets to be responded to, and gets to be loved. Because even though people are there for me now, I still remember and can feel what it's like to be entirely alone.

When my situation is worse, I want to get better. When I get better, I think my situation is worse.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 20, 2018, 08:09:25 AM
 :hug:

:applause: on your honesty to yourself and to us. Very brave, I think.

Even if you can't tell anyone in your country your thoughts, you can write them here! It's not taboo here. I still see you as the caring person you are, with helpful words and posts and ideas for many others on here.

I think this "kid who envies their kid brother who gets all the attention thanks to an illness he was born with. Then I'd feel like crap because I'm envying someone who clearly has bad luck" happens actually in families where one child is severely sick, the other or the rest get a bit neglected or maybe even a lot neglected. It will depend partly on how good the parents can deal with the stress. And we know: emotional neglect can lead to CPTSD! So that kid's envy in their family has its reason and its place.

Little DR seems to need more attention? Maybe Little DR will be helped just by you talking about their feelings here? Or maybe Little DR needs to hear they're not alone any more? I'm sending some acceptance to Little DR. Not too much, don't want to overwhelm.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 20, 2018, 10:02:15 AM
 :hug:

Maybe I'm taking issue since my parents were pretty much millionaire philanthropists who spent doing their "helping society" thing than "raising me" thing. That or earning money for us when we weren't as financially stable than really just having a more emotional connection with me.

My mom seemed to remember to donate to a charity organization more than did she remember to talk to me. More willing to be gentle to people less well off financially than speak to me gently.

Grandparents were busy too. Grandma on my mom's side lived far away, and my grandma on my father's side is a landlady who spends most of her time on her own. The only living grandpa (grand uncle) Is off trying to work on this big millionaire project of this for the poverty in this country. Well, considering he's the type of man who literally ran for president once, I assume he's very busy.

I wasn't asking for too much I hope.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2018, 03:44:48 PM
i don't think you were asking for too much.  not at all.

my d1 had a lot of mental/emotional issues, and i spent a lot of time dealing with her, not so much time dealing with d2, who seemed to me to be doing ok.  so, my attention and focus was more on the madness of our family dynamic than my youngest d.

and one day she took an overdose of anti-depressants like she'd seen her older sister do many times just to get some attention for herself.  she'd told me later that was her purpose, but it backfired when she saw my face, which was one of 'o no, here we go again'.  by that time i was so tired of trips to the e.r. and psych wards, and having another d who was going the same route was overwhelming.

we've talked about it since, and it's all understood.  so, i also understand where you're coming from, d.r.  those thoughts of yours seem very un-pathetic and very 'of course - not a surprise you'd envy that or wish for it'.  i've seen it in real life. 

everyone needs and deserves attention while they're young.  my d2 saw the madness and tried to stay out of it as much as possible until her own depression and anxiety of having to deal with it raised their heads and demanded that she be seen no matter what it took. 

your thoughts aren't unusual, to my mind.  i hope you don't feel like you have to resort to something extreme to get those needs met.  they'd be something to talk with your t about, finding out how to deal with them in healthier ways.  maybe even bring your parents in so they can hear what's happening and change something in their dynamic with you so that you feel like you have their attention in a healthy way.  that's what i wish and hope for you, sweetie.  love and a warm, caring hug for you.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 21, 2018, 09:59:21 AM
Thanks San for all that.  :hug:

...

I guess all that efforts to delve into my own history these past few days has caught up to me. I've been feeling faint, tired, aching and dizzy today. I've made a lot of progress on having compassion for myself, but whenever I have the largest progress on that area, my body seems to resist it. I just feel deeply guilty for being forgiving with myself.

Sigh. I'm too young to be a little bit too sickly, you know?

That, and maybe the heat is getting to me. Summers here get really hot, and there's never any winter. I googled Heat Exhaustion and checklisted all the symptoms -- heavy sweating, headache, muscle cramps, rapid heart beat, dizziness, and nausea. Great. I usually found some comfort in the routine of staying downstairs in a room without the air conditioner at certain times of the day, but Mayo Clinic said I'd faint if I stayed for too long in the heat. So I went back upstairs.

Jeez, usually I take heat so well that sometimes I think I could weight lifts in the middle of * with the Devil reading by mouth Donald Trump x Kim Jung Un romance fanfiction. I bet Elsa could never let it go in there. Though along with the guilt and my exhaustion. . . it's not a fun day.

No big realizations on the past, present and future or heavy weightlifting into changing basic beliefs ideas like in trust, control, and truth for now.

Today I just need rest, and nice cold cold cold air.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 21, 2018, 11:59:14 AM
I notice another reason why I'm so unwilling to forgive myself.

I don't want to admit I was wrong on something, especially in regards to myself. Even more so, I don't want to admit that other people are right. I don't want to admit that unhealthy emotions are clouding my precious judgement. It's my own rational judgement that  I trust the most to make decisions backed up with emotional stability, not all this.

To doubt that? To doubt the area that I have the most confidence with in dealing with life? No. No. No. In my view, there's no such thing as being either thinking with your head or your heart, just more or less healthy and unhealthy ways of using both. A heart can be irrational or deeply caring. A mind can be overly rigid or a reliable source of objectivity. If deciding with my heart is dysfunctional. . . that affects thinking with my head too.

As my heart matures, I'm afraid it'll make mistakes again. Instead of having compassion for myself, it'll start getting worried about what other people think of me. Make me fear that I won't belong. Make me feel more anger at others than care.

Follow your heart? Hah. Mine isn't as wise as other's hearts I've seen, but to let it grow, I need to allow it to make its own decisions right? Without logic playing as the overprotective parent over the little kid. After all that's what my heart feels like, not a mature adult and more like a vulnerable child that needs constant gentleness and love.

Heh. I'm full of too much pride . . .again.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 21, 2018, 07:41:01 PM
and, again, you made me chuckle as i saw so much of me in what you said.  too much pride in self, indeed.

you're right, i think, that yours is a child's heart still.  you have gotten more mature the longer you've been here, but the heart wants what the heart wants.  we just need to find a balance, and sometimes that only comes with life experience.

ugh - the heat.  too much of it for me in mexico.  i've been down that road, so i can totally relate.  keep cool, man, as ice would say after riff died.  did you get that reference?

keep taking care of you, and, really, do stay cool.  it's not good on any level to overheat your body/brain.  love and hugs, d.r.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 22, 2018, 09:47:54 AM
 :hug: San.

...

I still can't seem to fully understand why people are kind to me now. I still end up in tears everyday since I'm deeply touched by it, mostly because it's the opposite of what I expect. I've never really showed different sides of myself as clearly as I do here, instead of showing just one side of myself.

It's strange to me to show how my mind works at its most dedicated to being logical, and also show how my heart works when its most filled with emotion.

It's strange to show that I'm the same person who studies the deepest intellectual works, and the same person who reads really terrible fanfiction on purpose for the laughs. Often slow and thoughtful, then swift and clever.

I speak in beautiful and wise words one time, then speak with swears and crazy analogies in another. With gentleness and straightforwardness. With strength and weakness. With humility and pride. Admiring bravery then utter awkwardness.

Would there be people still like me if I showed everything?

After all, I'm terrible at telling lies, but good at hiding secrets.







Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 22, 2018, 05:20:31 PM
People will still like you.
We like you, so why then, shouldn't the people in your daily life do so?
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 23, 2018, 01:56:44 AM
I guess they might just do, Sceal.  :hug:
...

Like I've said before, the more time has progressed, the less my worldview fluctuates between my extremes. It's a scary thing to grow up this way, but right now . . . I just feel distant.

Growing up with an interest in all kinds of philosophical questions, I've seen the question asked of whether human beings are primarily good or evil, and I've always seen that most people's views on that seem arbitrary. Beliefs all just made out of emotion, whether it's idealism or pessimism.

No statistics. No psychological studies. No mention of historical references. Not even personal experiences that are worth taking a look at. I mean no disrespect, but to me then, it was . . . lacking.

I've researched it by now, but sharing my story and interacting with people here? It's different, not less. I've seen inspirational progress I could never imagine from people from backgrounds like this. In other situations, there are situations that are utterly destroyed and worsening from their trauma.

In books, you often don't hear from the views of ordinary people, people who don't become some kind of celebrity from their past. Even then, you don't see them how they pass from day to day. In books, they skip over the long winding repetitive parts of people's stories, but here, they don't. They're people I could relate to more, and people I could have been in another circumstance.

What an ugly and beautiful world, huh? I thought I was a monster, and so secretly I sympathized with "other monsters". But now I can see how different I am from them, and what a monster really is.

I've never felt so surrounded by kindness in my life, and at the same time as disgusted by what was far from it in the world.

And I'm scared too.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 23, 2018, 09:20:51 AM
Have you ever heard of this quote?

"It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." - Sherlock Holmes.

It's a mortal sin after all, at least to me, to lack obedience for my own truth.

I try to follow it everyday, not to solve cases of a mystery of some murder, but to solve the mystery of my own life. And when I look at all my experiences over the years, look at every failure and victory, every thought and feeling, and every word that I've said and has been said to me. . . what was most dangerous was not the chaos of the world. I've been running away and battling life towards the wrong place.

The most dangerous thing in my life . . . was the chaos of my own mind.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 24, 2018, 09:23:21 AM
To be honest, the Healing Porch doesn't work out for me.

It's a way of healing by visualizing a very calming place, but a place I would find calming is somewhere familiar. Even new places that are commonly thought of relaxing like the beach or a peaceful park isn't as calming as my own home, but I'm beginning to change my own mind now.

My mom growing up was rigid on rules, and when I said I'll go out into the park next to our house, she wouldn't budge. There were bound to be kidnappers, murderers and all sorts of criminals waiting out there, she'd say. I remember her agreeing to allow me to go out if I went with her, and when I sat on one of the swings, she spent a lot of time just complaining why we were here. Ruined my image of peacefulness there.

I didn't get why she said that. We're a cautious and practical bunch far from the stereotypes people have about the rich. Expensive clothes and jewelry? Haha. Sounds like a wonderful way to invite being robbed, especially in a poor country. It's not like we have an attention grabbing mansion either. After all, the more space, the more cleaning. We have fortune, not fame.

The less oversensitive my senses get, the more I want to explore the world with my own senses. I've managed to find more healthy and different food with my newfound less sensitive sense of taste, but what else is there? I guess I have a little fire of wanderlust, maybe. If only the rules were mine, because after all, I don't believe in the existence of freedom without rules.

There are rules that keep you locked in a prison cage. On the other hand, there are rules like in a game of chess or tennis that suit to make things more than that. As a simplification, there are two types of rules in this world after all. The rules that make causes suffering, and the rules that make things interesting.

I just wish I wasn't as scared to make my own rules though. For now I'll just hang around inside and relax, and feel bad about all those adults talking about how today's generation tells them they don't go outside enough. Feel bad about how my tutor after school, essentially my second dad, kept teasing me about my own quiet preferences of staying at home.

Both curious and scared as always. I guess sometimes rules are both.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 24, 2018, 03:04:15 PM
yes, i know that sherlock holmes quote.  it's quite precise. 

as an adult, we do have the freedom to make our own rules.  with that, we also get to shoulder the consequences of our actions concerning those rules.   we can claim absolute victory and defeat, and everything in between for ourselves.  we can also spread around gratitude for all the help we get every step of the way.

i don't know what the age of adulthood is in your country.  in the u.s. it varies between 18 and 21.  drinking alc. used to be a sort of measure of adulthood.  back during the vietnam war, kids were being drafted at 18, but not allowed to drink till they were 21.  there was a lot of pressure to allow kids who were putting their lives on the line for their country to be able to drink legally.  many drinking age laws were changed during that time.

a lot of them have changed again, as well as when you're considered an adult here, are viable when signing a contract - whether it's legal and binding at age 18 or 21.  i don't know anymore.  at any rate, you may have some time to determine by what rules you want to live your life.  personal rules. 

there will always be governmental rules, and we can always decide whether we want to follow them or not.  it's all a choice in the end.  different choices make for different consequences, as in everything else we do.  even unspoken rules, such as within cultures.  it's important to learn them, too. 

when i moved from the conservative midwest to the free love hippie culture of the so. calif. beaches, i was totally ignorant of the rules there, many of which were in direct contrast to how i was raised and taught to live and have relationships.  i stumbled and fumbled repeatedly as i tried to figure out what was going on and whether it worked for me or not.

you'll get there.  it sounds scary to think of it, but it's a work in progress.  as you go, as you grow, as you experience, and as you mature, you'll find the rules that fit for you.  it's personal.  that's one of the beauties of being an adult - you can change your own rules whenever you want to.    love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 24, 2018, 06:36:44 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Just wanted to say that I hope that you enjoy making your own rules.  I liked what SanMagic said about "finding rules that fit for you" - and hopefully having fun along the way to find those.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 25, 2018, 04:42:14 AM
 :hug: for San and Hope. Nice to hear the well wishes. :)

18 years old is considered an adult here too. Though, one thing to note that in much of Asian culture, it's acceptable and even seen as necessary to live with parents at this age, though just not live off their money. It's meant to show respect and gratitude to their parents by caring for them as an adult, though I'm not sure if I'd like that path. . . eheh.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 25, 2018, 04:48:49 AM
One of the notable causes of my own CPTSD is how I take things literally from other people. Not with metaphors and similes of course, seeing as how much I enjoy using them, but more with generalizations.

Notice how I often use words like "often, "most", "sometimes", "more/less of" and, "much of" in my posts? I used to place specific details of exceptions to the rules, but I figured out that most people don't really take some statements as all or nothing as I do. No wonder I like precision. I saw myself as either a genius or an idiot, a monster or a saint, a loser or a winner, and all kinds of messages I took too literally from others.

I'm better at it these days, mostly because hearing responses of people on OOTS gives me a better handle on a much less black and white view of morality, the world and myself. It's a surreal feeling . . . to observe people from afar like I've always have, and seeing it more clearly, but not fully.

Weird, huh? To see myself as human, not more or less. That's more genuine pride and belongingness in an identity than anything I ever called myself before. Haha. I remember Sadhguru, an Indian Yogi, asked once why is it that we call ourselves human when we point out our flaws? Why is it that no one ever calls themselves human and sees something extraordinary potential in being one, even with our flaws? Don't get me wrong - I'm still disgusted with much of humanity, but here's where I belong.

Remember that I told people here about my fine motor skills disability, and also that I've happened to draw before? Even if it was done very slowly for each picture - twice or thrice the amount of time for average artists, I have drawn pretty realistic drawings before in my early teens. It's slow, but eventually . . . I did learn.

Those instructions they used as drawing tips. . . Draw what you see, than what you think is there. It's easier to draw a picture by drawing around the blank spaces, of what is not there, so you can line in what's really there. Measure the proportions with a pencil, and compare how it sizes up with the rest of the image.

That's precision in art, and in a way, it's the type of precision I use for my life.

Heh. I was a crazy kid, but I liked learning things I was terrible at sometimes.

And there's still more to figure out, but I'll figure it out. . . eventually. Somewhere inside I still hate my guts.  :disappear:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 25, 2018, 06:39:46 PM
i don't hate your guts, for what it's worth.

i agree with what sadhguru said.  i've noticed that often when people compare themselves to others, they only compare themselves to people they think are 'better' in some way than they, themselves, are, and think less of themselves for doing so.  kind of a similar principle.   it's a mystery to me.

being human has been a rough row for me to hoe as well.  'ordinary' 'average' 'same as' really wasn't allowed for me growing up, so i, too, developed the 'better than' syndrome.  doesn't leave too much room for being human where, in reality, no one is better than anyone else.  tough to get off that pedestal, tho.  ouch!

our cultures can define us, can entrap us, or can challenge us.  even being a woman, there were certain expectations of what was and was not ok for me to do, say, be, or how i was judged if i went outside the norm, so to speak.   we get to pick and choose as individuals just how we want to behave - in the lines, outside the lines, a little of both.  you've got time to think about it for yourself.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on April 25, 2018, 07:53:00 PM
you've come a long way these past few months. You're discovering new things about life, humanity and most importantly - yourself.
I hope this will be a good thing in your path of healing. Use your strengths.
We all got flaws,  and in a way we need them. It seperates us from each other, it gives us a potential and reason for growth. And they are there to teach us about other aspects of life. We're a highly social animal, and we need other people to do the things we cannot do, and vice versa.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 26, 2018, 12:14:12 PM
Thanks you two.  :hug: Sorry for the long posts, as always. I tend to treat thinking deeply about things as an escape from stress, and well, it makes my posts long.
...

You'd think I'd understand deep insights into life from some kind of famous leader or author, but my lessons these days come from observing a rude mouthed manchild known as Christian Chandler. For you older folks, let's just say he's the one of the most trolled and bizarre internet sensations to date and there is an entire wiki of his life considering how open he is about it.

There's an entire analysis of his life in more than 1,000 articles - including things like his narcissism, his inability to admit mistakes, his bad hygeine and health practices, his crimes being banned from random restaurants and places, his history of once accidentally burning his house, his belief that finding a girlfriend would solve all this problems, and his badly drawn comic series Sonichu of which he imagines himself as the dystopian tyrant.

Why is he worth learning about? Because he makes a good anti role model, a term that's a role model of what NOT to do. I thought I'd understand what I want more in life by understanding what I don't want to be in life. After seeing that he's an absolute bum who looks like a homeless man in his house, I'm suddenly inspired to practice practical self care. How mysterious.

I learned how to cook a meal today, though I'm both fascinated and grossed out with raw meat. Unfortunately, it doesn't include people fainting from the joy of my food and growing superman muscles in a few seconds like the show Food Wars, but it was a nice learning experience.

I managed to convince my mom to let me outside in the park for once, as long as my personal maid comes with me. It was relaxing and healthy to take a walk outside, but sigh. I know the grass isn't always green on the other side, but I suddenly want to elope to nature as a humble country bumpkin and even eat cheap rice just for the sake of more freedom, but oh well, progress.

Let me admit to you with embarrassment, I've been met with rigid rules and overwork in most areas, and absolutely spoiled in specific areas. Like household chores. Honestly, I don't even know how a microwave works, and I don't groom my own hair. Washing the dishes sound gross to me, and I haven't cooked before today since home economics class 3 years ago.

I don't mention this, mostly because I dislike being associated with rich spoiled brats. I find it a pretty bizarre stereotype, since most people I've seen in my social class don't speak in stereotypical rich accents, talk about expensive products all the time, and are stuck up. Most pretty much look like normal people if you see and happen to meet them in public.

I don't like to attract this attention to this area of my life. I just want to look normal and fit in, but maybe with all the stupid ignorance of certain things, maybe I am a spoiled brat.  :disappear:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 26, 2018, 10:53:57 PM
Nevermind about that above. It's no big deal. I'm just inherently pathetic.

I thought of ending it recently, and probably talking about this would just get this post deleted anyway. I tried choking the air out of myself with a pillow, but after doing it over and over again, I bet I don't even deserve that. Punched myself in the gut and my legs, then went away.

What's the point? I don't even feel curious, and I'm nearly always curious. I'm just being petty and fishing for sympathy again with the above post and this one.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2018, 01:30:50 AM
sending a loving hug filled with whatever you need - be it sympathy, reassurance you're not pathetic, etc, etc.   :bighug:  it's all in there, and i hope you don't do yourself harm anymore.  you are precious to me and this forum, just the way you are.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 27, 2018, 05:54:48 PM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I am so sorry to hear you've been feeling like that, and that you hurt yourself.  I think you are a precious person, and I hope that you'll keep yourself safe and I also hope that you'll be ok.  Sending you a big hug,  :hug: and hoping that you feel some of that curiosity again soon, as I know it's meaningful for you, and I really appreciate you being here - and I really hope that you are ok.
Take care,
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 28, 2018, 06:54:41 AM
Thanks you two.  :hug: I managed to let out much of the tears that I've been suppressing from hearing that. Sorry for worrying you. I don't know what came over me.

Without curiosity, I tend to resort to unhealthy methods of coping through things.

There are other back ups other than curiosity though. During it, I thought most of both how the people who would care about me feel, and try to earn back any curiosity I lost. But what surprised me the most was pride. I had too much pride in myself to admit defeat. Like i'd make myself look weak.

Defeat against what? Changing the world, of course. It's vague, I know. I'm working on more general skills like technical knowledge, emotional coping skills, and interpersonal skills for now, but the specifics come later. When trying to harm myself, I wondered why I wanted to attempt changing things.

Was it because I cared about people? Well, I really do care about people, even to painful amounts, but that's not the main reason. Why do I do then? Well, because it's entertaining. Not for any belief that such a far reaching goal could happen, but because the path towards it make things ripe for constant changes in life. Because as much as I like my quiet routines, I long for some thrill and risk in my life.

I wanted the type of thrill and risk that would change my and other's worldview on radical levels. It's not something external I want to make. What I want is a perspective --  a perspective that no one else has thought before, a perspective that feeds on my fear of its change by affecting every single area of my life.

I don't know how a quiet and peaceful bookworm like me can do something like that, and I don't know what it is. I was angry at something, but what? Angry at giving up on an idea, to such lengths that I haven't told anyone else but myself, or bothered acting on it.

All I know is there's a voice in my head and when I suggest my worries it says, "I don't give a ****."

I had pride. Too much pride I thought. But now I wondered if I needed that pride.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 29, 2018, 04:53:15 AM
I needed a different reason for communicating my real self -- different from the usual reasons of connection.

I'm sure I need those two, but by doing that, I rely on other's approval of what I'm like. People define true connection by showing your true self, but in the end, it's not connection that satisfies me the most.

It's clarity. It's communicating so what others reflect on me allows myself to see myself and my ideas more clearly. It's the thrill and fear around understanding a part of myself and my worldview I haven't before, even a truth that I'd avoided for years and would leave me in tears. It matters more to me to discover myself than others discovering me.

After all, what I'm hiding the most aren't my feelings. While I make sure I don't go to the extreme of being overemotional, I make a pretty bad job of hiding basic emotions like excitement or sadness. What I hide are the reasons behind them -- the complexity of my thoughts behind them.

What I worry about the most is not if people would accept my feelings, but if I would trust my own thoughts and beliefs. It's sharing it so others can see to test myself if I'll still trust in myself even with the fear of others disrespecting my ideas without even saying a word to me. I wanted someone to trust in my own judgement for my own beliefs, but that's not what I needed.

What I needed was to trust myself more alone, and I don't always know how to do that.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 29, 2018, 12:58:39 PM
Haha. You know . . . the lack of response is starting to maybe freak me out a little with my abandonment issues.Okay, maybe. . . not just a little.

Pleasedon'tabandonmeacknowledgemyexistenceplease.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 30, 2018, 07:55:24 AM
I had a lot of progress in forgiving myself today, which my body decided to resist by making every muscle ache. Haha. Kind of had trouble sleeping yesterday because I had this idea that no response here means people will abandon me, and if they didn't abandon me yet, it's because they haven't read my recent entries of my growing madness.

Also, maybe I had possibly spent the idea in panic in one degree to another because of this. Mostly because the flashback is mysteriously more persistent today for some reason. Haha.

Maybe I'll just end journaling and hide forever.

I'm screwed.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 30, 2018, 08:16:21 AM
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 30, 2018, 10:48:25 AM
I'm calm now. Alright. Maybe. But now I just feel like my own passion in life has been drained from me. At least being full of emotions to the point of tears or intense fear was interesting or even a little thrilling to watch in myself to observe why, but now I just feel . . . listless.

I'd often have a lot of excess nervous energy and I liked to pace when I reflected or worried, but now I'm just . . . unmoving.  Barely any curiosity to work as the usual buffer for unhealthy coping skills, so I just binged on chocolate.

Besides, the panic attacks yesterday and today lost their interesting points. It was just the same old fears, the same old ways of handling it, and the same old results. My own growing self-forgiveness today wasn't just born out of love and support, but my own boredom.

To * if forgiving myself makes sense or not. It's something novel and different to experience.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 30, 2018, 06:36:28 PM
 :bighug:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 01, 2018, 07:35:57 AM
 :bighug: San. Sometimes just little things like that make a world of difference.

.....

I remember when I was young and other students were pairing up for an assignment, I'll nearly always be the last to be paired up. Either people didn't like me, or even if there were people who did, they weren't close enough friends. Another memory was of my best friend during 1st grade telling me that she just wished I was normal, and I remember thinking I didn't know how.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm still disgusted with myself today because some people certainly were back then. I didn't know I had a social disability then, and while I'm sure I wasn't the picture perfect example of a gentle and likable soul, much of it wasn't my fault. While my social skills aren't as bad that I would be so socially excluded anymore, I'm still a little socially clumsy. The real world isn't as direct and slow paced as OOTS is with communicating.

I wasn't as self-aware as a kid, but I must have felt a deep loneliness to being excluded. I've spent hours trying to figure out and make guesses about why I was disliked so much, but I couldn't. I internalized that no matter how much I figure out about things socially, there'll always be a reason on why I was worthless that I just wasn't aware of yet. I still think that way sometimes. I've attracted some people who stuck around and defended me, but my pride's bruised. Why couldn't I defend myself?

In tv shows and movies, aspies are usually painted in a way that they hold every common symptom of it, but I don't have to tick each of the boxes to be diagnosed as one.I lack the usual monotone voice that comes along with it, and my own quiet friendliness has its own charm, once I got rid of some of the . . . other things I did that weren't a good idea. It makes up for how I say it to make me look well intentioned enough, even when I can be uhh. . . . clueless on what I say.

I think the teenager part of me wishes I could come off more as the charismatic or cool mysterious guy, but I guess I can settle for a more straightforward lovable nerd.  :whistling:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: berceuse on May 01, 2018, 08:50:58 AM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on May 01, 2018, 07:35:57 AM

I remember when I was young and other students were pairing up for an assignment, I'll nearly always be the last to be paired up. Either people didn't like me, or even if there were people who did, they weren't close enough friends.


Hello Decimal,
I used to experience the same thing, especially in PE classes when I was young. Even the PE teachers along with some other teachers were thinking I have some kind of problem. I know how much being left out hurts especially when you are that young.


Quote from: DecimalRocket on May 01, 2018, 07:35:57 AM

Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm still disgusted with myself today because some people certainly were back then.


Also, familiar feelings.  :hug: if you want.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Sceal on May 01, 2018, 10:41:09 AM
Hi Rocket,

I was listening to a podcast called "Grownups read things they wrote as kids", they have a bunch of episodes. It's people standing on a stage infront of a room full of strangers reading from their diaries from when they were children, youths, teenagers and early 20ies. (I think the rule of thumb is that the thing they read has to be atleast 10 years old, and from a different time in their life). It's awkward, funny, heartbreaking, important and so very honest. It made me feel like maybe I'm not so different from people afterall. It's just that it expresses itself in a different way. And I mean the me-me, not the trauma me.

And I had a thought, perhaps it would be helpful, or interessting for you to listen to some of their stories. They might have been written a long time ago - but many of them were written in the age that you are in now.
Just a thought!
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 01, 2018, 02:57:11 PM
you know, as i've discovered more of my limitations re: lack of emotions and also social awkwardness, how that played a part in my parenting especially, i wish i could've been different.  badly, i wish that.  sometimes i still wish that today.  it's wreaked havoc with my mind in some ways. 

guilt, shame, sadness at not being able to enjoy being a mother, having no joy with my babies,  feeling that they were a chore and a responsibility rather than a blessing as i've heard so many people say.  feeling confused for most of my life cuz there were so many social interactions that i just didn't 'get'.

so, i totally relate to the feeling of 'not knowing how' on a lot of levels.  i didn't know how, didn't have some innate something that clicked like it did for others.  i knew i didn't want to be the same kind of mom to my kids as my mom was to me, but i didn't know how to do it differently, even after reading all i could find about it.  it never resonated with me.

why couldn't you defend yourself?  how can you do something you don't know about, don't comprehend, or don't know what it is?  i'm finding out more and more that we really did do the best we could with our experience and limitations.  i guess part of this whole healing journey is accepting those parts of ourselves as well.  it was what it was.

love and a big warm hug to you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 02, 2018, 08:39:07 AM
 :grouphug: for all.

Hi Ber, thanks for relating to me. 

Sceal, I listened to some of the podcast and you were right in that it was nice to see how other people have grown up. Though it has its limits in finding things I'm common with since I'm not exactly a normal teenager, but that's alright. Haha. Too many old people media references I don't get.  :whistling:

San, I still feel guilty too much about it, but slowly I get less hard on myself. Besides, surprisingly with the goal of forming healthy relationships, I do a lot better with sheer effort and curiosity with a social disability than some neurotypical people who make no effort . . . like abusers. I've earned enough pride in myself that next time, I'll make sure I'll defend myself.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 02, 2018, 09:14:18 AM
I feel disgusted with my own body.

It's not that I'm fat. I'm a little soft in the belly, yes, and my BMI says I'm on the boundary between normal weight and overweight, but not really.

What disgusts me is how my body parts don't shift according to the gender mood I have in a moment. My increased social awareness is mostly a good thing, but it also makes me aware of how others see me through the lens of the gender my body shows.

My sis, J.A, (Who's not really my sister but my housekeeper. It's just a cultural norm here to call people like family.) was exercising. I came up to her and followed her exercises, and we both had fun and laughed through it, but I felt disgusted at the end. I usually dealt with my own gender dysphoria through moving my focus from my body towards something more intellectual, and it actually often works, but to be more fully grounded with the physical me . . . ugh. 

I don't think the physical part of my recovery will be as easy. Having flashbacks of feeling these types of feelings as a kid doesn't help either. Emotional neglect makes differences that could be manageable worse. Little DR just wants to be a he, a she or a "they" sometimes, you know? My dysphoria is mild and feels like a slight inconvenience most of the time, but with certain triggers, it's something . . . more.

I laugh excitedly whenever someone calls me the gender neutral pronoun of "they" around here, though I find it interesting that people online think I'm a he more than a she. Wonder why? I don't understand why I have and haven't chosen these feelings, but it's there. But the feelings I remember most now is off little DR looking at their body, and being confused about a disgust they were too young to comprehend.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 02, 2018, 11:07:37 PM
hopefully, d.r., as you continue to grow and experience life, some of your gender issues will become less disgusting to you and more acceptable.  unfortunately, i can't relate on a personal level.  if someone on the forum can relate, perhaps they can be of more help with this.  or, how about your t?  has this subject ever come up, discussed, explored?    or maybe you could get referred to someone who has more experience with this.

even tho i don't have body/gender issues, i can sure relate to body shame/disgust issues.   it's not fun and very difficult to combat when society wants you to be or look a certain way.  so, we just struggle on as best we can.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 03, 2018, 11:11:03 AM
Well, I can't really do much to change my body, San. But I get more accepting and confident in my own gender identity even if others think otherwise. I'll consider what you said, though while the ones who can afford a high-quality education here tend to be more openminded towards gender identity issues, most of the country is. . . well, not so good.

it's not like autism where much of the country isn't even educated enough to be aware of it to widely discriminate against it, and here if someone doesn't know, I can just introduce the concept to them without misconceptions. My gender identity issues? Haha, that's going to be more . . . complicated.

In the meanwhile, I hanged around an LGBT forum for more people I can relate to.  :Idunno:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 03, 2018, 12:28:54 PM
For my greatest healing, I listen to crazy people. I listen to lots of crazy people.

This ranges from someone who says they have a third alternative on biology aside from Darwinian evolution and creationism,(Called Evolution 2.0), some guy who believes exercise and eating less doesn't make people thinner, (Called Why We Get Fat.) and criticism of String Theory, the mainstream big shot of Physics, (The Trouble with Physics) Even if . . . you know, many are justifiably crazy in a bad way (Haha. The Secret.), but surprisingly a few of them have a point.

I'm that guy who looks upon the crazy woo and considers them. I'm the guy who you'd imagine with a tinfoil hat to even consider some of this. I'm the guy who listens to everyone, in the hopes maybe I'll find some gold between all the dirt something that is wonderfully insightful. Something people will look back from the future as a mistake to judge against, and maybe I'll be there to realize it earlier than others to help spread it.

I'd like to go with something different with both the conventional skeptics I grew up with and the crazy bull they oppose. A skeptic of skeptics, removing hypocrisy like how they discriminate against the religious like religious fundamentalists discriminate against them. Either a middle ground, or even something beyond both as a third option.

It matters less if I ever find something true. It matters more that I considered it, without shame, embarrassment or self anger. Maybe I can believe in the depth of my own trauma and self worth. I thought believing in my own strength was crazy, but I've learned there are much more crazier people out there.

Maybe one day I can cure my sanity.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 03, 2018, 07:19:47 PM
i wouldn't want you to cure your sanity, personally.  i love your brand of sanity.  but, that's just me.

i've talked about tinfoil hats for years, even made one once with nc d and her friend and they were posted on her fb page.  however, crazy as it may sound, i do believe we are getting bombarded continually.  unfortunately, nothing i can do about it. 

some of those people are thinking outside the box, tho, and i don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.  my idea of crazies are the hate mongers - them, yes, batsquirt crazy.  just insane to hate people for such trivial, incidental things like opinions, skin color, lifestyle choices, etc.  then i'm in a moebius loop cuz i hate them. 

the rest, like you said, glean nuggets where you can find them.  wisdom comes from all kinds of sources, words to live by can be found in the weirdest places, and new themes to be explored are everywhere.  you just keep it up - it's an endearing trait, one we can all learn from.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 04, 2018, 08:55:17 AM
 :hug: Well, there's the type of crazy that attaches itself to one idea too much, and the type of crazy that takes account multiple perspectives. I opt for the latter. It's subjective though. One man's craziness might be another man's sanity after all. San, I wonder what you mean by liking my own brand of sanity though?

....

I have a confession. I think I might have fallen in love.

Well, it took a while to figure out, but I guess that explains why I seem moodier than usual. I get overjoyed, then depressed, and back again. My heart keeps beating wildly, and it's tiring. I can't think as logically or as straight. My emotions are so . . . confusing, and . . . irrational. The more time passes, the harder it is to stop thinking about her.

At the middle of the day, I started feeling depressed and gave up learning to lie down unmoving. I was confused as to why, until I realized I started feeling depressed when she mentioned she had a boyfriend. Oh. So that's why. Damn.

Maybe I'll just . . . sulk around alone today.

I can't help but be worried about what's going on with the rest of people here though. Are you guys okay? I'd want to hear your issues out, but I'm just . . . too unmotivated and down for it.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: MarkD67 on May 04, 2018, 09:33:09 AM
Please be gentle with yourself DecimalRocket.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 04, 2018, 12:55:49 PM
Thank you, Mark.  :hug:

Looks like another reason is that I'll worry about losing things, and when I mean losing things, I mean literally everything. When I look back at the past, I miss it. In the future, I might even miss now. I've realized there'll not be a single day where I haven't slowly or quickly lost something that's important to me in some way.

In the end, I won't even have my own life. Isn't that depressing? To realize that everything that began in life would end? I've heard of the concept intellectually before, but it seems I understand it more deeply in detail and how it would affect everything in my life.

Man, this is the problem with being too smart. I get weird existential crises at arbitrary times in my life.





Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 04, 2018, 11:27:08 PM
that last sentence is an example of your brand of sanity that i love.  you have a unique perspective on yourself and the world, and i just enjoy it. 

falling in love.  o my heart.  it's such a wonderful experience in some ways, and it others, well, maybe not so wonderful.  but, i totally believe it's worth it.  i hope you fall in love many, many times.  i hope that for everyone.

keep taking care of you, no matter what random existential crisis you're in the midst of.  after all, we're all we've got.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 05, 2018, 12:07:24 PM
I'm tired.

I made a thread on the dissociation part of the forum. Notice I said I did it, but it wasn't me. Someone else used my account. Someone else possesed my body.

They were being nice and tried to share what I was too ashamed to share, but I felt a little embarrassed for needing them there. I feel shocked and frozen. Unreal. It says something about my trauma when I've dissociated to those strong amounts.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, and feel oversensitive to everything. I don't know. Maybe I'm just doing this for attention.

Sorry for being here, and sorry for saying sorry. I can't get it out of my head that I need to apologize for my own existence.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: ah on May 05, 2018, 08:27:41 PM
Hi Rocket,

I just re-read something you wrote. You said:

Quote from: DecimalRocket on May 05, 2018, 05:28:43 AM
No need to do something extreme to call for help. We're here. I've felt similar too in that way, in that I felt I needed my pain to be even more tragic or painful to ask for help. No. No. No. You deserve some care, and that's okay.

You deserve some care too, and that's okay too. You have every right to all of your emotions, enjoyable and unenjoyable too. And odd remaining-to-be-figured-out ones included. Being tired too, and confused, and speechless and not speechless and basically all options of different versions of you. The way I see it, they've all got their own place and right to be here.

Shame also included, even if I think you have nothing to be ashamed of I respect the fact that you feel it. I know from experience how strong shame can be, how tiring it can be when it doesn't stop.
Being through things you aren't sure of? Asking existential questions? That's as human as it gets.

Dissociation can be scary, I know. So can the existential questions, they can get out of hand. They do for me. Your mind is very good, but thinking can also become futile at times and go around in loops. It isn't always the best tool, sometimes it can be too sharp, too focused on abstract unsolvable puzzles. The existential questions are maybe by definition unanswerable, that's how we ended up with poetry.

I'm not doing well so I can't say more for now, wanted to say I'm thinking of you.
And no, you don't have anything to apologize for. Not for being, not for being here. I know what it can feel like to need to apologize for taking up space though, I know how powerful it can be. But I think it's lying to you. I think you deserve care, and that's okay.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 05, 2018, 09:38:50 PM
d.r., i think whoever took over to write what it seems needed to be written, acknowledged, brought out into the light was wonderfully strong to do that for you.  hugs to them and to you for allowing it to remain.

you are so valuable to me, it hurts my heart to know that you ever think you need to apologize for existing, for being here or asking for help.  i'm glad you're here, and i know others feel the same way.  if i think on it, i can't imagine a world where you don't exist.

love you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 06, 2018, 09:49:15 AM
Thanks San and Ah.  :hug:

I feel a lot better now. I don't remember much of the day. I bet my alters spent most of the time separately dealing with my own stresses, and now I feel relaxed and deeply relieved. I have some vague memory that I wrote more posts in the dissociation thread, but I don't remember at all what I've written.

I'm a little nervous to check now, so maybe later. All I know is that instead of crying to release my sadness, I've been trembling all over my body to release anxiety and terror. It's relieving.

You know, I guess it wasn't that bad to split temporarily. I don't fully remember everything, but I think my own alters were all kind and intelligent in their own way, and I sense that even in my own Pride. Why do I remember Pride with a capital P? I don't know.

I feel absolutely exhausted and need rest, but I don't think I've felt so much peacefulness and zest for life in a long time. All without fully knowing why. I have a sudden need to celebrate with hardcore Funk Rock music and found some saved on my Spotify. Wonder where that idea came from?

Eh. Must have forgotten.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 06, 2018, 12:24:12 PM
hi there. Im another personality of DR. I dont know this place, but I think you're all nice, I guess. I'm Pride, but not very prideful. I just get called that a lot by DR's inner critic. I want to say it's not fair to mess with their inner child after all, but I'm not sure. I think it's my fault. All of it.

PS : these emotions are gross and i hate you. That means I like you very much. Heh.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 06, 2018, 01:13:07 PM
Hey, it's DR again, but with all the memories of my alters. I'm supposed to tell you that I'm panicked from going crazy, but somehow all this has been the most extremely healing process in my life. No exaggeration.

I understand the different fragments of myself the most . . . by becoming them, understanding each part of myself one by one and not taking each all at once.

Yeah. This is still crazy.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 07, 2018, 05:32:09 AM
Looks like I haven't split into different identities at all today. I guess that crazy situation was just a temporary thing, all made through one of my traumas a child -- my own existential crisis with death.

I already knew about the more intellectual ideas of what was the point of things even with death back then, despite my persona of looking not-as-smart with my little kid humor. Now, when I read or watch stories confronting death, I don't just understand anymore, I also can feel at some level what these characters are feeling.

I remember being a hypochondriac - I worried about my health with no basis in reality. It was one of my earliest chronic fears, and even if it got buried in my consciousness, that part of me never really had anyone to walk them through it. All I remember was being huddled in the back of my dad's car, driving through the night of the big city, and quieting my tears.

I finished the crime thriller Breaking Bad recently. It's about a chemistry teacher named Walter White struggling to earn the bills for his family. When he gets diagnosed with lung cancer, Walt looking desperately for money uses his chemistry skills to sell the highest quality meth. He slowly seems to morph from an amiable and polite man to a druglord monster.

At the last episode, his wife Skyler speaks through tears as she says she refuses to hear ever again that he did it for the family. He then calmly says, "I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And really -- I was alive." I'm not willing to become a criminal like him, but I agreed with him in one sense.

Maybe he wasn't addicted to fame. Not success. Not power. But in being alive.

Why do I want to share myself and my ideas to others then? That I want to learn about the world so I can perceive or change it in my own little way? As time passes by, it's less because I want approval. It's less because I want connection. It's even less because I wanted to know the truth about myself.

What I want is not to be affirmed that I and the world exists.

What I want is to know that I'm alive.

That the world is alive.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 07, 2018, 10:03:51 AM
Sigh. You know sometimes I wish my everyday thoughts weren't as hard to understand and often takes several paragraphs to explain. Other people my age either told me it was too complicated and gave up or idealized my smarts too much. Sometimes I wish I can like thinking about the normal stuff so more people would come by, but I'm not normal.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: camille13512 on May 07, 2018, 02:54:13 PM
Hi Decimal, I think, normal people or not, we are probably disappointed more often than we would like when we reach out and explain to others. About "normal stuff" and "normal people", what is "normal" though? If you think about things that challenge you, I don't think that is anything inherently abnormal. It is unfortunate that something beautifully unique is also accompanied by painful loneliness. By writing those thoughts out, I believe that you are connecting to yourself if not one day someone else who may resonate with you. I think your thoughts are precious, and it is a great thing that you try to organize and explain them.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 07, 2018, 03:41:35 PM
i'm with camille here.  what the frick is normal anyway?  there are images all around us to show us what we're supposed to think/believe is normal, but those are images after all.  not reality.  2 dimensional images are not 3-dimensional people.  photoshop and other technology makes it even less real.  i don't believe in the reality of anything i see on a screen anymore, especially in advertising.

so, normal, abnormal, crazy - they all take on subjective stances.  i've been called crazy many times in my life.  does that make it so?  who knows?  all i can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

that whole thing about death and what's the point of anything if we're all going to die anyway is pretty big.  we probably all have to come to some kind of relationship with it that suits us as individuals.  all i know for me is that i'll stay alive till my job here is done, then i'll leave.  simplistic, maybe, but it works for me.

love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 09, 2018, 03:36:47 AM
These last few days I've been deleting each new thread or post I make. I don't know. I feel more emotionally numb than usual. A lot calmer, but just . . . listless. Other people could use up the space and attention that I don't ask for anyway. They need more help than me.

My ideas and support don't seem to do much for others either. Maybe they do more than I think, but I have trouble telling what people are feeling towards me when they don't say it directly each time.

They just seem to go on to continue their worries about themselves without replying— and well, they need that more than what I need. Without that acknowledgement, I can't seem to tell if they read it.

So I don't see much use to hang around other threads for others either.

What isn't directly said to me often doesn't exist, and well, maybe I don't feel I exist.

Who knows? Maybe I'll just delete this post later.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: ah on May 09, 2018, 05:19:05 AM
Rocket,

Quote from: DecimalRocket on May 07, 2018, 10:03:51 AM
Sigh. You know sometimes I wish my everyday thoughts weren't as hard to understand and often takes several paragraphs to explain. Other people my age either told me it was too complicated and gave up or idealized my smarts too much. Sometimes I wish I can like thinking about the normal stuff so more people would come by, but I'm not normal.

I've been getting that my whole life, too. Ever since I started talking, it's been:
"Whoa, that's interesting... who told you that, mommy?"
"You're heavy. Lighten up, man."
"That's too complicated for me."
"Wow, you're reading a book! Is it for a school project?" (Me: "No, I just like this one, it's a good one about..." Response: blank stare, turns away, enthusiastically chats with someone else like I'm contagious)

You and I are both a bit different, that's for sure. We're not totally average and it isn't easy. You too have cognitive disabilities, they're just at the other end of the bell curve - not below average, but just as difficult at times. It's not easy, I know, being different can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood.
It's left me feeling like a bit of a freak much of my life. You're not alone, Rocket, I'm right there with you. There are others like you and me. Not many, maybe, that's just the way it seems to be for some reason, but we're out there.

Years ago I was chatting to someone who was a comparative stranger, and all of a sudden she looked straight at me and said "Aha! You're one of us." I didn't ask what she meant, and she didn't explain. We both knew, we recognized each other. We were both of that type.

Quote from: DecimalRocket on May 09, 2018, 03:36:47 AM
These last few days I've been deleting each new thread or post I make. I don't know. I feel more emotionally numb than usual. A lot calmer, but just . . . listless. Other people could use up the space and attention that I don't ask for anyway. They need more help than me.


I hope you don't delete any more of them. For me, your posts are meaningful and thought-provoking. I'd miss a lot if you delete them.
And you know, even if what you wrote was uninteresting and silly, still I'd miss a lot if your words weren't there. I'd miss you. You don't have to succeed at anything or do anything a certain way in order to be worthy of a place here, or to be in my thoughts. You are because... because... well, I can't explain it. You just are because you're you.

For me, I can say these days I often don't have the strength to say a lot. It's a question of how weak I am, how hopeless I feel. I have about the strength of a wilted parsnip at the moment, parsnips don't talk much.

The need to be told and shown what others feel about me otherwise I assume the worst - I have that too  :Idunno: people who aren't traumatized have a hard time understanding that one.
I bet we all often feeling totally undeserving, exhausted, wasting others' time, unseen, unheard, jumpy, useless. And change comes very slowly... it trickles in gradually, it has to get through all the veils and walls of our past fearful habits. And past all these names the ICr gives us but they're all false, they're all lies. You have an important place here and you matter.

And,

I think I know the feeling you described very strongly... that terror of annihilation, it haunts me, especially at night. It's a harsh, cold, terrible feeling. Like the vacuum of space. It's beyond words, that feeling that I don't exist at all.

I think you, by having Rocket's body and Rocket's mind, are very much here. You exist in such a unique way all your own that I can feel you all the way to the other side of the world. Your words jump up at me. That's something that only you do.
To me you exist, no doubt about it. You exist when you feel confident in your own skin, and you exist when you feel you're gone.

These feelings have a terrorizing aspect to them, I think (in my experience) that's related to anxiety and to being in danger. But they also have the existentially benign, beneficial, interesting, real, in-depth, unusual, quirky aspect of reality to them. Analysis of what it means to be "me", to be a person, a conscious being in the world. I hope you never stop exploring that one.
I read somewhere that this exploration is like walking on the edge of a precipice. The existential questions, when asked well, lead you almost to nihilism but never really take you all the way there because it's You who is asking them, who is figuring things out in Your own unique subjective way. But unsettling they continue to be. Sometimes exhilarating, other times terrifying maybe. I personally think that's part of the price one pays for being a person. For thinking abstractly. It's part of the rules of the game.

Maybe.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 09, 2018, 06:47:25 AM
Thanks for that, Ah.  :hug: . I don't know why but I've been reading your post repeatedly for what seems like over 30 times. For some reason, each time I read it I'm still touched by your kindness. Honestly, I'm overcome by the rush of emotions that are surfacing. It's an emotional mix pot -- lots of different emotions from positive, negative, strong, or subtle.

I'm pretty sensitive, and I guess I feel a little shy at how sensitive I am sometimes. But it's an overwhelming relief to be able to let these emotions out rather than being numb. I welcome it more than before.

I'd say more, but I'm feeling a little too shy about the issue for now.  :disappear: Let's just say that my confusion and shyness  of people here are both caused by lack of intellectual understanding of them with more flexible social rules as much as trauma.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 09, 2018, 06:53:25 AM
I tagged along to my parent's office since I needed to stay with them so they can drive their car to my therapy today. I met a friend of my dad, a professor of business in his 20s.

It all began when I had a laugh with other office people about the swear words I learned in the other official language of this country. Heh. I'd manage to find a way to make fun with humor that involves taking things unexpectedly literally, which isn't that hard because I genuinely misunderstand things..

Then with him, I talked about topics ranging from business, rockets, biology, adventure fiction, learning theories, tv shows, weird food practices and more for more than an hour. He was socially smart while I was more technically smart, and so we offered a lot to each other.

I suddenly feel a lot better after. I can adapt to people's interests since my interests range so much, but there's a special type of relating to someone when we can both connect and relate a wide range of topics together. I guess that's why I feel so lonely often even with real life friends now. I have more of my relationship needs to be met for emotional vulnerability and fun, but I'm lonely for intellectual equals.

I don't want to be the smartest and most curious person in the room all the time.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 09, 2018, 08:00:26 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Your discussion with that person today sounds really great.  Stimulating and interesting, and it's great that you felt you complemented one another's interests.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 10, 2018, 10:39:39 AM
Thanks Hope.  :hug:

...
I've been wondering why I've been feeling so frustrated at people recently, and I realized it was because of another flashback. I'd never force people to reach out to me more than they'd have the energy for, but little me's pretty persistent about it.

I just keep remembering trying to suppress my frustration to ask for help at all and not be such a burden on my parents. I guess little me has learned the idea of asking for help, but understands it in more black and white terms — in that enough people should be absolutely available all the time.

I guess when I was a kid, I wasn't old enough to understand a more gray area of this and I guess that's alright. The usual people who've come to visit my journal are a lot more stressed and busy these days, so I'm learning to nurture my own little self myself and still fully grieve.

I wish someday I can spend a whole day without the need of someone to listen. I've spent about two to three years learning how to ask for help and trust people instead of relying on myself all the time. Now it's the opposite again.

But well, time to create a balance, huh? Heh. Funny how that happens.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 11, 2018, 09:49:02 AM
All this time I've been afraid I'm crazy. I'm considering ideas I haven't before, and I remember in a math book I read, they talked about equations that are proved to be impossible to solve.

If I think about it — to know I'm sane or crazy is often judged by how I'm held within the major beliefs of society. But what if society is the one crazy? How can you tell? That's another "equation" that's impossible to solve.

If this goal is impossible to define, then sanity isn't a very helpful goal. Really, because sanity is a connection to reality, and hundreds of years ago, the Earth being flat was a reality. We think they're crazy today, and so will probably be humanity a hundred years from now. The addiction to be sane then is similar to the addiction to greed or status from its impossibility.

Maybe what I really should care about is to always have the doubt. To always have room to doubt that I'm wrong. I said my goals in life was to learn and to help people. I don't have to be "sane" for that, do I?

If I'd have to go insane for those two goals, then maybe I will.

So today I'll be crazy. Yes, I'm crazy, but at least I admit and starting to accept I'm crazy. Everyone is. No one is fully in touch with reality. I'm then fully in touch with the reality that no one is fully in touch with reality.

To admit I'm crazy makes me the least crazy.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 11, 2018, 10:40:11 AM
I feel kinda petty today. I was curious about world issues, and it's a downer. I don't know about it, but I guess I got the message growing up that since I was the smart one, I'd have to take some responsibility to figure out something big for that.

On an achievement test, I got around the 99th or 98th percentile on everything except verbal ability — 92 percentile. People see changing the world as some admiring epic answer to happiness and admiration — but it didn't seem that way to me growing up.

I was smart, but . . . I was still a kid. That was terrifying to imagine to take.

I didn't want that responsibility.

I didn't want it.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 11, 2018, 11:57:20 AM
it's never a kid's responsibility to take on the world's problems.  never to have those expectations placed upon their shoulders.  and, as adults, all we can do is take care of our own little corners of the world.

i've heard so very often the idea that there are a few of us who try to remain sane in an insane world.  the rest just stay distracted with their techno toys.   i know i can't change the world, per se, but i can do good, be loving, to the people with whom i interact or come in contact.  smiling and saying hi to someone i pass while out for a walk may be a small thing, but it's putting good vibes out.  i just think every little bit counts. 

i believe the truly insane are the ones who retreat into a reality of their own making, while those of us who reach out trying to discover how we can become better people, more caring, giving, loving - even if it's that small smile - are the essence of sane.  not perfect, by any means, but not stagnant.  of course, there are all kinds of levels of madness in between.  it's like a minefield out there.

funny how we often learn the swear words first in another language.  i sure did that with spanish when i was in mexico.  they all knew the 'f' word in english, too.  quite the phenomenon.

keep taking care of you, d.r.  sending a warm, loving hug to you.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 12, 2018, 03:54:17 AM
 :hug: San.

....

I have to confess. I was the troublemaker growing up.

The teachers understood that I was smart, but the other students didn't. The smart kids who got high grades were supposed to be the most obedient students they'd all say, but hey, look at me. Some thought I had ADHD.

My emotions were still affected by trauma, but in class growing up — much of it made me feel empty. There was something  both too unchallenging and challenging about it. More memorization than thinking. More verbal than visual. Too loud rather than quiet.

It wasn't petty boredom. It was the kind of boredom that made me want to literally self harm,  the boredom to self criticize myself harshly just for some kind of entertainment, or the boredom to binge on chocolate for a feeling.

But it was also creative boredom. It was playing bowling in the back of class using water bottles and standing books. It was using toilet paper to make art and mess with people. It was finding ways to eat entire meals inside a small classroom unseen when no food inside was allowed.

It's part of why I'm such a bookworm. They figured out that they can only seem to fully calm me down into my seat by encouraging me to read unrelated books in class — sometimes more advanced. Still seems to work today, eh. Mostly.

I guess I said all this because I wanted to hide the idea that I wasn't a perfect student. I guess I felt there was something inherently wrong with me for being bored  — everyone else seeemed to handle boredom better. Why didn't I?

Sigh. My own research did say I wasn't the only one who's gathered an extra amount of trauma from undiagnosed differences.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 13, 2018, 03:48:22 AM
I don't know what to say, but let's just say today I had the worst EF in a long time. And I might have . . . not treated myself well.

I've asked too much from this forum. I've asked too much from everyone here. Asked too much from people in other sites and asked too much from people in real life. I've been too selfish with my time, and everything I've asked for.

Sigh. I guess I'm leaving OOTS for good then.

Goodbye.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: ah on May 13, 2018, 07:20:58 PM
Rocket,

Sounds like one * of an EF  :blink: I'm so sorry you're in so much pain, how can I help so this load can maybe be a bit lighter for you?

I just read something you wrote a bit earlier here on your journal, you said:

Quote from: DecimalRocket on May 10, 2018, 10:39:39 AM

I just keep remembering trying to suppress my frustration to ask for help at all and not be such a burden on my parents.


I can completely understand the feeling that you're a burden. And the overwhelming feeling that says to you that you're self absorbed. I'm told I am... I'm called "psychotic", "monster", "waste of oxygen" and so on and I'm convinced I am. So the depths of these feelings are a darkness that I've visited very often, lately I'm there 24 hours a day. These feelings aren't frightening to me, I know they exist and they don't change how I feel about you.

But even if the feeling is shouting at you that you're all those bad things, you still aren't to us. To me, you've never been a burden. Quite the opposite. I just can't imagine seeing you that way. If you were told you were a burden, I don't like that one bit. The way I see it, little Rocket wasn't a burden either. Feeling like a burden didn't make little Rocket one. It makes no sense to me, you're a full fledged complicated living being with different feelings and ideas and habits. You keep changing and growing, and you're not an object meant for anybody else's enjoyment. You're not a product to be used, you're a person.
You don't need to be happy or self assured to be kept safe and cared about.

Whether you're able to be there for yourself or not at all right now, you're not alone. You're in my heart, and on my mind.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 13, 2018, 09:39:16 PM
Quote from: ah on May 13, 2018, 07:20:58 PM

To me, you've never been a burden. Quite the opposite. I just can't imagine seeing you that way. If you were told you were a burden, I don't like that one bit. The way I see it, little Rocket wasn't a burden either. Feeling like a burden didn't make little Rocket one. It makes no sense to me, you're a full fledged complicated living being with different feelings and ideas and habits. You keep changing and growing, and you're not an object meant for anybody else's enjoyment. You're not a product to be used, you're a person.
You don't need to be happy or self assured to be kept safe and cared about.

Whether you're able to be there for yourself or not at all right now, you're not alone. You're in my heart, and on my mind.

:yeahthat:

I agree with what Ah said - Decimal Rocket, and I want to send you a supportive and friendly hug  :hug: and let you know you're thought of - and I hope so much that you'll be ok.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 14, 2018, 12:40:32 AM
dear d.r., i'm sorry you're in so much pain, i really am.  i echo ah - let me know if there's anything i can do to help.

these ef's are horrific at times, and really do take us to terrible places.  i hope it passes as quickly as possible.  for now, i'm sending loads of love and a hug to wrap you in comfort and care - if you can tolerate it.  i don't want to add anything that will upset you further.  you've never been a burden, now or ever.  i've felt the same way about myself here at times.  it's helped when people refute that for me. 
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: camille13512 on May 14, 2018, 10:55:15 PM
Hey Decimal, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I am with everyone else here: you are not a burden. In fact during some of my worst times, your replies under my posts offered strength and hope for me. I would think over your words and ideas to remind myself of all the other possibilities and alternatives my brain couldn't offer me. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Lots of love and hugs.  :hug:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 15, 2018, 01:37:33 AM
Hey guys, sorry to worry you all. I guess I got emotional from being caught in all that stress. I'm not ready to talk about the EF now, but here.  :grouphug:

Not sure, but I guess what I've been wanting is just getting feedback on what people think my strengths and my progress are. I often deny them.

I missed this place badly, but unexpectedly, I did feel better about leaving for a bit. It was a burden to wonder if I was a burden to others, and somehow just refusing help for a bit calmed down my inner critic. Ah, thanks in particular. I forget during EFs, but I am human. Human as I'll always be.

I'm strangely more creative recently — with stories, drawing and creating melodies without lyrics. I guess it's because emotional awareness is easier now. I wonder if I can mix some of these skills with code or science to make it more accesible, but hey, I'm no expert . . . at least for now.

On the other hand, I realized I'm still a little heartbroken from the girl I had a crush on being already taken recently. You know . . . studying the tech of cryptocurrency and how a blockchain works is harder when you're lovesick.

Welp. The creator of this tech was made by someone known as Satoshi Nakomoto — a person whose true identity is still unknown. Considering my major obstacle is being afraid of what others think of me, I wonder if I could study online anonymity to make some controversial changes in the world without being known or targeted like Satoshi. Huh? I wonder.

I guess the EF was a wake up call to move forward. I grew by knowing my limits, and when I know my limits, I could focus on what I'm really good at when I'm rested enough for it, right?

Now let's see what I can do.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 15, 2018, 09:19:00 PM
you go, d.r.  glad to have you back, more you than ever.

just last nite i was watching a show about cryptocurrency and blockchains, didn't know much about them at all, and here you bring them up.  what are the odds?  actually, you could probably figure that out!  and, yes, i'd imagine that dealing with such subjects would be much more difficult when you have a broken heart.  it can be distracting, at the very least.

i'm glad you found your retreat from here to be pos. for you.  it's worked that way for me at times, too.  sometimes we just need a break from whatever.

keep taking care of you first, always.  you are the most important for yourself.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 16, 2018, 06:50:43 AM
 :hug: Take care of yourself too, San.

...

My pride wanted to punch him in the face.

He was a friend of my dad, a professor of business. I was pissed, but I wouldn't show it out of respect. I asked for feedback on my dream options in a possible business perspective, and he offered comments on each.

One of the things he seemed to notice about me is that I'm shy and avoid conflict. I hate my flaws being so . . . exposed,  EFs flickered with anger in my mind. He gave me some books for this, and I understood something.

World peace isn't such a good idea if it means everyone agrees with each other. To have no bloodshed is good, but to have no disagreements in ideas means there isn't any room to allow each other to grow.

Then who are the best people to learn about dealing with conflict then. The salespeople who get the door slammed on him in each house. The author whose requests for publication is constantly met with shaking heads.. It's the entrepreneurs who begin a startup with potential investors walking away.

Okay, I'm open to that. For now. . .yeah . . . I think I'll . . . I'll pee my pants.

Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 17, 2018, 09:25:36 AM
I just don't know today . . . I can't say what it is, but I caused a misunderstanding with a friend by speaking and understanding things too literally. I think I might have made her pretty angry at my mistake and ended the conversation. Well . . . I guess it's what it is. I hope I can make it up to her. It's not her fault.

I messed things up today really badly. Maybe I'm too repetitive on the issues I struggle to get out of my head too. I think my social skills get worse during EFs and whatever major EF happened a few days ago -- came back today. I'd like to talk to people more at my most stressed, but I'm not sure if people would put up with me more likely saying accidentally hurtful things.

I'd ask more questions to clear up some social rules/guidelines I don't get, but it might sound offensive to ask what people call an obvious question on a serious issue.

What am I feeling now? I don't know. But I think I'm okay. I think -- at least okay enough. Calm but . . . not exactly calm. I guess I'd call it being frozen and unmoving, but yielding. Hopeful yet exhausted. Brave but also terrified.

Huh? Why's my body so feverish and lethargic now? What happened today wasn't that bad. I've been getting sick more and more often lately, even with some not mentioned here.

I don't know . . .
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Estella on May 17, 2018, 10:55:21 AM
I'm sorry to hear what a tough time you're going through at the moment DR. It seems like all these EFs are coming up and no wonder you're exhausted.

Seems like there is a communication issue between you and your friend. Will you take a leap of faith and explain to him what's going on in your mind, how you don't quite understand the social rules and the like?

I hope things improve for you.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 17, 2018, 12:00:27 PM
Thanks, Estella.  :hug:

I contacted her online and she thanked me for clearing it up. Phew. I guess even if I can be kinda clueless to notice things indirectly, I can still communicate things directly. All this social cluelessness has made me a lot more straightforward. I guess that's one social skills area I'm good at least compared to people who give all kinds of confusing signals.

A huge breakthrough happened, but I'm too tired to explain. I have this suspicion that people will just envy or hate me for having something good happen to me. The EFs still have done a number on me, and I need rest. So maybe I'll explain next time.

See you.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 18, 2018, 01:23:29 AM
hey, sweetie, so very glad to hear you were able to clear the air with your friend.

i totally agree with you about peace.  disagreement is a way for us to see something from another perspective, a chance to learn, and, as you said, a means for growth.   plus, we can always agree to disagree if that makes sense for us.  pure peace might be achieved by just going along, but where is individual truth in that?

you do seem to be getting sick a lot lately.  i hope it's nothing serious.  i know you've gotten sick before from distress.  i know that one myself.  but i can recognize it now for what it is as compared to a true illness. 

if something good has happened for you, d.r., i will be very happy about it.  i don't doubt that others will, too.

keep taking care of you.  love and a big healing restful hug.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 18, 2018, 05:43:14 AM
Thanks, San. I was feeling a little unheard and was upset by it, so it's nice that at least one person came by.  :hug:

I don't think I can admit what that big breakthrough is, and I realize it's because I fear being envied. So I'll try to practice saying better and better news slowly until I can get rid of my fear of envy from others.

. . .
They say aspies tend to follow rules too rigidly and I was confused to not see it in myself. I don't have rigid schedules (More like overly specific ways to do an activity that can be done at any time) or follow teachers' rules on schoolwork 100%, but I notice when it comes to morality. . . well, that's where the symptoms express itself. 

Morals were different in the past — slavery, left handedness, homosexuality etc. So I always doubted things too much to the point of settling on no answers until I figure it out myself. But I can't figure it out and I'll just follow direct feedback from reliable people.

The moral areas nearly everyone agrees with are easy but controversial ones still make no sense. Unless it has backed up statistics (ex. Proper non-abstinance sex ed lowers teen pregnancies), then every argument seems arbitrary.

If I'll innovate something for society, it'll be in a more logical area. I'll leave moral innovation to the activists. I've been anxious about the future because I thought I had to make decisions for others to make a difference.

But no, I'm too indecisive for that. I don't give answers.

I discover information. I weave perspectives. I suggest food for thought.

That's what I do best.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 18, 2018, 07:50:53 AM
I don't usually talk about two issues in posts a day in my Recovery Journal, but I'm aching to share it.

I found it strange that I can switch between from upsettingly shy to incredibly unshy, and I found the reason why. I find it easier to communicate ideas visually than verbally.

In school, I was the class clown. I was talented at visual comedy. I could quickly create silly body language in imaginary scenarios and improvise with everyday items on the spot.

But when I tried to speak with words, I'd get afraid. I'll run away from conversations. I'd give overly short responses to questions. People might see my own suffering emotions visually, but I can't explain to them why in words.

I dubbed myself "The Silent Pranker", a nickname that I'm also silent about. Known throughout the entire high school, yet when approached would often freak out to run to bury themselves alone in books and thoughts.

Sigh. I'm more tongue-tied in real life, and online I'm afraid to express my humorous side in text-based environments.

Where can I find the best of both worlds? And why in the world do I have this unique problem in the first place?

I'm weird.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 18, 2018, 09:06:58 PM
you're weird, i'm weird - isn't that what makes us all the more interesting?  all us weirdos are fascinating, and i'd rather be around them than the bland cookie-cutter beiges.

morality is like so many things to me - so very individual.  different cultures have different sets of morals.  how can i say a moral decision in another culture is wrong?  or right? 

i think providing food for thought is an excellent route to follow.  it encourages individual perspectives, diversity, and exercise for the brain.  again, leave the homogeny alone - i want colors in my life.

love and hugs, sweetie.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 19, 2018, 02:15:23 AM
Thanks, San.  :hug: I guess I do like being different a lot more lately, and my ability to think verbally has gotten a lot quicker for better real life conversations. Not entirely though.  I'm still listening to the podcast, "Grownups Read Things They Wrote as Kids", Sceal suggested. And it's comforting to relate to others about the awkwardness of growing up.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 20, 2018, 12:01:33 AM
I woke up with my eyes feeling teary eyed from a nightmare.

After a  vacation, I'd ride back home in a bus. But when I came back, the world around was caught up in a field of monsters. I hid shaking under the dinner table, when another survivor found me there.
I was taken to another survivor's camp and trained to strict standards on how to fight.

I was discriminated against, and I had to stand up for myself with words each time. I remember saying, "So what? Age, gender, social class, and race are all lost in a world like this."

I remember staying inside a plane, and talking with friends. But when one guy tripped and injured himself, people moved quickly to him to help. Not out of kindness, but out of fear. Pain was what attracted the monsters in this world, and happiness was a luxury.

A machine matched him as immoral, and he was taken away — leaving me wondering if I could ever be taken away too.

It was a vivid dream — my senses were heightened and it all felt . . . so real.

I'll try to dry my tears then.

Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 20, 2018, 02:07:42 AM
I have a confession.

Maybe I really am not the best person as I think I am. Somewhere inside me is just a me who just wants to attract more and more people just for the sake of me.. Somewhere inside I'm more pathetic and envious than I am outside. Of maybe just . . . someone who's just unaware of what's better.

So leave me if you like. Have no sympathy for me if you like.

But someone tell me. What makes something just talking about my hurt and attention seeking? What makes something requesting and what makes something begging? What makes something reaching out and what makes something clingy?

At the very least even if my inner critic is just blaming myself too much, I'd have the comfort of at least intellectually understanding why I'm doing something good. People give me all sorts of compliments or insults, and without understanding why, I lack trust in it.

I don't want to be the pain that attracts monsters, and that someday I'll be taken away.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 20, 2018, 08:53:51 AM
Continuing from my last post, I'm still thinking about that misunderstanding and fight I made with a friend before. I must have gotten reactive from the intense EF I had, huh? Sigh.

I've asked too much from that person and crossed boundaries. I did it because I was desperate for help from a narrow source. So I've talked and had a heartfelt talk with my family about another try, and even if they were utterly terrible parents back then, they actually did manage to change for me that night.

I've opened up to my two occupational therapists in the deepest talks I ever had with them about my issues. Not as much as I do here, but it's a start. Gotten the will to get back to the site 7 cups of tea if I want a live conversation online, and some other sites for different conditions I have.

I've been reflecting about it for hours thinking on how to prevent it, and I think . . . some things make sense. Some things still don't, and much of it still gives me a headache. What have I done wrong? I'd prefer people's behavior to work more similarly to equations visualized through graphs, but well, people don't work that way.

I thought I passed that stage of overanalyzing everything to the point of exhaustion, but I'm still scared of what I can't understand well enough. It just moved from educational/career plans to relationships.

Geez. What would it mean if I can't figure out? It would mean it was my fault, and I didn't try hard enough.

It's not just my inner critic who says that. It's my compassionate self too. The difference is one of them actually believes I can do it.

But maybe it's better I don't push myself too much. I feel kinda. . . faint and dizzy.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 20, 2018, 10:03:20 AM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on May 20, 2018, 08:53:51 AM
I've opened up to my two occupational therapists in the deepest talks I ever had with them about my issues. Not as much as I do here, but it's a start.
That is great Decimal Rocket  :hug: to you.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 20, 2018, 02:12:04 PM
you know, i think it's important that we don't put unrealistic expectations on ourselves.  i, for one, have had them placed on me from day 1, and put them on myself for many, many years later.  it can be difficult to get down off that mountain of expectations for ourselves, but from personal experience, it's been important for me to actually do so.  i've found it to be a lot less stressful the more i get off of it. 

so, please take it easy on yourself. 

i'm glad you were able to open up a bit to your folks.  sounds like progress all the way around.  love you, sweetie, and sending you a gentle, caring hug.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 21, 2018, 10:22:08 AM
Hey, thanks, you two.  :hug:

I'm not sure if I deserve the rest, San. I do feel pretty tired of working on anything social can do to me, but do I deserve the rest? I'm still thinking of when I said I'd leave this place for good after an intense panic attack from an EF. Usually, I'm self-aware that my fears aren't logical, but that day I couldn't think logically at all. I probably worried many of you.

I don't remember a day where I haven't been not filled with deep guilt for years, but in that scenario, it made the situation worse to make up for something I didn't do. I've let my heart who's always afraid of what others think to build my own morality, but why can't my own morality be logical too?

Sure, compassion may be felt by the heart, but logic helps implement that in a suitable fashion when the facts are presented. You see, the facts here is that deep guilt makes things worse. I hurt myself and I hurt others more. In my calculation, I understand that my emotions weren't making me see things right.

Why can't my heart be the wiser heart that all these "follow your heart" people are? Their heart actually tells them to do smart things for once. Oh well. Rational compassion helps me more, after all. Being able to straightforwardly tell harmful people in my lives to change even if the truth hurts, is, of course, the thing that actually gets results. And so did my friend help me by being blunt with what I'm doing wrong.

It's tempered with some tact of course -- lead by logic doesn't mean 100% all logic based. Some people could get hurt if my decisions were all robotic, but no, I'm human. A human that can get overemotional from things like EFs and falling in love.

Well, someday I hope what my heart tells me to make sense for once. I don't feel like I need rest, but I do think I do. I slept a lot today.

But my heart did reluctantly forgive itself at least, but I wish someone else would tell me they forgive the crazy lil' guy too. Damn. To say to take it easy for once, and well, that it's alright to cry about hurting others.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 22, 2018, 04:18:18 AM
of course it's all right to cry about hurting others.  that's compassion, that's feeling, that's heart work. 

i think we have 3 major resources to utilize while maneuvering thru the world and relationships.  one is the heart, and it's good in its own way.  love, compassion, caring - all those lovely, kind things come from our hearts.  they're very important.

but, not for everything.  we also need our heads, our logic, comprehension, understanding, learning, et. al., to navigate the waters of life.  without our heads on straight, we can make some very wrong decisions for ourselves. 

the third is our gut.  i believe that's the fundamental basis of knowing what's best for us, for ourselves.  go with your gut when you're unsure.  our heads and hearts can lead us astray - too logical without enough emotion, or too emotional without enough logic.  i believe our gut always has our best interest intact.  it's an intuitive sense that something's ok or not ok.

so, it seems to me that finding balance among the 3 of these is ideal for our lives.  people will always give us advice whether we ask for it or not.  sometimes it makes sense for us, sometimes not.  i'm not giving you advice, by the by, only sharing some of my beliefs with you.  ultimately, you know best what's best for you.  you're still learning, as are we all.

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  lots of love, gentle, caring hugs.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 25, 2018, 08:26:32 AM
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I also wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok - and say that I just popped by to say 'hello'.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 28, 2018, 11:37:44 PM
hey, d.r.

thinking of you.  hope you're ok.  sending love and a big warm hug to you.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 01, 2018, 01:25:22 AM
Hey d.r.
Thinking of you, hope you are doing ok.
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Estella on June 01, 2018, 05:54:54 AM
Hey dr,

I just re-read your last two posts. I wasn't so sure how to respond last time. I just want to say that it seems like you were doing your best for your friend. Whether she understands this or not, you can hold your head up high and be proud of trying. I hope in time, they will see that you had good intentions.

None of us is perfect. It hurts to feel like we've made a mistake. I hope your ot's are still helping you through this difficult time. And that you come back to OOTS soon if it's helpful if you are allowed, as I see the mods may have restricted you. Hang in there  :hug:
Title: Re: Back to Earth Recovery Journal
Post by: Hope67 on June 02, 2018, 07:51:04 AM
Sending you a warm hug, Decimal Rocket - hope you are ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)