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CPTSD and Others => Our Relationships with Others => Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws => Topic started by: Trimman on April 03, 2018, 04:00:55 AM

Title: How to get someone to believe they have c-ptsd ?
Post by: Trimman on April 03, 2018, 04:00:55 AM
     I have been married for almost two years, and I am just now down to giving up on my wife. She left, again, but with all of her belongings, this time. She has left many times in the 3 years that we have been together, after something that triggers her. I see many of the symptoms of c-ptsd, when she goes into what I call an episode. They happen every month or two and last sometimes a week. Isolation (spending time with only her personal belongings), sadness, never speaking to me (for fear of being wrong, as her abuser told her in the past), never going into master bathroom(where her abuse took place), leaving and sleeping in her car for days, and the deflection and blaming me for things I may or may not have done.
     I have learned to agree with everything and be very submissive, to try and not give her a reason to blame me for anything, but cannot win that, either.
     She absolutely will not admit that she has a problem, although I have tried every way to let her know that we should seek help. I love her very much, and would do anything for her, but this does not seem to matter to her. I have been to counselors, and they tell me that I am being the one abused at this point, but I try not to give up on her. She has never said that she was sorry for any of this, since we met, I fear that would be giving herself to someone and maybe feeling vulnerable to a man.
     If I could only get her to see a way to at least admit that she might have a problem.
Title: Re: How to get someone to believe they have c-ptsd ?
Post by: Dee on April 03, 2018, 04:51:47 AM

My sister has issues, but blames everyone else.  She truly believes that she is right and everyone else is wrong.  She has tried therapy but leaves when she doesn't like what they tell her.  She actively advocates against all therapy.  After this last round of being called selfish, disappointing, untrustworthy, I am practicing what I have learned in therapy.  I can't change her, I can only change myself and it might not be accepted.  I can't have the relationship I have always wanted.  To be honest it was a fantasy anyway.  It's time I let her go and take care of me.  It is heartbreaking, but there is no other option.

I'm not saying it is exactly the same for you.  I love my sister dearly, but I can't do this anymore.  I am saying you can only change you and not anyone else. 
Title: Re: How to get someone to believe they have c-ptsd ?
Post by: Rainagain on April 03, 2018, 11:55:25 AM
I refused to look at my own behaviour for a long while, I just didn't notice my issues at all and felt others were treating me unfairly.

I'm not exactly sure where my self realisation came from, I think it was because I was in a less triggering place and felt safe enough to relax a tiny bit.

It didn't come from my suddenly listening to others though, I'm not sure you can get your message across trimman, might be better to look after yourself and giving up on your wife might be the sensible thing to do for you both. If you are seen as part of the problem you won't have a voice that will be heard.

Sorry if I seem negative, I don't think you can change people, and people can only change themselves if they feel they can choose to do so.
Title: Re: How to get someone to believe they have c-ptsd ?
Post by: Trimman on January 15, 2019, 01:06:25 AM
     Well, I guess the result was inevitable, as my wife has finally left for good. I think that she sank into narcissism. The more I told her that I loved her, the more she criticized me for menial things, demeaned me to the point that I could not take any more abuse. I could not do anything right in her eyes It is truly sad. I am happy in the thought that I stuck with her for many years, but I had to quit pretending that  things were going to get better. Never could she ever say that she was wrong nor sorry about anything in our relationship. It got where I would not want to be around her because of the hurt that she made me feel. I have studied and read many articles and books and that has saved me from self doubt.
Title: Re: How to get someone to believe they have c-ptsd ?
Post by: Trimman on January 15, 2019, 01:09:21 AM
     Sometimes I think of how narcissism caused a lot of my wife's CPTSD, and that is what she eventually became. So sad.
Title: Re: How to get someone to believe they have c-ptsd ?
Post by: Rainagain on January 15, 2019, 01:35:31 AM
I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

You are not to blame, your task was impossible, outside of your control.

I read a little recently about long term effects of untreated PTSD and cptsd.

I can't remember much of it but it included blaming others, refusing to accept any opinion other than their own, resentment of any kind of authority, basically hostility, anger,denial.

It might look like narcissism but when I was like that I hated myself rather than loved myself.

I know people who have had treatment, have given up the denial and tried to accept reality and deal with the trauma, I know others who are set on the course of denial and cannot or will not be reached.

When I was in denial I genuinely couldn't see any other choice, or that there was anything wrong with me.

I wasted many years.

Someone told me once that 'hurt people hurt people'.

I'm sorry you have been hurt.
Title: Re: How to get someone to believe they have c-ptsd ?
Post by: Libby183 on January 15, 2019, 08:45:43 AM
Sorry to read about your separation, Trimman. I understand how hard it is as my husband has just decided that we will divorce.

Your post, and the replies, really made me think. Therapy forced onto me the fact that I am profoundly damaged by my pd mother. I fought not to pass this on. But I was always accutely aware of how volatile I am and always apologised and admitted to my faults, and explained where my reactions came from. Like Rainagain says, I hated rather than loved myself. I see more clearly now that my husband never apologised for anything, big or small. The word sorry absolutely never passed his lips in thirty years. I think this was very triggering to me as my mother never said sorry to anyone either. She was too narcissistic (or traumatised) ever to be wrong. In both cases, I was too busy taking all the blame on myself, to see how they were.

Sorry for the ramble. This thread has helped clarify a few things.

Trimman, I hope you go on to have a very good life, full of all the things you want to do.

All the best to you.

Title: Re: How to get someone to believe they have c-ptsd ?
Post by: Kizzie on January 15, 2019, 07:44:13 PM
From what you have described it sounds like your W does have NPD versus CPTSD. It may not seem like much help right now, but knowing your W has NPD is freeing in a way.  My parents and B have/had NPD and there was no getting through to them. It took decades for me to let go of the hope that they would ever change or that I could connect with them but in the end that was what I had to do. Once I read/talked about NPD I had to accept that those with NPD don't respond well to treatment (and often won't even go b/c they don't think there is anything wrong with them), and move on. 

It is difficult and sad though I know.  I hope once you work through you do go on to have a full & happy life.  :yes: