Dear Comrades, Dear Purusha
why big Dudette? Because I used to watch "The Big Lebowski"over and over again. No I am not big, but I guess I somewhat idealize physically strong humans, this is logically a result of once being helpless/powerless and now wanting to be strong enough to " fight" back. I think I am aware of the fact that being physically strong is not the key, rather developing something like empowerment and a sense of self.
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well, I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels
Operator jim croce
jim croce is one of my favorites. that's such a great song, too. another one along that line is 'most of the time' by bob dylan. the words to both those songs have hit home more than once.
the big lebowski, huh? i agree with you, our strength comes from inside. knowing self is a major powerhouse.
keep taking care, dudette. big hug to you filled with power and strength.
Thanks Sanmagic for your supportive words, being seen/ heard and acknowledged is very helpful. "Most of the time" from Bob Dylan!Need to check that one out!!! Yes Jim croce had that melancholic thing going, his words move me....
Leaving a world behind...
was born on an island, another child to a population with 14,...... million humans, in the 80's. Two individuals brought together from their tribe. Leaders are mostly oppressors in these tribes and the oppressed usually obeys because thats what you usually Do if you are conditioned that way and even if you know these rules are dispiseful you still follow in order to survive. Revolt is no sign for intelligence in this man made system. So, a man and a woman did what they had to Do, they followed the given social norms.
The Man accepted his fate with the magic bottle in his hands, the woman hoped to get free, while dreaming. His magic bottle gave him the power to revolt by beating his wife everyday, trying to kill her or erase the child. That was his own private rebellion. His private rebellion is accepted, so I guess not so private after all. This is how things work in a society where the facade should be built up with walls out of steel. Her escape finally happend, when he once again tried to destroy her...
A few years later, another figure entered her (our) world. Moved to places, different people entering and leaving. Was put to a boarding school, a religious one. This is when I had to become a warrior. Little warrior knew that every sign of weakness is her downfall. We sucked up, played by the rules, didnt get caught up in selfpity. The harder you get the lesser you get hurt. Thats an old mantra, and it might've worked well.
They, the tribe aka family asked her to give that child of a sinner to a childrens home. “This child will remind you of him, him the sinner“. She didnt, she kept that child. She searched for safety in a world that wasnt willing to give her anything. A woman who breaks the system will be punished, will be abondoned, these stigmas will be seen no matter what.
Dear warrior,
do you remember when he tried to k** her? We went and fought with our fists. They were not accepting us, we banged against doors and asked for refuge...which we finally got. They didnt see that strength in us, they saw waste, a product out of misery. A child of a sinner needs to be repaired, corrected and cleaned. Two teachers recognized something in us, they said, this child has got talent, she might be intellectually gifted...? But thats of no use, born a sinner you stay a sinner...
The 1990s were spent playing games with denial, their perfectly designed cognitive dissonance and taking care of a child that has been misplaced. The misplaced child walked with the warrior, chose her words carefully, played the games and kept secrets, well hidden. Disconnection gave her sanity, unplugging and escaping....
I learned to leave places very quickly,thats what nomads Do, thats what a so called hippie will Do. This idylle was to end and we left the continent, travelled, always moving....
In the end of the 90s I again misplaced myself, my warrior went to rest, and I thought it might be time to end this journey.Landed in a psychiatric ward, and since 2012 therapy in and out. In 2015 I began my Trauma Therapy. I met a trauma Therapist who has a 20yr exprience working with traumatized individuals. She has been extremely helpful to truly work through trauma.
shankara, that's quite a story, heartwrenching. i'm just glad you made it out and have found someone who is helping you now.
that warrior spirit, i think many of us have it - i believe it's what's kept us alive, fighting, battling, and ultimately surviving. i also believe that once we have it and recognize it, it's important to nurture it, claim it, and use it when necessary. we don't always have to be warriors full on, tho, but we can also learn that as we continue to heal.
i honor that warrior spirit within you.
thanks for sharing. i know there are more battles to be fought, but their intensity will continue to lessen as we continue to move forward. love and a big hug.
You have a wonderful way of writing that really brings out the story I notice. I like it. I like your strength. I like your bravery. I like your perseverance. Certainly not the perfect picture of it, but that's what makes it more relatable.
Thank you for sharing that. Thank you.
Thank you Sanmagic and Decimalrocket. Yes, we all have a warrior within us! Thats for sure....
My replies come late, due to work etc.
Thanks Decimalrocket ! Both of your posts are encouraging.
:thumbup:
No misanthrope here, but I am no fan of humans in general. Use to read books about isolation a lot, emerson or thoreau were always very appealing. One day, if I am not completely disillusioned I will leave to live on an island. Back here in Reality I have realized that my "I need to toughen up" thinking mode is nerve wracking! Day in and out... the constant fear that someone will have power over me.
it sounds nerve-wracking. maybe you're already as tough as you need to be - you've made it this far, after all.
i've often thought of becoming a hermit, being by myself. no expectations, pressures, tension, stress - sounds loverly. on the other hand, i also love being around people who are laughing and having a good time. quite the pull. we'll see what tomorrow brings. as will you. keep taking care of you above all else. loving warm hug to you, shankara.
Sanmagic, thank you !!!!!!!
Get you there San! People can be people and still be nice to be with even if we all carrying our different sides to us, ambivalences and demons. I suppose most of us need the mirroring of ourselves to keep us nurtured. Thats a human thing.
Have been eating &?$* today, lots of busicuits, coke and other crap. Thats the thing with having sugar in the mouth, cannot resist that. I go to the gym twice a week which isnt enough but I am way too exhausted (Or lazy) To do more after work. Every second day Yoga is helpful but quite boring most of the time. I avoided yoga for a long time,as I was sceptical about this whole yoga craze and the tendency to make it into something spiritual. As I began I realized it did help to calm me down, sleep better, especially the pranayama techniques. well...trying to keep it up.
It sounds to me as if you're being a bit hard on yourself. I doubt you're lazy. Twice a week at the gym! Wow. CPTSD tends to make us tired, especially in combination with healing work. So you might very well be too exhausted to get to the gym more often than you're doing. I tend to eat when exhausted. Not helpful for me generally-speaking.
I got into yoga before the yoga craze but am taking a very long break atm. I figured you might be into yoga though with your name. ;)
Have you seen the food issues thread? http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9194.15 It's now locked due to length and a second one started. So if it's any comfort you're certainly not the only one on here with food issues. There's a good lot of information in there, experience etc. if that could be any help. Sometimes just good to vent about it though as you did here.
Hi Blueberry! Eating is a seductive distraction... thanks for the notice about the food issues thread. Trying not to buy all those unhealthy stuff but its still hard to resist. It took me a few years to change my eating habits, get stabalized, Do weight training and keeping up the " drinking 1 1/2 L- 3-4 veggies/fruits a day- taking supplements" and so on. This is very hard when depression kicks in but I am really trying.....crawling and creeping.....
Another day where I felt very tired when I woke up also due to allergies. It took me a while to get the day started, on such days, I put on songs like "A little bit of love by brenda russel". Took a cold/warm shower and wasnt really in the mood to go work out, but I had to as I didnt Do anything this week. 1 hour weight training was helpful plus my tiredness was vanishing slowly. I wouldnt say that I truly enjoy working out but I feel physically strong and getting muscles is a nice thing. I am on it for 7 months now, lets see how it goes.
Its hot over here, very unusual as its still april. Loads of kids playing outside, screaming and eating ice cream. Not very interested in neighbours so I watch them and wonder if they fear death.?Odd questions pop into the mind, anyways I am more of a watcher still rather than melting in. Being an introvert plus disliking to talk much is a reason. The whole small talk thing needs to be learned, and I might be ok with it now. But I definitely dont go around putting on pretentious smiles and “how are you“ blahhh. If I dont want to talk, I will not, even if someone might find it uncomfortable.
At work (medical sector) being empathic is needful, I find this doable but I cannot always comfort others in a appropriate way. Some patients cry because they fear they might get bad results, this doesnt happen often but when it does I usually offer them a glas of water or sweets. One of my colleagues is able to hug sometimes, I cannot do that, so I just stand around (Not like an android) trying to look like a caring person. I dont have that compassionate thing going, maybe one day when I feel more compassion I can truly be there for others, but until then I wont fake it. I value authenticity a lot ( Socially compatible realness), and find fakeness absolutely horrible, but still understanding that we all have moments where we need to put on a mask at times to somehow get through situations in life. Thats also a reason why I avoid social media. I dislike putting pictures out there.
So, I will put on some vedic mantras and get to yoga later. Now I will watch some episodes of “friends“, eat a burger later and maybe read a little zadie smith or arundhati roy.
I feel I am ignoring certain emotional states, which is due to pain that is at times unbearable.... I have a quote that I have wrote in my notebook which needs a closer look. I find E. Nijenhuis work quite helpful, and from his book
“The division of the personality in Trauma involves three major prototypical subsystems of traumatized inviduals personality:
More or less trauma-ignorant and trauma-ignoring apparently normal parts, fragile emotional parts and controlling emotional parts. The link lies in the difficulty to integrate and realize traumatic experiences and their consequences, particularly when it comes to the immense problem of chronic childhood traumatization.“ Ellert Nijenhuis
crying also happens a lot these days.. whatever. Until next time, NAMASTE.
Well, it's nice for you to focus on what you value the most throughout your day to day life, Shankara. I don't talk much to people either, but when I do it's often intellectual or humor filled, but I respect our differences.
From my experience reading all kinds of people's stories through their daily life, people have different preferences of how their compassion shows and how others show compassion to them. Some prefer compassion in big smiles and lots of small talk. Other people may prefer a more calming and listening presence like yours.
Who knows? Maybe there's a patient in there who's as tired of small talk and fakeness as much as you?
I remember a Calculus teacher I had who was absolutely strict and high standards with his expectations on me and other students, but I find it encouraging that in a way he believed I was equal to other students in having the chance to learn. Then there was another Math teacher I had that was serious yet motherly, and allowed second chances to her students that encouraged me too. Another teacher was no nonsense and tough, yet she always did what she could to protect her students from harm.
See? Different types of compassion.
Anyway, it was interesting about that info about trauma. I've experienced lots of benefits from that view. I hope you do too.
See you. :)
people have different preferences of how their compassion shows and how others show compassion to them. Some prefer compassion in big smiles and lots of small talk. Other people may prefer a more calming and listening presence like yours.
Who knows? Maybe there’s a patient in there who’s as tired of small talk and fakeness as much as you?
[/quote]
@DecimalRocket :) Yes, that is true, people with their own Art to be compassionate. What I personally dont want to do is, artificially change my ways to communicate, rather trying to be with whatever comes up.
Good to read that you have experienced such encouragement. Thank you very much for sharing DecimalRocket
Not allowed to rant, so I will not. Many running around with their smartphones, with seemingly no interest in their environment... "seemingly". So, I am just wondering why this whole selfiemaking, presenting oneself constantly is all about, well no, no need to wonder, we humans need to express ourselves one will say. No, interest to take part in these "look at me, look at the things I am doing, saying, showing" etc. But, thats Ok, and why should anyone bother, why should I bother? What am I talking about?
Woke up with allergy symptoms, but manageable..I'm free on fridays so I have to figure out if its gym, yoga and cleaning a bit here and there or reading and laying around? Working out is helpful so I really need to carry myself to the gym.
I'm a bit hesitant to write about the way I feel. Always had this issue in Therapy, I'd rather be rational and logical but less emotional. My fabric of the mind, is more about control. Sadness is about leaving my homecountry and not feeling rooted here, detached, disconnected to humans. Thats Cptsd fashion so nothing new. What am I doing to re-connect? Not enough I suppose. Yoga has been helpful to tap into certain areas, but I still feel the strong need to isolate.
Not so ok in the mornings, what I feel is fear. Fear to live, death etc. This is there every morninc when I wake up. Weather is good, will go out to get the jungle mind sorted out. Practicing yoga plus getting some veggies into the belly. ???
This sounds strange and silly maybe:
There is a shop here in the corner where I had to pick up a parcel... the guy in that shop has something very triggering to me. He doesnt smile, looks grumpy, a man who might be a bit arrogant(My interpretation). I was there once and he appeared rude somewhat... usually this is extremely triggering because I have this strong urge to show that I am powerful. Today I had to pick up the parcel and I answered rudely back in a loud voice and left the shop. What bothers me is not the Man but the fact that I still react in such a way this being such a small thing about picking up a parcel. What???? Why exaggerating rather than thinking, so what ?? I might not see this man ever again, why??????? I am still very reactive to this, wanting to always not feel less worth, oppressed. This is not resolved. No No No No No No No No
Please if someone reads this, I need a lil advice :stars:
I must go out. Feel like inner terror. This is ridiculous my rational mind says, obviously not my inner fearing part who wants to isolate.
Even if I feel like a weak pece of meat. This still needs action. I must Do 3 things today.
Bring bottles to the supermarke and buy a few things=
Clean the toilet =
Yoga =
.
I was hoping to get some advice...well ok, it didnt happen. Thats life...one cannot force/expect.
It has been a difficult Day, because I constantly feel as if things will fall apart any moment. I feel weak, brittle, shaky as if I will break into pieces any moment...
Dislike feeling this vulnerability, breakability, as if I can be blown away any minute. I fear people, I feel I cannot stand for myself, I feel I need mercy from others that I am OK the way I am.
I am wondering, if I write in a certain way, thats not likeable. I guess its just how it is. Thank you for reading. Take care, anyone who might read.
Advice is to be avoided in general unless a mbr specifically asks for it, and even more so in Journals. Your Journal is more space for self-reflection. Some mbrs don't read other journals at all! So if you need validation or responses, write on a part of the forum applicable to your topic.
Especially if you're having a really difficult day, then use Difficult Day. Then your post stands out.
Sounds as if you're having an EF in the corner shop. It's not at all silly. Please be gentle with yourself. maybe read about EFs on here? Or just reground. Do someting self-soothing but easy for self? That lowers the threshhold of doing. :hug:
Thank you Blueberry.
I'm NOT OK. i feel like I must leave to somewhere. I cannot face humans, I want to isolate.
:-(
:hug: :hug: These are just virtual so don't have to be overpowering.
I sometimes isolate consciously. It's OK to do that I think so long as it doesn't go on for weeks. If you can manage some self-soothing, all the better. That can be just curling up on the sofa under a cosy blanket listening to your favourite music.
I also like nice smells, so I might put some perfume on or use rose oil on my stone diffuser. Something quite different might be good for you, but using our senses is often good in some way. Cosy blanket is tactile e.g.
Cozyness and nice smells sounds good Blueberry.
Will get to something similar. Thanks.
hey, shankara,
i relate to that overreacting thing. i think it may be that we aren't well practiced in being assertive so we either shrink away or become aggressive. especially if someone is triggering for any reason. that man's attitude may have unconsciously reminded you of someone from your past who made you feel weak/vulnerable, and your initial reaction was to protect yourself.
i do believe that as we continue to go thru our healing journey, we'll learn more about ourselves, who and what we are, who and what we want to be, and head forward toward some of those goals. it takes exploration, experimentation at times, self-discovery, time, patience with ourselves and practice.
i'm sorry you're having those terribly weak feelings. i think you'll begin feeling stronger inside as you continue to move thru this jungle of c-ptsd. hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you. love and hugs.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 01, 2018, 03:48:09 PM
hey, shankara,
i relate to that overreacting thing. i think it may be that we aren't well practiced in being assertive so we either shrink away or become aggressive. especially if someone is triggering for any reason. that man's attitude may have unconsciously reminded you of someone from your past who made you feel weak/vulnerable, and your initial reaction was to protect yourself.
Yes San that was the case.... Thank you so much for writing... Words are always helpful.
Got thrown out of a spaceship, landed on a planet, definitely our solarsystem... so I think I had no plan, just something like intuition maybe. Here I went on another survival trip.
Star trek came into rescue. Wanted to become a Vulcan, wanted to meet Gene Roddenberry, but the guy died in 1991. Too bad for me.
Why Vulcans are so appealing? They have mastered their emotions fully, they have this unhurtable, untouchable aura. Well, sounds maybe silly to perhaps stuck heads into those fictitious worlds... that Gene roddenberry guy was old too, so why bother?
Walking on thin ice is a challenge, especially when I feel splintered, trying very hard to distinguish between real and unreal. Who is threatening? Who is going to use you? How much can you let show?
Memories come in snapshot mode, fear catches me, grief catches me. Crying my eyes out, sensing heaviness. I want to puke because grief seems to have that quality. I watch sigourney weaver in alien when I feel weak, or I watch sisko from Star trek. Or alice morgan from Luther. Ok thats strange to like that alice figure, this woman is toxic. Anyways...in hardcore -weak sensing this helps....
I relate to wanting to master emotions like a Vulcan, but I guess life is more complicated in some way. Vulcans aren't as unemotional as they seem on the outside, and the Star Trek wiki talks about how their logic is a way to control their extreme emotions.
Spock is iconic for being controlled and objective, but inside he felt different for being half human and how that makes his emotions stronger. To heal he had to be fully aware and integrate both parts of himself - logic and emotion. He had to be aware of both, hear each side's opinions, and combine it into an action and goal both can agree on.
Maybe the secret to healthy logic is healthy feeling.
Not sure if it's okay to come back to my old Diary, I wasn't able to remember my previous access details, so I'm back as Rani..
I think I want to come back to ,,The Big Dudette"...
welcome back, rani. hope you're doing well. :hug:
Thanks Sanmagic7
thanks * the welcome.
* how to survive todayI which was yesterday, I landed this morning more smoothly, it's okay to carry a loneliness that doesn't hurt as much.. because there is a buffer inbetween. I have a loving husband, a mother that has gotten a bad Diagnosis (Not the worst but it does have a bad prognosis). Today I was trying to keep the dialog with the inner voice/narrative that constantly says ,,Other people (In-laws, * in my native country and elsewhere) Don't really seem to care, I should just cut them off * a while, so that I don't * hurt when nobody is asking me how I *". The next voice thinks that it really doesn't matter, it shouldn't, you shouldn't need the need * that kind of connection. It's not them, it's your inner void that seeks * attention, investigate that rather than waiting * someone to ask you, how you * ect...
It's hard to give both voices acknowledgement, it is hard no to ignore the voice that says :Look, you are a person of colour, you live in a white mans land, you don't belong here, and even if many people aren't aware of it, there is a very very subtle devaluation, it's so concealed, so deeply conditioned that even ,,they" aren't aware of it?! Why Do I have to Do the ,,WORK"? The work??????? Which work? What do you mean with work? The work of >>>>trying to belong>>>> why do I have to run behind other people? Do you run behind them? Well yes it does * as if I have to try harder, and it puts me in a place of being the outsider, the one that always will have to be good/say the right thing/ be kind be this and that?! One wrong step and I will be thrown out. Who will throw you out? They, the others!!!!! It's as if I must be perfect to be liked. And * all of them, I won't do so, either they like me or they shall * off. So when they * off, things will be easier? Give me an example?
Well you know E that she hardly ever, ever asks me how I am doing! How often does that happen? What about the moments when she did? She did ask, when my mom got the diagnosis, but then after a * Days, it was all over.. Do you ask? Yes, I did before!
I will still say, that I am not being seen, they tend to ignore me. What about the moments they did invite you, multiple times?
Today it still * as if I am abandoned, I will stay on this narrative, it's the magnifying glas that brings certain situations on to the macro level. It's the survival mode that looks out * those who aren't there Be aware child, don't * into that trap.
Bring me home.
I don't want to live here she says, and I cannot live on the island either...
I'm back in my journal..
I see that on this forum not much is going on..
That's okay though, because I've been quite depressed, since a while now. Felt stable, as if life is doable, not everything is such an extreme challenge.
It's hard to do life..
****** Dont read if you are not stable enough*****
Mornings are hard, mornings remind me ,,Oh I am alive, this is life, this means I have responsibilities, work, people, daily routines, and so on***
This sounds very naive and silly:
I wish I could be in another humans mind.. not in a chaotic mind, someone who is wise, someone who has done farming for a long time, someone who has had no traumatic upbringing, who feels safe in their body and space, in a world mostly unsafe, as if their viewing the world also with awe, where there's little to non survival mode in their brain.
I'm tired of going through the same repetitive thoughts, emotions, pathways that are deeply carved into my mind. I'm exhausted, but it isn't that bad like it used to be after almost 20 yrs of therapy, doing many changes, yet again I feel this deep deep despair, as if Iam carrying something so heavy in my heart.. I just cannot seem to place it somewhere else.
I am no spiritual person.. I don't think I ever was..
Yoga helps (Not saying yoga has to be spiritual) but at times I think to myself ,, what's the point? I am going to feel and see the same thing over and over and over again.."?!
Same people, same reality same same.. it's almost painful to be reminded of this.
I've come to a point where I've lost a lot of hope, I'm deeply depressed and yes, I know how this sounds, it's this whinny voice and I dislike it..
I have people that care for me, and I still work out, despite feeling low, changed my diet a couple of years ago..
Yep the depression, it comes and hits badly.
Hi Shankara,
Welcome back.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope! It feels good to read you name ,,Hope"..
——————————————————————
—-I need to get to work, I am almost crying, and I'm trying to make myself feel more gathered.. I'm all over the place..
I could do the excercises to bring parts more into dialogue, they should be more seen.. I've ignored the part work, I don't do the visualizations, I haven't done the tapping.. EFt with my Mantra.
Why Shankara do you keep forgetting to do these things?
Everytime there's some friendship thing going on I forget to consider my attachment style.
The little one who fears abandonment, how to give a sense of safety to that child.
I came across someone who has knowledge on Ayurveda, Vedic philosophy and Childhood trauma.. it explains a lot, Vata Dosha is very familiar, yet I also need the work of Ellert Nijenhuis, I haven't gotten back to..
I feel everytime these themes come up, I need that information always, but in my mind territory I tend to fall into the trap of hopelessness.
I need some little inspiration, I need Art or something creative
Ive been dealing with PMS symptoms, depression and exhaustion.. the things that keep me somewhat stable and functioning is the gym, Yoga and trying atleast to keep nutrition on check.. no snacking at work, very little Gluten or sodas or whatever.. yet it's easy to grab a cookie which was suppose to be one and suddenly you've eaten 5. Which I did a few months ago, but doesn't happen now, I'm quite happy about it, that the binge eating is no longer there.. this is hard because I have to eat breakfast even if I don't want to. Enough Protein and I don't feel the need to fill myself.
Everything feels like discipline, I know that I have to keep it up, it doesn't matter how depressed I am, I must because feeling tired all the time is much worse.
Haven't been to Cryotherapy since two weeks now. I love the cold, the clear mind afterwards but I was engaged in other things that I didn't make it to the Cryocenter..
I feel sad and slightly anxious, about work, about people, about everything pretty much..
Shankara,
Like Blueberry, I'm impressed you can hit the gym twice in a week. I've stopped going completely.
I'm so tired these days that I sleep all night, and then take long naps during the day. The wet winter weather is a part of it, but so is the trauma of the past, which is still coming around to bug my present self.
I don't know if you will resonate with this, but in speaking only for myself, I just struggle to find enough self-love to want to take care of myself. To me, this is more about a lack of self-love than gym frequency. If I truly loved myself, I'd organically take better care of myself, my diet, and my exercise. Rather than trying to force myself to the gym, I'm trying to find enough self-love to want to feel good again.
I have this crazy belief that there is a spiritual solution to every physical problem. The spiritual solution for me here is to find a way to accept that I deserve to be loved as much as anyone else on this earth does. If I can accept that spiritual solution, that I'm lovable, the physical problems of having no motivation to clean up my diet, exercise, and diminished energy, will cure themselves. My mantra for this is As above, so below.
For me, once the motivation is there, the exercise will follow. If I exercise while feeling self-hatred, that exercise just wears me out. But during those rare times when I feel like I love myself, or when I feel like maybe I have a purpose to life, the same exercise becomes exhilarating. Again: This is just me talking only for myself. I'm sharing it in case it resonates in any small way.
@Papa Coco
I'm so tired these days that I sleep all night, and then take long naps during the day. The wet winter weather is a part of it,
Hi! Thanks for sharing Papa Coco, my late comes in pretty late, was as always caught up with Day to day struggles. How do you feel now energy wise? Hope you are able to recharge well ?!
I don't think it's a crazy belief Papa Coco, and I respect the fact that people have some sought of a spiritual anchor to be able to walk this life, which is tough and a struggle but also to find beauty, which is maybe not always easy to realize especially for those like us who've gone through terror for many years. so to find meaning is very human.
I did experience self hatred for many many years, which after almos 20 yrs of therapy, isn't the case now, yes selfcritical yet no hatred. Selflove is a dimension that doesn't quite fit with me though, it's more like discovering parts of self the hard/ difficult aspects of self and the more kinder ones.. by doing things. Movement, Body therapy etc etc
when I feel like I love myself, or when I feel like maybe I have a purpose to life,
Wishing you more and more moments where you feel this way, may they be longer and more meaningful..
Best wishes
Was asked from L if I'd like to visit the Buddhist Centre.. they do evening Mantra singing and meditation and on somedays they offer Yoga..
Yes maybe I should be open minded , this open minded thing is not easy though, when your pre-conceptions act out.. then a voice tells me that I should just give it a try, No not in a helpless place where your mind tells you all the stories why you have those preconceptions about all those so called spiritual people sitting around and why Buddhism isn't just about forgiving and forgetting and that theres profound meaning.. maybe you've mixed up the whole ,,spiritual people abusing power-or that it's spiritual bypassing"..
I've experienced this, I know M who tried so hard to deal with her conflicting emotions towards her parents, yet her Guru tells her that what she feels is wrong, she has the skills offered to her to forgive and have compassion towards those who hurt her.. so her conflicting, contradicting feelings shouldn't be there.. one can imagine what happens when you have to suppress for that long and feeling guilty for feeling that way..
I've seen it and see that till today, because I come from that world, I feel I must be very much aware of it.. to not fall into those traps. But still being open to those who offer teachings because not everyone needs to be ,,that"! Plus what what has that to do with Buddhism!? Nothing
I've been tired, very much.. went for walks, did some little training.. went to the Cryocenter.. the cold gets me to stay present.. in a good way.
There's some emotional wave that hits me, yet I can't seem to find the words to describe it, not even to my own self. It's as if I've lost many, those I knew, and there's this painful knowing that HOME is long gone. I don't feel as if I'm home, I do feel it with my mother and my husband.. yet it's a very fleeting state, it isn't rooted. It doesn't feel as if I belong to a community of people who get me, who just get me without having to explain myself.. I know where this is originating from..
I am sad
I'd like to stay at home, just lay in bed, call in sick and watch Netflix.. but there's a downside to this, it doesn't do anything to me.. I'll fall into a sea of despair and everything will feel so stagnant, as if I'm standing infront of a steel door, unable to move, trying to open that door... helplessness is hard, it's the stuckness in time and space, nothing opens up..
Sci-fi literature helps at times, Ursula Leguin or Ted Chiang or just Star Trek, Frank Herbert (Dune), atleast I can find some solace in those fantasy worlds, philosophies, because you know longer have to deal with the limitations of my inner world, the scope of my skull, I can maybe go beyond just for a little time..
It's hard to wake up to realize that I'm confronted with this world, life , people and everyday, the meat grinder, never ending feelings and stories we tell ourselves in order to live
I need to get to work, I fear being alive not speaking about anxiety, yet things coming to an end, a parent that will die because that's reality, me leaving this world, duties of day to day life, obligations, people speaking and telling their stories and sometimes you understand yet you never feel connected, or I hardly do..
I don't talk much, probably introversion, I don't fear speaking up at times, depending on the situation, I can speak up but I also know that there's absolute exhaustion when interacting.. I don't have the energy and I need that little strength to ,,DO" life.
I think I've written too much here.. it feels like to much too quickly thrown out.
👋
I my opinion, you haven't written too much. This is your recovery journal to write as much as you feel the urge to.
I homed in on that comment that you made about your M's guru telling her she's wrong for how she sees things. I agree with you completely, that telling her she's wrong is not a productive way to provide loving healing. That sounds like CBT to me. I've had 7 Good old CBT's who wanted more than anything to show me that I'm wrong. It's just clinical trash talk. When we have a thought or belief that's holding us back, we approach that belief in love, not by accusing it of being wrong.
For those of us with CPTSD, calling us wrong only triggers us because that's what our families did to us for decades. They called us wrong all the time.
If writing here is helping you feel better today, then by all means, keep writing. That's what we all came here for: to share freely the things we can't share out in the open public.
Hi Shankara,
I agree with PapaCoco - I don't think you've written too much. In our recovery journals, there isn't a limit (as far as I know) on how much we write - whatever feels best to you is ok (in my opinion).
I was interested to see you attended a Cryocenter and that the cold helps you to stay centered.
I have to dash off now as I have a cake coming out of the oven, but wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Quote from: Papa Coco on March 12, 2024, 04:04:41 PMI my opinion, you haven't written too much. This is your recovery journal to write as much as you feel the urge to.
I homed in on that comment that you made about your M's guru telling her she's wrong for how she sees things. I agree with you completely, that telling her she's wrong is not a productive way to provide loving healing. That sounds like CBT to me. I've had 7 Good old CBT's who wanted more than anything to show me that I'm wrong. It's just clinical trash talk. When we have a thought or belief that's holding us back, we approach that belief in love, not by accusing it of being wrong.
For those of us with CPTSD, calling us wrong only triggers us because that's what our families did to us for decades. They called us wrong all the time.
If writing here is helping you feel better today, then by all means, keep writing. That's what we all came here for: to share freely the things we can't share out in the open public.
Thank you PapaCoCo for writing!
Yep the whole "Think this way and you will master your mind" isn't helpful.. not at all. It might work for some.. maybe it gives some ppl a sense of control.
But I feel with attachment Trauma there's so much going on pre verbal and it needs to be addressed.. through words, through movements , whatever..
Thank you for encouraging me to write PapaCoco.. how have things been for you?
I just didn't know what to write.. sometimes thoughts feel like Blah Blah
There's this deep deep sorrow I just can't pinpoint, it's subtle and then massive but I can't quite wrap my mind around it. I feel this misery when I wake up (Nothing new) And it's this sense of unbelonging.. you have a partner that's very supportive and kind (Grateful for that) Yet I feel deeply isolated, there's this mix of Grief, fear, Hopelessness.. there's no community, you lurk around anonymous, everyone living in their private worlds.
Yes I am aware that time is limited.. we all know! My mother will leave , one day our time is up. I just can't live, I don't like being alive..
There's nothing to look forward to..
I feel like giving up
Quote from: Hope67 on March 23, 2024, 03:55:55 PMHi Shankara,
I agree with PapaCoco - I don't think you've written too much. In our recovery journals, there isn't a limit (as far as I know) on how much we write - whatever feels best to you is ok (in my opinion).
I was interested to see you attended a Cryocenter and that the cold helps you to stay centered.
I have to dash off now as I have a cake coming out of the oven, but wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you.. hope your cake turned out well..?!
Thanks for your kind words!
This feels like ego Talk, but that's the point of writing a diary.. it's the whole Me Me Me that kind of puts a part of me off.. but if I can find some sort of consolation.. well then, then, at least that.
Humans are dangerous.. that's the sentence that pops up in my mind. I walk, I sit in the train, I work, and there they are.. all the "I"s with all contradictions, ambivalences, humanness, and good/bad/black n white and grey.
I dislike saying "I hate people" because that feels like absolute bitterness.. there's a part of me who never allows me to people please.. because If I do I'm reminded of helplessness.. I have a tendency to be a bit feisty.. not always, because at the same time I fear people but I also want to stand in my opinion, if I dislike something I will tell.. a part of me says "You must because it's survival". I've been confrontational with people but I feel exhausted and I feel horrible after that because I am also reminded of the fact that in this world I am just a small particle, with nothing to contribute, there's nothing, it doesn't matter what you say or do.. or maybe it does .. I don't know..
it's all futile. A father born a mother born and a child entering this world.. so what. This futility is absolutely painful to the point I can't handle my mind.
I just can't
Well it never mattered
Shankara,
I can't count the times I've said "I hate people" also. A favorite movie line comes from the first Men In Black movie. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones keep bringing aliens to the night time morgue, where the young lady who does autopsies keep saying "I hate the living." HA HA HA. I've used that line many times.
It comes and goes. I hate people for a while, then I don't for a while. That's my pendulum swing as I deal with my traumas.
I don't think what you are doing is ego talk. I think it's healthy to share your thoughts with people who are safe to share with.
My oldest friend, a man I went to high school with, just told me that his daughter in law was diagnosed with CPTSD and he doesn't know anything about it and asked me for advice. I gave him the name of Pete Walker's book as a starting place. he and his wife are both very good parents and very good grandparents, but both had very bad childhoods themselves. But he himself doesn't struggle as much as his wife does. I've known her for over 40 years, and I know her story. He asked if I have any thoughts on why he doesn't struggle today with trauma triggers as much as they do, and it hit me. His mom was a narcissist too, but she always liked him. His wife's mom had schizophrenia and treated his wife like she hated her as a child. His DIL's mom also treated her daughter like she was unwanted. It hit me to tell my friend, "The bottom line is that people with triggerable Complex PTSD usually started out life feeling unwanted." I learned as I said it. He was treated pretty rough but his mom never made him feel unwanted.
I felt like I was a problem for the family. That I was only wanted when I behaved how they wanted me to behave. So I grew up with a bad fawning problem. I learned that I'm ONLY welcome on the earth if I'm giving away what's mine to other people. They are wanted. I'm not. Feeling unwanted on earth seems to be embedded pretty deeply into the core of my daily triggers.
Well, here, on this forum, I feel like we are all wanted by each other. We like sharing and we like it when others share openly with us.
So, Shankara, let me just say that I like reading what you write. I don't think it's ego. I think it's your soul reaching out to other souls. And you reach out from the comfort level that is comfortable to you. No more and no less. I hope you always feel it's okay to say as little or as much as you darn well want to on this forum. Especially here in the journals section, as long as we follow the rules about not being too political, too religious, or cruel to anyone else, this is our section of the forum to write as much or as little as we want.