Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: Sceal on April 17, 2018, 03:41:21 PM

Title: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 17, 2018, 03:41:21 PM
I wrote yesterday that I'm taking a break from the forum, yet I find myself starting a new journal. I might still be on a break, or atleast a half-break. I find myself so worn out everytime I log in and start reading. It's affecting me, yet I want to stay. Perhaps just smaller bites? We'll see.

I think it is time to start a new journal - the other one... I don't know. I just don't like it anymore. I can't promise that this journal will be better, by that I mean, that I will feel it better represents the true me. (Although, that is a scary concept to write about online).
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 17, 2018, 03:48:40 PM
I saw my GP today, I needed her to write a doctor's slip for an application I'm sending in. She was very excited about my application, and we talked a bit about that. She jumped the gun quite quickly and assumed that I will be accepted. I hope she's right. It would mean alot, and it would give me some purpose that belongs to me - not everyone else.
I wasn't quite sure what the doctor's slip needed to say, and I told her so. I couldn't remember what they'd told me needed to be in it, since they'd been quite vague about it. But I told my GP she could confirm my diagnosis atleast, that I got PTSD (That's usually how people talk about it here), and she asked me "It's complex PTSD correct?". And it made me feel so lucky and I thought about all the people in this forum who aren't as fortunate as I am to have both my GP and my psychologist acknowledging that I got cPTSD and that is what they write everytime they need to write about my diagnosis. And it also made me happy, because then there are at least two professionals that recognize that cPTSD is a thing. A thing of it's own. A thing that needs to be acknowledged and recognized. And two more professionals in the world is a start. And I am guessing then too, that the other doctors and therapists they work with may have strong inclinations to agree too.
My GP and my T has never met or talked to each other about me and my case. They don't come from the same circle and works in two different regions of the city.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 18, 2018, 11:42:48 AM
 :applause: :applause: :applause:

:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 18, 2018, 05:42:32 PM
 :hug:

During group today I kept having a mixed up flashback, it was weird. It was like my brain wouldn't accept it happening - so I kept fading out from it, but it kept forcing me to re-watch it and so it went in circles. And the group leader I sit next to trying to get me back into focus. I still couldn't emotionally feel anything. I lost the sensation in most of my body too, but once I could more or less focus on the group leader she took me out of the room and I could tell I was hyperventilating and my arm was shaking. I can't say it was a bad experience, because emotionally I didn't feel anything. It is peculiar to me how my body can have a panic attack trapped in a freeze mode, when I can't emotionally connect with the experience. How does this even make sense? I wouldn't say it was unpleasant having to re-experience my visual flashback of my last r.
It is also starting to bother me this disconnect I have. I don't really experience much in this state. I just exist. I can't quite describe it properly.
I am seeing my T tomorrow, I think we're going to continue talking about dissociation. I'll try to bring up this lack of emotion state with her and how to re-connect.
The group leaders talked to me after group again, they do this on a regular basis. I haven't noticed them doing it with any of the others. Anyway, they said they will try and get this  tool for me next session, one that helps me stay more present. I said I don't have alot of time left in the group, so they shouldn't stress too much on my behalf. To which they both replied that they would love for me to be present during the time I do got left. I told them it's a shame I fade out so much, because I think I've lost a lot of what we're going through. But there are other people in queue waiting for a spot - it's time to let them have it.

But, the rest of the day was good - and taxing! I had been invited to the first BBQ of the year at my friends place. And I drove up to them, the man of the house is home on paternity leave with twins. And I helped out until it was their bedtime. I'm not a big fan of children, but those babies are all smiles and laughter and wants to cuddle and get hugs and play with me. And their parents are so apprechiative of me helping out. And it is nice to feel wanted. It really, really is. It is worth every exhausted moment.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 19, 2018, 02:58:17 AM
I relate to that body mind disconnect. It happened to me many times before. I'd be crying deeply, but I'd have no horror towards the situation. Just a sense that it's not real, and it's not something out of the ordinary. Weird. I guess to me it makes sense not in the way that we're perfect machines, but as human beings who've endured too much, have ended up this way.

I'm happy to hear you had a great time at a friend's place. Man, BBQ? I love my delicious meat!  :whistling: Oh, and I bet the people were great too. Haha. But seriously, it's a great thing to be wanted. To be treasured, and to belong in something. Crazy how much of the great things in life are the simplest, huh?

:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 19, 2018, 06:56:22 AM
Thank you Rocket :) The family has named me one of the twins aunties, even if I'm not one by blood. I think it's because I've helped out a bit during daytime when both parents have been on their paternity or maternity leave.
---
TW: R and abuse in a nightmare.
I woke up crying this morning. I had some awful dreams. The first time I woke up was because I dreamt my roomie were moving away, to another country. And it was sad I wasn't going to see him again. I got up and gave him a hug before I went back to bed. When I fell asleep again the dream got worse. I dreamt that I got r in public, and that I tried to fight my way afterwards to get justice and support. But my body was so weak, all strength gave away. My roomie was in this dream too, but he wouldn't listen. And I got angry, and threw stuff at him. Toothpaste and paper and random things in the middle of the mall. But my legs dissapeared under me, the anger was draining me for strength. I was loosing my voice. Until I was just lying in a heap on the floor. That's when some random vicious lady came over to me and was anything but nice, she was quite abusive. This is when I woke up crying. Her words, and my complete lack of strength to do any resistance.

(Edit: removed some of the description. It's relevant for me, but might be too much for others here)
End of TW

I don't do dream analysis, simply because my dreams are almost always vivid, clear and chaotic. They are sometimes disturbing, sometimes just regular crazy dream-world. And I remember most of them when I wake up. It's always been like that. Me waking up crying though, that doesn't happen often. I'm a little worried that once my emotions comes rushing back in, it's sadness that will overshadow everything. Even though it's frustrating as * to not feel much of anything, to be so disconnected, I do not want to be overwhelmed by constant emotions either. I've heard that once I've worked through the trauma I will hopefully and eventually have a more balanced relationship with emotions.
I just have to be patient, do the work, and trust my T and SA center. And... not give up.

I'm not very good at giving up long term. Maybe for a few days, or a week. It's not really giving up either, it's more just taking a break-a breather.  I'm starting to ramble. I intended my posts to be shorter. I'll work on that.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 19, 2018, 07:09:59 AM
Hi Sceal,
Gentle  :hug: to you, your nightmare/night terror sounds horrible.  I hope you feel ok today - and have been able to feel safer in the light of day. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 19, 2018, 01:26:42 PM
Hi Hope,
Thank you! It helped writing it down here, and listening to some music before my session with my T.  :hug:

---
Talked about the lack of emotion today. The lack of connection. My T thinks that it is a tool that I had to teach myself once, and perhaps repeatedly used. That removing myself from the emotions was a way to survive when I couldn't otherwise escape. She spent the entire session today trying to convince me that it was a smart tool to have, especially if I in the future are able to control it to flick it on and off when I need to. I understand her logic, her thinking. It took a while, I had some reservations. Some doubts, and they are still there to a lesser degree.
My homework until next week is to try and find out if I can thank myself for having built up this defence mechanism when I needed it. And maybe by acknowledging it and giving myself gratitude it might be the first step to snap out of it.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 20, 2018, 10:13:36 AM
Maybe it's a combination of a very long and exhausting week, or because not being in contact with my emotions are exhaustive work even if it's not something I control. And maybe in combination with therapy yesterday..

But I am sad today. That kind of heavy sadness that engulfes my entire body. Fills it out. It's not overwhelming. I'm not crying, I'm not curled up in the bed. It is tolreable, but that doesn't make it any less painful. On a scale from 1-5, I'd put it on a 2 in intensity. But sometimes it isn't about the intensity, it's the fact it's there. And having been without connections to any emotions for over a month this... this is something. I don't know if I like the fact it's here today. I can already sense my mind working hard to overwrite this.

Maybe it's here today, because I decided that today was for me. I don't have any appointments. I don't have any social engagements. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I don't have to put on a mask. I can rest. Maybe that's why.

And maybe, it doesn't matter why, it's okay that it just is.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 20, 2018, 10:15:29 AM
I've never told anyone this, but quite often I daydream about being somewhere silent with someone I trust (I don't know who this person is), where I'm just crying, weeping, sobbing, shaking, wailing  - okay, maybe not wailing. And this someone is just there with me, for me. Not trying to make it better, not saying things like "it'll get better". Just... helping me acknowledging the grief, the anger, the sadness, the fear, everything we have to keep carry on inside of us all the time. It's a sad daydream. It's not about winning loads of money and travelling the world, or buying my own home. Or about finding true love. Or getting an amazing career. It's not a positive daydream - but it's one about connection and allowing myself to acknowledge all the horrible things that were done to me, that were taken from me. To acknowledge that it was infact wrong, an injustice, a voilation.

I don't see how this is ever going to be possible. But sometimes I just have a smaller daydream. That someone will just hold my hand when I need it. Just hold my hand and caress it, and just sit with me. Imagining it happening doesn't help, I need the physical touch. I long for it. Yet, I don't know how to ask for it.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 20, 2018, 10:17:25 AM
Sure, I'll sit with you now, Sceal. I'm not physically present with you, but I hope I can at least help create that image for you, alright?

:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2018, 03:30:43 PM
virtually holding your hand, sweetie.  just letting you be you.

i actually saw it as very positive, something that would help you, benefit you, to get that kind of acceptance, support, caring, comforting, soothing - very positive.  you haven't had it, so it seems to me to be exactly what you'd need to continue on.  i do hope you find it soon.

horrible nightmare to go thru.  sending earth mother spirit to wrap and embrace you in her voluminous skirts, holding you, allowing your tears, emotions, feelings, thoughts, all of it, to run out of you till they're no long a bother.  love and a big hug, sceal.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 21, 2018, 12:31:54 PM
Thank you both.
Unfortunately this is a thing that I am unable to ask for. Both because it would mean I would put a demand or expectation on someone, as well as I don't have anyone to ask this of in my life.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 21, 2018, 03:12:53 PM
Had a night with poor sleep. Restless dreams, waking up a few times and feeling sore and worn out when I finally got up. Spent the day with the twins again. They got a cold and a fever, hopefully my immune system won't be compromised.

I am exhausted.

The silence at home is nice. I'm home alone. No music, no traffic, no-one visiting the landlord. Just quiet.

I have questions I need to think about and write down before Tuesday. I go to the hospital then for a full day with information gathering for the future surgery. I haven't prepared any. It makes me shameful to think about it all. But I need to do it. I am just so exhausted.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 21, 2018, 07:20:32 PM
it's no wonder you're exhausted - your mind has been doing loop-de-loops for a few nights.  that's always tiring.

i hope you will soon be able to drop that shame off in the nearest garbage disposal. 

be gentle with yourself, ok?  love and a gentle, caring hug.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 22, 2018, 05:25:30 PM
I will try, San. But I am finding it difficult to do. To be kind, that is. To me.
---
I am house and dog sitting this week. The dogs love me, the house is huge. I've been looking forward to ordering pizza.
So I ordered a pizza, but now - I feel bad about it. This body disgusts me, more than usual. I think it might be a result that I'm going to the hospital in two days to talk about weight, food, and surgery. I think perhaps I'm a little stressed - and instead of freaking out I'm being disgusted by myself instead.

I see this body, and I feel it. And it disgusts me. My apetite has diminished alot the past two weeks, and I struggle with eating. I'm just not hungry, and nothing is really tempting. All I imagine when I see food is being bloated and gaining more and more weight. Being shamed, disgusted by others, and - well... Here we are. But this pizza... Why on earth did I order it? And why did I order a large one? I have to pretend when they come to deliver that I'm not home alone. Somehow.
I suppose it's shame too.

But mainly, it's thought-driven. Not emotional driven, or rather.. The disconnect is back. It came back the same day as the sadness was visiting for a few hours.

Wore me out writing this.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 22, 2018, 09:08:09 PM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 22, 2018, 09:44:01 PM
There is a post I wish I could write. About the thoughts that I have right now.
But I can't. I wrote the post two times, and edited. But, it's too much information - and quite frankly.. I'm afraid of the replies I'd get.
So I can't write it.

But I am ashamed and disgusted. And I am concerned for the coming week and the increase in self-hatred.  I fear the triggers on Tuesday might lead to SI. Not badly, but any SI at this point would be bad. I've worked so hard to stop. So it would be a set back.

I guess the disconnect isn't fully in place at the moment.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 22, 2018, 09:44:44 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on April 22, 2018, 09:08:09 PM
:hug: :hug:

Perfect timing, Blueberry! I really, really needed some hugs right now!  :bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 24, 2018, 04:07:06 AM
I'm stressing.
I even started chatting with an eating-disorder help line yesterday. But I don't feel there was much help to it. It's a little dissapointing. It was like she was writing off a script. But I guess, she's just  a random help-line person. Not a professional. (potentially). Perhaps my expectations were too high.

Going to the hospital in 25 minutes. Or well, I have to drive for almost two hours to get there. And it's early in the morning for me. I did eat 1 1/2 slice of bread. I don't think it'll be enough.. But I literally can't push more food down my throat. I'm struggling just with the thought. Luckily I have a friend coming with me. He'll probably be driving us back as this will be exhaustive and I'm pretty sure I'll be dissociative.

Breathe in.... Breathe out!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 24, 2018, 04:17:29 AM
Breathe in and out. . . what a wonderful way to pause through hardship.  :thumbup:

:hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 24, 2018, 08:04:53 PM
 :hug:

---
It's been an incredible long, intense day. So much information, so many people. So many questions. So many assumptions.
And SO MUCH SOCIALIZING! I was social from 06.15 in the morning til 18.30 in the evening. And 30 minutes after I was finally alone my phone started ringing, and my computer started buzzing with messages from four other unrelated various people.
I wasn't able to say "I'm worn out today, can we talk tomorrow?" - probably because a) boundaries are very difficult and b) I care for them all and c) tomorrow is going to be long and hard too.

So what did I do? I comfort ate. Ice-cream. I shouldn't have milk products, but I couldn't stop. It's not that I was emotional, just so incredible worn out and done for. And I had 0 ability to resist my urges.

I'm in my childhood home this week. Alone, house sitting. It's wonderful to be so close to nature again. To hear the rain pour down and slam into the glass. It's soothing. It's dark here, no noise. No people (except for today), and it's safe. Most people don't know I'm here. And they don't know where here is either. So I'm safe.

But I'm sleeping poorly as "#%. Laundry's done. It's fianlly time to atleast doze off.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on April 24, 2018, 08:21:31 PM
 :hug: :hug:

I tend to comfort-eat when exhausted too. Not useful, but often I lack the will-power in that situation to stop and feel what I really need.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 25, 2018, 12:47:15 PM
I know how that is, Blueberry.
It's an urge I've been fighitng non-stop the past few days - on top of everything else it's exhaustive.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 25, 2018, 06:26:51 PM
my dearest sceal, more hugs to you  :hug:  :hug:  :hug: while you're in the midst of this.  i've done more than my fair share of stress eating in my life, so i totally relate.  ice cream has always been a biggie, too.

you're going thru such a tough time right now, looking at an unknown future, how it's going to play out.  it think it's positively normal to be stressed about that.  breathe in, breathe out.  i always think of wife2 when thinking about breathing.  it really can be so helpful, even if simplistic.

you're doing ok.  kudos to you for calling that helpline, even if it wasn't so very productive for you.  is there a nurse or some kind of advocate connected to this type of surgery you could call?  i was given the number of a medical psychologist last year who specializes in helping people when they're having a rough time dealing with med. procedures.  maybe your doc's office has someone like that you could call?

take it easy on yourself - all those feelings you've spoken about are totally warranted.  i hope you can get some of them out of you in a safe way.  you don't need to turn them on yourself in a neg. way.  been there, done that, and it didn't help, just made me feel worse.

sending a warm loving hug to you, sweetie, full of care, comfort, and acceptance.  i will love your body for you for the fact that it allows you to get to where you need to go, to post here both for yourself and to help/support others, and because it's held a lot of abuse and trauma for you when you needed a place for it to go.  as you continue to make progress, it won't have to be that kind of receptacle anymore, and i'll love it then as well. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 26, 2018, 11:19:25 AM
Sceal, I like the rain too. I often hear that sunny days is what makes people smile, but I've often found peace in the coming and goings of the quiet pitter platter of the rain. Strange how the simple things can be the most calming, huh? It's predictable, unlike much of the unpredictability of life. It's simple to take a part in, and about everyone can take part in hearing the softness of the rain.

I hope you can be less hard of yourself with your stress eating. While I don't do it as much, I've had times where I stress eat too. And even more than that, I have times where I fall back to unhealthy coping skills too.

I remember in a book I read that talked about people captive in a prison during the war, that most survivors whose sanity were intact long after had some kind of groundedness with the world. A proof that a world existed outside their prison. Maybe it could be an airplane swooshing by. Maybe it could be guards simply chatting about the daily work.

Maybe for you it's the rain, and I hope the rain would be kind to you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 26, 2018, 08:23:50 PM
Thank you both. Your support means alot to me.  :hug:

---
I called my T yesterday, and I mentioned that I feel so alone with all of this. I can't connect with my friends at this level, I can't tell them why I'm struggling. Why I'm in grief. I can't tell them, because it's dangerous.
My T was incredible kind, comforting and supportive today. And in a way that is dangerous too, because she will one day leave me. And then I will stand on my own.  I haven't talked about that with her yet, because I fear that once I breach that subject I must be ready that she will sooner rather than later break this relation off in order to protect me from getting too attached or too dependent. Which would be the right thing of her to do, but it would still leave me on my own - without other network that I can connect with and talk with.

I wish I could remember all that she told me today. It was important. I needed to hear what she said. I needed to talk, and I needed to cry. I didn't, but I was close.

I talked to my SA lady later in the day. We talked about my dependency on health care professionals. I've talked about that before.  I know it is a thing, I know I am dependent. I know it also prevents me from connecting with others, learning to have the hard conversations with them. Because I got my doctors or therapists or nurses (it varies from period to period), and when they leave I know it's not because of me - but external causes. When a friend leave... it is because of me. And I don't deal very well with that.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on April 27, 2018, 05:57:27 PM
 :hug: to you Sceal. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 27, 2018, 09:46:32 PM
 :hug: to you too, Hope

I am out of town on family business. I am the only representative from my part of this side of the family. I was nervous about going, but I felt Obligated to go. Now that I am here, it's pretty nice.
Their family dynamic is so natural and full of jokes and teasing in a loving manner. It's so wonderful to see. I feel at ease.
My aunt asked me why I'm in treatment and I told her due to PTSD. She asked why, and I answered r*. I'm baffled that it came out of me. I asked her not to tell other family members, because it'll come back to my mother. She respected that, and we were interrupted by other people.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 30, 2018, 06:31:06 AM
Back from my family trip. I extended it a day. I intended to extend it longer, but - I have my appointment with my T tomorrow, and I also got sick with throat-infection.
It was a very good experience going down there. I felt so welcome, so wanted. Their family dynamic is very different than mine. It's interessting to watch. I like it. I'm invited back down again, I said I'd come down once they finish their exams - so not to disturb during that time.

I feel better. I hope it lasts.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on April 30, 2018, 06:52:42 PM
I'm going to mainly be monitoring the forum this week, helping out a little bit extra. So I might not post so much on my own, but before I get started on that.. I have to write out some thoughts.

Two topics today - it'll be long today:

1. Family:
As i've mentioned, I went away this week-end on a family thing. I went alone to a different city to celebrate my youngest cousin. Originally I wasn't very excited to go, I felt obligated and the timing was poor (though it turned out to be perfect). I was so exhausted last week, all the things that has been going on. But the drive down was really beautiful, the landscape was so varied. And I was listening to a podcast called «Grown-ups read things they wrote as kids», which was very nice. It made me feel like I wasn't weird and alone. That we're all just the same, it just comes out in various expressive ways. It made me think of the younger me, and how brave those people who stood on a stage infront of strangers and read out loud their most private thoughts from their childhood.  I really recommend it.
When I got there, I was greeted really warmly by my uncle, aunt and the three kids. I talked mostly with the eldest one, she's closest to me in age. And we talked alot about art. And it was so inspiring. It was healing in a way, and now I'm back home with more vigour and intent of doing more digital art. Which I haven't done in a very long time (years).

2. Therapy:
I felt pretty good when I went to my session today. I felt pretty decent afterwards too. We were both fumbling a little in the memory darkness. Eventhough it's less than a week since I saw her last (thursday), neither of us could quite remember what we had talked about. For me I had to dig deep to remember things, and even then it was elusive. For her, she was worried she was mixing up my session with others and didn't say too much, for fear of saying things that wasn't about me. But we figured out the essential. That we talked about loneliness and how many of my emotions are grounded in the past and not the present. They weren't recognized in the past – by others or by me, so they are still affecting me, and I'm using them as protective shields eventhough they no longer are needed. I'm still processing this line of thought, trying to make sense of it. I understand it, but I don't fully grasp it. I can't divide it up to when I'm feeling something because something happened now, or if it's a ghost from the past.
We also talked about dissociation, or rather what happens when I fade out. What happens right before, and during. I tried to explain to her my experiences, but I'm not sure I did it justice. I also forgot to ask her if it was a normal thing for dissociation. I don't know, maybe it doesn't matter. I just like cataloguing things.
She wants me to try and work on figuring out what my triggers are, what happened right before – what I can remember atleast. It'll be difficult, but I'll give it a proper try. I gave her an example from group, when the interperters stand up and walk to stand behind me, (because we're using the board on the wall and we all have to turn somewhat) I tend to bark at them that they can't stand behind me. Because I get scared, and then I get so overwhelmed by shame that I disrupted the group, I made things difficult for the interperter and the one needing her, and I sat a boundary when I shouldn't have – I just fade out. I fade out deeply each time this happens. So my T thinks maybe I need to work on my boundaries too, she asks me on a scale from 1-10, how high is the score of uncomfortableness before I set boundaries. I told her around 8-9. She said that was too high. I suspect she's right, but it's hard to do anything about it. Because I believe I don't deserve to set boundaries. I'm not worthy to set boundaries. And sometimes it increases the risk of conflict, and I will accept alot of crap before I put my foot down to avoid conflict.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 01, 2018, 11:11:36 AM
A month before the surgery I will have to go on a diet. Although it might be another year til the actual surgery, I thought I'd try out this new diet. Modify it a little bit, because it is very little food. It's so I lose alot of weight in a short amount of time, so the surgeon has more room to maneouver.  I figured I'd try it out, and also it wouldn't hurt lose a little weight. - I hope this helps.

I've modified the diet a little. I'm eating a bit more for dinner than it says it should. It says 1-2 spoons of rice and 120g of chicken, and unlimited amount of veggies.  I'm increasing both the amount of chicken and the amount of rice. But keeping everything else from the other meals. Yesterday went really well, I didn't really struggle with hunger - eventhough I ate less during breakfast and lunch than I should have. But today I'm struggling. I'm hungry after 1.5 hour.
I'm going to try and drink some tea and water, and maybe eat some vegetables. Dinner is still 3 hours away - it'll be challenging.
But hopefully I'll be proud to get through this the first few days of adjustment. And the right kind of proud - not the one that leads to a stronger case of eating disorder.

Otherwise, I don't feel so good today. My motivation is gone, and I don't really feel like doing anything. I also have a throat infection - might be affecting my general will to do anything.  I've read and posted alot of posts here today - but now I'll need an extended break. I'll check in later
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 01, 2018, 12:39:36 PM
Sceal - I hope you get a nice rest now, and that you feel better later.  Be kind to yourself.   :hug: to you and wishing you the best with your diet - hope it goes well. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 01, 2018, 02:25:45 PM
Thank you Hope :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 01, 2018, 04:01:25 PM
darling sceal, best to you with your new way of eating.  i have to admit that once i began eating more veggies, my body calls out for them now if i go too long without.  weird how our systems make those changes and let us know about it.

that idea of what rate of tolerance do we get to before asserting boundaries struck a chord with me.  i do believe that for most of my life my rate was also much too high before i said 'stop', so to speak.  many times, too, i wasn't even aware until i exploded - i'd just tolerate and tolerate till, like a pressure cooker, it came out without any sense of regulation.  very all or nothing kind of thing.

i, too, believed that i 'should' tolerate, that it was my job, more or less, in order that others stay comfortable.  my comfort had no meaning for me.  just wasn't a thing.  it's taken quite a while to believe otherwise.  hopefully you'll get there sooner rather than later.  you do deserve to be comfortable, to have things remain in a healthy comfort zone for you.  yes, you really do, no matter how you think otherwise.  we all do, and you're one of us.

love and hugs, sweetie. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 02, 2018, 07:24:39 AM
I used the analogy with my T about headaches and painkillers.
That when a headache starts to creep up on you, you tend to wait with the painkiller. Because the pain isn't bad enough yet, it might just fade away.  You can't take pain killers for everything. But by the time you end up taking the painkiller it's too late, the effect of the pill will be diminished because the pain is too great.
And it's like that with boundaries for me too. I take too long before I set them, because it might not be a big enough boundary that was crossed. Might not have been important enough, because after all... I should be able to deal with somethings without making a big deal about it right?

My T said that was a really good analogy. And that it's time to learn to take the painkiller early on. Although this gives me another problem, I need to acknowledge the pain before it's too much to handle.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 02, 2018, 10:41:17 PM
good thinking.  being in and out of doc's offices for so many years, i've heard that told to me over and over - take the painkiller before the pain gets too great.  that's how it works best, and keeps you as comfortable as possible.  that's why they'd put me on a schedule - say, every 8 hours - to enable the painkillers to continue to jump in on a regular basis.

so, how to determine when your pain warrants a boundary/painkiller?  that can be tough, especially if we are able to see it more clearly for others than ourselves.  if we've been raised with unrealistic expectations of ourselves, it can be difficult to look objectively at what is realistic.  if you could look at yourself as if looking at someone else and being able to determine when it's time to set that boundary, maybe you could then turn it back to yourself and begin to practice. 

i do believe it will take practice, that it won't turn around all at once.  maybe some mindfulness might help.  look at what was happening the last time you didn't put a boundary out in time, what was going on, what was your level of pain, and how could your recognized that level as even 1 point lower?

some random thoughts, sceal.  i wish you all the best with this.  i've had many, many years of not setting appropriate boundaries for myself, for a lot of different reasons.  sometimes looking at the reasons and working through those can be helpful as well.  it's a tough one, no doubt.  my very best to you with this, sceal.  it'll come about eventually, of that i have no doubt.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 03, 2018, 01:12:12 PM
 :bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 03, 2018, 09:05:55 PM
It's a good suggestion, San. To try and see it from someone elses perspective.
I had another conversation today about this topic, the complexities of boundaries. With my SA-lady. And maybe, the first step for me is to analyze situations afterwards. And I mean recent ones, past few weeks or so. Because I can't remember the intensity for much further back than that.
Although, I do remember some of them. The whole incident with my tent-stealing-friend for example.

I feel there are many thoughts on this topic I need to write down and figure out. And I think for once I need to do this in an actual journal, in my own tongue. See if that will help me find some order to this chaos - or atleast a beginning to figuring it out.

I did something good for the planet today. I went out with my sister and picked up plastic and other trash lying around in nature. We picked an area with loads of nature, but also where traffic passes through. It had a wide, but rarely used sidewalk. We picked up four big plastic trash bags (you know, the same size as black plastic bags) full of trash left, tossed and dumped in nature. It's pretty awful to think about how much waste humans leave behind, and just throw away because it's "inconvenient" to take it home and toss it in the actual trash. Makes me sad for our planet, and for the spirits of the forests as well as the animals who get curled up in it, or digests it all. Just horrible!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 04, 2018, 12:29:09 AM
i think that tent incident would be a great place to start.  it's recent, you wrote about it, and it's probably pretty fresh in your mind yet.  i also agree with writing it down on paper - i find that to be extremely helpful when i need clarity and concreteness.  possibly, it could be a foundation for looking at other situations in the future.

wow -  :applause: :applause: to you and your sister.  our wonderful planet certainly needs more people like you two.  that is so very cool that you did that.  thank you and much gratitude from the earth and its inhabitants.

keep going, sceal.  i think you're doing wonderfully.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 04, 2018, 07:22:10 PM
I remember the incident, and somewhat the effect it had on me. And I recall what it cost me. But I don't remember the level of uncomfortableness. I suspect it was too high, that it was more a 9.5. But I can't say for sure. I can analyze it though.

But I did set a boundary for myself today. I went out this morning to my friends house and his twins. Usually I hang out there until quite late in the day, because I know he apprechiates the extra help, and the kids makes me feel good. But today I was just exhausted. So I left early, much earlier than I have in the past. I both wanted to stay, and both to go back home and sleep. I was just drained. So I went home. I think my level of uncomfortableness might have been a 7? Not because of my friend, but because I was getting work out and really quickly - and I was pushing myself to be social, be playful and be present - all the while I wasn't really able to. I think this is progress - perhaps because it's a safe zone, and because I am working hard with this right now.

I think part of me being drained, is because the kids aren't even 1 year old - and they will be a painful reminder for quite some time to come that I will not become a mother myself. I try very hard not to think about that, but it hurts.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 04, 2018, 11:30:34 PM
i think it's progress, too, especially the fact that you were able to notice it and put it on the scale.  7 is quite a bit different than 9.5.   well done, sceal. 

love and hugs to you.  glad you went home to rest.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 05, 2018, 06:56:34 AM
 :hug: thank you
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 05, 2018, 07:54:09 AM
I feel off today. Like the past week where things have gone just fine, and I've dealt with things in a positive way instead of a destructive manner has been a bit too much.
I ache all over. Even the muscles in my face ache. Was supposed to go to the gym today, and I'm sure it would have done me good. But I'm just... too worn out.
I suspect the lack of energy also has something to do with the small amount of food I've eaten this week. I've kept it to 4 meals everyday - which is quite a feat in and of it's own. The feeling of hunger is back - although I'm now hungry most of the time. I've cut my breakfast and lunch in half, each of those meals are probably less than 200 kcal now. My dinner is smaller than it was before, but bigger than the regiment says it should be. I figured I shouldn't go all in just yet. It's just a trial run.
I feel weak though, as I am writing this. So I think I'll go watch some TV and have a cup of tea.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 05, 2018, 10:25:01 PM
Left the apartment today, get some fresh air and socialize with a friend. Had coffee and talked for hours. At one point he said "Sceal, do you know how many times you've told me this today?"  I was talking about setting boundaries for my self, and I thought it was the first time I'd brought it up... It was the third. Third! I have no memory of that. None. I thought I had been present all the time.
What else have I talked about that I otherwise wouldn't have said?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 06, 2018, 10:47:35 AM
Sorry that you've forgotten some important things you've said recently. I've forgotten a lot these past few days too, but I remember you and I'm here.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 06, 2018, 10:57:12 AM
Thanks Rocket.  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 07, 2018, 05:16:38 PM
I'm still concerned about not being aware that I faded out. I was so sure I was present. There's nothing I can do about that now.

I've worked more in my physical journal - gotten down some thoughts on two different topics to clear my head. Trying to put my emotions aside when writing in that journal, just observing and exploring. So far it's been good.

On Wednesday I have my last day in DBT-group therapy. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't want to quit. I've been through it all, twice. But I tend to use more time to incorporate something into my life, I don't have a network that I can rely on that will help me continue with DBT skills at home, and afterwards. It'll be all up to me - and I am the kind of person who right now needs a push. I need an incentive to do something, I need to show what I've done and get feedback on it. Even if it is for my own good, it's not a good habit - I know. It causes me alot of frustration, but it's not the right time for me at the moment to start working on it. Besides not being held accountable, I also can't ask the group leaders for advice and support during the week. Perhaps they will be glad to be rid of me, I've needed a bit of coddling. And I will also lose the only constant structure I've had in my week for the past year.
I wish I would say I'd utilize my time better, but I wont. I'll end up watching more mindless TV, I don't even enjoy it.

Another thing is that I'm waiting for a phonecall from the well-fare people. He was supposed to call me at 11.30 today, then after 12.00... and then "soon".  I hope soon will be tomorrow morning, first thing. And not while I'm at my session with my T. I'm a little annoyed at him for not keeping what he's saying he will do. Not good to build up a trusting relationship with him.
I fear what he will say - and what he will conclude of me. I'm not ready to head back to work, but I'm not able to be a bad employee - other than calling in sick. I am terrified of conflict - and calling in sick too much would mean I might be called into the carpet. And I don't know how I'd handle that.
I'm near tears just thinking of this.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 07, 2018, 09:17:12 PM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 08, 2018, 06:15:44 PM
 :hug: :hug:
--

therapy taught me today that my body is scared shitless - even if I can't feel it emotionally. It's a peculiar thought.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 08, 2018, 09:29:55 PM
The Body Keeps the Score is a very apt title I think. Our bodies store memories and emotions, even those we have no or not much access to.

:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 09, 2018, 05:26:53 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on May 08, 2018, 09:29:55 PM
The Body Keeps the Score is a very apt title I think. Our bodies store memories and emotions, even those we have no or not much access to.

:hug:

I bought and downloaded the book to my kindle last night - but i started crying so I didn't get very far
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 09, 2018, 08:17:45 AM
Hi Sceal,
:hug: to you.  It's so understandable to feel emotional in reaction to that book, and I am glad you're reading it, and hope you get a lot out of it.  Our bodies store those memories and emotions - I relate to that so much.  I want to say more to you, but I don't think I can find the right words to express it, so I'll just leave it at a hug.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 09, 2018, 04:04:26 PM
Hi Hope,
:hug: back.
I've been wondering something for a long time, but I haven't researched it. I am wondering whether once my body gets released from the trauma, and the stress that it carries all around - and the tension is reduced... Will it be easier for my body to lose weight? ( If I do everything else right with meals and excersise). Is the trauma that is bound to my body holding my physical health back in this regard? Does anyone know anything about this? Is it a folly-thought, or is there something to it?

I haven't gotten very far in the book yet - I'm just middle of chapter 2 I believe. So we'll see what I can learn from it.
--
I'm not quite sure what to say about leaving DBT. I got compliments written on notes from everyone in the group to keep with me. I cried brave tears in the bathroom during break, and was met with kindness from the group leader. Understanding that transitions that I do not choose myself is hard for me to deal with. DBT group and therapy has been my safe space for over a year now, and I'm left a little on uncertain grounds. I still have my sessions with my T which will be weekly. But I don't know for how long. I might have to start to accept the fact that she will not be the one who will help me to the finish line -because I take too long with these matters.

I freeze up too easily in therapy, I'm unable to ask my questions and to say what I'm thinking. I need help with having questions to ask, and it is really bothersome. I'm not quite sure where this is coming from. Undoubtly my T would say that it might be a behaviour that once served it's purpose for me to survive through the days of hardship and potential voilence. And maybe she's right, but it bothers me deeply that the years and years of bullying still is a problem for me. I thought that was atleast some trauma I had put behind me - but I don't think I did. I think I just resigned.
The bullying taught me that I was worth nothing, I was worth less than dog poop and compost trash. And that my needs, interests and thoughts weren't needed or important. I've struggled with this, because at the same time my teacher kept telling us daily from 1-7th grade that everyone is equal in the face of God. I wasn't raised Christian - or with any religion, but my teacher was very religious, and this meant alot to her. And in adulthood I've questioned which "truth" is the right one. Hers, or mine.

If hers are right; then abusers, molestors, terrorists, and other awful people are equal to their victims.  - And to me, that never sat right. What gave them the right to treat their victims that way? (Although, I tended to take my own "victimhood" out of this equation, and quarreled on behalf of others)
If mine was right: Then howcome did a part of me always quarrel or go a different path than everyone else seemed to go. I should have followed in their footsteps without complaint and become a lesser version of them, so I could serve them. Regardless of their treatment of me.

I realize this is very black and white thinking and that the truth is actually somewhere more grey. But for me right now, no one has even been able to convince me of a different truth.

... I am not quite sure what this had to do with me having my last day in DBT-group.. But it's what came out today, and I suspect this is an issue I need to figure out. Yet, it's so difficult alone because I'm so stuck in black and white thinking.

I think I have more things in my heart that needs to come out today, but I am running out of time. I got invited to see a theatre play today, so I need to get changed.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 09, 2018, 09:31:59 PM
"I am wondering whether once my body gets released from the trauma, and the stress that it carries all around - and the tension is reduced... Will it be easier for my body to lose weight? " I hope so! For myself too. But Idk.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 10, 2018, 11:02:25 AM
I relate to that experience as a kid with religion. How they told everyone was equal in the face of God. There's a big death penalty debate in the country and people around have been raging over the arguments for a whole year. Most people here have grown cynical with the corruption and injustices here that they're vouching for it, but for me -- well, I think it's not so black and white either.

It reminds me of utilitarianism -- happiness for the greatest number. Everyone is equal in that they're counted as a single numerical value for morality, but if there are people that take the happiness of other people on purpose -- then that's not happiness for the greatest number is it?

People talk about all kinds of complicated moral questions with answers that supposedly work in all situations, but I think it's different for each context. There are so many factors, different kinds of people, different kinds of environments, cultures, laws, and so on that can potentially make each situation complicated.

I'm pretty confused myself -- a social disability isn't helping and I often make my own moral codes too rigid-- but I'm glad you're aware of what you don't know and trying to figure out anyway. You can't figure out the answers without figuring out the questions, so I'll be sticking with you to cheer that you can make your own.

:hug:


Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 10, 2018, 07:22:29 PM
Thanks you for reading, and commenting. I'm not quite in the clear head to reply at the moment.
I've had another lousy day and decided to end it with wine. I am not much of a drinker, so it goes to the head fast.

Day has been lazy, I've not been motivated to do anything. In the lower end of tolerance window, potentially under it. Alot of flashbacks at various, random times during the day and evening. Some leaving me in tears, others just even more passive than before. I talked about my lack of ability to do anything these days with my T the other day - she said that it is most likely a result on past survival kicking in. I know this is probably not the first time I'm mentioning it. But it's taking me some time to wrap my head around it, and I think maybe she's right.
I'm just scared of making up excuses. I'm scared of being accused of being lazy.
Yesterday a friend asked me what I'll do with the extra free time now that group is over, and he phrased it in a way that implied that people who are on wellfare/disabilities have so much free time on their hands they can do whatever they want. I had to tell him I didn't choose this. He replied he know, and he wished I didn't have to go through this.
But it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Like my protective bubble has been burst again - I'm just not acceptable to other people. I'm lazy and I cheat the system because I appear highly functional when I work up the strength to actually BE social.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 11, 2018, 12:52:40 PM
Sometimes the people with invisible disabilities and illnesses take it the hardest. Usually, when someone pictures disabled or mentally ill, they imagine someone in a wheelchair or someone who's mentally unable to cope through life at all. But there are lots of more subtle disabilities that are unseen, and people may expect too much of that person in that area.

I'm sorry you feel lazy. I fully support your need to rest.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 11, 2018, 01:20:19 PM
dearest sceal,

first, take it slow with the book, won't you?  i found it quite dense with information that meant a lot to me, and still haven't been able to get thru the whole thing, tho i've had it over a year. 

second, i totally believe in the mind/body connection.  like, what we eat affects our brains which can affect our minds which can affect our emotions, perspectives, perceptions, etc.  just that simple act of eating can make all kinds of mental changes. 

i also believe that our trauma, be it emotional, physical, mental, verbal, etc. can be stored at cellular levels in our bodies, and there's no way we could be consciously aware of that.  still, that storage can cause all kinds of physical effects for us.  why couldn't it directly affect the way our bodies store nutrients, fats, proteins, and all the rest?  i don't see any reason why not.

my body has held tension to the point that i've found it extremely difficult to ever relax.  even massage has not helped because my muscles are so full of pain that even healing touch can be painful and i'll tense up at the anticipation of it.   so, at times i can mindfully relax a muscle group, but minutes later, as soon as i discover that my focus has wandered, they're all tense again.

3roses once called that being 'armored up'.  it made total sense to me.  tense in anticipation of what might come, as a way to protect myself from further abuse, even if that abuse is not in my present.  i guess i got so used to tensing up against it that my muscles basically stayed that way.  they're still that way.  rarely do i ever feel relaxed anymore.

so, could your trauma have anything to do with your weight?  i don't know why not.  perhaps it gained weight as a means of protection, and if you still feel unsafe, it stays there to try to help you.  i know that as i've continued to make progress, keep more pos. people in my life, get myself out of neg. situations, that i'm finally making better food and eating choices, and my body is responding in a pos. way as well.  it's slow going, but it's going.  it feels better.

be patient with yourself, sweetie.  this is tough stuff, but i do believe you're even tougher.  love and hugs to you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 12, 2018, 10:40:58 PM
I'll respond to you tomorrow, San.

I've had a few decent days this week. I've also had a few rough ones. I feel over-stimulated and full of so much shame. My body is constantly aching from too little physical activity (it's used to me being semi-active) and tensing up.
It's a rough game to play when one good game equals several bad ones before another decent one.  :stars:
Hopefully it'll get better if I just keep on playing
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 13, 2018, 02:15:49 PM
Dear San,

I've not gotten as far as I'd hoped in the book. I think I'm merely on chapter 5. The two chapters felt more like a self biography and not what I thought it was going to be, and I nearly put it down if it werent for a few quotes early on in the book that kept me reading. I don't mind biographies, but I need to choose to read one when I do. So far it has mostly been things I already know, from classes or from my own T. But it is interessting, it's a nice reminder and I am curious to see where the rest is going.

The book does state that trauma do make physical changes in the brain, and I suppose so you're right then that it could be alot like what we eat affects our bodies as well. Eat with variety and plenty of veggies is alot more healthier for our systems than to only fastfood.

I used to be quite frustrated with people they kept telling me I needed to relax. But not a single one of them could tell me how to relax. I think they all found it bizzarre that I had no clue on what they were talking about. Or they didn't believe me. But I honestly had no idea what or how to relax. What that would feel like, how to do it. It still takes alot for me to actually get to a relaxed state - but I am much much better at it now than I ever were before.

Trigger warning:

You write:
Quoteso, could your trauma have anything to do with your weight?  i don't know why not.  perhaps it gained weight as a means of protection, and if you still feel unsafe, it stays there to try to help you.
This is partially true. For a while I would combat eating (what I thought was) loads, to gain weight so that I would become uglier and more unnattractive so no one would want to touch me, at least of all want to R* me, and not eating at all because I desperatedly craved human affection and approval.
I also gained alot of weight when I was put on medication, that I struggled deeply and intensely with trying to get rid of-but failed. It happens each time they give me medication - which is why I say no. It's not worth it for me. It's 15-20kg up in weight in 1-2 months every single time. It's just not worth it.

Trigger warning end

Thank you for believing in me. It means alot to hear someone else believing in you to fight the fight.

Last night as I was watching Eurovision I got a few flashbacks and EF. It wasn't a good thing, but doubly not because I wasn't on my own. I was with my friends and their family. When I got home I noticed how tensed up I had become, and I'm suffering the consequences of that today. This week in particular has had an increase in muscular tension and pain. It's bearable - but it affects my mood.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 14, 2018, 12:34:15 AM
i'm with you on that tension stuff, not being able to relax.  i've experienced some relaxation sporadically, but for the most part, i think my muscles are in a consistent 'armored up' mode, as 3roses put it.  they don't know how to do anything but be on alert all the time.  i have to consciously do things like roll my shoulders back, or un-tense my back muscles.  even when i lay down to sleep, i'll find my head about 1/2 " above the pillow, and i have to willfully relax my neck so my head will sink into the pillow.  it's amazing to me.

i've found some guided relaxation stuff on youtube, and that can help but it doesn't last long.  so much of this, i believe, is from so many years of being in 'fight or flight' mode in my marriages, with my npd daughter, living in the heat of the desert, dealing with the medical profession, not being heard or understood - on and on.  over 40 yrs. worth of this crap, in these kinds of relationships.  i'm not surprised at my body's reactions anymore.

here's to learning how to relax, being able to, surrounding ourselves with non-stressful people, but rather the kind and caring type.  i do think that may be our best bet on being able to finally let go of that tension.  not necessarily easy, but i've also found that when i can laugh, when i'm around people who like to laugh, that helps a lot, too.  so, i want to laugh my way thru as much of this pain as i can.  and pooh to the rest.  love you, and a big, gentle hug that maybe will help ease some of the tension.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 14, 2018, 03:13:05 PM
Hi Sceal,
I just wanted to pop over and offer you a gentle hug  :hug: and say that I hope that you are able to release some of that tension that has built up.  I know you said you had some EF's after watching the Eurovision.  I hope you're feeling a bit better today. 
Take it easy, if you can.
I also thought that you wrote with clarity about how your weight affects you - and I admired your ability to do that, and to think about what triggers it and affects it. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 18, 2018, 03:08:06 PM
Hi San and Hope,
I forgot you had replied, I didn't mean to be rude!
Dear San, I am glad that laughter is a "medicine" you can use to help you with the Monster and perhaps makes it easier to release some tension.

Dear Hope,
Thank you! I am going to have to dare more into the debts of my mind in regards to food, workouts and body image. I'm not looking forward to the work, but I think it'll be important.
:hug: to both
---

I've been away this week. I went on a vacation with my sister abroad. It's her first trip abroad without our parents. So it was quite stressful for her.
I've never spent so much money on a vacation before. But then I haven't been on a shopping vacation before either. It's certainly challenging..finding clothes I like and them not fitting me. But luckily I actually found some and that helped my self esteem.
It was an attack on the senses though. So much sound, it was so incredibly loud ALL the time. People, cars, sirens, machines, construction work.  So I am really looking forward to coming back home and the only thing I'll hear is the rain, the birds and the next door cat talking to me.

We met up with some online friends and they laughed when I jumped 2m up in the air when the bus honked. It didn't feel good, but they don't know this about me- so it's not like I could blame them. I just pretended I didn't hear them.

Nothing noteworthy to say..it's been 4 good days, exhausting but good. Travelling far away from my past abusers tends to make my anxiety and my Monster (cPTSD) lessen dramatically.  Even if statistically I'm not safer here
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 18, 2018, 03:47:04 PM
Hi Sceal,
Welcome back from your trip, and I am glad that you managed to find some clothes, and that you coped with your trip.  You said it's been "4 good days, exhausting but good" - and glad it was good.

I missed you!   :hug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 18, 2018, 06:13:37 PM
Hi Hope,
Such a lovely welcome-back message  :hug: thank you, I've missed you too. I don't know if I've ever told you this but you remind me of Vanilla. Soft, sweet, calming and just lovely. (I often see people as a scent or taste. And sometimes colour) (I hope that wasn't too weird)

---
I have spent a lot of time at this airport today. The last 4 days has put alot of strain on my legs and knees and shoulders. They ache and are sore - even if I am sitting down.

At a point during the trip I got extremely stressed because we arrived at the wrong office for departure on a day-trip out of the city, but luckily we were fashionable early (an hour) so we had enough time to get to the right place. But being late is something that stresses me out alot and is easily a trigger for an anxiety attack. But this time I discovered something new. My mind calmed down reasonable quickly. We had a plan and we were following it. But my body didn't follow. My heart was still racing and pumping blood like crazy, I was sweating, my muscles were tensed  up and stomach had the tightly knit ball of... Something.
It was strange to notice this. Normally I don't sense the body at all.

I was thinking about this as I was sitting here reading The body keeps the score, I am at the section where he talks about befriending the body. And he is pretty much describing what my T has been doing with me in therapy since January. I might write her a letter and tell her about all of this.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 18, 2018, 08:56:49 PM
sorry for all the aches and pains after your 4 good days, sceal.  hope they don't put too much of a damper on the trip.

i'm with you on all the noise and hustle/bustle on all sides.  makes me jump, too.

it's good to get away, tho.  i'm looking forward to a little day trip next week.  just a change of scenery will be nice.

love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 19, 2018, 02:23:54 AM
I guess the body just does what it needs to sometimes. Like emotions, the body is also a signal of something it needs. A warning of needing to gently take care of yourself more, Sceal. I'm happy to hear you'll be asking for advice around it more.

Interesting. You think of people as taste or scent? Ooh! Ooh! What am I then? Sorry if this is unrelated — sometimes I get overly curious and bombard people with questions.

:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 19, 2018, 07:04:09 AM
Sceal, I absolutely love the comparison to Vanilla - such a lovely 'flavour, scent' etc, so many nice things about that - thank you!   :hug:  You made me smile.   :hug:
I hope you can enjoy some more quiet spaces now you're back from the travelling and airports, and I hope your legs, knees and shoulders feel better, and less tense very soon, as your body hopefully will relax again.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on May 19, 2018, 12:28:14 PM
Sceal,
Do you have synesthesia? Or is it more an emotional level comparison to you?

I have had that happen when my mind feels calm but my body disagrees.  I find it very confusing.  The last time it happened I wondered if it was a type of EF.

Much love to you
Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 19, 2018, 07:24:42 PM
San,
Thank you for your concern. It didn't. My sister helped me accept that it hurts and that I need breaks. So it didn't put that much of a damper, but I have a goal that next trip will be easier to walk around in.  It's good to be back to fresh air and to the "country-side".

Rocket,
unfortunatedly I don't know the english word for what you're asking, I also don't know the word in my native language for the thing itself. I just recognize the scent.

Hope,
I am happy I made you smile  :hug:

Deep Blue,
I don't know if I do have synesthesia. It used to be alot easier to recognize scents and flavours on people. But after the last few r* it's gotten alot harder. So I'm not sure if it's the trauma blocking something that normally occurs naturally to me. I haven't read up on it, Synesthesia that is. So I know very little of it and how it works.

---
I intended to go for a short walk in the sun today, it ended up being 1.5 hour. I didn't walk very fast, I'm not able to at the moment. I got too much weight to move around. There was a few lengthy uphill battles on my way home that was quite strugglesome and annoying. But I took plenty of breaks and I tried to talk to myself in a friendly voice that if I keep walking in a short time it wont be as difficult as it was today.

I've been reading alot further in The Body Keeps the Score and I got alot of thoughts that I find very disturbing. Not all of what's in the book is pertaining to me, or at least I don't think it does. And in a way, reading about the seriousness, horrible hells these people have been through - I feel like I should stop complaining and whining and just "get it together" and move on. People has had it worse, I got nothing to cry about.
I've needed validation for so many years, and I think I still do, that what I went through were not okay - and that me being ill is okay after being through not-okay stuff. But now, reading this.. I feel like I shouldn't complain.
I know that comparing my pain to what happened to others is fruitless. Yet, I do it. I compare my pain up to others. I am ashamed to admit it, I really am.
But if someone tells me it shook them to the core, or that they are having problems getting over being slapped on the * by their boss, or have some sexist remarks at work/public/etc I agree that it's not okay, but I also deep down think that it's not the same as being r* or SA. It just isn't.
This is the first time I'm voicing this out loud, and I'm terrified for the consequences of this.

This wasn't what I intended to write about at all. I inteded to write about what the book says about BPD. Maybe another time.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 19, 2018, 07:57:20 PM
NTS:
When I saw J's part of the world from the air plane window last night (without seeing his house.. just general geography) I felt a knot in my stomach and my jaw clenched up. I got filled with nervous energy.
After we had landed and were waiting for the luggage I started cold-sweating and I got stomach cramps.

I think my body was signalling something to me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 20, 2018, 12:05:11 AM
Quote from: Sceal on May 19, 2018, 07:24:42 PM
But if someone tells me it shook them to the core, or that they are having problems getting over being slapped on the * by their boss, or have some sexist remarks at work/public/etc I agree that it's not okay, but I also deep down think that it's not the same as being r* or SA. It just isn't.
This is the first time I'm voicing this out loud, and I'm terrified for the consequences of this.

Are you terrified of other members' reactions? I'm one of those who theoretically could be really upset at you voicing this. But I'm not. I would have a lot of problems getting over being slapped the place you mention by a boss or a friend or anybody else but it is because of the CSA done to me. I dissociate at the mere mention of certain words. The skin on my scalp and back is all prickly now.

We seem to tend to compare, a general trend with cptsd. Maybe it's a human trend, idk. You don't think what happened to you is as bad as some stuff mentioned in The Body Keeps the Score. Please believe me when I say it was. It was bad enough. It doesn't need to be any worse. I used to compare myself with concentration camp victims, I didn't have it so bad. It used to help me pick myself up and keep going, it doesn't any more. FOO was always comparing my 'sufferings' to those of people with 'real problems'. Maybe somebody did that to you too or to many of us on here. It's a form of invalidation. It's learned behaviour that I do to myself as well.

Anyway, as I said, I'm not upset at you voicing this. Some things are better out than in. They lose power over us when we finally express them.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 20, 2018, 08:33:51 AM
Dear Blueberry,

I should have made myself a bit more clear, but I was so tired last night when I wrote.
Yes, I am terrified of other members reactions, mostly because I'm terrified of being misunderstood. The people I poorly tried to create an example of are people who has no prior trauma in their life. No CSA, no prior abuse, neglect or otherwise. I am not saying their experience is bad and completely out of place or warranted. I just meant that it is not the same as SA or CSA - and it bothers me when they try to relate to SA/CSA victims by unwanted sexual remarks.

But I want to thank you, because you reminded me of a viewpoint I was overlooking - and I'm embarrassed to admit I did overlook it. And that is that such behaviour is an enormous trigger for people with past trauma. I myself would have been triggered too, and very few people know my past.

I feel I messed this up. I'm truly, really sorry.  :disappear:

There is a section in DBT that is about comparing. Either comparing your situation to someone elses situation being worse, or comparing your current state to a previous state. If it's a worse state then recall the progress and if it's a previous good place to remind you that you have the capacity for feeling good. I don't use this technique on purpose because I always feel worse. It triggers me, maybe not always into dissociation.
And I just did compare...  :disappear:

I'm such a fool
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 20, 2018, 10:01:00 AM
 :hug: to you Sceal, and I doubt very much that you are ever a fool - I think you are wise. 
Yes, you did make me smile the other day - and thank you so much. 
Hope I can bring a smile to your face today -  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 20, 2018, 06:33:23 PM
Hey Sceal, no reason to apologise to me or want to  :disappear:  Not from my understanding of the situation. You're not a fool! Maybe I shouldn't have written in your Journal, but I did. I actually meant to comfort you a bit, but it didn't quite work out that way. I hope you're feeling better now, I mean in general.  :hug: :hug:

I think I have a parallel situation. I get upset though don't usually say anything when people throw the word "traumatised" around. "He's going to be traumatised for life after that accident / earthquake." Actually, no, he might not be. That's not how ptsd works. It's like a fashionable diagnosis.  :aaauuugh:

I find it hard to remember all the things I should and shouldn't do with my own cptsd, what keeps me on the right road, what doesn't. It's complex. So it's somewhat relieving to hear that you forget or overlook too. The usual OOTS effect: I'm not alone in this.



Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 21, 2018, 02:20:36 PM
Thank you Hope, you did make me smile too  :hug: :hug:

Blueberry, I'll admit my immedate response was to not return to OOTS. For fear of making things more difficult and harder for the people here on the forum. You did make me see there are things I aren't aware of, and I shouldn't be so hasty to judge.
I think the book is having a larger affect on me than I first thought.

I also have words like "traumatised" and "I'm so angsty" or "I was depressed yesterday" that bothers me. I feel like correcting them that no, they aren't traumatised. It's a difficult situation. No you're not angsty, you're scared and nervous. And no, depression doesn't last for one day only.  But I never do, I'll just have it as my pet peeve and try to ignore it as much as possible I think.  :)

---
There's something going on today. I'm not sure what. I'm restless, can't seem to settle down on any one activity. I feel guilty, lazy, tired and hungry all the time. I spent some time out in the sun today, soaking up some free vitamin D, and reading the book. But ever since the sun went away from my "garden", I've been stuck inside. I inteded to go out today, but the thought of travelling with 4 buses is a bit too much. Then I thought of going for a walk, and I might still do that. But I feel guilty for not being more active. Although I suspect it's something else entirely that's goin on - I just don't know what. I'm entitled to a day of rest, I shouldn't feel guilty for eating or for taking a lazy day.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on May 21, 2018, 02:45:32 PM
Quote from: Sceal on May 21, 2018, 02:20:36 PM
Blueberry, I'll admit my immedate response was to not return to OOTS. For fear of making things more difficult and harder for the people here on the forum.

Oh my goodness! I'm really sorry about that. I obviously worded really badly. Btw I was writing as Blueberry Member not Blueberry Mod. I'll pm you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 21, 2018, 08:08:32 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on May 21, 2018, 02:45:32 PM
Quote from: Sceal on May 21, 2018, 02:20:36 PM
Blueberry, I'll admit my immedate response was to not return to OOTS. For fear of making things more difficult and harder for the people here on the forum.

Oh my goodness! I'm really sorry about that. I obviously worded really badly. Btw I was writing as Blueberry Member not Blueberry Mod. I'll pm you.

:bighug: I am all teary eyed. You did nothing wrong, I promise!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 22, 2018, 03:43:03 AM
dearest sceal, no, you're not a fool, never a fool.

that comparison stuff is so conniving, so cunning, so shrewd - i don't know how many times i've fallen into that hole even here because i haven't gone thru a lot of what others have gone thru in their past.  i've been reassured over and over that if it affects me in the present, the past counts as being traumatic, no matter what.  i'd like to share that reassurance with you.

it was bad enough or you would not be suffering today from its effects.  it was bad enough or you wouldn't be questioning if it was or not.  it was bad enough or you wouldn't feel foolish to think so.  it was bad enough or you wouldn't be here, understanding the pain and suffering of others the way you do.  it was indeed bad enough.

you belong with us, sceal, and we are here for you, not to judge you, but to stand with you as you continue battling.  we're right beside you in that battle because we recognize a sister.  we're all in this together, no matter what forms our pasts have taken.  i love you and am sending a hug full of compassion, understanding, and strength.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 22, 2018, 08:22:27 PM
 :bighug: to you San.
I love the sound of your words, but they aren't able to quite penetrate my walls yet. But I hope that by re-reading them over and over again will help. I thank you alot for your comfort. It means alot. :)

I've noticed that the last month (atleast) I've had trouble replying to people's comments in my journal, as well as in their journals and threads. It takes alot out of me. And I don't know why, but it's so hard to find the words. I want to support, and I want to listen and I want to be there for everyone. And I want to engage. But I feel I'm not able to do a very good job of it these days. I am thinking that it's a sign I have to listen to, even if I don't like it. I still have to figure out what it is trying to tell me.

Otherwise today, I've had a good day. I went and did a little self-care by going to the hairdresser. It's a little over 2 months since last time I went. Normally it's about 6 months inbetween each visit. But the last visit left me with such a positive feedback from others. I'm curious to see how the feedback will be this time. So far it's been good. But we'll see. Last time I went blonde with some red highlights and a brown base. This time I'm... well there really aren't any better word than Orange. My hair is very, bright and intensely orange. A friend told me it reminded her of The 5th Element, the movie. It made me smile - I think it's a lovely movie. Afterwards I ran into an aquintance/friend and we hung out for about an hour before she had to go and I took the bus up to my parents.
I was mostly left to entertain myself - which I did. By relaxing out in the sun looking out towards the lake, the mountains, the trees. And listening to the birds, the odd car passing by and the waves hitting the shore.
It made me a little sad, I would love to live there, or a similar place. On my own. And I fear that I will lose the home when my parents die -because I wont be able to buy my siblings out. I know it's kind of a morbid thought, and I suppose it's a weird coversation to have with your mom. But it's not the first time I've said I want the house to remain in the family.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 22, 2018, 09:55:19 PM
i absolutely love the fact that you have 5th element orange hair.  how very spectacular!  dang, that is so cool, sceal.

i don't think those are morbid thoughts.  i think they're wishes that you hope come true some day in the proper time.  i hope for you that they do.

you've written in my journal, and i could feel the caring and support coming from you.  just want to let you know it's still there, it's real, and it comes across wonderfully.  i hope you'll eventually find what's disturbing you, tho.  i would imagine it's frustrating.

keep going, you orange-haired beauty you.  you made me smile with this news.  so very cool.  love and hugs to you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 23, 2018, 08:55:57 AM
It's a surprise everytime I look in the mirror. I wonder if part of me changing my hair so often as I have is one part that I need to change something within me or my surroundings, but I just realized reading your response again that... Maybe it's my way of trying to find out who I am. As so often when I look in the mirror I don't recognize the girl looking back at me.  Food for thought.

It means alot to know that my short replies has meaning to you, and that they matter.  :hug:

I'm waiting for my appointment with my SA lady and I continue reading the book. And he just talked about a girl who had been abandoned by her family after she was diagnosed with epilepsy at age of 5 and she as adult tried to take her life. And he writes about the importance of connection the inner experience with the public story you tell yourself. And I realized.. I've been wanting to do that too.. but no one has asked the right questions that will allow me to figure it out. And I can't ask them to ask, because I don't know which questions are the right ones..
Did this make sense?

I also just realized that I've realised alot lately. This book is highly recommended. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 23, 2018, 09:37:13 AM
Hi Sceal,
Lovely to hear you have a new hair colour and I bet you look great! 

Just wanted to say that I'm glad you're enjoying that book and finding it helpful - I also read it in the past and thought it was so good.  I hope your session with your SA lady goes well - and sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 23, 2018, 09:18:12 PM
Hi Hope! I laugh everytime I look in the mirror now, it's funny! :)

The SA lady was very kind and nice today. We are going to talk more about the deeper things from now on. So that is a little scary, but also good.

I have had a good day today. There's been sun, relaxing, therapeutic conversation, I've been to the gym, had dinner with a friend and went on a guided walk with a different friend. My legs are worn out.

Loads of good things! But there was one creepy thing too that I need to get off my chest. At the guided tour someone from my past had also bought a ticket and was attending. She is the sister of my abusive ex, and she really did not like me. I'm not sure what I ever did to her, but I don't think she liked alot of people at that time of her life. And she was there with what looked like her boyfriend or partner. It gave me a warm, jucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. But since there was nothing I could do I decided to pay very good attention to the guide or to my friends that I was there with.  But the boyfriend kept staring at me. I was thinking I was being paranoid so I checked with my closest friend there and she confirmed he wasn't just staring a bit... But all the @#$! time. (Friends doesn't know about the abuse) . We silently decided to laugh and have alot more fun ignoring them completely. And after it ended we half ran away from the two of them.
I've no idea what she told him or why he kept staring at me for 2hrs.  I mean it's over 10 years ago! I never went to the police, I never accused him although I have every right. My ex has even married now... So what's with the stares and the animosity? It's creepy.  And it makes me wonder if they too are keeping tabs on me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 24, 2018, 10:07:04 PM
My T agrees that they acted weird and inappropriate. She name called them. I told her she used to be a very unlikeable person. My ex's sister that is.  And my T made a comment about that, I don't remember the details - but I said she might have changed. My T then said I'm very dilectic. More than she's able to be.

We also talked about the body sensation observations I've made. And she was very enthusiastic about that. I learned more about timeline and PTSD timeline. How we experience time. It was interesting. It was a good session.
Afterwards I went hiking in the forest. I thought I wouldnt be able to get very far, but I pushed myself to the top. It was amazing. I felt so great. So alive.

And in contrast now I feel sad. Waste of place. I've noticed in doing things for others again. If they ask me for favour I say yes. Not knowing how to say no.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 25, 2018, 08:33:55 AM
Hi Sceal,
It is lovely to hear that you enjoyed your hike in the forest, and that you felt so much more alive -  :cheer:

Your therapy session sounds like it went really well - really great. 

I realise that you have then felt sad as a contrast - but you've felt both emotions strongly by the sound of it.  Sceal - sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:  Hope you get more occasions to feel more alive - I also look for those times, and savour and appreciate  them.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 25, 2018, 08:45:48 AM
Hi Hope,
Thank you for reminding me of both the good session yesterday and the wonderful hike. My body and head is out of sorts today, so it's faded a bit.

And thank you so much for reminding me that feeling sadness is also okay. It's an important emotion and I am glad that I finally have them back with me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 25, 2018, 09:48:05 AM
I realized yesterday I am doing everything I can to please others again. Setting their needs ahead of mine, not setting boundaries.
And not really listening to what it is that I want
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 25, 2018, 10:07:39 PM
During identity group today we discussed what is: self-respect?
It is a very big topic, but an important one.
We talked about how we have it in some situations, but often its forgotten and how people use the lack of our strong contour to their advantage.
We also briefly touched upon the topic of self-worth. Am I worthy of respect?

One of the group members were talking about how it had touched her so deeply that her jacket had been stolen. A jacked she had received from a loved one as a thing to call her own. A way to start reclaiming her self-worth and Self-respect, but then someone had taken this too from her. Something that symbolised something so deeply and important to her.
She spoke with tears in he eyes and in a soft voice. She was so connected to what she was saying, with such painful clarity. It felt as if there were no disconnection within her. And I have no doubt she has worked hard to get there. But it was so good to hear her talk. It touched me quite deeply. Through her story she made me realize a something about why the creepy guy the other night troubled me so.

I think it's because it represented to me everyone who has stood over me, making sure I behaved and was a "good girl". It made me feel so inferior and unworthy. And it was such a reminder that I am being watched still by people who has ill wishes for me. By people who wants to control me, and destroy me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 27, 2018, 04:15:45 PM
those sound like great reminders for you, sceal.  being aware is such a big first step.  and the realization that you're people-pleasing again is, also, a big step.  i think it's pretty difficult to do anything about something unless we realize what that something is.

one thing that helped me with that automatic 'yes' response was to begin saying, 'i'll have to get back to you'.  it took a lot of practice (or anything where i intentionally stall my response - 'i've got to think about it', 'i don't know yet', i've got to check my schedule' ) but i've gotten much better thru the years.  i needed that time to actually decide if it was something i truly wanted to do or not.

it gets easier with practice, and i learned more about myself, my likes and dislikes, what and how much i was willing to do, all that good stuff by giving myself time.  there were a lot of slips when i first began, but since i now know myself better because of doing this, i can decide more easily and more quickly, sometimes on the spot, if it's something i want to take on or not.

all i can do is encourage you to keep going with this.  i think it might be connected to being more aware of your body sensations.  you sound like you're breaking thru to you, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 27, 2018, 08:36:30 PM
I used to do that, say "I'll get back to you", "I have to double check my planner" etc.
But I've said it so much lately I feel overwhelmed by all the answers I have to give back to everyone. and I'm so worn out.
I'm happy I have so many offers for various things, I'm lucky in that regard! I am, and I know that. But right now, it's a little much.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 28, 2018, 11:18:54 PM
maybe you can find something that allows you to quietly back out without having to give another reply.  like 'i'll think about it' and just not get back to them.  if they ask, then you can answer that you thought about it but it wasn't going to work out for you.  no need for explanations, no need to put out that extra energy.

it can be tough.  been there, done that.  back in my popular days.  nowadays, i don't really have that problem cuz i've eliminated so many people from my life that were energy-draining. 

love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 29, 2018, 07:15:44 AM
Big hug to you San.  :bighug:
Thank you for encouraging me. I think I know why I'm doubly stressed by this nowadays. It came to my realization reading your words.
It's just that it's a part of me I don't want to work on right now, because there's other parts I want to work on right now. I can't do it all at once. I keep trying that and I keep failing that way.
There's two things I want to try and that is to be more active, be more out in nature- pushing myself to go up hill and let the body experience it doesn't need to go into a panic attack just because my breathing gets heavier.
and the other thing is to connect more to what's signals my body is sending me, or atleast observe it.
And those two things on it's own require massive energy from me. And I don't want to add more on my plate.

It feels good understanding this.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Libby183 on May 29, 2018, 07:44:26 AM
Good for you,  Sceal.  You have realised the two areas that are important for you at this time.  I think you are so right to say that you will focus on these and leave the
"other people issues",  so to speak, for a later date. You are most important now.

Guilt-free and shame-free is something I am working on, and it's helping me. Look after you!

Take good care.

Libby.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 29, 2018, 06:02:12 PM
Thank you, Libby. For reading and for your kind words.
I will try and keep them in mind throughout the days.

---
I went up hiking the same trail as last week. It was much harder this time. I pushed a bit more and I didn't walk as slowly, although still slow.

On the way up I kept stopping up and looking around me. I kept saying " I am in Europe. I am in X part of Europe. Im in X country, I'm in X part of the country, I'm in X city and this forest in this part of the city." And I'd try really hard to tell myself that this was happening here and NOW.  Everytime I got a sense of realisation of the now-thought I got dizzy and pushed my body further away from me.
I almost didn't manage to the top today. But I did it anyway.
And ever since I got back down I've been nursing a headache.

Lots of work today
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 30, 2018, 04:00:42 PM
I was really sloggish this morning, but I managed to go to the gym.
Me and a friend from DBT group (although we're apparently not allowed to socialize) went had an 1.5 hr long workout session today.
She's very friendly and energetic, and I find her grounded.

We talked loosely about different topics today, generally improving life kind of topics. And I was going to explain something, I can't recall what, but it included me saying I'm not fit to work. The most I've worked in mylife is 70% and I turned into a sourpus outside work. I was cranky and mainly kept to bed after work and the days I wasn't working. I wasn't functioning.  She said I was sick, and I was. But I think she has a view of me that I'm healthy now- so I can work now. I'm not healthier, I have a lower capacity for work now than then. But the comment she made was "but you're doing so many things".  And that comment sting. She (and they) don't see me at home. Or during the rest of the day.

I have to try and let go of such comments, because otherwise they will suffocate me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 30, 2018, 04:10:13 PM
i completely agree with you. suffering from this invisible condition can be a trial in itself when it comes to others.  people in the house where i live knew i had a lot of physical stuff going on, and that's something they can identify and it makes sense for them.  what we struggle with inside they haven't a clue about.

it sounds like her comment was not meant to be hurtful, even tho you felt pain from it.  these things are from ignorance, most of the time.  all she can see is what you are accomplishing on the outside, where you've made some major advancements.  and that's great. unfortunately, our inside stuff doesn't necessarily keep up with the outside, but no one else knows that.

i do hope you can put that comment to the side. 

may i congratulate you on your efforts with making progress physically, pushing yourself at times.  well done, sweetie.  plus, i loved your grounding exercise as you walked. that's very cool.   keep up the good work.  the rest will follow. you're doing so much for yourself in a healthy, positive way, it's wondrous to behold.  love and a big hug to you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 30, 2018, 07:26:54 PM
I know other people suffer from things that I never will understand, and perhaps I say stupid comments to them without realising or meaning to.
But even if it's not meant to hurt it still do sting. I'll just have to try and be dialectic about this.
I have to find a way to not get so defensieve, or feel defensieve when people are giving me their unsolicited advice. "just grit your teeth" "Just make up your mind" "just put your shoes on".
I suspect I'm a little like my mother in this that when people tell me what to do, I really don't want to do it.
I get that things are hard and difficult sometimes I really do understand that, which makes me not accept that I should choose to cause myself more trouble than I need to. Although, perhaps by being so uptight I am choosing to give myself more ache than needed.

I've been thinking lately that I'm almost ready to move on in my life, not from trauma - because that's still a backpack that's glued to my back. No I mean my current position in life. Living with my ex, and constantly putting off life-long dreams. But with this desicion comes sadness. I fear change like the next person, but not because it might not be better. But I fear the change because I might lose the good that I have. My ex is a wonderful person, the other night when I came home upset with my family he would just give me hugs when I would be ranting and going around restlessly muttering. And it calmed me, the gentle hugs. And it saddens me, the thought of moving away from him. Generally the sadness usually always comes before a big desicion, and telling him will be hard. But it wont be for a long while yet - but I will carry the sadness in my heart. And it will break my heart when I see his sadness too.
But.. I can't just stop life because I'm worried about sadness.

I need a pick me up now.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 31, 2018, 03:34:01 PM
I had so many dreams. Big dreams.
I was going to be a doctor, I wanted to work with people who had cancer. Care for them, help them.
I wanted to go to Africa or to Asia to voulenteer for a few months either with kids at a school or with animals.
I wanted to travel to China, to the Great Wall, to see the nature around the big cities.
I wanted to visit so many places, meet so many people.
I wanted to backpack in Yellowstone national park or Yosemite national park - or both.
I wanted to be an artist, to write books - to reach people.
I wanted to be a psychologist - to help those who are the weakest and those who needs it the most. To help them rebuild their lives and self-image to not lose hope it's not all for waste.
I wanted to see the world.
I wanted to have a place of my own, it didn't have to be big. But preferably near water and/or forest.

I can still do some of these things, but not all. I may never be able to work full time so I could afford most of them. I'm so incredible sad that I can't get to see the world. And meet all those exciting people I was supposed to meet. To help those I could.
Instead, most of the time I'm stuck at home - wasting my life away by looking at TV because it costs so much to do the work. The work I need to do to get my * together. Or I start a new project, I fear at the back of my mind will fail too - because they all have in the past - and it's just another one to keep me busy while I waste time doing nothing while I should be out there, travelling. Exploring. Hiking.

There are so many people out there who's been traumatized far worse than I, and are still able to function enough to go to work. Or function enough to dare to have a relationship, or function enough that they dare to go after what's important for them in life. So why am I holding myself back all the time?
I'm so afraid of coming back home to no-one. I'm so afraid to be judged and to be cast aside that I don't do the things that I think would be good for me. I don't dare to set down the boundaries - to focus on what I want and just do it, pushing everyone elses opinoins and thoughts aside because when it comes down to it all - the only opinion that truly matters is my own.
I think I'm wasting time, because I'm afraid. But also because I do not believe I am worthy of pursuing my dreams.
And because I'm still punishing myself for not being able to stand up for myself, not being able to get away. Because my NO! didn't matter.
I am scared that I am not strong enough, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

And all of this is making me so incredible sad.  :'( :bawl:
I know people say that I'm still young, I'm 31. I have plenty of time left to do all the travelling. And perhaps I do have the time... But I might not have the money, and I might not have the guts, and I might not have the health to do it later. And I keep postponing it, and I go on smaller trips that I know is safe for me. Convenient. Cheaper.
It has to end. I have to figure out how to stop me stopping myself.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on May 31, 2018, 04:08:17 PM
Hi Sceal,
:hug: to you.  It's great to have dreams, and I hope very much that you'll feel able to re-write your wishes/hopes/dreams to say 'I still want to' rather than 'I wanted to' - because I think you will achieve many things in your life - and I know you are still young enough to do many many wonderful things.  31 is young! 

I love the range of things you want to do - and I really hope you'll find that you can take some baby steps towards achieving things - because those steps can lead towards the hope of achieving them. 

Sometimes our mind puts obstacles in our path - and I know how some days can feel as if the world is closing in, and it can feel a bit hopeless and bleak - but Sceals - your light shines brightly - and I hope you know that you're a special person and you can make a difference, and you already do.  You've been so kind to me, in your replies, and you've made a difference to me.  Thank you.

Sceals, I hope that you will find a way to achieve as many of the things you want to achieve. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on May 31, 2018, 09:07:33 PM
 Hope,
:hug: Thank you. I don't know how to reply, I had no idea I have a shining light, or that I've made a difference to you. I'm all teary eyed about this now. The good kind of teary eyed.


---
Today was supposed to be my "day off" my lazy day. I woke up with my muscles screaming at me, particularly my * and my thighs. I spent 1.5hours at the gym doing strength yesterday - so this is no wonder. I tend to find it amusing when I struggle to walk, despite the pain. But it's a good kind of pain - for once. I woke up around 7ish, and got restless before 09. I went to the store around 10 (I thought they didn't open before, turned out they opened at 8). They didn't have what I'm looking for (it's surprisingly hard to find a bucket with an airtight lid). So I went to my parents place, they weren't home - but I was planning for that. I sat outside in the sun until it got too hot and then I went swimming to cool down. I got back home around 13ish. Restless like no tomorrow.
Not really energized, but restless. Sitting down makes no sense, but no motivation to do anything either. To hot to be outside, body not wanting to do anything straineous. I tried to take my restlessness out on my roomate - but he saw straight through me and called me restless before I had even realized what was going on. I ended up deciding to re-organize our entire livingroom. He's none too happy about it. But I am. He'll get used to it, if not - I'll have to move the furniture back the way it was.
I've been eating and eating and eating all day too. And at one point I stopped up and asked myself why. But I didn't have any answers, I just got more restless and active. Sweat was dripping and I was creating a bigger mess than there was to begin with. Ended up hunting for spiders.

I thought I had the food under control, but now - thinking back throughout the day and the week, I realize that I don't. I usually stop eating when it's this hot. I'm trying to lose weight, but I'm stuck on the scale. I think it's because I'm eating more while being more active. Something is blocking me, I just don't know what. My T is away for two weeks so I can't ask her to help me figure it out.
I feel fine. There's no nagging thoughts circling throughout the day (except for the dreams being wasted and sadness for the future - but they are only there when I actively think about it), there hasn't been any big - oh wait... Yesterday, when we left the gym.. I saw a man whom I think might be an associate of J, and whom had a falling out with me (he resented that I was made leader and he wasn't, although he is superior in my age. And had a huge problem with me trying to delegate work to him - while he didn't keep the promises he made and I tried to hold him accountable. He didn't have the conflict openly with me, but talked and cursed me behind my back) before I left permanently.
I'm not sure if it was him, I jumped behind a locker (there was no other hiding places), and I didn't dare to look when he walked past me.
It might be that, but I'm not sure to be honest.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on June 02, 2018, 07:47:42 AM
Hi Sceal,
I was just explaining what I had sensed - and I perceived a shining light - and yes, you have made a difference to me - you've validated me on many occasions, and I've felt your support strongly - and that's probably why I've sensed the shining light.  I hope your muscles recover soon - you've been doing a lot at the gym.

I just wanted to send you a hug  :hug: and wish you the best for the day.

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 02, 2018, 06:16:43 PM
 :hug: thank you Hope.
---

This weekend there is a happening in the kind of environment I used to be part of. Where J is. J and his family.
There was a news article in the newspaper about it with pictures. I had to look, they weren't photographed.
I am glad they are (most likely) there and that I am an hour drive away.

I'm not unhinged- not yet. But I have a big lump in my belly telling me this isn't okay. My hands and feet feel like they are on fire as well. So clearly not okay.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on June 02, 2018, 07:26:47 PM
I don't know what to say Sceal, but I hope you manage to stay grounded and especially keep safe.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 02, 2018, 08:09:59 PM
 :hug: Thank you Blueberry.

I'm trying to write a letter. Either to my T or to my SA lady. There is so much I want to have off my chest.. but I feel unable to know where to start.
The words are failing me in this regard, they always have.
And it feels like a letter doesn't help anymore, because we never have time to delve into them.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 02, 2018, 10:09:09 PM
my dear sweet sceal,

sorry to come to this party so late.  i've been self-absorbed the past few days, but it feels good to be here with you again.

you know, the whole hopeless idea of time passing you by, and you wasting it because you haven't done all that you've wanted to - well, one thing i always told my d's was never to let your gender nor your age stop you from going after what you want.  may i offer that to you as well.

my d has berated herself for taking so long to pursue her dream of moving here.  it took her 15 yrs.  however, in spite of everything she's gone thru, all the battles she's waged, she did, indeed, finally make it.  my personal dream had been to move to mexico and live there.  it took me 30 yrs. to realize that one.  another big dream of mine was to get professionally published.  that happened when i was 60.

the thing about dreams is that we really never know.  wrestling the c-ptsd beast often sets us back on our heels for years, and can make us believe that it's too late to start.   possibly for some things, but not necessarily for all of them.  you've been waging a battle for your sanity and self that takes time, work, energy, perseverance, determination - all the stuff needed to make dreams come true.

you've got all you need - it was just needed for something else for a bit.  that doesn't mean forever or that things won't change.  it can seem that way, but it ain't necessarily so.  you've got what it takes to pursue at least some of your dreams when you're ready.  other things have gotten in the way and caused your readiness to be put on hold.  but i don't see it as a forever thing.

i do believe, sceal, that the time will come when you are finally ready to go after at least some of those dreams.  please, be patient with yourself.  you are working so hard on your health and well-being right now, which is basically paving the way for you to be healed enough in order to eventually follow up on your dreams.

it many not be all of them - one of my dreams was to see the sistine chapel, and i doubt at this stage of the game that i'll make it there, altho, who knows?  stranger things have happened, one of them just a few weeks ago.  still, our dreams are precious and deserving of being kept alive.  i sincerely hope you can.  standing right beside you on this one, sweetie.  love and hugs filled with dream futures.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 04, 2018, 12:38:08 PM
Dear San, we all need time to take care of ourselves. You included.  :hug:
I hope you're right, in  the fact that I got plenty more time to figure out my dreams and accomplish them. I just hope they wont cost me too much.

I hope you get to see the sistine chapel. Rome is a sight all on it's own.
---

I had planned to go for a hike today, but when I woke up my body was heavy and I had to drag it out. I'm quite surprised I actually did go out in the end. The hike itself was beautiful, I kept telling myself "I can always turn around if it sucks", instead I went further than I have on any of my hikes this year. Maybe I'm getting to be the same shape I was a year ago. I hope so, because then it'll be easier to continue. It was warm, I was sweaty. My legs were trembling.  I wish I dared show you a picture of the hike, but I don't.
I felt the dark mood lift a little as I was listening to the birds chirping and the wind blowing the leaves around. I slowed down and walked calmly, I tried to avoid rushing ahead and pushing too hard. And stopped occationally to check in with the body - I couldn't find anything though except for a brief moment I realized my chest was constricting me, but it was a fleeting moment of connection. I tried.

Now that I'm back down I've got the motherload of a headache. Maybe some tensions were challenged during my walk and my body is now in some kind of battle with something. I don't know.

Tomorrow I got a meeting with my SA lady. I'm both looking forward to it, and not. We're going to talk about The Group that belonged to J and E. The Group I was apart of. So that we can slowly, slowly and carefully start approaching the abuse and SA that happened. I just don't know what to say. I hope she can help me by asking questions so it'll be easier for me to navigate my brain.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 05, 2018, 07:00:16 PM
Went to the gym today, I wasn't feeling up to it. I did my dynamic warmup, and a few legs and minimal arm workouts, and then I just had to leave. There was relatively few people at the gym - which was nice. But I unfortunatedly saw myself in the mirror - and I felt disgusting and just had to leave.

(TW)
The SA center which I had an appointment with were closed for the day (except for the appointments), so thus I couldn't spend 2 hours decompressing there. So I walked around and came back later. The appointment was... devestating.
I couldn't stop the tears from coming, eventhough I tried so hard. I really tried. But they just rolled down my face like there was no end. They stopped at the end when I had to leave, but before I got out the door they came flowing down again.
We touched upon the first time J had his way with me, and I can't recall if I gave concent or not. But I was so drunk, I was wasted and he had fed me alchohol all evening. I had barely had any sleep the nights before and a high actvity level and not alot of food - that combined with me not used to drinking tends to equate to me being wasted. I thought I was safe there, so I let myself drink. I wasn't safe. The memories are hazy. I remember bits here and there. I don't like remembering. I wish I could just store it in a safe at the bottom of the lake deep inside of me and never let any of them see the light of day, but that's now how it works - with getting better. Overcoming stuff.

The sadness and difficult conversations continues next week. Not sure I truly want this. I don't want to go down and sad again, not now. I need my strength to get my body in shape.
[TW End]
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 05, 2018, 10:44:13 PM
sceal, i give you so much credit for what you're doing.  all of it.   your hikes, loving being out in nature (i was totally there with you when you mentioned the birds and leaves - some of my favorite sounds), your gym time, and the guts it took to begin the work on recovering from what happened.

those tears must have been full of poison, and i'm so glad you got them out.  so very glad you could let them show themselves.  they are the beginning of cleansing your body and soul of the awfulness of what happened to you.

the idea of giving consent is only valid if you are in a right mind to do so.  being wasted on alc. is not in such a mind, does not allow your mind to give full, voluntary consent.   your mind was distorted and altered by a drug, so it wasn't able to think clearly.    therefore, you were not able to give voluntary consent even if you said the word 'yes'.

with such conditions and a brain full of alc., you may never fully remember.  you don't even need to try.  what you do remember is enough - you know what happened.  you were taken advantage of.   the least thing we can expect from people is not to harm us, especially if, for whatever reason,  we don't have full power over our faculties.   

j is a coward, someone who bludgeoned his 'power' over someone else who was not thinking correctly at the time. a pox on cowards such as these!  there was a court case not too long ago with college guys who raped a girl outside a party.  the idea that she was drunk is why the judge called it rape and held them accountable for their actions.

the father of one of the boys tried to brush it off cuz they'd been drinking 'boys will be boys, and how dare you ruin my son's life (jail time) over something like this?'  basically, the father was told to go fly a kite.  look at how that girl's life was ruined.

your tears are warranted, sceal.  something precious was stolen from you. 

once again, i love your body.  this is part of what it's been holding for you, how it's been taking care of you all these years.  i give you so much credit for even looking at such a painful, horrible incident in your life.  sending much love and hugs to you, sweetie.   that's what you've always deserved, not the horrors of what you went thru. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 07, 2018, 08:23:30 PM
I'm not sure if I felt any of the poison getting out through my tears this time, San. I cry so rarely, I find myself unable to allow myself too.

It means something to me, to hear you say that it wasn't okay. That I wasn't in any condition to give consent. A part of me strongly believe this too, but another part is telling me I am at fault, I should have seen the warning signs, I should have stepped back. There were signs that things were going off in the wrong directions. I realize now that those signs was him testing me, and my ability to say no and demand my no.

The last few days since the talk with my SA-support lady I've been left in an EF. I've struggled quite alot emotionally. I've tried to keep a brave face up, and in some instances I've been able to do so. But not in all. I've spent alot of hours at the SA center since the talk. I spent the majority of my day there today. I had to text my support lady and ask if it was okay that I come by, despite having a bad day. She said I was more than welcome. When I arrived, she talked with me for a bit and asked why I had asked if it was okay - I told her I felt like such a heavy burden on everyone. And I do.
I feel like I am the pebble in the shoe, the persistant headache, the motion-sickness. Putting too many demands around, and not being able to stick up for myself. She said I wasn't, Blueberry too. And another friend as well, but I can't shake the feeling.

Not seeing my T until Tuesday, that'll be 14 days since last time. I feel I should tell her alot, and yet - I don't have the words. It hurts finding the words
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 07, 2018, 09:39:53 PM
sceal, if he was testing you, he was testing someone incapacitated to make a knowledgeable response.  predators look for the vulnerable, and, being drunk, you were in a vulnerable state.  anyone who takes advantage of that belongs on the lowest part of the food chain, to my mind.  your thinking capabilities were compromised because of the alcohol.   how could you possibly determine which 'signs' meant what?   no 'shoulds' belong here.   you have the right to not be taken advantage of no matter what.

that's like people who take advantage of those who are too young to make adult decisions, or those who are in any way mentally challenged.   it's wrong, they're wrong for doing it.   no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

so very sorry you're going thru so much suffering right now.  i wish i could just wrap my arms around you, embrace you, surround you with love.  i'm glad you're getting support from the sa people.  this is terrible stuff to have to go thru.

as far as i'm concerned, and i don't doubt others feel the same way, you're no burden.  right now you are experiencing terrible memories, and you are in need of caring and comfort and compassion.  there are many of us who look at it that way, and as we try to lift you up we find you're as light as a feather.   no burden at all.

as far as telling your t and finding words,  the words will come.  maybe you can write down some key thoughts to take in with you.  maybe you can just free associate, let whatever words come to the surface of your mind continue to come out of your mouth.  they'll end up making just the right amount of sense, and your t can take the cue from them and help you explore the dynamics and meanings behind them.

my dearest sceal, i'm sending love and a hug filled with calm and inner peace to you.  i hope you are relieved from your ef soon as possible.  you are so courageous.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 08, 2018, 07:42:58 PM
This is long, and I'm sorry for that. I don't expect anyone to read through all of this.

I need someone to listen to me, I need to dare to speak. But I don't.
I find my mouth shut, sewn shut or glued shut. I can't find the words because my brain go blank, or the words hold no meaning to me. I feel disconnected from myself, from the people around me.

And everytime I try to explain this, try to put words to this sensation - I feel even more alone, because the people draw assumptions based on their own experiences - and they are more interessted in talking about how they feel than to try and understand me, or help me understand myself. I understand that the people in my life hasn't chosen to be with me to try and understand me. But rather I present something that fascinates them - quite what that is, I am not sure.

I've had a glass of wine, and a shot of baileys, to try and break down my own wall a little. I don't drink often, for I can get very dark, very fast when I do - especially when I drink alone. But tonight, it seems this was enough for me to be able to write alittle here, and also feel the heavyness within me. I feel the tears wanting to push forward and run down my cheeks, but there's that blockade again. The one that wont give me room to breathe, to allow. My therapist I assume would say that this is a survival technique that I used in order to survive in the past. And I believe she's right. And I'm fairly certain when I used them to. I used them when I was being bullied from the age of 6 to 17. And while being in my abusive relationship from the age of 16 (or was I actually 15?) until I was 20/21. I stopped crying for so many years, because all it brought on me was misery and an intense headache I couldn't get rid of. So I pushed them aside, and I refused the body to grieve.

I haven't been able to grieve since. I was terrified when my F was stuck in a terrorism attack and I didn't know if he'd ever come back alive. But I didn't cry. I was sad when my grandmother died, but I never had the ability to grieve her. I often see her in the malls or on the street. Short, crooked thin ladies with powder white hair wobbling slowly along. And the other day I felt her hand in mine. I know it was hers, yet quite how I know it was she - I don't know. I miss her. There was so much more I wanted to talk to her about. There was so much more about her life I should have asked and paid interest in.

I wish I could grieve for the younger me. All of them. But I can't, because I fundamentally believe that I do not deserve better. I try to challenge this line of thinking - I really do. I've tried to change the line of thinking since I was a teenager, but I'm not able to.



@San,
(TW - I'm sorry if this is too much. There's no explisit details)
Looking back, I believe he was testing me. He took me away from the rest of the group and into the forest to talk. I said yes, because I had no reason to sense any threats from him. He is married, with kids. He got uncomfortable close, and I have a vague memory of feeling like it was inappropriate and that I felt uncertain - but I never at any point thought he was going to do anything untoward. He knew vaguely of my past. I know he knew, and I'm fairly certain he knew that I knew that he knew.  He got a phonecall from his wife asking him where he was and we returned. After that he poured me drinks after drinks after drinks. Even when I said I'd had enough, he guilted me into drinking more. He made me sit on his lap, infront of everyone and infront of his wife. I said no, he should have his wife on his lap. And I him and his wife that, but he said no, I should. His wife already had a seat.  It was strange, but we were drunk. I was drunk - and about to get more wasted.  I'm not going to describe the rest of the night, because from this point on it's black mixed with a few glimpses here and there, and none of them good.

I wish I could say these worlds out loud, use my voice to say them out loud in the light of day. To take away the shame. Someone said today that for her the shame and guilt that came after being repeatedly SA, R and physically abused were secondary sideeffects. To her it had to do with loyalty. They put her in an impossible situation afterwards, because society says you should be kind, and don't raise your voice and not make a fuss. And always help out others when they ask for it. So she was forced not to talk about it, not to voice her pain, so they made her loyal to them to their betrayal, making it impossible for her to talk about it. Used the value of loyalty against her. I'm not able to explain it properly, but some of what she said felt true - it's not the whole picture for me. Not at this stage anyway. But I am loyal, because I don't talk about it. I never went to the police, I never spoke out loud about it. about any of them. Which makes the shame double, shameful for allowing it to happen, shameful of my weaknes, and shameful i cannot do anything about it, shameful I didn't get justice for myself - or even dared to seek it out - which again just proves I'm weak.

About the lacking in words, I remember I once realized that the reason I might not be able to talk is because an EP is taking over. It's preventing me to talk, because it's too threatening to talk.
What if they don't believe me? What if they think I'm lying? How could someone looking like me, ever be r*, so why on earth should they believe me? I'm disgusting. What if they do something about it? What if they confront J or S or S or J? (that's 4 differen't people, I never realized that they all started with the same letter...) What if I open this pandora's box, and things will just get worse and worse and worse, and I'll never be able to see the light of day again?
What if I deserved it?
What if.... what if it truly, really, honestly, was my fault?

The risk is too high.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 08, 2018, 08:00:42 PM
Sceal,
I'm just going to pop in here and tell you some things.
1. I believe you
2. It wasn't your fault, but it's ok if you don't see it yet
3. No one deserves it.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 09, 2018, 09:11:13 AM
Thank you Deep Blue, I shed a few tears reading your reply right before I fell asleep last night.

Today my body is heavy, stiff. Rigid. Inparticular my pelvic and my hips, legs. I remember someone saying that if you have pains in your outer hip then it's a signal that you have trouble with your mother.
I've understood that my body is sending signals to me when there's some emotion active. What I haven't understood however is that my body is signalling me even when I am not under influence of "emotional attack" that I am not in touch with. Like my pelvic is lightly stiff, rigid and in pain right now due to the conversation I had at the SA centre, and also what I've revealed here.

I need to do some hard work, and likely work that I don't actually want to do - such as re-reading my journal (the one here, and the physical ones). That always tends to make me cringe, and activate my IC enormously. But perhaps I need to do this in order to actually be able to move forward? Maybe? Maybe I'm just re-traumatizing myself, or using it as an obscure form of emotional SI. I can't tell.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 09, 2018, 03:18:38 PM
my dearest sweet sceal,

that made total sense to me, what you said about the loyalty thing, keeping quiet about what's happened, being afraid of what might happen if you speak up.  i went thru a lot of that myself, especially around hub #2's sexual addictions and how they played out in my family.

stuff that he'd told me he'd done as a child, stuff he'd done as an adult, i kept it all for him for years and years.  even as i was neg. impacted, i kept it for him.  it wasn't until it affected my daughters that i began speaking up.  but, there it is.  for my d's i could begin opening up, but for myself, no. 

it took me a long time to be able to speak the truth for myself.  the beginning of it was thru here, this forum.  being able to find a virtual voice was my first step.  since then, i've been able to speak about him, what he was about, to people in real life.  there was still a twinge there to hold back, but it wasn't nearly what it used to be, and i was able to speak thru it finally.

i think that being able to write some of this down here, share it with us here, see it in black and white is a big first step for you, sceal, one that will strengthen you.  re-reading, hopefully, will be something that you'll not only be able to tolerate (it is the truth, your truth, after all) but will continue to strengthen you.  then, eventually, the stitches will come undone, or the glue will be dissolved, and your lips will find a way to form the words, finally.

and you will know that the shame belongs with him, not with you.  not for what you did or didn't do.  the shame for all of it belongs with him (and maybe even his wife - that whole scenario with her included sounds like complicity or apathy on her part, like she allowed it to happen.  it doesn't sit right with me at all) but none of it belongs with you. 

i echo what deep blue said.  as far as reporting to the police, well, when we're traumatized, we often don't have the energy, motivation, or strength to do something like reporting.  (it took me 8 yrs. after the fact to report my narc t, even tho i'd told friends about it and they'd encouraged me to report way sooner - i was terrified to do so).  but, my terror was part and parcel of the trauma, as were any and all of your emotions following what you went thru.

thank you for sharing this, sweetie.  very courageous, very brave, very strong of you.  don't discount this.  it is a big step to do this,  one that is leading you to be able to speak it aloud.  the time will come, of that i have no doubt.   you're getting there.   sending you much love and gentle hugs filled with strength and courage to continue on to where you need to go.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 12, 2018, 02:34:51 PM
Hi San,
I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through the abuse of sense of loyalty too. *big hug to you* You've had to deal with ALOT of * from him. Abusive, ugly stuff. And I'm so glad that you found your way out of there.

I don't think any of my abusers and their helpers are capable of feeling shame for what they did to me. I fear that they don't realize they've ruined someone elses life, that they simply don't care.

I went tenting again this week-end. Someplace new, although I've been there plenty of times for day hikes during the autumn. It was nice, but I was so disconnected with myself. I couldn't sit down and feel things, or apprechiate things fully. It was just another one of those things I do. And that fills me with sadness today. I don't want my camping to be another one of those things I do, people expect of me. I want it to belong to ME. It's hard to explain the difference, because no one has ever told me I need to go camping.

Therapy was hard today. I was nervous before I went in, although I didn't have any particular reason to be nervous. I haven't seen her for two weeks, and we were going through my week-chart where I put down emotions, SI-tendencies, triggers and scale of awareness. And she asked me about them, which is fair. But then she started asking so many questions and I started shutting down. Losing my voice, and my ability to move my bodyparts except for my hands that were fiddling restlessly. We did some mindfulness to bring be back, but then she asked about more stuff and I had a meltdown. A very unexpected one. My arm started shaking, vibrating voilently. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't move my other arm, so my nails kept digging into my other hand so much that I now got a minor burn abraison. I was crying, and panicking, and having flashbacks back and forth and I apparently yelled out that I don't like being held down.
My T was very gentle with me, prompting me to feel my arm, sense the sensation. And trying to let me allow myself to let go of my body and allow it to do the motions it clearly needed to do. She said afterwards once I'd calmed down and once she'd managed to make me push a pillow against her several times (somehow pushing away that pillow made my arm relax), she told me my body is holding on to so many memories so deeply.

I feel raw, hurt, sad, and so very vulnerable.
I want company, yet at the same time I can't bear anyone touching me in any kind of way right now. Even the thought of being touched is making me spin.
I don't want to explain or defend.
I just want to sleep it away I guess.
But I can't. I have a summer -party to go to. And art that needs to be sorted for an interview next week.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on June 12, 2018, 02:40:10 PM
Hi Sceal,
I think you have been through a lot in your therapy session today - and I wanted to say I admire how you've coped - it must have been hard to go through that, but it's good to hear that your therapist was helpful - and I hope that you will be able to do the things you want to do today - as I know you have a lot of things - the Summer Party and the interview you're preparing for.  Wishing you strength to do the things you want and need to do, Sceal. 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 12, 2018, 03:12:43 PM
Sceal,
I echo what Hope said.  I also admire how you coped with your session.  Don't put pressure on yourself about camping.  Our "thing" is allowed to change as we get older.  It can change with the seasons or day by day. 

In the fall I get into pumpkin sculpting, baking in winter, and running in the summer.  Be gentle with yourself sweetie.

Much love
- Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 12, 2018, 09:26:18 PM
Dear Hope,
It was hard, but I think also cleansing in a way. Perhaps. I'm not sure yet. It felt scary to freak out over something I didn't know was freaking me out. Thanking for wishing strength for me. I needed it.

Dear Deep Blue,
Thank you. I just got back into camping, that's why it hurts when I realize that sometimes I do it to please others. To be "active and not a lazy, crazy mental person without a job" - I think that's where the people pleasing constantly comes in these days.
I love how you change your hobbies by season. That's an interessting aspect to it. I'm thinking of sculpting in clay once the weather goes bad too.
Warm thoughts to you both.

---
I went to the summer party, it was so-so. I was anxious and didn't know what to do with myself. And people didn't really talk to me, and I didn't reach out either. I was too busy freaking out to have a straight line of thought in my head to even think about the most normal question "how are you today?". Or "Hi, I'm .... - I don't think we've met".  It got easier during the evening.
My SA-lady checked up on me, asked how I was doing. I said it was getting better - had a hard day with my T. She said she could tell.
I'm not good at hiding that stuff. I tend to just hide me entirely then. But she said she was happy I came along.



Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 14, 2018, 02:23:07 PM
I'm worn.

My hand is full of scab crust from the friction wounds I got during my flashback-anxiety-provoked-thingy that happened during last therapy session.
It's tender, and I feel it everytime I close my hand or accidentally bumps into something. It's not something, but it bothers me. It's a constant reminder of how I started doing SI early in my childhood. And it bothers me that I couldn't move away from my body.

I realized while talking to my GP today, that my body - it's not me. I know I've talked about that before. But it became so clear to me today, that my emotional brain considers this body a cancerous tumour. And I realized too that perception of my own body makes it quite difficult to start aligning myself with it, start listening to the signals it sends me. It's no wonder that on Tuesday my cognitive and emotional brain point blank refused to allow my body to have it's reaction and was fighting every single second of it. We talked alittle about the future today, my GP and I. And I say that for the first time in my life the future is a black hole with no hope for improvement. I've always looked to the future, hoping, praying, begging for it to be better, and working hard to achieve goals. But that future doesn't seem to ever appear. I am in the future now, and it's not exactly any better than it was 10 years ago. My GP suggested I try to be more mindful of today, the here and now. Which is all I can be doing, just when the topic of future comes up I resign. She also suggested I try and be a bit more adapting to the future, but I feel I've adapted all of my dreams and goals.

After GP I popped by my friend with the twins. It was good. I managed to be present 100% for the first time for as long as I can remember while I was playing with one of the twins. My friend says I'm super popular with the twins, they are never in a bad mood when I'm around. And it's kind of true. I've only heard them be fussy and difficult one time, and that's when I walked in the door and they hadn't seen me come down the stairs yet, but once they saw me they were all smiles and embarrasment. How can my heart not melt with that knowledge for them? I think that they are equally popular with me as I am with them.

I'm hanging out with a few friends later today, and I'm really looking forward to that. It's been a long time coming (years). But I'm so exhausted. I was thinking of cleaning the appartment. I came as far as cleaning my yogamat. I'm trying to remind myself that I have done ALOT this week. I'm going to summarize it here so it's easier for me to see it black on white:

1. Intellectual talk about storytelling with an inspiring friend of mine (whom I really would love to impress)
2. Really heavy session in therapy
3. Attended summer party same day as heavy therapy - it was really difficult but it got better during the evening
4. Had a talk with my SA-support lady
5. Socialized at the SA-centre with lunch and also planning a steep mountain hike that I'm scared to do
6. Bowling
7. Preparing for next week's art-interview
8. Appointment with GP and talking about future
9. Playing with toddlers
10. Attempting to clean.

And the week is only halfway through.
I need to slow down.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 14, 2018, 03:48:57 PM
I'm not going to be active many other places on the forum than my own journal for a while.
I'm struggling a bit with wanting to take other people under my wing, and try and take over their pain - even if it's impossible.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 14, 2018, 06:54:38 PM
Much love to you Sceal! Sounds like some good self care to me
:bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 14, 2018, 10:19:13 PM
Thank you dear  :hug:

---
I turned off the pc for a while. And sat down with my notes on tackling the body.

Now I don't feel so good. I would love to SI, to just feel anything else. But I won't. I will try and hang in there til the morning and I'll call my T instead.
Hopefully.
She said I can't call her after I've done anything. I have to call her before so she has a chance to try and help me. I will try that.
But I don't like this feeling that I can't name or really understand.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 14, 2018, 10:24:42 PM
Sweet Sceal,
:hug: I'm sitting with you holding your hand in this.  I'm in the same boat. I'm not going to give in.  Fight together k?
:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 15, 2018, 09:12:29 AM
 :hug: Deep Blue, I'll sit with you too and fight our monsters.  :hug: your kindness means so much
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 15, 2018, 03:56:59 PM
sweetie, may i respectfully disagree with you that you're in the same place you were?  2 things jumped out at me - that you didn't dissociate with the twins for the first time, (a first), and that the party got better even if it was difficult at first.  plus, you're waiting, putting your si on hold till you speak to your t.  these are all big changes for the pos., even if you haven't seen them this way.

i even think your realization about the disconnect to your body is huge.  to me, seeing these things shows that you do have a future to look forward to.  maybe the changes aren't coming as quickly as you'd like, but i see them being there nonetheless.  hang tough, my dear.  i'm sitting on the other side of you.  we'll beat the beast in the end, or at least whittle it down to the size of a prankster puppy.   love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 15, 2018, 08:44:15 PM
thank you San, for always believing in me.
I've felt disconnected from my body almost my entire life, it's just the last few months i've been able to put words to it. Knowing and saying is two different things. But saying is progress to.

---
TW
I was watching a very touching movie today, and I cried quite a few tears. The only way I can get them out.
Anyway, there is a phrase that was said in the movie: "You deserve everything you want", this was of course said by the mother of the main character. But this sentence bothers me. The main character hadn't done anything special to deserve anything, he was simply a son/brother/friend. People say this sentence, or similar far too often. My problem with this sentence is if everyone deserves what they want... that also means that all the bad guys out there, all the people who wanted to take advantage of me and of other people - they deserved to get what they wanted to. And this... This concept is something I simply cannot get behind. I wish people would think about what they are actually saying when they say stuff like that. Some people simply want to do bad things to other people , and if the prerequisite of deserving something is to simply just exist... then well we're all pretty much !¤#"&%.
I've tried to express this line of thought before and people tell me I'm weird or that it "of course doesn't mean the bad stuff"... But honestly.. what is "of course" about it? Nothing.

None of us deserved to be victims of abuse. Our abusers didn't deserve to take advantage of us for their enjoyment/pleasure/whatever.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 15, 2018, 08:45:38 PM
I guess somewhere inside I'm angry, from my words and tone in my previous post this is quite clear. Except, I can't feel that. I just feel sadness mixed with a unhealthy dose of nothingness.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 15, 2018, 09:58:16 PM
Sceal,
It's ok to be angry.  I still get angry at my abusers too.  Im glad you kept your previous post.  I think you make a valid point in it. That saying rubs me a bit the wrong way too.

San is right, you are accomplishing so much. Thanks for being you  :hug:   Thanks for helping me fight my demons last night too.
Much love,
Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 16, 2018, 09:39:08 PM
sceal, i think it's an important step that you can recognize the anger that's pushing at those barriers even if you can't actually feel it yet.  small steps, sweetie, but they definitely all count.

that phrase, about deserving everything you want, can be tricky, to my mind.  i have said it myself, but to select people, people who i believe deserve everything they want.  i've never said it as a universal saying to include everyone who's ever lived.  i don't believe anyone deserves to feel good about themselves at the expense of another.

no, i believe instead that deserving what you want has boundaries around it.  being a good person, not taking advantage of others in a hurtful way, working to improve self - those kinds of people, yes, they deserve everything they want.  we all have the same choices to make in life, and those who make the choice to lead a good life, show kindness and caring (such as your example of the person being a good friend) - the little things, are what define what kind of person we are choosing to be.

i don't think we have to be some kind of saint or philanthropic celebrity to deserve having everything we want.  i think most of the people on this forum deserve everything they want.  i think you do, from what i know of you.  absolutely.  you are struggling daily with your issues, yet you find that support, caring, and kindness within you and give it to others here.  are you deserving?  definitely, in my book.

just my opinion.  disconnection from your body - that must be rough.  i don't feel that, so i don't exactly know what it's like, but i can't imagine it.   with all the work you're doing, your surgery coming up eventually, i'm hoping that can get resolved for you.  sending love and a hug full of resolution and re-connection.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 18, 2018, 08:40:33 PM
Thank you Deep Blue, for letting me know I'm not alone. It helps!

I understand what you're saying, San. But the word deserve is so loaded and so ambigious and so filled with lies and promise for me all at the same time. I suppose it's a word that makes me easily go into an EF, although I'm not entirely certain why. I can guess, but it's not with certainty.

---

Today is a crappy day.
I wrote a to-do list of things I needed to get done today, and I got most of them done I think. Which is good. I intended to go to town and sit at a café to work, because working at home is incredible difficult for me these days. More often than not I just get insanely frustrated by the mess that never seems to clear up no matter how much I tidy every day. And me resigning into not really being good enough for anything - so I just end up watching TV. It sucks, because I used to not be the TV-person. But the last year... I've become the TV-person.

I've been talking to two very interessting people about personality typing the past week, and there's alot to learn. I learned that I am the kind of person who wants to know who I am, at the debth of things, which makes sense for me. But delving deep within is also costing me alot. And I'm curious, scared and worried that my c-PTSD or my PD is affecting my results in the personality typing. But I don't know these people well enough to ask, and I want to remain normal but quirky to them. Living in my country I'm spoiled where it comes to mental health, it's alot of talk about it in the medias and on the news. Healthy people, or rather undiagnosed people (because I'm certain some of them are denying their mental health),  doesn't always understand the various topics being discussed or how much it actually affects a person. But I think it is incredible important that the conversations are out there, in the public. And I think I'm fortunate to live in a country where this is on the public agenda, and on the political one. As I know there are so many other countries out there which doesn't have this as part of their health-priority, despite the thousands of research papers and hours put into it proving it's just as important as anything else regarding health.
It still difficult to make people understand I need to do things in MY speed though. And it's hard to explain, or defend myself when they get to know I'm on wellfare rather than working because I can appear fully functional in the short social setting I'm there with them.

Loads of thoughts and musings I didn't know I was carrying.
I should prepare for the interview tomorrow, but I've been thinking about it non-stop for almost two weeks now, and I think it's making it a mess in my head, and I can't make myself write it all down so it becomes coherent. I've discovered things about my works that's interessting. The less effort and the less intention I put into my works the more emotional they appear, the darker they get. (I'm talking about art now) I'm wondering if there's a part of me trying to communicate to me that I'm ignoring, much like I tend to ignore the body. And once I was thinking of this, it's now made it scary for me to start creating more.

Also: on the note of food stuff... I'm struggling. I keep eating unhealthy things. I had dessert 4 times last week. 4 times! That's usually more than I normally eat throughout the entire year. It's not good.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 18, 2018, 10:34:17 PM
hey, sceal,

you seem to be whizzing around in your head pretty fast.  that's how it seems to me.  good luck with your interview tomorrow.  i hope it goes well.

interesting what you said about your work becoming more emotional, darker.  i think a lot of artists have different 'periods' where their work takes on different forms for a bit, depending on what's going thru their lives.  i think of frida, painting thru her pain, how those took on darker aspects.  or, picasso's blue period - very different from other periods.

our creativity often takes on dimensions of our personal lives, doesn't it.  i've written various types of articles, essays, poems, but they often took on different forms depending on how i was feeling, what was going on in my life.  how was the artist (forget his name) who painted 'the scream' feeling?  what was going thru his mind?  or michelangelo when he painted that fresco of souls being transported to *, and one of them was his own.

i understand that it can be scary to dig deep into yourself.  and, maybe it's something to attempt with a t or other counselor on board.  maybe you want to stay away from it for now, or forever.  it's definitely up to you.   it's fascinating to me, tho, the role our psyche can play when it comes to our creativity.  for the record, i support whatever you feel is best for you with all this.

again, i see you moving forward.  talking about this, realizing your 'self' in all this.  i find it to be a very large step and i admire you for it.  love and a warm, caring hug, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 20, 2018, 03:29:46 PM


Therapy wasn't hard, but I have no fight in me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 20, 2018, 03:39:51 PM
i love you, my dear, no matter how you're feeling.  you are such a beautiful being.  i've been to the place you mentioned.  eventually i came back from it.  holding out a hand if you want it.  we're in this together.   love and a warm, caring hug filled with whatever you might need.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 21, 2018, 07:33:26 PM
Thank you San. Your words are warm and meaningful to hear.  :hug:

---
I'm not doing so well. I can't really mobilize my body so well. Its Heavier than usual, and That is heavy enough.  I feel empty. Black. Weak. I drag people down and I spread my toxic negative energy once I step into a room. I can't stop it.

I am guessing that I am far below my tolerance window. And I don't know how to get back up again. I tried tossing a ball or moving the body. I've tried to socialize, I've tried showering, relaxing, I've been to the movies and to the theatre. I've been drinking hot chocolate and tea. I've worked out. I've tried avoiding SI, then I tried SI. I tried figuring out why I am this way. I tried talking about other things. And that helps, for a short time while it lasts.

It feels hopeless.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 21, 2018, 07:34:27 PM
For what more can I do?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 21, 2018, 09:11:45 PM
i hope you can let me be your friend, let you know you're not alone, that i'm standing with you while you go thru this trying time.  these lows can absolutely feel hopeless, but i truly believe this, too, shall pass.  just hang on tight till it does, ok?  i'm here with you, we're all here with you even if every one of us can't actually respond.  sending much love, acceptance, caring, and compassion to you, sweetie.     :grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 22, 2018, 01:24:10 AM
 :yeahthat:

Me too Sceal. I care about you.  We are with you.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 22, 2018, 06:25:55 AM
Of course I can let you be my friend, San. That's not difficult at all, you're such a sweet and loving person.

Thank you both, Deep Blue and San for standing with me.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 24, 2018, 07:49:15 PM
I had my last therapy session on last wednesday, and today is the first day I feel more like me again.
Tomorrow I have a "therapy" session with my SA-support lady and on Tuesday my therapy with my T again. I know it's a little defeatist attitude, but I am already not looking forward to the coming week - because of the rammifications that keep happening outside and after therapy.
My SA-Support lady will go on holiday after next week, which will leave me a little vulnerable. And I am guessing my T will soon go on hers too.
Which in a way I'm both dreading and also looking forward to. I'm dreading them being away because I don't have a support system outside of them. And I'm looking forward to it because I get a break from being prodded at mentally.

I have a mental image that the trauma is a pus-filled wound, and in order to actually get to the proper healthy healing the pus needs to come out. it needs to be forced out, pushed and squeezed out of the wound. And that my therapy right now is more like gently prodding and poking the tender, painful wound rather than getting rid of the pus. Although, I do hope this processs is something I can look back on and say "it wasn't prodding and poking, it was carfully squeezing the pus out - it just takes a long time".  But I put the blame on me, because everytime we get close I clam up. I can't do it. I shut down.

I can't brave the wilderness. I'm not brave enough to open up to the vulnerablity. Not completely. I open the door, or the window a crack. Enough to get air to the flame but not enough to make it into a fire. And I wish I could. I wish I could push open that door, force it open. Ignore my emotions in the moment, let the tears fall, let the body shake and vibrate and lose all sense of balance, as long as the words just come out. But they don't. My languange center shuts down.

I was watching the TV-series 13 reasons why (My friend questioned if I should be watching those kinds of shows, I said no- I shouldn't. But since when do humans always do what's good and healthy for them? ;) ). And there is a character in that show in the second season who says she wants to be the narrator to her story. She controls her story, what happened to her does not control her future. (It turns out she hasn't dealt with her stuff - but that's besides the point). I want to get there, where I feel I control the narrative that is MY story.

Loads of ramblings and thoughts and metaphors today.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 24, 2018, 08:03:35 PM
sceal, i see every bit of these 'ramblings' lately as you getting closer and closer to where you want to be re: being the narrator of your own story.  that goal is realistic, it's on its way, and you're getting nearer and nearer to it.  the fact that you could describe what it would physically be like when you begin forcing the pus out says so much to me.   in time, i'm betting, you'll also be able to begin describing what it would be like emotionally to do that.

you're getting there, sweetie.  you really are.  i don't doubt that eventually the day will come when you feel strong enough to open that door wide enough, raise that window high enough to just let the pus flow out of you into the universe, which will take care of it for you.  i'm so happy to see this progress, even if you can't see it. 

this is tough stuff, and you're much closer than you were 6 mos. ago.  standing with you, giving you a nudge when you want it, or just being there for you when you need to be still for a bit.  it's all good, honey.   love and a warm, caring hug full of strength and energy.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 24, 2018, 09:28:13 PM
Sceal,
I'm standing with you too.  I think it was Milne that said,  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

You are doing a great job.  We can be here to support you while they are on holiday too.   :grouphug:
Much love and strength to you  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 26, 2018, 07:43:54 PM
My SA-support lady cornered me yesterday. We were talking about the future and I said I no longer am able to "see" the future. I don't know what I want for myself, I don't know what to expect, I don't know how to dream about it anymore or work towards those dreams. It's all just black. There's nothing, and I can't reach it. So I find it incredible difficult to make choices now that will affect my future, because I can't decide where or what would be good for me long term.
And the last few years I've had to accept that I'm unable to work for now, and likely I will never be able to work full time. This is something I've discussed earlier, but my SA-support lady disagrees with me. She believes I one day will be strong enough to work full time, she says she sees so much potential in me and so much resources - these two concepts aren't new to me. I've heard them from various other people before, but despite my apparently resources and potential I am still not able to utilize them so that I work. I suppose it is in a way comforting that someone in my real life actually believes in me. I don't fully believe her, but it is still a nice sentiment. Yet it is causing me some distress. Mainly because I've been grieving and stressing about accepting that I wont ever reach that state, and now she comes and says this with such conviction it increases my internal stress center again. Because I was working on adjusting to accept a realistic outcome for my life, but now she's trying to spark a hope in me. And such a hope is so dangerous, because if it doesn't come to fruit then... the hurt will be so much greater, the grief will be too much too heavy for me to bear.

But she also asked me a hard question: What is it that makes me think that I wont ever recover fully? - Is it because I don't want to be held accountable for my own actions? - It sounds incredible harsh to ask such a question, and it was. But it was in an absolutely no judging tone of voice or atmosphere. She's had this conversation with alot of other victims of SA, I and R. So she asked based on her own experience, not her judgement. I feel that I do hold myself accountable for the actions I've taken and take everyday. I am quite avoidant and I do avoid too much in my life, but it is a thing that I am working on - and it will take time to resolve. But I believe I am holding myself accountable when I am working on improving something that is harmful. But it is a good question, why did I lose my hope that I will ever fully recover? What made me lose hope? And without hope, then why am I then doing therapy - why am I then going to conversations with her?
I go because I want to improve, I want to be better. I just don't believe I'll heal. But why not?
I don't know yet.

---

In my session today I was shaking, I was avoiding looking at my T, my voice was barely audible, I was sweating. And I'm fairly certain I was rocking back and forth. She read my letter and she made a sad sound and said "this is grusome" and "That must have been so incredible scary for you" while she read the letter. At the beginning of the letter I told her I was worried about her reaction, I was worried about what she'd think - if my recollection in this particular letter wasn't serious enough despite it's causing me pain, and that I'm worried I'm overreacting and are basically just an puny, weak human being. She tried to tell me she doesn't think of me as weak. But she also said she understands that I am not capable right now of believing her words on this matter - but it's still nice to hear. It is, even if I don't believe her. I lost my voice after that, and she decided to read the letter aloud because I was unable to. That brought me heaps and heaps of shame. And slowly she made me use every strength I had to work against shame.
- Keep eye contact
- Keep head high
- Sit straight (or the equivalent of "standing tall" while sitting down)
- Relaxed shoulders and unfolded arms.

It took every bit of strength I had today to do this. And the shame started to lessen, and increase and lessen and increase. But it did lessen at points. And when the shame was lessened the primary emotion was allowed space - my sadness and grief and my fear. Not anxiety, but fear ( I feel there's a distinction). And the tears came, quietly and slowly. But they came. When the shame increased my tears vanished. She would stop up every so often while she was reading my letter aloud and talk to me, check in with me. Asking me if I were present. At a point I got so overwhelmed she had to skip part of the letter because it got too much for me. Then she had me practice talking to a pillow. I had to say "It's enough now. Go away" over and over and over again, until I was able to say it with more and more conviction in my voice. It was directed towards a man nearly twice my age for something he did to me. It was awkward, difficult, hard, embarrasing, shameful and overwhelming. Eventually she'd let me sit back down again. But at this point I started dissociating too much and she had me toss a spiky fysiotherapy ball back and forth with her to drag me back to the present.

At the very end she kept telling me that I've worked insanely hard today and that she was grateful that I am letting her help me through this. That she really wants to help me get better. And that she does not think me weak at all, she saw how much it cost me to work with her today. She asked me what I'd worked on today, and I couldn't quite answer her very well. So she told me instead. She told me I've worked on not avoiding. I continued our topic from previous session rather than avoiding it and not be prepared. I worked on not avoiding my emotions. I worked on my shame, I worked on my fear, I worked on setting boundaries, I worked on being present and not falling into a full dissociative state, I worked on recognizing my emotions, I worked on daring to brave the wilderness (she didn't say the last part - but it's what she meant).

When I left I felt perhaps a little lighter? Instead of mulling it over and going home to process I rushed over to a bakery bought some savoury buns and over to my friends house to be distracted by the twins so I could avoid my emotions and reactions.

When I finally got home I ended up making a mess. I'm dragging out all sorts of boxes from storage and going through them and throwing out trash. Old stuff that's mouldy or just not needed. But most of all that makes me feel good is that I managed to find some patterns and fabric and "dummies" for the "uniform" of the Toxic (and containing some abusive members) group I was part of that I left "recently" (2ish years ago? timeline is hard for me) and I threw it in the trash. It felt good to get it out of the house. Almost like it's been lying around secretly polluting the place.


This was a very long post, and if you got to the end of this:  :bighug: that means alot. Although I wrote this down mainly for my own realization and contemplation and processing, it means alot if you read all of this. I know it's long.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 26, 2018, 07:49:36 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 24, 2018, 08:03:35 PM
sceal, i see every bit of these 'ramblings' lately as you getting closer and closer to where you want to be re: being the narrator of your own story.  that goal is realistic, it's on its way, and you're getting nearer and nearer to it.  the fact that you could describe what it would physically be like when you begin forcing the pus out says so much to me.   in time, i'm betting, you'll also be able to begin describing what it would be like emotionally to do that.

you're getting there, sweetie.  you really are.  i don't doubt that eventually the day will come when you feel strong enough to open that door wide enough, raise that window high enough to just let the pus flow out of you into the universe, which will take care of it for you.  i'm so happy to see this progress, even if you can't see it. 

this is tough stuff, and you're much closer than you were 6 mos. ago.  standing with you, giving you a nudge when you want it, or just being there for you when you need to be still for a bit.  it's all good, honey.   love and a warm, caring hug full of strength and energy.

It's not the first time you've told me I'm making progress. I wish I saw it through your eyes. Because for me, it really doesn't feel like it. To me it more feels like the mountain before me is really just a gigantic ice-berg beneath the surface that will be impossible to overcome.  And some days it's good to hear you think I'm making progress, and somedays it's frustrating because my reality doesn't match up. But despite that I thank you dearly for being here for me.  :hug: I don't quite know how to put it in words, how much it means for me that you keep being there. Despite you going through your own mess with the conflicts at home and the scary move on the brink.

Quote from: Deep Blue on June 24, 2018, 09:28:13 PM
Sceal,
I'm standing with you too.  I think it was Milne that said,  You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

You are doing a great job.  We can be here to support you while they are on holiday too.   :grouphug:
Much love and strength to you  :hug:

Thank you so much, Deep Blue. Milne's words are quite nice - and I hope they one day prove to be true for all of us. That we see it ourselves I mean.
Thank you for being so supportive of me, I don't know why I deserve it, but thank you deeply. I hope I one day can be as supportive to you as you have been for me.  :hug: I think of you daily, and send you warm thoughts. I want you to know that.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on June 26, 2018, 09:17:06 PM
I read your whole post. According to your T, you're making tons of progress  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: and you worked really hard today too :cheer: I think it's great when a T takes time to tell us that kind of thing when we can't see it for ourselves.

fwiw, I've been told a few times that when I feel 'all at sea', have no idea what I want or where i'm going that I'm on the brink of a new realisation. Something's healing, something else is coming up, maybe old convictions are being laid to rest. It has worked out that way too. Seems there's something in it.

"She believes I one day will be strong enough to work full time, she says she sees so much potential in me and so much resources - these two concepts aren't new to me. I've heard them from various other people before, but despite my apparently resources and potential I am still not able to utilize them so that I work. I suppose it is in a way comforting that someone in my real life actually believes in me. I don't fully believe her, but it is still a nice sentiment. Yet it is causing me some distress. Mainly because I've been grieving and stressing about accepting that I wont ever reach that state, and now she comes and says this with such conviction it increases my internal stress center again. Because I was working on adjusting to accept a realistic outcome for my life, but now she's trying to spark a hope in me. And such a hope is so dangerous, because if it doesn't come to fruit then... the hurt will be so much greater, the grief will be too much too heavy for me to bear."

It's nice when people see so much good in me and resources and strenght and all that, but I haven't had good experiences with therapists and other people who have consistently seen and insisted on a different outcome for me based on what they see as opposed to what I feel. It always felt to me as if I was not being taken seriously again (just like in FOO), as if I was having to prove how I felt and why I had come to that conclusion (just like in FOO). I don't know if it feels similar for you, that might just be my take on it because of my past.

Even if you and I and others can't use our resources and strength to work / work enough to fully support ourselves, we can use those resources and strength for other meaningful things e.g. own recovery, friendships, children (those twins), posting on here and supporting others, and even just feeling happy from time to time  :blink: - a difficult example for me. In your case also art. My and your time and effort spent in therapy isn't a waste or anything like that. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 26, 2018, 09:18:58 PM
my dearest sweet sceal, you don't have to feel or believe anything i tell you.  you may not be ready yet, and there's nothing wrong with that at all.  i put it out there, tho, because it's truly how i'm seeing you, and it's also pos. vibes that i want to send your way.  i think that the more pos. vibes we have around us, the easier and sooner they can have a pos. effect on us.  it's what you give me, in case you didn't realize it, and it's helped tremendously.  i'm just returning the favor.

congrats on getting rid of that old toxic stuff.  see, i view that as another step in progress.  sometimes we hang onto stuff and we don't know why, but we do know when it's time to get rid of it and move on.  that's exactly what it sounds like to me here.  you are letting go of junk from your past that's just not necessary for you to keep any more. to me, that's progress.

it may not seem like a big leap and bound that you're looking for, but i know that many times i've had to be seen thru the eyes of others as far as what i've accomplished before i could see it with my own eyes.  and, what you went thru with your sa lady, well, that's tremendous.  i'm glad she was able to point out all that you were able to do that is so very important for healing.  you're doing it, sweetie.  you really are.

i was at a point not too many years ago where i was convinced that i was basically housebound, accepted myself as such, and had no vision for doing anything else with my future.  i felt i was dying, and i accepted that, too.  as miserable as i felt, i made the trip from mexico to visit my d for xmas.  i believed within me that i would not make it to another xmas, and i wanted to spend that holiday with her (i hadn't celebrated xmas with her for 15 yrs, so this seemed really important.)

she and her roomies were close to having no xmas. she had no gifts under their tiny little tree. they had gotten gifts from their parents, so those boxes were present.  it almost broke my heart that they weren't giving her anything, and she's always made sure to go out of her way to get them stuff for celebration days.  i was not going to let this happen to her.

luckily, i'd saved money to take her shopping, got gifts for everyone, paper, bows, the whole kit and kaboodle.  i was also bathed in acceptance and kindness in their household.  my spirits were lifted, i was seeing the situation in which i was living with my hub whole and true for the first time (lots of bickering every single day) and it was the first time i actually said 'i don't want to go back to mexico.'

i did go back, took 3 weeks to recover from that trip, but within months my hub broke our relationship, and i made the move here.  i found this place to live, got physically taken care of (cancer surgery, which had made me sicker throughout my system), and began to feel better.

now my d and i are moving this week, and i've already begun outlining workshops to present to whomever may be interested.  3 yrs. ago, the idea of presenting workshops didn't even appear on my horizon.  like you, it was all black in the future.  thru this continual healing work, at which you are showing such determination, such pluck, such courage, my vision for my future is completely different.

at the time when everything was all black, i never would have thought this day, this change, would have been possible.  i guess what i'm saying is that there is a reason you continue to plow thru the muck of your past, why you keep working so hard at this.  i only hope and pray that the sun will soon rise up over your horizon and scatter that blackness.  i love you, sceal.  embracing you in a hug filled with hope and a new vision.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 26, 2018, 09:22:24 PM
Sceal,
I made it through your previous post.  I saw so many things that I can relate to in therapy.  That feeling of shame; rocking back and forth; I often find myself in fetal position during therapy.   :Idunno:  I avoid eye contact so much in therapy that I don't think I could even tell yuh the color of my T's eyes.  I think throwing a ball would be a good way to help me get more to present too.  What a clever idea.

Thanks for saying you think of me.  It means the world to me.  I don't think we can heal alone.  I look for your posts and think of you each day too  :hug:

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on June 26, 2018, 09:30:07 PM
P.S. Going through stuff and throwing out seems to be cathartic and a Good Sign for lots of people, not just me.  ;D
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 29, 2018, 03:03:32 PM
Wow! So many people read through my long post with various thoughts and reflections! I'm... It means alot! Thank you so much.
I will try to break up your answers into two posts if this one too seems to get too long!

Dear Blueberry:
I still have a few items left from Her. But I like the items themselves, and I'm in two minds about getting rid of them. I want to get rid of their meaning though - and I have yet to find a way to do that. But throwing out clutter - definitively cathartic!
I really did work hard in the last session, thank you for validating that for me. It helps me to validate it for myself too. I too have had the same feeling you describes, that they werent taking me seriously - or that I once again failed to communicate the debth of the situation and it's impact on me. And proving it, oh man! Having to prove everything all the time! It's exhausting. Although I wasn't feeling that my SA-support didn't mean it like that, not there and then. Although now I'm wondering if I should be more careful.
QuoteMy and your time and effort spent in therapy isn't a waste or anything like that.
This is an important thing to remember. And I will try to focus on that. So many times I've been told I need to take care of myself before others, before I'll be able to deal with stresses of work and everyday life. And now that I'm doing that I feel people are growing impatient because I'm taking so much longer than what they were expecting.  :doh:

Dear San
I am always surprised at how much stuff I accumulate. I have 3-4 "spring cleanings" during a year, and each time I find heaps of stuff to throw away. (No, I'm not a hoarder :D ) And it feels good to declutter. It's almost as if I'm decluttering my mind too, although that's not true. But it feels better once I've cleared stuff out. And especially toxic stuff I'd just put in a bag and forgot about.

I am very happy that you managed to visit your d, and that christmas changed your life. Giving to others and seeing the impact it has on them - can be quite helpful in regaining hope that oneself is worth atleast something to someone. And by you changing your life, it meant I got to meet you, virtually. And I'm grateful for that.  I also know what you're trying to say - that things can change for me too. I know, they probably will. And they probably will change in ways I had no idea was possible - and I hope it will in a good way. But it's hard for me to plan or dream or work towards something that I cannot see.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 29, 2018, 03:07:50 PM
Dear Deep Blue,
Has your T ever helped you work through your feelings of shame, in that moment there and then when you're feeling ashamed? Has your T taught you how to fight shame by acting oposite? If not, it might be an idea to ask him or her to help you with that so that you can get a safer relationship with your T, and so that your T can help you move further. Shame-work is hard, it really is. And have you heard of Brene Brown? She's a researcher on Shame, she has some videos on Ted talk, and also her own webpage and a couple of books on the subject of shame. I highly recommend it. The mixture of these things helps me during therapy sessions to push through the shame enough to get something out of it.  Shame can be so destructive. So very destructive.  :hug:

And if you're alone balancing on one foot while counting backwards in increments of 3 also helps you bring back to the present. It's silly, but it somehow turns the brain back on.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 29, 2018, 03:17:15 PM
I'm spamming my own journal today. I just thought it might be better this way, than another looong post.

I haven't been doing so bad as I thought I might this week. I'm fairly okay, actually. Might be because I'm avoiding to think about therapy and the conversation with my SA-support lady. I should probably think some on it. Some more. get it under my skin.

But yesterday I went on a hike with my dad and my sister. It's a fairly long hike. The hike book suggested 4-5 hours. I think we spent 5-6? I'm not in shape so I was slowing us down. It's a hike from one mountaintop across several others and unto the last one. It's not as much up and down as it sounds like, it's mainly plateoued, with some hills here and there. I've never walked it before, despite it being so insanely accessible and incredible popular. I could tell why. It was amazing, the little bits I could stop up and look at. My gaze was mostly at the ground to avoid tripping and falling and twisting my ankles. About halfway my legs started to not work. And I became even slower. It was frustrating, while my sister was dancing back and forth. She was so happy and enthusiastic, it was great to watch.

I had been nervous about this hike. I knew it was potentially too hard for me. It was hard, but as it turned out not overly too hard. Just hard +. I did it, and I would like to do it again. It was out of my comfort zone to do this hike with my family, i felt I was dissapointment to them, slowing them down. It sucked, but they didn't complain, and I cross the finish line.  :cheer: :cheer: And it's a good step forward in my hiking goal.  :cheer: :cheer:

Today however I am craving carbs, carbs, carbs! It doesn't help I got my period on top of the mountains  ;D So today is resting day.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 29, 2018, 06:20:06 PM
Sceal,
Those are all excellent suggestions.  Shame is something I really struggle with.  When I'm talking with my T she usually asks me to name things in the room when she sees me depersonalizing.  She has be breathe and then asks me to name 3 things in the room that are made of wood, or name some things that are the color black etc. 

Much love to you Sceal.   :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 30, 2018, 12:40:09 PM
You're welcome, Deep Blue!
I hope it helps!  :hug: I'm glad she's helping you with naming things, that's also good thing. There's an app called 'What's up?' that could help you when you're not with your T.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on June 30, 2018, 01:18:33 PM
You are so sweet Sceal.  You are so selfless and keep thinking of me in your journal  :bigwink:  I will look up that app right away.
:bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on June 30, 2018, 05:43:43 PM
If I know of something that might be helpful for someone else, I of course will share the knowledge! Hope is vital, I know how hard it is without it.

I got a phonecall from my mum today. My uncle commited suicide yesterday. I didn't quite know what to say. He wasnt my uncle by blood, neither did he marry my aunt. But he was an uncle never the less. I didn't really know him either. Much like I don't really know anyone in my family. We have never talked about things that are difficult. Never talked about mental health, despite the fact I'm not the only one who has struggled. It makes me frustrated I guess, this lack of communication. This fear that hangs over everyone.
Yet, it's what I've been taught, and I find it hard to break the cycle. Although I try.

I don't quite know what to say to my aunt and cousin. I've reached out and said I'm sorry and asked if there is something I can do. And a part of me hopes they won't need me to do anything, because I hope they have others they are close to.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 02, 2018, 08:39:28 AM
I'm in this strange place right now. I'm scared to say it, but despite last weeks painful conversation with both my T and my SA-support Lady (I'm going to call her Lady L from now on I think) I feel okay. I am able to be alot more present, and feel the frustration of boredom.

Lady L gave me homework, and I'm sorry to say that I haven't found any answers to her quest tasks:
- Try to figure out what I find is funny
- When I'm chuckling - what's stopping me from laughing propperly?  Which thoughts and emotions do I get then?
- When I'm chuckling or experience something I find funny, should I wish I could burst out laughing?

She thinks laughter is an important part of life, and loves to make people laugh. I agree, it is important - and I wish I could laugh properly. Laugh from my belly, laugh without shame. Laugh without forcing it. I have two more weeks until I see her again - so I got some time still to figure this out. Or to start figuring it out. It still makes me feel like I'm broken. I wonder if it's because I'm so rarely in-tune with my emotions and that I perhaps think too much on things? So I deconstruct the funny part before I have a chance to react to it.  Just a thought.  I hope I will come to the place where I can laugh for real regularily.

My session with Lady T last week left me raw and skinless as I expected, but I also wonder if the session made me feel less judged by her - that sounds wrong. I don't usually feel judged by her, but I am constantly afraid she will judge me in an unfavourable light. Why this matters to me, I'm not quite sure of. I need to be able to handle that people dislikes part of who I am. I don't need everybody to like me, it may be uncomfortable to be disliked but as long as I have someone I'm certain that likes me I'm okay. And I am certain of that. I've never been able to deal with a fight with a friend, the only ones I've ever been able to handle having a fight with is my younger sister and my (good) ex (now roomie). And I think it's because with my sister I knew she could never leave me - she would always be my sister no matter what. And with my ex? I think somewhere deep inside I knew he wouldn't leave either. Anyway, with Lady T I'm still scared she'll think less of me. And I've dared to voice this to her, so she knows. I've been uncommonly frank with my fears in regards to her. I've told her when the thought of showing up to the next appointment is too frightening - because of her. I've told her when I've called her to ask for help that I'm so full of shame because I'm scared of what she'll think. And I wrote last week that I'm scared, again, of how she'll regard me. She doesn't always console me, which I think is the right way of her to deal with me in this matter - mainly because if she started going "I don't judge you." I wouldn't believe her. And I think she realizes that it's just as important for me and her that I am able to tell her when I am scared of her thoughts and judgement as it is for her to tell me she doesn't think I'm a weak human being.
There's some layers to this, I just realized, that I hadn't considered before.
- Does she think I'm testing her?
- Am I asking for reassurance?
For me in that moment I'm terrified of what she'll say next, my emotions are real. But perhaps they don't belong in that setting, perhaps I should attempt to stop being so worried at what she'll think of me? She has proven herself to be trustworthy on several occations. So where does this come from?

This journal entry went a completely different way than I thought it was going to go when I sat down to write.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 02, 2018, 07:44:30 PM
Going back a few posts, I just want to say I'm so impressed about all the hiking you do!  Even when it's difficult.  :cheer:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 02, 2018, 08:32:17 PM
Thank you Blueberry. I grew up in and around nature, and by hiking in the past it has really helped me manage my stress levels. So it's always been a big part for me. I even ice-skated to school in primary school during winter time because that was shorter and faster than walking around the lake or waiting for the bus or taxi. Eventhough it was scary being all alone in the darkness on a creaking ice - it was also freedom for me. I've always loved trees and forests, and I would cry bitter tears when my parents had to cut down trees in and around our garden.

For some time now, hiking became difficult for me to do. Due to weight, due to allergies but most of all mainly because of performance anxiety. Suddenly it became important to post pictures from hikes - preferably mountain hikes. About how far, and how high, and how often and how short time did I use? And the evil of comparing myself to others took over the control. I am trying to re-learn to myself the beauty of a hike for the sake of nature and exploring. Leaving all the other stuff behind. Weightloss, people and stress. It's hard still, but I'm working on it.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 03, 2018, 03:45:28 PM
I got no internet at home, and my landlord is not home. I hope I don't have to wait an unknown long time til we are back up and running again.

Appointment with Lady T today was both unexpected and also not surprising. We continued off from where we stopped last week, but this time I fell away really fast. Not directly into the flashbacks, but in a dissociative state. I was fighting to come back to me, but it was hard. It was like my body first got numb then didn't exist and simultaneously 2/3 of my brain became drugged down. Wrapped in a heavy fog it couldn't find its way out. While the 1/3 part of me that was somewhat present had a hard time thinking because everything was so incredibly slow and also got confusing about what I saw - which part was reality and which part belonged in the past.
I managed to tell Lady T before I disconnected completly so she helped me try to connect again.
While I started to disconnect she asked me if the ones inside of me were scared.  I made a note of the fact she referred to me as plural a few times, that there are more of me. Younger, smaller me's? We have never talked about me being split into different people/identities/ages before - and it makes me wonder - am I split? Without really knowing it? Has she seen something I am not aware of? I didn't ask her about it, I don't think I reacted much to her asking about the others inside me.
And sitting here, I am asking myself - Does it bother me? the answer is no, it doesn't bother me. And then I wonder but shouldn't it? and for that I have no answer.

We use the model of Window of Tolerance quite  a bit, and I have observed that I believe there are various stages for me below the Window before I fall deeply into dissociation. There is the numbing, there is the inability to do anything, and of course a mix of them and a mix of me being present.
It both helps and not to be aware of what is happening - and the fact I have no power over it when Amygdala decides it's time to protect me big time. I can't override it. No one can. Amygdala has too much power, but I can re-learn it what is considered a threat and what isn't. It just takes alot of hard work, and time.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 04, 2018, 06:27:51 PM
Hi Sceal, Just popped by to say 'hello' and to give you a friendly hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 04, 2018, 07:01:55 PM
 :hug: right back to you, Hope!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 04, 2018, 08:11:14 PM
Still no internet. Landlord is just as frustrated as I am.

I feel...empty again. Like nothing really matters. I don't want to do anything, I can't really mobilize my body to do much, I don't think anything matters.

I strongly suspect this is the aftermath of alot of heavy therapy work lately. My mind is going into self-protection mode - and it affects every part of my life. Shut down mode.

Funeral is in two days. I think about it, but again I feel nothing. I think this too is self-protection mode. From emotions, from thoughts, from ideation, from my Ms judgement and comments. I wish she'd just shut up.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 05, 2018, 10:04:22 AM
Still no emotions. But I'm exhausted. I can't seem to wake up.
My body is impossible to stir, and all I want to do is sleep.
I don't really know if this is me being underactive or if it's something else. I have been taking it easy - but I don't feel so good. Physically I mean.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 05, 2018, 02:52:56 PM
Hey Sceal
Sorry I've been away lately.  I think you hit the nail right on the head that it's probably the hard work you are doing in therapy that is causing you to feel this way.  I'm so impressed with your hard work and self analysis.  You are such a fighter honey and I have faith in you.   :hug: to you
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 05, 2018, 07:03:09 PM
I find it hard to see that myself, Deep Blue. I think it's just my stubborness really, the innate one. The one that's part of me, the one that doesn't belong to the cptsd or pd monsters. I don't want them to win.

I am binge eating carbs this week. It's comfort eating. I'm not even hungry. I think it's more.. something to do, something to comfort me. Because something, deep inside, or someone is very deeply hurt. And no one can reach her, or it. Or whatever it is. So I do things I don't want to, because I can't stop it.

My m got dangerously close to the reason why I'm sick yesterday. All my alarmbells were ringing. My parents doesn't know. I've often wondered how it'd be if I told them. She asked me about if I've decided to do the operation yet or not. I told her it's still on hold until I'm cleared by the psychologist. I told her I need to be strong enough first, to handle the confirmation that I'm not good enough the way I am now. She on an offhand note said I'm too good at down-talking myself.  And I quickly changed the topic to the weather. I hate talking about the weather. But the way that conversation was going was far more dangerous to me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 06, 2018, 06:32:15 AM
It's taken me years to understand this. But I think I finally understand why I feel like * after listening to m badmouth others. I think it's because it sets me back into an EF about all the years that I was bullied at school, and more recently in the group I was part of where I had to listen to them badmouth other members who weren't present - and I could never tell if I was being badmouth when I was away. It's not that I think my mom is a bad person, but she has this ugly habit of judging others harshly. Fair enough I didn't grow up with my f's siblings, and she in a way did. Not as kids, but in early adulthood before I was born.  But it makes me angry, I think both on her for her behaviour but also towards myself because I'm not able to stand up to her and say it's enough now.

But since I don't have any connection to the emotions I have to read what I'm feeling by other actions. And that takes time. Tonight I had awful dreams which allowed me to be frustred with my m. Completely unrelated to anything happening in real life. That combined with my utter lack of energy and willpower - it seems plausible. Awful, but plausible.

The funeral is today. I don't want to go, not because it's a funeral - or because I disliked my uncle. I didn't. I don't want to go because I'm not yet ready to be around people. I don't want to talk to people, or be around people - anyone at all. I want to keep isolating myself from the world. But it's not possible.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 06, 2018, 11:18:51 AM
Hi Sceal,
I just wanted to wish you the best for today - as you mentioned the funeral, and I hope that you manage to cope - wishing you strength to get through today - maybe the saying 'this too will pass' will help - it helps me sometimes to think that.
:hug: to you Sceal.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 06, 2018, 02:06:21 PM
Thank you Hope.

I went down to the SA support centre before I went to the funeral. I got to gather my thoughts, and get out of my head for a bit. I had a chat with one of the women working there (as "my" Lady is away on vacation) about standing up against my m's negative comments about other people. She suggested I wear a mental raincoat and let the negative comments trickle off me. It'll require practice, but it's a nice mental image.

The funeral itself was nice. There was more people present than I expected. The music was nice and the church itself is beautiful. I got to see some of my extended family - whom I haven't seen for a few years, and it was nice to see them. There was no.. I don't know the word in english "after-gathering", after the service. I finally felt the sadness, for my uncle and for his closest family. I held back the tears, and I was so tense in my jaw and my shoulders. My heart reaches out to my family - and although I feel I do not belong within the family I told my cousin to let me know if she needed someone to talk to, at any time.
I hope she reaches out. I'll reach out again to her soon. It was incredible unexpected and she's deep in grief.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 07, 2018, 02:35:17 PM
I'm still tired, physically and mentally. Probably emotionally too - although I can't quite feel that.
I'm trying to give myself some time and acceptance and kind words that I'm allowed to be tired. I've worked hard in therapy lately, I really do have. And I know I need to continue to work even harder if I want to progress and actually get away from this Monster, or have control over the Monster and get my life back rather than it controlling me. I'm dreading the hard work, well - no. Not really, I'm not dreading the hard work, I'm dreading the exhaustion that comes with it. The hoplessness I feel about not seeing the progress as I move along, about not knowing or understanding how far I have to walk (although, I think I should be grateful that I can't actually see how far it'll be). The lonelieness which comes with working with an invisible monster no one in my network knows about, and the loneliness that will come once I get through on the other side and figure out that I am a different person than the one I am today.  I am scared of these things. And I'm scared that I will never actually come through on the other side (please, don't try to tell me otherwise. This is my fear, and I don't want people to try and comfort me by saying "you will"- That to me, will make it so much worse).

Trigger Warning: Death and suicide

I've tried to analyze and work through my reactions to the funeral, but I've also discarded that being sad and torn and weary after a funeral is normal - even if I wasn't close to the person who died. I feel I should reach out and ask how they are doing today, but it seems silly when they aren't doing very well. They are grieving. I feel I should reach out and say something else instead. I just don't know what. I do beat myself up for being so worn out about this. My uncle was a kind and loving man, who had a lot of anxieties. And I wasn't close to my aunt or cousin either. But suicide is a different death than a heartattack or cancer. It brings up mental images, it gives me vivid and impossible strenous, anxiety filled dreams. And it of course touches on a side of me that I used to be. I used to be severely suicidal,  several times. And I still get the thoughts from time to time, I don't have any real inclination to do anything of the sort anymore. But I can feel the hoplessness that my uncle must have felt. It's so familiar.  I know it just too well, and it saddens me that he was so alone.
Trigger warning end

There were other thoughts I wanted to write down today, but it seems these took precedent.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on July 07, 2018, 05:54:00 PM
Sceal, I think not knowing what to say, not finding the right words is fairly common after a funeral. For those of us who can't reach our feelings or feel them, it might be even harder, maybe? Then add suicide to the mix. It's a tough situation. So please give yourself a break - maybe some self-care?

I know that some people who are grieving would prefer not to hear others' thoughts on the situation. They'd rather hear something plain and simple e.g. I'm thinking of you but have no words. / Standing with you.   The kind of thing we write on here sometimes ;) 

You're certainly allowed to be tired. All your hard emotional work and then realisations about your M.  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 10, 2018, 09:10:43 PM
Thank you for the validation, support and hugs. It meant a lot to me when I read it 3 days ago. I've just not really been in a state to reply.

I'm mostly okay now. I get tired-spells and I sleep for about 10 hours every night. Which is nearly twice as much as usual for me. I tend to be between 5-7 hours the last few months. (Which is good to be me).

I don't do alot during the day. I mostly sit still.  But my head is active. Telling me to stop being so lazy. Just get up and do things. Go for walks, work out, don't eat crap, draw-draw-draw, work on therapy - analyze why I am motionless, analyze why I eat crap, analyze my fear of drawing. And it's on repeat, repeat, repeat. These demanding, judging, scared thoughts. Not understanding why I can't just -do- something. Be productive. Make progress.

I think this is a common pattern with me. Once something emotional happens that's out of my control (i.e my uncles suicide) and I don't know how to act or be or what my own ideals and values are. When my inner compass is spinning wild, I make it more chaotic by pressuring my self on other subjects such as art, exercise, work, therapy, studies etc.

It's avoidance.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2018, 11:53:17 PM
my dear sweet sceal, i think these kinds of things are messy at best, especially when you have an emotional connection, such as your own battle with si.  perhaps you're in grieving mode and don't realize it.  i don't know for sure, but whenever i'm that messy, i've found that there's usually something like that going on for me.

it might not even be that you're grieving your uncle, but more that you're grieving the person you used to be - the one who was so gravely suicidal for a time.  you've passed thru that door, left that behind, but it is a change from what was, how you were looking at life, and this funeral may have triggered something regarding that change in yourself.

whatever, just some thoughts.  ignore them if they don't help. 

just know that my heart is with you as you go thru this.  perhaps some time on the porch might be helpful?  i could sit with you, listen to the sound of the waves, bring you a beverage, a blanket full of comfort and cozy, and just allow you to be until this passes.  sending love above all to you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 11, 2018, 12:33:00 AM
Sceal,
I'll sit with you on the porch if you like too.  I have lost 6 people in my life to suicide.  I have cried once in 3 years.  I cried at one of those services.

I know you have trouble laughing and experiencing that emotion.  I have trouble with crying.  The tears just don't come.  I imagine we are similar in this way???

Sending you support in whatever form you need it sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 12, 2018, 07:15:41 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2018, 11:53:17 PM
perhaps you're in grieving mode and don't realize it.  i don't know for sure, but whenever i'm that messy, i've found that there's usually something like that going on for me.

it might not even be that you're grieving your uncle, but more that you're grieving the person you used to be - the one who was so gravely suicidal for a time.  you've passed thru that door, left that behind, but it is a change from what was, how you were looking at life, and this funeral may have triggered something regarding that change in yourself.

Thank you San, it's lovely to hear from you again. I'm not sure if I'm grieving me, or maybe I don't quite understand what you're trying to say.

Quote
just know that my heart is with you as you go thru this.  perhaps some time on the porch might be helpful?  i could sit with you, listen to the sound of the waves, bring you a beverage, a blanket full of comfort and cozy, and just allow you to be until this passes.  sending love above all to you.
That means alot to me, San. Thank you. I would love to sit with you both, you and Deep Blue.

I am so sorry to hear you've lost so many to suicide, Deep Blue. It's an awful, awful thing to experience. Both on the thoughts of the person who had no more hope, and for those remaining left behind.
I also have problems with crying, I cry watching movies, but not generally for myself. It happens, but it's more rare. So I understand where you're coming from in this aspect.


---
I'm eating alot. Not abundantly, I'm not stuffing my face, but I'm choosing poorly and it's candy everyday in one form another. My head makes up excuses for why I should buy it or eat it. And sometimes I don't even realize what I'm eating until after I've eaten it and I see the wrapping paper. And then I feel disgusting, but it doesn't last. I think it's because I don't have a sense of my body right now. I am blind to it, until I see my reflection in the shopping window. Then I feel overwhelmingly shame. Yet I can't stop.
Another thing I've started doing is spending money. My internet broke down, then when that was fixed my computer broke down. I had to take it to the shop to get it looked at. And the young charming man behind the counter let me watch him as he worked on my pc, and we talked PC stuff. There was barely any other costumers, and it was a slow monday. But he fixed my problem - I had to buy two new parts. He checked them and installed it for me. And I didn't have to pay for the work he did for me, despite his poor fingers kept getting cut on my old cabinet. He was bleeding all over. But charming and cute, he laughed it away. And he cheered me up that day.
But I'm spending money otherwise too. I have a really low income.

And I can't help but wondering - what it is I'm trying to fill. There's a void that needs filling, but what does the void -really- need? The food and the spending of money doesn't even remotely help.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 13, 2018, 09:24:04 AM
when i've been in grieving mode, those are the times i eat the most.  that's what i mean by being messy - we don't seem to be able to think or do or feel clearly.  it's messy, and we often revert to unhealthy behaviors as coping mechanisms to get us thru.  i hope you're not being too hard on yourself for your eating - it comes with the territory.  when you're feeling more stable, the money and eating will get back to where they belong. 

TRIGGER WARNING - TALK OF SUICIDE    *******

what i meant by grieving you, and maybe i didn't explain it very clearly, is that there used to be a version of you that was suicidal, thought about it a lot, maybe even attempted it.  as you wrote in your post, you're not in that same place anymore.  therefore, you have changed, have redefined yourself, and you're not the same as you once were.

that person, that suicidal sceal, doesn't exist anymore.  however, this uncle's suicide may have triggered you to somehow remember what it was like to think like he did, to be in that much pain, to feel so alone.   those realizations, and the fact that you could've been where he was, may have sent you into a grieving mode.  grieving for the sceal that is no more, the sceal who has pushed thru that part of her life and is where she is now - a different, more stable version of what she once was.

we've all made changes, we've all made progress, and in doing so we're not exactly the same people we were in the past.  we've lost a part of ourselves, a part that was once very important to us, even if it was life-threatening.  when i quit smoking, even tho i knew for years how unhealthy it was for me, i had to grieve it.  it was no longer a part of my life, part of my daily being. 

every time i saw someone smoking, i'd get triggered, cuz i was no longer where they were.  it still happens at times, and those are often the times i'll turn to food to distract myself from the craving, or the distress at the loss of what i once did so regularly.   that's what made me think that you might possibly be grieving your old, suicidal self in a way, being triggered by what happened with your uncle.

all these changes we're making, they're all a mix of endings and beginnings.  our endings, even tho it's an unhealthy thing that we're ending, are still losses.  and losses deserve to be grieved no matter how glad we are that they're now in the past.  they deserve to be acknowledged, we deserve to be acknowledged, for ending an unhealthy practice and beginning something more caring for and of ourselves.

anyway, i hope that explains it better.   it's the best i can do.  if it doesn't make sense,  just ignore it.  these are thoughts that wander thru my own mind to help me explain myself and my own behaviors.  if they don't fit for you, that's ok.    we're all different.

i used to have a lot of trouble crying for myself as well.  often, i didn't cry at all.  it's only been in the past year or so, after i'd been crying at the drop of a hat but without any true meaning for it that i've finally been able to figure some of it out.  now most times my crying has meaningful focus to it - i was even able to cry over the mr. dumping me.  i've been dumped many times, but this was the first time i actually cried about it.  it was a revelation.

so, i think that as you continue your progress - and i see a lot with you - you'll also be able to cry for yourself more and more often.  at any rate, i hope you can be gentle with yourself as you go thru this period of distress.  sending love and a gentle hug full of clarity for you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 14, 2018, 09:11:32 AM
I think I understand what you're saying San, and maybe you're right.
I sometimes think about who I was back then, and I know it was me - but it doesn't feel like it. I also sometimes feel like I'm not me these days either. Perhaps because I don't feel I have a very strong foundation to my identity.

I'm thinking less and less about my uncle though, and less and less about the pain and suffering he must have been in - and the recongnizeable part for me. I think that's good. But I'm sleeping more and more. I slept for 12 hours yesterday and today. My roomie had to help me to bed yesterday because I was so shattered. And when I fell asleep I was full of stressful and anxietyridden dreams.

I had an incredibly * day yesterday. I felt just plain awful. I couldn't put the words to it, or figure out what triggered it. I went out and had some fresh air, it was nice, but not helpful. And I went to the store because I knew we were lacking in some groceries. And while I was there I bought some raspberries.
They were sweet and sour at the same time, and they were magical. They lifted the spirits enough for me to manage cooking dinner.

Today I managed to go for a slow morning walk. My back and hip and neck were stiff with pain. So I walked down to the "beach" and sat and enjoyed the birds and the water before walking back home.
I am trying really hard to not listen to the voices telling me in a very judgemental way that I need to diet again. Or that I need to move more, that I need to excersise and hike more. At the same time I'm working really hard to not listen to the oposite voice saying that I need more carbs. it's Saturday after all, it's the week-end, now I can definitively enjoy myself with some crisps.
I feel powerless standing in-between these two oposing thoughts and it feels like I, me - Sceal, has very little to say with what I want. Because the Thoughts are overpowering me, it doesn't feel like they are my thoughts. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 14, 2018, 11:33:22 AM
yeah, it makes a lot of sense.  to me, it sounds like you're in transition - not quite who you once were, but not yet who you want to be.  that would make sense to me why you don't feel like you have your own foundation yet - you're getting rid of the one that was given to you by others, but you're also in the process of creating your own.  you're just not quite there yet.

and, to my mind, that push-pull of voices would go along with that.  i can feel you fighting right now, and may i encourage you to keep on fighting.  that's tiring, all by itself.  no wonder you're sleeping a lot.  such a battle takes a lot of energy.

hang tough, sweetie.  i hate that you're going thru this distressing time.  i do believe it's part of the healing process, tho, so i hope you stay strong.  if not this time, then the next.  i don't want to add unrealistic expectations to your burden right now.  you'll do what you can as you are able, and that's definitely enough.

just keep taking care of yourself as best you can.  you're so worth it.  i walk down to the beach, too, at times, and it's a great atmosphere to just be with.  i love the sounds of the ocean.  sending love and a hug filled with strength, power, and energy - just as much as you need.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 15, 2018, 08:16:11 AM
Maybe I am. But as long as I'm being so conflicted and drawn in so many directions at once I don't think I'll figure it out.
I was talking to a friend I've re-connected with, who means alot to me, yesterday. She wanted to know how I was doing, and I told her Im not doing so great and she actually wanted to listen. That's rare for me.
I was unable to tell her much about why I go to therapy, but I told her about being drawn in so many directions it feels as if I'm just standing still and failing at everything, because nothing is getting it's proper focus.
She said maybe I need to make a plan, a primary plan and then a secondary plan. I suggested to do so until Christmas - she thought it was short-term. And I suppose she's right, but for me - right now. Christmas is long-term.
I asked if she could help me, and she said yes.  So we'll see how that goes.

I would love to get rid of the feeling of guilt of not being good enough, not enough to do everything. There is enough hours in the day, so I should technically be able to. But I'm not. And it frustrates the * out of me.

Trigger warning:
I keep having awful, awful dreams. The night before last I kept dreaming I had to move out, and I had to move to the Island of Dread (that's what I call it. It's a spesific Island real life where most of my abusers come from). And I had to move into this new place in a very secret way so that Mr. and Mrs. Dread wouldn't find out. And I was constantly on alert and hiding, and nervous and downright scared shitless. It was awful. I felt awful waking up.
Last night I dreamt about being stuck in a "relationship" with a man who R* me, demanded I stay naked and then would belt me. When he left the house I was forced to stay indoors, because the punishment would be near death if he found out I left without his permission. But someone came to visit, my Lady L, and she helped me get out of there. Called the movers and they came and I left within an hour, and had to find a new place to live. But then the dream started over again and I was back in that "relationship".

It's exhausting waking up. I don't feel like I'm having a good nights sleep. and I get tired again so easily during the day. I hope this doesn't continue, because then i'll end up not wanting to sleep. And I'll force myself not to sleep - and that is not going to be healthy for me.
Luckily both my Lady L and Lady T are back for a week next week. Before they both go back on holiday.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 15, 2018, 10:57:17 AM
Hi Sceal,
You brightened my day with your hug, in my Journal, and I've popped over to yours to offer a hug for you too  :hug:  I just read your last entry in your Journal and it's good that your friend actually listened to you and has agreed to help you make a plan - I really hope that helps, and that your friend will continue to be supportive in that way. 

Your dreams sound really tough to deal with - and you mentioned feeling exhausted - I really hope that you'll get a better night's sleep tonight - wishing that for you.

I saw a film the other day which had the theme of the film 'Groundhog' day - only the content of the dreams for the person dreaming were very unpleasant, but gradually she found a way out of the situation - and it made me think that maybe that can happen for us when we have bad dreams - I have had a lot of night terrors and bad dreams in the past, not so many recently - so I am feeling lucky currently not to have them, but I know how exhausting they can be.  I wish I could suggest something helpful to you, Sceal - but I don't really know what helps with them. 

I do know that when my night terrors and nightmares were at their worst, I was in a time of big transition - it was around the time I was becoming estranged from my FOO - and being out of that transition - they calmed quite a bit.  I agree with SanMagic that I think you're doing well and I would also like to wish you strength to get through this.

:hug: to you, Sceal.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 15, 2018, 02:56:04 PM
Sweet Sceal,
Sending you love and support.   :hug: The nightmares you described are ones that would no doubt make me wake up in the middle of a panic attack. 

A dear forum friend once told me that he sees nightmares as a sign that he needs to do some inner work around a particular topic.  Do you think that is the case? Or do you think your dreams were triggered by sharing feelings with your friend and the dread that can bring?

So much love to you.  I'm reaching out and holding your hand in this.   :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 16, 2018, 11:58:43 AM
ugh - i hate those nightmares.  they really do interfere with being able to fully rest our minds and bodies.  sorry you're going thru them.

sending love and hugs, sweetie.  as much as you need.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 17, 2018, 07:49:56 AM
Thank you both, Deep Blue and San.

I've heard the same before, Deep Blue that during dreams the mind is trying to filtrate or work through. I have slight reservations towards that though, but that's just generally because I haven't experienced that myself yet. I have always had weird, crazy, imaginatory, and vivid dreams. But not all of them leave me with unease, anxiety and fright - even if the topics are similar. But some of them do, and they leave an imprint on me the coming day.

---
I saw Lady L yesterday. She's back from vacation for two weeks, and then she'll be off again. She said as she gets to know me more and more I always come back to talk about my family. And I suppose she's right, but it's only with her, and here, I do talk about them and my difficulties with them. They never abused me, perhaps slightly neglected or were blind to what I needed as a child, but never abuse. Yet I do have a difficult emotional relation to them. Although, I don't think they actually know. Anyway, I was left with a feeling yesterday that I'm a little uneasy letting someone see that side of me. The one that is needy of confirmation, and not always capable of being independent. I don't like it. But, as someone else wrote in their diary, we all have different parts that paints a whole picture, without the different individual parts, things would be different than it is. So, I will try to hang on to that.

Because we also talked about my seek of approval, or confirmation, in absolutely everything. Everything becomes something I need to perform. My diary here, my sessions with my Lady T and Lady L, hiking, my ability to choose and read books for enjoyment. My choices otherwise also becomes something I need to perform in order to succeed. And when I never have the fundemental sense of success or feeling of being good enough, I seek it in everything, in hopes that one day I will find it. In hopes that I will one day find that I am good enough in something, anything. Although, of course, i secretly hope I'll be better than just good enough - when I first find it.  My Lady L said it sounds exhausting, and I have to admit that at times it really is. It really is exhausting. But I've no idea how to change it. Or how to not do it. Maybe in time I'll figure out that too, but for now that's also something I have to excell at. Which I don't.

Deep breath.

I'm going to see my Lady T in a moment, I don't know what this week's topic will be, but I hope nothing too heavy as I wont be seeing her for 3 weeks again after today, and I'm going to spend a few days with my parents out at the cabin. They are really looking forward to me coming out, I got reservations, but I feel I can't back out now. I'm sure it'll mostly be fine. I can always just step away for a bit if I need to. It's not like that they will sit ontop of me all the time.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 17, 2018, 08:02:48 AM
Hi Sceal,
:hug: to you.  Wishing you strength for all these things.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 17, 2018, 11:41:09 AM
Much love Sceal
:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 17, 2018, 01:32:36 PM
we're right beside you, sceal.  i hope it goes well with your folks, that you have a nice time away and find a bit of renewal and refreshment there at the cabin.  i love cabins myself, and i know you love nature, so maybe all around it will be good for you.

i understand the exhaustion part. having to be perfect was exhausting for me, too.  letting that vulnerability show, even a little, even if it's uncomfortable, is, i think, a good place to start.  being accepted as vulnerable, accepted as 'good enough', accepted as imperfect has helped me with these struggles.  i think you've already begun finding your way to your goal.

sending love and a hug filled with patience and acceptance of the person you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses.  they are all parts of what makes us who we are - i believe that, too. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 18, 2018, 10:22:35 PM
I've decided to go back home tomorrow. I enjoy the nature here and the air and the quietness. But I find I brought the wrong things along for working. Although, I don't think I would have worked.

My session with Lady T circled around my feelings about my discovery about moms perception when I was a child. about my anger and hurt regarding that, and how it has affected me and is still affecting me. How I feel guilty about being angry at her. Because why not dad? Why am I not angry at dad?  And I know my mom was a "victim of her time and social generation". But I am trying to allow myself to actually be angry with her, and that that is okay too. My Lady T said perhaps I can work towards forgiving her, it won't be an easy road. And I will have to do it again and again. But it will be better for me if I am able to forgive her this. Lady T believes I am viewing my mother in a very dialectic way. I can she was several things at once, and I do know she never meant me any harm. And I most certainly don't blame her for how the rest of my life has turned out.  So I will work on this.

Then we turned the topic onto radical acceptance. For those who have followed my journal here might remember that this is a topic and a theory that I struggle deeply with understanding. I have a hard time grasping how the concept of radical acceptance is different from forgiveness or accepting that bad things happen and not do anything to prevent it and/or how radical acceptance does not mean giving up. People have tried both here and in group to explain it too me. She gave me homework for the next 3 weeks that she will be away on summer vacation. I have to explore and read what I can find about radical acceptance and see if there is something out there that will help me gain understanding of the concept.
She used an example of a man who has been imprisoned, but who has not actually committed the crime. Every time he tries to appeal he gets rejected. That he can in a way choose to accept that the next.15 years he will spend in prison, 15 years taken away from his life. And accept that fact to reduce his suffering but without giving up fighting, by for example studying to become a lawyer to understand how to get out of there.  This example, of someone having lost so many years of their lives to the hands of others is the first example while people trying to teach me what radical acceptance is that is relevant to me. I don't feel I need to radically accept when the bus is late ( so what? It's always late. Prepare for it and it won't be a big problem).
But I still struggle with accepting certain things. I can accept that I can't change my past. That I can't change what my abusers did to me. But I struggle with accepting that because of what happened I my life, financials and future is broken to what it could have been.. Lady T says "could have been" thinking is bad for me, it increases my suffering and prolonges it. She's is probably right, but can I change my feelings about this before I've worked through the abuse?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 21, 2018, 10:40:43 AM
I might come back to this later, but I feel I have to write it down.

I picked up a book about the brain by a brain-researcher. And quite early on in the book she's describing group-mentality. Which is something we are dependent on for survival, how to cooperate and to follow orders and rules we've collectively chosen. But the danger comes when we suddenly find ourselves in an environment where the norms are destructive and the leader is even more destructive, what do we do then?
She brings out the examples of how the american history teacher had trouble teaching his school students about the powerful effect that Hitler had on the community in Germany, and how it became such a huge wave of influence that he decided to show them. It's a widely known experiment that has been made into a movie called The Wave. It gets out of hand, and the teacher regrets starting it. In the book she also mentions how there were a few people wanting to double and triple check the systems for both Challenger in 1986 and Colombia in 2003, but because the main body of the group didn't want more delays they got the doubting people to shut up - due to group mentality, and in some cases brainwashing.

QuoteThe brain researcher Irving Janis has said that you should be extra careful if you work closely to a tightly knit group that means alot to you. Then you can unconciously avoid opinions, thoughts and information that can upset the others. If you add working under stress, is isolated from outside opinions and have a very dominant leader - you'll be more vulnerable to brainwashing.

The red warning light should light up as a christmas tree when you observe that those who carefully voice their doubts are being hushed down and asked not to disrupt the group. It's unhealthy for the group if you notice that what you're doing is self-censorship. Because that might mean that there are others who might object too, but they aren't because they fear they'll get excluded. Self-censorship is creating an illusion of agreement that can lead to that no one else is protesting.
Loosely quoted from my translation

This section of the book hit me fairly hard. Because the group that I was a part of for 4 years or so became a huge part of my life. Although they couldn't keep me from being in contact with outside people, they did their best to talk trash about them and their opinions  in such a covert, and cleverly way that made me believe them at times. And I did self-censor myself. Alot. Because I was terrified, I was terrified of being thrown out. Of not belonging. And I had to hide my own, real, values, thoughts and opinions. I ended up hiding them even for myself for a long time. I didn't dare speak up, I nodded and I smiled, and I listened.

I've had a hard time explaining to others what it was like for me, how I felt I lost my identity and who I was when I became so intergrated into the group. Because they did treat me well too. They welcomed me with open arms. They would listen when I had trouble with outside people. They gave me possibilities I otherwise didn't have. They gave room for growth - although, into certain areas only. And they would hug me. And they told me they cared about me, they told me I mattered. They told me I belonged. All things I had been searching for, and looking for for so-so long. It broke my heart when I realized I had to cut the contact with them. I still feel like I can't explain it properly, what exactly it was that they did that was so toxic. Other than the one man who R* me, and SA and harrassed me sexually. But I am not able to talk about that yet - so I never mention that part.
They weren't a real cult like Jonestown. But I see in afterthought that it has very cult-like tendencies. And I'm happy I got away, eventhough it doesn't always feel like that.  It's taken me 2 years to feel I got away, 2 long years to stop looking over my shoulder or scanning the streets in town constantly. Although, I still avoid places, and I sometimes do scan the street.

I suspect it will take a while still before I do feel safe. Proper safe. Actual safe. But it's alot better than it was.
I have no idea what I will do if I do see them in town. I suspect it depends on if they see me too or not.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 21, 2018, 12:22:57 PM
sceal, thank you for sharing all this.  you are so precious.  i see you becoming stronger and stronger by what you say and think, and especially by what you continue to do.  you wrote to me about personal growth, and i want you to know that i'm seeing that in you as well.  these last 2 posts seem to show that very clearly.

delving into concepts such as 'radical acceptance' is huge.  i've only heard of it here on the forum but was unaware of it before.  the example given about the man in prison makes a lot of sense to me re: this concept.  it's like we keep fighting, but somehow change the direction so as to make our fight productive in an otherwise seemingly hopeless situation.  that's how i interpreted it.   i really like that idea.

i think that anger toward caregivers who have had their own problems in their past, and the difficulty we can discover about feeling and/or expressing it somehow is fairly common.  my parents i know did the best they could with what they were taught, how they were treated as children, and the family dynamics they came from.  i found it easiest to categorize some of this in order to get my anger out.

one category was their own woundings, what they went thru and what they were taught.  the other category was what they did or didn't do to me, how that affected me, and how i felt about it.  i did have to get thru the second category first before i could rationally deal with the first.  i had to feel the hate and the anger first, just on their own, as if these 2 emotions were directed toward any random person who caused me pain, a skewed perspective of personal expectations, boundaries, and behaviors, as well as an overall distorted worldview.

it wasn't till i worked my way thru this part that i could have room for seeing them as wounded people and feel some compassion toward them.    it took a while to sit with those feelings, allow them to be, but i've come out in a different place for doing so.  forgiveness, as a construct, i've decided to give over to a higher power.  in this way, i don't have to struggle with what it might mean.  i have a problem with that, so giving it up has helped me a lot to move on from the negativity.

i had a good friend who was part of a religious cult, and what you wrote about losing your identity rang true for her, too.  there was a lot of pressure on me to conform to the mores and behaviors of the part of the country in which i lived.  not quite the same, i know, but it was tough breaking thru even that to go my own way.  i can't imagine how tough it must've been for you to leave the group you were attached to.   those pressures weigh heavily on our psyche, and i agree with that author that brainwashing becomes easier thru self- censorship.

these are some mighty concepts you're tackling, sceal.  well done, my dear.  sending loads of love and a hug filled with strength and determination to keep on doing what's best for you, sceal.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 23, 2018, 09:31:07 PM
Oh wow! I had no idea you had replied to me. But I must have read your reply because it didn't pop up under "updated topics" for me, but I don't remember. I'm sorry, San! I must have forgotten.

I still have questions in regard to radical acceptance, but I will research a bit more before I write a post about that topic on it's own. So I'll get back to you on that.

My biggest problem with the anger-emotion is that I don't know what to do with it, I don't know how to act or react, I don't know how to channel it, I don't know if I'm allowed to be angry (generally speaking of the emotion, not spesific example) and I also don't know how it will actually help me, being angry. So I usually push the anger away. ( I seperate Anger from irritation and frustration - because those I can deal with. That's when I pick a fight. Not when I'm angry). But in the case of my mother, I am allowing myself to be angry. Not seethingly. But acknowleding that I am angry at her for certain things, and that's okay. It's perfectly okay, perfectly normal to be angry with your parents. Even as an adult. And this is new for me. I'm not going to tell her, because it doesn't serve me or her any good. And I think also, I'll just let it be like this for a little while so I can experience it before I work towards dealing with it.

Losing ones identity is hard. For me it put my reality filter in a skewed way. I stopped knowing what was real and what wasn't. At the worst of the times I had no idea if I were asleep and dreaming, or if I were actually awake. I still don't, for the memories that comes from those parts. But I try not to think so much about that.

----

But I want to complain about something else today. And this is non-trauma related.
I have a side of me that I really don't like. I am trying with everything I got to be open minded, and to not be so negative about other people's way of doing things.
I was trying to find a clever way of explaining all of this without actually saying what it's about - but that just made it too complicated. So here goes!
I play dungeons and dragons. I love storytelling, I love books, I love adventure. I always have, and DnD is perfect for this - although fairly nerdy.
I'm playing in two different groups, and I'm starting up my own adventure for people to play in. There are some overlapping players in the three groups. But I am finding it hard how some people are solving obstacles - to me it feels as if I suddenly have to be alert and clever and have to come up with my own sollution, and then for me it feels as if we're all together but playing seperate games - when what I want is that we work together. It seems though as if I am the only one bringing up the topics and complaining about it. Although I am trying very hard to make it sound as observations I've made that intrests me in how people do things differently. And although, I am really putting in an effort for that to be true. There is also a big part of me that is so frustrated that we're not working as a team.

It is a trait of mine that I don't like, because it is sounding an awful lot like "I'm right, guys. You should listen to me. My way is better. Then we'll all have fun", but when the truth is, they might not enjoy the way I want to play. I should adjust, I should be more curious. And I will work towards that, but I fear it'll take a long time as I've got so many other things I'm trying to work out and figure out that's kind of more important.

But only kind of. Because it is part of a whole, it'll be part of my identity of who I am. This behaviour. It'll also be part of how I work alongside others and connect with them, and see things in a dilectic way. Their way is both good and bad, and so is mine. It can be both at the same time. It really can.
Now, I just have to stop being such a perfectionist.  :doh:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 24, 2018, 01:44:20 AM
you made me smile at the end, sceal. 

you know, i think your observation on how you play and think about playing d&d (a 'game') and what you said after about how this can be transferred to real life was astute.  i've found that often i learn about myself or even others thru seemingly random experiences or situations, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  (my d is a d&d aficionado as well). 

as far as your anger goes, sweetie, it sounds like you're actually on your way.  what you said about being angry with your M, and that anger (as opposed to irritation or frustration) being ok seems to me to have answered your own questions to some extent.  you are feeling anger, you're letting yourself just be with it, you are allowing yourself to feel ok about feeling it - yep, that's a great start.

i do believe that this is part of taking that step into a place where you haven't been familiar or comfy with in the past.  you've broken thru a barrier that had kept you from feeling this emotion.  what good does it do us to get angry?  to my mind, it allows us a greater range of being ourselves as humans.  besides, keeping such emotions inside us, pushing them down into ourselves, is against our being true and real with ourselves.  plus, it ends up hurting us - the body keeps the score.

so, i'm very glad for you that you are allowing this anger.  you go, girl!  one giant step for the recovery of sceal.  love and hugs to you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 24, 2018, 08:12:57 AM
Hi Sceal,
I've never played Dungeons & Dragons - but it sounds like fun, from how you described it.  I'm just popping by to say 'hi' and that I am thinking of you and wishing you the best and here's a hug, if you'd like one.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 25, 2018, 12:37:13 PM
Today I'm just eating, eating, eating. trying to fill a void.
A void of not knowing what to do. Of nothing in particular. everything seems meaningless today.
I was with my friend and the twins yesterday it exhausted me. Truly did.
Tomorrow I am meeting up with a friend and firday I got an appointment with Lady L. So I thought I'd take a rest day today. but it feels useless.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 25, 2018, 12:51:25 PM
hang tough, sweet sceal.  these days will come and go, and i know you'll get thru them.  standing with you, you're not alone.  this, too, shall pass.  love and hugs to you
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 25, 2018, 08:01:01 PM
Thank you San, for always being here. Listening and supporting. During the really heavy and hard days, the better days and the pointless sulky days like today.

I take contraceptions due to an hormonal disorder I got, but whenever I go off them for those mandatory 7 days, it has such a dramatic effect on me. I get sulky, moody, withdrawn, I give up more easily, more vulnerable - and there's nothing that helps. Some months it's worse than others - and this time around it seems to be one of those really dramatic changes. It's tiresome. Makes me want to stop taking the pills altogether, to see if the pre-menstrual days will be less dramatic. But I know that's just frustration and desperation talking. It's not life-saving medication, but it's potential preventable towards both diabetes and cancer. So, I think I'll choose my moody, sulky days over that. They will pass, even if I feel unable to do much of anything to change it.
I've tried mindfulness, I've tried distraction, I've tried just pushing through, I've tried self-care, I've tried avoidance.
But what sometimes help is whine. Hence why I'm writing about this here. I don't like whining to other people, I don't like showing this side of me. But everyone whines, right? Everyone is in need of getting their tiny, insignificant thoughts out in the open once in a while - even if they'll regret it later, right?

I remember my Lady T said to me during the first 6 months of meeting her - when I brought up this at the time. That it just whacks me completely out of center sometimes, and I don't know if it's that or other things (cPTSD). She said that she had also had such big troubles with this in her early years of being a psychologist she started doubting how she of all people thought she could help others, and what the * was she doing.  It took her a while to understand what was happening was simply hormonal overload/underload. I am very happy that she decided to not quit her job and stuck it out, because meeting her has changed my world, for the better. And it also shocked me at the time, that it affected her in such a degree. I'm not sure why it shocked me, thinking back on it... but it did. I'm glad she told me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 25, 2018, 08:27:50 PM
We all need to whine a little Sceal,
It's cathartic to get that junk out of you and not carry it around with you. 

:hug: just sending you support and love
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 25, 2018, 09:13:37 PM
 :hug: Thank you Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 26, 2018, 09:37:26 AM
Trigger warning: The subject of SA, R* and bullying is mentioned

I thought about continuing the thread I made for Radical Acceptance, and it might get more viewers if I do - but that's not really my incentive. Also reading through the previous posts made me more emotional and not in a good way.

My Lady T has asked me to research Radical Acceptance while she's away on vacation - incase I come across something online that helps it explain it to me in a way that makes me understand it in a way she was unable to do.

I've understood that radical acceptance is a tool that is to take away the suffering, not the pain. So in a way to lessen the chance of becoming/being destroyed by suffering. And then further opens up the door so that one can work through the problem, or live a better life with oneself and ones past. It sounds very nice. But I still struggle with it.

Marsha Linehan says: So what's Radical Acceptance?  What do I mean by the word 'radical'?  Radical means complete and total.  It's when you accept something from the depths of your soul. When you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body.  It's total and complete. 

When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it. It's when you stop fighting reality.  That's what radical acceptance is


I find that I can accept things in my mind. I can accept that I was in a sexually and manipulative abusive relationship when I was young. I can accept I've been r* multiple times, by different men. I can accept that I was excluded and bullied for a decade. Because it happened. I can accept it happened, but only in my mind. Not with my body or with my heart. They keep fighting. Because I fear that by accepting it with my heart and body, then I in a way approved of it. And then they won. Then they destroyed my chances of having the life I dreamt about, the life I tried building.  But perhaps if I do accept it, it'll be easier to work through the pain - to heal, to move on? And yet, I am terrified that I then say it was okay. I think also, somewhere deep dark within me, I am scared of healing - because that is a life I don't know what looks like. I don't know what to do with that. What is known is safe, after all, even if it hurts. But then, that definitively means they won - and that's not okay at all. They are NOT going to win.

The second part of starting to accept is to look at the events and analyze it, see if there is a cause to it. I think cause is a terrible choice of word, I'd much rather go with circumstances. Marsha Linehan uses an example of a child biking in the street in full speed and then get hit by a truck and dies. It's a terrible accident, but since the child was biking in the road, and there was no stop signs or anything warning the truck driver - there is a cause for it. It should have happened, and it did. The way she explains this example is straightforward to me. I understand why I ended up in the abusive relationship I did. But my life started before there, the causes for me ending up in that relationship started many-many years before. Namely the bullying. And I can see no cause for that to have happened. It was at school, there were plenty of teachers and adults around. My parents could have digged and asked and noticed when I changed. I was the only child in my class that didn't know anyone, that came from a street where no other kids my age lived. There were plenty of warning signs. They had every option to stop it, or to notice it. To notice me and talk to me as a child.
Now, I'm not angry at them. Not really, I truly believed back then and now, that I truly did deserve the bullying. I didn't belong, and they made dam** sure I knew. But there were stop signs. It could have been prevented. So, how do I accept that with my whole body, mind and heart then?
She also says that sometimes we wont know the cause. But we still have to accept it. Perhaps it is possible to accept it without knowing the cause, i mean we accept it when we get pnemonia despite not actually being able to see the bugs ourselves. We accept that gravity exists, despite not knowing what's actually causing it.  But it'll need alot of work.

She says that it needs to be practiced, that it's part of letting go. Letting go of tension within us. And saying yes to reality.:
You know acceptance, it's all about the word 'yes'.  It's yes to reality; it's yes to the moment; it's yes to just what is. 

So another way to practice it is you could just walk outside, maybe late a night, look up at the stars and you could just say the word 'yes'. It's yes to the universe.  You could go out and practice every night.


I like the thoughts of this. Perhaps I'll try that, eventhough I cannot see the stars at night these days... As there is no night.



I will continue to write one more post about this later on, but now my laundry is done and I need lunch.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 26, 2018, 01:23:45 PM
sceal, as i was reading about all the things involved with radical acceptance, your perspective on it, all the layers and parts, the thought occurred to me that maybe thinking about all of it at once might be overwhelming.  you then listed what you are able to accept, and where - in your mind - and you're comfortable with that, but that you might be stuck there because of future misgivings.

may i suggest that you break this down in order to have smaller pieces to accept?  i don't believe we have to take a concept and swallow it whole, so to speak.  we'd choke on it, just like on anything too big for us.  so, you have some pieces you've accepted at one level.  ok, that's a good foundation.

then, to move ahead, there may be several ways to go.  you might take one of those pieces (like one r*) and see if you can accept it into your body or your heart, see what that feels like, and just be with it for a bit.  that way you can determine a comfort level and how long you need to become comfy with it.  when you're ready, you could try it with another piece, or accept the first piece into the third place, and see how that feels.

it's small steps again, an easier way, to my mind, to effect change.  kind of like easing yourself into a hot tub a little bit at a time, allowing body parts to get used to the temp. of the water before lowering yourself in further. 

just a thought.  it's a huge concept to wrap one's head around.  take your time.  i don't think there's a deadline for these kind of things.  wishing you the best with it.  sending lots of love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 27, 2018, 06:54:44 AM
:) This is me trying to break it down, San.  :hug: First get an overview and an understanding, then slowly bit by bit figuring out which part I can take on at once.
And I think it's the r* and the SA that I am unable to really radically accept. I think it's too big for me at the moment. I think I need to start with something way simpler and smaller and further away from me.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, one I met in DBT (although we're not supposed to socialize outside, but whatevs. We're both done), and I asked her for her perspective and it made me realize that it might just be a bit too early for me in the process of working through my traumas for doing radically accepting on these topics. That I'm simply not there yet. I will try to limit the thought-patterns of "If only that hadn't happened, then maybe my future/present would have been better, and I would have accomplished my dreams" and try and catch myself when I get them and try to say them differently.  My friend also said that it's not accepting what happened but that it did happen. And that grammatical difference there is huge. And for me, it helped. I'm going to continue doing the last bit of the research on the topic, and write the end of it.

But for now, I think my conclusion is that it's not such a terrible, awful thing. But I'm not yet ready for it.

Thank you San-darling, for giving me your thoughts and support.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 27, 2018, 03:11:29 PM
Today is a good day.

I went to bed reading that brain-book, being frustrated that it wasn't getting dark enough for me to sleep. I had some stressful dreams, that I kept waking up from and falling right back into. Stressful, but not scary or anxiously.
I woke up around 4, sat and looked out the window at the sunrise, well... not really the sunrise, because it was already up - but more the pastel colours of the sky, before I lay back down again for another 3 hours of slumber.

Once I got up I did my usual reading the news, reading this web-page, checking social media and I found a call out to artists all over to join in for an art exhibition. It's probably out of my league, but I'll see what I can come up with and send it two pictures for judgement and hopefully they'll like it. If not, it's a practice in art and practice in art-rejection.  I'm somewhat, strangely so, optimistic about this.

Then I put on a sundress I've had for god knows how long. It's a little short and I've never worn it without tights. But it's over 30degrees C here today, and barely any wind. I needed to dress for the weather. But this dress is short in the sense it's above my knees, and thus showing the backside of my knees - which I'm super concious about. They are ugly and disgusting and show quite clearly my obesity.  So I packed my bag for town, my sketchbook and a change of clothes. Incase I was pushing my comfort level too much.

I went to the SA support senter and waited for my Lady L. We had a nice conversation, although I was very emotionally disconnected. I felt fine. Or rather, I didn't feel much at all. We talked about my relationship with my family and I said it's gotten better. I have less tension around them now than I've had before. It's probably a mix of various things, such as me being more curious about my mother. Her experiences and what she thinks on certain topics, and also I think I'm being better at not letting the emotions get the upper hand of me around certain topics. Even if they involve me, I'm curious about how the experience was from HER perspective, so I make less assumptions. It also helps that she's generally in a much better mood. I feel somewhat closer with my father too now, it's easier to talk to him. Not about heavy stuff, never that. But the small talk is easier, and I'm move involved in his projects and I think he likes that. So the connection is better - and it makes me better. Much like I don't want to say I have a favourite, same as parents wont say they have a favourite. I've always looked more up to my dad than my mom. Not because mom is less, but - actually I don't know why. I'll have to give a think about that.
Lady L said it was wonderful, and she's happy for me. And then we changed topic. I said I don't feel like I'm done talking and exploring the subject of worth and value, and that I would like to focus on that at some point, but not right now. So we continued where we left off with me talking about what happened in and around that cultish-like group and J and his wife's seperate abuse of me. It was hard, I don't talk about this really. Because I don't know how, and more often than not my tongue becomes like lead. I still talk only generally - enough that she knows what I mean. Like I always use the word "assault" rather than "R*", because I can't say it out loud. But I talked more about it this time than ever before. and I admitted things I didn't intend for her to know, it came out and I regretted it. But interesstingly enough: Extremely little shame. Usually the feeling of shame has the power to knock through the filter of emotional disconnection. But it didn't today.
And that is interessting because I think either :
A) My emotional disconnection was stronger than it has ever been before
B) My shame is starting to slowly ease down a little.
C) It was just  a "freak accident" of the day.

That doesn't mean I didn't have reactions though. Because my body did react. I suddenly became very nauseous and my muscles tensed up. So I told her that, rather than pushing forward what I'd normally do. My body told me to stop, it was too much and I actually listened without getting overwhelmed and dissociated.
How wonderful isn't that?!

I rushed from Lady L to a lunch with my mother. In town. This, in and of it's own is a miracle. My mom strongly dislikes going to town (she wouldn't have if it wasn't for the fact she had an appointment in town). But she had invited me for lunch. In town. At a restaurant. That too in and of it's own is a miracle. For years and years and years now all we've ever heard is her sighing and groaning and muttering and loudly exclaiming that the food in town sucks and she can't eat any of it because her stomach flares up. And she's been completely impossible to go out for a nice dinner. Even when we've tried finding a place where the food is agreeable with her. So how on earth could I refuse?! We sat downtown, outside in the shade and enjoyed a meal that wasn't amazing, but the beer was nice and the day was nice - and the conversation was nice.

And now I'm home, and I feel good.  I've made a mess of the appartment (again). and that bothers me a little. But I'm going to try and move two pieces of heavy furniture. And in order to do that I needed to clear away stuff to make it lighter. Hah. "Lighter". I'll need my roomie to help me out actually lifting it over the door threshold. But I can do the rest on my own.
I don't like clutter. I really don't. It distracts me, and keeps me unfocused. But, somehow I have the inability to tidy up after myself once I've started a project.  Resulting in me constantly cleaning and tidying BIG parts, and it is never tidied up.

Later I'm going to go out and take photos of people and of the city together with a friend. And I'm also hoping to get a glimpse of the lunar eclipse. It might be too bright light for us to see it properly, but the next time it's going to happen in the same manner will be in December in 11 years or so. And December in my city = Clouds. Clouds, clouds, clouds. So... Best chance is now.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on July 27, 2018, 05:36:25 PM
So strange that I was up in the middle of the night last night too.  You have an incredible ability to keep on keeping on.  So much love to you
Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 28, 2018, 03:59:12 PM
Dearest Deep Blue,
I am terrible at giving up. I might take rests, long rests. And I might have to change my point of view or tactic and adapt.. But I am very good at not giving up. Even when I've lost all hope, and I've pushed away all emotions and nothing has any meaning. I keep doing things people tell me helps, and sometimes excruciatingly sowly it turns things around.  It's a circle I'm stuck in. But still, I will pat my shoulder and thank myself for the ability to never give up. :D

I'm trying a new tactic - where I'm complimenting me. It's strange. We'll see where this is going!

---
It's been a very warm and sunny summer! Very! I live in a place where this is quite unusual.  I feel like I'm drying up. But I've been on enough vacations with the experience of heat strokes, that I know how take care of avoiding that. Plenty of water, salt and a little sugar. Stay in the shade, no excersise, remember to eat, and just breathe. But today I've had to clean the appartment. It's been a crazy-crazy messy and dirty. We re-arranged some furniture, and that always creates a mess. I've been sorting, throwing and finding new smart sollutions all day. I feel like I've sweated an ocean!
I also went out to get a few flowers for the bedroom. I got Lavender, Aloe Vera and Snake plant. Hopefully the Aloe Vera and Snake plant will oxygenate the air at night, and the lavender will have a nice scent and reduce anxiety.  Also - I hope they survive. I'm terrible with plants, I neglect them.

And then I got a surprise package in the mail. From Poland, and I got super confused, I don't know anyone from Poland. It turned out to be a friend of mine who had purchased two expensive books for me through a polish site. My jaw dropped to the floor. I am so incredible fortunate to have him in my life. He rocks! And I told him as much.

I still am going strong otherwise. But there's a nagging feeling at the back of my mind. something Lady L said yesterday, but I don't want to deal with it, so I've put it to the back of my mind. For now. I have things I need to do first. Like cleaning and reading. And rest.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 29, 2018, 02:02:47 PM
sweet sceal, how wonderful to read all this.  i just love you!  your determination and insistence on continuing to move is both hopeful and inspiring to me.  way to go!

i agree that a change in words can make all the difference, and i'm so glad you found that, and that it helped you.  it sounds like you've also wrapped your head around exactly what you might and might not be ready for tackling yet (in your radical acceptance domain).  to my mind, that's part of breaking things down into pieces we can deal with. 

very glad your get-together in town with your mother went well, too.  and that you're connecting more easily with your dad.  i favored my dad,  altho i loved them both.  there was something about his charisma that attracted me, and i always wanted to be like him rather than like my mom.  i pretty much accomplished that in my life and i'm glad as to how i turned out.

keep moving, sweetie.  you're doing such a wonderful job, great work, and it's so good to hear that some of those things you can notice a change in.  love and hugs, you beautiful thing.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 30, 2018, 07:07:55 AM
Thank you, darling.
I do feel stronger, I'm not quite sure what the turning point was. And I wish I knew. I really do, every time I get these good cycles I can never figure out what it was I did that turned the cycle. But whatever it was, I hope my subconcious remember once I lose my "high". :D

Favoured! That was the word that I was looking for. Yes, I favour my dad. My mother has a lot of good qualities, she's creative and she's practical, and she's weird. And I enjoy those sides of her. My father, I don't know. I guess he took me on to hikes and drove me around when I wanted to go for a drive in the dark. And he taught me to count in a different language. He keeps teaching me things (as long as it's not math or driving , we're good. haha!)

I'm going back to the cabin today with my mother and my sister. Just the three ladies. The warm, sunny, weather is over. Now it's humid, humid, humid and rain. Thunder and lightening are expected. But it'll be fine.

I started focusing on losing weight again a few days ago, and so far it's going well. I'm hungry all the time, but I'll get used to it. The important part is to stay away from temptations. This will probably only work until I'm back in therapy - because then those matters will be in my forefront again. But until then - I hope I have gotten into some sort of rythm that will help me.

Oh dear, I'm late. Got to run.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on July 31, 2018, 09:03:13 AM
Hi Sceal,
I hope you have a nice time in the cabin, and I'm just popping by to thank you for the lovely Hot Chocolate you gave me the other day, and how much I appreciated it.  Hope you enjoy today and I am glad you're feeling stronger.  That's so great!

:hug: to you, Sceal.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on July 31, 2018, 08:26:22 PM
Hi Hope, Thank you for popping by too.  :hug:

---

My stronger-self had a bit of a setback yesterday - which I am still working on.
The day started with me having lost more weight, and I was incredible happy for that. We went to the cabin, and when my mother and my sister fell asleep on the sofa in the early afternoon I decided to go for a short walk with the dogs. At that point there was no rain, but less than halfway through our walk it started pouring down. And when I mean pour, I mean to such a degree I couldn't see the road infront of me. It was intense, but also strangely nice. Wind was heavy, and the rain made puddles inside my goretex shoes. My rain-coat proved to be completely useless.
So when I got back to the cabin I had to hang my clothes to dry and change into my less than flattering PJ's. At the time I felt good about it. Because I went out with the dogs. Because it started pouring down and up, and under regular circumstances would have been down-right awful. And because up til that point I had still avoided temptations.
Fast forward a few hours and we were having a kind of "spa"-hour. Just some face-masks really. It was funny, mainly because mom looked like the hulk. But then my sis took pictures of me too trying to remove my own face-mask. I'm not concerned about the grimacing and the various ugly faces I made. But my head was a tiny, tiny dot on top of a huge mountain of a grey body. It was AWFUL. I tried really, really hard to keep my mood up. To not let them see.
But I feel disgusting. Awful, dreadful, filthy.
I tried really- really hard to talk positive to myself. To remind me of the good things. To remind of my smaller achievements lately. To pay focus onto that. But no, it didn't work.
I tried to distract myself with taking photos outside. But they too sucked.
And today, I simply was not strong enough to resist temptations. It wasn't much, but it was there. I couldn't resist.
I felt awful on the inside, and no way of changing it other than stuffing things inside in hope to dampen it. But it just really made it worse.
It's alot of self-pity, I know. It's whining. I know.
My body IS amazing, for all that it's been through, and for the weight that it's carrying and still it's able to move about. But today I just simply cannot see it.
Today my body is filth and disgust to me.
And it hurts.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, social-wise. I'm going to be performing social-wise. And I'm nervous. And I'm scared that my current self-hatred will come in the way of my performance. And I hope I wont exhaust myself with distractions and stimuli beforehand.
But sadly, I know myself far too well.

The healthy-me tends not to last very long, but I hope, I hope really big that this is just a 2-3 day break in healthy-me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 01, 2018, 03:27:08 PM
I woke up to check I've lost more weight, and that helped on the self-loathing. It helped on being reminded that this will take along time, but progress is being made.  And I know that my view of my body is a complex-situation coming from various traumas as well as the general commercial brainwash everyone is facing every day.
I haven't worked out today though, I am pretty knackered.
I've tidied up a bit more. I found some journal pages from two years ago.  I was reading the pages and I know I was in deep, deep despair back then. But I didn't feel it off of the text. I was even more self-judging then than I am now. And boy was I hypervigilant.

I also struggled with some computer driver issues, and I decided to delete some files. but in order to delete the right ones I had to go through a bunch of them and J's name popped up. It appears I got quite a few photos of him still. I didn't look at the photos, but I accidentally saw pictures of EM. I felt myself closing off. I deleted them, but they are still in my brain. How can I delete them in my brain? The more I try not to think of them, the more they pop up.

I tried to rest today too. I had a power-nap, except I was just lying in bed ruminating.
I am going to run a game tonight, my campaign, my rules, my adventure - and I'm running it for 6 other people. Some new folks, and some old ones. They all know I'm nervous - but I am beyond nervous. I'm exhausted and we haven't even started. I'm nauseous. I want to call it off.
I know it will be fine. I've prepared. I know I'll stumble a little in the beginning, and no one will laugh at me for it.  There really is no reason for me to stress so much about it. But I am.
I am worried they'll be bored, think I'm lame, worried they don't want to play with me, that I'm not brilliant enough. I'm worried I can't improvise enough.
I'm worried I'm too set in my ways. I'm worried I'm over-compensating with the fact that if I just focus on this game, this world, these people - then, well, then I don't have to focus on me. And I am worried I'm shutting off my reactions to those photos, and those statements, and the last session with Lady L, that I still haven't processed. And I don't want to deal with any of this, because I want to be strong, I want to feel good. I want to FEEL the progress, not drown in should haves, and should do's and perfection and performance.

Breathe....

It wont be a disaster.
I will be exhausted. I will be run down for the next few days. I will be a mess in my head.

What is wrong with me? We're supposed to have fun! I created it to have FUN.
I think I invited too many people. It's too far outside my comfort zone.
I'm scared.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on August 01, 2018, 09:56:32 PM
Hey Sceal,
May I suggest some baby steps? Go easy on yourself.  The cabin trip ended prematurely and you went back home.   If it's too much, then can you leave?

As far as erasing an image in your brain, I've been there too.  I really struggle with certain reminders.  I wish I had an answer, but I would say keep grounding when the picture pops up.  I was able to calm down and not get a panic attack last night by using the what's up app you suggested for me.  Thanks so much for that Sceal.  Please take care as best you can  :hug:
Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 02, 2018, 09:54:25 AM
I felt sick all day. Up until I started.
Then somehow I forgot to feel.

It of course went well. Everyone had fun. Although I realized I hadn't prepared enough, and I need to put in more work for the next month. I had fun too, by all means. but today I am spent.

I'm glad the app helped you, Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 02, 2018, 12:28:43 PM
no matter what, i love your body.  it's been holding so much for you in order that you could survive with your sanity intact.  i love it for that cuz i'm so very glad you're still here with us and in my life.

glad your campaign went well.  actually, i had no doubt.  very cool that you had fun, too.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 02, 2018, 01:12:29 PM
Thank you, San!  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 02, 2018, 07:27:20 PM
Today has been one of those days.
Which was rather expected. I've gained ALOT of weight over-night. It's demotivating, despite knowing it's primarily water-weight. It's impossible to have gained so much as the scale said, and also - I didn't eat that much yesterday. But, still it's demotivating. I went for a 15 min walk today rather than 20x2. But atleast I did 15.

I woke up early enough, but felt so crappy I just stayed up for about an hour before I went to bed again.
I forgot to take in the laundry yesterday, so they of course were all wet. I drove to borrow my mother's dryer, and meanwhile cuddling the dogs. They were being extremely in need of cuddles. To the point it was getting a bit much. Perhaps they noticed things were a little off with me, and wanted to cheer me up or protect me. Who knows.
I did some cleaning, and I made a home-made pizza, and I've listened to music. But I feel sad.
Not overwhelmingly sad, just sad.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Lady L. I still haven't processed what she said last session.
I was talking about my experience with cultish-group and their abuse. I was extremely detached, it became very businesslike for me. She said some things that I otherwise wouldn't have handled very well if I hadn't been detached.

I'm not ready yet to talk about it here. I tried, but I'm scared of how it will look. Now that I'm thinking about that conversation, I feel even more sad. She said she was on my side, and she didn't want me to feel worse. That I could e-mail her, but I blocked her words until now. Until having to think back, because I wanted to sort it out before tomorrow. She was giving the viewpoint of J's place, and how it could have been percieved. And I'm fully aware of it, but being told by someone else - is now making me feel like my experience was just something I should "suck it up". She tried to tell me before I left that that's not how she meant it.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 02, 2018, 08:13:57 PM
i know from personal experience how frustrating that weight-gain overnight thing can be.  i also know our bodies fluctuate greatly, even in as short a space as a day.  you've been doing a lot of exercise lately, between walking and workouts.  it could be that your body is building muscle, which weighs more than fat, and that's what's being reflected on the scale.

every time i've begun a workout schedule, i have gained 5 pounds immediately.  this has happened to me many times in my life, but it has always happened.  it just happened with my d in the last few weeks cuz of the walking we've been doing, and the weights we've begun lifting.  please don't despair - i really think it's your body readjusting itself.  you've been doing so well with all this.  hang tough, ok?

sceal, these cults are meant to prey on the vulnerabilities of people, whether religious or otherwise.  they are very good at what they do.  like any narcissistic entity, they skew our thinking processes so that we feel the need to take on the burden of responsibility as our own.   this is not on you, you were a victim here, the shame/blame is on them for whatever and however it might have happened, no matter how any of it - the people, place, situation, whatever - was presented.

sending love and a hug filled with compassion, clarity, and caring.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 03, 2018, 06:41:24 AM
Thank you San, for validating my weightloss, and for reminding me that it might be muscle - although I don't think so - I haven't done any weights recently. But thank you  :hug:

I'm not sure they qualify as a cult- but they have cultish tendencies. And I think they picked me, because they didn't have to break me first. Someone else had already done that.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on August 03, 2018, 06:03:40 PM
Hey Sceal,
Just thought I'd mention that quick weigh gain is typically salt you ate the night before.  It's not magical fat that has been glued to your body  :bigwink:  You have been working hard and I'm sure it's just a little salt.  :hug: to you if it feels ok
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 03, 2018, 06:08:16 PM
Salt and water weight, I can deal with that.
I got another tip from my Lady L today, that I might want to increase my protein early in the day to help me keep my bloodsugar level levelled throughout the day until dinner, and maybe then I'll have less of cravings when I get as far as dinner - and maybe eat less. I know I eat very little for lunch and breakfast.
So I will try this. I walked around abit in town, and then I went on the treadmill again today.
I even managed to draw and work towards my passion-project.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 03, 2018, 09:01:38 PM
Today was another difficult day.

I felt close to nothing when I got ready for the day, and headed out for meeting Lady L. I wasn't quite sure what to talk about, what I wanted to say. I just felt drained. But I got out and it wasn't sunny anymore, it's raining. And more the kind of weather I'm used to.
I got there about half-an hour early. Sat down and chatted with one of Lady L's co-worker. She'd had a lovely summer vacation, and I got complimented ALOT on my new haircut. By various staff members. They said it really looked like me, which was nice - because that's what I feel like too. That I finally found the cut that is ME.

I wasn't very talkative with Lady L. I was most likely under-stimulated. Or not under-stimulated, but in the lower end of the Window of Tolerance. We talked about body-shame and food. I told her what I eat these days. And that I have no problem sticking to my regiment during the day - but once evening comes that's when I start to struggle with cravings. I might not always eat anything, but I keep looking for something to make, or something to eat. Or keep thinking about food in such a degree it's taking over.  She suggested I eat more protein in my breakfast and lunch and maybe that it'll keep my bloodsugar levels more even throughout the day and lessen the cravings. Well, the physical part of it, not the emotional part that I'm trying to cover up.
I don't particularly -feel- emotional, but if I analyze my behaviour it's clear that there's something I am trying to avoid or trying deal with. Exactly what that is, I'm honestly not quite sure of at the moment.
I'm glad we didn't continue talking about the cultish group and J. Because she's off on her vacation now, and that'd leave me with alot to deal with on my own for the next three weeks without support.  But it also felt that I'm giving her an impression of me that I'm not quite pleased with.

I chatted a little with an artist-friend of mine and I got some thoughts towards my passion-project (it's what it's called when you're doing it just for you, and not for a particular purpose). And I managed to do a few thumbnails, and I got some thoughts down on paper in regards to it. It feels as if I've done more work towards that now, and that feels nice. I stopped for a cup of Cappuchino Surprise, which really was the best Cappuchino I've ever had. I did my doodles and my writing and art-thinking.

Once I got home again I ended up watching tv-shows that I don't really like. I don't like the acting, I don't like the fact that you know what's going to happen EVERYTIME before it's happening, and I don't like how the 15 year old is supposedly oh so wise, clever, brilliant and empathetic that she's better than the adults that's supposed to guide her into adulthood. It's an old Canadian TV show, but somehow - I can't stop watching. And sometimes I get moved, and I can't for the life of me figure it out. Afterward I went on the threadmill, and I felt more activated. More ready and energetic to do things. I made dinner and then I went back to photoshop and continued drawing on a portrait drawing I've been working on. And I'm quite happy with the result. Happy enough to post it on social media, I don't expect I'll get alot of traction or attention on it. But I hope that I'll be able to make more of them, and more that I can share publicly. And eventually it'll be good enough to get traction.

Tomorrow I'm babysitting for my friends. They are going to a wedding, and they aren't bringing the twins with them. I wont be alone with them, but I suspect I'll be the main one in-charge of playing and keeping them happy. I'm drained before I've even started. I am really scared of being super drained.
My food schedule will also be off. I'll be able to have breakfast and lunch, but not dinner until way too late - and that's going to be a problem for me. But I am so honoured that my friends trust me with their children, and that they are asking ME for help. I know I'm not the first one they have asked, because I'm not biological family to them - and they got plenty to choose from there originally. I hope they wont be fussy and crying all day, but more happy enough to play mostly on their own (Hah! I can dream!). I look forward to seeing them, and I will try to keep it in my mind that a few months ago the two of them was what got me through my weeks of dread. Their eagerness to hang out with me, and their huge smiles just because I was there. And the gratitude of the parents.
It's something I'm trying to hold on to, because It meant alot to me at the time. I really felt wanted. Which was new for me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on August 03, 2018, 09:50:32 PM
 :bighug:  have fun with the twins!

Since I'm the proud mommy of a 4 year old I have some tricks up my sleeve if you need them.  What age are they?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 04, 2018, 08:38:41 AM
I will! I'm charging my batteries before I head out! :P

They are 14 months, and no language yet.

----
I wrote about a downputting conversation I had with a friend in another thread. It is really bothering me, and I'm trying to let it go. But I'm struggling, I hope hanging out with the twins will put further distance on it.

I am tired though, and the day has barely started. Well, okay it started for me 2.5 hours ago. And ever since last night I just want to eat all the carbs. I'm craving the carbs, and I'm struggling really really hard not to make pancakes for lunch before I go. And I'm struggling to avoid defrosting left-over pizza for lunch. and avoiding thinking I can "just stop by the store on the way home and crab some crisps" because "it's saturday after-all", and "I'm going to be so worn after today, I need something pick-me-up tonight". Which I don't. I don't. I don't.  I hope my friend hasn't bought anything sweet for me to nibble on while watching the kids. She sometimes does that. And I will be too weak to resist today.

Last night I had terrible nightmares. War, persecution, monsters and r*. I usually don't have such voilent dreams as that. I wonder where it came from, not like I've been watching alot of movies or tv-shows regarding any of these topics.
I don't feel so good tbh.

I'm trying to self-soothe by drinking my favourite tea and sweet-talk myself. But my head and heart isn't co-operating with me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 04, 2018, 08:40:49 AM
Hi Sceal,
I hope you enjoy the day playing with the twins, and it is nice that your friends asked you to baby-sit - it shows how much they trust you.  I'm so glad that you feel 'like you' with your new hair-cut and that so many people have commented that it looks really nice. 

I am wondering what a Cappuchino Surprise is - but I'm glad that it was the best one you've ever had.  It sounds really interesting! 

Great that you're working on a Passion project - I think that sounds good. 

I just wanted to wish you the best for the weekend - and send you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 04, 2018, 08:42:51 AM
Hi Sceal,
Sorry to hear you had bad nightmares last night, and hope that your tea is soothing - you take care - I should have read what you wrote before writing what I wrote - didn't see it till I'd posted.
:hug: for today - hopefully the twins will help you to renew some energy - and you'll enjoy the day.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 06, 2018, 06:48:16 AM
Dear Hope,

I'm happy for both your replies!
I'm also glad they asked me for babysitting, the babysitting went very well to be honest. I did drink my energydrink, but I wasn't as exhausted as I feared. Neither afterwards or on sunday. So that's good!

Cappuchino Surprise was a cappuchino with some added chocolate I think, and a little something on the side. A little Macaroon. It was perfect.
:hug:
The nightmares have settled down into restless and stressful dreams instead. I'm not sure if that's any better.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 06, 2018, 08:52:47 PM
I've struggled with motivation for doing anything, which I suppose is common for me. And I'm not sure if I would say that this is a better place to be in than being hypervigilant. I know it sounds ridiculous to say that - but for me personally I'm not sure if it is a better place.

When I was hypervigilant last ( and I mean truly, proper hypervigilant over a time period for weeks and months) I was far more productive than I am now. I managed somehow to study, because I used it as a survival mechanism. It was escapism for me, until I couldn't focus enough - and I would struggle and stress about that - because the alternative was constant flashbacks, constant paranoia and constant fear. I went through the days physically shaking - it was awful. I ended up in the psych.ward, I stopped sleeping, I got digestive problems, and I started hallucinating and hearing the voices was on an all-time high. It wasn't pretty. But I had a reason to fight, and the reason was to get out of it. To be safe. To be able to sleep. To be able to breathe.

It took a long time, but then it turned oposite - and I for most parts now become hypo-vigilant (is that a term?). In other words I get stuck in freeze or fawn mode.  Or somewhere right inside the Window of Tolerance on the lower end, which takes away my willpower and motivation to do just about anything. My body is screaming at me these days. Either I'm hungry, because I'm eating less than I should, or my back, shoulder and hips are assaulting me with physical pain because I'm not moving. 90% of the day is spent sitting down. I get ideas, and I get plans, and I dream, but nothing happens. I don't do anything about them. At all. It gives me alot of time to think about all my flaws and all the things I suck at and aren't accomplishing. I don't have an incentive to do anything.
It's like I'm just doing therapy right now because it's all I know how to do. (although Lady T is away on vacation - which at first was okay - but is now I think a higher risk factor for me being less active.

It's not like I'm falling appart. I have bad dreams, nightmares and stressfull anxiety dreams again. My eating is out of whack, I tried to diet by eating roughly 1000 kcal a day, but everyone knows that's not going to work in the long-run. And I generally lasts about 2 weeks before it wears on my mind. My backpain and shoulder pain is forcing me to go back on painkillers.  So what I mean by that this mode-of-being isn't better than being hypervigilant is although it's not governed by fear it is governed by shame. And shame, for me, is harder to overcome. I cannot phone the police and say "help! The shame-monster is knocking on my door".  (I'm going to sketch that scene out). I don't have enough tools to ovecome it, and I don't have a big enough network that I can use when the shame comes knocking too hard on my door. Not yet.

Despite all of thise, I do have good days. Days where the inspiration and motivation to do something about it hits. Like today. I made a thing for my friends when they were expecting their twins as a baby-shower present. It's two wooden boards that's a tall measuring stick that they can write their height and age next to. And also plot in their first words, their first holiday, their first step and those kind of things. But it was lacking their names - because they hadn't decided on them before the baby-shower. So this morning I painted in their names and returned the boards to my friend (she hadn't noticed I'd snuck them out of the house last time) - so it was doubly fun for me. It felt good finally having done it, although I'm not really super pleased with the results.  I forced myself to leave the house so I visited my friend with the twins and spent the day with them. It was good. It'll be the last time, because on wednesday they start in kindergarten.

Right after I'd consumed dinner another friend pokes me on social media. She wanted my feedback on something and I am happy I could help her out. We end up having a skype-convo. Where she gets alot of work done, and I also get some perspective on what to do with my art. I feel fairly directionless, and it's sucked for a long time - but I am hoping that this conversation was the start for a direction in regards to that.
I don't have much hope for my art, or being able to actually live off of it, I don't have enough belief in me for that. And with being stuck in freeze mode more ofthen than I'd like to admit, I'm not getting alot of work done either.

So this post started somewhere I didn't expect and ended up with loads of thoughts in my head.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 07, 2018, 09:16:54 AM
Hi Sceal,
It's strange how when writing in the Journal, where it ends up isn't always where we planned it to go - but I just wanted to say that I think your friend is so lucky to have such a creative friend as you to make those lovely things for the twins - I hope she liked it and appreciated what you did. 
I relate to what you're saying about struggling with motivation for doing anything - I struggle with that too - I vary day to day.  I can also see the hypervigilance and how that can help to spur action in certain regards - it can be motivating in itself.
I'm not sure if what I'm saying is making any sense, as I started to write and now I am not sure what I'm saying, so I'll just send you a hug - if that's ok -  :hug: Sceal.  Thanks also for telling me about the Surprise Cappuchino - I think I'll look out for one of those.  They sound lovely.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 08, 2018, 07:14:31 AM
Hi Hope,

Thank you for your kind words.  :hug:
I hope you can find a cappuchino surprise where you live :)

Sceal
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 08, 2018, 09:00:03 PM
Looked at alot of old photos today, it made me wish to rewind time 10 years. It wasn't the best time of my life, but it was better than it has been the past few years. Rewinding it, with the chance of changing the outcome the last 5 years. Some of it anyway. I travelled alot more back then. I'm going to resume that.

I also went to an event, a panel-talk with people in the medical industry talking about gut-illnesses and allergies and asthma, well - not so much asthma really. It was interessting enough, at time funny. But the seats were uncomfortable, and it lasted for longer than I could focus on. It was good getting out, but now that I'm home my shoulders, neck and head hurts. I've a feeling I tensed up alot more than I thought I was. My knees were swollen and back was hurting in town.
One of the things they said on the panel is to avoid checkin in with your body too much. And it's a little different than what Lady T is teaching me at the moment, but I can see the value to it later on. Once I've re-learned to listen properly to my body and recognize the signs for what they are.
But there will come a time when I don't need to check in so much at all time and analyze - that will potentially end in fear of something new being wrong or off again.
I've never had fear of poor health, perhaps because I've always been somewhat sickly. Never had fear of doctors or nurses.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 09, 2018, 06:57:05 AM
I know, I know! It is impossible to gain so much weight overnight, and I know that it is mostly water-weight, maybe some salt. And maybe a little muscle tension.
but it is so * frustrating when I'm getting back to being more active and eating more regularly, that still I keep gaining weight. I hope the numbers start pointing another way soon, because this is heartbreaking - it really is. Makes me want to lie down and cry. Or alternatively eat all the chocolate in the store.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 09, 2018, 10:39:04 AM
Okay, I am still frustrated.
BUT! I avoided buying candy, and chocolate at the store when I went to pick up a parcel before breakfast.
And I did end up going on the treadmill for 20 minutes in fast pace (fast for me). The sweat was literally running down my face and chest as I finished. My lower legs hurt now, they are tense and stiff and probably full of inflammation - or about to be full of inflammation. But if my body would just do as I tell it, and lose weight, there would be less inflammation! Silly body. Stop holding all the water!
I feel better now.
I feel energized, awake and, dare I say it, happy right now. Long live dopamin! It's not pouring down outside anymore, so I think I will go for a minor trail-walk/hike later today before I'm going to socialize!

I also got off the phone with the wellfare people, the people who I have to be in contact with regularliy in order to get money. I send in some documents every 2 weeks, and I talk on the phone with them  every few months or so. I have one person I'm generally having contact with, but this person tends to change. That's why they called me today.  I got a new one, I told her exactly what I thought about keep changing people. 4 new people who are constantly watching my every move for the last 2 years, it's exhausting. It makes me on edge to not know the person who has my case. It's better when they know the cases individually. Anyway, what really surprised me was 1) I managed to tell her that I don't apprechiate it changing all the time, and that I understand that there's alot of changing jobs in and out of the office, but that it's still taxing for me to relate to a new person. I actually managed to say that to a total stranger. Boundary setting oh yeah! (I'm still high on dopamin) 2) my voice was clear, active and alert. I sounded like I was very much present and ready to co-operate and I was friendly. I wasn't shy, timid or scared. On the phone. Wow!  This was also before breakfast when I was still foggy and tired as f*. Just wow!
I'm awesome today.  (wow.. wait a minute, did I just say that? H** yes I did! - oh okay, this dopamin thing is slightly scary).
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 09, 2018, 12:51:06 PM
Hi Sceal,
That is great that you were able to say those things - and I think you are awesome  :hug: to you. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 10, 2018, 07:17:17 AM
 :hug: Thank you Hope!
I felt great yesterday afternoon.
I went for a second trail hike with dad, it wasn't a very long one. But I was struggling, trying to keep up, pretending it wasn't hard for me. But at some point I had to say to turn back - because my feet were painful. The new shoes are not a hit. I'll have to try different insoles and see if that helps.
I was playing with the twins again, and then after their bedtime I joined in on boardgame night. It was fun, I've missed playing boardgames. I don't know everyone in that group very well, and I get a little shy and reserved. But it was good.

Today, the scale made me gain alot more weight. The last two days I've gained 2kg, which again, I know is impossible. My calves are hurting, they are hard as rock and they are having some pressure from the inside. I am hoping this just means that my legs are having too much waterweight, and what I need to do today is to drink as much as possible! I'm not good with drinking, I need to approve this.

My mental health is okay these last few days. I feel frustrated and foggy-headed (except for yesterday). But I am okay.
I'm seeing my Lady T after the holiday next friday, and by that time I should finish studying Radical Acceptance, incase she asks about it.
But for now, I need to tidy up and clean up this house. I haven't washed the floor in 2 months, as in summertime I tend to wander in and out with shoes or flipflops when it's sunny. But now it's raining and not likely to happen. So might as well pick up the broom.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 10, 2018, 01:47:25 PM
you ARE awesome, sceal.  totally!  so glad you could say that about yourself.  dopamine, huh?  maybe you've had a shortage all this time and didn't know it.

i love your body.

glad you've been feeling better lately.  kudos to you for overlooking the candy and chocolate.  well done.  small steps will eventually get us to where we want to go, and you're heading in the right direction.

weight fluctuation - yeah, i've had a lot of experience with that.   just hang tough, ok?  as long as you continue working a healthier lifestyle, the weight will right itself.  sometimes we need to look to the shape of our bodies, how our clothes fit, our stamina levels, things like that, for truer info on how our bodies are doing.   the numbers on the scale may not always tell the entire story.

keep going, sweetie.  love you so, sending a hug full of encouragement to you to keep up what you're doing.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 10, 2018, 07:58:43 PM
Thank you San, I don't quite agree today.  But I do recall the enthusiasm and joy I had yesterday. And it was refreshing! It was progress no doubt.

Today is as one can imagine. Not quite good. It's not bad, it's not ok. It just is. I feel nothing much at all, except physical pain. I didn't avoid candy or chips today, I don't feel particularly guilty about it - but I am not happy about it either.
I've done very little productive, infact it's been another one of those days where I've been thinking I should do something but don't find the energy or willpower to actually get up and do it -because once more there's no point to it.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 10, 2018, 10:29:35 PM
those dang ups and downs, back and forth of recovery.  still, i believe that if we have one of the good days, eventually we'll have another.  hang tough, sweet sceal.  you're not alone.  love and hugs to you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 11, 2018, 06:55:37 PM
I am currently contemplating to take a break from this site, in the sense that I think I will stop reading other people's posts and threads for a while.
And for all of those whom I've followed, I am sorry that I wont follow you for a short while.

But I am in a fragile, good place right now. And I really want to take charge of my life.
I looked alot of old photos while I was transferring them over to an external harddrive,(from 2005-2011) and I realised something. I realized that although life really did suck back then, it was better than it is now. Probably because I felt safe, my abuser had moved away from my city and got married in another city. And too be fair, he was never a threat to me after I moved out and ended that relationship. But in 2013, I think, I met my latest abuser - and he was a different story.  He was a threat after I left, and I still percieve him as a threat. He doesn't live -in- my city, but that's a mere technicality because it'll only take him 30 minutes to get here. And after the last re-traumatization I lost all hope in the sense that I felt I'm never going to get a life free from manipulative, abusive people. I might be "free" for a few years, but I expect to run into another one in a few more years time. After all, they can spot a vulnerable victim at a mile distance.  And I am still vulnerable, I do intend to at some point stop being vulnerable. Stop being so easy to spot. Anyway, so I realized that although I struggled with loneliness, depression, self-hatred, eating disorder, self-injury I kept busy. I had a lot of projects. I took classes and courses and workshops. I travelled. I had alot more connection with friends where I'd fool around and laugh and talk more freely with them. I'd be weird and they loved me for it.
And that's the clue, that's what I want to take charge of.

Several times in my life I've had to leave my entire network behind, to start over. The first time was simply organic, we were getting older, we were starting different schools our daily lives didn't end up connecting anymore. Which was fine. It was natural. The second time was more painful, perhaps because they left me. Not in bulk, but a few at a time. Distance grew, and they got their own friends. Or my original group of friends started hanging out without inviting me, and I was stuck with my abusive ex (not that I understood that at the time) and his friends - which at the time were also my friends. (Not all of them were bad).  And I had one friend who meant the world to me. I would have given everything for her. She left me. She told me she needed a break and then radio silence. It took me 10 years to understand it was probably smart of her and it was probably an advice she'd gotten from her therapist (not because I was so bad, but because both of us were so self-destructive and depressed at the time, and she had feelings for me. And seeing me so self-destructive were destroying her). At least, this is how I choose to see it now.  And then, then I left my abuser. And I lost everyone. All my friends who had previously left me, excluded me weren't there for me. And all the friends I had with him, stayed with him. I knew they would. And so, I had to start over.
At this point I mainly gained internet friends, some of whom I met in real life several times, some not.
I reached out to old friends, of those who I lost organically, and regained contact with them.  And slowly, I built new friends. But then, I suddenly got alot of friends, in this cultish group. And I mean, ALOT of them. And when I walked out, I lost them all. Or I chose to lose them all, because remaining in contact with a few of them, wouldn't be healthy for me. Because I would never be able to trust they wouldn't relay information back to the group.
So here I am now, having to re-build a new network.

I have spent alot more time with the family of the twins the past year, and I know they apprechiate me. And I most certainly apprechiate all of them. I have another friend I've spent alot of time with the past year, although we're running a little stale of topic to talk about at the moment. Perhaps because I haven't been so interessted in talking about mental health lately. It'll come back. I'm connecting better with my sister than I have for many years. And I'm reconnecting with my cousins down south. I'm going for a visit soon, and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy being with that part of my family. I do need more people in my immediate vicinity though, and I will continue to work on that, although I am not yet quite sure on how.

I am also going to start travelling more again. Like I used to. I have 3(4) trips planned for the remaining of the year. Which is a good start. This will cost me alot of money, so I need to start resuming my economic mode, and I'll have to find a way to start earning money on my art. I need to define it better, make better art and somehow each an audience who wants to purchase. I'm not entirely certain how that'll turn out to be. I'll have to make a better, clearer plan for that.

I watched a video by accident this morning by Shawn Achor on Ted.com when I was doing my treadmill walk, where he was talking about happiness. I wrote down a few notes from that video I'd like to share here:

QuoteThe absence of disease is not health.
I thought that was an amazingly important thing to say. When I do recovery from CPTSD (and I say when, because it WILL be a when), I need to make da** sure that I have more things in my life than just the absence of CPTSD.

QuoteThe current formula of Happiness is Success.  "If I work harder, I'll be more successfull, and if I am more successful thenI'll be happier" - which is a backwards way. Because then everytime I reach success I will change the goalpost of what success looks like: "I got good grades, now I got to get bettergrades". So if happiness gets on the other side of success - we will never get there. Because we keep changing the outlook of success. But our brains work opposite. If I am happy, then I have a higher chance of reaching success, being more creative, being healthier, having a higher resistance for depression and other illnesses etc
Which is good to know, and to remember. Success comes later, I need to work on my inner life before I can find success in my external life. This is true for me, for how I, personally, work. I know there are loads of successful people out there who struggle. And I hope one day they'll get the time to care for their internal life as much as they care for their external one.

Shawn Achor also have a few tips on how to improve happiness. And I am going to attempt them.
- Write down 3 things I am grateful for every day
- Medidate for 2 minutes (for me I think I'll stick with being mindful of the present)
- Journaling at least 1 positive experience that happened within the last 24 hours - by journaling my mind will re-experience it, and thus remember it better.
- Excersise
- Random and concious acts of kindness everyday, such as writing a kind message to someone. Telling them I apprechiate them. That I care. That I notice.

He says to do this for 21 days and see what happens.
My day started out the usual way, not caring, not having any willpower, not wanting to do anything at the same time not wanting to do nothing. After I went on the treadmill and watched his video I found my old "Book of Achievements", and turned it into the "The Book of Gratitude" and wrote down the 3 things I could think of. And now, everytime I go to the toilet I keep thinking of more things and people I am grateful for, and it's giving me a sense of an inner calm.

I do know that journaling down the positive things works, I did that at the beginning of the year, and it really did help lift me up. At some point I stopped doing that, I think because I went down into a deep funk and felt I had nothing to write. And even when I climbed back out I didn't resume the habit. I will try again now. And I hope that by doing atleast those two things daily it'll help strengthen my fragility.

And in order for me to gain strength I need to set boundaries for myself. I am a highly sensitive person, so other people's struggles and problems I take them on my shoulders, and carry them in my heart. And for now, I need a little distance. So I can be stronger, and strong enough to carry them without they drag me down. I do want to stress that it's no one elses fault that I take other people's concerns into my heart, it's just part of who I am, and who I always will be. I'm fond of this part of me, but I need to learn to set boundaries so I can function long term.

Although, all of these plans that I have now, they might fail once I re-start therapy again next friday and I am tossed right back into crippling shame and flashback modes. I will attempt to become stronger by next friday. Bit by bit. Hopefully.

So this is me, taking charge of my life by changing the present - not the future.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 12, 2018, 03:22:21 AM
you go, sceal.  do what you need to do for you - i absolutely believe that's a wise thing.  we'll be here if/when you get stronger and want to return.  i'll miss you, but more importantly i'm glad you're taking back your power.  i think that's great.

hope you have fun travels, that you continue to do pos. things for yourself, and that you continue to heal, become healthier, and enjoy your self and your life more and more.  love you darling sceal.    :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 12, 2018, 06:55:34 AM
 :hug: Thank you San, your encouragment means alot. It has meant alot for a very long time now.
I wont stop writing here, I still need this place. But I wont be reading other posts than my own journal. Might just last a few days, but I'll try. That's my intent anyhow!

I hope you'll continue to take great care of yourself too, and rest when you need to.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 13, 2018, 05:54:03 PM
It's been 3 days of writing down 3 things I'm grateful for, and 3 days of letting people know I apprechiate them. And 3 days not opening the newspaper first thing in the morning.

And to be honest, it's been 3 pretty great days. Today inparticular! Woke up after an awful night with barely any sleep. My knees, hip and leg have been aching so badly that it's kept me awake. Even after painkillers and painkilling-cream. Woke up, bright and wide-awake at 5, decided that was completely uncalled for - so I got a drink and went back to bed. Got up again around 8, and had a calm morning watching an episode of Doctor Who with my breakfast. Then I headed out, needed to return a pair of hiking boots I bought that ended up not really fitting me at all. I was worried that they wouldn't give me my money back - but give me a slip that would allow me to spend the money on something else in the store instead. I had washed the shoes, but not well enough as I found out when I reached the store. But they didn't even look at them, just gave me back my money. Woohoo!
Then I swung by the GP office and asked if they had anything availble soonish - and I got an appointment tomorrow. Wooh! (I probably should wait a few more days before complaining about the pain. I'm not so worried about the pain, as I am worried that it's causing me lack of sleep). Then I headed up to my friend. The kids were happy to see me, and while they were napping we were sipping coffee outside in the warm sun and doing the newspaper quiz and talking about tenting. It was very sweet. After they woke up we played with them, and it was alot of fun.
Then I went visiting my parents who invited me for dinner in the boat - they'd parked it at a place which had the most gorgeous view. I had a nap on the top of the boat in the sun, and enjoyed a wonderful dinner.

And the best part of it all - I have felt GOOD all day. I feel happy. It's insane! But I have. And I am enjoying every moment of it. Tomorrow it'll be another glorious day weather wise before the autumn weather sets in. And I don't know how I'll spend the day - but I wont waste it indoors.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 13, 2018, 06:40:33 PM
Hi Sceal, So great to hear you've had such a GOOD day - and  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 13, 2018, 08:09:23 PM
 :bighug: to you too Hope!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 13, 2018, 09:14:32 PM
this is great, sceal (aside from the pain, of course).  good luck with the doc.   so glad for you, honey.   love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 14, 2018, 08:27:15 PM
Thank you darling!  :hug:

Not as superb a day today, as yesterday. It got discolored by late evening deciding to do the final fix of photos in the folder and I found some old photos of me and my ex (now very much deleted). I didn't react as badly to see him as much as I reacted to seeing me. I looked awful. So much shame! I seriously wonder how they let me out of the house.  But I worked really hard with myself after seeing and deleting those pictures. Talking kindly to myself, allowing myself to be sad for the girl I was, to be sad for her circumstances - but now allowing the shame to discolour my entire day.  It worked - to an extent. The day wasn't ruined, but I had awful dreams, and I woke up feeling slightly miffed. Everytime I remember those photos I am filled with shame. And I have to talk kindly to myself.

My GP is amazing. She's all smiles, cute and blonde. And very kind and helpful - always listening and gives me the time I need. I didn't need too much time today, I always try to rush through the appointment because I know she has others, but she always slows me down.
Nothing much to do for the pain but paracetamol and physiotherapy. I was lucky to get an appointment already on thursday! (I hope they have the "wellfare discount"- arrangement with the government). Usually I've waited for weeks and months when I've been in worse pain than this.
I will have to practice boundaries with my new physiotherapist. Let her know in the first session that it's from the knees and down - and not to meddle with any other aspects of my health and habits that's not related to my muscle injury in my knees and calves. - And somehow tell her this in a kind but firm manner. Time to practice some DBT-skills! An excellent opportunity actually! I hope she can help me, and I hope I'm able to communicate my needs and not just fall in to the trap of "this is her area of expertise - I know nothing of muscles and joint despite it being my body and my painlevels".

Other than that I sunbathed in my underwear at my parents place (no one could see me) while they were gone. I had coffee with them when they got back home, and then I went on an old hike-trail I haven't been in years. And MAN have I missed that place. It's a bit far from where I am living now, but I need to spend alot of hours walking those trails this autumn. I'm only allowed short hikes daily now - due to my legs. Which suit me fine - because my lungs suck. And I don't want to hike to get in shape, I want to hike to enjoy and destress and become creative and curious and generally just be amazed at the light and colour, and the shapes.

Sunshine hugs to all!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on August 15, 2018, 12:57:33 AM
Sounds wonderful Sceal
:sunny:  :hug: to you.

I like that your GP slows you down.  It's nice to have someone that legitimately cares about taking care of you.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 15, 2018, 11:21:26 AM
Yeah, my GP is wonderful.
My previous one I had for 10 years when he changed speciality - I would have still had him if not. But the replacement he got was awful, and thus I ended up with the one I have now. And she's a darling.

Terrible, terrible dreams last night. Down right awful and horrific. I haven't been so exhausted waking up in forever. I ended up snoozing on the sofa, sometimes changing place to sleep helps getting rid of the awful dreams. I've been plagued with extremely poor sleep quality and bunch of nightmares the past week. I think I need to do something about the bedroom, something is off.
Supposed to go on a hike today, but I'm shattered.
Going for a coffee later. Was thinking dinner, but think I'll stick with coffee. We'll see.
Zombie cotton head.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 15, 2018, 11:34:06 AM
i agree with deep blue - it's great when someone else will look after us at times.  we all need that little extra caring - it makes so much difference.   and i think you can use that as a source of self-caring with your physio.  as you said, you know your body, know what's going on with your legs.  you have the right to stand up for yourself. 

that trail sounds wonderful.  i have one near my house, and it really does refresh and restore me.  i love being in the forest here.  that cabin and its environment sounds great.  i do hope you get to spend more time there - it sounds like it's very good for you.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 15, 2018, 05:39:26 PM
I was lucky that I got the one I did, I totally agree! It's important to have trusted GP's and psychologists and other support people. I'm fortunate that I live where I live. I won the lottery being born in this country. Changing my GP isn't difficult, although I can't keep changing over and over and over again. And I'm constantly surprised when I hear stories from the uk and the us about GP's. Such as GP's thinking that excersise and eating healthy doesn't have a positive impact on mental health and anxiety. (wow  :stars:)

I have a few trails near me too, closer to the one I described briefly. But they are so crowded (not really. When I say crowded I mean - there are people occationally passing me by. And then I don't have the freedom from my own brain.

Sluggish day, but I am still okay.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 16, 2018, 08:31:05 AM
Had my session with my new physiotherapist today.
Loads of questions, I did manage to tell her that my last physiotherapist overstepped my boundaries and started meddling with my food and eating habits.
I also said I'm not yet able for her to treat my lower back and hips due to trauma, and that it infringes on my intimate-boundaries.
She checked how I stand and walk, and how I do a few strength work outs and corrected them and told me why the way I did it was causing me more harm than good. Then she massaged my calves.
At the end of the session I started getting nauseous, and I think I was quite tense. Having to be half-undressed infront of a stranger that's evaluating my body. I felt extremely exposed. But she didn't make any awful comments, didn't point out that my injuries are weight related. My right leg is alot more tense and rigid than my left leg. Both in hip, knee and in my calves. I have alot more movement in my left side than right side.
I didn't say it, but I suspect that my anxiety has something to add to that, when I start tapping my leg, it is always my right leg. She also said that trauma has a tendency to affect chronic discomfort quite alot, and that it might come from that. That the nervous system is all jumbled up together - which I find is nice she told me. She understands some then, that it isn't all directly my fault.

It's expensive, but if she can help me short term, and then give me advice of how to maintain it long-term - it will be worth it.
Day has just begun really. No nightmares last night (finally), but still stressful and chaotic dreams. I think it helped de-dust and open up the window even more and change the bed and de-clutter a little bit. I like to think so anyway.  I'm going to attempt to go back on the treadmill today, it's been about 5 days or so now I think.

Wishing everyone a good day!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 16, 2018, 11:22:29 AM
sounds like an aware and caring physio, sceal.  glad you got her.  yay.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 17, 2018, 12:20:55 PM
Good afternoon!

I just worked out, so I am once again happy with dopamines, not as much as the last time I mentioned it. But I feel good never the less.

Last night was disrupted sleep once again. I don't remember my dreams all that much (which is a first), but I woke up having to pee an awful lot. And around 4-5 in the morning the biggest thunder I've ever heared sored over my home. It was impressive. I told myself: that this area is propped full of lightning rods away from the houses. It'll be fine. I'm not afraid of thunder and lightning per say.  I find the fascinating, but of course If I'm out and about I always make sure I'm not the talles point around or that I'm carrying something stupid like an umbrella with a metal rod sticking out of it. The rest of the night(super early morning) was full of thunder and lightning so there wasn't much sleep to have really. But I remained in bed until 7 anyway, no point in exhausting me before I had to - right? Besides, there is something so beautiful and calming listening to the rain truly pouring down and knowing I'm cosy and warm inside.  ;)

So I got up, did the breakfast thing and did the social media thing and then it was time to drive off to my therapist session with Lady T, first one in a month. Well, 3.5 week. I've been feeling a little apprihensive for this appointment the last few days. On one hand I'm happy that daily life is back on track, and on the other hand - I'm feeling good! I don't want to be prodded and pried into the difficult areas potentially provoking yet another depression. I'm just out of one!
But on the way there, what did I spot but two very beautiful and clear rainbows. I haven't seen one in ages. And I couldn't help but smile and simply just enjoy the phenomenon. What comes will come, and after the rainy days there'll be rainbows to brighten things up again - right?  (oh my god, I'm so positive right now it's scary!).

It was nice to see Lady T again, she complimented me on my hair. Which of course further brightened up my day! I mean how could it not? She meant it, and I for once agreed with this compliment (wait, hang on.. what just happened?! That's very interessting. The first compliment I've been able to accept and take in to my heart. Wow! Go girl! - okay, that was random. I hadn't thought about that before writing it down here).

I told my Lady T that I feel good, the last week has been good. And I've decided to travel more, I got plans. And I just need to save up some money. She asked me if I was going to look for a job to help save - and I immediatedly got worried. I said no, I'm not ready for that yet. I have a plan with my well-fare people that I'm going for work-training in January. So until then I'll focus on treatment and find some course of some kind. Something that I want to do, just because I want to do it. I told her I haven't found it yet, but I will.

Then we made a plan for how to continue further on. It'll be divided into two sections.
Section a: Is in therapy, while I'm with her. It's going back to the letter I wrote in detail about one of the flashbacks. We're going to resume working on that one, until the shame levels lowers down - and then we'll get into one of the harder ones. One of the ones that is really bothersome for me, the core. And I told her, that when she talked about that, that I started distancing emotionally. She explained that as long as I keep avoiding, physically, emotionally and intellectually the core of the trauma will always be there to be a problem for me. And that we'll have to work together to slowly approach it, to lower the shame, to decrease my avoidance. And distancing myself is part of avoiding. She understands that it's not something I control anymore, it occurs naturally because it's become such an ingrained habit that protected me and allowed me to survive. But we'll work on it anyway. Step by step. She'll be there with me, and she'll help me navigate. By continiously stopping and asking me to check in on what's happening on the inside of me.
I told her I'm nervous. To which she replied "So would I, if I were you".  ;D She immediatedly understood that it came out completely different than what she meant. But I had no problem understanding that she was empathizing and trying to validate my fear. We ended up laughing a bit at her expense.

I am scared though. I am scared my worst isn't bad enough. I do know that this is silly, but it is still a fear. It's basically a fear that I am weak and pathetic and should have been much stronger. And I suspect that she will have to continously reassure me that it was bad enough. I am also scared of my own reaction. I am scared that I will be tongue tied. I am not scared of the depression per se, because I have now experienced how I feel when I feel good, and it is truly good . And I know I'll reach this level again if I fall down. I have hope, in other words. And boy is hope powerful. I am scared that the depression will be long-lasting and rob me more of my life outside therapy and mental illness. And I am scared that I will lose hope again, because feeling hopeless is down right awful. And it requires so much power to work your way up from that again.

Section B: is what I will do at home. It will be a series of exposure-therapy on my own. It will take the time it takes, she said in the beginning it might take weeks from one topic to the next. Well, not topic, but thing to be exposed for. Until next session I am to go down to the library and look at the titles of books that is about the same subject as my cultish group was about. In hope that it'll desentizise me to this topic, and eventually I can regain my interest for it that is mine, and not related to the cultish group.
As in; lets pretend the cultish group was a group that were doing a spesific form of gardening. And that's what led me to them to begin with, meeting like-minded people who had the same interest in that spesific form of gardening. (it had nothing to do with gardening). But due to the toxic, and abusive environment of that group, it has polluted all my interst in this topic - and taken the joy and only triggers my flashbacks and shame and fear instead. The goal is to take back the joy and interest of the original topic. So it doesn't trigger me anymore.
And we'll change this exersise when I'm ready, when I've become bored. When it doesn't affect me anymore. So I can move on to another thing that I keep avoiding, starting small and building up. Building up my tolerance.

Section b I think will have it's own challenges than section a. But in a way I think it might become more manageable, eventhough I suspect it'll be equally draining.

But I am glad we have a plan, and that I'm aware of this plan. I hope I'm able to work efficiently, and so I can move on. I don't want to stop seeing her, because I'm quite fond of her. But at the same time, I do want my life to move on. I wish I could return to her again if my life has a backlash once I am stable and strong enough to manage without her help. But I doubt that'll be possible. I'll ask when the time is getting closer.

After the appointment, I got home and I worked on some creative stuff. And I worked out, as I mentioned above. And I made an appointment with a friend-to-be(perhaps?) to meet up in town for a cup of coffee before we'll enjoy a free concert. I'm looking forward to this!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 17, 2018, 12:22:51 PM
P.S

I do know I'm sounding like life is Great right now, and I can handle any obstacle - and that it might be provoking some thoughts and trigger something in others. I know that when I'm really far down the gutters, it is hard to share the joy with others. I am happy for them, but I don't see it possible for me.
But anyway, I thought I'd ask: Would you like me to make a thread about the small steps I took every day in order to help lift myself up?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 17, 2018, 05:20:19 PM
Quote from: Sceal on August 17, 2018, 12:22:51 PM
But anyway, I thought I'd ask: Would you like me to make a thread about the small steps I took every day in order to help lift myself up?
Hi Sceal,
I don't know to whom you ask that question, but I wanted to say, that I would like to hear about those small steps that you took every day in order to help lift yourself up.  If you want to write about it, I would like to read your thread, if you do decide you want to write it.
:hug: to you Sceal, and I'm glad that things are going well for you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 19, 2018, 09:50:56 AM
Hello Hope,
I was asking whomever was reading :) I've made a post in the progress section on the forum now :) And thank you for letting me know it'd be interesting for you.  :hug:
Thank you also, for looking in on me. I'm sorry I am not currently letting myself read other parts on the forum at the moment. I do think of you all though. Although, I had a sneakpeak yesterday in some journals and some other threads around the forum, and I realized I'm not ready yet.

Yesterday was a slow, bothersome day. I didn't feel sad or anything like that, but I was back to being unmotivated to do anything. Even to just take the trash out was just not something I was willing to do. I spent half the day in bed, and the other half watching Doctor Who and berating myself for being so sedentary. But my knee was totally out of whack, so I didn't dare go on the treadmill, and I think it was a sound desicion. Because my knee is so far better today. I also ate unhealthily and not really sustainable food throughout the day. Makes me feel a little jucky today. But I will do my best to make it better today.

I'm off for a week in a few days, I'm going to visit family in another city, and I'm quite looking forward to it. I'm staying with them for a week. I hope I'm not overstepping any toes, or that I wont get in the way. A week can be a long time sometimes. And sometimes it's just not enough time.  But I've looked forward to it the entire summer. And now it is here I'm starting to stress about what clothes can I bring that makes me seem less of a bum? They are very stylish people, they know how to dress well and do make-up well. All the things that I never grew up with, and wasn't particularly interessted in. I do wish I could dress in clothes that I felt good in, and not in clothes that makes me feel bigger, clumsier and more self-concious. But sadly, plus size clothing in my country means really ugly clothes in a tent-looking shape. Sometimes they try to make a bigger size of something nice looking, but it ends up not fitting anyone - because it doesn't work like that. I'd make my own clothes if I could afford enough fabric. Sometimes I do, and I've made a few skirts and dresses. But more often than not.. The fabric isn't very good quality, or not quite what I'm looking for.  You can tell that this is something that is really bothering me.
"if only I lose x amount of weight I'd atleast fit into normal clothes".
I've thought about it, wondered, if I were normal weight, or just above it. What kind of clothes would I choose? And the truth is.. I've no idea. There's a difference between enjoying the look of a style, and fitting it. Even if you're normal weight.

This really wasn't why I came on here to write. But I suppose it's been on my mind the last few days.

I'm finding food difficult. Because I don't want to eat chicken and salad for the rest of my life, everyday in and out. I'm not good at making chicken. It comes out rubbery, and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. And the thought of shoulding to eat more healthily is making a part of me revolt. It makes me consum alot more carbs. I ate a whole lasagna in two days. Lasagna meant for 4 people. I've eaten alot more pizza lately. And pasta. It's easy to make, easy to buy. Quick. And it taste good, because my chicken wok doesn't taste very well. Sometimes I wish I could sign up for a cooking class and learn to cook properly. But the cooking classes here are very spesific. "indian", "vegetarian", "asian", I just want regular food. And no fish, because I do not eat sea-food. Boy do I wish I liked it, but I don't. It's like there's only people in the capitol that wants to learn how to cook good food. Nowhere else. It's annoying. Maybe if I knew how to make simple but tasty meals, I'd enjoy it more.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on August 19, 2018, 12:58:57 PM
Sceal,
You hit on one of my specialties.  I like making chicken.  Do you cook it in the wok mostly? Do you have an oven?

I love making hasselback chicken.  The key with chicken is to put it at a high temperature, but for a shorter amount of time.  Let me know if you want some recipes.

Much love to you Sceal  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 19, 2018, 07:13:08 PM
Dear Deep Blue,
Isn't Hasselback a kind of potato? But sure, would love your recipes! Although, instructions on how to fry/oven bake a chicken is what I'm sorely lacking in skills.
I talked it over with my mom, and we've concluded my frying pan is ruined, and I'm in need of a new one. I'm hoping that's part of the problem too!
If I have a whole chicken filet, I usually fry it on high heat on both sides until the outside is uhmm.. fried? And then I turn it down on a lower heat and let it simmer until the inside is finished too. But when I cut it up before frying them, like in a wok.. It just doesn't work. I make sure my wok pan is heated and that the oil is well and hot too before putting the chopped up bites in the pan and stirring it until they are done. But somehow this makes them chewey (is that a word?).
And I do have an oven, but I rarely use it for oven baked chicken. Mostly because I feel I have to use up all the filets in one go, and then having to freeze them down - and when I defrost them later it just doesn't taste so well either.  :blink:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 19, 2018, 10:41:16 PM
just want to send you love, hugs, and support, my darling sceal.  it sounds like you have several things on your mind right now.  i think that can be a bit rough to navigate, but it seems like you're making plans, thinking things thru, and doing what you need to do to make it as easy as possible for yourself.  good for you, sweetie.

i'm so very glad you've had some pos. days, and hope has filtered its way back into your life.  i admire your attitude about knowing they've been there and will be there for you to draw on when those down days might creep in again.  keep up the good work.   
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 20, 2018, 04:58:05 PM
Thank you San!  :hug:

Not sleeping well enough is starting to take it's toll. I'm surprised it's taken a week. But on the average sleeping 4 hours a night, with waking up multiple times is heavy. I'm drained of energy, and my good mood is starting to slip back into apathy. I also feel guilty, I had homework from Lady T, but I didn't do it.
I meant to do it today, but my knees were hurting too much, and I needed to drive my sister home so I could go home. She wont berate me for it, but I feel bad for not having done my part of the deal.
I see her first thing tomorrow morning, and I don't have a chance doing it before then.

In the afternoon I'm going away for a week, visiting family. I am not sure if I will have any time to come on here. I'm looking forward to going. Although they are all so thin and beautiful, and so stylish. And so normal. And I feel like a big unjusted blob. It's my inner critic working at me, I know. But despite knowing, it still hurts.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 20, 2018, 05:48:11 PM
Hi Sceal,
I just wanted to wish you a good time with your family.  I'm not sure if you'll read this before you go, but  :hug: to you.  I haven't read your post yet about the steps you took - but I am going to - and I am looking forward to reading it.  I found the weekend a bit more triggering than I anticipated, which is why I wasn't around much.
Anyway, just wanted to wish you a good holiday with your family - and to let you know that I don't know how you look (having not met you) but I know you are a beautiful person - inside and out - in my opinion. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 20, 2018, 07:33:46 PM
honey, you can't do therapy wrong.  always remember that.  therapy assignments are for learning, whether they're done or not or how they're done.  there is never any reason to feel bad or guilty.  you are holding up your end of the deal by showing up, exploring, clarifying, and eventually understanding.  your job is healing - that's all.  it comes in its own time for each person.

hope you have a good visit with everyone, and above all can enjoy yourself.  i am enjoying your new path and how it's working out for you.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 21, 2018, 07:50:47 AM
 :hug: to you too Hope. :) Thank you, I really appreciate it today. And no worries about reading my post. Take the time you need. I hope you feel better today.

Dear San, she did ask about the homework, but she accepted my reasons why I hadn't managed it in time. She also thanked me for working so hard, I'm not sure why she was thanking me for that.

I got out of my session 20 minutes ago. It was hard, but not as hard as expected. Although my head is all mush. I really don't want to go back feeling like this.
I'm waiting for the store to open up, and so I am watching all these people preparing for their workstation - and I feel once more that is a life far removed from mine. The ability to do all the little and big things at work. I'd be exhausted beyond words.

I feel like hiding today. Hiding from myself. Or hiding myself from others.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on August 24, 2018, 11:37:52 PM
Im visiting my family in a different city. And it feels nice. I'm my usual quiet, but I feel accepted and welcome here. And it means alot. I will try and draw upon the courage to tell one of them that I'm so grateful - without it turning weird.
Not sure when I'll come back down here though after this visit. The cousin I'm closest too in age and interests is going away for studying. And she plans to never move back.

Being here makes me feel okay. I haven't had any flash backs, any anxiety moments, any bouts of overwhelming emotions or the need to avoid alot. I'm a little bit chameleon, a little passive. I wait until something happens and I go along with that. I've been on 2-3 short walks for my own. But my knees and calves have been letting me know that I have pushed them too hard. And tomorrow it's mountain hiking - I might have to pass that one by. I'll have to ask for how long a hike they plan on. I would love to be fit enough to go.

This being here is making me dream of two things: having a place to feel at home in, that I want to invite people over to. That I can decorate beautifully mixed with practical.
The other is pursuing a career in art. However how much I end up being able to work.

And I have doubts about both. I can't afford the first and the second I don't believe I have the willpower, mental stamina and Motivation to become better than good enough and get clientele.

Right now, the cultish group I was with is having their annual gathering. I am Safe far away from them. I have forgotten all about it until writing here. I feel only a slight twinge thinking about it. But then mostly impressed and confused regarding it being such a little impact on me now.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 25, 2018, 11:28:10 AM
i think that's called progress, sweetie, when the impact of something that was once so horrible has decreased.  your t was spot on in telling you about how hard you've been working.  i see it quite clearly.  thanking you for that could possibly mean that you are making the entire therapeutic dynamic that much more efficient, clear, and easy.   it's a positive for both of you while you're working on everything.

i do believe your art career will come into its own when you're ready for it.  as long as you place your stepping stones down where needed when you're  able, you'll eventually pave the way to where you want to be.

as far as having your own place to show off your individuality, i just know that as my d and i were moving into this house, we had next to nothing, and lots of space to fill.  still, we've each brought our own personalities into it, and have even discovered throwaways by the side of the road that are now recycled as furniture for us. 

we're not done yet - everything is a work in progress, but we're comfortable and safe and like what we see when we look around.  it may be different for others, but it's what's important for us.  i think you'll be able to find what's important for you as well, and the expression of that will  be something for you to show off in your own way, your own style.

i see so much progress in you, sceal,  it's amazing, as are you.  i'm really glad your family visit is going well.  sending love always, and a big hug.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on August 29, 2018, 08:04:13 AM
Hi Sceal,
I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you are enjoying your time in that different city.  Glad it feels nice and that you feel accepted and welcome.   :hug: to you, Sceal.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 03, 2018, 08:20:50 PM
Thank you both, San and Hope.  :hug:

----
I've been doing really well lately. I felt clear headed, stronger, I was able to make a plan, and work on other things besides therapy. I've been social, and generally having my core emotion as an uplifted positive thing. When I went away to visit family this was still strong within me. It was good to get away, I felt safe. I was away from my home city. And I suspect it would do me good to move away from this city once I've completed my therapy and finished my surgery. Although I'm not sure if that is self-care or of it is avoidance. Time will tell, when I can afford to do anything about it.

I came back home last Tuesday, and my strength started to slowly weaken. I started to feel physically weak and slow. I had eaten alot of food as well as alot of candy while I was with my family in the other city. Because they were eating alot of it, and they are all slim! And once I got back home I've started my new diet regiment, I suspect that's what is making me weaker physically. But I was surprised it was such a huge difference. It wasn't as if I was booming with energy further south, but the contrast is big. I talked with my GP and she recommended a book about binge-eating, even though that's not my eating disorder, and she suggested I try to eat a little bit more during breakfast meals and lunch-meals. I think she's right, and I've started to add a little bit extra. But it's not really helping yet. Perhaps it's lack of nutrient instead? Who knows. I've reached out to the local low-threshold eating disorder help center, hopefully they'll get back to me soon and I can get some more clarity. It's a huge step for me to send them an e-mail.

Friday I had therapy session. We talked about Self-worth, feeling of never being good enough, and who do I put the blame on or rather who do I hold responsible for the traumatic events in my life (Spoiler: I hold myself responsible). I had to admit that I didn't have anyone who saw me as a child, who would take me aside and tell me that the bullies were wrong, that I am good enough, that I am worthy. That I shouldn't listen to the bullies, because they are just being mean for no reason and their behaviour is not okay. I didn't have a person who took me aside and asked me how I was, really digging in and making me answer. It was hard, to admit to her, that I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to have good and deep friendships, or good enough for adults to tell me I'm good enough the way I was. There was more. But that's the essence of it.
I had a session later that day with Lady L at the support centre too in town. And I fell asleep at the centre while I was waiting for Lady L. I was so drained after my appointment with Lady T.  When I finally got home, sat on the bus I nearly fell asleep. I sat in my car for two hours before I got in the door. I just couldn't deal with being anywhere or with anyone. Saturday was anxiety filled, I was full of anxiety when I went to town and there was such big crowds I ended up hiding in the book store. Just sitting on their sofa staring out into the air. Unable to do anything, make any desicion or yeah.. I finally got home - although I don't really remember how or when.  Sunday was left in self-pity and sadness. Today... overwhelmingly sadness.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 04, 2018, 01:24:52 AM
My sweet Sceal,
I wish I could be there with you.  My mother bear instincts are quite strong.  I would let you rest on the couch and put on a Disney movie for you.  I'd sit nearby and we would be able to sit comfortably in silence.

Thinking of you sweetie
Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 04, 2018, 08:19:20 PM
Thank you Deep Blue,

I'll admit I'm in the mood for some dramatic singing from The Hunchback of Notre Dame!  :hug:

---
Today is better.
I woke up at 4.00-4.30 in the morning by a sound outside. I thought to myself "oh, just a plane landing", went to the toilet and decided to go back to sleep. Only to find that a) I was awake and b) no chance of even drifting off with this ever lasting sound of the "plane landing". It took me a moment to realize that planes doesn't hover in the air, or randomly circle on top of populated areas (when if in trouble it can circle over the ocean), and that I'm not really *that* close to the airport. I turned on the newsflash on my phone, and it turns out it was a helicopter out on a rescue mission. Someone had reported a driver-less boat on the nearby lake. No one has been reported missing, nor did they find anyone in the water. It was most likely someone trying to steal the boat, or a insurance scam.  So, I'll say quite an early morning for me.

My session with Lady T this morning went well. We continued talking about my core-belief, and that it was most likely a reaction I had as a child to explain the actions that was thrown against me. That I, as a 6-7 year old, had no control over my life or the desicions taken in it.  I argued that I could have told my mom that the other kids were mean at school, but Lady T thinks that I as a child didn't have a language for that, I hadn't learned yet how to articulate what was going on was hurting me. And since none of the adults in my life at the time were able to see, or in some cases - willing to see, what was going on at school, I had to get the explanations on my own. And for me, the only reasonable explanation was that I'm not worthy of being treated well, I am not good enough. 
We talked briefly about my mom not having enough resources to be able to see that part of my life, and I also don't blame her for that. My Lady T said that most likely I noticed and felt that my mom was overwhelmed and sick, recovering from major surgery (that affected her for years afterwards) and taking care of a toddler, that I did everything I could to protect my mom. It brought back the memory that I often had the yellow pages out on the 911 page, incase I needed to call them for mom.
My homework this week is to look at 6-7year olds and imagine them facing what I faced, and see if I can feel empathy for them. As I'm not currently able to empathize for myself. I feel I should have been stronger, I should have said "No", I should have told an adult.  But I didn't. And since my core-belief is also still tied up with the fact that I believe that I deserved to be bullied and frozen out, because I did not deserve good treatmeant then - or now. It's conflicting.
I told her I'm uncertain if I believe I'll succeed, she told me to try to just observe and see what happens.

Observing.
I'm good at that when it comes to looking at nature. I see the sun rays, the little dusts and bugs flying around. The gradient of colours and hues. The drastic and subtle change in environment. But emotions? Or what's going on inside of me? Not so much, I'm better than what I am, but I don't quite have a handle on it yet. Emotions still tend to run too hot for me to be capable of observing meaningfully. Or atleast so it feels.

We also talked about boundaries, she explored how comfortable I was with her sitting closer and further away from me. I told her if she sits too far away I read that as rejection, and too close as danger. It was interessting to see that when she asked me if I thought she should sit closer I was quite strongly and sure of myself that I would not be comfortable with that. Although I told her it was difficult, because I felt I wasn't really allowed to set too much boundaries, we were in her office. The space where she's the Queen (for the lack of a better phrasing in English). She asked if it would be different at home, and I said yes. Because I would have more freedom of space to move around if she got too close.

I felt like I was in a haze afterwards. Dead tired and exhausted. Drained really, physically and emotionally. She asked what I was going to do for the rest of the day, I said I had no plans - and she wants me to fill my days a little bit more. I agree, but also - the thought of it drains me of energy and fills me with dread. But I did contact a voulenteer group, I emailed them. They responded quite promptly and would love to meet. I just asked for a little information to hear what they got going, and wether it's something I can attend to, or if there's something I can voulenteer with.  I'm terrified, but I'll have to e-mail them back tomorrow or Thursday.

I had a walk after the session, and on the walk I saw a lady with long blonde hair, and my panic rose. She looked exactly the same as the cult-leader-lady. The moment I got home I collapsed on the sofa. I was in no fit state to drive to be honest. But I had no other option of getting home. I slept for a little while and I got up and I watched the movie "Intouchables" (The Untouchable). It's a feel-good movie, and it certainly did make me feel better. It made me feel well enough to go out for a hike in the sunny weather. I drove a while to a spot where I know the chance of meeting on anyone is incredible slim. The sun was hot and nice, the forest smelled beautifully. I would have spent all day there, if there wasn't for a couple of women who arrived too, and got my anxiety running again.  I hope for non-rainy weather tomorrow, I'll go back out then. Car-fuel be #¤&. I need nature, and I need it alone.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 04, 2018, 11:34:08 PM
 :bighug:

love to you
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 05, 2018, 01:43:54 AM
Sweet Sceal
This entry speaks to my heart. 

I'm excellent at analyzing other people.  Their feelings, emotions, backgrounds, interests.....   my own emotions are a completely different story.  Emotions can be overwhelming and I admit I'm scared if many of them.

I'm so proud of you for taking the time and being with nature.  I'm sure with a lack of sleep your body probably wanted to collapse but you did self care and calming instead.  :hug:

I also think Lady T is on to something.  6-7 year old Sceal probably didn't know how to express in words how the other kids treated her at school.

With my grandfather's recent passing, I had to break the news to my son.  My sweet 4 year old cried.  He said that my grandfather was his best friend.  We talked about having good memories that we could carry with us. I asked him if he wanted to play once he had calmed down.  My son said, no I'm just mad at you for telling me that so I want to play with my grandma."  He knows that my grandfather is dead. He knows he is sad.  He just doesn't have the words to be able to fully explain how he's processing it.

Take care darling
:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 06, 2018, 07:15:19 AM
Dear Deep Blue,

It sounds as if your boy is processing his grief in a way more healthier way than what us adults do. He takes time off of his grief to play and be with his grandma. Spending some positive quality time with someone he loves. Maybe it's also good for his grandma to play with her grandson during her time of grief?
I guess there is alot we can learn from children, as much as they can and have to learn from us.

I think that for me at the age of 6-7 there was too much going on at home as well, and that I didn't want to add to the burden of my mom. So instead I became incredible jealous of my younger sibling. I regret that. I didn't understand that I could have gained a valuable friend in my sibling rather than being jealous.

I've been hiking the last two days. My calves hurt yesterday a few hours afterwards. But I had walked for 1.hr 45 minutes or something like that. It's the longest hike I've been on since I crossed several mountains earlier this summer. But I did it in my pace, I did it without pressure, without feeling I had to prove something, or show off, or get some kind of approval. It might be too early for me to actually talk about hiking, because it's still fragile. I don't want that pressure back on.
September and October have always been my favourite times to go hiking. The air is chiller, so I don't overheat so much, and there's less people around, and no hay-fever. All bonuses for me.

I feel vulnerable and fragile still, but mainly just numb. It's like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting to become miserable, because I'm expecting it. Rather than being mindful about how I am in there here-and-now. Writing this down made me aware of it, so I think I'll log off now and be a bit mindful about this thought. See what happens.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 06, 2018, 12:48:08 PM
I don't have fear of dentists, but today I struggled. I struggled because I felt like I was choking and that I couldn't swallow. It started when I was taking pictures of my teeth, the big lumpy painful things inside my mouth and not being able to move. I had to breathe very slowly and deeply to not panic fully. I told the dentist I was stressing, and she calmed me. Telling me I was just to signal her if I needed a break, and she'd go slowly. She told me what she was going to do before she did it. So I leaned back, with her hovering over me (a trigger for me), and I kept breathing. But it was horrible. But I got through it. No holes. Just a little cleaning.

I went to do some "grocery" shoppings, household items and such. I also ended up buying a chocolate and some chips. And boy do I feel overwhelmingly bothered that I ate it all up. Really disgusted with myself, although the chocolate tasted incredible good. At the mall I went to the library, I haven't dared to step inside it before, but I did. I shouldered my courage and walked in the door. I found the section of subject which I am to expose myself to.. And I felt such deep sadness. The sadness overcame the anxiety, I wonder what that is all about. I hope I remember to tell Lady T next week. It's too late to call her today, besdies... I can manage.

My hip and calf is acting up today, I'm wondering if there's a nerve that's being clenched. But for now, I think I just need to lie down. Going out later. Potentially.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2018, 01:51:41 PM
Hi Sceal,
Well done for getting through that dentist appointment, it sounds like it was tough, but you're through it.  Also, your visit to the library, and facing that stuff - well done. 
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 06, 2018, 03:08:36 PM
I think it was pushing myself too hard, I'm beyond exhausted. I snoozed on the sofa for 3 hours. I almost never do that, not for that long I mean. And I feel like a wreck now. I probably need food. But, I am still bloated, and I can still feel the taste of chips, eventhough I've brushed my teeth twice.

I cancelled my plans this evening, it would have done me good. But I literally have no energy, not even to make dinner.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 06, 2018, 08:18:28 PM
I'm worthless. Everything I keep working for just get so easily ruined, or if not ruined then ten times harder because I keep working against myself.
I...$&@!?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 06, 2018, 10:30:34 PM
Sceal,
You have so much worth to me! We all have those times when we seem to work against ourselves. When we are so tired, our judgement is clouded.

You are so much more than your traumas. You are eloquent, thoughtful, and kind even when you don't know many of us personally.  You are such a giver Sceal.  Sending you love and support friend.  Let's just sit together for a bit k?  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 07, 2018, 07:25:41 AM
I don't have words today, deep blue. But I am grateful for you sitting with me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on September 07, 2018, 10:51:44 AM
Sending hugs sceal  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on September 07, 2018, 02:59:35 PM
A safe :hug: to you, sceal.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 07, 2018, 08:26:00 PM
Thank you all,  :hug: to you all.

I am trying really hard to celebrate the victories, but somehow they don't seem to matter. A stranger told me today that I've been through so much and yet I've never given up, and I keep on going.  It was nice of her to say so, to try and cheer me up. But I feel nothing but sadness. I have no interests.
I just want to sleep through this, but I'm not really tired. I just, there's no point being awake.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on September 07, 2018, 08:37:20 PM
I'm so sorry you're going thru such a tough patch, Sceal. How about we go get some coffee or tea and sit quietly on the porch together? You can be sad and I won't try to fix you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 07, 2018, 11:21:16 PM
Sceal,
It sounds like you are having one heck of an EF.  Please hang in as best as you can.  Sending you warm  :hug: 

Don't worry about replying to us.  Just take time for yourself and try to relax.  Maybe just call lady T?  Maybe listen to some music? Maybe read a little? 

Drinking tea with you as well  :hug:

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 08, 2018, 08:56:29 AM
Quote from: Three Roses on September 07, 2018, 08:37:20 PM
I'm so sorry you're going thru such a tough patch, Sceal. How about we go get some coffee or tea and sit quietly on the porch together? You can be sad and I won't try to fix you.  :hug:
Thank you, that - that sounds beyond amazing. Exactly what I need. Some company and also be allowed to be how I am without being fixed. Some spicy tea on the porch with you and Deep Blue sounds so peaceful and lovely.  :hug:


----

There's a documentary in my country that is about mental health, about young adults going filming themselves throughout the weeks and then meet up for a group-therapy session once a week. The self-filming is un-edited, they are crying, they are drunk, they are smiling, they are angry, they are brushing their teeth. It's not all the time, but the people making the documentary cut away alot of the tapes I suspect and put it together in episodes with different themes.
Alot of what they say, they describe their struggles I can relate. They are different individuals with different problems and struggles.
Some have very strict rules they live by, low self-esteem, lack of a good network, being stuck in routines they don't know how to break through from.
And I know, I know that watching these episodes now, when I'm not doing so great is not a good idea. It keeps me down, it keeps me sad.
But I was watching it both yesterday and this morning, and one of the people there is struggling deeply with high expectations and pressure about being best at what s/he does or want to do, but the anxiety is so high that it prevents her/him from doing what s/he wants to do. And one of her/his "homework" or challenges that s/he's being met with by the psychologist is to try and not be so perfect. Not be so Great all the time.
And I thought about that, because I feel I have to be amazing, I have to be good at art. I have to prove that I am active despite being fat and despite having too much time on my hands. I have to prove that I am smart, despite being unable to work at the moment. I have to be clever in therapy, I have to accept and be willing to change and do the homework, even if I don't want to, and it's too far out there for me. I have to be a great friend who never asks for anything, just smiles and are always there if someone needs something. Happy to help, without expecting anything in return. Coming with thoughts and "advice" to others, that sounds smart eventhough I'm incapable of doing anything about it myself.

So I thought, perhaps I need to practice embracing the fact that I am not good enough, maybe it can lower the bar a little. Sharing my flaws more, sharing the bad drawings (I already do that, but I hide it under the pretence of them being quick sketches, and although they are sketches, they always remain that way because I fear I wont be able to finish it, or that if I push it past the sketching stage it'll never be great enough) on instagram. It'll require alot of courage. And I have a huge mass of awfulness in my stomach saying this outloud, or even thinking of it. But maybe, maybe in the long and short run it'll help? At least on that part.

The sadness part.. I don't know what to do with that. It's overwhelming, and keeps me in the sofa, or watching something on telly, or in bed. Just not... doing anything really.
List of things to do today:
Laundry
Cleaning
Drawing or sculpting
Answering Q&A
Reading
Visiting friends in the evening ( I just reached out and said I'm struggling, if they would be up for some visit once the kids are in bed tonight- They said yes! I'm so grateful!)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on September 08, 2018, 12:40:18 PM
Hi sceal
I wish I could help you, I know what it is like to feel so so down that there's no point to even trying. You are allowed to feel like that it's ok, I always feel like I'm getting it wrong by not being more positive or motivated like being depressed is a mistake as well as everything else I do wrong , but it is ok to be depressed about having had all this stuff to deal with that was undeserved, unwanted and unjust it's a normal reaction and once I stop beating myself up for having feelings and just allow it sometimes it helps. I'm not sure what's happening for u but I hope the tidal wave reseeds soon for u
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on September 08, 2018, 01:49:36 PM
Sceal, I'm sending  :hug: :hug:

It's been suggested to me before that I try not to be so perfectionist. a) How do you do that when you believe deep within your soul that you're bad through and through     and b) in my case the attempts to be perfect developed to try and bypass the traumatic experiences of childhood, teenage years and onwards. People can't just come along and bring that all to the surface without offering some other form of safety net.    Idk if that's in anyway similar to your case, but thought I'd mention just in case.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 09, 2018, 05:03:50 PM
@Wattlebird,
Hi! Thank you for your kind words, and for sharing with me your own experiences. And to remind me that I am allowed to feel everything I am feeling, and it will pass once I allow myself to have the emotions, maybe then they wont be so overwhelming.

@Blueberry
:hug: :hug: Thank you, I need alot of hugs these days.
I do want to make things right, and good, and accepted. I'm not sure I'm striving for perfection anymore, as I don't really believe there is such a thing as we all have different views on what is perfect - and then, how could it possible then be perfect to everyone? It seems impossible. But I do strive to be good enough, and yet I feel so lazy and awful that I can't seem to manage to get that going.
It is truly difficult to achieve anything of worth when you, and I, believe deep within that we're just not worthy. We're not good enough and never will be. I never did succeed at being perfect, I wasn't doing well at school, I never got a job that's impressive, don't have a husband or kids or a house - so I feel I've failed on all the aspects that's "required" to be apart of being perfect, or normal, or healthy - I'm not sure what word to use really.

---
My body is attacking me. It started a few days ago, pain in my hips and lower back, spreading down my legs. Yesterday was a massive, massive headache, but it got a little easier while I was playing boardgames with my friends although it returned before I left their house in the evening. Today my headache is gone, but everything from my neck to my toes are painful. Except arms. I worked out a little bit earlier today, and I was so satisfied that I managed to do anything at all, and even more satisfied when it seemed to remove the pain. Only, once I'd showered and eaten my dinner the pain trippled.

I'm still sad, but not as crippling as it was the past week. Although I have Lady L tomorrow, and Lady T on Tuesday, and a first appointment with center for eating disorder on Thursday. Also on Tuesday I'm meeting a woman at the local voulenteer center. I think Lady T just suggested I use the place as a user, and not as a voulenteer.. But I've signed up for a chat to see if I can voulenteer. 2 hours a week, or something like that, surely I must be able to do that? I'm suspecting a difficult week ahead. I'm scared.

I think I might have put too much on my plate tbh.
But, I need to work hard with my therapy until Christmas. I need and desperatedly want so progression, some strong progression to happen. And I know I'll be broken down and tread upon, and having to meet my own ghosts as well as the ghosts and demons of my abusers in the door-way. But I need to gain control over my life.
I need to be able to live life. One way or the other. I think this is my healthy brain talking. Needing to overcome the past in order to live in the present and to have a future to look forward to. But also to gain the control I've felt has been sorely lacking. To be okay with who I am, who I've turned out to be.

But there's also this other side of me. This side that wants me to be "tortured", reminded, re-traumatized, shamed, because - I don't deserve to have a good life. I do deserve to be punished. 

These two sides are currently fighting a very deadly battle about who is actually in-control. Right now, I sadly think it's the unhealthy part of my mind that's winning.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 09, 2018, 07:28:39 PM
My last entry I was numb. I didn't really feel much of anything except the physical pain, which is only getting worse.

I was in a skype call with a friend of mine from abroad, and normally I love chatting with my friend. But not today. I tried to share my vulnerabilities but weren't met. She's had a really long and draining week, and might very well not be able to actually deal with my insecurities as well. They seem to be never ending.

Which is what I fear, why I don't share them with friends that often. I can dare to be vulnerable and say "these are the thoughts I was batteling, this is part of my past - but it's in my past, this is what I've learned from it" Like an afterthought, I can never really show them my face, or my voice when I'm really in need of a supporting friend.  Knowing that she's had so much to deal with this week, it wasn't really fair of me to try and share my insecurities either. I should have seen that, I shouldn't have wanted to or needed to.
I suppose this is the fault in having too little of a network and not enough close friends.

I have a deep desire for SH today, I'm fighting reallly-really hard to not listen. I dared to be open and vulnerable with my friend earlier in the day. It was hard, it was challenging. And I wasn't fully met then either, but I think I was very matter of factly which then makes it hard to be supportive.  I know that if I SH it's a step backwards, I'm allowing the monster and the beast and the demon win. It makes me weaker. But keep fighting this urge is also making me weak, it wears on my resistance, it makes it harder for me to stay strong in other matters. It makes it hard for me to observe what is happening within.

Should: I need the emotions to stop, I need the thoughts to stop circling. I need some relief
Should not: It will only slow down or hamper my recovery, it's destructive and not worth it.

Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I am so afraid of failing, that I don't try hard enough that would ensure me that I wouldn't fail. I try just enough so that I will fail, regardless of what I try to achieve. Just to prove my point I am not good enough. That my fears are reasonable and true. To prove that I am not worthy.  I was doing soul-searching in regards to my art, and desired future profession, but it just... I'm so crippled by the fear and the belief that no matter what, I'll never be good enough. I'm scared, I'm so scared of failing. Of dissapointing everyone. Of never, ever being good enough.

Instead of sitting up and slaving over my desk, writing my ideas down or practicing my art. Daring to pick up the pencil, daring to try out the paint, I get so paralyzed by the thoughts of never being good enough so why trying?  During my soul-searching in art, I discovered that the works that are better than the rest of the crap is because at the time I was capable of playing, exploring and experimenting. It didn't matter how it turned out, it was just something I was playing around with anyway. But now, I can't play anymore. Everything has to be perfect the first time around, or atleast have potential to become perfect the second time around.
All I do is escape, I watch tv-series after tv-series, after tv-series. I listen to music, watch youtube. I go out. But I don't do art. I don't work hard enough on therapy, I should be exposing myself to my fears every day, I don't.
I feel sick to my stomach.

I wrote down all the thoughts. Such as "Thoughts about increasing physical pain without having fallen down and hit myself, thoughts about delaying meals, about halving my meals, thoughts about giving up. Thoughts about being allowed to eat what I want. thoughts about SH. Thoughts about being trapped. Thoughts that I don't deserve to be okay. Thoughts that I need to work harder at everything. Thoughts that I'm lazy" and so forth. I wrote them all down on a paper. I hope I dare to bring it to Lady T on Tuesday and read them outloud. I'm not sure if it will help, not sure if it will do anything other than throw me into further vulnerability and emotional spiral admitting some of the things I wrote down. But whatever, I don't deserve to have it good - so it doesn't really matter how I'll react afterwards.  But then again... she doesn't deserve to be treated like this, given all of this in her lap.
I don't know what to do.

I apologize for my whining.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 10, 2018, 09:27:47 PM
I feel a little better today.
Rough morning, and a long day. But I got out of the house for the most part of it. It helped.

I have written a letter to Lady T for the session tomorrow morning. Talking about my thoughts and reflections.
As I'm sitting here, I think it's rather poorly written. I'm being super judgemental.
I am trying to tell myself that this is a letter I intend to read. Not her, I will use my voice to say the words. And everytime I think about it I start crying I am so scared.
Reading it alout in my voice makes me feel naked, vulnerable.  when I just give it to her I can let my shame control me and I can detach from her, from the situation, from the letter.

I have no idea if I'll manage. Maybe the moment I get into her office and on the sofa I'll chicken out and just give it to her.
Maybe I'll take a sobril before I go there. but that's not therapy productive, and I can't drive the car afterwards. They'll take my lisence for that if I get caught.

!#%¤# I'm scared.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on September 10, 2018, 09:51:14 PM
Sceal  :hug: :hug: it sounds as if you're really pushing yourself atm. Small steps in healing count too! When I try to take steps that are too big, that usually throws me backwards especially into big EFs. A couple of days ago you reminded me that after hard work, we usually need a break. How about you atm? Even just sleeping although you're not actually tired really can be a break. Just a break where there's nothing to do, nothing to "work on" since healing is a 24/7 job. Somewhere we need a break.

I don't think you're whining btw just telling things as they are. You certainly don't need to apologise for doing that in your own journal. Take care!  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 11, 2018, 04:19:10 PM
 :hug: :hug: Thank you Blueberry.
I've been sleeping alot. 10-12 hours daily. As of taking breaks, not been doing much of that I suppose. I watch shows, but my mind keep working.
This week doesn't seem to promote rest though.
I'm exhausted.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 12, 2018, 03:31:14 PM
don't blame you for being exhausted.  i've gone thru a week and a half of heavy duty emotional stuff - this crapola takes its toll whether we want it to or not.  i hope you rest when you can, sleep when you must, get out into nature when possible cuz it seems to be helpful to you, and be gentle with yourself. 

what you're attempting to do is very scary, and not to be underestimated, dismissed, nor denied.  when you're ready, it will happen.  i have no doubt about that.  we all get ready at different times.  i give you so much credit, sweetie, for wanting to do this, for your courage and determination that goes with your intent - to me, intent is a biggie.  follow-thru comes in its own time.

keep taking care of you.  sending love and hugs to surround you with warmth and caring.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 12, 2018, 06:30:49 PM
I'd be in nature if I could. But it's pouring down and rather * weather, which isn't making it appealing. I'm also suspecting I'm brewing a pnemonia. I hope not though, I hope it's just a heavy cold that somehow only sits in my throat and chest... ;)

Today has been uplifting.
I woke up at 6 this morning so I could go on a skype-call with an american friend of mine. We sat up catching up and discussing art. Showing our stuff to each other, and scheduling a new call next week. There was no judgement on the painful art process and self-judgement. He also shared some of his fears and we could both listen to each other. It was very nice. We've both missed talking about art, the process and such. I'm so happy we could make this work, and I hope we can do it more regularly.
I struggled with food though. I ate 4 hours after I woke up, I don't constitute that as breakfast. It was so much food, and I'm ashamed of it. Two eggs and some macaroni. Then I drove out to have coffee with a friend, but postponed because I had a meeting at a voulenteer center so close in time. I had an accident that required me to rush home again though and change clothes. Stressed me out alot!
I got back to the place JUST in time. Exactly as the bell toll so to speak, except the woman I was meeting hadn't arrived yet. So I was still early. But by my own standards I was late. I hate being late.
Luckily for me, I think, that I am brewing on something or another. Pnemonia or a heavy chest-cold. Whenever I get physically sick my emotional reaction tends to be lower, although more unstable, they don't get so intense. So my nervousness for meeting this woman was non-existant.
I think it might be because when I drove down there the second time today, I realized that I can say when or how much I can contribute with, it's not up to her to give me work hours and for me to HAVE to show up.
She's about 10 years older than I, I think. And she just opened up this center this spring, so it's still just getting its feet wet. The conversation flowed very easily, and we had loads to talk about. I'm going to head out there again tomorrow to meet some of the other voulenteers. She was saying she didn't have any keycards to give me yet because she was out of them, Wow! She must really like me already, so early off the bat. I mean, she doesn't know yet.
Though writing this, I am starting to get a little apprehensive. Some ugly thoughts reared up in my head.
She was calm, but passionate. Seemingly down to earth.  Yet, I need to be careful. I need to be very careful. I need to keep them at a distance, I need to remember to not just jump right in, because it might seem like a place I could fit into. I've done that before - that did NOT turn out well. My heart is racing now, realizing this.

I also phoned Lady T leaving her a message. Saying I'd like to join in on the "day-care" group they are starting up next week, or in two weeks. It'll be DBT-content with mindfulness and physio-excersises and such.

Then I went to get my hair cut. I like it short-short. but it was more costly than I remembered. How could I forget?

I ate junk in town. And I ate junk now that I got home. And all I can think about is food. I suspect I'm stressed about tomorrow. And I also suspect I'm in need of being comforted and loved, even though I'd reject that if someone would actually be here and try to give it to me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 14, 2018, 09:15:41 AM
Man, my last entry was a mess. Visually speaking.

I'm exhausted. I woke up an hour ago, exhausted. All I could think about was SH when I woke up. I'm still tempted. And I don't even know why.
I want to cry, but I don't feel sad. Or do I? I don't know. All I really can notice is exhaustion. It's exhausting to be awake, and to sleep. It's a miracle I managed to take a shower.

I went to the eating disorder place yesterday. I took a sobril before I went in, I haven't taken one since maybe january/february? I don't recall. She was very friendly, she herself had struggled with eating disorder in the past and had used the same centre - and now she wants to use her experience for something good. Trying to help others get out of it. I got a homework, she wanted me to make a list of all the things my eating disorder GIVES me and all the things it TAKES away. It can be positives and negatives on both sides. Normally I'll see her every second week, but due to her going away for a week and then Im going away, I'm seeing her already on Tuesday.

I went to the voulenteer group yesterday, to the "hangout" section for kids and youths. We were four voulenteers and 3 kids. Mainly we just had a meeting where we planned what sort of activities there will be forward. I suggested a costume party, so now we're having a halloween party on the 1st of November. Which is kind of cool - I never get to dress up. And now I do. Although, I'm scared of not being dressed up enough, or being too dressed up. And then I'm thinking, it's not about me it's the kids. I'm still nervous about the voulnteer group people. I have to be careful, I'm scared. I'm really scared.
I have this thing where I can't ever, never be late. I have to be early. Preferably 15 minutes early to any activity. But yesterday I was hiding away at my friends place, I was so scared. I got there 20 minutes late. To me that speaks volumes. Because the being early thing is an incredible strict rule, and somewhat compulsive. It can give me panic attacks when I think I'm too late.

So this week has been massive. It's been hard-difficult and painful work. And so was last week. I know I have reasons for being exhausted. But it still sucks.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on September 14, 2018, 02:09:29 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 14, 2018, 02:21:39 PM
 :hug:

I took the bus to town to just sit at the SA support centre. The ladies working there saw I wasn't have a good day and two of them had a small chat with me. It was nice. Made it easier.

I went to the library after they closed. There's a comic festival of some sort here today. I wanted to have a look around, but I'm not feeling it. But I can't afford to take the bus down this weekend and take a visit then. It's now, or next year. I also did my therapy homework that also require the library. Maybe that wasn't the best idea. Sadness overload.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 15, 2018, 05:57:00 AM
TW

I don't know how I am supposed to get through this day, or tomorrow.

Woke up feeling awful, had a dream where I was a woman of a different ethnicity and where my family wanted me to marry. I had three men who loved me, I also had 3 children, but I couldn't marry any of them despite loving them. Because I had been R* and I couldn't do my wifely duties. And all I wanted was to escape, but also not to escape but to be loved and cared for. And then I got cornered up into a wedding - and it was just messy. The only corrolation I have to her is the r* and the not telling my family part.

I've been awake for less than an hour. I don't know how to do this today.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on September 15, 2018, 07:02:36 AM
I'm sorry sceal, when it rains it pours you seem to be in a down pour atm keep talking it out, keep posting ur struggles, share it with us and hopefully that will take some of the load of u 
xo
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2018, 11:11:22 AM
sweet sceal, one step at a time for as many days as you need.  i hope you can allow that for yourself.  terrible dream - i can't imagine how that must have affected you.  i'm with you all the way, sweetie, right next to you.  can sit with you if you'd like, bring you some tea, and just be still for a bit, or as long as it takes.  love you so, gathering you in with a caring, soothing, calming hug.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 15, 2018, 07:36:05 PM
Sweet Sceal,
I'm so so sorry for your nightmare.  I wish I had a magic eraser and could just get rid of nightmares.  Sometimes I wish for a magic blanket to protect me from them as well.

I've been having my share of them lately, and it makes me drag all day long.  I have dizzy spells, irritability, and stomach issues when I'm not sleeping. 

I Bought a new lotion today.  I'm going to put it on before bed tonight.  I'm hoping the different scent will kick me out of my nightmare swing.... till then, I'm holding your hand in this  :hug:  My heart hurts for you sweetie.

Take care and let me if you need anything.
:hug: your friend
Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 17, 2018, 02:01:51 PM
I'm sorry, the days are passing in a blur. I'd rather not be awake, but here I am.  Thank you all for your supportive words and thoughts. They mean alot.

This time around I haven't been hiding for my friends I'm depressed. I've told them, quite bluntly. I've said "I'm in a depressive episode right now" or "It's hard times", they've been supportive - some wants to help, but to be honest.. I've no idea what kind of help I need from them, or what they could possible offer. I don't want to talk with them about why I'm sad. But it's heartwarming none the less.

TW
I read an awful news article today, I'm not going to go into details. But the father was prosecuted and is going to jail and have to pay his daughter a huge amount of money. I'm happy she was believed and the system actually worked in her favour. And I hope she has other support systems around her, because I'm saddened by what she had to go through.
But what I found interessting was that in the newspaper they wrote the girl now suffers from "Post traumatic stress disorder in the complex variant". Which means that C-PTSD has reached the media, and it has reached the court rooms of my country. And I hope that for those who are waiting for this to be recognized that this gives hope and that it's a day closer to being possible.  I wanted to share that with you guys, but didn't know know how. Because this girls story is horrible and she suffers greatly and I hate that she had to go through it.

For myself, how I am doing.. Well, I'm getting more and more into the numb stage of my depression. I don't want to do anything, I don't have the energy to do anything. I've messed up financially, so I'm struggling with that and finding sollutions. I can't afford the bus at the moment, and yet I have to take it several times this week. I only hope I don't get caught sneaking onboard. My body is aching again. Different parts this time though, and although the pain was greater last week - I think I prefer that pain to this one.

My dreams are still active, and although I don't remember what it contained I do remember being relieved waking up from it. Despite wanting to be asleep.

I have an event tonight that's recommended I attend. I think I want to, but I also don't. It would do me good I think, but also... I'd have to take the bus. I'll have to decide in an hour.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 17, 2018, 02:08:15 PM
 :bighug:  and much love.  my heart is with you, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 17, 2018, 04:54:18 PM
Sweet Sceal
How I wish I was there for you in real life.  I wish I could chase away that dark cloud that is upon you now.  all I can say is that I care about you and I'm still here if you need anything.

Remember, you come first Sceal.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 18, 2018, 06:44:59 PM
I ended up not going to the event. I was missed apparently. That's new!

I had a meeting this morning for the eating disorder center. It was a nice talk, we didn't talk so much about food and body-image. More about how I feel I am being met in society and in the healthcare system with my scars and diagnosis. She's going to start a new job, so I'm going to get another contact person. I'm glad it's happening now in the beginning and not in the middle of a "project".

I went to the art supply store and had a chat with the owner. It was nice. It was supposed to be super windy and super rainy today. Instead there was a warm wind and loads of sun. I think the sun helped raise my mood somewhat. I sat at a café waiting for my appointment at the SA support centre with Lady L. And sitting there I was able to work more on a personal art project I'm planning on doing once I start at the gallery. And that gave a sense of purpose, a sense of.. I don't want to say accomplishment, but something similar. One step closer.

Talked alot about SH with Lady L today. She said I had a different kind of energy about me today. And she was right. I felt better today.
I still hate my body, loath it. I hate feeling it's presence. I'm still shameful, and I'm still sad. But today was somehow lighter all the same. I'm back to feeling that everything is a little meaningless again. But it's not so overwhelming, but it might because I ended up doing some SH this week-end, and it might have released a little pressure.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 18, 2018, 11:22:21 PM
i still love your body when you aren't able to, sweetie.  i accept it just as it is.  i'm looking forward to you finding the way to do what you need to be your best, healthiest self.

glad you feel a bit lighter.  sorry you had a bout of sh over the weekend.  dang, we all go thru this, don't we.  i think that as we continue recovering, those bouts will become fewer and farther between.  hang tough, sweet sceal.  love you much, big hug full of encouragement and support.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 19, 2018, 02:56:10 PM
Thank you San. For saying so, but there's a voice in my head telling me that you've not seen it, so then it becomes easy to love.

It seems I only got to have one lighter day. Today has been filled with a whole bunch of nothing. Physical pain, boredom, flashbacks, thoughts and vivid imagery of me deserving to be hurt. Impulse of SH is back again, didn't last long. But at least I had yesterday, and atleast I haven't acted on it yet.

Got  a message from my roomie, he had a meltdown at work and is on his way home. I've been worried about him for a while, he hasn't said anything but his eating habits changed. And he usually go toward the unhealthy bit when he starts feeling bad. I don't think he knows himself what's wrong yet, I really hope it hasn't been me. It's really hard to live with someone when both is down in the gutters. I'm scared, I feel anxiety. My heart is racing, and it's hard to breathe.

I have an appointment with Lady T tonight, I've never seen her this late in the day before. So that is new. I think I prefer to see her mid-day, or around lunch... Unless she's planning on giving me some extra time? But that would make me feel bad, because surely she wants to go home to her sons, husband and have dinner? I don't want to take up her time unnessecerily.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 19, 2018, 04:29:39 PM
sweetie, it's her job, she's an adult, she knows her schedule and what her family is or isn't doing.  maybe the kids are at friends' houses tonite so she has time she wants to spend with you.  it's ok to let her make her choices as to whether she wants to be with you or not.

as far as loving your body goes, i love it for encasing the essence that is sceal.  that outer wrapping is just that - outer.  it has held onto you, tho, the inner you, the reality of who you are, and i love it for that.  i love it because it has kept you walking and talking and writing, battling the beast, getting you to where you need to go to continue your battle.

i tend to look at people thru their hearts, and yours is beautiful.  your body has held that for all of us here, has held it for you so that you can be the generous and giving person you are and enables you to do what's needed to get you healthier on every level,   

i've had friends and lovers with all differently-shaped bodies.   it's their essence, when it's nasty, that makes even the most glorified model-body or picture-perfect face seem downright ugly.  i accept yours the way it is, and if/when it changes i will accept and love that, too.   love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 19, 2018, 06:22:37 PM
I echo all of what San said.

I love your body too for the same reasons!  Abusers are ugly to me, no matter how perfect their veneer.

You are so thoughtful of other's time.  Lady T wouldn't see you if she felt rushed or wouldn't have time.  I make my T remind me of this weekly!! If she didn't want to treat me anymore she would get rid of me.  Lady T cares about you and would never ever consider you a burden or that you use her time unecessarily.

Let me tell you as well, you never ever deserved to be hurt. Not by yourself or by anyone else.  :hug:
Sending you support hon,
Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 20, 2018, 09:46:14 AM
Recently I've looked into doing something with my time other than sitting at home or at treatment. So I contacted a voulenteer centre to see if I could do something there. It turns out I can. The first meeting with the lady-in-charge made me very nervous, I had some reactions I was not prepared for before the meeting and had to deal with. The meeting itself went very well. I couldn't believe I was talking so freely, I wasn't being super shy and quiet. But I asked questions about her and her thoughts and ideas and such. It felt like I was someone else, and when I left that meeting I felt pretty ok and I arranged to pop by during 'opening hours' the following day.

After I left my defence mechanism started to cool off. And I started thinking through this new adventure. They are still in the start-up phase, which would make it easier for me to get to know everyone since everyone's new to it. I might be able to come with suggestions and ideas for events and such early on, and get a new and different role. Be productive, effective and helpful to society. They are also closely knit to some of the things I enjoy doing. So in a way it's the perfect voulenteer centre for me. For the healthy me.  But, and there is a but...

It's triggering me. I am beyond terrified that this new group, these new people, will turn out to be similar or just the same as the previous group I was involved in. I tried to nail it down with Lady T yesterday what it is that scares me so much, and I think it is several things - but I am not quite are able to follow the thought fully through. I stop it, because my anxiety levels gets so high. We explored it, and she spoke to my brain. At the end she realized that speaking to my brain wont help me, because it's in my body and in my heart my fear lies.

I am terrified that they will use me, that I'm unable or wont be allowed to set boundaries for things that I am comfortable with. I am terrified that they will start using me more and more, and tell me they are dependent on me, and in that effect trap me emotionally. I am terrified that they will shame me and guilttrip me. I am terrified that I will burn out.
At the same time,
I am terrified I'll be a dissapointment, I am terrified that they will reject me, I am terrified that they will freeze me out and I am terrified that I am not good enough.

My Lady T suggested I tell the lady-in-charge that 2 hours is all I can manage for now, but I told her can't. I'm terrified that if I set that boundry she either doesn't accept it, and slowly more and more start to demand things from me, crossing my boundary. Because I really, really want it to work. And also, I don't feel I am allowed to set a boundary, I don't deserve that. It's too much to expect of me at this point. I have already said that I wont be able to make it every week. She pointed out that if I don't set a boundary I might sooner or later end up being burnt out and having to quit, and wouldn't I dissapoint them then?
This of course created a conflict in my mind. I hope in a way they'd be dissapointed, because then I would have done something right, but I don't want to cause them undue harm.

Yet I don't want to be harmed either. It's very confusing, it's very scary. And I feel like crying.

The reason why she is triggering for me, is a few things. When I first e-mailed her asking her if they needed voulenteers and if she could tell me a little about what they do the email I got in responce was so positive, so enthusiastic and to me.... well, overwhelmingly positive. It sounds stupid, but there it is. And when I met her she said she's an archeologist and she's a teacher at a school. We also talked about a topic that used to be very dear to me, and an interest that I used to have alot of positive experience from but that the "cult" ruined for me. And it got too close, too similar. She was also ready to give me a keycard the first day, and ready to set me in work and all of that from the get-go. It's very flattering, but it's also the same way the "cult" operated with me. They flattered me, made me feel wanted, made me feel like I belonged and then they started taking away my identity, manipulating me, removing me from my outside friends, talking trash about my family.

It's so similar first meeting and impression.
And I am so very confused. I desperatedly want to believe that most people are good at heart. And I desperatedly want to believe that this group of people want to do something good for others, to offer a place to be for people, and things to do. To create a community in a society that's very individualistic. And I do want, like most people, to feel belonging somewhere. But I've tried that before, and that didn't work out so well.
I can't trust my own judgement.

And this fear, it's in my body, my heart. It's not my brain, so trying to analyze it and figuring out things the logical and most likelyhood - I don't think that will work. And I don't know what will work.

I of course will keep going. I've said I want to try it out, and I promised I'd be there next thursday - I was unsure about this thursday. I still am. I feel like throwing up.

I also told my Lady T that I get very confused in regards to pushing forward, or stepping back. I can't tell the difference between when I need to push myself to go through with it, and when my body and mind is telling me I really need a break. I know I have a high tendency for avoidance, and I need to work on that. I feel I put myself outside my comfort zone alot, but it's different than working on avoidance. She says it's important to go when anxiety is high, so I can experience that it's not so dangerous, but at the same time she also thinks that since it's only once a week, it might not be helpful as exposure therapy, because it's so far apart and it might just make my anxiety worse and worse and worse.  So, thinking about it. I'm very confused to what she meant. She both thought I should go, but also she thinks it wont be good for anxiety levels? Maybe there's more to that conversation that I don't remember.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 20, 2018, 03:04:25 PM
Sceal,
Maybe Lady T is trying to ultimately leave the decision to you? Maybe she doesn't want to tell you which decision to make so she was trying to weigh both options for you?

The scenario being "familiar" can rattle that hypervigilance for sure.  Do you think there is a way that you could just put your toe in the water so to speak? Small involvement and then decide?  Just a thought.

Here if you need me
Deep Blue
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 20, 2018, 08:17:03 PM
Deep Blue,
Lady T always lets me know that I can choose, decide. But this was more that she was trying to discover something along side with me, and trying to find the best possible sollution right now, as well as validating that it is hard, it can become a real challenge and could make me worse. But I do think I'll have to tell her next friday (so long!) that she confused me. Unless things get so bad I have to call her. I hope not.

---
I lost time today. I was reading a journal entry here on the forum this morning and suddenly I find myself at the SA support centre in the middle of an anxiety attack and a semi-known lady was trying to talk me through it.  (Disclaimer: The journal didn't trigger me. I was trying to un-trigger myself by reading around on the forum and forcing me to think of someone else. I triggered myself by writing my other entry today and it just escalated into dissociation. It wasn't anyones fault here on the forum is what I'm trying to say).
I eventually calmed down, I don't know how long I was there before I got help, or how long it took me to get from the busstop. I don't even know which bus I took. I have two options, and they both end in different places of town. One would take me 45 minutes to get there in travel time alone. The other would take me 1 hour. So there's atleast 1 hour of completly lost time.

I had two other anxiety attack at the centre, but they were smaller. I was mainly left to my own devices, I usually am. Because I sit down in a chair that's a little seperate from the "common sofa", both are in the common area.

A friend of mine met me in town for coffee, it was very nice. It was exhausting, but he know I'm struggling. I got to talk alittle about my confusion and then we started talking about tv-shows and dating scene, his job and normal things. Then he drove me home.

I've eaten two slices of bread with cheese on them for breakfast, then I had a kind of pastry, kind of not, kind of thing. It wasn't a meal, it wasn't filling, or anything. I don't even know where I got it from. An Ice-coffe, a mocha coffee, and then chicken and salad when I got home. The ice-coffee and mocha certainly gave me more than enough calories today. But food-wise, healthy, regular food... I'm struggling. I'm ashamed.

It's finally time for bed for me. Thank god.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 20, 2018, 10:52:28 PM
Sweetest Sceal,
I'm so sorry that you lost time. Important thing is that you made it to the support center.  At least your autopilot got you there.

I'll meet you on the porch tonight  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on September 21, 2018, 10:43:22 AM
Sleep well sceal sending prayers of peace and love to give u some top quality snooze time
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 23, 2018, 08:00:30 PM
Thank you darlings  :hug:

----
[Trigger warning: SH]
My emergency appointment with my GP on friday was good. She tried some scare tactics that didn't work, but she did say something that is working. And my Lady T has asked me similar questions in regards to SH. She asked me to picture children being treated with the same kind of treatment I'm doing to myself, or to imagine someone doing that to children. And is that okay? No. A big, loud resounding No. So the question comes then, why is it okay when I do it to myself? I know my inner demon will tell me it is because I do not deserve to be treated better. If no one else can punish me, then I must do it for them so they don't have to.  But this behaviour and line of thought will not help me get better.
Trigger warning End

I felt she woke me up a little, a part of me that's been asleep. I've been trying to explain it in words to myself what it is that happens when my mind is tuned out. Because it's not really tuned out, I am awake. I know what's going on, I know where I am,  but yet I become incapable of making a choice, of doing anything. If I start something, within 5-10 minutes I've stopped. Doesn't matter if it's self-care, cooking, cleaning or drawing and there's No willpower to continue. It's not like I am overwhelmed by thoughts of "this is utter pointless, this is meaningless. Nothing matters", those do arrive, and I do dissociate. But it's not those things I'm trying to put into words. Its the life in between. I haven't found the words yet. I hope that when I do find the words, then I can start questioning it, and find a way out.

Tomorrow I start a new treatment program that lasts for 6 weeks. I am going up to the psych.ward 3 days a week for 3 hours each time. It's mindfulness, it's body-movement (I have yet to understand what this part is), it's physical activities and it's group therapy. This is in addition to my weekly session with Lady T. I will also go to Lady L weekly or every second week. And then also I will get a new Lady at the eating disorder place.. I haven't met the new one yet, so I don't know what to call her yet. Lady-something obviously.  Suddenly my life seems packed. And I'm a little overwhelmed by all of this. I have decided not to think about it, but suddenly it's sunday, and I start tomorrow. And I haven't prepared myself. And I space out.
I have a battle within me. Should I fight to remain "concious"? Should I do everything they say flawlessly? Should I pull myself together and be awesome for those 3 hours? Should I be whoever I am?  Should I allow myself to space out when it gets too much? Should I space out all the time, so I don't have to deal? But if I do that, then I wont gain anything from it. Maybe just in the beginning, but then I'm loosing potential. Lady T will be there on wednesdays, and somehow that scare me more than meeting the other "directors" (Not all of them will be therapists. One is a nurse, one is a physiotherapist...).

So many thoughts.

Yesterday I went visiting my parents for dinner. I asked my mom to cook extra so I could bring back home for dinner. It was delicious. Best food I've had in a while. I even managed to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner AND evening meal today. That's impressive.
Anyway, I was visiting them and I pulled out some old photoalbums. And my mom said "You smiled all the time as a child" (it doesn't quite translate well), and it was so nice to hear. It was clearly me on all these photos, so much thoughts I'd forgotten. I think I need to go back there and look at them again. Look at that smiling child. I do smile now too, I smile all the time. But somewhere along the way it became a defence mechanism rather than smiling from the core of me. I don't recognize her, I don't remember her. but I'd like to be her again.

The me that I do know is curious. Curious about people, curious about how they think and work and how they see the world. Curious about what they do with their lives and why they choose the way they do. I'm also curious about different fields of work and expertise. And I like exploring, finding new ways to solve problems. But somewhere along the way I became so wound up in having to do it the RIGHT way. Eventhough I don't believe that there is one set way for one thing.. so how did this happen? Where did these thoughts come from,whose thoughts are they really? but more importantly... How do I rid myself off them so I can go back to being experimental and playful?

How can I see the world in colours again? I think I need to buy myself a set of play dough.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 23, 2018, 10:35:21 PM
Sweet Sceal,
Sending you love support and strength this week.  We are here if you need us. 

Deep breaths  :hug:
:grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 24, 2018, 08:20:56 PM
Thank you dear  :hug:
---

Woke up feeling nothing. It's hard to describe this nothing-feeling. It's not apathy, it's not numbness, it's not emptyness. It's just nothing. I didn't really notice it until later in the day. Nothingness does that, it's hard to notice because it's such void of everything.

There are several support people involved in this group thing. There's a few nurses, a few psychologists, a few physiotherapists, but not all at the same time. There will be two support people present each day. So when I arrived I ran into the two nurses that's havin the monday section. I know them both from 2 years ago when I got admitted to the psych.ward. One of them is on the crisis team, and I was meeting up with her because my therapist at the time had gotten a new position at a different hospital and I still had 1.5 week before I was getting admitted and I needed extra support in that time. The other nurse is a nurse at the psych.ward and we've had many conversations. Still though, this is 2 years ago, and they both remember me. I always find it peculiar how healthcare personell always seem to remember me. You can tell the difference between those who really do remember you and those who just say they do. But I'm always amazed, I know how many people they meet in a week, in a month.. Not to speak since the last 2 years I saw them... How the *!% do they remember me?! I mean, I'm curious to know what sort of impression I made on them... But I'm too scared to ask, incase it was a bad one and they're just too polite to tell me.  ;) This isn't the first time this has happened, the creepiest time was when a former Psychiatrist remembered me from 11 years ago!! (at that time) I mean. WHAT?! 11 years? I remembered him too, but mainly because he never wear pants that actually fit him in length, they are always too short. Always. I know I had him as my therapist for a very brief time, 6 months at the most. And how the he#! does he remember me!?

Anyway, reakfast meeting went with saying our names and introducing this group thing and talk about the week to come. Then we had body-work "lesson" with physiotherapist. That also went fine. But this is when I noticed that I wasn't really present. I remember when I was still studying and easily overwhelmed and more often than not pushed into dissociation Lady T told me that if I was less than 80% present then I shouldn't do any more activities that day and just go home. I estimate I was 60% present during body-work. At the end of this hour the physio asked us if we had any thoughts, and one of the other patients said she felt so many emotions rushing at her and she didn't like it very much. I could see that several others agreed with her with this. This is the point I realised the nothingness. I felt nothing. I could barely feel my body. We were standing on those "porcupine pillows", you know, the pillows that physiotherapists have with a bunch of soft pressure points in them, and they are filled with air? And you're supposed to stand on them, to increase circulation, or activate pressure points underneath your feet, or for balancing practice. We were using those at a point, and I felt nothing. Just standing on some wobbly balls.

During lunch most of the folks went down to the cafeteria. I had an orange and 3 carrots with me, I only ate the one carrot. I was sitting next to the nurse and it was comfortable. Suddenly Lady T showed up and had lunch with us, and then everyone else came back, and the nurse moved seats away and I sat between two strangers. Although, the same strangers as during breakfast meeting. But my body started reacting.
I started having trouble breathing, and my foot was jumping away like rabid dog. I still felt nothing. I could emotionally connect with the signals my body was sending me, the signals clearly showing I was anxious. So I stepped out of the room. Lady T followed me. It was sweet of her. We had a brief hallway talk, I thinks he noticed I was emotionally disconnected.

Then it was time for mindfulness. It went fine, I was still not really present. But we talked about relations to others. What sort of positive qualities do we like in our relations to others and which do we not like. We all have more or less the same wishes for positive relations. And it is very nice to connect in a way with strangers that way. Deeper conversations are always interessting to me. We got to the mindfulness part where we were focusing on breathing, and I do struggle with that. It always increases my unease, stress and anxiety. It tends to provoke anxiety attacks rather than making me mindful of the moment. Other mindfulness tasks work better for me. Less provoking. I should probably give them feedback on this, and see if there's something else I can do. Or if I just need to try and practice it more with a more open mind?

Afterwards I managed to compliment the psychologist in the room on her sweater. I really meant it, and I think she could tell. Because I always get flustered when I'm trying to give someone a heartfelt compliment. It looked really nice on her.

On the way down to the parking lot I was walking with one of the other patients and I ended up asking her if she wanted to join me for a cup of coffee. Surprising both myself and her. She thought I was brave to ask, and I didn't feel proud. It was just right. I mean, if it was too soon, or if it didn't fit that day - I gave her the opening when I asked. She said yes though, and we had a really deep and great conversation in the middle of the mall surrounded by retirement people. It was like we skipped over all the "the weather sure is nice today"-small talk that one often start a new relation with. We ahd coffee for about 2.5 hour. I think we were both really spent afterwards. I know I sure was.
When I got back to my car I was a little uncertain if I knew how to drive it. Somehow I managed to get home.
ZOMBIE!

But it was a nice day. I expect the rest of the week will be equally tiresome. Except for tomorrow ALL my days are filled with stuff. I'm not sure how I'll manage all of this. I somehow managed to make dinner, and that helped. Clearly, I hadn't consumed enough nutrients during the day. Yet, I will struggle with eating more than I did today.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 25, 2018, 06:54:05 PM
I wish I had felt all the things I needed to feel yesterday. Today has been crap.
So much physical pain after all the distancing yesterday.  Shame and sadness vulnerability tongiht. I tried a helpchat line, but it didn't help. Made me feel worse. I guess I didn't run into a good match on the other end tonight. I can try again, but I'm not sure... Seems pointless when I'm having such a hard time putting words to things.

SH urge is strong. Think it'll be an early bed
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 25, 2018, 09:31:47 PM
Sceal,
Going to bed early sounds like some good self care.  I'm so sorry your body is keeping the score this week.

Here with you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 26, 2018, 05:50:07 AM
Woke up at 05, with urge to SH and an anxiety attack about later today.
Haven't done anything, but I need prepare for the day, and I really don't want to. I wish I could get out of today.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 26, 2018, 11:42:18 AM
Didn't manage to calm my impulses I'm afraid. And it also didn't help much either. So double lose-situation.

I went to group today, anxious as *. I drove up early, and I looked at the clock and it said I was an hour early, and in my mind I was like "I can't refuel my car now, I'll be too late", and I had to hit myself on the head (mentally, not physically), refueling my car will take 10 minutes. I have plenty of time. But my anxiety was so massive I needed to be there early, super early. Just in case.... of what? I've no idea. No clue.
Anyway, I refueled the car bought a few pears and drove up. 45 minutes early, first one to arrive obviously. Which was a good thing, because I was more or less in a full blown anxiety attack by this point. I entered the room, the nurse was there. She smiled and said good morning, and I was like "nope.. Sorry, need to..." and I left the room. She followed me, and helped me through it. Bless her. The iron grip of anxiety didn't leave me though, and I sat stiff as a.. i don't know what is stiff?  Lady T was with us today, and she took me out on the hallway after we started to talk a little with me too.

It was challening topics today, and examples. And I felt judged alot, or not judged - but like they were pointing out all my flaws. And I know they werent' talking about me, that this was the Inner Critic and the Iron Fist talking to me. But I got more alive, and more present as the time went by. We had a mindfulness session, and it truly worked today. it was such a relief. Still uneasy, but - I could smile. Like actually smile. And at lunch I was able to participate in the conversations.

I didn't join them after lunch. This was what was triggering my anxiety. On Wednesday we're taking a fieldtrip out of the hospital and onto different venues, or we can go to the gym. And I couldn't decide. I couldn't choose. I didn't want to do either, both became too unpredictable, and both became too much for me where I felt I had to perform, and I'm too tired for that. And I got scared, and my thoughts kept going back and forth. And we were recommended to choose beforehand, and I couldn't. and I felt like a complete failure, and I felt I had to. That I had no choice. Turns out, I do have a choice. And turns out, it's okay if I don't join them when my day is too hard.  So, it's all good.

Also learned that I really do need to think things through more. Question things more. "Why am I anxious now? Why does going to the gym scare me? Why does going to x scare me? Is it because it's a group-thing? Is it because I'm afraid of judgement? What is triggering my anxiety now? And is there truth to my fear?"
Perhaps I should make up a core setting of questions on a note that I can ask when I start going in circles, beause it's so hard to stop up and find the right question to ask to answer.


Did not intend to write so much again... Ah well!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on September 26, 2018, 12:26:34 PM
That's a good idea have the questions written down somewhere in ur phone on a card whatever and read them when overwhelmed, I think I'm going to do that I will put them in my phone, I wonder if I'll read them ? Shrug, it's worth a try,
I glad your day improved seal, I'm sorry it started so badly - I arrive an hour early to therapy every week, anxiety   :yes:
:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 26, 2018, 01:18:11 PM
I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with the being-way-to-early thing  :hug:
I should figure out the questions and put them somewhere too. I wont use my phone, I don't like using the phone for much tbh. Strangely enough, despite being on it everyday. Another realization!

Why am I on the phone all the time? Hmmm!

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 26, 2018, 04:25:11 PM
I'm proud of you Sceal.  You are doing the work and I hope all good things come your way.  I hope each day ahead gives you more insights, understanding and peace.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 26, 2018, 07:54:37 PM
Thank you Deep Blue, unfortunately my spirits were kicked in the nuts tonight.

I went to a panel debate about mental health, performance demands, education and society. On it sat a student, a teacher, a political analyst and two professor in psychology in their various fields. They talked alot, but I am left with two thoughts and that is A) the high demands that the youth, young adults and kids feel today is so destructive but whenever it is talked about it's about how they need to change - but... It's the older generations that brought us up ( I feel I kind of fall between these two generations... one foot in each) they need to start implementing the changes in themselves before they can say the youth need to be kinder to themselves and one another. They need to take responsibility for what they have created. 

And B).... The distance between those who manage life and those of us who fall between the cracks is getting deeper and further apart. At the same time the politicians are cutting the wellfare funds to scare people NOT to fall through the cracks. (Dam#"@$! I had no choice! I didn't want this) making life harder for me financially, and making the climb back up near impossible.. the future I had is looking bleaker and bleaker. And it's frustrates me to no end when people say I'll make it. It feels invalidating, I understand it's meant to be supportive, but it isn't. It makes me feel even more alone. Even more a failure when I don't live up to the expectations people have that I will make it.

It's something people in my country often say "you need to be da@$4 healthy in order to be sick" you need all the strength and resources a healthy person has to fight the illness, the system and demand your rights.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 27, 2018, 06:59:25 AM
Big trouble falling asleep yesterday. I kept waking up. First because of noise outside, then because of dreams and in the end due to physical pain.

Now I got a text message from SA support centre that Lady L is sick and has to cancel. I hope she feels better soon, but this is really terrible timing for me.
I'm so full of anxiety, I don't want to stay at home. I do have a hairdresser appointment. But that's not going to take away the anxiety. I have the voulenteer centre tonight. I feel sick to my stomach each time I think about it.
I will see Lady T tomorrow and another group. And then there will be an empty week-end.
I don't feel so good.
I could call Lady T, I'm allowed. But I am going to see her tomorrow. What if she feels I'm nagging? I saw her yesterday at group.

Breathe...breathe... breathe..
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on September 27, 2018, 10:35:47 AM
Hey sceal
:hug: your a good person  :hug:
Thanks for encouraging me with my problems, just do one day at a time, call ur t if you have to, I hope you do ( if needed )
:yes:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 27, 2018, 10:48:25 AM
 :hug: thank you.
I did call her, but she was busy.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on September 27, 2018, 11:02:26 AM
 :applause:
Good work-  sorry she was busy
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on September 27, 2018, 11:24:31 AM
Hey Sceal,
It seems you are in the thick of it my friend.  Good job reaching out to Lady T.  I wouldn't worry about being a nag.  You are not a nag. You are just someone who needs their help right now.  Deep breath

You can also use the support line again.  Maybe you can call a friend a chat on the phone? Maybe curl up with a heating pad for a bit?

It could be the lack of sleep my friend.  Everything is off kilter when I'm not sleeping  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 27, 2018, 03:51:57 PM
Lady T called me up again, it just took a long time. She called me at the end of her working day. I  had just sat down on my desk and started writing pro/con list for going to the voulenteer center today when she called. She was impressed I was using DBT-skills to try and sort things out. I started dragging in other troubling subjects too. The future and my fear of it. My exhaustion and shame of not performing well enough at group. To me it's all connected together, she said we'll talk about group tomorrow, and then we'll find a time later on to talk about the future. Which is good.
I also told her I felt my friends were invalidating me when they told me to stop being negative, and she supported me that my fear is valid.
I told her my pro and con list, and she said I had alot on both. I said I had a thought that maybe I should just postpone starting up, that I don't have to either start fully today, or not at all ever. She thought I was being very wise-minded, whatever that means.  She suggested I write the head of voulenteer center that I've just started up a new treatment program that's pretty intensive and taking all my strength - and that I would like to postpone my beginning. I like the word "treatment program", it suggests it has something to do with health - but not which part.

Somewhere in all this mess or words I started crying.

I feel guilty for cancelling. But my anxiety has also left me. So instead of coping and patting myself on the shoulder of a job well done, I'm overeating.
And I've no idea if I'm doing this as SH, or if I'm doing it for another reason. I can't see straight.

In group yesterday, a word was mentioned. A single word, but it hit me so hard because it describes my depression perfectly. I wish it existed in English, but it doesn't. The closest things are "Paralysis" or "Powerless to act", which to me mean other things. But still.. it's the essence. I feel powerless to act when I have to make a desicion. "Should I, should  I not?" "What time should we meet?" "What should I cook for dinner?" "should I eat? should I not?" "Should I go to the hairdresser, or not?"

Blueberry is working on removing the word "should" from her life. And I think it is brilliant. Should is such a toxic, demandig word. Yet I've a hard time letting it go, I don't know what else to replace it with. But perhaps I can learn from Blueberry?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on September 27, 2018, 04:03:36 PM
QuoteSo instead of coping and patting myself on the shoulder of a job well done, I'm overeating.

Then let me do it for you. Bravo! Good job!  :applause: :applause: :cheer:

I agree, shoulds can be toxic.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 28, 2018, 09:52:42 PM
 :hug:  Three roses!

4 hours of therapy today.

4 hours on Monday to come.


It feels that whenever I open a new door within me, I forget to close the other one. So they are all open at the same time.
It's confusing.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on September 30, 2018, 05:21:28 PM
At first I thought that I'm back to my normal self. Or the normal-me that I've been the past few years. The moderatedly depressed. But not depressed enough I can't deal with it. But I do think my depression is a little deeper than my usual one.

I went to see my family yesterday for dinner. It was hard to pull myself together and not show them how tired I am. I didn't want to tell them it's because of therapy - because I don't want to tell them what we're talking about in therapy.
It was good getting out of the appartment though. It was.
Today I'm just... I'm full of self-hatred. I really am. I yelled at my roomie for no reason, he doesn't deserve my toxic shame and anger at myself. I apologized and he asked if I needed a hug. I do, but I said no.

I feel so awful today. I'm not looking forward to 3 hours group + 1hour session with Lady T focusing on self-harm.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 01, 2018, 12:05:08 AM
Hey Sceal,
Sending you love and strength for the week ahead.  We know why you are tired and I'm sorry you needed to hide it from your family.  That can be even more draining to work to hide something.

I wouldn't worry about snapping at your roommate. His offer of a hug means he understands.  Even if you said no... it means he knows that you were not really wishing him ill. 
:hug: from me to you since you said you needed it too  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 01, 2018, 03:51:14 PM
Thank you Deep blue, yeah my roommate understands it's too much right now. I can't hide it.

I dissociated during group today. I fell quite far away. I could hear voices, and I could see that the light was on. But it was like I was a prisoner in my own body. I couldn't move, I also don't remember anything of that time. One of the therapists took very good care of me, and helped me back to reality. I wish I knew what triggered me.

After that I somehow had to manage navigate the therapy session with Lady T. She said she saw how tired I looked. It was an interessting session.
We talked about the word "should", about being kind to myself, about working towards a connection between theory and practice. Between mind and heart.

I asked her at the end, the surgeon has set me up on an appointment in November. I asked her if I should delay further, but she was taken off guard, and couldn't quite give me a proper answer. She said no, I don't need to delay, but maybe we should talk more about it next session. And I'm scared. I'm scared that she meant it in such a way that means my therapy is coming to an end. I'm scared that's the truth.
I know I have to move on at some point, but we haven't talked about the R*, any of them. And I don't want to start over again.
So now I am scared. I'm scared that by saying yes to the surgery, or not postponing, she's also saying we're coming to an end sooner rather than later.
I don't want to let go.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 01, 2018, 04:48:27 PM
Maybe it means that she sees enough growth in you that she trusts you would be able to take care of yourself post surgery?

Maybe she means that surgery is a step towards recovery?

Remember I was worried about that a couple weeks ago?  Seems like a long time ago.  It's hard but I think it's better to just wait and see what Lady T has to say first.  Then feel free to share your fears with her about your time coming to an end.

I feeling more like myself again the last couple of days.  I'm around if you need anything.  Even to talk about nothing  :bigwink:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 01, 2018, 05:32:15 PM
The surgery has little to do with my c-ptsd or my pd. But it does require 6 weeks of recovery, and it will inpact my mental health to some degree. It's meant to improve my physical health, nothing more.

And if she sees that I'm strong enough to handle this on my own, she'll find me admitted to the psych ward sooner rather than later. I don't want to be the eternal-patient, but I'm not strong. I can't do group therapy for 3 hours without dissociating, or getting such high levels of anxiety I stop functioning. The days between group has been spent sleeping and barking at my roomie. This doesn't describe someone who's functioning well.  :fallingbricks:

Maybe I have become the eternal swing-door patient. I don't have anyone I can talk about this with, not even Lady T. She'll kick me out the door even sooner.
My friends will brush my concerns off like I'm being silly. They only see the functional part of me. Of course they do, no one wants to socialize when they feel like crap, and no one wants to be around folks who arent capable of interacting. But it makes me feel invalidated, it's not pleasant.

I'm going on a trip in a few days, I hope it'll be uplifting. But right now I've no idea how I'm going to be able to socialize all day long, morning til I fall asleep from thursday to tuesday. Oh god I'm dreading this. This was going to be the highlight of the year, why do I have to be like this now.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on October 01, 2018, 06:10:55 PM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 02, 2018, 01:45:08 PM
 :hug:


I snapped at roomie again today. I told him no, he wouldn't listen. Then he asked for my help for what I said no. I said no again, and he told me to stop being difficult. And I said he's being a fu*"#% baby.  He called me a child. Whatever.

I don't feel well. I don't feel like I'm functioning at all. I don't want to travel.
I don't want to be at home either.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on October 02, 2018, 02:02:08 PM
Anyone who needs to be told no more than once really can't complain at being snapped at, sorry sceal I hope you feel better where your at, it horrid to not be comfortable in your own place.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 02, 2018, 05:34:51 PM
Thank you wattlebirds. I'm just so tired of having to look after him. I just want to move out, but I can't afford it.  :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 02, 2018, 07:01:18 PM
I think I need to write. So I suspect this will be a long post that might end up getting cut off due to wearyness.

Firstly: I am worried about that Lady T is thinking of slowly starting to end our working together. I worry about this due to various things. 1) I'm really worn now, and the thought is unbearable to loose her. 2) I suspect I will end up either admitted to the psych ward by my PD, or get a new referral to them. I don't want to start over again with someone who doesn't know me. And someone I'll have to re-learn to trust. 3) I feel we've taken a break from working on the actual trauma's, and I'm not quite sure why. Did I do it, or did she change topic? I feel we're digging and then letting go - and it's not enough for me. I need help moving past it all. 3) The way I am right now - I am definitively not fit for work.

I'm going to see Lady T tomorrow as part of group, I wonder if I should ask if I can get a couple of minutes and bring this up. Or if I should let it wait and let it ruminate until next session, which will be after my vacation. She was also observing me alot last week, and it makes me unnerved. I know she was simply just having an eye out for me. But I feel I have to perform even more now, and that it's a performance I have to do rather than a healing thing. I would really like some aspect of my life to not be about performing. Last Wednesday (she's there during Wednesday group) I was struggling with a major anxiety attack, and I didn't dare look up at the others, she told me I shold try. And so I tried, and eventually it got better. I don't know how to act tomorrow now. I don't normally plan this, but now I feel I have to. And it's stressing me out. We're also going to the gym tomorrow with group and a bunch of others. I couldn't find my long-sleeved gym t-shirt. My SH has more or less healed and I think it's only noticeable if you look closely at my arm. Doing physical work-outs are important, and I've been slacking since my depression hit. I know, and it probably hasn't done me any favours by not working out.

I got the notice from the hospital that I got an appointment with the surgeon in November. I'm scared. I'm scared both, because I'm scared I'll loose Lady T. Maybe she's tired of me, or maybe my progress is too slow. But I'm also scared that I have to re-consider what that surgery will mean for me. For the rest of my life. It'll be a complete adjustment, and I got a feeling that I don't really know what that will entail. I also don't have control over food at the moment. I eat. I do. But I skip lunch, It started with me not going to be seen eating in public by the group. And I'm not entirely certain why that is. But I've noticed that me not eating lunch is really affecting me. My focus is lowered and i don't get full advantage that I might have with enough glucose to my brain.
I went on the scale today, and it said I'd gained 20kg since beginning of August. I know that has to be BS. The scale must be wrong, so I handed it in and got a new replacement. I can't have a scale that is potentially incorrect. If it is true and that I have gained 20kg, then I give up. I truly give up, nothing I do works.

I'm also going away this week, for 6 days. I'm meeting up with international friends, and some that I don't know. I'm nervous and I'm scared. I have been looking forward to this trip since I was invited along. I want to impress them, and I also want them to see me, not the PTSD, not the PD, not the exhaustion.  But I don't know who that me is. I don't know what to expect, and I'm also terrified I wont get enough rest that I need. I don't want to go have a nap during the day while the rest are socializing and having fun. I don't want to miss out. I wont see them again until who knows when!
I know I am ruminating tonight, and making a mountain out of a anthill. But mindfulness isn't helping, and neither is asking myself questions.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 03, 2018, 11:24:47 AM
I talked to Lady T. Fear was unfounded.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 03, 2018, 12:26:42 PM
so very glad your fear was unfounded, and that you found the courage to talk to her.   yay, you!

altho i know this whole surgery thing is very frightening for you, i also know that you've been working hard toward getting it done and having things taken care of.  sweetie, i can't tell you how proud of you i am, how much progress i see in you (including standing up to your roomie, setting those boundaries, etc.)  and how your own confidence in what you're doing and need to do is increasing.  it's heartwarming to see.

sending love and a hug filled with encouragement for your movement forward. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on October 03, 2018, 03:30:01 PM
That was a courageous step sceal, I'm not sure I could do this congrats
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 04, 2018, 02:57:48 AM
Wattlebird, I think you can surprise yourself with what you'd dare. I know I surprised myself yesterday. I think it was because somewhere inside I valued peace of mind while going abroad rather than let it hang over me as a dark cloud.

Dear San, the suregy itself I'm not afraid of. But I'm afraid of the changes it will mean. It will be good ones for the body, but it will be hard in social situations and while traveling.
Saying no to my roomie didn't work, as he didn't listen and I had to help anyway.  :P but I tried.

The days are still hard and overwhelming. It requires more strength than I have at the moment to get through the days. So this trip will be a real challenge! But I think it will leave me with more positive memories rather than negative ones. And we all do need to collect more positive memories to overshadow the bad ones.

I called my friend who knows me who will also be on this trip. Shell arrive after me, I told her what to do if I dissociate or if I get an anxiety attack. She said she was very grateful that I told her, so she could help and know what to do to help if anything should happen. Lady T reminded me it'll be more of a burden to my friend if something happens and she does not know what to do, rather than me letting her know in advance. I also told my friend she's not responsible for me, and I hope she won't feel that way.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 04, 2018, 08:55:03 AM
Quote from: Sceal on October 04, 2018, 02:57:48 AM

The days are still hard and overwhelming. It requires more strength than I have at the moment to get through the days. So this trip will be a real challenge! But I think it will leave me with more positive memories rather than negative ones. And we all do need to collect more positive memories to overshadow the bad ones.



Hi Sceal, Just popped in to say 'hello' and I also wanted to wish you some strength to get through the days - and I hope the trip you've mentioned here will be a good one, and that your hope to have more positive memories will be realised - and that the bad ones will stay in the shadows.  Wishing you some 'light' and some 'happiness'.

:hug: to you, Sceal.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 17, 2018, 02:06:53 PM
Hey Sceal,
Just wanted to pop in and say hi.  Hope your trip went well.  Sending you love and a hug  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 20, 2018, 06:39:10 PM
Thank you both, Hope and Deep Blue  :hug:

I am sorry, this might end up to be a bit long, it might not. We'll see..

The week before I left on my trip I got a letter to be called in to the surgeon, I asked Lady T if she thought I should postpone it. She reacted in a way that made me scared, scared she was thinking of ending my treatment. I asked her about it, on the day I was leaving for my trip. And she said no, she had no such thoughts at all. Which gave me a huge sigh of relief. I felt I could breathe, I hadn't realised I'd been holding my breath for 2 days.

I went on my trip, I was nervous and anxious. Filled with "what ifs" and rumination. My body took the toll. I was so full of pain I didn't get any sleep the night before  I left. The pain went away the moment I realised I would make it, and I wouldn't miss my flights or layover connections and all of that. It was quite an interessting observation. When I landed I was going to meet up with two girls I've never talked to before. I realised I had no idea what they looked like, but we found each other. They were nice, we were all zombiefied after having to get to, our various, airports at 4 in the morning. We got to the house we were staying at and I was overwhelmed by hugs and big smiles and more hugs from strangers. The awkwardness of no one remembering each others names the first day, and no one really knowing anyone except for maybe one or two. We were 16 people in total.
I have never felt such belonging to any group of people in such a positive way. Ever. It was beyond amazing. We were all scared, nervous and excited and we bonded so quickly. So many hugs throughout the week! I also had one person I have known for years there, and we connected to a whole different level than before. We had some hard and deep conversation in private, there were tears, there were support. And I love her even more now than ever before. Except for one woman who rubbed my feathers a little, it was delightful.

When I got home the good energy was still with me. The day after I got home I had group and people kept telling me I looked so much more energetic and better. I felt better. I was happy! Grateful, and just wonderful. The day after that I had a meeting with the eating disorder people, I got to meet my new contact person, and my former contact person suggested I might be able to freelance for them occationally. It was a wonderful question to be posed, I would love it if that would happen.

But then, of course it wouldn't last. How could it? I had my session with Lady T, and she told me she's leaving her job - she got a new job offer after new years. I tensed up, apparently, because in the patient journal it says I got stressed. All I remember is that I tried all I could to keep my composure. 5 minutes after her session I was supposed to have group therapy. I couldn't hold back the tears, so several times I had to leave the room because I got so overwhelmed. I really hate this, I really really do.
My friend suggested I ask her if she's going into private practice and if I can follow her there. I ended up spending a week writing Lady T a letter, everytime I sat down to write it I'd fall into tears and be overwhelmed by my emotions and sadness. Until I got so distanced from myself I could write it all down. It was written down in a humble and jumble without much emotions present. She was grateful for the letter, but by the point I saw her for my next session, I was so sure, so da*ed sure that she was angry with me. I was asking too much, I was being too needy. I was not apprechiating her enough, I wasn't explaining myself well enough. Whatever, I was terrified. I was tempted to not go, but my "good girl" "syndrome" and over active sense of duty made me go. I was shaking, I was avoiding all eye contact, I could barely get up of the chair from the waiting room. I wanted to flee. But I followed her upstairs.
The first thing she told me was that she wasn't angry or annoyed at me. I guess I was oozing fear, and she knows me well enough by now that any form of conflict sends me into a state of fear.
She didn't say I could follow her, neither did she say I couldn't. She didn't mention what her new job is at all. Only that she hadn't told anyone she had been applying except for her family.
I had written her some questions I'd like the answer too as well, she's going to give them to me in a written format, like I asked. Like an assessment. Honestly, I don't care so much what's in the letter - I just really want something from her. I do have a handwritten note with my homework on it, but - yeah...

I have to accept that she's leaving, she was bound to leave sooner or later. Or she was going to send me off on my way before I felt comfortable enough to be standing on my own. It was going to be either one of them. I am grateful that I got to know her for as long as I have, and I do have her until Christmas. Yet I do find this incredible difficult. She knows, I think. I've mentioned this on several occations before. She's not the first time I've had to change therapist throughout the years, but she's the second one I've wished wouldn't go. I have decided to send her some flowers on my last session with her, I don't know if I will be brave enough to hand them to her myself, or if I'll just have a courier send them afterwards. Who doesn't love flowers? Hopefully she's not allergic - and even if she is, I think she'll apprechiate the sentiment.

I also wanted to invite her to my gallery show, if it ever occurs, because it is in large inspired by my journey together with her.  I might write that in my card with the flowers. I don't trust myself from actually saying it without going into emotional overdrive.

I suppose this is the summary of how things have been lately. It's incredible sad, mixed with incredible good memories and connections to new people from all over.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 20, 2018, 10:23:36 PM
Wow Sceal,
So much! I read every word.  I felt the fear with you and I do think flowers would be a really nice gesture in your last session, no matter how you deliver them.

Are they going to bring her replacement in for a bit before she leaves? I've seen them do that in therapy before so I was just curious.

More than anything I just wanted to say you mean a great deal to me and I wanted to send you  :bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 21, 2018, 08:18:02 AM
Hi Sceal, I just wanted to say that I hope that you'll be able to get through this - I really hate any sort of 'Goodbye' or even a transition or change - and I want to say how much I hope that you are ok.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I wish I could say more, but somehow I struggle to find the words. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 22, 2018, 06:46:32 PM
Thank you, you two darling people.  :hug:

I don't know Deep Blue, I don't know yet if she is referring me to one of her colleagues. If it's not one I know already, I will probably be allowed to meet them beforehand.  That's how I met Lady T.

A supportive hug is exactly what I need right now, Hope. Thank you so much!

Today has been hard. Though I don't quite know why. It started fine, I got out of bed easily enough and did my morning stretches and drank my tea and had a nice breakfast. (or was that yesterday? - no, I'm sure it was today.. right?). I got to group and suddenly there was two new members. I was unprepared. they weren't posing as a threat, I didn't feel threatened by them. But I was not okay. I was anxious, I started falling out. The nurse asked if I was okay, I said no not really. So occationally she'd whisper to me, encouragingly. She made sure to be close by me all day. After breakfast meeting it was Body-Work, I started attending, but I froze. Then it gets fuzzy for me. I think I was in the body work room, or was that in 2016? Or was it both?  I don't know. Suddenly I was crying ugly and loud in the hallway gasping for air. Alot of back and forth.
Then we were having roleplaying, the nurse and the psychologist was having roleplaying, but they were angry. And I deal very poorly with conflicts. I had to keep telling myself it was a roleplay, it wasn't dangerous, it isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real. 

I've been weird since I left group today. I feel weak. (not in the demeaning sense of the word. I'm not judging myself here, I just feel weak).

I skyped with a friend while she did inktober and I did some watercolours. It grounded me a little.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Lady T. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to plan for this. I hope she has a plan.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 22, 2018, 10:29:52 PM
Wow that's a hard day for sure.  I hope you are able to get a little relaxation this evening.

One of my friends did inktober too.  What a fun idea.  Since October is in full swing I will be doing some pumpkin sculpting soon.  It's the only time I really feel artistic  :disappear:

Just sending you more support for tomorrow friend.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 23, 2018, 01:02:45 PM
Thank you Deep Blue.
Although this day has been emotionally raw, challenging it has also been good. I can't quite write about why yet. But I am taking my win for today. It's enough right at this moment.

Pumpkin carving sounds like fun. I hope you get a good one this year
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 23, 2018, 02:59:11 PM
 :bighug:

i'm just glad you're here.  wanted you to know that.  love always, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 23, 2018, 07:10:39 PM
 :hug: to you too San. I am very glad you are around as well!

Trigger warning
I read my journal. Lady T considered me suicidal a while back. I had no idea. I wonder what I have said to make her consider this. The way she phrased it made me think she believes this is a constant in my life, that there is a suicidal tendency just under the surface. I don't think I agree to this.
Life might be hard at times, painful and heartbreaking - but I don't want to die.
I can say that right now I honestly want to live.  And that feels good, strange but good.
I have some upcoming challenges I need to face, they will be hard. But I believe I can do it.

These days are so important. I know I've had them before, I know it's not many months ago where I felt I could take a bad period again and be fine. Right after I said that I fell head first to a near bottomless pit. I am still struggling, I'm still down in the pit. But today, at this moment I have hope.

Let's see if that is still there tomorrow
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 24, 2018, 12:23:44 AM
Whose journal was it? Did lady T have you read her notes about you? 

I think you are doing the work and i agree that she may have been wrong in your assessment then.

On to bigger and better things  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on October 24, 2018, 01:21:15 AM
QuoteI am taking my win for today. It's enough right at this moment.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:fireworks:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 24, 2018, 11:04:55 AM
i'm loving this new belief in yourself, sceal.  it really shows the strength you have garnered for yourself over the past year.  i know that we'll still falter, slip, sometimes even fall, but we keep getting up again, and, to my mind, that counts for everything. 

i do hope your lady t has a transition plan in place for you, too.  having to let go of a good t can be very difficult.  such a big loss on so many levels.  it sounds like you're getting prepped well for it, tho, and i'm glad of that.  she's giving you plenty of time to get used to the idea, have conversations about it with her, and easing you into the change.  it might be a bit rocky for you for a while, but i have no doubt you'll come thru ok to the other side.

sending love and a warm, supportive hug, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on October 24, 2018, 11:29:04 AM
Well sceal I've just caught up on your journal, so much has happened, your holiday sounds wonderful what an encouragement, then the disappointment of your lady t, what ups and downs you've had these past weeks
Just wanted to send some hugs  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 24, 2018, 09:55:45 PM
Quote from: Deep Blue on October 24, 2018, 12:23:44 AM
Whose journal was it? Did lady T have you read her notes about you? 

I think you are doing the work and i agree that she may have been wrong in your assessment then.

On to bigger and better things  :hug:

It's my medical journal. I can access it online. She doesn't know I have read them, but she knows I got access to them. :)

Haha, thank you three roses ❤️

Dear San, I trust her. I think she will find a solution that works well for me long term. I believe she listened when I told her what I feel and how I think about this.

Thank you so much for the hugs Wattlebird.  :hug: and than you for reading. I haven't been able to catch up on everyone yet. But I will. I promise.

---
Full on massive anxiety and flashback round during group today. I was stressed before going in. I tried to calm myself down. But I didn't get quite successful with that. I worked hard keeping my anxiety down and staying present. In the end it was too much. Lady T was there, she found me curled together in a corner on the floor. She coaxed me back. Tears and snot was running. I got to sit there for a while after group to gather my wits and get grounded. I was there for an extra hour with the nurse.

Mind and body is pretty knackered. I might call them tomorrow and ask if it's okay to take my anxiety medication. I know they aren't so fond of me taking them when I am in therapy due to reduced effect.. but me fading off /getting anxiety attack doesn't really help either.

My mood is okay though. I know why this happened today. Left over reaction from the last week and from Monday. New people, the group is too big for me now, poor sleep and inability to de-stress properly.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 24, 2018, 11:24:08 PM
Sceal,
Do you find it helps you to be able to trace the steps of what causes the anxiety attack.

I wish I could be there for you.  That panic attack sounded like a rough one hon.  I'm glad you were able to get grounded.  It's tough sometimes when the panic attack is that severe.  I would have just sat with you while you grounded.  I would just be near you but wouldn't bother you. 
Sending you so much love dearie  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 25, 2018, 09:45:17 AM
Deep Blue,
identifying the source of the problem is helpful during the buildup of my anxiety - because then I can try and use my brain to tell me that there is no threat to try and calm down my system. But it doesn't always work, most times it doesn't. I need help from others, I guess it's because I don't trust my own perception. And also because of that "but what if it IS real danger"-voice that screams louder than anything else.

Afterwards it helps me in the sense that I can try to learn from it. Like yesterday; We all know that when we don't get a good night sleep it really does affect us. All the reserch says it, and we all have felt it. "Waking up on the wrong side of the bed"-kind of thing. But often in society we don't allow that to be a good enough reason. But I know, that for me, when my sleep does get off for a few days I will spin out of control. I know this is a huge vulnerability for me. Time and time again I've experienced this, but it takes time to accept it. And I think I finally did. I think I also finally accepted that eventhough a situation might be over, and it has hope, and it might have a better outcome than I first feared, those reactions doesn't let go within me the moment the problem is solved. It stays within me for days, worst case weeks. And it makes my vulnerbility even higher when facing new situations.
Knowing all of this makes me not beat myself up too much in the aftermath of the lengthy anxiety attack, and the fact I couldn't complete group therapy properly. I didn't join the rest of the crowd to the gym. I intended too, but suddenly they were all gone and I was still crying and rocking, and being overwhelmed by sounds on the floor.  it has taken me a long time to get here, and alot of hard work to not beat myself up because I have an anxiety attack.

I feel sad about it, and I feel sad I might have affected other people's days negatively.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 25, 2018, 10:01:29 AM
Sceal,
I think I do the same to trace my steps to find out what caused the anxiety attack.  I think it is very important to resist the urge to beat ourselves up for having them.  It's hard but try not to worry about how it affects others.  They are on their own journeys and you are on yours.   :hug: take good care
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 25, 2018, 10:18:21 AM
 :hug: thank you dear
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 25, 2018, 01:35:16 PM
sceal, my dear, just want you to know i'm with you,  you're going thru such a huge transition right now, and, as you said, not having everything in order, like your sleep or that the group has increased in size can surely knock our socks off.  no matter what, you are getting thru this.  at times it may be messy, but we're allowed to be messy every so often.

i relate to wanting to take anit-anxiety meds every so often. i do that with xanax.  sometimes it just feels like everything is so piled up,  and i need a break so my mind can re-calibrate again.  it doesn't happen often - maybe twice a month - but it makes all the difference. 

keep hangin' tough, sweetie.  sending love and hugs, always.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 25, 2018, 03:51:39 PM
Saw Lady L today.
The conversation was triggering but I pushed the feelings down. Now I feel so awful.
I feel like screaming and crying and collapsing on the ground. But I can't do that. I am on the bus home. So many people and they are all do scary. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere.

I think I finally found a description that works somewhat to how it is right now. It feels as if my nerves are on the outside of my body. Exposed to take in everything. Every sound, touch, emotion from others, every movement, and it's stuck. I can't turn it off. So it keeps overwhelming and flooding me with all these experiences and impressions. I can't handle this. I called Lady T today, asked about the anxiety med.  She said it was my choice, which made me feel stupid for calling and asking.  But she said maybe I need to try it tomorrow. And on Monday just bring it with me and take it if I need it. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on October 25, 2018, 09:12:11 PM
Medication has helped me enormously. Every day I take something for my anxiety. However calm and rational I am (which may not be much compared to others), I owe it to the meds. I just can't do it on my own. I'm gradually accepting that it's okay to need something to even out my internal landscape.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 26, 2018, 08:22:33 PM
I'm glad that medication is helping you, Three Roses. It is okay to need medication, we can't control our chemical imbalances with our thoughts or self-soothing in a big enough degree for it to have a lasting effect.
Normally I choose not to be on medication, everytime I'm on regular anti-psychotic or anti-depressants I gain 15kg in 1-2 months, that I never seem to be able to get rid of.  My anxiety medication I try not to use as well, it's highly addictive - the one that I get prescribed. But I did take one this morning.
And I felt a calm within my body, sometimes it started getting restless, there was hints towards something being too intense for me, but due to the pill I remained in control and in the driver seat. It felt good. It really did.
I was able to participate, I was able to pay attention, I was able to interact with the other group members.
It was a hard day for the rest of the group, we watched an animated movie for 5 minutes about self-compassion. It triggered everyone. It's a very good animation, but it came a little out of the blue for some, and I suspect most didn't expect to have such a reaction as they did. I tried to be there for a few of them, in a small capacity. I never know how much I can do when I'm a patient too, I mean when there are professionals around that is supposed to do the job so I don't have to. But at the same time, we're all humans and it feels wrong not to try and support. So I did a little, I hope it was okay.

But it did take a toll though, I'm exhausted. I really am. I think I'm going to take one more pill today before bedtime. My system really do need to be forced to calm down. I can feel my heart racing almost all day, and I normally never feel my heart racing, not even in a panic attack (might be because I'm focusing on all the other things!)

All this stress that's going on is making me comfort eat. Alot. Candy every day. I'm so ashamed, yet I do know that I do need comfort, I just don't have any other means of self-soothing that works. I really don't.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 27, 2018, 06:46:17 PM
Hi Sceal,
Sounds like you've had a tough day today, but glad you felt that calm in your body - and you got through your group session - I feel sure your showing of compassion to the others was a human trait that is helpful.  I know you're exhausted, so I hope you get some good quality sleep tonight.  Sleep well if you can.   :)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 28, 2018, 08:18:55 PM
Thank you Hope, I've slept alot this week-end and that's done my body good I think.  :hug:

Today has been hard, emotionally. I've felt so sad, and I've been so angry with myself for overeating, for having lost control over the food again. And I worry for the future. I don't quite know why I'm so sad today, nothing sad has happened. I haven't recieved any news. infact, I've been alone 98% of the day. My roomie has been concerned the past two days, I guess I must be eminating something. Funny it happens when all I feel I need is rest, and not when I feel I need support and understanding.
I wanted to buy pizza today, but I'm low on  money - and I'm going abroad again in 2 weeks. It took me all day to stand against myself for buying, then in the end I made spaghetti.. I barely touched the food. It didn't taste anything. I'm not sure how it's possible to make tasteless spaghetti.. but there you go.
I've been longing for bed since 17, it's a little over 21 now, and I can start slowly work my way towards bed.

tomorrow is group, it's the last week of group. Suddenly I don't want it to end, eventhough it is taking all my energy.
I am also sad, I realize.. That christmas is coming really soon, which mean Lady T will be leaving. And it hurts, maybe that's why I've been sad all day, without realizing it.
It's also birthday season. My sister had her birthday the other week, and mine is at the end of november. It's tradition and sort of "obligatory" to have a family birthday dinner -except... I never feel anyone ever wants to be present. My parents, I've mentioned this before, travels abroad in november every year, and they are always gone on my birthday. It hurts, I'll have to admit that. It makes me feel like an unwanted burden. Like they want to escape. But at the same time, they are the ones pushing for the family dinner and gets upset if it doesn't happen. It's weird.
My sister doesn't want to celebrate her birthday next year because this year didn't make her feel particularly wanted.
I guess this is also making me sad and stressed. I just don't like to admit it.
I don't like to admit this is affecting me. And I don't like to admit that I feel like a waste of energy to my parents.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 30, 2018, 07:22:19 PM
I'm going to try something new. I'm going to split my journal posts into two sections. One for the bad, painful, stressing stuff and one section to remember the good things that happened during the day. Because I want to try and remember the positives more than the negatives.

The Bad Stuff

I'm feeling raw and vulnerable. I'm terribly insecure about my skills as an artist, and I fear that I wont be able to reach the goal I've set myself, or that I'm simply not skilled enough. This fear is so strong and it is preventing me from daring to take the smaller steps to improve. I feel I should draw every day, most of the entire day. And I feel I should have come so much further than I have. And the stress, guilt and shame of this is... it's really heavy to bear. I highly suspect that my brain is deflecting again. that what I really do need to deal with is that group is ending on friday. And I'm scared of going back to everyday being the same. Despite the fact that group has been extremely hard for me, I've pushed through it. Somewhat.
But it also means that Christmas is approaching like a storm, the time is going so fast, and I am scared to loose Lady T still. Even if it might have a sup-par sollution to it, I am still scared. I don't know yet what that will look like, or if it will even come to fruit.
Next week I'm going to meet the surgeon for the operation, and I feel I need to get a step closer to the desicion if I want to do this or not. Some days I really do want to do it, and other days I'm terrified that I'd be making a horrible mistake. What if the consequences of that surgery is harder to bear than what my current health-state is in right now? But also... am I in the middle of choosing to be in the bad place I am now, because it is more known and familiar? And is that really the choice I should be making?  I kind of don't want to be that person that stays within my comfort circle just because I'm afraid that the thing out there can be worse than where I am now.. Because, who says it's worse? What if it's better? Or what if... it is just simply different?
So many questions, and no one to ask them to. Because I know I have to find the answer to them all on my own.

I've also started being thirsty. I'm usually never thirsty. So I'm obviously concerned that I finally ended up with diabetes. God I hope not. Please, no one more thing... I mean, I know I can deal with it, but I'd rather not. I'd rather not have one more burden on my shoulders to carry around. My eating is out of whack. I'm comfort eating. It's not nessecerilly ALOT of food, but it's candy everyday. A little chocolate, maybe some crisps. Or more carb filled food. I don't even like chocolate! I'm not guilt eating, just comfort. I need comfort. I was thinking maybe I need to find another way of giving myself some comfort. I don't quite know what that can be though. If anyone has any tips on that, by all means, I need suggestions. Even if they might not work.

I also feel like I'm a burden on my friends. They do tell me that they will be there for me, and that they are so grateful to me. But I feel like I'm constantly being negative. And I don't mean to be negative, I just honestly need some support.

My sister is going to start looking for houses now. I'm happy for her. I really am. But it also sucks, she's younger than me. Has a partner and dogs.. She's on disability, so she's not successful. But getting a house and a home to be happy and comfortable with. That's been my lifelong dream, and right now I just feel even more like a failure.  I need some candy  :bawl: :'(

The Good Stuff
It's cold outside now, but the last few days it's been sunny. I didn't go for a walk today, eventhough I could. But my body was so worn out, I decided to let it rest rather than pushing it past my exhaustion level. I think my body and mind is still recovering from the extremely stressful last two weeks. I did stay out in the sun though, almost all day. I was at my parents to fix up my new desk. I had my brother inlaw fix my livingroom table into a new computer and drawing table. It was too big for the living room, but I like the surface of the table. He has cut it smaller, and fixed taller legs on it. So now I'm just making it look prettier. I cuddled the dogs alot too, playing a bit with them and petting them. I had lunch and coffee with mom, and I lay down on the sofa to continue reading my fantasy book when I needed a final break from the table.
I've tried to cheer up my sister, and help her find sollutions.
I took a shower and I did some laundry. All boring tasks, but nessecery. I even called the student loan thingy to ask them a question, and they were helpful. I'd been putting that off, because it's scary.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 31, 2018, 01:13:00 PM
Hey Sceal,
I agree that the decision for surgery is one you have to make yourself but it doesn't have to be on your own.  I think you can ask those you care about what they would do.  Do you know anyone else who has had the same surgery? Maybe you could ask them too?

As far as candy, if you need to comfort eat and want sweets, sugarfee popsciles or jello is low calorie.  Lollipops last awhile and are not high in calories.  What are crisps? Are those chips? Popcorn with 97% fat free is great crunchy and filling.  :hug:

Spending time in the sun sounds great.  We have trick or treating tonight but it may be a wash... lots of rain expected  :witch: :umbrella:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on October 31, 2018, 06:59:46 PM
Hi Sceal,
I'm glad you've had a rest and I hope that you feel somewhat better for it.  Sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok.  I haven't read all of your entry in your Journal, I read the Good Stuff - and I wish you more of that, plus the strength to handle the bad stuff. 
Hope you are cosy and warm tonight - I saw that Deep Blue mentioned that it may be a wash outside.  I hope you're dry inside, Sceal - or wherever you want to be. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 31, 2018, 08:50:35 PM
Deep Blue,
I got mixed answers from the people around me, but they are just as clueless too. One of them said she'd rather move to Russia and eat rotten carrots than go through the surgery and she's a doctor! Makes me a little scared.  But it's more the informed knowledge I am lacking. I don't really want to discuss it with people who doesn't understand biology. you know?

Also, crisps is chips, yes :)

Hope,
Thank you for wishing me more Good stuff and strength to handle the Bad stuff. There is definetively raining here. Although Deep Blue and I doesn't live on the same continent :D ;)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on October 31, 2018, 09:12:12 PM
The Bad Stuff

I slept really poorly last night. I was so ready for bed. My mind and my body was so tired when I finally got out of a call and went to bed. It was cozy and cold in the bedroom, but alas no sleep. I drifted off and on a few times, but my bladder was extremely active and I had to pee at least 3-4 times. And everytime I got up and had to walk into the light of the hallway and bathroom I'd wake up a little more.  I ended up having a very bizarre dream right before the alarm finally went off. I was driving somewhere, but it was the wrong direction. I needed to be somewhere else in 2 hours, but then I was having huge problems controlling the car, the roads were REALLY zig-zaggity. Was hard staying on the road, and suddenly I was in this national park for extreme adventurers. Where we could camp, drive on old fallen trees, and loads of weird *. It ended with me being mauled by a puma. Which is completely random. It was a quick dream though, so I wasn't quite at my strongest attending second to last session with group.

During group today we had of course about my most favourite subject: Radical Acceptance. We watched a video I've watched twice before, but I understood things a little differently this time. And I made some notes, and I had a few thoughts about this subject that wasn't completely throwing me off into the mental-tantrum-mode. But then there were discussion about the subject in the group, and at first I felt like such a slow-poke. Because this was the first time many of them had heard about this subject and they all seemed to get it.

But then they started talking about forgiveness for them selves. And at first I thought, that sounds nice. But then I realized what that meant, and I couldn't. Memories kept attacking me. They weren't quite flashbacks, because I knew exactly where I was, what day it was, and who was talking. But I was overwhelmed with shame and sadness.
When it comes to forgiving, I realized that... The one part of me who has the "power" to forgive simply wont, but it's such a small part of me. Most of me simply, truly, believes that I am not worthy of deciding who should and shouldn't be forgiven. I don't believe that I have the right to forgive anyone, that right doesn't belong to me because I am not worthy.
And then I kept being attacked with memories over and over and over again. It was hard. But I stayed, and I was fighting the desire to fall into a dissociation. It wouldn't have been hard, it would just have made me let go of the present. But, i had decided that today I was going to participate.

After mindfulness we had some extra time, and they started talking a little bit again and I decided that I could leave the room now. So I did. Lady T was there today, and she followed me out.

The Good Stuff
Lady T was at the group today, and despite being sleep deprived I managed to socialize a little with her during breakfast meeting today, other than sitting akwardly beside her. I complimented her on her yellow sweater. It looked really good on her. Today she was a safe-person for me, she wasn't one who I felt I had to perform for. Which was a nice change, maybe because last week I had a melt down and she was there helping me out of it tears, snot and saliva and it all.

Second half of group today was going to the gym. I didn't feel like it, I was still feeling sad about the things I mentioned above, but I decided to join the rest of the group there and I'll just see what would happen. I ended up going on the threadmill for 20 minutes next to one of the physio-therapists, and I noticed that although it wasn't a huge workout, the sadness was leaving me alittle. I wasn't feeling great or motivated. But I was there, and I started getting restless so I looked for other workout things to do. I got some guidance and that helped. In the end I worked out my legs and my arms - and I ended up feeling alittle proud of myself.

I checked in with myself, and I realised that what I needed today was to stay at home and chill after group. I was going to make a proper dinner and read a little and draw some, and rest. So I cancelled on my support-friend. I'll see her tomorrow instead. I'm happy I didn't push myself out today, perhaps this is one step of learning to balance things. I mean I -could- have done it, and it would have been nice. But it might not have been what my mind and body needed.

My sketching and studying went better today than yesterday. I felt I got a bit better handle on it today, although I feel I could have drawn alot more than I did, I am satisfied with what I did do. And I'll try to keep that in mind.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on October 31, 2018, 11:55:31 PM
Sceal,
I'm still loving this good stuff bad stuff split. Some of the radical acceptance stuff could possibly go in the good stuff portion though right? U like that video right?

I love that you talked to Lady T without feeling the need to perform.  I think that's huge and I'm so glad you noted it.  Much love my dear
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 01, 2018, 04:25:57 PM
i'm also loving your good/bad split.  i agree with db that some of what you've written under 'bad' might actually be something positive for you cuz you've realized it, verbalized it.  it might start making a shift to the 'good' side eventually.  that would be nice.

your undecidedness about your surgery is completely understandable to me.  it's a huge decision to make.  i hope you find some informed sources to talk to.  are there any online resources where people who have had this surgery talk about their experience?  i think the medical profession could be contradictory.  of course, so could be experiences.   it just might give you more insight into what people have gone thru which could help you better make a decision for yourself.  best to you with this, sweetie.  it's a tough one.

you're tough, tho.  keeping it together during group, being mindful, going outside your comfort zone for the gym, and then wanting more - yeah, you're a tough cookie when it comes down to it.  as far as forgiving, i think that decision will come in time.   it's so personal.  i go in several different directions with it, often depending on the circumstances.

love you, sweetie.   :bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 01, 2018, 08:59:01 PM
To clarify the Good and Bad section:
Sometimes there will be parts of my day that fits into both category. Then I'll have to make a "desicion" on where to put it. If it has mostly, or leads to a Bad experience/emotion, that's where it will end up. Even if parts of it is good. And this is so I don't diminish the discomfort or pain, but also so that the parts I put in the Good section are the memories I want to keep purely as a good memory. If that makes sense? :)

And it's also to avoid me ONLY putting perspective on the negatives part of my days. There's some studies that show that when you write down a memory or/and re-think about it and go through it again, it will become a stronger memory, and easier for you to pick back up again as a part of who you are. This goes for both bad and good events. But having cPTSD and MPD, the negatives are usually the things that get the most attention. So... just trying to strengthen my brain a bit.

Also, unsure what to do with the things that are neither good or bad... they just are. I'll figure it out eventually.

The Bad Stuff
Once again I slept poorly. My body is so sleepy. I had a hard time motivating me to do anything today, despite having quite a bit to do. (I ended up doing nearly all of it, but more on that later). It's frustrating that I'm so sleepy and unmotivated. I have a doctors appointment next week because I fear I am getting far too close to diabetes. I'm thirsty a whole lot more, and I'm usually never thirsty. And that is one of the signs. I still have problem with my urinary tract/bladder control and the medication I got for it is no longer helping. I'm also scared for my blood pressure, when I was trying to become a blood donor they took my blood pressure, and it was way too high for someone my age.
So I think I'm a little stressed out with this, it's things I feel that I have very little control over - yet I do know that I can. By exsercise more/better and making better food choices. But the food thing is overwhelming me so much, and I'm scared. I really am.

Tomorrow I have Lady T in the morning, the last session with group and then an appointment with the Eating Disoder sentre. I suppose I should name her too, she will be Lady E. For Eating disorder. It will be an intense day, not nessecerilly bad, but it will make me vulnerable and I know that it is too much in one day. I know this. But sometimes I just have to push through. Hopefully my week-end wont be ruined by it.

Had a meeting with Lady L today.
We talked about roles today. The roles I put on, the automatic one. Because howcome can I go abroad, hang out with friends I have never met in person before, and people I don't really know and be nearly totally fine the entire trip? With lack of sleep, increased alcoholic consumption, and definitevly increased social activitiy?  when I cannot do the same at home? Why am I those two fundamentally different people. What is happening? Lady L raised the question whether I assume these social roles here at home, because it's what I know, it's what the people around me know -and then it becomes familiar, safe and automatic. I know I'm a very good at being a patient. I know what to say, what not to say, when to say things. I know how much information to give, how much to hold back, and to whom I have to tell what. In the broad term. I've been a patient in various degrees my entire life, it's safe. And I am completely comfortable with health care professionals. Now those of you who have read my journal for a while, do know that I do struggle with bringing up certain topcis, that I dissociate and panic in my sessions, and all of that's all true, it's not something I make happen, choose to happen, or pretend to happen. That's not really what I mean. Lady T has been different than the rest, because I've allowed myself to take down that wall I usually put up. There's more to it, but I don't really want to get into it.

It lead me to understand one thing about myself though, or perhaps, something I'm not so proud of and something I can't really control and don't know what to do about it. But, I don't know who I am when I am not these people.
When I'm not a patient, when I'm not my parents daughter, when I'm not the friend who always picks up the phone when it calls and says yes to all the favours or always listens when it's needed. Because all of these roles were given to me...

So who am I outside of them?

The Good Stuff
I got all my chores done. Cleaning, hoovering (including the sofa), laundry, changing bed linen, grocery shopping and somehow a 15 minute break before heading to town to meet up with Lady L. She's back from her sick-leave, and just in time too I think. For me. Selfishly as I am.

The conversation with Lady L was nessecary, and it's uncomfortable. But it opens up some new line of thinking for me. I don't know what to do about it yet though, and despite it all. My words were more fluent today than they sometimes are. I had relfective thoughts. I acknowledged to myself and to Lady L that I have limitations in what can be expected of me. Not by choice, not because I want to be lazy or not to take responsibility, but because things have happened to me in my life that prevents me to have the same options as others. It's hard to acknowledge this to others, but also to myself. Because I really don't want to. But I think, the sooner I understand that it's okay, the sooner I can start using less time and energy and effort fighting this mentally.

Then I had an appointment with my support-friend. I met her in town and we went out for a drink, her treat (again!). I got an alcoholic drink, which I never get, and I didn't know if it was appropriate, but she said it was cool. It tasted exactly like an apple pie. Mmm *#% it was tasty. I got to whine a bit about my roomie, and some other things, but she cheered me up. And when I got home, my roomie had done what I had feared he wouldn't do. Which was awesome!
And then I got a message from my friend that I won a really cool art-product. I wasn't planning on buying it, but I am really looking forward to recieving it and testing it out.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 01, 2018, 09:38:16 PM
wow, sceal, your words about 'who am i if i'm not so-and-so?' really struck a chord with me.   i've gone thru that phase several times throughout my life, and it was some of the most difficult each and every time.  who am i if i'm not a helper?  who am i if i'm not a mom to kids who are dependent on me?  who am i if i'm not solving all the problems?  there are several more of those, just too long a list.

all those roles definitely left me bereft of a core being/knowing who i am as myself.  just want you to know you're not alone with this.  i also got very comfy in mexico with being sick and disabled, letting my hub take care of me.  it was a rough transition from doing everything for everybody, living up  to their expectations, and letting someone do for me, make the decisions.  it's a tough place to navigate.

it's still taking time to sort thru every so often, cuz i can fall back into those roles.  not as easily, but too often when i'm feeling my strongest.  maybe that's backwards from what you're saying, but i think it's kind of a similar dynamic.  taking charge (old) instead of asking opinions (healthier).  rough waters at times.

i think you're asking all the right questions, tho, so i believe you'll get there.  and, thanks for explaining the 'good/bad' split.  it makes perfect sense to me.  you seem to be so very much more in charge of yourself than even 6 mos. ago.  your determination and perseverance are evident.  you're inspiring, sweetie.  i love seeing this.

sending love and hugs. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 02, 2018, 12:46:30 AM
I agree with San.  I also find myself sorting through roles that I have. Some roles I am happy to have.  Some roles o wish i could shed.

The difference between me and you is that I chose many of my roles.  Some were given to me but not all of them.   I chose to teach.  I chose to try to help others.  I choose the type of mother I want to be.

Sending you love as you sort through your roles
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 02, 2018, 08:56:23 PM
I think I had a sense of self and who I was as a young child. But during teenage years my identity became what others needed it to be. I was very naive and idealistic, and those things belonged to me. But everything else belonged to everyone else. After I left my r* ex, I tried to find a sense of self, but I don't think I did so well. I ended up in the cultish group, and they stripped what little I had left. And I became a puppet, pure and simple.

:hug: to you both, for sharing your struggles with me. A psychologist in my city wrote a new book about identity, I would like to read it. But it's too new so the library doesn't have it, and currently it's too pricy for my wallet. Perhaps if I get some money for christmas.

The Bad Stuff: Trigger warning
Woke up with inflammation-pain in both my shoulders.

I had a huge slice of cake at the breakfast meeting at Group.

At group I had to leave the session once, at the end right before lunch, and I ended up crying. We were once again talking about radical acceptance. Like a re-cap, and they were bringing up that "Things happen for a reason." And that "Given the set of circumstances nothing else could have happened". Which translates to me that all of my r*s had a reason: I just can't for the life of me figgure out what that reason would be for me. I mean, I get the reason for them was sexual pleasure and a display of power. So was the reason for me to become subjugated, punished, shown my place? Because, really, I already knew that before hand. And that given the circumstances... it means that it could not have been avoided. At all. So, it is my fault then. And I'm supposed to accept this - because that will reduce my suffering? I accepted a long time ago that my worth is miniscule, if even it exists at all- that can be debated. The R*s have made me suffer. Perhaps that was the reason behind it all. To make me suffer. So how is accepting that going to make me suffer less?  [End: Trigger warning]

At the eating disorder sentre today my new contact is really pushy and strict. I did tell her I do not mind her being strict. But she did push me hard today, I felt I had to defend myself, and not in a good way. I wanted to flee, I wanted to be subordinant, I wanted to quit. But I stayed there, and I did argue a little (not fighting, not raised voices, not that kind of argue). I think there might have been some miscommunication, or not mis, but lacking. I think we both didn't fully explain what we meant and our thoughts around the subject of the surgery is.
She said alot of people who take that surgery regains their weight all over again because they don't deal with emotions, and she thinks I need to postpone until I'm ready. I told her, I know they do, but most people don't even try to get a handle of their eating disorder, or even know they have one, before they go into surgery, and I am. I am at the eating disorder centre, I am in therapy. I am regularly talking with my GP. I am trying. But I have to admit, I might not try so hard with the eating disorder bit as I should. I didn't say that part. I talked about feeling stuck. And I told her I am not only doing the weightloss surgery because I want to have a normal weight, but because of my physical health. If I keep pushing it, keep prolonguing it... I might wait too long and end up with diabetes, cancer or heart problems. My body can only wait so long, and if I -ever- want to even think about daring to date and eventually have a child of my own, I need to do this fast. Because there's no pregnancies for 2 years after the surgery, and I'm in my 30ies. The older I get, the higher risk it is for both baby and I. Despite modern medicine.
So... she pushed me. Hard. But I told her, I feel stuck, everything I've tried - nothing works. Nothing has worked. And I need help, and I need her to help me.
I hope she understands that. And I hope she wont judge me because of the surgery, because that is what it feels. Like she's saying that "I'm taking the easy way out". It's not an easy way out.

... I think I'm getting riled up.  I didn't realise that I had all of these thoughts and emotions earlier today.

The Good Stuff
Felt fine this morning. Was in a good mood when I went to see Lady T. She gave me a few ideas on how to stop eating crap when I'm in town. To decide beforehand that if/when I get hungry I go and buy two pears, or two apples. Eat them, and see what happens. If I need more food, I'll get proper food because I wont be struggling with overwhelming thoughts, emotions, and low blood pressure. And if I decide now, then I don't have to try and figgure out what I can and cannot eat when I am in town.
Not quite sure how to avoid buying candy at the store though. We'll get to that next week.  It felt good talking to her today. She was enthusiastic despite the fact she overslept.

Group today was good. I managed to stay present the entire time! Except for the moment I wrote about in the bad section. I talked to the nurse, and it went over quicker than the other times. I managed to laugh with the others, and hold conversations. I even managed to join in on the body-work session. And I decided to go before it got too much for me. I gave the other people my number, and I got theirs in return. So I'm staying in contact with atleast some of them I hope. And it'll be nice I think. Hopefully.

After group I went to the eating disorder sentre. and at the end of the session we decided to start working properly with my eating. Starting tomorrow I have to write down everything I eat, what time, and what I'm feeling at the time and why I was eating. I'm to do that for a long time, but the first 2 weeks of it I am to eat whatever the F* I want. And I'm not allowed to have any yes/no food. At week 3 I have to start having 4-5 meals a day. No exception. It doesn't have to be big, but it has to be something.  She said, if I end up wanting a chocolate as my evening meal, then okay, whatever. But 4 meals a day. Still not allowed to have any yes/no food and I can still eat whatever I want.  I think after that it'll change again. But it's too soon to talk about that.
This is going to be a hard homework for me, it's really going to be challenging. Because it is several times a day... EVERY DAY. But I think it's good. I will try, and hopefully she'll keep me accountable, despite I wont see her for nearly 4 weeks. (we're both going on vacations).

I got home, and it stopped raining. So I walked an extra busstop. It's not far, but it was nice. I could smell the autumn. The cold air, the fallen leaves, and I could almost feel the old playfulness I used to have as a child in atumn.

I got home, and it was quiet. Roomie was still at work. And it was bless! I lay down on the sofa and read my fantasy book. And it was JUST what I needed. It's late now, and so I'm going to go get ready for bed and bring the book with me to bed. Because roomie is grumpy - and I think he'd like to be left alone and I'm happy to let him be alone tonight.

This got long.

But I did discover something interessting. I had alot more to say than I thought I had, and as I was writing the bad stuff, it got really difficult for me. But writing down the Good stuff afterwards made the hard feelings dissipate a little. And that sure is interessting.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 02, 2018, 10:32:58 PM
Fantastic Sceal! I just want you to know that I read every word. 

I have to admit I agree with your qualm about radical acceptance.  How are we supposed to get over our shame if everything happens for a reason? I don't believe your r* happened for a reason.  Maybe it was a reason for them but who could accept that type abuse.  Maybe I don't understand radical acceptance but i don't think abuse happens for a reason.

As far as the good: I'm so excited for your process.  I think the fact that you are writing about it and the possibilities shows your drive.  I just think you are wonderful Sceal
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on November 03, 2018, 09:31:24 AM
Quote from: Sceal on November 02, 2018, 08:56:23 PM

I got home, and it stopped raining. So I walked an extra busstop. It's not far, but it was nice. I could smell the autumn. The cold air, the fallen leaves, and I could almost feel the old playfulness I used to have as a child in atumn.

I got home, and it was quiet. Roomie was still at work. And it was bless! I lay down on the sofa and read my fantasy book. And it was JUST what I needed.


Hi Sceal,
I read all your entry here, and think you did really well in expressing both the Bad Stuff and the Good Stuff  - and I loved what you wrote about enjoying the Autumn walk you took home, and the fact you enjoyed reading your fantasy book when you got home.   :hug: to you, and I hope you slept well.
I can see you're doing a lot of challenging stuff at the moment, and I want to wish you the best with everything you're doing. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 03, 2018, 05:43:19 PM
Dear Deep blue, Thank you so much. For reading it all. It was alot to read. I'm not sure if I understand radical acceptance either. The nurse told me it's a process, and I just feel I'm not in this process.  :hug:

Dear Hope, thank you as well for reading it all. :)
I enjoyed smelling the autumn too, old but good and faint memories. And thank you for wishing me well.  :hug:


The Bad Stuff
I'm worn out today. I know it's an after effect of yesterday, that it was too much for me. I suspected as much beforehand. But sometimes you just have to have those days.
I woke up early, but fell asleep on the sofa for 2 hours.
Went to meet a friend, but the mall was over crowded with people. It never have this many people at this crappy mall. Everywhere. No personal space. It was exhausting.
I am supposed to write down everything I eat. It sucks. It really, really sucks. I keep thinking of food now. How much, how little, what? When?  should I not eat, so I end up eating too much.
I had alot of chocolate, and I have to write it down. I feel awfull in my stomach now.
And I'm so worn out. It's too early for bed, but I might go anyway. 
Feeling vulnerable, restless, worn out, sad.. And my heart is racing. Lady T is probably smart in telling me I need to get the physical checked out.

The good stuff
Had lunch with a friend today, his treat. The food and company was nice despite all the crowds. Went to his place for coffee after. Talked about surgery, about psychology, about his work, the society, the usual stuff we talk about. It was nice, and he drove me home afterwards.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on November 04, 2018, 01:31:44 AM
Hi sceal just wanted to butt in about radical acceptance, I thought radical acceptance was about accepting ourselves for the truth of who we were, not about accepting what had happened to us as " having a purpose ", I thought it was more like accepting the truth and to stop running from it as such, as well as accepting all our parts, mind this may be my interpretation and way off.
Anyway sceal keep up the good work
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 04, 2018, 01:54:58 PM
Sweet Sceal,
I'm so glad you were able to enjoy the company of your friend even though the mall was overcrowded.  Crowds can really mess with me. 

I'm pretty worn out today too.  I think I'm gonna take today to relax and try to recharge my battery.  I say if you want to go to bed early do it.  If you think it's too early you don't have to sleep.  You can read a little? What does your body tell you? 

Take good care friend
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 05, 2018, 10:30:52 AM
I would like to give you two a proper response, but I can't right now.

The Bad Stuff
Woke up finding my roomie not asleep,  meaning I wouldn't have my quiet morning time. That of course meant I lashed out. We fought. Not a great start on the day.

My body is in disarray. I didn't do anything but watch Big bang theory and at the end of that I was so exhausted I needed to lie down on the sofa. I put on an alarm, because I have a physiotherapy session today. I was just dozing on the sofa when I got a text message. But it sent my body into full activation. That's an hour ago now, and it still hasn't calmed down.

My emotional self is okay, so is my mind. Most of the time, but my body is stressing. It's struggling. And I think it might be because of the group, the surgery and yesterdays birthday dinner.

I am waiting for the bus to the treatment now. And while waiting here I saw a man who looked way to similar to J. Not great. Awful infact. I was hoping coming on here would help me calm down. But it's not really helping today
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on November 05, 2018, 01:46:06 PM
Dear Sceal, I hope that your physio appointment goes ok, and that you're able to feel more relaxed or better later - but whatever happens, just wanted to send you a gentle and supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 06, 2018, 07:28:55 PM
Thank you Hope, The physio went fine. It was just talking and asking for advice about how to learn to know my body, how to not extend my body's limitations and boundaries. I didn't learn much new, but it was good for me to hear her say it. To remind me to slow down, and gradually increase.
But most importantly she told me that me and my body does not have the same prerequisite as a healthy person without soma or psychologocial issues. I needed to hear that from her.

The Bad Stuff

Struggling with the food thing. I guess it's because I'm focusing so much on it now. But it's only a few days into this writing down everything part. I have to give it time, it will take time. I have people around me now, if I spin out of control I can tell them.

I've been drained all day. Been vulnerable to being around people, stressed me out. And I just.. I can't take more stress right now. I really, honestly need to de-stress. Both me and my body needs to. I've felt pretty awful all day today, but despite that... Most of my day belongs under good stuff.. And that's because i believe in the long term effects of them. The short term effects is making me feel pretty *.

The Good Stuff
Saw Lady T today, still no news on what's happening after new years. We'll continue with trauma therapy now that group is over. It was difficult today, I went in and out, and I struggled really hard to maintaining mental presence. She encouraged me to tell her the story of what happened during one of my flashbacks. She'd interrupt me and ask me to what I was feeling in my body, or asking me where I was, or having me count things or name things. At some point we threw a ball back and forth to ground me again. I cried a little.
But I did do it. I did tell her what happened. She already knew, we've worked on this flashback alot of times before. But she's had my letter about it.
It's not a bad flashback per say. It's what it means to me, and what it reminds me of that bothers me the most.
But she made me feel safe. I don't think I've felt this kind of safe in her office before, not the same way. It was nice. And I'm proud of myself for actually saying the words from my flashback.

I took the bus to town, and then the tram to my GP. I've been suspecting I'm getting dangerously close to diabetes. Increased fatigue and thirst is one of the symptoms. She checked my BP, and that is back to normal now. We also had a conversation around the surgery, and she's calmed my fears somewhat. I feel better after having talked to her. She's such a kind woman. She called me a taxi, free-of-charge, to drive me home. She understood I wasn't capable of taking two buses to get back home.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on November 06, 2018, 07:41:13 PM
Lady T sounds lovely. So glad you have a therapist you can connect with, who is knowledgeable and helpful. May I offer you a :hug:?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 06, 2018, 10:36:35 PM
Sceal,
That's really well done for working through the flashback with Lady T.  Staying grounded and feeling safe is so important.  I have lots of flashbacks and I've heard myself say, "it's not a particularly bad flashback".  The truth is, it doesn't matter what kind it is.  It's how it makes you feel.

Kudos to you for your hard work and grounding while going through it.  That sounds like it could be really emotionally draining.  Maybe that's why you feel tired? Just a thought.

Sending you so much love  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on November 07, 2018, 10:17:58 AM
Hi Sceal,
I would also like to wish you much love and send you a hug  :hug:
Your Lady T sounds very supportive and I'm glad she helped you get home safely too. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 07, 2018, 05:53:48 PM
Thank you Ladies!

I would love a hug from you, Three Roses  :hug: Lady T is definitevly a keeper, if I only can keep her on. That is currently the unanswered question. She's hinted there might be a way, but I don't want to push her.

Deep Blue,
Lady T knows her business with keeping me grounded. We've worked together for 2 years, I think she spots it very quickly when I start to drift off, before I even have a chance to register it. Although sometimes it happens really quickly. And you're right, it doesn't matter if it's a Super Bad flashback, or a mildly bad one. They still makes us feel bad and sucked into the vortex of bad memories.  It's funny though, when we were laying out the plan for the steps forward she said we should go back to focusing on the flashbacks, and maybe move on to the other ones. I told her I was hoping she wouldn't say that. She pointed out that's avoidant behaviour, and I agreed. I told her it's my automatic responce, and she knows that. She admitted that she sometimes get carried away in my avoidance, I said I know. But I don't do it intentionally, and she knows that too. And we laughed a little :D

Hope,
Lady T and GP is two different people. Lady T is my Therapist, and GP is just my doctor, my General Practitioner. But they are both very supportive women, and I am very fortunate to have them in my life. It was a rare treat that she helped me get home. I've never asked for it before, technically I didn't ask for it yesterday either. I just told her I was scared to travel back home because it was so tiresome and overwhelming. She offered and I said yes. But it was an exception, it wont happen next time.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 07, 2018, 06:27:19 PM
Decided to break it up into two posts, to avoid it getting overwhelmingly long. Just in case!

The Bad Stuff
Still struggling with food. I'm going to overeat today, it's weird that I know that's what's going to happen. But it is. Might be because I've been so active today and I'm just hungry on top of things.

This food thing is really hard for me. I feel so guilty over it. Because I know there are people who struggle FAR more with food than I do, and I just feel like I'm whining. But I can't sort it out in my head, I can't make it make sense. I don't know what's good for me, what's bad, what's enough, too little or too much. And if I'm eating socially then my mind goes "did I eat too much now, what will they think?" and if there's a bag of crisps or bowl of candy on the table meant for everyone and I take one bit, I will be focusing on that for the rest of the evening. "Can I take one more. They took two, that one took 3 bits... is it okay for me to have another one then? Or will they think poorly of me. Am I showing poor self control?"  Etc.

The Good Stuff
It's mostly been a good day today actually. I think the resting yesterday really helped out. It's also been surprisingly warm outside, no wind and NO RAIN!

I had planned to go to the gym today, to the one that I went with together with the group, and I did manage to get my * out the door in time. I even got out early (surprise! not. I'm chronically early for everything). I saw some of the group members who are still in group, and went inside with them. It was nice. I got a hug, which was also nice!

Then I headed to town to withdraw some currencies since I'm travelling abroad on Friday. And I had my appointment with the Ear-nose-throat doctor. He was my GP for 10-11 years, and thanks to him I'm still alive. He saved me from sucidality so many times. I don't think he realizes how important he's been to me in my life. It's always nice seeing him. He told me however that my hearing is a tiny bit imparied on the right side. Which confused me, because I had the impression it was the left ear that was the problem. But ah well. Nothing to do about it, it's not that bad.

I went to my parents, had a nice thai dinner. Played with the dogs. Drank coffee and went home.

All in all, fairly easy day.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 08, 2018, 12:23:13 AM
So funny! I had Thai for dinner too.  Hope yours was as tasty as mine.

I am crossing my fingers and hoping that there will be a smooth transition with Lady T.  Or that you can continue to see her.  You 2 work well together and I see growth and healing in you.

Your Ear nose and throat doctor seems nice. I also have some hearing loss. 
Sending you some love darling  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 08, 2018, 04:26:34 PM
my dearest sceal, i've done so much the same with eating/food, especially when i'm out.  the little parts of it, just like you described.   kind of weird to me that i'd do that - it must be from messages in my childhood.  that's all i can think of.  and, i also have 'eating days' - i also just know, and i've been able to get to the point that when it happens, i just let it.  it's not every day, and for some reason i must need to do it, so i go ahead.  it's been good to get rid of the guilt i used to feel about it, too.

you are doing so well with joining in now, so different from several months ago.  well done!  i hope you can keep it up - i like that you're feeling nice things about it.

love and hugs always.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 09, 2018, 07:44:40 AM
Thank you Deep Blue and San!  :hug: to you both

The Bad Stuff
I drove the 2 hours to the hospital where I'm getting the surgery. It's a nice drive, pretty landscape. I intended to stay around in the village for a little while before the meeting, but it was too cold so I didn't bother. But I was there early of course. I had a little meltdown before I went in, and I called my M, she wasn't very helpful. She made me feel worse. so I called my sister instead, and she surprised me with loads of kindness and support. I am definitively calling her again.
It turned out the entire trip was incredible pointless. All the surgeon asked me (he was really weird), was if I was up for the surgery now or what my thoughts was. (since it had been postponed). I said yes. And he just said "I trust you, I'll send it in" I didn't get to ask my questions. I feel we could have had this conversation on the phone. Instead of having me drive 4 hours.

I was a wreck when I got home. I ordered a large pizza. I knew it was contradicting to where I had just been. But I just couldn't cook. and I couldn't deal with it all. I got in the door, told my roomie I can't do social interaction. I ate some pizza and went to bed before 19.00.
Felt *, drained, and not any way of being able to do the remaining packing.
Woke up early today, and packed the rest of the stuff. I'm already tired again. 11 hour trip before landing! (not counting 2 hours before flight at the airport)

I got to drive over to my moms in a short while so she can drive me to the airport, she's undoubtly going to ask me about yesterday. Meh, I don't want to.

The Good Stuff
I'm going on a trip to see my friends. A was here in February, but  I haven't seen E in a few years. I was supposed to visit them 2 years ago, but I got hospitalized. So no go. Trying again today!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on November 09, 2018, 10:25:52 AM
Hi Sceal,
I would like to wish you a good trip and hope that you have an enjoyable vacation.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 10, 2018, 01:14:50 AM
This is getting crazy! I had pizza for dinner too. 

I'm so glad your sister was able to help ease your stress.  I'm sorry your m was the opposite of helpful.  Take care

Have a great trip. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on November 10, 2018, 06:32:47 AM
I just finished a pizza not 5 minutes ago
:grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 10, 2018, 10:23:25 PM
safe and enjoyable trip, sweetie.   love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 16, 2018, 09:43:48 PM
Thank you all!  :hug:

I am sitting at the airport in the middle east, it's less than an hour until boarding. I am tired, and I am also sad that I am going back home.

I am always better when I am traveling. Almost no anxiety, close to no PTSD symptoms. I get stressed and worried, but I think that's just normal jitters from being in a strange new place. I often get questions and wonders from people who know I struggle about how I manage to travel. I wonder if I find it out, if I then can somehow transform that into my daily life.
But then also.. maybe it will take away the magic of traveling a bit?
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on November 18, 2018, 06:57:39 PM
Hi Sceal,
I hope your journey was a safe one back home. 
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 19, 2018, 06:45:22 AM
Thank you Hope, I am home safe and sound.

The Bad Stuff
I'm exhausted after the journey. Eventhough when I was down there I didn't feel all too stressed, I was relaxing alot. I had some physical pain, and I was uncomfortable with my body, but the moments, although recurring, were also fleeting. And most of the time I chose not to fall down into that rabbit hole.
I ate enough, and I didn't overeat. Although I had something sweet everyday. I also walked more than I normally do, and I think that played it's own role. But I also do think that there's something here at home that takes all the air out of me. I'm not sure what it is, if it is the fact i'm not living on my own, if it is the city that I'm living in, if it's the fact that I somehow feel like I have to be better person than I am all the time?  It's hard to tell.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I never know how to feel about it. So I end up stressing about it.
My GP phoned me when I was away, she told me I'm low in Vitamins and need to take more pills.

Yesterday I was so destroyed. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. I had a nap, that didn't help me much. In the evening my roomie asked if i wanted pizza, he'd treat me to one. I ate and ate and ate a big pizza on my own. I couldn't stop. It was awful. I hate myself for it.

The good stuff
I asked three girls if they want to join me for a drink and to watch the new harry potter movie with me at the cinema for my birthday, and they all said yes. So hopefully it'll be a nice day after all. It's also supposed to be sunny, so I think I'll try and find a forest and walk around in it for a while.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on November 19, 2018, 01:09:20 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
:fireworks:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 19, 2018, 01:12:47 PM
Happy Birthday Sceal!
I hope you get a chance to relax and enjoy it  :hug: 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on November 19, 2018, 01:29:06 PM
Wishing you a Very Happy Birthday Sceal   :cake: :party: :bighug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 19, 2018, 03:21:43 PM
 :cake: :phoot: :boogie:

happy birthday, sweetie.  let us know how that movie is - i didn't like the first one in this new series, but this next one looks a bit more promising.

at any rate, i hope you have a wonderful day.

glad you're back, safe and sound.  interesting about how different you feel when traveling compared to being home.  and i can totally relate to being exhausted after a trip.  hope you can rest a bit, find some nature to soothe you.

love and birthday hugs, sweetie.  enjoy!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 20, 2018, 07:09:30 AM
Awwww  :cheer: :hug: Thank you guys! All the congratulations is warming my heart!
Dear, San - I'll let you know how it goes, the movie that is. I like the universe, but the original harry potter movies are the best. I wish I could see the theatre play; The cursed child. Maybe one day I get to! Will have to go to London for that though.

The Bad Stuff
Still worn out. Feeling nauseous, groggy and slow to think.
I am feeling alot of pressure being back. My sister has been house and dog sitting for almost two weeks, she's asked if I can do the remaining days. Part of me wants to, and part of me doesn't. I want to help her out, she's helped me out. But it's also overlapping my roomie's 30th. I feel bad about that. I shouldn't need to feel bad about it, he is my ex. I don't have any responsibility for him, yet I do feel so much responsibility for him. I feel it's all my fault. I know it isn't, he has had plenty of choices he has made, but yet. I still do feel it is my fault that things aren't super awesome for him. And I so dearly wish his 30th will be happier than mine.

The Good Stuff
I had a phone call with a friend of mine which was really nice. I got to be a good friend to her, and that is always nice. I also installed my new desk, and sorted through alot of mess. I was hoping to be able to clean it all up before my birthday, but no such luck.

I asked if my hairdresser were available for my birthday, and she was. I've been wanting to cut the ugly hair for a while now. I can't really afford it, but I'll treat myself some more. Been alot of self-treats lately. Trip to Israel, art print, a big plushie from The Moomin Valley. New clothes.

I had an appointment with Lady L. We talked about identity alot. I've felt for so long that I've no idea who I am, what are the things that is the hallmark of me. Outside PTSD and mPD, and outside the need for constantly being a social chamelion. And it's taken me a while, but a thought occured to me. Maybe it's not so much about who I am, but maybe I need to look towards who I would like to be. Because let's face it, I do have a golden opportunity to mould myself into a new person that I want to be, when I'm now working on reclaiming myself and overcoming my past.

The stuff in-between
I got an e-mail from the workplacement I'm going to be doing from January. The wellfare system have to place me somewhere in order to evaluate wether I am capable of working and in how high a degree. Eitherway, I am starting there the 4th of January. I'm to meet up and sign contract and find days that work well for me. I'm going to be there parttime. I've been excited to go since the summer, but now that it's so close I'm terrified. The email also said that I'll be joining in on lunch on that first day. When I read that, my anxiety shot through the roof.

I still don't know how and where things are with Lady T.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 20, 2018, 07:13:32 PM
Sceal I love your idea about working on who you want to be.

I have both bad examples and good examples in my life and I choose to try to follow the good.  I'm a mother, a sister, a teacher, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a fighter and a protector.

I will try to be there for any of those in need.  It's different shades of my personality.......but all still me  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 23, 2018, 08:38:11 PM
Thank you Deep Blue


The Bad Stuff
I'm helping my sister and parents out, so I'm house-sitting and dog sitting until Sunday.  i'm riddled with allergies, and it's cold here. I lit the fireplace, but it takes a while before it gets warm and comfortable.

I keep eating. I really do. And I hate myself for it. I don't even know why I do it. I don't have any strong emotions when I am eating. And maybe the people at the eating disorder place is right, maybe I should delay the surgery before I got a better handle. It's like now that I am on my own, I don't care. I don't have it in me to fight on my own. I'm not even sure if I'm even trying.  Or maybe it's just that I feel so much disgust because I had both ice-cream today and marsipan. But I don't think that's the worst part. the worst part is that I had 4 meals. That's what's bothering me.  I think? Actually, I've no idea what I think, what's true and what's not.

I also realized that I only have two more scheduled sessions with Lady T, and I'm scared. I'm scared that that's it. With her, I mean.
How am I to move on, and face the new challenges ahead of me without her? With the work-trainee thingy, with the voulenteer centre, with the surgery, with the rest of my healing.. I guess I'm scared of being abandoned. I am not fully ready yet to be abandoned.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2018, 07:22:56 AM
sweetie, it sounds like you answered your own question about your eating - your feelings of fear, dealing with lady t's leaving.  that's such a big one. 

please go easy on yourself.  maybe you've already begun the grieving process.  that's always an upsetting state of mind.  during grieving, we often revert to familiar ways of coping. 

you're not disgusting - you're coping as best you can right now.  give yourself a break.  it's ok, you'll be ok even if it's rough for a bit.  i have faith in you - you'll pull yourself thru, and we're all here to help.  sending love and supportive hugs.   :grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on November 24, 2018, 06:11:17 PM
You are not disgusting. You were vulnerable and someone took advantage of their position and your trust. They did wrong, not you. Hugs and healing to you, friend.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 24, 2018, 08:37:46 PM
Sweet Sceal,
I agree with San.  I believe you answered your own question and that you have fear about losing lady T.  I'd be lying if I said the idea of losing my T wouldn't be a huge source of anxiety for me. 

Please take care darling,
Here if you need me  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on November 24, 2018, 10:13:57 PM
Sceal, I go through phases of eating too much too. Also phases where I seem not to feel anything while eating. My T was trying to help me be more mindful about it but I notice that it's really really difficult to be so. Pete Walker writes that eating for a comfort is something often begun when we were very very small, preverbal. Maybe just even a baby. That will make it seem more threatening to even feel mindfully what's going on, never mind stop. 

I'm learning better to accept myself even when I overeat, even when I look at myself in the mirror. I accept you too the way you are.

I'd be really worried about losing my T. It's totally legit for people like us to feel that way. It can take really long for us to feel comfortable with a new T. Who wants to go through all that again? So it's understandable that's causing you anxiety.

I don't think you're disgusting, not at all. If hugs are OK for you atm  :hug: :bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 27, 2018, 07:11:07 AM
Thank you everyone for the continous and tremendous amount of care and support you give me. I'm not worthy of it, but I apprechiate it so so very much!

@San, I think it's more than just one reason when it comes to food. I've found that usually it's never just one reason for something, it's always complex and intertwined, which makes me so frustrated..Because had it been at least just one thing, it'd be easier to focus and do something about it.  :hug:

@Three Roses, I have no words about how much I needed to hear what you said to me. Thank you.  :hug:

@Deep Blue, It is scary as *, this concept of losing her. Although I think I've been preparing myself for it since she told me. I'm not spinning out of control crying like I did when she told me. I don't think she'll leave me in the hands of someone she doesn't trust. If it comes to that.  :hug:

@Blueberry, I went to the eating disorder centre here to get help. My contact there is quite strict, I suppose I need it. Coddling wont help I think. She has me writing down everything I eat, why I eat it and what my emotions are. I find it difficult to figgure out the emotions. I also have come to the stage where I have to eat 4 meals a day. No matter if I end up binging on candy, I still have to eat dinner and evening meal. It's hard. I've managed 4 days in a row now. With the 4 meals thing. I'm proud of that.  Mindful when eating is so painful, I tend not to do it. But perhaps that could be the next step I need to take. Be mindful of what my body thinks and feels when it eats what I've chosen for it.


The Bad Stuff
I've not slept very well. When I went to bed I wasn't really tired, and my brain was working on overdrive. I had a massive headache that just wouldn't let me rest on top of things. I think I fell asleep around 01. And woke up by snoring around 4.

In less than an hour I'll be in Lady T's office. My stomach is spinning out of control by just the thought. Ihave to be strong and ask her questions and "demand" answers.  I hope I can keep my cool, and by that I mean, not spin out of control emotionally. I don't mind showing my emotions so much, but I need to be able to not go over or under the tolerance window so I can actually hear what she's telling me. Or give her a chance to respond. She tends to stop up whatever we're doing and help me back into the window of tolerance if I go above or below. It takes a big chunck out of our session every time. I need her help, but it bothers me it keeps happening. It doesn't happen so much outside of therapy anymore to be honest.
But I think it's because when I am in therapy I'm so exposed and so vulnerable I still don't know how to deal with that, and it's still too threatening for my mind it shuts down.

Setting demands is so hard, I'm scared. I feel like throwing up, or getting whatever is in my stomach out the other way.

The Good Stuff
I had two art conversations yesterday, both of which all the people involved said to reach out to them again if I want to and need some feedback. And also they all thing my concept is a good and strong one. I know what I want. I'll be honest, it sure as * doesn't feel like it. But I'll go with it for now.

I also had a conversation with a close friend of mine who was all up in tears, being triggered lately and scared. It felt good being able to be there for her, and her letting me be there for her and her daring to talk to me and show me how she's feeling.

I managed to clean alot yesterday, organized and prepared for later tonight. I had loads of ideas, and re-touched up the colour of my hair.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 27, 2018, 08:46:55 AM
Quick update. I am not loosing Lady T. But things will change regardless, I will see her every second week rather than weekly now.
I know I've been far more fortunate than many here when it comes to health care.
It is still going to be strange to adjust to.

I will also not be able to call her should * hit the fan. And if I end up in a prolonged crisis I will be in touch with the crisis team and not her.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 27, 2018, 11:04:33 AM
Glad she's not out of your life completely.

How do you feel about contacting the crisis team instead of her when things get rough?
Sending a supportive hug  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 27, 2018, 02:47:36 PM
I think it will be good. I already know some of the ones who work at the crisis team, because I've met them before. Before I met Lady T, right before I was admitted the last time. It's good to know that there is a safety net, when Lady T is busy doing her new job. I wont be able to call her like before, but I can leave her a message, and she'll look into giving me messages back. I haven't been a big caller, which is part of why I think she's okay with this. And that I'm alot more stable now than I have ever been. If I'd been worse off she'd not be able to feel she'd continue to give me the care I need. So I am happy that we managed to work together to get to this point.

I also hope that once it becomes more normal to go every second week instead, that I will become less dependent on her for my sanity. Besides I also got Lady L. She's not going anywhere as far as I know. I also hope that by going every second week I'll be able to focus more on the important work, not all the other things that keep propping up, getting in the way - but isn't super significant in the long run.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 27, 2018, 03:52:32 PM
So much progress Sceal! I'm so proud of you. You are such an incredible woman and I deeply believe you deserve all the praise we give you. Sending you so much love darling  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 29, 2018, 09:21:23 PM
I'm not sure if it is progress, dear Deep Blue, but more hopes and wishes.  :hug: Thank you for being proud of me though.

The sort of bad stuff? (Not sure where to place these thoughts)
Tomorrow I have my meeting at the eating disorder centre again. I've been mostly following the plan that we set out for me to do. There's been some days when I was away travelling where I forgot to fill out the forms. I've written down everything else though, and I have learned to have 4 meals a day now, I believe. We'll see how long it lasts. The bad part with it though, is that I feel that I'm eating far too much. My meals are bigger than they were, calorywise that is. But I'm not eating candy everyday, but often enough still.  I have to write it fully out for myself I suspect. The reasons why I am doing this surgery, and how it will possibly affect my eating habits, and how I need to be okay with eating several meals a day, and how I can never over-eat again. I'll be physically sick, but I don't think that would stop me if I am eating out of punishment. I haven't though, for a long time. I think.
I struggle understanding the emotions I have when I am eating, mainly because I don't think they have anything to do with food.

I walk around carrying this uncomfortableness, restlessness, kind of worrylike emotion, but I can't define it, I don't know what it is, where it belongs or what is causing it. Of course, it could just be as simple as the fact that there are alot of things changing in my life right now and for the next few months and I rightly don't know how to handle that.

I was thinking about the being good enough part. I know that this is a thing that everyone worries about at some point. And I'm fairly certain my Lady T will say the same. That it is normal, it is common. I think people think it is comforting when they say it is a normal occurance, but for me it feels belitteling. I feel misunderstood. Not that I think my emotions, or reactions is bigger, more profound or more difficult than anyone elses. But it does feel like they don't matter. So the not being good enough, I know people worry about it. Yet, they do seem to have coping mechanisms or generally know how to deal with those fears, or know how not to listen to them. For me they become debilitating. I really would love to do more art, but I fear and believe i will never be good enough. And I know my fellow artists definitiely struggles with these feelings and thoughts. For me, they become in such a manner that I cant seem to do anything. I waste my days watching tv or read books, or wait for people to respond to me online, rather than to sit down and do the work. But I fear even my sketches will be awful, that my learning of art will not be good enough, that my understanding will always be sub par.

I am thinking of this, because Lady T was asking me to think about what to focus on next. I know I only have one session before christmas, and then it'll be a monthbefore I see her again. So I am not sure if I would like to jump right into the deep water. And being left on my own for so long.  So I was thinking of maybe this as a topic. Or as one suggestion of a topic. I will have to think some more and come up with another suggestion.

The Bad Stuff
I am falling into an apathy kind of emotional state right now. Don't really care much about anything. I hate being in this stage. I'ts not very productive for healing, progress or getting any work done.

I had a panic earlier today. I was thinking about postal services, and christmas. and I realized I still live on the same address as I did in 2016, and so they know where I live and what my address is... what if they seek me out this christmas? What if they send me a christmas card? Wondering where I went? Calling me names, blaming me, acccusing me.

(Potential TW for those with religious background)
Last night I had the most horrible nightmare. People were being possessed by demons, and they were being all mean and nasty, having fits and seizures and talking about performing suicide while they were being possessed so the demons would definitevly drag them down to *. I woke up sweating, it was so terrifying. I'm not christian, I don't believe in *.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 29, 2018, 09:49:24 PM
sweet sceal, i relate to battling with emotions, trying to figure them out, not understanding how i'm feeling at a given moment.  it is so very confusing.  too much of my life i've walked around in a confused state   :stars:.  yep, just like that.  and i know that often i just feel some kind of discomfort but can't pin down what's going on with me.  often, those are the times i eat when i'm not really hungry.  it's a battle, for sure, and it sounds like you are taking up the banner and riding to the fore of it.

i admire your fighting spirit, sceal.  i really do.  you are a warrior woman and an inspiration.  thank you for all you share.   sending love and a hug full of support.   i'm also glad for your art - it seems to be a pos. part of you, so i'm glad you're pursuing it.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on November 30, 2018, 06:53:21 AM
Hi sceal
I can relate so much to your apathetic mood atm, it sucks I know, you have such a kind way about you, shine some of that kindness back at your self, I don't always say much but I always follow what your up to and I'm always encouraged at your strength and kindness, one day at a time.
:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on November 30, 2018, 12:55:02 PM
Thank you San and Wattlebird. Your words are so kind. I don't know where you see my battle spirit, kindness or strength. But it is comforting that you see it, even if I don't.

the bad stuff
Roomie started yelling at me the moment he woke up today. Over something incredible stupid. It's hours ago by now, but I still feel like *. I continued picking the fight, it wasn't fair. The last year or so, I think, nearly everytime I talk to him he sighs or groans. No matter what it is that I say. I feel so small.

I am sitting at the eating disorder centre now. I am so full of shame I just want to cry. This morning's fight doesn't help either. I am scared too and sad. So vulnerable.
Not the best day to tackle this.. but perhaps that's even more reason to be here today...
God I hope I don't cry...
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on November 30, 2018, 01:37:45 PM
Sending you some love and protection from the shame my dear. I like how you said it may be a good day to be there.
:hug:

Is it possible your roomie is taking his aggression out on you? Maybe it's transference.  If I were your roomie I would treat you as the valuable person you are.  I would be kind and loving with you and encourage you when you feel down. 
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on November 30, 2018, 03:57:07 PM
 :yeahthat:

dang, sweetie, what's his deal?  sounds like he's out of line with you too much of the time.  very sorry you have to go thru that. 

i'm glad you're at the centre.  hopefully, you'll be able to leave some of the shame there.  i think you're dealing with a lot right now, but you're also showing your strength and spirit by not running away from this.  and, yeah, that stuff about you is very clear to me.  maybe you don't see or feel it, but each step forward you're taking to tackle this situation shows it.

keep going, sceal.  i think you're remarkable.   love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 01, 2018, 03:33:21 PM
 :hug: :hug:

The Bad Stuff

**TW: SA**
It seems I'm stuck in a rut with nightmares. Last night I dreamt that the man who were manipulating and verbally abusing my friend for 4-5 years, were trying to take control over me too. The only problem was that instead of using his words he was SA and r*ing me in my dreams. It wasn't quite, how shall I say it, shame-free dream. I woke up feeling crappy. I suspect this theme of nightmares is happening now, because 2 years ago is when I cut all ties with my latest r*ist. And when I was down at the store the other day, I was looking at the post office section and thinking "Maybe it'd be better to get a post box address instead when I move, perhaps that can hide my address on the surface a bit?" and then Anxiety, Paranoia and fright hit me all at once.. What if they decide that this year they want to send me a christmas card? "Asking" where I dissapeared to? By they, I mean his family. His wife wasn't much better, she was never physical. I don't know if she knows what he was doing, but a part of me thinks that she knew. And it's not a good feeling at all.

** TW END**

I'm quite tired, physically, these days. It's like I don't get good enough sleep, nightmares taken away from the equation - they don't happen every night. Or perhaps it's just so dusty here at home that I can't help but get tired. One would think though, with all the allergy medications that I am on, it should help alot more. So I didn't get alot of stuff done today. I started, but I couldn't finish. I've moved some things around - put them in their proper place. I've dragged out the christmas box, but it's just left standing on the floor.

I messed up a painting too. That always leaves me feeling rotten.

The Good Stuff
Roomie apologized today. He went to the store and got me a peace offering. I guess he understood he overstepped far too much when I just left the appartment without saying anything yesterday. I usually never do that.

I have a plan to go out to my friends tonight for a boardgame night. It'll be fun. I hope we're ordering Pizza, I'm fairly certain that we are tbh. Pizza or kebab. We usually do.

After Eating disorder Centre yesterday I went to have coffee at my mates house. He's having some changes in his life, but potentially positive ones. He worked for them, and then suddenly he got offered the same job he already has but better pay - if he stays put instead of going off to another job offer. He's also getting more and more content with his body, and that's brilliant. I hope it sticks.

Eating Disorder centre: Whooh, just writing those words drained me from all energy. And despite that, I still intend to put it in the good stuff section. It was difficult being there yesterday. I couldn't quite hide my emotions, and I don't think I should either. I didn't start bawling or crying. But I was affected by sadness and shame quite alot. She saw. Despite really not wanting to be there yesterday, it turned out okay. We had a long conversation, about the surgery, about what I want in 1 year and in 5. I realized I can't see that far ahead, I haven't been able to in such a long time that I stopped trying.
I have to focus more on my emoions while I'm eating. We need to work hard and fast in the coming months, to overcome alot before my surgery. I still don't know when it is, but I've said yes. I've made up my mind. I am going to have it, despite it being scary.
It seems possible now, to get past the food thing, I suppose. It never did before. I'm not sure what changed spesifically, but perhaps it is because I'm not doing this on my own anymore. I got support. I am to eat without guilt and shame. I think that is the hardest part at the moment. But I'm trying.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 01, 2018, 03:54:58 PM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: just waking up so words are difficult, want you to know I'm cheering you on!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 01, 2018, 09:56:54 PM
Thank you, Three Roses! It means alot ❤️
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 01, 2018, 11:51:01 PM
love and a hug full of continuing encouragement, my dear.  i think you're doing really well.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 02, 2018, 01:59:19 AM
I just want to commend you for making the decision about surgery.  I know it was one you questioned.

I'm glad the roomie apologized.  Interesting that it took you storming out for him to apologize though.


Hope you have fun with the friends tonight.  Take good care
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 02, 2018, 01:19:32 PM
HI Sceal,
I am just sending you a warm hug of support  :hug: - I hope that you'll have some calmer more restful nights - it's horrible when bad dreams/nightmares/terrors happen.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 03, 2018, 09:40:37 PM
All of your support mean so much, thank you all.  :hug: :hug: :hug:


The Bad Stuff
So exhausted. I feel like sleeping all the time, I'm so drained of energy and I've no idea even why. Went to bed last night around 21. Woke up at 04 and again at 07. I actually got up at 7 and then fell asleep again on the sofa around 8 til 10. My dreams are unpleasant. Enough to trigger me to be honest, they weren't nightmares this night, but with sexual content. And I struggle with that.

i'm not looking so much forward to this week. There's something everyday. Tomorrow it's full on christmas cleaning, washing, tidying, throwing, sorting, dusting, and then putting out christmas stuff.  in the evening I'll have cinema.
Wednesday I have the morning to myself, but in the after-work hours I'm meeting my aunt for dinner and a drink. It was her gift to me for last christmas, she just never found the time to be with me - and I feel like I kind of forced her into it now. I could have not said anything and waited for her to bring it up to me at christmas, if she'd even remember.

Thursday is Christmas party at the SA place, I'm only going for the food - and to practice being around loads of people in a small room. Don't think I'll stay to the end.

Friday I have meeting at Eating Disorder centre (EDC) again, and then I'm dog-watching my friends dog for a few hours to ease his feeling of guilt for the dog. He's going to a christmas party with work, I doubt he'll be going home that night. And he doesn't want his dog to be alone all work day and then all evening and night too.

Then week-end. I will likely be too tired to function. I'm lucky if I make it to the week-end. I'm exhausted before it's even begun. And I feel so incredible guilty over the food. I was doing better, then now since sunday I've just messed it all up. So much unnessecery food. I know I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed, but I do. I make poor choices! I need to make better choices, I should just go to bed instead of eating something.

I have no energy, or any will power to do any art. I want to and feel I should prepare more thumbnails before I start working at the gallery in a month. I just have no headspace for it. I really don't. I'm spent.

The good stuff
Had christmas workshop today, my sister was very happy I could help her out get some embrodery stuff for her to test out, to see if that can be her new hobby. My m was walking to and from, sometimes sewing, sometimes talking, sometimes vanishing outside to smoke and drink coffee.
I took out my old glass seed beads to make christmas ornament gifts. It must be about 15 years, if not 20, since I last made a few. But i finished two presents.  I have 4 left to do. But some of them are more in a hurry than the others as they'll go in the mail.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 03, 2018, 09:58:27 PM
I feel ya Sceal,
I get a bit stressed when I have something on the schedule for each day of the week.  I know it can sap my energy for each thing I need to do.

Hope you are able to get some rest.  The ornaments sound cool. What a neat ability to have.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 04, 2018, 08:28:58 AM
Thank you Deep Blue!
So far, I've only been able to do 2 things on my A4 list of things to do today. My body is slow, achy and stiff. Makes it harder.

The christmas ornaments was something my grandmother taught me when I was a young child. She's passed now, but I hope she'll be happy that I'm continuing it.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 04, 2018, 02:29:02 PM
Phew.
We got through the list. More or less, just the floors, inside the stove and some tidying that remains. Roomie will do that since I have an appointment in town very soon.
Tomorrow I think I'll try to get the christmas decorations up after a very long and lazy morning that is.
My feet, legs, knees and hips are aching from standing, climbing, bending over and reaching up from 09-15.00. It was alot of cleaning.

But now the cubboards, fridge, beds, shower, toilet are all scrubbed clean. Tv, computers, book cases, treadmill have been all dusted and organized. Laundry has been done. Hoovering the beds are done, tidying up stuff, throwing food that has expired. Collecting glass garbage, recycling bottles, throwing out stuff that's just cluttering (although, I could potentially do more on that department). The shoes have been cleaned and recieved a healthy dose of shoe-refresheners.

The shower was nice, and clean clothes was even better. I'm looking forward to go to sleep tonight, even if I'll have bad dreams or nightmares. I need myself some sleep, or rather rest. I need alot of rest.

But on the bonus side: I woke up to a tiny, tiny layer of snow. It's not going to stay til Christmas, but it is lovely all the same.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 04, 2018, 05:15:20 PM
Wow! I'm exhausted from reading all that cleaning! Well done!

Please take some time to relax before you start decorating.  You deserve it honey.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 04, 2018, 07:14:02 PM
Hi Sceal, You are incredible to do all that cleaning - I hope you'll be able to have a rest and relax now.  I see you're planning to have a long and lazy morning - that sounds great.   I hope you have some restful sleep tonight.  You'll wake up to a clean and tidy home tomorrow - and maybe there might also be a bit more snow?  Sleep well.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on December 05, 2018, 12:27:29 PM
I'm impressed sceal, no way I'd get thru all that cleaning in one day, well done
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 05, 2018, 05:15:16 PM
holy crapola, sweetie!!  it would take me an entire week to do what you did in a day.  i can't even imagine it - plus making gifts to boot.  wow - call me impressed.

i'm exhausted just reading about this day, like db, let alone all the activities you have planned for the week.  i'm sure i couldn't do it.  you have the strength and stamina of 10, to my mind.

sorry that your eating/food choices are out of whack right now.  i do hope you can be gentle and accepting of yourself.  i go offline with that stuff at times, too, so i can relate.

sending love and a hug that contains some rest along with the energy needed to do what you want.     :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 05, 2018, 07:32:44 PM
I'm exhausted by thinking about it too. I wasn't alone in all of this, I had my roomie do work alongside me too. I dunno if I said. But we were wearing party hats, and were listening to christmas music in the background, until the end when we put on the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. Such a long time since I've seen that one.

I went to town to meet my support person, and we had dinner. Had a burger and fries. I felt awful. Then we went to see the nutcracker and the four realms movie. It was cute and sweet - and I would have LOVED it if I had been 12-13 years old. But it was a nice time anyway, despite hating myself for eating candy. Why did I eat it? I felt awful.

This morning I had christmasbread, which is not a healthy bread whatsoever, tasty yes, but not healthy. and chocolate. who has that for breakfast?! It was left over from the cinema last night, and I couldn't have it lying around. I should have tossed it, but I became the garbage can instead. Yuck! Been hating myself all day for that, so much so I just went back to bed. I couldn't deal.
Had dinner with my aunt in town, it was nice. We're similar in a way, but I'm still afraid to have a different opinon than her. I guess I am a little intimidated, and not in the good sense this time around. But I worry she'll get angry. Not that she's been angry with me alot in life. She's probably only midly snapped at me a handful of times.

But my body is in alot of pain. I've pushed it too far. knees, lower back and hip are bursting and shouting at me. My calves are tightening up and if I don't treat them soon it'll become just as bad as it was this summer.  And it's only mid week! I have a christmas party tomorrow. I have the eating centre on friday, and I'm filled up with shame by thinking of it. The papers I'm bringing along, showing signs of all my weaknesses this week. I just want to curl up and cry.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 05, 2018, 10:25:39 PM
I'm coming back to complain a little.
My hips are hurting and aching so badly. So are my knees. The pain is keeping me awake when I should be sleeping. I do hope I'll eventually fall asleep.
And I hope no more stressful dreams or I'll be forced to use anxiety meds to rest.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 06, 2018, 07:52:53 PM
Hi Sceal - I am so sorry to hear your hips are hurting and aching as well as your knees.  Causing you difficulty sleeping - that's horrible, and I really hope that you will get some respite from the pain, and that you'll find some comforting sleep - and that you won't get further stressful dreams - I really wish there was a way we could make sleep peaceful and predictable.  I hope you get the rest you need.   :hug: to you, Sceal.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 06, 2018, 09:11:11 PM
Thank you Hope. I fell asleep eventually, but come morning I was too tired I woke up so I brushed my teeth and went to sleep on the sofa.
Less pain today from hips and down today, enough so I managed to go for a walk in the forest. Which was nice. Although inflammation is all around now.

I managed to create some more Christmas presents, and I did go to the Christmas Party at the Sexual Assault and Incest prevention/support centre. There were about 50ish people. I freaked out several times during the evening. But every one was so kind and caring. Giving me a hand to hold, helping me get out of the room when needed. Giving me supportive hugs and such. Very kind. I'm so grateful to them all. Patients and employees alike.
Lots of anxiety practice today. Same tomorrow, although that is pushing my vulnerability Infront of eating disorder lady.
Then weekend.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 07, 2018, 07:12:42 PM
such a full and busy week, but i'm glad the pain is reducing.  also glad that the gathering you went to turned out to be a pos. experience for you.  that's so great.

good luck with the rest of the weekend - i hope it goes relatively smoothly for you.  i hope that inflammation goes down, and your pain leaves.  my body does the inflammation thing, too - lots of ibuprofen over the years.

keep taking care of you.  i think you're doing really well, sweetie.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 07, 2018, 09:41:47 PM
Thank you sweetie.

the bad stuff
My Lady E (eating disorder support lady) told me today that I have worked really well, and that I appear more open about my emotions now than previously. All positive things. Except, I don't feel like I am. Doing enough. She says I am eating better now, my meals are more regular and like a normal person. I feel like I am eating so much food. I am eating twice as much if not more than what I've had for months, over time, years. And I hate it. I feel like I can't stop now. I can't turn down temptations, and they never taste any good anyway . So why do I eat them? $*#@ do I put it in my body for? I am treating myself like a garbage can. Stuffing everything in.

A friend's boyfriend was along to the Christmas party yesterday. I met him for the first time. He is really good for her, and he had a very calm and soothing manner. Very composed and comfortable, I like him. He overhead though that I said I'm getting the surgery, just waiting for the date. And he told my friend later and she told me. He had noticed I am big, but he thought I dressed very well and it looked good. I understand that it was well meant and that it wasn't really for my ears. Compliment for my dress taste and the fact that I highlight my waist as I do have one despite obesity.
But...
I hate that my body decides how others think of me. They see me and they have judge me as lazy, boring, uninspiring, not worth knowing.  (I'm not talking about that man anymore btw. He was kind).
My friend told me this morning he is worried that people will start treating me better after the surgery and what that will do to me.
I am glad he understands. I am scared of that too.

My friends asked me to babysit tomorrow. I said yes. I regret it. I knew when I answered I shouldn't, that I need to stop. I need to not do anything after this week. But how could I say no? I might have to apologize and say I double booked, I forgot I had another plan I can't cancel on ( my health). But I feel so lousy.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 08, 2018, 01:25:25 AM
Anyone who judges you without getting to know you is missing out.  They miss out on the wonderful person you are. 

Big, small, short, tall, funny looking, pimple covered.... these are just our shells my dear.  Besides, I never buy candy just for the wrapper.  What I love is on the inside.  Just sayin... I think you are great.   :yes:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 08, 2018, 03:05:52 AM
 :yeahthat:

i totally agree with db, all the way.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 08, 2018, 08:36:38 PM
They aren't the only ones who miss out, so too do I, by default.

The Bad Stuff
Today was wasted. I awoke after Roomie left for work. How I didn't hear him head out the door is a miracle. I got into the livingroom, had breakfast and chips decided life was ugly and went back to bed. Stayed in bed until 18.30 or so. When I finally put on some pants and went to buy a huge kebab for dinner.
I regret it. I was yelling at myself in my head as I was driving down there. I was so ashamed when I ordered a big one. Why couldn't I have just taken the small one? The one that is a reasonable size? But no. Why do that?  When I'm going to prop my body full of junk and garbage, why not just go full on in?!

I'm not supposed to have any shame when eating. I am suppoed to eat whatever I want without shame. it doesn't work. I'm so full of shame. So very much full of shame.

Tuesday I have Lady L, I don't quite know what to talk about with her. But I'm stressed out. Wednesday I am supposed to know what I am to talk about with Lady T, last topic for a whole month. How am I to choose a topic that doesn't push me further into this obsessive food-world I'm in at the moment.
Worst moment ever to start being allowed to eat anything, without shame. At Christmas. When all the temptations are overflowing.

I have no willpower anymore. None. I hate this.

I am feeling frustrated, angry, sad, disgusted, scared and worried. Worried I'm not performing well enough. Worried I'm gaining weight, worried I don't know how to utilize my last sesssion before christmas, worried I'll put on a face. Worried.

I haven't written about it here. But lately I keep seeing Her everywhere. I see Her at the cinema, I see Her on the bus, I see Her car infront of my grocery shop, I see Her everywhere... except, it's not actually Her. It never is. But my heart stops everytime. And then because She is everywhere, so, naturally He pops up everywhere, every man who got dark hair and brown beard.  I don't panic like I used to, it doesn't send me off fleeing to the other side of the city, but I freeze instead.

Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 08, 2018, 09:21:49 PM
 :hug: supportive, caring thoughts for you, dear sceal.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 08, 2018, 11:46:49 PM
I understand what you mean about you missing out too. But do you really want to be with people who judge you too quickly anyway?  Judge mental people like that are a trigger for me, so I try to steer clear of them.  I'm not sure who is doing the avoiding????   Me or them???

I'm so sorry for you seeing Her and Him everywhere Sceal.  That happens to me too.  I see things that are not there.  I get hyper vigilant and become on high alert.  Then I get the fallout as if it's been a real trigger. 

Do you know what's causing you to see them? Is there a silent trigger? Is it an anniversary?   You don't have to answer.  I just ask because somtimes it helps me to know what is causing me to get into that state
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on December 09, 2018, 08:55:52 AM
I can relate to you seeing her everywhere, it's unsettling as I'm not entirely sure what triggers this  :Idunno:
Sendings hugs  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 10, 2018, 10:49:21 PM
Thank you Three Roses, Deep blue and Wattlebird.

I don't remember specific anniversaries. This holiday has always had mixed feelings for me. Atleast ever since I started having boyfriends. My first proper one not being very nice.
Most of my hospitalisation have been during the holidays.  So maybe there is lingering fear, unrest connected to those emotional memories. This holiday tends to be one of reflection, love and vulnerability I think. And well, although I enjoy Christmas I suppose it also triggers me.

neither here nor there thoughts
Tomorrow I am meeting Lady L at the SA support centre. I feel I should be smart and pick a subject to talk about. Or tell her that after Christmas I would like to talk more about the subjects that I keep avoiding, or finding subjects that can slowly build into that. Like Worth, Shame... I feel there are other important topics here too that revolves around SA and R. I also made a drawing based on a figurine and used watercolour to liven it up as a Christmas card for her. Incase tomorrow is last session before Christmas. I do worry about a month of absence. Although, come summer... I'll be 2 months without Lady T.

She is another topic. I see her on Wednesday. I should make her a Christmas card too. She pointedly asked me to think of what to spend the session on. I hope she has a written answer for my questions. I brought it up last time, I'm not sure she will remember. I trust her, I like her - but she's still distracted at times. I was thinking maybe the self worth talk... Maybe the increased hypervigilance when I am out and about. I don't want to drag up sex and trauma before Christmas, when I can't see her for a month.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 11, 2018, 02:52:35 AM
dear sweet sceal,

that hypervigilence stuff can be so wearing.  plus, everything else you're facing - it's a wonder you're not exhausted most of the time.  so much energy being used.    sending a hug filled with compassion and comfort  :bighug: - i just don't have the words i want.  love you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 11, 2018, 03:12:11 PM
 :hug: thank you San. Your words were perfect the way they were.

The bad stuff
It sounds stupid. I know it does, it sounds stupid even in my head. But I had "forgotten" the intensity, the shame and sadness and fear I feel when I am hypervigilant. I mean, I know it. But it wasn't until I was with Lady L today and she kept prodding and prodding. I had, in a way, I think, locked away all the emotions. Or put a damper on them.
Today is *. She asked me how things were going, and I was feeling fairly neutral. I told her about some worries. I said I see Her and Him everywhere and I'm afraid to be in town now.  Because if it turns out to be them.. I am so * scared.  Tears wouldn't stop. And pain exploded nearly inside of me. It's not often I notice it so clearly. I mean, that the pain that I feel is linked to my fear and stress. I guess it most of the time, but today I experienced the connection between the two.  She asked me if I am afraid to take responsibility for my actions. I don't think so. But I am scared of what my actions or lack there of will lead me into.  And I got a little frustrated if she meant that it was all my fault. Because of the actions I took or didn't take in my past r and sa. I dont think she does, I want to think the better of her. But what if she does mean that, and that I just have to accept that part. That I stayed in that relationship for 5-6 years and didn't get out before. I keep blaming it on that I didn't realize what was going on was wrong. My brain wouldn't allow me to understand.  But what if that is just simply a poor excuse?
.I've spent an hour.calming down.
I found some old anxiety meds in my bag. Thank god.
I am calm now. But I am also stuck. I can't get away. I am so tired.
Another thing is... With anxiety medication it relaxes all the things... So now my pain has doubled.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 11, 2018, 05:10:46 PM
you know, sweetie, i don't understand what she meant by that question, either.  as a therapist, i wouldn't have asked such a loaded (to my mind) question without an explanation of what i meant by it.  i think it was a really ambiguous question, and i'm sorry, very sorry, she asked it and then let you sit with the aftermath of thoughts and possibilities of it running thru your head.

as a friend who happens to be a therapist, i will tell you that what happened with He and She was absolutely and unequivocally NOT YOUR FAULT.  not one little bit.  you stayed in that relationship, like so many of us have, because our choice was taken away from us - either from coercion, confusion, not understanding, not knowing, mind mucks done by them (i changed the word there) - whatever it was.  the entire thing is on them, not on you.

you stayed, you did whatever you did, you 'allowed', you said 'ok' - it doesn't matter.  what they did was wrong.  they exploited someone from a position of power, someone who was vulnerable for whatever reason, and they double-teamed you as well.  you were swimming upstream   :sharkbait:  the entire time, and you were finally able to get out as soon as you could.

sweet sceal, they put you in a victim position on purpose, only to manipulate you for their own means.  you might have been the victim then, but all the work, determination, and courage you have shown since lets the world know that you haven't remained a victim.  you have shown such strength in fighting these demons - you are an inspiration.

please, do not let lady l's ambiguous question cause you to doubt yourself.  as you continue to have more trust in yourself, in your personal power, i have no doubt those fears will subside.  they can't hurt you anymore - you got out and it took a lot of guts to do that.  i give you all kinds of credit for that, and pooh on any question that makes you question yourself.  it was NOT YOUR FAULT.  sending much love, sweetie, and a hug filled with loads of support and validation for your choices in an insane situation.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 11, 2018, 06:19:20 PM
I agree with San,
It's not your fault.  Sending you love and support  :bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on December 13, 2018, 06:59:27 AM
I wonder what she meant? I can't imagine she thought anything was your fault but her question could certainly be taken that way, I'd ask her next time because I'm sure she wouldn't have meant it was your fault, and if she cleared up what she meant you could stop some of the anxiety (hopefully)
I hope that's clear, I mean it's not your fault and she must know that too.
Big hugs nice gentle safe hugs too
:hug:  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 13, 2018, 03:30:00 PM
Dear San:
We've had this conversation up before, Lady L and I. I am not sure I quite fully understood her question back then either. Or at least I didn't put it into context of getting myself into unfortunate situations. She didn't want to let me go, she was a little worried to let me leave, but she had another patient to see after me.

I understand that the first relationship that lasted for so many years was where my mind got so confused, so manipulated and groomed slowly over time that I had no capacity to understand that what was happening was not okay. But the next time, which was a "one night stand", I should have been able to avoided. I should have gone to the hotel management and get the man out of my room rather than go in. But I didn't, I was too afraid to be scolded by the hotel staff that I had a guest in my room. How f* isn't that? Now that I think about that nearly 10 years later. Should I not accept my actions in that situation? Wasn't that my fault? I could have so easily avoided it.

Dear Deep Blue: I hope you're right.

Dear Wattlebird: I am not sure I dare to ask her face-to-face, I think I will send her an e-mail today. And hopefully she's around tomorrow and will see me when I come to the centre to spend a few hours there and can take me aside to answer.

Thank you all for reading, commenting, for caring and just being here for me.  :hug:


The Bad Stuff
Yesterday was hard too. Another day where I woke up feeling like "what's the point?". I am still struggling with that today, because what is the point?
I wake up, I get somewhat dressed - mostly meaning I put on socks and some tights since I'm already wearing a nightshirt. Make breakfast and sit by the computer for the rest of the day. Except for the times I have appointments outside the home. Or when I get so restless or frustrated at the mess that I start cleaning. (which is every day). There's no point to it. I don't enjoy life, I don't take it by the horns and make the most out of it. I have had so much free time the past year, I could have done so much more with my time. I mean, anything. Not filling it all up, because that would just make me crash and burn, I've learnt that lesson. But ANYTHING.... Yet... I don't.

And then I try to remind myself: "But Sceal, the goal this past year was to prioritize your health. Everything else came after." And I have prioritized my health, I've worked hard on that, I wont say otherwise. At times I haven't worked at all, by all means. I'll admit that. Like lately. I have been lazy, worn out, not interessted, distanced from myself.  Despite all of it, it doesn't feel like it is enough. And while I'm writing this, I can hear Lady T and Lady L asking me "Enough for who?", and the answer is... I'm not sure. I'm not sure who it has to be enough for. Is it my parents? Is it to show them I am not a failure, there is still hope that I can build up a life they can be proud that they had me, fed me, raised me and have financially supported me? or is it society, to show them I am not only a burden on the wellfare system. I am willing to work and pay my taxes and contribute to everyone's wellfare and I don't know, generally contribute and be of use.  Maybe it is my friends, so they can be proud they chose to stay by me. Or is it the alient concept that it is to be enough for me?

I had my session with Lady T yesterday. Before then I was restless, stressed, unfocused. I was walking around in circles at home. I ended up going to a friends place for coffee beforehand, was a few hard conversations with him. It usually is, but I think it has done me the world of good. Perhaps I should make him a christmas card too to say thank you for all the wonderful talks we've had and how he has pushed me on topics I wouldn't ordinarily talk about. When I got to the office of Lady T I started pacing back and forth, I was so much at unease. No matter how much I've wanted to pace before, I never did. I was sick every few minutes. And I'm not really quite sure why. Why now? I suspect it is because of my increased hypervigilance and because of my conversation at the SA support centre with Lady L the day before. And the vulnerability that came forward due to that.  I told Lady T about the hypervigilance, I intended to suggest that or the topic of self-worth. But never got that far, because I was so skittish and for unease. I needed the curtains closed despite being in the second floor, and you can't really see who's sitting on the sofa from below (I've checked). She wasn't happy with my increased avoidance and she said as much. I said in frustration that it's not like I can do exposure therapy for this. I can't go practice getting closer and closer to Her and Him and practice blowing them off without escalating a dangerous conflict. How am I supposed to do that? I told her I have practiced saying things out loud by my self when I want to say things to non-threatening people before, and it doesn't help. I still can't do it. She asked for example with who I meant. And I told her that I meant her. And she got super curious and started laughing, and wanted to know like what stuff. And I got flustered and incredible embarrased, but it lightened the mood for me somewhat. And at the end of the session I felt better. I needed the break that she gave me, a room of safety. Even if the conversation was uncomfortable and I wasn't quite willing. It was still good for me. She also said she had sent the written answer to me by post. the one I had asked of her a few weeks back when she said she was starting a new job and I thought I was loosing her. She also said "I am not sure if it is the answer you were looking for" Which made me both curious and scared.

The letter arrived today, and it wasn't as scary as I feared. She had written alot about the positive things that I have done the last 1.5 year, and even if I haven't achieved the goals we had set at the beginning when I met her, it was alot of good words. She also put in writing she believes that per date I got 20-30% workload ability. It's not alot, and I suspect that was what she was refering to. That wasn't what I was looking for. She also gave me some concrete tips on what to do to increase my workload ability at the gallery I'm starting at in less than a month. To which I had to laugh a little, because she knows me far too well. Pointed out that it would be smart to lower my expectations and to ease into it, and praise myself for even getting there the days I get there, instead of being frustrated and use energy on lack of production. Ended with her saying we should focus on working on my big tendency for avoidance. It's not my favourite thing, obviously, since I tend to avoid working on that too. Hah! But I couldn't help to notice that she avoided answering my question in regards to future progression and thoughts about whether I can be "healed".

Today started off really poorly. Roomie had sat his alarm at 06. I was so pissed! First of all he woke me up too, but most of all because he has stolen my mornings. I have literally NO alonetime anymore, except when he's at work. And he usually works more and more daytime now, and I'm often busy during the days. So I have NO rest at home. I cannot tell you how pissed off this is making me. both yesterday and today I just lay in bed for HOURS to be alone. It was boring, but then I wouldn't have to be in the same room as him. This morning when I got up I slammed the door and put my things on speaker rather than headphones. I felt so disrespected, and if he's going to keep disrespecting me I'll do the same. I'm fully aware that this will lead to a war at home. But he KNOWS that I need alone time, this is NOTHING new. He knew before he moved in with me 7 years ago! Nothing has changed in that department, and it never will. You don't suddenly wake up one day and your brain chemistry have changed from being an introvert to an extrovert and suddenly needing all the social contact! Sigh. Hopefully this is just another phase and that it'll change again soon back to more normal. And even more, I hope this co-living situation is coming to an end within the next 2 years. He is amazing on many areas, and he should be allowed to wake up however early he wants. I shouldn't dictate that at all. It's not my place. I just wish he could understand the need I have to be allowed to feel like this is my home too, a safe haven for me too. Not just for him.

But it's better now, I managed to finish Christmas presents, and I got a walk in the sun on a forest trail. It wasn't as long as I intended, but it was lovely walking the short bit I did before my legs hurt too much. This has been a very long post, I should wrap it up here I think.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 13, 2018, 05:25:18 PM
Thanks for sharing so honestly here Sceal.

I avoid too.  I think many of us here do. 

I'm sorry your day was so up and down.  Also, I practice saying things outload too.  And you know what? I'm not even embarrassed about it! I think it's a good way to sort through my emotions.

Sorry about your roomie not being respectful of your quiet time.  I find that time so valuable.  I think it's so important to have that time so we can recharge and sort stuff out.

As always I send you love and support darling  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 13, 2018, 08:31:36 PM
you know, sceal, i've seen the issues of a lot of different people on this forum, including my own.  one thing i've noticed is that time and time again, people talk to others about where the fault lies in our making questionable choices, and time and time again they talk about fear.  fear of doing something, fear of refusing to do something, whatever it is, there is a fear factor involved. (thinking out loud here)

you spoke of 'fear' concerning your one night stand - fear of being scolded.  just the word 'scolded' is one, to my mind, that pertains to some type of authority figure reprimanding a child.  i think that when we fear being scolded, it's because it's our child self that is present, which means that it's the logic of a child that is making the decisions. 

those decisions are coming from a place that doesn't know how to be responsible as an adult - doesn't know the warning signs of what might be dangerous, can't distinguish between discomfort and danger,  doesn't have the feeling of adult power, doesn't have the knowledge of self that comes with time, teaching, and healthy examples.   i think most of us with c-ptsd have been in similar situations, have been afraid of being 'scolded' and have made unhealthy choices because of it.

that's part of the overall grooming that's been present in our lives since we were young - by parents, teachers, relatives, religions, and any other adult/institution that had power over what we learned about ourselves, others, and the world in general.  i understand you made the decision to go ahead with that one-night stand, but it was because of fear.

the  way i see it, it's only when we make decisions/choices without fear, or make healthy choices in spite of fear, that we are working from our adult place of logic and understanding.  we've been groomed from day one by all kinds of authority figures in our lives to make unhealthy choices because of the fear of what might happen if we made a different choice.

so, to that end, 'fault' becomes kind of a catch-all concept.  when our minds have been corrupted by whatever means, stealthy or overt, the corrupted thinking is what drives us forward.  that's where our decisions come from.  adults with uncorrupted minds will invariably make consistently healthy choices because they have faith in themselves to deal with the consequences from a place of adult power. 

i know that i'm writing a lot about this, but it's helping me to see my way through this minefield of 'fault' more clearly, too.   i don't mean to be preaching.  i've certainly made my fair share of unhealthy choices, still do, and take responsibility by dealing with the consequences.  i just hope i keep learning from them.  i think that may be part of the point, at least.

anyway, for what it's worth, that's my take on who's at 'fault' for any unhealthy choices we've made along the way.  sending love and support, sweet sceal, as you make your way thru this struggle.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on December 14, 2018, 01:39:39 AM
Ow sceal I understand, when you talked of your "one night stand " it reminded me a lot of a similar situation where I went into an internal panic at my inability to say no or stop or I don't want this, even ! Then I was like " this is my fault because I can't  speak up! " That internal message was so strong I didn't speak up, luckily the guy realised I think and asked if I wanted this or not I then said not and he backed off. But I was "why am I such a coward if he didn't ask I was such an easy victim " it left me feeling like a complete idiot,  :doh:  I even have trouble writing "victim" as I feel like I got myself into that situation and didn't do nothing to get out of it, how can that be a victim, victim of myself I guess.
Sorry I'm not implying this is you at all, just the inability to ask for help from staff.
Conditioning for sure
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 15, 2018, 07:57:38 PM
Wow! Thank you guys for your thoughtful answers, i am still processing them and will try to get back to you with an answer.

The bad stuff
I got an inflammation in my arm, I think that is the best description for it. I have chronic low level inflammation in my body, and suffer from flare ups when i've done something to push past the limits of what my body can handle. the last two years i've mainly been suffering from it in my legs, preventing me from walking around. This time is like when it started. it's my right arm, my dominant one. I am trying my best to let the left be the one mainly in use, but it is slow going and my right arm tenses up anyway. its not used to not be in work. And it hurts. It feels like there's an external pressure on my bones, crushing them.

another day i woke up to feeling like "meh - what's the point?". i am looking forward to the day when i have consistent and stable purpose for getting up and out of bed.  Today has been lazy. im not even out of my PJ's, and I'm about to take an early night.

The good stuff
however much i am frustrated with my roomie these days, we did have taco-night and watched the first harry potter movie. We couldn't decide upon a christmas movie, and tbh, I kind of feel the first harry potter movie is somewhat christmassy.

i finished a book. and i intend to resume reading more rather than being a prisoner to tv-shows. we'll see how it goes.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 15, 2018, 08:22:57 PM
Sending you love darling  :bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 15, 2018, 08:23:42 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 17, 2018, 02:51:21 PM
dang, i know about that inflammation thing - so very sorry you're suffering with it.

the 1st hp movie is my favorite, and i can totally see it being christmas-y.  the wonder of discovery in a child's eyes.

love you, sweetie.   :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 19, 2018, 10:42:14 AM
Hi Sceal,
Sending you a hug,  :hug: - I hope that your arm will improve soon - sorry that you're suffering with it.  I hope it will be better very soon.  Take care.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 19, 2018, 01:18:14 PM
Okay! Replying to some of the previous comments!

Quote from: Deep Blue on December 13, 2018, 05:25:18 PM
Thanks for sharing so honestly here Sceal.

I avoid too.  I think many of us here do. 

One of my main goals as a person is to become a wholehearted person, and with that comes the honesty I believe. I would like a wholehearted life one day.

Avoidance is a common occurance in PTSD, C-PTSD. It is also part of my PD. So, double up! Yet I do think I push the boundaries almost everyday. And sometimes it just stops.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 13, 2018, 08:31:36 PM
you know, sceal, i've seen the issues of a lot of different people on this forum, including my own.  one thing i've noticed is that time and time again, people talk to others about where the fault lies in our making questionable choices, and time and time again they talk about fear.  fear of doing something, fear of refusing to do something, whatever it is, there is a fear factor involved. (thinking out loud here)

you spoke of 'fear' concerning your one night stand - fear of being scolded.  just the word 'scolded' is one, to my mind, that pertains to some type of authority figure reprimanding a child.  i think that when we fear being scolded, it's because it's our child self that is present, which means that it's the logic of a child that is making the decisions. 

those decisions are coming from a place that doesn't know how to be responsible as an adult - doesn't know the warning signs of what might be dangerous, can't distinguish between discomfort and danger,  doesn't have the feeling of adult power, doesn't have the knowledge of self that comes with time, teaching, and healthy examples.   i think most of us with c-ptsd have been in similar situations, have been afraid of being 'scolded' and have made unhealthy choices because of it.

that's part of the overall grooming that's been present in our lives since we were young - by parents, teachers, relatives, religions, and any other adult/institution that had power over what we learned about ourselves, others, and the world in general.  i understand you made the decision to go ahead with that one-night stand, but it was because of fear.

the  way i see it, it's only when we make decisions/choices without fear, or make healthy choices in spite of fear, that we are working from our adult place of logic and understanding.  we've been groomed from day one by all kinds of authority figures in our lives to make unhealthy choices because of the fear of what might happen if we made a different choice.

so, to that end, 'fault' becomes kind of a catch-all concept.  when our minds have been corrupted by whatever means, stealthy or overt, the corrupted thinking is what drives us forward.  that's where our decisions come from.  adults with uncorrupted minds will invariably make consistently healthy choices because they have faith in themselves to deal with the consequences from a place of adult power. 

i know that i'm writing a lot about this, but it's helping me to see my way through this minefield of 'fault' more clearly, too.   i don't mean to be preaching.  i've certainly made my fair share of unhealthy choices, still do, and take responsibility by dealing with the consequences.  i just hope i keep learning from them.  i think that may be part of the point, at least.

anyway, for what it's worth, that's my take on who's at 'fault' for any unhealthy choices we've made along the way.  sending love and support, sweet sceal, as you make your way thru this struggle.

I realise that my one-night stand example is a little tricky. Because I didn't include all of the details, but I'm to ashamed to. But I do like the thoughts you have suggesting that it was a somewhat childish act that occured. That some inner-child or something came out and refused to go downstairs because the fear of being scolded would be too hard for the child to carry. I will process this thought a little bit more down the road, and see if it'll help to lessen the shame around this incident. I do hate that it occured.

Quote from: Wattlebird on December 14, 2018, 01:39:39 AM
Ow sceal I understand, when you talked of your "one night stand " it reminded me a lot of a similar situation where I went into an internal panic at my inability to say no or stop or I don't want this, even ! Then I was like " this is my fault because I can't  speak up! " That internal message was so strong I didn't speak up, luckily the guy realised I think and asked if I wanted this or not I then said not and he backed off. But I was "why am I such a coward if he didn't ask I was such an easy victim " it left me feeling like a complete idiot,  :doh:  I even have trouble writing "victim" as I feel like I got myself into that situation and didn't do nothing to get out of it, how can that be a victim, victim of myself I guess.
Sorry I'm not implying this is you at all, just the inability to ask for help from staff.
Conditioning for sure

What you are describing here is something I have struggled with, over and over and over and over again. And in my case, I'm not certain if the men always realized I was afraid or didn't want to, I know on a few instances they knew but didn't give a *.  And I do struggle in afterthought with feeling like I am/was a "victim" to their desires and greed. And I feel so much shame, so much shame on this topic.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I can imagine that being difficult.


:hug: :grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 19, 2018, 01:19:42 PM
Thank you for all the hugs!   :grouphug:

My arm is slowly getting better. It's only bothering me periodically now. I got new medication for it, but I haven't picked it up yet (Lazy + out of money).

I was planning on writing more, but I think writing a PM, and writing the previous post took the air out of me. So I'll go make pancakes and return to art instead.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 19, 2018, 09:27:50 PM
glad to hear your arm is getting better.  that must feel o so good.

that shame stuff can really wreck us.  i've had those one-night stands myself - not fun, not satisfying, didn't come close to what i thought it might be.  just ugly.  unfortunately, we do stuff like that every so often.  i think that the adult part of us takes responsibility for our part in it, and, well, sometimes we have to write the rest of it off as a bad investment.  we made a mistake, and we're learning from it.  that's a plus, isn't it?

i give you so much credit for writing about it, for letting it out.  i hope that's a positive thing for you.  i've been there, and i'm just glad i'm not there anymore.  with you on this, sweetie.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 20, 2018, 02:28:34 AM
Nightmare nightmare nightmare :'(
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on December 20, 2018, 06:40:52 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 20, 2018, 01:08:29 PM
Oh no Sceal!
Those can really take the wind out of your sails.  Try to be extra loving with yourself today.  That exhaustion piece after a night of poor sleep can be a double whammy  :stars:

Sometimes I write down the nightmare in an attempt to get it out of me.

I care about you darling  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 20, 2018, 01:23:36 PM
 :bighug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 20, 2018, 11:00:34 PM
It wasn't trauma related..it was just an old fashioned nightmare.

the bad stuff

I've noticed I have struggled with sleep this week..ranging from not sleeping to continually waking up to nightmares. My Lady E says it's not really that strange, my mind is doing alot of working right now and it's disturbing my sleep patterns. When I complained that regular folks can do one night without sleep she reminded me their brains aren't filled up with all this chaos and mess. I don't like it, but I am starting to just having to accept I need sleep every night. Otherwise it turns into poor choices and unregulated emotions the next days.  She also pointed out  I was avoiding things today, even when I was talking about avoidance I was avoiding. I hate working on avoidance. There's a part of me that struggle against working on it and twists s knife inside me whenever I am confronted with it.

I also have to admit to myself that I more than likely come across as aggressive in my tone of voice to my roommate and perhaps in certain situations with my family. My Lady E would say it is good, it is a sign of standing up for myself. But I think sometimes it is not needed..I don't have to barge in and tell him to clean. For example. I pride myself on being tolerantn and calm. But I think I need to accept that I am not around him. Which is a shame..I will have to work on that down the line.

I dissociated for a minute today. It's been a while. It was at the SA support center.

I walked through town today without realising I was showing my * to everyone as my skirt had crawled up past my jacket. :whistling: :disappear:

the good stuff
I got an additional homework from Lady E at eating disorders support center Today. To write down atleast one positive thing a day along with food journal. So I'm going back to that here as well.

I put on make-up today and it looked good. I don't wear makeup in my daily life. I was never that kind of girl. I like it on occasions.

I went to a Christmas concert in a huge hall.  With 1609 other people in the hall and no anxiety.

I had 4 meals at regular intervals today. Lady E says my body will start to adjust now, and me feeling less bloated is part of it due to regular meals. My intestines are working all the time rather than randomly. Which apparently is good. 4 meals is still difficult, but not so much as in the beginning
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 21, 2018, 06:22:46 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 21, 2018, 08:46:37 AM
Quote from: Three Roses on December 21, 2018, 06:22:46 AM
:hug:
:hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 21, 2018, 11:48:05 PM
 The bad stuff
I ate a whole half box of ice cream. At first I felt okay. I had eaten it because I wanted to. To celebrate some alone time. Then the shame got to me, and the guilt. Now I don't feel so good.

I finally finished the handpainted Christmas card to Lady T, and I rushed over to the clinic to give it to her. Only to be told she's already on holiday vacation. She won't be back until January. She has had alot more than the usual 4 weeks of holiday this year. I wonder how that will go for my treatment if she will continue with that during 2019.

In my rush to get the card delivered I didn't have time to give my roomie a safe-travels and Christmas hug. I feel terrible because of that. So selfish. I couldn't even drive him to the airport because mom needed her car back today and I needed to return it. I felt guilty that I returned the car with no fuel on it. I had warned her, but I have no money to refuel.

Loads of guilt today.

There was a lady on the tram today, clearly having had a life battling her own demons. It's not common that people start talking aloud here, not to themselves or to whoever is nearby. But she did. And after a while she tried to get my attention. She tried to touch my arm. She was amused my jacket and her bag had the same colour. But I flinched. I pulled back. I got scared. And ashamed - there was nothing bad in what she meant. It was rude of me to pull back.

And now, now I am scared of being home alone. I am scared my abusers decide they are going to pay me a visit. I imagine they will be subtle about it. "Hi. We've missed you. Why haven't you answered your phone or any of the messages on Facebook?" All innocently like. But there will be an undertone to it, they will be telling me I won't get away that easily.
This hasn't happened.... Yet. Yet. 

the good things
My friend came over and made us dinner. We talked about loads of stuff for hours. (Too many hours). I even surprised myself with talking more freely about my concerns and he didn't flinch or judge me.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 21, 2018, 11:53:30 PM
To be fair Sceal,
I wouldn't want a stranger touching me either! That's way outside my comfort zone.

We are here if you are nervous about being alone. 

Thinking of you and hope you have a good one  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 22, 2018, 06:17:35 AM
 :yeahthat:

i don't think you were rude, either.  strangers touching me?  nuh-uh.  and you warned your mom about the lack of money for gas - that sounds about right to me. 

:grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Blueberry on December 22, 2018, 03:21:24 PM
Sceal, I don't think you're selfish for not wishing your roomie a good Christmas / safe travels etc. It sounds like you were more in a rush, too much to do. It wasn't selfish - quite the opposite - to be hand-painting a card for Lady T and taking it to her. You were doing that instead of something for roomie. We can't be in 3 places at once, it just doesn't work.

I'm sorry Lady T took off before you could give her the card. She'll get it in January though and I'm sure it'll mean a lot to her then too. Lots of my Christmas post tends to arrive late. Better late than never. Better once every 5 years than never. We've got other stuff on our plates all year, can't always keep up with everything.

I agree with the others that it's not rude to not allow someone to touch your arm. That's your space and your sense of safety comes first. That other lady with her demons needs to find somebody else to converse with.

I suppose feelings of guilt are an EF thing. I wish you fewer feelings of guilt. Maybe there's a packet waiting for you over on the Porch with a little box to put your guilty feelings in so you can lock them away sometimes?

I will be on the forum on and off over the holidays, and I'm sure others will be too. So please drop by if you're feeling scared or guilty or whatever.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 22, 2018, 06:16:41 PM
Hi Sceal,
I just wanted to say that I think it was a difficult situation with the lady on the tram, and I would have felt uncomfortable about someone I didn't know trying to touch me - so I completely understand your reaction to that.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
I hope you'll feel safer this evening - maybe imagine a golden glow of safety around you - that's what I do sometimes - and it seems to be protective, but I realise it's just a mental image - but I used to do it as a child - imagining I had an 'aura' around me, that no one could get to - unless I allowed them.  Felt stronger somehow.  Sceal, I hope you feel a bit safer - and that you can get some rest and sleep later.
Take care,
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 23, 2018, 09:45:06 PM
Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and support. ❤️
I think you might be right, Blueberry. It might possibly have been a long lasting EF.

the bad stuff
I've been so exhausted today. I tried to check in with myself today, to do things I wanted to do. Problem was I didn't really want anything or have the energy to do anything. So I was on the sofa all day watching Christmas movies. Some really bad, one better. All for children. I needed to get in contact with my inner child in order to get some holiday spirit. I could need some Santa Claus magic tonight.

I've only eaten carbs Today. I'm dissapointed by that.

Now that I am in bed, I keep "seeing" them. I don't want to remember that stuff.  So tired.
And no one to talk to. No one to comfort me. Not properly.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 24, 2018, 08:52:16 AM
Hi Sceal,
I hope you had some Santa Claus Magic - as I know that is what you wanted.  I hope you managed to get some sleep in the end, and I wanted to send you a comforting hug  :hug: 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 24, 2018, 10:55:03 AM
Merry Christmas everyone!  :fireworks:

I know that for some of you, this is a difficult holiday, but I hope that this year it will be filled with new good memories to replace those bad ones from years back.

Dear Hope, I did get some sleep, and I had an uncomfortable dream. But that was all it was, uncomfortable. It wasn't a nightmare, and I woke up super early and feeling rested.
It even started to snow for a short while, almost like magic (it's raining away now though, but...)

The Good Stuff
I'm waiting to be picked up by my dad. I am bringing too much stuff to carry on the bus. I'm going to laundry my and my roomie's duvet. My washer is too small, and I don't have a drier. So I use my parents twice a year. And there's very little that is more comfortable than coming home to a freshly made bed with new linen and a clean duvet!  :cheer:

I'm all dolled up. I put the make-up on, and I feel good. I was feeling disgusted by myself earlier today. I'm somewhat bloated and wearing workout tights that dig into my stomach was not improving my mood. But I'm in my dress now and trying very hard to ignore that my dress-tights is a number too small as it keeps slipping down.  I put on one of grandmas old necklaces that she beaded, it's with silver beads. It goes well against my dark attire and red hair. Dad and I are going to visit her and grandpa's grave too. I miss her, and I love her.

I've watched the MUST watch Christmas movie on Christmas Eve, it's an old czech movie that's been dubbed by one voice. Or rather, I put it on in the background while I was packing together all the presents and over-night bag and my sketchbook and reading book (I anticipate alot of time where I'll be idle).
And now christmas music is playing.

Christmas times makes me, as well as so many others, to think back about the year that has been. It's been a very eventful year. I thought it'd be a dull one. But I was wrong. I have very little planned for 2019, so I'm hoping good surprises and desicions will be made that makes 2019 as good as 2018. Despite all the worries, fears, flashbacks, body memories, physical, mental and emotional pain. Despite the utter exhaustion at times, I've worked hard and it has actually paid out well.

I struggle with food still, but I will try and do as my Eating Disorder councillor/support person says: Note down the positives of each day to keep them fresh, and remind myself that everyday isn't all bad. It's not as if I am dwelling at the negative thoughts and feelings all the time. But it might look like it as it's usually when I write here. And I rarely have positive emotions surrounding food, which is what she sees when she goes through my food journal.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 24, 2018, 01:11:42 PM
merry christmas to you, sceal.   :boogie:

sounds like you look fabulous, dahling, and that you're in a festive mood.  i enjoy christmas, too.  and, yes, it has been an eventful year - nothing boring about it.

enjoy enjoy the holiday, and keep up the good work.  love and hugs, my darling sceal.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 24, 2018, 02:28:52 PM
Merry Christmas Sceal.

:bighug:  hope you enjoy time with your dad.  Thinking of you
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 24, 2018, 08:45:20 PM
 :hug: Merry Christmas!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 24, 2018, 10:26:59 PM
Merry Christmas, Sceal! 🎄🎁🎅❤️
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 25, 2018, 12:44:49 PM
It was a lovely evening for most parts! I got some lovely gifts, and I got to see everyone getting happy for getting their gifts too. And alot of good, totally unhealthy food. Cuddles with the dogs.
Although, I wasn't much included in the conversations, and as the evening went on - they got louder and louder and I got more and more sound sensitive. My mom became somewhat agressive at times, I asked my dad if he noticed. He didn't really. Either because he's used to her or because I am way too sensitive. But it felt like a knife stabbing me gently each time. Even if her aggressiveness wasn't aimed at me, actually it never was aimed at me. And neither was it mean - it was more her wanting to be heard and to be right rather than anything else. Oh, and some frustration at my dad at times.  I dunno, I've always been sensitive to agressivitiy. Even as a young child, although there seriously were no need for me to be as sensitive as I was.
They also started discussing trauma, on a general term. That made my stomach twist. They have their opinions and their own experiences, how much trauma they've been through in their lives I can't honestly say. I don't know, except for this one incident that affected the entire family in various degrees due to some terrorists. 

I was very happy when my aunties finally left, then I ran to the bedroom to be alone and fall asleep. My mom was surprised I went to bed - but I really couldn't handle anymore.
I slept well, weird dreams, but nothing bad.

I am back home now. I've hoovered, and doing some laundry. And aired out the flat. It feels nice now. Cleaner somehow.
I've got some work to do this week. Figuring out the goals I want to work towards the next 3 months, and such.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 25, 2018, 04:32:58 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 25, 2018, 08:56:18 PM
 :hug: Three Roses


The Feelings

So, come dinner today I overate. I had the portion my mom let me bring back home. It was a sizeable portion, but not what I call "American Size" (The times I've been to the US the portions have been so huge. I hope no one takes offence at my nicknaming portions - actually I feel pretty bad now.. But I think I need to let this stay here. I'm worried about all my american friends here will think. I'm afraid I've hurt someone unwittingly, and I'm scared what they might think of me now... and I think I need to learn not to worry about these things. Eventually people will get insulted by what I say and think, I can't please everyone. Not anymore. I stop to exist then...). But I had bought a bag of chips the day the shops closed down for christmas, so I'd have something to nibble on. Except I didn't nibble. I downed it. I even felt I'd had far too much salt, but I couldn't stop.

I think I couldn't stop because I was feeling emotions I didn't want to feel, having thoughts I didn't want to deal with. What exactly those things were, I'm not rightly sure. I was watching a tv-show which is about a stalker, perhaps that wasn't the healthiest choice for me. I just didn't want to search for a new show, so I took the first one I found. It's quite a few hours since my overeating. My Eating Disorder Lady is telling me I need to force myself to eat ALL the meals, even when I overeat, and I'm getting close (or rather past) the time for evening meal, and just thinking of it is making me want to cry. I want to curl up and ugly cry. Except I wont. I wont allow myself to cry, I never do. There's a blockage there that I can't undo just yet. I mean, I do cry when pushed in therapy. Or when watching emotional movies. Usually it tends to come as a surprise to me. 

I am feeling unease, unrest. My chest and throat feels constricted, my gut feels like it has a bottomless pit of darkness and a bit of crimson red. My back is extending, my legs doesn't exist most of the time (I mean, Idon't notice they are there). My lower belly feels like it's filled with disgusting, and heavy yellow pus.  This is how Lady T makes me check in with my body. Describe what it feels like, and colour and where. If I can. And then notice the change when I do something different. While typing I'm sitting  pretty straight up, so I leaned back in my chair and opened my arms out wide to the side, and I was just filled with such sadness. My gut isn't so bottomless anymore, and I can breathe easier. But I feel so much more heavier.

I tried to do some self-care. I took a hot shower, and I used some shower foam and a body lotion afterwards that I recieved as a christmas gift from my friends. I never usually use that kind of stuff. I think it's because I feel like I don't deserve it, mixed with not wanting to touch and awknowledge my body. I don't think it worked much, atleast not today. But perhaps it will long term? I hope so.

I feel such pressure, I think. I think that's what's going on. Pressure to be jolly, and pressure to relax and unwind. I have the place to myself now, I need to use the time the best as I can. so I MUST UNWIND. Except, the mind doesn't work quite like that. Perhaps I'll manage to do so the day roomie returns. I am supposed to feel and choose to do the things that I WANT to do. Just because I want to do them. But most of the time I'm not sure what it is I want, or if I even want anything. I just feel like I'm filled up with obligations, and I'm not sure who put them on me. Others, or myself? Regardless, I can't seem to rid myself of them.

Earlier today though, I had some energy so I drove near this trail area and I walked my new routine. It's just 40 minutes. It's not very long. Most people go out for a hike today, as most people feel guilty about all that food for Christmas. So there was loads of people out. But I was so pleased with myself, because I got out. I found the parking lot (I appraoched from a new direction), the weather wasn't exactly amazing. It was drizzling, and normally I just stay in. But I went out anyway. And I was pleased with that. And I thought to myself "I can do this", and by this, I meant working out. Going for trail hikes, lesser ones at first. once a week. I'll just not take the bus right home. I'll take the bus to the trail, go my round and then take the bus back home. Or alternatively take the trail up the mountain instead - and walk home afterwards. And I was so energetic about this, until I realized one thing: It's not likely to be very realitstic. It's too much too soon. I need to do the gallery thing first, get used to that. Just walking there and back home is 4.2km. I could get off the busstop a few stops earlier though and walk from there. I used to do that when I worked in town, and it was quite nice. It was a nice routine. And I've missed it, usually now when I finally go home I'm so exhausted I don't have the willpower of the energy for the extra 20-30 min walk. But maybe I can get there in a few months time. If I just step it up slowly? I made me think too. At first I was excited, then when I started planning how to do it, I realized I was doing it for being reckognized and be approved of by my much more healthier family, and society as a whole. And all of my energy left me, all of my motivation was gone. It's just wrong, I need to do it for me, because I want to. Deep down inside, I want to. And I do, I just can't bring out that motivation often enough, and it sucks.


So sorry for such a long rant.
But I am feeling a little lighter. I'm going to turn off the lights and listen to instrumental music now.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on December 26, 2018, 01:41:55 AM
I'm one of your American friends and I'm not offended by the label "American portion".  I think it's pretty right on  :bigwink:

I'm sorry you felt pressure to be jolly today but glad you wrote here.  Glad you are going to relax and listen to music tonight.  Take care love ya  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 26, 2018, 10:01:02 PM
I'm American and not in the least offended! It's very true that our portion sizes are humongous compared to other areas of the world.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 26, 2018, 10:09:47 PM
Thank you both  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 27, 2018, 01:57:33 PM
Dear Sceal, I hope you get some chance and opportunity to unwind, as I know you want to do that.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 28, 2018, 09:18:06 PM
Thank you Hope, it always takes me quite a while to actually settle down.

The Stuff

I don't think I had any magic in me when I woke up this morning, although dreaming I was the conductor of a two man band a big hall was quite nice. The morning was slow, I didn't really want to do anything. I knew I had stuff to do later. Roomie messaged me, I told him to apologise to his mom. I don't think he did though. He'd been snippy, he felt bad about it. And he couldn't stop stressing about work. It got me all grumpy and in a funk. I don't want to deal with this, I am not meant to deal with his stress. I've enough on my own to get rid of. So I was in a mood when I left the house.

I put on a podcast that is rather... well out there, I'm not going to say which it is. It always leaves me shocked and I keep grinning like a fool (I've gotten comments and weird looks from folks saying I look like a fool, in a funny way though, not ill-meant. I don't care. It makes me smile). Anyway, I turned it off when I got to the hospital, I figured it was no place to listen to such things. I was visiting my dad, he's in there for a planned thing. He looked sickly, uncomfortable and displeased. But it was nice to get to visit him. I got him a newspaper and helped him so he could watch the world championchip in chess - of all things. I hurried to town and I got to do some shopping for my sister too - and I know she apprechiates it. She lives an hour away from town, and rarely gets in town. Since I was already going there - why not?

Then I met up with two childhood friends, and I felt I bonded a little with them both on a new level. Complaining about the rudeness of our parents, while shaking our heads and laughing at them. Then we went to watch the new Mary Poppins movie, I was looking forward to it. And it did NOT dissapoint. I was scared I had my hopes too high, so I tried to lower them. But MAN how I love it. I am going back to see it again. I don't care if I have to go again. The magic was right back! Emily Blunt makes a perfect performance of Mary Poppins - and man she can sing! I don't rightly remember if there was a plot in the first movie, but I do remember the magic. And there was plenty of magic here too. And so many lessons I'd like to learn and sink in.  I've a new dream. I want to become Mary Poppins! :D With all her magic and attitude. I am feeling the inner child of me is squealing of joy. I wanted to dance, my feet were dancing in the seat.  (I'm relistening to the soundtrack as I'm typing)
And oh my let me tell you about those seats! Proper soft and comfortable recliners that even fit my *! They had heating in the chairs if you wanted, pleeenty of leg space, two holders for drinks AND a table. I mean - COME ON! That's luxery! You could lean back, comfortably - I've never been so comfortable in a cinema seat ever.

I even have an idea blossoming up in my mind for a children's story that's inspired by one of the songs. It's beautiful!


It's all made me re-remember one thing: Last new years eve I read something about saying Yes to the universe. Litereally going outside looking up at the sky and say YES, and embrace all that life has to offer in a way. Both the bad and the good, and all the things in-between. I'm not sure if I believe in fate or destiny, but I can't change what has happened to me. I can only make sure I make different choices in the here-and-no to avoid/prevent getting near people who want to misuse, abuse and manipulate me again. I need to get my resilient up, I need to get a resting *-face and stop people pleasing and learn to say "No" without feeling bad about it, or defend myself for not agreeing/accepting everything.

There is alot of things in life I'd love to explore, discover and learn and enjoy. And in order for that to happen properly I need to work through the things from my past. I need to stop avoiding talking about the things that truly hurt me. I need to let go of the shell, I need to get properly naked emotionally. I need to dare to. I don't rightly know how, but I know where to start : I'm writing a new letter to Lady T. And this time I will write in as much detail as I can. I can be brave. The worst has happened. Shame will not win.

I spoke a little of what's going in that letter with Lady L the other day. Somehow it's easier to say it out loud to her, although - well I left enough room for intepretations. There are words I can't rightly use yet. I will get there. In 2019, I aim to be able to say the words outloud. I might not get past it all, but I will get further.
She also answered my question about what she meant with being responsible. She did NOT mean that she thought I was responsible for what happened to me, she didn't mean that I should take responsibility for that. What she meant, was to ask if I perhaps didn't take responsibility for me still being a patient, of me leaning too heavily on the support system around me, instead of taking charge of my own life. She didn't mean to accuse me, she simply meant to pose it as a question. I don't remember her words exactly, but I could understand better what she meant, and I told her so. But that I also don't reckognize myself in what she was asking.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 28, 2018, 09:57:49 PM
i've read all the 'mary poppins' books several times over, have seen the original movie and absolutely loved it, and saw 'saving mr. banks' which told about the author and walt disney bringing her books to the screen, and i loved that story, too.  i was prepared not to love this new screen version, mainly cuz i so loved all the rest of it.  so, i'm so glad to hear how wonderful it is, and now i'm looking forward to seeing it.

magic, indeed.  i actually modeled being a mother after mary poppins.  the only thing wrong with that is the fact that i wasn't magical like her, so my parenting just came off as strict, sometimes too strict.  but, yeah, i thought she was a great role model, and i can see how you'd want to be her.  i love the magic that is mary poppins.

i love your goals, think they're great and worthy of your time and effort.  even if you succeed a bit with any of them, it will still be progress.  i'm cheering  :cheer: for you.  love and hugs, darling sceal.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on December 29, 2018, 01:30:32 AM
I'm glad u straightened up what lady L meant about responsibility, I love your goals as well, sending you lots of magic for the new year  :bigwink:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 29, 2018, 05:03:53 PM
I had no idea there were books, San. Now I have to pick them up! Thanks for telling me.

And thank you both for cheering me on my new goals. However I find that I am utterly exhausted today. Too much fun I suspect :P
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on December 30, 2018, 01:22:07 PM
there are 4 of them.  p.l. travers is the name of the author.  they're just wonderful.  maybe i'll read them again, too.   :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 30, 2018, 07:51:27 PM
My support friend is coming with me to see it next Friday 🤓 looking forward to it. I'll have a look at the books after I'm done with the ones I already have lined up
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 31, 2018, 10:57:53 AM
So the new year is here, pretty much. Somewhere in the world I am sure it is already 2019.

My windows are dirty, my laundry is only half-done, my floor could need a wash, and I had to take the christmas tree out yesterday it was loosing all it's needles everytime I bumped into it (which was surprisingly often). But to be honest, these are trivial matters I don't care about them. Once I would have made sure everything was clean and ready for the new year, and a part of me really wants to put on that laundry machine. Maybe I will, maybe I wont. Either way, both is okay.

I don't really follow the whole "new year, new me, new year resolution"-thing. But that's not to say I don't have goals for the new year. I haven't figured them all out yet, because I'm still learning to set what Lady T calls "realistic expectations". But in psychology they have discovered, researched and documented that the highest likelyhood of you reaching your goal comes if; when you set your goals you make them as detailed as possible, and then divide it up into smaller goals which are also detailed.

One of my goals this year is to work harder in therapy. But that is so vague, it can mean -anything-. So I'm rephrasing it to: My goal is to be able to talk about one of the traumas with my own words and voice. In order to achieve this I will have to practice talking about difficult things, I will have to stop avoiding hard topics, and I will have to slow down.  These are things I have to do, but it's not telling me anything about how I am going to do them, and this is where it is starting to get tricky for me. Because I really only have two part-goals plans. One is to write down in a letter to Lady T, what actually happened that last week-end in the fall of 2016. The other goal is to actually give it to her.

I think though, that my plans aren't specified enough yet. And therefore have a higher likelyhood of failing. Not a happy prospect, but I haven't given up yet. I'm working on that letter. And I have as long as I need to write it, but I do want to push myself to do it. And so I shall.

I do have art plans, and I do have vacation dreams. But those are more vague, because they both depend on my health. The art thing, it depends on the gallery and what they say when I present my thoughts and ideas to them on what I'd like to work on. If they approve of it, I think I'll have to sit down and make a more detailed plan. And somehow make it more realistic than what I currently have it as.  The vacation dream depends on two things; money and the surgery. I can't plan my year until I know when the surgery is, I suspect I will need a few months to acclimatize to my new life after it. But if it is during the spring it will affect the art-plan, and regardless of when it is: it will affect my health-plan and therapy plan. And no one can say yet in which direction: More positive or negative.

I have worries, fears, concerns and they exhausts me. They make me stress and wear me out, but despite that... They don't yet drown me. I'm still hopeful. And for the first time ever, I think, I am curious, excited and ready to jump in with two feet into the unknown future. I don't have a long-term plan. I've no idea what life has in store for me. I have no plan for it, but tip-toeing around and being afraid of trying has just held me back. I know that I will feel differently in a few days time. I know when I have a dark and difficult day or period, I will think I am a fool for having said this. But still, there's something magical going on, I just have to reach for it.

I picked up my roomie yesterday at the airport. He was confused at my jokes and general good nature and mood, despite being hungry as f*. I hadn't eaten for 10 hours, and normally that would awaken the hangry-monster. But as I told him, I've had 9 days more or less with as much free-time and solitude as I could want. I would have wanted more if I could have, but this is what happens when I get enough downtime. When I get enough silence around me, and to be allowed to be home and be alone for more than a few hours. I recharge. I've tried to explain this to him for years, and he discovers it everytime he goes away - but somehow as the year progresses he never remembers :P
This year however, his mother gave him a christmas present of a plane ticket to come visit in the summer. So I hopefully get two free-slots at home in 2019! Summer and Christmas!

I was really tired and wanted to go to bed when I started writing, but all these positive thoughts have envigorated me. So, now I feel better!
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on December 31, 2018, 11:46:44 AM
Meh,

Roomie was all happy yesterday, today he is grumpy and snappy. I'm even waking up at 2.30 in the morning to pick him up from work. I feel it is not justified his snippyness. Ruining my mood tbh.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on December 31, 2018, 02:31:54 PM
Hi Sceal - Just wanted to send you a supportive hug  :hug: - sorry to hear your roomie is in a grumpy and snappy mood - doesn't sound good. 
I'd like to wish you a Happy New Year - as you said it's here, pretty much.  Where I am, there is still many hours left before it happens, but like you say, in some parts of the World it's already 2019.  I hope your plans will come to fruition - and I hope you have lots of positive experiences to look forward to next year.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Three Roses on December 31, 2018, 06:54:26 PM
QuoteI hope your plans will come to fruition - and I hope you have lots of positive experiences to look forward to next year.
:yeahthat: :))
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on January 01, 2019, 05:10:11 PM
Thank you both.  :hug: I hope your new year's celebration was nice and kind to you.

I spend the day with my family, had dinner with them, played quiz and did some transfer-drawings. Saw the speech from the head of my country, and eventually drove home. Waited until I could pick up roomie at 3 am.
My body however was NOT happy yesterday. ache and pain everywhere.

I finished the end of the letter to Lady T, not the beginning. It was hard, it really was. I had a sickening feeling in my pit and core. but it's done. Now I have to write the intro, which will be fine. that's just thoughts and musings. I wonder though, if that is what has me out of commission. I don't feel sick, but I have no energy, I'm lathargic and in alot of pain. Primarilly in my lower back and hip. I've slept all day, I hope I get to sleep tonight.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on January 01, 2019, 07:55:56 PM
I've been laying around all day too.  I read your letter to lady T.  I can totally see that that could take a lot out of you.  Sending you healing vibes and love  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on January 01, 2019, 08:00:59 PM
oh no, the part that put me out, is not on this forum. It never will be.

I hope rest will make us be able to face tomorrow.  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 02, 2019, 02:00:45 PM
 :bighug:

your courage, strength, and determination are showing, sweetie.  love you.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on January 03, 2019, 06:40:23 PM
I'm so scared, so ashamed, so sad.  :spooked:

I know I am priviledged, I'm so F!"¤#"% lucky to get this change. I'm starting my first day at work tomorrow. And all I can do is freak out and cry.
I was asked today by Lady L, she had 5 minutes for me, what it was that I am so scared of. And I don't know what it is.
I have started up in new places and new work-spaces before. I've always been nervous. Same with starting various education years later than everyone else.
I mean, I have done this thing before. Being the new person, being the only new person. It was scary then too, but not like this. I don't think.  :dramaqueen:

1st of january I became bedridden. 2nd I had to try and force myself out to move, to try and walk the pain off. It helped. Heating packs helped calm the muscles. Today I'm just crying, and I'm shaking, and I'm all over the place. I hate this. It's supposed to be exciting! I've looked forward to this for the past 6 months, and it's actually here now and I'm falling apart.
My sister is being a star, she's so supportive. Why did I not see this before?

I've tried to be self-compassionate towards myself all day telling that it does hurt, it is scary, no wonder I'm all tensed up. I'm here for me, we can do this together. And all that stuff, but it's not having much of an effect today. But I suppose I shouldn't have expected miracles, I've just started doing this. And by just. I mean today.

I wish that I for once could just by sheer willpower turn off all emotions, so I can just go through the motions tomorrow.  :sadno:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: sanmagic7 on January 03, 2019, 09:02:23 PM
i hear ya, sweet sceal.  i'd like to turn those emotions off at times, too.  i'm there with you, if that helps.  right by your side.  breathe, breathe, it will be ok.  maybe not perfect, but that's not a bad thing.  you'll deal with it, cuz that's what you do.  sending love and  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Deep Blue on January 04, 2019, 12:07:22 AM
Oh sweet Sceal,
I know that feeling too.  I'm so glad your sister is able to help you and be supportive.  If I were with you irl I would do the same.

I wish I had more words now but I echo what San says.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 03, 2019, 09:02:23 PM
breathe, breathe, it will be ok.  maybe not perfect, but that's not a bad thing.  you'll deal with it, cuz that's what you do.  sending love and  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Sending you love and compassion  :hug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 04, 2019, 01:35:30 PM
Dear Sceal - sending you a warm and gentle hug  :hug: 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on January 04, 2019, 08:36:31 PM
i've been breathing, it never went into a panic attack, luckily. Perhaps because I kept breathing and talking kindly to myself.

Got up bright and early today, and by some strange miracle I actually fell asleep last night. I suspect it was because I've exhausted myself this week.
I was quite awake, first day in a long time where I woke up feeling awake, regardless I drank half an energy drink, ate part of my breakfast and headed out.
It's been raining all day. Not heavy, but constant. Enough to make you wet. Luckily enough no wind though. I got to town 1hour and 30 minutes early. I walked, well more like strolled extremely slowly towards the new job (it's a 20 min normal speed walk from the busstop). Tried to look in all the shops for something interessting, or any excuse to spend time. I was listening to soothing classical music, but ended up waiting for 45 minutes 60 meters away from the front door anyway. I called my sister and talked about other stuff to calm me down.

I had a pit in my stomach. I didn't know what to expect. But I went in anyway. It went fine, naturally it did. Why wouldn't it? They know I got c-ptsd, I told them in the application process. The main boss wasn't there today, so I talked with one of the other supervisors. She was very kind. We went through the contract, and the things I needed to know. I was shown around the area, I said hello to everyone present (wasn't alot of people today), although I don't remember their names. I was shown my desk and storage. And then I was free to go home.

I dallied in town for a while. Checking in with myself of what I wanted and needed. I decided I needed books. And I decided I needed a certain kind of books I only get in a particular store in town, which I'm terrified of going into - because I'm afraid I'll run into Her or Her son. Her son has never done me any harm, but he will report my whereabouts. But I decided my needs were greater than my fear, so I pushed past that though. I got three new books and ordered one.
Then I went to get supplies for work, I have to get them on my own accord and pay for them myself.  I hadn't prepared, because I wasn't certain if I was allowed to work on the project I wanted to. And I didn't want to get pricy supplies prior, incase I wasn't approved.

I got home, ate lunch, and rested for a few hours before making dinner. After dinner I've been unproducive watching bad movies. Wasn't even entertaining.
I just couldn't stop myself, I had no energy to do anything else. Just waiting for the clock to say "okay, you can go to bed now without ruining your schedule"

Which is where I am off to now, though first I will read a bit. Either in my new book, or continue in the one about self-compassion. It was dull at first, but it has warmed to me. But I'd like to read something utterly of pleasure without feeling guilty of having to finish the self-compassion book first.
My goal is to read 30 books this year. I've finished one.
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on January 04, 2019, 08:38:32 PM
I forgot to say thank you for all of your supporting thoughts and hugs! They have been, and always are important to me.

I feel a little guilty that I haven't been visiting your journals lately, or rather, that I haven't commented. I just find it difficult these days, and I've been trying to lessen my challenges prior to start-up of work.
I'm still terrified. Monday is the first full day, and then I will have to actually work, and actually socialize, and actually be present. For 8 hours.  :disappear:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on January 04, 2019, 09:16:00 PM
I'm starting a new journal as I'm embarking on a new stage in life
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Wattlebird on January 05, 2019, 07:07:02 AM
Go sceal !
Can't wait to see your progress, I believe you can have the life you want, and can't wait to cheer you on in good times and try to support you when your struggling.
:grouphug:
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 07, 2019, 08:27:30 PM
Hi Sceal,
I hope that today went ok for you.  I know you're going to start a new journal, so I wish you the best with that new one.  Embarking on a new stage in life.  I hope you'll enjoy it. 
Look forward to hearing how it is going.
:hug: to you, Sceal.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Sceal on January 08, 2019, 01:07:36 AM
 :bighug: to both of you.
Having the two of you in my corner makes me smile. Thank you ❤️
Title: Re: Sceal's new journal
Post by: Hope67 on January 12, 2019, 01:28:18 PM
 :bighug: - those big hugs are great.  Thank you.   :hug:
Hope  :)