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Development of CPTSD in Childhood => Causes => Physical Abuse => Topic started by: Elphanigh on April 20, 2018, 04:19:25 PM

Title: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Elphanigh on April 20, 2018, 04:19:25 PM
I am going to post here because I want to believe that my story is enough. That what happened is enough to warrant me claiming physical abuse as part of my past, and to be affected by it. I have always second guessed if my abuse was enough, if I had I thought bad enough to hurt and warrant all that I go through now. So I am posting with the courage I have to begin to accept that it is enough.

*trigger warning* physical abuse, both foo and not
I remember many times being afraid when my parents fought. Often times I would get punished for even being around when it happened. A lot of times that meant getting spanked so hard I could sit for hours. Others it meant getting threatened with spoons or switches... if I ever displayed too much fear or cried I was told to just calm down. If I couldn’t they gave me something to cry about.. my M never left a mark but I remember it hurting more than anything I had experienced. My parents often told me I had nothing to be afraid of but I had seen my dad punch holes in the wall and been stretched over my M’s lap for a good round of hits before I was even six..

From my other abusers (there were many) there were more violent incidents.. always new bruises and bumps that would be explained away. One of them shoved me so hard into a car door that it got a dent... simply because I wasn’t cooperating and it would make me shut up. That incident went much farther but the getting tossed into the side of a car is what is important here.. I was maybe 8 or 9 at most when that happened at its worst. It certainly wasn’t the only time it occured just the only dent that ever got left.

When I was 5 or 6 I got shoved into a bathroom counter and quite literally tossed onto the floor, then made to bleed because I wasn’t cooperating.  Because I just couldn’t do it right. By a completely separate abuser... she was an adult who said she loved me.

The more violent ones were the ones I didn’t want to survive. There are always the ones where pulling me by my hair, or covering my mouth so I could breathe were enough to make me want to black out. At very least I wished for someone to leave a mark in the wrong spot, or to leave one that couldn’t be anything but a hand print so no one could deny it. However, they were always explained away. The bruises and bumps were because I was clumsy and active. No one ever questioned it. Both sides were playing the other which meant no one noticed the abuse from the other side. But I got to suffer more for it.

I wished so much for someone to make a mistake, or for one person to notice that I wasn’t as clumsy as they claimed. I wanted someone to see the bruise on my arm or leg and not just let the explanation given be enough.

Now I was never black and blue. These were always just small marks, or big ones that hid. Ones that were just there to serve as a reminder as to what happened when people got angry, or when I was scared. They were there to remind me to be quiet and not mess up. I always felt like since they were so small and that it wasn’t always this violent that my experience wasn’t enough. But if I listened to anyone else say these things I would never question it being enough.

Not a day went by from the time I was 5 to about 13 that I wasn’t hit, screamed at, or raped. Normally a combination of all three occured every day. I would never tell anyone else that it wasn’t enough.

Okay sorry, for all of the trigger heavy stuff. I needed to be brave and post it in one spot. I have never posted in this board because I never wanted to no belong I guess..
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Three Roses on April 20, 2018, 04:42:34 PM
Dear El! The abuse you describe is much more than just "enough" to warrant you claiming physical abuse in your background. Whether marks were left or not. Hold your head high and know this: not only did they not defeat and break you, you're working to be a better person than any of them ever dreamed of. ❤❤❤
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Elphanigh on April 20, 2018, 04:49:08 PM
Thank you for validating this, and for the words of encouragement  :hug:❤ It feels good to be able to have someone recognize this and still have such faith in the person I am working to become. I felt like they had broken me the last two days, and wss ablw to finally post it fully because I feel more myself today. I can hear the words "they didn't break you" and accept them.

Thank you for all of that, and for reading the novel of a post

Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Kizzie on April 20, 2018, 07:21:23 PM
I thought to myself as I was reading your post - "What an amazing little spirit  to have survived all that." It was more than enough Elph, it was far too much for anyone let alone a child and yet they didn't break you, you refused to let them. Adult me wants to wrap younger you in a big warm safe hug and tell her she should never ever have gone through what she did, never. 

:hug:  :hug:   :hug: for little Elph for surviving and adult you who is forging ahead in recovery.
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Elphanigh on April 20, 2018, 07:33:35 PM
Little Elpha definitely felt that warm safe hug. I think she is going to stay there for a little bit  :hug: :hug: It is thr little 6 year old part of me that holds most of the feelinf towards these.

Thank you from both her and adult me who really needs that hug too  :hug:
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Kizzie on April 20, 2018, 08:43:04 PM
Happy to oblige  :bighug:
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Deep Blue on April 20, 2018, 08:49:18 PM
I still feel like I minimize the physical abuse too.  What you describe is clearly physical abuse.  You must have had a strong fire burning within you at a young age to be able to survive all that you describe. 

My abuse was mostly physical, emotional, and verbal.  I feel somewhat lucky that any sexual abuse was minor. 

I empathize with you about abusers leaving large marks where no one else could see.  My larger marks were all covered by clothing. 
Sorry you went through all that.  Sorry I canít hug you in person.  :hug:  sorry I canít say more to make the pain go away. 
Lots more love,
Deep Blue  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Elphanigh on April 20, 2018, 08:58:04 PM
Kizzie, I have re-read that several times and it still just brings my heart so much feeling.  You have no idea what it has meant to me.

Deep blue, I am sorry you experienced so much too. I was a very tough young child and motivated. I honedtly think the fact that ny sister's safety depended on mw gave me the strength ro gwt through it all. She was my purpose even when I was that small.

I am glsd you did not experience extensive sexual abuse, but know that you never need to minimize anything you went through.  sending hugs if that is okay  :hug:
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 21, 2018, 06:54:33 PM
dearest el, you never need to doubt yourself, not on this nor on anything else related to the abuse (whatever kind it was) and trauma you have gone thru.  i echo 3roses and kizzie in saying thank god for you, for your spirit, and for the fact that they couldn't break you. 

like i've said before, you have a light to shine that will be for the good of humankind in one way or another.  already you show that by being here, bearing witness to what you've gone thru, your mod duties, and just your warm, caring support for people you don't know who are in distress.

courageous, indeed.  thank you for getting it out, for sharing this with us, and for being you.  you are a marvel, a wondrous human being, so very precious to me in my own life.  thank you for being you.  love always, ems forever to embrace and warm you, hold you until the shaking stops, for you and all the little you's that may still be stricken. 
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Elphanigh on April 21, 2018, 08:42:37 PM
Thank you San for reminding me I never have to doubt.  :hug: :hug: It is nice to hear everyone echo such stuff about my spirit and ability to not break. I really hope that light shines through, right now I just feel like I am doing everything I can and feeling really dim in general.

I am glad that I can share here, it makes it easier to be courageous. Not sure I have ever been thanked so much for being me, it is something special about this place. Thank you for being such a giant part of that. I am so grateful for having you in my life. Lots of love ❤️

I will stay with ems today. Have had a good but stressful afternoon.. and all of this is still swirling some
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Blueberry on April 21, 2018, 10:24:26 PM
Elphanigh, I skimmed this. It's more than enough to count as physical abuse.  :bighug: :bighug: for Adult you and your Littles.

One of the terrible things about being abused (other than the obvious) seems to be our penchant for not believeing it was 'enough' especially in our own case. It was enough. Believe those symptoms of yours.
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Elphanigh on April 21, 2018, 11:29:38 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you Blueberry. Your kindness defintely made me tear up a bit. It is so hard to believe it sometimes... but you are right. I can trust the symptoms, and all of you kind people telling me it was more than enough
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 22, 2018, 12:50:33 PM
Hi Elpha. I want to wish the best for you now, you and little you.  :hug: It must be tough living through all that. Sorry, I didnít really read it as Iím in a place where Iím sensitive to strong triggers right now, but from what other people said about it, it must be terrible.

Weíre more likely to minimize our pain than believe that we deserve love and compassion, so take care of yourself, alright?

See you.
Title: Re: Part of my story *TW*
Post by: Elphanigh on April 22, 2018, 01:23:39 PM
Decimal, I am glad you are taking the self care of not fully reading it. It is great that you know not to do that when you are feeling a little more triggery. It is tough to learn not to push it sometimes.

Thank you for the wishes  :hug: both i and little Elpha really appreciate it.

It is definitely easy to minimize our own experiences, but I am trying to learn not to. Everyone here truly helps with that. I have had a weekend away from everything which has meant some great self care  :hug:

Take care of you too, Decimal  :hug:❤