Please note that this thread is a follow-on to Part 1 (http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9194.0). It is also an "open" thread which means you don't have to keep to the first post, you can just add in your own thoughts/issues with over/under eating and not worry about hijacking the thread.
I've tried to ask for help before in regards to the Unspecified eating disorder that I got. But everytime I ask someone who works with eating disorders, or with weight issues, or a doctor I end up feeling so alone and so not understood.
Perhaps I don't phrase my questions well enough for them to understand that it is a real problem for me and not something that "everyone does once in a while", or perhaps they are too hung up on things either being anorexic or bulemic and since I fit neither I feel that I'm not being understood or taken seriously enough.
Does anyone relate to this? Being in-between in regards to getting help with food?
Hi Sceal,
I do relate to what you said - my own personal relationship with food has been that I've binged on food and comfort ate - more often in the previous years - when I was in my 20's and 30's - I have got a lot better since being in my 40's and early 50's - but I still have a tendency to sometimes comfort eat to numb my feelings. Because I saw a documentary about bulimia and the negative effects on teeth and other things of vomiting, I am glad to say that I promised myself I wouldn't vomit up my food, and so I never did. But I do fear that if I'd not been put off vomiting, then I might have ended up with bulimia. Probably if I'd had 'bulimia' in a recognisable way then maybe I'd have been given some treatment to help and they might have seen the underlying factors - but as I've only been 'over-eating' and 'bingeing' - I've basically managed to keep under the radar in previous years.
I know you have been hoping for support with your eating, and I am so sorry that you've not been able to get the support from the people you've seen.
I appreciated what you said about other ways to cope with the over-eating - and I hope that you can find support with it.
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope.
I've been reading your reply quite a few times. :hug: I am glad your issues with food has gotten better than what it was. Although I wish you hadn't had to live through it. Bulimia and Anorexia does awful things to the body. It's good you managed to avoid damaging your teeth!
I will try the other coping mechanism, I just have to try and try again until I find something that works I suppose :) :hug:
I do think professionals are geared toward the extremes of over-under eating where things have become potentially life threatening. It's a little bit like emotional versus physical/sexual abuse - harder to see, grasp and ultimately treat.
I have done a bit of looking round in the clinical articles about trauma and over/under eating and do see calls for more research though so the link is being made. :thumbup: Here are a few examples:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4874765/
https://www.metabolismjournal.com/article/S0026-0495(14)00257-1/abstract
In the meantime, much like CPTSD I think we need to keep talking about these issues among ourselves as we are doing here. Also, pushing, asking questions of and even educating professionals to raise awareness about the co-morbidities we suffer from - all good :yes: Hopefully that will spark more research. treatment and services.
Thank you for being so dilligent and for sharing your research with us, kizzie!
It does seem it needs more research indeed. It's just shame research takes forever and a day. I hope they have started
For me, but I suspect for others too, over/under eating issues are tied up with body image and body shame. I was criticised and made fun of for being 'fat' as a child in my FOO though I wasn't fat. I didn't realise that till I looked with adult eyes at old photos and saw e.g. an 11 year old with long, lanky legs. How did FOO see fat there?? It seemed that the only thing of interest was not having fat children.
In some of my recovery I've been looking at what else my body can do, other than 'be fat' or not. i.e. what else is my body good for? i've thought about that again recently as I cycle my 14 km to work 1-2 times a week and then cycle same distance home again. I know full well there are plenty of skinny or normal weight people who wouldn't consider that for a moment, even if they could do it. And others couldn't do it. I'm quite strong. I'm not good at sprints and I don't go particularly fast, but I do have stamina. Strength and stamina - I've always had them actually. FOO just concentrated on 'fat' and never showed me my positive sides. I didn't recognise my calf muscles as muscles till I was 13 years old. I thought it was all fat. (Life was a bit better when I was 13 so I had some realisations).
I look back at pictures of me and have the same reaction - why on earth did I think I was fat? I love that you are trying to shift your focus to what is good and positive about your body BB :thumbup: I found more articles about trauma and eating issues - see attached. One in particular is about shifting thinking from weight loss to health at every size (HAES) which is in line with what you posted about BB - https://nutritionj.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1475-2891-10-9.
What the research says to me first and foremost is that we really must stop blaming and shaming ourselves and/or letting others do so. There is just a lot of evidence that trauma begets eating issues for a variety of reasons, not one of which has to do with us lacking willpower or being weak or anything related to character. :yes: Second, there is such a clear need for trauma informed professionals to help us with comorbidities such as this.
Thanks for the link, Kizzie :thumbup:
______________________
I'm doing some contract work of my more difficult type today. Done the easier stuff too. But the difficult type, well, hm... Not finished and I really want to eat. It is time I had another meal, but that's not quite what I'm craving. I'm craving particular items. I remember now often putting off doing my homework by eating. I used to feel ashamed of putting things off, of not immediately leaping into my homework only to realise that some children don't. It wasn't just me. I could have done with a parent at home to help me get settled with homework and do it. I've noticed since that some children need that.
Of course some had it far worse, you can always find people who had it even worse than you, but after school I got back to an unfriendly, often cold house, and in my memory it's dingy too. And certainly my room, in which I was doing homework in latter years, was really cold. Excuse for going into other part of the house: to get food or make myself hot drink. I could have done with a parent to provide a simple meal and some emotional warmth. There wasn't either, though M wasn't doing work outside the home at that point, she just wasn't there. In eating disorder therapy, we heard quite a lot of "What do you really need?" Too sad now to write what I needed then. I can imagine, but I don't want to go any further into it.
B1 would've been there most of the time too, with his physical aggression. I could've done with protection from him.
I am sorry you are sad BB :hug: No need to respond to this post, I just wanted to add some thoughts.
Quote"What do you really need?"
It's a great question,
the question I'd say. In my case I'd say simply "comfort and relief from pain." It was all I had at the time. I'm sure there are some fairly complex/sophisticated psychological and physiological interactions that take place between trauma and eating/not eating, but I do think it's that simple in the end.
What to do about it though? There doesn't seem to be a lot of data/discussion about this yet from what I can see (but I will continue to look around). I wonder if again the answer is something as simple (and complex) as reduce the pain, reduce the need to eat/not eat? :Idunno:
Thank you for continuing a thread where we can post about this stuff. I under eat or don't eat at all when I am stressed/triggered/etc.... This means I haven't eaten a full meal since Friday at lunch, it is now Tuesday. That is the better part of five days. I think part of me does it because when I am triggered into emotional flashbacks I am trying to be perfect so no one can find flaws. I find flaws in my weight, even though I am technically just above where healthy is for my height. I was underweight my entire life, naturally because of my metabolism, and then because of an eating disorder I developed late in high school.
Either way it is something that has always been attached to my trauma and I am finally willing to admit some of it.
I am sorry that is not more of a response to both of you, but reading the question "what do I need" really made me think through why it is I under eat
I think for me it's about feeling helpless, choosing what / when / how much to eat gives me a false sense of control over uncontrollable surroundings. It's also on a spectrum, it can be just eating one thing for 3 months at a time till I can't look at it anymore (I used to call these "food attacks". Once I vanilla ice cream and whipped cream for 3 months, another time it was only scrambled eggs with corn). On the extreme end I don't eat at all. Nowadays I struggle every day with the desire to just not eat anything. But my whole life I've had to watch my calories: I calculate how much I ate that day making sure it wasn't far too little.
I always under eat. I don't think I ever ate enough, except on extremely rare occasions when circumstances were nicer, then all of a sudden my body gained more weight and to my surprise, I found out it could. When abuse began all over again though I lost the extra weight right away and went back to my usual weight.
Part of the reason I probably dislike food is because meals were always such horrible times in my FOO. We'd all sit down and F would berate 1) the food, 2) the people. Usually me, because I was the stupid little kid who fought back and paid for it every single time. Siblings and M sat like statues, looking down at their food, saying nothing. Stupid me had to be baited every single time. Usually it was done by attacking one of them, I always fell for it.
He always snatched food off others' plates but with me he maybe enjoyed it even more because it wasn't just to take the food away from me, it was also an effective way to goad me into responding.
He wasn't beneath spitting or throwing up food back onto my plate and ordering me to eat it, either.
I guess food was linked to trauma. It stopped being just food and became a trigger.
There's also what stress itself does to appetite, maybe? Eating more/less as a result of chronic stress? But for me it's mostly a way to punish myself, not deserving anything good.
It's sad because it's one of the most basic ways to feel pleasure. What's more basic than enjoying food? That's how deep trauma goes, maybe. The most automatic, survival instincts are warped.
Quote from: Blueberry on May 15, 2018, 04:06:10 PM
"What do you really need?"
What I often need is rest and sleep. So eating is a futile effort to give my body more energy. Just for the record, I feel like succumbing to it now.
If it's taste I'm craving for some reason, sometimes putting perfume on close to my face so I can smell it helps. Smell being a similar sense to taste I suppose.
Hi ive binge ate since childhood. From what I gather food and the m and d relationship are so interlinked.
It balloooned into binge eating disorder on huge scales when I put alcohol down some yrs ago. I've had long abstinent periods over the past 3 yrs in a 12 step recovery programme
see * foodaddicts.org
However I am currently in relapse as I just don't want to face my life and my inner world ....
I used to be in OA, also a 12 Step group, but idk I go crazy now in 12 Step groups. I get triggered whatever one I go to (AA open, CODA, EA), so I don't go to them any more. I know they work for some people, but they don't for all. Glad they help you Boatssetsail :)
Hi blueberry
Yes they are a definate ground for trigger as is any social group / people environment. Generally I feel very safe and have my social contacts there to practice being a person amongst persons. I love feeling part of ..
it's the only place I learn how to be sober and abstinent and access my 'inner stuff' which is painful yet what I need to grow..
I understand ... 12 step is not a choosing for all and it's wonderful that in our societies we have so many options and supports .
Blessings
Here's an article by Sonia Connolly (very compassionate, articulate somatic practitioner and author) that I enjoyed on the topic of eating and body acceptance - http://traumahealed.com/articles/embody-hunger-embody-fullness/
Wow, that's a great article with lots of easy to implement ideas on looking at the issue. Thanks for finding and linking, Kizzie! :hug:
I really like Sonia's articles, she is such a compassionate person with lots of ideas on how to deal with various aspects of trauma in a positive way.
BB, I still think about what you said earlier in this thread about how you gained weight to fill up more space, to be more visible. It's not something I feel is at the root of my overeating, but I watch a show called My Big Fat Fabulous Life (https://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/my-big-fat-fabulous-life/) (US reality show) and the woman it follows often makes me think of what you said. I also think about Elphanigh she wants to take up less space and be less visible and so I think this may be an important aspect of eating issues to continue to explore.
I used not to want to exist and although I really ate quite a lot my body didn't seem to absorb the nutrients or energy much. I was diagnosed 'anorexic w/o significant weight loss'.
Maybe I'll look up that show, maybe not, as I can feel shame beginning to come. Feeling shame for taking up space.
Whitney the star of the show is unbashed in her support of living a joyous, positive life at any size so it may be a positive experience to look into the show I don't know. :Idunno:
She's funny and warm and honest and articulate. She's also a dance instructor and runs a class for plus size people so she is not letting her weight slow her down.
Anyway, when I think of you saying you wanted to take up more space, I think this may be true for her as well. She absolutely owns that space though and has this attitude of "I am who I am and if you don't like it, oh well" (in a humorous versus combative way which is why I like the show so much).
A thought-provoking series of articles about "unruly bodies" - https://medium.com/s/unrulybodies/the-body-is-unruly-15fa352904cf. Reassuring to me to know there are others out there having conversations about trauma, eating comorbidities, and what it means to be human. :thumbup:
An article from Psych Central about CPTSD and eating issues - https://psychcentral.com/lib/c-ptsd-and-eating-disorders/?li_source=LI&li_medium=popular17.
Today I thought to myself as I lay in bed "It's really time I stopped this body-spread". Then I remained in bed for a further few hours. When I'm in bed I'm "safe" from eating. Unfortunately I don't do anything constructive either. Today isn't a day when remaining in bed resting is necessary.
Ha! "It's really time" is a "should" statement so it's going to backfire. I would have to get to the point where i say "I want to stop this body-spread!" But that's not where I am. In fact, the brain fog is moving in rn so obviously time I left this topic and went off to get back in my physical body. Listen to and move to music a bit, maybe?
I think you are quite good at listening to yourself, Blueberry. Listening to the way you're talking to yourself. I agree with you that "should"-statements are rarely good for anything, and can more often than not be more damaging. At least, it's been so for me.
I've struggled with food lately. Ever since the funeral I've not had any energy to cook proper meals, so I've just had pre-made microwave stuff or pizza. I've been trying to figure out a schedule for myself - rather a what will be my second priority after therapy: Food? Excersise? Art? Because, I've come to realize that I really don't have the capacity for all of them. Despite having so much time on my hands! I am struggling with choosing to work with food - I really want to not care about it, just not focus on it at all. And somehow hope that magically by de-stressing about it it'll get fixed. Although, that's not how it works.
Quote from: Sceal on July 21, 2018, 08:13:08 PM
I think you are quite good at listening to yourself, Blueberry. Listening to the way you're talking to yourself.
Thank you :) It works particularly well on here which is one reason I'm such a prolific poster :whistling: :disappear:
_________________________
My final meal today consisted of cheese which is one of my comfort foods. Afterwards I wanted to keep going with anything containing sugar.
Instead I did manage to ask myself what was up. "Lonely" came the answer. Hm. It was a bit late to phone a friend though I did consider one particular friend. Then thought: "No." Because I didn't want to have to deal with anybody else's problems this evening or even anybody else yacketing on or trying to analyse me etc. Which all means I probably would have had to set limits. I didn't want to have to deal with anything like that on top of everything else today.
I went through with a seemingly unrelated EFT sentence "I love and accept myself even though I'm making progress". The lonely feeling disappeared immediately! A feeling of hurt came instead but that makes a lot more sense for today (because of FOO flying monkeys yesterday and a bunch of further realisations about FOO). It feels much better to access the real feeling, so that I take appropriate action for it. It wouldn't have helped to phone somebody so as not to feel lonely when the real feeling was hurt. Maybe there's some sort of loneliness in there, but if there is I'm sure it's to do with continued realisations that I have a FOO in name only. Hurt at the alone feeling of some Inners rather than Adult me. Not to be alleviated by chatting with somebody. Much better to write it on here. Thank Heaven for this forum - not for the first time.
Haven't posted here in a long while but I am noticing the mental draw to under eating again. I am a "good" size by a societal standard I think. 5'9" and under 150pnds which is in theory a healthy place for me. I grew up underweight because my metabolism was so fast. No matter how much or how little I ate my body never retained anymore until the last two years or so.
I can still eat pretty awfully without any big change (I do know I am lucky here but it has presented its own issues in my life)
However, I note the fact I can't look in a mirror and be happy anymore. Like the "womanly" weight I have put on as I am entering my mid 20s is unappealing and shameful. That I should still be thinner and more atheletic looking with less noticeable curves.
It tempts me to not eat as much, or to really limit my calories or junk food. Not in a healthy kind of way. I have been down thst road and I would drop the inches I feel like I need to but in a way that I would go back to forgetting to eat, or ignoring any time I feel hungry.
Trying to figure out why this is happening again is difficult. Honestly I think that I am working so hard to impress people at my new job, in my life in general, and even in the yoga studio sometimes because of my want to take the training course. I am focusing all of that need to be perfect or just right onto my poor body... so I can't accept compliments on my looks right now and only hear the voice in my head that tells me they sre just being nice...
Anyways. I needed to be honest about the fact I am struggling with these thoughts and figured this was a good thread to put it in. My figure was too much a part of my perfectionism, and too much a part of my abuse that these things happen still.
Quote from: Blueberry on May 12, 2018, 10:47:48 PM
In some of my recovery I've been looking at what else my body can do, other than 'be fat' or not. i.e. what else is my body good for? i've thought about that again recently as I cycle my 14 km to work 1-2 times a week and then cycle same distance home again.
Problems I'm having with cycling i.e. numbness may become the tipping point for me. I had an ergonomics saddle appointment at a bike shop recently and the results made sense. The new saddle I have should ease up on the numbness problems but it hasn't. It has improved the feeling of my lower vertebrae being compressed :thumbup: :) but that I hadn't even mentioned to the saddle expert. And it has also got rid of another small physical problem I did mention :thumbup: I can go back to the shop again and try out another saddle and I will undoubtedly. But I also did some research yesterday and one article did mention body weight pushing down on certain body parts being a contributory factor. That would explain the problem steadily getting worse over the past few years... and not originally being there or not noticeable anyway when I first bought my current bike. I think the feeling of my lower vertebrae being compressed might have been there from the beginning. But with the numbness I wasn't even noticing that anymore, just its absence now.
Yeah well, this could be the tipping point that 1) no 'dire warnings' from FOO in the past or in the media now ("you'll get diabetes", "you'll have a heart attack"...) or 2) shaming from FOO or society at large could do. Because I know I have to really
want to get my weight and over-eating and eating non-nutritionally under control
for myself. Even 'wanting' to remain physically fit enough to keep up with my godson when hiking, especially uphill, or just general running around wasn't enough. I realise now that that is because that so-called want was actually a 'should' and based on feeling shame about not being able to keep up.
But now it's different. I've cycled almost all my life, it's not something I can even
imagine not doing. Not only do I enjoy it (when not numb) but it's also my main way of getting around. I really don't want to have to go everywhere by bus. It's easier on the uphills, but it's not particularly enjoyable. I don't drive and that's not going to change for a myriad of reasons. Cycling is almost part of my soul. So yeah, could be tipping point.
Hey Sceal and Elph - how are you both managing now?
BB, sorry to hear about the numbness issue :hug: What about one of those recumbent bikes if a standard one does become out of the question for you?
We are still under evacuation alert from two wild fires burning near us (five weeks now), and a couple of days ago one moved quite close - put on quite the show for the village for three nights. My H was away the first night we started seeing the fire move closer (ironically he was deployed to the emergency ops centre for the province that deals with wild fires). Anyway, being alone did not help obviously and right away I started having really strong cravings for salty and sugary snacks which says a lot about stress, anxiety, trauma, the need for comfort/numbing and eating issues. We really do need to understand why we have eating issues, be kinder to ourselves and work on relieving/dealing with the trauma. :yes:
Hi Kizzie,
I have been eating a bit better lately. Still struggling with eating as often as I should, but as long as it is relatively healthy my inner voices aren't telling me I shouldn't. It does mean my cravings for junk food have been met with some harsh lashing from the other side. It makes this really difficult back and forth in my head. I am also trying to spend less time in the mirror, because I have been body shaming every time I see it no matter what type of clothes I am wearing. Think this is part of my "not good enough" narrative again. I am supposed to be digging into it some soon, so we will see if maybe it helps me shift this. For now I am decent at ensuring I work past these thoughts to eat properly
Good job Elph for patiently (and sometimes I'm sure not so patiently) working past/through/around your ICr tirades :thumbup:
I have been struggling so long with food as comfort/numbing without much success which is one reason I am headed back to therapy. It has gotten way worse since Trump came into power so I need to deal with it. I am hoping EMDR will help with moving the trauma to a distance so I am not as 'driven' (which is what it feels like) to overeat. I feel like it will allow me to find other sources of comfort and reduce the need to numb when I am stressed.
I hope your therapy/EMDR helps you shift that "not good enough" core belief :yes:
Thanks Kizzie, i got some sushi today (my favorite food if I had to pick one) and got to enjoy it without any Icr thoughts. It was wonderful. Also went swimming and was kind to myself when the thought shappened. Today is a patient day, but you are definitely right there are some days where it is not so patient at all. I am hopeful my emdr will help the core belief as well. It has done a chunk for it, but I recognize I have a long ways to go.
I hope your emdr can help with this as well. Trump has made such an impact everywhere it is no wonder you are struggling with this.
Also thank you for elaborating on how it feels to overeat, I appreciate the bit of insight. It is a similar feeling for under eating, am intrigued by how similar the two habits can be as far as underlying causes/feelings that drive them.
Quotei got some sushi today (my favorite food if I had to pick one) and got to enjoy it without any Icr thoughts. It was wonderful. Also went swimming and was kind to myself when the thought shappened. Today is a patient day
:cheer: :applause: :thumbup:
Thank you for always celebrating the small victories Kizzie :hug: ;D
Quote from: Kizzie on August 24, 2018, 06:46:43 PM
We are still under evacuation alert from two wild fires burning near us (five weeks now), and a couple of days ago one moved quite close - put on quite the show for the village for three nights. My H was away the first night we started seeing the fire move closer (ironically he was deployed to the emergency ops centre for the province that deals with wild fires). Anyway, being alone did not help obviously and right away I started having really strong cravings for salty and sugary snacks which says a lot about stress, anxiety, trauma, the need for comfort/numbing and eating issues.
Kizzie, rather belatedly I'd like to say I'm sorry you're still under so much stress with the wildfires and sorry also that that really upped your cravings when your H had to go away as the fire moved closer. (I'm really lucky in that it is not burning in my part of Europe, dry - yes. Even way too dry, but fire - no.)
Quote from: Blueberry on August 24, 2018, 11:12:48 AM
Problems I'm having with cycling i.e. numbness may become the tipping point for me.
I regret to say that it's already turned into "tipping point" in theory only, not practice. Either I'm so 'practised' in a bad way at turning to non-nutritious food or too much food of any type for all sorts of reasons or it really is a trauma thing I can't break through on my own, or a combo of the two.
With all this talk of EMDR on the forum, I'm even wondering if I might ask my T if he could envisage it now for me esp. with this eating problem. My eating disorder spiralled out of control at Horrendous FOO Event no. 1 where I was really badly dissociated and remained switching in and out of reality for about 3 weeks. In the early stages of all that, I was eating whole plate-loads, sometimes not even with a knife and fork. There was no Adult really present or available in me to direct things in a healthier way. It also seemed from the brief flashes of memory that I have of this time that eating was almost an instinctual or at least very basic activity for staying alive, for pulling through. On the face of it, I wasn't in any kind of physical danger or danger of starvation. Emotional 'danger' with all the flashbacks and drifting in and out of reality - that yes.
The other problem I have in general with my various addictions - even my form of SH is somewhat addictive/compulsive - is that I can maybe sort of get one under control in a 'white-knuckled abstinence' kind of way, but then I tend to implement the other more. With eating, if I cut out sugar, I want more fat and vice versa. I know there's a term for that but I can't remember it any language rn.
This evening I had a healthy tasty meal with lots of organic vegetables, both raw and cooked. :)
'white-knuckled abstinence' is a perfect way to describe how I feel too BB. That's how every attempt to lose weight has been for me - a teeth gritting affair with younger me screaming and crying in the background the whole time until I tire and give in. I constantly hear her yelling "No way am I giving up this one little bit of comfort I have, I have already lost way too much!"
I managed to help her with doctors and dentists and other things she was afraid of, but this one is so persistent I'm just not sure what to do. It's obviously a really deep core issue. I gained so much weight since Trump got into power and then with the fire situation recently and the need for snacks having gone way up I realized it's something that runs very deep and is closely connected to my trauma. Perhaps because eating is so closely related to our very survival and thus deep in the primal parts of the brain, it's just not easy to get at and deal with. :Idunno: Whatever the case I just need a helping hand.
I hope EMDR helps, we'll see. In any event I'll be sure and post here about how it goes for me.
So bit of a step back tonight, but I am am writing here in hopes that it is not a bigger step back. I was somewhere I had access to a scale, didn't use it for multiple hours, but did eventually. Seeing the number 160 bothers me or my core. Even though I know it truly shouldn't. I am tall and have a lot of muscle especially in my legs from all that I do, and it is technically a healthy weight for me even without being muscular. However, I just get the instant want to drop twenty bounds reaction. Then the guilt for eating like I have this week, including the homemade ice cream I had at my friends tonight...
I could have healthier habits, but I also don't truly need to lose twenty pounds either. I find that developing good habits more intentionally has led to an obsessive kind of diet, or just more body negativity so I don't eat or eat very little. Like trying to help the problem makes it worse.
Perfectionism has been a huge thing this week, so my body image issues has been awfully high anyways.... this just kind of made them worse. As did talking to my M and D last night over skype. *sigh*
I have yoga tomorrow morning, and will make a point to ensure I eat something sufficient before going to do that, even if the inner critic hates it,
Thanks for letting me share here.
Wishing you well and wishing you body acceptance, Elpha. These eating issues are a downer.
Thank you, Blueberry :hug: My hour and a half vinyasa class was helpful. Seeing how much my body can do and is capable of reminds me to be a little more kind to it.
I brought up my eating issues in T today. I have homework on them. Basically mindfulness and write it down so that we can find a few underlying topics and maybe do EMDR or brainspotting on them. Although I have kept this kind of log in the past, I can tell that this one is going to be a bit different. My task is to observe, not berate myself or tell myself I "should" be doing something different. No, first observe and note. And then next time in T we'll see where we can go with this.
Way to go Blueberry! :cheer: that's a tough thing to do. I really hope it helps. Let us know how it goes :)
I will be really interested to hear how this unfolds BB :yes:
I'm noticing the effect already in a good way. T said I would. At least he said doing this would lead to a change all by itself before we get onto EMDR or brainspotting.
Mindfulness is strenuous for me. I feel it's just as well there's not much else going on this week. Mindfulness on all food topics. That includes food-shopping, preparation and how I feel after the meal as well as immediately before and during. There are memories coming up, not huge ones so far. Just as well I can now observe a memory without diving in and overwhelming myself. Just allow it to drift by, I note it, and the mindfulness continues.
That is really positive and sounds like such huge progress. ;D :cheer: :hug:
Thanks Elpha! :) One of the really positive things about it is that it's different from anyway I have previously work on eating issues. I don't think my present T lists eating disorders as one of his specialisations. I know in addition to cptsd, he does anxiety, but as I say I don't think eating disorders. But it seems not to matter. He's worked with me long enough to know how to approach the topic with me in a way that can help.
Today I decided to weigh myself to have on record what that is at the beginning of this mindfulness. I hadn't weighed myself for a long time and was estimating my weight before I hopped on the scales. My weight has remained constant. I can't believe it but it's true. The estimate I made is over 20 kg too much :stars: I'm definitely rounder than last time I weighed myself, no question about that, but no change in weight. I feel happy about this.
Last night I ate things I shouldn't have and in a quantity I shouldn't have either. I didn't write about it (my T homework) though I "should have". I know my T will take a detached slightly intrigued view of the matter and none of what I heard in the past like "What could you have done to prevent yourself doing this relapse?" Because the answer to that is "I did it on purpose. I didn't want to prevent myself at the time." Self-sabotaging. Undoubtedly some relapsing because of my taking steps forward with FOO. It was very daring of me to confront enF and set a limit. It will come across to him as criticism which he won't take kindly to. My FOO doesn't 'do' criticism, except of others of course.
I do have some food allergies but I didn't eat any allergens. Still my body came over all itchy all of a sudden as if I was having an allergic reaction. Allergic to FOO? Recently in therapy I had a more severe allergic reaction in my throat and mouth when we were working on something to do with M. I mentioned to my T that I seemed to be allergic to her. (My food allergies are affected by how stable I am. I didn't have them as a child and they do seem to be part of my eating disorder in that they are psychosomatic symptoms.)
Allergic to FOO, yup that sounds about right - sorry to hear that's one of your reactions BB. :hug:
It just reiterates for me how deeply embedded trauma is in the whole of our being and why it's so difficult to rise up out of that (i.e., when even our bodies keep fighting to prevent us from seeing/feeling the difficult truths).
Maybe you chose to eat because you needed comfort and (like me) haven't quite figured out how to give/find that for yourself in other ways? It is a BIG issue you're are tackling afterall. :yes:
Lady T told me last week that when as a child you're not being taken seriously, or being listened to and comforted when you fall, when you hurt, when you're in pain either physically, emotionally, socially or all of them mixed together, then the child will lack in knowledge of how to comfort him or herself, or learn how to deal with emotions in a constructive and helpful manner.
could perhaps this be some of the reason why you (we?) eat for comfort, because, like Kizzie says, haven't figured out how else to get it?
I guess so Sceal and Kizzie. BUT I have done a lot of work in the past on finding other ways to get comfort including giving comfort to Inner Children or doing things for them. I just want to avoid that all atm, just run :rundog:
You're right Kizzie, it is a BIG issue I'm onto now. I think actually that I'm not doing too badly in general considering.
Re: eating issues - my T isn't judgemental so I could write down what I felt and didn't feel while eating things I shouldn't have even bought in quantities that weren't beneficial either. It's a chance to really look at the issue when it's there, rather than when I was being 'good' and mindful and so on. Because I know those phases don't last. I always end up back in my addiction.
Tomorrow I got an appointment with the local center for eating disorder. My first meeting with them.
I'm very proud that I managed to take the step and contact them, it's taken me about a year daring to (I only found out about them a year ago I think).
But now that I'm having such major therapy-hangovers I am hoping this wont just continue to put more sadness, guilt and fear into me.
Hey Sceal, you took the step of contacting them :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
As for therapy-hangover, you're not alone with that. I find it's been a delicate balance for years on moving forward but not burdening myself with too much, not allowing too much stuff to come up. :hug: :hug:
You should be proud Sceal, I hope it goes well :hug:
Thank you both for the support! I know you know this stuff is hard :hug:
Sceal that is a great step! I really hope it helps :hug:
I have fallen back into not eating the last two days. I might have had like 500 calories in the last 48 hours and they were not healthy ones. That being said I have dinner sitting in front of me and am slowly working on it.
I forget to eat or food sounds repulsive a lot of times. Any sort of trigger really digs up my old eating problems and makes them my reality again. Not as extreme but it exists. I am trying to be better but it is hard. I think part of it is a control thing. In the chaos food and my body is something I can control when the rest of me feels like I can't stop spinning.
Probably also a self hate thing. It is a punishment of sorts for failing to be stronger or failing to be healthy. Like I failed to cut this trigger short before it happened, and I am angry and upset at myself so food automatically is something that stops happening in my life.
Hope all this makes sense. I just needed to be honest about the issue and that I am trying to get better
makes sense to me. I also understand the need to be honest and document it somewhere.
It's the same for me, I've jsut been documenting other stuff. My eating habits are none too good atm either. I just go the other way these days and eat too much and not much is healthy. Though I have some more fur babies to stay and that helps me eat healthily.
Blueberry, I am glad you understand the need to document it somewhere. Being honest about it is cleansing in its own way. Both sides of this coin are difficult but I know we will manage. So glad to hear you have more fur babies to stay with you. I am also so grateful for my own fur babies.
I'm not doing my T homework on eating disorder. I am doing better today, but I have the feeling that one little bit of forcing myself to do anything and everything's going to come tumbling down. I know a number of months ago I felt I would'nt be able to look at eating disorder without being in inpatient T. Maybe it is too early? Or maybe in a few days I'll be back at my homework. I have just under 10 days till next T appointment.
Yesterday and today I've been back writing about my emotions around eating. I also had a bit of a breakthrough, realising exactly which inner child is reacting in a particular situation. I worked with her directly which translates into being very mindful while eating a small amount, seeing how she reacted and acting accordingly, which meant stop eating that item.
After discussing with self in writing, I even threw it out but then IC was not happy. The reason: she wanted to be involved in throwing it out. So this means I need to be very mindful and very present in my own body as I go through steps so that I can involve an IC. It's as if IC needs to feel it in her body too, viscerally, and for that I need to be very aware and picturing IC in my mind, picturing her reactions and asking for her input. I know it sounds weird, but it's just a tool to healing. I'm not splitting up into separate parts or anything.
Mindfulness is key and I may need to repeat the procedure with a few different foodstuffs I tend to crave.
An interesting revelation today: the impulse was to buy some addictive food this evening. Had I bought something, I would've eaten it too but the underlying issue: buying. I didn't care what - sweet, salty whatever.
I refrained from buying, so I then didn't eat a bunch of junk either.
Yay BB :cheer: I think when something is as deeply embedded in us as eating/not eating as a response to trauma we need to celebrate any positive changes and not shame ourselves when we engage in old ones.
My H and I just joined WW online and honestly that's about all we've done so far but it's a small step and that's OK. I know from my reaction that I really am afraid of losing a big source of comfort, but I also want to be healthier, feel better and not be tied to this trauma response for the rest of my life.
QuoteMy H and I just joined WW online and honestly that's about all we've done so far but it's a small step and that's OK.
:cheer:
Tks TR! (Now we just have to get going in the program ;D)
Haven't been here in a while. After my trip with my family, I am back on my feel like I need to lose weight kick. I am never happy with my weight but normally I have the desire to lose weight/be smaller etc.. under better wraps. My need to do so is making all food sound awful, and the thought of eating any junk food whatsoever a bad one..
I know that can sound like a good problem to have, I have had many people minimize it in my life. However, it leads down a long spiral of not eating, and obsessively exercising/ weighing myself.
My family is all over weight, with very few exceptions on both sides. Me and my B are the most obvious exceptions.. Part of that is my life style, and part of it is truly not wanting to be like my family. It drove a lot of my eating disorder when I was younger. It was something I could control, and one more thing that kept me from growing up to be my parents... Was my way of making sure I was not part of their dysfunction.
So seeing them has spiked this in me. I am by all standards healthy, a size 6 or 7, that weighs a normal amount for my tall ish height. I exercise during the week, eat healthy food, and don't binge eat. So I should be happy, and should not want to lose weight... but seeing my family.. knowing I have put on weight since I left college and that even this little bit brings me closer to them is hard.
I worked hard today to eat a bowl of soup for lunch. Otherwise I haven't had anything and needed to come here to remind myself to be accountable to this. No one else will or can be for me.
Oh dear Elph, family for us can be so triggering can't they!? :hug:
I realized when I was reading your post how much shame and fear I too have about becoming like my family, more though in terms of personality and character, but it has driven me to basically do the opposite of whatever they do so I can say to myself "I am NOT like them!"
What I am discovering is I really am not like them and will not ever become them. Perhaps if you post about how you are not like them maybe that will begin to stem some of your fear and in turn reduce the need to forego food? Just a thought FWIW.
:hug:
Kizzie, family really can be :fallingbricks:
I am glad I am not the only one, I have spent a lot of my life doing things the opposite of them. In character as well, this physical aspect also helped for me at that time to separate further. I did write in my journal this morning some stuff regarding how my M contributed to my eating disorder, including forcing me to drink chicken broth when she didn't believe I was eating or was lying to her about how much I ate.. (that was pre my ed getting bad)...
I think you are correct about posting how I am not like my family. It might help. Will put a little here and then work on it in my journal or elsewhere.
I am more open minded and truly kind than my FOO. I am self aware, and observant which is the opposite of them. I know how to feel my anger and not lash out in a toxic way. I am not manipulative of self centered like them. I do genuinely care for others regardless of what that does for me. I care for the sake of caring. I have worked on my traumas and work to better myself every day, they don't do that.
QuoteI am more open minded and truly kind than my FOO. I am self aware, and observant which is the opposite of them. I know how to feel my anger and not lash out in a toxic way. I am not manipulative of self centered like them. I do genuinely care for others regardless of what that does for me. I care for the sake of caring. I have worked on my traumas and work to better myself every day, they don't do that.
So lovely to read this Elph :hug: and :thumbup:
Thanks Kizzie :hug: :hug: I need to write this down and put it somewhere I can read it every day as a reminder to myself.
Good idea! Maybe print it out in a bigger font than normal too ;D
We're onto Page 5 again so I'm going to lock this and start a Part 3.