I decided when my first journal reached 30 pages, that I'd start a new one, and here it is. I'm calling it 'Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts' because I am currently highly influenced by a book that WhoBuddy recommended to me, which is by Janina Fisher and is about Befriending Parts that are fragmented and hurt, and I relate so much to the book - and think it is the key for me to move forward and hopefully make some progress.
So, for the start of this Journal, I am going to highlight some of my aims, which are basically notes I've taken from Janina's book, and are as follows:
I hope to:
* Develop and form internal attachments relationships to my young selves
*Be mindful of conflicts, ambivalence, or confusion = manifestations of struggles between parts
*Build empathy and attunement to the parts
*Overcome self-alienation
*Mindfully scan my body and feeling states for the communications from my fragmented selves
*Adopt or come to love the hurt, lost and lonely parts
*Develop self-compassion and awareness
*Befriend my parts and earn their trust
*Try to develop the following qualities as antidotes to the painful experiences suffered by exiled child parts: Curiosity; Clarity; Creativity; Calm; Courage; Confidence; and Commitment.
* Aim to help my adult self to grow those 'C' qualities listed above, to help the child parts learn to turn to a 'self-led' wise adult self who can reassure their fears and loneliness.
I am also noting the following from the book, as helpful:
"Traumatic events - encoded as implicit emotional and physical states, rather than encoded iin the form of chronological narrative. Disowning the "not me" or trauma-related parts and the ability to function without awareness of having been traumatized. Assume that all distressing thoughts, feelings and body responses are communications from trauma-related parts".
Tip: Notice the parts' distressing emotions and unsafe impulses and regulate them, rather than react to them.
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Journal Entry for 12th May 2018
So I've started my new journal, having decided on the title, and written a few key points at the start, to remind me of my aims and hopes. It feels good to have done that, and I feel like I have already begun to make some progress on this process - but I know I've got a long way to go. But at least I feel I have some structure and some aims, and I also know that the people in this forum, with whom I've grown to feel some compassion with, and some empathy and understanding, will be alongside - and I hope that I can also be as helpful to them as they have been to me. To think how hesitant and how long it was before I could even write something in this forum when I first joined it - I was scared - very scared. But my confidence has grown and I've managed to quieten my inner critic to allow myself to write much more - and now write fairly regularly - because it is so beneficial to do that.
If you're reading this, and wondering whether to write anything yourself - and haven't yet felt brave enough to, then I would say, try it - because people are so kind, and they really do understand. There is true compassion and kindness here.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 13th May 2018
I had to come here to write about this, as it has made me feel very queasy and uncomfortable - like there's a horrible amount of 'angst' inside.
***Some trigger warnings regarding mentioning coercion to eat and abusive stuff
I was reading Torey Hayden's book "The Silent Boy" and I've got to p.89 and the boy (Kevin), who had finally begun to talk to Torey, admitted that his father used to force-feed him on oatmeal that was actually mouldy as it had been kept back for days. The thing is that my sister told me that our parents used to make her eat food - and that they would force-feed her from a large bowl, with food that she'd refused to eat earlier in the week, and which they apparently kept in that bowl, all cold and congealed and awful. Hearing the boy, Kevin, talk about this, and thinking about how my sister must have felt to be facing this kind of abuse - it has really raised my emotional awareness of what she must have gone through. I don't remember them doing this to me, but I know that I was always careful to try to do the 'right thing' - so maybe I didn't upset them in that way, because I was just too frightened to have a similar fate to my sister.
Like the 'Silent Boy' - my sister was also electively mute - choosing not to talk to our parents, and she averted her eyes - I do have a memory of them talking about her and saying how she looked away from them, and that it was a sign she was lying. Not telling them the truth.
This is a very sketchy memory, and I don't know how old I was, but I never saw her after the age of 8 years, and I don't think I saw her after the age of 6 years - for any length of time. So I was quite small.
She told me that she was quite anorexic, very very underweight - when she was a teenager. I have been feeling some very strong and queasy feelings - I guess reading that part of the book has awakened my ability to feel some things in relation to that. It's a very visceral feeling. I wanted to write about it - get it out.
I don't know how I feel.
I'll stop writing for now.
Hope :)
i think that when those feelings come to us at such a visceral level that they're not always readily available to be recognized right away. when you're ready, i have no doubt they'll make themselves known.
i know you've already begun this process, hope, and you've been doing a really good job of it, from what i can tell. congrats to you. that mindfulness stuff has been something that's been very helpful for me with all this. engaging my mind, connecting it to where i need it to go, and experiencing what's there has been so new to me on so many levels, but i like it. it makes me feel like i know myself a bit more clearly and intimately.
well done, sweetie. i give you all kinds of credit for starting afresh. another path to explore, more discoveries to make. love and hugs to you, hope.
Hi SanMagic,
I am glad to hear that the mindfulness stuff has been helpful to you - and that you know yourself a bit more clearly and intimately - and I hope to do the same - over time, and get to know myself, and also my inner children and wounded/fragmented parts - it's a learning process, but it's a good one.
I like what you write in terms of saying 'another path to explore, more discoveries to make' - it sounds like an Adventure that way, and I am going to view it as such.
Thank you for the love and hugs, and sending you a warm and loving hug back :hug:
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Journal entry on 14th May 2018
This morning I attended an appointment with a specialist, and I had been worried about it - not knowing whether I'd cope - whether I'd cry - whether I'd stay calm or not. My partner gave me a lift there, and then dropped me off, as he was off to his work. So I went in to see the specialist by myself. He was nice. Made it easy for me to talk to him. I was relieved. I had some test results which he shared with me, and I am relieved that all was fine. I am very relieved as I had been worried.
So, here I am this afternoon, and I'm just feeling a sense of calm - just to know I'm ok.
I'd been dreaming a lot last night, but I can't remember the content of the dreams now.
I re-read some of my first Journal the other day - and I was struck by some things I'd written there - especially something that John Bradshaw had written in his book - where I think he said that it was important to do the 'feeling kind of work' - rather than intellectualise about things, and I think he mentioned that if there were 2 doors available labelled as 'Heaven' and 'Lecture on Heaven' - he said most people with C-PTSD would line up outside the second door - to hear the lecture on heaven. I can see myself in that, I would choose that door too... I'd want to read about it, learn about it, study it - rather than 'experience' it. I need to 'experience' things more - truely feel them - be more mindful and in the moment. That's what I need to do - to feel both the positives of life and also the more emotional things too - because unless I can feel them, I won't be living. Not in any authentic way. That's how I feel.
I'm keen to try doing some Meditation daily - the Meditation circle that Janina introduced me to - to meet my fragmented and wounded parts - the inner children - I did it yesterday, and I wrote a few notes in a diary - just noticing what thoughts, images and feelings came up. It was a good experience and it was interesting. I will share some themes in this diary - when I am more sure of them - currently it's typically fragmented and not necessarily making sense to me, but I am sure it will become easier and hopefully make more sense to me.
Hope :)
I'm back to write a little more - it's still 14th May - and I'm feeling 'guilty' right now. I was going to support my partner in a visit to see one of his family members in hospital, and I just didn't feel up to going there with him. So I haven't. But now he's gone - and I feel guilty for not feeling strong enough to be there - but the situation is quite a triggering one for me, and I've been doing my best to cope with visits over the past couple of weeks - as and when I'm able to - but today - I just felt I couldn't do it. I rarely say 'No' to things, particularly if I feel that my partner needs my support - I like to be there for him. I guess that's why I feel bad about letting him down today.
Although he was fine about it, and said it was fine that I wasn't going.
I'm feeling anxious now - I had been enjoying a sense of calm after finding out that my test results were ok this morning - and I liked that feeling of 'calm' - but anxiety has made its way into my psyche just now - and guilt. Anxiety and Guilt.
But why? Why should I be anxious and guilty when I have chosen NOT to visit someone - this ONE time - actually I feel annoyed with myself for allowing myself to end up feeling this way.
I think it's because 'I made a decision that met my needs' - i.e. I chose not to visit, as I felt it was 'too much' for me today - and yet now I'm beating myself up about it - like the inner critic is hammering on my door, and telling me I'm pathetic - why can't I just suck it up, and get over myself... Do the visit - do your duty...
I'm tempted to binge - I reached for some cheese - but thankfully I only cut a fairly small piece. I won't eat anymore.
I also wrote some things in other parts of the forum today - and ended up feeling a bit embarrassed by the fact I'd written them. But they're out there, and I'll leave them there.
Anyway, it is what it is...
Hope :)
I think I was definitely in an EF, in relation to feeling the guilt about not making that visit with my partner today - it was like I felt like a naughty child, and that I'd done something really bad. I wanted to binge and take the guilt away.
Thankfully I feel much better now, and can look back on the feelings and realise they were more of an EF than anything else. I am relieved.
I have a right to choose to make certain decisions, and today I looked after my own well-being - choosing to do something I wanted to do. I think it's a pity I wasn't able to then savour the time I had available - but ended up giving in to my inner critic - but it's a learning curve - each and every moment, and each and every day. Moment by moment.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 15th May 2018
Just about to write in my diary, and then another unexpected thing - so I'll have to stop and hopefully write later.
Hope :)
Back again, after sorting out an unexpected event - I feel like I'm being 'tested' this week - but thankfully I've managed to cope - so far so good. But I feel very tired now! Hopefully I'll get an early night tonight - and hopefully sleep. I had some dreams recently, but thankfully no 'night terrors' - I've not had one of those for a while now, so that's a positive thing.
Now that I'm back here, I can't think of anything to write - so maybe that's because I'm tired. I think I'll try to watch something pleasant and 'easy to watch' on TV - and then have an early night.
Hope :)
wow, hope, what a lot you have gone thru in the past couple of days. i'm so impressed with how you figured out that it was ok to take care of your needs first. that's tremendous. and stopping that urge to binge in its tracks. well done, sweetie!
i thought that bradshaw thing was interesting. i have to admit, when i first read it, i immediately wanted to go thru the first door, didn't even cross my mind to learn about it first. that may be because i've experienced what i believe is heaven several times in my life, and it's really all good - better than good, actually. so, i have no desire to hear a lecture on it. i'd just want in.
different for different people, as always. keep on keepin' on, hope. i think you're doing great. love and hugs to you.
Hope,
I often read your journals but do not post. In this case, I just wanted to pop in and say what an amazing job I think you are doing. Putting yourself first can be so hard. Yes the inner critic wants to beat us up over it, but the inner critic is wrong. Way to take care of Hope.
Much love,
Deep Blue
Hi SanMagic - Thanks so much for your lovely reply, and I am happy to hear you'd take the first door of the Bradshaw example and explore Heaven straight away - it's great that you've experienced what you believe is Heaven several times in your life - that sounds a wonderful experience. I have to admit, I would be listening to the lecture on it first though - just incase their idea of 'heaven' is something different... lol Maybe I am just very cautious! Love and hugs to you - and I appreciate your kindness.
Hi Deep Blue - Thank you so much for popping in today and commenting in such a lovely way - I have also read some of your posts too - and I have related to what you've said - so it's nice to connect and I appreciate what you said about the inner critic - and I'm trying to build relationships with all my fragmented and wounded parts now, including the inner critics - because they have served their purposes over the years - and I don't listen to mine as much these days - or at least I try not to - but at the same time, I'm getting into more of a dialogue with it/them - as that helps me to work out why they/it are saying things, and where it comes from. Seems a bit of a minefield sometimes, but I do think it's getting easier - sometimes. Much love to you too, Deep Blue - and I really like your name.
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Journal Entry on 17th May 2018
I wasn't able to come here to write yesterday - even though I wanted to - but I was experiencing quite a bad EF for most of the day - I can't even bring myself to write about the circumstances, as I don't want to end up wiping out the whole of today as well - so I'm going to try to keep focused on what I need to do today, rather than reflecting any further on the events of yesterday. The positives are that I am managing to cope, and I feel sure things will get better - so that's a 'hopeful thought' - and I'm holding on to that thought.
Hope :)
hope, i love that you are using your ICr voices as tools for learning and understanding. what a great idea. it makes so much sense to me that we might make further progress not by fighting them but by kind of befriending them. brilliant!
sorry about the ef. we'll be here when you're ready. love and hugs, sweetie.
I think the inner critic thing is a good idea hope. Lots of our inner critics have good intentions behind them and are trying to protect us from harm we've gotten before, so I hope the best for that. It's a pretty hard thing to be able to listen to something that's been hurting you, but there's a lot of value in listening.
:hug:
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you! It was Janina Fisher who gave me the idea to use my Inner Critic voices as tools for learning and understanding - and indeed all 'parts' of me that I can recognise, and it's a refreshing way to view things, and makes sense to me - most of the time. Thanks for the love and hugs, and I always appreciate your lovely replies, thank you SanMagic.
Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you so much for your reply - I appreciate it, and I agree that there's a lot of value in listening - and I do try to do that - regarding the inner critic and other parts that communicate with me. :hug: to you, Decimal Rocket.
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Journal Entry for 18th May 2018
I feel sooooo tired today! It's been a long day. I have done a lot of things - many practical things, and it's taken its toll. I've had to 'step-up' and sort out a few things, because basically there hasn't been anyone else to do the things that have needed doing, and my partner is away again. But I've coped, and that's a good thing!
My massive EF that I had the other day, has thankfully not re-surfaced - I managed to ride it out. I feel more like an adult today - during the EF I felt incredibly vulnerable and scared and anxious. At times I thought I wasn't going to pull out of it, but thankfully I did. What helped was forcing myself to talk about it to my partner, and gaining a fresh perspective - having shared it. I could have easily burrowed into my own world on it, and then it would have intensified the fear - but sharing it - it definitely helped.
I finished reading 'The Silent Boy' by Torey Hayden yesterday - and found some parts of that very emotional - especially any parts where there were endings, and that's a recurrent theme for me in terms of not coping with 'Goodbyes' or transitions - I find them incredibly triggering, and emotive.
Hope :)
so very glad to hear that sharing with your partner was a pos. experience for you, hope. nice step forward!
i hear you on the transitions. because i'll be moving soon, i'm finding it more difficult than i anticipated. i know i'll be extremely emotional, and i really didn't think that was going to happen. sucks.
forward, hope. it's all worth it - i've got to believe that. if i don't, i have no idea what might happen. love and hugs, sweetie.
Hi SanMagic,
I would like to wish you the best with your move, as I know it's going to be a big thing, and you can already feel the emotion of that. Wishing you the strength you need to cope with that transition, and sending you love and hugs :hug: I like your suggestion of 'Forward, it's all worth it' - let's hope it is - and there will be a new chapter waiting. One which is positive and interesting to behold. For all of us.
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Journal Entry on 19th May 2018
My dreams last night were containing a very anxious 'part of me' - one who was scared and felt alone, so it was good to wake this morning and realise that it was a dream, but at the same time, I wondered which part of me was communicating with me in that dream, and so I am sitting with the feelings for a while, to try to make sense of them. I know it is because I'm literally 'alone' this weekend, my partner is away - and so I guess just the process of sleeping alone, brings some 'fear' and 'isolation' - but it was ok. I coped. I am awake now, and I have got some things planned for today - and hopefully it will be ok.
I am trying not to binge this weekend, as I overate/binged on some food last time he was away, and that wasn't good, as I was back to an old pattern that I thought I had left behind. But somehow it had re-evoked itself. So this time, I've not got any food in the house that could be tempting. If it's not here, I can't eat it! I have plans for my meals, so I know exactly what I'll be eating. Should be a good plan.
Yesterday I ended up having to protect my space and my privacy as one of the relatives of my partner was quite pushy about trying to get me to talk about something I wasn't happy to talk about. I ended up telling them that I didn't want to talk about it, because I was a 'private person' - and they didn't really understand that, asked me further questions - which made it feel even more invasive of my space, so then I said that I was feeling uncomfortable with their questions, and that I didn't want us to end up feeling so uncomfortable in each other's presence, and then they backed off. Thankfully we were able to bring the conversation around to more comfortable things, and I think the outcome is that they understood me, and maybe they won't breach my comfort zone again in quite that way. But I don't know. I'm just glad I stood my ground, and pursued my wish for privacy, as I think I couldn't cope with that being eroded by that person.
Hope :)
Hello,
Great job setting boundaries, Hope!
I just wanted to pop by and tell you that, and give you a :hug:
Sceal
Sceal - thank you so much - I really appreciate you saying that, and the hug is lovely - thank you :hug: - I had felt a bit like an 'alien' when I had stood up to that person in asserting my privacy, and it felt like an incredibly hard thing to do, so to have someone say 'Great job setting boundaries' - it means a LOT. Thank you!
**** Journal entry later on 19th May 2018
I managed to get through the day - I managed to do most of the things I'd set out to do - that feels good - because I didn't find it easy. I had a social thing too - and I was able to keep myself together - although I felt like I was 'wearing a mask' for part of that time - but at the same time, I felt like I was present and interacting - and whilst I was doing so, I was amazed at different aspects of the day. However, I felt incredibly tired by the end - it took a lot out of me.
I saw the pushy person that I'd asserted my boundaries with, and thankfully nothing was said of the conversation we'd had only yesterday - so that was good too.. Maybe it's forgotten by the other person already, and I just took it too much to heart - and was affected too much by it. I guess our tolerances for things differ from person to person. I realise I am hyper-vigilant to things, and probably a lot more 'sensitive' than most people seem to be, but then it's so difficult to know what other people think and feel, and how they react, and what they perceive.
Life is interesting in that way, I guess.
Unfortunately I didn't manage to get through the day without bingeing. It could have been a lot worse though - it was a 'limited' binge - but I ate a lot of calories in the end - but there's nothing else I can eat now, so it's safe... I think it was a combination of having 'got through the day' - but also the effect of the Royal Wedding, because it reminded me of previous times, back in the 1980's actually - and it showed me how different my life has gone, since that time and now. However, I am also thinking that there are some good things in my life now - which weren't there back then. So that's good. I guess it's just a bit of a strange time, when there's a National Event - and people mark it, and you see the generations there - and the relationships between them, and also see people celebrating etc. Weddings are happy times - but they also bring up other feelings too.
I wish I hadn't eaten so much - but as I say, it could have been worse. There are worse things I could have done, and I didn't - I just over-ate.
I put on some music from the 1980's and ended up dancing. I really enjoyed doing that. I thought of Blueberry, as I know she does that sometimes. Great idea.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on May 19, 2018, 07:01:44 AM
I ended up telling them that I didn't want to talk about it, because I was a 'private person' - and they didn't really understand that, asked me further questions - which made it feel even more invasive of my space, so then I said that I was feeling uncomfortable with their questions, and that I didn't want us to end up feeling so uncomfortable in each other's presence, and then they backed off.
Good for you Hope! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Quote from: Hope67 on May 19, 2018, 08:16:09 PM
I saw the pushy person that I'd asserted my boundaries with, and thankfully nothing was said of the conversation we'd had only yesterday - so that was good too.. Maybe it's forgotten by the other person already, and I just took it too much to heart - and was affected too much by it. I guess our tolerances for things differ from person to person. I realise I am hyper-vigilant to things, and probably a lot more 'sensitive' than most people seem to be, but then it's so difficult to know what other people think and feel, and how they react, and what they perceive.
"took too much to heart", "affected too much by it" sounds to me a bit as if you might perceive the situation yesterday to somehow have been 'your fault' whereas it sounded to me as if this person couldn't take 'no' for an answer. I'm happy for you that this person didn't continue to hound you today on the subject matter but the fact you didn't want to talk about a particular subject matter with that person doesn't make you too sensitive in any way.
Something useful I read and learn at OOTF our sister website is: don't JADE. Justify Argue Defend Explain. We can do any of those once, but then reset the boundary. We don't actually owe anybody an explanation. Plain old 'No' ought to work. Though I think in UK English there's a cultural tendency to explain. "No" all on it's own is considered rude. Maybe "No, I don't want to" would be OK though? I feel when I'm justifying myself, my actions, explaining etc etc I feel like a child who's still explaining. Whereas adults just get to say "No." At least empowered ones do. We're learning to be empowered on here.
:grouphug:
Hi Blueberry,
You really helped me with both your replies - thank you so much. :hug:
It was difficult for me to assert my boundaries with that person, and it's an ongoing relationship that is going to prove to be challenging for me, as I feel that they will not necessarily 'forget' and may end up re-challenging me - so I feel like I need to be constantly 'on my guard' around them. I really don't like that. But it is as it is.
Your words really helped - because I can see in retrospect how I am ending up feeling as if I have to participate in JADE - and also see the British culture within that - and so recognising that I have rights - it's hopefully going to empower me to assert myself - without giving too much upset to the recipient of my boundary.
I'll have to see how it goes. I think I do end up perceiving most situations as 'my fault' in the end - because I end up personalising and also feeling as if I'm responsible for other people's feelings - which I can acknowledge in the light of day, I'm NOT, but somehow I 'feel as if' I am responsible. I know it stems back to being constantly 'tuned in' to the feelings of my FOO and 'walking on egg-shells' around them, to 'keep them happy' at the expense of my own feelings, thoughts and wants/desires.
Anyway, Blueberry - I will have a look at the other forum to see what they say about JADE and stuff like that - it sounds helpful. It's funny though, whenever I've popped into that forum, I feel as if there are elements that seem a bit 'militant' - i.e. 'hard' and 'forthright' and I wonder if I would want to be like that, but maybe I'm scared of the flip-side of being more compliant, passive and self-effacing.
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Journal Entry on 20th May 2018
I have found Blueberry's words really helpful, and it's given me things to think about. I am still on my own this weekend, in terms of my partner being away - he'll be back tomorrow - I am excited to see him. I've missed him. I've had to see some of his relatives whilst he's been away, and I'm not used to seeing them without him - I prefer him to be there when I see them, as he does protect me from invasive questions, and of course, if I'm by myself, then I am prey to their questions - and hence trying to stand up for myself and protect my privacy. Yet, protecting my privacy seems to be a difficult concept for some people to comprehend. It's like they want to know all about you... invade your soul...
I am exaggerating I think - because that sounds too invasive - but maybe that is what part of me fears - that they want to get inside my protected private space - and I don't trust them! How can I trust them, when I can't trust my own FOO.
I am frustrated at myself for over-eating yesterday - I am going to try to be better today. I've written out a list of things to do, and I'm working my way down that list. So that's good so far.
Part of me wants to go to bed and just shut out the light of the day - for a bit. I could do that. But I fear that depressive thoughts will join me there, and I don't want that.
So I'm going to keep active - and get through the day that way.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 21st May 2018
I've come to the conclusion that I was in another EF during the weekend, and that when I was seeing that person I was having difficulties with (i.e. in terms of asserting my boundaries etc) that somehow I had taken a 'wounded part' along at the time I interacted with them, and then the next time I saw them, somehow I was wearing a more 'grown-up' and 'compassionate' part of myself - which was able to see that actually I had been quite 'defensive' towards them, rather than compassionate for their own situation. It's hard to put this into coherent words, as I'm not entirely sure I know what I mean myself - by what I'm saying here - but essentially, whilst I was glad to have asserted my boundary with the person, in the end I could also see that I had been projecting some fears onto that person that weren't actually related to that person at all - it was due to my insecurities and fears concerning my FOO, and how 'they' would treat me, and how that would make me feel, and the two situations are different, and the history of my FOO isn't the same as the history with this other person.
So coming to that realisation helped me to 'stand back' a bit - and look with fresh eyes.
I am still going to practise the art of maintaining my boundaries, and asserting my need for privacy, when I feel that things are over-stepped - or I feel like I can't handle something - and I am going to think carefully about whether I am getting involved in the JADE aspects that Blueberry pointed out. Most importantly, I would like to be considered as an empowered adult, rather than a dependent child. I feel I've got a long way to go to get there, but to be able to assert myself a bit more, and recognise where I am and another person begins and ends, that's going to be helpful.
This IS making some sense to me, but I'm not sure if I'm writing about it in a way that is coherent. I hope so.
I talked to my partner about the fact I had over-eaten whilst he was away, and he admitted that he'd done exactly the same thing! So we are both prone to over-eating when apart. Thankfully he's back now - and we can hopefully get back into eating better.
I am trying to establish a routine this week - whereby I can focus on things that need doing, plus some more enjoyable things to ensure there's a balance.
Hope :)
Hi Hope.
I really understand the thoughts and feelings you were describing. Isn't it incredible how almost every social interaction becomes so fraught. Not in respect of the actual interaction, but of what we have to put ourselves through in our heads. I look at other people, including my husband, and marvel at the way they just don't seem to have doubts about what they have said, how others have responded, what people think, what it says about them. All the things I worry about and I get the idea that many of us do. No wonder everything is so tiring!
I think you do really well with social interaction, because I realise just how hard it can be.
Enjoy some good food with your partner!
Libby.
hey, hope,
i think asserting boundaries takes practice, and being adult about it takes even more practice. we've had our boundaries run over without our consent so many times, and when i first started being assertive about them (after first even recognizing where they were), i was quite abrupt a lot of the time.
i'll still fall into that if it's a new kind of situation, but having practiced more over the years, it's become easier. still, i'm no diplomat, that's for sure.
the midwest culture of the u.s. where i was raised was also big into justifying. it was a way to try to get the approval of the other person a lot of the time. as if, if they understood my reasoning, then it was ok. if they didn't, somehow it was not. always had to make it ok with them first, so reasons often became lies - i can't make it cuz the kids are sick - when i just didn't want to go.
it takes time, patience, and practice, and that still doesn't mean we'll always get it right. please don't get down on yourself. i think the main best thing is that you did stick up for yourself, held your boundary, and were assertive. if it bothers the other person, they can always bring it up to you and the two of you can discuss it as adults.
love and hugs to you hope.
Hi Libby & SanMagic,
Thanks to both of you - I appreciate your replies - both so validating and helpful to me. :hug: :hug: to you both.
*****
Journal Entry on 22nd May 2018
I've been a bit side-tracked by something someone said yesterday - which has sent me into a feeling of more intense anxiety - basically someone suggested that the person I was trying to assert my boundaries with, might actually live with me and my partner - whilst they have some ongoing health needs that require some personal care! This was without discussion directly to my partner or to me - and I do NOT want that to happen. I feel like I wouldn't cope at all - I would feel like my personal space was invaded - I would feel so many things.
I know I have the right to say 'No' to this, but the fact that someone has already put it as a possibility - without consulting us - what gives them that right!?
My space at home - it's precious - I can't cope with social stuff anyway, so to have someone else staying would mean they'd have their visitors, and it would be never-ending, not to mention the responsibility of caring for someone in those circumstances...
You see, I'm having difficulty in asserting my 'rights' 'my boundaries' - it's causing me significant stress - this whole thing...
I feel like this: :aaauuugh:
Hopefully I'm catastrophising rather than this being 'reality'. It's good to ventilate this feeling, and talk about it - and I feel sure I'll be calmer once I am able to tell myself that I can say 'No' - and that my partner will back me up. But I don't want to be perceived as the 'villain of the piece' - i.e. the one who was awkward and horrible and non-caring.
I am a caring person, but I don't want to take on a caring role in terms of living with someone else and meeting their needs. It would stress me out completely - not to mention bring up feelings of guilt in relation to not being there for my FOO - :aaauuugh:
Now I feel as if I can't get on with the things I wanted to do, because I feel guilty. I feel bad.
OK - I'm going to face this - I'm going to assert my boundaries. I will do this.
I just feel horribly selfish at the moment. Like I am uncaring and selfish. Because I want to keep my independence and my personal space - but I really feel like I wouldn't cope with a situation where another person lived with us - I find it hard to be alone with them - let alone have them in my personal space each and every day. I couldn't cope with that.
I can't work out which part of myself is so triggered by this whole scenario, but it evokes a very primal fearful feeling, so I think it's a wounded part that is desperate to protect me, and ensure I have my space.
What bothers me a lot is the feeling of 'not being in control' of this - like it's an unknown element. Something I'm not sure how to negotiate.
I'll try to put my adult head on - and cope. I expect I will - but right now, I feel like screaming.
I think I'm over-reacting - but it's been good to express it. I am beginning to feel a bit calmer, just for having written about this.
If you've read this, thank you for listening.
Hope :)
Sweet hope,
Keep setting those boundaries. You have every right and reason to feel upset about others not consulting you on this first. Your instinct is right on that it wouldn't be what is best for you to have them live with you.
Please take good care. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Thank you so much - I am feeling a bit better since I wrote things earlier today - it's been ruminating through my mind for a lot of the day, but I was able to talk things through with my partner, and he has reassured me that I don't need to worry about this - i.e. no one can make us change our living arrangements without our permission.
Also, I think the person was maybe 'testing the waters' and had caused a few too many ripples in how they had communicated things - and I realise that my anxious and wounded selves were very frightened by that, and went into shock/froze in fear for a while. But as the day is progressing, I am warming through - and I am no longer catastrophizing in my mind, and most importantly, I am recognising that I can set boundaries as an adult - and I must just stay strong to ensure I do that - rather than react in fear.
This day has felt a bit like a roller-coaster of emotions, but I'm on a smoother part of the ride now, as the afternoon is here - thank goodness!
Deep Blue - thank you again, as your reply was very validating - and helpful to me. :hug: to you.
Hope :)
I ended up going to bed for an hour - because I just felt incredibly drained of energy - I could hardly keep my eyes open. I've drifted off into a sleep and I've now woken again, and I feel better in myself. I am so relieved. I think I really drained myself of energy with my angst and my ruminating about things. I am relieved to feel a bit better now.
Hope :)
Much love Hope.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Quote from: Deep Blue on May 22, 2018, 11:06:15 AM
Sweet hope,
Keep setting those boundaries. You have every right and reason to feel upset about others not consulting you on this first. Your instinct is right on that it wouldn't be what is best for you to have them live with you.
Please take good care. :hug:
:yeahthat:
Hi Deep Blue & Blueberry,
:hug: :hug: to you both, and thank you!
****Journal entry on 23rd May 2018 - might be some triggers in this - as I'm feeling a bit angry inside... so not sure what I may or may not say...
Today I was re-reading a letter that my M had sent me, during the time when we were VLC (very low contact) and she was expressing herself with regard to our estrangement. She didn't take any responsibility at all for anything - she basically said that she had no idea what the matter with me is, and she told me she and my F were 'very ashamed of' me. There was NO acknowledgement whatsoever that they might have been contributory factors in my current issues.
It was like she was expecting me to 'come to my senses' and re-establish contact, and just 'fall into line' again and 'obey'.
So today, I am celebrating the fact that I haven't succumbed to this pressure, that I've remained true to my own convictions that I am better off free from their toxic hold. (As I've just written that, I've adapted the title of this journal to say there might be some triggers within what I'm writing - because a flash of anger came over me, and it makes me wonder whether I might say something 'bad').
I've started reading yet another book - one I found in the library, and it's called 'The Trouble with Alex' and it's by a woman called Melanie Allen. She has written about her experiences adopting a little girl who has learning difficulties and has been emotionally abused in her childhood (i.e. Alex has) - and it just describes how difficult the woman finds the process of caring for Alex.
I am finding that I am relating to some of Alex's issues - and that I'm interested in how the lady who is adopting/fostering her is coping. I also feel as if Alex represents more how my sister may have been when she was a child, and how my parents might have tried to cope with her - and the fact they were young and inexperienced with caring for troubled children, and how they struggled to cope. But yet, their struggling then impacted on the care that was given, and it got out of control. I think I was a much more 'controlled' and 'parentified' child - keen to do 'the right thing' and 'behave' - and yes, I did behave, but to the expense of my own 'self' - I was restrained, controlled, subdued. I know that I would have witnessed quite a lot of difficult stuff between my parents and my sister - she told me that I was there when a lot of physical stuff went on. I think I dissociated a lot during that time, and that's been a pattern that has followed me throughout adulthood - my ability to dissociate - it is a double edged sword, and I can see some positives to dissociation - i.e. as a helpful strategy to survive, but also some negatives. I've read things about it - and relate to it.
Last night I was watching a film with my partner, and he commented that the film was 'very hard to follow' - and that made me think to myself - 'That's how ALL films feel to me' - regardless of their content - I typically find them 'very hard to follow' - as I am not present throughout - my mind goes to so many other places, and then I've lost the thread of what's happening. So that was interesting to hear his perspective.
This morning I was going to 'rush around' and get through a lot of things - because I felt I'd got behind, after yesterday's 'melt-down' of my emotions - but then I stopped myself, and decided to take a more 'relaxed approach' - whereby I just tried to focus on one thing, and then move on slowly to another - and somehow that's really calmed my senses. Enabled me to 'think' and process things. I am grateful for that. Then reading my M's letter to me, and thinking about how she just wasn't able to acknowledge ANYTHING being wrong on her part, and how amazing that must be to be so blinkered in approach and so closed off to any expression of love or connection for her daughter - she doesn't once say anything about caring for me, or loving me - just about how I've disappointed her, and that she is 'thoroughly ashamed' with me and my behaviour.
Regarding how I feel about that - inside me, I can feel that there's a part that is 'wailing and upset' - and another part is 'angry' and yet another part is 'incredulous' at how someone could be like that, and show no sense of caring and compassion. Mixed feelings. But the fact I'm feeling them, it feels like some progress, as I often minimise things - certain things, and catastrophise others, and there isn't usually a pattern I can decipher about which way that will turn out.
I talked yet again to my partner about my concerns about the person that was bothering me yesterday - and my fears about those things, and I became quite tearful - and upset. I explained to him that I feel as if I'm 'pathetic' at such times, because I wonder how other people would approach the same situation, and I feel 'lacking' in my ability to be strong, but he pointed out to me that most people feel like that underneath at times. I know he's right, and I also know that on the 'outside' people often assume that I'm a 'coper' and that I show a serene and coping face - and that's because I 'do show that face' - but underneath I feel like the swan trying to keep afloat on the water - serene on top, but flaying around underneath.
I think I'm a bit dissociated now - whilst writing this, because once again, I feel like I'm writing 'about someone' and not actually experiencing this myself - I'm not in touch with my emotions - although I can 'see them' and 'feel them a little' but I feel certain that I'm not experiencing them how most people might - or at least that's what I sense.
I went into the Blog post by the Artist - Martina I think her name is - but that's from my memory - and it was lovely to talk there with her and Kizzie about doing Collages and expressing creativity through Art. I would like to do that. Even though I feel afraid by what I produced that one time when I did an Art therapy session. But if I just 'play around' with some Art - either drawing, painting or writing, then I can see what comes out, and there's no wrong or right way - just whatever happens.
I feel quite upset inside now - like I want to cry.
I'm going to enjoy a cup of tea. That sounds like a good idea.
Hope :)
Dear Hope,
A big :hug: to you!
You've processed ALOT today. Re-reading the letter from your M and her inability to take responsibility for her actions towards her child must be so painful. It is always the adults responsibility, never the child. Even if the child is "acting up" or being "difficult", it is always the adult who is responsible for the actions taken to help, heal, prevent and support. And it seems your M never took that responsibility upon herself.
I've heard it can be easier to put the blame upon others, and maybe that's what she did? But it doesn't make it right.
I think your partner is right, that everyone feels out of sorts and not okay when their boundaries have been stepped over or broken down. And that most people can find it difficult to stand up for them selves when their boundaries are about to be pushed aside. I think you did the right thing by telling this other person that her questioning and demanding of answers by you were not okay, and it's a subject you aren't willing to talk about with that particular person - and she(he?) should accept that. Saying no, and standing firm by it is something I find super challening and I tend not to be able to stand firm. So I am super impressed with you, that you did it! And I'm here, cheering profoundly for you! :hug:
I hope the cup of tea was helpful getting you out of dissociative state, and allowed you to process your mixed feelings a little bit further.
Hi Sceal,
Thank you for the lovely hug and sending one back to you :hug: - thank you so much for recognising what I processed yesterday and for validating that for me. I appreciate that so much, and you're right, the adult should always be the 'responsible' one - but sadly some of us have found our FOO have let us down - for whatever reasons.
I also really appreciate your cheering me - in terms of standing up for my personal boundaries. It was incredibly hard to do, but I felt I needed to do it, and I found it so helpful to come here and 'off-load' about my thoughts and feelings about it. I also found talking to my partner to be really helpful, and I also told a close friend, and she was incredibly supportive too - so I have reached out and found support - which is incredible. I used to handle things completely by myself in the past, throughout my childhood, I was pretty much self-dependent - didn't feel I could trust anyone - so to have been able to make friendships as an adult, and know that I can talk about things, it's a very special thing.
I am grateful to everyone here in the forum for being able to understand me, because I feel like you DO understand me, and I feel supported by that. It is a very special thing.
****
Journal Entry for 24th May 2018
I've started a new thread (thanks to the encouragement of several people but particularly Blueberry) which is about Creativity and Inner Children, and I am already excited about this, because my inner child (Little Hope) is jumping up and down about it and cheering!!! :cheer: So something has got to be right about it!!!
Hopefully it will mean that I'll move from 'procrastination' into 'action' - and I'll achieve something. I do feel hopeful about it. I really do.
I have agreed to attend a social thing tonight - so I am already feeling as if I want to cancel it... But I am going to make myself go, and make myself hopefully manage to cope. I'll see how it goes.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 25th May 2018
I am feeling a bit more positive today - which is good. I hope that I can hold onto this positivity and that I won't be hijacked by too many unexpected things - there have been a few too many of those lately - but thankfully I have managed to cope. So that is good.
I did something social last night, and I had been feeling like cancelling it for parts of the day, but I made myself keep my commitment, and in the end, it was ok. Things like that usually are ok in the end, but there is always a greater part of me that doesn't want to 'go through it' - and would rather 'get out of it'. But I am glad that I did it, and I feel that it was a good thing to have done.
I'm feeling slightly annoyed at myself now, because I feel like my writing is 'stilted' - and I wish it would flow better. I wish I could be more 'at ease' with myself - rather than ever-analysing myself - but it's a habit that I've developed since so long ago - keeping hypervigilant to everything, including the words and everything around them.
I have found it helpful when I've tried to allow my subconscious mind to surface more - and when I've tried to enable a space for my wounded parts to communicate - as in the Meditation Circle that Janina Fisher talks about in her book - that is very helpful, and I remember that I wrote some of those communications somewhere in this forum - I hope to do that again, as it was helpful. I was surprised at what came out, but also pleased to think that my wounded parts are communicating with me, and allowing me to see more snippets of memory - from time to time.
I'm also finding that reading books about fostering and adoption of children with challenging behaviours and/or emotional problems is really helpful to me, in that during the reading of those books, I either relate to the experiences of the children, or my inner children listen avidly to whatever care provider is with them, and takes something from their help/support - or attempts to help and support - and also they often refer the child to someone professional - like a counsellor or a psychologist, and then I hang onto the words that they say - because they are often very adept at discussing the things that might have contributed - and it helps me at many levels. I think I'm soaking up information - and taking the bits that are meaningful to me and to my wounded parts, and then I can leave the remainder parts that aren't so helpful.
That's how it feels at the moment. It's helpful.
Again, I am thinking about how I'm feeling 'right now' and thankfully I feel a bit more 'at ease' and less stilted now. Shows how changeable it is - one moment feeling 'stuck' and 'held back' and another minute feeling like I can flow and express things better. I think that feels like some progress - I am feeling some happiness inside right now. :cheer:
Hope :)
Dear Hope,
I am glad to hear that you went to the social engagement despite not really wanting to go, and that it turned out okay. :)
I think it's good that you manage to observe that you can get out of the feeling of being stuck and down. To experience that it is a passing feeling is important to have. Sending you a warm and friendly :hug:
I wish you a good weekend!
Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much, both for your acknowledgement and validation, and also for the warm and friendly hug :hug: - I also wish you a good weekend! :)
****
Journal Entry for 26th May 2018
I was reading some things that other people had written in the forum, in relation to how the Bank Holiday weekend or the sunnier weather can have an impact - and it's helped me to look on this weekend a bit differently than normal - just hearing those reflections and thoughts on it. I relate to the pressure to behave a certain way - and so I'm thinking that I don't need to put that pressure onto myself - I know that Memorex spoke of wanting to enjoy a bath and read a book - and I thought - what a great idea! Some reading, and possibly a relaxing bath at some point over the weekend - and so now I'm thinking I'll do that - and giving myself permission to do that - it feels like a luxury and it feels indulgent, and I am actually thinking - that's ok.
I don't know what it is, but today - I feel 'lighter' - I feel 'happier' - as if I want to 'play a bit' and as if that's 'ok'. This is a bit strange, as I am far more used to feeling as if I 'shouldn't be feeling a certain way' - or indeed, I can often feel much heavier and more unpleasant feelings crowding my space. But today - I feel a whole lot lighter and freer. I don't know if this feeling will last, but I hope it lingers for a while...!
Hope :)
That's wonderful Hope!
:cheer:
I bath sounds lovely. I hope you get lots of relaxation and time for Hope.
Much love :hug:
Deep Blue
Hi Deep Blue,
Actually I haven't had a bath - despite thinking it would be a good idea. It's been very hot weather, and somehow having a bath seems to be something I'd prefer to do on a colder day. But I have taken some time to try to relax more this weekend, and so far, it's been ok. :hug: to you, Deep Blue - hope your weekend is going ok.
****
Journal Entry on 27th May 2018
My emotions have been 'up' and also 'down' over the weekend so far. I've had moments when I've felt 'lighter' and 'more at peace' and also a bit 'excited' about life - and there have been moments when I feel really tearful and 'down' - so I guess my mood has been 'up and down'.
I think that Bank Holiday weekends are more challenging - because they are typically times when people spend time with family - and of course I am estranged from my FOO - it's not that I want to re-connect - because I don't. I know it's better for me and my sanity to stay with the status quo, but at the same time, Bank holiday weekends raise the issues of being separated - however, I am not going to let it affect me too much - I am going to try to maintain the lighter more hopeful moments - and I am hoping to get through the more down periods. Both express different parts of me, and I am aware of that, so I'm not rushing away from either - I'm just tolerating them both, and seeing what happens.
Hope :)
hey, hope,
you seem to be navigating these up and down waters quite well. good for you! you sound much calmer, more peaceful inside of you with these last few posts. i'm really glad for you for that. keep up the good work, sweetie. i love what i'm seeing. love and hugs to you, too.
Hi Hope.
Everything you said about bank holidays and their connections with FOO rang so true for me as well.
I have always felt so I'll at ease around these holidays, even as a child. Now there seems to be such a pressure to behave in a certain way on a sunny bank holiday weekend, and so much shame and guilt if you don't.
But I am right beside you in this idea that we accept our feelings, some positive and some sad, about what these times mean to us. I really like that you are feeling a bit more light and alive, whilst accepting the less positive emotions around your FOO.
I think that I have managed this much better than usual this holiday weekend. I really think that we are on the right track, so to speak. Accepting the sadness, but ditching any shame around how we now choose to spend these times.
I hope you have a nice day today, doing whatever you decide to do, and finding some small pleasures - the sort that make us feel alive!
Hugs,
Libby.
Hi Hope,
Just wanted to pop by and give you a :hug: and a wish that your day will be lighter and good.
Sceal
Hi SanMagic, Libby & Sceal,
Thank you all for your lovely comments - it's so nice to pop in here today and find your responses, and makes me feel good.
SanMagic - I appreciate your words - and love the description of 'navigating the waters - up and down' - it's a good analogy - I really like it. :) :hug: to you, SanMagic.
Libby - I appreciate so much that you're right beside me in the idea of accepting our feelings - whatever they happen to be - and I am so glad to hear that you've managed better than usual on this holiday weekend - I agree - I think we're on the 'right track' - and I'm all for accepting the sadness, whilst ditching any shame regarding our behaviour - we can choose how we spend our time, and that's ok! Hugs back to you, Libby - hope the Bank Holiday Monday is going ok. :hug:
Sceal - My day is lighter and going ok so far - and I so much appreciate your hug, and hope that yours is ok too - :hug: to you Sceal.
***
Journal Entry on 28th May 2018
I really do feel quite a bit better today - compared with how I normally feel in Bank holiday weekends - and I really think it's down to the support of this forum, and knowing that we're navigating the waters of C-PTSD together - borrowing that analogy from SanMagic, it's great!
Last night, whilst dropping off to sleep, I felt as if a 'wounded part' had joined me for part of the night - because I felt a really strong sense of 'despondency' and 'sadness' - it was pervasive and very very strong. It was like it was showing me glimpses and flashbacks of things - little memories - but also 'feelings' - and although it didn't make much sense in terms of being in any coherent or organised way, I just went with the flow, and allowed those things to happen, and allowed myself to feel that despondency and that sadness - and I didn't try to deflect it away, or avoid it, I just 'lay there' and experienced it. It wasn't frightening or any negative emotion to accompany it, and I just 'listened' and 'allowed' that wounded part to communicate.
Today, I've allowed my inner children to 'play a bit' and I must write about that in the Creativity thread, as I want to share that there - so I hope I don't forget to pop by there and write something.
I think I'll do that now.
Hope :)
That's some really excellent work Hope! Sounds like those wounded parts were heard by you and then said their piece. You are awesome :hug:
ditto what deep blue said. very proud of you that you let those feelings just be. moving forward, hope, in so many ways. love and hugs.
Hi Deep Blue & SanMagic - thank you both. :hug: :hug:
****
Journal Entry on 29th May 2018
I have been doing some things on my 'To Do' list - and ticking them off - which means I've actually been doing them! I am happy about that. It's a good start to the day. I hope I can keep up this momentum - I have a couple of 'sociable' things I need to do later - and I am intending to do both - and not get out of either of them!
For some reason I've managed to mislay where I've put my Janina Fisher book - and I want to re-read it - and yet I wonder why I've mislayed it. I will hope to find it later. I am thinking that I would like to make some more progress on identifying my wounded/fragmented parts - I have a sense of what they are like, and 'who' they are - but it is quite difficult to conceptualise them - I know that WhoBuddy has 'plush parts' to represent them, (I think that was the description) - but I've not got that far - as mine are currently 'images' or 'thoughts' or 'glimpses of pictures' - rather than more substantive things.
I think I need to re-read Janina's book, so I can get to grips with the process again, and try it in a more formal way.
I feel as if I'm 'ready' to do that - it feels like the right time.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 30th May 2018
I felt happy this morning, whilst taking a shower - it was as if my inner child was with me, and she was so excited to be enjoying the shower - honestly, it surprised and also delighted me - because I actually laughed out loud at the time...
I seem to be coping better this week - even saying that makes me feel a little unnerved - am I tempting things by expressing my postivity? I hope not...
Hope :)
i don't think so, hope. i personally think it may just be the newness of the feeling and being able to vocalize it that may give you a bit of a topsy-turvy sense. i'm really so very happy for you that you got that feeling and that you were able to connect it to that little hope, too, in a way that she could feel it.
yay, you. love and hugs to you both. enjoy!
Hi SanMagic,
I think you're right - in the newness of the feeling and being able to vocalize it. Love and hugs back to you :hug:
****
Journal Entry for 31st May 2018
I've been busy this morning, doing a few things - managing to 'do' them - and feeling positive about that. I feel as if I have a bit more energy - not entirely sure where it's coming from, but it's a good thing and I like it.
I am hoping to find Janina Fisher's book again today - I've put it somewhere safe, and typically can't find it! I really would like to re-read it again. She's like a therapist to me.
Hope :)
I'm back again already - I felt as if I didn't have very much to say when I was writing just now, but then I went to different parts of the forum, and I also went to the Blog post where Pete Walker has been blogging, and I was thrilled to see he'd replied to me - the only thing is that I feel over-whelmed now - and so I've not been able to 'take in' what he said. But I know I will be able to re-read it and then I will be able to understand it and appreciate it - because he said a lot of things. But the over-riding thing that affected me as I read what he wrote, was that I'd felt so frustrated by having written in his blog a few days ago, and then wondering if he was going to reply - because he didn't reply to anyone for a few days - and somehow I had felt a sense of being abandoned, and so when he did reply - I felt a gushing of painful flashbacks - I suppose it's an EF - and I want to write about it, because this happens whenever I expect something to happen, or someone says they'll do something, and then it's not how I anticipate it will be, and I wonder if I'm abandoned or they just didn't see me - and it makes me feel hurt and abandoned, but then if they do notice me, or reach out to me, then it hits a very emotional spot - at a very core and raw level. It makes me want to cry, but it's in a very poignant and raw way.
Yet at the same time, this makes me feel vulnerable and also a bit pathetic, because afterall, I don't really know Pete - although his books have meant a lot to me, and it was through his books that I found this forum, and then saw all the work that Kizzie has done to create this wonderful place, and then I've met all of the great people here - wow, that is finding a tribe of people - that is so meaningful.
Anyway, I am very happy that he replied, and I appreciate what he said - but I need to calm myself and re-read it at a later point in time, because right now, I'm over-whelmed and over-emotional.
I feel a bit embarrassed to have written that now - but I'll leave it there. It is as it is.
(Trigger warnings for what I'm going to write next, as it involves unpleasant stuff around food and abusive behaviour - force-feeding)
I think I also need to talk about issues around food here for a bit, because I was thinking about this quite a lot yesterday - and a few things came to mind. So I'll just write them down, whilst I'm thinking of them. I think that there was a lot of tension in my FOO during my childhood, and indeed throughout my life during the times I've been in contact with them. I know that my sister was anorexic and battled with my parents over food - to the extent that she wouldn't eat at meal-times very often, and she told me that they would put her meals into a large bowl, and later force-fed the cold and congealed food. I was only very small when this was happening, and I can't recall that happening. But I do remember that I always felt that it was really important for me to eat my food, and that not eating it didn't seem like an option to me. It was like I feared what might happen if I didn't eat what was on my plate, rather than realising there was an actual threat there.
I also remember that my M would sometimes make me feel quite embarrassed as she'd tend to bring a massive Cream Cake along if I had a school trip, so that I'd have a packed lunch and then an really exotic looking cake - and no one else would have such a cake - and so I'd feel like I was 'spoiled' and 'treated differently' - that might have sounded like she cared a lot for me to do that, but somehow as an adult I think that it was about 'looking as if' she was a caring mother. I never felt that from her - to me she was very cold, like a wire mother. Very controlling. She controlled me with a look - I daren't do anything to upset her - indeed, I tried so hard to do things to keep her happy and to keep her in a good mood.
This is interesting, because I think I feel some guilt for having had some happier moments lately - and tuning into my creative side, and allowing my inner children to play a little, and somehow this has evoked a harsher side who doesn't want me to enjoy myself, and who wants me to suffer in some way.
I really think that some of the things that Pete Walker said in his reply to me in the blog - they are pertinent to this - I hope I will be able to focus and understand what he said. I know I will, but right now, I feel it's difficult to concentrate. My mind feels like it is in many different places.
This morning I talked to my partner about my FOO, and about the fact that I find it difficult to truly get in touch with my anger towards them - and I told him that one of my friends seems able to express her anger towards them without any difficulty - and yet, I don't seem to be able to - and he said that he thinks that my M and F are incredibly toxic and he thinks that I can't get in touch with my anger because they brain-washed and groomed me - and I think he's right in that respect. They did do that.
I have been writing about my memories in more detail - so that's been helpful as a way of processing things and getting things out.
I'm feeling a bit calmer again now, so it's been good to write this. I shall go and have a herbal tea.
Hope :)
:bighug:
Sweet Hope,
I think you are amazing. Such great insights even when you are feeling off kilter. I think you are so brave and gain strength just by reading. Thanks.
Hi Deep Blue,
:hug: to you, and thank you so much for saying that.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 2nd June 2018
I got up very early this morning, and so far I feel positive about the day - I found Janina Fisher's book last night - I had mislayed it, and finding it again - that felt great! I have started to re-read it - slowly but surely and I jotted down a couple of things that resonated and made sense to me - in the Books section of this forum. I find it very helpful to do that. I hope to be more open to hearing and observing any communications from my wounded/fragmented parts - and to trying to develop a dual awareness - to enable me to foster some compassion to the feelings and communications of those parts - I also feel like I'm nearing a time when I can share some of the descriptions of those parts - here in the forum - I hope so - because I want to share my experiences with people like WhoBuddy and FenStarShimmer - who are also working on that book and doing that kind of process. I still feel as if I'm 'in the dark' about how to do it the best way - but maybe there's no best way... Just whatever way works best for an individual person - maybe my parts will communicate to me how they'd like to be represented!!! I like WhoBuddy's use of 'plush toys' - but I am taking my time to decide on the way I will represent them. So far it's been doing little diagrams - and writing key words and phrases and snippets of memory etc. Building a picture that way.
I was affected quite a bit by a talk I had yesterday with my partner - it was just a small thing, but he had misheard what I said in the kitchen whilst making some tea - and I had somehow assumed that he was being awkward in not realising what I had said, and what I had meant. It made me realise that I sometimes think/assume that another person will 'know' and 'understand' what I mean - almost as if by 'magical thinking' or 'telepathy' - and that I have often assumed that I know what someone else is thinking or feeling - probably because I've tried to anticipate the moods of my FOO - especially my NM - as it felt really important to know her moods and anticipate them, to keep the peace. When I expressed my surprise that my partner hadn't realised what I meant - he told me that he thinks that I sometimes can't take the perspective of another person, and he actually said it was a bit like the perceptual experiment that was done with children on whether a child can see what the others see - on the other side of the model - can't remember who did that experiment, but I knew what he meant! I was taken aback... didn't realise he saw me that way. But I took it on board, because it makes me wonder if I assume I do know what people think and feel, and really - I shouldn't assume at all - it's best to check things out. I'm in the 'here and now' and not in the past - there aren't the same dangers around me now - i.e. I think my partner loves me and has my best interests at heart in his interactions with me - whereas I don't believe that was the case with my FOO - I realise in retrospect that they were looking at their own interests, and keeping me in 'line' to preserve their status quo, and their rules.
I can't think of anything else I want to say for now - but that was interesting to have that discussion.
Hope :)
p.s. Was it Piaget who did that experiment with the children and their perspective? I think so.
jUst sending you some :hug: :hug: and hope you are still feeling OK after the talk with your partner. Sometimes things seem OK for and then there is a delayed reaction. I hope that doesn't happen for you here, that everything's all good. :)
sounds like your partner may be more perceptive than you thought, a deeper thinker. i think that working on the whole assumptions thing is a good goal to have in mind. they've gotten me in a lot of trouble a lot of times.
you're sounding stronger, hope, more grounded, calmer somehow, more sure of yourself on some level. whatever you're doing, keep it up. i think it's doing a lot of good for you. realizations, sharing with your partner, boundaries, all that stuff that seemed to be much more of a struggle for you in the past. well done!
i'm very glad you've been finding that book so helpful for you. that is so great. love and hugs to you sweetie.
Hey Hope :)
I teach advanced placement psychology. Yes, the experiment you are talking about is piaget's Stages of cognitive development. Usually a child ages 3-7 is in the stage you mentioned. It's called the preoperational stage. Maybe it was rhetorical, but hey, I'm a psychology geek :bigwink:
Hi Blueberry, SanMagic & Deep Blue - thank you all. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 4th June 2018
The weekend felt relatively good - I was more positive generally - but today I feel a sense of some 'anxiety' and some 'dread' inside. It's really difficult to put my finger on what has triggered this, and where it's come from - so maybe it's just 'there' and it will pass in time. I feel as if procrastination is again my companion today - because I had so many good ideas, or at least so many things I hoped to achieve this week - and yet I seem to have wasted the day. I have been reading Janina's book - and I've been jotting down some quotes in my notebook - so that I can be mindful of any feelings and thoughts and emotions as communication from parts - and ideally I should work on thinking about what this current feeling is about - but somehow I can't focus enough to work it out. Or maybe I just can't do it.
I guess I'm feeling a bit despondent about it - and that contrasts with the hopefulness I was feeling on the weekend. I actually felt some good emotions over the weekend - but they have slipped from my mind again today.
I'm ok though - I know this will pass, it's just a day of contrasts - it could be a lot worse. It's not that bad.
I had a dream last night that I was in the company of two women, one of whom seemed to have some eye-sight difficulties, and so we were helping her to negotiate her way through some streets and helping her to reach her destination - I was surprised that we were doing that - because I didn't know her, so wasn't sure why I was there! I can't make sense of that dream - but I remember it quite vividly.
I haven't experienced any night terrors or nightmares for quite a few weeks now - that is an improvement for sure.
I think my partner's comment about my not being able to take another perspective, like Piaget's experiment on the children, which Deep Blue said is children aged 3 to 7 years - that makes me wonder if perhaps I was blended with a younger wounded part at the time - and therefore literally couldn't take a different perspective.
Reading Janina's book - I am on the Chapters which look at 'Befriending parts' and also on Attachment issues, and I recognise that I have a disorganised early attachment to my NM - I relate very much to the things that are written in that book - about those things.
Actually I am wondering if I'm just more in touch with the parts of myself that I may have turned away from - i.e. the exiled parts - the ones that are depressed, that want to hurt themselves, the ones that are angry and the ones that are scared. I know they are all there - I know there are many parts within me - I am going to remain with a curious mind, and try not to blend with them. Janina talks about 'taking them under my wing' - as a way of separating from them - I think that does help.
Maybe I'm just feeling a bit over-whelmed by how many parts there seem to be. But they are all there because they helped me to survive my earlier experiences - and therefore they are all important, and I'm not going to leave any parts behind - we're in this together. Actually as I say that, I feel something positive inside - it's like they heard me. Wow, that was an internal feeling - it was a good feeling.
My partner knew I was reading the book today - and he's just gone out - and he said to me before he went 'Are you re-traumatising yourself today?' - that makes me wonder if he thinks that reading my book re-traumatises me... I don't think it does, but clearly reading things, and trying to do self-improvement and working things out - it isn't easy - but I think it would be so much worse if I wasn't trying to do this - it would be like it was before, when I was having terrible night terrors and not being able to ground myself - I am so much better now - in terms of coping.
My reply to him was 'No, I'm not re-traumatising myself' - and I don't think I am.
I do however feel as if I'm in touch with some more vulnerable parts of myself today.
I feel like I want to eat stuff now - I must fight that feeling - I've promised myself I won't binge - and I won't.
I'm going to make a cup of tea - or maybe coffee.
Hope :)
So, what I did - I made that cup of tea - and then I decided to do a 'Meditation Circle' and invited my Wounded/Fragmented Parts to join me, and I just listened to them, and jotted down things they said, and I repeated some of those things to them, and tried to feel compassion for their feelings and their thoughts - they brought me snippets of memories from the past, and it felt ok - nothing they'd not shown me before, and I mentally and also physically hugged them, and tried to feel them in my body, and let them feel my body too - in terms of the fact I am bigger now - an adult - with a longer spine etc.
I do feel better for having done that.
In terms of the wish to binge, I've compromised and decided to cook something 'comforting' for us all to enjoy - and so now we're all feeling happier at the thought of eating something that is hopefully nutritious and better for us than bingeing on biscuits or other things...
I've also put some music on - and I've had a bit of a dance, and that has also made my parts feel happier.
So right now - I feel better.
Hope :)
Hope that is really well done! I think you are doing a great job of taking the younger hopes under your wing. You had the fun playful shower hope and the artist hope. It makes sense that both of these little Hopes would have difficulty putting the shoe in the other foot.
Great job to you for helping all those little Hopes get through it. You are really doing an incredible job. Your partner may be having a difficult time putting the shoe on the other foot too since he doesn't understand why you are reading the book :bigwink:
Keep up the great work. :hug:
Much love
Deep Blue
:yeahthat: Good going HOpe! Also with the Meditation Circle. ime you need a fair bit of stability to do that kind of thing without a therapist, and you're doing :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Hi hope!
Don't have many words today, just wanted to let you know I'm cheering for you.
:hug:
Sceal
Hi Deep Blue, Blueberry & Sceal - I appreciate your replies, and thank you all :hug: :hug: :hug:
*****
Journal Entry for 5th June 2018
I'm suffering from indigestion today - at least I think that's what it is - I've had pain in my tummy and now pain in my throat - and whilst I think it's indigestion, I am also aware that I'm being more mindful of any bodily feelings, thoughts, feelings etc and thinking about them as potential communications from fragmented parts - so I can't be sure what it actually is. But might be indigestion. I don't like it - whatever it is. I hope it will go away soon. But I've had it since lunchtime today.
***Potential trigger warning, as mentioning suicidal/addictive behaviours etc,
Also, I was reading Janina's book - and I was re-reading Chapter 7 which is called "Working with Suicidal, Self Destructive, Eating Disordered, and Addicted Parts" - and I had underlined prominent lines and statements within that chapter, the last time I read it - and yet on this re-reading of it, I was amazed by the things I'd thought were relevant the last time I read it - i.e. it was like I just didn't relate to the same things this time, and infact I related to completely different things - so it felt as if maybe another part of me must have been reading it the first time, as I really couldn't relate to it the same way! This has disconcerted me a fair bit, as I realise I have 'different parts' within myself, but I don't think I'm dissociated from them to the degree that I am unaware of what I'm doing - at least as long as I keep in the reality of life and don't drink too much alcohol - I've had experiences with alcohol where I've lost track of time and forgotten where I live and basically what the time frame is - hence I don't allow myself to drink too much alcohol - so I won't experience that - it did scare me at the time.
But maybe I was just a bit dissociated when I read the chapter last time, and just literally related to different things. I don't know.
I feel a bit concerned about it - but not too bad.
I also noticed that a couple of people have commented in the thread that I wrote about my uncomfortable feelings about animals wearing clothes, and somehow I find it hard to go back there to even read the replies properly - even though I am grateful to the people for responding there - maybe it's too triggering for me at the moment, and the words feel too triggering to read - I'll go back when I feel I can.
I've ordered a book that Ah has recommended in the book section - called 'Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen - as I respect Ah's recommendation of it, and I also liked what the reviews said about the book - it looks like it could be really good, and I feel the need to read something new. I know that my thirst for books is growing every stronger - I love to read books - they have helped me through life so much.
I nearly spend the whole afternoon in bed today - I nearly took that option - but then decided that a cup of tea and reading something would be better. It was mainly because of this pain in my tummy and in my throat - I wanted it to go away.
Also, when I was thinking about the dissociated stuff in relation to that chapter in Janina's book, my left part of my head really hurt too - which is why I'm thinking it's something more than indigestion.
I will try to go to bed early tonight - I think that's a good option.
Hope :)
hey, hope,
i've had that experience as well, of coming back and finding that what i thought important at one time didn't seem the same the next time i read it. i've always thought of it as a sign of growth - that somehow i've grown, so my perspective on things became different. could that be what happened to you?
it never felt like i dissociated, just that i'd reached another level of recovery. like those were more basic things i'd felt i needed to remember at the time. so, when i came back to it after a while, those same bits weren't relevant in the same way as the first time i'd seen them.
just a thought.
i hope you figure out what your pains are all about. best to you with that. love and hugs to you, hope.
Hi Hope.
I really sympathise with the horrid indigestion feeling. For me, it is a very strong emotional symptom. Hoping you have found some relief from this.
As you know, I always keep up with your journal and have read about your working through the Janina book with great interest.
At first, I didn't really "get it", but now it is starting to resonate with me. I think my therapy experience has had a lot to do with this, and I understand a lot more about dissociation, splitting, wounded parts and so on.
So I think it is definitely time to order the book. I think my husband would probably say something similar to what your partner said, about re-traumatising ourselves. I just feel so strongly that I need to understand myself. Is that what drives you, do you think, in its most simple terms? That quest for understanding yourself, that other people just don't even have to think about, let alone embark on, because they are who they are and they know it. Does that make sense in terms of Janina's book, perhaps?
You are a support and inspiration to me, so thank you, and I will let you know when I get the book.
Take care and I hope your digestion is a little more settled today.
Hugs, Libby.
Hi SanMagic,
Your reply is so helpful to me, as I hadn't thought of that possibility - and yet, it is the most obvious - I was beginning to worry about myself a little - and your reply has helped me to gain a much more grounded perspective - thank you so much! I do think my perspective has become different - in terms of the contents of the chapter I was reading. That would explain why I felt so differently and didn't relate to the things I'd highlighted that first time I was reading it. My pains have gone now, and I think they were more than indigestion - I do think they represented more than that. But I am thankful they have gone away today. I feel a lot better. :hug: to you, SanMagic
Hi Libby,
I read your reply this morning, and I wanted to think about it for a while before replying - as you asked me 'what drives' me - and you spoke of the fact that you feel so strongly that you need to understand yourself - I do relate to that, Libby - very much so. I think it is a driving force for me too - in the most simple terms. You went on to say that you feel that other people don't even have to think about it, and that is where I am not so sure, as I actually wonder what goes on in people's heads - I suspect that none of us (however assured and confident we might look on the outside) are necessarily feeling the same way inside - regardless of what background experiences we have - I think human nature is one of insecurity and possibly wondering what life is all about - maybe we all have existential crises and crises of identity - I am really not sure about it all, but I think that humans are vulnerable - and trying to make sense of life, and trying to discover who we are and why we're here - and often - it's hard to answer that. But especially so if we have experienced challenging childhood experiences.
Libby - it's great that you're ordering Janina's book, and that some of the snippets from the book have resonated with you already - I hope that you'll enjoy reading it, and find it useful. WhoBuddy and Fen Starshimmer are also reading it - or have read it - and I am currently re-reading it! There is a thread in the Book section where some of us have been commenting on our reflections from that book - I think you've already mentioned reading some of that.
Libby - I also feel an affinity to you and your experiences, as I feel we have quite a bit of things in common - and you inspire me and support me - so I echo what you said to me - I also wanted to join in the conversation you were having with Blueberry the other day (which I think was in Blueberry's Journal - which is why I held back, as I didn't want to hijack anything) - but I also felt traumatised by my NM's awful interactions with various machines (vacuum cleaners being one of them) and how she would scream and shout at it - and I would be scared. I am also not very good with machinery and gadgets etc - although I try my best. My M used to bang and crash her way around the kitchen too, when in a foul mood, and so it wasn't relaxing to be around that.
Anyway, I've written quite a lot, but thank you for your reply here, and regarding my digestion - it is much better today - I think it was a strong emotional symptom, rather than pure indigestion - and I am feeling relieved not to have it today. :hug: to you, Libby.
******
Journal Entry for 6th June 2018
I feel better today - in terms of not having the indigestion - and I think it was more than indigestion, I think it was emotional pain of some kind. I am just relieved it's not with me today. So, how do I feel today has gone? It was ok! I have coped with a few things that were challenging in some ways, nothing big - just things that are tricky and time-consuming. So I feel I've achieved something today.
I have to go now, as I've just remembered I need to do something...
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
My name caught my eye. So you too - trouble with machines and an M who used to crash and bang about. Mine did that too, also a lot in the kitchen. I can't even work a mobile phone. Three separate people have gone through the steps with me on different occasions with pretty basic phones till I can do it. Come the time I need the mobile, it doesn't work. Not with instructions, nothing. I just can't do it. There are a few times a year when a mobile would be really handy.
A therapist once told me that it is because deep down I don't want to use a mobile phone, but I don't agree. I think that was speculation on his part.
:thumbup: on your indigestion being better. For me, indigestion is usually an emotional thing too. But certainly a relief when it's over. :hug:
glad your belly pain is better, hope.
personally, i think a lot of people don't want to know more about themselves, not in any depth regarding their issues. i've always seen these people as being very superficial, and have known more than a few of them. i think humans are complex enough to always have something going on in their minds, but i've also seen a lot of distractive behaviors to stay away from exploration.
i heard once that if you've had parents, you need therapy. thought that was funny, but very true, which means basically all of us have issues that need looking into. those who are too scared just don't go there, and can do a lot of dancing around the whole thing.
that's part of what i find so inspiring about the people here - they're so courageous to dive inside to find their answers instead of making up excuses or using blanket statements to never look within. one of my favorites was 'i'm a jew from new york, and that's just the way i am'. he had a lot of behaviors that could have used some new perspective on his part, but he always excused the neg. about himself with that statement.
keep taking care of you, hope. i think you're really doing great. love and hugs to you.
Hi Blueberry,
It's amazing how much those experiences with M's crashing and banging around impact on us years later - and I actually relate to some things you said about using a mobile too - because my use of one is quite limited - and I tend to avoid it! But like you say, it's useful to use one every now and again.
Hi SanMagic,
It's really interesting to hear your thoughts on other people potentially not wishing to know more about their issues - at least not in any depth - I think that for me, I was 'unaware' for many years - and feel as if my parts had compartmentalised themselves so that I wasn't 'able to' see things that had happened to them, and wasn't able to understand - but I'm beginning to communicate with them now, and I can see things better - although it's still a foggy terrain at times - and I am unsure what is hidden in some of the recesses - that's for sure. But I recognise that I've got some protector parts and also 'eraser' parts who don't feel I can cope with some of the things - I recognise that too. I think I'm making more links and realising more things - and I'm thankful about that.
:hug: :hug: to you both, Blueberry & SanMagic, and thanks for your replies.
*****
Journal entry on 8th June 2018
Yesterday I experienced an EF (emotional flashback) whilst cooking - mainly because my partner asked a question about why I was adding an extra ingredient to something - and a 'fight part' within me leapt on him and reacted strongly - feeling as if he had massively criticised a little vulnerable part - I feel sure that is what happened. Also, the critical voice that I expressed to him, was very defensive and 'cutting' - and I realised it was mimicking how my NM would have criticised me when I was little and would have done something she didn't consider to be appropriate at the time. So I was able to see how this had repeated itself, by my 'fight' part or 'protector' part mimicking behaviour he/she had learned from seeing my NM and repeating it.
I talked about this whole scenario later - and apologised to my partner for my curt and horrible comment - and explained what I thought had happened, and he was very understanding about it. He could 'get it' and I was grateful that he did, and that he didn't think I was being 'over the top' in my need to explain - but I felt quite shocked by the strength of how that all happened in such a short space of time, and I wondered why my 'fight part' was so close to the surface to react as it did - but I had been reading Janina's book, and I think other memories had been stirred for my 'parts' and so maybe they were more active than normal.
There was also a section in the book where it talked about the complications of working with a therapist doing some of the parts work - in that a therapist might collude with a particular fragmented part - and it could get out of hand in that way - and it spoke about how therapists should be careful not to do too much or too little to support the client - especially as they'd be on holiday or away and out of view for much of the client's time, and that essentially the therapist needed to encourage the client to do much of the work themselves - and that reassured me that I can do this work by myself - because hopefully I can learn to protect and support all the fragmented parts - and not rely on working with a therapist to do that. I realise I've not worded that very well - and I hope it doesn't come across as sounding arrogant, but I've read a lot about people's experiences with therapists, and I also recognise that there aren't many therapists trained to work specifically with people with C-PTSD - and therefore to try to get a 'good enough' therapist - sounds like a mine-field.
I know I have a therapist I could see (privately) if I need to - I've looked at my finances and worked out I could afford to - which I wasn't sure about before - and knowing that if I get into difficulty and feel I need support - I will contact to seek therapy again - but in the meantime, I do feel that I'm pacing myself, using grounding techniques and also I'm lucky to have an extremely supportive partner - and some good friends too - so I am lucky.
I feel like I've got a framework now that I can work within, and I feel like I'm making some progress - I am glad to be able to write so positively today - I feel stronger. I hope this will last, and I suspect I'll have plenty of ups and downs - but overall - the path seems like it's one I can tread and find light and positivity along the path.
I think I may be avoiding some of the darker recesses - but I am beginning to look at those too - and get in touch with many emotions and feelings, and recognising different parts of myself that were silenced before.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 9th June 2018 - Possible trigger warnings ***** as what I'm writing about triggers me - so may trigger others.
Yesterday felt more like a 'roller-coaster' of emotions again - but probably because I was delving into things emotionally - and somehow feeling braver earlier in the day, meant I had strength to write about a few things, and I also started a book that Ah recommended called 'Stalking the Soul' which is about Emotional Abuse.
When I was reading it, I suddenly felt flooded with some very strong emotions - it was describing examples of people's relationships and examples of emotional abuse, and whilst I was reading, I was feeling over-whelmed with such strong emotions - and also a physical feeling of nausea - really strong. I'm not used to that feeling - it was sooooo strong. It shocked me.
As I read, I was thinking of examples from my FOO - and how my parents would exhibit such tension between them, and also often some very vocal stuff - such as screaming and shouting and attempts to control each other - and also more subtle and sinister behaviours which were hard to pinpoint, but which you could feel at a non-verbal level - insidious. Yuk.
Today I was talking to my partner about how my M never supported me during some difficult times when I was an adult - how most M's would have rushed to be with their daughter to help out in such a scenario, but how she never came to offer any help or support - at those times. Infact during our estrangement when we were VLC (very low contact) she actually accused me of 'crying on the phone all the time' - as if it was a real inconvenience for her to have to listen to me when I was upset. You know, it was so rare that I ever cried infront of her - and it was only because I was in such a desperate state when I was crying over the phone - and yet she couldn't be there for me, she wasn't capable of showing me maternal care and support. I had always been the parentified child, looking after her needs and my F's.
My partner told me that he thinks that my M just 'doesn't care about you' - and that's a very hard thing to realise - because I still keep holding onto thinking that some displays of 'gift-giving' or other stuff would show that she loved me - but actually it was always about controlling me. Making me do what she wanted me to do, and manipulating me to fit in with her needs.
These are very hard and tough realisations for me. I like to think that there is good in people - even those who show negative traits - and I know that my sister actually believes that our parents are 'evil' - she really believes that.
I don't believe they are evil - I think they are affected by their own issues - and that it's a generational thing passed down, and affecting so many - but I wonder why it is that my FOO don't seem to look at their own behaviour and don't seem to think they have ever done anything wrong. It's like they put it all on me - and think I am the one with the problems.
Yes, I do have problems, but I am trying to live my life in a positive way - I try to be kind to other people and look for the best in people - I am protective of my boundaries - because I do have the thought that essentially I need to protect myself. I feel some sense of co-dependency on my partner, but I believe that isn't a negative thing - I really think that we both care for each other and depend on each other for different things - and I think that's ok. I might not understand the term 'co-dependency' properly, as I know that it can have negative connotations, but I think I've been lucky to find someone who truely does love me and doesn't want to control me.
Whilst I was reading that book 'Stalking the Soul' - I began to feel over-whelmed, and thought that I needed to see a therapist - because I felt like I wasn't coping - but thankfully those feelings passed, and today I feel more stable and calm.
I think I need to start to do some diagrams to look at the behaviour of my parents, and how they interacted with each other, and also in relation to my part in the family, and then that of my sister. I think it would be helpful to look at the things I've learned happened at different points in my childhood - which I can fill in thanks to my sister's recall of events - and also my own. I realise my sister has different perceptions of things - and that is to do with her having different experiences - but I also wonder if she experienced the 'eraser' part that I relate to - i.e. that it made her blind to some aspects - just as my 'eraser' part stopped me from seeing and feeling certain things - probably to protect me. She has ended up creating a very different 'world' around herself - with many unusual beliefs - and I can see why she's gravitated to such a world - as it was a way for her to cope. I don't judge her for it, but I know that her strength of belief in those things has prevented us from having an enduring relationship - we are estranged again ourselves.
And so estrangement is endemic amongst our family - across several generations - I can see how it happens.
Hope :)
Hope,
Quote from: Hope67 on June 09, 2018, 06:59:40 PM
My partner told me that he thinks that my M just 'doesn't care about you' - and that's a very hard thing to realise - because I still keep holding onto thinking that some displays of 'gift-giving' or other stuff would show that she loved me - but actually it was always about controlling me.
Wow that is a sad realization. I care for little Hope and big Hope too. The mama in me really cares for you and I wish I could give little Hope some of the care she deserved. :hug: Much love to to you sweetie. If my little one had a tummy ache I would cuddle him and give him some peppermint.
Take care,
Deep Blue
Hi Deep Blue, Thank you so much for your very lovely reply and for the hugs for Little Hope and Adult Hope - they are much appreciated - and :hug: to you too.
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Journal Entry for 11th June 2018
I've finished the book called 'Stalking the Soul' that Ah recommended - and it was a very very good book - although I was incredibly triggered by some of the chapters. But it was an 'eye-opener' to me and validated so many of my personal experiences - I can see that my FOO continually used 'emotional abuse' throughout my childhood and through much of my adulthood too - and would have continued to do so, if I'd still been in contact - so I am glad I was able to break-free. Also, I can see that in many ways I was an 'ideal victim' for them.
Anyway, reading that book made me feel quite shocked about how much I've been abused emotionally - and how I couldn't see that for so long. I still don't acknowledge the reality of it, and I still try to make excuses for them - but I am going to hopefully work on re-assessing some of my memories and experiences and re-framing them, in the new knowledge I've gleaned from that book - because I think it will be helpful to re-process in that way. I know it won't be easy though, as it caused me to feel very over-whelmed on occasions in the past days - but right now - I feel stronger - and I hope to hold onto that feeling and utilise it. I am keen to pace myself though - and maybe just 'sit with' these new realisations for a while, and allow them to be processed.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 12th June 2018
I had a weird experience yesterday - it was as if I contacted a wounded/fragmented part of myself that had been 'in limbo' - i.e. completely unconnected to me for many many years, but which held some memories that were recognisable to me. I realised that that particular part was feeling extremely depressed and withdrawn, and actually believed that she hadn't finished something that had involved a lot of work - and felt really devastated about that, and also felt as if she needed to take some medication, but had forgotten her tablets. I find this quite incredible, to think that it came to me like a massive flashback - and realisation that actually that part of me didn't realise that a) the thing she feared was unfinished 'had' infact been finished, and b) she didn't need to take any medication!
I know this must seem a strange thing to be writing about, but it's what happened, and it feels like a massive realisation to me. It's been very potent in giving me more 'hope' - I realise it is possible to connect to the wounded/fragmented parts - although at the same time, I realise it's a challenging ongoing process - and I mustn't get complacent about it.
Hope :)
That's some really good work Hope. Do you feel you were able to help that wounded part? You are doing a great job and I don't think you are complacent. Sending you much l love :hug: :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Thanks for your reply - and I tried to help that wounded part by telling her 'Yes, you did finish it' and I repeated it several times and hugged my body as I did so - to try to communicate it to her, and I also told her - 'You don't need to take medication anymore' - to reassure her of that as well. So I hope that she heard me - as I tried to convey those things and share that realisation.
Sending you love also, and thank you for your validating and helpful comments and support. :hug:
Hope :)
Actually it doesn't sound that strange to me Hope, as in don't worry, you're not going crazy. I learnt in Inner Child work that before the ICs get reintegrated they often don't know that time has moved on and that there's an Adult in charge now who has lived through all those dangerous, scary things, come out the other end and can defend herself much better than the 4 year old or 12 year old or whatever. This being 'in limbo' sounds to me as if it could be similar. :hug:
Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for the validation, and also for confirming about what you learned from Inner Child work - I had also read that in Janina's book - so it was helpful and enabled me to try to communicate with that part that feels in limbo - but I must admit that I have no idea if she actually 'heard' me or not. I am however just going with the flow and remaining 'curious' and trying to keep connected to my ICs - and keeping the door open for them to share whatever they want with me. I think it is a good approach, and so far it's proving to be helpful.
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Journal Entry for 13th June 2018
Managing to do more things than usual - and that feels good.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on June 13, 2018, 11:41:43 AM
Managing to do more things than usual - and that feels good.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: (It always feels really good for me too, managing more than usual.)
Hi Hope,
I am just popping by to say hello and offer a :hug:
I hope today will be a good day for you!
Sceal
Hi Blueberry & Sceal - I appreciate your replies and comments, and thank you for the hug too - sending a hug back to both of you :hug: :hug:
****
Journal Entry on 14th June 2018
I shall be away from the forum for a couple of weeks - it's going to be a much needed break - in terms of doing some travelling and exploring some new places - a holiday - and I won't be able to access the internet much during that time, so I doubt I'll get chance to pop in here - but in anycase, I know it will be good for me to 'take a break' from lots of things - and then I can return hopefully with some fresh feelings and right now I'm preparing my 'parts' to accompany me on this holiday - and know that we'll all be together and hopefully enjoying it.
I will be back sometime in July - probably the first week of July - but maybe mid-July, that will depend on whether we extend our trip or not. There is that option - but I'll see how it goes.
I'll miss people here - but will look forward to reading people's Journals and posts and catching up when I get back.
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Have a safe adventure! :hug:
Enjoy the traveling! So much love to you darling
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi SanMagic, Sceal & Deep Blue,
Thank you so much. It's warmed my heart to see your lovely replies - I am back safe and sound from my travels. It's good to be here again and re-connect with this amazing place.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 3rd July 2018
I am back after a holiday - I feel better for it. It was good to see different things, and connect with new people - even though I find doing that a little challenging on occasions. I managed to cope ok! I am glad that we went.
I found it hard to return - because when I get back home, that's when it hits me that I am estranged from my FOO - and even though I know that it's my choice to be 'estranged' - it highlights the fact that it is the reality of the situation. That is how it is.
I got back yesterday and I was tired - I felt a sense of loss - but as the day has gone on today - I think I am feeling better - I think I am feeling a bit stronger in myself than I had been previously - so that's a good feeling. Maybe I can get more things done now I'm back - establish a good routine - and make some progress on things. I'll see how it goes.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 4th July 2018
It is so hot this evening - I am sweating. I've been out for a walk this evening, and it was very nice. Chance to enjoy the air and think about a few things. I got more things done today - which is good. Being away on a holiday - it has helped me to relax - but whilst I was away, I also felt some tension some days - and found some days more challenging than others. In terms of 'befriending my parts' - I found that my 'depressed teenage self' seemed to join me for some time - and when that part was around, she made me want to sleep more and shut-down. Also, there were a couple of nights when she was more active in my sleep - and I felt just incredibly 'angst' and 'depression' - it was so heavy - it was like she was wailing - and I feel sure that one night I was literally crying in my sleep. I have woken before to find my bed-clothes wet from tears - I really think I might have wailed and cried that night.
But rather than feeling scared or worried by those experiences, I am embracing them, and trying to take an 'interested perspective' whereby I think about the meaning of it, and try to understand my wounded part who feels so desperate. Who communicates her feelings by wailing and crying and by shutting down and sleeping. It helps - I also found that I connected more with the excited child-like parts of myself - who wanted me to have ice-creams and other fun stuff whilst on holiday - and saw the sights and sounds with fresh eyes, because now at least they are with the adult self who is caring and listens to them, rather than wants to shut them down, and stop them from enjoying themselves.
Unfortunately I am feeling fatter now - because I did eat too much. So I would like to try to do something about that. Not sure what yet - but having a walk this evening was a good start - made me feel better.
I recognise a great strength in myself - I don't feel so vulnerable right now - I felt vulnerable for quite a long time in various ways before - I'm noticing a shift in that. Like a different perspective. It's positive and I hope to hold onto it.
I am starting a Gratitude diary again - I had started one previously but then forgot to write in it - I'm hoping to do better this time. Stick with it this time. I think it's a good idea. I am aware that my inner and outer critics can be unkind sometimes, and therefore I need to notice the things I do that are ok. Mention them in my Gratitude diary and think about what difference they have made to my day - because they do make a difference.
My holiday meant I didn't bring any self-help books with me - so it was time away from that kind of reflection - but I was trying to experience things 'in the moment' and savour experiences. That was a good process.
There are a few stressful things I need to deal with this week - in terms of communications with some people in my life - and I'll see how that goes. But I am pleased that I'm not feeling fearful currently - and that's refreshing!
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 5th July 2018
This day has actually been more productive than many before it, and yet I am feeling a strange sense of foreboding about it. Maybe it's because I never felt able to 'enjoy' accomplishing things - and would fear something would go wrong - I think that may be what it is. I've used my Gratitude diary to make a note of the positives from today - and I do feel so grateful that I managed to do quite a few things that I had put off previously - but somehow I can't 'feel' positivity for them. I did feel it for a few moments, but then the dread came over me.
I hope to shake it off - I think one of my wounded parts is uncomfortable about it, and I don't know who they are - i.e. I've not really worked out that part of myself - but I think they are there and I will communicate and hopefully help her to feel happier about the fact that I did some positive things today, and that it's ok.
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
Feeling for a few moments is better than not feeling at all! Especially if a part of you feels threatened by feeling. :hug:
Hi Blueberry,
You're right, it is good that I was able to feel those feelings for a few moments, and I hope I'll be able to allow myself to do so for further moments like that. Thanks for the hug, and sending one back to you :hug:
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 6th July 2018
I've been thinking about my sister this week, mainly because she contacted me again - via E-mail, but instead of writing anything - she merely forwarded an E-mail that was from one of the strange Conspiracy theorists - and basically it was this issue that caused us to break off contact previously - I guess that it was important for her to send me the latest information from that person, because maybe she thinks if I read it, then I'll somehow realise that the conspiracy theories that she clearly believes in 100% are true, and I'll 'see the light' - but the thing is that I think they are really strange ideas and beliefs, and I think that she should acknowledge that I have a right not to get involved with them.
It's more than that though - it's a feeling of loss about the fact I don't have a relationship with her that is workable - or sustainable. I realise that's not her fault, nor mine - we weren't allowed to develop a sisterly relationship - we were pretty much kept separate most of the early years we were in the same household, and for many of those years we were in different households - and then I didn't see her at all after I was 6 years old.
I think that she would write back to me if I made further contact, but I am concerned that if I do get involved in writing to her, that it will be too challenging for me - and I won't cope with it. Yet I am aware that her Birthday will come up soon, and I wonder whether to send her a card or not. I know she was thrilled when she got a card from me previously - to the extent that she was going to frame it as I'd put some photos together of us. So it meant a lot to her. It meant a lot to me too at the time, as we had finally re-established contact, but actually it's been very challenging to maintain that contact and I've not managed it.
My partner thinks it's not a good idea to re-establish contact, and I think he's right. But at the same time, I still sometimes wish that somehow I could establish 'some' contact - maybe not so intense.
It's difficult. I hope that I don't end up mulling this over too much over the next few weeks till her Birthday - as I'd like to be clear about what I would like to do. I don't think I am completely clear about it yet. I might try doing another 'letter to - not to send' in the other part of the forum, to try to work out my feelings more - but I don't know if that will work or not. I'm not sure.
I was doing some 'family history' research today - as there was a free session online with access to some birth, death and other records and I found someone had done a family tree containing some of my family members, and then I was wondering who that person was - whether she was a relative of mine. But my family seems too dysfunctional - so much estrangement across generations - it literally repeats itself from one generation to another - I found that I was dissociated for a while afterwards - it took me a while to re-focus, but I was glad to have recognised how I was feeling.
I'm not sure how I'm feeling right at this moment - which is why I thought I'd stop and write about things for a while here - as that gives me clarity sometimes and helps me feel better and able to look more at my thoughts and my feelings.
I'm glad I've written this and I'll hope to read it back on the weekend, and see how I'm feeling then as well.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 7th July 2018
I am just copying something I had written in another 'journal' that I have been keeping - as I wanted to include it here - and remember what I had said, so I'm copying and pasting it:
"I also read a book recommended by a member of the Trauma Forum called 'Stalking the Soul' by a French psychiatrist, and it was very good at covering the subject of Emotional Abuse – and I think that reading that triggered some repressed memories in me, and also helped me to understand that I have actually experienced emotional abuse at the hands of my parents – and that I infact made the perfect victim for them – enabling them to continue it for many years of my adult life in addition to my childhood. That makes me feel both shocked and also I feel manipulated. The book mentioned that it can be difficult for the 'victim' to feel and express anger, unless they are totally free from the control etc, and I certainly have found it very difficult to get in touch with my anger. It's like I still want to think the best of people – even those who have actually abused me. I want to make excuses for them – but essentially they have manipulated me to their own ends, and not considered me as a person with individual needs. My needs have been overlooked in preference to them meeting their own needs.
The book 'Stalking the Soul' goes into the ins and outs of 'Emotional Abuse' and I realise that my parents basically used tactics and strategies of emotional abuse towards me throughout – it was like they brain-washed me to be a 'controlled' little girl, who would meet their needs, and they gradually eroded my sense of identity and free-will. I actually relate to people who experience 'Stockholm Syndrome' - because my captors were literally people I was supposed to love and who were supposed to care for me and have my best intentions at heart – but clearly they had narcissistic drives to ensure their needs were paramount and that I was there to serve their needs. Not a good thing – in any way."
It's strange, that I often look at things I've written before, and think to myself - did I really write that? I know I did, but somehow I'm not always 'aware' at the time - and when I read it back, I'm sometimes impressed that I am articulate. Because many times, I feel like I'm not articulate at all, and I struggle to think of things to say.
Anyway, what I wrote above, I very much relate to - and it makes sense, and I am grateful to the person who recommended the book. I think it was 'Ah' but I can't remember for sure...
I've had further thoughts about my sister - and this time I am thinking that she only shared the information in the Conspiracy E-mail because the people who believe in these set of 'beliefs and values' are being encouraged to share it - and I saw she's put a link on her Facebook to all her friends there - and I read the content of it there, and even the words said that if a person was reading it now, then it was because of the good work of those who are attempting to share it. Hence I think that she was sharing it because she's been told to - by whoever is heading up those Conspiracy theories, and not because she essentially cares about me.
I could be doing her a disjustice here, I know that, but the thing is that I experience some feelings of guilt about not being able to maintain good contact with her - I often see those programmes on TV that are about 'long lost families' meeting up, and how emotional it is for them - but I wonder how many instances there are which don't work out well - do they also feature those? I don't think so - I think they tend to show the ones where things turned out well - and people were so happy to be reunited.
I dislike the cynical tone that I can feel coming into this writing just now - because I don't like to be 'cynical' - but at the same time, I can't help feeling some cynicism here.
I wonder if I should have tried to seek some help when I was tracing my sister - I feel sure there were some contact details for potential counsellors at the time - as I traced her via the Salvation Army Tracing service, and I remember the letter having some contact information on it - and I didn't pursue that side of it.
Why not? Because again, I find it hard to trust - maybe that is it. I don't know.
I am still feeling quite 'up and down' emotionally as a result of doing more research in the ancestry side of things - as I have found out some new things in relation to my ancestors, and some of them are more perplexing and difficult to understand. It's like trying to get to the bottom of some bizarre detective novel, with many clues but nothing that 'adds up'. I feel like I keep finding things, and then I can't quite make the links between things. I can jump to some conclusions, but of course can't be sure if I'm right or wrong about those conclusions.
Also, I've been aware that I've been starting to dream more at night, and they have been quite vivid dreams - thankfully not like the nightmares or night terrors I used to experience - I've not had one of those for quite some time now - so that is an improvement, but I feel like there are some changes in my subconsious, and they are causing me to dream more. I think I might keep a dream diary again - as I can't recall the dreams so well - but if I do a diary of them, then I'll be able to see what themes are there.
It's been good to write this.
Hope :)
Hi Hope.
I have just caught up with your posts from the past few days.
What really struck me, because it felt so familiar, was your discussion about positivity followed by negative feelings. That's something I have become more and more aware of recently. I set out to do something because I want to. I do it, but the fact that I did it, almost makes it feel worthless and negative. Sometimes, even the decision to do something makes it the wrong decision, because it was my decision. It's so tiring. It must come from childhood conditioning, where everything we did or didn't do, was always absolutely wrong. Now I have noticed this, I am mindful of sticking with my initial decision and not letting me talk myself out of it. Does that make sense, I wonder? You are so right - it's hard to hold onto the positivity. For me, it's because I don't trust myself.
Your thoughts about your sister seem to echo this as well. You question whether you have made the right decision and are then looking for external evidence for or against the decision. I certainly do that too.
It's all such a hard slog, isn't it? But I think you are making good progress and helping me and others too, along the way.
Hoping you are OK with this heatwave.
Take care.
Libby
Hi Libby,
It's great to hear from you, and thank you so much for your reply here - it helps me a lot to know that you relate to the discussion about 'positivity followed by negative feelings' and to know it's a theme for you too. I think your thoughts about it make sense - that it must come from childhood conditioning, and I am glad that you're not going to let it stop you from doing things - and that you'll hopefully stick more with your initial decision on things. Not letting yourself talk yourself out of it. Good luck with doing that. I know it's not easy. But being aware of something - it certainly helps - and we can only pursue things and try them out. I agree with you that it's a hard slog, but at the same time, I think we're both making progress - I hope you feel the same. :) I noticed that you wrote somewhere else that you sometimes wonder what you offer to the forum, but I would say to you - you offer so much that has been really helpful to me - and I am really glad you're here - your replies and also your posts have been really helpful to me, at many levels - so :hug: to you, Libby, and thank you for all you say and do.
The heatwave is hard to cope with - I am trying to keep hydrated and as cool as I can, but I'm sweating the whole time... I guess we're all in that one sticky boat, on that one.
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Journal Entry for 8th July 2018
I've just written another 'letter not to send' regarding my sister, in the hope that I will get some clarity regarding my feelings - and what came out of it initially was that I had thoughts spring to my mind that it wasn't a good idea to make contact with her again. But I will mull those thoughts over, and re-read the letter later in the week, as I have plenty of time to consider this. I want to make a decision about whether to send her a Birthday card or not - and her Birthday is later in the year. She didn't send me one for my Birthday this year - but she had sent me a Christmas card, and I hadn't reciprocated with a Christmas card, so it was me who broke the return of cards - but it was because she had been quite aggressive and cold in a previous communication, and had made no comment about that when she sent the card.
Interesting that as I write that, I feel as if it looks quite 'petty' - but it feels so much more than that - I think she is quite a complex person and her beliefs are incredibly different from most people I've met in my life - I like to think I'm open-minded about things, but her belief system is really diverse.
Anyway, at least I wrote something, and I can now see how I feel after a while.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 9th July 2018
I am finding it hard to cope with this heat - it is getting hotter and hotter. Sweating all the time.
I spoke about my sister to someone who I have met online - i.e. never met, but have struck up a pen-friend kind of relationship with, and I told her about my sister, and some of her beliefs, and also about my dilemma about whether to send a Birthday card, and whether or not to re-connect or not.
I found her reply to me very surprising as she said that she wouldn't send a card, if she were me - that she thinks that my sister is 'mentally unstable' and that I should protect myself and 'keep away' - that was so surprising to me that she would be so open and forthright in her opinion, and that she'd express it so openly too. But that the same time, I am aware that she has also got some estrangement history in her own family, and therefore, maybe she has trodden that path and is giving a clearer opinion than most people might.
I found it interesting that my reaction to that - was that I felt a little more sure that I won't be sending a card to her, and I won't be re-opening communication. I feel like that today - whether that will remain the case, I don't know - but I just wanted to share that here - as it was really interesting to hear her views.
I know that I should make my own decisions about things, but essentially it's tough to know what I want, or what is good for me, and at the same time I don't want to hurt or offend other people either - the last thing I would want to do is hurt/offend my sister either - and that is why I tried my best to be respectful of her opinions and her lifestyle, even though I found it quite a bizarre one.
I have ordered a book - yes, another self-help book - I saw it recommended in the forum by another member, but unfortunately at this moment I can't remember the name of it, except that it is about CSA, and when I looked at it online - it looked like the prefect book for me - at this moment in time. I feel as if I can finally cope with reading something like that, when previously I have avoided doing so, through not feeling able to cope. I feel stronger at the moment, and I feel like I 'need' to face many things and hopefully process things - I have been reading what Eyessoblue has said in some of her replies to people about her 'inner child' work that she's doing, and I really relate to that - as it is something that Janina Fisher talked about in her book on 'Fragmented parts' and also Penny Parks - who wrote a book about CSA many years back.
I have been trying to communicate and open the door for my small wounded parts to communicate, and indeed, parts of any age within me, and I feel I am making some progress. I felt like a very small part - a very little Hope - was communicating to me yesterday - showing me things she used to enjoy - I was glad that she had enjoyed some things - I hope to write more about my connections with these wounded parts - as I feel like that would be beneficial to 'write about it' - and keep it in this forum, where I feel it is safe to express these things. It feels so much better to be able to be open about things - and to think that for years and years I always kept things to myself - unable to share - I find that amazing how I endured those years with no one to confide in. I realise I was stuck in the 'fear' 'obligation' and 'guilt' of thinking I was on this earth to keep my FOO happy, and now I realise that I was misplaced in doing that - they never had my best interests at heart - and infact they didn't respect the boundaries of caring for a child - they invaded my space at so many levels.
Hope :)
Reading your post here suddenly reminded me of a helpful saying which I came up with at some point in healing: "If the answer isn't definitely 'Yes', then it's 'No.' " It may not always be true, but it still does help me with decision-making sometimes. It stemmed from an incident when I paid attention to my logic and to 'should' and did not pay attention to what my body was telling me (pick up Little Furry and leave the vet's).
Re: hurting your sister. She can choose whether or not to feel hurt. It's not as if you're really close and her last missive to you wasn't very friendly or caring either. There are years in the future too...
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much - this is so helpful. I like the saying you mentioned - and I feel sure you've said it before - in a previous post or reply - and it made sense then as well as now. I think it's really useful. You're also very astute in your mention that my sister can choose to be hurt or not, and that we are not really close - and yes, her last missive to me wasn't at all friendly or caring - I also thought that the fact she just forwarded an E-mail (containing weird Conspiracy stuff) without any attempts to make any positive comments in sharing that - it shows a lack of consideration for my feelings, and I have the right to feel some hurt about that.
Plus, you're right, there are still years in the future too - all being well - and so I can always think about that - and act accordingly - to how I feel. It is a good realisation.
I really appreciate your comments here - thank you! :hug:
Hope :)
hey, hope,
sometimes it's the people we don't expect, aren't the closest to, who can be more honest in their assessment of our situations because their perspective isn't as clouded with past history, baggage, etc. i like that she was able to be open about what she thought of the situation.
i've also heard something similar to what blueberry said about making decisions. if there is any hesitation in saying no, it gives others an opening to try to wear us down again and again. in this case, those 'others' would be the old messages we grew up with, the ones that didn't have our best interests at heart.
i also agree with bb about you not having any intent on hurting your sister with your decision not to send a card. she may feel hurt, angry, maybe even relieved - we really don't know how any person might react to something we say or do. all we can control is our intent, and if your intent is self-care, which is really important, then you need have no guilt over how she might choose to feel.
here's hoping your new venture into otherwise unexplored areas with your little you's goes smoothly and serves a positive purpose for all involved. i have no doubt you'll take care of all the little hope's who might be affected. may i suggest you go slowly, take time to process and rest and grieve. i would guess that it could be difficult terrain at times. love and hugs to you all, sweetie.
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for your comments here - and for validating the things that Blueberry said too - it's so helpful to hear both your perspectives and I appreciate it so much. Also, your mention of 'intent' and of preserving 'self-care' - that makes sense too. Thank you also for the suggestion to take things slowly, take time to process and rest and grieve. I will do my best to heed that advice.
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Journal Entry for 10th July 2018
Today has been quite a heavy one emotionally for me - mainly because I was sorting out some things, and ended up looking at old notes and documents that I had from my work - and it opened up some memories from that time, and reminded me of just how tough that time period had been - I really struggled at certain points, and I had written about the experience of that - so it was eye-opening to read that back, and realise just what I'd been through. I realise that my tendency to dissociate means I can 'forget' what things were like, but I can also be reminded from cues and reminders from the past. Anyway, it's been tough today. But I'm glad I did it, because I was trying to tidy and sort through - to get rid of things I no longer need - and it makes me think that maybe that's why I had put it off for so long - because I couldn't cope before now with the emotional process of doing it.
I will take my time, and try to do a bit more each day - and it's a reasonable plan.
My mind has gone blank now, so I'll leave it there.
Hope :)
I wanted to put a link to an article I read today, which I found really helpful - it's by Karyl McBride and is about "How Narcissistic Parenting Affects Children" and I relate to all the points she listed in that article. I felt strongly that I would like to keep a copy of it here in my Journal, because it's so pertinent to me and my feelings.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/how-narcissistic-parenting-affects-children
So how does narcissistic parenting affect children?
• The child won't feel heard or seen.
• The child's feelings and reality will not be acknowledged.
• The child will be treated like an accessory to the parent, rather than a person.
• The child will be more valued for what they do (usually for the parent) than for who they are as a person.
• The child will not learn to identify or trust their own feelings and will grow up with crippling self-doubt.
• The child will be taught that how they look is more important than how they feel.
• The child will be fearful of being real, and will instead be taught that image is more important than authenticity.
• The child will be taught to keep secrets to protect the parent and the family.
• The child will not be encouraged to develop their own sense of self.
• The child will feel emotionally empty and not nurtured.
• The child will learn not to trust others.
• The child will feel used and manipulated.
• The child will be there for the parent, rather than the other way around, as it should be.
• The child's emotional development will be stunted.
• The child will feel criticized and judged, rather than accepted and loved.
• The child will grow frustrated trying to seek love, approval, and attention to no avail.
• The child will grow up feeling "not good enough."
• The child will not have a role model for healthy emotional connections.
• The child will not learn appropriate boundaries for relationships.
• The child will not learn healthy self-care, but instead will be at risk of becoming co-dependent (taking care of others to the exclusion of taking care of self).
• The child will have difficulty with the necessary individuation from the parent as he or she grows older.
• The child will be taught to seek external validation versus internal validation.
• The child will get a mixed and crazy-making message of "do well to make me proud as an extension of the parent, but don't do too well and outshine me."
• The child, if outshining the parent, may experience jealousy from the parent.
• The child is not taught to give credit to self when deserved.
• The child will ultimately suffer from some level of post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and/or anxiety in adulthood.
• The child will grow up believing he or she is unworthy and unlovable, because if my parent can't love me, who will?
• The child is often shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent and will grow up with poor self-esteem.
• The child often will become either a high achiever or a self-saboteur, or both.
• The child will need trauma recovery and will have to re-parent themselves in adulthood.
I really feel like I relate to each and every one of these things - I will need to think about these - it's a lot to take in, but I'm grateful to see a list like this.
Hope :)
Goodness, Hope. A big tick for every one on that list for me, and exactly the same for you, I imagine. It really hits home when you have all of the effects of terrible parenting listed together.
We've clearly done well, to survive as we have.
Thanks for reproducing this.
Libby
Hi Libby,
The entire article is in Psychology Today and was posted in February 2018 by Karyl McBride - I've read one of her books in the past, and it was really helpful to me. So I look out for her writing, and she sent it out in a link today - from her E-mail distribution.
Libby - I also put a very large tick against each and every point on the list. I agree that it really hits home to see the list, and realise the impact.
You're right, we've clearly done well to survive this. I am grateful that I can finally 'see' this, and realise the impact - I am trying to come to terms with so many elements, but feel hopeful that realising the impact and understanding it more, can help to navigate a way through it.
:hug: to you Libby.
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Journal entry for 11th July 2018
I am grateful to have seen the list that I copied and pasted from Karyl McBridge about Narcissistic Parenting and the effects on children of such parenting. I am grateful to Kizzie for explaining about 'covert' NPD - that makes sense completely. She mentioned that in another thread - and it was very helpful.
I think that I might be able to use the list in relation to exploring the experiences of my various wounded/fragmented parts - as it will help me to re-process some things from the perspective of being more aware of the impact of their behaviour towards me, and the things they told me. Things they expected of me. Pressures I felt.
I am waiting for my new book that I've ordered about CSA to arrive, it has been shipped off and hopefully will arrive in the next couple of days. It's got a similar name to the one that Pete Walker wrote - i.e. 'Surviving to Thriving' but the subject matter is CSA, and I saw it recommended by someone in the forum, and when I looked at the content online, I thought it looked like it would be really helpful to me. I feel more ready to read such a book now - at least that is how I feel 'today' - I hope to take it slowly and pace myself.
I did a bit more sorting out of papers and stuff - and made some progress on that. It didn't feel so emotional as it had yesterday, but mainly because the things I looked at weren't so emotionally charged - I've put off doing things like this for so long, and it's good to finally be able to do something and make some progress on it.
Hope :)
i'm so glad you feel like you're making progress, hope. that's great to hear. and also that you're getting ready to take on the info in the new book you're waiting for. i hope it goes well for you, i really do. love and hugs, sweetie.
Hi SanMagic,
I am not sure how much I 'believe' that I'm making progress really - I 'say' that I am, and there is part of me that thinks I am, but the other parts are quite unsettled by it, and I am therefore being careful - I am aware that my emotions are very 'up and down' - and easily triggered, but that's nothing new - that is how it's been for ever really - although I realise that there were chunks in my life when I was most likely dissociated or coping and just unaware - even saying that, I'm not sure it's 'true' - I think I am less sure today. But I thank you so much, SanMagic, for the love and hugs, and sending them back to you as well :hug: Hope you're enjoying your new home. Thinking of you.
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Journal Entry for 12th July 2018
I have noticed that I've been having quite realistic dreams this past few nights - including people who were colleagues from work, and I've been in different situations. Can't really see any themes to the dreams, but I've not really sat back to try to work them out - I've just been surprised by the fact I'm dreaming more. I am thankful that I've not experienced any night terrors - I used to have them frequently at one point, but not had one for a long time now.
I am feeling 'unsettled' today - also, although I said I related to each and every one of the points on the list that I quoted above - I am also aware that it was hard to read it, and my mind was rushing off elsewhere - I was shocked by some of those points - and there are some truths within those realisations that I'm not sure if I'm ready to acknowledge yet. I need to be careful and pace myself.
I guess I feel a bit over-whelmed.
But I'm ok. Will see how the day pans out.
Hope :)
hey, hope,
i see the progress in you, even if you can't distinguish it for yourself. the way you dealt with that whole 'sister' thing, all of that was a sure sign of progress to me. you've taken steps to let your partner see your vulnerability a bit more than you had in the past. that's progress. you're taking steps to move forward with a new book, looking at new information to learn from. that's also progress. you weren't ready to do that 6 mos. ago.
i think some of your parts may be feeling distress because you are moving forward, you're making changes, and it's new to them. new is often scary, as are changes. as you continue integrating them into this new version of hope that you're building, they'll become more comfortable with it along with you.
i think you're doing really well, hope. i hope that you'll be able to see it soon, too. love and hugs.
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much - you've helped me a lot in what you said - it is hard to appreciate progress - but hearing you say what you did, it helps me to see that I 'have' made progress. There 'is' a part of me that 'can' acknowledge that, but you're right, there are so many other parts that are younger and more vulnerable and they are scared about these new changes and realisations, but I am going to take your advice and pace myself and take things a day at a time.
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Journal Entry on 13th July 2018
My new book has arrived today - it's still in its brown cardboard wrapping - and I am excited about the fact it is here - but also feeling some caution too - as I know it will most likely be quite challenging to focus on the information I know it will contain. But I 'do' feel more ready to approach reading that book - I feel better than I did 6 months ago - I feel stronger. So I think I am 'ready'. But I'll take my time, and I'll try my best to pace myself and not over-do it.
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
I just wanted to send you a :hug: and let you know that I'm reading the body keeps the score upon your suggestion.
I'm taking it slow, just as you are. Good job to bite off manageable pieces.
Much love to you darling :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Thank you so much for the hug and sending you one back :hug: - glad that you're reading 'The Body Keeps the Score' and great that you're taking it slow - just as I am with the book I've just started. I like your analogy of biting off manageable pieces - that's really good advice. Much love to you too. :hug:
*****************
***Potential trigger warning as mentioning 'childhood abuse'
Entry on 13th July 2018
I have started the book by Mary Bratton which is for Survivors of Childhood Abuse, and I had a powerful reaction from my body to just the first couple of pages - i.e. I felt physically sick and as if I had a heavy lump in my mouth and throat - nausea feelings, and I felt 'choked up' (literally). It wasn't that she wrote of anything in a graphic way, or an upsetting way, it was purely my body reacting - and I have felt that feeling before - in certain circumstances, and I think it represents a wounded/fragmented part of me that can't communicate with words - and has a very physical reaction - but that's just how I'm interpreting the situation currently.
Anyway, usually with such feelings I would 'push them down' and try to distract myself - but this time, I actually talked to my partner and told him that I'd started reading the book, and that it had made me feel physically sick, and I started to cry as I told him this, and he hugged me, and just talking about that emotion and that experience, rather than pushing it back down, I think it was a good thing.
I was able to go back to the book later, and to read more. I think it's a good book - it's about any form of childhood abuse - i.e. physical, emotional, sexual - rather than any specific type - and that's good, because I feel I've suffered a few types. Mainly emotional and sexual - with the 'threat of physical' - although there was some physical too.
In the 'preface' of the book, Mary Bratton wrote "Survivors of childhood abuse are profoundly normal and absolutely extraordinary. They are incredibly resilient and resourceful, not despite their childhood experiences, but because of them" - I think this is such a positive re-framing of experience. I really like it.
She goes on to say "The question is not "What's wrong with me?" The questions are "How did I get this way?" and "How do I need to change?"
She then says "Workable and experiential exercises for each stage of healing facilitate reframing of self-experience, allow completion of interrupted, frozen trauma, and directly target areas of developmental loss."
She states that "Trauam is experienced actively, and it must be actively unblocked and resolved."
In particular I want to repeat the sentence she said in p.3 of the book, which is "When processing is blocked by family denial, intimidation, secrecy, and shame, then the trauma becomes frozen in the shock stage - not finished, not diminished, not integrated. It may loom large in the conscious landscape, or it may be remembered only vaguely, but it continues to dominate the behaviour, feelings, and thinking of its victim. It influences relationships, choices, and beliefs."
I found this next sentence extremely interesting: "By the time the adult survivor reaches therapy, the tentacles of trauma extend deep into life patterns and self-image. Telling the story is no longer enough to resolve the trauma."
p.17 also resonated with me, where she mentioned "Survivors have disconnected feeling words from what is happening inside their bodies. They have pretended that they couldn't feel for so long that they have, in fact, become numb and unfeeling."
I relate to that - I have a disconnect with my 'feelings' to the extent that it can take a while for me to even experience the temperature of water - I can tolerate incredibly hot water in a bath for example, and also very cold water too - it's as if I just don't 'feel' the true intensity of the temperature.
The book is suggesting that therapy needs to be "active and experiential" - as she said that "The trauma was experienced viscerally and physically, and it cannot be unfrozen and resolved without a return to the physical and visceral".
She talks for rules governing childhood of "Dont' talk, don't feel, and don't trust." - I really relate to that!
I just wanted to write a few snippets of what I've read - in this journal today - to remember what was meaningful. I feel very floaty and spaced out now though - dizzy actually. But it is very hot, so I am also aware that I may be a bit dehydrated and I'm going to get a drink to cool down.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 14th July 2018
It's Saturday - and I am pleased that I managed to cope with starting the book yesterday - it was a powerful experience, at many levels - but I feel it was ok. My sleep last night was ok - I noticed that if I opened my eyes in the dark, then I could see various visual things - there was even an area near the window that looked like a massive TV screen - and if I looked at that, then various visual images would 'come' there - but I didn't really want to focus on those things - as I view them as some kind of hallucinatory experience that happens during what I read was the 'hypnogogic state' - and I know that if I close my eyes, then I don't experience them.
But it was interesting as I'd not experienced them for quite some time - but I guess it was because I was reading a new book that I feel a little 'scared/cautious' about reading. However, I am also telling myself I'm doing ok. I still feel stronger in myself, and that's a positive feeling.
I would like to do some more relaxing things today - and treat it as a weekend - which it is. So I'm going to try to relax - it's a very hot day.
I feel like my writing is 'stilted' today - anyway, I am glad I've got that new book - and I am trying to keep the 'befriending of my parts' work that Janina Fisher explained about fresh in my mind, as I am still listening to them, and paying attention to any experiences within myself that communicate things. Yes, my writing feels like I'm wading through treacle here - I don't feel I'm expressing myself very well. I think I'll stop writing now - but I'm trying to say that I am feeling ok today - overall.
Before I forget, I do want to perhaps write a few things that 'Little Hope' has been sharing with me - and so writing this here, now, will remind me to do that soon - I know that LIttle Hope appreciated my sharing some of her memories in the forum, and somehow writing them down in this place helps her to process them, and helps me to hear her more - if that makes sense.
Hope :)
sounds like you're really moving forward with everything hope. i'm very happy for you for that. well done. and little hope is always welcome - i think it's great that she finds this forum helpful for her, too. love and hugs, sweetie.
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you. :) Love and hugs to you. :hug: I think I am moving forward. So far, so good.
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Journal Entry for 15th July 2018
**Trigger warning - reading a book about Childhood abuse, so content of this entry may mention things relating to that.
Starting to read the new book by Mary Bratton - and so far, it's been ok - I felt some powerful feelings, both mentally and physically - but this morning, I feel more 'at peace' somehow. I think doing the experiential exercise - was helpful - writing about why it wasn't my fault, and also acknowledging actions by my FOO as 'assault' - it highlighted to me that I've minimised and also tried to intellectualise about their behaviours, and much of my fragmentation and pushing emotions down, has been to defend myself and refuse to acknowledge the horror of knowing that essentially they weren't there for me - not in any meaningful sense. I still feel like my emotions are 'distant' - and I'm not really in touch with them.
Some things I read that were particularly relevant include:
"It is not the violation itself that causes the deepest damage; it is the lack of protection, the secrecy, the inability to surface and get help that devastates."
"When an umbrella of family dysfunction overlays the trauma and forbids telling, feeling, or trusting, the trauma is frozen and encapsulated - locked away in a little mental box in a far corner of the mind. It can't be talked about. It can't be dealt with and resolved. Secrecy leads to shame. The attacker's guilt becomes the victim's shame, creating a legacy of self-condemnation and isolation."
I also related to the 'role reversal' part that she mentioned, whereby Mary Bratton says "When parents are inadequate as a result of their own history of sickness, when parenting is uneven or non-existent because of family dysfunction, all children become parentified to some extent.... If nothing else, children have to fill the gaps and parent themselves when appropriate parenting is missing."
She says "Abuse plus dysfunction equals destruction"
I particularly relate to this:
"To survive, children have to buy into the family's denial, minimizing, blaming, and rationalizing.... They have to learn not to feel. That's why survivors believe the abuse wasn't that bad. That's why they think it didn't affect them. That's why they doubt their own memories and wonder if they're not just exaggerating or imagining. The problem for most survivors is not that they don't know what happened; it's that they don't know what it means. That's why the first step in healing is defining the abuse as assault; that word allows clients to consider the feelings they had to suppress in order to survive, the feelings they have both a right and a need to feel to recover."
"The very fact of abuse devastates any child. But abuse combined with family dysfunction - the altered reality, minimizing, denial, blaming, rationalising, and redefinition of feelings and behaviour - keeps the abuse secret and completes the destruction of the child victim."
I relate to that sooooo much.
I'm going to take a break from the book for the rest of the day - because I want to let things settle in my mind. Dot-to-dots would be good - relaxing - and I have some chores to do as well.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
I just wanted to pop by and give you a :hug: , if today is a good day for hugs!
Thinking of you :)
Hi Sceal,
Today is the perfect day for hugs, and I really appreciate your hug, thank you. Sending one back to you too - I also think of you too - I've been a bit self-pre-occupied this past couple of days, but I am hoping also to pop into your Journal sometime soon to see how you're doing - but I think of you too, and appreciate that you came over to give me a hug.
:hug: to you, Sceal.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 16th July 2018
I am finding the new book quite challenging, because understandably it's bringing feelings and emotions to the fore - which normally would be tucked away - but I am finding that the book's content really makes so much sense, and it complements the book I was reading by Janina - in that it is along the same kind of lines - talking about fragmented parts, and how to communicate with the inner child, and also the adult, and also what Mary Bratton terms 'The Destroyer' - which I see as being similar to the 'outer critic' or the representation of all the things that FOO imparted - i.e. secrecy, rules, isolating me from help, brain-washing me.
It feels a bit over-whelming, and I have experienced some pains in my head occasionally - and waves of nausea too - and last night, whilst I was dozing in bed, and maybe during my sleep, I felt as if there was a fragmented part of me representing a very young child - possibly pre-verbal - who showed me 'sheer terror' 'fright' 'shock' - all of those things rolled into a strong and powerful feeling - it had foreboding with it - but I couldn't pin or attach it to any one thing, or any one memory - it was purely a 'feeling' - and it was like that part of me wanted to share it with me, to help me understand - and I do understand - because I am aware of snippets of memory, plus also the things my sister told me, and I know that my early childhood was particularly tense and there were some horrible things going on in the environment.
I admit I've read more chapters of the book than I probably should have done - i.e. rushed into continuing to read - and yet I've only done one experiential exercise - there were others and I kept reading, rather than try to do the next one - because I somehow wanted to know 'what lies ahead' - almost as if I didn't trust - I needed to know the outcome, the path, and where the book would lead me. But that feels ok too - and I will then re-read bits, and then do the exercises - I think that's ok. I won't avoid doing the exercises - like I have done with other books - I will do my best to 'do them' - because I know that I want to heal and progress and I think that I am making some progress. I can see light in this tunnel. So that is positive.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 17th July 2018
I just wanted to make a note of this here, because I think it will help me very much:
Mary Bratton wrote on p.184 of her book:
"Healing does not happen magically with one journal entry, or with one moment of reunion with the Child, or with one flash of insight into the workings of the Destroyer. Survivors were taught to devalue themselves over a period of years. The Child was forced underground, and the Destroyer was shaped by a series of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual assaults. Gradually, survivors retreated into the shell of self; they became chameleons; they had to surrender their right to think, to feel, and to be.
It will take time to resurrect that fallen self. It will take time to truly bond with the Child, to repair the damage, and to mount a defense against the Destroyer. If it took twenty years to destroy self-identity and self-esteem, it may take twenty weeks or even twenty months to rebuild."
I found that very helpful writing - and I am feeling I can relax the pace and give myself the time I need to do this work. It feels like the right path for me, and the right direction, and I know I've already made some progress - I can already see some positive changes. I am feeling positive just now.
Hope :)
Oh, that is a perfect quote to sum up the damage done by prolonged childhood trauma. It sounds like a very good book, but I can really relate to having to read ahead to see where it is heading. I would do that too, and then go back over it afterwards. I can't see that that is a bad thing at all.
Looking forward to hearing more about your experience with this new book.
Take care.
Libby.
Hi Libby - Thanks for your reply here, and I hope you're ok - I think of you often, and hope you're doing ok. Yes, it's a very good book, and I've nearly finished reading through it once - and I'm glad I did that, because now I know the journey it will take me, and I am ok with that - and then I can go through it again slowly and try out the experiential exercises - taking it at my own pace, which Mary Bratton says is so important to each person - to choose their own pace and work at their own level of comfort - it makes sense. I found it particularly validating to hear that you would also read the book through as well - to see where it was going, it made me feel so much better about having chosen that route myself. Thank you! I will hope to share my experiences and also intend to write out some of the exercises in different parts of the forum, as I feel it helps me to know I have done that, and that people can comment and those comments really help me too.
Hi BeHea1thy - Thanks so much for your comment, and I am going to embrace the hopes of resurrecting and building a bridge between my wounded fragmented parts and the adult I have become - in the hope of integrating and mending parts of all of me. Thanks so much for your reply here. I like your choice of name too - hope you don't mind my mentioning that.
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Journal Entry on 18th July 2018
I had a dream last night, which I know involved something quite intense, but I can't recall it - but the fact that I am dreaming more - makes me think that I am processing things in my sleep - and I think that's good - there is a lot going on in my mind - and during the daytime, I find that younger parts of me are showing me more and more snippets of memory - one of them has a pre-occupation with wall-papers - and things I've been watching on TV have featured some retro wall-paper prints - which I recognise from my childhood, and my littles are focusing in on those and other features in a scene. I think I need to start to write down the snippets in my paper diary - where I have diagrams of different ages - to see if I can build a picture up of what is being communicated there.
I wanted to jot a few things down from Mary Bratton's book - for reminders to myself - and from p.198 she has a section entitled "Using the split personas" (and I find that her language here relates to the wounded/fragemented parts that I learned about in Janina's book)
Just a few lines that resonate for me, and I'd like to write here to remind me:
"Survivors are the only ones who can truly reparent themselves through the feelings. They can protect better than anyone. They were there. They know what the Child missed and what the Child needs. The dissociation and fragmentation originally caused by the abuse now provides the perfect means for healing."
(I find that sentence to be one of great hope)
"Reparenting and protection is best accomplished by using the split personas that already exist. The Adult who moved out into the world, leaving the frozen Child behind, is the best parent available."
Especially hopeful is this sentence:
"As the Adult responds to the Child's pain, power increases, and the dispassionate observer becomes the compassionate parent. The Child can finally be heard and defended and freed from guilt."
p.205 of book:
"As the survivor proves to be a compassionate and caring parent to the Child, the Child will entrust more feelings to the survivor."
So, my thoughts about this week are that I am going to try to pace myself and firstly complete the first read-through of the book, and then I'll try one of the experiential exercises and just take my time and see how it goes. My partner is aware that I'm reading this book, and I've noticed that he does ask me if I'm ok, and how I'm doing with the book, so he is clearly looking out for me, and I appreciate his care in that way. I remember when I did have some counselling previously, that the counsellor told me that she thinks that I 'could do the therapy' as a result of being in a supportive and caring relationship - and I hold onto that - as I think she was right about that - I wasn't ready before, as I didn't have sufficient support.
I am however feeling quite tired and as if I am feeling some kind of underlying malaise - but Mary Bratton talked in her book of the fact that it can be draining and tiring - I think she said that - I can't remember her exact words. But I think maybe it's because I'm processing more things, and my body is reacting to that. It could also be dehydration - it is so hot, and whilst I am trying to keep cool and drink more, I still feel thirsty - which makes me think I'm still dehydrated. I'll stop and have a cup of tea or water.
Hope :)
Still 18th July 2018
I am finding that I seem to have evoked a part of me that is 'very active' - i.e. she is pushing me to do things and be much more active, and it reminds me of when I am feeling full of energy and able to function and cope - and it's the strong part of me that helped me to keep going - especially when I was working - and I know she is competent and vibrant, but actually today I have overdone things - and I ended up feeling so tired, over-whelmed and very nauseous - I think I may be suffering a bit from over-heating due to the sun, and dehydration - this reminds me of past times when I've 'tried too hard' and pushed myself too much - and then collapsed as no one can keep up that level.
Interesting, and I think that this part of me, the capable, busy and striving part - may represent something quite significant - i.e. she comes out when she thinks I need to do things, but maybe it's stopping me from slowing down and processing what I need to process to heal. So I am wary of this.
I have managed to finish the read through of Mary Bratton's book, and I am pleased with that - I am sure it will help me.
But I was looking at the Exercises that she wants people to do, and I felt myself feeling over-whelmed - almost as if I am too scared to do them. But I did that first one - and it was ok. But really I didn't 'feel' very much when I did it. I realise I am quite numb about my feelings, and I rarely experience anger, even though sometimes that is coming out.
I also realise that I am passive-aggressive in some of my interactions - maybe that is due to the anger coming out in indirect ways. I talked to my partner about it, and he surprised me, because when I asked him how often I exhibit passive-aggression - he told me 'very often' - this is surprising to me. I know that I 'do' show it, and especially with authority figures - I think it happens then, but I was surprised to hear my partner say that. But I told him I would like him to point out when I do it next time, so I can hopefully think about the situation and what happened.
I feel exhausted now - I don't think I'm very well physically - I have overdone things - I will try to rest and drink some water. I did lay down for a while this afternoon - and that was helpful.
Hope :)
So sorry to hear that you are feeling so rotten, Hope. I really sympathise.
Strangely enough (although maybe not so strange, as we often seem to have similar experiences), I have gone through four days of being really productive. I have always kept myself really busy, but since my therapy experience, I have been in a "what's the point" sort of mood. But just this week, I have been really busy with housework again. And like you, have clearly overdone it, feeling rotten and not sleeping. It feels like we can't find a good balance.
However, your discussion about different "parts" did make me think. I had to see my in-laws on Sunday. MIL was as cold and invalidating as ever, and I felt very triggered as ever. Then, on Monday, I start this housework overdrive. You've made me question myself about a link. I feel sure there is one, centred around a different part taking over. Thank you for that, Hope.
Your comments about passive aggression and authority also rang so many bells with me. My mother was the Queen of the passive-aggressive.
Anyway, I am hoping very much that you feel a little better today, and manage a balanced level of activity and productivity! Easier said than done. Don't forget the afternoon rest. I think that's a very good thing.
Take care.
Libby.
Thanks for the well wishes on the healing porch Hope. Much love to you sweetie. I'd say more... but I've been lacking words lately. So instead I'll just send you :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi Libby & Deep Blue,
Thank you so much for your replies here - I am finding it a bit tougher yesterday and today - but I'm doing ok. I hope to write more when I have a few more words.
But just wanted you both to know I appreciated your replies.
Hope :)
after living in the desert so many years, i, too, experienced heat exhaustion, and the docs told me the only thing that helps is to get as cool as possible (possible shower or bath), drink lots of water, and rest. that heat can be very taxing on the body. please, do take care of yourself.
what i found extremely hopeful in one of your quotes was that if the trauma lasted 20 years, healing from it may take 20 weeks or 20 months. the hopeful part i found was that it will not necessarily take another 20 yrs. to heal from it. at my age, that really does my mind good. thanks for that.
may i suggest you go very slowly with those exercises, especially if you're not physically well. they can be exhausting in their own right - lots of energy utilized by the mind to recognize, work on, explore, and process what they might suggest you do - and put that on top of physical exhaustion, i don't think it's a good thing for anyone.
going slow, as the author suggested, may include taking time to be in peak form physically and mentally/emotionally before you tackle exercises. that book seems like it had a lot of intense information in it, and it might take time just to get comfy knowing and absorbing it.
i hope you feel better soon, sweetie. stay as cool as you can, ok? love and hugs filled with cool breezes.
Hi Libby - wanted to go back to what you said in your reply - which I appreciated - when you said about noticing how you changed after being with your MIL (who was cold and invalidating) and then went into housework overdrive the next day - as if a different part/drive had taken over - I relate to that for definite - it's so hurtful when there is coldness or invalidation - and maybe some people can brush it off, but for the majority of people - or at least those who are more sensitive, it really can hurt. I am trying to get more balance and ensure that I don't overdo things - but it is tough. I know you are also going through a tougher time - and I am thinking of you. :hug: Libby.
Hi Deep Blue - I hope you're ok, and thank you for what you said. :hug:
Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much for sharing your experiences from the docs and what the doc said about heat exhaustion - it makes sense to me - and it has been sooooo hot - I have definitely been suffering from some dehydration - it has taken a toll on my body. I am going to take it easy over the weekend, and make sure I try to keep as cool as I can, and also drink fluids. I'm glad that you found the quote from Mary Bratton about how long it can take to heal from trauma as a positive - I also found that inspiring too. Yes, I will try my best to go slowly with the exercises - and thank you so much for your suggestions - I am going to 'take some time' to try to process things more - from the past reading I've done - and then when I feel a bit stronger, I'll have a go at another of Mary Bratton's experiential exercises. Thank you for the love and hugs filled with cool breezes, and sending lots of hugs back for you :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 21st July 2018
My focus this weekend is to recuperate and rest - trying to keep cool and hydrated - and just allowing my thoughts and feelings to be noticed, without any pressure - I might look for a book to read, but maybe a fiction related story - rather than my usual self-help focused reading. Something lighter and hopefully enjoyable. Maybe a walk, during the cooler times of day. I have social commitments tomorrow, but not today. So today is a day I can focus on recuperating. That feels good.
I had a dream the night before last, that I was crying in my sleep - and when I woke, it was clear that I had been crying - as the bed-clothes were damp from salty tears. I had felt unbelievably sad before going to sleep, but at the time, I had just acknowledged that sad part of myself and spoken kindly to her, telling her it was ok to feel sad - so I wonder if that then enabled her to cry and let the distress out. I think that was a positive thing. I'm glad I didn't try to push the emotion away, or distract myself - because I think it was good for that part of myself to cry and to grieve for whatever she was upset about.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better in myself today - and glad to have a plan to not put pressure on myself today - just recuperate and cope with the heat.
Hope :)
:thumbup:
Reading fictional books is good! Perhaps you should pick one up more often than you do, to relieve your brain from all of the self-help books. Entertainment and relaxing is just as an important stage of healing as doing therapy.
I'm also glad to hear that you're feeling a little better. I hope you have a wonderful week-end. :hug:
Sweet Hope,
You are amazing. Taking the time to wish me well while you are off kilter yourself. I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. I think I'm starting to come back too. Thanks for caring :hug:
Hi SanMagic, Sceal & Deep Blue,
Thank you all for your lovely replies and I appreciate your comments - very much. :)
I have been able to relax more this weekend. I am feeling a lot better than I was - and in the end I found a nice magazine to read - and read some now and again. I couldn't find a fictional book - but I will hope to get one - I have always struggled to read fiction books all the way through - I tend to end up with more than one, and never finish any of them, but I will try again.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 23rd July 2018
I still feel a bit over-whelmed - I think it's because there are so many fragmented/wounded/inner parts of me surfacing - and I am finally realising them - and beginning to recognise them, and also meet some of them for the first time - the other impact is that it is making me process earlier memories in different ways - and I suppose it's what Mary Bratton (whose book I'm reading currently) meant by seeing things with different lenses - different perspective - I know she used different words to say that - can't remember exactly what she said. But it makes sense.
I wonder how to describe how I'm feeling currently - it's a bit like I'm on a magic round-about, and it's spinning around, and I am seeing different things pass by, and yet it doesn't feel quite real - so I wonder if I'm experiencing a dissociated state - which is a bit heavier than normal. Yet at the same time, I've begun to 'feel' more things - and then some younger parts pop out and I basically 'giggle' at something - and yet - I think that's them giggling - whilst I actually utter the giggle. They find certain things funny - and that includes intimate times with my partner - they've giggled then as well - this is disconcerting - but also seems quite comical as I read this back - and see it written down.
I am surprised by quite how many fragmented parts I seem to have - and that's why I feel I related so much to those old films - like the one called 'Sybil' which I remember watching when I was a child - I was fascinated by that, but also felt I related to her character.
I've also been exploring what I might call my 'darker side' or my 'shadow sides' - as some of the fragmented parts have been pushed away in the past and repressed, and I'm opening my mind and my consciousness to welcome them into the light - so I can also communicate with them.
I have some inner conflict right now, because of some of the words I've just used - and the fact that I've got an inner/outer critic who is telling me off for using such language - but it was what came to mind, and I'm leaving it there.
I haven't done any of the 'circle meditation' type stuff that Janina talked about in her book - where I allow my fragmented parts the chance to come and communicate in an actual specific time - I might do that this week.
Time has been passing by and yet I'm not sure what I've been 'doing' - it's like it's been a whirl-wind. Like the magic roundabout has gone 'woooosh' and I'm still on it. But I'm not sure for how long, or what happened.
I think I might need to do some things to ground myself - to relax more - I am possibly feeling a bit hyper - a bit over-emotional to some degrees - and I need to chill out a bit. Relax. Touch base with reality.
The hot weather - it's too much really. But I'm doing my best to stay cool.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 24th July 2018
I am thankful that I feel a bit better this morning. At nighttime, I've been experiencing more of those hallucinatory experiences - which I think of as being in the 'hypnogogic' state of between wake and sleep - and they don't worry me anymore (I used to be freaked out by them in the past), but now I understand more (I think) and I merely 'observe' them, and more often I close my eyes, and then I don't experience them. I guess it's understandable as I'm processing many more things at the moment and therefore feel over-whelmed on occasions.
Trigger warning *** possibly...
I've been watching a series on TV called 'Sharp Objects' which has been quite triggering too - in that the person in that programme has lived with quite a dysfunctional family, and lots of family secrets, and during the times I've been watching it, there have actually been wall-paper patterns in her childhood bedroom which were identical to one of the wall-paper patterns in my own childhood bedroom. My 'little inners/fragmented/wounded parts' are then taking notice of those things - those details. Then offering me little snippets of visual memory. Just snippets here and there.
I'd like to write more about the different 'parts' of myself that I feel there are - and I'm working up to doing that. I think so. I know that WhoBuddy and FenStarshimmer have been doing similar stuff with their parts - so I might open a new thread and see if they will join in to discuss progress on that, and anyone else who is exploring this kind of conceptualisation. Not sure what word to use to describe it really.
Hope :)
Darling Hope,
You are doing such an amazing job. I love how you are not letting the magic merry go round disorient you. Instead, you are taking stock and allowing your parts to each feel what they need to feel.
I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better today. I saw an ad for that show you mentioned. It seemed a bit too triggering for me. Let me know if you think I'd like it.
On a related note... I wondered if that has happened to you before? You mentioned that matching wallpaper to your bedroom brought back new memories. It has happened to me and I was very scared. It made me have a panic attack before I even had time to ground myself. Do you think your fragmented parts took notice and showed you snippets because you are in a stronger and better place to deal with them now?
Much love
Deep Blue
Hi Deep Blue,
Thank you so much for your lovely reply here - and I hope you are ok. I know you had some good news - re: your husband - and I am really pleased to hear that.
Regarding the show I mentioned - I don't know whether it would be something you'd want to watch or not, as I do think it's quite triggering. But I find that I gravitate towards triggering things, because it often helps me to discover and think about the triggers and work my way through them - hence I tend to look out for any programmes and books that will be related to issues that I relate to. I wonder therefore if my behaviour is unusual within complex PTSD - because I realise that can involve 'avoiding' or minimising triggers. This has got me thinking a bit here. I don't know.
Regarding the wall-papers - it's been happening to me for a while that seeing wall-papers in programmes or in older houses - brings back memories - but just snippets. Also strong feelings accompany that.
I am so sorry to hear you've had a panic attack before being able to ground yourself - that must have been very frightening.
I think you're right that my fragmented parts are taking notice and only allowing me to see sufficient snippets so as not to overwhelm me. I think they're considerate in that way.
Much love to you, Deep Blue. :hug:
****
Journal Entry for 25th July 2018
I am not coping very well with the heat. It is sapping my energy away - I have a headache - I am trying to drink more water - but it doesn't seem to help that much. I feel so lacking in energy. Lethargic. But I think so many people must be feeling the same way, and somehow knowing that - makes me feel a bit better.
I have an appointment to go to today - so I'm feeling a bit stressed about that. I want to cancel it really - but I am going to make myself go.
I've just been writing to Deep Blue about how I 'gravitate' towards triggering things - like I go out of my way to watch documentaries about issues or films covering issues I relate to - even though I know I'll be triggered - but I guess it's trying to learn from seeing people in similar situations, and looking for links, patterns, any information that will help me to work out my own stuff. I have always been like that. It's been a trend or a pattern that follows me through life - the striving to learn more and to work things out. Yet, I feel for many years of my life - I was 'blind' to so many things - like I was acting in a fog - unable to see - but knowing that something didn't feel right. Also, there's the fact that many factual events about my early life were actually ignored, not spoken about, and then I sometimes wondered if maybe I just had an over-active imagination, and that I'd 'made those things up' - i.e. did I have a younger sister, was she real?
Yes, she is real - I know this.
I am working up to posting some things in other parts of the forum, but there are parts of me 'holding me back' from doing that - for fear of what people will think - and I'm thinking - don't worry - the people here are non-judgemental, they understand, and it will be ok, but so far, I've not managed to go to the other parts of the forum to write, but I am working up to it. It's the same with the 'Healing Porch' - I am able to read things there, and appreciate it - but in terms of going there - even in my mind - or like when Deep Blue suggestesd I joined her there for Peppermint tea - the effect on me was a flood of very emotional stuff - it's like a vulnerable younger part of me is overwhelmed to be included in that way, and yet can't cope with it at the same time. Hence I can't make it there. Even though it's a 'virtual' place - in that we talk about the Healing Porch, but we don't physically go there.
No wonder life is complicated for people like me who relate to complex PTSD - I am looking at parallels between my IRL interactions - and my interactions here in the forum, and I am thankful that the internet allows us this opportunity to connect and relate to each other. I also wonder whether I could be brave enough to say things to a person IRL - i.e. face to face - whilst here I can talk more openly about things - although I have to say that I do have some friends with whom I can be more 'open' - and that is a good thing.
I feel as if I'm waffling now - but I'm glad to have written this - as I think it's helping me to put my thoughts down in this way.
Hope :)
hey, hope,
i know you've really been struggling with the heat, and i'm glad you're staying more hydrated. have you been drinking anything like gatorade to replace potassium, salt, etc. (electrolytes) that we lose when we sweat? that loss may be some of the reason you're feeling out of sorts as well.
living in the desert, i drank liquids with electrolytes on a daily basis during the summer. it really helped keep my body/brain in balance. i found them at both supermarkets and drugstores. it can really throw you off if you're not replacing them regularly. they're also recommended for severe diarrhea, cuz electrolytes are lost that way as well.
i think your idea of starting your own thread for talking about your various parts and littles is a good one. others who are also looking into that aspect of themselves might feel more comfortable as well.
i know the idea of 'forcing' oneself to be triggered in order to further growth. it can be difficult at times, painful, but it's helped me move ahead so many times. good for you for doing the hard work. you're showing such courage and determination. i applaud that. :applause:
keep going, hope. you're doing great. the idea that things you experience now don't have the same impact on you that they once had shows a lot of progress. love and hugs, sweetie.
Hey Hope,
I think we all deal in our own ways. Some of us avoid, some of face things. It's similar to fight or flight. I flee or freeze almost every time. I think it's brave of you to explore a deep understanding of your triggers.
I hate talking trauma. If I'm talking about it, something is seriously wrong. I'm happy my husband is working again but today I'm feeling irritable and angry, seeming for no reason? :Idunno: I've been on such a roller coaster the last few weeks that I really relate to what you said about the magic carousel.
We will be ready with open arms and nonjudgmental when you find the courage to post in other areas. Notice I said when you find the courage :bigwink: You are an amazing, insightful person. I feel lucky to have met you on this forum. Even if you don't feel ready to join me on the porch, I'll sit with you here if you like :hug:
Much love
Deep Blue
Hi SanMagic,
Your suggestion about the electrolytes is great - I will try to find some of those at the chemist or supermarket - thank you - I feel sure it will make a difference to me. I need to do something, as it's been hot for so long. I will try to get some today. Thank you. :) I am also encouraged by your words about starting a new thread for talking about my various parts and little ones - and I hope I'll do that soon. Your words about 'forcing' oneself to be triggered make sense too - and I am so eager to move forward with all of this. Thank you for your encouragement - sending a warm hug to you, SanMagic :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Your words about the Roller Coaster, and the parallel or similarities between that and a Carousel - I see that - because I sometimes think of the roller-coaster analogy too - but well done to us both for hanging on, and keeping going.
You said some lovely things to me - and I appreciate them. I also feel lucky to have met you on this forum, and thank you for sitting with me - I also like Peppermint tea - so we can share a pot of it. :hug: I know you were feeling irritable and angry yesterday - I hope you have a nicer track on the roller coaster ride to negotiate today. Maybe even get off and explore a nice seaside town - have an ice-cream - savour the flavour and enjoy the view. I wish you some peace and whatever feels good to you. I wish the same for myself. :)
****
Journal Entry on 26th July 2018
I woke relatively early today and wrote myself a list of things I wanted to accomplish - and I've already done a couple of them, so it feels like a good start to the day. I hope to buy some electrolyte powders/product today - so need to take a trip to get some. Probably the chemist. I am sure it will be helpful, and SanMagic's experience in the desert - that's invaluable experience in my view.
I experienced a very physical apparition in the middle of the night where I really thought there was a woman sitting on the bed - I really saw her, and actually felt the pressure of her body on the bed, where she was sitting - like she had depth and like she was real. It really shocked me, as I woke up and saw her there - but quickly realised she wasn't actually there. But it definitely freaked me out a bit. I don't know who she was - i.e. she didn't look like anyone I know. She was youngish, and wearing a long grey shawl.
Anyway, I slept the remainder of the night ok, so it was just something that happened, and hasn't really affected me too much.
Hope :)
Just chekcing by, Hope and sending :hug: a nice non-sweaty, cool one. The heat seems to have addled my brain today. I'm feeling wordless.
sounds like you had a visitor of sorts during the night. i take it she was non-threatening, so that's a good thing. i wonder who she could be or what she might represent.
i do hope you get some relief from the heat. it is an entity in its own right. i also hope the electrolytes help. sending love and a hug filled with cool breezes, and an umbrella hat (just something a little silly, trying to invoke a smile) to keep the sun off your head when you go out.
Hi Hope,
Can understand that waking up and finding a strange woman sitting on your bed is creepy and freaky. I'd definitively been scared. I'm also glad that you realized that she wasn't actually there. Perhaps your brain was still partially in dream-land and confused what you were seeing with your eyes, and what you were seeing with your mind. Or perhaps it was something else. I hope you're okay now.
Heat is difficult to deal with, it's going to be super warm here today - and I too struggle with heat. I hope you find ways to cope with it. :hug:
Hi Hope.
Just wanted to say a quick hello and hoping that you are getting by in this terribly hot weather.
Perhaps we will all get a nice burst of energy when this weather finally breaks!
Take care.
Libby.
Hi Blueberry - thanks so much for the non-sweaty cool hug, and sending one back to you :hug: - hoping that you're feeling a bit better with the heat - I know you were feeling wordless when you replied to me, and I hope you have a good weekend.
Hi SanMagic - I thought about the visitor (woman sitting on my bed) and wondered who she might be or what she might represent - but nothing came to mind. She didn't remind me of anyone at all. So she was a mystery. She didn't look very happy though - she was sitting with her head down, averting her face. She was dressed in a grey shawl - I thought she was trying not to be seen. But she didn't seem threatening - she was just there - sitting. Doing nothing. As if she had 'no intent'. SanMagic - thanks again for the suggestion of the electrolytes - they have made a difference to me - I feel much better - I took them for two days already - and I feel so much better. Thank you! I also like your mention of the Umbrella hat - it did bring a smile to me. Thank you. :) :hug:
Hi Sceal - Thank you so much for what you said about the apparition I saw of the woman on my bed. Because I had been presuming that she was a visual hallucination in the state of sleep between sleep and wakefulness, but I think you're right, that I was partially in dream-land and confused what I saw - i.e. what I was seeing with my eyes and in my mind. This was helpful to hear your thoughts - thank you so much. :) :hug:
Hi Libby - Thank you so much for popping by and for your lovely message here - and I agree with you that hopefully we might get a good burst of energy once the hot weather goes away - the weather is changing now - rain etc - so it should feel less pressured soon. I have had some electrolytes in powder form from the pharmacy - this was after SanMagic suggested them, and I went to ask the Pharmacist, and she showed me where they were - and I already feel better for having had 2 days of them. I must have been suffering from some dehydration. Hope you have a good weekend, Libby :hug: to you.
*****
Journal Entry on 28th July 2018
I missed yesterday - i.e. didn't journal then, as I was getting over a bad night - I'd had a massive night terror, and it had really frigthened me, and also my partner ended up in shock for a while afterwards too, which then concerned me even more, as I don't want my issues to affect him too much. I almost felt a bit phobic about going to bed last night, incase the same thing happened again, but thankfully my experience last night was different - I am hoping to write about this later today - in another part of the forum, to try to ask other people about it - because I feel like I need to write about it. To get it out.
But right now, I'm going to have a cup of tea and just try to relax my mind and body - and centre myself for the day. Last night was a better night's sleep, and I am feeling better - but I'm being careful and taking things carefully.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 29th July 2018
It helped so much to write about my night terror, and to receive the replies - so many thanks to those people who replied - I really appreciated it.
I slept better last night - no instances of anything worrying - no nightmares, no night terrors, no apparitions. I was relieved.
I feel a bit 'out of sorts' today though - and I'm having word-finding difficulties- it's like my brain isn't working properly - and I'm thinking that it feels as if I've been triggered into some kind of EF - but I can't think what could have triggered me. So I'm just trying to ground myself and just be as calm as I can.
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
I'm so glad to hear you slept well. Sometimes that can put some wind in back in the sails. :)
Out of sorts today though huh? Grounding sounds like a good plan. Maybe some fun reading? Maybe some fun artwork with one of your littles? My son and I played with play dough yesterday. He likes to make "layered cakes".
Much love sweetie
Deep Blue
sounds like you're taking care of yourself quite well, hope. and i'm so glad those electrolytes helped. it's amazing to me how much of a difference they make.
hope you continue to feel better, get your senses and words back. i can see how something like your vision could be upsetting on many levels, and might take a bit to get thru it. love and hugs, sweetie.
Hi Hope,
I just wanted to pop by and give you a cup of hot chocolate and a :hug:, if that's okay today?
Hi DeepBlue - I really like the description of 'layered cakes' that you mentioned - it's lovely that you and your son enjoyed making those together with the play dough. Sounds like good fun. Yes, sleeping well is precious - and I feel better today - so things are resolved for now. Much love to you :hug:
Hi SanMagic - Thanks so much - love and hugs to you too :hug:
Hi Sceal - I am so thankful to you for popping by with that cup of hot chocolate - you are wonderful, and I love the hug too - hugs back to you and thank you for your thoughtfulness. :hug:
****
Journal Entry for 30th July 2018
Last night I dreamed that I was pregnant and about to give birth that very day - and that I had a daughter - about 4 years old as well. How strange - I don't have any children at all in real life. It was so realistic that dream, and I told my partner about it today. Anyway, I slept quite well, and I felt ok with the content of that dream - it was quite a nice feeling - the anticipation of the pregnancy, so that was good.
I hurt my neck yesterday - I think it was some tension that had built up and then I moved awkwardly and pulled my neck muscles a bit. So that hurts a bit now. But it's not too bad.
I feel like I am putting some things off - and I don't like that feeling - but I can't work out which parts of me are involved in the procrastination.
I can't say more now, as words are drying up again.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 31st July 2018
I am rushing into my Journal this morning, because I was just reading around the forum here, and a couple of people's writings really made me think of some things - and I want to just write about them before they disappear into the ether of my mind.
Blueberry has written a long post in her journal, and it really triggered some memories for me from my own experience - in terms of how Little Hope felt when her F didn't really respond to her emotional needs - there was one example where Little Hope was probably a very little toddler, and she was at a large place with lots of adults - and Little Hope fell into an open fire - not sure why they would have had an open fire without a guard around it, but my memory is that my F did pull me out, but instead of comforting me or explaining to me about the fire, he made Little Hope feel as if she was stupid and clumsy for falling into that fire - as if she did it on purpose. It was as if he felt shame that people looked at the situation, and he felt it had stopped him looking cool around his fellow adults. I don't know what he thought - because I as so small, but I remember that incident and wish he could have comforted me.
Similarly when Little Hope was walking along - again very small - possible a toddler or small girl, and she accidentally put her hand into the hand of a stranger - and then that man wriggled to get away from her hand, and she looked up his legs and saw a strange face, and then she ran to her F, but he didn't comfort Little Hope - he was again embarrassed by her - at least that is what Hope feels now, when thinking about it.
Somebody else in the forum - called I Like Vanilla - has written something so helpful too about narcissitic parenting - and how the narcissistic parent takes things from the dependent child - erodes the self - I think she used words like that, and it makes such sense. It's like the NP doesn't want a child to be independent from them, so they steal their soul. Then there are numerous losses, along the path of life, which we try to make up, or put right, but which is difficult to do, if we're not equipped to truly face those transitions or feel we don't quite have sufficient support to really 'feel' and 'live' those things.
I wanted to rush here to write this, before it disappeared, as I can already feel my head throbbing - and I suspect I'd not hold onto these thoughts for too long - but I'm grateful to Blueberry and I Like Vanilla for writing such insightful things. I relate so much to what they both wrote.
Hope :)
Quote from: I like vanilla on July 30, 2018, 08:54:35 PM
I agree; it is totally abusive. The narcissistic parents steal so much from their children. I am sorry that your NM stole so much from you. I often weep in my T's office when I realize (or finally admit) to another part of my life that my NM stole from me, and reading your post I realize often when was taken was opportunities - to try new things, to learn something new, to pursue an activity that would have made me happy, etc.
I think that this stealing is partly a failure to recognize the children (or anyone else, but their children are an easy target) as separate beings from the NM (or NF). Ironically, I think the stealing is also partly because the NP (Narc parent) recognizes that the child is trying to individuate and the NP must do everything possible to stop the process - the child must, from the NP point of view, remain continuously dependent on, subservient to, and even a part of the NP rather than ever becoming a full Self in an of themselves.
It is not just abusive; it is an attempt to steal our very Selves (which, I guess by definition is also abusive...).
But, I think there is hope. For many of us we somehow managed to tuck our Selves in someplace safe where our NPs could not find it. The key now is to figure out who we are and how to let our Selves out and be safe (protected by us) in the world. I suppose the downside is that by tucking ourselves away we ultimately have to deal with the process of uncovering our Selves and usually while also managing CPTSD. Unlike those with PTSD from a one-off event, who aim to be 'the person they were before the bad thing happen', those of us with childhood-abuse CPTSD are now on the journey of learning who we are (our Selves were so young when we secured them away that parts must now be developed).
I think this board helps with that uncovering process. It is a complicated, difficult, painful, joyous, and ultimately satisfying process for all of us, but one worth doing.
I'm not sure if it's possible for me to copy what 'I Like Vanilla' said and bring it here to my Journal - but I've tried - and if it's not ok (i.e. if it's against the rules of the forum in anyway), then I hope that someone will let me know - I don't mean to do anything I'm not supposed to, but I really think that 'I Like Vanilla' said something amazing here, and I wanted to remember it - and have it in my Journal.
Hope :)
Sweet Hope,
You have activated the mommy in me again. I wish I could turn back time and give you comfort for all of those times you were not given it.
You better believe if my son fell in a fire pit or was scared of a stranger I would come running. Thanks for sharing so honestly here.
Much love to you sweetie :hug:
Deep Blue
Hi Deep Blue,
Your son is so lucky to have such a wonderful Mum - and I appreciate your kindness in responding to Little Hope's experiences. Thank you so much. I wish I could turn back time for you too - so you didn't have to go through the things you've gone through - the ones you'd rather change.
Much love to you too :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: to you Hope and to Little Hope. I can see why my post was triggering for you. Similar stuff going on. I can't imagine not comforting a child (any child, not just my theoretical own one) I'd just pulled out of a fire. The mind boggles. I also can't imagine not comforting a child who runs to me in panic after becoming attached to the wrong person's hand in a crowd. This happens to very small children sometimes, Hope, I've heard about it before. Nothing for Little Hope to feel ashamed about. I think that when our parents feel ashamed of us that can turn into us feeling embarrassment, among other emotions.
My parents did have a fire guard up around when we were toddlers but there were other instances of safety where they believed in some sort of elitist way that "our children don't need that, our children are too sensible" :stars: and then if I wasn't "sensible" then I felt at fault for not living up to parental expectation even if nothing was said. If something was said, it was even worse for me because it was a load of blaming and shaming, especially the latter. M was unpredictable about the whole issue too though. And yeah embarrassed about toddlers or small children "misbehaving" or "attempting to blackmail" her when they were doing typical toddler things.
Hi Blueberry - :hug: to you - and thank you for your reply here, and for the hugs for me and Little Hope. I found it interesting when you said "when our parents feel ashamed of us that can turn into us feeling embarrassment, among other emotions" - and I do relate to that. I think that is likely what happened. I transferred the 'shame' that my F felt - and felt I'd done something wrong, that I was embarrassing to him.
:hug: to your Little Blueberries too - because Little Blueberries and Little Hopes should have been able to enjoy being toddlers and not feel embarrassed about that.
*****
Journal Entry on 1st August 2018
Yesterday, whilst my partner was out, I looked through some photographs of myself and my FOO. I was in my mid 20's in the photos, and they would be similar ages to what I am now. What came across to me as I looked at the photos was how much I have dissociated from the emotional content of the photos, the situations and context of them, and also how differently I was processing those things 'now' - i.e. I was able to look at the photos and process things in a 'different' way. I'm not sure I can put more words on this currently, as I can already feel myself getting worried and defensive about the thought of trying to write about that. So I won't for now - but I am thinking that I might try using the 'letters to (not to send' part of the forum to try to work through some of that processing - and 'say' some things that I think need to be said and 'got out' of myself.
I've noticed that I've not looked at any 'self-help' books lately - because I have read Janina's book a couple of times, and also Mary Bratton's book - and I'm at the point now where I think the way forward is to do some of the experiential type exercises there. But at the same time, that feels a bit 'scary' - so something holds me back.
I suspect what holds me back is various of my fragmented/wounded parts - they are concerned for me. Probably rightly so, as I think it does feel scary to re-process things that I've clearly dissociated from in the past, and I have marvelled at how much protection they have done - to help me through my life to this point - they helped me to stay strong in some ways - but I am aware that they also keep 'closing doors' of my memory - which serves a function to protect me, but has also meant that my eyes were effectively 'closed' and I was in a 'fog' for much of my experiences in life. I was 'there' of course - experiencing things - but probably numbed to the full experience of those things. I have also had a tendency to numb myself with over-eating - I can see that I used to binge on high calorie foods - sugary foods - and I still want to return to that when things get very stressful.
I had a dream last night that myself and my partner had been captured in some kind of Adventure scenario, and we were being 'held captive' - but we had no idea what our fate was going to be. Yet, it didn't feel scary - it actually felt 'exciting' - like it might if we had been enjoying an Adventure film - and so it didn't feel 'real' that we were actually in that situation. Maybe I knew it was only a dream...?
Also, I suppose that I don't feel too scared about a 'captive' scenario, because in many ways I felt as if I was being held captive in some kind of weird cult scenario for my entire younger life - as if I was a Cinderella who never escaped - at least not until I was much older.
Have I escaped even now? I'm not sure, because I still feel the chains of obligation somehow - even though I'm not in contact anymore, I still feel them. Still feel some guilt - can't really access my true 'feelings' - what do I feel? I'm not sure. I don't think I feel any emotions particularly strongly. Yet sometimes, my little inners are showing me some very intense feelings - of fear, and distress.
My partner told me that he had feared that the neighbours would call the police on the night that I had the night terror - because he said I literally screamed like the worse screams he had heard - even on a film! I always think that they exaggerate screams on a film, for their dramatic effect - but he said that even the worse case of that exaggeration, he had never heard me scream so loudly - in utter fear and panic. Yet I don't know what I'd seen in the night terror - I just felt immense fear.
I do worry for him, as that must be hard to cope with. That makes me feel very sad - and a real strong emotion of sadness has just come up in my throat - maybe I do feel emotions more than I realise - I just can't necessarily relate to where they come from, and having a rationale of 'parts' is helpful - as I think it's different parts who feel these things.
Anyway, I've written far more than I thought I would today!
Hope :)
1st August 2018 cont'd.
Back again - because I've just been watching a TV programme which is all about 'what happens next' in 'Long Lost Families' - and it's a UK programme that I had taped. Basically it shows what happens to people who have re-connected with family - following long separations - and I don't watch it very often - probably only ever seen one previously - but this one had themes of a woman who had re-connected with her M, and another was a woman who had met a brother. It made me cry quite a lot - very emotional. But what I noticed was that I felt the lack of a maternal bond with my own M - it was like the people would describe bonding with their daughter or their mother, and feeling that strong connection and maternal bond - and I was thinking to myself - I don't even recall my M hugging me or comforting me - I don't feel a bond between her and I. I wonder if there ever was one. It's very sad.
The TV programme depicted people getting on well after long periods of separation, but there was one example where the lady said she'd 'rushed things' with her brother, and he hadn't wanted to keep contact - as she'd rushed into doing too many things at once. It made me wonder about my relationship with my sister - did we rush things - we should have taken more time to try to re-bond.
But then I think again that she is hooked into a very different set of beliefs to myself - i.e. like a Cult kind of thing that she believes in, and I don't want to go from having been excessively controlled by a FOO to being connected to a sister who similarly wants to control me and make me take her ideology on board.
Anyway, it has given me a lot of mixed feelings - which were already there, but I guess the programme has stirred up my emotions. I'm glad to have cried though, as I think I needed to get those tears out - and express some grief about loss of relationships - and wishing they had been different.
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: to you Hope. I think you're so courageous keeping on going with books and here with TV programmes, going about your own healing without a T.
ime you're wise to stay away from someone who seems to want to push you into believing the ideology she does. i've been very triggered by that kind of behaviour from people, including an old T, in the past. At that time it was still so easy for me to be swept up into a position of me underdog-in-awe believing Great God and Saviour Therapist. I can see how easy it was for my T to abuse this now. It was similar for me with my brothers, even though they don't have any kind of strange religious beliefs, just beliefs about how things 'have to' be in our FOO and what I 'have to put up with'.
Hey sweet Hope,
I echo what blueberry said. You are so courageous!
I've had a similar experience when looking at old pictures of myself when the trauma was at its worst. I was just a deeply sad girl. I spent most of my time putting on a fake smile and every bit of energy trying to hide how bad things really were.
I understand feeling bad for your partner with your night terror. On the other hand, lots of people have them. One of my former students has had them for 16 years. It sounds like you two have a good relationship. Can you talk about these things?
So much love to you,
Deep Blue
Hi Hope,
I'm sorry you're struggling with such terrible nightterrors. I hope you're not worried that you don't remember them. Research show that it's mostly common not to remember night-terrors, except for perhaps the emotion itself. Perhaps it is your mind trying to deal and sort through all that hard work that you're doing on your own recovery?
I hope today is a good day for you. Lots of warm thougts,
Sceal
Hi Blueberry, Deep Blue & Sceal,
I appreciate all your lovely replies, and thanks for what you each said. It means a lot.
Blueberry - I really appreciate that you shared your experience of having ideology pushed onto you - and how that impacted - and I know that I don't think I could cope with sustained contact with someone who would want to do that to me. Regardless of who that person may be. It's not healthy - and it's not something I feel I could cope with. I am going to protect myself - and my inners. :hug: to you, Blueberry.
Deep Blue - I remember reading that you had that experience when looking at old pictures of yourself, and I remember thinking at the time, "I relate to that so much" - and having to put on a fake smile - it really zaps energy - :hug: to you. Your former student had night terrors for a long time. I hope they stopped for her eventually. I've had mine since I was about 4 years old, and they've come on and off since then, so that's a long long time. Yes, I do talk to my partner about things, infact there isn't anything he doesn't know - I've shared everything with him - literally. He does understand, but it distressed me to see that he was scared by the intensity of my screaming the other night - he was thrown into shock literally. Love to you, Deep Blue - and thank your for your caring and support. :hug:
Sceal - I really appreciate your reply and what you said about the research suggesting that most people don't remember the content - except for the emotion itself - it's interesting. I do sometimes remember some content - but most often I don't. But the emotion - that is so strong. I think you're right that it's my mind trying to deal with things and sort through things. :hug: to you Sceal.
*****
Journal Entry for 2nd August 2018
Apparently I was talking in my sleep last night, and my partner told me that he asked me some things, and I replied to him. Apparently I'd said to him at one point "Well, you'd be surprised if he answered you back, wouldnt' you." - so I wonder who I was referring to. I don't recall talking to him in my sleep, but I know that my head hurt a lot - as if I was paralysed at some points, and my head felt as if it was going to explode. That was scary. I woke and found I had a stiff neck - so I must have been sleeping at a funny angle and maybe that had hurt my head and my neck. Anyway, I am ok today. So that's good.
I feel as if I am 'ready to write' more - and attempt to process some things some more - but I am also feeling a bit cautious and worried about that - at the same time. So conflicting feelings I guess.
Hope :)
Hope I forgot to mention! My student takes melatonin sometimes if she is extra stressed to help combat the night terrors. She says it helps a lot
Hi DeepBlue - thank you so much for letting me know about the Melatonin - it's great that it helps your student, and I will look into it for sure. Thank you. :hug: to you.
Hi BeHea1thy - thanks for your insights - I think you are probably right about Mary Bratton's ideas bringing my experiences closer to the conscious surface - I am experiencing more flashbacks in the daytime, and also at night - and I have been dreaming so much more - infact every night this week I've had a vivid dream. Thankfully only the one big night terror though. So that's good.
Also, what you said about the neck pain and headaches being things that will morph and become less noticeable - I do hope that will be the case. I have noticed that the pains in my head are usually connected to emotional reactions - rather than anything else, and I try to listen to the symptoms and understand them, rather than run away from them or distract myself from them. Thank you so much for your helpful comments - and sending you a hug :hug:
****
Journal Entry on 3rd August 2018
Another vivid dream last night - this time my partner and I were attending someone's social occasion - not sure what kind of occasion but the venue was really quite similar to a vast and old Mansion type of place - probably a bit Gothic and dark inside - that's the impression it gave me. The couple were known to us, and yet they weren't getting on at all well - they bickered and were unhappy. My partner left early - and it felt like we lived just up the road from the mansion - so I knew he wasn't far away. Anyway, they talked about staying overnight and having breakfast together with me the next day - I asked what time they'd have breakfast, and they said 11am - very late in the morning. I was upset and said I couldn't stay for breakfast, and I would go home. So I went home to my partner. I have no idea what that was about, but it was very vivid, and I just wanted to write about it in my journal - I don't see any themes or significance to it. But what I did think was interesting was when I talked to my partner about it the next morning, he commented that he was very happy that we were together in my dreams - and how romantic that is. The fact he said that, made me feel emotional.
I have tried to do more 'self-care' today - I had a bath - used nice mineral salts and perfumed bubble bath oil - and I also used some nice body butter on my feet. I reflected in the bath about how I had felt when I was very young - possibly 10 years old or so, and how literally desperate I had felt emotionally at that time - a flashback to being in a bath - and just feeling so despondent, so alone, and being frightened that spiders might pop up through the cracks in the tiles - they sometimes did. I have always been very afraid of spiders. Yet we don't have any poisonous ones in my country - it's just a fear I have.
I tried to speak to my scared and lonely younger self - whilst in the bath, and remind her that we're in a different time, and a different place, and we're much safer now. She's not alone anymore. Even as I write this, there's a part of myself that is wailing in the background - I can hear her - she feels very upset.
I've been writing lists of things I want to do - and I have been managing to do some of them. So that is progress.
Hope :)
Sweet Hope
That's a positive dream (interpretation wise). Mansions represent someone reaching their potential. Perhaps you need to be with your partner in order to reach it and that's why you left?
Much love and sweet dreams to you
Hi Deep Blue - wow, that's a great interpretation of that dream, thank you so much. I also do think that I feel I need to be with my partner to realise my potential - and I don't think I would be strong enough by myself - and certainly wouldn't have been able to start looking at my self-care and progress without him. The therapist I had for a while actually said that to me - in terms of saying that she thought I'd needed to wait till I had the 'right partner' before feeling able to feel stable enough to start to look at my issues. At the same time though, I recognise that I could have the tendency to become a bit co-dependent - although I do wonder about that - I have mixed feelings about what that means - probably down to not completely understanding the meaning of the term - and I think that being co-dependent on someone who is kind and non-judgemental and has my best interests at heart, would be a positive thing - if that was reciprocated - but being co-dependent on someone who was more narcissistic would be very concerning. I do believe that my relationship with my partner is the former example of that and not the latter, as I don't believe that either of us have many narcissistic tendencies. I think it's all on a continuum.
Much love to you, Deep Blue :hug:
Hi BeHea1thy - I find it extremely validating that you said that - thank you so much. I am going to keep going with the 'Befriending my Parts' work - I really believe it is helping me - and I want to engage and relate to the different parts of myself - and hopefully integrate to all my other parts - I know it will take time, but I strongly believe that they have all been helpful to me in my life - they helped me to get through a challenging childhood and beyond, and I owe them a lot - and want to have them all in my life - and I want to nurture them and help them to feel safe. :hug: to you, BeHeal1thy
****
Journal Entry on 4th August 2018
I don't recall any dreams at all last night. It seemed like a peaceful night's sleep - no events or disturbances - I feel happy about that. I don't mind the vivid dreams - but I don't want to have any more night terrors - but I'll just see what happens, and my partner is going to tell me that 'I'm safe' if I do start having any disturbances at night. We had watched a film last night about a place where there were voice-activated TVs which would respond to the person living in the room - and he joked that if we had such a room, how would the robot react when I had a night terror - he was imagining a strange discussion going on - and I said that I hoped that whoever designed such a room and robot would programme it to react in a sensitive and kind way to someone experiencing a night terror - and he agreed that would be advisable.
This has caused me to remember a past relationship where an ex would react quite aggressively to my night terrors - and how that would then cause me to feel even more distressed on waking from them, and I was thinking how different things are with my current partner - and again, I think how lucky I am that he is in my life. Thinking this of course, then triggers my fears of abandonment - and 'what would happen if...' but I am trying to live in the current moment, and not worry about the future in that respect, and just hope that we'll be able to enjoy a long and healthy life together - that's my hope.
Regarding today - I actually feel happy this morning - more content. I hope this feeling will last. I have noticed that I'm feeling things more - and it's been ok. A good start to the weekend. I hope it will continue...!
Hope :)
Dear Hope,
I 'm glad you had a night without night terrors or disturbing dreams. Sleep is so important!
And even better new is that you're starting to feel alot better! So very happy to hear that! Just wonderful!
:hug: if that's okay!
Sceal
Hi Sceal,
Thanks so much for the hug, and :hug: to you.
****
Journal Entry on 5th August 2018
Very hot today - feeling quite exhausted - due to the weather. Not much to say apart from that. Hopefully I'll be a bit more energetic tomorrow...
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 6th August 2018
I think I've experienced a longer emotional flashback over the past day - triggered on the weekend by visiting my partner's family - I ended up feeling quite tense and annoyed afterwards and that feelings has stayed with me for many hours really - although I think it is lifting now - but I am feeling as if I need to react to very small things - and those things wouldn't normally bother me so much.
If I unpack what was said during the visit - it makes sense - I can see the triggers - people talking about the issues around the new Royal Princess (Meghan Markle) and her estranged father - and people talking about whether he should have commented or not to the Press - and me thinking that it's none of people's business what has gone on between her and her father - and how insensitive it is to be talking about it infront of me, when they know I'm estranged from my FOO - I guess I should be flattered that they didn't even consider how I might feel about that - and that they maybe haven't seen any reason not to talk about it infront of me. Actually, I guess I'm ok with the fact they were talking about it, but I was trying to make the point that people should be able to set their own boundaries and not necessarily be discussing their personal stuff with everyone, just because they have entered into a relationship.
I felt drained of energy - and with the heat wave on top, I felt drained anyway. I guess that's why I'm finding it so hard today - to do anything. I've not really done much at all - I even went to bed for part of the afternoon to try to get some sleep - but it was even hotter - so I struggled.
I really want to start writing about my fragmented parts - to give them a voice in this place - where I know they will feel valued and yet, something is holding me back - but I will hopefully make a start sometime soon - as I really want to write more about them, and also share my writings about them here - to see what other people think, and whether people relate. I know they will - and I value that.
I can't think of what I want to say now, so I'll stop writing for now.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on August 06, 2018, 04:31:20 PM
If I unpack what was said during the visit - it makes sense - I can see the triggers - people talking about the issues around the new Royal Princess (Meghan Markle) and her estranged father - and people talking about whether he should have commented or not to the Press - and me thinking that it's none of people's business what has gone on between her and her father - and how insensitive it is to be talking about it infront of me, when they know I'm estranged from my FOO
I've had people discussing this type of topic in my presence before, even though they knew I was in a position of VVVLC or NC. So I can relate. :hug:
I quite often sleep in the afternoon these days to escape the heat in some way. In countries that are consistently hot in summer, like Spain, people have a siesta so why not in countries that are having a heat-wave?
Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for mentioning that you relate, it really helps. I've had these situations many times before, and especially around key dates like 'M day' and 'F day' etc - and 'Xmas' and other such times - but they seem harder when they come 'out of the blue' - and I guess for people generally it's just 'general chit-chat' - but those topics become so 'loaded' with stuff for me. I know I can cope better with those occasions sometimes, and worse at other times, and I think I had already been anticipating that I might be thrown off my axle of stability - and sure enough I was. I think it's due to the heat and being tired and lethargic, and then not feeling as strong internally - plus I know I've been engaging more with my fragmented parts and therefore maybe not all of them are happy about the status quo just now.
Blueberry - :hug: to you and thanks for your hug. I know you're doing some sorting through of stuff today - and I am impressed by that, so I hope to join you in doing some of that myself! I'm going to try to do some this afternoon - all being well.
*********
Journal entry for 7th August 2018
My partner commented to me this morning, 'You're distant today' - the thing is that we'd not even woken up properly, so I wondered how he could know I was 'distant'... But he was right, I was distant because I've been in an EF for quite a few hours, and could feel a discontented and despondent part of myself taking precedence on my psyche - and probably he could feel that too - even though I'd not really said anything about it.
What interested me was the fact that normally I might not acknowledge that distressed/despondent/disgruntled side - and would probably say 'I'm fine' and try to brush those feelings aside and present a shinier side to myself - but instead, I just said 'Yes, I am a bit distant, because I'm feeling some 'not so nice' feelings - but I am sure I'll be ok' - I think that was healthier to say that to him, as it acknowledges that I'm not 'fine' - that I'm going through something that is affecting me - I just wanted to reflect on that here - because I thought it was significant really.
I know that people tend to say 'I'm fine' in social situations, when really they are not necessarily feeling like that inside, and of course, people rarely want to necessarily share their innermost thoughts and feelings - but on the occasions when we do, or feel brave enough to, then sometimes it can be helpful - as then another person can validate that feeling and might even share their own experience which can be helpful.
I'm hoping to do some de-cluttering and sorting out of stuff this afternoon - I have some chores I need to do this morning as well - I've already made a start - so that's good. I am pleased because I was feeling lethargic and despondent earlier, but gradually I'm coming out of that, and I am focusing on things, so that's good.
Hope :)
Hello Hope,
I'm glad your partner noticed you being distant, and that you verified it too him. It probably did him some good as it did you some good for acknowelding that you're feeling some things right now. I hope you'll be able to declutter your stuff and have a good day, for the rest of the day. :hug:
Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much - :hug: to you.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 9th August 2018
Yesterday afternoon I opened up my 'Notebook' where I have been keeping notes and also doing various 'diagrams' of my past experiences, and my work on 'Befriending my Parts' - and this was an interesting thing - because I'd been avoiding doing that for a significant period of time, as I had felt a bit over-whelmed - and wanted to pace myself. I was able to read through quite a lot of what I'd written, and I was so grateful that I'd used diagrams, as they were easy to process - and I was able to see some links and some themes, and write more notes that are helpful.
I also found that I feel a bit more confident that I'm doing ok - using the self-help books of Janina, and Mary - and that I can use those in Tandem so to speak. Having some structure in this way is helpful, and I like the fact that I am feeling stronger in myself at the moment - so I hope very much that I can progress a bit more as the next few days go on.
I recognise that I was triggered quite a lot by spending some time with my partner's family on the weekend, and it was only by mid-week that I could function properly again - so I am hoping to try to be ready for similar triggers next weekend, as otherwise the pattern might repeat, and I'd really like to be better able to cope in the beginning of the week - I could get more things done that way. I really want to do things - and I want to get round the procrastination that I've experienced - I know that is one of my inners who fears what will happen if my life changes - I have to keep reminding that part of myself that we are all safe now.
So, right at this moment, I feel stronger, and I hope to hold onto this feeling and focus on beginning some experiential exercises from Mary Bratton's book - as well as continuing the practice of having the Meditation circles with my inners/fragmented parts - as I was doing that - and writing in my notebook, and themes were coming up that were meaningful and made sense. So I want to continue that.
My partner told me that last night I was talking to him in my sleep. Apparently I had said to him "Who are you?" - which had disconcerted him. He hadn't actually replied to my question as he said he hadn't known what to say - and then I'd apparently settled and was sleeping. I suggested to him that if that happens again, then maybe he could just say his name and remind me that I'm safe and he's with me. I was wondering what would have happened if he'd asked me 'Who are you?' and what I might have said back - because I'm presuming I was 'myself' but maybe sometimes in my sleep it might be possible to access a younger inner me - I've noticed that in my writings, that I can connect with younger parts, and that is fascinating to do - and especially when I read back things I've written later - I think "Did I write that?" or I'm surprised by what I've written.
I don't think I'm actually unaware of anything - but I do believe that my consciousness can alter, depending on which part of me is more dominant, and then it feels like doors are opened or closed depending on what they want me to process - I don't know if that makes sense, I'm just writing it as it comes out. It makes sense to me.
Anyway, I won't write more for now, as I think I've said what I wanted to say - I am just pleased to be feeling better today.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 11th August 2018
I've written about 'Procrastination' because I feel that it's an issue for me - I'll copy and past what I wrote, so I have it here in my diary as well:
"Procrastination.
Procrastination – What Holds Me Back?
So as I begin to seriously consider my healing and my way forward – I wonder what has been holding me back – why I have been putting things off, procrastinating. Because I can feel there are obstacles – and I need to understand them, to negotiate with them and hopefully move forward.
In no particular order, here are a few factors I've identified:
1) Fear – maybe I've become comfortable with how things are, and fear what I might discover – so I may hold myself back from confronting things
2) Guilt – somehow I still hold myself as 'responsible' for the family dynamics – and have done so from a small child – somehow thinking that I am holding the family together and managing everything – treading on egg-shells, trying to please, and so to have broken away from that, become estranged from my FOO, then somehow I am 'terrible' and a 'bad person' for having dared to do that, and somehow I have become the cause of any negative feelings felt by my FOO – I think that 'if only I could have held it together' then they would have been continuing to be 'happy' and living their fantasy life that everything is 'ok'. (Glad I'm writing that, as it sounds like a farce when I put it in black and white like this – I can already feel myself thinking that it's ridiculous that I should put these things on my shoulders).
3) Conflict between my inners/fragmented parts – there are quite a few of them, and they have different fears and concerns – and some of them worry about what will happen. Some of them are unaware that time has passed by and essentially we're 'safe' - they still fear and feel doom and gloom and they worry what will happen if we face some things.
4) I lost a lot of 'roles' of my life with the various changes that have happened to me in the last few years – and that takes a lot of adjusting – and I don't feel equipped in many ways to handle that, so maybe it's fear of not knowing how to be/what to do.
5) My self-identity has never really evolved in any meaningful way – I've been what others have wanted me to be, instead of necessarily who I am – indeed, I wonder 'Who am I? What do I like/dislike?' - maybe part of procrastinating is trying to work these things out, and therefore the ways forward seem scary and also hard to choose the right path.
I'm sure there are many more things, but those are a few to start with.
I wonder if others relate to this, and whether you feel you put things off and procrastinate.
I've decided I'm going to try to make small steps each day to move things forward, and hopefully 'do more' and procrastinate less. That's the plan...
Hope :)"
I thought it would be helpful to consider the subject of my procrastination and the reasons why I feel it - at this point - because I have noticed that I'm putting off beginning the experiential exercises in Mary Bratton's book - and I just wanted to explore some of the reasons why that might be. I am making some small steps however in terms of trying to de-clutter and sort out things at home - but it is painfully slow - and I feel like I'm not really making much progress.
But what I'm pleased about is that when I woke this morning, I felt as if there was a more 'active' and 'enthusiastic' part of myself who woke up with me - as if she was ready to face the world today and get something done. I really want to hold onto that optimism - and hope it will translate into action - I'm glad to have written this today - in terms of starting a thread about Procrastination - although ironically discussing the ins and outs of procrastination could end up being a task that holds up progress - I hope that won't be the case, and that I can progress.
My head hurts though - interesting...
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 13th August 2018
I was feeling 'stuck' since I wrote the reasons I procrastinate - somehow it filled me with some feelings of 'dread' - that I was trapped and couldn't move forward, but I've re-read what I wrote and come to the conclusion that I can move forward - and I will - I just need to take 'baby steps' - which is what someone said in the forum - I think it was BeHea1thy who said it. Sensible advice - that's for sure. :)
I also concluded my writing before with the comment that "I've decided I'm going to try to make small steps each day to move things forward, and hopefully 'do more' and procrastinate less. That's the plan..." - and I think that plan is reasonable - and also that I can hopefully 'do that'.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 14th August 2018
It was helpful to write about 'Procrastination' - and the replies I've had - they have all been really helpful. I feel more positive today - and that's a good feeling.
I have been getting little snippets of memory from my 'inners/fragmented parts' - and I've been taking note of those - some have even been memories of things that my younger parts liked to do - but I have also had some over-riding memories/feelings that are spiked with 'anger' - which has been tough to tolerate - as I've wanted to act on those feelings, and it wouldn't have been appropriate in the context of where I was at the time. So I had to 'tolerate' the feelings and thankfully I was able to cope.
I'd like to write more about that, but there's such a strong pull from other parts of me 'not to' - I know they are still scared of opening up about things. I guess it's habit. But I feel like I'm getting ready to write more - and I do feel it will help me to do so. I wish I could shake off the feeling that I should be controlled, that I'm trapped - because essentially I'm free - but yet I still feel 'trapped' - now I feel silly for having written this.
I've been pre-occupied again with the dilemma of whether to acknowledge the Birthday of my estranged sister - or not. There are many conflicts between my inners/fragmented parts about this - and maybe I can try to look at that here:
So - how do we all feel about it? Should I send a card?
One part, the sensible and kind and gentle part says 'Yes, you should send a card - she is your sister, and it would be nice for her to receive a card from a family member - then she would feel that a family member did care about her and that she was a special person - you should be kind to her'
Another part - says "No, don't do it. She is unpredictable, she is very strange, and you don't really know her. You've tried to communicate with her, and you ended up feeling hurt by that - and disappointed - so no, don't do it."
Another part says - "Do you really want to do that? If so, why? Is it because you want contact with her? Because she will possibly reply - but then can you really cope with contact? You don't really know what you want. So don't go there..."
Another part says - "She abandoned me when I was a little girl - she never came back to see how I was doing - how I was coping, even though she believed our FOO to be evil - how could she leave me in that situation? Why didn't she try to rescue me? Or at least tell someone and ask them for help to rescue me. She doesn't care about you - so don't go there."
I watched another programme about people who make contact with siblings or family members after a long period of separation and it's about 'What happens next' - and the person said that he had anticipated the reunion would be 'like a fairytale' with a good ending, but it wasn't like that. I think that is how I feel about my sister - I had hoped that things would be positive and happy - but of course, this is real life, and it's rarely like that. I guess I'm disappointed.
I think there are more parts of me that think it's a bad idea to send a card to her. A friend of mine suggested that I could send one, but not really write much in the card - and that it would literally by a symbol that a family member had thought of her.
I've pretty much decided I'm not going to send a card, but at the same time, I feel a great sense of 'angst' about this decision - and I am wondering if this will just increase as the Birthday approaches.
Maybe I'll try another 'letter to (not to send' and communicate to her in that way - and see what comes up in that letter. I might do that. Maybe later in the week.
I also want to write one of those letters to my F - because I have things I feel I want to communicate to him at the moment, and again, it will be a letter not to send. Just a way to get those thoughts and feelings out.
Taking note of these things here - I hope to remember to do them.
The other thing is that I would like to try one of Mary Bratton's Experiential Exercises, and I will make a note of it now, so I have made a note of it in my Journal. The exercise is:
Client Exercise: Keep a log of your discoveries about the ways your family altered reality, and write your own redefinitions to more accurately describe what happened.
I hope to start that log - and see what comes out of that.
Hopefully having these aims, and writing them here, will help me to consider doing them.
Hope :)
I had to pop back to talk about the process - because whilst I was writing what I just wrote, I didn't 'feel' anything - but then I read it back, and I literally felt lots of feelings - very strong, especially as I read what my different parts thought and felt - and I felt their emotions so strongly - bringing up tearful feelings - a surge of emotion - so I just wanted to write about that experience - and amazingly, whilst writing this - at this moment - I once again don't feel the emotion - whilst I'm writing it.
This makes me wonder about the modality of communication - the fact that whilst writing, I can literally switch off to the emotion, but then 'reading' and processing it back - it brings up surges of incredibly strong emotion.
Similarly with 'feeling' things - like the heat of things, I just don't feel them much - my partner is always amazed at the hot baths I get into, he says they are phenomenally hot. But somehow I don't experience that heat.
Anyway, I just wanted to reflect a bit on that experience.
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
I know I've been a little MIA lately but I just wanted to pop in.
I go through a similar situation about once a year as well. I've gone the route and went ahead and sent a generic card. A card just to let them know they were thought of on their birthday. Each year I'm a mess around that time and sending the card doesn't seem to help. I wrote a letter this year that I didn't send. I was hoping it would help. It hasn't :Idunno:
I guess I look at it this way... the mail and phone works both ways. Until your sis reaches out to you... maybe it's best to let it be. I think some of your parts may be saying something similar.
As far as as an unsent letter to your F... I think that's a good idea. Get that anger, frustration, pain out of you.
You are doing some huge stuff so I just wanted you to know that even though I'm not posting as much, I'm still reading and I still care about you :hug:
hi hope,
i wanted to acknowledge that 'stuck' feeling you mentioned after writing all you did about procrastination. i read that, and it seemed huge. i don't wonder if you didn't feel overwhelmed after writing that. that could account for feeling stuck. but the idea you have about taking all of it in small steps, a little at a time, breaking it down into manageable parts, as it were, sounded like you hit that nail right on the head.
as far as sending a card to your sister - what i read was a bunch of 'shoulds' related to sending the card, which are always related to guilt. do you really want to do something because you'd feel guilty otherwise? is that ever a healthy reason for us to do something?
on the other hand, all your reasons for staying away from her, not re-connecting, leaving her and her 'odd' ways to her sounded strong, valid, and reasonable. more true to you and your inners. i think that sends a strong message as to what is best for you and yours.
i know it's horrible to go back and forth with these kinds of things - my nc narc d and holidays come to mind. i know, tho, in my deepest being, that no good could come of it if i reached out. it's all been neg. in the past - why would it be any different now? has she changed, reached out to me, attempted any kind of reconciliation or resolution? unfortunately, the answer to all of that is 'no'.
just my thoughts on this. i think you're doing wonderfully, hope. keep up the good work. slowly but surely we'll tame this beast. love and hugs.
Quote from: BeHea1thy on August 14, 2018, 07:36:06 PM
The only thing I would suggest to consider is that by sending anything, it has the potential to elicit a response. You don't know what it will be and you can't control it.
The next question is, by opening the door (sending the card) do you want a response? My own decision making process about family contact involves working backwards from another's possible response to my own action or inaction. Just a thought.
:hug:
Hi BeHea1thy - thank you so much for your reply - and it's interesting to hear you also have the hot bath thing - I'm wondering if you have thought of why that happens. I haven't really come to any conclusion as to why.
Your suggestions of questions regarding sending the card are helpful - and I also appreciate the hug too. :hug: to you, BeHea1thy.
Hope :)
Quote from: Deep Blue on August 15, 2018, 01:10:08 AM
I guess I look at it this way... the mail and phone works both ways. Until your sis reaches out to you... maybe it's best to let it be. I think some of your parts may be saying something similar.
As far as as an unsent letter to your F... I think that's a good idea. Get that anger, frustration, pain out of you.
You are doing some huge stuff so I just wanted you to know that even though I'm not posting as much, I'm still reading and I still care about you :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - I really appreciate everything you said here, and also the hug, thank you. :hug: to you. I am coming more to the conclusion that I should just 'let things be' and probably not send a card - because the majority of my inners seem to be wanting me to not send one. There is only one part - which is the appeasing, polite, and probably fawning part, that wanted to send a card, and I'm not sure that that lone voice amongst the rest, who have legitimate reasons for wanting to protect me - well - I think I'll listen more to them in this instance. Thank you so much also for sharing your own experience of sending a card yourself - it is a difficult process sometimes - that's for sure! :hug:
Hope :)
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 15, 2018, 11:26:24 AM
as far as sending a card to your sister - what i read was a bunch of 'shoulds' related to sending the card, which are always related to guilt. do you really want to do something because you'd feel guilty otherwise? is that ever a healthy reason for us to do something?
on the other hand, all your reasons for staying away from her, not re-connecting, leaving her and her 'odd' ways to her sounded strong, valid, and reasonable. more true to you and your inners. i think that sends a strong message as to what is best for you and yours.
i know it's horrible to go back and forth with these kinds of things - my nc narc d and holidays come to mind. i know, tho, in my deepest being, that no good could come of it if i reached out. it's all been neg. in the past - why would it be any different now? has she changed, reached out to me, attempted any kind of reconciliation or resolution? unfortunately, the answer to all of that is 'no'.
just my thoughts on this. i think you're doing wonderfully, hope. keep up the good work. slowly but surely we'll tame this beast. love and hugs.
Hi SanMagic - thank you so much :hug: - I hadn't realised the list of 'shoulds' but you're right - there are - and it does suggest some 'guilt' - which I carry a lot of - because when I think about it, I am 8 years younger than my sister, and yet I feel as if I'm somehow responsible for the entire dysfunctional family - and I know in reality that can't be the case. But somehow I carry the guilt of the dysfunction. I need to look at that and see why I carry so much.
I appreciate all that you said, SanMagic, and also thanks for commenting about the procrastination, and that over-whelming aspect of that - you were spot on. I think I did feel over-whelmed at the time.
I am feeling as if I don't want to send a card - currently - I suspect this may wax and wane in terms of my feelings about it, but that's how I feel currently - and talking about it here in my diary and also hearing people's own perspectives and thoughts, it's been really helpful. Thank you.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 16th August 2018
My partner told me that I'd been 'shouting out' in my sleep last night, but he said he can't remember the content of what I was shouting. My own memory of the night is that I dreamed about a past work colleague - who had left my work-place a few years ago, having come there and suffered from depression whilst there - which wasn't unusual, as my work-place was an incredibly stressful place - and people would come and go, as no one seemed to be able to cope with staying too long. I managed to stay for a significant period of time, longer than many people had, but I know that it drained me more than I could cope with, and I 'went under' in the end as well. So the fact I was dreaming about my old work-place and a past colleague - it was a bit unsettling. The theme in the dream was one of hopelessness and futility - like I passed my colleague in the corridor and he didn't smile - he couldn't - he was weighed under with stress - and so was I. The building was old, decrepid and unloved. Pretty similar to the reality of the buildings I used to work in. Horrible conditions really.
I've been using the nlp technique that Eyessoblue suggested to me - visualising the stepping stones leading to the garden and the gate - and it is helpful. Trying to give myself some positive feedback and be nice to myself more. Someone gave me a compliment yesterday - complimented my hair, and even asked me if I'd had something done to it. They thought I'd been to a hairdresser and had some kind of treatment - I said no, but I was happy that they thought my hair looked nice. So I've tried to compliment myself on my hair this morning when I saw my reflection in the mirror.
Hope :)
i love that you're complimenting yourself, hope. very cool. our minds become conditioned to the messages they receive, so i believe that the more pos. messages we can cram into them (so to speak), the better off we'll be. keep up the good work. love and hugs, sweetie.
Hi SanMagic & BeHea1thy,
Thank you both - I appreciate your replies so much. :hug: :hug:
**********
Journal entry on 16th August 2018
I have just been out for a walk in the evening, and I found myself spontaneously saying to myself (in my head) "We're safe. We're safe now" - and just repeating that to my inners, helped to remind me that we are all 'safe' - I had thought I'd seen a FOO member whilst out - which had been triggering, so that was why I was then telling myself that it was very unlikely to have been a FOO member - as they should be a long distance away from where I am. It's not impossible, but it is unlikely. But saying 'We're safe' - it did seem to help and I found one of my inners found that very emotional - and responded to those words, but in a 'good way' - so it was a good thing to have done.
I am also pleased to have been out for a walk, as it was good for me. Some exercise.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 17th August 2018
I have been thinking about the fact that it was the Anniversary of the film 'Grease' - as this was a film I remembered going to see when I was a child, and I 'felt a certain age' at that time, with particular memories. However, now I realise that some of my memories are mixed up - in terms of how old I was at certain times, and also how old I 'felt inside'- and then I've realised how photos can impact on our memories too - and make us think about things in different ways.
Anyway, it's produced some mixed up feelings for me - as a result - but - I am now thinking that I can begin to re-process some things - realising how old I 'actually' was when certain things happened - the trouble with having fragmented parts, and fragmented memories is that I get snippets and I am attempting to piece things together - and make sense of them, but I realise that things have been encoded in different ways - due to the impact of the trauma on memory - I saw something that Kizzie shared about that - a diagram about memory and encoding, and it was helpful. I also remember things that Van der Kolk said about the processing of memories.
I'm keen to begin to write again about certain memories - and I hope to do that in my own detailed notebook - I think it will be helpful to me.
Maybe on the weekend I might manage to write a 'letter not to send' to try to get some feelings/emotions out - I felt as if I was nearer to doing that, but as I write about this now - I feel quite 'cold' about it - as if parts of me are not keen on that idea, but I realise that this varies greatly from moment to moment, so when I feel the time is right, then I think I will do it.
Hope :)
Hi Hope.
I had missed the fact that it was the forty year anniversary of the film "Grease". But I am always very triggered by any mention of that film, and especially hearing the theme tune on the radio. I saw it originally with my mother and sister. It has bad connections to where I was and who I was, at that age. So, I was very interested that you mentioned it.
All the best to you.
Libby.
i like your idea of writing a letter to get emotions/feelings out. i know those have helped me quite a bit along the way. i hope yours does as well.
keep taking care of you and your parts. what a reaffirming thing to say while you're walking. i think that was great, and i'm sure that all the you's got some benefit from doing that.
love and hugs, hope.
Hi Libby - so good to hear from you :hug: to you - I hope you're ok. I hope that you managed to get through the 40th Anniversary of the film 'Grease' - especially as it's triggering for you too. I hope you and your lovely dog are able to get out and enjoy some walks - I've been thinking of you.
Hi SanMagic - thanks for your encouraging words, which mean a lot. Love and hugs to you too :hug:
Hope :)
***
Journal Entry on 20th August 2018
I am finding weekends more triggering and harder to negotiate - mainly because they involve more social invites and gatherings than weekdays - and of course they are potentially triggering for me, and hard to negotiate. But I am glad that I did ok this weekend, and I managed to cope reasonably ok.
Now it's the weekdays again, I am hoping to progress with a few things - rather than procrastinate.
Hope :)
Journal entry on 22nd August 2018
I just want to write myself a note here - to remind myself to write about some of the things that have come up whilst I've been watching a TV series called 'Sharp Objects' - I hope to write about some things that have come to mind - in the forum - and I don't want to forget to do that.
If I could put into words how the past couple of days have been - it's a bit like swimming through murky water - recognising some things, and not seeing others. Bit similar to the feeling of walking in thick Edwardian skirts - unable to move very fast. Being constrained and held back - or maybe even trapped. Interesting themes - and I can see them a bit clearer now.
I also feel disconcerted - because I wonder if my inners are conspiring against me, in terms of hiding my Mary Bratton book - i.e. maybe they don't want me to get back to reading it. Maybe that is what the procrastination is about regarding my wish to de-clutter and 'sort things out' - maybe that is how people end up hoarding things - I purposefully threw out some pages I'd taken from magazines - just because it worried me that I might be hoarding/collecting - and I didn't want to do that.
I am getting in touch with more emotions - in amongst the murky water type feeling - there are pools of clarity now and again.
I watched an old film called 'The Awakenings' recently - with Robin Williams and Robert de Niro - and it had me in floods of tears - so upsetting. It was like those people had spent so many years of their life not 'seeing' or experiencing life - I do relate to that at some levels, because even though I've 'lived' my first few decades, I know that the traumatic effect of my early life on my inners - means we all fragmented and coped in the best way we could, but maybe we didn't all see and experience things as we would have liked to. I realise it could have been worse for us - many people would look at 'my' life and think I have had some incredibly positive and successful things - on paper it would look glossy perhaps, but I've not shown the other side of myself to many people - only recently really have I been more 'open' about things to close friends. Even then, I've been careful regarding what I've shared, and what I've kept to myself.
I am so grateful that I have been able to be completely open with my partner - I really feel he understands me.
However, I am also aware that having this forum - it is a life-saver - because people here really understand - and when I'm 'swimming against the tide' and 'can't see the surroundings' I feel glad that I can come here - and it feels like a respite.
I'm going to try to tidy things up - to find my Mary Bratton book - and actually start re-reading it - and trying to do the experiential exercises. I really think they will help me. I want to reassure any parts of me that are anxious or concerned, that we'll try to do this in a way that is safe and paced - and that we can stop anytime we're not comfortable. We know we could see a therapist if it got too much - but hopefully we won't need to do that. I say 'we' because I speak for all my fragmented inner parts - I'm still getting to know them myself, and I have to say it's a relief to finally have an understanding of why I have felt so many contrasting emotions - and so many conflicting feelings - and now I listen to them, rather than try to push them away, or distract from them.
Hope :)
Journal entry on 24th August 2018
Writing about the Narcissistic Parenting points that Karyl McBride had listed in an article she wrote, and exploring my own reactions to those - and finding that I relate so closely to pretty much all of them - it didn't surprise me, as I'd found a very intense reaction when I first read them. I was glad to have worked through the list yesterday - and wrote something - but I realise that I wrote it in a way which felt very much as if I was intellectualising rather than 'feeling' the emotions - and I've just written to Libby about how I feel that doors have closed a bit on my wish to explore further just now, for fear of becoming over-whelmed.
Each point on Karyl McBride's list - it's basically huge in terms of my thoughts and feelings and I wrote a summary - where I would only speak about the things that felt 'safe' to me - rather than some of the more disturbing memories I have. I realise there's a lot of editing goes on in my mind - by different parts of me, and I am always careful about what I say and how I am - but maybe that's because 'image' and stuff like that is more important than I gave credit - I thought I could be authentic and true to my feelings, but maybe I'm not even sure about what 'is' authentic and true.
This weekend feels stressful - it's a long weekend - and lately I've found weekends more stressful than weekdays - due to greater likelihood of social things - which I find stressful. But I will do my best to cope and get through them.
Part of me today wants to escape and go somewhere where there's nobody about at all - I feel like I'd like to be more of a hermit and escape. I feel annoyed by things more than usual. Perhaps it is anger that I'm feeling. I'm not sure though - not even sure who it's directed at. But maybe it's due to going through that list yesterday and realising just how much I've been affected - but I already knew that - at the same time. So what is it? I'm not sure.
Hope :)
i agree with behealthy about self-preservation, wanting to isolate so as not to become overwhelmed. we poke at these things, our issues, emotions, feelings, thoughts, whatever, and they can certainly become too much too fast at times.
take your time, hope. you are progressing, being more open to further exploration, being more ready to feel and realize lots of different things. you don't have to do it all by tomorrow - there are no deadline police standing over us. it's good to push ourselves at times, but also good to know when not to push, take a breath and a breather. we're allowed that.
very glad for you and your partner, and very glad you've got this forum. i feel the same way about it - it has been a life-saver for me as well. i hate to think where i might be if not for being able to come here. love and hugs, sweetie.
Hi BeHea1thly & SanMagic,
You are both such lovely people - thank you for your replies - it means a lot. I found what you each said very kind and also wise. Thank you both. :hug: :hug:
*****Journal Entry on 25th August 2018
I have aching legs today - they really hurt!
I have experienced more contact with my inner children - many of them have been activated by what I wrote the other day - and it's stirred up many thoughts, memories and I felt as if I awakened a 'teenage' part of myself - and I had that weird experience of 'observing my body' and noticing how much older it is now - as if 'she' (the teenage self) didn't realise I've grown older - bit disconcerting really. But I'm not fearing this experience - I am accepting it. I just told her (the teenage self) that I am older - and that she is safe - she doesn't need to worry anymore.
I'm trying to relax this weekend, and not put pressure on myself. I am also doing some dot-to-dots to keep my younger inner children happy - and they do like it. It's relaxing.
I was over-eating last night - almost a binge - but having my partner around stopped that from happening, as I would have felt like a glutton - but it brought back memories of past years when I was living alone for some parts of my life, and then I would binge - and didn't stop myself. To numb the feelings - I have no doubt.
I think I'd like to read parts of the forum about other people's Inner Child work - as I saw something that Woodsgnome had written - and it was very helpful. I think it will help me to read those parts of the forum - to see how people work with their inner children. Something Blueberry said - in her writings was also helpful - I need to look for what she said again though, as I've forgotten where it was! Ah, I think it was how Blueberry said that she often had to have time to process her emotions and feelings - that it took time - and I related to so much to that - it's the same for me - often I can write things and NOT feel anything as I write them, but then reading them back later, then I can get in touch with the feelings - but even then, it can be difficult. They can be transient and slip away quickly - as if a door closes on them, and they are out of view.
Anyway, I am ok - but my legs hurt quite a bit - I have been doing some walking, but nothing unusual - so I don't know why I hurt so much. I'm wondering if it's a communication from a wounded/fragmented part - I don't know. I think it could be. But I don't know the connection. But I am listening to that, and wondering how to help myself with this. I won't worry about it - I'll just try to rest and hopefully it will get better.
Hope :)
Hope I've been reading and keep wanting to say something encouraging.
I'm struggling too much though.... so can I just say I care about you and send you a :hug:
Hi BeHea1lthy - thank you so much for suggesting my leg pain might be due to being dehydrated - I think that could have been true - it makes a lot of sense. I feel better today, no more pain. So that's good. Thanks also for the encouragement that I'm on the 'right road' - I do feel like I am, and I will strive hard not to lose heart, and pursue this.
Hi Deep Blue - I really appreciate your reply - and I also care about you too - sending you a hug :hug: - I know you're struggling at the moment, so stay strong, Deep Blue - thinking of you. Hope that you'll be ok.
***
Journal Entry on 26th August 2018
I've survived the weekend so far, but it's a long weekend - Bank holiday Monday tomorrow - could be a couple more 'social' things to get through. I am finding it a bit of a challenge - but so far so good. I have managed to find my books - so that's made me feel better - I was doing a bit of tidying up - so that was progress. Finding my books means I can read them again. I've got Janina Fisher's book and Mary Bratton's book - those are the 2 that are the ones that interest me the most at the moment, and I am so happy to have them.
Hope :)
Hi BeHea1thy,
Thank you so much for popping by and asking about how I am. I read your message before going to bed last night, and wanted to 'think' about 'how I am' - and so today I can tell you better - i.e. after some thought - I would say that the past couple of days have been quite good - because I've been 'doing more' - taking some action to actually tidy some things, clean some things, and generally sort through and 'find' some things. Finding my books - I started to read Mary Bratton's book again - from the start - and found that I was able to 'take it in' more - than before. By that I mean, that instead of intellectualising I was really 'seeing' and 'feeling' a bit more - which then resulted in me being a bit over-whelmed by the 'reality' of the situation - it's as if before I've realised I've had things that are traumatic - but there's been a massive thick screen between me and the 'reality' of those things - i.e. thoughts like 'Did these things really happen' - 'Are they really significant?' - almost 'Did they actually happen?' - and therefore somehow thinking that it was a 'story' and wasn't connected to me.
I feel sure this makes sense - to people in this forum - and I do realise that I have been dissociated so often - and in many situations - both past and current ones. So I am battling to 'stay present' in situations, and to process things differently - to try to 'be here' and 'experience'.
So - I think I'm doing ok - and I think I feel like it's worth pursuing this - this journey towards integrating my fragmented parts/inner children. So we can live in harmony rather than fragmented discord - and I want to save each and every one of the parts of myself that allowed me to get this far in life - because they all did what they could to survive a difficult childhood and also the enmeshment of FOO throughout much of my adult life too.
BeHea1thy - you have helped me a lot on this recent path - and I was thrilled that the book 'Soulful Simplicity' arrived in my library and I was able to collect it yesterday - and it is here with me on my desk - and it is a beautiful book - I am relishing reading it. I am sure I will enjoy it. Thank you for recommending it - which you did by your enthusiasm in your Journal when you were reading it. I could see it was a special book by what you said about it and how you described it.
*****
Journal Entry on 29th August 2018
I have woken today and felt some positivity about the day and about where things are going in relation to processing my past - having the structure of Mary Bratton's book - and the memories of Janina Fisher's book - together are a great structure for going forward.
The Bank Holiday weekend was quite tough to get through - but it's gone now, and I was able to minimise social obligations - which helped me to cope better. I didn't avoid them altogether, just minimised them - so it was manageable.
Regarding my inner children - I did some dot-to-dots occasionally to relax my younger parts, and I also felt like at some points my 'teenage' parts were present - and they were disgruntled and snappy - but I was able to keep them in check and stop them from criticising my partner - which is what they seemed to want to do... Not sure what that was about...
I've also been trying to be 'more in the moment' and concentrate on TV programmes and films - and really 'be there' - as opposed to my usual tendency to zone out and dissociate and 'be elsewhere' which means I end up not being able to follow a plot or know what has happened in a film or programme. I did better - so that was good.
Hope :)
Thanks so much BeHea1thy :hug: to you.
*****
Journal Entry on 30th August 2018
Had a bit of a strange dream last night. A friend of mine who was an ex colleague died (in real life) and that happened about a year ago - but in my dream they were alive again and had sent me an E-mail. Then of course, when I woke up, I felt the frustration of wondering what they had wanted to communicate to me - I think maybe that was what the dream represented - not knowing or understanding why someone would die at a relatively 'young' age - unexpectedly. Doesn't seem fair.
I have a couple of social things that I've agreed to attend - so I am trying to bolster up my confidence to do that.
I have been pleased with how my reading of Mary Bratton's book was yesterday - I felt as if things are beginning to finally 'make sense' - before it was like reading something that was more 'interesting' but I can really 'feel' my reaction - and also beginning to see how my FOO were incredibly dysfunctional - and that I have actually been traumatised massively by so many aspects of my childhood. I can also see how my tendency to dissociate has protected me.
I am intending to do more de-cluttering and tidying this afternoon - if I can do even just half an hour, it will be progress. That's what I've planned to do - a minimum, and then any extra time spent on it will be a bonus.
Hope :)
you know, hope, i've discovered a similar realization, altho it's also about other people in my life along with foo. it seems like the more i get into all this, the more traumatic the trauma becomes. like i didn't realize the depth of it or the profundity of its effects on me.
i'm glad for you that you are getting thru this. i really am. and tackling your minimum for decluttering sounds like a great idea. love and hugs to you, sweetie.
Hi SanMagic,
Thanks - what you said makes sense to me. Realising the depth and profundity of the effects of things. Thanks for validating this, and also encouraging me. I am grateful to you and to everyone here.
************
Journal Entry for 1st September 2018
It's been a challenging couple of days - because I think I've been swinging between more dissociating and also more focus on issues - and it's bringing up some uncomfortable feelings and also some kind of compulsive behaviours where I want to eat a lot and numb myself. I also ended up lacking in concentration to the extent that I fell down half of the stairs - and bruised myself - but thankfully it wasn't anything too bad. Just felt a bit shaken up by it - and I'm going to be 'extra careful' now.
I ended up putting the container with the tea-bags in it in a place that I would never put them - and consequently couldn't find them - thankfully they turned up eventually - but I was thinking that I am definitely NOT focusing properly - and I'm quite accident prone and also unable to focus properly. I've been staring at some jeans on a chair and wondering whose they are - and have discovered they are mine!!! It's like I'm seeing some things for the 'first time' and not recognising them. So it's a perceptual thing. Not sure what to make of it, but I wonder if I've awakened another part of me - another inner child - one that is older, because my emotions feel like those of a petulant and upset teenager - feeling critical of things, and wanting my 'space' - not wanting people to invade my space, wanting to push anyone in my space away from me.
I need to keep this in check a bit, because I don't want to end up treating anyone around me in a negative way - I don't want to snap at them, or upset them. I guess I've awoken some feelings and emotions that had been dormant for a while.
I'm going to try to just tolerate it - rather than do anything very different - but it is disconcerting.
My partner thinks I am reading too many 'of those books' - so I can see that he notices the changes in me, and it probably makes him feel certain things. So I am keen to ensure that I don't make him feel excluded by this processing. I need to find a balance so that I can continue processing and working on things, and continue to relate positively to people around me.
Just wanted to write about this - whilst it is fresh in my mind.
Although I have described feeling 'disconcerted' - I actually think it's positive that I'm 'feeling' things.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
Just wanted to pop by and say thank you for your lovely message in my journal.
And if it's okay a gentle hug :hug:
Hi Sceal, Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. A gentle hug back to you too :hug:
****
Journal Entry on 3rd September 2018
I feel quite over-whelmed at the moment, because I feel like I am desperately trying to minimise my emotions and reactions - but yet they are very prominent and I can't dull them down. I have got lots of cravings to eat bad things, and I've given into that a few times this week - consequently I've put on weight. Not feeling good about that.
My bruises are changing colour - and some have gone a bit 'green' in colour... Yellowy green. I even saw one in a place I didn't even realise I'd hurt - and my partner said to me that maybe I just didn't realise I'd hurt myself in that location - it's just on my leg, but I hadn't realised I'd bruised myself there when I fell down the stairs. But I know I'm lucky - because I basically didn't hurt myself very badly - it could have been worse. Just a bit shaken up more than anything. But I do think I was in a bit of a dissociative state when I was walking down the stairs, and that is why I think that I fell.
My partner also asked me whether I thought I would get any better with all the reading and going over the past that I do - and I told him that I feel as if he doesn't really want me to continue with my reading and processing as he thinks it makes me worse. He agreed that he does think that. At least he was honest about it. But I told him that I feel impelled to continue, because I feel like I need to be more in control of my fate - and that I want to understand things better. He suggested to me that I've been looking for answers for quite a few years already.
This got me thinking about how life is lived - i.e. how much time is spent in the 'here and now' and how much is spent either thinking about the past or worrying about the future. I would like to ideally have a better balance, where I can live in the here and now more, but also have a good understanding of the past, and also 'deal better' with any future worries or thoughts. Easier said than done, I guess.
I feel a bit overwhelmed, so I am going to just try to sit with my emotions and my feelings, and not put much pressure on myself to do any particular thing.
Hope :)
Back again, and feeling better than I was earlier - so that is good. I think I must have been experiencing some EF's - because I felt so over-whelmed - I used some grounding techniques - counting things in the room and telling myself I was going to be ok. It did help. I managed to resist the urge to overeat on bad things, and had something to eat that was ok. I've written myself a list of things I'd like to try to do tomorrow - and I'll see how it goes.
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
Personally, I think you are very brave. I struggle with looking back at my past and my traumas. Even therapy is supposed to be a safe place and I find myself changing the subject quite often.
I'm guessing you are correct in that you had an EF. If you do feel worried about spending too much time analyzing then maybe take care of some of your current needs. Make yourself some tea, enjoy a funny show, do something not recovery related. Perhaps you and your partner could do something together?
Take good care Hope
Deep Blue
Hi Three Roses - thank you!!!! :)
Hi Deep Blue - thanks for what you said, I appreciate it. I am trying to establish more balance between allowing myself time to 'recover' as well as 'live life' in the here and now. You're right, focusing on current needs is important too - and I will consider things that me and my partner could potentially do together - nice idea. :)
I understand that you struggle with looking back at your past and your traumas, and I think that's a normal thing - but I am glad that you have some places that maybe feel safer than others where you can hopefully explore things - at a time and pace that feels right. One thing that I've listened to in Mary Bratton's book is that she says people should choose the time and pace of their recovery journey and that there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way about it. That is refreshing to hear - I hope I've not mis-quoted her - I am going by my memory of what she said, so I could have leapt into my own understanding of it - which might be different than what she actually said or intended...
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Journal entry on 4th September 2018
Managing to make some progress with my list of things that I wanted to get done. Slow, but nevertheless some progress. So that's good! My massive cravings for bad foods seem to have gone, so I am relieved about that. I feel calmer.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
I wanted to jump in here with a huge "thank you" for your open and honest journal. Its encouraging to read of how you are climbing out of the darkness of the past and moving forward in the present. I can relate to much of what you're feeling. I'm about halfway through reading Janina Fisher's book. It has been an eye opener that has helped me understand a lot of my behavior, actions and feelings.
I especially wanted to thank you for your answers to my first posts on this site a few weeks ago. I could feel a lot of warm, heartfelt empathy and understanding in your responses. You helped me feel I belonged here right from the start. Your generously offered :hug: allowed me to feel accepted for who I am - a healing human being reaching out for help. I honestly want it to be ok to send you :hug: back to you for being who you are and sharing yourself with all of us.
Luke
Hi Luke,
I am truly touched emotionally by your reply - thank you so much. I remember your first posts on this site, and our interaction then - and I did feel a great sense of empathy with you - due to some shared experience - and I am glad that my reply to you was helpful in some way. I'm glad that you feel you belong here - because that is a lovely feeling to have acceptance and understanding somewhere, and I feel that here too. It's a special place - that's for sure, but made that way by the people - I'm glad you're here. I like your description of being a 'healing human being reaching out for help' and I also relate to that description too. Thank you for the hug, and sending one to you :hug:
I am glad that you are finding Janina Fisher's book helpful - it's a key book for me - I have re-read it a couple of times, and will be going back to it again once I've gone back through Mary Bratton's book - as I find them hugely complementary. It's great how Janina is able to provide such a great structure to help understanding of behaviour, actions and feelings - I feel the same way. Wishing you the best Luke for a continued journey to wherever you wish to go/or whatever you wish to achieve. Glad you're feeling comfortable in the forum, and I'll look out for your posts.
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Journal Entry on 5th September 2018
Feeling ok so far - slept well - I've got a list of things I'd like to try to achieve today - and I'll see how it goes. I have a social thing later today as well - potentially two - depending on whether I get an appointment sorted out or not. I hope to get some time to read my book too - but it feels like a busy day ahead. Feeling good that I seem to have some energy back - and that my cravings for bad foods have gone - for the moment. That's a good result. I want to write about some of my reflections on Mary Bratton's book - but I'm not feeling quite ready yet to do that. As I know it will be quite triggering for me when I do that - but I am writing this here, to remind myself of my intention to do that.
Hope :)
Dear Hope,
I haven't been able to check in on how you've been, so I'm not sure what you've been through. But I am celebrating your victories of the progress you've made on the list of things you want to do, and to overcome the cravings of bad foods. :cheer:
Sending you warm thoughts, and well wishes! I hope to be around alittle bit more now.
Sceal :hug:
Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much. I appreciate your cheer very much, and also your warm thoughts. Thanks also for the hug, and please know it is warmly reciprocated :hug:
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Journal Entry on 6th September 2018
I managed to get an appointment I wanted - it will be tomorrow, and that is good. I also managed to do some things I'd wanted to do yesterday - so I am feeling positive so far. I didn't get much time to do anymore reading though, and I do hope to have chance over the weekend. Possibly later today as well. I was re-reading some of my Journal yesterday - and it always surprises me to see the different things I've written - and also the contrast between how 'tongue-tied' and 'uncertain' I felt at the start - hardly able to say anything - and now I feel like I am able to communicate - but I know it's purely because people here understand and don't judge me. I also feel it's safe to say things. Nothing bad has happened. I wish that could have been something I could have felt when I was little. Still, better late than never, and as I gain strength, I can hopefully nurture and support my wounded and fragmented inner selves - so we can live together in harmony and without walls.
Hope :)
Hope that's so beautiful,
:grouphug: I love the image of all your wounded fragmented parts living in harmony. Well done sweetie, you work so hard. Hold tight to the moments when you realize growth. Write them down and keep them as reminders lest you struggle again
Warm wishes :hug:
Deep Blue
Thank you so much Deep Blue - :hug: to you too.
Hope :)
Journal Entry for 8th September 2018
I've decided I'm going to try an experiment for the remainder of September - whereby I'm going to take a break from the internet and focus on trying to do things that are purely for my inner children - i.e. if they want to do dot-to-dots - that's what we'll do - if they want to go for a walk - we will. We'll read things that are more pleasure-based - rather than analytical. But only for the remainder of September, and then in October we can focus more on progressing with a balance of things, and I can re-connect with the internet and things connected to that. I have seen a few people saying they are taking a break from their smart phones and their various links to the internet in September, and it struck me as a good idea.
Although I realise that means a break from this forum too - and I think that will be strange, as I've been pretty much looking in here almost daily - sometimes several times a day. But a break will be possibly a good thing, as it will mean I will need to focus on other things - in the here and now, in my life, in my home, and in my daily life.
So I will look forward to coming back here in October and sharing my thoughts and reflections on what this 'experiment' will have been like. I'm already looking forward to the changes, and to seeing what I end up doing.
I have been procrastinating at so many levels - because I was working full-time for years and years, and then I am no longer working, and that's a massive change. But I've not been able to focus myself on feeling comfortable in what I'm 'doing'. Somehow time has expanded and yet I sometimes wonder where the time actually goes. Because it does go, and some days I think I have done quite a few things, and other days, hardly anything. It all depends on how I've been feeling, and that does vary.
The great thing is that it's a choice - and I've made it - I find it hard to make choices for myself - but I have made this one - the choice to take a break and focus on nurturing my inner children, and when I was a child, there wasn't any social media, or internet - I had to cope by busying myself in ways that involved my imagination and the toys that were around at the time. So maybe re-connected with my inner children will be easier if I try to repeat that pattern.
I think I'll start this experiment on Monday - and then hope to come back here in October. But if I don't last that long, then you'll know - because I'll be back before then! At least there's no rules about this, and I am making my own decisions. I think my partner will appreciate this, as I know he worries about the amount of time I spend reading self-help books and so if he sees me reading different things, or maybe even painting and drawing, which is what I'd like to do - then he'll be happy, and I'll be able to do things with him as and when we get the time together to do things. So it's going to be positive for both of us.
I feel as if I'm almost explaining why I think this is a good idea, but I do want to outline the plan and then 'go with it'.
I will however miss coming here - I know that - but I will be back - and I shall miss everyone - but look forward to re-connecting when October comes.
In the past, the thought of saying any kind of 'Goodbye' would be intensely triggering to me, and I've managed to write the word just then, and it brought a lump to my throat - and tears to my eyes, but the intensity of the feeling isn't as strong as it used to be - so that has changed. Probably because I have more trust that I can return to something, and that it won't be taken away from me. I can choose to return, and it will be possible, as long as I am still breathing, and I very much hope to be alive and well in October to come back here.
Hope :)
Sounds like tons of progress :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Have fun painting, drawing and reading non-self-help books! I like children's books myself :) See you back in October :hug: :hug:
Much love to you Hope
:bighug:
Hope...2 lines in your journal stood out for me:
1...."The great thing is that it's a choice - and I've made it - I find it hard to make choices for myself - but I have made this one" :thumbup: ...we all need that feeling more often...
2. "I have more trust that I can return to something, and that it won't be taken away from me."
:applause: That too is such a grand feeling.
Thanks...hope this is a productive break for you.
Hope,
Sounds like you're making some very wise and healing decisions for yourself and your inner children. :thumbup: You can't go wrong when you're doing that.
I'll miss you and be looking forward to your return in October or whenever you're ready. Take as long as you need. :hug:
Luke
Hi Hope,
I am sending you some warm thoughts, and I think this is a really wonderful desicion you've made for yourself.
Hi Blueberry, DeepBlue, Woodsgnome, Luke57 & Sceal - It is great to read your comments, and I appreciate them so much! It's a lovely welcome back to see them, and I've missed you and everyone else I've related to in here :grouphug:
*****
Journal Entry on 1st October 2018
So my 'break' from internet and digital stuff for the past few weeks has been a good decision for me, although I also missed aspects of it too, but I think I needed to see how things would be - and as woodsgnome pointed out, I had made a choice - and that was a good thing!
I am also looking forward to re-connecting here, and to taking further steps in my journey along the road to managing c-ptsd - to befriending my parts further, and to getting back to some self-help literature - I've already ordered another book - I will put the title down later - I can't remember it from my memory, but it is about Dissociation, and it was recommended by someone in the forum, so I feel sure it will be worthwhile to read it.
I was wondering what I would write - and I realise that I will just go with the flow and write - but probably more over the week, than today.
Ironically - I found that just a few minutes into starting to write here, the electricity had a power outage, and I then felt quite 'helpless' as my partner is out - and I actually didn't know what to do! i.e. he usually deals with such things, and I don't even know where to look for the trip switch - this shows me how dependent I have made myself - to not know that. I am going to ask him how to do it, when he gets back. I was wondering how I'd cook the food, for our meal tonight, then I started to worry about the freezer defrosting everything, and then thankfully the power just came back on again 10 minutes later!!! Phew!
Anyway, that's been an interesting few minutes in itself, so I'll leave it for now, and think about cooking some food, while I can - I hope the power will stay on.
Hope :)
Hope,
I've missed you these last few weeks on the forum. I was checking the journals to see if you would be back today :hug:
I'm glad your time away from technology was cathartic. Anyway, I just missed you
Welcome back, Hope :wave:
I'm glad taking time off here turned out to be a good decision for you. :hug: :)
:) Good to see you here again; also cool note that your time away seemed to do well for your needs. Congrats for having chosen to gain a fresh perspective helping you move forward. :applause:
Welcome back, good to see you. 💖
Welcome back, Hope!
I've been thinking of you, and hoping you've been well! Glad to hear that your time off did you good.
Lovely to have you back, Hope. You have been really missed.
Hugs.
Libby
Hi Deep Blue, Blueberry, Woodsgnome, Three Roses, Sceal & Libby - Sending you all the warmest hugs, :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: and thank you all for your Welcoming words - I appreciate them all and I appreciate you all. This forum is aptly named 'Out of the Storm' because it feels like such a safe and understanding place, with people who really understand things. It feels like an oasis of calm to me. I missed you all, and I am glad to be back, but at the same time, I was also glad to have had time away from checking internet stuff and I am returning with the hope that I will be able to have a 'balance' between the choices I make in life. I'll see how it goes!
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Journal Entry on 3rd October 2018
I feel as if I want to write about quite a few things, but somehow it feels hard to know 'where to start' and what to say. Hence, I haven't really managed to think of how to structure my thoughts and feelings to convey what I want to say here - hence I haven't really - so I've decided to just 'be' - and just see what happens.
My younger parts were a bit upset yesterday, as a childhood entertainer (called Geoffrey) had died, and so Little Hope remembered how much she liked spending time with his childhood characters (Zippy, Bungle etc) - Little Hope was very upset - and she showed it when my partner made a joke about one of the characters - he didn't mean anything bad by it, but Little Hope was distraught and cried, and Adult Hope ended up feeling her distress and showing it. Thankfully he understands more when I'm experiencing things like that. I thought of you Libby, as I feel sure you'd remember Geoffrey too. We must have been about 8 years of age when he was around.
Actually, knowing that - makes me realise 'how young' I was at such an age - because there's part of me that 'feels as if I was more adult' at those young ages - and yet, with events like that, it reminds me that I was actually extremely young and childlike.
My new book has arrived, and I am very impressed by it - just because it's an enormous hard-back book - it was expensive - but it was less than £30, which is my limit on books - I think they are good value in terms of a comparison with therapy prices, and will last me forever - the title is: "Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation: A Practical, Integrative Approach" by Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon & Onno Van Der Hart - and it's a 2017 edition! I think it was Kizzie who had mentioned that a group of people had been working through a previous edition of that book, so I'm hoping to start to read it, and maybe add my own comments to their notes - if that is appropriate - I think I'll do that. Not sure when I'll start to read it. I've not read any self-help books for a few weeks.
Mind you, I did read the one that BeHealthy1 recommended - called 'Soulful Simplicity' by Courtney Carver - and it's 'how living with less can lead to so much more' - I enjoyed reading it, but I was glad I didn't actually buy it - I borrowed it from the library - I think I sound a bit horrible to say that, but there was just something about it - didn't completely feel that it touched my soul - but basically not many books would do that, and it's a big 'ask' to expect them to... There were some good points in the book, but for some reason my memory isn't allowing me to access them right now! Not sure why...
I'd like to say I 'achieved a lot' during my break from the internet etc, and when I say that I mean things like the process of de-cluttering, being more productive, stuff like that - but you know - I can't really say that - I don't feel that I have moved forward that much - but I feel more comfortable in my skin - and I feel less 'guilty' about things - I feel as if it's 'ok' if I make a particular decision, and that I shouldn't criticise myself so much. Maybe that's dealing better with my inner and outer critics.
TW - mentioning 'hitting out' - but only in a non-violent sense - a thought of hitting out, rather than actually hurting someone...
Regarding my 'parts' - I feel as if there is an 'angrier' part that has woken up and will actually express herself sometimes, via thoughts, and she actually wants to physically express those feelings - and then I have to remind her that whoever she is wanting to hit out at, is actually not a bad person, and that she is safe, and doesn't need to hit anyone to protect herself. This is purely a thought, rather than an actual action. I've rarely ever hit anyone - maybe a couple of occasions in my life - but I've felt as if I would have liked to have done so, to protect myself, but my reaction has been one of 'freezing' or 'going numb' or 'dissociating' rather than actually reacting in a different way.
TW - mentioning CSA -
I re-read my writings about CSA and found that a wave of incredibly strong emotion rushed up to my senses, when I read the kind things about MamaBear - that Wife2 had shared with me - and how supportive that was that there would be a 'protector' for little hope - and that MamaBear would be there when I needed her. That really has helped me in so many ways.
End of TW
So, I feel I've written more than I felt like I could, when I started this Journal entry today.
I also want to catch-up with other people's Journals, but I'm going to pace myself, as I find it interesting that re-connecting here in the forum is also quite emotionally demanding, probably because I feel that I have 'connected' with people, and therefore feel a sense of caring towards them - and I want to ensure that me and Little Hopes are ok. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but it is emotionally tiggering - I'll leave it at that. It's a bit like when I feel I want to join in on the 'Healing Porch' but then feel over-whelmed by the kindness there - so I read it from afar - but in my mind, I connect with the people there - and that is meaningful and special.
Hope :)
I am just returning briefly to say, that 'during' my writing above, I felt 'ok' - quite non-emotional mostly - but re-reading it causes me and other parts of me to feel 'very emotional' and brings up tears. Also a lump in my throat physically. This often happens to me - i.e. I can write whilst feeling relatively little emotion, but it's the re-reading that causes the emotional response. I might put this query out as a general posting, to see if others feel that way, and why that might be.
Hope :)
hey, hope,
since i've been away from here for a goodly length of time myself, i didn't realize you'd been gone, but i'm glad you're back. you are always so sweet and gentle to people here and it does my heart good to know you're with us again.
i understand that emotional response you spoke about. i've had sadness come up when realizing (thru re-reading or re-thinking) what i've missed, or how difficult it is for me still to take in the good stuff from people. i can feel very sad about that, or, like when you speak of the kindness on the healing porch, simply overwhelmed. sometimes i feel it's getting better, that i can just take it in and enjoy the feeling, but at other times, nope, just not quite there.
i hope your book is helpful for you. funny, how that one book from the library turned out to be the one that really didn't touch you deeply - and thankfully, it's the one you didn't have to pay for.
keep taking care of you, sweetie. love and hugs.
Hi SanMagic,
Thanks so much for your kind comments here, I really appreciate them, and I hope you've had some good time away - I didn't realise you were going to be away too - so I'm glad you're back, and I will be hoping to catch up with your Journal - and also those of others, as I really want to re-connect and see how things are going.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the emotional response side of things - it was helpful to read your reply - and I am hopeful that maybe over time, it will get easier to process - you've certainly given me some hope for that, with what you said.
Love and hugs to you, SanMagic.
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Journal Entry on 4th October 2018
I am keen not to set myself any 'expectations' today - because I am not sure how I'm feeling - so I'll just see how today goes.
Hope :-)
Hey Hope,
Sometimes the days without expectations or plans end up being the most healing days for me. I "hope" the same for you :bigwink:
Hi Deep Blue - Thank you for sharing that - because the day was ok, despite not having expectations, and perhaps better for it, so I do relate to what you said. :hug:
Hi BeHea1thy - I appreciate your replies here - and I admire your skill to take quotes and include them all in a reply - I haven't worked out how to do more than one quote yet - I like your description of 'nugget'- and it's good that you found one in what I wrote. That makes me smile. :) It's very validating - thank you.
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Journal Entry on 6th October 2018
I attended something social last night, and it was triggering in many ways - there were some unexpected things that happened, and I think I coped relatively ok. But it had a big effect on my sleep - as I felt as if the 'angry part' of me was not able to sleep - and was trying to protect me from 'invasion' - and unfortunately my partner was trying to comfort me, as I must have been talking 'out loud' in those times when I was between sleep and waking, and I have some limited memories of what was said, and how I felt, but I was trying to explain to him that I couldn't cope with the pressure of everything - and I was also very scared that I might hurt him by lashing out at him in my sleep - fearing he might be an attacker for example. Trying to explain that whilst in a semi-awake state, caused me to become even more 'upset' and that awakened a very distressed and very young part of myself, and then my head hurt so much, and I ended up crying - thankfully I was able to get to sleep after this, and slept through the remainder of the night, but it was difficult at the time, and I realise it was down to coping with so much last night - it over-stressed my whole system, and many parts of me.
I have started to read the book about Dissociation, and I think that has affected me, as I really relate to what is written there so much! I am grateful to have found a book - once again - that is 'on track' with my experiences and I feel it will benefit me to read it, but at the same time it's 'hard-work' - as I feel like I'm containing so much emotion in so many different places. I'm also noticing patterns in my life that have repeated themselves - I hope to write more about that when I feel I can share it, but at the moment it feels too raw and personal to write about it. But by writing it here, I can then hopefully remember to develop it later - if I still feel it's relevant.
I also felt over-whelmed this morning, as I considered that there are lots of things I 'should' be doing - or 'should' have done - and that I just don't get round to tackling/doing, and then I realised how many times the word 'should' was featuring, and so I'm trying to stand back, and just think - it's Saturday, and there's no 'rules' for today - I can do what I want - I can do it, or not do it, and there won't be any awful consequences if I don't. So I can choose to tackle something or not - and that's ok.
I think I'm still quite triggered by last night, so I need to try to relax in some way. Maybe a cup of tea. I'll make one of those.
Hope :)
Sweet Hope,
I thought of you a lot yesterday. We have suicide prevention organizations in the states and some of the shirts just say HOPE and the letter "o" is a lifesaver. I wore mine proudly yesterday and thought of you often.
I'm glad you were able to finally get some sleep. Do you ever nap during the day if you need it? I'm not sure how it is for you, but I tend to not have nightmares when I nap.
Sometimes I have noticed that the angry part of me is a protector. Does yours do that? I find anger a more comfortable emotion than fear if I'm being honest.
Take care today and try to enjoy your Saturday :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - I love your kind and lovely reply here - thank you so much. It means a lot. :) Your suggestion about napping in the day - yes, I do that sometimes, and I think you're right - it would be helpful - I'm glad to hear that you don't tend to have nightmares when you nap - I had missed the opportunity to do that yesterday, and I was incredibly tired - and last night felt like it went on 'forever' in some ways.
I have identified the protector aspect to that angry part of me - I also relate very much to what you say there - and I had already been conversing with that part to try to ensure that I didn't end up acting out those feelings of anger towards the ones who I love - i.e. my partner, as he's the one most often around me. I recognise that sometimes - actually more often than I realised before - the angry protector part is trying to make sure I am ok - but that it goes 'over the top' - i.e. that level of protection just isn't necessary.
I did feel some intense 'fear' too - last night, and that was when my head hurt, and I felt the connection to a very very small Little Hope - who was terrified. I felt that emotion so intensely.
But you know, I'm beginning to feel better for 'feeling these things' - because now I am beginning to understand the links to why I feel those things now, and potentially why I felt them as a child - and I guess that's the re-processing - I am so glad that I have been able to add some context to these things, and I recognise how much talking with people here - and connecting with people who understand - it makes it a safer potential to finally share experiences and I am so grateful for that opportunity.
A lengthy reply - Deep Blue - but thank you again, and I am finding that Saturday is ok - I felt like I was in an EF for part of the morning, but I feel more 'grounded' now. :hug: to you, Deep Blue - I had an image of you wearing your shirt yesterday and wearing it proudly, and I think that's such a great thing. :)
*******
I do feel a bit better - and actually grateful to be looking forward to an evening indoors.
Hope :)
:bighug:
The biggest, warmest love to you sweetie
Hi Deep Blue - that big hug made me smile today - thankyou so much! :hug:
Hi BeHea1thy - thanks for your validation - I like the word 'Herculean' - makes me feel stronger! :) :hug:
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Journal Entry on 7th October 2018
I am having more contact at night with my 'wounded/fragmented parts' - but I am managing to stay mindful of the fact that I perceive them as younger parts of me, and I am trying to listen to what they communicate to me - and last night I felt the younger frightened part - who physically has pain in her head - and I tried to reassure her that the present time is safer - and she is safe. I think it helped me cope - and I managed to sleep.
Hope :)
I'm glad you were able to sleep better.
Could you tell about what age that wounded fragmented part of you was? The one with her head hurting? Perhaps you could do something for her today? Maybe draw a picture? Play a board game? Give her some warm milk to drink?
Take good care sweetie
Hi Deep Blue - I read your reply to me yesterday - and I appreciated it so much - and it made me realise that helping Little Hope - the one whose head hurts - and is so frightened and terrified - it's what I should do. So last night I held out a cuddly toy for her - a little doll I have - very soft and comforting - and immediately felt a flood of emotion go through her - she reacted to that very strongly. Also, today I told her she could spend time with me - and we did a dot-to-dot - and she enjoyed that - and when we found out what the picture was - a person with trousers - she wanted to colour in the trousers - but Adult Hope didn't do that with her - but I did respond and say that colouring in the trousers was something we could do another time. It was interesting that I considered all the options you mentioned - i.e. drawing a picture, drinking some milk etc - and regarding 'drawing a picture' she felt very frightened about that thought - she didn't want to do that - and similarly with the drinking milk, she worried for sleeping - those were conscious thoughts that went through my mind when I considered those options for Little Hope.
Regarding her age - I don't know - she seems very small to me - maybe even pre-verbal, because she just 'feels terrified' at night - and her head hurts so much - or at least she causes mine to hurt when she is present. I haven't sensed or heard her speak to me - only sensed her emotions, which is why I think she might be pre-verbal.
Anyway Deep Blue - I very much appreciate you saying what you said, suggesting what you did, because it helped me connect with her - and to consider her - and keep her in my mind to connect further - and I'm hopeful that this has been helpful.
I do think she'd like to draw something sometime, even though she's scared - but I worry what she might draw, and whether I'm capable of helping her to contain what she might express there - I guess that's why I'm cautious - and listening to my caution.
:hug: to you Deep Blue.
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Journal Entry on 8th October 2018
I think I've said all I can say today - I think I need an early night tonight - I am feeling a bit drained of energy.
Something just came to mind though - so I can write something now - I had been watching a soap opera kind of programme that has a few different 'stories' going through it - and the characters tend to stay the same - so there are different bits of it that can be focused on - and I was amazed by the fact that my partner asked me about one entire thread of the story - and I had no recollection of any of it - it was like I could only focus on certain other parts of the story, and had completely blanked the other bits - he told me this is not unsual at all - that he has noticed me do this a LOT. He doesn't always comment on it though. But it made me think that I wonder why I focus on particular bits, and NOT on others - is it due to interest in the bits that I like, or an inability to tolerate the bits I blank out? It is like being in a house, and finding a curtain falls to block out a part I maybe don't want to see/consider. But at the same time, sometimes I know what is behind the curtain, and othertimes I don't. I realise that doesn't make very much sense, but I am just writing as I think about it.
Anyway, I will have an early night tonight. Sounds like a good thing.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 9th October 2018
I was wondering "What have I done today?" - but actually when I thought about it, I have done a few things - so that's been better than I thought - because I've organised for a couple of appointments I had been putting off, which is good self-care - and I also re-read the first chapter of the book on Dissociation - when I say 're-read' I mean just the parts I had underlined - and it helped me to try to fix the points in my mind. I've started Chapter 2 - I'm wondering where to write about my experiences of the book - I know that there is a place where people discussed the previous edition of the book - so maybe there. Or should I start a new place to talk about the new edition of the book - I don't know. I'll think about it. I think reading what others have written as a starting point will be good - so maybe I'll add to the existing thread. But I don't know how similar the chapters are between the 2 editions - I was just grateful to get the most up to date edition I could. 2017 I think it is. It was a couple of pounds more expensive, but I thought it would be better.
I'm laughing at myself now, as I am actually somehow bargaining with the fact I paid that bit more, and I'm trying to placate myself for having spent the money on it. This is probably because I was thinking about finances today - and trying to think about budgets etc - and how I spend my money etc etc. So maybe that's why I'm feeling the need to 'justify' the couple of extra pounds spent on a book. I don't know.
I was glad to sleep last night - and have an early night - it helped me - I feel better today. I had been feeling really 'drained' and tired. I still don't feel quite right, but I am feeling a lot better than I was yesterday.
For some reason I am now feeling nauseous - that is bizarre, but I think it's because I actually thought about 'how' I'm feeling, and now I feel nauseous.
My partner thinks that I look into everything in more detail than I need to - he said something like that today - I was trying to explain why I need to do this exploration of myself to help myself to cope and move forward in my life, and that I told him that I had spent so many decades in a frozen or numbed state - minimising and not even seeing the realities of my upbringing and experiences - and that I want to 'feel' I want to 'live' my life - and I told him I feel this is the only way I can do that - and I told him of my hopes for the path towards befriending my parts. Thankfully he is an understanding and empathic kind of person, and he listened to me, and I think he supported me. Although I know that he worries for me, and wants me to be happy. This is what he admitted too.
Anyway, I am lucky to have him in my life - must go now.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 10th October 2018
I think I triggered myself too much yesterday - I ended up feeling like I was in some kind of EF or even that several parts of myself were thrown into EF's - and it felt quite over-whelming. I was writing in different bits of the forum, and had ended up grativating to different threads - depending on what I noticed, and where I felt 'drawn' - I even wrote a letter to my sister (not to send) - which I hadn't been anticipating doing. I think that different parts of me responded to all these things in different ways, and I felt lots of waves of emotion, and then non-emotion - but in rapid succession really. In the end, I felt 'anger' - which I rarely feel - I remember writing that I thought that was a 'good thing' that I'd felt that - but what came after was intense upset, and quite a few actual tears - crying - but after that, I actually 'felt better' - and it was like the EF's had all passed - eventually - and I slept well too - although I was dreaming a lot - although the content isn't clear - I can't really remember what I was dreaming about.
I've woken, and I feel such a sense of relief to feel better - I had worried that I couldn't cope at moments last night - even that I was 'going mad' - to use a phrase that I don't like to use - but part of me did worry about that.
I think I need to pace myself a bit more - I'll try to do that today.
Hope :)
Just sending you support today and hoping you have an easier go of it :hug:
i know anger can be a tough emotion to feel and process in and of itself. since you thought it was a good thing, it probably was. having so many emotions, in and out of an emotional place, can definitely be disconcerting. i'm glad you felt relief and slept well in the end. sending love and a warm, gentle hug to you, sweetie.
Thank you Deep Blue & SanMagic - :hug: :hug: to you both.
Hope :)
Hi BeHea1thy, Thank you so much for your very validating reply - which I appreciate Very much. :hug: to you.
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Journal Entry on 12th October 2018
I am a bit disconcerted about what I read today in my latest book which is about "Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation" so wanted to copy the paragraph that disconcerts/bothers me here. It's from Chapter 5 of the book and is on p.110 and says
"Patients may have read about dissociation or participated in online chat groups or self-help groups and become convinced thye have the disorder. They may have a trauma history and some dissociative symptoms such as depersonalization and PTSD symptoms, but not DID. And they may have symptoms of a personality disorder and are genuinely confused about who they are. For them, the idea of having DID provides an acceptable explanation for their fluctuating sense of identity." Towards the end of the same page, it goes on to say "Most of these patients have suffered serious emotional neglect as children and feel chronically ignored, unseen, and misunderstood. Often they have a strong wish to gain attention and to remain dependent and cared for, and thus often present with needy "child parts"."
My reflection on this is that maybe this is relevant to me - maybe I'm seeking explanations and reading too much into my symptoms, my feelings, my thoughts - and I relate strongly to the concept of 'dissociation' and also the discussions of 'identity' - but maybe it's because I'm 'needy' and have 'needy child parts' - I don't think I have DID - but I do think I'm on a continuum of having some symptoms - I just wanted to note these things here in my Journal, as they have sparked a feeling that I describe as 'being disconcerted' - and I guess I wanted to put that here - to make mention of it.
Need to go now, as I am supposed to be cooking a meal, but wanted to say it.
Hope :)
I feel better since I had time to reflect on that paragraph further - and I think what happened was that 'part of me' leapt on the words and made me feel shameful, as if I was an attention-seeking person, and now I've had time to distance myself from that part's view - which I perceive more as an outer critic (but I wonder if I confuse inner and outer critics) - but anyway, I have been reading further in the book - and I really relate so much to things that the book says about people's experiences of having dissociated parts - so I feel that I am ok to continue to read it, and to gain some benefit from it. Afterall, I am not seeking a 'diagnosis' of anything, I am purely battling with my identity, my self, my parts, and wishing to befriend them, and to integrate so that I can live an authentic and hopefully happy life - whilst allowing myself to grieve for past issues, and allowing myself to feel emotions and feelings and - that's giving me some hope to think about that.
Hope :)
I interpreted that paragraph a bit differently than you I think. By needy I think it means that the littles lacked in love. They were starved of it, so they need some to make up for that now. I also looked at it as the littles asking for love and attention now because they didn't get it back then.
Hopefully I'm making sense 🤞
Hi Deep Blue,
What you said makes sense to me, very much so, and thank you so much for saying it - I related to it very much, as I've been thinking back to how my Littles were treated and I can see that they didn't get much positive attention - hardly any. So they do crave it - and I think since I've been beginning to make contact with those parts of myself, and they've been communicating with me, they have been glad of any positive attention and caring that I can give to them - and this helps me feel better as a whole person. Thank you Deep Blue - I appreciate you sharing your interpretation of things - it makes sense to me. :hug: to you.
Hope :)
:hug: back at you Hope :hug:
Another big hug to you Deep Blue :bighug:
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Journal entry on 14th October 2018
I have been continuing to read the book about Dissociation, and I'm on Chapter 8 of it now, and the section I'm reading is called "Understanding the Role of Hypnosis, Trance, and Trance Logic in Dissociative Parts' - I'm just writing that to remind me where I was up to at this point in time. I have realised that I'm chugging through this book, and that it's been over-whelming sometimes, and especially when they were talking about diagnoses of Dissociation and DID - and I began to worry about myself a bit - but I was glad that I pursued reading further, and could then think that actually it's ok for me to read the book, that certain parts of me are probably quite reluctant to do so, and maybe want to hold me back - and other parts are eager - that there are parts which are pleased that I'm looking at things as a whole, and recognising and communicating - and then parts that want to sabotage it perhaps.
Also, there are so many parts of the book that I relate to - when they speak about people's experiences, I feel like they're writing about my own experiences - I relate to them so much. It's incredibly validating.
One thing I've picked up though, is the importance to go at a pace that feels ok for me. I am going to try to focus on one piece of wisdom that I saw in p.169 of the book which is:
"The patient may be unable to experience the present moment and becomes lost in the past. Helping the patient learn to be in the present and have positive emotions and experiences must precede a focus on grief and loss." - I think I need to focus on the present moment more - because I am numb to feeling many things - and I dissociate quite a lot - I've been realising this more and more - so I'm going to focus more on the 'present moment' - as a focus for this week and going ahead.
During the night, I've been experiencing stranger experiences - in terms of feeling as if the younger parts of me are 'there' and there are other parts that I've not recognised before - but which feel some sense of 'dread' - not sure what that is, but wanted to just mention it - as I've experienced it.
I've been doing more 'self-care' kind of things lately - I've made some appointments for myself - things I'd been putting off - so now I need to attend those appointments, and I've started doing that already - and so far it's been ok. I've got something I've booked to do mid week which is causing me anxiety - as I'll be doing it alone and it will be involving going into a group of people - I don't know who will be there - it feels quite scary to many parts of me. But, I am feeling like I will do it - I hope so. I could cancel at the last minute, but I very much hope I'll go.
Hope :)
Massive headache and just waking up but wanted you to know, I'm cheering you on from the sidelines. :cheer:
sounds very positive, hope, on so many levels. i think you're doing so much good for yourself - it's great.
i love the idea that being in the present, learning to stay positive with it, may need to supersede the idea of grief and loss at times. that makes a lot of sense to me.
keep going, sweetie. you sound stronger and more grounded. love and hugs.
Love and support to you always Hope. :hug:
Hi Three Roses - I hope your massive headache has gone, and thank you so much for saying what you said, as that means a lot - thankyou :hug:
Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much for validating me, and for saying I sound stronger and more grounded - I do feel stronger in the past few days. I really hope I can hold onto that feeling, as I prefer it! Love and hugs to you too :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - your words touch my soul - you are a lovely person - thank you :hug:
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Journal Entry on 15th October 2018
I am sitting here - and there are lots of things I think I could say, but somehow I find I can't say - it's almost like I don't know 'where to start' - I think it's because I was talking positively about the book on Dissociation, and had admitted how much I've struggled - and then people answered and talked in supportive ways, and you know - that touches my heart - because I haven't really felt as if people in the past have cared or wanted to be there - and it's a humbling thing when people show understanding. True understanding.
I can't say more now, as I'm stumbling over my words.
Hope :)
Whilst I think of it, I want to say that I am considering trying to do some drawing or maybe even some painting - because I feel like I could possibly express myself that way - and it would be helpful - I've been scared to do so, because I had read in Mary Bratton's book about how inner children would draw elements of their experiences - and that frightened me and many parts of me. But I think what I'll do is maybe start by just expressing myself with some drawing - just enjoying that process, and maybe see how it feels. Rather than think of drawing any emotional content - or anything that feels scary.
Trigger warning - mentioning CSA
For some reason, I think of when I was at a play-group - as a very young child, and the first drawing I did was of a big dark hairy spider - and I almost tried to frighten the 'teacher/play-group minder' with that drawing. I told a friend of mine about that as an adult, and she commented that sometimes such drawings of spiders can represent CSA - I don't think she meant to make a direct link to me, but I was shocked at the time, and I minimised the situation - denying that anything like that had happened to me - but of course, I think it had.
That same friend had also commented on how many of my letters to her, during times when we were geographically far away, had been very much like Enid Blyton type scenarios - and that makes me think of how Enid Blyton used to talk of enjoying Marmalade and Afternoon teas, and Adventures, and yet her life had been one of emotional pain - as I saw her biography once, and realised how much pain she had behind the scenes, and yet her stories were enjoyed by so many of us young children - wanting to enjoy the fairytales and Adventures and escape from our own inner turmoils and experiences. I say this as an adult now, but I think as a child, I was literally bound up in the world of reading, and trying to escape - rather than being truly aware of anything. So much so, that I shut down, and my eyes closed to things. Fragmented. That's a good way to describe it.
There's a big part of me that feels pathetic to write this - but I'm just going to leave it as it is. I actually feel very sad - like I want to cry - tears are brimming from my eyes, and they feel sore. But my partner is in the same room, and I don't want him to see me upset - so I'll hold them in.
I am glad to have written this - because somehow it helps to share these things here.
Hope :)
I'm glad you are considering drawing. Maybe you can reassure your littles that if the drawing gets scary you can stop?
My son is playing soccer. Sometimes he doesn't want to go. I tell him that we need to support his team and that if he feels shy or scared he can sit in my lap and cheer his team till he feels more brave and wants to play. Sending you some love :hug:
i've heard that drawing/writing with your non-dominant hand can access child parts of you. that may be something to keep in mind for the future. i've been able to get out a lot of gunk thru drawing, scribbling, coloring, etc. let yourself just be at your own pace, tho, ok? i think you'll have less of a chance at being overwhelmed that way.
one thing i noticed about myself when i got a coloring book and crayons for an inner child exercise was how much rebellion came out for me, and how non-relaxing it was to do it. i loved coloring books as a kid, but a couple of years ago i got one for myself, and i didn't like it at all in any soothing sense.
i almost always had the urge to scribble over the entire picture, or, if i did do some more common coloring, i'd choose colors that weren't conventional for what was represented. like, i'd make a carrot blue, or a bunny green, stuff like that. i wonder how much of that was a throwback to being completely straitlaced as a child. it was interesting, to say the least.
i mentioned this because i think all kinds of things can come out when we get creative, exercise that part of our brain that doesn't always come into play during our lives. i hope you share with us how it goes. sending love and hugs, sweetie.
Hi BeHea1thy, Deep Blue & San Magic - thank you all for what you said here - you are all so encouraging and I appreciate that so much. Thank you - each and every one of you - it means a lot. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 16th October 2018
Today has been a bit 'full on' in many ways - and also quite emotional and 'up' and 'down' - but I feel that the day has been a good one - because I was able to get through a really anxiety provoking situation first thing - which had caused me to cry and get very emotional and upset - and which I realise was actually an EF involving my younger parts being very upset and anxious about some situations I am facing - which includes some of the appointments I've made for myself - I was really getting overly upset and catastrophising about one particular appointment - and I did end up talking to my partner about it, and he was incredibly helpful to me - he reminded me that I am in control in any interaction - and that I can do what I would like to do - rather than feel at the beck and call of someone else - and this has helped to have talked about it in this way, and I've managed to work out a plan of action as to how I can hopefully cope with the appointment and get through it somehow.
The group situation I'm due to face later in the week is something I've nearly considered cancelling, but I am going to try to face it - attend it, and see how it goes. But I feel more anxious as that time approaches.
Regarding my wish to do some drawing and maybe some painting, I've found some pencils and some paper - so I am 'ready'. Drawing - that's the plan for sometime soon. I feel very encouraged by what people have said - and also by the fact that being creative will hopefully be ok.
Last night in my sleep I dreamed that there was an extremely young child (who looked like I used to look in a photo when I was about 2 or 3 years of age), and it was like she was leaning very close to my face, and staring at me with very intense eyes and she was just looking intently at my face - I felt like I could see her - I saw her hair and her eyes and her face - and I felt like she was just looking at me - but she had leaned so close to my face, so she was nearly touching - almost forehead to forehead - she looked calm - she looked curious - as if she was looking at me and wondering about me. So I felt ok - but I also felt fascinated to see her. I wonder if she represents a physical manifestation of my inner child? I don't know. But she never said anything - purely looked and stared intently - but in a calm and steady way. I felt she was 'curious' and I felt curious in response. Calm and curious.
TW - mentioning emotions and themes accompanying those feelings that are quite physical in nature in this paragraph...
How do I feel at this moment? I feel calmer, I feel like if I can get through these appointments - I will have achieved a lot - because they aren't easy for me. I might talk more about them in the forum, but I'll see. I'm aware that there's different parts of me that want to ask quite a few things currently - and yet I feel like I don't quite know how important each question is - maybe I should just go ahead and ask - but there's also parts of me that are reluctant to share - and infact are annoyed at me for having shared - but you know - I feel an over-riding wish to share here, as being silent and minimising things for so many years - it's not done me any good - I've been in denial, and now I feel I'm actually waking up - beginning to feel things - and that life is for living, and each and every part of me has a right to experience things and live a life - hopefully without feeling constant nagging guilt from FOO brain-washing - which has been 'cult-like' in its intensity and toxicity. Truly dysfunctional - and has squashed my joie de vivre for life. If I do a life review of my life - I have experienced many things, and done many things, but I have often felt guilty about my life - and bound by an umbilical cord that has been like a toxic leash around my neck. (end of TW)...
Whilst I think of it, some things that came to mind for me today - were memories from my earlier childhood where I think I connected with some of the 'unseen' or 'shadow side' of my parts - i.e. I realised that some memories were such that I had done some things in my early childhood that weren't good things - that would have got me into a lot of trouble if I had been caught doing those things, and somehow I'd minimised the fact that I'd done those things - but when I tried to distance myself and think about what I might say if I'd known that a child I knew had done those things, I would have had compassion for that child, in that I would have understood that they felt the need to do those things out of desperation of some kind - I don't want to say what those things were, as I feel ashamed about it, but I think it's positive that snippets of those memories are trickling through my mind, and beginning to make sense as a form of narrative rather than as a fragmented snap-shot that doesn't make so much sense.
I guess that means that I'm re-processing some memories - and making some sense of them - and that feels like a good process, even if it's throwing up things that are abhorent or shaming to parts of me that have wanted to shut the door or close the hall-way on those memories.
I really didn't expect to write so much here, I am glad I came here to write today.
What I feel is that I achieved quite a lot today - in many ways, even though it felt such a tough day at first, and I wasn't sure how I was going to negotiate my way through it - I feel better to come through and review it at the end of the day. Relieved.
Hope :)
congrats to you, hope, for following thru on your wanting to write here and share. i would guess that some of your littles are scared of what might happen if you break the silence, so they get upset, even angry. i think that what you are doing as an adult, in a safe place like this forum, is showing them that they are not in the same toxic environment as before, that you are taking care and releasing the poison in a place where they will be safe.
we can only show our younger parts this safety by actually doing what you just did. sending angel wings to embrace them all with warmth, care, and love.
Dear SanMagic, I appreciate your lovely words, and I relate to what you said about my Littles - and that some of them have been upset and even angry - that I've broken my silence and begun to speak about things that happened in my past - and it makes a lot of sense that they would be worried and anxious and angry about that - as I do realise they've taken different roles throughout my life - maybe as Protectors (as Deep Blue mentioned about one of them) and as other roles. I recognise them as parts of me - but I can also see how they are interacting with each other - and how there are conflicts between them in different situations - so whilst things happen in my daily life - moment to moment - I'm trying to process things from the different perspectives - to see why or how things are happening. Sometimes I cope with that, and can separate things out, and sometimes I can't, and feel over-whelmed, or end up 'blending' with my Littles. I can see that now. Thank you, SanMagic - you are such a lovely and warm and caring woman - and I hope that the Angel Wings we rest on, will embrace us all.
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Journal Entry on 17th October 2018
This week feels like a hike up a very big hill - with unexpected ravines and sometimes I feel out of my depth, but - at the same time, I think I'm getting 'new perspectives' and fresh views as I traverse this. I also feel stronger in myself - at least part of the time - and a bit worried about that - at the same time. Again, conflicting emotions about certain emotions and feelings.
I keep wanting to 'open up' more - and write more things, but when I consider it - I feel 'resistance' - so I need to think about how to negotiate the wish to open up more - in this safe and helpful place, whilst placating the worried/anxious parts.
Right now, I am concerned about the group meeting I am due to attend - I am considering cancelling it. This is a strong desire - to cancel it. But at the same time I want to do it - well - I think there are good reasons to do it, but honestly - I probably don't really want to do it. It's due to happen tomorrow evening - I have tonight and the daytime to consider what I'll do - whether to go, or not to go. My partner mentioned something else that he was considering going to - happening on the same time as the thing I am dreading going to - but I know he's unlikely to go if I'm not with him. But he doesn't want to go to the thing I am considering going to. I am laughing now - as this seems a funny thing now. Almost comical. Which part of me thinks that's funny and comical - I don't know.
When I had a job, and 'had' to do things - I couldn't get out of them so much - and I felt obligated to do things, but now that I am no longer working, it's a whole different thing - I have more choice about how I spend my time - but with that, comes difficulty committing to things and facing things.
I'll see how I feel tomorrow - and take it from there.
Hope :)
Hope,
Sending you love and support no matter what you decide. Your ability to notice and acknowledge your littles is amazing. It really reflects your kind nature and your resilience as they each present themselves to you.
You are important to me and I just want you to know that :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - Thank you so much for your wishing of love and support - regardless of what I decide - that means a lot. You are also important to me - :hug: Thank you also for what you said about my Littles - I do try to notice and acknowledge them - and whilst it's difficult sometimes, I am actually grateful to be able to finally acknowledge their presence and realise them for their function in my life. I think without them, I would have struggled more than I have. I just didn't/wasn't able to acknowledge them before, and felt as if it was somehow my personality that was quite 'strange' - but in view of a history of trauma and childhood stuff, I realise it's not unusual - and meeting everyone here - and beginning to talk about things - after many decades of keeping it within myself - it's something I wish that I'd faced and talked about many years back. But when I think of opportunities to do that - there weren't really any at the time - for various reasons. Anyway, I think you are a special person, Deep Blue, and I thank you for your support. :)
Hi BeHea1thy - You are also special to me - and I feel I'm going to end up saying that to many people here - but it's true - I feel it, and it's meaningful to feel it. Thank you for sharing your experiences of your "list" of transgressions - and I am so glad you were able to speak those out loud to someone in the way you did to your therapist - and that it helped you. I have spoken of some of mine to my partner - and he hasn't judged me harshly - infact he spoke with compassion about it - and said it wasn't bad at all - but I guess I still carry a sense of shame about it - but I think I'm going to try to 'write about it' - and re-process it that way. At least as a start. I think I prefer your choice of word, in terms of talking about 'compassion' rather than 'forgiveness' because I feel that people often do things for reasons, and it's not necessarily for bad reasons - and therefore having compassion is possibly more important than a sense of forgiveness - because essentially is there actually anything 'to' forgive - I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling a bit now - and ironically was just about to say 'please forgive me for rambling' - which has made me laugh out loud at the irony of just wondering if 'forgive' is an appropriate word for a transgression - and I end up apologising for rambling.
BeHea1thy - what I'm trying to say is that I think it's really good that you were able to put that burden down, and let it go. I hope to do the same with my stuff too - to put it down somewhere - after having a good look at it, and then trying to understand it, and just leave some of it behind completely. That would be my hope about it.
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Journal entry on 18th October 2018
I made a decision about the group event I had signed up for - and that was that I cancelled it. I thought about it carefully - and luckily my anxiety about it had risen and then fallen - and of course once I had cancelled it - it had completely gone - but the good thing is that I cancelled it because I 'wanted to' - because I decided that the whole situation was going to cause me more anxiety than I could actually cope with at the moment - and I need to conserve my energy to face other things that are coming up - as I have made a series of appointments that I need to try to keep - and I can see that having a group situation - that was just too much for me at the moment.
I had told one of my friends about it - and she had thought that I was worried about going out at night - and I wasn't honest with her about the real reasons - I told her I'd cancelled it today and I said that it was down to not wanting to go out in the dark. I feel a bit of a coward to have said that - as really that's not the reason at all - so I've lied to her - but I think it's not a bad lie to have told. I didn't want to explain more than that.
I do feel relief though - about not having to go.
Hope :)
Well done sweetie!
That's some good self care. The fact that your anxiety stopped when you made the decision to cancel seems to me to indicate it was a good decision.
I wouldn't worry about the white lie you told your friend. I think we all have chapters of our book that we don't need to read aloud. You get to choose what you share with others. You shouldn't feel guilty about it.
:hug: I'm proud of you
Hi Deep Blue & BeHea1thy,
Your words brought tears of joy to my eyes, thank you. I appreciate your replies, and thank you for validating my decision to 'choose' - and for what you both said. It means a lot. :hug: :hug:
Hope :)
:hug:
Thank you so much Jdog, and :hug: to you. :)
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Journal Entry on 21st October 2018
I've found this weekend to be a challenging one in many ways - but also one that has had some positive moments, and I'm grateful for those. I've tried to have a mix of things in the weekend - and I started to de-clutter my wardrobe/closet space - and thought of BeHea1thy and the "Simplicity" book (which gave tips on doing this), and also I thought of Blueberry - who has also helped me to focus on such things. Actually so many of you pop into my mind - regularly, and it feels like I have an 'inner family' - it gives me strength. I was also thinking of Deep Blue and her walk - and that inspired me to go out and walk myself - and I enjoyed it. Lovely to enjoy the air and it felt freeing.
Regarding my de-cluttering - it was tough - there are items in that wardrobe that I've tried to get rid of before, but which seem to stick with me like glue - it's not like I want to wear them again, it's just that they have been gifts or have some meaning - maybe that's how people who hoard things end up having such a hard time to get rid of anything. But, I have now got a bag full of some clothes that I can take to charity shops - and I also have a friend who is a similar size to me, and I want to ensure she gets to see the clothes before I pass them on, incase she wants some.
There was a skirt that my M had given me - and part of me actually thought that I'd like to 'cut it/tear it up' - honestly - that was the thought - but another part said 'No, you can't do that, it's your M's skirt - she gave it to you'. I told my partner about it, and he said 'You should cut it up' 'Why don't you' - I admit I can't. This represents a couple of sides of me - who feel very differently about things - one is scared to do the action that the other clearly wants me to do. Anyway I have kept it - I will consider another time what to do with it.
Then there was another item - a dress - which I had bought when I was earning quite a good amount of money, and I'd paid more for that dress than I'd ever paid before in my life - and a couple of my friends (at the time) had encouraged me to buy it by telling me I looked pretty in it - that it suited me etc. That I was 'worth it' and should buy it - because I could afford it at the time, and why not. I did buy it. When I showed it to my FOO (parents) they were shocked at the cost, they also told me how it didn't suit me, how awful I looked in it - they made me feel ugly - I never felt comfortable to wear it - maybe I wore it once - but it's been in my wardrobe for 2 decades - there was a stain on it - I realised - looking close - but I put it on - and I thought to myself - this dress is mine, I bought it, and I can wear it - even if it's only in my bedroom occasionally - so I'll keep it - and that felt good.
I was reading the Dissociation Treatment book - I found that if I write things in my 'workbook' (where I keep notes on my process and my issues), then I can do more work on processing things - and it's more successful that way. I have been feeling over-whelmed by it - and last night in my sleep - I was dozing before sleep and thinking about connecting with my inner fragmented parts - and my partner told me that later in the night I was shouting 'Nooooo' 'Noooooo' - but I don't have any memory of shouting that. I wonder what I was saying 'No' to. It was in an emphatic way - he said. But I think that's more positive than previous screaming or shouting out in fear and trepidation, which has happened in the past, and terror - there wasn't that same sound in the shouting - he said I sounded emphatic in what I said. I hope that means there's a stronger part of me that is saying 'No' to whatever it is that was bothering that part.
Glad to have written this. Somehow, as I write this, I feel more 'adult' in my whole self. I don't often feel that way.
Hope :)
Hope, here's a shout out to the adult you! Great job on tackling the closet and the many associations you have with what is inside of it.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for de-cluttering and for realising what's going on emotionally while you're doing it. I know all about hanging onto things because somebody gave them to me, rather than because I actually want to keep them. I do have odd spells where I can suddenly let go of something I've been hanging onto. :applause: :applause: on feeling stronger in your adult self! :hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi Jdog - thank you so much. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 22nd October 2018
Last night I was experiencing something strange for part of the night - it was like I could see a large screen, which I had created - in my imagination, and on that screen my 'inners of the night' (as I've suddenly started calling them) were communicating with me - and showed me two scenes - one was just 'fog' (which is why I have just been a little taken aback to hear Blueberry talk of having a foggy head last night - as I literally felt 'foggy' myself in terms of seeing that picture, which I felt sure showed fog. Also there was a scene showing a thicket of undergrowth, like in a tangled hedge kind of thing. I realise that sounds quite strange, but that was what I saw. I remember thinking to myself 'Thank you 'little inners' for communicating something to me' - because I really want to communicate and befriend them - hence the title of this Journal really - as a reminder to myself to do this.
My partner told me that I had been 'moaning' 'Nooooo' 'Nooooo' again - and I phrased this to him that I think it's better than my previous tendency to scream in terror or lash out physically or end up falling out of bed and hurting myself etc etc - that has happened in the past - the difference now - more recently - that I am no longer doing those things, but I am saying 'Nooooo' and that is communicating something - but my voice isn't sounding scared or terrified like it could have done with a loud scream. He agreed with me - it is much better. But I also think he worries that I am not 'getting better' - i.e. that maybe he thinks I'm never going to - and that he thinks my reading and talking about things here in this forum mean I'm 'stirring' things up - and he might not like that. I have talked to him about that too - and he did admit that he does think that I ruminate too much about the past etc - but I tried to explain to him that I am actually ruminating less, and that I'm now actually working on things and beginning to process things in a more meaningful way.
I guess I'm trying to help him to understand where I am with things - and where I'd like to be - I am feeling stronger, and I am feeling like I'm doing more 'things in real life' again - like making appointments for myself and self-care, and beginning to finally achieve something in terms of de-cluttering - although I have to say I only managed a 'section' of my wardrobe/closet - it has a whole lower layer I've not touched, and then there are more clothes and things 'outside' the wardrobe - those are more 'messy' actually. I felt a bit bad today, because I'd put it on my list to tackle at some point today, but instead I ended up in bed asleep for part of the afternoon - and whilst I was dozing there, I felt some uncomfortable feelings of abandonment really - and I made myself stay with them, and not distract myself, but just 'feel them, and they did go away after about half an hour or so. So that was good that I felt better after.
I feel as if I'm trying to stablilize myself at the moment - because I know the next few days are challenging for me, as I have a few appointments - I need to get through them. I'm worried about which part of me will come with me to those appointments, because I've realised that if a younger and scared part of me comes, then I may end up in tears or out of control, and I am frightened of that. I desperately want to keep myself together to get through those appointments. I need to attend them. I can't cancel them. Or at least I am not going to let myself cancel them.
Part of me has made me feel guilty about writing certain things in this forum - almost as if it doesn't approve of my talking about things and sharing things. Also tending to minimize my experiences, and say 'did that really happen?' - but I really do think that things happened in my childhood that weren't right, and shouldn't have happened. I hate that my sense of reality will waver sometimes, so that I almost doubt my experiences - e.g. have I got a sister? Did she actually exist? There were times I really didn't know - did I imagine her - I know when I was little that I used to count things (a bit of OCD but in a very small way) and I'd want to ensure that I counted things in 3's, because after she left our family - and I didn't know why, I actually feared that either myself, or my parents might die if I didn't count to 3 - representing all 3 of us. Because at one time there had been 4, and then there were 3. I didn't want there to be 2 - I wanted us all to survive - I really didn't know what had happened to my sister. Noone told me.
Yes, I know she's alive - I wrote to her for over a year - after being apart for several decades - I've not seen her since I was 6 years old - I don't think I can cope with contact with her, although part of me would like that, and I think part of her would like it too - but we did try, and it was really hard. Although we wrote daily for almost the whole year, till we fell out - and we tried again, and the same thing happened again. Like a repeating pattern. The rupture was around this time of year, as she is very busy at this time of year - and involved in some Cult-like stuff. That reminds me, that I watched a TV programme about a Cult, and saw how they had been very depersonalised - and almost trance-like in their behaviour, and I related to it very much. I think that kind of life drew my sister to it - she couldn't help herself, because her own family had effectively cast her out - I feel badly for that, but I was only 6 years old when she went. I didn't want her to go. I didn't understand what was going on, and where she went.
I didn't expect to write all of this, but that's ok - I feel ok for writing it. Thankfully I don't have any parts of me criticising me yet - I just feel quite numb as I write it. I expect I will 'feel' when I re-read it, but for now I will just leave it here and go and do a 'dot-to-dot' because I find that relaxing.
Hope :)
Hi Blueberry & Sceal - Thank you both so much - I just saw your replies after I had posted what I wrote, and I appreciate what you both have said. Sending hugs to you both :hug: :hug:
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
I thought of you during our sucide prevention walk as well. I was happy to see others wearing our HOPE shirt proudly.
Decluttering sounds great. I like the symbolism about going through your closet. Could you sense which part of you was against tearing up the garment from your M? Maybe if you can figure that out, you will be able to say bye to it in a way that she sees fit. Do you think writing all that helped you mentally declutter to? I've noticed it often helps me when I write.
Much love :hug:
hey, hope,
i used to have the same conversation with my hub about thinking/talking too much about the past. he was all for 'letting the past be in the past - what good does it do you to keep bringing it up?', and really couldn't understand that it was bringing it up that was actually what was helping me let it eventually go. i don't think people who haven't faced this kind of trauma are able to understand. which is why we talk about it here - here, we do understand.
i used to tell him that the more i could talk about it, that at some point i will be able to talk it to death, so to speak, and it will be a non-entity, something that will no longer bother me. he was kind enough to listen most of the time, but he'd still stick in a sentence or two about letting it go. that would be upsetting to me.
it also sounds to me like things are changing for the better for you with your nighttime forays into your subconscious. i've experienced many of the things you spoke of, including throwing myself out of bed while i was asleep and landing on the cement floor about 3 ft. away. my voice tone also changed, as did my tendency to talk in my sleep. i want to believe it's part of recovery from all this that's showing itself.
as far as some of your parts hesitating at your sharing stuff here, i've felt that as well at times. the old 'this is confidential' or some type of secret to be kept between me and someone else, but it was a bad secret. letting that stuff out into the light takes a lot of guts cuz we're going against so much that we've been taught in order to keep someone else's bad behavior hidden. i give you a lot of credit, sweetie, for speaking your truth.
sending love and a warm, encouraging hug to you
Dear Deep Blue & SanMagic,
I read what you both wrote - and it helped me a lot - thank you both. :hug: :hug: I am hoping to get some time to come here and write more, but right now - I am getting ready to attend an appointment - I've had appointments most days this week - which is stressful for me - but the week is passing, and I'm getting through them! Hope to be able to reflect on the week - and write more - as I want to have opportunity to do that, in my Journal here.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 26th October 2018
Finally I have a bit of time to write something, but I have to admit I'm wondering what I will end up writing, because themes I've noticed over the past few days are such that I have felt often over-whelmed, and I've tried to jot down reminders to myself of things I want to write about here - and then it's as if the issues are less prominent, or I've lost them somehow.
Anyway, I'll just write - and see what I do say - I'd like to try to summarise some things that have happened and have been happening - so I'll start with that.
I have been making appointments, many for self-care, and I've noticed how different parts of me react to those appointments - but thankfully the ones I've managed to make and attend, have gone ok. It's like there's younger parts of me that become scared and then I fear that I won't be able to hold it together for the appointment, but when it comes to it - I cope fine - at least appear as if I do on the outside. So my 'coping mask' remains intact - and gets me through these things.
What has been worrying me more than anything is the fact I've finally made the decision to change my GP - and I'm in the process of that now. The new GP is a female and I've never met her - but already I think things might be better - just from how the surgery have communicated with me so far - they seem quite respectful of boundaries. I have made an appointment to see someone next week - not the GP but a nurse - and I am already apprehensive, as I know she will want to talk about my medical history.
Part of me wants to maintain the status quo and 'be ok' - and 'get through' the appointment - but part of me wants them to take me seriously and look at my health issues - and the things that concern me.
I realise that part of the problem lies with the fact that I feel intense shame about so many things, and I've only just begun to realise this - probably helped along by reading the book about Treating Dissociation - I had felt 'guilt' and 'upset' and other emotions, but what I realise is that underneath a lot of it is 'shame'. I am going to explore this - and try to understand it - but I can see it at different stages in my life.
De-cluttering my wardrobe has been a process where I've broken it down - and I was doing some more today - and was so surprised to see the different styles of clothes that I've had over the years - I had some clothes in that wardrobe that were from when I was in my 20's - that's literally 3 decades of clothes! I have put quite a few into charity bags, and I think that some Milennials might like my Retro clothes. But I saw that I had skirts and dresses there that I rarely wore - my preference is trousers and jeans - and I know this is much to do with CSA and wanting to be 'safe' in my clothes somehow. I also had tendencies at some points in my life to wear black and dark clothes - but then there are also some periods of time when I was into colourful clothes and patterns. This shows me the contrasts in my moods, in different parts of me choosing different clothing colours and styles. No wonder the attachments to some of the clothes are emotive - and of course then there's the clothes that have been given as 'gifts' and what they mean too.
I thought about what Deep Blue said to me about the skirt that my M had given me - and I talked again to my partner about this skirt. He suggested that I could write lots of words on it, and then ritually burn it! He seems keen for me to get rid of it. However, I have held onto it - I don't feel I can get rid of it - not at the present time. I need to comprehend my parts and my feelings more.
What I do need to do is write more about the different parts of me, and I am planning to do that over the weekend, if I can - here in the forum, as I want to share them - as it seems to help me whenever I do talk about these things here - it's like I need to know they're no longer hidden, even though to many intents and purposes they are still hidden. I realise that doesn't make much sense... I know what I mean though. So that's good.
I feel like I've been making some progress - and I'd like to list the ways I feel that:
I feel like I'm becoming aware of various resistances that I have - e.g. scared of inner experiences and what I might discover. Feeling an almost phobic fear of loss and therefore scared of many things as a result of that. Beginning to recognise how certain frozen parts of me hold me back from experiences in the here and now that most people would cope with - but which fill me with concern/dread.
I've also been finding that certain snippets of memory have been placed in the wrong place by me, i.e. I am beginning to link years when events happened - and the estimated time that I think something happened, and realise I've got them in the complete wrong order. My memories are fragmented, and out of time in many ways, but I'm beginning to map them out - and maybe a more understandable narrative is forming. This feels positive to me - and makes sense.
Right at this moment, as I write this today - I feel a greater sense of hope about things - I really do.
Something shocked me last week though - it was relating to a written diary I keep where I write something down and keep a record of something - and yet when I looked at it this week, it was such a shock to see how I'd got it wrong for the past 4 weeks - and I felt that I just don't make mistakes like that - it was as if someone else entirely had done that - also I had been making mistakes with re-cycling and putting things in the wrong places - which I wouldn't normally do. This was really disconcerting, but made me wonder if perhaps being able to 'do more' - has awoken a different part of me that is enabling me to 'do more' and that the part of me that was struggling and getting things wrong - has taken a back step.
Anyway, this feels a bit jumbled now - perhaps I'll stop writing now - I've written more than I anticipated, but I am glad to have written here.
Hope :)
Hi, Hope-
I read your post and appreciate how analytical you are in combing through your own thoughts and feelings and then giving yourself space to step back and observe. That is a rare quality.
I do not have your same struggles, however I also have deep shame which underlies many of my responses to life's challenges. I know how painful that is, and how freeing it can be to uncover the darkness that lies within shame and to allow more light and air to circulate. You are doing what needs to be done in this department.
Kudos, and hugs to you :hug:
Hi Jdog - Thank you so much for your reply - and for also talking of your own acknowledgement of underlying shame - I think it's a big thing to realise such a thing, even though it is a heavy thing to realise at the same time. :hug: to you, if that's ok. I really like your mention of light and air to circulate - it sounds like something that will happen - allowing the light to shine on the darkness of the underlying shame. I like that. I do feel sure that being able to look at things helps them to be less frightening, and it makes sense.
Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you so much for your reply - also incredibly validating to me - I really appreciate it. I like the description of 'closet excavations' too - as that is pretty much how it felt - like I was on some kind of Adventure, but at the same time not sure what I was going to unearth in there - there are literally decades of clothes - age-wise - I was surprised by what I found there.
You also mentioned how divesting from the loaded item doesn't necessarily stop/end or close whatever issue it represents - this is SO true.
I am glad that my comments about re-ordering memory were helpful to you - and I must say that your reflections back to me on that - they were helpful to me too - thankyou. I like the 'wait and see approach' - because I have been reading about how going too fast or before I'm ready could de-stabilise me - and so I'm eager not to rush things - even though I'm finding it already very over-whelming. I'll write about that in a moment, while it's fresh in my mind. :hug: to you, BeHea1thy.
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Journal entry on 27th October 2018
I have felt over-whelmed quite a few times today - and I know that last night I ended up in a 'really dark place' in terms of how terrifying and dark and scary the place I felt I was in my dreams - it was like I connected with an incredibly sad and frozen part of myself, a very dark part of me - BUT I felt like I 'stayed with' the feeling, and I observed it - and tried to connect with it, which is what I've been reading about in the book about Treating Dissociation - and I actually felt myself saying or thinking something like "I understand how hard it was for you - how much you were up against, and I can see why you feel like 'this' - so terrified and alone and hurt" - I remember thinking that - even though I was scared and frozen in that dark place. This is so different from past experiences, where I've literally felt 'blended' with the experience and shouted out in panic.
However, my partner told me that he had realised I was 'very frightened and terrified' and so he had 'seen that' in me during the night, and he had feared for me, and expressed concern. I was able to talk to him in the light of day and explain that yes, I had felt like that, and I do feel like that sometimes, but that I am making some progress in terms of how I'm viewing it - and I tried to help him to understand what I'm reading about and how I hope it will help me. He once again expressed concern for me that maybe I'm not doing myself any good, but I re-explained why I feel I need to do this - and I said that I fear that if a major life event or issue happens, and I've not processed things to move on the frozen/traumatised parts of myself, then I am fearful of how I'll cope and what will happen. I explained that when I was younger, I had more energy and psychological strength - but as I am growing older - I fear that I won't have that same resilience, and I desperately want to strengthen myself by doing this processing and attempts to understand and find a way through all of this.
The other thing I noticed today was how angry I feel - and how much an angry part of me is surfacing and expressing itself, and then I was amazed that the very next chapter of the book I'm reading is about dealing with Hostile and Angry parts - I feel like it's meant to be - but then it's probably because I'm reading of these things and relating to them, that those parts are being evoked.
I have been planning to write 'about' the parts - but there's something really holding me back - and I wanted to write about what I think that is - and basically I think it's the fact that I'm worried about upsetting any of my wounded/fragmented parts - not doing them justice - I can't work out yet how they interact - and which parts join together in which situations - and although I'm beginning to get some ideas about that in my head, I really fear how they'll feel if I write about them.
I guess that's the phobic worry/defense of 'fear of inner experience' - but I don't know if that's completely it or not.
I do get quite a few interjections from my younger parts - who seem to want me to talk about certain memories they have - but even for those memories, I am reluctant to write about them just yet - because there is something holding me back. Once I work out more what is going on, then I hope to unleash this.
Hope :)
I've been thinking of you today Hope,
My in-laws just left for Sweden yesterday. My sister in law married a swede and they are moving to a new house. My in-laws went to help them with the move.
I just wanted to send you some love :hug:
Hi Hope,
I haven't caught up in your journal, but I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you often. I think the work you are doing is impressive, reading all of the books and doing alot of introspection and trying to strengthen yourself, it is HARD work. Perhaps your partner is worried you'll overdo it? Scheduled breaks is also important, you're still working and processing during breaks even if you arent actively working. Perhaps you're already taking breaks! I just want to cheer alongside the work you're doing. :hug:
Dear Deep Blue - I appreciate your sending some love, and I reciprocate that back to you - you are often in my thoughts too - and it sounds like it's been a busy time with your in-laws going to help your sister-in-law move house. I don't know how often you see your in-laws, but I hope that you are doing ok with the space whilst they are away. :hug: to you.
Dear Sceal - I also think of you often too - and I very much appreciate you popping by to say what you said - and thank you so much. You made me think about taking a break - I have been trying to get a balance, but I do think I push myself too hard to focus on so much challenging stuff - and really - there's no race to do it - I am going to be kind to myself today and try to pace things better. I really am thankful that you said about taking breaks. You're very right in what you say. :hug: to you, Sceal :)
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Journal Entry for 29th October 2018
It is nearly November. The clock's have changed here in the UK and so it is darker in the mornings and also in the evenings. I'm going to try to ahieve a balance today with regard to how I spend the day. Time to rest, but also time to focus on things too - taking appropriate breaks - Sceal has reminded me of the importance of breaks, and I agree whole-heartedly.
So here's to a day of achieving balance - I'll see how I get on.
Hope :)
Sweet Hope,
That sounds lovely. I am always searching for more balance myself. Appropriate breaks with hard work sounds like good self care. :hug: :hug: for your hard work honey
Hope67-
May you find the light in those darkened morning and evening hours. Our time change in the US happens next weekend. May you find peace as you go about your day. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue & Jdog - thank you both so much :hug: :hug:
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Journal entry on 31st October 2018
I wanted to come here yesterday to write about what had happened over the past couple of days, but I was recovering from it still - and I realise still in a pretty big EF - but thankfully today I feel better. So I'll just write about it - to remind myself of what happened and how I coped.
I have a lot of anxiety around my GP - and how much I share in that situation - and so last year when my GP that I had come to trust and who knew me relatively well - as much as I could enable her to - was retiring - then it was very hard for me - brought up a lot of anxiety - and I tried to re-connect with another GP - whom I had seen a few years back - but found I couldn't - she couldn't remember me in sufficient detail to enable her to help me - and that's ok - because GP's don't see people for very long - just a few minutes at a time.
I saw a Nurse yesterday for an appointment, and I was very anxious - although I feel sure that on the 'outside' I appeared completely calm - that is how I approach things - a mask of calmness but inside clearly I wasn't at all - and my blood pressure when she took it was sky high - when normally it is low. I admitted to her that I was anxious, and then my little inners broke down, and I was crying infront of her - and I think I really surprised her, but she was very nice to me.
I was able to share with her that I was NC with my FOO and that I couldn't be sure of my medical history - because of how they've covered things up, and never been straight with me about anything. So I did share that with her. I also was able to tell her some of the medical history I was able to learn through the recent contact with my sister - although I didn't mention that my sister exists - just said I had found out some information - she reacted in a very calm way and reassured me on some things.
Anyway, I am glad that I went, although it caused me to be in an EF for the remainder of the day - and I felt such a range of feelings - and my head was in a lot of pain above the left eye - and around the eye-socket area - a bit like a migraine really - and I was shocked by how high my blood pressure had gone.
I know it was a big thing to have shared my family circumstances a little - and I am glad I did it. The Nurse was kind and reassuring.
Anyway, I'm taking it easy today - because I feel like it was a big ordeal to have gone through - my partner was surprised by how anxious I had become - but I've tried to explain to him - so he can understand why I felt like I did.
I feel very tearful as I write this, I guess it's feeling the sense of vulnerability again - so I'm going to have a cup of tea.
Hope :)
Hey honey,
I think you have mentioned this before that your littles don't like you sharing about your past or family. It makes sense that your heart was racing as you were torn in 2. Your littles want you to stay quiet and you, being the cognizant one needs to share medical history with medical professionals. Quite the tug of war my dear.
Good job with self care and writing about your feelings here. Much love darling
Nothing to add except a warm, safe :hug:.
Hi Deep Blue - what you said makes perfect sense, and I related very much to feeling as if I was 'torn' between my cognizant adult part - trying to take me to the Nurse to have my medical needs tended to, and my Littles who were very frightened. Actually - I wonder if it's the fact that my Littles wanted to talk to that nurse, but there was a protector part that doesn't want them to - that makes more sense, as I felt like the Littles were 'reaching out' to the kindness that the Nurse portrayed. I was aware of being extremely hypervigilant in the waiting room, and looking at every person's face and also wondering what the Nurse would be like - and I guess all that processing was meaning my heart-rate was racing etc. Anyway, I am so relieved to have got through it! :hug: to you for your lovely words too. I always appreciate what you say.
Hi Three Roses - thank you so much - I reciprocate that hug - a warm and safe one - thank you :hug:
*****
I have more appointments to attend tomorrow - this time I will need to be strong to accompany someone else to the GP - a different place to the one I went to yesterday - I desperately want to support this person, but I am once again wondering which parts of me will be activated during the appointment, and how I'll cope. I am unsure. But I will do my best - I am often better at supporting other people than I am at supporting myself - so I hope I'll be ok. But my strength seems to be zapped a bit - I am feeling as if I need to re-charge my batteries, and they aren't working properly at the moment. I think I need a 'new engine' - if that makes sense. Isn't it a pity that we can't just take out the bits we need to change, and put in completely new ones - re-wired and without the memories.
But then, would life be as interesting as it can be - I don't know.
I don't feel very in touch with my feelings just now - I feel like they're quite separate from me just now. I am planning to have a quiet night.
Hope :)
Such an achievement! You really did some hard work with that nurse. I am so glad you dared to tell her a little bit. I hope that this will be a step towards showing your littles that sometimes sharing the hard and painful, and scary things can be good and will be helpful to the whole of you. :hug: if that's okay?
Hope/
I'm just echoing the cheers and support of the other members here. Great job! And sending you much love for all that is yet to come.
Rest up, friend.
It's funny you are accompanying someone else to the GP this week cuz I did something similar.
I finally got a friend of mine into therapy this week and accompanied her there. She was nervous and everything you would expect. Surprisingly, I was calm. I was glad I felt so calm because I didn't want to cause her additional stress. The appointment went very well and I really was happy with the therapist I set her up with.
Great analysis Hope!
Take good care and get some rest :hug:
Hi Sceal, Jdog & Deep Blue - thank you all so much. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Journal entry on 2nd November 2018
I have had a tough day today - so I'm going to be kind to myself tonight - however I do want to write about the past week here in my Journal - and I hope to do so over the weekend - so that's the plan. But for now, I am going to 'rest up' (to use jdog's lovely phrase) - I think that's just what I need to do tonight.
:grouphug: to everyone in this forum - you are all special to me - and I appreciate so much that this place is here.
Hope :)
Hope-
I'm picturing you at rest and with a smile on your face!
Hi BeHea1thy - thank you so much.
Hi Jdog - thank you - I did rest - and I have a smile on my face now! :)
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Journal Entry on 3rd November 2018
It felt like an extra tough week for me - last week - it was very hard to talk to that Nurse about my personal things - plus the fact I was worried about her whilst I was doing it. I know that probably sounds a bit strange, but I really was worried for her - as I knew she was sitting there with her list of things she wanted to get through, and I was ending up being tearful and distraught - and I worried about her, in addition to myself.
But - the thing is that I did manage to go there, and I did manage to say something. She was able to reassure me on a couple of things - so that was good. I have registered with a new GP - I was able to see a photo of her - as they had a TV screen showing all their medical staff and their special interests etc - and I looked at my new GP and thought she looked approachable. So that was good. My adult self and my littles seemed to think she 'looked' ok. I have no idea when I'll need to go and see her - and meet her - I am likely to avoid it really - until I have to go. I think I am a bit avoidant of medical people generally.
I am also worried about what that Nurse will write about me - and how she'll record her notes - on the computer, but I wonder what she will put. How she will describe me. That kind of thing. I know I felt a lot of shame for being there as an adult woman and unable to keep myself 'together' to talk without breaking down in tears.
The other thing is that I had prepared for that appointment, as I have previously had copies of my medical notes - and the night before I had read through them, and made some 'notes' on them. Except that the process of doing that meant that I came face to face with the past few years of my medical history and I realised how dissociated I had been through quite a few of those years - and reading some things really shocked different parts of me - I got some big EF's too - during that night - and felt my anxiety spiralling off - I realised how long I'd been on medication prevously - and how difficult I had found it to come off that medication. I guess that was what worried me - seeing the Nurse - that maybe she'd see my anxiety and think I needed medication again - which I don't feel I need at all - I think that was a fear.
Then - later in the week I was accompanying someone to the GP - and that went ok - I think I dissociated during the process of doing that - it was like it didn't affect me at all. But when some results were shared, I felt a lot of relief - as I realise that I had been very worried about the outcome - and how it might go.
The night after that - I slept very well - much deeper and in a more relaxed way. Probably just exhausted.
Last night, I felt as if younger parts of me were trying to communicate with me - during my sleep - but in the light of day, I can't recall what they communicated - it's just a 'sense' I have that they did.
I avoided a social thing mid-week - just felt I couldn't cope with it - and gave an excuse for not being able to do it.
I think overall I'm doing ok.
Hope :)
Hope,
So great to hear that you are doing a little better. You showed some excellent strength and self analysis this week. It is no wonder you were tired.
I really see some big positive steps as well. Within the same week you had an appointment where you felt unsure and off balance and then were STILL able to be there for someone else. Wow that is so great.
I think it's ok to be nervous about meeting new people and Especially new doctors. I'm glad to hear you were able to calm the littles with some self care and finally able to sleep a little better too.
Continue to take care of you Hope
:hug:
Hope,
I think it's brave of you to face what you fear in regards to medical professionals. I know this is really hard for you, but you did it! And it seems like you are acknowleding for yourself too, that you did it despite it being difficult!
I don't think that the nurse would have seen you as a bother, if she had a lot she absolutley HAD to go through, and that there was emergency tasks that had a spesific deadline - she would have let you know. But from what you wrote, she took her time to talk to you and to listen. That to me are signs that she cares.
QuoteI avoided a social thing mid-week - just felt I couldn't cope with it - and gave an excuse for not being able to do it.
I think that it was very well done setting a boundary. You checked in with yourself and found that the social engagement were too much for you this week. And you said no. I think that's a good step in setting clear boundaries for yourself. :cheer:
:hug: if you want one!
Hope, I feel like sending you some :hug: :hug: From what I gather you're doing a lot of healing work atm but I'm unable to read about it. That would be one of many things too much.
Hi Deep Blue, Sceal & Blueberry - thank you all so much. I want to say more to each of you - but right now, I am in a rush - as I have the equivalent of my 'in-laws' coming around later - and I find that quite triggering in a few ways!!! I feel sure you understand this.
*****
Journal entry for 4.11.18
The equivalent of my 'in-laws' are due soon - I have been trying to get things ready - tidy - hide away signs of self-help books (of which there are many!) and try to portray a life that is 'ok' - I am triggered quite a bit by this - and I will be relieved when things are back to normal again tomorrow - i.e. when they have gone away... They are nice people in themselves, but I don't think they understand me - and of course I don't feel I trust them enough to open up to them.
Anyway, I am managing to just about cope - rushing around, trying to sort things out. One good thing is that things look much tidier than they did before!!! So I think that's good!
There are some silver linings to everything - and that's one of them.
Hope to catch up here tomorrow - hope to have a bit more time then.
Hope :)
Let's hear I for silver linings, Hope. In the LGBTQ world, back when being "different" had even more dire consequences than today, we called getting rid of evidence of our real lives "straightening up"! Sounds like you have been doing something long those same lines, my dear!
Hi jdog, Yes, you're right, I was straightening up my environment, and ensuring there were no traces of information that could point to my different issues - and I was successful in hiding all traces - at least I think so...
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Journal Entry on 5th November 2018
I anticipated that my 'in-laws' might cause me some challenges yesterday - but you know - it went ok in the end - and this made me wonder why my anxiety beforehand is so high - because when it comes to it, I can cope better than I anticipate that I will - at least sometimes - and it's a relief - but also I feel so fatigued after - as it takes such a lot of energy out of me. I guess it's forever 'anticipating' what might be said, and not knowing the best way to respond - and having to anticipate those things, means that the conversation feels like a potential minefield - and I tread very carefully.
I was talking to my partner today about it - and he wondered if it was because I am bothered by what people might think - I told him it's not that - it's because there are so many different parts of me, and basically I've rarely spoken about my feelings about things 'out loud' - only to him, and to a couple of close friends - and that even with myself - I have so many different parts of me that feel different ways about the exact same issue/thing - that there's conflict, and often emotive pushes and pulls. Even trying to explain it to him, made me feel that words are just very hard to formulate to say something clearly - because there's a lot of muddling of the waters and lack of clarity.
I already feel 'silly' because my inner critic is telling me 'What are you on about now?' - but I'm going to just keep writing, as I would like to write today - here in my Journal and see what comes out - as I have felt as if I have had moments of clarity and then part of me comes along and tries to 'rub out' those bits - and so maybe writing here will allow me to share some stuff.
I completed the Dissociation Treatment book yesterday - in terms of having read it all - I finished it late last night - and weirdly I can't remember much about it now! But I know that it was a really useful book - and so my plan to go back through it chapter by chapter - and hopefully try to implement some of the things within it - that will be good for me. But again, the fact I can't remember much - means that part of me that likes to rub things out - has been busy working to rub it out for me!
I feel like I want to take a couple of days to just chill out and relax a bit - try to do something creative - maybe a drawing - or find a non self-help book to read - even though I never seem to be able to read those - I rarely finish any book - as a child I'd have a pile of books under the bed and just read a page or two of each - dipping into different ones. Perhaps I can do the same as an adult - but with a nice range of fun books. I'll think about that.
I've been thinking that I would like to make progress with writing about the 'different parts of me' - as they are now more recognisable to me - at least a few of them are. But I am fearful of writing down descriptions of them - and I wonder if that is their reticence for me to talk about them - I realise they are parts of me, but I also realise that they are protective of me, and part of that has been that some of them really didn't want me to talk about my inner experiences - and therefore there's a conflict.
There was someting I read in a newspaper the other day that has affected me quite a bit - it was ***trigger warning till end of paragraph*** a young girl who had ended up taking her own life (suspected) in her wardrobe and the newspaper had suggested that she had been frightened of a Film she'd seen (a children's film which portrayed monsters coming from the wardrobe) - it evoked quite strong feelings for me - relating to my own terror and screaming experienced as a very young child after I watched a film that had really disturbed me - and the terror I had felt. The thing is that for me, I realise (through speaking to my elder sister) and relying on the few memories I have of those times, that my home environment was not very good - and I do suspect that maybe I projected my fears onto that film - instead of onto the actual things that were happening around me, and my reaction to all of that. I know that my elder sister told me that she had tried to take her own life (I won't say what she said she'd done, as I don't want to be graphic), but I do believe her - and I am so grateful that she wasn't successful in that - and that she is alive and living her life now.
*** end of Trigger warning
I feel that my partner is very supportive - because he had read a letter in the newspaper recently that was by someone who had NC with their FOO - and he literally told me that that person had 'far less' dysfunctional stuff than I had, and yet they had said being NC was the best thing they had ever done. I am interested in my reaction to this, because it surprises me that he thinks my family dynamics are so bad - because I think I minimise things - and can't see them as being as bad as he does. I was shocked by the fact that when I saw a therapist - that she suggested to me that I break contact - I thought that she wouldn't be so prescriptive in her viewpoints - but she said that to me and I heeded her words - because I could see it was destroying me to keep such toxic contact. I went LC at first, and then NC - and it's a few years now.
But I still feel the impact of my FOO on me - even though I am NC - I still feel they affect me - I've noticed at night that I will get flashes of concern for whether they might be dying - or ill - because they are of course getting older. I feel guilt about that - guilt that I should be a caring and dutiful daughter - and yet I am not there for them. Yet, they haven't really shown much meaningful care or love for me - I realise that now.
In a letter from my M (during the time we were low contact) she actually wrote that she wished the events of the year before my birth had never happened - and that shocked me so much, because I can only take that to mean that she wished I had never been conceived, and therefore never born - or lived. I realise she might have meant something else, but it is something I never expected to hear from her - especially in writing like that. Yet, even as I write that - I can't feel any anger. I don't feel anything right now - but I remember when I read the letter at the time she had sent it, that I had felt some intense feelings - but they had been more of fear and upset at the contact and a fear of upsetting her! Like I'd done someting really bad to get such a letter from her.
I feel better for having gone to see the Nurse last week - but I remember how bad I felt for a while after - and there were visual images coming to me that were quite distressing - for a while - but thankfully those didn't stay with me - but it makes me think about how certain parts of me are angry that I went and that I spoke to her about personal things - and shared even just a small amount. I was trying to pacify those parts and say that I appreciated them trying to protect me in that way, but the Nurse was kind, and she did listen to me.
When I think about it now, I really feel that she was a kind Nurse - and it makes me feel glad to know that she's there - and that in the future maybe I can go and see her. I just hope that the GP will be as nice. But I am still going to wait until I absolutely have to go - before making any further appointments, and I'm glad that at the moment, I think I should be ok for a hopefully long time...!
I plan to try to relax and also think of a plan to go forward as the week goes on - I've read a lot, and I need to consolidate it and then think about how to progress. So, that's my plan...
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
So much insight here!
I like the idea of getting to know some of your littles... maybe 1 or 2 feel safer? It surely doesn't need to be all at once either.
I think it's wonderful that your partner noticed the newspaper article and encouraged NC as being a good thing. Your relationship seems to have lots of understanding.
I don't care what your FOO says! You are valuable and I'm grateful for you. Sometimes I've noticed others pick fights to make the parting of ways easier.
I'm glad the nurse was kind to you. I know it was difficult but now look? Just a week later and that cloud of self doubt seems to have lifted quite a bit.
Much love Hope
Hope-
I'm lacking the emotional bandwidth to read your full post, but do send you support at this time.
(jdog - "emotional bandwidth" :applause: love it!)
Quotethere are so many different parts of me, and basically I've rarely spoken about my feelings about things 'out loud' - only to him, and to a couple of close friends - and that even with myself - I have so many different parts of me that feel different ways about the exact same issue/thing - that there's conflict, and often emotive pushes and pulls.
This is me too. Thank you for sharing this, it's something I could never put into words. Since becoming aware of these "separate but the same" parts, I've had a few odd occurrences. I'll see if I can put words to them in my own journal. Thanks again. :hug:
Hi Jdog - I also like the word 'emotional bandwidth' too, and thankyou so much for your reply and support. It means a lot. :)
Hi Three Roses - Thank you so much - I am feeling validated by what you said, as you have described feeling the same way - and that makes me feel much less alone with it - thank you. I am glad I was able to put it into words that made some sense - because like you said, it's not an easy thing to convey or describe.
****
Journal entry on 7th November 2018
I hope to be back later - at some point today - but it's a busy day for me today - I have some chores that I need to do out of the house, and then a social meet-up with a friend - so if I get chance later, I'll be back - as I really want to write some things here that have been coming up in my mind.
Hope :)
7th November 2018
I am back again - earlier than I anticipated - and the reason is that I have realised that I have a tendency to 'avoid' - probably because of conflict between my different parts - about sharing things and writing about things - and I think that holds me back sometimes - I was going to prioritise my 'chores' and then I wondered - why have I named them as 'chores' - surely that is suggesting they are arduous and difficult things - not enjoyable at all. Some of them are things like shopping in the supermarket - and actually I enjoy doing that. It's not a chore at all. I suspect that some of this language choice is down to a part of me that wants me to 'suffer' somehow - and 'feel bad' and 'feel guilty' about the fact I'm no longer working - and have time to go and enjoy supermarket shopping - as opposed to rushing about - which would have been my previous actions - when juggling a very full-on working week and trying to fit things in around it. I know that I hold a lot of guilt about the fact I'm no longer working now - but I also recognise that I was incredibly traumatised by the toxic working environment and things that had gone on at work - and having my FOO issues alongside - and my CPTSD - it was all overwhelming.
When I think about all the factors that have affected me - it is over-whelming, and in many ways I wonder 'where do I start' - in terms of focusing on my parts and how I'm coping etc.
Before I lose my train of thought - I've brought a piece of paper where I have jotted down a few 'notes from notes' - i.e. I made some 'notes' about the more extensive notes I had previously written - and this is what I wrote:
"Going on with normal life. Look at internal conflicts. Which parts activated? and Triggers and chains of reaction. Flow-diagrams till full picture appreciated.
Blending/identifying parts.
Attach part - wish for closeness (elicit help and protection)
Submit part - ability to appease (to please)
Flight part - need for distance (to keep a safe distance or not come at all)
Freeze part - fear of attack
Fight part - imperative to control (to fight for control)
Defensive flexibility - quick automatic transitions - important when you have easily provoked abusive caretakers.
But these defensive patterns are no longer useful once we feel safe.
Wise Mind - Curiosity, Compassion, Wisdom, Courage and Calm. Clarity, Confidence and Commitment."
So I wrote the above yesterday - and what comes to mind as I have typed that out - is that I am not sure whether I feel safe - because there are various parts of me that 'do not feel safe' - and there are parts which have communicated feelings of terror - although they haven't expressed the source of that terror.
Even regarding my FOO - I actually don't feel safe about the possibility that they might try to make further contact - although at the same time, I think they are now focusing on their newly found relative (grandchild) - and so they may no longer need to find me to try to fuel their narcissistic supply.
The notes I wrote above are literally things written in books I've read - I suspect it might be from Janina's book - for some reason my memory of the big Dissociation Treatment book I've only just finished reading has blurred - I literally can't recall it - it's like the part of me that wants to rub things out has rubbed it out.
I was reading in the forum last night a thread where some people were discussing their experiences of another Dissociation book - I think it was by Boon, but I'm not sure if that's the right name, but what struck me was the fact that people were talking about how they were 'avoiding' their parts - and not feeing comfortable to write about them, and I thought - yes, I relate so much to this - but I also remember that I wrote quite a lot in other threads on the forum - so there's other parts of me who will write quite a lot - and indeed, I feel this morning that 'yes - I will write' - I'm not going to avoid it...
Three Roses has helped me to feel stronger, by her bravery in writing - and many other people too - I really think that the 'protective' parts of us - whilst being helpful in the past - they are defensive patterns that may no longer be useful - but I guess the fear is that 'what if' - because essentially people who should have cared - weren't able to, or didn't provide the things that my littles needed. For reasons of their own, it was difficult for them. I can see that. I can understand it to a degree, but there are parts of me that are angry about that.
I did have a realisation yesterday, which I wrote in another book I keep - and I said in that book "Dissociated parts - Realisation - Getting on with normal life parts thrived at work sometimes. When left work - they went into exile. Left more vulnerable child parts. Didn't cope so well. But coping part returning. Beginning to connect more with other parts"
** I am highlighting this part - as I want to find a way of communicating with my dissociated parts - I have started that process - I was doing a Meditation Circle - but I've ?avoided doing it for a few weeks now - I think I need to get into a practice of doing it - so I can 'be there' for my different parts and enable us to communicate regularly.
What the Dissociation Treatment book suggested - if I've got it right - is that I shouldn't begin to approach the traumatic memories yet - but allow my parts to communicate and to feel more comfortable with each other, and get some agreement among them about going forward to work towards a common goal. I think a goal would be to live in harmony in the current time and feel safe - and to understand any EFs and work through them.
I don't think I can write anymore for now - but I'm glad I came back and just 'wrote'.
Hope :)
I had an interesting time going shopping - I thought it would be enjoyable, and parts of it was, but I was also experiencing more 'flashbacks' somehow today - and more experiences of being triggered and ending up unable to think or express myself properly - however, I was much more mindful of each experience, and was more aware of what the different triggers were, and I was also aware of what was happening - and I didn't worry too much about it - because I was 'aware' - and so the experiences didn't last so long - and the great thing was that I found my social meeting with my friend so much more enjoyable than I normally would - I found I was more able to open up and engage in a two-way conversation - which is different from my usual stance with friends, which is to listen to them and support them, and be quiet about my own stuff - this friend is one that I have started to open up with - and I can share things because she does understand - so that's been good.
I actually got home and thought to myself that somehow I felt more like an 'adult' today - and less like a child - I often feel childlike and 'lost' somehow, but today I actually felt more adult and able to choose things. I am celebrating those things.
Right at this moment, I am feeling more stable internally - this contrasts with a feeling of angst I had felt the past day - and a feeling that I couldn't settle and was anxious. I prefer this feelng today - but I also wonder if maybe it's because I got through those EF's whilst out and about earlier - and they haven't left me as drained or concerned as I would normally be. Just being aware of what's happening - it seemed better.
I am thankful for that.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 8th November 2018
I think I have had a bit of a back-lash from my inner selves - in that speaking yesterday to my friend about personal things, and then having a dream last night where I connected with a feeling of intense terror - and then today - I've just felt 'directionless' and 'down in the dumps' - I wouldn't say I'm too bad, just have this unsettling feeling that I've done something wrong, that I'll get into trouble, and feelings like that. I also feel a sense of dread and waves of 'upset' - and then I think about what direction I should go in next - i.e. I have read many self-help books - and the ones I found most helpful were several of them - and now I wonder - where should I start. I was going to do a plan - and I started to draft a few notes I'd taken, and then I thought - no, I can't handle this - it's too much - I feel over-whelmed.
Then I ended up watching TV and saw an American film about Christmas and it was a slushy romance - and somehow that made me feel nostalgic for some kind of chocolate-box kind of scenario - and I don't think that's reality at all.
Although I am very happy with my partner - I don't want my watching a film about a Romance to suggest I'm not happy in my relationship - I feel the need to say that - because I love my partner so much. I realise that part of my concern today - is that I was worried about the fact he ended up acting out a dream related to my FOO - and I did talk to him afterwards about it - and he acknowledged that seeing me being really upset in the middle of the night had played on his mind, and then he'd had a nightmare involving my FOO (parents) - and he admitted that he feels very angry towards them and blames them for how I struggle with unresolved feelings and flashbacks etc. I told him that I appreciated his love and concern very much, and that knowing he had had such a dream (nightmare) made me worry about him - and at the same time made me feel some anger towards my FOO for upsetting him. I did however realise that I don't seem to be able to feel much anger relating to how they treated me - at least many parts of me don't - maybe there is an angry part - who feels that, but I sense an angry part but don't know what their anger is related to/about.
I felt like I had been reasonably productive last week - in terms of things I had achieved - I could write things down in my Gratitude diary - and I felt like I was making progress. But this week - I feel directionless really.
I had felt on a bit of high yesterday - after speaking to my friend, but coming back down with a bump again today - and I have another social thing to go to tonight - I had cancelled it last week as I felt I couldn't cope - so I will go tonight - but I don't feel like I have much energy. I hope it will be ok, and that I'll cope ok. I feel sure I'll get some energy from somewhere. Maybe I'll go to bed for an hour this afternoon - to re-charge my batteries.
Anyway, it's helped to write this, and I think I will maybe take a warm bath and go to sleep for a little while, and then try to put on some nicer clothes to go out with my friend tonight.
Hope :)
hope, i've read your journal about your 'parts' and 'littles', and thought you courageous and insightful, but really couldn't relate. today for some reason, i began wondering if i have some of that stuff going on as well, just never gave a name to it,
i know i've experienced dissociation and depersonalization, but never attributed it to specific 'parts' of me, except for the 'gray' me i experienced at an interview. you've got me thinking there may be more to me than has met my eye. thank you for sharing all this, for keeping at it, and for knowing so much about yourself. you may have opened a door for me i wasn't aware was there.
love and hugs, sweetie.
Quote... in that speaking yesterday to my friend about personal things, and then having a dream last night where I connected with a feeling of intense terror - and then today - I've just felt 'directionless' and 'down in the dumps' - .... I felt like I was making progress. But this week - I feel directionless really.... I had felt on a bit of high yesterday - after speaking to my friend, but coming back down with a bump again today -
This happens to me every time I share with someone face to face. There are a couple of exceptions but even with those people I sometimes experience what I call an "over share hangover". I think it comes from some past betrayals. Big hug to you, Hope! :hug:
You are so insightful dear hope. I'm glad you and your partner are in such an open and loving relationship. Your ability to be vulnerable with each other speaks to the depth of your care for one another. Love ya :hug:
Hi SanMagic, It means a lot that you relate to things I've written about my 'littles' and 'parts' because it's been quite challenging to enable myself to start to do that - and sometimes I have wondered if I seem strange to be thinking in the way I do - but the more I read, in both the self-help books and here in the forum, I realise that it is a fairly common experience - for many of us - and we can relate to one another, and that feels very validating to me, and encourages me to continue on this path. Although I have to admit I've been finding it extremely over-whelming sometimes too, so I'm trying to do my best to pace myself. I remember you mentioning the 'Gray lady' before - and I related to that - because I mentioned my 'Edwardian/Victorian Lady' - walking with heavy skirts and she seems to wear dark and grey clothes too, when I picture her in my mind. Love and hugs to you SanMagic, and thank you for your validation and your support. :hug:
Hi Three Roses - Yes, this does definitely describe how I felt yesterday - it was like a 'over share hangover' - thank you so much for sharing your experience, because I feel it very closely too - and it makes sense as well. Thank you! Big hug to you too, Three Roses :hug: - I really appreciate and value your validation and caring replies.
Hi Deep Blue - I love ya too - you know. You are such a kind and lovely person - it shines through. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 9th November 2018
Today I am being kind to myself - I am going to do some relaxing things - I will do some dot-to-dots as well - as they are very relaxing for me.
Just reflecting on my social with my friend last night - it went well - it was completely different to the other one with my other friend, in that I didn't share personal things so much - but I realised that my friend does know some very personal things about me already - and I have opened up to her more than I perhaps realised - and it's been ok - so that was an interesting realisation for me.
I am planning to relax today - and then hopefully do some writing in the forum on the weekend - about my parts - as I am beginning to make some realisations, and I think it might be time to share some of those - and seek validation for them, as I know that helps me to heal and progress. That's how I feel right at this moment - whether I will feel the same when it comes to it - I don't know - but I'll see what happens.
At least today - at this moment - I feel quite positive and hopeful. My over-sharing hang-over has gone away today - I feel relieved.
Hope :)
Hope-
I just want to say that you sound like such a lovely person, one that is a great friend. You are doing remarkable work on your past traumas, bringing things into the light. I admire you, and am glad you have a loving partner and some great friends. :hug:
Hey Hope,
I just want you to know I've found myself in a similar position before. I've found myself sharing some personal stuff with a friends before. Honestly, I don't like sharing my own stuff much. So whenever I do share... it always feels like an over share. Hope that makes sense.
Anyway it sounds like your friend is not judging so I think that's a good sign. Keep taking care of you sweetie
Hi Jdog - thank you so much - I appreciate you saying that very much - I've been thinking about you this week - as I know there have been some horrible fires in your local area - and I hope very much that you are ok. I also hope that your wife is recuperating well.
Hi Deep Blue - Yes, your words make a lot of sense to me - and thank you for sharing - and I think you're right, my friend wasn't judging - that is a good sign. I am lucky to have some good friends. I know that. Thank you for your support - it means a lot.
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Journal entry on 11th November 2018
I've found it quite emotional today - there are lots of articles and news items about the Remembrance Ceremonies - and it's very poignant in many ways. I have got social stuff with the equivalent of my in-laws later today - and I feel like it's something I'd rather not have to do today - but I will go - and hopefully it will be ok.
I had hoped to write more in the forum over the weekend, but I've not managed to do so - I was trying to think of how I could write about my 'inner parts' - and I am thinking that 'writing letters' to express their emotions and feelings might be a cathartic thing to do - but somehow I'm avoiding getting round to starting that.
But I feel as if I might suddenly just 'write' - so if that happens, then I will no doubt do it. Until then, I'll just take it as it comes.
Hope :)
Journal entry on 12th November 2018
I still feel quite emotional regarding the Armistice - and I seem to be suffering from tinnitus quite a bit today - not sure why. I think I'm a bit run down - so I'm going to try to be kind to myself today. I coped better than I thought I would with seeing my partner's relatives yesterday - this seems to be a pattern - I assume it will be difficult, and the reality is it is better than I anticipate - so maybe I can let my guard down a bit next time, and maybe go with the flow more - maybe I'll just relax and feel less defended in such situations. I hope so. They are nice people - and I think it's more the concerns of some of my 'inners' that put the barriers up - because they want to protect me from potential hurt - but maybe there aren't so many things to hurt me in the here and now - something to think about.
Anyway, I will take it easy today.
Hope :)
Hope-
Glad you are taking thing so slow and easy today. Yes, Armistice is a sobering thing. Don't you wish we had learned more of the lessons that horrible war could have taught us as humans? And I also have constant tinnitus, so I understand the frustration there.
Your partner's family must be nice people, and I'm glad you had a positive interaction with them. We all deserve to be treated kindly, and it sounds like you are being treated kindly by them.
Thanks Jdog - I have had a reasonable day in the end. So that's good. :hug:
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Journal entry later on 12th November 2018
Today has felt like a more emotional day - but I allowed my emotions to rise up and I 'felt' them - which is what I've actively tried to do - rather than push the emotions aside or dissociate from them. I think it was good for me - I also watched a very upsetting drama on TV - which made me cry a lot - and that was cathartic really - getting out remaining tears that felt like they needed expression.
I watched a few u-tube videos about Dissociation - but didn't really find much that I related to there - I like the book I read much better. So I hope to return to it, and maybe to start working through it again 'Chapter by Chapter' and see how that goes, and I hope to write it in a section called 'Book Talk' that I saw - I hope that's ok - I hope to read Chapter 1 again in the next couple of days - all being well.
I have also started reading a book by Windy Dryden "Ten Steps to Positive Living" - it is written in a chatty style and he makes some good points - although typically when I try to recall any of the points he's made - at this moment - I can't remember a single one!!! But I know I enjoyed reading it today - and it made sense. I think he spoke about taking responsibility for things, and also choosing goals which are desirable rather than exacting in nature - thereby being 'flexible' rather than bound to any rules. But I could be completely picking points that jumped into my mind just now, and may have not picked out the same points that he made. I am doubting my ability to remember. I feel silly now.
I've been thinking about the fact that I feel 'resistance' to writing about my parts - and what that might be about. I think it's concerning to me to be open about my feelings and my thoughts - and I wonder if I'm worried about how I'm perceived. Part of me is, and other parts of me aren't so bothered. So again, a conflict between them on how they feel about that.
I feel a bit better in myself at the moment - it was like I had a lot of melancholy hanging over me for most of the earlier part of the day, and now it's lifted - and I feel better. I really wondered if I was sickening for something - that I was run down, and going to get some kind of virus or illness - or something. But I feel better right now. Maybe crying and being able to feel my emotions for those moments in the earlier part of the day - that was a good thing for me.
I tried to do a Meditation Circle inviting my inner parts to attend, but because I'd not done it for quite a long time, I found that I couldn't do it. I need to try to get into a more disciplined and regular thing - because I fear that my inners will feel that I've neglected them again, and they may not communicate with me so much.
I have been feeling a bit guilty too - for the fact that I wrote quite a lot in someone else's Journal - and I wondered if I had said too much. I've been feeling guilty about it. But the person did ask for comments, and somehow the part of me that was around at the time - responded with her thoughts about it. I know that was 'me' - but I also acknowledge that I was feeling able to respond and express myself clearly at the time, and instead of holding back, and maybe thinking about what I said - I just 'said it' - and I know that one of my friends cautions me against writing spontaneously, as she tells me that I could potentially then regret an action - she often counsels me to sleep on something before acting. She hasn't said this to me recently, but I remember her words from the past, and I thought to myself - perhaps I shouldn't just write things sometimes without thinking and without censoring or re-thinking.
I'm going to be a bit braver right now and just say that when I am communicating in any situation - there is often 'thoughts' or 'almost voices' that I hear (maybe inner thoughts) and they can sometimes swear or say things that I would never actually say - and sometimes they indicate that they want to push someone away - or hit them even. I have never acted on these thoughts, but it does make me wonder whether my anger has been repressed and dissociated to such a degree that I have repressed anger underlying, and then the thoughts express it.
I am also aware that different parts of myself have acted in the past in ways I wouldn't allow myself to act in the current time. I've done things in the past - at younger ages that I feel embarrassed about, that I feel ashamed of - and yet I also realise that I did those things to survive some difficult circumstances.
On an emotional level - I found today hard - hearing people talk about Armistice and the incredible emotional things that were spoken about yesterday - during Remembrances - and then people spoke about trying to connect with family connections to past wars - it made me think that I have never been told anything significant about my FOO - and that I hardly know them - and I felt incredibly sad for that - it was like I wanted to erase the past and replace it with something else - something happier - something substantive. Something meaningful. But I can't.
Hope :)
Referring to a book, Hope 67 said: :...when I try to recall any of the points he's made - at this moment - I can't remember a single one!!!" That's often how I am, too. But I've also stopped beating myself up over it, as if it indicates some dire failure on my part. Sometimes when I realize this, something else :doh: dawns for me -- that it's better to absorb the totality than strive to recall every little detail. In the end, I realize that it's not the forgotten details, but the essence of what's said or written that rings true. It's like the heart knows what the intellect strives so hard to get.
Regarding the difficult Armistice Day reactions, I can erupt in tears just at the mention of that sorry time in history. Except it seems like it's never even ended; the old cycle of hatred backed with inhumane forces goes on, and on, and on, and... I'm known to some for my interest in history, but I can't stand the war parts, and am ultra-horrified at those who even put on uniforms and role-play that stuff. That's horrible; I just don't understand the thrill-value that some seem to get out of mass killing.
Sorry, I'm not in the habit of butting into journals, unless I see a salient point come sailing out at me, as it were. I guess your ruminations appeal as you express so much so well :thumbup: (including doubts and wonderings).
Dearest Hope,
So many excellent thoughts today.
First, good job on getting those tears out. My T says that releasing tears or sadness is key to catharsis. I must admit though, I'm a bit envious of you being able to tap into your emotions. I hope you don't find me mean for saying it.... I just can't cry, don't cry and dissociation tends to be the result. I think I much to learn from you friend.
As far as you sharing your thoughts in an unfiltered way, I love it :bigwink: I love people who say what they mean and don't beat around the bush. Thanks for being you and know that I will never shame you for it :hug:
I want to say more but alas I'm feeling a bit tired now and think I should do some self care. Much love to you dear :hug:
Hi Woodsgnome,
I appreciated your comments here very much - thank you. I like your suggestion that it's better to absorb the totality than to recall the little details - and the 'essence' of something is what rings true - and I especially liked what you said about the heart knowing what the intellect strives so hard to get - you are expressing the kernel of it - I think you're spot on. :hug: to you, if that's ok. :)
Hi Deep Blue,
I don't think I would ever perceive you to be 'mean' in any sense of the word - you are such a lovely person - even your name encapsulates a depth - 'deep blue' - and that depth represents kindness and I always appreciate things you say, so thank you for validating my expressions. I know you were tired when you wrote - and you said you were going to do some self-care - I hope you were able to do that, and that you feel more refreshed today. Much love to you too. :hug:
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Journal entry on 13th November 2018
I am feeling relieved today - because I am thankful that I'm not feeling so low or tearful - and I feel calmer inside. I did a bit of de-cluttering in the house - just for about 40 minutes, but I felt it was a step closer to being more tidy and sorted. I'm going to try to do a similar amount each day this week and that way I'll have done quite a bit by the end of the week.
I really thought I was getting a cold or run-down - but I feel as if I have a bit more energy today - so maybe I'm ok afterall.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 16th November 2018
I seem to be getting more 'body issues' - in that I feel some back pain, and also menstrual pain - and my tinnitus is also quite prominent. But I'm trying to keep going on with normal day tasks, and I did take a hot bath yesterday and slept for an hour in the afternoon - which felt like a safe form of hibernation somehow. I'm also pleased to say that I didn't feel so much 'guilt' for taking that action - sometimes I can feel very guilty if I do that. But instead, I felt safe and cosy for a few moments.
I've made some progress in terms of finally starting to summarise the Chapters of the Treating Dissociation book - I've done the first 2 - and it's felt ok. I found it hard to 'start it' - but once I started I managed to do it - and I will take a break from it over the weekend - as I want to try to do something that doesn't involve 'self-help' for the weekend.
What I do hope to try doing is going back to my daily Meditation Circles - to keep contact with my parts - and I might try different ways of communicating with them. I found it helpful to 'write a letter' to my parts - the other day - and I think maybe that is a way to free up my communication channels with them.
Hope :)
you're sounding very positive, hope, seeing ways to help yourself, putting up boundaries in order to take a break, and allowing yourself that 'cosy' rest. personally, i love napping, and i think that for many years that was my safe place, a place to take a break from all the madness. they are a priority for me now.
i like your idea of keeping channels open among your parts. i think it's a wonderful thing to do. best wishes that it continues to serve all of you well.
love and hugs, sweetie. enjoy the weekend.
:yeahthat:
Hi SanMagic & Deep Blue, thank you both for your lovely replies and sending you both love and hugs :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 18th November 2018
I'm not entirely sure what's been happening to me this weekend, but I've experienced less ability to contain my emotions - and some occasions when I feel like the younger part of myself has surfaced - and unfortunately I felt that part of myself do that infront of my partner - when he was expressing some strong views about various political things that are going on in the UK at the moment - and somehow that young part or parts of me just couldn't cope - and I felt like I dissociated infront of his face - and then I just exploded into tears - I felt really silly - small - I guess that must have been an EF - he told me he felt really bad for me - and later he told me that he worries sometimes about talking to me about some things - and that bothered me - to think he might change his behaviour to try to minimise my distress - as I'd rather that he continued to treat me as an adult and talk with me. But clearly, I wasn't feeling like an adult at the time I lost control of my emotions and broke down like that.
This evening for some reason I feel as if I'm very small indeed, and that my body is very large - I actually feel as if I'm encased in fat - and I don't like it. It's a feeling that isn't one of 'reality' it's a peculiar feeling. I have over-eaten this weekend, and I think that's down to my period - and hormonal stuff - and I guess my clothes do feel tighter - so there is that feeling of being bigger as a result of that. But it's not a normal kind of feeling - it's a de-personalised kind of thing. Anyway, I am trying to ground myself - and keep in the here and now as much as I can. I thought it would help to come here and talk about it, and it does feel better for saying it here.
Regarding my feelings, I think I feel a bit vulnerable really - but I know I am safe and nothing can hurt me. I just feel a bit pathetic I guess. As I think about this, my stomach actually feels like it's churning around. So it's got a really visceral feel to it.
I've just thought about the Blog post I read the other day too - the one that Kizzie told us about here in OOTS - where Sweet Sixty wrote about her Medical experiences and how her heart rate raced and the staff worried for her about tachycardia - I read the Blog post and I related so much to what she wrote. I wanted to comment, but I felt over-whelmed by what she'd written. It really affected me, both myself and my little parts - I feel like I want to read more things she's written, so I will hope to do that. I remember back to seeing the Nurse - which I did recently, and how I ended up crying infront of her and my heart rate was very high. I felt small and pathetic and vulnerable then, so maybe that is reflecting the feelings I have today a bit too.
I have felt more grief feelings this weekend. It's felt very raw in many ways.
I've noticed that I am still noticing 'details' in TV programmes - things like wall-paper patterns that I remember from childhood and items in people's rooms that evoke memories from childhood - it's very small specific things - and it's like my inner parts are showing me, reminding me, and I am noticing.
I've got a real pain in the middle of my stomach now - as I'm writing this.
A new week starts tomorrow - and I will hope to focus on a few things. I need to give myself some structure I think. Find a path that feels comfortable to follow - and progress up it a bit. I want to summarise the next chapter of the Dissociation book, but I know that the first paragraph was a bit triggering - and had made me feel quite emotional, and therefore I am holding myself back - but I do intend to do it - hopefully tomorrow - so I'll try to do that.
I've made an agreement with my parts that we'll do things that we feel ok with - and try to work around any resistances we come across.
I'm glad I came here to write - because it has helped me to feel a bit better - I am feeling larger in my body - i.e. more consonant with the size of myself again. I really felt I'd shrunk and got trapped inside for a moment. I feel like things are better right at this moment. I am relieved.
Hope :)
Hope, I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better, maybe even a bit clearer on what's going on (?) after writing that. I have the impression you're working really hard atm. I'd just like to send :hug: :hug: Oh and congratulations on doing some de-cluttering :cheer:
Hey Hope,
You are doing some very hard work so please go easy on yourself.
I think it is very possible that you were in an EF when you started crying and couldn't stop. Sometimes when I have an EF with no particular cause, I question if I'm pushing myself too hard.
Your littles sound like they are trying to tell you something. Maybe it's to slow down a bit? Progress is still progress and I see yours all the time :hug:
Hi Blueberry - thank you so much - I appreciate your words very much. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - Thanks so much for your reply and I do think you're right that I am probably pushing myself too hard at the moment - and it also makes sense that my littles were perhaps concerned and would like me to slow down a bit. I am heeding that - and I am taking things slower. I'll delay my plans to summarise the next chapter of that book - and will give myself more processing time - and time to focus on things in the day that need my attention. Thank you! :hug:
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Journal Entry on 19th November 2018
Going to focus on pacing myself better - will give this some thought and make a plan.
Hope :)
Just want to say I get that same feeling of being small in my body sometimes. You're def not alone! It's like I am 9 again, and aware that I'm also grown and my body is the wrong size. Difficult to explain. Love and gentle safe :hug: for you!
i'm glad for your thoughts on pacing yourself, hope. i really think it's something a lot of us struggle with - i know i do. i've worn myself out so many times in my life, always pushing to do more, till i finally broke. then i came to a screeching halt, had to start over, and pacing was a major focus. i'd hate to see that happen to you.
sending love and hugs, sweetie.
Hope/
Although I am a bit out of the loop, being on vacation, I read through your recent posts and can empathize with feeling pathetic, small, and overwhelmed. You are doing a great job of keeping the thought that momentary feelings don't define the whole of you. Take care, and know that you are doing what you need to do.
Quote from: Three Roses on November 19, 2018, 01:37:30 PM
It's like I am 9 again, and aware that I'm also grown and my body is the wrong size. Difficult to explain.
Hi Three Roses - yes, that's exactly what it feels like - you're spot on, and you've explained it so well - thank you. When it's happened to me, I wonder if I'm somehow 'blending' with my younger self - at those moments - because it really feels like I 'see out of my younger self's eyes' at that point. Thank you for the hug, it is much appreciated. :hug: to you too.
Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much - I will definitely heed your words - and make pacing a major focus. I do worry sometimes that I push myself too much - beyond my coping abilities - and I need to heed that. :hug:
Hi Jdog - I very much appreciate you taking time to pop in here when you're on your vacation - thank you for your empathy - it is validating and helpful. I really appreciate it. Hope you're having a lovely vacation. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 20th November 2018
I thought I'd have something to say, and now I'm sitting here - contemplating what I want to say - there are no words. But I feel positive today - and that's a good thing.
Hope :)
Feeling positive, yay! :cheer: That's great. :hug:
:cheer: yay! Feeling positive is awesome! So happy to hear that!
Hi Blueberry & Sceal - thank you both :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 20th November 2018 - I'm back again - just wanted to reflect on a few things - going to let my mind wander and say what comes to mind - one of those things is I'm annoyed that they keep showing the Boots advert about Mothers - because I know they're trying to get people to buy gifts of Christmas, but it's annoying to see that particular advert - it's a bit like how I feel around Mother's Day - and the lack of that relationship is enhanced and it does hurt.
I also want to reflect on the kind of compartmentalised feeling I get about how I process emotions - literally feeling dissociated but also the irony that whilst I was attempting to process Chapter 3 of my Dissociation book this morning, that my partner (who knew what I was doing) was talking about putting honey on parsnips - and that felt quite ironic in many ways - but also made me laugh, and so I stopped what I was doing, and focused on some things I needed to do in the here and now. Also, I don't know why he mentioned parsnips or honey - as we're not planning to have either of those... which makes me wonder what's going on.
For some reason, I've just visualised 'as if' I'm in a glass lift where I can see lots of avenues to go down, but I don't know which one to go down, or which way to turn - so I wonder if that's the difficulty - I can 'see' quite a few avenues - but the fact there are so many, and I feel exposed by the glass of the lift- means I don't feel safe there - and I am 'stuck' and unable to move.
My NM once commented when I was in my late 20's - and the electricity had gone off - and therefore the TV had stopped working at that point, that I had 'no idea what to do now' - and her tone had been one of such deep vitriol and distaste for what she regarded as my gross ineptitude - she really made me feel small and useless. She had contempt in her voice when she said it. I had been visiting her for a vacation at the time, and experiencing the intense tension that comes with that. I am relieved that I don't put myself through those visits anymore - but the fact I am estranged from her, it doesn't help me to feel 'free' - I still feel bound up in a feeling of being 'held to ransome' somehow. There's still a big part of me that feels as if horrible retribution will happen as a result of my being so insolent to disobey and dare to have asserted myself.
Actually I think maybe I should write a letter not to send - but you know - I think I may say things I might regret. So I hold myself back a bit from that. But maybe I will. I'll see how I feel later.
I did have a part of myself that was 'drawing curtains' - in terms of experiencing them partitioning off walls and closing doors and closing curtains - this was a visual experience - and I noticed that when I tried to think of my past sexual experiences that I couldn't remember them - and I actually think that there is a part of me that habitually 'rubs out memories' - literally won't let me remember - even when I want to remember. This is frustrating, as it means I can't rely on my memories - and the memories I have are fragmented and actually out of the order I had assumed they should be in - I'm beginning to realise this as I try to piece together things - thereby whilst I'm finding some missing pieces of my puzzle, I'm not fitting them in to the right places necessarily. The resulting picture is blurred and I would like to see clearer.
My 'littles' are still watching TV with me, and bringing visuals to my attention from the surroundings in the programmes - things like wall-paper patterns in particular. I'm tempted to look for retro wall-papers to see if I can somehow bring any memories to light - but I'm also keen not to rush my littles - they need to go at their own pace - and I am keen to progress, but I'm keen to pace myself. This is a dilemma.
Anyway, it was good to write this. I feel calm, so that's good.
Hope :)
Hope-
I can relate to the lack of reliable memories, to wondering whether I can get the sequence correct, and I know that continues to happen even now when I am unable to remember which movies I have seen and my wife remembers so clearly. I know that the mind tries to protect us at times, but we do get to the point of being tired of being protected and just want to know something for sure, don't we?
Your day sounds interesting, and as though you did a ton of processing. Good work!
QuoteI actually think that there is a part of me that habitually 'rubs out memories' - literally won't let me remember - even when I want to remember.
I experience this, too. There is an impression, not quite a visible image but almost there, a short of librarian/manager person with glasses and a clipboard, and she's watchful in an unemotional way, not cold or distant but impartial. She "appears" in my imagination at times, sometimes I tell her to go away, sometimes I listen to her when she tries to stop me thinking about something.
Hi Jdog - I agree - I would like to be protected a little less sometimes, and be able to 'see more clearly' - but I guess we have to allow It to take the time it needs - and go with the flow of it. Yes, I did lots of processing the day before last - it was painful - and I felt very shaken for much of yesterday - but today - I feel better - and I like that feeling. I hope to hold onto it. Thanks for the validation and encouragement :hug:
Hi Three Roses - thank you so much for sharing your impression of the part that habitually rubs things out - and I also find it interesting how you interact with her - I literally have a vision of mine rubbing things out on a blackboard - so it seems extremely literal - and sometimes it's like she's drawing curtains and closing doors in a house/room - to 'hide' various things she doesn't want me to see. I haven't been able to catch a glimpse of her yet though - i.e. I haven't worked out what she looks like. Just that she is busy sometimes rubbing things out. Thanks Three Roses :hug:
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Journal Entry on 22nd November 2018
I did process a lot a couple of days ago, and it was physically painful in that my head hurt a lot, and I felt exhausted the next day. I also felt really vulnerable and as if I didn't know what to do with myself - at many points in the day. It was like a feeling of 'disquiet' throughout my body and my mind - like my 'littles' were scared and out of sorts with one another - it actually felt like we didn't have a home for a while - if that makes sense - even though within my reality of life - I do have a home.
I am also aware that Chapter 3 of the Dissociation book had a section that talked about 'Reenactments' and that I didn't understand that - or at least my parts wouldn't allow me to process and understand it - so I am thinking that before I can move on to read Chapter 4 - maybe I'll do a section or query in the forum about the subject of 'Reenactments' - and then maybe get some ideas on how it works and what it means. Because I feel like otherwise I'll just end up reading the next chapter and I won't be able to really get the gist of what Chapter 3 was about. I'm going to write myself a note - here - and will hope to come back later to do that.
Interesting that writing about that has already brought up some feelings of resistance - i.e. part of me is saying to me "Why have you committed to doing that?" "You're giving yourself homework" "We don't like homework".
I am also aware that I've been thinking about what Boy22 said, somewhere in his writings - about how people conform to 'scripts' and that he is going outside the scripts of some of his inners/parts - and then how that feels. I find that really helpful to consider that - and I have been considering how I fit into certain 'scripts' in relation to certain parts of me, and that others have very different scripts - and I think that altering my behaviour would enable me to test out what it would be like to be different - and maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Although I would imagine that different parts would be shocked, or surprised etc. I think I'd need to consider this carefully - to be sure that any changes I attempted were agreed to a certain degree - otherwise mutiny might happen.
I guess I think that there are huge parts of me that like to keep me within an arena that is controlled - because that is what my FOO imposed on me - i.e. living within tightly defined rules - and therefore to be 'free' - can I actually do that? As I still impose rules on myself - and feel guilty if I transgress certain unspoken rules etc.
I am just relieved today to feel better - also I dreamed last night that I was on a sailing boat and traversing some choppy waters but that I didn't feel afraid - it was like I was 'going somewhere' and it was potentially exciting. So that is interesting - as sometimes dreams I've had about boats in the past have involved being stuck in a pile of rubbish and paper on a boat, and feeling overwhelmed - or trying to pack up things to travel and never having sufficient space and not wanting to move on. So this is a more positive theme for a dream than I've had for a long while.
Hope :)
Hi hope,
The reenactment thing, I have identified reenactments with my therapist,
1. Example to explain the concept, I was never allowed to say no as a child, if I utterly refused to do something, I was "disowned " of sorts, love was removed and I was shamed a lot. in my marriage I ended up saying no to every request, it was like a test of love, I say no and want him to love me anyway, It got so bad my hubby had to ask the kids to ask me to do something, I just saw this as manipulation, but can see now that I was triggered every time he made a request, I'm learning to do what I think is right rather than react so badly to requests for help etc.
Hope that explains the concept ? I seem to reenact quite a bit, but working this out has helped enormously
Hi Wattlebird,
That is a really helpful explanation of the concept of re-enactments - thank you! I am going to attempt to write about it in the Chapter 3 section in Book Talk - so I'll pop over and do that now, whilst it's fresh in my mind. Thank you for sharing that example from your childhood - I am so sorry that you were 'disowned' and shamed a lot - that wasn't right. :hug: to you. I'm glad you've been able to see your re-enactments with your T and that you have been able to work on them in that way - it sounds really good.
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
It's Thanksgiving Day here in the states. I just wanted to pop in and say I'm thankful for you. The world has thrown you some tough stuff my friend. You are always pushing yourself and are stronger than you know. Your spirit always sees the glass as half full. You are kind and gentle and genuine. Much love to you honey. :hug:
Hope
I am thankful for you and your strength and amazing courage!
Hi Deep Blue & Jdog - Happy Thanks Giving to both of you. :hug: :hug: I am thankful for both of you. You are kind, you are true, and I appreciate you - both of you. Thank you.
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Journal Entry on 23rd November 2018
I have been for a walk today - out in the fresh air, and it was good for me. I was able to think about things and contemplate things, and I came to a few realisations - which is good, especially as the Chapters of the book I'm reading talk about 'Non-realisations' - so to make 'realisations' is progress. I am hoping to communicate some of the thoughts and feelings behind these - but right at this moment, I am going to focus on some things that I need to do that are more practical. But I just wanted to write here, and mention that I have been making more links and realising more things, and that feels positive.
Hope :)
Great job, Hope! Enjoy your day! :hug:
Thanks Jdog - I hope you're enjoying your day too. :)
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Journal Entry on 23rd November 2018
Back again, and I have to say I've not really progressed much with those practical things I wanted to do - I really haven't done very much today - I've ended up trying to sleep for part of the afternoon - but didn't manage to sleep - we had a disturbed night last night as my partner has a bad cold and cough, and he was struggling to sleep - and then I was kept awake too. But it could be worse - and at least he is feeling a bit better today. The weekend is nearly here too - so that will be a chance for him to recuperate, and I will try to look after him, as best I can. Luckily I don't seem to have caught his cold.
**TW Mentioning 'Death'
If I were to describe my emotion today - it would be quite 'flat' - and I ended up crying again when watching a TV drama - it's a UK based drama called 'Doctors' and it's had themes of death and that's been quite tough to watch - **end of TW
However, I think that each time I allow my emotions out in that way - it makes me feel a bit better in myself. I think I'm grieving a bit more - if that makes sense.
My plan for the weekend is to do quite a bit of housework - as things have got out of hand - there is a lot to do, and I need to do it. I will also try to get out for a walk - as it did me good to have one this morning. But the weather isn't great. Raining at the moment. Dark. Cold. Brrr....
I haven't done any 'Meditation Circles' with my 'parts/inners/littles' and I feel a bit guilty about that - especially as I know I've taken them through some challenging things - reading the chapters - which they are ok with, but I did feel some resistancest to processing things - and I am aware of that.
I've been starting to re-venture back to different parts of the forum - and read what other people have written, and also re-read things that I have written, and I am interested at how that feels - it's like I can process things again, and see things from a slightly different perspective - maybe not dissociating quite as much as I would have done previously - although it varies very much moment to moment.
As always, it helps to come here to my Journal - and I am glad I came here.
Hope :)
Hope-
I admire your thoroughness and complete dedication to the purposes you have set for yourself. Marvelous attention to detail, whether you are doing inner work and healing or the tasks we all must complete in our day to day lives in this world.
Sorry it's so cold and rainy there. I send you fresh air and sunshine from my (nearly finished) vacation on the central coast of California!
Hi Jdog - thank you so much - I can imagine that lovely fresh air and sunshine from California - and thank you for sharing some of that with me. You were very kind with what you said, and I very much appreciate it. I hope you have a safe journey home again, and that many lovely memories from your vacation will stay with you.
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Journal Entry on 25th November 2018
My partner seems to be improving with his bad cold, and is coughing less at night - so we've slept better. That's great. I have managed to get a few things done this weekend - which is good - because I can put things off - and thankfully that didn't happen too much - I did things. I feel good about that.
Yesterday I was re-reading some E-mails from my M - which had been sent during the time of low contact we had had - and I felt stronger to read them this time, they didn't impact so much on my emotions as they had when I had first received them and read them. So that's a change. I had quite a few thoughts go through my head, and I am still processing many of them. I am hoping to do some 'letters not to send' to communicate those feelings and thoughts to FOO - because I think that will help me to get those thoughts and feelings 'out' in a safe way.
I have been considering whether to try to make contact with some parts of my FOO whom I've never communicated with - I have some relatives I've never seen since I was 2 years old - I don't know them, they don't know me - I think they are estranged from my FOO (parents) - but I could contact them and maybe find out something about their perspective on our FOO - but I don't know whether I'm brave enough to venture and make the contact - so far it is just a potential. I did send a message on Facebook about 4 years back, but didn't receive a reply at all. But I couldn't be sure if the person received it - I could try again. I don't know.
Anyway, those are things I'm considering at the moment.
Hope :)
You're making so much progress! :cheer: I'm so impressed at the way you're able to keep going step by step without a T. I know you sometimes put things off (me too) but you get back up and on your way, with new ideas on moving forwards. I'm not so sure I'd get moving again sometimes if I didn't have a T in the background to run things by and then he helps me to see an altered way forwards. You're doing all this on your own :applause: :hug:
So very glad to be reading of your progress, thank you for sharing it with us here at the forum. I think you are being brave rereading those emails and for considering reaching out. There's no hurry, take the time you need.
Hi Blueberry & Sceal - thank you both. I appreciate your comments very much. :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 26th November 2018
I have had quite a challenging few hours - mainly because last night I ended up being 'joined' in my night time slumber by another 'part' of me, and some realisations became apparent - which I think have made me feel quite uncomfortable in many respects - basically I got in touch with a part of me that I think is aged as a teenager - maybe between 16 to 18 years old - but I'm not sure - but she feels as if she is quite dislikable and that she would push friends away - leaving me lonely - but I think she does that to protect me - I could really feel her emotions - I do recognise she is part of me - I could also see some repetitive patterns of behaviour that can happen in my interactions with people - and how I can sometimes end up turning away from my friends 'in real life' - because I don't want to be hurt by being too close to them. I shared some of these thoughts with my partner today - and he confirmed that he thinks that I do that - i.e. he said I am sometimes prickly with his relatives - and that I might push them away - rather than get closer to them - and I said to him I recognise that - and I am trying to temper this and hopefully cope better with the balance of asserting my own needs whilst being social etc. It's so tough though, as I depends which part of me is more active in any interaction, and it also depends on what they say or do - and whether that triggers me or not.
Anyway, I also felt that the fact my FOO disrupted so much of my childhood by geographical changes - and disrupting my friendships, it meant that I couldn't afford to get close to anyone - I can't cope with transitions - I hate 'Good byes' to the extent I couldn't have said that in the past - but I have written it now - I feel I am managing to face some areas that felt a bit phobic before.
I feel like I'm grieving - I feel very sad - these realisations that I've been having in the past few days - they feel more 'real' than they have done previously. I feel like I've connected to that teenage part of myself - she is showing me how she felt - and I am shocked by it, as I had been protected from those feelings be a veneer of sugary-ness previously - it was like the fog was thick and I just couldn't see or feel it - but I do see and feel some of it now - and it's upsetting.
However, at the same time, I can 'feel' more things - rather than being numb and dissociated to it all. I do think that's a good thing.
I am recognising that sometimes I can sabotage situations and make things worse for myself than they need to be. I am going to try to be more mindful of this, and hold back and be more sensitive both to the needs of others but also myself - and try to strike a better balance between these things.
Regarding whether to try to contact FOO members that I've not known in my life - I wonder if it's a good idea - because I also realise that I feel 'responsible' for other people's feelings - and I don't want to end up disrupting their lives by making contact - as I don't want to hurt them in anyway. Yet that very realisation that "I feel responsible" - it's very tough - why should I be responsible? Yet I feel that I am.
These are things that are hard to tolerate and hold - but I am going to keep noticing them - rather than trying to push them aside or cover them up. They feel like the uglier side of my life - the side I tried to hide - the side that my FOO covered up and kept secret - but actually - covering things up and keeping them secret like that - it doesn't help anyone. Better to let the wounds breathe so they can hopefully heal. That's my hope in this.
I think I am beginning to realise that I am wounded, but that I can heal - if I take care to look and see where it hurts, and think about why it hurts - and who is responsible. It doesn't all fall on my shoulders - but I do need to take responsibility for what I can change - I feel like I'm losing track of my thoughts now - so I'll stop there.
Hope :)
QuoteI think I am beginning to realise that I am wounded, but that I can heal - if I take care to look and see where it hurts, and think about why it hurts - and who is responsible.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Thanks so much, Three Roses. :-) :hug:
Journal Entry on 27th November 2018
Well - I messaged a FOO member (that I've never communicated with before) and told him that I am a relative of his, and that I'd like to understand more about my FOO - I had previously contacted his brother - but that person hadn't got back to me, and I couldn't be sure if he even saw my message - I sent it a couple of years or so back - and I explained this to his brother, and said I would like to hear from him, if possible. So I'll see if anything comes of that. I feel ok about it - so far. I figured it would be helpful to try to get some information about the relatives - there are masses of estrangement issues in my FOO - so I hope to find out some of the reasons - things that FOO haven't told me, and have hidden from me. Another step in the detective saga really - but I think it's worth doing - and I am doing it...
Regarding how I feel today - quite 'unsettled' in many respects - like I've done something wrong and will be punished for it. But I am sticking to my resolve that I have a right to question things, and to look into things - and so that's what I'm doing.
I have been dissociating quite a bit lately - but I can recognise when I'm doing it more now - and I am trying to change it - so I can be more present. I think I was dreaming again last night, but I can't recall the content at all, just had that feeling that I had been caught up in something.
I'm taking a break for a couple of days from reading the Dissociation book - mainly because I have needed energy to focus on things in my daily life - and needed some respite from processing heavier things - I might try to do one chapter a week - but I don't want to set myself any kind of timetable - as I'll probably rebel against it - if I do that. Strange but true.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 28th November 2018
I have something social to go to today - I am feeling a bit apprehensive, but I'll see how it goes.
Hope :)
Hey Hope,
You have been working so hard. I think taking a break from the dissociation book for a few days is needed.
Try to enjoy your social something :bigwink:
Hope-
Contacting your relative took tremendous courage. Congratulations. However it turns out, know that you have tried to reconnect and choices made by others are just that - their choices.
I hope your break from the book leaves you feeling more relaxed.
Hi Deep Blue - thank you - and I did enjoy my social something. ;D I really did, and I am glad. :hug: to you.
Hi Jdog - thank you - I checked back to see when I had contacted the first person - it was actually 3 years ago, and I checked today to see if there was any reply - nothing. I have sent 'friend requests' to both of them today - because I am just not sure if a message on FB sits there unopened if there isn't also a facebook friend request - I wonder about it - I don't really know how it works. But anyway, I am not sure what to expect from this, and maybe nothing will happen, but at least I have tried to make contact. I have felt scared about it - and parts of me have not liked the fact I did it, but overall - and especially right at this moment - I feel ok about it. Thank you for your encouragement and validation - it means a lot :hug:
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Journal Entry on 28th November 2018
I do feel a bit more relaxed this evening - I am relieved that the social thing went better than I thought it would - and I have made some arrangements for next week too - to be more social. I want to write about some 'realisations' I've had recently - but I am keen not to disturb this more peaceful feeling I have right now - so I will hope to do so later in the week - and for now, I am intending to just enjoy the feeling of calm that seems to be with me right now. I like it.
Hope :)
:woohoo:
Hi Jdog,
I love that 'WooHoo' it made me smile. Thank you :)
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Journal Entry on 29th November 2018
***Potential TW mentioning 'swearing' in a generic sense - not specific ***
So, last night I think another 'part' of me joined me whilst I was in bed again and seemed to be a bit cheekier than normal in that I laughed at my partner trying to get comfortable, and made some slightly sarcastic comments - but hopefully not in a horrible way - it was more in a jesting way - but I don't normally do that - and I think he was taken aback a bit. I don't know what that was about - but I literally felt like a more teenage part of me was there - and she was messing about a bit. There had been a more horrible part just prior which had been shouting and wanting calm and peace - i.e. really swearing and shouting, but thankfully the 'jesting' 'sarcastic' side came out shortly after - because if the first option had stayed, then my reaction to my partner might have been less pleasant - and I would never wish to shout at him or upset him. (end of TW***)
But what this tells me is that there are layers there - my parts express themselves in 'layers' it seems - maybe one closely followed by another - if that makes sense. I don't know. But it's very interesting to observe this in myself and to take heed of it.
I wanted to talk more of 'realisations' I've had - so I will try to note a few more of these today - although right at this moment, I'm not really sure what I'm going to actually say... But here goes:
I think I've realised that my childhood wasn't the peaceful happy one - which I attempted to hold onto in my dissociated and fragmented remembering of it - in many ways I am amazed by how I got through everything that went on - because I do realise that there were lots of difficult and challenging things to find my way through - and I didn't feel I had any support to do that. Although I am also beginning to recognise that there were people along the way who did help me - and I hope to write more about them at some point. But the ones who should have supported me (i.e. my FOO parents) - they basically met their needs 'through' me, rather than giving me the care and attnention that was healthy and needed. I didn't get what I needed from them. I feel I fed their needs - rather than the other way around. That's not healthy.
I've realised that my memory will literally 'rub things out' if it's not something that I can tolerate at the time - whether through not being able to attend at the time, or whether it's due to being dissociated etc. But, those memories are still there - because I do get some flashes of them which come back - and there are times when I can remember - and then again, I can forget - it's like a slippery thing - hard to get hold of, but I can 'see' it.
I've realised that I can be very resilient and have been resilient over the years - but that very often I don't feel as if I have any strength at all - I feel passive and unable to cope - yet I know objectively that I've coped with lots of things - so it's a strange contrast.
I've realised that part of me has painted a picture of things being 'perfect' and yet that veneer of perfection hides many flaws and falacies - and I am beginning to embrace the things that are underneath - and explore them, and find out what is there.
I've realised that I have tended to look always for the good side of people, and that I've been unable therefore to see the dangers so much. This makes me feel quite gullible really - but it's like being dissociated has given me a sense that things are not as bad as they actually are - but when I can 'see' and in those moments when I truely feel what lies beneath the dissociation - then it hurts -- and it hurts a lot.
I am recognising that the different parts of me have conflicting needs and wants and desires - but - they are within me, and we must work together - and once I can work out a way to enable this, then some of the things that I find they hold me back from - i.e. especially a lot of current procrastination - then I can find a way through that, and hopefully achieve things again. I did achieve a lot in my life - in my working career - but readjusting now to life without my work - I need to explore a new direction - and I am beginning to consider ways to change that - and hopefully get back to a healthier equilibrium.
My inner critic is having a go at me, as I write this - telling me that I am writing drivel - but I am going to just continue on - writing - and hope that it makes sense - it does to me.
I've just remembered some thoughts I was having - that I want to write about in another section of the forum, so I hope to come back later and do that.
Hope :)
Your doing some big time reflecting and realisations, that's hard work, your doing so well, ignore that critic, it's not drivel at all, maybe your teen part is feeling more confident ? Or maybe your more tuned into what's happening ? Sounds like she didn't cause any problems though so that's good, keep up the good work
Hello Hope,
I'm a bit low on words right now. But I wanted to let you know I read your post and it seems to me you are becoming more and more aware of yourself and have a good self insight.
I also want to offer you a hug :hug:, If it is okay today
hey, hope,
again, your speaking of your inner parts has me thinking/feeling about my own that i'm just beginning to recognize. thanks for sharing so personally and in such detail. i'm only now realizing that i have inner parts, too, and am watching them as they make themselves known.
by the by, not drivel at all. it's been an eye-opener for me, and i appreciate your writing it down. love and hugs, sweetie.
Sending you a big :hug:
Hey Hope,
Just sending you some support and love! :hug:
Hi Wattlebird - thank you - I do wonder if my teenage part is feeling more confident to have acted as she did - and I have to say that being more aware of her - it's very interesting to listen to her and feel her thoughts and feelings about things - I feel her 'with' me - but not all the time. Thanks for your encouragement and validation - It means a lot.
Hi Sceal - I really appreciate the fact you came by even when you were low on words - and I love the hug - thank you so much - sending one back to you :hug: if that's ok.
Hi SanMagic - I am very happy that you are getting in touch with your inner parts - and that you are awakening to one another - that's how it feels to me (not sure if it feels the same way to you or different), but the great thing is that in whatever way they make themselves known, it's a form of communication, and I really like that. I can't feel alone with this - there is always company, if that makes sense. Love and hugs to you too. :)
Hi Jdog - I love that big hug, and sending one back to you too :hug: Thank you!
Hi Deep Blue - I appreciate you popping over and sending me some support and love - and a lovely hug too - thank you - and here's one for you too :hug:
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Journal Entry on 1st December 2018
I had to take some time out the past couple of days - just to try to focus on things - reflect and not put any pressure on myself to do anything specific, and I think that was a helpful thing. The weekend is a bit more busy for me - because there are quite a few things I feel I need to do - that are social things - and therefore stressful - but at the same time, I'm trying to cope differently with them - and trying to welcome the challenges rather than perhaps avoid them. I can be a bit avoidant - because of struggling with social things - but I think it's important for me to face things more.
I haven't had any reply from the FB contact I tried - and no way of knowing if that is because they haven't seen the invites or messages - or whether they choose not to respond. But maybe they need a bit of time. I also think that if there is no contact, that's ok too - because at least I tried to reach out and make contact - there's only so much a person can do.
I think there's a film called 'Mrs Wilson' which is about secrets that a woman with that name had - and which she kept from her family for many years - but finally shared her Memoirs with them - and they discovered there were family members they hadn't known about - as her husband had had relationships outside marriage and basically had other families with them - so I realise that there can be so many complicating things in FOO's. The little that I have managed to find out - I realise that my own FOO is also quite complex- and there are some 'secrets' beyond what they didn't tell me - and maybe there are things that even they didn't know. I don't know. Whether it means that I would feel differently if I discovered things or not - I don't know. I need to focus on the things I can deal with currently, in the here and now.
My dreams have been focused on 'packing' and 'unpacking' - as if I have to leave and go somewhere - but the themes are better than previously - where there wouldn't be any time, or time would be lacking - somehow there seems to be 'more time' and it's less rushed. So I think that's good. I have literally made so many geographical moves throughout my childhood and also in my adult life - but I hope that I will stay where I live currently for a long time - that's my hope, and there's no reason why I should move. So that feels good.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 2nd December 2018
I'm negotiating my way through the weekend, and so far so good. I woke last night, in the middle of the night, and I felt there was another 'part' of me present at that moment, because I felt intense anxiety, and concern and angst - all those emotions being felt very strongly - and I felt intense guilt too - and feeling like I'd been so bad to break away from FOO - and dare to break free - and that I was a very bad person for doing that - that was how it felt - it was such a powerful feeling - and horrible to feel it. Thankfully I was able to get back to sleep, and in the morning, I was relieved that I didn't carry those feelings anymore - and that part of me had gone - but I think it represented a part of me that is desperate to do what she thinks is 'the right thing' - and that was why I complied for so many years and tried to make my FOO (parents) love me, because essentially I realise I didn't feel love or protection from them, only a sense of being controlled and treading gently around them, as if on egg-shells - scared of breaking any delicate egg shells and causing what I perceived would be something terrible to happen.
In the light of day, I realise that nothing bad has happened, and I am living my life.
I need to do quite a bit of preparation this afternoon as we have relatives of my partner coming around - and so I am going to do my best to cope with this - they are good people, and they are kind people, and so it should be fine. But I know there are parts of me that are a bit scared about it all - and who put up barriers - as they don't want me to get hurt. I recognise this, but I'm trying to tell them - "It will hopefully be ok" "We can cope".
Hope :)
Hope -
Great job both getting through the anxiety and finding a path forward. I so well know the feeling of walking on eggshells, as that is how it was much of the time around my Father. In my case, the simple truth is that he never wanted to have the responsibilities being a father entails. When people simply cannot do a job they are required to do, the results are inevitably poor. But you seem to continue to be able to form attachments, such as to your partner and his relatives. That says a lot about your own "grit" and determination.
I sense such a sweetness inside of you, and it makes me smile. And yes, you really are living your life right now, in real time. Yay!
Hi Jdog, :bighug: to you - I appreciate everything you said there - thank you so much. :)
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Journal Entry on 3rd December 2018
Whilst I found yesterday very tiring, in terms of tidying up, cleaning, and preparing for my partner's family coming over - I enjoyed their company - and it was good. I continue to be very tired today - as I slept quite badly last night, and once again - in the middle of the night, I was faced with the unhappy parts of myself - but it was different - in that instead of feeling blended with them and their experience, I was more curious about it - and felt less blended - which is what the book has mentioned being a positive thing to relate to them - I think that's what it meant - but anyway, that was what I experienced, and somehow it felt easier to cope with - and I was able to fall back to sleep again.
I know that my partner was also having difficulty sleeping, and today he told me that he'd had a dream where we had had a big fall-out/argument and I'd thrown some water over him! I was surprised to hear that - it worried me that his dream-state was such that he was imagining that we were arguing and that I would do that to him - pour water over him - I wouldn't do that, and I also would avoid having an argument - I'd prefer to talk about things - and also - I'm not aware that we have any issues to argue about - so whilst I recognise I was a bit surprised, I am just putting it into the perspective that he was struggling to sleep and that brings things to mind in sleep - doesn't make it true - just that it happens.
I started to read Chapter 4 of the Dissociation book today - I might write a few notes about it in the 'Book Talk' tomorrow - but I thought I'd just re-read today - and think about what it said. So that's what I'm doing. I only read a couple of pages of the chapter. It was sufficient to be going on with.
I was thinking about getting some books that are easier to read - and I remember that Blueberry talked once about enjoying reading Children's Books, and I think I'd like to get one - so I will have a think about which one to read - I am hardly ever able to read a fiction book through - because I just find it too difficult to stay in the moment of reading the book - and I get really distracted and never finish things. I can read non-fiction self-help books, but not fiction ones. But I hope to find a book to try to read and to enjoy. I will go to the library to find one.
Hope :)
I have a secret love of teenage fantasy novels, maybe it's my teen parts, haven't tryed any younger ones but I think it's a great idea, I also thought watching the movies I loved at that age would be a thing to try, not sure how that will go. I'm glad your get together went well, well done in your progress with your parts as well.
So glad you enjoyed having company over! :)
One of my favorite childrens book is written by a swedish author called Astrid Lindgren, the book is called Ronja Robber's daugther. It's a small book, not very long.
Hi Wattlebird - I like your ideas - about re-watching the movies you watched at particular ages - and I also appreciate the mention of your secret love of teenage fantasy novels - infact you saying that - you've made me think that I have always had a difficulty in thinking of 'fantasy things' - it's like I am a bit afraid of them - but really - what's so worrying about a fantasy tale - (as I find it a bit disconcerting) - but perhaps it's because I desperately feel (in some parts of me) that I need to keep within the realms of reality and not fantasy - as I can't control what happens - but the irony of this is that in my 'real life' I couldn't control anything - or didn't feel as if I could. I will have a look at a teenage fantasy novel - have you got any particular author in mind as a really good writer of them? Or a particular story I should look out for?
Hi Sceal - Thank you so much for mentioning the name of your favourite children's book - I will look out for it - I am already excited by all the great suggestions from people here - I wrote a post in another part of the forum to ask for some ideas for Children's books - and there were several really helpful replies and suggestions - and I am already looking forward to going to the library - most likely on Friday - to get some books.
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Journal Entry on 4th December 2018
I used to have a massage quite regularly during my working life - as I could afford it and would have one often - and it was helpful to me in terms of becoming comfortable with touch etc - and therefore was helpful over the years - anyway, I've not had one for about 6 months, and I went to have one this morning - as I got a really reasonable price - and decided to treat myself. I realised I was quite 'tight' in my body - probably because I hadn't had a massage for so long - but I also think that the process of having one re-awakened quite a few parts of me, and I felt extra vulnerable today - more tearful and reactive to things.
Whilst I was having that massage, I remembered that I had tried a therapy called Emotional Freedom Technique (might have got that wrong - but the shortened form is EFT technique) and it was done by a friend of mine when I was in my mid 30's (age wise) and I had about 5 sessions with her of EFT - it involved my indicating with my hand movements whether I replied 'yes' or 'no' to something, and my friend would then ask me questions - and she had asked if I needed to relax and whether I'd like to try massage as a way to do so - and I had answered 'yes' to both questions. That was when I had started to have regular massage sessions, and I had found it very helpful.
But what also happened around the same time was that my body had ended up 'erupting' with a massage case of rashes everywhere - and when I saw the doctor about it - the doctor didn't know what could have caused it - or indeed what to make of it - or at least she had appeared quite perplexed and had asked her colleague (another doctor) to come into the room to check out my rashes - and give their opinion.
But it makes me think that maybe when I had those sessions - that my friend was actually making contact with my pre-verbal parts - or much younger parts of me. Maybe that had caused my inner body to react and expel all that angst in the form of my body rashes. But then I think that I know that my M had unexplained rashes - and that she had consulted with her doctor at the time and he had told her she had a case of 'arsenic poisoning' - and my sister told me that she had had unexplained rashes all over her body when she was about 10 years old - but this was understandable (I think) as she was told around that time that she wasn't the daughter of the people she thought had brought her up (our Grandparents) but was infact the daughter of our FOO (parents). I think this came as a massive shock to her - understandably so. She said she'd ended up with a rash, then a fever and then in a coma for about 3 days - and then our Grandmother had told her that she had 'changed' when she came around - but that made my sister think she had come into contact with extra-terrestrial powers and her world view was changed from that point onwards.
My friend who did the EFT therapy has moved to Australia now - and I've lost contact with her, otherwise I'd ask her about it. I 'think' it was EFT - she combined some 'tapping' and also the thing where she asked me to move my hands in resistance to hers and asked me questions.
I can see that I'm wondering about quite a few strands of thought here, and I'm surprised to see myself sharing these bits of info here- because it makes me think that I can be identified by what I've written - but that would only be if FOO read this - and I'm pretty sure they'd not find this place. Even if they did - haven't I got the right to talk about things - to share things. I think I do.
I've ended up comfort eating quite a bit today - and that bothers me - because I don't want to gain any more weight. I can see that I am eating for comfort - because of the massage today - and the thoughts I've had - and all the things I'm processing. I think comfort eating serves to numb things - and I must try to look for aonther way to cope - and I will do so, as I don't want to end up gaining too much weight - especially at this time of year. So many pieces of cake and biscuits and stuff around.
I enjoyed that massage though - it was relaxing.
Hope :)
OK, so I'm here again, because I've re-read what I wrote earlier - and I know my Journal title is 'Befriending my Parts' and now I'm getting to know them better - I am hearing more from them, and as some of them re-read what I wrote, there were various reactions, and I want to include them - just to remember this process whilst it is fresh in my mind:
In no particular order, I'll try to encapsulate some of the thoughts, as I don't know which parts are thinking what - or whether it is just me as a whole reacting, but here are some thoughts:
As I read back over what I wrote, I think to myself "Look how dum-de-dum-de-dum this sounds - as if you're telling a little fairytale" - as if you don't really care about any of this stuff - but I know you DO care."
Another parts says "You can't remember events - you're getting your facts wrong - you shouldn't write about this stuff if you can't get it right - you even made a typo where you said "massage of rashes" - when you meant to say 'masses of rashes' - you shouldn't make mistakes like that!"
Another part says "Did this really happen when you were in your mid 30's - or was it 10 years later? Was it EFT therapy - or have you just forgotten what it was. How bad was it that you allowed a 'friend' to 'do therapy' with you - I know she was trained, but shouldn't you have boundaries that you wouldn't see a 'friend' for therapy?
Another bit says in response to that "But I'm glad I DID see her, as she did help me."
Then I think about the horrible way my sister was told about her parentage and how badly she reacted to that - and I also think that my Grand-mother's apparent surprise and saying to her 'You've changed' - 'You're different' - that sounds so pathetic and lacking in understanding about the fact that telling a young girl (aged 10) such a thing, and keeping it secret from her up till then - that's not right. Of course she 'changed' - I would imagine she was so traumatised by that.
This makes me think - but maybe they 'did their best' - they didn't understand how to handle things in that time - they had come through Wars - had vastly different experiences back then, it was different times.
Another part of me says 'You shouldn't write about this stuff - it's too personal' 'Something bad will happen'
The adult part of me says back "No, it's ok - I can talk about these things - it's ok - nothing bad will happen."
But many parts of me can't quite believe that.
Another thought comes to light - and says "You could try to find that friend who moved to Australia and talk to her" - but then other parts say "But she didn't know anything about your past - you didn't tell her anything - she had no idea of your past when she saw you for the therapy - she was practising on you really - for her experience - (again, not very boundaried - she probably shouldn't have done that! ) --- but I'm glad she did.
Another part of me wonders - how did your M get 'arsenic poisoning' - was it from rice? She used to like eating rice. Maybe it was that, but then an impish part of me thinks - maybe someone tried to poison her. I am shocked to think that - but it's a thought that is there.
For some reason - I feel the need to let all of this out right now - I am not going to amend anything - that's a rule I'm giving myself - I'll just write it - then I can see what I wrote when I look back another time.
I'm thinking "People will think you're mad" - but another part says "No, they won't - they will understand these things."
I feel like I'm being very annoying - just in 'being here' - that's a horrible feeling.
I know that there are a few other factors that have affected me this week - things I've not written about - I might write about them - I need to go now as my partner has just asked me to come and have a cup of tea.
So I'm going to do that.
Hope :)
You are far from annoying! I'm glad you're here and I like what you write. I don't always remark on your posts but I usually get something out of them, food for thought.
What you've described here is exactly what I experience, too.
I'm enormously glad you wrote about your parts reactions to your writing, as last night I was what felt like conversing with different parts and was then overwhelmed with a conviction I was crazy doing this stuff haveing big internal discussions with my parts, I have to keep grounding myself with this site and the dissociation book, your posts help me, I need to see what part thinks this is "crazy people stuff" and reassure myself.
This part is now telling me don't write that, they'll see your crazy, :doh:
Hi Three Roses - thank you so much for saying that. I am also feeling very validated by the fact that you experience similar things - it really helps to know that. Thank you. :)
Hi Wattlebird - I really appreciate what you wrote here - thank you - and knowing that our experiences regarding how the parts communicate is so similar - that is incredibly validating - and makes me better able to challenge that part of me that worries incase I appear a bit 'crazy' - and I very much hope you're similarly able to reassure yourself that you're fine. I am also very much using tools like the self-help books, some u-tube stuff, and mainly this forum to remain grounded and it all really helps.
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Journal Entry on 5th December 2018
I have already been in tears today worrying about a social occasion I have to attend this evening - I realise it's been an EF - because it has passed now, and I do feel a bit better - and I'm trying to rationalise everything and tell myself that I should be fine - and that hopefully I'll cope with tonight. But there are various parts of me that are in a quandry about whether we will cope - and I keep wishing I could 'get out of it' - but I know it would be disappointing to my partner if I backed out of it - and then he would probably feel he wouldn't want to go either - and essentially I'm going for his sake - as it's his friends - and I don't want to appear like a weirdo - but I feel as if I am. I feel socially phobic just now. Like it's high on my anxiety threshold and I can't cope - I want to back out.
But, I am going to try to cope - and will try to go. I'm trying to think of it in terms of 'What's the worst thing that can happen?' - and essentially the reality of it should be that it should hopefully be fine.
:aaauuugh: - better out than in - that feels better... Laughing now. ??? Just flexing those emoticons - because I can. :)
I feel a bit better, as I did talk to my partner about my anxieties - he was very helpful and understanding - and hopefully we'll get through this - and I'll manage to go and might even enjoy it. I'll see how it goes.
I hope to be able to report back here tomorrow - and share how it was. Thanks for listening. Just knowing I can write this here - it's helpful.
Hope :)
good for you, hope, for talking to him about how you're feeling. i really think it's great that you're letting him in more and more - he sounds very supportive.
i've gone thru several of these episodes over the years, so i totally know where you're coming from. too many times i couldn't go because i was sick or it was just too much for me (especially in mex. when it was too hot). usually my hub went anyway (this was mostly funerals - they do all-nighters there for the wake, and during the summer it was often 100 degrees throughout the nite. but they're a sort of social occasion with expectations for the family/friends to attend.
but, other soc. occasions as well. so, i get it. with the two of you knowing about your anxiety, i hope it goes a lot more smoothly than you originally thought. best to you, and i hope you can enjoy some of it. love and a big hug, sweetie.
Sending :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: because it seems you're both working on things a lot atm and having a difficult day today.
Hi SanMagic - thank you - my partner is incredibly supportive and he's the first partner I've had in my life who I could be completely open with about my past and my thoughts and my feelings, and I am sure that I wouldn't be able to face doing this processing unless I had that stability in my life - I am so thankful that I met him and that we can enjoy life together.
SanMagic - thank you so much for sharing your experiences of feeling socially anxious and avoiding things sometimes - it sounds especially tough in the heat of Mexico - and the cultural expectations of the long funerals and the wake going through the night. I think you were sensible to protect yourself by not going - it would have been tough to endure such a long time with so many expectations. Thanks for the love and big hug - and sending them back to you in equal measure. :hug:
Hi Blueberry - Thank you so much for those hugs - and for what you said - I really appreciate it - I felt like you were all at my side during my evening - and it made me feel stronger. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 6th December 2018
I was really surprised by how things turned out - after all the anxiety I had felt during the day, and the fact that I would have avoided the situation altogether if it hadn't been that I wanted to support my partner - and yet, when I got there - it was better than I thought. Not only that, I ended up having a very personal chat with the wife of my partner's friend - and we shared a lot of personal things about our lives - and I found she had some things in common with me - and she didn't judge me - in her reactions to me - and I was able to talk aloud about some personal things - without breaking down in tears - I was able to keep it together - but also talk about things.
I think this affected my sleep - because my partner told me I had become incredibly 'clammy' during the night - but I don't recall any unsettling dreams or anything untoward. I felt more vulnerable this morning, and I still feel that vulnerability - but the interesting thing is that I feel as if I coat of armour has been 'peeled off' and discarded, and that I 'don't actually need that armour' - if that makes sense. Like I thought something really terrible would happen if I spoke about personal things out loud to another person outside my FOC - (family of choice) - about my FOO (family of origin) - but having done so - it was actually ok. This is a revelation and a big step for me.
I felt that I needed to 'speak the truth' - mainly because I knew that my partner had told his friend certain things about me - and so I thought that it was likely that his friend's wife would therefore also know some things - as I presume couples talk to each other - and so when she asked me some personal question about family - I thought - 'I need to be honest here' and so I was. The fact she then shared personal things about herself, which showed how much she could empathise and understand my own situation - it was honestly so refreshing and felt good.
Normally my partner meets his friend on their own - as male buddies - but having had the meal last night together - they already spoke of wanting to do something else as a 'four' - I replied 'I don't mind' - and I think it would be ok - so this is a step towards maybe doing something social with a larger group than I'm comfortable with.
I realise this may sound very phobic of me - because basically I usually only manage to cope on a one-to-one basis in my social life - so that means either going out with my partner - or going out with a single friend - so that I cope with that dynamic - one on one. The thought of parties, work do's (things of the past for me now that I no longer work), and 'foursomes' even - that has been too challenging for me up till now. I have avoided them.
But maybe I'll try to build on this new found confidence - and try it again. I feel 'braver' today - at this moment - I just hope I don't regret having been so open - as that is a trusting thing to have done - but I do trust the person I opened up to - she's a nice person, I can tell that from talking to her.
I do feel tired though - I think it took a lot out of me - energy wise. So I'm going to try to get my energy back - and I'm looking forward to my trip to the library tomorrow - to look for some books - so many great suggestions from people here - thank you for those.
Having your support alongside me last night, it really helped me a lot. :grouphug:
Hope :)
Sounds like you've taken a major step in your recovery no wonder your feeling vulnerable and tired, well done hope, for some reason I'm feeling very proud of you, sorry don't mean to offend but I don't understand my feelings and I'm only just learning to recognise them and so it takes me a while to work out what's going on, I think they need an emoji with an eye roll, I'd put it here. :wave:
Anyway well done :cheer:
Hi Wattlebird,
Just to say I really appreciate your saying that you feel proud of me - I am not offended at all - I am happy you said that. It means a lot. I also appreciate the cheer :cheer:
I am taking it easy today - and I haven't caught up on anyone else's Journals or other things in the forum, but I hope to do so once I feel a bit more energy. The 'vulnerable' feeling is waxing and waning so far today - going between feeling comfortable with my disclosure last night - to then feeling panicked - but mainly feeling ok about it so that's a good balance...
Thanks again.
Hope :)
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: from me too. Sounds like a well-earned day of rest today after so much hard work. :hug:
Thanks Blueberry - I still feel very tired - it's taken a lot of energy out of me - this past few days. :hug:
*******
Later on 6th December 2018
The person in whom I confided yesterday - she's sent me an invite on FB to be a 'friend' and I accepted - and then saw that she had way over 400 FB friends and that she has some very active social photos - i.e. showing her enjoying parties etc - and it really panicked me - as I am so different from that - but I am reminding myself that I don't need to suddenly become a friend of hers - and can stick to being someone who meets up now and then - her with her husband, and me and my partner - that I can say 'no' to anything I don't wish to be part of. I needed to remind myself of this, as somehow my parts have panicked and been thrown into an activated heap as a result of my looking at her FB page. Also, I think it's because she has children who are in their 20's, and therefore many of the photos showing the parties could be down to mixtures of those children and their various friends.
I guess I'm just worried that I opened up - and told her personal things - and it was very personal, and now I'm just worried - worried about saying too much to someone whom essentially I don't know very well at all. But I did go by my gut instinct when I spoke with her, and it felt ok. Maybe I've just been triggered just now - and I'm reacting to that. I will try to calm and ground myself, but I thought I'd come and write about it - and the intensity of the reaction. I also have a big desire to eat lots of bad things - but I'm trying not to do that. I realise it's a comfort eating thing.
I haven't had any replies from the relatives I had tried to contact - nothing at all. I feel ok about that - because at least I tried to contact them - and they could then decide whether to reply or not. I can't be sure if they saw my messages - but I did try.
Strangely I feel much better for having written about my reaction to the FB friend request - and I am amazed at how much calmer I feel already - my emotions seem so up and down and changeable sometimes. It amazes me how they come and go like that - so strong and intense one moment and then just 'gone' - 'gone away' - at least I feel calmer now. I prefer that feeling. Or is it that at this moment I 'don't feel' anything, and I'm more used to that feeling? I don't know.
I fell asleep after my meal - I was dozing infront of the TV - I was so tired. I think I will sleep well tonight.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 7th December 2018
Thankfully I've woken up today and feel as if I have a better perspective on things - in that I feel ok about disclosing personal things to the wife of my partner's friend, and although I was quite anxious about seeing her FB pages - where I could see she appears as if she can cope with big parties etc - I realise that what people portray on FB doesn't always express how they feel as individuals - yes, someone could be surrounded by people and appear to be enjoying it, but maybe they are, and maybe they're not. I shouldn't read much into someone's FB page - is what I'm saying - but just go by my gut instinct when I'm with someone. Also, just because I enjoyed that social occasion, doesn't mean I have to go to further ones - I can decide at the time - depending on what it is - so I still have control on what I do. This is important to me. Somehow I felt as if I was losing my 'control' over myself - by what had happened in the past few days - but that's NOT the case - I am still able to make my own decisions.
I guess the fear came from opening up to someone who is outside my sphere of friends - as even within my actual friends - I've been careful to only disclose certain things to different ones - but I have opened up more in the recent couple of years - to more people - and I have found the responses to be very supportive - and often have ended up learning personal things in return - which have surprised me - I think that people just don't talk about things - probably because of feeling some shame. I recognise and realise that I carry quite a lot of inter-generational shame - on my shoulders, and I need to try to process that and somehow 'put down that load' if I can. I've not got to that stage yet, but I can see that I could do. It's possible.
Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying that I feel better in myself today - I had got myself a bit overly-anxious yesterday - and things had gotten out of perspective - but today - I feel better - and genuinely 'feel better' rather than dissociating off and not feeling at all. This is a good start to the day.
Hope :)
Hope-
Sending you :hug: from across the pond!
I'm proud of you Hope,
I think it's ok to trust a friend of your partner and his wife.
The thing about facebook is that it's easy to paint a false picture of oneself. I post smiley pics and my T says she doesn't recognize me with a huge fake smile and makeup and stuff. I paint a very different picture online and it's easy.
I'm glad you have more energy and hope you have an enjoyable weekend
wow, hope, i'm so impressed! sharing personal stuff is a huge leap compared to what you've been used to doing - no wonder you had a sort of panic backlash and were exhausted afterwards. i've had that same type of experience, especially questioning myself about how much and what i've shared - even on the forum - and it definitely can be draining. every time i've let it be, tho, it has turned out all right.
good for you for taking that risk. it sounds like the results were positive, and that you feel good about that. and, i'm also impressed with how you are taking your power back. as i was reading all the times you spoke of not 'having' to do something just cuz you did it once, or making a decision based on individual merits of the situation, i smiled for you. you are becoming a force in your own life, and it's wonderful to see. :applause:
keep up the good work, sweetie. sending love and a hug full of encouragement on being your own person. well done!
Hi Jdog, Deep Blue & Sanmagic - thank you so much - each of you - for your comments here - I appreciate them very much. :hug: :hug: :hug: to you all.
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Journal Entry on 10th December 2018
I am going to have a 'break' for this week, and possibly next week too - not sure yet - where I am going to keep away from the internet and social media like FB etc - and the plan is to focus on some more relaxing things - and I've got all those great books now from the library - thank you everyone who made some great suggestions for books - I feel like a very excited child - but that is probably just my younger parts who are delighted that I've thought of them.
So, I'll be back either next week or the week after - and will look forward to catching up here - and also re-starting the Dissociation Book - and other processing that I would like to do.
I think this plan is healthy for me, and it feels like a good one.
So - I will be back - and until then, sending you a hug - anyone who is reading this (if a hug is welcome of course!) :hug:
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on December 10, 2018, 02:02:13 PM
So, I'll be back either next week or the week after - and will look forward to catching up here - and also re-starting the Dissociation Book -
I think this plan is healthy for me, and it feels like a good one.
So - I will be back - and until then, sending you a hug - anyone who is reading this (if a hug is welcome of course!) :hug:
Hope :)
Love you back and love that you are doing what's right for you :hug:
right back atcha, sweetie. we'll be waiting for you. :hug:
Have a great break from Internet and enjoy those books! :hug:
:hug:
Hello Deep Blue, SanMagic, Blueberry & Jdog - thank you all for your lovely messages here - :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 17th December 2018
Re-surfacing again after a break - and I feel better for having space and time - I feel like I've got a few things I'd like to say, and yet - as I sit here - thinking about what to write/where to start - I find I can't put the words down. Don't feel I can do them justice - so I'll hopefully just come back when I can convey my thoughts and write more.
But I am thankful for this place - such a haven of safety and calm.
Hope :)
:hug: glad you're back hope and that your time away was pos. for you. sending love.
Thanks SanMagic, sending love back to you as well. :hug:
****
17th December 2018
I am feeling a bit anxious at the moment, as I am intending to watch a film tonight that I recorded on the TV - which is called 'The Old Dark House' - and it was a film that caused me a lot of upset when I was a small child - as I remember watching it - and then not being able to sleep for weeks after - so I think that my little self is a bit scared about the thought of watching it tonight, but I want to - because I want to process it as an adult - and remind myself of what it was like - I couldn't believe it when I saw that it was going to be on TV today - I've tried to find it before, but never been able to locate the film.
I talked to my partner about it today - and got quite a strong EF type reaction in myself - but he reassured me that I should be ok. I hope so. I think it's something I've wanted to do - see the film - as an adult - to see how I feel about it now.
Anyway, wanted to write that - and I'll be interested to see how it goes after I've seen it. Hopefully I'll be ok.
Hope :)
I'm really interested to see what you find out!
i hope it works out well for you, hope. let us know, ok? love and hugs.
Wow that's brave of you Hope. Best of luck darling. :hug:
Best wishes, dear Hope! :applause:
Good to see you back after your break.
That's brave of you, wanting to see that film from the perspective of an adult. I hope it went OK :hug:
Hi hope I'm sending good vibes for your movie night makes me nervous thinking about it.
:hug:
Hi Three Roses, SanMagic, Deep Blue, Jdog, Blueberry & Wattlebird - thank you all for your lovely comments - I felt you all behind me when I was watching that film last night - it really helped. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 18th December 2018
So, I finally got to watch the film 'The Old Dark House' - which had really scared me and terrified me - when I was a small child - and this time, I watched it from the perspective of an adult - although I was aware that there were younger 'parts' of me also watching too - I felt that strongly through certain parts of the film. But I also felt that the adult part of me that is capable of 'looking after' the other parts - was able to be there - and help me to cope. My partner was also there - and he checked with me that I was ok.
***Potential TW - mentioning some aspects of the film - death and scary themes***
Things that came to mind during the film were that I remembered some of the terrifiying parts - and I can see why they were so upsetting to a small child - I was thinking - "How could adults allow a child to see this film?" "It's not appropriate for a small child" - honestly, there are themes of death - there are murders throughout the film, and they depict the death in terms of people with 'staring eyes', and also the house itself was depicted as being a 'living and breathing' kind of house that trapped its occupants and could potentially do damage to them. So - for a small child - who was living (as I was) in an old house that had many creepy aspects to it, and was living with FOO who were similar to the occupants - in terms of controlling the occupants and having power over them - there were disturbing things about that.
The worst part of that film was the death of an elderly lady - and how she was killed - and how they find her body by following her knitting wool to the scene of her demise - and 'little me' could remember that - but seeing it as 'adult me' - it helped me. Honestly - it was helpful.
The thing is that now I've seen the film - I feel like it's helped me to put some context on why I felt so terrified by it in the first place - that it is understandable that a very young child would feel frightened - and also knowing that my FOO wouldn't be likely to discuss themes of death or dying - I would be left to try to cope with the terrified feelings pretty much on my own. My memories were that I couldn't sleep in my bedroom for 'weeks' - and I would be terrified to go to sleep - because when I did sleep, I'd have visions of death - and cry out "the popping eyes" (because of how they'd depicted people having staring eyes).
The other thing is that they used nursery rhymes during the film - both 'Humpty Dumpty' and 'The Bells of St. Clements' - and the way they did that was creepy. Yet to a small child, who knows those nursery rhymes - that must have affected me too.
I had been scared to watch it - anticipating it - but the thing is that it was better than I thought it would be - in that I coped ok. Somehow it feels 'less scary' now - because I can see it for what it is - just a film. Done by the Hammer people - film-makers from the 1960's - it's supposed to be a 'comedy' - but as a child I didn't see the comedy in it. I can see it as an adult - but I am also shocked by how my FOO could allow me to see such a film as a young child. I wish they hadn't. But I'm also aware that it was other context surrounding me - and my experiences at the time - which made it more hurtful to watch it - if I'd been safe and secure in a loving home - with FOO who could protect me - and nurture me - then maybe I could have watched such a film - but without that - I was hurled into a terrified confusion and found it hard to cope.
I didn't realise I'd end up writing so much about it - but it's taken me years to find this film, and so to watch it - and put the ghosts of it to bed, that is a positive thing.
Thanks to everyone for the support - I really felt you all there alongside me - and I feel sure I'd never have reached the point of being able to watch this - and manage so well - without you. Thank you.
Hope :)
Dear Hope - I'm so happy to hear this! One less thing to cause terror to your Littles! I hope they can accept the counsel of you and the older parts that they don't have this to fear any more.
Sounds like you are testing your boundaries and moving out of your comfort zones. Both for adult you, and the little ones. It is very brave and important work to do. I'm cheering for you!
Hi Three Roses & Sceal - thank you both for your kind comments, and support. :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 19th December 2018
I've just been catching up with other people's Journals - and I enjoyed doing that - because I'd missed contact here - even though taking a break from technology was a good thing for me. I also embrace the chance to connect here with people who understand and who don't judge me. I really find that a precious thing.
I wanted to write more but I've run out of time - and so I'll hope to come back either later today or tomorrow - depending on how the day goes.
Hope :)
Dearest Hope,
I must say (selfishly) I miss you when you take those technology breaks. I'm glad that they are helpful to you though.
You have such a caring spirit my dear. We are grateful for you too
we miss you, too, hope - you are precious to us.
hope the rest of your day goes well. keep taking care of you. love and hugs.
We're glad your back hope :grouphug:
Hi Deep Blue, SanMagic & Wattlebird - I'm glad to be back too - I still thought about you all whilst on my technology break - and wondered how you were. :grouphug:
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Journal Entry on 20th December 2018
I am facing more social things this week - one by one - I've accepted a few invitations to meet up with different friends - and I've got another one today. It's going ok. I have been enjoying things - and feeling less anxious beforehand, which is good. I think it's because I am only accepting things that feel manageable - I prefer meeting someone on a one-to-one basis, rather than the idea of a group. Groups or parties are over-whelming to me, and I tend to avoid them. I have been to some over the years, but there have been many times when I've ended up too anxious or feeling that I can't cope - and I've cancelled them.
I think this year is better than some previous years - since being estranged from FOO - in that I am no longer ruminating all the time about them - I still get thoughts of them, but I am no longer thrown into feeling 'out of control' - I find I can manage the thoughts better. Consider them, and cope better with them.
I think my mood is improving too - in that I am feeling some sense of excitement about things - for example watching TV programmes that I enjoy - I find I'm able to be in the moment more - rather than dissociating off and thinking about other things.
I have noticed that my inner critic is not as vocal as normal - there are more supportive parts that are telling me that I'm ok - that I can pace myself and not do things to a ridiculously perfect standard, and that's ok!
I've not had any night terrors for a long time now - I feel better about the thought of sleep. I sleep quite well.
I'm even considering the potential of doing some work next year - when I say next year - I literally mean January 2019 - I am not sure how that will go, but I think if I'm careful and make sure I only do part-time hours - then I could hopefully begin to generate some income again. But I'll see how it goes. Take it slowly. See what happens.
I chose my name on here 'Hope' because I wanted to have 'Hope' - and I honestly feel more hopeful at the moment. I appreciate that feeling, and am wishing that it will stay with me.
Hope :)
I'm glad you got through it and have a new perspective about this. I remember watching the old "Twilight Zone" episodes with my Dad before bed time and several of them kept me sleepless for extended periods of time. It seems like in today's world, kids movies are even scarier than in the past at times. I hope people keep the under 12 crowd away from such films.
Anyway, glad you are ok!
That sounds like tons of progress, Hope! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :hug:
Hi Jdog, Sorry to hear you had extended times when you couldn't sleep after watching those Twilight Zone episodes with your Dad. I agree, and hope that people can keep the younger kids away from programmes that will distress them and disturb them. Thanks for your concern, and I appreciate it very much.
Hi Blueberry - thank you very much. I love those cheers. Also the hug :hug:
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Journal Entry on 22nd December 2018
I was searching everywhere today for some documents that I need - and whilst I was doing so, I came across some old photos of my FOO - taken when they had first met - and I happened to notice a date on the back of one of the photos - which showed them when they had clearly first met - back in the 1950's. I noticed the date on the photo - and realised that something that my sister had told me - about how long they had known each other, couldn't have been correct - so she must have assumed things about them based on what her Grand-mother had told her - rather than on the reality of the situation.
This caused me to feel some upset, and some confusion, and I guess what went through my mind is how I can't believe anything that any of my FOO have said to me - I can't believe my parents, I can't believe my sister. There isn't any of them who will be up front and tell the truth of the situation - and I need to live with that fact. It's a stark thing though - makes me feel very heavy and sad in my heart. I cried when I saw the photos - because it reminded me of how I had at one time sometimes idolised them - thinking they were a beautiful couple - and thinking that I loved them very much. That was true - i.e. I did love them. I guess there are parts of me that do still love them. But I feel betrayed by all the deception and hidden aspects of life - and how they painted a picture of life that clearly wasn't accurate or true.
I still haven't found the documents I need to find, and I think I might have to re-apply for them, which will cost me money - but I will continue the search - as I don't want to spend extra money if I don't need to. I have a lot of expenses this Christmas, and I am on a tight budget - although I am hoping that I will perhaps do some part-time work next year - if I can manage to do it. I remain hopeful about it. I feel stronger in myself and I think I could cope - but I need to set limits and ensure that I don't do more than I can cope with.
The other thing that bothered me about one of the photos of my FOO (parents) was that my F had his arm around her neck, and it was a very threatening possessive kind of stance - like he was 'owning her' rather than them being together in a photo. I showed it to my partner, without mentioning my thoughts on it, and he immediately commented that it was quite an aggressive pose - showing dominance and possessiveness. Interesting that we both saw the same things in that photo.
I've managed to cope with some social things this week - even though they were just one-on-one (I.e. I met up with friends individually - rather than in groups) and it was fine. But what I noticed was that I would tend to arrive at a venue early, and then when the time of the appointment came, I would then become quite anxious if my friend was a bit late. It was like it triggered an EF kind of feeling - almost as if I felt abandoned by the slight lateness. I was able to think about this more objectively rather than end up getting bogged down with the feeling, and I was more interested and observing of it - as opposed to 'feeling it' (if that makes sense).
There was an evening when my partner was out and didn't get back till later, and I felt anxious then as well - it reminded me of times when I had panicked when home alone in the past, and how I don't deal with that very well. I guess I dislike being on my own. Although there are times when I also savour that aloneness - because these days I feel like I am not alone - as I have my younger parts with me most of the time.
Talking of my 'parts' - I have been aware of a more aggressive/angry part of me - who tends to swear quite a bit and wants to push people away physically - it's like he/she wants to protect me, and doesn't like people being physically close - I have to remind myself that I am safe and that there isn't any need for that protection - so I try to tell that part that I'm ok. What has been interesting is that I think I've actually begun to feel some anger towards some family members in my FOO. I don't seem able to find that feeling normally - but lately I have been feeling it.
Since getting back online and looking at Facebook again, I've been seeing what my sister is posting, and I've been getting annoyed by the things she puts. She has very different beliefs to me, we are very different - and some of her political views are at complete opposites to mine, and I don't understand where she is coming from - but then I feel bad, as I think to myself - she had a tough upbringing. We had very different experiences. But at the same time, I feel that her experiences might even have been better than my own. Although I doubt she would necessarily agree with that.
This time of year is tough in itself - because although there are some very positive things about it - I find it overwhelming to interact with my partner's family - short moments are ok, but it is usually over a few days - and whilst I do like them, and they are kind, I also find I want to be a hermit and 'get away' and 'protect myself' - but I'll need to 'put a face on to show that I'm calm and happy' - and maybe that's a hard thing to do. I should just be more authentic and be myself, but I'm still discovering who that is.
I've made a lot of progress - I know that. But it is exhausting sometimes - at the same time. When there are holidays. Family occasions.
Writing this is making me feel sad - but I find that interesting in itself, because often I can write things and 'feel nothing' and then it's only when I 're-read it' that I will 'feel' anything - but somehow as I write this, I feel things - so I'm more in the moment with writing this. I think that's a good thing. But it's also tough to feel. But I want to feel things. I think it's important. It's living life to feel things - and different from my usual reaction to dissociate and minimise and numb myself.
I'll try to find those documents tomorrow - before re-applying for them - maybe I'll find them.
Anyway, it was good to write all of this down.
Hope :)
Interesting about the photo Hope. Did you find it validating at all that your partner was struck by the aggressiveness in it, just as you are.
I agree that this time of the year can bring good things but also be very tough. A forum friend told me that maybe if we build up enough positive moments they can outweigh the bad.
I also had that angry part of me. Mine showed up during my abuse and took about 10 years to go away. After another traumatic experience, that part of just faded away and I have not really seen her since. So now it's been another 10 years with that part Of me gone.
Take good care hope
:hug:
I've just read your post Hope. There's so much in it, it seems so much is evolving for you atm. That's beneficial in its way, but I also know how overwhelming it can be. Then coupled with this time of year - not easy. :grouphug: :hug: :hug:
Hi hope
Good work observing your feelings instead of being in it, I also have anger emerging, I guess when your parts feel safer the emotion doesn't need to be dissociated as much, a good sign you are doing good work with your parts.
:grouphug:
Hope, I am also in a phase of letting myself feel my feelings and it is not easy at all. I admire your courage and your constant inquisitiveness about your own reactions to things that took place within your family.
Sending love and support as you navigate the holidays.
Hi Deep Blue - Thank you - Yes, I did find it validating that my partner felt the same way about the photo. It was helpful to hear his thoughts - and that they echoed my own. I like what your forum friend said about building up positive moments to outweigh the bad - I hope to work on that! :) Thank you also for sharing your experience of your angry part, and how she faded away - I'm glad you haven't seen her since. :hug: to you, Deep Blue.
Hi Blueberry - Thanks so much for the group hug and the hugs - I always appreciate them, and I appreciate you. :hug: It does feel like there's a lot evolving at the moment - and it does feel over-whelming at times, but at the same time, I am grateful that things are changing.
Hi Wattlebird - I really appreciate what you said about the parts feeling safer and therefore the emotion not needing to be dissociated from as much - I hadn't thought of it in that way - but it makes sense. I hope you're coping with your anger emerging - it's not easy to manage that (at least I think so). :hug: to you, Wattlebird.
Hi Jdog - Thank you for the love and support and also for your reflections to me - and I also wish you the best with navigating feeling things more - I agree, it's not easy at all - kudos to us all that we are facing these things and negotiating our way - but it's so much better doing this with mutual support - this forum is such a valuable and important place - and you (and everyone here) mean a lot - on that journey. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 23rd December 2018
I have experienced a day when things have proved to be harder than they should be. I have had to try to sort out a few things, and somehow things kept going wrong - but I found I had some stamina to keep going and trying to sort them out. Although I found that when I tried to explain to my partner what had happened in a couple of phone calls I had made, that I ended up crying. I think it's something about 'saying it aloud' to someone - as it is easier to handle something at the time, but then the emotional reactivity follows on - and especially if I say it aloud - in terms of talking about the emotion.
I am pleased that I've got through the day though - and essentially it's gone ok. Despite things feeling like they were going wrong, essentially nothing terrible has happened. So that's good.
The way I feel right at this moment, I feel as if I could sleep for a week, but I know I need to do things tomorrow - as the Christmas things are stacking up - and people will be expecting things. But maybe they won't be expecting anything of me, and it's all in my mind that they are. I need to just take things moment by moment, and know that 'this too will pass'. That's a helpful saying - especially when I'm not sure how it will go.
I've been dreaming a bit more lately - but not in terms of night terrors - just dreams - and the content was such that I ended up in foreign countries on some kind of Adventure - I wonder how come that is happening. It's not a bad thing, but I'm just curious.
Interesting that the angry part of me seems to have quietened down today - I rarely noticed him/her - and I don't really know why I can't decide whether that part is male or female - it's just an angry voice and feeling - rather than any particular gender. But it was quiet today. Maybe because I talked about it here - I don't know.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 24th December 2018
I slept well last night, so I have woken feeling more refreshed, and I'm glad about that, as I will be doing social things later today - and of course tomorrow and the next day as well. Glad that I feel I have some energy to start off with. :)
Hope :)
hey, hope,
i know that feeling of having idolized my father, then feeling betrayed by the deceptions. it's not a good feeling.
i hope it all goes smoothly with your partner's family.
as blueberry said, you seem to have a lot evolving at the moment, coming to the fore. no wonder you feel like sleeping for a week. i would, too, i think.
hope you enjoy the holidays. love and hugs to you, sweetie.
Hi SanMagic,
Love and hugs to you too - thank you so much for your kind words. I hope the holidays are enjoyable for us all. :grouphug:
Hope :)
Dearest Hope,
You have always stood by me for the tough times, holding my hand. I'm with you too my dear. Just wanted to send you some reassurance and love :yes:
:bighug:
Just dropping by to wish you a merry Christmas and I hope that 2019 will bring you more progression, understanding and many good new memories to hold on to
Merry Christmas, Hope!
Hi Deep Blue, Sceal and Jdog, :hug: :hug: :hug: Merry Christmas to you all. :)
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Journal Entry on 26th December 2018
Just surfacing - I have survived - it was ok - there were some lovely moments and there were moments when I felt like I wanted them to 'pass' - and of course they did. So that was good. I think the various parts of me managed to cope ok - it was only during the night that I came across the more scared and frightened parts - and I attempted to reassure them. Sometimes the phone went, and immediately I thought it might be FOO trying to get in touch - but it wasn't. So that was a relief. But I also noticed that part of me was disappointed - because it was like there's a part of me that would like to have had positive contact - but the rest of me knows that's not possible.
I will be glad when things are back to normal - and the normal routine starts again. I feel like there are always many expectations - and visits, and social stuff - and I find it hard. But there were some lovely moments too - and I managed to cope and get through it all. I do feel very tired though.
Hope :)
:hug:
Thank you Three Roses, and sending you a hug too :hug:
Hope :)
I'm glad it worked out ok, I find all the expectations draining as well. Hope the new year is good to you hope. :)
Hi Wattlebird, Thanks so much, and I wish that the New Year will also be good to you - let's hope that 2019 will bring us some nice things.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 28th December 2018
I feel keen to get back to reading more of the Dissociation book - so I hope to start doing the next chapter in the next couple of days. I feel like I want to write more, but somehow I don't feel able to. This is a bit strange. Not sure why. But I won't fight it, I'll just stop there - and hopefully I'll write more another day. I think it's because I was tempted to write some positive things - and somehow I felt that writing them would jinx them - maybe there's part of me that isn't comfortable with writing about 'good things'... I need to work on that, because I think I should acknowledge good things - they are important.
Hope :)
i agree - i think it's very important that we acknowledge the positive for ourselves. i believe that when we do something like that, it helps erase all the neg. we've heard from others, at least a little bit. here's hoping that some day you will be able to write those words for and about yourself, hope. love and hugs, sweetie.
Sometimes we're so eager to experience the positive, but our honesty doesn't quite feel like we're ready, at least momentarily. If we keep doing the work, we might just burst through that door into the positive vibe we're looking for, and not even notice how or when it happened. Yet we'll know it was always there, that we'd find it, and that it was worth it.
I'm glad your going to get back into your dissociation book soon, I've had a break from mine until I'm back home, I just can't deal with it while I'm staying here with my ex for a week.
I think it's good your listening to your doubts about writing posative things, helps your parts trust that you're listening to them, I'm glad you have posatives if you write them or not.
Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much - and I appreciate the love and hugs. :hug:
Hi Woodsgnome - I find your words very inspiring - thank you so much - :hug:
Hi Wattlebird - I have just tried to summarise Chapter 5 of that book - it wasn't easy, but I did my best - I was just reading your Journal - I think you're doing really well coping with things at your exes house. I also appreciate what you said about listening to my parts, and the doubts about writing about the positives. I do relate to that very much. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 29th December 2018
I've started reading the Dissociation book again, and just summarised Chapter 5 in the 'Book Talk' area of the forum. It was quite hard to try to summarise that chapter, but I did my best.
I was doing some dot-to-dots today - which were very relaxing. I'm giving myself some time to just be quiet and relax. It is good to be able to do that.
Hope :)
i've got a down day today, too, hope, and i totally agree with you - it feels good. enjoy, ok? love and hugs, sweetie.
Hi SanMagic, I wasn't sure what you meant when you said 'down day' as immediately I thought of 'down in mood' for some reason, which makes me laugh when I think of it, as it sounds like I have a tendency to see the glass 'half empty' - I realise you meant a relaxing day - and yes, it was good - and I did enjoy it. I hope you enjoyed yours too. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 30th December 2018
****TW
Potential TW - as mentioning Santa Claus, which triggered me... reminded me of CSA
I was doing dot-to-dots for part of the day yesterday - as I was trying to relax and unwind and just do something that would help me do that. Dot-to-dots are helpful - but the ones I have at the moment are Christmas themed, and so Father Christmas features a lot in many of them, and weirdly, I found that seeing him is a bit triggering for me. I think it is due to the fact that young children are encouraged to sit on his lap, and for me, I couldn't trust my own F - in that way.
*** end of TW
Now I feel as if I want to delete what I just wrote, but I'm going to leave it there, because I think that part of me wanted me to write it - and so I have.
I guess it's because so many things around Christmas can be potentially triggering - because it relates to childhood memories, and some are good memories and some are uncomfortable. So many nostalgic films - some of them the 'Hallmark variety' which tend not to have any horrible things - and then others that are difficult. I watched a programme last night by Bradley Walsh which was about the old Ventriloquist dummies - like Orville and Sooty and other characters - and I found that very emotional - because my little parts remembered those characters - and then it was sad to see that the people who had worked with them had died - and so the passing of time was enhanced - and then the puppets or dummies are kept in some museum or in someone's home, and remain a reminder - as well as the programmes etc.
I think the ending of a year and the start of a new one - brings up lots of emotions, thoughts and feelings, and I am 'feeling' more things at the moment than I usually do. I'm just going to try to go with the flow of this, and not push away anything - I will try to stay in the moment with whatever comes to mind, and I cannot repress the thought that I am hopeful for the new year - I think it will be better than the last one. I am going to embrace that thought - and cherish it, and stand by it. 2019 will hopefully be better than 2018. I've said it now. I hope it is true.
Hope :)
well done, hope, in letting your post remain here. there's your strength and courage showing - again. i'm glad for you that you were able to do it. i truly believe that the more we're able to get that stuff out of us, then have it and us accepted by others and not judged or shamed, the more we're eventually able to continue getting it out of us. cleansing.
and, yeah, i meant 'down' as in not being up and doing a lot. maybe i need to be more careful in my choice of words - they can be confusing.
sorry about the santa claus triggers, tho. that's a drag. having to have something that's meant to be positive, a giving spirit of the christmas season, turned into something uncomfortable, well, that's just wrong.
sending love and hugs, hope, filled with promise for a better year.
Well done hope, I read your chpt summaries for 4 and 5, I must have missed the 4th one but it's good to see your thoughts about what I'm working on at the same time, maybe I should be writing more about what I'm learning, I will consider it.
I'm glad you were brave enough to leave your experiences here it helps me and I'm sure others as well, you need to get dot to dots that are not Christmas based I'm thinking but I guess it was helpful in identifying that trigger so :Idunno:
Glad you had a "down day" I was tempted to use a bit of local lingo to confuse you more but only in fun :bigwink:
Hi SanMagic & Wattlebird - thank you both for what you said. It really helped me to read your replies there - because I felt a bit 'bad' for mentioning about the Santa Claus stuff - mainly because parts of me feel 'dirty' regarding that side of my life - but I know that I shouldn't allow myself to feel like that. I have decided to continue with the Christmas themed dot-to-dots, because I think I can cope with seeing the Santas when they do happen to feature - it's a bit like de-sensitising myself to the things that trigger me - so I think it's good to just try to focus on the relaxing process of the dot-to-dots - and just try to be mindful of what my inner parts tell me whilst I do so. What I did find really powerful, was how parts of me reacted to reading what each of you said - it was like you touched a very emotional part of me, a very young part who was very glad to be heard - and so I am glad that I wrote about it - because if I hadn't done so, I wouldn't have discovered that reaction, and it was meaningful to parts of me. So thank you. I feel emotional even as I write this, so I am 'feeling' emotions whilst 'in the moment' - I think that's a progression.
*******
Journal Entry on 31st December 2018
December is nearly over - and 2018 will be gone soon as well - I am hopeful that 2019 will be ok.
I'm not sure how I'm feeling today - so I can't really write much at this moment - but I feel ok.
Hope :)
A warm and peaceful new years wish to you, dear Hope! :hug:
Thank you for giving me so many warm wishes, and making me feel welcome.
:hug:
A happy new year to you, dear Hope! Wishing you all the best
Happy New Year, sweet Hope!
Happy New Year Hope :phoot:
:bighug:
Hope the new year is good to you hope, and all your parts as well :bigwink:
I'm glad our words were meaningful
Happy New Year to you all - thank you so much for your lovely messages here - I appreciate each and everyone of you - and my heart is warmed by your kindness. :grouphug:
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Journal entry on 1st January 2019
Strange to write that new year date - but it is here - and I already feel exhausted! I have had people round at the house today - in a group - and I don't cope all that well with more people - so it was exhausting. But I did cope. I am relieved that it is over now.
I'm too tired to write more than this, but just wanted to express relief here - and hopefully I will sleep ok tonight. I might have an early night.
Happy New Year to everyone.
Hope :)
back atcha, hope. we'll look forward to a more peaceful, calm year. it is weird to think '2019'. 2018 has been quite up and down for me, but in the end, i have hope that 2019 will be smoother. for all of us. love and hugs.
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much - a peaceful, calm year is a great thought. Let's hope it is like that. :)
*********
Journal Entry on 3rd January 2019
I had a triggering night - and I wrote about it in another part of the forum this morning - and it was helpful to have done that - because it helped me to 'get it out' and speak about it. I'm doing a lot this morning - trying to get the house looking ok, as I have another social thing where visitors are coming to my home, and therefore I feel a bit worried about that - although essentially I really think it doesn't make sense to feel like this. Parts of me would like to hibernate really - and close the doors and say 'I'm not in right now' - but I did make the agreement to meet up - and so I am going to see it through. I will just be relieved when the day is finished. I don't like to think like that, as there are parts of me that think that every moment is precious - and that I should do my best to make sure that each day is lived in as positive way as I can.
Potential trigger - mentioning the word 'CSA' briefly:
I am sure I was in an EF this morning - it took quite some time to come out of it, but I think I am feeling more settled now - I really think it helped to write it out here - I put it in my diary of my CSA related things. ** end of trigger warning.
I have decided to move on from my Christmas themed dot-to-dot book - and move onto less triggering topics. I thought it was good to try to face it, but afterall - Christmas is over now, and I can focus on things related to the New Year and going forward now.
I am also getting prepared for the prospect of starting some work next week - I had to find lots of documents relating to this - and it was hard to do that over the holiday. I got very stressed out by it, and also found it tough to try to talk to people in offices who were dealing with beurocratic kind of things - I think the larger the organization, the less organised they seem to be. It is frustrating, but I am trying to negotiate my way through it. No wonder I feel a bit over-whelmed just now - I am only going to do part-time work - and see how it goes. I still have a few days of freedom though - so I hope to make the most of those.
Hope :)
Sorry to hear about the ef and triggering stuff all over the place, hope the visitors aren't too stressful.
Sending hugs :hug: :hug: to feel better
I read your entry in the other part of the forum and wanted to just let you know that.
I'm so sorry for little Hope. I wish she wouldn't have had to go through any of that. I'm sorry you are still feeling the effects of it to this day.
Just sending you some love and support sweetie. :hug:
Hi Wattlebird - I managed to cope with the visitors better than I thought I would - so that was good. I appreciate the hugs - and I do feel better than I did. Thank you. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - thank you so much for letting me know that you read what I wrote in the other part of the forum, it means a lot that you did that - and that you expressed things to Little Hope and to Adult Hope - I also appreciate your love and support - thank you :hug:
Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you - for everything you said here, and I will keep an eye out for stuff to happen in strange and wonderful ways - I feel sure that you're right about that. Each movement in the real world has a ripple effect - and I hope to cope with the results of every movement that happens - and hopefully it will be ok. :hug:
*************
Journal Entry on 4th January 2019
I feel as if I'm out of the EF I was in - and as a result I feel calmer again. I am allowing emotions to surface and I am trying to look at which parts are feeling them - and in the process of doing that - it makes it more tolerable somehow - and as if I'm 'hearing' the various messages from different parts of me.
I am finding that being reminded of my F by the Father Christmas images got even worse later yesterday - when I was in a supermarket and saw someone who looked a LOT like him - I had seen this man before - so it wasn't a complete surprise, but what is surprising is how much he looks like my F - and it is very disconcerting to see him. But there were times when I would have felt very phobic of being around anyone who looked vaguely like him, incase it was him, and I would have to have some kind of interaction - I am terrified of that - more so of my M. She really terrifies parts of me. But seeing that man yesterday - I was able to keep a watch on him from a distance, and I was interested that I didn't feel so 'scared' or 'anxious' - I felt ok.
I think I slept better last night - there weren't any strange experiences. The night before, had been not so good - and I had the experience of seeing visual hallucination in the dark as I was going off to sleep - like hypnogogic kind of things - that hadn't happened for a long time, but it did happen that night - and that was the night when I spoke aloud in my sleep and was disorientated about who I was and where I was - and so I guess it was all tied up together in that experience.
Those things don't frighten me anymore - they are disconcerting and upsetting though - and it did take me a few hours to come out of the reaction to it.
But today - I feel calmer - I feel ok. I am feeling anxious about the idea of starting my part-time work next week - but I also have some feelings of excitement about it too - there have been some positive things - some people have been very encouraging to me - and there will be some induction and training courses too - so I can catch up with things that I need to know and learn. Hopefully it will be ok.
Hope :)
Hope- I think it's wonderful that you will be starting part time work, and I feel sure you will be able to rise to the occasion! Well done!
Hello Hope,
I just wanted to pop by and wish you well on starting up with part time work! And to give you a little hug, if that's okay today? :) :hug:
Hi Jdog - thank you so much - I'm feeling quite 'excited' but also very apprehensive about starting my part-time work - my emotions are changing by the hour, by the moment, but I'm enjoying my day so far - and I'll see how things go tomorrow, when I start... So many emotions...
Hi BeHea1thy - thank you for seeing progress in what I wrote - I can see it too - sometimes I can feel it as well - so that's positive!
Hi Sceal - Thank you! I appreciate your kind words and also your little hug - definitely ok - I really appreciate it. :hug:
**********
Journal Entry on 6th January 2019
I am feeling lots of mixed up emotions today - but excitement is one of them - will be going to work tomorrow - and feeling apprehensive, a bit scared, but also excited! I don't know what else to say about it. I don't want to try to analyse this too much, because I fear I could end up doubting myself - hence I'm saying little about it - I'll see how it goes.
Hope :)
Quote from: BeHea1thy on January 05, 2019, 12:28:00 PM
QuoteI was able to keep a watch on him from a distance, and I was interested that I didn't feel so 'scared' or 'anxious' - I felt ok.
QuoteThose things don't frighten me anymore - they are disconcerting and upsetting though
QuoteI think I slept better last night
I see progress! :bighug:
:yeahthat:
Good luck with your new job, Hope! It shows me big progress that you applied for and got one and are now starting.
A belated Good and Healthy New Year to you.
Dear Blueberry, Thank you so much - I would also like to wish you a belated Good and Healthy New Year as well. Let's hope it has some positive things within it - for all of us to enjoy, and that we'll continue to make progress with our journeys through tackling anything and everything that comes our way. :hug: Thank you for validating my progress - I feel I am doing better than I was. Thanks to support here and hope for the future.
************
Journal Entry on 7th January 2019
***Possible TW as mentioning some unpleasant things - possible sexual references and swearing within the content - but nothing overtly mentioned - just purely descriptive - not sure that makes sense, but TW anyway...
I felt very anxious last night, as I slept knowing that I'd be commencing work today - having not done any for quite some time - I just want to make note here of the fact that during last night I ended up encountering another part of myself - again, a younger part - possibly two younger parts - as they seemed quite contrasting - one of them was literally like a feral 'thing' - she could swear a lot - and she did. She also appeared like a fighting ball of fury - with jagged elbows and I had some quite distressing visual experiences where I saw something that looked quite sexualised - I don't want to mention it in more detail than that - but it felt graphic. Shocked me. It was like the younger parts of me were letting me know how they felt and they weren't very happy. But I was able to take the stance of an interested observer, and it felt safe to do that - and I literally felt grateful to be making contact with them, as I had felt they had gone further away from me for a while, and I had lost contact with some of them. I'd not experienced something so visual or 'real' as this for a while, and I actually do want to now - it was frightening at one time, but now I am welcoming it - as I feel it's fitting pieces of a puzzle together - not always making sense, but being privy to things.
Regarding my work - it was tough to get up early - but I coped - I managed to last the day - and my energy levels were quite good - people are nice - I've met some of them before during my interview - and the new ones were also very welcoming - and whilst I had criticised them a bit for being a bit disorganised at first, I actually think they were better prepared for welcoming me today - and I feel like they actually care about their staff - which I think is relatively rare - from past experiences. I was still quite hyper-vigilant though - and looking out for possible issues that probably weren't there - and there were times in the day that I felt like I didn't know what I was actually doing - but I think that's normal - as procedures and sytems are different - and I need to get used to where things are, and how things work. I need to learn some new skills too - and I hope I'll be able to do that, and adapt and hopefully do ok. I'll see how it goes - there's a probationary period anyway, so I guess they will also see what they think too. Hopefully it will be ok. So far so good. I feel quite happy about it - but I know it's just one day.
My partner was very happy that I managed to cope - he was so lovely to me tonight - prepared my meal - I wasn't expecting that. He surprised me. I am very lucky. He's a lovely man.
I've been feeling pressure from my younger parts - who want me to write about different things that have been surfacing. I hope to do that - but at the same time, I am finding that it's hard to write about them - I don't know why that is, but whilst I feel a drive to write - at the same time I feel 'resistance' too.
I feel like I'd like to write some more 'letters to (not to send)' as well - as I feel I need to offload some emotions and some thoughts and feelings - relating to my FOO - that still perturb me. There's actually so much I feel I want to do - I am keen to read more of the Dissociation book - and the book by Mary Bratton keeps calling to me too - as I know I avoid doing work on CSA - because it scares me - but I feel as if I need to do that - and do some experiential things to help me to cope better.
I do feel very tired now - all of a sudden - so maybe my energy is flagging afterall. But it's been a big day - so I think it's understandable.
Hope :)
Take your time Hope. They will present themselves when you are ready.
So glad your day went well! Welcome back to the workforce, Hope.
Hi Deep Blue - Thank you - you're right, they will present themselves when I'm ready - I am going to try not to push things - and go with the flow more. :hug: to you.
Hi Jdog - Thank you so much, and I hope you're enjoying your Birthday today - :hug: to you.
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Journal Entry on 8th January 2019
I am doing ok - today went well at work - I am finding my feet so to speak, and I am enjoying the structure and being able to focus on things. People are friendly and I am doing ok. It's a relief.
I had a dream last night where I was flying in an aeroplane, and my FOO (parents) were on board the same plane, but thankfully there were people sitting in the seats between us - i.e. they were about 10 rows behind me. They didn't get chance to speak to me or interact with me, and they didn't try to either. My feelings during the dream were of feeling scared and worried - but that was all I remembered about it.
I found it interesting that I was dreaming about travelling - and that they ended up in the dream as well. I have no idea where I was going to - or why I was flying. Usually my dreams involve large boats for some reason - or sometimes trains!
I am feeling a bit anxious about tomorrow - as I need to attend a meeting - and I'm not sure how that will go - I feel comfortable with my office space - as I am sharing that with just one other person, and that is really quite nice - so far anyway. But the thought of sitting in a larger meeting - even though I have done that many times in my working life - I still don't enjoy that - but I suspect that I'll cope - because that is what usually happens - even in uncomfortable situations - I seem to get a coping 'face' that helps me get through things. I am relying on that happening. Maybe it will be better than I think it will be.
I felt like I got in touch with a younger part of me at some points in the early evening today - there was a feeling of excitement - and she was happy - but I was keen not to frighten her away, as I felt somehow that she felt bad for feeling that happiness. That is how it felt.
I was reading the book 'The Little Princess' last night - and it was very disconcerting because I realised that the story described how the girl in the story had a doll made for her - which had lots of amazing clothes, and it was her friend and confidante - and it made me think that maybe my M had copied that idea from the book when she made the doll with all the sets of clothes - and what was chilling about this was that on p.14 of the book it said "So Emily was bought and actually taken to a children's outfitter's shop, and measured for a wardrobe as grand as Sara's own. She had lace frocks, too, and velvet and muslin ones, and hats and coats and beautiful lace-trimmed underclothes, and gloves and hankerchiefs and furs.
"I should like her always to look asi fi she was a child with a good mother", said Sara. "I'm her mother, thought I am going to make a companion of her."
So that was what the book said, and it makes me think how chilling it feels that my M also created a doll that she made and sets of clothes for the doll, and I think that people looking at the fact she did that for her daughter makes it look as if she really loved me, to have done that. But maybe it's more about 'Look at my daughter's doll, I made that for her, and it shows she's a child with a good mother'
It feels like all for show - the fact I barely saw her - and didnt' remember her much during my early childhood, whilst she shut herself away to sew the clothes for that doll, and to make that doll - and do whatever else she was doing - it doesn't make the experience of motherhood.
The fact I seem to be obsessing about things like this - makes me feel like I'm quite strange - that people will think I'm strange. I just wanted to say that, as it's what is going through my mind, and I think maybe that's an inner critic speaking - and telling me I am strange.
I remember Blueberry said that she thought I was describing a Gothic novel or story when I spoke of the Doll or maybe it was the Gril in the Mirror that I described, but she's right - Blueberry is right - in that I do feel like I lived in a Gothic story or novel - that is how my childhood feels in many ways. It's like it's really creepy and sinister - that's the feeling I have. But when I say things like that I also feel as if it's being melodramatic - as Gothic dramas etc are melodramatic - and not real - so maybe that's the depersonalising quality of it all - it just doesn't feel 'real'.
I find it a bit frustrating to struggle with all of this, and I still feel as if I'm intellectualising things, rather than actually 'feeling' them. Mainly.
I will think about this more, but for now I'm going to have a rest. I am quite tired.
Hope :)
I had to come back, as I was shocked when I re-read what I'd just written and realised that I made several typos. I generally try not to do that, but somehow I seemed incapable of writing that without making very glaring typos - that is strange in itself. Honestly, it shocks me. I guess that's my perfectionism coming out - but how come I couldn't even 'see' the typos as I was writing - surely I would have noticed them at the time of writing. But I just didn't spot them at all - and I see them. I just wanted to say that.
Hope :)
I have an inner critic telling me I'm strange to be thinking these things too.
It's important to process and understand your experiences, I don't think your strange,
I'm glad work is ok
Hi Wattlebird,
Thank you for what you said, because it made me feel better - knowing that your inner critic tells you similar things - although at the same time, of course, it's a pity that these inner critics do that! I agree that it's important to process and understand my experiences, and I am going to continue to try to do that. Yes, work is ok, so far. Although I have noticed that I get thrown into EF's more frequently - throughout the day...
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Journal Entry on 10th January 2019.
Today felt like it went on forever - and I am glad it's over - I just had so many things go wrong - it was getting used to new systems and especially computer related things - I've been talking to IT people to help sort things out - but it seems to take AGES - and it's frustrating - but I guess I am just not used to these things - having been out of the work-place for a while. I coped with the meeting though - and infact I admitted to a colleague that I didn't like meetings very much, and she said she felt the same. I almost regretted saying it at first, feeling as if I was not very wise to admit my weakness - but I guess it's something that isn't liked by all that many people really - and I think there might be few people who would say that they relish a meeting!
Just one more day to go, and then the weekend, and I will have completed my first week - and I am already planning how I will enjoy the weekend - although I am saving all my housework till then - and to be honest the house looks really untidy at the moment! But I'm not too concerned about it. It's still clean. Just untidy.
I've been getting EF's more frequently - or maybe it's just that I've been panicking a bit - when I can't do stuff - and then I fear that I won't be able to cope. But I also feel a sense of pride that I've managed to cope - and that I'm doing ok so far.
I have got plenty of autonomy in my job - and I can say 'yes' or 'no' to certain tasks - and I've been trying to say 'yes' more than 'no' - but I've noticed that when I do accept an assignment - then I get really anxious about whether it was right for me or not. Thankfully people don't notice that - I am able to keep it hidden behind my mask of competence. I tend to look very calm - but inside I am not feeling like that. Or at least, that is how I think I come across - maybe I don't - I daren't ask anyone about it - not until I know them better.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 12th January 2019
I couldn't post yesterday - or didn't feel able to - because my mind was literally 'racing' with so many different thoughts, feelings - and I felt over-whelmed. I ended up talking quite a bit in my sleep (my partner told me this, but I have limited memory of that - I do remember him asking me things in the middle of the night, and my feeling disorientated - but that was all I remembered) - I was having vivid dreams though - and they were involving bizarre recollections of incidents from my past employment - mixed up with things related to my new employment. I realise this makes sense, as it's a massive change for me at the moment, but I am concerned at how much I am feeling out of control with it - it's like I am really fearing that everything will go wrong and I'll collapse and be unable to function at all. I realise that's catastrophic thinking in many respects, but it's how it feels.
I feel calmer today - in the light of day - I was also aware that I'd watched a film last night that was quite horrific in some ways - it was 'Red Sparrow' - and it made me fearful - even though I averted my eyes at some of the graphic scenes that were in that film. But I feel sure that having seen it, meant I was hypervigilant and worried - even when I was trying to get to sleep.
I did enjoy aspects of working last week - there were some nice parts to it, but I realise that I tend to take on too much - and I should pace myself. I am even tempted to work on some assignments over the weekend, but my partner asked me if that was wise, as weekends are for other stuff. He's right. I'll try to keep a distinction between them, and separate the time that way. Otherwise I'll end up burned out and non-functioning.
I found it really helpful to read something that Three Roses posted - which was about the Ups and Downs of recovery from Trauma - it made perfect sense, and I really appreciated reading it today - it expresses much of what I feel.
Anyway, I am ok, I have got through my first week, and it's the weekend, so I'm hoping to do some things at home, and make the most of the weekend. I also hope to read another chapter of my Dissociation book - I really want to re-read that - and make notes on it, as I feel it will sink in and I can process it more. That will be helpful to me.
Hope :)
Hi hope I glad you feel calmer today, your bf is right, don't overwhelm yourself and take breaks.
I read that book (red sparrow) it's full on and if you were already off balance from work, I can understand the reaction.
I've worked out the dissociation books are different books mine is "coping with trauma related dissociation" and yours is "treating trauma related dissociation " by the same authors
Anyway thought I'd let u know
Well done on your first week back at work.
Hi Wattlebird,
Thanks - and I imagine it must have been a heavy book to read 'Red Sparrow'.
I was going to ask you what the title was of your version of the book - so I am glad you mentioned it today - I would be tempted to purchase the version you have - as well - but I'll wait till I've re-read the one I've got - as I do find it helpful - but realising the difference helps me to appreciate why I've found it quite heavy going to read at times. Thanks for letting me know. But I've still found your comments really helpful, even though you are reading a different version, and we're tackling the same kind of things - so I think it's still interesting to compare and discuss. I really appreciate that you are here. Thanks also for your kind words about my being back at work.
Hope :)
Hi BeHea1thy,
Thank you so much :hug: You're right that boundaries don't seem forthcoming at nighttime - the light of day makes things seem less frightening. Thanks also for what you said about work - and I will do my best to try to trust myself.
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Journal Entry on 13th January 2019
I feel calmer this weekend - but I also feel surprised at how quickly the weekend has gone - and yet I feel I've not really done very much at all - but I'm not going to worry too much about that. ......... I've just sat here for a while, and realise I can't think of anything to say - words just won't come - so I'll hope to come back later. I haven't done any reading at all over the weekend, and I really wanted to - but somehow I just haven't had chance. I'm tempted to go back to bed this afternoon - but I don't know why I want to do that - because I slept ok last night. Anyway, I'll go now.
Hope :)
I am back again, and I have just finished summarising Chapter 6 of the Dissociation book - and I wanted to say that I feel quite spaced out - and slightly dizzy - and that this happened whilst I was writing things from the chapter, and I noticed that - but kept writing - because I really wanted to complete it. But it interests me that I was dissociating whilst reading it - and I do feel resistance from some of my parts about doing that process - but I really wanted to do it - at the same time.
The more I'm reading about the things that therapists need to consider when working with people (patients) who are dissociative - it makes me think that it is going to be very difficult to find a therapist that would cope with that kind of work - at least where I live - I think it's not looking hopeful. I've been considering since re-commencing some paid employment whether I could budget for more therapy sessions for myself - and I have my therapist I saw before - I could still contact her - but I am not sure if she's the right fit for me - I haven't spoken about my dissociative experiences - or indeed many of my inner experiences - with her - and I would be scared to open up to her about that.
Also, I feel as if I'm making some progress - by reading self-help books - and talking here in the forum about my feelings, thoughts and experiences - I've been able to open up here, more than I've ever been able to in any other situation or with any person. My partner knows everything though - I have been completely open with him. So I know that I am lucky to have a life partner that I can do that with.
It's good to write all of this here - I am feeling less spaced out and I don't feel dizzy anymore. I feel ok about what I've written.
Hope :)
I agree with BeHealthy! It does show your ability to trust again. Maybe it's growth that you hadn't realized or given full attention to?
Love ya!
hi Hope
I just read that you've gone back to work part-time - wow!.... I don't really know you, but it does seem like a huge step, so that's great :applause: .... really hope you continue to integrate that as well as you seem to be, so far ... it's something I want to have in my life again when I am able, so I really admire that you've been able to achieve that
and I also agree about your relationship and the trust involved ... I'm happy for you that you have been able to build that into your life ... it seems like not only a sign of healing you've achieved, but that it can be a source of ongoing healing
warm wishes :)
Hope -
I just wanted to reiterate how great it is that you remain emotionally available despite life's kicks and shoves. And the fact that you are working is, again, marvelous! Keep up the good work, I know you Will!
Hi BeHea1thy - It's helpful to hear that you also felt the SAME thing - because I did wonder if my comments might be valid, or whether part of me was resisting the possibility that there might be a T who could work with me - but honestly, I just think that if I can cope without going to see a T - that is what I'd prefer at present - but I also think that at least I have made contact with my previous T - and could do so again, if I felt I wasn't coping again. It's good to have that possibility - and now that I'm working again, I feel a bit more financially buoyant, and 'independent' - I don't wish to rely on my partner too much for money - and I have always made my own way in life - I have no idea why I'm saying that - it's almost like I feel the need to justify myself. Strange isn't it. Anyway, what I meant to say, BeHea1thy, is that I very much appreciate what you said. Thank you :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - Your comment made me think about it - and I think you're right, that I haven't given credit to how huge that is - the ability to trust - it is such a big thing, and thanks for stating that - I love ya too! :hug:
Hi Sj - Thank you for popping by my Journal - it's good to see you, and I appreciate it - I know I did the same in yours, and sometimes that feels strange when you're 'speaking' to someone you feel you don't know too well - but I'm so glad you did - and you're always welcome to pop by. I really appreciate what you said - and working again does feel like a huge step - although I'm doing different things now than my original employment - so it feels really strange in many ways - but I am adapting, and inbetween periods of what feel like 'sheer panic' - I think I am coping. I just have to slow myself down, and try breathing and telling myself I'm ok. Somehow that helps. (Don't know if you find hugs acceptable, but I'd like to extend a gentle one to you, if that's ok :hug:)
Hi Jdog - Thank you so much - and I valued the fact you said that I 'remain emotionally available' because that is something I would like to be. Thank you :hug:
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Journal Entry on 16th January 2019
I felt incredibly tired the past couple of evenings, and so I didn't get to come here to write - and I missed it, but I was just 'out of it' energywise. I didn't realise how much energy being back in the work place would take from me - and learning some new things - different to my previous employment - it's quite nerve-wracking. But also exciting at the same time. I ended up doing extra work in the evening last night - because I wanted to prepare for a meeting today - and my partner was a bit concerned about that - saying that I need to keep boundaries about work - and I know he's looking out for me, in saying that, and he's sensible too. So I'm going to try to keep sensible limits - and do my best to get a good balance.
I've had a social invite too - from a colleague - and I have accepted it, but already I want to get out of it - because I think that it feels a bit too much. Infact I doubt I'll manage it. I'll maybe think of an excuse not to go - as I am finding that I feel anxious just thinking about that.
I'll see how I feel about it tomorrow - there is still time to think about it a bit more. Decide what to do.
Hope :)
Hi BeHea1thy - thank you so much - I really appreciate the fact you mentioned the word 'choices' and that it's all about 'having choices' - because that really resonates with me, and I think that the area of 'choice' is something that I am only just beginning to appreciate - i.e. that I 'do' have choices. Thanks also for the support on the social invite thing - it was validating to see you say it's a 'good idea' to think about it more before deciding. Again, it's my 'choice' - this is very helpful. :)
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Journal Entry on 17th January 2019
I am feeling quite good this evening, and I think the day went well. I had less anxiety and uncertainty about things - I felt more in control of what I was doing - maybe more competence about it - and some confidence was there. I've been thinking about the social invite, and decided I will go - and see how it goes. There, that's a decision made. I think I'm ok with that. However, when the time comes - I'm not sure how I'll be. But I'll at least try - nothing ventured, nothing gained. Scary though. But I'll hopefully be ok. I'll try not to think about it too much.
I want to jot down a couple of things, to remind myself of themes that were going through my mind - this past couple of days or so:
a) That I have begun to experience some slightly older parts of me - who are making themselves more prominent, and I think I was about 11 years old or so - and I'm beginning to have flashbacks to events that happened when I was that age - and I'm beginning to process some things - and also look at what events were going on around that time, historically. I find it very hard to get a sense of my maturity levels at different ages, because somehow I feel like an adult in a child's body - even when I was small. Ironically I sometimes feel like I'm a child in an adult's body now that I'm an adult woman - that feels quite a bizarre thing in many ways - it's just occurred to me, it's the wrong way round - like I started off as an adult and gradually reversed to a younger and younger child.
b) I have now gone completely blank - I literally can't think what I was going to write - I thought I had a few things stacked up to write about - but now - it's like a blank.
I have to stop now anyway, as my partner is here and he wants to chat to me. So I'll stop now.
Hope :)
Back again - I will try to remember the things I wanted to mention - I'm hoping they might come to mind - I still feel a bit 'blank' - but there's stuff bubbling underneath, and I feel like I want to write something - so I'll just see what come up as I sit here:
I guess I feel some disappointment (in some ways) with the fact that I was beginning to make contact with the younger part of me - maybe round the age of a toddler or younger even - even a pre-verbal part - and I seem to have lost her - but there is an 11 year old part that is giving me memories and flashbacks of 'feeling' and 'sights' - I had also connected to the angry adolescent kind of part - maybe 17 years old, maybe even a bit older - I have no idea if I am labelling these parts correctly - it's just the feeling I get about their ages.
I haven't been ruminating about my FOO (parents) so much anymore - but I do still get thoughts about their potential older age and of course concerns for what will happen to them, or what might be happening to them. I can't get in touch with my feelings about certain aspects of how they treated me - I can't access anger - it's like I continually try to find a reason for how they were - but at the same time, I think that essentially they don't appear to have cared or loved me - despite the fact that I tried to be a 'good daughter' to them. I also feel like there's a naivety to myself - that I don't see the bad side of things - that I rub out any negative things - and I dissociate from them - I guess that I realise that is how I probably managed to cope and manage some intolerable emotions.
Interesting, because as I was writing that, flashes of my experience came to mind - some unpleasant memories - it's like there's a younger part who wants me to be reminded, and to hear her distress about that memory. I won't describe it here, as it's unpleasant - but it does remind me that my younger part wants me to write about it sometime, and so I am going to - but maybe not till the weekend, when I can be more safe - in that I can then go to bed and seek refuge there if I need to - I have work tomorrow, and want to make sure I get through that - and then I can focus on my inner life experiences on the weekend, and so writing this here, I can be reminded of my intention - and if I feel it's what I want to do - then that is what I'll do.
BeHea1thy's suggestion of 'choices' - it's refreshing - I do have choices - I can choose. But the thing is that often I don't know what I'd 'like' if that makes sense - so maybe my options are limited because essentially I don't know what I'd like - but the thing is that I am free to choose - and therefore it's an option.
This isn't necessarily making much sense, but I think it's good that I was able to write a bit more just now, as I feel better for having done so. I was beginning to feel a sense of angst building up inside and I didn't know what to do with that - so Journalling, it's helped.
Hope :)
Hi hope I'm glad your feeling better with work, and you are going to go to the social event,
Quote
[ I find it very hard to get a sense of my maturity levels at different ages, because somehow I feel like an adult in a child's body - even when I was small. Ironically I sometimes feel like I'm a child in an adult's body now that I'm an adult woman - that feels quite a bizarre thing in many ways -]
I was thinking the same thing just recently and thought that maybe it's because I'm looking at my childhood experiences through adult eyes, but I was put into a mothering role so maybe I was more mature minded :Idunno:
When I act child like now it's always around emotional issues so I think maybe we matured with "logic" and cut off "emotion" so were childlike emotionally and mature logically if that makes sense? Anyway you could be completely different just throwing it out there for consideration :wave:
Quote from: Hope67 on January 17, 2019, 07:55:03 PM
I haven't been ruminating about my FOO (parents) so much anymore - but I do still get thoughts about their potential older age and of course concerns for what will happen to them, or what might be happening to them. I can't get in touch with my feelings about certain aspects of how they treated me - I can't access anger - it's like I continually try to find a reason for how they were - but at the same time, I think that essentially they don't appear to have cared or loved me - despite the fact that I tried to be a 'good daughter' to them. I also feel like there's a naivety to myself - that I don't see the bad side of things - that I rub out any negative things - and I dissociate from them - I guess that I realise that is how I probably managed to cope and manage some intolerable emotions.
Hope, I think we all did what we needed to do in order to survive our situations. You may be dissociated now because you learned to dissociate then. I think dissociation can actually be valuable in some scenarios.
I also wouldn't worry too much about losing touch with your toddler little. She will present herself when you are ready. Also if could be that some of your littles contradict one another so they may not all feel comfortable presenting themselves at once.
Sending you love and support :hug:
Hi Wattlebird - thanks for what you wrote - it makes sense to me, and it's helpful. I really appreciate you sharing that thought - it adds something that is meaningful.
Hi Deep Blue - this has resonated with me, what you said - and I feel that I dissociate so frequently in all kinds of situations - and I was thinking back to past situations - and thinking about how I was probably 'going through' those things in a dissociated state - it's been interesting to 'look again' at situations, because there's a side of me that can then feel some empathy for my younger self - and think about how difficult it must have been for 'Little Hope' to cope in different situations, and I'm beginning to understand her more.
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Journal Entry on 19th January 2019
I realise I've just mentioned myself as if I'm talking 'about someone' - but it did feel appropriate - as I was thinking about how I have been looking at some past situations, and how I am beginning to empathise and offer some support to 'Little Hope' (and by 'Little Hope' I mean myself at various stages - there are quite a few parts/stages/ways - that I felt I was. I wish I could be consistent in my language and description of this, as I am not really sure how to say these things, and indeed, I'm not sure that there is a 'right' way - there's just whatever way helps - and I'm still finding my way.
I have to go now, as I need to do a few chores - but I hope to come back later - and maybe write some 'letters to' - or maybe even some communications from my other parts/littles/selves - because I know I feel like that would be helpful - and it feels like a good time to do it - to get those thoughts down and heard by people who understand - that process feels so helpful.
Hope :)
Sending support to adult Hope and her various littles. :hug:
Hi Jdog - :hug: to you, I really appreciate that support, thank you. :)
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Back again - still 19th January 2019 - I just wanted to write more notes to remind myself of what has been meaningful recently - and that has made sense. I found what Deep Blue said about how some of my Littles might not like the others, and might not be able to be around when certain ones are there - that had a prominent and powerful effect on me, and I really think that makes sense - i.e. why they don't seem to necessarily turn up at the same times - and I was thinking more about this, and began to wonder if I can compartmentalise them - i.e. there are some activities that I like to do, but feel that other parts of me don't like those - and therefore maybe I can leave certain parts of me in a safe place - where they can do things they like, and the ones who want to join me can. I think I already feel this in different situations, so maybe it might already be happening, but I'm wondering if I can have any influence on when and who joins me. Returning to a work environment has made me get in touch with a different part of myself - one that is organised and diligent - that does seem to be a personality trait that I would say 'was me' but at the same time, there are other parts of me that are at the other extreme of that - and I can end up leaving things in piles - i.e. a form of organisation but actually not very tidy - and then it feels shoddy.
As I write this, I'm feeling annoyed at myself, because what's coming to mind is the fact that I started doing 'compartmentalising' systems to try to separate my different experiences - I've tried files on the computer, I've got folders, I've cut out pictures, I've done various things - but I don't seem to 'see it through' - i.e. I end up never finishing anything! Like wanting to be creative - I occasionally dabble in trying to draw or paint something, and then I just stop - and don't continue anymore.
***Trigger warning: Mentioning slightly violent descriptions - but nothing graphic:
If I focus on imagery that's coming to mind at this moment - I'm feeling as if someone is inside me - and that they're 'hitting out' - almost as if they are in a padded room in the dark, and they're just flailing about trying to punch something.
I've been noticing a physical pain in my left temple - above my eye - this is the kind of pain I get when I'm experiencing communications from very young possibly pre-verbal Hope - so I never know what that is about, but I feel it. I also have a flashback to when I was very little - I don't know how old, but I remember seeing 'floaters' in my eyes - and this is disturbing me that I can remember that - and I wouldn't have known what they were - but I focused on them - they were physical at the time - and it disturbs me. I also have a visual memory of myself as a young girl, possibly 8 or 9 years old, and how I would stare at myself in the mirror, and I would actually imagine that I could change my shape and appearance - and I would stare for a longish time and then see if my reflection would alter - and sometimes it felt like it did.
I also felt triggered this morning when I was reading some writings from people discussing NPD and how they said that if you are parented by someone with NPD that you are likely to get C-PTSD - but that some people will label that person as being an 'empath' - and they said that was quite negative, because essentially they thought that someone should be supported and treated and helped to re-wire their brains - rather than being given a special label of an 'empath' - this affects me because my sister believes that she is an empath - and whilst I think that she may have developed the ability to read people's emotions etc - because of having had the same M as me - and treading on egg-shells to consider her moods, it doesn't mean she has powers beyond being an empathetic person.
I also feel some guilt that I didn't admit that I didn't believe the things she was telling me - but I tried to be open-minded and hear her - but of course in the end, our relationship broke down, as our differences came very much to the fore.
Now I feel distressed - emotions are surfacing - my throat felt tight, and I felt a surge of emotion - but writing about that, it has gone back down again. But I felt it 'at the time of writing' - rather than later, when re-reading. Maybe I'm more in the moment and focusing now - than normal. I don't know.
I think because I wrote earlier that I intended to come back to write some 'letters to - not to send' - that somehow I feel like I've set myself up to do that - and actually I don't feel ready to just now. Maybe tomorrow. I have choices, as BeHea1thy pointed out - and that resonated very much and made sense - I do have choices. But choices are difficult - but not impossible.
Now I feel a bit silly - writing this - but again, I'll leave it there. It has helped, and I feel ok for writing.
Hope :)
Ooh, Hope. I am so happy that you have started a job. Really impressed, in fact. I think that your partner is absolutely right to encourage you to step back a bit. I know I had the tendency to try too hard and it's not healthy in the long run. You are doing so well.
I hope that I might work again when the divorce is settled and I know where I am. I think I will try cleaning. I have cleaned a restaurant in the past and quite enjoyed working in the morning, on my own. I am much wiser about myself now, so hopefully I will cope better.
All the best, Hope. I hope to keep up with your journal a bit more, now that I am a bit less all over the place!
Libby.
Just wanted to send you some love and support Hope. :hug:
Hi Libby,
I am really happy to see your reply here today - it's good to hear from you, and thank you so much for your kind words re: my new job. I am also glad to hear that you've already got some thoughts about your future employment - I think that you know yourself the best of anyone - to know what might be a manageable job, and I hope you cope ok when you do start something. I also wish you the very best - and I hope that your divorce process will go ok and things will settle so you can focus on life ahead and hopefully some positive experiences to come. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Thank you so much :hug: - that means a lot. :)
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Journal Entry on 20th January 2019
It's Sunday and I hope to catch up on a few chores, but also allow time to do something that will be relaxing as well - probably just reading some newspapers - and I need to find a 'non-Christmas' dot-to-dot book - as my Littles like doing those - it provides me with some tranquil yet focused time.
I want to mention that I have literally been having some 'aha' moments at night - last night - it was like a part of me kept 'showing me' flashes of insight, and when I forgot those things later in the night, that part showed me them again - the thing is that I can't remember what it was - in the light of day - but it was really special to feel the connection, and to see the links at the time, so I am hoping that if I keep a pad of paper by my bedside, that if that happens again, I will jot down some notes no the experience and the insight.
Also, the night before last, my partner told me that I had been gripping his arm really tightly - and that he had ended up having a bad dream, and that as a result of that he had started to whimper in pain and distress, and that I had apparently then woken and started to comfort him! I had remembered him whimpering in his sleep - and I remember comforting him, as I thought he was having a bad dream, and so I just spoke to him and said 'It's ok, you're safe - it's just a bad dream'. We laughed about it in the light of day, when he told me this, as I didn't realise that it had been my gripping him extra tight that had then caused his dreams - and lead to my comforting him.
What is positive about all of this, is that previously I was anxious and upset about my night-time experiences, but now I've gained more knowledge about complex PTSD - through my reading and through talking to people in this forum, now I am experiencing less of them, but when they do happen, I'm coping so much better. I think this is really good. I am relieved.
I am hoping to summarise the next chapter of my Dissociation book this afternoon - and I'm looking forward to reading it. I don't know what it is about - as I can't remember the title of the chapter, but providing it's something I can cope with today, I will do that.
Hope :)
Great progress, Hope. Being able to just examine feelings, dreams, and interactions without becoming upset all over again when encountering the memories of these is a very big step toward integrating things into a whole framework.
Thanks so much Jdog - this means a lot that you said this. :hug:
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Still 20th January 2019 - I've got to p.161 of my Dissociation book, in the summary - and I'm feeling a bit spaced out and dizzy now. I feel sure it's a reaction from parts of me that are not so sure they like me doing this work - and I realise that Chapter 7 is talking of 'avoidant parts' - and I do relate to that - I feel that some parts are less keen for me to focus on things - but at the same time, I'm trying to pace it so they will be alongside me in this. I'm going to take a break for the rest of the evening. Relax and do something to hopefully chill out.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 21st January 2019
My partner told me that I was shouting out in my sleep last night, saying 'Noooo, Noooo' - but I have absolutely no memory of doing that - I wasn't aware of it at all. I don't remember any nightmares, or unusual disturbances, I think I slept ok! So that was interesting - because I do remember as I was falling asleep, that I was trying to communicate with my littles, and telling them that it was ok if they wanted to show me anything from their past. So maybe, one of them did, and I acted out my distress by shouting 'Noooo, Noooo' - whilst asleep, but in the light of day, I've not been even able to remember that at all. I don't know.
My partner asked me what I'd been doing to cause that - and I just said that I'm continuing to 'work on myself' - in terms of trying to help myself - and I can see that he is concerned for me when I say that - I think he wants me to put it all behind me, and just move forwards - but I don't think he realises that I'm scared that if I don't work things out and move forward that I'll end up not coping at some point in the future. I do fear that. I really want to progress and I do feel as if I am progressing and finding out more 'realizations' - which are helping me.
Hope :)
Just popping by to give you a kind hug tonight :hug: I hope all your parts are kind to you tonight.
Hope,
You seem to have good communication with your partner. What you wrote about working through it is coherent and well said. Maybe you can tell him?
Love ya!
Hello Hope, I really get what you said about wanting to work on yourself and not 'move on' until you have some kind of understanding, for fear this will just come back again in future. I have the same outlook, I feel that if I don't deal with this right now it will be with me always. It has been with me for so long, I want to try and work through it. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Sceal - thank you so much, and a kind hug back to you :hug: - I think my parts were kind to me last night. I slept well. :)
Hi Deep Blue - Love ya too - :hug: You know - I have told him pretty much what I said there before, but somehow I think he still worries - so that's a repetition thing really - he tends to say that when he knows I've had a disturbed night, like he worries that I've been delving into things again. I think maybe his way would be not to - and he maybe doesn't understand why I constantly focus on my inner world. I appreciate that you said I wrote it in a coherent way. Thank you. It doesn't often feel coherent.
Hi SharpAndBlunt - Thank you so much for saying that - it is very validating to hear. I hope we can work through these things - I really do. Thanks for coming by, and you're welcome anytime. I appreciate being able to talk to people who understand.
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Journal Entry on 22nd January 2019.
I had to go to bed after I got home today - I was in an EF - I felt very isolated at the time, and felt like me and my littles needed to be in the dark and comfort of my bed - I guess it was partly because it was cold at home when I returned - the weather is really cold, and the house was cold, and my bed felt inviting - so I stayed there for about an hour - and just stayed with my feelings, and after about an hour I felt a bit better. I feel a lot better now - but it wasn't a good feeling - I almost felt as if I was being punished by some part of me that was unhappy about the fact I've been writing here in the forum. Because last night, during the evening, I kept feeling guilty, feeling bad, and feeling as if something catastrophic was going to happen, and it was as if there was a part of me that was mortified that I'd dared to break free from my FOO - that I was estranged at all - and wanted to know why I wasn't still with them.
As I write about this, I'm noticing a painful kind of twisting in my tummy area, nothing too painful, just enough to notice. I also feel as if I might have eaten something that doesn't agree with me, so maybe I am just reacting to that - maybe I 'have' eaten something that wasn't properly cooked or maybe I've got the start of something - I don't know. Maybe it's just the after-effects of the EF.
I also had thoughts last night that were such that I was thinking that people might think I was crazy if they knew what goes through my mind. But essentially it's nothing bad.
I also read a bit of 'The Little Princess' tonight - because I thought it would calm Little Hope - but actually the content of that book is disturbing me as well - because I realised that as a small child I think I was identifying with themes in that book - themes of appearing to have lots of nice things (i.e. being clothed and fed and having a doll made for me like the one that the main character had) and yet being emotionally barren of love and affection - when her father died. Not having a M who was loving or caring to her. That character (Sara) had to fend for herself and work out who the good people were in her environment, and that is how I felt during my childhood - like I was alone emotionally.
I do feel the need to write a 'letter to' and I think I'm going to do it now. I'm not sure what I'll say, but I'm going to try it, as I feel like I need to get some things out.
Hope :)
I just tried to start a letter (not to send) but I literally can't bring myself to do it. I know that I have parts that are reluctant to write at the moment, so I am going to listen to them, and I'll maybe think of another way - as I was writing, they were clamouring and telling me it wasn't a good idea. They seemed concerned that my FOO might somehow read the content, and they thought it was too identifying - as I wrote some details there. Also, as I wrote, I found my body was reacting more - physically feeling resistance there.
I've just been reading Chapter 7 of the Treating Dissociation book - and I'm going to heed what was written there, about learning more grounding techniques to stay in the present, and also to create inner safe places for parts stuck in trauma-time. Also understanding and gaining some collaboration with all my parts, to enable me to be able to maybe write more about my feelings and thoughts - to enable me to process things and move forward.
I'm writing this here, to remind me of these goals.
I think I'm also extra anxious at the moment, because I've agreed to a social invite from a work colleague - it's happening tomorrow. I am feeling ridiculously anxious about it - I want to cancel it. I am going to try not to cancel it though. :aaauuugh:
There's a strict and judgemental part of me telling me off now, telling me I'm being melodramatic and I should stop it. I'm wondering if that's an inner critic part. I'm trying to consider terms to describe my parts, and I still haven't really got my head around that.
I remember that WhoBuddy used some soft animals to represent parts - I need to think more about it.
I've been watching TV programmes that are potentially very triggering too - and I realise I tend to do that to myself. I wonder if I am just wanting to punish myself. My partner told me that I will sometimes end up carrying too many things at once - and he wonders if I do that to punish myself somehow. This made me wonder about it. He could be right. I'm beginning to consider some aspects of my behaviour and how I am which are contradictory in some ways.
I notice, as I write this, that I'm able to write here - and it contrasts to when I tried to do a 'Letter to' just now - I couldn't do it, so I abandoned it. Glad I was able to come back to my Journal and write something, as I do feel better for it - getting something out.
I will do my best to see it through tomorrow - I want to do that social thing - even though I feel scared about it. I think it will be good for me to 'do it' - so I'll do my best.
I do feel a bit sick now, so I do wonder if I've eaten something. I'll try to have an early night.
Hope :)
Best wishes for your social engagement.
xo wb
Frequently when I go to write something, my mind just goes blank. I do this face to face as well. Now that I understand more about EFs, I think this is an indication for me that I'm having one. I have read that certain areas of the brain responsible for processing language have been shown to go dark during brain scans when the test subject is having an EF, while the visual area(s) light up like a Christmas tree.
Starting about page 40 in The Body Keeps The Score, there is a description of a procedure in which a participant underwent a brain scan while triggered into an EF. I've attached a pic from the book showing an area responsible for speech and language (Broca's area) which is dark but the visual area is activated.
My "parts" are less defined, but I do get a sense of one of them actively stifling my attempts at communication at times.
I hope your social thing is enjoyable. :hug:
(I guess the picture needs to be approved by a moderator before it's visible.)
I echo Wattlebird's sentiment, Hope.
Hi Wattlebird & Jdog, Thank you both for your kind words on my social engagement - it's gone ok! I made it through! I didn't cancel, and it was ok! I am so relieved. Having your support definitely helped me - I appreciate it so much. :) :hug: :hug:
Hi Three Roses - I really like your new icon picture - it is lovely. Thanks also for your supportive words about my Social occasion, and it went ok! You said you hoped it was enjoyable, and parts of it was definitely so - so that was a good outcome. I really related to what you said about the EF and when the mind goes blank, and I think I was in an EF much longer than I realised - and infact I think I've been going in and out of them today - I'll write about that more in my Journal entry in a moment, but I wanted to thank you - for reminding me of the Broca's area stuff - which I remember reading (again from yourself) in the past - and it's very helpful information. It was also interesting to hear that you also get a sense of one of your parts actively stifling your attempts at communicating at times. Mine does that too, I think so. I can't see the picture you mentioned, but I might try to find it online - or have a look in 'The Body Keeps the Score' book - as I do have that - but bizarrely I can't remember where I've put it - and I truly think that sometimes some parts of me 'lose' these things - possibly on purpose. But I can't be sure. I know it will be safe somewhere - I just need to find them. Anyway, thank you. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 23rd January 2019
I had a dream last night where I ended up thinking that my FOO (parents) had come to stay with me - and then I ended up 'moving house' in order to escape them! It was like I couldn't speak to them directly to tell them how I was feeling, or that I didn't want them around, and I had to physically escape by basically running away. Bizarrely (or maybe understandably) I used to almost have fantasies when I was a small child where I wanted to run away from home - and escape. It was like I thought it would be wonderful to be able to get away.
In the light of day, it makes me realise that I've never really been able to talk to them about anything - nothing meaningful at all - ever. I've not even attempted to - because it's not been possible. They've never allowed me to, and they've always shut down any attempts to do so. I think I'm beginning to get in touch more with some feelings of anger about this, and unfortunately I think an angry part of me was more prominent today - especially when I got back home and was interacting with my partner, he told me that I seem very snappy and different to how I normally am. I realised that I'm feeling 'full of' some stronger emotions - annoyance perhaps, and some anger. At least I was earlier in the evening - I seem to be calmer and less in touch with any emotion right now as I write this.
I once again read a bit more of 'A Little Princess' - and what struck me when reading it is how much I empathised with the hurt that she felt when her father died (in the story) and she was turned from believing she was cared for and loved, to being distraught and fatherless and also that she became a 'beggar' (described as such by the narrator in the story) - she had believed that she was loved because her father had showered her with material things - and this reminds me of my M making me the doll and creating the clothes, and how I thought she cared for me - but the reality is that I feared them both in different ways - and I didn't feel love from either of them - not when I analyse the reality of it - and also - all the time, I feared that I would be cast out of the family and would be destitute - almost like the character in A Little Princess became a poor girl with no one to care for her - because my sister had disappeared from our family when I was only 6 years old, and I never knew where she had gone, or what had happened to her - not till I was able to find her decades later. So that story resonates with me in many ways, and I also feel very emotional as I read it, because I think that Little Hope felt a lot of feelings at the time when she first read it - and so maybe reading it again, gets me in touch with Little Hope's feelings more.
I have also contacted a friend who I knew when I was in my early 20's - and have kept in touch with over the years, and I had told her about my estrangement and more about my personal circumstances, and she had responded with such lovely compassion and understanding - that I felt humbled by that. Anyway, she has told me that she has some letters that I wrote to her during that time in my life - and she's going to send me them so I can re-read things I wrote at that age - but she warned me that I might be upset by the content - as she said it might evoke some powerful memories - she said it had caused her to have strong emotions when she had read the letters again - so I am now wondering what I wrote to her. Apparently I had written about some personal things in the letters - and I'm intrigued as to what I said. Hopefully I'll know soon. She said she'd send them over in a couple of days or so.
I've just remembered too, that last night I was experiencing visual hallucinations again - in that I could clearly see things as if they were on a TV screen, and each time I looked, the view was different - it seemed to be places in buildings with tables, chairs, sofas, that kind of thing - but actually nowhere I could recognise as having been to before. That is bizarre, as I felt as if I was more 'awake' at the time it was happening, but I couldn't be sure if I was - I always attribute that kind of experience to being in a hypnogogic state - between waking and sleeping, and so to feel as if I was more 'awake' is a bit disconcerting. I don't entirely understand it. But I don't worry about it - either. Because it's just something that happens.
Hope :)
Hi BeHea1thy - thank you so much. I can't say more than that just now, as I am quite tired. But I appreciate what you said. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 25th January 2019
I am feeling very tired - so I am hoping to relax on the weekend and hopefully get some energy back. Can't say any more than that just now - but wanted to write something.
Hope :)
:hug:
Hope-
I'm right there with you in needing replenished energy from the weekend!!
Hi Three Roses & Jdog - thank you both very much :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 27th January 2019
I seem to have ended up having a few EF's lately - and haven't felt able to pinpoint the triggers for them - except that things have felt a bit over-whelming. I tried to relax over the weekend, but I don't seem to be able to quieten my mind - and I am feeling quite out of sorts - in various ways. Also I had to deal with some social things - involving my partner's family - and I guess that was anxiety-provoking for me, even though I get along with them reasonably well - I guess it was just something that I couldn't avoid, and felt I had to face, and maybe it was just a bit too much to handle.
I am getting a bit of a crisis of confidence about my ability to work as well - and wondering if I can keep my new job going or not - as I feel over-whelmed with some of the aspects and things I'm trying to handle there.
I wanted to read my Dissociation book over the weekend, but didn't get round to it - and I was trying to get other stuff done at home - things that need doing - and even that feels like I couldn't do it - so I am feeling a bit exasperated at myself.
Thinking of some potential triggers - I have been affected by some things that an old friend has said - and that opened up some memories for me - and evoked another 'part' of me - I think that's what happened, and now I'm finding it hard to try to handle that. I also felt some extreme sadness about my situation - i.e. that I am estranged from my own family - but yet, I feel I can't re-establish contact as that would be too distressing - and somehow I feel like I've 'failed' and in some ways I feel I'm blaming myself. I realise I probably should try not to do that, but I think that is what is happening. It's like I feel as if I am to blame for most things that seem to happen to me in my life.
The way I feel tonight - I'm wondering if I can even cope with going to work tomorrow - but I hope that I'll feel better after sleeping - as last night I didn't sleep very well and woke really early - which is unusual for me. I normally sleep till about 7am or so, but I woke at 4.30am instead. So that wasn't good.
I also have horrible indigestion right now - it's very painful down my right-hand side - and I feel bloated. Maybe that's not helping things. Feeling like this, isn't a nice feeling. I am moaning now - but it's good to write about it. It does feel like a release of sorts.
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi hope
It's awful to feel so overwhelmed
Sounds like a variety of things has thrown you off balance, try to focus on one at a time, too much at once is overwhelming, :hug:
:hug:
Hello Hope,
Sometimes my triggers are really deep and they blindside me. Those ones take a long time to process.
I also can get exasperated with myself and I have similar worries about my family.
I think what Wattlebird said about trying to focus on one thing at a time is good advice. It helps me to do that.
Another thing that helps me is a deep breathing exercise. 5 minutes starts to ground me. I breathe in for a count of 5 through the nose and out for a count of 5 through the mouth. It is not easy for me because usually I am panicking but if I can do it it helps.
I hope this is OK to give you that advice as you might already know about it. Sending you best wishes for everything.
SaB
:hug:
:hug: :grouphug: to you Hope.
I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed atm. I'm not really surprised though because you've only just recently started a new job after not working professionally for a couple of years. Though you have been working really hard on yourself, but that's a different type of work altogether. Usually any little change for me brings on feelings of being overwhelmed, so that's why I'm not surprised.
Is it possible for you to reduce pressure in areas of life other than work for a couple of months? Like maybe not have to socialise with your partner's family? I would hope your partner and his family would accept that you're focussing on your job, even if they maybe don't understand.
Thank you everyone for what you said - I have appreciated all your replies - and took them all on board - and I am just so grateful that you're here - because when I came in to the forum yesterday - I didn't feel able to write anything, but reading what each of you had said, it really helped me. So thank you so much :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 29th January 2019
I wasn't up to writing anything yesterday - and even today - I was panicking and feeling so over-whelmed for much of the evening - and suddenly I feel a lot better - it's like something literally switched in my brain - and right now, I feel ok. I was beginning to wonder about whether I was going to collapse and not be able to function properly anymore - and I realise now, in the light of day - that it was basically a massive series of EF's - or something like that - and especially the very physical feelings and nausea I was experiencing - the indigestion type painful stuff that was going on a couple of days ago - I think I was in touch with some really strong stuff from my past - and thrown back into a time that my body remembered, but my mind couldn't relate to why I felt that way. I don't understand it - in terms of exactly what it meant, but I do realise that it's relating to a period in my life when I was aged between 12 and 20 years of age - and for some reason my memories for the physical surroundings of my life at that time are extremely patchy - I can't remember lots of things, but hearing from my old friend and reading some letters I had written at the age of 18 or 19 years of age, they opened some memories, and evoked a part of me that I had buried - but which I now realise holds some keys to understanding things more.
So I think this is progress, but I hadn't realised how much feeling these emotions would throw me off kilter. I also think that being back in a working role again has re-opened the 'work' part of my character - and I realise that I am less resilient than perhaps I was when I was younger. But at the same time, I am more experienced in life now - and there is an adult work side of me that feels professional and also that feels as if I am respected by colleagues - they seem to like me, and I feel comfortable with most of them. So that is good. I am less comfortable with some digital aspects of things - but I'm doing my best to learn and become comfortable with things I need to do.
There is also going to be the potential to do some work from home - so I am considering that - but I am not sure if that would work out or not - as I wonder if I will actually be able to focus - or not. But basically as long as my work projects are completed, that is the main thing, so I need to think about this, and work things out.
Thanks again to Three Roses, Wattlebird, SharpAndBlunt, BeHea1thy, and Blueberry - for the really great things you each said, and for your support and your understanding. I appreciated all your suggestions too - and I think they are really helpful. I could hear each of your words and suggestions in my head, from time to time, and I did try each thing - and they did work. So thank you all. Blueberry, I wish I could work out a way to reduce the social stuff related to my partner's family - but the thing is that I don't think they'd understand that at all - because in their minds, they aren't putting any pressure on me, I think it's more in my own mind that pressure exists - mainly because I am horribly hyper-vigilant, and go through phases where I think that they will consider me 'weird' - I doubt that they do think that - when I push myself to think of the reality of it, but at the same time, there's part of me that is convinced that they will find me 'weird'. I'm not sure if this makes sense, as it doesn't sound well thought-out. But anyway, I've said it.
Another thing that really helped me was when I re-read the early part of my Journal - and realised the things I've written about over the past couple of years of being here - and how much I've progressed in that time - honestly, I didn't realise how much I had written about my past and about my sister and my FOO - it's like I forget what I write, and then my inners tell me 'Don't tell them' 'Keep it to yourself' - but it's already written about - and nothing bad has happened - I've only felt compassion from people here - and understanding. This has made me braver to speak to some friends IRL - and they have similarly been compassionate too - so I wish I'd been able to be open from a younger age - and that I'd not ended up passing through life trying to cope on my own, and not sharing things.
But it's not too late - I am in my early 50's now, and hopefully there are some decades left to enjoy a more balanced life perspective.
I can't believe that I'm writing this - because about an hour earlier, I was having a crisis of confidence, and feeling very over-whelmed - it's amazing how contrasting things can be. Moment to moment.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: to everyone here - I am so grateful to be part of this community.
Hope :)
Hope-
Definitely some decades remain for you to enjoy. You are seeing for yourself how much you have healed by just reading back on your earlier posts. And your partner sounds great and so supportive. You are succeeding on your job, even when it doesn't quite feel the same as you remember from previous work experiences.
You have a great deal about which to be proud. Congrayulations!
Hi Jdog,
Thank you - I am so lucky to have my partner in my life - he is very supportive. My work is going ok - I am adjusting to it, and in many ways it's better than past work experiences. Thanks for your kind words - and I realy appreciate them. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 30th January 2019
I had a horrible dream last night - where I thought my F had died - it was like I saw him very clearly - and it made me jump up and awaken, and my partner told me that I might even have jumped out of bed, but he couldn't be sure, as it was dark - but apparently I had said to him 'Can you give me a minute' - and then I had explained that I'd been shocked by dreaming that my F had died. I still feel shaken by that. I guess it's worse in that I won't probably know when something does happen. Also, that I don't know what I would do at such news - even if I knew.
Anyway, today has been ok - I've had a relatively good day.
I have some time off on Friday and also early next week - so I have a long weekend to look forward to - I am thinking of possibly taking some time away from the internet - and I would like to try to read some books and magazines - so I might not be around in here for a few days - I feel the need to relax and just 'be' with my inner parts - allowing them to communicate with me as they want to - and I think that taking a break will be a good thing. Also, my partner mentioned that we could take some day trips over the weekend as well - so I am thinking that will be a nice thing to do.
Hope :)
Hi hope
I'm glad you seem to be past those efs
Look after yourself
:hug:
Nothing to say, just :hug: for you.
:heythere: Great job coping with stresses, Hope.
Hi Hope :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you so much for everything you wrote here - and I am glad you're part of this forum - thank you :hug:
Hi Wattlebird - I appreciate what you said, and thank you :hug:
Hi Three Roses - I always appreciate your hugs - thank you so much :hug:
Hi Jdog - Thanks so much - I appreciate what you said. :hug:
Hi Andyman - So lovely to return here to find such lovey big hugs from you :bighug:
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Journal Entry on 8th February 2019
I have had a break from technology - outside work-time that is, and it was really beneficial to me - but I missed being here in this forum, and it's good to be back. I missed everyone here - but thought of you in my mind - which was helpful in many ways.
I am hoping to get back to some reading on the Dissociation book - hopefully will have a look at the next chapter over the weekend.
Hope :)
I'm impressed with your ability to take breaks from technology. I wish I had your strength, I've just simply no idea what to do with myself at home in that case.
Glad to have you back though! :hug:
Dear Sceal, Thank you so much - I think that it might be because I'm older - and was used to there not being any technology when I was younger - that I cope with breaks from it now. I'm not sure. But I think it helps me a lot to take a break now and then - and so I do it - and find that I am calmer as a result. I appreciate that you think it is a strength - I hadn't thought of it that way - thank you. :hug: I'm glad to be back here - and missed everyone, even though I wasn't away all that long. It felt like a longer time!
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Journal Entry on 9th February 2019
Now that the weekend is here and I have some time ahead of me that I can focus on things I'd like to do, somehow I am feeling a bit lost as to what to do and how to spend my time. I have lots of housework stuff I could do, and there are also some things I've been putting off doing - that I could do. But I don't feel like doing any of those things - and I'm experiencing that hollow kind of hopeless feeling inside - so I'm wondering which parts of me are communicating that. I'm wondering what that part/parts need - and how I can hope to respond.
I think I need to write more about my inner thoughts and feelings but there are resistant parts of me at the moment who aren't feeling comfortable with me doing that. But I intend to overcome that - and hopefully write more when I can - so that's my hope - and I know it will help me to do so.
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: I know those hollow feelings inside too.
Yes I know you that hallow feeling as well, :hug:
QuoteI intend to overcome that
... and I have confidence in you, in your ability to do just that and also to know the timing. You are an inspiration to me.
Dear Blueberry, Wattlebird & Three Roses,
Thank you all for what you wrote - I feel the compassion and understanding from you all - and you all inspire me. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Journal entry on 9th February 2019.
I've just written about Chapter 8 of the Dissociation book, and whilst I was processing the words of that book, I realised that I felt more emotional - as there were particular sections that resonated more with me, and also there was part of the chapter that made me feel more uncomfortable as well - so I wanted to come back here and write about it, whilst it's fresh in my mind. It's on p.172 and is a list of questions that looks at activities in daily life - and says this: "When a patient is producing hundreds of pages of journaling every week, at what price are these writings produced, and what is being neglected in daily life? What is happening with the patient's children, partner, friends, work, study, household chores, and bills? What is the purpose of the writing? Is it perhaps an avoidance of dealing with daily life, which feels overwhelming or boring? Does the patient feel unheard and unseen unless mass quantities of information are given? Does the patient feel the therapist cannot possibly understand unless he knows every detail and nuance? Is the writing actually an avoidance of fully accepting what happened? Is the patient suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and is the writing a symptom of that particular problem? The function of the writing becomes the focus, rather than the content of the writing." - Literally, that has made parts of me uncomfortable, because I wonder whether my seeking answers through reading and then journaling, whether I am avoiding actually processing - but I know that a consequence of doing this has been that I am 'feeling more' things - and making more realisations.
I have literally felt 'hollow' and 'empty' for a great part of today - and I couldn't bring myself to do anything - I was sitting and really not doing anything much. My partner has gone to bed - as he was tired - and sometimes I would have joined him in doing that - as it's a safe retreat to cocoon in bed - but I stayed with my uncomfortable feeling - and tried to understand it. But I'm not sure I really got anywhere - it just felt incredibly frustrating and also quite pointless - and that made me feel worse.
So in the end I reached for the Dissociation book and started to read it and summarise it - and tried to note how I was feeling as I read it. I think I was able to stay more in the moment whilst I read it - but I felt uncomfortable about the section I wrote out above - the questions about the impact on daily life of the focus on writing, or journaling etc. I recognise the avoidant aspects of myself - that I can't trust in even seeing a medical person, let alone go to see a therapist. I have seen a therapist in the past, but there is a large part of me that is reluctant to take me there again.
I think I'm scared of some things - what might be realised. But I am eager to uncover them at the same time.
When I saw the replies here from Blueberry and Wattlebird and Three Roses, I felt a whoosh of emotion - feeling a sense of validation - of true empathy - and it causes me to feel a lump in my throat of emotion - and brings tears to my eyes - but it's a good feeling - at the same time. Weirdly, I am experiencing tinnitus in my ear quite strongly at the same time.
I am glad I came here today and wrote this - I think I feel better for doing so.
Hope :)
I agree with behealthy
I discussed with my t this week wether she thought I was spending too much time on myself, seems to be a common fear in recovery, she said no by the way.
I was reading about how to identify emotions and one helpful thing was to try and identity when you have felt the same in the past or what it reminds you of, this helps me sometimes.
I think you are doing a wonderful job of learning about yourself without a therapist, there may come a time when you want to get one but you are processing and learning a lot on your own.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you - it has really helped me to read what you wrote here - I find that when I'm reading or trying to process things that I end up with various altercations amongst my various parts - and I think that my inner or outer critics have a go as well - and clearly they focused on those questions that I copied - and I began to feel uncomfortable - and that feeling grew. But you're right, they are referring to 'hundreds of pages weekly' rather than the level I've been doing - I guess it's probably some guilt about addressing my own needs - when I've been trained or encouraged to look to the needs of my FOO in the past - I do feel better balanced today - this morning - so that's good! Thanks again for your reply and also for your perspective, which I think is well balanced and healthy - living up to your name 'BeHea1thy' :hug:
Hi Wattlebird - Thank you so much - your reply is so helpful too - and thank you for validating my progress so far - I do feel like I am making progress, but it's good to hear someone say it at the same time. It was helpful to hear that your T spoke of the common fear in recovery of spending too much time on oneself, and that she didn't think you were doing that. I am going to take that on board myself, and I hope to continue with my current path - because I feel like it's getting somewhere helpful. :hug: to you and thanks for your support and encouragement.
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Journal Entry on 10th February 2019
When I think back on yesterday, I wonder if maybe I was in an EF for quite a bit of the day - it was hard for me to do anything for most of the day - but I managed to finally focus in the end, and was glad that I got back to my Dissociation book and did the chapter - it was helpful but it also evoked some internal criticism and confusion amongst different parts of me, but thankfully after a night's sleep, I have awoken feeling somewhat better - more centred and balanced and calmer.
I did have the experience of what I think might have been some de-personalization though - in that whilst I was getting dressed, I felt as if my body was much larger than it actually is - i.e. as if there was a Little Hope there in my big adult body - and she was surprised at how big the body was. I have felt that sense before, but haven't considered what was going on - but today I just thought - this is feeling depersonalised and I just tried to remain calm, and thankfully now I'm up and dressed - I'm feeling more in proportion to myself again.
I feel as if I could do more things today - so I'm going to try to do some of them, as I do have quite a lot of things I need to do today - and I will try to do them - with this renewed sense of energy that I think I have at this moment.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 12th February 2019
I feel some more realisations in terms of beginning to feel some anger - and writing about it - I made a start. Such a physical reaction though.
I have been beginning to get in touch with an older part of me - a teenage part - probably aged between 17 and 19 years of age, and also myself aged 11 to 16 years as well - and beginning to think about flashbacks of memory from those times.
I realise that I have got times mixed up - things that I thought had happened at certain ages, were not in the right place, and the fragments are now beginning to make better sense - in that I can put them in a time framework, but it has been disconcerting to realise my inaccuracies - but I think it makes sense - as I was fragmented and the memories reflect that.
Hope :)
Hi hope,
I've just been reflecting on memories in a similar way and have problems matching them to say where I lived or worked at the time, my life outside the memory that is. As you say I've realised it was fragmented and not in a timeline.
As you say it's disconcerting
Best wishes hope :hug:
Hi Wattlebird - Yes, it is disconcerting, and thank you for sharing your experience and validating this - because it helps to know that I'm not alone with this. Best wishes to you too :hug:
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Journal entry on 13th February 2019
Regarding my anger, I have found that it has surfaced more - and that I am carrying it around with me in my daily life - things are annoying me more than they normally would, and even people - e.g. I have felt some irritation occasionally even to my partner, and I realise that he's not done anything to justify that feeling, and therefore I am wondering if my angry teen parts are hanging around and affecting me. My relationship with work colleagues is going ok - and I am not experiencing any irritation there - maybe these things end up being pushed onto the people we care about the most, because they are a safe place to project them, but I am keen not to express my irritation to my partner, as he does not deserve it.
So I am left with the quandary of how best to address this anger, and what to do with it. I feel as if I should write some letters directed to my FOO - to express it there - but I realise that I have some avoidance about that - and whilst part of me wants to do that, I actually fear what I'll end up saying. But maybe I should just go for it, and see what happens.
However, I want to wait till the weekend, as I feel that I need to reign in my emotions for this week - and keep myself together - and I fear falling apart if I express myself. But maybe this is part of my problem - that I fear losing control of my emotions, and I fear the anger and what might happen if I express it too much.
I think I was dreaming more last night, but I can't recall the content - which is disappointing as I would like to know the themes of my dreams. They are not nightmares or night terrors, which is good - I've not had those for a long time now - which is a positive thing.
Someone gave me some very positive feedback on my work today - which made me feel good.
I feel quite tired - so I'm going to have a rest and relax now.
Hope :)
Hope-
I know what you mean about feeling unwarranted amounts of anger toward people in my current world. For me, it seems that students sometimes trigger me in ways that make me uncomfortable. So, it may be teenaged me responding to bullying I once endured. Regardless, it is our current awareness that allows for change and growth.
Kudos to you on all of your growth!
Hope, I am a mish-mash of emotions, and I usually try to wait until I am calmer until I analyse them. I have been hiding my emotions for so long, from myself as well as others, the work of recognising and identifying the feelings are still new to me.
I also get the thing where I can't remember my dreams. I used to get night terrors frequently. Fortunately not any more. Now, my dreams are recurring and disturbing and though I can't remember the details I trust these will come in time too.
Recovery is slow but worthwhile work and I recognise a lot of the things you are writing about. My thanks to you for sharing. :)
SaB
Hi Jdog - Thank you - I appreciate you offering me Kudos and for saying what you said. :hug:
Hi SaB - I appreciate all you said here, and thank you for sharing your thoughts - I am glad to hear that you don't get night terrors as frequently any more - it's good that the frequency is less. I agree that recovery is slow but worthwhile work - and here's to us continuing on, and hopefully getting where we need/want to be with it. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 15th February 2019
I am happy that i've got through the week, and I am glad it's a weekend now. I feel tired, but not too over-tired - and I am hoping to get things done this weekend, and I've made a list.
TW- mentioning some violence related words/themes in this next paragraph
Last night I felt incredibly angry - it was like there was a very very angry part of myself that had awakened, and didn't like the fact my partner was even in the bed! I kept hearing swear words from that part - and violent thoughts - wanting to punch/hit/defend - and yet the only thing that my partner was doing was struggling to sleep himself, and therefore making a few more noises and movements than normal. This was worrying for me, because I was trying to tell myself that I was safe, and that there wasn't anything to defend or protect myself from, and yet it was like there was a part of myself that was literally seething in anger.
End of TW
I am feeling much calmer today and the anger seems to have left me. I am relieved - because it felt like it had blended with me last night - and I feared that I might lash out in my sleep and possibly do something that I wasn't in control of. Thankfully I fell asleep and slept ok.
Hope :)
That must have been scary, I'm glad you are feeling better today, I'm getting surges of anger as well, it's horrible, I feel empathy for your scared part but I'm scared of mine, maybe I should be feeling empathy for my part :stars:
Sending hugs to help :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi Wattlebird, Thank you so much for the hugs :hug: :hug: and I want to extend empathy to you for your feelings of being scared by your angry part - I understand what you're saying there. I've just been summarising Chapter 9 of my version of the Dissociation book, and it made sense in terms of things that were said in that chapter - I can't say more than that right now, as I'm feeling a bit physically nauseous, from having read that book and processed some of the things that were in it. I don't think that some of my dissociative parts were handling it too well - but I have got through it...
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Journal Entry on 16th February 2019
Today has been a strange day - I've procrastinated for much of it - ended up going to bed for a large chunk of the afternoon, but this evening I've managed to summarise Chapter 9 of the Dissociation book - although I feel physically sick now. But I related to so much that was said in that chapter, and I do want to write more about my experiences on a personal level - I wrote a note in there with some stars *** to remind me of something I wanted to write about - but I don't think I can do it yet - maybe another day. I realise I am scared of over-loading myself or doing things too quickly. I need to pace myself.
I'm going to try to relax for the rest of the evening. I still have time tomorrow to do some things I want to do. So I hope that I'll be able to achieve some of them tomorrow.
Hope :)
Hi BeHea1thy - Your reply has been so helpful - I read it earlier today and thought that your suggestion of "Weekend space without agendas might be just the ticket" - I thought 'Yes! Just the ticket!" - so thank you - I spent today without an agenda, and it was an enjoyable day. I felt more at ease and relaxed and it was a good feeling. So thank you so much! :hug:
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Journal Entry on 17th February 2019
A better day - more relaxed and I enjoyed it. No agenda, and I just did things that I wanted to do - when I wanted to do them, and didn't give myself any 'to do list' agendas - I actually ended up 'doing' quite a few things - that were helpful and also quite productive, so it was a good outcome.
Hope :)
Sounds really good Hope! :grouphug:
Hi BeHea1thy - yes, me too, it was a good suggestion and it worked. Thank you again. :hug:
Hi Blueberry - thanks :hug:
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Journal Entry on 19th February 2019
I had a strange experience today - where I felt as if a door opened in my mind whereby I got in touch with a part of myself that was in limbo - it felt as if I reached the part of me that believes that she is on medication daily and feels as if she hasn't finished lots of work and things that she needs to do - but in a really distressful way, such that she feels like she's a failure and she just couldn't cope with things. I've felt that part of myself before, and it's previously felt as if she is 'there' - but it's like I don't know if those things happened in reality or not. Yes, I was on medication for probably about 3 to 4 years - I don't know exactly how long - and I had to take the medication daily - but in terms of not completing the work - I always did finish things.
Although I have quite a lot of traumatic memories relating to a past job that I had - and feeling that I couldn't keep going at the time, and had to leave - so maybe that is the unfinished things - feeling like I let people down there - because I couldn't cope - but there were so many factors at the time that contributed to me being unable to cope.
Now I'm doing some work again, but in a far less pressured and less stressful environment, and with people who are more supportive and also welcoming too, and I'm working part-time for the first time in my life, and that's better as well. I am coping, but I am also worrying sometimes that I am beginning to fall behind with things, and not manage to do things to the standard I'd like to - I think I am perfectionistic, so that doesn't help me. I am my own worst enemy with regard to that.
I am digressing, because what I meant to write about here is the fact that I was triggered into experiencing that lost and in limbo part of myself who doesn't realise that life has moved on from whatever experience that she felt she couldn't complete - I really felt that I got in touch with her, and that I saw her for a moment - it felt as if a door slid open so I could see her.
***TW here - mentioning sexual and graphic things - although I will try not to mention anything overtly graphic.
Yesterday evening I watched a film that was very graphic sexually and had quite a lot of symbolism and psychological stuff within it - and it was frankly quite disturbing - but I watched it with my partner, and basically it caused us to later end up being intimate - and I think I dissociated for part of the time, but then I found that I was able to relax and I felt as if another window opened and a part of myself switched over to another part - I felt it happen. I can't put this into words more than this, except that I felt more than I normally would, and eventually was able to convince myself that I'm safe and with someone who loves me, rather than having to dissociate in that experience. This can happen for me, but I have to work very hard to remain present - and I did use some u-tube videos to help me with that - where they said to think of your intimate parts like a flower that deserves love etc and kindness. Anyway, I am amazed at myself for writing about this, as I don't normally feel able to do that - it feels to intimate and I worry what people might think. I'm avoidant I guess - and now I've written about it.
I already feel worried, and as if I should scrub out what I've written, but I won't. It's out there.
I've been feeling quite triggered also be things written in newspapters - and I'm trying not to focus too much on those things, but I worry about things that are happening in the world.
I was re-reading some of my sister's E-mails yesterday as well - and I thought back to how special it had felt during the months when we had started writing and things we'd shared about our experiences of our FOO - and sharing the differences too - and I was able to read the E-mails with a greater presence and felt more able to process things she had said. I felt sadness as I continued reading, about the fact that we're no longer in contact, but when I reached the E-mails where she had been expressing some of her beliefs (which are quite different to mainstream beliefs and viewpoints), I then thought that I was better not to be involved with her anymore. But it still saddens me.
I need to go now as my partner is here, but I am glad to have written these things here.
Hope :)
Personally, I don't feel that what you wrote was too intimate... the more we share what works for us and how we deal with situations in a new and healthy way, the more helpful we will be for others who are struggling with the same issues. For me that's a huge part of the support I feel here - things that are taboo for discussion with "normal" people can be discussed and support given, here.
I have had a similar experience in "meeting" a part of myself - she was very young but when I invited her in, I regained some lovely, somatic memories of myself at that age (riding my bike past a house I used to love riding past; feeling the wind in my hair and the rush of speeding as fast as I could pedal). These are things that no one in my life has ever said they experience, too, so it feels very supportive to hear it from others! Thanks :hug:
Hi Three Roses, I very much appreciate everything you said here, because it means a lot in many ways - I can't put it into words right now, but thank you. :hug: When you wrote about riding your bike past a house and feeling the wind in your hair and the rush of speeding along, you reminded me of my own experiences riding my bike - when I was small - and how 'free' I felt in those moments - it was a lovely feeling. Even being able to choose which road to ride down, and whether to turn left or right, it felt like freedom. So thanks for reminding me of lovely moments from childhood - as there were some.
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Journal Entry on 20th February 2019
I felt a bit down in my mood today - for quite a few chunks of the day - but I had things I had to do at work, and I managed to do them. But the down feeling hung over me for much of the day and I couldn't think what had triggered it, but I didn't fight it either, I just wondered which part of me was feeling that way - and I welcomed that part to hang around, and feel those feelings - as long as they didn't stop me from getting things done. It felt a bit like a pact of sorts and I did get through the day.
But maybe it's the effect of feeling things more than I normally do - and being in contact more with what I am feeling - I'm not sure. It's ok though, as I am tolerating it. I am trying to keep a sense of interest in what is going on - and what messages there might be from different parts of myself.
Hope :)
I agree with 3Roses about it not being too intimate to write those things here. It is good to process things, and this is a safe place. Since I am an active participant in the forum I definitely don't feel like a voyeur and never feel that what I read from others is too much for me to handle. So, good job in lessening the dissociation during intimacy, Hope.
Hi Hope!
Thank you for coming by on my journal, it meant alot. :)
Sounds like a very healthy approach to dealing with your emotions, letting them be but not letting them control you. :cheer:
Sending you a warm hug! :hug:
Hi Jdog - thank you so much - what you said feels very validating and helpful to me. I appreciate it. :hug:
Hi Sceal - thank you also, very much - and I love the warm hug - and sending you one back :hug:
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TW - Potential Triggers, as mentioning 'letting go' and some boundary issues and thoughts of anger etc - but nothing graphic described.
Journal Entry on 23rd February 2019
I have been able to let myself go a bit today - which is unusual for me - I put on some music - it was a Top 10 of Sia songs with the videos, and I literally found myself dancing alongside, and then I felt intense emotion whelled up in my body, and I actually found myself crying out loud and I also found that I wanted to express some feelings of anger via my body to my F - because the memory of dancing when I was little and him saying such horrible things to me about that - and also things he had done which had invaded my boundaries etc - and somehow Sia's music and the videos encapsulated what I took to be images and messages of crossed boundaries and emotional angst, and so my own memories and parts of myself responded - in particular there was a video called 'The Elastic Heart' - and showed a young girl dancing with her father - inside a cage. I looked at meanings of those lyrics and video later, and some people spoke of it representing her relationship with her own father - and that he had had a mental issue of some kind and had been ill, and how she had tried to help him. Anyway, the music was very emotive and I reacted to it. I was able to dance and also express myself outwardly, as I was alone in the house - my partner had gone to see his family - and I had chosen to stay home and relax. I might do something like that again, as I think it helped me to get some emotion out - and I had 'acted out' the feelings of anger by punching with my fists and kicking my legs a lot - and somehow getting that energy out - it was good.
I also feel as if I want to try to do a painting or a drawing - and that it could be something that Little Hope would like to do - because somehow I feel as if Little Hope needs to express her feelings about things, and I'm not sure how verbal she is - and maybe painting would be ok. I have really got a fear of doing this, as I did paint once in a therapeutic kind of group session - just the one time, many years back, and it shocked me that I painted a torrent of stuff coming out of my mouth - and it shocked me. So I am avoidant of it, and I am a bit scared of it, but somehow I feel stronger in a few ways at the moment, and feel that I could do it. So maybe tomorrow - I might try it.
As a result of the emotional thing with the dancing earlier, I then felt a massive need to over-eat - and I did give into that - and now I've eaten too much. I guess I was trying to comfort myself and replace some of the angst and feelings that I had experienced - I wish I hadn't overeaten, but it could have been worse.
I have been 'blending' more with my angry feelings this past couple of days - and my partner told me I had been quite grumpy towards him a couple of times - and he's right, I was. Infact I had realised it, and it had felt very alien and uncomfortable, and I also recognised that the way I had treated him was similar to how my M would have treated me - almost as if she was angry with me and annoyed that I was 'there' - and being grumpy to me for no particular reason - and similarly I had felt this way towards my partner, annoyed by his presence somehow. Not a nice feeling at all, and I hate myself for having felt it - but thankfully it's not there today.
He told me that I had been talking in my sleep again last night, but he couldn't work out what I had been saying. I have no memory of that. I think I had been dreaming about things, but I am not sure what they were. But I think they were to do with past work situations. But actual details haven't come back to me.
I hope I get some time tomorrow to do another chapter of the Dissociation book - I am keen to do that.
I had been avoiding listening to music for quite some time, as I find it can be very evocative and open channels of emotion in me - but I am now thinking that I want to listen to it - and explore my feelings more and 'feel more'. It feels like a push and pull kind of thing - in that I am avoidant, and then I am drawn to a flame - so it's not consistent, and it varies. But I am going to explore what happens.
Hope :)
Hi hope
I'm so glad you post here, I can relate so strongly to your experiences, it's very reassuring, I was an art student once upon a time but I became so flustered at people's reactions to my work I ended up taking the feelings out of it. I was advised to get psychiatric help more than once, So I understand your fears, but lately I've found it very therapeutic. It's such a good way for me to focus on my parts it's helped me a lot.
I've been emotional this week as well, I really am uncomfortable but tolerating it ok.
Wattlebird :hug:
Hi Wattlebird, I am glad that you post in this forum too - because I also relate very much to things you've said. So thank you so much for your reply here - and what you said. I'm glad that you find Art helpful for focusing on your parts - and I'm glad that you're managing to tolerate your emotion this week - I relate to what you're saying - it's tough. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 24th February 2019
I have had quite a few things to get through today - as I did some social things today - and I do find those quite challenging at many levels, but I am glad that I managed to get through them, and I'm ok. I didn't get chance to read my Dissociation book - so that was disappointing as I wanted to do that. I don't feel up to it this evening - I am going to maybe do a dot-to-dot instead - as I've not done one for a while, and I find it calming.
I put a lot of weight on overnight - due to eating too much yesterday - so I don't want to do that again. I must find a different way to tolerate my emotions than overeating, but it is hard sometimes. I do comfort eat. I know that.
Hope :)
" I was able to dance and also express myself outwardly, as I was alone in the house - my partner had gone to see his family - and I had chosen to stay home and relax. I might do something like that again, as I think it helped me to get some emotion out - and I had 'acted out' the feelings of anger by punching with my fists and kicking my legs a lot - and somehow getting that energy out - it was good."
:cheer: Just wanted to applaud how you were able to feel and express your feelings. I think that was brave.
Hi Notalone - I really appreciate your coming by to say that - it's very kind of you - thank you - I really appreciate your cheer, and that you said you think I was 'brave' - thank you so much. :)
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Journal Entry on 25th February 2019
I think I'm experiencing some flashbacks today - and am finding it difficult to know the triggers for them. I'm trying to sit with the feelings, and observe which parts of my thoughts and feelings are affected by them, but I also feel some anxiety too - and that is disconcerting. I just started to write this, and now I know what was triggering it - it was because my partner was late coming back - and I was waiting for him and trying to keep our meal from spoiling - and whilst I waited for him I had flashbacks to previous occasions when I was alone in my FOO's house - and I felt scared and abandoned - and I think some of those same feelings surfaced as a result of my partner's lateness. I am really glad I came here to write about it, because I couldn't work out what it was, but now it's as if it's so clear - and I recognise why I feel that way. I don't feel disconcerted by it now - and already I feel some relief.
Hope :)
That's great that you were able to get to the bottom of the flashback so quickly and now don't feel disconcerted! :cheer:
Hope, I second Blueberry's comment! Good work!
Hi Blueberry & Jdog - thank you both - :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 28th February 2019
The last day of February - and March will be here tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly this month has passed. I really want to write some things - but I haven't quite got enough time at the moment, but I do hope to write more - hopefully on the weekend when there might be a bit more opportunity.
But as a reminder to myself, I am just going to write that last night I woke with a painful headache at the front of my head, and my left eye hurt quite a bit - and I want to remember that, as I want to write more about that, and thoughts I had about it.
Hope :)
I'm always amazed at how you can start writing about something that you are stuck on and the solution shows itself, and you think why was I stuck on that its so obvious now!
Well done
:hug:
Hope-
May March bring more insights to you! Happy first day of March!! :cheer:
:hug:
i have no doubt that your insights will keep you moving forward. love you, sweetie.
Hi Wattlebird - yes, I agree with you - sometimes it is really helpful to just start writing here - and then a solution can sometimes come. I don't know where that comes from, but I have found it happens sometimes. Thanks so much for the hug, and sending one to you also :hug:
Hi Jdog - Oh thank you so much! March feels like a good month somehow - I hope it will be. :hug:
Hi SanMagic - Love you too - and great to see you - thanks for the hug and sending one also to you :hug:
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Journal Entry on 2nd March 2019
I'm trying to pace myself this weekend - I have made a list of things I want to accomplish, but I'm not worried if I don't get through them, as I'm not putting pressure on myself. I coped with the week - and work was ok - I find it undulates in terms of how I'm coping - some days I feel relatively good, and then sometimes my confidence is affected, but thankfully I've been meeting my deadlines - and doing what I need to do. So I think that is good.
I have a couple of things I want to write about - and hope to come back later to do that - espcially regarding a dream I had where I discovered a 'realization' that really made sense to me. So I'm writing that here, to remind me to write about that.
Hope :)
love those realizations! sometimes they can open new doors, or at other times they can put an issue to rest.
i have the same thing that goes on, referring to the 'undulating' of coping from day to day. some days, like today, i woke up believing i could conquer the world. other days, i'm happy just to drag myself through it.
love and hugs, hope.
Hi SanMagic - thanks so much for the love and hugs, and for your validation too - I saw that you'd woken up feeling like you could conquer the world - so I hope that feeling stayed a while! Sounds like a very good feeling. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 4th March 2019
I had really wanted to write more on the weekend, but somehow I found I 'couldn't' - and I wondered why that was at the time, but it was literally as if parts of me weren't happy for me to write - but I was wrestling with the thought that I needed to write - so it felt quite limiting and restrictive that I couldn't do it. I am here now - and hoping to just write and see what comes out - as I know I've had some realisations over the past few days - and in particular I had experienced some intense dreams - the content of which I only partially recalled - and sadly as I try to trawl through my mind to remember what I dreamed - here in the light of day - I can't remember the most of it! But what I do remember is that I have some parts of myself that literally feel trapped - and don't know that life has moved on - and this resonates with what I've been reading in the Dissociation book.
What have I realised? I've realised that my experiences as a child were very limiting on my ability to cope with any form of 'ending' - and the fact is that my FOO moved me from school to school, and never explained things to me about why things happened - they never explained what they were dealing with, and why they moved me - they didn't explain what happened to my sister, and why she was in our life for a while and then disappeared - they didn't explain anything. So how could I make sense of these things? There was no way I could. Instead, I felt some terror and some great sense of abandonment - and I think I actually ended up putting the reasons for those feelings onto the wrong things - like the film I watched when I was small - that scared me a lot - somehow many of the terrors of the unexplained things seemed to get hooked onto that in some way.
My memories of my childhood, they are so fragmented, in that I see myself as 'different children' at different times - and very much contrasting characters - it's like I couldn't hold the same personality characteristics within the same body - it was like I fragmented into different characters and felt these separately in some ways. There are parts of myself that I feel deeply ashamed about - because of things that I did that shock other parts of myself. I think 'Could I have done that?' 'Was that really me?' - but I know that it was me, and I did those things, but why I did them - probably because I felt deprived of things that other children have - that I should also have experienced - but didn't. I find it hard to put a name on what those things are, it hurts too much.
I hate the fact I had to lie about the truth of my childhood - that there were so many things about it that I couldn't say, and couldn't tell anyone. I was hiding secrets on behalf of my FOO , and yet I didn't really know why - and I didn't know that things weren't right. I was uncomfortable about many things, but essentially I thought it was the right thing to go along with what was expected of me.
I wish I had had some sense of independent spirit where I could have spoken out and talked to someone - but honestly, there wasn't anyone I felt I could trust - I could only trust in myself, and in many ways I've ended up following this my entire life - but I have opened up more to people in recent years - and being free from my FOO - in terms of being estranged from them, it makes it easier to be 'free' and to begin to work out who and what my roles in life are.
Interesting that my mind has 'gone blank' now - and I'm not sure what I want to say. So maybe I'll stop there for now - at least I wrote something, as I've been wanting to. I am also having flashbacks and being shown fragments from younger parts of me, who seem keen for me to talk about certain things - they were showing me some things yesterday - and I was trying to make a mental note to remember about it - to try to journal about it here, but as I try to recall those things today - I can't. So again I find that the part of me that 'rubs things out' might have been at work on that.
I have just remebered that last night whilst I was in that semi-conscious kind of between 'awake and asleep' state- that I actually 'saw' a spider in my mind's eye - and it was very realistic. I don't like spiders very much, but I wasn't worried about it, as I knew it wasn't real - it was just something I could see.
Whilst writing this, there's a part of me saying 'They'll think you're mad for writing this' - but I'm ignoring that voice - and continuing to write. It does help to write about this. To get it out.
My mind is blank again, so I'll stop writing for now.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 5th March 2019
I have been having quite a few EF's today - and have felt quite annoyed by them, as I can 'see' them clearer now - and realise more what is happening, and how my brain literally stalls and won't allow me to think clearly or move forward - it's like I get stuck, and I feel small, but what is interesting is that I am now beginning to feel a sense of annoyance about it - whereas before I would be more anxious and wondering what it was - or trying to understand the trigger. So this is a change - and maybe another realisation.
I was worried this morning when I realised that a new member of staff has joined my work place, and I'm not sure about him. There's something about him that makes me uneasy. But I can't put my finger on what it is, but I'm wary. I don't want to pre-judge him either - but somehow my hypervigilance has already done this for me. I need to hold back and see how things go.
Potential TW - mentioning death (but nothing graphic) **
I also watched a TV programme today that upset me, as it had a scene in it where a woman died whilst holding her mother's hand - and I guess that really evoked some grief in me, that things are so different to how I thought they would be in my FOO.
End of TW
I did cry after seeing that programme, and I told my partner why I felt like I did - which was good to share it. He said he understood. I thought it was good that I spoke the words aloud to him, as I don't often do that with my emotions, I will tend to feel them internally and not speak about them or label them. But I think it's actually better to talk about them out loud - sometimes.
I have accepted a social invitation for later this week - and I'm already feeling anxious about that, but I hope I'll be ok. I usually cope - so hopefully I will cope.
I am very interested by the fact that my memories fro when I was 12 to 16 years of age seem to be very hidden - and there have been some snippets of memory returning - quite visual flashes of things, and I'm beginning to wonder about why those years were so hidden - as they are more recent years than the earlier childhood ones. I feel like more of my parts are communicating with me - and I feel stronger, so maybe that's why they are doing so.
I've been sitting thinking of what else to write, but my mind is blank, so I'll stop there.
Hope :)
i think you're wise to be wary of your new co-worker, hope. people give off vibes, and we're very good at picking up on them. i don't think it has anything to do with judging, but if there's something there that's sending off alarms, big or small, i think it's a good thing to heed them. wait and see is a good strategy, to my mind.
interesting about those new parts making themselves known. i wouldn't doubt that you're correct in that you're stronger now so it's safer for some of the hidden stuff to make itself known. just pace yourself, ok? it might be a temptation to rush yourself to get to know what's going on, but i believe you know how to do that at a safe speed.
love and hugs, sweetie.
:yeahthat:
I'm glad you're listening to your guts about this guy. And please be careful about uncovering buried memories from when you were younger, doing that without benefit of therapeutic help really did a number on my brain! :hug:
Hi SanMagic - thank you - it helps to hear you say that - and I like the 'wait and see' strategy regarding the co-worker - I've not seen him much this week - as he's been doing his induction training - but next week he is likely to be around - so I'll see how it goes. I have been thinking a lot about 'pacing' and I'll write more about it in my Journal entry for today - but thank you so much for reminding me of that, as it's so important and I hear you. 'Safe pacing' is my intention. Thank you so much for your support :hug:
Hi Three Roses - Yes, I am going to be extremely careful - because I have been heeding your words and those of others, and I've just read something (which I'll talk about in a minute) that has also made me really think twice about rushing anything. I really do appreciate your support - it means a lot. :hug:
Journal Entry on 9th March 2019
I've really craved some time to be able to come here and write in this journal, as it feels like a safe place - and I know that people who read it are helpful and supportive, and that means more than anything. So thank you if you are reading this, and anytime, I welcome comments or replies.
Over Christmas and the months after that I had intended to do 'lighter' reading - and had got some children's books etc to do just that - and I did read some of those books - including 'The Little Princess' - which was actually quite emotional to read - as I realised that younger Hope had latched on to characters in that book and I realised some themes within the book that were significant. Especially the 'doll' that had all the clothes made for it - and how my own M had made a doll for me - but whilst it looked good to see such a gift, it didn't represent loving care - it was more for show - and yet, even talking about this makes me feel ungrateful and like a spoiled child. But I know I was none of those things. Anyway... what I also ended up reading was another book about someone's experiences of abuse - so it wasn't lighter reading at all - and it was a book by Ruth Dee called 'Fractured' - it has taken me about 3 months to finally be able to finish reading that book - and I have to say that the content of it was such that I've already blocked out the detail - i.e. part of me has rubbed bits from my memory already - the book was about someone with Multiple Personality Disorder - and her experiences - she was a child in the 1950's, so she's older than me, but the fact her life spans so many decades and I was alive for many of them - i.e. I was born in the late 1960's - it's interesting. I really related to so many of her experiences and also how she was thinking and describing things. She was able to work in a professional career, so she was similar to me - and she was able to enjoy a fulfilling relationship too with a loving partner - but even in the end, she fragmented quite a lot - and her description of how she interacted with various services that were meant to help her - it sounded really challenging and difficult.
I don't think I have MPD but I do relate to some of the experiences she had - in terms of feeling various parts within, and losing track of time sometimes - through dissociation etc. My partner comments that I am just not there sometimes - and he's right, I will be somewhere else in my my mind - and miss large parts of TV programmes etc. On p.284 of her book she wrote about "I could see pictures, technicolour on orange, behind my closed eyelids" "like a quickly moving film, but disjointed and out of order." - that describes the experience I have sometimes whilst trying to get to sleep at night, and when I'm not sure if I'm yet asleep or still awake. I've used the term 'hypnogogic' kind of state, but in her book she mentioned visual and auditory pseudo-hallucinations. I don't know what my experiences are, but what I do know is I related to much of what she wrote.
I think the resulting effect on me of finishing that book, was some fear - because I don't want to end up fragmenting like she seemed to do at the end of the book - she's ok - but she went through some really tough stuff - and I am fearful that it might happen to me too - if the circumstances were the same. She had to seek help very assertively - and then her colleagues didn't really believe her at first about her diagnosis, because she had hidden it from everyone her whole life - relying on herself - that's what I do too. Rely very much on myself.
Anyway, that book affected me quite a lot - I'm glad I read it, but it was so hard to get through it - and I struggled to stick with it - had to take quite long breaks inbetween reading - but I have read it and feel it was helpful.
But it scared me at the same time.
Trigger Warning - Mentioning CSA but in a non-graphic way:
This entry today is likely to be longer - and not necessarily making sense, as I have a few things I want to write about - and they don't necessarily follow on in any coherent order - but in the book that Ruth Dee wrote - she mentioned her own CSA, and she wrote about how she assumed she had been the only one of her siblings that it had happened to, and that her younger sister was ok. But later, she spoke to her sister and the sister disclosed CSA as well - but Dee wasn't able to tell her sister that it had happened to her as well - and this made me think of my own Sister - and the fact that whilst I was in contact with her, I disclosed to her that I had experienced CSA from our F - and she mentioned that things he had done had crossed boundaries, but she hadn't experienced the same as me. But it makes me wonder if maybe she didn't tell me everything. Maybe because she was protecting me, or couldn't divulge her own experiences - but it also made me wonder that perhaps because our upbringings had been different - she had been brought up by our Grand-parents, then maybe she could 'fight' our parents, whereas I was kept as their prisoner - and could only 'freeze' and 'numb' myself.
I have been watching those videos that sj mentioned in the forum - by Irene Lyons too - I meant to say something about the fact I'd found them useful - I've watched 2, and she talks of how people numb themselves and can't feel things the same way - and how trauma is trapped in the body - this reflects the things I've read in other books - I can't remember the authors names now - but Peter Levine comes to mind and the one who wrote about Trauma and the Body - who has a different name.
I feel really upset as I'm writing this - which is unusual, as normally I am feeling dissociated when I write, and often it's only been when I read things back that I 'feel' the emotion - but I actually feel upset whilst I write this - which makes me think I'm beginning to 'feel more' - and process things a bit differently than I have done in the past.
I have been considering whether I should seek therapy - but I would have to pay for it myself, as I have no faith in the local services - and I could approach the person I saw privately before - if she was still available, but I am actually concerned that she might consider me a bit 'mad' - honestly I do think she might think that. I know I'm not - but I have no idea how she would consider the things I think and how I frame things. If I was to have therapy I'd want to be open and honest, but there are massive parts of me that say 'No, don't trust them' - because they can't help you.
I'm wondering if I got Irene Lyons name right or not - I wonder where that name comes from if not. I hope its right.
Something that also upset me was that someone had been talking in an article in a newspaper about hand-writing and how curled letters on some letters could represent narcissism. It reminded me that when I was a small child, my F told me that it would be good if I could copy the way he wrote certain letters, because that would be following his legacy and doing as he did - he didn't use those words, but I presume that's what he meant - and so I did write that way - and still do - and yet that says to someone who analyses hand-writing that a person is narcissistic - and yet I was purely doing something because I was 'expected' to - and was moulded to what someone wanted. That makes me angry in some ways.
I won't write anymore now, as I feel I've said sufficient to get these things out of myself and here in this place, which I consider to be a safe and good place to share things.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 10th March 2019
I felt better for writing so much yesterday - I felt like I needed to get those things out - and write them in a place that is supportive - and it cleared my mind in some ways. I want to write a couple of things today - to remember them - and one is that I am intending on watching the Michael Jackson documentary about 'Neverland' - but my partner has already said that he doesn't want to watch it, so I am waiting for a time when I can do so by myself - and I am also hoping that I'll cope with watching it. I often 'seek out' documentaries and books that are about other people's experiences, so it's not that I'm worried about myself - but I don't want to overload myself - and so I'm going to pace myself and hope to watch it when I feel ok to do so.
The other thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I summarised several chapters from the Dissociation book, and I've recently re-read the copyright part at the start of that book, and it say that "For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to ...." - and I didn't do that. I don't know if I have breached their copyright by the summary of the chapters that I've done in the other part of this forum. I'm worrying about it now. But I've seen others do similar things, and so maybe it's ok? I don't know. I'm in a dilemma about it.
Also, I was thinking that I don't feel able to continue the summarising - and I wanted to keep going through the book, but for some reason I feel like I 'can't do it' - and I don't know if that's some other parts of me who are putting their feet down to stop me - because I think that there are patterns that I repeat which might 'hold me' in a particular place - i.e. I fear going for therapy because maybe that will be outside my comfort place - and I won't cope - and similarly, maybe really processing something will have a similar effect.
I think I could be putting obstacles in my own way - a form of self-sabotage perhaps, and that's what's bothering me here. But I am aware of it, so that's a good thing.
This morning when I woke up, I felt as if there was a part of myself which is quite 'organised' and knows what she is doing had woken with me - because I already had some things in mind that I would do today - and I have done some of them. So I feel good about that.
I have some things to think about - and I will do some thinking about them. I'll stop writing for now.
Hope :)
Hi hope,
I have similar fears with my therapist, actually whether I'm "crazy" or not is a common theme she continually reassures me, but I still still doubt whether she really believes that but this is a reflection of my own beliefs not hers, I think that this is very common with dissociative disorders, you fear yourself.
I've been watching some DID utube vids about people's experiences with DID and there seems to be a big cross over of symptoms with cptsd anyway think I'm raving. That dissociation book you just got explains well.
I'm glad your a bit better today
Not sure bout the copyright, seems a valid point though.
Best wishes
Wattlebird
Hi Hope,
I don't always respond, but appreciate your honest writings.
". . .but I am actually concerned that she might consider me a bit 'mad' - honestly I do think she might think that." I can't tell you how many times my therapist has reassured me that he doesn't think I am crazy. Also have the voice in my head saying, "Don't trust him." Then I usually tell him what the voice is saying and he tells me that part is trying to protect me. Sending you a safe hug.
Hi Wattlebird - your reply helps me a lot - as you have validated my fears - and I also found it interesting what you said about the cross-over of symptoms of CPTSD and DID - I don't think you're raving, you sound coherent and sensible to me. :) My new Dissociation book hasn't arrived yet - but hopefully soon. I'm not sure if I'll dive straight into it, or whether I might try to keep going with the other one first - I don't know yet. I was feeling quite over-whelmed the other day with it, but I feel somewhat better today. But of course that could change by tomorrow. I don't know. I won't have sufficient time to get to it till the weekend, most likely anyway. Regarding the copyright thing, I think I'll just be a bit more succinct when I'm commenting on bits, and that way I won't be taking huge chunks - I think - I don't know what to do yet. Best wishes to you Wattlebird :hug:
Hi Notalone - thank you so much for coming over and commenting, and I really appreciate what you said. It's very validating that you have experienced similar and your therapist has been reassuring many times about it. Also, you mentioning the voice in your head saying 'Don't trust him' and how that's a protective thing - I think you're right. It sounds like that part of you is trying to protect you - and I relate to that very much, from my own perspective. Thank you also for the safe hug, and I hope you don't mind my extending one back to you :hug:
***********
Journal Entry on 11th March 2019
Possible TWs in this entry today - as mentioning CSA related things - but nothing graphic mentioned.
My partner was late back today - and I had chance to watch some of the Michael Jackson documentary - but I realise I had an older one than the one that people had mentioned here in the forum - I had one about his past Legal history and what had happened in the past regarding that, so it wasn't the footage showing the two men who are recounting their experiences. So I've not watched the same thing that others have talked about, but I still found watching it to be quite triggering - and I also wondered how I can go through life and somehow not be so 'aware' of things - it seems to me that I've lived quite a lot of my life ins some kind of protective bubble, where I just don't feel things - but I suppose that is what dissociation does - makes things seem unreal and synthetic somehow.
Irene Lyon had a 15 minute exercise to do which was focusing on my self and my environment and I tried it out - and found that part of me couldn't stick with it at all - and I ended up crying - it was like that part of me was really upset about the whole thing and couldn't contain that emotion - it just came out. So that frightened me a bit. I think the exercise was supposed to be a 'simple one' that would be to learn to focus and be grounding, but somehow it disturbed one of my younger parts a lot. I was able to focus on things better later, and I am interested by what happened.
For some reason I am thinking that I would like to read the book 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' as I have been drawn towards that book - by some smaller part of me, so now I need to find the book - maybe from the library if it's there. I know that my sister was kept in the attic and in the wardrobes for part of her time - as a form of punishment by our parents, and somehow the contents of that book remind me of that time, as I was very small at the time, and I don't think I ever finished the book - as I couldn't ever read through till the end very often - but the Ice Queen (was she in that?) comes to mind, and makes me think of my NM.
End of TW.
I feel very apologetic as I write this, as it seems very insignificant somehow - these things, but they mean a lot to the smaller parts of me, and to me as an adult too. I know that I minimise things, and I basically don't see their true significance - I can't feel the true meaning of things as I should do. Sometimes I feel things very strongly though - and emotions are stark and very potent at such times. But other times it literally feels like I'm in a fairy tale - i.e. is it really real?
My partner surprised me today as he told me that he thinks that I don't realise when people are treating me badly. He said he is surprised by how I have kept in touch with some people whom he feels aren't really good friends at all - he is surprised by that, but I explained to him that because I was torn away from so many friendships and relationships over the year - by my FOO who moved me around so much, it meant that when I could have control about keeping in touch, then I did. For many years in some instances. Even as I was talking to him about it - when he mentioned that he understood my fear of losing touch with people - I found a very strong and visceral reaction in myself - which happens whenever there are any words associated with 'loss' or the ending of a relationship. It is a very deep hurt - that is really strong inside.
I will stop writing now - as I can't think of anything else I want to say just now. It was good to write though.
Hope :)
"The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe" is one of my favorite stories. If you read it, I hope it is a lovely escape for you, and not triggering because of your sister's experiences.
The lion the witch and the wardrobe
The story of kids escaping their life into a fairy tale land, I think the attraction is in the whole similarity with our stories.
Maybe start with a smaller time frame for introspection like 2 minutes, reassure the little hopes and ease into it.
It's good progress that you are starting to recognise your emotional reactions to loss. Don't apologise, it's your journal, it also helps others to think about their reactions to similar situations.
I've never heard of Irene Lyon I'll have to look her up
Hi Notalone - I am anticipating it will be a mix of things to read the book - but the fact I feel drawn to it at this time is something I'm going to react to - and I will try to get the book - my library does have it, and it's available, so as soon as I can get there to take it out - I will do so - hopefully so I can enjoy it on the weekend. Lovely that it's also one of your favourites. I doubt that I ever read it to the end, as I never seemed to be able to finish many books - but I hope to finish it this time.
Hi Wattlebird - I only heard of Irene Lyon because there was a post about her recent 'free videos' - one that sj put up in the forum. I found them interesting but I am not sure I'll be going further, as she has a package of therapy (online based) that seems quite expensive - and if I was going to pay that much, I might prefer face to face therapy - so it's made me think quite a bit about my priorities in life currently. I appreciate the supportive suggestion you made about easing my little Hopes into a smaller time frame for introspection - regarding reading the book - will certainly try to do that. Thanks also for reminding me that I'm recognising my emotional reactions to loss - as it helped me to name it in that way. You're right, it's my journal, and I should own it, not apologise.
*************
Journal Entry on 12th March 2019
My book has arrived - Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation. Interesting that it was a paperback rather than a hardback - yet it cost the same kind of price as the other version that was a hardback - somehow that doesn't make sense, but I won't complain... Just commenting. Or maybe I am complaining - interesting...
Regarding work - I have felt a bit disconcerted that my colleagues seem to like the new guy (the one I feel uneasy around) - and so I am now wondering what it is that makes me feel that way around him. Actually there is one other person who admitted to me that she feels uneasy - as I did comment to her about it, but the others seem to be quite keen to be incredibly friendly and warm to him - I am going to keep my caution, until I find out more about how things go.
I have a short week at work, as I am having a long weekend off, so I am looking forward to that. I am keen to get to the library to get the book (The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe) and I am also keen to perhaps read more of my Dissociation book - although I am still wondering whether to stick with the 'Treating' book or start the 'Coping with' version. Even as I write that, I think I want to launch into the 'Coping with' version - as that will be fresh and I can see what it's like.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 17th March 2019
I am intending to write more today - because I feel as if I want to finish this second Journal (as it's got quite long) and start a fresh one - and therefore, at the same time, I would like to perhaps try to summarise some of the Realizations I've come to - and then start the new Journal with my hopes for the future days. Consequently - if I have sufficient time today - and if the words will come - I am hoping to write more - but of course that will depend on how the day goes - I have some things that I'll call 'obligations' that I need to fulfil as well - but I hope to carve out time for myself to write here as well. I have already been thinking about Reflections and Realizations in my head, over this past few days. So I think I could write quite a bit, providing parts of me don't stop me. I was experiencing quite a few EF's yesterday - and my brain wasn't working properly at all - but I feel better (in that respect) today. So I'll hope to be back later, and write more then.
Hope :)
Summary of Realizations and Progress Re: Befriending My Parts.
17th March 2019
Firstly, I will copy and paste what I wrote at the start of this journal, to remind myself:
On 12th May 2018 I wrote:
"So, for the start of this Journal, I am going to highlight some of my aims, which are basically notes I've taken from Janina's book, and are as follows:
I hope to:
* Develop and form internal attachments relationships to my young selves
*Be mindful of conflicts, ambivalence, or confusion = manifestations of struggles between parts
*Build empathy and attunement to the parts
*Overcome self-alienation
*Mindfully scan my body and feeling states for the communications from my fragmented selves
*Adopt or come to love the hurt, lost and lonely parts
*Develop self-compassion and awareness
*Befriend my parts and earn their trust
*Try to develop the following qualities as antidotes to the painful experiences suffered by exiled child parts: Curiosity; Clarity; Creativity; Calm; Courage; Confidence; and Commitment.
* Aim to help my adult self to grow those 'C' qualities listed above, to help the child parts learn to turn to a 'self-led' wise adult self who can reassure their fears and loneliness.
I am also noting the following from the book, as helpful:
"Traumatic events - encoded as implicit emotional and physical states, rather than encoded in the form of chronological narrative. Disowning the "not me" or trauma-related parts and the ability to function without awareness of having been traumatized. Assume that all distressing thoughts, feelings and body responses are communications from trauma-related parts".
Tip: Notice the parts' distressing emotions and unsafe impulses and regulate them, rather than react to them."
I've copied and pasted the above from the start of this journal. I am going to try to summarise some of my realisations and think about what has changed for me over the past 10 months, since I started this second Journal.
I'm not sure if I have really been able to identify who all the different parts of me are, in terms of giving them a specific name – they are more a 'sense of' kind of experience – but I can identify that they are 'there' and they are with me often.
Pre-verbal Parts of Me:
I feel sure there are some pre-verbal parts of me – who express their pain and isolation by way of pains that I can get in my head, tension in my throat, etc – and I feel as if it's related to parts of me who can't communicate directly – they literally don't have words. Whenever I experience a horrible sense of fear and distress, I feel that I'm in an EF relating to the past – and a very young and frightened part of me.
Angry/Fiery Part of Me:
I've come in contact more recently with a very angry and fiery part of me – she will use swear words regularly and say things that are shocking to other parts of me, and she will fight physically. Thankfully this never materialises to be a physical thing – i.e. I never fight or kick out or anything, but I feel like she is doing so. An example of this can be when someone is too close to me, and she will want to hit them and push them away. Thankfully a calmer part of me is able to keep me focused to know that I'm safe and that the person that is close by isn't going to actually hurt me (which is usually the case – they are safe).
Parts Stuck in Limbo:
There are parts of me that feel stuck in limbo somewhere – it's like they are helpless and they don't know how to do things. This does seem to end up affecting my life – as I have horrible situations where I buy things and never use them – because basically I fear that I'll mess it up, or not know how to use it, or feel as if I can't do it.
I am stuck regarding creativity – I want to write, draw, paint – so many things, but I feel stuck and I feel as if I can't do these things.
Coping Parts of Me, But Feeling Shame (My Own Worst Critic):
Regarding work, I had a professional career for many years, and I did cope (although it was tough at so many levels), but in the end, circumstances (which were traumatic in themselves) built up and I finished working. I then did voluntary work for a while, but then stopped that as well – now I have recently started working again, but it is a different job altogether from my previous profession, it is not paid particularly well – and I am part-time. But, I am working,and I feel good about that, but I also have feelings of disappointment and shame that I couldn't keep my career and profession going – that I had to change and do something else. That I couldn't cope in the end. I can be my own worst critic sometimes, so maybe I am being over-harsh on myself.
Kind/Helpful Part of Me: (Like A Saviour or Protective Role?)
Another part of me is trying to make me feel better here, by saying - "But you did cope, and you did it longer than a lot of people would have done" - so I am recognising there's a helpful part of me that tries to bolster my ego, and make me feel better. She is kind and helpful, and she does that for other people too – or tries to – she hopes to be helpful and kind, without overstepping boundaries (I'm thinking of that because of a discussion I was reading between 2 members of our forum – which resonated with me) – I hope Three Roses and SanMagic won't mind my mentioning them here, but what you both said about boundaries was so helpful. I sometimes feel that my replies to other people in the forum might be overstepping a boundary – but I can see from your interchanges about this, that people often set their own boundaries, and how can we know when we overstep something. We can only do our best at the time to do what we feel is right, and the other person can communicate and say how they feel.
I need to take a break now, but I'll come back. I feel I want to write a lot today.
Hope :-)
Back again, and it was interesting that having written those things, that awakened the other parts of me:
Critical parts:
Those parts who tell me that I shouldn't be writing about things – or sharing my experiences, that I'm silly or stupid and not good enough etc etc Thankfully I don't listen to those parts, because essentially I tell them that it's ok – I can write things and nothing bad will happen.
This then reminds me of other parts that I've not mentioned yet:
Punitive parts: (potential TW - mentioning violence, but in non graphic way)
They are the ones that if they see danger they actually make me think of the potential of it – but in a way that says 'You might put that knife in your body', or 'You might drink that unsafe liquid' - I am just thankful that I've never acted on those kind of thoughts, but I know that sometimes in the past I would 'accidentally' cut myself with a knife whilst cutting up vegetables or bread, and I think it was almost like there was part of me that wanted to hurt myself. I have never hurt myself – and I don't act on these thoughts. But they are there, and quite frequently. ***End of TW
Thankfully I also have some lovely happy parts:
Happy/Young Hope:
She is very small, and she giggles and enjoys the beauty of nature and even the water in the shower delights her – there are times when she surfaces and I am so happy for her existence in my life, as during moments when she shows me things, then I feel very happy.
Teenage/Taciturn Hope:
She is angry – and relates to the other parts I described before.
Coping with Real Life/Sensible Hope:
She is present quite a lot of the time, and helps me to do things – and cope with work situations and other things like that. She is knowledgeable and also sensible, and she can be very organised.
Messy/Hopeless Hope:
She lives within me too – and she just can't get organised, and she loses hope that she can. I think she literally doesn't know how to do things – or feels as if she'll be told off for doing it wrong, so what's the point of even trying to do it.
Perhaps a Part of me that I feel Ashamed of:
Full of herself Hope - she thinks she's very good at things, and she tends to get me into trouble if she leads my 'will' - because she can do things on the spur of the moment, and she has led me to do things that seem vastly out of my character (to the rest of me). I have to keep her in check, and usually try to manage this by not making decisions until I've slept on them, just incase - as I can't afford to let her make decisions for me.
****** I feel as if people will look at what I've written and think 'she's mad' - but I know that it's something that is experienced by people who have C-PTSD - and having read about it, I feel finally able to write about it in this way. It's taken me a long time to do this - and to feel ok to do this. At least it's anonymous - noone knows me here - I don't talk about most of this to people who know me, although my partner is aware of how I think about things, and I am so glad that he sticks with me, and that he doesn't detatch from me. He is so accepting of me as a person, and that has helped me to be more comfortable with beginning to understand what makes up the different elements of my personality, and my being.
I need another break - as I feel already I've said a LOT.
Hope :)
Hi Hope,
I just want to say that I think the 'parts' way of thinking is very helpful. I've used it myself a little in the recent past. It can really help explain a lot of the thoughts that flit around unbidden. I don't think you're mad :)
SaB
Hi SaB - Thank you so much. I appreciate you saying you don't think I'm mad, and also that you feel that 'parts' is a helpful way of thinking too. Glad to hear you've used it a little in the recent past, and it's good to know that.
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So, to think a bit more about any further Realizations or thoughts I'd like to add today - the only remaining Parts I can think of include:
The Rubbing Out Part
This part has the tendency to literally 'erase' or 'rub out' my memories - and I've noticed that it does it for my sexual experiences most often. But also any experiences I have that impact on my self-esteem or ego - i.e. it happened once when a friend of mine ended up going out with a guy I had liked - that memory was rubbed out for some years before I then recalled that it had happened. So it doesn't have to be particularly distressing things that appear to be rubbed from my memory. Of course, I am also never sure if the memories were stored properly in the first place or not, because the other thing I experience is dissociating on a regular basis, and therefore maybe I'm just not storing the memories in the first place. Being in a 'different place' in my mind - or maybe even just in a different compartment of my mind.
This brings to mind the imagery that I feel - where I think there's a part of me that is 'stuck' in a situation where she believes she has to take medication regularly, and she doesn't understand why. This comes back to me quite regularly - but doesn't quite fit my actual experience. I have taken medication for a few years, in the past - in terms of anti-depressants, but somehow the experience feels quite a heavy one, and one that I don't totally relate to.
A disturbing past nightmare that I used to have - about giant flying moths - is one that I kept having into my mid 30's age-wise, and had had it throughout my childhood. But this doesn't happen anymore, so that is a change.
Regarding some improvements:
Being estranged from my FOO - it has helped me. Although I continued to ruminate about them on an almost obsessive kind of way for quite some years, but the frequency of thoughts about them is so much less frequent now. So that has improved. I am still affected by anxious thoughts about their well-being though - and feeling as if I've been a 'bad' daughter. But I try to counter this. Essentially they were lacking quite a bit in terms of their parenting ability - very over-controlling, and with little empathy for my situation. Well, basically lacking empathy really.
I hope to list a few Realizations:
I've realised that I read a lot about C-PTSD and Dissociation and CSA, but I don't 'stay' with a topic for too long, as I then find that there are parts of me that want to 'avoid' it. But I am trying to keep on subjects.
I was triggered the other day by the E-mails from Irene Lyons (whose videos I had subscribed to because they were free) and now she's trying to get people to join up and pay quite a lot of money to do a 12 week course (which is online) but which costs a substantial amount of money - although I guess compared to one-to-one therapy - maybe it's not so bad...? But she has E-mailed me a few times, and somehow I have felt as if I'm being 'chased' - I think it was something triggering about it. I was a bit afraid, and it made me feel small, so I think it was part of an EF that I was having - which was happening yesterday. I had found one of her videos to be a bit disconcerting as I'd got in touch with some grief feelings and been crying - but yet it was supposed to be a relaxing video - she did say that intense emotions could come up - and they did. What scared me about it - was that I'd only watched her 3 videos plus that shorter one, and somehow the Little Hopes had grasped to the thought that she was a caring and good person that I could be helped by. Yet then later, E-mails from that person were coming frequently and she was quoting her past students etc, who had been helped by the course, and it reminded me of marketing ploys that are undertaken by people who don't necessarily care - they just want to sell something. I feel angry about this, and yet I was frightened by it too.
I wanted to write about this situation, as I think it reflects how difficult I find it to seek help from a therapist - even in the situation of one that is online, and I've not even had real face to face contact with - just in terms of the reactions from different parts of me to that interpersonal situation.
Realisation - I haven't been able to pluck up the courage to see my new GP yet - and this worries me for the time when I might need to see her. The part of me that rubs out memories, won't let me even remember her name at the moment! I feel a bit stupid not to be able to remember my own GP's name. But I've not actually met her, so there's nothing to remind me of her.
I'm hoping to continue to complete my realisations in the next couple of days, as I have a couple of days off work, so I can hopefully think more - and then when I've thought of my next steps and focus for the new Journal, I will start it, and have some goals in mind for how to proceed.
I think I've stressed myself out a bit by writing so much today - but I think that's just because I wrote so much. It's been good to write it, but a bit scary at the same time, and I feel a bit bad for writing about Irene Lyons E-mails - afterall, I subscribed, and I can stop them if I want to. I wanted to mention it from the point of view of how I've ended up feeling, interpersonally - and the potency of that. That is why I fear getting too close to a therapist. There are too many parts of me in conflict about trusting someone.
Realisation: I do trust people however! I trust my partner, and a couple of my friends. So that is good.
I had hoped to get 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' from the library to enjoy reading this weekend, on my days off - but I didn't manage to get it yet. So maybe I'll go tomorrow - I'd like to read it.
Realisation: I value this forum and the people here very much. :grouphug:
I'll stop writing now and hope to be back in the next couple of days to finish off - before then starting my new Journal.
Hope :)
Hope,
I applaud you and the hard work you've been doing. :applause: You've had many significant insights. I understand about parts and would like to send all your parts, who are comfortable with it, a big hug. :grouphug:
Hi notalone - thank you so much :hug:
Hope :)
QuoteBut she has E-mailed me a few times, and somehow I have felt as if I'm being 'chased' - I think it was something triggering about it.
I had the same reaction! I feel validated knowing someone else has, too, so I'm going to take myself off her mailing list. Just further indication it takes someone trauma-informed to help us, not someone whose goal is just to sell her own product. There are plenty of caring, trauma-informed therapists, and I know I need to find one, but this gal is not the one.
Quote from: Three Roses on March 18, 2019, 03:34:25 PM
QuoteBut she has E-mailed me a few times, and somehow I have felt as if I'm being 'chased' - I think it was something triggering about it.
Same over here.
Hi Three Roses and Anjulie - Hearing that you both have experienced similar feelings about this is extremely validating for me, as I did feel a bit bad about naming her and expressing my feelings - but I think at the same time, it was good that I was able to recognise my feelings on this, and speaking up about them, that was actually something that felt better for me once I had done so. So thank you both for sharing your thoughts too.
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Journal Entry on 18th March 2019
I have had a day off today - and I have another one tomorrow (yay!) - but today I ended up going to bed for a lot of the afternoon - and was incredibly thoughtful during my dozing - I ended up thinking about my life and some periods of it that have been less clear - and I was able to begin to process some of those gaps, and put some pieces in place - here and there - and whilst I was doing that - I felt incredibly sad - really felt that I got in touch with some grieving parts of myself - but in a way that felt tolerable, rather than overwhelming. So I think it was ok - and I'm glad I spent the time in that way. Normally I would have been berating myself for 'not doing' other things - and feeling ashamed and self-critical about it, but this time, I just allowed myself to take that time and just let my thoughts go where they wanted to go.
I feel ok right now - right at this moment, and I am keen to consider further my reflections on my Journal and the last few months - and I hope to come back tomorrow and write more. I am feeling incredibly self-focused this past few days - and feel I'm neglecting other things - and also people in my life - but it feels like I need to focus on myself in order to be clear of my direction for the next few weeks - I know once I get back to my work on Wednesday - that I won't get chance again till the weekend - most likely - so I want to really make the most of this weekend. I am aware that I was feeling over-whelmed last week - in many ways - and so trying to structure and reflect, it feels like the thing I need to do.
Strangely when I think about reading my newest self-help book - the "Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation" - I am then feeling 'stuck' and haven't started it - it's as if there's a resistance to that, and I am listening to that at the moment, and going with the flow or what I am feeling more comfortable to do.
I was talking to my partner about 'inner voices/internal thoughts' today - and trying to find out If he also experiences things similar to what I experience - I told him I have a few different voices/internal thoughts - rather than just one or two - he said he thinks he has a couple of them. This makes me wonder if maybe everyone has them. I wish there was a way we could know what each others experiences are truly like. People rarely talk about those things - in my experience. But that's probably because we might worry what others might then think. I don't know.
It did worry me that I wrote about my parts in more detail over the weekend - and I felt ashamed of the part that I call 'Full of it Hope' - as I do worry sometimes about whether there is a narcissistic side to her - but to be honest I rarely experience the feelings of being really good at something - although even as I say that, I know I am quite good at things that I apply myself to - but a lot of the time I feel as if I don't measure up to things, and I'm lacking. It's a real mismatch of confidence versus a sense of being self-effacing.
I hope that I'll get more things done tomorrow on my day off, as although I spoke of not minding the fact I slept and dozed this afternoon - I would also like to be a bit more productive tomorrow.
Hope :)
". . .but in a way that felt tolerable, rather than overwhelming. So I think it was ok - and I'm glad I spent the time in that way. Normally I would have been berating myself for 'not doing' other things - and feeling ashamed and self-critical about it, but this time, I just allowed myself to take that time and just let my thoughts go where they wanted to go."
:applause: Good for you. Glad you were able to be kind to yourself.
Thank you notalone - I appreciate your words and I think you're right, I was kind to myself, and that was an ok thing to do.
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Journal Entry on 19th March 2019
I haven't managed to do very much today - but I did go to the library and got out the book 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' and I am happy to have it - so I can hopefully read it in the coming days.
I had hoped to complete my Reflections and Realizations list, but to be honest, writing about my parts in the past couple of days - it resulted in more critical parts of myself having a bit of a field day - and telling me off for doing so - but there were other parts that felt proud of the fact I managed to do it - as it's taken quite a while to get to that point where I can describe them more fully. I thought I would have ended up giving them actual names, but that didn't seem right somehow - I could only describe them by attributes that had come to mind, and in my head they feel as if they are different ages.
I feel more rested though - and I feel good for having dozed and slept a bit yesterday - through the afternoon. It was good for me, and it felt ok - and I realise that I was more in touch with emotions than I normally would be. I think that is a realization that I can relate to - that I am able to be in touch with emotions now - whereas before I was stuck in some dissociated state or maybe derealization to a great extent - where it felt unreal and as if I was looking in on things, and not really being part of them.
I'm quite grateful for the ability to have done that, and to have been like that - because I think it protected me - it was a defense against realising the truth of things - and whilst grown-ups around me (my FOO) kept things from me and wouldn't admit/tell me the truth about things, so I was protected by various parts of me that felt I needed to be kept back from the truth.
I feel as if I'm talking in riddles, saying this - but it does make some sense to me.
I'm going to continue a little longer with this Journal, before starting the next one - because I want to have a better idea of my goals going forward, and so far, I'm not yet sure of my direction. So, I'll wait till I'm ready to start the new journal and then I'll list my hopes and objectives - if I'm able to articulate them clearly enough.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 23rd March 2019
***TW - Mentioning some violent sounding words - but not describing anything graphic.
I think I've been in an EF on and off over the past few days, since I last wrote in this Journal - because I have felt incredibly anxious to some degree, and also keep getting body experiences - including feeling as if my eyeball is being hit (I want to use a more graphic word there - but decided to put a softer word in place) and my heart is also being hit as well - thankfully that experience of that has gone away today - and I do feel calmer.
I do know some of the triggers for the above experiences - and I don't feel I can share those here at the moment, as they are related to FOO - and mentioning the specifics might be too identifying - at least that is how I feel in terms of not feeling able to share them - maybe I will at a later point - but there were unexpected things that happened this week - and I tried to cope with them, and did what I thought was best - and the result is that my inner parts are quite upset and concerned about things - I think they fear that the part of me that took the decision about what to do - maybe it was something that the others didn't like or appreciate.
I haven't been coping as well with my work as a result - my mind has been distracted and I've made more mistakes. So I'm glad it's the weekend now and I can rest. I had some time off in the early part of last week - so it was a short week - but still, it felt as if it went on for days and days - time took a different perspective.
I've sat and written nothing more - it's like my words have dried up for the moment, but I'm glad I came here and wrote something. I hope to come back tomorrow and write more. I hope that I'll feel a bit better.
Hope :)
Hey sweetie,
I hope you get the rest you need this weekend. I just want you to know that being distracted happens. We need to be easy on ourselves. Please be gentle with yourself. Take good care :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - Thanks so much :hug:
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Journal Entry on 24th March 2019
I definitely think I was in an EF for the past few days - because this morning I have woken and feel really quite different - I feel much better this morning. I feel like my mind is clearer and I can think properly. I hope this feelings lasts. I won't dwell too much on the past few days - and the circumstances that triggered the EF - incase I re-trigger myself. I really want to enjoy the moment of today -- if I can.
Hope :)
Hi Hope, I hope you have a great day today :)
SaB
Hi SaB,
My day was good thanks - I hope you also enjoyed yours. :thumbup: (I've never used that emoticon before, I hope it means 'good')
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Journal Entry on 25th March 2019
I'm not enjoying the fact that there are adverts for M's Day coming on the TV and on the internet - it isn't nice to be reminded of that - I will be glad when next weekend is over, but at the same time I'm not wanting to wish my days away - as I do think they are precious - each day, each hour. I just think that there will be expectations from other people for next weekend - not my own FOO, but my partner's family - and I find it tough each and every year to go through that - because I feel like I always pretend on the outside that I'm ok, but actually internally I don't feel ok - and the thing is that I am getting more in touch with my emotions now, which means I am feeling more things. I think that's progress in many ways, but it is tough to feel things.
I read what Libby wrote this morning - and I wanted to reply to her - but she wrote in someone else's Journal, so I didn't want to intrude there - but Libby - if you happen to read this, I want you to know that I really felt for the fact you had been through so much - I didn't realise you'd broken your arm, and that no one had helped you. That's horrible.
I feel very emotional at the moment - and I worry that I sometimes intrude - and say things where I might not do the right thing. Sometimes, I feel more confident, and other times - I feel I lack confidence completely - there are so many contrasting feelings wrapped up in all of this.
Sometimes I read what other people write - here in the forum - and I think that you all sound incredibly grown-up, and that I am very small and don't understand things - but I know I'm a grown woman.
I haven't been reading any self-help books lately - and somehow it's like the part that rubs things out comes along and closes the chapters, and then I can't remember where I had got to - or the thread of what I was doing - and I despair that I'll lose my direction. I want to focus on my summarising of where I've got to in the past 10 months - the duration of this second Journal - and I did begin the process, but then some events happened last week - and I was thrown out of synch with it.
I'm planning to just get through the week and cope with the weekend and M's Day - and then I'll hope to re-focus myself - and in the meantime, just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.
Hope :)
QuoteSometimes I read what other people write - here in the forum - and I think that you all sound incredibly grown-up, and that I am very small and don't understand things - but I know I'm a grown woman.
That's kinda funny - often, I read what you've written, Hope, and am amazed at the honesty and compassion you communicate.
Hi Three Roses,
Thanks for saying that, I appreciate it. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 28th March 2019
I don't know how I'm getting through these days, as it's been quite tough - I am feeling things quite strongly, and my amount of dissociating seems to be diminishing and getting less frequent, but this is causing me to 'feel' things much more, and that's proving to be tough for me. I know there have been more triggering events that have happened - and alongside the fact that it will be M's Day on the weekend - which is a difficult time of year for me anyway - I guess it's just added up.
I have been feeling as if I might 'snap' and there have been a couple of times when I've actually laughed inappropriately - it's like there was a part of me who just found some things excessively funny, and unfortunately expressed that at a moment when really it would have been better for me to have kept quiet. I can laugh about this after the event, but at the time I felt very weird really. I don't think the other person was all that concerned though - which seemed surprising to me.
I don't know what social events are going to be happening this weekend but I anticipate that people will try to organise things, and that I will be expected to go along potentially - and I am dreading that - because I feel like I can't get out of those things, even though I'd probably like to. But maybe they won't organise them, so there's uncertainty about what will happen. I don't feel that I can really take a lead in this - or put any boundaries down about it. Maybe that's why I feel a bit helpless about it. I don't know.
I'm feeling bad about the fact that housework kind of tasks are building up, and I'm not tackling them. So things look more untidy etc, and I need to get to sorting things out over the weekend, if I have the energy to do them. I'll see how it goes.
I started reading 'The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe' the other day - and I think that young Hope felt some comfort from reading that book. I only read the first couple of chapters, but I remembered some of the feelings I had when I was younger, and reading it.
I've suffered from a lot of tinnitus this week as well - normally it's only in one of my ears, but this week it's actually been in both of them, and has felt as if something is screaming at me - with the persistence of it.
Also, I had a period of about an hour when I experienced a part of myself that kept shouting out obscenities whenever my partner touched me in the night - during our sleep, and it was like that part of me just wanted him to 'get off me' and it was swearing at him internally - I am so thankful that I don't actually act out on those experiences, as it is disconcerting.
I've felt more panicky inside as well over the past few days - as if I'm being chased by something, and I'm frightened. But I know that nothing is actually chasing me, it's just the feeling of dread somehow. It's not all the time, just sometimes.
I feel a bit better for having written this, so that's a nice feeling.
Hope :)
Just sending :hug: :hug:
Hope, you have so many difficult things going on. Sending you support and a hug. :hug:
Just a :hug: to say I hear you....
:grouphug: to you all, Blueberry, Notalone and Three Roses - I really appreciate your hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: and supportive words. They mean a lot. Thank you. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 30th March 2019
I am so glad that the weekend is here, because I feel like I really need it. It was a heavy week for me - I found it tough to get through. Now the weekend is here, and I don't know what to expect of tomorrow (M's Day) but I am just hoping that it will be ok, and I'll get through it. Probably the thoughts of it, leading up to it, were worse than the reality of the day itself. I don't know. I'll see how it goes.
My partner told me that during the night - a couple of nights ago- that he had seen me in a very distressed state in my sleep, and I'd said 'I'm very frightened' - and that he had felt very concerned for me, as he said it's horrible for him to see me in such distress. He had responded by telling me that I was ok, and he had comforted me, and he said that I'd then appeared to settle and sleep again. I have no memory of any of this, but when he told me about it, I found that I felt distraught inside - and tears came to my eyes. So hearing him reflect on it, brings a very emotional and reactive response in me.
Last night I was reading an autobiography by Sally Field called 'In Pieces' - and it is proving to be a really helpful book to me. I have related to Sally Field since watching her play 'Sybil' in the film years ago, she really affected me in that film - I related to it a lot. Whilst I've been reading her autobiography I've been writing down in a written Journal what flashbacks come back to my memory - from my own experiences, which are triggered by her recounting of her own.
I just want to note a couple of things she said here, in this Journal, as well - to remind me:
on p.23 of her book she said (referring to her family) "All of them with wounds that wouldn't heal because no one acknowledged they were bleeding and yet needing the other to be near." and she went on to say "These generations of women, weaving a pattern into a lifelong garment, unconsciously handed down from mother to daughter to grand-daughter to me."
I relate to this because I know there are issues in my family going back generations - that haven't been talked about or processed and where the effects have been passed on down the generations, and often at an unconscious level. It is so powerful.
On p.29 of her book, she wrote "Carl Jung wrote, "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent."
I also relate to this, as I know things about my FOO's aspirations and hopes etc, and that some of those were not fulfilled due to circumstances, and therefore, I feel this impacted on their treatment of their children.
I feel as if reading someone's actual experiences and reflecting on my own, it's a powerful way to process things and re-process things - at a safe level and pace, because the things that come back to mind are trickling in, rather than coming in an unexpected way. Also, writing my experiences down in the book - it's a written hand-written book that I use, it is another way of sharing it - different to the typing that I do here in this Journal - and the combination of these ways, it seems to help.
Regarding tomorrow, I am trying to go with the flow of things - and see what happens - if other people organise social things, then I will try my best to engage with those things, and just get through them. That's my plan so far. I have no idea what will happen, and somehow I don't feel as anxious today - as I did in the past few days about these things.
I am calmer today. So far.
I think the fact I'm reading Sally Field's book means that for the moment I feel as if I'm on a journey with her, and I feel comforted by the fact she is writing about something that I relate to - and I want to discover what I can about her experiences and learn from them, and hope to process my own issues a little further. At some point, I might try to write about my own past in an autobiographical way - as I think that would be helpful to me to do. So far I have got various files with different stages of my life in them, but I have been realising recently that my order and timing of events is very very fragmented! Also, I realise that my assumption that I was more mature at some points, makes me realise that actually I was very young at those points, and therefore my concept of internal age is just mixed up and I'm beginning to link historical events - i.e. dates of songs or films etc, and my actual age - and then think about when an event/memory might have happened.
I had felt a lack of direction for a while, but somehow I feel a bit more focused that I'm facing things more head on again.
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: to you Hope. I hope things were OK for you despite being M's Day in your part of the world.
:hug: to you, Hope. Also, I want to encourage you to have confidence in your own journey. You are making incredible progress and it's nice how you open yourself to allow us a chance to observe this good work. No worries that others seem more grown up to you. You are a grown up, too, in real life. It is simply that the younger parts are so in need of healing. Keep letting their voices be heard. It works.
Hi BeHea1thy - I read what you wrote a few days ago, and it meant a lot - thank you so much. I especially found what you wrote about the bodily sensations being part of a willingness to process things at a deep level, and that made sense to me, and resonated with me. I do believe that my subconscious is allowing me and giving me permission to feel things. I appreciate your support very much, and would like you to know how much it has helped me. :hug:
Hi Blueberry - Thank you so much for those kind thoughts on M's Day (in my part of the world) - it was hard to get through those days but reading your words helped me - thank you. :hug:
Hi Jdog - Thank you so much. :hug: I related so much to what you said about the younger parts being so in need of healing - and I will do my very best to keep giving them appropriate space and opportunity to be heard - I am very keen to try to nurture them - if they'll allow me to do that.
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Journal Entry on 4th April 2019
I had some difficulty accessing this site sometimes, but managed to get through, and I feel as if I've emerged from a chain of EF's over the past few days. Right at this moment, I feel better in myself - and able to function and think - whereas over the past few days, I've felt that I've really been struggling to focus and I've been experiencing all kind of bodily experiences - but I have also realised that I've been processing things - and feeling more - and that is a draining process, but I think it's a good process for me - because my normal way of being has been to dissociate and numb myself - as opposed to what is happening more and more - i.e. feeling things.
I have finished reading Sally Field's autobiography - and it was such an emotional book for me to read - I related to so many of her experiences, and it made me feel very sad - and it made me cry a lot at points, and I felt over-whelmed sometimes. But the tears seemed to be cathartic at many levels, and I have ordered the DVD of the film 'Sybil' now - as I realise it came out in the 1970's originally, and therefore I think it was a film that I would have seen as a much younger person, and that it was likely to have impacted on me 'at that time' - and I'd like to watch it again as an adult, and see what I think about it now in the light of day - with my adult eyes. But I know that my Littles will most likely watch it too. I feel I need to watch it.
I have also watched some u-tube videos by an American therapist called 'Jerry Wise' and found them quite helpful. He spoke of quite a few things that I related to - including tendencies to 'shed power to others'; 'over own negatives'; 'Dissociate''; 'Detach from reality' and he mentioned 'unresolved intergenerational trauma' - which I really related to. He also talked about 'Negative grandiose fantasy' in relation to being over responsible for things - and I related very much to that - I do often feel as if I've caused negative things to happen, and for example think that I've made my FOO's life sad, because I am estranged from them - and yet, if I had retained contact with them, then my life would have been destroyed - in my opinion. The contact is toxic. I can't survive it. He also mentioned 'enmeshment' and being 'overly blended' with family - as well as 'family trance' - I could see these things in myself over the years so strongly.
Then I watched a video by a woman called 'Terri Cole' which was useful - she spoke of 'repeating reality' and 'ambivalent or avoidant attachment' as well as Healing via 'Corrective emotional experiences' and having a 'mentor' or role model that can provide experiences needed by a person.
Finally, Jerry Wise spoke of transactional analysis and the Parent, Adult and Child, and how 'healthy parenting NOW for my inner child/littles' would be a positive thing.
I wanted to jot down those notes, whilst they are fresh in my mind, as they gave me some inspiration and I felt better for watching those videos.
I think that reading the book by Sally Fields caused me to do extra processing in my mind - as during the night I had a very vivid dream which was quite strange. But I think it made sense.
Trigger Warning *** Mentioning CSA ***
The dream was about some kind of historic society where there were some relics and I was being shown them by some kind of Historian who was telling me that they represent symbols that indicated that the society were paedophiles who had made sculptures of various body parts and worhshipped them. Holding them in high regard. I was shocked to think that there could be a civilisation who would do this, and who lived in this way, but at the same time I wasn't surprised by it either - it was like I knew that existed.
End of Trigger warning.
I think it was a much more direct representation of something that I wouldn't normally allow into my psyche - and it surprised me to have dreamed that. I'm surprised at what I've just written there - i.e. that I just wrote 'something that I wouldn't normally allow into my psyche' - in that I mean - how could I prevent something being there? I wouldn't have control in that way. Strange that I think I do have control. I can't have control.
I'm in the process of 'investigating' my past again - in terms of gathering information from organisations - and I've contacted a department to ask for access to their information that might be held about me - I have had to provide proof of my identity etc, and they said the process will be commenced. I am now wondering if there will be any information - or whether they have to ask for that proof before they can even look - but I think it was a big thing to have felt brave enough to ask about this. I have no idea if anything will come out of it, but I want to find out.
I feel stronger at the moment, which is good as I had felt quite broken in the past few days - and was fearing that I might crumble - because I felt over-whelmed. I like this feeling of strength that is with me in this last couple of hours - I am not sure why it has joined me, but it gives me some real fortitude.
Hope :)
Hope-
You mentioned having trouble accessing the site - me, too. I thought it had to do with my devices, but it sounds as if there is something else going on with the site. Hoping they get it sorted and fixed soon.
Your ability to look deeply inside yourself and your dreams is amazing. I do not usually allow myself to dig that deeply. I hope your investigation into your past is helpful to you.
Great work. Take care and enjoy the feelings of strength when they arise!
Hi Jdog - Yes, I had difficulty posting the other day - I lost what I wrote. I hope I will be able to post this today - thank you for your comments - I had felt a bit bad about posting about my unusual dream, and my reaction to it, as I thought that I had some strange reactions, and so sharing those made me feel a bit vulnerable, but your reply validated me in some way, and I am so grateful to you for that.
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Journal Entry on 7th April 2019
My inner critic had given me quite a bit of critical expression after I wrote about my dream I had the other night - and was telling me I shouldn't have written about it, but I'm glad that I did - in the light of day as I write this today - I'm grateful for a place to write openly and share things, because I never felt able to do that when I was growing up - I had to keep things within myself - and whilst that was a way of coping at the time, it didn't help me to get any support or help along the way - and I could have done with that.
I wrote some more yesterday - but it was lost as I think I must have been timed out or something - so I hope that what I write now will be accepted and I won't lose it.
I felt vulnerable about starting my queries about my past - as I had to contact a Government department about it - but the person dealing with it has been really good - and assured me that they won't be contacting any of my relatives - although they said that they would have to remove any identifying notes about other family members in any information that they share with me. So I am intrigued now - because I wonder what information is held, and what they will share with me.
The thing is that whilst I suspect things from my past, I also have the thought that maybe none of it is really true - although I know that things are true - it's still a large part of my coping system to have blocked things out and not allowed myself to realise the truth of them, and parts of me hold onto that - and other parts know things. It annoys part of me to even write that, as I realise it sounds garbled and doesn't make sense. I think it's the strength of the mind to buffer a person against realising things that could destroy them - it makes things seem as if they happen to someone else, rather than to me.
Sometimes I think that maybe we're all in some kind of suspended animation, that isn't really true at all - but I realise that is nonsense as well. I am a real person.
**TW - Mentioning sexuality and libido - but nothing graphic...
Someone in the forum had written about their sexuality and libido - and I wanted to join in and say something back to them, but realised that I feel very mixed up about my own experiences - and I can't put into words how I feel about it - because it is too much for me to process it - and understand it. I think I would shock myself if I looked into it too much - there are elements of it that literally shock me - and frighten me, and there are also elements that I am comfortable with. So I guess I'm avoidant about it.
End of TW...
Writing about different parts of myself made me feel vulnerable as well - because it made me wonder what others might think of me. I think this upsets me - because I guess I want to know what people think, but there would be no way to know that - because with any interaction, how can you know what someone says is something that they say because they don't want to hurt you - or they want to protect you - or maybe even that they don't want to necessarily say how it made them feel.
I think that people here - would be likely to say things that are true - but people in daily life - when you talk to them face to face - how can you know what they think and feel, and what is true and what is not.
I realise that things I believed in my FOO were just blatantly NOT TRUE - they lied to me consistently, and yet they taught me it's important to tell the truth - but they didn't lead by example.
This reminds me that I have been coming into contact more with my anger about things - literally I am feeling angrier, and I rarely felt that before. I need to channel it safely - and I have told my partner that there is a 'crazy rage' inside me sometimes - but I told him it's not directed at him - and I hope he believes me. I am trying to reign myself in - but I am aware it is there.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on March 25, 2019, 07:11:12 PM
Sometimes I read what other people write - here in the forum - and I think that you all sound incredibly grown-up, and that I am very small and don't understand things - but I know I'm a grown woman.
This caught my eye Hope. I often feel as if I'm not a grown woman. I think part of that is shame-based e.g. feeling ashamed of not being able to work enough professionally, but I also have trouble with other very basic skills like cooking for more people than just myself. Idk if that's similar to how you feel or if you feel very small for a different reason. Anyway, you're not completely alone with this.
Sweet Hope,
You said you wonder what others think of you....
I can't speak to anyone else but I'd like to tell you what I think of you: I think you are an angel in this forum. Your kind heart shines through in each of your posts. I hate the trauma that you have suffered. I feel empathy for many of your littles as well. I appreciate each part of you. Even when I'm not participating in the forum much, I still genuinely think about you and smile. I feel safe talking to you. I don't feel safe with many people. So thanks for all you are and hugs to each part of you my dear :hug:
Hi Blueberry - I do relate very much to what you said - I struggle with some basic skills as well - and I can't cope with cooking for more than just me and my partner - it sends me into a big worry if I have to do more than that. I often feel like I can't tackle certain gadgets either - it's like I have a real blockage and just don't feel capable. I'm grateful for the fact there are u-tube videos that I can watch to find out how to do some things, but even then, I worry that someone is going to criticise my attempts - even though there's no one in my current life who would do that - i.e. the criticism comes from my memories of FOO and my inner critic etc. People around me in my life now - they are supportive and kind.
Hi Deep Blue - you are so kind to me to say that - thank you. I really appreciate you sharing that you feel safe talking to me - I feel the same about you. I appreciate all those hugs to the different parts of me and I would like to send you a safe hug to you and any parts you have that need a hug :hug:
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Journal Entry on 9th April 2019
I only worked for half the day today - and I ended up in bed for the afternoon - and I was in touch with an incredibly sad part of myself - in that I really felt grief and sadness at a very heavy level - but instead of trying to push it aside, I decided to just let it seep through me, and I tried to understand it - and think that it was part of me that was sad - and somehow when I finally woke up - I felt some relief. So I think that was a good thing. But it was a depth of sadness that was heavy and very intense. But it wasn't like the fear and fractious terror that I can feel when in touch with a different part of me - feeing the grief and sadness - it was definitely a different part. She felt older somehow - and as if she was in a dark room - like a gothic dining room with a hearth - my childhood home was very much like a gothic horror house - I suspect that is why I feel that way. My childhood feels like a gothic novel. Like it's not real - and yet I know things happened.
I had terrible tinnitus in both ears today - it was like somethings was literally screaming at me. I again just allowed it to wash over me - and I didn't fight it. It did reduce as time went on.
I've started reading the Experiential version of the Treating Dissociation book - the one that Wattlebird told me about - and I am going to buy a stress ball - when I get a chance, so I can try the experiential exercises - I've decided that my tendency to read about things, and intellectualise - I need to do more experiential things - otherwise I'll be trapped and unable to move forward - I want to move forward.
I do feel like I'm making some progress with things - and I feel as if I am no longer frightened of different parts of myself - I am befriending them gradually - and the more I'm reading about things - I realise that it's within more people's experience than I previously realised, and that makes me feel less alone with it.
I keep the people in this forum in my head - and think about them from time to time - and it feels like I have another 'family' here - who understand and support me. That's how it feels, and I am very grateful for that support - I think I rely on it quite a bit. It's like a safe place to come and it's like a haven.
:hug: to everyone here - who would like a safe hug.
Hope :)
:hug:
:hug: :)
:hug: :hug:
Thank you both Three Roses and SaB
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 12th April 2019
I had a dream last night - I've had dreams with similar themes before - the theme being that I'm travelling somewhere and there's a house (usually quite old) where I have stored lots of belongings. Normally the dream focuses on how limited my time is to pack up my belongings to move on to the next place on my travels - and how I can't necessarily do it in time, and it's really stressful. This time, it was as if I discovered that the belongings had been stored there a very very long time, and there was even food that had somehow been put inbetween items and had gone like cardboard through the age of it all - and it was as if some parts of papers etc were crumbling from decay and old age. Yet, instead of having the usual panic of trying to pack all this stuff - it was like I was being walked around the place and allowed to look and see the state everything was in, and it was as if someone who walked around the room with me was saying to me - 'Don't worry about all of this' 'You can leave it' 'You don't need all these things' 'Just leave them here' and 'Move on'.
I really think that this was quite significant in terms of how it made me feel when I woke up and considered the content of the dream, and the fact that I wasn't panicked within it, but felt calm. I really think that the reading and processing I've been doing recently has helped me - and that I am getting somewhere - such that my subconscious mind is processing things and allowing me to move forward in my dreams, and in my waking life too.
That's how it feels as I think about it. So that is a nice thing, and I am glad of it.
Hope :)
:thumbup: :hug:
:cheer: :hug:
Thanks so much Notalone and Blueberry :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 13th April 2019
Last night I had another vivid dream, and this time I seemed to be on some kind of really large 'antique' train - which somehow seemed to have carriages about the size of cinemas or theatres - and there were dark red curtains and old wooden seats. There was hardly anyone on the train and I was travelling somewhere- I have no idea where. Strangely when I woke in the morning, I found that my entire body was suffering as if I had arthritis - but I don't suffer from arthritis, so this felt quite alien to me - but literally I felt as if my body was aching all the way through it - and as if I'd been in an awkward body posture - thankfully I soon felt better once I started moving around and getting ready for the day.
Not sure what to make of that dream, but I wanted to write about it in my Journal. I realise I am having more vivid dreams lately.
My partner reminded me that the content of my dreams is much better than previously - when I was experiencing many more night terrors and being much more physical in my sleep. Screaming and jumping out of bed etc. I don't seem to have done anything like that for many months now. I am relieved.
I've been reading the Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation book today - and I've been reading my way through it, and it has so many practical things I can try out - that I am humbled by it. It is amazing and it makes sense - and I am going to try putting things in place.
This Journal is entitled 'Befriending My Parts' and I think I have made progress in doing that - and that I can actually witness conversations between them - in my mind - on regular bases - and I feel as if I'm more comfortable with the ones I've identified and that I'm beginning to put them into safe places in my mind where they can feel more comfortable.
I would like to do more of the exercise that looks at allowing them time to converse about things - and come together - and I hope to try to carve out time every day to try to do that.
The other thing I'm keen to do is re-write a time line of my personal history - and see where events slot in - as I realise I had things in the wrong order on many occasions, and as I've been considering flashbacks of memory and using google to search for when events in history have happened, it's meant I can then relate to my exact age when certain things happened - but I would like to look at that in a diagram or paper of some kind.
I also wanted to just write down a couple of things that I still feel quite phobic about - in that I am not very comfortable with talking about my work history or my intimacy issues, but I think that's ok - I will hopefully be able to talk more about those things at some point - and in the meantime, I can look at other things that I feel more comfortable to talk about and explore.
I have done a couple of social things this week - and I managed to cope reasonably well with them. This is good as I had cancelled some things last week - feeling unable to cope with them. So this week has been better in that respect.
I'm nearly feeling ready to think of my next Journal title - and start a fresh Journal - but I've not yet decided on what the title will be. I would also like to think of some things to write as my aspirations within that journal, and again, that feels challenging, so I'm not sure if I'll manage to do that or not. But hopefully I'll think of something and then start that new Journal.
I feel like I'd like to write some letters (not to send) to members of FOO - to try to work through and process some stuff, and that is also something I'm keen to do - but which feels quite daunting as well. But I know it's helpful whenever I've done that in the past, here in the forum.
Hope :)
:hug:
Thanks so much Jdog :hug:
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Journal Entry on 14th April 2019
**TW mentioning 'goodbyes' which are my personally very triggering triggers
Yesterday evening I decided to watch the film 'Goodbye Christopher Robin' - I should have realised that watching something that is so triggering would be impossible to watch - but the combination of themes in the first 5 or 10 minutes of this film - i.e. animals wearing clothes (which are triggering to me) plus the theme of the film being 'goodbyes' - I just found that I was overcome with emotion and couldn't stop crying whilst watching it - it was like a whoosh of emotion in my very young parts - and I couldn't cope with it at all - I had to stop watching the film.
My partner said that he wasn't surprised because he said there were quite a few themes in that first 10 minutes - he mentioned things like 1) there was no adult around 2) the child was alone with the toys and it was all about having to say goodbye to those toys
I wish I could understand more how those things impact me so much - the intensity of that reaction was shocking to me.
I wanted to write about it while it's fresh in my memory. I slept ok last night - I think I was dreaming, but didn't have any recall of the content of the dreams. I feel ok this morning. Although I do feel more sensitive to things generally today - and I feel quite vulnerable generally. But I think maybe I am still in a flashback and will feel better as the day goes on.
Hope :)
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for stopping watching the film. You protected your Little Hopes that way.
It's great that your partner is so perceptive and understands your triggers so well :applause: and he (I'm pretty sure anyway) won't be talking like some ICr afterwards, unlike some people's FOC and FOO members.
ime though it might be different for you, I only tend to understand why things are so difficult when the feelings aren't so terribly, terribly raw. Maybe there needs to be more of an Adult on board rather than us being in full-swing of an EF with multiple Little Ones around? I do understand your wish to know what's going on though! :hug:
Hi Blueberry - thank you - I appreciated everything you said there - it was really helpful. :hug: I have felt a bit raw today - and a bit vulnerable, but I've been kind to myself and got through the day ok, and I am trying to look after Little Hopes - they were very distraught by the effects of that film - I was shocked at the intensity of it. I think I need to think about it from a distance, and like you said, have an Adult on board.
Hope :)
Glad you are being kind to the little ones. All those parts deserve comfort and care.
Thank you notalone - I appreciate your kind words to my Little Hopes. :hug:
Hope :)
Hope,
Are you still reading "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe?" I went for a walk this morning and the sun was shining on the snow and the tree branches were weighed down from the heavy, pure white snow. I felt a little like I was in Narnia and I thought of you. I hope you have a comforting and peaceful day.
Hi notalone,
Yes, I am still reading it - although I've not got very far - I think I've read the first chapter so far - but I intend to continue. I was touched that you thought of me when you were in the white snow today - how lovely to be in Narnia - enjoying lovely snow. Thank you for your kind thoughts :hug:
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Journal Entry on 15th April 2019
I am beginning to realise that my tendency to dissociate quite often has really set me back sometimes - because it means that whenever I read books, I am not usually managing to read and process them to the level I would like - I am trying to slow things down, and really focus - and take my time more - and I think that is helping. I've also been noticing that I've not really known how to truly care for my 'Little Hopes' and that I need to develop ways to do that. Because I guess they dissociated from me because there were adult parts of myself that couldn't cope - that was what I was reading today - and it made sense. So I'm considering more how to protect and help them to feel I am there for them, and that I care. Because I do. But I feel helpless sometimes to know what best to do to help them.
Having this realisation helps. At least I am more aware of it now. That means I can hopefully do something more tangible about it.
Oscen has written some information about roles within families - and there was a link to a website - I need to look at it, because it looked really useful. I related to a lot that Oscen was saying, and I was very impressed by all the things written there.
I ended up comfort eating today - it was like I was wanting to stuff down some feelings that had surfaced - I recognise that, and I don't want to do that - I'm trying to change my behaviour with regard to handling emotions in that way. It wasn't too bad, but I didn't like how I ended up feeling.
But I am 'feeling' and that is ok.
Hope :)
:hug: just wanted you to know you've been heard.
Hi Three Roses - :hug: Thank you so much. I feel heard, and it helps so much. :)
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Journal Entry on 17th April 2019
I've been reading some things other people have said in the forum, and especially about how body memories can really impact on the body - and it makes me think back to the other morning when I felt as if my body had been bruised and felt as if I had arthritis- and I wonder if that might be because my angry part is getting more active and is affecting me at night in my sleep. I think this makes sense, and I am thinking about it.
I've experienced different body feelings - especially pains in my head, and even in my chest - but the feeling of being bruised throughout my body was quite new. I've suffered from back aches a lot in the past - but not so much in the present - which is interesting.
I do remember when I had therapy that my T had mentioned that I was 'carrying' a lot - in a physical sense and metaphorical sense - maybe I put that load down when I made the decision to become estranged from my FOO - but I still carry things related to it - in different ways.
I'm finding the thought of the Easter weekend to be a potentially stressful one - but I hope to be able to get through it ok. I just need to work tomorrow, and then I have some time off through till next Tuesday. There are some commitments amongst that, and some of them are social - and some of them are not yet planned, so there could be things happening that I will feel a bit unready for - but I'll do my best to see how it goes.
I did have a look at that website that Oscen talked about - the one relating to family roles, and I think I jumped on the 'Lost child' role too quickly - I realise my role has changed over the years, depending on what was going on in the family - I have taken different roles over time, and whilst I can see some of the roles I've taken, I don't feel comfortable yet to write those down beyond that - maybe there are parts of me that dislike some of the roles that different parts of me have played, and don't feel safe to divulge them - I'm not sure, but I'm going to sit with my thoughts on it for a while, and might feel comfortable to write more over time. I feel quite vulnerable sometimes - so want to protect myself.
I'm not sure what I'm protecting myself from, but it's the sense I have.
Hope :)
Hi Hope, wishing you a good Easter weekend and also best wishes with your bruised / sleep feelings. I often have dreams where I can't move and then I wake feeling heavy and muscle weary. I think I 'hold' onto a lot, too, in everyday life.
SaB
Hope,
I'm thinking of you today. I'm wearing my shirt that says HOPE on it and trying to feel your spirit.
Was it me that was talking about body memories? It was suggested that I should try a mantra to ease them. I'm fiddling with one right now.
Just wanted to send you love and support and let you know I'm sitting with you on this. :hug: safe hug if it's ok
Hi SaB - Thank you so much, and wishing you a good Easter weekend too - thank you for sharing your experience of bruised/sleep feelings, it is helpful to know that it is something that can happen - I hope we get some restful sleep :hug:
Hi Deep Blue - I have been thinking of you too - and I hope that my spirit is able to reach out to you across the miles - and offer you some gentle but heartfelt support - :hug: I know how difficult this weekend is for you - well, I can't know how you feel exactly, but what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate it is a difficult and challenging Anniversary - and I am thinking of you. Yes, you were one of the people mentioning the body memories - there have been a few mentions from different people, and hearing everyone talking about them, it makes me understand myself a little more - because I have read the book 'The Body Keeps the Score' but I didn't appreciate quite how relevant that is - I am beginning to realise it more as I experience these things more. Thank you for the safe hug, and I send you one too :hug:
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Journal entry on 19th April 2019
I am trying to pace the weekend, and cope with it step by step. I think it is working, as I've felt ok so far. Infact I've had a couple of flashbacks to positive memories - I had a visual of some food put on a wall for some kind of bird, and it was as if I'd read a childhood story in the past where that might have been the case, and there might have been an illustration in the book - and I literally saw the flash of the picture - but I can't relate to which story it was, but I know that it gave me positive thoughts - and it was lovely that the young part of myself showed me something nice like that. I thanked her for doing so. I've been trying to do the visual thing of inviting my parts to communicate - and trying to do this each day - and I'm beginning to have more flashbacks as a result of that. I think I feel better about doing this now - and I hope that it will be something I can continue.
I have cancelled a social thing - but accepted another one - so I am making some choices - and that feels quite good to have done that. Step by step. I hope that the weekend will be ok.
So far so good.
Hope :)
:applause: Sounds like you are making good choices to take care of yourself. :cheer:
Hi Notalone - thank you so much :hug:
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Journal entry on 20th April 2019.
I had a tough night last night - I experienced a flashback that was so strong and put me in contact with what I think Pete Walker called the 'depression melange' - there was a very frightened and anxious part of me, and I literally felt or heard her crying out - and I felt her fear and upset. The flashback has stayed with me for much of today - but now it's the evening, I am feeling somewhat better - it's as if I am out of that melange, and feeling lighter. I am relieved, as I felt quite depressed and low in mood for much of the day - I was relieved that I didn't have any social things today - I do have quite a few tomorrow though, so I hope I will be ok.
I've been reading through my notebook where I keep my detailed notes on the various books I've read - and re-reading the things there was very helpful, but also put me in touch with many things - but it felt like a re-cap of what I've been trying to learn, and I feel like I know the direction I am going in, with regard to working on my 'stuff' and helping myself to process and continue to befriend my parts.
I am beginning to feel compassion for them, and to view them with some understanding - and also to appreciate what different parts of me went through, and how each of us played a part in coping. I feel as if I'm gaining some trust from some parts of myself that I couldn't access before - and I feel honoured and also so relieved that they are making contact with me, and beginning to share things, even though some of the feelings I've ended up 'feeling' are really tough - but they aren't new - I felt them before - I remember those feelings more now - I am just amazed at how a very small child can experience such feelings - it is horrible to think that Little Hopes dealt with things - but somehow she got through her childhood. Although the developmental stages are frozen at various stages - I realise that.
I think it was Pete Walker who spoke of the parts sitting together on a bus - but maybe it was in Sally Field's book 'Pieces' that I read that - I am getting muddled up about where I read things and who said what. Sally Field saw a therapist, and I think he said it. It was like she was able to recognise her parts and how they can travel together - and approach life in that way. I think that's what I'd like to achieve - with better relationships between them, and being able to live life more in the present.
I was in touch more with an angry part of myself too - and that part actually physically hurt my partner by squeezing his hand so it hurt him - he complained about the pain, and I realised that it was my Angry part that had acted in that way - but I also realised that I could have stopped that happening, and yet I didn't. So I am hoping that it won't happen again, as I don't want to hurt him. He is a gentle person, and I don't think he would ever hurt me intentionally, so I don't want to do that to him either - regardless of whether parts of me are trying to act out.
I have been overeating, and I guess it's comfort eating. I'm trying not to overdo it, but it's hard.
I am finding this weekend quite tough really - but I'm doing ok.
Hope :)
Hope, I can relate to so much of what your wrote; flashback, the parts, eating for comfort, etc. Glad you are (mostly) out of your flashback. Sending you (all the parts!) compassion and a hug. :hug:
Hi Notalone - thank you for your compassion and the hug - I appreciate both those things very much. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 21st April 2019
I have got a lot of things on today - social things connected to Easter - but I'm managing to cope ok - and some moments have been very nice - and others have been a bit stressful, but I've managed to cope and so on balance I would say it's ok so far. I think I will be very tired by the end of the day though!
No time to say more than that - got to go.
Hope :)
Hope-
Balance is such a great thing to discover, especially at a stressful and busy time. I'm glad you have discovered some balance and ease. And yay for Pete Walker's help for all of us. I have been dealing with depression recently too, and it's feels sort of like I suddenly fall into a ravine and my younger parts are there and feel so sad. And then, we usually climb out of the ravine and see sunlight eventually.
Just thought I would share. :hug:
Hi Jdog - I found what you wrote about the ravine to be really helpful - and that you can climb out of the ravine and see the sunlight eventually - that is a really helpful way to think about it - I am going to consider that next time, because I think it will help me to think of it that way - so thank you so much - I appreciate you sharing that very much. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 22nd April 2019
Whilst I still have these thoughts fresh in my mind, I'm going to write about them, as I thought it was interesting and I want to remember them. Yesterday I had quite a few social things to go to and I found the day quite stressful in that respect, but at the same time, I did manage to cope - and things weren't as bad as I anticipated they might be. I nearly broke down in tears at one point, when one of my inners freaked out about something - but I was glad that I was able to keep myself together and not show that distress once I was in the company of other people. I was however aware that I was dissociated sometimes - but thought that it had essentially helped me to get through everything. I do remember a lot of what happened yesterday.
In particular, what I wanted to remember here - is that I noticed how a Critical part of me - and I am not sure if it's an Outer Critic or an Inner Critic, so I'm not sure of how to describe it accurately, but essentially it's a 'Critic' - but it was as if that part of me became hyper-sensitive for the day, and was taking the role of wanting to be extra critical of anyone around me - as if it was trying to say to me that other people didn't necessarily look out for me - and should therefore be criticised. However, the fact I was aware of this, and could see it for what it was, meant that I could handle it differently and not listen to the criticisms in the same way that I would have done previously - I was able to have a dialogue with that part and I was grateful for the fact it was looking out for me and trying to protect me, but I also tried to communicate that there wasn't the same need to do that - as people around me were actually good people, and that they were kind and not likely to hurt me.
Anyway, I got through the day. Today is more peaceful - I don't have any more social things - and I can enjoy a day off - and I'm not sure what I'm going to do today, or how I'm going to spend the day, but I am just glad to have the space and opportunity to enjoy the day. So that is what I hope will happen.
Hope :)
Hope, fantastic self-awareness and dialogue. Sounds like you dealt with the critical part in a very healthy way; you knew she was trying to protect you and you were able to reassure her that you were with good, safe people. Hope your day is peaceful and renewing.
Hi Hope, I just wanted to say I think that you can have that inner dialogue is fantastic. It must be a very calming and grounding thing, to be able to do that. I hope you've had a nice restful day after your busy one.
SaB
Hey Hope
Just wanted to send you some :hug: :hug: and love. Glad you got through last weekend, I felt we were in it together a bit there.
Take care sweetie
Hi Notalone, SaB, and Deep Blue - thank you all for the kind things you wrote, and sending you all a hug, if that's ok :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 24th April 2019
***Tw - Mentioning uncomfortable feelings around body proximity contact, but nothing graphic mentioned**
Firstly, would like to recall and write about the dream I had last night, because it made me think that I was getting in touch with a young part of myself - probably from my teenage and early 20's kind of age - I was in the dream and I was going to work in a retail job somewhere - and attended an interview where they then insisted that I got on a bus to be taken to a far-away place for further training. There were large queues at that destination, and I remember feeling very uncomfortable, and then I was in a queue where people were very close - body to body contact, and there were older men and one of them was beginning to touch me and hold me close to his body, and I felt very uncomfortable and unable to do anything about it.
This dream, when I woke, made me think of how my F had tended to inappropriately touch me when I was a teenager and also in my early 20's - and how I had tried to stop him in various ways, but how some experiences with older men when I was a young adult, they were such that I felt unable to stop inappropriate kind of contact/touch. I just feel horrible about this when I think about it - because I should have asserted my boundaries more - and not ended up putting up with things. There are memories that I have where I think that I did fight and resist things, but yet I wonder if I really did that, because I think that I most likely went into a freeze/dissociated kind of reaction, and 'put up' with stuff.
I remember a friend telling me once in my early 20's that she thought I flirted a lot with older men - I wasn't aware of that. But when I think of it now I think that maybe I was trying to be someone who pleased other people, and who became what they wanted me to be. I felt malleable and not in my right sense about my boundaries. I don't think my boundaries were good.
I have been re-reading Pete Walker's book 'From Surviving to Thriving' and I am beginning to realise that I probably need to work more on reducing my inner critic, because I have been trying to be compassionate towards that part of myself, and essentially that has worked to a degree, but at the same time, I also noticed that I became more triggered and had more flashbacks - and it was almost as if the inner critic and the outer critics 'woke up' and started having a go - and I need to try to challenge them, and basically tell them I don't need that kind of behaviour - because the people in my life in the current time are supportive and loving people, and the people who hurt me in the past are a long way away and can't hurt me now. Only if I let them enter my mind, and I try not to do that.
For some reason, this time reading Pete Walker's book made more sense than it has done previously - and I think I am beginning to get it more than I did at first. I'm not sure how long this will last, because the clarity I felt was clearer than normal, and I know it could disappear again. But I'll try to hold onto it.
Also, I have noticed that my part that 'rubs things out' has ended up rubbing out some memories of my earliest sexual relationships - with partners - and I'm surprised, because normally I think I can remember such things well - but now I have lost details and I can't remember what happened. I can now believe that the brain can truely protect someone by literally erasing memories - but I suspect they remain dormant somewhere, so I think I could similarly bring back details too - but I'm trying to be careful and pace myself and only do what I can cope with. I think I'm getting that balance reasonably ok.
I am relieved that the weekend is over, as it felt daunting in many ways, but I did get through it ok. Back to work again now, and it's going ok so far. I have been a bit stuck on a work project, but I have discussed it with someone - and she was helpful and encouraging, and I think I can get myself unstuck and I'll try again tomorrow to make progress.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 28th April 2019
This week has been quite emotional in many ways - and I think it's because I'm 'feeling more' - and that is something that I'm finding quite hard to cope with, but at the same time, I am finding that each phase that I experience is strengthening. I am reminded of what Deep Blue was saying in her journal - as she also spoke of feeling strengthened - so maybe that has resonated with me - but I do feel it.
Yesterday I was able to do more things at home, and managed to get more things done than I would normally - and I felt good about it.
I've re-read all of Pete Walker's book now - the Surviving to Thriving one - and I felt like it made more sense to me this time than it ever has. The first time I read it - it was painful, as it struck so many chords that were bitter for me, but each time I re-read it, I am beginning to really relate to Pete's experiences, and I feel like I empathise with him. He describes many things that I have felt - and I am learning more about myself.
Whilst I am writing this today - I am feeling a sense of frustration, because I felt like I had quite a few 'realizations' that had come to mind - and that I wanted to list here today - but somehow I can't remember what they were! This is really frustrating. I have taken notes though, in my 'Trauma Journal' (which is a hand-written book where I write down things). I may pop back later, and share some of them here.
I am still considering what to call my new Journal, and make the leap to starting it - I've just got Pete's book to hand, and looked, and now realise I've not quite finished reading it - I'm at p.286, at the part entitled "Rescuing the Survivor from the Critic" - and actually I feel like that is a key subject that I need to focus on, as I've made this realization for sure:
Realization: I need to shrink the Critic, especially the one that is the proxy of my parents - because she is constantly acting in a way that isn't helpful, and I need to work on reducing that behaviour, and developing a kinder and more reality based appraisal of situations.
Hope :)
Had to come back, as a paragraph in Pete Walker's book has just struck me as extra significant
p.286
"A key place to practice healthy rescuing is in the realm of the critic. I believe there is an unmet childhood need for rescue that I help meet when I "save" my client from the critic, the proxy of her parents. This is the need no one met. The child was not rescued from her traumatizing parent. This was terrible neglect on the part of the other parent, the relatives, the neighbours or teachers who ignored the signs that she was withering from being abused."
He goes on to say
"Decades of trauma work have taken me to a place where my heart no longer allows me to be silent when someone's inner critic is on the attack. Silence, in my mind, is equivalent to tacit approval. I can no longer sit quietly and not intervene when survivors abuse themselves with their parents' internalized voice."
This is really helpful to me.
Hope :)
Thanks for quoting that. I see now that that's what my T points out to me. He is doing some re-parenting there. I'm glad the quotation is helpful to you too Hope.
I think also here on the forum that some members do a bit of negating the ICr. for other members when they don't notice that is what's going on. You, Hope, spread a lot of compassion around. Much appreciated!
I've read posts of yours recently and thought how much progress you're making. So now I'm finally telling you. :hug: :hug:
Dear Hope, I just want to quickly say that inner critic, inner child, self compassion and managing flashbacks is probably where my own focus is going to be for the forseeable future, and I just want to offer you my moral support on that. :grouphug:
SaB
Hi Blueberry - Yes that quotation was extremely helpful to me, and I'm glad it's helped you also. I very much appreciate you letting me know that you see some progress in my posts - I do feel it as well - and it's good to hear. Thank you :hug:
Hi SaB - I appreciate you offering your moral support on the process of doing the inner critic, inner child, self compassion and managing flashbacks - I hope that we both will negotiate these things - and get through them stronger. Moral support is amazing - thank you :grouphug:
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Journal Entry on 1st May 2019
I received a reply from the Social Services department today - and a pdf document of excerpts from their notes that the Social worker made back in the 1970's - amazing to think they kept their notes from that far back, and I've found it very emotional to read them. I guess it makes it more 'real' that Social Services were involved with my family - because sometimes I doubt things - even though at another level, I know they are real. But seeing it in black and white like that - it brings it more to reality.
I shared the contents with my partner, although I couldn't read them out loud to him, as I just couldn't speak the words - I felt really upset - but it felt like younger parts of me were upset.
I can't really say more about it now, but the emotion has calmed - at least for now - and I am glad that I did enquire about this, and I am still processing the contents that I read there.
A long weekend is coming up - another Bank holiday weekend - I feel as if I need that extra time.
Hope :)
Hi BeHea1thy, Thank you so much - that is so supportive, and I appreciate your comment very much. I am being extra kind to myself and my Little Ones. Reading the file results from Social Services has been more emotional than I realised it would be. But I am processing things, and I am ok.
:hug: to you.
Hope :)
Quote from: Hope67 on May 01, 2019, 05:42:40 PM
I guess it makes it more 'real' that Social Services were involved with my family - because sometimes I doubt things - even though at another level, I know they are real. But seeing it in black and white like that - it brings it more to reality.
I shared the contents with my partner, although I couldn't read them out loud to him, as I just couldn't speak the words - I felt really upset - but it felt like younger parts of me were upset.
I can't really say more about it now, but the emotion has calmed - at least for now - and I am glad that I did enquire about this, and I am still processing the contents that I read there.
I understand the doubting. Last weekend I received some "confirmation," not in writing, but some things that my sisters said. I also am still reeling and processing. Even though difficult, I'm glad you received confirmation. Please treat yourself with care and kindness. :hug:
Sending a compassionate :hug: your way as you begin to process that info contained in their report.
Ditto what 3R said, from me, Hope. You are precious and likely feeling pretty raw. Be gentle with all of your selves. :grouphug:
Ditto what Jdog said from me :bighug: :grouphug: for you and your little ones.
I understand doubting though knowing.
I can remember not being able to say words, or being able to speak but only in a whisper when it was about difficult things from the past. That sounds like you not being able to read out loud to your partner. I'm glad you could share another way with him as he seems supportive.
Hi Notalone - Thank you so much for your kind words, and I hope that you are ok after receiving the things that your sister said. I agree with you that extra information is something that really can make us reel as we try to process it. I have felt this week has been much harder, as a result of the extra information. I am still trying to process it - at so many levels. Thank you. :hug:
Hi Three Roses - I appreciate your compassionate hug very much - thank you :hug:
Hi Jdog - Yes, I have felt quite raw - that is a good description which I relate to - and I am being gentle with myself and all my selves this week. I am glad to have the weekend - and the fact it's a longer weekend thanks to the Bank Holiday. I am relieved. :hug:
Hi Blueberry - Thank you so much and sending you a hug too - I really appreciate the support. :hug: I also appreciated hearing you say that you understand 'douting though knowing' because this is a familiar feeling for me. Yes, I wasn't able to read out loud to my partner, but I was able to hand the paper to him, and he read it out loud instead, and it was helpful that he did that. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 4th May 2019
I am relieved that the weekend is here - I feel like I really need time and space - and yet somehow the day has gone past so quickly - we had unexpected visitors this morning and also quite a few things to do related to household kind of stuff - and there are some social things I feel I have to do tomorrow as well - I think I'm feeling a bit over-whelmed still - but I'm doing ok.
I have been considering talking about the Social work reports with a good friend of mine - so I think I will think about the best way to approach that - and whether to do that. But I think it would help to hear the perspective of my friend, and see what she thinks.
In many ways seeing things written down, by Social Workers from the past, it opens up more questions - and I don't think they can be answered - as I haven't got anyone reliable from that time to ask - and of course, no one from that time was ever truthful to me, or open with me. So I need to proceed carefully regarding how best to process and proceed. But I am glad that I sought out the information, as it has helped me.
Hope :)
hey, hope,
seeing things in black and white also makes it more real for me, erases the doubt, and has a bigger impact, it seems, than when it's just in my head. do you think there might be some grieving involved w/ this 'seeing' of your past?
i'm glad you have some time and space for processing. i think this kind of thing is huge. i'm not surprised that your little ones feel agitated - it's a big deal for them to see their beliefs validated. at least, that's what comes to my mind. i can picture them. :grouphug: to all of you. sending love.
Hi SanMagic, I appreciate your reply so much, thank you. I think you're right about there being some grieving involved - as I have certainly felt quite a few feelings and reactions to processing the notes I read from the Social Worker's report. :hug: to you, SanMagic.
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Journal Entry on 6th May 2019
I've found it really hard to process everything that has come up for me this week - I have felt over-whelmed and I know I've been in a few EF's over the past few days. However, I feel like I can notice these more, and that I'm more aware of when I'm in an EF, as compared with something else, and I'm less worried or concerned about them, as I know that they do pass after some time - and I'm trying to focus on sticking with the emotions and feeling them, as opposed to dissociating and reacting to them.
A few friends have contacted me recently with issues that they have - personal things that they are finding hard to cope with, and I've tried to be there for them. I have noticed that I've not shared any of my own things - or said what has happened for me, in terms of finding out the new information - but I just don't know whether I want to go there or not. Some of my friends know more than others - I have been more open about things. But I feel hesitant and also I don't want to encroach on their time, as they are going through their own things. But I am mindful that a friendship goes both ways, and I've probably been far too 'people-pleasing' in the past - in that I've tried to be certain ways to my friends, and have often then neglected my own things.
I feel like I want to write a 'letter to' the Social worker - in the other part of the forum where I could express some things I'd like to say to her - even though I know she might not even be alive now - or might be very elderly now. In anycase, I wouldn't be able to discuss things with her, or know what went through her mind when she came to visit my family - and made the conclusions she made. I wish I could have spoken to her about things, and told her how I was feeling. I think she purely observed me, rather than spoke with me. But of course I don't know.
I feel as if I've lost my way a bit, in terms of not reading anything in the self-help arena at the moment. It's as if I felt over-whelmed and then part of me told me to shut all the books and put them aside, and now I don't know where to focus or what to concentrate on. Maybe that's ok. Some time to just process what I have already read, and think about things.
I've got through the weekend - and there were some social things that I would rather not have had to face, but I was able to - and it was ok.
I feel as if I've let down some of my 'parts' because I intended to do a regular Meditation Circle kind of procedure, and ensure they had chance to come and communicate with me, and I've not managed to do that. It's like I've let them down. I feel bad about it.
But it's been hard. I feel very emotional as I've said that, which is unusual for me to feel that so immediately - I normally have to re-read things to feel the emotion - but somehow it's just whooshed into my mind.
I was reading my Trauma diary today - where I keep notes of my issues and diagrams and time lines, and I felt pain in my head and my temples as I read things - which indicated to me that there were parts of me that were upset and communicating with me whilst I read those things.
Having some Social work notes, and seeing them in black and white, it's made me feel some anger towards my FOO - how could they pretend nothing happened - how could they be complacent and just think that it didn't matter? It mattered. It was my life. I guess they were trying to cope with things - in their own ways, but noone seemed to be looking out for me. I desperately tried to be whatever they all wanted me to be, and split myself off into so many fragmented parts in the process of that - yes, I've survived it - I've got through, and I guess I might be stronger for it, but I also feel that I wasn't able to give myself what I truely needed - which was unconditional love. Care and attention. I need to focus on providing those things now for my younger selves.
I think I'll call my new Journal 'Continuing to Befriend My Parts' because it's a process that I need to work further on. I'll leave that as a potential name, and if I feel ok about it later in the week, then I'll start a new Journal with that name.
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: You're going through so much, processing so much atm. When I was working more with ICs than I am now I used to feel bad when I neglected them a bit, till I realised that it's not like neglecting real children, the way most of us on here were neglected in childhood. So please be gentle on your Adult self if you don't do your Meditation Circle just because there's so much other stuff going on.
"But I am mindful that a friendship goes both ways, and I've probably been far too 'people-pleasing' in the past - in that I've tried to be certain ways to my friends, and have often then neglected my own things." This sounds very familiar. In the case of 2 friends where I neglected myself too much and was there more for them - well, they aren't my friends anymore. When I finally realised how things were and spoke up about it, I guess they were so used to dumping on me that they didn't see anything wrong with continuing and they certainly weren't expecting me to stand up for myself. I hope you get to keep your friends, but only if it's good for you.
It sounds like real progress that you're feeling some anger towards FOO! :hug:
:hug: I have no words atm, really tired, but want you to know I think you're brave and insightful.
I'm too out of it to write any sensible words, but do want to send you a hug. :hug:
Hi Blueberry - :hug: Thank you. I really appreciated what you said about the ICs work and also what you said about friendships too. Plus, yes, I felt some anger towards FOO - and I do think that was a step forward.
Hi Three Roses and Notalone - thank you both :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 7th May 2019
I am feeling a bit better today - calmer and actually happier. It almost feels as if I've been down in the valleys and troughs and come up to smell some mountain air - and feel some purity of thought somehow. Like being in an oasis of calm. I quite like that feeling. I hope it stays with me for a while.
I don't really understand where it has come from, but I'm enjoying it.
Hope :)
Quote from: ah on August 05, 2018, 08:24:41 PM
For example, I might do this: take a few moments to breathe and try to be in my body (instead of my usual habit of dissociating all the time); then I gently and cautiously go through a specific memory, then I also go through what I'm feeling when I remember that memory (I might give the feelings names: I now feel sad, angry, shocked, disgusted, whatever it may be), and I might add more things like trying to imagine the same thing happening to someone else which helps me feel compassion. I can't feel compassion for myself, but when I imagine the same memory in someone else's life quite often it helps me turn the really heavy sadness, for example, into something softer that's less painful.
Or I might go through the memory and then imagine the people who were in it are sitting next to me now and I talk to them. Calmly, as the person I am today, I tell them what I think about what they did and the impact it had on me.
I hope it's ok to quote what 'ah' said here in my own journal, it's just that it looks really helpful as a strategy, and I wanted to remember what Ah had said.
Hope
I need to write about what has just been happening, because I really thought I was feeling calm, but I realise that what happened was that I had watched a video about Cults and somehow had floated off into some dissociative thoughts, which I then interpreted as feeling calm and pleasant like breathing mountain air - but actually I think it was more like I'd dissociated into a pleasant but unreal place.
Then I felt lot of pressure building - and feeling tension over time. I came back to the forum, and I found the quote that 'Ah' had said, and I thought it will be helpful for me - to try doing that process sometime - not now though. I realise I am not particularly stable in my thoughts and feelings today. I thought I was ok. But I am feeling quite up and down really.
I have some time coming up where I know there will be some triggering events - and I fear that I'll feel abandoned - even though I won't actually be abandoned, I know my younger parts and ICs will be fearful, and I am not entirely sure I can help them to feel contained. So the Adult self in me is worried about that.
I feel tension in my throat area - and I've also noticed many more body feelings in the past few days - it's like my body is waking up and reacting to things. I don't usually feel things so prominently - but I am feeling them, and it's painful. It's like my body has been taken over really - although I know it hasn't.
***TW - Mentioning things that are triggering, but not graphic
When I've been watching TV programmes, I've noticed that my ICs are focusing on small details like wall-paper again - and the things I've been watching have been a bit retro and some of the wall-papers have been ones I've seen during my childhood, which then interests the ICs even more. I feel sure I used to dissociate into wall-paper patterns in the past - that makes sense to me, and I relate to it. I also used to focus on floaters in my eyes when a very young child. It was like I could see them and they took on patterns especially with sunshine behind them.
I feel as if my ICs want me to write more about their experiences, but at the same time, I don't feel that I can. I'm not sure I could cope. I feel an immense pressure inside. Like something wants to come out. This makes me feel very emotional - I think I could cry. I don't want to cry at the moment though - my partner will be here soon, and I don't want to be upset infront of him today.
Now my stomach hurts - this is definitely impacting on my body.
I know I will be ok, but this is very intense.
Hope :)
Hope,
You have so much going on with the adult you trying to cope and concerned about things coming up, your body feeling things intensely, ICs wanting to talk about their experiences. I also understand about the focus on the wallpaper pattern. Just want you to know that you are heard. I know it is really hard. :hug:
Hope, I'm thinking of you.
I completely understand and it can be sooo overwhelming. It is empowering to read your words "I know I will be ok." It is intense. It's hard, scary work, figuring this all out and letting it pass through. It sounds like you are staying conscious of what you are experiencing, even through dissociation, acknowledging what you are experiencing and how you feel about it. To me, that makes you so brave and strong. :hug:
My dear sweet Hope,
I did the same as a kid. I dissociated both with the pattern on the couch... and by using paint drips on the wall (no wall paper)
So may I just offer a safe :hug: to you and let you know I've been there sweetie. Let's sit together on this k?
Hi Notalone, MoonBeam and Deep Blue,
I feel emotional reading your replies, and thank you. :hug: :hug: :hug: That is a heartfelt hug for each of you, if that's ok. I really appreciate what you each said, and it means a lot.
I can't say much more than that right now, but I am so grateful for this place and the support here.
Hope :)
Belatedly I'd like to express my support... :hug: to you and your Littles.
Hi Hope just want to send a quick :hug: if that is OK
SaB
Hope-
I also recall staring at wallpaper patterns - and trust me, they were not lovely, just busy and that orange color so favored in the 1970's. I remember images of coffee pots and spoons in the kitchen. You are not alone, Hope. I am standing with you as you encounter memories that may be triggering. :hug:
Hi Three Roses, SaB, & Jdog - thank you all so much :hug: :hug: :hug: I really appreciate your support.
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Journal Entry on 12th May 2019
I have been struggling a bit this last few days - and today I have ended up bingeing to numb my feelings - I feel sick as I write this, because I have literally over-eaten so much. I feel bad about it but at the same time, I recognise this as something I used to do a lot - when I was in my 30's, and it's something I had got under control more as I grew older. But today - I just reverted to doing it - and I am determined to try to do better over the next few days. My partner is away at the moment, so I haven't got anyone around to stop me from overeating - I do need to stop myself. I've decided I won't eat any more for the remainder of the day.
I had a dream last night - where I was clearing out a massive place where there was lots of belongings and limited time to move - this is a recurrent theme for me, but this time, I seemed to make more progress, and actually ended up cleaning up some horrific things - festering things that shocked me - and I managed to clean them. But there was one room where it seemed very polluted, and I struggled to breathe in there, and infact thought I was going to die - but somehow I managed to get out of that room and made it back to safety. I think I woke up around that time, and felt such relief.
I have been processing more things over the weekend, and due to having space to myself and not having my partner around - it's meant I can watch films that I wouldn't normally watch - some emotional ones - and I was able to cry and it felt cathartic. I could really let my feelings out - they weren't really related to the content of the films, I felt an outpouring of emotion and grief relating to my FOO and realising that the whole situation isn't a good one.
I also watched a few U-tube videos and in particular one by Bradshaw about healing wounds - he did an exercise with the audience where he suggested the wounded child returned to the house they lived in when small and that a safe rescuer took their hand and lead them out of that house and towards people who truly cared and wanted the child, and so I imagined that along with the others in the audience, and kept my eyes closed and listened to his words, and imagined it - and found myself again in floods of tears, but it felt positive.
Anyway, I feel exhausted now - and my partner will be back late tonight - so I hope that I can sleep a while before I see him. I also had to do something social too - which felt overwhelming, but I managed to cope with it. So it's been ok.
But I wish I hadn't eaten so much - I feel very greedy and over-full. I am going to sleep now.
I have also written to one of my friends about the Social work stuff - and my feelings about it - which felt like a safe way to communicate - and I will hope to hear what she thinks about it. I trust her judgement, and I am glad I shared it with her.
Hope :)
Try not to beat yourself up Hope,
These things happen. Be gentle with yourself.
Sending you support :hug:
I really love John Bradshaw! His work is still relevant. I credit him with a large measure of the healing I managed to attain as a young mother.
Hi Deep Blue - thank you - I am being kind to myself - I had a warm bath, and I went to bed, and slept a little - I've woken up, and my partner has texted me to say he's on his way home - so I'm happy! I'll be seeing him soon. Later tonight. I am very happy!
Hi Three Roses - yes, John Bradshaw is great isn't he. I've read a couple of his books, and have found them really helpful, and now I've discovered his U-tube videos, I hope to watch more - but it was a powerful exercise with the audience, and I am pacing myself. I feel sure that's why I had my dream last night - as a result of processing things over the weekend. I'm glad to hear that John Bradshaw also helped you, when you were a young Mum.
**********
I am feeling better - I had a bit of a sleep, and I've put my over-eating behind me now - I did it, and it could have been worse. Thankfully I didn't have too many bad things at home to eat my way through - I am relieved about that.
Hope :)
I'm seconding Deep Blue's comments about not beating yourself up. I struggle with overeating as well and it's only when I can be a friend to myself and not so harsh that I am able to take a deep breath and see it for what it is: merely a coping mechanism. You have managed to cope with some triggering thoughts and emotions. You are safe now.
:hug: to you Jdog, thank you.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 14th May 2019
I feel as if I'm getting into contact with yet another part of myself - one that I've not felt contact with previously - it's difficult to know much about her, as I can't even think about how old she is - the sense I have of her is she might be between 8 and 10 years old. But I'm not really sure. I've only had flashes of 'senses' and 'feelings' and slight visions of what she wants to communicate to me - I think it's related to when I overate quite a lot on the weekend, and something about that has awoken this part of me. I'm not sure though. But I am trying to tread carefully and just welcome any flashes that come to me. Trying to make sense of them, and letting them just happen.
I shared the information that I had learned from the Social Work file notes with a couple of my friends, and heard back from one of them - and she gave me some very insightful reactions to it, that were very helpful to me. I've not heard back from the other friend yet - I wrote to them both - they don't live close to me. But I trust them, and it feels ok to have shared this.
I've been better regarding my eating - I'm not craving bad stuff anymore, and having my partner around is helping me to eat better.
I gave up on trying to read 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' and took it back to the library. I don't know what it was, I couldn't settle to enjoy it, and somehow there is something disturbing to me about creatures that are animals that talk etc, and I suspect that's what it is - the ones that talk and wear clothes - I still find that disturbing somehow.
For some reason my mind has gone blank now, so I'll stop writing.
Hope :)
Sending care, knowing that another part making herself known is a tender, vulnerable time. :hug:
Hi BeHea1thy & Notalone - thank you both so much. It means a lot to read your comments, and I find you very supportive. I really appreciate it. :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 19th May 2019
I have wanted to write something in my journal, but it has felt over-whelming. I have such a lot going on in my head - and I've been bingeing again, and feel bad about that. It's as if I'm out of control - and of course, that frightens so many parts of me. But I have been doing quite a bit of processing too - at different levels. I feel like I'm making some realizations, and it hurts to see some of those. Hence the overwhelming feelings. My partner is away again, so I am discovering how difficult I find it to cope when he's not around. But he'll be back again soon. I've learned quite a lot about myself this past few days - and I hope to be able to write more about it - but right now - I can't write more.
Hope :)
:hug: we'll be here :yes:
:hug: Sending care to you.
Hey Hope,
I find it difficult when my husband is away too. I even found it difficult when he didn't know I had trauma in my history... granted that's new as of this past week but yes, it is difficult.
I'm grateful for this place because at least I have you all when he's gone now
We are here for you too honey
:grouphug:
:grouphug: Hope. We are here for you.
I often feel overwhelmed and/or as if I've been thrown back a bit in my healing when I've been processing a lot.
Hope,
Like Deep Blue, I also have trouble coping when my spouse is away. We are definitely here for you, an online family ready to embrace you. Be gentle with all of your selves during this time. :grouphug:
:hug: to you Hope
SaB
Thank you so much everyone for your supportive and wonderful replies - I read them all and felt comforted by them. :grouphug:
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Journal Entry on 23rd May 2019
I have found the last few days quite challenging in many ways - and I've felt like I've 're-surfaced' from a heap of EF's - and somehow found a more adult side of myself just now - I don't know how long that will last, but it's an interesting feeling.
As I write this, I feel as if there's a 'bubbly' part of myself that wants to portray how things are going ok. But that is a surface thing, because actually it's been horrible on occasions and for vast chunks of time, and I felt as if I'd got lost in a cavern of experiences that I found difficult to cope with. But I have coped and I'm still going - and I think I feel stronger for it.
Soon there will be a long weekend, as there's a Bank holiday on Monday - so I am looking forward to that.
I would like to write about some realizations I've had - but I need to keep myself together for today - as I have some commitments I need to get through, so maybe on the weekend, when I have more time, I can hopefully write about them, as I really want to get some clarity and maybe process things more in my Journal. I'm also keen to start my newest Journal - and so having the end of May to complete this one, and maybe start the new on on 1st June - that sounds like a good demarcation.
I'm aware that my inner critics are being quite negative to me as I'm writing this - but I'm going to ignore them just now.
Hope :)
Hi Hope.
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and it sounds like you've been working through some hard things. I really appreciated the thought you shared that on the other side of your recent EF's and all you've been walking through, you are feeling a more adult side of yourself stepping forward. I see her as powerful, brave, compassionate and strong.
I hope your weekend is restful. :hug: if that's ok.
MoonBeam
I second that! Ignore the negative voices!
Hi BeHea1thy - thank you :hug:
Hi MoonBeam - thank you so much, and I appreciate your description of my Adult side being powerful, brave, compassionate and strong - I would certainly like her to have those characteristics - and maybe at times I can feel them. I am glad the weekend is here. I also appreciate the hug, thank you :hug:
Hi Jdog - thank you :hug:
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Journal Entry on 25th May 2019
I am relieved that the weekend is here - and so far it's been ok.
Interesting that as I sit to write this - I find that I can't put my words into a coherent order - I think I'll come back later - when I can. Didn't realise it would be like that - I was feeling ok when I came here to write - but now it's like my mind is going blank.
I'm feeling ok though - I feel quite calm.
I'll come back later.
Hope :)
Sending supportive vibes your way! :hug:
:hug: to you, Three Roses.
Journal entry on 26th May 2019
I have finished another Self-help book - this one was called 'Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns: A Schema-Therapy Self-Help and Support Book' and it was by Bruce A. Stevens & Eckhard Roediger (2017). What I liked about it is that it's very up to date, and I related to Schema therapy and the terms used. Some of the interventions - limited reparenting, imagery rescripting and behavioural pattern breaking seemed relevant to me.
As I read the book through, I had many 'a-ha' moments - and I made lots of notes about it in my paper journal. I think I'd like to take the schema questionnaire to see what my own personal schemas are - because I already recognised some of them, as I read examples, but maybe taking the questionnaire will help more - but at the same time I am slightly reluctant - because if I was that keen, I would have just taken it. So something has held me back - part of me is resistant I think.
I've been dreaming more frequently this past few days - but I've not written down the dreams, and now I've lost their content. So again, maybe I am resistant still to 'looking at things' - but there is also part of me that is keen to 'look at things' - so contradictions.
I've been noticing repeating patterns - and especially some issues in my work - and how I relate to people - and I feel a sense of some shame about talking about work situations - hence I don't tend to do so.
Because there's been so much secrecy in my past - and people haven't talked about things, it makes me so much more guarded about opening up about certain things - yet I know I've opened up so much here in this forum - about many things. So I can see that I am improving in my ability to open up and I have felt safe to do so.
But I remain guarded and hyper vigilant too.
Regarding my parts, there is a part of me that is beginning to share more memories and flashbacks - and I think she is about 8 years old. I am feeling uncomfortable about what she is trying to tell me, but trying to remain open to hearing things from her, so I'm balancing my own needs and her needs, but it feels quite fragile. So I'm trying to be very careful and just pace myself.
I am managing to eat better - I had been bingeing, and particularly when my partner was away - I didn't cope very well on the food side of things.
A realization that I've made is that I tend to read Self-help books - often voraciously, and then my memory shuts down, or compartmentalises it off, so I can't 'see' it anymore - although at the time that I read them, I get so many 'a-ha' moments - but it's pretty much intellectualising rather than experientially 'feeling something' - although I am making progress in 'feeling' - and that has been painful, because I really feel the depth of the abandonment melage (I think that's the right word, but not sure) - but I have felt it deeply and it is very painful. But it doesn't frighten me - I am tolerating it. So I think that is progress.
I will try to write about the 'Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns' book in another part of the forum - hopefully sometime soon, but for some reason I am reluctant to open it up again today - I think I need to focus on something relaxing and enjoy the weekend - it's a long weekend here - due to a Bank Holiday - and I want to spend some time with my partner and do some nice things together. So that's my plan, but I wanted to write here - and just catch up with myself a bit - so I can remember things I've been doing and thinking.
Hope :)
QuoteA realization that I've made is that I tend to read Self-help books - often voraciously, and then my memory shuts down, or compartmentalises it off, so I can't 'see' it anymore -
This is me, too. Retention sends to improve if I not only read, but also write down the things that occur to me (handwritten - typing does not seem to help)
and say them aloud, if it's possible to speak them.
Hope-
Quite a process you describe here. I am moved to remind you that your guardedness served a very good purpose for a very long time. Try to honor that part, too.
:yeahthat:
Hi Three Roses - I appreciated hearing that you write things down in a handwritten way and also say them aloud - it sounds like a good strategy - I will try it - I have tended to purely make hand-written notes in my hand-written journal - and occasionally I share some of the notes with my partner - then speaking them aloud - and I have noticed that when I try to speak them aloud, or talk about them that way - that it often brings up very strong emotions - so maybe I should try to do this when alone as well - and just speaking them aloud. Something to consider - thank you. :hug:
Hi Jdog - I am grateful to you for reminding me that my guardedness served a very good purpose for a very long time. You are right, and I will try to honour that part too - because it is a part that has kept me safe - in many respects and it's looked out for me. Trusting in my gut instinct is a way of thinking about this further - and I hope to do so. Thank you :hug:
Hi BeHea1thy - Yes, it was very nice to have the long weekend - I needed it and appreciated it. I very much like your strategy that you described. I think you are right when you say we can only tolerate just so much at one time - and pacing is so important - and I remember Three Roses words on that too - as she often has mentioned pacing. So has SanMagic. So have many others. (Must stop obsessional desire to list everyone - but somehow I can't quite manage not to do that...) I can see that Jdog also feels the same way - in saying 'Yeah that' - you speak wisely. Thank you. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 29th May 2019
I feel ok at the moment - I think that I have been becoming more aware of things in the here and now, and also making sense of some things in the past as well. I have been reading yet another book - as I'm in voracious reading phase currently, and the one I am reading now is called 'Gaslightling' - and it is very pertinent and accurately describes a lot of the behaviour of my FOO towards me, throughout my childhood and my adult life, and I have felt shocked and also validated by it. I have also found an angry part of myself surfacing and actually 'feeling' the anger - which is unusual for me, but I am embracing it, because I see it as some progress to be able to do that.
I also think that I've been able to observe my feelings and reactions to things - and put some labels on the feelings - which is something I've not tended to do previously - and I must admit to feeling some sense of excitement about these things.
I am also beginning to tackle things that I had previously avoided - although these are very tiny steps forward, as essentially I've not actually achieved all that much.
I am coping ok with my work - there have been some issues that I was getting anxious about - but I think I am doing ok. So today - I feel as if it's quite a good day, and I feel ok.
My partner talked to me today about noticing that I've not had any sleep terrors or nightmares for quite some time, and he was remarking about how different that was for me, compared with the past - and I agreed. I have been dreaming more this past few days, but can't remember the content of those dreams - just felt the sense that I was dreaming.
My plan for the remaining days of May is to write any remaining realisations that come to mind, as and when I think of them, and plan the focus for my next journal which I will start in June. Today, I feel positive about June - I hope that feeling stays with me.
Hope :)
Hi Hope. Thank you for sharing your positive insights. It's inspirational. So glad you are having a good day. :)
Moon Beam
:cheer: Being able to feel and embrace your anger.
:cheer: "I also think that I've been able to observe my feelings and reactions to things - and put some labels on the feelings - which is something I've not tended to do previously - and I must admit to feeling some sense of excitement about these things."
Hope, lots of insights and growth in just this one post. Thank you for sharing. Supporting you in your journey. :hug:
Hi MoonBeam, BeHea1thy and notalone,
Thank you all for your replies here, and I feel supported on my journey, thanks to the support of everyone here. Thank you all :grouphug:
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Journal Entry on 1st June 2019
So today will be the day that hopefully I'll start my new Journal - so I will hope to use a bit of time to reflect and consider any remaining thoughts or realisations I want to write in this one, and then by the end of the day, or possibly in the evening, I will start the new diary - or at least will start it at some point over the weekend. I don't want to limit myself by describing a deadline - that would stress me out.
So, time for some reflection and I think writing in a free-flowing way later, will be hopefully beneficial and I can come to some conclusions and also a plan to go forward to the new Journal. I feel positive about it today. That's a good feeling.
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 2nd June 2019
I didn't get much done today - I wanted to do so much. I think I was in an EF for part of the day - I know I was. I feel bad that I didn't do the things I hoped to do - and it's June already. My new Journal will start as soon as I can start it, and maybe the realisations that I want to write about can be part of that journal, once I start it.
I am a bit anxious and over stimulated today - it's like a feeling of angst that won't go away.
I have no time now to write more - but it's my intention to be here more next week if I can, as I feel like I need to centre myself and this place will help me to do that.
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: I'd like to pass on a spot of wisdom from my therapist: not to expect too much from oneself in an EF. I need to concentrate on this piece of wisdom today too.
Hi Blueberry, thank you - your therapist has given you some wisdom there, and I have been trying to concentrate on that piece of wisdom - it was helpful to me when I read it yesterday - thank you :hug:
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Journal Entry on 3rd June 2019
I have been attempting to cope with what I can only describe as a string of EF's - or maybe it's just one big one - I'm not sure. I'm not coping very well at work as a consequence, and I had to leave early today - and I have a headache now - I'm not sure if I can actually face going in tomorrow and might have to phone in sick, but I'll see how it goes. I've not done that for a considerable time - not in this new job.
But I didn't sleep very well last night and I was processing so much stuff - so many thoughts in my head, and also feeling as if different parts of me were awakening and feeling such strong emotions and feelings. My partner told me that I had screamed out in my sleep and also that at one point I had been sat bolt upright - and he wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep. I told him that I think I was asleep, as I have no memory of sitting up straight in bed last night - I thought I was lying down the entire time.
A friend of mine has written to me, in response to a letter e-mail I had sent her - and she was very supportive about the information I shared with her about my social services notes. She told me she couldn't believe how controlled I had been as a child, and that she wondered if my reactions were out of fear. She was right, I realise I was terrified of doing anything that would have caused any unrest or difficulty, and had been trying to be perfect somehow. Such a heavy weight on a little child - such a heavy weight on me.
I am feeling upset as I write this. I realise that my feelings are much more present, and that I'm not dissociating from them like I used to. I guess this is what is meant by coming out of a fog or storm - or maybe it's just realising what's happened and the reality of it.
I am glad that my partner is out - and didn't realise I came back early today - because he would worry about me if he knew that. I think he was worried anyway, about the disrupted sleep last night. I think he was pleased that I'd had less night terrors and disturbances, but of course having a slight disruption last night, it probably makes him unsettled too.
I think that I constantly tend to over think things and worry about what people will think or how they're feeling, and that I feel bad for being self-preoccupied - so essentially I don't rest easily with all of that. I hope to get an early night tonight, and hopefully sleep better.
It is helpful to write this here, as I do feel a bit calmer.
Hope :)
Hope. Thank you for sharing. There's so much I want to respond to 'cause I've so been in the same place with the string of EF's and trying to be patient and kind with myself. I'm at work though taking a quick moment to check in (not focusing on work), but wanted to send a gentle :hug: and tell you just how much I appreciate you and really resonate with what you shared.
Quote from: Hope67 on June 03, 2019, 04:26:32 PM
Such a heavy weight on a little child - such a heavy weight on me.
:'( :hug: It is a heavy weight.
I hope you are able to get a good night's sleep.
Hope-
May your struggles abate soon. :hug:
Hi MoonBeam - I did read something you wrote that reflected what I was feeling very accurately, so I recognise what you're saying here about being in the same place with the string of EF's - I wanted to write something in reply to you earlier, but I've been finding it difficult this past couple of days - but I've emerged at last, and whilst feeling shaken somehow, I am thankful to be here and writing this to you. :hug: I appreciate you too - and resonate with things you've shared - thank you.
Hi Notalone - I've just been reading your list of things you wrote about your year Anniversary of therapy - I also resonated with what you wrote - and I appreciate what you wrote here too - my sleep was finally better last night - I needed it. I am grateful. :hug:
Hi Jdog - thank you - the struggles have abated - I feel like I'm entering a calm after a storm. Thank you for your hug, and sending one back to you too :hug:
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Journal Entry on 5th June 2019
I don't want to dwell too much on the past couple of days, but it didn't go very well, as I ended up in a very long string of EF's and felt very bad. I was worried about my blood pressure - as my pulse was rising quite a lot, and I was getting body flashbacks/experiences, as well as feeling very anxious and agitated. Possibly some paranoid kind of feelings too, because I realise now that I was taking things far out of perspective, and misconstrueing what people were saying to me at work, and I ended up reacting in a way that makes me feel ashamed, but I don't think people really judged me badly - it's my inner critic that has been giving me a hard time about it.
I ended up seeing my doctor - although I've not met my new doctor - I saw another one who was available. I didn't share anything about C-PTSD (self-diagnosed) as I didn't think she'd understand, or maybe I just was scared to talk about it - not knowing what way that would go. I did talk about having migraines, stress and I was tearful infront of her. Thankfully she didn't reach for antidepressants or pills, she did sign me off work for the remainder of the week - and advised me to focus on relaxing things. I am therefore going to try my best to relax.
I don't yet feel able to talk much about my experiences this couple of days - but I believe that parts of me were emerging in the process of processing some difficult thoughts and to acknowledging some anger and some realisation that events in my childhood weren't right, and I've been experiencing some flashbacks of memory - and not knowing if they are true or not. But they are disturbing in their content. I read Notalone's list and noticed that memory doesn't have to be exact, but it's about the meaning and value of the memory - and that is reassuring to me.
** Want to remind myself to copy something Blueberry said in her diary as well - as she said it was ok to do that. I know there was something MoonBeam had said that I also really related to. I might ask MoonBeam if I can do that too.
I do remember a dream where I was in my FOO's house and desperately trying to pack things to leave without them finding me - and my partner was also there, and he was helping me. I felt the fear of being discovered there, taking things from their house - things that are mine, but not wishing them to discover me and trap me there. I think it's significant that my partner was with me in the dream, and was helping me - as that's very meaningful to me.
I also had been experiencing so many very raw feelings at night - very deep, very strong - and I was trying to move my eyes from left to right and back, as in eye movement de-sensitisation - I've not had any sessions in that, but I did do it with a video about weight loss once, and so I figured it would be ok to do it when experiencing my emotional stuff at night. I don't know if that's why I've ended up having so many very strong body flashbacks and extra processing - or not. I don't know. I hope it's helping me.
I do feel calmer at this moment, but I've been worried for myself - hence going to see the doctor - as that scares me to do that - and I still haven't met my own doctor yet.
I feel like I'm writing a lot and there's a feeling of pressure somehow - I don't feel calm - I feel pressured. I recognise I need to relax and to wind down and I have time to do that. I have some days ahead of me and the weekend, before I will hopefully go back to work, and I hope to be better by then, and more able to function properly again.
I've been worried that I'm stressing my partner, but he's reassured me that he's ok, and he's just concerned that I get rest.
Hope :)
Hope,
I feel for you, going through such a difficult time with memories and feelings. It is such a difficult place to be in. Glad that in your dream your partner was helping you. From other things you have posted it sounds like you feel safe and supported by him. Sending you lots of compassion during this time. Please do what will bring you comfort: tea, blanket, stuffed animal, a walk, etc. :hug:
Hi Hope. Sending you a gentle :hug: if it's ok and wanting you to know I'm thinking of you.
I really feel your share and appreciate your thoughts on your recent experiences--the flashbacks and acknowledgment of anger and realizations, as parts of you emerging.
I'm so glad you have a supportive partner and you are doing things to take care of you even though it feels scary. I hope you get to see your doctor and all goes well, and that you are able to find relief and a feeling of comfort and safety.
Please feel free to quote or utilize anything I share here at OOTS. If you find it helpful, then I am grateful.
Hi Hope I just want to offer my support and, while you are having a very tough time of it right now, you are doing all the right things and I know things will settle and start to feel better for you soon :thumbup:
:hug:
SaB
Sending you :grouphug: Hope
Sending the gentlest, most nurturing :hug: to you, dear friend. Rest well. ❤️
Hi everyone,
I feel very humbled to read all your replies here - and tears came very suddenly to my eyes, as I am very emotional at the moment - :grouphug: to you all - I would like to reply individually to you - but I don't think I can - but please know I appreciate you all so much - and I am so thankful to have your support - it means a LOT to me.
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Journal Entry on 9th June 2019
So I've done my best to try to rest this past few days, but actually I've been struggling with my emotions and with quite a few things - and felt really quite a lot worse at times, and struggled to sleep - also experiencing some unsettling experiences at night.
BUT - at the same time, I feel as if I'm somehow getting stronger - because I am feeling so many more things, and I am also able to communicate with the different parts of me, in a way I couldn't really do before - I am feeling like they are beginning to trust me - and communicate with me - and whilst it de-stabilized me - and caused me to end up off sick - I feel it was the best thing for me.
I am not sure if I'll cope with going to work again tomorrow, but I am going to see how I feel in the morning, and then see how it goes. I know I can see the doctor again if I need to - but I don't really want to - as I don't know whether I'd get the same doctor or another one. I am anxious about even that thought. I think I will be able to cope with some work - I will certainly try - providing I feel up to it in the morning.
My partner has been very supportive - although he did mention how I'd 'had this' for a long time - and mentioned the years he's known me, and I thought - well - I might 'have this' for all my life... I wonder if he thinks I'll suddenly change and be free of complex PTSD (self-diagnosed) - I don't think I will - but I think that I will hopefully be ever more able to manage it and recognise that essentially all parts of me are important and that I want to care for all of me.
I did get in touch with a very scared and frightened younger part of me - I would go so far as to say 'terrified' part of me - and I had some flash backs that were quite distressing - and made me wonder if they were true - or not. But essentially I tried to comfort that part, and tell her that it's not the same time, and she is safe, and I tried to do the eye motions - whilst trying to comfort myself in the dark of night - and I put my own arm around myself, and told myself and that terrified part that she was ok - and that did settle me and I slept.
I've written far more than I thought I would - the whoosh of emotion I had when reading your replies - it's gone, and I feel like a very adult part of myself right now. Maybe I'm dissociating a bit - I don't know if I am - maybe. I do have more things I want to write, and realizations I've made, but I'll wait till I am feeling stronger.
Thank you again everyone - sending you all gentle and warm hugs - :grouphug:
Hope :)
Hope,
To the adult you, it makes sense that you would be nervous that if you go to the doctor you might not get the same one. Some people are more understanding then others. Glad you are able to give yourself permission to see how you feel tomorrow before deciding about work.
I think that is a pretty big thing that you are able to communicate more with the other parts. Wonderful that you were able to nurture and comfort the terrified little one. Sending you a safe, supportive hug. :hug:
I just finished reading a couple of picture books to my younger parts. If your terrified little one had been there, I would have invited her to sit by me as I read the story. If that would have been too scary, I would have invited her to sit on the other side of the room while I read, then I'd turn the book and show her the pictures. I care that she is there and is so frightened.
Hi Notalone - What you wrote here was so helpful to me - and younger Hope heard your words - and she felt emotional that you thought about her - I felt her emotion when I read your words - very strongly. Thank you.
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Journal Entry on 12th June 2019
This week has been a tough one for me - I have felt like I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions - and sometimes wanted to get off, or actually just to scream - and on one occasion I did scream out loud - but there was no one around to hear me. I felt very vulnerable, and I felt as if I couldn't cope sometimes, but the reality was that I have coped - and I managed to do some work - and therefore didn't need to visit the GP. I think the quality of my work has suffered though, as I've found it difficult to concentrate and I've made some mistakes - but thankfully there haven't been any difficulties from that. Nothing that couldn't be put right, anyway.
As I write this now - I feel as if I'm out of a series of EFs and I feel much more adult right now. I've experienced quite a few night time experiences - some night terrors and some hallucinations as well - but I've not worried about it - I've had the before, and I feel ok about them, because thankfully they are not as frightening as they once were - and the content is different.
I think I was experiencing some numbness in my hands at night, as if the circulation wasn't working - I wonder if it's because it's been hotter, and maybe I'm not keeping hydrated or having sufficient salt. Maybe that is why. I am sure someone spoke to me about this previously - maybe BeHea1thy or SanMagic. I'm not sure.
I am relieved to be out of the EFs right now - because they were draining me, and I was fearing that I'd be caught up and not able to manage them.
I'm going to concentrate on getting through the remainder of this week, and then consider the weekend when it arrives.
Hope :)
QuoteI am relieved to be out of the EFs right now - because they were draining me
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Thank you Three Roses :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: i'm too tired to read anything any more, but just want to send compassion
:hug:
That's good thinking, just focusing upon what today has to offer. The weekend will be here soon enough, friend.
Keep being gentle with yourself. :hug:
Hi Hope. Aptly described--the roller coaster of EF's and emotions. A good analogy for me, as I can remind myself that the ride will stop and I will be able to get off.
It sounds like you are doing such a great job staying with it and allowing things to pass through and noticing how things are different. Really inspirational.
I hope you have a restful weekend ahead and you can have some restorative time and experiences.
Thinking of you and sending a gentle :hug: .
Hey Hope,
I just wanted to send you a little encouragement for getting through the week. Sometimes we forget that baby steps are important too.
You work so hard all the time emotionally. Love ya and hope you can relax this weekend :hug:
:hug: to everyone - thank you. :grouphug:
Hope :)
Journal Entry on 17th June 2019
It's been challenging - this last few days - but I'm doing ok. I am getting through things, and I feel as if I've come through some EF's and feel reasonably ok. Yesterday was strange, and as I think back on it, I think I must have distanced myself and protected myself - and removed myself from realising that it was actually F's Day - I had to attend some things that had my partner's family around, and somehow I managed to get through them. However I noticed that they talked about some things that made me think that they didn't comprehend my own feelings - at all. It was like they didn't realise that F's Day might be challenging for me - it was like they just didn't think about my feelings at all. But I am realising that whilst I might tend to consider others' feelings - this means that maybe I'm not having sensible boundaries, and not looking after my own needs and feelings - it's as if I put other people's needs before my own, and then sometimes feel bad that I don't receive the same back - but essentially why would they be sensitive to my feelings - when they are thinking about their own situations - I realise I shouldn't personalise this - and that's a lesson I've considered and will take on board - hopefully.
I am struggling with regard to my work - I am finding it hard to concentrate and do things - but I'm doing my best to be structured and focused. I am achieving what I need to do, but I am worrying about my performance. I am wondering if I want to continue with my job - or maybe consider a different path - I have some ideas regarding what I might do, if I didn't do this job - and I think I could be ok. I am going to consider this - and make a decision. Part of me feels a bit rash to be considering this - but essentially I think I am not enjoying my work very much, and would like to try to devote my time to something I'll enjoy more. I've been considering my finances, and I think I could manage - I have savings, and I have a supportive partner - so I have options.
I got in touch with some anger yesterday as well and wrote about it. It felt good to get it out and express it.
Before I forget, I have noticed another voice or part which has been commenting sometimes, and seems like a very angry part - who is being quite negative towards people in my life, and I have told that part that the people in my life now are not the same as the ones who brought me up - they are kind and they love me - so criticising them isn't appropriate - but I've tried to acknowledge that that part wishes to protect me - and is trying to do that. But I'm trying to placate her and let her know that it's not necessary now.
I've been noticing that some days or moments I feel a normal size, and others I am either larger than normal or small - and I guess this is feeling de-personalisation and different feelings. I am not freaked out about it anymore though, but able to purely notice it, and wonder about it. I asked my partner if he experiences anything similar, and he did say he knew what I meant, which made me feel very validated - and as if he understood me.
Hope :)
Just sending you some love and support honey :hug:
I'm glad your partner is supportive and that you have safer people that care about you in your life now. Don't forget, many of us care about you too sweetie :grouphug:
:yeahthat: Dear Hope, I'm sending my best wishes your way, too, and wishing you serenity. You're working hard and may you find some time to rest, just for yourself. :hug:
SaB
Hi Deep Blue, Thank you - especially for remining me that people here care - I know this - I feel it very strongly, and I appreciate it more than anything. :hug:
Hi SaB, Thank you so much :hug:
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Journal Entry on 18th June 2019
I feel more human today - maybe it's a feeling of being a bit more in control, as I felt quite vulnerable this past few days - but it feels better today. I had been doubting if I could continue working - and I had been considering other things to do - and I'm still contemplating this, but I feel better about things right at this moment. Not entirely sure why - maybe it's just better today. I don't mind though, I am just relieved to feel a bit better.
I do feel quite tired though - so I'm going to have an early night. I really want to catch up with how others here are doing, but I am currently feeling a bit like I can only focus on one or two things at any one time, so I'm trying to pace myself.
Hope :)
So glad you are feeling better today.
So good you are listening to your needs and calling it an early night. I'm inspired with your sharing of how you are walking through this Hope. It sounds like its been pretty intense and still you have allowed yourself the space to feel and explore choices that are healthy for you. Really great example of self care! You are amazing!
:hug: and Sweet dreams.
Hi MoonBeam,
I appreciate your kind words of support - they mean a lot. :hug: Thank you. I feel as if I am 'finding my way' through things at the moment. Having the support of this place is invaluable to me, and knowing you are all here - and we can share experiences - it's helping me a lot.
Hope :)
i echo moonbeam in saying you are amazing, hope. watching your journey has been fascinating - you continue to do the hard work, continue to walk the walk, as they say. kudos to you for all that.
i'm not surprised at you feeling tired. this stuff can be exhausting. just so glad you're exercising self-care and resting when you need it.
earlier you posted about being aware of the feelings of others. i don't think that's a bad thing at all. i think it can become negative when we keep doing for others ahead of ourselves on a constant basis, neglecting ourselves in the process. being aware, to me, just speaks of your kindness and compassion for others. maybe i'm wrong here and am seeing it differently than you. i wish i was more like that, actually. unfortunately, i do the 'doing for others ahead of myself' part still too often, but on a finer scale, i'm not always aware of the feelings of others. to me, it's 2 different things.
hope your day goes well, hope. sending love and hugs your way. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi SanMagic - thank you so much, and I think I understand what you're saying about being aware of the feelings of others - it makes sense to me. Thank you for the love and hugs, and sending them also to you :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 20th June 2019
I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling at the moment - I almost feel as if I've got an underlying virus - as if I've got a slight flu-like thing - but it's not actually impacting on me too much, except to make me feel a bit under par and a bit yucky. Or maybe icky is the right word. I'm not sure. It's as if my energy is being zapped away somehow - and I'm not sure what is taking it. But Sanmagic spoke of how exhausting all this stuff can be, and I agree with that - maybe that is why I feel a bit drained. I had an early night the other night. Maybe I should try to do that more - but I find it quite hard to discipline myself to go to bed earlier, as I end up enjoying whatever TV programme I am watching - even though I find it quite hard to stay focused on whatever it is - as I still dissociate off and get caught up in other things.
I realise I am still in this Journal, when I meant to have started a new one for June - so now my plan is that I will definitely start a new one for July. A fresh journal for a fresh month.
Hope :)
hey, hope,
i've also had exactly what you're describing after a stressful bout of whatever - feels like the flu is coming on, lethargic, lack of energy, and feeling crappy. i've heard it described as stress flu. it happens to me a lot, and has for a long time, but i was glad to find out that there's a name for it, and that it's a real thing. for me, a lot of the discomfort is due to inflammation kicking up, so taking ibuprofen helps me feel better. honestly, i've been taking ibuprofen for this, what i call my stress sickness, for over 30 yrs. resting as much as possible till my energy comes back, even if it's watching junk tv, stuff where i don't have to think much, helps keep me entertained while not stressing me out even more.
i hope you feel better soon, and also have patience w/ yourself. it may take a bit of time, but it will get better, you'll feel better. it's become a barometer for me to know when i'm over-stressed, cuz sometimes i don't even realize that i've been doing too much. take it easy, take care of yourself as best you can, ok? love you, sweetie. :hug:
Hey there Hope. I don't know if it's the same, but after my latest dive into the depths of deep emotion and/or EF, the next day after kind of coming out of it, i felt like I had been run over by a truck. That sounds harsh, but I was in a place of needing to recover physically as well as emotionally. The good thing is that I could see it was from the intensity of the journey and I was able to rest and not give myself a hard time because of it. "stress flue" makes perfect sense.
Sending love and a :hug: if that's ok. Hoping you find some time to rest and continue to allow yourself to heal.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 21, 2019, 04:05:35 AM
i've also had exactly what you're describing after a stressful bout of whatever - feels like the flu is coming on, lethargic, lack of energy, and feeling crappy. i've heard it described as stress flu.
I know this phenomenon super-well too and am interested to hear that it has a name and that others on here get it too. The body and soul demand a break, a rest. And if I don't take a break of my own accord early enough, I get sick. I often used to have a lot of trouble knowning if I was sick or not, so do I call in sick or not? Or these days do I take it easy or not?
I hope you take it easy, Hope, because you've been working really hard recently. :hug: :hug:
Hi SanMagic, MoonBeam & Blueberry - thank you all so much - your replies are so validating to my experience, and I value every word you've said. Thank you :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Journal Entry on 22nd June 2019
I've decided on a plan, and this is it. I am going to take a break from the internet for the remainder of June - and also from doing self-help reading too - and I am going to concentrate on being true to my feelings and considering my thoughts during this time. I will hope to then start afresh in July - and will hope to start a new Journal here - in early July.
I feel positive about this plan, and I hope to read some nice books - ones that will comfort younger parts of me, and interest older parts of me. Then, having that time to nurture and rest myself - I can hopefully then decide what I would like to focus on - in July - with regards to my journey forwards.
So I will be back, in early July - and I will look forward to that. But in the meantime, I am looking forward to time away from the internet, as much as I can - and channelling my focus onto things that are calming and nurturing.
That's the plan.
Hope :)
I wish you a calming and nurturing time! :hug: :grouphug:
Thank you Blueberry. :hug:
Hope :)
I don't feel able to put into words what my feelings are right now. So I will hope to come back and write something when I can. I've been away for a bit, taking a break from technology (as much as I could), and that was good for me. No reading of self-help books either - quite a change for me. I think parts of me are resisting sharing my feelings just now - and maybe it's due to me being away from here for a while - I don't know.
I feel some guilt about opening up and maybe that is what is affecting me. But I value the fact I have been able to open up and share things here. It has helped me so much.
I have some stressful situations to go through this weekend and I am wishing I could get out of them, but I don't feel I can.
I hope to write more - when I can allow myself to communicate a bit more.
Hope :)
Hope, here's to making it through whatever stressful situations you encounter over the weekend. You have a few days to plan ways to survive these situations, and I hope that you will remember your excellent coping techniques. :hug:
I stand with you through your stressful weekend. Stay strong and take care of yourself. :hug:
:hug:
I also have experienced some parts wanting to share and others who are resistant to telling. It is difficult.
I hope your stressful situations are less difficult then you are anticipating. Even though hard, you have good skills to to get through. :hug:
Thinking of you Hope. :hug:
Hi Hope, I get guilt from opening up too, and a sense of impending recrimination. The good news is it tends to pass after a while and I'm learning to look on it as a healing, realising I won't be punished for speaking up any longer.
I hope that your guilt passes too, and that you find navigating this weekend to be easier than you anticipated.
:hug:
Oh Hope,
Do you think it's a younger part of you that feels guilty for opening up? This is a safe place, please tell the little you that, and give her a :hug: from me
hey, hope, welcome back. you were missed.
you can take your time, share what you want when you're ready. we'll still be here. it's ok to feel however you feel, you know.
i'm just glad that a lot of your absence was good for you. it's helpful for me, too, to take those breaks every so often.
sending love and gentle hugs, sweetie. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Dear Jdog, Tee, Three Roses, notalone, MoonBeam, SharpandBlunt, Deep Blue and SanMagic,
Thank you all so much for everything you said. Your words helped me to feel stronger - and also helped me to get through the events that had been stressing me over the weekend. I found the reminder that I do have some coping strategies to be so helpful. Your support is so amazing, and I am so heartened by your presence in my life. Thank you so much. :grouphug:
Journal Entry on 9th July 2019
The events of the weekend were stressful, but I got through them, and they weren't as bad as I anticipated they would be. Trying to remind myself that I have some coping strategies - thanks to the kind and supportive words of people here, it was so validating and helped me feel stronger.
Also, the fact was that the people I was meeting up with - they were actually quite self-absorbed in their own stuff and therefore didn't ask me any personal questions at all, and therefore I didn't need to fend off or deal with anything difficult. I think it was the anticipation of it all that was the worst thing, and many parts of me were very reluctant to attend, and wanted to sabotage it and stop me going altogether, but I told those parts that I couldn't not go, because my partner would be affected by that, and it wasn't fair to do that to him. I needed to go for his sake, and I did. They did listen to me, and I was able to function and cope, and I am so grateful for the fact that I did face it - and that all parts of me managed to get through it ok. The first event was harder than the second, but having another event to attend meant I couldn't relax until it was over. I coped with that too. Better than I thought I would. I am so relieved now that both things are over.
I have been in an EF for part of this morning, due to something else entirely - but I am thankful that I seem to be out of that now.
My partner is coming back, so I need to go.
Hope :)
Glad you were able to make it through your are stronger than you know! :grouphug:
Glad you are through the difficult events of the weekend and that your EF from this morning is over.
:hug:
Hi Tee, notalone and Three Roses :hug: :hug: :hug: Thank you.
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Journal Entry on 13th July 2019
I wanted to come back here and write in my Journal, but each time I was thinking of doing so, somehow I couldn't find the words to convey what I wanted to say. So I didn't manage to write anything. But I hope to write something today - which is that I'd like to finally start my new Journal in the next couple of days - something I've been delaying for a while. I guess it was because I wanted to have some kind of sensible summary and plan of how to go forward. But I've not been able to work on that and so I've not done it.
But I'm going to settle for just starting a new Journal and seeing where it leads. I think because I took a break for a while from technology and the internet etc - I also took a break from reading self-help books, and now I feel a bit at sea about how to proceed and what to focus on.
I know there are areas that I currently avoid, but which I feel I would probably benefit from attending to. Because I think it would help me to look at some of those things, but at the same time there are many/several parts of me that are reluctant or even afraid.
But there are other parts that are keen to approach those areas. So there is a conflict or difference of opinion about it.
Annoyingly my inner critic is telling me I'm writing things that don't make sense, and I am going to ignore that - because I have a right to communicate here about things that are important to me.
Now I feel a bit silly. But anyway, I'll keep writing...
I have had some issues at work that I've needed to talk to a colleague about, and I have had support from that person. It's a relief to know I can talk about things, because there have been some other people who have been quite difficult to approach - although I think that is more down to my difficulty in knowing who I can trust. I tend to listen to my gut instinct on things, which quite often is protective.
I think that I feel annoyed with myself at many levels, because I'm feeling as if I'm stilted and unable to express what I want to say, or how I'm feeling. I feel like I really want to say many things, but there are so many parts of me that hold me back. I know they do that for good reasons, but it feels as if they hold me in some kind of cage in that respect.
I had an argument with my partner last week - he said something that really hurt my feelings - because he said that I might as well go and live somewhere where there is a 'padded cell' - I managed to ask him what he'd meant by that, and I shared the fact that it had hurt my feelings - and he said he had meant it as being that he knew that I worried about things, and that maybe being in a protected area - where the walls were padded - would be protective. But I hadn't taken it that way - I told him that his description had made me feel as if I was abnormal and I had felt very upset by it. He apologised for hurting my feelings. We're ok about it now - but I realise how sensitive I was to what he said. I didn't like how vulnerable I felt.
I feel bad for even mentioning it - because I don't like to say things that are negative in that way about my partner - he is so supportive and loving, and he really cares about me. I love him so much.
I still have this very annoyed feeling hanging over me. It's like it's a part of me that is feeling annoyed, and frustrated and some anger there.
I am feeling things more. I noticed that I was also smelling more things earlier today - i.e. my sense of smell was heightened. Strange.
Anyway, at least I've written something here today. That is what I wanted to do. I did it.
Hope :)
Hope, it sounds as if your ICr. is about as annoying and well, critical, as mine. :pissed: :pissed: Gr. What you've written makes perfect sense to me anyway.
I'm really happy for you that there is somebody at work you can approach about problems at work and that this person is supporting you!
I think I would be pretty upset if someone suggested I went to live somewhere with padded walls. :applause: on managing to talk to your partner on it and also that he apologised. I think it's also really good that you're writing about it on here. The information is safe here. It can be good to get that kind of stuff out of your system. I can understand feeling bad about it, partly because I'm feeling bad about all sorts of stuff in friendships atm, but there actually isn't a reason for feeling bad, that's just how the whole FOO trauma stuff programmed us to act. :hug: :hug:
Hi Blueberry,
I appreciate what you said here very much, thank you. :hug: I also particularly liked the fact you encouraged me to write about stuff here - and reminded me that this place is safe. I think many parts of me needed to hear that, and have listened, and I am hopeful to write more - despite what my ICr thinks.
I am suffering a bit from the heat at the moment, it is very humid. I must remember to drink more water and keep hydrated.
Hope :)
hey, hope,
i don't blame you for your reaction to someone talking about you needing a padded cell - it brings up immediate images to me of being crazy, out of control, and no one knows how to deal with me. i'm glad you were able to talk to him about it, and he was able to explain what he meant. i didn't think you were saying anything mean about him, either - just conveying a situation. we all have those moments where we step on a sensitive spot and don't realize it. that doesn't make us bad people, or even the thought that someone who does that is in any way bad, so to speak.
i'm really glad, too, that you were able to write about it, get it out, leave it here. as far as making sense, i don't know if half the time i make sense to anyone else, but that doesn't mean it isn't helpful for me to get it out of me, see it differently. as long as it makes sense to you, even if it's conveying that you don't feel like you're making sense at the time, that's what's important. you're not here for us, but for yourself.
please be careful in the heat. don't forget electrolytes if you're sweating a lot! (just my desert self jumping in!). stay cool, stay safe. sending love and a hug filled w/ popsicles - all your favorite flavors!, if that'll help.
I agree with blueberry it all makes sense. I'm glad your writing. It's safe here. For all of us. :grouphug:
Hi SanMagic - Thank you for the reminder about electrolytes. I had some left-over from last time I needed some, so I took half a packet in some water - giving my partner the other half, and I am sure it did us both some good. I appreciated also what you said, thank you. :hug:
Tee - thank you so much for your validation and for the group hug - it really helps. :hug:
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Journal Entry on 14th July 2019
All I want to say right now is how glad I am that this place is here, and how much I appreciate being able to read what others say, and to write my feelings and thoughts here. It helps me a lot.
Hope :)
:) :hug:
:hug:
Hi Blueberry & Tee - :hug: :hug: to you both, thank you.
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Journal Entry on 15th July 2019
I have just been looking through previous pages of this Journal to try to find the bit where I had decided on a new name for my next Journal, and I had to look back to p43 to find it! It is "Continuing to Befriend My Parts" and realising that it's taken me no less than 7 pages of journaling to get to that - means I've been thinking about writing the next section for a long while... Anyway, I will be using that title, and hopefully the next time I write it will be in that new Journal.
I just wanted to write a few things to say that I recognise that I have been able to share so many things here in this supportive place, and I feel like I've developed in some positive ways over time. It is the support of the people here that has helped this - that has helped me - and thank you all for your contributions and validations and for everything you've said.
I'm going to start the new Journal in a minute - because I just want to start it - so it's there for when I next pop by. So that's what I'm going to do.
Hope :)
:hug: just would like to leave this here, Hope, if that is OK with you. :)
Definitely ok with me, SaB - thank you :hug:
Hope :)
20th March 2021
I have been re-reading some of this diary that I wrote a few years back, I was only able to re-read till page 3, and I've been in floods of tears. It's like I just didn't realise what I'd written before.
It's really been emotional to re-read this.
I can't read past page 3 for now, but honestly, I really feel humbled by the kindness of people here in this forum, :grouphug: to you all for everything that you've done in replying to me, and making me feel very much more validated.
Hope :)