Well, It's started. The grief, the deep deep grief. Pete Walker talks about the steps to recovery, from just learning about C-PTSD and what type of survivor you are to learning about Inner Critic, then Outer Critic, and then....Grief. I am reading the chapter he wrote about that topic very slowly. It is exhausting. I am exhausted. The full emotional "memory" is all-encompassing abandonment. Being alone and scared and bereft. A lot of mother stuff coming up. Not so much what she did. But what I didn't get. What I needed, which was bare minimum care. Security not danger. Not cruelty. The visual image I have is me being curled up on the floor in a corner, hugging my knees to my chest, sobbing, calling, screaming for some kind of help from somebody. But there was no help. I was a hostage. And all these years lost to this horror. I grieve the utter lack of love. Of even the most basic recognition or regard or minimal politeness that a stranger might expect. I think I will need to find another therapist. One who can accompany me through grief, this deep place in my psyche. Is there anyone else who experiences grief? Do you have any suggestions? Thank you, LittleBoat
Hi LitteBoat,
Grief sucks! I've been there for sure. When it hurts to breath, when you could sleep forever, when you mourn your past. I think how we deal with grief is unique to each of us. When I feel like that, I look for an outlet. Something that helps me get back to center.... I like to run, or write. I tried coloring by suggestion from my T, but that wasn't for me. I tried mediation... also not for me. Is there a creative experession you enjoy? Hang in there littleboat, it gets better.
Much love,
Deep Blue
I'm reading the section on grief and angering at the moment too. Difficult stuff. I'm so sorry that you were left alone when you needed love and security :hug:
Thank you, Deep Blue. It helps to know that one can get to the other side. You mention running. I don't run. Never could. But I am way too sedentary, especially when the battles in my psyche are so strong. It's like I simply collapse. And it's really hard to follow the rules of good self care: eat right, get enough sleep (are you kidding? That's all I do.), exercise, enjoy the sunshine...it's such a beautiful day. I feel unable to do these things, and it adds another layer of guilt for my Inner Critic. I am a poet, so yes, I write. That might or might not help. Depends on my mood and the subject of the poem. Writing is an isolate act, so it can excacerbate my troubles.
Estella, would you be willing to stay in closer touch, messaging, during this time? Absolutely no obligation.
Thank you both for reaching out. This is a tough stage, for sure.
All best,
LittleBoat
Quote from: LittleBoat on June 05, 2018, 11:51:11 AM
And it's really hard to follow the rules of good self care: eat right, get enough sleep (are you kidding? That's all I do.), exercise, enjoy the sunshine...it's such a beautiful day. I feel unable to do these things, and it adds another layer of guilt for my Inner Critic.
This sounds very familiar too. In such phases I reduce things to the absolute minimum in self-care: get out of bed, take medicine, eat something, drink non-caffeine drinks like water or herb tea, brush hair or clean teeth or possibly both, get dressed, go outside or at least open the window. If I go back to bed and read and doze on these days, that's OK. Healing frm this BEast is exhausting and sometimes going back to bed and sleeping it off is the best I can do. :bighug: :bighug: