I've finally pieced together troubling memories by getting my mother to talk about the time when she was ill. She told me she had to hit me to make me cry so that I'd go to sleep.
I was two years old, she used to bash my head. I remember blood once.
I asked her about why she hit me and she said 'it seemed to work'
She used to hit me. I would cry then she cuddled me until, in her words, 'You went limp'.
I can't think of anything more likely to crush a mother-daughter bond than to be hit and then held until you give up struggling.
It might account for the strong feelings of emotional suffocation I've always felt around my mother.
Oh Jenny, i'm so sorry, that's terrible! Poor Little you. :'( :hug: :hug: :grouphug:
That would account for pretty strong feelings around your mother, not to mention cptsd.
The first time I've ever felt love and compassion for myself is now. I picture myself as a two year old and want to hold her and give her love.
I didn't have children but I want love love that little girl.
If you can imagine it, do so! I have Little Me who's a bit older maybe 3-4 yo in my arms rn. Little Jenny needed so much love and compassion, even my Little Me is nodding about that. She's even reaching her arms out as if to hug Little Jenny. So sending :hug: :bighug: to Little Jenny. If it's too much for her, too overwhelming, she can say 'no'. But know there is compassion from me.
Thank you!
Jenny,
I'm so sorry for what you went through. Your feelings are valid. I'm a mother of a 4 year old. I love him with all my heart. I would never treat him the way your mother treated you. If you can't picture yourself hugging 2 year old Jenny... maybe imagine someone else you trust holding little Jenny.
Best wishes sweetie
Deep Blue
Thank you,
Well, at least I know now!
I found a picture of me at two and I'm doing some art work based on it. The first thing I did was change her from black and white into a beautiful gentle pink!
Jx
Your art work sounds lovely and healing :)
Hi Jenny,
I can relate very much and am just showing you my love and support. Especially when you say:
QuoteI can't think of anything more likely to crush a mother-daughter bond than to be hit and then held until you give up struggling.
********** TRIGGER WARNING ***************
My mother also has post partum depression and used to hit me too. She said it was to "make me strong". and that because i'm an only child, i "must not be spoiled". she subjected me to physical and emotional abuse since birth. She never took care of me when i was a baby because she was scared of hurting me. ironic seeing as how she would hit me as a grew. I can recount these in detail but maybe not now because i don't want it to be too triggering.
*********** END OF TRIGGER WARNING **********
I use art to express myself in ways i can't verbally :) very therapeutic. I am sending you all my love, and Little Me stands with Little You in solidarity.
Happy to talk to you about this, i think we can find that we have a lot in common? ;)
Either way,
Sending you
All my love,
Roe