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Development of CPTSD in Childhood => Causes => General Discussion => Topic started by: Andyman73 on June 17, 2018, 10:05:31 PM

Title: Father's day related drive, in the media, to reduce dv at home.
Post by: Andyman73 on June 17, 2018, 10:05:31 PM
Mods, if this need moved, I'm okay with that. Not sure where this goes.

Over the past month I  been hereing on the radio, adds for this or that organization, pushing to get men to sign a pledge to end dv at home.  After hearing that for 20-30 times, it dawned on me....I didnt' hear one single add pushing women to pledge same, leading up to Mother's day. 

I wanted to go to their website and tell them off. But thinking of that triggered even went to website becasue I agree with that, we do need to end dv at home. But from both parents, not just dads only.

Also before Mother's day, my pastor made  a small reference to that men need to stop abusing women and children. Not people, once again, just only men.  Fully 1/3 of my abusers are female. And my 2 longest duration cycles of abuse... were females. The longest being 21 years, my future ex-wife. Then mom comes in at #2 with nearly 19 years. 

Not pointing fingers, just saying that males aren't the only ones. But society puts us in a bad light. ON tv, more often than not, we're portrayed as bumbling idiot helpless dads. Just becuase some of us are, isn't good enough. Regular everyman rarely seen or heard of, in the media. Even in real life...who's the one always getting blamed or treated like a suspicious character? Men.

Maybe I got it all wrong...I frequently do, becuause of my extensive trauma background.  I am often confused, or totally unaware of what's really going on.  I know I see things differently. So most often I stay to the edges of group discussions, or out of them all together.

Maybe should have just kept mouth shut about this. Sorry.  Mods can delete if this all wrong.
Title: Re: Father's day related drive, in the media, to reduce dv at home.
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 18, 2018, 02:17:31 AM
andy, i agree that if one gender is held responsible for dv, all genders should be.  i've heard there is a lot of dv in the lgbtq+ community as well, that is rarely spoken about or addressed.

women began speaking up about dv a long time ago, got shelters, etc. started.  unfortunately, women can't do the same for men.  they can support men, and i know there are support groups out there for abused men (by women), but men also have to speak up, such as you do here, in order to make this horror stop.

when so many people/women began speaking up about what's gone on behind closed doors in the land of the celebrities, naming all these men who had abused them, surprisingly enough at least one man (but i think it might have been 3) spoke out against mariah carey about their own experiences with her.  she was the only woman on the list.

it wouldn't surprise me at all if more women had abused men, women with power and fame, but it's not having a light shed on it.  there's a lot of shaming that has gone on towards men who have been abused by women (i learned a lot about this back when i was a phone counselor for battered women) that has kept their lips sealed.  the same with men being r*d by women and not being believed  that was possible.  thank heaven that belief is beginning to change.

the menendez brothers' trial brought out the sa of the elder brother by his mother.   i know this has been happening for ages.  it's horrible, especially because of all the shaming and disbelief.  i know it's real.  i also understand your reluctance to speak up about it.  do you know of any online support groups for battered men?  or sa by women toward men?  one of those may be helpful for you to not feel so alone with this.

it's a terrible burden you're carrying, andy.  it reminds me of white privilege, only in this case, in a grotesquely twisted sense, it's woman privilege.   we've finally been heard and believed, but it's taken a long time for that to happen.  i hope you eventually find other men for support and strength.   i believe men have to come together with this until their voices are heard and believed as well.   standing in solidarity with you, andy.  i know this is real and that you have suffered tremendously because of it.  my heart is with you.  love and hugs, sweetie.
Title: Re: Father's day related drive, in the media, to reduce dv at home.
Post by: Andyman73 on June 29, 2018, 01:52:50 AM
Yeah, you would think that. Was following the tweets,  relating to actor Terry Crews speaking at a Senate hearing about sa/r, today.  He bravely told about his experience with sa/r. This was all in support of a survivors of sa/r bill waiting to be voted on.

There was an incredible amount of hate and shaming among the male tweeters. I was totally shocked.  Rapper 50cent showed his true self, by mocking TC. Which will cost him a lot of fans.  Was quite triggered too. Couldn't help myself, though, I had to show my support for TC. Which means, I may have self-identified. Oh well, can't be proud of TC, while hiding in the shadows. I wasn't blatantly obvious, but one sharp eyed lady picked up on it. She was very sweet and kind to me.

Toxic masculinity, is what they call it, where other men victimize male survivors by calling them weak or gay, or soft and so on. So many of those toxic men were all about how they would have fought off the abuser, beat down and so on. Yet, they all were just perpetuating the cycle that plagues black men in general. The stereotype of them all being violent and angry. To harrass and mock a fellow man, who is showing support for a bill that would benefit ALL survivors, is quite callous and very short sighted.  See, Terry Crews is a rather large and muscular black man, aand his abuser/perpetrator was a much smaller, and older white male...who also happens to be in a position of power in Hollywood, and is also gay.  If Terry had lifted a finger against that man, the media would have vilified him, and made him the perpetrator, and the perp into the victim. Terry would have ended up in jail for defending himself, and the gay white man would have been glorified by the press. All of this happened in front of Terry's wife. She had spent years training Terry to respond gently and calmly, instead of anger. Terry said that himself.

That is exactly why most survivors, who don't tell, don't tell. Especially men. We are raised by society to be "manly" and telling goes against everythiing society expects of us. And if/when we do...we are then victimized and traumatized all over agiain by same society. 

Yes, the Melendez Brothers....just goes to show that abuse knows no boundaries, be it race, culture or financial status, or neighborhood.

The only support groups for men, that I've found or even heard of, caters to adult survivors of cpa/csa. I wouldn't be able to handle that, only focusing on my childhood, while ignoring so much of my life.  I know my parents church is forming a group for men, survivors of dv, but not adult sa.
And i do get the "white privelge" reference. I would aagree with you. So much stands in the way for men, generaly speaking, the belief that either men wanted, or it was consensual, be cuase men can't be r'd or sa.  I don't know how long it will be, before men come together as adult survivors of adult sa/r. Society doesn't believe we exist(just like Sasquatch!) so they don't really have to even acknowledge us. However, when notable men, like Terry Crews speak up and out, it does give me hope.  But, for those who come after me. I am too far away from believing it for myself. Maybe someday I can beleive for me tooo.

Thank you so much, San, for standing with me. I can't even begin to express how much that means to me. Nearly impossible to feel seen after being invisible for all my life. And I've recently had a terrible terrible thing happnen that has nearly shattered what's left of my broken heart. I'll share that in a later post, perhaps in it's own thread. Will be within the next few days. You won't be able to confuse it for anyhthing else. Making me get choket up thinking about it.

Lots of love and hugs for you too, my dear wonderful San.